#when do i even have the time to go to disability services. and i've heard a lot of schools' processes w/that are slow and overcomplicated

[fridayyy-13th]

wow. not even a week into college and i'm already behind on work. fucking lovely.

[i-still-mask-because]

in the wake of all this new information during COVID, do you feel that maybe we should all just be masking all the time, COVID of no COVID? I mean it can't be the only airborne disease out there and immunocompromised ppl have always and will always exist so like. Following that thinking even if we don't have COVID we could still be risking other people's health (and lives) with other diseases we may have right? Idk I'm stressing a lot about this do I just need to wear a mask outside forever cos. Masks mess with my breathing and sensory issues and stuff but. I don't wanna?? Kill people by accident??? Aaaaa

Hello, thanks for reaching out about this.

I saw this ask about a month ago, and I needed time to think about how I'd respond to it (so I want to thank you for the patience!).

I'll try to answer all of this to the best of my ability, and I thought I'd answer this by going backwards (responding to the last things you said and then moving up with responding to the first things you said).

Everything is below the cut because this is very long!

First I'll try to summarize what I think you're asking here:

"Vulnerable people exist in this world all around me, therefore does this mean I'm constantly posing a threat to those vulnerable people's safety when I don't mask? The thought of this brings me feelings of stress, fear, and anxiety."

I find this is hard to answer candidly without risking stressing out you or anyone else who's aware of the consequences of their choice not to mask. Nonetheless, my honest answer is: yes, choosing not to mask means risking the lives and safety of vulnerable people, i.e. the disabled, immunocompromised, elderly, children & babies, and those that intersect those groups. That risk can take place directly (such as interacting with an immunocompromised elder) or indirectly (such as interacting with the parent of a disabled child).

I also want to add that it's not only those groups that need protecting. I firmly believe that regardless of your age and/or whether or not you self-identify as disabled or immunocompromised that everyone is at risk of the long-term consequences of this rapidly mutating, vascular, and immunosuppressive virus. No one is invincible to this, and I'll add: not even if you're vaccinated (still get vaccinated if you can, but know that you can still catch covid & develop long covid regardless of your vaccination status).

1. "Masks mess with my breathing and sensory issues."

I understand how that can be difficult to deal with, trust me. There are specific masks (such as most standard KN95s) that irritate the hell out of my face after a certain point. The way those specific masks brush against the hairs of my cheeks just make me want to rip the mask off my face completely. Finding alternatives has been a lifesaver, and they've allowed me to get through the day without wanting to maul someone lol. I don't know what masks you have tried out already, so I'll just recommend the one's I like as well as the one's I've heard good reviews on from people that also have sensory issues:

NIOSH 3m Aura N95 Respirators

Flo Mask

GATA Mask (Haven't tried this one yet, but I've heard a LOT of people say this has been a game changer for them because of how comfortable it is & how it doesn't trigger much sensory issues at all due to its silicone material. Probably the only con I've heard is the chance of the build up of moisture in the mask after a long period of use & water possibly dripping on your face— this happens to me sometimes with my Flo Mask. Edit on Sept. 26, 2023: I tried GATA Mask, and I personally have a tough time getting a comfortable fit & seal with it, even when getting the small/medium size for adults to see if it'll make a difference, and the nose bridge shape not fitting well for me is a huge con. Customer service is just suggesting I spend more, so I'll just give this one a break, for now at least. A lot of other people seem to like it though.)

Halyard FLUIDSHIELD [ASTM Level 3] Mask (My mom works in a hospital, and these are masks she brings home from work. They're VERY comfortable for me, especially when I'm masking at home. I recommend finding a way to tighten the loops that go around your ears to prevent as much gaps around the mask as possible. If tight loops hurt your ears easily, I recommend a mask brace.)

O2 Nose Filters (I haven't tried these out yet as well, but I've seen videos demonstrating how effective these are at filtering out SOOO many unseen particles. I don't recommend using these alone of course, because there's still a risk of inhaling harmful aerosols through your mouth. I would recommend using this as a reinforcement of the protective measures you take. For example: adding on a comfortable surgical mask— ideally one with a high filtration efficiency like the previous suggestion— with the nose filters. I think these nose filters would be great if you're removing your mask real quick to take a sip of water or if you're outdoors with enough distance from crowded areas & groups.)

In the ideal world, more people would mask during this on-going pandemic so those that deal with sensory issues and/or those that straight-up can't wear a mask due to medical reasons wouldn't have to worry so much about choosing between existing & risking their health. For now, we just have to find alternatives.

2. "Do I need to wear a mask outside forever?"

My answer to this is: yes until further notice. There's no foreseeable end to this pandemic right now, but it would be worth the patience to wait for adequate tech, treatment, and cures for covid-19 to be released before even thinking about getting loose with masking.

Societal mandates have been dropped way too soon, and public health in regards to covid-19 is being forced on us as an individual responsibility. As a consequence, this gives this rapidly mutating virus a lot of wiggle room to spread and do whatever it wants. This means doctors and experts don't have much answers yet for adequate treatment because there's a MAJOR lack of containment (such as masking & quarantining) and documentation (such as testing & reporting). This isn't to say there hasn't been any advancements whatsoever: for example, Washington University just developed a breath test for covid that gives results in just 1 minute! This is great news! And this is just one reason why it's very necessary for those who can mask to mask, so scientists are given more time to roll out helpful solutions & tools sooner.

Another thing I'll add is if you're symptomatic and/or are positive for covid, you should 100% be wearing a mask no matter what, point blank period. I say "and/or" because it is VERY much possible to have covid and not experience any symptoms at all; this is a major reason why it's necessary to mask up in public consistently, because you can't always know who you bump into that may have covid or not.

3. "Even if we don't have covid, we could still be risking other people's health (and lives) with other diseases we may have right?"

Yes, there is a possibility of spreading airborne diseases to vulnerable people unknowingly— without the protective & preventative tools that is.

I can only speak for America because that's the cultural zeitgeist I grew up in, but: I feel like many of us can agree that, unless you worked in a healthcare setting, what was "normal" (in America) before 2020 when it came to airborne illness prevention was definitely not the regular use of a mask. American health education mainly taught us if we're coughing & sneezing to try to do so in a tissue or into your elbow, as well as frequently wash our hands. That doesn't account for the way air actually works though. For instance, if someone with the common cold coughed into the inside of their elbow, the particles they coughed out are still able to linger in the air because their elbow isn't creating a tight seal around their mouth (their elbow may have caught the droplets from their cough— which are bigger & heavier— but the smaller, lighter aerosols would just spread around similar to how smoke does); it's the difference between 😪 vs 😶‍🌫️. The only sure way for the germs they've coughed out to be blocked from spreading to other people is if they wear a well-fitted, quality mask/respirator.

I feel like health education from a young age should include the benefits of masking; that way it would be easier to adapt to the need to put on a mask to protect ourselves & others as a collective. It would be phenomenal & wonderful if we as a collective were used to masking the same way we're used to putting on socks before putting on our shoes.

4. "Immunocompromised people have always and will always exist"

Yes, that is true. And that means necessary measures taken to protect them, as well as other vulnerable people, should be the standard.

5. "[Covid] can't be the only airborne disease out there"

Of course not. There's plenty of them. However, not all airborne diseases are the same, nor should they be treated as such. What's been observed in regards to the long-term effects of covid is not at all the same with other airborne diseases. Covid is a highly contagious virus that is more than just a respiratory disease. Its goal is to attack your immune system, nervous system, heart, brain, and/or other vital organs. That's what viruses do. They act smart and sneaky, and they have the capability to trigger illnesses in your body that you may not have had pre-infection:

Chickenpox is known to lead to shingles

Epstein-Barr is known to lead to mono

HPV is known to lead to cancer

Covid-19 has been found to lead to:

POTS

ME/CFS

Stroke & Heart attack

Alzheimer's

Dementia

"Brain Fog"; Memory & Concentration Problems

The list goes on, and these are only what we know of. Covid may not be the only airborne disease, but it definitely is a dangerous one with serious, long-term negative effects.

6. "Do you feel that we should all be masking all the time, whether or not covid-19 exists?"

In regards to masking with the existence of covid:

Yes. Masking is a vital method in the prevention of catching & spreading covid-19, because it is primarily spread through the air.

In regards to masking without the existence of covid:

See my answer for number 3, and also: given the fact wearing a mask can only do more good than harm for most folks, I don't see why not. Imagine a world where we don't have to worry about flu season or allergy season anymore because those aerosols are filtered out from consistent mask wearing. Sounds like the dream to me lol.

-

I hope this made sense! If anyone has anything they'd like to add to answer anon's questions, please feel free to share!

Thank you for reading 😷

[adventures-on-foster-island]

Service and Suport Pokémon

The class takes place in a plush room within the main building, full of bean bag chairs and large cushions for sitting. Ellisa stands at the front of the room with an Umbreon on one side of her and an Espeon on the other.

"Hello students! I'd like you all to meet two Pokémon who are very special to me; Pan the Espeon and Nyx the Umbreon. They joined me over ten years ago, when I was 16 and moving away from home to attend school. Up until then, I had a close support network and attended online classes. When I moved all the way to Kanto, my anxiety and ADHD came to light in a way they never had before. I struggled to make it to classes, turn in school work, and even leave the dorm at all for a while. Eventually, my counselor suggested that I look into getting support Pokémon, and they changed my life.

You see, most people only think of service Pokémon as mobility aids, seeing eyes, and those that can detect things like allergies, blood sugar, blood pressure, and seizures. On the contrary, there are near endless possibilities of ways support Pokémon can help their trainers. Take the move Helping Hand for example; in battle it is used to increase attack power, but outside of battle it can do so much more. Nyx uses it on me to regulate my focus, or more-so my executive function, while Pan uses it to lower my heart rate when I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I've heard of people with chronic pain and fatigue using the move to manage their symptoms as well. Most moves have uses outside of battle, and if trained correctly, can help with some kind of condition. Folks with insomnia or other sleep disorders may benefit from moves such as yawn, hypnosis, and sleep powder, in addition to dream eater for nightmares. People who suffer from chronic pain have a wide variety of options, from poison type moves that dull nerves to fighting and psychic type moves that can trigger pressure points. Future sight is a popular move for those with OCD and anxiety, and Pokémon with the ability telepathy are great for the deaf, hard of hearing, and those who are nonverbal or have times when they go nonverbal."

