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viceroywrites · 4 months

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private show

part one of three - henchman 21 x camstar!reader

ao3 ver here

Gary ends up stumbling upon your profile on a camstar website 24 had mentioned to him. He quickly becomes your most loyal viewer and top tipper.

So why not reward him with a private show?

(Set during Season 3/Pre-Two Ton 21)

cw: smut ahead includes the following: reader is a sex worker/camstar, usage of sex toys. 18+ only, minors dni.

To say Gary’s romantic life was non-existent was the understatement of the year.

Becoming a henchman at the age of 15 and his only social interactions being hanging out with 24 around the cocoon, it made sense why. There were little to no opportunities to meet someone outside of the Guild world since being a henchman was a 24/7 job. Gary hadn’t even told his mom that he was a henchman - how was he supposed to break that news to a potential girlfriend. The only romance Gary experienced nowadays was a one-sided pining crush on his boss’ now-wife, Sheila.

Somehow during one of his and 24’s hangouts, 24 had mentioned a particular cam model website that he perused every so often when the two had gotten into a discussion about what material they use to “relieve themselves.” Out of sheer curiosity, Gary looked into the site the following evening, clicking through cam model after model. About to call it quits and fall back on his classic spank bank material, his eyes widen at the sight of you, quickly clicking on your photo to tune into your live.

He can already feel the material of his pajama pants tighten despite it looking like he arrived at the very end of your stream, your skin glistening with a light sheen of sweat as you were wrapped up in a fuzzy robe. Gary’s hand drifts lower, palming his thick bulge through his pants, your voice a bit raspy after what he assumed was an intense cam session, adding to the allure. Unlike the other models who seemed like they had a rehearsed script of moans and dirty talk, you spoke casually to your chat, answering questions casually.

“No, guys, no matter how much you tip, I’m not going another round. Are you trying to kill me?” You chuckle, watching as the comments stream in. Your eyes scan over the sea of comments, playfully responding to a few of your regular viewers who often tipped generously. Gary watched in want, almost longing for your attention as your soft laughter sent shivers down his spine, continuing to stroke himself through his pajama pants. You let out a yawn, the fatigue slowly hitting you. “Alright, I’m about to knock out, guys. Any last words before I end the live?”

Gary’s not sure if it was pure horniness or a longing to get a sliver of your attention that drove his hands to reach up, pausing their ministrations as his fingers type out a response.

‘Dude, I came in just 3 minutes ago but you’re actually stunning.’ - guest account

Your eyebrows raise at the guest comment since most guest accounts just pop in quietly, and then dip. Your lips curl into a tired grin, realizing whoever this commenter is came in late, but still stuck around just to hear you ramble for the last 3 minutes.

“Why thank you, mysterious guest commenter! Sorry to hear you missed the fun. I promise you I look better without the robe but you’ll just have to tune in next time to see, won’t you?” You reply with a wink. Gary stares at his screen in awe, shocked that you noticed his comment amidst the sea of responses spamming you for a response. “Oh fuck…” He whines, stroking his cock with renewed vigor through the fabric as his mind drifts to the thought of your soft skin underneath the robe.

“Good night everyone! Thanks for tuning in!” You say, blowing one final kiss to the camera which Gary groans at, cumming prematurely right as the screen cuts to black. Staring back at his reflection, he curses, glancing down at his now ruined pajama pants, “Oh dude, I just washed these!”

After quickly changing his pants and boxers, Gary finds himself snooping through your profile. He figures out through your bio that you typically are live two times a week - once on Wednesday nights and once on Saturdays. Despite just cumming, he feels his erection begin to grow again as he clicks through your gallery, seeing photos of you in different states of undress from lingerie to topless but no full nudity.

In a matter of seconds, Gary finds himself creating a profile with the username Viceroy and follows your profile, eager for your next live.

–

Over the span of the last few months, Gary had become a regular on your stream, joining right on time and usually being one of the first people to leave a comment with a small tip. He had set a reminder on his phone so he knew when you were going live, dropping whatever task he was doing as long as he wasn’t on an arch with the Monarch to go watch.

His new found obsession with you was no secret as it became a common topic of conversation with his best friend.

“Dude, you should totally ask for a private show. I mean you’ve tipped on every single live and you’re a moderator for her chat! She’s totally into you.” 24 said excitedly as they both exited the lunchroom after enjoying Wednesday’s buffalo wings.

“Oh god no! I’m totally fine watching them through a screen, thank you very much. Besides, if she took one look at me, she’d run for the hills.” Gary sighed, reaching down to cup his stomach.

“Aw, come on, dude, don’t get all self-deprecating on me. Total mood killer.” 24 nudges his friend’s side, hoping to lighten the mood, “You never know, some girls love chubby guys, they say they’re better to cuddle with.”

“She did say during a live that she prefers guys with a little more weight to them.. Maybe I might have a shot.” Gary perks up, the pair making their way down the long purple hallway back to their rooms. He feels his cell phone vibrating in the pocket of his henchman uniform, fishing it out. A notification flashes on his screen, indicating that you’re about to go live.

“Oh dude, she’s live. I gotta go!”

Just as they round the corner, they run into the Monarch who stops them in their tracks, “21, 24, I need you both bright and early tomorrow to do some reconnaissance at Venture’s gay little summer camp he’s hosting.”

“Didn’t your wife say you weren’t allowed to arch Venture anymore?” 24 questioned with Gary chiming in while checking his phone, antsy to get back to his room, “Yeah, she’ll probably notice 24 and I are missing and she’ll know right away where we are.”

“Hmm, you’re right. Maybe I get those lousy moppets of hers to do it for me. Though even speaking to those two gives me the creeps.” Malcolm shudders with his henchman nodding in agreement.

“Honestly, I don’t know why you ask us to do these things all the time, I mean you have 100 other henchmen right?” 24 comments to which Malcolm shakes his head, “No way, most of the henchmen that are ranked above you haven’t even been here for a year. You and 21 are my most loyal men, considering you two stuck around and didn’t ditch me for Monstroso. You know how this whole operation works.”

Seeing the time continue to tick away, Gary interrupts their conversation, “Sorry boss, I really gotta go! See ya later! ” He scurries off, leaving the two behind.

“Where the hell is he running off to?” The Monarch says in confusion.

“Oh, he got super into this camstar website I told him about and he watches this one model on there religiously.” 24 replies casually.

“Dude! Why did you tell him that?” Gary’s voice echoes down the hallway, picking up what 24 said right before he ran out of ear shot.

“What the hell was I supposed to say? Your mom was calling? That’s even more embarrassing, might as well tell him the truth.” 24 yelled to which Malcolm pinched the bridge of his nose with a sigh.

“I can’t believe you two are my most capable men.”

You had just started your live stream, making sure your ring lights surrounding your bed were properly set up before sitting back on the edge of the bed.

You look over the comments, greeting each person as they came into the room and left a tip. Though in reality, you were anxiously waiting for a particular someone - Viceroy.

He started popping into your lives in the last few months, leaving small but consistent tips and attending every single live with a few exceptions here and there. What made him stand out from the rest of the crowd was his sweet yet dorky nature. Most people, even your top tippers, would keep the conversation purely sexual or casual. At some point in the live show, Viceroy always left a sweet message, either wishing you a good night, or asking you if you’ve watched any of the shows he recommended.

The dynamic that you had with him did not go unnoticed by your other viewers who either got green-eyed with envy and tried to catch your attention with more generous tips or encouraged the banter between you two.

After a few instances of some viewers getting a bit too jealous and becoming aggressive in their comments, you had decided it would be best to get a chat moderator and you found yourself naturally gravitating towards his profile, sending him a private message and asking if he would mind managing the chat moving forward.

Outside of that, you two only interacted during lives which had your curiosity peaking each time you went live.

What was he like behind the screen?

What were his interests and hobbies?

What did he do for a living?

What did he look like?

You admittedly did some stalking on his profile which resulted in no answer to your many questions, his profile blank outside of his age and a profile picture of a yellow butterfly.

‘Guess he’s running late, I’ll get started then.’ You think to yourself as it has been a good 3 minutes of waiting and your audience was getting antsy, wondering when you were going to start.

“Alright guys, which toy should I use today?” You ask with a smile, reaching behind you to grab two objects - a vibrant yellow dildo in your right hand and a pink vibrator in your left.

“I know the vibrator’s a classic on my streams but I figured I’d throw in another option.” You say as you watch the comments flood in, requesting their choice while also throwing in other suggestions for other toys.

‘Let’s go with the classic!’

‘How about that rose toy you used a few weeks ago?’

‘Yellow dildo!’

“Looks like the yellow dildo has won!” You try to say enthusiastically though there’s a hint of disappointment as Viceroy has yet to log in. You let out a deep breath, trying to push down the feeling to get through the rest of the stream.

“Let’s get started, shall we?” You say with a smile, slowly dragging up the material of your oversized shirt to reveal your bare chest to the camera.

“Oh, please don’t end early today!” Gary groans, pulling down the hood of his henchman costume as he scrambles to grab his old laptop. His fingers immediately fly to click on the bookmarked page he had for your profile and his jaw almost hits the floor at the sight that greets him, scrambling to grab his wired headphones as your sighs and moans begin to play from the speaker.

Your legs are spread, back against the headboard with a few pillows propped up against your lower back and head for extra comfort. Sweat begins to bead at your forehead, your head thrown back in pleasure as the tip of your dildo presses deeper. In between your trembling thighs, your juices cause the yellow toy to glisten each time it glides out of you. You’re completely exposed to the camera, the audience seeing how the toy stretches you out.

Your toes curl as your free hand that was cupping your breast slides down to rub your sensitive clit. Your eyes flutter open to scan over your chat, your lips breaking out into a lazy grin at the sight of the familiar username popping up on screen.

‘So sorry I’m late! New toy?’ - Viceroy

You immediately perked up at the sight of his comment. You let out a shaky chuckle, continuing to pleasure yourself, replying to Gary’s comment immediately. “Yeah, it’s new. Hope you like it though you could have voted on it if you came in earlier.” You tease before shifting your attention to the other comments in the chat.

To say that Gary liked it was an understatement as he whipped off the utility belt of his henchman costume, pushing the pants down. His cock was already erect at the sight. Something about seeing the yellow dildo - a color that he donned daily - gliding in and out of you turning him on even more. His fingers wrap around the base of the shaft, beginning to slowly stroke as he tries to keep in tempo with you.

‘I was here on time!’

‘Dude, you always get her attention.’

‘Potential collab in the future between Viceroy and you? That’d be pretty hot.’

Your lips curl in amusement at the comments, “Now, now, behave everyone. You’ve all got my attention.” You assure your viewers though you can’t deny in your head that the thought of having Viceroy in the same room as you - despite not knowing anything about his appearance - caused you to clench tighter around the toy that is stretching you out. “Mm, collab with Viceroy, huh?” You say breathlessly, your voice hitching as you feel your first orgasm of the night slowly building. “Well, what do you think, Viceroy? Would you be up for it?”

Meanwhile, on his side of the screen, Gary's eyes roam over your body, wishing he could replace the toy between your thighs with his fingers, tongue, cock - anything to just get a taste of you.“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” Gary groans, his hand picking up the pace. He feels his length throb as you call out his username, eyes widening at your proposal that he has only ever imagined in his wildest fantasies. His free hand fumbles across the keyboard, typing out an eager yet short response, sending a small tip attached to it.

‘With you? Absolutely.’ - Viceroy

After seeing Viceroy’s comment, you bite down on your lower lip. Typically, your cam sessions were strictly business for you - strip, seduce your audience, pleasure yourself, banter and then log off. However, you can’t ignore the skip of your heartbeat at this stranger’s comment and your mind begins to drift, imagining the dildo that is filling you up is Viceroy’s cock. Your toes curl as you suddenly pick up the pace and you shakily reply, “Well, maybe we can make that happen.”

“Oh god yes, please, please..” Gary pleads, having a vice grip around the base of his shaft as he attempts to hold off his fast approaching orgasm. He tried his best to pace himself during your cam sessions, having one too many instances where he got too eager and ended up cumming only a few minutes into your stream. His free hand clumsily reaches over to his nightstand, fumbling to grab a few tissues as he tries to time his orgasm with yours, the fantasy of filling you to the brim with his seed usually running through his head.

Your sighs, whimpers and moans were a symphony to his ears as his hand began to move again, sensing that your own orgasm was approaching. Gary hated to admit it but over the course of these last few months, he had memorized every little movement, twitch, shift in pitch of your voice that indicated when you were getting close. To put it bluntly, he was obsessed.

“Oh fuck…’ Your breath hitched, the tip of your dildo brushing against a particular spot that made your eyes roll back in ecstasy. Your body felt like mush, melting into the sheets, as you continued to imagine Viceroy’s body on top of yours, the thought of large hands digging into your skin as he thrusts mercilessly into you. “I’m close..” You whimper out, your vision getting blurry that you can barely make out the flurry of comments and tips that flood the chat.

However, you’re able to make out one simple command out of all of them.

‘Please cum for me.’ - Viceroy

The knot in your stomach suddenly releases as the white hot sensation of your orgasm hits you, practically causing you to gasp and cry out in ecstasy. Your free hand grips the sheets tightly, riding out the intensity of it. Your chest heaves up and down, catching your breath. You slowly pull the dildo out of you, revealing the sticky mess you had created. Sitting up, you give the audience a playful grin, deciding to rile them up - particularly Viceroy - one last time. Your lips part, your tongue laying flat against the plastic as you taste your own juices. Your tongue glides up and down slowly, eyes gazing seductively at the camera while you lap up the remnants of your cum.

Watching you give your dildo a blowjob was driving Gary crazy, trying to envision his fingers focusing in on his swollen tip were your lips suctioned tightly around him. He can’t hold back any longer, gasping out your name as his sticky, white load splashes onto the keyboard, the tissues he had tried to prepare long forgotten by his thick thigh. “Oh gross, now the keys are all sticky...” He whines, grabbing the tissues and trying to wipe off the cum. Realizing the tissues weren’t going to cut it, he reluctantly steps away to retrieve some wipes that he kept in his bedside drawer.

Preoccupied with cleaning his mess as he meticulously runs the wipe over each key, hoping he wasn’t accidentally typing out some random strings of characters into chat, Gary’s gaze looks up to see you, having slid your shirt back on, signing off for the evening. “Huh, she usually sticks around for a bit longer to chat… must be tired.” He comments to himself, tossing the wipes into the waste bin. With ‘Stream Ended’ flashing on his screen, Gary is about to close out of the tab but he pauses at the sight of a notification in his inbox.

“What could that be?” He wonders, clicking on the notification in curiosity. Gary’s eyes widen as he sees your username, quickly opening the message. He nearly faints on the spot. He thought you were joking, simply bantering with him through the screen like you do with everyone else. Never in his wildest dreams could he have predicted the message that was on the screen:

‘So I wasn’t joking about that collaboration… but I figured, since you’ve been so loyal to me these past few months, how about a private session first? I’d love to put a face to your username, Viceroy.’

