#when travis was like this is making me so happy i was like yes king me too

[vivitalks]

not tryna make a judgment call but it is inchresting to me that there's a whole arc in ethersea where they're trying to prevent multiple extinctions of various species and literally blow up and murder people who are eagerly trying to usher in said extinctions. and then like 5 seconds later make the entire blink shark species go extinct

[grigori77]

Critical Role, Season 3 Episode 106

Czepeku? Oh boy ... please tell me it's another fantastic fake advert ... PLEASE let it be a fake perfume ad ... oh boy ... yes, yes yes yes ... YES!!! Holy fuck ... whoa, Ashley you don't have to go THAT HARD ... fuck me she's so hot ... that was SO FUCKING GOOD ... I'm so happy with that one, that's WAAAAAAAAAY too good ...

Also Matt's t-shirt is gonna be SO FUCKING DISTRACTING, I swear to the dark gods ...

Yeah, we're all SO HYPED for Legend of Vox Machina season 3. I'm just hoping Rothuss is gonna be in it. I want Kerrek to be in the new season SO MUCH. Let Keyleth have her sweet and kindly uncle figure, it's so worth it ...

THE "IT HAS BEGIN" SHIRT!!! SHAME ON A SHIRT INDEED!!! He is NEVER going to live that down and I love it so much ... XD

"Modest collection" ... snort ... yeah right ...

Attunements and messages ... yes, smart ... getting through to Ira, then ... this should be interesting ...

Oh here we go ... Imogen: "He's down to play." Uh-huh ...

Meet up with him at Morrie's? Oh yeah ... yeah, that would DEFINITELY be interested ... wait ... Fearne thinks they might've had ... liaisons when she was home? O.O

Two expert liars going head-to-head ... FEARNE wins that toss? Fascinating ...

Heading to Nana Morri's in the morning, then ... okay ...

Ira remembers her ... OH. MY. GAAAAWWWWWWWWD ...

Bedtime, then ... meanwhile Fearne goes hunting for the superfan ...

Oh dear ... I wonder if him considering that egg "priceless" make her decide to just steal it on general principal ... oh, she's going THAT route? I'm sorry ... "stories of his CONQUESTS"?!!! Excuse me? O.O

Persuasion check? With a stupid high DC? 15? Balls ... yeah, I didn't think that was gonna work anyway ...

She's gonna steal it now, isn't she? Yup ... "Look how good they are ... ALMOST." LOL

It's not even locked ... WOW ... Raiders of the Lost Ark ... yeah ... and now she's trapped ... oh boy ... yeah, I saw that coming too ... this is really kind of adorable ...

He's praying for guidance to be forgiving ... wow ... yeah ... religious types ... LOL

Laura: "Are you dead?" Travis: "Oh ... yeah ... hold on ..." For fuck's sake ... O.O

Oooh! Breakfast! Goody!

Wait a second ... IS THIS A FUCKING HERO'S FEAST?!!! Oh, and that is a BURN right there ... Fearne, you deserve that ...

Laudna, that joke fell VERY flat ... yeah ...

"Top of the Pops" ... oh my gods ...

Yes, you are, Chet. You're starting a fucking cult ... O.O

"My liege" ... holy fuck ... Chetney: "I got lieged!" XD

Tiny carved peacock figurine, fully articulate ... that is fucking FIENDISH ... damn right that boy has been brought to fucking TEARS ...

The fifth egg ... oh boy ... what have you done, Matthew Mercer?

"Misery", by Dreven King ... LOL

The Birthheart ... and Keyleth! Yay!

Oh yeah ... plans for a quick escape, if needed ... yeah ... oh, and supplies! Yes. Also helpful. And yay! She's got 'em covered, of course she does.

Just a big fat bag of coins? Holy shit ... of course, I mean ANYTHING for her favourite halfling, of course ... :3

550 gold ... HOLY SHIT ...

Yes. Give that to Orym. Definitely. Tank the Wee Man when needed.

The mechanics of communication between the Prime Deities and the Betrayer Gods ... hmmmmm ... yes, a Religious check is probably wise ... roll well, Riegel ... 15 ... oh for fuck's sake ...

Laudna: "Open ralationships are in right now." Wow ...

To the Fey Realm, then? Or ARE THEY gonna shop first? Straight to Nana's place, then ... okay ...

Marisha: "Keyleth's more fun that Allura." Matt: "Allura's got strong ... like, sprinster vibes." XD

Another tree portal! Fearne: "Such a fun way to travel."

Yup ... first time in the Feywild for Dorian and Braius ...

Chetney gets some fey wood ... yup ... that's definitely on-brand ...

Ligament Manor! Yeah! This should be fun for the noobs ...

That is a ... CREEPY owl ... Laudna's loving it, of course. Meanwhile Dorian's keeping a brave face on while he's inwardly FREAKING OUT. Of course he is ... meanwhile Imogen's trying to keep him chilled out as she can ...

Oh fuck ... the flowers again ... please don't start screaming this time ... O.O

Braius is ROTTING THE GROUND where he steps ... of course he is ...

Dorian's playing music ... oh, the Cantina band music from A New Hope? Cute ... Matt: "We can't clear that." XD

Great. That's stuck in my head now ...

There it is. One of the creepiest houses in all the Realms ... how's Blue Boy gonna react to THIS?

Of course she just screams out: "NANA!!!"

The voice ... I have missed that phenomenally EXTRA voice ...

Here we go ... I can just IMAGINE Dorian's eyes getting wider ... and wider ... Robbie's face! It's priceless! XD

Greetings, Dorian. This is going to live in your nightmares for DECADES. And the second mouth ... Dorian: "Oh, grandma kisses are always wet!" LOL

Wwo ... oh, she LIKES the minotaur ... and is Sam making Braius' voice EXTRA low right now? LOL ... oh, this is too priceless ... wow ... he is actually FLIRTING right now, I love it ... oh yes! Drinks! Drinks are good, yes ...

Nana: "You're so CUTE!!! Where are you FROM? You smell like shadow and bad choices!"

Ah yes ... of course ... we should've REMEMBERED that this sudden success of Chetney's must be down to the deal he made with her ...

What are the chances Fearne really DOES have a second face down in her marsupial pouch?

Imogen (to Braius): "Do YOU have siblings?" Braius: "... I hadn't thought of that." LOL

THE TIKI BAR!!! YAY!!!

Oh ... dropping the news that Ira might be dropping by ... oh ... this just got interesting ... that's a very ... UNEXPECTED reaction from her there ... hmmmmm ... O.O

Insight check THE FATESTITCHER?!!! Seriously?

Bountiful luck ... Laura: "I reroll ones? Just because you're NEAR me?" O.O

Yeah ... the death of FCG ... I really didn't need THAT wound reopening just yet ... thanks for that ...

The weird dead Ruidian ... THING in the jar ... yeah, Laudna would be reluctant to part with THAT ... oh, a trade? Yeah, that'd probably work better ...

Oh shit ... enter the Nightmare King ... here we go ... oh, so he's LITERALLY just come STRAIGHT from the Red Moon ...

That is a VERY unsettling handshake ... O.O

She's giving him the COLD SHOULDER ... I love it ... and making out like Braius is the new boytoy ... XD ... that's hilarious and adorable in the freakiest way possible ...

Ira: "I like boom-boom." Oh boy ...

Noooooooo ... Braius, you didn't ... that is SOOOOOOO BAD ... I love that so much ... LOL

Ah yes ... Nan Morri, you old flirt ... it's adorable and deeply unsettling ... and now Pate's getting in on the act too? Wow ...

Oh wow ... a flimpse of Morri in her youth? That's just FASCINATING ... and also pure nightmare fuel, of course ...

Yeah ... Nana and Orym ... okay ... how's THIS gonna go? O.O ... do I need to worry?

Birdie! Oh my gods! Awwwwwwwwww ... :3

Fancy magic lens-glass necklace? Cute ... and probably a little lucky too, I don't doubt ...

Getting to it, then ... hmmmm ...

Nine freaky long-necked six-legged spectral horses ... freaky shit ... okay, then ... oh, they can FLY? Of course they can fly ... wow ...

Oh ... good question ... how old IS SHE?!!! Oh wow ... the return of "time is a weird soup" ... :3

Thankfully, Chetney doesn't literally make a horse's arse of himself ... XD ... heading off into the wilderness with Fearne in the lead, then ...

Oh dear ... Fearne doesn't know WHERE they're going ... of this is embarrassing ... but atleast IRA does ...

Nana Morri slaps Braius's arse as they leave ... oh boy ...

Wondering what Braius looks like from the waist down ... dear gods please defend us from dirty minds ... LOL ... just kidding ... XD

Time for a break, then ...

Beacon is a "non-invasive subscription" ... XD

Marisha LITERALLY channeling Laudna for a moment and forgetting that she is NOT an undead creature as she cracks her neck ... oof ... O.O

Pass Without a Trace? Oh these things?

Starting to reel off Japanese junkfood names for their horses ... oh yeah, with this crew I am NOT surprised ... voice actor's man ... XD

"Spread your legs ... I mean your wings ..." Oh dear ... well done, Matt ... Ashley: "I was spreading my legs all over town ..." LIam invokes the shirt once they're all dissolved into a cackling mess ... XD

Time to hide, yeah ... nd they need to REIN THEIR RIDES IN too ... oh boy ... this is not good ...

The trees are DANGEROUS ... fucking hell ... they're actually getting CUT UP riding through this shit! Oh dear ...

Imogen Temult, Horse Girl ...

Ashton literally DESTROYS a fey bird when he runs into it ... ouch ...

Coming to a stop, then ... and the horses go POOF!!! Great ...

Orym is as lithe and skilful a climber as ever, then ...

Wow ... this place is GORGEOUS, even in its state of decrepitude ... and that is one BIG ASS temple in the middle of it all ... yeah, looks like this place has beenm COMPLETELY abandoned ... just a whole lot of CORPSES ... OLD ones, looks like ...

Dragging Fearne up onto the wall like a sack of potatoes ... oh dear ... XD

SOLDIERS!!! Watch out for that ... potential trouble, then ... looks tricky, that ...

Hunter's Bane? Hmmm ... nothing iffy here, looks like ...

Pass Without a Trace ...

Chetney and Imogen climb down to sneask into the town itself, Dorian following with Ira taking up the rear ... and Telepathic Link between the group? Smart ...

Fearne trips and makes noise at the WORST POSSIBLE TIME ... oh shit ... O.O ... is this gonna be a bad thing? Yeah, that hawk can't mean anything good ... balls ... Laudna makes Pate turn invisible and sends him after it ...

Dead elf ... hmmm ... Grim Psychometry? Really? Lovely ... oh, this can't be good AT ALL ... something truly HORRIBLE happened here ...

THE WATER? That's what did it? They were all POISONED by something in the water? Something monstrous? Charming ...

So they're definitely based IN the temple, then ...

Big black dog ... with a human face ... well that's ... unsettling. That can't be good either ...

Battlemap? PLEASE tell me this is just for REFERENCE ... that we don't actually NEED THIS ... hollow prayers, I know ...

That is a fricking SWEET set-up, though ... O.O

At least the bone-rat has high stealth ... except when Marisha rolls proper BALLS ... 7? Oh gods ... yeah, there's NO WAY they could've possibly missed that ... and then he APOLOGISES for being clumsy. OUT LOUD ...

NOW Dorian remembers he can turn Invisble ...

The Monocle of True Essence with Arcane Eye ... okay, then ... Chetney, what do your non-elf eyes see?

Matt: "Chet's way off --" Marisha: "Yeah he is." Oof ... XD

Sneaky sentries? WITH crossbows? Crap ... that's not good ...

Dorian's having trouble getting the hang of communicating through the Telepathic Link and it's adorable. XD

Some winged invisible thing wrapped around the side of the temple ... oh shit ... yeah, OF COURSE it's fucking Gloamglut! Great ...

Ludinus! You asshat! Great ... and of course that has to be Zathuda with him ... meanwhile whoi's this other guy with the soldiers? Another Unseelie elf, of course, but ...

Load-bearing pillars? The fact that Matt SPECIFICALLY described them as "load-bearing" ... yeah, that could be useful somehow ...

Ira Wendigoth, jumping the gun ... of course he does ...

The mini! The Ira mini! It's so cool! O.O

Working out what they can actually DO ...

Chetney wolfs out and goes Invisible ... and puts on his fancy flesh armour ... eww ...

How the hell can LIAM O'BRIEN possible have rolled TWO NAT1S on Stealth in a row? I didn't think that was possible ...

Chetney lands two hits and CRITS a third ... ouch ... he's just gonna straigh up MURDER this poor bastard ... 23 for the first and 19 for the second ... the last is the decider. HDYWTDT ... yeah ... oh, that is BRUTAL ... like I said, straight up murder ...

That's right, Dorian can't cast without dropping his Invisibility ... be careful, Robbie ... he tries to Charm it? Wow ... and it WORKS ... holy shit ... this freaky dog is WEIRD ... wow ... he's actually trying to convince it to just GO STRAY ... what the fuck even IS THIS SHIT right now? O.O Oh my gods I can't believe that ACTUALLY FUCKING WORKED ...

And now this other guy's GOING AFTER IT ... crap ... and he sees Dorian ... BALLS!!!

Braius throws Silence upon him ... okay ... then ImogenPsychic Lances him ... good thing the guy's DUMB ... fuck that's a lot of dice ... how much are you about to hurt this guy, Laura Bailey? 25 points of Psychi damage? OUCH ... he screams and NOTHING COMES OUT ... crazy ...

Laudna pulls a Chill Touch on him by remote? Using one of the bodies ... oh fuck NAT20!!! Holy shit ... 38 ... oh yeah, DEFINITELY HDYWTDT ... she just gets the dead hands to DRAG HIM INTO THE GROUND like in Drag Me To Hell ... holy shit ... O.O

More Silence ... okay then, Ira ...

Meanwhile the third guy's starting to twig ...

Chetney and Ashton both hit him simulataneously ... Nat20 from Travis ... this is going CRAZY well so far ... Matt: "How do you guys wanna do this?" Of course! Fucking hell, Chet ... that is NASTY ...

What's Ira doing? O.O ... oh, he just freezes them both on the spot ... so Orym just rushes in with Ashton in tow, Braius following their lead ... Orym Misty Steps in close while Braius Silences them ...

Orym Crits on his target because he's Paralyzed ... 30 damage for the first hit, 24 on the second, 32 on the third ... yeah, he kills the poor bastard on the spot. Ouch ...

Ashton Crits ON TOP of his ALREADY Crit ... wow ... he does the Cosmic Space Rage and it goes all red ... Taliesin is DOING MATHS ... yeah, that's yet ANOTHER HDYWTDT ... he grabs him, pounds on him, drops him THROUGH A WORMHOLE and then drops him thirty feet out the other sid to the ground ... oh that is NASTY ... poor bastard ...

So that was ... remarkably easy ... now they just have to deal with whoever's INSIDE ...

MORE furtive planning on the next stage and what they can actually DO ...

Oh, so there's an ARGUMENT going on inside? So everything is not so merry in there? Orym listens in ...

Yeah, this DOES sound a bit frayed ... clear disharmony ... whoever this is, they're clearly uncomfortable under Ludinus' thumb ... oh, so it's ZATHUDA who's straining at the leash? Wow ... that's even MORE fractious than we hoped it was ...

Decision point ... so Laudna just casts Animate Object on the statue of the ArchHeart within ... oh boy ... O.O

Gloamglut touches down HARD inside ... meanwhile the other fey etc. go rushing in after ...

They're all just attacking the staue, then ... IMogen and Laudna go in, Imogen flying through a window, Fearne rushes in after, looking for the pillars so she can try and collpase them ... meanwhile they're all distracted, the dragon especially ...

Oh, is Matt getting another Battlmap? Oh, he is! Cool ...

Cue YET MORE plotting and prepping their next moves as they get a bearing on the fresh ground ...

WOW that Gloamglut mini is INSANE ... Ashley: "Look at him! He's so cute!" REALLY?!!!

The statue is just SHATTERED ... okay then ... NOW what?

Further planning, planning, planning ...

Time's running out, clearly ... Fearne has SECONDS left to do SOMETHING ... she bamfs Mister out to channel through him ... smart ... she unleashes her spell and turns the floor into MUSH ... and of course EVERYTHING starts to collapse inwards ... so she starts running back out ...

Imogen unleashes her Telekinesis to pull the pillars down quicker, while Ashton burrows in using his Titan form ... it's all just pure confusion ... while the dragon spots her ...

And then Matt calls it a night! Shit! What does that mean? What further madness does he have planned?

[mintywolf]

AO3 Tag Game Thing

Tagged by @astoriacolumnstaircase. Thank you!

How many fandoms have you written for?

Ever? I mean my first ever was a Sound of Music sequel that I wrote in kindergarten. But if you mean like posted online, five. Chronologically: Phantom of the Opera, BloodRayne, Final Fantasy X, Fire Emblem Fates, and Critical Role. On AO3 right now though I only have FE and CR because some of those were before I came to AO3 and I also have a(n admittedly bad) habit of destroying old or unfinished works that I don’t think I’m going to come back to. :\ (RIP The Heretic’s Daughter, you just never found your audience.)

What’s your favorite fic on your Ao3?

The one I’m most excited about is A Long Road Home, although it’s a comic that I’m crossposting to there from tumblr. Definitely the one that’s taking the highest level of dedication and the one with upcoming plot developments that I’m most eager to get to!! I’ve been really happy about how kindly it’s been received by the fandom and how many people seem to be enjoying it. I am too.

Although I’ve kind of moved on from the fandom I’m still pretty proud of Nohrian Lullaby, because it’s a complete novel (with illustrations!). While it stands on its own it was however the first part of a planned trilogy but now that I’ve gotten into Critical Role I think I’d have a hard time going back to it, haha. It was Fire Emblem’s voice cast that led me to CR but now that I’ve gotten to know them all I feel like I’d have a hard time approaching e.g. King Garon and Queen Mikoto with the solemnity they have in the game knowing now what Travis and Marisha are like at the table. XD

Have you posted elsewhere? If yes, which of those fics is your favorite?  

I’m most proud of Guardian (another comic) because that was a huge undertaking and in order to do it I had to forcibly overcome the SEVERE executive dysfunction that had been hindering me for my entire life. (Absolutely trashed my school performance and for some reason none of the adults around me seemed to think that this might be a symptom of a larger problem? I was just repeatedly told “But you’re smart! You just need to work harder!” and could not figure out why I just couldn’t.) But when I started working on that and was kind of floundering at the beginning having a hard time keeping up with it, I told myself that if I wanted to see it exist in the world, then I had to be the one to create it, and basically brute-forced myself out of a lifetime habit of destructive procrastination. I taught myself to break a huge task (200+ page comic) into smaller tasks (one page at a time) and set a schedule to make that workable (day one sketch, day two lineart, and so on). And now I sincerely don’t allow myself to procrastinate anymore. If I’m given a task to do I know to get it done ASAP before it starts to seem unconquerably huge and that is honestly as much as an accomplishment as the comic itself. It’s still a struggle but it has improved the quality of my life by a lot. (Still have not received diagnosis or treatment for whatever is causing the executive dysfunction! But at least I’ve managed to wrestle that beast to the ground and am continuing to hold it there.)

How many bookmarks do you have on AO3?

I only recently figured out what they are for, haha, so 6.

How many unread comments do you have?

None! See the above procrastination thing. I have already replied to them all. :)

Any subscriptions?

About as many as the bookmarks. Currently I’m most looking forward to updates from Consequences of a Bleeding Heart and The Madness from the Salt. :D

Any favorite tags?  

Laudna & Imogen Temult, Laudna/Imogen Temult, and within those I tend to comb through for AUs with an interesting premise. (Judging by my bookmarks my definition of “interesting” seems to trend towards “vampires” haha.)

I don’t know if she’s still active on tumblr but I’m gonna tag @auronlu bc she has had a very respectable fic writing career! (Feel free to ignore this, however.)

