#when I woke up from my most recent surgery I was just. so bad at breathing.

[whumpacabra]

A character waking up in bed, groggy and confused. They keep trying to turn off the alarm clock beside them - not realizing they’re in a hospital, and the alarm is sounding because something is wrong.

[melon-fodder]

personal sappy sort of vent but not really? bnha melon origins under cut hahaha

Once upon a time at the start of the pandemic, I was getting back into writing fanfic thanks to bnha. I read some fics on this site, my introduction to ‘x reader’ and I thought to myself “ya know I have a lot of time on my hands, and these people look like they’re having a good time posting these stories, so I’m gonna try”.

And so I did. I wrote and posted a little mirio shot first, and then a shinsou shot, and then I wrote a soulmate AU for Aizawa that gained a little bit of attention followed by an endeavor fic that gained more.

And because it was the pandemic and everyone was online all the time, the engagement was high. My inbox was full of asks about those two, and I just got to talk and talk about them. I made mutuals. I made friends. I joined my first discord server. I kept writing.

@lady-lauren and I started DMing, going from writing to like life stories basically. The paragraphs we were sending back and forth lmao thinking about it makes me laugh. And she introduced me to Nyki, and we all just existed and created and consumed.

There was a lot of toxicity in the bnha fandom back then, though. I mean, there still is, but it was different back then somehow. I had my favorite characters, and Aizawa was a really big one, but I ended up sort of drifting. Or distanced myself, I guess. Because of another writer. The way that they created and interacted with fandom, with characters. It felt… weird to write for him while sharing a space.

Anyone close to me or who has been around for these almost 5 years (omg kill me) might have an inkling about what/who I’m referring to, so I do want to state that in no way was I told to stop writing for Aizawa or that I was bad at it or anything like that. That person actually liked my version of him and told me! So the whole feeling like I couldn’t write for him was entirely self-imposed.

Anyway, a lot of stuff happened that made it harder and harder to enjoy being a part of the bnha fandom on tumblr, including the passing of one of my best friends. I still found inspiration here and there, usually for nighteye, but I was mostly out of it. I even stopped keeping up with the manga after a while.

There’s just so much personal shit wrapped up in a series that’s already full of emotion. I haven’t felt equipped to deal with all of it

Until recently.

I don’t know what clicked tbh. I was at my mom’s recovering from surgery, and I just decided it was time. The epilogue was leaked or whatever and so many blogs that I used to see post every day woke up and started interacting again, even if it was just to comment on the leaks, and it got me so nostalgic and…

I don’t know. A lot of time has passed. A lot of people have come and gone. I feel like… it feels like I don’t have eyes on me anymore. For a long time when I was posting for bnha it just felt like people were watching me with less than good intentions. It’s one of the reasons I’ve switched blogs multiple times.

But I feel better now. I feel safe. I feel a lot more stable than I did back then. Those were kind of wild times on tumblr I do not think I would want to go back.

Except for in this one particular way which is to let myself fall back in love with the series that got me into anime as a whole, the series that got me writing again. The character that made me want to sit down and write again.

I have a few favorites from the series, but tbh I think Aizawa will always be the most special simply because he was my spark. He symbolizes so fucking much for me, and that sounds so dramatic, I know, but he is quite literally the character that got me on tumblr. He was my beginning, and then I felt like I couldn’t even enjoy him for years and it sucked and I just

I’m emotional. I just. Have a lot of feelings from over the span of 4 years that I’m trying to process.

tl;dr: if it wasn’t for bnha and Aizawa specifically I wouldn’t be on this site, and I am very happy to be creating for the series and his character again

[small-but-mighty]

Meet Mable!

I’ve been putting off telling this story because I wanted to focus on the other stories that these animals have to share. Anyways, my sister finally told me it’s an important one to share. So, meet Mable!

Mable is actually my bunny. She is a wonderful beautiful lionhead with just the right amount of “bunitude”. However, she hasn’t always had her luxurious long mane.

One day, one of the animal cruelty officers from work (the RISPCA) got word of a rabbit in rough condition posted on Craigslist. So, she went and investigated and ended up bringing the rabbit to our clinic for veterinary care. The little rabbit was in ROUGH condition. All four limbs were covered in urine scolding, and there was not an ounce of fat on the body, you could feel the bones. Just incase somebody who isn’t bunny savy is reading this, rabbits must always have a source of hay, this enables them to have the fiber required to keep their insides moving, if their digestive system were to stop, it very quickly can kill the rabbit. The little bunny brought to clinic, was on the verge of this happening. The small animal manager texted our team and said that this little bunny was coming into the shelter and that our vet was not sure she was going to make the weekend. I asked if our vet wanted me to take her, to at least pass on a home with love. What I thought was going to be a weekend just to give a little bun a home to pass, turned into the start of a long journey.

She survived the first weekend, and by then… she stole my heart. This little baby was only about three months old, and she had a fighting spirit. She was a bit shy about me, but she knew I was helping her, taking her meds like a champ, and chowing down on all the hay I could offer. I knew I couldn’t let her go. That Tuesday (it was a long weekend!) I brought her back to the clinic, it was time to start the process of finding out just how truly bad her legs were. This meant she had to be put under anesthesia. While under anesthesia the veterinarian was able to perform x-rays on her legs, which showed that the urine scolding on her legs (this was caused by her living in her own filth) was so bad, the infection went down to one of the bones. Great. We made the weekend, we woke up from anesthesia, but now we have to pray we can treat this infection. Or else she would have to become a little tripod. Now becoming a tripod would not have been the end of Mable’s story, I remember doing research about tripod rabbits, just incase! However, nobody wants to ambulate a bunny’s leg…..

So after removing all the dead skin from all four limbs, I was able to be there when Mable woke up from her anesthesia. It was no longer a mission to just survive, we were gonna heal now. For months, Mable wore cast like bandages on her legs and got antibiotics twice a day. These had to be changed twice a week by a vet. We started out with all 4 in casts, then we went to just her back legs, until it was just her one really bad leg. FINALLY, all four legs were free! The first time I ever saw this bunny binky, I almost cried! She was able to do that, because of the time, patience, talent, and dedication our team had.

She still wasn’t done yet though! There was still one more big procedure she had to make it through. Her spay! I will always advocate for spaying and neutering your bunny, but my goodness was I nervous! The little fighter has already gone through so much and she had to go through a surgery now! Of course she came through like it was nothing though.

I took Mable home on January 20th, 2023, and her official adoption day of when she was medically cleared was May 23,2023. So it was a very lengthy process of healing, my entire last semester of college actually.

Today, Mable is the most spoiled bunny! She has her own bed, so many toys and treats (including those that come in her monthly subscription box), and so many people that love her! She recently had her first yearly check up where she got a clean bill of health!

You can sometimes find Mable with me at the RISPCA, where we have told our story to kids at our humane education camp, and even to potential adopters or those who are trying to learn more about rabbits when they attend our bunny related events!

Mable is a huge part of my life and even though she is a tiny little gal, she really has shown both me and the world just how mighty she is. Next time you visit the RISPCA, look around the adoption areas and the smallie room, you may just find her picture around!

[evanpeterswifeyyy]

Absolutely random rant session about my fucked up sleep stuff

Does anyone else have constant nightmares or disturbing dreams?

Like, my only dreams I’ve ever had have always been either terrifying or deeply disturbing. And for the first few years I was definitely terrified in my dreams, but now it’s just a common occurrence and feels like a “yeah this is fine and normal” moment in my dreams. The only times I get the feeling it’s a nightmare is when it gets super weird and disturbing and then I have to force myself awake.

Does it even count as a nightmare if I’m not scared??

Idk how to explain this phenomenon but like I have so many strange dreams that reoccur in the same sort of way I can make categories for it

+ dreams where I’m being chased or running from something/ someone

+ dreams where my environment is rapidly changing

+dreams where I have multiple dreams back to back that are wildly different

+ dreams of body horror like I had a dream of someone i loved being covered in moss, another time they were a rotting corpse, sometimes it’s acne based, a lot of the time it’s me hiding from someone who’s literally about to die in horrific ways. (I recently had a dream where a woman got surgery and it all split open and it sickened me so bad I had to stay up for an hour before I could fall back asleep at like 3 am)

+dreams where I die

+an amalgamation of all that

I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever had a “good” dream.

Like most ppl have dreams about going to work, being embarrassed, finding the love of their lives, their teeth falling out, etc.

