#when i tell you i was sobbing while making this gifset

[thefrsers]

For your sake, I will continue. Though for mine alone, I would not.

[airenyah]

A LOOK AT STYLE'S JOURNEY | Ep 6

(Overview | Ep1+2 | Ep3 | Ep4 | Ep5 | Ep7)

I meant to post this on January 1st since we didn't get a new episode that day, but then I got distracted making gifsets and writing other meta. Oh, and I was also busy finally watching the show with my mother. Whoops. But my thoughts on episode 6 are finally here! ENJOY <3

Pronoun situation: As usual, just assume Fadel and Style use the rude guu/mueng with each other unless I point out a significant pronoun switch.

To recap: Style has spent all of last episode coming to terms with the fact that he was falling in love with someone who regularly kills people. By the end of the episode he has come to a conscious decision that he wants to be with Fadel no matter what. Fadel ends up spending the night in Style's bed where they have a significant conversation about trust before they make love. "Making love", because love is finally most definitely involved in the act.

No. 1: Morning Cardio

It's the morning after and probably the very first morning in their relationship that they wake up together. They bicker and Style finally gets his morning cardio in. All is good, all is well, everyone is happy, no one is sad. I desperately try to repress any memories of how this episode ends in order to get through this scene without sobbing. I end up crying anyway as I think about how the first time they hooked up Fadel abandoned Style on the floor of a cold, dark room after punching him in the gut and now Fadel is lying on top of Style, cuddling and kissing him in a warm room filled with the brightest sunshine.

Anyway, so Fadel wakes up Style who really doesn't want to get up yet. Fadel chides Style for not setting an alarm. But Style won't lie there and get scolded again and so he immediately scolds Fadel back: "I told you to hold back and you didn’t listen to me, either." And since everyone loves the language tidbits so much, here is the literal translation of the "I told you to hold back" part:

Last night I told you to stop เมื่อคืนอ่ะ กูบอกให้มึงหยุด [mêuua keun - àh • guu - bòk - hâi mueng - yùt] last night - [particle] • I - tell - for you to - stop

As grumpy as Style is about being woken up and having to get out of bed, there's a lot of amusement in his voice when he says this and his facial expression is also warm as he looks at Fadel. But then he closes his eyes again and immediately goes back to being a little morning grump as he dramatically laments that his body is sore and that he oh so sadly can't go to work. Fadel is now so relaxed around Style that he finally starts cracking jokes and playing along with Style's antics, offering to take Style to the hospital while trying to scoop Style up bridal style (haha. style. 🤭) in order to take him just there. But it's too early in the day for these games and Style really does not wanna leave the bed just yet. And so he impatiently complains about Fadel trying to carry him, and then explains: "I was just being overdramatic." In Thai, the word that was translated as "overdramatic" is สำออย [săm-oi] which my native speaker friend defined as "pretending to be weak about something" and explained that it's a negative word that is mostly used to make sarcastic remarks. That would certainly fit with Style's slight morning grumpiness. I also looked up the word on thai2english which defines the word as following:

[to] look for sympathy (by acting excessively sad or crying)

Style wasn't exactly crying when he complained about his body being sore, but he sure was looking for sympathy. So he clarifies that he was only pretending and that Fadel didn't need to maneuver him out of bed and then goes on to say: "I know you’re like a block of walking ice, but you should learn to read between the lines." In Thai Style uses the word อารมณ์ [ah-rom] here which translates to "mood" or "feeling" or "emotion":

An ice wall like you should learn to read other people's mood/emotions. กำแพงน้ำแข็งแบบมึงอ่ะหัดอ่านอารมณ์คนอื่นบ้าง [gam-paeng náam kăeng - bàep - mueng - àh - hàt - àan - aa-rom - kon èun - bâang] ice wall - like - you - [particle] - practice - read - mood, emotion - others - some

And Style's current mood is "staying in bed" and "wanting to be babied". The message finally reaches Fadel and he pushes Style back onto the pillow. He props himself up above Style and comes back to what Style was saying about his muscles being sore. "They say we should hit it right where it hurts. It’s like exercising. That’s how your body builds stronger muscles." Style responds with a challenge: "Thanks for the trivia, but I don’t see why you’re telling me this." In Thai he actually phrases it like a question:

[...] but what are you telling me this for? แต่บอกกูเพื่ออะไรเนี่ย [dtàe - bòk - guu - pêuua à-rai - nîia] but - tell - I/me - what for, why - [particle]

(Alt. translation: But why are you telling me this?)

I personally prefer it phrased as a question because it makes the challenge a little more direct. With the exception of rhetorical questions, a question encourages a response. With Style phrasing it like a question, Fadel is pretty much obliged to respond because a question is expected to be followed by an answer. And the answer is? "You need to exercise daily."

Fadel leans down and starts pampering Style with kisses. By now Style's morning grumpiness has faded away completely and is replaced by contentment instead as the lyrics "And now I'm yours / All yours, baby / Now I'm yours" play. Now they are officially each other's. They are officially in love.

No. 2: Awkward Encounters

Unexpectedly, Style's dad returns from his fishing trip just in time to catch Fadel leaving the garage. Style walks in on his dad having a very awkward interview with Fadel and comes to Fadel's rescue. By now Style is much more awake and in a considerably brighter mood than he was right after waking up. His dad immediately starts teasing him about Fadel, but Style isn't having it. He shoots his dad down by calling Fadel his "friend" (part of me wonders if he does that because maybe Fadel and Style haven't really discussed how open/official they wanna be with their relationship outside their inner circle of KB/FS and he doesn't just wanna drop the news to his dad without checking in with Fadel first), he lets his dad know he is being embarrassing and then gently sends Fadel away, releasing him from this very uncomfortable situation that he was suddenly trapped in. And I just adore the way Style stares after Fadel, watching him leave without tearing away his gaze:

Even when his dad starts making a teasing sound, Style takes a moment to fully process that his dad is talking to him while he himself is too busy looking at Fadel and having his attention and thoughts fully on his boyfriend. It's only when his dad starts speaking properly that Style finally turns his head towards him. His dad continues to tease him but even with Fadel gone, Style still isn't in the mood for it and quickly changes the topic to his dad's fishing tip. And their ensuing banter is very endearing because you can just clearly tell how important Style's dad is to him and how much they genuinely like each other. And a little detail I also love is how Style's dad wears a vest similar to the one Style wears later in this episode.

(Btw, y'all, Style stares after Fadel for so long that I had to go with using only every 3rd frame to make the gif fit in the 8mb size limit. That's how long Style stares for jgkdkjfdg)

Side quest: To Play or Not to Play

Now, if you read my previous metas and especially my ep3 meta you'll know that I've been arguing for Style not actually being into sleeping around all that much. Now, you could take Style's dad asking Fadel "Are you his one-time thing or are you taking him seriously?" as confirmation that Style is a player after all. However, I still don't think so. First of all, I'm not gonna believe it until Style has said it himself and even more importantly his actions and behavior also convince me otherwise (considering how many lies all the characters in this series constantly tell) and second of all, I'm not sure Style's dad himself actually knows whether his son sleeps around or not. After all, this is the same man who only the other week said "I forgot you like men". And also the way he was so surprised about seeing an unfamiliar face coming out of his house lets me think that Style usually doesn't have any random over-night visitors. Not to mention his dad being surprised about Style's type ("Oh, well, who’d have guessed that’s your type?").

And all that isn't to say Style never has a one-night stand. I'm just saying, I don't think it happens on a regular basis. As I said in my ep3 meta, I think Style makes very deliberate choices of who he sleeps with and that is also confirmed in episode 5 when Style mentions how his dad tried to set him up with some mechanics but Style wanted to be able to choose for himself. If Style does have one-night stands, it seems like he either never brings them home or he simply just doesn't sleep around often enough for his dad to be in any way used to it. Personally, I think it's the latter. I think Style gets picky about who he sleeps with, because to him sex matters (as discussed in my ep4 meta as well).

Oh, and also in Thai the dad uses the expression หลอกฟัน [lòk fan] which is a colloquial phrase which my native speaker friend explained as "to trick someone into sex". And by the way, Style himself uses that exact expression in episode 4 at the Rise Up meeting when he bitches about getting nailed and bailed. And now I'm a bit angry at myself that I felt too awkward to ask about this phrase back when I was writing my ep4 meta, because the "tricking" connotation of this phrase definitely adds some nuance to Style's anger in episode 4. But coming back to episode 6, I think Style's dad isn't necessarily saying this because of his son's potential love life habits and it's more him being a bit of a protective dad who wants to make sure the people his son keeps company with aren't gonna cause heartbreak to his son.

No. 3: Make the Most of It

Style and Kant meet for a drink and Kant gets right to the point: "If they really decided to carry out their operation tomorrow, and got arrested by Captain, what should we do?" Style doesn't like the thought of Fadel (and Bison) being arrested and suggests a solution: "Let's stop them." Kant reminds him that he can't just walk up to Bison and outright tell him to abandon the mission and Style agrees that Kant would not make it out of that situation alive. "Unless you leave him right now", Style says. Or more literally:

Unless you get out of his life from now on. นอกจากมึงจะออกจากชีวิตไบซันตั้งแต่ตอนนี้ [nôk jàak - mueng - já - òhk jàak - chii-wít - Bison - dtâng-dtàe - dton-níi] apart from, except - you - will - depart, leave - life - Bison - since, from - (right) now

It's not like the literal translation is a big difference from the official translation, but I just thought "leave his life" sounds more dramatic and I'm sure some of you will appreciate this little tidbit of info as well.

Style doesn't know if Kant can simply just just get out of Bison's life or not but what Style does know is that he himself certainly can't just drop out of Fadel's life to never see him again: "But as for me, I’m getting kinda attached to Fadel". Or what he actually says:

But to be honest, I've already begun to worry about Fadel. แต่เอาจริงๆ กูเริ่มเป็นห่วงฟาเดลแล้วนะ [dtàe - ao jing jing • guu - rêum - bpen hùuang - Fadel - láew - ná] but - honestly, seriously - I - begin - be worried - Fadel - already - [particle]

Thai doesn't have verb tenses, so I think a possible translation would also be "I'm beginning to worry about Fadel". Personally, I think present perfect tense is more fitting, since last episode Style already told Kant "I’m beginning to worry about him now", which – something I missed it in my ep5 meta in my hurry to finish before episode 6 dropped and have since added to the post – but what Style says in reality in episode 5 is:

I'm worrying about him now. ตอนนี้กูเป็นห่วงฟาเดลแล้วว่ะ [dton-níi - guu - bpen hùuang - Fadel - láew - wâ] now - I - be worried - Fadel - already - [particle]

(Alt. translation: I'm worried about him now.)

In episode 5 Style says nothing about "beginning to" worry, no, in episode 5 he clearly states that he is already worrying about Fadel and so I think it makes sense to interpret his statement in episode 6 as "I've started to worry about Fadel", since it's something that began in the past (episode 5) and is still ongoing as of this point.

Anyway, so Style questions if Kant would be able to get out of Bison's life and lets him know I myself can't get out of Fadel's life now that I've started to worry about him. We immediately see proof of his worry as he practically begs Kant to hurry up with getting the boss behind everything arrested so that this mess can finally come to an end. And once again we see that Style is quite the optimist: "Those two will be free, and we can go on with our lives."

I think it's not just optimism that led Style to say this words, but also bit of wishful thinking and most importantly, a lot of hope. He is well aware that the situation is messy and difficult, but he still hopes, hopes for the best, hopes for a happy ending for them all. There's gotta be a way, right? If Captain Christ only wants their boss, then everything will be fine, right? But Kant reminds him of the bitter reality: "You think Captain would let them walk? They kill people for a living. If they ain’t shot dead on the spot, they’d at least get a life sentence."

I think deep down Style already knew this, but actually hearing it out loud hits different. I think it's only now that it truly sinks in for him that it will likely be the very last time he'll get to spend time with Fadel. Style sinks back into the bench, looking miserable. Kant moves over to Style's bench to comfort him: "We can only make the most of what we have now." For once, Style isn't in the mood to talk. He grabs his drink, clinks cans with Kant, and they both try to wash away their worries with beer. It's not helping. Style stares dejectedly into the air.

No. 4: Please Don't Be Mad

(Side note: in my ep3 meta I couldn't quite tell if Style went to the bar to purposely seek out Fadel or not, and well, I have my answer now hahaha)

Just like Style already mentioned to Kant and to us, him and Fadel are spending their evening at the heavy metal bar. Fadel tells him that this is the first time that he didn't come to the bar alone and Style tells him "Happiness shared is happiness doubled". Style is serious, he really means it. He is here because he wants Fadel to be happy, wants them to be happy together. Fadel makes heart eyes at him. Style gives a little smile back. Fadel gets the tickets. The ticket seller informs them that the band will be playing for the last time. Style looks serious again. The band isn't the only one having a last time. The ticket seller continues: "It’s gonna be a memorable night." Style looks towards the ground. This hits different for him. "You’re right," he finally says, "for me, tonight is certainly going to be a memorable night." And again, his tone is serious. His words hold a certain weight to them, he really means what he says with all his heart. Then he looks at Fadel. Style was speaking to the ticket seller as he was saying this, but really, it's a message to Fadel. I'm going to remember this night, he says, I'm going to remember you. Style may not be able to tell Fadel about how this will potentially be their last night together, but at least he can be honest about his feelings. This night matters to Style, and it matters a lot. The knowledge of this possibly being a goodbye weighs on him and we can tell by the way just how serious Style has been throughout this short sequence. Not the loud, bubbly boy that we've all grown to love. I think Fadel can also tell that something is off about Style, because he raises his eyebrows at him and stares at him quizzically for a moment before he turns to enter the bar. Style follows him.

Once inside, Style is looking rather tense. There is something on his mind that he needs to confess but that he struggle to say. In the end it does burst out of him. "I don’t really like heavy metal," he shouts in the middle of a heavy metal bar. It makes for a funny moment, but Style is clearly distraught. Fadel says he already knew that and Style is relieved that Fadel isn't angry. Now, I've had some thoughts about this.

I'm not sure this confession was really about Style's music preferences at all. It kinda reminds me of how, remember episode 5 of Bad Buddy when Pat "confessed" to Ink, but it wasn't really about his feelings for her at all but rather Ink and that confession served as a stand-in so that he could get the weight off his chest without having to open the real can of worms? Yeah, I think we have something somewhat similar happening here. Now I do very much think Style was absolutely telling the truth when he said he doesn't like heavy metal music. After all, we did see him jamming out to a song that was very much not heavy metal music, so the content of his confession definitely wasn't a lie. But I do think it served as a bit of a stand in for all the things Style CAN'T confess to right now. And there is a lot that Style could and should and probably also kind of wants to be confessing to: the fact that he knows of what Fadel does, the fact that Kant has informed the police of Fadel and Bison's next mission, the fact that said police will be awaiting the brothers there, the fact that this will likely be Style and Fadel's very last night together. Not to mention the fact that Style hit on him for a car before he fell in love for real. But as Kant pointed out earlier that day when they were having a drink together... It's not like they can just walk up to the brothers and just say it. The brothers are killers after all. And in a way, I think Style's confession serves not just as an attempt to be more honest with Fadel but also as a way to assess how Fadel will react if he learns that Style actively lied to him.

Style looks almost a bit too upset and guilty for it to be just about his music preferences after the truth is out of his mouth.

The situation is a bit awkward, because he ends up yelling it loudly in a room full of heavy metal fans, but I don't think he really cares about that more than a whoops in this moment, because what really matters is: "You’re not mad at me, are you?" There is so much urgency to it, his expression kind of pleading:

I'm sorry that I wasn't being honest with you. You're not mad at me, right? You're not mad that I lied to you, right? Please don't be angry with me. Style is so very stressed about this. Fadel's reaction is important.

And Fadel? Is not angry that Style lied. In fact, to Style's surprise, Fadel actually already knew the truth about him (foreshadowing, anyone? 👀). Style is veeery relieved about this:

มึงไม่โกรธอ่ะ กูก็สบายใจแล้ว [mueng - mâi - gròht - àh • guu - gôr - sà-baai jai - láew] you - not - angry - [particle] • I - [sentence link] - happy, pleased - already

In the subtitles Style says "All I want to know is that you’re not mad at me" here. I checked the original line with a native speaker friend who translated it as "You're not mad, then I'm relieved" (and if you put the Thai line into Google Translate it also spits out "If you're not angry, I'll be relieved") which I think matches what Dunk is portraying here through his body and his facial expression a lot better. However, the official English translation summarizes the whole point of the confession very nicely: all Style wants to know is how Fadel will react to the fact that Style actively lied to him and he's desperately hoping that Fadel won't be angry to find out the truth.