[marswr1tes]

connor stoll dating hcs

requested? yes / no

request: Hey came across ur lercy fic it’s great btw and I was wondering could u do Connor stoll x reader fluff thxs

pairing: connor stoll x gn!reader

author's notes: i'm glad you liked my lercy fic anon!! and anything for you bestie, of course i can do some connor fluff. i hope its okay that it's headcanons though xx. (header creds)

warnings: slight nsfw?? not really though, i just say connor's an ass guy. also curse words and mentions of vaginas and periods. nothing in graphic detail.

tags: @stylishharry

word count: 575

═════════════════════════════════════════════

- first off,

- a goddamn god in disguise

- have y'all seen that hottie? no? GET ON IT

- moving on to the actual hcs, his love languages are gifts and teasing/pranks<33

- before y'all started dating, he pranked you a lot

- (not super bad pranks he just wanted your attention jshsjsh)

- when you started to prank him back he went "!!!" and then made an elaborate scheme of some sort to ask you out

- he won't date someone if travis doesn't like them, so when travis was like "dude go ask them out" he schemed. he mf schemed so hard.

- he adores when you play with his hair or lightly scratch his scalp

a literal puppy

- thrifting

- he as this fun thing where he sees basically any item and is like

- "hm, you know who'd look good in that? my babe"

- and next thing you know there's a lanky lil' elf running towards you

- HEY🗣️ LISTEN🗣️

- SHOWERS TOGETHER

- imagine how soft n cuddly 🥺🥺🥺

- subtle sweet touches

- massaging in body wash or shampoo/conditioner

- sighs of happiness

- just pls let me date him god

- even for like 5 minutes

- he gives off mpdb vibes

-OH MY GOD DYING HIS HAIR

- DYING YALLS HAIR TOGETHER IF YOU'RE INTO THAT??

- oh speaking of hair dye

- y'all most definitely have dyed travis's hair before

- maybe once

- maybe twice

- maybe more

- tbh he should know y'all will hit him with it at any chance you get by now

- connor is a HUGE ass man

- i will NOT receive criticism on that

- ✨making out on rooftops✨

- if you have a vag and you get periods im gonna be the first one to tell you

- he kinda gets the ick from it

- which, understandable, i mean you are uncontrollably bleeding from a random hole in your body for like a week straight

- but that doesn't stop him from comforting you!!

- want him to rub your tummy? he's on it

- want him to cuddle you? he's o n i t

- want him to carry you around everywhere so you barely have to move?

- HE'S ON IT

- also, pda king!!

- will probably makeout with you anywhere and everywhere

(unless you're uncomfy with that sort of thing)

- surprise kisses

- random kisses

- kisses kisses kisses

- he's weirdly good at planning dates

- like you'd think he just be like "oh look a random fun place let's go"

- but no

- he spends a lot of time planning them out

- he is SO jealous

- he tries not to be, but he can't help it

- one time your (male) friend gave you a kiss on the cheek as a greeting, and connor LOST IT

- he's somehow trained himself to kiss you, even in his sleep

- you hadn't realized this until you knew he was dead asleep, crawled into bed, and like 2 minutes later, he reached over to spoon you and kissed your forehead

- and you were like ???

- so you tried to see if he was awake by whispering his name

- but lo and behold

- he was still dead asleep

- he gets so insanely distracted by you

- it's terrible because he already has trouble paying attention in the first place

- but it's great, because if y'all go to school together and he knows absolutely nothing, that means 💘💝💗💓💞💟💕study dates💕💟💞💓💗💝💘

- hear me out:

- jokingly calling each other daddy

- also i won't elaborate on this cause its a given but pranking each other and being mean to each other <3(affectionately)

tldr: SIMP

[prettytoxicrevolver]

Five Times Colson Baker Almost Kissed You and the One Time He Did

Requested? For someone else maybe (i’m sorry LMAO)

Warnings? None? 

Summary: You and Colson have been best friends for years now and had feelings for each other for what seems like the same amount of time. However, you always seem to be missing out on one another. 

Word Count: 2,902 (it’s so long but I promise it’s worth it)

One

“One hour,” Colson says, trying to convince you. 

“No.” 

“Please? We can get food after,” he begs and you consider it for a moment. 

“Alright.” 

Colson cheers loudly at this, picking you up and spinning you around before throwing you back onto his king-sized bed. He heads to his closet, sorting through his clothes to find something to wear and you roll your eyes at your best friend. 

Colson had been begging you practically all week to go to a party that Pete Davidson was surprisingly throwing. You had always wanted to meet his best friend but had never gotten the time to do so. That was the main reason you said yes to going to the party and the other was Colson was Colson and you couldn’t say no to those big blue eyes.

“One hour,” you tell him when you arrive at the house. 

“One hour,” he repeats pressing a kiss to your cheek before heading into the party. 

You head in slowly, making your way to the drink table first and pouring yourself something before figuring out what to do next. Just as you’re about to walk around in hopes of finding someone you know, you hear someone call your name. 

“(y/n)?” you turn to see Pete standing a few feet away with a smile plastered on his face. 

“Hey! I’m Pete,” he says offering his hand to shake. “I didn’t mean to sound weird knowing who you are, Colson talks about you a lot.” 

“Good to know,” you joke, and Pete smiles. 

The two of you end up talking for a while, getting to know each other, and trading secrets about Colson. You don’t realize how fast time is going until a drunk Colson finds you. 

“Darling!” he calls, wrapping his arms around your shoulders and leaning his head against yours. “You met Pete?” 

“Yes, love. And you’re wasted?” you ask. 

You turn your head to the side to look at your best friend when it occurs to you how close Colson is. An inch rests between two of you, and your eyes flicker between his and his lips. Your eyes land on each other and for a moment something passes between the two of you. 

"Y'all gonna kiss or what?" Pete says from in front of the two of you. 

You and Col both laugh, and your head rests on his chest. The two of you cast another glance at each other before you maneuver so your arm is around Colson's waist and his slips around your shoulders. 

"Let's go, big guy." 

Two

"Fuck!" Colson curses loudly while messing with the pearl-like necklace. 

You stand from your spot on the couch and head over to your frustrated best friend. As you walk up to him, his hands drop and you stand in front of him. You offer a small smile and reach up to click together the confusing necklace. 

“I’m nervous,” he admits as you work on the jewelry. “Why the fuck am I nervous?” 

“Because it’s a VMA and you’ve been working your ass off and you deserve one.” 

“But I don’t care if we win or lose,” he insists and you nod. 

“I know. But you still care a little bit.” 

After fastening the necklace, you fix it so the bullhorn is at the center of his neck. Once finished, your hands fall to his chest and you look up at him. 

“You’re gonna win.” 

Because of restrictions, you sit to the side of the room as Colson heads in front of the cameras to talk to the interviewer. You sit back and admire your best friend’s success, proud to have been able to watch how far he’s come and how amazing he’s done in his career, vma or not. 

“What I wanna let you know, you won the vma. I have somebody bringing it in for you right now.”  

Just as Colson begins to freak out on camera, you immediately start to jump up and down for your best friend. You want to run up and hug him and tell him you knew it but you refrain wanting to hear what he says in his acceptance speech. 

He runs through the og’s, Casie, his family, Travis, and Mod, and just as he’s about to stop, his eyes land on you. 

“My beautiful best friend. Just before this, she was reassuring me that I was gonna win and I trust her with everything. Thank you for always believing in me.” 

A happy tear falls as Colson continues to cheer and you watch until the interview is over and the crew cuts the camera. As soon as they’re finished, Colson beelines straight for you. 

His arms wrap around your waist and yours slip around his shoulders and you can feel the excitement and love radiate between the two of you. He picks you up and spins you around unable to contain the happiness and you’re both practically screaming in the tiny backstage area. 

“I won!!” he yells. 

“You won!!” you echo and you’re both laughing out of pure bliss. 

He sets you down and you take a step back, your hands moving from his shoulders to his face and you cup his cheeks and see a beaming smile greet you. 

“I’m so proud of you Col,” you say and he laughs lightly still not believing this all. 

You stay there like that for a moment, gazing into each other eyes and your heart beats fast as his striking blue eyes study yours. Your thumb absentmindedly strokes the side of his cheek and he leans into your touch. You’re certain he’s leaning in and you’re getting closer when someone interrupts you. 

“Colson? Is it okay if we get some pictures?” 

Three

“Okay, we’re gonna sit here and get all of our work done even if it kills us,” you say turning to your best friend and laughing. 

“Or, we could go to this party in the hills?” Kells asks, offering you puppy dog eyes. 

“Absolutely not. You have to finish that song and I need to write this paper. We can get it done together.” 

The older boy gazes at you from across the room and you meet it with ease. After a moment or so, he breaks and you giggle lightly knowing you won. 

You and Colson both had been putting off your respective work for days now. You were both born procrastinators, having bad habits for waiting till the last minute to get things done. When you met each other, it got a little bit easier to finish things though when you had to do it together. 

However, sometimes you got things done much later in the night than the two of you would have liked. Currently, it was almost 2:30 and neither one of you had made much progress. 

“Okay, I’m done,” Kells says coming over to your spot on the couch and laying down. 

His head falls into your lap and you instinctively let your hands fall to his hair. Your hands card through the soft blonde locks that fall into a messy mohawk formation on his head. You watch as Kells eyes fall shut as your nails scratch the sides of his buzzed hair before running through the locks once more, 

“Hey,” Colson says and you look down at him. You smile lightly at the older boy and he sits up at the action. He props up on his elbow, one hand reaching up to twirl his fingers through your hair and you hum at the action. Your eyes trace over his features, committing each perfect detail to memory. 

You suddenly realize you’re both moving closer and closer to each other until you’re centimeters away from each other. Your heart is nonexistent and your eyes shut in anticipation at the closeness. 

Suddenly the loud sound of your alarm goes off and the two of you split. Colson falls back into your lap, his head hanging lowly and sighing quietly. You scramble to turn the alarm off, completely forgetting that you turned it on in case you took a nap during your work. 

“So close,” you hear Colson whisper before he stands and goes back to his work and you find yourself smiling. 

Four

“I suck,” you tell him. 

“You don’t suck,” Colson reassures you. 

“Please? It’s one song, the last song! Please?” he begs taking your hands in his and tugging at them lightly. 

“Fine.” 

“Let’s go!” Col cheers letting go of your hands to pump his fists together. 

Colson had come to you when he was almost finished with the album and had only a few songs left to mix and go over to make sure they were perfect. After going over the album and the deluxe over and over, Colson finally realized what he was missing. 

“It’s just this part at the end, me and Dom already did it but I think adding a high harmony will be perfect,” Colson explains, leading you into the small recording booth. 

He wanted to add you onto body bag, one of your favorite tracks off of Col’s new album that he recorded with none other than YungBlud. The two finished the song, but Colson insists the ending woahs need a harmony. So, he came to you which you still didn’t understand in the slightest. 

“Are you sure you want me to sing? I’m gonna ruin the whole song.” 

“Definite. I’ll sing with you if that makes you feel better,” he reassures and you nod. 

The two of you get set up, Col explaining the process along the way and you try to follow along to the best of your abilities. After putting on your headphones and you both step up to the mic, your nerves start to kick in. 

“I promise it’s not bad. And we can always redo it.” 

You nod at your best friend and he smiles before giving Travis the thumbs up to start the audio. The backing of the song begins and out of habit, you begin to dance to the song. 

Just before the part you’re supposed to sing hits, Colson taps you and you look over at him and he nods as you’re supposed to come in. The two of you sing together, you hitting a higher harmony and Colson smiles wide at you the entire time. 

“It’s perfect guys,” Travis says when you’re finished. 

“We finished!” Colson yells. 

“You did it!” You yell back. 

It hits you both at the same time, the fact that Colson had finished something so close to him and your best friend had achieved something so great. 

You jump into Colson’s arms, your legs wrapping around his waist and your arms wrapping tightly around his shoulders. He catches you as if he’s done this a million times, his arm circling your waist and he pushes his face into your neck. 

You pull away, about to tell Col how proud you are of him when you’re struck by the proximity of the two of you. You both smile widely at each other, radiating complete and utter joy. You move closer, wanting to finally close the gap, wanting to enhance this moment when you’re interrupted. 

“Uh, guys?” 

Five

“Colson,” you whine from across the room. 

“Yes?” he asks looking up at you. 

You give him a look, the look you’ve perfected between the two of you that is always understood whether you say something before, after, or nothing at all. It always means I want food. 

“We just ate!” he exclaims and you burst out laughing. 

“We ate preppy award show food! I want Mcdonald’s,” you say in between laughter. 

“I mean,” he says, shooting you the same look and now you’re both cackling together. 

You grab your phone and Col grabs his keys and the two of you head out together. Some days, going to McDonald’s and just hanging out was the best for you and Colson. You got to relax, spend some genuine time with each other and do whatever you wanted. 

As you drive, you and Colson sing along to your throwback playlist and talk about the award show you just attended together. You two were getting tired of award season, and the speeches and the tiny food. However, you always promised that if you had each other you’d bear every award show. 

“Usual?” Col asks when you pull up the speaker. 

“Yes please,” you answer. 

Colson orders your food and as you pull up to the first window you try to hand him your credit card. 

“Venmo me,” he says. 

“I..” you begin and he tilts his head to the side in confusion. 

“Have no money in my bank account currently.” 

The two of you burst out laughing, the worker giving you confused looks as Colson hands him his card anyway and you try to protest but nothing comes out between the giggles. 

After Colson pays and you pick up the food, you tell him to pull over somewhere so you can eat. He ends up finding a secluded parking lot for the two of you to chill. 

As you eat, you two talk about random things, from stories from the week to past dumb things you two have done. You end up laughing and enjoying your time well past when you finish your food. 

“Remember when you fell at that award show?” kells asks and you begin to laugh.

“It was one time!” 

“You face planted!” he reminds you and you’re both laughing all over again. 

“You didn’t even try and catch me,” you whine. 

“I’ll always catch you I promise,” he says and you look over at your best friend. 

Kells wears a serious expression replacing the bright but rare smile on his lips just seconds previous. Your eyes search his, uncertain of the meaning behind the words. His hand takes yours, his thumb rubbing over the soft skin and his eyes stare into the distance as he does the action. 

“Col,” you whisper, trying to get the older boys attention. 

His eyes snap to yours and his hand moves from yours to your cheek. His thumb traces your features, trailing from your jaw to your lips and you’re breathless at his touch. Just as you inch closer and closer, your lips ghost over each other’s, and your breath hitches. 

You think you’re about to meet, a long-awaited connection when a horn blares out of nowhere, scaring the two of you apart. You both settle back into your seats, a soft chuckle emitting from your best friend as he shakes his head. You bite your lip, a hand coming up to feel the skin where his fingers gracefully touched and you can’t believe your moment was ruined once more. 

And One 

“Hey I’m coming over in 5,” you say greeting Colson from the view of your car. 

“Uh why?” he asks peering into the phone to figure out why you’re headed over to his place so late at night. 

“Cause there’s a meteor shower and I wanna watch it from a good view,” you explain and Colson laughs at you. 

After a quick drive, you’re walking inside of Colson’s house with blankets, pillows, and tons of snacks. When Col sees you, he hops up from the couch and helps you with the stuff. 

“You seriously drove all the way over here for a meteor shower?” 

“It’s a better view over here!” you defend and Colson laughs. 

Together you bring the stuff upstairs and manage to bring it out onto the rooftop. You set up, laying blankets over the rooftop, setting up pillows, and laying out snacks. 

“When is the shower supposed to start?” Col asks as he climbs back onto the roof next to you. 

“I think like 10 minutes?” 

Colson nods in response, settling in next to you. He lays down, his hand slipping underneath his head to prop himself up slightly. You lay down next to him, relaxed in each other’s presence as you wait for the meteor shower to begin. 

As you sit and stare at the stars, your mind wanders to the boy next to you. As cheesy as it was, you’d always be grateful to have Colson Baker in your life. No matter what happened, knowing him and gaining life experience together will be something you always cherished. 

You feel Colson moving next to you, and his hand slowly trails down until it meets yours, interlocking your fingers with ease. Your heart pounds slowly in your chest and you’re surprised Colson can’t hear it. 

“Hey,” he says and you turn to look at him. 

His hand comes to meet your cheek and you search his eyes. You sink into the feeling of his hands on you and nothing feels better in the world. As he moves closer, your breath hitches and you’re mesmerized by his stunning blue eyes. 

Then his lips are on yours, and the long awaited connection has sparks lighting from end to end. He moves slightly so he’s facing you, one hand holding your waist as the other caresses your cheek and you’re relaxed into his touch. 

As he pulls away, he places another chaste kiss to your lips and you’re left smiling wide. As you stare into Col’s eyes, you can’t help but giggle as the ultimate feeling of happiness overwhelms you. 

“Fucking finally,” he says and the two of you are really laughing now. 

[cadaceus]

C2E140

Hello, everyone, and welcome to my liveblogs/emotional breakdown over Campaign 2, Episode 140 of Critical Role. This was genuinely an emotional rollercoaster, and I feel so much and yet so empty at the same time? These are genuinely my longest liveblogs ever (I had a lot of emotional reactions and things to say!) so feel free to grab some snacks or water before diving into this one. Spoilers ahead, of course, so pretty please proceed with caution!

- I’m emotional thinking about this very possibly being the Mighty Nein’s last Initiative ever...

- THAT NEW LUCIEN MINI DFVGDHJKLD WHAT THE 

- Essek tied for first in Initiative let’s go babeyyyyy I’m so proud

- THE VISION OF ZUALA  😭 😭 I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS I’M SAD

- The Eyes get their turn??? Oh my god

- Ashley’s aggressive “don’t you fcking dare” when the eyes point at Beau me too, me too

- Whoaaa Caleb’s Glaive method was so interesting, I can’t believe that worked!

- STOP ATTACKING ESSEK SDFGHSJK IF HE GETS NINE EYES AND TURNS AGAINST THEM OR SOMETHING I WILL THROW A FIT

- “Veth keep your clothes on... I will cast Marine Layer” FJORD LMAOOO

- I will turn into the “leave Brittany alone” person but make it “leave Essek alone” WHY ARE YOU BEING MEAN TO HIM

- six attacks versus Veth... ruh roh raggy

- Yasha attacking Zuala makes me so saddd 

- NOOO Cad... idk why that is the one that made me tear up, but just the image of his family beckoning for him in this city of terror is making me emotional 😭

- “That’s my child’s mother...” LMAO TRAVIS

- I genuinely just copied their “shaking weights” motion in real life adhjkdlf let’s goooo Essek!! 

- VETH IS DOWN.... GOD THIS IS MAKING ME SO SAD DO NOT KILL VETH PLEASE

- “He’s gone... let him go...” oof okay that one hurt me

- Jester was so close to getting that Divine Intervention... that was almost so clutch aahhh

- why is fjord’s method of persuasion to molly just flirting with them LMAO okay king...

- “’Remember the fruit salad?’” Fjord/Travis looks so embarrassed, WHAT IS FRUIT SALAD SIR PLEASE SHARE WITH THE CLASS

- Essek actually succeeding on a Strength check to get Caleb free despite being a weak ass wizard, and then Caleb pressing his forehead against Essek’s in thanks... yes I’m soft I can’t do this, my emotions are kaput

- TWO NATURAL 20S AGAINST JESTER.....

- Jester being insta dead. I am not doing okay. Like literally about to start crying, I was not expecting it to happen that quickly or at all, she’s just so full of life and if Cad doesn’t save her.... I’m just so upset by this 😭

- One of the “Happy Thoughts” on Sam’s flask being “Luc all grown up” is so precious to me personally

- CAD BELOW 20 HP --> CAD GOING DOWN ---> CAD UP AGAIN WAS SUHC A EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER OH MY GOD

- Did Molly just scratch Lucien’s face??? Oh my god...  😭

- MATT YOU NEARLY MADE ME PANIC WITH THAT SENTENCE SFGDJKLD THAT WAS CRUEL I WAS ON THE VERGE OF TEARS ALREADY AND THAT ALMOST DID ME OVER

- Both clerics at 1 hit point.... everything is fine :) (scared version)

- CALEB WENT DOWN I AM NOT DOING WELL EVERYONE..... THIS IS SO FREAKING ROUGH 

- Jester clutch healer, not even joking, I’m so grateful for her

- I can’t believe that it’s been three hours with no break, I need to make a mug brownie to calm myself down, free us Matt Mercer (mostly /j)

- BEAU ROLLING TWO NATURAL 20S ON HER ATTACK WITH MOLLY’S BELT AROUND HER FISTS OH MY GOD POETIC CINEMA.... THE DICE GODS ARE REAL!!!!

- Essek using his eighth level spell on Lucien after he sees Caleb go down...... MY LOVE (also I wonder what he had been saving his eighth level for, since Matt said he was saving it?)

- WAIT IS CALEB DOWN OR IS HE LIKE DEAD

- okay. just got my answer. i am not doing fine.

