#i think it might be ocd but i havent been diagnosed | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

toonfinch · 8 months ago

Text

this is all i will be saying about the matter because this is stupid as fuck. its a bit long but its mostly for me, not for others to read. but feel free to.

i deleted my post on r/badroommates because i got sick of arguing with idiots online and havent responded to anything because reddit temp banned me for calling myself slurs im allowed to say lmao. im gay and trans. this will go on reddit when i am unbanned. for now it stays here.

i am paying rent, i owe my roommate, u/azzyisjazzy zero dollars. he did cover two months for me because i lost my job and struggled to find a new one, then when i did it lasted like a month because the temp agency ran out of work for me to do. he knows this btw hes just a liar. he heard the phone call because it was on speaker. but i paid him back completely and have paid our most recent bills with zero issue. i am literally at work while writing this. i am on track to make rent just fine. when i said i have $10 its because i had to buy warm weather clothes because i have none. its been hot.

the way he describes my suicidal ideation is making everyone think i do this repeatedly, i did it once. on my tumblr blog, i was not thinking about how it may hurt people, when azzyisjazzy and his friend, u/dizzy_elk_6491 and my friend all had a conversation about it, nobody acted concerned, azzyisjazzy only told me that if i were to actually hurt myself and he never reported it he may lose his job. he was never concerned about me lol. either way, i realized that watching people be suicidal is stressful and i also didnt want to be forcibly hospitalized so i nuked my blog so i can vent safely. i am not suicidal at all and havent been for a while, by the way. interestingly, current roommates friend dizzy_elk_6491 has threatened suicide when things didnt go his way before. he threatened suicide when my friend wanted to break up with him. later my friend found out that dizzy_elk_6491 had been lying about his boundaries in order to keep my friend in a relationship. he did not ignore boundaries whatsoever, there were none said. also, they were literally stupid teenagers.

azzyisjazzy was cool with sharing groceries until suddenly he wasnt, i did not have enough money at the time to also buy the same amount of things he was. we literally went shopping together several times and he told me to pick things out so obviously i thought it was fine? he just sucks at telling people when hes bothered. if he didnt suddenly lock the fridge just as i got a decent job (i was saving up money to pay him back for everything, i still could not afford a substantial amount of groceries) then id have replaced everything i ate. which was like....eggs and milk and coffee. i was mostly eating my own food lol. he ruined all the food i had in the fridge at the time which probably comes out to the amount i owe him for what i ate so ill call that fair.

i do not have bipolar disorder, i do not know where anyone involved got this information. i was on lithium, but it made me worse. gave me worse anxiety and made my eyeballs twitch. not exactly a medication that works. i tried several medications that did not work. i was also accused several times by past roommate, u/finchsexroomate and their friends that i have borderline personality disorder. i thought i might but several doctors told me otherwise. so far the only mental issues im pretty sure i have is major depressive disorder, autism, anxiety, and ocd.

intensive outpatient therapy also did not work, i was having panic attacks every morning because it was not the type of therapy i require.

currently working on getting insurance so i can get trazodone, which works. because i am diagnosed for major depressive disorder. the doctors asked me the pointed questions clearly about bipolar disorder but i dont have manic and depressive episodes. on the other hand, azzyisjazzy has said he is manic. maybe he meant it in a quirky way, but whatever.

i...didnt get mad at azzyisjazzy and his friends for not learning sign language? i dont know asl. i brought it up once or twice as a "wouldnt it be cool if we all learned together" situation, because im deaf and my hearing gets worse monthly. the only sign i was aware anyone knew was when azzyisjazzy and dizzy_elk_6491 said something that contained the words "eat orange" at each other over and over. that doesnt exactly indicate to me they are at a conversational level. either way, i was not "expecting them to communicate in a language i do not speak" lol.

