#whatever story they are in. if they are too silly it can still detract from the character and story

[sssusuki]

The real secret to writing? Don't take your shit seriously. Oh! They are the destroyer of worlds? Well, they are also the destroyer of stoves and microwaves get them OUT of the kitchen! Ah, they were cursed forevermore till true love? Well, can they stop shedding everywhere I keep having to vacuum

[maybevillage]

my really really long rant about endwalker

i'm not kidding this is really long. spoilers ahead of course, like immediately upon entry. sorry i sound so angry the whole time

unfortunately for me and for anyone reading this, endwalker is one of those cases where i like/d so much of what happens that the many weak moments make me more critical of the whole than i would be if it was just wholly bad like stormblood, bc it's a waste of potential. a lot of the time the moments i liked would even be happening simultaneously with the things i find so problematic: cheap storytelling decisions, cheap moments that only serve as fanservice or for shock value that only detract from a characters’ pre-existing complexity, poorly done rehashing of elements from shadowbringers, a lot of hollow pseudo-intellectual arguments, rushed and underdeveloped writing in one instance and then meandering wastes of time immediately after….these issues are so consistent that rather than try to break up endwalker's story based on these things, i will just try to run thru the whole thing chronologically and hope i don't get too repetitive. that's why this isn't an essay with some pretense of structure. i'll do my best.

what's crazy to me is i thought endwalker was going to be my second favourite expansion. this was despite not caring about its original main conflict--i thought fandaniel just wasn't a compelling or even interesting villain. he comes out of nowhere. and he's also asahi so that association is hard to break away from bc i find asahi silly. and he suffers from the same writing issues zenos does, where nearly every cutscene with them did little to develop their characters further from the baseline, only reiterated what i already know bc they literally never say anything else: zenos wants to fight wol, he's bored with everything life could possibly offer, fandaniel will ensure zenos can fight wol through his towers bc he no longer plays to the tune of his unsundered masters... even though what fandaniel was promising to cause were the final days i just didn't really care. in the wake of shadowbringers the final days are like a pretty big deal, but something about reviving a catastrophe i had just finished wrapping up--i thought, naively--made bringing them back seem really thoughtless. i don't really need to see anymore final days...like how much more do i need to understand how bad it was? i mean i think shb did a pretty good job????? of making the final days seem pretty fucking bad. why not come up with something new because this is endwalker and not shadowbringers haha? the only fresh thing about this new uncooler final days was the motivation behind them. fandaniel wanting to bring about the final days bc he wants to die and thinks everything should die with him vs emet-selch's unwillingness to die no matter what bc the final days took everything from him and he needs to bring it all back. still, recontextualising the final days from a past event into a present issue ruins them to me. whatever, i thought, there's no way we're letting the final days happen so what does this matter anyways. there's no way.

so yeah post-shb into ew was starting to lose me plot-wise. not the end of the world (LOL?) though bc the atmosphere in the beginning was so subtle and fresh and rich like dew in the morning that i was willing to look past it. going to old sharlayan i liked a lot. i liked going there not as a more typical homecoming for your friends but to instead uncover the sharlayan forum's cryptic behaviour. this kind of intrigue was what i really wanted after the grandness of shadowbringers and i really do think endwalker gave me that for a while. i liked the opening scene on the ship a lot bc it felt exciting and uncertain and new, especially talking to hydaelyn. i liked how she had become such an unstable variable after originally being the most anchoring presence in the entire game: learning she's a primal, whether she's actually “good” after listening to emet-selch’s explanation of her origins and actions in shb, and the fact that her appeals to her champions have been fewer and fewer… i thought her meeting with you at the very beginning of endwalker was cool and foreboding. i also really liked the emet-selch narration btw, i thought that was a fun choice. who better to guide you into the final stages of your adventure than the person who left you with that final, most important task. i wish this had been the only callback to his character at all. 

so a big part of why i like/d endwalker so much is all that atmosphere. and something i can't really put into words. it just felt cool and cohesive at the start. old sharlayan is one of my favourite locations now; i like that despite its rigidity and (to me farcical but w/e tangent) pursuit of rationality/knowledge, there's the quaint island charm and fresh winter sea and overgrown greenery and forest paths. i liked that the game enhanced the usual hubworld tour chore by having g’raha and krile follow you around to give you more personal anecdotes of the place, really gave it a more lived-in feeling, which really added to both them and the location. i also really liked all this charm and familiarity in tandem with the secret hostility of the place bc of the forum, having to sneak around and so on, sharlayan citizens not really recognising you somehow? but being very aware of a warrior of light threat to their way of life, even if i find that non-intervention way of life silly.

i also really liked labryinthos. it's a really creative place. i liked its uncanny false sky and controlled environment, and yet all the people scrambling about inside. and the music felt kind of magical like i had encountered another fairy area or something idk it all felt very whimsical. thavnair i really liked as well but i feel like my immediate impression of the place was kind of poisoned by the stereotypes, like the huge focus on trade and the first impression being undercutting foreign tourists but then i started to really enjoy the part where you run around with matsya and help him sell fish. i liked the mundanity and slow pace of that exercise bc it felt like a much more involved way of learning about thavnair and its current issues through conversations rather than the fetch quest slog, and this is one of the things i like a lot about the beginning of endwalker. the gameplay really improved i think bc they found more creative ways of having you interact with your surroundings, rather than having the usual running between npcs to fetch things for them or other chores. like rather than doing a string of quests and then being rewarded with development of the story, the gameplay simultaneously develops the story. like turning into frogs i thought was fun, testing nidhana’s aether lamp was fun, etc. it felt like they had better ideas about how to progress the in-between parts.

thavnair quickly started to upset me though bc it started to feel like the only relevance the location had was what they could give you for your military cause, that is, the scales. like alchemy is this place’s big highlight and its just the scales the scales the scales and the tower aughhhhhh!!!!!!! the tower!!!!!!!!!! i wish they had focused on something but i guess this is just to be expected with ffxiv...any interaction with a foreign ("foreign" as far as square enix eorzea is concerned) culture really boils down to how they might bolster your military efforts, the azim steppe for eg. so it felt like my concern for an individual (matsya) and the experience firsthand trying to help him with his day to day; the idea that every single person on earth is important and shouldn't be made to suffer, and helping that single person... was like overshadowed by something more focused on a “greater good", that is, the construction of the scales to defeat the towers to save the world ad infinitum. but if you played endwalker then you would know how this idea of only concerning oneself with a "greater good" and this diluting of the importance of an individual's life for the sake of this idealistic whole causes some problems for a certain someone..................so why didn't the game focus more on these themes? probably because at the end of the day it's a video game by square enix and you need a big boss to fight or something or bc this expansion is insanely unfocused i don't know. i feel like this concept about the importance of the small things that can add up to one life and how that one life is beautiful and important crops up with the significance of weeds despite its importance overall. i don't know if i think this is one of the main underlying themes of endwalker just poorly executed so as to not even be there or if i just wish it was one of its main themes. anyways i'm getting distracted, what i mean to say is thavnair gets dehumanised throughout the entire expansion in the most horrific ways possible so i guess this was just the start

moving on... i liked the part in garlemald a lot, which i didn't expect bc i don't expect this game to handle anything regarding imperialism well. i liked that the garlemald you finally experience, after it being one of your main enemies and this very proud nation, was just this dead quiet and ruined place. the quest where you follow that girl is another eg of how the gameplay was a bit more immersive, i think it helped me feel the loneliness and the danger of the place, that i could be a danger to this girl. that i really had to try if i wanted to help her. what i didn't like was alphinaud's and alisaie’s babying attitude towards the garleans? like ok yeah of course we’re gonna have patience and grace for GARLEMALD meanwhile lyse was losing her head at the ala mhigans whenever they disagreed with her. like sure arguing won't get anywhere but it felt like the twins were reckoning with children sometimes, it was so strange. but i did like that the game didn't shy away from making the garleans just unpleasant to be around at best, and an actual danger to you at worst. it's just better to me to make them harder to reconcile with so that there's no frustrating cheap shots at redemption but rather a good, sobering look at a society that's been totally and willingly misled. and i liked that alisaie's and alphinaud's attempts to help those garlean kids ended so badly, even though i'm not usually a fan of such cruel outcomes. it felt like we were seeing a garlemald not necessarily being punished for its actions more than we were seeing a place built on shitty ideals crumble bc of those ideals. i thought jullus was a good char and helped to carry that idea of disillusionment forward. i didn't care so much about sympathising with what he'd lost, but i did find it interesting how they contrast him with the legatus he's working under, who even while the place is in ruins is still more concerned with war than providing for the people relying on him. i don't think the part in garlemald is perfect by any means, like it doesn't do anything too brave, but ig it was a lot more subtle and complex in its storytelling than i expected. and it wasn't meaninglessly cruel. like i'm glad those shock collars put on the twins were only used to gauge jullus' emotional growth or something like him not wanting to activate them rather than them actually being fucking used which would have just made me close the game and not look back.

from here on is where i struggle to lock in for the rest of the story. starting with when zenos kidnaps you in the midst of the fighting at camp broken glass--i don't think i have ever been more immediately mentally locked out of a story. endwalker is darker than usual, trapping people in fleshy towers, two young girls lying dead on the ice, tentacles erupting out of tempered garlean soldiers... and so on. and while i don't personally like things that are overly dark or cruel, it's not that i think they're bad, just that with moments like that it's a lot better imo that a point is being made or they add something to the story, and that it doesn't feel soullessly random or disrespectful. unfortunately this stops being the case for the rest of the expansion..... like something about the weird eldritch feeling of fandaniel pulling you out of your body and putting you in a random soldier's was throwing me off immensely. it felt like i was playing a different game, like so disconcerting i found it distracting, because why would he not just do this to screw you over more often? i didn't understand them having access to such an unrestrained power. at the same time it was also just too wacky to really take seriously despite the apparent gravity of what was happening. zenos inside of my bunny girl's body??? i don't even understand why they did it? to piss you off?? the duty where you play as the imperial soldier was interesting i guess but i couldn’t understand what the meaning behind being made to struggle through that experience was... like didn't we just spend all that time sympathising with the garleans and wrap that section up already? why do i now need to sympathise with/experience firsthand what its like to be a garlean footsoldier? and it annoyed me because these parts felt emotionally rich, like stumbling across those garleans fighting that machine and trying to do your best to help them; dragging yourself across the ground to get to your friends before something bad happens to them, and running towards them before zenos hurts them while in your body--i thought all of that could've been really poignant if not for the actual situation being so silly?? they could have just kept some of those ideas, wol dragging themselves across the ground for eg--the extent to which they're willing to stop harm from reaching their friends (which reminds me of what vrtra says to you about the importance of protecting your friends the first time you meet him. but that was such a one-off moment that goes nowhere... i just wish ew would pick something, anything, to be a poignant message about love on planet earth if they want nihilism to be the main villain, and just stick to it)--and do something that felt a lot more relevant to the established story thus far? just felt totally pointless

what makes this worse is this ridiculous part is iirc right after fandaniel reveals that the entity tempering all of the garleans is varis reanimated as an ancient oh-so-important primal...?? like here's (what i thought was going to be) an actually important point in the story being sidelined for a moment that just goes absolutely nowhere. they certainly made it seem important for a moment, and i think this would've rounded off what was being said about garlemald well; the garleans are so taken in by the farce of their homeland that they think varis is calling them to reclaim their country over the radio, but all along what's actually causing their nation to fall apart is this monstrous version of their late emperor. the irony would've been interesting but they just do nothing with it... (i think desecrating a dead person's corpse by turning it into a monster is really weird btw, even weirder that they do it for no reason. whatever ew is weird.) i thought, considering that this plotline was being established from before endwalker started, that anima was going to take some time. not so. ffxiv would rather have you and zenos enact tropes from a disney channel movie. you merk that guy at the end of the tower of babil and from then on every important plot point the expansion could possibly have moves at fucking mach 567472838758745745

because why all of a sudden are you getting beamed up to the moon? and fighting ZODIARK? i was so confused when asahi i mean fandaniel was punching shit into that fuckgin allagan computer like fandaniel what the fuck are you talking about... i couldn't process anything that happened here. like i'll willingly put aside boring practicalities like why anyone can breathe on the moon, but not so much how fast this all happened and how out of nowhere--is this the reason fandaniel is also amon btw? so that he can use their allagan computers to do this? bc i honestly can’t find any other reason why him being amon is relevant when they revealed that in the tower of zot...like i dont get why that's important

and it doesn't get better after this is the sad thing to me. it doesn't pick itself back up. it is just extremely unfocused right until the endwalker. i was willing to move past getting rid of zodiark so quickly because it's not that i hold standard storytelling rules so dearly in my heart that i need the biggest final boss of the entire series to get a bit more gravitas. it actually ended up being a pretty interesting decision--dispatching the largest villain at the heart of the game being the catalyst for the biggest catastrophe you've ever heard of. like i like that wol gets played. but the entire mare lamentorum section that follows is disrespectful. this expansion suffers from some extreme tonal dissonance, bc how does wol learn that the final days are now upon them and then proceed to spend their time leisurely touring the moon rabbit facility to tell them that the clothes they’ve made for humans to wear isn’t fashionable? why on god's green earth does that matter at this current juncture? this part is one of the worst story-writing sinkholes in the expansion to me, bc why are the discrepancies between what the loporrits know of humanity vs what humanity is actually like something the story chooses to grapple with? we're building an ark to save humanity, and instead of approaching this in a contemplative or emotional way, the point of conflict they choose is logistics? in the expansion about nihilism? at best this conflict was overly realistic..... mostly it's just boring, and at worst the FINAL DAYS are now upon us, so why am i taste-testing carrots? how could the sharlayans, the most focused group of people on the entire planet, have been collaborating with the loporrits for decades and not even have one of the most basic aspects of staying alive squared away? i’m supposed to not only believe that nobody knew after all that time the lopporits think people only eat carrots, but also waste time on fixing this? whyyyyy would they even devote any time to this at all when there are so many more complicated and interesting ideas that they let flounder bc they rush through them at breakneck pace constantly? we just fucking killed zodiark! is this why they stick urianger up there to do all the fixing actually? to save time offscreen? maybe that's why they chose this asinine chunk of the story to start processing his character? though why they would choose to add more to a plate they can barely balance i don't know. i don’t even feel like getting into what they did with urianger bc it will just piss me off. i think only my love for rabbits and how i will never ever not find urianger precious were stopping me from putting a hex on square enix

the following section of the story is easily the worst part to me in the entire game. like i would rather replay stormblood multiple times in a row than ever sit through the final days coming to thavnair ever again. i've already said bringing back the final days would just be bad; a disservice to the time spent on it in shadowbringers. what more is there to say on that front? nothing. and the way ew utilises the final days tells me that the answer is nothing. it just wanted to unleash the violence of that event on the non-white area and spends an insane amount of time doing it. i can think of no other time in this game where there is so much wanton death and destruction for no useful storytelling reason other than to relish in the cheap shock of witnessing violence, violence they are unwilling to inflict on its white areas, because even in garlemald you only see the aftermath of what happens rather than being in the midst of it. it was actually making me feel fatigued. it was just so much of the same thing over and over with no real meaning to any of it. and that's not to say that meaning justifies suffering, but this is a game.....with a story... first and foremost? there needs to be some kind of reason to move the story forward? but nothing new or inspired is being said, just "the final days are really bad"

i’m actually not even sure where to begin so i’ll start with a glaring issue: i hate that people turn into abominations. people “randomly” turning into monsters just feels too unwieldy--how could there be any sense whatsoever that that situation is controllable? even learning that it's caused by feelings of despair is shit because emotions are so vague, how could there be any worthwhile attempt to control your emotions, let alone while watching your loved ones turn into/be eaten by monsters? this entire part felt so wildly out of hand/unpredictable to me that every single moment onward that wasn't more or less focused on maintaining this extremealy volatile situation felt like an unforgivable lack of priorities. it was extremely distracting to have it hovering over everything; everything else felt absolutely inconsequential in comparison. bc what the fuck do you mean people are randomly turning into monsters?? also the stakes were already really high just knowing the final days were coming, so raising them that much higher felt unnecessary to the point of it being hard to believe. and then bc you know there's no way any character important to wol is going to turn into a monster, subjecting commonfolk npcs to this just feels absurdly cruel, and also just made it obvious how much of a cheap scare it all was, bc it can't have any real narrative importance as a result of only happening to random npcs. it was all so blatantly fake-deep. there was no meaning behind them originally being people except for the useless horror of it--the scions still referred to them as monsters to be put down rather than as the people they used to be, just like any other monster in this game. dynamis was more of a retroactive explanation for why people turned into monsters, rather than people turning into monsters bolstering any understanding of dynamis. in shb the sin eaters had some method to them that made them more believable. you fight them throughout the story rather than them just being dropped on you midway through, they helped provide a picture of what kind of world the first was, they were emotional diving boards for characters like alisaie to develop personal goals and so on and so forth... the horror of the sin eaters had a narrative purpose. in endwalker it feels like they didn’t know what to do but wanted to replicate parts of shadowbringers, but didn't know why those parts worked so well bc they're too obsessed with trying to shock their audience. this part just sucked beyond description.

