#whatevers wrong with my head also makes my internal monologue really bad sometimes

[evilmagician430]

me to my girlfriend: i love you. whenever im around you the voices get quiet

her: ok

[ghostietea]

Furuba autistic headcanons

With it being April, or autism acceptance month, I wanted to finally drop my list of characters from Fruits Basket that I read as autistic! This is based a lot on my own experience, as well as that of other autistics I know or have seen talk online. I hope some people can get something out of it, feel free to tell me what you think 😊, though please refrain from getting upset that I would dare suggest your fave is autistic.

Hanajima

Before becoming able to better control her powers, she would be constantly overwhelmed by the things she heard to the point that she couldn't even really go out in public. This reads a lot like sensory overload.

Constantly picked on in school because other kids thought she was weird. Eventually reclaimed this weirdness and turned it into a whole persona.

Seems to talk usually in a relatively flat tone.

Had trouble socializing with no friends outside her family until middleschool.

Has a very funny, dry sense of humor that I find very similar to a bunch of autistics I know, including myself.

Hatsuharu

Listen. You have seen the funky little man, you have seen the way he talks, the way he acts around others. He is, and I mean this in the best way, a weirdo. I do not know how you could look at him and see a neurotypical.

Once again, like Hana, Haru is funny in a way that feels very autistic.

Very flat, dry, tone delivery. Sometimes just Says Things that make everyone else go huh??? Suuuuper blunt. Doesn't emote facially a lot of the time.

When this man sees a social norm he doesn't get he WILL NOT follow it. Pierces his ears just because his hair got flak, defends Momiji wearing whatever he wants because sometimes y'know the social rules are just dumb and don't make sense. Especially dress codes.

Sometimes says things not befitting the current tone of the situation.

Represses (masks) a lot of his emotions, leading to outbursts that seem uncharacteristic.

His main childhood trauma revolves around adults branding him as "dumb" and ridiculing him. Haru, however, is super smart and wise!! Just in an offbeat way that not everyone may get.

Machi

Reads as very "flat" emotionally to the point that others would call her boring. Also has a flat vocal delivery.

Relies on specific habits or ways of doing things or else she gets super upset (her hatred of imperfection.

Has trauma surrounding adults completely misconstruing her intentions and thinking she's doing something malicious when she's not.

Generally behaves in a way that's hard for others to understand, one of her formative moments with Yuki was him saying he wanted to "see how the world looks" through her eyes.

Once again, trouble socializing.

Tries super hard to please her parents but in the end they still see her as somehow inherently "defective."

Listen. A lot of this one and the last two are mostly vibes, hard to verbally define. You just have to look at them and trust me.

Tohru

Displays behavior very reminiscent of masking throughout the story, a huge part of her arc is about how she hides a lot of herself and has a very controlled persona. I think it would fit very well if she had other autistic behaviors that she suppresed also it helps explain why she is relatively socially adept, it's learned behavior to make people like her more.

Yes she is very good at saying what others need to hear, but especially early on she is pretty blatantly imitating her mother's words. She only gets better at getting through on a more personal level later on (see her with Rin and Akito v. early series Tohru). She does this by relating her own experiences, a very autistic way of showing empathy that often gets us written off as self centered. The way she relays things her mom said could also be seen as this, and she even worries at a few points that she's being insensitive for going on about things like that.

While emotionally repressed she is hyper empathetic and feels other's emotions so strongly she cries.

Her speech patterns are all imitated from her father and she often copies verbal things from others (see Ritchan-san). Noted in canon that people think her way of speaking is slightly off/not befitting of someone her age. Additionally, her father was polite more sarcastically, while she plays it straight and sometimes takes things very literally or fails to get the message, indicating trouble with reading tone. Has numerous strange verbal tics, including saying parts of her internal monologue out loud without context.

Very expressive with her hands including waving them around and flapping them up and down.

Does have a bit of trouble with accidental insensitivity in social interactions, like how she constantly fixates on her mom and realizes that might bug the Sohma.

Has trouble paying attention in school since it doesn't have much to do with her interests

Her only friend until she was a middle schooler was her mom

Has a pretty unique outlook on things compared to others, people seem to think she's pretty eccentric. There's always a "this girl is nice but in an odd way, she's our weirdo and we love her" vibe.

Sometimes has an "inappropriate" emotional response to situations

Has a lot of trouble with change, similar to Akito. Which oh, look at the time, next hc coming up.

But first, a disclaimer. It is cathartic for me to read Akito this way, but with that reading comes the baggage that she would, mayhaps, be showing a more negative side of things... It doesn't bother me since it's a joint hc with other characters and she does develop at the end but yeah, general villain hc baggage. This is in no way me trying to excuse her being The Worst being autistic doesn't absolve you of being able to do wrong . Also, a lot of these points can and do have other explanations related to her upbringing, but things can be for more than 1 reason. With that said, she really strongly comes off as autistic to me, in a way that's sorta hard to explain. I wrote a lot more for her than the other, both because I felt I needed more to convince people and that this headcanon was more sensitive and I needed to be careful in my explanation. Also hey! She's my special interest within a special interest.

Akito

Shown to have a dislike of summer weather due to heat and brightness, could be due to sensory issues in tandem with sickness things. Also covers her ears when people raise their voice sometimes which is partially her trying to shut down opposition but also 🤔 can read a different way. She'd also avoids louder Juuni like Ritsu and Ayame because she can't handle them.

Wears pretty much the same outfit every single day. Said outfit is also pretty loose fitting.

Always seen sitting in a pretty unconventional way. Evidence:

Of course this is also the isolated in a cult thing and there is a level of her purposefully doing things to intimidate but: doesn't follow a lot of social rules (overly touchy with strangers, legit doesn't get that what she's doing is wrong, ect.). Repeatedly confused when people indicate she should act otherwise without explanation. Has a breakdown when this comes to a head and approximately says that "they" shouldn't expect her to know "common sense" if "they" never explained it to her, that the way that she was was her "common sense."

Often talks in a way uncharacteristic of her age when shown as a child in a more faux mature/pretentious way. Might just be the translation and idk how to explain it but her speech as an adult also seems off from what one would normally use in conversation. Additionally, when she tries to fake being friendly in her intro chapter, it comes of as extremely stiff and unconvincing.

Generally displays behavior that could be thought of as childish as an adult, but a lot of this behavior could also read as autistic (covering ears, emotional deregulation and meltdowns, ignorance of basic social norms, ect.). It's also important to note that she knows that this behavior makes her seem younger and more helpless to the older zodiac and uses it as a manipulation tactic. Has issues regarding people treating her like a child or only hanging out with her because of pity. While she does weaponize it, we can tell that this grates on her, as seen with her finally blowing up on Kureno, which is partially triggered by the maids saying some sorta infantalizing stuff about her. Irl, a lot of autistic adults and teens struggle with being infantalized for our behavior generally or treated as little babies that can do no wrong. Even in fandom, you see people doing stuff like jumping to call autistic adult characters, such as Entrapta from Shera, "minor coded." It is also common for us to have at least one bad experience with someone hanging around us out of pity. This is something that really gave me a similar feeling in Akito's arc. She's not a baby and she can understand and do better if she is given the chance to learn and break from all the freaky cult indoctrination she's been subjected to instead of just being constantly enabled. In the end, a lot of her growth is represented by her showing that she is capable of changing and being independent.

Shows particular difficulty with socialization, often sits by herself spacing out at social events. A lot of her fear is rooted in the fact that she doesn't know how normal relationships work, becoming overly reliant on the curse because she doesn't know how to make friends.

Clings desperately onto the notion of being "special" and in some way superior to others to be worthy and to make up for perceived inherent "flaws." It's the nd gifted kid burnout vibes for me.

Easily bothered by things that don't bother others. Feels emotions very strongly to the point of getting physically ill and has bad emotional regulation.

Relatively good at reading others in an analytical sense (though has more trouble when it comes to seeing how they feel about her since she's wildly delusional) but brings up her observations in a very cold, detached way and hurts people even on the rare occasion she didn't mean to. Has extreme trouble connecting to others and understanding their point of view. This makes her come off as pretty unempathetic even though that might not fully be the case. Also thinks that people like Momiji are trying to look down on her when they try to empathize with her. A lot of why Tohru can get through to her is that she manages to convince Akito that she's not condescending by relating shared traits and experiences. As I said earlier, autistics often empathize by sharing their own experiences with someone, and I know I often have an easier time confiding in other autistics because of a fear of being seen as lesser by those that don't understand me. I think the connection between these charachters and the way that Tohru manages to reach Akito like that while others couldn't makes a lot of sense through an autistic lense!

Additionally, when Akito herself gets around to trying to help others instead of just projecting trauma, she tries to reach out to the old maid by relating back to her own experiences. This however, doesn't work.

Has "cold" emotional reactions sometimes even to things that do make her upset. For example, how sort of calm and detached she acted after her father's death can make her seem uncaring. However, we know that this event did mess her up a lot and she is still (poorly) dealing with a lot of grief from the death of her father years later.

Copies mannerisms from others, the most blatant example is with Ren, who she directly parrots lines from as a child to Yuki.

Partly just her posturing, but gestures a lot with her hands when she talks. Also seen several times clutching her hands in her hair.

Deals extremely poorly with the idea of things changing to the point that it is a driving force of the story.

Does not understand when people tease her.

Ect. Ect. Ect. Listen, I could go on for ages but just trust me, the mean gremlin lady is autistic.

[jojotichakorn]

@octopisunsets said: Her nephew literally tried to do the Bad Thing to himself because he was so worried he would hurt Yuhan. Of COURSE her first instinct would be to remove him from the very person that drove him to attempt the Bad Thing.

major trigger warning for discussions of suicide in this post !!

so , let’s talk about the aunt , shall we ?

first of all , yoo han didn't " drive yeon woo to his suicide attempt " . how can you even say that ? what drove yeon woo to it was the idea that he is a monster , that what he is is bad - the idea that the world ( his aunt included ) forced onto him repeatedly .

i'm going to give you a clear metaphor . a good chunk of queer people have an especially hard time dealing with both internal and external homophobia at this specific point . considering how homophobic society is , it is already very hard to be queer on your own , but when you have a partner , things really set in motion . who you are is no longer a theoretical thing homophobic people around you can ignore ( especially if you aren't visibly queer and/or are in the closet ) - because at this point you become visibly queer and you step out of the closet , you have a partner . and then imagine , you are already in this complicated situation , and then you come to your aunt ( the only family you have left and the woman you live with ) and she says she doesn't approve . it's very akin to the whole " you shouldn't do this , because the world is so homophobic and it would be so hard on you " and " i wouldn't want you to live the kind of heavy life those people live " . do those ideas come out of love ? perhaps . but it doesn't matter , because they come from blatant homophobia as well . and in immortal words of my best friend : love is useless if it hurts the other .

second of all , his aunt was against them from the start and she still is at the end of the series . even though she allows them to be together ( and thank gods for that ) , she does not approve .

when she first finds out about yoo han , the scene that happens between her and yeon woo is terrifying . 

both my parents are fucking shitheads , so i am all too familiar with the layout , which can sometimes be scarier than kicking and screaming . the silence , the angry disappointed look , it’s all there . 

she gives yeon woo time to bask in his own shame . she makes sure he comes to the conclusion of what he’s done wrong on his own . the impact is always stronger that way . and then the verdict .

it always comes . right away . it’s harsh , it’s unforgiving . sometimes , it isn’t even true . sometimes it’s just emotional blackmail that they hope will lead their child to the conclusion they want from them without too much fuss . the delivery is also often completely emotionless , to give the verdict an air of a fact rather than a decision that can be argued .

and then we see the aunt show her true face .

the face that’s selfish - first and foremost , it’s always selfish . they always have something that they want for their child ( or rather - for themselves in connection to the child ) , and it matters more than what their child themself wants . 

and don’t tell me yeon woo is selfish here as well , because in this clear parent/child power imbalance , the child can not be selfish . ultimately , the aunt makes all decisions , she is in charge of his life ( also known as the reason why children are oppressed and we have the convention on the rights of a child - i don’t actually know if yeon woo is a minor here or not , so children’s rights might not specifically apply to him , but the point still stands - the parent makes the decisions ) . this is not a balanced conversation . this is not a dialogue of what each of them wants - it is a monologue of what the aunt wants with yeon woo’s attempts to protest and have his opinion valued even a little bit .

she has lost her sister , and there is a possibility she will lose him too . her first thought isn’t what yeon woo wants - that he wants to try , that he knows the possibilities and dangers all too well himself . her first thought is her own wants and needs .

and she realizes it too . when yeon woo breaks down , she backtracks . 

but she doesn’t stop , does she ? 

she continues reminding him that he is acting exactly like his mother ( you know , the one that went MISSING , the one they LOST ) at every turn . you know what this reminds me of ? when i first came out to my mother back when i was identifying as a guy , she made every single conversation we had about how i am the most feminine girl in the world and i could never be anything , but a girl . 

it’s the relentless reminders , it’s this idea that they make sure to put into your head . they do it because they hope that one day you will hear it so many times , you will start believing it yourself . 

but may i remind you , this sister the aunt talks of is yeon woo’s mother ? it isn’t as if he hasn’t experienced the same thing she has - he lost his mom , who he loved more than anyone else in the world ! and she uses this fact to make him do what she wants . i also remind you that yeon woo’s mother - you know , an actual mono - was proud of who she was . she told yeon woo stories of how she met his dad , and how he will one day also meet someone who will be this incredible person that brings color and love into his life .

and don’t you dare tell me that the aunt , who is a regular ass fucking person , knows more about the hardships of being a mono than yeon woo’s mom ( who - i repeat - was an actual mono ) . the aunt doesn’t know shite about the experience , she is terrified of it and what it can do , and she is very much perpetuating the idea of it being monstrous , she always has . 

and then yeon woo breaks down , because he starts believing it . fully now . he is a monster . and after his aunt finds him , what is her first instinct ? that’s right - to send him to what is basically the equivalent of a conversion camp . ( no , seriously , the whole concept and the framing of yoo han as specifically saving yeon woo from there - it’s pretty straightforward ) .

and then a change happens . the aunt realizes that oop - actually , if she continues forbidding yeon woo and yoo han’s relationship , she will lose yeon woo anyway . and that , of course , won’t do , since that’s what she was so scared of in the first place . so she reluctantly allows them to be together . why do i say reluctantly ? well , because of this final scene with the aunt :

( pro tip : this is actually not what support looks like - just saying ! )

also , just to mention some quick statistics , being supported for who you are at home helps out children a lot . all children , but especially my dear lgbtq+ children . for example , my fellow trans folks have a suicide rate of 40% . according to different studies , it drops to anywhere between 20% to 15% in case of family acceptance . 

to say that yeon woo’s suicide attempt was due to him finding his probe and finally fully embracing being a mono is the same as to say that my suicide attempt three years ago was due to me being trans and finally accepting it . neither are true . it was because we both had shitty , unsupportive home environments . 

so actually , now that i have explored this whole thing more carefully , i retract my statement . the aunt isn’t just icky , she fucking sucks !

oh and by the way , don’t try to show me moments where the aunt was “ nice “ or whatever - that will only prove that you don’t know shit about the topic . it’s the one day in a week rule that so often confuses people , who end up in abusive relationships . “ oh , they are perfect almost every day , but then there is a time once a week ... “ - no amount of candy given every monday can make up for a bruise planted every sunday . 

- yours truly , unwilling expert on shitty parents ( no , seriously , i wish i didn’t know and couldn’t see any of this shit , but alas , my life took an ugly turn in the family department ) .

[hollyhomburg]

Butterfly (Part 3)(BTS x Reader)

Summary: You’d always imagined that your relationship would be over if your seven boyfriends found out you self-harmed. But after a slip up involving Namjoon, everyone finds out about your bad habit. To your surprise, they make it clear that they’re not going anywhere.  

Warnings: Panic attacks, Graphic depictions of self-harm, , suicide attempt, hospitals, panic attacks, breakdowns, horror, blood

W/c: 13.6k

Song rec: Make it right ~ BTS

A/N: I know it's been a long time but I hope people enjoy this installment of Butterfly! warning- it’s pretty heavy, but it ends well. As I've stated before, it’s not my intent to romanticize mental illness, prompt someone into a negative headspace, or make light of any mental health issues. This work has been cathartic and sometimes difficult to write. 

Please, if you feel like you are not in a good place, reach out to someone, I promise you people care more than you think they do- Even if it doesn't feel that way. 

National Suicide Prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255

*** This chapter contains graphic content of a that may trigger some readers, Please take note of the warnings and Read at your own discretion ***

The day is soft and leisurely- almost euphoric, people running around the Han river and the sun shining somehow brighter. Of course, the humidity outside is an oppressive weight that stops everything from being completely enjoyable and keeps clothes sticky. But it fails to put a damper on the overall incandescent mood that all of the boys feel. 

As Practice finishes earlier than expected, a rarity in itself; the boys feel the giddiness of summer making any exhaustion dissipate. What is rarer is that they have no plans for the next day or the day after that- a rare stretch of free time a respite from their constantly full schedules, and they don’t want to waste a moment of it

The ac unit is pumping freely into the air as they step into their apartment, the same place where all farce falls away. Suddenly hands get heavy and tender and Shoulders lean into arms that will gladly support them. Kisses pressed to hot sun warmed lips that linger in the safety of things known and mutually cherished. Hoseok trips over Jungkook’s shoes but only laughs instead of scolds Hoseok gives him a playful nibbling kiss in retaliation. Everything is good- nothing stressful. Idyllic.

Jungkook claims the largest shower to a chorus of groans from the others who are also sticky with sweat from the dance practice.  The 3 other bathrooms are  steadily claimed, eyebrows raised and questions asked with raised eyebrows, “want to join?” 

Jungkook takes off his clothes and puts them right into the washing machine. He grins when Yoongi tells him that he shouldn’t be a tease. And licks his lips in answer to the wandering hungry eyes, Tae already has Jimin pressed up against the counter in the kitchen, neither of them caring much that they’re both sweaty. But they won’t waste the day doing this here, there will be time for that later. 

Jungkook giggles and walks in the direction of the largest bathroom. The one just off of Namjoon’s room. The blinds drawn against the sun is the first indication that something might be wrong- that and, your clothes are folded there, neatly, on the bed, your wallet on top. 

You must have left it. He doesn’t remember you leaving in their clothes this morning, but maybe they’re clean and Namjoon just folded them for you. You do that sometimes, leave wearing their clothes claiming that theirs are so much more comfortable, only to forget half your wardrobe here. 

Jungkook smiles, thinking of how forgetful you can be, the countless times that you've gotten somewhere looked up and said “oh I forgot my phone!” and Namjoon would look over his shoulder and shake his head sometimes saying, “We spend too much time together you’re starting to act like me.” Hoseok slinging his arms around your shoulders from behind, frog walking with you for a few feet until it gets too inconvenient, making noises in time with your steps. Hoseok can’t see it but you're smiling but the rest of them can.  

“She’s just distracted by our handsomeness~” he sings, the same moment you join in. And Jungkook finds himself impossibly endeared, tipping his head into Hoseok's shoulder and grabbing your shoulders at the same time.

“Help- she’s been consumed by a junghope sandwich, someone get me a plate” Seokjin deadpans, making everyone erupt into laughter.

The memory is sweet and fond on jungkook's tongue. He misses you, he want you here right now to enjoy this day with them. He feels your absence as keenly as he would with any of the others. The clothes are a reminder that there is 1/8th of them missing. Though you were there that morning when they woke up (You’d slept between Jimin and Taehyung last night). You’ve probably gone back to your own apartment to get some work done. Sometimes Jungkook wonders why you even still live apart from them at all. 

“Hey has someone called Y/n? She should come over today!” his request is answered by a few muted agreements. Words swallowed by the largeness of the house.

Things have been so much better between you and Jungkook recently. Not quite the best, but he’s coming around and you’re letting him in again. Namjoon had given Jungkook a mountain of articles to read about helping people with your type of problems, and it’s safe to say he’s dedicated himself fully to the mantle of being an understanding boyfriend. understanding and not helpful- because it was irrational to think that they could fix your mental health (Namjoon’s words not his- Jungkook swears he’s an expert on this). 

The lingering awkwardness felt between you two had disappeared after he’d done the hard thing and apologized. 

The night Jungkook finally man’s up, You’re in Jimin’s room. Fiddling around with something on his computer trying a find a new drama for the two of you to watch having finished the previous one the night before. Jimin’s hair is curly and floppy and bleach fried. He reclines on his bed in a baggy set of blue pajamas and prattles to you about things on twitter when Jungkook had come in, propping up his shoulder on the door frame. 

“Hey, do you mind if i um- talk to you for a minute?” Jimin looks up from his phone, sending a concerned look in your direction, almost looking like he might want to stay to mediate. The fact that Jimin thinks he might need too only makes Jungkook feels worse. But he swallows down the feelings shame, because this isn’t about him or how he feels- this is about how he’d hurt you and owning up to it.

So he can’t take it personally, Jungkook knows Jimin doesn't want to risk another incident like the one a few days ago where Jungkook yelled at you in the hallway and inadvertently made you go… hurt yourself. No mincing words. Of course, that hadn’t been his intent, but that had been the effect of his actions. 

Whatever look you give Jimin must make him decide that it’s okay to leave the two of you alone together, “I’ll go get the popcorn.” Jimin says as he gets up off his bed, brushing Jungkook’s hip affectionately with the tips of his fingers in passing as he slips by and gives you both privacy. Jungkook shifts from foot to foot. Until your eyes flicker up from the computer. 

“You can just sit Kookie.” Jungkook squishes down on the edge of Jimin’s bed, feet on the floor, elbows on his knees As you forgo the computer and turn the rolly chair in his direction. He runs his hands through his hair. 

Jungkook looks at the ground, unable to meet your eyes,  “I don’t know where to start.” You don’t respond, and when he looks up he finds you not looking at him either. Your hands clenched together in your lap, twining over each other in the way he knows you do when you get nervous.

Are you thinking about indulging in your bad habit right now? Is that why you look so distracted? Is it like a notification on your phone? Dragging your attention away from the present? How does it feel? Are you okay? Would you even tell me if you weren’t? Tell me love - tell me please- I only want to-

This isn’t about me, he reminds himself.  

“I want to apologize to you- I know that I didn’t make enough effort when you first told us about your…your self-harm” Jungkook barely manages to get the words out, but it’s a start to being more forward at least. He doesn’t want to tip-toeing around it, especially when he knows you have more open discussions about it with the others. You finally look up at him, at jungkook’s words falling uncontained and unfiltered “But I want to be someone you can rely on- like you rely on the others. Like I should have been in the beginning. God do you know I would get jealous?” 

That prompts a little quirk of your lips. Small and barely there, and he feels the tension in his shoulder break. Jealousy is never something that any of you really get in this giant poly relationship as impossible as that sounds. There is always so much love to go around, everyone spoils each other so that it’s easier to ask for more space than for less. There is very little room for jealousy and even less time for it. “I can’t imagine why.” 

“When I would see you with Yoongi or Namjoon, and you guys would go all quiet when I walked into the room because I knew you were talking about mental health stuff- Jesus, I just wanted to be a part of it- but I let my stupid preconceived notions get in the way of that.” Jungkook swallows. “But what I’m trying to say is that- I’m sorry for treating you so terribly, and I’m going to change so that You don’t have to walk on eggshells around me anymore- and I know you can’t forgive me but-“ 

Jungkook is knocked out of his reverie by your hands, soft and delicate, cup his cheeks, and he realizes he was looking at his feet again. Thumbs come up to brush across his cheeks affectionately. “Jungkook it’s okay- I know it’s not easy,” your lips quirk down at the side, eyes getting a little shadowed, a little distracted by whatever internal monologue it is that makes you sad, the opposite of what he wants,“I know I’m not easy-“

“No don’t-don’t excuse what I did.” Jungkook says with a shake of his head, grabbing your hands in his and holding onto them tight.  “It doesn’t have to be easy, you should never feel like you need to be perfect like you have to sacrifice yourself and your happiness to be perfect for us. If I was a good boyfriend I would have accepted you for you and not demanded you change without a reason. I want to try to be better- to understand you better- If you still want me.” 

His voice tapering off into an unsure hush. In the weeks since everything blew up in between you two, it’s been a little off-kilter. It’s not like you and Jungkook had broken up and he and the other boys were still affectionate. But you could both admit that it had sort of feeling like you’d broken up. And you realize as you look down at him, his eyes wide, the chiseled jaw that you love so much and the kind man in your arms that you know never meant to hurt you, you don’t want to stay in limbo. 

You slot yourself more fully between his legs, standing and tilting his head up to look at you his hands clenched on either of your thighs, Your nose traces his as you whisper, “bunny” chiding and delicate, Jungkook hates the nickname from anyone but you. Your breath a warm soothing wave over his skin. “I’ll always want you.” you kiss him, soft and sweet, and before Jungkook realizes it he’s crying a little breaking the kiss and burying his face again in your stomach. 

“I’m sorry,” he huffs through the tears, holding onto you tightly like you're going to leave, but you aren’t going anywhere. 

you run your fingers through his long hair, curling the ends around your fingers. “I forgive you Jungkook.”

Jimin and Taehyung watch through the crack in the door, munching on the popcorn as Seokjin walks by with his sugar glider on his shoulder. “What are you two meddlers up too.” He whispers if he listens closely he can hear you and…is that Jungkook? Talking softly. His hand hovers on Tae’s hip. 

