#when you do that more people start getting diagnosed because people are better at recognizing it now

[inbabylontheywept]

So: You have depression.

I'm 27 now. The last time I had a major depressive episode was when I was 16. I still have depressive episodes every now and then, but the worst tend to be a month, and most I can generally get through them in about a week. It took me a while to kind of figure out how to handle depression as a recurring thing, and so I thought I'd make a little welp-I-got-diagnosed-now-what guide.

So, first part of the guide: When I first got depressed, I thought that depression was the terrible, sad hopeless feeling that I had. It isn't. That terrible sad hopeless feeling is a symptom of prolonged depression. By the time I get to that point, I'm pretty well cooked and it takes a lot longer to bounce back. Avoiding getting to that point is a vital part of living with depression.

So what does depression feel like?

I am going to hammer this point home a lot of times while writing this: Depression is an anesthetic. It is not felt as a presence, but as an absence. The first absence, for me at least, is when life stops being fun. Every movie feels boring, I can't get more than a few pages into any book, and everything just seems... bland.

This is the best point to catch it at. I have found that consumptive patterns of entertainment do not do anything to help depression. Some people have told me that producing art at this time really helps them, but personally, I can't imagine trying. Instead, I just do tasks that I know inspire physical satisfaction. Which sounds like jerking off (I don't actually reccomend that route) but really means things like: Going for a walk in the sunshine. Working out. Cleaning the house in a fairly exhaustive way. Scrub the baseboards, wash the sink, clear the fridge, etc.

I recognize that doing those is really, really hard while depressed because depression causes physical weakness and exhaustion. The best I can do is, unfortunately, encourage vigillance. If you suspect you're getting into a funk, start on this before you get really deep into the mire. People that get into the mire can get out, but it's not self-help read-a-book type shit, it takes therapy and medication and patience and it is so much easier and cheaper and faster to just avoid letting it get that bad then crawling out once it's sunk its teeth into you.

I have found that for things that work almost by exposure alone, spending time in the sun and talking to people are borderline magical, with the caveat that talking to people about being depressed tends to make things worse instead of better. Talking about anything that cuts through the anesthetic of depression is ideal, or if it's sunk in deep enough that you're having trouble finding anything, talking to someone else about what they're passionate about. Ideally, you'd find someone passionate about a thing you know you're passionate about but are struggling to enjoy right then, and then you'd just let your mirror neurons run amok. Bonus Points

So, you're already depressed. Like, pretty fucking depressed, and you fucked up, and you let it slide. What then?

This is my I-Fucked-Up-And-Got-Big-Sad, Salvage-My-Weekend, depression routine. You'll need to make one for yourself at some point, and yours will work better for you, but this is mine and I think it'll work okay-ish for you. Until you get your own, at least.

I have to get up before 10 am. Staying in bed later than that gives the depression such a huge head start on my day that I just basically can't catch up. If I can't just brute force get myself out of bed, I will throw my blankets and sit cold on my sheets until that gives me the motivation I need. If I cannot work up the guts to throw my blankets, I will actually roll off the bed, flop gracelessly onto the floor, and then stare wistfully up until I can will myself to stand. It helps that every bedroom I've had either had freezing cold tile, or itchy coarse carpet. If you have a comfy floor, maybe buy a very scratchy rug? I cannot emphasize how important this step is. It's like, half of the whole thing.

After getting up, immediately go outside and sit in the sunshine. This provides free executive function, and getting it ASAP will make everything go much smoother.

Talk to someone while outside. If you have a roommate, they work great. Face to face conversations tend to be the best, but phone calls with loved ones are like at least 80% as effective. Calls to family members tend to be better than in face conversations with acquaintances or people you're mostly ambivalent about. Don't do chat messages. Worse than nothing.

This should have scrounged up enough free energy that you can clean something. I always start by trying to clear a part of my counter off. If that's all I got, that's all I got, and I still feel good about it. If that inspires me to do more, I'll run with it until a whole room is up to snuff. I don't do more than one room while I'm this crispy: The goal is not really to clean the house, but to work through a series of tasks that require some initial level of executive function but provide a larger amount back once completed. Life has a lot of these deals that are like, give me $10 and I'll give you $12, give me $12 and I'll give you $20, on and on, and the hard part is really just getting the $10. Some people wake up with $10. Most days, you will wake up with $10. But not when you're like this. You're gonna have to earn it. I'm sorry.

I am going to reiterate: This is what I do when I feel a funk coming on. My life and my schedule are not always this regimented. Living with depression doesn't mean never sleeping until 10, or having a weekend where you don't talk to someone, or take a break from cleaning. Living with depression just means never, ever, leaning into the depression when you feel it coming on. Even when it starts out feeling cozy. Even when you want to just snuggle into it and sleep and sleep and sleep. The first day or two will feel luxurious, and the next week will feel terrible, and the longer you wait the harder it will be to get out. You are always going to have to worry about that. Again, I'm really, truly sorry.

Bonus Bonus Points

I am not a psychologist, but I do have a theory about why depression exists. Remember how I said it's anesthetizing? I think that's what it's there for - getting rid of emotional pain when it isn't being helpful. People often get depressed after a major injury. Boredom is normally nature's way of punishing you for just curling up and doing nothing, but depression can be the emergency override on boredom. It makes sense for you to sit still and do nothing while your body is healing, so maybe nature temporarily removes all your motivation with depression and then just lets you be a limp noodle until you're healthy again. Maybe?

Back to the emotional level, though, depression might also be a way to muffle pains that would otherwise be so intense that people might not remain in control of the faculties. The pain of losing a parent is notorious for driving people so mad with pain that they ruin their lives, but depression is there to at least try and keep us sedated until the nadir has passed.

It is helpful to know what the purpose of depression is, because you will eventually get it from an "intended" cause, and reflexively fighting it then probably isn't good for you. And at the very least, knowing why this stupid thing exists makes the world feel like less of a cruel place.

There are a lot of interesting studies on the physical effects of depression - things like muscle weakness, increased pain tolerance, muscle relaxation, etc. that I won't go into, but it does so many things at once that it almost doesn't feel like a fuck up, but a feature that we just kind of lost the plot on. Not gonna deep dive on it, but it is something that probably shouldn't be confined to just a mental disorder.

[cushfuddled]

When I first started shoveling Jayvik fanfic into my mouth a month and a half ago, I was shocked and delighted at the avalanche buffet of top Viktor and dom Viktor content. But I've started to feel like the detective who kneels down and touches some footprints in the dirt like, "Something happened here..."

Because I can't remember the last time I saw a fanon concept become...so ubiquitous? Even in fics where Viktor bottoms, he's a power bottom/topping from the bottom. Spotting a fic with an overwhelmed sub bottom Vik in the Ao3 tag feels a bit like the moment a snow leopard graces your Himalayan trail cam.

I DO NOT mean to suggest anyone "should" write more inexperienced/bottom/sub Viktor! It's just...as someone who likely missed whatever ancient discourse might've plagued the Arcane fandom years hence, I've been through this fandom song and dance enough times to recognize the smell of...what say, capital-O Obligation.

I just want people to know they can write whatever kind of fanfic they want. That's the point of this post. I hope someone somewhere reads this and feels emboldened to let loose/goof off/get freaky/whatever.

Because I can see why people would feel Obligated to portray Viktor as a top/dom/the sexually experienced one. He's physically disabled and chronically ill. Ableism so often takes the form of paternalism and infantilization. There's this pervasive notion that disabled people don't have sex. People think we're too "pure" for sex, or assume we're "undesirable" as romantic partners/that our physical or mental disabilities would make sex impossible. With that cultural context, it's a radical act for so many people to come together and choose to portray Viktor—a disabled, terminally ill man who struggles with suicide ideation—as a sexually experienced top.

One of the hardest things about being disabled/ill is the lack of control. You can't plan for the future; you don't know whether your pain levels will be better tomorrow or demand another trip to the ER; your life is totally in the hands of overworked doctors who don't care about you. So it feels kind of like an act of reclamation to put Viktor in a dominant position. In a safe, sane, consensual arrangement, all parties have control over the situation, but with topping and/or domming comes the Role of authority/power. Making Viktor an experienced, sly top/dom gives back Viktor's autonomy and agency.

So yeah. I get why this trend is pervasive within the fandom! It's fantastically subversive. I just hope nobody feels like they HAVE to fall into this dynamic.

I remember a Tumblr post from years ago where someone described the drawbacks of a supposedly "feminist retelling" of Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty, wherein the heroin saves herself by her own strength and wits. This, I would argue, is a perfectly fine story to tell...but its lack of intersectionality betrays a shallow definition of feminism. In casting those retold fairy tales in a feminist, "empowering" light, one ignores the realities of the people who found escapism in those helpless damsels.