And then Fadel isn't angry. And tells him that he wants to see the real Style. Style tilts his head at him, not looking entirely convinced despite the huge relief just now. There is still a lot Style is currently keeping from Fadel, things that are a much bigger deal than his music preferences. Style is still keeping truths from Fadel, still lying to him. And then Fadel drops: "But still, liars should be punished." This has Style genuinely stressed again. There is almost a bit of fear in his voice when he inquires what the punishment will be as he reluctantly lets Fadel drag him away. Style now knows that Fadel won't be angry at him for lying, but there will be consequences (a punishment) (again: will this be foreshadowing? 👀).

No. 5: Fake Fan

Turns out Fadel's punishment isn't all that scary after all, even if Style isn't too hyped about it. Nevertheless, he patiently sits there and lets Fadel paint his face without stopping him. But no matter his patience, Style still can't let Fadel do this without at least a verbal protest. He points out that that Fadel isn't wearing face paint either and is almost kind of offended. YOU aren't wearing any so why are you making ME do it? Style then questions if Fadel even has the skills for what he's doing. Unlike before, Fadel now easily gives up information about himself to Style without hesitation: "I used to wear the same makeup as my favorite band."

A major running theme that we've had going on over several episodes now is how Style keeps trying to get Fadel to loosen up and to have fun. We saw this happening in episode 1 already when Style tried to get Fadel to play along when he made him get the pin off his shirt himself (which actually happened even before Kant made Style hit on Fadel). We saw it in episode 2 when Style pretended they were on a cooking show and provided commentary while Fadel was preparing a customer's food. We saw it in episode 3, when Style follows Fadel to the heavy metal bar for the first time and tried to get Fadel to party and to scream a little. We saw it in episode 5 when Style convinced Fadel to wear the matching couple shirts, pulled him into a dance, and even got him to sing karaoke. And what's more, we've also seen Style trying to get Fadel to socialize. And yeah, of course a lot of what Style was saying and implying about Fadel doing things with Style specifically he said because he was actively hitting on Fadel, but I do think he genuinely meant it when he said things like "But some things are better done together" (episode 2, sports field) or "How’d [having a good time all by yourself] even work? You need someone to 'scream' with" (episode 3, heavy metal bar).

So Style has been trying to coax Fadel out of his shell pretty much since the beginning, has been trying to get him to just enjoy life, has been trying to pull him out of his loneliness. And he's doing it again here: the moment Style learns of Fadel's old hobby, Style immediately suggests Fadel paints his face too. Matching make-up for the two of them. It's something that Fadel clearly enjoys and also they'll do it together. Obviously. Because some things are better done together. And happiness shared is happiness doubled. But Fadel refuses, because he never lets anyone see him with band make-up on.

Edit: There is so much going on here in this scene that I totally forgot to mention a very important language note (and I'm really mad at myself that I didn't catch my mistake before publishing this meta): the word for make-up/putting make -up on is แต่ง [dtàeng] which also means "to marry". So when Style says "Then you should put some makeup on, too" it actually also sounds like he is saying "Will you marry me, then?", which is why Fadel suddenly stops and looks up at him. Make of that double meaning what you will 🤭

After that we get even more running themes: only moments ago Fadel said "I want to see the real you", but this is something that goes vice versa for Style as well. In episode 5 he told Fadel "I promise that no matter who you are, I’ll still like you" and while this was mostly in reference to Fadel's secret hitman identity, this sentiment counts for everything else about Fadel too. And if Fadel enjoys wearing his favorite band's make-up, then Style will also like him for that. Style wants see Fadel's real him and he wants Fadel to be the real him, to live the real him. "How long are you going to live someone else’s life?"

And it's not just that. After episode 5 I was discussing the double date scene with @secriden in our DMs and she talked about how Style was giving Fadel a safe space to participate in all that socializing by being even sillier than Fadel so that Fadel didn't have to be embarrassed about dancing silly dances or wearing silly couple shirts. And I think the very same thing is going on here. Fadel never lets the public see his painted face, whether it's out of fear or embarrassment or something else. And Style offers for them to wear matching make-up. "Try just being someone you want to be," he says, "We’ll do it together." Fadel isn't alone in this, Style is right here, by his side, with him. A safe space. "There’s nothing to be afraid of." Not if Fadel is with Style. Style will support whoever Fadel is underneath his thick, icy walls no matter what. Style is set on it. And tonight, potentially their very last night together, Style will gladly wear make-up for Fadel and Fadel will wear make-up too for his own happiness. They'll do it together and there is nothing to fear when Style is with him. Well? How about it?

Fadel is quiet. He lets Style grab his face and paint on him. Style gives Fadel an encouraging nod, like See? It's not that bad. It's not that scary. I'm right here with you. Be happy. Be you. I love you.

Now, the tear tracks that Style draws on Fadel's face are obviously foreshadowing to how this episode is going to end with Fadel crying because of Style's "betrayal". But honestly, the very first time I watched it? This foreshadowing went right over my head. Admittedly, I was also running on just 3h of sleep that day because I'd been up all night finishing my ep5 meta so I could post it before the new episode dropped and took a 3h nap around noon, so that might have also been a factor in that, but yeah, it totally didn't occur to me that the episode could end in Fadel's real tears (not sure if that made the last scene better or worse tbh). No, the thought that I had instead while watching the episode for the first time was: "Are those the tears that Fadel never got/gets to cry?" And to be honest, I do hope later down the line we'll get a scene where Fadel finally lets it all out, let's out all the pain from all the trauma(s) he's been through while Style is right by his side, supporting him through it, is there for him. Because they'll do this together and Style will always be ready to happily offer and create a safe space for Fadel, just like he did in episode 5 when he was asking Fadel about his parents or when he was trying to get Fadel to let lose and dance a little in the bowling alley or now when he's offering to wear matching make-up with Fadel. And when Fadel cries (and I hope he will cry, and not just from Style's "betrayal"), then Style will offer a safe space for Fadel to cry in, too.

No. 6: (Bitter)Sweet Happiness

Both in make-up, they now proceed to have the time of their lives at the concert, smiling the brightest smiles. They even get to take selfies with the band. Fadel is happy, and so is Style. I think this may actually be the most carefree we've seen Fadel in the entire series so far and it's all thanks to Style.

After the concert they end up standing by a glass window. "Thanks for coming with me," Fadel says and Style looks at him with the warmest, most loving, most adoring expression.

Of course Style accompanied him here. He had promised Fadel in episode 3 already that he would make Fadel 'scream' at some point (that is to have fun, basically) and now they're both here, Fadel is having a good time, and Style is happier and more in love than he could ever have imagined. Fadel continues his little thank you speech: "If it weren’t for you, I’d probably have sat alone over there." Style knows this very well. He saw him sit all by himself last time, refusing to have fun with Style. He saw Fadel stand by himself in the crowd. And even then he was of the opinion that "You’re supposed to have fun with your friends at a place like this". And now Fadel is here. Having fun with him. And there is absolutely no need for Fadel to thank Style, because just getting to see Fadel smile makes Style happy already.

However, as the night is coming to an end the happiness Style has been feeling is overshadowed by the knowledge of what is about to happen next. It's overshadowed by the knowledge that this is almost certainly the last time they'll get to spend time with each other like this. "You wanna come over tonight?" Style asks, "I want to cuddle you to sleep." He doesn't want this night to end. He wants to hold on to Fadel just a little longer, wants to hold him for as long as possible before all of this is over. And best case-scenario, he also manages to stop Fadel from going on the mission like he suggested when he was getting drinks with Kant.

He looks at Fadel with hopeful eyes. But Fadel declines. Style's dad is home and besides, Fadel's got work tomorrow. Work? This has Style listening up. He seizes the opportunity, just like he did back in episode 5 on the floor of the garage. He starts subtly grilling Fadel: "Grocery shopping? I’ll help." Which, by the way, is actually: "The market? I can go with you."

ตลาดหรอ เดี๋ยวกูไปด้วยได้นะ [dtà-làat - rŏr • dĭieow - guu - bpai - dûuay - d^^ai - ná] market - ? • moment - I - go - too, with - can - [particle]

And that makes me cry a little, because the market one of their spots by now. Like, of course Style would gladly go to the market with Fadel. But Fadel isn't going to the market. He tells Style he's doing something else. But Style already knows exactly what Fadel is doing and where he's going. Once again Style tries to get Fadel to spill the truth: "You’re doing a lot of second jobs, aren’t you? What else do you do besides working as a host? You can tell me. I won’t judge." I promise you I won't judge you for being a hitman. I already know this and I'm cool with it. And if you would just SAY it out loud already then I could tell you not to go through with the mission tomorrow. Then I could keep you by my side just a little longer. Please tell me. Style looks at Fadel with big eyes, full of hope and encouragement.

But Fadel does not say what Style wants him to say. Style is disappointed.

He leans back against the glass wall, upset. In the gif on the right it actually almost looks like he could start crying any moment now:

Fadel is confused, but amused, assuming Style is probably just being his usual overdramatic self. He laughs and asks Style what's wrong. Style side-eyes him, still upset and pouting.

This is potentially the last time they'll be together. Tomorrow Fadel will probably get arrested. Tomorrow Fadel will probably be taken away from him. And he can't even talk about it. Can't even stop him from going.

Fadel continues on:

You act like we're not going to see each other again just because we won't be spending the night together. แค่ไม่ได้นอนด้วยกันเองทำอย่างจะไม่ได้เจอกันอีก [kâe - mâi dâai - nawn - dûuay gan - eng - tam - yàang - jà - mâi dâai - jer gan - ìig] only - not - sleep - together - just - do - like - will - not - meet/see each other - again

Style might not be able to outright tell Fadel that he's acting like that because they actually, for real may very well never see each other again when the night is over, but at least he can try to be as honest about his feelings as possible: "It’s been a good night. I don’t want it to end." I don't want to say goodbye. Fadel tries to console him. "When I’m back, there’ll be more nights like this." Style so badly wants to believe him.

He looks at Fadel with big, hopeful eyes. You promise? Fadel nods. And I think, despite Style knowing that the police will interrupt Fadel's mission and that it won't go smoothly and will likely end in his arrest, I think despite all that deep down Style holds Fadel to that promise. And we can once again see how optimistic and especially how hopeful of a person he is. Now matter how bleak the situation seems right now, Fadel has promised to come back and Fadel has promised that they'll have more nights full of happiness together. And a promise is a promise, right? You can't simply just break it. And so Style hopes for the best. He might not be able to get him to stay but at least Fadel will be back. Because he promised.

They seal that promise with a kiss. And it's interesting, because Style doesn't immediately close his eyes when Fadel goes to kiss him but instead looks at him for a moment longer. And then his eyes keep fluttering open for a moment. It's almost as if he can't tear his eyes away from Fadel, as if he can't help but use every opportunity to look at Fadel, to catch every last glimpse of Fadel while he still has the opportunity to do so. They break apart and Fadel tells Style that he's (also) very happy tonight and Style (re)confirms his own happiness. They lean their foreheads against each other. And again, Style can't really close his eyes and fully sink into the moment the way Fadel can. It's like he tries to close his eyes but they keep fluttering open a second later because he just can't keep his eyes away from Fadel, is compelled to keep looking at him while he still can, while Fadel is still right there with him. And even when they break away from each other and turn to look out of the window towards the stage, it takes Style a couple of seconds to tear his eyes away from Fadel, who is already looking elsewhere:

After they've turned around, their hands find each other. And I think in that moment Style really needs that support through his distress and I think Fadel can feel it, even if he can't figure out what exactly is up with Style and why he is acting the way he's acting.

No. 7: Moving On

Fadel and Bison's mission has passed. Kant's brother nearly got caught in the crossfire. Kant wonders if Bison saved Babe. Kant guesses that Bison saved him. With that he also implies that if Bison was the one saving Babe (since Bison is the one who actually knows and recognizes Kant's brother), the one taking the shot must've been Fadel, implying that Fadel would have injured or killed Babe. But Style, who has been spending a lot of time with Fadel and has slowly been getting to know the real Fadel underneath all those walls, just can't imagine Fadel would shoot a random kid. When he asks Kant "You think Fadel would shoot Babe?" it's definitely in defense of Fadel. And that's interesting, because so far he's always been supportive of his bestie and his investigations. He hasn't always been happy about it, but he still never fought Kant about it. This is the first time we see Style actively go against Kant to stand on Fadel's side instead.

Style continues: "You think he knows you’re a snitch?" I think this is partly still a bit of an attack on Kant in his defense of Fadel in the sense of What, does Fadel to have a reason to kill your brother because you did a shitty job staying undiscovered? and partly a genuine question to find out if Fadel would actually have a motive to shoot Babe on the off chance that he did mean to do that. Not that Style actually believes that, though.

Kant says no and says that his work is over and that he's done being a snitch. This should be good news to Style, but Style doesn't look very comforted. In fact, Style barely acknowledges Kant's words. His mind is somewhere else, is with someone else. "I want to see Fadel." Once again we aren't simply just told through text that Style worries about Fadel but we are also shown. And on top of worrying, Style also misses him.

As so often when Style expresses genuine care and attachment to Fadel, Kant immediately disapproves: "Style! You have to get over it. You can’t ever get together with him. Move on." In Thai, Kant uses the word ตัดใจ [dtàt-jai] when he says "get over it". Thai2english defines this as:

to part with something, to give up something (somewhat unwillingly)

Style is unwilling to give Fadel up. He can't part with Fadel, no matter how much he knows he should if he wants to get out of that mess of a situation. "It’ll become a funny story," Kant says, but Style isn't laughing. He is miserable.

No. 8: Will They or Won't They (Come Back)

Fadel and Bison's mission hasn't gone to plan (neither for them, nor for the police), they've gone completely MIA and our two remaining love struck boys that were left behind now stop by the restaurant in the hopes of meeting them there in person if they're already not picking up their phones. However, Style and Kant find the restaurant abandoned as well. Style looks a little disappointed when he states that the diner is closed, but he's not necessarily all that surprised and he is definitely very concerned. Kant walks away from him to check the inside through the windows just in case and Style follows him. They run into the black cat and end up having a little chat.

And what's interesting about it is that during that little chat Style isn't even all that depressed, despite still not having any clue whatsoever about Fadel's whereabouts. In fact, he actually sounds kind of cheerful when he asks and talks about the cat, unlike in the scene before where he was simply just miserable. Style's tone as well as his expression do both get more serious when he says "I guess [the cat] misses Bison, then. He’s a food source, after all", but no matter how troubled he is about the whole situation, no matter how worried he is about Fadel's well-being and no matter how much he misses him, he won't let himself wallow in misery.

Kant says "Why do I have a feeling that this isn’t over? They can’t run forever, that’s for sure. If they haven’t completed their mission, they will definitely come back" and once again we see Style's optimism and bright outlook on life when he replies "I guess you’re right. Before things went down, you saw how attached they were to us". But similarly to the scene in the beginning when they were having drinks, Kant comes back with some realism: "No matter how much you love someone, you gotta prioritize saving your own butts, right?" Style thinks about it for a moment and raises his eyebrows like Yeah, I guess that's true...

Once again, his expression gets more serious and his smile fades but we know he's not giving up any hope of meeting Fadel again whatsoever, because he'll be back in a week to check on the restaurant again. And let's be real, the series might not have shown this to us but we all know Style went to the diner every single day of that week. Possibly even multiple times a day.

No. 9: Something Special to Eat

A week later and we see Style checking on the restaurant again, this time without Kant. And to his surprise and utter joy, the lights are on! Fadel is back and he looks well! Style stares at him through the window, breathes a small huff of relief, then shakes his head a little like he can't believe his eyes, like he can't believe that what he is seeing is real. As I mentioned before, I'm absolutely convinced Style went to the restaurant every single day for the past week and now it turns out that he was right not to give up, not to lose hope, to stay optimistic like he always is. Style's joy about Fadel's return manifests in his whole entire body as he hops and skips through the restaurant doors.

Once inside, Fadel doesn't seem surprised to see him. He doesn't even say hello, but immediately opens up with the words: "I was thinking of going to your place. But you were more impatient than me, huh?"

