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hsfan94 · 8 months ago

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You Belong With Me

AN: another older one from the drafts that I’ve finally found an ending for.

Y/n moved in with Harry back in 2016, after he discovered he couldn’t handle being alone for long periods of time. They had been friends for a little over a year and she was struggling to afford a place on her own in any of the three cities she worked in (NYC, LA, London), so they made arrangements to share his places. Y/n hesitated when he pitched the idea for a few reasons. For starters, he had been seeing Kendall Jenner at the time. She knew they weren’t doing anything more than “having fun”, Harry’s words, but she still thought it might be weird for him to live with one girl when he was sleeping with a different one. The other reason was that she had been in love with him, so getting more time to be domestic with him was dangerous.

However, not even a year into it she realized she worried too much. They were seldom at the same house for more than a week at a time with each other because they had different and busy schedules. She even asked Harry if it actually helped him and he said just knowing someone else lived there and seeing her stuff soothed him tremendously.

To tell the truth, she never expected them to still be living together years later. She always assumed Harry would eventually get serious with someone and give her an eviction notice. She held her breath every day the year he was with Camille. She kept expecting them to take that step as it was the longest he’d been with someone in the time she’d known him, but they never did. Camille was sweet and would never admit to it but Y/n’s pretty sure she played a part in their breakup. When she told Harry that Camille might not have been comfortable with him having a roommate he brushed her off saying, “We were at different points in life. We wanted different things.” She had trouble believing that after Fine Line came out.

When the pandemic hit they finally got to spend more time than ever together under the same roof and Y/n got used to it. She liked watching movies and tv with Harry. She liked cooking with him. They got very experimental in the kitchen. She liked going on hikes and trying at home workouts together. She even liked getting drunk and playing games, especially two person Twister. All of the things they did she liked, but what she loved was the fact that they felt and acted like a couple. One night the illusion had been so strong that they almost kissed! She’d be lying if she said she didn’t expect them to cross that line but sadly they never did.

When he came home to pack a bag in November, because he had to do a quarantine somewhere else due to someone on set testing positive, she felt the intimacy bubble pop. She could feel it deep within her that things would change from that day forth and they did. Two months later she found out he’d been sleeping with Olivia Wilde since October, which she’s not even sure how that’s possible, and they had been dating ever since. She was honestly shocked. She for sure expected this one to fizzle out faster than the rest but it didn’t. It kept going. What made her sadder was that they had hardly been in the same city the last two years let alone at the same house. So, she had just been waiting patiently for him to kick her out. He knew she could afford it now. The only thing that bothered her about leaving Harry’s house was the woman lined up to take her place. They weren’t right for each other.

Tonight was the first time in months Harry and Y/n had been at the same house. She had come to London to work on a project and he was there on a little break before his European tour started. They were staying at his place in Hampstead. It was her favorite for many reasons but one of those being that it was his first place he ever bought himself and it gave her insight to what he was like before they met. She should have expected to not be the only house guest he had but she was still thrown off guard when he came in, not alone.

The door slammed against the wall and voices bickered in the distance.

“I just don’t understand why you were rude to the waitress.” Her Harry spoke.

“She asked you for a picture. Why does it matter? They make a living wage here.”

Y/n rolled her eyes. She worked as a waitress for a couple years before her entertainment career kicked off and people that were rude to service staff were the worst kind if you ask her.

“God you don’t get it. It’s about being nice. And it didn’t bother me that-“ He stopped speaking when his eyes landed on his best friend cooking dinner in the kitchen. The frown that had taken over his face amid the argument turned into a bright smile at the sight before him. “Y/n! I totally forgot you said you were going to be here this week.”

He walked over to her and gave her a hug. Over his shoulder she saw his girlfriend shoot her a death glare.

“Yeah. I hope I’m not intruding.” She knew she was.

“Not at all. You live here. How could you be intruding?”

“Seriously?” It was muttered under Olivia’s breath but she knew they could hear her.

“What are you cooking? It smells lovely.” He glanced at the pots his friend had momentarily forgotten and ignored his girlfriend completely.

“Miso ramen with salmon and tofu.” She stirred the broth again and flipped the fish in the pan.

“My favorite. Too bad I already ate.” He seemed like he wished he hadn’t gone out with Olivia at all now. “Well, I’d hate to disturb your plans. We’ll get off to bed.”

He sauntered towards his pink stairs expecting her to follow him and she did so like a petulant child. Just before they reached the top Y/n heard her say, “Why is she here? Can’t she afford to live alone by now? She’s 26.”

Y/n was not offended. In fact, she thought that was rich coming from a 38 year old who was not only dating a 28 year old but acted like she was only 20.

Y/n thought with their retreat the night would be peaceful but shortly after they disappeared their argument got louder.

“I’m not doing this with you again!” Harry screamed.

She could only hear bits and pieces from both of them.

“Kick her out,” Olivia said.

“I don’t know what else you want from me. We’ve made it this far, isn't that enough proof?”

“How am I supposed to trust you?”

“Me!? Trust me!? You’re the one that was with someone else.” She had never heard him this angry.

After that she decided to put on music to tune them out. She had many reasons she didn’t like Olivia but the main one was the Harry she brought out. Y/n’s Harry was calm, easygoing, loving and happy but above all drama free. Olivia’s Harry was dark, angry, haunted and all over the tabloids and internet gossip. It might have had nothing to do with her and everything to do with their compatibility but either way it broke Y/n’s heart to see him this way.

~~~~~~~~~

The next morning she decided to put as little strain on their relationship as possible. She made them both breakfast and after they came down to see her plating the food, she told them to enjoy and made a swift exit. Before her escape she caught some glares and words from Olivia.

“This wont make me like you or fix our living arrangements.”

Even though she knew Harry would chew her out for it Y/n couldn’t help but let it get to her. She thought about the living arrangements comment all day and decided she should talk to Harry that night.

On her walk back to the house she remembered the day he proposed the idea.

“Live with me. It’d fix both our issues.” He had blurted out randomly amid her rambling about the state of rent prices.

“Won’t it get weird? Like if we have partners and stuff?”

“No. We’ll make it work. Come on, it'll be fun. Like we’re in university, I never got to do that.” He was persistent, she gave him that.

“Okay. But just till I can get on my feet or you find a replacement.” She winked at him and he laughed.

She had been joking about the replacement but now she feared he had taken her seriously.

Stepping off the tube, Y/n decided to take the longer, more scenic route to their house. As she walked she thought about the night they almost kissed.

Harry almost fell over trying to spin the wheel.

“Oi! Okay… It says right hand on green.”

Y/n had never been this drunk before. She chalked it up to wanting to keep up with Harry but now she regretted it as she was trying to remain in her twister position. Upon hearing his instruction she realized moving her hand to green would put them in quite the compromising position. She did it anyway.

“Hey there. Don’t get any ideas, love,” he said, peering down at her.

Her face was practically in his crotch.

“Don’t worry. I’m not interested.” She smiled up at him.

“Ouch.” He went to spin again but drunkenly lost his balance and fell on her.

“Oi! Harry! That hurt.”

They both laughed and when they collected themselves she became aware of how close they were. His hips were perched between her legs and she could feel his breath on her lips.

“Your eyes have a bit of green in them. I’ve never noticed,” he said. He brought a hand up to her face to swipe her hair away from her cheek.

“Yeah, they’re hazel. It’s like a cross between brown and green.”

He started to lean in and just when she thought they were about to kiss his head fell to her shoulder.

“Can we just sleep here? I don’t think I can get up.”

And they did sleep there that night. On the floor, tangled in each other.

She walked through the outside door of their house not even remembering coming out of the park or the rest of the walk. She had been lost in her thoughts. She was relieved that he was home alone.

“Harry?”

He was in the kitchen, at the island reading a book and drinking something out of a mug.

“There’s my favorite girl!” He turned to face her.

Her heart clenched and fluttered at his words.

“We need to talk. Is Olivia here?”

“No, she took the kids to the zoo.”

It made her uncomfortable that he was dating someone with kids because it made her think about him being a father to kids that weren’t hers.

“Okay cool.” She took the seat next to him, facing him fully.

Just as she was about to start his phone rang.

“Hang on.” He glanced down to see who it was and rolled his eyes. He got up and walked to look out the window as he answered. “What’s up, Olivia?”

Y/n wasn’t sure what had happened in the time she was gone but she assumed they were still fighting.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at the zoo with the kids?”

She wished she could hear the other end but she just pretended to be busy.

“How did you forget it’s not your day?”

A bit of silence.

“No, I’m busy.”

More silence.

“Why are you still on that? It was a fucking joke! You’ve known me long enough that you should know that.”

More silence and then he shook his head.

“I’m not doing this with you right now. Bye.” He hung up and came back to his spot like nothing had happened.

“You okay?” She asked.

“I just don’t know what happened. We had been drama free and then for the last few months she’s been picking fights. Getting angry at my jokes, at my job and at my relationship with you. It’s exhausting. I just want one good day.”

She felt horrible for potentially making his day worse but she had to bring it up.

“About that… I don’t think we can do this anymore.”

“Do what?”

“Live together.” She paused to take a deep breath. “We’re getting too old for it.”

“What? Where’s this coming from?”

“Last night. I felt like I was intruding.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t intrude when it’s your house.”

“It’s not my house though, Harry. It’s yours. You bought it with your own money a decade ago.”

“But you live here.”

She sighed. She stood up and walked over to turn on the kettle.

“Do you not like living together anymore?” He sounded so hurt.

“Harry, you’re in a serious relationship now. Things are just different.”

“How are they any different from when I was with Camille? You didn’t threaten to move out then.” His voice was getting louder, like he was getting angry.

“No, but I probably should have. Then you might still be together.”

“That doesn’t make any sense Y/n, I’m with Olivia now, I’m over her.”

“I just mean I don’t want to cause another breakup.”

“I don’t know what to say.” He just stared at her from across the island.

“Look, Harry, I love you and I have thoroughly enjoyed our arrangement but things are a lot more complicated now then they were back then.”

He stayed silent. After a moment he came around the island and stood in front of her. He slowly pulled her into a tight hug.

“Okay. If that’s how you feel, I won’t try to convince you otherwise, but at least stick it out a little longer yeah? Until you secure another place. I’ll help you look for something and my door will always be open for you.”

They didn’t say much else after that. Luckily that night, Olivia stayed somewhere else so Y/n could have a moment to think about everything in peace.