i never threatened a damn thing about the dog. i said she was stressing me out so bad she was triggering my ocd. ocd can cause intrusive violent thoughts. they are not desires, they are based on things you DONT want to do. they are INTRUSIVE. i felt unsafe because the thoughts were so distressing and i could not banish them from my brain. the fact that azzyisjazzy is graduating from nursing school and doesnt understand this is concerning. i thought i biked over a snake this morning and started crying before i saw it move. i threw it in someones yard so it wouldnt get run over. i don't even like hurting bugs. i got mad at azzyisjazzy for making jokes about killing crickets in the house. maybe i am sensitive, sure, judge me how you please. but that doesnt exactly indicate an animal abuser does it?

also, me being a furry and objectumsexual (attraction to objects) has literally nothing to do with anything. its funny, because my azzyisjazzy has told me he pretends to be a dog during sex multiple times. also, he is a furry. or at least was. his fursona is/was a deer. not judging, obviously, its just hypocritical. is it weird? YES. is it harmful? NO. on top of this, azzyisjazzy had me walk the dog a few times after i had said those things. clearly he was not very concerned then. im sure he knows better and is just making shit up to hurt me.

now i don't remember much about my previous living situation with finchsexroomate because i was traumatized and the order of events and details are all mixed up and blurry. i moved in because i was in a motel with my drunk father and (thankfully normal) brother for two years. i was being paid to take care of them, but i wasnt equipped to do so because of my mental health issues. that were being exacerbated by finchsexroomate's reactions to my tone of voice...or something? they would react in ways that freaked me out like getting an attitude or yelling at me. i didnt react well to this which was entirely my fault, causing arguments. this happened a lot. idk why its so hard for anyone involved to understand that we simply did not mesh well together. azzyisjazzy and finchsexroomate have very similar communication styles, or lackthereof. it makes sense why i dont get along with both of them. they suck at communicating boundaries.

it took finchsexroomate months to tell me my tone of voice was upsetting them. they also think i was frequently stewing in anger next to them to hurt them when maybe i was a little annoyed at something and not putting in a ton of effort to look cheery while like...watching tv. or something. every time there was an incident like this, me moving elsewhere was brought up. i was living in a motel for two years before this. you have to be literally stupid to think its easy to find anywhere to live in this economy. obviously did not react well to this and yes it triggered suicidal episodes. but im not unstable if my housing and food and such else is taken care of. now that i have a stable job and can afford everything i need i am perfectly fine. just a bit stressed.

for some reason finchsexroomate thinks i was in love with them and trying to drive a wedge between them and their husband? lol? i said their husband was hot like twice. hes a hairy bear? come on now. theyre just being freaks because im polyamorous. if i had a crush on either of them theyd know, because that is something i hate keeping inside even if i know telling someone will go nowhere.

our living together ended when one night we were watching tv and somehow the topic of my date the next day came up, and finchsexroomate reminded me that our other roommates who would normally take over care when i am gone would also be leaving, so i didnt want to leave them in the house alone or worry about what time i had to be home since i would not be the one driving. i announced id reschedule my date and this upset finchsexroomate so bad that they started yelling at me. i only remember the part where they started yelling fuck you over and over again after i was like dude. its like fucking midnight. we can deal with this tomorrow. their reaction freaked me the fuck out and i did what everyones demonizing me for.....taking the torch we smoked dabs with and brushing it on my wrist for less than half a second, turning it off, and putting it on the table. and then sitting there. finchsexroomate was more at risk of burning the house down than me because i saw them drop the torch while it was still spewing flames twice, and they told me it happened once while i was not there. lol. was my reaction smart? no. did i "try to burn the house down with people inside"? no.

last thing about them, after they kicked me out and gave me zero chance to grab any of my belongings forcing me to pay an exorbitant amount of money for shipping that i could not afford, i said fuck it. they dont deserve my money after all of this. its not like i could just fucking drop almost $800 on it. later when the hurt started to go away i decided id put aside money and then give it all back when ive collected enough, but um. not doing that now lmao.

