#when I stop thinking about everything isat is still really good

[buttercupshands]

decided to listen to isat ost

and just kind of zoned out on the main theme while sketching

[insertdisc5]

TIMELOOP GAMES REAL!??!??!!

hi i made a timeloop game called In Stars and Time and this is a whole post about other timeloop games you can also play.

some i liked. some i loved. some i didnt like. all are worth playing and like also listen the second friends and family heard i was making a timeloop game, i got bombarded with timeloop media recs. so here is a sampler in no particular order! NOTE: knowing some of those games are timeloop games is a spoiler. but. you are here. for timeloop games. so timeloop games you shall have

Outer Wilds

If you need to play one timeloop game, it's this one. Please play it blind. I swear to god you won't regret it. it's timeloops in space!!! it makes you think!!! there are so many "HOLY SHIT WAIT I GET IT NOW" moments!!! please just go play it please please please. some of the best environmental storytelling in a game. so many hints in plain sight. JUST PLAY IT

[way more timeloop games under the cut]

Oxenfree

I didn't actually like Oxenfree very much. But also it stayed in my mind for weeks after I finished playing it. that's how you know it's a good game. I really enjoyed the dialogue system in this, and how much the loop affected the characters. and it got so spooky!!!

Hikeback

i'm in the credits for this one because i was one of the inspirations heehee <3 i loved playing it… short little game about trust, self-sabotage, and never-ending cycles. highly recommend it

The Stanley Parable

Listen babes it absolutely counts. I replayed it a bunch while making ISAT, and I got immensely inspired by the dialogue, and how it catches you off guard sometimes? You get SO SO used to the narrator's "All of his coworkers were gone. What could it mean?" at the start of every game, and then for no reason instead it says "A soft wind blew outside and perhaps rain started, and if it did it stopped shortly after. Stanley hoped that he would one day see weather." like WHAT THE FUUUUCK IM GETTING CHILLS JUST THINKING ABOUT IT

12 minutes

ok i know we all made fun of this game when it came out because the story is batshit insane HOWEVER!!!!!!!! i REALLY REALLY LOVED how doing the same actions multiple times would have slightly different outcomes. If you battle someone, the first time you get knocked out in one hit and the loop restarts. the second time you try, you evade the first hit, but get knocked out. the third time, you last a little bit longer, and a little bit longer, until you can pretty much hold your own against your enemy. And it applies to so many things in this. Retrying different things to see how they would change was a delight.

this game is also so bad its almost good, and if you're interested you HAVE to play it with friends so you can yell about how bad it is together.

Zero Escape

it's just a good series ok. escape rooms, and also time loops! the 3rd game in particular goes deep into The Math of how timeloops would work, which i think is interesting. sometimes timeloop games just go "yeah you can timeloop dont worry about it" and others go "OK HERE'S THE HOW AND WHY IT WORKS" and both are interesting!

START AGAIN: a prologue

this game has almost everything i could wish for in a timeloop game. depression. lines repeating. dying brings you back. you get new levels and skills because you're aware of the loops but your party members don't. so you get overpowered next to them and they Notice. just. party members who dont know about the loops still noticing something is wrong. you are acting differently than yesterday. you look sad. you are acting weird. you know too much. how did you know where the keys were? how did you know this would happen? what's wrong? talk to us. and oh my god this game has a sequel? which will probably have Actually Everything i could wish for in a timeloop game? i can't wait. who made this? (its me i made this)

Ghost Trick

ok its not really time loops and more time travel and only for 4 minutes HOWEVER!!!! you should play it. you know you should play it because everyone says so. so go play it

Elsinore

im sure its a great game but ive never seen/read hamlet. so thats a failing on my part. because. you absolutely need to know hamlet to understand this game lol i did like the whole "make sure to find out which events are Important and which ones aren't so you can have The Perfect Loop"! very fun. or it would be. if i. knew. hamlet

The Forgotten City

a friend kept recommending it to me and i didn't like it. its good! just not for me. but if you like to think a lot you should play it. another "make sure to find out which events are Important and which ones aren't so you can have The Perfect Loop" game

Gnosia

Gonna be real. I didn't like the story very much, in part because the game lets you choose your gender but still acts like youre a straight dude. HOWEVER the gameplay was very inspiring to me. Every loop is pretty much just an among us meeting, and you have to find out who the imposters are or everyone dies and you loop again. and sometimes you ARE the imposter, so you need to make sure no one finds out. or you loop again. rules get added as time goes on too. i REALLY loved how quickly the loops stacked up. seeing "loop 100" was such a nice moment. ive been here so long! i tried to recreate that somewhat for my own game…

Loop Hero

Technically not a timeloop game, but a loop game. It still absolutely counts because it's about loops and memories, and what are loops and memories together if not a timeloop. You have your little guy going through a closed loop, battling enemies, getting cards, and making the world whole again by using those cards to make forests, towns, lakes come to life. I am famously a Story First Gameplay Second kinda player, but I did play this 45h for the gameplay alone. I learned a lot about battle balancing and randomness by playing this!

You and Me and Her: A Love Story

you know doki doki litterature club? this came before. and one might say. it's. better. in some parts (and i say that as someone who LOVED ddlc!) i won't say much except it's a dating sim but with timeloops. with a lot of what it implies. why are you dating this girl a second time? a third time? a fourth time? choose another one already! it was such a fascinating game to play, and is incredibly meta in the way it talks about dating sims and visual novels. had a lot of very impactful moments however, i played the hentai version. some of the worst, most cringy sex ive ever read and heard. however, one might say the sex is an integral part of the game and its deconstruction of hentai/dating sims…? no. just play the steam version which doesnt have the horrible sex scenes and you will have a great time i think (or play the hentai version. if you like. to watch. horrible sex scenes???)

Higurashi

knowing this is a timeloop game is a massive spoiler. however, this game is more than a decade old, so,,, honestly if you havent played higurashi what are you doing. i know i just spoiled you on it but i was also spoiled on it and i can GUARANTEE YOU that you will still have an amazing time. one more thing. you gotta play with the original sprites or you're a fake fan

I Was a Teenage Exocolonist

starts as a visual novel/management sim/dating sim kinda thing, until you realize that every replay is a new timeline. so the main character can save people, because they remembered about them dying in a previous one. i wish the timeloop would affect the game/story more (let me find a certain character quicker once ive found them in a previous playthrough!!!), but timeloop aside, it's a very fun game to play!!!

that's it! hope you will find a nice timeloop game you like

[under-the-stars-au]

How are you feeling now, Bon?

Yeah don't worry, they're fine now, when your tummy is full you can't be mad, that's just science fact

________________

Okay ! Lots of stuff to say here ! There were some details I wasn't sure of about the lore of this mixed UT/ISAT universe, but recently I made myself a little memo of everything and I'm more sure of my stuff. So I made it clear in this one : Chara is here ! And they are here to help....maybe.

Siffrin thoughts and Chara's narration are kinda here at the same time...which must be super confusing to live honestly, but you can still see the difference. I will not develop here why Chara is with Siffrin instead of Frisk, but if you want a small explanation, their wishes mixed together

I personally think that there's a lot of ISAT stuff in this AU and not enough UT, so the next one (the one I really wanted to make for a while) will be more about UT, and it will be out...tomorrow ! Yep, I already started it before I decided to make that one first, so you'll have another answer really soon, whoo oh !

I hope you like this one for now though ! See you soon !

(Also did you notice the new brush I used this time ? I love it honestly, it looks super cool, I think I'll keep it)

_________________

DIALOGUES IN CASE YOU CAN'T READ MY HANDWRITING

1 :

Bonnie : Mh.........

