#when i cannot accept myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

darlenehysteria · 1 year

Text

me having my one social interaction a week and spending the next week overthinking and overanalysing it and the other persons perception of me

the other person having that one social interaction amongst many during their week and moving on like a normal person

#this format makes no sense but idc #isolated breeds anxiety but i think im in too deep atp #social anxiety #anxiety #overthinking #overanalysis #mental health #mental illness #social interaction #social anxiety disorder #anxiety disorder #and yet i yearn for social interaction and acceptance #when i cannot accept myself #and refuse to let others see me #life is fucked up man #im not even 20 #which means theres time to change ig #anywayyyyyyyyy this is tumblr lmao #my post

0 notes

notabuddhist · 2 months

Text

good morning from my room in my rents' house where i relocated to after 11pm with the help of my sister because i absolutely flipped my shit when i heard something scurrying across the floor of my room last night.

#around 10pm i freaked out because something tried to get under the bathroom door and then disappeared when i yelled in suprise #it looked like a big beetle or roach but i didn't see it long enough to know either way #spent an hour stressed af sitting on my bed because the floor was lava #i think partly because i was nervous about being jumpscared by whatever this was #eventually managed to sort out the lights and the bathroom and decided to go to sleep #and i think i could have dealt with the knowledge that this thing was somewhere in the apartment if i couldn't HEAR IT #suddenly #loudly #in the room #immediately panicked #could not have prevented that reaction in myself #definitely couldn't bring myself down #jammed my fingers in my ears so i couldn't hear it anymore and had to wait for my sister to come and get me #except of course i couldn't get up to open the door so she had to get the spare from my aunt #i'm certain my yelling/screaming scared whatever it was because it wasn't in the room by the time anyone got there #it was not dignified in any way and today i'm going to have to go back to my place #and try to work out how it got in #and try to block every fucking space there is between skirting and floor board #which is basically the entire flat #bugs can exist and i will not be happy about it but i can accept it #but they CANNOT be loud enough that you can HEAR THEM SCURRY #idk what it was!#i thought it was a big roach #i have never seen one in the houses here before #deeply deeply unhappy

16 notes · View notes

everythingundertheskycomics · 4 months

Text

Panacea ❤️

Hippo Crush

1/4

Previous | Following

13 notes · View notes

actualaster · 2 years

Text

I think some people genuinely don't grasp the concept of "sensory issues" when it comes to things like food.

A food sensory issue is not "I don't want to eat that because it isn't my preferred flavor"

A food sensory issue is "something about the taste/texture/smell of this is incompatible with my brain and it makes me gag and if you try to force that into me I will choke on it and/or throw up"

A food sensory issue is "something set me off and now I can't eat for hours because I feel sick to my stomach and there isn't a way to fix that especially if the sensory trigger is lingering like a smell"

A food sensory issue is "you might as well have asked me to eat a bowl full of rocks because this is about as edible to me, no matter how much I wish that weren't the case"

A food sensory issue is "I haven't eaten anything decent in 3 days because I haven't had a chance to go to the store and I don't have anything left I'm physically capable of eating"

A food sensory issue is "I'm super fucking hungry but I took one bite and no matter how hard I tried to eat it I automatically gagged it back out because my body completely rejects it because of the taste/texture/smell"

A food sensory issue is "struggling to maintain a passable diet so you don't have a bunch of deficiencies because what you can eat is restricted"

Quite frankly, food sensory issues should really be treated similarly to food allergies in that you cannot safely try to trick or force a person to eat them.

#sensory issues #autism #legit when something sets mine off it 100% shuts down my ability to eat no matter how hungry i am #it makes me feel sick to my stomach if i don't immediately remove the trigger (or myself if its a smell)#there's plenty of stuff that i dont really *like* but i *can* eat in a pinch i just opt not to if avoidable #but there's other things that if the choice was between eating them or starving to death there's #a real high chance I'd just die because i physically cannot force my body to accept them as food #some things have gotten better over the years and i can either manage to eat them or at least the smell doesn't prevent me eating #but there are others that i simply cannot handle and the mere thought of eating them makes me feel sick #ableism #(bc dismissing them is a form of ablemism)

345 notes · View notes

thesaltyace · 5 months

Text

Anytime my partner is away overnight, I rediscover that ADHD is, in fact, a whole-ass disability.

