#when i said bad puns i wasn't lying

[icarusredwings]

Something The Cat Dragged In

A badly written COMEDY oneshot. (I have no clue how to write 11 or amy im sorry) No smut.

Posted: July 31st 2024.

Words: ~7,900

Ships: The Ponds, River/11/Simm

Prompt: The Doctor and River are trying to domesticate a feral Master with clicker training, and it's going about as well as you'd think.

This fic includes: Jealous 11, SFW worshiping kink, Horrible cat puns, Bondage, Amy being a freak, Pet play, Degrading, an Oblivious 11, and Mentions of Cheetah Virus changing a bored master's deoxyribonucleic structure. Consider that your trigger warning.

“Are you sure this is safe?” The ginger man asked, hesitant about the scrappy man that the raggedy doctor had brought on board the TARDIS.

“Absolutely!” He chimed, the smile on his face clearly larger than how much trust he had in this situation being anywhere near ‘safe’.

He knew that smile. That was the ‘I'm lying because I don't want to tell the truth’ smile. The one you had to watch out for. So nervous that fibber was..

“Oh, Amy's going to kill you…”

“I'm sure she will! As for now-” Rory watched as the Doctor jumped around the TARDIS a bit, hitting buttons, pulling levers, twisting dials. The usual. What wasn't so usual though was the fact a half blonde man with about half an inch of dark roots was standing there, Glaring at him. Swallowing, He stepped to the left, and then more towards the Doctor, being tracked by his eyes. Something about the way he smirked with such wide teeth made a shiver run up his spine.

Look, He's met a lot of odd aliens and crazies at the hospital but this guy looked at him as if he'd eat him whole in one bite.

“Doctor-”

“Not now Rory! Busy!” Coming around, He seemed to have this be the entire plan, getting the drop on him as he spun behind him, clamping a thick metal bracelet around his wrist, holding it as he quickly clamped the other. “Hey!”

“There we go! That's better!”

Huffing, the man began to try to take off the bracelet only to emit a small red light and a beeping noise. “Take this off of me! Right now!”

“Uhhhh…No.”

“Yes! Take it off or i'll-”

“You'll what? Hm? Still in the habit of telling me your plans are we? God you've always been like that. So clever and yet.. so dull..”

“I am NOT dull! You're stupid bowtie is dull!”

“Hey! Bowties are cool. Now then, Rory this is-... er.”

“Say it.”

“..er..”

“Go on. Say it!”

Taking a breath, The Doctor knew that no matter what he said would be bad. If he introduced him as Koschei, He'd not rest until he at least stabbed him in one of his stomachs.

“Rory, Master. Master, Rory.”

With a great sense of pride, The Master grins ear to ear, Putting his hands out and bowing as if he had just introduced someone extremely important. Perhaps an old friend that once held such great respect but now it seems both of their minds have gone a bit off their rockers. More so the other's, but they both thought this.

“... should I be worried?”

“Oh, Yes.”

“No!”

“Don't lie to them, Doctor! You and I both know what happens when I'm hungry..”

“Doctor? What's he mean by that?” Giving a look of concern, he backed away just slightly enough to trip over a loose wire. This fear seemed to please the blonde while the Doctor rolled his eyes. “Oh you are fine, I just fed you.”

“He's on a feeding schedule? Like… some kind of pet?”

“Do not speak of me like I am nothing but a pet!! I'm far beyond Your comprehensive abilities! Use your tongue to call me anything below your Master and It will surely be a mistake!”

“Yeah, About that, You're in charge of not letting me forget to feed him, okay? Jolly good, alright, Now! I do have to apologize, Your old room was destroyed but we have bunk beds! Cool right?” He rambled.

“Why do I have to make sure you remember?” Rory asks, scrunching his nose as he took another step forward.

“Do you want to find out?” The Master beamed, quite excited about teasing and gaining authority over the Doctor's fellow companions. If anything, They were pets. Not him.

“I wouldn't recommend that! Lets just say, You don't want to find out. Anywho! Back to what I was saying!” For a third time he turns to his old friend, new traveling buddy, hands clapped together politely.

“Your old room is busted. Gonzo! So you'll have to make a new one. Any requests?”

“Wait wait wait-”

“Good god, Rory what now? You're being quite rude!”

“You can't just bring someone aboard who's going to eat me and fly on by!”

“I thought we already established this. Keep up!”

“Yeah, keep up!” The Master shouted, egging the man on. “And if you can't, get off the ship! Do us all a favor and jump overboard.”

At this, he was met with a cross look and his ear being pulled. “Aye stop that! Now you're the one being rude!”

The days that followed weren't so simple. Between the Master trying to get out the front door, snapping at them, insulting everyone he met, refusing to eat certain things, and both Rory and Amy losing sleep with how much they argued, you could say that things were in fact not going well. The Doctor on the other hand said differently, claiming that it took time to get used to TARDIS living arrangements.

The thing that really got him rowdy though was his vaccines. Between scratching, cursing and kicking, it was a wonder how the Doctor was able to manage him at all, even if his methods weren't exactly filled with the most logic, some being closely related to rewards.

When the Master DID finally escape, his punishment was to wear a bell. That's it. A normal bell. Quite a large one though. Suited more for a large dog then a cat.

When he purposely shoved all the trinkets and containers off of the top of the fridge in order to sit on top of it, The Doctor made him a loft to lay on with his own window.

This seemed to have worked for a while, watching the stars as they floated by. But then when the problem arose of him not eating, The Doctor gave him a bean bag chair hoping having his own special spot would make him feel better.

But it didn't. If anything he only ripped it up, purposely destroying it. Coming back to the TARDIS to that kind of mess was enough for Amy to suggest getting rid of him or perhaps caging him up when they left but the Doctor was just in awe at how relaxed he was, snoring ever so softly while lounging on his loft as if he were purring from curing his boredom for the day.

“Aww Amy.. I couldn't. Look how happy he is.”

“He trashed the TARDIS! I thought you said you were going to take care of him?”

“I am! It's just… oh what's that word?”

“Hard?”

“Impossible?”

“Nothing is impossible.” He says, shaking his head.

“But you said that tons of times..”

“And yet none of them were true!” He says, wagging a finger. “I just have to think.”

So he thought. What else could he do? The Master was bound to rebel. That's been proven already.

“Well you better do it soon or else he's going to rip up your fez next..” this gave him an idea.. quite a large one at that.

“Oh Rory!! Wonderful Rory!” He says, grabbing his face as he holds him tight with that excited but manic glint.

“That's just what he needs!”

The two watched as the Doctor ran off to the console, trying to jump over the billions of beads only to slip, Falling for only a moment, popping back up over on the other side.

“A .. fez??”

“No!- well. Yes. But no. You'll see! Now go on. Don't you have erm-” he waved his hand at them, his brain doing that thing where his words were all jumbled up inside, making it difficult to speak. “Kissing to do? Or something? Don't worry about me I got a lot of cleaning up to do and- OH yes! Amy, are you finished playing that game with the rope? You know, the one you told me about?”

The ginger man's eyes widened greatly as he gave his wife a look of terror. The kind you only get when your head was screaming ‘WHY WOULD YOU TELL HIM THAT?!’

The woman now blushed, Crossing her arms as she returned the look to her husband, implying that she had everything under control. “You mean that one where we pretend to be Fenrir and see how long it takes to get untied?”

“Yes!” He snapped his fingers. “That one! Quite a loud game is it not? Anywho- Can I have the rope back? I'm glad you two wish to practice kidnapping safety but I'm afraid In this era people are going more with handcuffs then rope.”

Amy's eyes became brighter, the kind that scared her husband to death.

“Handcuffs you say?”

“It seems in most situations they're used more often than rope nowadays.”

“Is that so?”

“..Why are you asking like that?”

“I was just wondering…What if we practiced getting out of handcuffs instead then? It would make a lot more sense to practice with modern tools then-”

“Oh will you SHUT up!? Get a room will you?! God. It's bad enough I'm stuck here with you two. I don't want to hear that either!”

Glancing up, the Doctor grinned seeing the Master awake and his same cranky self.

“Oh, be nice! They do have a room!...Still don't know why you'd ever want me to take out the bunk beds though…” he muttered this last part, rubbing his chin.

“Soooo….Doctor? Cuffs?” Amy started, rocking back on her heels.

“Oh yes! Here you are.” Tapping a button on the console, a small drawer popped out as he tossed two sets at the red head, Tapping another as a door in the wall opened up, revealing cleaning supplies. “Now, if you excuse me. I have work to do. And you mister! You're going to help me!” He shouts, only to be given a lazy bird and a “No i'm not.”

Sighing, the Doctor made a face of disappointment but wasn't surprised.

“I suppose you're not… Got it..”

It's been about 2 months since the Master joined their voyages. So far he's only had about 30 true crimes, and by that I mean he caught one of the homes they visted on fire.

About 53 “naughty” days. The Last week though? It's been secretly excellent. The Doctor thought that things were going great.

He's found that by giving the Master MORE freedom, he's actually learned how to behave quite a bit. It seems that separating him from the tasks of everyday life made him feel unwanted and untrusted (for obvious reason).

Hell, even he was shocked when told he was allowed to do important things.

Not only did he now have free range of the TARDIS but he was allowed to do mostly everything. He's even tried his luck at pushing buttons by sniffing around the other companions' rooms, knocking over and purposely misplacing things. All of which were met with a short talk and sometimes a hug.

This confused him greatly. He just broke something, why was he being forcibly hugged and then scolded? The Doctor would tell him to clean it up and if he didn't would get locked in the room (so he couldn't make another mess) forced to observe as the Doctor cleaned it himself.

He still had the bio bracelets so that he couldn't fully man the TARDIS but the Doctor began asking him to pull levers and asking his opinion on things. But why would the Doctor want his advice? He was a mere prisoner… usually captains of a ship didn't ask the people in the cellar for advice.

His bell had been kept on for safety reasons, mainly because he thought it was funny to chase Rory around until Amy came to spoil the fun by spraying him with a water pistol holding a liquid he couldn't quite place. Sometimes it stunk.

Once he opened his mouth to hiss at her and it went straight down his throat, cutting off the noise as he growled, only to realize it was sweeter than regular water. What was that? Sugar water?? No if it was sugar water it wouldn't stink like that..

Looking out his window, he was content as he watched the stars pass by, not entirely sure of what planet they were at but had a close enough idea of which solar system they were in. He could feel that they were extremely far from earth, further then that pathetic planet pluto, further than alpha centauri, and even further than Estello Aqualo, a planet full of nothing but water inhabitants.

Oh how he hated water planets. He much preferred reddish orange planets like Mars, Jupiter And Saturn. They reminded him of home… and the fact that blue was SO Last millenia-

While laying up here, up on his metal loft, He was mindlessly thinking, something he couldn't often do because of the constant thumping in his head but he's found that these bracelets dimmed the sound into a small tap rather than a thump of a hammer against his skull. He still heard it, oh yes he definitely could but it was much softer. Almost like a lullaby.

Lazily tossing the Doctor's ridiculous fez up and down, he wondered if the Doctor would be able to ever take it away… Rassilon only knew just how threaded the beat been woven into his life. And as much pain as it has caused him… He couldn't help but wonder…

What would he be without it?

Would he go back to being who he was before? An innocent child hoping, praying, Waiting until the day he received his Time Robes and was given his own TARDIS 60? Until he was gifted the honor of having his own team to command?

A team of his friends?

Until he was on the same team as Theta…?

No.

He could never stand with the Doctor. Never fully on the same team but yet- He sat up. They reminded him of those cartoons he watched when on earth.

Wile E Coyote and the Roadrunner.

Iron Man and Captain America.

Batman and Joker.

The Master looked at the hat in his hands, pondering if he should put it on.. or perhaps throw it out the window! Or…

“Has anyone seen my Fez? I seem to have misplaced it.”

“Have you checked your room?”

“I've checked my bunk, yes. I've also checked the clothing closet and storage rooms.”

Listening from above, he let out a deep sigh, hoping down with a clattering of the TARDIS grate underneath. Being glanced at, He took a few steps forward, handing him the hat.

“Wha- Oh! Thank you!” Taking the fez he smiled, putting it on as if he seemed incomplete without it only to quickly hug him before bouncing off to what ever nonsense he was up to now.

Returning the hug, He didn't seem to notice until Rory stood there, Staring at him with an open mouth.

“What?” He grunted.

“...You..”

“Spit it out you ape.”

“..You returned his hat..”

“Congratulations. You have eyes.”

“No no no, I mean… you returned his hat.. and hugged him..”

“He hugs all of us all the time, whats your point? If you say something stupid like friendship im going to stab you.”

“But today you hugged back. You never hug back.”

“And? so Wh- Oohh ….” Now freezing, He blinked. He did do that.. didn't he? Why did he do that?!

Why did he give it to him so easily? He didn't even ask for it back and he just.. handed it to him? And not only the hat but he returned his hug too?

….Why did I do that?

Now the two stared at each other, both worried and concerned on different levels for opposite things. One worried if he was getting soft, or possibly being brainwashed, the other concerned that he was about to lose an arm.

The silence only broke when he looked at his hands and muttered “Am I sick?? Don't answer that!”