and it just continues to get worse. how can you be the one writing the parametres of a situation and you create something that's literally unmanageable, so that when its only manageable bc you need it to be, it's just so obviously shit writing? my sister described endwalker's writing as really contrived, like when they need something to happen (and that thing is often a really bad idea) they just shove it in there at the cost of keeping their characters in character, or having their story threads--both the interesting ones and the stupid ones--fall totally flat. she says they shortcut the writing. and it's true. for eg, the characters literally don't feel like themselves at times, or get utilised in really moronic ways. like when wol just watches the satrap die, another cheap scare btw he literally gets grabbed an eaten in a way my sis (i was ranting to her a lot about this game ok) described as straight from attack on titan. just gets grabbed and eaten. and this happens to him for such asinine reasons: 1. so that this random asf plot point of vrtra revealing himself as the true satrap can bear fruit. for some fucking reason. i struggle to understand why this is important at all but i guess it's yet another little sideplot that ew just can't seem to resist adding to its already towering plate at the plot buffet, like whatever is going on with urianger and moenbryda's parents/the loporrits, or zenos who now spends most of his time offscreen, or the twins and their father, etc, bc ew likes to waste time 2. so that g'raha (???????????????????????) out of fucking nowhere can have a big boy moment and direct the scions and the people of thavnair in their time of need. what on earth was that scene supposed to be? fanservice? a reminder that g'raha was a leader back in the first? which blows my mind bc mere moments before he had a scene i really enjoyed despite the circumstances, where after a man witnesses his son get turned into a beast and then stepped on by another beast because endwalker is literally jacking itself off to suffering and expects me to be doing the same... g’raha goes up to this man and stops him from panicking and turning into a monster himself. while i don't think any of this should be happening, i thought it was a nice take on his character to have a more sensitive moment in such a harrowing situation. i don't know, have a character demonstrate some emotional skills instead of the usual fighting ones. ofc all of this i thought mere moments before disaster. why was any of this necessary? literally why not just have the satrap, i don't know, take charge of his country when he's needed most, even if he's only been a figurehead the whole time? why let him go out so horribly when he obvious loves his people with his whole heart just so that vrtra can step in without any sort of conflict? i don't understand the focus on vrtra at all

and it actually just keeps getting worse.. the following part where you have to find matsya's friends at palaka's stand was awful. the friends have a newborn baby, so it's obvious that only that baby is surviving bc ew is convinced you don't know how harsh the world is yet. that must be why this part is so long? i'm repeating myself but so many other things that shouldn't be rushed get rushed, only for ew to devote a lot of time to sections like this where nothing changes or develops except for compounding how bad it all feels. i think it was at this point actually, that i realised endwalker actually had some underlying point it was trying to make. it would've been impossible not to realise bc of how heavy-handed it is. i'm not even going to try and paraphrase bc it was so random the way it was introduced i thought i had missed some lines of dialogue or something when it happened:

the suddenness of this felt like when a writer forsakes trying to show what a story is about and instead opts to speak to their audience directly through poorly disguised self-inserts. like i know things are bad right now guys, but the preaching tone of this is jarring. like maybe if you spent some time trying to develop your themes you wouldn't have to be doing this endwalker. i know you need your final villain to literally parrot these ideas for the rest of the game, but if this was supposed to be such a core point of the story why wait all the way until now to just beat me over the head with it? was watching a child be crushed underfoot supposed to make elderly man of palaka using the phrase "at journey's end" seem profound?

anyways then you go and try to save matsya’s friend (the mother bc the father has now died, of course). this leads us to another forced decision that doesn’t make any sense: alisaie and alphinaud fail to kill a single abomination--just the one solitary abomination that was stalking the poor woman--so that we can see it fling her into the water and her corpse dangling on the surface. in what fucking world do alisaie and alphinaud, who have single-handedly dispatched numerous abominations prior to reaching this point, fail to kill just one of them between the two of them in a way reminiscent of a cartoon, one being knocked into the other and them both falling over? how is that fucking possible? and then to somehow make things worse, because that's still possible, despite the fact that wol spends this entire segment in palaka’s stand being told by alisaie and alphinaud not to leave matsya alone because he can’t fend for himself, the twins suggest sending him back on his own to deliver the baby to palaka's stand? why??????????????????????????????

this is what i mean when i say the characters get used in the most bullshit ways for the most bullshit reasons. it's like the game needs as much suffering as possible to happen so that it can make a worthwhile point on this later on (spoiler: it doesn't) so it pulls shit like this. why would the twins, who we just watched try to spoonfeed the garleans cereleum straight from the tank, leave matsya on his own if not solely bc the story needs the doomerism of the Resolute Citizen to ring true? and this is also what i mean when i say the scions try to manage a disaster that is just not manageable, bc they for some reason believe that bc they've taken care of the abominations they saw in the area, that means the area is safe enough for matsya to go back on his own? like are we just suddenly pretending the nature of these creatures doesn't imply that anyone can turn into one at any moment? everyone is ALWAYS in danger? we're just going to mill around while matsya weathers the most potent fear of his life running back to the village on his own, with the baby of his friends who just died moments before, while we all know that extremely negative emotions cause people to turn into the monsters? why are we doing this after we just went to so much trouble keeping people safe (or failing to, really)? forget turning into monsters for a sec, why are we even letting him experience such painful emotions at all? anyways the fucking baby starts turning into a monster because this is endwalker.. but i will say that matsya running and chanting that little piece up there about how life is suffering to try and convince me it's true calm himself down was one of the cutscenes i liked the most from this entire part, maybe endwalker in general. it was another one of those emotionally poignant and well-executed moments that just suffers from how much i wish it was happening under totally different circumstances. i don't even remember why one of us doesn’t go with him, like i don't remember what we were busy doing bc it was that unimportant--no wait, i remember! we were waiting for matsya to reach the total end of his rope so that when all things seem lost, when those monsters obviously show up on his path back to the village out of nowhere like they've been doing the past painstaking quest after quest of this entire part, estinien and vrtra can get this really cool moment of jumping into save him! it all makes so much sense now. i've never seen estinien do anything really cool before like diving down from the sky with his lance, so i understand how this was a really important moment that the game needed to make happen. also how vrtra really needs to prove to the people he can be a good satrap bc ahewann just died and all. yeah, i totally get it. perfect. just great. 

what is the message behind despair turning you into a monster? we're about to get into it with meteion and try to convince her she's wrong--come out championing the idea that suffering is just one of the many aspects of life we need to accept, and yet we're going to preface that with a part where to feel despair is bad? you get punished if you do it? honestly?

whatever. elpis...we go here because we need to learn about the elpis flower. i'm thinking we're definitely just going to ask the watcher, right? like the guy on the moon who told us the name of the flower in the first place? and time is of the fucking essence here, so surely we just go back to the watcher and ask him what we need to know and come back? wrong. we're going back to the first. to talk to elidibus. i thought we killed elidibus? does nobody truly die in this game except for my favourite character? so wol gets sent back to the first, and there's this upbeat tonally dissonant little section where you catch up with some old friends like beq lugg and those kids you helped back in shb bc now is just the perfect time for pleasantries and remembering how good shadowbringers was. ew trying to relive shadowbringers was already something i was feeling out in thavnair fighting leagues of "terminus" creatures and not "forgiven" ones, and watching the carefully constructed horror and gravity of the final days get reduced to an average apocalyptic shitshow. so i can't say i appreciated this part. also people are indiscriminately turning into monsters. i can't help but have that hang over everything constantly until the end of the expansion.

anyways we go to the crystal tower and drag out elidibus even though i personally prefer when characters have their final moments and are properly laid to rest. like i hate to not only beat a dead horse but also reanimate said horse and then drag its corpse around. well fuck what i want. so elidibus willingly does this favour for us i guess and sends us to the past somehow with some useless warnings about how we won't be able to interact with our surroundings or change the past. i say useless because the former is just untrue, i'm not sure why he bothered to say it. the moment we step foot on elpis you get a nice gift of aether from emet-selch that renders you tangible and now you can proceed to live love laugh with him and hythlodaeus on elpis even though people are indiscriminately dying back home. and the latter warning, well. i don't know, that just seemed obvious. i'm kind of just a hater.

time to be positive again for a short moment, if you can believe it? emet-selch is one of my favourite characters. i enjoyed this new light cast on him...for a short while. i like his relationship with hythlodaeus and i really like hythlodaeus; i’m really fond of the faceless simulacrum version of him you meet in shb and i'm really fond of him now. learning about the unsundered world in person rather than through hearsay was interesting, and although i can't lie and say i don't think this all kind of felt like a huge tangent despite the important aspects of the plot that come out of it, i still like it. i guess it feels this way because a lot of big plot points have already been established, like the ark on the moon and the sharlayans' involvement and the final days, so this was all kind of too big to me to be coming this late into the story. it doesn't feel all that relevant to prior parts of the expansion either except for hermes, who has been poorly developed throughout, so okay, i get it. it's time to give one of the main villains some depth (i want you to guess if this is successful or not). hermes has a lot of qualities i really like. has a child, secretly nurturing a potent sadness, thinks differently from the world around him because at his core he’s too deeply empathetic…. even though i was still largely aware of the insanity happening back at home which i'm going to keep repeating, i still enjoyed elpis At The Start. the exposition of this part was easily better than its resolution. it was taking the time to develop hermes’ character so that you could see if the game was written well anyhow how he became the fandaniel of the present. i really liked his relationship with meteion too. it's getting hard to talk about what i like without simultaneously talking about what i don't like so i'm going back to criticising now, positivity over, sorry....

personally, i’d have been totally fine without any more development to emet-selch’s character. i think it was nice to see a fresh perspective on him and all, really rounds out who he is from what you know and what he talks about in shadowbringers. and i actually like a lot of the things he said throughout, not all of it, but a good amount of it was fun and sorely needed whenever hermes was being annoying, which was often. but there was a lot of times wehere i thought, i don't really need to be hanging out with emet-selch right now? i don't need my wol and emet-selch to be friends? considering who he is....? .............and what's going on back home? how many more moments showing how endearingly prickly he is do i need to see? like sure, i can enjoy this emet-selch fest in isolation of what's going on because me love emet-selch like it's not like i think these moments are bad or anything but i don't know, don't we have other things to be doing? i'm not diametrically opposed to fanservice, i like when things are kept fresh and lighthearted. but. well you know by now. about the people turning into monsters. i guess i just both enjoyed this part and wished it happened under different circumstances or in a different way or something, or maybe not at all, bc as things progress his character just gets more and more diluted.

i actually really liked meteion. i will say i’m really tired of non-human, overly childish girl children creature characters who become villains, because i think there's this concept where…idk how to say it? i wish i could find something that talks about this more... it's like the dehumanisation involved when non-binary characters or non-white characters are often not human (not that these things are done in the same way). but i feel like women or females ig are often the ones chosen to be non-human in this particular way...? like, when emotional labour is involved. or when it needs to be some taboo evil entity. it's like a guy and his part-animal female second lead or part-alien love interest or female-voiced ai system or android or abandoned girl he finds/rescues. it's kind of like the born sexy yesterday trope but without the blatant sexuality (i don't want to go on a tangent). quite often this weird quirky alien and playful girl child is a harbinger of destruction. take drakengard, for example, or fire emblem engage, or cc from code geass iirc, or veronica from fire emblem heroes.. there's apparently something about childishness and girlishness and innocence and corrupting that innocence or being fooled by that innocence that seems to incite fear of the unknown enough in people for villainous children to be a trope in general regardless of gender, but it was just something i was thinking about in regards to meteion's character, especially when she becomes evil. and this blurry line between her as a "being" with a consciousness and free well as GIVEN to her by hermes, and her as a "tool" to be used by him as well, doesn't really get addressed in any meaningful way at all. like sure, she doesn't need to eat but she can still enjoy candy apples and flowers, and can empathise bc often of her own volition she wants to cheer hermes up, but actually her ability to empathise is programmed; so let's send send her, this highly empathetic being (with consciousness and free will and tastes and personality) into the cold expanse of space for as long as it takes for hermes to find his answer, that's totally fine. why did he make it a girl? why couldn't they address the fact that the loneliest bastard in this entire game made himself a child? like i'm not saying there needs to be clear-cut definitions on what meteion is or why she or hermes take certain actions, but it feels like a lot of things regarding their characters are really complex and implied to be really deep, and then just don't go anywhere or are completely ignored or unexplained? and because these things are so present yet passed over, it leaves me genuinely confused about most of what happens on elpis and how these two specifically reach any of the conclusions they do once things start going south

like i thought what she and hermes were going to add to the story was going to be a lot more interesting and complex than what it turned out to be.....a banal mantra on the "mercy" of nihilism. i can barely reconcile what bothers hermes in the first place with what meteion concludes from her sisters' expeditions, like they almost feel irrelevant to each other. he's upset over man's lording over who deserves to live and the callousness of making and unmaking life. he feels sadder about the coming death of his friend than the average ancient, and doesn't want to accept meaningless platitudes about dying for the good of the star. ok, i agree with that. so he wants to know what meaning there is to life, if it can be so easily judged and discarded...? okay. so his answer is to....secretly create creatures without any of the rigourous testing they usually go through to prevent them from being dangerous, and then send them on a potentially dangerous and traumatising mission to answer his vague philosophical questions? like.......? so when she reports back traumatised and tells him every single society out there is suffering (which i just find so unbelievable btw), then the answer to his question must be that suffering is the meaning of life--which she figures bc she's an entelechy so i imagine she's highly susceptible to her emotional surroundings, and because his pseudo-intellectual question is so poorly framed (something only emet-selch points out in a throwaway line btw). and this alone spurs him on to allowing meteion to unmake their entire society in the most violent way conceivable? you literally tell him that the final days are coming as a result of his actions, but he's fine with it because he'd rather that than enact some policy changes at his workplace, or talking to someone? everyone seemed to listen and respect his decision when he suggested helping that creature learn to fly instead of just killing it, i'm sure he could've talked it out? isn't he in charge of the place? this entire section was so hard for me to follow bc i kept thinking something more complex was making everyone behave the way they were, when it was actually just totally senseless.

