#whether that be because of trauma from your childhood and being scared to hurt kids

[bouquetface]

Hi, I was reading what you were saying about having ruler of 5h in retrograde, and it leading to troubles with children. I have this placement. My 5h is Virgo and my mercury is Capricorn in 9th retrograde. I’m so terrified to have kids. I’m so afraid of someone hurting them. Or me hurting their feelings, not making them feeling supported enough, giving them emotional trauma. I don’t want my fears to make me a helicopter mom. But I also come from an emotional detached household. And I’m really uncomfortable with affection and physically getting comforted, because I didn’t grow up on affection , and I was very isolated and felt lonely. I’m scared that my childhood will make it hard for me to be everything they need. Do you think I shouldn’t have kids? I’m so scared of being a bad mom

Whether you have kids or not is up to you.

I definitely understand your anxieties. Having children is not something that should be taken lightly or considered easy. People who grow up in bad situations usually do share a lot of your fears.

It’s better to be a bit anxious than be someone who assumes they’ll be a great parent but then can’t deal with their child’s specific personalities & special needs. No one can predict who the child will be and what they will need. The worst thing a parent can do is expect the child to look a certain way and behave a certain way.

Having a kid is a process of constantly learning & changing to assure they are safe and happy. If you’re prepared to adapt to the child’s needs, support them financially & emotionally over anybody else, it’s a good indicator you’ll be fine.

There really is no such thing as the perfect parent. The child and you are human. You will have disagreements and you will experience being upset with one another. It’s really just life. The people with the most loving parents still have memories where the parent hurt their feeling and pissed them off. The most important thing is how you as the parent deal with these situations.

This was an interesting ask. I’m not sure of the answer you were expecting but I hope this helped in some way.

[cleromancy]

actually. still thinking about the stuff i mentioned in this post about like. people getting disproportionately mad at jason for mia compared to. like. any other supervillain that is *absolutely* also supposed to be somewhat sympathetic. like, thinking of two-face here in robin: year one (the dixon/beatty version).

because harveys role in the plot is adjacent to what Jason's is. he poses a clear danger to robin that makes the guardian/mentor reconsider the wisdom of having a kid sidekick at all. jason's actually there to make mia think about it, moreso than ollie, but their role as the antagonist of the story raises similar questions.

and i get that with comics in particular, your emotional reaction to what you read will always be influenced by what you see the fandom doing, and you do have... like im fairly sure the harv apologists are just like "i dont care who he hurt he looked good doing it" (and tbeyre so valid for that). and by comparison the jason legion, for we are many, are this whole scatterplot range of--some people only like him as a villain/think hes "unredeemable" (🙄), and some people want every bad thing hes ever done to be whooshed away by "pit madness" (🙄), and some people who. i have no ill will towards them but theyre fans of the new guy, the prime earth guy, and thats just a different character from my guy to the point that hes not even really relevant to ga 69-72 when we talk about it-- but nevertheless theyre in the same fandom, and the guy they like has the same name. so that can color peoples interpretations of whats on the page jf, for example, any of those factions really grates their cheese.

anyway. all that aside i do still feel like people get very angry at jason for being the antagonist--being a supervillain, even--maybe because he's so sympathetic by comparison in under the red hood/lost days (or i guess stuff the new guy's been in, if thats more your speed). like why did he terrorize mia! why did he scare her and beat her up!

and while i think the answer to that, from a character motivation perspective, is so obvious as to be. fucking asinine to need it spelled out-- the real answer is because as the storys antagonist he is there to challenge the protagonist. and in this case the challenge is not only the physical fight, its also a challenge to the question of whether or not plucky teen sidekicks should still exist in a post-death in the family dcu, where the baddies are badder and anyone can die.

r:yo was never asking that *specific* question, so lets just set it aside. thank you for your help harvey.

jason is a much easier target for reader anger than ollie because well. jason is absolutely doing something *wrong,* and he knows it, but he also has a fucking point, *and he knows it.*

ga01 was ABSOLUTELY engaging with and exploring aspects of the kid/teen sidekick trope that we know and love--mia kills a man on her test run, and the responsibility for mia being in a position where she felt like she had to do that, and the resulting trauma, is placed squarely and correctly on ollies shoulders. mias origin story meant she was never safe in her fucking life until she moved in with ollie, and now she finds out its left her with something permanent and life-changing--shes HIV+. what is safety? what is childhood? what does she want out of life, faced with her own mortality? she wants to help people. she wants to be a hero. and the way this unfolds, in the context of the dcu and how it works, you can see why ollie says yes this time. (and im so so glad he did.)

and jason shows up 20ish issues later when shes good and established to be like, "hi. you sure about that?"

and this is a chicken or the egg kind of situation where jason would not have done this to a civilian. shes a superhero. shes in uniform. there is an inherent danger to doing that and while you know that--both you the reader and you, speedy, green arrows junior partner and teen titan--nobody demonstrates it like jason "trolley problem" todd, both as the first notable dead sidekick and an incredibly dangerous, incredibly *terrifying* person. one who is *hell-bent* on *proving* it to you.

and when i say chicken and egg i mean while jason's responsible for his own actions, Ollie is explicitly responsible for mia's safety. imo blowing up the school wasn't to scare mia--it was to scare ollie. jason took the stakes of what it means to be speedy, or to *have* a speedy, and made them concrete. and that takes the concept of a plucky teen sidekick and makes it uncomfortable again because, god, she's just a kid. should she really be fucking doing this? (should her guardian really be *letting* her do this?)

(and people forget this, or purposely ignore it, but jason cant be more than 2 years older than her in this continuity, using tim as a benchmark. and i say this not because i want to emphasize that he would see mia as a peer rather than a child--though he would--or to imply he wasnt responsible for his actions--he was. i say this bc what was he doing in the supervillainy, he should have been at the club)

what i was getting at was i think rather than allowing the concept to exist in that gray area it is so much easier, so much more comfortable, to instead just be like. Well jason shouldn't have done that. he could have done it a different way. if he never put her in danger she wouldn't have been in that danger that night. and yknow all of those things are true but they don't negate the point he was making (and he was also doing more than that yk but this post is already Long lol), which was that that uniform puts a target on her chest. are you prepared for what that means?

and the difference between jason doing this, and Harvey, aside from the relative annoyingness of the people who want to condemn or exonerate them, is that. jason is not just a supervillain. he is a victim of *exactly* this thorny question. and he became a supervillain directly in response to this. you can not separate his actions here from the part where he knows what the fuck hes talking about, because it happened to him. and to make that less thorny, less uncomfortable, the focus turns away from the point he was making back to. Well he shouldn't have done it like he did it. while also ignoring that...... he did it like he did it because he knew how it felt, what it meant, to be a hero. if he didn't do it like he did it, would it have gotten through to them at all? would we still be talking about it like 20 years later?

anyway jason did such a good job posing uncomfortable questions in the narrative 🥰 im so proud of him for all his hard work!

[furiousgoldfish]

I don’t really know if my experience was abusive or not…. My home life was kinda all over the place growing up. My mum was initially a single mom but got married and had another child when I was 7. I sorta got pushed to the side at that point. My mum was busy with my younger sister and step-dad worked in camps for weeks on and weeks off, but even then I never really liked him that much. I learned how to get my own food, tuck myself into bed, entertain myself very quickly. I have a fear of showing pain or injury now because when I got hurt when I was younger I was often scolded and made to feel it was my fault. Got bit by the dog? Well what was I doing!? I shouldn’t have done that!! My little sister had an ear infection and was scolded (ie yelled at) because she didn’t say anything earlier and it was the weekend now and they can’t do anything about it (walk in clinics closed).

Growing up, my mother was always very strict about friends and play dates because they were apparently a lot of work. A friend would ask if I could come over after school and I would be so terrified to ask my mother I would near cry. I would ask and get scolded because “we don’t have time for that” or it’s “too last minute.” And I was always a very quiet child so I never pushed back, I just gave in and told her she was right.

When I expressed anxieties, or that I was really stressed and it was making me feel unwell, it was often ignored or flipped so that it was something I was doing wrong. And maybe they were right?

I would say I’m scared to do something or that something stresses me out and my step father would tell me to get over it because it’s life. When I had to change my diet for health reasons, he would say he checked packages that they were okay, but he didn’t and then I would feel unwell, and he wouldn’t believe me.

Basically, my parents were either not existing in my life, yelling at me for being hurt or being mad because something was going to cost money (and making me feel reallllyyyyy bad about it which has resulted in it being very hard for me to ask for things I needed), my parents also argue a lot, which always seriously stressed me out. Also a lot a lot a lot of shame about wasting from my step dad which has now led to me feeling sick to my stomach everytime something is slightly wasted, thrown out or not recycled.

But at the same time, as I got older I got Kinda closer to my mum?? But she was still very strict on friends and I knew that if I let her know most things that she would be mad, even though I was a textbook student. All this also paired with my grandmother’s constant dieting and telling me that I put on weight.., and patting my stomach. And then apologizing. And then when I try on clothes telling me I’m too too heavy… idk. I present a LOT of trauma symptoms, but I have lived a relatively blessed childhood.

Also probably important to note that I am suspected OCD or other anxiety disorder but undiagnosed.

Thank you for your blog and your time, both are incredibly helpful and I am very grateful.

That's really heartbreaking neglect, they couldn't even comfort you when you were in pain or injured, and you had to figure out everything yourself, like you had no parents at all. Yelling at children for being sick and injured is like kicking down someone who is asking you for help, it's despicable. I'm so sorry, that is absolutely abuse, and a serious case of neglect.

You were demanded to be a convenience and as little work as possible, to a great price for your childhood, you can't have a kid and then ask them to 'not be a lot of work' for you! It's not called work, it's raising your own kid! Besides, what kind of 'work' is a friend coming over, you have to say hi and maybe offer a snack? What kind of person considers that too much for their child's friendships?

Your parents are not right to blame and shame you for your anxiety and stress, they were supposed to help you feel better, comfort and reassure you, not make you feel worse and force you to doubt whether you're allowed to feel your feelings at all.

I'm so sorry for all they put you thru. It makes complete sense your stomach feels sick, that is so much violation and hate directed at you. You're more important than food. You're more important than your weight or whatever else they tried to make you feel horrible about. These people don't know you and have no right to comment on anything on you. They already hurt you enough.

I hope you get diagnosed and your struggles get a bit easier once you're sure of it and find more people you can relate to. Your childhood isn't blessed, it's already tainted with so much abuse, neglect, violation and hate, you have actual trauma symptoms. Trauma isn't a small issue that can be brushed aside. Your story is painful and it's not fair for you to have to live thru that.

And also, thank you for the kind words, I appreciate them.

[gaysimpsstuff]

Fatgum As a Dad

This was inspired by a conversation I had on a discord server, we all have daddy issues and want Fatgum to adopt us so here’s all the shit we collected.

There are some serious themes in here, mostly regarding the biological parents of the kid, but it’s vague as possible. If anyone wants me to add a trigger warning please let me know.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It all started when he was a kid, when he learned what an orphanage was. One of the kids in his class mentioned being from one, so when he got home he asked his parents about it. 

“Mom, what’s an orphanage?”

“Well, Taishiro, it’s where children that don’t have parents go. Then people can come and adopt the children. Why do you ask.”

“A kid at school said he’s from one, when d’you think he’s gonna get adopted?”

“He might, not all children get adopted. Some of them stay in the orphanage until they’re adults.”

“BUT THAT’S NOT FAIR!” he shouted. “EVERYONE DESERVES A HAPPY CHILDHOOD!”

“Well, honey, life’s not fair. And not everyone gets a happy life. It’s how most villains are made, actually. They were hurt more than everyone else and couldn’t handle it anymore. Not all villains are like that but many are. I think you should stay away from that kid, Taishiro. He might turn out a villain.”

But he didn’t stay away. And he made it his mission to become a pro hero so he could make a ton of money and help as many people as he could. He’d help even villains, keep them from doing something dangerous and inspire hope in them.

Then, he’d adopt any kid who needed a father. All the orphanages and foster programs would be empty. Homeless children off the street and in his house, being fed and clothed. He’d care for each and every one of them, not wanting a single person to feel like they didn’t belong. 

He finds most of his kids at pride parades. He walks around with a shirt that says ‘FREE DAD HUGS’ and a box full of candy. He remembered one of the kids walking up to him slowly.

“Um.. are you Fatgum?” 

“Yes I am!”

“Can I have a hug?”

“Yes you can, Kiddo!” he got down, and the kid put his arms on his stomach (Fatgum’s too big for anyone to fully hug, the dude’s taller than Allmight!) he wrapped his arms around the kid before he heard sniffles. He looked down and saw that the kid was crying.

“M-my parents never hug me like this!” they exclaimed. “They haven’t since I came out. They want to kick me out when I turn thirteen!” 

“Can I have their number? I’m going to... talk to them.”

He ended up taking the kid’s family to court, and since the parents were going to just kick the kid out anyways, they let Fatgum adopt them, but they kept nagging him about how he was ‘going to be raising a little demon.’

“Then call me Lucifer.” he spat right back. Now, that kid’s grown up, has pride flags all around their walls, and doesn’t ever doubt that they’re loved.

Fatgum probably bakes with his kids. Helping them up onto the counter to mix ingredients and play with the dough. If they mess something up or break a glass, it’s fine. He doesn’t yell at them or sigh and shake his head, he just kissed the kid on the forehead and helps them clean up the mess. 

The food always turns out amazing, and Fatgum always tells the kids that. All of his kids are now Gordon Ramsay level chefs and have probably met Gordon Ramsay. 

No matter what their body type is, Fatgum tells his kids their handsome/beautiful and are model worthy. If anyone comments of one of his kid’s body, whether it be negative or... ‘positive’ in a creepy way, you can expect that they’re getting slammed into the ground. No questions asked.

One of Fatgum’s kids is really good at make-up. Like, really good. So Fatgum did the only thing a rational father would do. 

Ask for a make-up job.

It didn’t end all that well...

“Hold still.. I gotta get the eyeliner on.”

“Gosh, Kiddo it’s making my eyes water.” 

“I know, just hold still... aaaand...... done! Now don’t touch it or it’ll smear!”

“Wow, that looks great! You’re really good at this!”

“Thanks, dad- you smeared it already didn’t you?”

“....Nope.”

Fatgum: I'm not gonna do it, it just seemed like a good option. 

Fatgum not even two seconds later after seeing a trans kid crying: now carrying said child on his shoulders while his spouse is chuckling in a corner after signing adoption papers I did it.

This man would get his kids almost anything they wanted. Especially kids with ADD/ADHD/Autism/Tourettes/Anxiety who need stim toys.

Kid: chewing on their nails.

Fatgum: here take this stim toy, and this one, you chew this one so that might help-

Kid ends up with more stim toys than they can count.

Fatgum: just doing his job 

The Daddy Issues Gang: Hi dad- oh shit wait- Hi- I- fuck- trauma ensues. crying

Fatgum: grabs the daddy issues gang we're going to the nearest courtroom say hello to your new father its me im the father ok lets go.

Kid: um, dad can I talk to you? 

 Fatgum, turning around quickly: yes? 

 Me: ‘he moved so quick, he's mad at me, I'm gonna get yelled at’ Sorry, sorry! 

Fatgum: uh, no. I'm getting you ice cream and a new stuffed animal no questions asked

He'd just know when something's wrong, and he’d be great at comforting.

His usual style of comfort is to let the kid sit on his stomach and tell him what’s wrong. His body is one giant pillow for his kids to lay on, he can fit at least eight of them if they cuddle in closely.

Once filmed a commercial dressed as the Cool-Aid man, and all of his kids were in the commercial.

Fatgum: Busts down wall  “OH YEAH!”

Director: “And CUT! Okay, try a little more aggressive-”

Fatgum, in tears: “I don’t wanna scare my kids.”

As stated before, if anyone makes his kids feel bad he’s punching them to the ground, but sometimes he’s not in a position where he can do that. Like if a Karen mom ever comes over.

"Linda stop bringing lemon squares if you're going to talk about my son that way because they're just as sour as your attitude."

Fatgum but he slaps the toxic members of your family and tells them to do better or he's taking you.

Then takes you anyway because you prefer him.

Fatgum with a sweater that says ‘mr dad guy on it’

Fatgum definitely watches ATLA, and quotes Uncle Iroh daily. When his kids are minding their own business they suddenly hear

“Leaves from the vine... falling so slow...” 

INAUDIBLE CHAOS AND PANIC

Fatgum agency cosplayed ATLA characters on Halloween.

Fatgum was Iroh.

Kirishima was Sokka.

Tamaki was either Momo or Appa.

Maybe get a couple others in on it too, Mirio could be Aang and if Kirishima convinces Todoroki to join for a while he’d totally be Zuko.

Fatgum lets his kids squish his face.

Fatgum used to work with a hero who was hard of hearing, so he learned sign language to help them, and he’s got the skill saved in case one of his kids might be deaf.

So one day, Kirishima invites Bakugou on patrol with him, and we all love that headcanon of Bakugou going deaf, so when he gets pissed at something, he starts insulting everyone around him in SL.

Fatgum notices and starts signing back to him.

YOU’RE ALL MOTHERFUCKERS AND I HATE YOU ALL!

Hey, now, let’s calm down and not call everyone motherfuckers.

FUCK YOU TOO

Bakugou...

Everyone thinks that they’re doing magic, because they’re making all these shapes with their hands and keep looking offended at each other.

Now, Fatgum tries his gosh darn hardest to keep up with the memes, so when his kids come home with good grades, he says “That’s so pog, Kiddo!”

All of his kids are embarrassed.

In the middle of a battle, he throws Kirishima at a villain and they both scream “YEET!” the villain afterwords forever lives in fear of the word ‘yeet’ because he thinks it’ll result in a human rock being thrown at his face.

Fatgum can’t text very well, because his fingers are just too damn big-

sonhsisntextsblooklikehthis'

Translation: so his texts look like this

you learn to understand his texts

Someone better get him a large tablet instead of a phone

If he gets married after he adopts the kids, there’s going to be a huge competition over who does the rings and who does the flowers etc.

If any of his kid’s ever bring home a romantic partner, you can bet your ass he’ll be all over them.

“What’s your average grade?”

“E-eighty percent sir!”

“And do you take sports?”

“No sir, I wish to be a biologist.”

“I see, I see...”

“DAD, YOU AREN”T INTERVIEWING MY PARTNER, ARE YOU? YOU SCARED OFF THE LAST THREE I DON’T WANNA DEAL WITH THAT AGAIN!”

“SORRY, KIDDO! I’LL LET THEM GO NOW! I’ve got my fucking eyes on you. Don’t screw this up.”

Hope y’all enjoy this, if y’all want I can write some headcanons for if Fatgum’s kid becomes a villain-

[aangs-surrounding-love]

My take on Aang’s trauma:

Alrighty everyone this is going to be a long one. I’ll do my best to only include the more important parts of Aang’s actions that I think reflect his trauma. Also, moments that I think reflect his trauma. Actually, I don’t really know if I can directly categorize this post but let’s just say this is very Aang-centric and somewhat of Aang-defense. Aang-protection? Feh-I’ll start.

