#where wylan does what he needs to so he can finally know

[astrhae]

Hello! I’m late to finding out that you wrote the Anastasia/ tangled au that’s been LIVING in my head for WEEKS, and I just want to say it’s one of the most beautifully written things I’ve ever read and just… I adore everything about the phrasing and the imagery and the way all the references fit together and literally everything about it and that I’m so happy to hear you’re writing chapter three <3

akskdskdsk hi hello!! i'm so glad you're enjoying the fic so much 💙 --- i've been listening to the broadway anastasia soundtrack again and feeling so many things about wylan and the lyrics: halfway between where I've been, and where I'm going // In between wondering why, and finally knowing

it sums up so much about wylan and there's so much to unpack there, and i have almost all the dialogue written for the third chapter, but here's a little snippet for you :)

Wylan tilted his head. “You believe in Saints?” “I don’t believe in Ghezen,” Jesper shrugged. He wasn’t sure he believed in blessings either, but it felt like running in circles: everywhere he tried to run, the memory of the Prince was there, haunting, taunting. “That wasn’t what I asked,” Wylan said, stubborn. The lessons had paid off – Wylan did sound like a Prince. But Jesper had never been good at listening to Princes. Shaking his head, he picked up his hat again and put it on, letting one side drag down more than the other, more than was fair. “Lesson thirteen, princeling,” he replied, “we don’t always get what we ask for.”

[ell0ra-br3kk3r-writes]

The Phoenix and the Crow

part thirty-nine

pairing: kaz brekker x fem!reader

genre: it's pretty angsty, this one...

el's thoughts: i hope yall love this as much as i dooo

masterlist

They’d been blessed with a strong wind. Y/N felt it ripple through her hair that Inej took out of its matted braid. The strength of the breeze was a telltale sign of a storm coming.

As soon as they were on deck, Inej turned to Kuwei.

“How long does she have?”

Kuwei had some Kerch, but Y/N had to translate in places. She did it distractedly, her glittering eyes roving over everyone and everything. Nina stepped in to help translate when the Inferni mentally zoned out every few words.

“The high will last one hour, maybe two. It depends how long it takes her body to process a dose of that size.”

“Why can’t she purge it from her body? Couldn’t Nina help her?” Wylan asked, turning to the Heartrender almost desperately.

“It doesn’t work,” said Kuwei. “Even if she could overcome the craving for long enough to start purging it from her body, she’ll lose the ability to push the parem from her system before it’s all gone. You’d need another Corporalnik using parem to accomplish it.”

“What will it do to her?” asked Jesper.

“You’ve seen for yourself,” Nina said bitterly. “We know what’s going to happen.”

Kaz crossed his arms and finally spoke from where he stood beside Y/N. “How will it start?”

“Body aches, chills, no worse than a mild illness,” Kuwei explained.

“Then a kind of hypersensitivity, followed by tremors, and the craving.”

“Do you have more parem?” Matthias asked.

“Yes.”

“Enough to get her back to Ketterdam?” Kaz followed up.

“I won’t take more,” Y/N protested, hooded eyes flickering up to look at Kaz in refusal.

“I have enough to keep you comfortable,” Kuwei said. “But if you take a second dose, there is no hope at all.” He looked to Kaz. “This is her one chance. It’s possible her body will purge enough of it naturally that the addiction won’t set in.”

“And if it does?”

Kuwei held out his hands, part shrug, part apology. “Without a ready supply of the drug, she’ll go mad. With it, her body will simply wear itself out. Do you know the word parem? It’s the name my father gave to the drug. It means ‘without pity’.”

When Nina finished translating, there was a long pause.

“I don’t want to hear any more please,” Y/N said breathlessly. “None of it will change what’s coming.”

She drifted away toward the prow. Kaz watched her go with an aching heart.

Inej sought out Rotty and got him to dig up the wool coats they left behind in favor of their cold weather gear when they’d landed on the northern shore. She found Y/N near the prow, gazing out at the sea.

“One hour, maybe two,” Y/N said without turning.

Inej halted in shock. “You heard me approach?”

“Don’t worry. It wasn’t those silent feet that gave you away. I can feel your body heat and the warmth from your breath.”

“And you knew it was me?”

“Everyone feels so different. I never realized that before… I was barely able to focus on one person’s heat directly.”

Inej joined her at the rail and handed over Y/N’s coat. The Grisha put it on, though the cold didn’t seem to be bothering her. Above them, the stars shone brightly between silver-seeded drifts of cloud.

Y/N was ready for dawn, ready for this long night to be over, and the journey, too. She was surprised to find she was eager to see Ketterdam again. She wanted a mug of too-sweet coffee while she sat in Kaz’s window seat as he worked at his desk. She wanted to hear the rain on the rooftops while she lay in her warm bed at the Slat. There were adventures to come, but they would have to wait until she’d had a hot bath and a clear mind once again.

Y/N buried her face in her coat’s woolen collar and said, “I wish you could feel what I feel. The warmth from everybody on the ship… was overwhelming at first but now it’s comforting. I can pinpoint where everyone is and just knowing that they’re all safe…”

“I can only imagine,” Inej hummed. “I only hope it brings you a sense of peace.”

“I don’t really deserve peace, don’t you think?” Y/N chuckled coarsely. “I nearly burned down a city, and killed more people, and all I did was complete my assignment as a Ravkan soldier. The Phoenix.”

“That’s a horrendous way to look at this. Don’t do that to yourself.” She scolded the Inferni softly. “You’re so much more than a soldier anyway. You’re a friend to all of us here. You’re a Crow from the Barrel. And I think Kaz sees you as more than another soldier or a friend.”

Y/N felt her cheeks warm and desperately avoided eye contact with the girl beside her. She knew the Crows weren’t blind to what was going on between herself and Kaz, but no one has had time to address the growing bond. She hasn’t even had the time to mentally process what she was feeling. For the first time in her life, she just let her feelings bloom, but now she had to face the facts and think through it all. It was fun to live in a bubble where it was just the two of them in all these life threatening, world changing events where there feelings had no real effect on their lives.

‘What if their feelings were solely caused by the trauma they were forced to face together?’

“I feel the need to tell you that…” Inej let out a breath. “Kaz isn’t one to deal with feelings and things of the like. But with you- You changed him so much. For the better. I’ve seen it already. You communicate with each other between glances and he’s opened up to you in a way I’ve never seen from him. I would even go as far as to say he loves you.”

Y/N’s wide eyes snapped up to look at Inej.

“I wouldn’t lie to you. I’ve never seen him like this in all the years I’ve known him. Y/N you mean so much to him, more than you think you do. Nina even mentioned how his heart beats faster when you’re around but it’s also more sure of itself. You can’t fake that.”

“I…”

“Just think through it. If you need anything, come find us.” Inej gave her the sweetest smile before she turned on her heel and walked back to the others. But as she walked away, Y/N saw she had another reason to depart. Kaz was standing in the shadows near the mast. He had a heavy coat on and was leaning on his crow’s head cane—he looked almost like himself again.

Kaz murmured a few words to Inej causing her to lean back in surprise. Y/N couldn’t make out the rest of what they said, but she could tell the exchange was slightly tense before the Suli girl let her shoulder slouch for a split second as she made her descent below deck.

“What did you say to Inej?” Y/N asked when he joined her at the rail. She tried to ignore the beginnings of a pounding headache.

“I have a job I need Nina to preform.”

Y/N hummed tiredly as they stood together, gazing out at the waved, silence stretching between them.

“We’re alive,” he said at last.

“Some of us more than others but it seems you prayed to the right god.”

“Or traveled with the right people.”

Y/N shrugged. “Kaz Brekker, are you going soft?” He said nothing and she had to smile. “No sharp retort?”

He ran his gloved thumb over the rail. “No.”

“What’s your plan when we get back?”

“When we’re a few miles out, Rotty and I will row to the harbor in the longboat. We’ll find a runner to get word to Van Eck and make the exchange on Vellgeluk.”

Y/N scrunched her nose as she leaned forward to rest her chin in her palm. The island was popular with slavers and smugglers. “The Council’s choice of yours?”

“Van Eck suggested it.”

Y/N frowned, her eyebrows furrowed in thought as she tried to keep her mind active and awear as she spoke with him. She was proud that she remembered the right island when writing her letter to Nikolai before they made it to the Ice Court. ‘Why would the mercher make a call like this?’ “Why does a mercher know about Vellgeluk?”

“Trade is trade. Maybe Van Eck isn’t quite the upstanding merch he seems.”

They were silent for a while. Finally, she said, “I want to own horses again.”

Kaz’s brows furrowed, and he cast her a surprised glance. “Really? Why?”

“I used to ride with my father when I was young. And during my time at the Little Palace, there was always a horse for me to take out. It was my only way of feeling free, and I’ve grown to miss it. Ravkans breed the best riding horses.”

Kaz hummed and looked back out to the stars. Y/N smiled softly at the side of his face and leaned slightly closer to him, her limbs growing heavy. “But we’ll go home first.”

“We will go to Ravka?” He smiled down at her. A smile that she’s noticed was reserved for her and her alone.

A please flush warmed her cheeks. “No,” she chuckled, her speech slightly slurred now. “We will go to Ketterdam. Home first.”

“You should go rest. The drug will begin taking it’s toll on you.”

Y/N shook her head. “I would really rather not be alone right now.” She watched the gears in his head turn as he thought for a moment.

He held his hand out to her, “I’ll wait with you.”

“Don’t you have plans to prepare for and see through?”

“I can spare a few moments.”

She smiled and took his hand slowly, giving him the chance to pull away if he wanted to but he didn’t move. Together, they walked below deck to the large room Kaz had taken ownership of. He brought her to the bed and let her lay down as he pulled the desk chair to the bedside.

Y/N let out a quiet moan as her muscles ached and her bones creaked as she tried to get comfortable under the rough sheets. Her body felt a sudden chill but she could still feel the different body heats through out the ship. Her nose scrunched in discomfort for a short moment before she looked up at Kaz who remained by her side.

No words were exchanged as they stayed in each other’s presence. Y/N silently stared up at Kaz with glossy eyes, admiring the way the light from the oil lamp flickered across his face. Her eyes began to burn and her chest grew heavy.

Kaz turned to her as the sound of her breathing grew labored. An unsettling pit formed in the depths of his stomach, bracing himself for the after-effects of the drug to kick in. “Should I go get Nina or Kuwei?”

He got no response only quiet groans so he decided to just stay at her side.

When the tremors began, she begged him to leave.

“I don’t want you to see me like this,” she said, trying to roll on her side.

He brushed the damp hair from her brow with his gloved hand. He hissed quietly as her skin burned him through the leather fabric. “How bad is it.”

“Bad.” But she knew it would only get worse.

“Do you want to try the jurda?” Kuwei had suggested that small doses of regular jurda might help Y/N get through the day.

She shook her head. “I want… I want— Saints, why is it so hot in here?” Then, despite the pain, she tried to sit up as Kaz walked to push open the small circular window. “Don’t give me another dose. Whatever I say, Kaz, no matter how much I beg. I don’t want to be like them, like those Grisha back there.”

Kaz stayed silent for a long minute. “Y/N… Kuwei said the withdrawl could kill you. I won’t let you die.”

She flopped back down, and her whole body rebelled. Her clothes felt like crushed glass against her burning skin. “I would have killed every one of the druskelle.”

“We all carry our sins, Y/N. I need you to live so I can atone for mine.”

“You can do that without me, you know.”

He reached to her open palm and placed his atop of her’s. “I don’t want to.”

“Kaz,” she said, turning their hands over so she can trace the creases of the black fabric. It hurt. Touching his gloved hand burned her fingertips, but she still did it. She might not ever get to again. “I am not sorry.”

He took her hand and laced their fingers gently. She winced, but when he tried to pull away, she clutched him tighter.

“Stay,” she panted. Tears leaked from her eyes. “Stay till the end.”

“And after,” he said.

“I just want to feel safe again. I want to go home.”

“Then I’ll take you there. We’ll set fire to hay bails in the country side just for fun.”

Y/N looked into his eyes with longing. Longing fora normal life, longing for her pain to go away and longing for him. “Kaz…” Her throat was so raw it hurt to speak anymore. “My Crow.” She smiled tiredly anyway.

Kaz didn’t let his eyes stray from her face as her eyes began to close out of pure exhaustion.

“I think I’m in love with you.”

Y/N could barely make out Kaz’s facial features through her hooded eyes. She watched his eyes squeeze shut and noticed his breathing become shallow as he placed her hand down on the bed beside her.

“My Saint, don’t go.”

taglist: @katherinereid @littlecat21 @jahayla-parker @maliciousbrekker @brekkershadowsinger @brekkers-desigirl @clunaes @wonderland2425 @bookloverfilmoholic @karensirkobabes @bookworm-center @el-de-phi @so-get-this-sammy @skittleabyss @crispy-croke @cometsghost @auttumnsayshi

[its-tea-time-darling]

things i did NOT like about shadow and bone (netflix):

the darkling looks Old. he's supposed to look the same age as all the other main protagonists. this highlights alina's future of staying the same & young where everyone around her dies. it also blurs the line between good and evil more bc 'oh he's the older bad guy' is just such an easy solve. also while ben barnes is a snack imo the darkling was supposed to have a more alluring, youthful magnetism.

making genya's scars barely a few scratches. she's supposed to objectively have lost her former self perfected beauty!!! this is a thing!!! she doesn't just have some deep scars, she's supposed to look hideous at first sight, where is show adaptation teams' courage to show characters that are supposed to be mutilated as just that???? i promise audiences can survive on literally everyone else on the cast being very stereotypically pretty/handsome 🙄🙄🙄🙄

changing wesper's storyline so that they had a one night stand before canon sets in??? what kind of bullshit is that??? fucking robbing me of the "just girls?" -"not just girls" gay ANgST will they won't they, does jesper like him too, will they ever - BAM. KISS. !!!!!!! succession??? making wylan cute and awkward does NOT compensate their book storyline At All what were those show writers thinking??? 😭😭

this one i will forgive but i still rly liked it in the books so im a tad sad they didn't manage to include it: that alina has a time where she thinks she is morozova's second daughter's descendant. in many respects she has learned she is Special, and the shame she feels when she realizes this isn't another one of these cases, this isn't a way to finally show her A Path, that in this respect she is ordinary and mal is tied to fate that way, that's just such a good touch.

malina going seperate ways. what happened to "they had an ordinary life full of ordinary things--if love can ever be called that."????? "choice is true north" my ASS 😤😤😤😤 malina have always been in love and will always be in love idc abt the firebird amplifier thing that was just sth they had to do they've always been people and they've always loved each other there is no way around it

things i DID like about shadow and bone (netflix)

david and genya. specifically the delivery of the lines "I … I don’t understand half of what goes on around me. I don’t get jokes or sunsets or poetry, but I know metal. Beauty was your armor. Fragile stuff, all show. But what’s inside you? That’s steel. It’s brave and unbreakable. And it doesn’t need fixing. You don't need fixing."

genya telling the queen how she poisoned the king, and genya spitting at nikolai how his apologies are of no use and that he needs to prove a better king. generally just genya. 💞

nikolai sending his mother away + what he says to her.

all the malina flashbacks to the meadow <33

malina last night together 😳😳 they love each other sm!!!!!

the scene at morozova's home. baghra sharing her past, all the reveals happening there, and of course the darkling weeping over his mother's body. "know that i loved you. know that it wasn't enough." like OkAY.

sankta neyar's speech. so deeply touching, and doesn't just apply to immortals but to all of us who have been hurt and suffered loss before.

the darkling begging alina to let him be her monster. A+ delivery.

"How will you have me? Fully clothed, gloves on, your head turned away so our lips can never touch? I will have you without armour, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all." generally the entirety of kanej in this show. inej's hallucination. the mirroring to the last scene. breathtaking showstopping flawless.

little rabbit.

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Your analytic posts are the best:) Could you talk a bit about the scene on the roof of the embassy between Inej and Kaz? I have so many questions. They might die, so why does Inej pick that moment to tell Kaz she is leaving the Dregs? Why not wait until they are on the boat? Also why does Kaz rub her wrist (through the gloves, of course) where the temporary menagerie tattoo is? Why does Inej touch Kaz's cheek? And why does Inej tell him she will die unafraid?

Kaz's POV chapter previous to this scene is the only one where he doesn't really think about Inej. He is totally focused on finding Pekka in the prison. So, I was surprised when he said to Inej "I want you to know..." What did he want her to know? (I'm sure with her hand on his face --the first positive physical contact he's had in almost a decade--and her question to him about dying unafraid, his mind was reeling. It's no wonder he couldn't formulate an answer to her question).

Hello and welcome to episode one of DK Finally Gets It Together And Answers Her Asks Because It's About Damn Time (working title)

I am so sorry you sent this such a long time ago, but thank you so much for asking it and I hope my terrible answeringness (that's a word now, I've decided) hasn't put you off my stuff, I promise I'm not ignoring you on purpose, when I first read this I thought it was really interesting and I needed some time to think about it and now it's so long later it might even be a year and yeah, I'm sorry, but I'm here - let's go!

