#whew. a long post

[the-agent-of-blight]

Aromanticism in Academic papers (day 1)

A few days ago, I posted wondering about aromanticism in academic research. Well after a search through google scholar and some institutional access (thank you wikipedia <2) I've found some papers. Since it's Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week this week, I'm gonna try posting about one paper I found each day this week.

So today's paper is The stability of singlehood: Limitations of the relationship status paradigm and a new theoretical framework for reimagining singlehood By Dr. Hannah Tessler (2022) [stable link]

To give a summary, this paper focuses on the idea that the general conceptualization of the term single is extremely limited within the standard definition of a person without a romantic partner. This assumes that a given person's relationship status is binary, that the individual is willing to be in a romantic partnership, that singlehood is a transitory state and not one that some people prefer to be in long term. Obviously, the implications of the term single does not accurately reflect the experiences of many people without romantic partners (like many aromantic people). The paper instead proposes a new framework for classifying singles on a graph of two axes, one for Openness to romance and one for desire for romance. This framework not only allows for the term single to encapsulate more than the normative assumption, but also shows how singlehood can be stable.

Tessler identifies seven populations of singles that subvert the standard assumption:

Singles that perfer singlehood

Aromantic and/or asexual singles

Heterosexual single women who elect to opt out of heteronormative relationships

MGTOWs and to an extent some incels

Singles committed to religion

People satisfied with single life but facing social pressure

and Single people after divorce/widowhood

The section on aromanticism itself is well written and accurate. It describes the state of many of us very well, while acknowledging that there are partnering aromantics out there. For future considerations, Tessler writes: "There is currently scant research on aromanticism, but more scholarship is necessary in order to better understand the intersections and boundaries between sex, romance, and relationships."

All in all, this paper is a wonderful insight that I hope future researchers in the area of romance take a look at and use ideas from. There's a lot of research out there on romance, but not as much on the lack of it. Tessler challenges the scientific community to help fill that gap.

[link to day 2]

[pleuro]

summer went away, still the yearning stays

[beneathsilverstars]

It's hard, taking care of a kid when you're still growing up yourself, but Pétronille does her best. She's not sure it's good enough, but what else can she do? A series of scenes following Pétronille and Bonnie, from the first time they ran away to the second.

Rating: Teen and Up Category: Gen Characters: Pétronille, Bonnie Tags: POV Second Person, Minor Original Character(s), Specifically various citizens of Bambouche, Child Neglect, Child Abuse, Bipolar Pétronille, Suicidal Thoughts, breaking the cycle, kitchen mishaps, Shoes both remembered and forgotten, Drowning imagery, Bonnie's protectee guilt, Bonnie's A+ spelling Words: 10,541

[coochie-sniffer3000]

big art dump because i haven’t been posting my art very much… tee hee hee (the pics miiiiight be outa order if you’re in mobile?? irdk we’ll see)

girlbound au thingalings (self explanatory):

oc crap 😈😈

and misc things 😇 (including aus and some ness smash alt redesigns)

[katkalis-the-horror-fanartist]

Whats the order of hierarchy in this au? Who's the most powerful to least powerful?

(also op that art where zoth and abducius are dancing together make me so insane/pos)

GLAD YOU LIKE THAT ONE. They have a few other things they do together too...But that's for other times 😅

These Tierlists should sum up the question. Defense Levels and Power Levels:

Then, under this cut, I'm putting the details as to why they're ordered like this! I'm also adding much needed details to be known about all these characters!

Hierarchy List (and facts)

Considering both Strength and Defense.

• Yan Luo Wang Diyu: Princess of Death. Astral Life Reaper. Brings Death. She holds complete power over her respective astral circle. All events that happen within are all orchestrated and catered by her.

• Drugia Fleuretty: Nightmare Designer. Humans have assumed that she designs clothes in the nightmare, but this is not the case. Drugia's talent is creating and designing eldritch monstrosities that reside in the Astral Circle. These creatures of fear and suffering, created by her hands (and sometimes Izanami's) send irreparable dread into many that witness them. Along with her dreadful ability, she too is rendered nearly immortal, with no known weakness. Some say that, with her knowledge and talent, she can someday destroy other Astral Circles nearby with an army of beasts from realms unknown.

• Quachil Uttaus: Misfortion Bringer. Astral Guardian. Due to their abilities, none can best them. Their misfortune is deadly, as it causes attacks to miss, injuries to become more fatal, and human organs to fail to function properly (sudden ailments such as heart attacks, strokes, etc.). Due to this, fortune absent for their opponents, Quachil's success rate for winning in a battle is set in stone as 100%. This power of Quachil's is also able to protect residents of their Astral Circle, bringing misfortune to anyone that attempts to harm any of them. As long as Quachil is aware of said confrontation. They often are, but rare cases can occur where they are fixated solely on one task.

• Chaugnar Faugn: Occultist. He controls cults circled around Yao Luo. He commands groups of her worshippers, which is already a high priviledge, yet alongside that, his defense and power are close to infinite. His weakness is undiscovered. It is said that only the Princess of Death herself can cease his life. Of course, she never will. So he reigns alongside her and is able to command her followers to defend her, himself, and her partner Orcus.

• Shub Niggurath: Famine Bringer. She is able to cause crops to be unable to grow and livestock to become malnourished and ill. Her famines can devastate entire continents of humans, and sometimes even other residents of the Astral Plane as a whole. In these cases, humans brought to the Astral Plane for soul and bodily consumption will also wither away as livestock would. Even beyond planet Earth, she is feared. Though it is believed she does have a weakness: To be decapitated by a golden axe blessed by either a god of war or a goddess of fertility and bounty. It is said however that, even if she is somehow slayed, remnants of her soul may last and continue to spawn random bouts of drought and famine.

• Zoth Ommog: Ritual Leader. Similar to the past Astral entities, Zoth is akin to a hellish god. The rituals he conducts provide many effects, defects, abilities, and assistance. Centuries ago, this sinful, lustful monstrosity was imprisoned by gods. However, Yao Luo successfully planned and initiated tactics to free him. He has since honored her and resided in her Astral Circle, providing her and her fellow residents much from his rituals. Considered the most vile entity amongst the Princess' domain, most fear him, aside from a select few admirers and slaves, whom of which Zoth marks with special sigils and engages in heretical acts with. It is said that he does have a weakness: being pierced in the heart with any golden object that has been blessed by a god of purity. This however may still prove impossible, as his heart rests within his throat, which is shielded by the very collar the gods had imprisoned him with. That, and runes he created beneath his flesh grant him many defenses.

• Teutates Taranis: Annihilator. Considered the most proficient and deadly combatant in the Princess' Astral Circle, it is said that Teutates can best any that cross his path. He, like a few other Astral Residents, has his own select group of humans and beasts that obey his commands. His subjects are marked with specific tattoos and all go through a blood pact with him. His skill in battle and talent for both swift kills and agonizing annihilations make him a formidable challenge in battle, even against other higher demonic entities. Some theorize that he has a weakness: stabbing out his eyes. Others, however, say that he is able to sense foes without sight and that this is no weakness of his. But recently, some have thought about another possible weakness of the annihilator: shooting him between the eyes with an arrow coated in a sedative. Something powerful enough to alter his brain function.

• Anazareth Anazarel: Curse Creator. After having practiced under the guidance of Yan Luo herself, Anazareth has mastered many terrible and effective curses fit for many situations. She also has a sigil bestowed upon her by Zoth in Yan Luo's will that not only increases the potency of her curses compared to others, but gave her the ability to effect even those that use magic to protect them from said curses. This sigil in turn granted her other moderate demonic powers and altered her appearance, giving her horns. She is in high enough authority to have her own followers like Zoth, Abducius, and Teutates. Her owned subjects have special tattoos on their collarbones, cheeks, or backs, and all have at least one horn as a result of them. Some say that cutting off her horns is her weakness. Other say that you must specifically burn the base of the horns after cutting them off, otherwise they may grow back. This proves difficult in idea, as she must be completely still for this to be done properly.

• Ishtar Ereskigal: Pestbringer. Similar to Shub in the aspect of affecting entire populations with food-stunting issues. Her pests range from cockroaches to rats to locusts and even mosquitos plagued with disease. Ticks, fleas, and bedbugs aren't even out of the equation. While she too can hinder farms, she can also infect households and wild environments. Her ability to devastate wildlife as well has granted her a vile, disgusting reputation. She may also use pests to assist in torture methods. It is said that her weakness is submerging her in holy water, which is already difficult to aquire in the Astral Circle. And even from Earth, it must be a decent amount.

• Abducius Morail: Mutilator. Though not as high up on the hierarchy ladder, the Mad Mutilator is heavily feared by many in the Princess' Astral Circle. His taste for agony and screams of pain lead him to be as torturous as Exael Lanithro with nearly as much battle prowess as Teutates Taranis. He takes intense euphoria and ecstasy in performing near-deadly operations and Frankenstein-esque crafts on living victims with no sedation. Even other higher-ups show slight repulsion towards him. He has some disfigured followers of his own, each one mutilated and/or branded in various ways. From skinned body parts to burned or exposed bones to body parts and organs of different animals. He has no specific weakness as he is closer to a human, but his own modifications to his body grand him decent defense, both physically and magically.

• Barbatos Barrabam: Human Hunter. Assigned an important job that benefits the Princess, Barbatos is well respected among his peers and superiors. He both speaks and acts straight to the point, always set on completing his goals with accuracy and no wasted time. Others may play with their prey, but Barbatos plays no games. They say he can see through walls. It is theorized that only being fully crushed beneath unbearable weight is enough to hault him and end his streak of humans hunted.