- HOW DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS DSBJKDASL;KDSJKFDK JESTER YES JESTER YES..... OH MY GOD SHE DID IT I LOVE HER SO MUCH I’M SO EMO I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS

- Break? What do you mean BREAK? time to make that emotional support mug brownie though.....

- Caleb’s alive! He’s safe! Thank all of the gods!

- Yasha kissing each spot on Beau’s body where the eyes were... I love them so much.

- Uh oh, Caleb is going to try to revivify Lucien/Molly isn’t he? I know it... I know he is... but sometimes you have to let people go :(

- “Once you’re a member of the Mighty Nein, you’re in” oh no I’m going to cry then.... aahh

- Jester rolling a Natural 20 because she has such a good imagination is so fitting! I love her so dearly

- Beau’s appeal is going to get to me... I know it already.

- THAT NATURAL ONE HURT ME... I didn’t want Molly to come back (because sometimes it is time and they died saving the people they loved) but it still hurts, you know? To not get Molly back.

- ASHLEY;S VOICE BROKE ME... damn I was holding in my tears, but her voice when she said “there’s nothing else to do?” really got to me

- Molly being laid to rest at the Blooming Grove is so poetic, I love that

- Essek’s voice is going to get to me.... also Fjord’s “use your anger and let it fuel you” makes me think that he is speaking to his own younger self... GOD Fjord is going to make me cry

- When he said “Caleb Widogast, have you ever accepted defeat?” I was unironically waiting for a love confession

- WAIT NO WAY..... HOLY SHIT???

- DID CADUCEUS JUST ROLL A 2 PERCENT.... WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING 

- Marisha talking about the “emotional whiplash” no LITERALLY Ms Ray I understand you

- MOLLY IS BACK?????

- Matt turning to Taliesin and saying “Your eyes open for the first time in a long time” oh my god.......

- Empty. Love.

- Molly turning to Yasha and saying “Love” is so precious, I love and missed their friendship so so much

- I know I wasn’t sold on Molly coming back, but honestly this is very fitting and I love it a lot. It makes me so emotional, dear god... all of the Mighty Nein together for the first time literally ever. 😭

- “Long May He Reign” is trending on Twitter right now. I think you all know why.

- Wow, I genuinely didn’t cry this entire episode but the second is ended something in me just broke. I feel a bit speechless right now and my emotions are all over the place, but if you read all of these liveblogs please know that you are loved and valued more than you could possibly know. I love you, I love you, I love you; and is it Thursday yet? 

<3

[amy-issen]

ok so here it is!! i spent the last week solely making and listening to this playlist like i was POSSESED because this ship is lovely and deserved a nice playlist!  if anyone wants to know why i picked each song, i’m going to ramble about it extensively in the read more, so check that out if you want! hope you enjoy it! also thanks again to @birbwell​ for letting me use her art for the cover!

i divided this playlist in a few sections so let’s start with the first one (section one: first meeting/pining) i. in the rain - joe hisaishi i wanted to start with a short instrumental track to set the mood, and i looooove howl’s moving castle score, so i had to pick this one! the fact that it has rain in the title also helps to reference how their relationship began! ii. with every breath i take - frank sinatra “every breath that I take is a prayer that i’ll make you mine” my sister is a big sinatra/jazz fan (and also a yakuza fan) so she helped me with picking a few of the songs here! this one is very romantic, elegant and beautiful and i thought it fit the mood (and it’s what i think tachibana listens to in his free time lmao).

iii. gold rush - taylor swift “what must it be like to grow up that beautiful? with your hair falling into place like dominoes my mind turns your life into folklore i can't dare to dream about you anymore” this one is my FAVORITE song on this playlist, and one of the first i picked because this song just fits them like a glove. it’s basically pining 101, and i love that what taylor said this song is about “daydreaming about someone then snapping out of it.” i feel like the first part could be from tachibana’s perspective and the second one from kiryu’s (also giving a bit of a glimpse into the future, with the mention of a coastal town they’ll never find together) iv. first love/late spring - mitski “so please, hurry, leave me, i can't breathe please don't say you love me mune ga hachikire-sōde (my heart seems like it’s going to burst)” this one was another song i picked very early on because i love mitski, and i needed to include her here. i just wanted something to symbolize the trust that tachibana and kiryu have to share to work together, and the feelings that emerge from it, if that makes any sense. i don’t think this has a specific perspective, because i feel like this could work from both kiryu’s and tachibana’s (mostly kiryu though) v. real estate - adam melchor “every time I wonder how i'd carry on without you i'm runnin' out of real estate tryna make all the right moves i don't wanna hesitate i would bet the house on you “ do you UNDERSTAND how satisfying it was to find a song named real estate for them?? come ooon. ok that’s not all of my reasoning for it but it’s like. most of it, lmao another song i felt was about trust and feelings. (also a bit of a glimpse into the future, because i’m sad) vi. i get a kick out of you - ella fitzgerald “i get no kick from champagne mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all so tell me why should it be true that i get a kick out of you?” another one my sister recommended. i originally was gonna go with sinatra’s version of this, but i love this one and it just wouldn’t leave my brain. again, one from mostly tachibana’s perspective, get this man to sing this on karaoke night right now. vii. like real people do - hozier  “i will not ask you where you came from i would not ask and neither would you honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips we could just kiss like real people do” this is one of my all time favorites from hozier and, again, it just fit perfectly. tachibana and kiryu have both lived some very... troubled lives so far, and while they’re depending on this trust they have in eachother, none of them really care to know about what they’ve done or who they are. this is mostly from kiryu’s perspective, specially with this metaphor of being rescued/dug up from the earth with the whole being found in the rain and saved by tachibana and his poor driving skills. viii. delicate - taylor swift “this ain't for the best my reputation's never been worse, so you must like me for me... we can't make any promises now, can we, babe? but you can make me a drink” y’all are going to have to forgive me for picking TWO taylor swift songs but COME OOOON this is another one that i picked early on because i could draw so many parallels between the lyrics and things that they both said in that car scene on chapter 9 (mostly tachibana though) and i kept harassing my sister with screenshots to prove my point and i’m gonna do it again

ANYWAYS i’ve made my case, and now we enter the second section of the playlist at last ( section 2: actual romantic/fluffy songs because this is a ship playlist) i. good old-fashioned lover boy - queen “dining at the ritz we'll meet at nine (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 o'clock) precisely i will pay the bill, you taste the wine driving back in style in my saloon will do quite nicely just take me back to yours that will be fine” is this a bit of a cliché? yes. did i want to include it because it’s very cute and i’d like to imagine kiryu and tachibana having a nice date night with no people trying to kill them all the time? also yes. i love this song.

ii. stay with me/mayonaka no door - miki matsuraba “you in your gray jacket with that oh-so-familiar coffee stain just as you always are the two of us reflect in the window display stay with me knocking on midnight's door i beg you not to go home tonight” (translated lyrics) is anyone not obsessed with this song lately? this is the only song here i’m blaming tiktok for making me listen to it lol. in any way, this song is deceptive because it sounds really happy but is actually quite melancholic. i thought it fit their relationship well, and it seemed like a good addition to the playlist with it’s 80′s city pop vibes.

iii. on melancholy hill - gorillaz (covered by matt forbes) “just looking out on the day of another dream where you can't get what you want, but you can get me so let's set out to sea, love 'cause you are my medicine when you're close to me" this is a gorillaz song but i went with this cover because it fit the feeling of the playlist a little better. another song that i just love very deeply and i thought fit the sentiment of kiryu being like “hey i know we have Big problems and you’re very sad in the moment but i’m here for you” iv. (i love you) for sentimental reasons - nat king cole "i think of you every morning dream of you every night darling, i'm never lonely whenever you are in sight" surprisingly, not one that my sister recommended, but one i found for myself while looking for quiet  romantic songs. i feel like this is tachibana's reply to kiryu being there for him and helping him. plus, idk i just wanted to imagine them slow dancing to this. v. positions - ariana grande (covered by travis atreo) "perfect, perfect you're too good to be true but I get tired of runnin', fuck it now, i’m runnin' with you" i picked this cover because i felt like using ariana's one would be a little goofy for this section lmao, but i really like this song and how it's about commitment and doing everything to make a relationship work. i just wanted to throw some sexy vibes before this playlist delved into depressing stuff. also if you telling me tachibana wouldn't absolute body a tiktok set to this song you're lying to yourself. (section 3: oh no this is getting sad) i. forever - labrinth "i'll live forever" i love everything labrinth makes, the euphoria soundtrack lives in my mind rent free and this is my favorite one. this barely has any lyrics so, again, mostly a track i picked for its intrumentals and feeling overall. mostly preparing you for the sad stuff ahead. ii. hong kong - gorillaz "you swallow me i'm a pill on your tongue here on the nineteenth floor the neon lights make me calm" this is my favorite gorillaz song, by FAR, and i think it's introspective vibe really fits tachibana's character. not really a song about relationship but i really wanted to include it because it's just such a GORGEOUS song. iii. fragments - severon another instrumental track! this one i stole from a playlist my sister made for a fic i wrote last year. again. sad vibes. iv. sign of the times - harry styles (covered by LANY) "remember everything will be alright we can meet again somewhere somewhere far away from here" i loved the synth-y vibe this cover had, while still keeping this song's sad "our lives are dangerous and i'm about to die" vibes. i mostly wanted to evoke the vibe from the scene where tachibana agrees to go with lao gui after kiryu gets shot. just really sad all around. v. so close - jon mclaughlin "we're so close to reaching that famous happy end almost believing this one's not pretend let's go on dreaming though we know we are so close, so close, and still so far" me? picking a song from disney's enchanted??? for a playlist??? it's more likely than you think. idk this song just gives me that vibe of being so close to being happy and together, almost reminiscing and wondering what could have been. but it just... won't happen. vi. as the world caves in - matt maltese "yes, it's you i welcome death with as the world, as the world caves in" oops, yes, i had to go there. just couldn't resist including this song, and i feel like it's really self-explanatory. vii. places we won't walk - bruno major "neon lights shine bold and bright buildings grow to dizzy heights people come alive at night in places we won't walk" again, i feel like this song speaks for itself. a bit of a meditation on kiryu's perspective on things that could have happened, things they would have done, that kiryu will just have to do alone from now on. viii. carry me out - mitski "i drive when it rains at night, when it rains, i drive and the headlight spirits they lead me down the styx so black it shines and carry me out carry me out"

possibly the saddest and the most powerful song in this playlist, because i just had to put a mitski song again. the image of kiryu carrying tachibana's body is just constantly in my mind when i listen to this, but i could also see this song being from the perspective of tachibana's spirit. ix. arms tonite - mother mother "i died in your arms tonight i slipped through into the afterlife it was nice" lmao this felt a bit like a cruel joke to include, but i didn't want this playlist to end TOO depressingly. it's a nod to tachibana dying in kiryu's arms, sure, but also it's romantic and possibly a little hopeful (tachibana lives au!!! orpheus and eurydice au!!! fuck it, idk!!)  xi. everybody wants to rule the world - tears for fears "there's a room where the light won't find you holding hands while the walls come tumbling down when they do, i'll be right behind you so glad we've almost made it so sad they had to fade it everybody wants to rule the world" not a recommendation from my sister, but it is her favorite song, and she was happy that i included it. another 80's bop with sad lyrics! i feel like this is a lovely summary of their story together and it feels like a nice little bow to wrap up the playlist.  i hope you enjoyed my long ass explanations! i might add songs later (or make an entire second playlist altogether for the fic i'm writing rn, but let's not get ahead of ourselves)

[jelloopy]

Woooooooooo! Episode 23 was wild oh my god!

Alright lets get going! 

Big thank you to our kind and benevolent DM Travis for answering mine and Griffin’s most pressing question. The door was in fact a space door leading to the hell dimension. Thank you for clearing that up.

Very interesting that Gray is so reluctant to murder the Commowhore. I understand he needs him for the Naval side of the war but like arent there other commanding officers for like all other war divisions? Also, Argo in his Lil mention about hoping there was gonna be a battle via water bc its where he’s most comfy.

Firbolg and his Lil list of animals he’s seen. Its ok bb keep going I support you <3

I love how this entire time no one in the Unbroken Chain has spoken. They are literally all there watching this go down. A Demon Prince has entered the room in the heat of a Tribunal for the murder of another member of the Chain and they all are so stunned they just sit there and watch? 

Gray being sassy with Argo “Keep up Argo” like damn dude let him process there’s a lot going on right now. Also Gray cursing and Fitzroys “language” oh my god dude. Team Gray? Have you ever met Fitzroy? Chaos legit gave him a dream of being a king and still said “Nah I don’t wanna hurt the guy who wants to assassinate me” like of course he isn’t gonna join your ranks, dude. Keep up, Gray >:)

AH! Even Gray hates the Commowhore. He referred to him as The Coward! Yessssss only valid attribute to Gray rn tbh.

Fitz really forgot he just got out of a tribunal huh? Just gonna wildly say that he gets his powers from Chaos and that a Literal Demon Prince doesn’t know how powerful he is. You really set yourself up there huh bud?

WOW OK FIRBOLG GET HIS ASS!!!! I also would like that Gray nOT INJURE HIM AS WELL. God, that scene I was like cheering for Firbolg he did so well! Also yeah please kill the Commowhore, you already heard that Gray wants him around still. You get rid of one part of the problem. Do you know how pissed he is gonna be when the war actually starts? Like he will really be out for Argo and Fitz’s heads then.

I will say Higglemas being a member makes a LOT of sense but threw me for a loop not gonna lie. Why didn’t the boys react to it at all? Like Higglemas didn’t tell them he was a member.

“The cool waters shall not flow over me anymore! I AM LAND BORN!” That’s a mood Firbolg. Don’t worry bud they’ll get ya all patched up.

Good on Fitzroy for remembering that the cat, whOM THEY NAMED SCHRODINGER WHICH IS THE BEST THING EVER, can get to HIgglemas because I really thought that out of all of em Fitz would be the last to remember that. But poor snippers giving the look of just ‘Hachi machi boss I gotta translate from human to crab to cat, that’s a lot man, ill give it my best shot’

Thank god for Jackle, “Some of the other members have expressed their concerns to me so might I ask… what in the sweet holy hell are ya doin’ with the kitty?” I was rooting for someone to speak up about that.

Bruh I forget that Higglemas reverted in age. That like didn’t resonate with me at all. But “its Hig” really? Is it really Hig? That’s adorable.

I love how all of the Unbroken Chain members of the school are all together in one room and they all happen to be teachers and yet they are leaving all of this up to the THREE STUDENTS that haven’t even made it a full year in this school. Like I have to imagine that all of them are decently powerful to be in the Chain but they leave it up to these dullards.

“Spell slots?” “Oh don’t worry my boy its somethin’ only the Kenku’s have”

“We have arrived at the DMV!” “Dungeon Master Vehicle” Thank you, Justin. I love you so much. 

UGH CLINTS VOICE ACTING FOR ARGO BEING SCARED I always forget he legit works in voice acting basically.

“He has dealt with hurt and depression in his life he’s good” God damn Jackle u good bud?

Griffin singing “So ya had a bad day!” bc of his shitty roll. God that made me laugh. I knew exactly what happened as soon as he started singing.

AHHHHHHH HEROS BACK BABYYYYYYYYY That makes me so ungodly happy. I screamed “A SWORD?” Then immediately after “PLEASE DEAR GOD LET IT BE HERO” and I was correct! >:) Thank you Fitz for the first dog joke I appreciated it a lot.

Fitz its a scratch. Go sit your ass down baby,

Really. No one is gonna mention a frazzled looking Hero back in the room? Or does everyone in the Chain think it’s just normal ol Hero joining the group? Doesn’t he look like way younger tho? So I feel like suspicions should have been raised.

A truth spell? That’s fucking wild never heard of it. In this Economy?

Yes, I too would like for you guys to Murder Gray in his sleep and end the war before it begins. But you did not have to bring it up so Cryptically Fitzroy. You scared me my guy I thought you were talking about accepting Grays offer for a sec there.

Hero shhhh sweetie we know Gray will turn and initiate the war for pureblood instead of just sport if the plan fails.

“Can everyone here keep a secret?” “Dis is uhhhh.. Not ideal” Dear god this is gonna become very hard very quick isn’t it?

[eleanorbloom]

When You’re Ready Ch. 20

Pairing: Bryce Lahela x f! MC (Eleanor Bloom) x Ethan Ramsey.

Word Count: 4.5k

Warnings: Angst, PTSD, anxiety, suicidal thoughts.  Rated M

Taglist @utterlyinevitable @binny1985 @shanzay44 @choicesficwriterscreations  @starrystarrytrouble @lahellacute @lucy-268 ��@cinnamonspongecake @romewritingshop @freckles-spangledvampire​@mercury84choices​  @curiousconch​

______

Chapter 20. I’ll Stand By You

I'll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour

And I'll never desert you

 Whatever cloud of anxiety and fear had been following her since she got out of the quarantine room, now it seemed in suspension. Right above her head, waiting for the proper moment to come back and shower her with the consequences, with the realizations that inevitably death brings in.

Her family was being like a dome, a bubble protecting her from hurt and pain, and from any damage she could do to herself with her mind. With her thoughts. With the memories, the guilt, the I-should-haves. She could see everything outside, wandering, waiting for any nook to sneak into, but somehow her family managed to catch them before they could reach her.

  No one had doubts that there would be aftermaths, that at some point she’d have to face them, but they wanted to delay it as much as they could.

Bryce had identified the anxiety she felt at the thought of being alone, so now everyone was attentive to not leaving her alone.  

Her mother had identified the guilt was slowly consuming her. It was the sadness in her eyes, her fingers fidgeting distractingly. It was sometimes just a mother's instinct.

But despite all the effort everyone was making, no one could stop what happened inside her head at night. Somehow, she felt like she was in that quarantine room over and over again. The same heavier sensation on her chest. The feeling of being scared and tired. Of wanting to leave. But someone was pleading her to not go, something was pulling her back to the ground.

When Eleanor went to see Rafael the next morning, it made everything worse, even if she was happy that he had survived.

He was fragile, it would take him a long road to recover, and it was all her fault.  Why she had to let him accompany her? Why she had to put him in such danger? Why she ruined his life like that when he had plans? When he wanted to start over?

The only thing she had managed to do was screw his future up. His life.

Verónica knew what was happening. She saw the pain in her eyes, the rage brewing inside her, she saw her knuckles turning white over her knees, her hands grasping the blanket over her tights, the imploring look she gave Rafael while he was speaking. She had seen it so many times. The guilty look. It wasn’t the first time that she was taking responsibility for something that was completely out of her hands. And it wouldn’t be the last time either. But she knew how to handle it. Mothers always know.

 As Verónica knew when she was feeling bad, she also knew the best ways to put her out of her misery, to distract her, to not let her mind sunk in guilty and self-deprecation. “Honey, is that true that Bryce braided your hair?” she asked, while she was combing her hair after returning from Rafael’s room.

She felt the exact moment her body relaxed at the mention of Bryce. Then, she chuckled, and a bright smile rested on her face. “Yes, he did. And I still can’t believe it.”

“I have to say he’s pretty good at it. It barely loosened overnight, and you have amazing waves in your hair now.”

“Heh. Please repeat this in his presence. Or not. He won’t shut up about it for a week.”

“He deserves to be proud of that talent. Well, more than a talent, this is a skill. A very useful skill. Now you don’t have to worry about doing your daughter’s hair all by yourself because he’ll deal with it pretty well. Maybe even better than you.”

Eleanor glanced back at her, flushed, “Mom!”

“Oh, sorry, darling, could be a son too, there’s nothing wrong with boys having long hair.”

“Mamá…”

“Well, maybe you don’t want to have kids, and that’s respectable, sorry for being too intrusive.”

Eleanor giggled, amused, “You really liked him, uh?”

“Is there any other alternative, Ellie? He’s too likable. Too charming. And he’s been an angel with you.  I don’t feel nothing but gratitude towards him.”

“He’s been amazing. Not just now. He has always been this way…”

Suddenly a knock on the door interrupted her, “Can I come in?”

Eleanor looked at the door where Keiki was standing with a mix of shyness and surprise, and for a brief moment, she thought she saw pain flashing her eyes, “Keiki! Yes, come in!”

The girl walked towards her and, in a surprising act, hugged her, “Ella! I’m so happy you’re okay!”

She had never done that before. Hug her and speak to her with such sincerity. The had become close by the weeks, but she never had shown any spontaneous affection towards her, not even to Bryce. “Keiki! Oh! Thank you. And I’m so happy to see you again! I missed you.” She said, her eyes glimmering with emotion at the gesture,

“Me too.”