Language side note, for all you language nerds out there... In Thai the "you were more impatient" is actually only implied, not explicitly stated:

I haven't gotten round to go see you yet. กูยังไม่ทันไปหามึงเลย [guu - yang - mâi tan - bpai hăa - mueng - loiie] I - yet - not be able to (do sth in/on time) - go visit - you - [particle] You came running to see me. มึงมาหากูซะละ [mueng - maa hăa - guu - sá - lá] you - come visit - I/me - [particle] - [particle]

(For the second sentence I decided to translate it as "you came running" because the particle ซะ [sá] can imply that the action should be done quickly. And Style did come running very quickly the moment Fadel was back.)

And when Style replies "Where have you been?" his words are also a little more dramatic in the original, as is fit for his personality:

Where did you disappear to for so long? มึงหายไปไหนตั้งนานอ่ะ [mueng - hăai bpai - năi - dtâng naan - àh] you - disappear - where - for a long time - [particle]

(It's basically "Where have you been for so long?")

A whole week is a long time to not see your boyfriend, especially when you know something bad has happened and you have no idea if he's alright or not. And so Style rightly complains. Fadel says that his phone broke and that he had to change both his phone and his number. Style throws him an almost disappointed look. He knows that this is a lie (or at least the "my phone broke" part probably is. Fadel might have had to change his number for real when he went into hiding). And more importantly, it only explains why Fadel wasn't replying to his texts. It does not answer Style's question of "where have you been?" and so Style is left none the wiser. Fadel says that he was busy and Style continues to complain: "And you didn’t think to contact me a little? I was worried sick about you, you know?" And we saw that. We got to see how Style was worrying when he was longing to see Fadel after hearing how Babe nearly got injured and we saw it when Style checked the restaurant at the very least two times, once with Kant and once by himself (and let's be real, he definitely went more than twice, we just didn't get to witness it). We see it even now in the way he complains to Fadel about him ignoring Style for a full week. Style thought he was saying goodbye to Fadel at the concert because the police would be ripping Fadel away from him but then that didn't actually happen because Fadel managed to escape and Style spent a full week worrying about him, missing him, longing to see him. And then Fadel is back and he's doing well and he didn't even think to tell Style about it. Style has every right to complain and Fadel should know it, too.

Fadel complains about Style's complaining and then offers to make him food like a peace offering and/or an apology. And fun fact, when he says "Anything you'd like to eat?" in Thai it's:

Anything special you wanna eat? อยากกินอะไรเป็นพิเศษป่ะล่ะ [yàak - gin - àrai - bpen pí-sèt - bpà - lâ] want - eat - anything - that is special - ? - [particle]

I'm telling you, when I heard Fadel say the words "eat" and "special" in the same sentence I immediately expected Style to say "you". I think I even said the word "you" at my screen when I watched the episode for the first time. And then Style DIDN'T. He just... didn't say it. When it was literally right there. I'm truly disappointed in him ngl.

Style does not say "you", instead he sits down and let's Fadel decide on the menu and compliments his cooking. Fadel is immediately sus about the sweet talking and asks: "Did you do something wrong?" Style doesn't know that this is a very pointed question, has absolutely no idea that Fadel is currently suspecting him of snitching to the police. "No," Style replies, but his voice doesn't sound entirely genuine. It's not a full lie but it's also not entirely sincere. Did he do anything wrong? It's hard to say. Technically he isn't the one to tip off the police so technically this isn't something he's done wrong. Style also knows a lot more than he should and that's also not something that he's necessarily doing wrong per se, but it's still something he's keeping from Fadel which could be considered wrong. And one could also say that not explicitly warning Fadel about how the police would be at their mission wasn't right. So technically there is something he did do wrong and that he could be feeling guilty about. No matter whether he really did do something wrong or not, Style chooses to deflect and distract anyway. And he changes the topic to something that really is completely true this time: "I just really missed you." Although, when he says "Is it so weird to get a little affectionate?" it's almost a bit of a challenge. Tell me again how I'm doing something wrong. Style continues: "You know, all this time apart really frustrated me." And there we finally have it. The "I want to eat you" bit.

I think at this point it's pretty obvious that Style is being genuine about his flirting, but I just wanna point out that what I noticed before about how Style acts when he truly wants Fadel continues to hold up: instead of being loud and performative, Style gets quiet, goes almost into a whisper by the end of the sentence. And he also gets handsy with Fadel. He reaches for Fadel's nipple specifically and it works. Fadel is very much distracted. But he stops Style because this is not something Fadel wants to do in the middle of his restaurant in front of a wall of glass windows (probably? Who knows with them 🤷🏼‍♀️). Fadel decides on making spaghetti for Style who approves and fondly smiles at Fadel. They keep holding on to each other's hands for as long as possible as Fadel turns around to walk off and I cry and then I cry some more about the way Style once again can't tear his eyes away from Fadel.

No. 10: Oh, I Wish That You Hadn't Pulled the Trigger

It's later in the evening, Style has presumably finished eating (and maybe Fadel, too?) and now they're both wiping down the restaurant. And once again we see something that I've been talking about for the last few episodes now: Style likes helping. Fadel explicitly tells him that he doesn't have to help and that Fadel will do it himself, so likely Style just grabbed the cloth and started wiping without a second thought while Fadel had his back turned. Because helping people is something that comes to Style naturally. He wants to help. And so he insists on continuing to help with the cleaning and, if it makes Fadel feel better about it, offers Fadel to think of it as payment for the free food.

And I know this meta is actually about Style, but I see Fadel watch Style for a moment after Style said that and I can't help but remember how Style was there in episode 3, helping Fadel out at the restaurant when Bison was nowhere to be found and now Style is here again, helping Fadel out at the restaurant without hesitation and of his own free will and I can't help but think that this is probably one of the things that Fadel has come to love about Style. Style is here and he helps and supports Fadel no questions asked. Which make the news he is about to hear even more painful. And right on cue, Fadel's phone rings.

Fadel steps outside to talk to Bison. In the meantime inside, Style moves on to wipe the next table. He lifts his head just in time to catch Fadel looking at him through the window. Style smiles at him fondly.

Style is so happy that Fadel is back, is so content to be around him. The night of the concert wasn't a goodbye after all. He had bid farewell to Fadel internally already but now he gets to have a new beginning after all. Style is overjoyed.

Then Fadel comes back inside, proceeds to turn on some music and Style is confused as to why he would do that. Fadel asks if he can't get romantic and Style calls him out for scolding him earlier about Style being too sweet and cheesy only to turn around all of a sudden and wanting to be romantic after all. Style has absolutely no idea that Fadel sees him in a completely different light now, but I think he can tell that something is kinda off and that the phone call might have had something to with Fadel's sudden change of mood. So Style asks what Bison said. And Style being Style who cares about his loved ones also wants to know if Bison is with Kant. Fadel confirms. Style comments that Bison probably missed Kant. And right after the sentence is out of his mouth, for just a split second before it cuts back to Fadel we can see a very pleased smile form on Style's face.

Bison wasn't the only one missing someone. Style was too. He was missing Fadel so very much and he was worried sick about him and now Fadel is back, Fadel is standing right in front of him in the flesh and everything is all good in this world. Of course, Style is pleased.

And then Fadel says "I also missed you". Style's eyes widen in surprise, his expression serious now. Ever since they officially started dating Fadel has been saying things like "we're on trial" and "I won't ever trust you 100%" and while he did admit to being very happy earlier in the episode at the concert, I think Style wasn't really expecting Fadel to suddenly be so open about his feelings, almost out of nowhere without any obvious triggers. But then Fadel continues his confession by telling Style that there is no one messing with him when Style isn't there. Ah, there he is, that old nagger that Style has come to love. A compliment that comes in the form of an insult. That's more like him. Style is amused and in a lovingly teasing, but also slightly serious tone asks if he's just an annoyance to Fadel and whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. Fadel is quick to assure him that it's a good thing: "Having someone to miss is good. It makes me want to go to the market and go jogging with the hopes of running into you."

Did you notice that I changed something in Fadel's wording just now? Because the official subs wrote "grocery shopping" instead of "the market" and once again I just don't understand the decision to translate it like that because the market is literally one of their spots!! It's not the action of grocery shopping that's important here, it's the place!!! Because Fadel is likely doing some of his grocery shopping at a supermarket too, but it's when he shops at the market place specifically where he has memories with Style!!!

In fact, let me just share Fadel's exact wording of the whole bit:

Having you to miss is a good thing. การมีมึงไว้ให้คิดถึงเนี่ยมันดีนะเว้ย [gaan mii - mueng - wái - hâi - kít-tĕung - nîia - man - dii - na wóiie] having - you - to - miss - [particle] - it - good - [particle] It makes me want to go to the market, มันทำให้กูอยากไปตลาด [man - tam hâi - guu - yàak - bpai - dtà-làat] it - make that - I - want - go - market go jogging in the morning, ไปวิ่งตอนเช้า [bpai - wîng - dton cháao] go - run, jog - in the morning because I'm hoping I'll get to meet you. เพราะหวังว่าจะได้เจอมึง [próh - wăng wâa - jà - dâai - jer - mueng] because - hope that - will - get to - meet - you

And also a little bit earlier when he tells Style "I’ve got no one messing with me when you’re not there":

Without you, there is no one messing up my life. ไม่มีมึงอ่ะ ไม่มีใครมาป่วนชีวิตกู [mâi mii - mueng - àh • mâi mii krai - maa - bpùuan - chii-wít - guu] without - you - [particle] • no one - come - be chaotic - life - I/my

This confession is a parallel to his "I hate that I don't hate you" confession: In episode 4 Fadel said "I don't like you messing up my life" and now in episode 6 he says "Without you, there is no one messing up my life". In episode 4 Fadel said "I don’t like myself when I look for you on the morning jog or at the market" and now in episode 6 Fadel says "It makes me want to go to the market and go jogging in the morning with the hopes of running into you". In episode 4 Fadel said "I don’t like that I miss you." and now in episode 6 he says "I've missed you. Having someone to miss is good."

It's his confession from episode 4 but this time it's romantic and Style even points it out very amusedly, but is also very happy about it: "Are we officially entering romantic territory?" Fadel says that he wants to do what lovers do and Style tells him "I don’t want you to do what you don’t want to do". Or in his exact wording:

I don't want you to do anything that isn't you. กูไม่อยากให้มึงทำอะไรที่ไม่ใช่ตัวเองนะเว้ย [guu - mâi - yâak - hâi - mueng - tam - arai - tîi - mâi châi - dtue eng - ná wóiie] I - not - want - that - you - do - anything - that - not - yourself

Fadel told him at the concert that he wanted to see the real Style, but the same goes the other way around. Style wants Fadel to be the real him, too. And he doesn't want him to do anything that isn't the real him. But Fadel replies:

But I can be like you want me to be. แต่กูสามารถเป็นอย่างที่มึงอยากให้กูเป็นได้ [dtàe - guu - săa-mâat - bpen - yàang - tîi - mueng - yàak - hâi - guu - bpen - dâai] but - I - be able to - be - like - that, which - you - want - for, to - I/me - be - be able to (cont.)

It's a loaded statement. And it has Style confused.

It's the exact opposite of what Style wants. Style wants Fadel to be himself, Style doesn't want him to live a life that Style tells him to live. Style doesn't understand and while there are questions written all over his face, he doesn't ask any of them out loud. He stays quiet and smiles a little in uncertainty (He's currently living through a happy little romantic moment with his boyfriend, right? Right?? That's definitely what's happening here, isn't it???) as he waits for Fadel to continue and to maybe elaborate. Fadel takes a step towards him and says:

I think... I already love you. กูว่า...กูรักมึงแล้วว่ะ [guu - wâa... guu - rák - mueng - láew - wâ] i - think... i - love - you - already - [particle]

(Alt. translations: "I think... I love you" or "I think... I love you now")

Style is delighted to hear these words. Distracted from his bemusement from only seconds ago he smiles a satisfied smile. He's been so open and honest about his own feelings and finally Fadel is opening up too and giving back. Style happily kisses Fadel in response.

He, too, loves Fadel. He loves him and he's missed him and he's been worried sick about him when he didn't hear from him for a full week and didn't know how he was doing and now Fadel is back, Fadel is well, they get to have more nights like the night of the concert together, they get to be together for longer than Style thought they would. Life is great.

After they part, they lean their foreheads against each other. When they did it at the concert, Style's eyes kept flickering to Fadel's face. Here at the diner Style can sink into the moment and into the touch a lot more now that he knows this isn't gonna be the last night he'll be together with Fadel. (I've hit image limit, but here's a parallel gifset.) He does look up at Fadel at one point, almost as if to check if Fadel is still there, that he is real, that this is not a dream. And maybe it's also to check on him, since he's been acting a bit weird since the phone call. But then Style closes his eyes again and sinks into the moment one more time, just like when Fadel leaned into him. The two move into a hug as they sway from side to side. Style can neither see nor feel Fadel's tears dropping onto his back.

Of course I'm gonna have to wait to see what future episodes bring before I can say for sure, but honestly speaking, I do think Style can kind of tell that something is off about Fadel after his phone call with Bison. Style immediately clocks that Fadel is behaving strange the moment Fadel turns on the music, Style calls Fadel out for suddenly being romantic when only shortly before that he was telling Style off for being sweet, he gets confused when Fadel goes "I can be like you want me to be" when that's the exact opposite of what Style has been asking for and there is also something in the way Style really sinks into the forehead touch but then his eyes open and flicker to Fadel as if he's checking on him (almost as if he was also checking that Fadel was still there and hasn't gone away again, as if Style can feel that Fadel is in the process of saying goodbye to him). Fadel is in a weird mood and that mood probably does reach Style. But the thing is, Style is missing a key piece of the puzzle and even if he can tell that something is off, to Style it still looks like a happy picture. To Style it still is a happy picture. And what Style doesn't know, but what we, the viewers, can very much see coming is that this happy illusion will burst soon enough.

[oddlittlestories]

So I just saw a Dexter gifset about him “not having a next level” and the reminder of how his empathy was handled vs. empathy & ethics in Woe.Begone slingshotted me into ✨Meta Brain Space✨ come into my Meta Danger Circle ⭕️

Disclaimer that I haven’t watched Dexter in a WHILE and I don’t remember a lot of specifics. Also I get a bit critical of Dexter here, so if it’s your fave ever, you might just skip this meta post and go listen to Woe.Begone instead bc I think you’ll like it.

Spoilers ahead.

I’ve tagged it too so you can go blacklist it if you don’t want Woe.Begone spoilers from s1e1-4.

Okay okay so Woe.Begone handles empathy in such such such a cool way. The main character, Mike Walters, tells everything in retrospect in a detached manner, describing how he was terrified / sobbing / etc. *at the moment*. It’s actually impossible for me to tell whether this character has low empathy or atypical expression of empathy.

Like when the challenge is to kill a pig:

goddamnit! I don’t wanna kill a pig! I mean, I know, I eat meat, specifically pork, and so I’ve just been outsourcing this exact labor for my whole life. I’m a hypocrite if I’m willing to let suffering happen as long as it’s just outside my eyeline, but f-fuck it! I can be a hypocrite. I’m worse shit than that all the time. I’m a liar, I’m a bad friend, I’m a shitty podcaster. Just throw “hypocrite” on the heap, it’ll fit right in.

This isn’t a perfect example but you can see how he has a detached approach to his own flaws that I’m not sure I’ve ever seen in a character.

In episode 2, he talks about himself. How he is with people.

[Mike:] I’m not always the best guy. I remember on my freshman floor in college, a new friend was on the phone with her parents, and she was talking about everyone she had just met. When she got to me she said,

MIKE [electronic voice effect]: “There’s the dude, Mike. He’s pretty cool. He’s not nice, but…”

MIKE [normal voice]: Woof. I’d like to think that I’ve done some self-reflection since then but have I really? I tend to bulldoze over other people and their needs and problems more than I should. And more than I would like, I would add. I don’t always like myself and I definitely don’t like when I figure out that I’ve done this. So, this could just be my reputation finally catching up with me… Or it could be WOE.BEGONE.

This feels so incredibly ND to me, especially paired with the flat tone he uses in the show (it’s not monotone, in fact it’s quite engaging, but it IS flat, you should listen to it if you haven’t)

And the show REFERENCES DEXTER. When Mike cuts off his own arm, he puts up plastic sheeting, because his main real reference for the brutal gory IS Dexter.

He decides to do horrible things for the sake of the game bc he decides he wants to win. He reminds himself that a person’s life is more important than feeling embarrassed.

And he goes on a (gentle) rant about how Dexter is a ridiculous show and the only reason he doesn’t get caught is because the PD in the show is ridiculously incompetent.

