#where are all the other young adults?
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So: 11 births a year paints a picture of a sizeable population of fertile adults on the Ninth. So why is the population in Harrow's time, about 18 years after massacre, all considered to be ancient and barren? Why is there apparently no one even close to Ortus in age, considering there were presumably people only a year older than him when it happened?
Menopause hits 95% of people between 45-55, even if we assume conditions on the Ninth favoured earlier menopause, that's still probably going to be around 45-50.
The WHO recommends a minimum of 24 months between giving birth and attempting to conceive again and considering the entire background of the Empire I'm inclined to believe they don't favour rapid-fire birthing (at least with XX carry).
So, 50% of people can get pregnant, birth interval of nearly 3 years, 11 babies born a year = 2*11*3 = presumably at least 66 adults between the ages of 20 and 45. And considering how necros have reduced fertility and again the Empire's views on reproductive choice I'd suggest it could easily be 3-4 times that, because it's hard to imagine everyone was having eight kids each. If we even just assume births were at replacement rate before the massacre, that suggests there were maybe 300 adults in the 18-45 bracket (11*(45-18)=297).
The Creche Massacre was ~18 years before the start of GtN, the younger adults of the time still wouldn't have hit menopause by the time of the first book. There must have been 20 year olds at the time who aren't even 40 yet so why is the Ninth still childless and populated only by the old?
Where are all the people just a year older than Ortus, who he was in the creche with all his life, who he must have know? The gap in the population doesn't seem to just be everyone who was under 18 at the time but also a wide margin above that too...
Some possibilities:
1 - Massive amounts of trauma from the loss of All The Children. Birth control is clearly a perfected art in the Houses and it's possible that a lot of parents couldn't face having another kid after that. Also presumably a number of young adults who lost siblings.
1a - I think of the Aberfan disaster and how survivors and their parents have talked about basically having to leave town because they couldn't handle the resentment from the other parents of the town. Was Ortus isolated purely because there was no one of his age or because his (engineered) escape left him surrounded by people who couldn't stand to even look at him?
2 - Mass flight of the young. The Ninth always had a healthy supply of supplicants from other houses, and I suspect that a number of them would have packed up and returned home after that. Too harrowing (pun unintended). Those who couldn't do that (e.g. Ninth native necros) may have been the last wave of cohort sign-ups from the Ninth.
3 - The books are narrated by teenagers. The populace might not be quite so aged as Gideon says, she's just an arsehole 18 year old and views 40 year olds as geriatric coffin dodgers.
4 - Some unintended necromantic side effect led to mass infertility in the populace. It's possible the necromantic shockwave that Harrow's parents harvested for this also affected the current unborn of the house and the fertility of the adults.
There's something else going on there and it doesn't add up. But I think the Reverend Mother and Father probably weren't expecting all births to halt, instead it would just be a blow to the populace that would recover with time.
ok so very cool that priamhark and pelleamena killed every single child in the ninth nursery in order to conceive a necromancer. except for gideon, who survived for Plot Reasons but like. they didn't know that would happen. and except for ortus, who was ostensibly kept alive to be harrow's cavalier. but like. did they not think even a SINGLE generation past that?? did they not realize that, by killing every child but two, at some point the only adults left on the ninth would (presumably) be harrow and ortus??? did they expect the reverend daughter to PROCREATE with ORTUS NIGENAD???? SHE'S A LESBIAN. WHAT WAS THEIR BACKUP PLAN
#tlt#gtn#seriously I have so many questions#where are all the other young adults?#where are all the post-Harrow babies?#what the fuck *happened* there?
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when ur platonic bro is just helping u stretch while u platonically yap about ur MAGNUM DO-- detective skills.