Ellisa hands out a few items to be passed around; wristbands, harnesses, vests, and lanyards in various colors, all reading 'SERVICE POKÉMON' and/or 'WORKING, DO NOT PET'

"Service and support Pokémon are trained to perform specific tasks to help their trainer. They are working, and should not be interrupted or distracted from their job. Most will have some kind of vest or other accessory to alert others that they are working. These Pokémon are not battle trained, and just because someone has a Pokémon on them does not mean that they are a trainer who is prepared to battle. Service Pokémon must be registered through the PokéCenter system, and business are legally required to allow them inside. There are only two questions the trainer must answer if asked by staff; 'Is this Pokémon required because of disability?' and 'what work or task has the Pokémon been trained to perform?'. It is illegal to ask the trainer about their disability, require any special documentation, or ask for the Pokémon to demonstrate their task.

If you think a service or support Pokémon could help you live life to its fullest, reach out to your doctor. There is a process for finding the right Pokémon for your specific needs that can take up to a year to finalize. It is important to get your service Pokémon from a reputable breeder with a history of successfully trained adoptions rather than catching one wild."

[anotherpapercut]

College Resources

hey y'all so I have a degree in math, and have been tutoring college level math, stats, physics, and study skills for a few years now and I have several certifications as a college level tutor and in my years tutoring I've picked up a lot of absolutely essential things you NEED to know to pass math classes (and others!) if you have a hard time in math class, which unfortunately most schools will not teach you

so if you're in college (or high school, but some of these will be college specific) and you would like to hear my Professional Tips for how to survive math in college I have compiled a list of things I think you should know below the read more! I'm going to put a couple general tips at the top though for people who aren't taking a math class

alright, welcome to the read more! let's start with some general things

ok I'm starting with a kind of tip before the tips: if you are disabled, talk to disability support services at your school. a lot of times they provide services to attain a diagnosis if you don't have one, but if you do it's typically pretty easy to get accommodations and if your teachers try not to follow them, they will get in A LOT of trouble (I'm in the us so idk how disability laws are in other countries but here this is a big deal for universities bc public funding etc and if you make a complaint they will be FORCED to comply). I'm not saying bad experiences never happen, I've not been to every school in the us and I'm sure there are places that suck abt this, but I literally would not have been able to get a degree in math without accommodations (I'm autistic and have dyscalculia + memory issues) so it was worth every annoyed sigh by a dumbass teacher (which honestly rarely happened. most of them were cool). some possible accommodations include, extra time on tests, separate testing locations, formula cards, ability to use notes etc etc

I work in a free tutoring center at my local community college. while I won't say these are definitely universal, every college I have encountered (in the US, where I live) has one of these. Google the name of your school with tutoring. there is a very high chance you have free tutors available in a variety of subjects who are ready to help you. you should utilize the fuck out of this bc ur already probably paying for it in ur tuition

my favorite resource ever is one you may have heard of but I'm reminding you of it anyway. the Crash Course YouTube channel! it has free comprehensive videos about various subjects (including anatomy, physics, biology, economics, statistics and lots lots more). the videos are about 10 minutes each and they're incredibly easy to understand. they're an amazing way to study for finals. trust me on this one. they actually now have real introductory college courses that you can take for credit (tho I think you have to pay for that?) through YouTube so check into that!

take notes!!!!!!!! for real. seriously. even if you've never had to before. trust me. and don't just copy exactly what the board says, write what your teacher says out loud as well, that is often the most important stuff. I highly recommend investing in a few colored pens and/or highlighters. anytime the teacher says something important (such as formulas in a math class or a grammar rule in an English class) either write it in another color, or highlight it. color coding your notes even the tiniest bit will help you tremendously when you're studying and doing homework later. this doesn't mean having a color code so elaborate and strict that you're spending more time and energy figuring out the right color than listening and writing. I usually do the bulk of my notes in black then things like formulas or whatever in one bright color and extra bits of info from the teacher in another, this way it's easier to find the important stuff later on

if you've got a couple extra bucks, invest in a mini stapler. you'll be shocked how often those lil bitches come in handy

DO NOT EVER purchase your text books before the classes start (unless you get like an email before class starts telling you you need the book, but this is pretty rare tbh). half of your teachers are going to tell you on day 1 that they don't use the book at all. and honestly almost all of your books can be found by googling the name + pdf. just triple check that you have the correct edition!

speaking of emails, CHECK YOUR FUCKING SCHOOL EMAIL. I am so dead serious about this one. set up notifications on your phone. if you do not check your email you are going to show up for cancelled classes, miss assignment corrections, and generally not do nearly as well in your classes. I know this sounds fake but holy fucking shit please for the love of all that is good and holy check your fucking email. seriously.

the best way to study for your finals is to look at past tests and homework! if your teacher isn't a total dick they'll give you back your tests and homework. when studying for your final, go through and redo any that you got wrong, and look over the ones you got right. teachers usually take final questions from old tests and homework so if you do this it's very possible you'll study your exact finals questions. if they won't give you these back, reread your notes (in a way I'll describe in a moment)

reread your notes the same day you take them or very soon after so the lecture is still fresh in your mind! when you do this, grab a colored pen and take notes on your notes. I know this sounds ridiculous but it's actually a very important study tool. if you come across something you wrote that is confusing, write out an explanation. write down extra things that will help you understand the material. if there's something that you don't understand or don't remember PLEASE ask your teacher. some of them won't answer email so catch them in office hours or after class if you can. at the end of the semester when you're studying for finals, do this all over again but through your whole notebook for the semester (not all at once. pls take breaks lmfao)

if your teacher doesn't offer it up at the end of the semester, ask "can you please tell us some of the topics we should emphasize when studying for our finals?" (you can also say this in a far less pretentious way but I've found that professors are more likely to give you a real answer if you talk like this ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) I'm ngl, some of em will be assholes about this. they may laugh at the idea and snarkily say "look at your homework" or some shit equivalent. roll your eyes at these old bitches and move on. but many if not most will at least give y'all some idea of what to expect. and crucially: write down what they say and use it as a study guide

okey dokey!! that concludes the general section. now I'm gonna talk about some math specific stuff that will help you a lot if you struggle with math!

starting with an easy one: get a good calculator. please for the love of GOD do not get the TI-30X IIS unless you love it and are EXTREMELY familiar with all of the different operations. I'm sorry but this calculator sucks ass and it will hold you back. for about the same price you can get my personal favorite the Casio FX-115ES Plus (1st edition only, I haven't tried the 2nd edition bc I don't like change) or an FX-991 EX. if you're a Texas instruments guy get a TI 30XS or if ur doing calc and shit I'd get a 36X pro. I just prefer Casio personally lmao. in all likelihood your math teacher will be a calculator nerd who can teach you how to use any of these but there are also lots of videos made by calculator nerds on YouTube as well

so next I just want to emphasize how important your notes are. you cannot pass a math class without good notes unless it's a class you've already taken or something, and honestly even then I'd recommend you write some stuff down because the thing about math is there are a lot of different ways to do the same thing. which brings me to my next point

pay attention to the process your teacher uses to solve problems (I'll give an example in a sec) and especially to how they write the process down. if you're like me and you have trouble with the whole "show your work" thing this will help a lot, because you can use what your teacher writes down as a guideline for what you should write down. for instance, you may have learned about a math concept like permutations and combinations in high school one way, and then be taught a completely different way of performing the calculation in college. if this happens, ask your teacher about your way. sometimes their way is better for a specific reason and it's really important that you learn it. sometimes they'll say it doesn't matter just do what makes the most sense to you. sometimes you will also not get full credit if you do things a different way too so be careful and pay attention to what your teacher says abt it. you may have also been taught to show some steps in an operation but not others and your new teacher may want all of them. or none. or different ones. unfortunately math has a lot of variations

similarly, if there's a concept you don't understand, start by asking your teacher about it first bc they may want you doing a specific thing. if they're not helpful and you don't have access to a tutor turn to the internet. here are my recommendations for resources: Khan Academy has videos and examples explaining concepts in pretty much all types of math. usually really helpful because they'll show you several different methods and use different explanations, MathWay for classes that come before trig/calc. you can use it for those but it's a little more annoying lol specifically in regards to graphing and solving integrals and shit. this tool has A LOT of stuff in it but is best as a calculator to check your work on stuff and for showing you graphs that have transformations and shit like that from college algebra. it's got settings for different math types and even chemistry tho!, for more complicated graphing I'd use Desmos. you can use this in all classes but it's just a bit more complicated imo and it's more made for complex operations so I prefer to use MathWay as much as possible bc it's just more user friendly., there's also Symbolab which a lot of my fellow tutors really like but I personally tend to use the others more, Wolfram Alpha is a pretty well known one. tbh I find it kind of hard to use sometimes so i usually use it as a last resort lmfao but it is really good!, this last one is calculus specific (including things like calc based physics ofc) but derivative calculator and integral calculator are everything to me. could not have gotten through calc 2 and 3 w/o these mfs

OK THIS PART IS REALLY IMPORTANT!! we're going to talk about how you can make your math tests WAY easier on you and massively improve your chances of passing. here's what you're going to do for every test

1. when studying for your test, go through and find ALL formulas that you used in the unit(s) your test is over (this includes formulas you learned previously but used in this unit as well!!)

2. commit them to memory. easiest way to do this (besides practicing using them!!) is to rewrite them a few times including what you use them for and what all of the symbols and letters stand for

3. when you go in to take your test, spend like 5-10 minutes beforehand, right up until they make you put everything away, studying and rewriting these

4. the SECOND the test hits your desk, flip it over and write down every single formula immediately (including as much extra info like when to use and variable definitions as possible). now you won't have to try to remember them 30 minutes in when your brain is frying!!