In season 1 episode 1: The Boy In The Iceberg we see that Aang is briefly told that no one has seen an airbender in 100 years. We can see a tiny bit of shock but what happens next is that the topic is dissed and they move on. Aang doesn’t yet know what happened. But that small little face of shock and confusion always gets me.

Season 1 Episode 2: When Aang finds out he was stuck for 100 years, a war broke out, and his people were very likely killed, he looks on the bright side and looks to Katara saying, “I did get to meet you.”

When they find out he’s the avatar everyone is like, no wayyyy. He still offers himself up to protect the tribe.

Why didn’t he tell them? “Because I never wanted to be” is 100% a valid answer. He was scared. He thought that they’d push him away as his friends did at the temple. Or maybe send him away like the leaders wanted to do to him. (Although Sokka did banish Aang, it wasn’t because of his title and because he put the tribe at risk so it doesn’t exactly count)

Season 1 episode 3: The Southern Airtemple. “We’re home, buddy. We’re home.” Aang says to Appa. Something about this seems like a nostalgic moment. He left on bad terms and now he’s back seeing it 100 years later, hopeful.

He looks for all the old things that made him happy. Air ball, Gyatso’s statue, searching for people. (The little fruit pie flash-back)

He goes to the statue room and looks for answers. He meets Momo. However, when Aang and Sokka start chasing Momo I see Aang tearing up when he’s jumping down the cliffside. My take on this isn’t because he’s falling down at such a velocity that he starts crying, my take is that it’s because it’s his first chance to reveal that there’s hope that some of the Air Nation survived and that Aang isn’t alone.

Aang discovers Gyatso’s skeleton and goes into the Avatar State. His major hopes have been diminished.

He says to Momo, “You, me, and Appa, we’re that’s left of this place now. We have to stick together.” It’s so sad. They’re the only parts of the Air Nation that are alive. They don’t have anything left of the air nation and that’s why they need each other; they need to stay together.

At the closing of the episode, we see Aang and Momo flying away from the temple on Appa. Aang's face is so somber like he’s watching his happy memories diminish. Like the nostalgia being wiped away directly in front of him.

Season 1 Episode 5: The King of Omashu. This one is more of fine detail, but to me, it’s still very important and needs to be mentioned more. At the end of the episode, when Aang figures out it was Bumi, his old friend, you can see little tears welling in his eyelids. My understanding makes me think that Aang was tearing up because he sees someone who isn’t dead. The tears are of relief because to Aang, maybe not everyone is gone. His childhood isn’t over, Aang can still be a kid. Because the reason Gyatso was protecting Aang was that he wanted Aang to have a childhood. Although it was stripped away, this gave Aang another chance to have fun intentionally. Another sign that his childhood isn’t completely over.

Season 1 episodes 7-8: Winter Solstice Part 1: The Spirit World and Winter Solstice Part 2: Avatar Roku. In the first part, we meet a village. Aang tries to help them by saying, “I have to try” my legendary overthinking and analysis makes me believe that Aang truly wants to help these people already, but also that as the Avatar he wants to make up for the lost time he was stuck. He feels the burden he afflicted on the world.

His ability to relate to Hei Bai. Aang felt terrible about the woods and trees that were burnt down. It’s the empathy the made Hei Bai Aang’s friend. The compassion that Aang brings is truly amazing.

Part 2: Avatar Roku. Okay, so he wants to go alone because he doesn’t want Katara or Sokka to get hurt. My take on this is not only are they friends, but he also doesn’t want another one of his actions affecting the casualties of the war.

Season 1 Episode 12: The Storm. This episode is great. We get his backstory. We see why he ran away. We see what causes him to get stuck. And we get to see him upset. We see his guilt. “My people needed me, and I wasn’t there to help.” Followed by, “the WORLD needed me, and I wasn’t there to help.”

“How could they do that to me? They wanted to take away everything I knew and everyone I’ve ever loved!” This quote digs deep. Not only is Aang angry, but this takes a play on how he reacts to people and how he responds to people. He wanted to be a normal kid. (I’ll bring this back later)

Earlier in this episode, there’s this fisherman who was blaming him, so I’m in the cave Aang says, “the fisherman was right. I DID turn my back on the world.” He knows what he did was wrong and he saw the consequences. He ran away, and now that he faced the consequences, he actively wants to change and become better. He’s learning from his actions.

Season 1 episode 13: The Blue Spirt. Admiral Zhao says to Aang, “tell me, how does it feel to be the only airbender left? Do you miss your people?” Not only is this said in such a vile, evil way, we see Aang’s face which changes from being angry and upset with Adm. Zhao, we see that it changes to ashamed and guilt ridden. Actually, it kinda looks like Aang wanted to talk back to him, but he needed a moment. He needed that moment to take in what Zhao said.

Aang finds out that the Blue Spirit (the person wearing the mask) is Zuko. Aang was going to leave him there, to get caught by Admiral Zhao, but Aang instead takes him to safety. And may I mention that Aang made him a little leaf bed? Anyway, he stays with Zuko until he wakes up. Aang was talking about they could be friends and that one of his best friends was from the Fire Nation. I think not leaving Zuko behind shows both how Aang does his best to no longer leave people behind and to try to bring the best out of Zuko.

Season 1 episode 15: Bato of the Water Tribe. Aang takes the map to guide them to Hakoda for himself out of fear that Sokka and Katara would leave him. Though it was a bad decision, the thing is he didn’t think he could handle being alone. He was alone enough as it is. His people were gone and his friends (excluding Bumi) were gone or dead as well. So having to trek to the NWT alone would be a continuous reflection of his actions and would likely send him down on a more hateful path.

Season 1 Episode 16: The Deserter. Aang wants to learn the elements as fast as possible, even if it means doing it irregularly. He also is unsure whether he’ll ever get the chance to learn firebending again after he learns the other elements. So he starts to learn firebending from Jeong Jeong. He wants to make up for lost time which is another reason for this decision.

He hurts Katara and becomes afraid of handling fire and vows to be more careful with it in the future. (I will bring this up again later)

Season 1 Episode 17: The Northern Air temple. Aang sees that the northern Air temple became inhabited by people and they built pipes and other things that ruined the temple. They destroyed the temple and there wasn’t anything left that remained the same. When he saw the wrecking ball machine, he rightfully knocked it away for “destroying something sacred”. It was the last place that remained unaffected by modernization and industrialization then it was knocked over, right in front of him. So my take on this is a question within itself: if you loved something that was deeply close to you like a relic, something important, something that’s the only thing left of your family, got destroyed right in front of you, how would you feel? The answer would probably be pretty freaking upset.

Season 1 episode 19: The Siege of the North: part 1. Starting with part 1, the fire nation comes to the northern water tribe and the fight begins. Before the fight begins, Aang says, “I wasn’t there when the Fire Nation attacked my people. I’m going to make a difference this time.” He wants what’s best for the world, he’s going to stay. He isn’t going to run this time, he’s going to fight of the sake for the world, for the sake of the future. Still, the look on his face when he says that, it’s guilt plastered all over. The guilt is also shown with a determination to make his difference.

Aang flies out on Appa to try to prevent further damage by taking out a few ships. He returns around sunset, exhausted and somewhat defeated. He says, “I’m just one kid” then buries his face in between his legs. He’s right, he is one kid. The avatar, yes, a kid, yes. I have a feeling he’d be thinking about how massively overwhelmed his people were when the Fire Nation attacked. With the power of 500 suns, it would be disastrous. And with this, there are hundreds of ships in that fleet with hundreds more men, ready to fight.

Season 1 episode 20: The Siege of the North: Part 2. Aang returns to the spirit oasis and enters the avatar state saying, “No... It’s not over” he won’t give up on the tribe. He won’t let the Fire Nation win. Still, he isn’t running away, he chose to return to the Spirit Oasis to try to save the spirits.

Season 2 episode 1: The Avatar State. Aang’s told by General Fung that he could defeat the Fire Nation using the Avatar State. Gen. Fung manipulates Aang using Aang’s own guilt and faults to get him to try to train to turn the Avatar State on. Gen. Fung shows Aang the wounded to get him to join.

Initially, Aang doesn’t join. But he changes his mind upon further debate. During the training (well after a day of training) Katara and Aang have a long conversation about it. First, Katara tries to convince him to stop training to turn the Avatar State on but Aang refuses. Katara says, “I don’t understand.” Aang replied, “No, you don’t. Every day, more and more people die. I’m already 100 years late.” Aang’s own guilt is driving him to pursue helping everyone. Even though it wasn’t the right decision, he realizes that he needs to try everything he can to save the world.

Season 2 Episode 3: Return to Omashu. I already did my take away on Aang’s trauma for “The King of Omashu” but this will make my point stronger. Anyway, to the point. Aang goes to Bumi to learn earthbending. His old friend, the mad genius. When he arrives at Omashu, Katara, Sokka, and Aang see that Omashu was conquered by the Fire Nation. Despite Sokka trying to convince Aang to turn around, saying that there are other teachers, Aang shuts both of them down. He wants to rescue Bumi. Not only because he’s his best friend, but I think it’s the added reasons of impending guilt that he receives from leaving the Air Nation to fight on their own, and always wanting to protect his friends.

Season 2 episode 10: The Library. By goodness. Beginning of the episode. Aang is “making an orchestra”. My little headcanon is that all airbenders play an instrument and Aang chose the flute. Anyway, in this headcanon, the air nomads had a band that Aang loved to participate in. Just a little reminder he can’t be in a band surrounded by his people and wanted to make an orchestra on his own to feel happy like he would if he was around the Air Nomads.

Professor Zei calling Aang a relic. Just... terrible. That’s what he, his people, his culture surmounted to. Only a relic. An episode in time.

“We had no choice. Please. We’re desperate to protect the people we love.” This is what Aang says to Wan Shi Tong after the spirit’s anger about using the library to win a war. Aang is trying to protect the world and whoever he has left in the world. His people died. His friends before the war excluding Bumi are dead. Now all he has are his current friends, Appa, and Momo. That’s all he has left and he’s going to do anything to protect them.

Appa gets taken away. That’s it. They exit the sinking library. “Where’s Appa?” Aang asks Toph in confusion. As Toph shakes her head, humming, “mmm-mmm” Aang’s face looks so scared, so hurt. This is his best friend, his life partner to the death. His closest friend, even before the war. They have an inseparable bond and then Appa’s taken away from Aang. Aang doesn’t know if he’s alright, one of the three surviving members of the Air Nomads.

Season 2 Episode 11: The Desert. Aang is so hurt that he lashes out at Toph. His best friend and life partner were stripped from him. I could feel the pain and anger in his voice.

“I’m going to find Appa.” Aang flies away to search on his glider. Again, one of the last surviving members of the Air Nomads is gone. I will elaborate in others.

“APPA!” He calls out. He begins to tear up but sucks it down. “No... No!!!” He creates the gush of air at the ground, making the sand rise up. The complete anger is apparent.

“I’m sorry, OK? it’s a desert cloud. I did all I could.” Aang is left angry and lashes out at everyone. Aang blames Toph at first but it goes deeper than that. If Aang hadn’t gone inside, Appa could’ve been with him. Everyone could’ve gotten out of the desert.

Momo gets carried by a Buzzard-wasp. “I’m not losing anyone else out here.” If Momo was taken away that makes Aang the only one left. He’d be completely alone. And he would only have himself to blame. If he hadn’t run away... if he hadn’t gone inside the library... if he hadn’t chased and knocked the buzzard wasp down. But luckily, Aang gets Momo back.

Aang finds out that the sand benders he encountered were the ones who stole Appa. He acts appropriately and questions them. He wrecks a sand sailer. He wants his bison back. He needs Appa back.

“You muzzled Appa?!” He enters the avatar state in rage. Appa was much more than a pet. Appa is Aang’s best friend. His life partner. His link to his people. Hearing that Appa was treated like an uncontrollable, rabid animal isn’t alright with him. His people were already killed. So hearing that Appa could be in the same situation or worse hurts.

“I traded him with some merchants.” Trading him. Like property. Appa is living, breathing, he isn’t property. Then Appa was set to be sold. Sold.

Season 2, Episode 12: The Serpents Pass. Aang is trying to remain emotionless after Appa was taken away. He doesn’t want to grieve. He doesn’t want to feel. He wants the war to end and be done. He wants Appa back of course, but I think Aang feels that his emotions are going to prevent progress. So when Suki mentions how Appa wasn’t there, Aang was the first to look away. It hurts him immensely.

“Are you doing okay?” Suki asks Aang. At first, Aang looks to Suki and then to Katara, Sokka, and Toph. The view switches back to Aang where he says harshly, “I’m doing fine. Would everybody stop worrying about me?” Aang doesn’t want to be reminded further that -in his mind- that he failed.

“And now it’s like you don’t care about him at all,” Katara states. Katara continues about how worried she is for Aang and offers him a hug. He steadily rejects, “thanks for your concern, Katara.” He walks away. He is so hurt that he doesn’t want to feel. He doesn’t want to be human.

“But you’ve made me feel hopeful again.” It doesn’t mean he’ll stop himself from blaming himself, but it means Aang will return to being hopeful and optimistic.

Season 2 episode 13: The Drill. It’s towards the end where Aang gives the final blow, it’s not really about the moment but the music. Aang is determined to save the world. Even though he’s going through in an incredibly tough time, he’s not going to give up and he’s going to save Ba Sing Se. The music displays this perfectly also while the French Horns add Aang’s musical theme in the background.

Season two, episode 15. The tales of Ba Sing Se. Aang creates a Zoo after seeing all the caged up animals. I think that Aang did this because it reminded Aang what predicament Appa could be in. All chained up. Of course, above anything else, Aang goes to the Zoo in the first place to look for Appa. But I think Aang wanted to release the animals into a better space because Aang wanted to help them, knowing at least Appa would want a sense of freedom. Also because Aang could see that the animals were unhappy.

Season 2 episode 16: Appa’s Lost Days. Sorry but Aang sleeps with the bison whistle right next to him. Meaning, the first thing he wakes up to is the whistle. So right away, Aang is reminded that he needs to get Appa back no matter what.

Season 2 Episode 17: Lake Logoai. Weakly, Jet says, “I’m sorry, Aang.” Aang replies, “Don’t be.” Aang is already worried. But after it's inferred that Aang was going to die by Toph’s, “He’s lying,” is another reminder to Aang that having relations to other people puts them in danger. And that Aang might think that he is another cause for Jet’s death. It’s a big rolel, accounting for every death and injury at Aang’s stake.

Reuniting was Appa, finally. The tears, the relief. Appa will forever be his best friend. To death. A weight was definitely released from his chest.

Season 2 episode 18: The Earth King. Aang wants to tell the Earth King the truth. With Appa back, it’s hoped that things could turn out well for Aang. And a chance the war could end sooner. For the fatalities to stop.

Season 2 episode 19: The guru. “What do you blame yourself for?” Aang responds, “I ran away. I hurt all those people.” He holds himself accountable that he wasn’t there. That he was the cause of injury. Even though he forgave himself doesn’t mean he thinks about it. That’s the thing about guilt. It reoccurs no matter if you try to bury it. Or even forgive yourself, it still shows up.

“Lay all your grief out in front of you.” Aang pictures the whole Air Nation with Gyatso in the front. He’s trying to save the word to not leave their names, their culture in vain. He lost everyone.

Season 2 episode 20: the Crossroads of Destiny. He had to let her go. There were too many people against him. He had no other choice than to let go and enter the avatar state. He had to give up another part of himself to be what the world needed. He needed to save Katara, not letting any others fall to his fault.

Season 3 Episode 1: The Awakening. “Everyone thinks you’re dead. Isn’t that great?!” To Aang, it isn’t. In fact, that’s probably the worst thing Sokka could’ve said. To Aang, the world thinks he failed... again. At first, he vanished for 100 years, thought dead. Then he returned to become dead again. Now, the Fire Nation has practically won because he wasn’t able to keep Ba Sing Se afloat.

Aang wants to intervene even though he’s barely able to walk. He wants to handle it himself. He’s holding himself accountable. Maybe even thinking, it’s the least I can do if I’ve already failed to the world twice. He keeps trying to help, having Sokka hold him back.

“I don’t want you or anyone else risking your lives for my mistakes.” This means Aang really blames himself for everyone. Holding everything on his shoulders. Thinking, “it’s all my fault.”

Aang does the thing he knows how to, he flies away on his glider. Hurt and bombarded with a storm. When he’s found by his friends, he finds his glider which we knew was very important to him. Air Nomads weren’t very material, but to a person with a smidge of their culture left, it would’ve meant much more. So, seeing it in shambles and them actively choosing to burn it is heartbreaking.

Season 3 episode 2: The Headband. The fact that the children of the Fire Nation and everyone who was taught after the war started thought the Air Nomads had a military, forcing the Fire Nation to attack them. It’s screwy. It was wrong, but knowing that his culture was thought of as evil and bloodthirsty had to have been off-putting. I mean, the Air Nomads were pacifist!

Aang was stripped of his childhood, so going to a school gave him a new chance without the burden of being the avatar. For example, earlier I mentioned Aang was excluded from playing with the air-scooter, but in the Fire Nation school, Aang as Kuzon was invited to play Hide and Explode. A chance to have fun without his responsibility to defeat the Fire Lord. A chance to be a normal kid.

“You taught them to be free” Aang did his best to help the kids. It wasn’t defeating the Fire Lord but it gave them control. A mind. They were brainwashed by the school and their country! So achieving a sense of freedom by self expression is something more than I can display in words.

Season 3 Episode 9: Nightmares and Daydreams. Although it’s a fun episode, Aang is in his last moments to train before the invasion. He has to be ready. He’s afraid that he’ll let the world down a third time. So, he creates false scenarios and plays them out to prepare. In this process, he gets really sleep deprived because of his stress. He’s rightfully worried. The state of the world continues to burden him.

Season 3 episode 10: The Day Of Black Sun, Part 1: The Invasion. Aang comes to Sokka’s side when Sokka begins to worry about his moment of truth. Aang says, “I already failed to world once at Ba Sing Se. I won’t let myself fail again.” Again, it’s all up to him. He needs to save the world, he needs to redeem himself.

Season 3 episode 11: The Day Of Black Sun, Part 2: The Eclipse. Aang finds that it was all a trap. He failed again. On Appa as the youngest of the group loads on Appa, Aang is crying. He told himself that he wouldn’t fail. That he needed to win. He needed this victory to find out that his plan was ruined.

Season 3 Episode 12: The Western Air Temple. Aang accepts Zuko into the group. He does this not only because he needs a teacher but realizes that in his past attempt to learn Firebending, he hurt Katara. And that Jeong Jeong wasn’t the right master, but knowing that Zuko changed made Aang accept Zuko into the group and teach him.

