#which is exactly what i need rn
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ok why did nobody tell me that some of ru’s xmas songs are actually legit bops?? im having so much just jamming in my living room rn lol
#it’s distracting me from the grief that’s threatening to completely overwhelm me#which is exactly what I need rn
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some happy twins (enjoy the fluff while it lasts)
#swtor#oc: rin#oc: leiko#my art#skullie's sketches#struggling with the worst art block rn#which is exactly what i needed this week#twi'lek#sith pureblood#star wars
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i think it should be possible to scream without making any noise or disturbing anyone or inviting any questions . just sometimes . as a treat .
#hhhhHHHGHGHHHHHH#jay screams into the void#(deeply personal rant incoming feel free to ignore)#a friend of mine has just been undiagnosed with bpd which . lovely for them but it sure as fuck invites a Lot of questions#suddenly a great deal of previous shitty behaviour that was excused on the basis of bpd has a lot more to answer for#(obligatory I Know BPD Isn't An Excuse To Treat People Like Shit . im aware . i have bpd myself and i have v high standards re my behaviour)#(however allowances were made bc they were unmedicated & out of therapy through no fault of their own)#(and our whole group has enough experience with untreated mental illness to understand that it can make u a bitch sometimes)#but yeah no there have been a LOT of instances of b&w thinking + manipulation + unfair judgement + high emotion + snap reactions#and every situation Could be explained by untreated bpd and the bad times have never been prolonged or often enough to outweigh the good#but Hoo Boy if that wasn't bpd then what the FUCK was it#like either the new psychiatrist is wrong (possible but i seem to be the only one questioning it) or they're just Like That#and again . not enough to outweigh their numerous positive and loveable traits#but the whole group has been destabilised on a number of occasions due to their actions during a bad spell#and i'm really not sure Any Other Explanation is enough to justify that#ah well . this seems like the kind of thing that will eventually come up during a sleepover heart to heart#but rn i'm stuck in a bubble of MAJOR rsd & brainfuck abt it . which is unfortunate bc now is exactly the time i Don't need brainfuck#anyways ✨ goodnight tumblrinas i am . kind of hoping nobody read this bc i fear i sound like a bitch#i am genuinely happy for their undiagnosis it seems to have put many things into perspective for them & theyre v happy about it#i'm just . uncomfy w some aspects of it that i have only been halfway brave enough to discuss with them personally#That's One To Bring Up With My Therapist In A Few Weeks#Bit Of A Shame I'm No Longer In Therapy And Now Have Only 2 Quarterly Reviews Left Before I'm Discharged From The Service
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hihi, sorry if youve gotten this question before, but would you mind sharing what kind of laptop you use to make your covers? trying to get synthv/vocaloid for my birthday but i wanna know which laptop is good for it
hihiii dw i haven’t gotten this ask before!! okay so i don’t know the specifics exactllly but it’s a HP laptop with a AMD Ryzen 5 7520U processor/graphics card? i think . it has like 8GB memory/ram and i wanna say 150GB something storage, if you want even more like SPECIFIC specifics when i open my laptop again tomroeow i can try investigate in my laptops settings LOL . just send another ask abt it and i’ll reply to it once i can get more info :3
my laptop runs it pretty well, sometimes it eats my cpu but yk . it also runs roblox which is awesome . so like . it’s pretty good! i think it was about £600 originally but i got it in september last year during a like.. student sale thing, so i got it for like £400, it works well tho for what it is!! i don’t know much abt laptops so i got a friend who studies computers to help me pick this one :3
#asks#it’s 2am for me rn so i’m sorry if this info isn’t exactly what you were looking for#i was in the same boat as u tho where i just needed a laptop only for synthv and if it ran anything else then that’s a + for me#the most important things to look out for is the cpu and graphics card#i thinj mine is integrated tho#so basically graphics card and cpu kinda like. share an area ig or smth idk#also i would ABSOLUTELY recommend gettin some sort of cooling pad for it#laptops are way too prone to overheating#i have a cooling pad for mine#i’ve been thru a few tho cuz . they love to break#but yeah synthv eats 80% of my cpu sometimes which is . great.#but only when i just open a file#it goes from 80 to 2% and i’m not even joking#i think it’s just a bug#annoying as hell tho#it seems to have stopped tho since the latest synthv ver#or well lessened#good luck tho dude laptop searching is NOT fun….