between then and now i was living with people my dad knew. one of them regularly assumed everything in the house was my fault such as leaving hard water spots on dishes and several times the freezer door was left open (not by me) so he tried attacking me about it and had to be held back by two people. this happened twice. i was also threatened by one of the residents because he was abusive to his girlfriend and i almost pepper sprayed him about it. it got to the point where i had to get a motel room a second time to avoid being hurt. and of course after this is when azzyisjazzy and i started talking.

anyway back to the present. azzyisjazzy thinks i was...listening to him and his bf my first night here just bc i was quiet? i thought they knew i was here lol. i literally cannot eavesdrop. i can hear loud talking and music and dog barking and dog nails on hardwood in my room. sometimes i can hear noises but that doesnt mean i understand what the noises are. at this point im convinced everyone thinks im faking my deafness. do i need to show everyone how scarred my ear drum is? that also has a hole in it?

and i guess this all got worse because i chose to stop being very close friends with all of azzyisjazzys friends. they were a lot of energy. i avoided them a lot because my idea of a good time is being quiet and doing a task together or watching tv or going to the park to look at critters and plants or something. i still tried, i was an audience to their musicals in the kitchen. and hung out when i was able to handle their energy, which was rare. azzyisjazzy thinks i was avoiding his show because i hated him when in reality i was busy with things i felt were more important such as my friend's mental health. azzyisjazzy even told me it was fine and that he understood. i also felt that none of them liked me very much anyway, so i just kind of stopped trying. i know one of them hated me because i got mad at him for making kill all furries jokes in the discord server we were in, and several times after that he would criticize my friends and i for stupid bullshit like putting in the announcements channel to not put chunks of food in the sink that does not have a garbage disposal in it.

the reason there are horses all over my walls is because azzyisjazzy heard gunshots and we were discussing whether or not we should call the cops in the discord server. my friend and i said no because theres no way to prove which direction it came from so on top of the cops not being able to do anything, we have black neighbors that might be questioned. furry hater guy said what does their race have to do with this and i dont remember what i said after it but he sent a horse emoji which is a reference to the meme of a horse standing at the sea with the caption "MAN" and i felt it inappropriate so i muted him for 10 minutes.

so the time my friend told someone to kill themselves? he had almost gotten hit by a car, and said "kill yourself for real" about the driver. furry hater guy got mad at this and said no suicide jokes. i misinterpreted it as another baseless criticism and told him to shut up. i was wrong for this and apologized, and later decided to just leave the server because i wasnt having fun in it anyway.

idk where to place these things in this giant block of text so theyre going at the end my friend and i used the dining room table to do crafts which is why azzyisjazzy bike locked the chairs. okay...ill just get my own i guess? he has threatened to put cameras up in the house which i am fairly certain is illegal because i do not consent and it would violate a reasonable expectation of privacy in the state of Missouri. also azzyisjazzy and i both agreed that nudity is not an issue, and when i am alone in the house sometimes i dont have a shirt on. i am a trans man, i have tits. that's inappropriate and once again im fairly certain that is illegal. missouri is a one party consent state so the only circumstance where recording me would be okay is if one of whoever is in the video or audio consents, such as if azzyisjazzy and i had a conversation. he could be the one to consent. but he doesn't say use his big boy words at me anymore so that wont happen. weve said a total of maybe 5 words to each other in the last month. i text him sometimes and he pretends not to see it but i know he does because he thinks me telling him his post got removed was bragging that i reported it. maybe my friends did? i dont control them. lmao.

hes also told my friends that me simply living here is an "escalation" and that if i continue to live here "things will get worse for me" those are threats. genuinely convinced that he knows a lot of what he is saying is made the fuck up or stretched truths just so "things will get worse"

btw, im not the one abusing the dog. she gets one walk a day and is barely played with because of how much azzyisjazzy works. all she does is sleep all day and bark out the window and piss on the couch and the floor and chew up shit azzyisjazzy leaves around the house, like a plastic tape dispenser. those plastic shards might be inside her stomach, by the way. that can and has killed dogs. many times.

i dont know what else to say. this is getting way too long. i certainly feel better after writing it though.