Mine is being in a jumbled up rubix cube of an environment where I’m at school, but it’s not my school visually, but one room is from my school and my school is also a hospital now and I have to go to class but oh someone is getting throwing up their guts and oh now I’m in my house and my mom who’s not really my mom is hunting me down and I have to run away through the woods that are near my house but I don’t have woods near my house and now I’m at a haunted house and being stalked by creepy dolls— and on and on and on.

Once I had a dream I was in a church chapel and it was like the 1600s and it was a church but also acted as like a courthouse and I was watching someone’s trial where they were getting sentenced to beheading and then it randomly flipped and I was pulled from the crowd as the offender somehow and I had the most realistic, terrifying feeling of actual death when I realized I was going to die and a blade came down and I didn’t feel any pain rlly but everything when black and my head dropped in the basket and I remember still being concious but everything was muffled and my brain was all fuzzy and then I woke up. I was genuinely so sick to my stomach after waking up. It’s hard to describe the feeling other than I literally felt what it feels like to accept death and it’s horrific.

I’m just curious if this happens to anyone else.

I haven’t tried anything to prevent these dreams, I kinda feel like I can’t anymore even if I did try everything in the book. It’s why I’ve been trying so hard to learn how to lucid dream because I want to be able to feel safe and comfortable when I’m in a dream. And like technically I do because when I’m in my dreams I’m usually like an entire separate person (whether I look like me or not) kinda like a video game. So it’s “normal” to me in the dream. But obviously, it’s not comfortable in the way I want it to be.

If anyone has any tips on how to calm down my dreams a least a little bit pls drop it in notes because I’m desperate atp.

Sorry for the random rant but I find dreams so fascinating in general and this has been bothering me for days because they always spike up sometimes and turn into actual nightmares and I’ve been getting that recently. I hope this was actually interesting to people who did read this atrocious yap session.

I see u and I appreciate u 🫶

I actually have tons of dreams I remember pretty well if anyone wants to hear me specifically talk about all my weird dreams. I do keep a dream journal but it’s not consistent at all and sometimes I’m either too tired to write down the dream or too terrified of it to recall so there are some I don’t remember at all or it’s hard for me to talk abt in detail.

Even describing some of them in text gives me chills.

[ashes-writing-corner]

Hey yall I'm back with the most recent update of Ghosts that We Knew! I have a feeling yall are really gonna like this one, but I won't spoil anything!

Trigger warnings for: death mention, near death experience, surgery mention, talk of organ transplant, and general angst from Simon!

Taglist: @stargatenovus

Ghosts that We Knew

Part 6- Nightmares, Jokes, and Revelations

Tubes. 

Wires. 

Sirens. 

Scalpels. 

These things and more haunted your dreams at times. For the last almost two years, your transplant and the news of your partner's death haunted you. Life had really given you a bad hand that year. Your partner was killed in action, and only a few months later you needed a transplant. 

You woke in a cold, heavy panic. The heart inside you beat hard, making your chest ache. You sat up, pushing the blankets down, which made you look at the top of the gnarled scar on your chest. It served as a reminder: someone had to die in order for you to live. 

You closed your eyes tightly and got up, swinging your legs over the edge of your bed with a deep sigh. You tried to calm it, the heart, but nothing seemed to work. You took a breath, held it, then slowly let it out as you started a list. 

"Aquarius…" you started, taking another breath. 

Hold. 

Release. 

"Aries…" you repeated the process, "cancer…Capricorn…Gemini…"

A few more breaths. "Leo…libra…taurus…"

Ghost watched you from the doorway, curious as to what you were doing. He was in full body mode at this point, sensing something was wrong. He figured out you were, attempting at least, to list the horoscopes in alphabetical order between deep breaths. 

"You forgot Sagittarius, love" his voice sounded so clear that you jumped up, turning to face him. 

This was only the second time you had seen him like this, the second time you had heard his voice. The heart inside you leapt at the sight and sound, but you didn't feel afraid. You knew Ghost would never hurt you, never ever. But still…

That odd Familiar feeling hit the back of your mind. You tried to shrug it off, thinking "yes I know him, he's the ghost that haunts my apartment". 

You stood and just looked in the large mirror on your dresser. You watched him come in from the doorway. You closed your eyes tightly as you heard the lamp on your nightstand click and turn on. 

"I forgot Pisces too…fuck…". 

"Hey, it's alright. You're okay-". 

"No I'm not" you cut him off, hardly caring in the moment if it was rude or not. 

Behind his mask, Ghost frowned. He grew worried, a part of him knowing the root of the problem, but he suppressed it. 

"Talk to me" he told you, sitting on the end of your bed.

You stayed quiet, hesitant to let anything out. Sure there were times when talking to him felt better than therapy but at the same time…there were things you wanted to say, but couldn't. 

"Love…I can't fix it if I don't-"

"This isn't something you can fix. No one can fix this" you sounded so damn defeated, much like he did in his last days. 

His frown deepened. "I can still try. Please talk to me, sweetheart". 

You hesitated still. For someone so imposing and intimidating, his voice was surprisingly soft and tender. It was a tad gruff, but also echoed in your ears not too unpleasantly. It reminded you just a little of your partner, whose picture was now in a new ebony frame on your dresser. 

"People have been telling me that I should be thankful to feel alive" you started, not looking at him, "but they don't get it. To lose your heart, even to something not your fault, like a disease or sickness like I had, it feels like I've lost what made me who I am…". 

You had talked about it in therapy before but saying it to Ghost felt different. It felt even more raw, more real. Your grip on your dresser tightened, your knuckles hurting. You ignored it. Behind you, Ghost stood from the bed to his full height, coming to the left side of your back. 

"I lost what made me special. I lost what my partner loved most about me…and everyone acts like it's nothing" you couldn't bring yourself to look at him, even if it was just in the mirror. 

"That's not true" Ghost told you, a cold hand hovering over yours, "may i?" He asked. 

You just nodded, and he took your hand as best he could. It felt like ice, yet…like a mist on your skin. He continued. 

"You still have it, love. What your partner loved about you, I mean. Believe me, there's a lot to love. You '' he hesitated a moment, hoping he wasn't crossing any lines, "you're a wonderful mother, a good friend, and an excellent baker. You're kind, generous, you care about people and you bring out the best in them. You see beauty and worth where a lot of folks don't. And even if it's not, you make it that way. And that's such a rare thing, love. Everything you want, from your own place to your little Cafe bakery thing…it should be yours. And if I could…I'd have given it all to you". 

"I wouldn't take it. I need to earn that" you retorted. 

"Love, you survived a debilitating illness that would've killed you without a donor, kept strong when you lost your partner, and survived moving to this hellhole. You deserve the world".

You went quiet for a moment. "It just doesn't…always feel like me. Sometimes, Ghost, I just…I don't want to be around anymore". 

You felt a tightening in your hand. 

"I never wanna hear you say that again" he replied with a growl in his tone. 

"But it's true! And most of the time I feel fine! I feel okay! But sometimes…it's just hard, you know?". 

He was quiet again, only slightly loosening his grip on you. 

"Sweetheart…look at me" he told you. 

You shook your head. You didn't want to face him. You didn't want him to see you like this. You weren't weak for feeling like this, you knew but…you had to hold everything together for so long. You couldn't break down, not like this. 

His cold hands went up both your arms, stopping at your shoulders. Your brain went foggy a little as you released the dresser and let him move you so you could face him. His gaze was intense, with a hint of sadness. He understood. Ghost took your hands and gently guided you back to bed, not even having to say anything. 

In that moment, he wasn't the ghost haunting your house. In his eyes, he wasn't Ghost. He was Simon, a man who once, a couple years ago, felt the same way as you did. Those feelings had consumed him and…

Simon shuddered internally. 

He has been a fool. A damn fool for doing what he had done…

Gently, he rested you against him, as best he could. His cold was an odd comfort as he stroked your hair from your face, laying your head on a pillow as he held you.

"A heart's a heavy burden, love. And it's hard enough when it's your own. It's even harder I imagine with someone else's". 

"Someone had to die in order for me to live…". 

"Don't think about it like that". 

"But it's true" you protested. 

"True as it may be, they didn't die because of you. They died FOR you. There's a difference, sweetheart. This…this wasn't your fault. You didn't choose this. And something tells me they didn't either. Did you ever…" Simon hesitated, "did you ever find out about your donor?". 

"No" you answered, "and I don't think I want to. It'll just make it feel worse for me. Like…make it feel even less like mine, if that makes sense". 

"Understandable. But maybe it could bring you some closure. Because lovely, organ donors volunteer to donate their stuff-". 

