#where daddy issues aren't really a natural fit

[coldgoldlazarus]

Hollywood's borderline psychosexual obsession with absentee dads is really something else

[thalfbloodloser]

You bring insanity to a boringly sane fandom. I would like to hear your latest thought on ivorycest... Whatever nugget you may be nursing. If that is alright

✦ aw, thank you! you're so sweet 🐌🧡 it's very much alright - no one in here ever sends me fun stuff anymore. your ask was a breath of fresh air, anon! truth be told, i haven't been thinking about ivorycest all that much, but get ready for a HUGE text-block jumpscare because you just gave me the perfect excuse to write about them ➜

✦ sometimes it pains me to see so many folks avoiding ivorycest like the plague, because, like ranfren itself, it's so unapologetically insane that you can't really hate it. even if you try. if you have a dash of sense of humor, you'll see it's hilariously canon compliant!

i've seen lots of people argue that "anything romantic/sexual between randal and luther would be inherently out of character", which i'll admit is a reasonable concern, but it's just not true. the issue is characterization: people keep projecting human-based tropes and behavior on cryptids, and that's where the knee-jerk "eugh" reaction comes from. because yeah, randal and luther aren't going to declare their Forbidden Love for each other and then passionately kiss under the moonlit sky, nor are they going to feel guilty about their attraction and part ways with a tearful "we can't! this is wrong!". it would be completely unnatural behavior for them. all that? made for humans. and pretty basic humans, at that. for ivorycest to work, both in and out of canon, you gotta fully embrace the weirdness, see beyond humanity and forget all old expectations you might've gotten from any other couple of siblings!

from my point of view, it doesn't even feel like it fits with the rest of the "-cest"s. and not because of the possibility that randal and luther aren't even biologically related (i seriously doubt they're even from the same species) - we all know that adoptive siblings aren't any less siblings just because they don't share DNA. plus, pseudo-incest is still a thing - but because they're so, so far from human nature and from other brother/brother ships that it's almost laughable, and sometimes genuinely puzzling, to apply ANY human labels to them at all. for example, would you call luther a cannibal because he eats people? no. because it'd be like calling a human cannibal for eating cows, and that makes no sense. words mean things.

to us, at least.

coincidentally, that's half of my point.

the ivorys adress each other as "brother", sure, but you cannot look me in the eyes and tell me that they fully understand what that means or that they care about it enough to follow the moral/ethical guidelines attached to such terms. you simply cannot. most times it feels less like they see each other as family and more like they're just...roleplaying.

but if you decide to call someone "daddy", just when does that make them your father?

randal, who could (but perhaps shouldn't) be considered the most resourceful of the two, uses "brother" as both title and honorific - like one uses "sir" or "ma'am" - but doesn't seem to be overtly attached to the familial aspect of it. again, he's not a human, and, as far as we know, our siblinghood doesn't come naturally to him - much like pain, guilt, conscience and a whole load of bodily functions that he also seems to lack. luther, on the other same hand, understands the caretaking implications of being the "older brother", but that's pretty much where his brotherly-ness begins and ends. if anything, he's incorrectly using the sibling label while playing parent; just without any trauma and/or responsibility attached to it. there's also the fact that he's the most powerful entity in the household and randal - no matter how many pianos he "possesses" or how many times he shoves himself in the space between the wall and the fridge - cannot possibly overpower him, also adds to this parent/kid dynamic; hence granting luther the (almost-meaningless) title of "master" and the authority over their dysfunctional home. that still doesn't mean randal perceives him as anything but a housemate, or playdate, for he doesn't really seem to keep up the role of mischievous little brother unless he's bored (often, not always).

so they use the word, but it lacks permanent meaning. in that sense, classic incest tropes - no matter if brocon or dadson flavored - don't really work. there's power imbalance, sure, but the familial bonds needed to reinforce that imbalance simply do not exist. randal is babied because he likes to be. he likes being taken care of and likes having rules to break. it's a character he plays. luther "takes care" of him because he himself likes doing it. he likes being a parent and likes having a reason to lecture & discipline. it's a character he plays. they don't actually need this dynamic to thrive, and it wasn't imposed on them by parents/caretakers or any set of misfortunes that we know of. they just deliberately chose to partake on it.