#venture bros #henchman 21 #henchman 21 x reader #vbros #henchman 21 fanfic #venture bros fanfic #gary fischer #gary fischer x reader

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starssoblue · 1 year

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miraculous: ladybug & chat noir, the movie | a(n in-depth) review

prefacing this to say that i recognize a lot of feelings about this movie are related to a frustration with experiencing the tv series for five seasons since 2015. i, however, went into this as a brand new fan, having finally tried the series just since april of this year. so those feelings of frustration aren't going to be present in this review and it's coming more from a (somewhat) objective place, considering the film as its own entity. (spoilers abound.)

marinette:

so i'm a marinette dupain-cheng shooter, i'll fight for this girl forever because of how targeted the hate is for her (and leading female characters in general). but i have to say, even though the movie did a good job not having her be the completely messy pre-teenager she is in the show (especially around her crush), i found that the character change was a little strange.

i think, despite how flustered she gets, marinette in the show is a very strong character. she's a child who spent three years being relentlessly bullied by a politician's daughter (chloe) that people she was generally (she has no good friends but she has an amicable relationship with her peers because they all grew up together) friendly with stayed away from her, for the fear of becoming that girl's next target. she tries her best to stay out of this girl's way because of this bullying, and her defense is to keep quiet and not draw attention to herself so she can get through the school day without being harassed. this harassment leads to marinette having intense anxiety and a lack of confidence in herself, despite having strong opinions and being an otherwise passionate person. meeting her new friend alya, who is very self assured, inspires marinette to not allow her bully to walk over her anymore, and when she gets her first win as ladybug she finds the strength to finally stand up for herself. though she remains a target of that bully, this newfound strength helps her not allow that experience to reign over her life and this gives her bully less power.

in the movie, marinette (there was one trailer that implied she was "the new girl" but the movie itself does not really give us this impression—her scared meekness would make more sense to me if she actually were a new girl in school but more on this later) still grew up in paris with those same peers, but has so much crippling anxiety she has no baseline relationship with anyone. instead of it being mere general awkwardness, the film decides to make her especially clumsy to the point of insane catastrophes constantly happening around her (i guess for her entire life?), and this chaos makes the entire school laugh at her and spread rumors about her, so she has no friends at all. (would make a lot of sense if she's the new girl unless the point is the entire school has been making fun of the wasian girl since maternelle that she's still infamous in lycée for it and spent her entire life without a friend until alya filmed chloe harassing her and saved her, which is... concerning. or wait, is it because they've just entered lycée so they're all technically "new" even though she's lived in paris her whole life because they're starting grade 10 together? but what are the chances that no one she knew from collége are in this school with her now? so she enters lycée, is so clumsy and catastrophes happen around her that she develops a reputation for herself and people like chloe know her by name because she's become that infamous that quickly? but in the song 'reaching out,' marinette sings that she always dreamed of calling paris home, which seems to suggest that maybe she's new in paris. but their bakery seems too established to be new... i don't know. tbh this is information we shouldn't have to guess, and this lack of clarity is something i struggled with for this film.)

as an introverted person, marinette's anxiety and fear of leaving her comfort zone resonate with me, but i feel like while this is explained in the show as a result of years of bullying, it's portrayed here in the extreme. i understand that she's afraid at school because of all the rumors and the disasters that follow her, but even on the streets when she was singing to herself, random people would wave to her and she'd (sing) to herself, "i can't show my face!" even though nothing embarrassing or disastrous had even happened. she's just deathly afraid of people. i don't think this in and of itself is an issue, but it definitely needed more explanation or build up. is marinette this terrified and timid because something (worse than what happened in the series?) happened to her here? is it because she's (new to paris? again, they don't really say but it would fit better if it were true) wasian and she feels out of place in largely white paris? is it more about her biracial identity rather than clumsiness? who knows. so i feel just more background and character development would elevate the movie. arguably, she could just be an anxious and introverted person, but the portrayal of these characteristics just seemed a lot more surface level than they are in the show. i guess this is an example of a limitation a creator has with a film—they can accomplish so much more with years of subtle hints in a series and lay the foundation for certain backgrounds and traits, but in a movie they have to figure out what to tell us, what to show us, and how to develop it in under two hours. sadly, i feel with marinette, as a result of this time crunch, some of the film's portrayals ended up being weak.

(there's this scene all over twitter celebrating marinette standing up to chloe after her newfound confidence as ladybug—i am actually very confused why this was pointed out as a difference from the series. once marinette realized through alya and her first success as ladybug that she didn't need to be afraid of chloe anymore, she stopped. she constantly argues with her, doesn't put up with her bullshit, and even is sometimes mean to her (i'm not going to judge her for it—that girl bullied her badly for three years straight sooo...). i like the scene in the movie too, but my point was that it's consistent with the show and not an actual change.)

people love to attack marinette for some instances where the character in the show was used for absurd comic relief, and i appreciate that the movie doesn't do this with her much. i do think the female characters in miraculous, series and film, would all be better written if written by women, but i digress.

i like that while film marinette tries to reject the earrings just like series marinette, she fails because the magic that has chosen her won’t just let her throw the earrings away or give it to someone else. though she doesn’t randomly decide to give the earrings to alya here, she does try to throw them out a window and they kept coming back to her because she was the chosen one. this was a nice change. i never thought it should be that easy for her to just re-gift them to any random person when they chose her specifically for a reason.

adrien:

adrien agreste in the series is outgoing, full of energy, lonely but eager to make friends, kind of optimistic. his mother has only been missing for six months at the start of the show, while he's in the public eye, working almost full time as a teen model and the face of his father's massively successful high fashion brand. his circumstances, his public image, the fact that not much time has passed and he's still a 13 year old child all lead him to resist being too affected by his grief (he's obviously still affected but it's not a crippling part of his life, and though he experiences loneliness and has moments of being withdrawn and sad, he retains a relatively optimistic and outgoing nature that influences his outlook on life and his interactions with his peers. he's socially inept through lack of interaction with kids his own age and homeschooling, but he's willing to learn and this, as well as his pure heart, are what define this character.

adrien in the movie is different, but in a way that is realistic and understandable given the changes the film made to his background. he's more quiet, withdrawn, lonely but chooses to stay that way and intentionally pushes people away as a coping mechanism for grief. though in both universes his father's role in his life decreases once his mother vanishes, and he essentially loses both parents rather than one, in the show, being a model and the face of his father's brand allows him to continue having a place in his dad's life even though his father treats him like dirt. in the movie, the time period in which his mother has been missing in his life seems to be much longer, and there has been no indication that adrien has anything to do with his father's work. with his grief affecting him for a greater length of time, his age being older, and his dad being an absentee parent for several years rather than a few months, it's no wonder that the adrien we meet in the movie chooses to pull away from people, allows the sad feelings to dominate, and just overall lacks the energy and optimism show adrien possesses. (i'm also not sure if it's even his first day of school or if he was homeschooled his whole life—chloe claimed she wanted to show him around, but nino interacts with him like they've been friends for more than just a day and he's known him for at least a little while).

honestly, i really like the changes here, despite being tv adrien agreste's #1 fan. this insight into his feelings about his parents, his resignation about his constantly deteriorating relationship with his father, his fixation on the piano which was an interest he shared with his mom, how palpable his feelings of nostalgia and longing are for his mother... the way he was a child when she disappeared and now he's a teenager still thinking about her, always missing her... it was such a natural portrayal of love and grief and though you can see which circumstances prevent show adrien from turning out this way, movie adrien is such an understandable and empathetic character. you really feel for him the whole movie. i think his (possible) lack of fame adds to this too (he doesn't seem to be a model in this, he has no schedules and isn't driven around everywhere, there are loads of photos of him at home but they could just be photos parents put up of their only son). at the end of the day he's a teenager with a father who neglects him constantly for his business and his own grief that he feels very alone, and these feelings keep him from wanting to get close to anyone else, either because he's sad or just afraid of further abandonment. i found the character so incredibly relatable and it was interesting seeing a more vulnerable side to this character, a vulnerability show adrien only occasionally demonstrates, a vulnerability more hinted at in the show through chat noir (but this is an essay for another day).

most importantly, show and movie adrien are both total dorks. the essence of this character is portrayed well in the movie, i really didn't mind the changes because in the end he was still recognizable as my sad sunshine adrien agreste, and i hope people look past the surface differences to recognize and appreciate him for who he is.

plagg plays a bigger role in adrien’s life in the series than in the movie. i love their relationship so i missed that here, but i also feel like maybe they didn’t need him to be looking out for adrien and essentially taking care of him (gorilla does this in the series too, and he wasn’t needed in the movie as adrien has the freedom to largely come and go as he wants and use public transport, something series adrien could never do) because of how much less restrictive his life is in this iteration.

ladynoir:

the film introduces ladybug and chat noir as "two rival heroes." plagg and tikki themselves are called rivals. eventually ladybug redubs them as "partners" after she and chat noir find a rhythm and master fu also tells them they're stronger together, so i am puzzled why they even tried introducing them that way. in the show, ladynoir aren't rivals at al—they've always been a team. and in this movie, despite those initial comments, it's no different. there's banter and flirtation for sure, but the most "rival" these two get are when they first meet and are goading each other into an argument over which hero is better and who is the sidekick (before they've done anything lmao) and that one fun volkswagon ad when they race each other. i love the flirty competitive sparring, the way they tease each other, when they're just messing around and being playful in the 'stronger together' sequence. you really watch these two become best friends, and like the series, chat noir falls in love with ladybug like a thunderbolt (a coup de foudre!) while for her, you see her affection for him grow the longer they work together and get to know each other. i don't think this is as much of a departure from the series as stan twitter would have you believe, but it does spend more time on their dynamic in one setting than any episode ever does (ladynoir is developed over time in the series, little by little, and their cute flirty dynamic is very reminiscent of how they're portrayed in the first two seasons before the guardianship and other miraculous holders complicated their relationship. at their core they've always had great chemistry and a strong connection). i like both developments tbh, but that one scene of them training together and having fun for a significant amount of time was so lovely to see. don't get me wrong—there are some great moments these two share outside of battle in the series too, but it's been a while since we've seen this dynamic there with everything else going on that it felt so nice to return to this, and in such a huge way too.

the one thing i miss is chat noir calling ladybug "milady." it's such a cute thing he does in the series, and though i enjoyed that "insane!" / "watermelon!" banter, i do miss this being what he calls her all the time. (there is a song called 'my lady' that chat noir sings to himself after he falls in love with ladybug, and in the very last line of the song he calls her this, but otherwise it's just not a thing in the movie.) it really doesn't matter, but i still mourned its absence.

adrienette/adrinette:

the first time i watched this film, i did not like the first adrien/marinette meet-cute at all. to be honest, i wasn't being fair. the first miraculous scene in the series that had me completely enchanted was that umbrella scene in origins, and it is the foundation for this ship and why i love them so much. every bit of the original scene is perfection, with the careful finger brush, the soft smiles, the way their eyes meet and marinette hears a thunder clap (an actual coup de foudre) in the distance as the instrumental 'in the rain' plays in the background... that scene was so spectacularly constructed, it was always obvious nothing this movie did was ever going to match that.

and that's okay.

watching the film a second time, i found that while the umbrella scene still is incomparable, there are things i did like about marinette and adrien's first meeting. the way marinette asks for "a little luck" and she follows the light through the bookshelves to see adrien, who approaches her himself because he thinks she might be in need of help, asking her if she's okay or seeing the distressed look upon her face and wondering if she's crying. it's different from origins, but in some ways it's the same—marinette was distressed, adrien approached her first, she's thrown by his kindness and flustered by his beauty. they have some kind of moment and in the end, he offers her an awkward but gentle smile.

but in origins, they already had history. she didn't care and barely realized he was famous or even connected to her dream of becoming a fashion designer. his looks don't register to her until she's already fallen in love with him. and it's his initiative to correct the misunderstanding between them and show her kindness despite her being harsh and unfair to him that makes her take a second glance, and once she does, she falls in love fast. though i do see the essence of that moment—the being drawn to adrien's kindness aspect—in the movie's library scene, it's less impactful. she doesn't know adrien, so there is barely a conversation between them, and other than his concern over her and his offer of a helping hand when she falls, i don't really see what he does that makes her fall strongly in love with him. if it's still his kindness, it just feels weaker. one could argue that her instant attraction to him is because of his cuteness, and this is what flusters her, and his kindness (less impact than the series, but in this new universe, barely anyone in this school has ever shown marinette kindness rather than gossiping and laughing about her clumsiness so maybe to her this is a real moment of kindness) is only secondary. it's not all that clear. either way, marinette is fascinated by him to keep looking at him before she even falls and he offers to help her up, so the meeting feels a lot more shallow (he had noticed her distress and asked if she was crying before, but i don't know... is just asking about her enough kindness to get that reaction from her? it makes sense after he helps her up but the fascination before.. maybe i'm just longing for the impact of the umbrella scene and this was actually fine...?). the scene ends with adrien's confused, soft smile when he says "she's so weird" to himself (they barely interacted, so i don't know if i'd call it a "fond smile" but it's not the malicious thing some people on social media have been making it out to be. in this iteration adrien tries not to interact with many people, so it's a big deal he was kind enough to still reach out to her. this meeting probably stuck out to him as something unordinary and the comment felt more like he was curious about her more than anything else. it ends up being important to marinette because her clumsiness makes people usually mock her, but he didn't do that, so her instinct then is to try to talk to him (and ask him out, probably?). not the big momentous falling in love scene from the series, but it is still a nice moment for these characters as they're established in this universe.

i think one of the reasons this ship feels weak to me in the film is that outside of this moment, adrien and marinette's friendship development is reduced to a musical montage.

if the movie had used this moment to develop their relationship further, i probably would have actually liked the romance here. while ladynoir had scenes of interactions and ladybug and chat noir getting to know each other and becoming comfortable with each other and literally becoming bffs who trust each other as only two people in the world who share a singular unique experience can, all the development adrien and marinette have is shown through one musical montage in the middle of the movie. (they do have a small interaction at the fair, but this is around the time adrien is first coming out of his shell so it’s very brief.) in the montage, you see many shots of adrien and marinette hanging out with alya and nino in picnics and at the movies, and he looks more at ease with each outing. and you also see adrien opening up to marinette specifically about his mom, sharing photos of her, and finally working through his grief rather than withdrawing from everyone. but because this is a five second scene in the midst of a musical montage illustrating the passage of time, we never get the words exchanged, the scene is glossed over and the impact is only felt by fans of the series who know what this means to him. (fun fact: the film has adrien trusting marinette enough to feel so close to her he talks about his mom with her before he talks to ladybug about her and how in his grief he pushed people away before he met her. though ladybug was the catalyst to him opening up to people, i do find it meaningful that he opened up to marinette first. but this is still a crumb and you have to be looking to make those connections in order to see them. the film should have shown adrien falling in love to some extent outside of the mask as well, he’s supposed to have some kind of inner conflict and it’s hard to believe that he does here with all the missing pieces.) i’m not sure if casual viewers would even notice it in the midst of all the other scenes happening as the theme song plays in the background. had we seen more of stuff like this, gotten some kind of explanation that over time adrien had started to feel for marinette too and this montage is proof of it (it shows that they’re friends and he trusts her now to some extent, but it’s so fast it barely registers. you can’t deduce he’s in love with marinette here, whereas in the scenes with chat noir you see ladybug actively struggle with her feelings, develop affectionate feelings for chat noir, and feel bad for rejecting him because of that, not just because it sucks to have to turn someone down), then that would have been fine. but that’s not what happens. after this montage we barely see adrien and marinette together at all until she tries asking him to he ball and he says he’s sorry but there’s someone else. though his rejection was soft, and you do see him look upset he had to reject her, there was no doubt he was going to reject her here. the core conflict—that they’re in love with two people, one they fall in love with like thunder and another that slowly builds in their heart—is so badly illustrated in this movie. you can see the intention is there if you’re looking for it, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired.