5. go through the test and read each question carefully. if you can't remember how to solve it within 30 seconds skip it. you might only do 4 or 5 questions (maybe less depending on the length of your test) after the first pass, but just go back to the beginning and do it again, giving urself a little more time w each pass. this will ensure that you're not spending 45 minutes on problem 4 and having no time to get to the rest of the test. additionally with math it is extremely common to basically find the answer to how to do one problem while you're doing another problem. doing the ones you know first will also boost your confidence and help prevent anxiety from wiping ur brain. this is a really really important part of math tests

6. before you hand your test in, make sure you've written SOMETHING down on EVERY SINGLE QUESTION. even if you have absolutely 0 idea whatsoever what to do, there is always a chance for partial credit. a lot of times, you also know more than you think you do. so even if you can only do half a step of the whole process, half a point is better than 0!! if you really have no clue what to do, make something up. I know this probably sounds ridiculous but I'm so deadass. once I was taking a physics test and could not for the life of me remember what formula to use so I just made one up based on my vague idea of how it worked lmao. I wrote off to the side "I know this isn't how physics works, but I can't remember that so just pretend I'm god for a second" and I got like 75% of the points bc the teacher appreciated the effort!! there were fucking countless times when I was taking a test and I got to a point where I knew the steps of what I was supposed to do but could not figure out HOW to actually DO the math. so I wrote in words my understanding of what the next steps were. even though I didn't finish answering the question, I always got points for trying. this is what teachers are wanting from you. effort. so PLEASE write literally anything even if you're just making that shit up (just explain your reasoning in words to the side, as long as you're using logic you're really getting the essence of math anyway). you would not BELIEVE how fast your grades will improve by doing this. I tutored a girl who went from Ds to Bs within literally 2 weeks of starting tutoring just because she stopped leaving any questions blank and started getting partial credit

that's all the important stuff I can think of for now though I'm sure there's much more so I may update this in the future!

of course everyone is going to have a different experience and relationship with math. so adjust all of these tips to fit how you learn best. please try to remember that learning math is a very important part of developing your critical reasoning and logistical analysis skills. these are essential to understanding and interacting with the world and math is just a way of exercising those muscles. trust me when I say I know how infuriating math can be. I have dyscalculia and a math degree. I've spent so many hours crying over math you probably wouldn't even believe me. but it's worth it! and frankly, if you're in college, you're paying a lot of money for this class. you deserve to get everything you possibly can out of it

above all, if you're having trouble ASK FOR HELP. ask your teacher, ask your classmates, ask the head of the department, ask student services, ask Google!! and if you need help you can always ask me! :) I love helping people with this stuff and even if I don't know the answer to your question I'm pretty good at knowing where to look for them!

[maryellencarter]

okay, this may not be terribly coherent, but i think if anyone in the fandom still follows me, it's important for them to know.

earlier this summer, in addition to my wonderful partner of 6 years @camshaft22 , i agreed to date @johnhawkens , my gaming buddy. i knew he'd had some trouble with alcoholism previously, but he swore he was sober now. after losing my job, i moved up here so we could try to get disability and housing together, because arizona was absolutely horrendous for being homeless and i was not doing that a third time. the social services in this state are indeed much better. however, he had a lot of trouble with various applications falling through, crossed communications, and so forth. after three months in a group halfway house, they couldn't keep him any longer but he had nowhere else to go, so he wound up moving back in with his folks, who did not want him there but were prepared to tolerate him if he kept working hard on his housing.

on friday, november 10, i'm trying to be precise in my dates as far as i've been able to figure out, he got like four different pieces of bad news at once. he dug out some stashed liquor he'd hidden in his room about six months previous (before the halfway house or anything), got drunk, hid the bottle, forgot he hid the bottle, woke up and couldn't find it, assumed his folks had rifled through his stuff while he was asleep, and confronted them about hiding the bottle. this did not go well.

(he's always told me his folks are abusive, and i haven't questioned it too hard as mine definitely were, but i really have to wonder how much is... well, for example, do they actually go through his stuff when he's asleep or does he merely get confused and think they did?)

saturday and sunday, the 11th and 12th, were rough. i comforted him as much as i could, offered to drive up and get him, offered to help with his paperwork, talk to his case managers, whatever. on saturday he told me his father was insisting on seeing his paypal in order to find out if he had bought alcohol, and therefore sent me all the money in it to hold while he deleted the entire account to remove the history. he said he didn't want to get scolded for "unnecessary" purchases like games, which, sure, fine, my folks were like that, but it does mean he can't prove to anybody he *didn't* buy alcohol. (he's set it back up with the same email now.)

on sunday night, the 12th, he went radio silent, except for one DM to me about half past one on monday morning, which as far as i could find out was the last anyone had heard from him. i gave it a couple days, poking him on discord, texting him, calling him, and finally on tuesday evening, the 14th, i started messaging everyone i knew who talked to him, asking if they'd heard anything. nobody had.

on wednesday, i was basically assuming he'd killed himself and i'd missed my chance early monday morning to talk him down. i started looking up obituaries. i started talking about memories of him with his friends, at least the ones i'm reasonably close to myself. and i started to find out that his versions of some stories he'd told me were... weirdly different, from the ways the other people in the same stories remembered them. the other people's versions often seemed more in character to everyone i thought i knew.

we also found out that some of the times he'd messaged us for money lined up weirdly with times he'd claimed to have "drug interactions" making him act strange, and times he'd asked me for a lift. furthermore, i'd recently found out that his free phone "through insurance" was actually a lifeline program phone, which is all income-based through the government, so the time he'd told several of us that he needed a one-time payment to be allowed to keep it... did not fit with how i know the lifeline program actually works, especially since his carrier is verizon-owned and i have the entire verizon internal policy page on lifeline right up here in my damn photographic memory. so we sort of found ourselves edging toward "we hate to disbelieve our friend but we're having trouble making the puzzle pieces fit into the shape he wants".

on wednesday night he messaged me to let me know he was alive. hadn't eaten, hadn't slept, had just been existing in a depression spiral. which, okay, yeah, i've been there. we didn't talk much then because it was my bedtime and honestly i crashed hard from the relief of knowing he was alive.

on thursday, i didn't hear from him. in the evening i called him, and he sounded horrible, couldn't put more than two words together at a time. He told me he'd been having "waking nightmares", and at the time, I was like yeah, that happens to me when I'm off my CPAP, I get so sleep deprived I hallucinate and can't actually fall asleep, it's a problem. I told him he had to get to a hospital, preferably the one near me so I could visit, and he agreed to talk to his folks about it in the morning.

In the morning, we coordinated, his mom and I exchanged numbers, and they agreed to drive him down to the hospital. His mom sounded super happy that he had someone as committed as me who'd be able to give him the support he needed. I met them at the hospital that afternoon -- traffic was absolutely horrendous, so they had to head back home immediately, but they were happy to leave John in my hands, and he indicated he'd rather have me handle it than them as well.

John used to be a 911 dispatcher, so he does at least know that you fucking tell the medics what you've been drinking. Which it seems is why he didn't want his folks around for his intake, because that's when he dropped the bombshell that after running out of liquor made for drinking, he'd continued with isopropyl alcohol, better known as rubbing alcohol.

This hospital has a unique setup where if you're at the ER for psych issues, they don't necessarily whole-ass admit you to the psych ward, they have these little overnight "pods" where you can spend the night and they can assess you. So once John was checked in, I spent a few hours cuddling with him and chatting.

I got his meds list (and eventually found out that combining his particular meds with alcohol will cause hallucinations, hence the "waking nightmares"). He told me enough about the disgusting taste of the rubbing alcohol and how difficult it was to choke down enough to get a buzz off it, that I definitely believe he had been drinking it, although his breathalyzer came back zero so probably not as recently as he thought he had. He also told me that at some point, my best guess is Thursday, he got back in touch with @dukeswonderousmenagerie who let him know that AO3's oxfordRoulette had posted a new Jiglup oneshot; John attempted to read the oneshot, found that his reading comprehension was badly impaired, decided *getting drunk would help*, and managed to down enough rubbing alcohol to get a buzz for about 10-30 minutes (his time sense is also utterly fucked but I can't judge anyone for that), after vomiting it up multiple times.

After leaving the hospital so John could get a night's sleep, I talked the matter over with Leia. I told her the hospital would almost certainly only hold him overnight, especially since he'd told them he didn't have a plan to kill himself. ("He doesn't *think* he has a plan, but if he goes back home he will die," I said.) She agreed that I needed to fight with the hospital doctors to refer him to rehab, or however that works. My bunkmate here at the shelter, who used to be a hospice nurse, told me exactly who at the hospital I should make my case to, but warned me it would be a waiting game.

I hoped to get to the hospital on Saturday morning, the 18th, before they discharged him, and go directly to the doctors. I did not manage this; by the time I got there, John was already sitting right by the elevators and had called his folks for pickup. (He insists that he called me first but couldn't get through, and being a cell phone professional I know I can't quite disprove it, but I sure didn't have any missed calls. I had his number set to ring even when my phone is silenced, too.)

I asked John to let me talk to the doctors to refer him to rehab, a sober house, *anything* but going back to a place where he was already depressed enough to drink rubbing alcohol. He flat-out refused. He told me rehab was the worst experience of his life, and I listened closely while he rambled about it and did not manage to communicate any other reason to me except "I couldn't drink". He insisted he absolutely had to be somewhere he could "get out and about". (He also admitted he'd been able to get an Uber order of alcohol while he was at his halfway house, although he insists that was before I was up here and nothing to do with any of the times he asked me for money or -- God forgive me -- the time I ran a fundraiser for him.)

So he went back north with his folks. I talked to Leia about the conversation I'd had with him, and she was like "I know he doesn't want them to know but we have got to tell his folks to dump out the rubbing alcohol, for his own safety", and I was like "I just wish I knew if that was the right choice" and she was like "I'll do it and take full responsibility, blame me". So that's what we did. Leia texted his mom, his mom told him "we cannot be the support you need, get out of here and call 911 or a rehab".

And John called me, demanded I lie and say it was all a misunderstanding, insisted that if he has to go to rehab or any locked-down living situation where he can't get liquor he will just die sooner. I conferenced Leia into the call, following the plan.

Now, you have to know that Leia does not lie. Ever. Ever ever. I don't think she has in her entire adult life, or something like that. It's her one rule of morality. I absolutely expected her to laugh in his face, "fuck no I will not lie for you, listen to yourself, you have to get it together, man".

Instead, she folded. I did not realize she was so traumatized from the last much worse time I was on the streets, back in 2018, that she couldn't make herself be responsible for someone else being put out on the streets.

I told him, "She doesn't lie, man. Ever." He begged and pleaded and wheedled and demanded, and... She agreed to lie for him. She went -- scary, so scary it wasn't even sexy, scarier than Keith Silverstein Lupin at his darkest, she threatened him that if he ever drinks again he will die slowly and painfully, but he didn't take any of it seriously, which is possible even stupider than drinking isopropyl alcohol.