Season 3 Episode 13: The Firebending Masters. Earlier, I mentioned that Aang vowed to be more careful with Fire after burning Katara. Showing why his flame was timid and weak. He was afraid for it to become out of control and hurt someone.

Season 3, episode 16: The Southern Raiders. “You’re feeling unbelievable pain and rage.” He’s empathizing with Katara. We can’t forget that Aang is a survivor of genocide. He’s been through so much and wants to help Katara make the right decision. Not making it for her, but guiding her through the decision that would make her satisfied with herself and Yon Rha’s outcome. One she could live with. He’s using his own experience to help her.

Season 3, Episode 18, Sozin’s Comet, Part 1: The Phoenix King. Aang wants to find an alternate solution rather than kill Firelord Ozai. He wants to stick to his principles. The ones that have been with him since forever. It’s not an easy decision. Maybe not only because of honoring the monks and their teaching but because the war had already created enough bloodshed.

Everyone is quick to assume Aang ran away. Although Aang is called to the Lion Turtles back. I think it was mostly unknowingly because he was like half asleep.

Season 3, Episode 19, Sozin’s Comet, Part 2: Old Masters. Aang looks to the past Avatars for their guidance. They’re the ones who might give him an alternate solution. In my opinion, they were all like, make whatever choice is right for you and the world. Don’t forget the world. Ultimately, to Aang, there were no other options, leaving him with the only option but to take Ozai’s life.

He meets the great look turtle. Aang respectfully asks him for an answer or an option. Once again, Aang was given the knowledge that he could take away whatever he received from the wisdom.

Season 3, Episode 20: Sozin’s Comet: Part 3: Into The Inferno. Ozai degrades Aang. Says, “you’re weak. Just like the rest of your people. They did not deserve to exist in this world, in my world! Prepare to join them.” So Aang has been told he’s weak and he is in no way weak. I will elaborate later.

Season 3, Episode 21: Sozin’s Comet, Part 4: Avatar Aang. Aang unblocks the avatar state and pins Ozai down. Just as Aang was going to kill him, he stops. He stops himself from going against his principles. Ozai continues to degrade him. “You are still weak.” Aang directs Ozai’s fire blast away using the Lion Turtle’s wisdom, Aang pins Ozai down and energy bends. With this, Aang discovers this non-fatal solution by giving Ozai justice and taking his bending away. Ozai can no longer intimidate and oppress anyone anymore.

“Please the real hero is the avatar.” That’s it. Aang is the hero. Of course, he had his friends to help him, but every single one of Aang’s mistakes and choices led to this. Led to the world being saved. So, for the first time in a while, Aang can come out of hiding, proud to be in this Air Nomad robes without concealing his identity.

I think I’m exaggerating about the tiniest details, but then again, I’m putting myself in Aang’s shoes, and that’s how I’d feel and how I interpret Aang’s actions/reactions. Also, I know I missed a few points, but I tried.

Big takeaways:

When Aang is told his people have been wiped out AND that he’s been gone for 100 years, for him, it has only been a few days for him. He left and a day later he wakes up and it’s been 100 years. That’s incredibly off-putting and scary. One day and his whole world shifted.

Aang was given very VERY little time to grieve as he had to save the world and learn the elements right away. When we do see it, his grief, he tries to let it all out at once rather than have it seep out little by little.

Aang is 12! He is a child and he saved the world. He has real emotions and was confused from time to time. He was a little immature at first but developed immensely.

Aang makes mistakes. But most importantly is that he learns from them and uses them to decide what's best for him and how to help others.

He looked for the light in dark situations.

Aang is the beacon of hope but even he was unhopeful and detached. He went to nightmares and back despite the worst.

Despite Ozai’s bashing and false claims, Aang is not weak and never has been. Aang went through the worst. He lost his family, his friends, and at one point, his best friend. He died. He was given an almost impossible task. Yet, he completed this task. He saved the world. Yes, he made mistakes but those mistakes shaped Aang into who he became. And how he was able to save the world. And Ozai was incredibly wrong. Aang defeated him and found his alternative. It wasn’t weak. It was strength. As Katara said in The Southern Raiders, “I don’t know if I was too weak to do it or if it’s because I’m strong enough not to.” In Aang’s case, he found his alternative that honored his teachings, his principles, his beliefs all while doing what was best for the world. That isn’t weak. It’s strong. Adding on, to come back from death isn’t weak. To return to action after running away isn’t weak. To face danger? To help others? To fight on the losing side for what is right? No, it’s not weak at all.

The music is fantastic and I think it reflects Aang amazingly. This doesn’t really fit into what I was talking about but the music fits the show.

Aang deserves so much love. I'll say it again, he's been through so much. Much more than what I could handle or almost anyone else. He is a traumatized child but even through the rough patches became an inspiration. To me, I think he’s sometimes overlooked and pushed aside so this is just some of my headcanons and takeaways.

Another thing, I’m not blaming Aang for anything. When I mention “it was his fault” I mean by he was blaming himself. The Air Nation’s genocide is not his fault. I mean that he blames himself for not helping or staying, for running away. 

Lastly, I don't own Avatar: The Last Airbender or any of their characters. They belong to their rightful creators and writers. Also, this is my analysis and a few of my takes on Aang’s trauma. I'm not trying to project my feelings on anyone. I'm just saying what I think.

If you made it this far thanks for reading my post!

[imagine-your-love-story]

Thank you for encouraging a safe space on Tumblr. It might seem like basic courtesy to leave people be, leave them their comfort and creative freedom, but apparently it's not. As someone who has very questionable self ship poly dynamics, it's.. nice not being scared of seeing "Don't interact if this- dont interact if that" and then in danger of harrassment.

Please keep spreading these vibes of comfort and love - you're a great person whom we need a lot more of in the world wide web

You're very welcome, lovely! :) :) :)

Hoo boy. I have...soooo many thoughts on like....ALL of this. And this post is gonna get LONG because I've opened the can of worms and I'm lettin' it all out :P

The amount of bullying and negativity I've seen in the selfshipping community lately is very painful and disappointing to watch. Tumblr and fandom has always been somewhat of a cesspool but I had hoped that selfshipping was a little better.

I'm not seeing a positive community on a large scale right now.

There are some people who are shining little stars out there of course! But there's more hate being spread around than I can stomach.

I've spent Y E A R S researching and unlearning and pushing back against the psychological and emotional effects of manipulative behaviors like: blame, guilt, shame, and harassment.

I absolutely 100000% believe you can speak to people civilly and state your reasons why you think their behavior is damaging. Without telling them, "You are wrong. You are a bad person." Or otherwise making them feel shitty about themselves.

And I also believe that you CAN allow that person to say, "I don't agree with what you're saying" and you can still have normal interactions with that person without immediately shunning them and labeling them as a terrible person.

People BLOSSOM when they are showered in love, acceptance, and understanding. People are MUCH more willing to listen and heed what you have to say when you give them SPACE to see your point of view (or disagree with you and still accept them).

This culture on social media where people jump STRAIGHT to, "You're a HORRIBLE person because you do something I disagree with!" is, frankly, horrifying and a little disgusting.

Does this mean I condone negative and damaging behaviors?

No. Absolutely not.

But there seems to be this loss of perspective on what is considered "negative and damaging behaviors".

1. It's fiction. Fiction has NEVER been "clean". It's a place of freedom to discuss EVERYTHING.

2. You don't have to feel comfortable with everything being discussed in fiction. I'm not. If I don't like a self-shipper's content because it hits some trigger buttons for me...I don't follow their blog. Because that's my boundary and I have every right to it.

Do I send them messages saying, "You're a toxic person!"

Nope.

Do I comment on their ship that they love and say, "This makes me uncomfortable!"

Nope.

It's not my business.

Also: it’s fiction and there are MUCH bigger problems that require my energy than whether or not I should correct someone’s fictional ship.

Go save the ocean.

Go save the rainforest.

Go save the planet you live and breath on.

Fiction should not be making you angry enough to send hate mail to someone else. Full stop. That should never ever be a priority.

3. Some people engage in selfshipping "negative behaviors" as a way to cope with their trauma. We have no idea what a person has been through and we have no right to tell them that they should stop what they're doing when we do not know where they are on their journey of healing.

It hurts my heart so, so much when I receive messages from selfshippers like you, dear anon, who are TERRIFIED to share their love stories with their characters because they're afraid of being labeled/attacked/harassed by the community.

That's the community letting you down. That should NOT be happening and I'm so sorry you're feeling that way, lovely.

The ENTIRE point of selfshipping was to ESCAPE the people who criticized for shipping yourself with a character that you love. The foundation of selfshipping is that ANYTHING is possible!!! You are limitless!!!

And now people are policing what you can do??? That's...that completely obliterates the point of selfshipping. That's WHY we escaped to our own community!

I don't know if this video is available outside of the U.S., but I highly recommend, the Crappy Childhood Fairy's Youtube video on Cancel Culture. It's a great listen when you're navigating the emotional turmoil of social media culture.

So, if you're still reading after ALL OF THAT :P here are some key points about this blog and my philosophy when it comes to selfshipping:

This blog will always be a judgment free zone

Of course I have opinions! Of course we may disagree on something! But I won't judge you for it. You're allowed to do your own thang! ;)

I will never have a DNI.

If I feel an interaction is crossing into territory that isn't appropriate or acceptable, I'll say so. And if that doesn't work, I'll block and report. But I will never have a DNI on this blog.

Yes, I am an adult. So if minors don't feel comfortable following my blog, it's okay if they don't! I understand!

But I don't have a problem talking with minors because they are human beings and they may need support. I worked in Youth Services at a library for over two years. I know sometimes kids just want someone to talk about cool books and movies with and I'm 100% down for that 24/7 :)

Because this blog is all-ages friendly, I will never post 18+ content because - just like IRL - I make sure that I am mindful of the people around me. I may post some suggestive content that is tagged, but I try not to get too explicit.

I also don’t really think a DNI is necessary for me personally. Of course if I feel threatened by someone, I won’t interact with that person. But if a shipper is into content that I don’t like???? I don’t feel the need to say, “I will never interact with you!” That’s....exhausting. Besides, there are plenty of other things we can chat about! :)

I will always share f/os.

I know some people don't like to share and that's their boundary they can draw if they want to (no shade here!), but I've found that if I don't share, it's a very lonely experience. So I always share and I’m happy to interact if we have the same f/o :)

DMs are always open if you need a shoulder to lean on

If you need to dump or vent or whatever, my DMs will always be open so you can chat! It can feel weird, and maybe you'll feel bad because you won't know what to say!!!

That's okay :)

Even if all you want to do is vent and never reply, I'm happy to listen and offer any words of encouragement and support you need to hear! :)

[ferret-not-microwave]

Les Amis Modern AU: What They Wish Others Believed About Them (Part 5)

[I kind of wrote this in response to some general trends in characterising the Amis. There are some stereotypes which I'm not quite comfortable with.]

[Hey, y'all! I'm so sorry for not posting this series for a long time, I was flattened for the past 12 days by COVID-19. We have Cosette and Marius today, and I'm so glad that I am feeling better enough to write about them. Cheerio!]

Cosette:

• Is fed up of being considered dainty, fragile, weak and excessively nice, a bit of a pushover. She is anything but. Living with crappy foster parents don't really let you do that. She can stand up against bullshit with biting sarcasm if necessary. It's just that Cosette doesn't rise to the bait very easily, because she has trained herself to ignore battles which don't need her attention. But that doesn't mean that she needs to be protected all the time.

• Is sick of having to relate her childhood traumas in order to not be judged as being a privileged airhead. Cosette likes buying nice things. She likes fashion, and she has some habits from Catholic school, still. She spends a lot of money on her friends and loved ones. She is sunshiney and injects bougie humour and fun into meetings. That doesn't mean that she knows nothing about the shitty world, and that she doesn't actively try to make ethical choices in her consumer behaviour and social commitments. She really dislikes the "Ohhhhh" moment coming from someone judging her for her privilege when someone tells her story to them. Why presume that people are shitty for no reason, damnit?

• Is sick of being mistaken as straight. On one memorable Pride, she was called "straight passing". She dislikes the term immensely. She thinks that people do not have the liberty to immediately assume that she is heterosexual because Marius is her partner. Similarly, people do not get to assume her sexuality because she presents stereotypically femme.

• She feels insecure and uncomfortable when people fix too much attention on her in relation to someone else, as if to scrutinize her. It happened twice amongst the Amis, once when Marius introduced her as his crush for the first time, and once when they came to know that she and Eponine knew each other since childhood, and that Eponine's parents were her abusive foster parents. She likes it better if she were befriended for being herself.

• She feels a little frustrated that people didn't get her conflicting feelings towards Eponine. People immediately assumed that she forgave and forgot everything Eponine had done or said when they were children, in her "characteristically sweet way". Actually, the first time she saw Eponine, her fear reared its ugly head again and she almost ran out of the Musain. There was much dancing around Eponine (who seemed worn out and super uncomfortable as well) and it is only with Marius and Courfeyrac's help that Cosette could start a conversion with Eponine. She did it not be particularly forgiving (though she eventually forgave her anyway), but because she needed to leave her emotional baggage behind and move on.

• A large part of Cosette's forgiveness towards Eponine was fuelled by the knowledge of Eponine's own abuse at her parents' hands. As someone who had faced quite a bit of the same abuse, she needed to put her foot down. Cosette was extremely angry about it, and her anger made sure that Eponine could separate from her parents faster, and eventually get custody of her siblings.

• She hates, hates, hates it when people remind her that she's lucky to get an adoptive father like Valjean particularly after she has a row with him. Just because her foster parents were shitty doesn't mean that she cannot speak against some of Valjeans imperfections! And children often disagree with their parents. She doesn't need to be dampened with the idea that she should basically think Valjean to be perfect because of her past. She is fiercely loyal to Valjean, and doesn't need anyone to test that.

• Cosette is protective of Marius. No one gets to mow Marius over with judgements and snide comments. In fact, Marius found himself being not so much the butt of jokes anymore after Cosette teaches him to stand up for himself. At the same time, Cosette does not helicopter parent Marius. She does tease him within limits, and does not usually interfere when he has disagreements with the Amis. It is a fine balance which does exhaust her sometimes.

• Cosette can be mischievous, even impish. She can land punches (whether they hurt or not doesn't matter), ace paintball/mudslinging matches, play the best pranks on April Fool's Day and curse like a sailor if needed. She is especially proud of the wide-eyed look she still gets from some of the Amis at her antics. She can also get people out of trouble faster than you can say "bail".

Marius:

• Marius feels scared of being judged. It is really, really difficult to understand your own privilege when you come from a super rich, super bigoted family (read grandfather). He has taken lots of embarrassing knocks and call-outs every day till now, but he is learning, and learning fast. The Amis know, and for them he isn't some peripheral person anymore, but an integral part. But sometimes he wakes up with nightmares of being kicked out as a wokeboi and a fraud by the whole group. He often stumbles over his words because he panics that maybe what he is trying to say is problematic. It takes him months to take any initiative in the Amis because he suffers from imposter syndrome all the time.

• Marius hid all information about his favourites (he loves strawberry rosé macarons and silver needle tea, for instance) because he thought that he would be judged as a rich brat. Funnily, it was Ferre who had figured these out and was the first Amis to give him a small tea chest and a box of macarons as a birthday gift (followed closely by Courf and Jehan with a huge birthday party). It took time for Marius to understand that just because he got a bit panned for his political opinions the first time, it doesn't mean that the Amis hate him.

• Quite unlike popular belief, Marius and Ferre do get along very well. They share a lot of niche interests (poring over etymology dictionaries and having a love of museums and trivia nights). They did discuss that first "to be free" moment, and Marius had placed his request to be given more chances to undo his problematic stances. (There was also another "to be free" moment that had left Ferre stunned, but it's a them thing). It hurts Marius when people immediately think that he's probably annoying Ferre when they hang out.

• Marius is not stupid. Please. The whole idea people have that he is stupid because of his awkwardness and shyness is plain mean at times. No, he doesn't need to be talked to slowly, like talking to a child. Whenever he has the courage, he brings up a lot of valid points in Musain meetings. He is extremely resourceful in handling money and talks with boring rich people, and fundraisers have never been better without him. He is juggling a double Masters degree with internships and volunteer services, and picks up languages at the drop of a hat (including Elvish).

• Marius has also had that dangerous phase when, in a bid to be as radical as possible, he fell into trouble way too many times. Even the most even-tempered of them all (read Jehan) has outright cried in exasperation on finding Marius glaring at a policeman in a protest, promising to burn the place down with a flare if they didn't back off from hitting protestors. Marius has similarly taken punches and hits, and there was a time when Joly would hover around him to administer first aid as quickly as possible. It took Enj and R a whole day to explain to him the merits of self-preservation and that revolution today does not necessarily involve a militant loss of life.

• Marius has also that phase when he drove a college sophomore to tears with his radical speech. Aka attacking the heck out of the kid's problematic Facebook post. Cosette had to give him a talk. Marius is learning about how to be a zealous but kind activist every day.