#it was just for some anatomy practice tbh cuz legs are weird to me but then I was like lol what if it's a shit little gif#day 3593845 of idk how to draw kon nicely#and cassie bart my dears my only concept of u is memes so far I still am so new and haven't gotten around to young justice BUT I WILL#art#digital art#sketch#fanart#timkon#young justice#tim drake#tim drake wayne#kon el#kon el kent#conner kent#superboy#red robin#anyway if u don't know - when u are a flexible person sometimes it rly does help to get a bestie to push u around a bit when warming up#it IS very homoerotic with the right friends and all business with other friends but I prefer the friends who can't be ffr about it#I think tim would ask everyone and kon is like me pick me pick me let me help u bro bro ur muscles are so tight bro aha#but what do I know I'm just a new fan whose only concept is gay people on the internet telling me how they feel about the DCU#and I am a very busy person who doesn't have time to read comics and watch shows at a leisurely pace :')#give me time everyone I am gonna get so locked in#as much as an adult with no free time can#animation#there was an alternate ending where tim's leg goes all the way stand-split but I was too afraid to attempt drawing that#robins need to be flexible so they can do their silly goober thing
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do people who have listened to taz balance but not graduation Know that it was HEAVILY IMPLIED that lup and barry eventually adopted a lil sorcerer child who got disowned by his family for his natural necromancy magic, and they taught him how to use his powers for good and were overall great parents that he looks back on fondly
(and said child grew up to be a dimension-hopping lich, caretaker of the dead, and very sweet adoptive father of a major npc)
#eliot posts#taz#the adventure zone#taz balance#taz graduation#lup taaco#barry bluejeans#blupjeans#like they never specifically say ''my parents are barry and lup'' so it's left up to interpretation but#he says he came from another world other than nua (nua is the name of the grad world like faerun is the balance world)#he says both his parents were highly skilled necromancers that ''travelled'' a lot because of their work#he says that inter-planar travel runs in the family#and he likes to bake#also travis apparently said on a livestrean that he got something carved by magnus for his daughter#it's a fun little easter egg for balance enjoyers but kept vague enough where it's like. you don't have to know about balance to enjoy it#anyway tho it's adorable cuz he talks about how much of a positive impact his parents made on him#and how he wanted to emulate them when raising his own daughter#and he's a good dad and his daughter loves him (also she is an absolute delight i love her#and like the only older adult to look at our college-aged protagonists and be like#''yeah it's messed up that you have to deal with all of this you're so young you're the same age as my child i will help however i can''#like balance easter egg aside gordy is one of my fav graduation npcs (behind his daughter rainer who is my fav)
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ok i’m doing a reread of my hero academia (and trying to redraw at least one pose per chapter), and i’m just thinking. are there any fics where all might gets de-aged (either physically, or mentally AND physically) temporarily to junior high age during the ten months he’s training izuku?
izuku, only a third of the way through the American Dream plan: all might? all might please tell me you remember me. i’m supposed to be training as your successor.
toshinori, looking age 14 and totally ignorant: you’re my what??
izuku: OH NO
toshinori: hahaha, just joking, young midoriya! :D i remember you perfectly. just as i unfortunately remember this quirkless body of mine--oops.
izuku: q-quirkless??? you were quirkless?!?
bonus points
Toshinori is resigned to asking Gran Torino to assume guardianship rights.
He asks Izuku how Aldera is, gets a vague answer, and then schemes to infiltrate Izuku’s very class. Very confidently, he announces he is Quirkless at the very first day. Results vary.
Gran Torino reviews the American Dream plan. He looks at Toshinori and Toshinori looks anywhere else. In the spirit of teamwork and Quirkless camaraderie, Gran Torino makes Toshinori follow an even harsher plan to match Izuku’s stress level.
izuku, seeing toshinori doubled over and retching: ??!?!?!?
gran torino: doesn’t that make you feel better?
izuku: NO
#bnha#midoriya izuku#deku#yagi toshinori#all might#gran torino#torino sorahiko#shih.txt#the problem is that i'd feel very tempted to write young toshinori#whupping early bakugou's ass#the other problem is how long the deaging would last#if it's too long it doesn't work#because then everyone's asking where all might is#(didn't you know? all might is nine heroes in a giant trenchcoat)#but if it's too short i can't justify toshinori needing 'adult' supervision#deaged at dagobah au
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I have a silly headcanon that the Wolfpack does a thing where every time one of them enters 79’s, they howl, and any other 104th members present in the club howl back. Other battalions find this varying levels of amusing or obnoxious but nobody else (not that many actually try) can howl and get a response—except for the 501st's Echo, who figures out that there’s a trick to it.
Addendum to this is that 104th shinies are encouraged to come up with their own personal howls as part of bonding with the battalion.
Second addendum to this is that howling has also been used as both a rallying cry and an intimidation tactic in battle.
