#whatever who cares im going to bed
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gonna krill myself. today was her birthday and she sent me a photo of her outfit and i almost fell off my bed bc shes so hot
#screaming crying throwing up#if only confessing to her wouldnt throw off the entire energy of our three person friendgroup#everyday i wake up and resist the urge to tell her i like her#and the worst part is theres a good chance she likes me back. like she flirts with me a lot (i think. im bad at social cues but whatever)#so we have just been kind of. circling eachother for months and im going crazy#whatever who cares im going to bed#goodnight folks#<3#atlas screams into the abyss
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second chapter is up!!
Chapters: ½ Fandom: Dead Boy Detectives (TV), Original Work Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne/Charles Rowland, Crystal Palace & Charles Rowland (DCU) Characters: Charles Rowland (DCU), Crystal Palace (DCU), Original Characters, Theo Rowland (library AU), Edwin Payne Additional Tags: duh duh duh LIBRARYVERSE!!!, this will not make much sense without the main fic, Scars, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, 3+1, dad!Charles, mom!crystal, platonic marriage, But also, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Rimming, the smut just happened okay they can’t keep their hands to themselves, but it’s also not long and not the focus Series: Part 7 of DBD Librarian AU Summary:
Three times Charles doesn’t talk about his scars, and one time he does.
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i escaped from a lab and now they’re just letting me draw anything
#myart#we zamyatin#I could write it better. if i existed in 1920 i would’ve written it better and it would?ve been popular and well liked#like i just dont know. Who even cares#art for me and 1 other guy on this website#save me i-330………. i-330……… i-330 save me#she should’ve been weirder#nobody gets it. OK I NEED TO GO TO BED DESPERATELY because im just saying whatever. Dont call me
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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rivers is so me when im programmed to be incapable of hurting my creators entire race in any way so i even If the opportunity to defend myself arose i still cant do anything about the guy whos hurting m
#sorry. its 11:40 pm im going to fucking bed#druid babbles#who put flowers in charge of someone vulnerable and susceptible to harm#that was a stupid decision#“this guy is opportunistic cruel and conniving” “eh give him an easy target whatever”#“eh we dont like him lets give him the old sick iterator who lives in the middle of nowhere cuz who cares:#if rivers knew that the people down south in the more populated areas basically said#he matters less and hed be terrible to be in charge of so lets make this guy we dont like ahve to deal w him#can you imagine if rivers knew the only reason flowers was assigned to him was an attempt to be petty to flowers#because they didnt think rivers was worth being in charge of#they all fucking suck your honour
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ok about to go to bed but um I'm having thoughts about sylvester from scorpion so I'm going to say them bcs I have to post every single coherent thought I have or I'll die <3
anyways ok so I do love scorpion, it's a lot of fun and I'm really enjoying watching it. I am very. attached. to sylvester. and I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I also have fast math brain and anxiety and ocd tendencies and am overly emotional and- anyways. I like him a lot. and I also. *really* hate the way the show has the other characters "motivate him" to do things despite all his things, usually his anxiety. idk if it changes in later seasons or anything, but as of season 2, what happens when he's talking about being particularly anxious about a job and his ability to do it, the thing that usually "works" to get him through it is another character telling him, often very harshly, that if he *doesn't* people are going to die and it's going to be his fault. and then it cuts away from him and now he's doing the thing. now this could very easily be me projecting, maybe that is something that is helpful. but i. cannot even begin to explain how much that would make it worse. even if guilting someone like that did maybe get them to do whatever task, they are not doing good mentally. and it just. makes my skin crawl that at least right now, that's the way they solve this "problem" with Sylvester, and it's the thing that pulls him out of his anxiety spiral. and then he's fine. just. no, I actually don't think that is how you should help someone who is a chronic overthinker with crippling anxiety and ocd.