consequently, i don't think they feel what humans perceive as familial love (healthy or unhealthy) for each other. they're simply two powerful entities - whom we can assume have been at least friends for a long time - playing make-believe. creatures who have little to no regard for humanity as a species, and are only interested in their own antics. of course they do eventually commend certain humans for their achievements, and seem to find all sorts of comfort in our art/creations/traditions, but outside of that? they see humans as fragile beings as intelectually insignificant to them as most animals are to us. randal forcibly keeps one as a pet. not far from "master" luther, who keeps two.

again, the ivorys are clearly intelligent, specially regarding their own survival. they're not behind being purposefully dense when it comes to anything human that is even slightly inconvenient to them (huh? eating the delivery man's arm when we order pizza is bad? haha, i would never have guessed!). they have the means and understanding necessary to behave (and perhaps look) 100% human, they just...choose not to. they can bend reality itself to their whims, turn themselves and others into inconceivable creatures, all while feigning absolute normalcy at the chaotic world around them (werewoofs, carpet cats with human faces, alive walls and furniture...), and you think they'd draw the line at willingly distorting something as frivolous as family hierarchy?

tch. please.

with that said, by the rules of their own game, if they were to partake in any...non-platonic activities, it would only be considered incestuous because they decided it would be - by creating the dynamic and environment in the first place. and they would simply not fucking care if it is upsetting, distasteful or imoral by human standards. and that's the ship's whole flavor - that's why i love it so much! precisely because there's no such thing as the "oh, no! i accidentally fell in love with my sibling! woe is me!" (which i also love) with the ivorys. there's also not a "normal" way to ship them, even if you're adamant about them not being related or not seeing each other as family, because they're two fucking weirdos.

their whole relationship is so tastefully bonkers that i genuinely wouldn't be fazed if they spawned another creature to be their "littlest" sibling. honestly, who could stop them? and who's to say that, in their cryptic way, they're not a married couple? or buddies into weird roleplay? ultimately, it is undeniable that they - in at least one sense of the word - love each other enough to enable each other; and to indulge on each other's silly/straight-up-criminal fantasies.

to me, there's no (human) romance, nor seduction, involved. randal knows he'll get nothing by jumping on his brother's lap and performing the most disgustingly horny hentai rip-off scenario ever. much like he'll get nothing in exchange for sweet words, flowers and chocolate. it's part of the game. he knows he'll receive only a "<3" (♥︎) - which him and luther seem to be able to pronounce out loud - or a hummed, blank-faced lecture about needing either a nap or to drink more water. if luther is having a bad day, he might even receive some sort of punishment. and those are the reactions randal wants, the normalcy (if you can call it that) he counts on. if he wanted a different response, something genuinely human, he'd have forcibly gauged it off sebastian, nyon or even nyen. likewise, luther knows better than to come too close or to grab randal by the waist, lest he get bitten or not-so-playfully snipped with scissors.

but there's intimacy. so much intimacy. on waking up to the other's figure looming over them, on physically crawling under each other's skin, on wrapping hands and claws around each other's organs and muscles and bones, on faux eyes staring into faux eyes, on a eerie smile pressed against unmoving lips, on the suspension of disbelief, on the lingering smell of copper, on the flashing lights and sappy endearments and and-

and, i suppose, on the sex too. i don't think i can picture them having human sex - really, who am i to guess what these creatures are packing in their pants? for all we know, they might as well be ken-doll smooth down there - but if they were to ever consummate their relationship sexually, i feel like it would probably be as uncomfortable, off-putting, disturbing and offensive to the eyes as everything else they do. genuinely revolting from any possible point of view - unless you're a true monsterfucker. a ritual so gross that, for us, it resembles nothing but a cacophony of unthinkable horrors molding together wetly, but that, to them, feels nothing but heavenly from beginning to end. as close to divinity as such wretched demons/creatures are ever going to get.

anyways. enough, my apologies-

the conclusion is that...me shipping these two isn't even about wishing they'd get together, because, in their fucked up way, they already are. it isn't about spiting other fans either. it's about having fun coming up with increasingly nonsensical scenarios hoping to come close to their freak ✦

[calypsolemon]

if i did have one Actual Criticism of ToH (I actually have a few I just am trying to avoid sounding negative about the show bc overall I very much enjoyed it and think its good) it would be that I do think the reasoning Papa Titan gives Luz for why Belos's actions and her own do not come from the same place is... a little off the mark.