Opening his mouth to reply, Rory immediately shut it, Nodding softly in understanding. While he was quite a brave man, he was smart enough to know that the Master WOULD in fact eat him. And the Doctor couldn't save him forever…

For the next couple of days, he thought about this heavily, deciding that next time he would rip up the hat on purpose. Yeah that'll show him! As for now, He had been standing by the control console, looking at the destination only to scrunch up his nose.

Oh great. Earth. 44 BCE. Just what they needed. More interactions with uncivilized humans fighting over politics… at least this would be entertaining. Assassinations always were when they succeeded.

Coming up to the console, The Doctor clicked a few things, Petting part of the tubing with a happy hum. The hum was slow and sounded like something he'd heard many many years ago. Something of taste. Yawning, He listened to the humming until the Doctor walked off to do something else before unconsciously bee lining for his room.

Climbing into the top bunk (The Doctor had the bottom one whenever he did decide to sleep so it was barely used.) The Master pulled the blankets up around him. Tugging his pillow close, closing his eyes. It didn't take long until he started making rhymed breaths, a rumbling in his chest and throat starting to form from the amount of comfort under the thick blanket.

He got cold easily, as most Gallifreyans did due to the natural heat that they grew up with. Even during his time as Prime Minister he wore layers. Lots of them, blankets in the Limos and curling up to Lucy in an attempt to steal what little warmth humans had. Why the Doctor favored London, a cold, rainy and cloudy place? He'd never know. He prefered somewhere warm. Usually the warmer, the more interesting beasts to see scare small children.

A few moments later he stopped the purring, opening his eyes with a confused “Wait a minute..” look. Why was he sleeping? He wasn't even tired and it was 1 in the afternoon. His regular nap time wasn't until 4.

What in all things unholy was going on?? Did the Doctor do this? A curse perhaps? Was it these?

Rolling over, he looked at the metal on his wrists and for the 14th time he began to gnaw on the bracelets, growling in frustration. What was going on!? Whatever it was, he didn't like it… Mmh…Oh well. He was already there.

The next day, a certain clattering of pans made him perk up. He was swinging in his rope hammock, batting at the decorations that the Doctor specifically told him not to mess with, climbing on them, tugging them, kicking them, biting them, etc.

Anything to try and ruin it but it was proving to be quite difficult to do and not be caught seeing as it was thick enough to not break easily.

Sure, he could just rip them down with the strength he had but that would be no fun. It would cut the fun by 78% actually. He'd already done the math. Whenever someone could come in, He'd instantly stop and pretend to be innocently snoozing.

The pang of pans though? That was enough to bring him down. Climbing out of his swing, the Master followed the noise, coming to the kitchen as he sat at the table, the chair specifically to the left side, separated from the others. A nice pillow on his chair as well.

Honestly he was quite proud of this one. The Master had thrown a fit for hours straight until the Doctor gave him a special chair and now he sat in it like a king peering over his subjects (when in truth, It's just because everyone else was too scared to sit next to him while he ate, afraid they'd get snapped at or bitten if the Master thought they wanted his food)

Sitting here, he waited. Patiently at first but his patience was quickly running out when seeing no one else was coming. Hadn't they heard? Were they not hungry? Well good. He'd simply have it all then. There was no waste on this ship. None at all thanks to him, except when it came to pickles or cucumbers. He hated them. They looked and smelled foul enough for him to hiss, gag, and vomit all at once.

Eventually, his patience grew tired as he looked to the redheaded woman who dropped these pans everyday. For some reason, the Doctor kept these pans up high and getting them down was a nightmare, even for him.

You had to move the pans in order to get the plates behind them. Honestly, the kitchen's arrangement system made him think of the time the Doctor used to store his robes with his socks and his shirts with his underwear.

Who did that??

“Where is everyone?” He asked her, in which turn she turned to glance at him, having heard the jingling of his bell already.

“What do you mean?”

“It's time for a meal…yes?”

“No?? it's 3 pm. Why would you think it's time for dinner already?” She asked.

The Master paused.. Why did he think it was time? Wait, why did he come in here in the first place?

Oh yes! The pans.

“You.. dropped the pans.” It was said with a questioning tone at the end more than a statement.

“Yeah? I drop them every time because this kitchen is an utter mess.”

“riiighht…”

As much as he didn't want to admit it, Amy was right. This place was a disaster. If he didn't enjoy the chaos of watching the humans try to figure out the unorganized kitchen he'd say screw it and fix it himself. But what fun would that be?

“What do you want anyway?” She grumbled.

“What?”

“You heard me. What do you want? What stupid little plan do you have now? Come to remind me how dumb I am for dropping everything? Going to threaten to eat me? ...Again?”

The master blinked, tilting his head.

“Well… No I-” Wait.. How dare she speak to him like that! But.. yeah.. why did he come to the sound of the pans? It was odd. Even For him. Perhaps he got his hours mixed up?- No. It was something more than that. Something he wasn't able to figure out.

Seeing the confusion on his face, Amy frowned, now feeling a little bad. “Oh… Are you hungry? Do you want a snack or..something?”

“Huh?”

“It's just that.. you ran in here like a cat hearing a can of tuna being opened.”

“What!? I did not!”

“Oh you SO did. Here, I'll ask the Doctor where he keeps the snacks for you, okay?”

“What do I look like a dog?”

“He mentioned something about buffalo lungs the other day.”

As if hearing a magic word, He smiled at her widely, the kind he only did when actually excited. “He did? Where?”

“But I dont know if they're yours or his… he eats some pretty weird stuff.”

“Aye! Are you insulting our culture?”

“Maybe I am. What are you going to do about it, bellboy? He's not going to give you a treat if you keep misbehaving.”

Glaring, his arms crossed. “...You're the one being rude.. the Doctor says I'M not allowed to be rude so why can you? God he was always a hypocrite..”

“Look just-” But before she could continue, he heard a different noise. A known squeak of an in-need-of-oil door. Turning away, he ignored her, taking off towards the door.

“Typical..” she sighed, figuring she might as well go see if the Doctor would share his snacks or not, just incase he came back.

Running through the TARDIS Involved jumping over a couple of things and coming to a stop as he saw that curly headed woman standing in the doorway holding a box.

Stepping deeper into the TARDIS, Her heels tapped, No- Clicked against the tile, humming as she spun around what looked to be a set of keys on a colorful keychain. She was sporting a sun hat and far less clothing than he remembered her from last time. His nose scrunched at the smell of sun lotion.

Peering out the door, he seen tons of reddish tinted sand and a sky of orange, yellow, pink. A sea of red. A large pink moon, visible in the sky from where he stood. Where were they? When did they land?

“Ah ah ah- Not so fast Kitty. Where do you think you're going?” She asks, smirking with that type of affection that the Doctor would give him at times before snapping the door closed. It was so annoying..

Beginning to glare from the nickname, a quiet growl rose in his throat. She called him this because of the bell around his neck and the fact that she had caught him “purring” in his sleep, when OBVIOUSLY it was snoring. Duh.

“Why are you here?”

“I could ask you the same thing, pumpkin.”

His nose scrunched further, Tilting his head like a confused puppy, the way the Doctor does at times. “Why are you calling me a squash?”

“It's a form of endearment! I er- I think?”

Turning, He rolled his eyes. Oh great. Someone else who was annoying- Though… He looked.. different today. His hair was pushed back and shiney, probably with gel. He had that hideous footwear on again too, but now he was wearing a half opened blue palm tree shirt with parrots and coconuts on it. For a moment he was going to question why his shirt was half undone but saw him quickly trying to finish buttoning it up.

“Hello, Sweetie.”

“H-hi” His friend stuttered, trying to stay focused on his buttons and not the fact River was in a two piece and a small cover up tied around her waist.

“What's the rush? You act like you don't want me seeing you.”

“Oh n-No! Nothing like that! Not at all I just thought-”

River leaned in close to his face, that same smirk plastered onto her lips.

“You thought you wanted to make me work for it… Didn't you? Want me to rip it off with my teeth? You naughty boy.”

“I-..” The Doctor swallowed, looking as if he malfunctioned, like a restarting cellphone.

The Master made a fake gagging noise, rolling his eyes even harder as he pointed into his mouth.

“I thought I told you not to be rude?” Was the first thing the restarted phone said once it finished rebooting. Being scolded felt nice. All eyes in the room on him.

“What? I didn't even say anything this time.” He teased.

River smiled wider, fondly shaking her head as she handed him the small Rainbow clicky key chain. It was shaped like a slug and when you shook it, it made noise and moved in a slithering motion.

“You open that box, and it's yours, sweetie.”

“Why are you calling him sweetie?” He asked, stepping forward as If wanting attention too but she ignored him for now. She watched with a pleased grin as he took the box, looking at it, shaking it next to his ear.

“What is it?”

“Spoilers.”

“.. I hate when you say that..”

“I know. I've been having some trouble with it. The box I mean” She explains, her boyfriend now cocking a brow, pouting that the Master was getting more attention then him. If he knew one thing about River, it's that his dear Melody would never give a box to a man if she had trouble opening it. She'd just blow the lock off with one of her fancy guns.

“No you're no-”

She kissed him, grabbing his bow tie and staining his lips that bright red that she wore often. During their kiss, one of his once flat hairs stuck up, flopping over into his face.

Pulling away, he took a breath, baffled at what in the world was going on.

Completely ignoring this, as this was common whenever River came by, The Master was sitting on the floor, shoving One of the dozen keys into the hole, jiggling them around, cursing under his breath whenever they didn't work. Blinking, The Doctor smiled seeing how entertained he was, leaning in close to the woman. “What actually is in that box, River?”

“Oh you two are so much alike. Too curious for your own good.”

“What? No. We're nothing alike.”

“Yes we are. I've been saying this for eons.” the man on the floor muttered, Putting his arms up in triumph as he got the right key out of the dozen.

“What is it?” The Doctor asks, trying to peer over his shoulder.

“It's mine, that's what!” He says, taking out a box all taped up in clear cellophane but he could see the label, grinning widely to himself, keeping it close so the Doctor couldn't see. He knew he'd want to take it away. River was always bringing him treats. As many times as she made him gag, he always knew that her heels meant something good.

Glancing at River with those big puppy eyes, she giggled, taking his arm as she whispered to him. “It's a knife.”

“A what?! Why would you give him that!? You know he's-”

“Ooh hush. Let him have some fun.”

“If by fun you mean killing your parents and possibly me then sure- River why would you-”

She kissed him again.

“Mh- Thank you but you can't just keep-”

And again.

“River!” He whined

And another.

By now, he's learned not to speak or else she'd kiss him a fourth time just to shut him up. Not like it was a bad thing but he really was concerned.

“There's a good boy. Now. Is operation cat-astrophe still happening?”

For a moment or two, he seemed confused until she put her head towards the Master in which he gasped, nodding. “Oh Yes!”

“I see that Door is a check.” She mumbles, remembering how quickly he came when the door was opened.

“We're working on that. Clicky treats is a go I suppose?”

“Mmmhm. You should have seen how happy he was to see me.”

“Good good.. Just wished you would've chosen a different gift..”

“Just watch And see, sweetheart. Goodness so impatient.” She whispered.

During this conversation, nothing else mattered to the Master except biting and tearing through these 10 layers of tape. Growling, he was becoming a bit frustrated, but it only seemed to make him work harder at it, sticking out his tongue for maximum brain operation.

“Oh I love when he makes that face.”

“What face??”

“With his tongue? It's like you and your glasses.”

“What? No-”

“Yes.”

“AHA!!” He had finally ripped open the box, giggling to himself as he took his prize, quickly running off, probably to go attempt a murder.

“Hm. Well that lasted about 5 minutes…”

“How long do you think until he realizes it's bio locked?” She whispered, smirking like ever.

Staring at her, The Doctors grin grew. “Aahh I see.. you..”

“Mhm.”

“So that-”

“Yes.”

“And now?”

“Yup.. aannnd here he comes.” She could hear the incoming jingling from his bell serving it's purpose.

Coming back to them both, he was pissed. He had just tried to stab Amy and nothing happened, The blade just went inside like one of those cheap toys from the supermarket. He felt the blade. It was real, not plastic, So why wasn't it working? It wasn't fair.

“What did you do to my knife!?”

“Whatever do you mean, Pumpkin?”

“Stop calling me a squash you witch! I can't stab anybody! What kind of present is that!?”

“Did you try stabbing… Things?” River says, raising her brows in a pleased, smugness.

“Things?” Pausing for a few seconds, He soon got the biggest shit eating grin, Running away a second time. Moments later, they heard a crash, laughing, and a loud “Hey!!”

The Doctor blinked. “...He just broke your mothers vase..”

“It was a hideous vase.”

“River!”

“What? Now come on. We have some more training to do.”

Later, after the Master destroyed exactly 3 ceramic things, stabbed the table to death, ripped up all Rory's pillows, and used his new toy to cut up some cheese as a snack, He now was curious about the door again.

Sneaking towards it and looking outside like a cat that wanted to go out but was nervous he'd get scolded, he watched as the Doctor set up lounge chairs and towels on the beach.

Again the heels. Part of him became excited. He liked that clicking- But why? Since when did he like River?? He didn't. He didn't like anyone on this damned ship that he was prisoner to.

“Hi cupcake. You wanna go outside sweetpea?”

His eyebrows scrunched. “I'm not a baked goods… Or a flower. Are you insulting me?”

“Terms of endearment, dear. Remember? Anyway, Let's say you and me go outside hm?”

