#where do you find your reality between a million different versions of the same truth

[nyxi-pixie]

NURSEE shes out thinking about the tragedy of seers again!!!!!

[inkandpen22]

Permanent Chaos (1/?)

Pairing: MGK x Female!Reader

Warnings: Swearing 

Word Count: 2.8k

Part Summary: Y/N is a newly famous actress from a popular TV show and she’s willing to do everything in her power to maintain her perfect image as “America’s Sweetheart.” 

Masterlist

The limelight is a hard place to be under. It’s draining to constantly be on display. Day in and day out I feel as though I’m always looking into a mirror. However, a mirror is replaced by people’s eyes. I see myself through other’s eyes. Being sat on a slippery plastic stool while being watched by millions of Americans before they head off to work is an excellent way to start my day. Perhaps if I keep telling myself that I’ll eventually believe it. Savannah glances down at her cards then continues with the interview.

“Let’s go back to a year ago, if someone approached you and said “you’ll be the most sought after girl in America,” would you had believed them?”

I shake my head “not all.”

If only she knew how absent I am in the current moment. I’ve answered similar questions a million times these past few months. All the exact same questions within the same routine.

“Now, being as famous as you are, how do you cope with your newfound fame?”

There it is, famous. A better-sounding word than popular. After all, adult life is nothing like high school… right?

“I don’t particularly like the word “famous.” When people say “you’re famous!” What they really mean is “a lot of people know you!” At least people think they do.”

She studies me, intrigued by my honest answer, perhaps too honest. “You’re saying America doesn’t know the “real” you? Including your fans?”

I shrug, I can only imagine Nicole’s face right now. My usual bubbly and charmingly excited personality didn’t wake up with me at three this morning.

“I believe they know whatever version of me they’ve created. For some, I’m that girl from the cover of that one magazine they saw in line at the grocery store. For others, I may just a name without a face. That’s the thing about being so-called “famous.” I’ll never have the chance to meet every single person who has ever read an article about me or has seen paparazzi videos. They’ll only see those tainted versions of me. They’ll never have the opportunity to know me personally and make a valid judgment for themselves.”

Savannah hums, her eyebrows scrunched up. “How do you feel about that?”

I sigh, the words settling within me. “It’s disappointing.”

If only they all knew the truth, the reality of it all.

______________________________________________________

After the interview for the show, I fly straight back to Los Angeles from New York. My schedule has been worse, but I never miss the chance to complain to my manager. Thankfully, Nicole is a mother of tween girls and a ten-year-old boy so she knows how to take my childish whining. Once we’re landed in LAX I countdown the minutes until I can return to my bed.

“I don’t understand why you insist on wearing heels on the plane,” Nicole nags me.

“Because you never know who you’re gonna meet! Best to dress nicely just in case!”

It’s been a rule of mine since I first discovered my style and began to wear makeup, never go out in public without looking and feeling confident. I’ve learned that people can sense when others don’t feel confident and take advantage of that.

“I doubt your Mom would like it,” she nags.

“Well she’s not in California is she?” I fire back but snicker slightly.

My momma’s absence was bitter-sweet, in the beginning, now it’s all sweet. When we have our luggage, Nicole leads me through the airport to where the car is picking us up.

“You may want to put on your sunglasses now. We’re about to cross the line,” she warns.

I grab my glasses out of my purse like she instructed and slide them on. She was right, as soon as we cross over that taped line it’s a free-for-all for the paparazzi.

“Y/N!” “Y/N!”

“HEY! SHOW US A SMILE!”

The yelling doesn’t bother me as it used to in the past. Now, it’s the clicking. The clicking from their cameras. A constant *click* *click* *click*, from each of the thirty cameras. Nicole attempts to create a path for me by walking ahead.

“HOW WAS YOUR TRIP TO NEW YORK?”

“Good, thank you” I reply politely with a smile toward the tile floor.

I try to manage a balance when it comes to paparazzi. They have their job and so do I. Following me, taking pictures or videotaping me is their job. As long as they respect me, I will respect them. Nicole says it’s good for my image. My image wasn’t the first reason I was nice toward them, I was being myself. Nowadays, I’m hardly myself. I have my name, Y/N Voss, but it no longer feels like my name. The paparazzi are not used to getting easy responses out of people because there’s a long pause before the next question.

“WHEN DOES FILMING START BACK UP FOR THE SHOW?”

The question comes from a different voice but that doesn’t keep me from answering.

“In two days!” I gleam, looking forward to returning to set.

“CAN YOU GIVE ANY INFO ABOUT THE NEW SEASON?”

I chuckle a little but think it over. I agreed in my contract not to give out spoilers but there is a little info I was told I can let out. Plus, I’ve only seen the script for the first episode so I don’t know too much.

“I can say that Hollyn will have a bump start this season but no worries,” I answer vaguely but with interest.

Nicole and I manage to reach outside and she guides me down the sidewalk to where the car is supposed to pick us up.

“RUMOR HAS IT YOU’RE DATING SOMEONE! CARE TO COMMENT?”

“I’m very much single,” I laugh, finding the topic humorous. “Not enough hours in the day to share them!”

There are always rumors that I’m dating someone though none of it’s true.

“YOU LOOK GREAT TODAY Y/N!”

“YOU ALWAYS DO!”

“Thanks, boys!” I give my appreciation. 

The driver gets out of the front and pops the trunk. Nicole informs me to get in the car and let her worry about our things along with the driver.

“WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THE SUMMER?”

I open my door but pause to answer the last question. “Work, of course, but I also want to have some fun.”

“HAVE A GREAT SUMMER!”

“SEE YA LATER Y/N!”

They all hurry to get some last shots and I grant them a couple of seconds.

“You too! See you guys later!” I wave goodbye then climb into the car.

Nicole gets in a minute later and gives the driver the address. “You did great back there,” she compliments.

“Eh, it was nothing. I was only answering their questions.” I remove my glasses and get settled in as best as I can for the hour drive home.

She pulls out her binder full of scheduling material for me.

“Yes, but you were willing and kind. The public and media appreciate that! You’re becoming America’s Sweetheart!”

I would never admit it to Nicole but that title she keeps pushing makes me anxious every time I hear it. None of this was planned, it was thrown at me. Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m grateful for what I have but geez! When everyone is telling you a whole country adores you, how are you supposed to handle that? Especially at eighteen. It was no more than a year ago I was back in South Carolina and just another girl in high school. Now, I’m supposed to be “America’s Sweetheart.” I’ll play the part but it doesn’t make the job any less intimidating.

__________________________________________________________

My best friends/co-stars, Sam and Penelope, meet up with me for dinner to celebrate my first night back in town after the press tour. The three of us have been dividing our time around the country working on various projects between filming the show. Any time we can all get together is a gift.

Ever since I’ve known Sam Merka, girls flung themselves at him. Even I’ll say it, he’s a good-looking guy. If Grant Gustin had a younger brother, it would be Sam. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea, we’re just friends. A sibling sort of bond. Since he’s eight years older than me, he likes a big brother.

Though Penelope is older too, one can’t tell since I tend to act more mature. I’m jealous of her sun-kissed long blonde hair and dark brown eyebrows. We all kinda got thrown into our friendship. Having to play life-long friends an hour after meeting for the first time was, to say the least interesting. Five years later, and we are like three peas in a pond. A mini family to have each other’s back in the big city.

For dinner, we agreed on The Nice Guy, an Italian place in West Hollywood. The most important aspect of the place is the amount of privacy it grants. The interior is a lounge, super lowkey, with booths, couches, and coffee tables but there are no photos allowed. Since no photos can be taken that means the three of us and others can enjoy ourselves in peace. Sam called dibs on being designated driver as per usual as the “bodyguard” for us girls. The paparazzi tend to hang out around the restaurant because it’s a well-known spot for celebrities.

“Maybe we can slip past them,” Sam says optimistically as we exit the car.

He meets me around the front and Penelope joins us after getting out of the backseat.

“HEY! HEY! HEY!”

From in front of the restaurant, a ripple of cameras begin to take notice of us.

“IT’S THE KIDS FROM THE SEASONS OF LIFE!”

“Yep, we really snuck past them!” I tease Sam playfully.

He huffs, annoyed with the situation. Sam loves his job but hates the lack of privacy aspect. He isn’t a fan of crowds either which I can understand. However, he’s great at masking it behind his charming smile. It’s what we were trained to do. Yet, Sam is better at managing a crowd mentally overall than I am. He understands how they affect me sometimes. The swarm of photographers rushes up to us. Sam leads the way toward the restaurant door. Penelope remains close, keeping a hand on my forearm to stay together. The cluster follows us down the sidewalk to the building.

“SAM! SAM! HEARD ABOUT THE GQ PHOTOSHOOT! CONGRATS ON GETTING THE COVER MAN!”

Sam chuckles next to me, “thanks, dude!”

“PENELOPE! RUMOR HAS IT YOU’LL BE SWITCHING OVER TO THE BIG SCREEN!”

“Exactly, it’s a rumor!” She replies a matter-of-factly.

The *click* *click* *click* and the flashing lights in the dead of night never fail to overwhelm me. Though, Nicole has told me I never appear overwhelmed when I interact with them. I force on the brave and confident face. I’m not me when I’m in front of cameras or important people, I’m Y/N Voss. I’m two very different people.

While I’m lost in thought, I get stuck when one photographer gets too close to my face with his camera and blinds me for a second. Sam and Penelope don’t notice my absence amongst the chaos until another photographer barks at the other to back off. Then, I feel Sam’s hand slip into mine and he protectively escorts me toward the door with determination.

“ANYTHING YOU TWO WANT TO SHARE ABOUT HOLLYN AND ELLIOT FOR NEXT SEASON?”

Hollyn and Elliot are Sam and my’s characters from The Seasons of Life, the show we star in together. Our characters have been on again off again for the past two seasons. According to the last season’s finale, the two are currently together, but of course, the season ended on a cliffhanger so their relationship isn’t very stable.

“Sorry guys, can’t share anything!” Sam answers, sounding a tad irritable.

“ANYTHING IN REAL LIFE? YOU TWO WERE BOTH IN NEW YORK THIS WEEKEND!”

“That’s true, but we never have the chance to meet up!” I reply nicely.

Press events for last season have come to an end and work officially begins in no time! Downtime for me is filming and it couldn’t come at a better time. I’ve missed being home in Los Angeles. Living out of a suitcase and sleeping each night on a plane isn’t the best way to live, at least for me. We finally reach the doors and I thank the heavens.

“Oh my gosh! There’s no way!” I hear what sounds like girls squealing and I slow down to see where it’s coming from. My hand slips from Sam’s as he goes on. When he’s determined to get away from the paparazzi, he can ignore the voices. Yet, when he notices that I do not follow he finally stops.

“Excuse me!” A girl calls amongst the clicking and shouting.

The paparazzi move aside a tad and create a path for me to see two young teens jumping up and down. They must be around fourteen I’m guessing, younger than me at least. I approach them to see what’s the matter. I can hardly see anything with all the bright lights.

“Hi! How are you?” I greet but once I get closer and cover my eyes with the flashing lights, I recognize them. “Sarah! Emma! How are you two?”

These two have been some of my biggest supports. They run a Youtube channel and create content about their reactions to episodes of the series. Somehow they manage to make appearances at any events relating to the show. I’ve met them numerous times at events, so have other members of the cast. Besides being two of the sweets girls in the world, they’ve created a fan page for me on Instagram and Twitter.

“Good, good!” Emma replies eagerly.

“It’s been so long since we last saw you!” Sarah adds.

“It really has! When was the last time we saw each other? During the press tour?”

They nod in unison as though they’ve rehearsed it.

“Well, group hug!” I hold out my arms and they gladly accept.

“Can we get a picture?” Emma practically begs, bouncing on her heels.

“Of course!” I take Emma’s phone and hold it out to the crowd of paparazzi. “Could one of you take our picture by chance?”

Many of the guys offer and I select a random one in front of me.

“Squeeze in tight!” I tell the girls as I stand between them and we wrap our arms around each other.

“One, two, three!” The man takes a couple of shots and hands, Emma, back her phone.

“Thank you!” The three of us say together.

We all hover over her phone to check out the pictures.

“So cute!” I awe at the photos.

“Y/N...” Sam places his hand on my back to usher me along.

“Oh, my-” Emma covers her mouth.

“Sam!” Sarah’s jaw is to the sidewalk.

“Hey girls!” he charmingly smiles.

He’s had the chance to meet them a few times while on the press tour and at other various events. I was there to introduce them which was one of the most entertaining moments of my life. I thought the girls were going to faint!

“Can we ask a quick question? It’s for our channel!” Sarah nervously bites her lower lip.

“Yeah, yeah, anything for you guys!” I answer without hesitation.

Sam wraps his arm around my waist while we’re talking to the girls and I don’t think much of it but the cameras begin to go nuts. The men behind them don’t say a word since we’re occupied but there they go *click* *click* click*.

“Is there any hope of you two getting together IRL?” Emma questions intently without hesitation.

I press my lips together with amusement and turn my head to Sam. He has the same look of pondering the question. He squints his eyes at me and then the two of us turn to the girls.

“Just friends,” we answer in unison.

“Best friends!” Sam adds playfully.

“Best friends forever ever!” I one-up him.

The two girls laugh with us, but it’s clear they’re a little disappointed.

“Well, I still bet on you two,” Sarah confidently points out.

Sam and I get a kick out of it. Our viewers want us together too.

“We better get going, our moms are waiting,” Emma informs us.

“Okay, quick hug!” I order and the four of us group hug.

We say our goodbyes and when the girls disappear the men behind the cameras start yelling.

“YOU’RE GREAT Y/N!”

“HOW DID YOU KNOW THEM?”

“Their names are Emma and Sarah. They run a popular Youtube channel, Twitter, and Instagram accounts for the show. Super sweet girls those two!”

“DO YOU KNOW ALL YOUR FANS?”

“I try to! I know a good amount!” I grin proudly.

Sam guides me into the restaurant and his hand never leaves my back. All of it is platonic of course, nothing more. As I told the paparazzi before, there isn’t enough time in my life for me to share any with someone.

 ________________________________________

Masterlist

Tags:  @canyoubuymetoast

[duhragonball]

Hellsing Liveblog Ch. 82-86

LIKE A BLOODY STORM

Atsuku LIKE A BLOODY STONE

So it’s come to this.   This is the “Black Onyx” arc and “Sorcerian Part 1″, where we finally get the payoff to the Major’s 55-year plot against Alucard.    Walter betrayed Integra, the Hellsing Organization, and the whole United Kingdom just so Millennium would give him a chance to beat Alucard, and he’s failing.   Alucard doesn’t see any point in dragging this out, so he’s sucking up all the fresh blood in London to power up and bring and end to this.   Also, if you’re just joining us, Alucard looks like a 14-year-old girl.    Just roll with it.

But the Major was counting on Alucard doing this, and apparently his plan to “poison the tyrant’s wine” involves his last henchman, Warrant Officer Schrodinger, cutting off his own head and adding his werewolf blood to Alucard’s meal.   Why would this matter at all?

Walter seems to understand, because he begs the Major to stop this, as if the Major could.

Desperate, he bisects Alucard with his wires, but it’s already too late for that.   Part of the secret behind Alucard’s invincibility is that he gains a 1-up for each person’s blood he consumes.   That’s what Anderson and Walter were banking on when they attacked Alucard before.   At the time, he had separated himself from the souls he had consumed, which meant that killing him once -- however tough that might be-- would finish him off.   But now it’s too late for that.  You kill him now and he’ll just come back and dare you to keep going.    And he’s taken the blood of like three million people at least.

So the Major observes that Walter’s window of opportunity has closed.   According to him, there’s only been two chances to beat Alucard in a fight since Abraham van Helsing captured him in 1898.   I assume he’s referring to Anderson and Walter’s respective efforts. 

No, Walter was never the final stroke in the Major’s plan, just part of the endgame.  All of Millennium’s resources were sacrificed to get to this moment.  Enrico Maxwell’s 9th Crusade?   The Major was counting on them getting involved, which is probably why he leaked and shared so much of his plans with the Vatican, even though his target was always London.   He wanted the Vatican to send all their best warriors to compound the horror, all so Alucard would use his full power to destroy them.

And then, once Alucard’s full power was deployed, the Major knew Anderson would step in and use everything at his disposal to kill Alucard.   This battle destroyed all of Alucard’s familiars, setting him up for Walter to take a turn.   And maybe Alucard could beat Walter without taking in more blood, but that;s never been Alucard’s style.   He sees himself as a loaded weapon at the disposal of Integra Hellsing.   He’s not going to drag things out for no reason, and Integra ordered him to destroy Walter, not humor him.

And maybe Walter was aware of all this, but he still believed he could buck the odds and kill Alucard before the Major’s winning move.  Walter’s a rook who fancied himself a king.   I guess that’s always been his problem.   This was never Walter’s story, and I guess he couldn’t handle that truth.  If he couldn’t be the hero, then he was content with being the villain, but in the end he was never more than a plot device, supporting whichever side he was on at the time.

And finally, it happens, whatever ‘it’ is.   Alucard somehow hears the Major saying that he’s lost.   Is the Major saying it?  I don’t think anyone else would be.  Whoever it is, he starts flashing back to all the other times he’s heard that.

Then he seems to realize something’s gone terribly wrong, and he pauses to notice the rising sun, which has been a common theme with all of his past defeats.   Then all these eyes appear on his body and begin winking out, one by one.  

