#when the fic wasn't just hating every character the author didn't like

[philtatosbuck]

to that one person who wrote a chapter in the longest mary/gary sue ass fic i have ever read about how marcel and damon were commiserating over both being in wars and damon outright told marcel he was a confederate and marcel was just like “i get it”. you are going to hell

[itsvenera]

summary: You and Sasuke have been caught in a toxic cycle of love and hate for as long as you can remember. Yet when you try to break free, he finds himself unable to let you go. (14k words)

warning(s): 18+ content (minors DO NOT INTERACT!), toxic! fem reader, toxic!Sasuke (a bit ooc as well?), mentions of cheating, love-hate relationship, p in v, oral (f! receiving), oral (m! receiving), fingering, unprotected sex

author's note: that was supposed to be a a short nsfw fic, yet somehow it became... this. Anyway, I am actually really proud of this one, so I really hope you enjoy! Shoutout to the anon who had send me their thoughts on toxic reader x toxic character , your message was main inspo for this one <3

Sasuke Uchiha has made many mistakes in his life. Fact.

The biggest one, however, had to be you.

From the moment he met you during one of his travels after the war, he could feel it deep inside his chest - a growing feeling of irritation, one that he has not felt since his early genin days. He has seen women like you before - ones that rely heavily on their beauty to get what they want. One coy smile or a seductive glance was enough to tilt the odds in your favour in every situation and - God! - did Sasuke hate it. How was it fair that someone like you could always achieve anything they put their mind to with such an ease, while others had to spend years in hard work while patiently waiting for their moment to shine?

But it wasn't just your looks that captivated people. Your wit, sharper and faster than his sword, had to be your biggest weapon - and you wielded it masterfully, he had to admit. You spared no man or a woman, as you let charming lies and sugarcoated compliments tease the egos of those around you, quickly turning them in nothing more than powerless puppets in your hands.

What angered him the most, however, is how aware you were of your power. You used it unapologetically, without even a single ounce of guilt or shame, as if it was your birthright to make everyone else around you bow to your will. So when he found himself in your bed just a few days after your first meeting, the tip of his cock kissing your cervix with each harsh thrust while his fingers squeezed your throat so hard, you could swear you were seeing stars, he convinced himself that you deserve no mercy.

No, far from it!

Women like you deserved to be reminded of their place. And Sasuke was determined to be the one to do it.

He kept reminding you over and over again for the short period he was visiting your village - in your bedroom; in the shower; on the table of the Council of your village; on the training grounds under the moonlight; in the secluded corners of the leader's (who was also your pathetic lover) building where no one dared to wander. He had made it his mission you understood - no matter how cunning your schemes were, you would never have the upper hand over him.

Being a good and changed man now, Sasuke knew he couldn't just let you drift through life relying on lies and using people. So he did what he thought was the best way to deal with a menace like you...

he married you.

It his mind, it was perfectly logical solution. If you were going to wreak havoc across the nations, Sasuke figured he might as well be the one to keep you in check. He had witnessed first-hand how many fools have fallen to your sweet deceptions and he knew that if there was one man who can handle you, it was him.

In addition, you were also the perfect tool to get his many 'fangirls' and Naruto off his back. He knew that as the last surviving member of his clan there was certain pressure for him to settle down, but he didn't expect that everyone would ‘demand’ it from him so soon after the war. He still had to atone to his sins, piece together the shattered fragments of his identity and find his place in this broken world. A relationship - let alone a wife and kids - was the last thing on his mind.

Yet it seemed that everywhere he went, the whispers of the 'last eligible Uchiha bachelor' were faster - by the time he entered a village, he was eagerly welcomed by elders who would parade young women before him, as if they were animals for sale.

It was sickening, really. And no matter how bluntly he expressed he is not interested, the people just didn't take the hint.

So if he could kill two rabbits with only one shot, then…

"We are getting married," he informed you on his last night at your village, while getting dressed. It was not a proposal, or even a question - just a simple, straightforward declaration.

He didn't even spare a glance in your direction as he adjusted his clothes, almost as if he didn't pump you full of his seed multiple times through the night. Unlike any other man you've met (and fucked) before, he was always eager to leave after you two were done. He never held you close or whispered sweet nothings into your ear - no, he hated you too much to put all that effort for a single fuck.

"I don't usually go for men with missing limbs," you snickered with that signature infuriating smirk on your face that drove Sasuke wild, "But I guess the good sex and your last name are worth for me to make an exception."

Sasuke only grunted in response, before leaving you alone in your bedroom. How did you manage to get under his skin so effortlessly, he'd never understand.

He was no fool, he knew that if it was any other man - even that short, fat loser who was your village leader (and lover) - you would've turned him down straight away. But he had something he knew you wanted badly and that was the name Uchiha. You were a smart woman and had calculated all the privileges - the power, the influence, the fame - that a union like that could give you. He knew you were not really interested in him, at least not in the way other women were.

You never fawned over him or actively sought his attention. Instead you were treating him with a level of indifference, gracing him your full attentiveness only when you were intimate. And even then you liked to show your bratty side, refusing to submit and leaving him with no other option than manhandling you till you admit surrender. But you never made it easy, that's for sure.

When he brought you back to Konoha, officially as his wife, everyone thought he had lost the last bit of sanity in his head for good.

"This has to be joke..." Sakura muttered as she watched you walk next to Sasuke into the Uchiha compound, the clan symbol proudly decorating the back of your kimono. She didn't want to sound jealous or envious, but you just looked so... not his type. She had always envisioned him with a strong woman - ninja, for sure - who could balance his cold and distant nature by providing him with all the love and warmth he has been deprived for all these years.

But you? You looked nothing like that. Sure, you were pretty, but you were a civilian who couldn't relate to the shinobi's lifestyle. How Sasuke chose you, a foreigner nonetheless, from all of the available women in Konoha was beyond her comprehension.

"I don't think it is, Sakura-chan," Naruto replied from his spot next to her, his eyes unable to move away from the way you swayed your hips while walking next to his best friend. He knew it was wrong, that he shouldn't look at someone else's woman like that, but how could he control himself? He knew he was too weak to resist you the moment Sasuke introduced you to him and Sakura, and your eyes lingered just a second longer on his, before you turned away, a small smirk grazing your lips.

To say that you had quickly became the favourite woman of every person in the village would be an understatement. All of the men, even geniuses like Neji and Shikamaru, seemed to fall under your spell without much effort. Your confidence, combined with your sharp mind and beauty, seemed to draw in everyone like flies to honey much to Sasuke's dismay. Of course, he expected from you to continue to try playing your little games even after bringing you back to the Leaf, but he thought better of his old teammates.

And it wasn't just the men in the village, either. Even the reluctant women who initially questioned your motivations, like Sakura and Ino, soon found themselves drawn to your company, seduced by the idea of not having to shy away from their femininity around you. All their life they have been taught that they have to train and work hard to be considered as something even close to a man's equal - yet, here you were, without any skills or fighting abilities, managing to wrap every single man around your finger and make them inferior to yourself. You were strong in a way that they hadn't considered before - through your confidence, charm, and most importantly, intelligence.

Sasuke was feeling torn by the whole thing. On one hand, he felt like he had failed in his goal to tame you and keep you in control. A year after he made you his wife, he found himself not only unsuccessful, but completely outsmarted and outplayed by you.

On the other hand, for less than half a decade, you managed to achieve what he thought he may not achieve in his whole lifetime. Not only you had carried his twin boys - a result of him bullying all his frustration and annoyance he held toward you into your tight little pussy every chance he got - but you somehow managed to restore the reputation of the Uchiha clan all by yourself. What was once a name connected only to criminals and bloodshed, was now associated with respect, political influence, and a sense of honor. You had restored the pride that Sasuke thought he never may regain again, let alone be given by someone like you.

When you asked him for a divorce one peaceful night during dinner, he thought he has heard you wrong. His mismatched eyes narrowed, as he studied your calm expression. After six years of using his name to climb to the village's higher circles and giving him sons to continue the legacy of the Uchiha clan, you suddenly wanted to leave?

"I think we had this dance for long enough, don't you, husband?"

Your marriage was far from perfect or even socially acceptable, you both knew that. From the very beginning, it was built on mutual benefits rather than love. Sasuke never grew to be a loving husband, at least in the traditional sense of the word, and neither you learned how to play the role of the typical 'caring wife' at home. Yet, after six years together, you somehow managed to fall into a twisted cycle of love desperation and need for each other.

It wasn't the type of relationship that inspired poetry or flowery fairytales. It was raw, obsessive, and painful. There was darkness in both of you, one which you greedily embraced, feeding off each other's flaws, insecurities and unhappiness. Your fights were loud and destructive, as venomous words were aimed at each other's weakest spots. He never missed a chance to remind you of how unlovable you were - a shiny and pretty empty shell that men saw for its beauty, not for its substance. You never held back in holding his past sins over his head, bringing even his own brother as an argument when you found yourself cornered.

"Kinslayer playing house," you would hiss, the edge of your lips turning slightly upward as you notice his eyes darkening, "I wonder what your dear brother would think if he saw you right now."

Furniture would break, plates would fly, and just like every time, you would find yourselves in your shared bed, tangled in the passion and chaos on which you both thrived.

It was toxic, but it was also consuming. Neither of you knew how to break free from these chains, and neither of you really wanted to. It was addicting, it was broken and it was yours.

Till it suddenly wasn't.

When you brought up the divorce, he knew you have calculated the whole thing - the twins were in the room next door and you never fought when your kids were around. If there was one genuine thing that came out from this marriage, it was your two boys Isao and Jiro. They were born a year after you wed and for better or worse, were a perfect mix of both of your personalities.

Isao was the older son - a confident and focused kid, who despite his young age, has already shown impressive skills with ninjutsu and taijutsu. He always looked up to his father, seeking his approval as he pushed himself harder and harder every day. In a lot of ways, he reminded Sasuke of himself - his black eyes were full of determination, as he refused to settle for anything but being the best in everything he did. Yet, unlike his gloomy younger self, Isao possessed a level of charisma that he surely inherited from you.

Everyone loved Isao - and he knew how to use it to his advantage to get what he wanted, even from you.

Jiro on the other hand, preferred to stay in the background and observe, rather than to be in the centre of the attention. He had Sasuke's calm and reserved nature and unlike his brother, he didn't seek anyone's approval or attention. Quite the opposite - he preferred to hold back his true strength, patiently waiting and strategizing for the right moment to unleash it.

"I'm not letting you take my kids away from me," Sasuke promised you that night, his eyes boring into yours as he sat at the other end of the table.

His voice was cold and firm, so different from his usual venomous hiss he uses during arguments with you. But in his mind this wasn't an argument - it was just one of your many silly tantrums, a move inspired by nothing else than the desire to get under his skin.

"I am their mother and their place is with me," you stated seriously without even a hint of the usual mockery which could always be heard when you were speaking to your husband, "You can still see them during weekends - if you are in Konoha and not chasing shadows of threats across the villages, that's it."

Sasuke's jaw tightened, as he slammed his glass down louder than necessary. You didn't even flinch, as you held his gaze which was slowly becoming darker.

"What are you getting at?"

"You know very well I am getting at," you scoffed, the calm and collected composure finally cracking under the heaviness of all unspoken feelings you carried inside your chest, "When was the last time you spend more than a few days with your kids? You're constantly on the road, doing God knows what, while I am left here-"

"Stop bringing the children into this!" he snapped, interrupting you mid-sentence. His voice was low but with a note of irritation, proving to you that he was holding back for the sake of your children next door. Your lips pressed into a thin line, your teeth gritting together while you pressed your back against the chair. There may have been a fire of defiance burning inside of you, but even you knew when to draw the line, especially when he used that voice.

"This is about you, isn't it?" he clicked his tongue, his head shaking from side to side, "About your greediness and unsatisfiable need to suck the life out of everyone around you, before you move on to your next victim. What, did you already exhaust all the benefits you got from carrying the last name Uchiha?"

The room suddenly grew colder, as you stared at each other, his words still lingering in the tense air between you. He was never one to shy from the opportunity to hit you where he knew it hurt the most and in typical Sasuke's style, it was not his final blow either.

"You talk about my failures as a father all the time, but what kind of mother uses her own sons as pawns in her silly power game?"

Your breath hitched in your throat and before you can even think about it, you grabbed the dinner knife on your right and hurled it in his direction, aiming for his head. He dodged it effortlessly, his eyes narrowing as he saw you reaching for your fork next.

"If you are trying to get my head, dear wife," he said almost mockingly, catching the next flaying utensil with his hand before slamming it down on the table next to him, "Have the decency not to do it while the children are next door."

Gripping the edge of the table to stop yourself from throwing your plate next, all you could see in front of your eyes was red. Blinding, raging red, which was threatening to consume you whole.

God, you hated him! You hated him, you despised him and if it was up to you, he would burn in hell for at least a few eternities!

"You are the last person who gets to lecture me on decency," you chuckled dryly, before reaching for your wine glass and swallowing a large gulp, "Did you also talk to your brother about it when he slaughtered your whole family? Or when you killed him?"

Sasuke's expression immediately hardened and his hand clenched into a fist. He has met many infuriating women in his lifetime, but you... you were a monster! A beautiful nightmare that had her claws deep into his soul, chewing and digging into his very core.

"I've told you not to bring up Itachi-"

"Or what?" you leaned forward, one elegant brow raising as you placed your chin on top of your crossed fingers, "What will you do, Sasuke? Divorce me?"

It was clear you were pushing his limits, Sasuke knew you well enough by now to see through your attempts to rile him up. Despite his realisation, however, it was too late - you had already buried your stinger under his skin, poking at his past wounds that never closed. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath while trying to control his nerves.

"I am not giving you a divorce," he said finally, his tone cold, "So stop throwing your tantrum and find other ways to pass your free time, which you seem to have in excess. Perhaps finding a job will do you good."

Sasuke got up from his seat, pushing his plate to the side before exiting the dinner room without casting even a single glance in your direction. You pressed your lips together as you watched him leave, the door closing with a quiet thud behind him. There was a brief silence, before you heard Isao and Jiro's laughter from their room at the end of the corridor. With a sigh, you got up and you started to clear the table.

. . .

Whatever you wanted, you got. Sasuke had seen you going great lengths to achieve what you wanted. Yet, he didn't think you would actually go this far.

As a Shadow Hokage, he was used to spending months away from home, investigating threats made toward Konoha and if necessary, taking all the measures to get rid of them before they can become actual problems. Most of them were coming from rebel groups in neighbouring countries, who were trying to stir another armed conflict between the nations, but sometimes there were unexpected surprises.

One of these surprises was the letter he received one sunny morning by Koyuki, the leader of the Land of Snow. She had warned Konoha about rumours of unnamed groups, who were actively recruiting members to start a new cult against the Land of Fire. Their motivation seemed unclear, but she had provided enough evidence to give both Naruto and Sasuke a reason to worry.

Leaving the same day, he spend three months travelling across the small country, interviewing civilians, chasing trials and collecting evidence before he found out that his whole thing was orchestrated by no one else other than his own wife.

It wasn't the first time he had found himself tangled in one of your schemes. You had not only the influence, but also the connections long before you became an Uchiha. After you got his last name they only intensified and a single word from you was enough to set a whole series of events and tangle dozen of innocent people in them.

The letter from Koyuki should've been the first sign something was going on. After all, he knew that you two did know each other and that she often described herself as "girl's girl", whatever that nonsense meant. And then all the evidence that kept pointing to no one in particular, before he finally realised this was all one carefully crafted deception.

There was no cult, there were no threats and there was certainly no one in the whole country that even cared about Land of Fire, let alone bother to threaten it.

At first, he couldn't understand what was your motivation. Were you doing it to spite him? To make him look like a fool? Obviously you didn't think about about the potential damage on the alliance between the two countries, and even if you did, you simply didn't care.

"I am sorry it came to this," Koyuki said as she was bidding him farewell at the village's gates, "It’s nothing personal. It’s just a favor to an old friend."

A favor.

The word ringed in his mind the whole way back home and Sasuke didn't completely connect the dots till he came back home, only to find the compound empty, a signed divorce pack laying on the table. He didn't waste even a second in flipping through the pages, his jaw tightening as he realised that not only he was your ex-husband now, but that you planned this whole thing to keep him long enough so you can convince the Hokage to sign your request to end your marriage in his absence.

"She said you both have reached an agreement and that you specifically gave your permission for her to deal with all the legal stuff, since you know... you were away for a while," Naruto said carefully once the Uchiha confronted him, his brows furrowing in confusion, "Is there something wrong?"

Sasuke had never pulled the curtain behind your marriage before, the image of your family always being perfectly polished picture of the ideal union in front of the society - a noble warrior with a beautiful influential wife, and two talented sons, both already known as the most promising young ninjas at the Academy. To the world, you and him were the epitome of love and success.

Only the two of you knew the truth and he was determined to keep it that way.

"Nothing wrong other than the fact that the Hokage allowed himself to sign papers affecting my life in my absence," Sasuke said coldly, before laying the report of his mission on the blonde's desk, "Me and Mrs. Uchiha have agreed to hold off any final decision until I returned. You shouldn't have dissolved our marriage."

Naruto's expression faltered for a moment, before his gaze hardened at the sound of his friend’s accusation. He wasn't seeing how he was the bad guy in the whole situation, when you were the one who sought his approval of your divorce petition.

"Sasuke," the Hokage said slowly, his voice suddenly sounding more serious than usual, "I was told by Mrs. Uchiha herself that it was a mutual decision and that it was already settled."

"Are you blaming my wife for your failure to follow the proper administrative procedures?" Sasuke snapped, his eyes narrowing at the man before him. If there is one thing he had learned from you, it was how to always turn the tables in his favour.

"She was alone for months and was probably worried sick if her husband will come back at all," he continued, conveniently missing the fact that it was all you who created this whole situation in the first place, "She was acting under the influence of her distress and worry. You, on the other hand, should've known better."

Naruto sighed, before rubbing one of his hands up and down his face. What was exactly going on between you and Sasuke, he would never understand.

From the outside, you two appeared to have everything one couple could wish for - stable family (or not so much now that your divorce was finalized), money, influence, respect. People looked at you and used you as an example of what they wanted to achieve in the future.

For a long time, Naruto also believed that perfectly crafted image, and deep inside, even resented his friend for building such a life. Of course, he loved Hinata with all his heart, but he couldn't lie and say that the intensity of his job hasn't affected their relationship. There were days when he couldn't even see the eyes of his kids, let alone talk to them or train with them. His wife has always remained patient and understanding, but his guilt had already become a constant in his mind.

And then there was Sasuke.

He was often missing for months on end, yet still managed to return to a happy family back home. His kids were cheerful and obedient, excelling in their training and seemingly never resenting their father's prolonged absences. Meanwhile, you - the beautiful and intelligent civilian wife - held the household together, while single-handedly cleared the Uchiha name of whatever bloodshed had tarnished it in the past.

It was yours and Sasuke's world and everyone else was just living in it.

Yet, the more he interacted with either of you, the more he could see how different and toxic you were for each other. He had no doubt you held some type of love for each other, but it was far from the gentle and nurturing kind he and Hinata had. Yours was raw, obsessive, sometimes even cruel.

He had seen the subtle cracks in your act before. Sasuke, with his silent obsession to control you, monitoring every single step you made. Who were you talking to, what were you wearing, when did you eat, how often have you left the house - he knew everything, even when he was miles away. He has abused his position before by having shinobi watching over you, reporting every detail of your daily life to him. Naruto knew about it, but at the time he was just excusing it as Sasuke being overprotective.

The longer it continued, however, the more distant you became. Sasuke had slowly cut off your ties with everyone he deemed an unnecessary connection - including many of his old friends - reducing everyone close to you to mere acquittances.

Yet, you remained defiant. There was a challenge in everything you did - from the way you liked to oppose him in public to the way you bribed the shinobi around your house so they would spare your ex-spouse some of the details of your daily life. You liked getting under his skin and, unlike many other women would, seemed to enjoy playing with his possessiveness. Sometimes your gaze would linger just a second longer on other men, while gracing them with a flirty joke or a seductive smile, before you turn toward Sasuke to check his reaction.

"What do you want me to do?" asked Naruto, his voice laced with frustration as he stared at his old friend. He already messed up by taking your word for the divorce agreement and signing the documents in Sasuke's absence, he wasn't sure he wanted to involve himself even more in whatever game you two were playing.

"You already did enough," the Uchiha scoffed, turning away and starting to walk toward the door, "Just keep your nose out of my and my wife's business. I will take care of this mess."

. . .

During the months following the divorce, Sasuke was more of a husband to you than he has been for the whole six years you were married.

It was ironic, really. After years of him devoting himself completely to the village, he had now taken "indefinite break" because he wanted to "spend time with his family". The first time you heard this rumour you scoffed, unable to believe that Sasuke would actually let go of his relentless pursuit of redemption, let alone because of his ex-wife and kids. However, you were proven wrong the moment Isao and Jiro came back from the Academy one day, all happy and smiling because "Dad said we are moving back home".

You have been underestimating him, it seemed. You always knew Sasuke Uchiha was a man who was persistent in chasing his goals, yet you always seen his idea of honour and moral as weaknesses - flaws that held him back, instead of push him forward. Not that you lacked any, of course, but your approach has always been a bit more... flexible. You weren't afraid to bend a few moral principles if it meant gaining the upper hand.

But your ex-husband was a completely different man from the one you had married six years ago. And for the first time since you met, it was him that was always one step ahead of you.

It started with the children first. Isao and Jiro have always looked up to their father, eager to prove themselves as worthy Uchiha in his eyes. Deep down, however, they were momma's boys. Maybe because Sasuke was absent so frequently and for so long, or maybe because it was just a natural bond, the one between a mother and her sons.

With Sasuke stepping back from his shinobi duties, however, the balance had shifted. He started to be the one to take them to school and pick them up in the afternoon; he spend at least a few hours every afternoon training each one; he took them on day trips across the Land of Fire on weekends. Suddenly he was not just an absent figure of admiration in their life - instead, he was an active father, a hero, a mentor.

Then, he used that newly created bond to pull you back to your old home. At first, it was one day per week "for the boys' sake". Then it was every weekend, because "the kids deserved some sense of normality". Soon, your "new normal" was to spend almost every night back in the Uchiha compound, the casual dinners stretching into overnight stays. It wasn't till Isao and Jiro informed you that Sasuke has told them you three are moving back "home" that you realized how quickly and effectively he managed to push himself back into your life.

He had finally cracked the key to make you submit - while you were quick to dismiss and say 'no' to him, you were powerless when it was your children pleading with you.

"Ironic how you were the one accusing me of using my own sons as pawns once, yet here you are, doing exactly that," you muttered one evening, while cutting vegetables for dinner. While Sasuke was decent enough to provide you with your own house in the compound, between the boys constantly asking for family dinners and your ex-husband orchestrating late night activities for them to bond, you spend the majority of your time in the main house.

Sasuke, who was seated at the kitchen table, looked up from the scroll he was reading, his dark eyes boring into the back of your head.

"Isao and Jiro deserve to have a normal family," he said calmly, ignoring the loud snort that left your lips after he said those words. You casted a side glance at him, one of your brows raising in mock disbelief.

When you didn't receive an answer, you decided that maybe, just maybe, you needed to take it a little bit further.

"I am not going to be here for dinner tonight."

No answer.

"I have a date."

Sasuke's hand stilled and he lowered the scroll once again, his eyes closing. He knew your games by now, he knew it was not beyond you to use other males' attention as a tool to test his patience, yet he couldn't help but feel his stomach twist at the idea of you going out with another man.

"With who?" he asked after a minute of silence, making you smirk to yourself. Ah, there it was - the little crack in his stoic armor that you have been searching for! No matter how much he liked to pretend he hates you or doesn't care about you, the good old trick of bringing a another man into the conversation always worked.

"Oh, you don't know him," you replied casually, sliding the chopped vegetables into the pot and make a few stirs with the wooden spoon, "He is not a shinobi. A kind man, attentive and gentle... with two arms. Everything you are not, really."

A loud scoff left his lips and you turned around to face him, the wooden spoon dangling from your left hand. Sasuke looked at you with furrowed brows, his hand slowly starting to roll the scroll back.

"Doesn't seem you type," he observed, his head finally lifting in your direction. He didn't look half as bothered as you expected, yet you noticed the faintest flicker of annoyance bubbling right under the surface.

You needed to push just a liiiittlleeeee bit more.

"Oh, he is exactly my type!" you grinned at your ex-husband, before crossing your arms in front of your chest, "Still wondering how did I get so lucky!"

Surprisingly your words seemed to humor him and he let out a dry chuckle, while standing up from his seat. You watched him come closer, and you could feel your breath hitching as you saw his hand reaching toward your face.

But right when you thought he was about to cup your cheek, he reached to the small bowl on the shelf behind you and grabbed an apple.

"I think the real question is how did he get so unlucky," he smirked at you before taking a bite.

The AUDACITY of this man!

"Glad to know your sense of humour is just as nonexistent as it was before," you rolled your eyes at him, before turning around to stir your soup. Despite your attempt to pretend his closeness did not affect you, he could notice the small blush on the tip of your ears and the sudden stiffness in your shoulders.

"I am not joking," he calmly chewed his apple, his eyes trained on the side of your face, "He must be quite the loser to go after a woman who is still living with her husband and kids."

You grimaced at his words, your head turning to the side as you challenged him with a glare. If looks could kill, he would've been long gone by now.