~~~~~~~~

Harry was terrified. Y/n telling him she wanted to leave was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. That conversation between them hurt worse than any breakup he’s ever had. He wasn’t really sure why though.

He was also confused. It sounded like she didn’t actually want to leave but more like she felt she had to. He also didn’t understand why she brought up Camille and why it seemed she wished he was still with her. Did she miss Camille? He knew she and Olivia did not get along but he couldn’t recall her and Camille ever interacting much either.

He was hurt. He wanted her to stay. He wanted her, period. He knew he’d fucked up. He always fucked up. The truth is Y/n was the last thing he had left of his time in the band. If he lost her he wouldn’t have anything that reminded him of that time in his life. Sure, he could call the boys whenever, but Y/n was someone who liked him before he was successful on his own and that meant something to him. She was genuine. They had never really had a fight before. That night was the first. If you could call it a fight anyway.

He felt ashamed. Over lockdown, they had been so close to becoming what he wanted them to be but he got scared. The night they almost kissed was his favorite memory to date. But the next day, because he was scared, he went and did something stupid.

There was a knock at his trailer door. Even the smallest of sounds sent a pounding through his head. He rushed to open it to make it stop.

“Hey, sexy thing, are you ready for your scene?” It was Olivia.

She had started calling him names like that pretty early on. He was bummed at first because this was his first time to have a main part and he was excited to work with professionals only to find out how unprofessional the director truly was. He had gotten used to it though.

“No. I got too drunk last night.”

“Alone?”

“No, me and my best mate live together. She used to be a bartender and we were experimenting with new recipes. She’s a heavy pourer, that's for sure.”

“You poor thing.” Olivia had entered the trailer and was now inappropriately close.

“What are you doing?” He said, backing up into the wall.

“Don’t think about it.”

He knew he should have said no, but he was so tired of pining over Y/n. He had given her so many chances to make a move and she never did. He hadn’t thought that this thing with Olivia would turn into what it had. He thought for sure back then it was a one time thing but she kept wanting to do it again and then one day she was claiming she loved him. Then, factoring in that she had ruined her family for him, he felt obligated to be with her. He wasn’t happy. So, Y/n was the best thing in his life and she was threatening to leave. He didn’t want to force her to stay so he didn’t say much when she brought it up but now he wished he’d said more.

The next day he had already felt a shift between them.

He stumbled down to the kitchen to find her there making chocolate chip pancakes.

“You’re like a proper housewife, you know that?”

She didn’t smile at his joke. In fact she hardly looked at him. His heart cracked.

“Come on, Y/n. Don’t do this.”

Silence. She put his food on a plate and placed it in front of him. She turned around to make herself a latte with the espresso machine he bought just for her. When she came to sit beside him and still said nothing he snapped.

“That’s enough!” He had never heard his own voice so loud.

She flinched away from him and he had never wished to die more.

“Hey, I’m sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.” He reached for her and she finally looked at him, allowing him to grab her hand.

“Y/n I can’t do this. I didn’t say anything last night because I didn’t want to force you to stay but I can’t live without you.”

“Harry, I’d just be moving out.”

He shook his head aggressively.

“You don’t get it. I can’t live without you. I don’t want you to go, you're all I have.”

“That’s not true and you know it. If anything it’s the other way around.”

They had both forgotten their food.

“You are. It’s been hard not being in the same place at the same time but when we are, it brightens my day. When I came home the other night and you were in the kitchen cooking dinner, it was like a dream. It’s all I want, for the rest of my life.”

“Okay, but don’t you want it with someone you love? You don’t need your silly best friend when you have a girlfriend.”

How could someone be so dense?

“Never mind.”

“It’ll be okay I promise. In fact, I’m mainly looking at places in the neighborhood.”

They didn’t talk much more about it. He couldn’t handle it.

That was in May. It was now November. And he hadn’t seen his pretty best friend in so long. She had come to the first two New York shows as she was working on stuff in New York that week, but that had been over two months ago. So much had happened. When she came to those shows it was the first time he’d seen her since the moving out conversation. He wanted to drop to his knees and beg but he was trying not to upset Olivia. He’s not sure why now because they’ve had so many fights since then. Including a big one in September that led to them breaking up and he hadn’t been upset by it either.

He was getting ready to go on stage when there was a knock at the door.

He rushed to open it. There she was, standing in front of him like a dream.

“Y/n.” It was no louder than a whisper.

“Hey. I know you’re about to go on, but maybe after the show we can talk?”

He nodded so fast he thought his head would fall off.

“Okay. Great. I’ll see you in a few hours.” She turned to leave but he wouldn’t have it. He grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her to him.

“There’s no need to run away. You can hang out until show time.”

He had her in a tight hug.

“I just… I need to get a drink and find my seat.”

“Seat? You’re not gonna stand with Jeff and them?”

“No. My friend bought tickets before she realized I could get us VIP access.” She laughed like it was a joke but it hurt his feelings. How did she have a friend that didn’t know that? He talked about her to all his friends all the time. “Plus, your girlfriend is here and I don’t want to cause any issues.”

“Okay. Well, I’ll see you after?”

She nodded and left. He felt empty. It was like he had already lost her. He pushed his feelings down and went on stage pretending to be the happiest man alive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/n was nervous. She lied about a friend buying tickets. She didn’t want him to know it was her choice to be further away. She figured he knew anyway. She had been putting space between them since May. She knew that if she wanted to stay in his life, she needed to get over him and she couldn’t do that being around him all the time. So, she was nervous because she was going to tell him she found a place. Not just one though. She found three flats, one for each city. That news wasn’t so bad she supposed but she was scared to tell him that they weren’t in his neighborhood. She lied before. Y/n couldn’t afford to live in North London, Malibu or the upper west side in Manhattan, but she didn’t want to hurt him anymore than she had.

When Harry started singing Kiwi she excused herself and made her way to his dressing room. She was surprised no one else was waiting there.

She was sitting on the couch in his dressing room when the door burst open.

“Hey stranger.” She smiled at him. He looked terrified and she didn’t know why.

“Thank god. I thought you left.” He closed the door behind him.

“I said I wanted to talk, didn’t I?”

“Yeah but I saw you get up and leave and then you weren’t outside the door.” He made his way to the couch and sat beside her. “What did you want to talk about?”

She sighed. “I don’t know how you’ll take this.”

He was silent so she continued. “I found a place. Well more than one.”

“Oh.” He stood up and went to change.

“I haven’t signed anything yet, it's not a done deal.”

“Okay? Why is that important?” He didn’t look at her once.

“They aren’t in your neighborhood.”

He turned around at that.

“I thought you said you were only going to look at places in the neighborhood. Do you really not want to be around me that badly?” His face was drenched in hurt.

“No! Not at all.” She stood up too and made her way over to him. “I just can’t afford the same areas you can.”

“That’s not all it is and you know it.” The hurt was now mixed with anger.

“What?”

“Don’t play dumb. You’ve been keeping your distance. We’ve hardly seen each other or spoken since May.”

“We’re busy people, H.”

“That's bullshit and you know it. I always make time for you.”

He pulled on his sweats and walked to the vanity.

“I don’t understand why you’re mad.” She followed right behind him.

“Because my best friend doesn’t like me anymore.” He whipped around to face her as he spoke. “I’m not mad either. I’m fucking depressed.” She thought she saw the shimmer of tears forming in his eyes.

“Hey.” She cautiously reached for his hands and held them in hers. “I love you. It’s just been hard to be around you lately.”

“Why? What did I do?” He held her hands tighter.

“You did nothing. It’s all me.” She looked at their hands. She couldn’t look at him as she came clean. “I’m in love with you and having to watch you be with someone else, it’s gotten to be too much. I have to move out because if we keep living together, I’m going to start to believe you love me too. Don’t you want to live with someone you love? Don’t you want to come home to the person you love most cooking for you after a late night and cuddle them to sleep?”

She looked back up to see him smiling.

“I do want that.”

“See. And you could have that with Olivia, I just need to not be in the way.” She started to step back but he held her tighter.

“I don’t want it with Olivia.”

“What?”

“I don’t love her. Not the way you are insinuating.”

“Then why are you with her?”

He took a deep breath.

“Because I couldn’t be with you.”

Her mouth fell open.

“What?” It was barely louder than a whisper.

“That night we got drunk, do you remember?” She nodded so he continued. “Well, I almost kissed you but I knew it would ruin everything so I didn’t. Then the next day, on set, Olivia made a move and I don’t know, I was tired of being alone.” He couldn’t look at her, he was ashamed of himself.

“Are you serious?” She sounded angry so he looked up to see her face and it was indeed set in a frown. He let her continue. “Harry, you have to be the dumbest person I’ve ever met.”

She put distance between them and he missed her the minute she let go of his hands.

“You have never been alone! I don’t know why you can’t understand that. Being single and being alone are not the same thing. You have always had me. We fucking live together.”

“You don’t get it, Y/n. It’s so hard being around someone you are madly in love with and can’t have.”

She looked at him stunned.

“I don’t get it?” She shook her head. “Harry, I’m not the one who brings other people around! In the time we’ve known each other, how many guys have I dated, do you know?” He couldn’t recall so he shook his head. “None! Because I have only had eyes for you.”

His heart jumped, he didn’t get time to bask in her words because she continued.

“I’ve had sex and been on dates but only at the extreme difficulty of having to pretend they were you. Meanwhile you have come around with at least four different women and practically rubbed it in my face that you didn’t want me. And now you’re just here telling me you don’t even want to be with the woman you’ve been with for two years. The one that I have to see treat you like shit. The one I’ve watched break you down into this shell of a man all because you didn’t want to be alone.” She started to cry. “And for what? Because I told you I should move out because seeing you with someone else kills me inside and living with you is all I want but it confuses the hell out of me because we aren’t together.”

“Hey, Angel, don’t cry.” He walked over to her, feeling the need to be delicate since she was mad. “I’m so sorry. I genuinely had no idea you felt that way. I wish I had known sooner.” He gently raised his hands to her cheeks and when she didn’t pull away, he began stroking her tears away with his thumbs.

“Why can’t you just call it what it is, H? You are scared of something real. Something that has the potential to be the end of the road.”