• Ah Puch Xilbalbá: Bone Breaker. Usually tortures mortals and disobedient slaves alongside Exael. He also often assists Abducius in breaking bones in victims in order to encourage their bones to heal improperly and become disfigured for Abducius' own enjoyment. In battle, every crunch of bones fuels him to become more violent, and once his opponent can no longer move, he may simply rip their bones out completely.

• Exael Lanithro: Torturer. Owning more twisted instruments and machines than any Astral Resident, Exael rarely runs out of torture methods for his unlucky victims. While some prefer to inflict harsh violence against their select subjects, Exael prefers more psychological and lengthy approaches, from water torture to slowly pumping victims with poison to using machines to stretch and rip victims apart. It is unknown if he takes satisfaction from his job though, as his expression rarely changes from his usual, somber look.

• Nyogtha Z'mog: Gravedigger. Though she is never often seen fighting, most if not all around her respect her. Sometimes, even humans captured and brought to the Astral Circle have minimum qualms with her. Harm against her, whether successfully applied or not, calls for instant torture. Though she has never truly proven herself in a fight, some say that she has swiftly ended the lives of those near-death with the shovel she often uses. She has also been seen using electricity to charge herself, leading to her never needing any rest, which even some superiors of hers indulge in. Her dedication to her job grant's her protection directly ordered by Yan Luo, and none dare to test to see if she is truly able to slaughter efficiently.

• Orcus Dis Pater: Skin Collector. Although nowhere near as high on the social ladder as Yan Luo, he is kept in close company to her. None have ever figured out why she keeps him so close. Orcus himself rarely speaks to others outside of the Princess' chambers, but when he does speak, those around him listen intently. Eagerly. It is said that skins he wears come from slain victims in the Astral Arena, and others have caught wind of Yan Luo working on a cloak for him. One made of 1000 skins.

• Lilith Lilitu Lilit: Witch. Brought into this Astral Circle by her best friend Anazareth. Though she has no specific assignments, she has never crossed nor annoyed the Princess, and therefore is allowed to spectate. However, recently in the past 100 years or so, she has taught herself more spells, and plans to ask for tutoring from Yan Luo, as Anazareth got.

• Izanami Yomi: Face Deformer. Her title may seem weak compared to others, but her worth comes from the fear she garners from those subjected to her ability. Her deformation powers can greatly affect the outcome of different gastly creations made by others. Whether it be carving faces for Drugia's monstrosities, sculpting faces of horror in Abducius' creations, or simply weakening an opponent by disfiguring their facial features, she has proven to not be as useless as her title makes her seem.

• Yog Sothoth: Vampire. Previously nameless before he was named by the Princess herself. He was accepted into her Astral Circle as long as he performed his designated job loyaly. His job requires him to tread between the boundaries of humans and the Astral Realm and use his looks and charisma to lure humans into being captured by his co-worker of sorts, Barbatos. It is well known that his looks are not completely of his own free will, but designed by Drugia and Anazareth as means of making him more appealing to humankind.

• Xezbet Xerbeth: Soul Eater. Xezbet shows little to no participation in Yan Luo's events. Little to nothing is known about his existence and why he has not been sent elsewhere. Some say it is because of his ability to unnerve mortals into submitting, while other say that he is only kept here to someday be harvested of all souls he has devoured.

• Dagda Crom Cruach: Soul Scarecrow. Little is known about Dagda as a whole. From his existence to his appearances in the Princess' domain. Like Xezbet, one can only hypothesize why this strange entity lurks about.

[the-nysh]

Oh Meryl.....:') This will be a longpost commentary on the events of Trimax vol5 & 6 primarily from her perspective, so let's get into it!

Alright, so remember the foreshadowing in Meryl's line about seeing Vash's 'entire enigmatic past' from Trimax vol3?!

Well in Trimax vol5 all that becomes true! When getting 'touched by an angel' directly connects her to Vash's memories through contact with his feathers, she gets a front row seat to personally SEE, feel, and experience ALL the worst pain and trauma Vash has endured over his functionally immortal lifetime of horrors!!! Bearing witness to just how heavy a burden of sorrow and torment he's suffered carried with him that she's always wondered about; now she knows the full context of everything.

From witnessing his lone struggles as a younger child first learning how to use a gun, grinding through all his bloody mistakes, losses, and failures, to the worst calamity that he, as a transformed nonhuman 'gun' himself, became capable of unleashing on the planet: the terrifying destruction of July itself.

As Vash regains his lost memories of July through a meltdown of grief, regrets and revelations of his own (how firing his power inadvertently killed everyone he knew and loved), all at once, his pain while reliving those horrors of the past resonates to become her pain. (Remember this for vol6!)

And just to grab a mic to reiterate, Meryl is only a normal human woman here, with no special powers or superhuman training to prepare her how to handle any of this! (This disaster exceeds her realm of expertise!) She’s also the only one who gets to see, understand, and resonate with the entirety of Vash’s pain and feelings on such a direct, private, and literally mind-melding intimate level of connection. (Linking the human with the inhuman/monstrous.) So of course she’s terrified! Being thrust into such an unprecedented dangerous situation, witnessing inescapable horrors beyond human comprehension, AND by getting a very real demonstration of Vash’s power (on the verge of exploding out of control) and his transformed inhumanity RIGHT UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL!  

So it’s truly a testament to her mental fortitude and resilience that she didn’t just break from the information overload or succumb to the level of despair and terror right there--no, she bravely keeps her wits about her, and despite everything she remains on Vash’s side, shooting first to defend him (aiming right for Legato using the gun she picked up from Zazie's corpse) as the one who breaks the multiple-way stalemate between all their enemies instead! GO MERYL!!!!

(It's why this moment's probably one of my top favorites in the whole manga!!! ;o;) Cause the entire time, even while under severe mental distress, crawling through the rubble with his powers and feathers surging everywhere, Vash had kept her safe and physically unharmed within his wings, and then her first action upon surfacing was to take charge to protect him in turn!! I love it; cause even during such a dire emergency and all the mental stress she's put under while in the heat of the moment, her faith and dedication (to fight without hesitation at his side) still aim true~

And even after Legato critically pushes the crisis from bad to worse, to the point Vash is provoked into almost firing his Angel Arm in feral-retaliation to stop him (holy foreshadowing of their future duel!) with Meryl literally stuck in the middle of all this chaos (while shocked, powerless, and terrified--bless her heart) as Vash struggles to regain control of himself...

(Note: even Wolfwood was blown back by the surging energy, but with Meryl literally RIGHT THERE under Vash, it's amazing she didn't get hit being that close to him.) ...she STILL doesn't run away from him once the dust settles, and is in fact the first one to approach him in concern to ask if he's ok after...

(So whew, a relieved round of applause for Meryl remaining strong in the active face of so much strife!!) The immediate aftermath of this whole experience gives her the tangible proof and perspective from Vash to understand and fear that Knives--as his twin in power but having the actual intent to destroy the world behind it, is fully capable of ending humanity's future.

Of course, the experience doesn't also leave her unscathed without any lasting mental scars to cope with...as Trimax vol6 so graciously shows us how things will always Get Worse before they can get better...

Where sure enough, she's already having difficultly sleeping with night terrors and loss of appetite--it's honestly no surprise the terrible experience has given her symptoms of ptsd she'd be made of something unbelievably superhuman if she weren't affected, and consulting with Wolfwood unfortunately doesn't offer her anything (helpful) she doesn't already know...(cause at this point, she's literally seen more of Vash, especially the amount suddenly exposed to all at once, than Wolfwood could possibly know how to advise her on. He's still struggling with plenty of his own fears vs loyalties towards Vash himself.)

Only that he stresses the importance she weighs her options now to make the decision to quit her job while she still can (a choice and the freedom to 'get out' that Wolfwood comparatively doesn't have under direct orders from Knives) to remove herself and Milly from getting further involved with Vash--specifically the life-threatening danger he poses as a living weapon (despite his best intentions and character as a person!) set to explode with the firepower to raze the world--if Meryl values her life.

But truly, how does Meryl feel about that? What does she value and care for more, that'd be most important to her--her life or her job? Is following Vash (surveilling him for 'risk management') more than just a job to her at this point? What about her feelings towards him as a person--the man she already knows, vs her need to reconcile with the truth (that he's not even human!) that she didn't know until just recently. Is the level of imminent danger and risk she's putting herself into, now that she fully understands how dire, truly worth it (for him) this time? And if she still truly cares for him, does it even matter what he is? Despite any pros or cons and conflicting feelings about it, which will ultimately remain the stronger reason compelling her choice to stay?

Whew! She has many things to evaluate and consider going forward, especially if she wants to continue at his side. (And as Wolfwood stresses, continuing puts Milly at risk too, so that's even more weight/responsibility to balance on Meryl's shoulders.) Including processing the very nature of her fears--to identify what it is that truly terrifies her (is it truly Vash or something else?) before she can hope to face or overcome them. Before this biggest hurdle tips the scales to debilitate her resolve or outright prevents her from continuing her job at all. For now, she thinks and relates back to the firepower she gained when she first fired a gun...

And ah, HERE IT IS, she recalls what's scared her the most from her own past memories: "I gained the power of death at my fingertips. It was terrifying." Cause the first time she ever shot a person and realized the weight of the power she holds, she hated it. Shocked, collapsed, paralyzed, coming undone in the streets, closing herself off from others, regretting her action terribly... It was all too much. (Sound...familiar to the guilt and regrets of someone else we know? Meryl's shooting style is also notably non-lethal...because she too doesn't like to kill! When her first time wielding 'death' with her Derringers upset her this badly that she needed to adjust to be able to continue her job that required arming herself with this type of power...)