2 :

Odile : Bonniface, I get that you are upset, but can you please be faster ? Even I don't walk that slow

Bonnie : I'm as fast as I can 'dile !...

3 :

Isabeau : Hey, Sif ? Sorry to bother ya but, huh... Could you talk to Bonbon ? I think they might need it...

Siffrin : Huh ? Why ? I'm not really the feelings person of the group

4 :

Isabeau : Listen buddy, I... I don't think I'm the good person to tell you about it. Just...talk to them, okay ? They'll tell you...eventually

Siffrin : Huh... Okay ? I'll go do that...

5 :

Mirabelle : Huh ? Why did we stop ? Siffrin ?

6 :

Siffrin : Heya Bonnie

Bonnie : ...Siffrin. What d'you want ?

7 :

Chara (internally): Oof, wow, such a sweet kid. They even "Siffried" you

Siffrin : It seems that you're still angry since you flee earlier, and that it's...kinda my fault ? I'm not sure to really understand, but huh, I'm sorry, for whatever happened. I didn't wanted to upset you.

8 :

Bonnie : Huh uh. Yeah, sure. I forgive you

Siffrin (internally) : It doesn't sound like they do though...

9 :

Chara (internally) : Stars, that kid sure is difficult ! Just continue okay, they are not worth it

Siffrin : ...

10 :

Siffrin : Hey Bonnie ?

Bonnie : Hum ?

Siffrin (internally) : No, no don't say that. They'll ALWAYS be worth it

11 :

Siffrin : What if I tell you that I still have a piece of Toriel's pie in my secret pockets. What d'you say ?

Siffrin (internally) : In every loop, every fun changes, you party will always be more important. If you have to proceed, it will be with them

12 :

Bonnie : ...Well. First, I say that it sounds super gross to keep pie in your pockets just like that

13 :

Bonnie : ...And then I say that I want it

14 :

Siffrin : There you go !

Bonnie : Thanks...

15 :

Siffrin (internally) : ...You know, it's nice to have new interactions with them. They almost became actual persons again, you even remember their names !

16 :

Bonnie : What ? WHAT ?! Why are you laughing ?! You makin' fun of me ?!!

17 :

Siffrin : No no, just thought you look like a bunny when you eat, a "Bonny" hehe. That's cute

Bonnie : GAASP. So you are makin' fun of me !

18 :

Bonnie : But huh, actually, I'm not mad at you somehow, guess it's because of the pie

Siffrin : Oh ? Really ?

Bonnie : Yeah, it's just that good

Siffrin : Huh, good to know

19 :

Bonnie : Yeah yeah, just go back to your place now. And stop being an idiot !

Siffrin (internally) : I guess they are okay now ?

Siffrin : Haha, okay okay

[chimerafeathers]

the concept of intentional boredom/tedium in video games is very much a "your mileage may vary" kind of thing and i go back and forth about it in different situations. where does it work? where does it feel earned/worth the mental toll? why am i gonna play a game that is trying to make me miserable?

i can understand this not being the case for everyone (ymmv, after all) but for ISaT i was so fucking fully on board with the repetitive tedium of it all. rubbing my grubby little hands together and going yesssss, yesssssss, make my immersive gameplay experience directly emulate the exact frustrations and anxieties and mind-numbing breakdowns of the player character. remind me, at every turn, the toll this would take on the person living it. make me live their inner monologue before it's ever verbalized on screen.

how strong you feel, compared to the party you're inevitably leaving behind, how weak they seem now. how annoying it is to cut down these same enemies again and again, always pointlessly getting in your way (oh, how convenient that Siffrin feels the same way so intensely that you can get an item that lets him scare them off by sheer force of will before they attack you!). since when was the King's battle--so terrifying, so impossible before--so easy? can't this go faster? you've heard this all before.

let me skip ahead, loop around, treat my character my body Siffrin as disposable, take the fast and easy way to reach the next goal when you're on the verge of an exciting breakthrough, this loop doesn't matter anyway. but ohh, this next loop might be The One, better do this one right and follow the script to perfection. make all the jokes and say all the right things to get the lovely bonding dialogue so you can carry the Best Version of Everyone through to the end. that'll give you the Good Ending, right? can't hurt to try, right? you don't really believe it but this time will fix everything, right?

how generous and wonderful to have so many shortcuts at hand! dissociating zoning out to skip repetitive dialogue, splitting your head open on a rock slipping on a banana peel in the town to loop right to the floor you need, suuuuurely all of this stuff is purely for the Player's Convenience and won't have any psychological impact on our dear protagonist such that it gets slammed back into the player's face as a stomach-dropping reminder that someone's moment-to-moment experience in this time loop still matters, still carries over, still gets riddled with scars even if they can't be seen!

i've played & watched enough games that trivialize/hand-wave game mechanics that it's pretty easy to detach myself from the minutiae of video game decision-making. "this input gets the Good Response" -> "i will continue doing this input." "this option will be more efficient" -> "might as well save some time then." but this game would not let me stop thinking about consequence.

picking Siffrin's favorite food makes them happy! :) it's also the option that makes Bonnie the happiest! yay! -> i keep picking their favorite food -> Siffrin gradually grows sick of something that once brought him joy -> oh. right. that...makes sense, huh.

okay i asked the King what i needed, mann there won't be any tears after the fight is over so i'll have to do the whole ending scene again and that takes a while and i reeeeally wanna talk to Loop, maybe i'll just lose on purpose this time -> OH. RIGHT. THIS IS MAYBE THE MOST PAINFUL WAY FOR SIFFRIN TO DIE BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY HUH. -> never gonna do that again actually!!!!! the ending isn't that long!!!!

banana peel time! we've got places to be and mysteries to solve! -> (you're a living comedy sketch.) (you wonder if you'll ever be able to smell bananas again without wanting to vomit.) -> i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

it's always cute to see Isabeau's reactions! pick the options that make him blush :3 -> (disgusting. manipulative. it's no wonder he thinks he likes you, you made him feel that way.) -> i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry siffrin NO he liked you before any of this happened please don't think of yourself that way--

maybe it won't hit the same for every player (what game can expect to do that?) but holy fuck it hit for me. the way the mechanics let you fall into familiar gamey rhythms but constantly, constantly remind you that this is Siffrin's life you're playing with. the way you end up perfectly in step in the worst ways. muscle memory and habit built up so well that you both stumble when something changes. devastating and delicious

[apple-onigiri]

hi can you talk more about your reading of siffrin and loop's relationship please. I'm so curious 👀

(omg hii i love your analyses)

well i guess now i gotta huh!! the demons (the people on my computer) are telling me to do it, do it, do it, so here it is!! most of it below a cut! because this ended up being really really long!

so! self-love and self-hatred play a big role in isat in general. the whole story is kind of about accepting that you are capable of being loved, and not, in fact, inherently repulsive so maybe you should open up, siffrin. imagine that. and i'd argue these themes crystallize into their final form with sif and loop and how they interact :) my ants. my mentally ill ants

(this sidesteps the curious meta element of how both the narration of siffrin to himself and loop addressing siffrin as they talk uses second person. it's very interesting but this is already gonna be long enough)

looking at all their interactions, especially through the lens of knowing who loop actually is, gives a pretty good idea of loop's attitude towards another version of themselves, and, by extension, their own self (this is a bit confusing because there are Too Many Siffrins Here)

the long and short is the resentment they feel towards themselves - because loop never went through the realization they're not unlovable - is externalized and often taken out on siffrin.