Mainly because I think there's not too many ways in which you could say Belos's choices aren't genuine to him. Oh, the reasoning he gives other people of course are a bunch of lies and bullshit, and he even lies to himself, but the root cause of his delusions lies in the puritanistic upbringing he was exposed to from a young age. An upbringing which very much convinces people that control and subjugation of others are necessary to protect their mortal souls from the damnation of hell.

For this reason, "genuine-ness" reads a bit too much of a handwavy abstraction of Luz's actual concern to me. Belos's existence has made her painfully aware that it is really easy to rationalize massively harmful actions to yourself if you believe it is in service of protecting someone else. This doesn't mean that Luz actually has hurt anyone, or that she needed to be as harshly punishing of herself as she was (in fact I would say her desire for self-punishment is a reflection of Belos's puritan values weighing on her), but rather that I think it doesn't really solve her conundrum to simply tell her "well, Belos is kind of a big fat liar who is trying to control people, but don't worry, you're Not That."

What I really wish he had said, and what I do think the series implies in other ways but maybe could have been served to have said openly in that moment, is that Luz is not the same because she is capable of self reflection. In all the times Luz has ever lied to someone, or attempted to change someone or something else to fit her idea of them (think attempting to cure Eda, playing along with King about him being the king of demons, Witches before Wizards, etc) she has ultimately realized it was wrong, and allowed herself to embrace the way things naturally are. In fact, she more often feels like she should be trying to change herself in response to ppl expecting her to fit into social norms. When her environment feels too stifling for her, she finds a different one. She doesn't attempt to fit everything around her into a mold that perfectly suits her, nor does she attempt to destroy everything which doesn't agree with her.

Luz stresses over being just like Belos because she has been raised to, if anything, be too self reflective, and feel like an awful person for not being able to conform to norms that don't naturally fit her. What she needs to be told is that it's admirable, that she tries so hard, and it's a good thing that she is able to see where she maybe needs to change herself at times, but she needs to allow herself the same grace she gives others. She needs to be told that nothing good comes from keeping yourself from happiness. That wanting acceptance and love from others is not the same as attempting to control them.

Buuuut I know they only had like 3 minutes to convey what's going on so I get why they phrased it the way they did. What Luz really needed was a 7 hour long therapy session with daddy titan which. I'm not even sure would have been entirely on point bc the Titan himself probably has some issues he needs to work through. But that's another post

[marshmellowtea]

back on my killing eve inspired au bullshit lmao tw for abuse and talks of cult stuff but like

(putting this under a cut cuz it got long y'all know the drill)

back in another fandom, there was an assassin character i was really attached to, and i remember at one point i made an au for him where the reason he was an assassin was because he was a part of this cult that twisted his brain to normalize him killing for them. this.....was not canon based at all lmao this was purely an au made for Angst Reasons, but as a part of it being excessively angsty he constantly referred to the cult leader as his "owner" rather than as just his leader or handler or something

and tying this back to the killing eve au, i'm thinking about will and lila kinda having a similar relationship of "ownership" toward the lawrence fraternity, especially with father lawrence himself. obviously it has to be tweaked a little to fit the new circumstances and characters, but i think it fits in with an idea i had that for a long time, will (and by extension, lila) were solely considered tools by the fraternity for killing, if not other things as well, and thus ended up severely internalizing that idea. it also adds another dimension where they both sometimes have to struggle to see yu as more than just someone who owns them (because he doesn't, he just guides them and takes care of them), though by the time the story starts they've already mostly gotten past actively calling him their owner in favor of just his name or alternative, more friendly/familial titles like papa or daddy when they're regressed idk just a thought don't look at me gklajdsf.

and of course, like.....the way will and lila cope with being considered "owned" by someone would be different, y'know? lila would be more snarky and rebellious toward the fraternity despite knowing she could get punished for it, and depending on whether or not i go with the fraternity (or most of the fraternity at least) dying before the au starts, she'd also be quick to want revenge on them for trapping her and will there for so long. meanwhile will is more naturally submissive and honestly would probably have been manipulated by them longer before lila even shows up/presents herself in whatever form she takes (i'm leaning more and more toward her being a supernatural spirit in this au tbh), so he tries to keep his head down and obediently follow their orders so he doesn't get hurt.