So remember when she resonated with the pain of Vash's memories? Seeing when he first struggled learning how to use a gun too, and all the blood and loss that accompanied it? However...his experiences didn't just end there, with only his first time shooting a person.....cause the first time he shot his real power (without him knowing what would happen) he caused the destruction of an entire city, killing everyone he loved in it! He didn't just 'gain the power of death at his fingertips,' he literally BECAME it, armed with the power to end the world. Hating and regretting his action so terribly, the catastrophe traumatized him with amnesia and led to a full-blown meltdown in grief and despair once he finally remembered. With Meryl there, witnessing and feeling all of it along with him. (His pain became her pain; his trauma became hers...)

That the sheer magnitude of wielding that kind of terror, as an intrinsic, inseparable part of himself (unlike a handheld gun you can choose to put down; he can't), let alone carrying the fear of it going out of control again if he's not careful, is indescribable. And if Meryl can now understand the gravity of that in relation to her own gun experiences (when the memory of firing her Derringers was already enough crushing weight for her to fear) then as the peace-loving person she knows him to be, who's always tried his hardest not to kill anyone, the crushing multitudes she knows he must feel now upon recovering his memories filled with so much death unleashed by his own hands must be unbearable. Feeling precisely just how much MORE terrifying and overwhelming the burden must be for him. It makes her wonder HOW can he still even bring himself to pull the trigger?!

Just look at Meryl's collapsed posture, it's the same she felt in her own past experiences...only this time it's directed in relation towards him--almost expressed in his place for the crushing weight he must feel. She's outright screaming/crying/bawling for him in empathy for the pain he must feel every time he's forced to fight and shoot someone with so much baggage behind it. Oh Meryl....:') (This is probably the strongest we've seen her cry for him...and it certainly won't be the last she cries in concern to relieve the pain of his burden.)

And Meryl, watching him fight on regardless, becomes struck and speechless for another reason, as she realizes how much his incredible strength and fortitude allow him to push past his unbearable pain to continue his job: "I felt...his determination is even stronger than the regret he carries."

Which is true, for the same stronger feeling that compelled him to stop at nothing, despite being on the verge of total collapse bearing his regrets of July, when he grit and forced himself to continue on his mission to save her from the Dragon's Nest. :') This is how he does it; how he continues to fight for what's important. (And yes she was that important, as the thought of losing her like his loved ones at July, is what fueled his determination back then to keep going.)

However, the struggle is never easy, as Vash, for his own part, masked behind his new goggle-edged glasses and kind Rem-like smiles 'as usual,' has not been coping well behind closed doors at all. (That Meryl could even sense an air of unusually 'off' distant/detached/avoidant behavior from him that she asks Milly about it.) We see him immersing himself in thousands of rounds of (non-lethal) target practice til his hand bleeds, and when drilling that level of focus + exposure isn't enough to take the edge off, he visits a church during service to hear a sermon on forgiveness...only for him to deem it hopeless there's no possible release from his sins when he can't even forgive himself, and there's even evidence he'd been drinking in not-quite-so savory (healthy or responsible) ways--unsettling even Wolfwood that something's uncannily off with him. (All being different attempted coping methods to drown out and escape the pain of his past regrets, but even Vash knows it's impossible now to forget...)

So all it takes is one slip-up when he's depressed off his game for everything to tumble into a trainwreck... Where Meryl seeing him block a bullet with his powers (instead of his usual self-aware dodging?) triggers all that terror to come flooding back into a panic attack.

Where it's truly unfortunate (and oh it hurts...) as an accident, something involuntary--a messy, instinctual reaction completely beyond either of their control. Cause Meryl didn't anticipate her ptsd to manifest and incapacitate her like this! that a single flash of his feathers would remind her of Everything--of all the worst horrors those powers are capable of when unleashed, the weaponized death and terror it represents, and the very moment she felt and experienced all of it while trapped powerless and panicked to do anything... No no no, returning to that headspace is horrible; it's all still too fresh to relive and TOO MUCH trauma for a human like her to bear; she couldn't help coming undone in the streets in a far worse way than she's ever had before (and I don't blame her.)

And Vash didn't mean to publically out himself as a nonhuman 'monster' to everyone either, when tensions were already high following Knives' mass murders for them to link the same culpability towards him, while he's still struggling to get a handle on his newly awakened powers too--ohshit indeed when they suddenly manifest and the truth breaches containment freaking everybody out in a witch-hunting mob of scorn, fear, misunderstandings, and hatred. (Ouch...)

What's more, Vash probably didn't even know Meryl had seen his memories, or had been affected by his trauma to such an overwhelming degree--since the transfer happened more as an autonomous side effect of his powers activating rather than anything he purposely intended....(once again, unintended consequences beyond his control; he never meant to cause any of this harm!!) So from his perspective he probably doesn't fully understand how to interpret her distress (apart from the crowd's?!) or know what to do to help. Cause reactions from strangers are one thing to bear, but if he sees her reaction to him--and his nonhuman display, as anything like theirs...then it's so much worse cause it's Meryl, who's known and been with him since the beginning. She's someone important he cares for...and now she's hurt and visibly scared from yet again another mistake he can't undo. ohno ohno he knows he messed up...

(Plus poor Milly has no context to understand what's wrong, or why Meryl's so upset either, since she'd been knocked out during the later parts of the Dragon's Nest to know what happened. So now she's alarmed and concerned trying to process why everything's suddenly gone to shit, anchoring Meryl the best she can, while shaken by the pain and cruelty Vash endures in such a situation masked with a smile...)

Despite the stones thrown by the crowd (nooo~) Vash's first priority concern is to run straight over to check on Meryl...

*And here's where I scream bloody murder* Cause that single flinch--from reaching towards her with that arm too, probably hurts him more than any of those stones thrown at him in hatred and revulsion that he's a monster. Cause to him it probably reads as a perceived rejection from Meryl (noooo~), and the amount he's hurt from realizing he's the one who hurt her this way....ohhhhh his crushing guilt must be heart-shattering...;A;

But there's no time, as before Meryl's even ready to speak or clarify how she feels, the choice she previously had on whether she wants to leave or stay is taken from her as Vash is the one who's forced to leave her instead. :')) The only thing Vash can do is repeatedly apologize as he runs away he can't even say goodbye--Wolfwood has to say that for him...and admit to Wolfwood how much he 'really feels like crying.'

(And once again poor Milly, left with no other explanations, can only read how much his pained empty mask of a smile has broken...)

What sucks even more, is knowing how much Meryl had already empathized with his pain (she could already feel that strongly for him!) and being in no condition to explain herself or her fears to him, once her panic subsides, she's bound to feel that much more terrible with guilt from realizing how her reaction (especially her flinch) had unintentionally hurt and pushed him away....leading towards a bad result she simply couldn't help and had no power to change...what a disaster.

But is someone as usually brave and tenacious like Meryl going to let that be the end of it? Broken on a disastrous parting and painful misunderstanding (she never meant to 'reject' him!!!) she literally had no say over? What of her brand of determination--especially towards what she feels (and decides) is most important, becoming stronger than the pain and regrets she carries? (Just like Vash! Can she find it within her to continue, or start over, inspired just as he does?)

Her struggle now becomes finding that strength (even a driving belief) to tentatively (re)build that trust and acceptance between them towards recovery. To endure, fight, and conquer those horrors to bridge (reconnect) the gap between the human and monstrous that separates them. (Especially if she truly cares and wants to do it--for the sake of what Matters, for what'll make the effort Worth it.) It'll be huge and seemingly insurmountable for any other person bearing the same strife she carries, but you can do it Meryl, I believe in you~~

[stunie]

it’s soooo criminal that we are online friends bc i saw SO many of your faves at the mall today >:

[little-cereal-draws]

Some sad Ballister and money headcanons

pt 1? maybe?

Ballister has a very complicated relationship to money

Growing up poor, the threat of not having basic things like a home, food, or other necessities hung heavy over his head. He might not have understood the full scope of it, but he was a smart kid and understood enough to feel its affects

He didn't have nice toys, his clothes were full of holes, their meals were small. He knew other families had more, he would see them walking down the street, but knew that wasn't for him or his family

He wouldn't ask for ice cream in the summer, wouldn't complain when they ate the same stew for dinner every day for a week because that's all there was, never cried or whined the few times he asked for something and was told "no"

It bled into guilt. When his mom offered to cut his hair one summer when he was sweating up a storm, he said no. He didn't want to bother her; she already was so busy and stressed. She assured him that it would take five minutes and wouldn't cost anything but still he refused

Or one fall, he helped a neighbor fix his heater (he held the tools) and got paid $10. He was so excited; this was money all for himself! His first thought was to give it to his parents because he knew how much they needed it but this was his money. He bought himself a sandwich for $6. The rest of it he gave to his parents. They didn't want to take it from him but he insisted and eventually they gave in

That night, he cried. He wanted to help, he knew how much they needed the money and how hard his parents worked, and he had selfishly spent over half of it on a single meal. $10 would have been much more helpful than $4 but he just had to treat himself, didn't he? He knew those fancy, expensive foods weren't for him but he bought it anyway

It was around this time that he decided he wanted to be a knight. They were so brave and strong and helped so many more people than he could. And they probably got paid pretty well, their armor was always so shiny

So he would pick up any odd jobs people could give to a kid (walking someone's dog, watering their plants while they were away, sorting recycling from garbage, etc) while dreaming about being a knight. The jobs only paid somewhere between $5 - $10 but it wasn't about the money. He was a hero of the realm and they only needed the safety of their people to be satisfied

But he would go home and count every dollar before he went to bed

When the Queen offered to keep him at the Institute and train him to be a knight, neither him nor his family could believe what they were hearing. There was some back and forth about what this would mean but ultimately, they let him go. He would have food, shelter, stability and all the things they couldn't provide

Joining the Institute was very overwhelming for many reasons but Balister did have to say he did enjoy not worrying about money all the time. He never had to worry about if the lights would shut off or where his next meal would come from. He didn't have to budget his few dollars and didn't feel guilty for wanting things. The other kids had so much stuff, surely he could have some too