i may or may not respond to comments. i dont really feel like proving myself to a bunch of redditors, but considering these lies might follow me around for a while especially because finchsexroomate posted my FACE????? glad i look extremely different now (thanks hrt) and was wearing a mask lol. what sort of fucking insane behavior. i kind of wanted to post webcomics online, so i felt it necessary to do a bit of damage control. of course, all sides to this is mostly he said she said, so this only helps so much. but i said my truth, and ill stand by it. omission of details is because i forgot. this has been all over the last two years. my memory is shot because i got covid the first time i was in the motel and the repeated trauma hasnt helped. if someone brings up a good point i will respond to it.

anyway. ill move out when im able to. get the fuck over it.

good fucking lord.

im going to go do literally anything else more productive than this. get a new hobby. make a fursona and maybe youll feel better. fucking weirdos

2 notes · View notes

weirdmageddon · 3 years ago

Text

i’m thinking again about this article, read it if you havent

it concisely puts into words what ive been lowkey aggravated about online as a psych major and as someone diagnosed with ASD (and subsumed ADHD)

Social media incentivises reductive or sweeping statements, meaning that these kinds of distinctions often get flattened by the way we talk about mental health and neurodivergence online. Given that its platforms are mostly limited to 60 second videos, 10-slide infographics, or 280 character microblogs, it rarely provides the space necessary to tackle these topics with detail or nuance.

this is so important to recognize. i hate that i have to ask myself “does this person really neurochemically have adhd like me or did they self-dx because they relate to some generalized symptoms they saw on a ‘you may have adhd if x’ post”? if someone told they they had adhd 5 years ago online i would have believed them but now i can’t be sure if they actually have adhd like neurochemically or if they saw something online they related to. and i understand why people self-diagnose, our healthcare system is fucked and systemic racism and sexism still exist, but me and my mom (who works as a nurse in a psychiatric clinic and sees the entire DSM in her workplace every day) believe it’s gotten way out of hand to the point of being detrimental to everyone involved.

for me my disorder is a structural and connectivity difference during gestation which begets divergent thinking and neurochemical imbalances. (ADHD is almost always comorbid with ASD. in fact when i was diagnosed with ASD it was during the DSM-IV where it was dictated that a diagnosis of ADHD not be given along with a diagnosis of ASD because it’s subsumed into it, but DSM-V allows dual diagnosis now.) for me it’s purely nature but i think for a lot of others it’s a question of nurture.

“I think it's great to be able to relate to people and find a community based on your traumas and how fucked up and maldapted you feel to society,” says P.E. The issue is, however, that these overly-pathologised views of mental health and neurodivergence usually invite us to situate the root of the problem firmly within ourselves, and as fixed parts of our identity. “If more and more of us all feel so maladaptive to the point that we require medication, then perhaps we can all collectively realise that something larger is going on that does not have to do with the chemical composition of our brains. I think we need to realise that it's something larger than that.”

we shouldnt be so quick to turn everything into a diagnosis. if you dont actually have the neurochemical imbalances of ADHD, stimulants can fuck you up while they help me to do just basic tasks and leap over executive hurdles that other people have no problem doing without them because my brain is wired differently from the start.

i posted this thread on twitter and someone replied, “i managed to skim it, i wish i had the attention span to read it in full. Very frustrating to see tik toks that have almost a million likes tell people that their behavior is a result of trauma while knowing that its impossible to undo the damage the tik tok has done”

and let me tell you i literally fucking hate tiktok. i’ll read this headline “people with OCD are finding community and support on tiktok” and be oh good for them but the thing with tiktok is like

it’s all about image. it’s focused on image. so what you’re going to get is people all dolled up in clothing and fashion and whatever with some bland ass music playing to some text on the screen and some kid sitting there silently running their fingers through their hair and pointing to the text with an air of sanctimoniousness about it. the use pathology as a topic for visual clout.. it’s not taken as seriously or as in as much nuance as it should. the focus isn’t fully there. it feels almost disrespectful to me.