#Star Wars#TCW#104th Battalion#SW Headcanons#Look they're a bunch of college-age young adults sorted into groups#Do NOT underestimate the power of goofy chants/traditions centered around unit solidarity#The Echo detail is in there because I've been harboring a vague idea for a scene where the 501st is at 79's#Fives tries to set off a howl but Echo's the one who succeeds#I imagine there's a lot of friendly heckling between battalions and each razzes the others for whatever they think is dumb#The truth is they're all silly#Patchy Babbles
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some postgame doodles for pride month
#martzipan#komahina#hajime hinata#nagito komaeda#domestic kmhn likers pspspsps cmere#i never draw just fluff/domestic things bc i get too in my feelings lmao. this one was no exception#i had to take a break midway through bc i got sappy. IT'S OK THO we got it done :3#neways these tie into some headcanons of mine so i'm gonna share 'em here#mainly i hc them having little ways where they just look out for each other#komaeda is usually the only one who can convince hinata to take a goddamn break without having to forcefully drag him away from his work#bc hinata does NOT take enough breaks. and he does not listen to reason#until there is a komaeda who is tired and can't go to sleep without his human teddy bear :((( can't let him go to bed aloneeee#n i think hinata just. casually feeds komaeda ALL the time#bc he won't eat enough on his own. and if you offer him food he'll be inclined to see it as a nicety and try to reject it#but if you just. Put Food In Front Of His Mouth. he'll eat it#it's kind of a reflex like komaeda doesn't realize he's being fed most of the time#they take care of each other bc they won't take care of themselves otherwise lmao. it's a little dysfunctional but they're trying#i think once they've recovered enough to be able to just enjoy each other's company they get REALLY really giggly#they have a lot of teenage/young adult love stuff to catch up on and since they didn't really have a puppy love phase. they laugh a lot#they'll try to do something tender or sweet but then one of them will start to laugh. and then it's not long before the other breaks#komaeda usually breaks first. bc he's always in awe of just how happy he is. bc he never thought he COULD be this happy#not without hell looming just over the horizon anyways#when hinata breaks first it's bc he's thinking of how much they've both been through and put each other through#and he's just sort of like 'how the fuck did we end up here'#(btw komaeda snorts when he's trying not to laugh. this is just fact trust me)#OH AND I HAVE MANY HEADCANONS ABT THEIR SLEEP STUFFS#as stated hinata runs hot and komaeda runs cold. but ALSO#hinata's a sprawler. komaeda gets Clingy. it works out for them tho#if komaeda doesn't have hinata to hold like a body pillow he'll curl into the tightest little ball. it gives him back pain lmao#oh and yes. they absolutely wake up with their legs incredibly tangled together
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changes season 3 will probably inspire me to make to the ALaWHEO outline:
(a 1000% serious manifesto)
here I was worried about my Wilmon boning all through the Easter holidays when clearly I didn't write them horny enough
adding a smidge more character growth to Micke (not on my bingo card)
figuring out a way to add Wille relaxedly sitting at a campfire and calling it a rave somewhere
Rousseau getting more than just a few paragraphs dedicated to his fate
more pda and Wilmon getting it on in public places (not really, but Wille bb you have a room with a selection of beds, please bang there and not in idk the music room)
August being recommended to give yoga a try
Farima, Farima, Farima (also not on my bingo card)
Wilmon communicating less
changing the color of the name day / birthday cake (the most important change of all 🎂)
Things from ALaWHEO which are now canon:
Simon having family in Gothenburg
The security service realizing that living on the GROUND FLOOR is a bad idea
spending holiday time at (totally not) Stenhammar
Ludvig's characterization
no one else's characterization (Simon bb what did they do to you?)