In a paradoxical way, when my MCAS knocked me flat on my ass for two years, I was always out of control of my life AND forced to take control all the time. All those overworked, traumatized, apathetic doctors meant I had to be my own patient advocate. I had to do my own research; figure out which treatment plans made the most sense; find doctors who took my insurance and could see me within six months; argue with Medicaid when they didn't want to pay for one of the drugs I'd been prescribed; find new and creative ways to feed myself when my body reacted like it was allergic to everything other than water and Cheerios. And god, I had to self-police myself all the time. At the doctor's office, you have to look sick enough that they believe you when you say you're hurting, but you don't want to seem TOO sick because the desperation will make the doctor diagnose you with "hysterical woman" (or they'll just assume you're fishing for drugs). At home, you want to project some amount of strength so you don't worry your loved ones or make yourself too much of a "burden." (You also don't want to have to manage other people's anxiety on top of your own.) My disability (autism) and chronic illness (MCAS) are invisible, but I imagine there's a lot of masking that goes into navigating public spaces with a visible disability/illness, too.

So...when everything's this constant battle for control—when you're forced to project strength every day regardless of your pain level—of course some people are going to find relief in stories where they're allowed to shut down. I think it's important to let disabled characters be vulnerable and overwhelmed and even dependent on someone else, because as often as disabled and chronically ill people are infantalized, so too are we expected to "overcome" our disabilities/illnesses through miracles of resilience and cunning. We're pushed to perform strength, cheer, and "normalcy" for the public, who find our disabilities "sad" and "uncomfortable." Every time someone refuses to put on a mask, or a relative tells us to simply get more exercise, or a politician rails against "wellfare queens," or a bus route gets cut or a bench gets removed or our doctors hand-wave our symptoms, our world reinforces the message that we are Too Much; that our needs are exorbitant, our very existence a drain on society. So many of us throw ourselves into self-sabotaging grasps at independence. We work ourselves far past our limits to prove we aren't a burden on society. We refuse help just to maintain that tiny sense of control over our lives.

I find it deeply comforting to read stories where ill and disabled characters are...allowed to be helpless, I guess. To break the fuck down and let someone else finally take the reigns for a while—to lift some of that burden off their shoulders. I love when ill and disabled characters trust someone enough to take off that heavy armor, revealing the pain and weakness beneath the facade they were forced to take up to survive, and are rewarded with warmth and reassurance and care.

At a certain point...is it not a little ableist in itself, to restrict a disabled, chronically ill character to one specific role? To essentially lock them out of a position where they're allowed to relinquish control and be taken care of?

In essence,

Disabled and chronically/terminally ill people are not a monolith. As I always say, what offends one person will uplift another. It's an uncomfortable reality, but there's really no such thing as perfect representation. I think part of intersectionality is being willing to accept that multiple things can be true at once, because everyone's lived reality is different. It's absolutely fine to prefer one trope over another. But if I find a fanfic offensive or uncomfortable, I can always click the back button with the knowledge that there's almost certainly someone out there who'll find that same so-called problematic content empowering. Whether fic writers prefer top Viktor, power bottom Viktor, bottom Viktor, switch Viktor, sub Viktor, dom Viktor, experienced Viktor, virgin Viktor, omega vs. alpha Viktor, and every niche in between...I just hope they go where their heart tells them and write what they want.

[psychologicalwarclaire]

Ninjago Team Medic Headcanons

Wu gave them all basic first aid training, and later taught them some more advanced techniques, but I think everyone has their own specialties.

Kai - Kai treats the serious injuries. He’s the only one who can cauterize wounds, if needed. But other times, he can splint broken or sprained limbs with ease. Kai is the closest thing the ninja have to an official medic. His protectiveness led to many sleepless nights watching videos ranging from treating muscle soreness, to burns, to CPR, to live surgeries. 

Jay - Good at treating injuries during missions, but is prone to… unorthodox methods. If you need something dealt with fast, he is the guy. Accidents in the junkyard and his time on the Misfortune’s Keep taught him how to quickly patch up anything out of almost any material. His methods of sloppy stitches, makeshift bandaging, or increasingly strange ways to prevent infections are temporary solutions, but they’ll keep you alive long enough to get real help. He’s always got fun bandaids stashed somewhere. But in terms of moral support, he’s your guy. Jay is a master of distraction, keeping the others either chuckling or groaning with his jokes while he or someone else works. When he gets very stressed, however, he’ll be dead silent as he treats the wound, looking on with a clenched jaw.

Nya - Nya is the best of everyone at traditional first aid. Before she was a ninja, she did a lot of the patching up after missions, so she’s got lots of experience. Nya is also so good at treating burns that it’s like her second elemental power; back in the day, her inexperienced brother had many blacksmithing accidents in the forge. It’s been established that she can’t access water inside of people’s bodies (cough, water in Jay’s lungs, cough), but if the blood is outside of you… It’s not quite bloodbending, but she can keep her team from bleeding out. She is also helpful during times of rest and recovery, keeping everyone drinking plenty of fluids and threatening them to take it easy. She’s an expert in heatstroke and dehydration because her stupid ninja forget to drink water on a daily basis. 

Cole - Cole’s big hands and strength make it difficult for him to treat delicate injuries like stitching someone up, but if you need a joint popped back into place or a broken bone set, he is absolutely your guy. Most of what Cole provides to his team’s wellbeing is emotional. He gives the best hugs. Kai and Jay utilize his calming presence when dealing with more… tricky wounds. Also: as mud is nature’s sunblock, he’s always happy to provide some to prevent his team from getting burned when they inevitably forget sunblock. 

Lloyd - Lloyd still believes in the magic power of bandages. For himself, and for others. Over the years he’s gotten better at recognizing when to use them and when more serious medical attention is required, but he’d still prefer not to have to deal with his injured team. In a situation where someone gets badly injured, usually Lloyd has many different problems to deal with and the other ninja are happy to take things off his plate instead of making him deal with a downed teammate. When it is up to him, he’s no medical expert by any means, but he’ll try his best. Occasionally, he’ll have to use his powers to combat some sort of magical ailment. 

Zane - Do NOT try and get Zane’s help with an injury. You think his ability to access any and all medical knowledge would be useful? WRONG. The guy sees one of his friends injured and practically shuts down. Dislocated joints? Broken bones? Heck no, he needs to leave the room. Catches a glimpse of blood? He is gone. Poor guy once almost started crying when Lloyd got a bloody nose. The whole situation is a mix of him hating to see his loved ones injured, and also being queasy over blood because he doesn’t have any. All those body parts that he doesn’t have are GROSS. The only thing he’s able to help with is diagnosing illnesses and occasionally pointing out concussions. Even then, it gets out of hand (“You have a mild cough? MY SOURCES SAY YOU HAVE FIVE DAYS TO LIVE.”) After treatment, however, he’s always ready to provide an instant ice pack and physical therapy. 

Pixal - Pixal is eager to help. Do not let her help. Her solution to almost everything-- whether it be a skinned knee or fractured wrist-- is amputation. She has spent years building so many backup prosthetics and just wants to be useful (“please let me implement my prosthetics, Kai, please! Lloyd would look so good with a robot arm!’). She knows hundreds of different options but she feels more comfortable working on machines, so what’s her solution? Cut it off, install a machine. That she can work with. Luckily, the ninja deal with both of the nindroids by having Zane keep her away, successfully distracting both of them from bloody situations. 

[zebulontheplanet]

People often ask me what my autism regression with Catatonia looks like and what was it like.

I’ve always known something was wrong. Before, I was working. I worked at a local fast food chain, and started having issues. I found it harder to mask, I found I was having more sensory issues, I found I was having meltdowns nearly everyday because of it. I was so confused. What was happening? I didn’t feel burnt out.

On top of that, I started having episodes that I thought were seizure activity but weren’t quite making sense. I’d freeze and not be able to move for minutes to hours. It was debilitating but not yet serious enough that and I thought maybe it was a shutdown or something like that.

I quit my job. It was becoming too much for me. I was no longer doing the right things, I was constantly overwhelmed and frustrated with myself. I could no longer work without supports, and my job wasn’t willing to give me those supports. So I quit.

After I quit, I felt like things started happening so quick. I started unmasking both willingly and unwillingly, I could no longer mask and that itself was overwhelming. I started losing skills. I was no longer able to bathe myself without intense prompting, and I was no longer independent with my IADLs and needed constant care and help. Not to mention my physical health started to decline. I started having more and more of those episodes of freezing, but just sorta shrugged it off.