im not kidding when i say tiktok has regressed our society and not to sound like a boomer but it literally was not like this before tiktok. tumblr had issues with romanticizing depression which was bad but it smoothed itself out because it was in writing and people weren’t pulled away by how someone looked so they could successfuly counter it. but now? i’ve never seen the talk about diagnoses so grossly oversimplified as they are right now especially on twitter too and it makes me feel like my real issues and the issues of other people with ASD and ADHD will become disgustingly trivialized like a game of telephone if this keeps up because of the association with these stupid fucking kids who think having diagnoses makes you “cool”. autism is cool in some aspects—i wouldn’t be me without it—but horrible in others (cant focus on what people are saying because all i can focus on is my ability to maintain eye contact, thinking im crazy for most things because no one else seems to notice or struggle with it, oversensitivity to sensory stimuli, being a picky eater because i have such an aversion to many textures and flavors and being made fun of for it and i feel horrible and disrespectful like i might come across as xenophobic for it if its with foods im not used to from other cultures, i can’t become friends with anyone if they dont share my interests, i don’t know i’m feeling emotion unless there’s a physiological reaction i can perceive. all of these things i hate about myself and are just generally unnecessary obstacles), there is nothing cool about living with ADHD (and im not saying this as to how i can benefit others. i mean i literally cant do the things i want to because of executive dysfunction, i dont process shit that was just said to me which is frustrating and embarassing for me, my mom gets fed up with having to tell me the same thing over and over or she thinks i’m lying that i didnt hear what she said to avoid doing something when i genuinely didn’t even process she said it), there is nothing cool about living with anxiety. but none of them, NONE of them should EVER be used as an excuse to not take responsibility for one’s actions or be used to appear more meek. this extends beyond ASD, ADHD, and anxiety btw im also talking about bipolar, cluster Bs, dissociative disorders, etc. these may serve as explanations for why behavior is the way it is but never an excuse. i can’t tell you how fucking tired i am of people using their hyperfixations as an excuse as to why they cant stop watching racist youtubers. literally as someone with autism and adhd and hyperfixations of my own if you have basic human morality you’ll feel guilt every time you interact with it so it will be aversive conditioning until you stop altogether or if you prevent yourself from watching it the hyperfixation will fade fast. it’s gotten out of control.

the worst offenders are for the most part teens who are Going Thru It and want to find an identity and answers. the teenage stage of life is the perfect recipe for all of this to coalesce and it’s no wonder we’re seeing all these serious mental health disorders on 13-16 year old’s carrds like bpd when you typically can’t even get diagnosed with personality disorders until you’re 18 because teenager’s personalities are still developing and clinicians are hesitant to give a diagnosis until then. knowing you have complex ptsd of some kind is one thing but treating it as a badge of honor to tote around to appear special because all the cool kids have it isn’t it and it further adds to the stigma of bpd as just being annoying attention seeking teenagers which bars the people who need help from getting it. pretty much every teenager has mood swings and emotional issues and image issues but those alone don’t create the diagnosis of a personality disorder which is why clinicians typically like to wait until the patient is an adult to diagnose them. the same thing with self dx’d psychotic and dissociative disorders too, this thread really tells it how it is.

so many teens. aren’t. doing. necessary. research. i’m talking like scientific articles on journal databases type of research. research that takes genuine self-reflection as to how your experiences align with formal diagnostic criteria for a year or two at least. and teens are being indirectly influenced by social and peer pressures to diagnose themself with something. don’t use social media like tiktok or twitter or tumblr as a means to diagnose yourself. it’s okay not to have something, in fact it’s a privilege. not everything needs a diagnosis.

it also makes me feel like there’s less of a community to turn to i can trust to know what i’m going through and what i experience in the same way as me and i know i’m not the only one feeling this. it’s not “everyone has a little ADHD”, it probably means there’s a societal problem and we’re being pushed beyond the limits of what human brains are able to effectively handle. and we also need to stop treating mental disorders as a way to appear unique and cool and immune to criticism and/or as a crutch to fall back on when we fuck up.