[i-am-bitterly-jittery]

Simply Meant To Be (pt 2)

[Part 1]

You don’t need to read part 1 to read this one since that one is Roman backstory and this one is Janus backstory

Rating: teen

Word Count: 3456

Pairings: Remile, Moxiety kinda (they’re kids, but they’re soulmates so I guess it’s future moxiety), Roceit but only at the very end

Warnings: religion, religious cults, religious guilt, child abuse, internalized homophobia, childhood trauma, stalking, threats of kidnapping, throwing up, psychological warfare (?), paranoia, swearing

I think that’s everything

It’s worse than you’d expect after the first part, but not quite as bad as the warnings make it sound, but if any of the warnings make you uncomfortable then feel free to skip this part

I started with some religious stuff right off the bat, so I put the entire fic below the cut

~~~START~~~

When Janus was growing up, he was taught that the colorblindness that everyone was born with was a test from God. God created a beautiful world full of wonderful colors, then gave man the ability to view only a fraction of this beauty. The wicked ones searched selfishly for ways to see even more, but the humble ones were grateful for what little beauty they were given. 

Soulmates were frowned upon in the Community. Janus was taught from a young age that soulmates were a trick, sent by Satan to lead people away from God. Even those who met their soulmates by accident were expelled from the Community. 

As such, Janus never expected to see color — for a while he’d even dreaded the mere thought of it — so he taught himself to discern between shades of gray. He was very good at it, almost to the point that someone who could see color would be fooled into thinking Janus could too. 

The Elders were not very pleased with this skill, and the Community as a whole was torn as to whether it was a sin or not. They said it was a reflection of his desire to see colors, of his desire to stray from God. 

So Janus repented. He begged forgiveness and promised to abandon his skill. He was devoted to God and only God. 

That was a lie of course, Janus prided himself on his ability to discern shades of gray, but he didn’t see why that had to be mutually exclusive to being devoted to God. 

Pride was a sin, and so was lying, but they were lesser sins to the Community than soulmates and colors. God would forgive him. 

He lived in the Community for twenty years, rarely leaving the town and when he did it was only for a few hours. 

He carries a lot of baggage from those twenty years, but he’s doing his best to shoulder it, to not let it affect his relationships with those around him, to not let any of the Community’s teachings hurt his son. 

Sometimes the little voice in the back of his head told him he was being selfish. Janus always silenced this voice with one thought: there’s nothing wrong with a little selfishness. 

Janus started going to gay bars on Saturday nights to feed his selfishness. He was never looking for anything, he had a young son at home after all, but one time, he kissed a man — he threw up in the bathroom afterwards, but he still counted it as a victory. 

There was a teenager that lived in the apartment next to Janus and Virgil’s first home outside the Community, and they were always willing to watch Virgil for a few hours, even if Janus couldn’t afford to pay them much. Elliot was Janus’ first friend outside of the Community, probably his first real friend ever. 

Janus hit Virgil once. Virgil was about two and a half at the time, and he’d proudly told Janus that his favorite color was magenta — after the dog on Blue’s Clues — and Janus hadn’t even thought, he’d just slapped his own son across the face. In the Community, a slap on the face would be the least of a child’s concerns after saying such a thing, but this wasn’t the Community, and Janus was trying to be better than them. He’d been completely consumed by guilt before the tears even began forming in Virgil’s eyes. 

“I’m so sorry baby!” Janus apologized, pulling Virgil in for a tight hug and rocking back and forth in a soothing motion. Virgil easily accepted the hug, and that only made Janus feel worse. Virgil trusted him completely, and he’d betrayed that trust. Janus was going to be better; he was going to do better. He was never going to hurt Virgil again. “I’m so sorry darling. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was all my fault; I shouldn’t have done that. I did a very bad thing, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay daddy. I forgive you.” Janus’ heart broke even more; he didn’t deserve forgiveness. He didn’t deserve this child. 

After Virgil went to bed that night, Janus searched the internet for therapists. Doctor Emile Picani came highly recommended, and after a brief email exchange, they agreed to help Janus, even though he couldn’t afford their usual rate. 

Picani was an… interesting character. They made several strange statements then told him that they were references to cartoons that Janus had never even heard of. TVs in the Community weren’t for children to use, and Virgil was only two, he mostly just watched Blue’s Clues, Dora the Explorer, and Sesame Street. After telling Picani that, they changed their references accordingly, telling Janus that they had their own two-year-old at home, and they were more than familiar with the kind of shows Virgil was watching. 

Picani didn’t think Janus was a bad person, which was a foreign thought for Janus, who was certain that he was going straight to Hell. They were good at finding ways to make the little voice in Janus’ head shut up. It took Janus a while to believe him, but it got a little easier every week. 

Over the years, Emile became his friend, and Janus was grateful to have them every day. 

Emile was the one who insisted that Janus let them throw a birthday party for Virgil’s 5th birthday. Birthday parties hadn’t been a thing in the Community, and even after he left, Janus mostly just celebrated Virgil’s birthday by getting him new clothes, a whole party was a completely foreign idea. 

But Janus had said yes and agreed to bring Virgil over to Emile’s place the following Saturday. The party, he’d been told, would just be Emile, Emile’s husband Remy, and their son Patton. That was good, neither Janus nor Virgil were very good in crowds. 

Of course, whether there was a crowd or not hardly mattered when Virgil had met Patton and informed Janus that “everything is prettier now!”, Janus had a panic attack either way. 

Virgil can see colors! That isn’t allowed, they’ll take him away! He’s only five he needs me! They won’t let me keep him! This is all wrong!

“-five, six, seven. Out, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. In, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Out, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Good. Are you with me, Jan?”

“Yes,” Janus croaked. He was in a different room now, with only Emile. Virgil was nowhere to be seen. “Where’s Virgil!?”

“Breath, Janus. Virgil is in the living room with Remy and Patton. Remy is teaching them all the different colors.”

“They’re going to take him away!”

“No one’s going to take him away. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him meeting his soulmate. Everything is going to be okay.”

“I don’t want to lose him.”

“You’re not going to lose him. You’re not in the Community, there’s no reason anyone will take him away.”

“I’m sorry,” Janus apologized, wiping at his tears. “I probably scared the kids.”

“Would you like a hug?” Janus nodded. That was one of the nice things about being friends with Emile, they gave great hugs and gave them freely. “Virgil was a little concerned about you, but Patton didn’t notice. Remy’s with them now, they’re okay. Do you want to go join them?”

“Not yet.”

“Alright.” Emile allowed them to sit in silence for a while before speaking up again. “I’m proud of you.”

“Why?” Janus asked miserably. 

“Your son met his soulmate and you didn’t respond with anger, you didn’t repeat any of the Community’s teachings, it’s a big step for you.”

“It doesn't feel like a big step.”

“Well it is.” And that was that. 

Ten minutes later Janus was feeling up to joining the others. Virgil climbed into Janus’s lap as soon as he sat down, and having his son in his arms did wonders as far as calming himself down went. 

“This is my source material!” Virgil informed Patton and Remy happily. Patton accepted that information easily, but Remy shot Janus a bemused look. 

Janus shrugged in return. As soon as Virgil had started getting anywhere near being able to speak, Elliot started teaching him weird phrases in the hope that Virgil’s first word would be strange, some of them stuck. 

Virgil started babbling after that, telling Janus about how ‘Mr. Remy’ was teaching him about colors and soulmates. Internally, Janus was grateful that someone else had given Virgil the soulmate talk, someone who hadn’t grown up with a cynical and toxic view of soulmates. 

Other than the hiccup at the beginning, Virgil’s birthday party went pretty well. Patton was a very nice boy — though he’d have to be considering he was Emile’s kid — and Janus truly couldn’t have picked a better soulmate for Virgil if he tried. Patton seemed to have an absurd amount of emotional intelligence for a not-yet five-year-old, and when Virgil starts fatiguing towards the end of the night, Patton’s energy level changes appropriately. 

Janus headed home that night with a sleeping child, two new stuffed animals — one of Blue and one of Magenta — a box of Playdough, a Sesame Street coloring book with crayons — a last minute addition thrown in because of Virgil’s newfound colors — and newfound sense of peace. His son met his soulmate and nothing bad had happened. 

Play dates became a regular thing, and Janus was glad his son would already have one friend going into kindergarten in the fall. One of the kids’ favorite things to do during play dates was painting, and as a result, Janus found himself using his skill to baffle Remy with his ability to paint everything the correct color, even when Remy tried to trick him. Painting, however, was not particularly fun to Janus in and of itself, and wasn’t something he partook in when he and Virgil were at home. 

Remy was actually the one to suggest a different medium for Janus: makeup. Remy even allowed Janus to use him as a canvas, and Janus’ skills on a living canvas soon flourished. Often he would sit down to practice on Remy, and Virgil and Patton would do the same with Emile. Janus’ work would of course look a lot better in the end, but Emile vehemently claimed to love both looks equally. 

Eventually Janus started a YouTube channel dedicated to makeup tutorials. He always used Remy or Emile as models, appearing himself with contacts and half his face painted to look like a snake, hoping that was enough to obscure his identity in case anyone in the Community ever came across his channel. 

His channel became fairly popular, not enough for Janus to make a living from that alone, but he did make enough from the channel for it to pay for itself. He could afford better makeup brands, which meant he could make cooler designs, which made his channel more popular. It was going well. 

Until his mother showed up on his doorstep one day, nearly a decade since he’d last seen her. 

“Janus.”

“Mother.” He didn’t have anything to say to her. Not a thing. Ten years and he hadn’t once felt the need to reach out to her. 

“When are you going to stop this silly game and come home, Janus? We miss you, and this is no environment to raise Virgil in.” She gestured to Janus’ apartment, and Janus’ blood began to boil. 

“Well excuse me for not meeting your standards, mother, but as I recall, it wasn’t my choice to leave in the first place!”

“If this is about Emmaline-”

“It’s not just about Emmaline! Virgil and I are perfectly happy where we are, and I’m not about to go exposing him to your toxic-”

“TOXIC!? Janus Lysander Hadley you take that back this instant! I will not have you speaking about our faith that way!”

“It’s not my faith, mother, it’s yours, and it has no place in my home!”

He should have been expecting the slap, it was a common way for his mother to respond to anyone disagreeing with her, but it had been so long, the sharp sting on his cheek came as a complete surprise. 

“Step aside, Janus, I’m taking Virgil home whether you’re coming or not. You’re clearly not fit to raise a child.”

Her trying to push past Janus and into his apartment shook Janus out of his shocked stupor and he blocked her advance. 

“You’ve never been fit to raise a child in your life!” He hissed, pushing her away from the door. “Now kindly fuck off, mother, you aren’t welcome here!”

He slammed the door on her shocked face, and quickly locked the door, locked the deadbolt, and slid the door chain in place. As soon as the door was thoroughly locked, his mother started pounding on the door, the gravity of the situation sunk in, and his panic started mounting. 

His mother found him. She knew where he lived. She wanted to take Virgil from him. He yelled at his mother. She knew where he lived. He made her angry. She wanted to take Virgil from him. She knew where he lived!

“Sperm donor?”

His son’s voice snapped him out of his spiraling thoughts. Virgil was peeking out from behind the partition for the living room, where he wouldn’t have been visible from the door. He was clearly scared, because of course he was, his father had just had a screaming match with a woman he probably didn’t recognize outside their apartment, and said woman was proceeding to yelling abuse through the apartment door. It had to have more than a little unsettling for the ten-year-old. 

“It’s okay, mini me, everything’s going to be fine.” Janus crossed the room to pull his son into a hug. Virgil latched on to him immediately, shaking from stress. 

“I don’t want to go with her,” Virgil mumbled into Janus’s sweater. “She’s mean.”

“You don’t have to.” Janus tightened his arms around his son protectively. “You’re staying with me.”

Janus’ mother stopped pounding on the door eventually — presumably because one of the neighbors either threatened to call the police, or actually called the police — but Janus and Virgil’s nerves were both shot for the rest of the day, and they both ended up spending the night at the Picanis’. 

Janus didn’t see hide nor hair of his mother for weeks after the incident, but his paranoia levels were through the roof. He wouldn’t let Virgil be home alone anymore, instead having him go home with Patton after school, staying at the Picanis’ until Janus could pick him up. Every day when he got home he would search their apartment for anything out of place that would suggest that someone broke in, he even went as far as constructing minor booby traps for anyone who tried to root around through their things. 

“Janus — I’m saying this as your friend, and as a mental health professional — I’m concerned about you,” Emile told him one day when he came to pick up Virgil from their house. “You’ve been on edge for weeks, it’s not healthy, for you or for Virgil. He told me he’s been having nightmares, you know.”

“I know, I know! But I don’t know what to do!” Janus stressed, he was dangerously close to his breaking point, but he didn’t know how to stop it. 

“Have you considered moving?” Emile asked gently. “It’s clear you don’t feel safe here, maybe putting some more distance between you and your parents will ease your distress.”

“I can’t move; you guys live here. I can’t just take Virgil away from Patton, he’d be devastated.”

“I’m not saying move to Antarctica and become a hermit, we can visit, and Patton and Virgil can Skype. Yeah, it’ll be hard and both of them, but this is hard on them too. Janus, I think it’s important for you to feel safe in your own home, and you obviously don’t.”

“I don’t know…”

But a week later, Janus would be pushed over the edge. 

He came home from work — thankfully before picking Virgil up — to find his apartment door wide open. Cautiously, he searched the apartment for any intruders, but after twenty minutes he was confident that no one was around. 

There were a few things missing, mostly all of Virgil’s crayons and colored pencils, as well as his coloring books and some of the drawings he’d made that Janus had put on the fridge. There were also a few photos of Janus and Virgil missing from their frames, and a tile with Virgil’s baby handprint missing from the kitchen. And three of Janus’ booby traps had been sprung telling him that whomever broke into his apartment — presumably his mother — had opened the hall closet, the cabinet next to the fridge, and the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. 

As if that was bad enough, there, in plain sight on the dining room table was a copy of the Community’s version of the Bible. 

“We have to move.” Janus wasn’t sure how he ended up at the Picanis’; everything after finding the bible had been a panicked blur. All he knew was that he couldn’t stay at that apartment anymore. 

Moving was hard. Virgil didn’t like it, but he was afraid of their apartment too, and if Janus and Virgil just moved in with the Picanis — which Remy had suggested — then Janus’ parents would just start terrorizing them too, and Janus couldn’t have that. No, it was better that he and Virgil move away, not just to a new apartment, but to a new city, a new state even! Somewhere his parents wouldn’t find him or Virgil. 

They ended up moving to Florida, halfway across the country. Remy had a cousin in Florida, one that he swore up and down that Janus would love, and moving somewhere where he sort of knew someone was better than starting over from scratch a second time. 

Remy and Patton came with them to help them move and to allow Patton and Virgil to spend as much time together as they could. Emile stayed behind since they couldn’t reschedule all their appointments on such short notice. Emile did suggest a new therapist near Janus’ new home, and included a suggestion for Virgil too. 

Having Remy around for the moving process was good because he was able to parcel things out in ways that didn’t make Janus feel overwhelmed with the amount of work that went into moving. Having Patton around for the moving process was good because when all Virgil could see were negatives, Patton pointed out the positives and had a way of making Virgil begrudgingly agree to them. 

Part of the moving process was for Janus to change his and Virgil’s name in the hopes of throwing his parents off their scent. Since Virgil was taking the move so hard, Janus let him pick their new last name to make him feel better. Of course Virgil was beginning to enter his emo-pre-teen-angst phase, so he picked a name that was edgy and extra: Storm. 

Janus Storm. 

He sounded like a supervillain, but it made Virgil happy, and he could never resist anything that made Virgil happy. 

Before Remy and Patton went home, Remy introduced Janus and Virgil to his cousin: Thomas Sanders. Thomas owned a theater in town, and offered to let Janus use him as a model for his YouTube videos. He was alright; Virgil seemed to like him well enough, and Janus trusted Virgil’s instincts on these kinds of things. 

It was a teary goodbye when Remy and Patton went home, and Virgil refused to speak for the rest of the day, but once their plane touched down, Patton called on Remy’s phone, so maybe the distance wouldn’t be too bad. 

The Picanis came to visit for Virgil’s eleventh birthday since it occurred during Patton’s winter break. They ended up staying for almost a week.

Almost a year after Janus and Virgil moved to Florida, Thomas called Janus to tell him that the makeup artist at his theater quit, and that the job was Janus’ if he wanted it. 

Taking that job turned out to be the best decision of his life. 

“I’m Roman.”

The moment Janus had been dreading since he was a child was finally happening. The moment Janus had learned to be cautiously optimistic about was finally happening. 

Slowly, as though someone were carefully turning up the volume on a speaker, the monochrome world around Janus began to change, and he finally understood what Virgil meant by ‘everything is prettier’, because it was. It was wonderful and terrifying all at once. 

“Janus.”

~~~END~~~

Janus’ backstory wasn’t supposed to be quite this angsty but  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ here we are. It’s probably never going to get this heavy again

Let me know if I forgot to tag anything or put anything in the warnings

taglist:

@royalty-of-all-things-snuggly @pixelated-pineapple @northlight14 @mistythegenderqueermess @bluerosesbleedred @sevencrashing @awkwardjester @everythingisstardust

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[ourloveisforthelovely]

In Love and Death Chapter 15

Harry Potter AU 

Link to Chapter 14

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader 

Rating: M

______

After Sirius calmed down, you went upstairs to the bedroom for a nap. After all of the excitement, you needed some rest. Regulus sat on the bed when you walked in. He looked up at you with those “please love me” eyes that typically got him anything that he wanted.

Ugh, why does he have to be so fudging adorable?

You thought as Regulus finally spoke.

“Is he okay?”

You nodded, sitting down beside him.

“I think I calmed him down. Regulus smirked. If there was someone that could talk anyone down after being upset by something...it was you. Even though you were typically sarcastic and sassy, you knew how to handle upset people like a champ.

“How did you do it? Scotch?”

Both of you laughed at that. It had been days since the two of you had a conversation like this and you realized how much that you missed it. You had missed “your” Regulus more than anything else. His sudden sullen quietness that he usually reserved for other people being directed at you was more hurtful than any of his icy words could have been. You understood though. He was still in a panicked state over you running after Harry and Bellatrix. It was risky...you had to admit that (especially given your condition). Had the roles been reversed you would have probably been a wreck to. You may have chosen your words and actions a little differently but you would have been upset.

“That is actually a brilliant idea, darling. I just talked him down. That’s what he needed. It's clearly a shock.”

Regulus took your hand in his as he traced his fingers over your palm. A “shock” was a great way of putting what he had just witnessed. Knowing that he had a niece that was 10 was a definite shock to Regulus’ system. He had tried to process his thoughts on the matter and was only coming up with anger and annoyance. Regulus’ main source of annoyance was with the child’s mother, whoever she was. The woman should have come to Sirius when she found out that she was expecting. He was already raising Harry so he could have easily supported his own child.

Your voice pulled Regulus from his thoughts.

“How are you feeling about it?”

Regulus turned his attention back to you.

“I don’t know. I mean...I always suspected that Sirius would knock some girl up with the way that he behaved but it's different now that it actually happened. Part of me is angry that Sirius is getting hit with this 10 years later. I mean, he’s missed 10 years of this child’s life. Another part is pissy because there wasn’t much that I could do to help him being dead and all. The last part is thrilled that this child didn’t grow up with my family...you know what a hot disaster that is. However, I have no idea what kind of trauma this child did grow up with...it could be 10 times worse than whatever we had to offer.”

You lay your head on his shoulder with a sigh. Regulus was definitely right on that one. This kid could be 100% blissfully normal or could be some poor damaged thing that grew up like yourself.

“Either way, she just lost her mother. That will be rough. No matter if a parent is cruel or not...when you lose a parent it's painful. You think about what you could have had if the fates would have been remotely kind to you.”

You said, sadly. Regulus immediately frowned, feeling awful. That statement alone told Regulus how you were feeling. No matter how tough of a front that you put up, you were missing your own mother. It was probably the way Regulus felt when he “woke up” to find that both of his own parents were dead. There was a mixture of relief and sadness.

“We can give the child something better, you know? I think Sirius will do just fine. It may be a bit of a dumpster fire at first but at least we won’t be our parents.”

You had to agree with Regulus on that one. Sirius, Regulus, and yourself at least knew what “not to do.” The three of you wouldn’t care if the child was a Slytherin or a Gryffindor or any house for that matter. You would see the child’s talents and what made that child “special.”

“That's true. We are most certainly not them.”

The two of you sat in silence until you squeaked as the baby shoved another little foot in your ribs. Regulus’ head turned in your direction.

“Are you okay?”

You nodded.

“I would be if your child would leave my ribs alone.”

Regulus smirked before gently placing his hand on your stomach. You were thrilled to see him smile when the baby moved under his hand.

“The baby has been moving a lot lately.”