He looked at her with hesitance. She was being suspicious… He wasn't allowed outside. What was this? Some sort of test? Fine. He'd play their game.

“No… I'm not allowed outside.”

“Aww why not?”

“Cause..??” Was she stupid? Prisoners weren't allowed to leave. That's the whole point of his cuffs And collar. Kept on an invisible, metaphorical leash at all times.

“Well… The Doctor and I are going to sit on the beach. Do you want to come?”

The light in his eyes alone was enough to make River want to hug him to bits. Why were Time Lords so cute? Was it some sort of defense mechanism? Or was it the Feline Virus thing the Doctor told her about lingering in his genetic code?

Starting to nod, he quickly stopped, now playing with his hands. “no.. I'll get in trouble..” and just like that, that light died so soon. So short lived. Frowning, she almost felt pitiful for him. “That is true… but wait! Have you ever tried.. you know.. asking?”

“A-asking to go outside..?”

“Yes.”

“He'll just say no. Every time I get out, I get in trouble.”

“But did you ask?”

Poking his fingers together, he made a sound that sounded uncertain. It broke her heart. Now she was going to scold her husband.

“Alright.. well.. if you want to come join us outside, All you have to do is ask. Mkay?”

And she took off her heels, setting them up on the TARDIS dash only to walk out barefoot, the red sands making footprints as she went.

Standing at the door, now he was really unsure. This felt like a trap.. why would she tease him with freedom like that? Why would she give him a knife? And for the love of god- Why did he get excited when he heard her heels clicking on the TARDIS floor?

Slowly, he peeks his head out of the TARDIS, looking around the planet, The sky, the waves, the footprints she left.

“Hey!” Becoming startled, he jumped a bit, ducking back into the blue box. He wasn't entirely sure if these cuffs would electrocute him if he left or not.. even though Amy joked about them being shock bracelets… The Doctor couldn't do that..

Right?

“Do you want a Jelly worm?!” This was shouted from about 50 feet away by a man with his shirt half unbuttoned, holding a bag of candies while River slathered sunscreen all over him.

“I think theyre called Gummy worms, dear.” She mumbled.

“I'm certain they're called jelly worms.”

“Oh yeah? Read the package.”

Looking at the pack, He pouted. “Jelly worms sound cooler.”

Blinking, The Master wondered if he was talking to him or someone else.

“Me?”

“Yeah! You want a ‘Gummy worm'?!”

“What’s a gummy worm?! Can... I come outside?” This was asked in speaking tone rather then a shout.

“What!?”

“What's a gum-! You know what.. nevermind.” he mumbled, frowning as he stepped a foot on the sand, wincing, expecting his wrists to send electromagnetic shocks through his arms. But nothing happened.

Discovering this, he ran out of the TARDIS, circling round it before coming towards the other two, grinning.

“What's a gummy worm?”

“Its a jelly worm.”

“Oh! Yeah. Gummy Worm sounds stupid.”

He mumbled, being given a few of the candies. Glancing at River, The Doctor had a smug look, wiggling his eyebrows at her as she rolled her eyes, smiling.

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah.” He shoved one in his mouth. “I think-” another “-they're called jelly worms.” A third one.

“That's what I said! See?”

“Everyone else calls them Gummy worms because they're made with xanthan gum.”

“Like Xanax?”

“What!? No!” She laughed. “Goodness. You had some fun as Prime Minister didn't you?”

“What's Xanax?? Is that a fancy drink?” The Doctor asked, shoving some worms in his mouth as the two looked at each other as if mentally playing rock paper scissors to see which unlucky soul got to teach the Doctor about recreational drugs.

“Seeya-” He said, taking off.

“Ah you gotta be kitten me.” She smirks and the Doctor gives her a look as if to say ‘Really?’ Only to giggle too.

“That's just claw-ful!”

River gave a chuckle before sighing.

“Well.. looks like it's just you and me, sweetheart..”

“Fur-ever?” He held out his pinky, smirking as he raised his eyebrows a few times. River giggled, rolling her eyes only to take the pinky, bringing the intertwined fingers up to her lips.

“Fur-ever. Till the end?”

“Until the end of time and more, my darling.” He would never be able to forget her.. not ever. How could he?

A few times, The Master would run away, doing circles, Zoomies as river called it but never seemed to get too far from the TARDIS, returning when offered more Jelly worms, each time recieving a praise and a snack for coming back to them.

Now he was becoming bored of the laps, even going as far as putting his toes curiously into the ocean, realizing that it was warm. Like a water bottle left out in the sun. This displeased him. He was already hot from his laps around the beach, he didn't want hot water all over his body. Hot was an understatement. If it were hot like the baths he'd not mind but it was the gross kind of warm. The kind that felt yucky on your skin. God he hated water..

It was then he realized that outside of the TARDIS he had free will, coming over to lift the Doctor's chair, dumping him over only to run away, manically laughing, giggling almost.

“What the-!?”

“Catch me if you dare!” He yelled, Dashing off, further and further away. A rush of adrenaline and freedom taking over him. This seemed like the start of a fun game… that was until he had run so far that he was panting and the TARDIS looked like a tiny dot from here.

Where was everyone on this planet anyway? He'd come all this way and not seen a single person. Not a hint of a town, and definitely not a city. Part of him cursed the Doctor for taking him to a deserted solar system with no one to play with- and on top of that, For not chasing after him. He knew how this game worked, didn't he? One ran, the other chased. It's been like this for thousands of years.

So why not now? Was it because of that woman? The daughter of Amelia Pond? This still confused him greatly. He understood the concept of time travel, duh, but what confused him is why her parents would let her marry A dingus like the Doctor. I mean really? Why did she lower her standards?*

Eventually, curiosity killed the cat. He ran as far as he could, trying to find any forms of life, only finding himself alone. Completely and utterly abandoned it seemed. This puzzled him. Why would the Doctor want to come here? There was nothing but a waste land of sand.

Later, When he came back into the TARDIS painting, sweating, and whining from all that walking and running. He shut the door, collapsing on the floor as he laid there, feeling her cool air coming up from the grates and her cold metal against his skin.

Just because Gallifreyans were resistant to heat didn't mean that going out in the blazing sun with a black hoodie was a good idea. Especially not when there wasn't anywhere to go. Not even a tree in sight.

“Well well well. Look what the cat dragged in.” The curly haired woman says, Smiling as she sat next to the Doctor on the torn up sofa that they apparently had moved into the TARDIS control room. (For whatever reason)

They probably had just finished kissing (or got interrupted) seeing as there was lipstick smeared over the Doctors lips and he doubted heavily that the doctor applied it himself… He wasn't THAT much of an idiot… He knew how to appropriately apply lipstick.. even he knew that.

“Why didn't you tell me there wasn't anything out there!?”

“We figured you'd find out for yourself sooner or later” The Doctor says, Scooting over, Trying to wipe the lipstick off of him only to smear it onto his hand and cuff.

“Who's we? Come're baabbyyy” River coed, putting her arms out to him.

Without a second to think about it, he began to scramble over to her only, crawling the few feet only to stop dead in his tracks. What the fuck was he doing? And why?

Sure he's laid between them multiple times to purposely frustrate them, but now it seemed as if they were welcoming him with literal open arms. Why? Cocking a brow, He himself was now frustrated, why were they being so… Kind.. to him? For what? His thinking soon sufficed when called for again.

“Come on. Come to mommy. What did that mean man do to you, hm?” She coed.

“I am not! He's just… bad!”

“Oh he's not bad! He's bored.”

"Yeah! There's a difference!" He awnsered And just like that, in her lap he went, being sure to push the Doctor away from her with his feet, trying to be a menace as much as possible, laying his head in her lap as he stared up at her. Petting his head, she giggled, talking to him further to make him feel pampered and praised. If there was one thing she knew, The Master adored being worshipped and given attention. Ignoring him made things 10 times worse, so she's learned that if she petted him long enough he would go to sleep and she could talk to her dear husband some more before the little gremlin woke up.

“What did he do, hm?? So cruel. Leaving you out there all alone?” River smirked as he already was droopy lidded, nodding softly along with the words.

“I did not. It's his fault for running off.”

“Oooh he's done nothing wrong.”

“... It's really hard to teach him when you keep enabling him, love..”

“That's why it's called Paw-sitive reinforcement, Doctor.” She said this in a sing-songy voice, Letting him get comfy as he turned over, Subconsciously nuzzling up to her hands and stomach.

Truth be told, he could care less what they were talking about right now. He was far too tired to listen to them bicker, using it as white noise, hoping it would drown out the drums that pounded in his head every waking moment of existence.

While they were faint, they were still there. At the back of his mind, like trying to smash through a 2 foot thick wall of ice, bound to break eventually, but right now, they gave him comfort. A constant reminder of who he was and that if anything was real? It was the pounding.

The warmth of her hands also gave him comfort, running her pointed red nails through his bleached blonde and trailing up and down his back through his hoodie.

A few minutes pass and the Doctor is now staring at them with a fond look, a shallow pang of jealousy but he wasn't sure about who. He was jealous of River for being able to get HIS best friend so cuddly and he was jealous of the master for cuddling up to HIS wife. It made him want to take him from her, put him on his lap and let him sleep there instead, but also shove him off the couch and take his place. God this was so difficult. How did humans do this relationship thing? It was so… annoying yet.. wonderful! He wouldn't change it for the world. He was so sleepy and… beautiful.

“You're staring sweetie..”

The voice echoed through his brain once, then twice before he looked up. “Huh?”

“You're staring again… Don't worry. You'll get your turn.”

“When?”

“Oooh so impatient.”

“No I mean- I.. When can I hold him?”

Her eyes widened, not aware that she had been hogging, let alone that he would want a turn at all. “Well… You can have him now if you'd like.”

“I..” Man this was embarrassing. “I think I'd like that.”

Carefully, They moved him from one lap to another, Which at first led to a protest of whining and gentle clawing**, Assuming he was falling off the couch.

“Shh shh shh. No honey. You're okay. You're just fine.” She whispered, pulling his hands away, trying to keep him from sitting up by putting her hand up under the thick sweater, scratching his back ever so gently the way he enjoyed before.

Letting out a sigh of relief, His shoulders dropped, curling up the way he liked in the Doctor's lap instead, a deep rumbling beginning from him. “.. He's so tired..”

“From all that running around, probably.” She whispered, enjoying his purring.

“No.. He's exhausted. His last regeneration went a bit..wonky. I don't even know if….If..” He trailed off, the way he did when he wanted to stop talking about something instead of when he forgot what he was saying.

“What? Cat got your tongue?”

Snickering, He shook his head. “No... I just.. even Time Lords can only take so much and..”

River knew. He watched him die. He burnt his body. He gave him a proper death ***ceremony- well.. about as proper as you could without others knowing.

“So it's a good thing you're taking care of him. Isn't it?”

“That's the thing. It's not that he can't do it himself, it's just that.. He's reckless..”

“Oh and I suppose we aren't?”

“River.. I don't.. I thought I was the last one for so long. I..” He took a breath, swallowing. She could see the pain and fear in his eyes.

“I can't go back to that.. Hell. For the last few months, I've been spraying him with-”

“Doctor..” She muttered a warning, noticing that the purring had stopped, but he continued.

“Catmint tea just so he'd calm down enough to-”

“You've been spraying me WITH TEA!? THIS ENTIRE TIME?!”

The woman smiled innocently, seeing the murderous glares.

“Whoops! Cats out of the bag.”

“River-! Not now!”

*just wait until he finds out she married Jack Harkness while he had the doctor caged up LOL

** clutching/ trying to hold on, he does not have retractable nails.

*** Like Torvic's. Thats why it hurt so bad.

[julianalvarez9]

oblivious / julian alvarez

masterlist

summary: you've known julian for almost your whole life. you've been in love with him too, for the same amount of time. confessing your feelings wasn't in your plans, at least not anytime soon, until a nosy friend in common puts your plans in jeopardy.

word count: 1.1k

author's note: i actually didn't know how to end this so its kinda bad kajsajs hope you like it anyways

"i see the way you look at him" enzo says behind your back, and you turn to greet him with a smile, even if whatever he had said to you just now left you confused. "what are you on about?" you try to dismiss him, scared now that everything you had wished to hide was, instead, lying on plain sight for everyone to see. for him to see. "he's just as oblivious as you" the benfica player, now representing his national team just like julian,  points out. "you're truly meant for eachother" he scoffs, and leaves, just as quick as he had come, leaving you with multiple questions and no clear answers.

you feel someone massaging your shoulders a bit, to try and ease the tension that had grown there after your previous exchange. the identity would remain unknown to you, if you hadn't sensed the smell of his aftershave. soft but manly, just like him. "you look like you have just seen a ghost" julian jokes, trying to lift your mood, but when nothing more than a forced chuckle comes out of your mouth, he starts to worry. "has something happened, amor?" you can only refuse, but your reaction doesn't convince him. "then what's wrong, bebé?" you smile, noticing how the amount of pet names he called you grew exponentially when you couldn't voice your concerns. "enzo just said something that left me thinking. it's alright, really" you offered now a more sincere smile, and he nodded, accepting your answer this time and not pushing the subject any longer. he figured that if he wanted to find more about what happened, he had to ask his teammate instead.

even if he hadn't truly seen the interaction between you two, it still bothered him a bit that you had reacted like this, figuring that if it left you this bothered then it would be something important. something important that you couldn't say to him, even when you two told eachother everything.

julián knew better than to mistrust enzo. after all, they had known eachother for years, going back all the way to river plate's lower divisions, keeping in touch even when the midfielder went away on loan. but there was a funny feeling in his stomach, eating him from inside. he needed to talk to him, and fast, to avoid his brain going into overload with the amount of tragic scenarios he was creating.