So I think that the reason Inej chooses to tell Kaz she's leaving the Dregs in this moment is for the very reason you voiced: they might die tonight, and they might not see each other again before that happens. Inej comments earlier on in the book, when they get hot chocolate at a cafe in Djerholm and wait for Nina to return, that whenever she talks about Ravka or about going home Kaz turns away and tries to find another conversation - in this case I think he starts chatting to Jesper - so we already have this idea that he doesn't want to confront the truth of the situation, which is that Ketterdam is a very temporary part of Inej's life. For Kaz the city is what fuels him and he needs it to enact his vengeance, but he also never sees himself leaving it after Rollins is dead and I think that's really interesting because he almost doesn't know how to comprehend any other existence - I've spoken before about how I don't think that killing Rollins will ever be enough for him and that his revenge is essentially an addiction. It's possible that he will one day be able to find the future and the relief that he needs in Inej, but right now not only does he struggle to view himself as ever leaving Ketterdam but he also struggles with the idea of being alone there - as far as he can see Nina and Matthias will go home together/find a new home together, Wylan will make peace with his father over whatever their arguement was and return to the Geldstradt, Jesper will pay off his debts only to carry on digging himself in deeper whilst Kaz is forced to watch him destroy himself, and Inej will leave and let Ketterdam become a brief blip in her life. I think that, for all he doesn't want to care about the others, Kaz has a very real fear of being an impermanent, small aspect of the others' lives whilst they are such a big aspect of his. And the most frightening part of that for him is to not have Inej with him anymore, the one person he can confide in, seemingly the only person he talks to without specific job-related purposes except maybe Jesper, and the only person he can remove his gloves on front of - I think this inner conflict is really well presented in the Bathroom Scene when he thinks about how he'd concocted a thousand schemes to bind her to him, but that ultimately he knew he was in the wrong and so he paid off her contract with Per Haskell and returned it to her. But from Inej's perspective, considering she doesn't know how he feels about her at this time, I think this could almost look cold. He doesn't want to know about her home, her life, who she was supposed to be, and what she's going to do with her future, and she may even be internalising the idea that the idea she can pay off her debts then up and leave angers him because we know that she massively internalised his description of her as "an investment" with damaging psycological consequences including her belief that she would not come to save her when she was taken by Van Eck and this even extending so far as the quote "He'll never trade if you break me". This is a gut-wrenching moment in Crooked Kingdom, when Inej is forced to admit that she genuinely believes Kaz will not care about her anymore if he "has no use for me anymore", whilst the reader knows that Kaz is losing his mind over rescuing her.

And all of that, as Kaz points out to himself on Black Veil during the "I would come for you" scene, is borne of real actions he completes that, although in a far less intentional way, actually align with some of the abuse that Inej has endured; the dehumanisation she experienced from being "bought and sold like a bolt of cotton" and the way she was denied her own identity to the point that she almost cried when she heard her own name said aloud can both be directly linked to the multiple times Kaz refers to her as an "investment" and the way he doesn't want to hear about her life. And his intentions are never to hurt her in the way he does or in the way she was hurt in the past, but it is also more than possible that some of this is part of the way Kaz distances himself from the others and pushes them away. There's a quote I think about a lot when Inej is horrified to see that Jackal masks, sacred symbols to Suli religion and culture, are sold like "party favours" and worn by pleasure seekers in Ketterdam and Kaz dismisses her emotions, and he then says "In moments like that, she thought he might hate him". I remember reading that and thinking 'yeah, because you just defended the appropriation of her culture, which she herself was forced to appropriate for a year whilst enduring horrific abuse, it would be more than fair to be mad at you right now' but I wonder whether that's almost what he wanted? I talked about it in my "Treasure of my heart" analysis as well where he uses a sarcastic expression of his real feelings to mock her so that's she'll be upset and he come somehow justify that it's therefore not worth liking her because she doesn't return his feelings; it's a self-destructive mechanism, but without meaning to it has the potential to hurt Inej as well.

Wow, if there were awards for tangents I think I'd win them. But my point here is that I think this is exactly why she chooses to tell him in this moment, because she has to say it and she has to make him hear it in case they don't make it out the other side of this night. It's also possible that Inej wants to have her dream said out loud in case she dies tonight. Although she was unable to voice it to Nina because she didn't think it was ready to be shared, that was when they were still following the original plan. Now that everything has spiralled very quickly out of control and into a new, far more daring plan with a lot more moving parts, and that will directly involve revealing themselves to be infiltrating the Ice Court, Inej knows there's a very good chance she won't survive the night. And if she isn't going to make it, she needs someone to know what she intends to do, it needs to be said out loud so that it's real and it means something.

Wondering what Kaz wanted Inej to know is one of the things about these books that has at some point or other kept me awake at night, and honestly my personal final conclusion is that I don't think he knew what he was going to say, but that I think this could have been his first attempt at a confession. This scene bears explicit parallels to the Bathroom Scene in Crooked Kingdom, as you said it's the first time they touch and both of them are greatly vulnerable in each moment; this is a moment of fear, of trust, of realisation, and I think for both of them it arguable is to some extent a confession. I think Inej tells Kaz that she will die unafraid as almost the beginning of what eventually becomes "I will have you without armour", she is directly challenging him in the way he hides his emotions but she has still seen them, and she directly telling him that she is trying to heal and that they only have a chance if he tries to heal as well. Inej doesn't tell Kaz she will only have him without his armour to say that he isn't good enough for her as he is or that he needs to fix himself alone for the final goal of being with her, but she is saying that if he continues down this path and never lets anyone help him and never makes any attempt at healing, that she will not be able to stay with him because she has to try to heal as well and she knows she would have to pull herself away from that situation to be able to do so. I really hope this makes sense. But I think that the touching of Kaz's cheek and the touching of the temporary menagerie tattoo could very much be linked to this idea that the confession has begun or will be coming and I also think it bears resemblance to the Bathroom Scene and I really adore that as a paralell

Thank you so so much for your question, I am so sorry about how long it has taken me to respond but I hope that this was interesting and made sense. And I am planning on continuing to work through my inbox moving forwards, so stay tuned for episode two, and please don't be put off form keeping asks coming I promise I am making my way through them! <3

[rhiannons-bird]

okay so I‘M FINALLY READING SWORD CATCHER AND I HAVE THOUGHTS

I‘m only about halfway through but I need to rant

- it‘s incredible how well cassie manages to lend a unique voice to each of her characters every single time. she just doesn’t miss does she?

- lin caster is the awesomest girl. i just love her because she reminds me of other cc girls in the way that she is kind of a very typical heroine on the surface but you can actually feel her emotions and she’s very believable & flawed & human and you just can’t help rooting for her + i love her friendship with mariam

- everyone is bisexual & it’s completely normalised i love it here

- lin & conor??? apparently they are the flagship which I know because I took a peek at the tag after they had two scenes together because the ENERGY OMG

- ahh yes, conor 😌 another pretty man with issues who’s in a lot of trouble and likes to cover it up with sarcasm, pompous behaviour, fancy clothes & vanity- you just can’t help but love it

- but also he‘s the biggest prick and i want him to have some sense beat into him by everyone around him

- like he qualifies for a huge growth arc but it could also go downhill and turn into sth ugly

- anyone had a weird sense of déjà vu about him and lin after that one little excerpt about adessa and suleman? like, she’s an ashkar with probably immense magical potential let’s be real i see where this is going and he‘s a prince (future king) with marivent blood 🤔🤔🤔

- conor‘s frat boy posse make my blood boil- especially with the way they talked about antonetta in that one scene 🤢🤮

- falconet is the nicest one by far but he‘s sus as hell i know he’s up to sth 🤨 but i rly wanna like him 😭

- the ragpicker king is just a cool dude who dresses emo and has people murdered on the regular i guess i love him. he’s hot. - kaz energy but also very different at the same time. can‘t wait to see more of him. and there’s def more to him.

- also no, andreyen, i don‘t understand either what people mean about ji-an having an off putting manner i‘m pretty convinced she‘s never done anything wrong in her entire life 💗except for the murder what murder

- kel can only be described as a calmly unhinged cinnamon roll. he reminds me a little of james (especially with his „mask“) but if you orphaned him & janked up the loyalty & sluttiness by a hundred

- like fr he is so confused just running around threatening and/or kissing people wtf 😭✋🏼 he just has chemistry with everyone he interacts with lol

- kel & conor remind me of matthew & james but if there was a big power imbalance and a everything is a little more fucked up 🙃

- generally the way power & power dynamics are portrayed and handled is very interesting i like it

- antonetta has my entire heart ❤️

- I need more of her but as an individual not just through kel‘s pov, so far i’m not very big on whatever is being hinted at with her and kel

- I adore merren just like everyone else, he‘s kind of giving a weird mix of christopher/matthew/wylan and I‘m here for it. plus: autism coded character yeass

- also nice to see some jewish rep. (i did not know cassie was jewish before lol) the ashkar are really interesting (& as far as their treatment by the rest of the world goes at times infuriating😤) to read about and add a lot of depth to the world building.

- i love how we see the complexities of their culture portrayed through lin who on the one hand is deeply ingrained in it and holds/has received a lot of love & care for/from her own people while also having been wronged & ostracised by them and how both can be true simultaneously

- as someone who‘s very familiar with multiple romance languages the languages in this book are incredibly entertaining to me

- SO MANY SECRETS & political intrigue hehehe rubbing my little hands together can’t wait for all this to escalate (because it most certainly will) 😈

bottom line

I’m really glad i finally started reading this.

it took me a while to get into it & I’m still holding out on a final judgement since it seems very slow but i’m a patient reader and i appreciate a good setup.

also I want a creepy black crocodile pool in my house now.

[rose-sophia-isabella-rogers]

A Tale of Stolen Hearts: Chapter XV - There's No Me Without You

Chapter Summary: Can you save Aleksander from Alina, her followers… and himself?

Pairing: Aleksander Kirigan/Reader, Wylan Hendriks/Jesper Fahey, Alina Starkov/Mal Oretsev, David Kostyk/Genya Safin, Ivan/Fedyor Kaminsky

Characters: Aleksander Kirigan, Reader, Zoya Nazyalensky, Tolya Yul-Bataar, Kaz Brekker, Wylan Hendriks, Nina Zenik, Inej Ghafa, Jesper Fahey, Alina Starkov, Mal Oretsev, Nikolay Lantsov, Tamar Yul-Bataar, David Kostyk, Genya Safin, Baghra Morozova, Nadia Zhabin, Adrik Zhabin, Ivan, Fedyor Kaminsky

Word Count: 3986

A/N: This chapter contains a bit of the plot from episodes seven and eight of season two. Enjoy!

Tag list (let me know if you want to be added or removed):

@budugu

@intothesoul

@mizelophsun11

@pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy

@zeeader

With the Neshyenyer in your hands, you set off to Ravka. Once you get closer to Prince Nikolay's base, you have to split up. Aleksander has once more expanded the Fold. Men go to help out the attacked soldiers and Grisha, while the women search for Alina Starkov.

You finally find her, about to be taken away by a nichevo. Inej saves her with the Neshyenyer and they hug, happy to be reunited.

'Yes, yes. Happy reunion,' Zoya says, making Alina and her male companion, who you were told is called Mal, look up and see her on the ship. 'Can we get on with it?'

'Zoya, thank you,' Alina says, grateful. 'If you'd been a moment later, we- Oh, hello.'

Nina has showed up next to Zoya. Alina did not expect new faces.

'You know I'm not one to resist dramatic timing,' Zoya says.

'I remember you,' Alina says to Nina. 'You were on the ship to Ketterdam.'

'Nina Zenik,' Nina introduces herself. 'Heartrender. Big fan.'

'He's in the Fold,' you say to Zoya, showing up next to her. Alina and Mal are surprised to see more unknown people.

'You I don't know,' Alina says. You smile wryly.

'[Y/N] [L/N], also a Heartrender,' you introduce yourself. Mal and Alina look at you with wide eyes.

'Sankta [Y/N]?' Mal asks in awe. You roll your eyes. Nina chuckles next to you, while Zoya smirks.

'I wish people would stop calling me that,' you groan. 'Anyway, don't we have things to do?'

'We need to get further into the Fold to destroy it,' Alina says, nodding.

'Hop on then,' Zoya says. Mal grabs Alian's arm when she's about to go and they have a quiet conversation. Then Mal grabs his gun that's on the ground and they follow Inej onto the ship. Since it's a flying ship, you get into the air and fly, with Zoya's help, toward the heart of the Fold. Alina's sun abilities protect you from the Volcras. Not that they don't try to kill you.

'So, what's your plan now?' Zoya asks you.

'You know me,' you answer. 'I'm going to improvise.'

'Do you know where more or less is he?' Zoya asks. 'I wouldn't like to suddenly be attacked by his nichevo'yai.'

'He's there,' you answer. 'At the heart of the Fold. The closer we get, the louder is his heartbeat.'

'Great,' Zoya murmurs. 'He's planning a sneak attack, then.'

'Well, so are we, right?' Nina, who knows about your plan to occupy Aleksander, says. 'He does not expect [Y/N] to be with us.'

You force a smile. Alina tells Zoya to keep going in this direction. You are close. You can feel and hear it, too.

'Zoya… if everything goes well and you won't find us… don't look for us,' you say quietly, looking at the Squaller. She looks at you for a moment.

'You have my word,' she promises. 'Just make sure he won't be a threat to Ravka again.'

You nod, also promising to her. Nina takes your hand and squeezes it. You send her a smile. If anyone can understand you it's her, who's fallen in love with a Fjerdan.

Soon you are descending. You are at some ruins. You get down from the ship. You take in a deep breath, preparing for the coming confrontation. You're a little scared, because you will have to leave Alina's sun protection. But you hope you can manage a few attacking Volcras.

'Well, good luck, then, Miss Starkov,' you say and march toward the place you can hear the sound of Aleksander's heartbeat coming from.

'Where are you going?' Alina asks, puzzled. Mal is surprised as well. Inej frowns. You haven't told her what you're planning to do.

'To occupy certain Shadow Summoner, so you could destroy the Fold,' you answer, not stopping.

'He's here, then,' Alina says, her face hardening.

'Wait, on your own?' Mal asks, frowning. You stop and send him a small smile from behind your back.

'He won't hurt me,' you assure him and resume walking. 'But Volrcas might.'

'How do you even know he's there?' Alina asks. You stop but don't turn.

'Because I know he's heartbeat like I know my own,' you answer. 'I've been hearing it ever since we entered the Fold. I'll occupy him, but you must hurry.'

'What is he to you?' Alina asks, frowning. You turn your head. You smile at her sadly with tears in your eyes.

'He is my universe,' you answer and continue walking.

'After all of this is done, I'll tell you their tragic love story,' you hear Zoya's voice. 'My favourite part is when she's almost sacrificed by some weird cultists.'

You smile, happy that Zoya is still the same as you knew her years ago. You brace yourself. You take in a deep breath and leave the safe cocoon of Alina's powers. No more turning back now. Time to have a serious conversation with one Aleksander Kirigan.

*

Aleksander watches from the shadows how Alina and Mal, who's turned out to be an amplifier, embrace and kiss. Alina's powers manifest, more powerful and beautiful than ever before. At first, he is in awe at that display. But then he remembers how he kissed someone like that. His heart clenches. How he wants to do that again…

'Wishing it was you instead of Mal?' he hears a familiar voice behind him. But it can't be. You're not here. It is just his imagination playing tricks on him.

'I wish we could kiss like that again,' he says, so much desperate to hear your voice he's willing to play along with his imagination. 'You and me.'

'Well, I'm not stopping you,' you say. Aleksander takes in a deep breath and turns, fully expecting not to find you here. And yet he knows he will feel disappointment. However, you are here. Standing not far away from him with a soft smile on your face.

Aleksander blinks. His imagination is better than he thought. He can actually see you. Or maybe he has actually completely gone mad. A small flicker of hope ignites in him, suggesting him it's actually you. But he crushes it completely. Hope is a lie. An illusion.

'You say you want to kiss me and yet you stare at me like I'm a stranger,' you say, trying to mask your hurt. 'I seem remember you telling me we can't go back to how we used to be.'

Aleksander frowns. But he still doesn't believe it. He can't take it. He closes his eyes.

'Why are you tormenting me?' he asks. 'You're not real. Go away.'

You stare at him, blinking. Slowly, you understand.

'Am I to understand you often have visions of me?' you ask. 'Should I be flattered or worried?'

'Go away,' Aleksander whispers. 'I can't… do this now. I have to…'

'Aleksander…' you say softly and bring your hands together. Aleksander gasps when his heart speeds up a bit and then slows down. He opens his eyes wide. You smile slightly with tears in your eyes.

'I am here,' you say. 'I'm real. See for yourself.'