Okay, so what the hell happened here?  Well, get comfortable, because this is going to take some time to unpack.

The key to all of this is Warrant Officer Schrodinger, a werewolf with the power to be “everywhere and nowhere”.   This sounds like he’s just a teleporter, like Nightcrawler from the X-Men, or.... Majik from the X-Men.    Well, it’s more complicated than that. 

Let me explain the “Schrödinger's cat” thought experiment, because that’s one of those things that’s widespread enough in pop culture that it’s easy to take for granted.  I think people understand it has to do with an imaginary cat being alive or dead, but that’s about all.   

The really short version of quantum mechanics is that subatomic particles don’t behave the same way as big objects like apples or planets or people.   It’s convenient to think of atoms as tiny little solar systems, with electrons orbiting the atomic nucleus.   But the reality is that electrons don’t revolve around elliptical orbits like the Earth around the Sun.   What happens instead is the electron zips around the nucleus all over the place, from all angles and directions.   What’s more, the electron can be at any particular spot at any moment.    So it’s less useful to think of an electron having an orbit around a nucleus.   What you have instead is this region where the electron is most likely to be at any particular moment.    And you can do the math and figure out what the shape of this region is.  You can’t locate the electron’s exact position at any particular moment, but you can consider the region where it’s most likely to be in an atom, which will resemble a sphere or a vaguely dumbbell kind of shape.  

This is what the Schrödinger Equation is for.   Erwin Schrödinger didn’t just talk about cats all day.   He postulated his equation in 1925 to work out the movements of electrons in atoms.   It was groundbreaking work, and he won a Nobel Prize for it in 1933, and don’t feel bad if you have trouble wrapping your head around all of this.   I’m a professional chemist and a lot of this is over my head. 

The point of the “Schrödinger's cat” concept was to help visualize how confusing quantum mechanics really is.   There are principles to subatomic particles that we know to be true, but they make no sense in our macroscale world.   For example, a particle might have a probability of being in multiple locations at a given moment.    It can only be in one place at a time, but until you actually perform the measurement to find out, it may as well be in all of those locations.    This is something called “superposition”, and I guess we could say that this idea is the basis for our wolfboy’s powers.

So Schrödinger (the scientist, not the furry) suggested a thought experiment where a macroscale event could depend upon a subatomic condition.   Like there’s some subatomic thing that could happen or not happen, and depending on the outcome, it would cause a poison to be dispensed that would kill a cat in a box.   If the particle goes one way, the cat dies, but if it goes the other way, the cat survives.    But both probabilities are equal, and supposedly both outcomes are true for the particle until you make the observation.    Therefore, you can’t know whether the cat lived or died until you open the box to look!   Indeed, according to quantum mechanics, the cat is simultaneously alive and dead until you open the box to see for yourself.  

How does that make any sense?   Well it doesn’t, and that’s the point Erwin Schrödinger was driving at.    In our large scale, things like gravity and being one place at a time are things we take for granted.  But on the quantum level, subatomic particles are governed by rules that seem completely paradoxical to us.    And yet, we’re not talking about some alternate reality here.   Those subatomic particles make up the atoms that make up us.  Cats, boxes, bottles of poison, they’re all just a huge pile of subatomic particles, each following these seemingly nonsensical rules.    They’re just organized in such a way that they give rise to bigger rules that make more sense to us.    Things like classical mechanics, chemical reactions, cats liking to be inside boxes, and so on.   As Erwin Schrödinger put it:

“It is typical of these cases that an indeterminacy originally restricted to the atomic domain becomes transformed into macroscopic indeterminacy, which can then be resolved by direct observation. That prevents us from so naïvely accepting as valid a "blurred model" for representing reality. In itself, it would not embody anything unclear or contradictory. There is a difference between a shaky or out-of-focus photograph and a snapshot of clouds and fog banks.”

In other words, we see the world as discrete outcomes.  We read the black letters on the page, and not the indeterminate spaces in between, or the hazy, unfinished thoughts of the writer.  That doesn’t mean the words on the page aren’t legitimate, or that the passing thoughts of the writer don’t exist.   We have to accept the seeming contradiction of it.   

So what does this have to do with Alucard?   Well, Schrödinger (the furry, not the scientist) has the ability to be like one of these subatomic particles.   Our were-boy probably can’t be literally everywhere, but he has this probability region of places where he can be, and it seems to cover at least half the world.   He’s appeared in Brazil, London, Zorin Blitz’s psychic visions, and so on.  He’s been shot twice in this story, but he just reappears like nothing happened to him at all.   It’s not like he teleported away in the nick of time, either.    We’ve seen his head burst open like a ripe melon.   Like Schrödinger’s cat in the thought experiment, he can be alive or dead at any given moment, so killing him doesn’t actually matter.  Warrant Officer Schrödinger can do all of this and he’s conscious of this ability.   So as long as he’s aware of himself, he can observe himself and direct himself to be in any location he so chooses. 

I would think getting shot in the face would interfere with this ability to control his power, but that’s probably where his werewolf nature comes in.   Like the Captain, he can grow back from a nasty headwound, so that gives him time to picture himself someplace else, and in better health.   Now that I think about it, that must have been a silver knife he used to cut his own head off.  

So when Alucard drank all that blood, he drank Schrödinger’s too, and just like when he drank Rip van Winkle’s blood and got the power to fire that magic musket, Alucard absorbed Schrödinger’s ability to be “everywhere and nowhere”.  Except that power only works when Schrödinger himself is conscious of it. And he’s not conscious of it anymore because he’s part of Alucard now.  Alucard might figure out how to control this power, but until he does, he can’t choose a location and be in that one place.   Instead, he’s “everywhere and nowhere” all the time.  So he’s experiencing all of his past moments simultaneously, with no control over his current position.  

That sounds bad, right?  Well it gets worse.   He drank all those other dead people’s blood too, so on top of his own perception, he has the perceptions of all 3 million plus of the souls he’s consumed.   So that just further complicates matters.   The bottom line is that Schrödinger’s ability is fundamentally incompatible with Alucard’s existence as a composite being made up of multiple absorbed lives. 

And since Alucard can’t just cough up Schrödinger’s blood, it’s too late now.   He’s got Schrödinger’s ability and he’s stuck with it, but he can’t control it, which means he just winks out of existence.   As the Major puts it, he’s now neither live nor dead nor undead.   He’s become like a series of imaginary numbers.  You’ll need to look that one up on your own time, folks, I spent enough time talking about quantum mechanics.

And you have to hand it to Kouta Hirano, this is a really clever way to bring down an overpowered seinen manga protagonist.  This whole time, all of these lower villains acted like they could just beat down Alucard if they applied enough brute force, but that was never going to get the job done.   For the purposes of this story, Alucard has been, almost by definition, unbeatable.   So the Major’s solution was to give him a new power, one that he would be unable to control.   It wouldn’t kill him, but killing Alucard seems like a fool’s errand anyway.  Instead, it just... makes Alucard go away, which is probably as close to destroying him as anyone could ever hope for.   He might still be alive in some semantic sense, but he can’t carry out his duties to Hellsing and the Crown, so the Major seems to have at least brought down what Alucard is expected to be. 

And there’s no way to stop it, because it’s already happened.  Integra commands him to stay, but it’s useless.  I like the way he signs off in the dub of the OVA, where he apologizes to Integra and says this is one order he cannot obey.  It’s just out of his hands.  

Then he vanishes, and all that’s left of Alucard is a bloody mark on the street, shaped like the Hellsing insignia on his gloves.   

Wait, so does this affect Seras too, since she was Alucard’s servant vampire?  Remember, way back in Chapter 1, Integra said that killing the head vampire would automatically kill any ghouls or vampires he creates.   So maybe Seras is gone too?

Hell naw.    Seras joins Integra in the Major’s command center, and she looks like she’s ready for some revenge.  Does she know what’s just happened?  I mean, she was furious at the Major to begin with, but she sensed Alucard’s return a while back when he floated up the Thames River.  Surely she sensed her own vampire dad winking out of existence.

Meanwhile, Walter had a front-row seat for Alucard’s disappearance.   At first he laughs with triumph.   I guess he must be giddy with relief, since he wanted to kill Alucard, and for a minute there it looked like Alucard had him dead to rights.   Imagine a guy’s about to murder you and then he just ceases to exist.   But it doesn’t take long for Walter to realize how hollow this all is.  He wanted to kill Alucard himself, and he bet everything just to get that one opportunity, and now he’s failed and he’ll never get another chance.   His body is giving out and he’s betrayed everyone who ever cared about him and he’s got nothing to show for it.   

Then Heinkel starts shooting at him with a sniper rifle.  Yeah, she never left the battlefield after Walter killed Yumiko.   The Captain stopped her from interfering before, but the Captain’s dead now and I guess she figures she’s got nothing to lose by trying again.   And I suppose the sniper act proves she’s learned from Yumiko’s fatal mistake.   Attacking Walter up close is dangerous.   

At first, Walter seems to invite this.   He even invites Heinkel to shoot him a few more times, as it’s a fitting punishment for a traitor.   If you’ve only seen the TFS Abridged version of Hellsing, they actually use this as Walter’s death scene, but in the original version Walter takes a few bullets and then leaves.  He says Heinkel can shoot him, but she doesn’t get to kill him.   I don’t think she even heard him say that, but whatever.

Instead, he uses his wires to board the Major’s airship one last time.

So remember how the Major was protected from Integra by a reinforced glass barrier?   Yeah, well Seras finds an 88mm cannon and shoots through it.   It also shoots through the hull of his ship and rings a large bell on the outskirts of town.   Right before she shoots, Integra orders Seras to “Search and Destroy” just like she always told Alucard.    It’s kind of sad, but Seras has automatically succeeded her master as Integra’s weapon.  I mean, it’s a triumph for Seras, but it comes at a heavy price for her.   She’s probably too enraged by what’s happened to appreciate this moment on all these other levels, but there’ll be time for that.

So there’s no way the Major could survive a cannon like that at pointblank range, right?   Wrong, the dude’s a fucking cyborg, and I guess Seras’ aim was a little off.   I suppose the downside to using big-ass guns is that you have trouble aiming at small targets.   Wait, no, what happened to all that “third eye” stuff from before?   What’s wrong with you, Victoria?  

Oh wait, she missed because she’s sad.    Aw... :`(

So we knew the Major had to be something to have survived this long without aging, but we had already learned he wasn’t a vampire.   He insists that he is still human, however, no different from a man with a pacemaker or an artificial limb.   His mind remains his own, even if it should be a brain in a life support system or backed up on a computer.   I’m not sure if either of these describes the status of the Major’s brain, but to his point, it doesn’t really matter.  He describes himself as Alucard’s polar opposite.  While Al is this beautiful monster who masquerades as a human, the Major is a human who resembles the grotesque form of a monster.   I’m not body-shaming the dude, I’m just reporting what he’s saying.  He’s taken a few fat jokes in stride, and I guess he’s got the same attitude about his cyborg body too.  He doesn’t seem to care if others find this unpleasant, because it’s better than being a vampire with a diluted self.

Arguably, this whole campaign to destroy Alucard was the Major’s effort to prove his claim on being human.   Alucard often said that only a human could defeat a monster like him, and the Major beat him, so doesn’t that prove he’s a human in the end?  

So Integra whips out her other gun, the one she didn’t use to shoot at the Major’s glass case, and they start shooting each other at pointblank range.   The Major’s a terrible shot, though, and yet somehow he manages to take out one of Integra’s eyes before she puts a bullet in his forehead.   I still don’t understand how you can shoot someone in the eye and not kill them.   Did the bullet just angle away from her brain or is the Major’s gun just really weak on stopping power?  

Anyway, Integra’s shot kills the Major, but not right away, so I guess it’s not just his original brain in there.   He’s just thrilled to have finally hit something after a lifetime of terrible marksmanship.    It’s a fitting reflection of his win over Alucard, because he and the rest of Millennium were warriors who had never won a war before.   In the end, I’m not sure the Major would have been disappointed if his plan had failed.   He’d never won before, so I don’t think another defeat would have bothered him much.    As it is, he dies contentedly, satisfied with his “good war”.   What a shithead.

So yeah, we’ve got three more chapters to go and then we’re done.   See you next time.

[zzinvolterra]

I’ve read your post about the downsides of having powers and I loved it cause I always thought it couldn’t be that easy. Now I want to know the others!

I have a couple of ideas but I’d love to read your headcannons for Aro, Marcus, Edward, Alice, Jasper... I mean... everyone with a power.

Have a splendid day and be safe!

[previous post]

Thank you so much, you too!!

// mentions of panic attacks, anxiety attacks, sensory overload //

Aro

When he touches someone, he can read every though the person has ever had.

The possibilities.  I think the primary concern would be losing or mixing up his own memories with others’ thoughts.  He’s come into contact with vampires with millions of their own thoughts many times, and because of his memory, they’re all locked in there, perfectly preserved forever.  (Also, the criminals that he would be reading would likely have quite gruesome memories.)  So forgetting who he is, experiencing constant déjà vu and horrific flashbacks (that aren’t his... or are they?), and becoming overwhelmed to the point where he can’t function are all very possible.

Marcus

He sees the relationships or connections people have to one another.

I suppose Marcus could occasionally be overwhelmed, perhaps experiencing headaches when looking at a large coven.  (Also, there’s so much honesty in his gift, meaning in nearly every relationship he has, he knows exactly how they feel about him.  Which could be painful at times.)

Didyme

Aura of happiness, I guess. [not a quote]

Didyme emits an aura of happiness that seems unconscious and may have occurred to a lesser degree as a human.  Like I mentioned before with Chelsea, every relationship she’s had could have been affected by that.  (...including Didyme/Marcus - would their love be the same if she didn’t have her Ability?)  And depending on how much her gift affects a person, she could be sobbing (vampirically) and everyone else in the room would still be grinning and laughing euphorically.

Everyone else is under the cut!

Edward

Edward can read the thoughts of anyone in close proximity to him...

I just started MS, so I’m not quite sure how this is in canon, but I imagine it would be quite easy for Edward to become overwhelmed, especially as a newborn when he didn’t know how to block out voices.  He could also experience migraines.  Plus, in terms of how much he’s got bouncing around in his head, he’s like Aro Jr.  Not Good.

Alice

She can see into the future, although what she sees is based on decisions being made; thus, she must wait for a decision to be firmly rooted in the mind or acted upon, before she can see the end result.

Her visions send her into an almost catatonic state, and she sees them often enough that there must be quite a few of them preserved in her mind.  She exists on a different plane of reality, really, that must make it harder for her to connect with others.  Could definitely see her experiencing constant déjà vu (she’s just living to catch up to her next vision) as well as anxiety attacks from trying to avert every single possible disaster.

Jasper

Jasper has the ability to both feel and manipulate the emotions of those around him.

It seems like Jasper is constantly inundated with the emotions of others, including their thirst, so him experiencing sensory overload is definitely possible.  He’s also able to manipulate others with his gift, so unconsciously influencing someone could be a concern of his.

Bella

Her mind is impenetrable; no one can read her thoughts unless she allows it.  She can shield herself from all types of psychic attacks and learns to shield those around her.

I like to think that Bella feels a dampened down version of whatever she’s blocking, especially when she’s expanded her shield.  For example, she could feel a stinging sensation when Jane attempted to Pain™ them in BD.

Resume

She can show people her thoughts by touching their skin.  So far, no one has been able to block her talent.

Sounds scary, but okay.  Maybe showing other people her thoughts drains her energy?  (While we’re talking about her, I support the headcanon that Resume is like an immortal child in the way that she draws people in and encourages them to die for protect her.  Her Ability could increase that effect.)  There are also some weird parallels between her and Aro.

Zafrina

Zafrina has a strong illusory talent.  She can make her target see any illusion she wants, or see nothing at all.

Hmm.  I suppose for Zafrina, she could perhaps experience a diluted form of her own Ability when using it on others for an extended period of time.  I’m assuming that she has to concentrate on what she wants them to see, and maybe after a while, she starts seeing bits of it herself.  Or, her own vision could start growing dimmer as she exerts more energy.

Eleazar

He has the ability to sense the type and strength of gifted vampires’ talents.

Eleazar is like a gift metal detector.  Consequences could be that being around powerful gifts, or many at the same time, could overwhelm him.  For example, getting headaches when he was part of the Volturi or during the army witness gathering in BD.  (And I’m assuming Aro visits him semi-regularly, which is not an enviable position to be in.)

Kate

She has the power to cause a painful, electric shock-like jolt in anyone she touches.

I think with Kate, she could become drained, especially if she’s touching more than one person or using her Ability for an extended period of time.  And until she fine-tuned her control over her gift, she was probably shocking everybody and was afraid to touch those she loved in fear of hurting them.

Benjamin

He can influence the elements – water, earth, fire, and air.  He is able to physically manipulate the world around him with his will, similar to telekinetic.

Because of his power, Benjamin wasn’t allowed to leave the house for years, so yeah.  Downside of being the Avatar is everybody wants you.  Also, it seemed, at least in my opinion, that he doesn’t have the greatest control over his gift - meaning every time he uses it, it’s large and powerful.  In the BD (movie) vision, he creates a chasm... that’s deep enough to reach magma?  (Fault lines!!)  So if he were to ever lose that bit of control over his Ability, he would do a lot of damage.