"what did you tell y/n today?" was the first thing julián said to enzo when he returned to their shared room in argentina's camp. "ni siquiera un 'hola, amigo, cómo estás?'" (not even a hi mate, how are you?) enzo quipped, but quickly got up from the bed when the funny, joking side of the forward player didn't come out at his pun. instead, his browns keep furrowed while he fixed his suitcase, getting ready to go back to argentina after winning the world cup, something the two of them had wished since they were kids.

"told her that I saw how she looks at you. that you're made for eachother" he said the truth, figuring that lying is way out of this would be almost impossible. but he also wanted his two friends to finally take their sunglasses off and see what everyone else could: that they were, in fact, hopelessly in love with eachother. so in love that it blinded them, that it didn't allow you two to see the endless possibilities of you two being together, if only one of you could finally make the call.

"sos un boludo!" (you're an asshole!) julián screamed at his friend, which left him startled, not expecting this kind of reaction to the news. "she looked like she had seen a ghost when I went to her. she obviously doesn't like me, and now everything's ruined" he whined, seating himself on the floor against the bed. enzo quickly went to hug him, not knowing if he was crying or not behind the hands that covered his face. "look, it was a joke. i'm sure she knows I was only messing around, like always. maybe she  reacted like that because she had a bad day and wasn't in the mood for jokes. if you want i can go talk to her-" the man city player quickly got his arms, forcing the player in front of him to sit back where he was. "i'm sorry for screaming. but it's fine, you did enough. i'll go".

the truth was that julian had imagined many times how finally confessing his feelings would be. he thought about doing it when he first had to move to join river plate, but back then you two were so young. he thought about it every time he came back to town for the holidays. but he never could visualize an scenario where you reciprocated his feelings: he always pictured you running away, and hating him for ruining something so good.

his legs alone led him to your room while he was thinking about all that stuff. still now, while looking at the door and deciding if this was the right thing to do, he wasn't sure what he would say to you once he got to see your face. still, he lifted his hand and was about to knock at your door, and each time, he backed off. julian was sure he looked like those japanese figurines of cats that were believed to bring good luck to their owners. oh, how he needed that kind of luck now. but any thought he could've had disappeared once the door opened, and it left him confused for a second. he hadn't knocked, had he?

just like him, you were confused when you bumped into someone, not recognizing who could have been at your door. once you had taken a step back, you realized who it was. “oh, hi, julian. i was going to your room too. i need to speak to you about something” you quietly say, moving outside of the door frame so he could come in. julian simply nodded, positioning himself in the middle of the room, awkwardly standing. you closed the door, while he muttered quietly “i was here to talk about something too”. anticipation started to raise in your bones, afraid that he was about to confront you about your feelings before you had a chance to explain. “do you want to go first?”.

“why not at the same time?" you chuckled at his suggestion, reminding yourself of the many times you repeated these antics to avoid being the one that talks first. still, you agreed, because at least it would buy you some time if everything went sour after what you needed to say to him. the two of you started the countdown, and when it reached 0, you both spoke up.

“estoy enamorado de vos” (i’m in love with you).

“enzo tenía razón” (enzo was right). at julian’s confused reaction, you just laughed, aware that he probably didn’t understand what you meant. “yo también estoy enamorada de vos. been for a while, actually”. (i’m in love with you too).

[twistmusings]

i absolutely adore your writing! can i request jade, leona, malleus, jamil, and trey (just the first four if it's too much :)) with a cheesy s/o or crush? Someone who cracks up at their own puns, and makes really dorky pick up lines (like. really dorky. like, "are you mcdonalds? Because I'm loving it" territory here.) as a friendly joke, but is easily flustered themselves in return? just thought it'd be cute :) hope ur having a good day <33

Thank you! I hope you're having a wonderful day as well!

Some of the TWST boys with a cheesy but easy-to-fluster crush

CW: None, it's all pretty wholesome here! :)

Trey Clover

While Trey himself doesn't make a lot of puns or cheesy jokes, he's more than happy to indulge in a few pranks here and there. They're not the mean sort, thankfully, but it's his own little contribution to the playful nature of their relationship.

He would be lying to say that he wasn't a little impressed with their ability to find new ways to say something that makes him groan at how bad it is.

He'd never really taken their flirting seriously. It was kind of hard to when their idea of flirting was "Oh, you must be the library book I checked out last month because you have 'fine' written all over you." He can't help but to laugh when they say it, but he's never really thought too much about it. Besides, they wouldn't even be the only one of his friends who play-flirts with him even if he did.

He's really, genuinely surprised at how much it seems to fluster them when they're helping him peel apples for a pie and when he says he 'finds them a-peel-ing'. They're unable to speak for several minutes and Trey can't help but to be sort of charmed by it. So they can dish it but they can't take it, huh?

Leona Kingscholar

At first, Leona found their puns insufferable. He couldn't even really look past the fact that they were puns long enough to acknowledge that they were flirting with him, he just sighs loudly in protest everytime they make a pun at him and removes himself from the situation.

They are frighteningly persistent, though. That or they simply genuinely find themself funny, given how much they laugh whenever Leona rolls his eyes at them. It takes him a while, but eventually he stops feeling the need to turn and walk away from them whenever they start making jokes like that. Aside from the jokes, they're really pretty good company otherwise.

Leona doesn't really make many puns, nor does he make many jokes in return. He will pretty rarely, but they rarely seem to land because his idea of a joke is usually just a little mean or threatening. It can be very hard to tell if he's being serious when he says something until he starts smiling.

He starts to notice the pattern after a while-- that they're pretty obviously hitting on him when they make those godawful puns. He privately admires them for it. Not because of the jokes, but because it takes a lot of balls to not only hit on a prince but to hit on Prince Leona. He's well aware of his reputation for being kind of a scheming dick and he really doesn't care, but it's impressive someone so... normal has that kind of bravery in them.

He doesn't acknowledge it for a very, very long time, until one time they whip out the "I'd be lion if I said you weren't cute." He decides to push their boundaries just a little, just to see how they react. He plants an arm over their head against the wall and leans into their space, grinning at them roguishly, and huffs a "Really? Tell me then, herbivore, what do you find so cute. Don't leave out any details." He's never flirted back with them (if this even qualifies as flirting back) so he's a little surprised how quickly they go red in the face and have to scramble to cover their face. Oh? He might just have found his new favorite hobby if he's going to get reactions like this every time.

Jade Leech

Jade is thrilled when he finds someone else who enjoys puns as thoroughly as he does. ("dilly of a pickle" headass.) It's sort of a competition between the two of them to see which of them could make their friends the most exasperated.

Jade is probably the one who picks up on their flirting the fastest (immediately, honestly) and then immediately dishes it right back to them. The "You're a reel catch" has barely left their mouth before he's already snapped back in and instant with "And you must be here to catch me because you're simply a-lure-ing."

He loves the way they immediately clam up on him, and he always ends up grinning at them like the devil while they sputter and get red. Maybe it's a bit sadistic of him, but it's a competition and he's more thank happy to duke it out for title of "best worst flirt".

That being said, they're both absolutely insufferable to the people around them when they do this. Neither they nor Jade know when to quit, and Azul swears between them, Jade, and Floyd he'd going to snap simply from the amount of fish puns in his vicinity.

Jamil Viper

Jamil is definitely not a fan of the puns at first. While he finds them to be a smidge better than Kalim's literal-mindedness, he can't help but to groan and toss an accusatory look at whatever god might be out there whenever they make a pun at him. Exasperation is definitely the name of the game.

Sometimes he really, really wonders why he puts up with it but then he's reminded when they will tell him thank you for even the smallest gestures and just look genuinely happy to see him whenever he stops by even for a couple of minutes. It's... wholesome. At least that's the best word that Jamil could think of to describe it. He feels appreciated, and that far outweighs the suffering their puns cause.

He very quickly notices their puns trend toward flirting with him after the first couple. He's not the sort of person who like to draw attention to himself, though, so he chooses not to bring it up. It's not like he minds, honestly even if the puns kind of suck he appreciates the compliments at any rate.

Eventually one of them snaps him. Specifically it's "Did you just come out of the oven, because you're looking hot." He's had a long day and it's the first thing they say to him and somehow it's so decidedly in their character that he just starts laughing. Genuinely and unrestrained. He would never admit to it, but having them walk right up to him after the hellish day he's had and just make a pun at him kind of felt like a warm hug.

They look a little like they can't decide if they should be worried or proud, so he finally decides he might as well call attention to the common thread he's noticed.

"You know, you sure joke about how good I look a lot. I'm starting to wonder if you've got something you'd like to say to me." Jamil is gratified immediately at how high their voice pitches as they scramble to find something to say back to him but end up unable to make words form. It's sweet, maybe he'll have to bring it up to them later in private, where they can have a proper conversation.

Malleus Draconia

Malleus likes their puns-- actually he finds them to be quite charming... unfortunately for them, his favorite pastime is to pretend he doesn't understand them so that they have to try and explain themself to him. He's well aware of what he's doing, but he does enjoy watching them struggle just a little bit. That's probably mean, but in his defense they're cute when they try to hide their face from him.

He lets them think that he doesn't know that they're hitting on him. He knows. He's quite flattered, actually, though it takes him a long time to warm up to any sort of romantic feelings so he doesn't reciprocate for a while.

When he does, he tries to get them at their own game. And he would have too if only he'd thought it through a little more thoroughly. When he hits them with "Can I have your name or can I just call you 'mine'?" he's really, truly not expecting them to respond and say that Lilia told them they shouldn't 'give' their name to a fae. He ends up laughing because that such an old prank that the fae have played on others that he forgets for the moment that he'd just been foiled in his flirting attempt. He'll circle back to it in a few days once he's had more time to think.

Or, well, he would have, but while they were spending time together they stopped short and said 'Wait.' Then they, rather excitedly, told him they finally grasped what he'd asked them and told him that it was clever and praised him for how good he'd done. Malleus preens, or course, but it's clear that they didn't quite take it the way he'd intended.

He continues to ramp up his attempts to see how long it takes them to catch on. It's kind of a game for him, trying to find clever ways to get them to catch on. Except it doesn't seem to be working. Eventually he gets kind of fed up with it.

"Hey Malleus, looking good. What's your shirt made of, boyfriend material?" "Only if you're the treasure I've been looking for. After all, child of man, you're as dense as gold." Is the exchange that gets it to click for them, and Malleus smiles at them as he watches their expression go from mildly offended to realization to thoroughly embarrassed and unable to meet his eyes. Ah, yes, that's more what he'd been hoping to see. He quietly celebrates his success as they take the time they need to process.

[simping-on-the-daily]

sorry for traumatizing you with my boyfriend's trauma. wanna date???

The obligatory Scaramouche X Reader X Haypasia fic. Someone had to do it smh

Pardis Dhyai was pretty nice, for a research sight. It was nothing like the Fatui labs that the Doctor, the Marionette, and their respective henchman had for lairs, but it certainly had all the basic equipment for all Amurta researchers. And it did seem pretty relaxing too; you would've mistaken it for a park to bring your children too if it wasn't for all the scholars.

But you weren't here for sightseeing, or for the scholars....On second thought, you were looking for a scholar. Luckily, the person guarding that certain scholar had just finished doing a temperature check and was making his way to a rented room for the night. Upon looking at the fox-human hybrid, you had to remember you were in Sumeru, not Inazuma, otherwise you would've mistaken them for a youkai.

After doing an extra check for scholars still up in the late of night completing their assignment (there were none), you snuck into the giant glass building (super stealthily and super quickly, might you add).

The scholar was lying on the bed, not showing any sorts of distress in her slumber. The pillow was trapped in a suffocating embrace, and to Celestia you longed to be in those arms. Instead, you just sat next to her, the seat cushioned with pillows for aesthetic rather then tranquil rest.

While your boyfriend, the Balladeer, was busy getting 'dolled up' (you praised yourself for the pun for days on end), you decided to explore Sumeru. While the Akademiya had resources to rival writers for the Steambird, the whole lot of them were boring and arrogant. And for people who go on and on about how Sumeru was a land of wisdom, their obsession with the long dead Rukkhadevata was ironically the most stupidest thing you ever saw.

Luckily, you met someone from the Akademiya who didn't have coffee beans for brains. Haypasia was a great friend, always listening to what you had to say and offering to teach about Sumeru's culture. She was funny, and she was kind, and she had your heart race the same way Scaramouche did and ah shit did you fall deep.

To be fair, how could you not? She was just.......everything sweet dropped into this world. You loved her curiosity, you loved her face whenever she was focusing, and you could get lost in her eyes. Of course, you talked to Scaramouche about this, not keen on being his 'fourth betrayal'.

Thankfully, while he stated that he had never seen Haypasia before, he had to admit that your smiling and flustered face was something he'd fight for. The Balladeer did not care for monogamy, and, as long as they fit his standards, wouldn't mind another lover. (He said this much more harshly, but you knew what he meant)

From the corner of your eye, you witnessed a grey phantom, disappearing and evaporating all over the glass floors, with the gentle breeze of the night making the veil behind the figure flow.

