evanoxvt - Tumblr blog

evanoxvt · 26 days ago

Text

❤️‍🩹Surviving the darkness, celebrating my life, and stepping into the future~❤️‍🩹

Warning #1

This post will contain content that is not suitable for all readers. Please take some time to seek out help resources if you are in need of them, or if you require them at any time while reading this.

Helplines and resources:

Suicide hotline: 988

Crisis Text Line: Text MHA to 741741

Sexual Assault Hotline: 1 800 656 4673

Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1 800 799 7233

LGBT+ Abuse Hotline: 1 888 843 4564

National Hotline Website: (linked below)

Warning #2

So... Today is the day we talk about this. I want to give everyone a fair and harsh warning because I don't know how far I will go with telling this story from my life. But the warning will be here because I may delve into the big bad topics. These topics may include things like sexual assault, death/near death, coercion, depression, eating disorders, and honestly I don't even know what other warnings to potentially give. Please make sure that prior to reading this that you are mentally stable, OR able to be with a loved one for support. Again I do not know how far into this I will be diving, but it might get pretty deep and my goal with this is not to focus on the bad, but to recognize the struggles I went through, and the fact that I was able to make it home alive, and relatively safe. No, I was not safe nor okay when I got back, but I was physically away from the situation, and therefore safe from FURTHER HARM.

Again, there are several helplines listed on the top of this post, please utilize them if you find yourself needing them at any point during this post.

THE ACTUAL BEGINNING IS HERE

So, you guys may see this on the top of my throne the past few days. I'm sure many people are wondering what this is all about.

[Image is a blue box with the words 'evanoxvtube is happy she made it home alive from a tragedy tomorrow!' in white type/text.]

This is referring to the day I made it home, alive, after being raped for over half a month in another state. That's alot to take in, so I'm going to say it again, in another way. On December 29th, a few years ago, I landed in my home state's airport, alive, and this event on my throne is to celebrate the fact that I am here today, still alive and as well as I can be.

You might be wondering 'what happened', 'how could this happen', or even 'why didn't I get home sooner'? The thing is, those answers aren't as simple as the statement 'I was raped'. There was SO MUCH MORE that happened than that. I nearly died a number of times, I was guilt tripped, coerced, manipulated, given the illusion of 'the grass is greener on this side', and many more things by the man who assaulted me. To make matters worse, I was an easy target for predators, and this one happened to have experience in doing this and getting away with it.

Some people don't know, but there are risk factors that make you a MUCH EASIER TARGET and MUCH MORE LIKELY TO BE TARGETED, and I happened to fulfill many of those factors.

Firstly, I am an autistic adult. At the time I was much more naïve than I am now. I also do not process thing as quickly as others. So when people ask me to make a quick judgement call after confusing me, I struggle to make that call at all, let alone quickly. I also have delayed processing input for MANY different things, from emotions to functional data, and honestly anything that you may need to think about. It takes me days, weeks, months, or even years to process some things, and this makes me an easy mark.

I also have ADHD, and again, at that time I was much more naïve than I am now. I was easily distractable, especially if it distracted me from anything emotional, physically painful, or frustrating to deal with. It did not take much at that time to distract me from things right in front of my face (and is how I missed MANY OF THE RED FLAGS).

Next up on the serving platter is my Multiple Sclerosis. I was recently diagnosed with MS at the time, and was so overwhelmed by my physical health issues that I literally just wanted my most basic needs met, and coincidentally most of them were not being met at the time.

I live in an abusive household, and as much as people tell you not to victim blame others for what happened to you, the people around me have a huge and direct impact on my mental, emotional, and physical health. So much so that they have not once, or twice, but SEVERAL TIMES caused me to be in the mental state that makes you the most susceptible to people who are trying to paint a perfect illusion to you, like the predator whom was after me. They have directly caused me to be in this state SEVERAL TIMES. So while it is not their fault that I was raped, they did play a huge role in how I got to the point in time where said person could physically rape me.

Additionally, my MS is not the only health issue I have, and many of them are still not being properly treated for TO THIS DAY because of the issues in the medical system, since long before my birth and going through the present day.

All these things together made me an easy mark. However, to make matters worse, the predator has a history of S.A., and knows what he was doing, and how to avoid going to jail for this. So, I'll let you know in advance, that he was never sent to jail for raping me.

I really am not comfortable at this time going into details of things he said or did to make me come over to his state, but it was portrayed as a safe place. The house I was staying at had two other females, a MINOR and an elderly lady. The room I was staying in had a lock, and he was not going to stay in the room with me. This is just the part he used to portray safety. BUT, as myself and MANY OTHER WOMEN have found out from their own experiences being S.A.'d, other women present don't always mean safety. Often, especially with repeat offenders, this is used to create the illusionary feeling of 'safety'.