"I know but…I feel like they just threw mine away and…Ghost…I don't know what they replaced it with, but half the time it feels like…like a beating chunk of lead in my chest. The only reason I'm still here is that little girl asleep across the hall" you admitted sadly, "that's why I fought so hard. I knew that if I died, Ellie would be all alone in this world again. I couldn't do that to her…I have to keep going for her" your voice cracked, "she's all I've got, Ghost".

"And that's a great thing, darling. Whatever reason you have to hold on, that's the best one. You have a reason, and that's the best damn thing. It's okay to be upset, it's okay to feel like everything is different-". 

"My mom, my sister…they all wanted me to just go back to being normal when it was all said and done but I was never normal-"  

"Shhhh don't talk like that, lovey" Ghost whispered in your ear softly, "wanna know what I used to say about normal?". 

"You used to make corny jokes about it?". 

"I would if I knew how. But no, I used to tell those who'd bitch about normalcy to look at it in the dictionary. The dictionary defines normal as anything that isn't abnormal. And it's the other way around for abnormal. Y/N, darling, there's no such thing as normal. It's a stupid, senseless word. Being special or what the fuck ever is overrated in my opinion". 

"That's easy for you to say, you're a ghost" you replied with a slight laugh, "hearing you swear is pretty funny though". 

"I may be a ghost now but…I was a person once. Not too long ago actually. About two years ago". 

You blinked. "Wait, two years ago-"

"Shhhh…don't overthink it, love. Just listen. I was a person once, just like you. And I don't know why but people fail to realize that being a human being is just hard as hell. I always wondered why in the world we always have to be something. What's wrong with not knowing who or what you are or being spontaneous? I heard once that it doesn't matter how you were made or where you came from, but it's what you do with your life that determines who you are". 

You burst out laughing. "You just quoted mewtwo from pokemon".

He was happy you caught on to that. "I did". 

"Didn't take you for a pokemon fan". 

"I wasn't but that was a damn good quote" . 

Your laugh died down a little to a soft giggle. "Might have to change that. We love pokemon in this household". 

He snorted. "Good luck". 

For a dead man, he had never felt so alive as he did in this moment. Laying here with you, only the lamp on while you both laughed about ridiculous things. 

"Hey…I heard your impression of an owl sucks" you said randomly. 

"What?" The statement threw Simon for a loop. 

"Oh my God it really is terrible" you grinned and then laughed a bit. 

It took him a minute. "Fuck…you got me with one". 

"Oh c'mon that was funny". 

Behind the mask, he raised a brow. "I suppose it was". 

"Cmon, tell me a joke". 

"Only if you bake me more muffins in the morning". 

"Blueberry?" You asked. 

"Chocolate actually". 

"Hm…I think that can be arranged. Now c'mon tell me a joke". 

"Okay…why are ghosts terrible liars?". 

"Why?". 

"Because everyone can see right through them". 

You laughed like it was the funniest damn thing. Honestly it was a wonder for him to see and hear. 

"It's so lame but I love it…I'm just easily amused, I'm sorry". 

"Nothing wrong with that. Now it's time for you to get some sleep" he pulled the covers carefully over you. 

"Do I have to?" You asked, almost like a little kid. 

"You have a big day tomorrow, looking to finally get your Cafe and all that. You need all the rest you can get" he moved to sit next to you in bed. 

"We're just gonna be looking at the place. What if…what if I miss you?" You asked, looking the ghost in the eyes. 

"I'll stay til you're asleep, love. But this took a lot out of me. I need a bucket load of energy to be able to do this". 

"And if I have another nightmare?". 

He put his hand over yours again. "Then I'll be there to chase it away. Get some rest, sweetheart". 

His touch was cold and yet soothing in an odd way. It was a literal cold comfort. Slowly you closed your eyes and started to fall asleep. When Simon was sure you were asleep, he carefully moved the blanket down to peer at your chest. Not in a dirty way, but he needed confirmation about something. 

There was no way. You were already living in his home, the one he died in. There was no way…no chance in hell…

But he had to know. 

Silent as a shadow, he pulled your shirt down a little to look at the dark massive scar on your chest. Carefully, he set his own hand over it, determined yet nervous to feel the heart beating inside. 

Simon knew this was wrong. He shouldn't have been touching you like this without your knowledge or consent. But he needed to know the truth. 

And in a few beats, he had his answer. 

"Fucking hell…Simon Vincent Riley what the actual fuck have you done to this poor girl?". 

He knew his own heartbeat when he felt it. 

He was your donor. The one you refused to know about. Simon didn't really think of where his parts would end up going, but there was something surreal about this. He always thought his parts would go to some poor saps who needed it. Saps he'd never know. 

But You…you were living in HIS apartment with HIS heart in your chest. It was HIS fault you felt like you lost what was most special about you. Sure being special was overrated but…no one deserved to feel like he did. You didn't deserve to feel like that. 

Simon thought he had done the right thing by being an organ donor. But his manner of death, the feelings that had taken him over in his last moments, that was a burden you now carried.

 A heart, his heart, was a heavy burden that had destroyed him.

And he knew that he'd throw himself into the darkest, deepest depths of hell before he let it do the same to you and Ellie…

If you guys enjoyed please consider liking, following, commenting (with either comments, tags, or both) and please reblog! I love when folks do that ^.^ thank you so much for your continued support and I hope you have a wonderful day/evening! ^.^

[bittertarot]

Hello, I hope you are doing well, you are having a good rest and recovery of energy. Can I ask you if you have any advice on how to know if you are dreaming about your fs or is it someone random?

In context, I started dreaming about this boy that I don't know having a romantic relationship, but it's complicated, in the first dream we had a very loving relationship, everything was very tender, sweet and I really felt in love with him, we even had a business together , in the second dream it was also something similar, thanks to that dream I learned to write his name in his native language and in that dream he was my fiancé, but unlike my first and second dream, the most recent dreams have been a bit more dramatic and it's like "I like to watch dramas, not live them 😭", there was a time where I liked another boy and I dreamed about the one from my previous dreams (boy 1) and the one I liked (boy 2), the dream was like you mentioned "pick 1, lose 1", in my dream I picked boy 2, and I had to apologize to boy 1, but when I woke up I could remember his sad face when I told him I picked boy 2 and the way he had taken care of me in the dream, so after that dream I stopped liking boy 2, now he just makes me confused?

In your case I think it's impressive because at least you know that you should avoid clubs haha, by the way, even if the romantic world is difficult, I still believe that everyone deserves to have a good and reciprocated love, I'm sorry that you had to having a bad romance with Y (no one wants you here Y!), I also hope you are loved the way you deserve.

Btw, I hope you are well and that it will be a very good year for you!

I hope that if I also become a successful businesswoman, we can be friends one day (I'm too embarrassed to send you a message). Thank you if you read this 🫶

Let's live a comfortable and happy life, Freya!!!

Hi! Thank you so much, I'm trying to build up a routine in order to recover quickly! Hmm.. advice. Alright, I'll give it a go! It might not make sense, since there's a lot to it. For the past few months-nearly a year, I have been dreaming about my FS. I didn't realise these dreams were of my FS till recently. He had this familiarity to him, a smell that made me feel intoxicated?? My heart would beat soso fast. I assumed he was just a manifestation of my thoughts. When the dreams began, I was in a lonely place - dealing with frequent issues at home that are still somewhat ongoing. I won't be going into too much depth, but I'll provide some background information. I come from a decently wealthy household, we aren't billionaires, famous, etc. We just have generations of accumulated money from lucky real estate investments, that's all. A lot of the issues stem from wealth. Seeing this man hold me close to him, telling me I was so pretty when I debated getting plastic surgery, etc. I thought it was just my desires of wanting to receive love and wanting to be allowed to express my emotions freely. He would often encourage me and give me strength. Whenever I asked him if he could remove whatever was stopping me from seeing his face, he'd shake his head and the dream would abruptly end. I felt so drawn to him, like he was just pulling me into his world - his smiles, his laughter. I felt so included that it made me cry whenever I woke up, thinking that dream that felt so real was merely a manifestation of my desires within my dreams. Soon, I started hearing his voice randomly within my day-day life? I thought I was having a psychotic episode and everyone around me assumed so, too. I took medication but nothing, absolutely nothing, could stop it or even lessen it. I'd sometimes feel lonely, sitting in my room quietly, having a tough time and would suddenly feel chills down my spine. Those chills felt comforting, though? Like someone rubbing my back up and down or back-hugging me, to give me comfort. This is when I got HEAVILY involved with tarot and just assumed it was a spirit guide or something comforting me. I'm shaking just typing this, since I truly felt like I was having a psychotic episode. That I was not "normal". It sucked. I still occasionally think like that, that I'm making all this up, it's all bullshit, it's just a wishful dream, etc. I'm working on improving my mindset, though. My dreams proceeded on, always starting the same way - with me waking up in bed, getting served breakfast by him. Each day, a new thing was cooked. Eventually, in one of my dreams, he proposed and we held a grand wedding. I never dreamt of the wedding, though? In the next dream, there were photographs of it all around the apartment, him clinging onto my waist, telling me to not go to work, to just stay with him, to reconsider and actually have a honeymoon, etc.