He leaned his forehead against hers and started to talk in a soft voice. “You’re right. I am scared. Because like I said I can’t live without you and I’ve been doing everything in my power to keep you but clearly I’ve made some mistakes. I just… I love you so much and so intensely it scares me and I don’t know it just felt like you didn’t feel the same so I’ve tried to move on but keep you close at the same time. It backfired clearly.” He chuckled a bit.

His words made her peer back up at him with a smile. It was the first time he actually said the words. The first time she heard them.

“Yeah it did. Look how much time we’ve wasted.”

His heart skipped. Did that mean?

“Time we’ve wasted? You aren’t mad?”

“I am but just because we could have done this sooner.”

Before he could say anything she pulled him into a heated kiss.

He pulled back after a minute. “Does this mean you’re not going to move out?”

“It means I’m going to move out of my room and into yours.”

He smiled and kissed her again. He pulled her flush against him and spun them around to push her against the vanity counter. Just as he was about to lift her onto it she pulled back.

“Wait… you have a girlfriend.”

“No I don’t.”

“What?”

He placed her on the counter and came to stand between her legs.

“We broke up. Like a week ago.”

Instead of responding, Y/n moaned and pulled his lips back to hers. She wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him as tight to her as she could.

She came up for air and said, “Good. You belong with me.”

He hummed his agreement of, “I belong with you,” and dove right back in.

His tongue slipped between her lips ever so lightly. It just gently brushed hers and caused her to buck her hips against his.

Her hands snaked into his hair and pulled gently. She had been waiting to be with him like this for so long that she was going to take advantage of it. She lowered her hands to his shoulders, brushing his neck as they passed it, and pulled him even closer.

Harry was hard. He knew if they kept going he wouldn’t be able to stop so he pulled back.

“Baby, if we don’t cool down, I’m gonna have to fuck you right here.”

“God,” she groaned. “Please do.”

“You want to? Right here? You don’t want it to be more special?”

She cooed at him. “You’re so cute, my love. But I’ve wanted to do this since I was nineteen. I can have it be special later.”

“Okay then.” He dove back in finding a place on her neck to attach his lips to. She threw her head back and arched her back giving him more access.

While he sucked on her neck he started undoing the buttons on her top. Once he popped the last one, he made his way down to her chest. His lips traced a path with his tongue coming out every so often to lick at her skin.

When he reached his destination he reached around to undo her bra. When it slid off her body he let out a single “fuck” before he dove onto the left one, kissing and sucking vigorously.

“Fuck, Harry.” She put her hands back on his head and pushed him into her chest even more.

He moved to the right one whispering, “fucking perfect” before mimicking his movements from before. Y/n was going crazy above him and it was everything he had ever dreamed of.

“Harry.” She pulled his head up as she spoke.

“What?”

“Take your clothes off right now.”

Without another word he stood up straight and yanked his sweats off. He came back between her legs and carefully pulled her leggings down, stopping to kiss her legs every so often. When they were both naked, he came back to stand in his original position. He felt her reach down and grab him, to guide him to her entrance but he stopped her.

“Protection?” It was all he could say.

“The pill.” She matched his energy perfectly and that was why he loved her so much.

He pushed in and it was everything they both could have dreamed of.

“You feel perfect,” he whispered against her ear and then gave it a little nibble.

“You too.” She wrapped her legs all the way around him to hold him as close as possible.

His thrusts were slow and tender, as if still trying to make their first time special but it was perfect. She could feel every detail and the dragged out pace allowed for her climax to build slower and eventually release in one of the strongest orgasms she’d ever had.

She could tell Harry was close. She ran her hands through his hair again and whispered, “Let go, baby, let go.” And biting into her shoulder he did just that, as if he’d just been waiting for permission.

They stayed still, just breathing heavily, for a moment and then she felt her shoulder dampen.

“What’s wrong, Honey?” She softly combed his hair with her fingers, scratching at his scalp every so often.

“I just… I don’t…” He paused to take a deep breath, then leaned back so he could look in her eyes. “I don’t deserve you. As a partner or friend. I’ve been so shitty and oblivious and ignorant and an ass-”

“Hey, hey, hey,” she cut him off. “You are an amazing friend to me. You gave me a place to live for the last six years and you’ve given me opportunities to come see the best live shows I’ve ever seen.” He smiled at that and she kissed him lightly before continuing. “And if you feel for me how I feel for you, I bet you will be a phenomenal partner. Have you made some mistakes, including ones that hurt my feelings? Yes. But that’s over now. It’s just you and me against the world.” She brushed her thumb over his lips and they puckered to kiss it. “You’re stuck with me now though. You can’t get rid of me if you tried, so I hope that’s okay with you.” She giggled and he did too.

“It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. I promise I’ll never hurt your feelings like that again. You are the most important thing in my life and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you.”

She kissed him on the mouth. “Good.” She kissed him again. “Now I don’t know about you rockstar, but I’m starving.” He let out a loud laugh, and she realized they were still connected and winced a bit. “How about we get dressed and go get pancakes or something?”

“Pancakes sound great.” A mischievous smile took over his face as he untangled them and helped her off the vanity. “But how about we go home and make your pancakes,” He paused, the smile dropping for dramatic effect as he added, “naked?”

She cackled. She didn’t answer right away. She just put her clothes on (well she put on the t-shirt Harry had never managed to fully change into and her leggings) and he did the same. Then finally she turned to face him.

“Alright. Let’s go home.”

“And round two after pancakes?”

“Is this gonna be my life now?” She giggled. “Cooking and fucking on an endless loop?”

“I sure hope so.” He smiled sheepishly.

She leaned up to kiss him again.

“Me too! Now let’s go!” She grabbed his hand and led them out of the room.

#harry styles #harry’s house #harry pls #harry styles fic #one direction #harry x reader #famous harry #harry styles fluff #dont worry darling #harry styles best friend

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lilbluustar · 2 months ago

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*sighs* well... i just wanted to vent about the situation i'm going through, if you have any advice I'd be grateful to read it, if not, I'll be happy that you at least read this :')

i tried to summarize as much as i can.

i have (?) a best friend for almost 8 years, our friendship has always been very good even though we are very different, she has a somewhat difficult character but with me that never happened, we were always very close, we had a ritual of once or twice a month (thanks for the pandemic) see each other, eat ramen at my house or go out anywhere, 2021-2022 basically that's how it was and so was the peak of our friendship. I have supported her all the time, many times she made decisions that I didn't agree with, but I never left her alone or judged her.

2023 came and she started to find a friend of mine pretty, so I encouraged her to talk to her, and everything went well, they started dating, she was very happy and so was I to see her like that. our last date was in may 2023, because months later she became a girlfriend of my other friend.

but if i would have known that that most likely would be our last outing, i'd have enjoyed it much more 🫠

when she started to have a girlfriend, she hardly talked to me, the messages became very occasional, I kept sending her messages, telling her random things as usual and sometimes she would ignore them, she would answer me something very insignificant or just change the subject and I understand, I understand that when you have a partner you usually spend more time with them and it is completely normal, but you must find a balance and not leave your friends forgotten, at that time, I had a boyfriend, and sometimes I would cancel plans with him to go out with her.

2024 began (my worst year) and a few days later, I broke up with my boyfriend. I just needed her, she's my best friend and I thought she would listen to me, that she would be there for me and no, sometimes she didn't even answer my messages or I felt that she simply wasn't interested in me talking to her about my grief.

months went by and I kept sending her messages, I remember a lot one time when I proposed to see her before I started my internship at the university, we made the plan 2 weeks before, a week before I sent her a message again to confirm the date and she only told me "better another day, I don't have money" and guess what... that day she went out with her girlfriend to the same place where we were going to go.

months later, my ex came back to find me and yes, I was stupid and went back to him and she was the person who judged me the most, I felt horrible, she in her past went back to her ex many times and I never made her feel the way she did with me. (i'm not with this guy anymore).

time went by, months... until I realized that things were definitely not like before, rereading our previous conversations, I realized that she only looked for me when she needed something and what did she do 3 weeks ago? Exactly, looking for me just to ask me for help in something at uni, I helped her and I told her "you only look for me when you need something, if not, you don't even remember I exist" and she just told me "nothing interesting has happened in my life, but how are you" girl?????? I'm the kind of person who never let a conversation die and she knows it.

things continued the same, 2 weeks ago she got mad with some friends and me because she invited us to a course at her university, but it's in the morning and during the week, it's hard for all of us to go, even though we were nice and explained to her why we couldn't go, she got mad and started posting hints in her ig notes.

tuesday was my birthday and (my worst day btw), everyone was congratulating me, everyone but her, the truth I thought she was still mad and I cried a lot, I felt very sensitive about all that, because yes, it hurts me... due to my sadness, I acted based on my feelings and left a whatsapp and a tiktok group where i was with her and some other friends. i don’t really know why i did it.

until at 11 pm she congratulated me :) I felt it quite forced, but I thanked her and i let her know that i thought she was mad at me and that’s why i left the groups, but she didn’t reply. instead, she told a friend, "did she really get sad just because of this?" LIKE??? obviously, it hurt to see her indifferent attitude and to think that she wouldn’t congratulate me.

the next day, i sent her another message expressing my feelings more deeply. i never blamed her or said anything bad; i just told her that i missed her and that i felt like if i didn’t reach out, she wouldn’t either, and things like that.

she didn’t reply until the following day, sending a message that was basically an excuse, saying she has no time for anything because of school (seriously, in two years, she hasn’t had even a few free hours, not even during vacations?) and that leaving the groups was wrong, but that she still considers me a good friend. my response was very short, I felt like there was nothing else to say, and she didn’t text me again either. it makes me realize that our friendship wasn’t as important to her as I thought it was, unlike how important she is/was to me :(

but I’m sad that things are ending like this. if something was bothering her, i would’ve wanted her to tell me so we could talk about it. the uncertainty of what’s going to happen makes me anxious, not gonna lie. we’re supposed to celebrate my bday tomorrow, but i don’t think she will go...

i never thought this would happen; i really wanted this to be a friendship that lasted forever :( but oh well…

if you made it this far, thank you! I’ll update tomorrow :)

#🌾juwulstuff #im sad again #why am i like this #what is wrong with me #pls help #i dont fucking know

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grapejuicegay · 2 years ago

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A... rather personal defense of Pran

I've seen a lot of people being confused about Pran's behaviour and rather upset by him. But like @waitmyturtles said in their review, "I see Pran dealing with something really complicated." Which, yes. That's what this post is about. I just don't think it's about Singapore.