#long post #mental health #mental disorders

1K notes · View notes

annieandlilacfromwattpad · 3 years ago

Text

OKAY!

Never wrote on tumblr-

But wattpad is alittle boring-

So imma expand my writting by writting here-

So small intro on me!:)

My name: Annie*close ppl call me Ann(SOME CLOSE PPL CALL ME BANANIE AND IDK WHY-)*

What i do: I write,sing,*sometimes* cosplay,draw*suck at it tho* and do alot of stuff online! Im also an internet mother!:>

Internet mother names you can call me: Momma,Mom,Mother,Mama*only some call me Mommy*

Gender: female!:>*thinking about going trans tho ngl*

Fandoms i know/am in:

Fnf

Fnaf

Ln/VLN

Creepypasta

Scp

*many more but i forgot :,D*

I can write smut if horny enough-

Idk why-

What I'll write:

Fluff

Angst

Smut*only horny like above*

*and other*

What i WONT write:

Incest

Zoophillia

Huge age gaps

Rape*ONLY MENTIONS OF IT*

Child x adult.that shits weird-UNLESS ITS A FAMILY FLUFF-

What i WILL write:

Family fluff

Pets x person*not a zoophila- more of a fluff thing where an animal comforts*

Character x !SIBLING!Reader FLUFF/ANGST

Fights

LBGTQ+

Threesomes

And more that isnt too weird-

Also kinks are weird and tend to get out if hand so if u request a kink plz dont make it a wild one :,D

Disabilities/things that make me "weird"/diffrent:

I have depression- apparently it makes me different

I cant be happy

I have anxiety

I think I may have tourrets syndrome but im not sure

I am a survivor of rape and abusive family*but my family still finds ways to hurt me:,)*

I tend to have "scratching fits"

I may have ADHD and OCD

I might be bi-polar but i havent been diagnosed yet.

Im Bisexual with a Lesbian girlfriend!

I have suicidal thoughts that come and go

Life hates me😩*it hates everyone ngl-*

I am gonna adopt you and you cant escape

I for some reason started a gang on wattpad and i am gonna be starting a cult like jelly bean or ayoden- cus idk:)

I am weird sometimes and change personalities depending on who im with,resulting in me not knowing who tf i am:D

Im the student whos "perfect" but have the worst life👍

If your adopted by me your getting daily checks

Im ugly💅

#intro!#new to tumblr #hello! :)#new internet parent

12 notes · View notes

shirts181 · 4 years ago

Text

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be? Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

#anxiety #depression #latenightthoughts #venting #myreality #mylife #imisstheoldme #shellberightmate #bullshitery #mentalsuffering #mentalhealthissues

1 note · View note

i-mpurrthoughts · 3 years ago

Text

This is quite a negative post, with a lot of negative themes talking about ocd. Please be aware I have been diagnosed and these are my personal experiences with living, that doesn’t mean they are 100% the norm or anyone else’s symptoms. This is my blog to record my thoughts, and it’s the easier and more encouraging than a journal. Helping someone relate is just a plus.

I want to list all my day to day symptoms that cripple me on a day to day basis

or just behaviors that are related to ocd or other disorders I have

long post so under the cut

-i overanalyze my body, mainly physical symptoms, to see how im feeling. I’ve been sick almost all my life and bad things have happened when i even felt slightly sick. i assume my brain is trying to gauge to prevent those traumas from happening again

-i have a huge phobia of being in cars, mainly because they make me motion sick and a lot of sickness has happened in cars. even if im feeling ok, my brain will freak up and my body tenses when im in a car. i immediately try and find an excuse to run away from it. also good ole’ emetophobia, which I found out this year quite a huge amount of people have.

