#when i started i thought what could be worse than my already horrid pms and shitty cramps and acne all over the face

[psy-ay-ay]

every time i look up any gynecological research i wanna start murdering people

[thebearcathideout]

The Absolutely Dumb Decision I Made When I Heard There Was Smog In NYC

Yes, below is a photo I took in Times Square. You’ll figure out how we got here in a second.

This looks like something out of Cyberpunk 2077.

Hello everyone! My name is Evan Ke. I’m a rising sophomore at Binghamton University.

At around 2 PM on Wednesday, the smog in New York City was at its worst. The windows of my house were yellow, and you couldn’t make out anything farther than a couple feet away. The weather out there was terrifying, it would probably not repeat for another millennia. That’s when I made the spur-of-the-moment decision to go see Times Square.

My goal was simple: I would take photos of as many famous landmarks as I could before the day was over. If the weather behaved, this would be the photo shoot of my life. I packed up my backpack and left my comfortable home in northern Queens to begin my journey to Manhattan.

I’ve explored Manhattan before. During my high school years, I would go on 3-mile-long “hikes” from Downtown to Midtown Manhattan. These led me to various landmarks. Even if you live in NYC, there’s probably places I’ve seen that you’ve never been to.

My hopes were high. This is what it’s like to be one of those “tornado chasers,” I thought! Despite being an amateur photographer, I felt like a war reporter. On the bus to Flushing, the weather continued to look horrid outside. Upon hearing my plan, my mother instantly called me and begged me to return home, but I didn’t listen.

I boarded the 7 train to Times Square, where I saw other people heading in the same direction I was. Did these people also know they’re risking their lives? One of these people confirmed my suspicions: the man in front of me was testing out a professional camera. These people were daredevils, just like me! We were going into the eye of the storm.

After taking public transit for a total of one hour, I had finally arrived at Times Square, and started taking photos.

This one eerily captures how Elmo is “looking up.” If this was a disaster film, he would be the protagonist. He must be thinking, “how did we end up here?”

I shared the photos with my family in our group chat. Soon after, my brother asked the question, “see if you can see the skyline of the Empire State building.” That’s a question I wanted the answer to as well. As I sat on public transit on my way there, I studied the photos I’d taken. The photos I took in Queens had smog that was worse and yellower than in any of my Times Square photos. This was good news for my health, but not for my photography. The weather would not behave.

I got off at the Empire State Building. When I looked up, the sun was still red from all the smog, but… the whole skyscraper was visible.

The Empire State Building. The smog is clearing up.

This isn’t good. Despite the dramatic camera angle, these weren’t the “low-visibility” photos I imagined in my head. It was so strong in Queens, why couldn’t it happen here?

To visit the next location, I took the W train to the Flatiron Building. When I left the station, I couldn’t believe my eyes. The smog had cleared up even more! Furthermore, the Flatiron Building was still under construction, a fact I forgot about, but remembered seeing the last time I visited here nine months ago.

The Flatiron building, under construction. The sky has BLUE in this photo.

It was 5 PM when I took this photo. Unbeknownst to me, my mom had already seen a bunch of great photos at 2 PM by people living in Manhattan, or by actual reporters. My brother was chatting with an online friend from Quebec, and my brother brought up what I was doing today. His friend responded, “tell him his safety is worth more than his scoop” — scoop as in journalism. The tides were turning, and I was going to be rocked by the Sea of Sadness.

The arch at Washington Square Park, the next location I visited. You can see the Empire State Building behind it, shrouded in smog.

It was 5:30 when I got off the A train at Chambers Street. This was the last location I‘d be, where I hoped to be close enough to the Statue of Liberty to take a photo. However, exhausted, I sat down on a ledge and called my mom.

I told her about my ordeals. She told me what I deserved to be told: that I was dumb for risking my life, whether or not the photos paid it off. And earlier in the trip, I had filled my MetroCard with $20 extra, and I was down $10 from all the subway rides. So not only did I waste money, I also didn’t get the photos I wanted.

After I hung up, I was defeated. All of the reasons I had started this journey were nullified. “Photo shoot of my life” — what a foolish idea! My skills in navigating Manhattan had only brought me into this mess. I didn’t have the same importance of a war reporter, I was just the amateur. Even worse, though I had taken buses and subways the whole day, I truly was outdoors for most of the day and wasn’t inside. I had risked lung cancer, or days taken off the end of my life.

I trudged on towards the Hudson River coast, starting to feel the effects of a headache. At least there, I got this only good photo out of the whole ordeal.

A red sun overlooking a hazy New Jersey skyline.

Then, I walked south along the esplanade to get closer to the Statue of Liberty. Even closer. Could I take a good photo? Only one way to find out. I took out my phone and-

Worst photo of the Statue of Liberty ever.

There’s no words to describe how bad this photo is. This could win an award for “worst photo of the Statue of Liberty”. It would be uncontested. No matter how many submissions people attempt for years after this, it could never beat this.

I went to Shake Shack to recuperate, then headed home. Once I was back, I got a dressing-down by my mom.

Moral of the story, don’t be dumb. And listen to your parents; even when you’re a college student they’ll know something you’re bound to learn soon.

[youralternantpersonality]

Dreams

Seth x Reader: Wanting you

Warning: Breaking fourth wall. Let me know if you catch it 😉 and gender-neutral parental names

Part 1: “Dreams” by Ella Eyre

Part 2: “You’ve Got It Bad” by Usher

Part 3: “Never Give Up on Love” by Bobby Tinsley

***

Y/n POV

“Will that be all for you?” I say, finishing up writing down the order.

“Well, I could get your number, beautiful.” One thing that is horrible about being a waitress is dealing with the harassment that comes with it. The best way to deal with verbal harassment (like in this situation) is by giving them the “AS,” as my friends would call it. The Awkward Stare. Now, this stare isn’t having ME become awkward; oh no, this is to make sure THEY do. Essentially, you would look at the predator straight in the eyes and give a resting bitch face until they become uncomfortable and silent. To the point where the whole table is uncomfortable. Kind of like your high school teacher would look at the student when no one would shut up. Once they were fully engaged in avoiding my eyes, I gave a final smile and went put in their order at the counter.

“You know, you could be a little less cute and more intimidating?” said Orion, my now lifetime best friend since I had started this job a couple of months ago. I turn to look at him and give him the finger as he walked around me to bring his tables their food.

“He does have a point. Straighten up your back more, pull your shoulders back, and clock your head to the side just a little. That way, you’ll really knock them.” Emily said. She was a regular here. Every Wednesday at 4 pm and Sunday at 12:30 pm, she would come in, go to her usual spot at the counter, and either order the chiefs salad with a side of a sliced pickle, the garden burger with seasoned fries, or 5 stack pancake with orange/apple juice. Her husband Sam or another kid named Jared and his girlfriend Kim come on Sunday morning, grabbing a crap ton of food (so Emily doesn’t have to cook) and leave. Polite men, scary—at least Sam can be, but polite. Jared is just a child, and I can do nothing but pray for Kim.

“You mean like that ugly pink toad lady from-”

“Don’t say it!” I roll my eyes. Ever since KJ Bowling expressed her feelings towards the LGBTQA+ community, she refuses to acknowledge it. The disbelief and sadness that took over for the love of Henry Planter she had were wild, yet kind of crazy to watch.

“Look, it could be worse. You could love the Dawn saga by Tephanie Neyer and find out that she is horrid in disguise. But hey! Once it hit 2 years, you’ll start realizing all the fucked-up shit in the series and slowly be okay. Dawn fans know Tephanie is fucked up, we know the series is fucked up, we acknowledge it all and take full responsibility for liking it, but some still like it. We don’t support it, but we like it.” I tell her, shrugging my shoulders. I have to remember, she’s a rookie in this game.

“That’s true. Why are the best authors the most fucked up?” she says, playing with her fries I just placed down in front of her.

“Because they hate us and know what the population likes. Just like politics.” I say, stealing one of her fries.

“I don’t know how you guys like that series! Wasn’t there racism, classism with the Ghoul’s and Werecats, hyper-sexualization on the prides where the cats came from, misinformed information, plagiarism, and too, I don’t know, squishy and fluffy in them?” Orion asked.

“First off, they were shapeshifters. Secondly, only in Dawn, Dusk, and Night were squishy. But only because Bethany and Elliot were on their honeymoon in the last one. Daytime didn’t have it because Elliot broke up with Bethany.” I nod in agreement while grabbing the food for my tables.

“I thought their name was Ben and Evy?”

“No, that’s the gender swap version,” I say, walking away with the food. I place the food down at one table and refill drinks to another; some of the reservation guys come in. Seth, Embry, Jake, and Quil. I look over to Orion to call him for his table, but it looks like he and Emily are in a heated discussion about the book series. So, I take over for him. As I walked over to the table, I made eye contact with Seth, and my stomach flipped.

Why you in my dreams? Don't know much about you But I heard about you for the longest time And I see you 'round whenever I go out With some friends of mine And I remember when I saw you standing in a different light It's funny where my mind goes when I'm in my bed at night though

As I lay in bed, I notice that my feelings become stronger and stronger for him almost every time I see him. He was a few inches shorter than me, cheerier, and lanky. I always saw Seth and his friends, but out of nowhere, these…flutters? Feelings? Emotions I don’t like started eating me up every time I see him. I know it might be a crush, I won’t even deny that, but…why?

I toss and turn that night and eventually give up on trying to sleep and just stare at the ceiling, thinking of him. Confused and resistant to even wanting to think about it. The last thing I need is to be in a relationship while in my fucked situation as is. I don’t need my guardians knowing anything about Seth either.

But then again, just like evil authors, life fucks us all over, and you can help but go along with it. Well, unless you sue them. Then that’s different.

'Cause I push you away in real life You ain't even close to my type But when I'm sleeping Everything's upside down, upside down, yeah I saw you last night in my, my dreams It felt so beautiful, I almost believed We were a thing and I liked it I never looked at you like this Till I saw you last night in my, my dreams Why you in my dreams? (Why you in my? Why you in my?) Why you in my dreams? (Why you in my? Why you in my mind?) Seth POV

I saw her again today. She was walking down the hallway with Orion and Kayla to gym class, and we made slight eye contact before Jake decided to take my attention away from her. I look at him, but I don’t really pay attention to him. I don’t know when it happened, but I have always loved Y/n. When she transferred here in middle school, she was cute, shy, and had (and still has) a babyface.

I could never talk to her. Every time I was around her, I’d get so scared and freeze up. And although we’re in high school, I still can’t control it. Lately, my feelings have been getting stronger. Not just with her, but in general. I don’t know what it is, but it’s taking a lot more of my energy trying to control myself. Leah and mom have noticed it too. But Embry was the worst. Speaking of which,

“Hey, where’s Embry?” Quil and Jake looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.

“But did you hear a word I said?”

“Obviously not. He was too busy gawking at Y/n.” Quil said, laughing. I rolled my eyes and walked away. Ass-whores.

After school, we head to the diner and, like always and on cue, Jake and Quil make fun of me because Y/n works there. I roll my eyes at them and attempt to push them off me without smiling, but I can’t help it; they’re stupid. It’s not their fault.

Fell asleep at nine And once I closed my eyes, girl, you were so, so mine We laid in the dark, you left in morning light But, girl, it felt so right And if it's in our minds then we should make it life Girl, I mean real, real life Nothing's never for ya We were all and over for ya 'Cause I push you away in real life You ain't even close to my type But when I'm sleeping Everything's upside down, upside down, yeah I saw you last night in my, my dreams It felt so beautiful, I almost believed We were a thing and I liked it I never looked at you like this Till I saw you last night in my, my dreams

That night I quickly dreamed of her without even having to try to at this point. Every time I want to or attempt to talk, I freeze. Thinking about her just makes me feel…warm. Her beautiful y/e/c eyes are captivating. They’ll draw you in, and once you’re in, you’re stuck. Her y/h/(L/C/T) hair embraces and defines her facial features.