Eleanor smiled at her and then Keiki looked at Verónica, standing at the other side of the bed. “Oh, let me introduce you to my mom, Verónica. Mom, she’s Bryce’s sister, Keiki.”

“Hi, Mrs. Bloom, nice to meet you.” She said, giving her a brief nod.

"Hello, Keiki, nice to meet you too. I’ve heard so much about you!”

“You have?”

“Oh, yes, Ellie has mentioned you lots of times! She says you're incredibly smart and sass and she loves spending time with you. Must be she misses the role of elder sister.”

Both girls laughed in agreement. Then, Verónica got up from the bed and walked towards the door, “I’ll leave you to it, girls, I’ll call mom.”

“Okay send her and Tata a kiss, please.”

“Sure, honey,”

“How are you feeling?” Keiki asked once Verónica closed the door behind her.

“Still a bit tired, but I can’t complain.”

“Bryce told me Rafael woke up this morning.”

“Yes! And he’s doing fine. Now we are waiting for Danny to wake up. You can go to see him too, I’m sure he will be happy to see you.”

“My volleyball buddy.”

“The biggest treason you could’ve done to you brother.”

“Oh, please. We both know how much he loved kicking my ass that day.”

“Well, yeah.”

Suddenly, Keiki chuckled, “You should’ve seen him yesterday at lunch. Freaking out.”

“Freaking out?”

“Yes, he told me he would meet your parents at night, and he didn’t know what to do, what to say… It was hilarious seeing him freaking out when… he usually doesn’t freak out with anything… Well, if not involves cooking, of course”

“Why didn’t I notice? To me he looked pretty composed when he came back.”

“Well, at home he was rambling, saying he would screw it up, wondering what he would do if they didn’t like him.”

“No way! He was really freaking out! I would’ve never imagined he would be nervous about that, I mean, he’s the King of Smooths.”

They both laughed, “He told me he wasn’t in that situation since he was seventeen, and… well at that moment the situation was very different because our dad was already in jail, so it’s understandable the bad experience.”

“But now nothing of that matters, he’s a very accomplished young man.”

“Now he’s Mister Imaginary Boyfriend.”

Eleanor snorted, “Oh god, he told you?”

“Yeah, he told me every second since he met your parents. He woke me up when he got home and had me until 3 am gushing about it.”

Eleanor and Keiki laughed and kept catching up and laughing for a few hours until the teen decided to visit Kyra and then Rafael, so Eleanor could have some rest.

The following days weren't very much different. Benjamin returned to Detroit, but her parents would stay in the city until she was discharged.

Danny woke up two days later. He’d have to remain in the ICU for a long time, but he’d be fine. Even if Eleanor had seen Sienna happy for Rafael’s and her recovery, just when Danny woke up she was the same Sienna again. With hope in her eyes, with the glimmer that characterized her kind and sweet smile. Her happiness was now complete.

The next day after Danny woke up, she was discharged, just in time to attend Bobby’s funeral.

The dome she’d been in the last three days couldn’t protect her from what was coming. Even if her parents and Bryce tried to convince her that she didn’t have to attend Bobby Gunderson’s memorial, she insisted that she had. That she was fine enough to attend.

Physically yes, she was. But the moment she set a foot in the memorial, Eleanor realized that emotionally, she wasn’t. She would never be.

It was so tangible how the dome started to vanish. How the pain, the guilt, the regrets, everything, was coming to get her.

And the guilt… the guilt soaked her to the bones.

Seeing the pain in the other person is painful. But seeing the mix of gratefulness and envy in the family is hard to manage. Because Eleanor can’t help but think that Bobby’s wife was glad that the rest survived but can’t help but wonder why her husband had to die,  why he was the only one who’s gone, why he was the only unfortunate. Why just him and not Eleanor, or Rafael, or Danny. Why she wasn’t as lucky as Verónica and Robert, who had their family complete.

 And Eleanor can’t blame her.

Why it had to be him when she was the responsible one? The Senator was her patient, she had discovered that Travis was poisoning him, she should’ve informed Ethan, and Banerji, and the police, and not deal with the situation by herself, let alone involve innocent people.

If someone deserved to die, was her. It was her fault what had happened. Mrs. Gunderson didn’t deserve any of the pain and sorrow she was feeling, nor her family.

The rest of the afternoon went in a blur. She lost track of time and space for periods. Sometimes she focused on the conversation she had in front of her, sometimes her mind wandered. Sometimes the guilt was too big she couldn’t think about anything else. Sometimes she couldn’t think about anything.

She wasn’t alone any minute. Whether she was with Bryce, her parents, or her friends, she was wandering through the service and reception like a wave in the middle of the sea, moved by external impulse, and not by her own will.

A couple of hours later, while Bryce and Eleanor were talking to Jackie and Aurora, her parents approached to say goodbye. They gave a grateful hug to her friends and thanked them for the umpteenth time for all they did for their daughter. Then, Eleanor and Bryce led them outside, where the taxi was waiting for them. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay here, sweetheart?”

Robert and Verónica gave her a worried glance. She was paler than when she got out of the hospital, and Verónica could read the haunting in her eyes.

Even if Eleanor knew her mom probably read her, she gave both her parents a reassuring smile, “Yeah, mom, don’t worry, I’ll be staying with Bryce and Keiki so she’ll keep me company while Bryce is working.”

“Okay, but if you need anything, please call us, okay?”

“I promise,”

Robert pulled her into a hug while Verónica did the same with Bryce, “Visit us soon, Sunny. You could stay with us if you’re getting bored here, you know? We will always be happy to have you."

“I’ll keep it in mind, thanks dad,”

“And of course you too, Bryce, visit us soon with Keiki, I’m sure she’d be delighted with the lovely spots that we have in Cincinnati to take pictures of.”

"Thank you, Veronica, we'll plan a trip for sure. Hope you have a safe flight."

Then it was the time for Bryce to say goodbye to Robert, “I know there’s no need, but take care of my Sunny, alright?”

“Of course, Robert. With my life.”

“Please call us if you need anything, if you need help or if something is happening with Ellie. You have our numbers now.”

“I will.”

 *

Hours later, when they arrived home, Eleanor went directly to bed. Her head was bumping and couldn’t handle another word with anyone. Bryce decided to join Keiki in the living room and watch something on the TV. She’d been alone most of the day.

Now that she was out of the hospital, the idea of being alone wasn’t as hard as it was at Edenbrook. She was alone in the room, but there were people near. And Bryce’s room didn’t remind her of the attack, and she didn’t feel like someone would appear from anywhere and would threaten her life again.

In fact, now she was relieved of being alone, at last. Now she could let all her feelings flow.

Her mom had been filling her with questions, comments, and ideas to not let her think about the attack, and even if Eleanor was grateful for the help she had given her, somehow that just had made her accumulate things. Accumulate thoughts, feelings, anger, guilt.

She buried her face in the pillow and cried, anger exploding in her core like a balloon that can’t hold any more air.

She was so mad. With the world. With herself. Above all, with herself.

 She deserved misery, pain. A man had died because of her and her irresponsibility.

She didn’t deserve people worrying about her.

What was her purpose after this? Why had life decided that her life was more worthy than Bobby’s? How could she live with his death on her back? With the suffering Rafael and Danny will have to endure to recover?

It was all her fault.

She didn’t know how much time she cried, but after a while, she started seeing flashes of that horrid night. The night she should’ve died.

At first, it was calm. Bryce was lulling her to sleep. For a moment, everything felt fine. But then it was all darkness and pain, and a voice breaking the silence in the middle of the darkness, pleading. “Please protect her. Don’t take her away. Don’t take her away from me. Please. Please,” she could hear while a tight grip was pulling her by the hand.  

 She was floating in midair, tired, ready to go. Her whole body was aching. But the grip on her hand was like an anchor, it wasn’t letting her go very far. Something kept pulling her to the ground. She didn’t know what or who. It was dark.

But then she saw Bryce’s face over her, his arms around her, and he was sobbing incessantly. Tears spilling down his cheeks and to the window of the hazmat suit, “Please, stay with me, stay with me” he begged, pulling her life like a kite flying away in a storm.

“Bryce…” She tried to whisper, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t move or speak. She was exhausted. But she could see him, she could hear him.

She had never seen him like that. So broken. So… desperate.

It was in sorrow. Desolation. But it wasn’t real, isn’t it? It was just a dream.

“Stay with me, please. Babe, don’t leave me, please. I don’t know what I’d do without you, please.” She could feel the lump in his throat aching with every word. The desperation in his grip, the fear with every inch he pulled her against his chest. She knew it was a dream, but something about it felt so real. So familiar.

“Bryce…” She tried again.

“Please don’t leave me.”

She wanted to go. She was tired. She deserved to die. She was the one who should’ve died.

But Bryce didn’t let her.

“Elle, babe.”

Why didn't he just let her go? Couldn't he see the pain was too much? That she couldn't live with herself after what she did to Bobby?

“Babe… Love, wake up. Wake up.”

And then she opened her eyes and found Bryce, no hazmat suit, no tears, just a concerned look on his face in dim light, “Babe, what happened?”

She looked around, trying to distinguish where she was. It was his room. The lamp on his nightstand was turned on, there was absolute silence in the apartment. Bryce was sitting at the edge of the bed with boxers and a shirt on, his hair disheveled. They both had been sleeping.

“I was… dreaming…”

And as she remembered her dream, rage suddenly started to boil inside her. Unstoppable, unbearable. All the rage and guilt and anger that had been brewing inside her, was unleashed now that she knew it had been him, “Why didn’t you just let me go?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why you held me and begged, and prayed to keep me alive… When I was so tired and I…” Eleanor covered her face with both hands in exasperation, “I… I wanted to go but you didn’t let me, you pulled me to stay with you, but I shouldn’t be here, Bryce… I should be the one... I don’t deserve to be here”

Bryce’s face disfigured at her words and shook his head instantly, “Don’t say that,” his voice was indignant.

"But it's true. I'm responsible for this. Bobby shouldn’t have died. I should have. He didn’t deserve to die, I was the stupid one who thought I could deal with the situation…”

“Elle, you’re not responsible for this, the only one to blame here is Travis. He wanted to kill the Senator, he brought the canister. You just tried to save him.”

“But I… I did it all wrong. I should’ve called the cops, he was dangerous, I put everyone in danger… And an innocent person died.”

“And just for that you think you should’ve died?”

“I-, if there was someone that should’ve paid the price, that was me. Not Bobby, or Raf of Danny. I ruined their lives.”

“No, Eleanor. The only one who should’ve paid the price was Travis, and he paid it with his life. It should’ve been in jail, but he did pay.”

Silence.

Bryce’s words made sense. But that didn’t stop her from feeling all the rage she had inside.

But the rage wasn’t actually towards Bryce, she realized. It was towards herself, for wanting to live, for fighting for her life and succeed, when she didn’t deserve it. Bobby deserved to live. “I don’t know. It’s just that… I can’t stop feeling guilty, all the time, Bryce. When I see Raf, Danny, suffering, when I saw Mrs. Gunderson, her daughter, all his family suffering, I feel terrible. I am responsible for this, and I’m here, alive, safe. I’m the least affected of all. I don’t deserve to be here when I brought so much pain with my actions.”

Bryce gave her a sad look as his eyes started to glimmer, then he laid down beside her and pulled her towards his body, “Babe how could you say that? You deserve to live. What you did not deserve was to die, to die because of some stupid psycho who didn't give a damn about anyone else but his revenge. He's the only one who should've died, and he did. Unfortunately, Bobby died too, but that’s not on you.”

Eleanor shivered at the feeling of his touch, of his comforting and soothing touch. She looked deep into his amber eyes and for a moment, things weren’t as horrible as it seemed. “But how… How can I live after this? What can I do with all this anger I have inside? How I stop feeling anger towards you for… For not letting me go? Towards myself for surviving?”

“I think that’s something you have to figure out with time, babe.  I know this is all dark and horrible right now, but with the proper help, it will get better. Soon you’ll understand that this is not your fault. Just don’t give up.”

Eleanor nodded, and then she nuzzled her face against his chest, his lips brushing her forehead as his arms enveloped her in a tight and warm embrace.

After a few seconds, she couldn't help but whisper, "Was it real?"

“What?”

Eleanor parted from him a few inches so she could see him in the eyes, “What I dreamed? You really said those things and… held my hand… like you were trying to hold me to life?”

Bryce couldn’t hide the conflict in his eyes, how reluctant he felt about responding to her, but after a few seconds, he nodded, “Yes. I didn’t leave your side, and I didn’t let go of your hand for a second. I was scared that you would go if you… If you felt alone.”

 “Would have been that difficult if I had died?”

“How… How can you ask me that, Elle?” His voice broke all of a sudden, as if the last source of strength had crumbled inside him.

“It’s just… you were so desperate. I… I’d never seen you like that. I could have never imagined you could break like that.”

“I broke a lot of times that day, actually, but I didn’t want you to see me like that. I wanted to be strong for you, but at that moment… You were so fragile, so in pain… that the idea of losing you was… too much, more than I could handle…” Bryce sighed and wiped the tears streaming down his cheeks. Eleanor stroke his hair, looking pensive at him.

Then his eyes looked at her for a few seconds, deeply and thoughtfully, like he’d never done before.

It was with a vulnerability that had never seen in him, not even that night at the quarantine room, not even in the shower while she was crying her fears away, not even the night he told her about his parents and Keiki.

It was raw vulnerability, and not by chance or by the circumstances. He was choosing to show himself like that in front of her. He was opening a door that had never been opened. And it was heartbreaking. Her heart ached at the sight of it.

“Eleanor you… You’ve been the only person that has loved me… That has loved me for who I am. That has seen the broken pieces of me, my past, my mistakes and… and even still has kept loving me.” A shiver cursed down her spine as the words reached her ears, just as it happens when a heartbreaking truth is revealed. How? How this could happen? “Even before you said you were in love with me, you loved me like no one else ever did. Without judging, without wavering.” His voice was tremulous, his eyes threatening with tears again, but he looked so, so earnestly at her that for a moment she didn't recognize him. And in fact, she didn’t know him. She was meeting Bryce for the first time. The real Bryce. The Bryce under layers and layers of protection built over the years. The Bryce she always wanted to meet. Where she wanted to dive in.

Her brain couldn’t process such truth. She could’ve never imagined that no one… No one had loved him unconditionally. How? How so many people could miss him?

  “It took me years to come to terms with the fact that I lost my parents. I never did with my sister for some reason, and now she’s here. I always thought I’d be alone my whole life… But everything changed when I met you.  I could trust someone for the first time. I could love someone for the first time. That's why I was so scared at first when you met Keiki. Because it would've been extremely difficult for me to overcome our breakup in case you choose Ethan, or simply because you didn't want me. But then I chose to let you in… And… is it beautiful as it is frightening. The fear of losing you is worse.  I would’ve never overcome it if you’d gone, Eleanor.  That’s why… I was so… desperate. So hopeless, because I don’t know what I’d do if I lose you. You mean too much to me.” He couldn’t go on. The lump in his throat was too painful.

Eleanor pulled him into a hug and kissed his temple, “Bryce, my love… I…” She couldn’t continue either. The truth hurt too much. So she simply held him and pulled him towards her chest, stroking his hair, kissing his temple, letting him know that she was there for him.

 “I’m sorry, it’s just I… I can’t stop thinking about that day, about the moment I found out you were in danger, when I saw you there, scared. When… when you started crying because the pain was too much. I still hear your screams sometimes, and it breaks my heart every time I think what you went through” He shook his head, trying to suppress the memories but he needed to let all out. “And… I can’t stop thinking about the moment I held you in my arms and suddenly you felt so heavy that for a moment I thought you were…” He needed to say it. The word had been eating him alive all those days, and he knew he needed to say it to find some kind of closure, to face this idea with reality. "I thought you were dead."

But the reality was that she wasn’t dead. She was with him.

“I thought you were dead and I…” He held her like clinging to life. Almost like how she clung to him in that quarantine room.

You never know when the roles can be reversed.

For the first time in days, Eleanor felt thankful for being alive. Even if she still felt guilty about Bobby's death, at that moment she realized how much more damage would've done her death. The pain that could've caused her family and friends. The pain that could've inflicted in Bryce. How devastated he would've been. And she didn’t want that. He didn’t want more suffering for Bryce. She wanted her happiness.

So, somehow, somewhere between all that pain, all those fears, all those tears, and late-night confessions, Eleanor found some sense of purpose. A reason to stay alive, to stay positive, a reason to heal.

She knew it wasn’t a definitive solution, that at some point she would find her path again, her own sense of life, but right now, when all was dark and painful, Bryce was pulling her back to life again.

“But I’m here, I’m here my love, I’m with you. And I’ll always be, I promise.”

His love was saving her again.

_____

A/N: This chapter was larger, but I decided last minute to cut it because I honestly didn’t want another chapter with more than 6k. Who knows if I’m going to keep my own promise next chapter haha

Thank you so much for reading! ❤

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 08/05/2021 (Billie Eilish, DJ Khaled)

Whilst this is slightly busier than last week, I am genuinely surprised with how little is actually going on here on this week’s chart, a lot less than I expected or predicted. With that said, the top of the chart is where our biggest story comes from and that is “Body” by Russ Millions and Tion Wayne taking advantage of a weak chart with its star-studded remix and peaking at #1 for its first week, replacing Lil Nas X’s “MONTERO (Call Me by Your Name)”. Not only is it the biggest hit for both of these guys and their first #1s, but it’s the first #1 for the entire UK drill genre, which kind of came out of nowhere for me since I think the song’s pretty worthless but with a TikTok challenge and streaming numbers that have even placed it in the American Spotify chart, it’s gearing up to be one of the biggest British rap songs ever. Let’s hope maybe this one doesn’t stall out as badly as “Don’t Rush” outside of the UK. With all that out of the way, let’s start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

Our only new arrival from last week’s UK Top 75 (which is what I cover), “Come Through” by H.E.R. featuring Chris Brown, is gone on the next off of the debut. Well, at least we have more than one new song this week, as well as some interesting chart nonsense lower down, but also some notable drop-outs for “Mr. Perfectly Fine” by Taylor Swift, “Mercury” by Dave and Kamal., “Lemon Pepper Freestyle” by Drake featuring Rick Ross, “All You Ever Wanted” by Rag’n’Bone Man (which will rebound next week as that album makes its impact) as well as “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles finally making what seems to be its last exit. Our only return is in the form of “Confetti” by Little Mix getting a massive surge back at #15 after its Saweetie remix and the attached music video, though Saweetie doesn’t happen to be credited here.

We do have an interesting selection of gains and losses, as with the notable fallers – dropping five spots or more down the chart – we have “Titanium” by Dave at #23, “Wellerman” by Nathan Evans and remixed by 220 KID and Billen Ted getting ACR’d down to #29 (it had a surprisingly great run), “The Business” by Tiesto having the same happen to it at #32, “We’re Good” by Dua Lipa at #40, “drivers license” by Olivia Rodrigo at #43, “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd at #45, “Don’t Play” by Anne-Marie, KSI and Digital Farm Animals at #51, “Calling My Phone” by Lil Tjay and 6LACK hit hard to #54, the same with “Up” by Cardi B at #59, “You” by Regard, Troye Sivan and Tate McRae shaking off the gains #63, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #60, “Heat” by Paul Woolford and Amber Mark at #66, “Solid” by Young Stoner Life, Young Thug and Gunna featuring Drake at #69, “Paradise” by MERDUZA and Dermot Kennedy at #71 and, sadly, “How Does it Feel” by London Grammar at #75.

Where it gets a bit more telling about how the charts are going to adapt into the Summer is in our climbers as we have solid gains for “Another Love” by Tom Odell making another run at #60, “Sunshine (The Light)” by Fat Joe, DJ Khaled and Amorphous inexplicably at #57 and now we get into the top 40 where we have more potential future hits. “Way Too Long” by Nathan Dawe, Anne-Marie and MoStack is at #38, “Don’t You Worry About Me” brings the Bad Boy Chiller Crew their first hit at #37 (although the song is only ever worth hearing for that chorus) and “WITHOUT YOU” by the Kid LAROI returns to the top 40 at #30 thanks to a remix with Miley Cyrus who is again not credited by the Official Charts Company. Boney M. are granted their first new top 20 hit since the 1990s, even if it is just a remix of a song that went #2 in 1978, as Majestic’s remix of “Rasputin” is at #18. Our final gain is for a song first entering the top 10 thanks to the remix with Ariana Grande finally making an impact – yet once again not given the official credit by the OCC – as “Save Your Tears” by the Weeknd makes its way up to #8, becoming his tenth top 10 hit here in Britain. That’s not the only song to first enter the top 10 this week but we’ll get to that in due time with our... odd selection of new arrivals this week.