“Just listening to the show hyung,” Taehyung says through a mouthful of popcorn. Grin boxy and happy. 

Inside you and Jungkook are too. His hand running up and down your back, face buried in your stomach, as he promises you that he will never dismiss you so terribly again, that he’ll treat you better, that he’ll treasure you every day. 

He wanted to fix it.  

Fix it so badly. 

When Jungkook opens up the door to the bathroom, on that hot day in June, he realizes that he might not get the chance.

Is this another bad dream? An intrusive thought, Jungkook stands there frozen. 

How many times had he had nightmares about this happening, how many times had he dreamt of finding you like this? how many times had the others had the same fear?

This has to be another bad dream. A piercing scream, half shout of anguish, Jungkook’s disconnected from the sound even though he knows it comes from his own mouth. 

But the image of you, lying eyes closed and prone in the bathtub, lips blue and skin ashen, the cold water blood red, your hand dangling over the side and a puddle on the tile, won’t go away no matter how many times he blinks. 

A still life. A painting, 

His knees hit the floor with a crack but he pulls himself over to you, lifting himself up on the edge of the bathtub, his breathing ragged and tearing through him, “please please don’t- be- don’t” he chants as he presses his fingers to your throat, and nearly sags to the floor when he finds a heartbeat there, beating unevenly but strong, still there, and still alive.

“Fuck Y/n!” he sobs, hauling your body up and out of the water, not caring about the blood that splatters against his bare chest or soaks into his grey track pants. “Someone! Please! Someone Call-“ but his choking sobs cut him off. He screams for his hyung’s, voice shrill, breaking. He shouts again and again and again for Namjoon, for Seokjin or anyone of his hyungs, for his loves, the people that have always helped him and loved him.  

Jungkook shakes and sobs as he pulls you up against his chest. Small and limp and unmoving. And someone must here him because all of a sudden Jungkook hears a voice on the phone with police and paramedics rattling off their address. Seokjin’s shaking hands on his cellphone, choking back something in his throat as he looks into the bathroom and can’t- can’t handle it, turns away to steady himself and talk to the operator.  

And someone is telling Jungkook to let you go- “Let go jungkook please”, Namjoon climbing over Jungkook to push him back- what’s going on- Namjoon why are you- what could they even- his back hits the wall after Namjoons shove. He looks up, Namjoon lying you out flat so that he can put his full weight on your wrists which are still gushing blood a little bit- but they seem to mostly have stopped with the added pressure.

Someone’s sobbing in the other room. Jungkook has your head in his lap tears drip onto your chest as he grits his teeth, and all Jungkook can say is your name, like a record that’s stuck on a loop. Namjoon holds your wrists down and keeps you from bleeding out- if you haven’t already. 

A few Minutes drip by, like the leaky faucet in the tub, like the blood on the bathroom floor soaking into the grout of the tile. 

The apartment is a flush with activity and everything hazy through panic, the idyllic world disturbed by all this red, and you and your limp body. The pill bottle clatters as Namjoon accidentally knocks it off of the side of the tub, though now it’s empty- Hoseok’s sleeping pills? didn’t he just fill his prescription last week? Why is the bottle empty?

Namjoon and Yoongi talk to the paramedics because Jungkook can’t, can’t see anything other than your face, your lips turned blue, the same ones he kisses whenever he gets the chance. The ones he could never kiss enough- maybe would never kiss again. The paramedics drag him back, get him out of the bathroom as they rush because there simply isn’t room. 

Namjoon and Jungkook are the ones who get to pile into the ambulance with you. Though they’re originally only going to let Namjoon in, Jungkook won't leave your side, won't have anything come through the haze- not the words of the paramedic telling him to get out before they clothes the doors- not Namjoon who insists he comes. Both of them pile into the spot in the ambulance that’s meant for one person and not two above average size young men. 

The others will follow a short time later. The ambulance door closes against Jimin’s nearly shrieking sobs as Taehyung tries to hold him up, almost unable to under the weight of all this panic- just as week with fear his teeth gritted. 

You have to be alright- have to- they can’t lose you, not like this. Not when they should just be starting building a future with you. Yoongi drives everyone to the hospital and he does not speed and risk crashing. Though he does have to wipe away his tears whenever they have a stop light. And his whole body shaking too much to hold onto the steering wheel as well as he normally would- should- if he wants to make sure his family gets to the hospital unscathed. 

Jungkook and Namjoon arrive at the hospital and watch as you are loaded into the gurney, doctors in blue-green scrubs shout statistics and numbers like a separate language that makes little sense to either Namjoon or Jungkook. A nurse tugs Namjoon along asking about your allergies and getting a clearer story of what happened. 

Hoseok’s empty pill bottle is handed over as they push your hospital bed at a breakneck pace, disappearing behind doors that clearly state “operation gallery: doctors only” in red lettering. An orderly is pulling Jungkook back behind that line. But Jungkook can’t hear him, can’t hear anything beyond the ringing in his ears. 

Eventually, he gives up and leaves Jungkook watching those doors, waiting for you to come through it, someone put a sweatshirt on him at some point and it’s half zipped over his bare chest. Jungkook looks at his bloodstained hands for a second before his eyes go back to the doors, waiting for you to hop out and say “sorry just a bad prank!” but it doesn’t come, it doesn’t happen. 

He’s dimly aware of Namjoon talking a few feet away arguing with the nurse at the front desk. His low and panicked words, his begging “please- please is there anything you can tell us- how she’s doing- anything-“

The first flash of a camera startles Jungkook. 

He turns, someone in a facemask a cell phone out, another flash as his face. And then someone else, with another more professional camera who came from who knows where takes a photo of Jungkook. They must have been waiting outside of their apartment and followed them. 

After all, they do live in a complex known for their celebrity clientele. It’s a good bet that they didn’t even know who was in the ambulance and only hoped it was someone famous. And then Namjoon is there tugging Jungkook’s hood up and over his face with shaking hands as well as his own. He turns to the nurse asking for a private room to wait in. 

The hospital is already scrambling with activity by the time the others pull up. All in varying states of distress. The sun just barely setting. Seokjin supporting Jimin while Yoongi rushes through the paparazzi trying to remain stoic but unable to conceal his puffy eyes from them without a face mask. 

By the turn of the hour the internet and the news are roiling with questions. What was Bangtan doing at a hospital? Was one of their family members hurt? Was one of them hurt, why was the youngest covered with blood? Who was the young woman who came in just before them? The internet was abuzz with activity while the others filed in, intercepted by Namjoon, the only one who's somewhat steady because he has to be right now. 

Jungkook is still standing by the door, still watching it and waiting for you to reappear. The cameras flash regardless. By the end of the night, there will be enough photos that no one will be able to deny that yes it was him and the rest of Bts there. Was the youngest hurt? Why wasn’t anyone seeing to him?  

“Jungkook come on-“ Seokjin tries to grab his arm but Jungkook flings it off of them.

“No! She has to be okay hyung, she has too-“ he breaks off, a sob silencing him. The adrenaline is fading- His chest is breaking open like a cracked egg without anything to hold it in place. legs shaking and nearly giving out. 

“Jungkook- please” 

“No I’m not leaving-“ he gets out through gritted teeth. 

“There’s nothing more we can do Jungkook, we just have to wait,” Yoongi says, voice low, blinking away tears his shoulders shaking, hands fisted in the arms of Jungkook's sweatshirt. Through the glass, the cacophony of reporters is flashing, photographing their every movement. 

Though the hospital staff has quickly moved not to let people in. and keep a barricade at the door. They can still capture the way Yoongi’s fist is clenched around the bloody sleeve of Jungkook’s sweatshirt.

Yoongi puts himself in front of Jungkook, blocking his view of the door. 

“Jungkook,” Yoongi begs, just his name, and Jungkook takes it as some sort of permission to break. His hyungs are here together, they’ll keep him afloat under the tidal wave of all of this. Sobs tumble uncontained from the cavern that is his chest, the kind of sobbing that comes from fear and desperation. His face buried in Yoongi’s shoulder, hands coming up to cover his face, to feel the shuddering breaths that manage to escape from his lungs even though Jungkook feels like he can’t breathe. 

Together Seokjin and Yoongi lead Jungkook towards the private room guiding him away from prying eyes to hide his breakdown. One of the nurses watches them with something that looks like pain- like she knows something about grief like this because she sees it every day. Yoongi feels anger flare in his chest at the look- though it’s extinguished almost instantly by the maknae’s next shaky sob. 

Inside the room, Jimin, finally calmed down enough to try and stop crying- tips his head back against the wall. He’s only partially successful as he’s breathing heavy enough to call it a panic attack and he’s not the only one- Hoseok is shaking that way too. Hands digging into his sides. None of them can seem to stop crying. 

The only one who doesn’t take a chair is Namjoon. He tries to but can’t, instead standing by the door, knee shaking in an anxious jerk, scanning the hallway for anyone, anything that might help. 

His phone in his pocket rings and the others watch as he lets it. Taehyung looking up from where he’d pressed his face into Yoongi’s shoulder. But only after the third call does he answer. “yeah uhm- Mr. Bang, it’s Y/n- she’s- she“ 

And he breaks off, covering his mouth with his hand to try to keep his sobs contained, tears finally consuming him when he has to explain what he just saw- what he just witnessed- The trauma finally hitting him.

Jimin’s breath stops coming in gasps the second Namjoon needs him, standing just in time to grab under his arms as Namjoon’s knees give out and steer him into the chair he just vacated. taking in a deep breath as namjoon shatter, half in-between his legs and half still holding him, picking the phone from namjoons hands. 

“I’m sorry.” Jimin starts, and then it's hard for him to stop talking. His voice the only one in the room, as he spills the contents to their boss- why, the how- everything. 

“I don’t understand. I don’t fucking understand this.” Hoseok sobs, pulling at his freshly dyed hair, as he makes these offal-wrenching gasps. The way that Hoseok cries- almost tearless, that makes it sound like his lungs are rattling around his rib cage. 

No one has an answer for him. Seokjin’s shaking hands fist in his pant leg next to him.  The others silently watch the door, straightening up every time a nurse or doctor passes it. 

Around the end of the first hour, The PR team starts doing real damage control. More protection is set up in the hospital, noticed by them only because of the two guards that come to stand outside their door. though their faces are recognizable only vaguely (there have been so many new guards recently).

Mr. Bang is there too. Talks to Jimin and Seokjin and manages to get a word through to Taehyung, who only answers with a shake of his head when he’s asked if he wants food. If there’s anything he can do. While the others just sob or stare blankly after he clarifies that there is no news about your condition yet. No one asks about what’s online. No one checks their phones to see the photos or the theories; half of them don’t even have their cellphones or left them in the car. 

Mr. Bang and another manager leaves to get them food, which no one touches. Jungkook stares down at his hands. Stained with your blood but drying- flaking off onto the floor. 

Seokjin kneels down in front of him, a wet wipe in his hands, stretching out carefully to clean them off, finger by finger, slowly and gently. Taking care of Jungkook like he has since he was fifteen.

Jungkook doesn’t mention the fact that Seokjin is sobbing himself. But when the elder finishes, Jungkook doesn’t hesitate to pull him close. Needing something to hold onto, and it’s the saddest Seokjin has ever felt with someone’s arms around him. 

It’s almost midnight by the time someone comes by to tell them anything at all. the doctor is still wearing her scrubs, the sleeve of her shirt blotted with blood. The boys, still life at one moment and then a flurry with movement when she appears at the door- asking about you, swarming her, asking If you were okay, how you were doing. If there was anything they could do. 

taehyung stays in the back, breath held, as he waits for the words he dreads. Doesn’t let himself feel anything until he knows. Knows for sure. He waits to hear the words come from the female surgeon's mouth. I’m sorry, but there wasn’t anything we could do she was too far gone.

The doctor inhales. 

“We managed to seal the lacerations on her arms after a few hours of surgery, she had to get her stomach pumped due to the medication she took. She’s very lucky that you found her when you did, she would have overdosed and gone into multiple organ failure if she had gotten here 5 minutes later-” They fall silent, waiting for the shoe to drop. And then in the back again, Taehyung letting out a jagged sob in relife, holding onto the windowsill for support. 

“-We need to monitor her overnight to make sure there isn’t any damage to her organs and probably for the next few days, she might not wake up right away either.” 

“So she’s- she’s okay? She’s not going to die.” Taehyung almost doesn’t want to know the answer. 

“For now yes, the chances are slim.” The nurse purses her lips, almost about to ask another question. Before Hoseok pipes up, voice raspy and quiet. 

“Can we see her?”  

Namjoon didn’t know what the hardest part was going to be, he’d thought the hardest part was going to be when he’d held your wrists in the bathroom to stop you from bleeding out, but this- somehow this was worse. 

Your body underneath the sterile white blanket, your hair tangled in places, your purple lips, tube going into your nose, your hands above the blanket, everything from your hands to your elbows wrapped in thick white gauze, the heart monitor beeping steadily but slowly. Calmly even. 

The nurses realized quickly that none of them were going to obey the “only 3 people at a time” rule. The manager talked to the head orderly and gave them special privileges, these continued when visiting hours ended. They knew it might be a little while before you woke up after anesthesia. The doctor had come by to talk again, about how personal drive had a lot to do with it. 

Namjoon knew what they meant- they meant that if you didn’t want to wake up you might not, but didn’t say it outloud for fear of what it would do to the others. A look in Yoongi and Seokjin direction lets him know that he’s not the only one who understands what this might mean. But the maknae’s are still so hopeful. Looking at you like they haven’t given up yet. 

Hoseok is still- still half not there. He moved from the waiting room to your room like a ghost, where he chooses a chair and just stares into empty space. The rasping sobs have subsided and now-now he just sits and watches. Shrugging off any hand that might touch him with the intent of wanting comfort or giving it. 

Hoseok grits his teeth in anguish, able to keep the sobs in his throat, his eyebrows knit together as he tries to keep himself from breaking down.  his breaths coming out short and labored. as he locks the part of himself away that’s panicking. His eyes sting, and he knows his face is looking pinched and severe. “you always look so angry when you cry.” You’d teased him before, after their last award show when they’d come home and Hoseok and Taehyung had been admittedly a wreck. 

Hoseok can’t forget the conversation he had with you almost a month ago. He should have asked again- he should have told someone. Blame sits on his shoulders, heavy. 

The night had started with a win from an award show, and ended with Hoseok falling giggly into bed next to you. He doesn’t often reach the right amount of drunk vs sleepy, but tonight- everyone had let loose more than usual, high off the win and rush of getting an award and beating another record. Even though he usually doesn’t like alcohol, it sings like a special kind of caffeine in his veins tonight and he almost dosent want it to end. 

You are equally as trashed, and equally as soft looking in his bed. You’d been waiting at home after the award show. Food and glasses of champagne ready and waiting for them. Ready to celebrate and dance around your living room. 

Hoseok doesn’t know how he got so lucky in his life, the liquid gold threading it’s way through his heart like some kind of magic, he smiles at you and leans over to press his lips to yours. You can taste the happiness in it and the delightful cinnamon and spice taste that is Hoseok. 

“Hey,” he whispers, trying to be serious for about a quarter of a second before he fails, falling into giggles again, hiding his face in your shoulder hand fisted in the sleeve of your shirt. Suddenly dizzy with all the excitement. He keeps his tone joking “Want to have angsty conversations until two in the morning and drink wine?”

“That’s what me and Yoongi do!” you cry, for some reason indignant, kicking your socks off. 

“Yeah but I can be that way too! We could even, like- invite him!”  

You snort “like he’d ever get out from under Namjoon right now- not even for all the wine in the world” as if on queue, a high-pitched breathy moan and a muted ‘yes Joon right there’ is heard echoing from across the hall. Someone- jin from the sound of it- bangs on a wall crying something like “stop being nasty!” 

“A min Yoongi venting sesh without min Yoongi” both of you giggle at the thought. unlike other nights, when you might be interested in more of a supine eventing, tonight you just strip off your clothes to the barest forms without being truly naked, falling asleep in Hoseok's favorite way, your skin pressed against his. 

He’s drunk enough that he doesn't stop to wonder about what tracery the darkness hides on your skin instead settling into your arms like a ship would at port. Your hand running up and over his lithe shoulders tempting groans of pleasure from his throat. Hoseok has always always loved being touched, and being touched by you makes him feel like his very soul is shivering. Falling easily asleep in each others arms, the alcohol sending you into a spiral towards sleep.  

When you wake up, your head is pounding, and Hoseok is warm next to you, his fingers stroking through your hair, a look at him confirms that he’s awake and watching you. You know the wetness in his eyes as he looks down at you. You wonder if his head feels as bad as yours. 

“What’s wrong baby,” you say, reaching up to wipe the tears off his cheeks. 

“Bad dream,” he says. His eyes searching your body, his hands holding on a little too tightly. Hoseok doesn’t dream often, but whatever he must have dreamed about is clearly weighing on him. 

“Want to have that venting sesh now?” you pry gently, pulling yourself up so that you’re at his level and not snuggled in near his chest. His breath brushed over your cheeks when he breathes out. And in this lighting of very early morning, all of the red is diluted in Hoseok’s hair, making it look almost grey. 

You wonder what he’ll look like when it turns grey with age, you wonder even more if you’ll get to see it. In the dark, Hoseok looks like he’s wondering the same thing. He shakes his head, and your hands tighten on the back of his neck. “I don’t know if you want me to Y/n.” 

You stuck in a bated breath “what did you dream about Hobi?” 

He didn’t want to ask, maybe he didn’t want to know. All of the last weeks have been burning that question through him and he knows- all of them know what you said to Yoongi in the bathroom a few weeks ago when he caught you. Hoseok hears the words as good as if he was there himself - ‘I’m not going to kill myself’- But Yoongi- Yoongi wasn’t asking the right questions. “it’s just-“ he breaks off, swallowing a thick breath. “Do you ever think about dying? Do you want to die?”

You smile at him- or try too at least, the answer you give him isn’t what he wants not by a long shot. “I don’t want to make you sad Hobi,” your smile, your smile isn’t sad, regardless of what your words hint at, or the horror that wells up in Hoseok’s throat at how hopeless you look. 

Hoseok doesn’t want that.  You shouldn’t be resigned to this, this sadness that’s consuming you. You should be trying to fight at it. You try to give him a tired smile, a little stronger than before. Tugging him to turn onto his side so that you can put your arms around him. Hoseok doesn’t know what to say, what to do for that matter, his head pounds with the after-effects of the alcohol. “Let's just go back to bed okay?” 

Hoseok curls up against your throat and listens, hearing your heartbeat, and is lulled into a thankfully dreamless sleep, not realizing that later- he would wish he wouldn’t have, he would wish he had stayed up and asked you what you meant by that. If you really wanted to.  

“Do I ever make it better? Do any of us?” he murmurs, nearly asleep.

“Of course you do.”

If they had thought finding you in that bathroom was bad- it was nothing to compare to the pain of you waking up. 

Sometime in the early morning, muted grey yellow light filtering through the cracks in the blinds, some of the boys had collapsed into the so-called “parent cots” that the hospital staff had been nice enough to bring around.

The two smallest curl up swathed in Seokjin’s arms, with Jungkook and Namjoon in the other cot. Jungkook shaking through a nightmare in Namjoon’s arms at one point in the night, though by that time everyone is losing track of time. 

While every beat of the heart monitor had everyone feels a little better- because At least you were alive. 

Taehyung is propped up against the wall, coming to sit by you when he gives up on sleeping. After the first few hours of emotionally exhausted listlessness, Jimin couldn’t sleep either. Shifting out of Seokjin’s arms going to join Taehyung in the slightly larger seat probably not meant for two people. Hoseok is in a haze, half asleep and half awake, and never totally present.

From their side of your bed, Taehyung and Jimin watch and wait for him to fall apart. 

Hoseok has been awake the whole night, the only one who at one point hadn’t fallen asleep or at least tried. Hoseok looks like he might fall over, the bags under his eyes and the coldness in the room making his shoulders shiver uncomfortably, he watches you and he waits.

At one point in the night, Taehyung leans forward, taking his hand in yours, your hands are cold, but maybe a tiny bit warm on the palm, Taehyung warms it with both of his, careful not to jostle your bandages as he kisses your fingers. If he had any more tears left he would cry. 

“I promise, one day- we’re going to take a trip together, leave this whole city and everything that bothers you behind, and it will be just the 8 of us, maybe you and I could take day trips on our own, and I’ll make your life so happy and full that you’ll forget this ever happened, that you’ll forget you ever where sad.” Taehyung looks up when he senses Hoseok’s heavy eyes on him, his lower lip shaking. But he says nothing.  

Hoseok does reach forward and take your other hand in his. Thumb rubbing along the back of your hand slowly and gently. Eventually, Tae pulls back, leaning into Jimin’s shoulder, and drifts a little, not truly asleep and not truly awake. leaving Hoseok and Jimin to stand vigil. 

Jimin watches Hoseok almost as much as he watches you, he watches so hard he almost doesn’t realize when your eyes are fluttering open, he’s imagined it so many times over the last few hours he’s half-convinced it's not real. There is stillness for half a moment. The heartbeat monitor beeping unconvincingly in the corner.  

Your eyes are hazy and unfocused; Hoseok lets out a choked noise in relief, maybe your name, hand tightening over yours. “Y/n! Thank you- oh fuck thank god, thank you for not fucking dying- holy shit-“ Hoseok sobs, holding your hand so tight as he collapses forward onto the bed, knees sliding to the floor as he breaks uncontrollably. 

You blink through the cloudiness in your eyes as those sleeping stir awake. Seokjin blinks sleepily, unintentionally shifting Yoongi in his arms. On the other side, Namjoon stirs as Jungkook bolts awake. Jimin has never moved quicker in his life moving to your bedside. Taehyung jerks awake without Jimin's shoulder to lean on almost falling out of the chair. 

Hoseok is right- thank god for waking up. A god that Jimin has never believed in but might now just for this. He wants to collapse in exhaustion as all the fear leaves him and relife takes its place, he feels like he might just with how his legs feel like jelly. 

“What,” you say, voice small and rough, but it’s the most beautiful word Yoongi has ever heard in his life, more beautiful than any melody or rhythm. Eyes darting around the room taking in them: your family sprawled out in the grey hospital room. 

The heartbeat monitor kicks up beating faster, uneven. Your breath comes out worse. Suddenly taking everything in and understanding what it means. blood rushing through your head.

fuck- fuck you didn’t- you didn’t succeed when all you wanted to was- and now- and now they’re here and you’re- The white bandages on your arms are cumbersome, don't allow your arms to bend at all when Jimin and Hoseok take your hands in theirs. 

And Jimin’s expression is absolutely painful- painfully happy. 

It doesn’t make sense, not when the blackness in your lungs is sticky and suffocating- your treacherous heart hurts in your chest pumping despite everything. The dysphoria at living feels- it feels god awful. Worse than the pain that laces up your arms like gauntlets, worse than the swirling nausea lurking in your empty stomach.

Hoseok smiles at you through happy thankful tears. Jimin too- Looks so happy that you’re alive. It doesn’t make sense at all why he would be happy- not to your brain with everything- everything harsh and biting to your very being- god your head hurts. You’re dimly aware of Namjoon letting out a half laugh half sob in relief. Jungkook standing, his long hair half ruffled, his bunny eyes wide and tear-filled, looking so stunned, a smile slowly painting his face. 

It doesn't feel real, nothing does. The only thing you’re really aware of is the thunder in your ears of your own heartbeat, you can’t take it all in fast enough, everything- nothing you see makes its way through the fog in your mind and yet you’re overwhelmed with stimulus. 

The thunder of the heart monitor, Jimin’s and Hoseok’s hands holding yours, skin on skin warm but you feel so cold. Yoongi sitting up looking sleep ruffled but his eyes screwed closed with tears, back bending with the weight of it all as he holds his head with his elbows on his knees. Namjoon smiling at you tearfully with his dimples that you love so much on display, looking thankful. The sluggish pull of painkillers in your veins makes everything startling off-kilter like a ride at an amusement park. Taehyung crumpling into Jungkook’s side, falling to pieces in his arms. It’s all so much- too much. 

You give a shaky breath, pulling your hand out of Jimin’s and Hoseok’s hands, Jimin tries to hold on- but it’s almost violent how quickly you retract your hand from his, pulling at the iv drip there too so that it dangles out of the back of your hand. Pulling both of them to your chest, placing them there like you're guarding yourself against them. The heart rate monitor kicks up to the point that a warning tone sounds. A nurse opens the door as Yoongi stands. Not sure what to say- even less sure what to do. 

“Please- please why are you- why.” 

What are you begging for, what do you need? Just tell me how to make you better love, just let me help heal you. Tell me why you did it- why did you do it- why why why. There isn’t enough air in the room for your lungs to breathe easily. you can’t handle this- all of their eyes on you. Black spots start to dance in your vision  

The nurse strong-arms her way next to you in the bed, shining a flashlight into your dilated eyes “Miss do you know where you are? Are you in any pain?” Your breath still comes too fast-to-fast. 

“Please- why- what’s going on- why am I-“ your words are strangled by your breath, the panic all-consuming. The nurse hits the blue button; Seokjin utters your name- still blinking away the sleep in his eyes. Everything harsh and slanting and doesn’t feel real. 

“Miss you need to breathe, you need to calm down, you’re in the hospital.” 

There is another nurse at the door now, their hand on Yoongi’s side. Taehyung’s and Jungkook’s too. The room is full of people at this point. “You need to give her some space.” 