though i appreciate that marinette didn't struggle to find her words around adrien in this film, and appeared more realistically flustered and anxious rather than the over the top thing they do in the series, i still feel like the adrinette in the series is overall written and developed better as a ship. in the tv series, you see this initial conflict —chat noir falls fast for ladybug, who turns him down because marinette fell just as fast in love with adrien agreste—turn into marinette forming a friendship with chat noir, whom she then starts to get close to outside and in the mask, as adrien starts to fall in love with marinette. the series is now at a point where adrien and marinette are actually in love, despite never actually falling out of love with their superhero counterparts, so that if it finally leads to a reveal (which it hasn’t yet), it would be incredibly moving.

my issue is, without this adrinette relationship development, the reveal feels less impactful. if you’re frustrated the series hasn’t given you this moment yet, you feel satisfaction seeing it in the conclusion of this film solely because of the progression of the series. without it, looking at the moments in this film alone, it feels halfhearted. though marinette is ladybug, it’s an idealized version of herself she’s created to take on the challenge of being a hero. these characteristics are still hers, but it feels like someone falling in love with a celebrity. though this isn’t wholly true—chat gets to know ladybug’s vulnerabilities too as they get closer—it’s still not fully her the way marinette, as a normal person who now has the confidence being ladybug provides her echoing in her daily life too, is. so her struggling with her feelings, turning chat noir down reluctantly before adrien rejects her, but still reaching out to him once discovering they’re the same person—you just see that she falls in love with all sides of him. but it’s less clear for adrien. you can analyze that montage and make a deduction, but it’s not as explicit. instead, it just feels like he rejects who she actually is for her heroic persona, and that makes the reveal feel one-sided (unless you carry over your feelings of frustration from the series never giving us this moment).

it sucks that adrinette was underdeveloped because as far as scenes go, the reveal is actually quite beautiful. adrien has tears in his eyes when she introduces herself as ladybug and he realizes she liked him all along, but if we knew why those tears of relief and happiness appeared upon realizing the girl of his dreams was marinette, it would mean more. [he’s also at this ball wearing the bow tie marinette made for him that she threw into the trash after he rejected her, and i’d love to believe that this isn’t a continuity error, but it probably is. it’s hard to imagine adrien felt so torn up about rejecting marinette (after ladybug already rejected him??! like it really felt like he’d like to go to this ball that he never asked ladybug to go to alone rather than with marinette, which is…not great ) that he went by the trash, saw his name on a box and opened it up, realizing she made him a gift, and then chose to wear it. he literally doesn’t think about marinette once in this film after he rejects her so this feels like a reach… unless it was intentional, in which case they should have written so much more to make this (and this ship) clear.]

gabriel agreste:

i can't remember if origins explained how long gabriel agreste had the butterfly miraculous and if he used it right away upon acquiring it, but what i liked in the film was that it was clearly explained that he had had that artifact for a while, done research on its capabilities, considered the risks and rewards, and then after a long time of deliberation finally made the active choice to do what he knew was wrong just because he loved his wife so much he would never be able to live without her. ("if chaos is the way, i will burn the world and lose myself to do so!") each time he misuses the miraculous to hurt people, it takes a toll on his physical and mental health, making him look haggard and act more crazy and reckless (this happens in the series as well—season 1 gabriel isn't season 5 gabriel but he becomes more villainous over time).

one thing that confuses me though is that gabriel got a sense of the chaos and terror committed with the butterfly miraculous upon just touching the item, but the series and later on in the film, it's explicitly stated that this miraculous isn't inherently evil. in the show there are many reasons why ladybug and chat noir historically were called to fight, but in the movie it seems to be implied that it's this one miraculous alone that summons them through creating chaos in the world. but it's also allegedly 'good'—this contradiction is confusing (and my friend who had no knowledge of mlb was so lost watching this movie). i don't think the show does much for romanticizing this decision the way the film does, and it certainly doesn't make us believe that gabriel agreste felt forced to make this decision and had doubts he overlooked because he was that desperate. i mean, his desperation comes across in the series in other ways but not in a sad lonely man who is struggling to live without his wife way. the film humanizes this stupid, terrible man in a way the series fails to do so (which makes sense given some of the atrocities he goes onto commit that film gabriel doesn't come close to doing). this softer portrayal works for the movie as many of the things i dislike about m. agreste are never portrayed, leaving him a bit more of a sympathetic villain even as he terrorizes all of paris. he still sucks though, just on a lesser scale.

when gabriel tells the story about how much adrien's mother meant to him, and how difficult it was for him to face the sadness in adrien's eyes upon losing a parent (tbh he's so dumb. his son finds it hard to cope with one parent leaving him so his solution is to make him lose the second parent too just because it was hard to deal with his son's grief on top of his own...dumbass), he says it was only after she was gone that he learned about the miraculous. does this mean that in this universe adrien actually wasn't conceived using the peacock miraculous and the coma emilie is in at the end is caused by something else? gabriel and adrien both speak about his mom like she's dead. and at the end it's revealed that like in the series, emilie is still alive but in a magical coma. did he just mean that they already knew about the peacock miraculous and what he learned about was the butterfly miraculous and then the wish the ladybug and black cat miraculous combined make? i'm lost. (maybe it's just really huge a continuity error?

i saw a lot of people wonder why adrien in the show doesn't argue with his father or blow up at him the way adrien does in the film. aside from the fact that gabriel agreste in the movie is a lot less criminal than the abusive doucheface he is in the series, it doesn't look like adrien is being controlled by his father if he's a sentibeing here too and the worst thing gabriel has done is be an absentee parent (bad, but it's not the locking your kid up, forcing him to work since he was a child, controlling his every second of every day, having your employees follow him around and spy on him for you, trying to control who he interacts with on a daily basis, forbidding him from hanging out with friends, trying to akumatize him or exploit him in other ways, being emotionally abusive, etc etc). adrien in the series being younger, experiencing his father being an ass only since his mother disappeared six months ago and taking nearly a year to realize his treatment isn't normal and he physically can't resist his dad's orders even if he wanted to... they're in such different predicaments. older adrien with less manipulation and abuse would have an easier time yelling at his father. tv adrien also eventually argues with his dad in season 5, but it takes a lot to build up to that and then the series quickly destroys all this character development because of a hole they wrote themselves into, but that's an essay for another time... i don't think these can be fairly compared. (that said, i clapped hard when adrien told his father he lost his dad a long time ago. his father made a decision not to act like a parent once he lost his wife and it's been a long while since then, he's essentially raising himself at this point.)

it's this change in adrien and gabriel's relationship that allows the end of the final battle to make sense in the movie in a way they wouldn't make sense in the show. tv gabriel agreste doesn't care to hurt his son—you see this constantly explored in different timelines. there is a reason why there's so much fanfiction guessing gabriel would exploit adrien if he learned he was chat noir, or actively try to trade him for his wife. movie gabriel, however, stops right away the second he realizes that the teenager he was ready to hurt was actually his son. hell, even earlier, he called adrien to leave the fair before sending akumas there because he didn't want him to get caught in the crossfire. tv gabriel would never. (i guess show gabriel also does this mid-series sometimes but it's so inconsistent...granted show gabriel doesn't know what his son is even doing most days unless he's leaving the city—the one very aware of his schedule is nathalie sooo maybe it's an issue of knowledge. either way, by season 5, gabriel tries to deliberately put his son into harm's way and even akumatize him sooooo....) so that heart to heart they have that helps gabriel deal with his grief and talks him down from being a supervillain any longer is a beautiful moment (the scene itself has the prettiest animation of those two embracing as purified butterflies surround them), but one that the series would not be able to replicate (that character is really not redeemable there even though they kind of tried).

chloe:

to be honest i don't really care for her in any iteration of this, but i did find it interesting that while she said she offered to show him around (as she does in the show too), we never see adrien with chloe in this movie ever. he doesn't talk about her, he doesn't acknowledge her. i always see their friendship as one created by circumstance—when you're kids and your parents' friends only have the one child you're left to interact with so you become "friends" but that friendship isn't anything deep despite it being one of your first. not going to analyze their relationship in the show because while it's not the best friendship some people in fandom fictionalize, it does have some complexity, but in the movie, i'd honestly argue they barely know each other. chloe mentions adrien on multiple occasions. but he doesn't once talk or think about her. he's already friends with nino (is he new in this? chloe said she wants to show him around, but he's already hanging out in a library when we first see him and he already is friends with nino enough for nino to try to invite him out—is it that he's new but this time it's not his first day we're seeing? i don't know, it's unclear), and they make plans to hang out. you see a montage of him hanging out with nino, alya and marinette later, but nothing on chloe. if she wasn't so extremely anxious, i'd wonder why marinette believes chloe at all when she suddenly claims to be the girl adrien likes. i saw some people say chloe in the film is more redeemable than chloe in the series, and while this is true (because of things chloe does to aid a supervillain in seasons 4 and 5 that can't really be undone) i don't see much of a difference in her relationship with marinette. she's not a "rival" (rival suggests a largely harmless competitiveness—marinette isn't competing with her. she's trying to stay out of her way so chloe doesn't hurt her). the degree of bullying is possibly different (we don't really know. movie chloe threatens to strangle marinette with her own hair, so while she's probably not the sole reason marinette has no friends this time, she's still pretty much an actual bully, though a little more aware of being shamed via the internet for her crimes, though not so much at school in front of people... probably because irl people she can control but on the internet, as a politician's daughter as well as a famous hotel heiress, she is bound to face backlash for herself and her family...?) but it's still not great enough to be claiming this character deserves serious spotlight or a redemption arc (honestly she's hardly in the movie). like the series, i get the impression that there is some racism at work here too, but it's not as strong as it is in the show (marinette being this white girl's main target for no reason, her talking to her like she's inhuman, the way the entire school is so quick to dismiss her whenever she's targeted by lila or chloe without ever investigating anything because a white girl cried wolf, and then chloe's actual comments to marinette's uncle, the way she stresses the 'cheng' part of her surname when she's addressing her, etc. etc. the film doesn't do any of this).

there's a scene where chloe is ordering sabrina to locate marinette so she can harass her, and sabrina finds marinette but chooses to lie and pretend she couldn't find her. though sabrina in the series slowly evolves and learns to listen to her own conscience, i like that outside of chloe's line of sight, she knows what's wrong or right. though this is true of series sabrina too, she doesn't act on this sense of morality. i like the change that she does in the film, at least away from chloe. it's the bare minimum but at least it's something.

the music:

it took me a whileeee to care about the music here, but i still find a lot of the music just largely forgettable. (honestly i was hoping for disney classic level music in this animated film, so i guess i have no one to blame but myself there. it doesn't help that i'm obsessed with the actual instrumental music in the series—'in the rain' is one of the most beautiful songs i've ever heard. also i was hoping for ce mur qui nous sépare, but i guess that was a hopeless dream. i was hoping, if they were excluding it, the song wouldn't apply in the movie because there were less "walls between [them]" than in the series, since it was ending in a reveal, but the film doesn't actually go that route... more on that later.) despite the fact that the music wasn't my favorite part, and i really think the movie would improve if there had been a better balance between story development and music (the film really suffers from too much unneeded music in favor of less story development), i did really enjoy some of the songs and the usage of series throwback musical motifs was excellent. also really enjoyed the usage of 'careless whisper' in this movie lmfaoooooo, comedic excellence.

(unpopular opinion: i really didn't mind that lou sings for christina. it doesn't fit well at all, but i heard about it long before i watched the movie and was just expecting it. it's not the best because their voices are so different, but it didn't really take me out like i thought it would, and i got used to it really fast.)

in the first song marinette sings about believing in herself. the visuals are gorgeous. the film brought to life her sketchbook, evolving the mundane to the most elegant of clothes. honestly would love to see and hear more about marinette's passion for design and her dream of becoming a designer. the film barely touched upon it (the show could go into this more too! they do sometimes but i want moreee), but it would be nice to hear where marinette's inspirations come from, why this dream is so meaningful to her. what i found interesting was, in the show marinette exclaims that gabriel agreste is her favorite fashion designer. but movie marinette doesn't mention him ever. does she know about him? is he less influential to her here? she walks by his showroom on her way to school but that's the extent we see of anything in this vein. curious.

though i don't think the 'you are ladybug' song was a necessity (adrien didn't get a song about becoming chat noir, but i guess he didn't need the extra encouragement, since he was ready to go instantly), i did actually enjoy it. lyrically it isn't strong, but it's a fun back and forth between marinette and tikki, and the way the song pays homage to the miraculous ladybug theme song is beautiful (the entire "i have one job / i'm good at it / i've been doing it for so many years" follows the tune to "another day / i'm back at school / i look at him, he's so cool" in the series theme song, and i especially loved "but why me? / i'm nothing special, bug / wait and see / what you're capable of" sung to the melody of "oh oh oh / he's got me spinning 'round / oh oh oh / my feet are off the ground." just TOO GOOD). the rap where tikki channels lin manuel miranda made me die of laughter, but also i really can't get over her going, "we'll come THISCLOSE to dying and then we'll do it all again!" as a selling point to convince this teenager to put her life on the line for all of paris. the other part of this song i really loved was the polyphony at the end when marinette and tikki sang their own melodies at the same time—not just because it sounded nice but because i died over tikki saying, "i'm about to kick your butt if you don't start to listen" lmao.

my entire theater laughed at hawk moth’s song (the song was okay, but the concept of hawk moth singing took me out lmao). it did have the feel of a classic villain song in movies like anastasia or the lion king, but it wasn’t as memorable. i do think it expressed gabriel agreste’s mental state really well though.

reiterating that i really don’t think marinette needed 3.5 different songs about the same theme, but the best song lyrically/musically/vocally is definitely ‘courage in me,’ hands down.

maybe it’s because i adore the fuck out of the music drew ryan scott sings as ’christopher wilde’ in the disney channel movie starstruck, but i love the song chat noir sings after being lovestruck by ladybug after their first meeting (sung by the same man). the visuals of him literally singing with his head in the clouds were excellent, the character song fit him so well, and i think the melody had such a dreamscape feel of falling in love. i actually really like the lyrics in this song too (“it’s been a while since i smiled and meant it” adrichat my bb ;A; ) and my favorite part is “then she appears like a dream in a dream!” i think this song also does what music is meant to do in a musical—add to the story so that part of it can be told in song. so we get adrien basically saying he’s been withdrawing from people for sooo long, and this encounter with ladybug in which he almost died is the first time he’s felt something in a long time. this musical interlude leads to him hanging out with his friend nino at the fair (he said ‘whatever’ when nino first asked him to go, but the difference in his expression and the fact that he seems more smiley and enthusiastic in this encounter, and even hopeful enough to ask his dad to actually come to the fair and hang out with him already demonstrates a change in his demeanor), actually having a conversation with marinette, and then a montage of him no longer choosing to deal with his grief alone and finally reaching out to others, so you can see how that moment with ladybug (and all the other moments of them getting to know each other afterward while fighting or training) really did impact his life.

the miraculous title musical montage around the middle of the movie was too excellent and showed the passage of time really well, both as ladybug and chat noir, and as adrien and marinette. this was a great way to develop parts of the story (it also depicted marinette’s character evolution, making her more self confident in her daily life and no longer being an anxious messy creator of catastrophes). it was also nice to just hear a familiar song. (chat noir smiling goofily to himself after seeing ladybug smile at “and when i see her smile, that’s when she becomes miraculous” is my fave—it's just so well done, i love.)

