#wheres that post thats like girl some peoples depression is so bad they kill themselves

[pansyfemme]

everytime i hear someone call depression and anxiety ‘destigmatized mental illnesses’ i wonder how they react when they find out someone has spent weeks or months in bed or struggles to shower or eat

[haematicmagic]

Raw, powerful and cursed quotes

So as someone who recently migrated from a Pinterest lurker of 3 years, reading every tumblr screenshot i could find, i have gathered quite a selection of cursed or raw quotes from the most classic tumblr posts and whatever the hell Gaud is doing. Some of these aren’t tumblr, but classic literature or musical quotes or poems. As i didn’t write them down, i cant give sources for every single one, but i can give them on request if you’re interested. Feel free to add more.

• „I‘ll do what I want“

„Then perish“

OR

„then become the dirt I walk on“

• „violence for violence is the rule of beasts“

• „to become god is the loneliest achievement of them all“

• „There are places we have never seen before: Soem have never seen the Ocean, have never laid eyes on marrakesh. The other world is just a place we haven’t visisted before and we’re gonna explore it together“

• “Auge um Auge und die Welt wird blind”

(German, translated to mean: An eye for an eye and the world goes blind)

• „You kneel before my throne, unaware that it was made of lies“

• “You’re rearranging deck chairs on the titanic my friend”

• “Bold of you to assume I (will meet a mortal end, have ambitions)”

• „I beg to differ“

„Then beg"

• „One day, you will be face to face with your gods and you will have to justify the space you’ve filled

• „the skin of the earth is littered with the ruins of empires that thought themselves immortal“

• „my Ancestors are smiling down on me. Can you say the same?“

• „Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something.“

• „god should have made girls lethal when he made monsters of men“

• „Decay exsists as a distant form of life“

• „Can you feel your heart burning? Can you feel the struggle within? The fear within me is beyond anything that your soul can comprehend. You cannot cure me in any way that matters.“

• „Draw a monster. Why is it a Monster?“

• „A year ago you didn’t know today“

• „She is a mystic in the sense that she is still mystified by things“

• „these hands have built bridges, they will not build walls“

• „the anger in your heart warms you now but will leave you cold in your grave“

• „The Man who sleeps with a machete is a fool every night but one“

• „Thats a funny trick to play on a god“

• „We can do any sins we want. There are no gods here to observe them“

• „we deserve a soft epilogue“

• „Starved dogs eat their masters.“

• „I am a monument to all your sins.“

• „Face your mortality, choose your requiem.“

• „I do not love the sword for its sharpness or the arrow for its swiftness nor the warrior for his glory. I can only love that which they defend“

• „Kill me and live with the memory. Then tell the stars you have won“

• „Do you think God, too, stays in heaven in fear of what he has created?“

• „Good men need no rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many“

• „Nothing is set in stone, but everything is set in a dirt road. If you roll your waggon along that path too much, it‘ll soon be the only path you can take without struggling“

•„You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.“

„You seem a decent fellow. I hate to be killed by you.“

•„We are men of actions. Lies do not become us.“

•„The watch is ticking and I‘m no clockmaker“

•„Only when Lions have Historians will Hunters cease to be heroes“

•„If you consider a woman less pure after you touched her, you should take a look at your hands“

•„the fire can’t touch me, for I have have burned one too many times. And the sea can’t harm me, for I have been drowning all my life. But you, you could rip my heart open, darling, for I have never known love before.“

• „take no shit, do no harm“

• “Be a nuisance where it counts, Do your part to inform and stimulate the public to join your action. Be depressed, discouraged, and disappointed at failure and the disheartening effects of ignorance, greed, corruption, and bad politics—but never give up.”

• „Before you tell a tale of revenge, dig two graves

• „First we shape our tools, then our tools shape us.“

• „The future is what you make of it. Just know that your supplies are limited.“

• „bury me shallow, I‘ll be back"

• „This is Hell territory and I am impudent to no gods“

• „Sticks and Stones may build a throne but you‘ll be up there all alone“

• „I am deliberately taking this personally“

• „You’re still dodging my questions“

„you’re just missing“

• „Rome wasnt build in one day.

But it was burned one“

or

„But they layed bricks every hour“

• „You’re not as simple as they wanted you to be.“

• „Get off the ground, kid, spit your blood. Go down a savage, go down fighting.“

• „Educated Criminals work within the law“

• „Everyone is guilty of the good they did not to“

• „Even the ground wouldnt want you to rot in it“

• „War is old men talking and young men dying.“

• „I‘ll take care of you.

It‘s rotten work.

Not to me. Not if its you.“

• „What are you, before a human ready to fight“

• „Walls have ears

Doors have eyes

Trees have voices

beasts tell lies

Beware the rain

Beware the snow

Beware the man

you think you know“

• „This is who we are: A product of war.“

• „once a man, now deemed a fool“

• „What was that?

Probably God, looking down on his children and regretting that there even was a sixth day.“

• „We all just kill time until the killing time“

• „people will never bleed enough to meet your vision of justice“

• „There are three things all wise men fear: The sea in storm, a moonless night and the anger of a gentle man.“

• „Let me die first or I will die twice“

• „Looks like you dropped something.

What?

Your standards. Hi, I‘m XY“

• „In whatever matter it comes to be, love is never wrong, especially not between one that has so much of it to give and one so desperately in need of it.“

• „Heavy is the Crown and light as a feather the banner of rebellion"

• „I am not a vessel for your good intentions“

• „Every breath i take without your permission raises my self esteem“

• „Your boos mean nothing, I‘ve seen what makes you cheer“

• „In a rich man’s house there is no place to spit but his face.“

• „You could sooner divert a river from its course than deny my nature.“

• “I would rather die standing than live kneeling”

• “Life is all about pain and by god I will be it’s conduit.”

• “Ring the bells you still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

That is how the light gets in”

• “Here’s a penny for your thoughts and a quarter to not tell me them.”

• “Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame”

• “To greed, all nature is insufficient”

• “We are rarely proud when we are alone”

• “I will love you like misfortune loves orphans, as fire loves innocence and as justice loves to sit and watch as everything goes wrong”

• “You say I killed you - haunt me, then.”

• “But who are you, to consider yourself an enemy of humanity? Who are you, to define yourself as something else but them?”

[colorisbyshe]

if you want to complain more about clamp I am listening :) as someone who owns many volumes of the manga in multiple languages...... I am listening. <3

okay i’m just gonna rant in a very, very long post everyone please just avert your eyes mental illness is happening

but like....... as someone who was nostalgically reading these manga to bring back some happy memories i had as a kid, discovering that these series (ccs which i remembere dfondly despite not having actually watched/read as a kid, and trc and xxxholic which i read with some of my best friends at the time) are not just deeply flawed but harbouring so much like... frankly heinous shit in them is like??? deeply hurtful to me???

and like... i could handle cardcaptor sakura being full of evil shit because i had no deep personal connection, i just wanted to better understand ccs references in tsubasa and lik better appreciate syaoran and sakura and like its 90s shoujo OVER COURSE ITS FUCKED UP! just like sailor moon and fruits basket like it’s not good but like... i can process it

trc hurts me because like... the character writing for kurogane and fai is fucking PHENOMENAL, the concept is cool and interesting and unique, it (for the most part) has great themes and the way it explores concepts like grief, trauma, sacrifice, and healing was a balm to my quarantined soul

but you can tell where they realized they literally... did not know how to resolve their plot? and it got so complicated it legit gave me headaches but at least i had kurogane nad fai and then they’re shoved to the side just for it to be revealed that syaoran... is syaoran and sakura’s son... looking to meet up with sakura... to be with her... so they can be his parents

like... wow so great to watch this beautiful relationship be explored with kurogane and fai saving each otehr from the worst part of themselves just to be sidelined for “what if those fourth graders from cardcaptor sakura where husband and wife AND mother and son but like NOT REALLY becaues syaoran is also syaoran’s own dad so is it incest or just really confusing” but no it’s both like legit when falling in love with sakura he comments on how she’s just like his mom like hello bitch? you’re 14 but i’ll still kill you that shit is WEIRD

so that wAS NOT GREAT and then it ends with THE GROUP SEPARATED AT THE END?? SO I COULDN’T EVEN GET A HAPPY ENDING like yeah maybe it’s good sakura and syaoran were separated but kurogane and fai got to stay together beacuse... fuck the incest  but like... where is my catharsis where is my happiness??

and i’m rereading xxxholic which was my favorite of trc/xxxholic as a kid and... first off, it’s boring, secondly, it thinks it’s smarter than it is an dhas contradicting themes every other chapter, but FUCK it’s so interesting but doumeki, himawari, watauniki, and yuuko don’t have half the bonds as the TRC gang and like... i still don’t know why doumeki was going so fucking hard for watanuki

but the concepts were interesting enoguh and watching watanuki grow was nice

but you can ALSO tell AGAIN clamp just got bored and didn’t know how to wrpa it up so suddenly watanuki gives up ALL HIS BONDS AND HURTS ALL HIS FRIENDS just to be reunited with yuuko??? despite the themes of the story being about how self sacrifice causes scars on others?? and that’s BAD like if you love your frieneds you don’t hurt them by undervaluing yourself??? THATS A BASIC THEME OFT HE STORY

and then they rush to pair off doumeki with a girl THEY HELPED RAISE so he can have children to stay with watanuki... himawari is written off despite her last interactions with watanuki being about them caring for each other anad choosing to stay in contact despite her curse... and like yuuko’‘s entire character is never explained she’s just like “i’m a woman who exists as a vehicle of plot in both TRC and xxxholic i will never be given depth beyond that... well also i’ll ruin watanuki’s life”

and hen the last chapters are just watching everyone grow up while watanuki is alone, never aging, helping grant wishes where he watches other immortal beings suffer and lose everyone, and it just ends with him relizing he likely won’t ever see yuuko again but he’ll keep waiting?? even though it’s been 100 yers and everyone he loves is dead??

and that shit is not good for my mental health like i feel like i have been isolated fo ra hundred years beacuse of covid watching watanuki choose it hurt edeply

like half the manga is about syaoran and sakura begging him not to vanish (also that plotline was WEIRDLY dropped) and the series ends with him effectively... vanishing a sa person and just becoming shopkeeper

how fucking depressing??

i could handle a sad ending if it had value. if it said something. if it didn’t have doumeki marrying a girl he knew since she was an abused elementary schooler while he was like 17. ESPECiALLY when IN THE PANELS REVEALING IT it weren’t like “atcually neither of them love each other they love watanuki but it’s fine” like HUH????????? FOR WHY

and ive really had to grasp the reason why there’s so much fucked up shit (incest, pedophilia) in those series is core to CLAMP’s messages accross all their mangas about soulmates nad how about love can triumph over everything

and like using such a PURE message to be like “if an adult is in love with a child and they’re soulmates, it’s to be” is so fucking evil

like they’ll tip toe around kurogane and fai, yukito and touya, doumeki and watanuki, and all the gaybait that i KNOW is in their other series because i’ve grown up seeing shit like tokyo babylon and legal drug and all their other dropped manga

because gay peopl ebeing soulmates is a wink and a nod

but ADULTS WITH CHILDREN THEY ARE IN CHARGE OF??? MOTHER AND SON MAYBE??? oh that’s fine they’re REAL soulmates who will go against TIME AND DIMENSION MAGIC ITSELF to be in love

like...............................

gay people are second class characters compared to pedos and incest... does it get worse than that? like besides emotionally destroyed by the sad endings, i get that shit too?

it hurts on a deeper level like feels like a betrayal and i’m kind of really sad i revisited something i enjoyed so much as a kid (even when i didn’t understand wtf was going on, because i was literally reading it at the same time my friend was and rushing) andd discovered this like... deep rot inside it

i could have continued to remember it fondly but now it’s just like... reaching the last bite of cake and being told it was made with maggots like... well i already ate it all...

there’s no point reading clear card or the unfinished tsubasa/xxxholic sequels because they’ve already ruined themselves like they can’t fix it

kurogane and fai still won’t be allowed to be together. watanuki still outlived everyone who ever loved him for a mother figure that can never come back. cardcaptor wrote off the fourth grader engaged to hre teacher but like... sakura’s dad is still a preadator

like... what do i do with these left over feelings then?

i’ll be over it in a dya but like for tonight i really do feel unwell

okay thank you i got it out in one post i am processing the feelings

i am gonna cry about watanuki being alone tho

[alittleoptimistic]

Favorite Character Tropes as Wish Fulfillment?

I wrote that title after I analyzed this stuff because I realized a thing about myself I was unaware of. I always get attached to the Same Character. Like, they are literally the same person in different stories. And I want to know why. So I did a little digging and thinking and all that good, good stuff. 

Here are a few examples of my typical favorite character

Charlie from Lost

Virgil from Sanders Sides

Philip from Travelers

the Doctor from Doctor Who (specifically 10)

Klaus from Umbrella Academy

Stiles from Teen Wolf

Riley from Sense 8

Cisco from Flash

Peter Pan from any version of this story

Jim from the Office

Peter from Heroes

Merlin from Merlin

Will from Hannibal

Felix from Orphan Black

Chuck from Chuck

Josh (the werewolf ) from Being Human

Jessica from Jessica Jones

Castiel from Supernatural

Loki from Marvel

Skylar from Heroes

Sherlock from Sherlock

Zuko from The Last Airbender

Killian from Once Upon a Time

I could probably find more but you get the idea

General similarities seem to be:

out of 23

21 are male?