as an aside, i hate how they chose to make the way meteion reports information so cooly technological btw, it felt not only anachronistic but corny. i’m sure there's a better way to have her impartially report things without making her sound like she's reporting weather conditions on some distant planet in star trek. anyways, when you frantically search for meteion after she receives her transmission was another part that took up a lot of time for no reason. it just made everything feel so dire when i could barely understand why any of what was going on was such a big deal. and i’ll never be one to say that any bureau of anything should “detain” anyone, but why hermes was so frantic to prevent meteion from being brought to the convocation i just don't know. like he goes on the run with her so that he can hear the end of her report? is that really it? i just find it hypocritical that he doesn't want her to be sent to the convocation where they'll limit her free will or fucking whatever but he's totally fine with ordering the meteia into space? why am i being made to guess what the convocation is going to do to meteion when hermes is making it seem like such a big deal?? what fucking sense does that make? what on earth was he afraid of? their judgment? the convocation members deciding whether meteion is good for the star or not? could they not have just reasoned this out? aren’t they a "highly advanced" and "reasonable" society? like okay he sees through the veil of his utopian home but i just did not get a sense of how much it was bothering him at all, like i cannot stress enough how him going turbo feels like an insane jump from what his problems seemingly were. why did nobody stop to think this through or communicate to each other? is it because of the bullshit time paradox this game has trapped us in so that nothing we do will amount to anything anyways so we might as well make the most confused villain of all time be responsible for the biggest event in this game's history?

but it annoys me because meteion and hermes felt like such a waste of potential, maybe the biggest waste to me in the entire expansion. i was really intrigued by their wholesome relationship at the start, knowing that hermes was a main villain. and that he can't find connection or meaning in an otherwise "perfect" society, so he has to create it for himself and try to find it elsewhere, as far as the reaches of outer space... he wants to make what's hurting him stop hurting him. i like that he approaches such human desires with meteion despite her non-humanness, and that she can return those feelings to him. he wants to signify meteion’s return with a flower because they both like flowers… like those things we can’t put into words but share with others, moments, emotions, connections……..but nope. nihilism beam. it feels like the worst sort of retroactive writing ever. they didn't even think too hard about dynamis--this hugely important thing, except nobody has ever heard of it, aside from nidhana back at home? while members of the highest office in the most advanced society earth has ever had are left squinting.

and the entire section after you fight hermes just pissed me off. we kicked his ass so that we could stop him from inciting meteion any further, and yet we just let him hear her out anyways? he's yelling at you during the entire dungeon that he just wants the time to hear her out, we're chasing after him so that we can stop him from doing that, and then we just let him hear her out anyways? and then even when we do that she doesn’t even say anything different? she just goes right back to reporting on different worlds and how self-destructive they are and That's All She Really Proceeds To Say For The Rest Of The Expansion But Fucking Who Cares Anymore. so we let her repeat herself. this sends her into a spiral, because she's an entelechy who just got hit by a high frequency nihilism beam, but subjecting her to all that despair is only ever addressed by one of the scions in a throwaway line near the very end of the story in ultima thule... and then hermes...captures venat, emet-selch and hythlodaeus??? he captures two of the strongest characters in the game? did we not just kick hermes’ ass??? what is going on?

emet-selch: that's bullshit, and you know it's bullshit

hermes: *says more bullshit*

i really think hermes might be one of the worst villains in the game. it's a shame bc i think he's such an interesting character. i'm not sure why he started behaving like such an incel when he was right to be troubled by the things he was? why did they even bother have wol relate to him over experiencing sadness from loss if that just went totally nowhere? why does he behave so hypocritically? being saddened by loss leads to him setting the stage for the final days? him hating man's jurisdiction over other lives leads to him wiping emet-selch's and hythlodaeus' memories, and subjecting the entire planet to the worst test ever? he's not even morally grey or anything! just annoying! i saw someone say that it's even worse that he wants the ancients to prove that their life is meaningful to them, bc it's true, they do??? like isn't that what venat interrupts them from doing in the answers cutscene, calling back for that lost life? isn't that what you learn in shadowbringers? didn't an entire half of their population sacrifice themselves so that the other half could live? what the fuck else did they need to prove?

this part was pissing me off even more because i never even wanted hythlodaeus or emet-selch to learn about where wol came from or about the final days coming in the first place. i thought that was an awful writing decision. telling them just felt weirdly cruel to me considering elidibus explicitly told you there was nothing you could do to change it. maybe this is just my opinion, but why would anybody want to know that their planet is going to go up in flames and there is nothing they can do to stop it? telling venat i was like sure, she becomes hydaeyln so this makes a little more sense to me, but the other two…….? this is around when i was getting tired of the emet-selch cameo, because i don't really care to know what he thinks of his future self? i couldn't really understand what the point of any of that was? so it annoyed me even further that it amounts to nothing anyways when they get their minds conveniently erased. it felt like a fucking joke. why did we revive these characters, develop them, and then just treat them like tools...? like now that we're done using their powers and creation magicks--i thought, naively--we just toss them aside? like ohhhhh noooooo now they won't remember all the fun we had on elpis this is so sad......but at least before he got his memories wiped emet-selch, even though he definitely totally doesn't believe a fucking word i say, renews his shb vows to wol and leaves the future in my hands again? yeah, i totally wanted to hear him say that a second time. forget how deeply affecting and important a moment that was at the end of shadowbringers. i really needed to see him do that one more time in this shittier, more contrived context. that's really what i needed from endwalker. also i've been on reddit reading what people have to say about endwalker out of curiosity (ppl make a lot of good points that i haven't) and someone pointed out that moments before all this happens venat literally pulls memories from the aether around you so that we can watch hermes send the meteia to space. what on earth is stopping anyone from doing that for hermes, hythlodaeus, and emet-selch? but whatever, i already know the writing doesn't care how silly it is anymore. two of the strongest ancients get bound by a weakened hermes, only break out after the story conveniently needed meteion to start flying into space, and then venats lets her escape somehow even though doing so essentially dooms their entire planet. ok

so we’re back home and we have to go immediately help the thavnarians who are being punished for not being white again. the sharlayans were going to bring them to the teleporter to the moon in garlemald to start getting them on the moon, but oops, the final days have come to garlemald, so now we can't use the teleporter, so if you're thavnarian your life sucks. who saw that coming? absolute waste of time. so then we have to get rid of more beasts because we need to waste even more time doing something we already spent an agonising amount of time doing in thavnair. and then immediately after this we need to......wrap up yet another asinine plot thread endwalker is so obssesed with adding to it's already convoluted story: fourchenault excommunicating his children...? it seemed really important when he did this in post-shb, but materially nothing for alphinaud or alisaie really changed, everyone still gets into sharlayan no problem. ultimately i just didn’t really know why they chose to pursue this mini-plot at all because how many more pushes does alphinaud (i'm saying alphinaud bc he does not share that spotlight with alisaie lmfao) need to become resolute in his goals? he already does this throughout the series? they ruined arenvald's legs in post-shb so that alphinaud could become more resolute in his goals, why keep dedicating time to this? just keep juggling endwalker, just keep juggling. anyways we’re in garlemald, we calm the final days for now, zenos shows up out of nowhere to remind us he’s still in the game. and to be fair to him that was one of the most interesting cutscenes he’s had the whole time, and, get this--they have him randomly answer hermes' question? about the meaning of life? while talking to jullus? like jullus gets mad at him for not giving a fuck about causing what happened to garlemald, and zenos responds by saying: "ask any creature of this star and those above for answers, and they will tell you what suits their fancy. and they would be right to do so. what meaning there is to be found in the petty vicissitudes of your existence must be gleaned by you and you alone." like......? he just provides the answer right there in a conversation with jullus? did this expansion have any interest at all in putting any of its different parts in conversation with each other, or are we supposed to just try and build a good story like a puzzle, where the pieces, albeit interesting, don't actually fit together? weren't zenos and fandaniel working together at the beginning of the expansion? he should have just posed this question to zenos because the answer was apparently right fucking there, with the flattest character in the entire game, this whole time? whatever, i still liked this scene. alisaie putting a curse on zenos was very cool of her. so we're back in garlemald and....….tonal dissonance! puddingway shows up. cute scene where g’raha’s ears perk up also bc he's the one who hears the loporrits coming. just in case you forgot about g’raha, which is an oxymoron. and then maybe the second worst segment of endwalker...........we go back to labryinthos. 

now i love labryinthos. i thought it was interesting we only collected one aetheryte the first time we were there, and i was hoping the place would be as intriguing to me as it first was when we got back. admittedly learning that the sharlayans' secrecy only amounted to contributing to the moon project was kind of a let down, but i thought maybe there was still more to it. i mean, an ark to the moon? the abandonment of one's home planet? it's not like the ideas aren't there. let's go back to elpis for a second. one of the moments that really stood out to me during that part was a throwaway line that emet-selch says to wol after hermes starts freaking it:

he's right. i don't think hermes found society so truly beyond help that he couldn't turn to any one of his peers for help before devising such a reckless plan. but i'm not trying to rehash my issues with hermes, more that i think an interesting parallel could have been made, possibly, with the ark flying to the moon as currenlty the most viable solution to the final days problem? challenging this notion of just throwing it all away as a last resort? especially because it's so obvious to me that by the end of this expansion nobody is actually going into space to start a new life out there; trying to sort out living accomodations and acquaint the lopporits properly with earth is just a waste of time. so why not pose the underlying question of the entire expansion, about what makes life meaningful, to the last bastion of hope in the entire universe--the sole planet amongst millions of dead stars that still believes in itself? would it not just be free real estate to try and connect this story's multiple parts together by ...connecting this story's multiple parts together? the scions say repeatedly how much they'd prefer to protect their planet rather than leave it, and everyone on earth vouches for you because they don't want to leave, either. could they not have made a connection in some way between that ark and the meteia's voyage to outer space? could the writing not have turned around and asked the actual inhabtants of the planet of that we've helped and saved and laughed with and broken bread with or whatever the fuck what they think about the meaning of life, now that they have to leave that life behind? i guess fucking not??? i guess endwalker would rather only highlight civilians when they're being turned into abominations to drive home the same points about life = suffering constantly, and not the points about how despite the suffering life needs to be lived? because they don't actually seem to care about challenging meteion's nihilism when that can just be lazily solved by beating her up at the end. hermes could have been learning to love the world he was on, the smaller things that make it beautiful. because that's what he does, he creates this creature that is built to understand him, and it does and it shares these small joys with him. but nope, time to waste time doing fetch quests in labryinthos. find every single researcher who is obviously losing their mind with stress in labryinthos and give them their government-assigned lopporit while this hectic music with only one minute's worth of loop value plays in the background. go and deliver these papers with alisaie and alphinaud bc if you do a former friend of their father’s will tell them that their father actually loves them duh that’s why he disrespects them publicly every chance he gets. go follow one of the lopporits around while they sample fruits so that they can learn to make food other than carrots. go and watch urianger reconcile with moenbryda's parents even though she died all the way back in a realm reborn. fuck you. also everyone is still just a bad day away from turning into an abomination. just in case you forgot.

that shit where asahi shows up to take fandaniel away for the final time might be top three most bizarre scenes in all of final fantasy fourteen btw. i almost didn't want to mention it, but i need it on record how silly i thought that was. we are in the final stages of this expansion and it still can't stop wasting time. did we see ardbert's thoughts on elidibus using his body? no. but asahi was who they chose to get upset about this? ok.

i liked the trial against mother. you might have noticed i've had very little to say on venat this whole time. that might just have to be its own post or something if nobody is sick of me by now. but anything to do with working together with your friends to overcome a trial is good.

that's what i liked about ultima thule. at the same time, this is where the game finally just loses me forever. i think, somehow, even despite all the things i didn't like, the way the story is told i still enjoyed, even if what it was saying was often. bad. there's still a lot of moments i really liked despite it all. but after ultima thule i was just done. we get on the ark. great. i like that things don't go as planned because meteion intercepts our ship. but now meteion is finally here, which means it's finally time for me to reckon with the pseudo-intellectual nihilism she's been touting every chance she gets. it's hard for me to suspend my disbelief that every single society out in space wanted oblivion, but if that's what endwalker wants me to believe for the sake of its story making sense (oxymoron) then fine. ok. but that's all that's ever said. "life is suffering" "life is suffering" "the final days are really bad"

just the same pseudo-intellectual browbeating about how living just leads to constant strife and the most beautiful thing to do is to just end it all for everyone ever again. like sure, empath hears death cry repeatedly--i can see how meteion could change so permanently. i think that's fine. i doubt that's why she's so repetitive. i genuinely just 't think there's nothing anyone really had to say on this. and the thing is, we've heard this argument before? the idea that humanity is imperfect so they don't deserve to live? it will all amount to nothing, so why let it continue to exist? these are major points of conflict from shadowbringers because it's what emet-selch was always saying. the difference is that emet-selch is just an easily more interesting and fleshed out character whose arguments are largely more complicated, even if they're just as morally wrong. like it's extremely easy for me to answer whatever meteion is saying with a resounding no. and while i feel that emet-selch can also be easily disagreed with on what he believes, bc i do disagree--he at least introduces ideas that complicate the story and his own character. he challenges the scions on their hatred of primals--their god is a primal. he offers visions of a world where nobody has to struggle ever again, where strife doesn't exist, and so on and so forth. while that doesn’t justify his actions, nor do i think they should, i think he at least gives the characters something to think about. he throws their own actions back at them. why would the scions not want a world without suffering? when emet-selch asks alphinaud if he believes half of the sundered world would give up half of their number to save the other half, alphinaud is unable to answer because he knows that the answer is no. i don't think humanity should be tested, let alone with such an insane standard, but i at least think that the questions being asked in shadowbringers were interesting. there's a point to them. with meteion, all she basically says to the scions is that she’s going to fucking kill everyone they know and love in the worst way possible. nothing to chew on that wouldn't better be solved by just getting rid of the threat. i don't know why they even bother arguing with her ever. she doesn't even feel like a character to me in that last section of the game. and they keep trying to have her seem all scary by having her get really close to the screen or move around without warning which is all very silly to me. i at least did like how much of a threat she was, and the way thancred vanished, and then everyone finds themselves in that dark area in front of the ship wondering where he is while the ultima thule music plays for the first time, distantly and quietly. i actually really liked that part. i thought it was really moving. i wish it had stayed that way.

the first area of ultima thule was the best part imo. i liked the immense darkness and quiet and lack of wind and the foul air and  yet, green grass. i liked the strange horror of being the only person at first who could really see the dragons, and then learning that estinien can see them too. i liked how that was the segue for his sacrifice. having those "final" moments with a specific scion each time until that climactic moment that pushes the group forward i really liked. i liked that thancred was no longer with them but still with them, a presence over them keeping them safe from harm. i found that very touching. but i was actually really confused while going through ultima thule becuase of how they visually shows what happens, like while the swirling vortex each scion would stand in was cool, and then standing to face off against that dark bird, i think what those things actually represented i just did not really understand what was actually being done or going on. i think that might be because dynamis suffers a bit from being just too nebulous or underdeveloped. i don't mind how abstract of a concept it is, i mean aether is used to do all sorts of never-explained things all the time.. it's more like... if ultima thule is going to be a place ruled by emotions, with laws different from what the scions are used to, it's hard for me to see how they were able to really draw any conclusions about where they were or what to do. it actually kind of reminded me of the logic of jojo's bizarre adventure where an attack only overrules another attack not becuase of some fundamental power scale the reader understands, but bc of what araki feels like contriving to get the story moving the way he wants. and that's fine because it's jojo. but this is ffxiv, so in my mind ultima thule should have either remained abstract and they don't try to explain the rules of the place so much, or they should’ve just made what was going on less abstract if they were going to try to logic the place out

what i mean is: the scene where estinien argues with that dragon so that he can overcome its despair is really cool. i liked that he turned into a cool wind. i liked that your friends sacrificed themselves for the sake of their home, that the power of their hopes for wol to overcome this final challenge was the only way they could move forward in such a stagnant place, as well as the only way they could be protected by meteion's violence. but after estinien does it--and he admits that he doesn't know how, just that it was the right thing to do--it feels like the writing immediately tries to specify what's going on so that there's some easy way forward the scions just have to follow the rulebook for, so that they can get to meteion. when urianger takes wol and g'raha aside i was actually just so lost. i don't know what it was i wasn't getting. i still don't. like to kind of say that there’s always one "individual" in these fake worlds who is despairing more than the others that can be located if they just identify a certain set of behaviours... this kind of just waters down what the scions are doing and the magic of being at the universe's end or w/e to me. we use language because of our inability otherwise to really express the depth of emotions and sensations that exist in this world, not the other way around--trying to box in something so complex through things like processes and so on...so to try and narrow down this part kind of rung a bit hollow to me. it was somehow both overexplained and underexplained at the same time. this might seem kind of nitpicky but i guess it was just hard for me to enjoy ultima thule when i was genuinely confused almost the whole way throughout. and bc the ea and the omicrons were so goddamn annoying. trying to do this slapdash learning about their societies at the very end of the game was just like...? okay? why bother, all they really care about is dying anyways. and then that final dungeon, ew's final attempt at replicating the wins of shadowbringers (the amaurot dungeon) with meteion's voice over. like who cares now meteion, you are somehow still just repeating yourself. endwalker is almost at it's end girl, i get it. everyone wants to die.

