#when you look up healthy things and its all about weight loss as if the only way to be healthy is to lose weight

[lavender---sunshine]

I'm very frustrated because I hate exercising hungry but I can't find the right time to eat before a workout that doesn't leave me feeling bloated either and when I try to find anything about eating before a workout its all WEIGHT LOSS DIET FAT BURNING BELLY BUSTING ABS CORE ASS SUMMER BODY like girl calm down I just want to know if 2 hours is enough time to digest my lunch

[harrietswriting]

Hihi! Im so sorry if this is pushing a boundary or something, but personally, I struggle with an eating disorder. I was wondering if you could write like a Curtis sister imagine where one of them finds out that reader is dealing with an ed and tells the other brothers? Just like a shit ton of angst + comfort. Again, I’m so sorry if this is pushing some sort of boundary. I hope you have a lovely day 🫶🏻

Your Brothers Found Out You Have an ED

Curtis Brothers x gn!sibling!reader

An: I wish everyone out there struggling with an ed the best of luck at recovery. Yall are beautiful and deserve the world. 💕 I hope this is kinda accurate. If it's not and it's weird then please let me know!

Word count: 750

W: discussion of ED, reader with ED, Darry is a bit insensitive at first

"I'm not really hungry, Darry." You stand in the kitchens entryway and mess with your sleeves as your older brother cooks dinner. "I ate earlier."

"Well, you need to stop doing that. You're always spoiling your dinner. When was the last time you ate with us, y/n?" He looks over at you.

Your cheeks flush and you avoid his eyes. It's been awhile since you've eaten dinner with them. You normally just drink a glass of water and talk about your day as they eat, trying to talk over the grumbling of your stomach. But you lie, "I ate that pasta you made a few nights ago." You had taken a bite of the Alfredo pasta, but you felt awfully guilty and regretted it.

Sodapop had been sitting in the dining room and had over heard your conversation with Darry. He'd noticed your lack of eating and was really worried about you. Maybe Darry couldn't see that something was wrong, but Soda could. He couldn't remember that last time he'd seen you eat a healthy amount of food. He's also noticed your abnormal weight loss and how fatigued you've been lately.

"I'll eat leftovers when I get hungry." You lie.

Darry sighs then goes back to cooking. "Okay, y/n."

"Sorry."

"Its fine, but you're eating with us tomorrow."

Damn it. You'd have to ask one of your friends if you could stay over or hang out at their house tomorrow evening to avoid that. But you say: "okay."

You turn around and walk out of the kitchen, heading towards your room. You try not to panic about potentially having to eat dinner tomorrow while you walk.

Soda watches you go towards your room. Hr waits until he hears the door close, then he gets up and heads into the kitchen.

"Hey Darry, we need to talk about y/n." Soda says.

Darry looks up from the pot he's stirring and gives Sodapop a questioning look. "What about 'em?"

Soda hesitates for a moment, then begins. "I don't think they're eating Darry. Like, at all. Or at least, not nearly enough."

Darry's saddened by this idea, and a long, sad, heartbreaking conversation follows. He doesn't want to believe Soda at first.

Ponyboy finally finished his homework and joined his brothers in the kitchen. His heart dropped when he heard what Soda thought.

"You really think... why would y/n do that?" He asks quietly.

Soda shrugs. "I don’t know. So, what do we do now? Do we have an intervention kind of thing?"

"Y/n is eating dinner with us." Darry states, then calls your name.

"Darry, I don’t know if rushing them into eating is the best idea." Soda counters.

You come out of your room and make your way to the kitchen where all three of your brothers are. "Yeah?"

"You're eating dinner with us." Darry crosses his arms. Soda looks at you sympatheticly and Ponyboy looks worried. They can't know, right?

"I ate earlier though." You say quietly, trying to mask your panic. Soda frowns.

"What'd you eat?" Darry asks.

You pause. "I.. I made eggs."

"Don't be a liar."

"I'm not-"

"Both of you stop." Soda interrupts, "Y/n, you're not eating, and we're worried about you. That's not good for you. I'm no genius, but I'm pretty sure eating a healthy amount of food is super important."

You stare at them, unsure of what to say. They know, so you can't deny it, but you don't want to admit it either.

Darry speaks, "This ends now, this not eating thing."

"It's not that easy." You mutter.

"It's a disorder, Darry." Pony chimes in. He glances at you then looks at the ground.

This sucks. You're feel helpless. You feel cornered. You can't get yourself out of this. Its embarrassing having them know, and its worring. Yeah, you need help, but sometimes you dont want it. You hug your arms around yourself as you look at the ground and tears blur your vision.

Darry sighs, walks over, and hugs you. "It's okay, y/n. You're not in trouble. We just want to help you." Soda joins in the hug, "Yeah, y/n." Then Ponyboy joins in too. You can't help but smile a little with your brothers hugging you. You know they love and care about you, and in this hug, you feel safe.

The group hug eventually breaks up. You sniffle and wipe your eyes. Soda looks at you tenderly. "How can we help you?"

an: argh! I hope this is sweet and lives up to your expectations. I didn't want to have the reader give specifics on how the brothers can help them in the fic, because everyone is different and needs different things.

[gay-dorito-dust]

can you make HSR male character with a dead reader (I LOVE ANGST, I LIVE FOR ANGST).

for the characters, it's up to you, but if possible, please include Blade and Jing Yuan (if this topic makes you uncomfortable, don't do it)

Sorry for getting to this after so long and if it was shit.

Jing yuan:

It had been a while since your passing and everyone had seemingly forgotten your name and the fact that you had once lived amongst them.

However Jing Yuan didn’t, he refused to let himself forget the hold you once had over on his heart, mind and soul, or how your actions touching him in ways that he didn’t think were possible.

Life had lost its colour and appeal the moment you died and Jing Yuan had no need to feel excitement for things that he did before with you by his side.

The stars looked dull as though they were mourning you alongside him, the flowers you once given him didn’t smell as fragrant nor looked as healthy as they should’ve. Even the street food stalls didn’t seem at all appetising when you weren’t here to practically salivate over, and or give him the biggest pair of pleading puppy eyes over that never failed to elicit a chuckle out of him.

He stayed inside more often than not as everything outside might as well have been casted in black and white to Jing Yuan, with the only remnants being at your grave of which he often found himself sat in front of.

‘You once asks me what my biggest regret would be and I told you that I don’t live life with regrets, which was a lie and you knew it but didn’t speak up about it, whether it was out of respect or otherwise I’ll never know…not now at least.’ He says with a forced smile, the pain within his chest growing ever greater the more he relived your loss. ‘I am burdened with many regrets. Many of which that have threatened to squash with their weight, but loosing you will be my ultimate regret as with you I was starting to believe in forever in this life once more…only for forever to die with you.’ He concludes as he presses his forehead to your headstone and closed his eyes in hopes of feeling your warmth once more.

But all he felt was the cold, unforgiving and hard surface of your headstone as a tear fell from his eye at the reality that all aspects of you were truly gone forever…

Blade:

Your death was a tragedy Blade couldn’t forget.

It was engraved into every corner of his mind where it was made impossible for him to forget.

Even in his torturous dreams he was forced to watch you die in front of his eyes constantly and in the most horrific ways possible, all the while he remained helpless to stop any of it from happening.