#DIDN'T I TELL YOU BOARDING SCHOOL IS ALL ABOUT BAKING?!!!#also our teachers were a lot less sober at our capping ceremony#just saying#Farima my beloved#the one sane caring and competent adult in the entire show#where do I sign up to the Farima fanclub#young royals#wilmon#as long as we have each other#random ramblings#fic ideas#yr s3 spoilers
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sneeping with his legs up over his head for some reason... weird boye
#cats#love the second picture... skrungly sleepy well rested boye face...#since he's an elderly boy now sometimes when he wakes up from a nap he looks a bit scruffy and squinty eyed#Hard to beleive he's like 15 though.. he still looks like a kitten to me.. due to his giant round creature eyes and childlike demeanor#I think it's interesting that like... baby cats are babies. kittens are kittens. and you can tell a cat is like 'young adult' phase#looking from like a few months to maybe 1yr or 2yrs.. but after that they just always look the same to me#a 5 yr old cat is a 10 yr old cat is a 15 year old cat. unless the cat in question is particulalry aged or youthful#I still have so so little energy... it's been icy here this week. like not even FUN but just scary icy even thoguh i lOOOVE the cold#and its my favorite weather. I think it'd be okay actually if I had a woodburning stove/fireplace/hearth thing. literally thats my only#concern with the power going out. I genuinely don't mind stuff like having to go to the bathroom in buckets or cook over a fire or do other#less conveninet things. Its just that if eveyrhtng is electric then you have no way to cook and all of that. well.. and I literally need#background noise to go to sleep lest my ocd sprials become so loud I am slowly driven into maddness.. but a few battery packs or something#and a phone with one downloaded video I could play on repeat is fine for that. I dont need internet. ANYWAY.. so so sad that my fav#orite season ever (winter) is here. and the first cold of the winter is like... just an ice storm that you cant even walk in. I#love like 4 feet of snow where you can play in it and stuff. But just a thin flat sheet of a few inches of ice over every imaginable surfac#is not really playable. the wind speeds are so high and so many trees fall it's actually not that safe to go hang out outside anyway unless#you were in a totally clear open field. which is SAD also because i love ice and high winds. i love to stand out there and get whipped in t#he face with ice crystals and feel like I'm in some dramatic movie or something. but alas.. the threat of being attacked by a falling tree.#I did go out some but again it's like. literallyyou cant walk on it. so I just squatted and dragged myself along the ground lol#One of my stories has a whole section where the main characters are trapped in a deadly cold environment for a week and have to use magic#to survive and etc. etc. so I'm always like.. ouuu.. I should go in the ice.. it's Writing Research actually.. *foolishly gets frostbite*#THOUGH yesterday I went on a harrowing evil journey down a bunch of icy hilly roads to go check on some person's cat because the cat#had been left in the house for like 5 days at that point with nobody to check on them and nobody else seemed to want to do anything#about it (like call all of the neighbors or try to get someone out there) so I just went myself with a roommate who agreed to drive me.#It seemed acting totally normal and I gave it more food and water but.. I am still worried about it.. Apparently the person will be able#to get back to their house tomorrow but.. I dont trust them. But I couldnt take the cat with me because it's like.. a stranger's cat#basically and also no carrier + very skittish.. so I feared if I just tried to carry them bare handed they'd definitely leap from my grasp#and then it'd be like.. sliding on a sheet of ice chasing a cat and so on.. I still think they need to be watched for health issues tho >:|#ANYWAY.... many cat adventures lately... and strange weather... I wish for a normal week without always so many Things Happening.. augh
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like it's just the way that outside of the BATB/POTO 'love what's ugly and ostracized' narrative itself cocteau was gay and everybody hated his gall about it, howard ashman was gay and had to conceal it and died of aids after finishing his work for disney's batb.... rather than have dark be homophobic and spitting in the face of his inspirational roots (the sole canon detail i can't stand) it's much much much more interesting for me to both read and write not someone who's meant to be a pervert (in humor) and an agape lover (in serious contextualization) only to turn and say 'no homo' to the crowd every single time but rather, instead of all that, someone who, simultaneously taking daisuke into account, is both extremely firm yet simultaneously insecure in the struggle to establish their identity not only in regards to themselves but also around others.
that applies to a lot, but i've been considering it especially in regards to dark's gender and daisuke's attractions. dark in my portrayal (while overall 500% nonbinary) is closer to someone bi-gender rather than agender; the feminine aspect to him isn't just theatrics, it's actively also part of his entirety to him, (compared to daisuke's passivity; the ten thousand canonical princess allusions,) and even if nobody ever recognizes it in a cognizant way, it is always, always there, the same way that erik blurs and obscures gender in leroux's novel (my second enormous inspiration, sugisaki's outright admitted primary) and sakurai occasionally discusses his relationship as both a performer and a person as well (my third enormous inspiration and sugisaki's secondary,) (see 1, 2.) simply put, the tragedy of (my!) dark does not ever derive from his being able to choose and sit comfortably and confidently with this sort of identity (in fact, it's one of the few things he can stubbornly, viciously decide for himself [alongside daisuke] as essentially a non-human, autonomous 'angel',) it's instead the way that his personality is so strong and 'anti-feminine' in the eyes of convention that said aspect of himself often gets disregarded for strictly masculine (and regardless, further self-contradictory and therefore isolating,) expectations.