"Ex-husband", you corrected him, your jaw clenching as you caught the slightest twitch of his lips upward, "I know you were too busy to attend the divorce hearing with the Hokage, but-"

"I was not busy!" he suddenly interrupted you, his expression becoming serious, "I was away because you orchestrated a whole false cult, which put our alliance with the Land of Snow at risk, just so you can keep me away for long enough to lie to Naruto and get him to sign your petition."

There was a brief silence during which you narrowed your eyes at him, before you shrugged your shoulders.

"I told you I want a divorce."

"And I told you, I am not going to give you one."

His words made you pause, the spoon still held tight by your right hand while you were clutching your apron with your left. You gave a few more stirs to your soup, before setting the utensil down and turning fully toward him.

"I always get what I want," you smiled sweetly, before reaching for his face. Just like you did before, he seemed to freeze for a few seconds, completely thrown off by your gesture. Just when he thought your fingers may brush against his skin, you snatched the apple from his hands, a victorious smirk on your face.

"I thought you knew that by now."

. . .

It wasn't everyday that a man had the chance to take out a beautiful woman out for a dinner, and such an occasion deserved special preparation.

When your date came to pick you up, he made sure to wear his nicest clothes, put his most expensive cologne and buy the biggest bouquet at the flower shop. He lifted his hand against the massive wooden door, nervously checking that he was right on time, before knocking a few times. The door creaked open, but the view that met him on the other side was not one he expected.

"Uh... hi!" he stammered, his cheeks becoming a light shade of pink as the dark-haired man before him stared at him blankly. A few minutes of silence passed, during which Sasuke looked him up and down, before he raised a dark brow.

"Are you lost?" your ex-husband asked impatiently. So far the only true characteristic from your description earlier is the fact the man had two arms. But handsome? Pffttt.

The man blinked rapidly before clearing his throat a bit. Of course, he found it strange that you told him to pick you up from the Uchiha compound, as you were not with Sasuke anymore, but he assumed you got the house during the divorce proceeding. He didn’t think you lived together.

"No, no! I am here to pick up-"

"My wife?" Sasuke interrupted, his expression bored. He had to bite back a smirk as he looked at your date chuckling nervously, before scratching the back of his head. It was as clear as day that you did all this to get him jealous, but honestly you could do so much better than this idiot.

"Your ex-wife" the man furrowed his brows, mentally praying to all deities he could think of, that you did not in fact get back together with the Uchiha. Not that he blamed you - if he was a woman, he wouldn't let go of him in the first place. You had not told him much about your marriage or why you separated, but it was clear that whatever dynamic you had going on was way more complicated than he first thought. He had heard rumours in town that Sasuke still referred to you as Mrs. Uchiha and while you pretended you have not noticed, the Uchiha crest was still proudly decorating the back of all of your kimonos.

Sasuke let his lips curve in a small smirk, as he leaned against the doorframe.

"You got the wrong door," he finally said, nodding his head toward the rest of the compound, where a numerous small houses were standing, separated by tight dark alleys, "Mrs. Uchiha lives further down in the compound."

"Oh?", your date exclaimed, his face twisted in something between confusion and reluctance, "Well, I am sorry to bother you then-"

"Follow me," Sasuke suddenly said, completely ignoring what the other man was about to say, before stepping out of the house and walking down the stairs. Your date hesitated for a moment, his eyes flicking between your ex-husband and the now closed door, before reluctantly decided to follow.

"I am sorry if this is awkward-"

"Loose your tie a bit, you look like you are going to choke," Sasuke interrupted once again, his eyes trained on the dark path in front of him as he didn't even glance in the other male's direction, "And uncuff your trousers! It is ridiculous for a man your age to come to pick up a woman like my wife wearing socks with printed ducks on them."

Your date flushed red, as he hurried to loose his tie and fix the bottom of his pants, while Sasuke continued to walk toward the house where you were supposedly staying. For a moment your admirer wondered if this was not just one big ploy by your husband... ex-husband to get him alone and get rid of him. As he saw the shadow of your figure passing by one of the windows in the distance, however, he relaxed.

It was all fine. It was all going to be fine-

"Wait here," Sasuke instructed as they both reached the door, before reaching for the handle. Before the man can even open his mouth to reply, Sasuke slipped inside and shut the door right under his nose.

As you heard the door opening and closing, you came downstairs to the living room, where your ex-husband was standing with his hand on his waist. His eyes widened just the tiniest bit as they landed on your descending figure, his gaze slowly running from your hair, lifted in a straight high ponytail, to your chest where a gold metallic corset was pushing your breasts forward, showing just enough skin to wake up the imagination. The white fabric of your dress fell down in gentle folds, the high slits that run up each leg, offering a glimpse of your smooth skin with each step that you took.

Ethereal. Powerful. His.

If Sasuke had to describe with only a few words, it would be exactly these.

"Can I help you?" your voice brought Sasuke back to reality and he cleared his throat, his face immediately falling into its usual stoic expression. You smirked as you noticed the apple of his cheeks becoming a slight shade of red, the idea of still having that effect on him after years tickling your sensitive ego.

"Your date is here," he said blankly, his jaw clenching as he tried hard not to let his eyes wander down once again. Damn you, damn you, damn you! When did you even got that dress? Sasuke was pretty sure he knew each piece of clothing in your wardrobe and yet he has never seen this one. There was no doubt in his mind that you didn't do all this for the awkward loser outside, you did this for him.

"Alright," you hummed, leaning your head to the side as you fixed one of your earrings, "And why are you here? You could've just send him down, you didn't have to play the role of a tour guide."

And of course your big mouth just had to shatter whatever fantasy was swirling in Sasuke's head as he was still staring at you. He rolled his eyes, a quiet scoff escaping his lips.

"If I didn't show him where you are, he would've been doing circles around the compound all night," he gave you a funny look, as he lifted a brow, "Really? You said he is the "whole package" - kind, smart, handsome, ... so far the only true thing turned out to be that he indeed have all his limbs."

You clicked your tongue as you moved toward the large mirror in the corner of the living room, completely ignoring your ex-husband who watched each one of yours steps like a predator ready to pounce on his prey any second now.

"Oh, don't be so harsh!" you glanced over your shoulder so you can give him a small smirk, "He can be polished here and there, but he still has his charm."

He let out a small chuckle, as he started to make slow, deliberate steps in your direction.

"He came to pick you up wearing socks with ducks..."

You lifted a brow, your mischievous gaze meeting Sasuke's through the reflection of the mirror.

"Oh? I didn't know that they did socks with your face on them, let alone that he is a fan."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed at your childish jab, before his features twisted in amusement. Since you saw that one childhood photo with Team 7 years ago, you just couldn't let his old hairstyle go. While he usually would scoff or roll his eyes at your antics, now he held your gaze firmly as he closed the remaining distance between you, his chest pressing against your upper back.

"You have always been one hell of a woman...," he muttered, his breath tickling the back of your neck. Your breathing increased slightly as you watched him lean over your shoulder, the playful tension that was filling the room till now quickly turning into something else.

"Do you think he can handle you?" Sasuke continued, the side of his face pressing against yours as he continued to stare right into your soul. His hand made its way toward your waist, harshly pulling you back against him till you could feel the print of his hardness right against your bottom. You let out a short gasp, instinctively leaning back against him.

"Do you think he can keep up with your little games? To match your fire, your temper..."

His hand moved lower, the tips of his rough fingers grazing the bit of visible skin there causing another shaky breath to leave your lips. It was embarrassing, how wet and bothered he managed to get you just with a single stare and a few words. The lacy underwear you have been wearing was already soaked, sticking to your puffy lips as you tried to rub your thighs together before Sasuke dug his fingers in your skin, stilling you in place.

"You're so dirty," he laughs quietly, his chapped lips grazing the tip of your ear, before landing a small kiss right behind it, "Was that your plan all along? To bring a naive fool to our home, so I can fuck some brains into you? Remind you that you belong to me?"

The blissful state your mind was in was shattered to pieces as he reminded you about your date. Shit, he was right in front of the door! As if he somehow read your mind, just second later there was an urgent knock on the door.

"Hello? Anybody there?"

Your eyes widened and you tried to push your ex-husband's hand away from you, which made him only grip you tighter. His hips buckled against you and you bit your lip, holding back a groan.

"Tell him you are going to be a minute," Sasuke instructed against your ear, his lips slowly kissing their way down to your shoulder, "Don't send him away... yet."

There was a hint of darkness in his tone and this was your first sign that you should do anything but what he is telling you. As his hand slipped through the slit of your dress and between you thighs, however, you couldn't even form a single thought in your brain, let alone follow it.

"I will be a.. ah!... minute," you called out, your voice shaking as you felt your ex-husband dragging his fingers against your laced pussy, collecting the juices that were now freely flowing through the thin material, "I am just about to be... ready."

Sasuke couldn't help but smile triumphally not only at the fact that you did exactly what he told you, but that no matter how much you said you hated him and how many stunts you pulled against him, you could still crumble in his hand with him barely doing anything.

He grazed your soaked pussy, avoiding the bundle of nerves that you desperately tried to get him to touch by wriggling your hips left and right. It was laughable, really - you always talked back to him, you always liked to oppose... yet in moments like now, there was nothing but pathetic whimpers leaving your lips.

"Sasuke," you groaned in a hushed town, earing nothing but a low chuckle from your ex-husband. The pads of his ring and middle finger circled your entrance, his smirk becoming bigger as he could feel your soaked panties basically clutching to your lips now.

"What is it, my wife?" he dragged the last word down, his mouth latching against the sensitive skin on the side of your neck. Your head fell back against his shoulder, both of your hands now gripping his muscular forearm as he finally pushed your panties to the side. As he reached for your clit, gently rolling the little pearl against his thumb and forefinger, you let out a loud moan, unable to hold back anymore. Your knees buckled and you pressed your ass and back firmly against him, seeking any type of steadiness before you fall to the floor.

"What do you want, hm?" Sasuke muttered, his eyes moving back to the mirror so he could observe your fucked out expression - eyes shut tightly; glossy lips open in the prettiest 'o' shape; red colours spreading from your cheeks all down your neck... Fuck, you were a handful, but for this sight he was ready to take anything you threw his way - from insults to your poor attempts to make him jealous.

"Sasuke, you know what I want," you whined again, your head rolling against his shoulder till you found yourself face to face with him, "Just give it to me."

In any other situation he would've made you wait longer - after all you had been giving him nothing but headaches in the past few months. But as he looked down at you, his pretty wife, who was practically asking him to take her once again, to reclaim her as fully his... How could he say 'no'?

Spreading your glistering puffy lips apart, he collected some of your arousal, before roughly burying two fingers inside. You immediately fall forward, your hands gripping the sides of the mirror, as Sasuke immediately start pumping his digits in a rough pace. It's not hurtful - you are so wet, you are pretty sure you could even take his dick without any preparation - yet he couldn't mask the slight smugness he felt once he felt how tight you were. A clear sign you haven’t been with another man since him.

“Ah-Sas-..Sasuke!” you panted as his fingers brushed that one spongy spot inside of you that was making you see stars. The room was filled with your gasps and the slick sound of his hand rhythmically moving in and out of you, so loud that Sasuke was sure that the poor fool outside was hearing just as clearly.

As he felt the slight shiver of your thighs he roughly pulled his fingers out, before landing a loud slap on your quivering pussy. You gasped, your eyes immediately opening wide so you can glare at your ex-husband.

"Arrogant prick!" you thought as turned to face him but before you could say the words out loud, he wrapped his hand around your forearm before roughly pulling you toward the door.

"What are you doing?" you hissed, your eyes widening as your stumbled after him. You expected the jealousy, but making you open the door in the dishevelled state you were in was just cruel. Sasuke didn't answer, but just as you thought he would open the door and force you to face your poor date, he turned you around and slammed your back against it.

"Hello? Is everything okay in there?" your date's voice sounded and Sasuke couldn't help but roll his eyes. There is no way that idiot did not hear your whimpers of pleasure and especially the sound of your drenched pussy sucking your ex-husband's fingers in an out, why was he still here? He was either deaf or really, really ignorant.

Either way, Sasuke was determined to show him who you belong to. Or even better, he was determined to make you show him.

"Everything is fine... I will be a minute," you called out, your eyes focused on the mismatched ones of your lover - fuck, ex-lover.

Damn you, Sasuke Uchiha!

Deep down whatever consciousness you had left was quietly whispering that you should feel bad. That you actually genuinely liked the man on the other side of the door and, for once, you wanted to experience love. Real one, gentle... like the ones of all the other couples you keep seeing on the streets. Without the fighting, without the hatred, without the constant pain and hurt.

Yet as you stared at Sasuke, you felt yourself being consumed once again by the fire that has always burned between you. It was maddening and reckless to go back into the same cycle, the one that felt more like a battle rather than war.

"You are unbelievable!" you groaned quietly, your teeth gritting against each other, "Why can't you just let go? I don't want you anymore! I want something normal, something that doesn't hurt all the time!"

Sasuke's expression darkened and he narrowed his eyes while studying you. He remained silent for a minute and you thought that he may finally back off, but instead he stepped even closer, trapping you between his muscular chest and the door. His hand moved to cradle your jaw, while his head leaned forward.

"You can keep repeating the same lie over and over," he muttered, his lips barely brushing against yours, "But you know that is not who you are. It's not who we are."

A small sigh left past your lips and Sasuke used it as sign to close the little distance between you. You and him have been intimate thousands of times before, but your shared kisses can be counted on the fingers of your one hand. Maybe because kisses were usually saved for lovers, the one that shared the sweet and kind type of love, rather than the raw and brutal one you had between you. Or maybe they have always been too intimate, a confession that neither of you were ready to make till now.

Unlike other times this kiss was not just a peck or a battle of dominance. It was slow and deep, an act which was supposed to show everything that both of you couldn't put into words. As he licked your bottom lip, you opened your mouth to welcome his tongue in it - an opportunity which he eagerly took, pressing you harder against the door with his body. His hand roamed between your waist and your thighs, before he reached for your chest, grabbing one of your breasts and squeezing roughly.

"Ah, Sasuke!" you gasped your head falling back, as his lips moved down your neck, softly sucking and biting the sensitive skin there. While there was a certain roughness to his moves, he was still way gentler than usual, making you rub your thighs together in a weak attempt to get some friction. He must've saw that because a second later, he roughly pushed his own leg between yours, preventing you from getting any type of relief.

You opened your eyes just enough to send him a glare but closed them once again as you felt his fingers swiftly untying the top of your corset, before pulling your breasts out and pinching your left nipple. Sasuke could barely hold back a smirk, as you watched your back arch forward, seeking even closer contact with him.

As he moved down your body, placing damp kiss down your collarbone, chest and side of your breast, his hand found it's way under your dress once again. He started to draw small circles on your swollen clit, as his lips wrapped around your other nipple and before you could sink your teeth in your lip, you made the loudest, most pornographic moan both Sasuke and your date have ever heard.

A few moves were enough for your legs to start trembling once again, the knot from your previous denied orgasm forming once again at the pit of your stomach. You opened your eyelids as you looked down at Sasuke, who was still kissing, sucking and biting your breasts, leaving his marks all over the soft skin.

"Sasuke...," you mumbled, your hips buckling as he slipped two of his fingers inside, his thumb increasing its pace on your clit. Suddenly everything felt overwhelming - the image of your ex-husband in front of you, the sound of your date who was now eagerly knocking on the door behind you, mumbling something about how all the Uchihas can go to hell, the light above you which was suddenly shining brighter the closer you were getting to the edge.

"Come for me," Sasuke muttered against the plush skin of your boob, the harsh bite that followed enough to make the knot inside of you snap. Your fingers pulled his black locks earing a small hiss from him, finally freeing your chest from his lips.

He held you close to him as you slowly came back to your senses, your body limp in his arms. The knocking on the door behind you had stopped long ago, the memory of your date swearing and throwing the flowers he had brought against the window next to you now echoing at the back of your mind. Before you had the time to think about him, however, your ex-husband fell to his knees, his hand lifting one of your legs on his shoulder as he lifted your dress above your hips.

Sasuke had felt the lacy material under his fingers earlier, but as he was now looking at the type of underwear you had chosen to go out on a date with another man, he felt the earlier jealousy coming back to his chest. White lacy panties, which were now drenched with both your arousal and the juices from your release, with a white bow on the front... really?

"Were you planning to let him fuck you?", he asked annoyed, his forehead creasing as he glanced up at you. A bright red colour covered your cheeks, but you turned to the side, refusing to answer.

Were you? Sure, maybe the thought had crossed your mind and maybe this is exactly why you choose these panties. But deep down, you knew that even if you went on that date and let him bring you back to his house, you would've probably backed out in the last minute.

No one can handle you the way Sasuke can.

"Answer!" Sasuke snapped impatiently, his fingers pinching your swollen and oversensitive clit through your panties. You quickly shook your head, your hands burying themselves in his silky hair once again so you can pull his head away just enough to see his eyes.

"Of course not!" you said and Sasuke rolled his eyes, half-expecting for you to deny the truth anyway. If he wasn't face to face to your drenched cunt, the aroma of your juices fogging his mind with only one thought - that he needed to have you - he would've probably told you off. But even if he was one of the most powerful men on the planet, he was still just a man - and with this ethereal sight in front of hem, he could do no more than remain on his knees and worship you the way you deserved to be worshiped.

With one harsh move, your panties pooled down your ankles while your ex-husband buried his head between your legs. Sasuke always prided himself to be a man of self-control and discipline, yet the moment he got to taste you, he forgot any of that.

Heavy puffs of air mixed with loud moans, as he latched his slightly chapped lips on your clit, sucking harshly before lightly flicking the tip of his tongue against it. Your hands harshly gripped his hair, making an attempt to push him away from your oversensitive folds, which were met with a rough slap against the inside of your thight.

"Hold still, brat," he mumbled as his tongue buried itself inside of you, his nose rubbing against your shiny pearl. You wanted to snap at him, tell him he knows how much you hate when he calls you that, but your body could do nothing else than to buckle against his face, your eyelids shutting down so tightly, bursts of rainbow colours infiltrated your closed vision.

He could feel your walls tightening around his tongue, more of your sweet nectar flowing from your pussy as he hungrily drank everything you gave him. Sasuke was rarely so desperate and open, completely giving up control as he made a mess out of both of you.

"Sasuke, please-," you tried to beg, an usual softness filling your voice as you sought mercy from him. And while his pants were getting uncomfortably tight, he wanted to teach you a lesson, to show you that you are his and his only. You deserved no mercy.

Not after all your little stunts recently.

Sasuke could feel his tip leaking pre-cum just from all the sweet sounds you made, encouraging him to only start lapping at your puffy lips faster and faster, his fingers digging themselves into your soft thigh as you tried to pull away and push yourself closer at the same time.

"One more," he whispered into your pussy, his lips and chin dripping with your arousal, "I know you can give me one more."

You whimpered in response, your head falling back as he pulled a second orgasm out of you, slurping all of your juices without pulling away even for a second to breathe.

His erratic movements soon turned into sloppy licks as he cleaned you up, his tongue catching every single drop of your release. You twitched in his grasp, weakly pushing him away, the feeling of his mouth too much for your oversensitive pussy right now.

Sasuke slowly lowered your leg from his shoulder back on the ground, his arm tightly gripping the side of your hip as he tried to stabilize your quivering form.

"You came only twice and you are already shaking like a leaf," he noted with a smirk, before standing up back to his feet. Blinking a few times, you tried to ground yourself back to reality, before your arms found their way around his neck, leaning your full weight against him.

"Gosh, just shut up!" you mumbled, not wanting to break out from your euphoric state just to deal with the annoying ramblings of your ex-husband. He clicked his tongue, his hand moving to your lower back and pressing you flush against him.

For the first time in all the years you have known each other, you stood in each other's embrace without the weight of anger, hate or pride threatening to crush you. There was no shouting, no flying objects, no painful insults - just you, holding each other and silently admitting that neither of you wanted normal.

You craved chaos. You craved the intensity, the frustration, the pain, the longing.

You craved him.

Pulling back just enough to look at him, your eyes searches his mismatched ones for something - anger, hesitation, adoration, anything. You wanted... you didn't even know what you wanted either. Maybe some clarity, maybe a sign that it doesn't always have to be this messy, this hurtful and this complicated.

All you were met with was the same dark gaze that he always had when he laid his eyes on you. It was never loving or soft, not in the way that he was looking at your children, for example. With you they were always holding a storm of emotions behind them, one which you could never fully decipher.

Desire? Regret? Irritation? Admiration? Pride? Hate?

They were all there, clashing and mixing in such a way that you were never sure if he was looking at you like you were his biggest regret in life or like he couldn't bear the thought of you being anywhere else but by his side.

Hesitantly, you lifted yourself on your toes and pressed your lips against him. It was a gentle peck, unlike your kiss earlier. Sasuke stiffened for a moment, his eyes widening at the unexpected softness from you. Was this another one of your games? But before he could think more about it, you grabbed his hand and started to pull him back into the house and up the stairs to your bedroom.

Sasuke followed you almost instinctively, a certain cautiousness to his steps. He watched you open the door, before you gently pushed him in till the back of his knees hit the bed and he reluctantly sat down. His eyes twitched as you stood before his open legs, expertly undoing the rest of your corset before throwing it to the side. Your hands then slowly pushed the straps of your dress down, allowing it to fall down at your ankles, leaving you completely bare in front of him.

"What are you doing?" he asked sharply as he watched you climb up his lap. Despite his hostility, however, he didn't push you away. Instead his eyes bore into yours, studying you and trying to understand the underlying motive of your actions.

You were never this... soft. Not with him, anyway. Your sex life was a mirror of your relationship - urgent, rough, fast. You never made love - you fucked. It often felt like a battle of dominance, rather than a union between your bodies.

Now, however, you were taking your time. Your forehead gently pressed against his, as your hand started to slowly unbutton his shirt, before sliding it down his muscular shoulders. You have seen his body countless of times before, but this time it felt different. There was no other light other than the bright moonlight coming through the window, as you dragged your fingers across the numerous healed scars across his skin. It was such a stark contrast - the softness of your hands, ones that never even held a weapon, against the roughness of his body, one built for battles and war.

His breath hitched as he felt one of your hands slide down the shoulder of his missing arm and he involuntarily twitched away, almost as if he was trying to hide it away from you. His reaction was not surprising - he always tried to hide the imperfect parts of himself, his Rinnegan and his missing arm, either by using the solace of the darkness or by having you in such positions that your back would be facing his naked form.

In this moment there was nowhere to hide. And Sasuke wasn't sure he liked that.

"Don't," he said, his voice rough, "I swear, if this is one of your games-"

Another unexpected peck on his lips interrupted his train of thoughts as you continued your exploration of his body. It was weird not only for him, but also for you - he never let you in like that, not when he was completely exposed and vulnerable. It felt like you explored him for the first time, and in a way, you actually were. No walls, no layers of hate and tension between you.

"Shh...," you whispered, your breath ghosting across his skin, "I am not going to hurt you."

Sasuke wanted to scoff at your words. There was no reality or place in time where the two of you didn't hurt each other. Neither of you knew how to stop. Pain was part of who you were and as twisted as it was, it was at the core of your love for each other.

His muscles tensed as your hands slid down his abs and started to work on the strings of his pants. His hand instinctively shot out to catch your wrist, stopping your mid-way of unzipping his pants, as his breathing became heavier. He locked his eyes on you, searching for a sign, any sign that you were just playing him - either a small smirk or a mischievous spark in your eyes - yet there were none.

The look in your eyes was one of a lover, not an enemy.

Loosening his grip on your wrist, he watched you as you pulled his zipper down before he lifted his hips so you can slide down his pants. Your lips found their way to his neck, pressing soft kisses against his warm skin as you slowly trained downward. He let out a shaky breath as he felt you kissing his scars, spending extra time on the ones on his chest and abdomen before you slid down on your knees in front of him.

In the past, you have always refused to pleasure him orally. "It's something that only lovers do", you would say with a frown, drawing a clear boundaries of what you were willing to do in the bedroom. Sasuke never pushed for it, either - one thing about him is that no matter how dominant or controlling he was, he respected your wishes. As someone who wasn't particularly needy or with a high libido, he didn't care that much.

But as he watched you grab his rock hard cock in your hand, slowly rubbing your thumb across the tip and smearing the leaking pre-cum, he wondered if he actually didn't care or if he just never knew what he was missing. The sigh before him - his beautiful, defiant wife sitting on her knees and slowly pumping his dick, while placing soft kisses across his thighs - was one that has only appeared once or twice in his dreams before.

Your pace was slow, almost painful as you moved closer and closer to where he was needing you the most, your eyes shifting toward his face every few seconds in order to catch each one of his reactions. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed loudly, a pink colour covering his pale cheeks and neck. His eyes bore into yours, a barely addible moan leaving his lips once you finally wrap your lips around his pink mushroom tip.

Digging one of your hands in his thigh, you take more of him, slowly moving your head back and forth while coating his dick in a mix of your spit and his pre-cum. Sasuke groans once he feels him reaching the back of your throat and his hand instinctively goes to your head, gripping your ponytail as he tried to ground himself and not cum right then and there.

If there was heaven, this had to be it. And maybe he was there, because in what world would his ex-wife suck him off on an evening she was supposed to be out with someone else? You looked up at him through your lashes as you hollowed your cheeks, a new wave of pleasure washing over your body as you saw him closing his eyes.

"Fuck...," he breathed out, a thin layer of sweat starting to form on the top of his forehead, "My wife... just like that.."

His words only seemed to encourage you and you hummed around him, the vibrations making him buck his hips involuntarily. As you started to move faster, his grip on your hair tightened and your hand trailed down back between your legs where your pussy was clenching around nothing.