It's about Pran's OCD. I think there was a consensus last week with the way Pran talked about it that it was a recent diagnosis. And I think this episode just confirmed that for me.

This is where the personal part begins - I was diagnosed with OCD in 2020, in the very first few months of covid. When I told people about it I got about the same response that we had to Pran - it's not surprising but it's good that it's an official diagnosis now.

Such a diagnosis is almost a relief when you get it because suddenly a lot of things start making sense. But it also comes with a very fun challenge - learning to deal with it. Because while you understand why you get so much more anxious and overthink more than most people, you're also suddenly more aware of your thought patterns. You have to be, to find a way to work through them, to not give into the intrusive thoughts. But looking at the intrusive thoughts is one of the best ways to let them take over. You do have to look at them though, because you have to learn to recognise them. Because you cannot deal with them until you do. It's a rough cycle.

I was a few years older than Pran when I was diagnosed, and in a very different place in my life. The pandemic that we didn't know a lot about at that time looming over our heads did not help my anxiety, but the lockdown gave me something really special - time and space to work through it all. I wasn't in college so I didn't have the constant looming threat of deadlines and figuring out my future in that very moment. I also didn't have the very unique set of stressors Pran lives with - friends and family from whom you're hiding a relationship that if revealed could potentially lead to very severe consequences, consequences that in the past have been the worst of his anxieties come to life. Nor a relationship to maintain while being overtly aware at all times that this is not the kind of relationship your partner would really want, that they're only in this because of you.

And there is the sacrifice of it all. There is the thing that keeps coming up again and again - that Pat does so much for him. That Pat helps him all the time, that Pat's sacrificed so much for him, that Pran isn't sure he's good enough or ever will be.

Add to that the regular reminders from Pat that he overthinks. They're meant in a very good way and they do help in the moment, I'm not denying that at all. But it's also a fact that Pran struggles with. It adds to his concern that he's a burden on Pat with the way he thinks, that Pat has to do so much work because of Pran's brain, something Pat had no say over (something Pran had no say over but it's harder to see it like that in the moment).

I've had my diagnosis for the past 3 years now. And it hasn't been until the past year that I've finally started feeling confident in myself and my ability to regulate my anxiety, to finally start feeling like I have control over my brain. Because as much as knowing the diagnosis helps, the work you have to do afterwards is no joke.

So yes, Pran is going through something very heavy, but it's not the prospect of going to Singapore (I don't believe that exists just yet, but it's coming soon). Pran is in the process of figuring out how to make his brain work in his favour instead of actively against him. He's learning to rely on people when he needs to while fighting off constant reminders that he's a burden.

And we've seen Pran make a lot of progress. Any points at which he talks about being anxious are progress. Any time he lets himself be upset is progress. Any time time he says any of his worries out loud (even if he can't say them directly to Pat yet), he has fought his way through who knows how many intrusive thoughts to get to that point. And in the same regard - he probably feels guilty about having Pat say "I can't live without you" first. Because he's likely just as aware that Pat has done so much for him that this is just another thing he's adding on top of that.

But - and I think this is very big - he knows that he needs Pat to say it first, to give him permission to feel this, that this isn't too much for him to ask for. This is him asking for help to express himself when he feels like too much. It helps them both in the long run. And I do think it's a very important step to get what we saw in ep 12 - a Pran that demands love, that demands to be babied. This is him giving himself permission through the hardest part of learning his diagnosis.

I love that we get this between ep 11 and 12 because with this ep 12 also becomes a hug, a way of telling us things may be rough for him but he gets through it. He'll get where he needs to be, wants to be. Just give him some time. Because just like with the parents, sometimes time is just what you need.

#so this is probably the most personal i have ever been and will ever be on here #but i think it needed to be said #so here it is #bad buddy #bad buddy brain rot #bad buddy series #our skyy 2 #our skyy bad buddy #i understand people being upset with him #but i think it's important to understand why he's acting the way he is #especially when you add in a pretty serious mental health diagnosis #and they are dealing with it pretty well!#i think showing the struggle is important sometimes #and at least they're showing a version of it that makes sense #it's not just a need for everything to be orderly - although that can be part of it and likely is for pran #but it never just ends there

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alpaca-clouds · 6 months ago

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The Dawn of Everything

I finished reading this very long book, after hearing it being recommended in a podcast a few months back. I thought to myself that it would be kinda nice, given that the topic (the origin of inequality) is interesting me, and the fact that I really like David Graeber. I started reading some of his other stuff earlier in the pandemic. Mainly Bullshit Jobs, a book that I will always highly recomment.

The Dawn of Everything was a very interesting read.

You probably know the story that inspires it: "Humans once lived as hunters and gathers in small bands when they were all very equal. But at some point they invented agriculture, and more and more inequality would rise." This is a thing that is considered to be common knowledge - especially in left wing circles. Meanwhile of course there is a right wing counternarrative that generally goes: "Back when we lived as hunter gatherers we had horrible lives, but ever since we invented agriculture everything got better."

Now, there is of course a big challenge with this: Humans have been around for about 200 000 years. And our actual understanding for history goes back for about 5000 years. The earliest written records we can translate are from Ancient Sumer and were written about 3000 years BC. Everything before that... We know humans were there. We can say something about how humans moved and lived because we find their skulls and tools and art. But the few humans before Sumer who have written anything down, have also used writing systems that we cannot decypher. So all we can say about them is stuff that we can know from the archeology we did.

You might also see where this is going: Doing research for this book, Graeber and Wengrow found, that neither of the "early humans" theories named above, were in any way based in research, but just were two people making up stuff that sounded right to them. So, because of that, they themselves tried to figure this out on the basis of what we do know for certain - both from the archeological record, and from what we know from indigenous groups.

And some of the things they bring up is quite interesting.

They base a lot of their writing on the writing of indigenous people over the last 500 years. Specifically also of how indigenous people compared their own cultures to the culture of colonizers. The book also goes into how early monarchies came to be and why people in some situations might have wanted to have kings.

Another thing the book goes very much into is into sexism, misogyny and also how those ideas often influenced the analysis of archeologists. If there were cultures, where a lot of the archeological finds very much suggest that the rulers were women, for a long while archeologist would go: "But that would be silly. Women cannot rule." One example named in the book is Minoan Greece.

I took quite some interesting things from this book - and I absolutely would recommend it to both my fellow anarchists and my fellow Solarpunks. Because I will once more say: We Solarpunks need to learn more from the past, rather than just hoping that we can solve all our problems.

I will write about some other stuff I learned from this book in the next few days or maybe even weeks, but generally I really enjoyed reading (or rather listening to) it.

While the writing style in this book is at times a bit too wordy, I learned a whole lot from reading this. Heck, while I originally got the audiobook, this is one of the few books I own now as both an audio book and a physical copy.

#david graeber #anarchism #anarchist books #book recommendations #non fiction books #the dawn of everything #anarchist theory #anti capitalism #solarpunk #lunarpunk

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genshinconfessions · 5 months ago

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I feel really bad about this but it's been weighing on my mind and I'm thankful for blogs like this. I've been playing Genshin since launch. Yeah, I'm old haha, I'm 26 (I know that's not old but in relation to the fandom), but Genshin was my first step into open world type games back during the pandemic and I've been keeping detailed notes on lore with each update

I don't usually interact with fandom spaces a lot. I use this tumblr to lurk mostly, so I've seen the amazing art and fanfictions people have written, and I've even written a few of my own! Over the years I've been working on trying to be more active in fandom spaces, so I reached out to some discord friends to ask how they make mutuals and fandom friends. Recently, I got invited to join a discord server that was about roleplaying as Genshin characters and I thought that would be a really interesting way to delve into the characters!

Let it be clear it's been about two months since this happened

TL;DR at the bottom, I'm very sorry, I never know when to stop talking

The server was smaller, 18+ age group, the layout was nice and pretty, and not just the owner greeted me when I joined but other members too. I won't go into more detail about the layout of the server since they might see this, but I felt nice and welcomed. I made my "sheet" with my basic information, and before I could skim through the other people's basic info, I was tagged and asked which character I wanted to be for general role playing purposes. I went with Alhaitham as he's my favorite sumeru character and it looked like most of the other sumeru roles were taken in the server. All good, right?

I dot all the i's and cross all the t's and the server owner says I'm good and I drop an rp invite in the appropriate chat and wait. And wait. And wait. My request gets buried by other members of the server after about two weeks, and I think maybe that's normal, I'll still chat in the server. There's a discussion happening about Lyney and Lynette's outfits in the main chat and I hop in, adding a little comment that I thought that they were a really cool way to introduce the House of Hearth and other parts of the Fatui, especially since when Fontaine first came out we hadn't had much new news on the Fatui since the Chasm and the Sumeru Archon Quest. One other person agreed but then I got told to be quiet and that I was spoiling the Fontaine quest

Well, more like they said "sshhuuuuusshhh, some of us aren't there yetttt loll", which isn't as harsh but just as strange

I apologized, said that I'd been playing since launch and that I'd be happy to put spoiler tags, if they just told me how far into the game they were even though the Fontaine quest has been fully released for a year. Besides the initial person who agreed with me, they all said that they were in Liyue. No problem! Well.. besides for the roleplaying part where they all were playing Sumeru characters

So I tried asking them about how far they were into Liyue's Archon Quest, one person asked me what an archon quest was and I stopped talking in the general chat. Don't get me wrong, newer players are what keep games relevant and can bring new ideas to fandom spaces! But like it's weird to be rping as characters from part of the game you don't know about, right? Idk, maybe I'm just not what the server is looking for

Last ditch effort I dropped one more rp request in the rp request channel, and the server's Collei responded so I chatted with them for a second before making a thread to rp in. I was so giddy to finally roleplay, especially since Collei and Alhaitham could have some really interesting interactions! In my head they're study buddies but I wanted to explore how the other person saw the situation. I set up a scenario where they would meet, referenced some locations around the Akademiya to help set the scene and some other characters, and waited for their response. The response was: "real quicc whos daena, faruzan, and naphis :3"

...

I checked the ages in everyone's intros and saw that the vast majority ranged from 16-18. In an 18+ server. I might have actually been the only + in that 18+. I left the server and I haven't found the urge to really look for a new server since. Maybe I'm being too sensitive about an anime-style mobile game, but I was genuinely really excited to get to meet people who like genshin and I felt like I was, idk let down? Has this happened to any other people trying to roleplay in the genshin community?