Any remnant of you was clutched tightly in his hand under it bled from his nails digging into his skin, but he couldn’t feel it for he had grown numb. He’d even tie a piece of cloth from your clothes to the hilt of his sword or his finger in order to feel you with him wherever he went.

Just like you always wanted.

Blade couldn’t fully dedicate himself to being your partner but he was more than selfish with your attention and affection. He wanted it all. No, he needed it all for himself and gave you nothing much in exchange other than letting you hold onto him and kiss his scars.

He did love you in his own way and was building himself up to actually be your partner properly, only for you to die selflessly in his arms, whispering that’d you loved him before passing on from your wounds.

Blade thought he should’ve been use to death by now but your death hit him in a way that left him desiring death more than normal, in hopes that he could reunite with you and correct his wrong doings when you were alive.

Now and then in moments where Blade was faced with death, he could feel a presence next to him that felt soft, warm and felt very much like the you he was forced to remember…

[genderqueerdykes]

Hello, I’ve got a long winded request for advise that I’d like to ask from you (if you’ll give me a year in advance to ramble lol).

Would just like to state first off that this was something I spent half an hour on cycling between the thoughts of “this is horribly offensive” and “who better to ask” due to some of your posts and because I commonly enjoy and trust your opinions to be at least honest. I know you aren’t obligated to answer this ask but I’d really appreciate it even if it’s simply just a “AITA?” “YTH” situation.

I’ve had an issue recently where I am being ridiculed for making choices for my body and its appearance. The choice is losing weight. I’ve lived my entire life so far as a fat person, for the last 13 or so years I was well above the “class 3 obesity” threshold, right now I’m sitting in the low end of the first class. I don’t really like it, but when I was in the overweight category (I haven’t been an average weight since I was 5, a little more on that later) I got told that by losing weight I was being inherently fatphobic and making other fat people uncomfortable.

I know dieting and the likes can be an uncomfortable topic in general but I never brought it up except for rare mentions of my weight loss, mostly because I was proud of my progress. I’m not wanting to be “thin, “skinny,” whatever etc etc, I would just like to be in the middle of the average category with some visible muscle mass. I was shamed so much that I put myself back up into the obese category, and I’m all for body positivity but it’s not working for me when I know what I want my body to look like. I’m neutral on my body and its functions in general but I’m uncomfortable with the gain I didn’t want and the knowledge that I was on my way to a point of comfort.

As I said before, I haven’t been an average weight since I was 5. That’s because I developed severe binge eating disorder due to trauma. My weight gain was uncontrollable and made me uncomfortable for over a decade. Now that I have some control and a sense of body neutrality, I would like to lose what I gained from my disorder. Not all of it ofc, I’m an adult now and I want a healthy adult body, but I want to be able to make the choices and changes to put my body back into the average weight that I feel was “stolen” from me.

I suppose those thoughts could be considered fatphobic from a certain viewpoint but to me my binge eating disorder and obesity are/were things that I feel the need to heal from. I don’t have these thoughts about anyone else. I don’t want anyone to lose weight if they don’t want to. I love fat bodies. I just want to have the choice to lose weight myself without being considered a bad person.

Do these thoughts and feelings make me a bad/fatphobic person? Does losing weight make me a bad/fatphobic person? I genuinely just want what I believe is best for my body.

Thank you for your time. Stay well.

i have a lot of feelings on this sort of topic, so i appreciate you sending an ask like this, because it's one of the most nuanced, complicated discussions i've tried to have with people recently and a lot of people do not understand the distinction. i'm going to try to break this down to have it make sense to as many people as possible

first of all, people have the right to choose what weight they want their body to be at, so long as it's not causing genuine harm, especially permanent harm. losing weight is not inherently evil, the thing is, a lot of people either need to lose weight or choose to do so for good reasons. i was very heavy at one point, 360 lbs, and i was starting to get new pain i hadn't experienced before. it was hard to stand for any period of time. i couldn't walk much.

after i started walking around the neighborhood and losing that extra weight, that pain went away. i feel a lot better having less of that weight on me. i gained weight in a very unhealthy manner during this time, mostly by not eating well for my dietary needs, sleeping excessively, no exercise, and so on. the thing is that we have to take care of our total health and not everyone who is fat is unhealthy, but some people can and do put on weight that impairs their functioning or health and it's not good to ignore that this is a thing that can and does happen

you're allowed to decide what you feel your body should look like especially if you are not taking this to extremes. i like to keep my weight below a certain range, myself. i keep a close eye on it. fortunately it's easy to stay around a certain healthy range for my body because i cook a lot of meals at home and i mostly eat vegetarian food and fish due to allergies and digestive issues. i'm still about 311 lbs but it's in a much healthier configuration for my body

weight is a complex conversation. both thin and fat bodies are stigmatized. we need to drop our obsession with body image and let people be the arbiters of their own weight, at least, letting people express what they want and helping them reduce harm and find ways to achieve that goal realistically in a healthy manner. shaming people doesn't work. we've proven this decade after decade. shaming skinny people doesn't work. shaming fat people doesn't work. shaming anyone doesn't work

dieting is a very specific thing. everyone's diet is 100% unique to their body. your digestive system works different than the person next to you's. you may not metabolize nutrients as well as someone else. you may process fats and proteins differently. you may need a lot of electrolytes. you may not be able to digest fiber. you may struggle with fructose, glucose and other sugars. you may not be able to eat any meats at all. you may need lots of fruits. it will depend greatly on who you are

it's best to work with your body than against it. you are allowed to decide what weight range you want to be within. best thing you can do is attempt an elimination diet to see if there are foods that just don't do your body any favors, these can and should be done very slowly with one food at a time. but i'm not a health professional, so that's just a suggestion.

either way good luck, i don't like when people try to boil this down to "this is good" or "This is bad". there are good and bad things to all of this. it's worth discussing both sides of that. i hope this helped you in any way

[luckyspike]

“Don’t you feel better now?”

That is a very very presumptuous question I have been getting recently and im annoyed about it.

in january 2024 i started losing weight on purpose. sort of. mostly what i was actually trying to do was the shit we medical professionals are always telling our patients: eat healthier, less processed foods, less saturated fats and sugars and more balanced choices that weigh fat/protein/carbs. and exercising! walking mostly, but some calisthenics type stuff to build strength, and of course lots of Horse Time

and its worked - im down 25lbs. hooray! and people have started asking me "dont you feel better?"

and honestly? no

i started feeling better late 2023 when i started exercising

i started feeling better within the first month of eating better

i started feeling better way before i started "looking better" i guess, and it annoys me that no one talks about that more.

i didnt start doing this to be skinny. i didnt even start doing this to lose weight. i started doing this because i was tired of being tired, and stiff, and feeling so weak. i hated that i got winded walking a couple blocks or up a flight of stairs. and so i started all these things, these changes, because this is my body and i ask a lot of her and i owe it to her to try my best to keep her in good working order. And it’s working, and also, I’ve lost weight.

So I guess my point is no, noticeable weight loss has not made me feel better. Making healthy changes in my life has. And it’s annoying that for the first 6-8 months of doing that, quietly slogging along with the vegetables and thinking “hey I’m feeling pretty good!” No one asked or seemed to care.