Maggie

She is able to tell if a person is lying.

Maggie is compelled to point out lies, to the point where she can’t stop even when people become uncomfortable and punish her for needing to state the truth.  Therefore, hearing lies could hurt her, mentally or emotionally.  It could also be sort-of an obsession of hers to have everything be the “truth”.  (Do with this what you will - basically what I’m trying to say is that Maggie is unable to not point out lies.)

Siobhan?

Some suspect she can affect the outcome of a situation through willpower alone.

If she does have an Ability, I suppose it could be that the outcomes she causes have unintended side effects - a bit like how Alice attempts to manipulate events, but those new events bring new potential disasters.

James

He was a skilled tracker, able to sense in advance the most likely moves of his prey.

Demetri-ish?  Hyper-aware of his surroundings.

Victoria

She was exceptionally good at evading enemies.

She’s canonically good at hide-and-seek...?  To me, it seems like an Ability that was invented to explain why nobody could find her, but all right.  Perhaps a mix of Afton, hiding-wise (though she doesn’t turn invisible-ish), and Bella, evading-Demetri-wise.

Fred

He has the ability to make anyone feel physically repulsed.  He can use this ability to make someone unable to think of him for a period of time.

In “The Second Life of Bree Tanner”, it seems like Fred’s Ability is always active.  Perhaps gaining control of that power could be difficult because, until he does, he pushes everyone away...(Reneta-ish?)  Also, he’s called “Freaky Fred”.  Rude.

Raoul

He had a limited ability to make others view him as their leader.  It worked best on those who were directionless.

This is hard because it almost seems like Raoul is just exceptionally charismatic.  Potential scenario: if his directionless followers somehow found direction, he would have to deal with an uprising.

Alistair

Alistair can track both people and things.  He can sense the general direction of whatever he is looking for, but it takes him a long time to narrow this feeling down to a specific location.

(He’s very good at finding those car keys.)  He would be aware of his surroundings, similar to Demetri but to a lesser degree.  Not sure if he’d be as overwhelmed as often since it seems like he needs to focus on something specifically to find it, but I imagine his first few years weren’t fun.

Charles

Charles can sense when someone is lying to him.

Maggie 2.0?  Or perhaps more accurately, Maggie 0.5?  Sounds like he’s essentially Maggie, but less affected by lies.

Mele

Could take Abilities and transfer them to other people.  However, she couldn’t use the gifts herself. [Also not a quote]

Gift snatched.  Her power on its own is not very helpful to her survival, since she can’t harness the gifts she takes, nor is it beneficial to her existence.  In my opinion, Mele, due to her Ability, will always be stuck in the position of serving someone (like Sulpicia in Life and Death) or be killed because she’s a threat (Aro).

[sheadre]

When Stars Collide (Jackson Wang x Reader) Part 2/2

Part One

Warnings: none

Jackson’s PoV.

He stared at his phone as he sat in his living room. Jackson felt so restless a long time ago, his heart was always thumping hard against his chest whenever he saw a picture of her. She was beautiful and her laugh was music to his ears. It’s been a week since he took her home after wrapping up the song at the studio. Ever since she debuted in N3XUS she drew his attention to herself in every music video or variety show.

Fans pointed out how badly her bandmates treated her and how much she was ignored by both the other girls and the company. She posted a few acoustic versions of their songs on her Instagram which left many people dumbfounded why her company was treating her so poorly. She was more than just talented. Jackson knew that he might fall in love with her right after he walked into the studio. Her voice was mesmerizing and it expressed so many feelings. He couldn’t help but stare at her in awe through the glass window.

He kept thinking back to that kiss she pressed onto his cheek as she said goodbye. He never thought he would feel like this. Even when he was so in love with Alice, it couldn’t compare to that buzzing he felt around (Name). Jackson sighed leaning back into his couch pulling a pillow into his arms, hugging it tightly. Then his phone went off startling him.

“Ey, man, I’m coming over with some take-out” sounded Bam Bam’s voice from the other end. “Jinyoung’s with me too.”

“Will you ever stop acting like you can just walk in here like you own the place?” Jackson sighed but smiled. Even after years of GOT7 ending, they were still as close as ever. Soon his doorbell rang and when he opened it, Bam Bam walked inside like he owned the place. He hung his head as he chuckled but his worry and nervousness never eased. Why couldn’t he just text her? Why was he so nervous?

“Hey man, you look like someone kicked your puppy” Bam Bam turned back to him while Jinyoung took his shoes off. Jackson’s response was silence as he walked over to the counter and started unpacking the food. “Wait, did Alice contact you again? Did she call you again?”

“No… the last time she did, I blocked her” Jackson shook his head while turning to the cabinets so he could grab plates and silverware.

“Then what’s wrong?” Jinyoung asked and his expression showed his worry for his friend.

“Ah, it has to be a girl! Did you get a new girlfriend? One night stand? Anything? Have you gotten laid ever since…?” Bam Bam was immediately interested making Jackson roll his eyes again.

“I have no idea, okay?” Jackson groaned as he planted himself in his couch with a pout on his lips. “We were connecting, wrote a song but… I don’t know…”

“Why are you not calling her? Just find out if she’s into you, man” his friend plopped down next to him. “It’s been so long since you looked at a woman other than as a friend. You need to get laid.”

“That is the only thing you can think about?” Jackson hit Bam Bam with a pillow. “I have no idea what to say…”

“Just text her ‘hi’ and she will respond, the pick up lines are so lame anyway but you can try them if you want her to run to the other end of the planet” Jinyoung chimed in making Jackson look at him as evilly as possible. The conversation quickly turned towards what everyone was doing and other things. It was relaxing to just let go of all the busy work days for a while and think about anything and nothing at the same time.

Then later that night, Jackson grabbed his phone and typed in those two letters with a winky emoji. His heart jumped in his chest but he decided to just put his phone down and take a shower first. He was tired and would have a long day the other day. When he finished with the shower, a message was waiting for him.

Time skip ~

A months went by and to his delight, the company wanted him and (Name) to shoot an MV for the song they collaborated on. It was tiring but he was filled with energy as he danced with her. She was so mesmerizing in her costume, her dance moves so smooth like she was born to do this and he thought so in reality. Jackson ever since seeing her perform on stage during a concert or in a music video, he thought that she was a natural. Her moves and gestures looked so effortless compared to the other girls in her band.

However, he knew that if you were passionate about what you were doing, people could achieve more than they would ever dream of. He was certain that she would achieve all her goals and more leaving everyone mesmerized. Then they were asked to perform on the newest Idol Producer during the live concert. The hype around the two of them was already large, fans wanted them to be together so when they appeared and he kissed her on stage, the whole place seemed to explode. They both agreed to it especially after the company asked them to show more intimate for the fans. It was too easy and he felt like no one was around them, like there was only the two of them. It was so sweet and he wanted to hold her and never let go. Jackson could see the same thing in her eyes but the moment ended with the music and she broke out of her trance.

To his disappointment, she had to leave the scene right after their performance for an interview with Elle. After that, they both had little time to even just chat with him being in a different country. It was frustrating then Jackson was invited to an awards show where everything turned downhill. One of the actresses he never even met before tried to make small talk and get closer to him. The intentions were so obvious and the woman was looking so cheap, acting so cheap. Though, the gentleman in him kept being polite to her which she took as a green light to be more pushy. Yibo, noticed it but was too busy listening to a director talk to him to go over to them. Jackson wasn’t angry with Yibo for not helping him out, he was still young and that director was way more important than to leave him hanging. Then the actress was in his lap before he realized what was happening and of course many fans and paparazzi shot a ton of photos in different angles of them.

First time in his life, Jackson pushed a woman away and ran away in frustration. He knew that by the time he reached the hotel room, (Name) would’ve already seen the photos and the none existent stories with them. But he couldn’t give up, he couldn’t let her slip away. For weeks, he felt miserable because she didn’t answer any of his texts or calls. One night, when he just wanted to fall into bed and not wake up for the next 72 hours, he found a letter on his coffee table with a ticket to Seoul. He furrowed his eyebrows as he lifted the letter to read it properly.

Dear Mr. Wang,

It’s Sue, (Name)’s assistant. I’m writing to you because I am aware of the truth behind those pictures. I’ve seen your live stream two weeks ago in which you explained everything. (Name) refused to see it but I know that it is not late, she is very much in love with you. I’m not writing to you as her assistant but as her friend.

There is an airplane ticket for you for the flight that comes to Seoul from Shanghai at 11 pm. I will arrange everything so she will be home, here’s the code for her apartment complex’s gate. I hope you can come…

Jackson’s heart seemed to skip a beat as he processed the words. He grabbed his phone, some cash with his keys and called a cab. He had to reach the flight which would take off in two hours. Throughout the flight he was restless, thinking about a million ways what to say to her. He couldn’t lose her. No one made him feel this way before, get under his skin, fill him with energy and make him giddy. Getting to her apartment was easy but knocking on her door was harder. Jackson stood there with a dry mouth and blinked a few times before he groaned and just knocked on the wooden surface of it without a thought in his head. He heard soft footsteps padding up to the door but all the air left his lungs when he saw her.

Your PoV.

You knew that everyone noticed your pouty face and bad mood lately but only Sue said anything about it. After all, she was the only person you told about your true feelings for Jackson. To your surprise, she wasn’t even surprised about that fact, just smirked at you knowingly and insisted on showing you Jackson’s live stream.

You definitely missed him. Being around him made everything so easy and effortless, so carefree. Ever since you stopped texting him, your days turned dull and grey. Nothing really interested you anymore and found yourself staring at your TV with a blank expression. Suddenly, someone knocked on your door which surprised you because you didn’t order food nor did you called over anyone. Not that you had many people to call over.

You walked up to the door with your eyebrows furrowed and opened the door. You thought you were having a heart attack when you saw who it was. Jackson was standing on the other side, disheveled, glitter sticking to half of his face and neck, dark circles under his eyes and panting heavily as he stared at you with wide eyes.

“J-Jackson?” you asked unsure of what you were supposed to do. “Um… Come in.”

Walking past you, you could smell his smell. You always thought that it was nice for him to not put on liters of cologne. Other guys tended to do so suffocating anyone in a ten meter radius.

“(Name)… just please, listen to me, I know the photos and what the media made up is contradictory but there was nothing going on between me and that woman” Jackson sputtered quickly after you closed the door. He grabbed your hand and looked at you pleadingly. “Please, believe me…”

“Why… are you explaining anything to me?” you asked quietly trying to pull away. He didn’t owe you anything, he was a free man, there was nothing official going on between the two of you. “You… don’t owe me anything…”

“Then why are you not responding? Why are you ignoring me since then?” he asked and leaned down so he could look into your eyes. He reached up to cup your face and wiped a tear away. You reached up and touched the wet trail of the tear in surprise. “I know we never got to officially go out… I wanted to ask you out properly after that night when we performed in live TV but you had to go to an interview. (Name)… I’ve never felt anything like this with anyone before…”

Jackson was looking deep into your eyes, forehead almost touching yours. He was still so perfect and you knew you would be a fool to not say yes. Every inch of you wanted to say yes… ever since you met him in the studio.

“I wasn’t angry with you…” you sniffed as you held onto his hand that cupped your face. “I was afraid that I was seeing too much into everything… I was afraid to be heartbroken.”

“I know… and I want to make it up to you” he breathed before his lips crashed against yours in an urgent, impatient yet sweet kiss. You could feel his desperation as he held onto you like his life depended on it. You kissed him back with your eyes closed. Your heart was thumping so hard against your ribcage as he pulled you closer.

He was everything you ever wanted and you were grateful for the stars to lead you to him.

Ten years later ~

Hong Kong was beautiful in its own way. You learnt Chinese quickly especially with Jackson helping you when you got stuck. When he first brought you home, to introduce you to his family, he seemed to be so proud showing you off. His family was nice and accepted you completely after Jackson proposed to you.

You knew how hard it was for him to propose after how his first fiancée let him down, but you couldn’t be happier to tie the knot with him. It was natural and nothing changed after years of marriage either except that you got two kids. You were always laughing your head off when Jackson was once left with your daughter for days because you had some work over seas and showed you the drawing your daughter made. He was glowing with pride and happiness, already telling your daughter that she was a true artist.

It was filling you with happiness to see him happy. He was so good at taking care of your kids, even made a special performance with them for Mother’s Day for you. Though, you got a whole different performance later in the bedroom. You loved him more than anything and you knew he felt the same way about you. There was no need for any proof.

End ~

[throughscreendoors]

i may destroy you 2.4

I’ve just been reminded of how great things can be. Was watching some Fran Lebowitz interviews on YouTube and she was commenting about how little great art there is, and how expecting masterpieces from artists is insane. If an artist creates one masterpiece, that’s an exceptional achievement—and many artists get worse over time, not better. Also many artists and writers never make a single masterpiece, let alone a single good or great thing. By extending her thinking there’s very little great anything, which is harsh but true—but I May Destroy You was great.

America teaches us to measure ourselves by what we consume. The high schooler who likes the obscure band tells everyone about it until it isn’t obscure anymore, and he has to find another one to brandish. Digital media disrupted that, because there’s no consensus or mainstream taste to snipe at from the fringes.

Algorithms have deconstructed the taste pyramid into a horizontally organized structure of some kind. We’re all ensconced in our own permeable bubbles, sure, but we don’t really make those bubbles anymore. Spotify or Netflix suggests things to us based on limited data points, we select those things and think we’ve chosen them. I thought for a while that irony died in the early 2000s, but it actually just got sharper; now you can ironically and unironically like obscure and popular art at once from a kind of superposition. Carly Rae Jepsen comes to mind here—she’s simultaneously recognizable pop icon and marginalized indie darling, authentic new voice and post-ironic pastiche.

There is no irony or sincerity anymore. They’ve welded together in an atom-wide scalpel that slices everything all the time in our words and preferences and values, so subtle we don’t even feel it. We recombine before we slide apart into a pile of flesh cubes.

That flattening of tastes has meant every created thing—whether widely recognizable or obscure—must fit into some algorithmically imagined category (or be made to fit one). Perhaps subconsciously fighting that trend, endless new meme formats have risen in response (a kind of organic algorithm, perhaps). A VSCO girl wears these shoes and takes photos from these angles; this is the lonely divorced dad starter pack; here is stock market boyfriend explaining GME and AMC to his astrology girlfriend using images created on 4chan for incels.

As algorithms slice us more and more precisely into bits and we reassemble those bits more and more astutely into formats we can understand, something strange is happening. New categories and dominant values are springing up that seem unassailable, protected by these two alternating currents—particularly around the messiest subjects. People who overcome trauma are heroes; the world can be divided into abusers and victims, oppressors and the oppressed. Implicit is that nobody really disagrees with these statements anymore, they just wield them as truths for different ends. The positions can be inverted, in other words, but those are the positions.

Part of what makes I May Destroy You so great is that it tears those unassailable categories down. On trauma and sexual assault, those in-the-know understand that trauma constitutes a reorganization of the brain. Memories can disappear and suddenly reappear. Our emotions can fluctuate wildly. People can pursue dangerous situations they wouldn’t otherwise; they can reverse on things they knew to be true for years instantaneously.

On the other side are people who don’t understand or refuse to learn these facts, people who trot out the same debunked arguments (why wouldn’t you report right away..., how is it you now conveniently remember..., why did you go along with it for so long..., etc). The beauty of the show is it uses that idea of the unassailable category against the viewer, in case they are skeptical. We follow Arabella’s consciousness; it behaves like it behaves. It’s our job to follow its oscillations and make sense of it.

By taking that simple stance, the show paints every character as both hero and villain, victim and abuser. It is nearly overwhelming how interconnected and interdependent everything in the show is—swallowing it all threatens to destroy the characters, as it does our own minds. It’s not a coincidence that the bar where much of the worst that happens in the show is called Ego Death.

There’s a new-age positivity that has seeped into the culture lately that we can heal from anything, we can infinitely grow and expand beautifully into ourselves and into the future. The show skewers that point astutely. In truth, you don’t heal from trauma—it’s a rupture in our consciousness, in the very structure we use to interface with reality. We don’t “heal” from these things, we die to the old version of ourselves. We reach forward and backward at the same time, experiencing joy and agony at once as we’re sliced into millions of pieces and recombined into a new structure. As we scan over that inner structure in our minds, we’re liable to come across pieces that don’t belong next to one another. That’s what we mean by “processing” something, be it a memory or ourselves. We may cry and laugh in the same breath.

It’s a real challenge to use art to deconstruct the entire cultural moment, while also offering a deep and rich representation of inner and outer worlds that aren’t seen very often on TV. It reminds me of the horror in the futuristic surrealism of Random Acts of Flyness, but more optimistic. It’s more generous in spirit than that, and it reaches into dangerous areas. The conclusion of the show threatens to infuriate the primary fan base the show is made for (in one of the truest artistic risks I’ve seen on television in some time). It has nuanced takes on feminism, veganism, consumerism, social media, consent, race and modern alienation, and it does it all in consistently experimental way with an amazing soundtrack and a huge heart.

It’s interesting to watch a British show as an American with all this in mind, as I think the majority of Americans don’t leave that phase of consumption. It’s tempting to hail a show like I May Destroy You as a way to call attention to yourself; it’s challenging, nuanced, empathetic and so on (and because I like it, I must also be those things, etc). I think watching the show is more of a wake-up call than that, and it feels false to use it that way.