TL;DR, Been playing since launch and wanted to interact with the fandom more. Joined an rp server for the first time, advertised as 18+, and selected a Sumeru character to play as since everyone else was a Sumeru character. Was ignored in the server when reaching out for rp and then told that most of the people in the server hadn't played the game past unlocking Liyue on the map. Then discovered that the server actually had quite a few 16-17 year olds in it, making it not actually an 18+ server, and I left before I could get any more frustrated and confused. It's made me sad and now I just need to tell someone about it. How about even more strangers on the internet?

i will preface this by saying that i do not have any experience with genshin RPs, nor do i interact much with the general fandom.

it's certainly wrong of them to advertise as an 18+ server when many of their members were not 18+

this all comes back to smth we've tried to make clear on our page: the genshin fandom is extremely young and has many characteristics of a young fandom, including young members who have never been in fandomspace before and therefore do not know fandom etiquette

i'd say similar experiences are probably common enough, anon :( a lot of ppl have come onto our page and said that they're annoyed with how a lot of genshin fandomers behave, and that's either turned them off from the game completely, or just turned them away from the fandom

regardless, i'm sorry that you had to go through that :( i've tried similar things with other fandoms i've been in and it's always really disappointing to think that you've found a good space and have it turn out to be... not that.

#genshin #genshin confessions #genshin impact #rp

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colealexart · 2 years ago

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how did you first get into cr?

i can't remember if i've told this story on here before but here we go: i was really into the last of us, especially part 2. it came out just a couple weeks after my grandad died, so i was using that as a way to process my grief. probably not the best idea given the games themes, but hey.

shannon woodward (who plays dina) started streaming on twitch. i regularly watched her and became an active member of her community (and eventually became a mod) and the people in there would talk about this d&d show with ashley johnson and laura bailey that was on every thursday. i tried watching for ashley and laura, but i just wasn't into it. i couldn't really focus on 4-5 hours of people just sitting around a table playing dungeons and dragons (a game i'd never played before and didn't know the rules for.) the thought of having to watch hundreds of hours to catch up was daunting, even though i really really wanted to. i think i made it to episode 3 of campaign 2 and stopped.

a few friends who i gamed with (who are now my best friends) would talk about it constantly, and they eventually convinced me to try again. they told me about the animated recaps and said that the story really kicks off in the 20s so i was like fuck it. i had nothing else to do because we were in the middle of a pandemic, i was still grieving, and i had been looking for a show to put on in the background while i tried to work on my art. (tried being the key word here. i really was ready to give up on my art before i found critical role.)

anyway yeah, i became obsessed. i binged the entirety of campaign 2 in a few months. not only did i find joy in watching them play, but it pulled me out of my grief induced art block and helped me actually like what i was creating again.

i didn't get to watch the finale live, but i did watch it when i'd fully caught up and cried all the way through. i didn't realize just how attached i was to the characters until i didn't have them anymore. in a way, it helped me process my grief for my grandad. if i could say goodbye to them, i could say goodbye to him.

when campaign 3 started, i watched the premiere live but i said that there was no way i could stay up every week to watch it, since it airs at 3am here. i was very wrong lol. getting up at 3am on fridays is my favourite part of the week. and i'm very thankful for finding critical role when i did :)

#ask

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lindyloosims · 7 months ago

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Non Sims Issue:

This is something that has bothered me for a few years and it's really taking a toll on my mental health!

So...(warning, very long rant under the cut)

Question: Am I an asshole?

I live in a semi-detached bungalow with my own private garden. I used to live in a block of four flats (they used to be one big house) and we shared a communal garden area (with a washing line) and we each had our own private garden too, a small square surrounded by hedge. This will become relevant later. The house attached to where I live now has a little boy living there and here is where my story begins.

When I first moved in, said boy would have been around 5 years old. I didn't really get out into the garden much as at the time I was nursing my terminally ill mother and was in her room with her practically 24/7. After she died, the pandemic hit the following year and I was in limbo mode wandering around like a zombie, I was grieving. During the pandemic, a huge trampoline was put up right against the wall that divides our properties, and directly outside my bedroom window. At first it didn't bother me, but this was the year that I was writing my book and I was lying on top of my bed with the sun shining in on a lovely warm summer day typing on my laptop, when I am aware of a little head bobbing up and down outside, in the trampoline, waving and saying hello. I thought, oh well he's a kid, nevermind, but then I was doing the same thing another summer's day when I heard a scream and thought someone may have hurt themselves, so I move my head over to look out the window and I'm met with his mother's eyes as she's jumping on the trampoline with him (so she knows exactly what is what, she knows that is my bedroom). Now, after that I have kept my curtains permanently closed and I have my light on permanently too as they are blackout curtains. So you could say it's a tad inconvenient, have I said anything? No, because I have had my fair share of neighbourly disputes and I have decided to live and let live, even though they have no regard for my privacy.

Fast forward to last year when I got Bonnie, she is 14 weeks old and completely untrained (toilet and everything) so I'm trying to acclimatise her into living in a house as she had lived in a kennel all of her life beforehand. The little boy is in his trampoline, his mother opens the upstairs window to shout something down to him, notices puppy Bonnie and yells "OH HAVE YOU GOT A NEW DOG???" and I feel it's only polite to engage in discourse with her, tell her all about the puppy and her name etc. So that's fine, right? Well a couple of days later she steps on something in her garden that allows her to look over the 6ft+ wall and declares "Can we meet Bonnie, sometime in the week as we have a gift for her and (little boy) would love to pet her?" So I say why not, no harm in that. Except every day after that he's constantly interrogating me from his trampoline "When can I meet Bonnie? When can I meet Bonnie?" until one day I give up and tell him to meet me in the front street as I'm taking her for a walk. So he and his mother come out and meet her, present her with a gift, I say thank you that is very kind and we go our separate ways. Every time I take Bonnie out into the garden (bearing in mind she is not fully toilet trained and is still having the odd accident in the house) he's on his trampoline yelling "HI BONNIE!" so there's no chance of her paying any attention to me or my training, she's too busy (at 3 months old) trying to scale a 6ft+ wall to get to the little boy. This happened regularly and it has caused a lasting impact on how she behaves as an adolescent dog. He even would tell his friends "That's Bonnie!" and every time I was outside walking her, he and his mother would introduce her to their friends, it was like she was something to share and not my pet. But still I kept my mouth shut, trying to keep the peace. I met little boy and a friend outside his house one day and he was petting Bonnie, then he yelled "Ow, she bit me!" with no mark on his finger, no blood, so that was when I decided to avoid him and never allow Bonnie within 5ft of him. Puppies nip, and that was all she did, she did not bite!!! She has NEVER bitten ANYONE!!!

So now little boy is 10 years old, he has a blond friend who comes over on a regular basis and little boy now has the biggest goal post you've ever seen to go along with the biggest trampoline. He and his friend play football and scream a lot, which kids do and I accept that. I must mention also that at the bottom of the garden there is a grandchild of the residents who plays football down there, there are two children on the right hand side (little boy is on my left) who play football also. Now the reason I am telling you this is because I rarely get footballs coming over the wall from either of them, when I do the boy next door on the right comes to the door, apologises and asks for his ball back, I get a huge thank you over the wall when I send it back too. Little boy and blond friend, despite having the hugest goal post known to man, kick over not one...not two...not three...but FOUR FUCKING BALLS in succession into my garden every time they're out there! They also jump around on the trampoline and throw balls around which land over on my side and sometimes hit my bedroom window. One day I opened my back door to screaming "EXCUSE ME-EXCUSE ME!!!" now I have social anxiety, so I shut the door and hid in my kitchen for a moment as it frightened me. You do not expect that in a private garden! So I composed myself, opened the door and noticed a ball, so I threw it over at them, not even a thank you! Three more balls came over that day!

Fast forward to today, I hear them outside playing and I anticipate going outside later to put out my bin and find at least four balls out there as usual. But I hear a bang on my window, so with pure adrenaline and rage, I march outside and say "Excuse me, that hit my window!" to which little boy says sorry. I tell them I am going to get shoes and they can have the ball back, so as I throw it over I say "Please be more careful!" and go inside, no thank you AGAIN! No sorry from the little blond shit that my dad is convinced is a bad influence and is throwing the balls over on purpose. When they are on the trampoline they can see right over into my garden and into my kitchen, so my blind is now permanently down like my bedroom curtains. Here's a photo of the layout for reference from said kitchen window, please excuse my iPad in the photo and the kitchen blind, I had to sneak as they are outside right now! I've marked where the trampoline is and where my bedroom is, also little stars to indicate where their heads usually are...STARING AT ME!!!

I have to say, I had more privacy living in a communal building than I do in my own private home, hence the reason I explained my previous living situation! It's really upsetting me and I dread stepping into my own garden!

So if you had the strength and the patience to read all that, I just want to know, am I an unreasonable asshole? Or are my feelings valid?

#nonsims non sims #it's quite a read #but I am going through hell #very stressed out #tw death #tw illness

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aughby · 8 months ago

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Lines We Can't Cross

I still remember the first time I noticed Yuki in a different light. It wasn't during one of his many jokes, or when he was laughing with the rest of our classmates, carefree and easygoing as always. It was during one of those moments when the world felt like it had stopped spinning for me.

We were practicing for a chorale contest at school when I received the news—my close relative had passed away. My chest tightened, and I felt a wave of guilt wash over me for not being with my family, for missing practice, for everything. I didn’t know what to do, but for some reason, I messaged Yuki about it. I don’t even know why I chose him out of all people, but in that moment of vulnerability, I just typed out my grief and sent it to him.

Yuki responded almost immediately. His words, though simple, were sincere. "Hey, don’t beat yourself up. Your family understands. And you know what? It's okay to feel sad, but don’t carry the guilt. We’re here for you." There was something about the way he made me feel heard and understood that struck me deeply. From that day, I found myself sharing more with him—not just the surface-level stuff, but the real, raw things I couldn't share with anyone else. He became more than just the class clown; he became my confidant, my source of comfort.

Before I knew it, I had fallen for him.

It wasn’t planned, of course. I mean, how could it be? Yuki, with his lighthearted teasing and jokes about how "no one should fall for him," made it seem impossible. I laughed along with him, but secretly, I was sinking deeper into my feelings. The pandemic hit, and suddenly, we weren’t seeing each other every day. At first, I thought that the distance would help me forget about him, that being away from him would allow these feelings to fade.