-i research. everything. too much. i’ve been on a 3 day research binge of leukemia because i have some symptoms and my brain is desperately trying to figure out why im sick. when I research a new disorder that could possibly be the root of my physical issues, I get tunnel vision. in my obsessive mind, it could possibly be nothing else.

some are asking, why no doctor? I have been to doctors and some have helped, most havent. I had my gallbladder out when I was extremely young (which made me feel deathly ill for about 4 years) so they usually use that an excuse and offer no supportive treatment. I have been diagnosed with ptsd and ocd and have medication for it, and it has helped somewhat, but does nothing to calm or subdue physical illness. luckily, i am seeing a trusted family doctor in the next couple of weeks and i’m bringing my mom because i know she’ll dig for tests and scans. not let anyone talk over me and dismiss me without a proper explanation.

-i have perfection syndrome that often paralyzes me. I wanted to be an artist. I still do. I can’t even sit down and draw for more than 30 minutes before getting overwhelmed. it never looks good enough. I wanted to be a figure skater, i got sick so i couldn’t travel to lessons, but at a certain point, my brain decided: you’re too old, there’s no point, if you aren’t an Olympic athlete by now, you’re just going to embarrass yourself in front of your coach like the first set of lessons. i love this video game, I’ve been playing it for about a year now. ive climbed in ranks, but i just stopped. if I’m not winning every battle or game, who cares? i obviously don’t have what it takes to be at the top. this way of thinking has me absolutely destroyed. I can’t just,,, enjoy anything anymore. I can’t have fun while doing everything. I have to be the best and i have subconsciously decided that I’m not good at anything, and i wont ever be.

-i cannot stand romantic relationships, or friendships for that matter. this might just be my social anxiety, but holy shit this is the most disgusting trait i have. since this blog is anonymous and im being completely honest, I feel free to post it here. it is so hard to be around people who aren’t exactly like me. it’s filthy that i somehow hate myself, have no confidence at all, but i cannot stand people who don’t live up to my level. i grew up with an extremely small friend group (thank god im not longer in contact with) who was very toxic to me and constantly either made fun of me or did not hold the same standard of kindness. I was bullied quite a bit for being poor or “not as educated” as my friends and it just left a dent in me. I have a friend group now that i adore, but sometimes i do not want to be around them.

same with romantic relationships, I’ve had relationships before that all turned out bad, because i was being obviously used for sex or just disrespected (LOL back then my taste was so bad so not surprised there) and my spineless ass never said anything until I just broke up with them when I couldn’t take it anymore. idk, I just hate commitment and shit being expected of me and the moment I’m tied down by anything: plans, close relationships, jobs, school, i freak the fuck out. i just want to be someone who is in a stable casual relationship, with a small friend circle who I can trust, with a gentle, decent paying job. perfectionism at its best again.

LOL I honestly forgot about this but i was scanning over what I wrote so far and remembered one of the things I was bullied for

i do not have eyebrows or eyelashes :) it doesn’t bother me much anymore tbh, ive got pretty good at makeup so i can do light eyeliner and put on decent looking eyebrows, but holy shit. that was the earliest sign of my ocd. it probably started when I was 8 but i have had little to no eyelashes since then. I have a set of bottom lashes (who fucking knows why??? lmfaooo like i have no compulsion to pull them out for some reason this year. yet another example of how strange mental illnesses can be) i was bullied by a lot of people, mainly by my close family, but on a good note, they stopped mentioning it as i got older and it just became part of who i am!

it does make me happy because i often get many compliments from people my age when im too tired to put on makeup. like woah that’s so cool! it’s really a new fashion look and i think it looks good on you :) so thank you strangers who have been nice to me and said those things, if I could find you again id hug you. hope you all are doing amazingly.

thank god i got over this phase because i was convinced it was destroying my ears. I used to wear earbuds literally 24 hours a day, when I slept, when I went to school, at dinner. They never came out because I could not stand the overwhelming noises, plus I was just obsessed with vocaloid and nightcore LMFAO, honestly that shit still hits, miss me with that cringe culture bullshit

have to sleep in my room only. no exceptions. I never sleep at friends houses, when i go on vacation I had anxiety attacks because it’s not my room. ive gotten better over the years thank goodness, but my room is my safe space, and honestly as I’m writing this, I feel so safe and comforted in here. one of the only places besides the skating rink that make me feel so safe, contrary to the earlier comment.