But anyway, she told John's mom it was all a misunderstanding. She's the worst liar ever, she sounded like she was reading a script against her will, but her normal affect is so autistically flat anyway that Mama Hawkens (this is not her real name) bought it. I did make John convince her to put the isopropyl alcohol in his parents' bathroom past a gauntlet of security cameras, anyway, but he's already bragged to me in the past that he knows how to dodge or circumvent security cameras.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but his mom was right to want to throw him out. Me, I'm saying this. But it was her only possible remaining bit of leverage to try to get him to seek help. And it didn't work, because of me, because I wasn't strong enough to tell him no myself, because I put Leia on the spot.

If he had asked for help, if he'd been "my folks are throwing me out and I have no ride, come up here and get me to a rehab", I would have done it, even if it'd taken all night and had lost me my bed at the shelter. But he didn't. He doesn't want help. He wants enabling. He'd rather be somewhere he can drink, even if he's in fear of his life (I don't know any longer how accurately).

It took me some time to figure out how to break up with him. I've never gone through a breakup before. But if he can and will mess with *Leia's* head that severely, he is not a safe man to talk to, for me or anyone. He will make you sympathize and take his side. He will suck all the money out of you that he can and drink it away. And eventually, someday, he will die.

I told Mama Hawkens "I still want to hear about any major developments with him, if you'd be willing to text me." I told John, "Don't kid yourself that this means I'd ever take you back. I want to know when you die, so your remaining friends can be spared the pain of not knowing."

*shrugs* I don't know how to end this post. Feel free to ask me any questions. I may be slow to answer. I... I loved the man I thought he was. We were going to make a life together. I'm still crying, grieving. I've lost both my Jigen buddies in about six months flat. But I can't be with someone who can or will even *think* of demanding that Leia lie for them. I know I can't even talk to him again or he'll get right back under my skin. I'm a mess, but I just want my side of the story out there, for when his next poor deceived enabler starts trying to figure out the truth.

edit: I JUST FOUND OUT HE WAS ALREADY DATING SOMEONE ELSE ONLINE WHEN HE PROPOSITIONED ME

wow i guess i have a whole story about my crazy ex now huh *yikesarooni*

[melanie-ohara]

Alive, Just to Watch the Bruises Heal - Chapter 2

Whumpuary, Day 12 - Prompt: Old Injuries

Shepard wants her old scars back, and there's only one person she trusts to do it

Okay, this one is probably the nastiest my whump stories are going to get. Be warned: blood, injury, trauma, and some very bad coping mechanisms.

AO3 Here

Shepard rolled over and looked at Thane. His eyes were closed and his breathing measured, but she didn't think he was asleep. She hadn't taken the anti-hallucinogens Mordin had provided to counteract the toxins in Thane's saliva and sweat, and though the first rush of chemical stimulation had come and gone while they had sex, Shepard was still pleasantly high. Logically, she knew Thane was immune to his own effects, but she couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to live like this all the time. It was the first time in months she hadn't been in pain.

Shepard's eyes trailed along the shape of Thane's profile: the gentle slope of his brow to the dip of his eyes, his flat reptilian nose and full, smooth lips. By the time her gaze came to rest on his chin, he was looking at her too. 

"What are you looking at, Siha?" he asked.

"The most beautiful man I've ever seen," Shepard replied. She hadn't told him that he was the first man she had bedded since her awkward academy years, or that he was the first person to see her naked since Cerberus had pressed her resisting body into service. She had a feeling he knew anyway. 

Thane smiled, and reached over to cup her face in his hand. She let her eyes closed and pressed against him so she could feel the strange membrane that joined his middle fingers against her ear. It would be so easy to fall asleep, comfortable and pain-free, but she pushed the temptation away. There was something she had been wanting to take care of and now, with the suicide mission looming, she didn't want to put it off anymore. She leaned forwards and pressed a soft kiss to Thane's forehead, and then got out of bed.

"Shepard?" he asked, sitting up to watch her in confusion as she pulled on a sports bra and underwear. Now that Miranda owed her for saving her sister, she had convinced her to disable the monitoring devices in her bedroom.

"I need to ask something of you," she said without looking at him. She pulled open the bottom drawer of the wardrobe and dipped her hand inside. 

"Anything," Thane said. When Shepard stood again, he had slipped out of bed and into his own underwear. She hadn't even heard him move. 

"It's still creepy how quiet you can be," she said, and Thane dipped his head in a bashful apology. "And… maybe don't be too quick to agree. You haven't heard what I want yet."

"What do you have behind your back?" Thane asked, gently resting his hand on her arm. He didn't want her to notice, but she could tell he was growing suspicious. She swallowed and took her hands from behind her back to show him the knife. 

It was a honed turian blade, used for skinning in traditional wild animal hunts, and Shepard had sharpened it until it rivaled Chakwas' surgical tools. Carefully, Thane took it from her and felt the weight, turning it over in his lightly scaled hands and running a finger along the flat of the blade. 

"This is an impressive blade," Thane said. "What is it you want from me, Siha?" 

Shepard had to turn away from him before she could answer. She watched the way the cool blue light from the fish tank swirled on the floor grating instead and swallowed the lump of fear swelling in her throat before she said anything. "Before Cerberus got their hands on me, before I… died - " she stopped suddenly, but Thane laid a hand on her shoulder to prompt her to continue. "Before I died, I had scars. Different scars. Scars that Cerberus erased." She turned back to him and looked him in the eyes. "I want them back." 

Thane looked from her down to the knife in his hand and then back again.

"Siha, I - "

"I know what you're going to say," Shepard said. "But I'm not me without them. These are marks I got on Elysium, Therum, Ilos, the Citadel. I could have had them removed - hell, Udina offered to pay for the surgery when I got famous so my headshots wouldn't look so off-putting." She took a step towards him and clasped her hand around his wrist. "They're a reminder of everything I've lost. Everything I've fought for. Everything I still fight for."

She stopped and looked at him, pleading, but he shook his head. "You're not lucid, Shepard. My toxins are still in your bloodstream, affecting your judgement."

"I'm not asking this on a whim, Thane," Shepard said softly. "I've been planning this since before we first met."

"Then why ask me?" 

Shepard sighed and let go of his wrist. "Mordin could do it. He probably wouldn't even ask questions. Doctor Chakwas, if I could put up with the psych eval she'd put me through. Or Miranda, she gave me all these new scars." She paused to look at him again, hoping he'd see the truth of it in her blown-out pupils. "But I trust you more than any of them. You're the only one I want to trust my body to. My past. And I know you have the precision and skill to do it. I want it to be you."

Thane was silent for a long time, and Shepard had to bite her lip to resist the urge to beg. He turned the knife in his hands while he considered it - considered her - his eyes on the fine edge of the blue-black blade. Was it sharp enough to slice her skin neatly? Could he wield a blade against a woman he loved? Could he stand to make her bleed?

Finally, he held the knife still. "Where?" he said.

"Thank you, Thane," Shepard breathed. 

She called up her omni-tool and flicked through the images she had prepared. A lot of them came from official Alliance media just after The Battle of the Citadel, but she'd had to use pictures she'd taken herself for the marks her uniform covered. A lot of them had Liara in them originally. 

"Here," she said, enlarging a picture of her leg and rotating it in the air so Thane could see. A pale scar cut along her calf, just below her knee. "This one first." 

He knelt and lifted her leg into his lap. The way he touched her now, examining her skin to find the exact angle for the knife, reminded her of how he had treated her in bed: there was that same methodical, conditioned fluidity to his movements that made her feel so safe. He pressed a kiss to her knee and she closed her eyes briefly. While she was distracted, he slashed the knife quickly across her flesh and she gasped in shock. 

A glancing slice from the beam of a geth ghost energy weapon, that would have destroyed her knee if aimed just a little better.

"I am sorry," Thane said, but Shepard shook her head and lifted her leg out of his grip, tilting it to look at the new wound. Other than the fresh blood trailing down her calf, it looked exactly the way it used to. Exactly the way it should.

"It's perfect," she said. Maybe it was the drell toxins clouding her mind, but other than a dull ache she didn't even feel it. Thane didn't return her smile, but he did nod in understanding. His past was dark and painful too, and Shepard knew if anyone would understand the need to bear a constant reminder of suffering, it would be Thane. She pulled up the next image.

A new Cerberus scar ran from Shepard's sternum to her belly button, where something had been put inside her and sewn up again, but before there had been a long scar that crossed from under ribs to the centre of her stomach. Thane turned the knife into a reverse grip, kissed Shepard lightly where the cotton of her underwear met her skin, and then quickly stood and made his cut.

A knife fight behind a bar, where a batarian slaver had tried to grab a teenage boy.

The cut hurt more, but Shepard didn't care. She ignored the blood too, this time. The first time she had got that wound it had been deep, and the blood was all she could think about. If the batarian hadn't assumed he'd killed her and run off, she was sure she wouldn't have survived. It was good to have the reminder back where it belonged. 

"Another," Shepard said. She had thought she was checking Thane could keep going, but it came out like a demand. 

She was about to try again when Thane took her hand and used it to flip to the next image - a high-resolution shot of her face, from her brief time as the Alliance poster girl. 

"These are the last three," she said, and left the question implied. 

"I understand," Thane said, examining the short scar that traced its way from the side of her neck to her collar bone.

"It stops just here," Shepard said, touching a finger to her own skin and leaving a fingerprint of blood to mark the spot. "I couldn't - " before she could explain that all the topless pictures she still had featured distinctive blue hands on her skin, Thane had slashed her with the knife. 

A shot from a rifle that had pierced her hardsuit. If not for the automatic medigel sealing her skin, she would have bled out in minutes. Liara had been there to see it.

Blood seeped into the cotton of her bra and Shepard nodded.

"This one is important," she said. She was starting to feel a tingle in her fingertips, but she knew the Cerberus implants would keep her from losing too much blood. 

Thane ran the tip of the knife over the image first, tracing the long cut that traveled down from above her left eye, across her face, over her lips, and down to her chin on the opposite side. 

"Siha," Thane whispered. 

"I survived it the first time, and it was much worse than it looks," Shepard said. She wasn't prepared for this to end yet, not when she was so close to being complete again. 

"It will hurt."

"I know." 

"Close your eyes."

Shepard did as she was told, and though she knew the next thing she was going to feel would send her back to that frozen street on Elysium all those years ago, Thane made her feel too safe to care. Instead of the knife, though, he gave her his lips first, pressing them to hers with an urgency he hadn't show her before. She kissed him back, feeling the prickle of the toxin in his saliva spark against her lips. Just as she was wondering if it was intentional - if he was dosing her to keep the pain at bay - the knife interrupted her train of thought.