But the opposite happened.

Late-night chats became our norm. We shared everything—our frustrations with online classes, the emptiness of not seeing friends, the isolation. It was during these moments, behind the screen, where I realized my feelings for Yuki were more than just a crush. I was in love with him. But I never told him, not then. How could I? He was Yuki—my friend who joked about not wanting anyone to fall for him. It seemed too risky, so I kept my feelings locked away, hoping that maybe, just maybe, things would eventually sort themselves out.

Then came the end of senior year. I landed a job, one that would take me far from home. I told Yuki, expecting the same warmth in his response that I had grown used to. He congratulated me, of course, but something felt off. He was distant, not like the Yuki I had shared everything with. I tried to organize a farewell dinner, but he told me he was too busy. I even planned an outing for our whole group, but when my trip got pushed up, I had to leave without saying a proper goodbye.

I still remember the hollow feeling in my chest when I left. I hoped we would stay close, that we would keep in touch like we always had. But as the weeks turned into months, the late-night chats grew sparse. Our conversations faded, and with them, my hope of keeping that closeness alive.

Graduation day arrived, and I came home. After months of being apart, I saw Yuki again. But something was different. There was a stiffness between us, a wall I couldn’t quite place. We didn’t talk that day, not really. My best friend managed to take a few pictures of us, standing side by side, but we didn’t say a word. I congratulated him later, and he did the same. That was the last time I saw him in person.

When I heard from a friend that Yuki was moving to Italy for work, something inside me shifted. I realized this was it. If I didn’t say something now, I might never get the chance. I spent hours drafting a message, pouring out every unsaid feeling, every hope, and every fear. I hesitated to send it, but in the end, I did. I posted it in a blog, protected by a password only he could read, and messaged him right as his plane took off.

He said he’d read it once he arrived.

Days passed. Then weeks. Then months.

I never got a response. The silence stretched on, and with each passing day, I felt more foolish for confessing. Maybe he didn’t read it. Or maybe he did, and my worst fear was true—he didn’t feel the same. Eventually, I accepted that what we had was gone, the connection we built now only a memory.

Then, on Independence Day, months after I had given up hope, his reply came.

He apologized. He thanked me for sharing my feelings. But in the end, he didn’t feel the same. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about me—he did. But not in the way I had hoped. His rejection was gentle, kind, but it didn’t change the fact that my heart broke. The friendship we had once cherished now felt tainted by the weight of my unspoken love.

I couldn’t blame him. He had always been genuine with me, always honest. But in trying to express my heart, I had crossed a line that couldn’t be undone. I told myself we could still be friends, that we would move past this, but deep down, I knew things would never be the same.

Two years have passed since that message, and we haven’t seen each other since. We’ve stayed in touch, barely, but the closeness we once had is gone. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to face him again. Part of me wonders if I did the right thing, risking everything for the chance to love him. Another part of me knows that, even if it didn’t end the way I wanted, I had to let him know.

But now, all I’m left with are the memories of what we once had, and the understanding that sometimes, love isn't enough to save a friendship.

Some lines, once crossed, can never be redrawn.

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Yuki's POV:

People always say I'm the funny guy. The one who can make everyone laugh, turn awkward moments into jokes, and lighten the mood no matter how heavy the situation is. That’s just who I’ve always been—the joker, the guy people don’t take too seriously, and I’m okay with that. But what most don’t know is that when someone comes to me with something real, something serious, I drop the act. I listen, I care, and I try to be there for them, even if it’s just with words.

That’s how it started with her.

I didn’t think much of it at first. She was just a classmate, someone I saw around school, someone I would joke with like everyone else. But that changed when she messaged me one day, telling me that someone close to her had passed away. I could tell she was hurting. The usual jokes weren’t going to help this time. So, I said what I thought she needed to hear—something real. I told her not to carry the guilt, that her family would understand, that it was okay to feel the sadness.

What I didn’t expect was how that one conversation would change things between us.

After that, she started talking to me more, sharing things that were deeper, more personal. And honestly, I liked being that person for her. I liked that she trusted me. We became close, closer than I had ever expected. We messaged each other every day, and I found myself looking forward to our late-night talks. She was someone I could be serious with when I needed to be, but also someone I could laugh with. It was... easy.

But there was always this underlying thing. I could feel it—how she sometimes looked at me, how she would hesitate when we talked about relationships or love. I could sense that she might be starting to feel something more, but I never addressed it. I didn’t want to ruin what we had. And to be honest, I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that, if I could give her more than what we already had. So I kept things light, made jokes, even teased her about not falling for me. It was my way of keeping distance, of protecting whatever we had.

Then the pandemic hit, and everything changed.

We couldn’t see each other in person, but we still talked—about school, life, frustrations. It became a routine, something that kept us both grounded during all the chaos. And then, before I knew it, senior year was almost over. She told me she got hired at a company and would be moving away. I congratulated her, of course, but there was this sinking feeling in my chest that I didn’t want to acknowledge. I should’ve done more. I should’ve made more time for her before she left, but I didn’t. I made excuses, said I was busy, and when she planned that farewell outing, I thought I’d catch her later. Only, she left before I got the chance.

Months passed. She was gone, and we still messaged each other sometimes, but things felt different. Graduation day came, and when I saw her again after so long, I could feel the awkwardness between us. It was like we didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore, like something had shifted, but neither of us wanted to acknowledge it. We didn’t even really talk that day, just a few words exchanged, and then she was gone again.

Then came the news—she found out I was moving to Italy for work. I didn’t tell her myself; she heard it through a friend. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t reach out to her first. Maybe because I knew things had already changed, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. That’s when she sent me the link to her blog, said she had written something for me.

I told her I’d read it once I got to Manila. But I didn’t.

Days turned into weeks, and I kept putting it off. I don’t even know why. Maybe I was scared of what she might’ve written, scared that it would confirm what I already knew—that she had feelings for me, and I wasn’t ready to face it. Months went by, and the guilt of not responding started eating at me. I wanted to, but I didn’t know what to say. How could I? I didn’t want to hurt her, but I knew I couldn’t give her what she wanted.

Then, one day, on Independence Day, I finally read it.

She had confessed her feelings—feelings she had been holding onto for so long. I could feel the weight of every word she wrote, the care, the hope. And I felt terrible for making her wait so long for a response. But I had to be honest with her. I couldn’t pretend. I couldn’t lead her on.

So I replied, months late. I told her how much I valued our friendship, how much she meant to me, but that I didn’t feel the same. It was hard to write those words, knowing that they would hurt her, but it was the truth. I couldn’t be the person she wanted me to be, and I didn’t want to give her false hope.

After I hit send, I didn’t know what to expect. I figured that was it. Our friendship was over, ruined by feelings we couldn’t control. Part of me felt relieved, like I had finally addressed the elephant in the room, but another part of me felt like I had lost something important. Something irreplaceable.

It’s been two years now since I last saw her. We don’t talk like we used to. The late-night chats have stopped, and the easygoing friendship we had has faded into something... distant. I know she’s probably moved on, and I’ve tried to do the same. But sometimes, I think back to those days when things were simpler, when we could talk for hours without the weight of unspoken feelings hanging between us.

I don’t regret being honest with her, but I do regret that things had to change. I wonder if we could have stayed friends, if there was a way to keep what we had without crossing that line. But now, it’s too late.

Sometimes, the hardest part isn’t the confession. It’s realizing that once you cross that line, you can’t go back.

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Years had passed, and life had moved on, or so she thought. The memories of Yuki were tucked away somewhere deep in her heart, only surfacing in quiet moments when she allowed herself to remember the time they had spent together—the late-night conversations, the friendship that had once been so easy. It wasn’t until tonight, at a concert she hadn’t even planned on attending, that all those buried feelings came rushing back.

As the music boomed around her and the crowd swayed to the beat, she scanned the sea of faces absentmindedly. Then she froze. There he was. Yuki. Laughing with a group of friends not too far away, looking almost the same as he had in school—except more mature, more... distant. Her heart raced, and a wave of panic hit her. She wasn’t ready for this. She wasn’t ready to face him.

Without thinking, she turned and ran.

Yuki had been enjoying the concert, trying to lose himself in the music, when he saw a flash of movement in the crowd. It took him a second to register the familiar face—her face. His heart skipped a beat. She was here. After all these years, here she was, just a few feet away. But before he could even process what he was feeling, she was running. Running away.

“Wait!” Yuki called out instinctively, his feet already moving to chase her.

She wove through the crowd, her heart pounding louder than the music. She didn’t know why she was running. Maybe it was the shock, or maybe it was the fear of facing everything she had tried to bury for so long. But she couldn’t face him—not after all this time, not after everything that had happened between them.

Yuki wasn’t about to let her disappear again. He pushed through the crowd, calling her name. The sound of his voice sent a shiver down her spine, but she kept moving. Finally, she reached the exit, breathless and shaken, but before she could make it out, a hand gently grabbed her wrist.

“Please, wait,” Yuki’s voice was soft but urgent.

She stopped, frozen in place. Slowly, she turned to face him. The years had changed him—there was a seriousness in his eyes now, something different from the carefree boy she once knew. For a moment, neither of them spoke. The noise of the concert faded into the background, leaving only the two of them in the moment.

“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again,” he said, his voice low but steady.

She swallowed, her heart still racing. “I... I didn’t mean to run.”

Yuki smiled gently. “I know. But... we can’t keep running forever, can we?”

The weight of unspoken words hung between them.

The moment felt like it stretched forever, yet it passed too quickly. She stared at Yuki, his familiar face now so different in the dim light of the street outside the concert venue. Time had changed him—broadened his shoulders, deepened the lines around his eyes—but there was something else. Distance.

“Yuki…” she began, but her voice faltered. What could she say to bridge the years of silence and the painful words left unspoken?

Yuki’s smile faded, replaced with a somber expression that mirrored the weight in her chest. “I’ve thought about you a lot,” he said quietly, his eyes not meeting hers. “About what happened between us, how we just… drifted apart.”

She felt her heart twist at his words. The memories came flooding back: late-night chats, stolen glances, the warmth of their friendship turning into something she had kept hidden for so long. The confession she had finally sent him, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he’d feel the same. Only for it to be met with silence.