where i actually started to get annoyed though was where y'shtola says in no uncertain terms not to use the retcon crystal hydaelyn gave you to call their spirits back. y'shtola, you shouldn't have bothered, because you know wol is going to do absolutely that. why even have her say it? there is no sense of risk whatsoever because that crystal is involved. i still liked the sacrificing, but maybe they should have framed it in a way where it wasn't obvious that the scions were going to be totally fine. ew literally didn't seem ballsy enough to kill all of the scions, and i don't think it should've either. but then it just makes this all very wishy-washy. and even worse was when wol used it to summon HYTHLODAEUS AND EMET-SELCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????????? i was so annoyed. i'm still annoyed. back when their memories got wiped hythlodaeus was like oh yeah by the way emet did you know that in the aetherial sea you can get your memories back haha? and i was like okay cool so when they die they can get their memories back, whatever, still don't think me and emet-selch should've been live love laughing on elpis. i didn’t actually think this game would be so juvenile as to let you get to meet them once more with their memories fully intact. i don't know why ew has to dot every i and cross every t and sign off every single bit of intrigue with the biggest fucking full stop The End ever where emet-selch is concerned, holy fuck man. i hated this decision so much. your friends SACRIFICE THEMSELVES so that WOL can face meteion. they believe that at the very end of everything, hydaelyn believes that at the very end of everything, WOL is the one who can defeat meteion. they all put so much faith in you. and the first thing you do is summon emet-selch and hythlodaeus because what? because you just can't fucking help yourself? just shit all over the importance of carrying your friends’ beliefs in you. christ i hated that. i loved seeing the elpis flowers grow all over that fake sun. why couldn't that have been wol who grew them, wol's turn to use dynamis to overcome meteion's despair, flowers that represent the hopes every single person on earth has placed in them to see their star to safety? why? emet-selch there for what? to set in stone his position as the Tsundere once and for all? is that it? to have him renew his vows to wol for the millionth time just in case you forgot that he wants you to take up the mantle of their future? i wish they would go back to never making emet-selch palatable and less hostile to the warrior of light, it feels like such a disservice to the character he was in shadowbringers and to just their characters in general like i do not want to be canon friends with emet-selch! it's not necessary! it's fucking emet-selch! what's even worse is that for some reason while the flowers are growing, emet-selch is just point blank explaining what's going on. he literally says something like, "these flowers are the hopes of everyone meteion you're washed. by the way, if you didn't catch that, wol. you can summon your friends back now." immersion gone. any sense of playing a game that actually gives a fuck gone. so we call our friends back, only to send them away again with the teleporter because meteion is just too strong for us. to be fair i liked that decision, but why fake me out a second time having me think yes, finally wol is going to face meteion ON HER OWN. and then have ZENOS show up? i actually just stopped playing and went to bed. genuinelly just fuck me. who fucking cares anymore.

and then after you finally get meteion to stop being emo and she offers to reconcile with you by sending you safely back to your friends it's like, actually i can't even accept this meteoin. because i have to go fight zenos now. and then it's crazy to me that after you kick zenos' ass for like the millionth time, we're literally on the edge of the world so i'm finally expecting him to say something worth listening to, he opens his mouth and says "you know, wol, this whole time... i've been so bored... and the only thing that gives me joy is fighting you...” like. stuck record. the writers dragged him all the way out here to be a stuck fucking record

i like endwalker btw. kind of. like i know nobody who reads this is going to believe me but i really do. if it had just, well. i don't even know. there's too much wrong with it. it wastes too much time and just doesn't seem to be able to let go. how is it possible that an expansion can make me tired of callbacks to haurchefant being important to wol? i've never felt that before. like how many more flashbacks to his grave does one need to have to know that when wol is fighting for their world they're fighting for their friends too. but this game just cannot let things go. it NEEDS to make that joke about alphinaud gathering firewood four more times. it makes anything i appreciated the second or maybe even the third time just upset me. they can't let anything go, they have to wave it in front of me like it's a dog treat and i'm a dog. a fucking dog with blonde hair and blue eyes

[mdhwrites]

You know, I think Dana didn't plan Belos at all in s1.

The whole eating palismen wasn't even a thing till s2. And what frustrates me about it the most is Lilith, most of her actions in s1 created a huge plot hole in s2 with that decision. He confiscates and eats all the palismen yet she's allowed to keep hers while Hunter is on a stress marathon at the idea of Belos finding Flapjack, and I couldn't care much since Lilith was right there. Same about the coven sigils, why does she not have one????? She was the freaking E.C head not just a regular.

And another plot hole about the sigils brands, one coven scout mentioned switching covens (Severine was her name don't remember the episode), was that meant to be a silly joke? Or considering that Dana voiced her, people assumed she did it to poke fun at Disney's decisions. It still creates a contradiction to the brands being permanent tho, people did consider a possibility that there's a way to debrand someone, and there should be in this case right?

Sometimes I feel like Dana cares more about hating Disney than writing sense in her story and I'm tired to pretend it's not like that, which pisses me off. Can you forget about that mouse for a damn second to consider that maybe you shouldn't write some things that make no sense? Or be aware of your time limit to not write certain things, like the freaking collector? But god forbid you'd be mad at her in this fandom smh🤦

So... I could talk about each of these subjects on their own. Belos/Philip as just a complete mess of a character and inconsistencies, Palisman and how they're a good concept that got fucked over by what this blog will actually be about and the EC/Coven system which... Holy fuck. HOOOOLY Fuck S2 fucks it up sideways.

And because I've talked some about some of these topics, here are three different blogs covering

Belos' asinine rise to power and TOH wanting to mirror historical fascism in his rise.

Talking about why people are mad about Stringbean is the closest I've actually come to talking majorly about Palisman.

And I did some talk about metatext and plain text to do with the magic tracks in TOH that is about to become VERY relevant to this blog.

It's actually your last paragraph I want to talk about though. Because... The problem isn't that Dana was too focused on hating Disney. That would only explain, realistically, the problems with S2B and S3 and the jokes at the Mouse's expense take very little time and don't really detract from the show. It is not a major issue about her as a writer.

Now before I get into what her biggest weakness, at least as you can tell from TOH, is as a writer: Don't attack creators. I am attacking her writing and criticizing it but I am not attacking her as a person or getting mad at her. Her creation does nothing offensive, nothing cruel, etc. like that. Are there problems with it? Yes. Do I have issues with how she has used excuses to shield herself and TOH from criticism? Yes. But we still need to be good people and I just wanted to take a moment to remind everyone about that.

Anyways: I've talked at LENGTH about the fact that TOH has a focus problem. That it is effectively three shows at once. I even just yesterday talked about how this lack of focus damages its ability to have coherent themes because nothing is given enough time, attention or is actively contradicted eventually.

As the show runner, it's Dana's job to keep focus. To not let writers do whatever they want and keep the show consistent and in continuity with itself. Her job, effectively, is to follow a line I ADORE:

A great piece of art knows as much what it isn't as it knows what it is.

The problem is... Dana quite obviously doesn't agree with this. She appears by her writing to have a mentality that there is no idea she doesn't like. There is no statement, regardless of the contradictions it makes.

If you want to talk about how early this happens, just look at Covention. Dana, as the creative lead, should know that the covens are a very serious thing, that the nine covens are important to Belos' plans and she should know about glyph magic.

That is the episode that introduces there being potentially HUNDREDS of covens simply for the sake of a job fair joke and setting and also the power glyph EXISTS. Yes, the power glyph is used to make Amity more impressive in the fight, cranking up the spectacle, but notice how it has NEVER been brought back up? And Construction magic explicitly isn't what was described when we were first told about it? Almost like witches using paper goes against Amity's shock at seeing Luz use a piece of paper to cast a light spell.

Dana also should be the one most acutely aware of how dangerous it is for a witch to be a wild witch. How much deciding to use multiple forms of magic is hazardous to them. Well... Dana was on the writing team for First Day (linked in the metatext blog) and Reaching Out was SOLELY written by Dana. You know, an episode where Amity treats joining a coven like going to college, Alador has no objections about this and the twins both get a bad girl coven shirt like it's something to purely celebrate for them.

And if we look at what Dana hasn't explicitly written, she still doesn't appear to be willing to say no to anyone. Hollow Mind was written by other people and includes the line that the Titan was believed to be dead when Belos rising to power. In King's Tide, an episode Dana DID write, Belos talks about Luz must having been blessed by the Titan in order to have already gotten glyph combos despite Belos being the LAST person who should think the Titan is alive, especially since he's been in the things skull and made a fake religion around it.

Worse yet is that while Dana has never met an idea she doesn't like... She's never met an idea she likes enough to commit to. So much of the show is about presenting potential, even with what I've described above, but then doing nothing with it. In fact, more often than not, ESPECIALLY WITH THE COVEN SYSTEM, it will be discarded, ignored or changed for the sake of a different concept. Amity's parents are like this where Alador seems 90% on board with anything Odalia does in his first two appearances but then he's only a little neglectful but still moral come Reaching Out. We can have Luz and Amity try to have a healthy relationship and agree to not lie to each other but that would make the reveal of Luz's dad being dead so much harder so just... ignore that. It's okay that Luz is still blatantly lying and breaking her girlfriend's trust.

Remember: It was Dana's FIRST solo episode, Eda's Requiem, that setup how important the coven heads were for the sake of the Day of Unity. That even one going missing at this point would be a MAJOR problem for it.

Buuuut that is a problem that a lot of prophetic fantasy faces and usually doesn't have an answer to. It's a hard thing to have an answer as to why the heroes don't just keep one mcguffin away, let alone what TOH did with three of them being on the side of good. So what did other writers do with it when they actually had to deal with what Dana had written?

Throw that shit out in one line that implies replacing coven heads is as easy as replacing paper plates.

The show is, to put it lightly, a disaster. And you know a better show runner can do better than this because Amphibia doesn't have these contradictions. Gravity Falls doesn't have these contradictions. Hell, we go to less renowned media, to stuff like Randy Cunningham Ninth Grade Ninja or Danny Phantom and THEY don't have the same sorts of inconsistencies despite being about as serialized as TOH just not touting that as some sort of revolutionary aspect of it.

And the worst part? At least to me? It... It's a fanfiction writing problem. And in fanfiction, it's fine. Fanfiction is meant to use a piece of media to explore every potential part of the world and characters it wants. A professional piece of media, that takes so much money and effort to create, is meant to have greater focus and coherence so as to actually have a point to its story.

And if you want a comparable example for professional work, look no further than 50 Shades of Grey. I'm not saying TOH is as bad as 50 Shades but they both suffer from whenever the writer loses interest in an idea and just writes it out or has it vanish for no reason. Both go on tangents when the writer has some new idea that comes into their brain.

It reminds me of when people would ask while I was writing Crises Girlfriends, "What are Gus and Willow doing in this AU?" Because I am more of an original writer than I am a fanfic writer, and Crises Girlfriends was a story that I always planned to convert to original fiction, I'd never even considered them. Not for even a second.

Because... Could I have given them a role? Yes. But like TOH, it would have been performative, dilute the point and focus of the story and just felt like a waste of word count. So I didn't include them because they had no point.

But it was also fanfiction and Willow and Gus probably mean a lot to the people who asked. That's not their fault. That's part of fanfiction. I didn't get mad or anything, I just described what I just did as to why they wouldn't show up.

Because I knew what Crises Girlfriends was. I can make a one sentence pitch for it. It's about two girls who find love through the person they are with, but find help through the place they're in. It gets across how the two give support and care for each other but that love isn't the answer to mental health so within the story, you can actually expect some treatment of their mental health issues.

For Amphibia, you can say "It's the story of how another world helps bring light to the flawed friendship of three girls and makes them better people" and that works for explaining the main thrust of Amphibia.

What the hell is the main thrust of TOH? I can say what its main theme is, that self expression is king, but that's even an awkward placement when it clearly wants to be about reality versus fiction. But then it also is way too much wish fulfilment. It wants to be subversive of the fantasy genre but it uses too many of the tropes and excuses of it.

It doesn't know what it isn't, which doesn't let it know what it is. And that's such a shame. =======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead,

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

[laciefuyu]

NXX Feat FFXIV

(aka I am blasting my niche)

Apologize in advance for long text LOL

People who follow me before my new obsession aka Tears of Themis definitely know I keep using FFXIV quotes for my Jedi gifset (which I will willingly attest that it has some of the best writing in the media.) 

Anyway if I didn't make it my niche aka Tears of Themis x FFXIV that won't be me. So let's ramble about NXX members and what they will play (race and main jobs) and faves NPCs in the game and whatever popped up in my mind.

Main Character/Rosa

She was thinking of an idea for team bonding because they are friends and she wants to do something together

Luke proposed FFXIV because it's an MMO (so they all can play together) and has a good story.

She looked up and immediately agreed after seeing the glams of the various wol (warrior of light/playable character)l.

She was thinking of playing as a female miqo'te at first but she saw how jacked female roegadyn is, immediately steering to it with the speed of light.

She knows she wants to avoid tanks and healers because that is too much responsibility when she just wants to attack.

She ends up with arch/brd (archer/bard) for starters because 1) physical range means away from big mechanics 2) she just wants to shoot the boss from far.

Later end up becoming the main mch (machinist) because 1) cool gun 2) she is learning to shoot irl so it makes it more fun for her 3) she can PEW PEW in the game.

Always going blind to any dungeon, trial, and raid.

Because FFXIV can make you play all jobs if you will it, she tried it all eventually but she prefers being dps especially range dps

Sometimes she fights with people on forums because people keep saying mch is a useless job, and she will not stand for it!!!!

Likes to collect glams so she often drags NXX boys to farm a certain raid and dungeon to get variations.

Her favorites are Minfilia and Lyse. She really loves their characters.

She is also fond of Aymeric and G'raha. 

Used to dislike Emet-Selch but then she sobbed over him. After that, she will clown Emet-Selch whenever he shows up on the screen.

She loves Venat after Endwalker.

Artem Wing

He chose to play Elezen. He actually prefers duskwight elezen but seeing the psychiatrist stating he is going to play duskwight, he detracted from his choice because he doesn't want to ruin the mood.

Rosa casually mentioned isn't he want to play as duskwight because he was looking for the lore, and because Vyn has brain cells he put it together and gave Artem a dirty look. 

(It's just a feeling, but I think Artem in general is not sure where to put himself in a friend group especially when one of them previously had some kinda bad blood between them.)

They Have a Fun Talk™

Anyway in the end Artem still played as wildwood elezen but at least the air between the two is no longer silly and tense.

(The younger trio wanna know so badly what they talk about but neither is relenting)

Because Artem is Artem he is looking up the game stuff after the idea is proposed. He is not used to playing games all that much and feels the need to know how to do it correctly so he won't end up being a bother.

Funnily, he looked up the race lore and the twelve but managed to avoid spoilers because there is always a preface of warning when it reaches that territory of expansion spoilers.

He actually studies mechanics before they enter any dungeon, trial, or raid. 