This... wasn't totally true. Even though his life was more stable now, he still didn't have the latest sneakers or stories about long vacations to country houses or anything else that these kids had. He tried to ignore it but it was a glaring middle finger to the face every time someone casually mentioned their new pet pony or other ridiculous bullshit

The first few years of his training were fine, they were all using fake swords with plastic armor on straw dummies. But as he reached his teen years and training got more serious, he realized he was going to be left behind again

The Institute and the Queen did provide some things for him but it turns out that most of those kids' families provided their knight equipment for them. Ballister's family would be expected to do the same and he knew there was no way that was going to happen. He had come here to make his dreams a reality but if he had to choose between his future or his family starving/being homeless because all their money went to his armor, he would go home in a heartbeat. It would kill him but, in his heart, he knew it's what he would do

So he went to class everyday with only a sword that wasn't his. Ambrosius gave him a sword when he first got to the Institute and saw he didn't have one. At the time he was thrilled but told him he couldn't accept it, Ambrosius needed it. The blond boy had simply shrugged and said "You can keep it, I have a whole bunch." He was ecstatic to finally get a real-life sword but now it was a reminder that these other kids could trade these thousand dollar weapons like baseball cards. The monetary value meant nothing to them

Despite having a sword already, he didn't have any armor and got his ass handed to him so many times. Turns out having protection against people thrusting blades at you was important. Todd and the other knights made of him mercilessly but he would just have to endure it because there was no way in hell he was going to tell his parents he needed equipment. He was going to have to deal with it himself

At first the Director wanted him to stop training until he was able to afford armor but he begged her to keep going. He got really good at blocking attacks, because if he didn't, he would get hurt, but he knew it wasn't enough

It was nearly impossible because training took all day and then left him dog-tired but he started picking up odd jobs on the weekends again. People paid much better in the wealthier neighborhoods and he could get quite a decent sum for cleaning someone's gutter or mowing their lawn. It was embarrassing that he had to do this while the other kids could relax but it was worth it to not be covered in bandages all the time

He had saved halfway to his goal when he got seriously hurt. Sparing gone wrong, he fell for a fake-out right move and got slashed across his left side. It was bleeding a lot and he was whisked away to the informatory. After he got stitched up, the Queen came to see him. He hadn't expected her but apparently the accident was big enough to reach her

She asked him how this happened and embarrassedly, he admitted he wasn't wearing armor during practice. She was shocked and asked "why in the world not???" After a moment debate, he admitted that he didn't have any. That opened the floodgates, and everything came pouring out. He was ashamed that he got hurt, he was embarrassed he didn't have armor, he was guilty that he didn't ask for help, he was stressed that his parents would help him at their own expense, he was tired from spending every second he wasn't in class working

The Queen comforted him, letting him cry on her shoulder and combing his hair. It only added to his shame, this was no way for anyone to be treating the QUEEN. He pulled away and then the unspeakable happened. She offered to buy him a suit of armor. He sputtered, trying to refuse it, or at least let him pay for the part he had money for but she refused to negotiate. It was unacceptable that one of her knight cadets was left without the basic equipment required to succeed, that the Director did nothing to fix the problem, and that the environment of the Institiute made Balister feel too ashamed to ask for help and got him seriously injured

She bought him his thick black armor and the first day he wore it to class, he couldn't stop grinning. He beat the shit out of everybody who dared spar with him

Time went on and Ballister's armor got chipped and dented but he never wanted to buy a new pair like all his classmates in their shiny chest plates. This armor was old but it was his, he was allowed to have this

[troishq]

RYAN GOSLING and RACHEL ADAMS in THE NOTEBOOK.

[ophernelia]

1-30 for lou and imogen

Well damn. Aight.

1. Where and how did they meet?

Summertime. Copperdale, NY. Right outside of Hattie's home. It's in the pilot episode of the series.

2. Was it love at first sight?

They were seven so... no lol.

3. If it was not love at first sight, how and when did they know it was love?

So, Lou knew before Imogen did. For him it was the summer they both turned 15. Imogen was upset because Krystle was making fun of her for not having her first kiss yet. Lou being Lou he offered to do it. Even though he had a girlfriend at the time. Kiss didn't mean anything to her, but it took Lou's head through a loop. He broke things of with the girl he was dating the next day. We got to see it click in Imogen's head. It was when she was talking to her mom before she hung out with Lou at the campsite. That was in episode 2 of the series.

4. What feature(s) do they find most attractive about their partner?

For Imogen, she'd say it's his eyes, lips, and hair. (Even though he cut it. She's upset about that.) He's also got really nice teeth, so seeing him smile is always a treat. Lou would say the same for Imogen, but he'd also include her legs, chest, and feet. I don't know. He gives me that vibe that feet would be his thing. Imogen's are nice. Tattooed, soft, and she always has a fresh pedicure.

5. What traits / personality aspects do they like most about their partner?

Imogen adores how sociable and chatty Lou is. He'd talk to a brick if it could talk back. She thinks his ability to speak to anyone makes him very brave. For Lou, he adores how sweet Imogen is but primarily towards him. It's a different sweetness and softness that she shows to other people. With him it's how lovingly she'll stare him or how sweet she'd talk to him. As if she had honey dripping from her lips. It's a side of herself that only he gets to see. He thinks it's the best side.

6. Do they have any habits their partner finds annoying?

Imogen is a bed snacker. She likes to crawl in bed with some chips or fresh veggies and just go to town. Lou hates it. He hates the crumbs, he hates the trash. He likes keeping the bed in pristine condition. There's only a few exceptions he'll make and none of them is food related. Lou doesn't stick to a side of the bed and it works Imogen's nerves. She likes to sleep on the right side of the bed. It's in the perfect position. It's close to Sozin's bed. It's close to thefan they have in the bedroom. Lou will fall asleep wherever. Right, left, middle- doesn't matter. He's huge and he takes up so much space. She hates it!

7. Is there anything about their partner they would like to change?

Lou thinks Imogen is the pinnacle of perfection, so he wouldn't change a thing. If you asked Imogen, she's refer to the last question lmao.

8. Where did they have their first date?

Their first real date was to the bronx zoo. It was a day trip. Lou planned the whole thing since Imogen couldn't decide where they should go. He didn't mind. He wanted to take her to see the giant anteaters because he knew she loved them. They hadn't been to the zoo together since they were kids. It was a nice date.

9. When and where did they have their first kiss?

I mentioned it earlier, but it was the summer they turned 15 in Hattie's garden. It was really brief. Just a peck. Nothing memorable for Imogen, but it had an impact on Lou.

10. How long have they been together?

At this current point in the series they've officially been together for about 2 years.

11. Will they stay together for a long time?

I'm sure it comes as a surprise to no one, but Lou and Imogen are end-game. They are my soulmate couple. There's not a lifetime they haven't been together.

12. Do they have many problems in the relationship or just a few? Or none?

They don't have problems often because they've gotten used to each other over the years. They usually squash them relatively quickly, but some times they'll have disagreements that span over a few days. Nothing too deep. It's usually just lighthearted problems.

13. Is there a big age difference between the partners, a small difference or are they the same age?

They're the same age. Imogen is older by two months.

14. Do other people approve or disapprove of the relationship?

They had a rough start, but people love them together now.

15. If someone disapproves of the relationship, who is it, and why do they disapprove?

The most interesting culprit is Dallas. Though she loves them together now, it took some getting used to. She loves Lou, but she felt like the two of them moved way too fast. From getting together, moving in together, getting engaged- it all happened in the span of a few months. They're both still very young and she just wanted them to save some stuff for the future.

16. Does the couple care if people disapprove of them being together?

Imogen adores her mom and wants her approval. As does Lou, but whether they got it or not they'd still be together.

17. Are they married?

Yes but they haven't had the ceremony just yet. Imogen is a Carranza now.

18. If they’re not married, do they want to be?

Lou nor Imogen every really thought marriage would be in the cards for them. Imogen had always been a little too strange to be liked openly, so she didn't think it was a possibility. Lou knew he'd want to get married one day after growing up seeing Dallas and Cale. After the events of the summer before the series began, he didn't think it'd be possible. Who'd wanna marry a monster? They were both painfully wrong.

19. Would they elope, have a small intimate wedding, big fancy wedding, or something else?

They're having a small wedding. Just a few friends and family members in Greece.

20. Where would they go on their honeymoon or dream vacation?

The two of them don't want to have a honeymoon. Travelling isn't much of a luxury for them, because of the amount of wealth Imogen's family has. If they want to go on a trip then all they have to do is make time for it.

21. Do they have any children? Do they want any?

Not yet. Imogen is fine with two. Lou wants a basketball team.

22. What is their favourite thing to do together?

Anything and everything as long as they're alone. They love their friends. A lot honestly, but nothing beats the two of them just hanging out around the house together uninterrupted. They love sitting down and getting into a good show together. Something scandalous and maybe a little trashy.

23. Where is their favourite place to go together?

It used to be the pier when they lived in Copperdale, but now it's a thrift store in their neighborhood. It's over near a pizza shop and ice cream parlor, so they make a whole event of it. They'll shop, grab a bite to eat, and then walk around the area.

24. Do they have a song?

I used to think it'd be Roslyn, but no they'd love "Beach Baby" by Bon Iver. It's one of the songs Lou would often ask Imogen to play on her guitar before they went to bed. It's their thing.

25. Do they have any pet names / nicknames for each other?

I don't think a day has gone by in recent years that Lou hasn't called Imogen "angel". Sometimes he may slip in a "baby" but it is almost always "angel". I haven't found anything that's stuck for Imogen. She's said "baba" or " lovebug" but nothing really works for her. I think it's because she just really loves his name. She likes saying it. I mean it's his, so how could she not?

26. Are they jealous?

YES. IMOGEN MORESO THAN LOU.