it's a HUGE adjustment when they eventually get away from the cult--even with yu there trying to help them deal with their newfound independence, will is kind of lost without them controlling him, and for a long time he has no idea what he's supposed to do without them there telling him what to do all the time. even lila tends to struggle to keep it together without someone there to give her orders despite of, or hell, even because of her rebellious streak; they've just spent so many years with the fraternity before they were freed, and the control they had over them was so all-encompassing.

becuase of this, despite yu having their best interests at heart, lila still finds herself disobeying him, ignoring his advice, and behaving recklessly against his wishes. it's not because she dislikes him (in fact, she actually does like him in this au and sees him as her and will's father figure, though good luck getting her to admit that lmao) but because that's the only form of control over her own life she's known for so long. that's part of the reason also why she eggs tanya on when tanya starts trying to track her down--she knows it's something yu wouldn't want her to do, and he even tells her that much, but it's new and exciting and possibly dangerous and she's always associated that with freedom.

of course, this all gets a bit more complicated when you factor in will and lila's pre-cult trauma with their (respective?) mothers, but those aren't headcanons i've fully fleshed out yet. there's definitely mommy issues in here though, don't you worry, i haven't forgotten about them ahgadksdjfkl. that's a post for another day, though, once i get my thoughts on that in order.

.....also, side note, i really need another name for this au, given that it's getting less and less like the show that initially inspired it by the second, huh? ^^; that's something i'll have to think about eventually though, especially if i keep talking about it like this, oops

[theloveinc]

hi babby!!! this game is so adorable and i feel so mushy about it 😭 tysm for allowing me to participate

I don’t have a gender preference at all and my luv my darling my angel natsuo would be the daddy if possible.

I’m a very openly loving person but struggle with not feeling like I’m showing it in the right way. Not temperamental, quite easy to get along with BUT I can become withdrawn if I feel misunderstood or under-appreciated.

I’ve always felt like with both of us being water signs, natsu and I would be able to reach resolutions on most issues because our ways of dealing with conflict are the same. We are able to discuss it emotionally and openly.

I’m rambling I’m sorry lmao

Hi + DON'T apologize for rambling, i honestly would've loved to hear more!! thank yew actually for wanting to participate... natsuo is such an interesting choice, so i'm really berry excited for this n hope i do you both justice🥰

create-a-kids: closed!

-

Honestly, I'm laughing thinking about this because I feel like you and Natsuo would have one of those elderly-like kids who's super mature even when they're really small. Very emotionally aware and verbal with their needs (starts talking super early + eloquently), even if the kind of stuff they express is all really normal, like when they do or don't like something, + when things are bothering them.

("mom, get this spider away from me now😟" asdjlkfajsd what kind of kid asks like that, you know?)

I also wanna say they have a bit of anxiety in them, too. Not anything that severe, of course, because their life is GOOD... but I see them as being a bit of a goody-goody in how they picked up Natsuo's good + hardworking nature and your worries about expressing affection. They always just want things to go smoothly, so if/when they don't... they get a bit nervous and confused trying to sort things out.

They're just definitely a natural problem solver (serious in a sweet way) who always wants to help people, like you + Natsuo w/ the chores, and their friends when they argue🥺

BUT... this levelheadedness also means they're very conflict adverse, and even more so given that they've never actually seen you and Natsuo... fight. Sure, little things may come up, but since you handle it all in very healthy ways... baby is always super frustrated when other people can't do the same. Just like you, they would much rather talk out a fight than have a screaming match... though this often leads to running away from situations they can't solve or where they aren't listened to.

It's somewhat funny because they're like this even when they're little... so there's a lot of instances where they come up to you all mad because another little kid started crying instead of using their words. Your healthy water sign communication has spoiled them, oh dear </333 (just kidding, hehe). But you still gotta comfort them.

(Also, I imagine at some point you + Natsuo sit them down and are like... "you know, it's okay to cry... right? Have tantrums? Express yourself? You're a kid!" and they're just like "?" because they're so good already LOL.)