NEW ARRIVALS

#73 – “EVERY CHANCE I GET” – DJ Khaled featuring Lil Baby and Lil Durk

Produced by DJ Khaled and Tay Keith

Two of our new entries are from DJ Khaled’s most recent album Khaled Khaled, an album much like any Khaled album I found cheap and just dull. This record especially is just mixed horribly, with a budget spent exceedingly on getting big-name features instead of any worthwhile engineers to actually mix and master this 50-minute trainwreck. The album doesn’t have many highlights at all but if I had to choose some they would be the two debuting this week, the first of which is basically a Lil Baby cut, “EVERY CHANCE I GET”, with a verse from Lil Durk. Okay, so, yes, first of all, much like the rest of the record, this mix is compressed and just weak, with bizarre bass mastering and drums that sound like garbage, before we get to Lil Baby himself sounding even froggier than ever. I do think that gives the song part of its charm, though, as with a Tay Keith beat, it’s definitely going for a hardcore, old-school Memphis rap atmosphere, and with Lil Baby’s flow switches disguising paranoid lyrics about the typical gunplay and flexing, it does effectively make a pretty intimidating listen... okay, well, it would, if DJ Khaled didn’t have to pop in to convince Lil Baby to “keep going”. We also get a single verse from Lil Durk here, mixed like he recorded his vocals in his bath to the point where it’s clipping against the bass, but delivering a King Von-esque flow that sounds pretty great, and admittedly more detail than you’d expect. I also love that silly “mmm-mmm” flow he uses at the end. I do wish a song like this, clearly supposed to be menacing, did not have the ludicrous personality void that is DJ Khaled on it, and it’s not like they need Khaled to collaborate together – or with Tay Keith for that matter – so I don’t really see why the dude doesn’t just shut up and promote his albums as compilations instead. I understand it comes from his mixtape days, but if this is going to be a studio album, treat it like one and just be quiet for once.

#72 – “Oblivion” – Royal Blood

Produced by Royal Blood

Royal Blood got the #1 album this week for Typhoons and admittedly, whilst I am interested in this band, I haven’t gotten around to listening to it, so I’ll take this album cut as a preview of what to come. If I am doing that, I hope to be surprised by whatever else that album has in store as I’m not really a fan of this. That eerie choppy guitar loop being immediately crushed by this heavily distorted riff and stiff percussion just does not sound unique or interesting, especially if Mike Kerr is going to sound this soulless. The build towards the chorus feels pretty pathetic and unwarranted, and said chorus is just not catchy, before we get to content about how he knows his fate through how arrogant he’s been and he deserves what’s coming to him. I mean, sure, but there’s nothing that makes it obvious that these guys don’t care about what’s coming to them given the pained vocal delivery and monotonous instrumental. It doesn’t feel exciting, rebellious or whatever emotion this tries and fails to capture, just stiff and staggered in its execution. This does make sense for Royal Blood but seems to me like they’re resting way too heavily on ideas ran through the soil at this point. With all that said, this isn’t bad at all, just not as great as those other singles have been from the record. I think I’d be more forgiving if it didn’t come off as a Queens of the Stone Age tribute act writing “originals” that bomb at their shows.

#56 – “love race” – Machine Gun Kelly featuring Kellin Quinn

Produced by Jeff Peters, Jared Gudstadt and Travis Barker

I guess this might actually be a rock-heavy week – not that I’m complaining about more of a rock presence on the chart but God, I wish it wasn’t coming from MGK. I’ll have some choice words to say about this guy’s last attempt at a pop-rock hit by the end of the year, probably, but at least for this song he brought on someone with some kind of legitimacy. Kellin Quinn is the frontman of post-hardcore band Sleeping with Sirens, one of the most successful bands in their genre but not one unlike others that grew out of the metalcore-infused pop rock to anything more unique or experimental. With that said, Quinn is barely here and other than Travis Barker’s typical explosive drums, MGK is the biggest presence here in his raspy but borderline unlistenable vocal tone that I just can’t stand, especially if it’s going to stretch out “run” as long and as far as he did in that longing, desperate chorus. MGK barely even lets Kellin Quinn have his own verse, registering him as backing vocals throughout the entire song, dampening his vocals that sound a lot more unique and enthused, especially when he starts screaming. That bridge did give me trancecore flashbacks – not that I’m complaining if I’m fully honest – so I’ll admit the part of me that eats up emo-pop garbage did let this grow on me a bit, but, man, without a guitar solo to distract from pretty awful lyrics (not that I’d expect much more from this artist or genre) and without really letting Quinn loose on the vocals, it’s lacking a certain grit and punch I expect from post-hardcore. The song did, however, indirectly remind me of New Found Glory, for which I am thankful for.

#53 – “I DID IT” – DJ Khaled featuring Post Malone, Megan Thee Stallion, Lil Baby and DaBaby

Produced by Ben Billions, Joe Zarrillo, DJ 360, Tay Keith and DJ Khaled

You wouldn’t expect an artist line-up like this to continue this trend of rock in this week’s new arrivals, but you’d be surprised, and personally I’m pretty happy with how much rock seems to be creeping up back into the public consciousness as if there’s one thing I got back in touch with the most over lockdown, it was the rock music I was raised on and it led to me even further appreciating a genre I had kind of lost touch with over the years out of just a lack of interest. With that said, this isn’t a rock song per se, but it does heavily and lazily sample a classic like much of this Khaled album, going for “Layla” by Derek and the Dominos. I’m not going to lie, either, it sets up a pretty effective back-bone for a trap banger about being awesome, especially with those squealing riffs in the chorus. Oh, yeah, and the mixing is horrible as expected, but to be honest to me it does not dampen the boasting, anthemic nature of this track, especially with Post Malone being a perfect choice to croon that infectious chorus. Megan Thee Stallion has a pretty embarrassingly by-the-numbers verse over a switch in the beat that makes it sound oddly stunted, but she does have that swinging rock charisma that people like Lil Baby do not have. With that said, I think I’m at the point where I eat anything Lil Baby says or does, because the flow switches combined with his frog-throat delivery is just impeccable. Content-wise, I think everyone here realises they’re being squashed by the clipping beat as they just go off about complete nonsense that goes in one ear and out the other apart from Lil Baby’s misguided but still pretty funny line about how he contemplated going vegan but sees no point in it because he’s got ten karats in both of his ears. Sure. At least DJ Khaled as something to do as he... harmonises, I guess, with Posty on the chorus. DaBaby is as distant as possible from the microphone to the point where I can barely hear him, not that it matters when his verse is that basic and short. This is kind of a trainwreck in all honesty, but with four choruses and a beat this heavy, it’s hard to be annoyed by it. Overwhelming maybe but these performers are all characters by themselves and throwing them in this three-minute chaos of squealing guitars and trap skitters just fascinates me if anything. Does it count as a posse cut? I don’t know. Either way, this is hilarious.

#5 – “Your Power” – Billie Eilish

Produced by FINNEAS

Decidedly not hilarious is this new single from Billie Eilish looking to be a smash from that upcoming album which now has a track listing and release date, with this functioning as I suppose the true lead single and her seventh top 10 here in the UK. It’s a brave choice too considering the lyrical content which is a pretty scathing attack on her ex-boyfriend and their abusive relationship, making several references to the gap in age and power dynamic that played into something really distressing for the both of them but especially a young, vulnerable Billie Eilish who found herself helpless in this relationship because of that “hero” quickly revealing himself as little more than his projected insecurities. The song’s detailed enough not to detach itself from Billie’s personal struggles but also works as what I suppose is a warning, as it’s retelling a story all too familiar with many girls of her age at the time who end up in these really scary situations. It does help that the song itself is great, relying on these layered acoustic guitars to form some kind of dejected groove behind Eilish’s vocals, whispery and cooing as always but in this case way too loud in the mix for my taste to the point where it kind of takes me out of the song as a whole. With a better master that blends her vocal take a lot better into the guitars, maybe going for a fuzzier, dream-pop angle, could work a lot better but with that said, I do understand the purpose of making it feel this intimate and minimal because Billie’s honest songwriting calls for a delivery like this, even if she ends up sounding shakier or even mumbling at times as a result. This is a big debut for Billie for a song not prepared to do as well as it did given its content and sound that is not exactly radio-friendly and oftentimes requires more heavy of a listen than a pop song would otherwise. I do love that final outro as her humming careens off the gentle guitars with just enough scratch but I do question how abrupt the ending is. Hopefully when the album’s out, we’ll have a bigger picture to as where this single in particular fits in.

Conclusion

With only five new arrivals and not much in the way of anything bad, I guess Worst of the Week goes to “Oblivion” by Royal Blood but giving a Dishonourable Mention would just end up as dishonest. Therefore, Best of the Week goes to Billie Eilish for “Your Power” but – and I cannot believe I am saying this for a 3/10 album with only fluke hits – but DJ Khaled – and Lil Baby for that matter – get a tied Honourable Mention for both of their songs, “EVERY CHANCE THAT I GET” with Lil Durk and “I DID IT” with Post Malone, Megan Thee Stallion and DaBaby. Now to distract from the fact I just did that, here’s this week’s top 10:

I can’t really make any healthy predictions for next week. Maybe we’ll get some songs from Lil Tecca, Rag’n’Bone Man or Bebe Rexha? Maybe we’ll end up with some fluke Weezer smash hit, who knows? Regardless, thank you for reading and I’ll see you next week.

[dirosa]

Travis Maldonado Memorial

I just got to the episode of Tiger King where they cover Travis’s death and I can’t put it into proper words of how sad and disappointed I am. This poor young man died so young. Travis didn’t deserve that at all. Travis didn’t deserve to be in such a strange relationship with Joe. Travis didn’t deserve to waste his young adult life trapped in the zoo.

No one is really talking about his death and it absolutely pisses me off. Yeah the show is supposed to be funny or whatever you want to call it, but I am disgusted with the lack of care that was shown. Travis deserves so much better than this. He was a real life person who had thoughts and feelings and was important to lots of people. He got a total of about 20 minutes of screen time surrounding his death. To me that is absolutely terrible. And you know what? Those 20 minutes were absolutely shit. The coverage was so half-assed I can’t help but feel absolutely terrible.

A lot of what was said about Travis was mainly focused around Joe. I don’t know who created this show, but whoever did can piss off; this boy is dead and you have the audacity to make it all focused on Joe. Yes Joe was his husband, but those moments were supposed to be about Travis, not him.

From the first moment that I saw Travis on that screen, I knew he was different. He was a young man who married a guy over twice his age. For gods sake he probably had gotten out of high school less than a year before he got married to this man. And then in later episodes it was revealed that all three of the husbands were addicted to meth.

Meth messes with your head. Just completely breaks your whole life apart. Travis married Joe for the meth. We all know that. He had said before multiple times that he was a straight man. First when he joined the park and several times to other park workers in secret. From the clips that were shown of him throughout the series, I feel as though Travis was trying to convince himself that he loved Joe, but there is no doubt that he mainly loved him for the drugs. The part where Travis hit Joe’s truck with his bare hands really got to me. You could hear in his voice how upset he was that Joe wasn’t treating him fairly. Again, Travis didn’t deserve this. He made the choice to stay with him because of the drugs, in a way it is his fault that he was in this situation, but we have to remind ourselves he was an inexperienced boy. Joe, the zoo, and meth was all that he knew.

Anyways, enough of my rambling. My main purpose of writing this was to shed light onto Travis’s sickening end and why more viewers should care about what happened. If people don’t want to touch on the tragedy, I will. I will keep talking about this until people care. This was an event that I will never forget. Of course I didn’t know Travis personally, but I feel so bad for him that I’m going to make sure everyone is reminded of this memorial every year until I die. He doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.

Travis Maldonado, you left this Earth way too soon. I hope wherever you are now that you are happy. You never deserved any of this and from what we could tell from your husbands show, you were a fun-loving soul. Please may you rest in peace.

[grigori77]

Critical Role, Campaign 3 Episode 50

Yeah, I know, FIFTY IN. It's a big deal, and I sense it's gonna be a big one too ...

Gale? Really? Sweet! XD Wow ... Travis and Marisha are REALLY going for this one ... andnow the hilariously painful info dumb ... yeah, I'm with Matt, that's too good ... ah, the twist! So sweet! XD

Wow ... Matt, way to ham it up on THIS ad for NordVPN!

Ah, a little Jester and Artie fun before the titles. :3 Just what we need!

"At dawn we plan ... we did ... NO PLANNING." Yup, that's about right.

Oof ... Ashley, WHAT?!!! Where even ARE YOU right now? XD It's adorable ...

Liam: "You want to nail our plan to the WEATHER?!!!" Indeed.

Wait a minute ... WHY is Liam so low down? Is he playing Orym Method style this session?

Oh yeah, Ira Wendagoth, as creepy as ever ...

WHISPERS?!!! Already? Blimey!

Matt's sound effect as he describes the lens appearing out of nowhere ... yeah, I'm with Ashley, that shit funny.

Xandis: "Yah, okay, who am I to argue with the giant black spider man?"

Sacrifice for the Changebringer? Really, Chet? And FCG ACTUALLY has to ROLL FOR THAT DECISION?!!! OMG!!! Orym: "Nice to see you're adding NUANCE to your worship now, FCG." Yes, indeed.

Laudna: "He's got a real grudge against the gods." Ira: "Hmmm, I've noticed, it's ... adorable."

Wow ... Fearne is REALLY picking the Nightmare King's pockets for the spyglass ... AND IT WORKS?!!! Priceless! XD

Oof, this is a dilemma ... FCG is REALLY willing to stay on the ship when they CRASH IT?!!! Yeah, that flying plan us NOT gonna work ...

Laudna explaining the plan to Ira is SENDING ME so we'll ... XD

Oh, FCG and Fearne on the ship if she Polymorphs and flies them both off ... yeah, that works.

Ah yes ... Laudna asks Ira if he's gonna betray them is the sweetest way and he tells them OF COURSE they can't trust him in exactly the same tone. Yup ...

Imogen asks Ira if he can teleport ... Matt ACTUALLY has to CHECK THE CHARACTER SHEET? REALLY?!!!

No, really, Imogen calling her Mum is like THE WORST IDEA, really. DO NOT DO THAT.

Whoa ... the Circlet KEEPS OUT THE NOISE!!! Wow, that is SWEET!!! Imogen's like SO HAPPY about that it's so cute.

Wow, okay ... Chetney's like TOTALLY trying to break it to Xzndis zbout what they're doing ... no, wait ... HE'S LYING?!!! Chet, what are you DOING?!!!

Oh yeah, he's totally not buying this ... and really NOT happy about it either, clearly ... hmm ...

Xandis: "You're asking me to go down with the ship?" Um ... no?

Oh so now he's gonna TEACH FEARNE how to fly it? Hmmm ... oh boy, and now she's at the wheel ... oooh ... this could go SO BAD ...

Wow, she is REALLY bad at this ...

Oh, Enhance Ability. Won't that GO AWAY after a while? Hmmm?

Whoa, they actually have Ruby Vsnguard disguises? Wow ... that could work ...

Ah, yes? Exit strategy, we forgot about that ... oh, so NO exit strategy? Okay ...

They're all getting SO CONFUSED!!! What's even happening now? Help!

Travis: "Because y'know I got cattle prod experience." Umm ... okay?

Oh boy, Fearne is like TOTALLY BUSTED now ... XD

Dropping off the crew ... yeah, if they don't come back ... hmmm ... that's not, like, foreboding or anything.

"Gnome sinkholes?"

Making fun of those awful math riddles from elementary. Sam: "The doctor was his mother! That was the answer!"

Ooh, danishes! Yum! Oh, they're special magic danishes? Hmmm ...

Imogen messaging Keyleth? Cool! "Our arrival isn't ... quiet." Oh, okay then. XD

Phase 2? Okay ... so who's gonna be what? Ruby Vanguard or Paragon's Call? Meanwhile Chetney insists on being naked with the Apron on ...

Laudna putting on a little foundation and rouge to appear less dead ... yeah ... might be wise.

Touchdown ...

Now it's time to SPLIT THE PARTY ... oooof ... y'know I hate it when they do that. Now we're all worried ...

Laudna's flirting with Ira again and Chetney's totally calling her on it. XD

Yet again Ashton tries to pick Fearne's pockets again while hugging her ... something irreplaceable? She kisses him om the forehead. Ashton: "Fuck ... well that's just really hard to steal back, isn't it?"

"Bell's Hells!" "And Xandis!"

Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about the Crawler ...

More seriously spooky perception from Orym ... yup, par for the course.

Carrying on on foot ... okay ... oh, a tree for Keyleth! Perfect!

Whoa, what's THIS thing? Possible outpost? Hmmm ... oh, so they ARE gonna check it out? Oh, nice stealth check, Travis! Oh, wreckage? What the hell is this?

A skyship? Whoa ... oh, and this is FRESH?!!! Oh, that can't be good ... FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

Okay, so are they changing the plan or not?

Checking for traps ... and now what is THIS? Oh, they've arrived. Okay then ...

Wait ... incoming crawler? Hide or act natural! Group deception roll! Phew ... JUST passed that one ...

Trying to bluff their way in ... persuasion or deception? 19? NICE!!! And it works! They're in, but under VERY close scrutiny ... and now EVERYBODY has to make a check? Okay ... oof ... and it doesn't QUITE pass muster ... shit!

The fight in the kitchen? Hmmm ... oh yeah, that's right, Chetney WAS a wolf at the time ...

Liam: "If we keep talking, and keep HIM (Chetney) from talking, everything should be fine." REALLY?!!!

So they're NOT gonna go for it then?

ANOTHER deception check? Aaaaaaaagh!

Oh shit ... and it's all kicking off ...

Great, now Ashton's frozen solid ... oh, and now Chetney's just getting nasty! Matt: "And THAT'S where we're gonna take our break!" Aaah!

Woof ... BATTLEMAP ALREADY?!!! EEP!!! And fuck that automaton is HUGE!!!

ROLL INITIATIVE!!!

Form of Dread! Here we go! Ooh, and BANE too! OF COURSE Liam and Ashley immediately start their Dark Knight Bane impressions. XD

Titties?

Firebolt? Yikes ... oh, and even at disadvantage it STILL hits? Ouch!

And Imogen is STILL maintaining the deception ...

Chetney goes full on feral and just SHREDS this guy! Yeah, he is FUCKED UP now ... and now Chet's just using him as a "meat shield".

Oh, and now Ashton's free again! Nice!

Orym goes all in! Trash that mage, wee man! And the other guy just TOTALLY tanks both his attacks on him too! Phew!

Ashton Rages ... and goes slightly invisible? Freaky Reckless weirdness! Big hits AND he shoves him! Boom!

Oh boy ... and now here comes the Warder ... oh boy ... this massive thing is TERRIFYING!!! Big hit on Ashton! Thank fuck he's raging!

Imogen uses Telekinetic Shove to pull a bait and switch and take Orym's place! Crazy! Oh nice and she just COOKS these guys with her lightning! Sweet! And one of them is just DONE!!! Another one proper FUCKED UP too!

Laudna chucks Pate at the automaton and casts Shocking Grasp through him into it ... Holy FUCK!!! Nice move!

And now Chetney is CLIMBING THE ROBOT!!! OH MY FUCKING GODS!!! Oh yeah, IS THERE an off switch? Oh, there's SOMETHING ... some kind of trapdoor?

Marisha is now STANDING UP AND HOVERING over the table! This is getting SERIOUS!!!

Ashton: "Hands off the brain!" BOOM!!! Fuck, ACID DAMAGE?!!! Nasty! And THAT is all THAT GUY wrote!

Now it's the Warder's turn again ... while Chetney is ON IT!!! OH SHIT!!! That trap is a FLAMETHROWER!!! FUUUUUUUCK!!!

"Hi, I'm Melee." XD

Wow, this thing is now GROVELLING!!! That is WILD!!!

18 does not hit! Oof ... big old armored beasty! 23 works, though. Inflicting SOME damage, at least ...

Laudna casts Eldritch Blast UP ITS BUTT!!!

So 20 JUST hits? Oof ... good thing Orym is a badass!