Think of the devil.

"She's cute, isn't she?" You spoke up, getting Scaramouche's attention while also making sure Haypasia didn't wake up. Luckily, she didn't; you assumed that her failed connection to Irminsul wayed heavily on her conscious, or that the hybrid for before had given her sleeping pills.

"You know I do not care for the appearances of mortals," Scaramouche stated, turning his head around to look at you, "To do so is ridiculous."

"But......?"

"She and I are now connected."

Oh.

"Care to enlighten me on how, oh mighty Shouki no Kami?" You teased, pointing at The Balladeer's spiritual projection. You hoped it was nothing bad; you truly did care for Haypasia, and you didn't want her to suffer due to Irminsul's current predicament.

Scaramouche rolled his arms, arms crossed, but answered regardless. "You said that she was attempting to connect to Irminsul, correct?" You nodded. "It seems that in her attempt to do so, her consciousness connected to mine. She has gazed upon my life back when I was the kabukimono, and could do so again."

You lurched back in surprise, luckily with the chair not falling over as you did so. "So, like, she knows everything? Or at least, she knows about your......past?"

"Correct."

You rubbed your hands through your head. Whoever this hybrid was, you were lucky they found Haypasia before the Sages did, otherwise they likely would've exiled her just like the other scholars. Haypasia didn't deserve that. The desert was anything but merficful, even less so to exiled students.

"I understand why you like her so much."

Now that took you out of your thoughts. You raised an eyebrow at Scaramouche , who was looking down at the sleeping girl.

"She has seen me at my most pathetic; before I found the truth of the stars. And yet, she recognizes my supreme divinity and righteous place in this world. Her worship has not been faltered despite that idiot's best attempts," He sneered, "And sees me as what I was supposed to be."

He stepped forward, getting closer to Haypasia, who still showed no signs of stirring awake. "She is what you said she was. Determined, kind, and not like those arrogant Sages who think they're better than me. Even the Jester is now an ant compared to my power. She knows this."

A phantom hand gently pressed down on Haypasia's head, and there was a glimmer in Scaramouche's eyes as he did so. "My first follower....."

"What am I, chopped ham?" You scoffed in jest, arms crossed as you still sat down. To be jealous of Haypasia was ridiculous. You had no idea that she had connected to Scaramouche of all people; you just saw being taken to Pardis Dhyai for recovery because her attempt to be one with Irminsul had gone wrong. (You happened to see it as you went to your decided meeting place. You were not stalking your crush).

"You're an idiot, that's what you are." Scaramouche rolled his eyes with pretend animosity, as he took his hand off of Haypasia's head and crossed his arms again.

"She will be with us," He announced. "She will be our most respected follower. She will be our side as we rule together."

"We? You never told me that I was joining you in divinity," You narrows your eyes, "And what if Haypasia doesn't want to be a god? She's basically stuck in a coma right now and I don't want to do anything she wouldn't want."

"You really are stupid," Scaramouche sighed. "Do you think that I'd allow you in such a vulnerable decision until I was sure I could get the Doctor to get his gross hands away from you? He may be helping me, but I do not want him putting his hands on you." He seemed to snarl at the thought of it. "Though.......I do suppose we could wait until she's awake. She will still be one of us regardless."

"Okay, okay," You put your hands up in front of you, "I know I already told you my feelings about her before.....this," You gestured to the comatose girl, "But how do we know she actually like likes us? Even if her focus is on you, she's still technically insane, as much as I hate to say it. Are we sure she's in the right mind to love any of us? I don't wanna force her into anything. That'd be fucking gross."

"Just as she is connected to my mind, I am connected to hers. Not only does she reciprocate your romantic feelings as well, but she does not care for stupid terms to define her feelings, she does not mind romantic relationships with more then one partner."

Great. Haypasia looked into the backstory of your traumatized Fatui boyfriend, and the traumatized Fatui boyfriend looked at Haypasia's romantic interests. Though, of course, your heart was leaping at having heard that Haypasia also loved you. Honestly? It wasn't just leaping, it was probably doing some backflips as well.

"And as for her devotion to me," Scaramouche continued, "It appears she didn't connect into Irminsul that far like the other scholars. Unlike them, she's not entirely lost in her own world, she's still capable of cognitive functions, recognising people through face and voice, knows when a situation could be dangerous, and so fourth. Her worship of a god is not the same as loving one."

.....You guessed you couldn't argue with that, but-

"Besides, the Sages already found a way to lessen the effects of Irminsul induced insanity ages ago."

If you had a drink, you'd be spitting it out. "Pardon?"

He scoffed. "Like you said, they're arrogant and disregard anyone who isn't useful to them." He looked away from you as he spoke. Scaramouche was likely speaking on his own experiences with the Raiden Shogun. "They couldn't get rid of it entirely, but they'd be able to give them stable and happy lives without exiling them to the desert. They just don't care."

.......Yeah, that made sense.

"The Doctor has given me enough power to even cure Irminsul of it's withering. When I have ascended into a fully-fledged God, I will do so. Then, I will give you enough my power so you can ascend alongside by me. By then, Haypasia should be awake."

"That's a mighty plan. Sure it will work?"

"Are you doubting me?"

You giggled. It was so hard to take him seriously whenever he was angry. "You know I'm not. I'm not that much of an idiot."

Scaramouche sighed, putting a hand to his head. "Sometimes, you make me doubt that." He sat down on your flowerbed beside your chair, though his astral form didn't cause for any flowers to be crushed.

You playfully elbowed him. "Don't be an asshole," You grinned up at him. "What if Haypasia wakes up and the first thing she hears is her god being a complete potty-mouth?"

He glared at you, but did not respond.

".......So, we can agree on both wanting Haypasia to be in our relationship?"

"We just discussed that we did, dumbass."

"Just making sure."

Scaramouche grabbed your hand, and for someone who was currently appearing in an astral projection with his real body being inside a giant mech right now, his hand touching yours didn't feel weird. It felt natural; there was no tingling of your bones or goosebumps down your skin as he did so.

You leaned over to Haypasia, patting her head like Scaramouche did before. "Sweet dreams." You smiled, and your heart jumped at seeing how peaceful she looked.

The night was calm, the stars out and the breeze gentle. Haypasia's dreams were indeed sweet, you fell asleep on phantom Scaramouche's shoulder, and Scaramouche himself felt more power flowing through the Shouki no Kami.

Everything was going splendidly. Sooner or later, Scaramouche would ascend into a god, and you would be by his side too. Then, Haypasia would join as well, and then you three would become the Gods of Sumeru.

Though the kabukimono had once wished to no longer have a heart, the thought of throwing you to the side made him want to throw up. And after you had told him about the scholar who you were interested in as well, and gaining a connection with that same scholar, he didn't want to leave her behind.

Scaramouche would never be abandoned again. He wouldn't be, not when you loved him so much and he could feel Haypasia's devotion in the back of his mind.

And in that moment, with you on his shoulder and Haypasia sleeping tranquilly next to the both of you, he closed his eyes and wished for a happy ending.

[drpeppertummy]

Make him eat something dumb accident or not be mean to him >:3

MEAN to him ..............................

[post-stuffing tummyache, brief mention of past verbal abuse/degrading talk & a tiny hint to alcoholism]

Leon groaned and curled up around his aching belly. It gurgled miserably at the added pressure of his legs pushing against it, and, realizing this wasn't the best position, he turned ungracefully onto his back. Looking down at himself, he was both astonished and ashamed at how far his belly bulged out, stuffed far too full of nothing good.

As he lay there trying to soothe his upset stomach, Leon was startled by the phone ringing beside his head. He reached out awkwardly and grabbed it, nearly knocking an empty bottle off the end table with the cord. He supposed he shouldn't tease Shel so much for using a flip phone when he still had an old landline with the curly cord, but that was a concern for another time.

"Hello?" The word came out a little wobblier than he'd have liked it to, but he was glad to hear a familiar voice on the other end.

"Hey, Leon the Lion! What're you up to?"

"Oh, just lyin' around," Leon replied, feeling pleased with his stupid pun. Shel's wheezy chuckle was contagious, and he smiled.

"Course you are. Hey, you doin' anything today? They got that little fall festival goin' on over down at the park by Giuliana's," said Shel.

"Oh, I don't know," sighed Leon. "I'm not feeling great right now."

"Oh? What's the matter?" He could hear an almost motherly concern in Shel's voice, and while he felt bad about worrying him, he'd be lying if he said it didn't make him feel a little warm and fuzzy.

"I gave myself a stomachache 'cause I'm a knucklehead."

"Aw, shoot. Well, hey, how 'bout I come over and keep you company?"

"Aw, Shelly, you don't have to do that," said Leon, touched. "Go to the festival."

"Festival's no fun without you, dummy," said Shel. "Besides, I don't like thinkin' about you layin' there feelin' shitty all by yourself. I'll be over in a little bit, okay?"

"Alright," Leon gave in. "You're the best, Shelly."

Leon shifted around on the couch, trying to find whatever position would make his stomach feel least worst. Finally, he settled on his side, although moving around hadn't helped. His belly let out a queasy rumble as it struggled to process his big lunch. He'd stopped by Wawa earlier in the day and gotten himself a pork roll sandwich and a bag of tepid jalapeño poppers from the hot tray, and, in a spur-of-the-moment decision, he'd ordered a milkshake as well. He'd been full by the time he got to the shake, but, not wanting to wreck it by putting it in the freezer, he'd gone ahead and drank it anyway.

Now, his belly felt just about ready to pop, and the heavy, greasy, meaty, creamy combination of food inside had him feeling horribly ill. As he lay there, he couldn't help but think of all the awful things Bill would've said to him for eating such a bunch of crap, and he began to feel even worse about himself than he already did. At the same time, the thought made him feel unbelievably lucky to have Shel in his life. Shel would never call him a fat pig or a slobby bitch or anything like that. Shel was always so sweet and gentle with him. Then again, maybe Bill was right. Maybe he was a slobby bitch. Maybe he didn't deserve Shel at all. Leon hugged a pillow to his chest, and, despite his far-too-stuffed stomach, he wished he had a drink.

As if to break the spell, Shel came limping through the door with a delayed knock, a bottle of ginger ale in his hand. Leon looked up, startled out of his spiral of self-loathing.

"Oh, gosh, Leon," Shel exclaimed sympathetically at the sight of his friend's distended tummy. Leon looked sheepishly up at him as he sat down in the chair beside the couch, and the mixture of discomfort and shame on his face made Shel's heart ache.

"Here, I grabbed this on the way," said Shel, passing him the ginger ale. "I know you never keep yours in the fridge."

"Shelly, you're an angel," said Leon. He took a small sip, not wanting to bloat his aching stomach up even more, and immediately felt a little bit better.

"Here, c'mere," said Shel, moving over to the couch and gesturing for Leon to come closer. Leon pushed himself upright with a grunt, his belly gurgling uncomfortably at the movement, then, shyly, he let Shel take him into his arms, leaning against his side and laying his head on his shoulder. Shel rested his hands on Leon's round tummy. It was shockingly taut, and he winced as it let out another queasy grumble. The touch was comforting, though, and he felt Leon grow more relaxed in his arms.

"Jeez, buddy, what do you got in there?"

"A bunch of crap," Leon said glumly.

"Well, hey, it happens to the best of us, right?" Shel smiled down at him, gently rubbing his belly. Leon returned the smile.

"Yeah, I guess so."

[noa-de-cajou]

Day 17 : Washing something / Blurry image / The ultimate horror

Dolmund belongs to @corneille-but-not-the-author

The following text contains mention of relationship abuse and trauma and just. Well. References to Leonova. Which comes with a whole lotta ptsd.

Listen. I like my things clean.

Khaliun used to tease me about it, you’re such a cleaning freak, and that never failed to get a rise out of me, I'm a surgeon, Khaliun, of course those godsforsaken instruments need to be spotless or at least sanitized do you want RUST in your RAW ASS WOUND-

She'd laugh and say Ether, I'm kidding!

Said she couldn't help herself, that I was cute when angry.

Leonova sure as hell didn't find it cute when I plunged my scissors into her eyes. She was into a whole bunch of things, seemed to really enjoy gouging my eye out, but clearly the opposite wasn't well received. Should have felt satisfying to give her a taste of her own medicine – doctor pun intended – but it didn't.

Not only did it feel gross but now the blood won’t come off.

Her blood on my scissors, his gift.

I've been scrubbing with all the products I found but it's still not back to its original color. It’s still red, brownish, incrusted, like rust, and it's. Not. Coming. Off.

It wasn’t meant to be used like this. It wasn’t… It’s scissors. Not even surgical scissors. It’s to cut hair, hair, not threads, especially not flesh –

Cut hair. Cut hair. She cut it. My hair. I rub my hand against the back of my neck. It's short. It’s okay. It's short. I cut it. I cut it myself. Nothing to grab, nothing to sell, I'm fine. I’m okay.

Alright. Back to scrubbing.

It's gonna come off eventually. It's gotta come off.

That cloth I'm using's way too dirty. Can't even be called a cloth, that's a rag at best. Those scissors deserve better.

What would have happened if he didn't give those to me? How would I have escaped? Maybe if I used the knives on the table? Who am I kidding, I could barely stand, let alone outrun her.