“You never responded,” she whispered, the hurt she had buried for so long rising to the surface. “I waited, Yuki. For months, I waited.”

He winced, the guilt clear in his eyes. “I know. And I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to reply. I didn’t want to hurt you… but I didn’t realize how much I already had by saying nothing.”

She felt the sting of tears, but she blinked them back. “You broke me,” she said, her voice trembling. “I put everything I felt into that message, and you just… left me hanging. I thought we meant something to each other. I thought I meant something to you.”

Yuki took a deep breath, the regret etched into his features. “You did. You do. But when I got your message, I… I was scared. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, and I didn’t know if I could give you what you were asking for. I wasn’t ready.”

His words hit her like a punch to the gut. All this time, she had held onto the hope that maybe, deep down, he had felt the same way but was too afraid to admit it. But hearing him now, she realized how wrong she had been.

“I loved you, Yuki,” she said, her voice breaking. “I really loved you. And you just… let me go.”

The silence between them was suffocating. Yuki looked at her, his eyes filled with sorrow. “I know,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “And I’m sorry. But I couldn’t love you the way you deserved to be loved.”

Her heart shattered at his words, the final confirmation of what she had feared all along. There was no ‘what if.’ There was no going back. Everything they had was truly lost.

She looked down, biting her lip to keep from crying. She had promised herself she wouldn’t cry in front of him, not now, not after everything. “So that’s it, huh?” she said bitterly. “We’re just strangers now, after everything?”

Yuki’s silence was answer enough.

She felt the tears start to slip down her cheeks, but she quickly wiped them away. She couldn’t do this anymore—couldn’t keep holding onto something that was never going to happen.

“I thought seeing you again would change things,” she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. “But now… I realize it doesn’t. We’re not the same people we were, Yuki. And I can’t keep pretending that we are.”

He reached out as if to comfort her, but she took a step back. She couldn’t bear his touch. Not now. Not when it was all too late.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, his voice cracking with emotion. But it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

She looked at him one last time, memorizing the face of the boy she had loved, the boy who had broken her heart without even knowing it. “Goodbye, Yuki.”

Before he could say anything, she turned and walked away. This time, she didn’t run. She didn’t need to. Because she knew—deep down—that this was the real goodbye. Not just to Yuki, but to the hope she had carried for so long.

And as she disappeared into the crowd, Yuki stood there, watching her go, knowing that he had lost something he would never be able to get back.

#yuki ishikawa #ryujin nippon #volleyball #fanfic #ishikawa #japan volleyball team #au

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inwintersolitude · 9 days ago

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- May 8th 2025 -

What's for dinner tonight? I made steak alfredo and roasted broccoli.

Do you prefer cold or room temperature drinking water? Room temperature. And sometimes I drink it warm in the wintertime. I fill up my kettle and set it to the lowest "keep warm" setting.

How many different things have you had to drink today? Three. Water, Irish breakfast tea, and sugar-free electrolyte drink mix.

When you read a book, do you use a bookmark or simply dog ear/fold the top of the page? I use a bookmark.

What's the nearest city to you with a population of at least one million? Toronto. Well, that's if we're counting just the city itself and not the entire metro area. The Cleveland metro area has about 2 million, but only about 360,000 within Cleveland city limits.

During the pandemic, did you use reusable or disposable masks? A mix of both. And I still use masks during flu/cold season, because ever since I had covid last summer, being sick makes my resting heart rate go up to like 160 BPM and I'm practically bedbound. I use the N95 ones, which are disposable, but I use them multiple times and hang them up to air out between uses.

What is your favourite local restaurant? There's a farm-to-table restaurant that's really good. Also a Lebanese place with the BEST garlic toum sauce I've ever had. There are lots of other good restaurants and cafes here but those two are my favorites.

Have you ever been harassed while minding your own business walking down the street? Not that I can remember.

Do you own a gun? Have you ever thought about getting one? No.

Do you know anyone who owns a gun? Yes, I have a friend who hunts deer and elk for most of his meat.

What year is/was your 10 year high school reunion? Will you (or did you) attend? It was in 2018, but I didn't go. I was living a 7-hour drive away from my hometown at the time.

Do you cut your sandwiches into triangles or rectangles? It depends on the type of sandwich and the shape of the bread slices that I'm using.

Have you ever seen a panda in real life? Where was it? Yep, at zoos.

Are there any postcards hanging around the house? If so, where are they from? I might have a few that were sent to me by family.

Does it snow where you live? Yes, we get an average snowfall of about 4 feet total every winter.

When was the last time you took a flight? Where did you go? About 6 weeks ago. My husband and I flew down to San Antonio to go to a friend's wedding, then we flew to Washington DC and drove to Wilmington to visit my Granny.

Is there a flight path over your house? Yes, there's a STAR (Standard Terminal Arrival) into CLE. My husband sometimes flies this route over our house on his last flight of a trip, if he's coming from the south. I never flew into CLE when I was a pilot, though, so I haven't flown on that STAR.

Does your neighbourhood have a lot of hills? Not really.

Have you ever had covid? What was your experience like? Yes, once. I managed to avoid it til June 2024. I was very sick for well over a week, lost my sense of taste/smell for a few days, ended up with a sinus infection, and it made my POTS worse. It's 11 months later and I still don't feel fully recovered. My tachycardia and chest tightness/breathlessness are definitely bit worse now.

Do you have any alcohol in your house right now? Yep, we still have a bottle of champagne that we received as a housewarming gift from our realtor, over a year ago haha.

Do you tend to keep alcohol around the house for when you might want it? Not usually. My husband and I rarely drink.

Has a romantic partner ever given you a pet as a gift? No, he would never do that. We'd never get a pet without discussing it together beforehand.

Do you ever talk on the phone with friends? Sometimes with Cory.

What was the last thing someone said to you in person? My husband was telling me goodbye before he left for his flights.

Are you hungry right now? What would you like to eat? Nope.

How far away are your parents right now? They live about 30 miles away.

Do you believe in aliens? Yes. There are trillions upon trillions of other planets in the universe. It's pretty much a statistical impossibility for Earth to be the ONLY planet that harbors life.

Have you ever been bitten by a spider? Nope.

Do you own any clothing made from animal products like leather or fur? Not clothing, but I do have some leather watch bands and leather bags.

What's the best vacation you've ever been on? My husband and I went to London for our 6th wedding anniversary and it was amazing. I could spend several months there and still not see everything I'd want to see.

#survey #surveys #random questions #personal blog

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ourladyofomega · 1 month ago

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I remember years ago when I was in Stony Brook, and I invited a special potential - an "apple girl" - to meet up with me at Penn Station and come with me in going to the Brooklyn Museum. It was so beautiful out. We pace-walked quickly under floating clouds, blue skies, sunshine, and light breezes on a pretty mid-40's April day. We only stayed for an hour up until closing, before we made our way back to Penn Station via the 2/3 line to wait for the train ride home which we shared. It was a day I always look back on in reverently fashion. I spent it with someone to my liking. One who I thought was like no other I met. The same one who was sober before she took on a painfully destructive addiction that would change her forever.

Today was the first time in eighteen months that I ventured into New York City. I was thankful that (what do you know?) blue skies, white cloud cover, and chilly 40*+ weather even happened after a straight week of rain and greyscale. I'm still not 100%, meaning, I did take some totes with me in case I wanted to ride the A/C/E line to Generation Records, but decided against it and saved the money for later. Though, it would've been nice to make a new memory, so I owe it to myself to return again.

2024 was not a good year for me. No visits to the city, no shows, no meet-ups. Heavy depression, uncertainty, hopelessness, and a Summer that never had a chance. More unwanted, unneeded interactions and rudeness (welcome to Long Island). The daily psychological barrage of the Palestinian / Israeli conflict, and the results of last year's Election Day. They all did a number on me. Only a visit from a long-time friend from high-school and my cousin's wedding saved it from going totally bankrupt.

This afternoon's ride to Penn Station and the blue line to East Manhattan reminded me of a time not too long ago when I was excited in going to city shows. There were years before the pandemic when I truly felt like I made a personal connection with Greenpoint, and even looked forward to meeting people I met here. Even the few treks to the city record stores (Academy, Captured Tracks) made it all special. I miss it all. It's easy to forget when you're constantly hit with depression and isolation. Doing all of those things isn't a possibility because your head is too busy concentrating on past trauma and repeating your losses over and over.

The good news is I'm finally getting counseling with a change-up in medications and insight to changing career paths. I'm reaching out to people more frequently, and I'm looking to see my Italian / Irish family soon. Maybe meet a new potential. I'm even feeling a surge to write once again through an ex- I haven't spoken to in forever (the apple girl), thus allowing me to do what I do best again: finding, saying, writing, and doing things and concepts others normally don't. The "sweet spot". Juan Atkins said it better than I could: "Be totally different from anything else that's happening, but not so different that it's beyond people. Be right on the edge without going over." That's what I'm going to do again.

I'm hoping that the weekly therapy will get everything off my shoulders. It's extremely hard to find people who know and experienced the specifics I'm living and dealing with because I'm not of the majority, and Long Island is not exactly what you call 'socially friendly' or 'understanding'. (I won't even start.) But everything else? I'm not ruling anything out. '24 had to happen so that a comeback in '25 could be possible. I'm wanting to be alive once again.

#personal #Long Island #NYC #New York City #Spring #April #alive #BK #Brooklyn #omega #our lady omega

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catbearexe · 4 months ago

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BACK FROM LONG HIATUS! IF YOU ARE NOSY OR NEW, PLEASE READ!!!

WOW it has been such a long time since i've used this platform. I used to use this website to religiously to feed my anime and video game fan art addiction as well as share my artworks. Here's what I've been up to since!

My mental health took a massive nosedive into the void. I didn't think I was going to even make it through college at all. Though, I think that is pretty common during the COVID era, but my mental health as always been a problem wayyy before the pandemic.

I attempted to delete myself permanently on New Year's Eve of 2021, but I woke up to DIY surgery on arms, multiple bottles of empty liters of vodka, and unfortunately...still alive. When I came to around 5:00AM, I figured that I needed to leave my toxic environment and ended up staying at a friend's house for a few weeks before I started my first day at my first internship in the co-op program. I made a few drawings here and there and posted on my Instagram, but they never really made rounds and I had a long pause in drawing overall for a good couple of years due to being under an immense amount of stress, school, athletics, and working multiple jobs to stay afloat. I was eventually able to stay in a dorm. But, when the bill came around for the semester, all of my internship money went down the drain to pay for just staying on campus at my University despite not taking any classes. It was over $5000 dollars by the time the spring semester ended, and my university doesn't tell you the cost of dormitory until the last week of the semester.