15 have some type of addiction/problem they have difficulty controlling? (drugs, attention, adventure, eating people, killing people, ya know, etc)

17 have a secret

‘neuro-divergent’ in some way? (ADD, PTSD anxiety, depression, something? the kids are not alright)

All 23 have grey morals (probably chaotic good-ish? they all would break the rules for a good reason or get what they want)

19 have a crappy homelife/large tragedy in the past

20 have ��superpowers/special ability’

18 are physically weak in appearance

18 are Underdogs, underestimated but actually powerful/very intelligent?

7 have a redemption arch

17 have dark hair lol

18 have a sarcastic, sense of humor

14 talk too much

mostly white in one form or another :/

So... why?? Why do I tend to like these characters more than others?

male. I am female and there are a few female characters that I LOVE. They happen, but, in all honesty, they are far and few in between. Wonder Woman, Jessica Jones, Hermione, Rey, Riley, Rory (Gilmore girls) Perhaps it is the way girls are often written? I like Jessica Jones because she is a hilarious mess and I relate. Same with... all of the ones I like, actually. They have that grey-moral vibe of real people, but lack the sexy Cat Woman, I’m-so-bad-I-can-kill-you-with-my-massive-butt-and-boobs?? Thing?? yeah? how unfortunate. They are small breasted or, at least, that is not drawn attention to too much. Could it be. holy moly, ya’ll. could it be I like women characters when they’re written... like people? like. like, as if girls are screwed up humans! not objects?? isn’t that incredible.

srry but not srry

an addiction. now, why do I tend to go here? Its a kind of a painful trope. They always go back, and back and back again to what we know is horrible for them. Perhaps there is enjoyment in watching the struggle and seeing them inevitably win their struggle, whatever it is? The strength to conquer the darkness within themselves and do the right thing. It might just make you think you can conquer your own battles?? Maybe I feel like I can relate in some sort of way, going back to old habits, struggling to be the person I want to be. Year after year of the same new year goals...

a secret. This is honestly just a nice trope and its neat, fun writing. Creates tension, and it is usually connected to the addiction. You get invested in this secret!!! It builds up to the inevitable discovery of that secret and the aftermath and all the reactions of their friends. (merlin, Will graham, chuck, etc.)

Neurodivergent. I think this is just me relating to these people. I have bouts of depression and anxiety and am currently researching the possibility of having ADD (thats a whole new weird thing idek) so this is just something that I think I see in myself.

Grey-morals. Again. This is my moral alignment, shocker. So, again, me relating to the characters. Also, characters that obviously have flaws are just well-written, well-rounded characters? No one is actually Clark Kent. characters that seem perfect either come off as plastic and fake because real people do not act like that, or they come off as kind of creepy?? because they must have some darkness lurking beneath the surface (when this is done on purpose, i actually like this quite a lot. Rose Quartz is an example of a character who seemed perfect on the surface, but as the show moved on, is revealed to be a Real Disaster Queen. she isn’t evil, just kind of a brat, but that redeemed what seemed to be sloppy storytelling because it was realistic)

Tragic past. This is just something that authors give to Disaster People to justify their screwed-up-ness. Course, not all of them had tragic pasts, but something bad happened to all of them (except Jim from the Office I think??, but then again, that is a sitcom...)

Special Ability Again, wish fulfillment. Not even gonna lie. I often feel powerless and out of control, this Freaks Me Out. I think there is comfort in seeing the ‘little guy’ (aka le me) having with a BAMF hashtag

 Weak And once more on Relatable-Station. This is in connection with relating to feeling and looking powerless, but finding comfort in the secret strength these characters have whether through supernatural means, superior intelligence, biting humor, a quick tongue, etc.

Underestimated the cap on this trio. The last 3 points could be summed up as one thing. A weak, underestimated person actually has some secret strength. These characters might just be a coping mechanism I have to deal with feeling weak and overlooked and powerless, whether or not those feelings accurately portray reality. I wonder where those feelings came from in the first place.

A redemption arch This trope is often a result of having grey morals. These also help deal with feelings of inadequacy or guilt in the reader?? It makes you think, if they can be loved, surely I can. (i am really dragging myself in this post, which was not the plan lol but here we are) 

Dark hair/brown hair. I have dark hair, I also wanted black hair as a child and found it very beautiful. Also, I think the dark hair goes with the personality trope as a Screw Up. Not gonna lie, messy brown/black hair on boys and girls, honestly, but the short messy thing, is great. and when they go evil for a bit and the hair gets Extra Messy?? That. That’s. Good. (for reference see: Stiles, Killian, Peter, Virgil, Loki)

Sarcastic my flavor of humor. this is turning into the realization that we do, in fact, like characters we relate to the most. I thought that might be far fetched because I’m ‘nothing like’ these characters, but let's get real. They’re me but as a cute boy or girl.

Talk too much This isn’t me. but This is who I want to be, I think. I’ve always struggled with anxiety about being the quiet one while my brother was so much better at talking, making friends, etc. so this is, again, wish fulfillment. i swear i didn’t think this was going to be this self-indulgent but i obviously was wrong

White They aren’t all white. Zuko is Asian. Cisco’s actor is Columbian American. But that’s... thats a really small amount of diversity. Like, I’m concerned. (when i say white btw, I don’t mean just American or British or whatever, because there are characters on here that are from all over. I just mean overall white-looking for the sake of this analysis) 

So, First Hypothesis: prejudice is very ingrained and even with good intentions, i could be subconsciously avoiding characters that are POC??? If this is all a ‘projecting myself’ thing, then I relate to white people the most? Im sure im screwing this up, but i’m not gonna chicken out and avoid this because thats what I’d usually do to keep from dumbly saying something offensive, but if I dont address a problem, then no one is getting anywhere 

Second Hypothesis: Its been known the fiction industry as a whole has a problem with representation,,, I don’t want to discount me being white, but I don’t think this is just me and my tiny entitled butt. There probably isn’t as much access to that type of character for POC. How often do creators have well-rounded, stick-around-for-a-long-time, flawed, funny, sometimes-problematic-but-well-meaning characters that are also POC? not often enough. Maybe it’s not always on purpose. But because of ‘Diversity Points’, character development might get pushed aside, and then the character’s personality becomes Their Race, which is... a crappy way to build a character? The industry has a hard enough time with diversity in general. Maybe people just don't write POC as that type of character. Which makes characters like Cisco unique. I’ve never even thought about that... Good on you, Flash writer crew.

let's fix this??

need more Ciscos???

 if any POC feels inclined to call me out on my bull or give their insight (only if you want to, of course), pls do.

In conclusion: this was interesting, and it makes sense, I guess, why people like different types of characters if their favorite characters are projections in one way or another of them. I’m not saying that we all relate to our favorite characters, but me, because I have this weird, dozen or more of the same type of character that I love, it might be reasonable to assume there’s something about that character I see in myself or wish I saw in myself? Anyway, an interesting thought. What do you guys think? Do you see yourself in your favorite characters?

This has been an honest essay that got too long. I wish I was as invested in writing school essays as I am in Tumblr posts.

[tumblunni]

I had a really weird dream involving Dr Maddiman. Its a shame i can barely remember any of it and also it seems i woke up before it ended? Like i just had this overwhelming sense that allll the plot threads were gonna be wrapped up any second now and then BOOM awake. So just a whole bunch of random stuff happened with no real explanation at all.

It was some sort of post apocolyptic setting i think? Humanity was in these small isolated cities fighting against some sort of invading army but we never actually saw the aliens themselves. And some part of my brain was like "it makes sense its the same rules as a hairdresser and the design takes cues from a pack of AAA batteries". I have NO idea what that means! So basically everythibg was super vague and undescribed and dream-me just had a sense of already being a long time fan of this series and knowing enough to fill in the gaps. Apparantoy this was some sort of adaptation of a thing id already seen, but id been told the ending was different and more accurate to the manga? Also i wasnt actually a person watching this show i was still the protagonist of the show yet i acted like i'd been reincarnated and relived this week a million times or something

ANYWAY the way dr maddiman comes in is that he was some sort of 'brilliant but dangerous' expert the government had hired to help our fight against the aliens. It wasnt really explained why he was.. yknow.. maddiman. Like is this meant to be that ghosts also exist in this sci fi universe? Was he a half alien hybrid instead of a yokai? Was it just human maddiman with the personality of yokai maddiman due to ptsd...? In any case he didnt seem entirely tethered to the laws of reality and nobody knew exactly how he pulled off all his scientific miracles. He was treated as the only guy who could understand the mindset of the aliens, but that also made him dangerous because he trapped in the delusion of everything being okay and fun and happy and he often did evil things by accident while having good intentions. But they didnt have anyone else who'd cracked the code of the alien weaponry so they had to put up with him. He was just sorta assigned a crack team of secret agents whose job was Be The Old Man's Friend So We Dont All Die. Dont let him realise how the world is all destroyed and such, just play along with his goofyness and try and remind him to do his important work while dancing around why its important. it was super creepy how he was locked up and gaslighted like this!! And he was all 'oh im sure when im done with my ultimate experiment i can go home to my wife and kids' and yeah it was implied here that the same backstory applied :( 'distract the old man and validate his false opinion that his family is still alive and waiting for him' :( poor sci fi madds :(

Oh also for some reason he seemed to be wearing elements of Adventure era Dr Eggman's outfit? But just the general style of the coat and the wearing goggles that he never actually uses. And he had a very warm and cuddly autumnal colourscheme

Anyway i was part of the Super Secret Grampa Cherishing Division whose job was to act as his assistant but also secretly be packing a bazillion weapons to neutralize him if he poses a danger to humanity. But i started to genuinely care for the guy and question the 'any atrocity is permitted for the sake of saving the world' philosophy of my bosses. Also it was just very weird how it was this post apocolypse alien fighting action thing yet i didnt see ANY OF IT cos this story was confined to this one laboratory. It was surreal hearing about all this stuff happening offscreen!

I think Maddiman's main project was some sort of dimensional transport thing using salvaged alien tech? It was just a door in his lab that usually led to a closet but if he got it working itd teleport us straight to the alien base and save the world. And a lot of it wasnt explained but i got this great sense that itd all come together with a great twist ending evebtually but then i woke up before i got that far. Same for the reveal of this maddiman's new sci fi backstory and soooo many other dropped plot threads. Alas!

So anyway: closet. Closet with one of those bead curtain things cos i was thinking about them when i fell asleep. It was supposed to be a teleport but when it malfunctioned it had really scary negative effects warping people's biology and stuff. I remember one of the test subjects was sent in for a five day trip to a specific alternate dimension but then when they came back itd been several years and theyd had to survive in a deadly wasteland and been mutated into a hellbeast. And maddiman had a huge breakdown because he felt like his recklessness and optimism towards this experiment had caused this mistake to happen, and he'd never realized just how awful the consequences could be. He was babbling motor mouth discussing theories for where it went wrong and there was something like 'we'd only tested it for one day trips and assumed that just programming two of them would equal two days but actually with each additional number on the screen it multiplies the days by 3" And there was something about like...the bead curtain was the machine rather than the door itself? Like trying it on a bunch of different doors around the lab to try and find a way to cure this person.