You extend your hand to him. He stares at it, still not wanting to believe it.

'Oh, come on, you idiot,' you say, not sure if you're more irritated or amused. 'Just take it.'

Aleksander flinches. Hesitantly, he takes a step forward. Then another. And a few more. Finally, his hand is above yours. He is still for a moment. Then, he slowly touches your hand. You smile and almost cry, happy to finally feel him again.

Aleksander, on the other hand, is shocked. He can actually feel you. He grabs your hand. He still feels it. He looks up at you, startled.

'[Y/N]…' he whispers. 'It's… it's really you.'

'Hello, Aleksander,' you say and chuckle. 'Long time no see.'

You gasp when you're suddenly pulled into an embrace. Tears fall from your eyes. You shut them close and hug him tightly. You finally feel safe and sound.

'You're actually here,' Aleksander whispers and pulls away slightly, just to look into your face. He's crying as well. You smile and nod. He leans down and his lips touch yours. You sigh and return the kiss.

'Oh, how I longed to kiss you,' he whispers and joins your lips again. But you both need to breathe, so after a moment he pulls away. As if remembering something, he quickly turns his face. Yours softens, when you understand why he did that.

'Aleksander,' you say quietly, cupping his cheek. You force him to turn his face, but he avoids your eyes. With your other hand you trace the scars on his face. He flinches but doesn't pull away.

'You're still handsome to me,' you say. 'And I'm not just saying that. Feel for yourself.'

You take his hand and place it on your chest. He can feel your heart beating fast. He manages a weak smile. Then, he stiffens. He grabs your arms, looking at you with alarm.

'What are you doing here?' he asks. 'If you're seen…'

'Well, my banishment hasn't been officially revoked… but I got a promise it will,' you explain. 'I did what I was supposed to for that, so I'm safe.'

'What did you do?' Aleksander asks, frowning. You shake your head.

'It doesn't matter now,' you say. He nods.

'You're right,' he says and kisses your hands. 'I can't wait to catch up with you. But there's something I must do first.'

'Face Alina Starkov?' you ask. 'Expand the Fold? Destroy your enemies? Really, Aleksander.'

Aleksander clenches his jaw. He caresses your cheek.

'I don't expect you to understand,' he says. 'Not now. Give me a moment and I promise I will explain everything to you. Just… please, wait.'

'I did,' you say, hurt creeping into your voice. 'I waited for you. But you didn't show up. You promised to come and you never did.'

Aleksander looks away in shame. He knows what you mean. You were supposed to meet some time ago. But he didn't. Because he met Alina and focused on her.

'I'm sorry,' Aleksander says quietly. 'I know I hurt you. That was never my intention.'

'Then why did you do this?' you ask, shaking your head. 'Why are you doing all of this?'

'I didn't want you to be in danger,' Aleksander answers. 'My plans to expand the Fold… my enemies could use you against me, hurt you. That's why I pushed away. But know that every day without you was agony.'

'How can I believe you?' you ask. 'I heard rumours, you know. That you and Alina got really close. I mean, I'm not surprised. You finally found your equal. But I deserved at least a proper explanation.'

'It was never like that. Alina… She charmed me, yes. But you're the one who stole my heart, remember? My little thief. I wanted her to trust me. To rely on me. So we could together make this world a better place for Grisha. That's why I'm doing all of this.'

'And how did that work out? Because of your expansion of the Fold, Grisha were hunted in Ravka. Now you have them divided. You forced them to fight against each other. This is not the way, Aleksander.'

'Sadly, there is no other way. Not for me.'

'Then let someone else look after the Grisha. You've done enough for them. I'm not justifying what you did centuries ago. But I wasn't there, I can't judge your decision. However, I know that you created a safe place for Grisha and looked after them. But maybe it's time for another way. For another person to take over.'

Aleksander stares at you. His face is blank.

'You know, then,' he says.

'That you're the Black Heretic?' you ask. 'Yes. I just wish you told me that yourself. Why didn't you? Were you afraid I would leave? Or wouldn't understand?'

'Both, I think,' Aleksander answers. You take his hands in yours.

'No matter what you did, I will always love you,' you say. 'I promised you that, remember? I stay by it. You made me feel loved for the first time. You fought for me. Let me fight for you now. Please. Please, I can't fight against you. But don't make me fight against my friends, either.'

Tears fall from your eyes again. Aleksander swipes them away with pain in his eyes. He hates to see you hurt. And now he's the cause of this…

'No matter what I do, this is the end for me,' he says. 'I-'

He suddenly starts coughing. He bends over and can't stop. You grab him, worried.

'Aleksander?' you ask. 'Aleksander! What's wrong?!'

'It's the price… for creating them…' he says between coughs. 'Nichevo'ya. For using merzost.'

He lifts his head and looks at you. Slowly, you touch his chest. Your lip trembles.

'You're dying,' you whisper. 'It's polluted you. Oh, Aleksander, why? Why did you do this to yourself? Why did you create them?'

'To see you,' Aleksander answers, surprising you. 'When I was in the Fold… alone… surrounded by Volcras… all I could think was how much I wish I could see you one more time. And I created them. To help me find my way to you.'

'You're just saying this to manipulate me,' you whisper after a moment. Aleksander shakes his head. He cups your face.

'I have never tried to manipulate you,' he promises. 'Check my heartbeat. You know I can't lie to you.'

You barely hold yourself together. You touch his chest again and focus on his body.

'If I could… save you…' you say slowly, '… what would you do?'

'What would you want me to do?' Aleksander asks, caressing your cheek. You think about your hallucination.

'We could go to Novyi Zem,' you say. 'We could both start over. Somewhere where no one knows us. We could be anyone. We can leave all of Ravka's business to Prince Nikolay and Alina. And others. We could just… finally be together.'

'Is it really what you want?' Aleksander asks quietly. You look him in the eyes.

'I just want you,' you answer and gulp. 'Please. I can't lose you.'

'They won't let us leave,' Aleksander says after a moment. You shake your head.

'Zoya promised they would,' you answer. Aleksander is surprised by it. You cup his face, looking at him pleadingly.

'Tell me what do you want, Aleksander,' you say. He takes in a shaky breath. He looks you in the eyes.

'I want… I want to… find peace,' he finally says quietly. 'And for a moment, I swear I did. With you. But then… the royal family took you from me. Killing the King and his oldest son was pleasure because of this.'

'We can be together now,' you say. 'Please… If I can give you peace again… let me do it.'

'There is nothing than I want more,' Aleksander says and shakes his head. 'But even if I said "yes"… merzost can only be undone by more merzost… and I can't let you do this.'

'You forget about two things,' you say. 'First: I'm the most powerful Heartrender you've ever met. And since merzost is now polluting your body, I can manipulate it. Two: I'm also the best thief you've ever met. I am going to steal that merzost from your body.'

Aleksander can't help but smile. You look at him pleadingly. He takes in a shaky breath. He nods.

'Alright,' he says. 'Give it a try. If you succeed… we'll go together to Novyi Zem. And start over together.'

You smile through your tears. Just then the Fold around you disappears. You both look up and see sky and sun.

'She did it,' you say in awe. Then you straighten up. You put your hands over his chest and focus. You can feel merzost in his body. You force it to comply to your will.

Aleksander gasps and groans. A momen later a nichevo forms in front of you. Your eyes go wide. It hovers menacingly over you.

'Leave her alone!' Aleksander shouts, panicked. 'No!'

'You can't control them, can you?' you ask, seeing the nichevo is still preparing to attack you.

'Not when they think someone is threatening me,' Aleksander says and looks at you pleadingly. 'Stop it. Please. Before it will…'

He doesn't end the thought. You push your will on merzost harder. Aleksander screams. Nichevo throws itself at you.

*

Alina and others stare at the sky and laugh in joy. Alina and Mal hug tightly. Then others join them.

'So, she actually did it,' Mal says. 'She occupied Kirigan.'

'Looks like it,' Zoya says. 'Nina, can you hear-'

'INEJ!' they hear a terrified scream. Inej's head snaps toward it. Her eyes go wide and she bolts forward. Others look where she looked and gasp.

You're both on your knees now. Aleksander desperately tries to keep the nichevo away from you, while you try to quickly free him from merzost. You nearly scream when nichevo pounces on you. Aleksander does scream.

But then nichevo is destroyed. You see Inej with the Neshyenyer raised, breathing heavily. You exhale, relieved.

'Thank you,' you gasp. She nods. You notice others joining her. They all frown at you. Aleksander grunts and his head falls on your shoulder.

'Shh… I know, I know,' you whisper. 'I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…'

'What are you doing?' Nina asks, frowning.

'He's dying,' you answer after a moment. 'Because of merzost. I'm trying to get it out of his body.'

You bite your lip. Your body is straining itself. It is not easy to heal Aleksander. Merzost is fighting back. But you have never backed out of a challenge.

You don't even notice when more people arrive. Prince Nikolay, Kaz, Jesper, Wylan, Tolya, his sister Tamar, David, Genya Safin, Aleksander's mother Baghra, Nadia Zhabin and her brother Adrik and few soldiers from the First Army. They all stare at you, stunned.

'[Y/N] [L/N],' Nikolay says, frowning.

'She helped us get the Neshyenyer,' Tolya says quickly.

'And she's being occupying Kirigan while I was destroying the Fold,' Alina adds. Nikolay looks at them and then nods.

'But what is she doing now?' Wylan asks. 'Is she killing him?'

'On the contrary,' Zoya denies. 'She's trying to save him.'

'Why would she do that?' Jesper asks, puzzled.

'Because he's her universe,' Nina answers with a small, sad smile. Others but the ones that were in Shu-Han barely understand it. Well, they do understand you must love him, but the full meaning of it only your companions understand.

Trying to get merzost out of Aleksander is keeping you so focused on it you don't really hear the conversation around you. It's hard. So very hard. You feel your whole body straining, your breath becomes short and laboured. Your eyes are clenched shut. Drops of sweat form on your forehead and fall down your cheeks. Aleksander cups your cheek and presses his forehead to yours, also breathing heavily.

'[Y/N], please, stop,' he whispers. 'You're going to kill yourself. Please, just let me go and live your life. For me.'

'You can be so daft sometimes,' you whisper and open your tears-filled eyes. 'There's no me without you.'

Aleksander looks at you with pain, tears in his eyes as well. You close your eyes. But a moment later you open them again with a gasp, when you feel a sudden surge in power in you. You turn your head, surprised.

Baghra stares at you with so many emotions in her eyes. Her hand is on your arm. She's amplifying you. Aleksander is stunned by it as well.

'Mother?' he gasps. Baghra smiles slightly.

'Hush, child, and let her do what she set out to do,' she says and looks at you. 'I must say, you may be the only person who made my son kneel.'

You laugh at that. Aleksander looks at you fondly.

'There's no one like her,' he says quietly. You smile at him and close your eyes again. A second later you feel his lips pressed to yours and feel even more amplified. You would gasp from the feeling of power if your lips weren't occupied.

Others watch in awe how you pull merzost from Aleksander's body. He's gasping and grunting in pain. Your hands move, fighting with the thing polluting him. While some have mixed feelings about saving him, they can't bring themselves to stop you, seeing how much you fight for him, even at the cost of your own health.

Finally, a black viscous substance leaves his body and he takes in a deep breath. He's stunned how well he suddenly feels. His strength is back in him.

'You did it,' he says to you, stunned. He wants to kiss you, hug you and hide you from the world. But then you wheeze weakly and fall into his arms. He barely manages to catch you.

'[Y/N]?!' he asks, panicked. He turns you to see your face. He's terrified to see how pale you are. Your breath is short and your heartbeat slow. He knows this time you're not faking it.

'Saints, no, don't do this to me again, [Y/N],' he pleads, tears back in his eyes. 'Please!'

You don't hear much after that. You don't know what is happening around you. You don't feel how your body is moved in different position. But suddenly you feel your life coming back to you, causing you to open your eyes with a gasp.

'Saints, [Y/N],' Aleksander says with relief. You look at him and touch his tear-stained cheek. You smile and caress it. He grabs your hand and turns his head to press a kiss to it.

'Are you okay?' he asks quietly. You nod.

'I just need a nap,' you assure him. 'This nap may or may not take a few days.'

Aleksander chuckles at that. Then you notice four people kneeling around you, the reason your life didn't end. Nina, Genya and two familiar Heartrenders.

'Fedyor! Ivan!' you exclaim happily, pushing away from Aleksander, who is taken aback by that. You throw your arms around your two friends. Fedyor laughs at that and hugs you back. Ivan as well, but without laughing.

'Where have the two of you been?' you ask. 'I was really surprised not to find you two glued to this one here.'

'Ah, yes, someone got injured in the Fold and it took time for him to recover,' Fedyor says, glancing at Ivan, who indeed has some scars on him. 'And when we got here, the party was over.'

'Be glad it was,' Zoya murmurs. Just then you notice another familiar face.

'David!' you laugh and stand up to hug smiling David. 'You're here, too!'

'It's good to see you, too, [Y/N],' David says. Your smile falls when you notice something. Mal is eyeing Aleksander cautiously, his hand gripping tightly his gun.

'Mal, point that gun at Aleksander and I will kill you very painfully,' you threaten, causing everyone to jump. 'Then Alina will kill me and Aleksander will kill her, then someone will kill him and probably there will be more dead bodies. So, put that away. No more dead bodies for today.'

Mal reluctantly takes his hand from his gun. You nod, satisfied. Just then you feel the adrenaline leaving you.

'I think I need to take that nap now,' you say and spread your arms. 'Kiri, catch me.'

Aleksander throws himself to you as your legs give out. He barely manages to catch you before you hit the ground. He sighs, exasperated.

'You're still not done with that nickname?' he asks.

'After the chaos you created?' you ask. 'You deserve at least me using that nickname.'

Aleksander shakes his head, but there's a fond smile on his face. You return it and feel sleep taking you in its possession.

A/N: Thank you for reading! Let me know your thoughts! Reblog, like and comment if you could.

This can also be found on Archive of Our Own: https://archiveofourown.org/works/47256868/chapters/120767452

[wh0refornikolailantsov]

*slams debit card on your desk* MORE HIGHSCHOOL AU *slams repeatedly* I NEED MORE HIGHSCHOOL BABIES *grabby hands* - Bestie xox

I- OKAY I GUESS, anything for you the light of my life

Between Classes And The Bell: For One Night Only - Tolya Yul Bataar.

Content Warnings: High School Premise. I Don't Know What To Put For This One Honestly, Just High School Drama Club Fluffy Shit. Not Proof/Beta Read. Possibly Explicit Language, I Do Not Remember.

So I have been under the weather to say the least, but I am feeling a little better so this one is only a short one but enjoy xx

Highschool AU Masterlist

"Is this the part where you say I cannot believe you dragged me into this?" You ask.

"You did not drag me into this," Tolya reassures you. "I want to be here."

"You sure?" You check. He nudges your shoulder.

"I need to see this finale Wylan was talking about," Tolya says, "I think there is going to be regret for allowing him to do it."

"I'm not convinced he is allowed, I think he might just be doing it anyway," you laugh.

You can see Wylan to the side, hanging in the wings, Jesper is pacing around making sure everyone is where they need to be. Jesper spots his boyfriend and pulls him into a goodluck kiss.

"I think it's going to be fantastic," you look away from Jesper and Wylan, giving them some privacy in this moment even though you're sure Jesper wouldn't mind, you've seen him make quite the show of his Wylan. Any opportunity to show him off and he does, the genius, the musician, potential arsonist.

You watch Tolya disappear to grab you both refreshments and you recieve a gentle elbow to the ribs. You whip your head around to be met with Nadia's gleaming smile. "So," she coaxes, gentle but commanding at the same time, "tell me everything."

"Everything?" You punctuate the single word question with confusion in every syllable, genuinely unaware of what she is wanting from you.

"You and Tolya," she continues, "don't spare me the details." Nadia throws a quick look over her shoulder to Tamar who is sipping on her Sprite. "Okay maybe spare me some details for Tamar's sake but spill," she extenuates the last letters with a drone and finishes with that oh so eager grin.

"Babe," Tamar says, moving her ice around her cup with her straw, "there's not going to be any real details to tell. Tolya doesn't really... do that."

Nadia's frown is all confusion and no judgement. "Doesn't do that?" Nadia asks. "Like at all?"

"Intimacy, romance, they're not really his thing," Tamar says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. "He prefers books."

Nadia looks to you, like she is expecting some kind of reaction, but you shrug. "Tamar isn't wrong," you don't want to put labels to it, especially with the way Tolya hasn't done that for himself, so you just shrug, "his interests lay more in companionship, good company, debates on if Haiku's are a talent or a mediocrity." You can tell what Nadia wants to ask, but she cannot find the right words to ask it, how can someone ask if that bothers you without sounding like an insensitive prick? So you save her the indignity of trying. "I think that just makes me like him more, knowing he isn't spending time with me for the wrong reasons, knowing that he really just likes my company."