Anyway, thinking this out, I was imagining a girl... but I'd also say this would fit really well for any boy you had, too. Either way, they'd definitely be a well-behaved, hand-gripper who'd need so much reassurance whenever they saw someone being Ridiculous (staring at you like this ಠ_ಠ)... but also extremely good natured and loyal. Not scared of sticking up for a friend or what's right❤️

Looks like Natsuo too, probably.

[katsukikitten]

2!

Lol here have this I have no idea what I'm doing with this. Hope yall can't tell.

You clenched your teeth, watching as the Avatar waltz through to the sitting room on his own accord. No servant attendant as he stared Zuko down.  

The Avatar looked...different from what you remembered or what had been described to you.  He had filled out some, broad muscles swept in golden colors with a heavily beaded wooden necklace with the air symbol carved into it. As if the world needed a reminder that he was the last air bender. You fight to roll your eyes as the roam over his bald head, blue tattoo vibrant in the cast of the afternoon son while his beard was as dark as rich upturned Earth. 

"So what do I owe the pleasure of having the honored Avatar as my guest?" Zuko's voice comes out gruff, golden eyes narrowed onto the bald man. 

The Avatar returns the glare, his brown eyes reminding you of frozen Earth in the darkest winter. 

The tension between the two is tangiable enough that you can taste it.  The fresh breeze being summoned and the wood starting to char beneath Zuko's feet. The Firelord begins to shift his weight for an offensive attack putting you on edge. 

The Avatar mirrors the action and both set off a powerful blast of Fire and Air. Just as you're about to move to counter attack the two men burst into a fit of laughter. 

"It's been too long, Zuko!" They step into a tight hug separating in time for tea.

"Way too long Aang." Zuko sits on one of the many cushions that lie around the room, broad hand gesturing for the Avatar to follow suit. The young servant sets the tea on the low table between them, Zuko observes the set up with a harsh glare. 

"Why are there only three cups?" A tone above a bite causing your stomach to twist. Your teeth sink into your tongue to keep your temper in check, agitated that the man never seems satisfied.

"Uh, your Highness forgive me. I am still new and I assumed you'd serve yourself and your two guests." Her voice trembles as she presses her forehead to the ground, hard enough you were sure the wooden grains would dimple her forehead. On the verge of snapping you step towards the tea more than ready to douse his arrogant flames. Nostrils flaring as you watch him berate her but then your heart catches in your chest when you hear him speak. 

"Daiyu..." His voice is soft as he touches her forearm, "You must always remember your own cup, tea was made to be enjoyed in company." 

The girl looks up, bewildered. 

"Y...your fierceness I…" She clutches at the green silk ribbon that adorns her wrist. Crackling and smoothing the fabric as she tries to refute without really refusing. It's obvious she's a fresh servant from the Earth kingdom. You had noticed that majority of Zuko's helping hands were a modge podge of former refugees from all across the lands. 

"It is fine. You may have my cup." He pours her tea first, earning a blush as he presents it to her. 

And with a smile no less. 

Your heart summersolts in your chest, thumping with questions and anger, all unnoticed to the small party. 

It is true you had observed the Firelord over the last six months, most of it arguments and fights between the two of you.  You thought you had him pegged as a bitter Prince with daddy issues and an absentee mother. 

But you were starting to question if you had observed closely enough. When she does not take the tea his molten eyes flash an emotion you've never see before. 

"You may take it with you back to the kitchen if you think it is against etiquette." He leaves the nature of their relationship unspoken and finally she bows deeply before reaching for the tea. 

"Thank you Firelord Zuko." She bows again with tea in hand before exiting the room, softly shutting the sliding door behind her. 

Aang chuckles as deft hands pour the other two cups. The Avatar holds onto his tea with a smile, looking after where the young woman stood.  

"They still aren't used to a kind Firelord are they?" He takes a small sip as Zuko offers you your tea. You glare at the light green liquid, staring down your own reflection before he half growls in frustration. 

"At least sit." He gestures to a pillow beside him to which you plop down on ungracefully after a moment or two. Brown eyes watch you with undying curiosity while golden ones bore holes into your skin. 