#adhd #when my partner is here I mostly base my day off their predictable schedule #like they must take lunch at a certain time so I plan my day around their lunchtime and I have goals to meet by that time and after it too #unfortunately my brain only accepts external structure and is not easily tricked #so I cannot just tell myself '12:30pm is when you take a break for lunch' and actually follow it #my brain's like 'that's a made-up rule with zero real world consequences so guess what? no lunchtime ever.'#which is obviously Bad™️because I do need to eat and I do need to take a break #so I've scheduled stuff to happen midday that will force me to get up and hopefully while I'm up I'll think hey maybe I should eat somethin #🤞

5 notes · View notes

ovkl · 6 months

Text

Full stop I think if you go out of your way to by definition gaslight and beat around the bush with someone you know is low functioning in the skull and has been very forthcoming about being a system with no information despite being asked again and again about strange treatment while you're this old then you should dropbox your will and kick the chair because clearly theres no fixing that one.

#Mine #I'll delete this later I'm just beyond amazed.#I've worked really hard to bridge the gaps but I cannot do everything by myself and I feel really fucking guilty about that.#But I don't think anybody can. It's not how this works and in accepting that it just has to be respected.#And understood when I say I'm not above holding people I share a space with accountable. But I cannot fucking do that if I never know.

6 notes · View notes

clfixationstation · 8 months

Text

great, just found out my constant efforts to combat my ADHD are not working and I'm still accidentally hurting the people I care about. I hate it here. I just don't want to hurt people why is that so hard...

I thought I was doing such a good job, I'm constantly trying to make sure I'm responding to people adequately because I've been yelled at so much over it and I really want to make people feel valued and make sure they know I'm giving them my attention. I work so hard to not interrupt others during conversation, I try so hard to maintain attention to conversations, I try so hard to pay attention to my surroundings so that I don't ignore friends, I try so hard to push past rejection sensitivity so that I can help people - but apparently it's all useless

I guess I'd rather know. I'll still keep trying. It just really hurts

13 notes · View notes

teethbomb · 2 months

Text

mob psycho(logical horror) 100

#Chatterbomb #There are some terrifying concepts in there they should be stretched more #That comic reminded me of junji itos The Long Dream #I’ll have to do a rewatch and write some stuff down #The mental prison stuff? Terrifying 10/10 #Shigeo in fabricated world for six months is terrifying but I feel like being trapped in a static environment that only gets longer even #Though real world time has barely passed and you are all alone and you can’t escape and you can’t change the environment besides clawing at #The walls #day and night don’t pass with the sun and moon but your body is aging anyway #Nothing changes and you are running out of resources.#How long until you accept no one will come and save you? How much are you willing to starve while waiting for someone who left?#What if the world that trapped you won’t let you die? Starving for centuries without a sign of life #Thinking at some point you must have escaped. Or was it a dream within a dream? Can that happen? How many times have you fallen asleep?#How many dreams deep are you already in?#WHAT IF HE STARTED ROTTING #what if he was living in his own dead body!!!!! Would that be fucked up or what!!!!!#Something about reigen sparks a desire to see him experience pain disconnected with reality #The dreams in train hell are only getting longer. None of them are peaceful. He can’t tell if his hair is greying from aging or how much th #Dreams take a toll on him. How much time has really passed? Can he even rely on how his body is changing? Is it truly time who is #Responsible? Or is it him? Or the train itself?#What if all they found of him was a dryed up body with a beating heart and pulsating brain. Laying limp and clothing scattered #If I really indulge myself the scratched out days. When looked at from farther away. Still marking the potential days reads #Abandon all hope #ye who enter here #Which yeah that’s stretching into being ridiculous but it would be cool TO ME #Dante’s inferno you are so silly and special to me #I got really autistic here but <3 big fan of horror huge fan of suffering <333 #ALSO!! taking inspiration from “heck” short film but the days might be counted by “sleeps” as time cannot accurately be measured in a place #That defies universal law #Ok I think I’m done now ok I’m normal probably

5 notes · View notes

zoekrystall · 1 year

Text

Hate how I didn't even think until now abt how zelda was alone as a dragon for so many years until the present. I wonder way too much abt how everything was for her and esp now as a dragon like mineru did say you lose yourself completely iirc but reg the tears shed do I believe it's not fully true. Maybe depends how strong your spirit is. Like yeah she can't really communicate well anymore but she recognizes us and her eyes. Her eyes I still can't get over them they're so full of emotion that's absolutely her eyes. Like. You're still inside that dragon when you become one if you try your best to remember is what I think (or want to believe). It's 5am I am not going to try to explain my already barely coherent thoughts better. Too much possibilities where I think some border on denial. I am a fluff not angst person. Anyways I wonder how long all those years felt what do you do as a dragon did the sages try talking to her dragon form or like anything-