Within those dreams, he would often talk about the "past", how we met (at a club; he stopped some creepy men from approaching me and pretended to be my boyfriend to stop me from getting dragged off, I was too drunk that night and we had a ONS. I ran the next morning, I felt so guilty since I had a boyfriend at the time apparently?? My guilt eventually won, with love interest #2 aka dream me's current boyfriend eventually finding out, since my FS was love interest #2's friend?? I apologised greatly. He forgave me, but would purposefully show me off to my FS to stir up jealousy, causing a massive rift in their friendship. Eventually, I broke up with love interest #2 and do not know the reason why?? I tried burying myself with my business, avoiding them both. They both went to great lengths to pursue me. Eventually, I dated my FS and chose him over love interest #2.) This discussion about "the past" was what led me to the conclusion of avoiding nightclubs + my natal chart and my friends tarot readings both saying that I could meet him at a club.

I dreamt about having a bunch of tiny toddler children. Around 6-7. I was incredibly cold towards my children, though?? The weird thing about these dreams is; I could never really control my actions. I did things that my thoughts didn't line up with. Whatever I thought didn't come out as words and instead dream me seemed to already have a decided fate. It felt too "fateful" to just be a simple "subconscious manifestation". In my dreams, whenever I was upset, cold towards anyone, having a tough today - it was always love interest #1 who cheered me up. My intuition immediately recognised that this man is 100% who I'll be spending the rest of my life with. I have tried to ask the tarot cards so many times if I can avoid this fate, but I cannot. That man is who I am bound to love, whether I try to avoid it or not. Even though I have mixed feelings about him, I still have a shy smile whilst writing all this LMAOOO Writing part 2 as a follow up since Tumblr won't let me post if I write too much LMAO

[space-helen]

There's a guy that comes into my work now and then and he's always so polite and refers to me as ma'am which I just automatically find endearing because sir I am only 25 I don't feel like I am qualified to be referred to as ma'am lol also its just not commonly said in my country like at all. One day when he was leaving he tipped his hat at me and said goodbye ma'am and oh my heaven above it was so old timey and cute and i love old Hollywood and dressing vintage and all that jazz so the hat tip really did me in

Anyway I forgot about that because it was months and months ago, well anyway he came back in recently and was still just being all polite and throwing the ma'ams out. And then I realised oh it's hat guy! and tbh i have crappy self confidence and I shit you not I couldn't even look at him, I was just typing away getting the info he needed and trying not to blush, on the freaking way out this guy does the thank you ma'am and then just as he was going through the door he turned and went you're gorgeous by the way. I am so glad he was leaving when he said that because I had to duck behind my computer screen I could not stop smiling I was legit swooning like what!? But yeah my lack of self confidence I convinced myself that somehow he could sense my insecurity and he just said that to be nice and boost my self esteem just being a nice dude like there's no way he meant it

Helennnnn he came back again and asked me out and I said no even though I really really wanted to say yes. I do not like my appearance to the point where I am saving for cosmetic surgery and have been on consultations with two surgeons. I was never planning on dating being an option for me (was mentally ill in my younger years and thought I wouldn't make it to this age). I have acne scars and I never leave the house without makeup like I can't. There's also the fact that all I do is work, go for a walk, come home and rot on tumblr for hours because I had accepted that that's good enough for me I'll do my job and spend time with my family and get my social and relationship fullments through fics 🤣 So I have no real hobbies and no personality so not only would I be soo so insecure about how I look but I wouldn't even have anything to say I wouldn't even be able to talk to him. So I had to turn him down even though I seriously didn't want to but like how can I even attempt to go on one single date when I'm not even comfortable with myself 😢 I do kind of envy the past generations when it comes to dating like my mum was married and had me by the age I am now and all I have is tumblr. I'm now convinced I'll never find anyone again because I went and said no to someone I actually liked because I don't like myself 🙃 😭

So I read this as soon as I woke up this morning and I've been thinking about it all day. First of all I'm super sorry you feel like this - these emotions are THE WORST and I know those words won't fix everything, or even anything, but I get it. Putting the rest under the cut so people on tumblr don't get mad.

This guy sounds really lovely and as you day, endearing. I love that he asked you out on a date and that's super positive!! He seems like such a gentleman/cutie.

I get why you rejected his offer. I 1000% get it. I also self sabotage a lot like you. I grew up bigger than everyone else both height and weight wise, I also had acne/spots from the age of like 8. I got bullied so much because of it all the way through school and man, it sticks. I've always been looking for love but when it actually comes to asking someone out? I just don't do it because I don't think I'm worthy of it at all. When someone shows interest (not that it happens often) I always deny it because I can't possibly see how anyone would fine me attractive. Yeah somedays I think, damn I look good and will take some photos. But it comes in waves. Most of last year I was ok and had more good days with my body image than bad. This year? the amount of times I don't like myself has increased.

I'm really really sorry you feel similar, I know it's not entirely the same but I get some of what you're feeling. Hopefully he comes back in and you can have a little conversation - I'm not saying apologise, don't do that for now, but try and spark up normal, friendly conversation if circumstances allow. Just to show that you don't dislike the guy and then maybe one day when you're feeling confident he can ask again or you can ask him. If that doesn't happen? That's also ok too! Absolutely no pressure.

I know this post isn't enough to address everything but I do want to say thank you for trusting me/putting this in my ask box. If you want to message me about it please do!! I'm always happy to chat

[im-sorry-i-ate-your-pasta]

Updates 11, 12, + 13: 5/13/24

8:00 AM 5/13/24

Yesterday, I did a bunch of things that I hoped would help me lucid dream and remember it well, to meet Mr.Tophat personally. I did a spell jar, lit some incense, and activated a few sigils. However, last night at 2:17 AM, I woke up. I felt odd, and have been feeling so since then. (Edit - 3:31 PM I still feel kind of strange.) I can only describe it as calm, but like I'm being forced to be calm, like how when you get a surgery and they put a mask over your face, and the gas forces you to relax. I remember thinking about what happened, but only seconds later, forgot what happened. Still, I can only remember the memory of remembering that it even happened (that's a mouthful, damn). I know something came to me, either Mr.Tophat or Jack, I don't remember who, though. S thinks it was Mr.Tophat, but that doesn't make sense to me, because it feels like whatever was there is trying to make me forget. Normally, I remember dreams in detail for at least a few hours, but that's not the case here. I think Jack (disguised as Mr.Tophat) was trying to harm me, but realized because of my protection sigils, he couldn't while I was in my room, and tried to make me forget it happened. There have been instances of him manipulating dreams, too. Before S and I got together, (I think I wrote this instance down in my blog, though I'm unsure) Jack was able to enter S's dream, illustrating him using me as a puppet to try and kill her. We brought this back up Saturday night, (5/11/24) and after some thinking, we both think this was a tactic Jack was using to get S to not trust me. On Saturday night, we also both talked about how we think us being a duo somehow repels certain things and makes us less vulnerable to them. Nothing bad has happened to either of us in the spiritual sense since we've been dating. I think it's because we made each other stronger, both as people and spiritually. Also, S describes feeling similar to how I do, and she also said that she had the same dream as me about 2 hours later. Except she said she feels "light." Not to mention, she put her protection runes outside her house, not in her room like me, which makes me think that Jack was able to get to her. She's coming over later tonight, so I'll do what I can for her, and update later. I would also like to mention the fact that she has gotten sick from investigating this sort of thing. Also another thing, we can no longer go to the docks (for personal reasons) and cannot visit the girl in white anymore. If this is the first post you're seeing, I have parts 1-10 as my last post in my blog, as I have recently started using Tumblr over Spacehey and Reddit (my Reddit posts were taken down.)

12:50 PM

S told me she was feeling sick, I think it's because of the paranormal stuff. The only reason I think that is because this woman does NOT get sick ever, and she has a history of getting sick for little to no reason when we're getting involved in the paranormal. I don't know why this happens actually, I used to think that it was her "sixth sense" and using it that drained her a lot, causing her to be sick, but she doesn't currently have that, so what could be the reason? Although last time she was bedridden for three days, and now she just feels icky. Maybe her "sixth sense" is still there, just weakened? Like I said, she wasn't able to use it after we started dating. Who knows, really. I'm currently working on drawing/painting Jack and the girl in white, I will post those when I finish, likely around 7 or 10 PM tonight.