But having a show make deliberate parallels between Dexter and the MC by making the MC reference the show (even if not referring to the character). And it’s a show ABOUT a clearly ND person, possibly low empathy, deliberately making both ethical and unethical decisions (by his own framework). HOLY MOLY IT’S GIVING ME THE BRAINROT

Mike unpacks the ethics around half the things he chooses to do. He cares about other people but sometimes verbally logics himself into empathy (in a way that’s often unclear to me—is he speaking that way because he doesn’t know how else to express what he feels? Or because he doesn’t feel it and has to logic himself to the moral decision?)

In some ways you could almost read Woe.Begone as a counter to Dexter. Because Dexter, too, does terrible things with (usually) an ethical framework. He explicitly lacks empathy. He’s handed the moral framework and the narrative pretty much uncritically says “he was always going to be a serial killer. so what was he going to do with that?”

And in Woe.Begone, Mike’s motives are complex. Messy. A little bit of empathy here. Curiosity there. Desire for power in the corner. Fear of consequences looming over him. He wasn’t always going to do Woe.Begone. He makes a deliberate decision. Both for every challenge he completes (as far as I know, I only just finished episode 4). And for the game as a whole. And it’s not about being good, and he claims he’s actually a kind of shitty person. And yet to me he feels like a better person than Dexter so far. Or, at least, less hollow. Filled to the brim with his own internal world.

I’d have to rewatch some Dexter to do a full cross-comparison meta, and I might. But I’m absolutely fascinated by what feels like deliberate narrative comparisons here as Dylan Griggs writes more or less a death game about what I read as a low/atypical empathy character.

[ardent-fox]

New Year's Ask Game for Fic Writers ✍✨

I decided to complete this game to help me reflect and possibly get back into writing regularly again, I was not tagged but here's a bit of self-indulgence nonetheless 😊💙

To close out 2023…

1) What fic did you have the most fun writing this year and why? Or, if you can’t decide, what was most fun about writing this year for you?

I've only completed and posted one fic this year/ever and about a dozen Galladrabbles, and had the most fun writing humorous dialog whenever it was sprinkled into them.

2) What’s a scene/story that you finished and felt “wow, I really accomplished that, that actually went so well”?

The mechanics of Mickey getting fucked and jerked off at the same time in Everything, followed by describing his and Ian's orgasms. I've never written erotica from a male perspective before fanfiction and had no idea how I was going to do it, but am pretty satisfied with the results.

3) What helped provide the most inspiration for stories, if anything? Was it poetry? A song on repeat? A gorgeous gifset? A walk outside? A book you read that made you want to change everything? Whatever it was! Tell all.

Music, I make playlists for most of my WIPs. Everything had only a couple of songs, the most prominent ones being Colorblind by Counting Crows for Mickey's and I'll Be Your Lover, Too by Van Morrison for Ian's perspective. Also the poem "My God, Why Are You Crying?" by Molly Peacock, which I discovered while going through a Reddit thread about people crying during sex, doing research is sometimes inspiring in itself.

4) What is something you want to share about what you’ve written this year? A particular line, a comment that made you feel really good, a scene that was difficult to write — you get to choose! What do you wish someone would ask you about when it comes to what you’ve written?

This little tidbit in Everything that I managed to write after coming back to what I thought was an abandoned fic five months later, capturing Mickey's conflicting feelings about making noise:

The beginning of a sob emerges and he gulps it down, flinching when he feels Ian nod encouragingly against him. Rather, he dips his head, cheek resting on the back of Ian's hand as fresh tears quietly leak from him, a rogue one snagging on Ian's wrist before sliding down. "Hey," Ian gentles, hand stirring beneath him. "Don't have to hold anything back. Can be as loud as usual." He wants to, he truly does. Pleasure builds deep within him, its sounds catching in his throat, begging to be freed. Other noises tether themselves, too, ones he'd rather not bring to fruition, and he draws in his bottom lip to keep them at bay, the stubborn desire to hand-pick them denying him the deliverance of any. Restraint coils around him and he clings to it in turn, actually praying Ian doesn't stand for it and finds a way to cut it down, his authority easier for Mickey to give in to than his own permission to be vocal.

Also, all the beautiful comments I got for the fic and all the reblog tags I got for my Galladrabbles, I always screenshot those so I can easily find and reread them whenever I need a pick-me-up 💕

And to start off 2024…

1) Do you have any writing/creation goals for the year? What are they?

Just to write more without any expectations and see where it takes me, whether it's fanfic or personal stuff. Make it fun, write with abandon and focus more on the process than the final result, more on the emotions I wish the story to evoke than on the construct of things. Try to finish up most of the Gallavich WIPs I've had going on since summer of 2022, but not be afraid to drift away if something else inspires me in the moment and just write, write, write.

2) Is there a fic or idea that you’re really excited to be able to continue to work on in the new year (shout out to my fellow fic writing folks who take forever to finish wips, sometimes it’s nice to be able to continue working on something even if you wish you’d gotten it done! Now you get even MORE time with it!)

There's one domestic/fluff/angst communication-centered Gallavich fic I got the idea for and outlined not long after I joined the fandom, but thought I needed more practice before writing it that I feel ready enough to jump back into now, so that's very exciting. I also have a 13K WIP one-shot of gratuitous smut that I wrote for Kinktober 2022 that I was 90% done with, but scrapped because I used my then limited resources to complete Everything instead, and I'd love to give it a rewrite and complete it. There are ideas brewing for a Blackbonnet fic as well, but I'd rather wait and see whether we get a season 3 before delving into it, since I prefer to write post-canon. Also continue Galladrabbles, my dear 100-word morsels that are super fun to write and allow me to experiment with different themes and styles which I can later apply to other projects if I see fit.

3) What’s something new in your writing you want to try/are going to try? A different writing style? Different fandom? Darker works? Fluffier? Longer or shorter?

I'd like to work on being less rigid in my sentence structure, play around with length/pacing in order to convey the mood better. Stop focusing on counting how many times I've used a certain word and switching it out even though it fits perfectly, not allow editing to suck the joy out of things in a way. I'd love to write more at a faster pace, too, but since severe brain fog prohibits me from writing a single coherent sentence on particularly bad days and that a 7K one-shot took me 6 months to write + 2 months to edit, I'm just content with keeping my motivation strong and spirits high while writing at whatever pace I can manage. I'd also like to experiment more with angst and see how I navigate difficult, dark, traumatic topics as well as possibly try writing in the past tense, as I'm not sure a present one is the way to go for every fic.

4) What’s something you love about your own writing that you will continue to appreciate in the new year?

My ability to dive into a character's psyche in order to describe their feelings and reasonings in complicated situations, all the while making sure I sprinkle at least a tiny bit of humor along the way. I'd love to continue playing with themes such as healing through communication and sex and working out their kinks as a couple, both in and outside the bedroom, all in favor of emotional breakthroughs that strengthen the bond between them. If the level at which I'm able to portray a character's vulnerability matches the enthusiasm I have for exploring it, I reckon I'll stay on the right track this year.

Tagging @lupeloto, @crossmydna, @metalheadmickey, @gallawitchxx, @whatthebodygraspsnot, @ian-galagher, @squidyyy23, @bawlbrayker, @secret-gallavich, @juliakayyy, @look-i-love-u, @thisdivorce, @mmmichyyy, @howlinchickhowl, @callivich, @lingy910y, @arrowflier and @sam-loves-seb in case you haven't done this and would like to, otherwise just ignore the double tag and accept this cookie as a token of my adoration 🍪🥰

[ice-sculptures]

I JUST WATCHED FEAR-O-PHOBIA AND I HAD SEEN GIFSETS ABOUT EDDIE DESTROYING HIS STUFF BUT WATCHING IT!??! WHAT THE FUCK!!??!?!?! EDDIIIIEEEEEEEEEE

I had comments about other eps (like the accidental kiss? I fastforwarded through everything relationship drama like that is NOT for me!), and probably some other stuff. But. EDDIE. EDDIE FINALLY BROKE AND /ME/? I AM ALSO NOT FEELING SO GOOD

watching the next ep and oh my god. BOY. DON'T YOU DARE SIT HER ON THE RAILING OF THAT HIGH RISE TO MAKE OUT WITH HER!!! THAT'S SO RISKY annnnnd YUP there it is! (the other luck calls weren't as nerve-wracking for me. But on this show, the tough part is knowing that sometimes people DO die)

Now I'm worried tho bc when I see the episode description only covers the small event at the very beginning of the episode? Yeah something's gonna go down. I worry for what it will be

Subtitles, I KNOW you know Ravi's name. So why did you put ROBBY? The newish guy's name was Jonah but I'm pretty sure that he's somewhere else now that Chminey's back. (also. please do not spoil if anything happens to Ravi bc I love him. Babie. I want a Ravi-centric ep but without him dying for real).

Bobby comforting Eddie ;.; I try not to make a found family a nuclear family but like.... Bobby just has Dad Vibes. They cannot be contained.

"The things that make you sad... am I one of them?" "NEVER."

Skipping forward to FOMO- how DARE they use You Are My Sunshine lyrics for this scene!!! Of them prepping the mom who fell down the shaft for transport while her girls are in the firetruck waiting and ajsdflasjdf (I love so much of the music for this show, even when it hits me in the gut) and watching the oldest girl figure it out before the others makes me so *so* sad. That poor girl.

"Why aren't the sirens on?" "Mom doesn't need them anymore" ;.; ;.; ;.;

Karen and Hen pursuing the credit card thief! Karen and Hen getting down in the CLUB! GOOD FOR THEM!!!!

Claudette! Drives! Me! NUTS! I love Bobby for being a bit of a Papa Bear about it, and Athena respecting May's wishes by telling him to stand down, too <3 I keep hoping that I'll eventually come around to it, tho I'm a little worried that might come at the expense of her dying (I'm on s5e16 May Day). bc you never know

PAINFUL BACKSTORY UNLOCKED! I knew there would be something! Things are clicking and making sense!!!

"Wait! That's my dad! I wanna ride with him." "You didn't have to lie." "I didn't. I have two dads. You're one of them."

Again, I have seen the gifsets, but it doesn't compare to watching it!!!!

I'm glad that Chimney got a chance to save Albert the way he couldn't save Kevin. I hope that helps him heal somehow ;.; And I'm glad that Albert has stuck things through so far, and now he's learned that he's ready for a different path.

I KNEW IT! I FUCKING KNEW IT I KNEW THEY WOULD PULL THIS WITH CLAUDETTE!!!! I called it!!!!

i watch way too many of these kinds of shows

Also, I should not condone Taylor's jealous behavior. But like. I get it. (Also, I couldn't tell- does Lucy NOT remember the kiss? bc it feels like she doesn't remember).

Okay it is time for me to sleep! I hope you enjoy my extra long real time commentary on eps 13-16 (with a sprinkle of the eps I watched earlier today, 10-12).

let me tell you that i CANNOT watch that call with the girls and their mother. it destroyed me the first time around and i have to skip it on my rewatches unless i want to casually start sobbing out of nowhere. i adore this show's ability to make me feel so much for the victims on calls. we've known them for two, maybe three minutes and i'm still a fountain of waterworks when i press play.

HENREN IN THE CLUB!!!! i love them i love when they get to be all silly and goofy and in love. give me more happy henren in s7 please!

lucy doesn't know who taylor is to buck. she wasn't aware that buck had a gf when she kissed him, so she was confused about why taylor came up to her and started warning her about buck out of nowhere, especially when until then she'd only known taylor as the reporter who was interested in her lucky catch in 5x14 😅

also the way that so many characters get to have a second chance in may day completely RUINS me. and may calling bobby her dad? that scene is permanently tattooed in my brain 🥺🥺

i'm excited to hear what u have to say about season 6 :)

[theodoraflowerday]

young royals s2e6 live reaction

lisa's been all about the parallels so if the second I press play I do not get them lying in bed together being cute I will throw my laptop out the window

well okay

I will be having so much fun with the gifset parallels

now wille is the one who stays in bed and watches simon walk away

"can't you stay a little while then?" you shouldaaaaaa

(and the curtains are closed I'm so happy)

also "I have to make things right" it's been nice (not) marcus but you gotta go

I don't even dislike him I just really want him gone I fucking hate love triangles

simon really tried to resist him tho but like. he can't. he straight up can't. I love it when two people can't resist each other

jan-olof truly dropped the ball thinking august would be better than wille to represent the crown lmfao

OH NO OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH NO OH NO OH FUCK OH NO

OH FUCK NO NOPE NO OH FUCK

august knowing the only way he can get wille to talk to him is through mentioning simon

baby of course simon wasn't gonna pick up his phone he was out there the crown prince of sweden's dick in his mouth do you really think you're a priority?

marcus honey may I recommend folklore by taylor swift there's quite a few songs I know you'd enjoy.

"but not compared to a prince" okay hoo slow down and he graceful about it

"I've been trying to tell you that I'm not ready for a serious relationship and you haven't been listening to me" YEAH BITCH YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SAY "OK IT WAS NICE" AND MOVE TF ON!!!!

like ngl marcus you kinda brought this upon yourself

and he had to go and be a little bitch about it

you know what marcus? you're on my shit list now. fuck you.

not that simon was any kinder with the whole you know. cheating thing. but alas I did very much say I didn't give a shit if they cheated bc I personally like it so

okay. chin up and forget about it.

"erik wouldn't have let simon go to the police" TAKE HIS NAME OUT OF YOUR FILTHY ASS MOUTH AUGUST

alexander needs to get the fuck out of hillerska

there is a witness however

oh my god

god i fucking hate august

stab him!!!!

oh wait no one's pointed a gun at august yet oh that's gonna be fun

I can't believe alexander would do that just to fuck with wille

sara kisses that horse w more passion than she kisses august lmfao

oh my god felice baby

okay now you tell her about august

"you have nothing to apologize for" haha well about That...

okay this is not the point of it

but they look so fucking sexy being a couple

OOH HE DONE DID IT

THE ROYALS ARE FUCKING MASTERS AT COVERING UP ACCIDENTS RIGHT AUGUST?

AND I'M STILL THE CROWN PRINCE NOT YOU

OH MY GOD HE WENT FUCKING OFF

HE FUCKING WENT OFF LETS GO WILLE

I DID SONETHING BAD DOT MP3 AYEEEEEEE

I love how simon straight up didn't even try to intervene lmfao he was like "ok if he shoots him then he shoots him"

I'm glad this one went off on sara too lmfao like I'm sorry but 🤷🏽

sara honey you're an idiot

"we're the same you and me" okay but like... he's got a point

THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU? OH HE'S IN DEEP

"i just wanna go home" sobbing

oh he's just a baby he just wants his parents I'm crying

I'm gonna cry

oh my god just talk to him you're HIS PARENTS

"you can talk to us about absolutely anything" CAN HE REALLY YOU FUCKING BITCH

BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH

and YOU [points at ludwig]

"why are you two even here?" because it's their business too

SARA YOU ABSOLUTE PIECE OF SHIT WHAT THE FUCK

you know what? I guess for the drama I can deal with all the shit she's done. but STELLA? SHE DID NOTHING WRONG WHY ARE YOU DRAGGING HER INTO THIS.

"you're so fucking full of shit" HONESTLY??? like bitch fuck that this isn't about being in love or the sex or whatever it's about the fact that HE RELEASED A SEX TAPE INVOLVING YOUR UNDERAGE BROTHER

wille playing w a lighter? he's gonna burn his hoooouse to the ground

ayub is a fuckin real one. ayub and rosh both. I'm so glad simon has them

[maddie voice] FUCK YOU AUGUST

love it when august is reminded of his place

oh the electronic tune playing, you know shit's gonna go down

oh my god

oh my god

oh my god oh my godoh my god

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU YEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

YEAH BUDDY YEAH BABY LET'S GO LETS GO LETS GO

AND IF WE HAVE TO KEEP IT A SECRET THEN SO BE IT

BUT NO MORE SECRETS BETWEEN US

not the HAND

I JUST THREW A PILLOW OFF MY BED

I'M SCREAMING AND CRYING AND SOBBING AND LOSING MY MIND

HE SAID IT HE SAID IT HE SAID IT IMSJFKZJGLDJGKFLGJFLGJGLHI

I'M SCUTLAING SOVIVIGNG SKDNSNCNENWMAKNG

[wilhelm's breath trembling softly] WELL I AM SCREAMING

I have rewatch ed that scene like 3 times I can't believe this I'm sobbing and screaming and crying

jan-olof just found them basically inhaling each other lmfao

I can't

no I'm serious I can't

I wish jan-olof a very death

I'm kinda hoping for an "i...... am iron man" thing with wille

SARA NO

SARA NOOOOOOO

please wille pull an I am iron man thing

lmfao august's face

oh and he's a fucking amazing public speaker

that's ur future king @ sweden

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

HE SAID IT HE SAID IT HE SAID IT OH MY FUCKING GOD

OH MY FUCKING GOD

HE DID IT

OH MY GOD

OH FUCK

HE PULLED AN I AM IRON MAN HE SAID IT

IT WAS A MOMENT I DIDN'T WANT TO SHARE WITH ANYONE ELSE

IISKDKDKDFKKDFKFKFKFKFKFKFKFK

LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOO THAT'S YOUR FUTURE KING SWEDEN THAT'S KING WILHELM (AND DUKE SIMON) RIGHT THERE

AHHSHSHDHSJFH WHAT A GOOD FUCKING ENDING

oh everything in this season was so worth it it was so worth it

I hated everything until episode 4 but I will be playing it in the background the rest of the month because if this show doesn't get renewed I will kill a bitch

[cable-knit-sweater]

Hey bubbie 🥺

So i come to you this evening because, remember the radio interview Chris did where they had this quick quiz thing? Yk the one where he was an absolute button?! 