And there was some sort of artificial intelligence computer with the personality of an adorable lil girl, who helped maddiman do calculations and stuff. She missed the mistake in this calculation cos her concept of linear time and the limits of human organs was kinda undeveloped. She only existed within the realm of numbers after all, and didbt even have functionality to record footage of her human friends's faces. No idea wtf a human looks like! So maddiman was lost in his desperate grief of potentially accidebtally killing or at least mentally scarring a person and the government would probably kill them now if they saw they were a super mutant. And he was sobbing and begging this AI to help, his last resort was her maybe being able to see a brainwave that he'd missed. But she was freaking out cos she didnt even fully understand why maddiman was crying let alone what to do to fix it. Eventually she did manage to find a solution theough some simple different logic thing that she had from her perspective as a computer. And that person was saved but still traumatized and maddiman had a moment of realizing just how high stakes everything was and freaking out. He was like 'whats wrong with my head, why didnt i notice that, why was i so reckless, why cant i seem to grasp basic human logic that i need right now" Having a big existential crisis of 'wait how did i even get in this lab, where's my family and why do i seem to have superpowers'. Protagonist mission: hide all the goddamn mirrors to avoid this weird ghostgramp (...aliengramp??) from realizing he's dead (..or an alien??) and losing control of himself. And everyone was running around talking about 'containment procedures' and poor maddiman didnt know that if his panic attack continued he might just straight up be killed for outliving his usefulness. So the protagonist was desperate to help him calm down and it sucked SO MUCH cos they had to lie about his past and weave the web of deception around him again for his own safety. In the end they just hugged him close until he calmed down, and all the other employees were like GASP THEY ACTUALLY TOUCHED THE EVIL DANGEROUS SUPER EVIL MAN and protag was like 'i am 1% away from slapping the next bitch who insults this grandpa'. And it was super depressing cos once he'd calmed down he seemed to start forgetting that anything bad had ever happened?? And he was really panicking and scared cos he didnt understand why he was forgetting, and he knew he had to cling onto something important but he didnt know what. And then five minutes later he was back to haha cheerful nothing is wrong and i love doing my fun science in this room im never allowed to leave. And protagonist was crying the tears that this poor gramp wasnt allowed to cry :(

Also actually i think maybe he was a ghost AND an alien? Like he was a scientist who died in some sort of tragedy back when the aliens first invaded, but along the way he'd been infected so his body got back up as a twisted combination of human and inhuman. And this was something unique to him, like he just happened to have a genetic mutation in his blood that was totally undetectable in life but happened to mix unpredictably with this alien virus to turn him into a hybrid instead of just killing him. So the government was very interested in finding a way to replicate this and create new supersoldiers, as well as just taking advantage of this dude's confused mental state that granted him a unique understanding of alien tech that made him more effective than other scientists. And, of course, also made him easy to manipulate :(

And i also had a feeling that maybe his backstory was mixed up with Adventure dr eggman? Like here it seemed he had a daughter instead of a son, and she had a similar death to Maria Robotnik where she was assasinated by the government he worked for, and it tipped him over the edge. I think Maddiman-alien-scifi-dude originally died trying to save her from being used in some sort of experiment? Like she was already dying of a disease and thats why maddiman took this job to have access to powerful government technology to try and look for a cure. But when the whole alien apocolypse happened, the evil government decided to use her for experiments cos she was 'basically dead anyway'. Theyd just lie and tell maddiman she died of her illness. So this was how they found out that this particular family's bloodline had a mutation that let them form a viable hybrid with alien dna. They were turning this poor kid into a monster in the basement while lying to her dad about her being dead! And maddiman was about to commit suicide from having no reason to live anymore, with the hell of this apocolypse world and the false impression that his kid was already dead. But somehow monster-daughter sensed this or something and broke out of containment to try and save him, and when he saw her he was able to recognise her even in her twisted state. So when the soldiers gunned her down in front of him and fed him some lies about this not being his daughter, he just completely snapped. He tried in vain to fight back and take down as many of them as possible in revenge, but well he was just a simple round dad with no ability to fight a government. So he was unceremoniously executed along with his kid and they shoved the bodies back in the lab to continue testing. "Damn that overemotional science dad, he made us execute our most valable test subject! But at least this way we can analyze his corpse to see if the mutation is passed down on the patrilineal side." But at some point during the fight, monster-daughter's blood had splashed on her dad and gotten into his bloodstream. So the seemingly dead body suddenly got up out of the morgue and started sucking people's blood or something. And this led to the current situation where they have him locked up cos he's a valuable test subject but also hey he has 100% reason to kill all of us and we're screwed if he remembers his past. Also i think the computer AI thing was his subconcious attempt to recreate the personality of his daughter even if he couldnt remember she'd ever existed :(

Anyway at some point things escalated and there was this final showdown versus both the invading aliens and the evil governmebt guys. I think there was some corrupt greedy politician dude who stole maddiman's teleporter tech and sold us out to the aliens cos he wanted money and power or something. And probably predictably the aliens just threw him off a bridge after he gave them the thing, because seriously even this evil army thinks these government dudes are too evil!

So this big actiony event was happening and Maddiman was freaking out like 'no no no i cant leave the lab everyone wpuld be mad at me, i dont even know what its like outside this room' even when he was in the middle of being attacked by aliens. He was forced to face his repressed memories to survive, and he naturally had a massive fuckin freakout! And i think maybe when protagonist character was trying to protect him he accidentally lashed out with his powers and hurt them, and he was so horrified thinking another person he cared about was gonna die because of him. Protagonist was like 'dont worry gramps its just a scratch' but he'd already freaked out and run away into the battlefield to his heavily implied death.

BUT THEN at some sort of moment of dire need, he came back all powered up and re-memoried and was like 'i have every reason to despise humanity but im not gonna let more children die because of these damn corporate monsters (and also literal monsters which are infinately less scary)" And he did some sort of great sacrifice to save the protagonist at the cost of his own life, and it was super dramatic falling from a building into a lake of fire or something. While sobbing and smiling peacefully thinkibg "did i atone for my sins? Will i be able to see my family again?" As his smiling face sunk beneath the flames and the protagonist cried out into the abyss...

Aaaaand then i dont really know what happened in the big battle and i also never found out wtf the solution was to fixing the transporter thing or how the aliens invaded or any of the million plot points that were non gramp related.

I just remember that when we all saved the day and defeated the baddies we found that maddiman had actually survived and it was a big hugs reunion. He was like "OH YEAH i totally forgot i literally already died once and regenerated from it, and this was the entire start to my story. My bad!" *shrugs inexplicably not dead arms*

So yeah in summary im glad my brain summoned up a universe where my favourite sad granddad is literally immortal now, but also why did it torment him with an even sadder plot than his original one

[squidcalamarium]

An open letter to three people

I would write this (and post it) on some other social media platform, or even write it out in a google doc, but that all feels either more vulnerable or impersonal than I want this to be. I understand that posting about my Feelings on tumblr isnt really all that private, but here all I am is what I say I am, and that matters more than anything really.

Anyway

This is going to be really long.

Five years ago, when I was 15, I identified as agender and pansexual. I was struggling a lot with feelings of "greyness" accompanied by intense bursts of anxiety, and both would make me cry. I cried a lot. I cried a lot for years. I still cry fairly easily but thats beside the point because I dont cry As Much, now. I dont cry as much as I used to, and it's not as painful as it used to be, because I have you three.

I was 14 and scared of myself when I met my first real best friend, at a mutual friends birthday party. I used to struggle with accepting a lot of things about myself, before I met her. Before I met you, I was disgusted by the way I looked. Not because I thought I was fat, though I struggled with that some, no, the main reason was my skin. I was raised believing the darkness in my skin was something to be ashamed of. Not ever directly, my grandmother would never ever tell me, her perfect granddaughter, that her skin tone was shameful. But it was in everything around me, from the age of 8 to 12, that taught me that being Half of something that's supposed to be Opposite of another, is wrong. The distinction between Right White and Black as Sin.

You helped me see past that. You helped me be able to look back at pictures of myself from when I was in elementary, middleschool, yesterday, and not have to look away. I was a really cute kid, looking back. I dont have to fight myself when my mom posts pictures of me from years ago on Facebook anymore. I know I'm not ugly. I know I never was. Now.

It struck me when I was 14, a year after getting to know you, that I didnt think my skin was ugly anymore. That I could like features about myself again. I cried when I realized that. I started to explore myself in other ways, after that, because I could finally look past how I Looked into what I Am.

I tried out genderfluid for a while, scared to admit I wasn't a Girl. At 15 I tried out agender, and like I said above, that was probably a product of my hormonally increased depression. It was also because I was scared to admit I Was A Boy. It's easier to say I'm nothing than it is to say I'm something.

It's hard, learning to accept one aspect of yourself only to struggle immediately after with another.

I dont remember much about this stretch of time in my life, and my timeline is incredibly blurry. I remember when I first met my two best friends, but I dont remember when I first met my girlfriend. Probably because we just weren't very close at the time. It was middleschool, after all. We met through a mutual friend and never really got to spend any time together until highschool. Anyway, back on topic. I think I was about to talk about how I learned to Love again.

For a Very long time, I was scared to even say the words "I love you" out loud and in a coherent manner to another human being. Saying "I love you" felt like a weakness, something vulnerable that once said, would be used against me. It had been, before, but not by you. Which you? All three of you.

Love, too me, used to be something sacred and delicate that could be ruined if I said it to freely. To say it would be to give someone the opportunity to hurt me, and no matter how many times someone said they loved me, I couldnt say it back. I was like this for so long, and it hurt so much.

Love, too me now, is still something incredibly special, but also something that should be said freely. Love is a feeling best felt shared. Love isnt just Romantic, and it never has been. I love flowers in fall, I love the feeling of summer rain, I love the color pink, I love the Concept of goblins, I love my hair, I love my girlfriend, I love my best friends. I love being able to say "I love you" without feeling like I'm pulling rocks out of my lungs. I love being able to say "I love you" without feeling the blood grow heavy in my skin and fear suplex my heart.

I love knowing I'm loved just as much as I love them.

I love knowing no one is going to fight over who I love more. Knowing I love you all differently and just as passionately. Knowing I dont have to be scared of being abandoned.

When I learned how to love without being scared, and how to trust in others, I was able to accept more about myself. I was around 17 when I accepted the fact that I'm a man. I'm not a girl, I'm not nothing, I am genuine to myself. I struggled a lot with accepting that. I was scared of myself.

Before I came to that conclusion, and went a little bit wild, I met my other best friend. He helped me find peace in myself.

I was not in the best place, when I was 16. I almost did a lot of things when I was 16. I dont think I tried to kill myself, but I also dont remember a lot of my teen years. He would know better, the kind of place I was in at the time. He helped me get through it.

Sometimes, when you catch yourself in a rut and cant seem to find a way out and just end up digging yourself down deeper, you need someone to call you an idiot. You need someone to go "maybe instead of resigning yourself to pacing back and forth forever, you could try and climb. You could try and dig into the walls and climb. Just stop trying to pretend it's okay, and ask for help."

I decided from then on out that I was going to treat myself better. That I wouldnt seek out self deprecation, and I wouldnt dwell on things that made me feel bad. It was hard, and it Still Is, but I'm better now. I'm better than I was. I still have the screenshots of the texts he sent me. They're on a blog I used to Write my Woes onto, but now its just an archive.

I am no longer my Own Worst Enemy.

When I first got with my girlfriend, I was kind of in the middle of losing my mind, and I ended up breaking up with her. Awful decision, really, but it needed to happen. I needed to grow as a person, into someone who deserved her even a Little Bit.

I still dont think I'm good enough for her, not by a long shot, shes a better person than I'll ever be. But she loves me anyway. Shes seen me when I looked my worst, when my brain was at its worst, and she still loves me. I dont think ill ever measure up to be what I think she deserves, but I try.

She motivates me, more than anything, to keep trying. To keep going. I almost didnt make it past 19, despite everything I still almost gave in, I almost gave up. I refuse to hurt her like that though. I can't hurt any of you like that.

I cant give up now, not when I have a future to look forward to, and that above all else is what she gives me. Its what you give me. A future to look forward too, to want to earn, to achieve.

I have never really had any solid idea of what I wanted out of life as I gotolder. Usually I'd go for more vague things, like "I want to be an artist and make money from my crafts" and "I want to be a therapist for tweens and young teens, to help them understand themselves." But besides that, I had nothing. What kind of life would I lead, outside of these Career Paths?

Now, I know I just want to be yours. For as long as you'll have me.

I'm 20 now. I am a man, and I don't really want to bother much with a label for my sexuality besides saying I'm queer. I have two best friends, one like a sister another like a muse, and my girlfriend. I have a cat named chelly and a dog named princess.

My life isnt where I want it to be, but I'm a better person now than I was before.

I'm better at Being a person than I ever have been.

Because everything I am now I had the potential to become, and everything I will be I have to potential to become.

There are a finite amount of resources in me, and the more I learn the better I am at using them.

I still get upset just as easily now as I did before, I can still spiral just as badly. I can still cry just as quickly. It's just that now, I know what to do to calm down a little quicker. Now, I'm nicer to myself. Now, I know how to redirect my emotions and my thoughts.

I'm still everything that I was before, just with more experience. The same parts, just rearranged more effectively than before. I'm as quick to comfort myself as I am to comfort others.

And it's all thanks to them. It's all thanks to you.

Thanks you.

I love you

[thekintsukuroikid]

December 23 2017.

I never wanted to post these. I wasn’t going too.

It wasn’t until I saw the pictures of my family members did I realize I actually did capture something worth sharing, worth working on, worth feeling good about.

I’ve been on meds for awhile, been to therapy too. I’m starting to feel like I have the tools in my toolbox to start making some steps forward. I just don’t feel like I have the self belief to really go for it.

I’m tired, i’m frustrated and I’m finding it increasingly harder to rationalize this fight for myself. I remember being so excited when I moved away that finally I had the ability and the freedom to focus on myself, all of myself, especially my mental health. The commitment to do so has be fraught with setbacks and frustration.

The silver lining to which is the sheer immensity of kindness and love I’ve received from my friends. I question how I deserve it…obviously, and I am always wary of making sure our conversations aren't always about negative stuff. I don’t want to drag em down, or be a bummer.  I always believed the most insulting feeling in the world is being pitied. I’d rather be hated than pitied. Maybe i’m just being loved.

I always need external context, I never feel like I can start or finish or be without some sort of external form of permission, context, and sometimes motivation.

Whether is a girls number at the bar, or a degree on the wall I can never truly feel happy or connected to a moment, or an outcome unless I can work out how i’ve earned it. I almost never do.

What this means Is that I am often left floating, never really sure of myself in any given situation. Never really sure if what Im doing or experiencing is really building on a person or values as opposed to the consistent stringing together of just getting through the day.

Taking pictures is a hobby that feels safe to me, it feels worth pursuing. I think because deep down I have never felt like the main character of my own story, behind the lens I don’t have to be.