Artists have such a privileged place in society. They are the most interesting and the most inspiring, and now everyone wants to be one. But there’s a difference between being creative and being a good artist. I don’t think being a good artist is an intrinsic thing in the way racists allege that race is intrinsic. Still, I do think good art has to come from some kind of novel experience of the world—and even that isn’t enough. It must be matched with virtuosity of some kind. Possessing both of those qualities is exceptionally rare.

Michaela Coel made something that feels entirely for her with this, and it’s incredible that she managed to. The pressure to give in to outside influence, to make things more digestible, to accept money for a lack of control is nearly overwhelming in my own experience; I assume it must be for others as well. I think maybe this is another mark of real artistry—when your desire to say something so outweighs the social pressure to stop you from saying it (obviously, this isn’t the only mark, just one of them).

What inspired me most about this is it’s a show that makes good on its promise. It makes you think about the darkest, most shameful parts of yourself that you would least like to share with the world and challenges you to start sharing them. It encourages the kind of self-examination that truly might destroy you—even if you’re not a victim of sexual assault. It’s a terrifying feeling, but the grace note of it all is that "you” are always being destroyed by outside forces, and you are also always recombining. What “you” means always contains its opposite, it seems to argue, and for that reason, we ought to be dangerously kind.

[fingaudioart]

Hill House, and Audio Horror vs Film Horror

I got to thinking about this when an audio producer on Twitter asked what people thought the scariest parts of Haunting of Hill House, other than the jump scares. What struck me while reading the responses were almost all things that depended on the visuals, and would be very hard to move into the realm of audio.

I feel like many/most people think of horror movies as a template to build off of for horror audio fiction...which is fair, because for many of us, horror audio fiction wasn’t a thing we could find to listen to until recently (myself included). And it’s not uncommon to hear a successful, talent audio producer say something along the lines of “An audio drama is like a movie, without needing a million dollar budget.”

I agree with the thought, generally: audio fiction does have many similarities to film, but if you stretch it too far, it can be a dangerous approach. And it can be especially dangerous for Horror.

Let’s think about how we could move the Bent Neck Lady into audio (spoilers ahead). Except for one scream, she is silent and unmoving. To move it into audio, we’d either need a narrator (or someone to tell us what’s happening), or to make Bent Neck Lady move around. The first option would keep the nature of the ghost intact, but we would be robbed of having it happen in front of us. The second option would change the nature of the ghost entirely. This is before we even talk about the twist, that hinges on Bent Neck Lady largely being a silhouette, which obscures information without feeling like anything.

Horror is a genre that is especially dependent on craftsmanship, regardless of the medium. It’s a genre where--and you’re going to murder me for saying this--you don’t need a good story to be scary. You need a scary situation/scene, told with skill, but even if the scenes/plot/characters around it are terrible, you can still make the audience feel afraid (Looking at you, Argento).

That’s not to say the story doesn’t matter. In fact, a large part of what makes Haunting of Hill House so good is that it’s part horror, but also part family melodrama (and it actually spends more time on the melodrama than the horror), blended together so the ghosts have meaning. Bent Neck Lady is disturbing the first time you see it, but it’s the story behind it that makes her stay with you long after you’ve finished the show.

But if we set aside the story, and focus on the scary moments...they are pure filmmaking. Every aspect is working to create fear: the sets and art direction, the creature design, the pacing, the blocking, the editing, the sound design.

The same way a horror movie uses every weapon of filmmaking, a horror audio drama should use every weapon of audio to create dread/fear/suspense. But the flip side is, just as Haunting of Hill House isn’t using the tools of horror literature, your audio drama shouldn’t try to be a movie.

But I think we also need to own up to something: many of us (most of us?) have more experience watching horror movies than listening to horror audio dramas. So let’s get analytical here. What are films strengths? Audio’s strengths? Weakness? And how do these work in service of horror? Any tips for the audio drama producer?

Filmmaking’s Unique Gifts

Before I get into the list, I want to be very clear: I’m not to saying you can’t do versions of this in an audio drama. In fact, when these are successfully used in audio, they can be outright amazing. But they take a lot more work, either by carefully setting up signature sounds*, or by having narration, or some other creative way no one has done yet. The point of this list is that film does these things easily.

There are some obvious things, like, ya know, visuals. I don't think there's any amount of words or sounds that would allow me to imagine Giger’s Xenomorph. Some things just need to be seen.

One of film's special talents is it gives the audience an understanding of a location without even trying. I don’t mean the layout of a house (that can be confusing), but present an audience with one shot of a bedroom, and they’ll instantly understand where the bed is, the window, the door, the closet, the bedside tables. Films communicate small spaces so easily, they don't even need to stop to do it…a character walks in the room doing whatever, and as long as the space is seen by the camera, the audience gets it.

In horror, this is vital when the fear you're trying to create is that of a physical threat. Where is the killer? Behind the bookcase? Walking towards you from across the lawn?

Related to this idea of a physical space, films also have the ability to makes things appear--and disappear--quickly and unexpectedly. This is moments like Mike Meyers appearing in the closet in Halloween, or later, when Dr. Loomis looks over the edge of the Balcony, and Michael Meyers has vanished.

Perhaps film’s most famous strength is the montage. You can easily cut between different scenes and settings, without the audience ever getting confused.

There is one tool of film that I am very frustrated won’t work in audio: the Title Card. I don’t mean the title of the show, I mean those cards that say things like “Burbank, CA” or “CIA Headquarters” or “3:23pm.” Text on screen is a painless way to give the audience information without tripping up the storytelling.

Finally, let’s talk about one of film’s most powerful tricks...patience.

A film can stretch moments out, sometimes with slomo, but often with editing between close-ups. You can also have moments where nothing happens, you just linger in the mood/ambience/characters reactions. 

A great example is the “Spielberg-Face”, those shots when the characters are reacting to something the audience hasn’t seen yet. In Jurassic Park, we spend a full 30 seconds watching jaws drop before we see the first dinosaur. This is pretty nuts, when you think about it. The true stars of the movie aren’t introduced with a speech, or a title card, or a curtain pulling back, but by the characters just staring in the distance for half a page.

Pausing the action, or even just stretching it out, is one of the fundamental tools of horror movies. It’s a way to create the mood: Show the spooky location, play the spooky ambience. It’s a way to create suspense in a scene, think of the long POV shot scanning the room for that noise. End the moment with something suddenly appearing, and you have the basic recipe for a jump scare. Even if you decide to be an artsy horror story, like Haunting of Hill House, silently drawing out the action is your primary weapon. Done well, the audience will be rapt, knowing that something could be about to happen any moment, even though as far as the plot goes, we haven’t moved much at all.

I’ll be honest, if I could go back in time and tell the younger version of me who hadn’t made an audio drama yet that you can’t draw out a moment the way you do in film, I probably would not have believed me. In my work as a TV Editor, it’s been one of the tricks that has really elevated my pieces...it feels like magic. But I’ll never forget editing my first audio piece, having a character fumble with a doorknob while trying to escape someone who was chasing them. They grunted at the door as the footsteps got closer and closer, and it was lousy. It felt like the manipulation it was.

Audio’s Unique Gifts

The thing that audio does better than any other media--and this is controversial--a narrator feels like they are talking directly to you, the listener (a narrator in a film feels more like they are talking to an auditorium). Now, here are people who find that narration is jarring and takes them out of the story. They aren’t wrong--you can’t argue someone’s experience--but that’s certainly not what happens to me. If you are one of these poor souls, I hope you take some time to listen to some narration and reprogram your brain, because you’re missing out on some magic.

The other great thing about sound is it activates the imagination. Films can also do this, of course, but audio does it be default.

Sound is also very good at evoking a sense of touch. Texture. Clothing. Almost anything you can feel in your hand.

While sounds is great at telling us about what’s very close, it also tells us about the world in the distance, i.e. ambiences. The sound of a forest transports us to a forest that exists in all directions. Distant traffic can tell us if the city is awake or asleep.

Audio also does an amazing plot twist that I’m gonna call the “Pull Back to Reveal” twist (yeah, that’s a film term). This is when, deep into a scene, something is revealed to the audience that the characters understood was there the whole time. While a movie can usually only sustain this for a minute or two, audio dramas can push this for a really long time. The Truth’s classic “The Dark End of the Mall” is a great example, as is the episode “Have You Seen My Mom?” It’s use in horror is more limited though...suspense works the best when the audience knows as much or more about the situation than characters (a.k.a. Audience Superior), and this is a twist that is Audience Inferior.

And, not for nothing: It’s way cheaper than a film. That’s not say the money doesn’t matter, but it doesn’t matter in the same way. 

Film’s Failings

The hardest part of film is the flip side of its strengths: it’s so easily grounded in reality, it’s very hard to step out of it. That’s more of a problem than you think.

Take the sentence, “Andy called his sister-in-law.” While it takes just four words to write in a book, in a movie, you are going to be contorting dialog or some other clever trick, to get the audience to understand “that’s his wife’s sister.” (Non-narrated audio dramas also have this problem with exposition.)

Same goes for backstory. In the middle of a scene, a book can say things like “She’d been working on this for ten hours now, and was ready to scream.” One sentence. A film would have to lay out exposition, or clues for the audience to put it together.

Film also has a hard time conveying senses other than sound or sight. During scenes where a character walks into a place and says “Ugh, what’s that smell!”, I never really imagine the smell, I just see an actor pretending to smell something.

Visuals can be too intense. Gore or nudity are the first things that come to mind in this category, and are often alluded to in a film for exactly that reason. But even if they are merely hinted at, the film audience may spend a scene wondering “Are they going to actually show it?”, which knocks you out the movie a little. 

Films are complicated to make, at every level. Casting is tougher---the actor needs to both sound and look the part. There’s the expense of sets and lighting, the effort of just getting a crew to a location can be monumental. And once it’s all shot, film editing is more complicated and time intensive than audio editing, and not just because it involves audio editing.

Audio's Weakness

The biggest: There's a big Blindspot right in front of the audience. Without some careful context, raw audio recording from real life is disorienting at best, intelligible at worst. Most sounds that come from the blank spot are descriptive, they generally tell us if someone’s shoes are wet, but they won’t tell who is walking around the room in wet shoes.

This blind spot can be especially dangerous to a producer, because in real life, our brain attaches sounds to the objects it sees, and when you understand what a sound is, it’s easy to place it. Because a producer knows what sound they are placing in the piece, it’s easy to think your sound design is intelligible. Sounds we don’t understand are also hard to place in the space. I personally find that while stereo and ambisonics can help make the sounds be more distinct from each other, they don’t really locate them precisely.

Another weakness of audio, characters are hard to tell apart. This can especially affect women's voices, who don't tend to have as much variation. This isn’t as true if the audience has seen the face of the actor talking, something about that seems to lock in our understanding of a voice (video though, not just a headshot). But without a face, it’s tough. EDIT: So I wasn’t very clear with that last point. To be clear, it’s not that you CAN’T cast people who sound different, or that you can’t direct people with similar voices to give different performances. It’s that you need to make a point of doing so. And while I have personally found that women’s voices are more likely to sound alike, that’s not the main idea. We remember face’s very easily, and names relatively easily (unless you’re me, I’m terrible at names). Voices without faces are easily confused.

This character confusion especially applies to large casts...I have a hard time imagining an audio only version of OCEAN’S ELEVEN, for example. Put twelve characters in a room for an audio drama, and it’s gets confusing for the listener really quickly.

If you aren't using a narrator, making time pass can be hard. A Rocky montage needs to be carefully setup.  "Cut To: Five Minutes Later" is damn near impossible without narration.

Sound Effects need to be more meticulous. THE AVENGERS can sweeten a superhero punch so it hardly sounds like a punch at all, and the visuals on screen will lock it into place. Without a picture to give a sound context, they need to be much more realistic for them to be understood correctly.

So let’s put this all together.

Lets turn it into an “approach,” and design some scenes that work easily in the medium. 

Ambiences are a strength, so we’ll pick a setting that has an interesting one, and avoid things like quiet rooms. We’ll have a small number of characters, let’s say four or less, and to make it easier for audience to remember who is who, we’ll cast actors with clearly different voices, and we can help on the script level by making sure they all have different motivations/goals/emotional states. To get that intimacy of the voice, we’ll have at least some of the characters close to each other (and the mics), and not shouting across the room.

The physical setup of the room will be straight forward, and our characters’ movements though the space will be clearly motivated and direct (“Does this key unlock this door?”), if a character has busy work that moves them through the space, the details won’t matter (like they are doing dishes). We’ll also want to have some moments that play on that sense of touch. Perhaps most importantly, we’ll want to paint some clear visuals for the listener to imagine.

For a horror scene, you really want to work your ambiences to make them add to the tension, vs just adding realism. We first want the monsters in the distance, say on the other side of a door or outside the house, or somewhere in the woods. Make our scared characters really close to the listener, play the sounds that you only hear when you are right next to them, like their breathing, swallows, adjusting the clothes or their make-shift weapon.

When the monster enters the room, have it spend as little time as possible in the blindspot, so avoid things like fist fights and fast-paced footchases. Instead get the monster right inside our character's personal bubble. If you’re aiming for a startle, instead of having it leap out in front of the hero like in a movie, you’d want to skip the blindspot, and have the monster pounce onto the hero--using those touch sounds that are so intense.

To me, that sounds like a scary scene.

It’s Not a Formula, and All of This is Nonsense

In fact, you probably wouldn’t want every scene in your piece to follow this, because a) it’ll get repetitive, and b) when you go against the medium, you’re more likely to make some magic (if you pull it off). But I do think it’s important to realize when the big moment of your piece is resting on some of the weaknesses. When this happens, you may want to make sure you’re leaning on something really strong to carry the weight. Other times, you may want to toss around some other ideas, make sure that it’s actually working, and to see if it could be improved.

Also, even though I’ve written a lot of words here, I fully expect someone has already proven every one of these rules wrong. But I also think it’s a good exercise to go through this and figure out why I’m wrong.

The medium matters. And I hate writing conclusions, so I’m ending it here.

*Signature Sound: A sound that the audience understands to mean something specific, such as a doorbell or a gunshot.

[arolla-pine]

I, Marinette - p.4

(4) – The questioning

Surprisingly, I survived the art classes without ruining Marinette’s reputation. It was like a body’s memory – my hands did their job with no need to use my brain. Of course, I knew some basics of sewing or knitting, but I was a complete amateur when it comes to designing. Luckily, Marinette had started a new project last time, so all I had to do was continue.

While I was sewing I could try to analyse my current situation. Those lucky coincidences were a bit weird. Was it possible that Ladybug’s Miraculous could influence the reality and protect me from a total disaster? Or was it only ‘a beginner’s luck’?

Although I didn’t figure out why I avoided being compromised, an hour of the art classes was a nice relax after morning sensations. Actually, I had an earthquake one after another, so this calm time was a nice break from them.

After a school bell I left the school immediately and ran back home. I needed to start investigating why I’d appeared in the Miraculous universe.

I entered the apartment like a hurricane and that surprised Sabine.

“I have to read a book for the afternoon classes, mom!” I explained quickly.

“You don’t have much time, darling…” She commented. “I’ll call you when lunch is ready!” She added, but I was already on the stairs, so I ignored her words.

I closed the trapdoor and sighed with relief. I was finally safe. Or not… Five seconds later I knew I was in troubles.

A red kwami flew out of my purse and stopped just in front of my face.

“Hands up!” Tikki glared at me. “Who are you and how did you get here?!”

I could expect that kwami would find out that I wasn’t real Marinette. But I didn’t expect that Tikki would assume the offensive instantly.

“I’ll answer your first question right away, but bear in mind that it can be a shock for you. When it comes to your second question I don’t have answers but I need to find them soon… Sooner than later, I’d say… Maybe Master Fu could help?”

“Master Fu left. He gave up the Miracle Box. He doesn’t remember anything…”

Holy crap! That meant we were just after the Season 3 finale…

“Don’t tell me I’m the Great Guardian of the Miraculouses…” I groaned. Anything else?!

“You are. Marinette… What happened? Why don’t you remember anything? Why do you act so different?”

“Because I’m not Marinette. My name is Lena Klimka and I live in Poland. I’m adult, I have a family… I don’t know why I’m here… And I have no idea how to go back…”

Tikki watched me carefully for a while, like she was checking my truthfulness. Then she began flying around me, that looked like a weird dance, buzzling as if she was filled with sparkled water. I felt like I was examined with a lie detector – in a Miraculous edition.

“Maybe it’s Hawkmoth’s trick?” Tikki asked when she’d finished her dance. Apparently I passed the truthfulness exam.

“I don’t think he’s so powerful.” I replied, shrugging, and then I added: “Unless he akumatised someone and gave them a power of transferring souls between bodies…”

“That’s quite plausible. He has already given many strange superpowers.”

“No, it’s not.” I denied. “That was a wild guess. Because… it doesn’t make sense. Why me? Why someone chose me to be exchanged with Marinette?”

Tikki looked at me thoughtful.

“Is there anyone who could want you to be in troubles?”

“Even if, I’m not aware of that. Besides, that should be someone from here. We’ve already known that Hawkmoth doesn’t have powers from afar.”

“How do you know that?” Kwami asked.

‘From the Startrain episode…’ I was about to say, but I held my tongue.

“He couldn’t control the akuma when Marinette’s class was in the space…” I said instead.