A spear from kishock harpoon gun, fired from the top of the building next to her, had narrowly missed her head. Instead, it had slashed across her face and turned her skin and muscle to hot pulp. Occasionally she still dreamed about screaming.

Shepard nearly fell to her knees as the sharp pain lanced through her. Unlike the original injury, Thane had deliberately missed her eye, and it was her split-open lips that hurt her the most. Her mouth filled with blood and the iron tang made her feel sick.

"Medi-gel," she managed to burble through the mess, and spat it out as Thane quickly passed the minifacturer of his own omni-tool over her lips, stemming the bleeding in a few seconds. 

"We should stop," Thane said.

"I'm fine," Shepard insisted, a little thickly through her numb lips. "You said it would hurt, and it did." 

Thane had to understand that it was what she needed. None of the pain came close to the agony of the first few weeks of implant adjustment, and she had waged war across the Traverse without anybody even suspecting anything was wrong. The scars Thane was recreating for her had almost ended her on the days she got them, but in the days since they reminded her she was alive. The cuts hurt now, but every single one made her feel lighter. Better. She couldn't explain it to him, but the last one was the smallest of the lot and stopping now would leave her feeling as incomplete as if Cerberus had left off one of her limbs.

Thane sighed and switched the knife to his other hand. "Last one," he said.

"Last one."

This time he didn't try and make it a surprise - the cut was completely straight, which was maybe unsurprising given who gave it to her, and it meant that Thane needed to steady the blade with his other hand, pressing his palm over the back of the knife to keep it in place. Again, Shepard felt the comforting presence of his webbed middle fingers against her ear, and she smiled at him. Finally, he smiled back. Instead of letting him make the cut, Shepard took a sudden step forwards, and felt the knife dig in and slice through.

Saren's mutated corpse had slashed for her head and she had taken a step back just in time. His longest talon raked across her right cheek in a perfectly uniform arc.

Thane dropped the knife and wrapped his arms around her, welcoming her lips on his despite the blood that smeared onto his skin. It was over. She was back. 

"Thank you, Thane," she whispered into his skin, "I know that was hard."

"Anything for you, Siha," he whispered back. They kissed again, but Thane pulled away after far too short a time. "Medigel," he said, and his tone told Shepard that he was not to be argued with. She nodded, and let him take care of her.

The slow application of gel let Thane run his fingers over his handiwork, and Shepard couldn't help but see it as symbolic. He had made her whole again, and now he was healing her old injuries. Making her better. By the end, she was tingling from the drell toxins that had got into her blood when they kissed and she felt warm and delicate from the gentle heat of the medigel. Above all, she felt loved. Thane insisted on taking her to the shower so he could wash of the blood, but she stopped at the fishtank to look at her reflection in the glass.

She looked like she had crawled out of hell, and in a way she had. Blood streaked down her face where the new scars were still a vicious red. It got in her hair and stained her underwear. When she opened her mouth, she could see the stains of red on her teeth. She wondered if this was how she'd looked on Elysium, when they found her broken body. 

It felt good to be herself again.

[evanoxvt]

Having chronic health is a full time job, and is often disabling.

Let's start with the most basic of concepts. A full time job is 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. AKA 40 hours. Chronic health SYMPTOMS are usually 6-7 days a week (because once in a blue moon we get ONE EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD DAY), and are often EVERY WAKING MOMENT, and possibly every sleeping moment too. Sometimes we get a few hour break from our symptoms, but they are generally 24/7.

That in an of itself is far more than a full time job. And we don't get paid for it.

Then you have all the doctor appointments. These take long periods of time, and cost you money. That's a triple negative on your time sheet, you got energy spent on health symptoms, the doctor appointment, AND loosing money you aren't able to make.

So now where do we add in the time for all the little life necessities? It often takes disabled folks much more physical energy and more time to do things like shower or brush teeth because we can get injured and/or fatigued from things like this which normal people do not. Cooking is another time consuming and energy draining task. The amount of time I loose from spending 5 mins cooking instant ramen makes it really not worth it. There's a reason many of us go without food for long periods of time if we do not have a support person doing basic life things for us or with us to ease the burden.

NOW imagine how much MORE energy it takes to do chores, like washing your dishes or laundry. I'm not even talking general cleaning, just the bare necessities here.

Somewhere in there you need the energy to ACTUALLY EAT the food you or someone else made.

If you haven't caught on to the massive amount of energy it takes for us to do these things yet, you probably need to go learn about it elsewhere because I'd like to get to the next portion of this.

We often face medical gaslighting from doctors, and general gaslighting from the rest of the world, especially people who know us well or absolute strangers. People who know you a LITTLE BIT are the most likely to not gaslight you in my experience.

This means for every SINGLE doctor appointment, we have to PROVE there is an issue before we even get to see the doctor.

My most current personal example is meeting my new PCP (of whom I will likely be changing AGAIN due to his fear of dogs and inadequate care related to my service dog being in the room with me). He did a basic physical, looked at my recent labs and test results, and then told me "You are healthy, I cannot find anything wrong with you." That is not acceptable as I was there after having ANOTHER doctor say the same shit when I am getting dizzy constantly, having clear cut tachycardia issues, and having signs of BP issues (debatable on the issues itself). These things, in addition to my medical history AND life-long experiences indicate I very likely have POTS.

POTS is Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. This is a autonomic dysfunction condition (falls under dysautonomia). I'm really not the best at explaining this condition, but common symptoms are: Dizziness, I believe both Orthostatic intolerance and orthostatic hypotension, obviously tachycardia (but I've heard you can have bradycardia as well, unsure on that one). POTS is considered a syndrome because it is a conglomeration or group of symptoms and cannot be diagnosed by a single type of test.

I have heard of several tests that can make it much easier to get diagnoses, but even then you may struggle to get diagnosed.

I personally have done an ECG/EKG, as well as a 24hr holter monitor (basically 24hr EKG), and a huge amount of blood tests. At home, I have done a number of tests (specific and random) of both my blood pressure AND my heartrate. This is how I found out that I have abnormal BP and HR.

There was an issue with the day I got the 24hr test done, as I became ill (from doing laundry) and had to lay down for the MAJORITY of the 24 hours. As a result they did not see the tachycardia in the way we needed it to be seen (aka I wasn't standing up enough to get the results to prove the tachycardia).

I have literal videos and pictures PROVING that I have tachycardia and what we believe to be orthostatic intolerance (but could be hypotension....we highly doubt that though). The doctors ignore it because I DID IT. They however will not do the STRICT testing required to prove it. They also won't refer me to the departments required to test these issues.

I was literally sent home with some "homework" by the nurse to get current vitals all weekend long and email them in to prove the issue and request a referral to the blood pressure clinic. Today I spent 40 mins doing this so far. It will actually take longer later today when I do it again because I need to start with laying down for an hour.

Generally you spend 20 mins to do this 'test', but I have to do the version that is comparable to a tilt table test, as my doctors have refused time and time again to give me the test to prove if I have or have not been passing out. Yep, you read that correctly. It turns out I very likely have been passing out for very brief amounts of time but have no way to confirm without tests LIKE a tilt table test.

I'm not the best at working quotes in so take a look at it then I will discuss more.

"Results showed that standing after being supine for 1 hour was at least as good as 10-minute tilt; longer tilts introduced excessive numbers of false positives. Standing HR and BP measurements were taken at 1, 3, 5, and 10 minutes. Thus, standing tests for POTS requires previous supine rest. In our hands, >20 minutes is needed to reach fluid equilibrium."

Reference:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3639459/

This means the original test I was told to do (which took 20 mins) is not as accurate as this one. In the one I've done, which has MORE THAN PROVEN the issue, you lay down for 10 minutes, not 1 hour, take your laying BP, stand and immediately take your BP, wait 2 mins, take BP, wait 3 more mins, take BP, and wait the last 5 minutes to take your BP. Aside from the laying down BP these are done AT minutes 1, 3, 5, and 10 OF STANDING. Overall this is a 20 minute test. While trying to use it in place of a tilt table test you need to add an hour instead of 10 minutes, so it comes out to be 70 mins total.

Now take this morning for example:

I was already laying down for far over an hour since I was awake but not getting up yet (technically I got up a few hours prior to use the restroom and take care of the dog, but I immediately laid back down and multiple hours passes). I took my BP, then did the 10 mins of standing and took those BP's, then did the same thing but while laying for another 10 mins, and finally changed HOW I WAS LAYING to my usual laying position and did 2 in that position, 1 after initially moving and the other after 10 minutes.

So for A SINGLE one of these I spent 40 minutes, and later will have to ADD an hour onto that, JUST SO I CAN PROVE the thing the doctors are ignoring.

Now tell me how spending several hours A DAY on doing 'homework' for your doctor ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE is somehow not A FULL TIME JOB??? If you really thing it isn't you need to get off your high horse. Because this is real and a serious problem.

Disabled folks, like myself, are constantly being told we aren't doing enough or that we need to just try harder, or that we aren't worth it because we don't work, etc. BUT these people saying this cannot even begin to fathom what we go through on a daily basis or how much energy it would take them to simply do our 'homework' for the doctors. Literally, tell me you have a full time job that lets you take nearly 2 hour breaks on a frequent basis to check you BP or to test your heartrate, or to let you lay down and decompress (physically or mentally) or that lets you take frequent breaks for HOWEVER LONG YOU NEED, or that lets you call out sick FREQUENTLY, with anywhere from a decent notice to absolutely no notice, or even having to leave work early because you overestimated your capacity for the day.

Jobs like that DO NOT EXIST. They don't. There are small companies that may allow that, but that would be the one-off exception, and is certainly not easy to find. Jobs like streaming give you the flexibility for all of these accommodations and more, but does not provide you with medical, dental, or even a steady stable income.

So please for the love of all things good in this world, stop treating disabled people like we don't do enough. We shouldn't have to earn the right to EXISTING. We shouldn't have to PROVE that there is an issue to the people expected (and paid) to help us. We shouldn't have to beg for help because the rest of the world has turned their backs on us.

It's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Be kind. Be understanding. Lend your ear if you cannot do anything else. We work harder than you will hopefully ever have to know.

Thank you all so much for reading this far into my post!!! I don't really feel comfortable with promoting myself but I will use the mental excuse that its almost my birthday so "just do it already FFS".

There are a few ways you can support me, both with and without paying a single cent!