dark himself alone does not care if others do not understand him; this is meant to be one of his far more admirable and impressive traits. he's staunchly independent: he knows who he is, what he's supposed to be, and he knows that if he actively presented himself more femininely (crossdressing to 'pass' essentially,) then people's behaviors WOULD be very likely to change around him, but he doesn't even do that because it goes against his overwhelming sense of pride. he never contorts, he never twists himself, what matters to him is that he and he alone understands himself and knows what he is, what he isn't. but he is, without proper support or acceptance, still alone. even bearing a strong character, the stifling loneliness and inherent, underlying self-sense of broken/wrongness of the 'other,' (god's luciferean problem child, the black sheep, the black-leather wearing punk,) is still inflicted on him. dark exists solely for himself, he exists solely for daisuke, which is simultaneously wherein the inversion and insecurities lie: if dark is canonically the live metaphor for all the aspects of daisuke's self that he attempts to and yet cannot possibly, conceivably repress, from his loves to his faults to his shames and his criminal sins as a thief, then the likes of daisuke's own personal confusions in regards to himself and his attempts at intimacy/socialization with others is the other, hidden side of dark's absolute self-confidence; it's every fear of perpetual isolation, misunderstanding, and abandonment for things outside of daisuke's own control.
queerness in relation to the self (transgender allegory) queerness in relation to others (non-hetero-romanticism) mental illness (depression, anxiety,) etc, etc, dark's thematic basis may at its most general simply be "a secret that feels wrong and that you feel you can't really tell anyone or else you'll get in trouble/won't be as liked as much" but it feels much better to give due respect to each of these primary roots.
#*・゚⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT.#reference.#'tsun r u angry about homophobic dark again' u can't take the guy everybody loves and is supposed to actively admire in the series#then have him say all the time he hates gays. when he's gay#DN's mothers and grandfathers are all gay sakurai was smashing his head against that boundary even in the 90s ish#what's not clicking#this is not a particularly well thought out ramble btw#i just think it's important that dark as a character (mine i mean) has a particular kind of struggle that isn't often actively touched on#which is being strong but lonely. deeply independent but out of necessity. he doesn't need assurance per se; just acceptance#as yes. still a young child. /a teenager./ not an adult.#even though he's constantly putting his entirety into subtly. selflessly giving (just as shamelessly as he takes as a thief)#dark really. does not get a lot back. and it's even at the point where he doesn't want it either bc hes the 'responsible' one#it's often that people lose interest in him once this stuff comes into play because suddenly he's less attractive for being 'complicated'#and/or bc he's not a 'real' girl. or he's not 'fem' enough (again: strong personality. opposite of a waifish damsel)#nvm me getting followed once by an all fem muse blog that said no fem+fem shipping 😭😂 what the hell even was that#dark counts himself as 'male' he counts himself as 'female' he counts himself as 'other' he just doesn't want to connect with 'none'#because he and basically all the other arts also are all 'none' from the start. they're artworks. canonically their pronouns are all over#the place too. in dark's case he only uses he/him because he is. an ore-sama chara. but i hope#everybody who ever comes into my house (blog) knows him and mine very specifically#as an ore-sama ojou-sama. that's what Mine Is#the same way daisuke is christine. is sleeping beauty. is gerda from the snow queen. but also the cursed prince#ok? ok#ok. im going to cook now#like i love riku but we do not need to bash gay ppl to have a happy het shoujo romance#riku couldve had a cute gf if she wanted. the gf couldve been dai. couldve been dark. :/#'daisuke was originally to be a girl but there weren't a lot of romances from boys' perspectives' and he still can be both. this is how
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first time i watched 'no exit' i was 100% in jo's corner like oh great it's sexist dean time . wheeee let's all watch her learn a lesson about hunting and he can be 'right' in a factual way but he'll be as obnoxious as possible about it the whole time . now i think what's happening here is that he has pretty much instantly samzoned her, as a college dropout from a hunting family who has a contentious relationship with her one surviving parent. EXCEPT that she's a five-foot-something twiggy barely-out-of-her-teens woman who has a crush on him and has never been on a serious hunt before, and he's dismissive/over-vigilant enough with the actual sam, a powerfully-built man with clairvoyant powers and over a decade of experience. bearing that in mind, his behavior towards jo is barely outside his normal realm of bossy and overbearing, and since he knows a little something about how sams will respond to direct orders, he still tells her mother she's not on the hunt with them so as to avoid the fallout until it's over. basically i think the whole dean thing, his most consistent characterization over the course of fifteen years, is his tendency to express even genuine protectiveness through the medium of 'bossy older sibling', and this makes him come off like the worst person on the planet. he frequently IS, but it's actually because of other things and has nothing to do with that habit in specific