I would have died. Alone in that basement, killed by the woman I loved most, with no one to tell where I was, no tomb, no memory, all of those years for nothing-

I scrub harder.

Even if it’s useless.

Fuck, it's been, like, an hour, when is it gonna…

Maybe never.

It’s ruined. I ruined it. She ruined everything. Now I won't be able to even cut my hair without seeing those damn stains. And she's a vampire so she’ll regenerate while I'll have to see this constantly.

You know what, lying to me for years and tearing off my eye was already bad enough, but sure, let’s say that was fine, but trying to ruin the only things that I have left from him, to sully his memory, my memories like that, it's the last fucking straw, now it's midnight and this bitch has gotten me scrubbing blood that had three years to dry off a fucking pair of scissors and… and…

It's not coming off.

Maybe she cut my hair with it too. My memories are too hazy. I can't remember. I don't want to remember. I want to erase it.

It’s not coming off.

I want to puke.

I scrub and scrub and scrub and scrub and scrub but it's not coming off it’s still there I remember everything and my eye hurts and my chest is too damn tight and I don’t want to remember.

Everything's blurry, I can barely see anything now, come on, get it together, you shouldn't cry for this, you've been through worse and…

And the worse in question is in those stains.

It’s not coming off, it's not coming off, fuck this, fuck everything, I hate this, why do I even bother, why won't it FUCKING-

“Ether?”

Shit. Shit. I scrub harder. Harder. Come on. Come on please please please-

“Ether, I'm coming in.”

No no no it’s still there I have to get it clean before-

The door opens. I squeeze my eyes shut, a tear escapes. Dolmund’s there. I can't see him but I know he’s standing there. Shit.

“What the hell are you doing kneeling on the floor?”

Can’t he mind his own damn business for once? How do I explain this? How do I explain…

“It won't come off.”

Great. Amazing. Couldn’t have sounded more pathetic if I tried. My voice doesn’t even remotely sound like mine. Good job, Ether.

Dolmund walks up to me. I'm so hunched over it makes him taller.

“... Again?”

Yeah. Again. I guess I just never learn. He doesn't even sound mad or disappointed and that's probably the worst part. I cough, try to get my voice to work.

“I need to… I don't know. Thought I might give those bad boys a good scrub again. Never hurts to try, right?”

“Never hurts? Look at your hand before saying shit like that.”

I open my eyes.

The cloth is all stained with blood. So are the scissors.

Didn't even notice my nails breaking.

And now it’s even bloodier than it used to be. Tears well up in my eyes again. Great. Just great. Can this evening get any worse? Stay tuned to find out.

Dolmund sighs with all the weight of his chest.

“Put those away and go patch up your hand.”

“I c-can't.”

“Why?”

“How am I going to defend myself if you try to kill me?”

That's ridiculous. He wouldn't do that. Rationally, I know he wouldn't.

But I thought Leo wouldn't either.

“Ether, you have eight guns on you. Use them. Defending yourself with scissors? You still in kindergarten or something?”

Oh, he thinks he’s so funny. I’d punch him if my hand didn't hurt like a bitch.

“Yeah, yeah, you can glare at me all you want once you put those away.”

“But I need-”

“What you need is a drink, Ether. A drink, and to get the fuck out of your room and fix your hand, your only good hand, in case you forgot.”

He narrows his eyes at me.

“I can deal with an hungover doctor. Not an injured one. Put. Those fuckers. Down.”

…

I do. Put the fuckers down, that is. After washing my blood off right away with some water. I shut my drawer tight. Out of sight, out of mind, or whatever.

“That’s better. You comin’, or do you need help walking too?”

He’d help me, if I said yes. But he knows treating me like I'm sick would be ten times worse. I can pity myself just fine, thank you very much.

And we know we both need way more than what we can give each other.

“I'm good.”

Just a little wobbly on them legs. Wooooo.

“Hope you got something strong enough.”

“You bet.”

The drink is indeed strong.

It's the only thing keeping my mind right and clear lately. I’m glad Faloi and Khaliun are dead so they don’t have to see this, but it’s their fault for getting killed in the first place.

Hey, at least I did Leo one better.

Can’t sell or eat a fucked-up liver.

[quietbooklion]

Thoughts on: Shizuki

So... this review was kind of difficult for me to write because when it comes to Shizuki's main story, I feel like we barely scratched the surface of who he is as an individual. I did like the story and Shizuki, but when it comes down to insight and reading between the lines, he probably benefits the most by reading his event stories to get to know him better. From what I remember when I had originally played his route a long time ago, I did think his story was pretty good, albeit a few issues I had but couldn't remember. After replaying his story, I remembered the flaws of his story. Thankfully, I think the positives outweigh the flaws to deliver a good story. Anyway, onto the review.

*This review will contain spoilers, you have been warned*

To start off with the positives, I think Shizuki is a stand out character amongst the Twilight Faction. Shizuki as a character is pragmatic in nature when you see how he handles things and determining what would be best for either Toichiro or even the MC. It isn't always perfect but it shows that he's a very practical individual which I appreciate. Especially when it's in contrast to Toichiro or any of the other LIs. He's calm and collective when the situation calls for it and isn't afraid to call out Toichiro's behavior. All in all, he's a pretty cool guy (no pun intended). Also, his cards do him justice because this man is beautiful. Not just handsome, but beautiful. Like seriously, Shizuki, drop that hair care routine asap!

The biggest highlight of his story would definitely have to be the conflict between him and Kagemaru. I could practically feel the tension and animosity between them when they interacted and made for some of the best scenes when they were either fighting or talking. Kagemaru himself helps with how sadistic and forceful he is with not just his actions, but his way of thinking and his ideals. Their scenes made for some of the best interactions between any character so far.

Sometimes throughout the story we're told that Shizuki is a powerful ayakashi as he is a male snow spirit which is a rarity among his kind and I was thinking that power was going to be shown in the story. He's strong but I think the story kind of exaggerated his strength. I think this part of his story suffered from telling and not showing how powerful he is because if he were to be in a 1v1 fight with Koga or Toichiro, either one of them could win because Shizuki's story doesn't really show the strength of his abilities. Even Hisui seems to be more powerful than him. I wish we were shown his strength rather than be told about it.

The biggest disappointment would have to be the supposed budding romance. I say supposed because nothing about this romance felt natural to me. If anything, compared to the other LIs, Shizuki's romance felt forced. I could not see or feel the chemistry between Futaba or Shizuki, like, at all. In that one scene near the end when they're a the park and it was revealed that Shizuki was lying about being under a charm, Futaba was hurt (rightfully so because I don't really understand why he couldn't tell her the truth) and she said that she hates him to which he said that he loves her. I'm sorry, but this romance wasn't believable to me.

I think that Shizuki's story is pretty good. I wouldn't say it's somewhere between great or bad, just slightly above good. I greatly appreciated how pragmatic he is and thought the rivalry between him and Kagemaru was perfect.

3/5 stars.

[plaindangan]

It's Emma's birthday! And she's gonna celebrate it by stripping naked and twerk in the Jack-O Pose~

Disclaimer: R18 material! If not to your liking then please do not view!

"You got that right~ It's my very own special day, and this birthday girl wants her own guests to Jack-O' to her!! Pfffftt!! Get it? Jack O'? Jack off?!!!" Emma giggled at her own pun...before shooting a glare to her audience. A tied up Iroha, Nikei, and Hajime, all down to their underwear.

"Ohhh!!!!! A-a-aah...ahahahaahaha!!! Th-that's funny!!" Iroha quickly said, wanting to avoid Emma's wrath on her special day. Especially since last time she messed up it had her own phat booty sharing in Emma's birthdays spankings.

"Hey, if it gets to the superstar throwing it back for us, I'm not complaining!!" Nikei said, shrugging his shoulders and looking very open to such extravagances.

"You know you could have just done this normally without tying us up, right?" Hajime pointed out.

"Please, as if you don't have a thing for a woman being rougher with you, dear Hajime~" Emma giggled, even more so when she saw Hajime blush and massive tent stretch against his boxers.

"Tch, sh-shut up..."

"Awww, no need to be shy!! Just relax and enjoy the show..." Emma cooed. She was already in her birthday suit from the get-go, but had now just begun to really get it started. Taking out a bottle of oil, she began lathering her body in it, especially her juicy, especially bouncy, cake. So slick, so jiggly - it was an ass that had many of people craving Emma in more 'adult videos'...but who needs videos when she's willing to do it person for those she held dear~

"Forgive me if I get a bit...cheeky, dears~" Bad pun aside, Emma made up for it in spades with her special event. Spreading her award-winning, enviable, legs apart, Emma bent downwards to the ground. Initiating a pose that had all three of her trusted friends fully captivated - and quickly becoming aroused from the sight.

"Now then...time to hit it!!" Remote in her hand she pressed unpause for a very infamous device in her corner. Large, golden and now spewing quite the bit of hypnotically engaging rap music, Emma let the beat wash over her. Let it get nice and horny and ready to shake her stuff!!!

Clap! Clapclapclap! CLAP! Clap! Clapclapclap! CLAAAP!!~

While Emma wasn't in the league of the twins or even Yoruko, she'd be lying if she said didn't practice making fine ass music back there!! Every bun crashing clap was done to the beat of the music, and, with it, engagement to her performance was guaranteed. Every ripple, every bounce, ever blur-shaking, sweaty, feast for the eyes, was carefully done to be the highlight of all her training...

And with it her performance being so well, she untied her fellow Void members to reap the 'gifts' of what her teammates had planned for her. For Iroha, she became so ravenous at such succulent meat being shoved in her face, she was the first to dive in, eating those globes out while giving herself the best fingering she had in ages. Nikei's choice was more on the grabby side, slapping and squeezing such a tease of an ass raw, until she wound up making him cum messily from twerking right on his dick. Finally, there was Hajime, who had been riled up the most from such an arrogant, yet, sexy display. Taking Emma, he bent the actress over the bed, lubed up his own cock, and gave the birthday girl her punishment by being balls deep in her ass. Thrusting and slamming his hips into hers - as if it this was a sort of match for the ages where everything was on the line.

A match that would eventually end in his victory as Emma came hard into her own sheets, becoming a giggly, deliriously horny messy as he dumped all that cream from his cock into her ass. The greatest gift he can give to such a flirty girl and teammate~

Happy Birthday Emma!

[doofnoof]

i love following you bc i'll come across some random haha funny post you've reblogged, expand the tags, and find you've written an incredibly engaging essay rant. keep it up i love it and i perceive you(affectionate)

also wtf keeyan

LMAO SORRY I AM. CONSTANTLY TALKING. I'm super glad that you enjoy it though, I often have to trim and cut parts away so that things don't end up as like, an Entire Final College Thesis, but if you enjoy it I promise to scream in your tags forever no matter what :3

Keeyan was annoying but I still laugh about it sometimes, I don't even feel particularly hostile towards him I just hope he someday grows some Taste™ and gets a partner that he mutually loves and respects or smth. In his defense he did ask me to the dance with some bottles of Mtn Dew (with puns on them) and bought me a hoodie (super comfy still wear it), so he wasn't all bad, altho I'd be lying if I didn't have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't try to swing at him for some of the things he said sometimes. Still don't know why he thought I was a Good Straight Girl Nobody Has Asked Out For Some Reason when I was that one kid in English Class sitting with the Other Gay People pointing out the gay subtext in Shakespeare and The Great Gatsby. Dear God Keeyan. We Were All Wearing Pride Pins. Keeyan I Talk Like Peppermint Patty. Keeyan.

[gay-mooshrooms]

Finale

I have to post my thoughts on the finale or I will lose my mind. Having the episode start with Anna, and having her played by Ashley was one of the best decisions in the show. The symbolism of Ellie's mother being played by the person who first brought the character to life is fantastic and I thought her performance was incredible. And then having the intro be just across the entire series, making us relive everything we've all gone through, and seeing how their relationship has progressed was such a good choice. And then, once we meet back up with Ellie and Joel, we see him, for the first time in 20 years, truly being a dad. We can assume Ellie hasn't told him everything, but he knows something is wrong because he knows her. So he tries to cheer her up, finding food she said she liked, showing her a board game he knows she'll beat him in, keeping up conversation and telling her stories, offering to teach her guitar, asking for shitty puns, and finally, opening up to her. Finally talking, really talking about Sarah, the good and the bad. And also telling her the full story of the guy who shot and missed. I cried when I realized what he meant, and when he told her, "It wasn't time that did it", and Ellie realized what that means about her. And then we see the giraffes, and Ellie looking happy again, laughing again. And Joel could not care less about finding a literal giraffe in Salt Lake City, all he cares about is that Ellie looks like her old self again, and he smiles too. And then he tries to offer an alternative, tries to save her again, and tells her that they can turn back and forget everything, but she tells him no. Because she has given so much to get here, they both have, and she doesn't want it to go to waste. But she adds, that once they're done, she'll go wherever he wants, as long as she's with him. So he agrees. And then the fireflies find them. And the first damn thing out of his mouth is "Where's Ellie?" And this is where Marlene should have known that he wasn't gonna let this surgery happen. She tells him he can't see her, that she's being prepared for surgery, and you can see the pieces fall in his brain. And he yells, he cares so much, he just wants to see her. But Marlene won't let it happen. And you can see as he's walking, he will be damned if the world takes away another one of his baby girls. So he fights, and he wins. And I am obsessed with how they shot the hospital sequence. The noise is drowned out, we see shots of his face and how calm it is, and how focused. He only had one goal, and god help any motherf*ckers who stand in his way. And then he reaches Ellie, shoots the doctor, and we know exactly what that means, and the directors know this too. Because as they leave, they focus on the dead man on the ground, as we know just what that means for their future. And Ellie wakes up, and she asks what happens. And Joel lies to her, just like all parents. do because he wants to protect her. And we all know, that deep down, she knows he's lying, but she doesn't press it, at least not yet. And we see him opening up even more about Sarah, before Ellie follows suit, and finally talks about Riley. And then she makes him swear that everything is true, and he lies again, and we can really tell that she knows it. But as he said in the second game, he would do it all over again. Because there was no way in hell, he was going to let her sacrifice herself for a cure that might not even work. And even if it did, it wouldn't have fixed the world. Sure the infected might have caused the world to spiral, but it was the people who made sure it stayed that way. They were the true evil. Whether it be the fascist FEDRA, or twisted people like David, they made sure the world stayed broken, and that wasn't something that a cure could fix. And also, Marlene said that she was sure Ellie would want them to go through with this, then why the hell wasn't she awake, why couldn't she make the choice. If you were so sure she would do what you wanted why didn't you let her. She knew that deep down, Ellie wouldn't want to die.