they are very condescending with how they interact with him. he's just a silly little stardust! so stupid, so naive! knows so little about literally everything. awww, let me help you out, stardust, before you hurt yourself.

on my first playthrough i actually initially distrusted loop a lot because of this. i saw it as the last thing siffrin would need when they already put themselves down so heavily; how they call themselves "stupid" multiple times for any and all mistakes they make and how unforgiving they are to themselves (especially the key hidden in the classroom exemplifies this). but with the knowledge of siffrin and loop starting out as the same person, it makes a stark amount of sense. when you have a mindset similar to siffrin's and loop's, no one will ever be more critical of you than you yourself.

it sometimes feels like loop's forgetting they're not talking to themselves internally and that this is a whole separate being they're talking to that they can't just externalize their own self-hatred onto, enough that they have to backtrack and apologize because hurting yourself in a way that resembles hurting someone else makes you think twice about what you're doing to yourself. there's a healthy dose of regret there, and guilt that they said something you can't easily erase from the mind of the person you said it to.

there is still care in loop's behavior. conversely to the previous statement, nothing will make you more sympathetic to your own plight than literally seeing it from an outsider's perspective and being able to acknowledge that you need help (sidenote, but kinda twisted of the universe to grant loop's wish in the most roundabout way possible. you want someone to help you? okay! help yourself! your other self, but hey, it counts, right?)

(cut here because this is getting out of control and i can't let it appear in unabridged form on anyone's dash, especially on mobile)

as acts go on and quests progress, loop gets these moments of honesty and empathy for siffrin more often. they obviously have been helping before but you know what i mean, don't you. those moments where loop's facade drops and we get a feeling that this isn't them acting, this is their true... shades, lol. examples!!

aftermath of touch therapy! of course they'd know what the root problem here is and how to best help. this is something acutely familiar to them and they're able to tell what siffrin needs to stop spiraling. and!! siffrin reciprocates this! haven't talked ab him and his attitude towards loop specifically a lot but this too is important. i'm rapidly becoming ill btw

forgetting the party's names upon waking up on the meadow and calling loop! it happened to loop before so seeing it happen to another version of you must make one feel... complicated. they patiently remind siffrin each name and make sure they're fine.

honestly, throughout the entirety of the story, but especially by the end of act 4, they find it very crucial to make sure they reassure siffrin they're there for him, that he's not alone in this. they know where feeling completely alone leads.

okay i can't take it anymore i gotta talk about this.

loop so doesn't want siffrin to use the dagger on themselves. it's genuinely heartbreaking to see their distress about the idea

they even try to dissuade siffrin from it later on, when you first attempt to use it, and are very very upset still afterwards

they care about siffrin!! they don't want to see him hurt! they don't want siffrin to befall the same awful fate they met where self-destruction melts into the natural state of being and you just spiral spiral spiral! they don't hate him, and seeing them fall so far from okay that they're fine with stabbing themselves to save time in a time loop where literally no time is wasted because it loops back anyway is awful for them.

this is where loop transforms from the voice in your head pointing out your deepest flaws to one that can tell what you're doing is self-destructive and bad for you and you really, really should stop. the, pardon my wording, tug on your stomach, like the one you get when you're standing over the ledge and looking down. and when you get the stupid thought how easy it would be to fall, your brain reacts by jolting you away. loop is the jolt.

loop is the inner instincts of siffrin personified at many points of the story. sometimes they're hurtful towards him as instincts of a self-destructive person are wont to do, which is justified with them just wanting that other version of themselves to Be Better, Get Better. and sometimes, it's self-preservation they depict; feeling at home with your self and expressing empathy towards yourself and your own awful situation.

when act 5 comes, loop is clearly crushed about not being able to help siffrin out, about not being able to get them out of their despair.

then, just like he's done with everyone else, siffrin rejects loop too. when siffrin shuns loop here, it's out of anger for being kept in the dark, yes, but it's also a rejection of any positive thoughts they might have about themselves.

siffrin's rejection of loop isn't only rejecting one last person they're close to like they did with their family members. it's a rejection of any and all instincts to care for himself and his well-being. it's the same thing that allows him to use crafts with no cooldowns. it's the same thing as memory of emptiness that lets him loop to the point where he died and just keep going. it's what lets mal du pays take form.

this refusal of loop's help is, in my opinion, the ultimate act of self-hatred in isat.

okay depression time over act6 twohats happy times yayy!!!

after a little bit because loop is - kinda justifiably - upset at how their suffering amounted to nothing and now this siffrin gets their happy ending. and they don't!! how is that fair? we have to keep in mind a lot of what we've learned was news to loop too. they spent so long in the loops, not knowing why, to the point where they begged the universe to get them out and help them.

their roles from act 5 essentially swap here. here loop is the one self-destructing and rejecting any help at all, and projecting the hell out of themselves onto siffrin, just like siffrin did in the "friendquests" in act 5.

so i haven't talked a lot about siffrin's outlook on loop before now (when his psyche is not literally split into tiny pieces, that is) but my little pet theory is that, just like they really hate repeating their lines, being all fake, and only do so because they feel they have to, they're often annoyed by loop because they can kind of sense the front they put out. if you hate the way you pretend, these feelings are most likely gonna transpose to another version of you doing the same thing.

but in this fight, the siffrin in it is not the one still trapped in the time loops. this is a siffrin tentatively learning that maybe it's okay to not hate yourself. so, just like act 5 is the greatest act of self-hatred, the ending of this fight is the ultimate act of self-love and self-acceptance, regardless of how it ends but with some caveats to both outcomes.

if siffrin wins, he refuses to hurt loop, stating outright that they don't hate themselves enough to do so. he won't do it even if loop is literally begging for it.

if loop wins, they cannot bring themselves to hurt siffrin. they feel too much empathy towards them. it's impossible to hate him - and themselves - the same after seeing the struggle from outwards.

regardless, they both exhibit the kind of care only you yourself can give yourself after fighting tooth and nail to prove to your own self-esteem that you're worth it. siffrin wouldn't be satisfied with killing loop because it would mean a rejection of some fragment of themselves.

siffrin went through a capital-C Change due to the loops (the theme of change in isat is another thing i could write on and on about), and part of that Change was having a version of you, your past self, still stuck in how they used to be and the situation that made them so. a healthy type of growth means changing for the better, yes, but also learning to love and respect who you used to be. if you met your younger self, would you resent them? or would you want them to know that all their struggles weren't for nothing? Change means leaving something behind but not forsaking it, letting it rot and fester unacknowledged

(insert rant about how isa's Change was actually kind of partial because he decided to completely sever ties with who he used to be instead of being appreciative of the aspects of himself he seems to still like, like being smart, and him resorting to hiding it instead WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME RIGHT NOW ASK ME LATER IF U WANNA but tl;dr actshually isa Change doesn't need to be full-on destruction because the eggshell is still there the Change God told me okay enough of this)

this. this is love. self-love given form. to me.

"you matter. your suffering mattered. it helped me become who i am right now. nothing was in vain. it hurt, and might still hurt for a long time - but it was never for nothing." that's what i got from this scene.

anywayyyyy i warned you!!! that this would be long!! if you let me yap! it's yap central over here. if you got all the way down here, thank you for enduring. have a cupcake :)🧁

[remxedmoon]

“the merciless cobra. its caustic venom can traverse any distance… as long as it stays out of danger.

…please, pay no mind to those ghastly stains. it must’ve been splashed with paint while my back was turned.”

reptile

1 power - 1 health - 3 blood

2 power - 3 health - 2 blood

sniper - you may choose which opposing space a card bearing this sigil strikes.

touch of death - when a card bearing this sigil damages another creature, that creature perishes.

hidden trait - gemmified

when a sigil is transferred to this card, it becomes gemmified. gemmified cards gain +1 power, +2 health, and -1 cost.