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guess whos not going in at all this week, actually
#MY MANAGER EMAILED LIKE 2 HOURS B4 I HAD TO GO IN#she finally changed my schedule (1 day) to the night shift today#(i emailed her to be safe just kinda casually reaffirming im going in at the new time & then asking if any other shifts wanted 2 be changed#bcs that sounds great to me whstever option she goes with#she ignored that question & i get a new email from her asking if i completed a training. lets called it DOC#basically a long time ago she said 'i will send you DOC instructions soon' .. a few days pass and i get three 50 paged packets#one is called NAVIGATING DOC#im like oh ok cool that must be the DOC training shes talking abt bcs the other 2 packets were abt various trainings#NAH BRUH. APPARENTLY THE DAY IM SUPPOSED TO GO IN. SHE MESSAGES ME SOME ENTIRELY ALIEN PROGRAM#and is like 'u completed this right? cus if u didnt u cant come in today.'#LIKE?? MAYBE I WOULDA IF U SENT THE SHIT#but it's also like. dam i shouldve emailed prompting her to send what she said she would n clarifying BUT FUCK#WHY DO I GOTTA?? IM NOT THE MANAGER#she literally told me the name of the program rn thru email so i type it in and see like four hour long modules to complete#mind u i aint never even been informed a WHISPER abt this new program. nothings even labeled DOC TRAINING#but my struggle is. was i notified this?? and i just didnt see??? was i supposed to clarify with her what the DOC training was exactly??#the only thing ive heard abt doc training b4 this is 'i need to send u DOC training soon' in EMAIL. so i expected an alert#abt THE DOC TRAINING... in an EMAIL notification. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS#idk man#i dont even care bro like im busy as hell & the work is just to build clinic hours so i dont care abt the money factor#it's just like. can we get this first day jitters thing over with already?? im so over this bro#yaddayadda i emailed her an apology n ill be on that ASAP shit. but i did let her know i am basically justnnow seeing this site#n if there was any email or notif that couldve/tried to inform me of its existence 2 pls let me know / figure out how to find it#so the issue doesnt occur again & i dont have to keep botherinher which im so srry of bcs med is stress n shes just trying to get by#but still bro im a lil miffed bcs she probably thinks im stupid now and now im wondering if i AM#bcs WDYM ONLINE MODULES. AINT NOBODY SAID SH IT EVEN ABT THE EXISTENCE OF THEM!!! i wouldve pressed harder 4 clarification#if i knew it was an ONLINE MODULE i had to look out for on some randomass site i didnt even know the name of until now#instead of the EMAIL UVE BEEN 'COMMUNICATING' WITH ME ON#ARREGHHHHHHHH IM NOT STUPID. I SWEAR IM NOT STUPID FUCCK MY BAKA LIFE
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NEW FIC GONNA START BEEPING AND THEN EXPLODE 🎉🎉🎉🎊🎊🎊💣💣💣
bestie not one but two >:)
just pray for me because both are in the worst stage which is the "90% done except for the connective tissue" stage. like what do you mean there need to be scene transitions. lame. have 20 loosely connected scenes instead.