I did get my first partner around 3-4 months of going no-contact with my family in 2022, and then ended it around New Years of 2023 due to their family having strong bigoted beliefs based on their faith in Christianity. It came to a great disdain to me that they never even knew what I looked like, or knew what my name was until 3 months after we separated despite being together for about 9 months prior. It also didn't help that I went cold-turkey on zoloft as it began to be too expensive (my psychiatrist was also very judgmental and made me feel ashamed and each 10-15 minute session was over $200 co-pay).

I decided (last second) to obtain my graduate degree in my university's accelerated program, allowing me to obtain my master's in engineering within a year instead of 2. During my final spring semester for my undergraduate program, I was taking classes for my bachelors, masters, and physics minor at the same time. Yet, I had a massive improvement in my performances athletic-wise despite the busy schedule and stress I amassed.

When I graduated with my bachelors degree, my mother decided to show up to my graduation unannounced and made a scene, screaming at the top of her lungs that she always supported me and tried kissing my face in front of my class and my beloved friends that I actually invited. For context, my family were my first and only bully. Before I was able to have my own bank account, any money that I made went straight to them and I would have to beg them to give me my money to buy anything. Additionally, they ripped through my mail and got very upset that I got into school at all. It was like I was expected to fail so hard to give them an excuse to get rid of me. It also happened to solidify that my parents now know that I am a transman as my university outted me unintentionally. The looks of disgust spread around me while I was trying to shove her off of me, and she never apologized due to her thought that "that is my DAUGHTER! I can do whatever I want!"

(I am a transman, and have been out for almost 8+ years at this point)

During my summer master classes, I was able to obtain another internship that was flexible to maintain during my time in the master's program and fit with my athletic schedule. That internship ended up becoming the most flexible and fun job I ever had and solidified the reason why I chose mechanical engineering as my career path.

However, during that summer I ended contact with a 10+ year group friendship. I knew that there had to be a time for work-life balance, but it felt impossible with the things I had on my plate. The immense guilt in having to prioritize my studies and survival over my long-term friends picked at me for years. I had to choose pulling irritated all-nighters with sleep problems or miss payments of over $550/MONTH for student loans as well as my schooling, rent, bills, etc. I had to sacrificed meals because of the cost and time to even eat.

A few weeks later, my grandfather on my mother's side passed away, and my mother broke down after the first mass how "I NEED you to forgive me" because she missed me and everybody kept asking her about me, making her look bad because of how I was just cut out of the entire family. She never calculated that people in real life actually cared about me, and it took everything inside of me to not blow up in her face. She is grieving, yet she only cared about how she was perceived by other people.

Regardless of the scholarship, which I was awarded in exchange for becoming a graduate assistant for the undergraduate courses, I ended up having to reach out to my father that I cut contact with to sign off on my loan as I had nobody. As much as I did not want to having not contacted them in almost 2.5 years, I didn't want to drop out of school and had no where else to turn to. So I did. My younger sister notified me that our beloved grandmother may not make it past 2024. It devastated me. I decided to break no-contact after years of estrangement and began to cautiously come back to visiting my grandmother's household where my parents resided. It was no surprise that their treatment wasn't any different than when I had left, and tried my best to keep it together for the sake of the only family member that treated me like a person.

On a random side note, I decided to try to put myself out in the dating field again about 8 months after my ex-partner and I separated. However, it has come to a disdain from my now ex-friendships that I went on dates with men instead of getting responses back from women (the street works both ways, I can't force women to go on dates with me). I eventually found myself in a confusing relationship with an infantry officer that lasted for about 3 months until he messaged if we were just friends and apologized if he is being confusing. A month later, a close friend of mine messaged me the Tiktok account of said-situationship obtaining a boyfriend shortly after he sent me that message. They also showed the demographic of their audience being creepy old men thirsting over an online thirst trap of someone who is in twink-death denial. When they texted me 9 months after we saw each other, I made sure I made them sweat by telling them that I knew about their secret account. As it turns out, their family is not only extremely Christian, but he and all of his siblings were homeschooled. His family does not even accept his current partner. Despite the whole fiasco he pulled, I couldn't help but still feel sorry for him as I was in the same position once.

The whole year of 2023 had me feeling like I was on top of the world. When Christmas came around, I was just stuck in another depressive episode for another 9 months. My athletic performance went on a massive decline, I was stuck in my room isolating myself, and I was struggling academically and was terrified that I would lose my scholarship. Despite all of this, I still passed, I got my degree, I got a full-time high paying job right out of graduate school, and moved into my apartment.

To put the nail in the coffin, my partner and I rekindled our relationship and now live together happily. I was terrified that I was going to lose him again after he moved in as I started testosterone the day after running in my last collegiate NCAA event of my life. The irritation, the mood swings, the h0rnY definitely put our relationship to the test. I even asked him if he even loved me at all. Even after me lashing out, being a terrible person, seeing me at my worst, he sat me down and talked to me. He communicated that if I have a problem with anything, I need to tell him directly. He assured me that we can be mad at things, but we will get through it and we will figure it out. In the first time of my life, I felt okay with accepting parts of me that are hard to deal with and never even knew about. The anger of everything eventually went away within about 3-4 months. We now happily live together, go on dates, and are now hoping to go on an out-of-country trip to Japan at some point.

While our relationships has solidified, my health had other plans. After 5 years of not seeing a doctor, I finally had the time and funds to seek help again. I found that the sarcoma, that I was diagnosed with all throughout high school, is in my right lung an grew 6 times the size in comparison to my last scan. My wisdom teeth in my right upper and lower jaw will need an evaluation from an oral surgeon because it seems to be fused to my skull and packed in, my lazy eye has gotten significantly worse and will need 10-12 days of no work from surgery. I used up most of my PTO to go to all of these appointments, only to find that I will need more than 2 sessions of surgeries because of neglecting my health for so long. Gotta thank the American healthcare system am I right?

When I got in touch with a therapist, they explained that my brain has been under excessive survival mode for too long that my window of tolerance is so miniscule. Wrong turn, spilling a cup of jawn, any minor mistakes could result in a massive meltdown as I am not used to being in an environment where there is little to no stress. Thankfully it has gotten A LOT better.

I also got in touch with a lot of schoolmates I have been meaning to hang out with. Turns out they had the same thought and were afraid that I didn't like them anymore because of their focus on schoolwork. This phenomenon of my friends in STEM losing friends due to academics was sadly a common theme, and I am so thankful that they understood that we both have stressful lives we are living. What a time to be in to laugh at each other having the same thought when it turned out we were in the same boat.

When my ex-friend reached out to me again about a year later, I felt the utter guilt of having to turn down their offer to reconvene as I had a LOT of oncology appointments and getting used to moving into a new apartment as well as my job while taking care of my sick grandmother. I had no furniture for 3-4 months, and was in great disdain when they guilt tripped me that I made them a low priority over my lung having another growing sarcoma along with spending my time with the only family member that treated me like a person.

Another downside I have found is that I may have girl-bossed too hard all of my life. I used to over-extend myself in social situations and use unfortunate coping mechanism to last over an hour. Now, it takes everything in me to go out in public, especially to my Muay Thai classes. I can't help but feel my arms tremble and heartbeat racing when I leave my little apartment space.

It is now 2025, my partner and I live happily together, I have reconnected with my hobbies, and can finally relax and enjoy myself without feeling the insane amount of dread of what is coming next. I am also currently figuring out where to get tested for autism and ADHD as my brother exhibited almost the same symptoms I did with the exception that my parents actually cared about him to get him therapy and medication (his meds barely hold him back).

Life is great, and I am so glad to be back!

#life update #update #blog #catbear.exe blogs #life #life is good #life can be bad #it gets better #mental health #mental illness #autism #adhd #add #auadhd #living

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notimminent · 1 year ago

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So time to be sappy on main.

The top left picture was taken March 12, 2015. Two days after making my Emma blog. I was about to graduate high school and go to college, leave the nest and be independent. Hoping to start my career in acting. 2015 was one of the hardest years of my life and one of the most emotionally traumatic. My first college boyfriend wasn’t a nice person to me, to be vague. 8 months of my life was taken up by him with my only escape being tumblr as I made the dumb mistake of getting him into my colleges theater program.

Throughout these years, through ups and downs, tumblr and Emma have been there for me.

I got married this year. I never even imagined myself having a wedding, let alone finding someone who balanced my weirdness with a nerdy grounding in science. I went from being taken advantage of by the theater system where I was interning at (80 hrs a week with being paid only $150 and no housing accommodations) where I met my future husband because I had no time to meet people so I downloaded hinge at 11pm in the stage managers booth and he commented on my Carmen Sandiego cosplay, to being jobless during the pandemic and trying to figure out where I fit into the world. Theater didn’t exist in lockdown, not the way I knew it. During lockdown was when I got my first acting role outside of college. I was in a short film and it won an award.

Since lockdown, I did retail and now work a stinky corporate job. Most importantly, though, I’m doing what I wanted to do since I was a child. I’m auditioning and acting on camera. I’m a lead role in an indie film (top right photo was taken on set last weekend) and have a few other projects that will hopefully be in the works. I’m able to actually try to learn about my mental health and learn who I am and try to grow from the trauma I’ve endured. I am in such a different place than I thought I would be in 2015 and I’m so proud of myself.

2015 Shannon, hoping you were going to make it and do acting, you’re doing it. You are working towards your goal and learning to love yourself. I like to think you’d be proud of me, and I’m so proud of what we’ve become and what we are going to continue to grow to be.

9 years and counting.

#sappy post #ooc #ooc;;#[ out of breath ;; ]#I blame ghostbusters for making me emotional #sorry this is gross because mobile #[ mobile post ;; ]#[ Munday ;; ]#[ my face ;; ]

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cindylouwho-2 · 1 year ago

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RECENT SEO & MARKETING NEWS FOR ECOMMERCE, MAY 2024

As promised, here are the important news stories from marketing recently: SEO, social media, advertising, and more.

If you want to get this news twice-weekly instead of just once a month, become a paying member of my Patreon: patreon.com/CindyLouWho2