27. Is this a first relationship for either of them?

This is Imogen's first relationship. No one has ever liked her enough to ask until Lou. Lou has had plenty.

28. How do they show affection for each other?

They're very hands on with each other. Lots of hugs, lots of kisses. Imogen loves doing Lou's hair. Combing it, washing it, anything really. He enjoys a good scalp massage so he happily allows her to. Lou loves a good smooch. On the cheeks, on her forehead, on her lips- he's not at all particular.

29. How do they cheer their partner up when they’re sad?

Imogen can help Lou get out of a funk by going on a walk. He likes to walk and talk about what's bothering him. So, rain or shine, if Lou is feeling down then Imogen'll suggest a walk. Imogen likes a good cuddle. Especially in any position where Lou will lay on her chest and talk to her. He can usually get a giggle out of her just by rambling as he always does. She can't be upset for long after that.

30. Is either of the partners a ‘hopeless romantic’?  

Honestly.. netiher of them are. If something happened between the two of them it would completely shatter their perception of love. It's the only romantic love either of them have known.

[ai-the-broccoli]

lawlight, told through taylor swift songs: a non-exhaustive list

no really, why do so many taylor swift songs fit Death Note (and sometimes especially Light and lawlight) so perfectly?

many others have already made pretty good posts on this topic before, but the parallels are truly kinda crazy, so here's my take on it. the rankings within each tier are not super fixed or meaningful, like honestly everything within each tier is pretty much the same degree of fitting to me.

(yes, I double-checked basically her entire discography for this. no, I still don't think this is a fully comprehensive list.)

Tier S - every single line is a fit

1. my tears ricochet (<- category C: "I Knew You'd Miss Me Once The Thrill Expired")

post L's death lawlight, from L's perspective: the song. nearly every line fits what the hell man. one of my favourites here

-> Full Lyrics

2. hoax (<- category C: "I Knew You'd Miss Me Once The Thrill Expired")

@kiyomitakada pointed this out and... yeah, every single line does fit! it's very lawlight from Light's perspective.

-> Full Lyrics

Tier A - the whole song fits well

3. Blank Space (<- category A: "Let the Games Begin")

we probably all know this one lol. while the idea that it was actually written as inspired by DN is a myth, it very much does fit.

-> Full Lyrics

and GOD did the MV imagery not help. like, I mean...

the MV uses a colour scheme of red/blue/black/white/green-ish, I think, which doesn't NOT look like the first OP of Death Note anime to say the least.

apple imagery. yeah. the above is literally something Light does in said OP. both song videos have close-up shot of biting a very red apple.

the character Taylor Swift plays in this video (who is supposed to be a satirical caricature based on media perception of her as a crazy obsessive jealous 'serial dater' women iirc) is depicted doing a lot of voodoo to torture her lover.

in one scene she seems to be in a great and dramatic frenzy with mixed emotions (sadness, desperation, manic, anger, hate, etc.) over the boyfriend character's... unconscious body? I'm not super sure if it's supposed to be unconscious. but it's like this:

and then after a while of this, we see a shot of her sneakily winking at the camera. but anyway so yeah this entire part weirdly actually reminded me of L's death scene for some reason lol

at the end of the MV there's a short B-T-S trivia clip. there's a freaking black notebook there:

it's titled "My True Loves" and the content has nothing to do with lawlight, because it just contains pictures of her cats... is what I'd say, but actually, if you stretch it a bit, there's a comparison to be made about the fact that J-Drama Light Yagami's actor is a cat lover who actually has a cat named L

anyway this isn't exactly a T-pose but it's not too far from one either

I think I've made my point.

4. Getaway Car (<- category B: ''Now This is An Open/Shut Case")

this is very the end of the Yotsuba arc to me, specifically from while they are catching Higuchi to after they catch him and Light regains his memories. man...

-> Full Lyrics

Tier B - largely/mostly fitting

category A: "Let the Games Begin"

the mind games begin.

1. Ready For It

Knew he was a killer first time that I saw him Wondered how many girls he had loved and left haunted But if he's a ghost, then I can be a phantom Holdin' him for ransom, some Some boys are tryin' too hard, he don't try at all though Younger than my exes, but he act like such a man, so I see nothing better, I keep him forever Like a vendetta-ta

and

Knew I was a robber first time that he saw me Stealing hearts and running off and never sayin' sorry But if I'm a thief, then he can join the heist, and We'll move to an island, and And he can be my jailer, Burton to this Taylor Every love I've known in comparison is a failure I forget their names now, I'm so very tame now Never be the same now, now

+ the repetition of "Let the games begin". pretty self-explanatory

2. LWYMMD

I've got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!

...and more. also you know how she T-poses at the end of the bridge in the MV, as she stands over many many other past version of herself?

very lightcore pose. (and this isn't even to mention how she kicks off other, "weaker" versions of herself off the giant T in the same scene, which is... arguably also a symbolic parallel to when Light screams in the helicopter as he regains his memory, if you see it that way.)

3. cowboy like me

And the tennis court was covered up With some tent-like thing And you asked me to dance But I said, "Dancin' is a dangerous game."

Oh, I thought This is gonna be one of those things Now I know I'm never gonna love again

I've got some tricks up my sleeve Takes one to know one You're a cowboy like me

this one even has the freaking tennis mention of all things it could've included

4. Mastermind

So I told you none of it was accidental And the first night that you saw me, nothing was gonna stop me I laid the groundwork and then saw a wide smirk On your face, you knew the entire time You knew that I'm a mastermind And now you're mine Yeah, all you did was smile 'Cause I'm a mastermind

honestly though, this one is more like the perfect Kaguya-sama Love is War Kaguya/Miyuki song. every single line fits them perfectly. but since lawlight also do mind games and all, the song also can be seen through a lawlight lens, although I maintain that it is still the perfect kaguprez song instead of a fully lawlight one.

5. Suburban Legends

I had the fantasy that maybe our mismatched star signs Would surprise the whole school When I ended up back at our class reunion Walking in with you You'd be more than a chapter in my old diaries With the pages ripped out I am standing in a 1950s gymnasium And I can still see you now

I didn't come here to make friends We were born to be suburban legends When you hold me, it holds me together And you kiss me in a way that's gonna screw me up forever

I know that you still remember We were born to be national treasures When you told me we'd get back together And you kissed me in a way that's gonna screw me up forever

idk the vibes here kind of make me think of the entrance ceremony scene lol

category B: ''Now This is An Open/Shut Case"

the Kira investigation.

1. I Can See You

I can see you in your suit and your necktie Passed me a note saying, "Meet me tonight" Then we kissed and you know I won't ever tell, yeah And I could see you being my addiction You can see me as a secret mission Hide away and I will start behaving myself

the MV is important context here again, because actually, the official video for this love song depicts one person watching/"seeing" another person through - guess what - surveillance cameras. in reference to the title which is also a line repeated in the chorus. so that explains it I think. also it's implied to be about a workplace relationship

2. I Think He Knows

He got that boyish look that I like in a man I am an architect, I'm drawing up the plans It's like I'm 17, nobody understands No one understands

[...]

He got that boyish look that I like in a man I am an architect, I'm drawing up the plans He's so obsessed with me and, boy, I understand Boy, I understand

Light's pov. the title line "I think he knows" keeps getting repeated in the song which if you view it through a lawlight lens that might be about Kira lol

3. willow

Now this is an open/shut case I guess I should've known from the look on your face Every bait-and-switch was a work of art

The more that you say, the less I know Wherever you stray, I follow I'm begging for you to take my hand Wreck my plans, that's my man You know that my train could take you home Anywhere else is hollow I'm begging for you to take my hand Wreck my plans, that's my man

L pov-ish.

4. The Tortured Poets Department

You're in self-sabotage mode, throwing spikes down on the road But I've seen this episode and still loved the show Who else decodes you?

And who's gonna hold you like me? And who's gonna know you, if not me?

and also:

Everyone we know understands why it's meant to be 'Cause we're crazy So tell me Who else is gonna know me?

...as well as more lines in the song that expresses the same sentiments, like: Who's gonna hold you? Gonna know you? Gonna troll you?

in any case, "who else decodes you?" is definitely a lawlight thesis. imo. in fact I may have even actually started an essay on it in fic format with that thesis. or not? who knows! maybe one day you'll see...

anyway, this song is post-Yotsuba arc-ish to me, sort of.

category C: "I Knew You'd Miss Me Once The Thrill Expired"

L's death and Light's grieving, eventually.

5. Haunted

from Light's pov, especially in anime canon probably.

12. My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys

My boy only breaks his favorite toys, toys, oh I'm queen of sand castles he destroys, oh, oh 'Cause it fit too right Puzzle pieces in the dead of night I should've known it was a matter of time Oh, oh, my boy only breaks his favorite toys, oh, oh-oh-oh

[...]

My boy only breaks his favorite toys, toys, oh I'm queen of sand castles he destroys, oh, oh 'Cause I knew too much There was danger in the heat of my touch He saw forever so he smashed it up Oh, oh, my boy only breaks his favorite toys, oh, oh-oh-oh

which is quite fitting. moreover, there's this...