‘stronger together’ is one of those songs that i love the first half of but find the second half too messy. the sequence is gorgeous, the scene is one of my favorites in terms of relationship development and animation in the entire movie. and i am weirdly in love with the part of the song where it pauses before he sings “take my hand!” and the music picks up. it’s so playful and flirty and the essence of how ladynoir are depicted in this movie, and i love that. the vocals are lovely. there’s a musical motif throwing back to one of my favorite instrumentals in the tv series—'the last dance' which serves as the background of so many touching ladybug and chat noir moments in the show—at the end of the song where she ponders the mixed feelings inside her heart before ultimately rejecting chat noir (“what is this feeling now? i cannot fall for him…” / “we could be great, i know / i’m falling for you.”). as a song, this back and forth dialogue feels so random tacked on here but it is a musical so i guess that fits, i just found the whole thing kind of messy. but i love that they did this dialogue to the melody of ‘the last dance’ because it’s such a gorgeous melody and a sentimental throwback. honestly even if i only like half the song, the scene itself is a film highlight and i fucking cry over the cheesy cute “you save the world every day with your mask, but the girl behind it saved my heart” he says to her that causes her to gasp (same).

film additions that are just better:

the animation, obviously. (THE HAIR TEXTURE! THE SCENERY! THEIR EYES? I CRY I CRY.)

i am fond of the fact that their miraculous lights up (flickers? glows? there's light of some kind) when the city is in need of ladybug or chat noir to save the day, and just kind of guides adrien and marinette to where they need to go. this is a big difference from the series where they have to physically encounter the danger themselves (and they do! because in the show, most of the people akumatized are people they know, random adults in their lives or the kids in their class). and at least one of them has to be present to call the other one to appear. this is not necessary in the universe of the movie. it's also more realistic because hawk moth isn't specifically targeting the kids in his son's class, but is akumatizing people at random all over the city.

i also really loved the fact that tikki and plagg use magic to choose their own chosen holders, rather than master fu doing a random test in the middle of nowhere and hoping to attract people of pure heart out on the street. it helps add to the lore that they're actually chosen, and that they're fated and compatible, and i love that a lot. (there is a scene where he, while trying to chase tikki, ends up in the middle of the street in front of oncoming traffic, and marinette risks her life to save him. but this wasn't used as a means for him to choose her for the ladybug role, but rather as a means for identifying that she was destined to be ladybug and tikki had chosen her. i will add that while i love the concept, the scene itself made me laugh because he sounded crazy interacting with her, no wonder she ended up being scared and running away from him.) the fact that adrien spots a black cat that leads him to the black cat ring and marinette spots a ladybug that guides her to the ladybug earrings... *chef's kiss* i'll confess, i wasn't a fan of every single person they choose throughout history being called ladybug and chat noir (in the series, they choose their own names. ladybug is self explanatory but the fact that adrien's mom used to read him a bedtime story about a hero named chat noir and this resonated with him so much he chose to name himself that immediately upon discovering he has powers means so much to me), but this really wasn't a significant change and i only care because i love adrichat so much.

it was a cool detail in the scene where marinette meets tikki that she awakens like the genie in aladdin (she even calls herself a genie in this one rather than a god. it doesn't matter, but i prefer kwamis being called gods. tikki then goes on to talk about how she can't grant wishes, when we know the black cat and ladybug miraculous can grant a wish in exchange for an equal price which is the entire plot of the movie, but this terminology preference is unimportant). the way she noted all the societal changes and how much time has spent since she's been needed to reawaken was very fun.

in the tv series, gabriel agreste akumatizes himself when he thinks ladybug and chat noir might guess his identity as hawk moth, hoping that if he appeared as a victim they'd be off his trail. while this serves its purpose in the show, i thought it was really cool that film gabriel agreste decided his dark heart would be stronger than the people he's been akumatizing, and instead of continuing to sit back and use innocent civilians for his means, he chooses to akumatize those negative feelings he always carries with him and turn into the ultimate villain himself. and he succeeds, becoming a villain that is so strong, he gets the earrings himself and nearly gets the ring. though i liked that he did this, something about this battle still felt really anticlimactic. it's probably a pacing issue because i really did love that final scene between gabriel and adrien, but everything happened so fast it didn't feel as epic as it seemed they were going for. additionally, i know that the point was ladybug and chat noir are only unbeatable if they work together and they were not at all united this final battle because their feelings got in the way, i was still really troubled that the only reason they won against hawk moth is because he backed off. had chat noir's mask never gotten torn, he would not have stopped...

(i also have to ask, since his identity gets revealed on a large scale and the newscasters even announce that it was him the whole time, does he actually get consequences? like he did back off, but he was still terrorizing the whole city for months... if he's exposed, shouldn't there be ramifications? i can't tell if he went to prison. the movie did not say.)

where the series shines more:

to someone who has never seen the series (i watched this initially with a friend who knew absolutely nothing about mlb), the powers are confusing. in the series, origins explains really well what cataclysm and lucky charm do, how they can only use them once before given five minutes before detransforming and needing to re-transform to use the power again. the series makes use of this, creating tension with the five minute rule (which is explained to only apply to them while they're children, so once they "mature" the time limit will disappear and they'd be able to use their powers over and over without fear of exposing their identities). while the movie does not need to stress over the time limitation (as the film aged up the characters from 13 to 15/16, so i guess they've already hit 'maturity'), it spends no time on explaining what a cataclysm is (a power chat noir doesn't even use until the final battle, and NO EXPLANATION IS GIVEN. WE'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE ALWAYS HAD THIS ABILITY HE NEVER NEEDED TO USE UNTIL HAWK MOTH WAS READY TO KILL HIM) and there are no lucky charms.

actually, the entire battle format makes little sense. in the show, ladybug and chat noir have to figure out what object hawk moth akumatized to turn civilians into his supernatural army, break the akumatized object, free the butterfly, and then purify it. in the movie, all they're really told is that they're meant to fight these beings, and after they win, ladybug can purify the butterfly. there isn't an explanation for when the butterfly leaves the akuma—no objects are being broken; they're literally just fighting until the monster can exist no more. this is strange to me because these fights have no rules. it's just, literally physically defeating a creature until the magic can no longer hold it.

i don't know how i feel about this, but i liked how the series does it. because it's an emphasis on physical strength, the movie lacking lucky charms makes sense, but what i always liked about that was 1) it called back on ladybug being the embodiment of good luck that her power would be chance, and 2) it was specifically marinette's time to shine. her strength in the series is her creativity, her creative approach to problem solving and use of her clever mind is what sets her apart and makes her the best ladybug in the series no matter who else has worn the ladybug miraculous. without this, i felt like a big essence of the character was missing. (the film does call upon her intelligence and creative mind in some scenes, like in the first battle where she uses her yoyo somewhat strategically to stumble her way through traffic and save chat noir, but it wasn't enough for me. i guess it was supposed to be implied that she planned the gargoyle to get hit by the train and the collision released the akuma, but the film is so unclear about this. it looked more like a happy accident rather than marinette using her brain to save the day.)

in the show, ladybug also has the ability to undo akuma damage when she throws her lucky charm into the air and shouts "miraculous ladybug" at the end of each battle. since lucky charms are absent in this iteration, it makes sense this isn't a thing either. (i guess it could also be tedious to show this in the movie after every single attack whereas once an episode is fine, but they could have just shown it once and implied it always happened. instead, what they implied was that after every battle, the damage to the city was actual damage and the city had to deal with the infrastructure hawk moth damaged until after the final battle, when ladybug gave master fu the butterfly miraculous. upon reclamation of that miraculous, fu told her that she, as the holder of the miraculous of creation, could (now, i guess?) use her power to rebuild the city. instead of it being a lucky charm thrown into the air with an incantation that creates a swarm of butterflies spreading over the city for an immediate cure, it's marinette directing her power slowly to every corner of the city and actually creating to undo the damage. this made for a very pretty scene that i really liked, but imagine how awful paris would look if in the series, none of that damage was ever fixed and it would have taken til the end of season 5, ten months after hawk moth started terrorizing the city, for anything to get restored (actually this wouldn't even happe if the show universe worked the same way because they don't reclaim that miraculous at the end of season 5).

so one of my main issues with this film is that a lot of the major themes and didactic messages are just constantly shoved in your face rather than learned by the characters. i think the series—because it has the time—does this better than the film because it allows characters to fail and learn things on their own, rather than having the message delivered in big "life lesson" quotes to the characters all the time that it doesn't at all feel natural. (so the film constantly tells rather than shows.) for example, on her way out of the bakery, marinette randomly asks her mom, "how do you make your dreams come true?" this conversation comes out of nowhere (they were talking about her embarrassment from her dad's antics and her lack of friends right before), and it's followed up with a lesson in believing in herself. it might have made sense had her mom encouraged her to embrace who she is and related that to her reaching out of her comfort zone to consider befriending some of her peers, but that doesn't happen. (it does lead to a song about believing in herself and how if she did so she'd reach her true potential, which is nice, but feels so disjointed from the conversation that happened before it, it was a bit jarring.) when marinette meets master fu on the street, he randomly says to her "who saves a life saves the world" and scares her. but then moments after, she ends up somewhere a ladybug leads her to the same words written on stone. we really didn't need master fu saying this to her when she was going to encounter the message anyway (especially as it comes into play significantly at the end of the movie in the final battle when fu reiterates the quote).

i cringed so hard in that scene after their first fight where master fu appeared out of nowhere just to say “before you discover who i am, you must first discover who you are.” like... okay?

similarly, this is how i felt about the "stronger together" theme. i love that this message is important to the plot—chat noir and ladybug literally are stronger together. but this is constantly being stated rather than the movie trusting the audience to realize it on their own. in the show, ladybug and chat noir work best as partners. their teamwork and trust in each other makes the entire show. here, they work best together also, and their powers even amplify during the moments of teamwork rather than when either of them try to take on a fight alone. i thought this was an interesting change (i love both), but i really like the two of them discovering this on their own through trial and error rather than having master fu mention it to them once and they just spend the entire movie constantly thinking about it.

the one “life lesson” that i thought was more naturally expressed was when chat noir, before being a cute goofball and teasing her, realized ladybug was a little hesitant to accept the mission, and he said, “i understand you’re afraid, but failure is not your enemy—your fears are.” though his delivery was lighthearted, the message stayed with her and she even parrots it back to him later. this is how a film expressing such “life lessons” should do it—through natural progression rather than a bunch of fortune cookie quotes thrown at you over and over again. (though the scene is different, it was reminiscent of the scene in origins when ladybug panics because of how they messed up their first fight, and chat noir reassures and encourages her, inspiring her to continue being a hero despite her being afraid of making more mistakes. this is another example of the film having corresponding but distinctive scenes that i still really enjoyed even though they were different from the series.)

actually, that scene towards the end of the film when tikki reminds marinette that she's ladybug even outside of the mask was really well done too (as well as its reference to the earlier "you save the world every day with your mask, but the girl behind it saved my heart" scene). i loved seeing marinette muster up all the strength she has to try to free chat noir from hawk moth's grip. that one shot of her tackling him out of the way of hawk moth's attack as herself untransformed is so beautifully animated.

overall:

honestly, ignoring all those tweets arguing the movie is better than the series (they're incomparable—there are things the film does better, but overall the development of the series spread out over a hundred episodes is way better than a movie limited under two hours with way too much music), i found that the movie was fun if it wasn't taken seriously. as much as we all hate astruc i don't think it can replace the series even with the things it did better, but i don't think it was meant to (despite what tons of great marketing tweets by fans have claimed). it's just another way to enjoy these characters that mean a lot to us, another iteration of a story we cherish. i do hope the writing improves and the lessons come more naturally in the sequel, but even if it's just a continuation of this i'll eat it up every time (especially now that the movie approaches territory the series has never come close to: marinette and adrien know their feelings for each other and their identities, a fanfiction reader's dream! and maybe they can retcon the adrienette and explore whatever was meant to be conveyed via that montage so that the relationship works on both sides of the mask). i hope anyone familiar with miraculous (and those even curious about it) go and enjoy this film on netflix because it's still a fun ride, and i'm really glad i had the opportunity to experience it at the cinema and laugh and cry all the way through.

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kevin-the-bruyne · 3 months

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Well something kind of funny just happened but I think it actually proves my point even more so here goes: I was trying to construct an argument about how the discourse around Thai branded pairs being 'real' or 'fake' is so short sighted and insular because what fans are trying to ask is "do you love and fuck each other within this rigid heteronormative lens" but what they ask is more along the lines of "are your feelings for each other real" and when people answer with a resounding 'YES!' it suddenly turns into lying when the answer to the implicit question turns out to be no.

But the truth is that the relationships between human beings are very complex and things can be intense, real and even be passionate without it falling under romance. I think this is especially true within queer friendships where being a little bit in love with your friends is at this point a widely accepted phenomenon. Anyone here whose job feels less like a job and more like a Trial By Fire knows that the bonds between you and your coworker are very, very real. And one of those jobs is acting - period. In the context of branded pairs that partnership suddenly amps up in intensity until you truly are having a very unique experience with only ONE other person in the entire world. This was of course all leading up to Krist and Singto, about how Krist really, genuinely likes Singto SO much, about that one (recent??) interview that I can no longer find where Singto said that he had to reassure KRIST that he wasn't leaving because of him - about how it's not always clear to the people experiencing the relationship itself what is truly happening between them. And part of that argument was going to include a small anecdote about a friendship breakup I had with a friend I used to do theatre with in middle-high school.