I named this blog after Kintsukuroi because I loved the meaning behind the art of fixing broken pottery with gold. I wanted to feel like I could do that for myself. Shine through my flaws. But even if I don’t, you can still fill the cracks with pyrite instead of gold and still hold water. Maybe that’s ok.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

See the key to enjoying family vacations is finding little moments of solitude, of respite where you slip out the back and escape for a few hours armed with a bluetooth speaker and a book that wasn’t assigned reading.  

 -I found a beach chair on the very edge of the resort property, a small wooden fence and a small one person security shack all that separated me from the public beach area filled with local kids splashing and yelling.  

- I played something slow and looked out into ocean and came up with as many lame water metaphors as one could presumably concoct under the circumstances of time and a mild hangover. - I present them here:

  See I preface all of this by saying writing all flowerying and poetic like this is like eating buffallo wings really fast, like it tastes good but is always accompanied with the heartburn of being this self indulgent. It just kinda feels douchey haha.  Ah fuck it lets go. Maybe self indulgent is the point?  When else can you be self indulgent right? 

How do I explain the fear of wondering if I wasted my best years simultaneously treading water, and never actually getting wet. How do I reconcile that? Am I gonna be in my late 30s wondering what its like to feel smart enough, or hot enough or good enough. That seems like it could suck, I mean it sucks now, what happens when it also feels like I’ve run out of time?

Speaking of water...

--

Sabrina Benaim said that Depression is turning lonely into busy.

and I am always busy.

She said that  

“Depression is sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness, I cannot baptise myself”

- I get that. You see it all around, potential everywhere, happiness so close it seems within reach and everyone around you thinks so too, yet you can't submerge yourself in it. You just drift along, walking on the water that is happiness and not being able to get yourself soaked in it. Always staying dry.

-  Maybe in my own metaphor if depression is the actual water?

- I wonder if Happiness is instead the sky you look up to when you’re treading water, concocting dreams of rescue helicoptors or philanthropic Pterodactyls swooping down to save you from your lack of cardio.

-I’ve tried to learn more about treading water by watching people who know how to swim really really well.

Google defines the Rapture of the Deep as an incapacitation that occurs when you dive too deep into the ocean, and no longer know what way is up. It can happen even if you learn how to swim really really well. One way or another some people just sink.

...and some people just take themselves way to seriously...I wonder if thats me?

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January 20th 2018 

AN ADENDUM 

I am  not afraid of the dark. 

Night time makes snack food taste better.

Depression is a slowdance lit ever so romantically by the light of the street light by my window. the glow of the 3:00am on the clock backlighting my stirrings, as a defiance against the convention of normal sleep patterns that’d  make even my teenage angst say dude chill…take a nap.

- I envy people. 

Not because I want some material thing they have, or some accomplishment. -

- I’m jealous of people who’s ears don’t constantly ring with self doubt. I always felt like I wanted to be a producer instead of just a consumer. But I’ve never had the self belief to stand by what I make...or just make. You know how people play hard to get? I feel like I play hard to want. Like all the time. Trying to be happy means sometimes trying to hard and that is annoying as shit. 

 I cannot for the life of me understand how people can just, be. 

I cannot understand how people can get through the day with more hope beyond just getting through the day. I’d give one eye just to have the other see through that lens. 

I cannot understand for the life of me how people know what to do, like ok you’re a therapist how did you know you wouldn’t be the worlds best advertising agent, or a poet or a spot welder? how do these other options not keep you up at night?

- How many people actually try Luge, like what if there is the worlds best Luger (sp?)  and he’s instead stuck in the accounting department fantasizing about  how to ask out the intern in accounts receivable? He could be fucking Luging bro.  

What I’m saying is I cannot understand how people know who to be friends with, or where to live, or who to marry? What if a more compatible partner is out there but she lives in Nicaragua...Fuck dude you gotta go to Nicaragua maybe! maybe the beauty is that out of 7 billion people, out of a million decisions, and happen stances, out of a million one in a millions, you found each other. Maybe thats worth something too? The grass is greener where you water it and all that but how do you know you should be planting grass and not palm trees....or Weed?

How do you know what parts of the tree to prune, what parts can you cut to make it grow and what parts will kill the tree?

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I do try my best, see thats the frustrating part I think. I've tried. I tried to be patient too, To not get ahead of myself. or try to feel like im entitled to feel better just because im trying too.

This has been the most open I've ever been with the people in my life bar my family. Not a single person i've told has reacted with anything other than a reaction of love and care.  No matter how I try I can't feel like I deserve it.  I’m so scared of opening up too much, and stifling how much and how long I talk about the bad days, I lie about how many good days im having because I don't want this to be a burden for them.  I don't want to get left behind because when im alone this thing starts getting the better of me. This is all a bad mix of feeling like I have the most to lose and feeling like I have the least amount of resources i’ve ever had to not lose them.

So much has changed and yet, it still feels like I have nothing to show for any of this. 

I read somewhere once that possession is the enemy of love. 

That you kill a flower by picking it. Instead of watering it where its rooted.  

-

Maybe more patience is required, it’d just be nice for a sign that somethings sprouted, that i’m doing the right things to bring forth an eventuality that this chapter of my life will be over.  I just wonder when perseverance ends and delusion begins?

--

I went into my brothers room to give put back a book. I found his sticky notes plastered all over his desk with like meditative buzz word, he's got books on history of architecture and james baldwin and eckhart tolle with the bookmarks well into them. He's starting his own creative company, hes filled out an application for the NYT. he's doing freelance work. hes already killing it with his company and in school. He is an awesome photographer,  he's a fashion whiz. he's a veritable genius. and I can't get out of bed.  I walked 3 steps out the door today, said nope, and went to bed. I went to bed at midnight last night and didn’t leave my room until 4pm.  Im not saying this in a jealous way or in away that harbours any negativity towards him. I love my brother, even if we are never going to be on the terms I hoped we’d be. To be honest I'm not really interested in the things he's into so him being good at those things don't take anything away from me. Its just insane to me how far behind I feel. I can't even basically function and he's taking on the world. If he were where I am, the world would be robbed of so much of the things he can do. I just feel like i'm robbing myself of what I could maybe do too. and It used to be a thing where If I saw somebody getting theirs, id be like aight I gotta go get mine too and id be motivated and it'd give me a boost. Because I believed in my better. I believed I had more to give.  now I just, I can't  envision any of that for myself. I don't even know what it looks like anymore.

I know that isn’t a fair comparison, I know he’s healthy and I’m not, I know comparison is the thief of joy.

It’s just, I started this whole getting healthy thing to start feeling more like myself. To start  to answer the questions about what I could do if depression  wasn’t at the forefront of every endeavour I chose to undertake, every thought that crossed my mind and every relationship I established. The fact is I feel no closer to answering that question. None. I feel farther than ever. I am the product of such wonderful privledge, to waste those gifts on a disease so self centred and indulgent seems ridiculous to me, yet here I am.

-

I have people walking with me now on this whimsical mental health adventure I’m on. Which is weird, because for the first time I’ve had to be cognizant of where my arms flail, or how much room I take up on the sidewalk. We walk together lock step, looking at that straight lined horizon, for something to eagerly burst its linearity and meet us more than half way.

While I appreciate the company it’s come with the added fear of what will happen if and when I have to stop, to stumble, to catch my breath, and for the sake of time, they keep walking. Until I can’t see them. Until the horizon is no longer something to move forward too. No north star to guide me home. 

See gratitude is anxiety. 

Always wondering how you’ve earned the luxury of a second to breathe, to use that moment to appreciate. 

 Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

[chickenfetus]

ALL MY EGG (and for the four names: jae, killer kang, minhyuk (whichever one), and santa

deadass i did the 100 questions ask meme for this ask and almost posted it rip

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

theres literally nothing i dont even know what to say ???? 

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

not 2 be delusional but i would give up my world to hug changkyun

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

glaceon is UP THERE idk why honestly but the sinnoh games were my first and i just??? i was really into ice and snow and shit u know so glaceon... thakn u

another pkmn ill always have is lucario ????? its just so cool?????

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

hopefully forgiveness and like???? acknowledging mistakes and learning from those u know jst positive stuff and like?? water. god i love water

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

hm okay i think this one was from last night or the night b4??? and like???? idk???? i dont even know how 2 start tbh?

so im like hanging over at this two kid’s im a kid 2 i think place and idk we just talk and shit??? idk whomst the boys were tho

and then we get to a scene where its like??? at a train station???? and i go to the washroom to shit or smth idk thankfully i didnt shit myself irl

then i have to get onto the train which isnt even a train its like a carousel with seats??? and its like on a train track boys this is 2 much and i forgot to get ready my train card thing so the guy (who i was p sure was evil) waited for me to remove it so i got onto the transportation device lmao

and then once im seated i remember i forgot my jacket so i make like hand movements 2 the creep and hes runnig 2 me with my jakcet but the ride’s way too fast so i yell and say ill come back for it even tho im p sure i wasnt going 2

after that i wke up wild

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

i dont have a best friend and all of my friends have their own unique qualities if i went into a rant abt them rn this will b so long

😘 talk about your crush or partner

[minhyuk voice] theres none

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

ya bc im petty but it really depends on the person

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

my personality (the good parts)

my values

my taste in friends (my Big Friends are either geminis or scorpios good)

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

the dark and bitch isnt gonna turn off her night light any time soon

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

seeing my favourite happy, listening to the music i like 

💙 what annoys you about some people?

i jjust went into a full out rant abt this on the other reply so ill be quiet now

😤 do you get angry easily?

yeahhhhh 

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

my faves tbh

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

bad people , gone.

everybody only sends love and happy things on anon

i just want everyone 2 b nice & friendly wars of any sort dont exist and no one wants anybody dead

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

if u sent jae’s name earlier id have trouble so im glad

kiss: tihis is so fucking embarrassing wtf minhyku (mx) but only on the cheek basically everywhere except the lips or anyplace weird

befriend: brian :-0

kill: jae goodbye loser

marry: sanha we can yell every time we gotta turn the lights off

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

tokyo bc its NICE

☕️ talk about your ideal day

cant read

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

i suddenly thought of the word ambivore which made me think of the word vore i wanna delete im a both? mayb idk

💧 when was the last time you cried?

nov 3 bc my heart hurts whenever i see ppl being a bad friend

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

oh worm

all alone - day6

with you - astro

dramarama - mx (even though it isnt out yet lmao)

run - bts (the superior bts song)

hellevator - / (i was rly gonna make this mixed languages but rip)

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

to fly bc im basic

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

dont do that

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

nobody in general????????? 

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

intelligence i have 2 live somehow what if my money gets stolen

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

my humor

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

i (barely) know chinese despite having 2 take it all my life legends only

i know english but im bad at that 2 and its my first language once again legends only

i wanna learn japanese and korean 

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

the cow from voltron 

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

weve already discussed this

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

oh w-0rm ok so im a regular anon on this persons blog and i wanted to send an ask but never got arnd doing it so im gonna send her one. soon/

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

let me live my life as a furry and cat

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

are u ready 4 me to b the meanest person yet bc i sure am lets fucking go

so theres this girl. and i know her (unfortunately) and ive known her since like 4 years ago and back then she was already pretty shit tbh

she cried bc she had to sit in between the “weird” and “dirty” girls in our class and she headass cried in front of them and everyone just bc she didnt like the arrangement?? shes called the “dirty” girl disgusting before and has made fun of her in front of everybody its just bad :-/

now. fast forward 3 years and in addition to still being disrespectful and rude, she now vocalizes her weird fantasies for her “oppas”??? some examples: 

“when i go watch __ perform im gonna climb onto stage and then my mother and my future husband will fight for me” and she calls those kpop idols weird shit and basically sexualizes them/???? she says the weirdest fucking shit on her ig story and tags them??????? 

another thing. she went to korea nd took a picture of a complete stranger and posted it on her public ig and called him her “oppa” and said that they had a “fun day together” despite the guy not knowing her at all???? she posted the pic of him??? i still dont get it tbh 

she wasnt even being ironic at all??? she calls herself & classmates “autistic” whenever she/others do smth dumb or mess up and its just sososososo fucking wrong

being one of the people to see how shes basically grown from bad to worse is something i dont fucking enjoy and i jsut want to leave my class already lmao 

ok but there are times where i do appreciate her because sometimes the class will be rly quiet and the teacher is basically talking 2 themselves but she’ll always respond w/o fail so thats great but its only bc she talks so damn much 

i just got a flashback to when she “jokingly” said she wanted to be a trainee for the rest of her life how do i just. god

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

we’ve once again already discussed this

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

i wanted to be various things honestly?? ranging from an astronaut to a vet to an editor to an animator to other stuff i get influenced pretty easily so if i watch smth and i think its cool ill want 2 be that i guess?? ive been trying 2 get rid of that habit so now i have no clue what i wanna be

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

sweets and chocolate cake

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

drinking water and staying hydrated

making my friends laugh is great 2

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

acne LMAO 

😪 what are you sick of?