"I want them to feel more like employees than servants." He address Aang's previous question, "How is Katara?" 

A dip in his tone that has your brows furrowed as Aang's voice carries throughout the room. 

"Happy and busy as ever especially with two kids." He smiles hard enough he is forced to close his eyes, "And you and Mai?" 

A small silence before Zuko chooses to speak the truth. 

"We...have chosen separate paths." 

"Ah I'm…." A heated hand stops the avatar from speaking. It is clear that Zuko does not want his old friend's pity but it is left unspoken. Instead he shifts their focus back on Aang. 

"What of Sokka and Suki? And my best friend Toph?" The scowl is quickly replaced with a gentle smile that spreads across his lips, leaving you bewildered. You had figured he was all angst and rigid but you figured even coins had two sides. 

"They are well. We should camp. For old times sake."

"Maybe I'll chase you around for an hour or two." They share another hearty laugh before a flip is switched and Zuko returns to all of adjectives you're familiar with. 

Stern.

Serious.

Calculating. 

Not...not smiles

And surely not kindness. 

A grin washes over your features as you realize his softness can last only so long, you bring the green tea to your lips. Refreshing satisfaction washes over your tongue.

"What really brings you here Aang?" His stature no longer vulnerable, his spine straight and those broad shoulders snapped back. Aang sighs, having wanted more of his friend than his ally today. 

"It is your sister. Azula." The tea cup in your hand threatens to snap from that name alone. Rage seeps into every fiber of your being, into your bones as you grit your teeth to keep from speaking. 

You needed to hear what was next. 

"She's finally been spotted." Steam escapes Zuko's nose for a long moment. When he opens his eyes again it is as if the brewing storm calmed. Head level and clear as he speaks. 

"It's time she came home." 

But you see the fresh steam billowing from the spout of the tea pot. A defiant smile forms on your lips as you watch the hairline crack in the ceramic form before your eyes. 

It's time you tested how well he could keep his temper under control with a guest. 

"Bring her home?" You ask, golden eyes snap to you. Your infernal voice one of the few things left on his Earth that got under his skin. 

"Surly you don't mean here." You set your tea down, heat radiates from his toned body all the way through his thick robes dancing along your exposed skin.  A shiver runs down your spine from the hint of a fight. 

"I think you mean a rehabilitation center. If you missed being called Zuzu so much. I would be more than happy to oblige." A purr leaves your plump lips as his eyebrow tics in tandem with his sharp jawline. 

Aang is left to watch the scene unfold with inquisitive eyes, not yet having the pleasure of meeting your acquaintance. 

"Uh Zuko who is this exactly?" You glare at the Avatar as the Firelord's heat slowly dies down.  

"My name is too difficult for your tongue. I hail from a much different land." You roll your eyes as you sink into the silky pillow. Another glare sent your way as his eyes seem to scream murder. 

"My uncle called her Lost Dragon. She answers to that or Jasmine. He tried to name her after his favorite tea." Amber pools soften at the the thought until he remembers who it's about, "Mostly I say you." 

"In that irritated tone too?" Aang chuckles and Zuko nods. 

"Well I must confess. This is very much…..you." He looks you over before holding eye contact with Zuko, "You may have found your FireLady." 

You snap up from your lying position ready to throw daggers his way but the tea pot explodes instead. Aang guides the boiling tea into his empty cup laughing as he's clearly struck a nerve. 

"I would never." His voice dips so low and so dark it almost stops Aang from relishing in his now rare moment of igniting Zuko's ire. 

The tone does not sit well with you causing you to send an icy glare his way.

"Whatever you say hotman." Fire erupts from Zuko's shoulders. 

"Don't call me that!" An infectious laugh rings out before Aang retorts. 

"Whatever you say hotman." He covers his mouth before he takes another sip of tea, "In all seriousness those sightings of your sister are rumors for now. But I wanted to tell you in person first." 

Aang sets down his cup and stands, looking Zuko in his eyes. He offers a smile that the firelord returns.

"Another day?" Aang asks. 

"Hopefully sooner rather than later. And for pleasure instead for business." 

They bow to one another fist in hand before the Avatar slips out of the door. 

Zuko turns to you stepping almost too quickly as he breathes life into a powerful blast that you dismiss with your own fire. 