Now i distinctly remember that interview throwing you off the edge when it came to your daily screams at Christopher at the time and hence why i am here this fine evening, telling you about how, while i was trying to make a gifset from said interview, i almost legit cried when i noticed how red his ear and the skin behind it was getting just from holding the headphones that close to them. Like he didn't even have it fully on his head cause he was probably scared to ruin the do (the fact that he did that with all the radio interviews is so damn cute) nor was he holding it by his ear for that long anyway and it still left a sweet pinkish blemish on his milky fair skin and i saw that and i honest to god almost cried cause he is so cute and adorable 🥺

I just thought, outta everybody, you'd understand me the most on this one 😭

Love ya bubbie and hope you had a fine ass Friday 💕💕

Hi bubba!!! 💛💛How was your day? Hope you’ve recovered a little from this afternoon’s ridiculous Ari content? No? Neither have I 😫😫

And of course I remember that interview, godd I don’t think I’m over that either?? You mean this one below right?!? Okay I need a moment, crying again over that perfect hair and his stupid face, i totally understand your reaction 😭💖

This definitely threw me off the edge into extreme unhinged-ness because, LOOK AT HIM BUBBA 😫😫😭and now that you mention it, I do see how his ears are a little red, especially in those two lower ones 🥺 He reaaally was struggling with those headphones in all of these interviews wasn’t he?

I am certain it has something to do with not ruining that pretty pretty hair of his. And that’s so fair? Because that hair is perfect? The only messing with it that should be done is by fingers lovingly running through those curly locks, I volunteer 😫😫

But yes Oula baby, he is extremely cute and adorable, sooo freaking soft in these 🥺🥺 I can barely handle it, so I don’t know how you’re capable of making another set of this interview, because just looking at these gifs is making me want to coo and sob 🥺 HE’S JUST SO CUTE AND PRETTYYYY 😭💖💖

I’m also 100% certain that whatever gif set you’re making, it’s gonna be wonderful, amazing, show-stopping, is gonna make me lose my mind a little more. Because you’re really a genius, and I’m so in awe of you??

Thank you for dropping by bubba, hope you’re having the most wonderful evening! love you love you love you 💕💕💕💕💕

[blush-and-books]

i’m sorry, but i fell in love tonight

short fic based off of this gifset by @juliesmolinas and the song is there somewhere by halsey. in fact it is mandatory that you listen to the song/read the lyrics/both before/during reading this. yes i said mandatory.

angst with a sappy ending, julie goes through a lifetime of emotions in less than 3k, was originally gonna write when i was in a more emotionally raw state but writing this made me emotionally raw so... enjoy <3

warnings: swearing

Julie made the promise at some point -- she just doesn’t know exactly when.

It may have been when he appeared at her school, all shy smiles and soft glances, professing that she made him a better writer. Or, more definitively, it could have been when she forlornly pulled him into her arms a moment before she was positive that she was to lose him forever. 

All that she knew was her time with Luke was fleeting. So she swore that her butterfly-wing crush was not allowed to fill her chest or dizzy her thoughts; that his lyrics would mean nothing more next to hers than words on a page and his touches would bring her little to no comfort.

Luke Patterson could not complete her. 

The universe wouldn’t allow it -- and neither would Julie Molina. 

But -- either Luke was blissfully unaware of their impending doom or he genuinely didn’t care -- he forced himself through every barrier she attempted to erect. And it was driving her nearly insane, because she made a promise to protect herself. 

Maybe she wasn’t strong enough to do it. Or maybe the universe, despite refusing to give Julie Luke in his entirety, did not want her to be protected. 

It was all in the little things-

When she stayed up with him in the garage, playing him all of the songs he’s missed in 25 years, and he danced around on the slippery floor in his socks and grinned at her with wide green eyes. The neon emerald in the dim light was reminiscent of driving on the highway and passing sign after sign leading to the exits she could have taken, but couldn’t bring herself to.

How New Years Eve arrived and the Molina family gathered in the driveway to light sparklers; Luke’s hand brushing hers as he passed off one of the two in his hands. 

In his head lulling onto her shoulder while she was trying to finish some homework with his help on the torn couch and his lips moving against her bare skin  as he mumbled that she needed to take a break before driving herself insane; followed by her braiding her hair to get it out of her face.

She already had driven herself insane -- but not over her homework. 

(His mouth on her shoulder was the answer to a prayer she never dared to murmur aloud.)

Luke never failed to be present when he was needed. If she was sick or stressed or depressed, he knew when to fuse to her side and when to offer some space. Through careful observation rather than conversation, he knew which of her many sweatshirts were reserved for illness or emotional support. 

In most of those situations, she needed him, too. Her fingernails would curl into his biceps through a cramp or wave of tears and he would wrap her in his embrace and swarm her with warm words that dried her eyes.

She hated it.

When they wrote music, it felt as though they were already reading each other's minds before either of them had spoken a word about their plans. Their journals contained inky black waterfalls spilled from an intimacy that Julie did not want to dissect. 

Again, she hated it. She loved it more than anything and hated that she loved it all -- because it could never be real. 

She would always play second fiddle to death. 

Julie made the promise to herself to not let Luke complete her because, while she had him for now, the night of the Orpheum was a reminder that the universe would not hesitate to snap it’s fingers and eliminate him from existence. 

The universe, being the confusing, stubborn bitch it is, just didn’t get the memo on that promise. 

Because Luke filled every crack and restored every gap in her being, and he shouldn’t.

The hopeless, pining romantic in her that constantly argued with her realist side said they were meant to meet. Even if it was brief and heartbreaking and had the power to hurt her in a way she didn’t understand, it had to happen. If it wasn’t supposed to happen, then how and why did he cross space and time only to fall at her feet?

(Soulmates, a taunting voice whispered. Soulmates.)

((The voice was locked in a closet as punishment.))

She didn’t want to entertain the word. It had too much of a forlorn, wistfully romantic sound to it that Julie didn’t need to associate with Luke when she spent most moments with him at this point convincing herself that she wasn’t in love.

Until tonight.

It is past midnight, which is when anyone’s mental state starts to alter. Things that would be labelled as bad ideas in the daylight could very possibly become fair game when shrouded in a darkness that made everything private. The two of them, Luke and Julie, Julie and Luke, are nestled together on the piano bench as her fingers tiredly press each cut of ivory in a working melody.

“I have an idea,” Luke says, gently shifting his left hand to cover hers on the keys. “Why don’t we press pause on this song for a minute?”

Then, she finally looks up at him. Her eyes probably have crescents like the dark side of the moon crossing her skin, and her hair is all over the place, but he’s staring at her in one of the rare ways that she hates.

She hates it because the look convinces her that she completes him.

This time, however, there’s a hope. A hope, and a hesitance, and she’s simultaneously extremely nervous and beyond curious as to what his plans are. 

“Did- Didn’t you want to finish this tonight?” 

Regret strikes across his face, but he recovers. The softness is back. “Yeah, I just think we need a change of pace.” Right hand on the back of his neck: A telltale sign of a confession of some kind. She’s seen it more times than is healthy. “There was another song I wanted to show you, actually.”

“Oh.” She blinks, he waits. “Yeah, uh, I mean, yeah. Show me. What do you have so far?” He clears his throat as he thrums through the pages to find his target. “The whole thing.”

Julie doesn’t have time to react -- although she’s already in a panic -- before the leather-bound book is being awkwardly shoved into her hands, and the first thing she sees at the top is Luke’s nearly illegible scribble of Dark Room (song for Julie).

“Luke-”

“Just read it.” His voice is significantly raspier than it was a minute ago. “Please.”

She can’t. If he feels the same way and the confession is undeniably in front of her, then what is she supposed to do? Would she rather break Luke’s heart now to save them both down the line, or delay the misery a little longer?

It’s not that she doesn’t want it -- she does. But she doesn’t know if she’s emotionally equipped for any of the options that are offered to her. The destination of any path she chooses leads to a world of heartache.

So, she does the only thing she can think in the moment: She reads the song.

Instantly, the lyrics are blurred from the tears in her eyes because she sees the words “love” and “together” and her greatest fears and grandest wishes are coming true. The sonnet proclaims that she’s his light that illuminated his once-dark forever, and that he was hers when they didn’t even know each other, and that he will be hers wherever he ends up next.

He just wanted her to know that he would have waited another lifetime in the blank, limitless limbo he was in for 25 years if he knew she would be there when he was set free.

And, in the moment, Julie allows herself to acknowledge that her promise is broken.

She’s fallen in love. 

And, apparently, he has too.

(Maybe they can claim just one night. The universe owes them that much, doesn’t it?)

“Julie?” God, he sounds so worried. A shaking finger trails up her jaw to catch falling tears, and his contact makes her gasp. He pulls away and shoves his hands together to fidget in his lap. “Julie, are you- Fuck, I’m sorry, I just fucked this up, didn’t I? I fucked it all up. Fuck, I-”

When she chances a look up at him for the first time in the couple of minutes that she’s been staring, hopelessly, at the song in her lap -- he’s got his face covered by his hands pressing roughly into his eyes, and he’s turned to face the piano instead of her.

He takes a deep breath, and it sounds… 

Stuffy. 

Three more tears leak from Julie’s eyes. More build up every minute as her right hand runs along his shoulder, “Luke…”

“No, Julie, please just drop it.”

“Luke.”

“I clearly misread a lot of stuff, and I’m tired, so maybe you can just go to bed and forget-”

Her hand wraps tightly around his upper arm like it’s done so many times when she has been in distress. “Luke.”

There’s a crack in her voice from sheer desperation. She needs him to look at her, so that she can wipe his tears and smile through the sobs and tell him he didn’t misread a single thing. She would wait a lifetime for him to come out of the dark room, she loves him too, and she’s going to forget all about it. 

And ask him to do the same.

At least the scratch of his name catches his attention long enough, because he angles back towards her, and swallows thickly before meeting her eyes. Salty teardrops linger against his eyelids and eyelashes; the red rimming illuminating the oceanic green to look like a gemstone. Her grip relaxes.

“Yeah, Julie?”

She attempts a smile. “The song is beautiful, Luke. I love it.”

I love you.

“That’s it? It’s beautiful, and you love it, but you don’t… I’m not in your dreambox, huh?”

He clearly hasn’t dug through it in awhile. He’s everywhere. Discarded guitar picks and notes he’s left in her school journals and plenty, plenty of songs.

It’s funny, because she told him her dreambox was for things that didn’t make her sad. Luke was a double-edged sword -- making her happy every day in a new way, and making her cry into her pillow at night.

How does she explain this? There’s a whirlwind of responses running through her brain and she can barely coherently comprehend any of them. 

“No,” she finds herself sighing as she raises her hand to his cheek, followed by her other hand so that he can’t try and turn away. “No, Luke, no… You’re wrong.”

“What do you mean ‘I’m wrong?’”

Her bottom lip starts to shake. “You think I don’t love you back.”  Both of them feel their breath catch at her use of the word out loud. It feels like a secret that shouldn’t be repeated. “And you’re wrong.”

“... I’m wrong.”

“Of course you’re wrong! You really think I don’t love you back?”

“Why are you crying if you love me?”

“Because we can’t do this!”

He scoffs, and Julie’s heart is racing in her chest as he pushes himself off of the piano bench and her hands fall from his face. What has she done?

“That’s bull, Julie.” His fingertips tug at his hair. “You don’t need to make a big dramatic show to convince me it’s wrong just to let me down easy. You aren’t going to talk me out of this.” Dead-on, he stops pacing back and forth, and looks her in the eye. “I love you.”

Listening to him say it, the way his mouth moves and his voice ticks with conviction at each syllable, is what makes her break. 

“And I love you too.” 

He reels back. He probably wasn’t expecting her voice to raise from their odd, in-between whisper and normal volume.

“But don’t you get it? Luke, we aren't in some magical place where we can meet each other in the middle. A place like that doesn’t exist. You’re dead, and I’m alive, and any future here ends with both of us losing each other.” 

“Julie-”

“You said you would wait another lifetime, right?” Using his own lyrics against him. She watches his hands twitch before nodding; the movements of his head barely visible. “Then wait. Another lifetime, another two -- the fucking universe clearly didn’t want us to have this one, so we’re stuck waiting for the next one.”

Even through his clear and fighting need to argue, to talk with her about this, he stiffly nods his head. It’s obvious that she has thought way too much about this from the way she’s barely choking out each word before crumbling into tears before his eyes -- but then again, he’s thought about it too. 

Callused hands are running along her neck to tilt her face up out of the blue. She was too busy crying to notice that he had crossed the distance between them to stand right in front of her and assure that she was meeting his eyes.

“Luke-”

“No, Julie, it’s my turn. Please.”

She won’t argue with him. So, with a tender swipe of his thumbs under her eyes, he proceeds.

“Look, I get it. You think I don’t get it? I fucking hate being dead, for so many reasons, Julie. But if I never died, I never would have met you.” Her lips part, and maybe he thinks she’s going to protest because he smoothly lifts a finger in front of her lips that barely makes contact. 

(Julie almost presses her lips into it.)

“And you’re right. I wish there was somewhere that we could meet in the middle, but we don’t have that. I wish so many things, Julie. But none of them involve a life where I don’t have you.”

She whimpers, because listening to the man that normally chains his emotions in a cage bare his soul to her at nearly one in the morning is a seriously more out-of-body experience than she expected. She knew, deep down, that she loved him. But she never allowed herself to feel the all-encompassing warmth that she feels now.

“But hey, Julie, look at me,” he coaxes her with a tone that drips with affection. The pads of his fingers are nearly kneading into the back of her neck. “Like you said: The universe didn’t want to give us this lifetime. They couldn’t let us have all the fun, right?” Both of them let out a watery chuckle. “But they still brought me to you, didn’t they? They let me know you in this lifetime, even if we couldn’t have forever. I said I would be yours wherever I am. So even if this,” he gestures to his ghostly form, “isn’t forever, even if we don’t have this lifetime… You know I’ll love you forever, right?”

It was a monologue straight from one of her dreams that left her waking up with a manic smile and tears running down her face. 

Unable to form any other response besides an unaware nod, Julie waits for him to continue.

“And maybe, the universe will give us the next lifetime, or a whole new universe, or… Just somewhere where we can get forever.” 

Abruptly, his hands slide from her neck and grasp her hands like he needs to hold on firmly enough to believe that she’s still real in front of him. Julie is still speechless and teary, and in the most sentimental gesture, Luke kisses the back of both of her hands. 

“We’ll get forever, Julie.” His warm breath puffs against her skin. “I promise you.”

And, well, if he promises forever in the next life -- then why can’t she take what she can get in this one?

--

tags: @bluefirewrites @willexx @unsaid-emily @lydias--stiles @moreflowersthanweeds @pink-flame 

[earstwo]

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I hit 7k recently after losing almost 1.5k followers when I converted to a Reylo blog (not sorry in the slightest) and decided it was time to finally compile some of the INCREDIBLE fanfics that I’ve read since joining the fandom in December. 

I’m constantly impressed by the talent around here and I'm so grateful to love a ship that has some of the most amazing content I’ve ever seen. The creators in this fandom are second to none. I’m so thankful for all they do and all that they give to us. 

Please keep never stop sharing your gifts. <3 

**Note: Most (pretty much all) of these are rated E. 

Without further ado, here are (some of) my favorite stories: 

The Jedi Path  by SouthsideStory | 19k | E | I am such a sucker for Jedi Academy Ben and Rey. It’s everything I never knew I needed, and this fic is a beautiful rendition. If you know me at all, you know that I devour Angst with a Happy Ending stories, and this is no exception to that rule.