the usual

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

i love scouting on sif and bandori so yeah 

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

lets not 

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

to a certain extent

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

use my phone???? send nice anons and comment on art/fics 

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

none

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

my tolerance for ppl’s shit is so low

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

my ocs

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

i dont have a dream hence myself

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

infpt i dont rmb shit but yeah

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

falen i dont rmb what u sent

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

i dont follow any :-o zendaya has had my heart ever since shake it off tho

🐴 opinion on day6?

ur rly gonna do this 2m e?

all alone just started playng this is terrible lets get it

so day6. a band i only found out about in late june (thank u boxy) and before this i only ever listened to bts and mx bc my friends stan them so i thought i was gonna expect boys dancing, the usual. 

i clicked i smile and i lost my fucking shit as soon as i saw the instruments because prior to day6 i was a big 5sos fan so this was rly resonating to me tbh and i was just !!! so fukcng excited??? i never intended to even get into day6 honestly??? but after witnessing how good they are and watching about all of the available mvs at that point i was completely in awe so i caved a created a stan twitter for them.

now, this isnt even the most of it. after becoming a fan i realized how much more these 5 boys are. they compose (if im not wrong) and brian writes lyrics for the songs each month because of their everyday6 project and again, im wow-ed because??? the amount of dedication???? they went from releasing 2 title tracks in 2 years to releasing 12 title tracks and 12 bside tracks in a single year. they havent released the december song yet but haviing to work on 2 or more songs in 4 weeks is fucking amazing if you ask me. 

theyre really talented and theyre just so versatile (am i using that word correctly) and each month their songs sound different. this project has given them the opportunity to try new things and you can hear the steady improvement in each of their vocals (dowoonie not so much since he barely gets lines, but we all know hes working hard) and if you listen to their debut song - kongchu and compare it to the version they released along with sunrise it just???? the drumming has even changed from the original version nd its so noticeable that whenever i hear kongchu from 2015 i know its the old ver

to add to those, they do vlives every week and although those vlives are always scheduled it still makes my day seeing them and watching them do the usual. 

one thing im upset about is that how they barely promote themselves, they rarely get on variety shows (the most is individual schedules) and we, as mydays never really get to know the boys so its harder to fall for them as a whole. i dont know if its jyp or day6′s decision but if this is how they want to be known for - their music only, then so be it. we still have jae’s presence on youtube, music access and asc. thats the most we can get and it makes it difficult for us to learn about the rest but thats okay.

another thing. their concerts are something i always look forward to (even though my interest has died down a bit;) their concerts are just so fun to listen to?? there’ll always be mydays who stream the concert so everyone else can listen to them play and they sound so good live it drives me crazy. mydays are always so hyped and whenever mydays sing along it just gives me goosebumps??? bc theyre so???? good????? 

tldr; day6 deserve more, following wise and promotions wise because they work so hard and once this project ends i hope they’ll manage to rest but still remain as a presence that will be known instead of returning to jyp’s dungeon.

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

there are days where i am more emotional than usual 

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

this is tiring

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

i sleep and boy it really helps

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

rest

🌍 which country do you live in?

singapore

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

lame funny swag

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“rocky swag” - park minhyuk, 2017

💭 do you keep a diary?

nope

💫 who inspires you?

brian kang 

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

yes bc i love losing sleep

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

terrible

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

i watched spiderman homecoming and i have no idea why i didnt see the plot twist coming but its GOOD watch it

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

theres none lads

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?

all my internet buddies but sometimes i dont want to bc im kinda....gross

[lovelesswiki]

Post-Moonless predictions— Good and Evil (7/10)

previous part<–[here] –> next part

for the last week or so, i’ve been talking about a large theory i’ve been writing. since finishing it, i’ve decided to publish it in parts, since it’s actually about 10 different theories all on one subject. since it’s all written out, i’ll try to be publishing one part of this per day.

essentially, this is a set of theories about what i believe will have to happen in order to properly lead up to a climax–the one we’ve been building up to for years and years now. so, these are what i theorize will happen after the first moonless vs beloved battle, broken up into ten different parts. each theory is explained and theres images for each one.

table of contents (bolded is the post you’re looking at):

moonless and beloved will rematch (1)

soubi will fall into a deep depression and possibly become suicidal (2)

ritsuka will arrive at seven voices, SM’s activity will be revealed (3)

SM will reveal that there was a mole in their organization (4)

kio will be the one to take ritsuka to goura (5)

ritsuka will find things out about soubi and the aoyagi family (6)

SM’s true purpose will be revealed. ritsuka will have to make a decision about good vs evil (7)

seventh SM member will be revealed (8)

nagisa will find out what really happened to sanae (9)

ritsuka will be asked to join SM to fill the aoyagi seat (10)

Theory: ritsuka will discover that SM is a ‘good’ government organization made up of people who have done bad or morally questionable things. he will be forced to begin seeing the world in shades of grey instead of black and white, and this will be important for him in terms of character development and growing up.

Note: this theory is sort of the climax of this series of theories. the things that follow it are important, but most of the theories i’ve written in this series so far have amounted to this and the things that follow this theory will rely on it.

ive said this before and ill say it again–one of the biggest parts of ritsuka’s characterization is the fact that he sees everything in terms of ‘black’ and ‘white’, and this is especially obvious with people. hes very young, and part of the story is about him growing up and maturing into a teenager. among many other things, loveless is a story about growing up. while this extends to many other characters–soubi, natsuo and youji, even some of the more childish adults–it’s particularly obvious with ritsuka, since he’s our main character.

while growing up, it’s detrimental for a person to start to experience the world in shades of grey, and ritsuka notoriously does not do this fully yet. this is the reason that ritsuka is/was struggling so much with labeling seimei as a bad person. for the first five or so volumes, readers were typically only given ritsuka’s side of seimei with only very strong hints into soubi’s seimei, hints that were strongly ignored because of the fact that the story is primarily told through ritsuka’s eyes and ritsuka didn’t want to believe any of the signs that his brother was a bad person. this sustained the ‘mystery’ for about five volumes, before it all came to a head during the wisdom resurrection game, where ritsu, nagisa, and seven all unceremoniously shoved it into both ritsuka and the readers’ faces. from there, it is all completely downhill and seimei’s character turns into one of the most evil and terrible people possible very quickly.

(pictured: 2 assholes and 1 shut-in decide to tell a child that his brother was a terrible person and traumatize him by implying that he’s alive.)

in addition to this, we saw septimal moon in the same way for the first 8 volumes. up until soubi and ritsuka arrive at the school and actually witness SM and who they are, they were seen as an evil organization who had unfairly put out a death warrant for an innocent seimei. at around volume 8, septimal moon does a huge meta heel-face turn and it’s revealed that SM are actually the good guys, and aoyagi seimei has actually raped, murdered, and extorted his way into total criminality, and thats the reason septimal moon unanimously drew up a death warrant for him.

(christ, even the mole and the girl who was your only friend voted to have you murdered. you know youve failed as team-player when literally every one of your co-workers legitimately wants you dead.)

the thing is, though, that we havent actually been told what septimal moon is yet and what they do. now, it’s pretty clear to me what they do, and we��ll get to that in a second, but the fact of the matter is that ritsuka doesn’t know, and that’s pretty important right now.

so what is septimal moon?

to put it simply, there is nothing else it could be but a government organization.

this isn’t exactly a theory. there’s too much evidence pointing to it, and enough evidence that there’s literally nothing else it could be. let’s break this down a little with things we know–SM is an organization. SM has the power and the authority to execute and punish criminals, as well as to detain them and write out death warrants. this means that they have their own system of laws. since they’re very professional about it, we can assume that other government organizations let them do this or work with them. aside from this, SM has an education branch (headed by ritsu), a medical research branch (headed by nagisa), at least 1 hospital and school, a set judge/executioner (mikado), teams that they send out for (law) enforcement, and a lot of resources and funds (funds to do research, funds for building and upkeep of facilities, funds to keep their organization running, funds to pay their members apparently well since nagisa lives in a three bedroom place and mikado has a penthouse apartment). they also are implied to keep detailed records on many, many people (see: the chapter where seven realizes what records were stolen by who the records talked about). each member has a designated role and they vote on things that have an affect on the fighter-sacrifice society.

taking all this into account, i have no idea what else SM could be other than an organization that governs over the fighter-sacrifice world. the world has its own society with its own norms and seemingly, with its own laws, and it operates outside of the legislation of country borders. SM is well respected and well known, as we’ve seen in canon, and in theory should be balanced and should operate well (see above point about the mole for why it currently does not).

so, SM is a government organization that precedes over the fighter-sacrifice world. let’s talk about its make-up. the organization does have a few rules that it operates by. there doesnt seem to be much of an age requirement for having a seat on the council, as mikado is 14 and seimei was 17, and i suspect they will soon be asking an even younger member to join. the seats are passed down throughout the family, but it doesn’t seem to matter what gender the seat goes to, as nagisa, mikado, seven, and chouma are all female and seimei and ritsu are male.

it appears that the council shares power equally, though ritsu is an egotistical narcissist and doesn’t appear to like this. the only requirement to be on the council, besides being one of the seven families, is being a sacrifice. surprisingly, ive seen people debate this, but im going to explain two reasons why this is a fact and not a theory–first, the way fighters are treated as a whole in society and secondly, we are literally told that fighters are not allowed at septimal moon meetings.

lets start with the first part of that. so far, every member who has a confirmed battle role in SM has been a sacrifice. granted, this is only 3 out of the 7 (ritsu, mikado, and seimei), but it’s still pretty significant. however, whats more significant is the way fighters are treated. in the fighter-sacrifice world, fighters are absolutely far, far below sacrifices. this is shown in a couple of different ways, from the fact that it’s completely accepted for a sacrifice to physically beat or verbally put down a fighter, but it’s not accepted for the other way around. in addition to this, fighters are expected to kill themselves if their sacrifices die. this is told to soubi’s face over and over again. however, the opposite is not true. sacrifices are implied to far outlive fighters. whereas a fighter is expected to die early on, sacrifices seem to live far longer. also, there’s the simple fact that sacrifices have an entire system in place for replacements if their fighters die.

to be fair, the bad treatment of fighters seems to be more with the older generation in the series than with the younger generation. for example, mikado seems to view tokino as her equal and does not seem to think of him as lesser. however, ritsu is shown to think of fighters as tools and of entirely lesser beings and even in his youth, he treated his fighter terribly (which ended by him drowning her in a pond with her dying to try to please him). nagisa is said to hate fighters, though it’s interesting to note that kouya, one of her favorites, is a fighter (though youji–a sacrifice–is also her favorite). seimei is seimei and treats his fighters like actual garbage. the point is that even though the younger generation doesnt treat their fighters badly, the practice of doing so is still widely accepted. since the council is made up of people who are widely respected and seen as the governing force of the society, there is no way they would allow a class of people who are seen as lesser onto the council.

secondly, early on in loveless, it’s stated offhandedly that fighters arent actually allowed in septimal moon council meetings. it’s easy to miss, but this was when ai and midori went to report back to septimal moon about ritsuka. ritsu immediately reprimanded midori for brining ai to the council headquarters and told him that she [fighters] weren’t allowed there, so it’s safe to say that fighters aren’t even allowed at council meetings.

given that the requirements to be on the council is to be part of one of the seven families and that the person must be a sacrifice and that the council shares power and votes on issues, it’s fair to say that SM could be considered a parliament. or, more humorously and maybe more accurately, SM can be considered to be like the commission, which is a council of the five families of the mob where activities of the world are monitored and observed and seats are passed down through the family. regardless, it’s fair to say that these rules exist and that the purpose of SM is to act as some sort of government organization separate from that that operates within a country’s borders.

ritsuka doesn’t know any of this, though. or, he might know some things, but he certainly hasnt figured it out yet. hes going to, though, since i dont personally see a way the story can progress with SM in it if he doesnt find out exactly what it is that these people do, especially considering ritsuka’s minor storyline of growing up and starting to see the shades of grey in the world.

the way i see it happening is like this–ritsuka will learn about the organization and will learn that it’s a government organization with laws and rules and branches to help precede over their world. he will learn about the fighter-sacrifice world (though he probably will not yet learn about the origins) and the laws, rules, and society surrounding it. because of all this, he will start to think of SM as a ‘good’ organization because the organization in practice is for the good of the people. he will not immediately see the dysfunction that i talked about in the bulletpoint about the mole.

however, he will start to see it very quickly. in the previous point, i talked about ritsuka discovering soubi’s past with ritsu and discovering the past of his own family, but i didnt expand upon how ritsuka would react to it, and i also discussed SM’s dysfunctional members when i talked about the mole. his reaction is detrimental to this bulletpoint. ritsuka will have to face the fact that the ‘good’ organization has a lot of people in it who have done bad things.

to put this in perspective, let’s have a look at what we currently know about the SM members. first up we have ritsu, who raped and abused soubi in his childhood repeatedly and so severely that it destroyed any ability or chance for soubi to function as a normal person. he is egotistical and narcissistic to the point that it interferes in every relationship that he has. he possibly drowned his fighter in a pond and fans speculate that he may be the cause of the former agatsumas’ deaths. he was obsessed with a woman to the point that he ruined her son as a way to get back at her/replace her. hes the reason that soubi was given to seimei in the first place and the reason soubi cant function socially. he also lied to ritsuka during the WR game and still acts creepily towards soubi. i have no doubt that when ritsuka discovers all this, he is going to be absolutely disgusted with him and everything hes done.

then we have nagisa. in literal terms, nagisa has performed acts of human experimentation. she has experimented on humans and views them as interchangeable parts because she wants to win an imaginary game with ritsu. she views the kids that shes created as worthless and next to nothing and only wants them near her so that she doesnt feel abandoned. she shoved natsuo and youji onto soubi at the drop of a hat and it’s strongly implied that she rarely took care of them at all. i dont think ritsuka will take kindly to any of this, either.