"And you don't... find yourself wanting more?" Nadia asks. Tamar herself leans in a little at this, she doesn't doubt you, and your genuine feelings for her brother, but that little bit of big sister concern has her needing to hear your answer.

You shake your head. "I like what Tolya and I have," you say honestly, "I want nothing more than anything he wants, and I'm just grateful that he sees the same thing in me that I see in him."

"They're an unconventional couple," Tamar shrugs, "but Tolya is an unconventional guy, I thought he wouldn't ever bother dating because of his preference of romance in poetry than in real life. But I am glad he found you," Tamar gives you a smile, "it's nice that he has someone that gets him."

"Its nice that someone gets me," you admit.

"It also keeps the cheerleaders off him which is honestly a win," Tamar says, "if I had to lecture one more flyer about how not every jock wants- Oh did you get me a pretzel," Tamar asks Tolya as he returns.

"Do you think so little of me?" He asks, handing his sister the salted pretzel.

"I wasn't sure if you could get back from the refreshments without eating all my snacks," she teases before throwing an arm around Nadia.

"Sorry for the wait," Tolya slips back into his seat besides you, "the queue was dreadful."

"You don't come to these things," Nina points out leaning on the back of your chair to drop in on the conversation, "you want snacks, you get them earlier or you're queueing until half time Tree."

"Nina," Matthias says, he doesn't give any more of a scolding than the way he says her name but it's enough for her to suck in her cheeks and quieten herself.

"Sorry," she mouths and then quietly adds, "he is missing the cold weather, makes him extra frosty."

"I am not... frosty," Matthias insists. You bite your lip to curb your laugh.

"You look happy," Tolya muses.

"I am happy," you assure him as the show starts.

The show itself was great, Jesper was filled with energy and charisma, soaking up the limelight as always, and the technical and practical effects were at an all time high, right up to the moment they set the sprinklers and the fire alarm off.

You're choking back laughter, stood in the cool evening air as the teachers are checking that nothing really caught fire. You can see Jesper and Wylan having an enthused if not slightly heated conversation about prop placement in relation to fire safety. It's not until you catch Wylan saying "blame Kuwei," that you get the true gist of the conversation.

"Kids like twelve Wylan," Jesper laughs.

"Just blame him," Wylan says, arms crossed, half sulking.

"You always want to blame him," Jesper notes, pulling his boyfriend closer by the collar.

"Because, somehow, it's always his fault," Wylan insists, but all true annoyance is waning with his increased proximity to Jesper.

"Eventful evening," Tolya says, taking his eyes off Tamar as she pulls Nadia into the shadows to spend some of the waiting time in closer quarters.

"I said it would be," you smile. "Have you had fun at least?"

"Yeah," he assures you, eyes almost completely golden in the low light, "I always have fun when I'm with you."

[crowpricorn]

Hello!! 5 and/or 13 for the kiss prompts for Wesper?? 👀

questions

5: where it doesn't hurt + 13: discreetly

hi!! 💌 I wrote this in less than half an hour, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless💗💗

Jesper never thought he could spend even a single day without feeling the rush, the pull, the need — to move and keep moving until he got swallowed by the tide, to play and keep playing until he lost everything. His body had been a cage for something that shouldn't have been caged at all, something that kept looking for ways to burst out.

That's how his blessing turned into a curse — and has been a curse all these years, all this time.

Until now that the energy buzzing into his bones is finally unleashed — whenever Jesper shoots (for fun, now, rather than necessity) he knows what he is doing to the bullets, whenever he needs something he tries and make that something. Wylan encouraged him to try and take the colors off some of his paintings. "I will ruin them," he had protested. "You won't," Wylan had stubbornly answered, chin tilted upwards and eyes fierce as flames and kind as the warmest hug.

So, Jesper took all the paint off the canvas, leaving white expanses for Wylan to paint all over again. So, Jesper shaped vases and statues in the Van Eck mansion the way he liked.

The painful, buzzing, deafening scream of energy trapped into his crawling skin has long gone.

And what it left space for, is this: it's Wylan's kisses all over his neck, and when before he had always felt his skin prickle and the intense urge for more, more, more, now there's just the soothing press of lips against skin. The comforting scent of Wylan's clean curls tickling his nose, the caress of his breath against his throat. He is not as sensitive to touch as he was before, not so desperate — he is there and he is present and he revels in the embrace of his lover.

At the beginning it was all wanting more and getting too much, not knowing how to ask and how to plead for Wylan to stop — when his skin got too sensitive, when he felt his bones pushing against his skin like they wanted to burst out. It hadn't been his bones — it had been his gift, all that bottled up energy that finally, finally Jesper allowed into his life. And when he did, what had always been a rush, a thrill, a too much, became slow, comforting, soothing.

Wylan grazes his teeth against Jesper's collarbone, and everything Jesper feels is the graze of teeth against skin — not sparks of energy that send him fidgeting and squirming, not rushes of incoherent thoughts to his brain. Just this: his boyfriend kissing his naked skin and Jesper not aching from it anymore. Aching for it, rather.

"Don't leave marks," Jesper urges when Wylan bites into the swell of his throat. What he earns is Wylan's devilish, smart smile, and that also soothes Jesper. He is seen, he is loved and held, he is free from the cage of his body and mind.

"They don't show on your skin," Wylan retorts, pouting a bit until Jesper physically has to lean down and kiss Wylan for it. Kiss Wylan because he wants and loves to, and not because his body needs to have that too much feeling that was killing it — too many games, too much risk, too much asked from Wylan that ended up in both of them sobbing and Jesper shamefully explaining that, apparently, he didn't know his limits. He does now. He does because his body is not poisoned anymore — it is there, alert but also peaceful, and it doesn't ache anymore.

"I have seen too many councilmen stare at my neck to believe you. Plus, we are meeting Kaz in half an hour."

Wylan groans, brows furrowing in displeasure. "They can suck my—"

"Merchling!" Jesper laughs, and that also comes easy: a genuine laugh punched out of his chest. Not forced, not hysterical, not too much. Real, full of love and surprise.

Wylan surges up to capture Jesper's lips in a biting kiss that, in a matter of seconds, turns soft and heart-warming and mind-blowing. The kind of kiss that grounds Jesper and riles Wylan up until his hands roam through his boyfriend's whole body. Which is what he does now. He presses Jesper harder against the shelves of the library and he kisses him like he wants to kiss the hurt away — like if there's something of that poisonous restraint in Jesper's body, he can just kiss him like a prayer and let it go away for good.

Jesper melts into the kiss and touches, anchoring himself to the feelings before he can float away from his body. Before, he was too caged in his body that he had to constantly shift his attention to something else, something more. Now, he feels so at ease under his own skin that he risks getting lost into the warmth and peace. It's not easy to find a balance, not for Jesper at least, but he tries.

Slowly, Wylan's hands come up to cup his cheeks and he deepens the kiss, panting against Jesper's mouth and then digging down again, bruising his neck until Jesper can do nothing else but moan and cling to the man he loves. He is about to curl his tongue around a moan of Wylan's name, as his boyfriend gently kisses his bruised neck, when they both stop.

A creak.

Voices from downstairs, probably the staff welcoming their guest.

Of course Kaz is early.

They raise their heads so fast that Jesper hits his against a shelf, rushing to put his shirt back on and trying to button it up before Kaz can open the door.

When he will, he'll find Wylan laughing to himself, hand in hand with a Jesper with his shirt buttoned unevenly and a bit crooked, and with a neck covered in darker or redder marks that they both know Kaz will notice. He will open the door to find Jesper happy, grounded, loved and in love, making room for sensations when before it was only hurtful sensitivity and ache.

For now, Jesper pushes Wylan off and Wylan comes closer to pepper his face with kisses while Jesper fumbles to button his own shirt. For now, Wylan kisses Jesper like a promise and laughs against his lips until all Jesper feels is not the rush, the thrill, the urge, but the unspoiled, soothing love.

[lilisouless]

OK, I remember you once either said or maybe rebloged something that said, inej wouldn't simply walk into the menagerie without being triggered and how her not being able to get revenge on Heleen is a disregard of her trauma.

But, inej is aged up in show, it is possible that, she can control her triggers better now. And killing heleen was necessary to set up the pekka rollins' downfall plotline. Yeah it's messy but, it's not that bad.

I imagine the writers weren't happy with it either, but alas they had to combine the stroylines, cuz netflix didnt think anyone would watch SoC/SaB stand-alone shows/movies

And it's not like inej doesn't get to show any rage, she kills that taxidermist in that fight scene, it was really good and satisfying to watch. She fights alongside aline, who went from being her god to being her friend, she gets to go on her own journey to find her brother and avenge him.

I like 2 think that the show has decided to focus more on inej's growth and overcoming trauma, in a more, self-healing (?) Way. One that isn't related to anger or revenge or violence.

Let’s not pretend Inej’s storyline being toned down isn’t a consequence of Netflix’s massive Kaz preference. Inej’s villain gets killed in favor of KAZ. You exchange her big moment, the equivalent of Kaz vs Pekka with…a mook? A character we just meet? How is that satisfactory compared to Heleen herself?

Sure in CK she gets a glorified mook with main character syndrome as well but by that time she already had her shot against Heleen

“Killing Heleen was necessary�� no it wasn’t, the Pekka Rollins storyline didn’t have to be like that, the writers were just too lazy to think on something better than Walmart Crooked Kingdom, i would have been okay with an original storyline like in S1

Speaking of which, the crow’s storyline on the first season was far from good considering they accomplished barely anything but at least there was an attempt to connect it to the main storyline and actually Inej is the only relevant crow (maybe Jesper too, if only as a wild card) on that season, because she does represents people that still have faith in the saints, it matches with Alina being used and having people trying to control her power while Inej needs to create her own power because people had tried to control her before.

In fact let’s check how much the crows actually contribute to the final battle, which ultimately defines their purpose to exist in the show

Season 1

-Inej, trowing a knife to Alina (something)

-Kaz , being there (so, nothing)

-Jesper , a secret weapon aka, gets rid of Ivan (so, it manages to be something)

-Nina & Matthias (nothing)

- Wylan, saving Kaz’s ass indirectly (so, if Kaz does nothing, his thing automatically traslates to nothing)

Season 2

-Inej passing the blade to Alina (something…exactly the same as season 1)

-Kaz , NOTHING

-Jesper & Wylan, secret weapon again (so, like S1 Jesper it manages to be something)

- Nina , red herring (so, nothing)

-Matthias, wasting valuable screentime (aka nothing)

So Inej, relatively the crow that does the most for the main plot, the one that should matter, ends up giving up her main villain for a guy that on a wider view…Adds nothing at all! What was even the point on making Kaz the most centered crow if by the end of the day he ends up having the exact same relevance as freaking Matthias in hellgate?

On that season it’s actually Kaz who gets quite butchered for Inej’s sake, there were critism for both Kaz and Inej’s writing and here’s the diference :

The show crew heard what people said about Kaz and did their best to correct it , they didn’t do shit about the complaints about Inej

Now season 2, they already had a soc spinoff in mind so there’s already a work where Kaz can be the main character, because he is on the book. He has little to nothing to do with the main storyline, but Inej (by being who has the most connection to Alina) and Nina (actually knows and belonged to the first army and on the adaptation is told to know the villain himself) so making them front and center on the crows storyline seems to be the logical choice…but the Kaz boner is stronger than logic because otherwise i don’t get why he has to be the main here, specially if you are already planning a work where you can just put the whole Kaz things there where ,btw doesn’t take valuable time from Alina.

And yes, not every adaptation needs to be the same, but the thing is that the changes have to be equally good or better if you can, otherwise is just like “why did you tried to fix what was never broken?”

Season 1, on the subject of the original Alina storyline i consider was actually better than on the books, before s2 made him a redundant boring crybaby i actually liked the darkling more than on the book, Alina is very diferent too and i liked her better than in the book, and i don’t care if people disagree with me on this one : s1 Zoya is better than the misogyny bait Leigh made her on the first book.

So as you can see it’s not just “changed from the book” it’s the implications and the blatant preference for Kaz , the original author never let her own liking for Kaz (he is clearly her favorite) to get in the way of building Inej nor the other crows

This whole “the crows were aged up” excuse only serves so far, because Inej aged up implies she spend more time on the menagerie than book!Inej did , being older doesn’t mean you magically will heal from trauma. You have the whole picture of Kaz on season 2, you are shown the source of the trauma and the consequences, you don’t get it for Inej. If you don’t believe me, go ask how many people who only have watched the show doesn’t know Inej has very serious problems with touch like Kaz (she is even said to get nervous from having men smiling at her) because the writers certainly don’t

Doesn’t mean Inej is a bad character on the show, she has a lot of saving graces and for what’s left it’s a good character because she still has Inej’s good traits, unlike let’s say Nina (she is the only character i considered to be completely ruined) who is just awful and only gets saved for some comedic bits and the actress but complaining about Inej it’s not being a purist, because mostly it’s about how the preference of Kaz affected her (it affected Alina too but that’s another subject)

The only reason i am not making it a sex thing it’s because 1) some female characters like Baghra,Genya and freaking Sankta Neyar were given more to do and i consider their thing quite satisfying, 2)there were male characters like Mal,David and Adrik that also took a hit, so while there were more women who got hit in favor of men ; Inej , Alina (Kaz) Tamar and Nadia (Tolya) and Nina got it for free, i choose to point out that this was in consequence of having more important female characters than males.

Sorry for the long text, but it was needed. It’s not “it’s bad because it’s different from the book” just for the sake of it, it was because on the book it was like that for a good reason, the show didn’t have a good reason, their reason was elevating Kaz at the expense of Inej.

[arillusionist]

s&b season2ep4 reaction!! book update: i finished seige and storm. it was lwk boring and im literally so mad bc alina deserves SO much better than mal hes such a hoe. anyways

help whats going on i kinda forgot what happened in the last episode

time to go read my own reaction

HELL NAH ITS BEEN A WHOLE WEEK SINCE I WATCHED THIS SHOW?? anyways i kinda remember the last ep now but my reaction is mostly crows stuff so it wasnt That helpful

ANYWAYS

even though mal is muchhhhhh better in the show i like the direction theyre taking with alina actually marrying nikolai

then again i havent read the kos duology (yet) so i dont know anything abt his real romance story so thats probably why i dont mind

stop mal telling alina shes his nation is so cute unlike in the books

and the way they actually do have some chemistry?? im sorry for ever hating you show malina 😔😔

is that the brother i cant tell

why does baghra lwk piss me off ...i cant tell if its because she wont stfu or because shes js boring

GENYA ☹️☹️

🥱🥱

FINALLY

"it'll give me some comfort to know you're with me" ohhhdhfmyygodddd and then her smile ahhhh

i cant tell if inej is mistaking kaz telling her to leave the city as him wanting her gone, when in reality hes js tryna protect her

or if shes just not promising it because she cant

theyre so complicated they make me sick (i love them 😭😭😭)

AWW THE I LIKE YOUR STUPID FACE LINE its different but whatever

WAITT JESPER BASICALLY CALLED HIM AND KAZ BROTHERS AND KAZ DIDNT EVEN DISAGREE?? HE LITERALLY AGREED

no cuz i actually thought kaz was gnna punch him or something but thats nice

no mourners no funerals 🙏🙏

NINA DECKING KAZ HELL YEAH I NEEDED TO SEE THAT

Dont take this as me disliking kaz btw hes my 2nd favorite character i js need to see him being put in his place

i have the most out of pocket thing to say but im not gnna say it

there are two heartrenders right there why dont they just check his pulse to see if hes lying

oh now they do it

i feel like maybe this is how they incorporate the crows into alina's plot - they'll ask them to find the sword since theyre criminals and know more than just the "wider black market"

IM LITERALLY A GENIUS HELLO????