#totk spoilers #rent free in my brain huh #I almost play 24h without pause hylia help me #(well minus for like. necessities like food)#still need to beat the story #I cannot believe I seriously considered her going through time or smth smth time power shenanigans #I completely forgot the sword needs a lot of time to get power. rip me.#I am not a fan of angst I like fluff stuff why is my brain just absolutely occupied with dragon zelda #mmmmaybe bc I suprisingly quick accepted it already. at least I can paraglide next to her and all #also maybe I forgot a lot that I read and know abt the timeline bc I think I wreck my head too much abt that too #I got the hyrule historia but like. how does botw tie in again. I think abt it too much it's just for fun damm it #I say since hours only this then bed and now it's 5am #I am awake since 7 and play since what 8? 9?#Absolutely insane how loz got me in a chokehold again but I lately don't even touch pokemas for daily missions #Obv in the back of my mind 24/7 but I feel so odd when pkmn in literally any regard isn't the thing that gets constantly #shaken around in my head with little focus for anything else #In other news I would die for penn and tauro is also neat wanna snatch his hairstyle #also zonai are one of the prettiest races ever. would love to be one or some of the zora ones #anyways all I got is 'I wonder if'#I like. barely talk abt such things it's such a new refreshing thing and I'm sorry I talk mostly for myself #(such things being speculations hc whatever I mostly just kept to myself bc my ex bff just did not care. yay.)#(so fuck if I know much abt fleshing out n all)#a wild lux appears

26 notes · View notes

angelstrawbabie420 · 2 months

Text

hmm i think i am not coping. very well

#i feel like ive hit a wall in my ability to handle anything and idk how to hold myself together anymore #i see myself spiraling terribly but i am so exhausted in every single way that i cannot bring myself to care #and it’s going to kill me one day but i cant even care abt that #july was so horrible. so so bad it’s the worst month ive had since my dad’s passing #i feel so incredibly empty and stagnant and stuck i feel like i am in a tar pit and ive been here before #but i no longer have the strength to claw myself out of it #nor the support of others (irl i love u mutuals)#i quite literally only have my brother at this point and with how physically abusive he can become it’s not like that’s a relationship i #truly feel supported and safe in but it’s all i have #ive always been isolated severely by my family + the Issues have always made socialization so exhausting #i feel like im just floating and no one knows me nor cares bc how can they. i either just push people away to avoid getting hurt or i dont e #even try. and when i want to it’s a task so daunting and draining #i don’t have it in me despite knowing the lack of human connection is absolutely destroying me and ripping me to shreds #despite knowing a community of some kind would help #but i also feel like i offer fucking nothing and am worthless so would i even accept the help given to me. probably not #i wish i wasnt so intense of a person in every single way. and yet i will never be enough either #i feel like ive been clinging and digging my claws into my sanity that was not really present in the first place #ive been put through so much i couldnt cope with so repeatedly and so young i think by the time i wqs 10 i had already hit a wall but you #cant just stop living so it’s only compounded on top of that #it feels unhealable it feels like just part of me now.#i see a complete absence of a future for myself and i have no one to stay alive for anymore #not my parents not my pets not my friends and i dont know how to stay alive for myself bc it’s not something ive ever wanted #idk anymore. ive never felt so utterly lost and alone and broken lmao.#no wonder this relapse has been so all-consuming #dlt ltr

3 notes · View notes

loyalhorror · 7 months

Text

It's so damn difficult to accept that some things are beyond my control and that even if I made a mistake, if I wasn't given the chance to be made aware of and fix that mistake, then there's no point in me self-flagellating over it. If something about me, or my friendship, wasn't good enough for someone else or it was somehow actively harmful to them despite my best attempts to be supportive and considerate of their needs and to communicate, and I wasn't given the opportunity to rectify that, then there's no damn point in me beating myself up over it.

It feels, of course, like if I just figure out exactly what I did wrong then I can somehow fix it - but I can't. I have to make my peace with that.