(ah, yes, the Traditional Loveless Parenting Style™)

then we have mikado and chouma. theyve done admittedly less things that are less personal to ritsuka than the above two, but the fact still stands that mikado did support seimei up until his betrayal of her and did seem to know about the things he was doing off to the side and didn’t seem to put a stop to them. we also don’t know if she was betrayed before or after seimei’s death warrant was signed. if it was after, then she stuck with him, despite knowing what he was doing. however, her rape and betrayal might have been what put the death warrant in place, so we don’t know if it happened before or after seimei faked his death. chouma, on the other hand, besides being a mole, caused havoc within kio’s family, and it’s unknown how much of an effect on the family she has. also things that im not sure ritsuka would like.

then we have seimei, who i dont need to go into. hes an asshole.

from this, to a child, it very much seems like SM is made up of ‘bad’ people. or, at least, people who have done bad things. but, the organization is ‘good’ because it tries to do ‘good’ things. the point of this bulletpoint is that this disagreement will cause a lot of struggle within ritsuka, because it goes against the very way that he thinks.

in short, when ritsuka finds out about the true purpose of SM and the stories behind the members, he will be forced to realize that not everything in the world falls into the categories of ‘black’ and ‘white’. the concept of black vs white is very prevalent in loveless, and especially in battles, particularly the loveless vs nisei battle, in which soubi and nisei pitted the concepts of black (evil) vs white (good) against each other.

as a note with this point, i do personally see ritsuka’s perception of seimei changing. a big turning point in this was the discussion of mikado’s betrayal and an even bigger turning point was when seimei came to the graveyard, completely ignored ritsuka, and took the one thing from him that ritsuka had. i personally believe that seimei made a huge mistake in doing this and will be paying for it soon.

[nickmpreg]

-

so

i don’t consider myself social, i never have. i don’t like talking to people i haven’t gotten completely comfortable with, and i guess that just gave me a bad name. 

probably the best way i’d actually be able to explain my depression to someone who doesn’t suffer from it, is imagine you’re in an ocean. its nothing but darkness but you can still see and breathe. But since you’re in an “ocean” your first instinct would be to try and swim out. But the thing is whenever you try your hardest to swim up, you get knocked down from a wave of fear, thoughts, and emotions. every time this wave knocks you down, you get trapped further and further down in the ocean you’re stuck in. 

that’s basically how it was for me once i hit middle school. middle school is about the time when people start to question themselves and go through hormone changes. that was exactly the case with me. my best friend whom i met that year, confessed her love for me about 3 months into our friendship. i didn’t know what to do because i thought i was straight, but i learned that i clearly wasn’t. she was the sweetest and nicest person i knew and couldn’t help myself, i loved her more than anything. 

of course, i was so naive and young, i just thought everyone would accept me for it, but i was heavily mistaken. I’d be called “lesbo, faggot, disgusting” and so on. I was so lost, this happened so regularly to me and it was just so odd. I had never had a legitimate bullying issue, but thats the thing that held me from telling anyone. I couldn’t let anyone know that i was upset, so i went home everyday with a smile on my face pretending like i was all okay.

that whole thing of acting fine didn’t last very long, though. i remember our guidance counselor pulling me out of class. after that she brought me down to her office and showed me stuff that i had posted online about me threatening to cut and kill myself. she asked me what was happening and i broke down. i couldn’t stop myself from crying my eyes out because i had felt so broken for around 3 months. it doesn’t sound so bad compared to how long other people had been struggling, but it was still incredibly rough. 

i had told her about my attempts at suicide and how badly i would throw myself down and try to cut myself but flunk out last second. of course she called my parents about how terrible i had felt. but she told them one detail my parents somehow didn’t know about. they were forgetting about me.

i can’t blame them entirely because i have a family of 6 siblings, so 7 kids is a lot, but what hurt me so terribly is how little they noticed me, but how much they acknowledged everyone else. my older siblings were normally social and open with their friends so they always had stories to tell. while my little siblings needed attention because they were little. but it felt like i wasn’t even there.

i can’t tell you how many times they’d all have dinner and i’d go downstairs and ask about dinner, and they’d say they forgot about me. i played it off and just ate something else or had leftovers, but i wanted nothing more than family time. i wanted nothing more than to be THERE. i wanted to acknowledged, but i wasn’t.

so anyways, when my parents got this news they picked me up from school and brought me home. of course, i was an emotional mess, crying at everything they were saying. i had felt so bad for so long and yet still zippered my mouth shut on it. they told me “they couldn’t tell, because i always came home with a smile on my face.” but the thing is, they’d see and hear me crying and just not do anything about it, i couldn’t trust them.

but that wasn’t the thing that completely broke me into pieces. it was my interaction with a guy on the internet that broke me so badly, i grew more standards for myself than ever. 

this guy, i’ll name him rob. rob and i met on amino one day and we just kind of hit it off from there. i had many friends who knew him and told me “he was a bad person,” but i didn’t listen. I was so young and stupid that i didn’t know how terrible it was going to get.

one day he asked me to join his discord because i got a laptop for christmas and i was using that for everything now. so of course i said yes and joined it. the second i was in, was nothing but negative energy. the server was owned by his friend Dylan who soon became one of my closest friends. 

there were people everywhere making offensive jokes, telling each other to kill themselves, and just being nasty to each other. i didn’t realize that i soon turned into them. I acted like them and adapted to how they acted. I’d talk shit on people i knew and trusted, but pretended to hate for the sake of fitting in. 

this negative attitude and personality soon warped into my actual personality. i’d tell people “fuck off you nigger” or “go die, no one actually wants you here” while expecting them to roll with it because it was a joke. i soon grew to isolate myself from actual society to be with these people who were tearing me apart. 

while all of this server shit happened, i talked to rob in private messages a lot. at first it was your regular friend shit, sending memes and being assholes to people we didn’t like. but then we started talking more and more until we talked every little time we could. we apparently had a 6 hour time zone difference with me being 6 hours behind of his timezone. but this didn’t bother us, we still talked until we were both struggling to keep our eyes open. 

now it sounds good on the surface, and it was good for many months. until one day we both felt a connection, we thought we were perfect for each other and we started dating. it was a great relationship and i adored it so much, but it quickly turned bad. we broke up once, but then got back together. so we were in his new discord at this point and he was spamming about some worthless shit.

now this part is 100% on me, but i told him “i will do anything for you to shut the fuck up” and he responded, “nudes?” i thought he was joking so i said, “yeah, sure.” and that was probably the biggest mistake. from that day forward i became practically his slave. if he wanted nudes, even if i stated i didn’t want to send them, i still gave in. if he wanted a sexual favor, i’d give him in.

i’m not going to say i never asked for sexual favors, because there were times when i quite obviously did, but it doesn’t compare to the amount of sexual favors he expected from me. 

now, it gets pretty bad when he started comparing me. he would compare me to other girls bodies and tell me i had to look like that to stay with him. i was just so badly dependent on him that i tried to morph myself into these girls. someone who i just wasn’t. 

i stopped eating to slim myself down and in the process gained terrible self-esteem issues. my day revolved around what i was eating and how much. i needed to be skinnier than i was, i needed to be perfect, i needed to look like those girls to please him. being with rob was probably the lowest i have ever felt in my life.

i couldn’t deal with my stress but i couldn’t tell rob because he openly admitted he didn’t care that i was struggling. so i cut myself all the time, and hid it all behind a smile and jokes. i’d send him pictures of me smiling and all that fun stuff to make him feel accomplished. i feared that i’d make him feel bad so i hid it.

he was tearing me apart but i was so scared of making people feel bad that i hid it from the person that was hurting me. i was never diagnosed with an eating disorder, and i don’t think i had one but all i can really remember is just being so scared. i was a stranger to myself and the voice in my head telling me that it was all alright wasn’t telling the truth. 

it said to me that i was fine and i need this, but i didn’t. and i knew that, but i couldn’t tell myself that that was the truth of the situation. i told myself i was fine when i cried, i said i needed this when i cut, i told myself to do it when i tried to commit suicide. but i couldn’t.

i couldn’t ever pull myself to legitimately pull so much pain on myself that i was going to die all together. i did cut badly, but nothing so bad that i was going to bleed out. i was in nothing but a blur.

and i just kept pushing forward to something i thought wasn’t possible.

where im standing now is a family who acknowledges me enough and a small friend group of amazing people. i do still struggle so badly with mental health, but i have gotten better.

as for rob, he’s out of my life. 

he has been cut from me for nearly 3-ish months now, luckily. 

i’m just here to say, i know i wasn’t fine, i know i wasn’t happy, and i know i didn’t want to be here what-so-ever, but i kept pushing forward. and that’s how i’m keeping it. i’m going to continue to push forward.

i don’t have any intentions of stopping that goal anytime soon.

[ambz1234321-blog]

New year, new post

I remember the first time I realized I was more sad than I’d ever been before

It wasn’t the kind of sad when your heart gets broken and it just aches, it wasn’t the kind of sad when you lose someone close to your heart, it wasn’t the kind of sad when your feelings get hurt over something silly but you take it to heart. It was this awful, gun wrenching kind of sad that was a mixture of every other kind of sad possible. Where you were so sad it turned into a mind out of body experience where I was so lost in the sadness that it didnt seem like there was anything else in existence for a while.

I was 15. You’d think after being deathly sick 9 months prior that I’d be on a kick of loving life and appreciating another chance. It was the exact opposite, however. I went through my cloud nine moment after getting healthy again, I had soo many friends and the cool, older, hot boyfriend who helped me make soo many more friends. I was cool, skinny, pretty. I had it really good for a 15 year old girl. But 15 is a sticky age. A lot of people have a hard time for different reasons but it’s definitely an age where you broaden your horizons, some people more than others, and it isn’t always easy. Peer pressure and the pressure of high school wasn’t really what my issue was. My issue was that I reached this age where I started to realize. Realize how much of my life had been sugar coated, how i really knew nothing about anything, how the only thing that made me so cool and so popular was the fact that me, and everyone else around me, knew nothing. So when I started to realize and learn things about myself that to this day, people still don’t know i know, I realized that I wasn’t anything special, that if people knew me and where I came from, my background, they’d be a lot quicker to judge.

The first time I ever remember thinking why my family was “different” was in 7th grade when a girl asked me if it was true that i was a “test tube baby” since I didnt know my dad. I didnt know what she meant then but i was quick to tell her no.

It was weird. I always knew that I knew my dads name, that i used to see him, that he lived near Eden Drive. There was just these things I knew. Never verified for most my life, but I just knew. People asked me if I was black, spanish, why i looked nothing like my mom. I never knew the right answers but I also never cared because people always loved my tan skin and curly hair. I never cared because I was Queen Bee. I had so many friends that i couldn’t keep up. I was never alone, I was never bored. Which for an only child, I was lucky I had so many good friends around. I remember watching so many friends go through their first heartbreaks. The ones that made them think they were gonna die, never “fall in love” again. The ones that made people hurt themselves because they were so convinced that at 15, it was the end of the fucking world. Out of the blue, I found my end of the fucking world. And holy shit do i wish it was over some stupid fucking boy.

I hate to say this  is where it started but I think it did start because of a boy and a supposed “best friend”. I was the cool girl, with the hot boyfriend, and all the friends. I thought nobody would dare to betray me or backstab me. But they did. My boyfriend and best friend hooked up, he dumped me like a piece of garbage before college because what college boy dates a high school right?? I’m embarrassed that thats where it started but I also, 5/6 years later, have accepted that there’s a lot of things that contribute to why I feel the way I do. No matter how stupid or small. I spent the summer after my sophomore year in my bedroom. I was in and out of the hospital multiple times that summer. I was “dehydrated” or had a "stomach bug” twice a month. I feel stupid for lying but I was “dehydrated” because I’ve always eaten in my room so I’d throw away my food or hide it until I could throw it away. Id lay in the sun for hours without water until I felt nauseous. And then take 16 advil to make me feel better. I tried to be as discreet as possible which was stupid. But nobody caught on so I guess I did fine. I still can’t take the blue advil PM’s to this day because the first time I attempted to OD was with those because they had the most out of all the pill bottles in the cabinet. I puked for 12 hours straight and laid in my bed & on the bathroom floor in a basically acomatose state for 3 days.

I remember slowly falling asleep after taking those advil and having the song Super Rich Kids be on repeat for probably 14 hours till I started puking. I can remember that song faintly playing again and again, for what felt like years. Sometimes it would fade away and I’d swear I was dying. Other times it was blaring.

It still sends chills down my spine every time I hear it.

I tried so hard that summer. I’m still depressed and I hate that after so long I still haven’t gotten better. But then I think about all the things I never would’ve done if I had taken my life that summer.