My first link is going to be my throne, where you can safely buy me gifts that are delivered directly to my door! You can get me most kinds of things, and I do sometimes update it to contain alot of fun stuff (especially around holidays). I can received several very helpful health related gifts, and love that my community has shown a desire for my health to be improved in any way possible. This is very heartwarming and really makes me feel seen, heard, and appreciated. You can find anything from streaming stuff, health stuff, dog stuff, and fun stuff on my throne so feel free to browse. I also have some payout items that go to my throne balance for me to spend on whatever I want in case you can't make up your mind.

The second link is my carrd link, which contains a bit more information about me, as well as EVERY POSSIBLE LINK you could want to find to support me. This is where the free support comes in. If you follow me on my socials, youtube, or twitch you will be able to interact with me. As we all know, the world of social media and content creation requires people to interact with you and your content. I will be posting to youtube again soon, but as of right now my most active places are discord (where you can get health updates, live notifications, and just chat and chill with me), twitch (where I stream), and Twitter/X (where I am currently most familiar with posting things).

I appreciate alot of the little things and am unfortunately not the best at expressing it....but I try, and that is kind of the most important part. Again, thank you for reading this far, it really means alot to me.

[cardinaldante]

Greetings siblings of the church. Friday sucked. It's Dante, I see Aether sent a post while I was unfortunately busy. He didn't give me any sort of medicine when we woke up, so I had a headache all day Friday and just decided to alternate between sleeping it off and glaring at him. Today has been much better though!

The Papa's didn't find out I had drunk- Aether said I could tell them if I wanted to, but I wasnt- so this morning I got up and got the work I shoved off yesterday done. A messanger from the Catholic Church came by, and dropped off a letter for me from DeFroque. He asked to meet Sunday after their church service. I didn't know about that. For starters, I couldn't bring any ghouls. Maybe I could bring Phil, but then again, Phil was bound to one of the Papa's, right? Maybe?? I don't know. Two, all of the Papa's would be busy getting ready for Midnight mass Sunday, so none of them would be able to come with me.

However, Papa Copia told me this union between us and the church needed to work, so I agreed to it and sent the messanger back with the note. I know siblings, it's a stupid idea to go by myself, but I don't want to inturupt the Papa's. I got my work finished and headed down to see Phil first. If he was bonded to someone, he couldn't be able to go- Expecially with what happened to me with Aether. But maybe.. He was in his office when I got there, flipping through a bunch of old looking books.

I told him hello, and appologized for not coming to see him sooner. He only waved me off and asked how my leg was doing. I told him it was okay, but I stil struggled to walk. He told me even with PT, I'd probably have to use a cane for the rest of my life, Expecially since the skin never recovered around my ankle. I mean, yeah, I could get surgery to replace the blackened, burnt skin, but there was a very high risk of the doctors at the hospital thinking the church wasn't taking care of me and taking me away. I would rather just walk with a cane. At least I'd be able to get a fancy one.

I asked him if he could come with me to the meeting of the church on Sunday, and he told me he could. He told me that Christianity and holy water and all that didn't work on him at all, since he'd been up here for so long. he asked if I wanted a spell to keep me safe. See, he'd heard what happened from Aether and Papa Copia and Mountain, suprisingly. Mountain rather came with his own story. He told me that there was a spell that could keep me safe from the influence of holy water and blessings. I had heard of that before. Aether had done that spell on me when we went to get the kids. I told him I wanted the spell done.

After that, he gave me a small check up which just consisted of him helping me change the bandages on my ankle, making sure the foot brace was secure, and helping me back in the wheelchair. My crutches were in my room, but I opted for the wheelchair today when my leg started to hurt too much. He asked if I would be at midnight mass, and I told him probably. I don't know though. Honestly, I've been feeling a little self conscious having to wheel around in my wheelchair or walk with the crutches. We have people with disabilities here and I've been getting alot of help from them and other people, don't get me wrong, but... I don't know. I just feel so...

Sorry siblings, I know this isn't what you want to hear from your favourite Cardinal :DD

Anyways, the rest of the day was boring, and I decided to have a sleep over in Aurora's room. Sodo was there this time, which was very suprising. He told me that this was a one time thing and that he was only there because he wanted to sleep next to Aurora. He said that, and then instantly curled into my side after he fell asleep, warming me up. Honestly, he's kinda a bad lier. I wonder if I could get rain to let the kids swim in his lake- after all, they do need swimming lessons, bit honestly, I'd have to beg or something for that. I know damn well he'll whine and complain about it for the longest time.

[mbrainspaz]

I'm stuck in a strange place in the horse industry, different from the strange place I used to be. It's all down to the fact that I snuck in through the service entrance, metaphorically. Also literally. Ever since I finally bought my own horse I've been marginally accepted into the social circle of the barn I work at. I'm still noticeably an outsider but there is a level of respect as a 'fellow horse owner' I didn't experience before. Horse ownership isn't a direct ticket to that respect because you can easily be written off as a Bad horse owner if you're no good at it. That's worse than not being a horse owner. I seem to have passed that bar at least.

The next hurdle to acceptance is being seen as a competent rider, and that's a doozie. To be seen as a competent rider you have to pay for gear and lessons and trainers. I have some talent and some skill left over from the sporadic lessons my parents paid for when I was a teenager, but my reputation definitely suffers from the 10 year gap where I could barely afford to touch a horse and from my low status as a stable hand. I used to be a barn manager, was supposed to still be a manager, but that's a tangent.

A nearby barn recently reached out to me with an opportunity to be a trainer and I tried to just roll with it. They saw two videos of me riding and immediately wrote me off. It's so frustrating. Whatever. Stupid job probably had shit pay anyway, AND they had ties to the same damn white supremacists I've been trying to get away from ever since I moved out here. Ugh. Don't even get me started on that rot.

I still want to improve. I just can't afford a trainer who could help me at my riding level and at my age. There's a difference between a $45 kids' lesson and a $150 dressage lesson. Even if I wanted to throw my housing savings fund away I can't just go out and pick a trainer who does $150 lessons. It doesn't help that a bunch of the trainers who saw me doing my best to ride (after 10 years of not riding) immediately dismissed me as 'not worth their time' and have refused to teach me even if I could afford them. I've been working to improve for a year on my own but I can't seem to get that respect back no matter where I look. It's so frustrating it makes me want to scream into my saddle pad. I'm SORRY I'm not another rich brat who had easy access to everything they ever needed to succeed in this stupid bougie industry. I'm sorry my saddle is trashy, my riding pants are hand-me-downs, and my boots are the ones I got for my 12th birthday. Sorry I'm a bit disabled and my horse is old. I'm doing my best. That doesn't matter. I feel like I'll never escape being seen as the local peasant who, at best, gets pats on the head for trying.

A respected German trainer saw me riding the other day and had a lot of good things to say. I know I've improved and gotten back to a decent level. Did I understand what the hell he was saying while he was praising me? Barely. He had no interest in actually training me either.

I've heard of success stories where poor riders were taken on as proteges by trainers who put them on paths to successful riding careers. That's how one of my former bosses supposedly made it. But I'm already too old for that to ever happen, even if it were a reasonable thing to hope for. And who knows how honest those 'success stories' really were about their struggles. Sometimes you'll hear a story about a rider who beat the odds and it's like, 'their family only had ONE mansion.'

Honestly ever since I realized I was doomed to be labelled An Outsider at like age 16 I've loathed their exclusive insider club bullshit so much that I don't even want in. I just want to be allowed to ride and learn to ride better, and they're still gatekeeping that from me. All it would take is for one person with a little bit of pull in the industry to see me and believe in me. Never gonna happen.

I haven't even addressed the existence of the class of non-bougie horse owners here. There's another, less respected path into the industry that is 'being poor but having parents who own a piece of land where they live in a leaky trailer but still have horses.' I don't even have that level of respect as a first time horse owner. Those kids who were poor but raised with horses are the only ones who actually seem to have a chance. I'm totally lost somewhere between those people and the rich kids who had it all given to them. My parents paid for a few lessons but hated horses and, I found out much later, actively worked to sabotage any social progress I made because they didn't want me to go down what they saw as the spoiled horse brat pipeline. Mission accomplished I guess.

I'm stuck between floors on this elevator ride and nobody is coming to help me.

At least I'm stuck in the metaphorical elevator with my horse. He's the only reason I've stuck it out this long.

When he's gone I'll probably ditch this dream and this stupid snobby industry for good and never look back.

[dredshirtroberts]

There are some things I don't think I will ever be able to forgive my parents for.

The internal voice in my head that blames my pain on what i did or didn't do - mainly didn't do, because of course if i moved around more i wouldn't be injured (let's just conveniently ignore/forget most of my injuries happened while at my most active). And obviously i don't move around enough because 1) they didn't see it and 2) i'm fat (derogatory).

This is, of course patently incorrect. first of all i am shaped like a gravitationally-powered time piece and have been since i was young. But apparently that is enough to be deemed "fat" by my family since i grew tits at age 9-10. Like and fat isn't a bad thing?? and you can be healthy and active while fat??? and i was! i was very active and...well i can't say healthy during that period of time because i was actively starving most of it because - as i was perceived as fat - i was berated about my food intake (at *minimum* it was commented on snidely) and constantly monitored about what i could have and when i could have it. My parents were on yo-yo diets constantly during my teen years when i was running Multiple Miles A Day, at minimum 3 days a week, or swimming actively anywhere from 2 hours a day 3 days a week to 3 hours a day nearly 5 days a week.

My knee blew out and swelled up to 2x its size while i was a councilor in training at a summer camp for 2 weeks. My shoulder blew out mid lap, mid practice and i finished the practice before i mentioned it and it *was* x-rayed but i never found out what happened to it. If mom heard back about it, she never told me. I *fell off* horses TWICE, once getting kicked in the ribs at 10, and the second one i tore a huge chunk of skin off my hand and had scrapes on my back from getting dragged through gravel. AFTER WHICH I WENT TO SWIM PRACTICE. And then there was the tap dancing which i did *along side training for half-marathons*. WITH MY PARENTS. I DID THIS WITH THEM. THEY KNEW I DID THIS MUCH.

but because i tended to stay pretty stationary at home (god why wouldn't i? even if i wasn't fucking DISABLED with a CHRONIC PAIN ISSUE from my CONNECTIVE TISSUE DISORDER (as of yet unnamed specifically - i *really* need to get my shit together and see a doctor) I was exhausted because i WAS RUNNING SEVERAL MILES IN THE MORNING AND THEN EXPECTED TO TEACH MYSELF MY OWN FUCKING SCHOOL WORK.

but yeah i was lazy and didn't move around enough and so any injuries i got, or stiffness and pain when i moved from my stationary position was my fault. My knee wouldn't have blown out if i didn't sit with it tucked up underneath me. My shoulder wouldn't have blown out if I...idk been more careful??? doing the same stroke i'd been doing the same way for several years at that point?