“No” Tae growls out, watching as you push away an oxygen mask, panic picking up again from the way you’re pushing everything away not just them. How afraid you look of everything, especially the hands that only want to help. 

The beeping from the heart rate monitor reaching a fevers pitch. The surgeon from before shoves her way past the guard at the door. Followed by another orderly who quickly tries to lay hands on Jungkook, who throws them off. 

“Someone gets them out of here- and pump 3 cc’s of Midazolam, she will tear her stitches if she keeps moving around- someone gets these boys out of here!” 

“Fuck off we're not leaving.” Jimin spits. The surgeons head whips up to look at him, her eyes narrowing at him, and Jimin has the good sense to look absolutely terrified. They all do.

“I do not care who you boys are. if you put the health of my patient at risk more than you already have I will ban you from her room and this hospital.” You still fight against their arms, even as the nurse shoots something into your resecured iv, another nurse holding your arm down to make sure you don’t try to tear it away. 

“Let me go. Let me go- please-please” you plead; the orderlies have to grip Jungkook around the waist before the door to your room closes behind them. sealing all the panic inside. 

Hoseok runs his fingers through his hair sagging against the wall, pulling at it harshly- and doesn’t know if he wants to punch a wall or be punched himself. 

“Okay- this is- that was. This whole thing is so fucked up.” 

He’s not wrong.

Food is unanimously decided on, a separate office room that one of the nurses leads them too. Namjoon doesn’t know what kind of strings Mr. Bang must have pulled to get them special treatment, but he makes a mental note to thank his boss later. 

For once, they’re all lost for words as they eat. Though Jimin doesn’t touch the food in front of him. And for once, no one forces him. This might have to do with the fact that he’d thrown up when they’d walked into the room. Yoongi and Seokjin both only nurse a coffee not feeling up to solid food just yet.

It’s around an hour before the same surgeon finds her way back into their room. “She’s okay.” She opens with, glaring at them like a hawk, Taking in the visible sigh of relief from all of them. 

“Why was she-” Seokjin swallows against the lump in his throat, “why did she push us away? why was she so-” he breaks off. Looking up at the doctor imploringly for answers to soothe the ache in his chest. 

“She was in distress, with all the painkillers and medication lingering in her system it’s likely she didn’t even know what she was doing.” everyone in the room sags in that. The doctor crosses her arms, giving everyone a warning glare. “If you put her in distress like that again I will have you banned from this hospital until she becomes more stable,” 

For the first time, everyone pays attention to what she’s saying. “You are not to touch her wrists or her stomach. We’re running tests right now to make sure she’s not in any immediate risk for acute organ failure, we’ve given her a sedative to keep her from potentially hurting herself or panicking the way you all made her but I swear if.-” 

“Is she awake? Is she still talking? Is she-“ Namjoon starts the same moment Yoongi says “let us see her.”

The surgeon snorts, rolling her eyes at the rapper. And Yoongi finds himself wishing that he were just a little bit taller so that he could stare down at her and intimidate her the way he’s trying too. Not that it looks like it’s doing anything other than piss her off. 

It was worth a shot anyway, and next to him, Taehyung is crossing his arms, looking at her with that unsettling blank look that seems to be doing enough. “If it were up to me you all would have been thrown out already.” Her hand hovers on the door, eyes going softer after a second “But she’s been asking for you- so follow me.”

You’re sitting up in the bed when they walk in. The yellow hospital gown clings to your shoulders- far too big. Hands lying on top of the covers your arms are bound in fresh white bandages From wrist to elbow. 

Someone’s opened the blinds of the window. And the morning light spills across your face. Looking much calmer and put together than when you woke up it’s almost startling. You try to smile at them, and say a muted ‘hey guys’, but it comes out so strangled it’s almost not a word. 

The bags under your eyes are almost purple. In the hospital bed- you look worn. The very soul of you looking like someone had washed a rag too many times and still hung it out in the sun to dry, leaving it crumbling and crusty and oh so delicate. You look a little sleepy too- must be the drugs, hell Seokjin could actually go for a sedative right now too. 

One of the beds has been removed. Seokjin, Yoongi, and Jungkook sit on the other. Jimin looks so unsteady on his feet that Namjoon immediately yanks him into the chair. Hoseok takes a seat at the end of your bed. Tae stands.

“I’m-I’m so sorry guys.” You say, a little tear coming out of your eyes as Jimin thoughtlessly takes one of your hands, realizing what he’s done the second he did and how you reacted before. But thankfully You don’t pull away this time. And he sees wetness sparking in your eyes. “I didn’t mean- I never wanted you all to-“ you look from boy to boy hunting for absolution, for forgiveness for something that none of them know how to give. 

“Are you sorry you tried? Or because you didn’t succeed? or was that even your intention? did you just go too deep?” Taehyung asks, not bothering to wipe away the tears that haven’t stopped falling since he saw you sitting alive in the hospital bed, calmer than before. There is nothing accusatory in his tone, he just wants to know. 

You don’t answer. Jimin takes the silence as his own, clamping down on the nausea.  

“You know I thought there’d be a sign if you were really going to do it?” he says, and you turn from Tae to focus on Jimin. Your fingers holding onto his hand weekly. And like before, once he starts talking he just can't stop, the words tumbling from his lips like a confession. 

“I thought that maybe we’d be able to anticipate it and be enough of a support system to catch you before this point. I even- fuck- you don’t know this but I even checked your phone? Even though I knew it was a breach of privacy? I thought ‘she’s definitely the type to leave a note and she’d probably draft it before she sent it out or something’ so I’ll be able to know before she does it. I’ll be able to stop her.” 

Jimin is trying so hard not to break down, you can see it in every twitch of a muscle that he makes, every single deliberate word. His collarbones look incredibly sharp under the collar of his t-shirt. And his other hand bites into his shoulder, holding on tightly while the one in your hand grips gently. As gently as you would touch something soft and newborn. Jimin’s lips are red bitten, his eyes puffy but clear. “But you know what the last words you said to me where?” you shake your head, trying not to cry yourself. 

“You said ‘see you in a little bit’ yesterday morning before we left for practice. like it was just going to be any other day- and after we found you all I could think about what that. That I’d see you when” his voice cracks, but he presses on the ache in his lungs, needing to get the words out. “That I’d only see you when we both died, and maybe that was what you meant. Maybe I’d have to wait my whole life before I saw you again in whatever what comes next.” Jimin is sobbing now, openly, doing nothing to stop the halting trail that they carve down his cheeks. Over cheeks and over lips that you’d kissed a thousand times. 

And almost never got to kiss again.  

“But I don’t want to see you then- I want to be with you every single morning, every single time I wake up I want to see your face, from this day on until the day I die I want to be able to see you every single fucking day.”

He’s crying too hard to let the words get through towards the end. You reach up, your hand stopping when it tugs on the iv but Jimin is already falling into you taking your reaching as permission,  already burying his face in your shoulder as much as he dares, worried like that you would disappear with too much force. And you cry, the weight settling on you like blame- because you’ve hurt this man, this lover of yours who wanted nothing more than the tenderest of lives for you. 

A life that you have never wanted. And you wish you did, you wish you had. If not for anything else than to avoid this mess that you’ve made, the pain you’ve caused in the people you love so much.  

You’ve hurt him so much by tearing yourself apart that now he is falling in shambles. You wish you could move your hand to run them through his bleach fried yet greasy hair, you wish that you had any soothing words for him- but you don’t. 

You’d tried to kill yourself, nothing more than that and nothing less.

You’d tried and failed and you were still here, and now you had to deal with the consequences. Jimin won’t move, won't stop running his hands over your throat to feel the pulse there, nose pressed to your neck to hide his tears. to reassure himself that you’re alive, that he still has time with you. 

On the cot pulled next to you, Yoongi sits, his hands shaking around a coffee that he doesn’t sip it. He’s the next to speak, the next one who has enough courage, “you know what I thought when I came into the bathroom and found Namjoon and Jungkook there with you?” Yoongi’s voice shakes, his hands in fists at his sides, he looks so so small there, his teeth gritted against the emotional pain in his throat. “I thought fuck- how are they going to survive this, how are they going to put up with losing both of us.” 

Jungkook lurches to his side, “Yoongi no-“ he says, as the others look on horrified, Yoongi bites his lip and brushes the tears out of his cheeks angrily as Seokjin fists a hand in the back of his jacket. “I know I wouldn’t have done it- I know it was just a passing thought, but also- fuck, I would have been a ghost had you not come back to us- a part of me would have died if you had, and I don’t want you to think that I’m holding onto you just to hold onto myself- but fuck, fuck I need you. I need you every day. Every moment like Jimin said every day that doesn’t have all of us in it is hell for me.” 

Taehyung pipes in, teeth gritted against his tears, “I want you to be here, and I want to you want to be here- I want you to get better. I don’t know what would be good for you.” Taehyung’s lower lip trembles as he tries not to cry, in taking several shallow breaths, “we’re not enough to properly take care of, and I know that now” Taehyung sees how your crying anew and rushes over his own words. 

You don’t want to admit it- none of them do, but the fact of the situation is that no one would be here if they were enough to keep you alive. “I know, I know you try really hard, and I know that all of us do too, but-but we couldn’t stop you, we couldn’t help you in the right way, and I know you need a better safety net than us. Do you think-” 

Taehyung pauses, closing his eyes for a moment- he knows he won't be able to go back from his next words, his next suggestion, once he says them you’ll act regardless of what he wants, but it might be what you need to keep this from happening again. 

 “Do you think that it might be better if you went to a recovery center? Or a mental hospital for a little while? Just to make sure you’re okay and safe?”  Seokjin and Jimin stiffen, but no one protests, no one tells you that you shouldn’t- even if they don’t want you too, they all know it might be best if you do go. 

“I don’t know-I don’t think that i-” you shudder and shiver, eyes darting from each of them, waiting to see if any of them are going to jump up and say that they don’t want you to be admitted to a hospital. Don’t want you to go somewhere that they can’t follow. 

Seokjin grabs your hand from where he sits folded over your right side, winding his knobby hands with yours, “you don’t have to decide now” the words you’d needed to here, a tense breath released from all of them.

“You can think it over and we can try to figure something out that works.”

The next few hours are marginally less sucky. You meet with doctors, they check your stitches and run a few more tests. There is a tenser meeting with the police. But everything goes smoothly- probably because of a stack of cash slid to them by one of the managers to keep it quiet. Always focused on containing scandals. 

By the end of the day, some of the boys need to go home and at least shower and change clothes if not get some sleep. Though Jungkook straight up refuses too until Namjoon gives him a look. Yoongi and Tae go to retrieve dinner from somewhere better than the cafeteria to get food. 

The others will be back soon, Seokjin stays with you, the others promising to bring back a change of clothes- he’ll just shower in the small bathroom attached to your room. He leans up against the door, the tv droning in the corner on some drama. Watching your face silhouetted against the yellow light. indulging in the image of you for a moment. 

You’re quiet just watching the tv going in and out of sleep. They’re going to try and wean you off the painkillers in an hour or so, and the doctor had warned you to try and get some sleep while you can. After a moment, you notice Seokjin by the door, giving him a small tired smile. 

Seokjin struggles to find something to say, but doesn’t, putting his hands in his pockets. You scoot over a little, patting the bed next to you. “Want to sit and wait for food with me?” neither of you mention that you probably won't be able to eat any of it. You’re on a liquid diet until they get your second-day labs back. But one of the nurses did promise you a very tasty strawberry and watermelon shake, so there’s that to look forward too. 

Seokjin nods and carefully gets into bed next to you, on top of the covers while you’re underneath, careful to leave some distance between the two of you in case you want it. His heart fluttering when you don’t instead turning onto your side and reaching to set your arm over his chest gently. Seokjin shifts, letting you tuck your shoulder under his arm. 

The television changes to a news briefing. a car pileup, and then before Seokjin can change it, “No news yet on the most recent celebrity news. What were the members of Bangtan Sonyeodan doing at Asan Medical Center and why aren’t the police saying anything- more on what we know during our celebrity bulletin at 8.” 

“I really made a mess of things for you guys didn’t I.”

“Don’t worry about it please” Seokjin begs, running his hand down your arm and kissing the top of your head. Reaching for a moment, for the clicker to shut the television off before they play anything else. 

“But you-” 

“I’m serious Y/n” Seokjin cuts you off, looking down at you, a bone-deep exhaustion in him as he reaches a hand to brush at your cheeks, hooking a hand under your jaw to turn your face up so he can see you better. 

“The managers have dealt with it, and we’ll see if any of the doctors breach doctor-patient confidentiality- and none of us care, we’re all just relieved that you’re still alright now.” the thudding truth of that last statement makes Jin feel like he’s gonna cry again, but he doesn't want to- he’s tired of crying. 

“You should get some sleep before the others get back.” You nod, seeming to accept his words for now at least before you snuggle further into his side. you’ve lost a little bit of your ashen tint to your body, but you’re still a little bit cold, a little weak from the blood loss (though they did have to give you infusions during surgery. Seokjin rubs a hand up and down your back rapidly to warm you up. 

“Can you...” you start for a second, cutting off, looking shy. cheek against his chest. 

“Yes, sweetheart?” Seokjin asks murmuring the words into the top of your head (even if your hair is a little greasy)

“Can you sing for me?” you ask quietly. 

“Of course,” Seokjin smiles, you’ve asked him to do that before, in the kitchen in your house, before you go to sleep, you love the sound of his voice, of all of theirs really. “Any requests?” 

“Whatever makes you happiest.” Seokjin swallows, turning it over in his head for a moment before he decides on it. He starts up, the words falling from his lips the way they’ve done 1,000 times. 

“Will you stay by my side will you promise me~” he continues the rest of the verse of butterfly until he gets to the rap part. Slipping into Yoongi’s lines with a slightly more joking tone, changing the words to puns as he sees fit. “butter cake~ butter cake~”

 Even after all these years- Seokjin still can’t rap. But he does his best switching around the lyrics and making them goofier while keeping the rhyme, swaying side to side with you in his arms as much as he can in the hospital bed. The giggle you let out is soft and rippling, coming from your belly. Making the first real smile he’s had today appear on Seokjin's face, his hands holding onto you a little tighter as he breaks off “You’re going to make me lose tempo ~” he whines. 

Outside the door, Yoongi and Taehyung pause, listening to the sound of your and Seokjin's laughter. Looking at each other, the bags of food in their hands, just soaking in the sound for a second, even as it fades. You start singing too. your voice gentler and quieter, sleep-roughened, joining in with Seokjin's. 

Taehyungs hand squeezes his roughly, the younger taking in a shaky breath.  And for the first time since they got home and found you, Yoongi lets himself believe for a moment that everything is going to be okay. 

4 WEEKS LATER 

“So,” Mr. Bang says as he makes his way around the edge of the table, it’s only him, their manager Sejin, and boys in the conference room today, this decision is purely between the head of the company and them really. “We’re here to discuss which one of you should go public with Y/n as your significant other.” 

The room erupts with the conversation, Jimin and Seokjin actually sit up, everyone simultaneously volunteering themselves for the position. It wasn’t really a position, they knew that whoever went public with Y/n would undergo severe scrutiny and probably a hit to their popularity; it would incur the wrath of the fans, several trending hashtags of twitter. And make everything much more difficult for them in general. 

They didn’t care at all of course, how many times had they each wanted to take you to a party or an award show with the company’s blessing- or have you sit in on an episode of run BTS or star in a Vlive. Being your official boyfriend in the company’s eyes was just permission in general to do just that. 

The only reason why none of them were jumping out of their skin in anxiety about having you not in the room with them was that you were currently exactly 3 floors below them, in the practice room- Soobin had invited you to watch their practice for their upcoming first concert. 

None of them knew their juniors all that well yet. But they knew there would be enough staff around to keep an eye on you. No one had come out and told any of them what had happened, or even knew the nature of your relationship with the boys. But all of them knew that you were somehow special to them, though only the managers knew anything more to speculate about your relationship- Mr. Bang and Sejin where the only who knew the full story. 

You hung around so often that you knew all of the staff by name, had brought doughnuts to the break room often enough and volunteered to help many times, enough that the staff liked you. In the first week after the hospital stay, one of the makeup noonas had even asked Jimin where you where, tensely asking, “is she- still in the hospital?”

Jimin had been able to choke out “She came home last night.” while he barely managed not to burst into tears. Taehyung had stepped in, stepping in with a hand on Jimin's shoulder, and comforting words in his ear, gripping his hand hard. 

“it’s okay Jimin, she’s fine at home, Namjoon is with her now- we don’t have anything to worry about.” 

So at the moment, they had nothing to worry about. And as much as they all hated to admit it, it wasn’t because they trusted you- no- it was because The staff was under explicit instructions from Namjoon at this moment not to let you leave the company building without texting Namjoon first. 

Your hospital stay had been all over the news for weeks even if no one had ever figured out your identity. A small miracle in its self. Some talk shows were still speculating about it- and hopefully, this business with them coming out with you as their official S/o would put the matter to rest. 

You understood why it was necessary, even if it meant lying about what had really happened. Saying that you had fallen into a glass table, would be your official story, the youngest member finding you first which was why Jungkook had been so dazed, why there were more than 400 photos floating around on the internet of him half shirtless and bloody. 

An accident- even if it was anything but. 

This particular discussion had come out of a few tense weeks- following your…attempt. When the boys had decided that hiding you were doing more harm than good. They’d initially intended to draw straws for it- pure luck was the only way to do it fairly. And they’d alerted the company more as a courtesy than anything else. 

The company hadn’t like that one bit. None of the management, Accept for Mr. Bang, who had sat back on his thighs, given them a tired smile and said, “you really love to give me a headache don’t you?” 

So now they did it the company’s way, with statistical evidence to who it would affect the least, who was most likely to not cause too many waves. It was an ineffectual and unemotional approach to it, and all of them hated it. To Taehyung especially- it seemed like the statistical information in front of them discounted on fact. 

The facts being that they where all in this relationship together, every party an equal piece of the love that you shared, even if the nature of that love and the way it was felt and received was different for each member. 

Everyone needed different things and from each other- they got it. Tae needed companionship more than anything, someone to be there- but not necessarily to speak, simple enjoyment of each others company which was why sometimes he was content to sit back and let the others be loud for him. 

It was different than the way that the others showed and receive love the same way Jimin needed physical affection like it was air, and Yoongi- Yoongi only really needed it on the bad days like Tae. Whereas Namjoon- wasn’t exactly the most affectionate of the bunch but was always okay with receiving even if he wasn’t initiating it- different then the way that Seokjin sometimes needed his space and needed that to be physical- Seokjin who got just as much satisfaction from caring for others as he got from being cared for. Which was why he and Jungkook had a symbiotic relationship, Jungkook needed to feel snuggled down and smothered with love to feel secure. 

And you, the way that you needed understanding and care without enabling your worst habits. Care and gentleness without accommodation. That in itself a challenge that they were slowly conquering together, though your therapist was helping them in no small way. 

They were all a puzzle piece fitting perfectly with the ones around them. And this- this arguing and analysis of them- it felt like management was trying to shave down a piece to fit better when in reality- they already all fit perfectly together. 

So the others might shout and ask questions- but Taehyung just sat back, and waited. 

“Before you try to speak your case, you should know that both of you have been eliminated from consideration.” Yoongi has to grip Jimin’s hands to stop him from sitting up, he can feel the rage underneath the younger skin as Jimin’s whole body tightens. 

“Would you at least tell us why?” Seokjin asks scalding, never one to take the company’s wishes into account. 

“It’s simple,” Sejin says, shuffling the papers on the conference table in front of him. “You’re the most popular domestically, and Jimin is the most popular abroad by a number of twitter engagements- statistically the group would take too much of a hit if either of you was viewed negatively.” 

The members don’t comment on this, rolling their eyes if anything.  They’d long since stopped being jealous over each other being more or less popular that each other- since just after their debut. Seokjin slumps back in his chair rubbing his lower lip with his finger. And surprisingly, doesn’t protest. 

He’s thinking of all of us, Yoongi realizes with a start- his heartstrings pulling, Seokjin might have tried time and time again to piss off the company as much as possible with his hair dying, hair cutting and liberal style opinions. But this time- he’s not just accountable for himself.  

“Because of this Hoseok is also out.” 

“What the actual F-“

On the other side of the table, Seokjin forcefully pulls the redhead down. Taehyung looks like he might laugh if it wouldn’t make him sick. 

“We also believe that the fans will think it’s strange if the youngest member is in a relationship before his hyung’s” Jungkook’s jaw tightens but he waves his hands for Mr. Bang to continue. 

“Which leaves us with Namjoon, Yoongi, and Taehyung as possibilities.” The three are rim rod silent. Taehyung looks tired, blinkingly lazily, Namjoon’s tapping the table agitatedly. Mr. Bang turns to Namjoon first, leaving no room for preamble. “We’ve come to the conclusion that Namjoon would be the best pick, we believe that next to him, Y/n will leave a favorable impression. Namjoon is best equipped to deal with all of the stress as the leader.” 

“But won't this also add to this stress?” Taehyung asks, leaning forward, his eyes dart to Namjoon’s “I’m not trying to advocate for myself it’s just-“ Taehyung makes eye contact with Namjoon. “this is going to be…a lot” 

Besides Namjoon, Yoongi nods, “it is- but it’s going to be worth it.”  

“Are there any objections?” Mr. Bang asks.

Inside the practice room, you watch the members of txt perfect the ending of one of their songs- Soobin is the only one who you really have any interaction with, as he’s not that much younger than you or Jungkook. But you’re slowly starting to get to know the other members better, even if the age difference is a little more insurmountable. 

They’d offered you an in on this practice more as a courteously to their hyung’s than anything else. Here at the company- no one knew exactly how to place you. Most of them taking bets on who were you dating this week, which was a subject of constant debate at the beginning after a makeup unnie had walked in on you kissing Namjoon and Yoongi in the same week (in the same closet no less). The unnie had even tried to tell Namjoon after a little while- not that it hadn’t already made it around the rumor mill. 

“Wouldn’t it be a shame if they broke up? But she distracts all the boys when she comes around and they do have an even busier schedule coming up.” Imagine her surprise when her confession, what she had seen was greeted with an understanding laugh from Namjoon and a flushed face by Yoongi. “So that’s where you went off too when you were supposed to be working on your mixtape- you asshole! I waited for 30 minutes for you!” 

Now, most of the staff knew you by name- and knew not to ask what kind of weird relationship you had with the boys, not that they’d ever believed the truth of the matter. You were all good at hiding it and dodging any questions. But they did notice the marked shift since the hospital stay. 

Everyone could put two and two together. Especially given how the boys were with you now compared to before.

They’ve been treating you so gently the last few weeks, so tenderly, even in front of the staff. Yoongi had brushed a hand across your cheek when they left for the meeting, and Jimin hadn’t seemed to want to let go of your hand. If any of the staff was watching the 8 of you, when you’d looked up- you hadn’t noticed. The assistant that usually babysat you when you were without one of your boyfriends (not without good reason- you’d gotten lost on more than one occasion wandering around the company before) gesturing you towards the leather couch in the corner where you could sit and watch the practice without fear of disturbing them.

You have another week until you can get the stitches out of your arms but the scars will stay for a while- if not for good. Your light blue sweatshirt is tight at the wrist; there isn’t a risk of your sleeve slipping up and any of them seeing. Before the Txt members can finish their current song the door to the training room opens. And a mask-clad Jungkook pokes his head in. You shoot up and gather your stuff.

You cast a quick glance around making sure that there aren’t any cameras around to record or microphones- it’s just a general practice so you shout. “Thanks for letting me kill some time cucumber!” before you hurry out the door. 

Soobin’s reply comes with the start of “yah! Noona-“ but you don’t hear the rest of his protest at your weird nickname for him as the door closes behind you and Jungkook. 

“How was the meeting?” you ask sweetly as you follow Jungkook, and you can see his eyes crinkle and know he’s smiling at you under his mask. The tips of his fingers brush yours after you’re done hooking your mask over your face. You’ll enter the car through the underground parking garage, but it never hurts to be extra safe in the face of paparazzi. “You guys figure out which one of you is going to be my fake boyfriend yet?” 

“Yeah, there isn’t anything fake about me you brat,” Yoongi says as he exits his studio as you pass flicking you on the shoulder before running his fingertips down your arms gently, joining you and Jungkook on your way down the hall to the lounge room where the others wait. Yoongi like Jungkook only brushes fingers with yours though he does playfully tug on one of the strings of your hoodie- he’s in a good mood- but the heaviness in his eyes tells you that whomever they’ve decided for you it isn’t Jungkook or Yoongi. 

At the same moment, Jimin passes on his way out too and almost stumbles when he sees you, that same heartbreaking boyish smile that makes his eyes disappear erupting on his face when he sees you. 

Pulling you away from Yoongi and Jungkook and giving a careful glance around to make sure there aren’t any unwanted prying eyes. Pressing his lips to yours in hello when he realizes there aren’t. His plush lips sucking yours in a passionate kiss, one that seems a little resigned though. 

“So it’s not you either,” you ask when you break apart. Jimin giggles, and shakes his head. “No, but I wanted to see you before I left, just wanted to let you know that I’ll be back later,”

“What are you doing?” you ask shyly, as Jimin kisses your fingertips, his fingers lingering on your rings you have there, small and perfect, a small red stone at the center of a delicately thin band. He slides one off your ring finger and puts it on his own, though it’s a tight fit. “This is pretty- who gave it to you?”