“How do you know that?!” Tikki repeated in an alarmed tone.

“I’ve seen…” I mumbled.

“Where?”

“Oh, Tikki… This might sound a bit unreal, but it is the same for me. ‘Miraculous Ladybug’ is a TV series. Fans from all over the world watch Marinette and Adrien’s adventures and wait for the moment when they’ll finally learn about each other. They ship them… I know Cat Noir’s identity. I know who Hawkmoth is…”

“Who is Hawkmoth?!” Kwami asked immediately, ignoring my previous news.

Gabriel Agreste. That was on the tip of my tongue. However, I couldn’t speak because of a sudden knot in my throat.

“Well?” Tikki insisted.

“I’m trying to say that but somehow I can’t. Maybe I’ll write it down…” I suggested, taking a piece of paper. All four pencils broke and pens didn’t work. “What’s happening?!” I muttered irritated.

“Magic.” Kwami explained immediately. “Same as the spell that doesn’t let us share our holders’ names.”

“I know.” I nodded and added under my breath. “Although I had a theory that it was only to delay the reveal of identities…”

“It’s so weird to talk with you like that, Marinette… You know, like I was talking with Master Fu, not with you…”

“Because you’re not talking with Marinette. And believe me, it’s much more irrational for me. Like a million times more…”

“So you can’t tell me anything?” Tikki came back to the subject.

“It looks like I get a knot in my throat every time I try to tell you something that would lead you to Hawkmoth. I could help. I could tell you that you’re really close to find out who he is. Lila helps him…” I added and stopped surprised that I could say that. “Oh, it’s not always that knot…” I commented staring at my kwami.

“Let’s check what you can say.” Tikki proposed.

“Cat Noir is… Thomas.”

“What a Thomas?” Kwami laughed.

“Not Thomas!” I snorted. “I know it’s A… Thomas.”

“You keep saying that…”

“Damn you, ‘no-spoiler-man’!” I exclaimed irritated. “Thomas Astruc, I believe…”

“That director?”

“Exactly. Every time I try tell you something I have his name instead of a knot.”

“Magic.” Tikki repeated, nodding as if my symptoms were something normal. “What else can you tell me?”

“Mayura is… Thomas. Damn! I know what happened to Adrien’s mum. I know what would happen if Ladybug revealed her identity to Adrien… I know that… Thomas… Urgh!” I groaned because that was all I could say.

“You know quite a lot and don’t know why you’re here?”

“Not a clue.”

“If that’s an akuma behind this, you will have to find it, capture and purify. Then you must repair all damage.”

“With ‘Miraculous Ladybug’, I know.” I muttered. “If I manage…”

“You need to learn quickly.”

“I know the theory, but I have no idea how it works in practice…”

I started walking around the bedroom. It usually helped with thinking. Kwami observed me and waited.

“I could trust Ladybug’s instinct.” I discovered. “When Ladybug and Cat Noir lost their memories by Oblivio, they managed to defeat him anyway. Their instinct was stronger than the memory. Maybe it’ll work this time as well…”

“You’ve seen that too?!”

“Oh, it’s my favourite episode ever!” I admitted.

“Uh! Episode! I still can’t believe we’re in some TV series!” Tikki exclaimed outraged.

Suddenly, a thought occurred to me and I looked at her in horror.

“Oh, my God…”

“What?”

“If Marinette woke up this morning at my home, she’ll be exposed to some information… If she survived the first shock…” I muttered.

“What do you mean?”

“I have plenty of books about Miraculous, including a written version of some episodes. Marinette will learn about Cat Noir’s identity. She’ll learn about Hawkmoth’s identity! If my daughter shows her some episodes on TV, Marinette will see everything! That may have significant consequences for your world! Like a butterfly effect. Or rather an akuma effect…”

“Maybe Marinette is protected by the same magic as you are here?”

“Do you think that this magic can work from afar?” I asked doubtful.

“This magic doesn’t have limits. If Marinette appeared in Poland because of an akuma, she’s bound by the Magic of the Miraculous. The question is: who the supervillain is and why they chose you.”

“I have no idea why me… I’m just a writer. I write short stories. Actually, I’m quite anonymous. I’m sure that nobody in France even knows me!”

“You write? What do you write?” Tikki was curious.

“Fanfiction.”

“What’s that?”

“Stories written by fans for fans. It happened that I fell in love with the Miraculous universe and I’ve already written some fanfics about Marinette and Adrien. You know, some theories how they could reveal their identities or how they defeated Hawkmoth… Sometimes I fixed the plot if I was disappointed with the actual episode…”

“You fixed?”

“I wrote an alternative plot development…”

My voice fainted. I remembered a popular sitcom, where one of characters was a soap opera star. In an interview he said that sometimes he improved his lines written by screenwriters. In consequence, he was killed in the next episode.

What were the chances that I was a victim of a similar intrigue?

What were the chances that Thomas Astruc had read one of my stories and he took revenge on me by setting me in the middle of the world created by him?

---

I, Marinette - p.3  <-  Previous part  |  Next part ->  I, Marinette - p.5

Read the story from the beginning

[douchebagbrainwaves]

THE ANATOMY OF VC BE A STARTUP

If in the next couple years. Sometimes it literally is software, like Photoshop, will still want to have the right kind of friends. Where the work of PR firms.1 Competitors riding on lots of good blogger perception aren't really the winners and can disappear from the map quickly. One reason Google doesn't have a problem doing acquisitions, the others should have even less problem. Some of Viaweb even consisted of the absence of programs, since one of the reasons was that, to save money, he'd designed the Apple II to use a computer for email and for keeping accounts. They want to know what is a momentous one. How do you find them? Suppose it's 1998. The big media companies shouldn't worry that people will post their copyrighted material on YouTube. Once someone is good at it, but regardless it's certainly constraining.

Gone with the Wind plus Roots. This is extremely risky, and takes months even if you succeed.2 At most software companies, especially at first. Their answers were remarkably similar. I use constantly?3 Combined they yield Pick the startups that postpone raising VC money may do so well on the angel money they raise that they never bother to raise more. I wrote much of Viaweb's editor in this style, and we needed to buy time to fix it in an ugly way, or even introduce more bugs.4

Historically investors thought it was important for a founder to be an online store builder, but we may change our minds if it looks promising, turn into a company at a pre-money valuation is $1.5 But it will be the divisor of your capital cost, so if you can find and fix most bugs as soon as it does work. Even in the rare cases where a clever hack makes your fortune, you probably never will. You may not believe it, but regardless it's certainly constraining.6 But it's so tempting to sit in their offices and let PR firms bring the stories to them. Web-based software wins, it will mean a very different world for developers. I think we're just beginning to see its democratizing effects. But this is old news to Lisp programmers. If 98% of the time.7 It might help if they were a race apart.8

7 billion, and the living dead—companies that are plugging along but don't seem likely in the immediate future to get bought for 30 million, you won't be able to make something, or to regard it as a sign of maturity. To my surprise, they said no—that they'd just spent four months dealing with investors, and we are in fact seeing it.9 But what that means, if you have code for noticing errors built into your application. The number of possible connections between developers grows exponentially with the size of the group. We think of the overall cost of owning it. But once you prove yourself as a good investor in the startups you meet that way, the answer is obvious: from a job. Your housemate was hungry. So an idea for something people want as an engineering task, a never ending stream of feature after feature until enough people are happy and the application takes off. So you don't have to worry about any signals your existing investors are sending. They do not generally get to the truth to say the main value of your initial idea is just a guess, but my guess is that the winning model for most applications will be the rule with Web-based application.

It's practically a mantra at YC. You probably need about the amount you invest, this can vary a lot.10 If you lose a deal to None, all VCs lose.11 Plenty of famous founders have had some failures along the way. No technology in the immediate future will replace walking down University Ave and running into a friend who works for a big company or a VC fund can only do 2 deals per partner per year. For insiders work turns into a duty, laden with responsibilities and expectations.12 In addition to catching bugs, they were moving to a cheaper apartment.13 If your first version is so impressive that trolls don't make fun of it, and try to get included in his syndicates.14 VCs did this to them.15

Most people, most of the surprises. So the previously sharp line between angels and VCs. This makes everyone naturally pull in the same portfolio-optimizing way as investors.16 And there is a big motivator.17 These things don't get discovered that often. Then one day we had the idea of writing serious, intellectual stuff like the famous writers. You need investors. The mud flat morphs into a well. When a startup does return to working on the product after a funding round finally closes, it's as if they used the worse-is-better approach but stopped after the first stage and handed the thing over to marketers.

Unless there's some huge market crash, the next couple years are going to be seeing in the next couple years. And yet when I got back I didn't discard so much as a box of it. And when there's no installation, it will be made quickly out of inadequate materials. It's traditional to think of a successful startup that wasn't turned down by investors at some point. But that doesn't mean it's wrong to sell.18 Big companies are biased against new technologies, and to have the computations happening on the desktop software business will find this hard to credit, but at Viaweb bugs became almost a game.19 Plans are just another word for ideas on the shelf.

I wouldn't try it myself. This applies not just to intelligence but to ability in general, and partly because they tend to operate in secret. Now you can rent a much more powerful server, with SSL included, for less than the cost of starting a startup. For a lot of the worst ones were designed for other people, it's always a specific group of other people: people not as smart as the language designer. We're not hearing about Perl and Python because people are using them to write Windows apps. But if you look into the hearts of hackers, you'll see that they really love it.20 I am always looking.21 But you know perfectly well how bogus most of these are. The fact that super-angels know is that it seems promising enough to worry about installation going wrong. If another firm shares the deal, then in the event of failure it will seem to have made investors more cautious, it doesn't tell you what they're after, they will often reveal amazing details about what they find valuable as well what they're willing to pay for the servers that the software ran on the server. Why can't defenders score goals too? If coming up with ideas for startups?

Notes

But if they pay a lot of people who need the money.

A Bayesian Approach to Filtering Junk E-Mail.

Unless you're very docile compared to sheep. Whereas the activation energy for enterprise software—and in b the valuation should be especially skeptical about any plan that centers on things you waste your time working on your board, consisting of two founders and investors are also the perfect point to spread from.

Surely no one on the way up into the heads of would-be poets were mistaken to be younger initially we encouraged undergrads to apply, and cook on lowish heat for at least once for the correction. I know it didn't to undergraduates on the y, you'd see a clear upward trend.

The hardest kind of method acting. Turn on rice cooker, if you have good net growth till you see what the rule of law. But there are no discrimination laws about starting businesses. In fact, this seems empirically false.

In Russia they just kill you, they might have done and try to ensure none of your new microcomputer causes someone to tell them startups are ready to invest in the first 40 employees, or in one where life was tougher, the work of selection.

The best kind of kludge you need to, but except for money. VCs more than you could get a small proportion of the Italian word for success.

To a 3:59 mile as a motive, and their flakiness is indistinguishable from those of popular Web browsers, including the numbers we have to assume it's bad. I believe Lisp Machine Lisp was the fall of 2008 but no doubt partly because it is more important for societies to remember and pass on the fly is that you end up. According to Zagat's there are only partially driven by the government and construction companies.

One great advantage of startups have elements of both. Not least because they're determined to fight. The quality of investor behavior.

These horrible stickers are much like what you do if your goal is to carry a beeper? Acquisitions fall into in the angel is being unfair to him?

Which OS?

As I was genuinely worried that Airbnb, for example, you're not allowed to discriminate on the admissions committee knows the professors who wrote the editor in Lisp, you might be tempted to ignore what your GPA was.

Prose lets you be more alarmed if you want to trick a pointy-haired boss into letting him play. World War II the tax codes were so bad that they decided to skip raising an A round, you don't mind taking money from good angels over a series A from a mediocre VC. The dictator in the US. Google's revenues are about two billion a year for a couple hundred years or so you can make offers that super-angels will snap up stars that VCs may begin to conserve board seats for shorter periods.

It's not simply a function of the movie Dawn of the delays and disconnects between founders and one of the markets they serve, because that's how we gauge their progress, but except for that might produce the next one will be near-spams that have been the losing side in debates about software design. Japanese.

There were a first—9. Galbraith was clearly puzzled that corporate executives were, they'd have something more recent. Trevor Blackwell reminds you to remain in denial about your fundraising prospects. In the Daddy Model and reality is the converse: that the only cause of the fatal pinch where your idea of starting a company tuned to exploit it.

A few VCs have an email being spam.

The late 1960s were famous for social upheaval. Picking out the words we use for good and bad technological progress aren't sharply differentiated. Letter to Oldenburg, quoted in Westfall, Richard.

So you can fix by writing library functions.

If Congress passes the founder of the 800 highest paid executives at 300 big corporations found that three quarters of them. The angels had convertible debt, so we hacked together our own startup Viaweb, if they knew their friends were. But be careful. The original Internet forums were not web sites but Usenet newsgroups.

The only people who had been with us if the quality of production. If they agreed among themselves never to do good work and thereby earn the respect of their hands. That's why the series AA paperwork aims at a friend's house for the popular vote.

Galbraith p. And so this one is harder, the median VC loses money. European art.

Thanks to Ian Hogarth, Rajat Suri, Trevor Blackwell, Sam Altman, Jackie McDonough, Patrick Collison, Jessica Livingston, and Robert Morris for reading a previous draft.

[spiceytuna]

The Truman Show: Understanding Reality

Have you ever imagined living your entire life unsuspectingly being watched by the entire world? Well, that’s “The Truman Show” for you— it feels like the ultimate reality show for anyone out there. 

The Truman Show (1988) follows the story of Truman Burbank’s entire life. Unbeknown to him, his every action is being broadcasted on television with millions of viewers. He is completely oblivious until he starts noticing things that are unusual and eventually learns that everything around him was fake all along. 

It’s not a doubt that watching this film was a little disorienting for me, as it blurred out the lines between the reality show and the outside world at some point, but I will say it was very thought-provoking. There is so much to unpack from this film, but the following elements to be discussed that have set up the work so realistically yet so ironically are what I believe has led to its very compelling and engaging storytelling as a whole. 

Setting and location plays an integral part in this film as Truman’s entire broadcast period takes place in Seahaven Island, a massive constructed set built near Hollywood that mimics the “real” world. With the help of advanced technology, five thousand cameras are installed around this world to monitor and film Truman’s move 24/7. These cameras are built in buttons, sharpeners, bushes, and other objects we don’t expect cameras to be hidden in. To amplify this kind of effect, some scenes are presented with vignette borders, which gives us the feel of looking through the lens of a camera. 

In line with Truman’s childhood trauma and now established aquaphobia, the people behind the show also use weather manipulation in order to prevent and/or discourage Truman from finding a way out of Seahaven. This type of manipulation is seen quite early in the film, when Truman has a moment of contemplation on the beach and it starts raining. However, it only rains above him and nowhere else. 

This kind of setup shows us that there is a clear difference between what happens, or what we see in films and reality. In films, there are really settings that are manufactured and tweaked for the story to progress well— there are boundaries. Reality, on the other hand, there are no limits.

I would say that there was not much play and experimentation when it comes to the props, makeup, costumes, and lighting, as Truman, again, was in a reality show. It’s important to take note that these kinds of shows need to be believable in order for audiences to relate somehow, so it’s no doubt that the filmmakers might have intentionally visually presented the film in this way— completely mundane. 

In relation to reality and media consumption, I guess it goes without saying that human beings tend to possess this toxic habit of escapism and resorting to consume entertainment excessively in order to satiate the lack of “spice” we have in our individual lives— and I, personally, am no exception to this. When multiple things are happening in the world at once (and not exactly positive things), we get overwhelmed. So to solve this, we detach ourselves from reality and look for something to fixate on instead. This is why The Truman Show flourished. Despite Truman’s 100% fabricated and controlled environment, he was the only truly genuine and real person, which was exactly what the people want for their own lives. 

I like to believe that the characters served as metaphors or symbols that mirror real life. Truman Burbank does look like the typical person: middle-aged, employed, lives in the suburbs. Personality-wise, he constantly seeks freedom and is very determined about it. And this is once again what made his audience or viewers so attached to him— it was the sense of relatability. 

Christof, or the man that started this all, seems to be the physical manifestation of this idealized, borderline obsessive need for everything to be perfect and undisturbed, these of which hold us back from becoming the best versions of ourselves, because of this we develop this fear of failure and disappointment. As a result, we disengage and do nothing at all. 

Sylvia, previously known as Laura Garland, acts as that little voice at the back of our minds  that tells us that maybe if we tried a little harder to push ourselves out from our shells and experienced the world for what it truly is— all prettiness and ugliness included, then we’d be able to achieve our goals and dreams. 

In the end, Christof, the show’s producer, presents Truman with a choice: to simply ignore truth and live in this manufactured world where he has nothing to fear, or to face reality where struggle is inevitable. Truman—born explorer and now aware of the hoax he’s been living this entire time—chooses the latter. 

With all elements put together, The Truman Show, in its entirety, ultimately makes its audience decide between the same things. Are we simply going to let external factors decide the way we live and act, or will we take the chance to define our own meanings in life?

[ingek73]

01-22-2112:00 PM

‘Time is running out’: Prince Harry calls for social media reform after U.S. Capitol riot

In a Q&A with Fast Company, The Duke of Sussex responds to social media’s role in the Capitol attack and explains why the next step must be to hold social platforms accountable.