COBRADILE!! this was probably the most fun card to make out of all of them. also probably the prettiest card imo!!! writeup below!!

sniper and touch of death! pretty deadly combo. literally. you can just kill any card you please from any spot on the board. i was DEAD SET on giving her the sniper sigil. it just felt right.

GEMMIFICATION YIPEEE! this is a mechanic from act 3! but mox cards appear in act 2 as well. in base game inscryption, you need to have specific gem vessels on the field in order to activate the buffs (ruby for power, emerald for health, and sapphire for cost) but! mox cards and gem vessels aren’t really. in kaycee’s mod. and it would be super clunky to add them for a single card! so all you have to do is sacrifice a card’s sigils onto her. is this a little broken? maybe. but this is inscryption, literally everything is broken lol

^expanding on this, it still kinda fits lorewise? ka buans do compress their ashes into diamonds after all. let’s say that they compressed the creature into a diamond or something and that’s what’s powering her, idk

ok i’ll stop talking about the mox thing after this. both sif and odile were given mechanics from the other scrybes! siffrin requires bone tokens (grimmora) and odile has mox (magnificus). no sorry there’s nothing for p03. they don’t have computers in the isat world i think. i’m pretty sure.

initially i wanted to make her a stork or an ibis, but. all avian cards have the airborne sigil. which makes their attacks hit the opponent directly instead of their creatures. and that defeats the entire purpose of sniper. so she gets to be a spitting cobra! i think it’s more fun this way anyways. more fun shapes.

also this kinda spoils bonnie’s card a little but!! i put thought into the tribes too!!! the vaugardians (mirabelle, isabeau, and bonnie) are all from the hooved tribe! odile is a reptile and sif is tribeless because they’re outsiders. teehee.

ok patch time. she gets double strike, which makes her attack twice (as the name implies). i chose this in reference to memory of first strike (it just reminds me of it? idk) and also because it synergizes with sniper! you get to oneshot TWO cards in one turn! good god! odile really is merciless

that’s everything important about this card! i know this is long as hell but! that’s what happens when you introduce an entire new mechanic. i guess. anyways alt card art!!!

[glassladyoftheopera]

I spent so much time lurking that I forget when I have an idea for an AU I can just... post about it. So!

We have ISAT aus where someone other than Siffrin loops. We have aus where another member of the party loops with him. We have everyone BUT Siffrin is looping (Sif is Out by @mari-lair). We have an au where everyone starts looping with Siffrin later into the story. (Time is Fickle AU by @eyesoftheholder). We even have "everyone is looping but no one says anything."

But with all of this, have we considered...

An au where the whole party is looping from the beginning AND they all know it? You may think "but wouldn't everything get solve too fast?" But imagine with me...

Siffrin wakes up after the rock, and before he can even fully start to process what's happening Mirabelle comes running into the meadow, fretting and making sure Siffrin is okay. Pretty quickly she tries to brush it off. "Aw, I'm sorry Siffrin! I just had this weird... dream? That you got hurt when we went into the House tomorrow and--" "--Cause of the Death Corridor?" "Yeah, and then the trap-- WAIT YOU REMEMBER THAT???"

And pretty quickly after that the rest of the party shows up, and things get very chaotic as it's gradually revealed that yes, everyone does remember going into the House.

Siffrin definitely feels bad at first, because they died in such a stupid way, but the party manages to somewhat assuage their feelings. And by the end he thinks, "Yeah, I died, but I have my friends, and if we found the orbs together, then we can figure out why we went back in time."

But meanwhile, at the Favor Tree, Loop is having a god damn crisis.

Because Stars! This Siffrin gets to keep their friends! Will get to hear new conversations every time! Won't have to memorize a stupid blinding script to keep a secret that apparently did need to be kept! Why is Loop even here, then, if Siffrin will have all of his friends to help him escape the timeloop?

Now here is the place where I'm not as sure about what happens. On one hand, if Loop can keep a lid on it enough, I'm assuming they will just sulk by the Favor Tree for a good number of loops, but the Universe does still need Loop to help, so that is going to break down eventually, but when and how? Or... maybe Loop just snaps, and ends up projecting their anger at the situation directly into Siffrin's brain. Which would not explain anything, but does mean Loop can't really hide their existence from Siffrin.

Either way, I think Loop would refuse to talk to the rest of the Party. "I'm here to help you, Stardust, not anyone else!"

"But they're part of this too."

"And isn't that something!"

"Is there something stopping you from talking to them? Would something bad happen if they came too close?"

"No... and yes!"

So that's what I've got for now. We'll see if I settle on anything. Or if you have thoughts feel free to add them! I love a collaborative AU.

[moonshere]

Another day another ISAT live posting, some more thoughts and potential spoilers

Man man man where to even BEGIN! God this game gets more and more heart wrenching by the minute!!

to be clear, I’m currently at Act 3 I think? I tried to help everyone all at once so I did one full run with no skips to get all the info I needed, and I couldn’t stop thinking about what every else’s pov of Siffrin is like. At the moment my Siffrin is over lvl 60, so he managed to one-shot a lot of the enemies.

How does it look to everyone else? Your friend, the cheeky, pun-loving, trap and puzzle master. Who’s known more for their speed, killing enemies faster than anyone else. And while exploring they don’t look around, they just take the keys in the correct order and manage to choose the correct path every single time.

I noticed that some interactions you can make your friends notice that you’re acting suspiciously. So far I only got Odile to comment on it (and get interrupted rip) and Isabeau to say they will talk later about it. But I’m REALLY hoping there’s a way to get Siffrin’s friends to actually confront him before a loop end so he can actually freaking open up!!!

On that note, I know that I’ve only been talking about Siffrin (I can’t help myself ajdbhsbs they’re my absolute fav and consume my every thought!) I ADORE all the other characters too!!!

Mirabelle is soooooo freaking cute!! (I’ll be honest her character design is one of the reasons that made me want to play the game aidhisns) I’m so so so happy that she’s someone who’s aroace and adores romantic novels!!! There really isn’t that many aroace characters out there, especially one I relate to. But her!!!! It made me so happy!! I loved the scene between her and Siffrin (and that they’re ALSO ace and maybe alloromantic?? Demi??? I’m still unsure haha) their friendship means everything to me!! I also love the subtle way they confirmed she has anxiety! I’m kinda half wondering where she used to live before the House of Change considering how much she talked about how the headmaiden taught her everything

Odile is also so cool!! Finding out that she was only looking for half of her heritage, trying to find somewhere she belongs was something I did not expect but expands so much on her character. At first I thought she was just gonna be the Adult of the group, wise, knows what she’s doing, distant and Too Cool. But this was genuinely so good cuz it showed that Odile is just as unsure as everyone else. Hell, she and Siffrin turned out to have so much in common!! Finding a place to belong but finding nothing but yourself. I loved it so much!

little Bonnie!! They are so stinking cute I would absolutely die for them!! I like how- in a turn on how kids in video games are always put in incredibly dangerous situations and adults let them just cuz they are determined to help- Bonnie is always the one the group wants to protect the most. Even though they wanna help (and they do!! Their heals are lifesaving frfr) it’s always within the limit of their own safety. I also loved their hang out, the hug was so sweet!! Seriously, if anything happened to them I would cry

And lastly Isabeau!! He's so sweet!! i love how much he looks out for Siffrin! I’m not sure if it was a scripted event or that I managed to raise enough sus points for him to notice, but I love how when he noticed that Siffrin isn’t doing ok, he decided to postpone the confession just so he can properly focus later on Siffren’s own mental state! Also also! After looking at the romance novels once again, I almost screamed when Siffren said they were aware!!! They know that Isabeau likes them!! (And their self deprecating comment once again,,,,) Seriously, what torture it must be to see him almost confess over and over and fail everytime!! I definitely want to go back to the ending one more time to see if he ever manages to say it (but man is the king fight long,,,) His hang out was also sweet!! I think also a possible nod to what Siffrin’s home town is? If related to the stars?? But either way, the full on picnic afterwards was so cute!!