You both stare one another down for countless minutes before Daiyu slides open the door  The hairs on the nape of her neck stand straight up as she feels the exuding power seeping from the two bodies in the room. She is not quick enough to slide it back shut like she wishes. Neither breaks eye contact even as she struggles to get her message out. 

"F..Firelord Zuko, your bath is ready." Another moment passes before he sighs heavily. Steam filling the room until neither can see the other. 

"Thank you Daiyu. I shall retire for now." A threat lingers in his voice as you hear him exit the room. 

You grit your teeth as your body carries you back out to the large tree in the garden where you've been sleeping. Refusing to sleep in the house of your enemy. You slam your knife into the bark of the tree above your head before you adjust your weight in the branch. Wondering why in the hell the man you respected so much, the man who understood the pain you went through, who apologized for his actions, sent you to watch over some arrogant over grown brat. 

 

"Destiny is a funny thing."  His voice echos in your head as you drift to sleep dreaming of the deep golden color of oolong tea.

[rickssoberjourney]

I Have the Capacity to be Just Like the Tasmanian Devil

A whirling mass of anger, wreaking havoc on the people around me. Sometimes, I feel just like that!

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this lately. I truly feel that my Higher Powert is leading me into this conversation with myself. By exposing my character defects, my HP is compelling me to examine my part in feeling unwanted.

I remember standing on the playground in 5th grade. I was looking at the girls playing foursquare and the boys playing softball. My thought? "I don't belong...I don't fit in. I felt like I was on the outside looking in."

That feeling follows me into the AA/CMA rooms. Even though many people do greet me when I walk in, there are those who (for some reasons of their own...I can't presume to know what is going on in their lives!) choose to ignore me. Sometimes, it is a person with whom I have talked, exchanged texts with, or am Facebook friends. When those people ignore me, I go right into Tazmainian Devil mode.

Now, I don't do it outright. That wouldn't do. No, I do it quietly...to myself. I wish I could say that I don't know where these feelings of not fitting in come from. I wish I could feign ignorance as to why I get so upset when people (especially in the rooms) don't greet me in the way that I think they should. I wish I could say those things, but I can't. I know exactly where it comes from...

My father.

At the risk of sounding like Southern California pop-psychology, I have "daddy issues." I'm an only child and I was raised to please my father. When I would do exactly what he wanted (being obedient, getting good grades, etc.), he would shower love and praise upon me. But, woe to me if I disappointed him! Once, I came home with a C on my report card and the didn't talk to me for a week. He would treat my mom the same way. So, I learned a powerful lesson that was reinforced day in and day out until the day I got married and moved out of his house. That was 24 years of "learning" that my happiness was dependent upon sources outside myself. If YOU like me and approvedof me, I feel great; if you don't like me, I'm shit.

Through my involvement with CoDA, I came to understand the dynamics of my daddy issues. Today, when I feel rejected because someone doesn't respond to me the way I want them to (in the rooms, in person at a bar or club, or even online), I immediately feel unlikeable and unworth. I wonder, "What's wrong with me? Why doesn't that person like me?" Then, as a defense, I resent that person.

Case in point. There is a handsome, muscular guy in one of my meetings. We exchanged phone numbers and texted a couple of times. Then, he sort of ignored me at meetings. If I started a conversation with him, seeking him out, he would talk to me but he never initiated contact with me.

One day, he walked across the room, greeted the guy sitting right next to me with a hug and conversation, and totally ignored me. His reasons? I have no idea. But, I jumped to the conclusion that he didn't like me and I started my downward spiral. This went on for meeting after meeting. And, what's worse, I began to feel that way about several other people in the room.

Nevermind the people who DID greet me! I was hurt and pissed that the people that I WANTED to greet me didn't. What a shithole of self-doubt and anger because they didn't give me what I wanted. I knew there was a problem, but I placed the blame mostly on them and not me, even though I knew the genesis of my feelings.

Last night, things came to a head. It's amazing how my HP will smack me in the head to get my attention. That is exactly what happened at the Speaker's Meeting last night.