Exile by Ernzo | 22k | E | Oof. This one hurts. Leia sends Rey to the planet where Ben is exiled. It’s angsty and sad and cathartic in every way. I’ve read it dozens of times. 

Before the Saber Swings by @waterlilyrose​ | 28k | M |  Fuck. When I tell y’all that this story fucked me up, I mean it from the bottom of my s o u l. It stayed with me for days. I literally couldn’t get it out of my head. It felt so real to me that I was in physical pain while reading it. I also made an AU gifset of the fic with a quote from Buffy because I’m extra and love pain. 

penitence by @bettsfic​ | 16k | M | Look, Betts is one of my favorite fanfiction authors of all time. Her Bellarke works are some that I’ve read dozens of times and I was fucking ecstatic when I found out she also writes Reylo. This is an A+ TROS fix-it that is lovely and soft and sweet. 

The Writings of Ben Solo by BurnedStars777 | 39k | E | This was recced to me by the fabulous @galacticidiots​ and is just a fantastic story all around. Rey finds Ben’s journal whilst stuck on a planet with Kylo Ren and she (eventually) connects the dots. Rey falling in love with Ben sight unseen? Here. For. it.  find a thread to pull, and we can watch it unravel by again_please | 17k | E | A fantastic post-TLJ story with angsty and broody Ben and just some all around quality smut. I devoured this and have read it multiple time since. 

We Could Plant a House, We Could Build a Tree by @likeadove​ | 124k | E | I will probably never stop reading this fic. It’s such a beautiful coming of age story for Rey and her relationship with Ben as she grows up is just... gah. It’s fantastic. Please read it.    

Soul Searching by OptimisticBeth | 205k | E | Soulmates AU where Ben is Rey’s teacher? Sign me the fuuuuck up, and Soul Searching is so fucking well written. I go back to this one every few weeks and just gush at how great the world building is. I love the relationship Rey has with Leia and Han. It’s rich with love and angst and fluffffff. So good. 

Coveted by OptimisticBeth | 82k | E | WIP | OptimisticBeth is just an incredible writer, so you should honestly read all of her stuff, but I am so, so, so into this fic. It’s A/B/O and Ben’s Rey’s pack leader. He, along with a bunch of other Alphas are trying to court Rey, a highly desired Omega. It’s so fucking delicious, y’all. Alpha Ben Solo is just...it doesn’t get much better. 

A Treehouse Covered in Salt by violethoure666 | 34k | E | This fic made me cry my eyes out. I’m not kidding. It’s so raw and real. It hurts to read at some points, but you care so much about Ben and Rey in this that you fight through the pain. They grow up together as neighbors and Han builds them a treehouse where they meet throughout their childhoods/teen years. Prepare to cry but also be so fulfilled and satisfied. It’s wonderful. love it when you call me lover by @kylotrashforever​​ | 66k | E | WIP | First, let me say that anything by KTF is going to be gold. These fics I have listed are just a few of my favorites at the moment. Lover is hot as fuck (as is all of her stuff) but also fluffy in the best way. It’s in Sadsville right now so I’m fucking PUMPED for her to update. Ben’s a doctor who basically gives Rey a sexual awakening when he proves her statement of “I just don’t think I can come from (insert sexual act here)” very, very wrong.  

mountain at my gates by @kylotrashforever​ | 26k | E | More A/B/O goodness. Omega Rey’s car breaks down on a mountain. Ben is a mountain man Alpha. You can probably guess what happens from there. *fans self* 

take me to church by @kylotrashforever​ | 26k | E | I love this story so much. Ben is the pastor’s son at the church Rey grows up in. They start hooking up in secret and are terrrrrrible at communicating with each other which leads to angst. But it’s so sweet and soft while also being super hot. I love this Ben and Rey so much. 

Your Pretty Little Heart by @ever-so-reylo​ | 64k | E | The A/B/O Reylo bible, I feel like. They’re doctors and he’s a grumpy as fuck Alpha. Shenanigans ensue. And by shenanigans I mean a lot, a lot, a LOT of sex. 

The Food of Love by @lovesbitca8​ | 60k | E | Y’all. If you haven’t read this yet, please stop what you’re doing and read it RIGHT NOW. I ate this fic up in one sitting because holy SHIT it’s amazing. It’s so well written and the story is just... absolutely exquisite. Ben is cellist that’s also a famous rockstar and Rey’s an up and coming violinist and they fall in loOOoOOve in the best, most angsty, sexiest way. Please just read it right now. The scene when she firsts goes to his apartment and plays one of his cellos............you guys. It’s a lot.

Already Home by AttackoftheDarkCurses | 81k | E | This is soulmates + A/B/O so naturally I am obsessed with it. Rey gets connected with her soulmate via a website and he’s going by the name Kylo Ren. At the same time, she’s also moving in with grumpy librarian Ben Solo. She falls in love with both but has no idea that they’re the same person. It’s INCREDIBLE. 

Tangled but Unbroken by AttackoftheDarkCurses | 20k | M | I read this the other night and it’s so fucking soft. I am such a fucking sucker for growing up together fics and this is just such top quality. The braiding kills me every goddamn time. Also, I’m making my way through all of Attack’s works right now and they’re all incredible. Highly recommend. 

Dear Mr. President by @shmisolo​ | 89k | E | I love this Ben so much. The characterization is so on the money. The angst is absolutely delicious. The smut is top brass. Oh, and did I mention they’re soulmates? It’s everything you need, I promise. 

Good Day, Professor by @faequeentitania​ | 38k | E | One of the best Professor Solo fics out there. I’m such a sucker for age difference fics. Of course there’s angst, who do you think I am? 

Embers by sciosophia | 34k | E | Breaking up/getting back together fics are some of my favorites and this one is fantastic. The pining with these two is ridiculous. You just want to smush their faces together. It’s a beautiful love story. 

Reclaimed by @bettsfic​ | 14k | E | Ughhhhhhhhhh, Reclaimed. I am so in love with Reclaimed. Alpha Ben adopts Omega Rey after she’s rescued from this terrible Alpha that held her captive for most of her life. She doesn’t talk and Ben has to help her learn to be a human being and not just a subservient Omega. This Ben is the Ben of my dreams. No contest. 

the following are all written by  @kylorenvevo​. please read them all if you haven’t already. 

landscape with a blur of conquerers | 362k | E |  Y’all know this shit is fire. It’s basically the bible. If you haven’t read this yet, consider this as me yelling at you to do it NOW.   

like young gods | 84k | T | fuck, the Sword of the Jedi series is incomparable when it comes to in-universe fics. I cannot begin to express how much I love this story. It’s so soft and intense and sad. Like, gut wrenchingly sad. Ben senses Rey on Jakku when she’s six and he and Luke take her back to the Jedi Academy. She grows up with Ben. 

to kingdom come | 145k | M |  The sequel to Like Young Gods. I’m not gonna spoil much here, but just know I cried through most of this fic. I downright SOBBED at the end. It’s gorgeous and I will never stop rereading it. The love these two have for each other... it’s unreal. 

i kill giants  | 34k | E | WIP | The TROS fix-it we all need. Ben is alive and finds Rey on Tatooine. It’s soft and Thea does a great job of soothing so many of the gaping wounds we were left with after TROS. My heart soars every time I read a new chapter. This is what we deserved. :( 

the heartbreak prince | 58k | E | WIP |  Harry Potter AU. Professor/student. Size kink. Virginity kink. ANGST. All the good things life has to offer. Professor Solo is fucking filthy in this and I (along with Miss Niima)  am here 👏 for 👏 it. 

place the moon at my eyes (and her whiteness shall devour)  | 29k | E | Another breakup/get back together fic that I absolutely adore.

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Thank you to everyone that’s been so kind and welcoming to me the past couple of months! I love this fandom and its energy and enthusiasm and how much everyone seems to care for each other. I hope that I can continue to create content for you forever <3 

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

imagine the writers actually liked blair & released her from the shackles of her relationship with THAT man, how would you have liked to see dan & blair's relationship develop from there? individual character development, conflicts, scenes, anything that comes to ur mind! i love seeing your analyses and opinions on this blog - ur able to express ur thoughts so aptly!

when you say “THAT man” i don’t actually know whether you mean chuck or louis, so i’m just going to interpret it as both of them, sklhfdklghf. though in a lot of ways this response focuses more on dan & blair, so!  [ read more because it got long...duh] [most of the links will take you to gifsets by @danandblair  - if you’re not following, you should! morgan’s undeniably the best of the best *sobs*]  

tbh, i feel like... canon dair was already so good, in so many ways. they were playful, they both made each other happy, they were able to have open conversations - neither of them had any illusions about the other person, and both of them were very much on the same wavelength about what they wanted from a relationship. nads @mysteriesofloves has said a bit about how they’re romantically very compatible over here  - it’s better than anything i could say.

dan and blair are really interesting though, because they understand each other very intuitively. as early as the stairwell scene in 1x04, where dan tells blair about the situation with his mother, and then in the bit in 1x15 where nate hugs vanessa and dan & blair see it, they both just...exchange a look and neither of them needs to say a word... they get it. this intuitive understanding of each other gives their relationship - when they are in a relationship - a good solidity, because there’s less scope for miscommunication when you’re with someone who knows you well enough that they don’t misunderstand you very often? 

there’s just so many instances where dan’s insecure/jealous of chuck, and blair reassures him, and the whole thing in ‘despicable b’ where blair sabotages him at the event, but they resolve it and talk about it! even though both of them can be insecure in their own ways, they trust each other! both of them genuinely want the other to succeed!

they both saw each other in a real way - look how blair describes dan to dan here, look how dan tells her what he sees in her. unlike how dan saw serena or blair saw chuck, dan & blair’s expectations of each other are grounded in reality and in experience. their romance was a progression of their friendship, which is what made it so stable, imo. 

what i think needed to be done differently was like - the fact that chuck is blair’s ex, and out of all her exes, probably the one whose relationship with blair was the most ‘intense’, and dan knew this. dan knows that blair loved chuck - hell, he gave her advice on how to seduce chuck back in s2. even when her diary was leaked and whatnot, the fact that he was like *shocked pikachu* about it didn’t make sense to me. dan knew from day 1 that he was in love triangle territory with blair, so to suddenly be shocked by her feelings for chuck felt really ooc. also, i’ve spoken about this before in some other context, but serena leaking blair’s diary directly parallels vanessa stealing dan’s manuscript. when vanessa stole dan’s manuscript, he was hurt and he tried to stop her from publishing it, because he wasn’t ready. given that he’s been through this exact form of betrayal, i would’ve expected him to be more sympathetic to blair. that diary leak shouldn’t have torn them apart imo.

i also think that what blair was going through was... a lot. chuck, louis, the miscarriage, the pressures of the press, the responsibilities that came with being blair grimaldi and the knowledge that she would have to undertake them, serena being unreliable (the ‘evil serena’ arc! oh this’ll be a completely different essay if i take it there), her mother ready to give her waldorf designs, her needing to choose a career or whatever, all of that together is really a mess. and it’s a mess that dan, all by himself, couldn’t possibly fix - even if he wanted to! i think blair’s moving past all of that should’ve been given some focus. i think she would need therapy (to be honest, everyone on this show needs therapy, but again: different discussion) and maybe... the idea of blair in a support group warms my heart. a support groups for people who’ve had miscarriages, or for survivors of intimate partner violence, or something like that. it would’ve been good for her to have safe spaces where she could acknowledge that she’d been going through these incredibly stressful and traumatizing things, and while dan humphrey, supportive boyfriend and wife guy extraordinaire is There, it’s never healthy to use a single person as a support system, and i think blair needed focus at this point of the arc to recover and get better and be able to put herself first. 

i also really wish that there’d been resolution and acknowledgement of how in the past, blair had been awful to jenny and vanessa - given that they’re dan’s sister & dan’s best friend (dan/vanessa friendship should’ve stayed strong throughout the show, i am forever pissed off that it was ruined) - given that, i felt like it’s definitely something that should have come up at some point, and been another thing they had to get through as part of their relationship.

there might be something else i’m forgetting, i don’t know.

to conclude: something i really liked was that dan & blair’s first time having sex was... not good, but they got past it (look at this! ahhh.) i loved that because dan AND blair are both such... perfectionists isn’t the best word, but like... they both care So Much about things like this? like, their first time being Good is something they were both so serious about, and they’re just. they take these things so seriously. but they were able to move past it anyway and it didn’t really matter that their first time was awful, which. given how much both of them overthink & overanalyze and/or put too much significance in arbitrary things - given that, it was cool that they didn’t get stuck there? idek how to say this.

yeah, that’s all i’ve got.. i think!

[twinferns]

wandavision finale, and i have thoughts

im truly speechless.

if you haven't yet watched yet it prepare to cry.

spoilers below the cut

- so we really just jumped into it huh? right back in the street.

- let me tell you i cackled when wanda threw that car at agatha, and the wicked witch reference? amazing

- UH WHITE VISION BIG SCARY NO THANKS

- YUH JUST AS I PREDICTED, WHITE VISION GOES FOR WANDA BUT REAL VIS SWOOPS IN

- it shouldn't be but peter fietro pietro holding monica in his man cave is sending me

- the white vision/thanos parallels are both so cool and heartbreaking, like how he went straight for the mindstone i-

- MY MAIN MAN JIMOTHY WOO BACK AT IT AGAIN - FLOURISH

- can agatha shut up for one god damn minute about yOuRe GoInG tO dEsRtRoY tHe WoRlD

- oh ho ho sarah monica returns this is very disturbing

- all this pietro/peter/fietro build up for a BONER JOKE - oh so pietro (please idk what to call him someone help) was ralph all along? then why did they cast evan peters? and then how would he have super speed?

- this is breaking my heart, poor wanda is trying her best but it's all too overwhelming this is gonna make me cry

- HAYWARD BETTER GET HIS UGLY ASS AWAY FROM THE OPENING OF THE HEX

- i need therapy after watching vision nearly disintegrate again, and the twins falling apart, im gonna sue kevin feige for emotional distress, you have no idea how much pain i felt watching billy and tommy screaming for their mom

- oh god the family group huddle was so cute but then agatha had to go and ruin it

- petition to let wanda have one minute of pure happiness, 60 seconds, that's all, just give her a god damn break please im begging you marvel

- "boys, handle the military. mommy will be right back" I SCREAMED OMG

- BILLY AND TOMMY ARE THE POWER DUO WE DESERVE - what kind of fucking psychopath would shoot at fucking children, and then upon seeing someone step in front of them KEEP FUCKING SHOOTING - bless monica rambeau for willingly taking bullets for billy and tommy without knowing that she was bullet proof

- "nice tricks." "i like yours too" THEYRE TOO CUTE - DARCY MY ICON BEATING THE TRAFFIC JUST IN TIME TO ABSOLUTE WRECK HAYWARD, "have fun in prison!! :)"

- lmao not the visions having a battle of philosophy they would, but like real vision made a good point about who the real vision is and the ship of theseus

- white vision really said "gtg have an existential crisis!"

- agatha really uno reversed on wanda

- not vision shielding the twins im gonna cry not like im crying already or anything

- PERIOD WANDA USING THOSE RUNES HUGLYFKHJ - "but i dont need you to tell me who i am" AND THEN THE GOD DAMN COSTUME SCARLET WITCH COSTUME SHE LOOKS SO DAMN AMAZING AND IM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND - yes wandaaaa slurp that power out of her like a smoothie

- well ig agnes is back?

- their walk home literally made me cry, like it feels like a walk home on a warm summer night after a fun family outing to a restaurant or something, and the kids are jogging ahead laughing and playing, while the adults stay back and watch fondly but it's the last time theyre walking home together and now im sobbing

- can someone please edit a gifset of the first ep when vision carries wanda through the front door, and the last where they close the door for the last time i will love you forever

- no you dont understand i have no words for the amount of sadness i felt watching them tuck the twins into bed, and making it all domestic and fluffy but in reality their world is closing in on them and-

- "boys, thanks for choosing me to be your mom" the emotional damage this did to me

- the vision goodbye scene messed me up big time

- "you are my sadness, and hope, but mostly you're my love" im not kidding when im say that im making kevin mf feige for my therapy

- "we have said goodbye before, so it stands to reason..." "we'll say hello again" if this isnt a tease that vision is coming back im screaming

- "so long, darling" so much pain

- it feels like narnia where they come out of the wardrobe and nothing has changed, like wanda's just standing in the empty lot as if nothing happened

- MID CREDIT SCENE OMG FURY IS SENDING FOR MONICA OMG OMG OMG - end credit scene too babeyyyy

- i respect my girl for retreating to the mountains after that, but she's astral projecting??? while her body does stuff??? is she gonna try and search the multiverse for the twins??? bc if that screaming told me anything, it told me that the twins are coming back

- so i dont think wanda is gonna be a true villain, but the world is gonna perceive her as such, and she's gonna have to work to redeem herself in the eyes of the world

im winded yall. this is has been a long journey since jan 15, and we made it. all i gotta say is i lowkey miss the standby scene

ill see yall in like two weeks for falcon and the winter soldier, gonna go binge all of wandavision to feel something again!!