The dream always starts out the same. I’m running through the forest at a high fast pace towards a place that always ends up being her home. I follow around the house to her room on the left side of the house towards the forest. As I look at her window, I see her sitting at the window seal and we instantly make eye contact. My heart stops for a second—she smiles and I walk up to her window to come inside. She doesn’t open the window. She places her hand on the window and my much larger now hands cover hers. We look at one another and smile.

I’m not bothered by her not opening the window. I’m just happy she isn’t freaked out about my presence. Unfortunately, every time she goes to open the window, my alarm wakes me up. And when I mean alarm, I mean Leah.

I groan and curse her and the need to wake me up so early. As I get ready, I think of Y/n and I can’t help but smile. Today’s going be a good day.

Why you in my dreams? (Why you in my? Why you in my?) Why you in my dreams? (Why you in my? Why you in my mind?) Y/n POV

The weekend comes and I’m heading in for my shift Sunday morning. I usually wouldn’t work weekends, but that was before I met Emily. I have Friday and Saturday off instead. It’s eight in the morning and Kayla, two of the cooks, and I all pile in before we open at nine. By 9:30, a few families start piling in and by 10, we have the food catered to Sam or Jared ready.

“Hey, Kim!” I wave to her as she walks into the diner. She waves back and heads to the counter. After setting up my table, I head over to the food and help her pack it up in the truck.

“I see you guys ordered more food than usual. Did more family members move into the area?” I say, passing her the multiple trays from the cart to the car.

“Yeah…something like that,” she laughs it off, “but rest assure, this will be gone within the next 45 minutes…maybe sooner.” I laugh with her. I believe her 100 percent. After seeing Jared and Sam, I already know their family that Kim describes them to be, is just as big, if not larger, then this food should hold them off for 2 hours. Maybe.

“Well, that’s all of them: drive safe, Hun. And stop by sometime after school. You’ll miss the adventures of Orion and Emily arguing over pink and rose gold.”

“Aren’t they different?” I nod my head. “But they’ll argue over that?” I nod my head again. She shakes her head and smiles. “Em usually starts it?”

“Sometimes. Only when she needs a good laugh or when she just feels like fucking with him. Last week they were in a heated discussion about the Dusk saga.”

“Oh, dear god! She told me about that. I can’t believe she went that deep into it with him.” Kim laughs.

“I know. That’s probably the only time they’re not being repelling off the same topic. Normally one would disagree for the fuck of it, but they put their fuckery aside and agreed to agree on that topic.” We both laugh. I finish up my conversation with Kim and head inside.

If I gotta fall asleep, sleep to see ya Then I'm gonna fall asleep, sleep to see ya It's different in the daylight Miss you, I dunno know why If I gotta fall asleep, sleep to see ya Let me fall, fall deep, deep to see ya It's different in the daylight See you in a new light 'Cause I push you away in real life You ain't even close to my type But when I'm sleeping Everything's upside down, upside down, yeah

I wave bye to Em, and Orion comes in. I clock out for my break and go sit in one of the booths in the back. As I am prepping my garden burger with ketchup, I think back to my dream I had last night. This one was recently new, confusing, but knew. I take a much-needed bite of my food and relax for the next 15 minutes.

I just got done with my daily nighttime routine, unable to sleep due to Taylor and Kennedy arguing, I go to my window and look outside. I look up at the sky and just drift off into a world of daydreaming until something catches my eye in the bestrew of trees next to my house. As I continue to look, I see big brown eyes of an animal. I smile and the animal walks out of the trees slowly and morphs into Seth. I smile brighter as he comes closer and closer to me. By the time he reaches me, I can feel myself become excited and full of glow, happiness, and this sensation of warmth.

He steps up to the window and smiles down at me. I place my hand on the cold glass and he looks down at my hand and does the same. I can feel the heat radiating from his skin, which only makes me smile more. I unlock the window and just as I am about to open it, my alarm wakes me up.

I’ve been stuck on this for so long that Orion had to shake me out of my daydream. I put my food aside for later and went back to work. I’ll just deal with the dream another time.

I saw you last night in my, my dreams It felt so beautiful, I almost believed We were a thing and I liked it I never looked at you like this Till I saw you last night in my, my dreams Why you in my dreams? (Why you in my? Why you in my?) Why you in my dreams? (Why you in my? Why you in my mind?)

MasterList

[minbbydoll]

So Cold - 전 정국 (002)

↳ Genre : Angst

↳ Pairing : Cheating Husband!Jungkook x Mistress!Reader

↳ Description : Jeon Jungkook the man you dream to hold close to you as he tells you how much he loves you, a dream that will never happen though because he’s married to your best friend, you’ll only ever be a mistress to him. Someone who is so easily replaceable, he’ll never love you and you know it but you still can’t stop hoping for something more. You still can’t stop putting yourself through the heartbreak over and over again.

↳ Word count : 4.8k

↳ Warnings : Unprotected sex, public sex, dirty talk, cream pie, yelling, sad TaeTae, cheating, degrading words (again mostly slut), jealousy, Jungkook trying to kill your date

↳ A/N : I hope you guys are enjoying this fanfic, I really like to hear from you. There’s a bit in this part so you feel bad for TaeTae, feel bad for TaeTae he deserves some love. 🥺 So I was trying to figure out who should date you and his voice came on and I was like Y E S ! 🤩

001, 003

-

Seen my dreams all die.

“I think I wanna see other people, Jungkook.”

Jungkook looked at you with wide eyes, a look of despair on his face. “What why- what’re you talking about, see other people?”

You scooted away from him a little, “I-I just- you have Tae and I get lonely, I just think I want someone to love me.”

Love, love? Jungkook gave you a hard look, his eyebrows furrowed. “But you have me.” You looked at Jungkook with a stoic face, “No Jungkook, I don’t have you, Taehyung has you and that’s why this is wrong. Tae doesn’t deserve this.”

Jungkook scoffed, he felt annoyed but was unsure why, “Whatever, you wanna date go ahead but we’re not stopping this.” Knowing him, you know he’s upset but why, if anything he should wanna stop this just as much as you so he doesn’t lose Taehyung.

“Gukk, don’t be mad please.” You placed your head on Jungkook’s shoulder and held him closer to you. Jungkook sighed against you and he nuzzled his head into your neck.

“I’m not mad, princess I just don’t understand why you want to end this but if you wanna date, I won’t stop you.” You pulled away from Jungkook to look at his face but he didn’t meet your eyes.

“I think I should go [Name], Tae’s probably worried.” Jungkook moved away from you and started to get dressed. You’ve gotten used to him leaving after sex but that doesn’t help the emptiness it left in your heart.

Just before Jungkook left he turned back to look at you, “[Name], you should talk to Taehyung he’s been really down because you haven’t been talking to him.”

-

Taehyung had awoken from the nightmare he was having, he felt upset from it and wanted comfort. Taehyung turned to his other side, his husband no longer there.

Taehyung wondered why his husband wasn’t in bed, he looked in the bathroom but he wasn’t there either, he looked in the kitchen, the guest rooms, the living room, outside and basically the whole house but he was nowhere to be found.

Taehyung ended back up in his room, he didn’t want to be alone. He held his cellphone and just stared at your contact. He needs you right now but you’ve been ignoring him.

Taehyung doesn’t know what to do, does he call you, does he text you, does he just show up at your house? Taehyung just turned off his cellphone and cried, he let everything go, the sudden coldness not only from his husband but his best friend too.

He couldn’t understand what he has done to make you both upset. He really needs someone right now but the only people he really cares about are being so distant.

-

Jungkook took another sip of his brandy, his lips wrapped around the tulip glass as the liquid slid down his throat. He let out a dejected sigh, why did he feel like shit, why did he feel like he wanted to take you out with him and proudly show you off to anyone who dared to look at you, shouldn’t he want to do that with Taehyung?

Jungkook looked void of any emotion except for depression, a Latin American woman spotted Jungkook and smirked. She fixed her tight red dress and pushed her breasts closer together. 

She added more of her matching red lipstick and slowly walked closer to Jungkook. She sat in the seat next to him but before she could say anything he muttered something which had her confused.

“I’m sorry what’d you say, I couldn’t hear you.” The song skin by Rihanna filled both of their ears and it made it hard to hear what Jungkook said. “I said your body disgust me, so don’t even try.” 

A look of shock on her face, she’d never been rejected before so she was confused as to what to do now. “Tough night, baby?” Jungkook roughly put his glass down and looked at her with his dark piercing eyes. “Even worse now that you, whore are pestering me with your presence.”

She scoffed, “It’s not whore, it’s Aurora like the princess.” She changed from a frown to a nice wide smile showing off her pearly white teeth. “I think my mom knew I was going to come out perfect.” Jungkook’s thoughts faded to you, your smile and how your eyes lit up every time he came over with your favorite food. 

He couldn’t help but smile at how you loved to cuddle with him and how you looked so cute pouting every time he teases you about it. It was now Jungkook’s turn to scoff, “You’re far from perfect, there’s someone else more deserving to be named after a princess that I know.” 

Aurora kept her smile, “Then why isn’t she here with you prince.” He took the last sip of his drink before standing up, “Because I’m undeserving of her, don’t ever call me prince again.” 

Aurora couldn’t help but laugh, “Again? Does this mean we’ll meet again?” Jungkook flicked her off before saying, “I sure hope not.” He walked through body after body to get out of the club he was in.

-

[Jackson] : Hi, I’m Jackson my friend Yugyeom said you were up for a date. - 10:35 am

[Jackson] : Sorry, my last text is so stupid, do you wanna go one a date with me. - 10:36 am

[Jackson] : Sorry again I really should ask if you’re free first, are you free? - 10:37 am

The texts you read were cute, he was nervous. You figured it’d be best to text back now before you make him more nervous.

[Name] : Hi, this is [Name] and yeah I’m up for a date now. - 10:37 am

It didn’t even take a full minute before he texted back.

[Jackson] : Sure, just let me know when I can pick you up, Yugyeom already gave me your address. - 10:37 am

[Jackson] : Oh god, that probably sounded so creepy, I’m sorry. - 10:38 am

You smiled at your phone as you took another sip of your lukewarm coffee.

[Name] : How about we have lunch together, so maybe at 2:30, is that okay with you? - 10:38 am

[Jackson] : Yeah that’s more than okay with me. - 10:39 am

[Jackson] : Oh god, I keep sounding like a creep I’m really sorry. - 10:39 am

[Name] : It’s perfectly fine, I can feel how nervous you are through text and I think it’s cute. - 10:39 am

[Jackson] : Oh my god, you think I’m cute, you know what I deem you my soulmate, I’ll pick you up at 2:30 : ) - 10:40 am

[Jackson] : Wait I didn’t come on too strong, did I? - 10:40 am

[Name] : No, no you didn’t don’t worry, I’ll see you at 2:30 - 10:41 am

[Jackson] : See you. - 10:42 am

You were about to put down your phone but stopped, Jungkook’s words coming into your mind. [Name], you should talk to Taehyung he’s been really down because you haven’t been talking to him. Your finger hovered over Tae’s contact.

You sighed before putting your phone, “[Name]?” You picked up your phone again to see that you’re now on a call with Taehyung, you mentally scolded yourself for being so careless.

“Hey Tae,” you know he can hear the nervousness in your voice. “God, [Name] you have no idea how much I missed you.” You felt really horrid hearing the sadness in Taehyung’s voice, he’s been such a good friend while you’re sleeping with his husband.

“I-I’ve missed you too.” Taehyung lit up at you saying you missed him too, he’s felt so lonely without you. “[Name], is there anything new with you.” You shook your head while smiling, he’s back to regular Taehyung always wanting to gossip.

“Uh...yeah, I’m actually going on a date today.” Taehyung practically screeched on his side of the phone. “Holy fuck, your first date, who is he, do I know him.” You truly did miss Tae and his noisy self.

“No, actually I’ve never seen him before.” Taehyung paused for a second, “Are you trying to get kidnapped.” 

“No-,” Taehyung cut you off, “What if he’s a serial killer, that’s it double date, Jungkook and I will take care of you, if he doesn’t agree then that’s a red flag and you need to drop him.”