Regulus commented, his smile not leaving his face.

“I guess I should stop drinking coffee if I want to make it another month. Just so you know, we are never doing this again.”

Regulus nodded. He was fine with this being the only one. Now that he knew healers didn’t know everything, he was pleased with the outcome.

“That’s fine with me. Y/n, about the past few days...I’m sorry that I have been a dick. Watching you run off after my psycho cousin scared the crap out of me. You know that I couldn’t function without you. Since I came back from whatever it was that Voldemort did to me...you’ve been the constant that I needed.”

You copied his action of taking his hand in yours and stroking your fingers over his palm. This was one of the ways to calm him down. A few soft strokes of your hand would leave Regulus a moldable little lump of clay in your hands.

“In your defense, it was kind of dumb for me to run after her.”

Regulus rolled his eyes.

“I didn’t have to be a dick though.”

“You had your reasons. Let's just say everything is okay and move on, huh?”

Regulus nodded, feeling thrilled for that outcome. If he could just have you back as his lover and things be normal he would be fine with everything in his life.

“That sounds really nice.”

The next morning you stood with Regulus and Sirius as the three of you waited to finally meet Lucinda. Neither Regulus nor Sirius had said much since arriving at the ministry. Sirius had been a nervous wreck all morning and had been anxiously tapping his fingers on any surface that he could get his hands on. It was Regulus that finally told him to “fucking stop.”

You couldn’t help but smile at the difference between both brothers. Sirius stood looking like his typical rock’n’roll god self while Regulus stood at your side in the dark suit that hugged his slender body perfectly.

Now isn’t the time to start drooling over him.

You thought with a smile as Sirius turned to his brother.

“What do I say?”

Regulus didn’t make a facial expression or turn to face his brother. How the fuck was he supposed to tell Sirius what to say when he didn’t know himself.

Hi, we are your family but just found out about you.

Hello, you’re coming with us. Do you have any emotional issues that we should know about?

Regulus had to choke back a smirk at both of those thoughts. Sirius was going to have to tackle this one. Regulus had no idea what he would say if the shoe was on the other foot.

“You could start with hello.”

Regulus suggested earning a sneer from his older brother.

“I am so glad that I asked you for help.”

Regulus again didn’t turn to his elder brother.

“You know that I’m not good at these things.”

“She’s your niece too.”

Sirius commented. Finally, Regulus turned to look at his brother.

“I am very much aware of that. Have you thought about just what we are getting ourselves into, Sirius? This child could be damaged...worse than what we were.”

Sirius closed his eyes. He didn’t want to think about that. The last thing that he wanted to consider was his own child could have had a worse childhood than him. In all of his years, Sirius had sworn that if he were to ever have a child that she/he would never grow up with abuse. Now that promise could have been for nothing…

“She’s still my daughter...traumatized or not. I can’t just do nothing.”

Regulus frowned.

“That isn’t what I meant. I only meant that we should both be prepared for the worst.”

Sirius nodded.

“You shouldn’t worry about it. You have your own family to deal with. Y/n will have your baby soon. You shouldn’t be worried about mine.”

The sentence left Sirius’ mouth before he really thought about what he had said. He knew, if it had been years before, Regulus would do nothing to help him. He would probably sit back and watch him suffer. It wasn’t until Sirius saw the annoyed expression on Regulus’ face did he realize that his brother wasn’t going to just leave him behind.

“You’re talking crazy. Whether I have my own family or not, you are still my brother and I’m not letting you do this alone.”

You sniffed earning a stare from both Regulus and Sirius.

“God damn these pregnancy hormones...you two are making me want to cry. This is worse than the sad abused pet commercial.”

Before Sirius or Regulus could make a comment, a witch stepped out of the office. Her attention went to Sirius before smiling politely.

“Mr. Black, I am sorry to have kept you waiting. If you all will come with me.”

Sirius was crossing the room without a second thought. Regulus’ hand wrapped around yours, seeking reassurance that only you could provide. You gave him a small smile before the two of you followed Sirius into a small office. The witch turned with another kind smile.

“She hasn’t said more than two words since she has been with us. I believe that the poor dear has suffered something horrible in her short life.”

Regulus turned to face you with a dark expression that said “I knew it.” Sirius was unable to say a word so it was Regulus that turned to the woman and said a quiet thank you.

The three of you waited until the witch walked out of the room before turning to face the small girl sitting by the window. Both Sirius and Regulus glanced at each other as the little girl turned. Right away both brothers could see their mother as a child looking back at them. Everything about Lucinda screamed Walburga Black only with deliberate differences. She was a lot smaller than Walburga at ten years old.

You, meanwhile, couldn’t help but smile. Everything about her screamed Sirius and Regulus Black. Her eyes matched her father’s, however, the expression on her face reminded you of Regulus.

The poor dear looked scared to death. Your newly acquired maternal instincts kicked in and you wanted nothing more than to hug the poor little girl and stroke your fingers through her curly dark hair...yet another feature that she shared with Regulus.

You stood quietly beside Regulus as Sirius knelt down in front of Lucinda and spoke quietly.

“Hi sweetheart, I know this all has to be very confusing for you and I’m sorry that you are going through the things that you are. I’m…”

“You’re my father. I know. I heard what the woman out there said to some other people.”

Sirius nodded.

“I am. I don’t know everything about you, dear but I won’t let anything bad happen to you again. You can have a family now. Speaking of which, this is your uncle Regulus and aunt Y/n. They are going to help take care of you too.”

The whole way back to Grimmauld Place, Lucinda didn’t say much. Her eyes were focused solely on the road in front of her. You had a feeling that Regulus was going to be right about the whole thing. This poor dear had seen things that children hadn’t seen and had no idea how to recover from it.

You stood in the kitchen helping Tonks cook dinner. Tonks gave you a smile before patting your arm.

“You know that it is all going to be okay, right? We are going to get the little love straightened out and before long we’ll all make some strange big happy family.”

Regulus was sitting at the table and laughed at Tonks’ comment.

“She’s onto something, Y/n. Notice that she said strange. I think that's fitting.”

“Strange works for us.”

You commented as Lucinda walked in. She sat down across from Regulus. Her eyes had locked on you watching your every move. Tonks elbowed you in the side with a small grin as if telling you to “work some magic.”

“So sweetheart, what foods do you not like?

The little girl shrugged.

“I’m not picky ma’am.”

Regulus’ eyes rolled up from the paper as you tilted your head.

“You don’t have to call me ma’am.”

Lucinda shrugged.

“Mother would have beaten me if I didn’t.”

Both Regulus and yourself locked gazes. You could see the fury quickly building in your lover’s face as he pressed his lips together. Taking a breath, you crossed the room and sat down beside Lucinda.

“I had a mother like that too. Lucinda you were born into a family that didn’t appreciate you. Now things are going to be very different. You have a lot of people who care for you now.”

The following weeks proved to be some of the more difficult for everyone in the house. You quickly began to realize how much Lucinda’s early childhood reminded you of your own and it was one of the more painful things that you had dealt with in a long time. Lucinda reminded you so much of yourself as a child. She was quiet, agreeable, and quickly grown to following you all over the place (and you didn’t mind). She was quickly opening up to everyone a little more with each day.

You smiled at how much she reminded you of an even mixture of Regulus and Sirius. Something told you that once she “came into her own,” Lucinda would be the perfect little trouble maker. Sirius was too good at getting caught. Lucinda, however, had Regulus’ sneaky nature and would probably get away with whatever the task was.

One morning, you stood in the kitchen feeding your obsessive need for hot chocolate. Regulus and Sirius had gone off on a mission leaving Tonks and yourself at home with Lucinda.

“Hot chocolate again?”

Tonks smirked at the expression on your face as you shoved another bite of a cupcake in your mouth.

“Yes.”

Tonks gave Lucinda a playful smile before turning back to you.

“If you keep feeding that baby like that, he will never want to be born.”

You rolled your eyes before turning and going off in search of a bottle of water.

“Yeah, well I don’t think that is going to be happening.”

Tonks quickly sat up on the counter.

“Yeah, and why is that?”

You turned.

“Considering that I have been having contractions all morning off and on.”

Tonks' amused expression immediately turned to worry. She quickly looked down at her watch. Jumping off of the counter, Tonks quickly began to pace.

“It's too soon. You have another month and a half. Have you called Regulus?”

“Tonks, it's a bit early to panic. It isn’t like my water…”

As soon as you said it a wet sensation went down your legs. Tonks met your gaze as her mouth dropped. She quickly turned and tossed her phone at Lucinda who effortlessly caught it.

“Darling, call your father and uncle. Keep calling them obnoxiously until one of them answers the phone.”

Tonks turned back to you. She gently pushed you into an empty chair. Had it not been for the pain of another contraction you may laugh at the hilarity of the situation. Tonks was spazzing out as if she had never given birth herself.

“There’s no stopping it now. I’m going to go get Molly. She of all people will know what to do. I want to sit here and breathe. REMUS!”

“Right here, why are you yelling, darling?”

Remus asked, stepping into the room looking confused. Tonks was practically jumping up and down as she pointed to you over and over. Remus raised an eyebrow.

“My water broke.”

You explained. Remus’ mouth dropped as he followed his wife’s example and checked his watch.

“It…”

“Too early...I know...baby is coming…”

You whimpered through gritted teeth. Lucinda was still playing phone tag with Sirius and Regulus. She finally gave up and turned to you.

“I’m not getting either of them, aunty. Dad’s line just rings and Regulus’ is going straight to voicemail.”

You rolled your eyes before internally muttering to yourself to calm down. The last thing that you wanted to do was traumatize the poor girl in front of you anymore.

“Regulus probably broke his phone again.”

Remus finally pulled himself out of his own state of worry.

“I’ll go get them. I know where they went.”

You nodded as Remus disappeared from the room. Molly quickly appeared into the room taking Remus' place. Her friendly face was full of worry as she reached you. Tonks was behind her still looking as if she was taking Regulus’ place in having a panic attack. It took all that you had not to giggle.

“Y/n, Dora said that your water broke?”

You nodded, still trying to keep your calm and casual persona.

“Yep. That is the way that it looks. I think Dora is having a worse time though.”

Molly quickly reached out for your hand.

“Come on, we need to get you into bed.”

You shook your head.

“Oh no...not yet. I want to wait right here to tell Regulus that my mother was right. Sex is bad.”

Molly instantly broke out into a fit of laughter. Had she not been through childbirth so many times; the comment wouldn’t be as funny. Hearing it come from the first time mum was all the more adorable.

“I’ll be sure to let him know what you said. Now come, dear. We need to get you settled.”

______

@amelie-black @truly-insatiable @fandomsxxregulus @realgaytrash @lucasfilms77 @spiderxalmighty @whymyparentscheckmyphone @jessyballet @knreidy1 @quuenofblacks @bennyberry @hazncalsgal @teletubiswszpilkach @acciosiriusblack @fific7 @sunles @rubyroscoe1 @criminalyetminimal @exhsle @sluttforsirius @brokencasbutt67-writer @authoressskr @fandom-trash-worth-it @hankypranky @summer-novak @li0nh34rt @tas898 @marichromatic @shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @knight-of-gleefulness @stuckinsaudi1 @untoldshortsofthefandoms @sprnaturallover @deanwherescas @shitfaceddaniel @wontlookaway @mycuddlycorner

[agirldying]

Sometimes I think my father sexually abused me as a child, I don’t like touching him at all, it makes me viscerally uncomfortable, he used to ask when I was going to get boobs when I was a young kid, and I rarely get nightmares of running from him, knowing that if he was to catch me I’d get really hurt even though I wasn’t sure how I’d get hurt

But then I also get confused about whether maybe it was my mom, because there’s less evidence for that but sometimes she will touch my butt, if she’s like trying to give me some sort of a reassuring pat and I let her sub my back but sometimes I get incredibly scared while she does, as if she’s going to touch me somewhere else

I also remember as a kid being weirdly interested is sex and having too much knowledge on how it works, and at some points when I was younger (like 8 years old) and even now I’d get the ‘need to masturbate’ as in I felt incredibly uncomfortable unless I had something inside me and I didn’t even worry about it that much as a kid, like I knew I shouldn’t do that but I just didn’t want my mom to see me doing that even though I saw it like scratching an itch

I’m part of a system too and as far as I can tell, me and the other 2 from the ‘original split’ (the ones we had in the beginning that would’ve integrated but couldn’t) all have a strong hatred for my parents (my dad especially) but we have osdd so none of us really know if either of them actually did something or if it’s just because they neglected us for years

Im just so tired of wondering and I want a concrete answer but it feels like that’s never going to come and I’m scared of what happens if we find out, because that would mean either we’ve been faking all this distress or we actually got abused

Okay this is actually 100% my situation as well, like you literally wrote out something I myself have been thinking about lol

Honestly it sounds like there are some things you remember about your parents that suggest you were abused but it's hard to be sure as long as these memories of abuse are potentially being repressed.

Also, either way, whether your parents directly abused you or neglected you, both things are still trauma and it makes sense that your parts would be affected by this (if you prefer them being referred to in another way lmk).

It's always a scary question to answer - whether or not some kind of abuse occurred. I know that I just choose not to think about it because I'm too scared to entertain the possibility, but others may feel more resolved at least knowing the answer, whatever it is. I think we can both agree, though, that both potential answers have consequences - if it turns out there isn't trauma, that means some things to your system or perception thereof, and if there is trauma that means you are given the responsibility of acknowledging and digesting your trauma, which is a very difficult and painful process.

Personally, by statistics, you probably have been through childhood abuse, which explains your plurality. If that turns out to be the case, I'm sorry you've been through all of that. Either way, I'm here if you need anything.

[mvnvgedmischief]

unremarkable days. 

summary: sirius black is trying to be a good man, a good brother, a good person. Sirius has a steady job designing book covers for a publishing house, a flat he never leaves, and a traumatized brother who was just removed from the custody of his parents. All in all, it's wildly unremarkable.

characters: sirius black, regulus black, background wolfstar

tags: tw: canon compliant abuse, child abuse, social services

words: 3.1k

read it on ao3 here

When Sirius wakes up, he feels like he doesn’t know where he is. It’s all too much, as usual. Just another completely  unremarkable day. He wishes he could say he didn’t feel like this all the time, he wishes he could say that waking up didn’t feel like the ultimate betrayal– a way that his body continued to force itself not to submit to his will. But he couldn’t say that when his day and his routine always felt like a chore. Not when he was tired, and so fucking bored of this life he kept waking up into. So he mindlessly rolls out of bed, thin hands already wrapped around his body in a self soothing posture. He didn’t remember the last time he had a good night’s rest. He finds himself stepping on the hardwood floor, all of his bones cracking into place, and wonders what the day will bring him.  

The way he trudged over to the coffee machine was mechanical. It was always just a short twenty steps, and yet each  stride felt like an eternity. He knew that nothing would get better without his normal too sweet cup of coffee, his eyes would not click into focus, the buzzing in his brain would  not slow down, the way his stomach lurched with every step, none of it would end until he had his  usual cup. So he made his way through the desolate flat, eyes unseeing, and before he knew it, his hands were wrapped around the shocking cold of a glass brimming with ice and espresso. He knew this isn’t the most productive part of his morning routine, but he doesn’t have the energy to care. A quick glance towards the clock told him he was running late, and it takes a moment for his brain to register the fact that he needs to care about that. He needed to do something about that. So he returns to his room, coffee in hand, and methodically picks out an outfit. When he was younger, his mother had impressed upon him the importance of a uniform. Every outfit should have at least three pieces, and uniforms were an excellent way to maintain looking put together. It was one of the only things Walburga had ever truly taught him, and it was all thanks to the high society life he left behind. 

But that life was gone now, it only lived in the recesses of his mind, and the periphery of his vision. He trudges back out of his room once more, this time towards his computer. He was far too busy to be behaving in this manner. He didn’t have the time to lose his mind, there were deadlines approaching. He logged on to his computer, into his first meeting of the day, and was met with a new project. He wished he could say he paid enough attention to know what the pitch was, but he figured he’d read the  summary  of the work in the brief James was kind enough to send over, as well as the client notes. It pays to work with your best friend. Sirius found himself chuckling humorlessly at that statement, and wondered how long it had been since he actually laughed.

He threw himself into the project, illustrating for a book cover he has yet to actually consider the content for. He knew it was a personal work, a series of poems that are no doubt about depression and trauma, given the brief, but there was no way he would actually be reading the poems. Not when he was already dealing with his own chaos. He was so busy grappling with being spurned by  his family, by his younger brother, that he didn’t really have the energy for someone else’s trauma. Instead, he was too busy trying to figure out how to deal with the resentment from his younger brother, a brother who had been placed in his care by the government. He was trying to figure out  how to budget for two, how to make this all work. The hearings and the documents and the lawyers and the awarding of custodial custody had all been incredibly intense, and he still didn’t know how to explain to Reggie why he left him behind, or how to ask what kind of support he needed. 

He heard the door click closed, which is a sound Sirius is not yet accustomed to.  He felt the hair stand up on the back of his throat, and his fingernails have torn into the soft flesh on the inside of his arm before he remembers that two people live here now and he is no longer living with his parents in Islington. Regulus had the courtesy to not say anything to him, instead locking himself in his room. For a moment, Sirius considered just leaving his brother alone, but something struck him as wrong. While they might not know how to interact the way they used to, Sirius would be damned if he couldn’t find a way to support his brother through this transition. It takes him a moment to remember that it was two pm on a Wednesday, which means Regulus just returned from court ordered counseling, no doubt to deal with the trauma his parents put him through. So Sirius pulled himself out of his chair, and shuffled over to Regulus’s door hesitantly. His thin fingers curled into a fist, but before he can even knock Regulus’s quiet sobbing met his ears. 

Sirius moved much faster after that, spurred on by his brother’s clear distress. He barely registered Regulus’s quiet “come in” before he’s bounding through the door. 

In times like these, Sirius is confronted with the fact that Regulus is only fifteen, and that  this whole thing must be weighing heavily upon him. It reminded Sirius a lot of himself, because Sirius wasn’t much older when he was kicked out of their childhood home. But still, Regulus seemed so much less prepared than Sirius had been. Sirius was again confronted by just how young they were, only fifteen and twenty-one, and far too young to be dealing with these calamities. Sirius only hoped that he could prevent Regulus from making the same mistakes he had, trusting the wrong people, only to be spurned by them. 

He sat cross legged on the floor beside Regulus, unsure of what to do. He wants to pull his brother into a fierce hug, and tell him that he’s safe here. But instead, he did the thing he always craved others would have, when he was a scared kid falling apart at the seams because of his parents and their torments. 

“Reg, can I touch you?” He asked, arms limply at his sides. He wondered if it was weird to ask, even though if Regulus said yes it wouldn’t matter whether or not it had been weird. 

The younger boy let out a heavy sigh and nodded, and their identical silver eyes meet in a look of anguish and understanding. 