[iridescentkippen]

[this is gonna be a long one so strap yourselves in]

so i’d be a clown if i didn’t say something about today??? so for starters- happy one year anniversary to tyrus and muffy! i remember exactly where i was when the finale come out, and as someone who has trouble remembering what she did yesterday that shows you how much it stuck with me. i was in disney world on vacation with my family and hadn’t been thinking about time zones, so i opened tumblr and my dash was covered in people saying that tj stood for thelonious jagger (i feel bad typing it out bc he said we aren’t supposed to tell anyone sorry teej). i remember sobbing in the middle of the world showcase as i continued to refresh my dashboard and watch the spoilers roll in.

as a young gay kid from iowa, i didn’t have much in the way of representation in the media or around me in any way. i didn’t know anybody who was gay until i was in the fifth grade and one of my friends came out to me, and i didn’t even know what being gay was until i was eight or nine. i would have killed to have had a show like andi mack on tv when i was younger. to have been able to see someone like me on my screen would have maybe made me not sit in the closet for so long in retrospect oops

andi mack aired it’s first episode on youtube back in march of 2017 (i think??? if it wasn’t that it was late february). i remember watching it and falling in love with the show. something about the characters just made me want more- and so i continued to follow the show from the sidelines. i watched each episode and read the fanfiction, i even reblogged a gifset every once in a while. but it wasn’t until cyrus came out to buffy that i actually started to get into the friendom. and that was the best decision i ever made.

the friendom might be the best fandom on tumblr? i’m just gonna say it rn? idk i just am so grateful for everyone in this fandom- especially all of y’all who stuck around after the finale aired. you make it not so hard that our emotional support show is gone. i’m gonna wrap this up, but this was supposed to be what andi mack means to me and i derailed really fast oops

so what andi mack means to me. it means home. i never felt alone while watching am and there was never a moment i didn’t feel loved while talking to people in the friendom. i would give anything in the world to have it back- even just for one more season.

[if you read all this way you’re a real one ily]

[castiel-kline]

can we talk about the scene where jack meets his grandparents??? please?? it breaks my heart everytime and your kline family gifset didn't help. please ramble, kitkat!!

First of all anon I think you must be psychic because watching that scene is what gave me the idea to make that post and I saved the gifs under “kline family gifset” while I was editing them. Just wild to me that you phrased it exactly the same 😂

But I would absolutely LOVE to talk about this, yes. 

Under a cut because if you specifically ask for rambles, you’re gonna get some rambling 💕

Let’s start by talking about why he went in the first place. He had to sneak out of the Bunker to do so, which he knew full well was dangerous and going to get him in trouble. When he comes back (and gets in trouble) he tells Cas that “it wasn’t a risk” which, hmm. But then he goes on to say, “I heard what you were saying, Cas, about finding out where I came from. I never knew my mother. I thought the next best thing might be for me to meet the only real family that I have left.” Presumably he’s referring to earlier in the episode when Cas told him that “the past, where you came from, that’s important. But it’s not as important as the future and where you’re going.” 

And to be honest I feel like Jack did take a pretty good message out of that. It’s just so sad to me that at this point he still thinks family is defined by blood (big ouch for Cas there too), and I think maybe that’s because even though he was born thinking Cas was his father, everybody (the boys, angels, demons, etc) told him no. Everyone was telling him that Lucifer is his father, Lucifer is his dad because Lucifer is in his DNA, and that’s just how it is. So despite his connection with Cas being stronger than Lucifer’s influence even before Jack was born, he was forcibly taught that none of that mattered by everyone’s constant worrying that he’d turn out to be evil (which… I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure evil isn’t genetic. So the whole thing is a little wild anyway). 

Now, I’m convinced that Jack has always fully loved and trusted Cas, but I think the nature v. nurture mindset -of, you know, everyone- complicated things a bit at the start. Fortunately, though, nobody could take away or undermine his connection with Kelly in a similar way because they ARE biologically related, so a lot of the time in season 13 I feel like Jack was basing his actions on whether or not Kelly would approve. If I’m remembering correctly, the whole reason he gave Lucifer a chance in the first place (besides his natural curiosity) was because Kelly told him in the video she left for him that no one would blame him if he went looking for Lucifer one day. He’s CONSTANTLY thinking about Kelly. He loves her so much.

So here we are in the beginning of season 14, and Jack has no idea what he’s supposed to be doing. He feels useless, and because of that he’s doubting what his place is (unfortunately this is a very Castiel thing to do). So, as usual, he looks to his mother for guidance. But since he can’t ask her directly, and Cas was the only other person who actually knew Kelly (I feel like Jack’s the type of kid to avoid “bothering” dad when he’s busy), Jack somehow found his grandparents. Logical conclusion, not even gonna lie.

I really wonder how he even did that. How did he find out about them? Did Cas know they were still around? Where do they live? How did Jack get there, since he couldn’t drive yet and he couldn’t fly at the time? I guess those things aren’t that important in the long run. But he gets there, and UGH does this scene break me inside.

The simple fact that he sought them out hurts me and melts my heart simultaneously, but just… 

The look on his face when he opens the door is too much for me. It’s like this mix of refined fear (probably of rejection) and this open wonder because this woman is his grandmother. And he knows he can’t tell her that. And then when he introduces himself and Jack Sr. comes over like “My name is Jack too!” all excited, and Jack’s expression switches from something sad to more of that wonder and he just goes “I know.” AHHHH. I think he’s probably very proud to have something that connects him to Kelly and Kelly’s direct family even further.

The entire scene definitely gave off visiting the grandparents vibes, though. Jack Sr. is just a kindly old man, and I’m pretty sure Grandma Kline (wiki says her name is Helen?) actually handed him a glass of lemonade. And this lil exchange KILLS me:

“How did you know our Kelly? Through work?”

“She… basically gave me my start.” BABY. I’M EMOTIONAL.

And then he goes for the photo album and he’s so damn happy to see pictures of Kelly. The only ones he has is the video and the picture on his nightstand, right? Whatever Cas can tell him about her (admittedly not much, because they were the sweetest of friends but they didn’t know each other that long) really isn’t going to compare to actually seeing the things that make her real.

AND THEN the real punch of the scene comes when Mrs. Kline asks him about Kelly’s pregnancy. You can tell he wants to tell them SO BAD, but he doesn’t. He just says “she had the baby,” with the purest smile on his face. And he tells them it’s a boy, and they get so excited about having a grandson and Jack’s just sitting there, unable to tell them that HE is their grandson. And it breaks my heart.

“In the time I spent with her, she was an amazing mother. Her son loves her very much.” 

Cue ugly sobbing, yeah? And he just… keeps going. He talks about what he remembers about her before he was born, and he’s smiling but his expression changes to looking like he’s about to cry when he says “she made him feel safe and wanted.” And that is just too much for me because I’m sure he feels safe with Cas, and obviously he’s wanted and loved there. But Cas isn’t Kelly and can never fill that space. And Jack has spent so much of his life feeling like he’s an unwanted burden, and he hasn't had a lot of real bonding time with Cas yet. And sure, his relationship with Sam was good at this point, but sadly I think Jack never really feels like he’s fully accepted there because he doubts his place. He doesn’t with Cas, and he’s going to get opportunities to build on that. He doesn’t have to doubt it with Kelly either, but the memory of that feeling is literally all he has. And all the times he worried he wasn’t enough before this point, I’m sure he was holding on to that memory with everything that he had.

AND THEN Mrs. Kline says that Jack looks like Kelly… and this child gets so emotional. I feel like he’s honored. But he pulls himself together and says “I don’t know, but I hope someday to have a little of her courage and purpose.” And that hits HARD for many reasons, but knowing that Jack is constantly struggling to feel useful? I’m sobbing and screaming now.

He gets up to leave looking like he’s about to break down crying, and he’s just going “I didn’t mean to intrude” (because this is a boy with manners!!!) but it’s his little “I just had to meet you” that gets me. And then he gets to shake his grandpa’s hand and hug his grandma and say he misses Kelly too. It’s SUCH a fantastic scene.

And I think it really did help him a lot, too. He confirms that it did when Cas directly asks him about in the midst of his scolding about sneaking out. And then Cas confirms that Jack looks like Kelly, which melts my poor heart even further. What Jack says to Cas there, about how he wanted to tell them that he was their grandson… it hurts. It all hurts, actually, but it’s kind of a good hurt because spn actually managed to treat Kelly and Jack’s relationship with the respect and gravitas that it deserves. And the scene with his grandparents and his scenes with Cas, both the one building up to it and the one after, are the highlights of this episode in my opinion. 

I was not expecting this to become a scene breakdown, but I hope you enjoyed my ramblings! I am always happy to cry over Jack and Kelly in an overly verbose way.

[saieras]

21 THINGS I LOVED ABOUT ENDGAME

HEAVY SPOILERS. I always tag #endgame spoilers, so make sure to block that if you haven’t

1. THE FIRST 20 MINS

Expectations? Chuck them out the window. They weren’t kidding when they said all promotional material came from the first 20 mins!!! I loved how they got right into the thick of things, cameras blazing, completely no nonsense. And CAROL omg. Also I did NOT expect Thanos’ death to be, Just Like That.

2. The Time Jump.

Very, very smart move. I liked everything about the time jump. It lets us view the event with a lens of a world shattered, a world that has had the chance to come to its senses and reel from the catastrophe.

Although it might have other implications for FFH (like, how the hell is Ned still in Peter's class if he survived? Unless the entire decathlon team got dusted together, which, hey, kinda depressing but like they say, People who decathlon together, Dust together!)

3. Intro of Thor and Clint

The cinematographic shift, including atmosphere and music, was a bit jarring, but I quite liked it. And Korg and Meek! Just hanging out

Although I’m curious, why didn’t y’all give Thor body hair? He’s got a wild beard, a dadbod with a beerbelly... He ought to have a hairy chest/stomach! Same with Clint. That japanese dude Clint killed was still speaking after his throat got slit. Wut.

4. Scott Lang.

Just. Every joke he made. Fantastic.

But also I did not expect to shed my first tear at his and Cassie’s reunion. That was great.

5. Morgan. Tony and Morgan. Tony and Peter’s photo.

Domestic Tony. So soft. AND THAT PHOTO WAS HIS. In HIS HOUSE. FRAMED. I REALLY wish we got more but that moment was very powerful. Still, I was unsatisfied. I wanted Tony to cry. I wanted Morgan to also know about Peter. Basically I want more canonical proof of Irondad Spiderson. Like, listen, this is the one loss that haunts Tony to this day. Peter’s death was the kind of pain that made Tony terrified of going again, for fear of losing Morgan.

6. THE NYC SCENE.

ALL of it. From Tony the security guard, to him talking shit about his own deodorant, to him giving himself a cardiac arrest to cause a diversion and being like this is fine, nothing to see here. And Hulk vs stairs. And STEEB. OMG STEEB. “Hail Hydra.“ “I’ve got visuals on Loki.” “I can do this all da--“ “Yeah. I know. I know.“

“Bucky... Is... ALIVE“

And butt jokes. So many Steve buttjokes. I don’t ship stony, but that is the closest y’all will get to a stony suggestive scene.

ALSO LOKI just yeeting himself outta there. That’s ma boi!

7. Frigga and Thor.

Nuff said. Mama Frigga is the best.

8. Tony and Howard.

It’s really great how adorable Tony was throughout this scene. And... while Howard was NOT redeemed, it’s nice to know he did love his son. And it’s great that Tony got some closure.

9. Peggy and Steve.

Out of the Big Three’s scenes with their “significant past people”, this one was the least impactful for me, as they didn’t even talk, BUT in retrospect it set the scene for later perfectly.

10. Gamora saves the day!

This is GREAT and showcases her character very well, who she really is despite who Thanos raised her to be.

11. Clint and Natasha

Their friendship was on full display during this film. Their scenes. And how it was all platonic. The entire audience knew, as soon as they landed on Vormir, that one of them wasn’t going to make it.

12. Just, Natasha in general.

She’s really been allowed to SHINE in this film. ScarJo is finally allowed to act! Like, thank god. About time she snapped out of her resting impassive smirkface. I love the humanity we got to see out of Natasha as a result. And her heading the command center for a post-Snap Avengers is very apt for her.

13. THE BIG 3 FIGHT THANOS

There are many, many things to love here. But Thor wielding both weapons was amazing, them teaming up their powers with lightning and Tony’s tech, and STEEB with MJOLNIR allowed him to perform SO many cool tricks. Like playing vibranium squash with the shield. So fluid. That fight scene was something else.

14. THE ENTRANCE OF THE HEROES

Assembling for the final fight. I didn’t like how it turned into a slugfest (again), but that moment of hope when Sam hails Steve... Damn.

15. MY BABY BOY PETER

So proud of him. The way he flips in, and is instantly like Woah this is a Big Fight!! How we focus on him for a large part of the battle. How he’s running through the field with the gauntlet, and people all around him coming to help him.

16. Carol’s entrance.

She singlehandedly destroyed that purple grape’s hopes and shat all over his precious spaceship. That’s our girl!

17. “Hey Peter Parker. Got something for me?”

CAROL. CArol listen. You are his mom now. That’s how it works with that damn kid. That’s how he ended up with a whole fucking team of parents.

It be like that sometimes.

18. The LADIES of MARVEL

THEY ARE AMAZING. I fully expect a gifset when the bluray is out. Every one of them. Also the way they gathered around Peter, so soft yet so badass at the same time!

Also RESCUE. OMG. PEPP. And the battlefield fighting side by side with Tony.

19. The passing on of mantles

Steve to Sam (SO glad he didnt get passed over for bucky), Thor to Valkyrie, and Tony to Pepper. These are their legacies. And they’re very skillfully done.

I forgot to add that Steve’s choice to remain in the past and grow old is an EXTREMELY tasteful move. It completes his character arc, fulfilled his dreams from back during the CA First Avenger, and eases him out of the main picture without giving us more heartbreak. It’s sad, yes, but the kind of sad that is also laced with contentment and happiness. This is what he deserves.

20. Tony’s send-off.

His death. I was glad Pepper was the last one there, to tell him it’s okay, they’ll be fine, he can let go.

AND PETER. Peter was there, trying to talk to him, sobbing and breaking down. This is what I wanted, going in, if Tony were to die. And this is what I got. You just know this is going to haunt him in FFH.

And Tony himself. His immense sacrifice, the moment he knew what he had to do, the moment Strange held up that finger. One way. UGH.

I have to admit I wanted Peter to also be there when they’re playing back Tony’s recording. I like how they otherwise didn’t miss a single member of the IronFam, though, like Rhodey, Happy, Pepper, Morgan, they’re all there. But still, Peter should’ve been.

Also, how could I forget, Harley. He totally had every right to be attending that funeral. And it shows how Tony kept in contact with him.

21. And finally, Tony. RDJ.

Thank you. Beyond all words, Thank you.

This has been one hell of a ride.

How far we’ve come. So, thank you!