You pulled away slightly, twirling your tongue over his slit before sliding it down all the way down to his balls. You laid a few small kisses on each one, before taking his left one in your mouth and sucking harshly, earning yourself a sharp gasp from him. It was almost intoxicating, having so much power over a man, who had spend years trying to make you submit to him.

As you took his cock in your mouth again, you put even more effort in trying to bring him closer to the edge. Burying your face against his h pelvis, you flattened your tongue as you felt his head brushing at the back of your throat. Shiny tears started to roll down your cheeks and you gagged around his fat length, the need to pull away to take a breath burning your lungs, yet you didn't stop.

"Ah.. I'm.. close...," he breathed out and you could see his chest starting to move rapidly up and down, as his hold on your head tightened. Once you started to feel him pulsating, however, you pulled out with a loud 'pop', grinning once he gives you a nasty glare.

"What the actual fuck?" he snaps, his brain still foggy with the need to cum, "Are you serious?"

You only roll your eyes in response to your ex-husband's dramatic reaction, before you stood up and made your way back on top of him Resting your hands on his chest, you pushed him down till he was laying flat on his back and you hovered your dripping cunt over his pulsating cock.

Whatever other complaint he was ready to give quickly died in his throat as the moonlight exposed your full beauty in front of him - makeup smeared across your cheeks, fat tears still pooling at the corners of your eyes, pussy glistering in the juices of your own arousal. It was a messy sight - filthy, even - and a perfect representation of your love for each other.

"I need you inside of me," you gasp, your thighs trembling as you brush your swollen clit against his tip, "I need to -ah! I need to feel you!"

You didn't wait for a response as you grabbed his cock and the base and aligned it with your entrance, before slowly sinking in. Your eyes remained locked on his and almost in unison, a loud moan left both of your lips.

"Fuck..," you whimpered, your walls involuntarily tightening around Sasuke's dick as you adjusted to his length. His mouth and fingers could make you see stars, but nothing could even remotely compare to the feeling of having him inside of you. It felt like you were made for each other, his thickness stretching you out just enough for the pain to be pleasurable.

As you started to slowly move up and down, Sasuke gripped the side of your waist helping your keep a steady rhythm. His teeth sank in his bottom lip as his moved down and focused to where the two of you connected.

You let out a loud yelp when he suddenly landed a heavy slap on one of your plush ass cheeks, digging his fingers into its softness. He could feel your juices leaking all over his thighs, the sound of skin slapping against skin becoming louder as your moves become faster.

"Good girl," he muttered, his feet planting firmly on the bed so he can start thrusting up. He did try to entertain the idea of giving you control at least for one night, he really did, but fuck - how could he, when you looked so divine above him?

The new angle allowed for his cock to hit straight into that one sensitive spot inside you and you suddenly lost balance, collapsing on top of his chest as his hand moved toward the back of your head, keeping you down so he can hit that same spot over and over again.

"Sas-ah!" you whined, your nails digging into his hard chest, leaving angry red marks after themselves. Sasuke could only smirk, his heavy breath tickling the side of your face as he picked up the pace.

"What's wrong?" he teased, his hand yanking your head back by your hear so he can inspect your face, "Did you get tired already?"

Opening your eyes, you let out a few tears fall freely down your cheeks as you glared down at him. The mix of pleasure and pain was clouding your mind and you could do nothing but moan helplessly as he roughly fucked you, completely disregarding the sensual and gentle tone you tried to settle earlier.

As you started clenching around him, the first sign that you were approaching yet another orgasm, Sasuke swiftly turned you around, laying you under him as he hovered over you, the tip of his cock brushing against your entrance, yet not entering fully.

"Sasuke," you whined, trying to move yourself down so he can fill the burning emptiness inside of you, "C'mon, don't stop now!"

Sasuke only smirked at your words before grabbing his cock, sliding it up and down your pussy lips, before flicking your aching clit with his head. You let out a small moan, the oversensitivity causing your cunt to clench around nothing.

"Beg for it."

No amount of pleasure could cloud your mind enough for such words to slip by without your eyes immediately widening. Was he serious? As you watched him looking at you with that small annoying smile on his lips, you tried your best to avoid the aching need between your legs as you snorted loudly in response.

"I rather die needy and unsatisfied," you huffed, your brows furrowing as a small crease appeared in the middle of your sweaty forehead, "Than to beg my douchebag ex-husband to fuck me."

Your words seemed to humour him as he pushed the tip in, earning a small gasp from you before withdrawing again, his hand slowly pumping his cock as he watched you wriggling beneath him.

"What happened to "I am not going to hurt you"?" he tilted his head to the side, "I thought that included insults and your usual low blows as well."

You rolled your eyes, frustration mixing with annoyance as he continued to stroke himself in front of you, completely ignoring the fact you were dripping with need to be touched by him.

"Since when you are such a rambler?" you snapped, a loud huff escaping your lips as you started to lift yourself on your elbows, "If I knew you would waste my night like this, I would've just spend it with my date inste-"

Your sentence was cut off short as he suddenly wrapped his hand around your throat, pressing you back into the pillow as he entered you with one move. He was not gentle or careful - his dick slid all the way in, his heavy balls slapping against your ass as he dug his nails into your neck.

"Shut up!" he hissed, as his pace increased even more from before. Your legs dangled weakly around his hips, as you shut your eyes, the all familiar knot starting to form inside of your stomach once again. His pace was brutal, almost animalistic, as the headboard of the bed was hitting against the wall with a rhythmic thump! thump! thump!.

"You always have to open your big mouth, don't you?" he panted, his abs clenching as he adjusted his hips forward, practically folding your body under his weight, "I'm sick of your little games, I'm sick of your attitude... fuck, I'm so sick of you!"

Instead of taking insult, your jaw dopped in a silent scream as your back arched in pleasure. You could feel your orgasm coming closer and closer, as Sasuke was squishing your under his body, his pelvis rubbing against your pulsating clit. You could feel his pace becoming more erratic as he chased his own pleasure, his fingers still tightly wrapped around your throat.

"You are going to marry me again," he panted against your mouth as he pressed his forehead against yours, "And this time I won't let you go... Ever. Again."

Just like the first "proposal", this was more of a declaration rather than a question. And just like the last time you found yourself unable to defy him, as his words combined with the way you could feel each inch of him rubbing against your tight walls, was enough to send you over the edge.

A loud moan escaped your lips as your pussy leaked cum around his cock, forming a white circle at the base. His hips stuttered as he felt you clamp around him, ropes of thick cum filling your tight pussy till it started to overflow with his seed. He thrusted once, twice, making sure he had emptied fully inside of you before he collapsed on top of you, his face burying where your shoulder and neck meet.

You let out a sigh, your hands instinctively wrapping around him as you ran your fingers through his black hair. Slowly, his breath became steadier and his heart rate slower as both of you let the reality of what you just did settle. His last words rang in your head, as your eyes remained focused on the ceiling above you.

"It would never end, would it?" you whispered in a hushed tone, almost as if you were hesitant to break the silence between you two. Sasuke stilled, his head moving to the side so he can give you a questioning glance.

"This cycle that we are in... This constant push and pull, the hurt, the twisted love that we have for each other. "

You could feel his body tense at your last words, as he let them sink. Slowly, his hand let go of your throat, before he gently brushed a few hairs away from your sweaty forehead. His gaze softened as he adjusted his position so he can study your face, his eyes trailing down the messy streaks of makeup down your cheeks.

"No," he finally murmured, his voice quieter than usual, "Maybe it's not meant to end. Maybe that's just who we are."

"What? Broken?", you laughed dryly, turning your head to the side so your eyes meet. Sasuke's expression remained blank, as his hand moved down so he can take yours in his. He didn't answer but the way his jaw clenched and his eyes hardened were enough of confirmation. He didn't want to admit it out loud, but this is exactly who you were - two broken people who never learned to give or receive anything else other than raw and painful love.

"I do love you," he suddenly said, breaking the short silence that has settled between you, "But I only know one way to."

His confession hung between you as an open wound that both of you tried to cover for too long, causing a mix of relief and heartache to swirl inside your chest. His fingers brushed against your ring finger, where your wedding band once was, and you closed your eyes, silently accepting that no matter how hard you tried to escape, you were always pulled back.

Letting go of his hair, you reached toward the bedside cabinet before you pulled first drawer open, and you got a small velvet box out. Inside, your polished wedding band shined brightly, reflecting the moonlight as you pulled it out and slid it back on your finger. Sasuke's eyes carefully followed your movements, before he took your hand in his once again, his head falling against your chest as he inhaled your scent.

You had made many mistakes in your life. Ironically, the biggest one was not him.

Instead, it was the illusion that you could escape from him, or from what you had. You couldn't. And the truth is, deep inside, you didn't want to.

cc artwork: pinterest <3

[allforhee]

— 𝐈𝐓'𝐒 𝐀 𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐒! (ONESHOT) | LEE HEESEUNG

୨୧ pairing — secretary-general!lee heeseung x delegate!fem!reader

synopsis: decelis high's academic weapon, future valedictorian, model un prodigy especially in the crisis council, and top-notch secretary-general of the mun club, lee heeseung has it all. from earning constant "best delegate-s" left and right, no one dared to go against his stances in any debate. until a student like you transfers into decelis high. as a soon graduating senior, you were a newbie to press. but with your endless love for writing, you'd managed to steal the hearts of your peers. it was your first mun, and you didn't expect much. but when heeseung finds out about an article you've wrote about his arrogant performance in a recent committee session, he is set to strike you down.

୨୧ genre — kinda angsty but with happy ending, high school au, secgen/crisis delegate!heeseung x press delegate!reader, academic rivals to lovers, dumbasses in denial, a brief moment of rivals in public but lovers in secret, one sided rivalry

୨୧ warnings — a lot of model un terms (hope you guys can understand), cursing, hurt no comfort, heeseung highkey hates reader, reader is a bit feisty and could care less but she lowkey has parental issues, featuring all the other enhypen members, aespa's winter aka minjeong, txt's yeonjun and beomgyu, stray kids’ i.n, gidle's shuhua, and ive's wonyoung, one bed trope, forced proximity

୨୧ word count — 13.3k (not proofread, but will slowly edit/make changes to tiny minor mistakes found)

୨୧ author's note — dear readers, i'm back from a long overdue hiatus with a new layout and theme! this fic is long as HELL i didn't expect it to reach this long omg. i also changed up a couple details so it will be quite different from the teaser! i’m so sorry for the long overdue wait, senior year of high school has been so hectic, and i’ve been finally able to finish this so enjoy :) omg holy shit y’all are finally reading my full length fic i’ve been harboring since what? february?

𝐋𝐄𝐄 𝐇𝐄𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐔𝐍𝐆 had it all.

the walls of his room were littered with delegate lanyards from conferences across the globe, "best delegate" certificates framed all over his house (and a couple crumpled up inside his desk to fit the space), and a collection of trophies stood in every nook and cranny.

no one at decelis high dared to go against his stance. whenever it was, whether it was a moderated caucus or unmoderated, he'd always have his country or character's placard raised high, ready to speak, or leading whatever bloc was being formed.

there was no doubt that no one had ever beat him. it was no doubt that he was decelis high's mun club's secretary-general, and those who chose to go against him either got crushed in fear or knew when to step back.

even with his "best delegate" status, he wouldn't have gone far without his best mates, park jongseong, sim jaeyun, and park sunghoon.

park jongseong or jay, most known for his cold stares in the debate room, ready to make a delegate tremble, would always chair crisis. he was decelis high's deputy secretary-general alongside heeseung. and although being heeseung's best mate, he never favored him when it came to awarding. it's just that he was naturally talented.

sim jaeyun, known for his popular slogan around the school; "jake it till you make it!", was the strongest when it came to knowing what a country or character believed in. his research skills were like a pirate on the hunt for lost treasure, he had all the facts, the data, and the proof to back up any stance. whatever heeseung needed to know, jake already had his back.

and park sunghoon. even though he was the quiet one of the bunch, his position papers never ceased to appeal to any chair. even if he wasn't as strong in speaking out during committee sessions, his fingers were his weapon. the guys would always ask him why'd he chair press and not join in the heat with them, he'd always answer with "my words are stronger than my actions." where jay would always respond with "isn't that the other way around bud?"

the four were unstoppable when it came to model un. lee heeseung was unstoppable. he was. until you came along.

you were quiet at first. everyone just saw you as the new girl who transferred for her senior year. nobody cared. until decelis high's annual mun conference, which happened to take place a couple weeks after the first day of school.

students from all over the country gathered at decelis high once a year to join in on the fun. various councils were presented at decelis mun, from heeseung's favorite council, crisis, and multiple others like unhrc, who, unsc, disec, unicef, and your favorite, press.

without a doubt, you registered yourself for press, opting that you didn't have the guts to join any other council. you feared you'd tremble listening to another delegate question your stances and ideologies.

your parents would always encourage your writing. as a child, you loved to write little imaginary stories about your life as a princess. writing stories about the love you've seen in your parents, you were set to write a book. but when your mom passed away a few weeks before your senior year of high school, and your dad constantly traveling for work, you had resorted yourself to watching the news all summer long, spiking your interest in being a journalist, where all you had to do was report whatever was going on, spit out what had to be said, and done. you didn't need to think long and hard on what your character was supposed to do next to support the storyline, no opinions, no biases.

as you stepped into your assigned council's room, you felt a gush of wind. the nervousness had gotten to you more, seeing all the socially bright journalists with their laptops open and chatting amongst each other happily.

"hi! you're a new face! oh and you're cnn! me and you will be best buddies! bbc here!" a girl squeals, she has a bright smile and a oh-so friendly demeanor. no doubt a popular trait amongst the press council.

"minjeong! don't scare her off. we're so sorry, she sometimes comes off a bit too much to new people. i'm wonyoung, the co-chair for press." she introduces herself.

"oh, hello. i'm y/n. i just transferred to decelis this year. it's my first time at press." you smile. you lost all your socialite cheerfulness over the summer, but meeting minjeong and wonyoung felt like you've been recharged. "oh and i'm the journalist for cnn?"

the girls take a glance at your nametag, examining you, before wonyoung cuts, "first time? don't worry sweetheart, we'll tell you all about it! right hoonie?"

a tall figure walks up to the three of you, no doubt a intimidating face. "y/n right? i'm sunghoon, the chair for press." he asks.

"yes yes this is her! oh we've got to tell her all about press! first timer alert!" wonyoung beams, before entangling her hand with sunghoon's. there was no doubt that the two were a couple.

"ugh, okay you two cut it off! we're journalists, we gotta be professional!" minjeong argues, playfully slapping wonyoung's arm, causing her to let go of sunghoon's.

at first, you had no idea what you were stepping into. but when chair sunghoon welcomed you to press with his icy-blue eyes and quiet demeanor, the other journalists supporting each other when it came to writing their articles, you felt right at home.

it didn't feel like it, but two days of endless debates went on, countries arguing left and right, and articles written on the current hot topic. the tension was surely rising, and your fingers were tired.

you were glad it was all over.

at every post-conference social, before awards were handed out, the articles the journalists from press wrote would be released to the conference for the other delegates to read. besides their usual gossip box, the articles the press wrote were always the fuel to the fire.

one article stuck up to heeseung. it read; "secretary-general heeseung's love for crisis interferes chair jongseong's chairing process, now who's really chairing crisis?"

heeseung swore to himself that he's never seen a girl like you. so quiet yet so powerful in her writing. hearing rumors that you've only just recently transferred to decelis high. even sunghoon himself was surprised to meet a talented journalist like you, a first-timer at press.

"it was her first time?" heeseung protested, "i mean- she's so quiet and reserved, if she had been doing press for years, i wouldn't be surprised. but this is her first time?!"

"what do you mean she's quiet? look at hoon, he never says a word in comses, but look at him chairing press. and i would never mind you tagging along in crisis, you always give out good insights." jay interrupts his thoughts.

heeseung complains, "i understand that, but her innocent face says nothing to what she wrote about me!"

"her articles were critical. they were precise and to the point. there was never a single weak spot in her articles. i think she's gonna make a run for my position." sunghoon defends.

"it's just one article hee, it won't affect your entire track record anyways." jake compliments, giving him a pat on the back.

heeseung believed what jake said was true. he did have an outstanding track record. "best delegate"s here and there, one silly little article wouldn't ruin his entire reputation.

as the clock strikes seven, social night was slowly coming to a close. decelis high's third annual mun was coming to an end. all that was left was to hand out the awards.

heeseung made his secretary-general speech as usual, a couple thank you-s here and there, before he handed it over to the chairs to announce the awards.

as he was walking down the stage, he felt a couple stares from mostly the press council linger. fixing his tie, he shook it off before taking a seat in the front row.

awards were handed, from best position papers, verbal commendations, honorable mentions, most outstanding delegates, and of course, best delegates.

the press council was saved for last. sunghoon asked heeseung if he could be given more time to rethink his options for the awards, and as his best mate, he let him. in reality, sunghoon didn't need time to rethink his options. he and wonyoung knew who was going to win best journalist. sunghoon just wanted to save the best for last.

when heeseung hears sunghoon's announcement for best journalist, it clicks.

"and the press council's best journalist award goes to none other than... l/n y/n!"

cheers could be heard from across the conference room. minjeong practically jumping on you when they heard your name mentioned. you rushed to the stage with a red face and a still shocked reaction, receiving the certificate along with the medal. wonyoung gave you the biggest bear hug known to man, whilst sunghoon gave you a firm handshake.

you felt the cameras flashing at you, taking pictures from what felt like every single angle. unbeknownst to you, heeseung was glaring at you from the front row.

best journalist. best journalist? his mind was running all over the place. how could he? how could sunghoon, his best friend, let such a writer like you, who wrote a devious article about him, win best delegate?

a single glance at the other delegates of the press council only angered him more. amongst them were laughs and snickers. he swore he heard a journalist say; "looks like mister secgen is upseeet!" but decelis mun only happened once a year. he wouldn't have the need to care about you every other day.

or so he thought.

heeseung felt like you were everywhere. at every lunch break, you were always sitting across his and the boys' table, laughing at nonsense with yunjin and wonyoung. during free periods, you'd be at the library, hunched over your laptop or head deep in a book. and at mun club, you just had to be there.

he hated that you were gifted like him. he hated that his friends favored you. he hated that sunghoon would always send you to their rival school's muns to participate in their press councils. he hated that you always won. he hated that you were clouding his mind every single day.

you hadn't but uttered a single "thank you," to lee heeseung. as decelis high's secretary-general, you didn't think he'd care about you. you were just a writer. you had no strength in the debate field, no reason for lee heeseung to care. but why was he being so cold?

it started when you applied for the harvard model congress. you were ecstatic to find out you'd be attending the conference. obviously, you told minjeong and wonyoung all about it. even striking up small talk with sunghoon.

"that's amazing y/n. i mean, harvard model congress? that's big!" his tooth-rotting smile bringing a cheerful mood.

"you went from winning best journalist in schools across the state to varsity level in just a few months!" minjeong squeals, as she hugs you. you were really lucky to have such caring best friends.

laughing along in the mun club room, you could feel heeseung's glare from his desk. headphones on and focused onto his laptop screen, you felt a strange feeling resonating off of him.

heeseung was fuming. the entire club applied for harvard model congress. heeseung got in. his mates did. and of course, you also did.

it was supposed to be a three day long weekend with his mates full of debate, laughter, awards, and getting drunk on social nights. but no. you and your friends would be there too.

heeseung didn't understand why everyone was so trusting of you so easily.

even jay, was friendly with you. "well y/n, i think you're going to make a run for hee's job!"

wonyoung rolls her eyes at jay. "he should be scared. you've rose up through the ranks like jake's receeding hairline."

"hey! my hair is perfectly fine, thank you!" jake cuts, huffing at the ridiculous comment about his hair.

"yo hee! we gotta work out the letter to the school so we can get a few days off. come over here, you look like you're burning holes into your laptop!" jay chuckles, receiving a smack on the arm from jake.

a quick but surprising slam! from heeseung's laptop emitted a low echo throughout the room. followed by a ruffling of him throwing his decelis almameter over his shoulder, and another loud slam! of the mun club room's door. lee heeseung just stormed out.

"oof, what's got into him?" minjeong asks, her face contorting into an anxious look.

"i don't fucking know, he's been at it since decelis' annual mun. throwing temper tantrums left and right." jay sighs, concerned for his best friend.

"well i guess that temper is living up to my article." you suggest, letting out a huff and a subtle eyeroll.

sunghoon takes a deep breath before realization hits. "now that i think of it, he's been at it since you've joined our core team." while he points at you.

"what does that have to do with me? i didn't do shit. all i do is sit, join muns, write, and win awards for us. would he rather i'd be getting verbal commendations instead?" you sigh. you've done nothing but bring pride to decelis high's reputation.

wonyoung laughs, patting you on the back. "it's not about winning verbcom or bestdel, it's about heeseung finally finding his match."

"exactly! he's gone on and on about constantly winning at every mun. he's always complained about needing more of a challenge. and no shit he's been jealous of your achievements." minjeong pipes in.

"that's ridiculous. i don't understand crisis as much as he does, i'm just a journalist on the press council! he's basically just being an ass to me, that's all." you confessed, you and heeseung were basically on different levels. he was secgen and lover of crisis councils, whilst you were just one of the head journalists and co-editors of the press division.

"maybe he likes you? i don't know!" jake squeals, lifting his shoulders in question. jay and sunghoon gives him a slap on the shoulder each, a glaring stare between the three.

"no no, lee heeseung is a cold-hearted son of a bitch with an ego to feed every other day, there's no way he can feel shit." minjeong debates, a hint of anger in her voice.

"woah girl, what's got you mad? i get you two grew up together but that's a lot to say about heeseung." wonyoung asks her.

"i know it's a long story, but y/n deserves to know. right?" minjeong asks, waiting for you to nod to continue. "every single day of my life, i was my parents' star girl. i love my parents for supporting me. but ever since heeseung moved in next door, i was demoted from best girl in the neighborhood to second best to heeseung. ever since we were eight, heeseung didn't like to lose. to a boy he'd be a good sport. but when he lost to me in a mere storytelling competition, he'd throw a tantrum. that's heeseung to me. he's nothing but an egotistical ass who has to win everything."

you sigh, hearing minjeong’s words. "and you know what y/n?" she continues, "he's never lost it since we were 13. and you, y/n, have officially made him lose his mind. again."

this year's harvard model congress was held at seoul national university, the dream university of many korean students. the seven of you stayed at a hotel nearby, settling in.

sunghoon picks up the keycards at the check-in counter, "okay so there's three rooms in total, the girls are sharing, me and jake are in one room, which leaves heeseung and jay—"

"i'm sorry sir," the hotel staff interrupts him, "but the rooms are already divided by the hotel and cannot be changed. it says here, room 745 is for miss kim and miss yang, room 746 is for mister park, mister sim, and the other mister park— mister jongseong, and room 777 is for—"

"great. thank you. alright, let's settle in and get ready for opening night." heeseung sighs, grabbing his suitcase and your shared room's keycards before heading to the elevators. you gave the rest of the group a shaky smile before following heeseung.

the moment you two entered the lift, and as heeseung tapped the keycard and pressing the button for the seventh floor, you could feel the tension.

as the lift begins to move upwards, heeseung lets out a sigh. "look, l/n. we're sharing a room by casuality, so don't make it a big deal."

you huff shakily, "a big deal? you're the one who's been avoiding me all year! i barely disturb you and all i do is win awards for decelis. what else do you want from me?" your voice slowly getting angrier.

as heeseung opens his mouth to answer, the lift comes to a halt as its doors open, signaling that they've reached the seventh floor.

heeseung holds the lift doors open, so you can exit it with ease. you were surprised with this gesture. coming from him who could care less about your presence, you were baffled.

as you both reach at your hotel room, heeseung gave you one of the three keycards given before tapping his at the hotel room's door.

and as if your romance stories came to life, you spotted an oh-so familiar trope sitting in the middle of your hotel room. there was only one king-sized bed.

"shut the front door." you sighed, looking at the clear situation in front of you.

heeseung entered behind you, "i clearly have, what are you talking abou—"

"no dumbass, it was a metaphor. i'm talking about this." you exclaimed, pointing your finger at the bed.

"great. i'll call up room service and get this sorted—"

"no it's fine, it'll be too much of a hassle and social night is in two hours. besides, we're civil adults, and we're here for only two nights. we can bear 72 hours living through this stupid one bed trope."

"fine. just so you know i'm taking the left side."

heeseung dropped his bag near his side, as he was trying his best to keep his composure. sharing a room with you was bad enough (that's what he keeps telling himself), but a bed as well? he'd rather win verbal commendation than share a bed with you.

you were unpacking your necessities before you decided to break the ice. "heeseung just so you know—"

but before you could finish, heeseung was already out the door. before the door closed, you could hear a mere; "i'll go down for social night. you do you." and a click! of the door.

you scanned the room that was once filled with such tension, spotting your room keycard on the bedside table.

you took off your sweater and switched to something a bit classier for social night, changing to a blood red dress you had packed to match harvard's colors. minjeong and wonyoung had helped you choose it a couple days prior, the conversation reappearing in your mind.

"harvard's got nothing on you with that dress! watch out best journalist!" minjeong hypes you up as you're trying it on in the changing room.

"are you sure it's not a bit too much?" you questioned, feeling insecure in the dress.

"too much? my guess is heeseung would drop dead seeing you in that dress. after all, he is in love with you." wonyoung giggles, which earns her a slap on her arm from winter.

"just own it y/n. maybe layer it with a leather jacket if you get cold?" minjeong suggests. you look at yourself in the mirror once more. maybe this would be the turning point between you and heeseung's rivalry. maybe he'd look at you and decide that he no longer hated you and instead loved y— no. enough of those thoughts.

as you touched up your makeup from earlier this morning, you headed out to find wonyoung and minjeong waiting at the lobby.