“Namjoon” you smile, letting him take it, you and Jimin are the type of couple who share jewelry all the time. “You never answered my question” 

His answering smile is mischievous, “you’ll find out later,” he says, kisses you again quickly, letting his forehead rest against yours for a second.

“Number sweetheart?”

2 weeks earlier was when you’d devised the number system.

 “If you’re not going to go to the hospital, then I think we should set up some rules- or just some things that could help you.”  

You suck in your lower lip, hands tightening on the blanket in front of you. and Namjoon is already soothing a hand over yours. It’s a comfy night in, take out, your staple these days and everyone in pajamas. You yourself are in a cooky themed top and tata themed bottoms. All the others are piled around you likewise swathed in fluffy blankets propped up against pillows. 

Someone had the bright idea of dragging two king-sized mattresses out into the living room a few days ago and you’ve all been sleeping out here, like a massive sleepover every night. It’s more out of necessity than anything else, after the second night that you’d slept home, you’d woken up to Yoongi sleeping in Namjoon’s chair again for the third night in a row, just to keep an eye on you. and this might not have been an ideal arrangement (everyone was woken up whenever someone stirred to use the restroom) it was better than that alternative. 

You play with Seokjin's fingers in your lap, tracing along the double joints and the lines of his palms as he talks. “you promised you’d be more open with us Y/n. And you’ve tried before- you’ve tried to tell us how and I know it’s too hard for you. But maybe it will be better if we’re not all comparing notes and you give us something to jump off of.” 

“And you know I’m not sure it if-if I can give you that.” you have to be open with them, even if it’s hard but sometimes, it’s just impossible for you to be open. When you say this, some of them look tired, some of them look a little angry. But what’s best is Jungkook leaning forward to take your hand, your feet in his lap  “I understand,” he says, nodding a little, his fingers smooth over your knuckles in admonishment, His long curly hair falling in his eyes. 

it’s Taehyung who suggests it, curled on his side, head half in Namjoon’s lap. “What if we devised something easier, some way that we can check in without feeling like we’re going to make you close off, kind of like the colors system.” You nod, as do the others. You’re all familiar with the stop light system for your more intimate encounters, enough that you all understand what he’s is getting at. 

“So like- numbers you’re thinking?” Namjoon clarifies, sucking in his chin and mulling over the words in his head. his fingers absentmindedly trailing along Taehyung's jaw. below him, Tae basks in the affection, it looks like he would purr if he was a cat, but Namjoon is so thoughtful that he doesn't notice. “So like, 10 for like, needing to be checked into the hospital, and 1 for like, so happy I think everything could be okay?” he clarifies. 

“I feel like it should go the other way maybe like 10 is happy, and 1 is sad,” it seems almost too simple to use those words but the others know what you mean. Sometimes it comes down to something just that simple. 

“We should write it out,” Jimin says, standing up and almost falling over as he steps over bodies to get a nicer marker and a clean sheet of paper, switching back and forth with Namjoon, scrawling in elegant Hangul as you bounce things back and forth. Eventually coming up with this:

10- So happy that I think everything’s okay from now on. 9-  A really really good day, 8- I’m gonna be okay probably for a few days after this, Cuz I feel so nice, 7- happy, (the feeling like when you get a hug and the warmth stays for a long time) 6-  happy, might feel a little meh, but it’s nothing that’s getting in the way of everything. 5- I’m okay. 4- I’m not okay but I might be in a little bit. Be gentle with me, maybe don’t leave me alone. 3- Don’t leave me alone. Bug me to talk until I do (even if I don’t want to). 2- Don’t leave me alone, get everyone together, cancel whatever needs to be canceled. 1- Check me into the hospital.

Jimin is careful as he pens the last line. Thinking about the possibility of a one. The list gets pinned to the refrigerator, alongside a picture of the 7 of you (minus Seokjin who was behind the camera) all sprawled out and sleepy in the living room after a movie night.

It’s a few days until it’s used. But Jimin is surprised how much better it makes him feel when Taehyung asks you “number?” and you sit and think about it for a second, looking at the list on the fridge. “Probably a 4.5,” you say in a quiet voice, a little bit worried how it will be received,  But it’s honest, and that’s all you promised to be with them. You’re feeling just the slightest edge towards delicate today. 

Taehyung and Jimin spend the rest of their free time snuggling you and running their fingers through your hair until they have to go record. And throughout the evening and most of the afternoon, you sit in the corner of the recording booth watching the seven of them record a chorus until their throats hurt. Flashing them smiles and thumbs up whenever one of them turns to look at you.

“Number sweetheart?” Jimin asks, in the hallway after they’ve decided which of them will go public with your relationship. 

You think for a moment, “probably a 6 or so.” Jungkook still lingering nearby, nods, then gestures you to follow. Jimin’s heart a little lighter after checking in that and making you’re okay, knowing that even if you weren’t the others knew and would take care of you. He takes a moment, Kissing you again, making it deeper this time, his hand on the small of your back, tongue licking at your lower lip hotly, before he’s breaking away again leaving you a little breathless and flustered. 

“See you tonight!” he calls, dancing away, at the same moment you yell “Park Jimin you are a tease!”

It’s isn’t until you’re all back home that they tell you, Namjoon shyly looking down- trying to hide his dimples. As you shout “Joonie!” and hug him. His hands slipping over your shoulders, holding you tightly. His dimples and his smile incandescent. 

“Ah I’m so jealous,” Seokjin comments behind you at one of the bar stools, though he doesn’t look all that upset with a lap full of Hoseok who seems to barely be paying attention, almost asleep in Seokjin’s lap. 

He didn’t get a good night sleep last night- and you try not to think about why that is, and why he crawled into bed with you and Jungkook so early this morning either, all of them have a hard time leaving you alone- or going to sleep in general these days, especially since you’d taken apart the group bedroom in the living room and switched back into your usual sleeping arrangements.

“Your knees are so boney” he comments, shifting to sit better on Seokjin’s thighs. “Yah! Like your ass is any better!” Seokjin replies, but there’s no bite to any of it. Especially when Hoseok slumps against Seokjin’s shoulder. Tipping his head into Seokjin’s neck, a safe harbor despite the teasing, looking small and in need of protection in a way that he rarely asks for but sometimes needs.  

At the same moment across the city, Jimin sits in the expensive and plush chair, the room is private enough where he can take off his bucket hat and his facemask, running his fingers through his hair before the manager enters his office after having left Jimin alone for a moment. “We’ve had it altered of course to your specifications. And changed the color as you specified in your last email.” 

“Thank you for that, and for allowing me to respond via email.” they usually don't allow that, preferring in-person meetings for non-overseas clients. The manager nods, he knows who Jimin is, and has seen the copious amount of media coverage in the last few weeks. Enough to suspect why Jimin might be busy, and also might have put a rush on this. But the jewelry designer is one he picked particularly for Its anonymity as well as for its high-end designers. 

The manager opens the velvet box carefully, and Jimin almost wants to sigh when he sees the engagement ring in the center, it’s hexagonal cut stones surrounded by a flurry of rose cuts in the shades of lightest pink. Glimmering in the lights. Jimin takes it, barely hesitating to feel the coolness of the stones. Already imagining it on your finger. Jimin nods, showing his approval before he slides your ring out of his pocket. 

“This is exactly what I had in mind, when can I have it sized?” 

(Please comment and reblog! Likes are nice, but they do little to support content creators!)

[golbrocklovely]

so i finished reading the boys book. i wanted to write down my thoughts about it, so if you've also read it (or just want to know my general feelings about it), feel free to message me !!

SPOILERS AHEAD

also it's gonna be really long bc i have a lot of thoughts. and i'm gonna rate the book at the end if that matters to you lol

so one of the main things that's brought up A LOT in the book is the boys not trying to judge trey and georgia, and honestly it is so annoying to me. idk why gaby wrote it like that, or if sam and colby insisted bc they sounded judgmental thru out the book, but good god the amount of times they talk about not wanting to be judgy, but then going ahead and judging two seconds later is way too much.

there's literally a part in the second chapter where colby says that he hates judgmental ppl, and then literally him and sam judge the rest of the book lmao

i think it's fine that they are judging thru out the whole book bc this situation that they are going thru is foreign to them, so you're gonna be questioning things a lot, i just... don't get why they wanted to say they're not judgmental as if that's the worst thing.

like you literally almost get sacrificed to the dark lord, i think it’s okay if you’re a bit of an asshole, sam and colby

i got annoyed when the boys got really into their philosophies early on in the book, but that's very on brand for them. they don't talk about 'living life to the fullest' and all that shit too much in the book, which is good bc honestly that would have been worse, but they do mention it.

personally, colby's chapters were funnier to read than sam's. maybe it's just bc colby's (kinda sorta) inner dialogue is something i relate to more, but i did find his chapters to be more interesting imo

the nature descriptions in this book are abundant and god knows how gaby was able to describe it as well as she did over and over again. that being said, it happens too many times. like, personally, i don't care about tropical nature, that's not my cup of tea, but if you love that imagery, cool beans and those parts must have been fun for you. but like for me, it was just kinda boring and redundant after a while. bc literally every time the nature was mentioned, it was going from 'oh it's really beautiful. no it's not beautiful, it's gorgeous. no it's ethereal. no it's heaven' and i was just like... we get it.

idk why, but maybe i didn't pay attention well enough, but the drama that happened with trey and colby didn't really feel like it got fully flushed out. like, i got the general idea that trey told colby that youtube was a dumb idea, but i feel like it would have been better to really express how much that hurt colby's feelings, and why that made him cautious to help or see trey.

them physically saying 'this experience is so crazy, we're gonna have to write a book about it'... was a bit too on the nose for me.

highkey, kinda loved the casual mention that sam and colby have smoked weed before, since this is something they both haven't said they've done. (granted we have all seen that one livestream where colby was literally high on an edible or whatever with prettyheartbreak aka my fav livestream of colby’s lol)

also, idk why, but it weirded me out that colby was so hyper-fixated on a mermaid statue of a 16 year old girl... it was just weird to me.

the build up to the spooky stuff took a while to get to, like almost a 100 pages, and i honestly thought half way thru that they were gonna leave the belle estate for good and all the spooky shit would happen afterwards

that being said, i think where the real experience stopped and the novel begins is the first time they left the belle estate. i just have hunch.

not technically book related, but the convo they had to have with alex about turning him into a bad guy must have been a fun lol

like i can literally imagine them asking 'would you be okay with betraying us in our novel?' and alex just being like 'yeah, 100% do it. i'm ready to sacrifice you guys already.' lmao

and my biggest gripe about the book (and also the hugest spoiler):

all the spooky shit they experienced was not real and was just a drug induced hallucination??? i call bullshit.

i think at times it would have been fine to mention that georgia drugged them, or even drugged trey to be compliant (like roofies or something like that), but to literally do the 'it was all a dream' thing except make it drugs... was such a huge let down. 

like, it was cool for a moment to be like, 'holy shit it's not real and she's gonna kill them bc she thinks it is, but she's actually just in a drug induced psychosis'. but the let down of all the ghost and spirits they saw were just bad trips??? i hate that. it was such a cop-out. it would have been so much better to just go full spooky and be like 'no, there's spirits but also we're high', you know?

random things that are extremely nitpicky but whatever i want to say them lol:

colby literally saying ‘w-t-f’ when the sacrifice is going to happen was the dumbest thing i’ve read. there were a couple times thru out the book gaby used internet lingo which was fine (i have no room to talk i literally use ‘i-d-k’ sometimes in actual conversation), but if i was about to be sacrificed, i’d be using every curse word i have in my vernacular lol

sam calling trey a ‘lucky fucker’ was not something i could see sam calling someone, but maybe that’s just me.

there were times it was extremely word heavy, which i know sounds stupid to say for a novel. but there were times that it just felt like gaby was trying to reach a word count, so she would just say every word she could think of. also things were just worded weirdly at times. idk how else to describe it, but if you read it, you probs noticed it too.

there was this one moment in the book i literally got lost at what the fuck was happening bc the boys were flip flopping between hallucinating and hating the belle estate and i was just confused as to what was going on. like, it’s fine for them to lose it, but you don’t need the reader to also be lost along the way.

i would have loved an epilogue of some sort. it felt like it ended too abruptly, so it would have been cool to have some sort of ending where maybe they make a video about the experience, no one believes them bc it’s insane, and then they get news that the belle estate burned down and that trey wasn’t found. or like maybe they get a letter that the belle estate was handed down to them or something like that.

kalani explaining everything to the guys felt a bit lazy. i’m not entirely sure how else gaby could have told all of that information to the audience and sam and colby but it was just weird to have some random person we’ve never met before know everything that was about to happen to them and why.

actual positives i have about the book bc i feel like i shit talked the whole thing:

the humor thru out was really good. how all four of the boys joke with each other felt really realistic and it added some nice touches to the darker scenes.

the gore of kalani having his heart ripped out of his chest was fucking terrifying and dope as shit. i literally went into this book thinking no one was gonna die besides whoever the bad guy was, but i was wrong and i’m impressed.

the hauntings and the descriptions of what sam and colby experienced were so cool and i really loved how she wrote it.

the internal monologue of sam and colby felt exactly like what i think they would sound like in their heads. i think she got a really good grasp at who they are and was able to dictate what they would sound like in a situation like this.

the one scene towards the end where colby was saying how much he loved sam... i literally almost cried.

my rating of the book: 3.5/5 stars

overall, there were parts to the book that i really did enjoy, but i have to take a step back and wonder that if i didn’t know who sam and colby were, would i have even read this book? i don’t usually read paranormal stories, but i have a few in my collection so i think i would have been drawn to the book bc of that. however, i don’t know if i would have understood who the boys were as ppl if i didn’t already know who they were before hand. also i feel like at times the story fell a little flat and for it to take almost 40% of the book to get to the actual haunting parts, i’m not really impressed by that. while i did like reading this book, it could have been a bit better.

please let me know what you think !! i would love to hear your thoughts/theories/commentary on all of it too :)

[argyleandjonathansmokingajoint]

In the Warmth of Your Smile

Pairing: Byeler/Byler

Words: 2441

Summary: Will’s had a pretty bad night. Scratch that, pretty bad year. Mike can’t rewind time, but he can be here.

Warning: None, they’re kids and they have their first kiss though? (Well, Mike’s second, sorry.)

Author’s Note: Thanks for reading this! I just have a lot of thoughts about that Halloween night. Can you believe I didn’t mention “Crazy together” once? I hope the feeling is invoked, though. You can also find this and all my other Byeler fics on my AO3 here!

They’re sitting shoulder to shoulder with legs pressed in close in Mike’s basement. It must be getting pretty late now. The fear’s still sitting in Will’s stomach like a lump, but it’s settled now thanks to Mike and his comforting words. His reassurances are still floating about in Will’s head when Mike says something and he has to turn to him to try to catch it.

“Huh?”

Mike scoffs lightly at his friend. “I said you really should have told me about that girl-”

“Max.”

“Yeah, whatever. you should have told me she was coming with us tonight, that you were inviting her.”

“You’re still upset over that? Come on, Mike.”

“What? Because of her-” he cuts himself off and lowers his voice again. “If I wasn’t so focused on all that, I would’ve been with you the whole time.” his chin is jutting out and Will’s worried he might cry, but instead he just curls his fists up, pulling on the pants of his Ghostbusters suit.

“Hey, it’s nobody’s fault. And don’t blame Max. ‘Sides you never asked about your friend, El being in the party. Just decided." he says it matter of factually as he swipes a bite-size snickers from the table and unwraps it. He tries to avoid conversations about her usually, especially if Mike’s the one talking about her, but he can’t help the comment that rolls off his tongue.

“What?” Mike has all of a second to feel offended before he looks at Will’s face. That’s right, now isn’t about him and besides, Will’s right anyway. He always seems to be right. He wishes he knew what Will was thinking though.

“Nothing. I just d- Look, it doesn’t matter anyway, okay?” Will sticks the whole snickers in his mouth and bites down. Hard. It gives him something else to focus on, other than the thoughts running through his mind.

“Sheesh, you won’t even have a conversation with me? Fine! I don’t get what the problem is anyway? It’s not like she’s done anything to you! She even helped save you!” During Mikes little tirade, Will finishes his mini up, but was now looking to the ground, visibly shaking.

He turns towards his friend within the second Mike was done talking and lets loose on him. “Jeez, I just don’t like her, okay?! Not everybody has to like everybody and I don’t! You don’t like Max? Well I don’t like this El you-you keep talking about! God, you can’t just shut up about her! I- I mean I get it, you care but guess what? I’m right here, Mike!” There are tears in Will’s sullen eyes now, but he keeps going, voice softer this time. “I came back. She left. You’re always here for me, but it’s like you’re not at the same time and I hate it.” The words are practically growled as they make their way out of Will’s angry throat.

Mike looks at Will, his best friend since they were five, as if he’s been stricken. It hurts, to hear all the thoughts and feelings that have been built up inside his small friend this whole time he’s been back home. He thought it’d been him and Will against the rest of the world, but it turns out he’d been part of what was hurting him most.

He blinks and feels something running down his cheeks. Huh? How long has he been crying? “I-I’m sorry. Will, I-” He looks down at his lap, then back up at the boy in front of him. Tears escape his eyes too and Mike wants to hold his hand or hug him, to comfort and be comforted, but he’s afraid he’s lost those privileges now, so he settles for just looking at his sad face, sure that he’s never felt so crushed in his life, excluding the time he saw “Will’s” body being pulled from the quarry.

“Will, I didn’t know you felt like that. I thought we told each other everything.” Will’s sharp look makes Mike flinch and inhale a breath.

“Yeah, so did I. But I guess not anymore.” When Mike looks at him questioningly, Will sighs. “You and El sure got pretty close while I was- gone.”

Mike is stunned for a second. He racks his brain and then it clicks. No, no way. “Will, it’s not like that! I- We weren't -!” He clumsily scrambles closer to Will on the couch and clutches both of his hands in his own. “I promise it wasn’t like that. Not for me, definitely! You know I-” The words don’t quite make it out of his lips, but the answering blush to both of their faces is enough tell them both the truth.

“But, then why did you act so uh, you know?” Will looks to the side.

Mike bumps his shoulder, still holding his hands and makes sure to look into his eyes as he says the next words.

“I lost a friend. I guess I started to care about her.” At Will’s hurt expression, Mike quickly corrects his phrasing. “As a friend though, a friend only! Besides, she doesn’t even know basic stuff. I think it would be, like, taking advantage of her.” Mike makes a face. He remembers Nancy overhearing Nancy talk on the phone to Barb about that. His dad was never gonna tell him, so he’s lucky to have learned it somewhere when he did. He still feels guilty for that kiss, knowing what he knows.

“Mike?” Said boy looks at Will and his heart almost stops. There are dried tears on his face and a question in his eyes still.

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere but here, anyway.” He says softly, pulling Will closer and wrapping his arms around him tentatively. Will seems to accept this, so Mike leans his head on Will’s shoulder and then, with the silence of the house around them, he just breathes him in.

Will sits there, still and breathing shallowly. He’s too nervous to do anything, not wanting to make a mistake and have Mike move away.

It’s maybe thirty seconds before Mike chuckles and burrows closer to Will, gently stroking his back with a single finger. “I’m not made of glass, you know?”

Will seems to calm when he hears that and relaxes instantly. “S-sorry. Nervous.”

“Me too.” If Will could see the expression on Mike’s face as he say those words, he’d see the hopelessly lovesick look he wears.

Will, wearing his own lovelorn look, places his head atop of Mikes and his arms come around Mike in a hug-like fashion, then stay there.

It’s quiet inside Mike’s home. The only sound the boys can hear are their breathing and the muffled television upstairs. Will can feel Mike’s heartbeat against his side and he wonders if Mike can feel his. It’s a nice thought and it makes his heart feel all fluttery inside. There’s so much he’s yet to tell Mike, that he must know now but Will wants him to hear it too. He wants to-

“Can I kiss you?”

“I- Wha-?” Mike’s head shoots up and he stares wide and owlishly at Will.

“Um, a kiss?” Will’s losing his nerve, but he looks into Mike’s eyes and Mike doesn’t look disgusted. He looks amazed, like he’s surprised that Will would actually want to kiss him of all people.

“Y-yeah!” Mike catches himself and then says, calmer, “I mean, sure, okay.” But his eyes are still eager and Will can’t help but grin, even as his cheeks turn a dewy pink. It’s okay, Mike’s are the same color.

“I’ve never done this before.” Will confesses. It’s kind of daunting.

“I’ve never done this with someone that matters.” Mike whispers back as his face comes closer to Will’s own.

It makes Will’s heart hammer even faster. He feels almost like a grown adult and at the same time like he’s five years old again, meeting his best friend for the first time on those swings. His eyes are cracked open just the slightest bit ‘cause he figures you gotta be able to see which direction you’re going in, right? He thinks Mike probably looks beautiful this close up because he looks beautiful all the time, but he can’t see to well with his eyes squinted half open and half shut so he’ll half to check another time. Another time, wow.

His internal monologue seems to die as Mike’s lips graze his own, his eyes slipping shut fully and of their own accord. After five seconds it’s over but then Mike’s coming back in again. And again. And again. He doesn’t really know what he’s doing and Mike doesn’t seem to either, so he just tries to emulate what he’s seen in movies and from TV. It seems to be working, Mike and him pressing their lips together and rubbing them around slightly. It feels nice, at least. He’s grabbed onto the back of Mike’s suit sometime during their kissing and Mike’s bunched up the front of his in his hands.

They’re still softly kissing when the door to the basement opens and the clicking of heels starts down the steps.

“Shit.” Mike curses. They jump away from each other as quickly as they can, almost as if just burned.

“Boys!” Mrs. Wheeler rounds the corner and peeks her head down. She looks at them suspiciously for a few seconds then shakes her head fondly. “Boys, sort out your candy now! Will, your brother’s here to pick you up, sweetie.” She smiles, turning and heading back up the stairs.

“Yes ma’am!”

“Okay, mom!”

Mike looked put out as Will and he starts sorting through the candy and chocolate.

“Eugh, raisins.” Mike’s face scrunches up and he’s about to throw them in the trash can, but Will stops him.

“Wait, I’ll take them.”

“But you don’t like raisins either.”

“No, mom does.”

Mike’s eyebrows go up at that. “Dude, I’m seriously questioning your mom right now.”

Will just shrugs and smiles. “She eats them on her oatmeal.”

“Wow.”

When nothing else is said Will looked at Mike questioningly, still going through the candy pile. “Huh? What’s wrong?”

“It’s true.”

More silence.

“Mike, come on. What’s true?”

“You really are too good! How is this possible? That I could meet someone like you and you would think I’m worth anything is beyond me.” Mike’s tone is joking, but Will leans over and pecks his cheek anyway.

“Don’t you know how important you are, Mike? To the party? To me?” He leans in and just when Mike thinks for sure, they’re going to kiss again he smiles and pushes him back.

“Here.” In Will’s hand is a Baby Ruth. Mike looked at him questioningly.

“I dont-?” He wasn’t sure what was up.

“Kiss.” Oh. Oh, okay. Well, if it was an exchange Will wanted than he’d be happy to oblige.

“O-okay, yeah!” Wow, calm down, Mike.

Will just laughs slightly in return. Then, they’re coming closer and closer, but the sudden sound of footsteps on the wooden steps stop them in their tracks. They didn’t even hear the door open this time. Was it never shut? They can’t remember. Mike and Will back up until they’re at a safe distance from each other, then Will picks up his candy-filled bag.

Perfect timing, as Jonathan rounds the corner just then. His eyes are tired but his lips curve into a smile when he sees Will. He waves and nods his head at Mike too.

“Hey guys, you hit a lot of houses?”

They look at each other and remember the events that had taken place earlier. “Uh, it was pretty good. We decided to come back early though and just watch some Halloween movies.” Mike covers for Will.

“Oh, yeah? Not too scary?” Jonathan’s concern is palpable an honestly, Mike gets it.

“Uh, n-no. Funny ones mostly.” He’s blanking, shit, he’s blanking.

“Um, E.T and So-something Wicked This Way Comes?”

“Right. You guys okay? You’re kinda jumpy.”

Oh no. It’s all over. He knows and he’s gonna tell they’re mom, then Mrs. Wheeler’s gonna find out, oh God, Ted-

“Did you guys actually watch a scary movie? ‘Cause I won’t be mad. Will, I know you love them, an-”

Will sighs and looks over at Mike, who gives him a smile and a quick wink.

“Okay, yeah. We watched Cujo. It was really scary and ya know, we’ll probably both have nightmares now.” He looks back to Mike, who nods along.

“Okaaayy.” Jonathan draws the word out, still not sounding convinced, but whatever secrets they’re holding, it doesn’t seem they’re ready to give it up quite yet.

Will turns back to Mike and walks over to him. “Here.” He looks down and in Will’s hand is the Baby Ruth from earlier.

“But-” He looks at Jonathan standing on the foot of the steps and then back at Will. “Our deal.” He maybe puts too much emphasis on the words, but that’s neither here nor there.

Will grins. “It’s okay. You’ll make it up to me, won’t you Wheeler?”

It nearly short circuits Mike’s brain, but he manages to hug back when Will goes in for a hug.

“I’ll call you later on the walkie.” He promises.

“‘Kay.” Then Will’s out of Mike’s arm’s and moving up the stairs, shouting a ‘see ya’ behind him.