[bucksbisexual]

so....... i watched ep6 since apparently i like pain now and oh my fucking GOD

first of all, INKORN!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!

but also, INKORN TTTTTTT_TTTTTTT

TEARS PEOPLE. T EA R S

okay let me start from the beginning because what an episode yall

so . we start with a flashback and it was cute ! if only the last one was too HAHAHAHAHimcrying

team being like “hm...... manaow and del are really close lately......... Are They........” after i literally said it out loud was the biggest shared braincell moment i’ve ever had in my life and mind u i have a big sister who i’m very close with lmaO

(also, women are gay too pharm smh)

win being a little bitch with his I’m An Adult Bitch You Can’t Tell Me Shit to team god i love him sjfhksjf

DEAN HOLDING PHARM’S HAND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

pharm just going into cardiac arrest after dean interlocks their fingers is the biggest mood ever

also manaow baby that’s- that’s not how you check if someone is sick JKSHFSJHS

“don’t forget to eat your lunch” “don’t forget to swallow it too” “beware of choking” THEY REALLY- FHSKGFSLJJFKS

yes i went back to the episode to write that i have no memory whatsoever

i was so scared when dean had his flashback while driving like i was praying to every god in existence for him to not crash,,,, the flashback was cute though

that tear though........ that shit Hurt

but korn saying “like” !!!!!!! half of my brain was like “HE!!!!! LIKES!!!!!! HIM!!!!!!!!” and the other half was just “omg like ram” lmao

pharm calling manaow beautiful ;; yes she is she’s the most beautiful girl ever i love her with my whole heart

that mf guy who doesn’t know the meaning of no can CHOKE (also i heard the actor’s problematic or sumn???? so fuck him too bYe)

thankfully pharm is That bitch and shut him up not once not twice but a shit ton of times in like,,,, less 2 minutes

that’s my mans man hell yeah

apparently everyone in dean’s faculty knows pharm?????? lmaoooooo but when those 2 (and later 3) tried to flirt with him i was like???????? get tf out?????????? out here abusing of pharm’s niceness smh

thankfully dean came to the rescue jsfhsk

bro when pharm picked a thread and it led to dean i was like....... oh my God they actually did that

the FORESHADOWING bro

also that kiss scene......................... perfect i loved it even though i hate their outfits so much but i can get over it if it gives us this amazing scene

dean just ;; being patient with pharm and asking if he’s okay and just asking him until he gives oral (is it vocal? girl idk) answers to the questions he makes just to be sure ;;

god why can’t men be like dean why do u have to be Assholes smh

AND THE RED THREAD!!!!! BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!

dean making pharm wear his jacket sjfhksj u couldn’t be more territorial bro literally (and apparently) everyone knows you’re into each other theres truly no need jfshkf

“if it doesn’t invade our privacy too much, i think it’s okay. also, i think it’s a good way to let that person know that he shouldn’t mess with someone who isn’t single”

first of all, DEAN U ABSOLUTE SWEETHEART

second of all, the shadeeeeeeeeee lmao yes bitch drag his ass

and last, SKJLFHGLJKHSLKHKSJG

thank u for listening to my tedtalk

i will repeat myself, why can’t all men be like dean

also, a bonus: i of course went to the episode to get the dialogue and i saw the name lemon lemon and i was like “wait..... is that manaow???” so i google translated her name and it does mean lemon omg thats SO cute i love her even more rn

okay i don’t know if it’s only me but the girls from the cooking club? the best girls ever me thinks

okay we’re approaching the last part of the episode yall i felt so many emotions in like 13 minutes

we start with the worst, a Flashback.

i literally saw the outfit and started crying. like. no joke.

the mother??? sister?????? aunt?????? being hella worried and in being like “it’s okay i’ll be back in like . 2 seconds”

THIS BTICH NEVER CAME BACK

the little girl please i’m legit going to cry again thinking about her and imagining her waiting for in to come back home and just.... not really understanding whats happening when her mother (im guessing here) starts sobbing when she picks up the phone

OH MY GODDDDDDDD

also according to like,,, timeline and shit inkorn were  from the 60s or 80s right???? which means she’s still alive if nothing has happened to her..................

HAHA so much fun in this blog! just joy laughter and happiness!

also it was in’s birthday.............. oh my goodness

okay moving on to something that hurts less! team being the dunk boy on the booth omg win this is not how u flirt

also i realised that the open house thing happens like... mid first semester so it hasn’t been that long since deanpharm know of each other/have been talking damn bro

win teasing pharm is like,, one of my favourite things lmao i might do a gifset of these moments when i finish the drama if i’m not too lazy

deanpharm holding hands in public tho ;;;;;;; ok bitch call me single and ugly a little less louder

win though SJFKHS *looks at team’s hand* team: no. go away

oh god oh god oh godddddddd here comes the thread talk

the moment team said suicide i stopped the episode because i thought Something would happen to pharm but oh GOD I WAS NOT EXPECTING WHAT HAPPENED

THE STARES!!!!!!!! THE REALISATION!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE “PROMISE” AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUT THE FUCKUGISFUIKGJHSLGWJ

i will literally never recover

also i paused that scene so much just to scream into my comfort stuffed toy and i’m so sorry for her

i also couldn’t help but think of how the others at the table were like because if that was me idk what i’d do

i might cry or be like “wow u guys are such great actors” but inside my head because i’m an introvert

but god that was,,,,,,, yeah

and when they of course showed The flashback scene and i saw in’s outfit i cried because he truly never went back home

okay i think that’s it i literally took almost an hour to write this because i tried following the episode while having a thousand thoughts in my head + make lots of typos lmao

i hope these aren’t too bothersome to u guys ;; i post these because i need to share my thoughts somewhere but if someone doesn’t want to see them u can mute the tags i use in these posts or something hhhhh

i might use an specific one for these tho because if i gotta make 17 of these at least let’s make them be organised some way,,,,,

alrighty that’s all byebyeeeee

[stevesnailbat]

the fine line | steve harrington x hopper!oc

part three : test of my patience

SERIES MASTERLIST

warnings: just a lot of angst

word count: 2.7K

a/n: one part left after this!! i hope you guys have enjoyed this angst-filled rollercoaster as much as i have :) gif isn’t mine, it’s from this gifset

Driving to Steve’s house was like second nature to Jess, but she didn’t think she’d ever be doing it again. There she was, though. She was on her way to talk to the boy who broke her heart, and she felt like a fool. It wasn’t like she meant for this to happen, she didn’t mean to come crawling back to Steve, but it happened. Jess couldn’t help but think that she had done it to herself, that she had put herself into the situation by telling him that she couldn’t stop loving him. She couldn’t help herself anymore, she needed answers and if those answers weren’t what she wanted to hear, then she needed closure.

An incessant knocking on the front door of the Harrington residence was the last thing that Steve expected on a Sunday at nine in the morning. When he first heard it, he groaned softly and shoved his head under a pillow to drone out the sound. It didn’t work, though. The pounding didn’t stop for the whole minute that he laid beneath the warm covers, so he decided to answer just to get them to shut up. He wanted nothing more than to stay in his bed and sulk all day, the words that Jess had whispered to him the night before replaying in his mind as he did. He didn’t think that he’d ever be opening the front door to his house to see Jess on the other side again, but here he was.

“Steve.” she said shakily. “We need to talk.”

“Oh—uh—alright. Come on in.” he offered nervously, studying the way she still seemed so hesitant about him.

She came in without saying anything and sat on the couch, in the same spot she had sat in when she came to confront him just weeks before. This time seemed different, though. She didn’t seem to be holding any anger, but there was a certain sadness in the way she was holding herself together. Jess seemed to be on the brink of tears, but she didn’t really even know why.

“Jess.” Steve called after a moment, realizing that she had spaced out and was about to break down in front of him.

“Right—Sorry.” she said, shaking her head to snap herself back to reality. “I—I came here to talk to you about us.”

“Us?” he questioned hesitantly, unsure of what she meant. “As in?”

“Me and you, Steve. What we were.” she retorted, resentment in her voice as she used the past tense. “I’ve had my time to cope, to deal with the emotions that I was feeling. I—I know I wasn’t ready to listen when I came here that day that I found out, I was just so upset.”

“And you had every right to be upset.” he said while walking to the couch, sitting a safe distance away from her. “You still do.”

“I know I did.” Jess said with narrowed eyes, making him recoil a little further away from her. “But that doesn’t mean that I had the right to not listen to you.”

“What?” Steve asked, brow furrowed as he stared at her from afar.

“I never really let you explain the situation or let you tell your side of the story, I guess.” she shrugged. “I was just so mad at you and I couldn’t even think to let you explain what happened. I believed that you were only out to hurt me.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you, I really didn’t. I know it doesn’t seem like it, and I know I fucked up. But, I wouldn’t do this to hurt you.” he explained, words coming out a little more struggled than he’d wanted. “I didn’t know what was happening, honestly. I know that sounds like the stupidest excuse ever, it does. I hear how stupid it sounds every time I say it. But, I thought it was you. The voice, the hair, everything to drunk me was the same.”

She didn’t realize that there were tears sliding down her cheeks until one of them dripped onto her hand. She couldn’t help but believe what he was saying, he sounded so sincere. And he was, he was as truthful as he could be in the moment. The night was pretty blurry to him, but he could clearly remember how he knew he’d fucked up after he’d done it.

“When Tina barged into that bedroom.” he started painfully, unable to look up at her as she stared over at him. “I had stopped that girl, whoever the hell it actually was, from kissing me again. When we were in the living room, it was dark and loud and I swore to God that it was you. I even asked her why she wasn’t watching El—like I knew you were that night—and she just said she wanted to see me, or something like that. Then—Then she led me to the bedroom and was kissing me and I could tell—I could just fucking tell that it wasn’t you, it wasn’t your lips. I don’t remember much else but I remember her kissing me right before Tina came in, and I tried to stop her. I knew as soon as Tina came in that I had fucked up, and that I was going to lose you.”

There was something in Steve’s voice that made her fold, it made her finally break. In all of the time that they’d been apart, Jess had told herself that she was strong and that she could get over it, that it wasn’t worth her tears. Sure, she’d cried about it, but never for more than a moment. This time was different, though. Jess knew she couldn’t hold back anymore, she’d been strong for too long.

Steve didn’t know what to do when he heard the first whimper slip from her lips, he thought he was imagining it at first. Jess Hopper was the type to never cry over anything, her dad had taught her that nothing so arbitrary was worth her tears anymore, especially after everything they had gone through. But, this time, she was too broken to hold back. Seeing the tears stream down her face as a small sob wracked her body broke Steve’s heart, but he knew he deserved to have his heart broken like he’d done to her.

“Jess, I—“ he started, but the look she gave him as he opened his mouth told him that he had said enough.

“I tried to hate you. I fucking tried, I really did. I wanted to resent you for what you’ve done to me. But, I just—I just fucking couldn’t.” she said, her voice barely above a whisper as she struggled to choke down her sobs. “I wanted to believe that you were just trying to hurt me and break my heart, but I knew that wasn’t you. I knew that wasn’t the Steve Harrington that I fell in love with. I knew there was something else to the story, I was just too mad to even hear it.”

“You deserved to let me die with my truth, honestly. I didn’t deserve time to explain what happened. I shouldn’t have put myself in that situation, I don’t expect you to forgive me for this, Jess.” he said softly, moving a little closer to where she sat.

“I—I know. I’m not forgiving you, Steve.” she said softly, shaking her head at her own voice. “I just—I don’t know. There’s something that keeps bringing me back to you. I’ve tried to tell myself that you broke my heart so many times, but I can’t stop thinking about us, what we had.”

“I don’t—I don’t think I understand what you mean.” Steve said carefully, easing into his words as he spoke.

“I’m not just gonna say that I forgive you and that I’ll forget everything that happened. That’s not what this is, because I don’t believe you’ve earned that.” she started, he nodded feverishly in reply. “But, fuck, Steve. I miss you. I—I miss seeing you all the time and I miss us.”

“I know, Jess. I’ve missed you too.” he sighed, watching as she sniffled and wiped her tears from her eyes. “But, what are you trying to say?”

“I guess I’m trying to say that we can start over. I can do second chances, everyone deserves one.” she said wearily, a sad smile on her lips. “I’m trying to say that I want you in my life and—and that maybe we can work this out together.”

“I mean, if that’s what you want, Jess. I’m willing to do whatever you want.” he said, trying not to sound too excited as his heart skipped a beat. “Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

“Yeah, I think so.” she sighed, finally looking up at him with a nervous look on her face. “Don’t make me regret my decision, Steve.”

So they tried, and tried, and tried to make things work again. Steve worked his ass off to be the best that he could be and to make sure that he didn’t slip up. They started out slow, by only seeing each other every other day and doing so in small sittings. Jess didn’t know why she decided that, but it probably had something to do with her fear of arguing with him.

Some days were better than others, that’s for sure. Steve would bring her food or take her some new place every time they’d hang out, trying to make things like they used to be. Jess seemed to be happier now, but there was still something holding her back from being the real her. Of course, Steve knew what it was, but was afraid to mention it for the sake of saving them from more arguments.

Her heart was tugging her in two directions every time they were together. She wanted to be in his arms and let him back into her life without hesitancy, but she knew she couldn’t. Steve could see the struggle hidden in her eyes whenever they were together, he always saw right through her facade. It was killing him honestly, seeing her hide her conflict from him all the time. But he’d made so much progress that he didn’t want to fuck anything up again, so he stayed quiet.

Steve stayed quiet for weeks, for as long as he could muster being in the dark. Really, she was testing his patience to see how long he could hold out without trying to comfort her; she didn’t want to talk about what happened and he knew that. The day that he decided that he was going to bring up the situation again, she had come out of the cabin with tears in her eyes. She slammed the front door shut and wiped her cheeks quickly, giving him a sad smile as she walked towards the car. A sigh of frustration escaped her lips as she swung the car door open and shut, but Steve didn’t dare to ask what was wrong yet. He was on the verge of taking back his decision to ask her about their relationship at this point.

“Steve.” she said as he pulled out of the driveway, making him snap his attention in her direction to see an all-too-sudden change of expression on her face. “Let’s go to the quarry."

“I thought we were going to that movie—“ he started.

“Fuck the movie. I want to go to the quarry, please?” she pleaded, more than a hint of desperation in her voice as she spoke. “I just wanna get away for a little bit.”

“Alright, but it’s on you if your dad gets mad about it.” he agreed teasingly, making her lip quirk up slightly.

Most of their times at the quarry were in the middle of the night and spent getting drunk or high and making out in the backseat of the BMW, but this time was different. Neither of them could stomach the thought of drinking again, not after what had happened. As much as they’d both rather be making out in the backseat of Steve’s car, they both knew they couldn’t, not after what had happened. The sun was setting when they pulled into their usual spot, it seemed like a completely different place now. Jess pulled him out of his seat and onto the hood of the car, insisting that they watched the sunset together.

The silence between them was peaceful, for once. There was no resentment and pain in the air anymore, things finally seemed to be changing for the better. They watched the sun slip behind the trees on the other side of the quarry, stars littering the sky as the moon replaced the sun. Steve could tell that Jess was thinking hard about something. He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to know what it was, but he knew that it probably had to do with him. It seemed like they were finally going to talk about what was going on, wether he wanted to or not.

“My dad and I got into a fight today.” Jess finally admitted, leaning back on the hood of the car to stare at the stars beginning to show up in the sky. “He told me that I’m making a big mistake.”

Steve’s heart sunk as she spoke, he didn’t even need her to finish her thought to know exactly what he was talking about. He was the big mistake, and he knew it. Jess was staring at the sky, trying to collect her thoughts as she held herself together. She could tell by the way that Steve was holding tension in himself, that he knew exactly what she meant. He was bracing himself for her to finally break it off, for her to finally tell him that he could go fuck himself and that she was just trying to break his heart like he had done to her. But, she knew better than to do that to him. He’d tried so hard at winning her over once again and she could tell he’d become frustrated recently with their lack of progress.

“He asked me if I thought that you deserved to be happy, if I thought that you were even worth the pain I was going through.” she started, taking a deep breath as she blinked away a few tears. “I said yes. I told him that I can’t hate you for what happened, especially after what you told me. He told me he wasn’t going to support my decision, but that he’d still let me make my own decisions, make my own mistakes.”

He only nodded and smiled weakly at her as he leaned back to prop himself onto his elbows, looking up at the stars with her. Relief started to rush through him, but he knew he couldn’t be completely relieved yet.

“I think about what things would’ve been like if this wouldn’t have happened a lot. But then I remember that that’s something we’ll never know. And that I need to stop thinking about the what if’s.” she sighed, rolling her head over to look at him. “We need to work together if this is going to work, and I’m sorry I’ve been holding back.”

“Why are you sorry, Jess?” Steve questioned, feeling her hand graze against his as she inched closer to him.

“Because I shouldn’t be so conflicted about this whole situation. I’ve been getting scolded for going back to you, but I shouldn’t be so sorry for still—“ she said, stopping herself before she could say she loved him, he hadn’t earned that privilege yet and he knew it. “I shouldn’t be so sorry for wanting to save what we had. And before I start to overthink my decisions anymore, I wanna do this.”

Before Steve could comprehend what was happening, Jess had snaked her hand around his neck and pulled him down into a kiss. It was soft and reserved, much different than any kiss the couple had ever shared. It was sad in a way, but there was hope in the air again. Their hearts were finally healing, but they were nowhere near done on their journey. That extremely fine line was getting easier to navigate now that they were on the same page, it would be easier to fall back in love again and they both knew it.

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