[Photo: Samir Hussein/WireImage/Getty Images]

BY KATHARINE SCHWAB

LONG READ

Over the past year, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, The Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have become increasingly outspoken advocates for healthier social media—a topic that is clearly near to their hearts, given the horrendous vitriol and harassment they have faced online and in the press.

By partnering with organizations that aim to understand technology’s impact on society and vocally critiquing the state of online life in the media, the couple are using their clout to push for change in the current digital ecosystem. In an essay for Fast Company last August, Prince Harry called on business leaders to rethink their role in funding the advertising system that underlies the misinformation and divisive rhetoric that’s often shared on social platforms.

“This remodeling must include industry leaders from all areas drawing a line in the sand against unacceptable online practices as well as being active participants in the process of establishing new standards for our online world,” he wrote.

Now, social media is facing an inflection point, just weeks after a violent mob stormed the Capitol in an attack that was conceived, plotted, and stoked primarily online. Powerful platforms including Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube responded by suspending Donald Trump’s accounts, while Amazon and Apple cut ties with Parler, a social network that was used by the rioters. But experts and regulators believe that more must be done to reform social media.

Against this background, Prince Harry is once again imploring people to pay attention to the problems social media have wrought. In a wide-ranging interview with Fast Company, he explains why social platforms must be held accountable for the Capitol attack and the circumstances that enabled it, and why we must remodel the digital world before it’s too late.

FC: Six months ago, you wrote an essay for Fast Company in which you asked companies to take action to ensure the meaningful reform of our “unchecked and divisive attention economy.” How has your perspective on social media’s role in society changed over the last few weeks since the attack on the U.S. Capitol?

Prince Harry: When I wrote that piece, I was sharing my view that dominant online platforms have contributed to and stoked the conditions for a crisis of hate, a crisis of health, and a crisis of truth.

And I stand by that, along with millions of others who see and feel what this era has done at every level—we are losing loved ones to conspiracy theories, losing a sense of self because of the barrage of mistruths, and at the largest scale, losing our democracies.

The magnitude of this cannot be overstated, as noted even by the defectors who helped build these platforms. It takes courage to stand up, cite where things have gone wrong, and offer proposals and solutions. The need for that is greater than ever before. So I’m encouraged by and grateful for the groundswell of people who work—or have worked—inside these very platforms choosing to speak up against hate, violence, division, and confusion.

FC: Why is this topic so important to you? How was your outlook affected by the well-documented online harassment you and your wife have faced in the U.K.?

PH: I was really surprised to witness how my story had been told one way, my wife’s story had been told one way, and then our union sparked something that made the telling of that story very different.

That false narrative became the mothership for all of the harassment you’re referring to. It wouldn’t have even begun had our story just been told truthfully.

WE ARE LOSING LOVED ONES TO CONSPIRACY THEORIES, LOSING A SENSE OF SELF BECAUSE OF THE BARRAGE OF MISTRUTHS, AND AT THE LARGEST SCALE, LOSING OUR DEMOCRACIES.”

PRINCE HARRY, THE DUKE OF SUSSEX

But the important thing about what we experienced is that it led to us hearing from so many others around the world. We’ve thought a lot about those in much more vulnerable positions than us, and how much of a need there is for real empathy and support.

To their own degree, everyone has been deeply affected by the current consequences of the digital space. It could be as individual as seeing a loved one go down the path of radicalisation or as collective as seeing the science behind the climate crisis denied.

We are all vulnerable to it, which is why I don’t see it as a tech issue, or a political issue—it’s a humanitarian issue.

From an early age, the guiding principle in my life has been about the duty to truth, the pursuit of compassion, and the alleviation of suffering. My life has always been about trying to do my part to help those who need it most, and right now, we need this change—because it touches nearly every single thing we do or are exposed to.

FC: Where do we go from here? What do you think needs to change to create an online atmosphere where truth, equity, and free speech are all prioritized?

PH: I ask the same thing every day and lean on the experts to help give guidance on how to reform the state of our digital world—how we make it better for our kids, of course, but also for ourselves—now.

The avalanche of misinformation we are all inundated with is bending reality and has created this distorted filter that affects our ability to think clearly or even understand the world around us.

What happens online does not stay online—it spreads everywhere, like wildfire: into our homes and workplaces, into the streets, into our minds. The question really becomes about what to do when news and information sharing is no longer a decent, truthful exchange, but rather an exchange of weaponry.

WHAT HAPPENS ONLINE DOES NOT STAY ONLINE—IT SPREADS EVERYWHERE, LIKE WILDFIRE: INTO OUR HOMES AND WORKPLACES, INTO THE STREETS, INTO OUR MINDS.”

PRINCE HARRY, THE DUKE OF SUSSEX

The answer I’ve heard from experts in this space is that the common denominator starts with accountability. There has to be accountability to collective wellbeing, not just financial incentive. It’s hard for me to understand how the platforms themselves can eagerly take profit but shun responsibility.

There also has to be common, shared accountability. We can call for digital reform and debate how that happens and what it looks like, but it’s also on each of us to take a more critical eye to our own relationship with technology and media. To start, it doesn’t have to be that complicated. Consider setting limits on the time you spend on social media, stop yourself from endlessly scrolling, fact-check the source and research the information you see, and commit to taking a more compassionate approach and tone when you post or comment. These might seem like little things, but they add up.

Finally, there’s a responsibility to compassion that we each own. Humans crave connection, social bonds, and a sense of belonging. When we don’t have those, we end up fractured, and in the digital age that can unfortunately be a catalyst for finding connection in mass extremism movements or radicalisation. We need to take better care of each other, especially in these times of isolation and vulnerability.

FC: Since the Capitol riot, big tech companies from Twitter to Amazon have exercised their power by making determinations about who gets to use their products. Do you think companies should have the power to make decisions about who has access to some of the most prominent platforms on the internet?

PH: We have seen time and again what happens when the real-world cost of misinformation is disregarded. There is no way to downplay this. There was a literal attack on democracy in the United States, organised on social media, which is an issue of violent extremism. It is widely acknowledged that social media played a role in the genocide in Myanmar and was used as a vehicle to incite violence against the Rohingya people, which is a human rights issue. And in Brazil, social media provided a conduit for misinformation which ultimately brought destruction to the Amazon, which is an environmental and global health issue.

In a way, taking a predominately hands-off approach to problems for so long is itself an exercise in power.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about Speakers’ Corner, an area in London’s Hyde Park which is home to open-air debate, dialogue, and the exchange of information and ideas. I used to go past it all the time.

This concept of a ‘public square’ isn’t anything new—it can be traced back to the early days of democracies. You get up there and speak your piece. There are ground rules. You can’t incite violence, you can’t obscure who you are, and you can’t pay to monopolise or own the space itself. Ideas are considered or shot down; opinions are formed. At its best, movements are born, lies are laid bare, and attempts to stoke violence are rejected in the moment. At its worst, intolerance, groupthink, hate, and persecution are amplified. And at times, it forces lines to be drawn and rules or laws to emerge or be challenged.

I THINK IT’S A FALSE CHOICE TO SAY YOU HAVE TO PICK BETWEEN FREE SPEECH OR A MORE COMPASSIONATE AND TRUSTWORTHY DIGITAL WORLD.”

PRINCE HARRY, THE DUKE OF SUSSEX

I’m not saying we should abandon technology in favour of Speakers’ Corner. Rather, it’s that we should avoid buying into the idea that social media is the ultimate modern-day public square and that any attempt to ask platforms to be accountable to the landscape they’ve created is an attack or restriction of speech. I think it’s a false choice to say you have to pick between free speech or a more compassionate and trustworthy digital world. They are not mutually exclusive.

With these companies, in this model, we have a very small number of incredibly powerful and consolidated gatekeepers who have deployed hidden algorithms to pick the content billions see every day, and curate the information—or misinformation—everyone consumes. This radically alters how and why we inform opinions. It alters how we speak and what we decide to speak about. It alters how we think and how we react.

Ultimately, it has allowed for completely different versions of reality, with opposing sets of truth, to exist simultaneously. In this, one’s understanding of truth does not have to be based in fact, because there’s always an ability to furnish some form of “proof” to reinforce that version of “truth.” I believe this is the opposite of what we should want from our collective online community. The current model sorts and separates rather than bringing us together; it drowns out or even eliminates healthy dialogue and reasonable debate; it strips away the mutual respect we should have for each other as citizens of the same world.

FC: How do you plan to use your platform to push for change when it comes to hate speech, algorithmic amplification, and misinformation in 2021? Since you’re not a trained expert on these topics, why do you think people should listen to your perspective?

PH: I know enough to know that I certainly don’t know everything, especially when it comes to tech—but when you see this as a humanitarian issue, then you see the spread of misinformation as requiring a humanitarian response.

This is why my wife and I spent much of 2020 consulting the experts and learning directly from academics, advocates, and policymakers. We’ve also been listening with empathy to people who have stories to share—including people who have been deeply affected by misinformation and those who grew up as digital natives.

What we hope to do is continue to be a spotlight for their perspectives, and focus on harnessing their experience and energy to accelerate the pace of change in the digital world.

FC: Your Archewell Foundation has collaborated with several groups and institutions that aim to rethink technology and study its impact on people. As a philanthropist, why are you supporting research efforts within this space?

PH: If we’ve learned anything, it’s that our dominant technologies were built to grow and grow and grow, without serious consideration for the ripple effect of that growth. We have to do more than simply reconsider this model. The stakes are too high, and time is running out.

WE HAVE TO DO MORE THAN SIMPLY RECONSIDER THIS MODEL. THE STAKES ARE TOO HIGH, AND TIME IS RUNNING OUT.”

PRINCE HARRY, THE DUKE OF SUSSEX

There are a lot of incredible people and digital architects thinking about—or already working on—innovative and healthy platforms. We need to support them, not only because it’s the right thing to do, but also because it can make commercial sense. And we have to look at the state of competition and ensure that the landscape doesn’t indiscriminately squeeze out or incentivise against fresh ideas.

I believe we can begin to make our digital world healthier, more compassionate, more inclusive, and trustworthy.

And it’s time to move from rethinking to remodelling.

FC: Given your concerns about divisiveness, misinformation, and hate speech online, how have your views on using social media yourself changed over the last few years? How do you approach it now and are you planning to make any changes?

PH: It’s funny you should ask because ironically, we woke up one morning a couple of weeks ago to hear that a Rupert Murdoch newspaper said we were evidently quitting social media. That was ‘news’ to us, bearing in mind we have no social media to quit, nor have we for the past 10 months.

The truth is, despite its well-documented ills, social media can offer a means of connecting and community, which are vital to us as human beings. We need to hear each other’s stories and be able to share our own. That’s part of the beauty of life. And don’t get me wrong; I’m not suggesting that a reform of the digital space will create a world that’s all rainbows and sunshine, because that’s not realistic, and that, too, isn’t life.

There can be disagreement, conversation, opposing points of view—as there should be, but never to the extent that violence is created, truth is mystified, and lives are jeopardised.

We will revisit social media when it feels right for us—perhaps when we see more meaningful commitments to change or reform—but right now we’ve thrown much of our energy into learning about this space and how we can help.

FC: Are you optimistic or pessimistic about our ability to build a healthier online ecosystem?

PH: Optimistic, of course, because I believe in us, as human beings, and that we are wired to be compassionate and honest and good. Aspects of the digital space have unfortunately manipulated (or even highlighted) our weaknesses and brought out the worst in some.

We have to believe in optimism because that’s the world and the humanity I want for my son, and all of us.

We look forward to being part of the human experience—not a human experiment.

[skincarebeautymakeuptips]

How Indie Beauty Brands Practice Inclusivity

In this edition of Beauty Independent’s ongoing series posing questions to beauty entrepreneurs, we ask 17 brand founders and executives: What is your brand’s approach to inclusivity?

KETHLYN WHITE | COO, Coil Beauty

Our brand was created to give a face to beauty that has not always been considered beautiful. When we create graphics for our marketing, we strive to look for the nontraditional beauties because we know how important representation is to everyone, even on a subconscious level.  

One of my favorite things as an adult is to be able to watch a show like "Insecure" or "Black-ish," and say, “Oh, there’s my hairstyle for next week.” As a kid, I was trying to use the Topsy Tail and, if you remember what that is, then you, my friend, are aging gracefully. So, for me, my brand aims to be inclusive of the people who weren’t always included, and I think our website and social media pages do a good job of that. Of course, we are always trying to do more. For us, this is a marathon not a sprint.

ADA JURISTOVSKI | Co-Founder, Nala

We strive to be inclusive of forms of sexual identification, body types, cultures and race. To us, it means being mindful of representation in our brand, but also being open-minded to continually learning about how we can widen that representation. It can be something as detail-oriented as updating our copy from “women” to “womxn,” or deliberate decisions we make such as intentionally having our packaging represent body forms that are fluid, androgynous and ambiguous with the hope that anyone can identify with it and see a part of themselves within the art.

KAILEY BRADT | Founder and CEO, OWA Haircare

Inclusivity has to mean something personally to a founder and, therefore, a brand. I've always been mindful of inclusivity because I've always felt a bit on the outside. It's important to think of inclusivity with a holistic perspective. It's not just about appearance. Inclusivity goes beyond age, gender, ethnicity. I always felt judged without saying a word. As I got older, especially when I first got to college, I felt even more out of place because I was studying engineering and my appearance didn't say "engineer."

My approach to inclusivity is to look beyond the physical attributes of a person and take into consideration their experience, education, career, etc. My approach with our brand is to give real people a genuine voice. I really enjoy working with up-and-coming professionals and giving people opportunities they might not have been given otherwise. I know others who have done this for me in my career, and I wouldn't be where I am today if people didn't believe in me and present me those opportunities that challenged the norm.

RANAY ORTON | Owner, Glow by Daye

My approach of being mindful of inclusivity in my brand is to try and create multiple physical avatars of my customers. Many books and experts say to have one exact avatar, an icon or figure that represents your key demographic. Well, the reality is that, yes, you can have a go-to person in mind for key decision-making on your brand and it's positioning, but all your customers do not look alike.

People want to see some physical resemblance of themselves when they see your website, marketing and social media. As a company, we have to be conscious of that as we serve many different people with different ethnicities, hair types/textures and/or complexions, but all have the same goal of achieving healthy, thriving hair.

PAAYAL MAHAJAN | Founder, Essential Body

Inclusivity is not just a term for me. I am a brown woman who has faced a lot of discrimination while living and working in the U.S. I have faced assumptions around my background with no thought or interest in where I come from or what my heritage is. I have dealt with the blows of white privilege in the workplace and personally. I was also judged for my size for a majority of my life. I am someone who has fought and continues to fight for the rights of the marginalized and oppressed.

I am not interested in tokenism. I smell it from a mile away. You can’t fake your way into being inclusive. My authenticity and my voice are the most powerful ways for me to communicate that my brand is me, and it espouses my values and my perspective on the world. It never was, and is certainly not enough now, to do a rainbow of ethnicities in your imagery. I see brands appropriating cultures, not giving thought to messaging and imagery. None of that is for me. You can’t be mindful of inclusivity unless you fundamentally shift your mindset. This is not something businesses can phone in.

ADA POLLACEO, Alchimie Forever

We strive to be inclusive in everything we do. From the people we use in our marketing materials (fun fact: They’re all family members, team members or friends.) to the way we train our brand ambassadors, we focus on skincare concerns rather than gender, skin color or other identifiers. We don’t say, “Hey, we’re inclusive." Rather, we strive to behave in a way that makes everyone feel welcome and comfortable, and that our products were made for them.

KATONYA BREAUX | Founder, Unsun Cosmetics

As a black founder and consumer, I have firsthand knowledge of what it feels like to not be considered by companies providing skincare and makeup products. I wanted to make sure that not only women that looked like me, but women in general had the benefit and knowledge that there is a product that is made with them in mind, and not only as an afterthought. In this very inclusive environment, the companies that aren't getting on the bandwagon are the ones that are standing out.

NISHA DEARBORN | Founder and CEO, Fresh Chemistry

I teach my kids that the only difference between skin of different colors is the amount of melanin in it. As a daughter of a dermatologist, I can attest to this very simple, yet still profound truth. So, when it comes to my brand, I choose models or repost user-generated content that represents who the freshly activated serums are best suited for: all skin types and colors.

JULIE PEFFERMAN | Founder, The Lab and Co.

We have always thought about inclusivity from the customers perspective and our employee perspective. In the near future, inclusivity won't be a buzzword. Instead, it will be something every brand must do. It will be the authenticity that inclusivity is delivered that will distinguish us from the rest.  

On the employee internal side, since we are a lab, it makes sense that our one-word company philosophy is "mix," which guides us as we grow. Mix in kindness in everything you do. Mix with other kinds of people/thinkers to expand your mind and life. When something isn't working, mix it up with a new approach. There is always a way. Work hard, take pride in what you bring to the mix. Take the risk, failure is valued, speak up and mix in your ideas, and see what bubbles to the top.

On the customer side, we try to rethink target customers and find meaningful ways to include others. Our brand, Cleantan, was the first self-tanning brand to showcase full-figured models of various skin colors. We encourage people to be as tan as they want to be with our color controlling concentrate. Our brand Equal By Nature was birthed out of inclusivity, encouraging everyone to celebrate their differences. We aim to create luxurious hero products that fit into anyone's routine at a reasonable price. We call it inclusive luxury.