I just had to do a full run with them all together once again without any looping cuz Siffrin said so, all the new cutscenes with them together was just the sweetest!! The woodcutting one, the hair brushing, all of it is so soft!! the ending scene where they said they were a family just 🥹🥹🥹🥹 I can’t I can’t this game is too good!! I think the worst part of this though, is seeing Siffrin hoping, despite himself, that maybe, maybe, this time might be it. That all he needed was to be safe, to be happy, to be loved

And it still wasn’t enough

[vulpixisananimal]

SIFSTEM PLAYLIST

I got a few suggestions from people, and I have explinations for a lot of the music too BECASUE IM A HUGE MUSIC NERD!!! Below the cut!!

ALSO I'm gonna add more songs over time and will probably update this. Lol. I'm ALWAYS taking suggestions for it! I like music!!!

PLAYLIST ORDER

Each section for the Sifstem members is designated by an ISAT origonal song, and in each section is song for that member! There's two exceptions which I'll go over real quick!

Your fault/Last Midnight - First song on the playlist, it's about basicly all the members. It's about a bunch of characters arguing about who's fault it is that everything's gone to shit before blaming it on the witch. And then in Last Midnight the witch goes off on them about it doesn't matter who's to blame, they have to deal with it.

It takes two - Last song on the playlist. Also from Into the Woods, this, by contrast, is about how people change and work together well.

Also some songs I choose off lyrics, others off of just vibes.

NOW FOR THE SECTIONS

Siffrin

Final room (act 5/6) - If there was a good Siffrin theme from ISAT, I think this is it. I like it.

Russian Doll - "Why should I try again?" This was a song reccomended to me a while ago actually, it fits.

Touch - ok this one's a bit mean but, listen, he is so touch starved. This song fits. "Touch, I remember touch, feelings came with touch."

No dogs on the moon! - vibe song! Silly fella song!

Bohemian Rhapsody - one of my favorite songs of all time ever. There's too much to type out, tbh.

Loop

How can you help me, Stardust? - do I even need to say anything?

Absolutely cuckoo - listen to the lyrics. "You might decide I'm a nut \ Give me a week or two to \ go absolutly cuckoo \ then when you see your error \ you can flee in terror" LIKE COME ON

The Future - "I'm worried about the future, ain't fucking with that past shit." Loop is really trying to move on. How could they? They're stuck in their betters shadow, their mind.

A humans touch - this one was by @\jackoboltrades! Very fitting for Loop who still feels they don't deserve love, or that they're just a star, not human, not real.

Rage Awakened - based purely on the loop fight. It's a vibe song but I love this song. Also Lingering Will (the character this theme is for) does have some similarities to Loop, being echoes of the past defeats and wishes.

Haunted - being haunted by past mistakes or just the past in general. Though it has some romantic undertones that I can take or leave

Mal Du Pays

Mal Du Pays - AGAIN do I need to explain anything

Mr. FEAR - "Hello, my name is mr. fear." considering how Mal Du Pays is introduced and how it interacts with Siffrin, well, that line alone makes it an MDP song.

Dark Impetus - Vibe song! Mysterious figure cloaked in dark, too. Lol.

Ghosts - "Maybe the past aint what it cracked up to be \ Maybe I'll find a way to just move on \ Maybe we're all ghosts cause I cant feel the ground \ And all these shades they dont make a sound \ I think there is a God \ I think he hates his job" Do I need to say anything.

Stained, Brutal Calamity - Recomended by a friend! Both vibes but also the lyrics that come later have a MDP vibe. I like it.

Burn My Dread (last battle) - "Tear up your fear \ the end is coming near" Honestly Persona 3 has a vibe that could fit MDP quite well.

Null

I WON'T LET YOU GO HOME - Act 5 Siffrin, someone who's both repressing their own feelings to their family but also doesn't want to let them go, to the point of hurting everyone. Nuff said.

Panoramic Feeling - this and the other Katana Zero songs are here cause, well, Zero fictive, plus has the vibe.

All for now - same song used to fight Ramos. It was this or Full Confession, and this fits more for it's desperate or crazed vibe.

L'impeto Oscuro - This is actually a retrain of Dark Impetus, it's the them of a time traveler who can stop time (Kingdom hearts lore dont worry about it.) This specific mix also included the music for when time is stopped during the fight. It's ruthless, endless.

I'm my own master now - Very heavy and hard and strong and powerful, also! The Lyrics! "Bear the mark of my scars \ Shedding blood underneath the stars"

Labyrinth - Being lost in an endless labarynth of their own mind. Very much like act 5 Siffrin, like Null. Plus, Null is not exactly mentally stable.

Rain on brick - Katana Zero song, it's the menue theme. It's just. . . Vibes.

[northwest-cryptid]

I remember signing up for a forum in which they had a page of general rules. You know, all the standard stuff like "be good to each other, don't harass people" that sort of thing. However one such rule caught my eye, simply "no acronyms" I thought this was somehow in reference to stuff like LGBTQIA+ but no, that doesn't make sense the forum in question is fairly left leaning. Anyways I went on with my day and realized it was so nice to talk to people on the forum, I felt like I knew what people were talking about. We discussed our favorite games, tv shows, etc. It was nice, and thus I came to tumblr for a bit of scrolling and immediately saw a post about isat, I don't know what that is so I kept scrolling, found a post about tma I didn't know what that was so I kept scrolling, found another post about iwtv I still don't know what people are on about so I keep scrolling...

It hit me, I knew what these things were. I've been interested in picking up In Stars and Time, I've been listening to The Magnus Archives, I've watched Interview With The Vampire. However, I didn't engage with ANY of those posts... why not? Well because I didn't know what isat, tma, and iwtv were. We use acronyms for media, we use it for things, we use it for what someone is.

"They are The Magnus Archives and I'm TME." Wait wait, no that's not what TMA means in this context... On that topic do you have any idea how long it took me to understand TMA and TME? Because I still don't fully understand what's what and who's who and whether or not we should even be using those.

I understand there's a certain want to type everything out quickly, but I stg idk wtf anyone is saying anymore. Call me a boomer all you want, but I grew up with the age of the acronym, I remember when everyone was loling and lmaoing and shit. It doesn't make it any easier to identify, learn, and remember all the new ones coming out all the time; especially when they're context sensitive.

It's more inclusive, and also just easier to talk on a subject when people just actually bother to type shit out. I know, I know; boomer opinion or whatever. The thing is, there's one more rule on that forum that really stuck with me. The idea of permanence; basically the rule stated something along the lines of "try to make your posts more than just one sentence long, and care about what you're posting; because it's going to be here forever/a long time."