So to those of you in that spot, where you’re starting out and no one notices, that’s ok. Talk about it. Reflect on it. Keep going. Ignore the scale, and listen to your body. It’ll tell you too: keep going

[y-vna]

Just so it's clear, one of my big dni crits is this:

TW: My rant includes HEAVY topics of ed (eating disorders) and intentionally starving yourself/unhealthy weight loss 🙁.

This post is also ULTRA long, will definitely contain grammar and spelling mistakes, and I'm not going to say 100% everything here is accurate information, as I'm a human and I make mistakes too.

Let me get this clear, I dont mean anyone harm with this post. My intention isn't to hate or attack/hurt anyone to make them feel upset. I know that having an ed is a serious matter. I have friends and family who actively have/had these kinds of eds, so im not uneducated on this subject and I do understand it to a very in-depth degree. This is not to say I know everything about this topic, however.

It is definitely not easy to recover from, and lots of people struggle from it every day. I am NOT saying people with this disorder are any less human than anyone else. I'm saying it's toxic for those who do have it since it actually harms your body a lot, and pushing it on others (not the fact you have it in the first place) is something I don't support.

So respectfully, if you do support/promote eds as a positive thing, or are/follow/interact with blogs who do, BLOCK ME AND DNI. thank you.

I love everyone for who they are inside, regardless of what their body looks like. And I'm telling you right now, as someone who tried so hard to have a perfect body and stop eating bc im super insecure, it's not worth it, and it makes you feel so shitty. I love you, whoever is reading this, no matter what. So please don't change who you are just to make others happy :( <3

--

So I was looking thru tumblr, and this one post kept getting shown to me where people were talking about basically the idea of: "its worth it to keep losing that undesired weight, you'll see results soon" as like a motivational thing. The tags (straight up tells you it's supposed to be inspo to becoming skinny and supports the idea having an ed is the only way to get a dream bod), and their whole blog had ed encouragement/motivation. To keep...starving, i guess.?? Despite their user being about being strong and healthy, nothing about this is healthy or keeps your body strong.

I didn't decide to write a whole rant about just that part of the post because I didn't start getting super concerned until i read the notes/comments (since i had seen a lot of these 'tw : ed' blogs before already). What I saw was that tons of users were promoting starving yourself as a goal and a good thing, and basically glorifying having an ed. And also using kpop idols with skinny and perfect figures like wonyoung to tell others that (almost a literal direct quote from this user-) 'us ed people don't want to be helped and we won't stop starving ourselves until we reach the weight we want.'

"You see it as negativity cause you're not disordered." KEEP IN MIND THE PERSON THEY'RE TALKING TO USED TO ACTUALLY HAVE AN ED (the screenshot below is the person they were talking to). I understand you can't push people to get help if they don't want it, but you have to draw a line when you start saying that every person with ed doesn't want help, which just isnt true. I looked at their blog, and it was all just calculating how many calories they ate and burned every day. Most of the posts they basically only totaled 300 calories a day. THAT IS SUPER SICK ☹️. An average human needs like 2000+ calories a day. It actively influences people to copy them by posting and blogging this SUPER unhealthy weight loss. It IS NOT positive on any level. It does nothing good for you. You won't feel any happier when you look in the mirror if all you can feel is pure hunger because you won't give your body what it needs. This is so sad to me because all the comments had people trying to ask how to start starving themselves, and every blog I clicked on all had ed triggers on their posts and bios. Some of those blogs were saying NOT to become like them because they can't see themselves recovering now that they're in too deep.

As said by people online who actually had and got through having an ed, they have explained it is very unhealthy and they were glad to recover. So even though I do not have an ed, and you might think I shouldn't be "judging" people who have them, there are plenty of formerly ed diagnosed people who know the bad effect it has on others/had on them because they can accurately relate. You can still educate people on a subject even if you yourself do not have to suffer from it/have it, as long as you're doing it properly with proven facts (literally all credible research you do anywhere backed by science and experts will prove eds aren't healthy). People educate themselves to teach others about other illnesses, ongoing or past wars in history, etc, they don't have firsthand experience with/from. And they can still be just as valid sometimes.

My whole point here is that on tumblr and so many other social media platforms, I keep seeing people (posts like this and whole blogs centered around this stuff,) encouraging (mainly young) girls to stop eating altogether to have a body that society and other people are more satisfied with. That's why, for a while, I also tried to do the same because of the people saying it was a positive thing to gain a bad relationship with food and start counting your calories to be perfect. I'm also someone who struggles with body image and being shamed for gaining weight. But at some point hou need to realize hurting your body and mental state is SO WRONG. NOBODY is perfect. So don't push you or anyone else to be. I learned this, and I get its super hard to ignore the judgment forced onto you by society and your surroundings, but there will be people who appreciate you just how you are now. Like me.

So with all that said, the moral here is:

Don't starve urself (on purpose. Bc some people genuinely have trouble eating and starve themselves non intentionally. I have friends who do this 😭)

You're perfect how u are now without being as slim as your idols (and even K-pop idols don't tell others usually to be like them because they know that their companies forcing them to strictly control their weight isn't something they want fans to look up to).

Don't force (potential) ed on others

Don't encourage unhealthy relationship with your body and food

I do support people with eds, as long as they aren't trying to make it something others should look up to, and aspire to have.

If you are someone who wants to normalize having an ed as healthy or positive, please do not interact with this blog and feel free to block me :(

Thank you for reading, have a good day and ily for whoever is reading this. 💗💖💓💕

[gabessquishytum]

My brain just went to angst and hurt comfort land after reading your post about Dream feeling the need to feed Hob.

So Dream starts pulling food from dreams for Hob. The food is delicious, and Hob feels full after eating, but it is still dream food even when it is brought into the waking world. It's rare that people dream about the nutritional content of food, the flavor and satiated feeling of eating sure, but not the actual components that a body breaks down to keep itself healthy.

What this means is that Hob is more or less eating tasty styrofoam. His brain feels like he is getting everything he needs since the food tastes like it has the right nutrition, so there are no hunger signals, and he feels very little need to eat other foods. Despite his brain overriding his body's signals, he is still in need of nutrition. This means Hob starts dropping weight as his body starts taking what it needs from his fat and muscel because food isn't an option.

Dream notices the weight loss, and alarmed by it starts feeding Hob more. This only amplifies the issue, and Hob starts looking and feeling worse and worse. Dream goes into an absolute panic, trying to figure out who/what is making Hob sick. He is sure that something has cursed Hob, that it is punishment from the fates or something similar.

When they figure it out, Dream feels absolutely horrible. He has been starving Hob all this time. Dream, being Dream, isn't dealing with the situation well at all. Hob isn't mad though, how was Dream to know that what can feed endless, goddesses, and other non-human beings wouldn't work for a mortal. Sure, it's distressing, but Hob knows how to bounce back now that he knows the cause.

When he is feeling more energetic, Hob does drag Dream into the kitchen and starts teaching him how humans cook. Dream starts out of guilt, but eventually comes to enjoy the process because there are all kinds of stories in food and cooking, and Hob loves to go on about the ones he knows as they make things together. It is also time spent close to Hob, so Dream is happy about that too. They figure out what they each like to cook and eat and end up with their own handwritten recipe book covered in cooking stains and filled with affection and care.

If months into this new joint hobby, they both have filled out and are more comfortable in their bodies, well that is what good food cooked with love can do for you.