He was my best friend Down at the sandlot I felt more when we played pretend Than with all the Kens

...as well as the the original version below:

He was my best friend and that was the worst part I felt more then, in brief moments Than with all the Kens

L's pov. the "Kens" mention here is kinda like Light apparently having like 6 girlfriends in college and not caring about any of them despite being significantly bad at getting over L etc etc I think

8. Hits Different

I actually didn't think of this song in association with lawlight at all before I saw @selfdigestion bringing up the connection, and.... YEAH this is pretty lawlight-coded as well

I trace the evidence, make it make some sense Why the wound is still bleedin' You were the one that I loved Don't need another metaphor, it's simple enough A wrinkle in time like the crease by your eyes This is why they shouldn't kill off the main guy Dreams of your hair and your stare and sense of belief In the good in the world, you once believed in me And I felt you and I held you for a while Bet I could still melt your world Argumentative, antithetical dream girl

and also:

I used to switch out these Kens, I'd just ghost Rip the band-aid off and skip town like an asshole outlaw Freedom felt like summer then on the coast Now the sun burns my heart and the sand hurts my feelings

which is what the song is overall about. (there sure are a lot of Light pov songs in this category man)

and on the topic of "Kens", as it is with the previous time song, in Light's case it makes me again think of all his college girlfriends that he doesn't care about. I'm not going to comment too much on the gender-reverse implications this has for the narrator "I" in the song, but I would think that the original lyrics "bet I could still melt your world / argumentative, antithetical dream girl" with echoing repetitions on the phrase "dream girl" should've already done it for me. anyway. moving on.

10. Would've, Could've, Should've

If you never touched me I would've Gone along with the righteous If I never blushed then they could've Never whispered about this And if you never saved me from boredom I could've gone on as I was

[...]

God rest my soul I miss who I used to be The tomb won't close Stained glass windows in my mind I regret you all the time I can't let this go I fight with you in my sleep The wound won't close I keep on waiting for a sign I regret you all the time

I don't know how to explain this one, but it's... something. I think it only makes more sense as a lawlight song if you want to place emphasis on the age/maturity difference angle, although even without that it would still partly fit.

17. Guilty as Sin?

My boredom's bone-deep This cage was once just fine Am I allowed to cry?

I dream of cracking locks Throwing my life to the wolves or the ocean rocks Crashing into him tonight, he's a paradox I'm seeing visions, am I bad? Or mad? Or wise?

This, plus the fact that it uses similar imagery (dying in a hedge maze, crashing over graves, etc.) as Saltburn (2023), which... has that infamous grave scene that reminded every Death Note fan watching it of Light Yagami on L's grave.

13. cardigan

A friend to all is a friend to none Chase two girls, lose the one When you are young, they assume you know nothing

[...]

But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs The smell of smoke would hang around this long 'Cause I knew everything when I was young I knew I'd curse you for the longest time Chasing shadows in the grocery line I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired And you'd be standing in my front porch light And I knew you'd come back to me You'd come back to me And you'd come back to me And you'd come back

yet another post-L's death lawlight song, this time with L+Light switching povs. with the final line I think of the anime scene when Light sees a vision/ghost/whatever it is of L on the stairs:

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone's bed You put me on and said I was your favorite

Tier D - honourable mentions

The Prophecy

I got cursed like Eve got bitten Oh, was it punishment?

lightcoreTM

False God

self-explanatory title

You Are In Love

You kiss on sidewalks, you fight then you talk One night, he wakes, strange look on his face Pauses, then says, "You're my best friend" And you knew what it was, he is in love

Mr. Perfectly Fine

So dignified in your well-pressed suit So strategized, all the eyes on you Sashay away to your seat It's the best seat, in the best room Oh, he's so smug, Mr. "Always wins" So far above me in every sense So far above feeling anything

lightcore #2

You're Losing Me

doesn't fit that well lyric-wise, but it sure has got a heartbeat sound effect (sampled with her own I believe) in it referencing the stopping of a heart that sounds a lot like the one used to signal cardiac arrest in Death Note anime.

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

Were you sent by someone Who wanted me dead? Did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed? Were you writing a book? Were you a sleeper cell spy? In fifty years will all this be declassified? And you'll confess why you did it And I'll say, "Good riddance" 'Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden I would've died for your sins Instead I just died inside And you deserve prison, but you won't get time You'll slide into inboxes and slip through the bars You crashed my party and your rental car You said normal girls were "boring" But you were gone by the morning You kicked out the stage lights, but you're still performing And in plain sight you hid But you are what you did And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive The smallest man who ever lived

lightcore #3

Anti-Hero

I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror

lightcore #4

Clara Bow

"The crown is stained, but you're the real queen Flesh and blood amongst war machines You're the new God we're worshipping Promise to be dazzling"

there is a joke I can make here about how "dazzling" is "kira-kira" in Japanese

lightcore #5

(man that's a lot of lightcore songs)

Other songs

...that grieve the loss of a lover,

or mentions a lover being a friend/not a friend;

songs with ghost/death/grave/tomb/cemetery imagery,

songs where the self or the lover is compared to God or a god,

songs that mention a difference in age or has the lover looking down on the narrator's maturity (e.g. illicit affairs, All Too Well),

songs where love is characterized as a game of cat and mouse;

and so on.

taylor swift seems to write about those motifs a lot, so there really are a lot of other examples to pull.

and that concludes my list, I think. there may actually be even more comparisons if you look into her album liner notes and such, but this is what I've got for now

[martianbugsbunny]

Maybe Disney needs to try taking on a fairytale they haven't done yet. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy more original stories like Raya and the Last Dragon and Encanto that as far as I'm aware don't originate from any particular legend (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong tho). Those are fun. Exploring different magical concepts like dragons and the miracle is awesome.

But that being said, I think Disney needs to go back to its roots and do a fairytale. Something with a princess and a big bad that comes from an existing legend. That's (generally) where Disney excels. That's why people love Disney. Little Mermaid? Classic. Beauty and the Beast? Classic. Princess and the Frog? Classic. Cinderella? Classic. Snow White? Classic. Really, I just think Disney does what Disney does best when they're taking a story that already exists and turning it into a beautiful piece of animation with a gentle, kind soul at the center of it, maybe with a different little spin like setting the Frog Prince story in 1920s New Orleans or having Beauty's father be an inventor. Little touches like that to make the story uniquely Disney, but with a solid basis in a folk narrative that touches something deep and instinctual inside most people.

Give me a girl who's cursed. A girl who either falls prey to evil or makes a deal with it, and whose sweetheart fights for her like Aurora or who does the brave thing and sacrifices to fix it like Ariel.

Give me a girl who's trapped. A girl whose family keeps her down or who just hasn't found where she fits yet, who stays kind despite her troubles like Cinderella or who finds her own alternative way out like Belle.

Heck, even a weird-ass thing like Shakespeare But Lions would be welcome. That's such a Disney thing to do, taking a story like Hamlet and filling it with whimsy and giving it a happy ending. Plus, Simba is one of the strongest protagonists and learns one of the best lessons in all of Disney fight me.

(I'm not going to count Frozen in the folk story group because the departure from the original was so wild I don't think it deserves to count. I love Elsa with my entire soul but I would also die to see Disney do a proper version of the Snow Queen fairytale.)

Look, my point is that I'd like to see something that really makes Disney dig a little deeper and recapture the spark of its classics. Because as much as I enjoy stuff like Tangled and Frozen and Moana (I've watched all of them loads of times and I cry about them consistently) they don't come to mind as Disney classics for me. Maybe that's just me. Maybe it simply hasn't been enough time. Maybe it's the difference in the animation. Speaking of that, however, I would actually love to see a Disney movie done in a 2D style again; I don't think 3D has any inherent superiority and I'd love to see what Disney could do with a 2D movie now. And there are so many folk stories in the world, surely there must be one that Disney can bring to life the way it used to. They haven't retold every story that's been told already.

Am I being a little picky? Probably. But I'd love to see something that reminds me of the Disney classics where a gentle person with a courageous core has their life touched by magic, faces an obstacle, and has a happy ending. Something that's not a variation on "X needs to be saved" but a specific character longing for a specific thing and either doing what they think is necessary to get it (like Tiana and Ariel) or giving it up for the sake of someone else, but getting a happy ending nonetheless (like Belle and Simba). Also a clear-cut badguy who gets to be absolutely cunty and evil about it with no peculiar twist.

I'd like to see something Classic Disney again.

[serial-serializednovelreader]

Nova’s Notes - North and South Weekly - Wk 1

So, today was the first entry of North and South and because of the Droughtula, I’m glad to have a beast of an entry to analyze! Also, as a note, I’m probably not going to quote as much of this, since there is so much of it — I’ll just refer to the part I’m talking about. One more thing: this is my first time reading this book. Feel free to share your responses, but no spoilers please! (I know this is a 100+ year-old book though, so I’ll probably filter tags)

Reading the first long paragraph, we can already get a glimpse of Margaret and Edith’s dynamic. They’re cousins and raised together from childhood and Edith is called pretty by all — except Margaret. But now, Margaret is starting to see her better qualities, since Edith is about to leave her and get married and Margaret is going home to live with her father.

What does that tell me? They may not be on the best of terms (at least on Margaret’s side), but even so, Margaret can’t help but feel sad at the upcoming “loss” of her cousin. There’s more evidence to support this: in later paragraphs, she’s referred to as “spoiled” and weak-willed, though it’s unclear whether that’s Margaret’s opinion or Gaskell’s omniscient opinion (which I think is something to watch out for). Then again, she also refers to her as “dear” and observes that Edith would stay with her fiancé even if someone came along with more money and comfort (since she’s so spoiled). Needless to say, I think Margaret has some complicated feelings.

I believe Margaret sees her for what she is — as spoiled and a bit of a child (which we’ll get to later) — but she’s still her cousin and can only see her as more dear. I love that Gaskell writes about this feeling of idealizing a person more when you know they’re about to leave (moving, marriage, etc.) because, as someone’s who been through this, I can very much relate and I appreciate her writing about this. Even if you’re not on the best of terms, you find yourself missing their annoying mannerisms too (unless they’re like, super bad or something lol)!

Moving on, Margaret overhears her aunt — Mrs. Shaw — talking to her friends about Edith’s marriage and her own marriage. What’s interesting here is that her main concern was making sure a) Edith married someone within her age range (unlike her own marriage) and b) love is of the utmost importance. Obviously, this is something pretty common in today’s society — in fact, it’s encouraged — but I do wonder how this was taken when it was first published. Was the aunt seen as frivolous and privileged, or revolutionary and modern? I did some research and it turns out by the time this was published (1854), this was already a well-established belief. So I guess she was simply echoing what most of society was already thinking!