It became a normal thing for a few months, if i wasn’t taking a bunch of pills to fall asleep, I was cutting myself anywhere I could hide it. I had a playlist on my iPhone 4s called “ill kill myself to one of these.”

The first time someone noticed the cuts on my wrist was a kid in my PreCalc and Trig class. He was friends with a lot of people I was friends with but we never really talked. He saw one day and asked if I was okay. Of course I said I was fine and he grabbed my hand and told me he was always there if I ever needed someone.

If I had a chicken nugget for every time someone has told me they were there if I needed them, Id be 700 pounds and probably happy at that point. But the one thing that was different about him, was someone noticed me for something more than the popular girl, with the big butt, and all the friends. He didn’t care about any of that and was one of the most genuine people I’ve known to this day.

Once school started up again, I felt much better. Always partying, always with friends. But there was still just something driving me crazy deep down. One friday in october, I was home for once on a weekend. And checked my Facebook to find a message from what I thought said, “Alex Lamonaco.” I froze, and looked again to see I was wrong.. It said Alexis Lamanaco. I was so damn confused and wanted to just block this person cause I thought they were fucking with me. But I decided to accept the message. Which was the click that changed so much for me.

I did not think for one second that accepting that message was gonna be opening a door to a whole new world that had been kept a secret from me for a reason.

I wasn’t an only child. (From my dads side). Not only did I find out I had a sister, but a niece on the way. I was in fact half puerto rican. My dad was a piece of shit. My dad was in jail. My dad was in jail for molesting my older sister who’s mom wasn’t as strong as mine to fight for sole custody and she told me she was happy it was her and not me.

We’ve talked on and off ever since. Ive blown her off every time I was supposed to meet her. But she has always been understanding.

My niece is 5 now. My sister is a really good single mom, she reminds me a lot of my own.

Im 19 years old and my mom still denies that she somehow made me with another man who’s half puerto rican. It drives me so crazy that she can’t tell me about our life but after what I’ve learned.. I can’t blame her one bit. I can’t blame her for drinking excessively my life. I can’t blame her for being sad most the time. I can’t blame her for anything. Especially because I’m at the age she was when she had me and I can’t even imagine having to deal with the things that woman did.

I can remember the second time I tried to kill myself like it was yesterday. It was exactly a year and three days ago, in my apartment in Laramie, Wyoming. But I am getting too drunk and crying too much to write about it so ill save that one for another time.

i write this with complete confidence and as good as it fucking feels to write this all out and look at the bigger picture, I’m bawling cause of how far I’ve let this come. I can remember exactly where this sadness started. I can’t remember every thing Ive been sad about because as this disease has taken over me, I’ve began to get sad at everything. No matter how good or bad. I’ve met so many people along the way who claim to be depressed, suicidal, or anxiety ridden. I can now see maybe why people never took me(still don’t take me) seriously about it. I was so good at faking it. I swear I can look at a person and be able to look straight through their fake happiness. But I also would never want to make that assumption because people who feel this awful, will go to such extremes to hide it and make sure nobody can see that side of them. I keep finding excuses for myself. I feel this way cause of this and cause of that.. blah, blah fucking blah. But the only real reason, is come of myself. Ive proved to myself over a handful of times that theres nobody out there who can fix this or help me fix this. But i still can’t find it within myself to help myself when I am the ONLY person who has the ability to do so. So… with that. Im gonna sleep on it.. for the almost 2000th day in a  row. night night.

[apsbicepstraining]

12 Sorts Of Singaporean Girls You’ll Find On Social Media

The cyber world has become pretty interesting ever since social media took over the Internet.

You find different forms of people on social media: some we detest, some we adore and all of which, we stalk.

If youve been active on social media long enough, youll realize that there are certain types of beings on social media.

Instagram, Facebook, Twitter you mention it, these people are everywhere.

Yup, speak to me the 12 all kinds of Singaporean girlfriends on social media TAGEND

The Fashionista

Most commonly seen on Instagram, the fashionista has her Instagram grid filled with pictures of her in hundreds of different outfits, one for every day of the year.

Poses often include stroking their “hairs-breadth”, seeming down on the dirt or um, bridging the road.

Thoughnotprofessional modelings, some of these girls areundeniably lovely, and they become an actual way inspiration to numerous, gaining themselves a strong following on social media.

However, actual fashionistas or not, you cant deny that youre resentful of all the clothes they seem to possess. Sometimes, you cant aid but meditate, “How come they dont appears to re-wear anything? ”

TheNarcissist

Also known as the selfie queen.

Her favoritelineis probably, “But firstly, let me take a selfie.”

This is the girl who fill your social media feed with kills of — you guessed it — herself.

She often posts a multitude of similar photos in different angles of her all dolled up.

In some lawsuits, photos are strategically angled from high-above, holding the wolves of cyberworld the “best view” of her cleavage.

Its simple; girls detest them, guys desire them.

The Drama Queen

This is pretty self-explanatory.

Shes the one who always seems to be engulfed in searing keyboard fightings on social media; she’s the ambassador of indirect tweets and status updates.

Shes a drama magnet, and even if she doesnt lead looking for drama, somehow it always seems to find her.

Take online personality Naomi Neo for example. She has been very vocal and expressive with her speculations, often pencilling it down on her personal blog, without holding back.

This has described her a fair share of fans and haters, but I guess thats the life of a drama queen.

Its drama 24/7 — even if you dont ask for it.

The Fitness Enthusiast

With manner abs and a vivacious butt, this girl has a flesh all the girls dreams of.

A lot more girls are picking up fitness dress, and theyre proud to share it on social media.

Their postsoften include mirror selfies in the gym, yoga constitutes with her shaped boasts get up onor pictures ofher detoxifying juices and eat-clean diets.

We aspire to be like these girls, but deep down, we all know we wouldnt be able to commit to that bearing eat-clean diet for long.

The Foodie

Shell go to every corner and every street in search of hipster cafs. She Instagrams every snack she has, affording mini refreshes on her nutrient blog, Facebook or Instagram.

On Instagram, herpictures are oftens captioned with hashtags like, #foodie #foodporn #instafood.

Warning: Stay away from her chronicles when youre hungry.

The Mom

Shes the one whose kids have absolutely taken over her life — even on social media.

You scarcely witnessed her look on her charts, as they’re always bombarded with pictures of her kids.

Shes likewise filling your Facebook feed with status updated information on her boys milestones and achievements, and sometimes, she shares a little too much datum … like how her toddler exactly crapped all over his pants.

But then again, we simply cant facilitate but assemble her in adoring her little rascals. After all, they are cute.

The Party Girl

These arethe girlswhose Instagramscome alive when most of us are sound asleep.

Photos of them scantily garmented, dancing in societies and mostly raving the night away as they getalcohol spouted into their mouths, are plastered all over their social media.

These are the girls who know how to have a good time and arent afraid to show it.

The Performer

People who say Singapore had not yet been ability apparently hasnt been on social media enough to discover girls like Hashy Yusof andEstelle.Fly.

These ladiestake pride in serenading us via their social media platforms with their melodic voices.

From 15 -second covers on Instagram to full comprise videos on YouTube, these are the girls we cant improve fallingin love with formerly they start singing.

The So-In-Love

This is the girl whos happily in love, and happy to show it to the rest of the world.

Herposts frequentlyproclaim her cherish and gratefulness for her collaborator, get some peoples mane sitting, while manufacturing the rest ofus start, aww, while bidding we had a relationship like hers.

Oh, and not to forget, her sweet papers generally end of with a hashtag created by fusing both of their appoints together.

For those of you who feed off other people happiness and who believe in love, these girls make for great #relationshipgoals.

But if youre experiencing a bad breakup right now or a sour patch in your relationship, you are able to wanna steer clear — at least for now.

The Insurance/ Housing/ MLM Agent

They’rethe ones you receive a Facebook message from out of the blue asking, Hey! How have you been?

Before you know it, you recognize where this is leading to.

These are the girls who use social media as a tool to sell their the insurance policies. First, they play nice and care and ask for a meet up, before finally disclosing their ulterior motives.

The worst role? Its always really difficult and clumsy to reject their proposed meet ups because of the so-called friendship thats there.

They are also frequently posting updates on why you should be insured, or the various types owneds available. Youll know one when you come acrossone.

The Emo

Shes the terminated antonym of the so-in-love girl.

Her social media is made up ofdepressing, emotionally precarious, self-pitying status updates , not to mention psychological mention retweets.

You’ll often find her posting black and white selfies, captioned with something that disappears like, putting on a phony smile when my heart is crying.

This girl probably just got out of a bad break up, so maybe leave her some time, and all the depressing tweets will blow over.

Or alternatively, theres the unfollow button.

The Almost Non-Existent

Lastly, theres the girl who has all the social media histories, but you wonder what for.

There is zero activity on her social media, and you dont notice shes on your best friend roster until three years later, by chance.

We dont know often about herbecause of herlack of work on social media, but we accept she’sprobably using heraccounts merely to stalk other peoples feedto stay “updated.”

So there you have it: 12 types of Singaporean daughters on social media.

Let us know if weleft any out.

The post 12 Sorts Of Singaporean Girls You’ll Find On Social Media appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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[diagnosedasomen]

yeah.

you'll start with a sarcastic "oh, my case was never all that bad,", then continue with "except for the shaking and splitting migraines and paralysis and constant burnout and crying myself to sleep and sobbing and paralysis (and sleep paralysis) and insomnia and suicidal ideation and all that"

and the response is "wait what the fuck I thought you had anxiety and depression"

if you say "I do. I have diagnoses for those things, and those papers and the history all licensed doctors can confirm says that that wasn't the worst of it and that I'm a mild case" they'll argue with you about *your* experiences and a *century* of research.

my case was always that bad, and it was always a mild case.

we still don't know what it actually is and I have had some (relatively) manic episodes.

school, uni, work, everything and everyone argues with me, my psychiatrist and my therapist.

depression is not a mood, it is usually the complete absence of emotions and/or inability to feel positive emotions, inability to sleep, mental impairment and physical weakness.

depression worsens itself.

in fact, it's way past midnight as I'm writing this and the only thing I have felt in the last two months (with the highest possible dosage of both my mood and sleep meds) is a constant, looming, great, cognitive regret.

I'm hunched over, hanging in my chair, and I have no back pain.

all I sense is something missing in my chest cavity, as if my heart was torn out and lays freezing in antarctica and no blood was flowing through my veins.

quite a lot of my time is dissociating or paralysed.

when people argue with me, I'm paralysed and cannot turn my head or speak, trapped in a statue, alone with sharp words and my thoughts.

I'll try to put it into words.

humans have coexisted with trees, rocks, dogs, fire, clouds and the night since we existed.

encoded in our DNA are our shape, our size, our desires and the most confusing and complex object known to mankind, the brain.

encoded in our DNA are the structures in our brain encoding our desires, such as the needs to eat, sleep, drink or reproduce.

we all know trees, rocks and all aforementioned things from birth, but must learn of all other things the world has to offer and cannot yet put anything into words, for we know no words because language formed in the blink of mother nature's eyes.

there is some microemotion attached to everything we interact with, there is a feeling of endless plains, of dense forests and of deep, dark blue lakes and beaches and all things good.

no possible noise could ever sustain the complex visual stimulus of a dozen trees, bushes, mosses, mushrooms or grasses.

when we sleep or we are bored, our GABA levels change, slowing down time.

the current best theory for how and why we dream is noise backpropagation.

a simple of the nigh infinite expanse of our minds is disturbed, affecting nearby neurons which would usually mostly affect it instead, and so those neurons affect others in an unending cascade, and anything in it will go on its merry way doing what it would on a jolly day (at times a fearful or melancholic day)

if, while the orb ponders why it does ponder or others wonder about it, it sees a spider, snake or bear, it will then try to find a known pattern, figure out what that pattern is and finally know and signal to its other sections what it is to cause the appropriate reaction.

so, if the orb at random knows only the fact that it, in that moment, fears, it may come to the conclusion that there must be a spider, snake or bear nearby at random, figure out what its pattern is and recreate that pattern, leading to it seeing that thing in a long feedback loop, until other patterns or feelings overwhelm the previous stimulus.

this means we may see a tree and then remember that tree and that we have seen a tree and that we have seen that tree and so on, or we may feel the emotion of a tree and suddenly one appears in our vision.

if the tree seems strange, being blue or too smooth or too reflective, we will not feel "tree"

depression does not let us feel "tree" at times, and so we will not remember a tree or that we have seen one and we cannot spontaneously perceive a tree.

dreams are important for all forms of digestion and recovery, so when we cannot dream we start to go insane, both because and simply while certain hormones accumulate.

these past few months, I have not felt "tree", "plastic tree", "cherry blossom tree", or any such things.

instead, I have felt empty.

so, it fills the void with what we are most likely to feel in isolation: either loneliness or love.

and so, I dream of my spouse, not because I feel loved in that instant, but rather because I do not feel.

then, it must reason when and where her and I likely would be, in part because imagining nothing by an image is impossible, as its presence or absence, shape or color would be attributes and thus it would not be nothing.

for the last years, I was stressed, and so that is among the most familiar feelings to me.