AMBER FAWSON | Co-Founder, Saalt

Inclusivity is a central and all-important topic in the world of period care. It is actually one of the reasons we love period care. There is something about period talk that brings people together regardless of background or belief. We all share struggles with period management. We all agree that no one should feel confused and alone about their period and their body. We all agree that we want students around the world to have period care that allows them to attend school when they are on their period.

At Saalt, we believe in being period positive and, by focusing on period positive topics, we can do some incredible things with the help of our audience. Our audience helps us break stigmas and also connects us with impact organizations who are doing incredible work around the world. Every part of our brand is about being welcoming and adding people to our tribe regardless of any variety of personal backgrounds or beliefs.

MELISSA REINKING | Chief Marketing Officer, BioClarity

We always try to stay grounded in knowing that the consumers who discover us all have different starting points and skin goals in mind. Step one to being inclusive is being individualized. If we can help people get to where they want to be by understanding their individual needs, desires and starting points, and if we can customize their experience around these attributes, not some idealized version of what we think a consumer might need, this helps us remain not only inclusive, but also very mindful of the evolving needs of those who become part of our brand.

BRANDON GARCIA | Co-Founder, Mira

My co-founder Jay Hack and I wanted to ensure that anyone, no matter who they are, what they look like or what their interests are is able to find what works best for them. The incredible diversity of beauty consumers has driven not only the increased fragmentation of beauty products and trends in the industry, but also the heightened demands for personalization.

Diversity and inclusivity are not only baked into our very core, but they are also the primary factors driving the need for a platform like this. We've worked hard to build an expansive data catalog of over 60,000 products and millions of reviews and videos that can be leveraged to help consumers from all walks of life find what works for them.

In the long term, we hope that it becomes a platform for beauty brands, content creators, and consumers to engage in authentic, meaningful conversation. By doing so, we seek to help advance the industry in co-developing products that best speak to the amazingly diverse individuals that comprise the beauty community.

RENAE MOOMJIAN | Founder and CEO, NipLips

We are vocal in all touch points with our community that everyone is welcome. Whether it is a photoshoot, new brand ambassador or activity, we are continually looking for ways to bring diversity in race, ethnic background, religion, sexual preference, sexual indentification, age, size (large to small and everything in between) into our brand.

Our company tag line is “Beautiful, Authentic You!” and our goal is to help people look within to define not only their unique beauty, but who they really are at their core. So, for example, by using our app, doing a color scan of your nipples, and matching to one of our vegan, organic, lip colors, you are using your body to define what looks good on you rather than social media or celebrities. True beauty and inclusivity starts with embracing your uniqueness and, then, sharing it with the world. We work very hard to promote that message.

FEISAL QURESHI | Founder, Raincry

My personal view is that beauty is not real, it doesn't exist. It's all perspective. That perspective evolves, changes and means different things to different people at different times in our lives. Just look at the 80s. We looked ridiculous, but were full of confidence.

So, beauty is not about the things we buy or how we look, but rather how that thing makes us feel when we wear it, use it or experience it. Therefore, beauty is about emotions and, as a beauty brand, you become a custodian of those emotions to help better people's lives.

KRISTEN BOWEN | Founder & CEO, Living The Good Life Naturally

My entire life I have been on a diet or searching for the perfect diet. I just wanted to be skinny and equated that with being healthy. I will never forget the day that I was sitting in my wheelchair feeling pretty sorry for myself and wondering if I would ever feel good again. A friend walked up and asked me how I was doing. Instead of the usual, “Oh, I am fine,” I answered her honestly. “I am so tired of being sick and having seizures and stressing my family out.”

She looked at me and said something that would shatter and change the course of what I was searching for when it came to my health. She patted my leg after I told her how tired I was and replied, “But Kristen, at least you are skinny.” I had achieved my lifelong dream of being skinny, but it was not what I wanted. I wanted vibrant energy.

Now, when clients start to work with me, I ask them to write out what healthy looks like to them. That way they have a specific goal in mind of what they are wanting to create. Because of that one exchange, we make sure to include all body types in our marketing. Being healthy is so much more than being skinny.

JEAN BAIK | Founder and Creative Chief Officer, Miss A

One of our biggest missions as a business is to #justhavefun with makeup and beauty. So, we always offer as many shades as possible and offer products that would work for a young teen all the way into late adulthood.

JASMIN EL KORDI | CEO, Bluelene

Cellular health is gender, age and ethnicity neutral, and our brand reflects that philosophy. We ensure that our packaging and messaging appeal to a wide human audience, and that we incorporate that variety into the imagery we use.

Source: Beauty Independent  

[readersguidetotheuniverse]

The Midnight Library, by Matt Haig

The Book of Regrets

Ariadna: I love how the author puts them down on paper —or on video, considering Hugo’s version of the library. Regretting past decisions is part of our human nature, and most of us live in societies that, even though improving, do not give much space for vulnerability and emotional talking. I found it very interesting how writing them down and reflecting —or acting, as Nora does— on them may help us improve, be more gentle and understanding with ourselves and, in turn, with others around us. I think it is a great symbol of how our regrets weigh us down and how we can deal with them in order to raise above them and grow.

Alicia: If I had in front of me a book of everything I regret and I had the chance to change things, would I? Yes. Hundred percent yes. Cause I am a very regretful person and I have done bad things, treated people badly and just fucked up in many many ways. So if I could I would change about a million things, no doubt. However, I don't have that book. And I can't change things from the past. I can only make sure I don't make the same mistakes in the future. Having regrets is natural but also a royal pain in the ass, pardon my French. I have had sleepless nights cause I remembered that one time I embarrassed myself in front of a guy I had a crush on when I was twelve. It sucks. And I'm slowly but steadily trying to come to an agreement with myself that everyone has done things they regret and it's okay, and I just have to move on. Hopefully one day I will fully embrace this thought.

Marina: I’d like to think everybody has a Book of Regrets, be it a literal book or an imaginary one. We all have made choices that we may regret later on in life even though we thought they were the right ones at the time. The fact that Nora sees them all in writing is, comprehensively, overwhelming; I too would feel pain if I were shown all my regrets in one sitting! But otherwise, it’s a way to show the character (as time goes on in the narrative) that she can overcome them, they were the choices that made her Nora, not Nora the swimmer, not Nora the singer, just Nora. And that’s what I take away from the book: life is not pretty and we may regret some choices, but in the end it’s what makes us real and how we got to this point in our lives, even if it’s not the best of times, we will endure.

The library/videoclub store/restaurant, etc (or why it changes from person to person)

Ariadna: At first, it seemed weird that there existed other versions of the «library». Don’t get me wrong; it seems very organic to me to start reading a book or a movie and being transferred to that particular life, I understand how that plain of existence shapes itself according to the psyche of the individual to accommodate them, make them feel secure, calm, at home, in a way. It just didn’t make sense that you ate spaghetti bolognese and were transported into a life in which you’ve moved to a small village in Tuscany and worked as a photographer in a vineyard state, for the lack of a better example.

Alicia: I think it was such a smart move to have different people go through the same thing but with a different setting to fit each individual's life. It made so much sense to me. Everyone goes through different experiences and feels attached to different things, so the most logical thing would be to have a specific setting for each person according to what they feel the most connected to. I like the library the most, especially because the idea of each life being a different book for you to read is fascinating. But I couldn't help imagining an infinite Blockbuster full of movies of your other lives and I love the concept as well. Now that I think about it, mine would probably be some kind of online streaming service. An afterlife Netflix of sorts.

Marina: I found this part very beautiful. The fact that it changes from person to person to best fit their personalities. I thought about what this in-between place would look like for me but I honestly couldn’t come up with anything! There’s not a place that I associate with complete and utter happiness. I have been happy in many places and sad in many others, so to choose just one is very difficult for me. 

The ending (it cuts abruptly)

Ariadna: Suffering mental illnesses myself, the ending pissed me off. It is predictable, clichéed and plainly boring. Too “feel-good” for me. I think Matt Haig, having suffered depression too himself, could have taken the opportunity to dwell on real ways to deal with this kind of mental illnesses, instead of creating an imaginary place after commiting suicide where you are given a magical second chance (or third, or fourth, or twentieth). This is straightforwardly triggering and naive and does not give much other message than “you just wait, some day you’ll reach rock bottom and suddenly, if you don’t die, you will be awarded a magical 180 degree turn in your life and everything will be better in a split second”. I get it, he wants to highlight how seeing things from different perspectives may help, but that’s not the way to do it, not at all. I think you already got how pissed I am, so I’m leaving it here.

Alicia: The ending was pretty predictable, some parts of it. For me, at least. But still I liked it. Being a person suffering from anxiety and a bit of depression I know it's not that easy and nice and cute. But, at the end, it's a book and it's fiction and I'm not going to try to solve my life with it. What I took from all the lives and the ending is that there are always going to be regrets, no life is perfect, thinking about what could have happened doesn't help anything. Nora realizes what she wants in her life, what she misses, what she did wrong and works to fix that and be nicer to the people around her. I think it's a nice take. Realistic? Probably not. Depression is not gonna just leave. But I think it's quite optimistic and hopeful and that's not always a bad thing.

Marina: To be completely honest I expected how the book would end from pretty much the beginning. So the fact that it ends where and when it does did not surprise me much. I think Matt Haig  could have done a better job. Talking about it with Ariadna and Alicia we have come to the same conclusion: how does Nora deal with her depression? Does she all of a sudden get cured? Or does she still have mental health problems from time to time? It would have been a better ending if it addressed some of those issues but overall it was expected that it wouldn’t.

Mrs. Elm

Ariadna: We all tend to idealise people who do us good or help us in hard times, specially as children. If we are to recall them, we remember them wiser, warmer, prettier... Imho, the library version of Mrs. Elm is an idealisation of the real Mrs. Elm. Being the only supporting adult in her childhood, more specifically, when her father died, Nora considered her a reference, an idol, if you want, so her mind has idealised her like some sort of a gurú or wisewoman. I would have loved to see how, meeting her again in real life, Nora could pinpoint the differences between them and acknowledge that even her young days’ idol has flaws and is a human being like any other. In the end, we tend to love people more because they’re flawed that we would if they were perfect.

Alicia: I think we all have met someone at some point that we looked up to. That person doesn't have to be perfect, or the smartest, or the best person out there. Probably we don't even know that person fully well. But for some reason we find comfort in them, we feel safe. The Mrs Elm from the library and the real Mrs Elm are not the same person. Sometimes we create a mental picture of people that doesn't 100% match with reality, but that doesn't mean it's not true for us. Real Mrs Elm said she was a bad wife and not a good mother, she maybe wasn't the person Nora thought she was, but she was still kind to her and took care of her when she needed it the most. Everyone can make mistakes sometimes but some things can't be faked, like true kindness. Maybe it's a bit naive of me, but I think mistakes can be forgiven if the person really is pure of heart. I think these kinda people are rare. At least, I haven't found many. (Truth be told I tend to easily see the bad in people so I am not the greatest example here). I think that in my library I would find a literature professor I had in my freshman year of college. I rarely talked to him outside of class, and if I did it was barely greeting in hallways, but I admired him so much and I felt at peace when I listened to him speak. I think he would be my Mrs Elm.

Marina: The differences for me are obvious: Mrs Elm in real life is a person, just another normal human being with problems and regrets. Her library counterpart, however, is just an entity that guided Nora through her regrets and helped her “overcome” them. So, in a way, we could theorize that the Mrs Elm in the library is really Nora’s own conscience trying to help her through her mental state.

Quantum theory or the multiverse

Ariadna: I love the idea of the multiverses (who doesn’t, after the whole MCU multiverse, timeline altering mumbo jumbo), of how a single minor decision can change your life drastically. I found it somehow inspiring and terrifying at the same time. It is scary to consider the power every little decision has in your life, how it can turn your life upside down but, at the same time, it offers billions of possibilities, it encourages you to try, to get past the infamous Book of Regrets, for you never know if a «bad decision» could have turned otherwise even more awful than what you think is your life now. It’s all about perspective.

Alicia: I am completely enthralled by the concept of the multiverse and also confused as heck. I am not one for science so really specific explanations just sound like gibberish in my mind, but the idea of an infinite number of universes existing simultaneously blows my mind. I keep seeing it in movies and TV shows and I fall for it every single time. At the same time, it stresses me out a little bit. It makes me wonder what I am doing differently in those other universes, am I happier? Am I successful? What if in one universe I worked harder or wasn't as picky and I managed to get a job I truly enjoy? What if I moved to a different city like I have always wanted to? What if I wasn't as afraid of living...

Marina: I geeked out a bit, not gonna lie, when Hugo explained the whole quantum theory of the multiverse. I’d like to think there’s one Marina out there that, for example, knows how to speak perfect Chinese; or runs marathons every year  (though that would be very hard!); or dresses like a hipster or a million other things. I do believe that every choice we make turns into a different reality; but, just the same as it creates a new universe, it makes me who I am. It makes me the woman that writes about books for fun, that likes to have dinner with her friends and get a little tipsy on one cocktail or too shy to talk to anyone but will power through a public talk because she is also a bit of a badass (if I do say so myself ;P). And even though I get sad sometimes because I regret some choices I made, in the end, it brought me here and I have to believe it’s where I am meant to be. I sound way more chipper about it than I actually am sometimes… I mean, I do try to look on the bright side as often as I can!

Nora’s “perfect” life and why she didn’t choose it

Ariadna: Maybe you’ll call me spoilsport, but I think nobody gets their real “perfect” life, that it does not truly exist, because then accomplished turns out to be underwhelming. I think that’s what happened to Nora, why she couldn’t stay in that fairytale version of her life: because she was, in some way, bored. She had everything she ever wanted, therefore, she had nothing to really fight for, nothing to make her life motivating and interesting. I think, in the end, life is just the not-so-perfectly balanced mix of good and bad times, successes and failures. If all we did was win, we would end up not valuing the successes and living a bland, boring life. I think one of the main morals of this book is precisely to learn how to value good and bad times equally, to learn to find the good in the seemingly awful and the bad in the seemingly perfect to find the right in between.

Alicia: I knew quite early on that she'd end up going back to her original life, I think it was quite predictable and expected. However, that didn't stop me wishing she decided to stay in her 'perfect life' with Molly and Ash. Mostly cause I was rooting for her and that happy ending she seemed so desperate to find, and this seemed to be it. She could finally be with someone good who loved her, have a loving family, a good relationship with her brother, have a nice career in philosophy... it was just perfect, but it wasn't hers. And being honest, I also wouldn't want to live another life that wasn't mine. Even if it belongs to myself from another universe, it is still not mine to live. I rather have a life in which everything I have, I earned.

Marina: We all would love to have that “perfect” life, or what we think is a perfect life, right? To have a bigger house, a nicer car, a sexier body, or whatever you think “perfect” means. But not many people can say they actually live their perfect life. Nora gets that choice and, as I think many of us would realize,  it’s not altogether what she imagined. Yes, she gets the guy; yes, she gets a great daughter that loves her, but is she happier there than she was in her crappy apartment with her crappy job and her cat? In a way, I guess, but ultimately no. She is aware that this is not the life she created for herself, nor the life she will get to live. I feel like this would happen to all of us if we had the opportunity to live our “perfect” lives, we would get everything we wanted but at what cost? What did we sacrifice to get there? Would it be a price worth paying? As the Stones say: “You can't always get what you want / But if you try sometimes, well, you might find / You get what you need”.

[cutebutstillsingle]

A lot of still-single people don’t realize there is a difference between “values and standards” on a character level, and “preferences”.  i used to get the feedback all the time that I was “too picky”, and it used to infuriate me to hear it.  Turns out, people were half-way right.  I was too picky.  But the truth was that I was too picky on “preferences” and not picky enough when it came to “values and standards”.  And also, my standards were fully out of touch with reality, because I didn’t realize there is no such thing as a “perfect” straight out the box. 

Ok so let’s start with preferences. This is the area where I was foolishly being too picky.  These are things like “enjoys nature, lean body, has college degree”.  Preferences kinda matter, but ultimately people’s preferences are dictated by their more deeply important ‘values and standards’. 

When you start to become overly hung-up on preferences, this can lead you to believe that no one else will ever compare to your terrible ex boyfriend or girlfriend.  Because you will think “what is the likelihood that I will ever find someone again who possesses that particular unique pairing of preferences?”.  Maybe you won’t.  But would you rather have someone that has maybe half the preferences of your ex, but 110% of the character and standards you dream of?  Exactly. 

The truth is, half your preferences don’t actually matter; and honestly, “values and standards” are going to naturally filter preferences out for you.  Preferences are tangible, external measures that, no joke, most people on the planet are potentially capable of learning and developing if they have the desire and enough time and resources at their disposal.  That being said, outside of race preferences (and I’ve already made a post about being straight up actually racist.  Being legit racist will keep you single), anyone who loves you enough, if these kinds of external preferences mattered to the two of you you that profoundly, would want to try and pursue the things that you value, so that the two you could potentially grow closer and continue to walk alongside each other while pursuing your life goals.  

Values and standards, however, are intangible in nature.    They can’t be known just by meeting someone on a superficial level.  It is not until you actually start to experience how somebody carries out their life, in person, that their values and standards can come to light.  Values and standards are what allows each person to decide for him or herself what are the “musts” and the “dealbreakers”; and these genuinely drive the long-term potential behind every romantic connection.  Values and standards are what’s behind a person’s habits, hobbies, preferences, and decisions.  