“Bye!” Mike yells back, then he plants himself on the couch with a doofy grin on his face.

~

"Hey, buddy?" Jonathan looks puzzled as he and Will make their way out to the car, having already said by to Mike's mom.

"Yeah?"

"You guys drink some Kool-aid or something? Have some kind of red candy?"

Jonathan can swear he sees Will's soul leave his body the moment he say it, the sheer terror on his face is enough to read and he feels like a fool. It doesn't take a genius to round up all the clues and know what they mean.

"Yeah! We had.. Skittles! It was skittles!" Will hurries through an answer and though it's hardly believable, Jonathan lets it go.

"Well, congrats." He ruffles Will's hair and the boy looks unsure.

"For what? Eating skittles?" He's incredulous.

"Uh, yeah. I haven't had any, but I hear they're pretty good." He says as they buckle their seat-belts and Jonathan starts the car.

That changes Will's mood instantly and he smiles. "Oh, I still have tons! You can have some of mine!"

"Oh. Thanks, bud."

Jonathan turns up the music on the radio, a song about someone who's in love, their heart is breaking, and for the first time Will can't relate to it.

[cyberstabbing]

Someone left a long and heart-felt message about THROAM to Anna Green on her curiouscat page and Anna replied with a long message as well. I’m pasting the text here so I don’t ever lose it:

May 1st, 2020

Anonymous: Part 1 of 2 — Hey Anna I followed THROAM back when I was heavy in the panic fandom; I would leave you these ridiculously long comments on lj and read your updates late into the night, when I knew my parents wouldn’t catch me. I was 15. Almost Famous was my favorite movie, Ryden was my otp, you were already my favorite fic author, and I loved nothing more than a long, developed, realism-based slowburn. When you started writing THROAM, it was like my dream fic had been dropped in my lap. I was so enthralled, so in awe of you, so appreciative of your craft. I remember those weeks between updates stretching seemingly endlessly. But I never resented the long waits; I re-read previous chapters, perused your other fics, and knew that you were taking the time because the time was worth it. Your attention to detail was unmatched. 

 I am now 25 years old now, with a master’s degree and a job. Nearly every 1-2 years of the past decade, I get a certain itch. And before I know it, I’m re-reading the anthology, page by page, just as consumed as I was the first time around. I find your dialogue and characterization so compelling that I often can’t help but quietly read the lines out loud to myself. Once I’ve picked it up, THROAM occupies much of my thoughts when I’m not actively reading it, and my nights stretch into the wee hours as I plow through the pages. I saved pdf versions of each volume long ago, but to also have the print copies on my shelf gives me such an enormous sense of relief. To know that whatever moves you make, whatever happens to lj or ao3 or the internet at large, I will still have my throam copies...that brings me joy. 

 I know that you have far outgrown this story, the role it played in your life, the time that you spent writing it, and the person you were back then. The thing is—so have I. It’s remarkable; I am not an active member of any fandoms and am a very different version of myself from the girl who followed this fic’s release. And the version of myself who re-read it my first year of college is a different person from the girl who re-read it as she started her first job. So many different lonely chapters of my life, always punctuated by a return to this old friend. Because of fic stigma, shame, and the whole panic at the disco + lots of explicit sex thing, I refrain from ever sharing the volumes with others, so it feels like I have this little, ever-expanding world of my own with THROAM. Such a huge part of my life, and nobody I know knows a thing about it. It’s special, really. (Cont’d)

pineconepickers: <3333 answer in the next one!

Anonymous: Part 2:  Some pages I can practically recite from memory, and yet others read as fresh and surprising each time around. I still feel the same frustration and pain, I’m still swept up by the allure of Ryan’s fame, the impressiveness of his talent, I’m still enthralled by the mad world of 70s rock, I still chuckle at R’s snarky internal monologue and shake my head at his deeply ego-centric world view, it the boys’ cowardices and braveries, at their spite and their bitterness and their love. I still feel the same flutter in my heart at some of the more tender scenes. I still smile softly when I notice the subtle shifts (messy and tentative) towards growth in Ryan’s character. I’m still shocked by just how invested I am in the many side characters, how fully rounded they all are. And it’s still the hottest sex I have ever, ever read. 

 I was an English major who now teaches English, and I have never had this kind of relationship with another text. Nothing has ever been so relentlessly revisitable, nothing ever nags at me if I go too long without re-reading, nothing consumes me quite like this, and few character dynamics have ever been quite so compelling. The 25 year old woman who had long shaken the fandom world feels so grateful to have been in the right place at the right time to have discovered this story. And I am eternally grateful to you for the care, effort, and absolute labor of love this story demanded. As an avid fic defender and devotee, you shifted my whole paradigm of what fic could be. This masterpiece set the bar impossibly high. Furthermore, thank you for continuing to make it accessible to fans old and new. 

Anyway, as I marvel at this fic’s everlasting effect and your writing’s power, I just had to say my piece. It’s been a decade since I last waxed poetic in full fangirl mode at you. Seemed like the time was ripe. 

Best and sincerely grateful,  C

pineconepickers: Hi, C! Wow I really did not expect to wake up to this and it's left me quite speechless, to be honest. First of all, I am so touched by this letter and would love to give you a hug, but social distancing and all that. ;) Then, to be consistent, tut tut to your minor self for reading explicit adult content - I have to say this because it is a line I feel ever more strongly about, but of course I too used to read adult fics when I was a minor, yada yada yada... And so often people grow up to be immensely embarrassed by what they enjoyed at 15 or 16, and I see a lot of that Shame Discourse around THROAM too, which, as its author, can make you think you just wrote a bad story that no one wants to admit they liked (although they all read it - it's complicated!). 

So, ten years on, it's great to hear that the story still compels you and that it has aged in a way that you still enjoy it. THROAM has had such a strange afterlife that I never could have predicted, both good and bad, and my own relationship with the work has grown increasingly complex over the years. You outgrow stories, as you rightly said, and you outgrow your own writing style, too, and become increasingly critical of your past efforts, alas - yet I still have an immense love for the story and its flaws, I can at a moment's notice see snow drifting down on a winter night in Bismarck or am blinded by California sun or taste the salt in the air on a beach in Maine like I never left. Fic will always be regarded as less than "real fiction" - throw in emo bands and sex and even more so. But what is wrong with fictional self-indulgence in a world that often gives you little? I haven't read THROAM cover to cover in years (it's SO LONG), partly out of worry what I'll find there of my self-perceived "bad writing", but I read snippets sometimes and there is still a pull to the story, for me, that I am relieved to find. 

I was around 25 when I finished the story - and thus the circle closes. It's hard for me now to fathom the years I spent on it, the sheer number of hours, days, weeks, months it took me to write. What was 23-25 year-old me doing! But she wrote it because she had the story and no other reason. Its afterlife and readership has completely surprised me, but I am glad I didn't know it when I was writing it or I'd never have managed to finish it! 

And so it warms me now, endlessly, that the story still has importance to you and that it has grown with you. It is especially lovely to hear when I myself have clearly detached myself from the story, somewhat - it really feels like the story doesn't belong to me anymore because it took on such a life of its own. So thank you for reminding me that I, too, should give the story more love than I do - and that not all that ages needs to be left behind. Much love <333

[wingsporkhalo]

He’s Mine: A BakuDeku Fic Spork- Chapter 2

Here I am with chapter 2 of this mess!! For those of you who are new, I read a terrible My Hero Academia fanfiction and made funny commentary on it with some good buddies. Chapter 1 is here! https://wingsporkhalo.tumblr.com/post/190957730961/hes-mine-a-bakudeku-fic-spork-chapter-1

Support me on Patreon! I am poor!! https://www.patreon.com/WingSongHalo And check out my YouTube channel, where you can see video sporks!! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgTMFf7W6SyWoZdpqY9ZdPw/

Last time, the story started in the middle of an inexplicable fight, Izuku gave Shoto his phone number and had multiple houses, and Katsuki told Izuku he doesn’t want Izuku to call anyone by their first name but him! Because being controlling is romantic, right?? (Sarcasm.)

In today’s chapter, Katsuki attempts to confess his “love,” Izuku is forced to dress as a girl, Shoto kidnaps Izuku, I rant about people uke-fying my favorite characters, and Kirishima offers some terrible advice!

Special thanks to my dear friends @the-wizard-l​, @kittykatz009​, @satsuneade​, and Phos for co-commentating!

Without further ado, let’s move ahead to Chapter 2!

My friend Phos: It’s reviewing the same stuff!!! What?? Me: but Phos!! This time it's in a different Point of View, though you'd never know that from the lack of detail!!

Um what am I doing here .

[sigh] I ask myself that every day, sonny

Why dose? Uh, because it keeps you from taking too much medication?

Why dose my chest feel weird when I see deku with half'n'half.

Uhhh... maybe you know he's lactose intolerant and you're concerned for him as a friend? ....naaahhh

Phos: “Damed nerd” Me: I mean, from what i know of Bakugou's character, he always instantly regrets talking to Izuku Why would he be stuttering in his own head??! Also, what the fuck is damhed? Is it like being a shithead, but less profane?? Disided. Uhhhh... I guess that's when... something has two sides? I guess??

After I payed for the thing I wanted,

God this detail!! I'm so moved!!

Why was Izuku just running around? Was he late? I thought you were 10 minutes early?

I catched up to him

Sure. With your umbrella? Were you using it to travel like fucking Mary Poppins??

“Ahh” he said falling on the wet ground

I love how unemotional that is.

"DEKU HEAR" --the sound of me being completely out of character? Oh yes. I hear it

Wh--? What bottom of his uniform was he grabbing? I??? I hope you mean like the edge of the blazer?? My friend Jaz: Bottom of his shoes Phos: Bottom of the uniform might mean bottom of the pant leg— Oh Me: I mean, valid interpretations all of them, but it really sounds like he's grabbing ass if you just say "the bottom of his uniform" because that's... where the bottom is... moving on.

I don't get it. Has Bakugou supposedly found Izuku's stare cute this whole time, or is this a recent thing? It's so outside the realm of possibility that it's not computing

We walked to school together.

Oh my, how exciting! I wondered what was going to happen next!! And you told it so efficiently, with as few words as possible! Bravo!!

So like, WERE you getting closer or did it just FEEL like you were?

I feel like if their faces ever touched, reality would just collapse in on itself because the laws of nature would be violated

(either that or it would have to be a "one of them literally fell from a great distance onto the other one" situation)

(Which I guess isn't too far fetched since they get thrown around a lot)

Again the damh nerd is here.

Did I say something wrong?

SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU EVER CARED???

Ohhhhkay I'm just. So confused. WHY is Bakugou suddenly aware of his "feelings," WHY is he suddenly so much nicer, and WHY is he just deciding all of a sudden to confess his love?? That's the kind of thing you WRESTLE with, if you accidentally fall in love with the dude you've hated for like 11 of your 15 years of life!! My friend Wiz, evidently affected by the reality-warping powers of this fic: jhwbebhjfewjhbwfjh

Uh why did he have to come at a time like this.

B... because the bell is going to ring?...

Wow, I wish I could communicate entire sentences with just my face. Seems like a useful talent. Maybe that guy in class 1-B with the speech bubble for a head would be best at that

"Kacchan here" Why yes, he is here. Not sure why the sudden caveman-speak, though

Then half'n'half went of with my deku

[sits there staring at nothing for 5 seconds] [shakes self] Sorry I was just reeling at the sheer ridiculousness of everything about that sentence

I felt kind of bad leaving kacchan behind.

Then it just transitions to the next scene because fuck internal monologue I guess Jaz: When did he become Your Deku? Me: THEIR TEACHER NEVER SHOWED UP??? BITCH WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO AIZAWA??? Also, wouldn't it naturally fall to Iida to take over and decide their next course of action, as class rep? Why are the girls all hijacking the class??? Jaz: They hogtied Iida, of course Me: They're putting their names on a stick... oh god... tHEY'RE ORGANIZING A DEATH TOURNAMENT "Deku come with me" "I'd love to but that's not the pairing of this fic" Jaz: Dhdududidifhf

I love how Izuku has no agency in this fic; he just goes with whoever and does whatever, helpless against the whims of those around him. And by love, I mean hate. I fucking hate that.

Uh *sigh*

Wow that's a mood. Jaz: Wtf is even going on Me: lskjdlkksjdf Not that Izuku wouldn't dress up as a girl if someone told him to, but I think he'd usually at least like a reason for it "Izuku the All Might Cheer Squad is missing a member; could you sub in?" "[throws everything off his desk and stands up at once] I've been waiting for this moment" My friend Satsu, just arriving: Finally caught up and I'm CACKLING Me: Somebody get Ochaco to Recovery Girl!! She's taken a blow to the face and there is BLEEDING aH THANK U SATSU <3 Satsu: HI MOM, ((note: my server calls me Mom. LOL)) lol this is so bad 😂 😂 Wiz: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING HERE JHBDJBH Me: Honestly, I think Izuku would be dreadfully embarrassed if everyone stared at him no matter WHAT he was wearing Satsu: Yeah but like, why uraraka suddenly dressed him like that??? What is the thinking process that that would be okay in the school omg Me: “Why would you do this to me uraraka-san“ Wiz: I’m crying Me: "Look, it was in my contract that I had to appear in 50 badfics a week. I'm sorry, Deku" "[hangs his head] No that's fair"

Satsu, didn't you know?? This is just what happens when the teacher doesn't show up Satsu: Aw damn, if I knew ;-;

Wiz: I am. So confused wjhbfe Satsu: They all ran of Me: he stoped, but I can't.

Then I ran of

It was a run of girlishness and embarrassment, I'm guessing. Did they all say the slashes, or? Jaz: Did Todoroki just kidnap Deku? Wiz: These things happen Satsu: Oh dear, the last sentence My eyes Me:

Izuku ran of

--Shame and frilliness--

Mabey we went to far

"Sorry, I can't go with you this weekend. Mah bae and I are going to far." "To where?" "Far. It's this restaurant across town" Wiz: jhwbewehbj Me: What the--why was Izuku running for his life? WHAT DID HE DO Shoto: [pushes Izuku] Izuku: thank you! Shoto: uh... s-sure... should I be concerned that you just thanked me for shoving you Izuku: Probably! Wiz: MOOD Satsu: Kdbdkdbfkjf Me: What the--why's Shoto rubbing Izuku's head? Is it a good luck ritual or has Izuku turned into a puppy? Wait, no, he still has hands. I'M CONFUSED Phos: I still don’t understand the dress and wig.Well, girls uniform. Satsu: You’re not alone with that lol Me: Look, sometimes ya see an adorable messy-haired befreckled shonen protagonist and ur just overwhelmed with the desire to see him in drag....... I guess? Phos: I mean Yeah that sounds exactly like what this fic is doing Me: It sounds to me like they wanted to write moments where Shoto and Katsuki would get to interact with Izuku while he's a delicate, soft little maiden [rolls eyes] Wiz: :’)) Me: STOP UKE-FYING MY IZUKU, YOU FETISHIST Satsu: They always do that to my dear main characters :( Me: Me pulling these badfic authors up by their collar: listen here you yaoi sluts... my son Izuku is more manly than 90 other shonen protagonists put together... Jaz: Omggggg WING Phos: "yaoi sluts" I will never have a chance to use that and man I’m upset about that Satsu: Heck yeah! Me: LSJKFLKSDJ PHOS Satsu: MOOD Phos: I’m not in a lot of fandoms where yaoi is the norm in badfic! Me: Really? It kind of seems like it's the norm in every fandom nowadays. Look I love a lot of slash pairings, but yaoi I have a problem with. Yaoi is fetishization, yaoi is semes and ukes and one of them has to be "the girl" essentially and it's gross Phos: Agreed! Me: ANYWHO [steps off my soapbox] Wiz, a bit behind on the messages: YAOI SLUTS JHBFJHF

No body saw him, but several pairs of eyes did. Three of them were Shoji's. Wiz: Wing I love you Me:

Something told me he went out side

Was the something lazy writing? I LOVE U TOO WIZ <3 <3 <3 Satsu: It's cracking me uo that it says "Bakago P. O. V" Me: Does... does this person honestly think that's how you spell "damn"? I... wh? The kinds of mistakes this person is making are not really things I see from people who speak English as a second language--tenses are more or less usually correct, etc--so I'm just. How. How do you get it wrong that many times

"Ahh" I heard someone screaming

Really? Cuz when you write it like that it looks more like what you'd say while sinking into a hot bath after a long day. Satsu: Wait, didn't Todoroki kidnap him? Where did he go? Phos: He’s been consumed by the love triangle void Satsu: He just vanished lol Me: Yeah he was like "finally, my Love Interest™️ is in drag, so I must make the most of this and Romance him" and fucked the hell off dragging poor Izuku with him Satsu: LMAO PHOS Me: SLAKFJDLKJ PHOS Phos: bows Thank you Me:

It was Deku being chased by boys

The Izuku Midoriya tag on pixiv, basically

I picked up deku and put him over my shoulder.

This is the second BakuDeku fic I've seen where Bakugou throws Izuku over his shoulder like a goddamn bag of potatoes and it's portrayed as Romantic. Wiz: w h y Satsu: I'm still wondering, is this supposed to be BakuDeku or TodoDeku? Or both????? Phos: Both, I think Me: I think it’s both, yeah Satsu: Aw, dang. My poor baby. :( Phos: I’d bet real money this doesn’t end properly, like it’s not finished Me: yeah the story is technically called "he's Mine! (tododeku kacdeku) (boku no hero academia)" Satsu: Kfbdkfjf jf Wiz: Oh joy Me: which, like, first off, who the FUCK calls it Kacdeku? I'm pretty sure I heard my cat say that while throwing up once Wiz: gfthghuji Phos: Adobe (That was a corrected keysmash) Satsu: I was about to say about kacdeku veing a very weird ship name lol Ah fuck, I always end up changing one letter or eating a whole word Me: "ADOBE" IS THE BEST KEYSMASH LSKJDKFSL mkay SO I don't think Bakugou would literally kill those boys, but he would definitely threaten it Also, how is Izuku supposed to get changed? Did he bring his other clothes with him??

Phos: BOLD ITALIC AUTHORS NOTE Wiz: jhbjhbjhk Me: I... guess he had his uniform? ALSO YES, ONE OF MY FAVORITES, DEFS A SQUARE ON MY BADFIC BINGO Phos:

Or ... fuck him

Wow I hate this Me: I do not remember Bakugou ever looking like a lost cat, nor do I think a lost cat is a very good descriptor because cats just kinda hide or come up to people and yell when they're lost. ...Actually that second one does describe Bakugou; never mind. Katsukitty "ALL THEM BOYS" SHEEEEE-OOOT! IZUKU DONE GOT HIMSELF A HUMDINGER OF A SOUTHERN ACCENT, NOW, AHYUH-HYUH!!! I walked on a head? Wow, that takes talent. Most people use their feet but I guess if you wanna be Extra

I all ways want to force him

I mean, there are a lot of ways; do you really have to want all of them?

to force him agents a wall

Whoa, what? Where did these agents come from?? Are they investigating Todoroki's sudden disappearance?? Satsu: In which universe Bakugo is nicer with Deku more than with Kirishima Me:

and kiss him passionately

jfc. I just... hhhh. No.

Or... fuck him

Yeah that's about right. Katsuki: [thinks of Deku] well, fuck him :\ Satsu: LMAO LFBFKFHFKFB Phos: Scbsbsfddb Me: Also, Satsu, you summoned my favorite rocky cinnamon roll

Satsu: Also I don't remember what part of season 3 are you refering to dear author lol JUST, PLEASE STOP WITH THE DAMH ALREADY Phos: What even is that page.... Me: So I guess I should be surprised that Kirishima is just suddenly here, but considering he seems to follow Bakugou everywhere, I'm not.

"I've seen you with midoria and I thought I could help"

What's midoria? Is it a medical condition? "Man, I came down with a nasty case of midoria. I was in the bathroom like seven times last night" If that's the case, Kirishima could help by just giving him some Pepto. Satsu: Kdbejqhevjdvfjd Wiz: pfffft Me:

"Well for one change your..."

Mind? Clothes? Tires once every four years or 10,000 miles? Satsu: Your brain cells!??? Me:

"well be less angry and more happy with him"

WOW!! STARTLINGLY ASTUTE ADVICE!! IF ONLY SOMEONE COULD HAVE PINPOINTED BEFORE WHY THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS SO STRAINED!! YOU DOIN' THE LORD'S WORK, AUTHOR!! Phos: Adsvads Me:

"Are you telling me to change who I am!!"

"Well... yeah, kinda. I mean, I love ya, bro, but your attitude kinda sucks." "........Okay, fair"

"Unless you want him to be with todoroki!?"

Uhhh, does what Izuku wants factor into this at ALL, or...? Also, sure, if someone doesn't like you, just change who you are! Works every time, at least until you forget which version of yourself you were using with each person!! Wiz: yaaaaaaaaayyyy Me:

Damh him

Uhhh... okay. [points to self] Wing, me.

"Fine I'll change but only when I'm around deku!"

Sure! Sounds like the basis of a healthy relationship! (: The last decade of abuse doesn't matter!! Wiz: :')))))

===========================================================

AND THAT IS ALL FOR CHAPTER 2! Next time, Shoto makes terrible jokes and lies to Izuku’s mother, Izuku and Shoto go on a date, and our helpless damsel protagonist gets attacked by a villain!! Next post will be up very soon! Thanks for reading <33333

[crossbows-and-moonshine]

Let The Flames Begin

So I’d really love feedback on this one. The ideas been bouncing around in my noggin for a while, but lately its nagging at me so I need to get it out. I want feedback cause I‘m contemplating making more chapters. No idea how many as of yet, but I have that many Daryl fics I’m in the middle of, that I wanna know if this is worth making into something.

I asked on Tumblr about making this in Daryl's POV and people were interested but I changed it a little. It's still third person and we still know a little of what's going on in the characters heads, but it's focused heavily on Daryl's internal monologue. So it's kind of his POV and still in third person. I really don't like the whole ‘Me, I’ etc for this one. I did try it but it didn't work, and sometimes its good to know what's going on with my OC too. But it will focus more on what Daryl's thinking and stuff. I hope that makes sense.

It’s set before Daryl and Merle join the group.

Also, I mean...show of hands who would be interested in an Alpha wolf Daryl fic...cause I mean...its hot… *side eyes* lololololool

Kill me now :’)

---------------------------

“Come on sugartits, ain’t no use fightin’ it,” Merle grinned lasciviously at her, but she pointedly ignored him, not even acknowledging his existence.

“Be a good way to pass the time,” Merle smirked obnoxiously, clearly unphased by the girl's refusal to talk to him, he was used to it by now. Charlene huffed in annoyance and rolled her eyes as she turned to the other Dixon brother, the one who rarely said a word and who was currently shaking his head as he looked at his brother like he wanted to throttle him. She idly wondered if they weren't blood, if the man would shoot Merle through the head.

“If ya want we could always have a three-way, sure my little brother here would be into that!” Merle cackled, causing Daryl to growl as he looked down, the tips of his ears turning pink. Charlene turned her eyes to the younger Dixon and paid no mind to him blushing, it was hard to see in the dark.

“Daryl, I swear to God, muzzle him or something before I fucking shove my knife up his ass,” she growled exasperated.

“Shit, a pretty little thing like you, I’d let ya do whatever ya wanted to my ass,” Merle snorted loudly. Daryl looked at him incredulously as the man just continued to laugh. Daryl didn't know whether to laugh or cry, being stuck in here when his brother was clearly high, harassing the poor girl. They knew Charlene somewhat from before the turn. Daryl hadn't ever really spoke to her but he had heard about her. Her father was a preacher, but when his wife died, he became a drunk. Charlene had to take on numerous jobs to pay for everything and it felt like he saw her no matter where he went. The 20-year-old was at the convenience store, the very one they were currently holed up in. He wouldn't say a thing to her, just plonking his shit down and paying for it before he left. Then he’d see her at the diner, he would gruffly order his food and she would serve him, that was that. He'd even seen her serving at the bar a few times despite the fact she was underage. It seemed he couldn’t escape the pretty girl with the chestnut hair and the bright green eyes.

Still, he barely spoke to her, but when Merle was with him, well Merle would be his usual self. Flirting to the point of harassing, saying all kinds of shit that would leave Daryl ashamed of being around him, wondering what she must think of him too. She was always polite though, giving his brother a sickly sweet smile no matter how crude he was. But it became pretty clear since they found her here, if she wasn’t being paid to tolerate Merle, she wasn't gracing him with any of those smiles or putting up with his shit. Daryl couldn't really blame her, he was half expecting her to turn around and shiv his brother the moment his back was turned. 

They had come to the store hoping to find some food. The world had gone to shit and they had been hiding out at their run-down house, but they needed to move. They saw her peaking through the window and as soon as Merle spotted her, that was it. He wouldn't leave until she let them in. She had looked at them warily through the glass at first and Daryl wasn't surprised, but in the end, she had relented, letting them in, and that’s where they had been now for over two weeks. Merle was high all the time, he somehow had a never-ending stash of drugs with him and it was starting to grate on everyone having to put up with his bullshit. Daryl was used to dealing with his brother, but being locked in close quarters with him when he harassed the pretty girl in front of him was really starting to rub his nerves raw.

“Cut it the fuck out Merle,” he huffed, glaring at his brother who was still laughing, off his fucking face. Merle lay down, chuckling still before he started snoring obnoxiously. That they could deal with, it was better than him being awake. Daryl saw Charlene relax visibly the moment his brother fell asleep and he felt bad that she felt so tense around them. 