Artem ended up playing tank as main because the younger trio preferred main dps and they needed a tank. Luke is an all-rounder but he avoids healer and tank roles when possible.

He chose gld/pld (gladiator/paladin). He studied the starter tank role and found that he would like to play that job the most.

He also played dps as either mch (because it feels right since he can use a gun) or blm aka black mage (he finds it fun to get a spot and to Not Move and deliver big damage)

Actually really into the story, and take notes while cutscenes play. 

(This left the other three confused while Rosa giggled to herself because she already knows it's his mockingbird self that is surfacing.)

Is actually a really good tank because he always does his rotation and mitigation correctly. Not without stumbles but he keeps improving to the point he can play tank with ease.

Multiple times saving a normal trial/raid because he got good mitigation and clemency (healing button) and finished the raid/trial or saving healer before dying so the healer can save the rest.

His opinion of Emet-Selch is sympathetic but ultimately the damage is already done, and his end is inevitable.

He really likes Aymeric. Find it admirable that the man is able to stay in his conviction even when the place and people he wants to protect would not always stand by him. He is glad to see Aymeric people in the corner no matter how few there are. Artem hopes that he could always stay true to his conviction too like Aymeric 

Is actually crying at Venat's famous monologue. (Flabbergasted the team)

His favorite scion is papalymo therefore it made him sad when he died.

Also loves watching countries' leaders growth, especially for Merlwylb and Nanamo.

Vyn Richter

He chose to play Duskwight because he finds them fascinating and also finds that they deserve better and should be given more fleshed-out lore.

He has a Fun Talk with Artem because they are friends now and Artem needs to understand that. (Albeit Vyn thought they would be enemies longer but they are friends now he needs to make it clear.)

(He would still annoy artem time by time but that's different vibes)

For him there was no other choice but play as a healer. This just makes sense to him because he in fact has an MD. Thank you very much, he would emulate this energy in a game too.

Vyn learned healing in the game very fast. 

His starter job is arc (arcanist) but immediately steers to sch (scholar) as soon as they get lvl 30, and he actually finds it funny when the fairy jank.

His main job is sge (sage) later on. It is interesting that the attack can heal, and he wants to master it.

He actually can play all healer but he finds whm (white mage) a bit mind-numbing, and while ast (astrologian) is fun with keeping up healing, cards, and attack he prefers something more reliable like sge.

He still plays because when there is a fairy jank, he finds it fun to play. It was also his first healer job, so he was kinda attached to it.

(And because he loves the barrier healer job. He will have to heal but he loves that he could mitigate or prevent the damages.)

He sometimes argues with Artem because of his use of clemency.

("Have more faith in your healer or play healer yourself, Artem." Vyn said in annoyance.

Artem sighed, "I canceled the clemency, Vyn.")

That said, sometimes he had to hand it to Artem because his decision to save or to mitigate the healer was usually top notch.

He only ever tells him good job and does not elaborate.

The only non-healer job he plays is rdm (red mage)

He sometimes studies the mechanic before entering the dungeon/trial/raid, but sometimes he trusts his ability enough to wing it. (He said 'I will wing it' usually when they all played in the same room instead of playing in their own place. He found it funny when Artem gave him an annoyed, yet fond look.)

That said, healing the younger trio is actually more stressful than healing Artem who plays tank.

Both Rosa and Marius play main range dps, and they are always somewhere in narnia (as in a far-off range of the heals) and Vyn either had to use a rescue button or adjust his range.

Vyn never does this to Rosa, but he sometimes uses the rescue button to drag Marius straight to the killing mechanic.

("IS THAT NECESSARY?"

"Easier to kill you than healing you.")

Luke is a different kind of trouble for Vyn. He is always on range most of the time, but he is always trying to maintain uptime therefore sometimes he dies at the silliest mechanic.

Vyn, pulling a face: behave or else

(Never make your healer mad, folks)

His favorite scion ironically is Thancred.

He took a glance and saw a man full of contradictions and took it personally. He loves to psychoanalyze Thancred.

He actually hates Thancred. He is a Hater but Thancred is fun to analyze then he grows to like him as a character because the chara growth is unexpected and endearing.

He grows to love Thancred (bitter)

Vyn is also very fond of Cid. He can relate to Cid's story and how made the decision to step away from the Garlemald. Vyn hates Garlemald as soon as they are mentioned in the game.

He takes one glance at Ishgard and is immediately a Hater. Remind him too much of Svart. He thinks Aymeric is too soft and should take care of himself more instead of the ungrateful country.

He is pretty sympathetic to Yotsuyu albeit in the end, he knows there is no good end for her.

He hates Emet-Selch. 

He is very fond of Y'shtola because one sane person (in his opinion) and the sass along with intellectuals are fun to see.

He grows to like the twin.

He has a lot of Opinion™ on Venat but ultimately he could see it as a desperate gambit at the end of the world.

"This is why an ethical class is needed for scientists and the like. Also, Hermes needs therapy. His coping mechanism is to drag the world to hell."

Luke Pearce

He is the one who suggested FFXIV when Rosa suggested gaming as bonding time.

He is actually a veteran player but uses a new game+ mode so he can enjoy the game with them.

He has an alts which male sun seeker mi'qote but his main is a male midlander hyur.

He likes to say he plays all roles but he actually doesn't like healing as much even though he can do it very well and his habit as a melee player is always bleeding through when he is tanking which causes healers to get annoyed at him.

(He still gets healer annoyed at him as melee dps but he always delivers big damage so.)

His main from the beginning is pgl/mnk (pugilist/monk) and he is one of the few people who lament when the devs tried to remove some positionals. ("But that's the fun of playing monk!!!")

Is actually a melee jobs specialist, but his best damage has always been when he plays mnk.

Luke tried to not be silly for Vyn but his Positional Is Important™

("Sorry Vyn! But-

"-My positional is important."

"Yes." Embarrassed.

Vyn sighed.)

He is the one who calls out for extreme trials or savage raids.

He knows most mechanics, that's why he can clear things with ease, the only issue is that as melee, he is very greedy for more damage so all his dead usually is silly.

He knows the story is good, so he was looking forward to seeing all of them reacting to it.

Luke already predicted all of Rosa's possible reactions to it. There is something satisfying watching people reacting as expected in certain scenes

He is happy to know Marius also likes it, commenting on what he likes and also sobbing at some parts. He finds all of Vyn's comments either funny or very on point.

Artem was unexpected because Luke didn't expect the oldest to be very taken to the story, even taking notes and all. He provides thoughtful opinions that give him more insight into a game. Luke thought he already aced all the lore then there is Artem.

Luke is HELLA curious about what is written in the notes.

His favorite scion is G'raha, previously it was Minfilia. He likes their optimistic view, and he cried a lot over Minfilia's fate and G'raha's life during shadowbringer. Hope Punk all the way!!

He hates Emet-Selch's gut for a while but also pities him because Emet-Selch lost so many people he loves and Luke could understand the feeling.

The burden of memory, but he couldn't approve of the way Emet-Selch handled it either. It's complicated.

He is very fond of Hythlodaeus and thinks that kinds of people are needed in life. To not take life too seriously and enjoy it.

He loves Meteion and is very sad about her story. In the first playthrough to Endwalker, he cried at cutscenes before the Final Dungeon.

When he played the game again with NXX, he found he started to take Venat quotes to heart. 

He respects Venat as a character.

Marius Von Hagen

He was scrolling through the races and found the most perfect fit of the character he wanted. Male Viera.

He took forever designing his character to the point that Rosa and Vyn are actually bombing his dm to get faster. Luke uses his main, so he waited for them to finish and in the meantime does roulette for dungeon/trial/raid. Artem is already finished but also looking for mechanics and lore, and most gameplay. 

His starter job is arch/brd but it also became his main. His other DPS are dnc (dancer) and smn (summoner).

Marius always goes blind when doing dungeons/trials/raids. He and Rosa high-fived over this.

He and Rosa are also the most obsessed with glam therefore he always roped all of them to hunt ones. 

("Listen, I want this so badly, Artem!"

 "Me too! The phys ranger gear is so good in this one so please 🥹")

Both of them always roped Artem 1) Easier to convince (softie mode on) 2) Luke prefers to heal if he has to fill in either tank or healer 3) Vyn can be convinced but takes time.

Also the one who is most into PVP in FFXIV

"Killing people is so fun." About Frontline mode PVP

Payton almost had a heart attack hearing it out of context once. Marius has to explain it's about a game.

"C'mon let's play Rival Wing mode!!!" Marius every time they could have time to play together. Luke and he tries to outdo kills each other whenever they get on different sides.

He sometimes knew that he annoyed Vyn with his playstyle, but that only tempted him more. The result, ofc, the occasional dragged to killing mechanic.

("Worth it." 

Marius famous last words)

His favorite character is Guydelot. Rosa knows who Guydelot is because she also plays brd. The others find out of curiosity.

("He speaks to my soul you see."

"Being a drama queen?"

"Missy! How could you!")

His favorite scions are Alphinaud and Alisaie. He is really fond of their character growth. He also has a few things he relates to each twin (family legacy, finding his own path, unlearning some behavior) and he couldn't help but cheer for them. 

He loves Emet-Selch but will clown him whenever he is on screen.

("Making fascist empire to cope? Please be serious.")

Venat/Hydaelyn's last farewell made him really sad. 

He is also really curious about Artem's notes on FFXIV.

Also despite his first playthrough blunder, he is a really good brd. He always maintains his rotation if he doesn't die.

("I am a perfect support."

"Please fix your bad habit of going far off then.")

Miscellaneous

They sometimes end up using FFXIV as a reference for what they talked about and confuse people

Luke carries them through other contents such as Deep Dungeon.

Whenever Luke used the callout for the first time ex trial/savage raid, Artem was always confused about what even fisting the ground meant.

Vyn is such a good healer that it carries thru PVP 

Marius really loves giving ideas for group glams. Artem and Vyn used to resist it but now it is just a fact of life.

Rosa has tons of their gpose.

That’s what I have so far lmao. Anyone can agree or disagree, this is just my opinion after all but if this is actually a springboard for a fic where NXX finds out about Artem’s mockingbird persona? Hahaha… Unless? The NXX Idols AU is shoving guns to my temple now.

 Hope you all enjoy my niche LOL

[prismatoxic]

for anyone who is not into metal gear, who is wondering how the fuck my queer military-hating ass got into what appears to be a military shooter series, allow me to explain:

the story of the games (i am mostly talking about mgs but the original 2 metal gears are probably the same) are very anti-military down the road, as in, "i trust and believe in the military, i am a good soldier, Oh No They Have Betrayed Me because the military is corrupt, i am now my own man fighting for my own beliefs"

on top of that, they take themselves seriously only about 50% of the time (mostly 2 and 3, but 1 and 4 have their moments and even 5 is occasionally a little cheeky). these games are very silly, and they know they are very silly. they also know how to deliver an emotional gut-punch that will leave you writhing on the floor. (looking at you mgs3, and side-eyeing you mgs4)

the plot may sound convoluted from the outside, and... well, it is, but probably less than kingdom hearts is. or maybe about the same. if you can handle kingdom hearts you can handle metal gear. either way, the 45-minute cutscenes are not just filler, they do genuinely try and explain everything. i'd say 4 is the most batshit, story-wise, but it also ties a ribbon on the story of the entire solid saga, so it's worth seeing if you like the other 3. (you are then free to disregard or fix as much as you want in fanwork, natch.)

the game does geek out over guns and mechs, i'm not going to lie. however it does not ask you to do the same. there is no mechanic wherein you must know the exact specifications of a gun to win the game. the game also uses a lot of military jargon, and also makes a bunch of shit up. however i personally found that context clues explained most things. suspension of disbelief is also wildly important.

the characters are good. that's it, that's the point of this paragraph. the characters are very good. they are over-the-top a lot of the time and the dialogue is often very hokey and the voice acting is sometimes particularly hammy, and i hear everyone but david hayter phoned it in for the gamecube remake of the first game, but it all spells out a cohesive cast of bozos whom i love.

are there issues? yes. david hayter was shitcanned for mgs5 and all surrounding materials because hideo kojima wanted a bigger name in his lead role, despite david hayter having voiced (almost) every snake in every english voiced game up until that point. (kojima claimed it was to make the game more serious, but the japanese voice actor did not change at all despite being equally hammy, and otacon's eng VA voices otacon's father in mgs5, so. make of that what you will.)

the series also does not treat women well. it tries to, sometimes, but it will still sexualize them in ways that feel demeaning, often detracting from the weight of whatever story they are trying to tell.

the aforementioned 45-minute cutscenes are also... kind of an issue. (they get longer, too, especially in 4.) like, some of us have things to do, kojima.

and of course, konami booted kojima from their company sometime during 5's production; say what you will about the man, but metal gear was his baby. (personally i'd have preferred they stop at 4 anyway, and kojima had tried to quit the series several times, but wiping his credits from 5's box and continuing to make the series without him feels scummy.)

there are other issues, things i've forgotten or didn't see fit to discuss at length, but at the end of the day none of this sours the series for me. (well, maybe everything post 4, but. not the rest of them.) i enjoy the story and characters and settings a lot, and... well, i watched my partner play them, so idk about the gameplay. but i was very enraptured watching, and have already written one fic and am working on another. (both otasune.) i will draw some things when i get my art mojo back, too.

so... i hope that explains it. i mean, i can see why it might appear to come out of left field from a storied fan of persona, but really, it's not that much of a stretch. i have a lot of reasons to be here.

...did i mention the overt homoeroticism? that's. that's there too.

[cielospeaks]

f h story spoilers

honestly shoutout to seithr for literally having the best protagonist arc/ending of literally all the protagonists. no shitty boss to be subservient to for no reason like peo + ash, no life debt to the order like literally everyone else. just "im free to live my life" and sora-ing her other universe selves into her own consciousness/heart/whatever and just thirsting over the person reading this together with them. you go girl.

overall i think this book was weird but it was not bad imo. the person reading this thirst was kinda silly, both in the story context and the unnecessary divide it had in the fandom. it was definitely a more provocative take on it than other characters just being like "i kinda sorta like you uuuu/////" which is fine when its one person imo. the characters were decent. i think the only one i didnt like so much was gull veig and thats mostly for the uwu sadboi stuff w her character that i think kinda detracted from a story where maybe she's a cold and calculating "this is the only outcome" force of nature/inevitability/whatever sorta thing. (and tbh a lot of that was from cyl which was sorta eh. too bad cant help that) as far as ner thus i think shes kinda a fun "interpretation villain". like im glad a lot of people see her as the true villain/manipulator of the book bc i def get that vibe, but i know if she wasnt a busty lady and instead was a guy that the same fans would see absolutely no faults with her :/ but take what you can get i guess.

i still am a njorthur enjoyer and i like his motivation, i wish theyd just fleshed it out more. like he sees humans wasting the seas, wasting the land, killing each other senselessly. hes a stickler for good conduct and he sees humans/mortals as slovenly and disgusting and having degraded (and maybe looks down on them extra hard for in his eyes corrupting his family members, like his sisters obsession w them as well as his kids/relatives its unclear). i dont mind that his motivations arent revenge and actually i think itd be funny if the twins are the children of another sibling of him and ner thuz, completely subverting that whole plot. in my fic i think it still works, bc hed see eitr as a family member who got corrupted by mortals and turned into a nasty kidnapper

i honestly dont mind the designs and actually compared to 5 and 6 with the same illustrator it was a breath of fresh air. i do think theres an unfortunate kinda "sameface" ey trend with a lot of character designs (poor elm) but i like the idea of the loose, kinda otohime esque robes of the vana characters. kinda wish theyd get a new illustrator for every book, it would make the character designs stand out more imo. tbh i feel like another person shouldve done b5. i can accept that 3 and 6 are same as 1 bc they all focus around askr + embla but i think 5's mech designs wouldve looked cool with a different artist, + the cringe meme faces would have maybe been less irritating

anyways i honestly hope that the next book isnt asgard, just like ive hoped for the last two book reveals. but give me some time to finish my fucking fanfic first. i guess ill give my thoughts on my fic when i finish it. honestly works been so bad this year i havent had as much time for it as id have liked rip

[crestfallercanyon]

You Don't Always Have to Kill Your Darlings

I feel like a lot of writers have heard the old adage: "kill your darlings". Referring to aspects of your work that you adore, but you can tell is slowing down the narrative/not conducive to the plot/a distractor/whatever flaw it is putting there. It's where that scene/aspect you love is actually more detriment than a positive (and the only reason it might still be in that manuscript is because the author is the one who wants it there) and it really should be removed in order to improve the quality of the story.