-💥

Oh noooo 😭😭 this reminded me of famine in Good Omens!! Only Dream is feeding Hob stuff with no nutritional content BY ACCIDENT. Ouch.

Of course Dream is wracked with guilt about this and feels like such an IDIOT. He's been around for millennium, why didn't he figure out that Hob wasn't getting the right stuff from the dream food right away?! Hob just pats him gently and says that he didn't work it out, and he's human, so Dream really mustn’t blame himself.

But Dream is nothing if not a martyr. He's determined to feed Hob back to full health, with actual good food this time. He does cheat a tiny bit, but only with cleaning up after himself (because he doesn't dare to leave Hob’s beloved kitchen in such a terrible state).

Hob has no complaints, now that Dream is serving up a gourmet menu that won't accidentally make him malnourished. He gains back everything that he lost and gets plenty of opportunity to tone his muscles because Dream even insists on giving him physiotherapy! If the exercises turn into sexytimes occasionally, that's OK. Hob’s just glad that Dream has lifted out of his guilt ridden depressive state and is ready to enjoy the finer things in life again.

And if Hob gains a few extra pounds more than he had before, then he sees no reason to complain. He knows that Dream is determined to see him safe and soft, and that Dream has found a genuine love for cooking. Its a little funny to see the dreamlord in his frilly black apron, puzzling over a recipe book, but Hob just thinks he's the most lovely thing in the universe tbh. He'll gladly eat anything that Dream serves up for him. Especially if they can enjoy dessert together!

[fandomshatefatpeople]

I've been fat my whole life. Ever since I was a kid. And ever since I was a kid I've been mocked, bullied, ridiculed, insulted and even physically assaulted for being fat. To the point I ended up with an eating disorder and lost a lost of weight. Way too fast. In a way that wasn't healthy at all. But I still wasn't happy. Because I couldn't recognize myself anymore. And I felt like i was just doing this for other people. But it's just so hard for me to accept my body. It just feels like I'll never be happy with it no matter what

I'm so sorry we haven't answered this. I know that this is a triggering ask so I'm gonna add all the tags i possibly can followers.

I'm actually a lot like you Nonny. I was a chubby kid, then got my period at 10 because I was so fat. I had an eating disorder by 14 and while it didn't last long (the bulimia at least) I kinda got comfortable in my skin even though I slowly crawled back up to my previous weight I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. So the meds they put me on made me gain weight (50 pounds in 6 months). There after I did yoyo dieting and exercising flirted with bulimia again but it didn't work this time.

I'm not telling you this to trauma dump. I want you to consider my age and experience. I'm in my early forties. And its like... part of the reason I wasn't happy with my body was because I grew up with magazines and tv and movies constantly showing me thin ppl.

i don't think I stopped yoyo dieting until the cycle of yoyp dieting made me hit 250 lbs (I'm only 5'2) by then i was like 28/30ish. And like I think what changed was that I was watching media with like Donna from Parks and Rec, Shirley Bennet from Community. And they were never made to feel ugly for being fat. It was eye opening. (spoiler alert even though I'm not black Ugly betty was like more of the same thin ppl are the only that matter).

I don't think I really got comfortable in my skin until I joined pinterest about 7 or 8 years ago and got fed a steady stream of fat people in cute outfits.

Its still hard to find fat representation though. And I started looking into romance novels with chubby and fat protagonists about 5 years ago. Most notably the Brown sisters trilogy. They're all overweight and they all have these handsome men falling head over heels with them.

But like its one thing to admire people on pinterest with cute outfits. its a complete other thing to actually shop for yourself and give yourself permission to buy cute clothes.

One strange thing that happened about 3 years ago was that I gained like 40 pounds and all of my boring clothes didn't fit me anymore.

So this time shopped on lane bryant for cute dresses and jeans. and torrid, and hot topic. I started playing with makeup. (before I had like a uniform of jeans).

I'm not gonna lie people will *always* praise you for losing weight even if its because you're literally sick with an eating disorder or having health problems. (a friend of mine who did belly dancing lost like 30 pounds like really fast because all of the sudden she couldn't process meat anymore everyone fawned over her weight loss). she was literally starving and people wouldn't stop cooing over her skinniness.

I don't know what to think about society at large and their obsession with thinness. I've tried telling my family that I no longer want to keep clothes from when I was 250ish and they're all like "oh don't worry you'll lose the weight!!!"

I'm like bitch please. But its exhausting having people encourage you to lose weight. If you want you can message us off anon!!!

*hugs*

mod laina

[cinlat]

He is a Jedi. 

Caldus stares at himself in the mirror, testing the weight of the brown robes that Kadu assured him are ornamental and not a required uniform. Given that his new Cathar brother lounges most of the time in a pair of loose shorts and nothing else, Caldus is inclined to believe him. In battle, Kadu wears armour.

Caldus leans his palms against the counter and shakes his head. No, these robes do not suit him. Shrugging off the outer robe, Caldus strides to the closet in the room that he shares with Kadu, though the Cathar spends most of his time in medcenters these days. A glint catches his eye when he reaches for a hanger. The same glint that he’s ignored for three months. 

After divesting everything about his formal robes, Caldus squats to study the curved crest of an relic from another life. He reaches for it, palming the domed helmet and bringing it to his face. Caldus has found acceptance here. There are no whispers when he passes. Only open curiosity and the sort of enthusiasm that comes from a building full of scholars.

Caldus senses the bright energy a heartbeat before the door to his shared room opens. Kadu lopes in with his long limbs and an exhausted sigh. The Cathar is two years Caldus’s junior, but his superior in every way. Still, they bare only healthy competition between them where the stakes were caf and pizza instead of life or death.

“I quit,” Kadu groans as he flopps onto his bed, long arms sprawled. “I hereby relinquish my role as healer and join the dregs who lounge on sandy beaches and catch sick waves.”

“No you don’t,” Caldus answers without looking at his friend. They’ve grown close in the short time that has passed. Closer than Caldus thought possible.

As Caldus eases onto his mattress across the room, Kadu rolls onto his side. “No, I don’t. But it’s a nice dream. What’s that?”

Caldus is still staring at the T-shaped visor that signifies a people not unlike his own. “A gift from an old…ally.”

“That’s the one you had the day we picked you up.” Kadu props on one elbow and waves a hand for more. “Come on, tell me a story. I’ve got another rotation in less than an hour and need someone to keep me awake.”

Caldus hunches forward, his mind spiraling towards the past. To a girl with eyes so dark blue that they look black in certain lights. “It’s an inside joke,” Caldus begins, turning the faceplate toward Kadu to display it properly. “A way to own the thing that the Sith used against me."