I think more than anything this is what people who are newer to the internet don't "get" as much, and I think it's sort of infected everyone old or new, this concept of flash in the pan here and gone entertainment. A tik tok is not meant to be sat and enjoyed, it's meant to be a flash in the pan hit or dopamine you scroll past; and people constantly say "well that's bullshit it's rotting brains it's ruining kid's attention spans!" They say this while scrolling past 20 - 30 posts on tumblr looking at a pretty picture "ooh"-ing and "ahh"-ing and then scrolling to the next. They stop to make a 2 second post, and then go back to "doomscrolling" but they're not like those kids on tiktok or whatever.

Everything is made to be short, digestible in 10 seconds; and made to be tossed aside the moment you're done with it, never to worry about it again. It's meant to be a silly 10 second joke, nothing more, and possibly everything less. Youtube shorts, instagram reels, tiktok, tumblr posters who get mad at me for typing more than 1 paragraph and say I'm "ranting and writing entire essays" because I dared to literally write for more than literally 3 minutes when responding to them.

I understand now why I love forums, it's because the culture is so slow, people are asked to take their time, make a post that's thought provoking; ask a question and anticipate a thoughtful answer that might not come in for another week. It's not here and gone dopamine, it's not "how many notes will I get" it's just good old fashion communication. Talking to people, sharing what you love and what you want to talk about; enjoying the discussion instead of turning off replies and arguing with everyone who "doesn't get it" when you make some post that doesn't make any sense.

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Life story Part 26

By the end of the year, my geology/math teacher, Mrs. Kerrick, in all earnest trying to get me to come to class since she knew full and well like everyone did, minus my dear old dad that I was skipping half my classes tried calling our home phone one day when I didn't show up. On this particular day, I had decided upon waking that today was simply too much, and I decided to stay home and surf the web. There was a call, and I could hear this insistence between the rings that let me know that someone was calling on behalf of me, about an hour after class. She left a message saying “Renee, I know you are there. I know you are not sick. You need to come to school. Renee...” I was sitting at the computer just looking at the answering machine saying my name in my teachers voice quite awkwardly. It made me pretty nervous. What if she came to the house?

I understand completely why she called. It was perhaps a little intrusive, but more than understandable, given that I had literally been absent half the time for almost a year. I think more than anything. what she was trying to do was be a good teacher who held me accountable. So I don't blame her for this. And I don't blame myself for skipping like I did either. This was the way things had to be. There was never any other way for them to go. It was an opportunity that was there and open for me with little or no oversight from a single adult, and furthermore, with everything in my life put into consideration, I was not emotionally equipped to go to school in a way that I couldn't really articulate to an adult without being shamed. If I had tried to explain my aversion to being there seven and a half hours a day,  I would have been told that my feelings were wrong. Being a teenager puts you in an unfair double bias. If you are overpunished, it's either because you are one of the 'bad ones', or you need to be given a stricter sentence because that is the only way you will get to be a 'functioning adult'. And if you have anything to say about it, you are automatically angsty and hormonal and nothing you say has any merrit because you are still a child. There would be no winning had I tried to reach out to anyone.

Plus, I just have this side of me that gets a thrill from doing little things I am not supposed to. This is not a teenager thing. This is a 'me' thing. I have found ways to muffle about 90% of that side of me since I have to pay bills and make ends meet and try to get enough money to be open to new opportunities and such. But oh, if I had no worries. I love bending the rules.

Anyway, knowing that this might be the beginning in a grander attempt of Mrs. Kerrick's to get me to school on time everyday and might eventually lead to other teachers getting involved to rally against my tardy self, I knew I had to smother this fire out quick. So, I called my dad immediately, and told him I had been puking, and of course, for all his skepticism about me and how awful I was, he always believed me so wholeheartedly when I said I was sick, no matter how obvious and preposterous my condition was. It almost hurt too much lying that hard. And as a parent, it almost made him kind of terrible, because if I really had been sick as often as I claimed, he should have taken me to the doctors. Absolutely nobody is sick as often as I said I was and lives to see eighteen. I also let him know that my 'scary teacher' Mrs. Kerrick was harassing me on the phone and it was making me feel worried (I felt bad about this, but a girl's gotta do ya know?). And like a good father, he called the school and talked to the principal, who told Mrs. Kerrick she had to stop pestering me – much to the dismay of all the teachers who knew what I was doing, I am sure. So I won that one. My dad felt proud that he defended his poor sick daughter. I was in the wrong of course and I knew this, but I still won and sometimes that is what matters. I remember going to school that Monday and seeing a look on her face – not that she was angry at me, but just a sort of knowing resignation.

The principal took me into his office the end of that year, for a serious talk. He said I was one of the top ten students with the worst grades in the whole school and he let me know about it. His mustache twitched as he scolded me aggressively. He didn't like my attitude either, and he had seen it time and time again, so I was told. Kids like me grew up to be either deadbeats or died young – he'd seen it all. What he told me that he couldn't figure out, was why was it that I scored like a 12th grader on my ISAT tests, but had 28% on my school math? It irked him and he seemed sure I was on drugs, which he grilled me on. I couldn't of course explain to him that I was at a loss as to why I got such test scores either. My uncanny skill at multiple choice online tests reminds me of what I had read of chicken sexers who grab baby chicks quickly on a conveyor belt, and just seem to know what they gender of the chicklet is without consciously knowing what they are seeing. I hate using that example since I hate the meat industry, but that really is comparable to my test taking abilities in the format they presented me with. I just had that particular game figured out. He thought I was a deliberate fuck up of the worst kind. He then told me that if he could legally kick me out of the school he would have. Real students were dishonored to have to see a face like mine in the hallway with them, when they work so hard for their good grades. He felt that I was a waste of everyone's time and I was better off if I wasn't there anymore making him and my peers look bad before the state. I should feel sick with shame he thought. I calmly took it, and then asked if I was being held back. He said I was not because the school could not afford it. That's all I needed to hear and I was good.

I hated this girl named Amanda in my class. Partially because she had always hit on Kyle, but for other reasons that I no longer remember or agree with, like she had sex a lot or something dumb that an 8th grade girl would judge another 8th grade girl over. She was sort of phony I guess. I don't know really though. She might have been rude to me at some point in time. Anyway, she asked me to sign her yearbook. I didn't get a year book ever because my dad didn't think it was money worth spending, and he also didn't approve of me being invested in social activities in school. In my dad's mine, I would get good grades if I didn't have friends. He was deeply troubled by my friendships. He didn't fight me on this, or prevent me from seeing my friends, but in his mind the problem with people is that they cared too much for one another. I assume this notion was in due to his own repeated failings in friendship, family and romance which the later often caused him to waste large amounts of his money, perhaps mixed with a true confusion on the mystery of why teenage girls are the way they are, mixed with conservative talk radio and the whole Randian concept of 'self reliance'.

Amanda asked me to write something in her yearbook. I took this as an opportunity to let her know what I thought. I wrote in her year book that I hated her and that I hoped that she choked to death on dick. She was in shock, but she was laughing and everyone was. I don't even know if I meant it or not. I was nice to her about what I had written. I just gave it back to her and smiled. I ended up writing strange things in everyone's yearbook kind of like that because they all wanted to know what I would say.

I decided from this to make my own yearbook to satire the real one. I drew quick pictures of everyone in the class. I drew a mishmash of arms and legs, that was supposed to represent the poorly made collages of girls basketball and boy's football that took up pointless pages to convey somehow. And then I had people sign my yearbook in the end. I guess I probably lost that homemade yearbook though. a t some point. I might have given it to Sarah, who lost it – or maybe she does still have it locked away somewhere. In any case, that is the only year book that I ever owned and I was pretty proud of it.