What does stand out to me is that the aunt does talk about the age difference in her own marriage being a “drawback”. I don’t think I need to discuss how our society views age-gap relationships today (let’s just say it’s a hot topic), but I do find it interesting how very relevant this conversation from Mrs. Shaw still resonates with me so many years later.

However, Gaskell doesn’t seem to hold Mrs. Shaw in the highest regard, either. She describes her as “considering herself a victim to an uncongenial marriage” and now that her husband is dead, tries to find something else to be anxious about. Furthermore, she only does things because someone else wants to (and complains about it) while “all the time she was in reality doing just what she liked”. While these aren’t the worst things ever, I wouldn’t call this a glowing character review either. I would almost compare this to Mr. Woodhouse from Jane Austen’s Emma, who bemoans every little illness and thing that befalls him when he is actually pretty healthy.

Not that she’s seen to be a horrible aunt or mother to Margaret or Edith — it’s pretty evident that she cares for both of them by the way she dotes on Edith and how she took Margaret in as a child (I’m not entirely sure why — I think it was to teach her how to be a lady?). I like that Gaskell is already showing a lot of different sides to these characters!

Margaret is asked to model Edith’s wedding shawls, since she is currently down for a nap. She goes up to the nursery and reflects on when she first came to this house as a child. She was considered a wild thing — playing in the forest and all that. On the first night there, her new nurse already seemed intimidating and the nursery itself more akin to a prison. Poor little Margaret began to cry, but the nurse demands her to stop so as to not “disturb Miss Edith”. Then, she was all the quieter when her father and aunt went to check on her later, since she felt bad for being upset. I can well imagine a child of nine fostering a bit of resentment for her cousin after an introduction like that — not a big one, because I don’t think she’s that kind of character, but just a little one. How would you feel if you were thrust into an unwelcoming environment and told your emotions were a problem? It’s not Edith’s fault, but it’s not Margaret’s either. The upside is their relationship remarkably improved after that and she can look upon the nursery with fondness.

Honestly it gives me the same vibes as Charlotte Brontë’s Villete, which was published almost around the same time (though the roles are reversed in this case). At the beginning of the book, the protagonist, Lucy Snowe, is visiting her godmother but they have a new visitor: Polly. Tensions clash when they both have to stay in the nursery and Lucy sees Polly as a spoiled brat, while Polly sees Lucy as unfeeling and unkind to her. Obviously, not the same situation, but I think it’s a little peek into what this kind of dynamic is like!

Moving on, Margaret models the wedding shawls and they actually seem to fit her better than Edith (she has the height for it). The key point here is that “no one thought about it” though: they don’t seem to notice or appreciate Margaret’s beauty. While Gaskell remarks that Edith is known for her prettiness, the same attention does not seem to be applied to Margaret. I wonder if this will be a running theme? What I do appreciate is that when Margaret looks at herself in the mirror, she smiles and poses — she seems to know her own beauty and be somewhat self-confident, even if others don’t tell her. Or at least, she’s having fun dressing up like a princess, which is super cute and I love that for her!!! Why shouldn’t she have fun with this?

Enter Henry Lennox, Edith’s fiancé’s brother — a mouthful. He, understandably, causes a stir amongst everyone and even Edith wakes up from her nap as if she feels the vibes that her future in-law has arrived (to paraphrase the author, lol). While they ask him questions, a very interesting line pops up about Edith’s soon-to-be sister-in-law that I wanted to share and had to do some research on to figure out the meaning of:

“[Edith] had a multitude of questions to ask about dear Janet, the future, unseen sister-in-law, for whom she professed so much affection, that if Margaret had not been very proud she might have almost felt jealous of the mushroom rival…”

After googling what a mushroom rival was (because, what????), the consensus I found was that it means “an unimportant rival”. It was also a way to jab at the “nouveau riche” who found themselves in upper-class circles, but came from lower-class origins. I think ultimately what Gaskell is saying here is that Margaret sees her cousin’s sister-in-law as someone that may try to “steal” her cousin’s affections, but in the end there’s not much to worry about, since Margaret has established affection with Edith (almost like people with generational wealth) and Janet doesn’t have much to compete with because she is too new to Edith’s acquaintance (thus making her like the nouveau riche). Just my interpretation, though, please feel free to sound off in the comments!

Henry goes to sit next to Margaret after Edith’s questioning and Margaret seems very happy to seem him. Not shy at all! Their conversation is interesting. First he starts off with (kind of) mocking her and the ladies “playing with shawls” and how it’s “very different” compared to his “real true law business”. So yeah, not winning any points with me right off the bat, but let’s see where it goes, I guess? I mean, it could be just a joke, right?

He comments on how he’s noticed her doing all the hard work for the wedding and how he hopes she gets a break from that soon. She tries to deflect and mention Edith as also working hard, but he sticks by his assertion that she has been the one doing all the planning work for his brother and Edith’s wedding, which she can’t really deny. Even if she has not done all the work (I imagine Mrs. Shaw has taken up some of the heavy-lifting), it seems that the emotional toil of all the planning is what has made an impact on Margaret.

She wonders if a wedding must always be this way and even suggests that she would like her wedding to be more calm without all of the extra fluff Edith’s has (a bit of a controversial topic in those days I think — in my research I found that Victorian marriages were modeled after Queen Victoria’s ceremony, which included many traditions we still see today). That leads to this passage:

“‘The idea of stately simplicity accords well with your character.’

Margaret did not quite like this speech; she winced away from it more, from remembering former occasions on which he had tried to lead her into a discussion (in which [Henry] took the complimentary part) about her own character and ways of going on. She cut the speech short…”

I find this interesting — that Henry being complimentary is inherently distasteful to her and she immediately turns him away from it. I’m not sure if it’s because a) his compliments suck (who calls someone’s character simplistic — I don’t think that’s the compliment you think it is buddy) b) that’s her future relative-in-law and she thinks it’s weird for him to compliment her or c) she’s just not good at taking compliments in general. I’m actually not sure which it is — I need to see more of her character — but I do know the conversation does not improve from here on out.

She makes a rebuttal to his compliment by saying she is only thinking of her home in Helstone and it’s not a character trait. He tries to get her to talk more about it, but she will not be drawn in. At least not completely. She converses, but also gets quickly annoyed with him. You kind of have to read along to get what I mean, but their conversation is like two steps forward and one back.

Finally, he says, “You are rather severe to-night, Margaret.” And she seems kind of surprised by this because she didn’t realize she was being “severe”: she genuinely could not describe her home as he wants her to. Her justification is basically you can only understand it if you’ve been there, which she did kind of say before this point.

Don’t get me wrong: I love a good banter session, but this one just feels different in a negative way. I also feel like this back-and-forth banter is a set-up. This is how Margaret interacts with the people around her now, because they don’t seem to quite understand her. They think she’s being “uncooperative” or difficult — I don’t think she is. Or perhaps she is, but it’s also Henry’s fault for not changing the subject when she made it clear that she didn’t want to talk about her home and couldn’t describe it!!! I believe her change of scene will help her find people who do get her and maybe she will have a similar form of banter, but this time it will be different and she will be understood. That’s just my speculation, though!

He continues to talk to her, but they hit a roadblock yet again because he asks her “what she does to occupy herself in the country” and when she doesn’t have a good answer, goes to the point of saying:

“I see, you won’t tell me anything. You will only tell me that you are not going to do this and that. Before the vacation ends, I think I shall pay you a call, and see what you really do employ yourself in.”

Idk if someone told me this, even jokingly, I would not like it. This would be my response:

Like why does he need to know her every move?!?!?! I just feel like he’s not asking the right questions and he definitely seems to be making light of her “quaint” living (which I think she’s playing into just so he’ll leave her be). The problem is, he’s just filling in the blanks for her by describing what she does in her current home and then asks “oh so what will you do at Helstone? Archery, parties? Oh, you’re too poor for that? I see you won’t tell me anything.” He sounds exhausting to talk to!!!! Just be a good listener!!!!! Maybe that’s just me and I’m reading too much into it though. I don’t know how much we’ll see of him since he probably won’t be living where Margaret is going, but I honestly hope it’s not much. Or maybe I do — I want to know why he is this way, I’m nosey. 😂😂😂😂

Honestly, it kind of feels like when a neurotypical person and neurodivergent person have a conversation and it just…doesn’t go that well because both people have a different way of communicating and its frustrating for both sides. I know I’m being hard on Henry and whether he deserves that or not is up for debate (I’ll wait for final judgement), but it could just be a case of that. I’m also not saying people of different neurotypes can’t have a satisfying conversation — they definitely can — but it takes understanding from both sides and I do feel like both sides here are not trying to understand the other’s perspective. Just like I could be misunderstanding this whole conversation, I really don’t know!

Also, I’m pretty sure Henry is romantically interested in Margaret, but I don’t know if she returns the feeling. While she was initially was happy to seem him, she seems more annoyed by his conversation than happy (never a good sign). If he is flirting, I think it needs some workshopping because…uh…that ain’t it, pal.

I also notice that when Henry takes his leave, he remarks that “besides, Aunt Shaw won’t like us to talk.” Ok…what does THAT mean???? That nugget of lore is fascinating, but hard to glean much from. Is it because their conversations are always like this and Mrs. Shaw is just tired of hearing the back-and-forth? *Or* is part of the reason they have back-and-forth like this BECAUSE of Mrs. Shaw? Hopefully I’ll find out!