Over time, my masking became basically nonexistent, I was stimming ALL. THE. TIME. Just to keep myself regulated. My sensory issues were out of control. I was no longer low support needs and started self isolating and felt severely depressed.

My freezing episodes started to get better, but I still needed prompting for basically everything, which was frustrating. I was no longer a person I recognized and it was bad. As time went on, my freezing episodes got worse again, and I started losing all skills you could think of. I struggled to do everything. My speech started declining more, and I started using AAC. Which was a newfound struggle.

I’m now slowly getting better, but I got a name for my freezing episodes now. Catatonia. Diagnosed by a professional who knew exactly what was going on. I’m everyday now trying to gain back the skills I lost and be more independent, but things are slow, and I will probably continue to lose skills just to try and gain them back again and repeat. Things are complicated, and this post doesn’t even say everything I went through and everything I want to say. This is just a baseline.

I’m working on getting better, but with continued regression it’s hard. It’s hard to do things when you need constant care and help. But I’m working everyday, and that’s what matters to me.

[ace-race-ace]

Autistic traits reflected by Max Verstappen - Part 1/?

Next part

DISCLAIMER: this is in no way ‘diagnosing’ Max as autistic. You should not in any way use this post as a reason to start claiming so on Tumblr or any other platform as it can be damaging in many aspects. These are just observations made by me, an autistic person mostly as a sense of comfort in some similar actions/behaviors. It’s fine to discuss and find more instances, but it’s not with an end goal to ‘prove’ anything

I also don’t have sources for everything, but will try to link as many as I can (if others have them, feel free to share them)

Hyper fixation(s)

For autistic people, a hyper fixation is an extreme interest in a certain thing - it can be media, a sport, a hobby, a collection, a certain skill, the list goes on. The particularly is that it tends to take over a lot of their lives/thinking. It’s not just a simple ‘obsession’, it’s something that becomes a primary part of the way you function day to day. Autistic people often ‘impress’ people with an encyclopedic knowledge of a specific topic because once something becomes a hyper fixation, we tend to absorb a lot of information quickly - and it sticks around. It’s also things we are obviously extremely passionate about and will take any free opportunity to indulge.

So what are examples for Max?

Racing, Geography, and Paddle (kinda)

Racing - The most obvious. It’s his full time job and he does plenty of sim racing on the side. What makes it more than just a job? The fact it’s always his number one choice of what to do in his free time. He streams with Team RedLine all the time, often hours before or after his F1 duties. Even partaking in the 24h Nurburgring online race just before the Imola GP. His knowledge of the practical aspects of racing is endless, he can talk about different corners, weather conditions, car models easily without a hitch.

While other driver take their time off to do various other activities and visit new places, Max more often than not goes back to racing and is happy to do so. It’s not just an obsession, because obsessions tend to become damaging and keep people away for living their lives. No, for Max, racing is his life and he wouldn’t be as happy to do anything else.

Geography - this one seems to be one he’s held from childhood. Again, many people enjoy learning about the world and different flags but there’s a difference between being casually interested and the hyper fixation level. Usually, people can learn to recognize flags and may have it as a bit of a random party trick. Max on the other hand says he had posters of the world map in his childhood bedroom and would spend hours learning all of them. Watching his grill the grid video where he needs to point out every track is extremely impressive, he gets them all right without hesitation. Some of the other drivers were good too, but made some mistakes, but those mistakes didn’t really matter much to them at the end of the day. Max on the other hand was extremely careful about making sure he had everything right - a huge autistic trait. Any geography related question, Max has an answer. There was even a video where he had to read a geography question for Checo off of a card and got jokingly mad the question wasn’t given to him (link-50 secs in)

Everyone knows him as the geography nerd, but at the same time, it’s not like he ‘studied’ it. Autistic people are often able to retain an incredible amount of information in one subject without really putting in a lot of effort, it just sticks around. And that information is often then part of info dumping where an autistic person just rattles on about the subject when given the opportunity. Max is seen doing this in multiple other interviews.

Paddle - I would classify this as a sort of small hyper fixation because obviously he doesn’t spend as much time doing it but the intensity is still there. Everyone knows about Max’s infamous 11 rackets he bought in hopes to become better (failing miserably). Just that makes his interest not very typical. Most people trying a new sport might get some fancy equipment and end up not really using it but 11 rackets??? There is literally no logic as to why Max would need that many unless he went pro 🤣 this lines up with the autistic tendency to get attached to something really quickly and start indulging in it with no rhyme or reason.

It’s also an activity he can share with other people. Autistic people are often mistaken to always want to be left alone but the truth is we often actually really crave human connection because of how lacking it can be in our lives. So if all of a sudden it seems everyone is getting into this one thing, in this case paddle, we can often get in over our heads and get very intense about it very quickly in hope to share a connection.

———————————————————————————

Unchanging Habits

For many autistic people, a sense of control is very important. We like everything to work according to plan. Plus there is a big sense of ‘if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it’ in many of our habits. This can be in the form of favorite foods/drinks, clothing, planning our time etc. Again, neurotypical people obviously have favorites, but it’s often not a this or nothing situation like it is for autistic people. They might look for an alternative, but many autistic people would rather have/do nothing if it isn’t their regular habit.

Examples for Max - Food, Gin and Tonic, Red Bull kit

Food (carpaccio and tomato soup) - Max always has the same answer when asked about his favorite food, carpaccio and tomato soup. Most people will have favorite foods but their answer may vary over time as they try more things. This tik tok shows how unchanging his answer is. Autistic people often have what is called “safe foods” that they will enjoy eating at anytime and it seems this is the case for Max too.

He also mentions it again in a recent interview

Gin and Tonic - a lot of people know that this is Max’s favorite drink. Now if you think, have you ever heard him talk about any other drink? Many of the other drivers even point out how attached he is to the drink. Same as the food, most people shift around what they may enjoy but autistic people will usually stick to what they know they enjoy.

I don’t know the favorite drink of any other driver but we know about Max love for Gin and Tonic because he constantly brings it up. It’s also a very simple drink that most if not all places will offer so it’s also a ‘safe’ favorite to have. It takes away the possibility of having to choose something else. Additionally, it’s also a very ‘bland’ drink that doesn’t taste like much apart from gin. Autistic people tend to prefer simple taste in order to avoid sensory overload.

Red Bull kit - this is another thing people love to point out about Max, the fact he’s nearly always in his Red Bull kit. Obviously he’s not one of the ‘fashionistas’ of the grid but he takes it to an extreme. He always comes into the paddock in the Red Bull kit. Other drivers often vary between team kit, sponsor clothes or regular outfits, but Max never does! He’s also seen wearing the Red Bull stuff outside of the paddock/race weekends, people often laughing at the fact he’s always wearing the kit even at other events. Even in his free time during paddle matches and twitch streams, he’s often wearing some kind of Red Bull branded clothes. Again, many other drivers often wear their team gear (it’s part of their job) but outside of the race weekend, they all wear their regular clothes. Yet for Max, it’s an in-joke within his fans to be shocked whenever he isn’t wearing Red Bull merch.

Clothing choice is quite important for autistic people. Different textures/colors/cuts can be uncomfortable so sticking with something we are familiar with is extremely common. In Max’s case I actually suspect it’s more about the avoidance of choice. Making small decisions like what to wear can be very stressful as an autistic person so just sticking to one outfit/type of clothes is simply just the obvious choice.

It could also be a sort of comfort item in wearing something that is so integral to who you are. For example, since F1 has become my hyper fixation, I always have some kind of F1 related thing on me. It gives me comfort and shows to others a part of me that is extremely important. For Max, Red Bull has been his entire career in F1, his life wouldn’t be the same without them, so constantly repping them could also be a pert of that

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I have alot more observations that I will continue to release to my blog

Lots of love to everyone 🫶

[copperbadge]

If you could buy Tumblr, would you?

Hm, an interesting thought!

If I were capable of buying Tumblr this would imply one of two things: either Tumblr is so devalued and has become so cheap to maintain that a single man living in downtown Chicago with two cats to feed could afford to buy it and keep it, or I have somehow come into enough wealth that I am capable of squandering millions on the Hellsite.

(Or I'm running the most incredible con, which is actually the most flattering option.)

If we're talking a situation where Tumblr would cost me roughly the price of a third cat to purchase and maintain, sure. Buy it, keep it like a pet. This is a bit of an unrealistic vision of things, because under what circumstances would this possibly happen, but as long as we're in unreality, let's pretend I could also simply add and remove features at will. That's some fun shit. Sure, I would.