"there you are— oh that dress looks, damn!" minjeong exclaims, covering her mouth with her hand to hide the utter shock.

"i just know heeseung's going to gape at that dre—" before wonyoung could finish her sentence, she earns a smack on her arm from minjeong. "ow minie! i don't want my arm to be black and blue at social night! which starts in... thirty minutes. we should get to campus and fill in our registrations so we're set."

opening night was a blast. harvard model congress knew how to throw a goddamn banger of a opening night.

there were so many things to see. a karaoke booth, a photobooth station, a merch station, even a snack booth filled to the brim with various snacks and drinks.

after receiving your lanyards and a couple papers where you'd find your assigned councils for the next day, you, wonyoung, and minjeong, were set to let lose one last time before you were head deep into your laptops, writing articles for the next three days.

entering the room littered with decorations and other delegates, you and the girls entered the ballroom hand in hand, in awe with the decor.

wonyoung spotted the boys immediately, already saving a table for the seven of you. the three of you walked to the table, which had name plates for all your names. wonyoung next to sunghoon, jay next to jake, minjeong on your right next to you, and heeseung on your left.

sitting at the assigned seats and listening to the opening remarks by harvard model congress' secretary-general, the food was served and you all dug in.

although this was only the first of two social nights, you and the girls had to make the best of it. from abusing the “free photobooths!” booth, and filling the room with echoes of musical ballads, your first night at harvard model congress was deemed memorable.

before you knew it, you were dragged to the back of the room, as wonyoung pulled out a small paper bag—which turns out to hold a couple bottles of liquor, you grabbed your glasses and started pouring.

you could see out of the corner of your eye—the girls downing shots of tequila (in secret, cause you didn't want to get caught), and the guys coming along to take a shot or two. but heeseung looked, tense.

jake slapped him on the back, giggling, “come on man, loosen up a bit! mun isn’t all about the awards and the roles, it’s about the memories!”

“and the friends we make along the way, am i right?” jay chimed in, with a teasing tone.

before you knew it, heeseung grabbed an entire bottle and downed what was equivalent to maybe 4 shots, wonyoung squealed, arguing the fact that it was a very expensive bottle of liquor.

“dude! that’s from my dad’s cabinet, it’s at least 500.000 won!” she argued, grabbing the bottle out of his hands.

as you tried to ignore his gaze, minjeong gave you your first shot—which you downed immediately, but it only made you feel like heeseung’s gaze was burning holes into you more.

heeseung sighed, “give me another one.” holding his hand out for someone to pour him a shot. “come on, i don’t got all day.” before sunghoon poured him another shot—which he downed immediately.

you hated the feeling of his stare. it felt, uncomfortable, but you liked it? the more he stared, the more you downed more shots. before you knew it, opening night came to a close, and you were stumbling your way down the hallway with wonyoung and minjeong, before finally finding your room. and in your drunken state, you passed out.

burning pain. your eyes couldn’t handle the bright light emitting from what seemed to be all around you. as you open your eyes, head spinning, you flopped back down onto your bed, exhausted, and with the hotel room ac, you felt frozen.

but as you get comfortable onto the bed once more, you feel a sense of warmth engulf your body. it felt welcoming. comfortable. maybe a bit too comfortable for your sake. but the warmth was soothing. it was, moving?

you shot back out of the bed, trying to rub your eyes to focus back onto the warmth, but that warmth pulled you back into its embrace. as if it needed you to survive.

as you try to recollect the events of last night, your usual 7am alarm rung. what a great way to ruin the moment.

a groan echoed from that warmth you once clung to, a familiar sound, a familiar… voice?

“l/n, what time is it?” it asked.

fuck.

"chill y/n, you'll be fine." you whisper to yourself, walking to your assigned council's room. from the rest of the journalists in your gang, you had been assigned to report on different councils. while wonyoung and winter were assigned to report on the ASEAN council, sunghoon to report on the UNHRC council, you were unfortunately assigned to the crisis council. just to your luck. your mind was still stuck in what happened this morning. you met your chairs, shuhua and beomgyu, role call was held, and your first committee session began.

while you were typing away a starting paragraph for an article, a bright face comes to greet you. "oh hello, l/n y/n right? i'm jungwon, the journalist for KBS! i sit right next to you in our council room."

"oh hello! i'm y/n, reporting for the new york times, it's nice to meet you." you smile, offering a hand out for him to shake, which he accepts.

"so, you got assigned to crisis too huh?" jungwon asks as you nod, "honestly it's one of the worse councils to report on because everything is moving... too fast." he sighs.

"i don't mind the speed, it gives me inspiration to write. but everyone has their capacities right?" you try to reason, whilst jungwon gives an agreeing nod.

not long after some small talk before you could enter crisis' council room, another boy tags along. his bright smile clearly infectious as you and jungwon couldn't help but smile at his bright appearance.

"annyeong! nice to meet you i'm sunoo!" he smiles, his blonde hair reflecting the lights in the room.

you shake his hand as a boy with blonde hair and black streaks tags along behind him before slapping the blonde’s arm, "i'm nishimura riki, you can call me riki. can’t believe i flew all the way from tokyo for this."

“yah! your writing is fine riki, your good shots will steal the show.” sunoo assures him, before looking back at you, and smiling.

riki sighs, before turning on his camera “i wanna get the redhead over there, heard he’s super good at mun or something..”

you blink as you realize riki was talking about none other than—heeseung.

"oh him? yeah he's my secgen." you tell him, the sentence floating out of your mouth. jungwon and sunoo turn to you with gaping mouths.

"wait- what? he's YOUR secgen? THE lee heeseung?" jungwon exclaims.

you furrow your eyebrows, "um, yeah? what's the big deal about him?"

sunoo's face lights up, as he prepares his words. "girl, he's the most highest ranking student in the high school mun circuit! his countless awards and times he's chaired makes him a legend. he's a literal model un weapon, even delegates with the veto powers are scared of him." he explains.

as you open your mouth to respond to his comment about heeseung, one of the chairs of the crisis council exits the room to greet you.

"ah hello journalists, you're here. i'm yeonjun, the head chair for crisis. we currently have unmod going on right now so you're just in time. we'll give you guys a couple opportunities to interview the delegates, but please be mindful." he explains.

you and the three boys smile back at him, before he opens the council room door and lets you in.

"delegates! i'd like to introduce to you all the journalists from the international press institute council, who will be observing our committee session. we have yang jungwon from KBS, kim sunoo from associated press, nishimura riki from NHK, and y/n l/n from the new york times. please treat them with the upmost respect.

a couple delegates say their greetings, and even explaining the current debate going on, as the four of you smile back at them. the crisis council was a popular council, and you can tell that from the amount of delegates in the room.

as you return your laptop back into your messenger bag and pulling out a notepad, a pen, and some sticky notes, you look back up only to lock eyes with heeseung. his gaze was deadly. you give him a slight smile, which he responds with an eyeroll.

the only thing you hated about being a journalist was the interviews. you needed to research, but having to interact with people you don't know? you'd rather kill yourself. it just happened that heeseung's stance was interesting enough for you to pass a post-it note to him, which he threw away.

so you were surprised to see him walk towards you during break, as you had thought he had rejected your interview offer.

"l/n, you wanted to interview me?" he'd asked you, no bad tone in his voice.

you looked at him surprised, kinda shocked, "umm, yeah? are you okay with that."

"i'm good. just, make it quick."

you open your notes to find your question you wanted to ask him, "um, do you mind if i record?" you asked, which he nodded. "okay, so as the delegate of colombia, what steps would you take to face the ongoing drug trade happening in your country? as a journalist, we have not seen you speak up much lately, so i'd like to know your thoughts."

"um, thank you for the interesting question, well i think—"

it was unlike him to treat you like this. unlikely for him to keep his cool. as you try to remember the words he was saying as you hold out your phone to record him, nothing was catching on. it was as if words went in one ear and out the other. 

he was so professional. the way he walks, and the way he talks—the way his lips move when he talks, the way he explains his stance—the way he’s saying the words—the way his lips move to pronounce it, oh and the way he-

“l/n? are you done? i’m wasting my precious break time here.” heeseung asks you, breaking you out of that trance.

you compose yourself, hitting the stop button on the voice recorder app, “oh yeah, sorry, i was thinking of another question to ask you—got carried away…”

heeseung rolls his eyes at you, before thanking you and scurrying away.

what had gotten into you? you’ve never seen heeseung in that way before. he’s always been just a secretary-general to you. who also happens to hate you. you think. 

but as the unmoderated caucus comes to a close, you return back to your council room, ready to write an article on heeseung’s stance. after all, you still had a day’s left worth of committee sessions, as well as a press conference held at the crisis council. 

the press council room was chiming with the clicks and clacks of keyboards, journalists writing articles left and right. you were in the middle of writing once again another filler article, as you had no idea what to write for your mandatory article. as you look through your gallery, observing pictures you took earlier for your articles, you can't help but notice heeseung in his element.

as you're typing a possible title for your mandatory article, you hear from beside you, "hey, what's going on with you and heeseung?" sunoo asks, as you turn to him in shock, as you were in the middle of writing an article.

you laughed nervously, "what? nothing's going on between us. he practically hates me." you sigh.

jungwon pulls his chair over to you, placing his laptop on your table in the process, "i don't think so. not from what i saw last night."

you gasped at what he said, "and what i saw this morning! i could practically feel the tension emitting off the two of you as you were interviewing him. i've never seen a man so intrigued before." riki chimes in.

"this morning? nothing happened, i was interviewing him on his stances and whatsoever for a possible article! that's all to it!" you defend yourself, trying to get back into your article.

"y/nie, sweetie, i've seen way too many kdramas to tell that the way he's looking at you, is a look of love~" sunoo teases, smiling as if he knew something more.

jungwon and riki laughes at your expression, which seemed to resemble a disgusting look, but underneath that, you felt a sting in your heart. not a bad sting, a good sting.

"but hey you two seemed pretty cozy last night, i wonder what that was for?" jungwon asked.

riki gasps, "hey i took a picture! wait let me find it..." as he pulled out his camera, going through the camera roll. "here! you guys were dancing together a lot, and he basically was carrying you back to your room. what, did you guys get drunk or something?"

you choked on your water, as the events of last night start piecing together. "i remember taking a couple shots, he did too, but all i remember after that is falling asleep on my bed... i assumed my friends helped me to get back but now that i think of it... they were pretty drunk too."

taking another closer look at the pictures riki happened to capture, you saw two beaming smiles, and from the looks of it, it looked like you two were having fun. you've never seen him smile this much, let alone around you. the other picture resembled like a married couple. it was as if heeseung was trying to pick you up, but by the looks of your drunken states, it wasn't really working.

"wouldn't it be really funny if you guys accidentally fucked or something? that would explain the tension!" jungwon jokes.

you shake your head, before putting your face in your hands, "no way, not in a million years. our tension is, well, our tension! it's what happens normally!" you try to defend.

"no you're right won, they totally fucked. i mean the floor you guys are on? most of the rooms have king or queen sized beds. what would you guys be doing other than that? snuggling into each other till the sunrise?" riki assumes, scoffing afterwards.

your eyes widened in shock, as if jungwon cut your brain opened and took out the events of what happened this morning. you put your head in your hands once more before beginning to cry.

riki saw your reaction, "hey i didn't mean it that way! i mean it's- um... great? if you fucked? but if not then that's like, totally okay! i mean sex isn't for everyone—"

sunoo cut him off, shooing him away, "stop making it worse, ki-yah! y/nie? will you tell us what happened?"

you sniffed, not knowing why you suddenly burst into tears, maybe it was the frustration? you grabbed a tissue to compose yourself, "i don't know... all i remember is i woke up this morning, in his arms, and i just jumped out and got ready. we didn't even talk about it. all of a sudden he's back to his old self and he's being mean to me again."

you take a deep breath, sunoo rubbing you on the back, trying to calm you down. "he's been like this ever since i transferred. i was just the new girl who was a press prodigy, that's what they called me back at decelis, and i don't know, he's hated me every since. no reason whatsoever. i've tried to win his attention by winning muns and stuff but, it doesn't matter. he looks at me as if i disappoint him."

jungwon and riki both comfort you as well, before jungwon has a strike of realization. "you know, it's not that i wanna stir up delusion in your mind, but it's quite common for guys to hate someone because they like them. what if he has a crush on you?"

riki realizes as well, "yeah what if? what if all this time he's been trying so hard to hate you because he actually likes you?"

hearing the words likes you come out of their mouths makes you shudder in fear. no way he likes you. right?

before you knew it, your chair returns to announce that press conferences are due to start soon. and up first? was the crisis council.

stepping foot into the crisis room, with the information in mind, you start to notice the tiny little characteristics that match with the fact. the fact that the lee heeseung might as well have a crush on you. as you, sunoo, and two other journalists were guided to the front of the room, your chair explaining to the crisis delegates how the press conference was going to work, before giving the floor to the journalists.

you keep your head hung, distracting yourself by re-reading the questions you’ve written on your notepad, peeking through your hair, trying to take a glimpse of heeseung.

heeseung was in his element as always, head deep in his laptop, a couple volunteers passing by to give him a post-it note, filled with scribbles of other delegates wishing to be on his side. but as per usual, his critical self crumples the notes and puts it aside to his pile of other crumpled notes.

sunoo, on your left, nudges you in the arm, trying to snap you out of it. the moment you lift your head to look at the delegates and compose yourself, you catch heeseung looking at you.

with your bloodshot eyes, your usual smile fading, heeseung can’t help but notice what happened. you were fine last break. your eyes which used to be sparkling with curiosity had been traded for puffy eyes and a fake smile.

he wanted to come up to you, wanted to ask what’s wrong. but as your chair introduced the journalists, he’d wonder if it was just an impulsive thought.

each journalist had to share 10 minutes worth of press conference time to ask questions, a tight amount of time. as the journalist on your far left begins, the clock begins to tick. being the last journalist to ask, you begin to feel worried.

but as the mic is passed to you, and mere two minutes left on the clock, you scramble to compose yourself and your questions. “this journalist would like to open the question to the floor, with the excessive drug trade impacting the economy of your countries, what is an effective solution you’d have to decrease the drug circulation, but at the same time, would not damage your economy?”

placards were raised, and amongst them, were heeseung’s. you could see the colombian flag on his placard raised high, but as the journalist of the new york times, your work came first. therefore, you chose someone else. “yes, delegate of the united states?”

the delegate of the united states stood up, and you finally saw the name on his nametag. yang jeongin. he smirked at you, sending a wink. “thank you madam journalist for the intriguing question, as the drug trade across our country begins to increase…”

as you held your hand forward holding your phone out to record his answer, continuing to talk for the next minute. it felt like a lifetime. but in the corner of your eye, you could feel his gaze burning holes. heeseung held his placard high, glaring dead straight at jeongin even if he was still speaking. but as you thank jeongin for his answer, you open the question once more to the floor.

you hear a screech of the chair as heeseung, the only one holding his placard up, stands up to answer. but you don’t discern anything he says. you just stare at him. before you knew it, the clock rang, signaling that time was up.

sunoo nudged your arm once more, trying to snap you out of it. “you okay?” he asked, worry written all over his face. you nodded to tell him you were okay.

as you were escorted out of the room to head to the hotel restaurant for lunch break, you couldn't help but feel the same feeling of heeseung's gaze at the back of your head. you ignored him, walking out with sunoo by your side.

but you were stopped briefly by someone, none other than the delegate of the united states. "hey, that was a very interesting question you asked earlier at press conference. i was wondering if you need my insight on anything? given as i'm usa and you're the new york times." jeongin suggests, his usual smirk returning from before. sunoo winked at you, before leaving the two of you alone in the hallway.

you blink at him, "oh! yeah, i was thinking about gaining insight from, well our country's side of the story. so what can you tell me?"

your notepad flips open along the click of your pen, ready to jot down his words, before out of the corner of your eye, that sharp gaze returns. the burning stare heeseung emitted was back. you gulped and let out a breath you didn't know you were holding. "hey, um jeongin? could we find somewhere a bit more quiet so i can record the interview? i need to make sure everything is clear because i need to submit the questions to my chairs."

jeongin smiled, "of course sweetheart, i know just the place." before he took your hand and led you away. unbeknownst to you, heeseung was fuming.

as the two of you walked away, heeseung couldn't help but wonder. what's so great about yang jeongin anyways? compared to himself, his track record was not all that. yeah he may have won most outstanding or honorable mention a couple times, but never best delegate. consecutively.

heeseung felt a tap on his shoulder, before briefly turning around. jay was standing there with a cup of coffee. he grabbed it out of his hands before immediately drinking out of it.

"that's! hot coffee..." jay protested. but to heeseung, his rage burned hotter. "what's got your panties in a twist?" jay asked, sipping his own cup of coffee.

"nothing, just pissed at a delegate. per usual." heeseung lied. as the two begun to make their way to restaurant to eat lunch.

jay chuckled, seeing his pissed face, "dude, i've known you for over eight years, you don't get pissed at a delegate for no reason. this is harvard model congress for god's sake, everyone here? they're basically professionals. mun legends. i wouldn't have afford this shit if i wasn't good at it. the awards and prizes helped fund this hobby."

heeseung sighed, "it's not just a delegate. it's someone else."

"it's y/n, isn't it?" heeseung snapped his head to glare at jay, as if he grew three heads. "chill dude, i can tell. you're painfully in love with her."

"no no no, you don't get it, she's a menace to my track record. do you remember back at decelis mun before she transferred? her article basically ruined my record the next five muns? i basically had to avoid chairing so the rumors wouldn't be deemed true." heeseung argued, reminiscing the times.

"but you'd argue she's a damn good writer, isn't she?" jay defended, "i mean no one from decelis has won consecutively aside from you. and she comes in to make the decelis name proud. aren't you glad? you're secgen after all. you're just in denial."

heeseung sighed, looking at his cup of coffee, once full, now empty. "i'm not in denial! i'm just stressed with a couple delegates in committee session, unmoderated caucus was, stressful."

entering the restaurant, their eyes landed to the corner booth, where you sat face to face with jeongin. jay turned his head to look at heeseung staring deadset at the two. "well, whatever floats your boat man, i'm gonna get some lunch. unsc might as well go to crisis next comses." jay pats him on the back, joining sunghoon, jake, wonyoung, and minjeong.

heeseung stood still. he couldn't help but wonder. is this what love feels like?

"so, yang jeongin, what can you tell me about the united states' stance on the current illegal drug trade? i assume that the country is fully aware of it happening?" you ask, pressing record on your voicenotes app.

jeongin looked around, before reaching over and pressing the stop recording button on your phone. before you could protest, "okay cut the crap, what's going on between you and lee heeseung?"

you looked at him strangely, not expecting the sudden confrontation. "well, nothing? i don't know what you want me to say, this isn't part of the interview."

jeongin dug into his food, "screw that shit, i wanna know why your secgen is all on my ass. i mean i looked at you once at comses earlier, and he looked at me like i lit an orphanage on fire."

you almost choked on your pasta, "what the hell, dude. he's just like that. he hates my guts so much he has to make me feel uncomfortable everywhere i go. i literally bring home decelis as many awards as he has in the past two years. i don't get him."

"nah, i don't think that's hate. he looked at me as if he was clyde and i was trying to steal away his bonnie. that's a look of love."

you sighed, "the thing is jeongin, he doesn't care. i've done everything to pique his attention, best journalist awards left and right, i was supposed to run for deputy secgen but he didn't let me. he said i wasn't a true decelis muner yet. i mean 8 muns in the span of a couple months? and i've never lost a single one? he probably hates me because i chose the lamest council."

jeongin swallows his food before he comes to realization, "hey weren't you the journalist who wrote on heeseung back at decelis' mun? i remember felix-hyung, my friend, that he went feral over it. he was chairing unicef, and in the chairs' room, he overheard heeseung talking about your article. how it was going to ruin his track record, or something."

"i mean, i do remember briefly. wonyoung, my chair, said i was allowed to write about the chairs or staff, even if they were filler articles. i wrote about heeseung and jay out of interest, i didn't know their history." you confessed, feeling quite bad about the outcome. "i didn't want my article to end up being gossip or shit talk, i just wrote what i wanted to."

"freedom of the press, am i right?" jeongin laughed, "speaking of the devil." signaling heeseung heading towards your table.

heeseung stood at your table. "yang. l/n." before scooting next to jeongin's side of the booth. you couldn't help but move your eyes between the two. after what sunoo and the boys told you earlier, and jeongin's confirmation that basically people could tell, you sit there in silence.

heeseung clears his throat, "well i'm not seeing much interviewing going on, delegates."

you scoffed at him, "it's none of your business heeseung. we're all delegates, it's lunch break. you don't have to boss around all the time."

"our decelis guidebook strictly confers to not confide in the enemy. and here you are, with the enemy. you know if you spill precious information regarding us we'd be dead?" he scolded you.

a laugh escaped your throat, "the enemy? jeongin is far from the enemy to me. matter of fact, heeseung, you've been more of an enemy to me rather than a secgen."

jeongin whispered, "keep it down y/n, it's okay."

you stood up in anger, "no it's not okay! i've been trying my hardest to do everything i can, i've won consecutively since my first mun at decelis, i've done everything you ask for. i've done nothing but make the decelis name proud, but i just can't happen to make you proud. what do i have to do next? i do everything and all i do is fall at second best. if you hate me so much then kick me off the goddamn team! wouldn't want me tarnishing your precious track record by having a traitor on the team, would you? all this over a stupid article i wrote months ago." you walk away from the table, returning to your room.

heeseung was speechless, the rest of the room was in awe, normally delegates would be able to stay professional. even if there was a break up or something. even wonyoung and minjeong looked at heeseung in anger, meanwhile jake, jay, and sunghoon looked at him in disappointment. jeongin stood up and left the booth, avoiding any more anger out of heeseung. "if i were you, i'd apologize. that girl has done nothing but try to please you and make you proud. start there." jeongin added before leaving.

out of habit, heeseung hung his head low in embarrassment. this was worse than the time you wrote that article about him. as he stood up to confide in the boys for advice, he spots a small leather notepad in the corner of the booth. it was yours. he'd have to find you, face you and give it back. it wouldn't hurt to read a bit of what's inside, right?

running back to your room, you couldn't dare return till next comses. the fact that an entire room full of delegates and chairs had heard you scream at heeseung's face. and returning back to the bed you woke up from this morning, limbs tangled with heeseung, didn't really help.

hiding your face in your bedsheets, tears flowing freely, you couldn't help but smell the familiar cologne he had left behind. the smell stung your nose, and made your eyes water more. the scent that once plagued you, now had lulled you to sleep.

a blurry facade appeared, the sound of heavy noise music remained muffled. your feet were cold on the hotel floor, destination? room 777. you were swaying side to side, but thankfully you were able to hold on to a pillar, which was moving with you.

"we shouldn't have drunk this much, right l/n? i'm not even sure i'm prepped for comses tomorrow morning." the pillar said.

"you have it easy, lee. you don't have to write 4 pieces worth of mandatory articles and observe other council's committee sessions." you replied, a clear slur in your voice.

it, who turned out to be heeseung, laughed, and it was like music to your ears. "i thought you journalists just copy-pasted shit off google or something, didn't get why you'd have to sit in the back of council rooms."

you scoffed at him, "well, as secretary-general, you should've known better. if only you noticed what i've been doing all this time to get your attention, maybe you would've understood."

"you think i haven't been paying attention? i've had my eyes on you ever since you wrote that silly article about me back at decelis mun. 'who's really chairing crisis?' you do know me and jay have been friends since primary, right?" he argued.

"that i know know, lee. the fact that you caused all the fuss over an article that was purely for mun, and had no ill intention is just stupid. i just wanted to be able to express myself." you confessed, feeling underestimated.

he sighed, pressing the up button on the lift, "it's not that i fussed over an article, it's that you wrote about me. i don't see many people brave enough to write about a secretary-general." before he could continue, the doors to the lift dinged and opened, allowing the two of you to walk in.

"i mean," he stuttered, clicking the number seven on the lift's buttons, "you amazed me. i've never met a person who could express themselves so much through their writing. no one paid attention to me enough to write such a critical piece about me."

you smiled at him, "so i'm special? i was the first to write about you, right?" he chuckled at your cheeky comment, "yes you're a first. i wouldn't mind if you kept writing about me."

"but why'd you hate me? i've done so much for decelis to make you proud, but you still have a way to butcher me. i just wanted to impress you." you'd sighed into his chest, the world beginning to spin.

luckily, heeseung had caught you before you fell, right on time as the lift reached the seventh floor. he basically carried you out, trying not to drop you.

"if i hated you so much, i wouldn't be helping you get back to our room, nor would i be making sure you get back safely." he assured you, holding you in his arms.

you groaned in protest, "but you do, don't you? i'm never enough for you, after everything i've done. all the things i did—"

you were shut up by his lips on yours. out of the blue, with no warning signs, he had kissed you. out of habit you kissed him back, lips molding against each other as if you had been waiting for years, as if you couldn't live without each other. all hatred you held against him dissipated. your arms crawling towards the back of his neck to pull him closer, his own pulling on your waist.

he pulled away to take a breath, but you couldn't breathe. he was your oxygen. you connected the two of you together, chasing his lips, his touch, his presence. it was the sweetness, the flavor of love and lust hanging. you’ve been craving his attention, hell, even his touch for months.

but your lungs craved oxygen, forcing you to pull away, hiding your face in his chest. as you were taking in the moment, he chuckled, "i wouldn't have done that if i hated you, would i?"

waking up with a jolt, the memories of last night came rushing in. you thanked yourself that the two of you hadn't fucked, but the idea of kissing him and liking it gave yourself insight. you wondered if heeseung remembered too.

opening your phone and seeing the time, you rushed out of your room as you were late to your next editorial meeting. it being the last committee session of the day, all you had to do was submit your mandatory articles of the day, and you'd be done. running back to your council room, knocking slightly on the door, you rushed back to your seat.