anyways. erm. besides that the show is great, I'm having fun ��
#just blahs#im sure there's not a lot of people who care about this and this is mostly just me being upset about things that ive dealt with#but as someone who is very similar to this character#I know that being told hey if you dont do the thing people will get hurt and it'll be your fault for not doing it is. incredibly harmful.#its very. treating symptoms not people.#yeah it might get them to do whatever#but i will have spent the entire fucking time berating myself and by the end i am so completely drained and empty and hurt#and it. doesnt feel good. to see that happening in this show and have it being shown as the correct solution#for fucks sake the first person we really see actually tell him off like that becomes his love interest#and i love megan a lot shes great#but it just. makes me very uncomfortable that its so clearly telling the audience#that oh he just needed someone to be harsh and guilt him about it and now he knows she can fix him and keep him grounded#anyways#im just upset about it#im going to bed now
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one day im going to figure out how to talk to people againthen its going to be so fucking over for my friends (i wont shut up)
#remembering how social i used to be. bro i joined a discord serv and made serveral friends a few years ago#how did i do that.. how do i do it again 😨#idk if id wanna make any more new frjends i just need to figure out how and when to talk to the ones i have but like#what do ppl talk about? the weather? i think of things to Say all the damn time if it were up to me i would be sayinf whatever i wsnt#unfortunarely i am like. oh idk how to make Conversation out of this. i was just yapping. ermmmmm#i should jsut start posting about my cringe interests in a server ans see who care......maybe...#its hard bc its not niche shit but i would rather die than try to talk abt smth and find out the person im talking to doesnt care at allLOL#but if they do care idk how much knowledge they have. do i go straight into comparing themes and tropes in the story or do i have to explain#before getting jnto all of that..... also whar if they end up knowing MORE thab me somehow... embarressingggg 🙄#AAAAAURUGHHGFFHDHDHD whatever. gonna go back to bed maybe. who knows. or play nonograms until someone else posts somewhere#also having a very Specfic perosn you wanna talk to sucks ass. btw. not that i dont wanna talk to other ppl but my brain is currently#obsessed over the idea of This Person but IDK HOW TOSOCIALIZE GRRR GRRRRRRRARRRGGG#talking isnt working i wish they would jsut claw into my flesh and rip me apart violently instead🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄#its always 'hello how are you?' ans never killing me
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taking my adderall is getting really annoying because every time i do it i start registering that my entire body hurts and im tired. like come on man. you're speed. stop making me feel like i need to curl up and go back to bed
#yeah yeah i slept bad.#whatever. who cares. stop telling me im tired i cant exactly go back to bed right now. i have shit to do#red rambles
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In these days i realized i like art and writing and creating and shopping and taking walks and talking to people and cleaning and helping and studying and doing things but i'm just. too stressed, tired and burned out to do them. How great!
#i am losing my sanity day by day#drowning myself in the nearby lake seems better and better every day#why am i even writing this i have literally no mutuals or even people who'd care about#don't mind me crying myself to sleep haha#ooooh look at this pathetic baby. sitting in their little bed crying stupid tears. i should at least get tissues now while my crying isn't#fuck history fuck school and fuck me i quess#am i gonna start treating this as an actual blog and make a sideblog for reblogs? who knows! certainly not me; stay tuned for the story!#i'm gonna go and just let it all out into a pillow#vent ig#my mom is blasting holiday music in the other room lol#nice to have a whatever the fuck im having while “jingle bells” plays#at least i'm not hearing mariah carey ig#anyway i've probably hadn't been taking care of myself lately it has been worse despite me promoting it to everyone who needs#when i vented last time and it wasn't taken seriously so woop#anyway imma go try to calm myself and back to my notes i go#please gods what did i do to deserve thi s shit. fuck you#i hate it here i really do. i hate when these people talk to me i hate them. i at least can be sorta accquaitances with one but they just.#all stare and laugh? i actually can't. like i'm some fucking clown and laughing stock. just kill me at this point. i have been enduring this#for YEARS and suddenly i'm being a little bitch about it?? what the fuck. why am i so mushy all of a sudden. being shown an ounce of respect#and care made me expect it more? fuck#i'm just setting myself up for failure. i am just a giant loser and failure of a person.#everything seems so fucking hard. and pointless. i am tearing my rotten little heart apart with this. i am once again grieving things#long ago and things i never had. my everything has to be pleasing to an outsider#my value is my suffering. am i breaking enough? is this beautiful to look at#at my self destruction? i hate myself. i treat others so cruelly. i am a horrible fucking person.#my problems are not their burden - i forced it on them. wept like a baby because she left me. and what happened in the end? my paranoia got#to me. i left them. i fucking. i fid the thing i was afraid of being done to me.#this is showing so many issues.#so many things wrong with me. i shouldn't even be alive by this point - i wasn't supposed to survive past 12#i am being forced to do this every day. someone please just end my fu king suffering
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Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍
#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all#literally my soul is gone or something#i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed#which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually.#ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better#alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off#like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot#like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy#moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously#but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends#i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help#idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho#like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me !#so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback#kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk#it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore#but who knows 🤷♀️#there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol#that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown#like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way#and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever#and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality#plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good#but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you#but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !
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you think it’d be weird if i did start believing in god again? because the thought feels comforting. it’s nice believing there’s someone who loves me no matter what. yknow.
#vent#religion tw#im.#i like. genuinely prayed earlier when i was crying. and it felt. nice#i dont know#i think its just been bad lately and this feels like the only outlet i have anymore#i was raised christian. i fell out of it because i dont think i ever really believed in it. yknow#i was just a kid doing what my father told me to do.#and then i realised i was just being made to believe in something i didnt understand#but sometimes i do just clasp my hands together like im praying and theres a sort of comfort to that#there’s a sort of comfort in asking to be saved. in asking for help from someone who’s powerful enough to do something#i dont know.#i should sleep i think#maybe i’ll change my mind in the morning.#maybe i wont. either way i dont think i’ll ever casually bring it up outside of vent posts#i just miss feeling loved by the people who made me.#maybe if i did start believing in god again i can feel that love. at least i’d have a father who cares.#whatever. i’m going to bed.
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and like "ok but that's the most sensible thing 2 ship out of all the options there" well whwrre's the content abt it huh. where is it. Where. WHERE. where for the lvoe pf god xan tou fucking link me to it WHERE IS IT
#pk;m electrochemistry🔴#im normal im normal im normal im#ANYWAYS!#HI IT'S 3 AM AND THIS IS RHE MOST NORMAL I'VE FELT I T HE PAST DAY! HI! HI! HIII#im gojg to apss the fuck out AGAIN girl im in hell#the meds have fucked w headspace viewing & sys communication SO MUCH but yknow who's up front now???? Vol is. <3.#and also some fucjjf guy named Gabriel I met yesterday?? he's cool as hell thofuh#literally an angel. archangel specifically. idk he's glowy and he just exists apparently idk what variation#dude i don't go to whatever the fuck he's from. i don't CARE#he has the braincell he could fucking kill me if he wanted and I'd be understanding like YEAH OK!#THAT'S COOL & PROBABLY THE BEST IDEA IN THIS SITUATION HAVE AT IT! AISISKDKCKCCKXLXKF#ohj he's pointing at knife at me BETTER GO BACK TO BED! AISISJSKDXKCMCK
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typical late night miseries but literally so sick of feeling like this always
#like iv been feeling this way in some way throughought this week and i thought i had stopped but i kinda havent lol#and ik its stupid but just idk. im just always in my stupid feelings abt the idea that like ohh i always care abt other ppl then they do me#and like !! the thing is ik it tht that isnt true or at least not laways true and i do have people who really do fully care about me#and like. that really means a lot to me like so so mucch but idk sometimes it just like#i feel like the way that i care abt other people is so like intense in a lot of ways and like idk.#its just such a big thing for me and i feel like i put so much of my heart into it and like sometimes ill find myslef getting so intensely#emotional about it to the point of crying and almost feeling sad and writing stupid bad poetry and it just feels like the huge#vulnerable thing for me so often and i just feel like it rly isnt for anyone else or at least not for the people ik abt me#and like the thing is i dont even want them to feel that way bc ik they do really care about me sm as is#but yk like. idk on a selfish level tht means theres a feeling that its all one sided which really really doesnt help at all with it#to the point were i do sometimes wish tht others cared abt me the same amnt/way bc then i wldnt be alone in such intense feelings#and then i wldnt feel like im the only one not worth caring abt tht way but idk ik im selfish thinking that#its not even fully that i want other people to care more its that i want me to care less#but i just. fucking cant and i just really hate it sometimes and im sick of feeling miserable over such stupid things#and now im acting like annoying and obnoxious. whatever#its 4am im going to go to bed now. goodnight <3#flappy rambles
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do you guys think id be able to take a quick 30min evil nap........ do u think its possible for me to do..........