I walked FIVE MILES A DAY, EVERY DAY, FIVE DAYS A WEEK. at my most recent job *just to get to the damn job*, let alone the 10-12 HOURS ON MY FEET WHILE THERE before i burnt out (gee I WONDER WHY) and thankfully shortly thereafter i got a car so I could make it to the shifts I could still work at that point, ones that got shorter and shorter as my body just failed right out from underneath me. IN FUCKING FOOD SERVICE. (notably a rather physically intensive job)

My pain during my desk job years was from sitting still too long. My pain during training during my athletics was from not stretching enough, not being careful enough. My pain during the physically taxing jobs was because i didn't move enough during the day so of course i was going to hurt myself.

no matter what i did. it was my fault i hurt. it couldn't ever be that there was something wrong with me that they needed to help me look into. And i internalized the shit out of that.

I tweaked my back the other day. Don't know what i did. it's been like 3 days now, and i move really stiffly because it's my lower back, near my hips and tailbone, and it hurts to move. i've taken meds 2ce today and i am *really bad* at taking meds during the day. i stretch during the day, i get up and move around as best i can - i might not do it as often as i probably *should* but if you were in pain you'd do your best not to move as much too! it hurts!

but gosh if i only moved more, lost weight, could turn straw into gold and spin my hair into a rope to reach the stars. Then I wouldn't be in pain and really it's my own fault. Right?

[cuntwrap--supreme]

In my city (over 1mil people if you count the metro area), there are 5 main homeless shelters. There are a handful of others, but they're small and more choosy with who gets in.

Of the 5 main shelters, only one doesn't require Sunday services. That single shelter that doesn't require attending church still wants you to verbally say you've converted. If you don't follow these requirements, you're out.

Of the 5 main shelters, none of them allow you to return past 8pm or leave before 6am. If you do, you're no longer allowed in that shelter. If your bus breaks down on your way back, it's back to the streets.

Of the 5 main shelters, only one has any real oversight during nights, and it's city cops who probably resent having to be there. The others have an unpaid volunteer who sits at a desk and is supposed to make sure no one is being assaulted or stolen from or dying, but is usually just a volunteer from whichever church runs the place who sits in a closed room and watches TV.

Of the 5 main shelters, none are disability or child friendly. If you're in a wheelchair, you have to hope someone around you can help you down to your cot on the floor at night, or help you piss when you go to use the non-handicapped stalls. If you have a child, that child is instantly taken from you (from birth to the day before they're 18) and they only let you have custody back if you manage to pull yourself out of extreme poverty. I imagine you do this via the bootstraps method?

Of the 5 main shelters, not a one gives people privacy. At best, you get a ratty old sheet draped across a wire to give yourself the illusion that you're not 2ft away from the next guy. Most just had mats or blankets on the floor and that's that.

I have talked to tons of homeless people in my day. Especially those who are homeless due to untreated mental illness. It's like random schizophrenic people can sense that I'm like them but have just been lucky enough to be able to force myself to hold together and not let the brain demons win. If that makes sense. Anyway. Across the board, I've heard people say they'd rather be in the streets than suffer through sleeping in a shelter. Even in the dead of winter. It was 13 degrees outside early this year and I'm trying to tell this woman sleeping under a bridge that I can take her wherever she needs to go (though I don't make the kind of money that would allow me to book her a hotel room, and I have no space in my apartment) and she told me she'd rather freeze to death than go to a shelter for the night. Or a knew a man once who had finally managed to get himself a job, but the job wanted him to be there at 5am and the shelter wouldn't change when they let him leave, so he had to go back to the streets and lost the job because he then had no address. Or another guy I ran into frequently who knew how to fix shit, but had a really bad meth problem, who would dig through dumpsters for broken electronics and small motor items and fix them for cash; he said it was less dangerous to sleep in the ditch between two highways because no one ever stole from him there, whereas any time he was in a shelter people would steal the stuff he was working on and no one would help and would focus too much on 'you're on meth again huh?'

That being said, there are various churches and nonprofits here who do a good job. There's an organization I worked with for a little while that takes single mothers off the streets, gives them a home, helps pay their legal fees so they get their kids back (if applicable), and gives them free childcare. The only downside is they expect you to have a job to sustain your family within 5 years, but they also have a program that allows the mothers to go to school for free for 2 years. There's also a church that has a creepy basement that they've outfitted with small rooms that they'll allow people to stay in so long as they don't cause trouble. But they only have about 10 beds, so there's not a lot they can do. Or I recently delivered groceries to a lady in a shelter that runs out of an old school. I think they said they have 100 rooms and are geared towards homeless people who want to get off drugs but don't have the resources to do so on their own. They give you up to a year to break your addiction, they give you space for relapses, and they allow people to stay there up to 3 years. If you feel like staying past your 3rd year (which I was told a lot of people do because you form such strong bonds with one another in a place like that), they charge you regular market price for a studio apartment.

But, sadly, the norm is horrible and unsafe conditions, unless you're like the biggest guy there. Staff at most shelters don't care. They don't consider those there to be people. And the few that do can't do much because those places are already so fucked up that one single person can't change much.

I've had this idea for years that, if I ever somehow had tons of cash, I'd buy up one of the dozens of empty warehouses in the city and convert them to studio apartments for the homeless. Just enough space for a bed, closet, kitchen, and bathroom. A place to restart safely. Have full time mental health staff available if anyone needs them. Locate it someplace near bus lines so it's easy to hop on the bus and go. Encourage people to try to get back on track but don't enforce it; rather, focus on building healthier habits overall, whether it's drinking less or not self sabotaging or being better about taking your meds, etc. The idea is to go about it from a mental health perspective instead of the usual, which is just focused on "ew these gross people live on the streets, put them in a building someplace." I think the only requirements I'd want is to check on daily so people know you're safe and a no violence policy.

Anyway. If someone has 5.6mil on hand, I live in a city with a homeless population that like doubles every year due to the ridiculous price of housing.

Also, like, I'm sorry but if you've set up a free shelter, and people refuse to go because sleeping on the sidewalk under a freeway bridge is more pleasant, that's fucking on you, that's not on them.

You really can't compete with sleeping under the overpass so you are going to force people into shelter?

Unspeakably cruel and stupid.

[fuzzypuppybuddie]

Aye I need to vent

For the first time in a while I genuinely don't know what the future will be and I'm scared... and sad

I want to go to university we already payed half of the matricula but I don't think I'm gonna be able to because of well... lack of money

The money I was able to get by comissions it's gonna have to go to debts & groceries

Damn I don't even have enough for groceries I was finally able to get enough to pay one (1) debt

Everything it's so expensive here... it's crazy

When I was 16 I used to save the money I was gonna use for public transport walking to school to buy two cola cans for me and my friend for $50 pesos... $25 each one

Now I'm 18 and a one. single. candy's $40-$60

And soda cans are $1.200

If you want to buy enough groceries for a month you have to pay like $90.000 pesos minimum, probably more, definitely more (Those are like- 85 dolars or sm I think). Finding something that costs less than $1.000 on a supermarket it's so rare for me now

You need credit cards and long enough you will have cards debts because your salary will never be enough to cover all of this stuff right away

Public transport... oh well the buss is $600

I don't have to buy fast food burgers after school anymore those are $10.000 now. The hotdogs in other place are $2.700 tho.

Light, water- They're more and more expensive every month I've heard a neighbor got one million to pay of light

I don't have natural gas here so we have to buy a gas tank every month. You used to find variety of prices but our precious president decided it would be soooooooo silly and funny if he erased the price limit you can legally sell these things so now a small thank cost like $40.000 that's soooo funnyyyyy :)

So we have to make the house warm using firewood too... the meter it's so expensive but you can't warm a house with one single meter that's crazy thinking you need 3 but also 4 because what are you gonna do when you finally use it all? Buy more?? Right away??? It's too expensive!! You need to get enough to have it saved in case you can't buy more the next month

You can't use electrical calefaction that thing uses too much energy and lights already expensive enough as it is. You have to check that out too because it's common for companies to charge you services you never asked for...

Public school's don't get enough financiation the things are falling down the breakfast can vary from one cup of tea & bread with butter to a single cup of liquid yogurt so now your tired and hungry and sad. The teacher's are stressed out and get paid miserably or not at all. The public universities are in sooo much danger too.

And I'm scared we're so scared but we still need to pay the god damn card debts the one before tomorrow the one before December the one before January.

My mom's gonna loose her job. They knew this day will come just not... NOW. They thought it would be next year at least... to get time to make a plan, time to search for other jobs... not just- right now

They're disabling afip

I don't think I'm gonna be able to go to university soon

I just want a chocolate bar but why would I waste money on that

I feel so pathetic

[theonemyleejongsuk]

MONDAY TIDBIT📎

'The Giving Angel'

(Omg...I'm crying while reading, this is why you are more blessed, this mans heart is really in good place, then and now...indeed🙏)

Must Read: “It’s embarrassing to hear that I couldn’t get treatment because I didn’t have money”

[A 'hand of life' for low-income people suffering from illness]

Actor Lee Jong Suk who donated his talents

“I heard that there are many neighbors who cannot go to the hospital even when they are sick because they do not have money. It seemed more meaningful because it was a campaign to support low-income families. That’s why I started donating my talents.”

This is why actor Lee Jong Suk (23, photo) took part in the 'A helping hand for low-income people suffering from illness' campaign co-planned by the Community Chest of Korea and the Dong-A Ilbo. In the future, he will publicize the purpose of the campaign and encourage citizens to participate through social network services (SNS). “If you look around you, there are so many sick people. I believe that if I gather a little sincerity with the heart of helping my family, they will find greater hope and health.”

Debuting in 2010 with 'Prosecutor Princess', Lee had his best year ever. 'School 2013' and 'I Hear Your Voice' were loved by fans, and the movie 'Blood Boiling Youth' is about to be released in January. Lately, I've been working on my busy schedule and reduced my sleep, but I'm planning to participate in the campaign in my spare time.

The difficult news of a rare incurable disease always weighed on his heart. “When he hears that he didn’t get treatment because he couldn’t afford it, a part of his heart breaks. The sooner the disease is treated, the easier it is to recover. After all, they suffer twice.”