"journalist, you're late. why is that?" shuhua asked, beomgyu beside her, taking notes.

you sat down and composed yourself, "i'm sorry chairs, i slept in during break. it won't happen again."

the chairs nodded at you, letting it pass. the room discussed about how press conferences was, reminding the journalists of the upcoming deadline, but your mind was in the gutter.

you touch your lips, and you feel the lingering taste on your tongue. you were shocked out of your trance with the knocks of the chairs' gavel hitting the sound block. with only an hour left to finish your mandatory article, you begin to type.

social night was an mun tradition. after a full day of committee sessions, all councils, no matter what their council was, it gave a chance for all the delegates to mingle amongst each other.

free from the deadline of your first mandatory article, you had the whole night to party it out before tomorrow, where you had to finish your final mandatory article.

social nights usually had themes, and tonight, harvard model congress' was inspired by bridgerton, along with masquerade masks were in array. you had packed a a black dress, which belonged to your mother. she’d always tell you to save it for a special occasion, a moment you wouldn’t want to forget. and for tonight, as you miss your mom's touch, you wear your dress with pride.

walking to the venue, and right before you could even enter, you’re immediately greeted by wonyoung and minjeong. "oh my god sweets are you okay?" wonyoung asked, holding your face, clear worry in her eyes. "we heard and saw what happened at lunch, good for you to finally confront the bitch." minjeong commented, which earned her, once again, another slap on the arm by wonyoung.

you nodded at the two, holding their hands, "i'm fine, don't worry. i just needed to get it out of my system, that's all."

"to think of it, i haven't seen him since. normally when you pass by the crisis room, you'd hear his voice bouncing off the walls..." wonyoung confessed, "that's very unlike of him."

minjeong scoffs at her comment, "who cares? he's been downplaying y/n's achievements for the past couple months, i wouldn't be able to stay quiet if i were you."

you sighed at the two bickering in front of you, "guys, i just want tonight to be about us. this is harvard model congress for god's sake, i want to make the best out of it. so can we stop the heeseung talk and have some fun? please?"

the two nodded at your request, not pestering you any further. you all walk into the venue, being handed masquerade masks. the venue was decorated to the nines, and it felt like a ball straight out of bridgerton. the three of you were guided to your delegation table, which seated you, the girls, jake, and sunghoon. but heeseung? he was no where to be found.

"where's heeseung? it's not like him to miss out on social night." jake asked you.

you sat down on your assigned seat, and the seat on your right, which was supposed to occupy heeseung, was cold and empty. "why are you asking me? he hates me, remember?"

jake shrugged, "i don't know, i just reckoned that since the two of you are sharing a room, you'd know where he is."

minjeong scoffs, "who cares? y/n got ready at me and wony's room anyways, so no, we don't know where he is."

"jay said earlier today that he's been looking for him. wonder where he went. and if he found him..." sunghoon tells the table, sipping on his glass of water.

stuck in your trance, you were snapped out of it by a screeching of a chair, one, being jay, and the other was right next to you. heeseung. he was in his usual suit and tie, a couple buttons on the top were unbuttoned. you glanced at his tired eyes, hidden underneath the masquerade mask.

"dude? where've you been?" jake asked jay, slapping him on the shoulder.

jay sighed and drank a gulp of his water, "looking for this asshole over here." while pointing at heeseung, "took me a while to find him literally on the rooftop. i swear seoul uni has the most crazy hideouts. i'm not even sure i can even find my way back."

"how'd you find your way there anyways?" sunghoon asked heeseung.

he sighed, "don't know. just, found it." his demeanor slipping away as you begin to see the raw brokenness. you didn't hurt his ego that much, right?

as the clock struck seven, waiters all around the room began laying out the meals. you took a glimpse of the dinner courses in front of you, not really having an appetite for anything. but you still tried to eat, tried not to waste your food, tried to seem okay in front of him.

heeseung, on the other hand, was trying his best not to combust. sitting next to you was hard enough, but the fact you were wearing such a beautiful dress had him awestruck. he also lost his appetite. he couldn't help but stare at you.

after dinner, your friends stood up and ran over to the dance floor, and you were unfortunately dragged along. a remix of many famous hits were played, before you sang your hearts out to iris, by the goo goo dolls. you felt someone tap you on your shoulder, which to your surprise you see jeongin.

"could i have this dance?" he asked, hand out for you to grab, iris still playing in the background.

you nodded and grabbed his hand before you two danced foolishly to iris, heels discarded, his suit as well, just dancing your hearts out. but you had your limits, you were tired and excused yourself to grab some water. before you felt a nudge on your right, as heeseung leaned towards your ear. "can we talk later? don't say no just yet, just follow the green post its."

he walks away, as you look at him in confusion. feeling bad for what you said at lunch, you decide to meet him and see what he has to say.

following the pins of green post-its he left behind, you find yourself at the hidden rooftop jay was talking about at dinner. you open the door to be shocked at the view. the stars twinkling in the night sky. and stood there near the edge, was heeseung.

you broke the silence, clearing your throat, "you wanted to speak to me?"

heeseung looked at you and your dress, his mind going places. "yeah. i did. i'm not expecting an apology. i deserve it."

"but why'd you hate me so much, heeseung?" you whined at him, sick of his jokes.

"the thing is l/n, i don't!" he shouts, walking towards you, "it's not that i hate you, it's that i hate the way you make me feel. i hate the way you're so good at writing, i hate the way you win everything to make me proud, i hate the way you know my weaknesses, i hate the way you never gave up. you're on my mind every fucking day."

you walk up towards him, pulling his suit to pull him down, and him not expecting anything, you slap him across his face.

heeseung immediately pulled back, "ow! what was that for?"

"that was for not telling me about how you felt. you didn't have to bottle it up, you know?" you scoffed.

"and you didn't have to either!" he protested back, pulling out a familiar journal. your journal.

you grabbed it from his hands, "how'd you find this? i didn't even realize it was missing..."

heeseung sighed, "you know for a smart writer like you, you're very forgetful." a smile beginning to emerge.

"what did you read, heeseung? tell me." you asked, afraid that your secrets would spill out.

heeseung walked towards you, "enough to know that you're too stubborn to even tell me the truth. if you'd been feeling this way for months then you should have told me."

you gasped at him, "i would have told you about it if you weren't such a dick all the time? and then you kissing me last night just added more fuel to the fire." not realizing what you said, heeseung cupped your face, which was full of confusion.

"you remember last night?"

you blinked. "everything."

he laughed, "then you'd know i wouldn't hate you as much if i was doing this, would i?"

the familiar taste of his lips returned as he kissed you. you held onto his hands as he caressed your face. the oxygen you once craved had been fulfilled. you strung your arms around his neck, clinging onto him for dear life. you could feel the burst of sparks just surrounding the two of you, a moment you both craved.

the wavering facade between the two finally faded, unleashing the raw desire the two of you had, rushing through your veins.

you pulled away, heeseung leaning his forehead onto yours, before he gave you his best smile. you blushed out of nervousness and proximity the two of you held, not used to this view.

"you still hate me now?" you joked, smiling at him. his eyes softened, before he laughed, and kissing you once more, not wanting to let go. and as the stars glimmered under the night sky, you forgot time ever existed. forget the committee sessions due tomorrow, it was the two of you against the world.

surely, waking up on the final day of the conference would give you a sense of peace, right? wrong. you had spent so much time last night making out and talking with heeseung that you forgot your final mandatory article was due soon. waking up from the bed the two shared, limbs tangled once more, this time, you weren't ashamed.

you kissed heeseung's forehead to wake him up, and despite heeseung's wishes to stay in and make out some more, you declined and got ready.

"can't you just stay? a bit late to the first comses of the day won't hurt your awards." heeseung groaned, asking you to return.

"i was late at yesterday's comses post-lunch, so i think i'm going to be a good girl and come early to this one." you replied, fixing your tie.

heeseung basically stood up and tried to pull you back to bed, "come on, just be my good girl. i promise you will be awarded with all of my kisses in the world."

you shook your head, "missing out on a couple kisses won't be the death of me. come on, you need to prep for comses too."

heeseung moaned in complaint, "no, i'd break my streak for you, i don't care. i just want to stay in with you, away from everybody."

you were able to crawl your way out of his touch, "nope! i'm not letting you lose your streak just over me. come on, get ready. i'm going down for breakfast."

"can i at least have a goodbye kiss before you go?" he pouted, and the way his eyes resembled bambi, you gave in.

you tried to just give him a quick peck, but his touch was so fragile and welcoming, that if you didn't stand your ground, you'd probably be pinned down till the rest of the day. but you didn't want that, so you let go of his touch, assuring him that you'd spend more time with him after the conference.

now, here you were, back in your conference room with a giddy look on your face. you couldn't help but dream of last night. even sunoo, riki, jungwon, along with wonyoung, minjeong, and sunghoon, were even surprised to see you better all of a sudden.

"okay is this some weird process girls do the cope with sadness, cause if so how do we fix her?" sunoo asked, concerned.

wonyoung was staring at you like you were beaming, "it looks like pregnancy glow."

riki basically spit out his coffee, "wait so they actually fucked?"

minjeong snapped at riki, "who fucked?"

"we had speculation that, y/n and heeseung fucked the first night, hence why she was out of it the next day..." jungwon explained to the rest.

sunghoon, the only person out of the group who happened to know heeseung the best, commented that; "no there's no way he fucked her. if they fucked, they wouldn't have been here."

"could you stop speculating that me and heeseung fucked?" you snapped at the group. not out of anger, but annoyed that you couldn't concentrate.

"sorry, but did you?" riki enquired, earning him a riki! from the group around him. "what? i just wanna know."

you sighed, standing up and packing a couple things, "who cares if we fucked or not? just leave us alone." as you head out of the council room, heading to the crisis room for some final details.

contrary to how you first felt when you walked into the room, your heart felt full of hope. that this time, heeseung wouldn't be staring at you with hatred, instead of love. you hoped you wouldn't distract him.

as you walked into the council room, you nodded at chair yeonjun, before taking a seat at the prepared seats for the journalists. you sit down, open your laptop as you're typing your final mandatory article. you tried to glimpse towards heeseung, but you were returned with the same feeling as yesterday. the sharp gaze was back. maybe it's because he's in is element? mun is important to him... you thought, and busied yourself to writing your article. since it was your final committee session, you just had to submit your article and return for the closing editorial meeting. quickly clicking submit, and the chairs deeming the final committee session over, you wanted to sneak a quick kiss before returning for your meeting.

you stood up from your seat and walked towards heeseung. he stood up and saw you, walking your way. instead of being greeted by a hug or a kiss, he brushed past you to talk to his fellow delegates. you felt a pang in your chest, the way heeseung ignored you like that. you thought everything was okay. the kisses you shared, the conversations you had. you looked back at heeseung only to see him busy talking with the other delegates, barely sparing you a glance. you left the room quickly, not looking back.

unbeknownst to you, heeseung saw you leaving, his heart barely surviving after treating you like that. you deserved better than him. he couldn't have it all.

the final editorial meeting of press councils should be a joy to you. no more deadlines, no more press conferences. but you were stuck in your head. repeating the interaction over and over in your head, you didn't understand a single thing.

after the comments and input from both the chairs and the journalists, chair shuhua decided to pull out the gossip box. you'd been informed prior about the gossip box filling at social night, but since you ran off with heeseung to make out the night away, you didn't have time to fill it in.

as shuhua and beomgyu begin to read the entries, earning laughter all around the room, a certain entry snaps you out of your trance.

"oh this is a good one! new york times from press and colombia from crisis actually fit really good together! hope the enemies finally turn into lovers! wait is this about y/n and heeseung?" chair shuhua asks, causing the whole room to look at you.

you looked at everyone strangely, "what? there's nothing."

chair beomgyu shook his head, "no no no, i don't think there's nothing. come on spill the tea, something must've happened the past three days."

everybody was waiting on your response. waiting for you to tell everyone what happened. you just wanted them to shut up. "okay well. we kissed."

the group of six who were pestering you earlier, gasped loudly. earning you a rumble of no shit's, wait actually's, and a loud jinjja?!

you couldn't help but sink back into your seat, still upset about the way he treated you earlier. "yeah, but he's treating me like shit again today, so. that's that."

the entire room aww'ed in disappointment, before the chairs read out a couple more entries, and adjourns the final editorial. you stand up to clean your table, taking out a pen to begin signing each others' placards. signing everybody else's, photo sessions were in array, and after you were finally allowed to have some free time before awarding ceremony.

awarding ceremony was one of those moments where you have hope, but at the same time you don't. you start rethinking choices you made during the conference, wondering if you made the right option. you headed your way to where the press council was sat at, where you met a couple other delegates, even bumping into jeongin, wishing each other a good luck!

you sit down between wonyoung and minjeong, which earned you an endearing hug from the two, assuring your problems with heeseung didn't matter. stuck in your head, you didn't notice the boys' absence in the room. and awarding had begun. the secretary-general of harvard model congress came up and made their speech, thanking all the delegates for participating and giving their best. chairs from other councils begin to come up to give their awards.

meanwhile, outside of the room, was heeseung cornered by jay, jake, and sunghoon.

heeseung, not caught up with the situation, looked at the three with confusion. "what did i do?"

jay scoffed, "what did you do? you managed to fuck it up again? what did i tell you?!" shaking the life out of him.

heeseung shook his head in confusion, not knowing what to do, when sunghoon came up to him, "look man, your little feud with y/n has to stop. i don't get you anymore. i thought you'd be good at this after helping me and wonyoung get together..."

"nah dude you're in denial. what do you mean you two basically confessed to not hating each other and then made out a bunch of times, only for you to leave her and ignore her like so? that's crazy." jake protested. that was the truth.

"i don't know what to tell you, but me and jake have got to get back for unsc awarding, but please think about it? i know you feel scared of this whole love thing, but i assure you, it's okay to feel this way." jay says, leaving with jake, which left sunghoon with heeseung alone.

heeseung didn't know what to do. for the first time in his life, everything was out of his control. he craved you and needed you, but he felt like he didn't deserve you. it was as if a crisis was happening in his own mind.

as he hears the cheers of the room with every award that is given out, his heart races. he hears the announcement where jay and jake both won best delegates, which they had been double delegating in.

sunghoon kept trying to comfort heeseung, not knowing what to say to him. "look, i may not understand the way your mind works, but i assure you that you deserve her. you've put yourself through it all for decelis, and the track record that we have wouldn't have been what it is now if it wasn't for you. i don't know what plan you're cooking up, but whatever it is, win her back." heeseung looks at sunghoon with sheer nervousness in his eyes. "press and crisis are left, so whatever you want to do? do it now. before its too late."

leaving heeseung alone outside the room, sunghoon walks back in, returning to where the press journalists sat. he saw you picking on your nails out of habit, nervous for the next awards. as your chairs walk up to the podium, sunghoon just hopes heeseung would do something.

as names begin getting called out, sunoo winning best pre-conference video, then riki and jungwon winning verbal commendations, wonyoung and minjeong winning honorable mentions, you held on tight to the tiny string of hope left. it was probably between you and sunghoon left. as you look around the room, heeseung is still nowhere to be found. you had hoped that maybe with this win, you'd make him proud once and for all.

"the final two journalists were a tight match. these two shown impeccable talent in their articles and presence the past three days." shuhua announces. "it is with our great pleasure that the most outstanding journalist goes to, park sunghoon!"

wonyoung, who was on the stage prior, basically screams in joy. you high five sunghoon before he winks at you, knowing you'd win best journalist. but a part of you still thinks you won't.

beomgyu gives sunghoon his award, before adjusting his mic. "this final journalist has pure talent in her writing, and have awestruck the both of us with her work. without further ado, we would like to present that the best journalist award goes to none other than... l/n y/n!"

relief. that's all what washes towards you. yes you've heard your name and the words best journalist go along too often, but every time it happens, it always feels euphoric. as you walk up the stage to receive your award, earning smiles from the other awardees, you couldn't help but look to the crowd.

you see jay and jake basically jumping up and down in joy, but heeseung was still nowhere to be found. a pang of disappointment burns in your chest as you walk down the podium with your certificate in hand. an array of congratulations! are heard, as you sit back down for the final awarding. crisis.

zoning out, after feeling the euphoria of your win, your mind drifts off to heeseung. how would he feel? was he proud?

as chair yeonjun announces the awardees, you are cut out of your trance with every round of applause. you see jeongin win most outstanding, and you cheer for him.

as yeonjun clears his throat for the final award, he begins his speech. "this final award goes to a delegate who really deserves it all. although this mun may have not been his best run, he deserves so much more than the title: prodigy. i'd like to present this best delegate award to none other than... you know what? lee heeseung get up here, get your award, and get your girl!"

with pure shock, you watch as heeseung bursts through the doors, run up to the podium, quickly shake his chairs' hands, grabs his certificate, and runs down. and he's running to you.

he drops his certificate on the floor, before engulfing you in the biggest hug he's ever given in his life. spinning you around, you squeal in excitement. he whispers in your ear an array of i'm so proud of you's, before putting you down, and kissing you in front of everyone.

you cling onto him, parting your lips allowing him to kiss you deeper and deeper, and the feeling of sparks flying around you made it feel like it would last forever. your ears muffle all the cheers surrounding you, only focusing on heeseung, and heeseung only.

he puts you down and rests his forehead on yours, exactly like how he did on the rooftop the night before. "how'd you pull this off?" you ask him, still on cloud nine.

"eh, had some help from chair yeonjun. didn't expect the bestdel though." heeseung laughs, holding you by the waist, tighter, and tighter.

you held his face closer, wanting to feel his touch, "why'd you do that? why'd you run?"

"y/n. i love you. i never knew how to say it all this time, because it's a feeling unlike any other. to the point it made me feel as if my life was in crisis. but that's when i realized i never had it all. not until i found you."

taglist; @riekiss @sesameoil721 @desistay @capri-cuntz @beomluvrr @shawnyle @tya0 @heexoolio @sunghoonsgff @spiderhanzzz (crossed out = i can't tag you)

back to my masterlist?

disclaimer: this, in no way, reflects the idol. this is purely fiction.

© 𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐇𝐄𝐄, est. 2024 | do not plagiarize, modify, translate, or repost my works on any platforms.

[kaija-rayne-author]

Dragon Age, as a series, deserved so much better than Veilguard.

Spoilers for Veilguard and maybe other DA stuff.

Obligatory 'I'm not an asshole' disclaimer. Feel free to jump to the cut if you've read it.

Something came to my attention. I need to make it crystal clear that I utterly love the diversity in DAV. It's fantastic. I'm also a heavily left leaning, non-binary, queer as fuck reviewer, editor, and author.

I was on media blackout while I played DAV. Please be safe and take care of yourselves. Arguing with incels and white supremacists is completely pointless. They sea lion worse than an actual sea lion. Your mental health is important.

Though, every single time the anti-queer brigade comes out for a new DA game, I sit there thinking 'have you bozos ever played any DA game, like, ever?' My guess is nope.

Note. None of my writing on DA, but especially DAV, is edited. This is just my off the cuff writing. I don't have the time, energy, or heart to edit them properly.

The Solavellan romance deserved a much better end than 'die and go to fade prison'. I agree that Inky would likely be happy to leave. She's as traumatized as Solas for having to lead when she didn't want to. But I needed more than a craptastic Romeo and Juliet ending.

I refuse to do the heavy lifting for the writers. If it wasn't shown in the game or in supplementary materials, it didn't happen. Showing us the story was the writers' and devs job, not mine.

I mourn what will never be, even as I work on a Solavellan fix it fic.

How could they betray the IP so badly?

How could they betray their fanbase so badly? The fanbase that kept hope for that game alive for 10 years. I've seen so many people saying they've lost their interest or passion for the entirety of Dragon age. That they're not even remotely interested in another game because absolutely none of the choices we made in previous games matters anymore. They've wiped everything clean... or blighted it anyway. (I have absolutely no interest in another DA game. Not with Epler/Busche/Weekes involved. And whoever designed that ridiculous fighting system.)

The only way I could possibly be interested in another game would be if they loudly decanonized DAV, gave us a DLC (they've already confirmed there will be no DLC) that showed us Solas and Inky happy and not in a horrible place. One that showed us that somehow, something changed for the elves.

But that's so unlikely it's laughable.

The elves deserved a better ending. Are the survivors still enslaved or living in alienages? What actually changed for the elves except the largest portion of the Dalish being dead from blight? (That’s a real elvish win, isn't it?)

I'm a stubborn person. I refuse to let Epler's 'hate-revenge on Solas fan fic' ruin something I've loved for years. I still have the first 3 games. I'll make an actual happy ending and a decent romance for Rook in my fic.

And by the fact they paid a fortune to big gaming magazines while denying game keys to bigger honest reviewers... they knew.

They knew gamers wouldn't like it and tried to blow so much smoke up our asses with the interviews and AMAs.

How do they even sleep at night?

I'm a creative too, I write, do graphic design, digital (learning) and traditional (good) art.

My stories are important to me. They deserve not only an ending, but an ending that respects the characters, lore, and world that I've created.

My readers deserve that, too.

I, as the creator of my stories, deserve a decent, respectful ending.

Dragon age deserved it, too. A good, well thought out, and well written ending to the story of the Dreadwolf storyline, which, if you're paying attention, is intertwined through all 3 games. It's not just in Inquisition. One that made sense to the collected Lore, his struggles and mistakes, his literary role as an anti-hero.

I would never be able to do what they've done to a beloved series. I could never knowingly mislead fans like they did.

It's just a really painful reminder that beloved stories can be utterly destroyed in the wrong hands. And a reminder that there's so much talent and skill in Fan fic.

Busche worked on the Sims. No wonder the companions often feel as interesting as wet cardboard. Most Sims NPCs do, too. (I actually enjoy the Sims, but the NPCs aren't why I like it.)

And she had the gall to blame 'culture wars' and 'identity politics' for why the game is tanking. Rather than take ownership of the incredibly bad calls made for DAV.

It's just gross. I wish I could stop thinking about it. But Dragon Age got me through some tough times. It means a lot to me.

And it just deserved better. So did we.

[oph3liatlou]

Heyy,

I‘d love to request a Haymitch x reader fic! Just something wholesome. Some bullet points for the context:

-age gap

-she falls first he falls harder

-enemies to friends with benefits to lovers

-maybe a tiny bit of spice

The rest is totally up to you!!!

— PAST EMOTIONS

@mariechristine00

pairing(s) - soft!haymitch x recovering!fem reader

word count - 801

warnings - mentions of sex (past tense), light bickering, age gap (haymitch is 42 & reader is 27), implied situations.

proofread? - yes.

note from author - why did his flirting make me giggle 🤭 ???

summary - you were rescued from the capitol along with other victors - haymitch is your first visitor and you're happy to see him.

“You don’t happen to have any alcohol on you, do you?” Haymitch asked. He was your very first visitor since you had been brought to District 13 - along with Peeta, Johanna, and Annie. You considered Haymitch as a friend, of sorts…though you two didn’t get along when you first met.

I smile gently when you saw Haymitch was your first visitor. you were definitely happy to see a friendly face. “You think I’d be able to smuggle something like that in?”

“You’d be surprised.” He said, in a matter-of-fact tone. “How’d your visit with Coin go?” He asked, now stepping into your room.

“Haven’t gone yet.” You shook your head. “She thought I’d be in the same shape as Peeta.” And this was true, Coin had said that you should get your rest.

Haymitch seemed to find your words amusing, chuckling slightly before sitting in a nearby chair. "How are you feeling?" He asked, in a much kinder tone than that of how he spoke to you before. He didn't seem like the type to care about other victors' welfare - but he was much more attentive to you since your rescue.

This out-of-character nature seemed to confuse you when you pointed that out to him. "Since when have you started being so nice?"

He shrugged, raising an eyebrow as if he just found your question amusing. "You're not in a condition to be picking fights, are you?"

You scoffed. You two always had this banter going on with eachother but - the tension was released the few times you had slept together.

His grey-blue eyes met yours. "Besides..." He continued. "I've always been nice. To you."

You chuckled at his comment. "No, you haven't. We hated eachother when we first met."

His smirk grew at the mention of your first meeting. He looked as if he had remembered something that amused him greatly - though he kept it to himself. "Maybe, but even then...couldn't deny the chemistry, could we?" He asked.

You gave him a side glance with a soft chuckle. "I wanted to smack you in the face the first time we met - if you wanna call that chemistry..."

"And I would've loved every second of it," He said, his smirk growing. "You have to admit, the physical tension..." He trailed off, hoping you'd finish the sentence.

You smiled looking up from your eyebrows. You had been tracing designs on the blankets of your rather uncomfortable - recovery bed. "I know." You mumbled like a child would have.

"And the times - when we acted on it..." He let his sentence linger again, trying to get you to look over at him - which you eventually did. The playful smile on his expression seemed to indicate that he really did remember - quite clearly - the intimate times you two had spent together.

You met his eyes again and shook your head gently. This wasn't something you wanted to talk about now - especially since boundaries had been set beforehand.

"C'mon. You're telling me you don't remember? I certainly do..." He teased, getting up from his chair and sitting beside you on your bed. "We might've decided not to take it any further, but we both enjoyed every second of it, didn't we?"