NOT ME PREDICTING IT LIKE 2 SECONDS BEFORE HE SAYS IT

they cant just show kaz and nina for two seconds and then cut to another scene hello

OH NVM its an inej scene 🙏🙏

its so dark i can barely tell whats happening

oh they did the pox thing too they really taking half of crooked kingdom's plot huh

yeah now they decide to explain the plan

kaz is actually being so much like book kaz in this scene

"the trick is not to love anything" YEAH YOU KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT... and with nina in the background too?? i wish inej was here tho like in the books

i think shes busy saving those randos

"something you'd sacrifice everything for and it makes you weak" stop projecting

SIX FEET DEEP

see inej really needs to be here now nina and jesper kinda know his backstory but she doesnt

then again its more meaningful if he tells her on his own time

HIS SMIRK

"im begging you" "are you?" hes not begging but i can

sorry

HIM ASKING FOR THE QUITCLAIM DEED FOR INEJ 🥺🥺 him liquifying everything he owns in the books is still better tho

THE LOOK IS HIS EYES - this is not freddy carter acting as kaz this is LITERALLY kaz

lmfaoo the offended look on toyla's face

WHYD THAT ACTUALLY SCARE ME (the guy sneaking up behind mal)

ok so i have a class so i'll watch the rest later

im backkk

seeing that vasily guys face after a few hours is such a jumpscare like why is he so ugly

bruh i jus realized theyre not gonna do the thing where inej cuts a line above pekkas heart 😐another kanej moment wasted

hjdkfk wylan hiding under the table when jesper asks him out

this conversation is so awkward i keep pausing it 😭

its cute tho

omg just kiss already the tension is getting to me

finally!!! 🙏🙏

WAIT FUCK I JS REALIZED THATS ANOTHER MOMENT WASTED CUZ THEY CANT DO THE JESPER KISSING THE WRONG GUY THING IF THE SPINOFF HAPPENS

im not really liking how they did wesper anyways.... with the whole one night stand thing... 😐

ok. yeah. wow. go from super cute fluffy wesper to kanej angst. yeah. remind me of what i dont have.

kaz saying that theres a weak link in the crew and inej thinks it means her but hes actually talking ab HIMSELF because shes his weakness and shes the person he would sacrifice everything for and AUGHHH

the difference between the show and the books when kaz gives her the paper is crazy

wish they had kept the book's scene fr

waittt is nikolai adopted??

oh he is

tamar and nadia definitely have something going on its already canon that nadia is into girls so!!

did the vasily guy die i hope he did 🙏🙏

why didn't baghra just. do that before. yk BEFORE she got her damn finger cut off

"your obsession with the fold is naive" is bro talking about alina or himself

and thats it watch me wait another week again before watching the next episode 💀

[anthony-sharma]

Six of Crows Reread - Ch. 3

Now, on to the reread, a chapter by own very own Kazzle Dazzle!

_

Chapter 3: Kaz

“Don’t tell me my business, Jes.”

“You think I’m dirty, too?”

“If I thought you were dirty, you’d be holding your guts in on the floor of the Exchange like Big Bol, so stop running your mouth.”

I like it that Kaz calls Jesper “Jes” since the beginning, but since the Crows’ appearance in S&B is supposed to be a “prequel” of sorts, I’m sure we’ll see Kaz call Jesper “Jes” at some point in the spin off (because we are getting it).

And also, he trusts Jes too much to “spill his guts in the Exchange”. Proof is how he treated him after he spilled where they were going. He was an ass to Jesper, yes, and he also fought him (without his cane) but he wasn’t anywhere near deadly violent to him. So shut up Kaz, you big softie!

“Kaz shrugged, unwilling to give her an answer. Inej was always trying to wring little bits of decency from him. “When everyone knows you’re a monster, you needn’t waste time doing every monstrous thing.”

“Why did you even agree to the meet if you knew it was a set-up?” She was somewhere to the right of him, moving without a sound. He’d heard other members of the gang say she moved like a cat, but he suspected cats would sit attentively at her feet to learn her methods.”

And the show draws inspiration from this dialogue for episode 4 of the second season, called “Every Monstrous Thing”, where, curiously enough, he “does” another monstroous thing (burying Alby) without actually doing so. I know what you did there, S&B!

Also, it will be very cool how they portray this part of the book in the show, where Inej is talking to him from somewhere in the shadows but can’t really be seen. 

“For a while she said nothing, then from somewhere behind him he heard her. “Men mock the gods until they need them, Kaz.”

He didn’t see her go, only sensed her absence.”

I wonder if Kaz prayed when Inej was injured by Oomen, later on. 

Also, that last sentence sounds lovely for some reason. Like poetic. 

“Kaz gave an irritated shake of his head. To say he trusted Inej would be stretching the point, but he could admit to himself that he’d come to rely on her. It had been a gut decision to pay off her indenture with the Menagerie, and it had cost the Dregs sorely. Per Haskell had needed convincing, but Inej was one of the best investments Kaz had ever made. That she was so very good at remaining unseen made her an excellent thief of secrets, the best in the Barrel. But the fact that she could simply erase herself bothered him. She didn’t even have a scent. All people carried scents, and those scents told stories – the hint of carbolic on a woman’s fingers or woodsmoke in her hair, the wet wool of a man’s suit, or the tinge of gunpowder lingering in his shirt cuffs. But not Inej. She’d somehow mastered invisibility. She was a valuable asset. So why couldn’t she just do her job and spare him her moods?”

Oh my dude, your opinion’s gonna change by the second book, and maybe even before that! It reminds me to the part where Wylan asks him if he would be able to trust someone with his weaknesses and he thinks that yes, there’s one person who would never take advantage of his weaknesses.

Also, how is it possible that Inej doesn’t have a scent? Can humans not have a scent? Although we’re reading a fantasy book, maybe some things can be overlooked without thinking too much about them?

“Ghosts, Kaz thought. A boy’s fear, but it came with absolute surety. Jordie had come for his vengeance at last. It’s time to pay your debts, Kaz. You never get something for nothing.

[...]

But if they managed it, even after Per Haskell got his cut, Kaz’s share of the scrub would be enough to change everything, to finally put into motion the dream he’d had since he’d first crawled out of a cold harbour with revenge burning a hole in his heart. His debt to Jordie would be paid at last.”

It saddens me to think that Kaz thinks Jordie would want to take revenge on him or thinks that he ows him something, considering that he was only 9 years old when Jordie died and he was not at fault for anything :(

Van Eck thumbed through the papers in his hand. “You were first arrested at ten,” he said, scanning the page.

“Everyone remembers his first time.”

Is he making a sex joke or am I just reading too much into it?

“The mercher cleared his throat. “When Bo Yul-Bayur sent us the sample of jurda parem, we fed it to three Grisha, one from each Order.”

Oh, so he was indeed with Councilman Hoede in his boat safehouse in the beginning! I didn’t catch that the first time I read it. 

“So that was the secret behind the murder of the ambassador in the washroom. And the gold in those three Shu ships must have been Fabrikator made. Kaz hadn’t heard anything about Ravkan documents, but he nodded anyway.”

Haha silly me who didn’t make the connection between a drugged Grisha and the assassination of the Zemeni ambassador. And of course that is why Kaz and Inej hadn’t come up with an explanation - because they didn’t know of the existence of jurda parem or what the drug did to Grishas.

“You have to know he’s probably dead. The Fjerdans hate Grisha. There’s no way they’d let knowledge of this drug get out.”

So interesting to see how Kaz literally spoiled what happened to Bo Yul-Bayur. He really died. Or more like he died even before the book started. He was also right on the fact that they didn’t let the knowledge of the drug get out, because they kept Kuwei under lock and chains - until the Crows came, of course.

“Our sources say he is very much alive and that he is awaiting trial.” Van Eck cleared his throat.”

Well, evidently your sources are wrong. Either that or you were deceived on purpose, Van Eck. 

“From what I know of the Ice Court, whoever stole my DeKappel is exactly who I need for this job.”

“Then you’d be better off hiring him. Or her.”

I love how they’re almost dancing around each other in this conversation. Van Eck basically acknowledging that it was Kaz who stole the DeKappel and Kaz just playing dumb until his last breath. It gives me RoW “I don’t know who Inej is” vibes.

“Van Eck led him through a door and into a manicured garden, thick with the new nectar scent of early crocuses. The smell hit Kaz like a blow to the jaw. Memories of Jordie were already too fresh in his mind, and for a moment, Kaz wasn’t walking through the canal-side garden of a rich merch, he was knee-deep in spring grasses, hot sun beating down on his cheeks, his brother ’s voice calling him home.”

I hope in a future book we can get more details about how Kaz’s life was like before he and Jordie went to Ketterdam. Here we only get the barest glimpse but I wish we knew more.

“Van Eck sighed and crouched down to turn the body over. “We’ve lost another,” he said.

The boy was young, the bare scraps of a moustache on his upper lip.” 

Oh no, Joost!! Why is it that I’m just now reading about his death? Well, maybe because he’s not mentioned again by anyone, but still!

“Oh, it’s worse than that, Van Eck. If I fail, I don’t get paid.”

That’s almost the same thing he says to Nikolai in 2.07, with the “I didn’t know you were patriots” and him answering with “Well, if you die, we don’t get paid”.

So that’s all for chapter 3, next up comes again our darling Inej <3

[seidenbros]

Right Here Waiting

Pairing: Jesper Fahey x Wylan Van Eck

Summary: After spending three instead of two weeks with his Da, Jesper finally returns home to Wylan. They've missed each other, can't wait to see each other again, and Wylan has a very special surprise for Jesper - he's waiting for him in bed in his clothes. One look at Wylan renders him speechless, which doesn't happen often, but this is not the only suprise Wylan has for him, because he has very special plans for the tie as well.

Warnings/Tags: established relationship, shameless smut, anal sex, anal plug,oral sex, teasing, light bondage, if you can call it that, Jesper gets tied to the headboard, no beta we die like my sanity sometimes does

A/N: After the last photoshoot from Jack, this idea didn't leave my head, so I had to turn it into writing or my brain would have exploded. it is what it is, smut with a bit of emotions I guess, thoughts they have, and how much they missed each other while jesper was away. So, I hope you enjoy and if I missed any tags or triggers, please just let me know, so I can add them 💞

Word count: 3.927

Read on AO3

Jesper couldn’t wait to get home. Initially, he’d been supposed to be gone for two weeks, and his father had actually wanted to make him leave after that time had passed, but Jesper and Wylan had agreed that he couldn’t come back home just yet. Colm had needed a bit more time to put weight on his injured foot, and so another week passed until he all but shoved Jesper out of his house.

“I love you, son, and I appreciate you taking care of me, but you need to go home now.” That time, Jesper hadn’t objected. He loved his father dearly, but missing Wylan had turned into a physical ache, because they hadn’t been separated for this long at all. A few days, yes, but not even a week before he’d left to take care of his Dad. Sure, they’d exchanged messages, had been on the phone, sent pictures, all that, but nothing beat being close to Wylan, holding him tight, kissing him.

He stopped to get some fuel about an hour away from home. While he waited he texted Wylan where he was and how long it would take him to get home, that he was looking forward to kissing him the moment he got there.

Hopefully, you’ll be doing much more than that.

Wylan’s answer made him take a deep breath, trying to focus again. They’d both expressed how much they’d missed each other, and the physical aspect had also been a part of this, where they’d had their fun on the phone at least, but there was nothing better than feeling Wylan’s skin beneath his fingers, to hear that slight intake of breath when the mood switched, the way Wylan’s nails scratched over his scalp - he needed to stop thinking about this, or he’d have a problem driving home.

I’m planning on it, believe me. I missed you so much.

Going inside to pay, he took a bottle of water along as well. When he reached the car again, Wylan had answered him again, this time with a voice message.

“I missed you, too. That’s why I put on your clothes. I’ll be waiting for you in bed.”

He could hear the grin in his voice, which only added to Jesper’s need to get home as quickly as possible. Seeing Wylan in his clothes elicited so many feelings inside him, depending on what he wore, but when he said that he’d be waiting for him in bed, Jesper’s mind went in a specific direction, but he was curious just what Wylan had chosen to wear. There was always a certain feeling of possessiveness he had when he saw Wylan like that, and the realisation that they were really together, that he could call Wylan his in a way.

He only sent him I’ll hurry, followed by a couple of emojis that were probably not all that appropriate for everyone, but Wylan knew what to make of them. Abandoning his phone on the passenger seat, where it was plugged into the audio system of the car so he could listen to his music, he hit the gas pedal and tried not to drive too fast, which turned out to be rather difficult, since he wanted to see Wylan as quickly as possible.

Even though he didn’t need another hour to get home, it felt way longer, and Jesper was relieved, when he finally, finally parked the car in its designated spot. Reaching for his phone, he didn’t see any more messages from Wylan, so he could just stuff it into his pocket. For a moment, he contemplated leaving his bag in the car, but then he thought better of it. He’d at least take it up into the apartment so he could drop it right next to the door to sort through it later.

Once inside the apartment, he did just that, before taking off his shoes. He knew that Wylan must have heard him come in, and he half expected him to come running up to the door, but he seemed to stick to his plan: waiting for him in bed. Jesper’s excitement rose at the mere thought of it, but he still wasn’t prepared for the vision in front of him once he stepped into the door leading to the bedroom.

“Hey,” was the only word Wylan said when he saw him. The way he was leaning against the headboard, his left arm lifted above his head, was already sinful enough - or maybe it was having spent three weeks apart - but the outfit made Jesper almost jump onto the bed. The red jacket was  thrown over the back of the armchair in the corner, but he was wearing the matching shorts that gave him a wonderful view of his slightly spread legs. Oh Wylan was really going all out with this outfit, but he also remembered that Wylan had loved this on him, had spent quite a while kissing along his exposed legs, and Jesper had the same urge right now. The beige shirt was a bit loose on him, but still looked amazing with the top buttons undone, just like Jesper would wear it himself. And then there was the lavender tie that was only thrown around his neck, but not tied.

“Hey,” Jesper echoed after a moment, still standing in the doorway, taking the whole picture in. His blood was rushing south, arousal pooling deep in his belly, and as much as he wanted to be close to Wylan, he had to remember every detail. He almost looked like a painting like this.

“Well, this is a rare occasion.” Wylan’s lips curled up into a smile, the slight nervousness and uncertainty whether this had been a good idea suddenly gone due to Jesper’s reaction.

“Hm?” He felt rather stupid, because he wasn’t able to form proper sentences just yet, still too busy letting his eyes roam over his boyfriend before eventually looking into his eyes.

“Did I really render you speechless?” Sitting up a bit straighter, Wylan lowered his arm, spreading his legs even wider and drawing Jesper’s eyes to his crotch with that movement, where it was obvious just how aroused Wylan was already. Jesper had no idea what he’d been up to before he’d gotten here, but it had apparently put him in the mood, and Jesper most definitely wouldn’t complain.

“Sure looks like it,” he said with a laugh, heat rising to his cheeks, because it was something that didn’t happen that often. But Wylan? Wylan managed to do that.

“Are you still able to move?” Biting his bottom lip to keep from grinning, Wylan tilted his head to the side.

That seemed to be the moment when Jesper snapped out of it. With long strides, he stepped up to the bed climbing on top of it so he could position his knee between Wylan’s legs and finally, finally kiss him. The sigh that landed in the kiss, Wylan’s hands at his shoulder and the back of his neck made Jesper lean in even more. His right hand found purchase on Wylan’s waist feeling the silky fabric beneath his fingers. With his left, he pushed back his curls, grabbing a handful of it, only to guide his head back a little, Wylan’s lips opening at the movement so Jesper could slide his tongue along his lips, against his tongue. Saints, he’d missed the taste of him, had missed his touch, had missed him.

The next moment, he felt Wylan’s fingers tugging on his shirt, opening just a few more buttons before they had to break apart so Wylan could take it off Jesper.

“Guess we’re both a bit impatient,” Jesper murmured in between kisses once he’d gotten rid of the shirt and brought their lips back together.

“Only until I have you naked. Once that is done, I hope I can be a bit more patient.”

“Oh?” Now, that got Jesper’s attention, but before he could say anything else, Wylan had swung his leg around him, his hands against his shoulders so he could turn them around. Now on top of Jesper, he rutted his hips down, making both of them moan with the movement. “You’ve thought about this a bit, haven’t you?”

“Maybe,” Wylan half whispered against his lips, scraping his teeth over his bottom lip before sucking it between his own, nibbling on it, which only resulted in Jesper pushing up his hips, searching for friction. Wylan knew how he could drive him mad, and that was one thing on the list. “I have something in mind. And you can totally say now or stop me anytime, just so you know but—”

Jesper silenced him with a kiss, rubbing his right hand along his bare thigh before giving it a squeeze. “You know you can ask and tell me everything. What have you been thinking about?”

“Yes.” Of course, he knew that, but every now and then, the insecurities bubbled up and he needed a moment to get it out. “I would like to use this on you.” Taking his hands off Jesper, he pulled the tie from around his neck and held it between them before wrapping it lightly around Jesper’s left wrist.

“Ohh!” Now, that was interesting and it made Jesper’s heart beat faster. He’d never been the one to be restrained, only the other way around, and not that often to be quite honest. Trust was a very big factor when trying out new things, at least for him, and that kind of situation demanded a whole lot of trust from him. But Wylan had that. There was nobody Jesper trusted more, and he knew that he was in safe hands with Wylan, that he’d stop the moment Jesper wanted him to. “Yes.” One simple word, his answer, and the way Wylan’s face lit up was the best about this. Or the kiss that followed that seemed to make his brain shut up completely.

When Wylan pulled back again, Jesper kept watching him, not saying a word as Wylan reached for his wrists again to gently wrap the tie around them, before he lifted them above Jesper’s head to tie him to the headboard. His heart was thrumming in his chest, the sensation so new but interesting in a good way. Only because this was Wylan doing it.

“Good? Or too tight?” Wylan asked, sitting back down so he could look at Jesper’s hands and then in his eyes again.

Jesper gave the tie a sharp tug, but it didn’t budge, still his wrists felt good, so it was not too tight. 