Ashton RIPPLES through space as he just BATTERS the thing! And ... "Oh that's TERRIBLE!!!" What? Oh ... so that DID fuck it up some at least ...

All it can do this turn is GET UP again? Phew ...

Imogen does Shocking Grasp on it ... NATURAL 20 means DOUBLE DICE OF DAMAGE!!! Oof ... yeah, that REALLY fucked it up!

Laudna ALSO does Shocking Grasp through Pate! Nice! And she gets the HDYWTDT!!! Sweet! Full on lightning rod effect! Crunch! It is DEAD.

So much for THIS combat then ... did anybody notice? Whoa ... seriously, did NOBODY ELSE pick up on this big scrap?

Wait ... something just GRABS Imogen? Aaah!

Okay ... who IS this? Are they NOT a threat? Potential ally? Hmmmm ...

Release ... that doesn't work? Wait ... a FLICK?!!! what the hell?

What the fuck ... BEAUREGARD LIONETT?!!! Are you fucking KIDDING ME?!!!

Covering the dead robot with the fallen tent? Smart move. Might even work ...

Marisha: "Is the dirt wizard here?" Matt: "Why would the dirt wizard be here?" Hmmm ...

Fearne: "She's so hot." SERIOUSLY?!!!

Oh my gods REALLY! Ashley's FACE!!! It's like Fearne is just totally smitten already! Except of course she's not actually HERE right now, so ...

FUCK!!! Caleb too! This is INSANE and I'm loving it!

Oh, they're FRIENDS of the Verity? That makes sense, then. And they know Ryn! Okay then.

All right seriously, are the rest of the Nein here too? PLEASE?!!!

Ooooooh ... the fact that it's Imogen's mum is NOT going over well, then ...

Perpetual Ripple? That sounds serious ...

Oh, so THE NEIN were the team in the Shadowfell? Now THAT makes sense!

"Dope monk shit!" Oh boy this just got SOOOOOO meta! XD

So apparently it's JUST them and not the rest of the Nein? Okay then ... kind of makes sense too, given their work ... makes me wonder sbout Yasha, though ...

Caleb: "We're not necessarily --" Chetney: "Smart?" Oooooooooh ...

Dunamis ... Orym: "What's dunabis?" Snort!

Travis: "I just can't right now." Laura: "He's like a best-of." Matt: "You guys made some entwined characters."

LOL ... Beau calling Chetney a "talking pet" ... XD

Laudna namedrops the Nightmare King and Beau is just like INSTANTLY DONE. XD

Ah yes. The residuum. I wondered when that would come up again.

Imogen: "Do either of you have the ability to heal anyone?" Caleb: "Nein." Orym: "You can only heal NINE of us?"

Voltron the dead automaton? Really?

Oh my gods they're ACTUALLY gonna TRY and make this work ... oh boy ... and that's a no then, no chance.

Oh shit! Crawler! Deception again? 20? Nice ...

Beau DOES NOT like having Imogen in her head and I am NOT surprised.

Okay, now what?

Matt: "And that's where we're gonna call it a night." Yup, seems like a good place to stop.

Those random rolls got people killed in the Shadowfell? REALLY?!!!

Anniversary episode next? Cool! Roll on next week, then ...

[erikahenningsen]

Underrated musicals and plays you should check out

Happy quarantine everyone! I’ve been thinking about making a post like this for a long time now and what better time to do it then when we’re all stuck inside.

INDECENT

Play or musical? Play.

What’s it about? Indecent is a play by Paula Vogel. It recounts the controversy surrounding the Yiddish play God of Vengeance by Sholem Asch, which was produced on Broadway in 1923, for which the cast of the original production was arrested on the grounds of obscenity. God of Vengeance was the first kiss between two women on Broadway.

Why should I check this out? The writing is beautiful and the structure is seamless, balancing emotion, comedy, music, and drama effortlessly. It’s one of the best-directed shows I’ve ever seen (the direction rightfully won a Tony Award). Each actor plays several characters (and several play their own instruments) brilliantly and distinctly. Jewish culture is front and center, and there there is a canon WLW couple in both Indecent and God of Vengeance. Indecent is hilarious one moment and devastating the next. You will not be able to stop thinking about this play after watching it.

How can I watch this show? Indecent has a proshot available on the PBS website, or you can ask me for a link to my copy of it. 

Can I buy the text? Yes.

Is there a cast recording? Yes.

COME FROM AWAY

Play or musical? Musical. 

What’s it about? Come From Away is a musical by Irene Sankoff and David Hein. It is set in the week following the September 11 attacks and tells the true story of what transpired when 38 planes were ordered to land unexpectedly in the small town of Gander in the province of Newfoundland and Labrador, Canada, as part of Operation Yellow Ribbon. The characters in the musical are based on (and in most cases share the names of) real Gander residents as well as some of the 7,000 stranded travelers they housed and fed.

Why should I check this out? Come From Away is one of the best-written musicals I’ve ever seen. The pacing is perfect and every person in the cast plays at least three different characters seamlessly. The music is incredibly unique, as it is heavily influenced by Newfoundland folk music. You will laugh. You will cry. You will have the music stuck in your head for two weeks. The only problem with watching Come From Away during quarantine is it will make you want to give the special people in your life a hug.

How can I watch this show? Come From Away is currently playing on Broadway, in the West End, on tour across the US, and in Toronto, Melbourne, and Sydney. There are several video bootlegs that aren’t hard to find. 

Can I buy the text? I don’t think so. Correct me if I’m wrong.

Is there a cast recording? Yes.

CHOIR BOY

Play or musical? Play.

What’s it about? Choir Boy is a play by Tarell Alvin McCraney, who is best known for co-writing the Oscar-winning screenplay of Moonlight, the movie based on his play, In Moonlight Black Boys Look Blue. Choir Boy follows Pharus, a gay teenager at an all-black, all-boys boarding school. Pharus has just been elected the lead of his school choir, a very high honor. Though Pharus is lauded for his vocal talent, his classmates do not all respond well to his flamboyance and confidence. Choir Boy is a story centered on relationships that asks what it means to be a young, gay, black man in America.

Why should I check this out? One of the most devastatingly beautiful pieces of theatre I have ever seen, Choir Boy is overflowing with fantastic monologues, hilarious one-liners, and gorgeous a cappella songs with some really dope step choreography. Tarell McCraney is the master of writing heartfelt, realistic romantic and platonic love between men of color. 

How can I watch this show? Choir Boy is gaining popularity as a regional show. Unfortunately there is no video bootleg in circulation, and although I am absolutely positive MTC has one, there is no proshot. There are a lot of official clips on YouTube and if you message me privately I can give you an audio recording of the show. 

Can I buy the text? You can buy the pre-Broadway version of the play. We have not been successful in finding a Broadway copy of the text, although I do have one I got at flea that was part of a Tony voters package.

Is there a cast recording? No, and I’m mad about it.

THE WRONG MAN

Play or musical? Musical.

What’s it about? The Wrong Man started as a concept album by Ross Golan, and he expanded on it to create a 90-minute musical. Duran, a man down on his luck in Reno, Nevada, meets Mariana at a bar one night. They become romantically involved and make plans to leave Reno together. However, Mariana's violent ex-husband has just been released from prison, and when he finds out about their relationship, he frames Duran for murder.

Why should I check this out? The Wrong Man is completely sung-through and it is bops on bops on bops. There is not a dull song in this show and the orchestrations (by Alex Lacamoire of Hamilton fame) are gorgeous. The choreography (by Travis Wall) is my favorite I have ever seen. Joshua Henry, Ciara Renée, and Ryan Vasquez can sing literally anything. This show also did something really unique where they had Ryan Vasquez play the role of Duran once or twice a week.

How can I watch this show? There is a video bootleg that is NFT until July 15th, but I can give you the master’s information if you’d like to purchase it now. Message me privately for audio. 

Can I buy the text? No.

Is there a cast recording? Not yet. We’ve gotten some hints that there may be one coming soon. You can listen to the concept album, but it’s quite different from the show and I’d recommend listening to the audio first. 

THE SCOTTSBORO BOYS

Play or musical? Musical.

What’s it about? The Scottsboro Boys is a musical with a book by David Thompson, music by John Kander and lyrics by Fred Ebb, based on the Scottsboro Boys trial.

Why should I check this out? The Scottsboro Boys is one of those shows that sounds like it wouldn’t work at all (and I think that unfortunately is most of the reason why it did so poorly on Broadway) but is actually brilliant. It is one of the sharpest, most poignant pieces of satire I’ve ever seen. The balance of comedy and the heartbreaking subject matter creates an incredibly powerful pieces of art. I saw a small regional production in a black box theater and it’s still one of my favorite things I’ve ever seen.

How can I watch this show? You may be able to catch this show at a regional theater. I think there may possibly be a bootleg, but I’m not sure if this is in circulation in any digital form. I don’t personally have audio of the show, but I’m sure it’s out there. There are some official clips on YouTube. 

Can I buy the text? I don’t think so.

Is there a cast recording? There is an Off-Broadway cast recording and a London cast recording

ANGELS IN AMERICA: A GAY FANTASIA ON NATIONAL THEMES

Play or musical? Play.

What’s it about? I know it is a bit crazy to be calling Angels in America underrated as it has been around forever and literally won the Tony, Drama Desk, and Pulitzer and the revival won the Tony, but I feel that it’s underrated on tumblr and among young people. Angels in America is a two-part play (individually titled Millennium Approaches and Perestroika) by Tony Kushner. It a complex, often metaphorical, and at times symbolic examination of AIDS and homosexuality in America in the 1980s. Certain major and minor characters are supernatural beings (angels) or deceased persons (ghosts). The play contains multiple roles for several of the actors. Initially and primarily focusing on a gay couple in Manhattan, the play also has several other storylines, some of which occasionally intersect.

Why should I check this out? The camp! The drama! The comedy! The devastation! The OG comedy featuring Mormons. Iconic monologues and dialogue. The entire play is about eight hours long, and I would have happily sat through it with no breaks. Nobody will ever write a more epic play. 

How can I watch this show? The most recent revival was filmed by the National Theatre when it was in London. I’m not sure if there’s a way to stream it online but I have a copy I can link you to. There’s also a Broadway revival bootleg. 

Can I buy the text? Yes.

Is there a cast recording? N/A

A STRANGE LOOP

Play or musical? Musical.

What’s it about? A Strange Loop is about an usher at The Lion King on Broadway who is also named Usher, who is writing a self-referential musical called A Strange Loop. Usher is an overweight, overwhelmed “ball of black confusion” trying to navigate without a compass the hierarchical white, black and gay worlds; his family’s religion, which condemns him for his sexuality; and an entertainment industry that isn’t interested in what he has to say. He’s also having an existential crisis as he deals with questions of reality, illusions, perceptions and identity. His biggest fear is that he’s stuck in an endless cycle of hopelessness where change is not possible.

Why should I check this out? It’s hard to talk about A Strange Loop with people who haven’t seen it because it is truly unlike any other show I have ever seen. It starts out seeming like a musical comedy about identity, but it gets more intense as the show goes on until you’re crying next to a stranger and wondering how the hell you even got there. It’s brilliant.

How can I watch this show? Unfortunately there is no video bootleg, but you can ask me for an audio. Some clips are available on YouTube.

Can I buy the text? No.

Is there a cast recording? Yes. I recommend reading this as you go along so the songs make more sense because they’re pretty wild out of context (they’re pretty equally as wild in context). 

SCHOOL GIRLS; OR, THE AFRICAN MEAN GIRLS PLAY

Play or musical? Play.

What’s it about? Paulina, the reigning queen bee at Ghana’s most exclusive boarding school, has her sights set on the Miss Global Universe pageant. But the arrival of Ericka, a new student with undeniable talent and beauty, captures the attention of the pageant recruiter—and Paulina’s hive-minded friends.

Why should I check this out? School Girls is one of the funniest plays I have ever seen. The writing is so smart, and the show deals with racism (both on an interpersonal and worldwide level), colorism, body image, sex and gender, class, and inequality.

How can I watch this show? PBS recently released the proshot on their website. I don’t have a ripped copy yet, so if anyone does have one please send it my way. Regional theaters have been doing this show as well.

Can I buy the text? Yes.

Is there a cast recording? N/A

13

Play or musical? Musical.

What’s it about? Following a move from New York City to small-town Indiana, young Evan Goldman grapples with his parents' divorce, prepares for his impending Bar Mitzvah, and navigates the complicated social circles of a new school.

Why should I check this out? It’s Jason Robert Brown, so the music slaps. It’s the only Broadway musical ever with a cast and band entirely made of teenagers. Plus it has baby Ariana Grande and Liz Gillies in their Broadway debuts. 13 walked so so many other musicals about teens could run.

How can I watch this show? There is a video bootleg that’s not hard to find. I’m sure there’s audio in circulation as well.

Can I buy the text? Yes.

Is there a cast recording? There is an Broadway cast recording and a West End cast recording

THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES

Play or musical? Musical.

What’s it about? Secret Life of Bees is a musical by Duncan Sheik and Lynn Nottage based on the novel of the same name. Haunted by memories of her late mother and abused by her father, 14-year-old Lily Owens runs away with her friend and caregiver Rosaleen to the South Carolina town that holds the key to her mother's past. There, Lily meets the Boatwright sisters, who take her in and teach her about beekeeping, honey, and the Black Madonna. Lily also discovers that the truth about her mother is closer than she thinks.

Why should I check this out? The music is so gorgeous. It’s one of my favorite Duncan Sheik scores. LaChanze is amazing at everything she does, and Elizabeth Teeter and Brett Gray are stars you need to be looking out for. 

How can I watch this show? There is no video bootleg. You can message me privately for an audio.

Can I buy the text? No.

Is there a cast recording? No, but I really wish there was.

AMERICAN PSYCHO

Play or musical? Musical.

What’s it about? American Psycho is based on the 1991 novel of the same name and written by Duncan Sheik and Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa. In New York City in 1987, a handsome, young urban professional, Patrick Bateman, lives a second life as a gruesome serial killer by night. The cast is filled by the detective, the fiancée, the mistress, the coworker (Jared Leto), and the secretary. This is a biting, wry comedy examining the elements that make a man a monster.

Why should I check this out? Listen, I won’t lie to you. There is a reason this musical is underrated, and that reason is because it is not good. But I love it. The fun comes from the knowledge that this campy, ridiculous, obscenely bloody show was on Broadway (briefly). Duncan Sheik went off the rails and wrote a techno musical! How can you not love that! Benjamin Walker gives the performance of his career and he did it mostly in his underwear! Heléne Yorke creates a character so grating you find yourself begging Patrick to kill her! They somehow got Alice Ripley AND Jenn Damiano to do this shitshow! I will maintain until the day I die that nobody can top American Psycho’s act one closer. 

How can I watch this show? There are a couple of video bootlegs of the Broadway production, as well as some official clips on YouTube. I have an audio of the West End production that I can share.

Can I buy the text? No.

Is there a cast recording? There is tragically no Broadway cast recording, but there is a London cast recording. 

[blackmuzak8484]

nortey dowuona’s best of 2020

to be completely honest, I decided to do this entirely for TSJ. otherwise, I wouldn’t have bothered at all. Best end lists are for music nerds and billboard chart nerds and industry vultures, and i happen to be subscribed, in the discord and in the comments of the youtube vids of these folk. so, i decided to pick 10 out of random from the big best of 2020 i was compiling for the whole of the year, which I was gonna post to this Tumblr at the end of the damn year, but I guess I can just post the link to the playlist in the bottom of this post. Here, i’m gonna write about 10 songs I personally love, and pick out a few artists i specifically loved:

artist of the year.

RAP Ferreira put out his best album and best verses in a year everybody either stagnated, fell off or got rendered irrelevant by the world at large. He was ebullient, hilarious, thoughtful and even surprisingly honest. I enjoyed the fact that now he’s begun to create a real platform for many talented folx, and I hope he continues to do that in the margins and make even more beautiful music in the years to come.

rookie of the year.

Enny by a mile. Everybody else who debuted this year got hamstrung by the pandemic but she created 3 great songs, each thoughtful, insightful and a joy. Apparently she just started publicly releasing music to a large audience, and I hope she gets better and better, and even gets bigger than J-

most pleasant surprise.

Vic Mensa’s V Tape. An artist who I though had no more moves left completely turned around his whole career with a fantastic performance at Lollapalooza, a fantastic fleet of features and tis gorgeously produced EP which had some of his most brilliant songs on it. I love it all, Vic Mensah is well and truly back. Welcome back bro. (ALSO, DROP THE DRILL TRACK.)

GREAT THING A GHANAIAN ARTIST DID.

Strongman Burner, Amarae, Okunta Kinte, Vic Mensah in general.

cool things my friends and classmates did.

Justine Darcenne’s #4TheBaeless. Valencia Rae’s Siren thyhomebodies’s Coming of Age. (Phil, a producer in the group, made his own studio!) Brad built his own computer. petit abri put a track on APT9 Record’s compiliation album Volume II. khaalid anderson’s transitions. (khaalid will also be performing at Beats & Brunch on January 23, 2021 at 11 am.) Yannick Paul’s Bear Fruit. The Big Climax’s This Is Ya Boy kxng jetson’s Waves (ft. Kokko Williams & Mike Mezzl) Nicole Gonzalez performed in The Composer’s Melody. Victoria Marie released a bunch of beaufiful covers on her Insta, @toriiii_marie @ph0ssy_jaw works as a counselor online. Pay her at her PayPal. Johnny Aperano Yoba was on People AND Vogue. Dalitso is a wonderful pianist at his church back home in Zambia. Kobina is a fantastic drummer at his church. Kayla graduated with a BS in Music Technology and Industry! Damian been cookin on his insta. Travis graduated! (Look out for Clan of Dragons.) Rorghino Flores made a documentary! Francis (and Animax FYB) put out Mmofra on AmaLexPrime! (play it with yo kids.) A Hype has been dropping crazy all year, roll by his SoundCloud and check out Persistence Of Memory. Reina H been doing great covers on her Insta, @challenges_inlife. Hannah placed music on C. B. S.

best albums of the year (that nobody’s written about).

Maya Huyana -1991 DaWeirdo - Broke and Ugly $ilkMoney - Attack of the Future Shocked, Flesh Covered, Meatbags of the 85 VI Seconds - Because Why Not/Never Knows Best Erik Cain - Heart & Soul Vol. 2 Dimitri & the Scarecrow - Messenger is Sender (from 2015, finally got released onto streaming this year, still pretty great and another great Zimbabwean rapper for us to all fawn over, just like billy woods) Flowking Stone - Gifted 1 The Hoodies - Incommunicado Jayy Grams - Every Gram Counts Domo Genesis/Mike and Keys - Just in Case1/2 Madwiz - God’s Gold Teeth Maez301 - Hasaan Daara J Family - Yaamatele Dai Burger - Dessert EP TeePhlow - Road To Phlowducation II Tef Poe/Blvck Spade - Preacher in the Trap Terrell Hines - Portal One: The Mixtape redveil - niagara Nyukyung - Trap Harmonix AdrianXpression - Sucka Deante Hitchcock - Better (Deluxe) maassai & jWords - ve.loc.i.ty tobe nwigwe - cincoriginals everything Kelsey Lu did this year.

strangest things happening in music in general.

vic mensah actually making a great record. goldlink going through a narcissistic collapse and winding up making the best music of his career. redveil blowing up off Fantano calling him wack. pharoahe monch finally making a rock pivot and it actually works. meet me@the garden coming 10 years too late for my 14 year old self. RAP Ferreira being in the NYTimes, selling a vinyl record for $72, creating an actual nostrum grocers in a video game so we can listen to his next record. The entirety of the playboi carti phenomenom. The entirety of the lil uzi vert phenomenom. The entirety of Chance’s instagram EP being far more money worthy then the entirety of the Big Day and yet being released on Insta and not immediately monetized. Deante Hitchcock releasing a great album and being completely forgotten armand hammer releasing their underground kings wayyy too early. my ass continually not actually looking into amapiano despite always loving it when I review it. several good songs needing to be tacked on to a prior youtube vid as an ad for me to find them instead of actually listening to the artists. santan dave still releasing good verses after he made his illmatic. (expect his new album to suck.) slowthai becoming cake. (we let that go way too far.) Guapdad and BfB Packman being wonderful. Finding out BfB PAckman is a better rapper than Sada Baby. John Boyega putting on Ego Ella May. Having to admit Young Dolph was good all this time and i missed out like a fool.

best tv performance.