Sirius pulled his younger brother into his arms, his embrace gentle, and found himself tutting as though he were a parent. He was trying to be comforting, he really was. Reg was so small, and Sirius remembers what that was like too. He remembers being that young, and that alone. He knew how badly they must have hurt Reg, for him to have reacted like this. Regulus was always much more prone to passivity, to giving in and staying quiet. He had always tried to blend into the background, and Sirius, in return, had always made much  more noise to keep their attention. It was only when he took it too far, that all attention was on Regulus. Regulus had simply cracked under their pressure, which was why Child Protective Services had gotten involved. He couldn’t hide anymore,  he had been noticed, and it wasn’t long before they got more vindictive. Regulus was lucky someone had called for a constable when the screaming in their old home was so loud the neighbors could hear, because he had been in such a state when the ambulance arrived. 

The crying only subsided when Regulus collapsed of exhaustion in Sirius’s thin arms. For as much as Sirius wanted to just let the boy sleep in the safety of an embrace from the closest thing he’d ever have to a paternal figure, he needed to go back to work if they wanted to maintain their flat. So he settled his brother into bed and made his way back to his desk. His email had popped off for lack of a better term, and the client wanted to schedule a preliminary ideation meeting. So he added Remus Lupin to his calendar and went back to his sketches. 

He heard the familiar ping of his alarm, and compiled his sketches into a PDF to prepare for his meeting. He grabbed his pen, his notebook, and titled his page for his notes. Remus Lupin: Pre-Lim/Brief. This would  hopefully be quick, and he could log off for the rest of the day. Something was nagging at him, like he knew things were about to go incredibly wrong. It felt like a thrumming in his chest, and a constant need to look over his shoulder. But he ignored it, in favor of popping on his headphones, and opening the Webex meeting. Before him was a man that looked almost as young as himself, with caramel colored hair and eyes to match. This was decidedly not good. Sirius didn’t have the time to develop a crush, and it seemed unethical to crush on the authors of the books he designed cover art for. But he doubted that would stop him, when he tended to be romantic by nature. 

“I’m Sirius, I’m the designer spearheading this project. Sorry we couldn’t do this in the office, I’m currently working remote.”

“Hi!” The other man greeted, “i’m Remus! Do you know when you’ll be back in the office? We could  reschedule and do this meeting over coffee?” Sirius could tell this was Remus’s first publication, either he had previously self published  or he had simply never worked with a company before, because he seemed eager to have his hands in design in the way that only green authors want to. 

“I don’t really know, I’m currently dealing with a family crisis. But if I do come in, I’ll be sure to Teams you.”

“Oh, okay. I just wanted to get a sense for what direction you’re taking the cover art in.”  

Sirius nodded, eyes trained on the screen, “I read over the brief you and James wrote up, and did some precursory sketches. I sent them over in an email, but I could also share my screen.”

They talked about the logistics of the art, what Remus was trying to convey in his poetry. It wasn’t until they were talking about the subject matter of the book that Sirius felt his teeth set on edge once more.

“The book covers a lot of abuse and processing trauma in a tongue in cheek way, so I think it’s important that the cover art conveys that while also not being too serious. I don’t want people to look at the book and go ‘oh that book is about when your ex boyfriend beats you’ but I don’t want it to catch them off guard –” 

Remus’s explanation was interrupted on Sirius’s end, by Regulus stumbling out of his room, eyes wide with fear. It was clear Sirius was no longer paying attention, and Sirius was sure that his client could hear the frightened way he called out “Siri–” on the other line. 

“Listen Remus, I have to call you back. Thanks so much for meeting with me, but I need to take care of something. My number’s on the emails if you want to discuss the book further.”

Sirius is quick to hang up the phone, and even quicker to move from the chair at his desk and meet his brother in the middle of the room. His silver eyes were trained on Regulus’s shaking hands and the blood dripping from fingers. He wondered what happened, but he wasn’t about to press the young boy. Not when he looked so thoroughly terrified. So instead, Sirius gently guides him over to the sink in the kitchen, rinses his hands under the water, and bandages up his hands. 

“Siri I swear, I didn’t mean to break it. It just happened, I’m sorry I really didn’t mean it–” Regulus was rattling off apologies and all Sirius wanted was to make him feel safe. He wanted to remind him that he wasn’t in Islington, that Sirius wouldn’t be mad about whatever he broke. But he doesn’t know what to say, other than “don’t worry about it, Reg.”  In that moment, Sirius practically swears that his chest aches with a heartache he forgot he could feel. 

When Reg finally settled down again, back to callously ignoring Sirius because of the resentment he had built up, Sirius found himself letting out a sigh he didn’t know he had been holding in. He had wondered how long their actual talking would last, but Sirius would take a sporadic two hours over two consistent minutes any day. 

He settled onto his couch, telly on for background noise, when he noticed a text from James. 

James: i’m coming over in 15. Bringing friends. Be cool. 

Sirius wanted to bang his head against the wall, because he couldn’t have friends over right now.  Not when Regulus was in such a precarious position. But given how long it had been since James had texted him,  there was no stopping him now. So instead Sirius knocks on Regulus’s door, only to find him in bed and half asleep. Sirius wondered if it was normal for a traumatized fifteen year old to sleep this much. But still, he explains to Regulus what was happening, in case the young man wanted him to divert to going out. When offered the out, away from constant vigilance, Regulus didn’t take it, which was, in some way, comforting to Sirius. Instead he told Sirius to try to be quiet, and not let anyone in his room, which Sirius happily obliges. In no time James was telling hiim they were on their way up, and that he was bringing the girl he had a crush on and her roommate. 

Sirius felt like a slob, looking around his home, but he didn’t have the energy to clean it up. So instead, he just unlocked the door, and told them to come in when they arrived. When they did finally make it, Sirius was shocked to be met with the author he had spoken to only a few short hours earlier, as well as his friends, and the girl James was apparently  smitten with. It was clear that Sirius was caught off guard evidently, because James was shouting “Surprise!” from behind him. 

Sirius met that excitement with a cold “Be quiet, Jamie.” It was clear that the group was drunk, which also didn’t bode well for Sirius. Because as soon as they were all settled on the couch, James is airing Sirius’s current chaos. 

“Remus, now that you’re our new best friend,” the man slurred, “you can peer pressure Siri into coming out with us. That bitch never comes out anymore because he’s a responsible parent.” 

Sirius, still nursing a cup of coffee, mumbled, “I resent that” into his cup. 

However, Remus must not have noticed, because he was too busy laughing. Part of Sirius was jealous at that, and he knew it. “I’m sure Sirius will come out when he has the time.” Sirius’s silver eyes met caramel brown and he wondered why Remus was sticking up for him. He finds his calloused hand brushing Remus’s thigh just briefly, and he wondered if he truly wants to flirt in front of his friends, people he’s never had the courage to come out to. 

The rest of their time in his apartment is a blur to Sirius, a blur of getting to know Remus a little better, and trying to  keep  James in line, but a blur nonetheless. But apparently whatever little flirting he had done had been enough for Remus to get the hint, because before Sirius can even blink it feels like, James is shouting for everyone to follow him to a bar, only for Remus to stay behind. 

When the others are out the door, Remus decided he’d make a move, and make a move he did. He got completely in the other man’s space and begins making demands. “If you’re gonna think about me that much, you could at least have the  decency to kiss me.” 

In an instant, Sirius was acting on it, and for a moment it feels like all of his troubles melted away. All he could focus on for a split second was the pillowy softness of Remus’s lips. And just as quickly  as he came, Remus is bounding out the door to follow behind the group. 

This was a day Sirius would remember for a long time. 

The next morning was Regulus’s first day back to school after all of the proceedings, and Sirius was excited to have the house to himself. So excited, in fact, that he sent off a text stating that he dropped Reg off to school, and that he hoped he could actually get some work done that day. That text had been intended for James, but Sirius clearly hadn’t been focused enough to make sure James was the recipient, because he quickly realized that it went to Remus instead. 

Remus, however, responds with excitement and asks if they could finish their conversation of his book over coffee, and Sirius simply didn’t have the heart to say no. That was how Remus ended up in Sirius’s apartment. However, what that didn’t explain were the events that followed. 

When Remus arrived, Sirius felt like shit. He felt shaky and like his vision was clouded and exhausted. He hadn’t intended to fall asleep while Remus was in his home, and he definitely didn’t expect Remus's legs as his pillow, and a pale hand combing through his unruly hair mindlessly. 

He really didn’t expect the way Remus kissed him again, with much more passion and fervor than he had the night before. And maybe it was Sirius’s lack of expectations and predictions that would be his downfall, because it was definitely how he ended up pulling his clothes back on while Remus slept off his afterglow in Sirius’s bed, and how Sirius ended up agreeing to a date with Remus later in the week, despite the fact that Sirius didn’t have the time. 

[one-abuse-survivor]

i don't know if I'm supposed to be here. i think i may have experienced trauma. not so much direct abuse (save for only a scatter of instances of physical abuse and emotional abuse), but more than anything emotional neglect, and being witness to DV (if it can be called that - my parents fought a lot in front of us, and it was violent physically and verbally, but maybe that's different)

because of whatever was going on with them, they pretty much left our younger brother to us in every way except physical needs. i think in a way i had begun to see myself responsible for him emotionally and mentally, because he didn't have my parents so he came to me mostly for emotional things. he was six years younger than me - much of this was when i was 10-12 and he was 4-6

but with everything back then, i was depressed and irritable and messed up and he was left to me, and i was trying to be something to him that i had no understanding or idea of, and i feel like i have messed up so much by him by trying to be that to him. i feel like in doing that i just damaged him a lot emotionally by losing control and patience and yelling at him when he was just being a kid with emotional needs

none of it is really an excuse or a justification and i know that. and i don't really know what i'm asking for here. i've never told anybody this, but i read over the traits of toxic parents and i see myself in them and i feel so disgusting and ashamed. he deserved so much better, a better family and life and more love and he never got any of it

i guess i want to think, i was a child in a shitty situation too - i want that as an excuse, but another part of me thinks that maybe it's not really as simple as that. bc i still hurt him and messed him up - or at least, they are two separate things that co-exist

now that i am older and i am more in control and calm, i have apologised to him several times, and i have told him that the way i had treated him back then was not his fault or anything to do with him, and i was the one that was stupid and disgusting and messed up. but the damage is done already, and i see that in all these little ways in him and i can't ever take it back

it feels like i can never really make up for this, and i don't feel like i get to acknowledge the things that happened to me, or let them matter, when i have been so toxic to my brother. i want for him to find a way to get better and be happy and move on from the things that happened in our shitty family and get away from here, but with our lack of financial independence and independence in general, i don't know if it can ever happen

i don't really know what im looking for here. truthfully im scared of even putting this here. i don't know what i probably look like confessing all these things - i'm confused and sometimes i think i might not be seeing anything right, that maybe im being too hard on myself, but then i think that maybe im just trying to justify and excuse myself again or making it about me where i shouldnt, and i don't know what to think

If you want to be here, or you think you’d benefit from being here, then you’re supposed to be here, nonnie. I’ll never ask the people who follow or interact with this blog to prove they were abused enough (or at all) to interact; the only thing I ask for is respect toward me and others.

I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with all of this—it sounds like a really complicated experience to try to process and understand on your own, and if you can, now or in the future, I do think it’d be a good idea to bring these things up with a therapist who can help you manage all these thoughts.

But for now, here’s what I can tell you: 

Firstly, exposing a kid to physical and verbal violence in the home environment on a regular basis is child abuse, even if the abuse is never directed at the kids themselves. And fights between parents that get violent can absolutely be domestic violence, although I can’t tell you for sure whether that was your parents’ case because I don’t know them or the way they experienced those fights. But regardless of whether one was abusing the other or they were just both destructive toward each other, a hostile home environment can cause children a lot of trauma. I myself used to think my abuse had only started in my teens because that’s when my parents divorced and my mother turned her abuse to me; but my therapist told me that having to see and hear them fight violently all through my childhood was very traumatic too, and now that I think back on it, I completely agree with her.  

Secondly, neglect of all kinds does classify as abuse too, and isn’t, contrary to popular belief, ‘abuse lite’ or necessarily less traumatic than other forms of abuse. 

What your parents did to you, leaving you to tend to your younger brother and do the parenting for them while they neglected all of you, was not okay. And I’m really sorry to hear that you’re struggling with shame and guilt for the way you raised your brother, because the truth of the matter is you weren’t meant to be doing the parenting. You weren’t mature enough, physically or emotionally, to be caring for someone else. You didn’t make a choice to take care of a kid: your parents did, and therefore it was their responsibility to raise him, not yours. And at that age, you yourself still needed someone to be parenting you while you grew up and screwed up. You were meant to be having a short temper, and selfish needs, and to think the world revolved around you, and you were meant to be discovering who you were as a person, and you were meant to mess up again and again because you were still growing up. You were still a kid. 

It’s good that you apologised to your brother nonetheless, because, obviously, he was also only a kid who didn’t have the tools to comprehend or rationalise the way he was being treated. But nonnie, neither did you. And here’s something I really want you to know: all those things you’re blaming yourself for, all those toxic traits in lists about abusive parents that you see in yourself, all the trauma you see in your brother today: that, all of that, is your parents’ fault and their fault only. They are the ones that failed you, your brother and your other siblings. They’re the ones that made it so that you had to do the best you could with a responsibility that no kid should ever have to deal with. They’re the ones who hurt your brother because they’re the ones who should’ve understood that a 10 to 12-year-old kid does not have the maturity, tools, ability or responsibility to be a parent figure. And they're the ones who should be held accountable.

This is why I really do encourage you to seek therapy if you can now or in the future. Because you do deserve to acknowledge what they put you through. You don’t deserve to be feeling all this guilt for things you didn’t cause and couldn’t fix, and you don’t deserve to feel guilty for having been a kid.

I really hope some of this helps to hear. I’m sending you a huge virtual hug and one last reminder that you don’t have to feel guilty. It wasn’t your fault. You were just a kid. And any pain you caused your brother is entirely on your parents. 

[elareine]

Deaged Jaybird anyone?

Well, judging from ao3 and tumblr, I think the answer to that question is ‘everyone and amazingly so,’ but I might as well throw my hat into the ring, thank you <3

I thought this was gonna be sweet and funny. It didn’t exactly turn out that way.

rewind, fast forward, stop Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply - Childhood Trauma, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, Temporary Character Death, Angst Relationships: Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake & Jason Todd, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd Characters: Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, Tim Drake, Damian Wayne, Duke Thomas, Cassandra Cain, Alfred Pennyworth Additional Tags: Age Regression/De-Aging, De-Aged Jason Todd, Family Issues, Family Feels, Loss of Trust, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt with Temporary Comfort, Jason Todd Needs A Hug, The Batfamily Needs Therapy, Bittersweet, Unreliable Narrator

“If he says the words unstable molecules one more time, I’m going to hit something,” Dick muttered.

“Jason’s been gone for two hours, and you’re already trying to replace him?” Tim asked. It was a weak joke, and Dick didn’t laugh.

Nygma and Crane were still arguing at metaphorical gunpoint (i.e., genuine sword end), bent over the makeshift crib.

“I didn’t expect this to happen, either! What’s the point of posing riddles if he’s a baby?”

“Well you still fucked up and now we’re here, basically hostages—”

Bruce held up a hand. Everyone fell silent.

“So. His age will change several times?”

“Yes.”

“You cannot predict the intervals.”

“No.”

“What does he remember?”

“I don’t know. We should ask him…”

“…when he reaches an age where he can speak, yes. Will this stop once he reaches the age he’s supposed to be?”

“I don’t—”

“Then we will find out. Nygma, you have 24 hours to fix this.” He turned and looked at Dick. “Call reinforcements and start the lab work.”

Dick nodded, but whatever he was going to ask wasn’t going to be heard because Jason chose that moment to start wailing.

Everyone froze. Despite all the arguing, the fact that they know had to care for a baby hadn’t seemed real until that moment.

Bruce, though, just lifted Jason up and to his chest with the same natural competence with which he handled explosives and batarangs. “There, there, Jaylad. You’re hungry, hmm? I bet Alfred has already prepared a bottle. Let’s go find him, shall we?”

——

Dick volunteered to stay home and watch the baby that evening. Except when he returned to the crib with a freshly prepared bottle, it was a toddler staring back at him.

“Hey there, little man,” Dick greeted him.

Silence.

Dick tried again. “Jason, are you in there?”

The kid stared back at him, clearly wondering what the strange man was talking about. His eyes were so blue. “Me.”

“Yes, you’re Jason,” Dick agreed. “Do you remember me?”

Jason’s brow furrowed as if he was concentrating really hard. “No?”

“That’s okay. I’m Dick. I’m—” your brother. But how did you explain that to a toddler who didn’t remember any siblings? “A friend.”

After a minute of stern evaluation, Jason’s expression melted into a smile, and he held up his short chubby arms. “Up?”

“Of course.” Dick bent down and scooped Jason up with one swift motion, bouncing him up and down for a few seconds, to Jason’s great delight and giggles. Then he settled him onto his hip. “How about some food, buddy?”

“Hungry!” Jason declared. It sounded like ‘angry.’ Dick wanted to record that and use it as Jason’s ringtone forever.

He couldn’t very well give him the baby formula now, so: “Let’s go to the kitchen, then, huh? I like midnight snacks, too.”

“Snack,” Jason repeated. He seemed to like that word. “Snack, snack, snack!”

“Yes, snack. Hey B,” he called softly through the non-emergency line as they walked through the corridor, “listen to who woke up.”

“Baba?” Jason asked. Dick had no idea whether he meant Bruce or was asking for his own father. Either way, it was devastating.

“Jaylad,” Bruce murmured back. Dick didn’t call him out on the use of real names. “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“No.”

Dick tried not to laugh at the sleepy pout. “To be fair, I don’t know how ‘slept like a baby for hours,’ literally, affects his sleep schedule.”

“How old is he?”

“About… two? Maybe?” Dick was not an expert in estimating the age of children, so sue him. “Maybe younger. He’s real small, and he doesn’t remember me.”

Silence. “N, we’re coming home.”

The bats had barely been out for an hour. “Sure. See you soon.”

——

It was Tim who discovered the next transformation. He’d taken over the early morning shift by virtue of not sleeping anyway. Jason’s room had been quiet; Tim had just wanted to make sure he was doing okay when he was greeted with a much larger shape in the bed than he’d expected.

Which, fuck, that couldn’t be good, right? Last time Jason had only skipped a couple of years, but now he was at least six.

The figure was also too still to be asleep. Tim switched on the nightlight they’d installed by the door and looked at Jason. Yeah, his eyes were definitely open. It was eerie, the way he held himself still as if he was trying to disappear into the darkness. Don’t notice me, his position screamed. I’m not here, go away.

It was so familiar. Tim couldn’t breathe for a second for the way it was a perfect reversal of the way he himself had spent his childhood. Notice me, look at me, don’t leave.

“Hey,” Tim called out softly, unconsciously imitating Dick’s voice. “Can’t sleep?”