You found yourself sighing. "Maybe we should've taken it further." You realized why you had agreed with him on the initial arrangement - you knew there was a chance that you could've been killed since you were helping the rebels. But now you were safe and recovering in the underground of District 13.

His smile grew again at this - it seemed that he had been secretly hoping the same thing this entire time. "I couldn't agree more." He admitted, wrapping his arm around you and pulling you into a small side hug. "It's not too late..." He murmured, brushing your hair off your cheek and leaning closer to you.

You looked at him softly. "I'm not too young for you?" You joked gently. You were much younger than him, maybe by 15 years or so.

Haymitch smirked in response to your question. He mimicked your joking tone. "I think you're old enough to make your own decisions. Wouldn't you?" He whispered, his voice tinged with arousal as he moved his head closer to yours. His warm breath lightly brushed against the side of your face - as a chill seemed to travel up your spine.

You nodded with a gentle smile. "The age difference doesn't bother me..."

His lips met yours softly, before he pulled you even closer to him. You felt his warm body pressed against yours as his hand started to softly caress you hair. He broke away from the kiss with a soft laugh. "God, I've missed you."

You smirked gently. "Show me how much you've missed me-" You paused. "I'll close the door."

read my merged works here!

[ftm-hotch]

thinking about how haley and hotch really were great together but the fandom fundamentally misunderstands their relationship because of misogyny

this is my white whale. I believe the tiktok girlies call it a "roman empire." I am Haley Hotchner's defense lawyer, and I work pro bono.

I started to draft this in my head and then I realized you know what I hate? I hate it when I'm in my own little corner of fandom and someone comes in from another corner and makes baseless accusations. So while I will be engaging in some counter-bashing, it will not be baseless, because for you, dear mutual, I have entered the belly of the beast.

Let's get into it, and then into what we actually see from Haley in the show.

Note: I'm going to stay in my lane here, my lane being ao3. It's been five years since I was what I would consider active enough on Criminal Minds tumblr to give an accurate report from the front lines, so I won't try.

So first of all, there are only 22 works. Not a lot to work with, but taking a look at the most commonly occurring tags within this one, we see:

Dr. Spencer Reid appears more in the "Not Haley Hotchner Friendly" tag than Haley Hotchner herself. 22% more, in fact (81% to 59%, Haley appears in roughly half of the works in a tag that has her name in it). Not looking good on the "erasing women" front. Haley isn't even present in a lot of these fics to show her side of the story, and she's often shunted aside in favor of Hotch/Reid. Nothing wrong with Hotch/Reid at all btw! But when a woman is consistently sidelined and demonized to make room for a man, there's a problem with how the fandom as a whole is thinking about women.

And sure enough, that's what's happening. Haley is serving as Hotch's tragic backstory in a lot of these fics, and not in the way she does in canon. In a perfect world, I would skim these fics and find out exactly how many this trope occurs in, but one of them is 10k words of omegaverse and it's two in the morning. I can tell you anecdotally, though, that it's a lot, and that the theme continues outside of fics explicitly tagged "Not Haley Hotchner Friendly."

The "Additional Tags" section doesn't show me much, which isn't surprising considering there are only 22 fics.

Now on to the content of the fics. Like I said, I didn't read or even skim every single one of these, but I did pull two that I consider representative of the two dominant strains of Haley hate: cheating and abuse.

Note: one of these fics is what I would consider an outlier. It's a fic depicting Haley sexually assaulting Hotch in a very dubcon way, and having read it, I would consider it more like a huge departure from canon than a misogynistic misreading of Haley's character. The author wasn't concerned with Haley and Hotch's canon relationship, but rather with themes of sexual coercion. That's not the kind of Haley bashing I'm talking about. I'm talking about misogynistic interpretations of canon.

Cheating:

Ah, the trope of the cheating bitch. Yes, it is implied that Haley was cheating in canon (I'm 99% sure it was in 3.02 where they had the hang-up call to the house and then Haley's phone started ringing). So if she's canonically a cheater, where the hell am I going with this?

Well, context is important. I am of the opinion that Haley's subplot was a (clumsy) commentary on gender roles and female dissatisfaction. Haley was not getting what she needed or wanted from Hotch. I am absolutely not condoning cheating under these circumstances, but narratively, the function that her cheating was serving was as a commentary on female dissatisfaction, and I think overlooking that is a bit misogynistic and unfair. Just as Hotch had his reasons for doing what he was doing, Haley had hers. And again, Haley is often absent from these stories, just like she was in the overwhelming majority of canon.

And then there are the outright misogynistic takes on the whole thing:

"Cheating Aaron Hotchner" is paired with "Aaron Hotchner Needs a Hug." "Cheating Haley Hotchner" is paired with "Not Haley Hotchner Friendly." Hotch is assumed to have complex and emotionally charged reasons behind his cheating. Haley is assumed to be a bitch. Again, any narrative about female dissatisfaction, anything that would give Haley a sense of interiority and well-roundedness, is ignored in favor of Hotch angst.

That brings me to an important point. The discerning reader doth protest: "Mikey! Just because the fic is tagged 'Not Haley Hotchner Friendly' doesn't mean the author hates Haley! It just means the narrative isn't friendly to her, which could be for a variety of reasons, including that Hotch's POV is inherently skewed. After all, didn't you just write a few fics from the POV of a narrator you disagree with?" And to that I say, fair point! But. But. A few things are relevant here. One is that Hotch is just not that unreliable about Haley. He gets frustrated with her, but let's not forget "what I want, I'm not gonna get" (3.14). Hotch loves Haley, and consistently expresses his desire to go back to her. A Hotch who thinks badly of Haley is not a canon-accurate Hotch, and I think reading that into him shows bias on behalf of the author. Another relevant thing is that in reality, a lot of these authors ARE using the tag both to express the narrative's dislike of AND their own dislike of Haley. A third thing: we aren't just talking about individual conscious intent here; we're talking about fandom trends. Haley is not the first female character to go through this. There's more to this, on both sides of the coin, but it's still 2am and my head hurts now.

Abuse:

Now, here, I'm going to lay down a ground rule, and that rule is that whatever you accuse me of, I will not tolerate being accused of denying the reality that women can be abusive. I've been assaulted and abused by women and AFAB people. Don't even try me.

Back to my case studies. For this, I'm going to quote from a fic in the "Not Haley Hotchner Friendly" tag to show that portrayals of Haley as abusive are misreadings of canon.

Spencer didn’t press further, waiting for Aaron to continue. “We fought a lot…on the bad days”, he murmured, looking back down at his knees. “She never understood this - our- job. [...]"

Nah. Haley very much understood Hotch's job, and Hotch knew that. In 5.09, when Rossi asks if Hotch has told Haley yet that he's going back to the BAU, Hotch says he doesn't have to and that she already knows. Haley understood the demands of the job, and what it meant to him. She understood it well enough to put up with it for a long time, even though it put a hell of a lot of stress on her.

This quote also shows a willingness to overlook Haley's side of the story. In canon, as much as it could possibly be said that Haley misunderstands the job, Hotch misunderstands her stress even more. She's essentially a single parent, by Hotch's own 5.09 admission. Once, Hotch forgot a hospital visit for what sounded like a pretty serious condition Jack had as a baby.

“Haley said I wasn't prioritizing our family. Me ”, Aaron chuckled self deprecatingly.

I love Hotch with my whole heart. I really do. But in the early seasons, he consistently made choices that showed he prioritized his work over his family, and was even willing to be pretty cruel about it (the 3.02 fight where he uses the horror of the case as leverage in an argument).

"But wait! Mikey! Remember your own note about extreme canon divergence???? What if that's what this is?" Even if it is, this writing betrays subconscious misogyny. Haley is being used as a tool to create Hotch angst instead of being considered as a well-rounded character. She's being sidelined in favor of men, and the choice to use her as Hotch's abuser when the prompt this fic was based on mentioned nothing about her is in itself a misogynistic rewriting of what was actually going on in canon.

I'm tired now but I rest my case.

[bjornswoman]

Nemesis's wish

Author's note: Hello everyone! I'm back with this fic which is my favorite so far. It was supposed to be shorter but eventually it couldn't, so this isn't the end about these two characters. This fic is the first of a trilogy (hopefully). Anyway, thank you for your support and till next time stay safe and have fun.

Pairing: Ubbe x Reader.

Genre: Mini!series, drama, angst, slight romance.

Summary: You were forced to marry a man you despise.

Warnings: Mentions of cheating and pregnancy, mentions of divorce, jealousy and strong language.

My enemy and me masterlist |

Life had always been a challenge for you. And your wedding couldn't be any different. The worst part of it was that your husband, the man you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with, was horrible and you hated him.

Well, horrible wasn't a word people would use to describe Ubbe Ragnarsson. They preferred to call him loyal, reasonable, honorable and names like these, but for you he was horrible. A man you were forced to waste your life on his bloody side.

Your relationship was almost non-existent. Ubbe tried to have a deal with you or even approach you somehow but you wanted nothing with him. So he was never around the house.

You knew that he had affairs with other women, something that he had never admitted. It worked for you until you were with child. His child. It was a miracle that it happened. You almost couldn't believe it but it was the truth. After all, people were talking about you two and this child came to end the rumors around your marriage.

You hated Ubbe but you loved more than anything and anyone in the world your son. He was blonde and his eyes had the same blue as his father's. He resembled him a lot but you didn't care. Your baby was so peaceful, unlike his father and his brothers who were always too loud.

Thankfully for you, most of the year he was not around the town, because he was raiding in the spring and was back in the winter. The unlucky part was that winter was approaching and that meant that Ubbe would be back within some days.

It was like your son had notice your moody self all these days and he was upset as well. He would cry all time and he wouldn't sleep easily, like usual.

Your hands were wrapped around the toddler and you brought him on your lap trying to calm him down.

"Come on baby. Relax please. Just do it for mummy please." You muttered to your son as you tried to calm him down. You stood up from the bed, walking through the room holding the baby on your hands.

You didn't understand that somebody was watching as you were whispering to your son his lullaby. The one you sang every night. The one which could only calm him down, but lately even this specific one couldn't work on him.

"Here, give him to me. He will be delighted when he will see me." Said the guy coming out of the shadows, scaring you so much that you clenched the poor baby on your breasts. You turned your face and saw the person you didn't want to see at all.

Ubbe was standing next to you waiting to have his son. You wouldn't let him lay a hand on him, but you did when you saw the little boy smiling at the sight of his father.

"I thought you wouldn't be back until next week. You came quite early." You were saying as you were placing the boy on his hands. When the baby was on his hands, you took some steps away and placed your hands in front of your chest.

Ubbe's blue eyes were on his son smiling and playing with him. When you finished talking, his eyes left the baby who was almost sleeping on the hands of his father and turned to you. Eyes as blue as you had never seen them before, as beautiful as never before. Or you had never noticed them like that before.

A smirk formed on his face before he started his own words.

"Much to your displeasure, we managed to raid the Christian cities in less time and we decided to come back before the first snowflakes fall." He replied to you and left the sleepy baby on its crandle. The direction of his face returned to you and he placed his hands before his chest, as you did before. You were looking at each other for some seconds without talking, but Ubbe was the one to break the silence. "I didn't think that you would be here when I'd be back home. I was expecting you to take the boy and disappear." His voice was softer than before. Probably because the little boy was sleeping peacefully inside the crandle.

You chuckled when you heard him talking. You were asking that same thing to yourself. You could do that. After all, you were thinking about that all of the months of your pregnancy. You even tried to scheme, but you ended up doing nothing.

To be fair, life wasn't that bad next to Ubbe. At least lately it was quite better and after seeing him back safe and healthy you felt happier and quite more relieved than before. You couldn't find the reason behind all this. The only thing you knew for sure was that you felt strange.

"I thought the same thing, but it wasn't easy to run away when your mother had her guards watching me like hawks." You replied smiling and he smiled as well for a moment. Then, his eyes went darker. The darker shade of blue that you had ever seen in your life.

"I'd never let you go anywhere with my son. You could run away, go wherever, but little Ragnar stays here with me." His words were harsher than any other time before. You felt yourself getting confused. Ubbe had never talked this way to you before this night. He would leave this house and wouldn't talk to you. When he did talk to you he was kind most of the times. He moved closer to you and one his hands made it on your chin.

You moved away from his grip on your face and looked at him all mad. For one moment you thought that you could feel something else than hate and anger for him and he had to destroy these feelings.

"Command your men, not me. And don't be so sure that you will find your son here tomorrow when you would come back from your whores." Your words came out of your mouth like they were drops of poison. You could see his face transforming again. He went mad. If eyes killed, you would be dead by now. If Ubbe was another man, you would be dead by now.

His hands grabbed your neck and he pushed your body on the wall behind you using his own one. You were trapped between him and the wall with his hand around your throat. He could kill you if he wanted to. You were right there at his mercy looking at him angry like before. Looking at him like you weren't afraid of what he could do to you.

"I could kill you for that and nobody would guess it was me." Ubbe whispered to you. His angry eyes were burning your face. You didn't hold back. Your eyes were looking straight at his eyes.

"Go on then." Your voice came out as a whisper due to the pressure on your troat causing by his larger hand.

"Don't test my patience, woman." With that last whisper right above your left ear, Ubbe set you free from his strong grip and walk to your shared bed. He laid on it.

"My name is (Y/N)." You were saying within pauses as you were trying to catch your breath.

"I can recall your name."

"Then use it when you are referring to me!" You raised your voice this time, forgetting about the toddler sleeping next to the bed.

Your son's crying came right after your yelling. You rushed to him and grabbed him from the crandle before Ubbe could touch him.

"You hate me so much that you didn't even care for our son." He said as he sat on the edge of the bed, watching you holding and trying to calm down the crying baby.

"That's not true!" You whisper–yelled looking straight at Ubbe. "This boy is the best thing that has happened in my life since the fucking day I was forced to fucking marry you!" Tears were dropping from your eyes without your notice. "You claim that I hate you, yes I do hate you, but not more than you hate me! You are horrible to me! The mighty Ubbe Ragnarsson who is fair and reasonable to everyone else treats his wife horrible! I get it that you loved that slave girl and you wanted her, but it insults me." You said and wiped away the tears from your face. After that, you held the baby closer to your body and you caressed his hair and then his back. "Go. Find her like any other night. Hopefully, she might be with child and your mother will free us both." You spoke calmer than before and after this you turned to your baby. His teary eyes were looking at yours. "I'm here, my little warrior." You spoke softly at him and started singing only for him.

Ubbe didn't say a word back at you as you were trying to calm the kid so it could sleep. The only thing he did, was to leave from the house and slam the door behind him. When he left, you let the tears stream down from your face.

That night Ubbe didn't come back home, but it wasn't unusual for him. He wouldn't spend the nights at home when he was back. Probably he was drinking with his brothers at the Great Hall and then he was beding that Margrethe girl.

You didn't sleep more than two hours and not because Ubbe wasn't there, but because of your boy's crying. He would wake up every two hours due to fever.

The day was downing when you heard knocks on your door. You opened just to find Hvitserk holding your drunk husband. You moved your head unimpressed and opened your door fully so Hvitserk could move Ubbe on the bed. Little Ragnar was on your hands crying the whole time.

"Is - Is everything alright?" Hvitserk asked quite uncomfortably and brought his hand at the back of his neck.

"No, but it is going to be." You replied at him, caressing the head of your calm now baby who was sleeping. You tried to force a small smile on your face, but you failed as it was expected.

"Why is my nephew so upset today?" Hvitserk was speaking as his hand was caressing your son's blonde head.

"Your nephew has some fever and he is more cranky than usual." You said to your brother-in-law and your lips met your son's forehead. When you felt his decreased temperature you smiled. "But, he is quite colder than before so that's a good sign." You said again and left the boy in the crandle. After that you moved to your kitchen to offer some of your newly baked bread to Hvitserk. He admired your skills in cooking and you appreciated that. "I baked this some time ago. The little monster wouldn't let me sleep." You said when you offered him some of your handmade bread.

"He always calms down when his father is around and don't try to deny it." He pointed out with his mouth full of bread.

You gazed at Ubbe, then at the toddler and at Ubbe again. It was true. Little Ragnar adored his father, it was obvious. Ubbe had a unique ability to charm him, as everyone else. Those son of Ragnar Lothbrok had this ability in their blood.

"I was - I was not going to deny it. I admit that my son adores his father. Everyone adores him." You turned to Hvitserk.

"Everyone except from you."

"What?"

His words caught you off guard. It felt strange when you heard these words coming out of the mouth of a third person. Not so due to the sound of them, but because after the birth of your child people assumed that your relationship with your husband was better. The relationship that a husband would have with his wife. They believed that you grew to love each other and you let them believe so. You wanted them to believe that. You acted like a loving couple in front of others and you even agreed that neither his family should know the real. They seemed relieved and convinced that you finally loved each other.

Hvitserk's eyes landed on your face. You were upset, he could tell by the look of your eyes. He left the empy plate in front of him and concentrated on you.

"Don't act like the loving wife you pretend to be to me. I know better (Y/N). My brother isn't a good liar or pretender. Plus, he spoke a lot last night. Luckily, it was just me there to hear." Hvitserk spoke to you and your eyes met the darkness that covered Ubbe's figure laying on the bed. Before you could even form a word to defend yourself, Hvitserk spoke again. "He was talking about little Ragnar all the time when we were back on the battlefield, you know. He even talked for you a couple of times. It slipped from his lips that he thought that you prayed to Gods for him to die there and I acted like I didn't hear that." He confessed whispering and you felt a tear threatening your left eye. You fought that tear back, you wouldn't let yourself cry in front of Hvitserk. You had cried in front of Ubbe before, but only in front of him because for a strange reason it felt really hard to keep them in.

As for Ubbe's beliefs about your false prayers. Even if you hated him, you would never pray such a thing for the father of your child.

"I - I never - I didn't—" You stopped for a moment to catch your running breath. You closed your eyes for a second and then you re-opened them and looked right at Hvitserk. "I would never pray such a thing. Ubbe and I are whatever we are, but he is still the father of my baby. This boy right there needs his father and whatever bullshit I have told him and he went mad tonight, I wouldn't leave, not after I gave birth to Ragnar. To be honest if it wasn't for him, probably I wouldn't be here right now, but I don't thing that this matters after all." You said honestly.

Hvitserk run his fingers through his messy hair and stretched. After that he took a deep breath.

"If you wanted to leave (Y/N), you would be gone by now. You had your chances before Ragnar but you never did." He spoke and you frowned. You had never thought things that way. But Hvitserk's words were truth.

It had always been a threat that you wouldn't be there when Ubbe would be back home after the raid, but you had never actually done that. You waited for him even when you didn't want him to come home just yet. You caught yourself bringing him up on your prayers just to make sure that Gods would keep him safe, but away for a little longer.

You didn't know what you should have answered him. On the other hand, he didn't need an answer. Hvitserk, as a third person and outside of all this madness, he knew the reason behind both of your behaviors, Ubbe's and yours.

Hvitserk smiled at you and stood up from tbe wooden chair he was sitting. Before he lay his foot outside your house, Hvitserk turned to you.

"It's not a crime to admit that you care for him. Even if you don't want to see it yourself, you have feelings for Ubbe that are not just hatred and anger. You don't need to argue or convince me differently, not me." Hvitserk spoke after his gaze had landed on his brother just to make sure that he wouldn't hear his words. He didn't wait for an answer of yours, he walked through the way that led to the door, but first he looked back at you again. "My advice is only one and hear me for once. I know I am not the wisest person on Midgard, not even close to that, but you have to believe in me just for this once. Don't do anything stupid and let Ubbe go away. You are reaching the end of the line. Both of you are on the edge. You will regret letting him go. Try to think what you want and if you realize that you feel something other than hatred, change. That's my advice to you sweet (Y/N)." Those were Hvitserk's last words. After them he stormed out of the house and left you sinking in your thoughts.

They couldn't be truth, Hvitserk's words. This would be madness. You hated Ubbe and that was it. You were waiting the moment when this marriage would be over. You were living for this same moment. Hvitserk's words confused and made you reconsider everything you thought you felt before this moment.

You couldn't like this guy even a little bit. That couldn't happen. Never. The only good feelings which were trying to form were due to the fact that Ubbe was the father of your son — the only happiness you got from your marriage to your husband was this child. Your miracle baby.

You gazed over to your son and after to his father. You shook your head to avoid your endless thoughts.

You hated Ubbe and wanted to divorce him that was the situation. It wouldn't change. It couldn't change. You waited a very long time to be free from this man, so you wouldn't change your mind just like that, because Hvitserk tried to push some feelings that you didn't even have for his brother.

You stood from your seat and grabbed your basket. You had to clear your mind from all the thinking and going to the market seemed a good solution. Before you leave, you checked oj your sleeping baby and glanced at Ubbe just once.

When you made it out of the door and walked through the streets of Kattegat, people were looking at you suspiciously and you even cought a couple of them whospering to each other as you passed them. At first, you thought that it was a usual day and all this was normal, because you were Ubbe Ragnarsson's wife or something like that. You started to get suspicious when it didn't stop and their stares were persistent on you.

You tried to find a familiar face to ask about the situation, but you weren't that lucky.

After you bought some things you needed you headed back home, where you found Ubbe playing with little Ragnar.

Them playing together — more like Ubbe tickling Ragnar and Ragnar laughing — wasn't a picture you got to see every day. You felt a strange feeling in your heart. It was like a bird flying inside your chest though it didn't last long, because Ubbe's voice made you feel like your usual self towards him.

"Where have you been?" The tone of his voice was imposing and demanding, like he was questioning you. When you heard him you felt quite angry, but you didn't want to cause one more scene in front of your son.

You moved a little bit from the door and left your basket on the table.

"I have been in the market." You spoke as you left your cloak on one of the wooden chairs. As you were speaking, your hands were organizing your kitchen and the stuff you had bought.

When Ubbe heard your answer clicked his tongue inside his mouth, a sound that annoyed you very much.

"What a stupid excuse to leave your child all alone." He said bitterly. Something which made you to turn and look at him. Ubbe had placed your son back inside his crib and was at the other side of the table whick was standing as an obstacle between you and him.

Ubbe was leaned on the wall and his hands were crossed in front of his chest.

You took a deep breath and tried to remain calm for once more because of your child. It wasn't good for your son growing up in an environment where his parents were fighting all the time.

"I didn't leave him all alone, I left him with his father." You responded and leaned your body on the cupboards and placed your hands in front of your chest, like he did before.

"I was fucking sleeping and he was alone! Alone (Y/N)! Anything could have happened to him!" Ubbe yelled as he came even closer and stood inches away from the table.

You closed your eyes and tried to keep your patience.

"I am telling you he wasn't alone, he was with you. You would hear him crying if anything happened." You reasoned angry in low tone of voice, but Ubbe wasn't a bit pleased by your answer. In fact, he was even more angry.

The crying of your baby stopped Ubbe from saying whatever he was going to. You passed from him and grabbed your son from his bed, trying to calm him down.

Your lips placed on his forehead to check on his body temperature and when you knew that he was hot you placed a kiss on his forehead.

"He has fever." You muttered to Ubbe without looking at him.

"What?" His voice sounded different from before when he was talking to you. He sounded surprised and scared.

Undoubtedly, Ubbe loved his son and was an excellent father for him. This child was all he dreamed about. Ragnar just had the wrong mother.

"How long?" He asked again and this time he was close to you caressing the back of your boy.

It was the first time he was this close to you and you two weren't forced to pretend that you wanted it. This time both of you were anxious about your son's health.

"Since last night." You answered him and finally looked at his worried blue eyes. It wasn't the first time you noticed how lovely they were, but it felt like it was. Ubbe was looking back at you, the exact way you looked at him. "Here, hold him for a while." You told him and placed the boy on his hands.

"Where are you going?"

"I'll fetch some water and a wet cloth. They will help."

Within a minute you were both sitting on your shared bed. Ubbe was holding the kid and you were holding the wet piece of cloth on your son's forehead.

"He seems quite better now" Ubbe pointed out and you agreed, taking the cloth away from your baby's sleeping form.

After that, both of you stood from the bed and Ubbe placed your son back inside his crib and both you stayed there looking at the baby for some time.

It felt strange and weird being that close to him and not fighting. When you stopped looking at the baby, you went back to your kitched and he sat on a chair looking around uncomfortable.

Both of you felt uncomfortable and weird around each other for not reason. It wasn't like you didn't know each other, but you felt like strangers to each other indeed. Like you weren't the ones who were fighting some time ago.

"(Y/N)." Ubbe was the first to break the silence between the two of you and you turned to face him.

"Yes, Ubbe." You muttered.

"I—"

He didn't even get to form a proper word when loud knocks on the door startled both of you. You walked pass the table and opened the door. When you did, you met a very worried version of Hvitserk Ragnarsson. You hadn't seen his this way ever again before.

"Brother, I want to talk to you about something." Hvitserk spoke quickly, without greeting you. Ubbe's expression changed when he saw the one his brother had on his face and you were curious yourself, but you didn't ask anything. "Privately." Hvitserk added and glanced at you.

Ubbe stood up from the chair he was sitting and walked to the door.

"If anything happens with the child, go to the Great Hall." Ubbe told you.

"I know." You whispered before he close the door behind him.

It wasn't the first time he left like that. Actually, those times were countless and you felt nothing about it, you didn't really matter where Ubbe was, until this moment. You could feel the agony inside your chest. Your heart was pounding in your chest and your hands were sweating. You had a bad feeling. Or you were just sick. Maybe you had caught the cold from your baby.

That must have been. It was the only reasonable reason about your feelings.