“Perfect the way it is.”

“Good.”

There was something about the look in Wylan’s eyes that made Jesper shiver and hold his breath, but then his eyes fluttered shut at the first kiss against his chest. Immediately, he tried to reach out his hand to bury it in Wylan’s curls, but he couldn’t. It had been a reflex, something he did so often that it was strange to be unable to do so, but at the same time exhilarating because Wylan got to do whatever he wanted with him.

The kisses he trailed over Jesper’s chest made him shiver again, and moan when Wylan flicked his tongue against his nipple. Jesper’s fingers curled around the poles of the headboard so he had something to hold onto at least, since Wylan was driving him mad already. He couldn’t keep completely still, pushing his body up and against Wylan’s lips, just needing and wanting more - and Wylan was giving it to him Open-mouthed kisses against his sternum dn down to his navel where he spent a moment to suck on the skin right next to it, but not leaving a mark. The tip of his nose traced along the little trail of coarse, dark hair that vanished into his trousers. His hands got busy, opening the button and fly for Jesper so it wasn’t as uncomfortable anymore. The sigh that left his lips told Wylan that it was very much appreciated, but probably not enough.

When Wylan’s fingers pushed beneath the waistband of his trousers and boxers at the same time, Jesper bit his bottom lip, eyes trained on Wylan and not leaving his pretty face as he pulled down Jesper’s boxers. But his mouth found something to do as well, kissing over to his hip and then back towards the middle over the newly exposed skin.

When his cock sprung free, Jesper couldn’t hold back a moan, already so aroused that he wanted nothing more than to sink into Wylan, be as close to him as possible and feel that connection between them. But he had a feeling that Wylan wanted to take some more time. Well, in fact, he didn’t really know what Wylan had planned and where exactly this was going, but he was buzzing with excitement.

“Been thinking about this for a week. Maybe even longer. But when it was clear that you would stay a bit longer with you Dad, I wanted to make this special.” Wylan ran the palms of his hands over Jesper’s hips, his sides, onto his chest to tease his nipples.

“It’s always special with you,” Jesper just had to say, had to let him know, no matter how often he’d already said that. It was the truth, and sometimes Wylan needed to be reminded.

“Still…” Wylan whispered against his skin, nipping on his hip, before placing kiss after kiss against his belly. Jesper understood, there didn’t need to be more words, especially when Wylan teased his testes with his tongue, making Jesper almost shiver out of his skin. He tightened his hold on the headboard, eyes fixed on Wylan, who was looking back at him, eyes blown so wide that they looked a lot darker than they actually were. When he licked him from root to tip, Jesper groaned deep within his chest, hips twitching upwards, because he couldn’t control himself. It had been way too long since Wylan had touched him like he was doing right now, and it was almost painful to have to wait, to not be able to touch and urge him on. But Wylan didn’t tease him in that moment, no, he wrapped his lips around the tip of his cock, licked, sucked on it, and Jesper was pretty sure he was losing his mind. But as quickly as this had started, it stopped again, and he groaned at the loss of Wylan’s warm, wet mouth. But that wasn’t everything he was missing, because Wylan scooted back and got off the bed.

“Wylan?” He wasn’t sure whether he really sounded as desperate and needy as he thought, but he didn’t really care. Not with Wylan who knew just how much Kesper loved and craved him.

“I need to take my clothes off, love.” Wylan tilted his head to the side, watching Jesper like this while he pulled the trousers and the boxers from Jesper’s legs, letting his socks follow. “Unless you want me to keep going like this.”

“No, no. Not today.” Any other day, Jesper wouldn’t object, because everything with Wylan was heavenly, but after not seeing him for so long, he wanted everything Wylan had to offer, everything he wanted to do. In addition, it meant that he could just sit there and watch Wylan get undressed, who put on a little bit of a show. Not a whole striptease, but it was still highly erotic the way he unbuttoned the shirt, let his own fingertips stroke over his belly and chest, before he pushed the shirt from his shoulders, letting it drop to the floor.

“Saints, you’re way too gorgeous.” Jesper shook his head, before focusing on Wylan again. There were moments when he was just taken aback by Wylan’s beauty, and that he’d really chosen to be with him instead of anyone else. While he was always confident in front of others, knew about his good looks, there were moments where he was insecure, where he hadn’t believed that anyone would be with him for longer, but Wylan had proven to him that he was all in.

“Can say the same about you.” Even from his position on the bed, Jesper could see the pinkish hue on Wylan’s cheeks that had nothing to do with the situation they were in right now, but everything to do with the words Jesper had spoken.

Silence fell between them again when Wylan opened his trousers, his fingers stroking along the waistband, before dipping beneath it, so he could push the rest of his clothes down. Jesper’s eyes dropped onto his freed length, his mouth watering at the sight.

Wylan smirked at him - smirked! - before he turned around to seemingly pick up the clothes, but when he bent down, Jesper knew just why he’d done that, because he saw something glistening in  the dim light.

“Fuck,” he breathed out, squirming a little on the bed, tugging on his restraints, but they were still dong their job. Maybe, that had been a reason for Wylan to tie him to the headboard, because he knew that it would drive Jesper utterly nuts to know that he was wearing a plug. 

“Surprise,” Wylan said with a grin when he turned back to Jesper. He was looking almost a little sheepish when he crawled back onto the bed, closer and closer until he was bracketing Jesper’s thighs with his knees.

“And what a surprise that is.”

“Good?”

“Do you even have to ask?” Jesper huffed a laugh, leaning forward as best as possible to get closer to him, because he needed this, needed to kiss him and touch him, which wasn’t possible. “If I could, I’d have my hands all over you right now.”

“You’ll get the chance eventually,” Wylan drawled, finally leaning down to kiss him, his breath hitching audibly by the way Jesper was kissing him back. By now, the tie was digging a little bit into Jesper’s wrists, because he kept pulling on them, but it was so good.

Pulling on Jesper’s bottom lip with his teeth, he pulled back again, rose to his knees with his eyes still fixed on Jesper. He reached his hand back to take out the anal plug he’d been wearing, and while Jesper felt the wish to watch him, ask him to turn around, he kept quiet, the whole situation already so heated that he didn’t want to overdo it. The whimper that fell from Wylan’s lips at the empty feeling made Jesper’s cock twitch in anticipation of what was going to happen.

Putting the plug aside, Wylan reached for the lube on the nightstand. Jesper hadn’t even seen it before, but then again, his focus had been solely on Wylan. Just like it was now, when he drizzled some of the content of the little bottle onto Jesper’s cock, making him suck in a breath, before Wylan’s fingers curled around him, slowly gliding up and down to spread the lube. His slicked up fingers moved between his own legs, ans Jesper had to moan at the sight, getting more and more impatient, because he just wanted to feel Wylan now.

After wiping his fingers at the towel next to them - another thing Jesper hadn’t seen before, impressed by just how prepared Wylan had been - he rose to his knees again. Bracing himself on Jesper’s shoulder with his left hand, he took hold of Jesper’s cock with the right hand, positioning himself, rubbing the head of Jesper’s cock against his entrance a few times, teasing them both with that, but then he couldn’t wait any longer, slowly sinking down on him. The way Wylan’s fingers dug into his shoulder made Jesper close his eyes for a moment. Slightly painful, but washed away by the pleasure, by the maddening feeling of Wylan enveloping him, surrounding him in every sense he could think of. There was nothing else, just Wylan, their bodies that fit so perfectly together, like two pieces of a puzzle that had found each other.

When Wylan had sunk all the way down, he stayed like this for a moment, giving them both a few seconds to breathe, but then he couldn’t hold back anymore, started lifting his hips again, only to sink back down, finding a rhythm. It was strange to be unable to touch him, but at the same time exciting because Wylan was taking the reins, his hands rubbing over Jesper’s shoulders, his chest, teasing his nipples again and again, before grabbing hold of his shoulders again, when he sank all the way down and started circling his hips.

“Fuck, Wy,” Jesper ground out, leaning forward in a desperate attempt to get closer, but Wylan seemed to understand, bringing his right hand to the back of his neck as he kissed Jesper. Sloppy, messy kisses, but neither of them cared, because it was just what they needed.

Jesper already felt the build-up of his orgasm, and no matter how much he wanted to draw it out, enjoy this moment a little longer, he knew that it was a feeble attempt.

But Wylan seemed to understand or be close to the edge as well, when he took the hand from Jesper’s shoulder to wrap it around his own dick and start stroking himself. Jesper couldn’t hold back, his hips thrust up to meet Wylan’s movements, making him gasp, followed by another moan. Jesper had no idea who of them came first, or if it was simultaneously, but their moans mingled, his fingers grabbed the headboard almost painfully tight as his hips stuttered, spilling inside of Wylan, while he felt his release against his stomach.

His head was spinning, his eyes closed for a moment when he loosened his grip again, wanting to reach out his hands to fold Wylan against his chest, no matter how messy it was. He didn’t care, he just wanted him close. Wylan braced one hand against Jesper’s chest, wiped the other against the towel, before using it to clean up between them at least.

“Can you,” Jesper whispered, his voice not quite there yet, but Wylan understood him anyway. With a few movements, he untied Jesper, who immediately wrapped his arms around him to pull him against his chest. Showering his face with lazy kisses, he traced his fingertips down his back and then up again, savouring this moment, being this close to him, still so intimately connected.

“Good to have you back,” Wylan murmured in the small space between them, making Jesper smile.

“Good to be back.” Slowly, he lifted his head to look into Wylan’s eyes, taking his right hand off his back so he could push back Wylan’s damp hair. “How about a bath? We can just relax in there, and I could even give you a little massage after you welcomed me home like this.”

“I’m just glad you liked it. I wasn’t sure.”

“Wylan,” Jesper said firmly, cupping his cheek so he couldn’t turn away from him. “With you, I’m up for anything, okay? And this was…” He stopped himself, shaking his head before pecking Wylan’s lips. “So unexpected and so good. It was perfect.”

“Then I’m happy.”

“Did you have fun?”

“Oh yes.” Wylan couldn’t stop himself from giggling, and that was all the answer Jesper needed. Who knew what they’d come up with in the future, but for now, they stayed like this a moment longer to share some more kisses, before taking that relaxing bath Jesper had talked about, and just enjoy each other’s company.

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Don’t Go Blindly Into The Dark

Summary:

To hide that he can't read, Jan Van Eck has been forcing his son to pretend he's blind since he was eight years old. Wylan is now attending Ketterdam University, and meeting Jesper Fahey may very well be about to change his life. But is he safe to tell Jesper the truth? And what will Jesper say if he does?

Jesper is struggling to weigh up his life in the Barrel and his life at the University of Ketterdam, and there's a good chance that his growing debt is about to make the decision for him. He hasn't attended class consecutively for months, but maybe that will change when his newest project includes partnering up with Wylan Van Eck. But can he really leave the Barrel behind him? And how long can he keep up the pretence of who he thinks Wylan wants him to be?

Meanwhile there is a darkness growing in Ketterdam, and it seems a killer may be stalking the streets of West Stave. An unknown evil is closing its jaws over the city, and it’s starting to feel like nowhere is safe.

Tags: @justalunaticfangirl @lunarthecorvus @i-need-help-this-is-my-obsession @devoted-people-hater

If anyone else would like to be tagged let me know :)

Content warnings for this chapter: death references, grief, loss of parents, loss of friends, implied abuse references, implied child abuse references

AO3 link

Chapter 61 - Jesper

“I’m starting to think we aren’t destined to get coffee,” Jesper smiled, trying to keep his voice light, as he led Wylan up the stairs. 

The staircase was narrow enough that Jesper had to stand on the edge of the step above Wylan for them to be able to keep their hands intertwined, and he tried to keep half an eye on Wylan’s footing as they climbed. He remembered that Wylan had taken the steps outside the library slowly even with his cane, his free hand tight on the railing, and without it the motion would be harder - especially since the stairs at the Slat probably wouldn’t be considered very even. 

Wylan had one hand around Jesper’s, the other of the wooden rail, and although he knew that, understandably, stairs weren’t easy for Wylan, Jesper still thought they might be moving noticeably slower than usual. He lingered on his step for a moment as Wylan moved to follow, feeling the warmth of the boy’s hand in his, unsure of what to say or what to do. They walked the rest of the way to Jesper’s room in silence, and Jesper quickly shoved some of his stuff out of the way so Wylan could sit down on the bed. 

“Do you want a drink, or anything?”

Wylan shook his head, but Jesper poured him a glass of water anyway and told him where it was on the side in case he wanted it. He sat down a little tentatively next to Wylan, but was saved from trying to figure out what he should say next by the sound of a broken sob escaping from between Wylan’s lips. 

“I’m sorry,” Wylan whispered, as Jesper looped his arm around the boy’s shoulders and pulled him close. 

Jesper hushed him gently, letting his hand find loose purchase against Wylan’s as he buried his head into Jesper’s shoulder. Jesper rocked slowly, ever so slightly, from side to side as they sat, and after a minute Wylan lifted his legs up onto the bed to tuck his feet beneath him. He still took the time to haphazardly kick his shoes off, which Jesper couldn’t help but smile at. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, softly, as Wylan shuffled and lifted his head. 

For a moment there was quiet and Jesper thought Wylan might not be ready to answer, but then he ventured into the still air: 

“I just… I really thought for a minute that she might be okay. I thought… maybe I could finally help her,”

There was something, maybe, more to that that Wylan wasn’t saying, but Jesper didn’t push. 

“I never helped her,” he whispered, “I did nothing and now- and now-”

Wylan’s breathing began to speed up, audible and erratic. Jesper grabbed his hand, his palm pressed against its back as he laced his fingers between Wylan’s. 

“Breathe with me,” he murmured, “Count three in, out for four,”

“Jes-”

“In for three, out for four,”

Wylan obliged, perhaps slightly begrudgingly, as Jesper counted out loud. They did the same twice more, then breathed in for four and out for five. By the time they’d reached six counts in, Jesper could feel Wylan’s pulse relaxing where he’d gently pressed his thumb into his wrist. He squeezed his hand. 

“I promise you,” he said, “this is not your fault,”

“I should’ve… I could’ve-could’ve…”

“Could have done what?” Jesper asked, half surprising himself with the feeling of intensity that had begun to burn in the back of his throat. He adjusted to take both of Wylan’s hands, twisting so they were face to face kneeling on the bed, “Wy, I don’t know what happened in that house and I don’t expect you tell me any of it, but I know you were not in any kind of position to-”

“Don’t,” said Wylan, tears sliding down his cheeks now. His hands tensed beneath Jesper’s, but he didn’t pull away, “Please,”

“Wylan-”

“You can’t justify this,” he shook his head, “Nothing can fix… She was five houses away. We were on the same street,”

Jesper wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, not knowing the full story of what happened to Anya, but he would ask Nina for the details if he needed them. He wouldn’t make Wylan say anything. 

“I never even looked for her,”

“Alright,” Jesper pulled his feet round to sit cross-legged, vaguely regarding his boots on the bedspread and thinking he probably should’ve kicked them off like Wylan did, “How would you have looked for her?”

“I could have-” Wylan hesitated, briefly, “I could have asked around, or spoken to Joras-”

“Joras, being…?”

“A Squaller at my father’s house,”

“You think there’s a chance Joras knew where she was?”

Wylan looked down, then very lightly shook his head. 

“Who else could you have asked?”

Silence, for a moment. 

“I could have asked someone when I first moved to the Barrel. Nina, someone else. If I’d tried sooner-”

“Alright,” said Jesper, again, “Let’s say you found out where she was, another house on the Geldstraat, yeah?”

Wylan nodded. 

“What could you have done? Once you knew?”

“I… I don’t know, but I could have done something, I-”

“Maybe,” Jesper shrugged, “But that’s a lot of maybes, Wylan. There isn’t any way of getting rid of that feeling, okay? That guilt? It isn’t an easy thing to live with,”

Curiosity might have briefly passed through Wylan’s features, but if Jesper hadn’t imagined it then the boy had noticed and controlled it well. He released Wylan’s hands, moving to drop his legs back over the side of the bed, then tucked one arm gently round him. 

“But you do have to find a way, in time. It’s going to fucking suck,” Jesper smiled as Wylan laughed very, very softly, “And some days are worse than others, I know. But this was not your fault, Wylan. Grief is something you carry with you forever; sometimes it’s the heaviest thing you’ve ever held and other days you can just slip it in your pocket, but it’s always there - and that’s good, that’s normal. That’s love. Guilt isn’t like that; guilt is like trying to handle a deadly snake with no experience. You might get lucky for a while, but if you aren’t sensible - and you don’t figure out what you’re doing - it might swallow you whole,”

Wylan shuddered, another tear tracing down his face as he turned to rest the side of his head against Jesper’s shoulder. 

“How?” 