Well. This post is no longer focused on KristSingto so let's just get into the anecdote:

When I was in the 8th grade I started an unusual friendship with an 11th grader (Z) because we used to do theatre together. Many things made it unusual - we were of the opposite gender, a 4 year age gap at that age is HUGE, but also that he was a very reticent dude that almost never hung out with ANY juniors let alone female ones. But we became friends because:

1) We were scene partners, in fact, I was playing Zs secretary so every single one of my scenes was with him, I was almost never backstage without him because my entire role was following him around and saving him from the evil machinations of his adviser. We were backstage alone a lot because our entry and exit cues hugely overlap

2) I was nursing a horrible, terrible crush on a different 8th grader (B) also in the production and somehow this scary, reticent older dude was a HUGE gossip.

3) Z told me several years later that him befriending me during the production was part of a terrible matchmaking plot that the 11th graders had hatched to get me and B together because apparently our yearning for each other was difficult to witness. B had his own 11th grade buddy (the evil advisor in fact lol) coaching him. Spoiler: It didn't work b/c 11th grade boys make for TERRIBLE matchmakers.

But Z and I bonded in a way that was eye catching, part of that was because we were killing it on stage. We had amazing chemistry and we were kids so no one was coaching us to have chemistry. We just did because we trusted each other.

I cannot stress this enough that we were a comedy duo, our scenes were not even remotely romantic in nature. He was the King and I was his Jester but still people were buzzing from just watching our practices. I had unknown random girls come up to me to ask about my relationship with Z (people are always nosy about connection lol). Not only did the 11th graders FAIL but their very plot was one of the big reasons why B and I never got together because B would go on to believe for YEARS after that I was in love with Z 😭

Anyway, Z and I stayed great friends for long, long after that production and well into our adulthoods. A lot of our early years was me being sad over my unrequited love for B but I had more interests lol. We were basically ride or die and even had a marriage pact. We planned our honeymoon, we talked about what our married life would be like. We were completely platonic friends. We stayed good friends long distance for several years when I moved away for school. The friendship ended because I found out he was lying to his GF (now wife!!) about when he'd come to see me/hang out with me. And that was so disrespectful to both me and the girlfriend that I told him that we'll only hang out again if he introduced me to his GF. The reason why this never happened could have been because of a lack of opportunity since I live in a different country but we did completely stop talking after this.

Anyone who's actually managed to read all that is probably like girl your relationship was not COMPLETELY platonic. And like...yeah I'm realizing that now. Getting some clarity on a friendship breakup from 8 years ago that had caused me a lot of pain only because I started writing about it because KristSingto decided to simulate nasty fucking on stage.

Anyway, life is weird and KristSingto are about as real or fake as any other human relationship 🤷🏽‍♀️

#nani's public personal diary #what am I doing #why does my high school life sound like an asian drama #I assure you I was quite the boring child????

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faithintheunknownsblog · 2 years

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A/N: These are more for Canon Alucard… So don’t worry about some of the scenarios never happening, or maybe you should worry ;)

Also I’m ngl I got a bit lazy towards the end since I’ve been working on this for 12hrs straight

Also also- I accidentally made it sweet XD

Alucard NSFW Alphabet

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

The No Life King is also the Aftercare King, pampering you after every mind numbing experience.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Alucard’s favorite body part of his is his tongue, because he just loves to taste you; whether it be the sweetness of your cunt when he’s eating you out, or tasting the salty sweat that coats your body when he runs his long tongue across your skin during sex.

His favorite body part of yours would have to be your hands, even outside of the bedroom Alucard loves your hands. It’s because he knows what they’re capable of, he knows how easily your fingers can go from softly caressing his skin to effortlessly crushing an enemy’s windpipe.

He loved how you can gently run your fingers through his hair during innocent kissing, but if you’re not careful you’ll rip it out when you grip his hair at the roots during your orgasms.

The intense orgasms that only he can make you experience, because no one will ever be able to pleasure you better than he does.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Alucard kind of likes kissing after a blow job; it’s not that he likes the taste of himself- he doesn’t care much for it- but it’s the fact that he is the one that put the taste in your mouth.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Alucard might not act like it but we all know he likes it when you unintentionally hurt him; whether it’s biting him, or pulling his hair, or scratching down his back and digging your nails deep into his skin to the point where he’ll have bruises.

But don’t worry, he’ll get you back for it

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Is this even a question?! He has been around for SIX HUNDRED YEARS! Of course he knows exactly what he’s doing, and he knows exactly what he wants.

Though you have managed to surprise him with a few ideas

(I’m still debating on if human Alucard is/was a total man whore or not)

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Alucard's favorite position to start out in is you riding him while he’s on his throne. He loves kissing on your neck and how you moan so close to his ear, and how his hands fit perfectly on your hip dips. But most importantly he likes seeing your face, so he can look into your eyes and how your pupils get so dilated when he fucks you stupid. He’ll say things about how you’re a queen and how he’ll share his throne… it’s a bit corny but cut the man a break

Then he’ll move you to a table or bed or flat surface where you’re on your back and he’s standing. It makes it easier for him to wreck your insides that way since he’ll have more leverage

G = Goofy (are they more serious at the moment? Are they humorous? etc.)

Alucard will sometimes make jokes beforehand in order to catch you off guard; making you all kinds of blushy and sending goosebumps across your skin because your thoughts turn dirty.

During sex though? Alucard isn’t necessarily goofy; yes, he will laugh as he teases and taunts you but that’s just because he likes you when you’re desperate for him. He loves it when you whine, beg, and plead for him to let you have the ‘honor’ of pleasuring him.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? Does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Alucard is well groomed, keeping things neat and trimmed. Yes, the carpets match the drapes.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

When Alucard first starts out there is no romance, you are nothing to him. He will treat you like you’re only good for one thing- and one thing only- being his personal fuck toy. During this time your pleasure doesn’t matter to him whatsoever, but he knows that you get off of him being like this anyway.

After Alucard gets all the sexual frustration out of his system he can be the softest and sweetest man because he became a hopeless romantic after he gained feelings for you. He will tell you sweet nothings

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Well, this is also kinda a dirty secret of his… he jerks off into your panties.

You have woken Alucard plenty of times by shifting in your sleep, and a few of those times you rubbed your ass right against his crotch.

The first time it happened he didn’t know what to do because he didn’t want to wake you up. But if he doesn’t deal with it you were going to end up waking up anyway because there was going to be something hard against your back.

He luckily got out of bed without waking you and snuck off to the bathroom, his plan was to jerk off into some toilet paper then flush the evidence.

But of course there was none, so in a panic he looked for something around the bathroom that he could use.

Alucard spotted the pair of panties that you were wearing before he stripped you of them so you two could fuck in the shower and decided that would be the substitute for the time being.

He wrapped the soft lingerie around his now throbbing cock and began relieving himself.

By the end of it he realized that he likes using your panties when he is unable to use your pussy. So now any time he gets a hard on at an inconvenient time he sneaks off to your room and grabs a pair of your dirty panties to use to relieve himself if he’s able to.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Oh my… where do we start-

I guess we get the obvious ones out of the way; BDSM for one

Size Kink because he likes that you’re so small compared to him and he’ll tease you for it when you try to act all tough

Gunplay without a doubt but it’s not where he wants you scared of the gun, he likes it when you grind against it. Oh yes, he will fuck you- well he’ll have you fuck yourself- on the barrel of his 16 in” pistol. Holding it in between your legs as he watches you shiver as you rub your clit against the cold metal.

He praises; “you take my cock so well” “baby your pussy feels so good” “mmm, just like that baby” “you’re so beautiful when you moan like”

And degrades: “you whine like a bitch in heat” “I bet you like it like that, huh? I wouldn’t expect any less from a slut like you” “I know a dirty whore like you can take more than just that” “beg for me” “you’re such a messy girl, look at the mess you made on my fingers” “

And can do both at once: “Good job slut” “my pretty little fuck toy” “you’re so cute when you’re desperate for my cock”

Dacryphilia, and he will tease you about it; “you’re so pretty when you cry” “oh look, you’re so desperate for my cock that you’re crying for it”

He might have a small hand kink, it’s definitely due to being touch deprived for years but also because he likes seeing how violent you can be with your hands

Blood play (as a vampire) once again going back to his violent nature, plus I’m just going to use the excuse that blood play is just food play for vampires :D

He just likes see you being violent towards your victims because you might be the big bad wolf to them, but in the bedroom you’re as submissive as a puppy

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

I think Canon Alucard would want to have sex in his room, it might be basic but he likes the privacy and it’s more intimate because nobody is going to hear you two. He is the cause of all those pretty moan of yours, so he believes it’s a symphony that only he should be allowed to hear

But some of my planned versions of Alucard? Oh honey… You poor little thing, he will fuck you whenever, wherever, and however (with consent of course) and you’re just going to have to put up with it

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

This is repetitive but; seeing you fight or fighting you him turns him on so fucking much

Seeing you in revealing clothing- if you’re in a mini skirt you best bet he’s going to have you keep it on while he fucks you.

If he can get to your breast without pushing up the shirt, the shirt is staying on without a doubt.

That choker you have on? He’ll tighten it so you’ll have a bruise tomorrow and he can’t do that, he’ll just work his way around it to get to your neck.

Those sexy boots you wear always look better when they’re on his shoulders

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Alucard won’t ever let you blindfold him or tie him up because he doesn’t like the feeling of being helpless.

He doesn’t really like being underneath someone as said before

But somehow he most DEFINITELY doesn’t mind it when you have his head trapped between your thighs. Like the man won’t let you choke him but he’s totally fine with the possibility of suffocating between your legs though

Also you’re not allowed anywhere near his back door- I’m not going to spell out the reasons why because if you know you know

Also he absolutely will NOT have threesomes, or be a cuckold because he is waaaaay too possessive to even think about sharing. He won’t do it, not ever.

Nor will ever have you watch him have sex with another person because he could never bring himself to

No watersports or scat play, nor is he into feet, or DDLG, also he may like blood but he won’t ever deal with period blood

Alucard doesn’t like hardcore nocon.

He does love seeing you helpless beneath him, but he will never take it upon himself to ‘force’ you into anything. Alucard always needs verbal consent from you directly before he ravages your body.

And he can deal with you telling him ‘it’s too much’ or ‘too big’ or ‘it hurts’ and things along those lines, that’ll boost his ego.

But Alucard can’t deal with hardcore noncon… Logically he understands that if he were to just grab you up and have his way with you it’d still be consensual unless you use the safe word.

But emotionally he could never bring himself to do such a thing as: drugging you, or pretending to kidnap and rape you, or have you act like you’re in fear for your life.

Alucard just CAN’T do it.

And most importantly he will NEVER pressure you into something you don’t want to do, NOR will he ever keep going after you use the safe word.

Idgaf if Bram Stoker’s ‘Dracula’ has him being a rapist as canon. This is my fanfic and I’ll do as I want and I want Alucard to always be a gentleman until he gets permission to do otherwise

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Alucard likes giving more than receiving, it isn’t that you’re bad at giving head; you’re actually the best he’s ever had. But tasting you is a more rewarding experience for him, plus he loves seeing every little movement you make. He knows how to work that magnificent tongue in ways that never fail when it comes to making you weak.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Once again depending on the situation; though Alucard typically starts out with a fast and rough fuck to get out all that pent up anger that he experiences after dealing with people. Also he’ll wreck you when you’re bratty because somebody has to put you back in your place, and that somebody will only ever be him.

Then once all that anger is out- or when he’s decided you’ve had enough and you learned your lesson- he’ll be so soft and sweet.

Though there are days where he didn’t even intend to have sex with you- it kind of just happened- and those are the days he is slow and sensual from the get go.

It tends to be when one- or maybe even both- of you have a bad day and just want comfort from one another. It starts out with a hug and a kiss, then turns into cuddles in the bed with you both having barely anything on. You were in his button up and panties, while he was only in his boxers because that’s just how both of you sleep.

But that plan starts to go out the window when he pulls you closer and gives you a kiss, that’s followed by another kiss… and another, and another, and another… then next thing y’know Alucard’s asking for your consent and you’re giving it to him without any hesitation.

So he’s on top of you, softly kissing on your neck and gently thrusting into you, hitting your sweet spot every time. He tells you everything you need to hear:

“You’re so beautiful” “I am so lucky I have you”

And depending on how far along the relationship is Alucard will confess all his feelings during sex, because he can use it as a safety net and tell you “I only said it in the heat of the moment”

But he’ll confess by sayings things such as: “I love you” “you’re my everything” “I want you to spend forever with me”

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

He doesn’t like quickies, sure he’ll have one every now and then, but prefers to go until he can’t any more. And that’s a really long time.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? Do they take risks? etc.)

Alucard was around a long time before he was held captive in that basement, so he knows what he likes and doesn’t like. But he knows things have changed, so if you want to try something he’s down as long as it’s not you having any control over him and it’s not on his NO List

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Is this really a question? Alucard is a menace and can go from sunup to sundown, for days.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Most he has is blind fold and some restraints for you, but other than that he doesn’t have anything.

But you have toys and he’s not afraid to use them on you but he only does it to tease you though, to make you see how much you don’t need them because he can make you feel better than any toy you could ever find.

No toys are being used on him.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Alucard loves to tease, but also loves to get his dick wet. So the teasing happens until 1) he thinks you learned your lesson or 2) he can’t take it anymore. Then he’ll fuck you real rough and still manage to tease tf out of you while he’s railing you into next week

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Alucard isn’t too loud when he grunts and moans, but he will flatter you with that sultry voice of his. Though when he lets out that maniacal laugh it’s loud enough to rattle you to your core.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Alucard wishes he (or both of you) were human, because he wants you to have his baby and he’d have a breeding kink if it wasn’t for him not being able to get you pregnant.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Bro is 6’5” so leave that up to your imagination

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Alucard has been pent up for years and hasn’t had any sort of relief. He thought he was over sex because he never felt the urge to ever since he’s been reawakened, then he fell for you and that all changed. Now sometimes all he can think about you

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Sometimes he can fall asleep directly after because being in your arms is so comforting and reassuring. You make him feel ‘safe’ in a way, which is ironic because you’ll never be as strong as him.

Sometimes he doesn’t fall asleep until hours after because he watches you sleep. It’s not in a weird way though, he just gets caught up with taking in your beauty and he revels in the fact that he found someone like you.

Someone who accepts his flaws, and his past, and can handle all the Hell that he’s most likely going to bring in the future.

You put up with all his mood swings, but you won’t put up with his shit when he starts being a jerk. You won’t let him blatantly disrespect you, and have no problem- or fear- when it comes to standing up for yourself. Even if you’re dealing with a monster as powerful as him.

And you accept he’s a monster, a monster who you know has killed a countless amount of people and has no problem with killing more.

But it’s not like you’re any better because you’re a killer too. A killer that is almost as fucking crazy as him.

He knows there is a difference between you two though, you have more morals than he does, they’re twisted morals, but still morals.

And that's only scraping the surface. Alucard has so many thoughts that keep him up… it’s hard to believe that you have caused the ‘King of Vampires’ to have so many insecurities that it ain’t even funny.