Fortunately, a soft knock on your door stopped your thoughts and you rushed to open. When you opened, you noticed Torvi's worried look on you and frowned.

"Come in." You were the faster one to start talking, as you opened the door wider for her to come in the house. When she was inside, you closed the door behind her.

"I heard that a certain someone is sick and came to help you. I know how it is to have a sick boy. Hali would get sick almost every winter until he was three." She spoke and you smiled warmly.

"He is getting better now. I hope he will be fine in a couple of days." You said smiling, watching your little boy sleeping. But your smile died when you looked at Torvi again.

She had the same worried expression as when she stood outside your house.

"Is everything alright?" You asked as you moved to your kitchen to prepare some tea for the both of you.

"Well, I didn't come only for Ragnar here, I came to see you, too. You are barely around lately." Torvi's voice was softer than usual, but you didn't want to think too much about it. You were just upset because Ragnar was sick that was all. There was nothing suspicious.

But, on the other hand, too many of coincidences were standing in your way in one day. If you knew one thing, it would be that you didn't believe in coincidences.

"Yes, I know, but Ragnar was sick and you know how I am when is time for my husband to come back from raiding." You spoke and placed a cup of hot tea in the table.

When you looked at Torvi, she was still standing. You motioned her to sit opposite of you and she did it.

You didn't speak much of Ubbe, or the state of your marriage, but Torvi knew. Every member of his family knew the truth about you. They just didn't speak about it. Even Ivar, the brother who was known for his poisonous words, didn't say anything ever, at least not when you were around, and you appreciated that.

Torvi didn't answer you. She was just staring the table speechless which was suspicious. It felt like she knew something and she came to you to tell you, but for some reason which you didn't know she was saying it.

"Torvi." You said her name and leaned closer to her, placing your hand closer to hers. Her eyes met yours and at that moment you knew for sure that something was up. "I can sense that something is wrong, tell me what it is." You spoke again and she her eyes left you for once again. "Torvi, tell me." Your tone was firmer.

You saw her tensing and closing her eyes, then opening them again. Torvi took her hand away from yours and you felt even more confused.

"Alright." She wasn't looking at you when she was speaking. Something that felt even worse. "There is something that I assume that you are not aware of and I think that is unfair for you not to know it. Probably, I am not the one to tell you that and maybe it's a mistake the fact that I am here now, but I consider you my sister and I couldn't keep it away from you." She paused for some seconds and before she started speaking her eyes reached yours. "Margrethe, you know Margrethe, right?" She asked you and you felt you mouth turning bitter at the sound of her name.

Of course you knew her. She was the mistress of your husband. The woman – the thrall girl – he loved and wanted to marry and dreamed about being with her, having the family he always wanted with her, but instead Ubbe stuck with you – the woman he despised the most.

"Are you kidding me, right now?" Your voice was more ironic than you wanted or intended it to be, but when it came to that woman you couldn't keep yourself together.

"I assume you do, considering your answer. Anyways, Margrethe is pregnant." She spilled and you felt your blood turning cold inside your veins.

For a couple minutes nothing was sounding. You couldn't think properly, or even form a proper word to say. You were horrified.

"I didn't want to say it so straightforward. I tried—"

"Who is the father?"

Both of you spoke almost at the same time.

Torvi took a deep breath and that was enough as an answer for you.

"It's been said....... she said that....... I mean......." She was trying to say that your husband was the father of her bastard child, but she couldn't find the right words about it and to be honest were there any right words about something like that?

Probably not.

"It's fine. I guessed that Ubbe is the father." You voice was calm, as you intended.

You were upset. You were angry. You felt hurt for some unknown reason. But you kept yourself together. After all, that was all you wished for to happen. Now, after Margrethe's pregnancy, his mother would approve to your divorce. People would understand. You were humiliated but took all you wanted.

Also, the looks and the whispering in the market this same day made sense. Nothing was a coincidence at the end of the day.

"Hey, aren't you happy for me?" You stood up, trying to sound happy, trying to be happy. It was all you wanted all this time and now it felt like Hel. "Torvi, Torvi, Torvi, let's not lie to each other, you know my problems with him. I have always wanted to find a getaway from this nightmare and now I am finally free to live by my own rules, without a person I hate. And wanna know something else? I knew it about them and I fucking told him to impregnate her so the queen would let us divorse. See, that's all I ever fucking wanted." Your voice was bitter and poisonous. At the end of your speech, you turned your back on Torvi and placed your hands on the counter to steady yourself.

When you did that you closed your eyes and refused by that way to let tears fall from your eyes.

"(Y/N), you don't mean that. You are just upset right now, I understand, I totally understand, but—"

"Torvi, leave me alone." You said, trying to be calm, or at least the calmer way you could be. "Please." Your voice almost gave you away. It almost broke and Torvi was clever she knew – even if you refused to admit it even to yourself – that you were hurt.

Torvi did as you asked her too, she left without speaking a word behind her. When you heard the door closing, you let yourself break.

You fall on your knees and cried worse than your baby. You cried gor something you claimed you wanted all the time you were married with this man and after he did what you told him to, you felt awful – betrayed that was it.

Two words came to your mind when you cried. Weak and stupid. That's how you called yourself and you felt that way because what you didn't want to happen and hated to even think about happening, happened. You had developed feelings for him and you hated him for that, even more. You hated that you loved him.

Hvitserk was right. Everything he told you was right, but nothing of that mattered anymore. You should have admitted and tried to do something to save the last pieces of this marriage, but now, there was nothing that could be saved.

Even if you wanted, even if you tried, Ubbe wouldn't want you. She was all he wanted all this time and this baby of hers and now he had it all. His biggest dream was becoming truth.

Your son's loud crying brought back for once more. He was your saviour after all and you owed him for that.

Your hands wrapped around his little body and tried to relax him, but it seemed impossible when you yourself was crying loudly too.

It was just the two of you now – like you craved – and it felt lonely and strange. It felt like a piece was missing and you knew damn well which piece was that. All you wanted was to leave him and live all by yourself with the only person you loved in the world, but now it was different. It was hard to let go of him and your life with him.

Only the thoughts of finally getting freed from this painful marriage made your heart ached.

You couldn't fall for him. Especially not now.

"Your father will be always there for you, Ragnar. He will always love you deeply, after all you are his firstborn son, you carry his legacy the most. It's just that you will have to grow apart from him, but that doesn't change anything. And I – I love you more than anything in this cruel world. You are my only child." You whispered leaving your tears to reach your jaw. As you were speaking, your heands were caressing your son's back and your eyes were closed. Your were trying to calm down both of you. "Also, we won't be that far. You can see him whenever you want. He and I just won't be together." You didn't know whether it was your son the one you wanted to calm with these words, or yourself. "Never forget—"

You didn't get to finish because the door opened and closed loudly and the only thing you were able to do was to turn your back at the person who entered – Ubbe. But you failed to cover your wet face. He had seen.

"What had happened? Is the kid alright?" Ubbe asked and by the sound of his voice and the way he stormed inside the house, you could say that he was upset. You could guess the reason, but you couldn't get the reason he was upset. Your wishes were coming true. You wanted to divorce with him and he wanted to marry the blonde slave girl.

"Yes. He is just a little bit upset." You spoke swiftly and gazed at your son's big blue eyes. He was just looking at you now. You smiled at him and kissed him softly on the forehead. After that, you left him inside his cradle.

"What about you?" His voice came out softer than before and almost startled you. You didn't expect him to state anything about you, it wasn't like him to care about your feelings.

Your eyes met his for the first time after you found out about the girl's pregnancy and after overthinking your complicated feelings about him.

"I will be." You mouthed quickly and walked past him, or at lest you tried to, because the man you wanted to despise like no one and nothing before stopped you by force.

His hand wrapped around your arm violently and made you stop just inches in front of him. You frowned out of anger and looked first at his hand and then at his angry face.

"What is that? You are acting weird again." He pointed out and wanted to laugh out of your frustration.

You wanted to yell — yell like a madwoman — after the news you received and his audacity to want to be treated differently. You couldn't act like anything had happened. Neither you wanted to tell him about it. If he had the guts, he would tell you himself.

"I don't get what you mean. I'm just myself like usual and apparently you are acting like yourself." Your answer and the unphased tone were enraging him more. You notice by the way his grip on your arm was tightening. "Now let me go. I have to teat my son." You tried to escape from his grip, but Ubbe didn't let you. He pulled you even closer to him. You were both pissed at each other.

Well, you weren't just pissed at him. Deep down you were hurt. He had hurt you like always, but this time — unlike all the others — the pain was piercing through your guts. This pain was something you hadn't experienced before.

"I just can't understand you and I'm fucking trying!" Ubbe let go of you and started walking in the house with his hands running through his breaded long hair. "This morning we were alright and now you are back to your annoying self — to that hateful woman who despises everything." After he finished, Ubbe turned to face you. Your face hadn't change a bit after his words.

You could feel wrath in your veins, but something bitter was there too.

"That's what you believe of me, huh? Then wanna know what I believe of you?" That last part wasn't even a serious question. You were going to tell him anyway and you were going to be harsh. "You are just as hateful, but trying to pretend that you are someone else so that people like you. You expect them to love you when you treat your wife worse than the thralls. I should not talk about that matter — your way with the thralls. You wanted to belittle me so much that—"

You stopped yourself there. You couldn't continue. You were indeed becoming hateful. For a moment Ubbe was just staring you without speaking as his words were replaying themselves inside your mind.

You had become as heartless as your father was. You treated Ubbe so low, but he wasn't better.

"That what? Why did you stopped? Maybe you understood yourself that all these nonsense you are speaking are bullshit! I fucking treat you the way you treat to me! I have never wanted to belittle you!" Ubbe was yelling — it was one of the very few times that he was so mad.

But you weren't going to hold back your tongue. You were as mad as Ubbe — if not more. You had crossed the line some times, but he was worse. He cheated on you multiple times and even impregnated his mistress.

When you heard his words, you were the one who run her hands through her hair this time. Instead of yell immediately, at first you formed an ironic smile on your face and the next thing you did was to yell.

"You belittle me every fucking night of those you are back in Norway! You are cheating on me with that slave and you even got her pregnant this time. You humiliated me! Everyone in the market was gossiping about your exploits! All Kattegat knows! If not all Norway!" You were yelling without even thinking of what you were saying. You hadn't even understood that tears were streaming from your eyes all the time you were talking. "But that shouldn't mind me! After all, that's the best reason to divorce you. No one can stop me after this. And, of course, they can't prevent you from marrying her! Go ahead take her, but I inform you; this is the last time you are looking at me and my son." At the end, all you could do was whisper at him. It was pointless.

Your little boy didn't even cry this time, like he could sense that even him couldn't stop you from saying all these. He was just playing with some of the toys inside his cradle.

Ubbe's expression changed after all the poison you let your mouth spit.

"I've never intended to humiliate you or belittle you." His voice this time was softer than you were used to. You had never really talked in calm tones. "When we married we didn't love each other — we married for that alliance. At that moment, I loved Margrethe and I was planning to marry her, yes and yes, I had slept with her, but that stopped when Ragnar was born. Well, to be precise, I had stopped some time before I learned that you were with child."

All this time you had your back turned at him and were trying to stop the tears that were falling mercilessly from your eyes. But when you heard his last words, you wiped away some fresh tears and faced him. Ubbe was calm — it was a rare moment — a beautiful moment.

"I was trying to give in to the feelings I felt for you. The way I had you in my mind when I was at the battlefield. Don't ask me how those feelings were formed — I have no idea. I was thinking of you, knowing that you were praying for me not to return. Those feelings couldn't be replaced by any fight we had. At the end of the day, all that stayed in my mind was one of your rare smiles and the way you care for our son."

Those words were even harder to process them than the news about the child of the slave girl. You couldn't even think that Ubbe would ever form that kind of feelings for you.

His confession made the rock walls of your heart to fall one by one.

"I have never prayed for you to die on the battlefield. I did quite the opposite in fact and it felt strange in my heart. I hated — I told my self to hate you — I was telling myself all the things I hated in you so I could hate you. I felt strange for you — my heart was beating in a strange way as much as I tried to avoid it, it exists, still." You spoke truly without daring to look in his eyes. "But it doesn't matter anymore. Our marriage will end. Those rumours is humiliating enough for me to leave you. If I have enough dignity, I should leave you."

Ubbe tried to reach for you, but you stopped him with a motion of your hand. If things were different, you would stay and try to make this marriage work, but you had no other choice but to leave him.

Taglist: @bruher, @utterlyhopeful-fics, @hypocritic-trash-baby

[ritzcuit]

i want.. a fic.. where datz.. and amara talk....sooooooo bad. i know i should write it myself but writing is hard and i cant even decide what theyd talk abt. i just want it. i want them to talk abt Everything.

to me.. their relationship......... entirely unfounded by canon, but i believe it's such a complicated one. and i love to think about it. ofc, my angles are "datz is a gay man who had no romantic feelings for amara, very much had romantic feelings for dhurke, and is not exactly fond of Any sort of royalty at all"

i think her, dhurke, and datz, were all pretty good friends pre-revolution. i think dhurke invited datz to meet amara and datz was like oh boy this woman whos got dhurke all in a tizzy it'd be cool to seeAMARA SIGATAR KHURA'IN???? .....REAL???????but she's like, Cool, and has a sense of humor, and they all get along well. datz is like woah i didn't know someone of the royal family could be this cool. and smart and funny and normal :) and amara's like, it's nice that my boyfriend's freak isn't treating me differently because of my family, it's nice to feel like my age :) yay. he's invited to their wedding it rules.

and then like. um. it all goes wrong. So i rly do think datz was mourning amara too. not nearly as deeply as dhurke, of course, but he was like nooo she was so cool fuckkkkNDSKLNSFG but it goes wrong in several ways, bc now datz is helping raise her kid (!) and now he's living with dhurke (!!) and getting closer (!!!) and oh no

so, requited or not, confessed or not, forever, his love for dhurke is always going to be with an asterisk that says *dhurke is a married man, albeit a widow, and i am A Monster for loving him romantically

and then Um Well amara is Alive. on the surface, datz is celebrating, because this is awesome, until dhurke hits him with the "actually she still thinks i tried to murder her, but i'm gonna get her to trust me--" and datz is already sore because, with apollo gone, things are already dismal, and wtf do you mean she still thinks youre guilty?! whereas datz never doubted dhurke's innocence, so he's offended on dhurke's behalf and hurt because this little niche he's built in dhurke's life is getting shaken up again and3$%^#$^$

BUT THE THING IS, DATZ IS A NICE GUY. AND LIKE. HE LIKES AMARA. or wants to like her, really fucking badly, bc dhurke is so happy that amara is here, right!! so datz wants to be happy for them! amara is not stupid. she's cautious about all of this, and can tell that datz isn't as warm to her as he used to be. she learns all that dhurke has to share and what the two of them have been doing for the past like-eightish-years... she's merciful. amara is a Nice Girl. and she trusts them, but i think datz never really. gets over this.

i think rayfa being born is such a nail in the coffin that datz never gets over that either. esp after sending apollo away... soj implies datz doesnt know abt rayfa but idgaf he knows. i cannot decide as to if datz is good at hiding his displeasure. i think, for the most part, he is, because he tries SO FUCKING HARD to be happy when he's supposed to be happy... but at the same time, i think datz argues about sending apollo away, i think he argues about trying to win amara over, and i think he's very very clearly biting his tongue when he finds out about rayfa.

bc. he's not. like. he has no authority. and he hates scolding, and he hates pretending like he has authority... he hates hates hatessss being against all of this. more than anything, he just wishes he was a better friend who could be happy about all of this, but he's nursing a broken heart that he refuses to admit...

they lose rayfa and amara again... i think datz could take this insanely hard. i think datz can have a streak of blaming himself for things beyond his control, like every ace attorney character (he takes tahrust's death hard, and somewhat implies that he blames himself,) so i think he'll feel like if he wasn't bitter towards amara, he could have protected her. talking about this means he'd have to admit his bitterness, and explaining where it comes from, and admitting his love for dhurke, so he'll never do this...

by the time he and amara can meet again, post-canon, it's just. there's like. there's too fucking much. there's SO MUCH. datz's avoidance is in high gear now that he could, possibly, go visit amara.... i think it's obvious to anyone that he's avoiding that for any number of reasons. like nope. he simply Will Not. and amara knows it, because she's not stupid, and everyone who ever knew she and dhurke has given their condolences and datz barely steps foot in the palace- even to talk to nahyuta- but like,

he raised nahyuta up until he became a prosecutor, right? she's been talking to him and getting to know him, but who does she have to fondly reminisce with now that dhurke is gone? and who will treat her like a person and not some reverent figure? maybe she's lonely, right? maybe she misses an old friend.

and datz could ignore her invitation to a small private lunch, and more than anything, he wants to, which is why he goes. it's confronting that grief and broken hearted bitterness and remnants of anger and frustration from over a decade ago, and all that sadness, and guilt, and shame that he couldn't Be Better... or maybe, above all else, he just doesn't want to look at a widow (for real, this time) and tell her that he's been selfishly in love with her husband for as long as she's been gone.

which, for the record, amara would be like. i know. 😭LMFAO SHE'S LIKE DATZ DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID?

IDK. THERE'S SOOOOO MUCH. but i don't want the fic to just be datz yelling at a traumatized woman, no matter where you set it in the timeline, so it's likeelngfdlnfg Cause i don't think he even COULD yell at her, again, bc behind it all he knows amara was a victim as well.. i don't want the fic to just be amara doing emotional labor trying to coax something out of datz...

i dont know. im crazy. the two of them have a history that no one else would be around for, they're the only peers the two of them have, so it's crazy. bitterness and discomfort and everything. i cant... Exploads

[caeli0306]

024 Fic Writer End of Year Roundup ✨

Answer and then tag three or more creators to keep the game going!

I was tagged by @skyfallscotland <3

1. How many words did you publish on AO3 in 2024?

375,016!

2. How many fics did you complete this year?

Eight! All of them are in my pinned post on my Tumblr.

3. How many in progress or ongoing fics did you start this year?

If we're just counting the ones that already have a chapter up on AO3, four. If we're counting the ones that haven't been posted yet, I'm not entirely sure by at least 10 lol

4. What was your favourite thing you wrote?

This is tough! I loved VSGTSAS for obvious reasons, but castles crumbling/TFTAB is my baby. I really don't think I can choose!

5. What piece was your most experimental or different from your usual style?

Oh, definitely cold woman and in the eye of the beholder. They were my first forays into third person pov, and the first fics I wrote that weren't from Xaden or Violet's pov (not including Swan Song in that count bc those characters were all OCs). I really enjoyed writing both, but man was it hard to go back and forth between writing my first person fics and the third person ones.

6. Did any fics surprise you - either while writing or their reception?

Definitely Violet Sorrengail's Guide to Spinning a Scandal. That was my first time participating in any kind of fic exchange, and I thought the idea was great but wasn't sure that many others would think the same. castles crumbling didn't have as many people reading it at the time and I had maybe like 25 followers here on Tumblr, so I was fully expecting no one to really read VSGTSAS. I was thrilled when people read it as much as they did when I was publishing it, but it was definitely really surprising for me at the time!

7. Do you have a fic you wrote and loved that went under the radar? (This is your sign to reblog/repost it!)

cold woman! I absolutely adored this fic, because I think Lilith is such an interesting, multi-faceted character. I cried SO HARD when she died, and being able to write out what I thought her final thoughts were was really interesting.

8. Who is an artist that inspired you?

All of them! That might be overly generic. I literally like and save just about every piece of art I come across, but I tend to follow writers more than artists if that makes sense, so I probably couldn't name a specific one.

9. Who is an author that inspired you?

Going to copy @skyfallscotland and say @justallihere. Reading SITQ inspired me to start writing Swan Song, which was where I got my start writing fanfic!

10. Who is a new author you discovered?

Does myself count? Jk -- @widebrimmedhatsblog and @suebswrites! The number of times I've read their work is astounding; they're absolutely phenomenal!

11. Did you do any collaborations? How did it start?

Nope!

12. What accomplishments are you proudest of?

Pulling myself out there, first and foremost! I was SO scared to post the first chapter of Swan Song back in February -- I was convinced that people would hate it. And while it really didn't have many readers before I put it on hiatus, writing it helped me figure out what I wanted out of writing fan fiction and how I wanted to write it. I'm equally proud of myself for not giving into the pressure to push myself to update more or write my stories a specific way because that was what people wanted from me. As a chronic people-pleaser, that was a big milestone for me.

13. What did you learn about writing or creating this year?

I learned that sometimes you need to step out of your comfort zone! If I hadn't done that and let my nerves stop me from publishing that first fic, I never would have gained the wonderful community I have through the FW fandom.

14. Any advice you’d like to share with new or aspiring writers?

Writing fanfic is what you make of it! Comment on the fics you read, shamelessly promote yourself, and write what you want to write -- not what others want you to write (unless you also want to write it!)

15. What are your creative goals for 2025?

Finish cc, finish the Did Someone Say Shots? series and danger zone and XRGTSAS, and then getting around to writing my super secret wip fic!

I have no clue who's done this and who hasn't so I'll be tagging @overjoyedisland @suebswrites @witch-and-her-witcher @essjaywrites and @ubiquitouslyme!

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - February 3rd

w anon, misunderstanding anon (new), thoughts anon (tw: abuse), confession ig anon (new), guess anon (tw: abuse)

W Anon

Hey cas!

Not exactly a vent today, it's writing advice/support

I have this idea for a marauders fic I wanna write. Its something I think I could write well and I want to create it for other people to read. But I haven't written a lot of fanfic, mostly because I feel weird writing about charecters other people see differently. And not in the jkr sense like idc so much abt og authors tho I do plan to follow some canon, more the problem is I just feel really hesitant to put my work up in a place where other people *also* write about the exact same charecters and have equal rights to me in terms of its not like they're my charecters, because I don't want other people's vision to affect mine. Idk. I know I could just not share but I feel like it fills a hole in the vast tapestry of fan fic cause if it didn't, I could just go read abt it instead of having to write it. I went through a list of all the named marauders Era charecters and figured I'd pick a couple to use that don't feel so fleshed out in fanon so that I don't have to stress abt that aspect of it. Basically I love barty as a charecter and I feel like my idea of him matches enough that I can write him, but not so much like remus or lily or like Marlene and Mary and the other female charecters? Especially for the girls there seems to be so little Canon but they always seem written so complexely it scares me.

Also parents by yungblud was actually written by barty I don't make the rules.

-W

Honestly, I think you should write about and post about whoever you want! Why do other people in fandom have more of a right to characters than you do? (Hint: they don't.) You have every right to write characters how you want, and I guarantee you that someone out there will love how you write them BECAUSE it's different. And anyone who doesn't can use the back button or fuck right off.

______________

Misunderstanding Anon

Okay. So, I accidentally had a small misunderstanding with an only partial acquaintance at the time and it accidentally turned into one of the biggest lies I've ever told?

At first I just let it go because like... what does it matter? It's not like it's really going to make a difference anyway? And we're not even friends so who cares?

But now we're like months into our relationship and what had started off as it wouldn't matter has slowly turned into, well fuck how am I supposed to tell him now??

And it's not a big lie either! As an example it would be like he assumed I was vegetarian and I wasn't, but now it gets brought up so much and my anxiety had just kinda forced me into pretending it's true so now I'm like fuck is this my life from now on?

Because it's gotten to the point where it just feels like this HUGE secret and I know you'll say to come clean, but what if he hates me for lying this whole time?

I could try to explain that it really was a misunderstanding at first, and I know it wasn't right of me to not correct it when things started getting serious, but he's so big about honesty and I'm just so worried this would make us fall apart?

Its just over something SO stupid and I have no idea what I'm going to do??

*anyone else seeing this is free to jump in too if you have thoughts😭*

Hi <3

Okay so this is honestly (ha) a really hard situation because there's no easy answer. But let's think of the possibilities.

Let's say you don't say anything. Then from there, he could either never find out and you continue to feel guilty like this (doesn't sound fun) or he DOES find out, but from someone else. I think probably wouldn't end up good.

Let's say you DO say something. He could get mad, yeah. But at least you're in control of when and where that happens. And maybe if you write something out, similarly to how you did here, he'll understand and your relationship will be okay.

So yea...there's no easy decision. But I'm not gonna lie, I think you should tell him. Especially if it's a small thing, I think the odds are you can get through it if you tell him on your own.

_____________________

Thoughts Anon

Hi hon <3

I'm so sorry about what happened with you and V.

Here's the thing, I'm not sure how much YOU can do. If V's parents are doing something abusive (like...from a legal standpoint) then what I would suggest is to have V's friend who lives nearby report them. But ONLY do that if you're sure you can prove the abuse. Because if not, that'll just piss them off more.

If you can't prove abuse, then the best thing to do, sadly, is to wait. Because if you keep trying to contact her, her parents could see and it could make them angrier. Try to stay in contact with her through her friend to know she's okay and leave it at that. I'm sure she'll eventually find a way to contact you <3

________________________

Justify Anon

Hi, it's justify anon again (sorry)

So one of my close school friends had to fly out to another country the other day because her grandpa was ill (it's the middle of the term, so not really convenient) and I found out this morning that he died. You don't have to answer this if it's triggering or upsetting or anything, but if you do, I'd really appreciate it if you could give me some advice on how to be there for her when she comes back.

Thank you, I hope you have a great day <3

Hi <3

I think just reminding her that you're there to talk to, and also asking questions about good memories of him. I've found that people who've lost loved ones tend to like to talk about the good times, like relive good memories. So you can be there to listen to those <3

_________________

Confession ig anon

I'm just gonna put the first part of your ask

hey cas, I've sent some asks before but under a diff name, because this isn't smth I want to really talk about a lot it's just kind of a confession ig?