“Ready to go, partner?” Fynta shoves into his room, her energy crackling like the electricity that Caldus is all too good at summoning. She bounces on her toes, the light catching on the parts of her amour where the paint is scuffed down to the metal. Caldus fumbles for his half-helm, unwilling to be caught without its limited protection from unfriendly eyes. Even hers. Though Fynta has only asked made wild guesses about his species, each more outlandish than the last. Still, she too is training to be Sith. “You realize they are only pairing us in the hopes that one of us doesn’t come back.” Caldus swivels to face her, his sort of friend. She only grins in response. She knows the laws of this world better than him. She’s certainly adapted better. “Which reminds me.” Fynta flounces towards his desk, ignoring the differences in their sizes because it truly makes no difference. They have been equally matched since the second month of training. Each loss suffered from their singular rivalry alone. It sets them apart from their peers, and not always in the best manner. Fynta stops directly in front of Caldus as he rises, her head even with his chest. She cranes her neck, grin stretching wider. “I got you something.” The box makes him step back, instantly wary of what it might hold on the eve of such an important mission. The girl sighs and rips the top off as if offended by his suspicion. She might be. It occurs to Caldus too late that if Fynta plans to kill him, she’d make a spectacle of it. “Here, you oversized beast.” Caldus grunts at the force with which the box is shoved against his torso. Inside rests a helmet with full T-shaped faceplate and large tusks that curve away from the jaw. He lets the box fall away, admiring the craftsmanship that went into this piece. “You like it?” Fynta asks, bouncing on her toes to see over his elbow. “I had my brother commission it from a proper smith.”  'Proper' no doubt means Mandalorian. She carries on, unencumbered by his thoughts. “They worked in extra space and a ventilation system that help mando’ad with your particular…sensibilities.” Claustrophobia. He supposes it’s only natural for smiths of a civilization built around this unique aspects to have one or two among their ranks with inconvenient phobias.  Before Caldus can thank her, Fynta takes the helmet from his hands and plops it onto her head. It wobbles comically, far too big but he appreciates the effort of ensuring him there are no traps. When she removes it, Fynta holds it out, but her fingers only tighten when he takes hold. “Own who you are, Caldus. If they want a monster, give them one.” She lets go, reaching around the curved tusks to place her hand against his chest. “It’s all an act, anyway.”

“Your friend sounds wise,” Kadu yawns, blinking slowly at Caldus from where his arm has slid out from beneath him with his head pillowed on one bicep. 

Caldus snorts. Fynta was a lot of things, but wise had never been one of the many accusations hurled at her. “I left without saying goodbye.” He turns the helmet over so that he’s staring into the faceplate, his reflection warped by the dust of living in the back of his closet. “I often wonder if she would have joined us.”

Kadu rolls onto his back, speaking while he stares at the ceiling. “You should wear that instead of the half-helm.”

Caldus nods, having thought the same thing so many times. It had been fitted to his measurements, though the crafty girl had never admitted to how she’d gotten them. Caldus wore it only once on their mission and the effect had been profound. While Republic soldiers battled valiantly, many surrendered when he came into view. Fynta and Caldus had left those chained together with the relief of fewer deaths on his conscience. 

Afterward, he's put it away. The sense of power it gave him, to have hardened soldiers, med twice his age, cowering before him had been terrifying. Now, he realized what a gift that had been. To detain them instead of murder.

“Is that why you don’t?” Kadu asks, and Caldus is suddenly reminded of their master and the skilled way she wrings answers from people. 

Even knowing what Kadu is doing, Caldus answers with a long sigh. “I’m not sure I deserve to. She gave me a gift that would have changed the way other acolytes viewed me. I repaid her by running away and leaving her to their cruelty.”

When Kadu answers, it is opposite of what Master Carlo would likely say. He rolls back onto his side, head once more propped on his fist. “It sounds like she would call you a coward and probably throw you to the mat again.” The Cathar flashes sharp teeth in a wicked grin, drawing a laugh from Caldus.

“You are surprisingly intuitive my friend.” Caldus takes a deep breath, then settles the helmet over his head. The HUD lights, blinking once then sputtering, before booting up properly. The ventilation fans kick on to provide fresh air when his heart rate kicks up and Caldus reminds himself to breath.

After a moment to acclimate, Caldus faces his friend. “Well, how do I look?”

Huge shout out to @kunoichi-ume who gifted me this set so that Caldus could have his in game tusks! Thank you!

[notesfromthepalace]

Fit and Fine

I am officially 16lbs down Sissy Poohs:

What I have realized is the white girls have been on to something.

You know when you watch early 2000 sitcoms, you know, before the whole body positivity thing and inclusivity thing, when all of the white girls were counting calories. I thought that was crazy but that is what has skyrocketed my weight loss.

Essentially, with the first 7-9lbs lost, I had changed up my diet and started working out again. I was doing well and started seeing progress and then - boom, plateau.

I downloaded the "Lose-It" app that helped me set up a plan based on how fast I want to reach my goal of 165lbs. Essentially, based on how much I workout, with 10k steps a day and eating between 1400-1600 calories, I should reach my goal by October 9th, next month; I'm excited.

I think its definitely feasible since I'm 5lbs away from my goal with about a month left.

Losing weight, eating all three meals a day with a snack feels so much better. The first time I lost weight, I was just starving myself, so I felt like I looked slim, but I my face was drooping and I looked plushy/soft.

Versus now, I look more toned, my face looks chiseled, and honestly, I am fine as hell.

I meal prep 3 boiled eggs (just the egg white chilllllle, I don't want high cholesterol), for lunch, I eat a full fruit jar, abut 14oz, then a small dinner consisting of some type of protein (usually chicken), and either a boiled sweet potato (about 88 calories), a small spinach salad with one tablespoon of Cesar dressing and a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese (about 114 calories) or 1/3 cup of white rice (42 calories). On the weekends I don't workout but I still take Coco for her two mile walk and I am usually still able to obtain about 10k steps a day.

I also indulge in scrambled eggs (one full egg and two egg whites) with cheese, garlic salt, onion and black pepper with bacon. But that meal is so filling what it usually keeps me full for the most part. I also still drink coffee with French vanilla creamer every morning - but no added sugar because the cream alone makes the coffee 420 calories.

That's another thing this app and my journey have taught me - looking at serving sizes and actually calculating the amount of calories are in a meal and how much I am actually eating.

If I am being completely honest, seeing the numbers made me feel like a freaking vacuum.

The above gif is a reference to the rapper Ice Spice calling Cleotrapa (another rapper) a vacuum for eating everything brought to their table at an Italian restaurant.

The first day I used the app I had inputed my breakfast and measured everything: Within an hour I had consumed almost 800 calories, talk about a fat-ass right!!

I love using the app. I also love the fact that I was able to link my Apple Watch so I can accurately get a count of my steps, calories burned in my workouts, how long I stand for, etc.

Make sure you do what works for you. I am one of those people that cute outfits, the color pink, and seeing visual representations of my efforts, are what propels me to go harder and further. I literally only bought my Apple Watch for fitness purposes and made sure the band was pink. I have arm weights that are 1lb I wear around the house while doing chores, the leg warmers to add some spunk to my workout outfits, pink 32oz water bottle, my meal prep jars are pink, did I mention I did pink French tip this week? I think I have made my point.

Lastly, as long as you are reaching your goal in a healthy way, don't allow people to tell you:

"you're fine"

"you look great"

"you need to eat more"

"oh so you wanna be skinny"

"I can't hang around you"

Or whatever the hell else they say. Most people say these things from a place of insecurity because they don't have the determination or disciple to achieve goals that they would love to have - but can't do - and would rather make excuses. If being slimmer and healthier is what makes you happy, do it! Don't listen to the naysayers. They just want you to be miserable like them (jk, but I'm serious).

In all, I am proud of myself this time around where I am learning to create a sustainable healthy lifestyle. It also helps that my boyfriend is literally a gym rate who consumes protein like we breathe air, insane, but helpful.