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ghostdoctor · 1 year

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midoriya analysis because im fucking insane and hes insane

Midoriya analysis because I'm fucking insane and he's insane

Ps i won't be covering the movies bc I like to leave them as their own entities

pps this contains spoilers

god okay so we all know that Midoriya has SOME kinda issue because... yk.... he was literally bullied and abused by his peers physically, emotionally, and mentally for all of his formative years and that's gonna FUCK SOMEONE UPPPP

but but but Midoriya so so obvi has a thing for escapism!!!! yeah, his quirk thing started before he was diagnosed as quirkless and then abused, but did you see how intense it got after he was abused??? how that was literally all he spent his time doing and how it was the only thing he was known for?? AND THEN. HE MEETS HIS IDOL WHO CRUSHES HIS LAST HOPE. and then said idol proceeds to try and build up an already destroyed boy (it doesn't work) because THEN we see even more escapism in UA because they make it so clear Midoriya spends so much time training and pushing himself to be a better hero because it's the only way he knows how to be useful and escape away from his reality of believing that's he's really not worth all that he's been given. Btw pls dont say that “midoriya is just ideally heroic he doesn't have a hero complex” this is an analysis for my opinion ty

Midoriya can be viewed as a narcissist for many reasons as well but that is because he's a product of his environment. Honestly there's ways to show midoriya has a hero complex, is a narcissist, has self esteem issues, has a superiority complex, and more. Im slapping midoriya and going “This bad boy can fit sooo many issues it him”

Another btw before you continue reading: I have really bad adhd and halfway through this forgot what I was writing about so my points get super blurry but I just wanted to state it here. I believe midoriya has severe self esteem issues and a hero complex. I can explain why concisely if anyone asks!

Going by arcs now because I need some order to follow and regretfully can't just throw my thoughts about Midoriya at a wall and hope they stick (I will happily just spout nonsense at anyone who wants to listen):

Pre ua-

Most of this I already covered in the above paragraph but I still wanna break down why Midoriya's childhood set him up for a hero complex and a love of escapism. As mentioned before, Midoriya has always had a love for analysis and heroes but it got much more intense after he experienced large bouts of trauma. You can see him isolating himself and getting completely absorbed into his analysis in multiple parts of the pre-UA sections of bnha. His hero complex stems from the fact that there genuinely was no one to save Midoriya. Because he knows what it's like to be alone without help, he takes it upon himself to save people (he basically says this himself too like my god this boy's hero complex is so so clear). Not to mention the fact that his abuser has been called a hero throughout his formative years. like….god….

All might training-

And THEN all might destroys his dream by telling him he can't be a hero then LEAVES. Midoriya has not had a single good personal hero at this point. Like even his own mother doesn’t save him from this blatantly obvious abuse. So midoriya is just like. Left there to evaluate everything being broken in his life when he falls back on his escapism aka he walks to the scene of a hero feet because “[his] feet carried him [there]” ARE YOU KIDDING ME. he is literally doing something that brings him joy on autopilot. As a response to being told he can't do his life long goal by his idol. Following that he sees bakugou in pain and trouble and this is like right when the hero complex forms. The entire ‘feet moved before you can think’ IS NOT A GOOD THING!!!! He has NO self-preservation in this moment. AND THE ALL MIGHT PRAISES HIM FOR IT. literally cementing his hero complex as a ‘positive’ thing and not at all the self destructive thing it actually is.

Following this all might tells midoriya he has to be the next symbol and that he has to be the one to make everyone feel safe. That is NOT a healthy mindset for a child to be in. Here Midoriya is told that he needs to protect everyone and this is where he starts to feel the need to be the one to fix everything, this is where he feels that everything is his fault.

Usj-

Bro just got put into a hugely traumatic situation and did you see how he literally like blacked out when he went to protect Tsuyu? I’d also like to point out that at this point he's been told by all might that his lack of self preservation is a heroic quality. PLus plus plus being put into a situation like this would hurt your brain function so immensely, the adrenaline rush he must be having at this moment.

Sports festival-

Todoroki. Just the entirety of the todoroki thing. Someones gonna go “he was just doing the heroic thing, that makes him hero quality!!” BUT!!! I GUARENTEEEE MIdoriya saw some of himself in Todoroki then. Like, todorokis situation is ‘boy whos in bad situation with no one coming to save him because no one would believe him/step up against the number ½ hero’ and midoriya's situation as a kid was ‘boy whos in a bad situation and no one is coming to save him because no one would believe him and no one wants to help the quirkless kid’. So midoriya obviously took it upon himself to be the one to save todoroki and at this point he's had all mights words drained into him so he probably has taken it upon himself to save everyone in similar situations.

Hero killer-

Speaking of people in similar situations: Iida! Sooo you're probably going “ghost. Iidas situation is NOTHING like midoriyas” and to that i say LET ME EXPLAINNNN because at this point iida has seen so many people be killed by stain that he more than likely believes no one can stop him but iida himself. This situation is ‘things are happening and no one is actively trying to stop it in the way I should, no one is coming to save this situation.’ so iida takes it upon himself and Midoriya sees this and recognizes it because of his own situation.

Final exams-

Bakugou. I have thoughts about this arc. Midoriya has no self preservation here at all. I could quite honestly say I believe midoriya is in some way suicidal. There is no ounce of non hero complex actions here. Midoriya takes it upon himself to save bakugou from failing the entire final exam even if bakugou doesn’t want that. And the their fight afterwards??? Where midoriya is like “youre all I look up to [bakugou]” (side note i hate calling him kacchan)???? WHERE IS YOUR SELF RESPECT MIDORIYA!!! BAKUGOU BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU VERBALLY AND PHYSICALLY FOR YEARS!!!!!!

Hassaikai and Paranormal liberation--

Combining these because during both arcs midoriya shows absolutely ZEROOO self esteem and self preservation. These two arcs are combined because therye basically him on the brink of absolutely losing his shit and fully leaning into the hero complex.

Dark hero (so important r you kidding)-

R you serious rn..this is literally him going ‘no one else is fixing it so I WILL. in a dangerous way this IS the hero complex arc

But it's also the most self centered arc midoriya has had. His entire childhood has taught him to rely on himself and only himself so it's a given that he would only think about himself when anything happens that he needs to take care of as he's the only one who's ever shown to care about himself and others for a large portion of his life. Midoriya is such a complex character but you genuinely can only tell if you look deeper than what bnha has on the surface of it which makes me sad. I’m not here to diss horis writing and world building skills-he's much better at it than me- I just wish he would go deeper into his characters issues than having them fixed in short spurts (momo)

#brief one line mention of being sucidal #midoriya is just. such a guy #he runs around my mind all the time #i hate him!!!! and i love him!!!#we r literally the same #midoriya izuku #izuku midoriya #this is highkey anti bakugou #i am just not a bakugou fan #sometimes hes okay but most of the time he SUCKS #midoriya izuku analysis #character analysis #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha character analysis

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croissantatwaitrose · 1 year

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Today marks the 1 year anniversary of this blog, so to celebrate, for the first time in AGES… HERE’S A FIC!

Nothin too special or original.. just some giant!slime happening to find a tiny!quackity and uh… yeah y’all know the drill ☺️

C/Ws: vore, sorta fearplay, mouthplay blah blah blah all of that

Great. Just fantastic. Of course he managed to piss off all the wrong people, and get himself shrunk down. Quackity sighed. It wasn’t the first time it’d happened, and knowing his luck? It sure as hell wouldn’t be the last. He hoped, even with his shit luck, that he wouldn’t run into any of the wrong people, ones he’d pissed off or not. In fact, he had just decided that he did not want to see anybody until he had returned to his normal height, which was convenient timing to hear that familiar enthusiastic voice behind him.

“Hello Quackity from Las Nevadas! …you are Quackity from Las Nevadas, right?” The one time he did not want to see Slime. Again. Just fantastic. Quackity turned around to see the goopy man kneeling down to get a good look at him.

“Oh good! I knew it was you!” Quackity did admire how, no matter the circumstances, Slime always had that bright sparkle of life in his eye, even behind glasses. It never faded away, and it was the one thing that made him look remotely human. Still, as much as he admired the good spirits the slime hybrid possessed, he’d have to crush them here and now.

The thing was, Quackity had, in the little time and privacy that he got, researched on Slime’s species after the last time he’d been shrunk, and Slime had been acting oddly around him. He’d found out that slime hybrids were prone to experiencing intense predatory instincts, especially towards those of smaller species. What that essentially meant was Slime could and would eat him then and there, mercilessly. Slime wouldn’t have any idea what he was doing either, and slime hybrids, when they spot a vulnerable prey, intentionally or not, could very easily persuade that prey into doing exactly what they want. He didn’t exactly fear Slime, but he knew he needed to stay away from him.

“Look, Slime. I need to be away from people until this stupid fucking potion wears off. No offence, but that still most definitely includes you, and I hate to say it ‘n all, but especially you.” Slime frowned, not really understanding.

“But… you need me to take you back to Las Nevadas, don’t you? I mean, it’d take ages for you to get anywhere at that height!”

There it was, Quackity noted. The subtle persuasion. And although he hated to say it, Slime was right. Where they were currently? Ages away from anywhere, and that problem would be quintupled for Quackity.

“I… suppose you’re right. Take me back with you then.” Quackity tried to ignore his own instincts screaming to run away as he climbed onto the slime hybrid’s hand. To his slight surprise though, Slime didn’t act upon any instinct he may or may not have been having either, and instead walked at a leisurely pace while babbling about god-knows-what.

Quackity took that as an opportunity to get lost in his own thoughts. Well, he was certainly having thoughts of jumping off Slime’s palm, but that would even more certainly break every bone in his body if he did so. So he ruled that possibility out. Or maybe, just maybe, he’d manage to get all the way back to Las Nevadas without being eaten - or better yet - until he was back to his normal height. Quackity didn’t want to just wait to see how things played out, but it was pretty much the only thing he could do.

He had been lost in his thoughts for so long that he hadn’t even noticed his slimy companion going silent. His walking had slowed a little, too.

“You okay-”

Slime quickly cut him off.

“Have you ever wondered what it’s like to have someone inside of you, Quackity?” No use of full name. Definitely suspicious. He scoffed nervously.

“Depends uh… what type you mean.”

“I think you know exactly what I mean.”

There was a long pause.

“I suppose not.. not really. No.”

“I think about it a lot, Quackity.” His expression was unreadable. Blank.

“Was there a point in asking me this?”

Slime suddenly tightened and readjusted his grip, holding Quackity tightly in his fist. The duck man had the air knocked out of him, now he could barely breathe at all.

“S-slime please let me go- you have no idea what you’re doing!”

“Sure. I can let you go.”

Slime held Quackity over his mouth. It was then that the winged man noticed that the slime hybrid was drooling. Panic swept over him in that moment. How long had he been suppressing this??

“Oh shit- not like that!” Quackity yelled out, but it was already too late. Slime had already dropped him in his mouth. And it was a lot more… wet than he had expected - but then again - he wasn’t sure what he had expected anyway.

He didn’t have time to ask himself that, though, as the even wetter tongue immediately assaulted him: spinning him around, licking him all over, pinning him to the roof of his mouth - Slime was clearly enjoying himself. The loud rumbling of the slime hybrid’s stomach made him even more nervous. He couldn’t taste that good… could he?

Things were going quite fast though. Before he knew it, he was being swallowed to the growling depths below. He tried to squirm frantically, but it made no difference, other than making Slime purr. Was Slime walking now? Maybe. Quackity couldn’t really tell. All he knew was that he wanted to get out of there. He didn’t even know how safe he was, but based off of the situation at hand, he assumed that he wasn’t safe at all.

He chose to fight back rather than wait to find out. He shoved at a stomach wall, but all that happened was his hand going into the stomach wall. Quackity hadn’t even considered that was possible. He would’ve thought that was cool, if it weren’t for the fact he was incredibly scared for his life.

What wasn’t cool was that he could feel Slime patting at him. The fuck? Did he really have to rub it in (punintended 😛)?