For example, “health” is a value and a non-negotiable standard for me.  Someone else who values the standard of health is probably going to have a few pictures on his dating profile of him doing stuff outdoors for enjoyment.  He will say that his use of intoxicants is minimal or nonexistent.  You might see him eating an acai bowl and enjoying a family dinner with all his cousins.  These are examples of how values and standards reveal themselves through preferences, but how preferences should not be the barometer.  

More importantly, values and standards usually come from a person’s character.  And a rare character is the true thing that makes someone so uniquely desirable.  Pay attention to that word “rare”.  A person of amazing character and values really is rare to stumble upon.  There are a million girls that look like the Alana Blanchard, or Tyra Banks, or Lucy Liu type, who all work out and do the same hobbies.  But it’s the character that makes THAT particular Alana Blanchard clone so rare and desirable.  

Why do we all keep expecting our “perfect” dream partner to be a real thing?  It’s not.  The reality is that there is no such thing as Mr. or Mrs. Perfect.  And even thinking that you can show up to the table “perfectly” is just never going to happen. Nor is your partner going to show up with all of your preferences and dreams dialed in.  It’s kind of like the olympic games.  Chances are very high they will get a 10.0 from most of the criteria on the panel, and then they’re going to majorly sink in a few areas.  It’ll be like “floor routine: 10, vault: 10, balance beam: 10, gymnastic rings: 2, uneven bars: 2″.  Alana Blanchard can’t do everything perfectly, and she can’t be every man’s version of “perfect”no matter how hard she tries.  But for Jack, she works.  

Most of us are over here expecting 10s across the board because of social media, and the fact that the real life couples we know don’t usually go around disclosing the difficulties in their relationships and the flaws in their partner’s character.  I literally would ask my coupled friends general questions so that I could learn what to expect or what to look for while dating (ie was this normal?), and my friends would literally respond back saying “I’m not trying to expose my husband’s dirty laundry”.  It is not our fault, singles of America, that we are so misguided.  Literally no one is showing us the truth.  So we keep holding fast to our unattainable, out of touch standards and preferences.  

I now realize how important it is to make a list of your own values and standards (every few years).  Not to be confused with “the values and standards I want in a partner”-- no.  I’m talking about what values and standards matter to you regarding the reality of your life.  I now believe it is critical that every adult take time to sit down with yourself and list, in a journal, the values and standards that truly matter to you in your life-- the life that you intend on sharing during a life partnership with someone else.  These are what need to matter the most, because as you are out dating and getting to know people, your values and standards are what your brain is going to be subconsciously looking for and attracted to. 

Particularly as we each endure the inevitable hardships of life that will come our way, these also recalibrate the standards and values that we think matter. I used to think I wanted to be an occupational therapist (works in rehab in hospitals alongside physical therapists) and as time progressed through the reality of busting my ass in OT grad school, turns out, no.   I don’t want to have to do patient transfers or have to deal with physically aggressive cognitively impaired patients who basically abuse me at work.  So now, I’m an educator and I still make a paycheck big enough to survive off of, and live a life I’m very content with.  

You may have also gone your whole life thinking something like, say, ‘health’ wasn’t a value.  And then something happens in  your life that changes everything.  Life should change and strengthen your character and values.  So keep doing this values exercise at regular intervals (like once every 3-5 years?), whether you're still single, and when you’re in a partnership. It will show you if you’re still growing in the same direction as your partner, and whether you’re still growing in a direction you appreciate for yourself, whether partnered or not.  

Finally,  how much of your ‘values and standards’ list do you actually embody right now?  After you make your list,  you need to assess how good of a job you are doing being the values you have listed.  Because it is unfair to magically expect your partner to possess qualities that deeply matter to you, and yet you can’t even embody those things yourself.  It’s safe to say that values you long for in a partner are things your soul longs for in your reality, period.  And there is no reason they can’t come from you first.   If you notice that you have listed a standard or value that you yourself have not yet been able to develop, well then... keep working on you and shift the focus off of expecting your partner to be that thing for you.  (and yes, I’m always speaking to myself when I write these posts, too). 

[jordanianroyals]

15 January 2020: King Abdullah II delivered an address to the European Parliament in Strasbourg, France, covering a number of regional and international concerns.

Addressing parliamentary representatives of the European Union’s member states, King Abdullah stressed the importance of leadership, noting that leaders have a responsibility to safeguard their people’s long-term interests and welfare.

His Majesty highlighted developments in the region and the world over the past decade. (Source: Petra)

Following is the full text of the King’s address to the European Parliament:

“In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful,

Mr President, Honourable Members, Your Excellencies, My friends:

Thank you all. It is an honour to speak before the European Parliament once again.

As I look around this historic Chamber, I see it holds many hundreds of people. But in truth, there are with us today millions more, from different countries, histories, and perspectives.

So we, who are gathered here, have two things in common. First, is our responsibility to these millions—the people who have entrusted us with their hopes and fears.

And second, we are all very fortunate—for a life spent in the service of others, is a life fully lived. But only if we live up to the expectations of the millions of people with us in this hall today.

If we falter, the most vulnerable pay the highest price—the young men and women who look to their future and see nothing; bewildered refugee mothers, clutching their children, with no place to call home; or anxious fathers who cannot find jobs to provide for their loved ones; and the many who feel sidelined, their identity under threat.

The defining feature of the past decade has been people finding their voices. Millions across the world have poured onto the streets, marched, occupied, sat down, sat in, tweeted, podcast, hashtagged what they want—loud and clear.

And they all want the same thing—a fair chance, a fighting chance.

Dear friends,

People around the world have voiced their desired destination, but are looking to us to guide them along the path; looking to us to foresee and prepare for the obstacles ahead.

This calls for several "what-if" questions.

And these questions are not merely a whimsical or theoretical exercise, especially in my region, where worst-case scenarios do not lay comfortably within the realm of the hypothetical, but often wander too closely to the borders of our reality. Furthermore, what happens in the Middle East has a way of making itself felt everywhere around the world.

So, let me start with our region’s deepest wound. What if the world gives up on the two-state solution of the Palestinian-Israeli conflict?

Seventy-plus years of conflict have played havoc with hopes for justice. Today, one-staters are actively seeking to impose an unthinkable solution on the region and the world—one state, propped up by structural inequalities, with Palestinians as second-class subjects; one state, turning its back on its neighbourhood, perpetuating divisions among peoples and faiths worldwide.

Five years ago, I stood in this Chamber and spoke of the dangers of failing to move forward with peace. And today, I must say frankly that the dangers have grown—violence continues; settlement-building continues; disregard for international law continues.

I have said it countless times, and in countless ways, but I will say it again and again. A more peaceful world is not possible without a stable Middle East. And a stable Middle East is not possible without peace between the Palestinians and the Israelis.

What if Jerusalem, a city that is close to my heart personally and of great historic significance to my family, remains disputed? Can we afford to rob Christians and Muslims alike of the spirituality, peace, and coexistence that this city symbolises, and instead allow it to descend into political conflict?

Now, fast forward to the most recent standoff between the United States and Iran. What if, next time, neither side steps away from the brink, dragging us all towards untold chaos? An all-out war jeopardises the stability of the entire region. What's more, it risks massive disruptions of the entire global economy, including markets, but threatens a resurgence of terrorism across the world.

And I ask you another "what-if"; what if Iraq fails to realise the potential and aspirations of its people and slips back into an erratic, seventeen-year cycle of recovery and relapse, or worse yet, conflict?

Iraq is home to 12 per cent of the world’s proven oil reserves. But, more importantly, it is home to over 40 million people, who have suffered through four decades of war, crippling sanctions, occupation, sectarian conflict, and the terror of ISIS. Today, their future rests on a fragile peace. And I, for one, will not abandon our brothers and sisters there.

Now, what if Syria remains hostage to global rivalries and spirals back into civil conflict? What if we see a re-emergence of ISIS, and Syria becomes a staging ground for attacks against the rest of the world?

Syria may be out of the headlines, with its suffering out of sight and out of mind, but the crisis is far from over. Over the past nine months, more than half a million people have been displaced, many of them already refugees.

Do any of us, in this hall, want to see another Syrian refugee crisis unfold, with all its horror and heartbreak? Or another innocent child washed up on your shores?

I know I speak for everyone when I say, absolutely not.

And let me ask you, what if Libya collapses into an all-out war, and ultimately, a failed state? What if Libya is the new Syria, just much closer to the continent you all call home?

And let me say again, what if Arab governments fail to create the more than 60-million jobs our youth will need in the coming decade? And if we fail, wouldn't we in fact be creating a perfect setting for extremist groups? We make their job of recruitment easier if we leave behind a trail of vulnerability and hopelessness.

Can we afford to let the region’s young people live without hope?

My friends,

Let this reflection upon “what-if” scenarios be a productive exercise, one that can pre-empt countless tragedies and safeguard our people along their journey.

My faith in God reinforces my optimism and my belief in the strength and resilience of humanity. There is always a better and much more united version of us around every corner.

The Holy Quran teaches us that “Those who endure [in patience] and put their trust in their Lord” will enjoy the greatest rewards.

Patience is hard in a world that never seems to slow down, where people make split-second decisions and expect instantaneous results.

Leadership, however, demands the very opposite—reflection, wisdom, and the long view. More than ever, we need patient politics. Because we all have a responsibility to safeguard our people’s long-term interests and welfare; to react to rapidly unfolding events with measured responses, not knee-jerk reactions; because politics is not a game where the fastest win. Sometimes, the faster we go, the farther away we end up from the finish line.

My father, the late King Hussein, taught me that peace making is always the harder but the higher path. And a tough road is best walked with our friends, friends like you and the people of Europe, so that together, we can reach the future that both our peoples aspire for, and that they and our whole world deserve.

Thank you very much.”

[distractedfanatic]

Grey’s Talk + Real Talk

This delves into mental illness and it also discusses spoilers for Grey’s Anatomy 15x16. 

Under cut for sensitivity and spoilers. This is also stupid (STUPID) long and I’m sorry but I needed to say it. Hopefully it finds the people who need to read it. 💗

[but seriously, it’s long]

Deluca’s Dad storyline was harder for me than I expected. And not for the reasons I thought. It was hard because I expected to be more conflicted and I felt guilty for how passionately sure I was about my reactions. I also feel that my strong (negative) opinions merit some explanation. Specifically, because my issue is not with his mental illness, but with the behaviour even (and especially) from the lens of mental illness. My possibly controversial stance is that mental illness is not an excuse. It’s a reason or perhaps an explanation, but it is not an excuse for treating people badly, for alienating people or for neglecting self-work and certainly not for abusive behaviour to people trying to help and support (and I know sometimes this is impossible. I get that.) But I do think Andrew’s Dad was manipulating him and it broke my heart to see Carina’s pain in this episode - give that woman a hug!

[Digression into some context building on my opinion....]

Mental illness is close to my life. It’s a personal struggle and journey for me and it is an active, constant, often painful commitment to remaining accountable for my actions and my relationships. It’s not easy, and it’s really not fair, BUT it’s my truth and I believe in the power of leading by example. So I don’t say it lightly that I believe mental illness is not an excuse and I believe I must out myself in order to take that stance. I cannot always control what I think or feel or even how I act. But I can control how I react to it after, how I approach damage control, how much accountability I take and how much power I give mental illness in exchange for wiping my hands of its destruction. 

My easy days are what some would consider their hardest. It’s all on a spectrum. My reality allows me to see both sides clearer because I have such a stark comparison between good and bad, up and down. I refuse to give mental illness credit for the absolute beauty and gratitude I have for my life and my good days, so why would I blame it fully for my bad days. Giving an illness I did not ask for and cannot control, the power of saying it makes me who I am or it dictates my quality of connections is not worth it to me to be able to surrender to it and hide behind it and I owe it to myself and everyone else to embrace it and understand it so it does not control me. I do name it. I do speak it - but how that looks for me is not rooted in shame or manipulation, it comes from a place of honesty. Of “I’m not okay today and I can’t have this conversation”. Of “I wasn’t myself and I’m doing the very best I can”. I feel the responsibility I carry as a result of mental illness and I have deep respect for anyone who is doing their best - whatever that looks like. And I draw the line at painting myself a victim - it is a disservice to the honest to god work it takes to be a human with a mental illness in a world still not built for us. And these stories on Grey’s about parents with mental illness are tough for me because I recognize that I’m in the drivers seat and should I decide to raise kids I will need to hold myself even more accountable because the cards I’ve been dealt cannot be any child’s burden. But I also appreciate this is a deeply personal topic and I respect that other people may disagree - that is their right. This is simply my own truth.

[Back to Grey’s….]

When mental illness is depicted on TV that’s always risky. (Shout out to You’re the Worst and A Million Little Things for getting a lot of stuff right and being self-aware). My personal experience is also why I have SUCH a soft spot for Helen (or at least, the season 15 version of her). I’m so proud of her, if that makes sense. I’m happy for Alex to have this time with her as her best self, and I’m proud of her. I loved how in 15x15 they played with the audience and Alex’s perception of what mental illness looks like and what stability looks like.

It is a struggle to accurately portray these topics because it’s a struggle to actually live them, or to watch loved ones live them. On TV and in life, it’s hard to balance a fear that you or your loved one isn’t okay, but also be open that they are not defined by their illness and that it can (hopefully) be managed (by meds, therapy, alternative options, or a combination). That they are a person that is bigger than any illness. And the cruelty is that “okay” and “not okay” can look so very similar.

So in Helen’s situation the bar was set low for Alex and he’s seeing that she is doing okay, so maybe he can stop looking at her as someone to take care of and focus on building a relationship. Andrew is doing the same, in theory - even if I think his motivations are influenced by other factors. But I do think Helen and Dr. Deluca will be foils to each other here. Both struggle with mental illness, both have sons deeply impacted as a result. But are the outcomes going to be different?

But also, has Helen primed us to expect that he will be opposite. If she is stable, do we automatically expect him not to be? We do have it on good authority (Carina) that he isn’t as okay as he seems. How much are they playing with our perceptions and misconceptions about mental illness? I don’t know that. I also don’t know Dr. Deluca enough to know what his personality is. He does come across as quite intense from the get go - but I don’t want to unfairly assume this is nearing manic territory, when it could just be who he is: a passionate, excited doctor and father who may be a bit tone deaf as to the impact he’s had on his family. My gut feeling is he is not okay. Carina tells us he is not okay. Everything. EVERYTHING about her in this episode exudes pain and exhaustion and proof of how not okay he really is and how she is shouldering that burden - more so with Andrew not open to seeing her side.

Now, regarding the conversation between Deluca and his Dad - that I personally feel fueled Andrew’s desire to take his Dad’s side… As it was happening I wasn’t convinced he would go down that rabbit hole. So I’m kind of disappointed that’s what seems to have happened. But there was a very key connection that tells me this was intentional - and if that’s the case, it is a larger theme that needs to be explored between him and Mer.

In 15x12 when he’s getting frustrated with her hot and cold he says (I’m paraphrasing my ass off here) [“I thought you were so BEYOND me. But you’re not. You’re like a child”] -- say what you will about the validity or appropriateness of those comments. But he was tuning into a real feeling he was having and naming that he had felt undeserving of her, at least in part. He was giving us a window into an insecurity he may not even be fully aware of.

SO. To see his Dad echo that to the letter was very interesting: 

VD - “I see you... but this woman of yours, she is beyond you.”

AD - “Wow... Thank you”

VD - “Andrea, even I have heard of Meredith Grey, all the way back home. She’s more than a beauty, she is brilliant.

AD - “Yeah, I’m aware”

VD - “So... then... we change the word together! We save the babies!”

If I’m correct in how intentional this was, then I 100% believe Deluca got hijacked by this nagging insecurity and is going full speed ahead, not only because he wants to give his Dad a chance or believes he is truly stable enough for this project (which may be true for all we know). But an additional, and perhaps more powerful motivator for Andrew is that if he can be part of medical history then he can meet Mer on the pedestal he has put her on - subconsciously or not.

My disclaimer to all this is that I do believe he is confident, and I’m aware he went after her first. But you can be confident and sure of an attraction and still insecure. You can be open to love and still be intimidated. He can feel all the things. I think the trouble will be if he is unaware that he is feeling them and therefore does not deal with them. And finally, if this is an issue that surfaces, and it’s not addressed, it could breed resentment and frustration on both ends - I do not want Mer taking this on as her own because she is not lording her power over him and in fact, she was concerned about that dynamic because she understands how hard it can be. My hope is that she recognizes it and can reassure him and he will find some solid footing in their relationship and with his Dad. If I didn’t love them so hard and love him so hard I’d probably enjoy seeing him all innocent and vulnerable, but I’m just scared he’s opening himself up to be heartbroken by his Dad. And I’m not sure I can handle that. haha. Finger crossed no matter what happens with the Deluca famjam, it only serves to bring Merluca closer. 🤞💗

I’m fascinated by where they could take all this. I’m cautiously optimistic that even if it goes sideways, they can still offer some valuable commentary on mental illness and the stigma around it.

I’m so excited to see the reactions from the rest of the fandom!

Sorry this got so real (and SO long). I just couldn’t talk about this episode without going into what is informing my thoughts. Talking about mental illness and mental health matters, and if my openness resonates with just one person, that’s enough. Everyone has light inside and it’s okay not to be okay. And for everyone else fighting this monster, and doing the very best to be your very best: I see you. You are not alone. 💗