If you have questions or want to start, please feel free to leave comments, ask questions, dm - or just do your own thing.

I hope this inspired you.

Remember, there's only three month left in the year, meaning nine months until the Summer of 2025. You have more than enough time to get in shape and be a beach babe.

As always,

With love,

Sarah Chanel

P.S.

Once in a blue, I eat a snickers bar

[elaichitea24]

My heart breaks when I come across a page like yours with an owner the age you are because I see myself a decade ago. I would genuinely give my life to stop young me from going down the road I did and it all began with a small ed account similar to yours. I was thirteen then, completely sure this would be something I’d do for a few months and then be done with it. I’m now twenty one. I’m relapsing again. It has never stopped for one second. The voice is always there. There hasn’t been a moment since I created that first account where I have had a healthy thought about food or my body. Over the years, my view of myself has become so distorted that I don’t trust the mirror. I look at myself and am always unsure if I actually look like that. Or if I’m fatter or skinnier. I haven’t worn tank tops or anything with spaghetti straps since I was thirteen. If I wear leggings, I have to wear shirts long enough to cover my thighs. I delete photos from my family’s photo album because I hate how I look. This disorder stemmed from a traumatic incident, but as time as passed and I’ve gotten therapy, I’ve gotten over it, but this disorder lingers on. It sticks on you and takes a mind of its own. I plan my outfits for fancy events weeks in advance. I hate my family’s tradition of taking pajama photos in Christmas because I think I look fat in pajamas. I hate how I dress. I wish I could dress how I want, but I hate myself so much in it that I settle for boring shit. It holds me back from being healthy, authentic, and free. When I first created my account, I too get messages from older people saying the same thing I’m telling you now. And I also ignored them. I didn’t care and thought I wouldn’t let it get “that bad.” But, spoiler alert, just THINKING about starving yourself is “that bad.” My heart aches as I know you are starting a vicious cycle that will steal so much happiness. I wish I listened when I was thirteen. My only regret in my entire life is this disorder. The only thing I wish I could change. It is impossible for me to convey how much it isn’t worth it. You’re young. Delete this account and reach out ASAP. You’re doing this for a deeper reason than just weight loss (probably control). You have time before you’re doomed like me. Because that’s what I am. Doomed. This will always haunt me. I know I’m lucky if you even consider what I’m saying right now and I understand if you respond with a little “thanks but I’m too fat anyway xoxo.” I know you because you are me in the same exact path I was. I look on your account and it’s word for word, post for post, picture for picture of what I did. You don’t realize how much of a kid you still are and it just is heartbreaking watching you suffer. Knowing first hand the pain you’re enduring. There is a way out, but I can’t force you to take it. I can tell you life will be way easier if you get out now, or you can learn the hard way. It’s up to you. But regardless, I am sending all of my love to you. You deserve so much more and I am so sorry for whatever brought you to this state. Please stay safe and please hang in there. You will see this through and it will get better. Keep living❤️

This whole thing is so sweet ☹️ I’m so sry you’ve been suffering so long, I hope you’ll be able to find peace soon. As for getting out of this, I tried recovering for a few months but I couldn’t do it, I found so much more comfort in the control and the hunger. I had fully intended on deleting this account too and I hope one day I will be able to get past this. Thank you so much for the concern though, i can’t lie when I say this thought always plagues my mind.

I really do appreciate this all, it’s very kind. Again, I hope you’re able to get better one day as well <33

[boppiy]

Tips

RULES, RULES, RULES. This is important. You need to set rules for yourself, and if you are truly ana, you will have no problem sticking to them because you are STRONG! Rules are everything. Examples: Don’t eat anything white. Do not, under any circumstances, eat after 6:00. Don’t eat before 3:00. Cut each bite into x amount of pieces, chew x amount of times. Do not eat anything that has over 3 grams of fat. Make your own and keep adding to them.

Ana must be the center of your life.

Drink a full glass of water before you eat and then sip a full glass between bites, you’ll get full much faster. Remember it takes 20 minutes for the brain to realize the stomach is full.

Eat denser food because it feels like more. Light and fluffy foods compact in your digestive tract and you will feel hungry soon after.

Take out only the amount of food you plan to eat and don’t allow seconds.

Think before you eat. Don’t eat while distracted (TV, etc). Stop and consider if you really want to eat that then consciously give yourself permission.

100-calorie meals is better than one 400-calorie meal.

Never eat anything bigger than about a cup, your stomach will expand and you’ll get hungry more. If you need to, eat more frequently, not bigger amounts.

Slim-Fast and other “healthy” bars and shakes have more carbs and calories than in the meal they’re intended to replace. Stay away.

Drink at least a glass of water every hour. It’s better for weight loss to sip throughout the day than to chug a full glass (except before eating, in which case it can make you eat less, or make you slightly nauseous so you don’t want to eat at all). Try keeping a water bottle somewhere you’ll see it a lot, like every 10-20 minutes, and take a drink from it every time you see it/notice it.

Drink up to a shot of apple cider vinegar before eating, it’s supposed to minimize fat absorption. Also speeds metabolism and can help curb cravings. Drinking more than a shot causes a vague nausea which helps suppress appetite.

Ice or gum are good food substitutes. Celery works too if you’re really hungry.

Use small, dark colored plates. Dark blue or black makes you eat less, and smaller plates and utensils cause you to take smaller portions from the start.

Make a list of “bad” foods. Periodically, cross one of the list and pledge to never, ever eat it again. Eventually there will be none left.

Eat in front of a mirror, naked or in underwear if possible. If you can’t, carry a picture of yourself in a revealing outfit and look at it when you want to eat. When you have cravings pinch your fat and look at your problem areas, don’t add to them!

Eat a lot of fiber for digestive health and low calories.

Create a methodical routine for eating. Cut food into tiny pieces, count your bites and the number of times you chew, set your utensils down between bites, and sip water between bites. Add other rules or rituals of your own.

Eat higher-calorie items earlier in the day so you have more time to burn them off; if you eat late eat light or it will be more likely to be stored as fat due to inactivity. Try not to eat too late, sleep burns calories and is a good opportunity to burn fat with little effort. The body must burn through all digesting food before taking energy from stored food (fat).

When you go out, take very little money or only enough to buy whatever non-food item you plan on buying. This will make it harder to buy food on impulse.

Don’t take bites, either from others’ food or while cooking, as the calories add up surprisingly fast and you may not realize how much extra you’re taking in.

Write down everything you eat and its calories. This will make you think before eating and also make you more aware of how much food and calories you are actually consuming. You can also write down other things such as how you’re feeling, who you’re with, place, time, and why you chose to eat it, this will help you track patterns in your eating behavior.

Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you want to eat. Food = pain.

Set a time you cannot eat past. 6:00 or 7:00pm are good choices. This is especially helpful if you are prone to night binging. Then make a rule that you cannot eat before 6:00 or 7:00AM, this is like having a 12-hr fast every day.

You shouldn’t eat for at least 3 hours before going to bed. The extra hours will help burn off the calories. If you eat soon before sleeping, you absorb more calories due to inactivity and you put on weight.

Have a peppermint or peppermint tea. Peppermint decreases hunger.

Brush your teeth when you want to eat. The clean feeling and mint aftertaste will put you off food.