honestly im super tired and just want to get this out right here before I pass out. This is the first time I put my thoughts out so bare and honest, so if you read even a sentence of this, I hope it helps. it was quite negative, but i spend most of my days masking and trying to be positive for other people so i can feel tension erase as i write jt.

also, after putting together all these symptoms, autism seems like such a good guess over ocd. I know testing is expensive, but ill try and bring it up at my next doctor visit :)

#ocd #ocd blog #new blog

0 notes

namuneulbo · 3 years ago

Text

week four

this week was similar to last week, u know, ups and downs or whatever (but if were being totally honest, isnt every week like that?) but a lot of things happened. i had three tests: health, english and finnish. it was v tiring since i happened to have a lot of other schoolwork as well so its been v exhausting but one funny thing is that i only had one offline school day and it lasted for an hour and a half. its not that special though since i spent my entire days doing online school stuff instead lol

i had a job interview on monday for a cleaning job. it went surprisingly well and everyone working at that office were milfs so it was an overall good experience even if i dont get the job. i still need to look for some more jobs though in case i dont get that one. ive applied for a few already but havent had any other interviews. i became a bit obsessed w eric nams podcast daebak show so i listened to that as well as a few txt songs when i was walking to and from the interview.

on the way home i stopped by a store to use up the gift card i had. i first went to the makeup store but i didnt really know what i was looking for so i just went into the grocery store bc i knew i at least wanted a ben & jerrys. the gift card had 15€ on it so i couldnt get anything too hefty but i ended up really liking what i got; a ben & jerrys and three packs of rhinestone stickers. i finally got to try a vegan ben & jerrys flavor!! b&j are so expensive so i usually only get them when theyre on sale. they quite often have 3 pints for 10€ but the non-diary ones arent included in those. i got the cookie dough one since cookie dough is one of my fav flavors of the regular ice creams. i got the rhinestone stickers bc ive wanted to get some for a while so i can put them on my face !! im so excited to use them while wearing some cute makeup look.

ive become obsessed w quite a lot of songs this week. i made a january pl where i put all the songs that stick out to me this month. some ive already played sm im a bit tired of them >-< a few im not tired of yet though would be ghosting by txt, dreams come true by aespa and save your tears by the weeknd. by the end of the year ill have 12 pls that ill later mash into one big 2022 pl !!!!

on wednesday (i think ??) i finally got my new glasses. idk how to describe them really but theyre quite square and have no frames around the lenses and the side parts have rhinestones on them. i feel like ive mentioned rhinestones a lot in this post,, i just like glittery things TT anyways i love these glasses a lot and i feel so me in them. ALSO, its so nice to be able to see and also not get constant headaches FUCK im so relieved.

thursday i had a doctors appointment (or i guess psychologist??). i thought hed be a psychiatrist so i was expecting a diagnosis but nope, he was just some middleground and he wrote a referral to a psychiatrist after hearing me explain my symptoms. l said theres only one psychiatrist in the area though so it might take a WHILE before i get (or dont get) my ocd diagnose.

(doctor, this is a bit embarrassing but if u ever happen to read this, u are so fit. u single?)

friday was so amaze!!!! since i had no school and finished my tests i got to rest during the day and in the evening i met up w l and we got take-out and went to my place and watched singles inferno. as a bisexual, that show is pretty amaze but im too biased bc i wont let go of soyeon and yeawon. i quite like sihun too. idk,,,,, am i just a living bi stereotype? probably.

saturday was incredibly uneventful.

sunday, today, i went to visit my brother since it was his birthday on thursday. i got him a chocolate bar (well, my mom bought it for me since i didnt join her on her grocery shopping trip and she offered to pay for it too lol but its from me in spirit or whatever). he was busy renovating when we got there so i was bored to death but at least i got to pet some cats and a dog so it wasnt TOO bad. on our way home my mom and i stopped by mcdonalds which was nice :]

sotw: obey me! boys - its my party

#diary #tumblrdiary #namuneulbo

0 notes