[jumpbootsjamstring]

I was patient.

Im remembering... even after knowing what you did. I was willing and even stated I would still talk to you. I still can't figure out why you said the thing you did.

Sloppy

Sounds silly but fuck that just regressed all progress you made in my mind. For a split second you turned back in to that horrible abusive person who first broke my heart with so much rotten behavior/cheating. It still blows my mind (no pun intended) nothing in ur mind stopped you from saying that. Gonna repeat myself but still makes no sense how u cried to me saying "Don't see anyone else or it will shatter me". Then without skipping a beat u tell me you blew this guy sloppy.

It hurt. It really hurt. It still hurts. It felt direct. Intentional.

You have to be like actually retarded because god damn Sofia what were you thinking.

Even after that... I said I would stick around. I know I was upset but I gave you time. The thing that really killed me was I thought you were shocked... overwhelmed and silent so I gave you time. But then I saw ur post... telling me to fuck off ur lawn lol. "You absolute bitch" *I still stand by that btw* you got caught cause ur dumbass cant help posting dumb shit on Tumblr. U got caught and took the time to tell me to fuck off. The one time I was upset and loosing it... you told me to fuck off. I was patient with you when you lost it ... I would stay and talk, making sure you were ok.

Some real love you had for me. You got so mad when I questioned ur love but look how fast you threw me away when you had some other guy waiting on the sidelines. You couldn't even let me talk.

I know ur probably thinking back to when I broke up with you. It was over text and I didn't want to meet with you because ur pretty face and tears would sway me to stay. I waited a week and u were silent. I blocked u for that. You might think we are even cause I know that hurt you. But at least I gave you the chance. I WOULD HAVE TALKED TO YOU AND I GAVE YOU THAT CHOICE. Ive always stood around for you but I wasn't given that luxury. You just blocked me and ran away.

I hope you find the one but u need to improve and get treated.

I suggest not lying or cheating on someone. That kinda ruins the whole relationship.

I know u have it rough. I know you loved me and I know I loved you Sofia.

But it still hurts my bad

[carbonateds-oda]

🎃🦇🦇🦇🦇 Trick or treat!!! 🎃🦇🦇🦇🦇

(it's funny cause your name is candy lol 🤭)

anyways..so in this game, we can give anything..

I give you..

the nosy anon asks you reblogged! 🤭🦇 (and some more)

[disclaimer: I edited it a bit]

[only answer the ones you want to tho!]

[feel free to vent]

[it's not me, it's the post that's being nosy]

[I added/removed some questions too tho]

*** okay let's start! 🤭🎃***

Do you smoke/drink/take drugs? (don't look at me, it was from the post TT - but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested HELP TT )

Age you get mistaken for?

Have tattoos/Want any tattoos?

Got any piercings/Want any piercings?

Best friend/close friends?

Biggest turn ons?

Biggest turn offs?

Favorite movie?

Favorite show?

Someone you miss? (honestly, I think I alr know the answer but I'm still going to ask) TT

Most traumatic experience?

A fact about your personality?

What you hate most about yourself? (I'm going to virtually dazai-slap you if you say 'everything')

What you love most about yourself?

What you want to be when you get older?

Your relationship with your sibling(s)?

Your relationship with your parent(s)?

Your idea of a perfect date?

Your biggest pet peeves?

A description of the girl/boy you like?

A description of the person you dislike the most?

Type of people you dislike? (for no particular reason, just personal bias)?

A reason you've lied to a friend?

Do you prefer white lies or harsh truth?

What you hate the most about work/school?

What makes you happy when you're at work/school?

What words upset you the most?

What words are you dying to hear from someone else?

What words make you happy when you hear them?

Are you into girls, guys, or both? 👀

What makes a person attractive to you? (/what's your ideal type)?

Where would you like to live?

One of your insecurities?

Your childhood career choice?

Your favorite ice cream flavor?

Who you wish you could be?

What's the nicest thing someone has done for you?

What's the nicest thing you've done for someone?

Where would you want to be right now?

Sexiest person that comes to your mind immediately? (back off. Oda's mine /j).

What's one phrase you say often? (can be either in English or Spanish)

How many languages can you speak? Enumerate them based on how fluent you are (ex: 1. English; 2. Japanese, etc)

Are you a math or arts girlie?

Have you ever played candy crush? (sorry that's kind of a bad pun 😅🤭)

When a friend wrongs you, do you confront them about it or silently grow distant?

would you rather initiate physical affection or have someone else suddenly give you physical affection?

What's your love language/how do you show love to your loved ones?

and last but not the least

share one random fact you want to share <3

(just make sure its not private info lol)

🎃🦇🦇🦇🦇 Happy Halloween, Candy!! 🎃🦇🦇🦇🦇

my fellow Oda simp who's quite insane and funny 🥰🤭🤭

[pls pls pls i hope i don't come across as nosy TT just answer the ones you want :") ]

🎃🦇🦇🦇🦇 Happy Halloween, again!! 🎃🦇🦇🦇🦇

<333

xoxo

Do you smoke/drink/take drugs?

-I do not do any of those :) but I’d b lying if I said I wasn’t tempted to start

Age you get mistaken for?

-I’ve nvr been mistaken for a diff age so none ig

Have tattoos/Want any tattoos?

-do not but I do plan on getting at least one sometime, prob zelda related

Got any piercings/Want any piercings?

-just my ears rn but I rlly wanna get my nose re-pierced and maybe an eyebrow one too

Favorite movie?

-shrek 2 that movie is just rlly funny in spanish and I grew up watching it a lot

Someone you miss?

-…maybe my brother. but only a rice grains worth. oh and def my cousins I haven’t seen them in a while but I’d die before admitting that out loud

Most traumatic experience?

-every first day of school Ive had ever

A fact about your personality?

-well i have the same personality type as saiki and according to multiple sources, it def checks out

What you hate most about yourself?

-I’ll just take that slap then thank you.

What you love most about yourself?

-im occasionally funny w is nice ig

What you want to be when you get older?

-hopefully a writer

Your relationship with your sibling(s)?

-oof idk anymore but we were pretty close I’d say, we have a lot of similar interests but he’s like way older so he had too much other shit going on for us to b super close

Your idea of a perfect date?

-if we manage to make each other laugh that’s an automatic win for me idrc what we do

Your biggest pet peeves?

-when ppl ask me stupid questions that they could easily answer themselves I rlly don’t like talking more than I have to

Type of people you dislike?

-anyone who knows anatomy bc I’m bitter and envious of them

Do you prefer white lies or harsh truth?

-harsh truth

What you hate the most about work/ school?

-being expected to talk to ppl

What makes you happy when you're at work/school?

-I like having structure and being told exactly what I need to do and when so that

What word's upset you the most?

-“you have to order ur own food” <\3 😔

What words are you dying to hear from someone else?

-an explanation abt sm that happened yrs ago I still have yet to hear their side of things

What words make you happy when you hear them?

-my mom told me it was cold outside and i nearly exploded from joy I’ve been waiting so long to b able to wear sweaters again

Are you into girls, guys, or both?

-both, i am bi (mysel- I’m sorry.)

What makes a person attractive to you? (/what's your ideal type)?

-just someone funny and well read. and if they have a nice voice

Where would you like to live?

-somewhere where it isn’t always hot as fuck

One of your insecurities?

-rlly living up to the pfp, I get hair on my chin w I forget to shave sometimes and it’s dark so ppl close to me can def see it w is embarrassing

Your childhood career choice?

-artist

Your favorite ice cream flavor?

-vanilla, but specifically the blue bell one

What's the nicest thing someone has done for you?

-my six yr old cousin threatened to call the police on my mom cuz she thought she was hitting me and then used herself as a shield to “protect” me😭

What's the nicest thing you've done for someone?

-just lending an ear to sm who rlly needed it ig

Where would you want to be right now?

-can’t believe I’m saying this but school, I can’t function w out the constant over looming threat of deadlines, they keep me in check

Sexiest person that comes to your mind immediately? (back off. Oda's mine /j).

-^ I’m gonna have to ask u to step tf away from my wife please. ok but fr no one rlly comes to mind rn

What's one phrase you say often?

-“no thanks” and man does my fam hate it

How many languages can you speak?

-two, English and Spanish

Are you a math or arts girlie?

-ARTS. I fucking hate math sm

Have you ever played candy crush? (it’s ok lol)

-a few times, on my moms phone though cuz ofc that lady was obsessed w it

When a friend wrongs you, do you confront them about it or silently grow distant?

-silently grow distant I need to fix that fr

would you rather initiate physical affection or have someone else suddenly give you physical affection?

-neither tbh

What's your love language/how do you show love to your loved ones?

-acts of service ig

share one random fact you want to share <3

-my fav soda is Pepsi (idk there’s like three bottles rt in front of me and I can’t think of anything else)

ty for the trick or treat asks 🫶

and Happy Halloween to you too 🎃🍬

[spacebrick3]

DOING THE LIMBO

Five minutes ago, Isabel Keel died, driven off the road by visions of the closed gates of heaven. Doors that vanished fifty years ago, without even an “Out of Order” sign—but the old rules still applied. Those judged to be virtuous could not fall to Hell, so Purgatory filled up instead. 

A liminal space never meant for the souls of the departed, but now bursting at the seams. Until one day, when a particularly clever angel (or demon; nobody really knows) suggested an idea: he Trials of Purgatory, in which the dead are pitted against one another in fights to the [second] death. They are told that, if they win, they will at last be admitted to Heaven, but in truth, there are only two outcomes. To kill someone is to be sent straight to Hell; to die is to enter oblivion and be lost forever. 

And now Isabel is the only one who can see Heaven. The only one with a chance to reopen the gates, to reset the balances of the celestial spheres. She joins with a motley crew who’ve carved out their own niche, flying under the radar until they find themselves escorting what could be the last and final prophet across the wasteland of Purgatory.

(character list below cut):

Characters:

Isabel ‘Izzy’ Keel (”Prophet”): Our protagonist, Izzy Keel, recieving prophetic visions from heaven. As perhaps befits a prophet, she tends to keep talking even when she really shouldn’t. A [former] tour guide and intern newscaster. Can be summed up in the John Mulaney quote: “you know those days where you’re like, this may as well happen?” 

Anselm Levy (”Capone”): Genial—the most friendly/personable, especially towards Izzy, of the lot. A little weird when he maintains that cheery, irreverent personality while actually banishing people to utter oblivion. Part of the mafia, but only to feed his family / not involved in any of the actual deeds, and just good enough to scrape by into purgatory. 1930s style of dress (vest + tie + jacket).. Basically no fear, because hey! he’s already died, and what’s the worst that can happen now? (Inocente/Snow will tell you the worst, but don’t listen to them)

Zoe Hopewell (”Snow”): Terse/no-nonsense. Cares too much and too little, all at the same time. Carries around a fully loaded, absolutely terrifying handmade tranquilizer gun.  Nobody’s sure when she sleeps, or even if she does, and if you ask she’ll give you a vague answer somewhere between “I’ll sleep when I’m dead. / You are dead. / …” and “who knows if you even need to sleep in Purgatory.” She and Capone are the ones who started the crew.

Cyril Valdes (”Inocente”): A former priest. The sort of person you’d expect to talk to in a confessional. Anyone can talk to them, and you find yourself saying a lot more than you probably should. Very likely the only person holding the group together, and one who can save them from celestial-law scraps. A little nihilistic, a little burnt-out by the prospect of religion, but still holding out hope. A musician, and comfort after things go wrong.

Francis Raikich (”Wilbur”): A former public defender, who is the cautious optimist. Seen enough “bad” people and enough “good “ people to know that you can’t tell who’s going to be what from the start. Along with Inocente, he’s the first to advocate for Izzy. Can talk his way in circles around some of the angels and demons, especially the more literalist of those—but he’s also very cautious and soft-spoken, and when threatened will freeze up rather than fight/run.