Enter Edith’s fiancé and that’s when the real stir begins! Edith is so excited she runs out of the room just to walk in with him (we love a dramatic entrance lol). We get the chance to observe both brothers while they observe Edith and Margaret in turn. Compared to the captain (and the whole family) it seems that Henry is the “plain one”, but on the whole seems “intelligent” and “keen”. But his interest in watching both women seems to be “slightly sarcastic” — which, what does mean?????? Henry, you’re so confusing!!!!!

Edith decides to show off how good she is at being a soldier’s wife by doing everything herself! Can you guess how well that goes? Yeah, she immediately can’t carry the tea-kettle because it’s too heavy for her and it gets all over her dress. She shows this to her fiancé “like a hurt child” and her fiancé either hugs her or does a relatable “kiss it better” thing — lol (shoutout to a special user in the comments section for helping me figure out what “the remedy was the same in both cases” meant :D). The chapter mostly ends with discussing how they made the tea and then “all was bustle until the wedding was over.”

I think it’s interesting that we don’t get a clear picture of the aforementioned fiancé — now husband. The only thing I can really mention is that he’s obviously affectionate with Edith and seems to humor her childish moods.

As for Margaret, I avoided talking too much about her character, specifically because I think we get it through the way she interacts with others. This is already long so I’ll make a quick list of what I think we can glean from her character so far, in no particular order:

Reflective

Understanding — for the most part (not with Henry)

Playful (to herself)

Doesn’t like too much attention

Determined

Not afraid of conflict

Speaks her mind

Loves her home

Loves her family, but knows their faults

Values tranquility

Helpful

Observant

Self-confident

I think that’s it! I’m excited to read more and hope you enjoyed my ramblings :)

[hornetposting]

ok whoops i ended up being a bit busy so i wasn’t able to write this immediately!

we all know that the pale king wasn’t a good father to the vessels because, well. mass infanticide to the point of having an entire pit full of your dead children’s corpses isn’t really a sign of good parenting. but what was he like to hornet?

it’s honestly really hard to tell what their relationship would’ve been like just because there’s not a lot we encounter in game that reveals that. so! i’m gonna do a bit of theory crafting here so take what i say with a grain of salt. this is my personal interpretation of the text in game.

first, hornet never actually talks about the pale king. despite guarding the wyrm corpse, she never mentions anything about her relationship with him. contrasting to this, after breaking herrah’s seal hornet is there, mourning her mother. and while i would like to point out this isn’t exactly a fair comparison because the wyrm corpse isn’t actually the pale king’s dead body i just wanted to put this observation here.

in fact, the main reason why we know hornet is the pale king’s child is because of a line from the white lady

but again, it emphasizes more on her relationship with herrah than anything. (the other clue is hornet’s dialogue in regards to the hollow knight, in referring to them as “siblings”. and since we know herrah is her mother it would just be process of elimination as to who their shared parent is)

also small side note, it looks like hornet doesn’t have that great of a relationship with white lady, or at least not a deep one, if how she refers to her as just “the creature” is anything to go by.

it’s honestly odd how hornet never mentions herself why hallownest is so important to her. she’s the princess of it! she’s the king’s daughter! and she’s spent all this time protecting it, and yet we don’t actually know why she’s doing it. she could leave, nothing is stopping her. we know that the weavers left hallownest and that they still cared about hornet if the weaversong, a charm that was most likely meant for her, is anything to go by. there was nothing that could’ve stopped her from leaving with them. who cares about this rotting kingdom anyway? we know who did, the pale king

the entire reason why the vessels were made was because he desperately wanted to stop his kingdom from falling into ruin. and we know his plan failed. we know hornet is at least a little knowledgeable about the vessels, the seals, the infection. she knows the hollow knight is her sibling, that her father is not above such dire sacrifices. she was raised with a mindset of being indebted. she felt indebted to her mother for being born. could you imagine how indebted she felt to her father too?

knowing this, it’s no wonder why despite all this time, she’s still trying to keep together the pieces of a kingdom long lost to infection and ruin. she’s trying to keep her father’s legacy alive still. to the point where she’s willing to essentially stand by while her mother fades away, gone for good, just for a chance that the kingdom could still be saved.

and this is a bit petty but i think it’s a pretty asshole move to have your child protect your kingdom then just peace out to the dream realm leaving her to fend for herself :/

to summarize: hornet’s relationship with her mother is much more emphasized than the one with her father, despite his kingdom being the one she’s protecting. hornet was raised to basically idolize self-sacrifice, her sibling being the hollow knight, the pale king “sacrificing” his child to be a vessel, her mother sacrificing herself so hornet could be born. this makes for an unhealthy mindset that hornet carries to this day.

[hidey-writes]

six sentences sunday

The slack, peaceful expression of Zhao Yunlan asleep, his body curled toward the main room. That instinctive way he reached for Shen Wei, patting along his shoulder for his forearm, for his wrist. Even just earlier that night, sitting in companionable quiet on the couch, Zhao Yunlan’s hand tapping along the leather until it found Shen Wei’s ankle and settled there, skin against skin. As if Zhao Yunlan had gotten used to it too, touching. Their bodies as close as their lives were tangled now. Shen Wei would miss every piece of it.

haha. hurting my own feelings in the down draft of the answer fic! i was initially worried i wouldn't have enough thoughts about that gap between the knife scene and the next scene to write a whole fic about it, but it's starting to seem that the solution is simply: cramming in as much domestic weilan flashback as narratively possible :3

[lu-sn]

i know it's 300 years late to be making this post but man. i am still SO angry about mew

the setup was perfect!!! you have mew, this probably-aspec character who hits all of the checkboxes for prim-privileged-gay and seems fully unaware of that privilege, and you have boston, fully unashamed of his sex drive and his many sexcapades while still partially closeted, and they hate each other, okay. they constantly sling barbs at each other right from the beginning, and they're not friendly about it. mew thinks boston is an uncontrollable slut and boston thinks mew is a horrendously stuck-up prude and they're constantly judging each other. at the beginning of the show, they're two fundamentally incompatible people.

and then top comes along, and he's this character who's willing to put up a facade for mew -- willing to play the part of the sweet, unproblematic boyfriend -- but under the hood, he's a lot more like boston than anyone wants to admit. he's a piece of shit to everyone but mew, and he's slept around, and he openly likes sex. he wants it. he's struggling a little without it.

it's perfect because boston is a character that mew is fundamentally at odds with, and top is a character similar to boston that mew does not want to be at odds with. it sets up this huge clash of principles for mew, who is going to either have to learn to accept some of top's behavior and realize that boston might deserve that acceptance too, or he's going to be unable to accept some parts of top in a way that will hurt their relationship.

... or so you would think.

instead, mew gets to have his cake and eat it too: top cheats on him (and frankly, the circumstances of this cheating are suspect; top was basically manipulated into it), and instead of digging into why top did this, why top might feel compelled to secretly have sex with someone behind mew's back, mew lets top grovel at his feet for months, then takes him back while "forgiving but not forgetting". there's no attempt on mew's part to understand top or the cheating, only to corral top back into the persona that mew thought he was in the first place. and top lets it happen. by the end of the show, all traces of the "problematic" man he was in the beginning have been mysteriously wiped away. his cocaine problem is gone, his debilitating fear of fire is gone, and he is perfectly content in this relationship with mew where they have relatively little sex, even though mew is constantly making eyes at all of the new men who show up (cough cough boeing COUGH COUGH MIX) and even though this supposed straying on mew's end and the ensuing jealousy from top was a big factor in why top cheated in the first place.

and because mew didn't need to understand anything deeper about top, there's no way in hell he gains any sympathy for boston; he kicks boston to the curb and is obnoxiously righteous about it.

i've seen some comments that mew is not a hollow and unrealistic character for acting like this; there are many, many people out there who act just as selfishly as mew. i can't stand those people, and i can't stand mew, and in a sense that does make him a compelling character. so putting aside the fact that i would have much preferred to see him struggle with the crumbling of either his principles or his relationship... the arcs of the characters around him are definitely hollow and unrealistic, as a direct consequence of his position in the overall narrative.

let's look at boston for a second. mew, who you famously think is a stuck-up bitch, ends up catching the unwavering attention of top, who you want to get fucked by; you slowly manipulate top into cheating on mew with you, and you're gleeful about it. this is not a thing you'd do if you felt any sort of sympathy or friendship towards mew! you clearly disrespect the guy! you probably fucking hate him!

and then the guy you hate finds out what you did, and he threatens to out you and circulate revenge porn of you in retaliation, and he's the smuggest little shit about it while he promises to ruin your life and then ten seconds later flips masks and goes "but i wouldn't do it because i'm above that kind of behavior" -- and i would just like to poll all of you, and ask you: if a guy you disrespected so deeply came up to you and threatened to ruin your life while continuing to display all the traits you already hated him for, would you feel sad that he friendship-broke up with you and try to friendship-get him back? or would you, i don't know, hate him for all eternity?

once the cheating news breaks, the narrative tries to convince us, again and again, that boston feels bad and guilty about what he did to mew and that he doesn't hate mew and wants to be friends again. i'm sorry. i don't buy it. the boston we saw at the beginning of the show is not a guy who would grovel at mew's feet. so why does the narrative make him do it? why does the narrative kneecap his character like this?

it's for the same reason that all of top's problems disappear. it's because the narrative wants so badly to position mew as the good guy. mew did nothing wrong, they say, over and over again. look at how top and boston beg him for forgiveness. look at how terrible boston was for wronging mew but how right mew was for threatening boston back. look at how top erases all his own flaws just like mew said he could, and boston doesn't do the same, so top earns a spot in the friend group but boston loses his spot forever.

if the narrative had been brave enough to fracture mew's image a little, to acknowledge that he's a mean, messy hypocrite, i could have respected his place in the show as a whole. but they didn't. instead, they gave his character so much potential for growth and then squandered it all, and if that wasn't enough, they went ahead and neutered all of the characters around him, too.