You thought about it for a bit, all the times you’ve had to be a third wheel on their dates, watch them kiss and act all lovey dovey, now it’s your turn. “Okay, I’ll ask him right now.” 

“Good Jungkook and I are in need of a date anyway and hopefully he’ll behave and be nice to me if we’re with other people.” You gulped, “H-he hasn’t been nice to you?” 

You put Taehyung on speakerphone to text Jackson, “No, he’s been really distant, sometimes I wake up in the early morning and he’s not in the house.” Yeah, that’s cause he’s in mine. 

“I’m sure it’s just stress Taehyung, he’ll come around.” 

[Name] : Hey Jackson, I was wondering if we could have a double date, I told my friend about you and he said we should have a double date so you don’t kidnap me. 😅 - 11:00 am

[Jackson] : Oh, yeah a double date is fine and I won’t kidnap you unless you want me to. 🥴 - 11:01 am 

[Jackson] : Oh god, that sounded creepy, I’m sorry just disregard that, a double date is fine with me. - 11:01 am

You chuckled a small smile on your face, “What, what’d he say?” Taehyung’s voice made you stop staring at Jackson’s texts. “He said a double date is okay, be ready by 2:00 pm.”

Taehyung gasped, “Oh fuck, you and I better start getting ready. I don’t even know if 3 hours is enough time.” Taehyung always took forever to get ready, “I’m not like you Taehyung, I don’t need 3 hours to get ready and neither do you, you look amazing in anything.”

Taehyung just let out a tired sigh, “I don’t think you get that you have to keep the magic alive in a marriage and that you have to look your best for every date. You really need to step up for your first date too, look I’ll hurry and get dressed then I’ll help you get ready. Just take a shower and be ready for me.”

You nodded but sighed knowing he can’t see you, “I’ll just be in robe waiting for you.” Taehyung hung up and you put your coffee and empty plate in the sink, you switched on the water to rinse your plate and cup so it’s easier to wash later.

You walked into your bathroom, Taehyung’s words came back to you. Jungkook is distant but why? You turned on the water waiting for it to get to the temperature of your preference. 

After you took off your clothes you grabbed your tooth brush and tooth paste, you stepped into the shower but during the entire duration of your shower you couldn’t help but think about why? Why was Jungkook being distant towards Taehyung, why is he distant towards you, is he cheating on Taehyung and you?

You shook your head and dried yourself off with your towel, you have no right to be jealous. You put your towel down and grabbed your robe off the hook wrapping it around yourself.

You grabbed a brush and your hair dryer, you dried your hair to the best of your ability. You heard a knock on your door and you know it’s Taehyung, you put your brush down and walked over to the door.

Taehyung engulfed you in a hug when he saw you, “Oh god, my baby it’s been so long.” You squeezed Taehyung’s bicep and hugged him back, “Tae can’t breathe.” 

“Mhm, sorry.” Taehyung let you go and smiled. “Okay your first date, so it’s just lunch?” You nodded and Taehyung walked into your room, you trailing behind him. 

You walked into your room to see Taehyung ransacking your closet, “Do you have anything not so safe, I literally see nothing sexy.” You came over to see the mess inside your closet, “I don’t usually wear sexy things Tae, I like sweaters, I barely own tee-shirts.” 

Taehyung shook his head and patted your shoulder, “You’re so lucky I brought you some clothes to try on.” Taehyung slipped off his backpack and went to your bed, he took out neatly folded clothes, “Well if you brought clothes what was the point of messing up my closet and my room?”

Taehyung looked up at you, “I wanted to see if you had anything good, you didn’t so...here we are.” Taehyung took out a light baby blue bowknot style short sleeve A-line dress, it looked short but nonetheless stunning, “I really want to emphasize your innocence, yet keep you looking sexy. Take off your robe.”

You undid the knot in your robe and slipped it off your shoulders, “Did you gain weight?” Your arms came to cover your stomach, “I haven’t had time to go to the gym.” 

Taehyung nodded and grabbed some pale blue panties with a matching bra, “Let’s hope you get some.” You gasped and looked Taehyung up and down, “Hell no, I’m not doing that on the first date.” 

Taehyung shrugged and told you to hurry and get dressed, the dress stopped at upper thigh, “Don’t you think it’s a little short Taehyung?” Taehyung looked you up and down, “But it looks so perfect on you.” Taehyung whined and pouted. 

You sighed, “I guess but I feel kind of uncomfortable in this.” Taehyung held your hips, “Baby you look amazing, don’t worry, he’ll love you.” You nodded and hugged him, “I missed you so much Tae,” Taehyung just held you. 

Taehyung made you sit down in front of your vanity, “Let’s get started with your makeup.” 

-

“Wow, I outdid myself.” Taehyung looked at you through the mirror, “You barely did anything this is my natural beauty baby.” Taehyung scowled at you, “Let me have this moment.” 

“Jungkook’s on his way, did you text - what is his name, oh Jackson.” You looked up at Taehyung, “Yeah he’s on his way too and be nice Taehyung.” Taehyung threw his hands up in surrender, “I’ll try but he’s going to be your first ever date, I can’t promise anything.” 

You heard your door bell ring and you and Taehyung nodded at each other before going to answer the door. Jungkook stood there with a wide smile, he looked at you and frown when he scanned you up and down. 

Although you took his breath away, he thought the dress was a little too short for a first date. Jungkook kept staring at you and as he did the frown on his face morphed back into a wide loving smile. 

“Jungkook,” he loves hearing his name fall from your lips, he might not tell you but it’s true. “Jungkook!” Taehyung’s deep voice echoed in Jungkook’s ears, it wasn’t the same as when your soft voice called out to him.

Jungkook rolled his eyes and turned to Taehyung, a fake smile basically stitched onto his face. He held out the red roses he had picked out on his way to your apartment to Taehyung. 

He thought of you while picking them out, how beautiful you would look while sniffing them. The thought of you scrunching your nose while smelling them had his fake smile for Taehyung turn into a real genuine smile for you.

Taehyung felt nothing but exhilaration when his husband finally smiled at him after what seemed to be forever of being ignored. This was the only reason Taehyung put up with being ignored because he could see the beautiful smile on Jungkook’s face.

Taehyung loved Jungkook’s smile, the way his eyes crinkled together as he showed off his top and bottom teeth, the way his nose was scrunched together from having such a wide smile on his face.

This was the reason Taehyung put up with hours of loneliness, it was why Taehyung didn’t care about his husband not touching him and it was the reason as to why Taehyung pretended to not see the way Jungkook looked at you. 

It was because Jungkook’s smile is only for Taehyung, right? Taehyung gladly accepted the lively red roses Jungkook held out for him, because they were for him, right? Jungkook thought of Taehyung while buying the roses, right? 

You bit your lip to fight off the jealously that was clouding your heart, you had no right to be jealous. You continued to repeat that in head as you closed your eyes and tried not to look at the couple in front of you that stared at each other with stars in their eyes.

They look at each other like that because they love each other, right? “Hi, I’m Jackson Wang.” You opened your eyes to come face to face with a man almost as tall as Jungkook. 

He had his wavy light brown hair parted to the right side, his smile was bright and small. He held beautiful black roses, you wondered how they looked so beautiful yet so dark and lifeless. 

“Uh... I didn’t know what type of flowers to get you and I didn’t want to make you mad by stereotyping and getting you pink or red roses so I ended up getting emo roses.” 

You laughed at the way he said emo roses, “No, thank you I actually really love them.” You said as you took the bunch of roses from Jackson. “I must say you’re way more beautiful than Yugyeom described, he really didn’t do you justice.” 

Jungkook tsked and kept glaring at Jackson, he watched with antipathy as you smiled sweetly at Jackson. “Thank you Jackson, I love them and-,” Jackson interrupted you. “If you’re going to ask where I got them please don’t because I don’t know.” 

“Haha, that’s cute but I should put them in water so please wait for a minute.” Jackson nodded and stepped in closer to you, Jackson could feel the one-sided tension and felt really uncomfortable.

“Hey, how about I come with.” You however were a bit oblivious to how upset Jungkook really was, your focus was solely on Jackson and due to that fact you couldn’t see how murderous Jungkook’s stare was.

“Oh no, it’s okay it’ll only take a minute.” You reassured Jackson and stepped out of your living room into the kitchen to get a flower vase and water for them. “Wait [Name] can you put mine in water too?” You nodded towards Taehyung and grabbed his flowers.

Jackson turned to the other two in the room once you left, “So I assume you’re the best friend since you’re looking at me like that.” Jackson finally met Jungkook’s stare.

Taehyung held onto Jungkook’s bicep and intercepted before Jungkook could say anything. “No, I am.” Jackson turned his attention to Taehyung and he held his hand out.

Taehyung took it and smiled, “You know you’re really handsome.” Jungkook looked at Taehyung with repulse for a quick second before switching back to a smile that was without a doubt forced.

Jackson just scratched his head while looking down, Taehyung turned to Jungkook to see him with a raised eyebrow. “Don’t worry babe, I’m only for you.” 

Jungkook just nodded and pushed his lips together, “Do you work out Jackson, you look really perfect for Y/N.” Jungkook pressed his lips together at his husband’s perception, he felt a tighten in his heart at thinking of Jackson being perfect with you.

He looked at Jackson and then himself, he noticed that Jackson’s arms were bigger than his own. He noticed that Jackson seemed more muscular than him, did you like more muscles on a man? You never said anything to him, well then again you two never really did talk about seeing other people.

You came back just as Taehyung and Jackson finished talking, “I think that’s a great idea Jackson.” Taehyung said a little louder than normal so you were able to hear and you being clueless did exactly what he wanted you to do.

“What’s a great idea?” You walked closer to the three of them and patted down your dress with a curious look on your face. Taehyung turned to you and smiled.

“Jackson said he saw a carnival on the way here and was asking me if we could do that instead.” Jackson looked at Taehyung with wide eyes because for one Jackson never said that but Taehyung was just helping him out.

“Oh, a carnival is a great idea, they’re really fun.” Taehyung hit Jackson’s chest with a cocky smile on his face as you turned away to grab your bag. Jungkook was still blanking out thinking of was to build more muscle.

“Come on Jungkook.” Once Jungkook came back he turned to Taehyung who wrapped his arms around Jungkook’s bicep while you and Jackson were already headed to towards the elevator.

Jungkook could see the two of you waiting for the elevator and Jungkook narrowed his eyes when Jackson hooked his arm around your waist and you just laughed. Why was Jackson making you laugh so much?

Taehyung looked to where he thought Jungkook was looking and he only saw a pretty flower vase with pink roses next to you and Jackson. “Come on Jungkook, don’t wanna miss the elevator.” 

Jungkook let Taehyung pull him out of your living room and into the hall, once outside Taehyung locked your door and pulled Jungkook with himself towards you and Jackson.

-

Once you finally made it to the carnival Jungkook and Jackson paid for the tickets while you and Taehyung silently waited next to your dates. Even the man who gave the tickets could feel the one-sided tension from Jungkook and tried to hurry the four of you along.

“Never again am I getting into a car with Jungkook, [Name]-ie call me an uber when we leave.” Taehyung whined into your arm and you tried to shake him off. “Yeah Jungkook what was with the horrible driving?” 

You looked up to Jungkook and he was already looking at you, he muttered something under his breath before saying, “I don’t know, it was the bumpy roads not me.” 

“Bumpy roads don’t make you swerve left and right.” Jungkook just walked towards the win-a-prize booths. Jungkook was just jealous every time Jackson touched your thigh so he swerved in the opposite direction to try and get him off of you. 

“Ah Jungkookie~ don’t be mad, I still love you.” Taehyung ran towards Jungkook and you followed with Jackson soon after. Jungkook paid the booth man and Jungkook was given three balls. 

Jungkook missed one and Jackson gave money to the man for his turn. “If I can’t get it, you definitely can’t.” Jackson just turned to the upset Jungkook. “Don’t underestimate me.” Jackson ended up making all three and ended up getting you a big stuffy teddy bear, one that was a pretty light brown.