Press on your stomach when it grumbles. TUMS also stop stomach growling and have calcium.(5 calories a piece so be careful!)

Carry a list of all the reasons you want to be thin and avoid food. Look at it when you want to eat to remind yourself why you won’t. Or, write a new list every time you want to eat. It’ll distract you, postpone eating, and thinking of the reasons will inspire you.

[kradogsrats]

So now I can finally return to my true love, the AU rewrite of the Titan Heart arc. I've been wanting to fill in the gaps and post this bit for a while, because it's kind of the culmination of... a lot. Mostly a lot of trying to understand Sarai.

This is right after Harrow and Sarai's duel in "Breaking the Seal," which Lissa witnesses from one of the castle windows.

—

Ezran had slipped into a doze, his soft baby snores rising and falling with his small chest. Lissa lifted him off the blanket and stood, moving to sit beside Sarai on the couch. "Can I ask what's wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"You didn't seem happy when we saw you down there with King Harrow."

Sarai looked at her quizzically. "'We'?"

"Well, I don't know how much of it Ezran caught," Lissa clarified, "but I'm sure he was rooting for you."

"He'd better, if he knows what's good for him," Sarai chuckled, then sighed. "It's... a difference of opinion. I don't like setting out with the intent to take a life. I don't think I ever will. Not even a life others would deem monstrous. Not even to save ourselves."

Lissa looked down at Ezran, now asleep in her arms. She imagined him shriveled and gaunt, his healthy chubbiness melted away. The lively bloom in his cheeks gone dull and gray. His contented burbling changed to weak, thin cries.

"What else can we do?" she said quietly.

"I don't know. I wish I did."

She handed Ezran over, careful not to wake him. Sarai's face softened as he shifted sleepily. Lissa could tell her thoughts were moving along the same path as her own had—imagining the pain of watching helplessly as a child wasted away in a slow death. A death that they could have been spared.

"I suppose I'm just wishing things were different," Sarai said, after a moment. "Either that we didn't have to make decisions like this, or for Harrow to at least be less cavalier about it. He's so intent on the virtues of this solution that he's not considering all its ramifications.

"We have so many plans, Lissa—plans to make things better in real, lasting ways, for everyone. Plans that would shore up the foundations of the entire Pentarchy, and build a future on top of something solid. Now I worry that he'll abandon those plans the minute some magical quick fix is able to plaster over the cracks."

"King Harrow's not like that. He wants to do what's best—he won't just settle for whatever is easiest." Lissa tried a smile, knowing it was probably half-hearted and lopsided. "And if he does, you can always flatten him in the sparring ring."

"That's true." Sarai returned the smile, but it faded quickly. Her gaze slid away from Lissa's face. "It's unfair of me, but I suspect some of how he's behaving now is because of Viren."

Lissa paused, seized by the sudden, desperate wish for her husband to be there, alive and with them. He'd be in the thick of things, for sure—researching spells with Kpp'Ar, or bickering over siege weaponry with Sarai, or simply taking some of the weight from King Harrow's shoulders in the way only his presence could. His loss had left them all weaker.

"He was as much an idealist as King Harrow, in his way," she said quietly. "He truly believed magic, given the chance, would be the way to a better world. They were close for a long time—it wouldn't be surprising for that to influence the way his majesty thinks, sometimes."

She hesitated, wondering if she should reveal more, then chose to press on. "Did you know that he grew up with nothing? When he went to Kpp'Ar, he only had the clothes on his back."

"I didn't. He never talked about his childhood—not in front of me, at least."

"No, of course not. To hear him tell it, you'd think he sprang full-grown from King Harrow's footprints." Lissa shook her head ruefully. "Stubborn man. He didn't even talk to me about it until I was pregnant with Soren.

"His mother was all he had, and she worked herself into an early grave providing for the two of them—she died only a few years after he left home. She was able to keep them both fed, but only just."

Sarai saw what she was getting at. "And in a famine, they would have gone hungry."

They both knew the bulk of widespread deprivation was always borne by the poor, the orphaned, those enduring illness or disability, the outcasts—all the people who already scraped by with so little. Scarcity would make prices rise, and the wealthy would continue to pay them. Those who could not would go without.

"All those plans you have are part of what makes the two of you truly great rulers," Lissa said gently. "You have a noble vision, and more importantly, you have the patience and will to make it a reality—but you're not gods. No throne has the power to gather up all of a kingdom's suffering and distribute it fairly."

"I know you're right," Sarai said, sighing, "but I wish you weren't."

They both fell silent. Sarai looked down at Ezran, who gurgled softly in his sleep. Lissa leaned slightly against her, shoulder to shoulder, wanting to offer some sort of comfort. After a moment, Sarai leaned against her in return, sighing again.

"I never went into a battle wanting to kill," she said, still looking down at Ezran. "Even knowing I was leading soldiers to their deaths—soldiers I knew had parents, siblings, even spouses and children—I always went in wanting as many of us as possible to go home safely, on both sides.

"There's no amount of killing that can save everyone." She looked to Lissa, her face serious. "But I'm going to make sure Harrow comes home. If he won't come home until he has this creature's heart, then I'll make sure he gets it."

"And keep him alive, if he decides to be a noble, brave idiot?"

"His usual self, you mean?" Sarai cracked a smile. "Yes. It might as well have been in our wedding vows."

Not for the first time, Lissa wondered if she would have stopped Viren, had she known what he planned. Would she have let him trade his life for Soren's, if he hadn't robbed her of the choice? Was it a choice she would ever have forgiven him for giving her?

“Then I’m going, too,” she declared.

Sarai drew back to look at her in surprise. "You?"

“I’m Del Barian, remember—I can ride, and I can shoot. I've brought down big game. I may not be a soldier, but I'm hardly helpless.”

"I'd never doubt it," Sarai countered, "but you're also all your children have. You shouldn't risk—"

"And who will Callum and Ezran have, if you and King Harrow don't come back?" Lissa demanded, cutting her off. “This was all my idea. It’s not right for you two to take all the risks while I stay behind.” She fell silent for a moment, then sighed unhappily. "Besides, you'll have your hands full, with him. Someone will have to look after Kpp’Ar."

[d13tc0kehe4d]

things ive noticed since losing 15kg

- my fingers fit around most of my forearm and people will jokingly check if theirs do and tell me my arms are so tiny

- visible ribcage all the time!! hipbones and collarbones very visible too

- had people buy me food a few times because they didn't think i was eating enough

- SO many more compliments oh my god

- less acne/breakouts

- get drunk so much quicker tho which. can be a good thing depending on your perspective since you spend less going out lmao

- everything just looks better on me. clothes that hug my body dont give me a stomach bulge, they accentuate my waist. low rise jeans hang at my hipbones

- dropped 3 sizes and icl to you when you find clothes in your size they're just so much cuter than stuff above a medium. i dont feel insecure buying secondhand anymore

- people want to eat like me. i usually bring in healthy food and i never eat sugary food, only drink like. monsters and diet coke and black coffee. i get a lot of "oh i wish i could eat that, i just like fries too much" or "oh i know the regular coke is all sugary but i just can't change to the diet one!"

- people. get. jealous. there's a girl in my class who wants to lose weight but goes on about toxic diet culture and unhealthy weight loss and she is constantly talking about how im so small and she wishes id get a bag of fries like the rest of us so i didnt look so tiny.