#ive also written like 80% of them in the notes app on my phone which is just silly#like. the idea of writing 30k words essentially via text...... very funny to me#also i'm including a picture of the second fic because i need everyone to know exactly the kind of self indulgent trope fest i'm on rn#haha and what if they were soulmates (oh my god theyre soulmates)
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I'll be so doomed the day I ever get a girl f/o
#pan rambles#I say doomed in like. a positive way. In a “I'd get way too flustered” way#I haven't really talked about it here because I don't feel like I owe it to people to talk about my attraction and the complexities of it#But I'll talk about it a bit bc I just need to ramble#I'm 99% I'm Aro. At the very least some flavor of it. I don't care about finding a specific label- I've spent many years stressing about it#And I don't really feel like spending even more years stressing about it#Despite being aro- I like the idea of being in a romantic relationship one day#Even if I know it'll probably never happen#Not only am I perfectly content with my QPR rn but also because I don't think most people would be open to the idea of dating an Aro#Which hey! Is completely fair! I know the love I feel is different than what I think most people feel#Though I'd argue that even if it's not exactly the same type- It's still plenty strong.When I love my friends it's a strong feeling#I'd do anything for my friends and I love them so much that I'd literally do anything to see them happy! The love I feel for them is strong#But it's not. Romantic y'know? Augh I'm getting distracted!#Back to my initial point!!! I can't tell if I like girls or not!#I'm not exactly in a safe place irl to try to experiment with those feelings so I've been pushing it aside for so long!#But I think there's definitely a chance I like girls in the same Aro™ way that I like guys!#I'm not gonna try to find a label for it because I don't want to label it but yeah#There's definitely a few crushes and f/os that I've headcanoned as Transfem before#But I've never romantically f/od a girl#Afksnfksnfkskd Ok yeah that's enough of Panchi rambling for tonight!#I just needed to let that out!#Thank you to anyone who listened to my Rambling about Attraction and stuff-
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looking at the past few days like What the fuck was any of that. are we okaaaaay
#pk;m Tulip🌷#i haven't seen heart mind or soul all day ??????? which is FINE#they need a damn break#i wanna find a way to get em outta front soon budt gfjfdjsjdjfjfnx#it's just been me dark n wil today which. don't Tell Me .#but i dont think that's happening#and idk what the fuck is up with diamonds. i mean i know exactly what's up with diamonds#it don't like our um. Favourite Person™. and im usin that term loosely rn.#and that's fine. i agree with it on some shit in this regard too. but shit man if you could maybe not try to isolate us from everyone#that'd be just peachy#but i think it and spades r outta front now. idk .#im tired man.#the body's been napping on n off since 8#im still seething over shit i was ranting about from earlier today#like fuck.#im gonna go eat more pancakes i dont give a shit .
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while we’re in the spirit of celebrating basic autonomy over things like hair I know most of us are too young to have participated in anything at the time but as a society we really need to apologise to britney for a certain event circa 2007
#okay. so. gender standards are awful and hopefully they’re not what they were then but they do exist. and people are being chill rn#relatively. but please if a man had to remind fans that hair grows back??? then imagine if it were a cis gender conforming woman#I know there were other things going on at the time but none of the accusations against her were ever fair#people like a predictable; controllable image especially in feminine celebs and I want to say we do not. ever. have a right to that#which only ties further into our (my) discussion of gender and the whole babygirl concept and patriarchy and transphobia behind it#anyway I say it all the time but. never underestimate the power of existing unapologetically and challenging this entitlement#in any way. and the great thing is that it’s the same cause whether you’re halsey in 2017 or luke in 2024. yes it primarily a womens rights#issue but you don’t have to be a woman to contribute something meaningful. even a man can challenge the patriarchy (shock horror!)#anyway I’ve been thinking about what I have to say about recent events and this is it. the makeup and boy ep and now this he knows#exactly what he’s doing and I’m pretty damn proud#but we have to do our part and keep talking about how we need to be okay if a female singer did this. etc. which starts here I guess#luke hemmings#5 seconds of summer#5sos#britney spears#halsey
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Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that
#Giving time...#Still more time...#Wouldn't want to plague any previews#Maybe another filler. Just for some fun#Is this enough?#It certainly is now#Alright start:#I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight#'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state /#/of constant self-loathing#I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea#What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not /#/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed#I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore#I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done#I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though#I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I /#/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward#I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme#Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way#God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs#It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my /#/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days#Literally what am I doing this for#And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with /#/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life#Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me#Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus#I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore#It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until
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what is it with torchwood and "secret conspiracy to control the entire world blah blah anti semitism" plotlines .