“Big deal, I can just buy one at the store.” Taehyung just pouted and grabbed Jungkook’s bicep again. “Jungkookie why don’t we leave these two alone and let them have fun.” 

Jungkook turned to Taehyung with a sour look on his face. “No.” You and Jackson looked at each other before you silently apologized with your eyes. Taehyung was getting pissed off because Jungkook was acting so curt.

“Come with me.” Taehyung forcefully pulled away Jungkook from you, Jackson, and the whole crowd of people enjoying the carnival. Taehyung finally stopped just outside the carnival. 

“Okay cut the bullshit Jungkook, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Jungkook just looked at Taehyung apologetic, “I’m sorry I just haven’t been feeling good and I just want [Name] to be safe, I know how much you care about her.” 

Taehyung held his cheeks and gave him a kiss on the forehead, “I love you baby but we should really leave them alone and let them get to know each other better.” 

Jungkook just shook his head, “No, we should stay by them and protect her, we need to get back to them.” Jungkook tried to turn his head away from Taehyung but Taehyung turned his face back to him. “No we need to leave them alone.” 

Jungkook shook his head and looked at Taehyung, “We’ll talk after this, we don’t know what he’ll do to her.” 

“She’ll be fine, he really likes her.” 

“That’s the point!” Jungkook has never yelled at Taehyung before, not even in a fight and all it took was them fighting about you for him to crack. Taehyung shook his head. 

“You’re acting like an ass Jungkook.” Jungkook just looked down, “I am an ass.” He took off and left Taehyung at the entrance. 

-

You told Jackson to wait somewhere near the food so you could go to the bathroom quickly and come back to find him. Initially you did go near the food but didn’t find him where you left him.

After that you figured he went to look for you in the bathroom so you went back there but bumped into someone. “[Name]!” Jungkook held your arms and dragged you to a family bathroom. 

Jungkook grabbed your face and forcefully kissed you, he was surprised when you tried to throw him off of you. He finally let go of your face, “What are you doing?”

You wiped your lips, “What am I doing, no what the fuck are you doing?! You’re on a date with not only your husband but I’m on a date too.” Jungkook looked away from you and used tongue to poke his inner cheek. 

“[Name], since when has that ever stopped us?” Jungkook pulled you closer by your waist and kissed your neck. “Come on baby, I know you want this, you wanna be full of my thick dick while there are people outside.” 

Jungkook pushed you up against the wall of the bathroom, “Baby, I know you want people to hear you moan for me, you want them to catch us fucking, is that what you want?” 

Jungkook slid his hand to your thighs and dipped his hand under your dress and into your panties. “Look baby, you fucking love that, don’t you?” Two of his fingers were rubbing your pussy lips. 

He quickly shoved those fingers knuckles deep inside of you. “Please~” You mewled out as he just stayed and didn’t move. “Please what baby, what’re the magic words?” 

“Please daddy, please do something.” Jungkook was ready to cum in pants from how wet you were, how tight you felt around his fingers. “Fuck baby, I can’t.” 

Jungkook quickly took out his fingers and undid his pants, he stroked his cock and had you wrap your legs around his waist. You buried your head in his neck to muffle your moans when he entered you.

Jungkook stayed there for while getting used to how tight you felt, you wiggled your ass and that had him done. He put one of his hands on the wall while the other was gripping you waist and he started to fuck you. 

Jungkook was balls deep inside of you, his length was hitting all the places you wanted. Jungkook already knows you like the back of his hand, he knows just how to make you cum so quickly. 

“Such a fucking slut, look at you taking my cock while on a date with someone else, you wear this short dress just to tease me, didn’t you?” His hand hovered over your clit but didn’t touch you.

“Answer slut, I swear if you were to bend over with this dress on you would show everyone your sweet little cunt that’s only for me, does daddy have to teach his slut some rules?” 

You nodded trying your best to speak. “Y-yes daddy, please I’ve been bad.” Jungkook pressed his fingers into your clit and rubbed you there. There was so much of your arousal that it coated his fingers, balls, thighs, and stomach.

You let out a strangled moan as Jungkook came in you, his cum leaked out of you and had you reach your high. “Fuck you like that baby, you like my baby in you?” You nodded.

“You like being full, don’t you slut?” You nodded again and he pinched your clit, “Words slut.” You squirmed, “Yes daddy, I love it, I love being full of your baby, I want your baby.” 

You unknowingly voiced your real thoughts yet Jungkook didn’t acknowledge it. “Mhm, that’s what I wanna hear slut.” Jungkook pulled out of you and watched his cum leak out.

Jungkook let you down and you were able to stand but when you took a step forward, your legs gave in and Jungkook smiled before grabbing your arm. 

“Aw my baby can’t walk?” 

003

[nataliecarsonsuniverse]

Say You Will Remember (Part 6)

Check my master list for previous chapters :)

Summary: 2016: Spencer has just gotten married to (Y/n), the girl of his dreams. The two navigate their new life together as they work through his demanding job and a stalker that just won't leave them alone. 

2018: Wendy and Peter have been hiding out in Maine for nearly a year now from Wendy's abusive ex. The two are just starting to settle into the new lives that they hope to spend with each other.

2020: After two years of searching for his missing wife, (Y/n) and Spencer are brought back together again. However, things take a turn for the worse as Spencer realizes that she is no longer the same girl he married.

September 2017

Delaware

Her eyes were covered when she heard the door open. Shuddering in the chair that she was bound to (Y/n) cried out her body already tensing not sure what was going to come next but knowing that it was going to be bad.

“Please.” She whispered. “No more.” She felt the gloved hand come in contact with her skin wiping away the tears before he removed her mask from her eyes. She wasn’t sure exactly how long it’s been since she was taken from their home. It was hard to keep track when she was tied to a chair in the middle of a warehouse with no windows. There was no way to tell time, it could be 12 pm it could be 2 am, she has no idea. If she had to guess how long she’s been here she would say between 72 hours and 4 weeks. She really did have no idea.

(Y/n) watched as the man who was holding her captive grabbed a needle from a tray. She shook her head no but it was no use, he injected the drug into her blood. She rolled her head back in the chair giving up what little fight she had left in her. The man then wheeled over the tv plugging in his laptop.

“Why are you doing this?” She asked her voice hoarse from screaming.

The man didn’t say anything, only attaching wires to her head. She started shaking and crying harder. “He gave me to you.” The man said finally. “He’s the reason you are here, he is the reason you're suffering. He chose to save himself and give you to me.”

“But what do you want from me?” (Y/n) screamed at him causing him to slap her hard across the face.

After attaching all the wires, the man went over and played a video on his computer, she watched one of the many press briefings that Spencer has given during his time at the job. (Y/n) started shaking before the electric currents even started just seeing his face. When the electric currents started, (Y/n) closed her eyes causing the man to come over and make sure she was watching.

“He did this to you.” The man repeated. “He’s the one who is hurting you. He hurt you for so long. Don’t you remember?” (Y/n) nodded weakly. “Good girl.” He said turning down the current to be less painful. She continued to watch as Spencer spoke trying her best to ignore the pain. They went on like that for God only knows how long. Him turning up the current, forcing her to watch Spencer before turning it back down when she said that he was hurting her, that this was his fault.

Eventually, the man stopped leaning down in front of her. “You did so well today,” he said, reaching up to stroke her cheek. He slowly took all the wires off of her before leaving and coming back with food. “He’s not even looking for you.” The man said. “That’s how little he cared about you. How disposable you are.”

(Y/n) nodded once, her heart was fighting but her brain was starting to believe what this man was telling her. When she thought about Spencer she thought about the pain, the smell of this dungy warehouse, and the sound of electricity from the car battery crackling. “You know he actually told me how to hurt you the most.” The man said and (Y/n) shocked her head not wanting to believe what he was saying but also knowing that there had to be some truth to it. “Told me that you don’t even change lightbulbs at home because you are so afraid of getting shocked. He told me that the best way to hurt you would be to shock you.” (Y/n) cried, dropping her head down, the drugs were making her feel lightheaded and all she wanted to do was lay down on this dirty floor and sleep. “You can’t even shock yourself by changing a lightbulb, it's almost impossible. And I bet he explained that to you like twenty different times.”

She nodded and all of a sudden she was back at home. For a second she felt safe again but then he was storming out of the bathroom yelling at her. The bulb had died at some point and she had not bothered changing it knowing that he would be home tonight. She had been using the restroom in the dark for three days as she refused to change it.

“(Y/n)!” Spencer yelled. “Why is the bathroom light out?”

“I was too afraid to change it.” She responded.

“How many times do I have to fucking tell you that you can not shock yourself changing it?” He yelled at her storming over to where she was on the couch grabbing her arm to roughly yanking her up.

“Spencer!” She shrieked.

“Don’t Spencer me,” he responded, dragging her to the kitchen where he grabbed a new bulb, shoving it roughly into her hands. “Change it!” He ordered it when they made it to the bathroom. (Y/n) shocked her head, which only made him madder. He grabbed her hand forcing her to change it, her crying the entire time.

“I have not been gone for seven days only to come home and find a dead bathroom light bulb because my mouse of a wife can't change it.”

“I’m sorry.” (Y/n) said hearing someone call her name in the background. “I’m sorry.” She repeated over and over again tears streaming down her face.

“Come back to me (Y/n).” she heard the man say snapping her out of her memory, she was back in the warehouse and while she didn’t feel safe here by any means she was also relieved to be pulled back to reality from the horrid memory. “I think that you’ve had enough for today.” He said.

“Thank you.” She whispered the man nodded once before checking to make sure she was still tied up tightly.

“Get some rest,” he said softly and (Y/n) only nodded feeling her eyelids already starting to close. When they closed she prayed that she would make it out of this somehow, in some way that did not involve her going home to the other monster. She prayed that she would have a dreamless sleep and not be haunted by Spencer.

When she awoke again, it was to the warehouse door slamming shut. Immediately she started crying, not ready to again be subjected to the electric current. She looked over to whom she expected to be the man dressed in all black with a motorcycle helmet on but instead she was shocked when she saw Peter running to her.

“Hey” He whispered as he quickly untied the ropes that bound her. “Hey it’s okay.” As (Y/n) sobbed. Once he got her hands untied she quickly threw them around his neck looking for any kind of human contact. “You’re okay,” he said again as he untied her legs. She tried to stand up but immediately fell over, had it not been for Peter she would’ve hit the ground but he quickly scooped her up.

(Y/n) kept her hands around his neck burying her face into his chest sobbing her heart out. “Please don’t make me go back.” She said and he ran a hand through her hair whispering sweet nothings into her ear.

Outside he shielded her eyes from the sun as he gently laid her down in the backseat. She was grateful to not have to be sitting upright anymore, her hands and feet were still tingling from being bound for so long. Peter closed the door gently before going around and getting in the driver's seat. “Please.” (Y/n) whispered. “I can’t go back to him.”

“I would never take you back to him,” Peter responded.

“Where are we going to go?” she asked. “He’ll find me.” she cried staring up out the sunroof of the car. It appeared to be around 3 pm. She wondered how long she’s been gone, how long she had been stuck there.

“We’re going to go up to Maine. I have a cabin up there, off the grid, he won’t find us. I promise.” (Y/n) nodded. “But you have to change your hair and name, you can’t be (Y/n) Reid anymore. They are looking everywhere for (Y/n).” He said as he put the car in drive and drove away from the hell on Earth that (Y/n) had been living through. “Just a little outside of this place I’m going to find a gas station with the bathroom on the outside and we’re going to have to dye your black. And your new name will be Wendy Arnett. Do you think you can do all that?”

“Anything.” (Y/n) responded. “Anything to not have to go back to him.”

------

September 2017

Punta Cana, Dominican Republic

“This is kind of amazing.” (Y/n) said following Spencer in line at the buffet. “I mean this food looks so good I could die,” she said before telling the cook how she wanted her pasta bowl to be made. “They are so many options. I’m definitely going to have to come back for seconds.” (Y/n) paused to look down at what Spencer had on his plate wrinkling her nose in disgust. “I will not be having that.” She said as the two of them made their way through the maze of tables to find a table close to the edge where they could see, hear, and smell the ocean. “I mean what the fuck is that?” (Y/n) asked once they were out of earshot of any locals that she could offend.