I associate stress with its sources, such as school or work, and as such those are fleshed out in the inscriptions of the orb, and then tenfold more likely to appear.

the only thing that separates dreams and nightmares is comfort, and the only thing that comforts me is her.

she has saved my life a thousand times just because I know her well.

I still struggle with whatever curses I must bear, but she makes this world and its curses bearable.

if she must go, I will go with her, that is all I know.

in life, you will shed a tear, there will be bloodshed, but life is what you make of it.

at the end of the day, it's night, and I wish upon you good dreams.

I will say it again:

to cease to experience and to cease to ever have been are different, as through ceasing to experience you will inflict pain upon others, and in your final moments time stretches and you will think, and you must live in the pain it inflicts upon others, and though you cannot cease to have been, there would have been no joy nor pain, but were it to end now, that would bring immeasurably more pain than it could ever prevent, and immeasurably more than you tried to bring joy into this world.

you will mourn what could have been and be crushed by regret, so do not cease for as long as you can, and live you life to the fullest.

try until you truly cannot anymore to bring joy into this world, I tell you - we, both you and I and all those around us need it, and if need be you can take your time with it.

everytime i hear someone call depression and anxiety ‘destigmatized mental illnesses’ i wonder how they react when they find out someone has spent weeks or months in bed or struggles to shower or eat

[apsbicepstraining]

12 Sorts Of Singaporean Girls You’ll Find On Social Media

The cyber world has become pretty interesting ever since social media took over the Internet.

You find different forms of people on social media: some we detest, some we adore and all of which, we stalk.

If youve been active on social media long enough, youll realize that there are certain types of beings on social media.

Instagram, Facebook, Twitter you mention it, these people are everywhere.

Yup, speak to me the 12 all kinds of Singaporean girlfriends on social media TAGEND

The Fashionista

Most commonly seen on Instagram, the fashionista has her Instagram grid filled with pictures of her in hundreds of different outfits, one for every day of the year.

Poses often include stroking their “hairs-breadth”, seeming down on the dirt or um, bridging the road.

Thoughnotprofessional modelings, some of these girls areundeniably lovely, and they become an actual way inspiration to numerous, gaining themselves a strong following on social media.

However, actual fashionistas or not, you cant deny that youre resentful of all the clothes they seem to possess. Sometimes, you cant aid but meditate, “How come they dont appears to re-wear anything? ”

TheNarcissist

Also known as the selfie queen.

Her favoritelineis probably, “But firstly, let me take a selfie.”

This is the girl who fill your social media feed with kills of — you guessed it — herself.

She often posts a multitude of similar photos in different angles of her all dolled up.

In some lawsuits, photos are strategically angled from high-above, holding the wolves of cyberworld the “best view” of her cleavage.

Its simple; girls detest them, guys desire them.

The Drama Queen

This is pretty self-explanatory.

Shes the one who always seems to be engulfed in searing keyboard fightings on social media; she’s the ambassador of indirect tweets and status updates.

Shes a drama magnet, and even if she doesnt lead looking for drama, somehow it always seems to find her.

Take online personality Naomi Neo for example. She has been very vocal and expressive with her speculations, often pencilling it down on her personal blog, without holding back.

This has described her a fair share of fans and haters, but I guess thats the life of a drama queen.

Its drama 24/7 — even if you dont ask for it.

The Fitness Enthusiast

With manner abs and a vivacious butt, this girl has a flesh all the girls dreams of.

A lot more girls are picking up fitness dress, and theyre proud to share it on social media.

Their postsoften include mirror selfies in the gym, yoga constitutes with her shaped boasts get up onor pictures ofher detoxifying juices and eat-clean diets.

We aspire to be like these girls, but deep down, we all know we wouldnt be able to commit to that bearing eat-clean diet for long.

The Foodie

Shell go to every corner and every street in search of hipster cafs. She Instagrams every snack she has, affording mini refreshes on her nutrient blog, Facebook or Instagram.

On Instagram, herpictures are oftens captioned with hashtags like, #foodie #foodporn #instafood.

Warning: Stay away from her chronicles when youre hungry.

The Mom

Shes the one whose kids have absolutely taken over her life — even on social media.

You scarcely witnessed her look on her charts, as they’re always bombarded with pictures of her kids.

Shes likewise filling your Facebook feed with status updated information on her boys milestones and achievements, and sometimes, she shares a little too much datum … like how her toddler exactly crapped all over his pants.

But then again, we simply cant facilitate but assemble her in adoring her little rascals. After all, they are cute.

The Party Girl

These arethe girlswhose Instagramscome alive when most of us are sound asleep.

Photos of them scantily garmented, dancing in societies and mostly raving the night away as they getalcohol spouted into their mouths, are plastered all over their social media.

These are the girls who know how to have a good time and arent afraid to show it.

The Performer

People who say Singapore had not yet been ability apparently hasnt been on social media enough to discover girls like Hashy Yusof andEstelle.Fly.

These ladiestake pride in serenading us via their social media platforms with their melodic voices.

From 15 -second covers on Instagram to full comprise videos on YouTube, these are the girls we cant improve fallingin love with formerly they start singing.

The So-In-Love

This is the girl whos happily in love, and happy to show it to the rest of the world.

Herposts frequentlyproclaim her cherish and gratefulness for her collaborator, get some peoples mane sitting, while manufacturing the rest ofus start, aww, while bidding we had a relationship like hers.

Oh, and not to forget, her sweet papers generally end of with a hashtag created by fusing both of their appoints together.

For those of you who feed off other people happiness and who believe in love, these girls make for great #relationshipgoals.

But if youre experiencing a bad breakup right now or a sour patch in your relationship, you are able to wanna steer clear — at least for now.

The Insurance/ Housing/ MLM Agent

They’rethe ones you receive a Facebook message from out of the blue asking, Hey! How have you been?

Before you know it, you recognize where this is leading to.

These are the girls who use social media as a tool to sell their the insurance policies. First, they play nice and care and ask for a meet up, before finally disclosing their ulterior motives.

The worst role? Its always really difficult and clumsy to reject their proposed meet ups because of the so-called friendship thats there.

They are also frequently posting updates on why you should be insured, or the various types owneds available. Youll know one when you come acrossone.

The Emo

Shes the terminated antonym of the so-in-love girl.

Her social media is made up ofdepressing, emotionally precarious, self-pitying status updates , not to mention psychological mention retweets.

You’ll often find her posting black and white selfies, captioned with something that disappears like, putting on a phony smile when my heart is crying.

This girl probably just got out of a bad break up, so maybe leave her some time, and all the depressing tweets will blow over.

Or alternatively, theres the unfollow button.

The Almost Non-Existent

Lastly, theres the girl who has all the social media histories, but you wonder what for.

There is zero activity on her social media, and you dont notice shes on your best friend roster until three years later, by chance.

We dont know often about herbecause of herlack of work on social media, but we accept she’sprobably using heraccounts merely to stalk other peoples feedto stay “updated.”

So there you have it: 12 types of Singaporean daughters on social media.

Let us know if weleft any out.

The post 12 Sorts Of Singaporean Girls You’ll Find On Social Media appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2pJZBI7 via IFTTT

[apsbicepstraining]

12 Sorts Of Singaporean Girls You’ll Find On Social Media

The cyber world has become pretty interesting ever since social media took over the Internet.

You find different forms of people on social media: some we detest, some we adore and all of which, we stalk.

If youve been active on social media long enough, youll realize that there are certain types of beings on social media.

Instagram, Facebook, Twitter you mention it, these people are everywhere.

Yup, speak to me the 12 all kinds of Singaporean girlfriends on social media TAGEND

The Fashionista

Most commonly seen on Instagram, the fashionista has her Instagram grid filled with pictures of her in hundreds of different outfits, one for every day of the year.

Poses often include stroking their “hairs-breadth”, seeming down on the dirt or um, bridging the road.

Thoughnotprofessional modelings, some of these girls areundeniably lovely, and they become an actual way inspiration to numerous, gaining themselves a strong following on social media.

However, actual fashionistas or not, you cant deny that youre resentful of all the clothes they seem to possess. Sometimes, you cant aid but meditate, “How come they dont appears to re-wear anything? ”

TheNarcissist

Also known as the selfie queen.

Her favoritelineis probably, “But firstly, let me take a selfie.”

This is the girl who fill your social media feed with kills of — you guessed it — herself.

She often posts a multitude of similar photos in different angles of her all dolled up.

In some lawsuits, photos are strategically angled from high-above, holding the wolves of cyberworld the “best view” of her cleavage.

Its simple; girls detest them, guys desire them.

The Drama Queen

This is pretty self-explanatory.

Shes the one who always seems to be engulfed in searing keyboard fightings on social media; she’s the ambassador of indirect tweets and status updates.

Shes a drama magnet, and even if she doesnt lead looking for drama, somehow it always seems to find her.

Take online personality Naomi Neo for example. She has been very vocal and expressive with her speculations, often pencilling it down on her personal blog, without holding back.

This has described her a fair share of fans and haters, but I guess thats the life of a drama queen.

Its drama 24/7 — even if you dont ask for it.

The Fitness Enthusiast

With manner abs and a vivacious butt, this girl has a flesh all the girls dreams of.

A lot more girls are picking up fitness dress, and theyre proud to share it on social media.

Their postsoften include mirror selfies in the gym, yoga constitutes with her shaped boasts get up onor pictures ofher detoxifying juices and eat-clean diets.

We aspire to be like these girls, but deep down, we all know we wouldnt be able to commit to that bearing eat-clean diet for long.

The Foodie

Shell go to every corner and every street in search of hipster cafs. She Instagrams every snack she has, affording mini refreshes on her nutrient blog, Facebook or Instagram.

On Instagram, herpictures are oftens captioned with hashtags like, #foodie #foodporn #instafood.

Warning: Stay away from her chronicles when youre hungry.

The Mom

Shes the one whose kids have absolutely taken over her life — even on social media.

You scarcely witnessed her look on her charts, as they’re always bombarded with pictures of her kids.

Shes likewise filling your Facebook feed with status updated information on her boys milestones and achievements, and sometimes, she shares a little too much datum … like how her toddler exactly crapped all over his pants.

But then again, we simply cant facilitate but assemble her in adoring her little rascals. After all, they are cute.

The Party Girl

These arethe girlswhose Instagramscome alive when most of us are sound asleep.

Photos of them scantily garmented, dancing in societies and mostly raving the night away as they getalcohol spouted into their mouths, are plastered all over their social media.

These are the girls who know how to have a good time and arent afraid to show it.

The Performer

People who say Singapore had not yet been ability apparently hasnt been on social media enough to discover girls like Hashy Yusof andEstelle.Fly.

These ladiestake pride in serenading us via their social media platforms with their melodic voices.

From 15 -second covers on Instagram to full comprise videos on YouTube, these are the girls we cant improve fallingin love with formerly they start singing.

The So-In-Love

This is the girl whos happily in love, and happy to show it to the rest of the world.

Herposts frequentlyproclaim her cherish and gratefulness for her collaborator, get some peoples mane sitting, while manufacturing the rest ofus start, aww, while bidding we had a relationship like hers.

Oh, and not to forget, her sweet papers generally end of with a hashtag created by fusing both of their appoints together.

For those of you who feed off other people happiness and who believe in love, these girls make for great #relationshipgoals.

But if youre experiencing a bad breakup right now or a sour patch in your relationship, you are able to wanna steer clear — at least for now.

The Insurance/ Housing/ MLM Agent

They’rethe ones you receive a Facebook message from out of the blue asking, Hey! How have you been?

Before you know it, you recognize where this is leading to.

These are the girls who use social media as a tool to sell their the insurance policies. First, they play nice and care and ask for a meet up, before finally disclosing their ulterior motives.

The worst role? Its always really difficult and clumsy to reject their proposed meet ups because of the so-called friendship thats there.

They are also frequently posting updates on why you should be insured, or the various types owneds available. Youll know one when you come acrossone.

The Emo

Shes the terminated antonym of the so-in-love girl.

Her social media is made up ofdepressing, emotionally precarious, self-pitying status updates , not to mention psychological mention retweets.

You’ll often find her posting black and white selfies, captioned with something that disappears like, putting on a phony smile when my heart is crying.

This girl probably just got out of a bad break up, so maybe leave her some time, and all the depressing tweets will blow over.

Or alternatively, theres the unfollow button.

The Almost Non-Existent

Lastly, theres the girl who has all the social media histories, but you wonder what for.

There is zero activity on her social media, and you dont notice shes on your best friend roster until three years later, by chance.

We dont know often about herbecause of herlack of work on social media, but we accept she’sprobably using heraccounts merely to stalk other peoples feedto stay “updated.”

So there you have it: 12 types of Singaporean daughters on social media.

Let us know if weleft any out.

The post 12 Sorts Of Singaporean Girls You’ll Find On Social Media appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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[raikantop]

This! Just because some ppl online say "everyone's depressed" doesn't make people who actually have severe depression any less important or significant. Its still a mental illness and it takes away people's lives.

everytime i hear someone call depression and anxiety ‘destigmatized mental illnesses’ i wonder how they react when they find out someone has spent weeks or months in bed or struggles to shower or eat