The more realistic option (for a given value) is that I have mysteriously come into a massive sum of money and could afford to purchase Tumblr. In this scenario, I could likely afford to operate it at a loss only for so long, but I don't actually know how much Tumblr costs on a yearly basis to keep it operational. Most of the problems with most social media, however, come from the fact that they don't just have to break even, they have to turn a profit to continue to function, or they have to have regular infusions of venture capital. A thorny issue.

Ideally what I would do once Tumblr was purchased, and presuming all the other share/stakeholders and investors were paid off, was immediately convert it to a nonprofit. What you can do with nonprofit cash is a lot smaller than what you can do with for-profit levels of investment, but turning Tumblr into a nonprofit has the immediate advantage of no longer having to make money. Tumblr can actually run at a "loss" if it's a public service, because it's all donation-supported anyway. I could think of half a dozen immediate easy targets for major gift fundraising for "Tumblr 503", and I would immediately begin planning both an annual campaign (that's what you see Wikipedia and AO3 doing each year) and a capital campaign to create an endowment to protect the org from future depredation.

Depending on funding I would also be willing to create an arm of the Tumblr Foundation that could start separate initiatives like legal protection for activists on the platform, AI that is better at recognizing illegal content so we don't have huge buildings of poor traumatized motherfuckers doing that moderation work, and such things. This isn't at all uncommon -- the nonprofit I work for now is a medical nonprofit, but even as small as we are, we have numerous different initiatives, from political lobbying to pharma outreach to a helpline for the newly diagnosed to a yearly conference for doctors in the field to funding for young researchers.

Would it work? Dunno. Possibly not, I'm not experienced in backend management of a massive website. But I know people who are, and if the money was there I'd take a stab at it. Worst case scenario, we just take it private again and sucker a couple of billionaires out of their money a second time. Promise if the nonprofit doesn't work and we sell Tumblr to the highest bidder, everyone on the site when we do gets a cut.

[gunsli-01]

Hey, personal life update.

Yeah so I started to get to know this person from a fandom if you follow my sideblog you know which one. Ultimately this person and their significant others consistent mistreatment of me made me hate myself talking about milgram or doing anything. I was consistently stressed and anxious around them and in a state of hypervigilence/anxiety for several months. It wasn't just due to these two though. I also had issues in real life before getting involved with this fandom.

That friends know about already and can be picked up on from the ways I discuss media generally. Along with my general concerns when it comes to fandom. However, these people's just overall hopeless and ableist dsposition really only made my situation worse. As one would weaponize or site everyones diagnoses as reasons for their inability to do anything right. In a way that implied to me that nothing could be done about it because, well, you've got x, so it's better to not even try.

Came off as really just accept you're not capable of x because you're y. The other was just a conflict avoidant individual who ghosted me multiple times and left their significant other to speak on their behalf. Who told me and Star to just not talk to them. So that's what Star and I decided to do earlier this week. So why am I saying this. I'm not one to really regret my behavior and in hindsight considering all the personal shit I was going through I can understand why I was being so defensive and antsy about talking about or even doing anything I enjoyed.

Because it wasn't just fandom stuff, I really wasn't enjoying doing anything. Because I didn't know when or how this person would pop up or if things were fine when they'd just go to being shitty again. I do want to note this as a reminder to myself as what not to do in the future. While working out what caused it.

Honestly, the environment was bad, and the only thing I could do was try to get through it. I had no motivation to continue personal projects or share them. This impacted the idea to make videos out of theories, and I generally had no interest in doing anything. Plus, I was very actively suicidal for all those months. However, since having a more open discussion with Star and her looking over the ways these individuals treated me then going oh yeah that's fucking abusive block them.

I really felt unwelcome and at times downright harrassed in the fandom I was involved with. I was incredibly isolated, and whenever I wrote something on the thing, I was made to feel like I was committing a crime. These two didn't say things that made me feel like that, but their actions did things that made me feel worse. So, just noting as a fully grown adult with a good support system how fucking harmful, isolating, and demeaning people online can be. Along with the longterm and unseen impact it can have on a person.

Along with her helping me go through the process of cutting them off. I've been feeling optimistic about talking with others about the things I love and setting boundaries or stating how I would like to be treated. Something I was anxious about doing for a time because when I would state those things, it'd either go ignored or they'd seemingly actively do what I asked them not to in order to test my feelings for them.

I recognize this may just be how I feel about this or perceived it to be. Which is fine they could have a completely different perception. Yet it doesn't change the fact that their actions hurt me regardless of their intent. And I don't need an apology because the best apology to myself is not constantly feeling on edge, waiting for the next shoe to drop or to hear what I did wrong this time. And instead like talk about shit I like with people who don't treat me like trash because they don't know how to not do that.

But yeah, this treatment impacted how I responded to certain events in fandom and my lack of patience with others exhibiting the same behavior in a space I was trying to relax in. Honestly, I did my best in the circumstances I was in, which was under consistent immense stress. So, I'm proud of myself there. I guess I'm just disappointed that people really can just say I love you and treat you like shit. Actively watch how their behavior impacts you and basically celebrate that you're hurting because at least you're hurting together.

Some people really are just assholes to themselves and then perpetuate that treatment on anyone else they happen to run into. Sucks but I'm feeling better.

[you-deserve-to-love-yourself]

New intro post

Hi everyone!! I haven't used this site in almost 3 years (3 years!), but I plan to (hopefully) be a little more active from now on and wanted to make a new intro post because who I am and what I want to use this blog for has changed.

Who I am

I go by Aure (she/her) and I've run this blog since I was 15 (I'm 20 now which is crazy!) I'm Asian-American and am studying neuroscience at my university. I want to become a doctor, specifically a neurologist and treat disorders like seizures or ME/CFS. I am diagnosed with ADHD, autism, depression, and anxiety, and take medications for all of these except autism. My main is @aureshadow.

History of this blog

This is a mental health/self love blog. I started this blog in 2020, about 5 months into quarantine. I was at a very low point in my life--an organization I had been in charge of had dissolved due to internal conflicts. At that time, that org had been the love of my life and the only source of my self-worth, and I fell into a very deep and dangerous depression.

During that time, I had a lot of realizations about myself and my warped perceptions of the world. I realized that I had placed my sense of self-worth on my accomplishments, and that once I peeled back those glorious achievements and titles, I had nothing left. I held a lot of anger at myself, my peers, and the world. I would burst into tears at random points of my day.

I didn't want to feel this way; I wanted to get better. I started using Tumblr around this time, after deleting all my "irl" social media accounts (Instagram, Twitter, etc). I followed a lot of blogs that posted affirmations such as "you are valuable no matter what," and realized that I did derive some sense of comfort from reading these words even if I didn't fully believe them. I realized that I had things to say as well, and maybe it would help other people to read them.

It blew up pretty quickly. I posted a lot of my own thoughts and became friends (ish?) with a lot of other mental health blogs here. I started getting a lot of asks, some of which were pretty personal. In hindsight, as a 16 year old I really shouldn't have been giving some of the advice I was giving on here. But I like to think that some of what I said was helpful.

I logged off of Tumblr in 2022, the summer before I entered college, and did not log back in for almost 3 years.

What I've been up to since

I've been in college and I've been doing well! I went on meds and my mental health has been much better, but I still recognize that I have a long way to go. In 2025 I'm trying to work on showing more empathy, and having candid conversations with people I'm upset with instead of complaining about them behind their backs.

When I started this blog I had essentially zero friends. My life has definitely improved in this department; in college I have a nice group of friends that love and support me. It certainly isn't perfect and sometimes I still get upset with them, but I try my best to communicate and work it out.

I'm doing well in school; medication and accommodations have significantly improved my experience. I still sometimes struggle with procrastination and forgetting to do assignments, but somehow have still managed to hold onto an insanely high GPA, lol. I'm far from the perfect student but am trying to build better study habits as I'll need it for med school!

My main academic interest is neuroscience, specifically neurological disorders like ME/CFS. More fandom-wise, I've been in love with danmeis, especially MXTX's works like Tian Guan Ci Fu. I won't be posting any fandom stuff here though--that'll all be on my main @aureshadow and @envythepalmtree (Fullmetal Alchemist sideblog).

What I plan to do with this blog

I plan to use this blog a little differently; I've changed a lot since I logged off of Tumblr in 2022. I still want to use it to spread positivity and messages about mental health that people might benefit from reading. Some of my values/beliefs are a little different my writing style may seem a little different as well.

The main change is that I want what I post to be more based in science. Whenever I make any kind of claim, I'll cite reputable sources and I will not reblog anything that makes a claim unless I have fact checked it first.