“It's chivo guisado.”

“Stewed goat?” (Y/n) asked and Spencer looked at her questioning. “What? I know a little bit of Spanish.” Spencer quirked an eyebrow. “I might have taken 10 years of it in school, and yeah I went on the class field trip to Spain.”

“How did I not know this about you?”

“I don’t know.” (Y/n) responded. “It’s never really seemed to come up. I bet I know more of it than you do.” (Y/n) said playfully teasing him.

“Dudo mucho que lo hagas. Hablo con fluidez seis idiomas diferentes. Practicamente inventé ser bilingue” Spencer spit out a mile of minute and (Y/n) was pleased with herself as she caught every word.

“Du bist nicht der einzige, der mehrere Sprachen beherrscht, Baby.” (Y/n) responded in German, another language she had picked up in school.

“Toccare,” Spencer said.

“Italian.” (Y/n) commented. “Rossi would be very proud of you except for the fact that you are eating stewed goat.”

“I don’t know, he’s a chef. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a goat.”

“Have you ever had a goat?” she asked. “Like do you know what to expect?”

“Yeah,” Spencer responded. “I mean you can’t really get it back in D.C. but if you go to a nicer steakhouse and order lamb, it’s kind of like that.”

“I don’t know.” (Y/n) said as she took a bite of her buttered noodles very American, “the idea of eating goat just kind of grosses me out.” she watched as he took a bite and while he had just told her he had it before, she was still surprised to not see him grimace at the flavor.

“You should try it.”

“No.” (Y/n) responded as Spencer picked up a piece with his fork.

“Come on,” Spencer said, holding his fork out to her. “Most of the flavor is from the onions and the oranges, there’s a slight taste of garlic but it’s good. It’s not like deer where the meat itself tastes gamey.”

(Y/n) grimaced at him while he tried to stifle a laugh as she took the fork from him. They were not about to be one of those couples feeding each other. “I hate you,” she said as she opened her mouth taking the smallest bite possible.

“Oh come on.” Spencer said. “That’s such a small bite on the fork, you can eat it all.”

She took a deep breath before biting off everything on the fork, she watched as Spencer watched her curiously waiting for her answer. “Well,” she said slowly. “It’s not something I would order myself, but it’s not nearly as bad I was expecting either.”

“See?” Spencer asked. “You should try new things more often.” (Y/n) only shook her head both of them knowing full well that she would not be doing that. The two of them then slid into a comfortable conversation about anything and everything while they finished lunch. After finishing eating they cleaned up their table before heading back to the room to change into swimsuits and grab towels.

Back in the room, (Y/n) made a quick change in the bathroom readying herself to spend the rest of the afternoon sitting in a beach chair on the beach. When she came out of the bathroom dressed in a small white bikini she couldn't help the exhilarating feeling that came with watching Spencer’s mouth fall open.

“What do you say we hang out here just a little bit longer before going down to the beach?” Spencer asked her as he walked over towards her pulling her into him, his hands finding  their way to her waist. (Y/n) lightly slapped his chest shaking her head.

“We have all night to do that.” She said. “Plus it’s going to start raining in about two hours. Maybe during the twenty-minute rainstorm we can do that.”

“(Y/n)!” Spencer whined, pressing a kiss to her jaw and then down her neck. “How am I supposed to sit on the beach for two hours with you like this?”

“I don’t know.” She responded pulling away from his grasp grabbing her towel off the bed heading for the door. “Maybe you can just imagine all the things you want to do to me in the next three days, and then later tonight you can show me what you thought about.”

Spencer groaned sleeping on his flip flops, which he had to buy at Walmart right before they left, “remember at lunch when you said you hate me? Well, I hate you too.”

“You’ll get over,” she responded as they exited the room. He made sure the doors were locked before the two of them headed down to the beach hand in hand.

---

October 2019

Bar Harbor, Maine

Peter was two hours late, it was becoming a frequent thing to happen and it was really starting to piss Wendy off. Was it too much to ask for him to show up to dinner on time? Half the time he would stumble home drunk as a skunk and then fall asleep on the couch even though Wendy begged him to come to bed with her.

When Peter finally did come home tonight, she was surprised to find him completely sober. “How was your day?” He asked, walking into the kitchen and trying to kiss her but she pulled away. “What?”

“Why are you so late?”

“Oh my gosh,” Peter said, throwing his hands in the hair before going to the fridge to grab a beet. “This again?”

“Yes this again,” Wendy shouted at him. “You are never home anymore and I’m really lonely.”

Peter used a bottle opener to open his beer before taking a long swig. “I was meeting up with some friends.”

“Who?” Wendy questioned. “What friends?”

“It doesn't matter who Wendy. They are just friends.”

“Are you having an affair?” Wendy shouted at him, she had been wondering for a while now if there was someone else, recently he’s just become so distant with her and the affair would make sense. He used to be absolutely enamored with her but now it’s almost like she doesn't even exist.

“You’re being fucking crazy,” Peter said.

“Crazy,” Wendy said laughing bitterly. “You think I’m being crazy? You have no idea how fucking crazy I can get.” Wendy said, spitting the words out as she got up in his face.

“You better watch your tone with me,” Peter warned which only made Wendy madder.

“No,” Wendy said. “You better watch your tone with me.” She finished. “You drug me away from my life, my friends, my family, everything. I will not stand you cheating on me and throwing me away now.

“I drug you away ?” Peter questioned growing angrier and angrier. “I saved you from an abusive piece of shit.”

“I could’ve saved myself,” Wendy responded, causing Peter to raise as if to hit her before stopping himself mid-air, she flinched instantly covering her head with her hands. Peter immediately backed away with his hands raised in the air to surrender.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice so much calmer than it had been before. “I’m so sorry baby,” He said as she looked up at him with tears in her eyes. That caused him to rush over to her bringing her into his embrace and holding her tightly. “I’m not sleeping with anyone else. I swear on my life. Please don’t ever leave me, Wendy. I can’t lose you again.”

Wendy sobbed into his chest while he picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, it was late enough that she had already been wearing her pajamas. She had just been up waiting on the couch for him to come. He gently laid her down on the bed and she curled up next to him, her sobs slowly evening out.

After about thirty minutes of laying there thinking everything over, Wendy realized that she was going to have to ask him the question she had been dreading asking for a long time. But the answer was crucial as to whether or not the two of them could continue in this relationship. She needed to know that Peter was a good man.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“How did you find me at that warehouse when even the FBI couldn’t?”

“I had been watching you for a while,” Peter responded.

“Watching me,” Wendy said slowly. “Like stalking me?” She asked her heart to go to the top of her throat.

“Stalking is the wrong word,” Peter responded. “I was making sure you were safe.”

“You were the stalker?” Wendy asked, turning over to sit up in bed to face him. “You were the one sending Spencer those letters and pictures?” Peter nodded once and Wendy shocked her head. “But then what about Scott Tidwell?”

“What about him?”

“Why did he have a key to my house and why did he have pictures of me all over his drive?”

“He had a key because I gave him a key, the pictures were the pictures that I uploaded.”

“Why?” Wendy asked, her voice shaking.

“They took you that safe house because they thought that I was the monster. He took you to the safe house where I couldn’t find you. I knew I had to make him feel that he was safe, like that the one person who knew that he was hurting you was dead. I mean I can only imagine what he did to you in that house when you had nowhere to go.”

“You killed an innocent man.” (Y/n) said scooting off the bed trying to put some distance between her and Peter.

“I didn’t pull the trigger,” Peter responded. “I believe the brunette did.”

“How could you?” (Y/n) asked the illusion that the two of them had been living in rapidly fading from her mind.

“I needed to know that you were safe, don’t you get that? I needed to save you.”

“But the warehouse.” (Y/n) whispered. “I knew Scott wasn’t the stalker because it was the stalker who held me in the warehouse,” she said faintly her heart beating a thousand miles an hour. “But you’re telling me now that you were the stalker. Was it you in a warehouse Peter? Is that how you found me? It had been you all along?”

“What?” Peter asked with shock in his eyes that she could even think that. “I would never hurt you like that. I could never ever hurt you.”

“Then who did Peter?” (Y/n) yelled at him. “Someone did!”

“Baby,” Peter whispered moving over to her, she wanted to back away from him but something in her brain told her not to. She let him pull her into a tight hug. “Spencer did,” he said softly and (Y/n) shocked her head no before he continued. “You know that he did. I knew where you were because I was watching you. I had to wait though until I knew that I would have enough time. Knowing you were in pain and I couldn’t do anything was the worst feeling in the world.”

“But he did this to you, Wendy. Think about it. How could I find you and not the FBI? He was leading them off in the wrong direction and has been doing that the whole time. He knows now if you come home that you’ll expose him. He can’t have that. If you go home he’ll kill you. I have no doubt in my mind that he’ll kill you if he ever finds you. Even the way that he hurt you, he knew how to hurt you the most, he wanted to inflict the most amount of pain.”

“I hate him,” Wendy whispered to Peter.

“I know.” He whispered. “I am so sorry that I couldn’t save you sooner. I never thought that he would escalate to the level of violence that he did, but I should’ve known and I will beat myself up for that every day until I die.”

“And I am sorry that Scott had to die, he didn’t deserve that.” Wendy nodded. “But that wouldn’t have happened if Spencer hadn’t moved you away from me.”

“It’s his fault Peter,” Wendy whispered.

“Thank you for saying that,” Peter whispered back

“Can you promise me things can go back to the way they were before you started staying out so late and coming home drunk?.”

“Yes,” Peter responded with no hesitation. “Anything to not lose you.”

----

September 2019

Washington D.C.

It was 11 pm before the jet finally landed back in D.C. The team shuffled off the small aircraft to head inside to grab their things. Hotch had told them that they could worry about paperwork in the morning, that they all deserved to be able to go home and sleep this case off.

Spencer followed everyone inside and watched as they grabbed their things before saying goodbye and heading home. He didn’t want to go home. Two years have passed since he lost her and the apartment still doesn't feel like home without her.

Heading up the stairs to Hotch’s office, Spencer felt so many emotions run through him, guilt for leaving his family, relief for not having to be in the field anymore to name a few. He was positive this was the right decision for him. It was kind of funny to him that this is what gets him to leave. After all the shit he’s been put through because of this job, it’s the missing wife that causes him to quit. Losing her has by far been the hardest thing he’s ever dealt with.

“You have a second?” Spencer asked, knocking on Hotch’s door. He was packing up for the night so that he could get home to Jack. Aaron nodded as Spencer came into the office. “I’ve already let the brass know, so please don’t try to change my mind.” he started taking a deep breath. “But this was my last case with the BAU.”

Hotch stopped what he was doing to look up at Spencer trying to gauge if he was serious or if this was some kind of a practical joke but seeing the look in his eyes Aaron knew that he was dead serious. “I understand.”

“You do?” Spencer asked.

Hotch nodded once. “When I lost Hailey I thought about quitting too. How did I not know that Foyett would do that? I blamed myself if I had been quicker on my feet if I had thought about this angle if I had done this if I had done that. It was exhausting.”

Spencer nodded knowing the feeling all too well. “What made you decide to stay?”

“Knowing that I could save someone else’s Hailey.”

“I’m not strong enough for that,” Spencer said weakly, his voice catching in his throat.

“You don’t have to be,” Hotch responded. “You’ve been strong for so long Spencer that you deserve to be weak for once.” Spencer looked down at his shoes as tears silently fell down his cheeks. “I got closure with Hailey. Not the kind I wanted but closure nonetheless. I know exactly where she is. She’s not coming back. I learned to deal with that. You don’t know where (Y/n) is. There is still a chance that she could come back to you which makes it impossible to let go.”

“I don’t know which is worse,” Spencer said with a bitter laugh.

“I don’t think anyone does.”

“Thank you for understanding,” Spencer said looking back up at the man in front of him. “It means a lot to me. I'll be in on Monday to get my things and let everyone know.”