“Sorry ‘bout him,” he said softly as he twirled a bolt in his hand. There was fuck all to do here and it was driving him crazy. Charlene looked at him, blinking her big green eyes at him. He always seemed to be apologising for the shit his brother did.

“You don't have to be sorry Daryl, it wasn't you,” she sighed, she felt like they had this conversation a billion times a day, yet he continued to say sorry anyway each time his brother was a dick. A silence fell around them but it was comfortable. Daryl had quickly learnt she wasn't much of a talker and he was relieved. Neither was he and it was bad enough when Merle wouldn't stop running his damn mouth.

Daryl glanced about, the shelves were practically empty now and they were running low on anything, they'd have to move out soon and he found his eyes flitting to the girl who was hugging her knees. Would she go with them? He didn't feel right leaving her behind, he was sure she didn't have a weapon, whilst he had his bow and both he and his brother had hunting knives. Part of him thought she wouldn't want to come, he wouldn't blame her with Merle being the way he was. But the thought of leaving her behind left a weird feeling in his stomach. 

“Gonna have to head out soon. Nothin’ left here,” he said, his gruff voice carrying in the small store. He watched her warily for her reaction, seeing how her eyes looked around just like his had. Her shoulders slumped a little and she sighed.

“Where would we go?” she asked, looking over at him in the dark. His heart beat a little faster. We. she wanted to come with them. He didn't know why that made his body flood with relief. He hardly even spoke to the girl unless he was saying sorry for his worthless brother.

“Dunno, need to find some food. Me and Merle can hunt if we need to,” he shrugged, trying to put a plan together in his mind. He knew his brother was too high to come up with anything so he had to take the lead on this one. He wondered about the woods. He would be able to track and hunt easy, maybe even find a little cabin they could reinforce. That would be perfect in his eyes. On their way here he had seen the carnage that the world had turned into, it was a mess. She was watching him intently even through the dark and Daryl lowered his gaze, feeling strange under her eyes. The way she looked at him, like he held all the answers.

He had always felt a little awkward around her. Whenever he saw her in her places of work, if he passed her in the street, she would always give him this little smile. It wasn't the same fake one she would give Merle until he left, it was a real smile and it unnerved him. Everyone around here knew about the Dixons, he didn't know why she wasn't looking at him with the same disdain every other fucker did. She was pretty, it was in a kind of understated way. She wasn't like the usual bitches he was used to at the bar with his brother. The ones who would wear too much make up and barely any clothes. The ones he would fuck in the alley behind the bar after he had drunk too much and his brother had goaded him. She was small, cute even. 

He shook his head with a frown, wondering why he was thinking about it so much. She was there, that was that. There was no way in hell she would be interested in his hick ass, especially when his brother was there to make her feel uncomfortable.

“Ya should sleep, I’ll take first watch,” he rasped, making her squint at him. 

“You say that every night and you never wake me up,” she huffed. He chewed the inside of his cheek, she was right, he didn't wake her for watch. He took both their shifts because he felt bad having to wake her. He wanted to watch over her, to keep her safe. She didn't need to lose sleep keeping an eye out, that was his job. 

“Just get some sleep girl,” he said a little harshly. She just heaved sigh though. There had been a few times he had snapped at her, not because she had done anything wrong, but simply the tension of the situation and his temper. She never seemed phased though, not like she was with Merle. She would just act like he hadn't snapped at her and do as she was told. 

Like always, she lay down, getting comfortable as she lay her head on her jacket that she had balled up. She blinked at him tiredly through the darkness, wondering why he never let her take watch. She wondered if he didn't trust her. Her stomach twisted when she thought about them leaving her stranded here on her own. He wanted to leave, he had said as much, what if she woke up and they were gone? She knew she couldn't defend herself. She had no weapons and it wasn't like she had ever used them. Her skills were serving food or customers in the store, she wasn't really equipped for something like the end of the world. She forced herself to close her eyes, hoping Daryl had some compassion, that he wouldn't just leave her.

“When you leave...Am I coming with you?” she asked, unable to quell the question in her mind. Her soft voice reached his ears and his hand stilled on his bolt as he looked over at her form lay down. He considered asking her if she wanted to, but the idea of letting her have a choice in the matter and her picking the option he didn't like weighed heavy on him.

“Yeah,” he said firmly, holding his breath for a minute like he was waiting for her to argue with him. His eyes bore into her, not that she could see, lay there in complete darkness now.

“Good,” she whispered, a ghost of a smile on her lips, pleased he didn't have any intentions of leaving her defenceless. Daryl's lips tugged into a half smile as he looked away, he couldn't even help himself. He wanted to keep protecting her, to make sure she was safe. She was on her own here, she didn't have anyone. He decided right then she didn't need anyone else, he would be the one to watch over her and keep her safe.

Taglist; @risingphoenix761 @daryldixonandfrogs @arlaina28 @divadinag @keeperofwonderlandus

[somarysueme]

WicDiv Thoughts, some overly personal

stiiiiiillllll can’t really put together my feelings about the end and epilogue.  I will say that I liked the ending and epilogue more than I expected to*, and the longer I sit on it, I find more things to like about it.

(* Except for everything about Baal and Mini)

That said, there’s still that huge, unpleasant gap between what I wanted/expected this comic was supposed to be, and what it actually intended/was. I wrote this post after 43 (the “everyone does the thing” chapter), using bits of a half-written reaction to 39 ("Laura did the thing” chapter) to talk about that gap. I decided to sit on it til everything was said and done Just In Case, but I mostly still agree with what I’d written. 

So Here Are My Thoughts

The full pantheon abdicating! This is basically where I expected us to go. Since 39 it seems like the natural place for the story to be headed. Laura’s revelations, along with the Daddy Forgive Us special made it clear that the only way out of the game was not to play it. I was kinda luke warm on that concept, but it made sense for where the story was at that point. I was waiting to see how it actually played out before getting fussy about it.

I give him a C for execution here. Maybe a C+. 

I thought Dio’s moment was great. Jon’s was beautiful. Inanna’s I definitely could have gotten behind if he’d actually gotten to have any of that arc on the page instead of getting put on a bus 30 chapters ago. 

The rest range from “meh” to “yikes.”

I could have liked this, I wanted to like this. Given how much “OKAY” has been miles more thoughtful than Mothering Invention, I was genuinely hoping to like this. I would have loved to see these kids find something more important than godhood to live for. But that’s not what we got.

We did get them realizing that being a god is not worth dying for. Which is good!  And essential! And basically the central conceit of this comic! 

But.

But...  

I really wanted to see our cast value their lives period. And while there was some of that, there was far more of seeing them be humbled. We saw them beaten down until they had no choice but to admit they Were Not Special (or at least, were not as special as they thought). I was hoping for them to find a capacity to value their lives because their lives have value whether or not they are special, but instead it was a story about being humbled, and I guess to me, I just can’t see that what young queer artists need is help being humbled. They need help being valued as people, they need the internal presence of self to command that value be respected, and they need the external support to give them a fighting chance at that.  And not to be That Fan, but that fighting chance doesn’t come from individual actions. It comes from worker solidarity and respect for labor as labor.  It just doesn’t work for me to have a series around the exploitation and consumption of young talent and leave anything material about money and labor practices out of the material.

(McKelvie’s My (6000 F) pantheon has unionized joke, but unironically.)

Anyway this comic was all about Don’t Let This Happen To You.  And that’s a good start, but I was hoping for it to be so much more than that. It could be that this is me looking at WicDiv and wanting it to say something broader about specialness and creativity and mental illness and exploitation. 

(There’s a lot to be unpacked wrt presenting itself as a story about the whole world through all of human history, while also intending to be  psuedoautobiographical for a very specific set of circumstances. But that’s not this post.)

It’s weird because like, Fandemonium already delivered masterfully on Laura learning to value herself outside of godhood.  Laura’s last pre-apoptheosis soliloquy about “I can’t save any of them, but I can still help them” was one of those wham moments that really cemented this book’s place in my heart. Living through Fandemonium and realizing that the gods were people, and needed actual love and support from people who cared about them as people, and that just being a decent friend is something worth living for, fuck!! That’s good shit!! That’s fucking excellent!! 

And for the rest of WicDiv’s run, I was always waiting for the story to get back to that place, but it never really did. 

 (ETA AFTER 45 IS OUT: ok fine I fucking love that Laura saved Luci. Big Gay Hero Girl drags naughty non-devil out of hell and they kiss, fucking A+. But “can’t save but CAN help” is still something I wish the comic had followed up on more. The friendship thing got touched on a little bit too,  but never in a way I found as satisfying as Fandemonium.)

So anyway Luci going Full Diva. Her future is this and her future is nothing.

The longer I chew on it, the more I like it, and the more it seems like the inevitable place for Elanor Rigby’s story to go. It’s a good continuation from where we last saw her have any scrap of agency, but also frustrating in that “the lat time we saw her have any scrap of agency” was basically the entire comic ago. It was jarring to have her go from [One Sassy Line Per Issue] to [Maybe I’m The Final Boss]. Her story suffered deeply suffered from all the time she spent off screen. But despite all that, I’m very much really looking forward to whatever the fuck Laura Wilson’s going to do about this. 

I’m trying not to get my hopes up for Talk Her Down ending. It seems perfectly in line with this series to end with the moral of “sometimes, no matter how kind or brave or caring you are, people you love pick their addictions over living.” That’s a song I’ve already heard live and in person, and I don’t really want or need to hear anyone else’s studio cover.

Uh final thought on 43 is.... Minanke DOES seem to count herself as part of the 12, which still lines up with my Emily Was Also A Fake God theory (Fauxmaterasu theory? Nokami hypothesis? Amaterasuspicion?) but it does seem unlikely to actually be a Thing between now and the epilogue. shrug.

(ETA AGAIN: I had to write out my feelings on 39 and Laura’s own abdication (unpotheosis?) to properly respond to 43. So here’s a draft of another unpublished post that I fleshed out.)

I have extremely mixed feelings about chapter 39. 

First Feeling: thank fuck the pregnancy plot is over. 

Second feeling: establishing abdication as an option established a nice overarching shape to this book. Things have felt directionless for many chapters, but this does make it seem like we are back on some kind of track.

Third Feeling: kinda liking abdication as a general direction for endgame.  For most of the series, I was hoping the whole that there actually was Something Important about the recurrence, but since it's clear now that it’s basically all lies, I like this this angle well enough.

Strongest Feeling: hell fucking yes to Laura’s shaved head. 

(Tangential Feeling: buzzing your own head is good and you should think about doing it. Doing it for catharsis in a moment of crisis is A-OK, but I did it once just because I felt like it and it was fucking great. banishing your high maintenance hair does not cure depression, but it does give you back an hour of personal upkeep every day and the fuzzy head is wonderful to touch.)

Contrary to most of the fandom, though, I absolutely loathed Laura’s monologue here, and the context that it puts around her not-choice. There’s a lot of shitty Hot Takes out there about how mental illness and addition and creation intersect. A lot of people will suggest that being unhealthy makes you a better artist, and what’s more that being a better artist is worth being unhealthy.  This series is unambiguously and steadfastly against that message, which is one of the absolute best and most important things about it!  I don’t want to diminish that.

But that all said, seeing Laura alone in the dark describing “an addicts moment of clarity” was... jesus it was all kinds of personally painful and upsetting. It hurt real bad, and not in the way I though I had agreed to be hurt. And I’m not sure how to spell out why.

I have thousands and thousands of words on why it struck such a sour cord in me, but a lions share can be summed up with “fuck absolutely every story where a Troubled Girl just needed to get traumatized/humiliated/humbled enough to Realize How Bad She Was Being.” Double fuck this one in particular for showing the girl getting over addiction/mental illness by literally sitting alone in the dark thinking about how much she fucked up.  That story is tired, and cruel, and dangerous, and thank Christ I encountered this comic at 30 and not 19 because I would have swallowed it down with all the other poison that Helpful Adults fed me.

But yeah though, her shaved look is fucking adorable as shit.  Neither she nor Britany made any hair mistakes.

ETA ULTIMATE: That last bit is the one thing in this post I don’t quite still stand by. By the end, it’s clear that the above wasn’t at all the story this book was trying to tell at all. I thought WicDiv was trying to tell some Epic Truths, Hard-Facts-About-Human-Nature shit. But despite the sweeping setup (All Across The World and Through All Of History) the book was using a complex allegory for a very specific situation (Selling Your Soul and Name and Life To Creative-Industrial Machines), and that made it muddy.  

(Insert Principal Skinner meme here “Am I out of touch? Was I simply interrogating the text from the wrong perspective?  No, it’s the original creators who are wrong!”)

I’m from a family of mentally ill, addiction-prone, recovering-Catholic artists.  Laura is in my blood. Half the people I love are Laura.  I have Laura’s painting on my wall and her books on my shelf. I’ve sat with Laura’s mother a few years after Laura’s death, as her father now slowly dying in the next room, and listened to her music for the first time. (It was good. It was really good.  And I never even knew.)

These experiences colored my read, but how could they not?  

I do now, I think, understand what Gillen was trying to say- the addiction he was talking about was to stardom, the attention and accolades, and free pass to make your own shit be everyone else’s problem. I understand now that the “art” that the gods made was always supposed to be Not Real Art, that there was no true “message” from their songs- all noise, no signal. It was never about Laura’s art, or even Laura as an artist.  And that was unpleasant to reconcile.

Because when you're Laura, or Elanor, or any of them, life doesn’t have to grant your ill-advised wish before it fucks your head and kills you. Sometimes you fight as hard as you can with every fiber of your being and you’re still in Hell. Sometimes you’re doing all the Meetings and self-reflection and therapy you can manage and you’re still a Destroyer. But the shit you create while you’re down there is worthy of creating. What you do with your too-short, too-fucked time matters. A fucked up life was still worth living because it was your life to live. And... I guess, from the story presented in Faust Act and Fandemonium, I sort of thought that this was what WicDiv was supposed to be talking about. I thought it was going to be about doing something good even when life is fucking you. But instead it is a cautionary tale that  that suggests you could have stopped getting fucked at any time if you had just gotten over yourself and said the magic words.

We spent half the comic watching Laura drag herself through the mud. Half the comic was focused on Her Mistakes, when so little of her circumstances were actually her fault. “Punish Ophelia until she gets over herself” is not at all what WicDiv meant to be about. I imagine the creators would be aghast to hear that’s what I got out of it. But the text is what the text is.  While it is intended (and successful!) at being many other very good things, this one really bad thing is still part of that mix, and that sucks.

Maybe I should have picked up on the discrepancy between my read and the intent sooner. Probably I should have just done myself a favor and stop reading once I did.

2016, 2017 while my life was going a bit to shit, this comic was exactly what I needed. Being in the fandom made my life better and helped me meet cool new friends and get through some of the hardest shit to happen to me since I was a kid. Then in 2018, it slid into source of frustration and soured promise. Now at the end I have no idea if I liked it or not. 

But that’s fine, now that it’s done. The ink is dry, the ritual is over. It’s just a comic book now.  Some pictures I still love and some words I don’t always agree with. A lot of noise, arguable amounts of signal, but not a song I want to play on loop anymore.

I have no real conclusion to draw here. I respect at how firmly WicDiv rejects dark and unhealthy parts of being a professional creator- especially unhealthy things that are generally just accepted as Common Wisdom. I don’t think it took enough care in spelling out what it was rejecting, though, and I do think it was remiss in not finding good healthy things to embrace as an alternative.

All of the above notwithstanding, I have to give it credit for delivering almost exactly what I wanted in terms of lesbian nonsense. That ain’t nothing.

I give this series ?????/∞ and am happy to be safely clear of Kieron Gillen’s Wild Ride

[babbushka]

Hello! Could you maybe write a little something on how Flip takes care or comforts his partner after they had a really, really bad day? A lot of fics take the POV of the reader comforting Flip when he faces discomfort with his job, the opposite would be interesting to see!

Hello! Thank you so much for requesting, I had a really bad day yesterday myself, so I think this was definitely needed. I hope you’re feeling better today my wonderful anon!

word count: 2k

warnings: mild, vague angst

To say that today had gone poorlywas…an understatement. It had started out well enough, putting you in a goodmood that lasted through most of the day. You had woken up to Flip snoring nextto you, you had roused him with some kisses and the smell of the percolator,and you had kissed him on the cheek as he walked out the door to go to work.All fairly standard, all good.

As the day went on however,things just…kept not going right. Little failures and bad luck scenarios andother people’s attitudes throughout the day that built up and up and up untilthe straw broke the proverbial camel’s back and you had tears of frustrationstinging your eyes. You knew that not every day could be a good day, but fuck,you were having a bad day.

So bad in fact, that you feltvery much like abandoning all the other tasks you had set out for yourself,fancying instead to curl up in bed and having yourself a good cry. That’sexactly what you did, and that’s exactly how Flip found you a couple hourslater when he came home from work.

“Honey I’m home!” Flip called, asmile in his voice as he stepped into the foyer of the home you shared.

You were too afraid that if youspoke, your voice would crack and the tears would start all over again, so youjust hoped that your husband would figure out where you were eventually, andremained silent.

“(Y/N), are you home?” He asked,sounding a little more unsure.

Your car was parked in thedriveway, right? He couldn’t let himself start to think of all thepossibilities of you being murdered or abducted, trying to switch off the copin his brain.

He checked the rooms downstairsand with a deepening frown, climbed up the stairs two at a time to get to themaster bedroom.

“Oh ketsl.” He said sadly, seeingyou curled up on top of the covers.

He could see the way your teartracks stained your cheeks, the pinching of your chin and wobbling of yourlower lip. He wasted no time at all climbing into bed with you, boots still on,and pulling you into his strong arms, giving you permission to let go as hetucked your head under his chin.

“Is everything okay?” He asked,running a soothing hand up and down your back. The physical comfort groundedyour and helped greatly, and you seemed to immediately melt into his embrace.Sometimes, it just felt nice to be held.

“Yeah.” You said, voice muffledby his throat where your lips were pressed against.

“Anyone I need to go arrest?”Flip asked, a joking lilt to the end of the sentence in an effort to get you tosmile, but also deadly serious.

“No, just a bad day.” You pulled awayjust for some breathing room.

Your hair stuck to your face fromthe tears, but Flip softly tugged the strands away from your cheeks and thecorner of your mouth. You looked kind of like a wreck, with your eyes red andnose runny, but Flip just wiped it all away with his hand, uncaring of it beinggross. Your comfort was more important than that.

“Want to tell me about it?” Heasked, not wanting you to feel like you had to keep your feelings bottled up.

“Yeah.” You said quietly with anod. You liked talking to Flip, you liked venting and getting things off yourchest and out of your head.

He smiled reassuringly andsmoothed down your hair, slowly sitting the both of you upright so you wouldn’tget dizzy from the sudden movement after laying down for so long.

“Here, let’s take a bubble bath,hm? Get you warmed up, you’re so cold ketsl.” He suggested, rubbing his handsacross your forearms in an effort to heat up your skin. He wished you had atleast tucked yourself under the covers, not wanting you to be sad and cold.

“Okay.” You smiled at thethought. You loved bubble baths, especially with Flip.

Flip stayed close to you as youboth walked into the bathroom. He plugged the drain and turned on the faucet,turning it as hot as it could possibly go. He already knew the heat bill wasgoing to be high, so it didn’t matter to him if he ran it up a little more ifit made you smile.

He sat on the edge of the tub andgestured for you to move over to him. You did so, and he ever so gently beganhelping you get out of your clothing. With each layer removed, you felt thestress and negativity of the day peel away. Flip kissed every bit of skin thatwas revealed to him as he helped you with your buttons and zipper and clasps.

He kissed you until you weregiggling from his facial hair tickling you, and then he kissed you and tickledyou some more.

He quickly stripped down himself,shutting off the water and getting in first. The water was so boiling hot thathe had to have a mini-internal monologue with himself, psyching himself up toget in it. But he knew you loved hot baths and hot showers, so he braved thescalding temperature, and beckoned you close.

“Come here.” He said with asmile, holding out a hand for you to steady yourself as you stepped in. “Tellme if it’s too hot.”

He knew you liked it hot, but hedidn’t want to burn you and make things worse.

“It’s perfect.” You sighed withsatisfaction as you settled against his chest. You couldn’t help but snort alittle laugh – the tub really was too small for the both of you. In fact, youweren’t sure that Flip would be able to fit comfortably on his own, his kneessticking up out of the water as he had his legs tucked around you.

Flip was glad to see you feelinga little bit better, but he didn’t want to ignore the situation.

“What went wrong, anything big weneed to fix?” He prompted gently, scooping up your hair and wetting it,reaching for the shampoo.

“Not really, just a lot of littlethings.” You sighed, melting under his touch as he began to scrub bubbles intoyour hair, giving you a tall crown of foam that he was careful not to get inyour eyes. “Felt like the day was stacked against me.” You traced littlecircles on his knee.

“Want to walk me through it?” Heasked, and you nodded.

You went over absolutely everything,every bit from the moment he left for work until the moment he came home. Helistened sympathetically, only interrupting to give little apologetic sounds.He dipped your head back and rinsed out the bubbles as you vented about all thethings that went wrong, and massaged conditioner into your ends while you airedall your frustrations of the day. Those damning tears returned, overwhelmed fromreliving the nightmare that had been your day, but Flip rubbed hard circlesinto your shoulders and loosened up the tension there, helping to you calm downonce again.

You finished your ranting andyour venting, and the two of you stayed in the tub until the water ran cold.The water was cloudy from the soaps and shampoos, but neither of you minded.You were resting back against Flip’s chest, holding hands. Flip pressed kissesto your temple, and the two of you were content to just lay there for a littlewhile.

“Did talking about it help?” Flipsaid finally, when he could feel himself starting to cramp up.

“Yes, thank you.” You said,sitting up and stretching. “I wasn’t able to finish my errands though.” You groaned.

“Don’t worry about them, I’lltake care of them on my break tomorrow.” Flip reassured you.

He stepped out of the tub andonto the bathmat, careful that he wouldn’t track water all over while hereached for the soft towels that you liked.

“You sure?” You asked, once againtaking his hand to steady yourself as you stepped out of the tub.

“Mhm. You relax tomorrow, it’s myturn to go out anyway.” Flip smiled, offering you a towel.

“Thanks honey.” You beamed,drying yourself off.

He reached over and unplugged thedrain, watching as you patted the towel over your skin, absorbing the water andthe residual bubbles. He thought you looked so beautiful, skin pink from beingwarmed.

“Do you want to do anything specialtoday?” Flip asked, wanting you to have whatever you wanted. “Watch tv, put ona record, stay in bed and cuddle?”

“Could you read to me maybe? Inthe living room?” You asked, wrapping your hair up in the towel.

“Of course.” Flip replied right away,smiling.

“I like hearing your voice.” Youblushed. You always had, even before the two of you had starting dating allthat time ago. You would find reasons to go to the station, just so you couldhear him tell you everything was fine. Flip found it incredibly endearing, likemost things about you.

“Then I’ll read until we’re outof books in the house.” Flip announced, leaning down to kiss your smile. Yourstomach growled just then, and you realized that you had skipped lunch in allyour distress. “Living room is a good choice, I can get some food in you.” Flipnoted, making you blush with mild embarrassment.

“Love you.” You said with alittle chuckle.

“Love you more.” Flip replied,walking out of the bathroom and into the closet. “You can wear my robe tonightif you want.” He said from the other room.

You loved to wear Flip’s robe. Itwas huge, smelled just like him, and was made of the softest plaid fleece.

“Oh yes!” You exclaimed, pausingfor a minute, “Wait but then what’ll you wear?”

“Don’t you think I can fit intoyours?” Flip said, reappearing in the doorway.

You openly laughed at how sillyhe looked in your fluffy pink robe. Not only was he much taller than you, buthe was also broader in the shoulders than you, and the poor robe with your littlemonogrammed initial on the breast was straining to contain him.

He laughed too, knowing how dumbhe probably looked, but the way you were doubled over was worth a little bit ofhumility.

You in his overly large robe, andFlip in your comically small one made your way downstairs to the living room.Flip reheated some of your homemade soup from the night before, and ladled itinto a big bowl that he put right on the coffee table. He picked one of the booksfrom your favorite pile, and sat on the couch right next to you.

You ate your soup and listened tohim read, and when you finished your bowl, you laid your head down in his lapand continued to listen. He carded his fingers through your slowly drying hair,brushing it out so it wouldn’t tangle and spoke in an even cadence that helpedlull you to sleep.

He made sure to keep readingafter your little snores started to sound, hoping that somehow the words wouldfind their way into your dreams. When he finished the last chapter of theevening, he set it down gently and slid out from under you, careful not to wakeyou up.

He quickly changed the sheets onthe bed upstairs so you wouldn’t have to lay in the same ones as you had criedin earlier, and carried you back up to your bedroom so you wouldn’t get a crickin your neck from sleeping on the couch.

Tomorrow was another day, filledwith potential to be either good or bad, but Flip knew that no matter whathappened, he’d be right there to help you get through anything, the same wayyou always were for him.