Chance The Rapper’s “A Chi-Town Christmas.” IDK’s “Change The Channel.” Sa-Roc’s Tiny Desk Concert. Chika in general. Robert Glapser’s “This Changes Everything (ft. Denzel Curry).” SZA at the Roots Picnic. Sampa The Great at the Roots Picnic. RAP Ferreira in general. Umi’s “Introspection Live Show.” Alexa Esperanza’s cover of “Is It A Crime.” Bad Bunny in general. the jwords, nappy nina and MIKE performances at Satellite Syndicate

most embarrassing piece of music i love with all my heart

Logic’s No Pressure. In all sense of the words I should not love this album like I love my siblings but I do. It is beautiful.

best 10 songs of this year objectively

1 - RAP Ferriera - An Idea Is A Work Of Art (ft. Mike Ladd) [prod. by Kenny Segal, mr. carmack and Mike Parvizi]

I know, I know. In all honesty Doldrums should be here. Then Noz put it on his best list and I had to be all ChiTown Go-Getter and pick the next better thing: this. And in all honesty, it has the best lyric RAP spits on the album: “we build better answers.” But it’s not just that, it’s RAP’s most animated performance, the most dexterous piece on the whole album and the most gorgeous beat, a loping bassline sliding behind the flatfooted drum, allowing Mike Ladd, his musical father, to gently drift through, saying, “what if royalty depised us?” and knowing the only gold is soul and giving it to all of us, all us maggots and vultures and locusts and weevils, to hold to the light so we can finally see. On the quest to get open and free, we continue.

2 - Chika - U Should [prod. by Lido]

I heard this the night it dropped and shot 2 insta videos playacting as it played. But apart from that, it’s a intimate, beautiful song about getting to know a new lady love, so tenderly sung it might melt and disappear if not held gently, with a sweeping guitar lick and purring trumpets sliding all over the place, Chika softly holding each frayed piece together into a considered, gorgeous piece - wait, she’s talking her shit.

3 - Issa Gold - Boys Don’t Cry [prod. by Kingjet & Sherwyn and Matt Zara]

The only reason this isn’t number one is because it dropped on Christmas Eve. But otherwise, it’s a openheart letter to us all. “it’s a lonely path being different,” Issa says, swimming in the melted ice caps as he once danced happily on the edges of melting glaciers that failed to drown him, looking at the world that keeps hurting his heart, yet he still opens his eyes and smiles, and dances. The heavy drums are so bouncy the whole song suddenly flies, formerly a hidden murmur becoming a bright sunlit flight across the sky so we can all see. I can’t wait to see Tempus, if it’s anything as good as this was.

4 - Deante Hitchcock - Growing Up/Mother God [prod. by Brandon Phillips-Taylor]

In all honesty, “Growing Up” is really not the best song on Better. It’s a sweet, happy song with a smooth, crackling bassline with soft, ghostly synths, but still kinda ok. It’s the song added at the end, “Mother God”, that has warm, sizzling piano chords and gorgeous singing in the back. It’s one of the few time I’ve ever heard a man pay homage to the woman in his life and to the God above while being entirely sincere and not faking the funk. The way he praises his mom, his lady, remembering the women in his family taking care of him and him foolishly neglecting Breonna due to his overburdened mind feels full of details, remembrances, explanations and praises. Plus, it actually makes sense that God, if she exists (she does) is a woman since -

5 - Yana Perrault - whiskey and weed [prod. by slate]

Apparently, Yana Perrault is verified now. Excellent. {YES YES MY GOD YESS}, It means more folks know about how great this song, and Yana herself is. If I had any sense, I would’ve written up 12:21 as the best song of 2018, but such is life. Anyway, we have this smooth, bass heavy slinker with shimmering percussion and lumbering drums about hooking up with a former flame who’s “sober” yet keeps on calling Yana to break their sobriety, “know we ain’t talked in a while but you still know my address,” she wryly mentions. As the beat sprints away under a warm cocoon of accapella echoes, it mirrors a relationship so tenuous it might disappear into the wind. Yet still strong enough to have whiskey on call.

6 - Marlon Craft - Culture Sick Freestyle [prod. by Cormill]

Apparently this was supposed to be a shot at Flex. And since Flex is a woman beater and a lame, good for him. Shouldn’t have even gone on Flex to be honest, but then again neither should Jay Critch or Tyler or Black Thought and besides, I watch those freestyles too. And on the freestyle, Marlon frankly put things in perspective. “You don’t want us to better, you just want to be cool still.” This describes all of rap media to be real. And tellingly, it only has 310,000 views. Methinks nobody really wants real. But I do. Thank u Marlon, you continue to be the best white rapper alive. (Nowhere near the best rapper tho, and if Token hadn’t fell off -)

7 - Miah - Cascades [prod. by Cedes]

I’m sideeyeing the boy Miah cuz I had to search up his Audiomack to find the producer’s name (it’s Cedes, and they have a really great avalanche of Drake Type Beats is you like that kind of thing). Were you trying to trick folk into thinking you produced it yourself? You don’t need to do that shit. Especially since you’re writing stuff like “back in high school all my peers were tryin to hit the league / until the league too far from reach so they tap dancing over beats.” When you can frankly break down life that clearly, don’t be trying to hide producer’s names unless you actually learn to produce too. Plaster your name all over that shit.

8 - Justine Darcenne - Off Days [prod. by Mikhail Miller] / Enny - Peng Black Girls (ft. Amia Brave [prod. by Paya]

Justine is indeed my classmate, but that’s not why this song is here. it’s here because it’s a nice little guitar driven song with a spellbinding bridge that’s the best thing I’ve heard her do yet. And I’mma keep it short cuz I already wrote this up at the Singles Jukebox.

Enny released this soft, cushiony record with washed out synths over bulky drums and floated FLOATED over them without even trying to run in the tar, saying frankly, “He said to me, 'they put guns in the streets, that’s what they wanted for me.’ And I said, ‘G, someone can fix you a plate but no one can force you to eat.’” After all, why not try to live for something greater than what the world has expected you to be. And Amia sings, “We’re gon be alright, ok?” with the joy and excitement of someone realizing the words coming alive on their tongue. One of the best songs of this miserable year, and it’s kinda funny watching Jorja accidentally Drake out Amia and even Enny (and by funny I mean irritating.)

9 - Tobi Lou - okay (ft. Dreezy) [prod. by Matteo Woods & Dilip]

Fun fact: Dilip did some great songs with Otxhello, a producer who recorded and mixed 2 records on my first album. That again is not why this song is here. The warm, swinging synths and heavy, bouncy drums are why this is here. Oh, and Tobi’s goofy, silly lyrics and his surprisingly effective Missy Elliott tribute are great too. But obviously, the verse that vaulted this into top 10 was Dreezy, which opens with such a openhearted line, “i can’t help it, it’s too hard to say I’m sorry.” And every line is harder than the last, until she closes with “and I ain’t talkin frontals but we got the city sown up.” Absolutely amazing.

10 - Strongman Burner - Pilolo (ft. KelvynBoy) [prod. by Nixie]

The sweet, gooey synths are poured over the soft, zipping and smooth drums as the wiry bass whirls between Kelvyn’s soft, thin crooning as Stoneman tap dances over the drums, both desperate and defiant, trying to salvage a sinking relationship that he knows is already gathering coral and snappers. It’s the best afropop song of the year and yet it still has a Nigerian on it (well, I put 4 Nigerians on here, next year I’m rectifying that.) And they even did a song together last year , not as good as this. At all. (still pretty good tho.)

best 10 songs i love (but not enough to write full paragraphs for, I already put 10 in and this is already 5 goddamn pages)

11 - Logic - Heard ‘Em Say

best song on the project that isn’t Dadbod but at least it isn’t tempting fate.

12 - Deqn Sue - Creep

I already love this for having a gorgeous bridge, and is cute af. Yes Sue, you can creep.

13 - Quelle Chris & Chris Keys - Sudden Death/ka - i love {moms, mimi, kev}

QUELLE CHIS CAN SANG SANG./ka can heart heart write.

14 - IDK - Square Up (ft. Juicy J)

I don’t know why this is here either but this slaps regardless.

15 - Nappy Nina - Modestly (ft. Maassai)

Maassai is creating some of the best raps out here. so is Nappy Nina.

16 - Kehlani - Lexii’s Outro (ft. Lexii Ajaii)

Let’s celebrate our great rappers when they’re alive (and this includes me. Pls Chika, don’t win Best New Artist.)

17 - Samad Savage - Goodnight

What Travis Scott should’ve tried to be instead of what he is now. Samad still dope af regardless.

18 - Bad Bunny - Si Veo Tu Mama

The way Bad Bunny actually hits that last note makes me feel so excited and alive.

19 - Fat Tony - Back In The Saddle

I fucked up. But I’m getting back in the saddle, back in the saddle next year. NO NIGERIANS ALL NIGERIENS. #ENDSARS tho.

20 - Lady A - the truth is loud

Why am I the only one who has this on a best list? I have 34 bot followers. Vibe, step it up.

best of 2020 music right here folxs.

worst music things of the year:

The Pop Smoke album. Just in all areas. (Better win that Grammy tho.) Travis Scott in general. (So loud and empty and boring.) Big Sean’s Detroit 2. (why does this exist? Just put out Deep Reverence and Detroit Night Cypher and leave everything on the cutting room floor fo the next album.) Remembering all the great rappers who are dead or incarcerated. No Kendrick album (just leaks. Not good enough.) J. Cole and Noname beefing and Noname getting strung up by twitter. Jay Rock pushing being anti-vaccinations. The realization that Normani might never drop a single record ever again. Tory Lanez in general. Joyner Lucas making actually good songs and falling off almost immediately. Cardi B in general. Anything positive being said about steven Universe songs. Luzamity shipping (until it’s canon please stop! Willuz is RIGHT THERE!)

[princessamericachavez]

Fjorester moments in episode 72

WHAT A FREAKING GOOD EPISODE MY DUDES AND DUDETTES AND OTHERS

It was so wonderful in the best of ways, especially as a Fjord fan. 

I don’t even know where to start to break it down because SO MUCH happened! So be ready for a lot of rambling and screaming 

Cad: *Talking about how the Clay, Dust and Stone families were friends and allies once*

Jester: And lovers!

Fjord: Okay, Jessie. Just... pace it. 

Jester: They had a big orgy of Clay, Dust and Stone!

Fjord: Okay, the mist is getting to you a little quick here. 

I LOVE THIS BANTER SO MUCH IT’S SO FUNNY

FJORD IS SO AWKWARD AND SHE’S SO ADORABLE

also also

I STILL DIE EVERY TIME HE CALLES HER ‘JESSIE’

Fjord: I walk [into the water]

Jester: No, don’t walk in! Just put your finger in or something!

SHE’S SO WORRIED ABOUT HER IMPULSIVE DUMBASS 

POOR GIRL 

I think it’s low-key hilarious though that Jester, for all she can be a source of chaos in the group, has to turn into the voice of reason when it comes to Fjord’s impulses. 

It’s a funny little switch in their roles.

Jester helping Fjord with the falchion when he gets stuck. 

My favorite bit of that, though, it’s Matt’s narration because it makes it extra shippy? Like, it was just an assist and suddenly they are holding hands??

Matt: So as you’re about to wedge it out and lift, Jester walks over and puts her hands over yours and pushes in. 

Nice nice nice nice nice

Thank you, Mr. Mercer

Fjord: *starts to freeze because he put his head inside the water*

Jester: Aw :( Beau! Take care of- put the rod to Fjord’s head. 

Fjord: There’s really no need it’s just a- ahh

Jester: Is that better?

SHE’S ALWAYS TAKING CARE OF HIM AND IT’S SO SOFT AND REALLY I’VE SAID THIS BEFORE BUT FJORD GREW UP THINKING NO ONE WOULD LOOK AFTER HIM LIKE THIS AND NOW- NOW SHE’S THERE ALWAYS

Jester: Should we just, like, talk to the ghosts and let them know that we’re nice?

Fjord: Jester, you’re very... affable, why don’t you give them a word?

Jester: uh... hey ghosts!

IT’S THE HESITATION BEFORE THE WORD AFFABLE THAT KILLS ME GUYS

WHAT WAS HE GOING TO SAY? CUTE? ENDEARING? SWEET? NICE? SO MANY WORDS HE COULD’VE CHOSEN 

Fjord: *rolls his eyes at Jester reading Tusk Love*

Jester: Maybe I should not read this book anymore. 

Fjord: Distractions are good. Let’s keep going. Keep reading. 

Jester: Uhhh you want me to keep reading, alright. 

Fjord: It’s... not...

FJORD IS INTO TUSK LOVE CONFIRMED

Party: *discussing if the ghosts are following Cad or the group*

Fjord: One went up to Jester, though. 

WORRIED HUBBY IS WORRIED

this is, yet again, an instance of: Fjord pays extra attention to anything concerning Jester.

Jester using her eagle form to go for Fjord and Beau because they are og trio and she’s always here for them??? yessss

Jester: convinces the dawrves to let her write on their lore book

Cad: They can be a lot but I definitely vouch for them. 

Fjord: Aw, that’s nice Caduceus is vouching for you, Jester.

Jester: Yes, it really is!

Cad: Oh no.

FJORD + CLERICS IS SUCH A WONDERFUL DYNAMIC EVERY SINGLE TIME

Jester downright writing Captain Turkstooth fanfiction in the lore book —which will probably be considered Non-Fiction by future Dust generations. 

AND NOW

HERE WE GOOOO

FOR THE BIG CONVERSATION

OH BOY SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT

Fjord: Hey, Jester. 

Jester: Yeah?

Fjord: You still got that thing where you send messages to people? 

Jester: Yeah! 

Fjord: You got any left of those?

Jester: Yeah, I got a bunch of them. 

I’M ALREADY SCREAMING, REMEMBER HOW EMO I’VE BEEN ABOUT HIM BEING MINDFUL OF HER SPELLSLOTS WHEN IT COMES TO THIS THE PAST SEVERAL WEEKS?

Fjord: Can I- Can I ask, like, a favor?

Jester: Of course! You can ask anything, Fjord. 

LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIM, SHE’S EVEN SURPRISED HE HAS TO ASK

Fjord: If I, like, conjured an image of what Vandran looks like, could you send him a message?

Jester: I could try, yeah. 

THIS IS SO IMPORTANT FOR FJORD. HE’S KNOWN FOR SO LONG AND HAS BEEN HOLDING BACK FROM TELLING ANYONE. 

Honestly, I wonder what pushed him to finally make that call. If it was something from their chaotic past couple days or something else that made him finally reach out. 

I mean, I HOPED with all my heart that he would go to Jester for a message, but that was like WAY BACK WHEN THE PIRATE ARC ENDED and now here we are like 30 episodes later but it finally happened!

Jester: What do you want me to say to him?

Fjord: Would you just ask him- tell him that I’m okay and if- 

Fjord: I don’t know. 

Jester:

HE’S SO NERVOUS AND SHE’S SO SOFT FOR HIM 

Fjord: I wanna know how he’s doing but- Caduceus check in with the Wild Mother and said he’s trying to attone for his past. I don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t care to be found. 

Jester: Maybe he doesn’t know you’re alive, either. Maybe he’s been searching for you. 

Fjord: Guess that’s right. 

I KNOW JESTER IS BEING ALMOST TOO POSITIVE RIGHT HERE BUT SHE’S SAYING WHAT FJORD, DEEP IN HIS HEART, WANTS TO BELIEVE AND SHE JUST WANTS IT TO BE TRUE TOO SHE WANTS HIM TO BE HAPPY

Fjord: Would you do me a solid and just... do what you do?

Jester: Sure!

LOOK AT THE FONDNESS IN HIS FACE I CAN’T

Jester: Oh, I hope I’m not bothering him after what you guys said, maybe- It’s fine. 

Jester: Hello! You don’t know me. I’m here with Fjord. He wants you to know he’s okay, and he’s thinking about you. Where can he find you?

Vandran: You said you know Fjord. Hah. Haven’t heard that name in a while. Glad he’s doing well. Let him know I’m okay, retired on an island. Good folks, he’d like it.

LISTEN EITHER VANDRAN IS FULL ON LYING or he’s doing that thing that Fjord has been trying so hard to emulate —keeping emotional distance and not showing any weaknesses. I honestly believe that Vandran cares about Fjord and was delighted to hear he’s okay, but he’s not just going to say it like that, especially to a stranger. 

It really puts into perspective how guarded Fjord has been with the Nein while trying to emulate his mentor. 

Fjord: Sounds like he’s okay. 

THAT LINE KILLS ME BECAUSE HE SMILES BUT THERE’S SO MUCH PAIN IN HIS VOICE

Jester: He retired to an island?

Fjord: God, I’ve been so- I feel like I need to find him and I just don’t know if that’s important... to him. Don’t know if it’s important to me, we’ve done so much. 

THIS IS SUCH A BIG DEAL, ESPECIALLY COMING FROM FJORD AND HOW HARD IT IS FOR HIM TO TALK ABOUT HIS FEELINGS AND STRUGGLES

This really calls back to their talk post-Plank King trial, where he also opened up about how hurt he was by Vandran’s hidden past. 

He only ever talks like this with her... and maybe Cad. 

Jester: Yeah, but- I mean... the way you talked about him. If you need to find him, then you need to find him. 

THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME, HONESTLY, BECAUSE FJORD IS SO QUICK TO LET GO OF HIS PAST BUT JESTER PUT SO MUCH WEIGHT ON HER FEELINGS SHE REMINDS HIM HERE THAT HIS FEELINGS MATTER TOO AND THAT HE SHOULD LISTEN TO HIS HEART

Fjord: I feel like I need to find him because I feel like I owe him, but if he doesn’t feel like that, maybe it’s all in my head. 

Jester: You know, messages are hard, because you can’t see the person’s face. It did take him quite a while to respond.

Fjord: Right.

Jester: or all he knows, I could be someone bad trying to get a response out of him. He might not want to reveal too much. 

Fjord: Sure.... he was smart like that. 

YOU CAN SEE HIS WHOLE BODY LANGUAGE CHANGE AS SHE MANAGES TO CHEER HIM UP, GIVE HIM A SLIVER OF HOPE JUST WHEN HE’S FEELING FORGOTTEN AND UNIMPORTANT

Fjord: Thank you.

HE ALWAYS SOUNDS SO SURPRISED BY HER KINDNESS

Fjord: It’s been a long time. I just don’t know if what I wanted before is the same thing I want now. 

HE SAYS AND RIGHT AFTER HE SENDS HER A LOOK LIKE PLS TRAVIS HAVE SOME MERCY

I AM MARISHA’S EYES EMOJI

Jester: How are you doing? You were very quiet when we were in Nicodranas. You stood on the ocean and didn’t say anything. 

Fjord: I feel like we’ve all changed.

Jester: Yeah

Fjord: Me especially.

Jester:

THAT FACE AND THAT LITTLE SIGH SHE LETS OUT, LIKE SHE WANTS TO DENY IT BUT ALSO FEARS DEEP DOWN THAT IT’S TRUE

Fjord: He’s such a brave man and he did so much for me, I just wanted to emulate that.

Jester: I know.

THERE’S SUCH A PAINFUL EAGERNESS IN HIS VOICE AS HE TALKS ABOUT WHY HE WAS EMULATING VANDRAN. LIKE HE NEEDS HER TO UNDERSTAND HIS REASONS, THAT HE WASN’T JUST LYING, THAT IT CAME FROM A GOOD PLACE.

AND SHE SMILES AND SAYS ‘I KNOW’

OF COURSE SHE DOES

SHE’S ALWAYS KNOWN, WHICH IS WHY DEEP DOWN SHE ALWAYS KNEW HE WAS A GOOD MAN

EVEN WHEN HIS DISTANT PERSONA MADE HER SECOND GUESS IT

THIS IS HER SAYING “I UNDERSTAND, IT’S OKAY” AND IT MEANS THE WORLD

Fjord: Repay that, pay it forward. I don’t know. I feel like I’ve been so obsessed with this sword and how I got it, and Uk’otoa and the whole thing and I just feel like there’s more out there. It’s always more. Even Port Damali and before that, my world just got bigger and bigger and bigger and- The more time goes on, the more you realize there is and the more we affect and the more we can be affected. 

THIS CONFESSION KILLS ME BECAUSE IT SEEMS TO LOUDLY ECHO JESTER’S OWN PAIN AND ISSUES, THE SAME FRUSTRATION WITH HOW HARSH AND HURTFUL THE WORLD CAN BE

THEIR LIVES EXPERIENCES SEEM SO DIFFERENT BUT AT THE SAME TIME THEY ARE SO SIMILAR IN THEIR LONELINESS AND BOTH OF THEM FIGURING OUT THIS CRAZY WORLD TOGETHER

Fjord: And there’s a part of me that just wants to leave it all... behind?