“Okay,” Aaron responded. “We’re going to miss you.” He said and Spencer nodded. “And you’re more than welcome to come back at any time.”

“Thank you,” Spencer said even though they both knew that he would not be back. Even if (Y/n) were to come home, he couldn't see himself coming back not after everything that’s happened.

“Will you be teaching full time?”

“Yeah,” Spencer said. “They actually offered me a spot at the FBI academy to teach profiling.”

“They’re lucky to have you.”

“Thanks.” Spencer said “I’ll let you get home to Jack.” he said realizing how late it was getting. Aaron nodded watching the boy walk out of his office, his shoulder slumped in defeat. It wasn’t fair how hard life had been to that kid he thought to himself.

----

September 2017

Punta Cana, Dominican Republic

“You are such a lightweight,” Spencer said pushing (Y/n) up against the room door the second it closes behind the two. She giggles as his hands slip under her shirt to stop at the edge of her bra. “I didn’t even think it was possible to get drunk on Strawberry daiquiris.” he murmured before leaning down and kissing his way down her jaw to her neck.

“I’m not drunk.” She replied back between moans as she started unbuttoning his shirt before he shrugged it off.

“Are you sure about that?” He asked. “Your hand creeping it’s way up my thigh at dinner said otherwise.”

“I don’t see how that’s relevant” (Y/n) responded as he picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist.

“Because the drunker you get the more touchy-feely you get.”

“Not true.” (Y/n) responded by shoving her hands into her hair while he pulled away just enough to pull her shirt over her head and slip her bra off. “I always want to touch you even when I’m sober.”

“Sure” he countered. “But you never inch your hand so high up my thigh that I have to grab your wrist to make you stop in public.”

“No one would have cared.” (Y/n) responded. “It’s an adults-only resort, I’m sure they’ve seen way worse.”

“Possibly,” Spencer said adjusting the way that he was holding her so that he could move her over to the bed, he gently laid her down before resuming kissing her. “I love you so much,” he whispered into her skin.

“Then stop teasing please.” She said back wanting more than he was currently giving her.

“Only because you asked so nicely.” He replied, smirking before leaning down to put his mouth right. She desperately wanted him. It didn’t take long for her to fall apart, her hands tightly gripping his hair to keep him where she wanted him.

“God I love you.” She responded as he came back up to her and kissed her passionately. He separated only for a moment reaching over and grabbing something off the dresser. When she realized what was in his hand, she reached over putting herbs on top of his. “What happened to see what happened?” She asked and he looked at her judging how serious she was before throwing the unused condom into the trash can.

(Y/n) sighed in relief as he came back to her, locking eyes with her before leaning down to kiss her. “You’re my everything.” He whispered to her and she sighed at the feeling she had been waiting on for what felt like forever.

“Funny because I was going to say the same thing.”

----

February 2020

Washington D.C.

(Y/n) made sure the leash was tightened around Cherry as she approached the park that she had agreed to meet Spencer at. It was an unusually warm day in D.C. which is why she had mentioned it to him when they had talked on the phone last night. She wasn’t ready to go sit down with him at a restaurant. She wanted to be in an open space, where it was easy to getaway. A crowded space, where people would hear her scream. And she wanted to bring Cherry for the extra protection. Cherry being a labradoodle, and a pretty large one at that looked way more threatening than she really was.

She hadn’t told Louise that she was doing this because she didn't want to deal with the fall out in case things went south, in case she panicked and stood him up again. She also wasn’t ready to explain to Louise that no, she was not ready to move back in with her husband, and no this does not mean that things are going to be completely okay between them.

As expected, the park was crowded when she showed up ten minutes late. It was sixty degrees outside and there were tons of kids on the playground, adults running, moms walking with strollers. As (Y/n) made her way through the park, she headed to where the chess boards were set up. She knew that’s where Spencer would be.

Sure enough, she saw him sitting at a board playing with an eight-year boy. He looked so happy, his face was lit up and he just radiated joy. Something that she knew would disappear as soon as he saw her. (Y/n) watched from afar until Cherry decided to start barking at a squirrel that was running up a tree. The barking distracted Spencer enough to look up from the game and when their eyes met she realized that was wrong. He looked even happier to see her.

Spencer started to get up, much to the boy’s dismay, before (Y/n) walked over and stopped him. “You should finish,” she said and Spencer looked at her as if trying to figure out if she was serious when she nodded he resumed the game.

Five minutes later and he was telling the kid good game before standing up to join her. Cherry sniffed him curiously and when he held out his hands to pet her she decided that he wasn’t so bad. “Why did you let him win?” (Y/n) asked as they started walking on the paved trail.

“I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.” (Y/n) responded. “You never lose, I’m not buying that you lost to an eight-year-old.”

“He’s a good player and I got distracted at the end.”

“You know him?”

“His name is Charles,” Spencer said. “He’s here a lot.”

“I see.” (Y/n) responded before the two fell into silence.

“Thank you for suggesting that we do this.” Spencer said, “It’s a really nice day out.”

“It is.” (Y/n) responded. “I don’t know, I just thought that it would be easier for me to be with you face to face in a park than in a restaurant.”

“Of course.” He responded. “I’ll do whatever makes you the most comfortable.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For not rushing me or making me feel pressured.” She said. At night when she was running through all the reasons that she knew Peter had lied to her, that was number one. “This is Cherry by the way.” (Y/n) said motioning towards the light-colored doodle that was sniffing anything and everyone. “Um, Peter got her for me. As well as the Fiat.”

“I was wondering about that,” Spencer responded. “She seems like a great dog.”

“She is.” (Y/n) responded. “How are your classes going?” (Y/n) asked, needing anything to fill the empty silence.

“Really well,” Spencer responded. “I mean some kids pick it up better than others but for the most part those who are actually interested in the class do really well. The girls that audit are kind of annoying though.”

“Why does that not surprise me?” (Y/n) asked and they both shared a laugh. It was so nice to be able to hear his laugh and for it not sound bitter or painful. He sounded like he was happy again and despite the fear, in her chest, it made her heart happy. “So what are your hours like now?”

“Usually I’m gone 9-5 but I use the extra time at the university in my office grading papers so I don’t have to bring it home.” (Y/n) smiled at the idea of him not traveling anymore. What a relief it would’ve been back before Peter had he done this. The idea of her husband having a 9-5 job would’ve made the old (Y/n) absolutely ecstatic.

“That’s great.” (Y/n) said, “I’m really happy for you.”

After walking another lap around the path, it was clear that Cherry was not going to make it for a third. “Do you care if we just sit down?” (Y/n) asked pointing to a picnic table and Spencer shook his head no as they made their way over there.

When they both sat down, Cherry made her way over to Spencer setting her head in his lap while he scratched her ears. “She likes you.” (Y/n) commented. “That’s high praise from her.”

“Really?” Spencer asked.

“Yeah.” she said. “She did not like the move down here at all. She was acting out all the time, when I would leave without her she would literally tear apart my brother’s house. When I took her to the vet the vet said that she was probably experiencing abandonment issues.”

“From losing Peter?” Spencer asked and (Y/n) nodded once.

“She did not like Derek at all.” (Y/n) said. “I mean the way she growled at him kind of scared me. She’s getting used to being here though, she’s much calmer.”

“That’s good,” Spencer said as the dog laid down in the grass, her head now resting on Spencer’s shoe.

“Can we have a hard conversation?” (Y/n) asked after a minute and watching the way Spencer tensed made her heartache. He nodded before she continued. “Did you ever um have anyone else during the two years I was gone?”

She watched Spencer furrow his eyebrow in confusion before he realized what she was asking him. “No,” he said. “Never.”

“Why?”

“I never thought that I would get married, (Y/n). Not that I didn’t want to, I just spent so long alone I kind of got used to it. So when you came along and agreed to marry me I knew you were the only one. I never gave up hope that you would come back.”

“Does it upset you that I loved him?” She asked her voice cracking slightly and she noted the way he looked away for a brief moment to composite his thoughts.

“Yes,” Spencer responded honestly. “I’m not going to lie and say it doesn't. But not because I’m mad that you ‘cheated’ or something” he said putting cheating in air quotes to make it clear he in no way thought that she cheated on him. “It makes me upset that he manipulated you into believing I was the bad guy and he was the good guy. It makes me really upset to think about you during those two years thinking that I was hurting you. That still keeps me up at night.”

“That makes me upset too.” (Y/n) responded. “I’ve come to terms with him being the bad guy in this story, his cover was starting to fade by the end anyways. And while I’ve come to see that there is no way that you could hurt me, there is still just this instinctive feeling in my chest that I should be afraid of you.” Spencer nodded. “That’s because of the extreme torture he subjected you too.”

(Y/n) was silent for a moment, reliving the horror that she endured. But then a thought crossed her mind and before she could stop herself she blurted out “Did they tell you what he did?”

Spencer shook his head no. “It was in the files, but I refused to read them.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t want to know,” he responded simply.

“I need you to.” (Y/n) said tears springing to her eyes. “I need you to know exactly what he did to me before we go any farther with whatever this is.”

“(Y/n),” Spencer said swallowing thickly. “I don’t want to imagine you in pain, I don’t want that image seared into my brain.”

“I don’t care.” (Y/n) said firmly. “I can’t live with this pain all alone Spencer. And if you want to be in my life again I need you to know. I need you to know how awful the night terrors are, waking up convinced I’m back in that warehouse. Or how the crackle of electricity makes my blood go cold. At the hospital when they tried to attach the wires to me to monitor her heart rate I became so freaked out that they had to sedate me. I need you to know just how broken I am Spencer or else this isn’t going to work.”

Spencer was quiet for a minute as he wiped tears away from his eyes. “Okay,” he whispered.

“Okay,” she repeated taking a deep breath wiping away a few of her own tears. “This is what happened.”

[haectemporasunt]

26, 32, 33, 39, 43, 44, 50, 10??, 4, 35

26. Favoritepsychological Horror Movie

Ah geeze already a tough one right off the bat.  Um uh I’ll just choose one:

The Babadook! I thought it did a great job of showing the stress the mom was under, and I think (though some people disagree) that it kept the kid from being frustratingly annoying. The picture book was very well done, and scary, and I wish there had been more sequences involving it sharing creepy stories.

32. FavoriteAnimated Horror film

I’m blanking on any animated horror films i’ve seen, sorry! I’ll just post this, which did make me jump, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHpuAAnHdEc, but alas i ve failed you :(

33. Scariestnon-horror movie

 Friday the 13th:  slashers aren’t really horror, fite me B)

Snark aside, there s plenty of movies that had scary bits in them that tore me up as a child. how about I put … the pressure chamber scene in License to Kill. The Bond villain knows one of his men isnt loyal so shoves the guy in a pressure chamber meant to get divers acclimated, you know. And the guy is begging and pleading and screaming in agony as the pressure increases. And he knows what’s going to happen, and I as a kid knew something unspeakable was about to happen, and then the Bond villain cuts a tube leading to the pressure chamber, and we have enough time to watch the doomed man inside gaze out as his head swells to monstrous proportions… and then SPLAT, the viewport is smeared red. The man burst.

It’s that the guy had time to know what was happening to him, and the way his head got so big. (shudder)

39. SomethingI used to be scared of that I now love

i hope you’re not trying to get me to admit that, although when i was little i was scared of it, nowadays i think the xenomorph is kinda hot!! because you’re wrong!!!!!

I do like Phantasm a lot more now than I did as a kid. When I was a kid the silver balls killed so brutally and so suddenly, they were horrible. But now that I’m older I guess I’m more used to sudden death happening in movies? I dunno.

 43. FavoriteHorror novel

I ve searched for years for good horror novels, and if anyone has suggestions i m more than happy to hear em! But one of my favorites is still Shirley Jackson’s Haunting of Hill House. Very well written, you get into the mindset of the protagonist, and it’s not very comfortable in there… I also identify a lot with how the protag identifies so strongly with a place and feels increasingly isolated from the others.