Tagging some pals! :) As always, if you’d like to be added or taken off the list please just shoot me a message!  @fullofbees@spinebarrel @oh-adam@dreamboatdriver @bad–bad–man @thecurlycaptain@bourbonboredom@driverficarchive@aweirdlookingtree @rosalynbair@redhairedfeistynerd@adamsnackdriver @glitzescape@arwarz @adamsnacc-kler @kyloxfem @fallin-for-youreyes

[justlightlysedated]

when we see what we’ve become

ten years is too long to keep a part of yourself a secret from the person that you love, or michael got tired of the max evans double standard a long time before liz ortecho drove back into their lives or the one where alex stayed

“i’m telling alex,” michael says after driving in silence for a few minutes taking isobel home after the reunion.

“michael, no,” she says immediately, and michael can see her out of the corner of his eye, turning to face him in the passenger seat, her hands clenched to fists on her lap.

michael clenches his hands around the steering wheel, but then sighs and just leans back in the seat, pressing on the accelerator a little bit harder.

“we made a promise,” isobel starts, already playing mediator in an argument he and max haven’t had yet (or are still having as the case is).

“a promise,” michael grits out. “that max seems to be incapable of keeping whenever liz ortecho is involved.”

he looks over when isobel doesn’t say anything to see that she’s biting her lip and looking away.

“what?” he asks knowing she’s not going to say it unless he asks.

“it’s just,” she starts then stops then starts again. “what if he’s really in love with her? it’s been ten years and he’s acting exactly the same.”

michael scoffs and gives her an incredulous look before looking back out the windshield. “you’re insane if you’re thinking of letting max get away with this because he’s been in love with liz for ten years.”

“what if i made a mistake?” isobel says sounding distraught. “if he’s really in love with her, and he has been this whole time then that means that it was love back then.”

michael stops the car partly because they’re right in front of isobel’s house and partly because he needs to be looking at isobel right now.

“so what you’re telling me is that it’s okay for max to save liz and tell her about the secret we promised to tell no one, but it’s not okay for me to tell alex the same secret when we’ve been living together for ten years?”

isobel looks at him and he knows that she thinks that he’s right, but she won’t go against max.

michael sighs in frustration and tugs his fingers through his hair.

“listen,” isobel says reaching to touch his arm. “remember when you and alex had that giant fight right after high school and you begged max for days to let him let you tell alex, but you didn’t, and you guys are fine.”

michael laughs humorlessly. “we’re fine because he just ignores whatever has to do with this big part of me that i can’t share with him even though he’s basically my husband.”

“you think i don't know how you feel?” isobel snaps. “you think i like keeping this huge part of myself away from my husband?”

michael looks away from her.

“noah wants to have a baby,” she says in a hushed voice so low that michael is sure she didn’t mean to say it.

when his gaze snaps back to her, she’s looking at him with wide scared eyes.

“i keep telling him that i’m not ready,” she says and laughs a little wetly. “to give me some time, but that’s not the truth. the truth is that i’m scared.”

michael inhales deeply and reaches out to wrap his hand around isobel’s arm and tug her in for a hug.

she sags into him, wrapping her arms around his chest and burying her face in his shoulder.

“i want to tell him so bad, sometimes i open my mouth to say the words, but then i think about max and you,” she whispers.

michael understands where she’s coming from because that’s exactly how it is for him, but he’s done with max and all of his rules that only seem to apply to them and never to him.

he waits until she pulls back and is looking at him in the eyes to speak.

“i’m telling alex,” he puts his hand up when she opens her mouth to argue. “liz knows the truth izzy. it’s not a matter of when he’s going to tell her, he already told her. i’m going to tell alex, tonight. i’d suggest you think about doing the same.”

she looks at him for a long time without saying anything, before she’s leaning forward and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“you do what you think is best, and i’ll do the same.”

michael sighs but doesn’t respond.

he starts the truck again while isobel checks her reflection in the rearview mirror.

she smiles at him and then leaves the car.

michael waits until she gets inside of the house before he drives off.

*

every once in a while michael is glad for the long drive to their apartment outside of the roswell city limits. tonight is one of those nights.

he thinks about what he’s going to tell alex the whole drive home, and by the time he parks the truck in the guest parking spot, he still doesn’t know what he’s going to tell him.

he’s had more than enough time to think this through, but in his internal monologue he never gets farther than, ‘i’m an alien’ before imaginary!alex is laughing his head off.

michael walks to the apartment automatically finding himself at the front door before he has time to think about it.

he reaches out and unlocks the door with a flick of his wrist before wrapping his fingers around the doorknob and opening the door.

the hallway is semi dark and silent, the only light source coming faintly from the kitchen.

michael closes the door behind himself with another flick of his wrist and heads for the kitchen since that's obviously where alex is.

michael slows as he nears the entrance to the kitchen when he hears the low humming sound of alex humming along to the guitar riff of whatever song he currently has stuck in his head.

michael leans against the entrance to the kitchen and stares.

alex is standing with his back to him facing the space of counter between the stove and the sink.

the air smells strongly of coffee and michael can hear the light clinking sound of the metal spoon hitting the mug.

michael feels that warm feeling spreading through his stomach that he feels every time that he remembers just how well alex knows him.

alex turns around, spots him and jumps a little, scared, almost spilling the coffee in the two mugs in his hands.

he gives michael a narrowed look but just lifts the mugs up a little, “noah called.”

michael figured that that had been the case.

noah had probably noticed that they had spoken before isobel had gone inside. he’d also probably realized that isobel wouldn’t be the only one who’d need someone after their conversation.

michael pushes off where he’d been leaning and walks over to their small dining table.

he sits down as alex sets the mugs down on top of the table and sits down on the chair closest to him instead of across from him.

michael watches as alex very obviously doesn’t ask what’s wrong, but lifts his mug to his mouth, blowing against the faint steam a little bit before he sips some.

michael grabs his own mug, the heat of the porcelain making the warm feeling in his belly intensify.

this is alex, michael tells himself lifting the mug to his mouth. no matter what, after everything they’ve been through to get to this point, telling alex the truth about the secret that almost tore them apart isn’t going to be what’s going to make alex leave him.

michael has slowly come to the realization over the last couple of years that there really isn’t anything that could make alex leave him, which is something that michael has difficulty admitting to himself let alone anyone else.

michael sets his mug down without taking a sip.

“i have to tell you something,” michael starts and then stops not knowing how to continue.

alex sets his own mug down and looks at michael with clear, open eyes.

“does it have anything to do with the slight power outage that happened the other night in the street where the crashdown is located?”

michael’s mouth falls open a little and he just stares at alex who has that look on his face.

the one that says he knows that michael is about to lie to him, but he’s accepted it about this particular topic.

michael moves before he’s really aware of it, pushing the chair back and falling to his knees right beside alex’s chair.

alex turns in his seat to face him and he looks a little surprised.

good. it’s hard to surprise alex after ten years, but he loves that face he makes when michael does something that catches him off guard in a good way.

alex reaches for him and michael catches his hands pressing them to his heart as he leans up and tilts his chin up.

alex takes the invitation for what it is and presses a kiss to michael’s mouth. michael presses up into the kiss parting their mouths together and kissing alex back with all the warmth that he feels sweeping through him.

he pulls back and presses alex’s hands harder against his chest.

alex rests his forehead on michael’s and just exhales.

michael watches him from this close, eyes closed, dark lashes just brushing the tops of his cheeks, old eyeliner smudged into the corners, the red flush smeared on his cheeks, the roundness of his nose, the part of his mouth, the dip on his top lip and the curve of his bottom lip, all together it leaves michael feeling a little helpless.

he doesn’t think he’s ever going to love anyone else the way that he loves alex.

“i love you,” michael breathes, just barely a whisper.

he sees the way the words change alex’s entire face.

his eyes open and he pulls away a little to look at michael’s face properly.

when he finds what he’s looking for, his eyes go soft and sparkly, and his lips curve into a sweet smile that michael knows belongs to him and him alone.

michael doesn’t say it often, but it’s worth it every time he does for that smile.

“i love you back,” he says leaning in close again and pressing another kiss on michael’s mouth.

michael pulls away when alex tries to deepen the kiss making alex pout at him.

michael looks at him and smiles. he can't imagine his life without this man by his side. and that's the real reason he hasn't told alex the truth, he doesn't want to lose him.

“hey,” alex says softly tugging against the hold michael has on his hands. “where’d you go?”

michael lets his own hands fall to his sides as alex slides his own up the sides of michael’s face and into his hair.

he exhales softly and presses his forehead to michael’s again.

“you don’t have to tell me anything, you know?”

and michael knows that, and that’s why he wants to tell him.

michael inhales deeply and opens his mouth.

*

alex blinks several times and tries to figure out if he’s going crazy, because he thinks he just heard his snarky-codependent-mad-genius boyfriend say that he’s an alien.

michael is still kneeling at his feet, and his hands are wrapped around each other on his lap and he’s still looking at alex with bright clear honest eyes.

and that’s what makes alex stop and just think before he says anything or do anything like laugh his head off at this particularly unfunny joke.

he settles back in his seat and michael sighs a little despondent and a whole lot upset.

“let me think before you jump to your own conclusions,” alex says as gently as he can. but the humor in his voice, makes michael glare at him.

he just gets up from the floor and takes his seat again wrapping his hands around his coffee mug.

alex stares at him. at the way his hair looks like he’d spent the entire drive from isobel’s running his hands through it. at the way his jaw is clenched, and his fingers are tapping against the edge of the mug of coffee that he’s not drinking. at the way he’s breathing a little bit too fast. at the way that he darts looks to alex from the corner of his eye because he has to make sure that alex face doesn’t make a face that shows an emotion that he won’t verbalize.

he doesn’t look like an alien, alex muses. but he supposes that if the goal was survival, an alien could conceivably disguise themselves to look like whoever lived on the planet they landed at.

if he’s being completely honest with himself (suspending his disbelief and trying to keep his skepticism on the subject to a minimum), michael being an alien would explain a lot about his behavior and actions.

what alex doesn’t understand is why michael didn’t admit this back when alex was ready to just walk away because michael was still keeping things from him when alex gave up everything in his entire life to be with him.

the answer comes to him almost immediately.

if michael is an alien, that means so are max and isobel.

alex exhales just a little bit shakily, and michael’s eyes snap to him immediately.

alex raises an eyebrow, “so you’re not immune to the effects of acetone inside of the human body, you’re just an alien?”

michael swallows hard and nods his head once, sharply.

“and the weird symbols you scratch out your equations in aren’t just a form of shorthand, it’s an alien language?”

michael freezes and just stares at him.

“and the fact that your key hasn’t moved since you hung it on a hook in the room, doesn’t actually mean that you did the responsible thing and made a copy?”

he sees michael’s lips twitch.

“and your fascination with foster’s ranch is actually because that’s where an alien spaceship crashed and not because that’s where you took my vir-?”

michael lunges across the table and tugs alex into a hard kiss shutting him up.

alex feels the table moving and can hear the coffee spilling across it, but he doesn’t really care.

he pushes his fingers into michael’s hair and kisses him back.

michael kisses him hard and desperate, teeth biting, tongue pushing, fingers wrapped in his hair in a punishing grip, completely overwhelming. he’s only ever kissed alex like this when he thinks that he’s going to lose him but doesn’t.

michael pulls back, their mouths parting with a wet sound. he leans their foreheads together heavily and just breathes, his eyes closed looking relieved.

alex sighs and runs his hands through michael's hair stopping to cup the back of his neck.

“when are you going to get this through your head?” alex whispers and michael's eyes open slowly, looking at him. “there's nothing you can say that'll make me leave.”

michael just watches him intently before his lips curve into a smirk.

he opens his mouth to speak and alex slides one of his hands over his mouth. “don't ruin the mood, guerin.”

michael licks against alex's palm.

alex makes a face at him and pulls away, sitting back down. michael lets him go and makes a face at the mess the coffee made all over the table.

he goes to get something to clean it up while alex drags his mug over and takes a sip from it despite the fact that it’s dripping on his fingers.

michael comes back with the kitchen towel and the wet sponge. alex reaches over and grabs his mug and watches michael as he cleans up the mess.

this is the first time in three days that they’re both home and awake at the same time.

alex sets michael’s mug down on the clean table and turns in his chair a little to watch michael as he washes and rinses the sponge.

he takes a sip of his coffee and focuses his gaze on the way that michael’s shirt stretches across his shoulders.

“damn,” he hears michael say lowly, before he’s turning the faucet off and tugging his shirt over his shoulder.

alex’s eyes drop all the way down to the waistband of his jeans, and he presses the mug to his chin as he licks along his bottom lip. his eyes go lower and he appreciates the way that michael’s jeans are stretched across his ass and how tight they are around his thighs.

michael turns around, and alex’s gaze follows the same line but up the front.

when his eyes find michael’s face, his lips are curved into an easy smirk, and his eyes are dark with desire.

alex really wants to know more about the alien stuff, and get confirmation that max and isobel are aliens, but it’s almost two in the morning, and alex knows where his priorities lie.

he finishes the rest of his coffee, and sets the mug down on the table.

michael takes several steps closer and alex holds out his hand to him.

michael takes a hold of his wrist and tugs him out of his chair, moving forward quickly to catch alex against his chest.

michael slides his arms high around alex’s waist, and alex slides his hands up michael’s arms, to his shoulders and into his hair.

he watches how michael’s eyes fall shut, and how he shudders, and how he moves into the touch.

alex leans in close, eyes intent on michael’s mouth and says, “take me to bed.”

michael kisses his answer to alex’s lip.

[momestuck]

Epilogues: Candy, Ch 22-26 [Epilogue 5]

/So a lot of heavy shit has happened, though worse is yet to come (I’ve been warned of an onscreen sexual assault in chapter 32).

Everyone’s been having babies and funerals! It’s a busy time.

(note: csa mention in chapter 23, though it does not occur in the narrative)

Chapter 22

This is another John-Terezi text convo chapter. There’s been a three-year timeskip. And... it’s raining ghosts now.

So I guess that’s what became of the whole ghosts in the Furthest Ring thing?

We also learn that, on top of the breeding restrictions, trolls are banned from rising beyond certain levels in government. Jane is, we learn, pretty much running the government behind the scenes, because what makes fascist movements tick is one evil person, obviously.

Karkat’s the one with a backbone at least...

JOHN: and karkat...

JOHN: he’s gone completely off the grid!

JOHN: at first we all assumed that the reason he ran away was because he got fed up with his shitty poly relationship.

JOHN: which was probably part of it, honestly. but now i keep seeing his face on all the resistance posters!

JOHN: i think they may have actually put him in charge?

TEREZI: H3H

TEREZI: 1 4LW4YS KN3W H3 H4D 1T 1N H1M

This situation is only exacerbated by the ghosts. So that means characters who were very definitely dead in the main storyline can show up.

Gamzee has been apparently spreading this religion of ‘redemption arcs’ by ‘making out with people’, and doing some kind of milk-based ‘baptism’. John, meanwhile, asks about the ethics of kidnapping baby Tavros from his horrific parents...

We get to bare witness to Gamzee ‘redeeming’ the ghosts of Feferi and Eridan. Which involves Eridan going on about Feferi’s feet and Gamzee mashing their faces together to make them ‘kiss and make up’.

Jane, it seems, is going full Condesce in more ways than one:

Just then, a dark shadow passes over the park. The crowd falls silent as they raise their heads to watch a drone ship pass by overhead. Its design is insect-like, splitting into many jagged branches, each decked out with weapons and cameras. It’s completely silent, and encased in armor with a bright red finish, smooth and seamless. It’s often cited by Jane as the crown jewel of Crockercorp’s various military contracts with the government.

...including literally building her spaceships, and sending them out over the Troll kingdom.

So we’re basically going to have the Holocaust allegory in here I guess? Fucking hell.

chapter 23

We get more words towards Roxy’s steady character dissolution...

It’s not like Roxy had ever been argumentative, exactly. He just seems to remember someone from his youth who was somewhat more contrarian in spirit than this person he’s married to now.

Back when they were dating, John thought she was acting a little off. Not quite in a bad way, but perhaps a little too “in love,” too fast. At least she still seemed like herself most of the time. But since the wedding, every year that goes by, she seems to become just a little more conciliatory. Not just toward him but toward life in general. She indulges Harry Anderson liberally and almost thoughtlessly. She doesn’t care that her best friend is slowly turning into an executive overseeing the corporate arm up the puppet ass of a ruthless dictatorship. She still thinks Gamzee is being sincere about all this “redemption” bullshit, even though he’s been casting an increasingly dark and hungry shadow behind Jane: a malicious royal vizier to her burgeoning imperial persona.

So John’s going to do something, and hopes that it will make things feel ‘real’ again... which is to say obviously what he talked about with Terezi, kidnapping/rescuing Tavros Crocker. Well-intentioned, but... I do not anticipate this going well.

We learn a little such as... Jane’s planning to outlaw human and troll marriage, which would retroactively hit Rose and Kanaya. Which I guess is the final straw for them. (Frankly it should be well past the final straw for all of them. They should all be with Karkat by this point!)

Also Jane and Jake are in ‘auspistice counselling’. We witness a loud row, in front of Tavros...

TAVROS: It’s fine,,, my parents are kismeses after all,,,

like, fuck.......

It’s a birthday party for Harry Anderson (John and Roxy’s kid), and Jane’s gift is, well, a fucking imperial drone!

sometimes I picture V’s gleeful face as we see the next thing she’s got for us... and now you lick the clown’s armpit... jane’s making the Holocaust but for fictional space aliens...

John awkwardly finds an excuse to be alone with Tavros, to convince him to run away. The kid dialogue is convincingly naive.

The possibility of child sexual abuse (by Gamzee) is raised, but it’s made clear this isn’t the case: what ever else Gamzee is in this version, he doesn’t rape children. However, that the situation is overall abusive in just about every other way is more than clear. Tavros, on his part, seems to be very keen to leave once he’s convinced John can escape Jane’s security.

I have a feeling the imperial drone may become relevant again shortly.

Jade, however, witnesses what John’s trying to do. She insists it will just make everything worse... (also Jake has an ‘execution dance off show’ because yeah...)

Whatever weird character corrosion has hit them is finally raised...

JOHN: if there was another way we would have found it by now!!!

JOHN: but there isn’t one, because everyone’s been all... brainwashed by marriage, or whatever the hell happened over the last few years that made things be this way!

JOHN: it’s like everyone just talks past each other all the time!

JADE: john...

JOHN: i’m the only one who ever seems to realize that something...

JOHN: that something’s WRONG!

Tavros sadly can’t get a word in edgewise as they start having a go at each other - John calling out everything that’s wrong, the way Jade forced a relationship on Dave and Karkat, and... and the noise is loud enough that Jane arrives on the scene.

John finally has a go at her with all the latent awfulness that’s been building up to this point. The fascism, the way she’s treated Jake, the Gamzee thing... the narration has put us very much on his side, centred his perspective, but his friends won’t hear it. And his windy powers destroy the room. So that’s something.

John runs away.

Comment: the mostly strict John viewpoint makes me wonder if there’s any degree of unreliable narration. All the same, most of the stuff is pretty undeniable.

chapter 24

This one begins with an interesting exchange:

JADE [alt-Calliope]: the timelines are interacting again.

ARADIA: ooh do you hear anything interesting

SOLLUX: don’t be s0 n0sy aradia.

To me the implication is that a lot of the ‘arrivals’ in this timeline - alt-Calliope in Jade’s body, the ghosts - are as a result of things that might be happening in the Meat story.

Through alt-Calliope’s eyes, we see Terezi and John’s conversation. Terezi is lost, in more ways than one, in the dreaming void searching for Vriska. She’s also experiencing derealisation... John, apparently in a mood for dropping harsh challenges, tells her point blank that Vriska is either dead, or, not worth her time for leaving her in doubt for so long.

alt-Calliope explains that what is at stake is not the destruction of this universe - but those of them here are ‘the lucky ones’, who live ‘beyond the reach of the prince’. She doesn’t bother to explain what is at stake.

Meanwhile, John and Terezi talk depression. There’s some really vital Terezi dialogue here...

JOHN: please. please come home.

TEREZI: TH3N WH4T

JOHN: umm, i dunno.

JOHN: we hang out and stuff?

TEREZI: JOHN YOU ST1LL DONT G3T 1T

TEREZI: 34RTH C 1S *NOT* MY HOM3

JOHN: do you really miss alternia that bad?

TEREZI: 1 D1D FOR 4 LONG T1M3

TEREZI: MOR3 TH4N K4RK4T 4ND K4N4Y4 D1D 4T L34ST

TEREZI: BUT 1 H4V3 NO 1D34 4NYMOR3

TEREZI: 4LT3RN14, VR1SK4, SGRUB

TEREZI: 1M SO CONFUS3D 4BOUT WH4T 1 W4NT

TEREZI: UGH, 1 THOUGHT TH4T NOT K1LL1NG H3R WOULD M4K3 M3 F33L B3TT3R

TEREZI: BUT 1NST34D 1TS L1K3 1 R3TCONN3D 4 HUG3 CHUNK OUT OF MY SOUL

TEREZI: 1 3R4S3D 4N 4CT1ON OF R3GR3T 4ND GR13F...  

TEREZI: 4ND JUST TURN3D 1T 1NTO SOM3TH1NG 1 C4NT STOP CH4S1NG 4FT3R

TEREZI: M4YB3 WH4T 1 D1D W4S N3CESS4RY TO S4V3 3V3RYON3 3LS3

TEREZI: BUT 1T SUR3 D1DNT S4VE M3

oh terezi....

terezi is giving up. she tells john she texted, echoing his words, to ‘give him the courtesy of closure’. and that she’s going to let herself die, alone in the Furthest Ring.

this is the ‘sweet fluffy’ branch huh

chapter 25

finally an update on what’s going on with Karkat!

he’s been somehow appointed ‘Commander’ of the rebellion, with good old Swifer Eggmop as one of his comrades! I’m so glad Swifer is having a role. Karkat is not all that pleased about the successes of his rebellion:

KARKAT: SO FAR ALL THIS “TROLL REBELLION” HAS AMOUNTED TO IS A WHOLE LOT OF DICK ALL, WITH AN ADDITIONAL SIDE SERVING OF JACK SQUAT, FOLLOWED UP BY A FINAL COURSE OF GETTING TO WATCH OUR TOP ANALYST, CLIPER BORDEN, BEING FORCED TO DANCE TO AVOID LIFE IMPRISONMENT IN A LABOR CAMP ON LIVE TELEVISION AND MAKING A COMPLETE ASS OF HIMSELF.

It’s all a weird mix of surreal and grimdark, much like the Alpha kids’ backstory in Homestuck proper. There’s hard labour camps... making cake; a ‘pastry-based shadow dictatorship’.

Rose and Kanaya are at least involved somewhat in the troll rebellion, and transport of the Mother Grub has been arranged.

Anyway, Karkat’s typically grumpy internal monologue is interrupted by the sudden arrival of Meenah from another dimension. A living Meenah - equipped with a Ring of Life. John asks if she got it from Calliope, but Meenah insists she did not. (Possibly she got it from Andrew Hussie himself? I’d have to watch Cascade again probably...)

Meenah, it seems, is fresh from battling Lord English - apparently without success. But her massive army of ghosts arrives with her... and she’s willing for Karkat to take charge and order her around, as long as he does it with a suitably commanderly demeanour. Does this mean the rebellion now stands more of a chance? Meenah is ruthless (she was the Condesce in another life), though capricious... Karkat is honest and direct and angry about the right things, but rather prone to getting lost in it.

Also he still won’t text Dave, and won’t let Rose talk to him about it.

chapter 26

Back to John, who’s thinking about messaging Terezi again - presumably in the hope that she is not, in fact, dead?

He’s getting a good old mope on about the seeming fakeness, non-’canonicity’ of life on Earth C. But after some ‘melodramatic contemplating’ in this vein, he’s interrupted by his dad’s car.

I’m going to be very curious if the Meat route explains how all this stuff got into the Earth C universe.

Unfortunately, what John finds in the car is... not his dad, but a bit of Terezi’s blood. From which he concludes... he’s never going to see her again, there was never even a possibility of it.

Feeling derealisation more than ever, John just screams a lot.

Damn lol, this story is making me care about John Egbert of all people!

epilogue 5

This is the episode where the whole idyll comes crashing down. Things aren’t ok, things weren’t going to be ok, trying to pretend things were ok just made everyone miserable.

I am sufficiently depressed that that rather appeals as a narrative - much more than a ‘happily ever after’ ending. But it’s not over yet.

Hopefully there’s yet hope for the characters I like to find some manner of escape from this latest hell, develop out of the worst selves they’ve built... Roxy, at least, I hope can change, stop being this non-person...

[13unknownmind]

The Arrowverse is back Arrow S7E3

Aight yes y'all we are back with Arrow... I was supposed to get this up yesterday along with legends but I had a family day instead and I am happy I did. I did however have the opportunity to get my notes down and am fully prepared so let's get to it.

In mate 4587 we gonna talk about this dude.

"I know everything there is to know about Diaz and the Longbow Hunters." Felicity has been #obsessed she wants her husband back and her son to be able to come home and I can't blame her.

Side note: I say this allot but The League of Assassins was even afraid of the Longbow Hunters.

"it was his choice to put on that hood and it was his choice to turn himself in." Amanda Watson, saying this is just her way to direct the blame to Oliver.

"you probably don't even have a liver... Just muscle." this was in my opinion one of the dumbest things said on this show but little dude is the FNG so it's whatever can't be mad.

Just a little thing from last episode when Oliver got that dude removed from slabside he got the last and only clean guard removed from the place... So now we got bigger problems.