While I'll still be sharing general posts about self love and mental health, I also want to use this platform to make neuroscience and psychology more accessible to people. Academic papers, especially scientific papers, are very inaccessibly written but I believe that people have a right to understand what's going on in their own brains and bodies. If you have a specific disorder you would like to learn more about, a specific study you'd like to understand, or even any general questions about the brain, feel free to shoot me an ask! I likely won't respond very quickly but that's because I want to take the time to be thoughtful and give a good response.

I will continue to add image descriptions to any image-based posts I see and encourage everyone else to do the same! They are very important for accessibility and I want to make my blog as accessible as possible. Here's a guide I wrote up on a different sideblog on how to write IDs.

Asks

You can ask me almost anything. I may choose not to answer, but there is never any harm in asking! You can request a post on any topic you'd like, from brain research to my own life experiences.

I am not a therapist or a doctor (yet). I am an EMT (which means I drive an ambulance), however this is just a blog and I don't want anything I say to be taken as medical advice.

You're welcome to ask me for advice with the caveat that I do not know your life as well as you do and you are always the expert on your own life. I am always here as a second opinion and listening ear.

The only thing I request you do not send me is messages about active urges to harm yourself or others. I am not qualified to help you if you are actively considering harming yourself or others; you can find crisis helplines in different countries here. You're welcome to mention if you've attempted or done something in the past, but I ask that if you are actively in crisis that you log off of Tumblr and find a crisis helpline in your country/area.

While I will not respond to hate messages, I welcome constructive criticism! If you have any ideas on how I can improve this blog let me know. If I have posted/reblogged something harmful or factually incorrect, please let me know so I can take it down.

As always, please take care of yourselves!

[bluedalahorse]

Slates of Standard Pairings

Does your fandom have a Slate of Standard Pairings?

Maybe there’s a better term for this that TVTropes came up with years ago. But this is what I call it in my head.

A Slate of Standard Pairings is a phenomenon where if you have a fic with multiple pairings and almost every character being paired off, it will most likely include the pairings on the slate. This doesn’t mean the fandom only ships those pairings. It just means that those pairings have gained enough momentum, and enough momentum in proximity to one another that they sort of… show up together quite frequently.

For instance, I would argue that the Slate of Standard Pairings for Young Royals fandom is as follows:

Simon/Wilhelm, Sara/Felice, Maddie/Rosh, Stella/Fredrika, Walter/Henry, Nils/Vincent

If you are a boy in Young Royals and your name starts with the letter A, you are SOL for romantic relationships according to the Slate of Standard Pairings.

(Back when I was more active in Les Mis fandom, there were I believe two competing slates of Les Amis pairings, both of them headlined by Enjolras/Grantaire. Is that still the case, or have things shifted?)

For the most part, Slates aren’t intentionally created, but they do sort of drift together by probability. The thing about the Slate of Standard Pairings is that it can sometimes feel like a fandom rule, in an unconscious way where its structure is sort of encoded into the background of a lot of fics and discussions. They can also influence the prevailing fanon at any given time, in terms of which configurations of an ensemble hang out the most, who tops versus who bottoms, etc. There are some folks who actively choose all the pairings in the slate. Others choose some of the pairings in the Slate when writing a fic, but they may not choose all of them. Other people’s reading of their work may be affected by the Slate.

There are always ships that get popular outside of the Slate. For instance, Young Royals fandom has a fondness for Madisander. At one point we were getting into Roshella. Are we still into that? We should still be into that, it coulda been fun.

The Slate is not an inherently bad or an inherently good thing, but I think it’s good for fandoms to be aware of them. It’s also good to recognize the influence they have on fanon and interpretations of canon. It might also make you aware of which characters do and don’t get shipped a lot, or patterns in who your fandom recognizes as more dominant/more repressed/more desireable/whatever else.

You can also go against the Slate to shake things up once in a while, because it’s not actually a rule. I say this because “chronic desire to shake things up” was on my paperwork when I got diagnosed with hyperactive-subtype ADHD. (Yes, that was a neurodivergent joke, sorry.) For instance, Sara/Felice means so much more to me as a platonic relationship than a romantic relationship, because it reminds me of some of the strong platonic friendships that make my life rich and livable, but I’m totally here to ship Felice romantically with Rosh or maybe even Ayub. Or like, as far as non-canon August pairings go, I think we’re really sleeping on August/Nils. It could be so good! And then sometimes you get ideas for a crack pairing, because we all love a good crack pairing.

Anyway, what do you think? Does the Slate of Standard Pairings theory hold water?

What does it look like in your fandom?

Are you someone who tends to like Slates of Standard Pairings, or are you someone who prefers to ignore them?

[npdmonoma]

Can "narcissistic abuse" be something we consider outside of people with NPD? I don't believe in PDs at all as someone who's been diagnosed with one, and I'm very anti psychiatry. However mechanisms of what's described as "narcissistic abuse" are real phenomena and I'm wondering if we can address these situations without linking it to a diagnosis or condemning people as permanently and irreparably broken because they're making those choices in one context

Actually read some more posts on your blog and I think I found an answer that satisfies me in this topic ... I think the move forward would be to unlink certain constellations of behavior (gaslighting, DARVO, etc.) From having a PD. Honestly recognizing that someone who abused me was likely struggling with NPD made it easier to find empathy for them but I still had questions in my mind about how to address this specific pattern

I added your second ask here so I can address them both at the same time. Starting with your statement about not believing in personality disorders due to being anti-psychiatry, this is a statement I both do and don't agree with. All mental health diagnoses are created by psychiatrists by observing patterns of behavior that they label as aberrant and give a name to. So in that sense, they're "not real" because NPD isn't some objective observable thing. However, as long as anyone finds value in using that framework to understand themselves and hopefully begin healing, it should continue to exist as a concept. I personally find incredible value in the diagnosis, and have made significant strides toward healing and becoming a better person since I started applying that concept to myself.

That being said, I do believe in psychiatric abolition. What you said about not labeling people as inherently broken is part of my dissatisfaction with the state of mental healthcare. People with personality disorders can heal, even if our disorders never fully leave us. There's also reason to believe that the idea that personality disorders almost never go into full remission is either partially or fully false. Either way, we aren't broken. Or at least, we aren't required to view ourselves as such.

Second, you're absolutely correct that the things that get labeled as "narcissistic abuse" are real phenomena. I have never, and will never, deny that people who call themselves narcissistic abuse survivors have experienced abuse. I honestly believe that they did. However, those phenomena aren't inherently linked to NPD. I have yet to see an example of "narcissistic abuse" that wasn't just a textbook example of (usually emotional) abuse. There is no need to call it narcissistic, you can just call it abuse. That's what it is.

And yes, you're very correct that we need to disconnect patterns of abuse from personality disorders. We shouldn't be linking any mental illness/neurodivergence to abusive behavior. All that does is cause stigma that leads to people being hated for something they can't really control, and something that oftentimes was done to them. I don't deserve to be hated for what my abusers turned me into. No one does.

I'm glad you were able to find understanding and empathy for your abuser, as that seems to have been healing for you. I'm genuinely happy for you. However, the fact that in your case you learned something about your abuser that gave you context for what happened doesn't mean that thing is inherently linked to abuse in general. My father was likely autistic, and I can see how this played into his abuse of me. And yet, I would never say he abused me autistically, because he didn't. He just abused me. There are abusers in every demographic that exists, but that doesn't mean that the entire demographic gets discarded. People who have never abused anyone don't deserve to be called abusers, especially when they're abuse victims themselves.

Thank you for your curiosity and for having an open mind about this. I appreciate you taking the time to think this through, and I'm glad I was able to help in some way. My apologies if I went over something you already figured out for yourself, but I figured it was best to be thorough.

[languageshead]

I am so frustrated with people claiming they are level 2.

You guys might know I am in a University program for people with developmental disabilities. This is how I was accepted into Uni. I have an aid all the time with me because I often get lost, overwhelmed, don’t know how to make notes, need to speak with the Professor about accommodations etc. 

In my University there is an autism student group, there are 70 of us. We have a group chat and sometimes we meet in person. Today in the group chat people started complaining about cripface, which is when a non autistic person plays an autistic person on TV. I said I didn’t care because the job of an actor is to portray someone they’re not and that I thought there were more important things to discuss, such as how levels 2 and 3 are left out. Then, they started complaining about levels and I tried to tell them they understand the levels wrong and how people with higher support needs feel but they weren’t listening to me. They kept saying that they feel that they are level 2, but doctors won’t listen because they can speak and somehow have a normal life. 

I was so sad and frustrated. They were typing so fast I couldn’t even keep up. I have a hard time typing because of my motor skills so I even called my mom to help me type faster, but in two minutes there were a bunch of other messages spreading misinformation about levels. 