“Oh, I wish I could tell you,” Jesper smiled, “I’m afraid that’s something everyone has to figure out for themself. It makes it easier, though, if you have people to help you. Someone who cares about you, and who you can talk to freely. No-one can really teach you how to carry it though, or how to charm the snake. Not in my experience, anyway,”

They sank into the silence for a time. Jesper focused on the feeling of Wylan’s hand in his, the weight of his head pressed against his shoulder. He moved his free hand in slow, silent patterns against the bedsheet, studying the wall ahead. 

“What was your mother like?”

Wylan’s voice was so quiet that Jesper wasn’t immediately convinced he’d spoken. He glanced down at the top of Wylan’s head. 

“You don’t have to answer,” Wylan filled the pause, “Sorry, I shouldn't have-”

“She was the best,” Jesper smiled, “She taught me to shoot,”

She taught him lots of other things, too. Jesper’s mother had been Grisha, like him, and the only person who’d truly understood his restless energy. He remembered her making bread rise just by looking at, then making him promise not to tell his Da.

“This is our little secret,” she’d say, “Okay?”

Jesper only remembered asking her why once, when he was very small, and all she’d said was that she didn’t want to make Colm worry. 

“I don’t really remember mine,” Wylan whispered, “Not properly. I miss her, though. Sometimes… Sometimes I think I shouldn’t. It’s not my pain, if I don’t even remember her,”

Jesper shook his head. 

“That’s not how it works,” he promised, “Of course you miss her,”

Jesper could admit, to himself though not, of course, out loud in front of Wylan, that he wondered about Wylan’s mother sometimes. He wondered what she’d been like, and whether… well, it felt awful to think it, but whether she had loved her son. In all the ways her husband clearly hadn’t. He wondered if she’d been safe, all those years ago. He wondered how she’d died. 

Wylan lifted his head, as though he were looking at the wall opposite them, and clutched Jesper’s hand like he was afraid he would melt away. 

“Why are you so nice to me?”

“Would you prefer it if I made fun of you once in a while? We could start with your dress sense,”

“I dress well,”

“You don’t dress too badly - for a blind person,”

Wylan laughed, which relieved Jesper slightly. 

“Oh, don’t worry,” he smiled, “Nina already told me how bad your dress sense is,”

Jesper gave a fake, melodramatic gasp as he announced:

“I dress impeccably,”

“Well, I suppose I’ll have to take your word on that,”

A short quiet settled over them once again. Wylan began to cry again, after a minute or so; silent tears falling over his cheeks and dripping into his lap whilst he refused to wipe them away. 

“Remind me when it gets easier?” he whispered, a half-hearted attempt at teasing creeping into his voice. 

Jesper squeezed his hand. 

“A little while yet, I’m afraid,”

Wylan turned his face towards Jesper’s, his chin tilted up, his eyes still reddened and his cheeks still damp. He leaned forwards, and then upwards, and then before Jesper even had time to think Wylan’s lips were brushing against his. 

Jesper had wanted to kiss Wylan since… well, he couldn’t remember knowing Wylan and not wanting to kiss him. He’d felt some curiosity towards the boy since the day he’d walked into that business class, and spent more time in the few lectures he’d attended staring at the boy from across the room than he had paying much attention to the session. The desire to flirt the merchling into a corner, just to see what might happen, had crossed his mind more than once when he passed him in hallways or happened to hear him talking about some rich-sounding nonsense or other. But knowing Wylan, in the library, in front of the sunset, on the side of the canal and giving him a bunch of flowers outside the Slat – that was very different. That brought a change in it, for Jesper. He wanted to make Wylan laugh, he wanted to feel that little hitch in his chest when their fingers intertwined, he wanted to lounge in a chair and listen to Wylan talk to him about mathematics he couldn’t understand just so he got to see that shimmer in his eyes, the smile that had a different edge to it than other smiles. He wanted to lie on top of his bed and stare at the ceiling holding Wylan’s hand, talking about nothing and everything. He wanted to listen to him play the flute, he wanted to tell him stories. And, Saints, he knew that he wanted to kiss him.

But not like this. 

Jesper pulled away. 

“Wylan…” 

Wylan’s cheeks turned crimson as his face flooded with horror, panic spiralling in his eyes as he shook his head, leaning backward. 

“I’m sorry-” he managed, “I shouldn’t- I’m sorry, I-”

He stood up. 

“I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry, I’ll go, I-”

Wylan took a pace away but Jesper grabbed his wrist, immediately regretting it when Wylan flinched but all the same not letting go; he needed to hold him there. He needed him. 

“Wylan,” Jesper gave his arm a gentle tug and Wylan relented, moving back to sit down on the side of the mattress. He didn’t look at Jesper, “It shouldn’t be like this,”

There was a pause. Jesper let his hand slip away from Wylan’s fist and down towards his palm, his thumb resting against Wylan’s knuckles, his fingers still just high enough to feel Wylan’s pulse beneath them. 

“I’m not stopping you because I don’t… because we don’t both want the same things,” he breathed, his voice barely feeling like it existed in the cold air between them, “I’m stopping you because you don’t want to do this,”

A beat passed before Wylan tilted his head towards Jesper’s, just slightly, his eyes roving upwards even though they couldn’t see him. Jesper couldn’t really explain why he lifted his free hand towards Wylan’s face and slowly ran his thumb over the lowest ridge of scar tissue that crossed through those beautiful, piercing blue eyes, he only knew that he did it and it felt like he never should have done anything else. 

“You’re grieving,” he murmured, “And you want to be distracted,”

“I-”

“I don’t want to kiss you just because you’re hurting, and you don’t really either. Not right now. It would be unfair to let you,”

Wylan closed his eyes for a moment, and another tear leaked through his lashes and onto Jesper’s thumb. He nodded.

“Besides,” Jesper’s voice lilted, ever so slightly, “I have selfish reasons too,”

Wylan’s eyelids fluttered as he tilted his face back upwards, and Jesper felt the rush of their eyes meeting even though Wylan could see his. 

“I want to be something to you, Wylan Hendriks. But I don’t ever want to be something you regret,”

[sophierequests]

girls like girls and boys

Navigation┃Main Masterlist┃Requests

Pairing: Jesper Fahey x f!Reader

Request: Hey i have a fanfic idea!

Jesper fahey x femreader, where the reader comes out as bi to his boyfriend and the crows. Jesper is proud of the reader and everything is fluffy and shit u know - @booknerdddd

A/N: AHHHHH, THANK YOU SM FOR REQUESTING SOMETHING!! I LOVE IT!! This was so much fun to write and I hope you like it!

Summary: Coming out as bi to Jesper and the Crows.

Genre: Comfort, Fluff

Word Count: 1.3K

Warnings: None, maybe anxiety about coming out?

With a sigh, you threw yourself on the creaky bed in the room you shared with your boyfriend, Jesper. The Slat was oddly quiet this evening. It was way too quiet for your liking, since it made you retreat into your thoughts - the current main topic being your sexuality.

You’ve been questioning this part of your identity for quite a while, but now you were finally sure: You are bisexual!

It felt good discovering this, but now you were faced with another issue, namely coming out as such. Even though there was no reason for feeling this anxious, you couldn’t stop imagining the worst-case scenarios. You also had no clue how you were going to do it, without being weird about it. Still, you were sure that you had to tell your friends - the Crows.

Well, at least the majority of the Crows. You suspected that Nina and Wylan already sort of knew. A few weeks ago, you had already talked to them about their own outings and how they started feeling comfortable with people actually knowing about their sexuality. Maybe you appeared a bit too curious, leading to the both of them dropping multiple subtle hints to help you figure it out on your own.

Shaking your head, you stood up from your overly dramatic sprawled out position on the bed and made your way over to the slightly dishevelled closet, where Jes picked out a quite questionable outfit this morning, after oversleeping.

As you tried to half-heartedly fold the messy clothes, your thoughts brought you back to your boyfriend. You knew that he would be absolutely accepting of whatever you might tell him, you just needed to figure out how.

But before you could conclude this thought, the wooden door flew open and a slightly overworked Jesper entered, scanning the room for your presence. When his eyes finally landed on you, he had a huge grin on his face, walking over to engulf you in a tight, earnest hug.

“Hello, my love.” he purred, his head positioned on your shoulder.

“Hi,” you responded, “how did it go?”

He let out a huff of air, softly building up space between you.

“You know, Kaz can be insufferable sometimes. And infuriating! I have no clue how he does it. But today was just something else.”

You both moved to sit on the bed, whilst Jesper still ranted about the heist they had planned today and how Kaz was being difficult. Again.

You tried to listen attentively, but felt your mind absently slipping to the topic previously occupying it.

And of course, he noticed. He always did.

“Darling? You have not been listening, have you? Are you alright?” he questioned, a slight hint of concern hidden in his voice.

“Huh? I- no, I’m listening.”

“Oh, so you wanna hear more about me flirting that quite attractive stable hand I just mentioned?” he asked.

“What??” you choked, caught off guard by that question.

“Gotcha! I never said that, and I would never do that, you know that! So tell me, what’s going on? What’s occupying that pretty mind of yours? You can tell me anything. Always.” Jesper coaxed, reaching for your hands and taking them into his own.

You groaned and let your forehead rest on his shoulder.

“It’s nothing bad, you really don’t have to worry about me, Jes.”

“But I do, so spit it out. There’s nothing to lose if it’s nothing bad.” Jesper reassured you.

“Alright. I’ve been thinking a lot about myself and how I would like to label myself. And I realized that I am not straight. I’m bi. I just didn’t know how to tell anyone.” you confessed, looking up to catch Jesper’s reaction.

Much to your delight, his concerned look vanished, wrapping his arms around you soothingly.

“That’s what’s been giving you trouble, love? I was genuinely worried something awful happened to you.” he chuckled, not letting you go, “Thank you for telling me. I’m so proud of you for figuring that out. I’ll help you with coming out to the rest of the team if you like.”

You stayed like that for a while, just enjoying the comforting silence between you.

But suddenly he sat up straight - as straight as he could - and looked at you in complete horror.

“What is it, Jes??” you blurted out before you could even begin to realize what was going on.

“Damn it, I just realized something. I’m not the hottest bisexual in the team OR this relationship anymore! How could you do this to me!?” he exclaimed, not managing to stay serious any longer.

You started joining him in his laughter.

“What about Nina? She is a goddess! Don’t disrespect her, my dear. Not in my presence!” you managed to throw in between the fits of laughter.

“Ohhhh, Nina is your woman crush! That makes sense, I don’t blame you for that.” he analysed, also almost breathless.

“Woman crush? Do you have a man crush?” you asked with a teasing grin.

“Uhm, I- I did have something like a “crush” on Kaz a few years ag-”

“Kaz?? You had a crush on Kaz Brekker?? Oh, love, I’m not letting that one go.”

Following a few more jokes - at Jesper’s expense -, both of you decided that it was time to go to sleep. The night was spent cuddling without the previous anxiety of having to hide something from your boyfriend.

The next morning, Jes had already been awake for quite a while, but he didn’t think of getting out of bed.

When you woke up, he was tenderly stroking your hair, giving you a cheeky good morning kiss on the cheek.

“G’mornin’ darling. Slept well?” he murmured, sleep still evident in his voice.

You mumbled an inaudible yes before returning the good morning kiss.

“Do you want to tell the others too?” he asked.

“Yes, I just don’t know how yet. To be honest, I don’t feel like making a big deal out of it. I just feel like they should know.”

"We’ll find a way. In the worst-case scenario, I’ll just have to Jesper Fahey it.” he added, flashing you a flirty smile.

After getting ready, you walked down to the cosy kitchen area of the Slat, all the others were already seated at their respective places.

“There you are! We thought you went missing or something. Welcome back to the land of the living, sleepyheads.” Nina’s cheery voice came to greet you after you entered the room.

Only then you realized that you had overslept drastically, but you were sure to use it to your advantage.

“Good morning guys, I’m sorry, we didn’t really get a lot of sleep last night.” Jes commented.

“Oh, I can imagine that.” Matthias remarked, earning a half-serious, half-playful jab to the ribs from his girlfriend.

“No, not because of that. I just had to spend a lot of time consoling Jesper yesterday.” you said, showing Jes a fake sympathetic gesture.

“Did something happen?” Inej asked with furrowed brows.

“Yes, he realized that he is no longer the hottest bisexual in this team since I’m officially replacing him.” you said while sitting right next to Wylan.

There was a short-lived silence before the Crows got what you just said. Wylan and Nina gave each other a knowing glance, before starting to strike up a conversation filled with reassuring comments and remarks. Even Inej joined in. Kaz and Matthias didn’t say much, but you could tell that they were also really proud of you for coming out to them.

“Wait a second? The hottest bisexual in the team? I love you dearly Y/N, but where am I in this equation???” Nina shrieked, leading the whole team to start chuckling.

[beccalendsahand]

Predictions and Thoughts on Shadow and Bone Season 2

Wanted to write out all my thoughts here coz I need to talk about this! Enjoy a short little break from Takarazuka posting as I chat about the other fandom I am most passionate about, the Grishaverse! (This will contain spoilers for season one and the Six of Crows duology)

So I have been theorising non-stop ever since season 1 ended about how they are going to continue including the Six of Crows characters in the Shadow and Bone story, especially with the introduction of Wylan into the cast, and now with this Entertainment Weekly article, we can finally start to put the pieces of the puzzle together!

First of all, my thoughts on the big news about Ruin and Rising being included in the new series. I think it's important to reiterate that the article does NOT say it will cover the entirety of Ruin and Rising which seems to be miss reported in the majority of fandom posts I've seen. Instead, it says they "will also cover events from Ruin and Rising" which suggests it will be partially covered. Whilst this still makes me a little worried about the show's pacing, I'm not too scared by this. If memory serves me right the events of Ruin and Rising pick up straight after where Siege and Storm left off (please correct me if I'm wrong, I don't have the books on me at the moment) so I could see them continuing on a little further into Ruin and Rising if they wanted a more substantial ending to the season rather than a full-on cliff hanger. What does make me worried is their mention of a plot point from another book that even surprised Leigh Bardugo. This could be good or bad! But it has motivated me to finally start King of Scars in case there's anything from there, so well done writers!

Now about the crows! I've seen a split in fan opinion about this, some are happy that the creators are waiting before they start the ice court and others are upset because of the worry of deviating too much from the Six of Crows story by having to fill in another season of backstory and also the very real worry that the show will be cancelled before we get to it. I am in the former camp. I think this is a great idea personally. I've decided I'm just not gonna think about the possibility of cancellations coz I just want to enjoy the show whilst we have it, I don't want to be worrying about the what-ifs, so for now, assuming we do get to continue the show this is definitely the right way to go. And there's definitely still so much potential for things to cover before we get to the Ice Court heist.

First of all, Nina. When Six of Crows starts Matthias has been in Hell Gate for a year, I doubt he will be in it for that long (unless the show begins after a time skip) because they need to justify why they introduced him in the first place in season 1, as the Nina Matthias storyline was probably the most disjointed from the main plot in season 1. But I do think that this gives potential to show us how Nina got involved with the crows and how she became so close with them, particularly Inej. The two have a really strong bond in the books but we don't get to see how it started so I'm looking forward to seeing that!

Next Wylan. Wylan has definitely been the Crow that has confused us all with what the writers have planned for season two, and now that we know he is not there for the Ice Court heist I think it's safe to say that like Nina we have the potential to see the early stages of his involvement with the crows. We know Wylan had been working for the crows before the Ice Court and that Jesper was the one that was sent by Kaz to hire him, but we don't know much outside from that. So I feel this season will be a good way to fill that in, and from the wesper content we've seen, this is definitely going to happen. I think the biggest mystery will be if we find out he is a Van Eck this season or if they are saving it till Ice Court time, because the character development they can do with him I feel is so reliant on his relationship with his father, so it will be so interesting to see what they decide to do with that. Also, will we get the start of the Wesper romance? The worry with waiting for the Ice Court heist to happen whilst having these characters already established is what does that mean for the romance plot lines, will they be put on hold or will they have them developed before the storyline even starts? On that note, let's told about my favourite ship of all time Kanej.

Like everyone else I have been obsessing over that one teaser photo ever since it dropped. WHAT ARE THEY DOING?! I originally thought it was a flashback of Kaz giving Inej her first knife but then I saw a post pointing out that the painting behind them is the one from episode one that Kaz supposedly stole recently, so then what is it? She did loose a knife when she killed the Ravkan soldier to save Kaz, so maybe he's giving her a new one? But also when zooming in and turning up the brightness I can't see anything in his hands, maybe he's just taking off his gloves? I've given up but Amita saying it was her favourite scene to film has made me very excited to see what that scene will be!