(it's probably also been overused or taken out of context, or something, but lots of people have heard this regardless of where it comes from and a lot of people adhere to it)

So, people tell you to kill it. Recognize it's for the good of the writing and nix 'em right out of there.

For some people, this might truly be the best method. But, something that I've come to learn, is that this attitude really started screwing things up for me -- and I've heard from others that it screws them up, too. Especially, funnily enough, when it comes to when I write fanfiction.

Now, the cool thing about fanfiction is that it is entirely for people's own desires of writing. So, you don't ever really have to do anything because you don't need to have the best plot/narrative/characters etc. Fanfiction is, in itself, self-indulgent, so therefore your darlings are essentially what you're making. Some people aren't writing fanfiction to write good stories. They're doing it because they have a plot bunny and want to put it out there and they're good knowing they wrote something. For some people, this adage will not and should never apply. In which, this post really doesn't pertain to you, go about your merry way, enjoy your writing and have a ball! I'm glad you're writing at all!

However, I actually started writing fanfiction to help me with my pacing in stories. It's a practice tool for me on writing anything, and I know I'm not alone in this. Lots of people write fanfiction also with the goal of getting better at writing in general. We work for the fics to be solid stories in and of themselves, and sometimes, that means adhering to some commonly said phrases for writing. Like: kill your darlings.

Except, I find that if I just outright kill them, sometimes I freeze on the entire fic.

Which is why, I, personally, think kill your darlings might be a bit too harsh a statement. Because there's probably a reason your author brain is clinging to the darling. Maybe it's self-fulfillment, but maybe it's also 'cause there's phrases/development/action beats in there that you find you did really well and want to include. To completely obliterate that from your sight is a disservice.

So, I make something that I call a darlings dump. I use scrivener, so it's just a little folder underneath the fic that I'm writing, but it can be anywhere. A file on your computer. A notepad, whatever. It's where you place the darling scene/character/moment/chapter and take it out of your fic so that it's no longer clogging up the works, but it's not completely dead. You can still go back to reference it. You can even reincorporate it or parts of it somewhere else. I find that this, usually, gives me great relief.

Sometimes, though, even doing that really screws me up.

Like, right now, I'm writing a fic that has one major theme/plot in it, and then two subplots. And about halfway through, I started adding this other subplot. It just kind of came to me, made sense, and I liked the way it highlighted a character's inner turmoil outwardly. It's a subplot that could probably be its own fic for this particular character if I gave it effort (and one day, I still might -- even though the idea of "reusing" ideas gives me hives, I'm trying to get over that). Either way, I noticed that it might be too much to have all of these things at the same time. A reader might get overwhelmed, or it might be detracting too much focus from the fic's main idea, or honestly, the fic might just get too damn long because this wasn't meant to be that long of a fic anyway.

Anyway, the realization that it might not belong in this fic made me think "man, I should really just remove it." So I did.

My writing brain acted like I was Indiana fricking Jones or Brendan Frasier from the Mummy and that I had taken out this ancient artifact and now I am damned. Suddenly everything was on the verge of collapse. All the traps were up and firing. Things started shooting from corners I could not see. If I moved forward, I would die. I could not write anymore. I had no idea where to go. It's not even like structurally the fic relied upon this stupid subplot and suddenly there were a lot of holes in the story. It didn't take me long to remove it at all. But somewhere along the way, my inner writer got really f@#!ing attached I guess, and for some reason I could not continue without having it there.

So I put it back. All the traps stopped firing, all the alarms stopped ringing. For some reason, this silly little subplot must remain or else this thing will never get finished.

So, I guess all this post was meant to say is, sometimes, screw kill your darlings. Or even removing your darlings. At least for the moment. Even if you notice that it's probably a darling and might eventually need to be removed, finish out what you're writing with all of it's little flaws in it.

That's probably why you're really not supposed to edit until the end, anyway (but I cannot help myself). Because sometimes, even though there's an aspect that's flawed and the fic might improve upon its removal, sometimes it's the thing that's keeping your writing drive even if your reader's eye is on it like Sauron looking for the ring. You're not going to forget that it probably needs to be taken out. But if it keeps you writing, for god's sakes, leave the flaws in, because if it's remove the flaws and never finish or finish it with all the flaws, finish it with all the flaws.

Right now, you are the only reader. You actually have no real clue what the eventual readers will think of your fic, and you will never know if you never finish it. So don't let everything you think the reader is going to be upset with stop you from finishing it out. Finish it out.

And maybe everybody already knew this, but I thought I'd post about my stupid mid-writing revelation. Because I imagine, other people have had to go through this, too. And it is a bizarre experience, but it was also a worthwhile revelation for me.

TLDR: a completed fic with a darling in it is better than a never-to-be-finished fic with all of its darlings taken out. If what's keeping you from finishing your fic is because all of your little editor-bots in your brain are screaming at you that certain things are too "much" for your fic, or for your scene, or for your character, shut the fricking bots down and write blindly into them anyway. If you're worried that it will be too much for the readers, right now you are the only reader, so write what you want to write anyway.

Killing your darlings can be a truly useful thing to do in order to improve the story, yes, but if it stops you from writing the story that's the most counterproductive it could be. In the end, if you want to write and finish the fic? Do what you need to do. Even if it's a darling-filled-travesty, hey, you finished it, and that's worth all the darlings in the world. (originally posted this on Reddit r/fanfiction)

[kittymaverick]

Mystery Case Files 21: The Harbinger commentary and review, part 2.

outSpoiler free review first: Holy SHIT GRANDMA studios, talk about knocking the ball out of the park. Not only was that a solid good MCF game to start off with, you’ve now set up the expectation for the next game so high, I’m honestly a little afraid for you. Like... do you know how high the bar is now that you’ve hinted about the content of the next game? Right, coming back to Harbinger for a second. Barring one tiny little slip up which I think was just something that got lost in translation (English is like that), the lore of MCF managed to stay intact, which needs to be applauded. At one point, I almost questioned if there might be almost too many references, especially with that happens to the references in the game itself. (Yes, I, the MCF nerd and fanatic, actually had that thought). I still flip-flop a bit on whether this was a good execution, or a good but shaky execution. For one thing, the way it’s executed... wow, that’s some heavy stuff emotionally. Which is why I’m questioning if that’s “good”, because I suppose there was a line of emotional heaviness I didn’t expect we’ll cross in MCF, but GRANDMA took it there. And so far... part of me is guiltily okay with it, but wow... The studio’s art style does suggest that a detraction from from MCF’s usual Elizabethan English Horror Story with a side of Soul Steampunk and Celtic Druidism would not necessarily be a bad thing. That GRANDMA chose otherwise though, and stuck with a very, very MCF story (albeit more limited to the Celtic legends part), takes guts. What I do wish we’ll get, after the next game, is a story line that’s a GRANDMA original, sort of like Eipex’s the Black Veil, because I think the studio has potential in creating something that’s more them without pulling away too much from MCF. Anyway, that’s the spoiler free review part. Back to my spoiler filled commentary!

Aisling: I know I act suspicious, but I’m just a psychic! MD: I know I’m just a detective, but people keep dying around me, so hey, we’ve got that in common. Aisling: James gave me this cube by the way-- huh? *Emblem of MD appears* ...I’m sorry, that ancient celtic emblem... has a bloody hat. It has a bloody hat. I’m DYING.

Realized I jumped back too far to do this retroactive commentary. Oops.

MD: Okay, well, maybe he isn’t dead yet. We could probably dig him out-- *Nigel turns to bone* MD: ...Never mind. He’s beyond saving. Someone get the coroner!

Six thousand mirrors in the room, and not one shows your face. MD: A technique I have perfected over the two decades of my career. Didn’t save you from getting married to a homicidal madman though. MD: ...I don’t think he picked me because of my looks to begin with.

...Hey MD, I know paper work wasn’t exactly involved and all, but did you actually divorce Charles, or did you just betray him? MD: *DEATH GLARE* You know what, pretend I never asked. MD: You’d better.

MD: Let’s see what skeletons Nigel has in his closet. You know, the last time you found skeletons in a closet, quite literally... MD: Shut up, I was trying not to think about that! (This happened in Key to Ravenhearst. The Skeleton was Charles and Victor.)

Okay, so James was a MCF fanboy, Marge you met on one of your American trips, Nigel was a Fate Carney, John worked on a restored Ravenhearst. I don’t want to say her Majesty might have under exaggerated the number of keywords there were going on here... MD: Oh no, she definitely made it out to be less important than it seemed. She also definitely sent me in because the report she’s going to get out of this is going to be spectacular. The idea that HRM might be the ultimate MCF fan in-universe tickles me with delight. MD: And fills me with utter dread.

Nigel’s shadow puppet theatre: I got fired from the carnival! Boo! MD: Nigel, getting fired from Fate’s Carnival probably saved your ass. Temporarily, until whatever is going on here got you. MD: .................... What? Oh... MD: Yeah. Oh geez I’m looking forward to the case after this now! 8D MD: Why is it that the more I’m tortured, the more gleeful you are?

*Telephone rings* MD: Hello? Marge: HELP ME SOMETHING IS HERE AAAAHHH Well shit. MD: Yeah, she’s done for. Let’s go see the body.

*Gibs collects collectibles before going to body* *I die laughing because that’s my priority too*

MD: Oh no Marge I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you in time... ...Yeah right, says the person who doesn’t want to get their hand on the black stuff. MD: Look, my sorrow doesn’t in anyway override my desire for hygiene, okay? Reminds me of that one time I called some detectives from the last century dandies for refusing to stick their hand into a barrel of rainwater...

MD can I point out how you’re making detailed sketches of MARGE’S BODY in your journal? MD: Look it’s this or pyromania, okay? Don’t judge me. Also, I’m starting to think people that meet you on your cases shouldn’t bother locking their diaries. You always manage to crack them open.

Marge: Oh James is such a darling, I should get him to marry my daughter, then I’ll be such a happy mother-in-law. .............................. MD: ...................... Well, um, I guess Marge was a cougar on the inside, maybe? MD: Yeah, let’s phrase it like that (Restrain desire to make crude NSFW jokes...)

Marge: DAMN THAT GIRL FOR STEALING MY BOY. Marge, seriously, there’s officer Davis. I’m sure he’s just as nice! MD: And not on anyone’s death list. For now. MD: Don’t say that...

Davis: Well, I guess that’s one more evidence against Aisling. HOLD IT! MD: This note here shows clearly that Marge intended to frame Aisling for an attack on her! And the diary entries clearly document how much she hates the suspect. Therefore, the evidence shouldn’t be permissible-- Davis: Yeah, but Marge is dead, and there really isn’t anyone else in town left. *Record scratch* MD: ....It could be... you? Davis: Harhar, look here’s the evidence, go talk to Aisling. MD: Urgh, fine. It’s okay, MD, I was rooting for you there at least!

Aisling: Death, death is all around us! *Flees* MD: Okay, Aisling, that’s really not helping and only making you more suspicious! But since you’re away, I’m going to rifle through your trailer. Um, now who’s suspicious???

Hm, you know, this place would have been great for a holiday spot. MD: I don’t know, given my records with holidays... ...True, you’ll probably end up doing exactly what you are doing now. MD: That said, I think I’ll take a slice of apple pie since no one’s looking. Does the agency pay for your food on your cases? MD: They’d better because I’m giving the recipes to Her Majesty if they don’t...

Aisling: I came here to save John but he’s locked upstairs, please help! MD: Um, if you had let me come with you... maybe some time could have been saved? Aisling: But what if I get killed first then? MD:........ She’s got a point. MD: Dammit, fine...

Hm, so John’s ancestor worked on the original Ravenhearst... We’ll probably need to open up the original game to see if that was the guy that fell from the construction site. (My guess is it’s not, because that carpenter was originally meant to be Rose Summerset’s husband, so it should have been Summerset. Plus Rose’s kids were the twins and Victor.)

Oh damn, a model of Ravenhearst-- MD: Hm, it’s missing a weather vane. ........... MD: Look, just because I burn the place down several times, doesn’t mean I don’t care what it looks like, okay? Can you point out the window that you escaped out of by any chance? 8D MD: *sighs* This one...

Aisling: John, NOOOOOO. MD: Right, gotta cut him down quick! He might still be alive. *Proceed to spend over minutes solving puzzles* MD: I swear, this happened very fast in actuality... Never as fast as the plot demanded though...

*Puts weather vane on model* *Model turns into a raven* MD: ???????????????? Okay, I need to take points off for THAT ridiculous transformation and animation. XD

Aisling: I can’t take this anymore! MD: I know this is hard, Aisling-- Aisling: Here’s the next slab, btw. ....This mood whiplash... I’m dying.

Um, so apparently the banshee wasn’t trying to destroy the world, but was trying to restore herself, which... you disrupted. MD: Look, Allison and her friends needed rescuing okay? I couldn’t just sit idling by. ...If that was disrupted, then how DID Aisling turn human then??? MD: .....Let’s save that mystery for another time because I feel a headache incoming... (Fix edit: It seems to imply that the ritual was only disrupted, not failed, so Aisling did get her skin back, though now she doesn’t remember being a banshee...)

Aisling: I’m a banshee? That’s... That’s impossible. MD: Well, I’ve been through a lot to say most impossible things are actually probable in reality, though if you somehow don’t remember me shoving you back into the cave, um, then I’m grateful. Once you do, please don’t kill me. BTW, your turn on the cube of mystery!

Aisling: Well, if I’m a banshee, I guess I should go back to Dire Grove. We can catch the next ferry. MD: You know that’s a really long trip right? It might take us the better half of a day-- Or a single puzzle’s worth of time. MD: ...Where was THAT kind of fast travel all these years??? I do like how it’s implied that you guys had a huge detour with picking people up and dropping them off though.

Ais: Okay, we’re here in Dire Grove-- AH! MD: Wow, even nature is saying NO to you. Ooooooor it could be a certain immortal druid-- MD: Please don’t. It’s fine! We have a banshee. MD: All she does is predict death! Oh yeah, forgot about that...

*Aisling gets “kidnapped” by green energy* Gibs: That can’t be healthy. MD: That’s honestly pretty normal at this point for us. At least she didn’t get dropped down a tube.

Um, what’s with the Chinese incense in a Druid’s domain? X’D (I’m going to pretend they traded that...)

(I honestly don’t have a lot of stuff to comment on in the section in Dire Grove, because there isn’t much to snark about. Which, I guess, comes to show that 99% of silliness comes from MD dealing with PEOPLE, alive, dead, revived, or otherwise not really a human.)

*Aisling goes back to banshee form* MD: First, no hard feelings about last time, right? Aisling: *stares* MD: Please, thank you, and I’m sorry??? Aisling: You did help me out, so I guess it’s fine. MD: *sigh of relief* BTW, four people technically did DIE though in the process. Aisling: Um, that wasn’t me, if you recall your lore correctly. MD: True enough, but STILL. Just pointing it out. You want her to scream in your ear? She’s still got time for that.