#maybe.......... if i stay here at my desk so im not too comfortable to wake up........................#thing is im super sleepy cuz i woke up feeling sick this morning#n it took awhile for me to fall back asleep since i had to go to an appointment.............#normally id just take a nap but ill spend the rest of the week at my papas place so i wont be able to get drunk..........#and also i bought some snacks and if i dont eat them before i leave theyll be bad by the time i get back#i guess i could get drunk tomorrow? itd be a pretty big gamble though since i might be too tired to get out of bed and go to papas.........#oh whatever. ill take a nap and go from there.#if i wake up within like 45 minutes ill get drunk if not then fuck it ill just do it tomorrow consequences be damned#who even cares anymore.
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this is like my fourth or fifth consecutive bad gym session I might as well just kill myself
#was fine when it was bc of my wrist injury just frustrating that i was so limited in what i could do#but its mostly better now and i still feel like im not doing anything near what im capable of i dont fucking know whats holding me back#both physical limitation and also i just have no grit at the moment. lost my mojo :-(#well ik itll take a while until my wrists are fully functional again and i probably am still healing so its partly that#and just a lot on my mind lately. im usually fine at work but for some reason the gym makes me ruminate n i get so frustrated n miserable#by the end of a session and ppl start to annoy me bc they act like they can read me n make wildly wrong assumptions abt how im feeling#and then im reminded that even ppl i consider good friends consistently do the same no one actually knows me at all i guess#and it makes me feel very unloved and upset but whatever its all on me bc i cant communicate in ways other ppl can understand#and i dont trust or feel safe around other ppl so i just alienate myself and fold myself up around the immense distress it causes me yayyy#and ill be thinking this shit at like 8:30pm halfway up a wall and demotivate myself and slip and graze an elbow or whatever#ughhhhhh. and then i cycle the whole way home until i get thru the door and start sobbing idk how many times this is now#i have a stupid headache and im going to be so fucking tired at work tomorrow im going to bed.#its fine really. im not actually depressed anymore i dont think. these are just my regular old wounds ive had since the dawn of time#and i just have this dumbass fucking brain that for some reason instead of giving me endorphins and a high from exercise as a reward#just makes me really sad instead. maybe im just not eating enough around when i workout idk like it could be low blood sugar#and i am mildly worried abt some things bc well. they could be very very difficult for me to deal with if they happen. and if they do#happen well thats good in other ways but i have to be prepared to take some major fucking hits. ive only recently started to feel like ive#mostly recovered from how fucking shite this summer has been after the mental damage done in may/june. i cant spend another season there#can i just catch a fucking break like forever please. and a shoulder to cry into im so touch deprived its unreal who even cares anymore#fine reallt tho i promise just worked myself up innit. ugh. anyway gn#.diaries#.vent
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I really miss doing art and I think at this point I've mostly recovered from being overworked with my diploma, I wish I had a desk* so I could draw without having to hold my laptop on my lap and completely busting my spine and knees and wrists
*I do have a desk that belongs to me but my brother keeps occupying it, and if I leave the room for literally more than five minutes while my laptop is on said desk, he will remove it and put his own laptop on the desk
#we literally agreed on a system where we switch who has access to the desk every week#he doesnt respect that system at all#today while he was at school i put his stuff on his bed and placed my laptop on the desk since he was supposed to give it to me days ago#i had the desk for only a few hours#because my mom asked me to go to the store with her and when i came back the little shit already took the desk for himself#like. at this point what can i even do#sometimes he does it literally while i just go to the toilet or the kitchen#and whenever i think of having to draw with my device on my lap i just. wanna throw my tablet away#my back is already in almost constant pain i dont need more of that#besides when i do that my laptop overheats faster. its old and doesnt work as well#i have this like laptop stand on the desk that keeps it from overheating#of course when my brother takes the desk he takes the stand too so i cant do anything#im just. so fucking upset#cant wait to move out#then the desk will go to my room and the fucker wont have access to it at all. i dont care#you know the most annoying thing about it is that he does have a desk at his father's place. which is literally in the same building#he can go there and have his own desk and own room. but he chooses to stay here for whatever reason#sometimes i feel like he stays here only to make me upset#bee buzz
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