A Facebook friend whom I had never met face to face was at the meeting. We greeted each other and then he said, "Do you know Greg D.?" I wasn't sure. "Well, he told me that you sent him a friend request and then blocked him a few days later when he didn't respond right away." I was embarrassed and tried to explain, but the meeting was starting and I had to go sit down. That was a long meeting!

My HP was working on me. I knew that I had done Greg wrong. I knew that by sending a "nasty" message and blocking him, I was being hypersensitive and that I was definitely in the wrong. Then, I sat there looking out over the large audience. Unconsciously thinking, "Oh, that person is not nice to me." "He knows me and has talked to me on several occasions and yet he walks right past me unless I say something. Well, fuck that! Why should I HAVE to be the one to reach out all the time?" That kind of thinking went on for a few minutes.

Then God-smacked...

Maybe it is not them. Maybe it's you! Maybe you behave that way to build walls so that no one can hurt you. Maybe you look for reasons to keep people out. Maybe you think, "I'll hurt them before they can hurt me!" All of those choices (although difficult to swallow!) were definite possibilities. I sat there realizing just how fucked up I really am.

Now, I've learned enough from my sponsor to question my thinking. I've learned to be gentle with myself and to not tell myself that I'm "fucked up!" But the thoughts came anyway. And, while I could have been gentler with myself, I had to face the fact that I was running headlong into who I really was.

None of this is THEIR problem; it's MY problem. Thank you HP for giving me that uncomfortable realization.

What do I do with this? At times, I simply don't know. I'm trying to concentrate on those kind people in the rooms that always greet me and ask how I'm doing. I try to get out of myself, making sure that I talk more about them than I do about me. But, there's still a rub.

Today, in the 8:30 meeting, I shared about what happend last night. I confessed that I didn't feel welcome in the rooms but that I realized that it was MY PROBLEM and I wasn't blaming them at all. I told them that by "coming clean" about my issues that maybe I could trust them enough to love me through it. I'm so glad I shared!

The next person to share was that guy that walked right past me, ignoring me in favor to greeting the man next to me. What he shared floored me.

"I do exactly what Rick does!" he said. He related a story about a burgeouning friendship with someone in the rooms. He talked about the interests that they shared...and then, how that guy simply stopped communicating with him.

Just like me, he started in on himself. "Why doesn't he like me anymore? What did I do? Must must be a pretty shitty person for someone to treat me like that!" My thinking pattern EXACTLY! Then, he shared something that his sponsor shared with him. It went something like this: "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen."

Bingo!

He and I have expectations of people and of how we want to be treated. Nevermind that they have lives and struggles of their own. "You need to make me feel good about myself but treating right, damn it! You aren't living up to MY expectations!"

Fuck...what a trap!

The only conclusion I can come to is that I need to take care of my side of the street. I need to be open to those who greet me warmly. I need greet others warmly. And, if they don't, rather than making it "all about me!" I can utter a silent prayer..."Peace be with you!" and move on with my life.

But what about situations where I want to make friend with someone. There is another young man that I have become friends with. He (so far!) has been very welcoming and open to conversation with me, both in the rooms and on Facebook. But, I find myself doing things that will engage him. I find myself playing "come and get me," saying and doing things on purpose that I know will elicit a response.

I do it all the time in almost every aspect of my life, wheher it is baking for people or blocking them on Facebook. In doing those things, I try to elicit a response...responses that will make me feel OK about myself. Doesn't always work, however. There are those expectations setting up resentments.

Ok. I get it!

My dilemma: how do I get to know this guy (and others in the rooms) without playing "come and get me" and without manipulating them to soothe my wounded ego? Is every overture to another person a veiled plea to validate me? How do I know? Do I keep to myself and only interract when someone approaces me? With this man, do I sit back at let him come to me instead of manipulating the situation? How do I navigate this without building walls, while at the same time being able to live with the very real possibility that my expecations might be wrong and that I might get my feelings hurt? I'm not sure I have the answers yet.

For now, sitting back and letting things happen naturally seems the course that I will take. I desperately want this guy to like me (not necessarily in a romantic way!) but I think that my need for approval from him just might drive him away. So, I sit back and wait on my HP. If I'm supposed to get to know him, I will. I don't have to orchestrate it. In fact, I need to get the hell outta the way and let my HP take care of things because when I take the helm, I'm sure to run aground!