3:51 PM

S is over at my house, I don't know if she was just sick or if it really was the spooky stuff, but she feels better now. Will most likely update tonight.

[babithyn]

august 27th, 2023

tw~ ed/mental health/rant

Its been a while… im currently 31weeks pregnant. this pregnancy has been extremely difficult.

Ive had a lot of stuff happen within the past four months. I moved in with my boyfriend. I got put on medical leave from work. My cars engine flooded. My mental health plummeted. My ED has reared its ugly head. Its just been a lot.

I feel like a burden to my boyfriend. He pays all the bills while all i do is sit at home. I have no source of income so i cant contribute to anything. I’ve been relying on my mom to pay my phone bill. Relying on my boyfriend to keep a roof over our head. all i can contribute is food stamps which i only got approved for last month.

In my 2nd trimester i started binge eating… im not sure if it was the change in my body or just my binge ED hitting me full force. but now that im in my 3rd trimester im barely eating one meal a day. Again i cant tell if its the pregnancy or my ED.

I fo know that my body dysmorphia is extremely bad at the moment. I cant even look at myself i. the mirror without crying. Logically I know im just pregnant but a voice in the back of my head is screaming at me that im fat and that its not just me being pregnant…

Im so sad all the time. And i honestly just want a hug and some comforting words. but i know i cant get that. My bf gets mad when i cry or even just say im sad. So at night when he’s sleeping i just silently cry next to him. or while he’s at work or the gym i sob uncontrollably.

We have some really bad fights sometimes that just destroys me. He says things like “i dont even really know you” or “you barely know me”… … … weve been together for almost 9months now. I’ve been so open with him from the beginning i even recently opened up to him about my ED when we first started dating. I try to tell him small stuff about me and it feels like he doesnt pay attention. He doesmt open up very much to me but i know a decent amount about him. of course we will never know everything about the people we love. there is always something to learn about the people we love and care about. shit im still learning things about my own mom and she’s my mom.

It sometimes feels like he doesnt want to be with me… like the only thing keeping him with me is our unborn daughter… which hurts because i love him so much… And recently he hasnt wanted to be intimate with me… which if course not only hurts but it makes me doubt myself. and i already feel ugly and fat but now… it just feels so much more real.

I crave affection from him so much that last night i had a dream that we went on a cute date. we got matching shoes and we held hands with each other and he called me pretty. but of course even my dream decided to attack me because right before i woke up a random person in my dream walked up to me telling me i was a horrible girlfriend. so my cute dream turned into a nightmare real quick. as per usual…

i miss my dogs… i know random and stupid to most people. but my dogs are my everything. i love them more than anything. Ive raised them since they were puppies. ive had dogs my entire life. there wasnt one second of my life where i didnt have at least one dog in my house.

And dogs lives are so short that being away from my babies for so long is painful.

October 24th, 2023

I never got to finish this post. I don’t remember why but I opened tumblr and it was the first thing i saw.

To continue what I was saying. I miss my dogs. And thats doubled even more now. Since writing this I’ve lost two of my dogs.

My 16 year old golden retriever passed due to old age. She wouldve been 17 this month. Ive had her since she was a puppy so even though it was expected it doesn’t hurt any less.

I also lost my 7 year old chihuahua. She got attacked by two other large dogs and the only way we wouldve been able to save her was with a $7k experimental surgery. I broke down and begged my followers on instagram, snapchat, and tiktok for help. But was only able to raise $50 between gofundme and cashapp. The next morning she passed and i was distraught.

Not only did i lose another one of my best friends but i still owed $3k in vet bills. I didnt take it well and a month later i still sob thinking about her. Shit i cant even type this without crying.

It’s been hard.

My due date is this saturday and im not okay if I’m being honest. I feel like im going to have really bad postpartum depression.

I feel lost. It’s hard to comprehend that im going to be a mom. That im going to have a little human dependent on me for the rest of my life.

Do that get me wrong, I love her. I love her so much already… but am i going to be a good mom? Am I going to raise her well? Are me and my boyfriend going to be good parents. Are we going to be able seal with the stress together?

There are so many variables that have me scared, stressed, and anxious.

On another note my body dismorphia makes me want to die. I have gained almost 70lbs this pregnancy. at my highest i weighed 248lbs. Ive lost 8lbs which i dont know how to feel about. So my current weight is 240lbs without fasting.

I hate it. And it hurts because I can see it. I physically can see the fat right bellow my gigantic baby bump. I can see the outrageous amount of stretch marks. I can feel the fat and stretch marks and not just when i tough them with my hands. The stretch marks sting, they feel like cuts on my stomach. It almost feels like fresh SH cuts.

This whole year has been traumatizing. This whole pregnancy has been traumatizing. Ive always wanted more than one kid but at this point i dont think my mental health could handle another pregnancy.

I have a feeling Im going to relapse with my ED after I give birth. I already have the urges to do so. Which isn’t good because I recently became hypoglycemic again.

To those who font know what that is. It’s pretty much early onset diabetes. Which was caused by my ED.

Ive struggled with binge eating, an0r3x14, and bul1m14 since the early age of 9. Going back and forth between the three on since.

That’s caused my blood sugar to be unable to regulate like a normal person. If I dont eat for longer than 5hours my blood sugar drops into the 40’s (normal is between 70 and 100) and when I eat the highest its gotten was 150 and thats after eating practically straight sugar.

So in simple terms my body produces to much insulin which can make me insulin resistant in the future.

i know this was long and all over the place. Especially since its months of stress thats piled up. I could type more but im honestly exhausted and will probably just make a separate post at a later date.

As always thank you for coming to my ted talk. Be safe take care of yourselves much love 🖤🖤🖤

[goblin-named-sam]

I lucid dream fairly often and its not like what most people say it's like (for me at least).

It is never "I'm right now so I can do ANYTHING!" but more like watching a movie. Most of the time I know it's not real but have no control over the events so I just enjoy the ride. I'm very rarely even IN my own dreams. I'm usually watching someone else's point of view, seeing someone else's story. Sometimes it's like a video game where I have more control and can make decisions but still can just decide to fly. More like "I'm gonna not go in the creepy cave thanks. I'd rather have an adventure in this brightly lit direction." and my brain just makes the dream around me.

When I do make an appearance in my dreams it's usually the dreams that I forget that I'm dreaming. The ones that are realistic or extremely vivid, the kinds that hard to wake up from, the kinds that leave you exhausted. Sometimes it's trauma or fears being revisited like being forced to confront my father about my childhood, or my abusive ex knocking on my door, or my boyfriend's abusive ex moving in with us, or the man that tried to groom me cornering me in public. Those usually end with catharsis, yelling and screaming at them, saying all the things I've ever thought but never got to say cuz somewhere in my head I still know it's a dream so they can't hurt me but I'm just too in the moment in my feelings to realize I can just walk away and have a nicer dream without them in it.

Then there are the stress dreams. I'm always running away in an environment that constantly changing and makes no sense and I never know what I'm running from just that I can't stop. Those dreams are the worst cuz there isn't a part of me that isn't terrified. Even if there are moments that I realize I'm dreaming, that doesn't change anything. I am terrified and there's something chasing me and if I don't run I'll die. Dream or no, doesn't matter, I don't want that THING to catch me. So I run. I usually have these dreams when my waking life is too much and these dreams are my brain processing all the stress I can't while awake.

Yeah, my sleep's all fucked up but at least I don't have nightmares hardly at all other than the stress dreams but I don't really count them since they're rare scare in their content. I'm just scared in them. No, when I have what most would call nightmares I'm never scared cuz I know it's not real so I just watch along like a horror movie. Scary things are happening...to someone else...and it's not real so everything's fine.

Though when I do have nightmares...they're bad. Only remember having two nightmares in the last five years and they were both vividly terrifying.

One, my teeth were falling out but not like slipping out while I'm trying to talk where it's embarrassing or frustrating. No, no, they were rotting out of my head, coming out in pieces. I spat a chunk out while eating something and ran to the bathroom to look. I pulled my lips up to see holes, bleeding rotten holes in my gums all the way up to the roots of my teeth. I then proceeded to cry over the bathroom sink while my teeth came out slowly and painfully. There was blood everywhere. I had been worried about my teeth at the time since I was too burnt-out to care for them (my teeth are doing great now btw).