In the keeping of the spirit of feeling free, I was watching a lot of television, which I was told growing up would ruin me and rot my brain. I could do nothing right by anyone's standards I guess. As someone in their twenties now, I can do many of the things that I did as a teenager, no problem. But back then I was chastised by people who were way worse than me. My real crime was being young. To be fair, I am really grateful that I didn't watch television growing up. I think it made me a better person ultimately. And I do imagine that a lot of television isn't good for you. But because I had been so sheltered from technology all my life – chopping wood for fires, having only a radio that I had to use tin foil to get channels, we didn't even get a DVD player till 2006, I actually got a lot out of watching music videos and other shows, even through all the phoniness and empty shallow stuff. I had never been really exposed to all that style and body language that I would see on the screen. It elevated my existence and spoke to that part of me that is always looking for an existence that is condensed and heightened. And given my circumstances, I will argue that having television for that time in my life was more good than bad. I watched all the music videos religiously, and I studied the musicians and message conveyed in each music video. This was a formal education in aesthetics. And at the time, I was starting to really get into pop punk (eh, I know). But even that lame attachment I had to that music that I no longer listen to, grew and changed into means of expression that are worthy of having. Pop punk for me at the time, made me feel like individuality and self expression was really a good thing. It gave me an alternative to the preppy princess look, and all the normal pop music. And at that point in my life, I could relate to the lyrics much better. I could get into elements of a pop song when I was young – but I could never relate to a Christina Aguilera song. I didn't party or date or anything like that. But I could relate to a whiny Simple Plan song about being uncool, unaccepted, and feeling on edge.

My new favoritest of favorite albums – probably my true first favorite album in my collection up to that point since I didn't like my Avril Lavigne album, was the debut All American Rejects album – something I would never in a million years find appealing now – can't stand the vocals mostly, but at the time, the opening song My Paper Heart, accompanied by the Swing Swing song was really something I could not get enough of. As soon as the album was over, I would put it on again. And again. I would listen to it before school and get this strong boost of weird music induced confidence. Which made me feel a whole lot better. Music really saved my life at this time (even though it was terrible music most of it).

I didn't watch that many movies, but I do remember that I really idolized Jennifer Connelly in a movie called Career Opportunities – I believe it was called. I don't even remember much about the movie, only that I thought her character was just stunning – as she is always quite pretty in all her movies. The most notable scene in that movie was where she was riding the quarter taking pony for kids in a very seductive manner, and it might actually be the only real worthwhile part of that movie looking back. I wanted to be just like her. Of course, I never was, and never have been, and never shall be. Some dreams are not meant to come true. Another noteworthy movie - I also watched Girl, Interrupted and really had a lot of feelings for that movie as well.

And I remember one April day, I believe it was Kurt Cobain's death day April 5th, and I was watching one of the music channels, and they were playing Unplugged in New York. I had never really liked Nirvana at that point. My older sister Roxanne used to listen to Nevermind pretty often, but I had always thought he sounded very unhappy, and it kind of bummed me out when I was eight. I didn't understand why anyone would want to yell like that. I was much more interested in The Barbie Girl song in those times. But watching Kurt Cobain sing some of those songs in that memorable live setting, it was the first time I really was seeing something that seemed completely real to me on TV. He seemed more human than other people. I thoroughly enjoyed it and was even brought to tears.  Not to mention. I was also astounded at just how gorgeous Kurt Cobain was. After watching that performance, I had this sense of calm in me, like that feeling one gets when they have a meaningful conversation with a close friend after a long separation.

My dad and Jodi finally broke it off. It was a series of events that eventually devolved into a fight and then a lame attempt to fix it. I guess, Jodi decided to move back to her old place, which wasn't getting bought by anyone I guess after all. Jessie hadn't liked the school in Kendrick, and my father and Jodi were fighting all the time. In a sweep of paranoia, my father ended up recording Jodi's phone conversations over the course of a few months. At first, the conversations were positive to people she knew, and then he started hearing her talk to drug dealers and other men. I was staying the night at her house, when my father silently woke me up and said we were leaving. He was shaky and upset. He took a bunch of gifts that he had bought for her, and said they were mine. He told me that Jodi was cheating on him and on meth. Then the next day, he angrily took the things that I didn't even want from me like I had stolen them from Jodi and gave them back to her. The whole thing was a mess. I guess she was getting high on hard drugs. The wedding was off. My dad kept going to her house for a few months off and on due to relationship inertia I suppose, but eventually their two year hell ride was at a close. This made him really crazy, and I took the punishment for his frustration, fears, self loathing and mistrust. But I will tell all about that later.

Symbolically, and because I no longer had any attachment to school, I just skipped the last day of eighth grade. It would have been a piece of cake to just show up, but I didn't. I sat home and played on the computer. My friends came together and found me after school I my house. Ava always came into people's houses by screaming or acting psychotically. It was alarming. She often was clumsy and would knock something over. Which was either entertaining and endearing or really uncalled for and crazy. It was this mixture that made her what she was and made her fun to be around.

Anyway, I did not expect them to come find me so early, but I guess the last day of school ended earlier than I had originally thought. So when Ava crashed through the door unexpectedly, I flew backwards and due to the force of my shock induced backwards momentum, I actually did three somersaults in a row before my body finally stopped. I remember feeling like I was being tossed by a machine. I just flew. I had no control over this entire situation, but it ended up doing me an unexpectedly great favor. My neck had been paining me for a few years. I had troubles bending it at all some days. I could look to my right at all more often than not. When I flew backwards and did those somersaults, it corrected my neck issue and some of my back pain somehow. It could so easily have done more damage, but it didn't. It was wonderful fortune for me. I remember getting up off the ground and my neck didn't hurt anymore. It could have been a religious moment. It was amazing. I was beginning to feel good again.

Sadly, things weren't working out with Pepsi and she was taken away from me. She bit through ropes to go free so often that it was hard for me to really know what to do with her. She still wasn't really potty trained. I had tried to put a leash on her, but since trying to take her for a walk never seemed to work and she always escaped, I had to pretty much control her by constraining her in a way that wasn't fair to her autonomy, and I since I was really bad at this dog thing, I thought I had to punish her every time she pulled the leash. Needless to say – this was horrible for me to do. I wasn't as patient as I should have been. Which made her hate and fear me. I was doing a terrible job.

One day, I was trying to put the leash on her, and she fought back very rough. It was borderline going to end in her attacking me. She didn't bite me, but she growled in a serious fashion, and got away. Had I tried anything else, she was going to nail me. She was done with my bullshit and in a lot of ways I feel like I had tried to control her with force, and I had not taken into account that she was a faultless dog who had no real reason to respect the rules of human beings. Like the people who tried to put restrictions on my thoughts at school and at home, I had unknowingly been trying to do the same thing to poor Pepsi. I felt this shock of realization go through me when she got out of my grasp in the living room, and she gave me this look. It was like mother nature was slapping me in the face. This look said so much. It was probably one of the most intense stare downs I have ever received. In that stare, I could see the misery she had been feeling, the resentment. She didn't trust me and none of this was fair. If I attempted to do something she didn't like, I felt like she was letting me know she would bite me. She was done with me. For the next month, I would try to pet her to get her to be my little puppy again – to try to start again, and she would walk away. She only came to me if I fed her.  She hated my guts. I didn't know what to do. And then whenever I wasn't home, I had to tie her up outside so she didn't chew up the house. This made her stir crazy, and after we put her on a metal chain, she behaved very aggressively. She was mad at having to be my dog. She would bark at everyone who passed.