So he was trapped in here and he couldn’t struggle? Fantastic.

~~~woo timeskip of 2 hours my bestie~~~

After what seemed like decades later, the walking stopped, then a slight gravity shift occurred. Quackity hadn’t even noticed or cared, he was just so bored of being trapped in this little space. Around ten minutes passed with nothing happening. Then, a hand plunged into Slime’s stomach, and poked around until it found the duck man. This, Quackity did notice. The hand grabbed him, and it was then that Quackity realised it wasn’t a hand at all, but a paw. A fox paw. Fundy had come to save him? How did he even know Quackity was there?

Fundy not-so-gently yanked Quackity out of there. Fundy’s paw and the whole of the duck man were coated in green slime. He patted Fundy’s paw as a non-verbal thanks, before looking around for Slime. He was asleep on a chair. Bastard.

(We are NOT going to talk about how I didn’t proofread this… okay)

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jedzeb · 1 year

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"A trip down memory lane" or something

For me, there are some songs that I listen to that remind me of whatever part of my life I would often listen to that song during. This is the power of music; the same song brings different emotions and different memories to each person, and can give you the feeling of being brought back in time.

Video games can be described as an escape from reality for many. This makes the unique combination of being brought to a time where you are experiencing another world. It feels childish, but despite that, this is a big part of some people's childhood and lives. So let's go back in time real quick.

Disclaimer, I'm going to use some remixes/remasters for these songs that I think fit the song better. Also, they're almost all Pokémon ;)

Pokémon HeartGold/SoulSilver ~ New Bark Town

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The peaceful, first town music of each Pokémon game is always a nostalgic one, as it is the sound of a new adventure. Still being a huge Pokémon fan at the age of 20, hearing the starting town music from a game I played when I was 7 years old is a feeling like no other. It makes me remember the days where I had fun even without having to try understanding everything. This is a great studying or waiting song for me.

Minecraft ~ Volume Alpha

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Nowadays, it is pretty widely accepted that video games can get very addicting and consuming. My first time experiencing this was with Minecraft. A simple game with endless possibilities, where you build up your own world, at your own pace, however you want. The song might be even more nostalgic than New Bark Town's theme for me. Being one of the most popular games in the world to this day, this song probably brings nostalgic feelings for many. As it is a slow paced song like New Bark Town's theme, this could be good study music. However, I don't personally listen to this.

Pokémon Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire ~ vs. Wally

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Perhaps one of the most interesting things in video games is the concept of characters. While they bring lots to the table, there is one thing that isn't expressed much: the fact that you are always the main character. In Pokémon, this means all of those around you will be weaker than you in the end, because canonically, you win every battle.

In the original Pokémon Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald games, Wally was a character with little impact or meaning to the games. He was just a boy who was overprotected by his uncle, and who you would help start up his adventure. In the remakes (Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire), he starts off similar, but grows into a different character in the end. He is no longer another random kid for the player to crush on their path to become champion. Now he has the resolve to win, and doesn't care for being protected by his uncle. He gives one of the best speeches in the series, then goes straight into the hardest guitar theme in the series to kick off the player's battle with him.

A discussion on GameFAQS goes over how he feels like a different character altogether. In the end he still loses of course, but his battle theme is honestly one of my favorite songs in general, and I would listen to it at any time. It would be a crime to describe it with any word other than awesome.

Pokémon Diamond/Pearl/Platinum ~ The piano before Cynthia

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The piano that every Pokémon player fears. It would have been criminal of me to not include this song, so here it is.

For context, this is the song that plays right before the player's battle against the champion of Sinnoh (a region), Cynthia. The battle against the champion is (usually) the climax of a Pokémon game. Whoever defeats the reigning champion is granted the title of champion for themselves, and is the end goal for the protagonist.

As you make it to the final battle, the intense piano begins to play. And before you is Cynthia, the girl who goes around studying the history of Sinnoh; little did you know that the whole time, she was destined to be your final opponent.

Looking and acting badass isn't all there is to Cynthia, though. Remember when I said every Pokémon player fears this song? She is notorious for being the most difficult "boss" in the entire series.

Overall, an epic moment to be remembered. Just chills every listen.

Kirby's Dream Land ~ Green Greens

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Ah yes, Kirby. The adorable little circle that goes around eating things. Green Greens truly captures the fun of these games and the world of Kirby. That is all this song means to me, but that is okay. It's still a banger and the energy it gives is refreshing.

These songs and many others from games give a kind of feeling that I can't find in any other kind of music. I could listen to most of them in any way, but studying, walking around, and driving would be the best 3 things overall.

Below are some other songs I really like and will include in this playlist, but won't go into depth about (If you're into this kind of music, I highly recommend giving "vs. Trainer Red" and "vs. Zinnia" a try):

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time ~ Lost Woods

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Pokémon Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire ~ Zinnia's Sorrow/vs. Zinnia

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Pokémon Gold/Silver/Crystal ~ vs. Trainer Red

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Pokémon Super Mystery Dungeon ~ Partner's Theme

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#Youtube #pokemon #trainer red #cynthia #zinnia #pokemon mystery dungeon #pokemon super mystery dungeon #legend of zelda #the legend of zelda #kirby #minecraft #music #video game music #videogame music #pokemon music

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facade · 10 months

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vent long personal heavy ok

it’s really helpless and crushing how im always cornered back to the same sad answer of how i should have considered the future earlier. my legs are in so much pain, im crying from how much my body aches and im simply told, you shouldn’t have been in your room all day — despite the fact i wasn’t allowed to go outside, and there was seldom walking space in our awful house. i was always sick, and always dizzy. it is crazy how dangerous black mold can be and yet we had a complete infestation of that and more. i want to consider pursuing a career ive had since i was a child though, im so passionate about art and i still am which might be a blessing considering how much commissions are hurting me mentally and perhaps physically .. opening several, several batches a year, constantly cramming them.. i think i want to do college. but i didn’t take on the scholarship i had when i graduated! i didn’t take the aid that covered my first year.. truthfully i didn’t think id make it so far. im insecure, im suicidal, im fragile. the past decade, i could barely get through anything without crying. it was humiliating to exist as i was in middle and highschool due to the living situation i was in, with no money and feeling i had no true support or even solidarity with my own mother, who must have been under much more stress than i was, trying to provide for her child. but still didn’t sympathize with me at all. the situation was hard, but i should have worked harder .. honestly, i do feel selfish for not having taken advantage of my moms effort to keep me in school, but ahhhhhh, i think it was just too much. i didn’t want to live like this. i was ashamed and disgusted, i still feel discomfort associating myself with that life. i cling to childhood and youth and traditions i missed out on because i lacked so much of that routine as a kid. is it so wrong to cry and want to die that you never got to experience a proper, loving christmas like everyone in your schools did ? no toys, no cable, only a tiiiny tiny laptop (like a 2008 chromebook-like thing) to keep me busy.. i wasn’t allowed to go outside of my own house to play with the dog, nor was I allowed to have anyone come over. wasn’t allowed to visit other people’s houses… not like i remember of that much anyways, as i barely remember anything from childhood except mortifying things.. i recently saw a way to connect to my mother by opening up. i confessed to her a lot of things as i was a mute child and never shared anything, never felt comfortable to — about how it affected me, about how i feel like im in stasis. i told her about what happened between me and my father, what happened between me and my brother, and i felt empty when she looked away from me and didn’t answer. No closure or comfort, and simply said that i should have taken advantage of my opportunities when I had them. And i have sabotaged myself. nothing else can explain for my disability, my mental health, and my plummeting education.

It took me 6 years to get an ID. 5 years to get a bank account. I don’t know how to learn how to drive and I am scared but I have to. i cannot go anywhere without someone’s help, primarily hers.

it feels too unfair, and i am still grieving for every year that passes by, even the previous year, that i am still locked in a house. i have never experienced much that i can call positive memories until i went to be with my best friend and my boyfriend. but that just made the memories painful too; when I think about how I have to end the trip. Board the plane or get in the car, and cry about how I have to go back home and be with my mother. it is not normal, to dread going back there so intensely. i wish i had a different life very badly, honestly, but a comfort i have now is that i think i am now strong emotionally and legally that i can make my own plans, manage my own bank, decide who i can visit without the permission of my mother. but. that is not because of my strength, and it is actually because she is sick. and she now has cancer as of september. I feel like i have been held in my mothers arms forced still for an entire two decades and the only reason she’s let go is because she is, her health is not well. And she has prepared me this week, a conversation of where to find her records, her files, her will, her passwords. Everything, if she passes away soon. i want to sleep forever, because i don’t want to wake up to a day wondering if it will happen soon. I don’t want to be in this position. I am scared. I wish I was with people I loved who loved me. i am shaking and sad. I wish I was too drained to cry anymore because I do it too much, for years. I wish I wasn’t such a sad person. I wish I wasn’t so miserable, I wish I had more happier things to think about when people ask me how I am. I feel miserably

I was gifted breath of the wild a couple years ago, now i am finally playing it. it helps i think. i really enjoy it most for the animal interaction and cooking and exploration.

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titoist · 2 years

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a matter of perspective

perspective 1: i feel that the personal developments & realizations i've come to over the past year have been of deeply portentous personal significance. that being said, i feel that it's also been a period of profound psychological deterioration, too… & i think that… it's because i still feel addicted to consigning my experiences to an other. the incentive is removed in the form of notes, but it would be a lie to say i don't write with the consideration that other people will be seeing me at my most private. & that makes doesn't make me feel quite good, to say that least.

perspective 2: no, no, don't spit on your posts. they're just a sort of multifaceted art project, from a certain point of view… people have been doing art for millions of years, right?

perspective 3: i agree with number two. without them, you'd just be going completely insane in a small, cynical, deeply personally harmful geographic space. they're all you have, treat them nicely.

perspective 4: i disagree with 3, with regards to the point that you would go insane. you would still do all the things you do now, but you would do them calmly & with less personal constriction. when disconnected from that compulsion, you'd be able to go about your interests with a sort of zen mindset.

perspective 5: i do agree that you would go insane… but i posit that the insanity would probably actually be a good thing, as being driven mad from total isolation would force you to muster up the courage & perspective to finally go out and get things done… if only to serve as an incentive for actually getting out of your environment.

perspective 6: what if i wouldn't muster up the courage, because my deep inability & perennial unease with others is rooted in something much deeper?

perspective 7: hi, i'm the person you talked about statues with in the spring of 2019, near the entrance of your old middle school…you might remember the period, it was when your rhythms revolved around feeding a black stray you named "lucky", before it succumbed to the elements. you felt a deep, intense & instinctive kinship with me that burns bright within you even now, & you generally regard it as one of the most emotionally cathartic experiences of your life. that type of connection is a completely normal feeling to have - in fact, you should be experiencing it with everyone around you, all of the time. it just so happens that you were born in an extremely stagnant & constrictive society, and your own chances of sociality were practically crushed before you were even born. the circumstances have made it so that, thus far, you've proved deeply incompatible with all the local people around you… that's okay! it's a blameless situation. no one finds you at fault for a present that violently rejects you.

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astertimberwolf · 10 months

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I want to talk about something that happened to me many, many years ago, but that still affects me to this day.

I had no voice / wasn't allowed to speak up back then, and I still feel invalidated in my experience, by what some people assumed of me and labeled me as, which was based on stereotypes of modern pop-culture definitions of psychological disturbances and behaviors.

I want to talk about my time as a(n unknowingly) neurodivergent (autistic and ADHD) lesbian in highschool, in a country that used to be both homophobic and ignorant about mental health issues.

I was a teenager, aged 16.

I had already been through a fair amount of bullying in schools at this point in my life, because I acted and functioned differently from everyone else around me.

This had already rooted a deep sense of mistrust and social anxiety in me when trying to befriend people, as I was 100% experiencing developmental delays in relation to my social skills... partially also due to parental neglect / lack of proper parental (and professional) support / guidance.

I would also like to point out that our high school was sh*t when it came to mental health support. We did not have access to any professionals, and the only free, state-funded psychologists I was able to see outside of school ranged from creepy and downright incompetent, to mediocre at best.

Before I go into more detail about the situation I got myself into, I want to briefly introduce what my autism entails and how it makes me come across.

I have a form of right-brain autism where I am both blessed and cursed with an overly active, vivid imagination, which, at times, has been the source of great suffering due to some delusions and dissociative states it induced in me. The same right-brain autism also caused any and all of the emotions I ever experienced (and still experience to this day) to be 100 times more intense than normal (or at least, it felt like that back then, as I had no way to control them or manifest them in a healthy way).

Additionally, this made me somewhat good at arts and drawing, but to a limited degree, since I only possess a type of semi-eidetic memory (not fully photographic), where I can easily map out 3D spaces, images, environments and sometimes even people to an accurate degree in my own head (hence also why I never get / got lost), but I digress...

...The most unhealthy coping mechanism I had, directly resulting from this braintype, was this dissociative state where I retreated into my own head and imagination, as it was the only place where I felt like I could be myself, and express myself safely without facing any kind of judgement.

It was originally a response to trauma that led me to retreat a lot into this inner world, but it soon turned into an addiction of sorts (especially after I figured out I could trigger it by listening to music I enjoyed) whenever I felt (sensory- emotionally or mentally) overwhelmed by situations that were completely out of my control, irrepairable / unfixable or that I simply did not know how to react to, or handle.

Alongside this, I had a high degree of social ineptitude, and a speech and expression-related disability that would make me say things in a completely wrong way whenever I reacted emotionally and didn't carefully pay attention to every word I said or wrote. It has (in the past) caused many misunderstandings, as well as made me lose friendships, since people always interpreted what I was trying to say in the worst possible way.

...

With this long preface out of the way, here is what happened: I fell head-over-heels for a classmate of mine in my second year of highschool.

It was my first time ever developing feelings that strong for someone, and believe me, if falling in love is devastating for regular, neurotypical people- for me it was an absolutely crushing and unnerving experience, like being hit by a freight train or truck at full speed, but in the emotional sense.

The trigger (reason I fell for her) was a bit of a foreign Freudian root (but I am not going to go into that right now). Something I figured out only during- and after my failed marriage, about 5-6 years ago (from the date of this post, more or less).

So, what happened that ended up traumatizing me and this girl I fell for (as far as I have gathered, from the way she reacted) all those years ago?

It's complicated.

I was labeled a stalker, a creep, a weirdo, among many other derogatory labels and assumptions. I was called a manipulator, a liar, a psychopath and an attention seeker (/ seeking wh*ore), and was even ganged up on by a bunch of her friends once. The latter was in response to an actual suicide attempt of mine (yes, I was that depressed and desperately needed help), which I was not ever intending on letting her know about... and had inadvertetly been told to her by an —at the time— online friend, who wanted to stop me from going through with it.

And where did this start?

With me confessing my feelings to her.

I wish I never f*cking did. I wish I just kept it to myself and kept my distance. It would have saved me so much pain.

That alone (confessing to her) may have already given both me, and her, some sort of anxious breakdown or half a panic attack, as we both did not react well (she went to cry in a bathroom stall, and I just sat in a corner, trying to disappear).

I just felt wrong and horrible for the entirety of the ordeal. There were classmates watching this all go down. It was downright embarrassing, and I had obviously not thought it through, since I simply had the urge to get this out and off my chest, as it had been driving me insane- keeping it all bottled up inside (I genuinely thought I was going to implode due to the intensity of the darn feelings).

Regardless of my reasons for confessing... I tried to take several steps back, and since I already had her reject me then and there, I apologised and asked if we could just be friends instead.

You can guess how badly that went- since my feelings did not just magically disappear / go away from one day to another.

I should have really just gotten as far away from her as humanly possible, but I just ended up digging an even deeper grave for myself, as she had initially agreed to trying to be friends (she was trying to be nice).

My retarded, half-delusional brain secretly hoped, at times, that by befriending me, she would change her mind about me, and it didn't help that I went to ask for advice online anonymously, and people kept suggesting I keep pursuing / chasing after her, and that she would eventually say yes and give me a chance (they probably assumed I was a guy and it's f*cked up enough that this sort of thing is reinforced / normalized as a part of cis-het culture).

I would continue to embarrass myself in numerous ways throughout the year: from being overly friendly / nice, to stealing glances at her subconsciously (as an idiot in love would do) and I was working overtime in trying to make her happy. But I could soon tell that, instead of appeasing her, I was just making her more exhausted and anxious around me. I eventually figured out (how? I cannot really recall) that she was just wearing a "mask" when she was around me, so as to avoid hurting my feelings.