#'you sound like my mother' 'oh that's a bad thing?' < dean thesis statement of the episode. yeah he sounds like that bc he is a mother jo#like. maybe because i was eighteen when i first watched it i was like he is being SO dismissive to her! she's grown! she's an adult!#but i'm nearly thirty now and alona tal is SO young in this episode . you could snap her like a twig#and she's like. i mean i have a twenty-one-year-old sister and the things i would and would not approve of her doing#based on my perception of her ability to not get hurt in the process. whoof#it's weird . not saying dean winchester can ever be valid but maybe for this one he's just correct in a rude way after all#and then he gets right into the other dean thesis: she has OPTIONS. why is she doing this when she could be doing literally#anything else. he never gets to the point where he considers he could just go do something else. that will never occur to him#but when it comes to sam-type people he assumes they should want the other options. and he is TERRIFIED of this with sam specifically#jo isnt his actual sister so she can and should explore the other options. but if sam does he thinks he'll never see him again#his evidence for this is that when sam went to college they didnt talk for four years. but he also never thinks#'we're better about communication now and if he went back to school we would definitely still talk'#because he assumes all things that have happened in the past will happen that way again. and he's in supernatural. so it's a fair assumptio#spn#q
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I do think a good chunk of the 'cringey atheist' stereotype did come from the fact that, especially americans, regardless of their actual religious status are just casually christian and refer to things through a religious filter and that isn't seen for how overwhelming/obnoxious/frustrating it is. Its absense, such as when writing a story and things like "oh god" or other casual references are remove or replaced, is seen as notable the same way people find the cast being all women or queer being 'abnormal'.
And I think more people, especially here on tumblr, should take a moment from ragging on some kid being "cringey" saying god doesn't exist or making atheist jump around like dancing monkeys to establish they're one of the good respectful ones before they ever even begin to talk about their own thoughts, and examine why so much content just inserts god into a conversation that had nothing to do with religion like it's the expected norm, the same way they examine the invasiveness of casual heteronormativity.
#this is just cause an ex christian youtuber i otherwise like refers to any extreme emotional experience as a 'religious experience'#as if everyone can agree on it being so#and theres more than a few posts on here that make me wonder why#so many people are incapable of making something 'poetic' or 'great' without invoking religious imagery#even where it had no relevance#atheism#anyways#ive seen uncomfortably similar treatment that aces in particular have received for pointing out amatonormativity in a post#its rare these days though because atheists have long since been thuroughly shamed in american society as being edgy#which like wooow a christian nation that shames every other religion in some way found a way to shame nonreligious too? shocking#actually i get kinda annoyed when i think about it its one of those propaganda that people casually buy into#without examining it at all#youll see atheists acting like dancing monkeys trying to establish theyre not cringe guys its okay#just to talk about how they feel and think#i remember being a young adult and when someone started talking to me with the assumption of god being in the picture#and id get an eye roll like i was being childish not going along with it nevermind they inserted god into the convo in the first place#without question or comment#and i know it wasnt forceful the same way some ex religious folks can get a bit zealous the same way they were about religion#which theres something to eb said for that zealousness being acceptable when christian but not when atheist or another religion#but ive never gone through such a phase my family has been atheist for several generations now and we were taught to respect beliefs#anyways sorry idk why this is on my brain this afternoon i think i saw a post or smth and it reminded me of that youtuber
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Prayers appreciated I guess. Mental health is still eh and spiritual health isn’t any better.
#prayer request#I want to write out thoughts but I also should just sleep too#I’m so tired of all of this#I want to not live in this world where everything is crap and doesn’t get better only harder and more confusing and painful#I think the church thing would *maybe* be easier if my family also wanted to try out other churches and initiated it#but if it’s up to me I just don’t care enough and I don’t even know how to start with anything#and of course the one that has a young adult service has it when everyone else in the family has stuff going on#and it’s at the church that wants to destroy your eardrums in worship#like I like the vibe and the sermons but having to put in ear plugs to even walk into worship? hate that#and I hear my sister say that people miss me or are praying and I’m like#‘okay cool….have your considered trying to reach out and talk to me? or is that too much work?’