Freddy and Amita pulled off the Kanej relationship so well, I started the series having not read the books and even though they had no love confessions or anything, the looks they gave each other were enough for me to start obsessing over them and was one of the big reasons for why I started reading the books with Six of Crows instead of Shadow and Bone. I just HAD TO KNOW if they were going to end up together or not. I feel like the development of their relationship in season 2 could go one of two ways, either it starts to accelerate into the kind of developments we see in the Six of Crows books OR it starts to goes backwards. What I mean by this is that one criticism I saw a lot of fans have with season 1 was how Kaz was not as scary or intimidating as he was in the books and that he calls Inej by her name and not the Wraith. I've never had much of a problem with this, maybe because Freddy's Kaz was my introduction to the character, but even so, from the standpoint that Shdow and Bone is a prequel to Six of Crows I think it makes sense, at least with his relationship with Inej. Season 1 was Inej's origins as the Wraith, she hasn't made her first kill when we first meet her and so there is no reason for Kaz to call her that. At the end of the season, a Ravkan soldier calls her "Wraith" which makes me think that this is the start of that legend and identity being associated with her. At the end of season 1 Kaz says "We need you...I need you" which you could be parallel to "Stay in Ketterdam...stay with me" at the end of book 1 of Six of Crows. Now, this sets up for two possible outcomes, either Kaz is going to start opening up more in the next season OR he could start getting all angsty and pushing her away coz he feels like being in love with her is a weakness and THAT'S when we start seeing him call her the Wraith. This will absolutely kill me, but it makes the most sense if they want to save the Kaz and Inej romance stuff for later seasons and will also help with wanting to make Kaz more like book Kaz. From the teaser trailer, it already looks like they are going to make him darker so I think this is a very real possibility for Kanej next season.

And now finally, how the hell is this all going to intertwine with the Shadow and Bone storyline? Really...I have no idea. As said above Matthias can't be in Hellgate for the entire season because they need to justify his character being in the series. My best guess is they are going to need him for something else, not the Ice Court and I feel like they may try and merge this with Shadow and Bone in some way. In the final episode, Inej tells Alina that "My hand is yours" I wouldn't be surprised if Inej's faith and Nina's duty to Ravka get them involved in the Shadow and Bone crews storyline in some way. The Fjerdans aren't mentioned a huge amount in the Shadow and Bone books (that I can remember?) but as they have been established in the series because of the crows, I wouldn't be surprised if the writers make them more involved in some way and by doing that make Matthius valuable to the plot, but only time will tell...

Overall I am very scared but also very excited. I have faith that it will all work out coz I really feel like Shadow and Bone was made by people who genuinely care about the series and its fans. Season 1 had so many fun little Easter Eggs, and there is so much attention to detail in the sets, costumes, and script that I think we really could be getting something special with this new season, so fingers crossed!

What do you think of my ideas? Do you agree/disagree? I'd love to hear your thoughts and theorise together!

[ace-in-a-shopping-cart]

Home

Summary: Kaz comes home the day before Winter Solstice and spends a sleepy evening with Reader Word Count: 3,387 CW: Food mention, soft! Kaz

Y/N stepped out of the office, eyes blinking against the brighter lights, when they heard shouting coming from the entry hall of the Slat and filling the ground floor. “What’s all this racket about?” Their voice echoed through the stairwell, spreading to the whole building. 

“Kaz and the others are back!” Pim shouted, running past them to the kitchen. Y/N smiled and quickened their steps to get to the door and see Kaz for themself.

The couple might never have the types of grand greetings that are found in romance novels. The type where the love interest is swept off their feet into a hug, twirling around and around before they’re set on their feet but still held close. Y/N might never be able to run to Kaz and have him catch them, laughter echoing in the rooms. They might never kiss like they had been drowning and the other was air, like it was the only thing they could ever want again. Romance novels always put such emphasis on the physical aspect of reunions, expressing the emotions with touch. Still, Kaz and Y/N had their own way of doing things. A way they both preferred and one that was just as intimate, if not more so, than any romance novel.

Y/N felt like a weight lifted from their chest and they could finally breathe again when they caught sight of Kaz across the room, surrounded by the Dregs who were all chattering at once. He was leaning against the wall, cane placed between his feet. Dark circles lay beneath his eyes and he looked exhausted, in need of a meal and a bath before sleeping. Still, his eyes searched the crowd and came to rest on Y/N, twinkling with joy. His shoulders relaxed almost imperceptibly when he found them, like a weight had been lifted from them, too. It was good to have him home.

Y/N clapped, getting the attention of every Dregs member. “Okay, people, pack it up! Give them some room to breathe, you skivs! You can ask for stories tomorrow but right now, the sun’s setting and there’s money to be made! It might be the Winter Solstice tomorrow but you’ve still got work. Go do your jobs.”

The crowd scattered out every door, some blowing cold wind in from outside, leaving just Kaz and his crew standing in the kitchen, a pot boiling on the stove. Y/N calmly walked to the stove and looked into the pot, ignoring the way their heart was racing and the desire to search Kaz for injuries. “Anyone know what’s in this?”

“Soup?” Kaz said, voice rougher than Y/N remembered it being, a scratch in it that hadn’t been there before. He must have run into some dust on the way back or the smog was clogging him more than he’d noticed. 

They hummed and grabbed a spoon, dipping it into the liquid. “I can’t tell what kind it is but it’s definitely soup. Does anyone want any?”

Jesper laughed, heaving a pack onto his shoulder. “I’d love to, darling, but Wylan is waiting for my safe return and I’d rather eat with him.”

Y/N nodded. “Alright, take the next day off to sleep and recharge before coming back for work if you still want it.” Jesper mock-saluted them and disappeared out the door, letting another blast of cold air hit the kitchen and a flurry of snow drift across the stoop.

The rest of the crew filed out after him, some desperate to get to their beds and others grabbing their food to eat in the relative silence of their rooms. Y/N dished out the bowls of soup, letting people grab them as they went past. Kaz came over and grabbed a steaming bowl, sitting at the table shoved against one wall as he ate.

“So, how’s my gang? Did you burn the Crow Club down yet?” He turned to look at Y/N, eyes twinkling and nose red from the cold. His coat still dripped and his boots were wet, scarf unwound and hanging from his shoulders. He’d never looked better.

Y/N faked a laugh. “Har har har, Kaz. You left them in capable hands, remember?”

He looked up at them, tiredness warring with the affection in his eyes. “I know, my love. I left them in the best hands possible.”

Y/N wrinkled their nose at him playfully before sitting a chair away and talking about the gang. Barely any of it was done on paper, only the official transactions of property and the higher paying jobs. Even then, that documentation was rare and encrypted. It was easier to simply discuss it at times. When Kaz finished his food, the couple moved to the office and Y/N went over the finances for the Crow Club, showing him everything was in order. They knew he needed to see the records before he would relax for the night but it didn’t stop them from wanting to send him to bed the whole time. He looked almost dead on his feet, exhausted from the long trips and high stakes heists he had just been pulling off for the past two months.

Y/N glanced up from the pages to see Kaz leaning against the wall, collar squished against his neck and eyes drooping. They laughed and he startled, standing up straight again. “Alright, Kaz, darling, let’s get you to bed.”

He nodded and sleepily followed them up the stairs to their shared room, carrying his bags. Y/N opened the door and let him enter first, already sitting on the bed. They laughed as they uncuffed their white dress shirt. “Do you need help with anything?”

Kaz shook his head. “No.”

They nodded. “Okay, at least take off your outer layers, belt, and shoes before lying down to sleep. We don’t need to track snow into it.”

Kaz started undressing and Y/N shifted to looking at a few pages on the desk they’d kept in the attic room. “Are you coming to bed?” Kaz asked, causing them to turn around.

“Not at the moment, I was thinking of staying up for a bit longer.”

He hummed and dug through his bag. “At least come sit on the bed?” He hesitated, cheeks faintly flushing but tongue loosened by exhaustion. “I missed you sleeping next to me. It’s not the same without you.”

Y/N smiled and walked over to him. “Of course, dear. Let me change first.” They dropped a quick kiss on his still clothed shoulder and changed into something with long sleeves, both for the cold and for Kaz, before grabbing a few documents from the desk to go over. When they made it back to the bed, the couple of three years shifted the pillow wall around, setting a few extra back up.

Usually, Kaz was fine with brushing of skin and was more comfortable with sleeping beside someone, but Y/N didn’t want to push him after just getting back. He was stressed and exhausted enough, it would do no good to try to force him back to usual habits. Still, Kaz kept the wall at the head shorter than usual and left a small gap toward the middle.

He sat on the bed and handed Y/N a stack of envelopes bound in twine. “Here.”

Y/N hummed, setting down the documents to take the bundle. “What’s this?”

Kaz focused his eyes on shifting the multitude of blankets around as he got settled. “They’re letters. I wrote to you every morning I could before our days really got started, talking about the day before. I couldn’t risk posting them but I at least dated them.”

Y/N smiled softly at Kaz. “Thank you. Unfortunately, all I can give you in return is paperwork and reports, nothing as touching as this.”

He leaned across the pillows, lips brushing their cheek before pulling away again. “You took care of my gang and our business while I was gone. That’s all I could have asked for from you.”

“Thank you for the reminder, love. Get some sleep, okay?”

He nodded and laid down, arm slipping through the gap he’d made in the pillows. He grabbed a small portion of Y/N’s night clothes and held it between his fingers, reminding himself they were there without touching them. Y/N smiled, brushing a strand of hair off his forehead, and saw his chest rise and fall with even breathing. Kaz was always quick to sleep when he had the opportunity and time to.

Y/N settled in, careful not to jostle Kaz’s hand, and unbound the letters. They were ordered earliest to latest so they picked up the first and began reading. None of the letters were very long, just enough time in the morning to give a brief update on the job and a ramble about his feelings. They were reminiscent of the notes that would litter his desk when they first became a couple, when he was struggling with voicing affection and found it easier to write it out and hand it to them at some time or another. 

Y/N,

We’re only a few days into the journey. Jesper is already going stir crazy due to being a day on the open waters. I don’t much care for boats myself but if I have to deal with him being bored for another week I’m going to throw him overboard with minimal regret. Anika and Pim are integrating well into their roles and the group dynamic. Thank you, dear, for suggesting we bring them along and make them official Crows. They’re going to be invaluable.

About this time of day, you’re probably just waking up. I wonder what your thoughts are for the day. Are you thinking of me? Was your first thought, as mine has been every day I’ve been gone, that we are not waking beside each other? Or, ever the practical one, do your thoughts turn instead to the work ahead? Do you save the thoughts of me for when night has fallen and secrets shine brighter? I think of you constantly, my dear. Any waking moment that is not spent thinking about the job and my crew is dedicated to thoughts of you.

I already miss your wit and your help with plans. I forgot what it was like to not have someone around with matching intellect.

Forever yours, K

Kaz shifted beside them when Y/N finished the third letter. His grip on them changed; moving closer to the pillow wall, Kaz threw a leg over it and let his arm drape over Y/N’s torso. They carefully picked up a thinner pillow and slid it under his arm, smiling at the peaceful expression on his face. They shifted into a more comfortable position, sliding closer to Kaz while doing so, and continued with the letters.

Dear,

We’ve arrived at our destination and, unfortunately, Jes is still alive and in one piece. That’s good for the job, but bad for my sanity. I’m glad we’re back on dry land and still moving forward, more glad to be out of the minimal confinement of the ship. Jes is happy to have more space to exist in and more things to capture his attention. He has enough energy at this point to power one of the Fjerdan tanks if something like that were possible.

We’re heading out as soon as we can. I myself am eager to get the job in motion. Every day means one more away from you but also one closer to being by your side again. A weaker man would say it was agony and a lesser one would say it was tortuous. I trust you to take care of yourself and our gang and business while I am gone but still miss you. I hadn’t noticed how much I relied on you to be by my side until a sea separated us.

None of the others have the same breathing patterns you have when falling asleep. I can’t bear even the thought of trying to sleep beside someone else to seek comfort. Instead, I’m resigned to little to no sleep until I arrive home to you. All going well, that day should be three weeks from now.

Forever yours, K

My love,

The plan is in motion and my letters will get sparser. We’ve reached the town where the mark is, now all we need to do is somehow get into the mansion. There’s a large party being thrown soon and we plan to sneak into that to get to the mark.

Not much can be said about the town. It’s a typical Ravkan town, no poorer or richer than most others I’ve passed through at one time or another. You should see it, the whole place is covered in snow as white as can be. Nothing like the grey snow we usually have. The air is clearer than in Ketterdam and, out in the countryside at least, the stars can be clearly seen. It’s a moment of weakness, I know, but every night I try to catch even a glimpse of the moon and wonder if you’re looking at it as well. Two years of living with you has granted me the ability to say things like that, at least to you and you alone, without any sense of shame.

I hope you are doing well and that you are taking care of yourself. I’ll come back to you as soon as I can.

Forever yours, K

Darling,

These addresses are getting worse as time goes on.

The job went smoothly with minimal hitches. Jesper almost blew his cover and Pim got banged up pretty good but we’re all still alive and ambulant. The crew voted to keep going so we stopped at a small inn for the night. Anika and Jesper are grabbing something for us to eat before we hit the road back. It feels like we’ve been gone longer than the five weeks it’s been and we’ve still got another two or three weeks of traveling.

I dreamt of holding you last night. It was just us on the bed, no pillows between us. You were laying in my arms, head on my chest, and reading something. I don’t remember what it was but it’s not important. The dream felt so real and I woke with a bittersweet feeling in my chest. Maybe one day I can reach a place where I could hold you as casually as that dream was. Brush my hand across your back as I pass, put a hand on your waist as I stand by your side, wrap you in a hug. I want to do those things with you and I know you want them too. I am thankful every day that you are willing to wait for me to progress at my own pace. Maybe it’s time we start pushing it a bit more, actively working on it rather than just let time take its course.

Forever yours, K

Joy of my heart,

We board the ship today. It’s even colder on water than it is on land. Only another two weeks at sea until I’m back home with you. Look for me on the horizon when you have the time. My nerves are buzzing. It might be from anticipation of seeing you or it’s the dread of another boat and another few weeks of dealing with Jesper slowly losing his mind. All I can do is hope my own sanity is intact by the time I disembark from the ship.

By then, I’ll only be a few minutes away from seeing you. That day cannot come soon enough.

Forever yours, K

Y/N smiled softly at the beginning of the final letter. They curled closer to Kaz on impulse, his arm tightening over their waist as they did so.

The only good part of my soul,

The sun is barely above the horizon and I can see Ketterdam in the distance. I cannot contain the elation I feel. Only a few more hours and I’ll be at your side once more. Wait for me, my love. Soon enough, we will be able to get a proper night’s sleep for the first time in two months. Routines will settle back in like well worn coats, picking back up right where they left off. In the morning, you can regale me of all I need to catch up on for the gang and club. We can be as professional as we need to be in front of others but behind closed doors, I just want to be close to you. That’s all I ask from this life. To bring me back to you, let me see you and know that you are safe.

In the future, remind me to drag you along with me if I ever attempt another such caper. This long stint away from you was the most intense torture I’ve ever experienced. The lack of sleep, mind always worrying about you, heart always longing for your help and advice, all combined to drive me mad. Even my own senses betrayed me, simultaneously seeing or hearing you around every corner and knowing you were far away in the most deadly city in the world. The dreams of you, so vivid they felt real and always sleeping better when they came as they brought a peace with them I’ve only ever been able to find in your presence, were the sweetest torture of all as they soothed my longing for you while making me want to come back to you even more.

Now, I am within hours of seeing you again. Hearing your voice. Feeling your presence. Y/N, my love, I feel like counting down the minutes. I cannot imagine what my life would be like today if I hadn’t met you and I am grateful you are in my life.

Yours, forever and always, K

Y/N carefully wrapped the twine back around the letters and placed them in the side table drawer. Their eyes darted to the small pile of presents against the wall before they blew out the lamp and laid back down, curling toward Kaz slightly. Lips curling into a smile, Y/N closed their eyes and listened to his steady breathing, focusing on the feeling of his arm around them, even if it was through a pillow. It was nice to have him home, something just felt right with him by their side. It was always harder to sleep with him gone, not having him beside them. His warmth was welcome, as was his general presence that made them feel safer.

Quietly, they whispered, “I did dream about you. I thought about you every day you were gone, wishing you were home every second. You’ve never left my mind since you left the Slat. It’s good to have you back and I’m going to smother you in as much love and affection as you can stand come morning.”

The next day was a holiday and Y/N was going to keep Kaz in bed for as long as possible, they were going to spoil him as rotten as he would let them and had deliberately worked the finances and jobs to have the Winter Solstice off. Y/N was going to make up for the time spent apart in any way possible, staying as close to Kaz come morning as he would let them.

Their hand reached out tentatively and Y/N gripped the hem of Kaz’s shirt, just enough to remind them he was there. They loved the feeling of him all around them: his breathing in their ears, his touch on their side and the feel of his shirt in their hand, and the natural smell of him that had become so familiar to them and was embedded in the bedding. With all of that, Y/N drifted off with a smile on their face. The rest that came that night for both of them was peaceful and deep, both holding tight to the person they’d missed for the past months, both relaxing deeper into sleep with the other’s breathing acting as a lullaby.