He said that 'sharing' and 'donation' are small but begin with a caring heart. “I think there are many people who think that the word ‘sharing’ or ‘donation’ is quite far away.

Spreading the Hands of Life SNS campaign is also part of sharing. If you make a donation via ARS or make a small donation, you will feel more rewarding than you think.”

Mr. Lee became interested in sharing and donation while participating in the 'Building a House of Hope in Sindang-dong' event, the first project of Goodway With Earth, as a donation mentor. The Hands of Life campaign is the second sharing and donation project that Mr. Lee participates in. Goodwaywithus is a youth talent donation site created in October 2012 (www.goodwaywithus.co.kr). Teenagers play a key role in sharing ideas about talent donation, developing the idea step by step, and leading to donation activities. They are carrying out various donation campaigns such as 'Hope School in Nepal', 'Haiti Fish Farm' and 'Preparation of racing boats for rowers with disabilities'.

Mr. Lee has been supporting the medical expenses of Kim Jin-woo (pseudonym, 5), who has been suffering from the congenital 'Wolf-Hirschhorn Syndrome'. This disease is a rare and incurable disease that affects 1 in 300,000 newborns and requires lifelong treatment because it is difficult to cure. It costs more than 2 million won a month to treat Kim's illness. However, with a family that earns around 1,000,000 won a month from driving a taxi, they cannot afford it.

“I came to know that there are more low-income families like Jin-woo who are in crisis due to medical expenses than I thought. The only thing that can solve these problems is your attention.”

Source🔗https://www.donga.com/news/Society/article/all/20131223/59720201/1

Posted 23 Dec 2013

Thank you for sharing🙏

My @jongsuk0206 #LeeJongSuk is life.

#TheOneMyLeeJongSuk

#이종석 #李鍾碩 #李钟硕

#อีจงซอก #イジョンソク

#Decibel #BigMouth

[tesria]

It's also not just these things, though they're all excellent points.

I'm AuDHD, I haven't worked for a while, or been subject to long hours and workplace pressures, and I can tell you this: Communication with friends, family, and people whose services I need can still be fraught. I've still hurt people's feelings by accident, or had to go away and cry for an hour because of emotional disregulation over minor things that stays with me for a day or two. I still forget to contact friends for months. I've lost friends because of all those things. I still struggle with planning food in groups, with grocery shopping for myself, with keeping things tidy even though clutter is overstimulating. I can't finish projects despite really wanting to. I spend ages trying to make myself get up to start a task that needs doing, like making something to eat even though I'm already nauseous with hunger. I want to watch or read something and can't focus on it. Sometimes even the mostly-ok clothes I have make me want to tear my skin off, and then I can't leave the house to go for a walk when my mental health badly needs to spend time in nature.

Having to live under high pressures of capitalism makes things worse, absolutely, but you wouldn't be completely fine if you didn't work long hours in pressured environments (which is not exactly what capitalism is anyway, though there is some correlation). It's not "only a disability because of capitalism," or as I've seen a few times "not a disability at all because if the world suited me better I'd have no problems," which I have heard and apart from it being impossible for the world to perfectly suit everyone, makes me think you need to read up on the social model of disability (not a complete and perfect model, but relevant here).

There are ways we can theoretically arrange our lives to account for as much as possible, but there are still difficulties. Someone with chronic pain will be in more pain if forced to do too much activity, but they don't stop being in pain the rest of the time, and it's equivalent with us. Pressures related to capitalism can make it worse, make burnout more likely, but we'd still have difficulties without it.

“autism wouldn’t have been difficult before capitalism” “nothing that caused me burnout existed before industrialization” well what if your boots feel weird against your skin. and your cape is itchy and too heavy. and your brooch keeps making an annoying sound everytime you move and this party is too loud and you’re hungry and there’s pigeon stew but you can’t stand the texture of pigeon so you ate some olives and now your hands feel oily and gross and you drank a little bit too much wine (bc there’s no clear water. also it was too bitter) so now your head hurts and you feel a little hot but not hot enough to take your cape off and you promised this time we leave when I asked, Aurelius! you promised! and don’t forget we still have a three hour ride back home you promised it’s not going to be like last time! or something of the sort.

[copperbadge]

Just in case you haven’t stumbled across this fact elsewhere, you should be aware that pharmacies are often out of adderall and it has nothing to do with the pandemic. Or, at least, it USUALLY has nothing to do with the pandemic.

My understand is that there are multiple and fluctuating reasons for this, all stemming from the fact that the drug is highly regulated, and—yes—all of them at the expense of the people who actually need the meds. That said, the most consistent explanation I’ve received from more than one pharmacist over the years is that they’re limited in the number they can actually stock at a time, and demand exceeds that quota.

Yes, this is rage inducing. It’s also been a problem since the early aughts and I don’t see it going away, though it’s improved somewhat.

I recommend talking to your pharmacist and finding out whether this is a consistent problem at your pharmacy specifically. It can also help to have your psychologist reach out to your pharmacy ahead of time and confirm the meds are available—if not, there may be a generic available that they can prescribe instead. You can also see whether it’s possible to get your prescription a few days early, just in case.

Yeah there are some yikesy stories in my comments about access to Adderall and the other stimulant-side drugs for ADHD. It does seem to be a combination of "can't stock much at once" and "can't refill your prescription for you until two days before it needs it" and "But so like...are you an addict?" It's the typical bar to entry that people with disabilities face getting medication -- which I was prepared for, given I know people who struggle to get their meds each month and I've handled a lot of RFM issues surrounding them as well. I was honestly braced to spend several days getting that initial prescription filled, I was shocked when it just...went through.

In multiple ways I'm fortunate -- I don't face physical access issues, and I've spent long enough without the meds that I'm capable of wrangling the prescription without having to be ON the prescription. Like, I was actually able to fairly easily call the pharmacy about the length of delay, and that seemed to spur them into locating at least sixty of the little blue fuckers. I am also a middle class white guy in my forties, so I don’t get profiled as drug-seeking. 

I've booked out my psych appointments so that I'll generally see him on day 32 of a 30 day prescription, and my diagnosis is mild enough that there are days where I feel the meds wearing off and go "Well, I'm ok without the second dose" so even my first 30-day supply lasted me 40 days. Next session I may speak to him about the automated mailed-to-home service that his clinic is partnered with and if that would simplify matters -- a genuine question given the recent scandals about some of those services overprescribing.

The most common thing I've heard -- here and from other people outside of tumblr -- is that a lot of people have convinced their prescriber that they need a slightly higher dose than they do, so they can get a 30-day supply of 20mg doses and split them, thus turning it into a 60-day supply of their actual dose which they can stockpile. Which is ripe for a satirical novel of some kind, because while none of the people I'm talking to are addicts, they're forced to behave like addicts in order to maintain a consistent supply of a necessary disability aid. I don't think I'm the one to write it -- at any rate, not yet -- but there's content in the idea of our cultural fear of addiction being so epic and hallucinatory that we actually force people into addictive behaviors because you can't exist as a disabled person within the letter of the law.

[aro-culture-is]

I accepted my asexuality pretty quickly. The country i live in sees the topic of sex as taboo and its never talked about. NEVER. Its toxic and bad but meh, its the culture. Maybe the reason i never had a problem with it was becauss im asexual.

But realising i might be aro is not. Im struggling with internalized arophobia. Im having identity crisis and existential crisis. And ive heard being aro/ace can be due to trauma? Is that real? Because if it is, lots of things start to make sense about me. Aplatonic aros? Is that a thing too? Ive always felt unfit. Never wanted a friend but seeing everyone in a group or with someone made me feel unworthy and broken from a young age. I don't want a traditional family and i feel like the one i currently am in would've gotten rid of me a long time ago if they could. My dad never kept it a secret how he disliked us, i know my mom sees me as a failure even tho she reassures me, and my brother's world is totally different from me. The few friends i managed to keep throughout the years either gotten on with their lives or found better people. What's the point of living then? Am i even human? How are other aros doing it? Am i aro or just a really shitty person who lost faith in love a long time ago? I need help

hi,

for one, yes - being a-spec can be due to trauma. There's even a microlabel for being aro (caedromantic) or ace (caedsexual) due to trauma.

aplatonic (apl) aros are absolutely a thing!

I'm so very sorry that you've had such a terrible experience with your family. Coming from an emotionally abusive household, I know how much it can completely change how you interact with others. If it is available and mental health services are okay in your country, I'd really recommend seeing a therapist. Even if you don't discuss aromanticism, asexuality, or aplatonicism, it's worth discussing with a professional about the ways you have been affected by the trauma of a family that never seems to accept you.

speaking again as a traumatized individual - as i've worked on my mental health, accepting my trauma, and moving forwards from my trauma, I personally have only grown more capable of accepting myself as aromantic and aplatonic-spectrum. I've learned that my life is my own; I can define what makes me happy in life and seek that, even if others will never understand.

I don't enjoy romantic relationships or living with others - so for me, my ideal future involves planning around living alone and what makes me happiest within that framework. I've considered that I do still get lonely, and that I'd love to have a cat - probably two, since some research seems to indicate cats generally are better adjusted when there are two.

I've thought about how I use my time - I'm disabled and in literal, full-body physical pain 24/7. Going places is an activity that requires me to plan recovery time, so I work especially hard to make my daily living comfortable. I'm currently working on finding little ways to make my life easier - putting meds, food, and water within easy reach of my bed and desk, for example - and learning to allow myself to enjoy those little things.

There's a certain amount of childish glee I'm learning to allow myself to enjoy from small activities. Those, for me, are a primary set of reasons to live. I enjoy my lotions, I eat breakfast for every meal, I lipsync in my bathroom mirror and giggle at my expressions. I learn to live as myself and I learn to see the small joys in it.

This isn't to suggest you aren't trying hard enough to find those joys! I don't think I truly could have done this without anti-depressants, therapy, and supportive friends (friendship is... complicated for me). You will have your own path forwards. I promise that with time and practice, things get better. It's rarely a sudden moment of change. It's often a sensation of taking a deep breath, saying to yourself "I am allowed to feel this way, and I am allowed to do what helps me feel better", and learning to comfort yourself. It's like seeing an echo of your younger self desperately trying not to cry, and realizing that they still exist within you, and you are now also the adult comforting that child, parenting yourself through things your parents never prepared you for.

I really, really hope things improve for you. You deserve to enjoy life. You deserve to not hurt.