Aisling: BTW, this energy is still floating about. And I think I know why. Will you accept this energy and use it to save the world? MD: Oh hold ON a minute. You want ME to do WHAT? Aisling: Save the world. You heard what I said. MD: Okay, listen. I started this detective job mostly because I thought it was cool... (MD’s going to be at this for a while. Are you going to listen, Aisling? A: To be honest, I’ll probably stop around the part where MD apologized for shoving me back into the cave... By the way, want to hear my part of the story on how I turned back into a banshee? Sure!) *****************************************************************

HOW AISLING BECAME A BANSHEE, AGAIN. Aisling: To make a long story short, there was a lot of puzzles Puzzles which you had to personally solve, without MD’s help? Aisling: It really makes you appreciate how hard MD has had it for the last 21 years...

Did... did you just KILL four people to restore your spirit? Aisling: I just helped their soul cross over! I swear! Aisling, you’re being really SUS right now and I’ve practice how to spot a liar lately! Aisling: I only predict deaths! And then find the souls and tell them where to go. I swear that’s my task. EVERYONE VOTE AISLING AISLING IS THE IMPOSTER

Is one of your abilities literally “summon joyride”???? Aisling: it’s a carriage A carriage can be an awesome joyride if you use it irresponsibly Aisling: How does MD tolerate you? They don’t, they’ve just had worse company and I’m a lesser evil. 8D

Aisling (actually Gibs): *suffers through the last giant super puzzle* ...Yeah, REALLY makes you appreciate what MD goes through. Aisling: Is it always this bad??? Sometimes. I’ve seen worse.

Gibs: THAT CARRIAGE IS BADASS. See, I told you it was a joyride. Aisling: You know, I think I’ll float back to the MD. No joyrides. Awwwwwwwwwwww... Okay, now let’s rewind back to when MD started their rant. **************************************************

Aisling: BTW, this energy is still floating about. And I think I know why. Will you accept this energy and use it to save the world? MD: Oh hold ON a minute. You want ME to do WHAT? Aisling: Save the world. You heard what I said. MD: Okay, listen. I started this detective job mostly because I thought it was cool, and it was for the first couple of cases where all I had to deal with was bust the criminal organization STAIN and recover the Hope diamond for the Queen. But then that’s where all my trouble started because she sent me to this creepy manor which turned out to be a prison to not one, not two, but FOUR ghosts. What’s even worse is the first time I went, I thought I only had to rescue Emma. I was wrong, and for the longest time, I thought Fate Carnival folks were dying from my mistake. Turns out later it was completely personal. This was everything that happened before I met YOU. (Again, really sorry about kicking you back into the cave and getting you stuck in the situation you were in in the last who knows how many years...) Afterwards, I went to the Louisiana which got me on the bad side of a certain ghost pirate, who turned out to be the grandfather of the guy killing the carney folks from his mother’s side. Which was why he was killing them by the way. She sold him to Fate’s Carnival. Anyway, after figuring out that I’ve dun goofed, I went back to Ravenhearst manor, which turned out there was a WHOLE OTHER SECTION I didn’t discover last time, which was somehow a very personalized and twisted marriage proposal that I didn’t notice until too late. I burned THAT down for good measure before taking a break in some place near a lake. But then that guy’s FATHER took up issue with what I did, which I didn’t even started, to be honest. He tried to kill me for whatever grudge it was that he had. I had to stab his horocrux with my badge to get him to stop that time. But then it turns out that father ALSO has some offspring here in Dire Grove, and I had to come back to prevent THAT from going down in flames as well. Thankfully, I think they remained sane. I can’t say the same for the twins, who turned out to be the evil guy’s kids. They most definitely went insane, and REMADE Ravenhearst, which I had to burn down for THE THIRD TIME. All that plus the jump I took landed me in an asylum, which turned out to be the one where both the evil bald guy and his dad was imprisoned once upon a time. Of course, the guy’s father tried to kill me, AGAIN. Took care of that, and also removed the shard that was driving me bonkers. It only gets worse from here though. I got chased around by an woman with a clock for her heart who I had to defenestrate out a clock tower. She didn’t stab me, but then the guy who probably ENGINEERED MY ENTIRE LIFE did, because apparently he wanted to use my soul’s virtue to anchor death to the mortal world or something. I got an immortality feather out of that, I guess, so it wasn’t too bad, but I basically DIED. And then afterwards there was that undead guy who was really hung up about his biker jacket. Next was the evil guy’s ancient youngest son nearly destroying the world (4th wall break: THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT) trying to revive him which thankfully DIDN’T HAPPEN BECAUSE OH GODS I WOULD HAVE DIED FOR REAL ON THE SPOT IF IT DID, FEATHER OR NOT. Then a creepy woman in a mirror had to be locked back into the mirror dimension. And that’s when my agency had a fucking SECURITY BREACH which turned out to have been in the making for YEARS. And then the pirate guy came back and nearly enslaved me. I had to blow up his ship and exorcise him from this world. And AFTER all of that, I was finally sent to Blackmoor, where I met YOU, and also saw a bunch of people marginally related to me die from a cause we still don’t have any answers for. *DEEP INHALE*

Aisling: Okay, so your point is.... MD: My POINT is.... out of ALL the sane and wholesome people in the world who don’t have ANY BAGGAGE whatsoever, why do I, the Master Detective, have to be the one to save the world here-- Charles: Hello. MD: *SCREEEEEEECH*

CHARLES IT’S BEEN FOREVER-- wait, you’re not here to serve the divorce papers are you? Charles: Of course not. I’m asking MD to come back home with me. MD: WHAT?! Charles: Where else would I welcome you back to? *Evil cackle* ......... 8D8D8D8D8D8D8D8D Aisling: ........... :| :| :| :| :| :| :| :| :| MD: .................D:< D:< D:< D:< D:< D:< D:< MD: Aisling, hand that energy over, I’ve a WORLD TO BURN.

I have to point this out... the last time we saw Charles IN THE FLESH in game, was Escape from Ravenhearst, which was NINE YEARS AGO, likely TEN by the time Crossfade comes out. Happy Tenth Anniversary of your wedding, Master Detective? 8D

MD: AS IF.

[mimiorzea]

2, 7, 14, 21, 23, 24, 35, 40 for goth dragon dad (2/3)

(in reference to [this ask meme]!)

2) Who do they look to for guidance?

when Chiyo was still alive, it was very common for Khaizo to have sort of mental “conversations” with himself on what he thought Tama would do in a given situation. he wanted to maintain a sense of Tama's presence in Chiyo's life, so honoring what he thought Tama would have wanted with her was important to him; he also spent a lot of his time in those years feeling lost, especially in the beginning, so this idea that he might be able to "talk to her" and imagine her guidance on any number of things was something he leaned on a lot.

after Chiyo died, he felt (among countless other things) that he had failed Tama by failing to protect their daughter, which meant that he spent a lot of time instead feeling too ashamed to take comfort in or consult his memory of Tama for guidance the way he used to. thus, in the years since, that memory -- of what she might say, of her voice, etc. -- has slowly eroded and grown more distant.

on a less serious note, he also quite respects Percevains, his much older coworker, and even Walcher, an older local alchemist he knows. although his advancing age and reclusive nature means he interacts with increasingly less of his "elders," he still has a reflexive respect for them, perhaps ingrained by his upbringing. it's questionable whether Khaizo would ever go asking these individuals for life advice, but should they offer it to him, he will often at least seriously consider it out of respect for their greater experience.

(he also, in acknowledging Liloie's close relationship with her own daughter, eventually comes to consult her for guidance on navigating difficult circumstances with Yesugen.)

7) Any family scandals? Does your character know about them?

gosh. the answer here is "yes, probably," but i haven't thought of any specifically.

Khaizo got more exposure to his mother's side of the family, which also had some significant notoriety in his tribe, so any scandals he was aware of probably came from that side. his mother's decision to marry a man from the Ura tribe -- especially one who didn't stand out for his hunting proficiency, one of the Khatayin's most valued standards of excellence -- was shocking and likely talked about as a point of gossip, but wasn't necessarily a scandal. the fact that his uncle eventually took up the bow instead of continuing the family tradition of spear-hunting was a similar level of "scandal" in that it was also likely gossiped about but ultimately wasn't that big of a deal.

both of Khaizo’s male cousins were troublesome in one way or another. Munokhoi was something of a perpetual slacker in a family of intensely competitive hunters, and i can see him having gotten entangled in something silly, like somehow romancing the tribe khagan's daughter despite being very unlike their traditional idea of a model young man. Ganzorig was the opposite; hypercompetitive and always looking to prove himself by any means possible, he frequently accrued injuries or got on his tribemates' nerves by butting heads with them over just about everything, and when Khaizo was young he sometimes let himself get goaded into participating. for the most part Khaizo was well-behaved, so if he got in some sort of trouble, it was usually by association with one of these two.

the last thing i'll mention is that Khaizo's mother was initially quite unhappy about his choice of wife, thinking him uncharacteristically rash and short-sighted and childish for even considering leaving his home and family for a woman he "couldn't have known as well as he did half of his own tribemates" -- and a woman who Khasar was convinced could not be much more than a pretty thing to look at, at that. Khaizo, who otherwise deeply respected his mother, fought bitterly with her on this front; not from a place of disrespect, but a place of hurt, as he took her assumption that he would make such a decision so flippantly to be an attack on his own character, to say little of his very Measured and Seriously-Considered decision at the wizened age of 17.

up until the point he actually left the tribe, Khaizo threw himself whole-heartedly into garnering his mother's blessing. (it helped that Khasar herself chose to marry someone more unconventional outside of the tribe, who then left his own family to be with her; Chuluun, who was more sympathetic and swayed by the sincerity of Khaizo's devotion to the woman he wished to be with, had many private conversations with Khasar in which he helped to whittle her down by reminding her of this.) caught in the midst of entreaties by both her husband and her son, it still wasn't until Tama herself came to the Khatayin encampment and threw herself at Khasar's feet (to Khaizo's own appalled surprise), promising to do whatever it took to win her approval, that Khasar finally softened.

that was probably the biggest "scandal" applicable to Khaizo's family -- Khasar's only son deciding to leave the tribe to be with an ex-Doman Raen woman was a story to be told -- but it certainly wasn't spoken again after news came by the Khatayin that Khaizo was seized from the Malaguld for conscription, only for his wife and child both to vanish from the tribe shortly thereafter. Khasar never did look at her tribemates' children the same after that, becoming bitter and unapproachable on the subject in her hurt.

that ended up way longer than i meant for it to be. whoops.

14) What is something that never fails to make them excited?

boy i sure would like to know

probably younger kids, though he would be hard-pressed to admit it (and he makes an effort to hide it). he feels very strongly for them, intense "i want to protect it and see it grow up happy and healthy" vibes. this applies to young animals, too, most of the time, and sometimes even more grown ones. if they interact with him positively at all, it really melts his heart, and if you know what to look for you can tell (expression softening, crinkling in the corners of his eyes). he can be surprisingly energetic with them.

21) Do they prefer giving or receiving gifts?

giving. giving his loved ones things that they cherish or make them light up is rewarding to him, and one of the reasons he feels so fulfilled by having learned how to make things with his hands. providing practical gifts (a nice set of boots for keeping warm, a weapon for hunting food, etc.) is a way to make him feel as though his loved ones are safe and cared for, which is the ultimate reward, tbh. 

receiving things is nice, too, although part of Khaizo starts to feel uncomfortable any time he accrues too many things that could be seen as "memorabilia" of a person. he's seen several people that he dearly loves rendered into a token or two (or in Chiyo's case, a whole childhood of bits and bobbles that make up all he has left of her) of remembrance, and the thought of one day having to look at those gifts he received from someone and hurt over their loss in a similar way detracts from the moment sometimes.

23) What do they want most in life?

in truth, he just wants to live a fairly content, peaceful life surrounded by family that he helps protect and provide for -- he's very traditionally minded in that regard. he 100% would have lived a pretty standard and unremarkable life out in his tribe in Othard if he hadn't been picked up and forcibly conscripted into the Garlean Empire to fight in a war halfway across the world. like really, his entire life has just been him trying his Absolute Hardest to live a normal goddang life meanwhile the universe drags him off into some conflict or another; the only exception being that half a decade where he was so pissed that it (and particularly the Ishgardians) wouldn't stop ruining his life that he, like, murdered some people over it.

24) What do they think they’re good at, but aren’t?

being stoic and unattached and making completely objective / logical decisions not at all informed by a crippling fear of loss and failure.

don't tell him that, though.

(he’s actually always been kinda bad about this, as evidenced by his decision to leave his tribe to be with Tama. he tried to be reasonable and logical about it, as much as a love-struck 17 year old can be, but most anyone else could see that emotion played no small part. all of which is to say, he’s often very blind to how strongly his emotions influence his logic -- sometimes even, in the most egregious cases, as someone is actively rubbing his nose in it.)

35) What color would they paint their nails?

if you wouldn't paint your nails black are you even goth

also, it was brought up that he would let any little kids who wanted to paint his nails paint them whatever color they liked, which is completely true and valid.

40) Blanket fort or tree house?

tree house. those trees in the Dravanian Forelands look like they could make some pretty sick tree houses. great, now i want that to be a thing. (can that be a thing?)

[atopearth]

Shall we Date? Wizardess Heart Part 29 - Nox Noir Route

So, Nox is a phantom thief that steals magical tools? Sounds like it might be fun~ Gotta love how traumatised Rex seems to be of Zeus (since he used to be a Night Class Prefect) that he wouldn’t have come for the mission at the academy if he knew Zeus was joining in lol. Ooh Nox was a Night Class Prefect too~ I love how Zeus doesn’t like Nox because he used to scold him all the time hahaha. Well, Nox seems like an assertive flirt lol! Chocolate cake is such a long name for Nox’s familiar lmao, call him chocolate or cake instead lolll. Well, the cat disapproved but it’s good that the heroine shortened the name to Coco lolll.

On the other hand, I dig Rex with the heroine more right now, his smile and laugh just seemed so sincere when she said she thought he was a cold person when he actually wasn’t lol. He even pat her head! Nox better up his game lol. I like the mystery version of the board game they play! It was really fun to see how both Rex and Nox were so good at deducing who the culprit was and how it happened etc, too bad for Rex that his partner is Zeus who likes to blab and say whatever comes to his mind so he totally lost because of that hahaha. Lmao, can’t believe they played the game all night and got yelled at by Klaus for not going back to sleep at their dorms lol! Omgggg, they can’t do something like a love triangle, I can’t pick!! It was so adorable when both Rex and Nox got so sleepy and fell asleep on the heroine’s shoulders. They’re so cute lol. It was so cute when they went around the academy trying to solve the riddle, and one part told them to talk to a mirror, and the heroine sees it in the painting so she literally talks to it to see if it works hahahaha. I honestly forgot about the Phantom thief thing hahahah. Anyway, I’m glad to see that Willem is really enjoying his new life in the heroine’s village, and I love how he’s just accustoming himself to normal everyday human life and is enjoying stuff like making his own tea! It just feels so cute haha.

It’s actually kinda cute how the heroine started laughing at Nox when he nonchalantly ate a super spicy fire pie lol. I think it’s one of the few times, if not the only time that just as the guy is entertained by how “unique” the heroine is, the heroine actually feels the same about the guy and is amused by him. It’s kinda refreshing to see that lol. Anyway, considering how when they were at the Tower of Memories, the guardian didn’t attack the heroine and Nox/Nightmare took her away so she wouldn’t get injured, it was obvious that he likes her, but I didn’t expect a confession that fast tbh lol. Ooh okay, he’s confessing but he just wants her to think about it for now since he doesn’t want to really go out with her until he’s “done with something”. Lmao at Rex and Nox being silly and arguing about whether the heroine looks better with her hair up or down loll. Honestly though, when Rex confessed to the heroine, I was annoyed, not because of Rex, but because of how the route is being handled. I hate the love triangle situation in the story because this is supposed to be Nox’s route, I want to see it about Nox and the heroine, not a love triangle with another guy. I know they want to present how much of a rivalry the two have and yet how similar they both are, but instead of showing how they’re like two sides of a coin or something, all I’m presented with is practically like a shared or split route with Nox and Rex but it’s not like I can really choose Rex even if I wanted to, because why would I?! He has his own route! Sigh. It just really detracts from the romance because they could have spent that time that they focused on Rex falling for her to add more time for Nox and the heroine to bond instead zz. I prefer it to be focused on one guy and the rest like the heroine as friends, just like the other routes, sigh.