Xavier Sparks (”Orville”): Computer programmer/troubleshooter. More high-strung than Wilbur, who reacts to everything—fairly understandably—with the thought of “how is this going to screw us all over.” Very good at being logical, at working through what people should be doing and what will happen if they do, but misses out a bit on a) emotional reactions, and b) tact. 

@ravenpuffwriter, you said you were interested, and @ratracechronicler your Railroaders/Moonshiners inspired most of the crew, so this seems like something you might be interested in!

(song lyrics at the top are “Deadmen” by Saint Phnx)

[rviner]

"They are when you make them!" Bella responds easily, laughter lingering over her as she sniffs in amusement. Her smile becomes warm when Felix's hand lifts to her face, wiping away the tear from her cheek even if it starts her chuckles all over again. "But terrible puns are great puns. They're my favorite oxymoron." she utters, grinning to him with a twinkle of admiration in her gaze. Bella can see when Felix's expression shifts to a more sincere one, urging her to do the same.

A small frown tugs over her mouth as he answers her, and she nods faintly. It's never an easy topic to visit, or even to think about but she would be lying if she ever said it wasn't constantly on her mind. "It's not a bad thing to be skeptical." Bella finally says with a supportive tone, fingers combing back his hair gently. "But, I would agree with Finn on this one. There's no definitive way of knowing." and she knows in part, that must irk at Felix more. "It only matters how you feel, though." she adds gently, and now her hand is at the side of his face as her thumb brushes over his cheek.

When Felix's humor returns, Bella tsks playfully at him and her eyes roll while she laughs. "I'm not an existentialist." she comments and grins. "Or a nihilist." she adds, pointing a finger in warning for an age old debate between them. "I think there's truth in all philosophy because we decide what's true to us." Bella concludes with a content and proud nod of her head. Once again, Felix can bring a soft smile to her expression and she nods easily to his request, her eyes meeting his with a sincere glance. "I promise. Thank you for always thinking of that." she appreciates it more than he probably knows.

He keeps the grin on her face as he peppers gentle affection over her knuckles, bringing out a chuckle from her. No matter the time of day, or night, there's always a peacefulness that Bella feels with Felix. A simple moment of them sitting together, now huddled on the bench, can easily become a memory she cherishes. Felix's last comment brings out a louder laugh from her, and Bella shifts slightly to peer up at him with a wide smile. "Okay, Kafka." she teases gently, but leans so she can press a loving and soft kiss to his lips. "You're welcome any time. I prefer it when you're there with me, too."

END.

"Okay, point made." Felix commented to Bella's tease about Anna, a quick grin moving over his lips. It remained there as his Belcourt witch descended into laughter, even if he forced a serious expression as she flopped to him, arm there to steady her in second nature. He fought with his own laughter, conjuring a playfully disapproving tsk. "Puns are never that funny." he sighed, but a chuckle finally escaped him without any control as Bella wiped away a tear. "You're crying?" Felix teased, reaching a hand to her face to wipe at the other cheek. "See, that's how terrible puns are. Your body knows it deep down, Isabella." he watched her with a soft smile as she composed herself, and then his own expression relaxed as she answered him.

It was easy for Felix to go quiet whenever Bella talked, a deep respect for her intelligence, gaze scanning over her features as she talked. He nodded subtly, and then a slight shrug lifted his shoulder. "I er...it was a conversation with Finn. About witches who were turned. His take was similar to yours. And I was...me. Skeptical." he told her truthfully. A slight grin moved over Felix's lips as Bella said about suffering, and he shot her a playful look. "So now you've moved from Nietzsche to Sartre. Love that we're still in the realm of Existentialism." he teased her dryly, despite agreeing. Felix admired Bella for a whole manner for reasons, and her desire to extend help to others was just one of them. "Just promise if I put you in situations that call for it, you're always going to be honest if you want to or not?" he suggested, eager for a compromise.

As her hands gently caressed his face while she relayed his love language, Felix was stifling a small chuckle, purposely taking hold of her hands to kiss over her knuckles. "I don't think it's that." he quipped, offering her a grin. At first, Felix didn't shift when Bella moved closer to him, only glancing down to her resting against his arm until he eventually moved it. He wrapped it around her to pull her closer against him, having to lean to nudge his chin to her forehead with a gentle affection. "That's a poetic metaphor but I think sleep deprivation is more to do with it." he commented with a small chuckle, settling again to look through the park as she squeezed his arm. Her words touched him, causing a slow grin over his lips but Felix shook his head. "No, I prefer it where you are. It seems a lot brighter there."

[skeleboiii84]

Can we see S/O going out with friends to a Halloween party but comes back to a very horny UT Sans? :3

My oh my! You most certainly can darling!!💙

Haveta admit kinda obsessed with this man myself👀👀

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Making sweet love to you~💙🦇

(A classic sans X reader) ⚠️smut⚠️

You had been out with your friends for about a good few hours now, you were having the time of your life bouncing around the dancefloor with your friends sent electric waves through your body.

You had asked sans your boyfriend if he wanted to come with you but he refused because parties aren't particularly his thing. You were a lil sad about it but it wasn't long until you were enjoying yourself. Your friend X-zeavir was finished with the night and decided to head out you decided it was probably time for you to go too.

You and X-zeavir were joking around the whole way home about how obnoxiously loud your friend Sofie was when she drank. "Hahaha! Yeah it's like you have enough energy dude you don't need more-" X-zeavir threw their hands in the air.

It wasn't long til you reached your apartment block you waved X goodbye and started walking up the stairs to get to your apartment. You wore a pumpkin 'costume' it was really just an orange jumper and skirt you saw lying around in an old box. Nothing too bad, though the skirt pushed up a few times because it was a little small walking up the stairs made it rise up your thigh even more.

Sans was laying in your bed, you noticed he was eyeing you so you decided to catch him out on it. "See somethin ya like handsome? " you teased with a wink as he chuckled.

You turned around to find him behind you almost...panting? His hands were gripping your hips, "yeah actually I do see something I like" his thumb rubbed over your hip to the plush of your exposed thigh. You gasped as he leaned against you to kiss your neck. "What's gotten into you? " you said a lil more eagerly than you'd planned.

He just bit your neck making a soft moan part from your lips, he then mumbled something along the lines of "missed you" and "you were gone so long", he then pressed his teeth to your lips as you made out with your arms thrown over his shoulders and his hand pushing up your skirt slightly.

He then moved you so your back was facing him and you were facing the wall. He rubbed over your clothed womanhood before stripping you of your skirt and panties entirely. "S-sans what're y-you doing? " you squirmed in his touch.

"Making sweet love to you~" he then slid his throbbing member through your folds and bucked into your warmth. You moaned his name passionately, "happy Halloboner! " he snrked.

"Oh my god. " you immediately got turned off by his awful pun.

"What??" He started belting out in laughter.

"You know what!? Sort yourself out bonehead!! I'm sleeping on the couch" you rolled your eyes and left.

Through sans' crying tears of laughter he was able to make up a "noooooo... Babeeeee come backkkkkk...." He wheezed and it just made you laugh. "No!! You lost your pussy privileges I'm taking them away!! " you laughed and pointed at him. "Nooooooooo! " he wheezed gripping his sides.

Needless to say you ended up doing it only sans had to promise you that you were top that night due to his awful start to the night and oh boy it was one hell of a night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here you are darling enjoy!! 💙😊

[sweetobsessive]

May I request a few headcanons for Gorou, Itto, and the Archons with an impostor au! darling who has no memories of their life as a god and very strong morals? Once the truth comes out, the entire population is expecting a divine beatdown, but to everyone's shock, not a singular person is harmed. All they get is a middle finger and one or two kicks in the balls because that's what they deem appropriate with their human mindset.

Darling views the world strongly - they would be no better than those who attacked them if they did something just as bad - or worse - back to them, right? ...And they'd be lying if they said they didn't have a soft spot for some of the characters - who would be able to stomach hurting someone you'd spent so much time with? (Stockholm syndrome?)

As for Gorou, he looks so much like a... if you'll excuse the pun, kicked puppy. He'll constantly beg for Darling's love back - they built him so quickly after getting him! And then he threw it away, ordering the Sangonomiya troops to hunt down the Imposter. He'll constantly beg for Darling's attention, and they can't help but hug him tightly when he immediately repents. ...And maybe they take advantage to touch his ears. He flinches, but lets you do whatever you want. He's probably expecting some sort of punishment from you - he betrayed your trust, after all! But nope, you'll just ask for his presence everyday as you do your new godly duties. He'll probably relax eventually.

Itto's in a constant state of guilt, trying to cover it up with his normal exuberance. He just keeps the Arataki Gang going, recovering resources while Teyvat's in chaos and confusion. The Gang themselves probably notice, and end up asking the Traveler a favor to bring you to their base - they are pretty observant, and seeing Itto mope like that is uncharacteristic - so much that they're genuinely concerned at that point. The Traveler's hesitant, but you interrupt them, asking if they would. Traveler probably does end up coming with you - for protection. Itto ends up glomping you in a hug (that you're probably suffocating in) and promising over and over that he's never going to do anything remotely awful to you ever again. He wasn't a large part of the hunt - after all, his redemption of the Blue Oni shows that he's willing to see both sides of the story, especially with his reputation as a 'bad guy' in some parts of Inazuma. But he didn't help matters, probably stepping out of the way and focusing on the gang instead of you, being beat up literally in front of his eyes. He expects some form of retribution, but instead you hug him back, flicking him on the forehead with a poorly feigned scowl.

"You want punishment? Fine." And he blinks because wow you're really a god after all - only someone so divine could be so merciful. He probably bounces back pretty quickly - he's Arataki Itto after all! And if he's a little more protective of you after, no one says anything.

Zhongli gets a kick in the shin. (I'm sorry Zhongli's always the one who's the most ruthless next to Ei and I like Ei more) He flinches, going from a standing position to a kneeling position, carefully cradling his leg. You scowl down at him, before turning to one of your guards.

"He was the one who almost got me with a spear, right?" The guard nods, and you turn back to him.

"That's payback, bitch." And you turn and leave with nary another look at him. He's almost bewildered, even with his leg throbbing. (Seriously shin kicks hurt it's so unfair) He tries to call out to you, but your guard advances until you're out of sight, blocking him from reaching you.

Slowly, he learns that you never bestowed any punishment any more severe than the one you'd given to him. He weeps tears of bitterness, knowing that you'd been extremely merciful. The Imposter would've declared death to them and all the branches of their family - would've made their anger and rage and sorrow known. Hell, even the Archons - himself included - would've not let it go. And yet you'd only given him a brief moment of pain and left. You really were the Divine Being, weren't you. He probably ends up leaving you alone, regretting everything he did. He'll end up staying as still as the stone he commands, sitting on a chair in a room, reflecting. Until he can be sure he's changed enough that you'll accept him back as part of your Inner Court, he won't move. Not until he can guarantee it. He needs your forgiveness, and it will break him if you deny him it.

Venti's openly sobbing into your clothing. It's strange, isn't it? Just a few months ago, his eyes were cold and frozen, bow string pulled back to deliver a killing blow without mercy. The abrupt personality shift probably throws you off, and you end up just poking him in the forehead, just scolding him a little bit. He's end up sniffling, looking up to you with wide eyes.

"You... forgive me?"

And you'll end up taking pity on him - he's kinda emotionally unstable, isn't he? He'll end up much like Gorou, just a little less composed. He'll follow you around all the time, as you attend to your duties. He'll probably distract you from a couple of them, as he begs for your attention. Gorou might snap at him to let you do what you need to do, and he'll end up getting annoyed back, both of them vying for your attention. You end up leaving them behind as you happily chat to townspeople, neither really noticing as they're too caught up in their argument.

Ei's resorted to her stone-cold demeanor to try and ward off the guilt. She retreats to the Plane of Euthymia, trying to meditate and leave the world behind just like she did when her sister died. She's only alerted to your presence when Yae brings you in - for all your power, only Yae has the key to her 'home'. The only one she trusts. And you come in, taking her into your arms, before pinching her once.

"That's what you get for being so mean."

She's almost stunned, before you pull her back into a hug tighter, and hold her close.

"I'm sorry."

Is all she can get out, almost stiff in your arms for fear of hurting you again.

"I know you are." There's no victory, no gloating in your voice. Only quiet acceptance. In your eyes, there's only forgiveness for her.

She'll run herself ragged afterwards, still not believing herself worthy of your forgiveness. She'll order the guard to eradicate the criminals wherever you make plans to go, before personally accompanying you there. She'll wait on you hand and foot, lowering herself before you in front of everyone. She'll be more reflective, making sure to review judgement on those accused of crimes, getting second opinions from her trusted general before reviewing their cases. She'll make sure Yae approves of the actions she's taking in the eyes of Inazuma - no longer will a Vision Hunt happen.

And you'll watch approvingly, and she'll end the days sinking into your arms, tired.

...Can you tell I like Ei the most? Basically, you tell Ei, Venti, Itto, and Gorou you forgive them - outright. So they know you personally forgive them. But Zhongli's probably a more ruthless god - he's a war-honed god. Ei has an excuse - it was actually the Raiden Shogun issuing those decrees. It's canon that she didn't know what the Raiden Shogun was doing at all - there were no reports on any of the puppet's movements. So maybe Ei feels guilty she didn't come out sooner, but she was still not personally responsible. There. Ei gets an excuse, Zhongli doesn't. Anyways, he doesn't get immediately forgiven, and he decides to uh....

mope.