44. ScariestDocumentary

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-SL4ejpP94&list=PLu3Kxnrkh94_qbd5XYXdzze2AYMh8Gd-_&index=4

i’ve wracked my brain but this is the closest thing I can think of. Real documentaries are scary in the numb real life sort of way where you realize that things are getting worse

not really ‘scary’

but anyway, this vid definitely gave me the creeps!

50.  Scariest movie ever

This is a cop out answer because I don’t know the name of the movie, but it scared the heck out of me. It was a haunted house flick, and a bunch of teens investigating it, and i was sitting their gripping my knees at eleven pm watching them get killed by supernatural phenomena. The glass in the windows wouldnt break so they couldnt escape, and I especially remember one scene where there was the stairwell up to the second floor, and the steps just led up into darkness, pure blackness. And at one point the camera just focuses on it, and we enjoy the tingling terror of waiting–something’s gonna happen, any second now, we’ll finally see the spirits haunting the house– and silence.

and then as the teens, unnerved, turn to walk away further down the corridor, it seems like it was a fakeout. Or, since it was an older cheaper movie, maybe just a straight up error.  And then! One of the teens screams like an animal as she falls to the ground and starts getting dragged up the stairs by something invisible. The other teens yelling and crying as they try to hold on to her– and then, in my memory, it’s fuzzy. On the one hand it seems most likely that they pulled her back, and comforted her, and then tried to escape out the garage or something.

but /i / remember her slipping out of her friends’ grasp and choking as she disappears into the darkness. And she’s never seen again.

and that was the scariest thing i ever saw in a proper published horror movie.

10. ScariestWitch [??]

hmm!!!!

it’s me. i am :3

Eh, well, there’s a witch from a children’s story I heard on the radio nearly twenty years ago, a witch who would turn her victims, animal and human alike, into stone, and arrange them in a stone circle up in the mountains. It was terrifying, hearing her horrid laugh echoing over the howling wind … I still think about her a lot. Even at the end of the story, when she’s turned into stone herself, it’s said her last shrieks still echoed around and around inside the stone circle …

4.    Favorite Scary Short Story

I have a more typical answer, and a better but technically incorrect answer because I never managed to find the rest of the pages of the ripped-up book.

The typical answer is: Room 1408, by Stephen King, because it’s the only short story that’s ever legitimately frightened me. How the room shifts subtly, and then not so subtly, and the goofy-when-you-try-to-describe-it-but-scary-when-I-read-it telephone voice blaring out scary nonsense.

The other answer is:

some years ago I was in my uncle’s home, looking through his books. He and I have a similar taste in literature so pretty much everything was a gem. Uncle did sometimes kinda cram his books into the shelves, though, so some got bent or bricked up by other books–which is annoying if you’re trying to survey all your options. So I was yanking out a couple books, when five or six yellowed pages fluttered out from behind some old tome and fluttered to the ground.

I pick them up, worried I’ve damaged a book. But no: these were free floating, they were the wrong size for all the other books on the shelf. And I read them. And they were a story about a man who was a caretaker for an old house. He was also exploring and investigating it on the side, because–the townsfolk claimed–the place was haunted. He walked the grounds, he found cold spots. Things moved when he wasn’t looking. There were secret passages leading to strange rooms. A weird house, to be sure. But haunted? The man scoffed.

And then, in the second week of his stay, he found he could no longer leave the house. The gate wouldnt budge. He would have to find a different way out, or hope that the woman who brought him food would show up a day or two early. I’m not describing this very well but I assure you the atmosphere was dense–I could feel the stress and isolation of this poor man who was rapidly running out of food, and the growing fear that there was indeed something stalking him through the rooms. He couldnt sleep without a light, but it had to be small so that there’d be little fear of it falling over and starting a fire, and even then he would wake up several times in the night to the sound of creaking floors a room or two over.

I was rapt. This is the sort of thing that happens in a gothic story, a guy stumbling across a scary story in a crumbling library. I remember the man was trying to use one of the secret passages  he’d discovered, hoping it would lead off the grounds to freedom. His light flickers, and there’s something in the tangled ivy coating the dank walls …

And that’s where the last scrap of paper ended.

Boy howdy i’ve searched a long time for the rest of that story!

35. Scariestgaming experience

We werent a gaming family, my brother and i, until highschool nearly. The first game that scared me was JumpStart Adventures 4th grade: Haunted Island. it is an edutainment game. Yes, i am rightfully ashamed of my fear.

The island in which the game is set has multiple pathways between the minigames, all dark paths in groaning woods, your feet clattering over crumbling bridges, ghosts whirring past, howling and heavy breaths coming nearer… luckily for me, because i got easily lost both in real life and in game spaces, the game would auto-move you if you clicked on a map the minigame you wished to get to. So you click, your character clipclops along, takes a left, a right, etc, Boom youre there.

but one day, I x’ed out of the map and couldnt figure out how to get it back. this was halfway through a ‘move’ and in trying to get it back i stopped my character mid-travel. So. for the first time in the game i was really deep in the woods with no idea how to get anywhere. i was trembling, i had to keep going, but in what direction?

i kept moving, and i would jump every time a ghost popped up, and (do remember this was a time pre-gamefaqs) i was in deadly fear that something was following me. as far as i knew the game could actually do that.

my parents gave up on me playing the game because the Big Bad of the game, a witch (scary, but not the scariest), flew into the clearing i was in in order to give me a quick minigame, and when she burst into view i screamed out loud at three oclock in the afternoon.

i did not have a good first impression of fourth grade.

and the worst thing to me was not just my cowardice at giving up but, the goal of the game is to save your classmates, theyve all been transformed into monsters. so when i stopped playing i had in essence abandoned them on that haunted island.

i preferred the ClueFinders games anyway, haha

[dolphinsdancer]

Maybe you’ll be nicer..next time..

Or maybe there won’t be one.

..if there EVER is a next time. IF I give you another chance..

..IF you deserve one.

The thing is..I know I do. I get ALL the chances.

Because I’m STILL here, because of me..not you.

If it was because of you, I’d be gone..the horrible things you’ve said and done, or just simply not done..at all..have rattled through my brain on those dreadful weak moments..of struggle and pain. I’m still here. Because of me.

Not you.

Because I fought for myself, when no one else cared.

(NOTE:  Before I dive into this..jungle.. I started to write this ~a week++ ago, before this past week of the tragic deaths of Kate Spade & Anthony Bourdain. I’m still sharing it, because I wrote it for the PMDD peeps out there..that sometimes face this struggle with their “demons” monthly, or sometimes daily, or sometimes randomly, because it’s like that..vague and individual, and not consistent..even month-to-month. I’ve had stretches of feeling just amazing, just fine.

And..I’ve had a couple bad “episodes”.

Last month (April/May) was horrible. 

Physical pain was back.

Extreme.

Worse I’d had in ~3+yrs, since before my surgery.

Which is discouraging.

Pain like that.

Makes you want to just give up. 

Because you don’t want to live with it.

Again.

In any way, shape, or form. Outside stress makes PMDD..(and PMS..and endometriosis) worse.

This past month has been a bit “lighter”, but still challenging. The toughest moments in the past ~2 months were when I have had to take HEAVY pain meds..

I could take just one, to deal with the moment, and breathe through it, or I could take them ALL, and then maybe the pain, the physical at least..which is real..and mental, which is not (I’ll explain this..below) would just be gone.

Forever. But..I’m still here. Because I fight for me. 

When no one else does. And I share this for those that have felt that pain, on any level, wondered those thoughts, even for a minute..and need a moment, to have someone tell them, to let them know they are not alone.. And I share it, even though it may not be perfect, and may not be finished, because it is too important to wait another moment..to help someone, if you can

..if I can.. I will. I can and will fight for others struggling. Like only one person (my sister from another Mama) has fought for me.. I will fight for me. I will fight for you).

So here goes. How do you explain something that most people don’t STILL believe even exists? How do you explain something that has judgements so deeply rooted in horrible misogyny & people, both men & women (but I’ve seen & heard it more from men)..make nasty comments..like “she’s ‘PMS’ing’, or “she’s being a bitch, it must be that ‘time of the month’..”, or the other endless statements..  The funny thing is..I more often than not, am totally biting my tongue, simply because I don't want to be called "angry" or "bitchy", or "that angry uncontrollable bitch, etc.." by that person who doesn't understand 

(and makes no effort to do so..), because then it only proves their point/opinion about me..(even though in truth they quite frequently deserve to be verbally eviscerated..)

YET..I restrain. Even though their point/opinion about me is also totally wrong.

Because they’ve never bothered to find out anything about me.

So..I bite my tongue.

Why..

Because.. People don’t know..yet..don’t understand..YET. 1 in ~20 women on this planet deal with this disease (in varying degrees, from mild to extreme), and yet there are almost no treatments, and most doctors, psychologists, medical professionals, etc even deny it..still.

It can not only be a daily struggle with symptoms, mental, emotional, physical, with yourself, but also with medical professionals, and attempting to find REAL help, having people believe you, being afraid to tell anyone, a friend, a boyfriend/husband/potential lover, people at work/your boss, because of how they WILL view and treat you differently.. Like you’re a porcelain doll filled with lava that might explode all over them at any second..utterly fragile and yet volatile (beyond volatile in many eyes), and always at fault..

..and they will always be quick to BLAME the “PMDD” for everything. Whether it is not. So, you hide. That’s why most people who deal with ANY degree of mental health concerns, issues, or diseases, HIDE. Because that is all they become then. But they are not just that, they are so much more, and deserve so much more. And know you are much, much stronger. You are NOT a fragile porcelain figurine.

And..hopefully folks out..the ones that scoff, or doubt, or juggle you like that porcelain doll..all, will READ..and learn.. What PMDD is.. And even then, ask you, talk to YOU, because it truly is different for each woman, and usually different each and every month. And it takes strength beyond ANY strength they even know to function sometimes, to go to work, to be with family, to go grocery shopping, or the gym/workout, or do anything that feels “normal” at all. KNOW you are much, much stronger that PMDD, PMS, Endometriosis, or any physical or mental or emotional conditions, illness, diseases.. You are enough. So..I bite my tongue. Why.. Because.. I personally deal, and have more regularly dealt with the “physical” symptoms of it. You can also have/deal with PMS and PMDD..and more..

(..lucky me..I have both, plus endometriosis, which I’ve had 2 surgeries for..and which I still have, apparently, with a whole lotta scar tissue behind my uterus..so some of the pain might even still be from that..who knows..)

Which meant for YEARS..I didn’t even notice the PMDD, as the pain from severe bleeding, and massively painful periods over-ruled everything else.

Once I started taking a drug a few years ago now (Visanne) for the Endo (and sorta PMS), it took several years for things to “settle down”, and become clearer what symptoms were from what exactly.

I still “cycle”, but without a period, because the Visanne stopped the bleeding part..(good thing, because I was literally bleeding to death every month, bad thing..because I still cycle, but don’t really know where it is, beyond where my PMDD symptoms start and stop and fall..and I track these quite closely, so I know.. and where I know my period was from before I started the Visanne)..so I have a somewhat vague idea of what is going on for me. But stress makes it worse, and I’ve had some brutal stress in the past couple months..that has put thing into a horrendous flair of both physical pain (almost as bad as before my surgery) and mental symptoms - which have been the worst they have ever been.

Good times. As they say. So..WHY then did I decide to start to write this.. I felt it was time to speak up. To say something in support of the PMDD, & PMS & Endo women (or folks that identify as women) out there..because hardly anyone does. And because I was, I am tired of certain people’s judgements, inaccurate perceptions, without bothering to even know me, or ask me if “I’m ok”..or if I needed help, or people who have pretended to care, or give a damn about “mental health”, but really don’t. Because their actions don’t match their words. And it became even more important this week..as I had to briefly stop writing, and wasn’t sure IF I’d finish..because of the deaths in the “celebrity” realms.. And then I realized, it was more relevant than ever to “finish”..

and share. Because MOST people that face mental health issues are NOT celebrities. They are just regular everyday average people. And when they die by suicide, it’s not all over the news, it rarely even gets a mention in a local paper, yet there are 1000′s of people, not celebrities at risk everyday. And because I had someone be so utterly UNkind to me.