One day, Katie was walking with another girl in her class whom she spoke to occasionally, and they decided to go in the yard. Pepsi was familiar with Katie, so she didn't growl or bark at her, but she didn't know the other girl, Mia, and so she tried to bite Mia, and ended up ripping Mia's pants as Mia tried to get away. Katie did what she thought was right, and she called the police. It was a bit strange to me that none of this was ever talked about with me to have one of my best friends call the police on my dog without talking to me, but perhaps on this Katie knew best.

So after that, my dad decided we had to get rid of Pepsi. I was heartbroken. It made no sense to me that he would buy me something I was supposed to love and cherish and then take it away from me. It was the painful end to a disappointing year for me.  I understood that the reasons were valid, and I also understood that I had failed miserably as a pet owner.  But it still broke my heart. She was in many ways my baby. And I cried for several weeks straight. My father felt badly. All those nights that year that I had been depressed. I remember I would look down at her calm sleeping dog face, and it was always a comfort to me, perhaps one of the only ones I had. I know I shouldn't have ever put her value in terms of how she made me feel, but it was hard. Despite all the problems, I really did love that dog.

My dad got this guy at work to agree to take her to a ranch he owned, where she would be free to run and be with other dogs. I tried to be happy for her, as I watched three men try to wrestle her down and put her in the back of the pick up. She was confused, angry and scared. She barked and lashed out in vain. They drove off and I never saw her again. For awhile my dad didn't tell me the truth about what happened. She had gotten loose in the back of the truck, and she jumped out on the way to Lewiston. They could not catch her. The only reason my dad told me was that by sheer luck, she had been found – starving but alive several months later towards the end of town. But my dad just assumed she was dead. She was taken in to the same place where we had gotten her from. One day, about a year later after that, my father had been driving down the road when he saw Pepsi being walked by a lady he knew from high school. He pulled over, and called her name, which she looked at him. They had renamed her something that sounded like Pepsi, like Mupsy or something.

I guess she had psychological dog issues, and had to be treated for dog mental illness. She probably picked it up from me. I felt really guilty. But she was in good shape now. She could be walked, and I had never been able to make that happen. I was going to go see her, but by the time my dad finally got around to bringing me to her house – since the lady agreed I could see her – she had been given away to another home. And then, two years later, Katie sees Sarah and I at a table eating and comes up to tell us that she had spotted her. She was owned by a retired truck driver who lived in the woods. And she seemed really happy. At least, Katie seemed to know it was her. I hope that Pepsi had a good life wherever she ended up. If she is still alive today, she would be 17 years old. Which it's possible she would still be alive, but I am guessing probably not.

I only got picked up on the weekend from my mother one time for an eighth month period. Roxanne's money was mostly gone by this point. All the people who had helped her spend that money were gone. She had a desperate look on her face – a need to ride what she had to it's end. She could no longer afford to buy my grandpa Roy's house, so my uncle kicked her out. Everyone moved out and came back to Lewiston. I don't know how that whole thing ended. I had stayed away. On the one weekend where Roxanne and my mother did come to pick us up. Roxanne and my mother were distant in the front seat talking among one another so I could not hear. I found out years later they were planning on getting completely high on meth that weekend – and why they picked us up at all I cannot say. They put us in a cheap hotel that weekend and left. I thought they would be back, but they never showed up. I ended up watching the History Channel for days straight. My mom had left crackers and little debbies and things like that. I stayed up all night, convinced of everything the history channel wants you to be convinced of – that human beings were an alien experiment, absolutely everything that happened in the bible was actually because of a UFO, Jesus was an Alien and so on. I watched hours of History's Mysteries. I was totally freaked. Eventually my dad came and picked us up.

My mom had dumped James by this time. I asked her years later how she did that. They had been together for 5 years and then it had come to an end. She told me that it was at my grandpa's house. He was taking a bath in the Jacuzzi when my mom walked in. Fully clothed, she got into the Jacuzzi with him which alarmed him. She then told him that she wanted to break up with him – that he hadn't gotten a job for the entire time they had been together, didn't practice the music they had planned, and was just free loading and was more like a child than a man and she was sick of him. And that was the end of James.

I've seen him a few times since. Once, about three years ago I was in a supermarket in north Idaho, and I saw him in the aisles. He has not changed a bit. We had never talked before then, so I wasn't about to start then and I switched aisles so as not to be detected. He didn't recognize me anyway though. I look quite a bit different now. And for a while there, I heard he was playing in a band in Spokane with this twelve year old child prodigy and his father. It was mostly like Rush and Dio type music – but then the story goes, he got kicked out of that band for being drunk all the time. They even used some of my mother's lyrics. Sometimes for years, when I heard a motorcycle roll through town, I might look over and see a very very small man with long hair riding on the motorcycle off in the distance. And I know it's James.

It's hard to imagine 90,000 dollars disappearing in less than a year, but that's what happened. So much drugs. My mother ended up overdosing, so I am told. Which scared her, and she cut down the serious partying and became more of a casual barfly. She never did meth again. Roxanne was hooked though. With the last bit of her money, her and Jody rented a trailer in Clarkston and bought a very dumpy looking truck. It was smelly and falling apart. The set up was beyond depressing. If Roxanne didn't have pills or meth she would scream and cry. She never left the house. Her sons were monsters and they would attack you for fun. She got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The entire apartment was covered in garbage. Her and her kids all lived in this, but she mostly hid in the back room with her drugs. Jody was gone all the time. She kind of chased him away every time he did come into the trailer. He might have been the most responsible for spending her money.  It had all come out that he had cheated on Roxanne and had three babies with three other women in the time that he had also had three children with Roxanne. He was just dumb and they could barely tolerate one another.

As for me, I was growing a lot as a person. I was glad that I had gotten over Kyle. And I felt like my brain was rewiring and the world seemed exciting, fresh and new and I believed I was headed for greatness, regardless and against what anyone told me. A lot of my time was actually spent fighting off everyone who wanted to bring me down. I had hit this bottom where it no longer felt that good to feel sorry for myself or be a helpless bystander in my life. As soon as I got over Kyle, I started shedding weight, and my acne permanently cleared up – for the most part. Of course, like many people if you look closely at my skin, you can see marks of acne. After that summer I was going to be going into 9th.

If for any reason you should like to see what i have written thus far..

PART 25 -  http://tinyurl.com/y6v6pgoj

PART 24 - http://tinyurl.com/ycak5d8r

PART 23 - http://tinyurl.com/yac6sk3g

PART 22 -  http://tinyurl.com/yat6cfnw

PART 21 -  http://tinyurl.com/y783egno

PART 20 - http://tinyurl.com/y8jskymt

PART 19 - http://tinyurl.com/rfhbms8

PART 18 - http://tinyurl.com/ycrznrwk

PART 17 - http://tinyurl.com/y77unlng

PART 16 - http://tinyurl.com/yadpsv8c

PART 15 - http://tinyurl.com/yb3lt6k5

PART 14 - http://tinyurl.com/yb4cfedq

PART 13 - http://tinyurl.com/yalanq9s

PART 12 - http://tinyurl.com/yc79mw94

PART 11 - http://tinyurl.com/yc9qhj84

PART 10 - http://tinyurl.com/yb734w24

PART 9 - http://tinyurl.com/yc2t6vfw  

PART 8 - http://tinyurl.com/ybl37utq

PART 7 - http://tinyurl.com/ybvo283g

PART 6 - http://tinyurl.com/kbc9dwu

PART 5 - http://tinyurl.com/msnz4am

PART 4 - http://tinyurl.com/k9x8esg

PART 3 - http://tinyurl.com/mwp9atx

PART 2 - http://tinyurl.com/lbt6xq2

PART 1 - http://tinyurl.com/l8xbvg8