#rat.exe #Sighing as I repeat this to myself for the billionth time over the past month.#I can speculate forever on what happened. I can guess and wonder and draw conclusions. But I'm never going to know what really happened.#I have to learn to accept that.#You cannot read minds and you cannot predict what is going on in someone else's head unless they explicitly tell you.#And sometimes even when they tell you they will not tell you clearly!#Sometimes they will talk Around something instead of just saying it directly. And I think that's what happened here.#Whatever I was being told I didn't understand it and I still don't.#negative tw

4 notes · View notes

pepprs · 11 months

Text

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

#purrs #longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing #and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how #deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is #to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is #being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten #alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can #one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the #most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably #i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this #delete later #i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting #people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself #and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i #feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental #illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt #feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant #i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that #and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending

18 notes · View notes

snailcubezz · 1 year

Text

hrmm considering upping my prices for any fullbody art wayyyyyy way up bc of how hard they r for me to finish especially with characters im unfamiliar w/ drawing (aka most comms)

#🐠.txt #i keep!!! fucking myself over by accepting fullbody comms bc they usually offer over $50 which is a already big amount to me #and i need the cash n all but then i am staring at my canvas for hours trying not to have a meltdown bc i cannot get myself to Just Draw It #and like $50 felt like proper pricing at the time but i really gotta factor in my weird brain shit n disabilities when pricing for My effort

8 notes · View notes

good-wine-and-cheese · 7 months

Text

I think I just need to accept that when I write a story it is, at minimum, going to be like 40 or 50k

#writing things #don't get me wrong I love it I do but also when my hands are tied with one fic I cannot work on others!!! and cannot draw!!! or make amvs!!#like I can but then I have to pause my writing. which is super hard if I'm mid-chapter. gotta go in chapter bursts then do other stuff #I do adore writing longass fics because for me it's just very hard to NOT delve into interesting narrative threads even if its not the #main point of the story. its just like OOH interesting thing to put in there. yes!!!!#however. it takes a million years as a result lol #I only agonize over it because I will convince myself 'this fic will be a nice and tidy 10k' and its like girl you are lying just accept it #I should assume 40k at default and that way when I get a 10k fic or somth I will be happily surprised

5 notes · View notes

gattmammon · 8 months

Text

So the molecule change is going badly

#i know this is the worst moment because im taking halved dosage of both meds #so my serotonin receptors are like. what exactly are we doing. and im hurting all over which is a sympthom of duloxetina withdrawal for me.#but fuck i had NOT realized how much the drug contributed to keeping my will to live up throughout the day #its kind of disappointing #this feels like way back in the days when i was just rawdogging life and its. uuuuh no good #both my general doctor and my job gave me shit about how many times ive been missing work #and like. i cannot say anything beyond im sorry #because depression is so hard to explain. people dont accept 'i just could not bring myself to be a human today' as a valid excuse #like literally i kept thinking. j need to do this and that. but my body was like. nah #and like this job is my pride and joy. i had a spotless fucking record. im so sad and angry at myself #i just hope that when i start taking full dosage of the new meds things will smooth themselves over

5 notes · View notes

akechi-if-he-slayed · 1 year

Text

i finished hsmtmts. no notes i literally cried at the last episode this season was like actually the best i think.

#like i used to be a certified rina anti but i have CHANGED my ways #they were so in love and soulmates i wanted to CRY.#but s4 has what i call gotg 3 + spiderman nwh syndrome where it’s undeniably an incredible work but i cannot bring myself to watch it again #because i’ll start sobbing every time #like i can watch gotg 1 and spiderman homecoming and hsmtmts s1 over and over again no problem because they’re silly and fun!#but not s4. oh god.#i knew caswen wasn’t gonna be canon but they handled ej’s storyline so well i wanted to sob #he deserved it after the shitshow he dealt with in s3 #also when he kept saying there’s so much he would’ve done different??? GIVE EJ CASWELL MORE HUGS #him and ricky’s bond was amazing as well #also. he was the first one ricky told him that he loved after he decided to start telling the people in his life he loved them. do with that #what you will.#BUT AHHHHH #this season made me love gina a lot more #it girl fr #SHE DESERVES IT ALL!!!#ngl i was scared she was gonna turn down the movie to stay with ricky but im so glad she just convinced them to film in salt lake instead #also ricky. love. what are we doing with a 1.0 in SENIOR YEAR.#his ass better be so glad he got a college acceptance #also KOURTNEY. her story #I LOVE HER #she is actually kind of me coded ngl #also the themes and messages this season in general???#felt like a deep personal attack as someone started their upperclassman high school years #also it was just very sad because like i kinda grew up with this show yk?#i remember watching it on my dad’s old desktop in seventh grade with my brother’s friend’s disney plus #sobbing #now look who is gonna be an 11th grader!#ive changed and grown so much since then and these characters have too #it was an honor to grow up with them

12 notes · View notes