So, a flight was booked and I went out there. I nearly died MULTIPLE TIMES while I was physically there, and once on the 28th my way home. Reminder that the dates are the 28th and 29th because I left homebound on one day, but did not make it home until the following day.

He forced things on me, he would guilt trip me and used coercion to make me do things, his own parent guilt tripped me that if I 'didn't keep him happy, and he committed suicide, that it would be [my] fault.'. He used physical force to make me do and say things, and it goes on and on. There is no nice way to put it, but if you are forced in any way to say yes, then its not real consent and FROM THE MOMENT I GOT THERE HE PUSHED AND PUSHED BOUNDARIES I PLACED, IGNORED THEM, AND FORCED ME TO GIVE CONSENT EVEN AFTER I HAD ALREADY SAID NO. This trip was around 18 days, and I was raped within/ less than the first 24 hours of being there. I was raped SEVERAL TIMES A DAY, EVERY DAY. I was locked in a room being raped unless I was attending one of his family functions, as it was Christmas time. I was not permitted to use my phone without him being in the room. I wasn't permitted to use my laptop unless he could see the screen. He would lock my belongings in his room anytime we ate meals or were out of the house. He would severely question me EVERY SINGLE TIME I WENT TO THE BATHROOM, despite knowing I have bladder dysfunction issues since birth, and while having my phone IN HIS POSSESSION. I could not leave that room without his assistance to UNLOCK the door, and vice versa, could not enter it without him and his key. I had exactly one opportunity to call the cops. This was early in the trip and I literally was not left alone for long enough to actually go through with it, had I had enough time to think about everything up until that point. But, as you probably guessed, I did not have enough time to process my thought, I did not have enough time to dial the number, and I did not know the local police number anyways and he would have likely found out had I attempted to call 911, which again, I did not have enough time to process my thought of possibly wanting to call the police.

One thing that saved my life early on was my sister. She and my dad had access to my real-time location as long as I had my cell phone on me. She called me, and in a joking manner asked if I was alive. Now, I cannot explain how it was a joke, because that requires a ton of context to our relationship and my health issues throughout my entire life. BUT, while she was joking, she was being half serious. She noticed my phone indicated I was at a type of establishment I would not go to, however the irony is that I was in a pizza shop right across the street and the app thought I was at the other establishment. This is what prompted my sister to call me. And this call is one of the reasons I am alive today. When he heard her ask if I was alive, he got very visibly upset and angry in the hotel room we were in that night. When looking back, with all the context I have of the situation, and with all the things he did that night (such as ask me to drink and pressured me into getting drunk and trying to force me to do things I EVEN MORE THINGS that I didn't want to do than usual, AND tried to insist that I 'should want to get pregnant with his child' so that I would never need to go home, etc), it was evident after the fact that his plan was to get rid of me if I wouldn't become his puppet easily. This was only a few nights into the trip. It only got worse from there.

He tried to get me drunk (he successfully did on multiple occasions), he tried to get me high (he was unsuccessful due to only having access to drugs while OUT OF THE STATE at another person's dwelling), he tried to force me to eat foods I did not like and to avoid foods I was fond of. He became violent with the minor in the house and used fear tactics to make me less likely to reject him. There were so many things that happened. So, SO many things...

I mentioned fear tactics, and this is a fancy word for using the fear he would harm me similarly or worse than he did to the other person he harmed in front of me.

This is where you hit another time I nearly died. He held the back of my neck with an increasingly tight grip and it became difficult to breathe if I did not turn the direction he was forcing me to turn. He used the fear from that night to further force me to do things that made me instantly sick to my stomach, all the while he was physically forcing me into a state of such fatigue I spent most of the time I was there being raped or passed out from fatigue. I was barely conscious many of the times he raped me, and honestly given the fact he would wake me up to force me to consent, make me wonder if he also raped me while I was asleep. It's not like I could leave the room without him opening the door even if I woke up while he did, and saying as I did pass out in the middle of it several times I wouldn't know how long he continued for prior to waking me up.

There is so much more that happened, but honestly, it's about time we get to the positive side of this story, because I'm about to break from thinking about all of this.

I have friends whom are supporting me right now as I write this, and I appreciate them being on standby and checking in on me as I go through this again.

So, let's move on to the day I nearly died getting home, and how I am so glad to still be alive and here with you all.

On the day I wat to return home, there were some severe weather issues which delayed my plane several times. I hadn't processed my emotions of the time back then, but I had this pit in the bottom of my stomach that was telling me to go home. To go be at home. That no matter what, I was going to make it home. No matter what I had to do, I was going home. NO MATTER THE RISK. This is where the problem happened.