- generally just healthier. my college has all my classes on the 4th floor and its 8 flights of stairs up or you can take the lift and i will literally never take the lift and have no issues going up the stairs

it's so hard to get to this point, it's so frustrating to maintain and i do want to lose until 38kg, but i've already noticed so many differences. people do notice, and you might not even see it in yourself, but others will.

[lunaprincipessa]

ENTRY THIRTY-SIX

Struggling a lot lately with the thought and feeling of being broken. What exactly is it though? I can feel it through and through but putting into words is something else. I looked up a random definition. It said:

"People who feel emotionally broken have low self-esteem and tend to be unhappy. You may feel hopelessness or in despair. Perhaps you feel inadequate or unworthy of love. Of course, none of these things are true, but they are common for people who believe they are broken."

That's pretty much how I would describe what I'm going through. I don't have a healthy self-image and any joy I come across in life is often overshadowed by fear and sadness. There is disparity and hopelessness because... what if it's too late? I feel inadequate in a lot of aspects in life and yes, I feel unworthy of love most of the time despite how badly I wish and long for it. As far as the definition goes, is that it? I looked up another definition. It said:

"The terminology of "broken soul" may refer to someone experiencing mental or emotional instability due to their life experiences or past trauma. Signs of a "broken soul" include someone who wants to be alone, has low self-esteem or self-worth, and may feel unworthy of being loved."

Ok, so there's a little more detail, and one that I also resonate with. On a more philosophical side, I believe the flesh can be broken but not the soul. That's a whole other entry though. Continuing on... I admit to, and acknowledge my mental and emotional instability due to life experience and trauma. About 80% of my life so far has been rotten between physical abuse, rape, getting stolen from, being cheated on, an immense amount of loss (both loved ones and sentimental items), betrayal, working hard since the age of 14 yet having nothing to show for it, and circumstances beyond my control robbing me of much needed life-changing opportunities. That's just to name a few.

Life has not been easy for me, amongst millions of others that have experienced the same thing. True, no one said life would be fair, but no one warned us about how severely it can beat you down, doesn't matter if you're a good person. In fact, being a good person only guarantees you'll suffer more than the average. I do want to be alone but that's because of trust issues. I want a significant other, I want friends, I want that sense of community more than anything else but I've been hurt so damn much, I don't even know if I can trust it when it does come around. It's a very lonely and exhausting thing to go through. Again with the self-esteem and self-worth, to which I have none.

I feel as though middle age and being a single mother has caused me to lose value as a human being. American society certainly doesn't help with its hatred against single mothers and the passiveness toward the men who abandoned their families. I know I can love and care for someone, but am I even worthy of it in the first place? This is my struggle, the battle I fight with an unsharpened sword and a cracked shield. I was never prepared for what I endured, or the aftermath afterward.

These are the definitions I found searching for just that, "broken person definition," or "what makes a broken person?" What if I changed the key words in the search? How about, "how do I know if I'm broken?" It said:

"Feeling overwhelming sadness, stress, or having altered eating or sleeping patterns are common in people who express feeling broken or after something traumatic had happened. Some people report feeling physical symptoms, such as body aches and digestive issues."

Yes to all unfortunately. The sadness and stress is immobilizing to say the least. Makes me want to give up and lose interest in general. The trauma and the unmedicated ADHD is forever fucking with my eating and sleep patterns. Some days, I can't be bothered with solid food if I forget, if l don't care, or if the lack of self-esteem internally screams insults at me, causing unhealthy weight loss. Our generation didn't have the body positively that younger women have today. The aches, the exhaustion, the stomach issues... all gifts from trauma and a rough fuckin life. Thanks. 😑 As if the experiences themselves weren't enough to go through, here comes life with a handful of salt for the open wounds.

I keep going though. I just pick up the broken pieces and I keep going. I have no idea what the future holds or if there's really any point to anything but I keep going. I have to. We gotta fight for our kids and we gotta outlive our enemies. Because that is the real revenge against anything or anyone that ever tried to hurt us, thriving.

More thoughts later.

[blaiddydbrokeit]

Aaaanyway on a more serious note,

THINGS I LEARNED THAT HELPED ME KICK MY DISORDERED EATING IN THE ASS: BMI EDITION

-BMI thresholds are arbitrarily harsh. There is some wiggle room both ways for what is too little and what is excess for almost everyone. How much wiggle room one has is unique to them, and affected by genetics. Very few people perfectly fit in the metric.

-BMI is used for gauging the height-to-weight ratio trends of a whole population, not individuals. (See above for why)

-Obesity is real, but that it should be characterized by significant excess of adiposity that can be traced to reduced quality of health and life rather than strictly by the number on the scale.

-On the flip side, signs of significant or prolonged undernourishment (looking at you, hair loss, "keto breath" and "can't lay down on bed because it bruises me") means you need more, BMI be damned even if you're at a supposedly "healthy" BMI.

-BMI is a horrible way to diagnose EDs because EDs are disorders of mental health, not disorders of weight. Weight can be a presentation factor, but the key is the disordered mentality. If your psychiatrist ever simply tells you "you're too heavy to have an ED" when you try to raise concerns without assessing anything else and it makes you spiral wanting to starve yourself harder and worsens your relationship with food, change psychs because that's malpractice.

-BMI is built on a small range of population diversity (read: White European Men Of Relatively Specific Builds) and then rounded down into nice numbers and then using that to retrofit for other ethnicities by "relative risk" and then rounding it to a nice whole number again. If you've ever been taught not to do double rounding in school, you'll know why this doesn't work - it's going to skew your accuracy, and BMI was, again, used to gauge trend. Trend is relative, but tying it to hard numbers and calling it an accurate image of the reality is just wrong.

-If your quality of life improves with a bit of extra weight (within reason) or if you need that bit of extra for your health (e.g. you're chronically ill and it is a good buffer for when you have flare ups and can't eat, and helps you bounce back after) you do it. The computer will always spit out the math and sort you into bins based on hard thresholds and it might flag someone whose BMI is 0.1 too high for "normal" range who is in reality thriving and tell them to lose weight, and it might ignore someone who is still 0.1 in the normal range who might have been experiencing abnormally rapid weight gain that they need investigations for. Or say, it could flag someone who is 0.1 into the underweight threshold who could be perfectly healthy, and doctors would try to tell them to gain weight.

-Also, weight fluctuations day to day mean that chances are if you are near one of the thresholds, you could swing between each side of it within hours of the same day. Not great for an obsessive mind.

-Asian BMI charts are also kind of skewed in the way that its lower thresholds also influence the East/Southeast Asian beauty ideal. Remember those Japanese weight loss ads where the after images were all labelled around ~35kg (77lbs)? Yeah. Or the trend of Chinese women wearing child-sized shirts as crop tops to show off how slim they are? Or the A4 paper waist trend? All bullshit. Nothing beautiful about being so obsessively thin and fragile you can't even be anything but a display porcelain doll without breaking.

Of course, all these points are being said because I used to obsess so hard about the actual number on the scale and the BMI chart and like. That didn't help anyone. Lately I've been doing significantly better (appetite's on a roll, I feel great, and honestly finally really learning to love my body rather than abuse it into thinness through undernutrition) and I figured these were the things I reflected on along the way.