I really want to know who this "Demon" is cause he sounds bad but I don't think he is honestly... He could be something Oliver knows personal and this could he easy for real.

Oh my gosh the diggles I love this family and the way they are together, I have finally gotten to see them all together Lyla, John and J.J.

Now this was one of my personal favorite moments from this episode.

Lyla - "It'll be like a second honeymoon." Aww

John - "yay with Curtis." Sarcasm lol

Lyla - "well Deadshot and Cupid came with us on our first." This line was well delivered.

John - "no that is not our first honeymoon. Our first honeymoon was in Hawaii Remember? The Hammocks by the beach." That sounds great.

Lyla - "Hawaii was nice." She said that with such a happy smile.

John - "Hawaii was really nice." He probably remembers that time vividly.

That was a great interaction, the moment was great.

Now this is right after that just finishing the part of that moment when they are talking about "love on the front lines" if you will.

Lyla - "we make a good team."

John - "we make the best team."

This was great and I am loving the diggles more and more. J.J. has grown so much over the time he has been on the show and the Diggle family has grown as a unit of characters, it's great.

I am so sappy lol but married couple moments like that are just adorable.

All right fast forward a little bit now we are in the Europe with the team on a mission. John and Lyla are trying to bust a bank and they brought Curtis lol and this dude right before they close the van door.

"can you get me a free toaster?" ...Good job Curtis *drops head and shakes it dramatically back and forth*

Felicity Smoak the best hacker in the world fixes a way to defeat Diaz and it... almost succeeds. If Oliver was there I can tell you it would have succeeded. But sense it's to get him out of prison that's not a thing.

Aight little dude internal monologue is meant to be just that. I don't know why he's steady talkin' but again FNG lol

I also just wanted to point out that Oliver is ambushed by three dudes and whoops all three of them by himself after having been stabbed by himself.

"you don't summon the demon, the demon summons you." This is sounding almost like a cartelish situation.

"the only way to the demon is through brick, there's a system that's how this place works." "Well looks like I'm going to force brick to make good on his deal." This was good, you can see Oliver is done and ready to get this BS over with.

Amanda Watson FBI agent lady working with the Overwatch.

The team comes in the traps fully set let's see how this goes.

Amanda - "you thought about getting to Cyber Security... Legally?"

Felicity - "I haven't done legally in a very long time."

This part was great cause this is a vigilante and an FBI agent lol

See the system sucks but it is the way it is so all can be treated fairly... Except good people and the bad folk don't get what they deserve.

Now back over to Digs team.

Curtis - "sometimes secrets are good in a marriage you know keeps the spice alive... actually don't quote me on that I'm actually divorced. what are you going to do?" Well done Curtis well done.

Then when Diaz and the Hunters are walking in and through the lad "so inhumane." This coming from a long bow hunter... #Millennial serial killer moment lol

And we also have this jem-

Felicity - "Frac... fracFracFRAC!"

Renee - "better sounds Felicity."

There shortly after we get this which is another of my favorite moments in this episode.

Felicity - "How about I saved the details of acoustic injection cyber-attacks for post Mission happy hour." I loved this so much cause you got the intelligence shining through one of the most smart alec remarks to be on this show yet.

I'm really loving the silencer vs. Canary and Siren battles being a reoccurring thing.

Another side thing: Does anyone actually have a ship name for Dinah and Laurel??? Please let me know, 'cause that is a ship I am on.

Felicity - "I can't hack it but I can track it." Go on girl with your bad self and your rhymes lol #bars

I'm very curious Okay so let's retrace our steps to when they're walking into the actual lab one of the two Hunters that is with Diaz makes a comment about what her darts could do with the stuff in the lap the different chemicals and compounds and I'm over here like girl you're a Longbow Hunter take whatever you want. Are they not known for being the best of the best and doing whatever it takes to get there I'm just saying I'm a little confused on that one.

Going to the next part here we can't get the doors closed and Felicity is trying everything... Watson ready to give her life up... Is that just part of her job 'cause she was ready.

Clearly from what we can all see hear Dinah and Laurel are setup to defeat the silencer together 'cause you know #PowerCouple this is gonna be fun.

Aight Watson I know you've done lot of stuff, probably been on quite a few missions as well but did you really think pulling the FBI thing would work on Diaz and THE LONGBOW HUNTERS???

Another thing and this is just something that I'd like to point out to the masses... The Longbow Hunters are amazing okay I love them I love the characters and I love the concept... That being said they are going 1v1 against team arrow and hardly holding their own like for real give it another 5 minutes and Diaz not intervening and the Longbow Hunters would have been whooped.

"on a scale from 1-unemployment" lol that was good thank you Felicity.

Meanwhile back at slabside

"if I don't try to kill you" meaning he knows that he's not and would not be able to kill Oliver.

Turns out dude might not be the worst guy in the world I mean he did save Lyla.

And over to Europe again we go.

Lyla all she's trying to do is keep Dig and J.J. safe and keep dig out of what he doesn't want to be in.

All right now we're getting to my favorite part of the episode overall...

THE FIGHT! Sampson vs The Green Arrow... Begin lol (if you know what I just referenced congrats your old as well.)

Yo my boy Oliver here took a bit of a disadvantage at the beginning cuz Samson tackled him when he wasn't looking. in all actuality it's all good because after a couple blows to the Torso and one hit to the Head you can clearly see Oliver's done so he comes back with a tackle of his own after looking at his freshly reopened stab wound and starts going whatever it is that is beyond H.A.M. and we can clearly see he is not letting up. one busted arm and probably a busted a hand later all of her flies up to the balcony to deal with brick. Brick thinks that Oliver can't be a worst of the worst guy huh... Ok well as soon as Oliver proves him wrong he gestures with a little unspoken "well played" and Oliver is carted off to his cell by the guards.

Now moving back over to Europe we come back in on the lovers dispute if you will... If that's even called the dispute.

John - "Lyla I'm sorry, I was wrong." Man first we see dig remember the first honeymoon good job, now we're hearin' this man apologize and fully admit to being at fault. Ladies and gentlemen this is a man who has marriage down to a tee. From what I understand that's how a marriage works one of you has to realize that you need to apologize and one of you needs to realize and admit that you were wrong if you actually got in a fight with your spouse. This is a beautiful thing for real.

I also now we moving back over to Felicity and Renee's team in Star City...

Food City in Renee captured silencer (exactly what I figured would happen.) And I assume are going to interrogate... Apparently her name or call sign is Honor.

And now we cut two Diaz who has been po'd for a while, I really cannot blame him you know being siren screamed off of roof and having his bones shattered on the water's surface... He was already a sociopath and now it's even worse greeaaaaat. Oh and now he has super strength¿ We going to see what happens next.

Again back at slabside

Now that Oliver is headed to level 2 we're probably going to see one how he gets out and definitely going to see two who this Demon is... I'm figuring it's somebody Oliver knows from his past and they going to figure out something... I don't know what but something big is probably going to happen.

Now I can only assume like I said that we're going to see an interrogation next episode with Honor/Silencer so that's going to be fun and probably a really angry Dinah... I hope to also see more Diner and Laurel interaction cause we all know that anything to do with the silencer seems to have Dinah or Laurel involved.

(if you couldn't tell I am shipping them so hard)

Now what I always love doing is giving my final thoughts so... Let's do it.

Is Oliver going to stay in prison for the majority of the season and make his way out around crossover time?

I honestly think the demon might be connected to the bratva somehow.

What is Diaz going to do now that he has that strength?

Are they going to make Diaz overpowered enough that he can take on all three Longbow Hunters at once because they're like insubordinate or something and try to overthrow in but he ends up whooping them or whatever?

I have a feeling it's going to be Renee Faison one-on-one against the only dude Longbow Hunter...I want to know what that Shield is what's going on with that cuz there's more than just a shield going on. Yes I'm a nerd get over it.

Will silencer squeal? How are they going to interrogate her/get the information they need?

Please tell me it's not just me shipping Dinah and Laurel.

Who all is in level 2 of slabside cuz I know we're probably going to see some baddies from the last six seasons.

Is it just fictional shows or are all prison guards dirty?

I am so stoked for the rest of this season because I am loving this, they've brought it back from where it was and at really getting Arrow back on track.

Aight y'all so I guess that's it I've got some other stuff to say but nothing that I think is worth the time so if y'all like this please let me know I would love to hear your thoughts if you've read all the way to this point you are awesome and if you haven't you're still awesome I will be working on Legends tonight and probably posting it tomorrow because schedule and life so be looking out for that it will be out before the next episode of Supergirl so will Flash because I have a lot to say about Legends and Flash but anyway as always I hope you all are well feel free to fill me in on any thoughts you have and any information about the shows that I am avoiding or ignoring or whatever it seems that I'm doing. I do apologize for not keeping up on real life stuff but I'm too lazy lol if you did enjoy this like I said let me know like it whatever and check out my other posts under the tag [ #my thought on the arrowverse ] also as always y'all God bless stay chilling and I will catch you on the flippity flop. ✌️

[movedto-dazaipositive]

one guess where this started. couldn't have done it without @taggianto 💜 you.

CW: rape and resultant pregnancy; severe self-worth issues; mentally ill character with wrong ideas about what constitutes mental illness.

so, I've got a running headcanon that Kent's mom is alcoholic and she has ptsd.

rape & pregnancy TW // she was raped in college and that's how she got pregnant with Kent. she kept him out of choice, but she loves him no matter what

but that doesn't change the fact that she has ptsd and for many years while she was working 3 jobs to keep them alive and Kent on the ice, and she had to get through somehow. so she drank at home

and she wasn't ever really there for Kent. she couldn't be, between drinking and working. does Kent resent her? I don't think so. I don't think he knew it was even an option until he met the Zimmermanns and Jack

and saw the way they behaved with each other. but he loves his mom and he'd do anything for her. it's why he sticks with hockey even when it hurts–his mom worked hard to get him where he is, and he can't let her down now

but she crashes around the time Kent is 16/17. she's no longer got Kent around to survive for, and it really messes her up. and Kent watches Jack and his mom crash and burn, up close and from afar, and it fucks him up

like, bad. he can't stop thinking that it was him, that he's the reason they're the way they are. that he's the only thing they have in common and they're both–the way they are, and it must be him. it must be Kent

jack's OD breaks Kent, pushes him over the edge of a cliff he was already clinging to with his fingertips. he shuts down completely and only surfaces to a) send his mom to rehab with his first NHL paycheck b) and play hockey

he withdraws completely. cuts himself off from human contact at the exact time he needs it the most. he spends his rookie year with the Aces Captain, Patty, his wife and their two kids, barely holding on to his humanity

it's a good thing the team forces Kent out regularly, because otherwise he'd turn into an Actual Hockey Robot. it's not that he isn't friendly with them–he plays beautiful hockey and laughs and chirps with the rest of them, but there's something off about it. he's skittish and awkward, and he gets this look in his eyes sometimes, like he survived something awful but not really.

like he isn't all there. they worry about him. he's too small and too good at hockey and he needs someone to watch out for him

the first year, it's the whole team. all how-many-ever of them, looking out for Kent on and off the ice. the second year, Jeff comes to them

Jeff is...good with Kent.

Jeff's been playing on the NHL for a couple years, got drafted third or fourth to the Seattle Schooners. he's a good teammate, dryly funny, chirps that take a second to sink in. he plays good hockey, not as good as Kent, but good.

but he seems to know, instinctively, what Kent needs at any given moment

Jeff drags Kent into being social and actually, y'know, forming meaningful connections with other people by giving Kent puppy eyes until Kent agrees to hang out with Jeff and teammate of the week

and Kent, horribly unused to being someone people want to spend time with and nearly incapacitated by loneliness after a year of next to no human connection, says yes every time

and Kent is a person? under that weird obsessive hockey robot exterior? he's fun to hang out with. he's even funny. he's a bit a total dork and likes helping people and he always knows a good place to eat

so people on Kent's team start to seek his company even without Swoops around and Kent goes ? but he doesn't like to let people down or say no

Kent is still like, messed up inside. he doesn't sleep well and there are a lot of days when he won't get out of bed of he doesn't have to. but he's still trying

except... he's not trying to be better at Humaning for himself. he's doing it for Jeff and the people who depend upon him to show up and entertain their kids for two hours so they can go on a date

the only thing that's changed is the manifestation of Kent's chronic self-sacrificing and the people who receive it.

and Kent is honestly trying really hard and overcompensating for a year of not being a good Human Person so he swamps himself in helping people and overworks himself

and it's Jeff that picks up the pieces of Kent's dumbassery. it's Jeff that calls people to let them know that Kent has the flu, no they haven't been to the doctor yet, yes he's mostly okay he's puking right now, so no he can't come and take care of your kids Patty find a fucking babysitter you're a millionaire jfc

(Patty is kind of a dick)

Kent: [in between puking] but I promised

Jeff: shut the fuck up

Kent's bedridden for almost a week. he misses two games, both of which the Aces lose

it's during this week that Jeff realises just how fucked up Kent is, because in the middle of puking his guts out and shivering under six blankets he still finds time to blame himself for everything that goes wrong in that week. e v e r y s i n g l e t h i n g. it's not really Kent's fault, being sick pulls down all walls that keep him from airing the constant internal monologue of self blame and loathing, but Jeff calls his cousin Rashmi and has a slight breakdown

well, I say slight. he nearly cries

Jeff needs to talk about how much Kent is hurting and omg I never knew im a terrible friend eeeee

she tells him to a) calm the fuck down b) don't take this so personally, you can't help him if you think you're the one to blame, he's doing that already c) here's a bunch of helpful links on how to deal when you think your friend might be mentally ill

Jeff tries to be subtle about bringing up the 'you might be mentally ill thing'. Kent, however, is not dumb. he catches on to this really fast, and panics hard. his only experience with mentally ill folks is his mom and Jack, and they are not a good place to start–both addicts who've been unintentionally emotionally abusive to Kent. Kent draws the best conclusion he can with this data pool. the conclusion is I am a horrible person who will soon be drug addict and hurt the people around me, whoops time to Shut Down

Kent [shutting down] I am a horrible person that deserves nothing good, ever. Jeff: nO Kent: I can't hear you over the sound of my self loathing Jeff: N O

and Jeff does not know how to deal with a Kent who's gone straight back to rookie year levels of skittish I-am-a-virus-don't-touch-me. the team, on the other hand, knows perfectly well how.

or, at least, they know how they dealt with it. but they're hockey players, with the combined emotional intelligence of a nail clipper, and when they tell Jeff about it he's horrified. so he figures out his own methods–he sticks as close to Kent as possible while not overwhelming him, and he does his best to be Supportive

it is difficult to be supportive when the person you are Supporting does not want to be supported. so he does his research, and hits upon the perfect solution

he goes to the local pet shelter and asks for the most unlikely to be adopted kitten, because he knows that Kent has a soft spot for hopeless things

they give him a three month old Calico, blind and almost certainly headed to a shelter without a no kill rule

Jeff: ......I'll take it

Kent is baffled and enchanted. Jeff really thought it'd be harder to sell this to Kenny, but Kent's holding squirmy, curious little kit, already babytalking to her, asking her if she knows what a pretty princess she is, yes you are, aren't you and Jeff has a second where he thinks Oh, shit

bc this more humanity and interest than Kent has shown in almost a month, and then Kent is turning to Jeff to ask him questions about raising cats that Jeff didn't even know were a concern, but clearly this is making Kent happy, so Jeff gives him a book he'd picked up at the recommendation of the volunteer at the shelter, and drives Kent helplessly to the pet store and watches as Kent buys cat shit off Amazon

Kent doesn't realise she's blind, at first. kit (Jeff named her) has large golden eyes that are permanently dilated. Kent only figures out she's blind when he's sitting on the floor watching her toddle around, and she keeps walking into his outstretched legs. Kent calls Jeff in a panic, asking him if he knows what's with kit's eyes, and Jeff thinks I knew I was forgetting something

and then he explains the situation to Kent, and Kent reacts exactly the way Jeff expected him to–with a sudden fierce dedication to kit, even more so than ten minutes ago when he would have died for her

Kent cat-proofs his house–he pours a lot of time and money into getting everything exactly right so Kit needn't suffer more than necessary. he lavishes Kit with all the love he's capable of–and he's always capable of a lot more love than he thinks–and makes sure that everyone coming to his house knows that one move that frightens Kit is more than enough to get them banned

so Kent pours himself heart and soul into loving kit. he spends every second he isn't on the ice taking care of his beloved baby princess

and it's incredibly healing. he knows he has to get up in the morning and come back after runs (not walk into traffic) and that he has to get done on the ice so he can come back to her

and it's incredibly healing. he knows he has to get up in the morning and come back after runs (not walk into traffic) and that he has to get done on the ice so he can come back to her

there's a period of like, six months, where the only reason Kent does anything at all is because kit needs him to. and he won't let himself think about how Jeff could also maybe take care of her. he won't.

his mom's rehab clinic is expensive but ridiculously intensive and extensive. it's almost 14 months of rehab and therapy and relearning hire to be a person without addiction, as well as working through whatever led you to seek addiction in the first place

Diana Parson comes out of it changed. she feels more like a person than ever before in her life. she feels whole, healed still, but so much better

so she goes back home, and Kent is in Vegas depressed as fuck, and his mom is in New York living for herself, and doing things she loves, and discovering herself outside of therapy

she comes back home at a time when it's incredibly difficult for Kent to do even basic things like have a conversation. so all through the season, he doesn't visit her and he can't even summon up the guilt.

and her therapist tells her it's okay, that he needs time too. and she loves him and she gives him the time she needs, but she also decides that she's stable enough to foster a child

which goes well! Lydia is 7 and slightly untrusting but Diana has patience and love and she's been reading and she's financially stable and she has time (ask things she didn't have with Kent). she has time to ask Lydia how her day went. time to play and talk and do bonding activities with just the two of them

and soon enough she and Lydia love each other so much! and they have rough times but they get through it.

the season ends. and the aces lose. and Kent is probably even worse than before. and someone suggests that since the aces will no longer be in town to make sure that Kent buys groceries/stays a person, hey you should go visit your mom!

so Kent, depressed and hating himself, gets to watch his mom get her big second chance

and he tries do hard not to be bitter but it's killing him. he keeps wondering what his life would be like if he were Lydia. if he had a financially stable supportive mom. and he can't blame his mom so he blames himself

he blames himself for needing more than she could give him. because she did her best and she raised a pro NHL player and he doesn't have any right to expect more

and one night it gets so bad that drives himself to Jeff's place

this would be okay but Jeff actually lives in Canada

he's just. in this place where Jeff is the only person that Kent knows won't hurt him

and he's so, so tired

and Jeff, chilling with his family, suddenly has an armful of distraught sleep-deprived Captain

and he's just like ......sorry I gotta take this

Kent knows where Jeff lives bc he's been there at least once before

and Kent just. breaks down. he cries for hours. and Jeff can't do anything except drag Kent up to his room and cuddle him while he cries and pet his hair. Kent cries himself to sleep, but he wakes up with Jeff wrapped around him and there's like, 14 seconds where he just feels safe and good because Jeff's there and hugging him in bed so something somewhere must have gone right

anyway Kent wakes up and gets dressed with Jeff hovering gently over him, knocking into him once in a while to make sure he's okay

(like when cats wind around your feet because they're excited to see you. except they might trip you up. the issue w Jeff is that he is Big)

he finds his phone in some weird corner of his car and plugs it in. and finds out that he has 200+ missed calls from his mom

because his mom doesn't have the numbers of any teammates she can call and she's been so worried and he feels Horrible for Being This Way

so he calls her. and she picks up on the second ring and she's been having panic attacks and flashbacks for 4 days and she doesn't remember parts of her therapy

so she yells at him. and Kent is still way too fragile to handle this but he also has to do this? and he just. panics

mother-son bonding via hyperventilating to each other on a phone line

but Jeff gets so mad on Kent's behalf, and pulls the phone out of Kent's hand and cuts the call.

but then he feels guilty so he sends her a quick text message to let her know that Kent is safe and he'll call when he feels better

and the next few days are just Jeff hugging Kent and Kent wearing Jeff's clothes everywhere because he didn't bring his own

and when they kiss it's just so natural? Kent stops hiding how much he wants Jeff. it's too much work. and Jeff is close to Kent almost all the time. and they're so stupidly in love that Jeff's older brother walks into them making out against the kitchen counter and moon walks back out

they make out for so long that every member of Jeff's family sees them and walks back out.

[annasbones]

Musings

Ok so now I’m on the laptop its easier to type and let it all out.

My life right now is revolving around two major subjects; Jakob and intermittent fasting/weight loss.

Jakob first.

This time last week I was a wreck. I was crying and struggling to comprehend that he had gone. It was made worse by the fact that he couldn’t get home in the way he originally planned to and it turned into a massive 30 hour journey or something stupid. i was relieved when he let me know he was back at his family home.

Since then I have had bad days where I miss him terribly and wish he would come back. Wish it would be back to how it was and that he never left. In actuality it was never perfect. He was a damaged, unhappy soul. I could not fix that. We had good times but ultimately Sunday night always came around and he would be sad. I’ve never been with someone who struggled with those types of mental problems. He was a fragile man in many ways but also a truly loving and caring one. It was exhausting for me sometimes to stay afloat and not drown with him. I think his decision to give up, quit and leave was wrong. He quit so quickly and it then happened very fast. 

But now he is gone. It’s 1 week later and he isn’t coming back. I mentioned the idea of ‘do you think its weird that we were still talking but will never see each other again?’ and he said no/doesn’t try to think about it. That is fair enough. I wanted him to say we will see each other again in some capacity. I would go to him in a heartbeat. I can’t imagine him coming back here. I need to move my life forward and so does he. I’m worried for how his future looks... Germany is not coming out of lockdown anytime soon and he doesn’t have any income. IDK about unemployment money but it’s just another thing that irks me - how or why couldn’t he continue to work at VF for just a few more months. So he could job skip. I know it’s a regret of his but oh well... He will move into a new place and then get back to normal I hope.

For us i want to feel like we’re not just exchanging formalities. Now we’re over the initial shock period it is time to heal. But I want to talk to you all the time and tell you about what’s going on in my life - vice versa. Apart from when it comes to girls/guys. I don’t want that for at least a year... I’m just not ready. We had such a fail relationship really. Maybe when he is back working and things are a little more normal we can get more flirty... last week wasn't ideal as hashtag period was a happening. 

So for today its the 8th February 2021 i think... I miss you and want to be back in your arms more than anything else. But I will let you go eventually. x

Second topic of discussion featuring in my internal monologue... IF and weight loss!

So, after he left 7 days ago I found that my appetite was shot. I didn’t eat for almost 3 days and felt so defeated. I had a takeaway on the wednesday and then ate again on Friday. i then ate on Sunday. So during the weekend i realised what I had essentially been doing was intermittent fasting. And it wasn’t super hard. I’ve buried myself in the subreddit and have bigged up myself on peoples stories of losing 15lbs in the first month etc and decided it’s something I will commit to.

I didn’t weigh myself last Monday so i can’t really claim weight loss. Right now i’m hovering around 201/2lbs which isn’t my highest but urghhh it’s big enough. Way too big. I had a think and if I am really good and actually stick to this thing I could lose some serious weight. First goal is 180. When i was hungry at the weekend I said to myself ok you can order a bird/take out whatever when you see 18x on the scale. It will have been early 2018 when i last weighed 185 or something. That will be a big achievement for me. So at the moment I am fasting and eating a big calorie deficit. I hope when i go to write my next entry I will be lower lower lower. I just need to avoid alcohol. 

Now what I haven’t put is my long term goal and why. I want by summer time to have lost 50lbs. I want to look at myself and feel good. I want to have DONE THAT. I also want to do this... there isn’t a way of typing it any differently or saying it but i want to do this to look good for HIM. I always struggled with the weight difference between Jakob and I. I couldn’t feel sexy around him. So when I do hopefully get to my magic 150... in my stupid head i will think yes now I can initiate us seeing each other again and hooking up. It sounds INSANE but I want him to want me and to think i LOOK GOOD. That is good motivation and drive. It was not a horrible break up but I sure do feel bitter about it. Like ok i’m going to go full ex gf hotness on your ass and make you regret everything.

... Which is dumb. because he was always going to leave no matter how good the pussy was. I mean today even he said ah if i had worked at vf until april whilst living in GERMANY i could have saved 5k or something. pfft. 

So i guess you could say i have 2 goals: 50lbs and to”get my manz back”. one of those is likely to not happen. i’ll check back in...

So yah as of today I'm 201/2ish. I had a meal yesterday that finished around 2:30pm and then i ate at 12:30pm today. It was a small meal maybe around 500calories and I don’t plan to eat again until tomorrow around the same time. Hell, I might even fast buuuuut i gotta eat that pepper.

I am also doing apple fitness+ which whilst is not super motivating it is something to do and it’s free for now. i really hope the weight starts to drop off.

i think that’s it?? I am still doing my german duo lingo which is kind of pointless but one day I will go back to germany and who knows, maybe i’ll see jakob maybe i won’t, but my German will be GOOD! It’s good to have goals. it’s good that I have this free time and availability to do whatever the fuck I want... I can fast and not worry about feeding someone else for however long.

it’s hard to keep up with friends. i love them dearly but sometimes i just don’t want to reply. 

i hope by the beginning of March which is in 3 weeks i will be down to 193. and then by the beginning of april it will be 180. see where I'm going with this? k I'm going to have a pee now and then do 20 mins of apple yoga. peace