I think I am the only one diagnosed with level 2 in that group and one of the few that is not high masking/late-diagnosed. I struggle everyday with things these people could never imagine. Some of them are getting PHDs. I don’t know how I could ever do that. 

And people were saying they think they were level 2 and that they feel they could identify with level 2 rather than level 1. Honestly, I can’t say that there aren’t people who are level 2 and are late diagnosed, I am sure there are. I even know someone. But most of people late diagnosed are simply not level 2. It’s just too hard to miss. 

I was so frustrated. I said how I need help in the shower everyday because of motor skills and then someone said that when they had a meltdown they also needed help and I tried to explain that that’s not how it works. That I struggle everyday, not just when I have a meltdown.

Guys I am so frustrated. I honestly understand a lot of people are traumatized by being late diagnosed and not recieving support because people don’t believe in their disability. I get it, really. But that’s not an excuse to invalidate the level system, or to claim that you are level 2. I am so so frustrated. 

Will this ever get better? I need to know from people who have been in this community longer than i have. I need to know if people will listen to me and if people will recognize that not all autism is the same. 

I am so incredibly frustrated.

[boobblog]

My Dude

You know what I've been thinking about lately? Obviously not, that's dumb to say in this method... noted. Focus...

Tomorrow is my 4th anniversary with my best friend. I wanted to try to put into words how much love I have for him, but in order to do that I need to give y'all examples of the Luke only I get to see, because I need the world to know how amazing he is.

Yesterday I had to have emergency surgery. During my mastectomy I had tissue expanders placed. The purpose was to create a cavity for a breast to be created in it's place once I finish my treatment. Since that day, 11/13/24, I have not felt good. Imagine constant nausea, extreme fatigue and malaise. Bathing took me out! My incisions opened up fully and slowly exposed my expanders to air. Essentially my body was rejecting the expanders, so they had to go immediately. Hence surgery on a Sunday.

I've told you all explicitly about my body image issues especially how I feel about my boobs. I NEVER wanted to be flat. I have enough mental diagnoses to work on, I could not take that one as well. Guess what? I'm flat. I totally understand why the decision was made, I agreed to it, and I knew this would end up being the outcome. My surgeon is incredible, she was texting me while on vacation for picture updates and even came home early to operate on me. If you guys need a plastic surgeon please go to Dr. Chelsie Snider here in Dallas. She's brilliant and my friend now.

Whoopsie...Last night when we got home I took a deep breath, like box breathing deep, for this first time since my first surgery. My chest already felt better by 80%, and if it weren't for these devil drains, I would be much more comfortable. I honestly believe I will start to feel good soon, for real this time. I hate being referred to as sick, but that's what I am, and currently on pain medication, pardon my rambling, but I have lots to say because I have had an epiphany, or maybe a resurgence of admiration for the people in my life. Specifically Luke.

If I'm being honest, I have NEVER been made to feel so completely loved and safe by someone before. I don't think I would have been able to fully recognize or even accept all of the compassion, empathy, respect, and physical care that Luke effortlessly gives to me. Freely, because he wants to and he notices I need help before I do sometimes, if it weren't for cancer. How he makes me feel reminds me of when I would fake being sick and my mom would let me stay home, just me and her. That kind of cozy completeness. And I have that, in the man that asked me to be his wife. I realize just how sappy this is, but cancer...what if I never take the chance to try to tell him just how thankful I am for him.

I tried to tell him today that 'thank you' is never going to be enough. From day one after my diagnosis he became the wall between me and my trauma, he has allowed me to express every feeling, all of them, the really ugly ones. And he did it with loving eyes and the best hugs. I was convinced because of my trauma that I was undeserving of love, unconditionally. One of my fears was that this would be too much for him. I was going to be alone in the end, that's how my reality has proven. I thought he was putting on a show.

I know. I'm stupid. I do deserve someone to love me before during and after all the shit thrown at me and now a complicated journey to be cancer free.

While our anniversary looks different, I'm excited for the memories it will create, because while I'm absolutely exhausted and feel funky most days, I have never been happier with some of my decisions. :)

I love him, so much. Especially his eyes when he smiles, which I get to see so much more now. I think I jaded him early in our relationship because ,I used to tell him, OFTEN that 'we do not give gold stars for bare minimum behavior.'

This fool thinks that is what he has been doing for me. Isn't that ridiculous after hearing all of that mushy stuff??? While my body is breaking he has completely patched up my heart. Because he wanted to! I'm so incredibly lucky.

Lucky in other areas too, and since it's New Year's Eve eve, it's a good time to reflect. I can't see past my cancer right now, sorry if it's annoying. Not sorry.

When I decided to "announce" I had cancer and when Luke created the Go Fund Me, which by the way blew us completely away. There are no words for me to be able to even begin to explain how much that did for my ENTIRE family.

I was given a backstage pass to my obituary. I was given the opportunity to be alive and hear what the people I love the most in life truly think of me. That's not something most people are able to hear. I have been overwhelmed with gratitude and genuine peace.

Wild. I am in a bruised and broken body hurting more than I want to admit and absolutely terrified about chemo next month, but I feel lucky. I guess when death is the only other option the little things become the most important. So while 2024 was NOT it, I learned to slow down, to breathe intentionally, and love fiercely.

My parents came up for Christmas, I was recovering from my hysterectomy and bladder sling procedure and they just hung out, accepted my mood swings and held me while I cried and apologized profusely. Before my family sent so many packages I couldn't keep up and then my parents brought even more, we were able to have a real Christmas. My boy got to have a Christmas because of the generosity of them. I also learned to never build anything with Papo again. I'm still so sorry I yelled at you Daddy.

I scheduled my first chemo infusion for January 14th. I've known it was coming, I even helped my oncologist pick the day. But the second we hung up today, I burst into tears. I'm just so tired of not feeling good. To know that is what is expected for the next 6 months of my life is daunting. The closer it gets, the less excited I am about being bald, and "looking" sick. Just a trivial thing, I know, but that's where I'm at in this moment now.

Happy Anniversary to my dude. 4 years married 7 together is just a second compared to what we have to look forward to. I know things will get better eventually. And if they don't, I know we can make it through stronger, together.

[smolfrosted]

Things my mother doesnt understand no matter how many times I tell her

The phrase “hold on”

The fact that insulin need to be in the fridge

That no, I dont want your antidepressants, can we just get me my own?

That no, I also dont want your painkillers, thanks for the offer but Tylenol does work on me

That if I tell you to lay down, go lay down, yeah I dont wanna deal with you telling me what to do but you’re also about to have a seizure so maybe listen to me

Not everyone needs to know your life story

Most people dont want to know your life story

If you buy someone a gift, it’s theirs not yours and it’s a dick move to act like it belongs to you

I own my ps5, and ps4

That if she for some reason breaks my ps5 she will be left without a dvd player and we dont have wifi yet so her loss

That no I’m not lazy, my brain just doesnt let me do stuff

That even when it does, I dont really wanna do anything you tell me

That there’s a difference between weaponized incompetence and malicious compliance

That I live off of malicious compliance

That clean the counters means clean the counters, not the kitchen

That calling or texting me while I’m asleep doesnt do anything cause my phone is always on silent and I’ve slept through a smoke alarm

Like yeah, I’m not schizophrenic but my doctors infact do need to know that im at genetic risk of it cause medical history and stuff is important

That yeah being labeled and diagnosed with stuff can close some doors but it also opens a very important one: treatment

That your brain can just, be bad at regulating its own chemicals and so depression doesnt always require tons of trauma

Sometimes mental illness just, happens

How wifi or data works

That she wastes more gas than I do

That most people arent being rude, they’re just doing their jobs and are tored and wanna go home and have shit to do

How trans people work: like she literally doesnt understand but she’s getting better so yay ig

How gay people work: literally

That just because she says I’ve seen something before doesnt mean that I have

That if something happened before I was like 3-6 good chance I have no fucking knowledge about it

I do not recognize most celebrities by name or the movies they’re in

That I dont wanna get married

That just because something happened to her doesnt mean it was right or that it should have

That starting arguments with someone with anger issues is a bad idea, even if you mean to do it to help them let off steam: The someone is me btw

That if you want to try my food, dont be the one to order both an entree and an appetizer and not ask if you can have a bite of mine

That the vice versa works because you told me so, thats its a good thing when children are comfortable just taking food off of a family member’s plate

That I dont eat most meat

That if you make something that I cant eat you shouldnt be offended that I wont eat it