This hurt me even more, ironically enough, the moment I realized she was being disingenuous (I had this whole moral rule where I believed that people should always be honest no matter what), and that wasn't even remotely the worst of it.

I sincerely did not know / realize how my behaviour was coming off to her and to everyone observing the situation- I was genuinely oblivious to my environment, or the connotation of the things I was saying, doing, or thinking.

As a socially impaired, autistic individual, who grew up with 5 cats and few and in-between socialization attempts with peers my age, I tended to overshare. I loved her, therefore I trusted her and I ended up telling her about all my past trauma, about sexual assaults and other really personal stuff that happened when I was just a kid- things I really just needed to keep to myself.

Sharing all of that was another huge mistake- because it was later thrown back at me in the form of ammunition: I was accused by her friends- of manipulating and guilt-tripping her intentionally into pitying me, of all things- and this cr*p upset me more than I could ever hope to express through mere words.

Yes, I was misguided- yes, I was stupid, desperate and socially unaware, but when all this stuff came to a head, I just became increasingly more and more cripplingly depressed.

I never meant to put a mental / psychological and emotional strain on her. I never meant to let my feelings spill out like that. I never meant for anyone to get hurt... And I was just trying so hard to make things right, but the more I tried to "fix" them, the worse everything got.

The first, big, misunderstandings that occurred and led to the stalking accusations (later on) probably started when I (unknowingly) walked by her place a few times, and mentioned it in conversation. I had honestly no idea she even lived there- in that area of town, at first.

For context: I just liked walking around town at that age (aimlessly sometimes), because it helped me disconnect and dissociate from reality through my music-induced fantazising (the unhealthy coping mechanism / addiction mentioned further up).

For me, it meant that I got to explore places I had never been to before, while also spending time in my happy place- in my own head, for as long as I wanted.

In my young, naïve eyes, this was a win-win. A feel-good experience when everything else felt bad- but it didn't last.

Upon discovering that she lived in that area, the third time I took my usual walk around that part of town, I just became increasingly anxious whenever I was near the place. It felt wrong being anywhere in the proximity of that apartment complex subconsciously, and at the time, I didn't know why.

I was the kind of autistic idiot that- when facing a novel, intense emotion in a new situation (which may even have been dangerous), instead of listening to that emotion or bad gut feeling, I would try to prod at it- and try to understand it.

All I did, that one, third time, was look at the apartment complex'es entrance, walk a few steps in, then walk back, because the intensity of the dread and anxiety I was feeling were so big- they were screaming at me to turn back, which I did. I didn't ring any doorbells, or touch anything. I never, ever went back to that place.

I acted the same as a curious, but frigthened cat would, when exploring a new area, and I turned back and went away when things felt off.

But nevermind that. The damage was done. Mentioning I had been in the area a few times was enough to give her relentless paranoia and anxiety.

And that wasn't the worst of it.

She had already given me the silent (and avoidant) treatment a few times (which had sent me down a depressive hole that never seemed to have an end), but yeah... My absolutely 100% retarded and socially unaware self, still thought that it would be a good idea to try and explain myself through a multiple-pages-long apology and explanation letter*, which I stuffed in her locker because I was too socially anxious and terrified, at that point in time, to confront her in person (when she was already clearly mad at me).

*God forbid, I just remembered some of the contents of that apology and explanation letter. I partially understand why her friends thought I was trying to guilt-trip her. What happened around that time was that, since she seemed so uncomfortable with me having a crush on her, I had gotten with this one guy who seemed to be into me- partially out of pity for him on my end (that he had feelings for me when I didn't like him much, but I was in a similar situation so I idiotically decided to give him a chance, projection 101), and partially thinking this would get her to feel safe around me as a friend, and dispell any anxiety she felt- This sleazy scumbag ended up r*ping me. I don't remember the specifics of that apology, but I think I mentioned that to her- as a way to show that I cared about her comfort enough to do something that stupid (getting with someone I didn't know and didn't like, for which I paid the consequences for. It was my fault and nobody else's) and hoped this would also put an end to all of my classmates just kind of avoiding me (the grand majority of our class was made up of girls and I got avoided like the plague, hence homophobia).

There is also a faint memory of me leaving a red rose on top of that locker around Valentine's day (anonymously), but I could not place this event inside of the timeline of f*ckups I had done (or well- it's more the other way around. V-day is February, the rest is a blur) to save my life, as it has been far too long ago- and I cannot even remember if it was a real rose, cut and taken from my own garden (we had these beautiful, strongly scented / wonderful smelling wild roses that were growing at all times of the year where I lived, in a village far away from that town) or a paper one, drawn and colored by hand.

My intentions at the time were the following: I thought that an anonymous rose was going to make her happy because someone thought of her, and she did not need to know it was from me- (dumbest thing ever- hindshight is 20/20 as I eventually learnt why that would come off as creepy and stalkerish) and at first, it seemed to be the case (it seemed to work, until she found out it was from me and got justifiably pissed). I think I was just really that desperate to make her smile, at the time. To be the source of her happiness, just once.

I knew I would never get anything more than that from her at that point. I think by that time she had also gotten herself a boyfriend- a guy from our same class that I was on friendly terms with, prior to them getting together (yes, that felt like a huge backstab. He knew I liked her, and they made out in the hallway unabashedly in front of everyone). It was one of the many things that crushed me into tiny pieces, and contributed to driving me even further down the depression well.

I don't resent that guy anymore, but I did wish they would make their love escapades and make-out sessions a little less public / avoid putting on a show.

...

The last two f*ckups that come to mind, which completely turned me away from her- where I just wanted to be as far away from her as humanly possible / sink into the ground and disappear / leave planet Earth or this plane of existence altogether- involved a Facebook post that was meant to be a DM to my best friend from back then (I had this one girl that tolerated all of my social incompetence at the time, bless her), and the grief-related incident.

I'll explain these two as best as I can... I feel like I have already written enough to fill an essay at this point.

The Facebook incident was my incompetence and inability to use social media platforms due to a lack of understanding on how they worked. I was peer-pressured into signing up to Facebook by my classmates in middle school, but I already hated the platform and found it really counter-intuitive. The only reason I used it at all, was to vent to my best friend in highschool, whom I would usually mostly talk to in person (and I may have used it one time to look up a picture of my crush to challenge myself and see if I could draw her at all- since I was really bad at drawing humans and I had this weird belief that if you loved someone, they became impossible for you to draw right), or just interact with people's posts on my feed by liking and commenting on them (most of the time, pictures). The posts were usually from / made by people who added me as a friend (or whom I added from my class, etc.), my crush included.

Now that I think about it carefully, I may have made a panic post after one of my suicide attempts, which I mention later on in this post (the OD related one). But it's hard to tell since it's a fairly blurry memory.

But yeah, sorry for all the crossed out and bracketed text. I just meant to say that me using FB to DM my best friend back then, was mainly due to a period of time where we couldn't see each other much because she was both an extraverted, social party girl, and was in a different class with very separate / conflicting timetables compared to mine (we got separated in second year, while we were still in the same class in first year).

Basically, here is what I thought I was doing: I thought I was sending my best friend a bit of an absurd dream I had, where I was quite literally physically stuck between my crush and her boyfriend- in the dream it didn't seem like anything more than hugging (everybody had their clothes on), but I was joking around, to relieve some of the awkwardness and embarrasment it made me feel, because from a certain close-up angle it looked bad, so I ended up saying something like "it looked like a threesome" in the post- and this was just my idiotic teenage humor. I didn't really mean anything of the sort by it.

If only I had taken the time to read that the button I was about to press said "post", I could have saved myself another huge wave of shame / mortification / humiliation.

I also failed to recognize that my crush and her boyfriend were being automatically tagged- I thought that the blue highlight was some kind of innocuous auto-link thingie to their profiles inside of a DM, and that it had nothing to do with them being tagged / notified of this, and oh man- the backlash was immediate, and it was brutal.

I started getting horrible comments from the boyfriend, her friends, and even her too, probably- shaming me, demanding I take down the post and that it was uncalled for. I immediately deleted the post as soon as I realized it was a post and not a DM, but by that point, the thing had been up a while (a whole night or so), and the damage had been done. I eventually ended up deleting my entire Facebook account due to this and other, less than pleasant things that happened on there.

Moving on to the grief incident-

My depression was not just due to the daily hell that had become my highschool experience the unrequitted feelings I had to live with every day (as well as my subconscious almost constantly tormenting me with dreams featuring her). The one and only person who ever truly loved me in a healthy way also ended up in hospital- and soon passed away from cancer that same year: my maternal grandmother. She was the only ray of sunshine (if not as warm as the whole sun itself) that made me feel like I mattered, was loved and cared for. She would give the biggest, warmest of hugs, and would always put a smile on everyone's face. I still miss her dearly.

This void in my life, left by my grandmother's death, happened very closely —time frame wise— to something that my crush was (unbeknowst to me) experiencing as well. This was during one of the still alternating periods of time where I would mess up occasionally and try my best to fix things- I was still on relatively friendly terms with my crush when, all of a sudden, from one day to another, she started avoiding me and giving me the silent treatment again. It was so sudden and so unexpected that it really caught me off-guard and sent me spiraling into a flurry of anxiety and depression. I was so tired of it all. I just wanted to be socially competent and not embarrass myself at every other turn... I sincerely thought it was my fault, once again- that she wasn't talking to me anymore. That I had done something wrong, inapprorpiate, or unacceptable unknowingly.

There was a spectacular lack of communication in all this, as, if I had known what was going on, I was going to keep away and give her the space she needed to grieve, but essencially: her father, whom she had a really close relationship to, had died. This was told to me much much later, during the friends gang incident.

... Be as it may, this silent treatment of hers was the last straw of a series of bad events and things that happened to me, which pushed me further into my depression- making me feel worse than I had ever felt before in my life (to this day I have never experienced that sort of depressive low again).

I was already failing at school, with all of this emotional turmoil going on- and my narcissistic, neglectful father would just yell at me at home and make things worse. I just spent every other afternoon locked in my room... Which had turned into a depression cave. I was in too much pain, too exhausted, too self-hating and abandoned to myself to care anymore. I just wanted for the pain to stop. I couldn't- and did not want to continue living like this- through this literal hell on Earth, day in, day out. It was one of the worst low-points in my life.

I honestly just wrote a goodbye letter to my online friend (as I had sort of drifted away from my IRL best friend a bit), and thought that would be it. I was going to just slice my wrists open and let myself drain of all life, and then the pain would finally stop.

I know how messed up this sounds, but that's just how messed up I was... and felt. I had nothing to look forward to, no support system, no happy place left (my own head had turned into a place of festering darkness where I was just constantly ridiculed, taken advantage of, neglected or abandoned). And that's where the suicide attempt she learnt about came to be (where her friends ganged up on me afterwise)- Because menacingly reality-checking a broken, anxious, depressed, suicidal, desperate, neglected, autistic teen is the sound-of-mind thing to do, instead of getting help from adults to deal with the situation. You totally aren't going to trigger PTSD and trauma from being bullied early on in other schools, nooo... Sorry. The sarcasm here is some of the leftover bitterness I felt for those people. They expected- or rather demanded of me to act like a functional, not developmentally delayed adult, when none of us were adults to begin with.

Given everything, I don't directly blame them, but there were better ways to deal with the situation compared to what they did- or what the school did, which was exactly nothing.

I needed to stay away from my crush and everyone in that class from the get-go.

I should have been removed and placed into special care and on suicide watch, as well as forced to see a paid-for, competent mental health specialist.

My life would have gone much differently if only they had caught my autism early on. But none of that ever happened. I got encouraged by internet strangers to do the wrong things, driven to near insanity trying to find a balance between handling my feelings, my dumb subconscious and weird brain, and trying to survive in school, while also not making my crush uncomfortable- with little to no socialization skills to aid me whatsoever.

I probably did a lot more damage than I realized, between having to share the same girls' locker rooms when we were changing for P.E.- either at the school's swimming pool or one of the various gyms we visited... And letting my anger (and jealousy) out on her boyfriend during increasingly more violent dodgeball games. 🫠

I was a certified moron, who did not know how to human (I still don't know how to human, but I got better) or have a lid on her own emotions- didn't know what was socially appropriate and what wasn't until I made a fool of myself-

I never, ever want to see my former crush, nor her friends, ever again- unless it's to have an adult chat and have them show some remorse and apologize to me at least a little bit. I know I was a pain in the arse to deal with, and I do not deny all the damage I have done on my end. I acknowledge it and I apologized profusely for it so many times, but there simply wasn't anything I could do to go back in time and reverse it. Life isn't a videogame or simulation where you get several attempts at something. You usually just get one shot and then you are immediately judged.

Highschool turned out to be a flurry of trauma, drama and bad experiences for me. I attempted sucide thrice in that time span and self-harmed in many ways. Not gonna lie, I probably damaged my kidneys a little during one of those suicide attempts (slightly ODd on some food supplements, thinking they were a harder drug).

The sexual trauma from being r*ped also persisted throughout the early part of my adulthood and gave me mood swings and more PTSD. I finally got rid of it around the age of 24, give or take- so basically, during COVID-19, where everything slowed down (and I finally had the time I needed to process all of the repressed, horrible, traumatic sh*t I kept running away from).

But yeah... The aim of this vent post is not to victimize myself in any way, but rather to put my pent up, leftover trauma and feelings into written form and exorcize some demons from the past, so to speak.

I avoided, or tried to avoid my crush throughout the rest of highschool. I literally applied to- and took an exam to change classes, so that I wouldn't have to run into her every single day anymore (though we still bumped into each other in the hallways occasionally). My PTSD and fear of encountering her in the hallway back then was so strong that my attendance kept dropping and getting worse and worse throughout my third year of highschool, even though we were studying different things now.

The sad part is that, to this day, my subconscious just remains on high alert and scans for her presence in places where I had known her to be at, because it's STILL utterly TERRIFIED of bumping into her. I have so many bad associations and traumatic memories related to that person that my brain just identifies her as THREAT / DANGER. I genuinely react worse to the thought / chance of encountering her- than being stalked home by a guy meaning to harm me.

That's the level of psychological damage we are talking about.

To this day, it's the only unresolved trauma I have left.

How I know it still affects me?

Her father was from this seaside village, in a neighboring country (same nationality as my mother- she told me this when we were still friends), where a lot of the local women look rather similar to, or almost just like her. Small gene pool I guess. And while vacationing there at the beach (not by choice, some family friends my mother always wants to visit live there- t'is a smol world), this one girl walks up to our beach spot in my general direction and just as I turn my head, my subconscious sees a shadow of my old crush in this girl / woman's face and I freeze. I felt like someone had poured liquid nitrogen all over me, and I felt this chill- completely root me in place, passing through my body like being impaled with a spear. Hell, it was an undescribable sensation, of the bad kind. The third F of the Fight or Flight responses...? Freeze?

So yeah, f*ck it. I hope the universe keeps her far away from me, though given my luck, that probably won't be the case. I swear to God, if I bump into her anywhere near where I live right now, I am just going to turn 180° and start running in the other direction.

[Insert "why are you running?" Meme here]

Yeah, no, bYE-

---

I'm going to end this post on one, last note: there was something I was never quite able to explain.

During my self-imposed and forced phase of denial (that followed this ordeal, where I thought I was still bi instead of a lesbian because "I only had traumatizing experiences with men, therefore I would like it if the right person came along" -> load of cis-het, homophobic BS that people brainwashed me with), which took place during my last two years of highschool (third and fourth year), I had started dating this one friend of mine, who was compassionate enough to understand I wasn't a danger to anyone but myself, and knew that I was just a troubled teen that needed help.

He was relatively (or even fairly) good-looking, according to the average cis-het beauty standards (not like I cared, it was his kindness that had drawn me to him in a platonic way, since I cannot fall for men) and I think this may have been around the same time where my crush's boyfriend dumped her to be with another female classmate from that same class she was in-

Usually, she (my crush) would just put on a fake smile and wave when she walked past me outside of school (acknowledging my presence), or sometimes just blatantly ignore me (if she was in a bad mood), which was fine by me. But there was this one time where I was walking through the entrance gate that led into our high school, and I was holding hands with my "new boyfriend" (the friend I had started dating) and she was walking in the opposite direction, to leave the school grounds... When she spotted me. She just stared at me with such intense and fierce hatred in her eyes (???), scoffed, and then walked past us. It was so utterly weird...?! Like- was she jealous that I had a boyfriend (that I wasn't even able to love) and she just got dumped...? That's the only logical explanation I could find, because it didn't make any logical sense.

Why would you be jealous of seeing someone who had feelings for you, who you weren't even interested in, called a stalker and wanted gone so bad- date another person? Was she jealous I was with a handsome and generous guy?

I have absolutely no clue to this day, as to what the hell all of that was about.

I tried to put it out of my mind but the nonsensical behavior there stuck with me for quite a bit.

Random thing that resurfaced as a distant memory, while remembering everything else.

People are fekkin weird.

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