Okay I'm not trying to negate your feelings at all, but i'm going to very gently suggest that maybe you're confusing enjoying attention with actual feelings. It's okay to enjoy attention, but that doesn't mean you have genuine feelings of attraction, you know? And like you said...hormones can do crazy things. I say this because when you mention him, you have only talk about how he treats you, not anything about him or who he is as a person.

So maybe you can keep in mind how you like to be treated, and look for someone who treats you that way, that you also like as a person and is healthy for you.

______________________

Guess Anon

Hi Cas,

Guess Anon here

It's okay that you didn't see it - I was debating sending this for a good week before I saw him and only plucked up the courage the night before so its mostly my fault - I know you get a lot of asks as well too.

I just don't want him to find out that I'm repeatedly lying to him cause that'll make him more and more angry, and trust me that isn't safe.

Luckily my sister goes back to University soon, and generally he only sees us when its the both of us rather than just one kid, so hopefully I wont have to see him until whenever my sister visits. I also rely on him a bit (?) He pays like £13 child support per kid per month - but only if the kid is in education, hence why he's still paying for my sister thats in Uni - which means as soon as he knows that I'm not in college, my mum will receive £13 less - which yes, isnt much, but also we are really poor. He could pay more and I know he could, when we go out he's always buying me and my sister stuff (probably to lovebomb(?) us into hanging out with him)

I hope that when he finds out, he isn't violent, but this is the man that was very violent to me when I was a baby, so I know my hopes wont mean shit to him.

When he finds out, and if he is angry, I will probably message you if thats okay, and I'll come off of anon (obv you probably know who it is already, this is more for when you share it etc)

Thank you again Cas

Yes please keep me updated! Just remember that whatever you need to do to stay safe- lying, staying away from him, whatever, is totally valid. You don't owe him anything.

[olderthannetfic]

The ace asks about how asexuality and being aromantic is increasingly seen to mean "has sex and romance like a normal person" reminds me of the time I accidentally deeply angered an author. She had the tag 'asexual character' in her fic's tags, but since it's a 300k word long fic involving a lot of characters, it wasn't clear who that referred to right away. I left long comments on each chapter, talking about what I liked, sections that hit really hard, lines that I loved, etc., as I always do. (I like to ramble IRL and I can't turn it off even online.) At the halfway point of the fanfic, during a long comment about the OCs that helped flesh out the oft-mentioned but barely explored organizations and companies in the world of canon, I said that I hoped This One Specific OC or That Other Specific OC would turn out to be the asexual character, as I saw in them echoes of myself and a friend of mine (we're both ace).

She had never responded to a comment of mine before, but she did for that one... to yell at me about how the main character OC was aroace, actually. This was apparently supposed to be obvious since the word ace was used in the tie-in prequel fic, which I had held off on reading because the author's note mentioned it would have spoilers if you hadn't read the whole main fic. The character in question has a relationship not remotely different from any of the cishetallo or cisqueerallo relationships presented in the text. She develops a snarky sarcastic friendship with someone she finds visually beautiful and impossible to look away from, gets to know him a little, watches movies with him, they get into urban fantasy danger which they help each other through, they fuck and do so extremely regularly, and she has past exes who she also did all of this with.

And I was, apparently, a bigot with internalized aphobia and negative attitudes towards women who have sex because I didn't look at her and go, "Ah, yes, an aroace!" She informed me I was forcing unrealistic stereotypes no one adhered to onto ace people by thinking aces had to be a certain way and by refusing to see that

Her angry reply was so long it took three AO3 comments to send to me, and it didn't really make me convinced I'd misread the situation. It just made me convinced this wasn't an author I wanted to read more fic from, because 1. this is a lot of anger, holy crap and 2., I really think this is an excusable mistake on my part. I saw no signs this character was in any way different from any other couple in the fic beyond that she and her love interest didn't get to know each other's backstories as much and instead bonded more through experiences they shared, which in my opinion is not something that can be linked to any sexuality or lack thereof.

I feel like there's a moral in here. Like, authors, as a fellow author, I get that it sucks when someone else doesn't see the characters like you do, or misses something you thought was clear, etc. I get that it's frustrating. But don't rip into someone who's been gushing about every chapter of your fic individually just because they didn't catch one thing. I failed to realize one character's sexuality. That's not the same as hating you, the character or the writing.

Mostly I remember that incident as the day I stopped asking questions in my long comments. A sea of gushing does not make up for a mistake and the best way not to make those is to not ask if a tag relates to a character or line.

--

Oof. I mean, sure, there's a diversity of experience. Everything is a spectrum. Yada yadda. But if two labels become entirely indistinguishable, what's the point of even having them, much less getting mad when people can't spot the difference?

[tricksterlatte]

I've always been fascinated by fandom history, and I know I'm not the only one. It's interesting to see how fans of pop culture can create a culture of their own, and in the modern age of social media and the internet in general, that culture is as widespread as ever. Unfortunately, that also means downsides are becoming bigger as this culture becomes widespread, and it's saddening to watch, maybe even concerning.

I don't discuss these things to be preachy, especially considering how I've fallen into several of these pitfalls before, and have perpetuated some of this behavior in the past. To say otherwise would make me a hypocrite and a liar, and I firmly believe this goes for most people in any fandom. I was just thinking about this recently, and how a lot of the biggest stressors in what should be our stress relief really can be pinned mostly into a few central talking points, which I would love to discuss to know if I'm not just going crazy here

The concept of Big Name Fan has evolved into a position of authority on fandom, which does not fall to anyone regarding subjectivity. No one in a fandom is an authority except the creators themselves, who have every right to stay away from the fandoms they have birthed.

Popularity in general being conflated to intellectual authority as well, especially on websites with public stats, particularly following counts. The algorithm is no benevolent god, but people will sometimes see someone with 30k followers and think they are correct on a minor non-issue that has spiraled into discourse, especially when compared to someone with 30 followers. This also is just...a bummer when fanon evolves into perceived canon, and newcomers to the fandom can't post even innocuous meta or headcanons without it being perceived as morally/intellectually incorrect.

Monetization of fanworks, but especially zines, have led to a hypercompetitive atmosphere that only escalates the bitterness and resentment. This is not a universal problem, but many zines across all fandoms habitually accept the same artists and writers, or diminish the value of fanfic due to the limitations of physical printing. The application process has devolved into such a disheartening debacle for a majority of people I see, and the way it is often framed as "your work just wasn't good enough" when it's really about what the mods deem mass marketable will destroy just about anyone's self-esteem after repetitive rejections, and will give some frequent zine runners a false sense of final say over the community (not usually, but it can happen).

The level of distrust for anyone new attempting to start a fan project is just so depressing nowadays (and this one we sadly can blame on a few people by name, but the ones who have sent this issue spiraling still don't care and that just sucks. I feel horrible for everyone who has been tricked).

Somehow comment and anonymous asks have gone backwards from "don't feed the trolls" to "suck it up, at least you're getting comments." I have seen some of these comments people have been told to suck up. It's not okay in general. It's particularly gross when it's an anonymous hate message unrelated to the fanworks themselves, perhaps born out of resentment or bearing an ulterior motive. And some will even attack and defame character due to identity. It's not subtle. It's not okay. People should absolutely be dunked on for this, and I gotta say I'm sick of unsolicited concrit being enforced as positive either. If they didn't ask, don't give it. There's a reason a lot of fic writers some people adore suddenly go ghost, and they can't even talk about it.

Don't like, don't read has been discarded in favor of don't like, tell others don't read and also don't write. Transformative works don't have to fit into a canon or even in character mold. That's why they're transformative! It's a different type of artistic expression. If you don't like it, chances are good it simply wasn't meant for you. It's not bad. Don't shame others, god especially not for non-issues such as a t/b preference or a different gender hc, preferred haircuts, types of animal you imagine them as in another lifetime, I could list literally anything here and I bet there has been a fandom fight over it.

Exclusive yet publicly advertised community Discords that will bar you from invite if you're not one of the cool kids. I have unfortunately fallen into this trap before, and refuse to ever enable or endorse that behavior ever again. This isn't about friend groups either, it's about fandom-dedicated servers that flaunt themselves as a VIP club instead of what they are: a friend group. I also don't even know how to broach the subject of private accounts that turn into fandom tea accounts with dozens if not hundreds of followers, only for people to be angry if someone isn't exactly okay with horrific stuff being said in general, let alone about their mutuals or friends.

I know none of this will likely ever change, and tbh i'm so tired of it all, but...does anyone else know what I mean? I'm stressed out whenever I try to enjoy myself, because popularity and a strange business mindset is steadily taking over fandom spaces. I'm not saying people should stop trying to make stuff that sells, or that people universally do any of this, but fandom is evolving into a thing I'm not sure is good. idk anymore

[myloveforhergoeson]

ash's june 2024 reading round up

find all the books and fics i read this month under the cut with a link to the synopsis and my reviews/ratings attached :)

this is just for fun! i'm not a professional, i just like to read <3

booklist:!

Book Lovers by Emily Henry (18+!)

• big emily henry fan here, i've read most of her other books and i just picked up her new one. this one, in comparison to the other ones i've read, was in my opinion, just kind of middle ground. it wasn't as amazing as i was expecting and it wasn't bad, i just don't think this was the book for me. about a literary agent, nora, and her rival - a brooding editor for a major company she works with, charlie - both being displaced from their big city life and finding themselves in the same small town for the summer. they keep bumping into one another in sunshine falls after a less than fortuitous business meeting in NYC a few years ago and one thing leads to another. turns out charlie isn't actually as bad as she had thought! perhaps i'm just unread in the small town romance genre, but again, this one wasn't really for me. i didn't feel like charlie and nora really had all that much chemistry. i was actually more interested in their lives separate from each other than how they meshed together oddly enough. a lot of henry's books center around family - more specifically familial grief after the death of a parent - and this book was no exception. the detailed descriptions of nora's past, dealing with the death of her mother and needing to step up to take care of her younger sister, hit really close to home for me as an older sister. learning about the course of her life come to a grinding halt and the two of them learning to pick up the pieces together was beautifully done and had major implications for the turning point of charlie and nora's story. nora and libby were the highlight of this book for me - i loved every single scene between them and i almost wish it was just about these two. charlie on the other hand, is a local of this small town and has a sordid past with many of the individuals there. i didn't like his character all that much personally, he felt kind of flat in general to me, but i did think his interactions with the other local characters was very interesting and i liked that nora had a bit of a puzzle to put together as she stayed in sunshine falls. though she accidentally went out with his cousin - yikes! overall, two very detailed stories coming together to form one that i almost wish were two separate books. romance plot in this one didn't really do it for me and that's okay! i still had a good time reading it :)

i'd recommend beach read or happy place by the same author in place of this one.

• rating 3/5 times i wondered why anyone would want to live in a small town over the city...

2. My Roommate is a Vampire by Jenna Levine (18+)

• yeah i know. guys i know. but what can i say. i'm a simple girl with simple taste and i love vampires. this book wasn't groundbreaking of course but it was soooo fucking funny. loved very moment of it! like what do you mean our fmc cassie just moves in with a random guy who has a wonderful apartment and he's super hot and sexy and he talks and dresses like he's from a different time and he tells you there's a part of your apartment you can never go and he sleeps all day and is out all night and she's just okay with it 😭 girl what if he killed you 😭 anyway. mmc fredrick j. fitzwilliam they can never make me hate you. being alive for almost 400 years is tough, especially when you need someone to teach you the modern ways of life after being asleep for the last century! every time the two of them went everywhere and did something i was like rolling in my seat with laughter. trying to pay for coffee at a hipster coffee shop where the drink names don't actually tell you what's inside? where the sizes are named after planetary phenomenons? where he pulls out a velvet sack of coins and tries to pay with dabloons? god guys it was so funny i can't even begin to put my thoughts of this down on paper. they go to a party so he studies pop culture all night and memorizes taylor swift's entire Wikipedia page???? normally i hate t swift being brought up randomly in modern romance novels (happens way too much IMO) but i'm willing to look past it this time. WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE STOPPED A KIDNAPPING USING TIKTOK LIKE???? say what you will about my sense of humor but never in a million years did i guess how this book was ending. fucking hilarious and so entertaining and cassie and fredrick are very cute together. honestly the romance was like b plot for me i just thought he was too silly and wanted to know all about what weird shit fredrick was doing that day. again, not the most enlightening or literary force of nature i've ever read but i did have a very very good time. boo me if you want but i'm right <3

•rating: 4/5 times i wished cassie and fredrick wrote more notes to each other

fic list:

i read a lot i'll try to get them all im so sorry if i missed any but i've read, rb'd, and loved them all!!!

assorted works of @partiallypearl:

just another wide-eyed girl, who's desperately in love with you

keep going to the sunrise (put the car in cruise control)

'cause i can't turn to you when it all falls apart

when you love someone that's all you can do

cargan blurb

running to your heart

no notes literally every single one of these was perfect and i'm so lucky to have the privilege of reading them :) james and elisa have been on my mind so much lately, but i also really loved your other works with rhuben and logan and macie. when you love someone that's all you can do is a work of art i wish i could frame it and put it in a museum <3

• assorted works of @icegirl2772

Take a Shot in the Dark

Better than Neil (a GIFT?? for me???)

We Do (But Friends Don't)

my friend... i love your writing so much!! the new chapter if take a shot in the dark is just wonderful, can't wait to reread and leave my comment hehe. better than neil (along with being such a surprise!!) had so much love and care put into it, each section bouncing off of one another was just genius and reading it made me feel so giddy. james and kaelyn are like handmade to be perfect for each other and that story did so well of highlighting that. and we do (but friends don't) !! don't even have words. i love kaelyn and james so much and this fic makes it so clear how they care for each other and want to be cautious of that while still having fun together :) so much raw trust and honesty on display, it's just an incredible (and spicy!) read :) <3

• assorted works of @ceruleanmusings:

• .3

.4

.5

Mason - Band Dynamics

Big Time Confession

.6

.7

Big Time Double Date

desolation pt 1

desolation pt 2

endearment

omg i don't even have words for this incredible selection of works from this month. all of the mickames blurbs were so adorable, confession literally brought me to tears, double date was just hilarious, and endearment made me smile!!! i love how those all balanced out with the emotion and power tucked into both parts of desolation; the switch up really shows how hard relationships can be, even if they seem easy!, and how two people try and get past even the toughest of times together. loved the openness of difficult conversation and how james and mickey managed that together. it felt so true to real life and literally had my stomach wrenching at points. i was so worried for them, and i'm so happy they're working it out! <3 and i always love reading more about the mason band! i love them!! :))

• assorted works of @selangkir

• the girl time rush au

• jucy (no, not that one) story

ohhh my god again and again and again i read girl time rush. literally like twice a month but this month especially i wanted to highlight it bc it served as inspiration for my own little story hehe <3 stories from the perspective of james just kill me i love him so much and i feel like all three parts of girl time rush encapsulate that perfectly. from dealing with a job he didn't really want, to working behind the scenes, to a tumultuous situationship(? kind of. i don't really know what that word means but it feels appropriate) with dak zevon. god every time i read it i love it even more. and the jucy story... such a wonderful switch up of the real story and how it would affect the characters if things went differently! it was so cute, i loved it so much. can't wait to add it to my reread list <3333

• @cant-get-enough-btr-forever 's story Big Time Battle of the Bands

ahh!! i loved this story so much; the only bad thing was having to wait for the chapters to upload and not getting to read it all at once! i know i said this over and over but it truly read like a big time rush episode - you did such a wonderful job of taking the wackiness from the real show and molding it into something if your own. the battle of the bands was such a fun idea and i loved all of the girls and how they mirrored btr! jessica my beloved... it had it all: action, romance, comedy, i couldn't ask for more!!!!

• assorted works of @raging-violets:

• Around the World and Back

such a wonderful story (inspired by a wonderful song!) that put forth the trouble with touring, what happens when it comes to an end, and the toughness of a goodbye. kendall and riley have such a wonderful dynamic that was put on full display with this one! their promise to keep talking when they can (because talking is what they do best!!) was so adorable and i love that they managed to get through their tough time together :)

i believe that's everything but if i missed something IM SO SORRY!

<3333

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

What do you make of the Zuts who claim that Kataang fans are mean to them? Every ship has toxic fans, so I'm not saying it didn't happen, but the worst vitriol generally seems to come from the ZK side of things and KA fans are more frequently defending themselves (and Aang).

They're absolutely right about the Kataang fandom having it's own bad apples. I have seen some of them attacking Zutara fans, unprovoqued, just for liking a popular fanon alternative to their OTP, which is very childish and pathetic.

Here's the thing though. Like you guys know, while I was never into Zutara, also wasn't always into Kataang. During four of my nearly six years of truly being part of the ATLA fandom, I didn't hate either ship, but I didn't really care for them, and I was not shy about saying it.

And not once did I get death/rape threats or "kill yourself" messages from Kataang fans, not even when I was saying stuff like "I don't think their romance would last" or "I think the show would still work if they were just friends" (and that last point I still agree with). Nor was I told I clearly only didn't like Kataang because I had internalized misogyny or was against interacial relationships - like a cartoon couple could have anything to do with real world issues.

Whenever I read a fic that happened to have Kataang as one of the main pairings (like some fics for Maiko, a ship I always liked), the author never went out of their way to make Zuko, or any other character except sometimes Jet, look like an absolute monster just to make Kataang look better, or force a pairing to happen just to "get Zuko out of the way". Same for the metas about the show.

Whenever I saw fanart or fanfics for ships like Toph X Aang or Haru X Katara, I did not see dozens and dozens of "Ew, gross! Kataang 4ever!" or "This is really pretty, too bad is for an awful pairing, it'd be so much better if it was Kataang instead." Not once was I sent a "Even if you don't ship Kataang, this other ship is just objectively awful" ask just minutes after saying "I don't like Kataang, but I do ship Katara with Haru and even Jet"

Not once was did I ever a Kataang fan repeatedly tell me I should stop writting about my OTP and replace it with Kataang, or write both together, after I had already said I didn't like that ship and was not interested in writting anything except my OTP. Not once was any of metas that were COMPLETELY unrelated to Kataang, often not even mentioning either of the two characters, derrailed into being someone's "If you don't support my ship, you make the story worse" post.

More importantly, I could criticize the bad behavior I DID see from some Kataang fans, and be met with support from other Kataang shippers that were also annoyed at it, instead of having them deny it ever happened, or going "But what about what Zutara fans do?" do deflect, or saying "Don't generalize, we're not ALL like that!" even though that was not what I said.

Meanwhile every single one of these things happened when it came to Zutara fans. Repeatedly. To me, to my friends, to friends or my friends, to people I didn't interact with much, to people I didn't like very much. To people that shipped Kataang, Maiko, Jetara, Toko, etc. For God's sake, these people call the showrunners pedophilies just out of spite for not having their OTP become canon.

The Kataang fandom has bad apples, and like any large group, it can sometimes have TONS of bad apples. But a very big portion of that same fandom clearly doesn't approve of it and tries to keep them in check.

The Zutara fandom meanwhile often seems to go out of it's way to have ONLY bad apples, to the point that I constantly get asks from shippers that say they can't engage with the fandom anymore because people "on their side" are a nightmare to deal with. All because they seem to believe they can bully their way into being canon.

The situations are not at all comparable.

[fizziepopangel]

Hear me out..........

This is kinda giving Molly & Anthony vibes........

"Hope At Heaven's Gates"

* Author's note: heyyyyyyy!!!! I know I haven't been posting lately, I'm on the mend from a minor hand surgery so typing on the computer has been a little rough lately, but I do plan on posting more soon! Until I'm able to write more normally again, I hope you all enjoy this mini Molly fic. TRIGGER WARNING: Please read with caution as this fic does lean into heavier themes of drug use and character death despite not being graphic, I do hope everyone still takes this into

account as they read for their own mental wellness.

- Fizzie❤️❤️❤️

“To Whom It May Concern…..”

Molly sniffled, tears falling onto the notebook page and making the pink ink bleed slightly as she wrote. It was the tenth note she had written, but she just couldn't seem to find the words she needed to say.

Her vision blurred and she shook her head, looking away from the page in front of her as she set her pen down, shaking out her hands and sucking in a deep breath in an attempt to soothe herself… but her eyes landed on the framed photo sitting on the desk just off to the side of her, and her resolve crumbled.

“Asshole." She whispered, picking up the photo and trying to take herself back to that day; trying to remember what her brother sounded like and felt like as they say snuggled up together in bed, their noses red and raw from the cold they caught after deliberately sneaking out to play in the first snowfall of the winter season, their winter wear be damned as they spent the early hours of the morning running barefoot through the snow making snow angels. It was the week before Anthony's first rehab stay and they had spent it in bed sick, refusing to leave each other since they knew they'd have to be apart when he finally left. They were only 17 then and it would’ve been the first time they'd be apart for more than just a night or two since birth, but even at 17, Molly knew that it wouldn't be the last time.

“You were supposed to get better, Tony.” She sniffed, looking at the photo. “You promised.."

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Molly set the frame back down, hating the feeling that settled in her stomach whenever she thought about her twin and every time he would promise her that he would quit the drugs…. And every time he'd get himself clean only to fall straight back into that hell he's made himself so comfortable in, going from her brother to the zombie that she found herself calling her brother for almost 20 years.

Wiping her eyes, she glanced back at the photo, smiling sadly as she reached into her pocket and pulled out the small plastic baggie of pills….. she wasn't sure what they were, but in all honesty, she didn't care. She found them a week after they buried Tony, the bag sewn into the belly of one of his favorite childhood stuffed animals.

Molly remembered staring at the pills, remembered wanting to flush them the second she found them….. but she couldn't bring herself to get rid of them, finding herself coming back to his old room; back to that bag and wondering what her brother's last moments felt like.

Was he scared?

Did it hurt?

The thought of her brother dying alone and scared and in pain sent shockwaves of hurt through her chest. Although it had been half a year since his death, she couldn't shake the feeling of needing to know.

Molly had dry swallowed one of the pills without truly thinking about it as she remembered getting the call about her brother's death…. And then she swallowed another…. and another…. and another…..

After swallowing the last pill, Molly wiped her eyes, looking back down at the paper and pen in front of her. She knew what she had done, and she wasn't even sure she could bring herself to regret it as she picked up the pen with a trembling hand

“Tony will take care of me. I'm sorry.”

Placing the pen down, Molly walked back over to Anthony's bed, picking up the bear she had found his stash in and hugging it close to her chest as she laid down, trying to find the comforting scent and feel of her brother the way she had done when she used to when they were kids.

Molly wasn't sure exactly what would happen, but as she closed her eyes and held the old stuffed animal to her chest, she couldn't help but smile, hoping that Anthony would be there to greet her at the gates of heaven in the end….

[emeraldhazeart]

Twenty Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you so much for the tag @hikamaus 💚 This looks really fun.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

At this moment, I have 32 works on Ao3 (most of them oneshots)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

At the time of posting this, it's 146,576, but I'm very close to posting the next chapter of Solace

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mostly Undertale right now, but I also occasionally write for Harvest Moon/Story of Seasons and Sonic the Hedgehog

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Leaving a Mark

2. Robin's Nest

3. Solace

4. In Your Corner

5. Riding Therapy

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I love responding to comments! Even if it's just an emoji, I try to say thank you in reply, so they know I appreciate them taking the time to leave a comment.

I know there are some comments that I haven't gotten round to responding to, and those haunt me. Please know that it's either because I don't have the spoons at this moment, or because it's been so long that I'm shy about replying. But I genuinely do appreciate each and every comment I receive. 💚

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably No Man's Land (which also happened to be my first Undertale fic)

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I've got to say Photograph for that one. It still brings tears to my eyes rereading it, but they're happy tears.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No one has said anything directly to me, but I did stumble upon a comment someone left elsewhere saying that one of my fics wasn't their thing because they "[didn't] like how the story is being told".

That really hurt at the time, especially as there was no other context as to why they felt that way. But my friends gave me encouragement and support.

Please be aware that anything you say online can eventually find it's way to the author, so please be kind.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I don't, sorry.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Not really. I've written crossovers featuring characters from separate games in the same franchise before, but nothing that spans entirely different franchises

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I would be delighted if anyone enjoyed my work enough to want to translate it

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I would love to 💚

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Do Canon Character x Reader stories count? No?

Hmm... I can't think of any that would be my OTP. I generally prefer familial/platonic relationships, tbh

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

None of my WIPs are abandoned. But probably most of the original stories I've started and then never finished over the years. It's just much harder for me to maintain motivation when I don't have anyone reading my work and cheering me on.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I've always loved painting a scene or an emotion with words.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Oof, so many 😅 one thing I struggle with is wanting to post what I've written straight away. Sometimes that can work, like freshly baked bread. But most of the time it's like a plain cake: it needs time to cool, and then be assembled/decorated/finished in order to get the best experience from it.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I'd only do it if I was totally confident that I'd gotten it right. A common or short phrase would be my limit otherwise. If I really wanted to write dialogue in another language, I'd ask someone fluent in the language to help me with the translation and proof read my work.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I think it was actually Legend of Zelda. I was about 12, and my brother, his friend and I made ourselves LoZ Ocarina of Time OCs. We started writing a fic of them, but never got very far.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Probably Photograph. I'm a sucker for a moving reunion scene, and that fic genuinely brought tears to my eyes as I was writing it.

No pressure tags (I'm going to try to avoid tagging anyone that @/hikamaus already tagged 😅) : @sneakyfox55 @hannah-heartstrings @lizzie-tempest @robanilla @thebeckster and anyone else that would like to have a go 💚