Lots of other stuff

[devilsskettle]

okay can i say something. it is actually very troubling to me that adhd is considered a “trendy” diagnosis, people were saying it was over-diagnosed when i was a child (including doctors which was why i was never assessed as a child despite my parents and multiple teachers having concerns that i showed symptoms but w/e) but now it’s only gotten worse with how it’s talked about on the internet and i think on one hand it’s this boogeyman threat that all kinds of kids are self diagnosing just out of like some kind of ego or clout thing or as an excuse to be lazy which i actually don’t think is what’s happening but also i do think a lot of people are pathologizing behaviors that are within the spectrum of “normal” neurotypical behavior and attributing them to autism or adhd (and not even distinguishing between autism or adhd anymore? like it’s one thing to apply an umbrella term of neurodivergence but what is an “audhd” trait like i feel like i understand where that idea came from wrt solidarity among people with overlapping symptoms or people who are diagnosed with both but it has gotten out of hand i believe. i can hardly find anything in internet spaces about adhd specifically, it’s all about general neurodivergence or actually just autism even though it’s being tagged as #adhd for exposure like???? that’s not helpful lmao and don’t even get me started on casually using “the tism” as a way to describe AGAIN just basically normal neurotypical behaviors that people find cringe arbitrarily or like. having interests lol). but anyway it’s again like the same thing that happened with depression and anxiety, people were trying to actually make progress and destigmatize those disorders so that people could have better access to treatment and not feel ashamed for something they can’t control about how their brain works but then people decided it made you more interesting so then a lot of people say they have mental health issues (and many do! i don’t want to invalidate anyone’s experience but i also have to recognize that being depressed and/or anxious WAS something that people propped up for clout or something idk) but then there’s still so much judgment for severe symptoms and how it affects people’s lives like as soon as you say it’s hard to take care of yourself, it’s hard to shower and brush your teeth, it’s hard to do anything because it’s hard to care about anything, it’s like nooooo you’re just not trying hard enough! i’m depressed and i get up at 5 am every day and do a 3 hour workout, shower, and eat a full breakfast, pack a full lunch, go to my 9-5, come home and read an entire book and cook a whole dinner and wash all the dishes and do laundry, then go to bed at 8 pm! if i can do it so can you!! actually you just need to buy the right products so you can be happy because that’s what all the health wellness fitness influencers are selling these days. anyway i think now we’re all bored of depression and anxiety because those aren’t they “actually bad” mental illnesses, those are the mental illnesses that everybody already has so you can’t get clout or sell anything to people anymore based on a mood disorder, you have to have a personality disorder or be neurodivergent to REALLY be suffering and therefore interesting (btw if being depressed or anxious affects your life in any way we will beat you to death with hammers). and it sucks because the things they tell you when they decide you don’t have adhd when you think you probably have adhd are TRUE like everybody finds some things difficult and tedious, everybody runs a little behind schedule sometimes, everybody struggles to keep up on their responsibilities, but we all have to do what we’re supposed to do because we’re adults and excuses aren’t gonna cut it anymore. but when you go but wait i think my inability to do certain things is really holding me back in my life and everyone else seems to be able to do these things (even if they “don’t want to do them” they still can do them with far less effort than it seems to take me?) they go hahaha you stupid little girl,

(character limit paragraph break) you’re actually just stupid and lazy and also so very stupid for thinking you have some magical special thing wrong with your brain that makes you bad at things, you just need to try harder like hmmmm where have i heard that one before. oh yeah when i was ripping up my legs every night of my teenage life because i wanted to kill myself without having to kill myself and nobody cared that i was sad because everyone was sad and everyone wanted to kill themselves how dare you want anyone to give a shit don’t you know that they’re more sad than you? it’s not a competition though don’t invalidate anyone else’s feelings!! until you finally have to admit what’s happening and go to a doctor and when antidepressants aren’t helping like you need them to it’s just why don’t you get a job! why don’t you have a job yet! i’m obviously the only person in the whole world who has told you that you need to get a job, i’m very smart i’m a doctor and i diagnose you with not trying hard enough. you’re depressed because you don’t have routine, all those years of your life when you were depressed within the structure of school were a fluke, lack of routine is actually the problem. yeah i’m sooo sure. anyway i guess i just feel like it’s so obvious to me that i have been depressed, it’s so obvious to me that i have adhd, i have a family history of it, i have a personal history throughout my childhood of adults recognizing symptoms, i am experiencing real concrete symptoms with real concrete consequences, i am so scared that i will not be able to have a good or even just livable life if i can’t get this under control, but i’m so EMBARRASSED that i might be “self diagnosing” and i’m wrong and i’m trying to make myself feel more special or give myself an excuse to be a fuck up and i’m just another dumb gen z girl falling for all the terminally online misinformation bullshit, and even if i’m not, other people will see me that way including doctors who i have had bad experiences with already about being very unkind and dismissive wrt my mental health concerns. IF they don’t see me as a drug seeker first which to be fair i don’t think i would give that impression upfront but i have had a history of substance abuse that might not look good if they knew about that and a big part of why i’d want to be diagnosed is so that i could be medicated but you can’t actually say that because then they think you just want to get high. i’m done with my pill popping phase i promise!!! but if i’m not being medicated then that means i will just have to brute force my way through my symptoms until i burn out again which is what i do anyway.

and the other thing is whenever i tell people i feel like this they’re always just like nooooo i don’t think so. i don’t get that vibe from you. like okay thank you doctor for that astute observation that i don’t have the “vibe” of an actual disorder. is it perhaps because i am quiet and soft spoken? is it because i try really really hard not to show any unpalatable emotions in public and lie constantly to make it seem like i have my shit together? is it because i spend all my energy on the things that other people can see and judge while my own space at home and personal responsibilities constantly fall to the wayside? is it because i seem smart and you think people with adhd are dumb? i actually feel dumb, really fucking dumb, all the time, and despite people telling me that i “seem smart” they treat me like i’m fucking dumb anyway so what is the truth.

anyway this isn’t anything i haven’t felt for years and years but every time i am facing the real possibility of failure, every time i am scrambling for a solution to a situation i put myself in again, every time i miss out on chances to do something fun or just take a break from all the work and all the busyness of my life rn because i still have work that i need to do that should’ve been done already, it all comes back up because i can’t decide if it really is just my fault and i’m fucking stupid and lazy and evil, or if there actually is something wrong with my brain and i could get help for it and not everyone feels this way so someday i might not have to either or at least i can understand why i do, or a combination of both like yeah it’s my fault but i shouldn’t feel as bad about it as i do because there is actually something wrong with me also and i just have to work a little bit harder than other people. but it’s hard when it’s like. do i actually have to work harder than other people or do i just want an excuse for not doing better? but also like my mom was very successful in her life without being diagnosed with adhd until she was in her 60s so regardless of whether or not i also have adhd, i really am a lazy piece of shit because i can’t do what she did. but. also. i’m bad at school that doesn’t necessarily mean i’m bad at everything in the whole world. sigh idk idk maybe before my last semester starts i can get evaluated? but it’s embarrassinggggg like if i do have adhd then i have to do something about it and that’s its own can of worms especially since there’s medication shortages and all of that but if i don’t have adhd then i’m just stupid and lazy and WRONG like damn i really don’t want to be told that i’m wrong but if i’m so attached to the idea of having adhd then how can i know that i’m thinking about it clearly without bias? i’ve gone back and forth about this so many times though like at some point i need to do something about it. but anyway i think it’s a really unfortunate time in our culture to be thinking about trying to address suspecting that you have adhd when people are so predisposed to thinking you’re faking it or delusional or too online or something. like i can’t even imagine going to get evaluated without upfront having to tell the doctor hey. i don’t trust you. i think you’re going to fuck me over. i feel defensive because i feel like you’re going to judge me or dismiss me completely but i’m going to be 100% honest with you about my experiences hoping that i’m wrong about you. i want to believe that you want to help me, i want to believe you have no external motivations other than trying to figure out what’s going on with me, your patient, as an individual, not as part of some kind of internet trend, but as someone who is facing challenges and wants to find the tools to address them. and i really really really want that to be the case for real if i spend all kinds of time and energy to get into an evaluation i want it to have some payoff in my life even if they have to point me in a different direction

and before you ask YES i’m procrastinating something right now, YES i’m actually procrastinating multiple things, YES some of those things are pretty important and may have real consequences in my life, but YES i am sitting here writing this stupid post instead. and YES when i am done writing this, the shame of wasting so much time writing this will probably shame my brain into focusing on something that i need to get done but YES i need to completely finish this thought before i can do anything else. yes i am deeply embarrassed that this is how my brain works but this is literally why i think i have adhd i’m not trying to get out of doing this because i have adhd i’m not gonna be telling my professor or anybody that my shit is late again because i have adhd because for all intents and purposes on paper i do not have adhd and i would not be trying to wriggle out of this assignment anyway but alas i do think there’s an explanation for why this pattern exists in my life but again i’m not telling anybody but the void maybe someday i can look back at these vent posts and know that i’m not actually crazy or stupid but then again crazy and stupid people typically don’t think they’re crazy or stupid either, right? whatever maybe i should just give up. quit school quit my job stop talking to my family live off the grid and die without ever having to think about this stupid shit ever again

[wisewomanonce]

"From Darkness to Light: A Journey of Healing and Hope"

Mental health—a phrase we all know so well in today’s world. Depression. Anxiety. OCD. Anger. Words that flow so easily, yet hide such heavy truths. But when I was younger, those words didn’t exist in my world. Where I’m from, seeing a therapist was for people with “real problems.” Worry and sadness were just parts of life—nothing to fix, nothing to ask for help with.