AND THE WAY HE SAYS IT. HE SUDDENLY LOOKS UP TO HER AND ALL BUT REACHES OUT. 

THERE’S JUST A HINT OF YEARNING THERE THAT DESTROYS ME.

For someone who’s been so vocal about how much he loves this new version of himself and this life he has with his friends, this is probably the deepest confession, something he says almost ashamed, like he expects to hear he’s crazy... but Jester understands him so deeply, she’s as usual on the same page. 

Jester: Go somewhere quiet and disappear, and hope that it never bothers you again?

Fjord: Yeah.

Jester: Yeah, I understand that. 

IT’S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL FANTASY FOR THE TWO OF THEM, JUST FINDING A QUIET PLACE SOMEDAY AND LEAVING IT ALL BEHIND

LIKE IMAGINE IF THEY THROWBACK TO THIS BY THE END OF THE CAMPAIGN 

AND HE ASKS ‘SO HOW ABOUT THAT QUIET PLACE?’ OR SOMETHING

Fjord: I just don’t think it will let me. I feel like I’m trying to force someone that’s not gonna happen on its own. 

BUT OF COURSE, THE MAGIC BREAKS BECAUSE REALITY IS WEIGHING HIM DOWN AND HE CAN’T EVEN DREAM ABOUT BEING AT PEACE, OF MAYBE RUNNING AWAY WITH HER ONE DAY. 

Jester: do you feel scared when you think of Uk’otoa?

Fjord: I try not to think of... Uk’otoa. 

Jester: I mean, that’s where your magical powers came from, yeah?

Fjord: Yeah. 

Jester: You can’t escape that.

AND THIS. LADYS, GENTS AND OTHERS, IS THE MOMENT WHEN IT GETS SCARY.

WHEN JESER LAVORRE LOSES HER EVER OPTIMIST OUTLOOK AND SAYS SOMETHING SO GRIM. 

But that’s also the moment, it seems, when Fjord FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY OPENS UP ABOUT SOMETHING THAT’S BEEN DRIVING HIM NUTS FOR WEEKS.

Fjord: They... left... for a little bit. 

Jester: What?

Fjord: There was a night. I woke up and the sword as on the floor and I- I couldn’t do anything. 

Jester: When was that?

Fjord: ......A while ago.

HE HESITATES SO MUCH IN THIS LITTLE BIT AND IT KILLS ME BECAUSE HE KNOWS SHE’S NOT GONNA BE HAPPY THAT HE KEPT IT A SECRET

Jester: Fjord! Why didn’t you say anything?!

Fjord: I didn’t know what to do.

THIS IS YET ANOTHER ADMISSION OF VULNERABILITY FROM FJORD AND IT’S SO UNUSUAL I LOVE HOW OPEN HE IS WITH HER

Jester: But it came back.

Fjord: In the middle of the day. We were setting that ambush and Yasha...

EXCUSE ME TRAVIS WILLINGHAM HOW DARE YOU

Fjord: Yasha was getting those bracers made and... they came back after a little bit but- I didn’t know if I was gonna run or what. 

I was fully expecting Jester to freak out at the possibility of Fjord running away, ngl, but instead we got like THE HEAVIEST MOMENT IN THIS CONVERSATION

The moment where Jester got even more serious. 

The moment where she finally asked the question that’s been eating her up for months. 

The moment of truth that probably triggered what happened later that same night and pushed Fjord to make the biggest change yet.

All from three questions.

Jester: How did you feel when they were gone?

Fjord: Terrified.

AND HE’S VULNERABLE AND PAINFULLY HONEST ABOUT IT.

Jester: Did you want them back?

Fjord: Yes.

Jester: Would you do anything to get them back?

AND THAT’S THE QUESTION, ISN’T IT??

THE WHOLE DEAL WITH THIS CONFLICT

THE MAKE IT OR BREAK IT

AND FJORD DOESN’T PEEL HIS EYES AWAY FROM HER FOR A SECOND, NOT EVEN WHEN HE TAKES A MOMENT LONGER TO REPLY, HE LOOKS HER IN THE EYE AND REPLIES WITH THE SAME HONESTY HE’S SHOWN HER FROM DAY ONE

Fjord: No

Jester: 

AND IN ANSWERING THAT QUESTION, I BELIEVE, FJORD SEALED HIS FATE. 

I don’t think he knew the answer, himself, until Jester asked, until faced with the choice right now and having to look at himself and be honest. 

And the answer is ‘no’. He won’t. And that means Uk’otoa can’t keep pushing him, blackmailing him, keeping him hostage. Because Fjord now knows, with all certainty, that no matter how desperate and terrified he feels without powers he will not give in. 

And that, it seems, is all he needs to know to free himself.

Fjord: No, but... I feel like I knew what I was doing and now I realize I had no idea.

Jester: You’re not the only one. 

Fjord: Yeah.

Fjord: Thank you. That might’ve been the... check in I needed.

THE CHECK IN HE NEEDED TO FINALLY FREE HIMSELF, IT SEEMS.

Also I love how he keeps thanking her?????

Jester: I wish I could be of more help, though.

Fjord: No, you have been. 

Fjord: I’ve known you the longest in this. 

Jester: 

I’M FREAKING SCREAMING WTF ÑLDJAFDLÑKAJFLÑAK

I’M FREAKING BLASTING SUNFLOWER AT FULL VOLUME

HIS VOICE IS SO SOFT AND WARM

HER SUPPORT MEANS SO DAMN MUCH TO HIM

I’M SOBBING

Jester: I mean... the Traveler gave me my powers. Maybe if you, you know, don’t follow Uk’otoa you could follow the Traveler! Or someone else who could give you powers that are even better!

LOOK AT THE WAY HE LOOKS AT HER WHILE SHE OFFERS HER OWN DEITY TO HIM TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO HELP HIM HE’S SO SOFT

Fjord: How do you feel about Caduceus’s deity?

Jester: The Wild Mother?

Fjord: Yeah, Melora.

FJORD IS ALMOST HESITANT IN HIS ASKING BUT HE’S LOOKING AT HER WITH THOSE WIDE EXPECTANT EYES AND GOD HE TRUSTS HER SO MUCH AND HER OPINION IS SO IMPORTANT TO HIM AND HE REALLY HONESTLY IS ASKING FOR HER THOUGHTS IN THIS SUPER INTIMATE MATTER BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONE WHO KNOWS HIM BEST AND I’M JUST-

Jester: I mean, I saw her. When I was bringing Caduceus back.

Fjord: You did?

Jester: Mhmm. She popped in for a second. She... she seemed pretty nice. And she brought him back from the dead, I mean that’s always a good thing. That’s pretty powerful stuff. 

Fjord: Yeah.

Jester: He talks to her a lot. Not as much as I talk to the Traveler, you know, cause The Traveler’s always got my back and stuff but I mean, as far as other gods go she’s pretty good one.

WHY ARE THEY SO CUTE I CAN’T

FJORD’S FACE LIKE “WELL JESTER I DON’T THINK ANYONE TALKS TO THEIR DEITY AS MUCH AS YOU DO” I MEAN

Fjord: Okay

Fjord: I’m gonna see if she’ll... take an interest? I don’t know.

Jester: Wow!

SHE’S SO EXCITED AND HAPPY FOR HIM I WANNA CRY

Fjord: I don’t know how it works.

Jester: Me neither! We should figure it out! This is our new mission!!

SHE’S SO ON BOARD. SO READY TO HELP.

IF FJORD NEEDS HER THEN SHE WILL POUR HERSELF IN THIS

LIKE SHE’S BEEN DOING SINCE DAY ONE

Fjord: This- this is?

Jester: Yeah, remember, originally we were just trying to get you to that stupid accademy! That place is stupid! I hate that place!

Fjord:

Fjord: I don’t- I don’t mind having a new... mission. But if it is, can we just not... you know... tell everybody about... 

Jester: Alright! We won’t tell everybody but you and I will know this is our new mission. 

SHE’S SO HAPPY AND EXCITED TO HAVE A SHARED SECRET MISSION WITH HIM

THEY ARE A TEAM. THEY LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER. 

DFJAÑDFLJA

Jester: I would do anything to get you away from Uk’otoa, okay?

LISTEN

LISTEN

LISTEN

THIS KINDA DECLARATION OF PROTECTION AND SUPPORT DESTROYED ME 

BUT ALSO

THINK OF THE POSSIBLE ANGST OF JESTER TRULY TRYING TO INTERVENE AND A CERTAIN DEMIGOD NOT TAKING KINDLY TO IT UH??

I WANT P A I N 

but for now just fluffiness

Fjord: Okay

Jester: Okay.

Jester: Thank you for talking to me, Fjord.

Fjord: Sure.

Jester: Your tusks look pretty good coming in, by the way.

Fjord: Thanks.

THE PERFECT CUTE AWKWARD NOTE TO END THIS LOVELY CONVERSATION WITH

AND THAT WOULD’VE BEEN ENOUGH

BUT OH NO

THEN THE ANGST WITH FJORD AND THE SWORD

LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN OKAY

so 

way back when fjord lost his powers and told no one

and then he got all affectioned with jester

Travis talked about how the scare made Fjord value her constancy in contrast to the powers that he’d valued so much so far and could just be taken away at any given moment

He realized, a few weeks ago in-game, how much more important she is to him

So to have had this talk with her and have her entire support, finally coming clean about what happened and voicing his wishes for change and her being absolutely ride or die for him... and then losing his powers?

I am convinced that her input had a lot of weight in his final decision. 

Her asking him if he would do anything to get his powers back and him finally realizing no, he wouldn’t, was such a freeing moment, realizing he had the power to not be hostage of Uk’otoa anymore because even if the deity held his powers back it would not get what it wants from him

When the moment comes, he says “you need me more than i need you” and that is finally true because as much as he thought he needed his powers to be someone and be important, he now knows that he has something far more constant and powerful on his side, and that gives him the upperhand against uk’otoa

And he’s finally made up his mind, there is a plan, and there is Jester who will not stop until she finds a way to help him. 

And i want to believe that the moment he hesitated right before throwing the falchion into the lava, his mind flew back to that conversation and it gave him the strength he needed to free himself

I don’t expect this is the last we’ll see of Uk’otoa trying to screw with Fjord, honestly, but with Jester’s firm declaration of support, I expect they will be a united front against him in the future —along with the rest of the Nein, probably. 

Which brings us to

The morning after

Jester: Fjord, do you want some of my bead?

Fjord *in his og accent*: Yes, thank you.

Jester:

Fjord: 

Jester:

Fjord:

LOOK AT THEM COMMUNICATING WITH LOOKS LFDKJAÑFLDAJ 

I LOVE THEM

Jester: Fjord.

Jester *whispering*: You’re not doing the accent! You forgot about it!

IT’S SO FREAKING HILARIOUS THAT JESTER THINKS FJORD JUST GOT UP ONE MORNING AND ENTIRELY FORGOT ABOUT THE FAKE ACCENT HE’S BEEN PUTTING UP FOR THE PAST 8 MONTHS

but it’s also adorable how she tried to warn him quickly, ever the protector of his secrets

Fjord: [To Beau, Cad and Nott] I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry to ght all of you. You [Caleb] caught up and [to Jester] you have known me the longest.

Jester:

Fjord: I haven’t been entirely foreright with you. I sound like this.

Jester: Well, yeah, I know.

Fjord: I know you know. 

Jester: oh

HE SOUNDS SO SOFT

I’M NOT READY TO LEARN ALL THE WAYS HE SOUNDS IN THIS ACCENT WHEN HE TALKS TO JESTER

ALSO THAT MARRIED BANTER IS SO CUTE

Nott: What do you mean you sound like this? Some times? All the time? Really?

Fjord: Most of my life, yes. 

Nott: What was that other thing you were doing?!

Jester: He was Vandran.

I LOVE THE CONTRAST

ABOUT HOW MUCH JESTER KNOWS

I think it might be good that he had this talk with Caleb before because he took this group confession much more in a stride, but he also didn’t know that it was Vandran’s accent iirc or that Jester knew, and the looks he was giving her were so much fun!

Jester [about his fake accent]: It was charming

Fjord: I threw the sword into the liquid steel last night.

Jester:

Jester: I thought you loved that sword!

[later]

Fjord: I talked to Jester just before we went to bed.

Fjord: And I said I felt like change was needed. I didn’t like feeling like a pawn or a puppet and I didn’t know where that was going to lead. Also, if that’s the last key before this thing is unleased why not destroy the fucking... key. So I threw it in.

Beau: So do you feel like you still have the balls inside of you?

Fjord: Let’s see. 

Fjord: *fails to disguise self*

Jester: What were you trying to do?

Fjord: Let out a fart.

Jester: 

Fjord: No.

Nott: You’re powerless?

Fjord: I think so.

THERE’S A NEW KIND OF GOOFINESS TO THIS FJORD WHO IS NOT TRYING TO PLAY VANDRAN THAT MAKES ME SO CURIOUS 

HE’S PLAYFUL, AND MAYBE IT’S HIS NERVES, MAYBE THIS IS HIM WHEN HE’S NOT TRYING TO ACT LIKE HE’S ALWAYS IN CONTROL 

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY

I CAN 100% SEE THIS FJORD BEING JESTER’S FIRST REAL FRIEND IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD, NERVOUS AND RAMBLY AND JOKING TO RELEASE THE TENSION, MAN SHE MUST HAVE LOVED HIM IMMEDIATELY 

HE’S JUST HER BRAND, EVEN MORE THAN WE EVER THOUGHT

Fjord: *is talking about his Uk’otoa dreams*

Fjord: *suddenly makes eye contact with Jester*

Jester:

Fjord:

Jester: *giggles*

Fjord: *snorts a laugh*

Fjord: *keeps talking about his missing powers*

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT WAS BUT I WANT 20 MORE OF IT PLEASE AND THANK YOU

Jester: But you said they came back before.

Fjord: It did

Fjord: That was also without throwing the sword into a pool of lava

Fjord: But yeah

Jester: He’s gonna be real pissed at you, Fjord. 

SHE’S SO WORRIED FOR HIM

also the faces he makes

it’s gonna take me a while to get use to these new mannerisms from him

Fjord: Jester sent a message for me last night.

Jester: 

soft soft soft soft

Fjord *after using the scorhing ray glove*: But it’s the glove

Caleb: yeah, but it’s on your hand. Hold on to that. [To Jester] Where is that whip?

Jester: Here?

Caleb: Yeah, you have things that are more useful than this.

Jester: You can also have my axe!

Nott: you can have my dagger

Caduceus: I also have a shield

Fjord *holding back tears*: oh no

I’M CRYING

YOU WANT ONE

TAKE TWO

TAKE EVERYTHING I CAN GIVE YOU 

THIS MOMENT WAS SO WHOLESOME AND FJORD FELT SO LOVED I’M EMO ALL OVER AGAIN JUST THINKING ABOUT IT

everything about this episode was wholesome and fed my soul

i’m gonna have to lay down until next friday to really digest all of it

expect further meta and ramblings 

i’m so excited for what comes next!!!!

[cadaceus]

C2E91

There was... so much to process from this episode. I feel like I can’t even do my little pre-recap ramble without spoiling something. I will say this though: [Captain Holt voice] STONE??? Besides that point however, there were a lot of emotions (especially in regards to Nott near the end there) and I was up until 3am, text-ranting my best friend about said emotions. I think this is one of, if not *the* first Critical Role episode where I genuinely shed a tear. So without further ado here are my liveblogs, notes, and eventual all-caps emotions about Campaign 2, Episode 91 of Critical Role: “Stone to Clay.”

- Nott’s problem is not on her to-do list! That makes me sad :((

- Essek’s soft “If you would have a guest for dinner, perhaps?” stop stop i already love you  😭

- Everyone being a bit awkward at small talk is a Whole Mood, including Yasha saying “I’ll....build a fire?” I love my 7 charisma daughter!!!! (also Frumpkin jumping into Essek’s lap is so cute)

- “There are two stories I can think of that managed to step into the annals of history, the time before.” I am still waiting on that Time Travel Arc!!! I am literally so ready (and they don’t know what happened to the second time traveler... maybe they are still out there somewhere??)

- “Is this friendship safe for you here?” “Nothing I do is safe.” uhhhhhh  👀 

- okay WHAT was the embarrassing thing about Essek that Laura got a whisper about, what made her laugh so hard, was he really pooping that one time? I have to know !!!

- Marisha, Sam, and Laura all giving the side-eye when Caleb says to Essek “I think you and I share... interests” dfghjkldjddk leave the wizards alone !!!

- Fjord pretending to be “Jeff” and Jester trying to sell him on the Traveler.... BYE (+ Fjord’s imitation of going ‘Ooh! I’m seeking change and direction!’ is basically  him before the Wildmother anyway)

- Fjord’s last name being Stone..... uhhh HELLO? HELLO???

- ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS INSANE COINCIDENCE BECAUSE FJORD’S DESTINY WAS FORGED FROM HIS PAIN OF COURSE BUT ALSO ??? LOWKEY WRITTEN IN THE STARS ??? MAYHAPS ???  

- “I’m the Transmutation wizard, but you’re the one who changes people.” Aww that was really sweet, that whole conversation between Caleb and Jester was lovely

- Sam, Travis, and Marisha have the best reactions to that Jester convo with the Traveler loooool

- Aww Yasha sleeping in Caduceus’ room because she’s afraid to sleep alone  😭 My love

- Not gonna lie, I totally thought Vence was dead/had been killed after they’d found out he was being scryed on, so the fact that he’s (a) alive and (b) been captured by the Empire is !!!!!!! A Lot !!!!!

- Also I love how the message was like “Ah yes peace talks to potentially end this devastating war will take place in four weeks” and everyone’s first reactions were “Oof that’s cutting it a bit close to travelercon :/“ because mood 😂😂

- Caleb cupping Nott’s face and reassuring her that he’s so close to solving the equation and getting her back, have I told everyone how much I love them yet lately?? Because I love them so much

- Essek: “So... how I do this... How was your day?” 😭 He’s literally like Zuko post-redemption from the Last Airbender in his awkward but powerful and slightly charming levels, I love him

- One of the lightbulbs in my overhead light has been dead for awhile now but when Matt Mercer said “all the candles immediately light” it chose that exact moment to flicker on for the first time in months???? What kind of witchcraft???

- I’m not saying I ship Beau/Jester/Yasha but...... I’m starting to ship Beau/Jester/Yasha sdfghjk I love them okay

- “The spell is complete” OH SHIT THAT WAS FAST I’M NOT READY AAAAHH

- Laura’s facial expressions during the “We work well together. We should explore other things.” “I have some ideas.” conversation were pure gold I love her sdfghjklkjhghjk

- “You go towards the kitchen and the door is locked.” / Cad: “Well, that’s half your problem right here.” lmaooooo king of comedy

- “I kind of thought I’d have to die to do it again.” When is someone going to confront Nott about her death back in Happy Fun Ball because I think she was acting recklessly under this exact assumption :(((

- Caleb (to Nott): “We wouldn’t judge you if you wanted to stay with us for awhile.” Beau: “Or if you wanted to go home.” Caleb, increasingly desperate: “Or if you wanted to stay with us for awhile.”  😭 😭 😭

- “We do what we always do. We do it together. Caleb and Nott.” Why are they literally making me cry at 1am what did I do to deserve this treatment it’s so much

- Jester: “Do you want to come find some gem dust with me Fjord?” / Nott: “I mean, he can’t dig, so yeah.” / Fjord: “What?” / Nott: “I mean, come on.” LMAO GOT EM

- Nott: “I want Beau to mold my titties and no else, because she’s got the most experience with them--” Yasha: “Well that might not be entirely true!”  😂😂 BYE

- This will be our best trick yet

- Okay here we go...... here we go....... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I’m so emotional :(((((

- uhhh chief

- UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,,,,,,,, CHIEF

- Wait so does Nott have a curse on her? She can’t turn back until the curse is broken? On the one hand I’m really sad because she’s been working towards this for so long but on the other hand I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Nott and meet Veth quite yet, I thought it all happened suspiciously quick (in the sense that at the start of the episode she still didn’t even think it was possible/they were actively planning to work towards a different goal, and then at the end it was very possible to achieve Nott’s goal)... I should have known it was too good to be true :((