The second one is the same kind of vein but this time it was my arm. I was laying in bed just woken up and I looked down and my left arm was rotting away. I couldn't move it so I lifted it with my other hand and the skin stayed on my pillow. I could see my tendons move as my hand hung limp. I could see bone through rotten holes in my muscle. There was blood all over my white sheets. Then I woke up panicking looking at my arm to make sure it was normal again but I wasn't awake. I remember texting my sister about my dream cuz she was the first person I thought to tell. Then I ACTUALLY woke up. My sister had just recently had surgery on her left side of her neck and chest because she had lost mobility and blood flow to her arm. She had been dealing with this for 8 months before a doctor finally listened to her. Guess my brain was finally ready to process those 8 months of worrying about my sister.

Anyway this went off the rails and I have no idea what I'm even doing here anymore. I started with a point but that has long since been lost and this isn't the fist time this has happened so I think I'll just make it a thing now

Why I’ll never be able to lucid dream  (w/ @dahlialiketheflower)

[gjjokok]

20 - August 27, 2023 (sunday)

Wow it has been a really long time since I came to this Tumblr blog! I guess that's a good thing because it means I've been mentally stable for a while lol. Some things that happened since I last journalled:

Got completely over Syl

Had a situationship with some other people, most namely Royo (i guess)

Had a very serious situationship with Will who I was pretty much dating and really really liked

Moved to new york with EY, made many friends here

Living with Daniel in new york which is crazy since we both thought we hated each other when we first met

In new york, fell in deep LIKE with Kevin Wu who I met when I visited New York last summer with Royo but barely remember meeting. Also have met many other notable boys in new york (ricky, JC) but Kevin is by far the most notable

Anyways, life has actually been going really well and up until about 2 hours ago before I had a nap I have been doing great. But then I woke up from a nap alone in our apartment and feel like crying for unknown reasons so lets see why I feel so bad!

The thing most pressing on my mind is my health anxiety. I feel like this is something a lot of people have, but it is truly so frustrating how I will have (or at least think that I have) 1 major health concern after another. Most recently I was really sick, like insanely sore throat, for about a week where I thought I had strep throat and was stressed because I dont understand the american health care system and didn't know how to get treated or how expensive it would be. It got better last week and I was fine for about 3 days...until now...I just have random double vision. Not all the time, but when I look at something too close to me or if it's really bright in my eyes then I see double. When I close one eye it's totally fine, and a lot of the time I can walk around fine but then I'll rub my eyes and feel like I'm going to fall over because everything is double and I feel a bit dizzy. It's like I've been drunk constantly for the past few days. When I look it up it's either like "GO TO THE ER NOW YOU HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR OR ANEURISM" or "yeah there's not much that can be done other than monitor it and if it persists for 12+ months without improvement then there is a surgery." This is stressing me out so much because it just makes me feel out of it when I'm hanging out with people and walking around doing basic stuff because it takes extra effort just for me to not see everything in double. I would just go to urgent care, but based on what I saw online i dont think they could do much, and I dont know how expensive it would be....anyways if it continues for another few days I will definitely get it checked out, but it's been better today so I'm hoping it's correcting itself..

I think this is more just a result of the fact I feel alone in this exact moment, but I feel so depressy about Kevin not wanting to be with me. In short, Kevin and i met and get along SO WELL and his personality is perfect and I cant keep my hands (and mouth) off of him when he's around me. I never would have came onto him if he didn't flirt with me first, but I'm just so into him and everything about him. However, we have both always said we aren't looking to date - that changed for me about a month in and I realized I really like him and want him to be mine. I spoke about this with him about 5 days ago, and this hasn't changed for him so he still isn't looking to date. To protect my feelings I decided that I need to talk with him less then, but I'm just so sad because I really saw a future for us or I thought we could at least try dating. Since we spoke. I've been generally good and am starting to accept we are just friends and I've been speaking very casually to some other guys. I really thought we were in a good place because we were hanging out at a club on Friday night and we kissed a lot with no strings attached and it felt great. And then him and Tommy, Ricky, Merlin, Chris came over to have dinner with Daniel and i at our place and to play games and stuff. It was so fun and I had no sad thoughts about wanting to be with him. But now I wake up from this nap alone in our apartment, and god I wish I could just hangout with him and cuddle with him and maybe I still have more work I need to do with myself to accept that him and I will never be together. Similar with Syl, I think this is so hard with him because I would have never come on to him first but he started things with me and then decided he doesn't want to be with me after I got so emotionally invested. But, I got over Syl eventually and now we're good friends, and Kevin is kind of more mature and a better person than Syl in general so I know I'll be able to get over Kevin and be friends with him hopefully for a long time.

I was more anxious about this last weekend and earlier this week, but I really feel like I never belong in any group I'm in. After never fitting in with friend groups that are all straight or all girls, I found gay people I love to hangout with in Toronto and New York, but they're nearly all asian so I still feel like I dont belong. This gives me huge imposter syndrome when I'm out with my friends and I kind of hate taking pictures because it is so obvious that I don't belong. It also doesn't help when I feel like I'm always the one reaching out to make plans with people instead of people reaching out to me. For example when I ask people what they're doing for EZoo next weekend, people are very inviting and ask me to join them, but only after I reach out first to ask them their plans. It would be really nice to get an invite to something without being an after thought for one (however as I type that out I remember so many times people have invited me to parties or to cottages or to movies without me asking so many I'm only remembering the times that I don't get invited).

So that's everything I can think of that might be making me feel anxious right now! I just want this double vision to go away...I can deal with heartbreak from Kevin and I can try to strengthen my relationships with friends, but this constant anxiety from feeling like I might die at any time is kind of ruining my life right now. I guess this is in my control though because I can just go to urgent care and at least know that I did everything I can instead of just waiting and hoping it'll go away..

[timeoverload]

I'm glad today is over. I haven't been in a very good mood. I woke up this morning at 3:30 after a nightmare. I tried to go back to bed but then I had 2 more in a row. They have been extremely vivid lately. I felt very uncomfortable and disoriented after that. It was hard to get out of bed.

I didn't have any eye cases scheduled this afternoon so I spent a lot of my time wrapping total pans and loading autoclaves. I spent most of my lunch break making phone calls and I didn't have time to get food so that made me feel like shit. I have been eating a lot better recently so that threw me off.

They gave me a 2 hour decontam shift at the end of the day. 6 cases got done while I was back there and most of them were totals so there was a lot to clean. The instruments seemed bloodier than usual and I think the techs were too lazy to wipe things off in the operating room like they are supposed to. I had to pick cement off of impactors which is something that we're not supposed to have to worry about anymore since it's the tech's job to remove it in the room before it hardens. A lot of sets were mixed together so I had to take extra time to sort things out. They were all just trying to go home and someone even left a patella on the dirty cart. It's definitely not the first time that has happened to me but it pisses me off when they don't even try to make our jobs easier. It's not my job to dispose of body parts but I still get stuck doing it sometimes. I didn't expect to have to close decontam either so it ended up being 2 and a half hours instead. It was so hot and I got so sweaty. The dirty water soaked through my gown so I was drenched when I got done. I felt so gross afterward. I just hate being trapped in that room because it's such a miserable place to be. I don't want to do it anymore.

I was glad that I got to leave once I had everything cleaned up. I hobbled out of there as fast as I could. I threw up in the parking lot when I got to my car because I overdid it.

I came home and took a shower immediately and made some food so I feel a little better I guess. I'm sore now though and I lifted too much today. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow because I have 30 eye cases and there are 20 total joint surgeries. There are also a lot of robotic surgeries and other procedures. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 2 days but I know I will somehow. I will probably be crabby.

I'm a little disappointed because I can't go fishing with the person that invited me to go with her a couple weeks ago. For some reason she had the impression that I had my own fishing pole and access to a kayak. She never told me I needed to have that stuff initially so I was confused. I also didn't realize that she was expecting me to drive like 3 hours to the lake by myself. It seems like she has been trying to dissuade me from wanting to go like she regrets asking me in the first place. She goes fishing with the autoclave repair man. He's a nice guy but I'm not sure if I want to hang out with him outside of work. I think they have something going on between them so I don't really want to be a third wheel anyway. I guess they text all the time. He has mentioned in the past that he's unhappily married so it makes me uncomfortable. I shouldn't make assumptions like that but I would like to avoid being put in an awkward situation. Their relationship is none of my business so I want to stay out of it. I probably shouldn't try to hang out with people from work anyway. I used to try to do that years ago but it never ended well. It just starts drama. I'm just too boring and weird and don't have much in common with anyone. I guess I will keep being a hermit. I'm really bummed out because summer is already almost over and I didn't get to do anything that I wanted to do.