My first plane landed, and I had to SPRINT ACROSS one of the largest airports I have ever been too, and the trolly broke down, making it a very long run/speed walk. I was lucky that it was in the same terminal because otherwise I wouldn't have made it.

I went as far as I could, I couldn't breathe, I nearly couldn't see. Everything was very blurry and black and everything was a muffled yet OH SO LOUD high pitched sound. I know these signs to be similar to my current day presyncope. I know I nearly passed out. I hit the point where I did not care if I lived or died, but I was going to get on the plane even if it killed me.

After that plane ride I ended up at the next airport and was able to navigate my way into the following plane, despite the SEVERAL gate changes that occurred between my arrival at said airport and the actual boarding of my plane. I once again was having those symptoms, I couldn't breathe even after using my inhaler, I was having very spotty and darked out vision, and everything was so bright (the lights were) and loud, despite the fact I couldn't understand a single sound I heard. The difference between this time and the previous time was that at the 2nd airport (after getting off the first plane), I was sprinting & speed walking a great distance, versus at this third airport (where the 2nd plane landed), I had long periods between moving and didn't walk far because I refused to change terminals until the airport staff was sure the gate was in the other terminal (it changed back and forth several times and changed gates each time it came back to the terminal I stayed in). So, unlike the first time I had these symptoms, this time I was barely moving.

I eventually was able to get onto my third plane, which took me to my final destination, my homebound airport. I cried in the truck when my dad picked me up. I don't remember saying much at all, but I wasn't okay. I didn't know it yet, but I really wasn't okay.

I got home, and Town Crier knew from the moment I stepped in the door that I wasn't okay. She knew that I went through something terrible, and I had only just gotten home.

About a week later I got one of my January infusions. While I was chatting with the nurse about how stressful that flight home was, she expressed to me that I was lucky to be alive. There was no mention of me having been raped or the trip, only the flights home. She lightly explained how dangerous it is to be in a state where you cannot breathe for SEVERAL MINUTES, let alone to continue walking despite being in that condition, and to have that happen again without movement, let alone such a short period of time after the initial onset of those symptoms. To put it lightly, she directly told me I was lucky to be alive and scolded me for walking on despite the condition I was in, especially if my inhaler DID NOT HELP.

I still go between consciously recognizing the danger I was in, and not recognizing the danger I was in at all, due to those symptoms. This is part of the PTSD that resulted from this trip. When I am fully conscious and aware of the danger, it brings up memories from that trip which cause me significant emotional and mental distress. This is why I don't talk about it much. I will lightly indicate or say that I was raped but I rarely go into details about it. It was one of the toughest times of my life, I nearly died several times, and is very hard to live with.

All of that said, if you see this event on my throne, it is to remind me that I made it home alive, and that I had such a strong desire to live it almost did me in, but despite that I am still here today with so many people around me who care about me, who love me, and who answer that phone call when I need to cry about it.

Thanks to multiple family members who were there when I needed them, thanks to Town Crier who had my back before I even knew I needed it, and thanks to the friends I've made SINCE this happened, I am able to continue onwards.

I am so grateful to those that have helped me over the past few years as I still sort through my trauma and help me to become a happier person. I never thought I could see 'people' in a kind light ever again after I started on the very long adventure to slowly heal. BUT there you guys all were, as if you knew I was scared to even hope for happiness and kindness ever again.

And now, we know I can move forward through time. Now we know that it wasn't just my body that survived on that day. So when you see this even, do not cry about what happened to me, but help me smile because I am still here, breathing and alive. Help me to see the good things during the bad times. Help me regain trust in humanity.

Help me celebrate because I made it through one of the toughest things ever, and I want to move forward more each and ever year if at all possible.

One step at a time, and someday you will have traveled the whole wide world.

Now, for the dumbest thing I can do! Self promo! At any point in the year, whether happy or sad, for an event or for the hell of it, you can get me ANYTHING in my wishlist. I work really hard on sorting things into the different collections, and my goal for the end of 2024 and going into 2025 is to organize it EVEN MORE!!! So, you may find some collections empty as I work on it, but if you scroll to the bottom ones you will find the old categories I used, while the new ones will be in the top and middle!

That all said, I am Eva, and this is but one small piece of my story. Thank you for reading, thank you for caring, and thank you for also existing through your struggles.

#serious post #difficult conversations #mental health awareness #trauma #ptsd recovery #boundaries #dark truth #ptsd #kindness #autism #adhd #audhd #invisible disability #invisible illness #chronically ill #chronic illness #autoimmune #multiple sclerosis #service dog

1 note · View note