“Who are you.” His voice was clear and hard, a far cry from the sweet toddler who had played with Tim’s cape when they’d come home from patrol at midnight.

That had been four hours ago. It was going to be a long day, wasn’t it?

“I’m Tim,” he said. “You don’t remember me right now because you’re… sick, but we know each other.”

The distrust did not wane. “Where am I?”

“At my father’s house. Wayne Manor.” Tim smiled. “Maybe you’ve heard of it?”

“Who else is here?”

“Your family.”

That did not have the expected effect, at all. Jason shrank back, hands gripping the blanket tight even as his expression remained blank.

Tim’s hand moved to his bracelet and pressed a button. He’d promised Bruce to wake him up if there was a development. Besides, he was in over his head here, and he knew it.

“I’m going to call them, okay?” There was no answer.

It took less than two minutes for the doorway to be filled with people. Bruce was first, of course, closely followed by Dick, with Damian, Duke, and Cass lingering just behind them in the hallway.

“You’re going to crowd him,” Tim pointed out. “We’re all strangers.”

“Tim is right.” Bruce stepped forward. “Stay back.”

They watched as he crouched down in front of the bed. “Hi, Jason. You don’t remember me, and I know that’s scary.”

“I’m not scared.”

Tim couldn’t see his face, but he would bet good money that Bruce smiled at that. “No, you aren’t because you’re brave, aren’t you.”

“Hmm. Where’s mom?” Jason asked.

“She’s not here. I’m sorry. You’re staying with our family and me for now.”

“Where’s dad?”

“He’s not here, either, but—”

Jason’s shoulders deflated.

Oh. Oh.

Tim could feel the tension rack up in the room as every single family member was simultaneously filled with rage.

Bruce, however, looked calm. “As long as we are here,” he said, quietly but with the kind of conviction that could move mountains, “no one is going to hurt you. Your mother is fine, and so are you.”

And Jason looked up and believed him. Tim could see it in the way he relaxed, how he slumped down against Bruce’s bulk as if it was the only thing holding him up. He didn’t say anything.

Tim felt a gentle tug on his elbow. He followed the others outside, quietly, leaving Bruce to keep vigil. It was touching, but something about the scene bothered Tim.

“Do you think,” he quietly asked Dick as the group dispersed, “that we should call someone else? His friends? You have Roy’s number.”

“It will help, being here, when he reaches Robin age. They’re strangers until he’s an adult.”

That wasn’t the point. Tim frowned. “I know you think he should be with family when he’s like this. But Dick—we haven’t been his family for a long time. We shouldn’t see this stuff.”

Dick swallowed, but he didn’t argue with that. “B already knows.”

“Not all of it. Not what will happen when—”

“Yeah.” Dick’s shoulders slumped. “But do you think you can convince B of that?”

“No.” Tim sighed. “No, I don’t.”

——

“Master Jason, what are you doing in the kitchen?”

It was eight a.m., and even Master Tim was asleep by now. Alfred had kept an ear out for the sound of a preschooler waking up, but Master Jason must’ve aged again. He looked to be about nine now.

The kid frowned. “I don’t know who you are, but I need to make breakfast, or mom won’t eat.”

Alfred took a moment to fix his apron, blinking discreetly. “Of course, Master Jason. Your mother, however, isn’t here at the moment. Would you like to help me prepare some pancakes?”

——

There was a sound like something heavy falling, then a curse. “Where the fuck am I?”

Dick and Tim exchanged a glance. They’d installed Jason in front of the tv, at first, but he’d been more interested in the few children’s books Bruce kept around for guests.

Tim had tagged along—at this point, he had somehow wound up one of Jason’s primary caretakers, and wasn’t that a sentence he hadn’t expected himself to ever think? Looked like the time for children’s books had run out.

When they walked over to the armchair Jason had buried himself in, they found a pile of limbs in front of it, scrambling to get up and look at them. The family had taken to dressing Jason in the largest clothes they could get him in without them falling off, just to spare his modesty at the next change. Not that Jason had really grown much over the last few episodes…

At least he was dressed as he woke up in an unfamiliar living room because he couldn’t remember the previous episode or his adult life, Tim thought. Honestly, this curse/science mishap/whatever seemed hellbent on making their lives as miserable as possible.

Dick advanced cautiously. “Jason—”

“And you would be?” the boy asked, his voice suddenly much lighter.

“My name’s Dick Grayson, and you’re safe here.”

“Hmm, am I?” There was something wrong with the way Jason looked at Dick. His weight was shifted to the side, pushing his hip to the front, his long lashes almost fluttering, and there was something challenging in his gaze as if he was daring Dick—as if he was—

The idea was so incongruous—so impossible—that it took Tim too long to connect the dots. It was the exact pose he saw the working girls and boys adopt, night after night when they approached a car.

The thing with Tim was: He could be thrown off a building, and his brain would still keep on working all the way down. (No, seriously, that happened several times.) It was just how it was. So he could be shocked at what was happening, at what he’d just learned about Jason, and still notice that Dick wasn’t.

Perhaps he was making a mountain of a molehill, then. Perhaps Jason had just seen too much on the streets and was trying to play along, to give Dick what Jason thought he wanted, and then he’d punch him when he got too close and get out of here.

Perhaps.

“Let’s just—wait it out, okay?” Dick sighed. “You got temporary amnesia. It’ll all be clear tomorrow.”

“Sure.” Jason looked like he didn’t believe him, but was willing to run with it. “You got some food?”

——

“Oh, hey Dick! You look different!”

Dick thought he was about to cry with relief. Finally, a Jason that knew them, that wouldn’t have to be reassured about their intentions every few hours. “Hey, Jason.”

“Is it for a case?”

“Something like that,” he said. “You’re in the future, sort of. We have to wait a few hours before you can go back.”

Jason’s eyes went wide. “Really? That’s so cool! Can I talk to myself? Where am I? What year is it? What am I doing?”

“We can’t tell you that,” Tim said suddenly. “You know. Time travel code. Gotta follow the rules.”

“Ah.” Jason nodded as if that made any sense. “But you can tell me about other things, right? What about the cave? Can I see how it changed?”

“No, not the cave—” not while that damn memorial was still there, “—but Alfred has a collection of photos in one room if you want to see.”

That would be fine. Jason wasn’t in any of those, anyway.

“Whoa,” Jason commented when he saw how many pictures there were. “This family sure has grown. Wait, who is that?”

“That’s me,” Tim said.

Jason frowned. “That’s a Robin outfit. Are you Robin after me?”

And Dick—he could see how Tim tensed up. Understandably so, they had all heard what Jason called him. “Yeah, I—I didn’t mean to repl—you were—”

“It’s okay,” Jason shrugged. “Robin is more than one person, right? Dickie here said that. You don’t stop being Robin. You just share it.”

Tim blinked once. Then again.

Dick watched in some concern, because—surely that’s what he said to him back when he gave Robin to Damian, too? Right? It was all such a blur, but he must have.

Jason was already moving on to the next picture. “Wow, are these your wings?!”

“Yeah.”

“Did you make them? That’s so cool, I wanna fly too!”

Dick watched in amusement as a blush spread across Tim’s face. “I could show you the plans?”

“That would be fun! It could be a project.” Then he whirled around. “Do you go to school?”

“Uh, not really.”

Jason frowned. “You should. Grades are important. You can’t go superheroing forever if you don’t have money.”

“That’s true.” Tim looked suitably chastised. Dick bit down on a laugh as he watched Jason walk along Alfred’s little gallery, commenting on everything he saw and pulling Tim along.

God, thinking about the kid they saw yesterday, this Jason was a miracle. Dick knew what it meant to pull yourself up after darkness crashed down on you, how to find a way to smile after you lost everything.

And he knew, too, what a single person who cared for you—who believed in you could do.

(Maybe Dick should’ve remembered that when Jason became a miracle for the second time.)

Bruce had been that for both of them. Even now, Dick could see him at the doorway, watching Jason with such pride and unbearable longing on his face. Then a shadow fell over his expression, and he turned away.

“Dick!” Jason called over. “Tim has never heard the train story! C’mon, you’re the best at telling it.”

“He hasn’t heard it because it’s embarrassing,” Dick whined, but he walked over and joined them. Might as well make the most of this, right?”

——

“I’m sorry, Bruce,” Zatanna said. “There’s nothing I can do.”

She was magic, Cass knew, and Bruce didn’t like magic. So if he was asking her for help… Duke, next to her, looked worried, as well.

They weren’t letting the two of them see Jason, and that was okay. Neither of them had ever been close to Jason. Not that Dick or Tim had been, exactly, but they cared in a way Cass and Duke admittedly didn’t.

“Is there anything that could slow down his aging process, at least?”

“Nothing but putting him into stasis, and he would not thank you for that, Bruce.”

Duke dared to ask: “But Nygma said the effect of the gas should stop once he’s reached his proper age, right? So that should be… alright?”

“And what,” Bruce ground out, “if the next time he phases forward, he’s dead?”

“Bruce.” Zatanna put a hand on his shoulder, empathy in every line of her body.

Bruce shook her off as if he couldn’t bear the touch. “We don’t know if he’ll wake up this time.”

For a second, Cass wanted to hurt everyone who made Bruce sound like that. But she knew there was nothing she could do. Love, she knew, cut like that sometimes.

——

Damian was well aware that they would prefer to keep him far away from Todd. To a certain extent, he understood. He would not wish more people than necessary to watch him relive his own childhood, either.

However, no one in this family was prepared for what was coming next. Damian knew.

The minute the screaming began, Damian walked into the room.

Jason was convulsing on the bed. Dick was frantically checking him for injuries, and Damian clicked his tongue. “That won’t help. He is not bleeding.”

Bruce turned to him. “Damian, what—”

“He’s in pain. His body is half-alive, half-dead,” Damian told them calmly. His voice wasn’t shaking. It wasn’t. “It won’t stop until he swims in a Lazarus Pit.”

His father should not look like this. Helpless. Pitiful. Damian resented him for it, just a little bit. Father had not been there the first time. This would only last for hours, and all he had to do was wait. The crushing weight of how to fix this was not on him as it had been on Mother.

“I’m going to get a tranquilizer,” Dick murmured.

——

Duke wondered what they would do if Jason woke up in full rage mode. He had seen the files, had read everything he could the minute this started happening. Cass had told him the rest, pieced together from hints her brothers had dropped over the years. There was no way they could deal with that if they were unprepared and Jason was in their home. No way.

So he was… nervous. Just a bit. Enough so that he was camping out in front of the bedroom that they were keeping Jason for now. Sure, Jason had been medicated, but Duke had seen Bruce trying that on Red Hood before. Red Hood had barely slowed down. Whatever the Lazarus Pits were, exactly, they sure did a number on a person’s metabolism.

Duke got his answer when Bruce sent everyone out of the room. Batman would wait alone, then. Dick and Tim obeyed, albeit reluctantly.

Tim, however, returned a minute later with Bruce’s utility belt, shock full of batarangs and other weapons. The older man, however, hesitated to take it.

“Bruce,” Tim said, and he very gently touched a scar on his neck.

Bruce took the belt.

——

The next morning, Jason left.

Minutes before, Bruce watched him as he woke up.

He had known as soon as he had seen Jason as a toddler that his son would not forgive him for this. The others, maybe. They had only tried to help. Bruce was the one too selfish to let Jason keep his secrets, bring him to people he trusted.

Because that sure as hell wasn’t him anymore. Deservedly so or not, Bruce had had to face that reality a long time ago.

Still, when Jason opened his eyes and there was only a tinge of green in them, nothing like the rage of the pit, just like they had been the last time Bruce had seen him without the mask—for that one moment, Bruce allowed himself to hope.

Maybe, just maybe, Jason wouldn’t remember. Then he could use the whole thing as a learning experience—see it as bonding, even—something that would allow them to finally move on; that would help Bruce to find the right trigger to get Jason to give up his mad crusade and come home.

Then Jason blinked, and his eyes were empty even of hate.

“My phone?” was all he asked.

“In the cave.” Bruce kept his voice even because what else could he do?

Jason nodded. Then he left, and he did not come back.

[bnhababyyyy]

Bro’s before that kinda bro

Todoroki x reader

Part: 1/?

Summary: You have a crush on your friend but he just doesn’t get your feelings. It’s up to you to figure out how to woo him.

You loved Todoroki.

And he loved you just as much……

As a friend possibly could.

He obliviously missed all the signs you had been giving him, poor boy couldn’t even tell when you were flirting with him. Any other sane person would be able to tell what you had been doing all this time. Every attempt, shot down innocently because he truly didn’t know what you were hinting at.

You thought one of these days you were going to break and just straight up confess to him because of how unnoticed your efforts went. It took every piece of your being to not outright confess your feelings for him and make out with him on the spot.

It was especially bad when one night your cravings for some sweet snacks got the best of you making you reluctantly go to the kitchen. You were surprised to see Todoroki sitting on the couch scrolling through his phone with a cup of tea on the table. He didn’t seem to notice you coming down the stairs, making you decide to scare him a little.

You covered your mouth to hold back any giggles as you tip toed over to his unguarded position. You stood behind him for a beat of a moment before abruptly grabbing both of his shoulders. He whipped around and grabbed one of your arms before you could even pull back.

He looked up and dropped his shoulders just an inch with a small glare being shot your way. “I didn’t know I should be on my guard at night too,” he yawned.

You ran your hand through your hair as you let out an awkward laugh “Well, think about it, I’m preparing you for any sneak attacks!”

He went back to his phone rolling his eyes.

You began walking to the kitchen before you got the chance to forget those snacks. “But hey what are you doing up this late? It’s like almost 12.” you asked as you raided the pantry for a cookie or anything of the sort.

He turned his head over to where you were, “I… couldn’t sleep,” he said in a lower tone shifting uncomfortably, “What about you?”

You had known Todoroki long enough to know that two things were weird about what he said, first his tone was off and second he never stays up this late. You peeked your head over the pantry door with a cookie in your mouth, “What do you mean you couldn’t sleep? Did something happen?” You asked ignoring his question.

He averted your gaze to his lap, “No it’s nothing, don't worry about it.”

You gave him a concerned look before sighing and squeezing yourself between him and the couch’s armrest.“Scoot! Something’s obviously bothering you and I wanna help you out.” You said wiggling a bit on your side .

He shuffled over giving you a small smile that literally took your breath away. You tried your best to calm your now heightened heart beat. You cleared your throat, “Take as long as you need though. I’ll listen ok?”

He nodded looking back down at his hands in his lap, “I had an odd dream. Something that freaked me out.” You cocked your head silently asking him to continue.

He glanced at you before looking away again, “It was about Endeavor. More like a memory I guess… He was arguing with my mom and she said that I,” he took in a breath, “that I was going to be just like him. That I am like him and how she didn’t want to look at me because of how I just keep growing more and more similar to him.”

You sat there shocked at what he said, before you could comfort him and give your apologies he continued.

“And then I looked in the mirror and I looked exactly like him, or I was him. The reflection in the mirror mocked me saying I couldn’t escape him and I’d be wanting to be better but would end up hurting others and destroying everyone else’s relationships with myself just like he did. That I’d end up being hated, never achieving my dreams that I’d die alone and he would always be there to haunt me. I woke up after that and I just…”

You nodded understandingly feeling extremely shocked at how his PTSD from childhood had manifested into such a scary nightmare as a teenager. You felt incredibly heartbroken at what kind of dream he had. His father damaged him so badly as a kid Todoroki was still dealing with the trauma.

He looked so broken in front of you. You wanted to reassure him that he had just had a bad dream. That he resembled nothing of his father.

But the words just didn’t form and you sat there not knowing what to say. It was completely silent. You both dwelled in the freshly expressed emotions quietly. Neither of you moved, you both continued to look at the ground. You glanced up at Todoroki, opened your mouth to speak, and decided not to. Instead you hesitantly put our hand on top of his. He jerked his hand a little and moved his head to look at you.

“Todoroki, thank you for telling me what happened,” you looked up at him, rubbing small circles on his hand. “I know it was hard for you to do that. You’re nothing like your father though I… I never saw him in you. You’ve proven to be so much better than him. If no one else is proud of you for that then I am. I’m proud of how much you are yourself and you strive to be better.” You gave a heartfelt smile at his shocked expression.

He looked away and you swore that if you squinted he had a slight slight slight slight blush and a HINT!!!! Of a smile. You died on spot he was just so lovely.

“Thank you.” He mumbled giving your hand a tight squeeze. Wow did he know what he was doing to you? You internally wheezed and felt your heart beat so loud you couldn’t tell if Todoroki was talking still.

‘I wish we were more than friends. Why are you doing this to me.’ You thought to yourself. Well at least you thought you thought that thought to yourself. He looked up at you confused.

“What do you mean (y/l/n)?” He asked with furrowed brows.

Your eyes widened and your mouth dropped to the floor. No way did you just say that out loud. The absolute love of your life, your amor, your crush, just heard you confess that you basically like him. You felt your face heat up and you retracted your hand from his as you suddenly felt abnormally sweaty.

You silently freaked out too shocked to even move. “Uhm I-I didn’t mean to say that out loud I’m so sorry I don’t know what I’m talking about!” You rambled.

He cocked his head to the side. “Did you want to be best friends? I don’t know why you’d be sorry about that. We can be best friends if you want that.”

You sat there even more shocked. He. was. so. dense. You sighed rubbing your temple. You didn’t know whether you should feel disappointed or saved. You shook your head taking it in as a good thing he was so dense.

“Uhm yeah. I’d like that a lot actually,” You smiled.

He nodded his head returning the smile. “Good. I’d like that too.”

“Well I’m glad we got that out the way!” You got up brushing yourself of any crumbs. “Uhm talk to me if anything else starts to bother you again alright?” He nodded back. You stood there staring at him.

“Did you need me to walk you back?”

“Oh No! No it’s fine really! I can go back myself! Uhm alright good night see you in class!”

“Goodnight to you too.”

You hurried back to the girls dorms and into your room before you could blurt out any more confessions. You laid in bed completely shocked about everything. He was so oblivious to your feelings. But you didn’t want to ruin your friendship. I mean yeah being best friends is great. For people who want to STAY FRIENDS. Not for people like you who have been crawling out the friend zone hole forever.

You tossed and turned in bed. Sighing you decided to text your bakusquad chat about what had just happened.

Your hand wavered over the call button for him. You didn’t want to bother him, but at the same time what Mina said is true. If he truly didn’t want to answer he wouldn’t. So no harm in trying right?

You gathered all the courage you possibly could and pressed on his contact. You waited as you heard the facetime ringtone go on over and over. Until it stopped and his face popped up on the screen. You audibly gasped in surprise to see that he even picked up the phone.

“Hey. I didn’t know you’d answer.” You said, still thoroughly surprised.

He smiled that smile that makes your heart topple over itself. “No I wouldn’t ignore your calls. What’s wrong?”