I've also been stressed about my kitties all day too. All 3 of them are overdue for check-ups. They are behind on vaccinations and licensing. They deserve better and I feel like a bad cat mom. They are just hard for me to transport. Harry is very heavy and Soupy and Salazaar have to go together because they freak out if they get separated. I need to get them new carriers. I hope that I can figure out a way to get them to the vet soon because I've been worried about them. I want to get them a new cat tree and new toys too but I need to get caught up on some more of my bills first. I feel like I haven't been able to give them the attention they need.

I decided that I'm going to stay home next Wednesday and Thursday because I need a vacation and I have been saving my sick days. I'm planning on getting some things sorted out during that time. I'm going to try to be productive and get more organized. I am lucky that there aren't any eye cases scheduled Tuesday afternoon so I can go to my appointment without it being a hassle and I don't need to find someone to cover for me. I lied to my boss and told her that I had a doctors appointment on Tuesday and I needed to leave a little early and she said that was fine. I had to say I was going to the doctor and not the tattoo shop because I didn't want to get denied. I'm hoping that next week will be better than this one has been so far. I'm looking forward to having some extra time off. I also have my ultrasound next Friday. I'm not excited to do that but at least I am getting it taken care of so I can figure out what's wrong with me.

I'm so tired right now. I don't think I will be able to stay up very late tonight. I hope I can have some good dreams for once. I'm all ready for bed and I'm going to try to relax for a while. I need to mentally prepare myself for tomorrow. I'm trying to stay optimistic that it will be better than I'm expecting it to be. I will try to make it a good day.

[trashbins-stuff]

I'm a mother with metastatic (stage ll) breast cancer with a 10-month-old daughter who was born with cerebral palsy.that my life has been in recent years, thank you for coming this far and giving me all your support, for those who do not know the hard battle I face and for which I try to reach their hearts. . . . . In search of support I briefly tell you my situation.

My name is maua, 5 years ago I was driving to meet my best friend, suddenly my vision was double, my vision was going in and out, I remember pulling into a parking lot, I just thought to call someone, but I couldn't dial from my phone , I lost consciousness, when I woke up I couldn't coordinate or make rational decisions, I woke up repeating over and over again that I had to go home, by then I thought I had the flu with a very bad headache, the doctors came and one of They told me that I had bronchitis and sinusitis, a month later the symptoms had not disappeared, by then I had already gone to the specialist for the third time. After much concern, finally a doctor ordered a chest x-ray because the x-rays showed that I had a pleural effusion in my right lung, other doctors objected saying that it was not necessary, days later while I was taking a shower I found a lump in my breast, after rigorous examinations they ended up diagnosing me with metastatic breast cancer. I then had chemotherapy and a bilateral mastectomy (removal of both breasts), reconstructive surgery, and implant placement.

Harvesting or freezing my eggs before the chemo was not an option, they said that there was a high probability that the chemo would affect my fertility, this shattered my illusions because I really dreamed of being a mother. After the surgery I was considered cancer free, 4 years later I got pregnant, in February 2022 I gave birth to my little Elly, the delivery was complicated, my pregnancy was traumatic due to my history of cancer, my little love of 3 pounds and 6 ounces was born 10 weeks early. Elly was born with cerebral palsy, during the pregnancy I had several threats of abortion, by the mercy of God my baby grabbed my uterus tightly, she cannot breastfeed her, but I am content with having her on my chest and giving her warmth and protection as much as I can, Its care is special, it requires rigorous treatments and it is not cheap. I always refused to ask for help with my cancer, but seeing my baby so delicate and defenseless I understood that I need everyone, these are difficult times, we have a very hard road ahead of us at home, my daughter needs all the help possible.

I lived a life in remission for almost 5 years before developing a bad cough during flu season, a few months after giving birth I felt like everything was wrong, made several doctor visits, had a chest X-ray due to my history , they found fluid in my lungs, after draining and analyzing it, it was evidenced that there were breast cancer cells, after more cancer tests it was found not only in my lungs, but in my liver and bones, at the age of 33 I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer (stage Il) a few years later I found out that the cancer had invaded my brain as well.

However, today I am stable and most of the cancer is gone, but I am still on continuous treatment that I am not allowed to stop. Since my cancer was found I have had 57 chemo infusions, 10 IM injections, countless Il/port sticks, too many pills to count, 1 pleurx drain to my lung, 4 JP drains, x2 thoracentesis, 9 surgeries, 2 interventional radiology procedures , 1 biopsy, 1 mammogram, 2 x-rays, 2 ultrasounds, 6 hospitalizations, plus ED visits, 17 CT scans, 3 CT scans, 20 MRIs, 2 bone scans, palliative radiation, 1 seizure, 7 gamma knife treatments, 1 craniotomy , 8 doctors/surgeons, countless amazing nurses, NPs PAs, lots of scars, and thousands of dollars in medical bills and counting. However, I am here with a beautiful gift from God in my arms, this can only be called a miracle, God wants me here and I must fight for it and my little girl needs me.

please help me with anything you want to help me

im not able to donate but i will share, i hope your get the money you need, you went through alot :(

[noiwontsaythatabouthim]

Hi, op here, some stuff happened recently.

One, I don't think I was TA, personally. Seems most of you don't think that either. I do feel bad, now, for not handling it better, though.

I texted K again later and said I was sorry for telling her that in front of everybody and then storming out. I probably should have just put my foot down harder on my refusal and told her privately how much it upset me. I also told her, like how most of y'all told me, that her whole men suck routine was really invalidating as a trans man, and that either she Included me in all men or didn't, a real damned if you do damned if you don't sort of situation.

She thanked me for apologizing and apologized herself for the men comment. She said she honestly wasn't thinking about it when she said it but she'd try to be more sensitive. She also said she'd found out that her most recent boyfriend was married with kids sooo. She was kinda down in the dumps about men and dating and whatnot.

As for bigger updates... L broke it off with her fiance after our brunch!! She realized he wasn't doing anything and just absolutely oozing weaponized incompetence. So after a big blowout where she said either grow up or I'm gone, he chose to stay a giant man baby. You know, I never liked him much. She's angry and heartbroken, but she's like, gorgeous, smart, and insanely sweet. She'll realize that he was an absolute nothingburger of a man soon and move on easily.

Anyway, seems like a lot of y'all have nice things to say about my husband, so I'm gonna tell you what happened when I came out to him because I'll tell as many people who will listen how perfect he is.

So for the past two years before I came out, almost our whole married life, we had been having difficulty. I'd realized I was a man shortly before he proposed to me, and I thought I would just bottle it up and keep it down for the rest of my life. Turns out that's hard.

Like I said, difficulty. We were rarely affectionate with one another, almost never made love, and when we did, it was so unenjoyable that usually I pretended to finish and he said he was fine without finishing. It wasn't healthy for either of us. I kept feeling like I was dragging him down with how mopey I was around him, so around 5 years ago I decided to just bite the bullet and come out. I had already been visiting with a gender therapist behind his back and had the go ahead from both them and my endocrinologist to start T. I felt very guilty about that at the time, doing it behind his back.

I took him into the bedroom to talk and ended up just sobbing into his shirt for 30 minutes before timidly muttering "baby, I think I'm a man. I wanna be a man."

He laughed so loudly it made me jump and then cried out "thank GOD" as he hugged me. He told me that he was a second away from coming out himself and that he thought he'd have to divorce me. He was so relieved, I don't think I've ever seen him that happy. He promised to be with me every step of the way, and he was.

He was there to kiss me when I changed my name. He held my hand as I got my first T shot. He was the first thing I saw when I woke up from both top surgery and my sterilization procedure. He bitched at the social security office because it was all bullshit, he got in long, annoying phone calls with the bank. He renewed his vows with me last year in front of all our friends and family. He's the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night. I would do anything for him. I love him so much.

Sorry, I know I'm gushing, this isn't what the blog's for, but I just... need you all to understand that when K asked me to shittalk my husband, how impossible that felt. How cruel it felt. And I also want any other trans folks reading this to know that you can find your person, you don't have to give up on love. Someone out there is gonna love you, they're gonna think you're so fucking hot, they're gonna bend over backwards to make you happy. And you deserve it, too.

Sorry about the rambling. Hope all yall have a good day.

AITA for not complaining about my sex/love life?

A bit nsfw. I'll try to keep it vague.

So I (31FTM) came out and transitioned about 5 years ago. My husband (34, cis M) and I were married beforehand. He was extremely relieved, as he had realized he was gay and didn't know how to tell me. It's like a fairy tale if Disney thought we were marketable 💜 just a bit of context to what happened next.