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one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao
#moogletalks#in some ways it was a wonderful community; and it taught me a lot of really helpful things#and made me feel validated and hopeful that This is a Thing That You Can Continue to Be and Develop in an Adult Life#instead of feeling like there was a time limit for when plurality stopped being Childlike Imagination and started being Craziness(tm)#(lots to unpack there lol)#.....in other ways not only was there Some Real Fuckery going on in the community in general; on an interpersonal basis#but i cannot overstate how horrifically toxic and damaging some of the things it taught me about plurality were#and how when i entered the phase of young adulthood where i realized the approach it had demanded of me was unsustainable to my survival#instead of having other perspectives on hand to go 'hey yeah you're not torturing your parts to death out of laziness if they go dormant'#'and/or if you don't spend hours of extremely grueling intensive work at minimum into maintaining them every single day of your life'#'and that if they dissolve into nothing because you Didn't Pay Them Enough Attention and you try to recreate them it won't be the same one'#'and if they DO actually come back as themselves they'll be horribly broken and traumatized and probably hate you forever'#'who the fuck told you that. oh my god?'#all i had to go on was 'either you're plural or you live an actual functional life in the real world; and i can't not do the latter atp'#and the result was repressing myself in an incredibly traumatic way i have just never fully recovered from even now#the fun cherry on top was that later when i *did* try to ask (very kind and well-meaning) plural ppl from another mental health community#if anything i described sounded familiar to their own experiences; or ones they had heard from other people#their response was pretty much 'idk that doesn't sound plural to me; i'm sorry; it's something where if you have it you know :('#me crying my eyes out for days afterward: obviously this reaction is bc i want to appropriate plurality to feel special#and am throwing tantrums at having the bubble broken by Reality#anyway. it's been a lot and yeah i really wish i'd had literally any other affirming plural community as a kid lol#ableism cw#internalized ableism cw#pluralitag#traumatag#adventures in mental illness#disabilitag
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I've had to read a lot of YA for my book club and wow going back to it the genre just really hates women huh
#screaming crying FREE ME FROM YOUNG ADULT BOOKS#obviously not all of them are bad and this current one is pretty good#but it goes into the SAME pitfall where it's female protag “i'm not like the other stupid girls. i'm ordinary but also not!”#and it just has to shit on women??? again and again??? WHY has this been a trend established in books for the past 15 or so years#i really have grown out of ya i think but my friends keep suggesting more for our book club 💀#chen.txt
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Random Togami Headcanon 13
TL;DR - Byakuya's bettered himself but he still has a long road of healing. Also, heads up. This one's not happy like most of the others. Gets a bit hopeful at the end but there's still a lot of sad topics here. Viewer discretion is advised. Now that he feels more empathy for others and possesses some capability for putting himself in another's shoes, thoughts he used to have about the lower class make him feel... off. Perhaps guilt or discomfort with himself. It doesn't help though looking at his classmates every school day and being reminded of the mindset he was raised with. It especially doesn't help when he looks at Makoto who helped him. Makoto being the commoner of all commoner's also hurts. He appreciates what Makoto's done to help him but it unintentionally stabs him hard within his chest that he needed someone's help to get to this point and the someone being a commoner he once wrote off. Next, with this empathy, the heir feels better with his life and happiness but fundamentally worse. It's as if he deteriorated though, logically, he knows it's not the case. He knows that the illogical side of his brain covers itself in the hides of reason and rationale. Essentially, Byakuya ends up having a grueling struggle with dealing with these emotions that, for the majority of his life, he buried and repressed. Emotions that both make him feel more fulfilled in life but that tear him apart inside. Bouts where he feels either extremely content with how he's turned out or that dread and despair that he's slipping back into his old ways. In fact, at times, it becomes overwhelming for him to handle which he especially hates. Being overwhelmed is yet another thing he once viewed as a weakness and, to some extent, he still does. Sometimes, to cope, jokes to himself on whether existing itself is something he feels is a weakness. However, though he has a lot of emotions and thoughts that upset him now as a bettered person, one big thing that pains him is that he has the capability and the intelligence to notice all of this. It's the acknowledgment that stings. The heir notices that he has a problem, that he probably needs help, maybe even therapy, but then he spirals more because of that realization. Why should HE need HELP for these problems of his?! He's an independent person! He should logically be able to handle this himself. He's always handled his problems on his own! Why should he now need someone or just a support system of people to aid in his path of healing? He feels gross for that support system being the classmates who he once adamantly despised with such vitriol. With the added empathy, he also feels shame as he doesn't want to hurt any more people in his life now. He has the hindsight to know this now. He questions himself. Is the situation he's in even that big of a deal and should he keep searching for answers on the "why" and "how"? Is it worth it? Comparisons to the peasants he used to once adamantly demonize also do not escape him. He feels worse because, while he's breaking at the seams, countless of other commoners have similar thoughts too. He's not unique and a bit of that stings his lingering superiority. Then, there is the fact that Byakuya feels even worse about this BECAUSE commoners can handle stuff like this and yet, he keeps saying that he can't due to his mental spirals. Either that or the older thoughts of hating commoners bites back by making him feel like he's "acting like one". He knows by this point that he's actively tearing himself down and that he needs to escape this cycle of mental abuse. He feels shame in himself though. He feels humiliated. Pathetic. Overly emotional in ways he's never felt before. He still has that hope though. The hope that he can get through his. The heir's already delt with so much whether canon, non-despair, or an au of some kind. He's continued on despite it all. And, though long ago, he would have pushed some of this hope off for it being too optimistic, he's grown to care less about that sort of thought anymore. Byakuya can do this.