#like if i had a nickel for every time#ari opinion hour#not bonff#like ????? stop that#i cant remember a time they did this in dr who at least that was this thinly veiled i mean i dont have a great memory but i think the#closest was the silence and even THEN that was like. Its fine. maybe not GREAT but doesnt really stand out.#whereas this is like. Damn. What is up rn#obv church on ruby road is easily more antisemitic bc its quite literally 'goblins stealing christian baby from a church in order to eat it#which is. Fucking Egregious.#but this is like. Why is it twice. we dont need two of them.#one of them you can MAYBE do and its like Okay they didnt think this sucks a lot but like . they moved away from it at least#TWICE is like DAMN THATS A PATTERN BUD.#BEGINS TO REALLY START SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT WHO EXACTLY IS MAKING THIS MEDIA
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well. (Bashes my head into the wall over and over again)
#vi rambling#pokemon#HISTORICALLY CATASTROPHIC VI MEDIA MOMENT .#well. from what i could pick up. superb fucking episode.#exactly the way i wanted it to go AND STILL SURPRISED ME and went beyond my expectations. THEYRE WRITING THEM BOTH SO WELL.#im so pleased. im so distraught. i cant believe this is happening. this is so good narrative wise but i also feel awful. incredible.#one of the best episodes of the entire fucking series to which we've had buildup since episode 1. im normal. <- deranged#i will say I'm a bit scared that because they did THAT to him. he'd kind of regress and regret helping like at all. but#i don't think that conversation in the end has been for nothing i know it has significance I KNOW. I BELIEVE IN HIM. (and the writers)#edit: i watched it subs and i have so many thoughts i posted and deleted my essay about it twice but i need you to know.#instead of brain there is pokemon horizons rn. and amethio specifically. episode that changed me in some way idk#its that serious.
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so glad that I finally picked up Cavern of Dreams it's so charming?? it's been sitting in my Steam Library for the perfect rainy day and that just happened to finally be today.
it feels like any nostalgic n64 game that brought me a lot of comfort growing up and the music is so peaceful
and the little guy you play as is adorable. the mechanics feel good, even as someone who isn't the best at platformers.
I'm only at the very beginning but it's so fun to speed around and figure out the puzzles.
#[static]#i needed a nice lowstakes game to mess around on#it feels like my childhood in the best way!! i want the music to just live freely in my brain ... so soothing#im only on the second level rn but it looks like it's only about a 5 or 6 hour game which is kind of exactly what i want rn
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I want to talk about some characters but idk what I want to talk about and idk who I want to talk about. I need to get their vibes down but the only way to do that is talking about them but idk what to talk about because idk the vibes yet!
#this is just a nonsense rant dmm#just on the struggle bus creatively rn#trying to figure out how to get my groove back#i need like a 'which oc does this' ask thing#but idk how to word exactly what i'm looking for lmao#STRUGGLE#nova rambles
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#heard they’re both pretty camp and fun#which is like#exactly what I need rn#thank you for voting ily
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oh yeah not sure where we're at w money btw. we might be able to get some of it back but we wont know anything concrete until friday
#the fey speaks#which is why i haven't been reblogging the d0n0 post#like. i got $115 total and we Do need to buy groceries before friday and also some of it has already been spent on gas for getting to work#so what i'm saying is the support i got so far has already be immensely helpful#i am just not sure how much more help i will need or by when. or anything. until friday.#and i'd hate to keep askin only to end up not needing it ig. that said if anyone still wants to send me a few bucks while understanding tha#i won't say no. there are many things i need money for in this world rn. like a new belt. been thinking abt a cane. but idk how much it#would help so i haven't been able to justify the cost to myself#but like. there's probably better things you could be doing with your money rn.#also its been really hard for me to get info bc no one (my parents. whose bank acct it was.) wants to fucking talk about it#like. i live here too idk i think i should be allowed to know like what days bills are due and exactly how much they cost!#bc originally i was told (by my mom) that Literally All of our bills were due this past monday. and we would have#no power water or gas. but we still do. somehow. so idfk#and she won't talk to me abt it if i ask she just Stops Responding or walks away#and if i try to ask dad he just responds “i don't know” or starts crying. or like self loathing spiral#so basically. even if we get 100% of the original money back#its ALSO possible we will have a shit tone of late fees and overdraft fees to pay. no clue : )
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