You we’re so mesmerized by the angle of his face that the camera showed off. He held it in his hand at a bit of a low angle really detailing his jaw line. He was probably sitting at a desk or something because he kept putting his phone down into his lap to do something.

“No no nothings wrong, I'm good!”

“Then why’d you call?”

“Oh right! I needed help with the test tomorrow. Did you know what would be on it?”

He finally shifted the phone onto his desk so that it was sitting up on something. You could fully see his face and torso. His room was dimly lit and he had a book and papers on his desk. So he was studying too.

“Yes I’m working on it now, did you want me to send you the answers?” He asked while flipping through what seemed like a math book.

You nodded, “Please! I didn’t know we had a test until 2 minutes ago! I’m looking at the study guide now but I cannot think of the answers.” You knew you’d be pulling an all nighter, so him sending you answers would help a ton. You decided that you’d have to pay him back somehow tomorrow.

After he sent the answers you two occasionally talked here and there but often sat in silence. It felt nice not needing to talk to him to fill the silence. Another thing that made you fall for him even more, you felt way more comfortable being around him than a normal friend would feel. You tiredly moved your eyes towards the clock to see the number 3:25 AM across the alarm.

“Oh god it’s 3 already. Are you pulling a-“ you yawned. “An all nighter too Todo?” You asked, stretching your arms out.

.

..

…

……………...

No response

You quirked your brow and switched your screen from the photos he sent to the facetime call. You internally squealed at the sight in front of you. He was passed out on his desk, his face laid sideways with his arm under it as a headrest. You couldn’t really see his face but you thought he still looked cute.

“Goodnight,” You whispered as you ended the call. You then rolled up your sleeves taking a shot from an energy drink Mina had given to you in case of ‘Dire emergencies’. You decided to seriously get to work and finish your studying for at least a passing grade.

….........................

You passed out 15 minutes later.

Master list — Next

[fasterthanmydemons]

Dahlia - How does your muse handle themselves at formal events?

Delphinium - What are your muse’s go-to activities in their downtime?

Edelweiss - Is there anything that your muse will refuse to give up on virtually no matter what?

Forget-me-not - Who is someone in your muse’s life that they will never forget and why?

Geranium - How would your muse fare in upper class or “proper” society?

Gorse - How does your muse feel about each season?

Hollyhock - What are your muse’s limits, if any, when it comes to chasing after their ambitions?

Honeysuckle - What does your muse think about marriage?

Hyacinth - What would a symbolic rebirth look like for your muse?

Ivy - Does your muse find themselves overly dependent on something, regardless of whether they actually are or not?

Dahlia - How does your muse handle themselves at formal events?

Oh dear... Pietro... feels an unfortunate need to push against authority, whether good or bad. It could be abusive authority like Hydra or well-meaning authority like Steve’s, he’s still gonna push against it. So... at a formal event, he’d feel the need to... hmm, how to put this... see how informal he can get before someone says something to him? XD He’ll tell jokes, get loud, try to stir things up... all because formal events are supposed to be elegant and sophisticated and proper and Pietro can’t stand it. He’s gotta break out of the mold, heh. Even with what he wears... You’re never getting him to wear a tie and good luck even getting him in a suit at all. Maybe if you make a deal with him and offer him something he wants in return, he might do it. XD

Delphinium - What are your muse’s go-to activities in their downtime?

Listening to music, drumming, running for fun, hiking, weight-training (he actually finds this fun, so it isn’t work to him), and of course spending time with his beloved sister. Or his significant other in verses where he has one. And eating, haha, but he has to eat a lot to maintain his powerhouse body’s needs, so maybe that’s not downtime. I would say he likes games too. You could easily get him to play board games or even rpg-style card games if you can get him to pay attention long enough to learn the rules.

Edelweiss - Is there anything that your muse will refuse to give up on virtually no matter what?

Protecting Wanda and anyone else he loves. He won’t ever give up, no matter how dire the situation is, even if all hope is lost, until his dying breath, he’ll keep trying. That and standing up for the “little guy,” the poor, the less fortunate, the sick, and the elderly.

Forget-me-not - Who is someone in your muse’s life that they will never forget and why?

His paternal grandfather (or at least the man he thought was his paternal grandfather... he was Django’s father, but Django isn’t Pietro’s biological father... but oops he never knew, so... yeah XD). He was a Holocaust survivor, a very wise man, and a very kind man. Despite all that he’d been through and all that he’d seen, he managed to keep his humanity and his empathy. He spent a lot of time with Pietro until he passed away of old age when the twins were four. Even though he was very little, Pietro remembers the stories he’d tell about the types of men who perpetrated the Holocaust, and then the good men who fought against it and to end it. The twins were never kept from such truths, even despite their graphic nature, because it was an important part of their heritage. Pietro really absorbed a lot of what his grandfather told him, and modeled the man he wanted to be when he grew up on those “good men” his grandfather spoke about.

Geranium - How would your muse fare in upper class or “proper” society?

See above, the “formal events” question, heh. Pretty much all of that but then you include stuffy, rich, entitled people? Oh boy. Pietro doesn’t have a very positive view of the rich for a number of reasons, so not only would he feel a need to kindof... jar their comfort world with his boisterous and often uncouth self, but he would also want to make very clear that he was not intimidated by them, nor did he think they were better than him. He’d want to disabuse them of the notion that he’s some vagabond that doesn’t matter. Fitting in would not be a goal of his. XD

Gorse - How does your muse feel about each season?

Pietro likes warmth, so Spring and Summer are great, Fall and Winter suck. Spring and Summer are great because everything is green and pleasant and warm and it’s great weather to go out running in. In Fall, the falling leaves are problematic. If it rains and they stick to the ground, he can’t stop on them. He skids right off the street, haha. Winter is even worse. The cold causes him to need even more food to keep up with the calories it takes for his body to properly keep its muscles warm. And ice is the bane of his existence. He’s skidded on his ass more times than he can count. XD

Hollyhock - What are your muse’s limits, if any, when it comes to chasing after their ambitions?

He won’t step on other people to get there. He won’t hurt others, either physically or just morally speaking. And I would say he also wouldn’t take things or accept offers that are tainted. He wouldn’t accept ill-gotten money, a shady job, or anything that seems to come for free... because nothing is free. That’s part of why he finds it so hard to fit in with the Avengers at first, because he’s just handed this nice job, all expenses paid, access to great medical care (even if he’s scared of it, heh), and food anytime he wants it, and he just wonder what the catch is. So he’s very conscious of what he’s being given or what he’s earning, who’s offering it, and where it’s coming from as far as sources and people. He prefers to get things on his own merits or through his own actions, and he doesn’t want to beholden to anyone who might cause him or Wanda harm. And really, as long as he and Wanda are taken care of, that’s all he wants. “Climbing the ladder” isn’t really what he’s after, just providing for himself and those he cares about.

Honeysuckle - What does your muse think about marriage?

Marriage is a serious deal for Pietro, but it’s kindof the ultimate goal for a serious, long-term relationship for him. He hopes to marry someday, and would prefer to marry before having kids if possible, more because he wants to make sure that there is enough in place legally and monetarily between him and the mother to properly provide for children. Pietro grew up super poor, and he saw how it affected everyone. From his and Wanda’s point of view, it was scary sometimes going without food or not knowing when the next meal would come. But then he also saw his parents stressing out over being able to provide for them. So he came out of that not wanting to jump into having kids without preparing properly beforehand. Marriage is one of the steps involved with that preparation in his mind.

Hyacinth - What would a symbolic rebirth look like for your muse?

I mean... to me, Pietro becoming an Avenger is a kindof symbolic rebirth for him. It’s him moving away from the grudges and false information he’d held onto from childhood and accepting that he might have been wrong, or that things weren’t as black and white as he thought. It’s also a move from being at the bottom with regard to the poor and oppressed of society, to suddenly being privileged and using that privilege to help people like how he used to be. And since my Pietro turn 18 two weeks after Ultron, it’s also a move from childhood to adulthood. So on many levels, becoming an Avenger is a new start and a type of rebirth for him.

Ivy - Does your muse find themselves overly dependent on something, regardless of whether they actually are or not?

I answered this already and said Wanda, or Wanda’s reassurance/approval/etc. So I’ll pick something else he’s dependent on for this one. Being dependent on Wanda is something that is mostly in his head. It’s partly a choice and partly born of trauma. But Pietro is also dependent on food, and that dependence is very real. He really can’t go very long without food before experiencing adverse physical and mental side effects. It scares him a little bit when those side effects start to kick in, and so he’s somewhat always obsessed with eating. Always needing food, being raised poor when food wasn’t always available, and being experimented on when food was used as a weapon for behavior modification is a frightening combination for him. It makes him scared to not have food, and when it isn’t there, he’s afraid it’ll be too long before he can get it again. This results in some amount of overeating on his part, but his metabolism generally takes care of it pretty well.

[angerissue]

Character Survey.

Real name: Dr. Robert Bruce Banner, Ph.D..

Single or taken: Single, and this probably isn't going to change anytime soon. He has a number of ingrained emotional issues, and ideological issues that pertain to his condition, that prevent him from seeking romantic relationships and even just becoming close to someone. One-night stands are possible, because they don’t involve emotional commitment from either party, but real relationships scare the hell out of him. The closer that someone gets to Bruce, the more he fears hurting them or being hurt himself.

Abilities or powers: He has an extremely high IQ, almost unprecedented intuition when it comes to the sciences and its numerous technologies, and a great ability to think outside the box and solve complicated, confounding problems. Also, he can turn big and green, which makes him capable of inhuman physical feats and gives him a ridiculous healing factor. This cannot be understated; he can literally recover from decapitation if the conditions are right. It's debatable whether these qualify as gifts or curses, because of the experiences they've created for Bruce in the past, but they're definitely abilities at the least.

Eye colour: Brown. Sometimes green if he’s in a mood.

Hair colour: Dark brown with some grey.

Family members: Rebecca Banner (mother / deceased), Brian Banner (father / incarcerated), Jennifer Walters (cousin / alive), Susan Drake (adoptive aunt / unknown), Elaine Banner (aunt / deceased).

Pets: In The Persistence, he owns a white knockout mouse named Eddie, who came from a selection of ailing lab mice that he experimented on with the Hulk's plasma. He doesn’t have pets in other verses, though he wouldn’t mind a cat, or a dog with a calm and mellow demeanour, as long as his living situation and overall routine is constant and undisturbed. Otherwise, it will never be a possibility. Back when General Ross' squad broke down his door in Brazil, he needed to abandon a mutt named Rick, and it hurt because he’d become very fond of him. He doesn't want to do this to another animal.

Hobbies or activities: He loves hiking and jogging (with trails in forested areas being his preferred location), cooking and baking, gardening, reading textbooks and science journalism, bait fishing, programming and experimenting, travelling, sightseeing, meditation, yoga, collecting and listening to vinyl records, and being a rebel by listening to police scanners and going after bad guys if he doesn't have much else to do. But even if it seems like he's not outwardly doing anything, he's probably still occupied — he tends to spend a profuse amount of time in his own head, ruminating and reflecting on future goals, whether it involves anticipating or dreading them. He also likes to contemplate new concepts and designs for technologies.

Animal that represents them: Definitely a pangolin, because you can’t look at a pangolin and the way it carries itself and not think of Banner from a purely visual perspective. Add on the fact that their bodies are covered in hardened scales for defense, and how they curl up into a ball whenever they're upset and threatened, and you have a metaphorical version of Bruce, who tends to shy away and retreat into himself whenever he's having a lower moment, and has a lot of deep-seated defensive mechanisms on display during social interactions. But seriously, these animals just want to walk around eating ants, minding their own business. They don’t have a bone to pick with anyone... Which is also similar to Bruce. And did I mention that pangolins are endangered, because they're frequently hunted and trapped by humans for their supposed “beneficial properties” in medicine (none of which are proven)? That's similar to how Banner has been followed all over the place by the U.S. military, just because they perceived his condition to be useful somehow.

Worst habits: Take your pick. Distancing himself from other people even when he could use the company, self-flagellation, humouring his guilt complex even when he's not responsible for certain negative outcomes, repressing or suppressing his emotions when he needs to express them (or the opposite, staying as the Hulk so he can stew in those strong emotions and therefore punish himself for whatever he “did wrong”), running away from connections that involve real commitment, especially romantic ones.

Role models: Steve Rogers for his patriotism and overall sense of morality, Neils Bohr for his defense of the Bohr atomic model (which had been a radical theory for the time) and subsequent successes, Ernest Rutherford for similar reasons, and his mother when he was younger, though he doesn’t remember much about her because he was only six when she died. Same goes for his aunt, Susan; while he spent more time around her than Rebecca in total, he was rather emotionally absent by this point because of all the trauma earlier in his childhood. In general, his role models tend to be people who remain strong in the face of adversity and judgement, and stick to their values for the benefit of others. All the above people qualify in that sense, for different reasons.

Sexual orientation: Heterosexual.

Thoughts on marriage and kids: Nope, and bigger nope. He would love to have a close connection with someone, however much he's actually repressed the desire for the time being, and some part of him does want to have a child — however, he always concludes that it wouldn't be worth it. Bruce believes marriage would be a shackle for anyone who's unfortunate enough to become his partner, and it would open them up to potential threats from people who could use them to get to him and his condition. And children are a no-go because Bruce doesn’t want them to have a father like him; he might be absent for a lot of their upbringing, and either unstable or otherwise unaccommodating in temperament if he’s upset. And he'll constantly be trying to hide his condition from them as well, because god forbid they find out their father is a monster, and they feel like a freak because of it. He's been in a position where he felt like an anomaly as a child, and he's not interested in subjecting his children to this. He also loathes the idea of bringing children into the world because he would not be able to ensure their safety — after all, he can’t even ensure his own. So to Bruce, he'd be setting them up for endangerment just because they’re related to him, similar to how his partner would become a target as well.

Style preferences: Safe and conservative, and not flamboyant by any means. He usually sticks to warmer and neutral palettes, and cuts/styles that are classic and unlikely to fall out of style; this includes his suits, jackets, pants, and shirts. We're talking chinos and slacks, poplin dress shirts, wool sport coats and blazers. Most occasions will see him wearing the dress shirt, slacks, and sport coat together. If he's feeling more adventurous, he'll pair a sport coat with a crewneck, or he could even go with a polo shirt and jeans, but the latter is rare. In general, Bruce's most interesting piece is a brown leather bomber jacket, which he usually wears in the warmer months; colder weather will bring out a peacoat (and he loves to pop the collar in lieu of using a scarf). As far as cost goes, Bruce is fairly well-off between the royalties from S.H.I.E.L.D. and other work he's done here and there, but even so, he doesn't purchase outrageously expensive clothing and tends to go for the mid-upper brands. He'll do made-to-measure, but not full bespoke. He finds any further spending to be superfluous.

Approach to friendships: Cautious and uncertain about them, and tends not to approach people first, because he would hate to overstep his boundaries / make someone uncomfortable. Rather accommodating to people he considers friends, but he's extremely quick to duck out if they can’t meet him eye-to-eye regarding touchy topics, like decisions that affect the well-being of many people. This is the reason he shunned his friendship with Tony after they debated about the Sokovia Accords. Being an introvert, he’s one of those people who doesn't like bothering his friends; even if they make it abundantly clear that he's welcome anytime, he'll hesitate, but he’s completely okay and even happy if those friends approach him instead. He doesn't always like when his personal space is invaded, or if someone touches him, but he'll start to make exceptions if he becomes more familiar with someone. He loves the people that he can consider friends, but he always views the friendships as something that could dissolve in a heartbeat. On some level, even unconscious, he's always expecting things to end.

Thoughts on pie: An acceptable desert. Bumbleberry, strawberry rhubarb, and pumpkin are his favourites. He prefers the homemade variety, and because of it, he tends to make his own, butter crust and all, avoiding store-bought unless it’s particularly memorable — or if someone buys a slice for him. He’s appreciative like that.

Favourite place to spend time: Somewhere he can guarantee that he's not being watched; these are most commonly his labs in the Northwind Observatory, quiet and secluded trails, or his chambers in the Crown City citadel on Sakaar. Not only do these locations ease his anxieties about being studied, inspected, or followed, but he feels less of a pressure to put on false pretenses and exhaust himself with social niceties, many of which may be fabricated. He doesn’t need much external stimulation, because he’s fine simply turning inward and thinking, without paying much attention to his surroundings, but he’ll certainly admit to spending a ton of time tinkering with pet projects if he’s in the labs. Obviously, Bruce prefers to be alone in most of these cases. But if he's with someone he cares about, whether a friend or a romantic partner, and can openly express himself around them, that's nice for him too.

Swim in the lake or ocean: Lakes, without question. He has some bad memories of being in the ocean, whether it’s about the time he was tossing and turning in glacial waters after his failed suicide attempt, or clawing his way out of a quinjet that crashed into the water while his alter started to take over. Bruce remembers all that, and it's not pleasant. The openness of oceans perturb him as well; lakes are usually far more intimate and amniotic because they’re often surrounded by forests, which allows him to feel safer and less exposed.

Their type: Someone who is, and is comfortable with showing, some semblance of dependence on him, which would placate his need to fill a provider role and not simply be a charity case; he's had enough of that between begging on the streets and asking Tony Stark for boarding. (This doesn't mean he's looking for someone who's a total pushover, cannot make their own decisions, or is emotionally needy, because those would make him run in the other direction, frankly.) Someone who can hold their own and stand up for their beliefs when necessary. Someone who can challenge him intellectually, though not necessarily in an academic sense; it really just depends on how much they can expand his own perspective by giving their own. Someone who really understands his needs and issues. And obviously, someone who isn't scared of his condition, because it's going to manifest a lot. It needs to; he doesn't really have a choice in the matter. Hulk is another story, but fortunately, he doesn't show up enough to really be an immediate concern, and Bruce and his partner can cross that bridge when they reach it. Physically, he's usually attracted to women who are slightly shorter than him; their hair can be anything from blonde to brown, and he prefers body types that are similar to his own; more on the slender side but not necessarily fragile.

Camping or indoors: He’d rather be indoors. He isn’t extremely fond of camping, if we’re using the most common definition of "pitching a tent, cooking with a fire made from sticks and tinder, and spending the night in the woods with the bears and the bugs". There are indeed occasions where he cannot stand to be indoors, whether because he’s feeling claustrophobic (a common symptom of abstaining a little too long from transformations), or he simply needs some time away from other people in the geographic sense, but in those cases, he’s more likely to go for a walk or hike, not set up an entire campsite and spend the rest of the night outdoors. For him, camping is meant for a survival-type situation rather than a recreational one. The closest thing to camping he'll do is living in a cabin with a wood stove and local water supply, which he’s done a few times over the years. He's even purchased a few cabins by the time his Persistence verse rolls around, so if one of the properties are compromised, he could always retreat to another one.

Tagged by: @mynameisanakin​! Tagging: @fallencomrade​ , @asgardianhammer​​ , @alongingwithin​ , and anyone else who wants to do this.