I have a group of friends, straight cis women my age, who knew me pretransition. They were relatively supportive, minus a few confused questions and a couple of comments early on about how hard it was to remember my name.

I was out to brunch with 3 of them (K, S, L, all early 30s/late 20s). L is engaged, S recently got serious with a guy, and K is perpetually single.

We were all chatting and eventually got on the topic of romance. S was complaining that her boyfriend never did the dishes. L laughed and said she had to essentially train her fiance to do certain household chores. K piped up with some sort of "men are the worst" comment, which I just sort of ignored, until she turned to me and said "So what gets on your nerves about YOUR husband, OP?"

I shrugged and said that sometimes he leaves his socks on the floor, but that's about it. K rolled her eyes and said there had to be SOMETHING that pissed me off about him, like "he's bad in bed or doesn't listen to you." I snapped a little and told her that no, actually, I don't care what you say about your partners but mine is actually really great, and I love him. He's great in bed, he's very caring and passionate, he listens to me all the time, and I won't be convinced to shittalk him.

It got quiet and I just decided to leave cash for my part of the bill and leave. I went home to snuggle into my husband's arms on the couch and tell him what happened. He just laughed and said I could shittalk him if I wanted. I don't think he really got why I was so upset.

That afternoon, K texted me and said I really embarrassed her in front of everyone and wanted me to apologize for what I said. I refused and told her that I wasn't gonna apologize because she assumed I didn't like my husband and I corrected her. She called me a bitch and went radio silent. I texted S and L and asked them if they were okay, no response yet.

My husband thinks I should just apologize, but I don't want to say sorry for refusing to talk badly about someone who supported me during one of the hardest times of my life, even if he'd be fine with it. It just makes me feel wrong.

AITA?

[theloonatic]

I'm a mother with metastatic (stage ll) breast cancer with a 10-month-old daughter who was born with cerebral palsy.that my life has been in recent years, thank you for coming this far and giving me all your support, for those who do not know the hard battle I face and for which I try to reach their hearts. . . . . In search of support I briefly tell you my situation.

My name is maua, 5 years ago I was driving to meet my best friend, suddenly my vision was double, my vision was going in and out, I remember pulling into a parking lot, I just thought to call someone, but I couldn't dial from my phone , I lost consciousness, when I woke up I couldn't coordinate or make rational decisions, I woke up repeating over and over again that I had to go home, by then I thought I had the flu with a very bad headache, the doctors came and one of They told me that I had bronchitis and sinusitis, a month later the symptoms had not disappeared, by then I had already gone to the specialist for the third time. After much concern, finally a doctor ordered a chest x-ray because the x-rays showed that I had a pleural effusion in my right lung, other doctors objected saying that it was not necessary, days later while I was taking a shower I found a lump in my breast, after rigorous examinations they ended up diagnosing me with metastatic breast cancer. I then had chemotherapy and a bilateral mastectomy (removal of both breasts), reconstructive surgery, and implant placement.

Harvesting or freezing my eggs before the chemo was not an option, they said that there was a high probability that the chemo would affect my fertility, this shattered my illusions because I really dreamed of being a mother. After the surgery I was considered cancer free, 4 years later I got pregnant, in February 2022 I gave birth to my little Elly, the delivery was complicated, my pregnancy was traumatic due to my history of cancer, my little love of 3 pounds and 6 ounces was born 10 weeks early. Elly was born with cerebral palsy, during the pregnancy I had several threats of abortion, by the mercy of God my baby grabbed my uterus tightly, she cannot breastfeed her, but I am content with having her on my chest and giving her warmth and protection as much as I can, Its care is special, it requires rigorous treatments and it is not cheap. I always refused to ask for help with my cancer, but seeing my baby so delicate and defenseless I understood that I need everyone, these are difficult times, we have a very hard road ahead of us at home, my daughter needs all the help possible.

I lived a life in remission for almost 5 years before developing a bad cough during flu season, a few months after giving birth I felt like everything was wrong, made several doctor visits, had a chest X-ray due to my history , they found fluid in my lungs, after draining and analyzing it, it was evidenced that there were breast cancer cells, after more cancer tests it was found not only in my lungs, but in my liver and bones, at the age of 33 I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer (stage Il) a few years later I found out that the cancer had invaded my brain as well.

However, today I am stable and most of the cancer is gone, but I am still on continuous treatment that I am not allowed to stop. Since my cancer was found I have had 57 chemo infusions, 10 IM injections, countless Il/port sticks, too many pills to count, 1 pleurx drain to my lung, 4 JP drains, x2 thoracentesis, 9 surgeries, 2 interventional radiology procedures , 1 biopsy, 1 mammogram, 2 x-rays, 2 ultrasounds, 6 hospitalizations, plus ED visits, 17 CT scans, 3 CT scans, 20 MRIs, 2 bone scans, palliative radiation, 1 seizure, 7 gamma knife treatments, 1 craniotomy , 8 doctors/surgeons, countless amazing nurses, NPs PAs, lots of scars, and thousands of dollars in medical bills and counting. However, I am here with a beautiful gift from God in my arms, this can only be called a miracle, God wants me here and I must fight for it and my little girl needs me.

please help me with anything you want to help me

💙

[mrskayathefrog]

I'm a mother with metastatic (stage ll) breast cancer with a 10-month-old daughter who was born with cerebral palsy.that my life has been in recent years, thank you for coming this far and giving me all your support, for those who do not know the hard battle I face and for which I try to reach their hearts. . . . . In search of support I briefly tell you my situation.

My name is rebecca, 5 years ago I was driving to meet my best friend, suddenly my vision was double, my vision was going in and out, I remember pulling into a parking lot, I just thought to call someone, but I couldn't dial from my phone , I lost consciousness, when I woke up I couldn't coordinate or make rational decisions, I woke up repeating over and over again that I had to go home, by then I thought I had the flu with a very bad headache, the doctors came and one of They told me that I had bronchitis and sinusitis, a month later the symptoms had not disappeared, by then I had already gone to the specialist for the third time. After much concern, finally a doctor ordered a chest x-ray because the x-rays showed that I had a pleural effusion in my right lung, other doctors objected saying that it was not necessary, days later while I was taking a shower I found a lump in my breast, after rigorous examinations they ended up diagnosing me with metastatic breast cancer. I then had chemotherapy and a bilateral mastectomy (removal of both breasts), reconstructive surgery, and implant placement.

Harvesting or freezing my eggs before the chemo was not an option, they said that there was a high probability that the chemo would affect my fertility, this shattered my illusions because I really dreamed of being a mother. After the surgery I was considered cancer free, 4 years later I got pregnant, in February 2022 I gave birth to my little Elly, the delivery was complicated, my pregnancy was traumatic due to my history of cancer, my little love of 3 pounds and 6 ounces was born 10 weeks early. Elly was born with cerebral palsy, during the pregnancy I had several threats of abortion, by the mercy of God my baby grabbed my uterus tightly, she cannot breastfeed her, but I am content with having her on my chest and giving her warmth and protection as much as I can, Its care is special, it requires rigorous treatments and it is not cheap. I always refused to ask for help with my cancer, but seeing my baby so delicate and defenseless I understood that I need everyone, these are difficult times, we have a very hard road ahead of us at home, my daughter needs all the help possible.

I lived a life in remission for almost 5 years before developing a bad cough during flu season, a few months after giving birth I felt like everything was wrong, made several doctor visits, had a chest X-ray due to my history , they found fluid in my lungs, after draining and analyzing it, it was evidenced that there were breast cancer cells, after more cancer tests it was found not only in my lungs, but in my liver and bones, at the age of 33 I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer (stage Il) a few years later I found out that the cancer had invaded my brain as well.

However, today I am stable and most of the cancer is gone, but I am still on continuous treatment that I am not allowed to stop. Since my cancer was found I have had 57 chemo infusions, 10 IM injections, countless Il/port sticks, too many pills to count, 1 pleurx drain to my lung, 4 JP drains, x2 thoracentesis, 9 surgeries, 2 interventional radiology procedures , 1 biopsy, 1 mammogram, 2 x-rays, 2 ultrasounds, 6 hospitalizations, plus ED visits, 17 CT scans, 3 CT scans, 20 MRIs, 2 bone scans, palliative radiation, 1 seizure, 7 gamma knife treatments, 1 craniotomy , 8 doctors/surgeons, countless amazing nurses, NPs PAs, lots of scars, and thousands of dollars in medical bills and counting. However, I am here with a beautiful gift from God in my arms, this can only be called a miracle, God wants me here and I must fight for it and my little girl needs me.

please help me with anything you want to help me

donate via PayPal is all I have

funniest scam I ever read