Growing up, I don’t remember anyone asking me how I felt, how I was carrying the weight of unspoken grief or unseen pain. As a child, I cared deeply—too deeply, perhaps—for many things. I devoured books, studied parenting long before I ever had children, hoping to anticipate every stage of motherhood. I thought I had everything figured out.

By the time I had my first teenager, I had six other children: ages 14, 12, 10, 8, 4, 2, and a newborn. I thought I had prepared for everything. But when my oldest daughter’s life veered far from the path I had laid out for her, fear, worry, and grief overwhelmed me. I had done everything “right”—I thought I had controlled the outcome. But when things unraveled, the realization that I had no control, no answers, shattered me. It was a dark, heavy season.

My young marriage began to crack, and the people around me were just as broken as I was. I retreated from the few friendships that were still healthy. Embarrassment and shame kept me isolated. I didn’t understand how I—someone so full of hope, someone who thought she was doing everything right—had ended up here. My entire identity was wrapped up in being a good mother. It was who I was. It was all I knew. But my teenagers were pushing against the very control I thought would protect them.

I didn’t handle this season well. Instead of leaning on God, I turned to things that only numbed the pain. I smoked half a pack of cigarettes a day, drank alcohol to quiet my racing mind. I tried to escape the life I had built, a life I no longer recognized. I clung to control like it was my lifeline, trying to manage every detail, searching desperately for some stability. Years went by, but nothing got better. The sober moments only made the heaviness feel worse.

My mind became consumed with the thought of how to fix everything—how to get my kids back on the path I envisioned for them. The harder I tried to control, the more they rebelled. Eventually, I couldn’t fight anymore. I wanted to give up. Nothing worked, and hopelessness began to take root.

I worked non-stop—sometimes two jobs, 70 hours a week—while raising seven kids. I was exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally drained. My mind raced in a constant state of panic. For years, this was my life.

I knew my children needed me, so taking my life didn’t feel like an option. But as time wore on, the enemy whispered lies—maybe they’d be better off without me. Maybe letting go would finally bring me peace.

The darkness became unbearable. I believed the lie. I tried to take my life. By God’s grace, I survived. That moment was the turning point. I sought help. I found a therapist. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety, and insomnia. I was prescribed a cocktail of medications to help me sleep, wake up, focus, and pretend to be “happy.”

For seven long years, I fought a battle I didn’t even know I was fighting. I thought it was just the normal struggle of life—seven kids, a full-time job, a marriage. Of course, life was hard. But even after starting medication, the intrusive thoughts never stopped. I would stop taking the pills to see if they’d go away. They never did.

Then one day, my daughter invited me to a prophetic church conference. “Come expecting miracles,” she said. Desperate for a breakthrough, I prayed, “God, where are You? Fix my brain. Heal my mind. Heal me.” And He did.

From that day forward, I was healed. No more medications. The diagnoses that once defined me—gone.

I share this testimony because I know what it’s like to fight the battles no one sees. Mental health struggles may look different for each of us, but the enemy’s tactics are the same.

In John 10:10, Jesus reminds us: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

When I lost the only identity I had ever known and isolated myself from the church—without leadership, without discipleship—the enemy nearly succeeded in destroying me. He stole my joy, killed my hope, and destroyed my peace. And don’t think he hasn’t tried to take my identity again or make me worry over things God has already claimed victory over, because he has.

But now, I know who I am. I know where my help comes from. I stand firm in my true identity in Christ. My circumstances haven’t drastically changed—I’m still raising kids (now eight, including three teenagers), and I still don’t have control over much. But I’ve learned to trust God with everything.

If you’re struggling, know this: there are ways to fight back. There is scripture, there is therapy, there is practical help. You are not alone. And there is hope.

[aralisj]

You are the first person I found that also sees autistic trades in Carmy.

Last year after the first season (I loved it so much! I watched it 3 times & some episodes even more often) I even came back to tumblr just for this series, I needed more content!

I saw so much of myself in Carmy, I never before saw a character so much like myself (although I'm a woman, from Europe & not good at anything at all).

All his struggles with other humans, it was like looking into a mirror, seeing myself.

So I got a psychological evaluation for my anxiety and other stuff. After some research I thought maybe I'm autistic. Getting officially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder with autistic traits. I still have the feeling I'm autistic and at the same time I feel like an imposter for feeling that way.

Carmy is such a people pleaser, so unaware of how other people see him, his bursts of anger, his fidgeting with the spoon, wearing the same kind of clothes, him not understanding other people except in regards to food. Him getting used and abused by other people (NY chef, his mother and brother, even Richie but with him the punches at least back & does not only take it, take it and take it). Other people have to point out that his relationship with Claire makes her most likely his girlfriend, that reminds me so much of myself when I had to ask my sister if my boyfriend had shown interest in me because I could not say for sure.

And maybe I'm just projecting, but for me it looks like he never looks other people into the eyes just with Sydney (yes I do ship them but I do not mean it like that) and Richie. Maybe it's just me but I do not like to look into the eyes of people I do not know at all/well, it's hard work to do. But it's easier with people I know for longer and I feel safe with. I still let my eyes wander to be able to concentrate better but it's easier to look directly into their eyes. At least I think I'm better with them. Or it's the camera angles fault XD.

In regards to friends, do you think all the connection he does have in the culinary world see him as a friend but he himself does not recognizes them as friendships. For example Luca?

Sorry this is kind of long and I'm rambling. A long text just to say yes I see it too. :)

I had a very similar experience with the show. I watched season 1 twice and I think I'm due for a rewatch quite soon.

During my first watch I didn't really see the autistic traits per se but I definitely related to him. Especially when he talks about routines and being good but completely burnt out at the same time - that was my experience at school.

I started looking into getting professionally diagnosed right about the time when I rewatched and I realized his experience echoed mine especially in the ASD related stuff. I made a post about it, and I believe it really resonated with some people within the autistic community, not just as a headcanon.

I feel you, I haven't gotten my official diagnosis because tests are very expensive. Plus, I'm a woman and I have been masking all my life, so it's hard to get a psychiatrist to believe that you are actually struggling. Maybe there's some overlap with avoidant personality because my psychiatrist has mentioned it a number of times, and it would make sense for Carmy to develop a disorder as a result of his family trauma.

And yes, a lot of his "quirks", the things that make him seem high strung and shy, could also be signs of ASD. I hadn't noticed that he's literally wearing the same clothes all the time but you're absolutely right. The Claire storyline really shows that he doesn't know how to navigate relationships and needs it spelled out by someone else (and honestly, same). He's concerned with being "shitty" but doesn't know when he's being perceived as that and so he asks Sydney to be his gage (my sister is mine)

I think you're right about the eyelines, and I guess it makes sense in the kitchen, since there's always something to do, you can talk with people without looking them in the eye, or taking breaks in between. I like talking while I'm walking or in the car, no eye contact 👌👌👌

You make a good point that he isn't particularly aware of who is his friend and who isn't. When Claire called him and told him that Fak said he was his best friend, Carmy took a second to process and then agreed. He has no idea. And I think that also plays a part in being used by other people - if he doesn't know what friendship or a healthy family relationship looks like, he's going to take it all like that's normal, which is not great

I do believe that Luca and Chef Terry would consider him a friend. They took in one of Carmy's staff, no questions asked, just believing in his judgement. Especially Chef Terry talks about him with a certain fondness that feels very sweet. With Luca, they probably had a more competitive, sort of brotherly thing going on but they ended in good enough terms? I don't know, I'm just guessing.

Thank you for such a thoughtful and generous message! I believed that I would get backlash when I first posted about my feelings on this subject but everyone has been very kind and supportive (not everyone agrees but no one has been rude and I count that as a win lol)

I hope you have better luck getting a diagnosis, and that you get to navigate this chaotic world as easily as possible 💜