(..more about that below..2 examples in fact)

And I knew I had to be better than that..

So..I bite my tongue.

Why..

Because.. Because..as the saying goes.. “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

Or some variation, or order of that. It doesn’t matter. Just be kind. So..yet. I demonstrate unimaginable restraint.

Most the time. I speak my mind, I speak my truth, always with kindness And IF I’m really a bitch, I know it. I own it. And I apologize. Every time. And they are UNkind.

The other..funny..but not in a “hahaha” kinda way..thing is..

I can remember the times that people have been...UNkind.

In those moments of my own struggles. MUCH more vividly than I can recall any moments of kindness.. So it matters. Being UNkind is like handing someone a razor, that they will play over and over again in their mind, shredding and finding the holes in the logic to live..in a place that is already shredded and feeling tattered beyond repair. So be kind. (Or just stay away. Being UNkind is worse). So it matters. Every. Single. Time.

It REALLY matters when people make an effort.

Also..I have to sadly speak to this.. As there are people out there who *CLAIM* to be “mental health advocates”, but are actually the worst..but when someone reaches out, they are rude, dismissive, or simply don’t respond.

At all.

So they are liars..they do the “mental health” thing, posting about it on their social media for show..for RT’s, to feed ego, or whatever other reasons..than the real ones. I had an horrid experience with a woman named Stephanie..last year.

IF you read her twitter feed..

OY..This is one disillusioned, dishonest person..

She claims to be a Ph.D..but of course, the Uni she went to suddenly has no record of it..and other stuff..SMH. I might have believed her, if not for the way she acted in private, and how she clearly and blatantly manipulates people to attempt to get them to feel sorry for her.

She claims to be a part of the “#SickNOTweak” team, but a few CRITICAL times last year, when I reached out to her, she blew me off, was beyond incredibly rude in her responses on Facebook (we had been “friends”), and then she randomly flipped out on me and blocked me. Probably because I started to see through her lies, the inconsistencies, and I started to ask some questions, and call her on things.

Perhaps her own mental health issues are far worse..I attempted/still attempt to be sympathetic, but not when someone is lying.

I hope no one else gets taken in by her..but she uses “celebrity” names to prop up her stories, and name drops and tags them to garner attention and perceived support.

I mention her/that situation only because when I was REALLY struggling last year, she was beyond decimating to me.

There is nothing quite as awful as reaching out to someone who claims to be a mental health supporter, advocate and “understanding”, and have them use that information against you, gaslight you, and in that time-frame, it was quite a shock. I actually came really close at that time to taking my own life, to be struggling, ask for help, and have someone be so dismissive. I know now, who she is, how fake it all is, and it doesn’t impact me. Not any more. And it is interesting to find out your/MY own strength, in moments like that.

I got through those moments, because of me. And I only mention here, because is it hard enough to reach out, it is hard enough to know who to trust with a deeply scary part of yourself, a part of your psyche, to hand yourself over so vulnerable to someone, and have them be so awful, and dismissive, and actually down-right cruel. And because others have told me of times they have reached out, to different people, and have had similar, dismissive, or judgemental experiences. The saddest thing, is people REALLY struggle to reach out.

And usually don’t at all. I want to make sure they do it with the right people, someone who will reach back..(so I can and will share in private who this person is, if you feel you have been taken in and manipulated by her, as I don’t want anyone else to be hurt by her lies..) I will post a list of professional contacts at the end, as I recommend that more that anything else now.

The other person..

..hard to say. I’ve essentially given up hope that they’ll be decent. They have been deeply, hurtful, impactful when I’ve struggled though.. As I can hear their words, sometimes, mean, sometimes mocking, sometimes cruel, sometimes just disconnected, uncaring and vague.

Someone who claims to be a “friend”, but has never acted like a friend.

Who has been awful, and dismissive.

That person that ALWAYS thinks the worst of me, or any message I send.

Reactionary, and angry..and always blaming me, and turning it around on me, instead of taking any ownership of their actions.

Instead of believing that I always speaking from a place of kindness, and curiosity, and genuineness.

But I guess if someone pretends to be genuine, & they are lacking in it, in some way..

When faced with someone who is..genuine, they’d be threatened, as they know I see through the BULLSHIT and masks.

That person that claims to “not judge”, but is the most judgemental person I’ve ever encountered..

or maybe they just treat only me that shitty..

..it seems so.

That person that called me a “categorical liar”, when I simply asked an honest question.

And many other things I’m not at liberty to share. (..or who this is unfortunately..I can confirm/deny if directly guessed, that is it). So..WHY do I share this then..? What I do know..despite my own experiences of encountering some distrustful, hurtful people out there, is TRUST YOURSELF. Even if you struggle with any kind of mental health diseases, illness, issues, or concerns, there is always a part of you that CAN find a way through to light. Even if it’s what I had to do, which was just not die, only because doing so would stick it in the eye of those that abandoned me and didn’t help, when my requests for help were out there and real. And I can say, in truth, that I am here to help, or to at least point you in the direction of help, if what you face is beyond my scope. Sometimes ALL it takes is someone listening, someone who responded to you when you struggled, someone making just a tiny effort that makes the difference in someone’s life.

As to the person I addressed at the start..

From what I’ve seen..and my eyes are even more open now..everyday, I don’t believe you do care. Despite what you say. Your actions will have to speak louder than your lack of words. And there are neither, so..

IF it ever happens, it comes from you. For me to believe again.

But I am here.

Because I fought for me. Because you never did. I will fight for me. I will fight for anyone that needs that reminder to stay alive.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.” ― Mark Twain

RESOURCES AND CONTACT LINES: Canadian Suicide Prevention Line: 1-833-456-4566 Website: suicideprevention.ca (VERY oddly, this site was “offline” when I visited it to confirm the link, hopefully it’s fixed by the time anyone - not like 3am isn’t a critical time for it to be online or anything - needs to access it). Direct link for local/provincial numbers: http://bit.ly/2sSBZiL (US)/National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 (US:1-800-273-TALK) UK: 116 123 Australia:  13 11 14 AND..this one gets a graphic too..as I know of so many transgender folk that have struggled with suicide just because of who they are, or gender dysphoria. Canada: 1-877-330-6366 US: 1-877-565-8860

[coffeeandthensome]

Awareness

Hi! This is not my original “blog”. I don’t religiously blog for a living, I don’t even really blog. I just post (sometimes, admittedly trying to be unique and artsy, but that is not the point fro this one). Is that the same thing? 

Anyhow, I’ve just finished a cup of strong coffee and it seems to be kicking in. I should be sleeping, though, but I could not resist this smell of it. 

My mind is so alive right now and I know when the crash kicks in, I’ll be snoozing under the sheets. Until then, here it is. 

I’ve been too stressed lately and I believe that I might also be the cause of stress for another. Here is why:

Last Sunday, just like any other working day for me, I went to work. I was all conditioned for the day, dripping wet hair, coffee in my veins, and a smile on my face. I love my job. I really do! 

I must say, after 3 years of working there, even under stress, me and my colleagues glide like water through the day. With or without a nurse manager. Now, before I tell this story, I am very much aware of the nitty-gritty of privacy and confidentiality. So I won’t mention names, nor my workplace, nor my own name. This is based mainly on the experience of an individual, regardless of any specifics, and how it’s dealt.

It’s always busy around in the morning at our department, it’s where most of the work gets done. I am not exaggerating when I say that routine morning checks make my stomach churn. That is because in the few years of working where I’m working, I’ve at least found 5 lifeless people (that’s nothing compared to the medics, or the ER nurses). Not all at the same time of course.

I am aware that it’s part of the job, but that fleeting moment where you realize that someone has already gone is always something that I will not forget. The few seconds between processing that horrid thought and deciding to compose yourself so you can do what needs to be done feels like forever. And I can really say this: my hatest thing in the world, as of this moment, is being left alone in a room with a dead person. Even if it’s just for a minute or two.

The thing with kind of job is, this is not the ER. Nobody rushes and sweeps in and out in a flash. You have time. Everything runs at a normal pace, so you have the time to see all the emotions from families and other people. 

I don’t know if it’s a good thing, but I try to tell myself that I’ve already adjust to situations like those. In all honesty, though, I think I have not yet because it’s always something new all the time. My rational self is very good at handling it, following every protocol that needs to be done, calling the right people, maintaining privacy, processing the whole situation, and getting on with my day. 

 I am not afraid of it, I know that in my profession I will encounter many things like these, even worse.  BUT. My stomach still  churns, I still dream about it. When I come home and I am not doing anything, my image of that person, who you know... who you just spoke to days ago, is gone and that you were the first one to find out, and that you have to be the bearer of bad news to the family. 

That was only an intro though, because my actual story is just about to start. 

As I’ve said, it was a typical working weekend. That’s what I thought until I enter the room of this certain person only to find that he/she’s passed away. What makes it different from all other experiences that we’ve had at work is that he/she deliberately did it. I hate to say that “s” word but that’s what it is.

Suffocation. I haven’t really heard or read of a situation where one tries to take their life with a plastic bag. It must be slow torment, but I don’t even want to get my imagination started on how the whole process went about.

Fortunately, during that day, I was kept busy. The ball just kept rolling, one emergency after another until I finally went off. I had to go straight to my part time job and I fell asleep on the way. After I had done my part time job, I went straight to a family party and came home with my husband around 10 PM. 

I took a bath and washed off all of the toxicity from that day, and went to bed. We woke up at 5 am to go to work, and life goes on. The next few days had been busy but as soon as I had my day off, the moment my mind was idle and thinking about nothing, the image of that situation had plagued my thoughts again. The image of that note we had found saying that it was his/her’s decision and no one else, the card he/she left for the family.

How could one, even at the end of their lifetime, think of doing such thing? More so, doing it with gratitude. 

Will they find peace in the afterlife? 

How? Why? Other people struggle to live by the day, or even by the minute, why would you do that? It was a very biased thing to say, though.

I’ve realized how lonely old people were and how many people would often say “I would rather not live long than live to be a hundred while feeling that  I’m losing my self”. With losing one’s self, they would mean losing their ability to see, hear, walk, talk, or think. Feeling a tremendous amount of pain constantly, or outliving their children. 

Back home, children live with their parents until the end of their journey in this world but here, in this foreign place, children leave their home at the age of 18. They thrive in the real world, making names for themselves, having their own families. When they grow old, their children live separate lives and they are left alone, with all the money they saved for old age. Most of them have more than enough to last them through their remaining days, but just spend their hours siting in their very modern, home-y suite, probably sitting by the phone waiting for their families to call and check on them. 

They call. That’s what most families do. They call at least once of twice a week to check on their parents. Some of them make it a point to spend a few hours every week to take their old folks shopping or for an appointment, but after that, it’s back to sitting on the couch for most of them. Some, though, don’t even have the time to come when the old people get sick, they;d asked to be informed if things get worse or better, and that’s about it.

You cannot blame them, because the working world is like an ocean, the waves don’t stop crashing. Work is constant. Work is necessary, whether we like it or not. 

That is why I’ve come to realize, that for these people, putting their places in retirement communities is the best thing, because they are not always at home anyway and in worse situations, nobody will be there to help out. Safety and strain on the family. That is always the main reason. Sadly, because of that, emotional and mental health is compromised. People get depressed. Very depressed. They end up making decisions to end their misery because it goes on and on and on everyday. 

Did I stray quite far? I was just trying to get a view of the bigger picture in writing. Anyway, to sum it all up, that was the first time I’ve ever encountered someone taking their life. I’ts one thing to read about it or watch it on television, and it’s another thing to actually be the one to find them. It was a first, and it’s taking a toll on me. 

I am a nurse and I know there will be worse cases,  but all of the firsts in my life make a really fine imprint and this one is something I will not forget.

I will get over it soon, but it will only be tucked at the back of my thoughts. The gravity of it will eventually lighten, but for now, I’ll just write it out to make this process of getting over it faster.