#danganronpa#danganronpa headcanons#danganronpa byakuya#byakuya togami#togami headcanon series#text sector#basically he's in a state where he knows he can get better but it takes a toll on him at times cus he's hard on himself#knowing that it's okay to rely on others and reaching out is hard just in general and it's def the case for him cus he usually relies on hi#he has to basically get out of a mindset he's had all his life which is a difficult thing to do because it can take so many years#which is why it pains him cus he kinda wishes the could just get it fixed right away but he knows it's impossible#hope this wasn't too vent-y and it's okay if one cannot get through all of this as it's quite a lot to handle#i find this aspect of his character interesting though#one can question how he'd handle this change of his over time and if it takes a toll in some regards due to this being different for him#he's been wired with a certain way of thinking both in terms of viewing the lower class badly and trying to be as smart as he can#also does not help that he's still young but has acted like he's an adult his whole life or at least the expectation of what adults are#loosening up from that stress and pressure he has on himself both due to the environment he was born in and his own standards is hard#he hates it being “hard” though#he's the togami heir so having things be “difficult” for him “isn't supposed to happen”#also stings cus he thinks so highly of himself and what he's meant to achieve or what he's expected to achieve#just another one of my interpretations of his character though#i could/would have added more but there's a word limit i think??? might have missed stuff i wanted to talk about too#there's a lot to say and dive into and it's especially the case for me cus i care a lot about his character and analyzing him the best i ca#if i found a way to write more without it saying that it can't save my draft i would not have so many of these tags T-T#dunno if it's cus i use my computer to type these or if it's just the site or if i'd have to pay for something???#not sure ;-;
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the thing about chilshi is that i see it as super one-sided on chilchuck's part and that's some shit he's bringing to the grave with him
#random thoughts#dungeon meshi#if (somehow) senshi became aware i think he'd be flattered#in like an 'aw thanks man' way#this goes for marcille too btw but in like reverse#i could see marcille having a fledgling crush on chilchuck after he reveals his age#but before she fully internalizes he's An Adult. like an adult adult#like how she infantilizes falin? like that#and like she's honestly chilchuck's type yknow? being blonde and all#but i don't think he would date someone who views him like that#he might tolerate it from senshi for like 4.5 seconds in his fleeting daydreams#but in reality? noooo thank you#this is why i ship laios and chilchuck tbh. he's the party member who chilchuck thinks knows him the best#and he trusts him the most to lead!!!#also because i think it'd be funny if laios (26) started dating izutsumi's (17) surrogate father figure#also because i really like that comic where chilchuck's children judge him for dating someone so YOUNG. cradlerobber#this is quickly devolving into me providing my Opinion on dungeon meshi ships#might as well get into kabru and laios#i don't see it? it might be because i've only read the manga and im bad at fully comprehending those the first time through#but like. first of all kabru is a VERY minor character in my eyes#he mostly becomes relevant during the latter half which is my least favorite part#and ive seen people tote the 'i want to be your friend!!!' panel as like. fodder for the ship?#and honestly when i read that part i read it as kabru desperately grasping at straws to keep laios from going to marcille#his brain to mouth line fully shut down and he was just spouting gibberish#laios even calls him out on it#i see kabru and shuro as being in the same boat? seeing laios as insufferable but it's not his fault#marcille and falin are in lesbians with each other. gay as hell to revive someone with forbidden magicks#they are LESS gay than i was expecting though. which is a hell of a thing to say about two women who bathe together
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