Anyway, lmao when Nightmare sent a calling card saying he would steal the heroine and all the guys (except Nox and Rex) thought it was impossible that Nightmare would want to steal the heroine, and that he must be coming to steal something she possesses instead🤣 Ooh, so Roger Nigel (the guy who competed with Walter Goldstein in creating magical tools) is actually Nox’s father! So I guess he’s stealing back all his father’s creations? Mmm, the magical tools sunk along with the ship his father was on and was then later pilfered by pirates to be sold around the world. Although I’m surprised that his father actually made a compact magic core used in his tools way before the Goldsteins, it is understandable for Nox to want to collect them all and destroy them since apparently his father chose to sacrifice his life to destroy all the cores with his ship in order to prevent power greedy kings etc from forcing him to hand them over and abuse their use. And the memory vial he needs to steal contains memories of the blueprint of the magic core so yeah, that’s definitely high on the list of what he needs to steal lol. You know, even though Nox has his reasons to be a thief, I don’t see why he needed to be like a phantom thief and throw calling cards or be so audacious and kidnap the heroine to tell her the truth. Like, uh, can’t you do it normally without causing so much trouble? I feel like he just wanted to spite Rex by stealing the heroine away when he was the bodyguard. On another note, I’m so annoyed that at this point of the story (near the end), the game is still going on about the stupid love triangle. IT’S SO FRUSTRATING. Like, now I know I like Rex much more, but I could and would have liked to discover that in his own route instead, like seriously, was Nox that boring of a character that they couldn’t be bothered spending more time developing him and his relationship with the heroine that they had to instead deal with this cheap love triangle all the time where they literally both just try to pull the heroine to them or whatever until whoever yields? It’s like, if you’re going to do a love triangle, at least do it in a way that enhances their personalities more or better because honestly, literally nothing has changed since the beginning. They’re like kids fighting over their favourite toy and I’m losing my patience over this.

I knew Rex realised that Nox was Nightmare and swapped the memory vial, but it was nice to see Nox’s reaction. He totally deserved it for underestimating Rex, but it was nice to see that he was happy to go against Rex another time to try and get the real vial back. Overall, although I quite liked Nox in the beginning, a lot of his personality and everything is established in the beginning and doesn’t really “grow” or feel any different afterwards. His love for the heroine is pretty much the same and he teases her etc but his character never becomes any more than that, which is rather disappointing. I’d say the main problem with this route though is that they focused more than half of the route establishing both Nox and Rex as love interests and honestly, it was pretty distracting and annoying because I totally favoured Rex, which felt really unfair to Nox but I couldn’t help it. Which is why I quite disliked this route even though I didn’t mind Nox. I really wanted it to only focus on romance with the guy that’s “chosen” and not any other guy, so yeah it was annoyingly sad and unfair to Nox, sigh. I felt like they could have totally put more emotion in the Phantom thief reveal etc if they didn’t waste so much time on their rivalry that was already established from the get go. Oh well..he was still a nice guy, but it’s so unfair to Nox lol.

[trpg-dingusmaster]

+ 2 new DMs

The .... 13yo? Kid in the group wanted to try being dm. This is the second time.

The actual first time I’ve only heard about, but I guess it was very bad and honestly I’m not surprised because he was taking bad contradictory advice from the worst sources. Some of the advice was like... not even at all anything those guys even do? Like. “I give my players absolute freedom! I plan nothing!” Honey.... honey no you don’t. You plenty often rewrite every persons character backstory and then railroad us for 3 1/2 hours to accomplish what could have just been a 5 minute explanation.

Stuff like that.

So, you know. He followed this shit advice and the shit advice of overly complicated home brew mechanics and rules and nonsense and world building even though the game already has rules that mostly work. They were tested at least by people and not just a few dice roll generators.

He made up a complicated world and weird rules but didn’t plan anything and was shocked and frustrated when the players did what players do without direction (hell even if they do have direction??? Honestly???) and nobody ended up having any fun. Everyone was confused and annoyed and obviously it was a bad time.

He was actually banned from dming again until he had a solid plan of action and accepted that players will always make a mess SOMEHOW. Which is weird to me because that doesn’t sound anything different than some of the other games that have gone on and nobody stopped those guys from running games without planning or practice communicating. But whatever I guess.

For a couple weeks this kid was made fun of and bothered about this fiasco which.... I mean was only partially his fault. Like. He did exactly what he was told and surprise surprise it didn’t work out just like it doesn’t work for the guys who told him that shit but they do it anyway.

Then he comes in last week and says: I have a plan. I want to run this pregenerated adventure but you can make your own characters but only use stuff from the core 3 books for now. It’s an official wotc adventure made for learning how to play and I think it’ll be a good way for me to learn how these things work.

The response?

Largely negative. Though the one who initiated the ban of course allowed the game to happen and supported it. The guys who gave him the shitty advice though? Kept giving him shitty advice and were not understanding that: wotc content does not equal AL play. Like. They couldn’t grasp this at all for a weirdly long time.

While they puzzled this I pulled the kid aside and tried to assure him he was making a good choice with the premade content and to not listen to those idiots because what works (or “works”) for them isn’t going to work for everyone and sometimes different people just enjoy things differently and it doesn’t match up nice all the time “just take your time and try your best, figure out what works for you and whats important for building your style”

I think he appreciated it? I guess? I dunno. I really just wanted him to know that like, I was ready to support his creative growth. I think that’s important.

Eventually we get started and I have who is probably my most favorite character I’ve had, though I might scale back his stats because the stat rolling system he picked was very generous and I rolled very well on top of that. But I think some lower stats would be more fun to role play and more interesting to roll play instead of the almost obnoxiously high stats my sweet boy has. Almost obnoxiously high because that honor goes to the guy who usually has suspiciously high stats all the time. Oh?? You have a 19 str in this character too? For the 8th character in a row that that hasn’t been forced to use the standard array? .... interesting..... but it’s fine, it makes him happy I guess and it doesn’t really take away fun from other people so whatever.

And I know how this adventure is supposed to go, I think a few people at the table have at least skimmed through it- the lost mine of Phandelver. He’s played it pretty straight, though it was weird a bit because I was playing an aarakocra and really playing up the bird business. though of course I did my best to try and make sure things moved along but it wasn’t really needed because with clear directions and objectives like? Things just? moved along? On their own? It felt like that anyway to me. Which was a great change of pace. I don’t mind being left to my own devices of course but some kinda direction is be nice now and then. Often the games I get involved in feel like: sit here for 3 hours while I tell you a story and pretend you’re playing a game with me or sit here for three hours and find out something to do on your own I’m not giving you shit to play off of. Or there is shit to play off of but the group actively ignores it or the dm put it there but.... doesn’t want us to play with it? It’s just a one time talking point we are Supposed to then forget about?

Over all, I think he did a good job. He did get frustrated and a little overwhelmed in a few instances but in similar situations I have ALSO been overwhelmed and I wasn’t even the dm at those times. I think his biggest issue is he, being the 13 yo he is, has a curfew more strict than the other teens so he gets very annoyed when side conversation and silliness take time away from play, but rather than say: I have a time limit please pay more attention. He just gets angry. Apparently he did a lot of yelling the first time but has since figured out some restraint from then. Also doesn’t ever throw things or hit people like some of the other teen DMs have done.

He does have some things that need work of course but it’s hard to know what’s a technical issue with using a pdf on a phone instead of a book and what’s he just needs practice but I’m sure he has some ideas on this and I think werewolf dm surely would have given him her thoughts on the subject.

There’s another chick, she wants to try dming and she told me a bit about her ideas, she explained they were still kinda rough but she had a clear goal in mind of what the end results would be. They seem pretty straightforward, clear objectives but a bit of room to roam around in between, which is a great way to start. I told her I thought it would be great and she should absolutely give it a try when she’s ready. I also gave her the same caution I’d give anyone who wants to gm for this group, and some examples of weird shit my other groups have done (investigation of street lights for a weirdly long time even though they were literally just street lights). I’d hate for her first try to go super bad like the 13yos did because she thought the group would play differently than they usually do or because of bad advice that some of the guys like to give that they may or may not know is bad advice.

She told another person in the group about her ideas. It didn’t go so well. He gave her lots of bad advice and would not listen to what she was saying. “These things you are telling me are not helpful and detract from the core of the adventure.” ; “You don’t know that! I’m being very helpful and smart!” ; “I do know that because I’m writing it??? No you aren’t?”

[themjinterviews-blog]

22. Bitches, I like 'em brainless...guns, I like 'em stainless.

Are you better at telling stories or writing them? Writing them. I actually would venture to say I dislike verbally telling stories…too many variables outside my control…I could be interrupted, fumble over words, accidentally leave a part out, miss an opportunity to include a witty remark.

Name a band that you can’t decide whether you like them or not. Post Malone…sometimes I think I like him but he’s such an odd looking fellow I have a hard time pinning his face to his voice.

What’s one song you hate, but know every word to? The Daisy sour cream commercial.

Can you clap on beat and sing at the same time? Not for an extended period of time. I lose it.

Are you going to be or do you want to be a big star someday? Definitely not. I want to live a relatively quiet existence without being crippled by materialistic impulses or bombarded by fame.

Have you ever heard of the band Pax Romana? I have not.

Do you know the difference between an addiction and an obsession? I mean, they’re both mental fixations in a way but they’re not totally synonymous.

What one place do you absolutely have to go to/visit this summer? The NY Reconnaissance Faire. My sister and I always go every summer.

Are you already going to that place or still need to work out the details? …we ALWAYS go. Just have to wait and see what weekend.

What would be a clever name for a pet porcupine? Quillzilla?

Would you ever even consider keeping a porcupine as a pet? Nooo. I don’t want to get quill’d like Chance from Homeward Bound!

What’s one word that annoys you when people use it out of context? None spring to mind.

What fast food restaurant(s) can you absolutely not stand? They’re all about the same. I like most food.

Have you created any surveys that have been taken more than 1000 times? I highly doubt it. I don’t have a very large following/internet presence.

What’s your favorite magazine? I don’t read any because it’s 2019 and that’s what people’s stupid Facebook feeds are for.

Are there any holidays you feel are pointless, and if so which one(s)? Technically, all of them? But they’re opportunities to gather with friends and family to celebrate some common theme and I think society needs that shit to function.

If you could be an animal for one day, which animal would you choose? Squirrel. I have a well-documented fondness for squirrels…I even follow Squirrel Instagrams.

What band, musical artist, or song do you feel you’ll never get sick of? More than I can count… Muse, Volbeat, Chevelle, Marshmello, Chainsmokers, Eminem, Dashboard Confessional, Lindsey Stirling…

Have you ever wanted to be in the circus? No. I’d rather not be raped by the Tilt-a-Whirl operator, thanks.

Is it cool or annoying when someone blends two languages (I.e. spanglish)? No, be my guest. Speak Parseltounge for all I care.

Do people care as much about celebrity couples a the media thinks they do? I’m sure, for whatever reason, that some people seriously do. I don’t get it, but who am I to judge? I sit around on Adderall and answer surveys about myself.

Is it annoying when people use cliches when talking to or giving you advice? Ehhhh, it’s not they’re fault they’re basic.

What tv show(s) do you miss watching as a little kid? Lots. Of course, old school Nickelodeon, Gilmore Girls, Whose Line Is It Anyway?, Cheers, The Croc Hunter.

If you could visit any other planet, what would be your first choice? If outer space happened to be exactly like how it’s portrayed in The Orville, I'd go. Pretty sure it’s not, though.

Does it annoy you when people say, write, or type “dat” instead of “that”? It’s of no concern to me if other people defy the laws of proper english. I use it sometimes in sarcastic contexts.

Type some of the lyrics to the song currently stuck in your head. Nothing is stuck in my head.

Do you think college parties are overrated? As a 30 year old, yeah, totally overrated in retrospect. In my college days, they were usually okay or entertaining on some level. & If I got invited to one right this second, for whatever reason, I would still probably stop by for a warm keg beer.

Does it annoy you when people say “omg” or “idk” in a normal conversation? No. It amuses me.

Are you the type of person who’s always asking questions or answering them? In real life or surveys? I guess about 50/50?

Are you good with analogies? *toot toot* That was me, tooting my own horn, analogies are my jam. I essentially communicate almost entirely in analogies. Helps tie thoughts and concepts together.

Do you think Twitter is getting too much hype or does it live up to it? I don’t have Twitter, never got into the concept.

In your opinion, what’s the most boring job or position a person can hold? Subjectively, anything that involves math or being cooped up in an office doing math. I’d imagine being a Walmart greeter is also pretty boring.

Do you prefer outdoor or indoor concerts/events? I like the whole outdoor all-day summer festival ones.

Which fast food/sit down restaurant to you live closest to? None and all of them simultaneously. I live on the road in a semi-truck..

Do you think athletes and actors get paid too much money? Probably. While yes, I think it’s absurdly excessive I also think it’d somehow detract from the elite-ness of the profession if they made $12.50 + 1 week paid vacation and company health coverage. They would seem just like us, negating their appeal, because we use celebrity lives to escape our own. This is definitely society’s fault.

Do you know anybody who doesn’t like chicken? Vegans/vegetarians?

Who’s one person that can always make you happy without even trying? Depends.

What was the last thing you got out of the fridge? Krispy Kreme donuts.

Have you ever heard a song parody that was better than the original? Probably. I love parodies.

Would you rather hear a lie to make you happy or the truth that hurts? Literally doesn’t matter. There’s no definitive way to know how true anything ever is. As humans, our narratives and perceptions are so prone to logically fallacies and undetectable biases that it'd be silly to assume certainty.

What is your least favorite color? I'm incapable of disliking a color. I doodle all the time and there honestly isn’t a color I’m just like “ewww” about.

Is it really possible for one girl or guy to “make your dreams come true”? I’d hope not. When I actually *do* dream at night, they’re always bizarre, scattered sagas of pure randomness. Better off staying dreams, I think.

What did you honestly think of this survey? A little too much garlic salt but it'd pair great with a robust pinot noir!

[fume-knight-of-shovelry]

Artistic Licenses

A sequel to Inaccuracies and Lights, taking place after both of those stories. You can also find them and my Gency week prompts, as well as any other stories I write, on my Archive page.

-------------

“Angela, have you taken a look at this?” Genji entered Angela’s office without knocking, hands enclosed around thin sheet of paper. He’d elected to keep his mask off for today’s visit. Sighing, she looked up from her work and rested her head in her hands.

“Genji, I appreciate you seeing me so frequently on my off-hours. But would you please knock? One of these days, you’re going to catch me at a bad time.”

“Whatever do you mean, Angela?” Genji grinned. “I imagine that you’d be more concerned that someone might walk in on us.”

“Very funny, Genji.” She rolled her eyes and drummed the corner of her pen on the edge of her desk, raising a questioning eyebrow. “Well, what did you want to show me?”

“I apologize, Angela. I’ll be more mindful in the future. But here, take a look at this.” He shuffled the stack of paper in his hand across the surface of her work table towards her. “Something of Brigitte’s. I think she got it from Reinhardt when she was much younger, and she gave it to me after our last trip to Sweden, and I thought you’d enjoy it.”

 His girlfriend looked the book over, flipping from page to page, chewing on the tip of her pen. “Die Walküre? This is...very old. In fact, I believe that the inaugural performance of this was over two hundred years ago!” She looked back up at her boyfriend, beaming with gratitude. “Thank you, Genji! This is a recent script reproduction, but it is still a wonderful gift. What about it made you think of me?”

 Genji reached out a finger and flipped back to the cover, pointing to the title. “Walküre. German for ‘valkyrie’. I thought you’d find it fitting, given, well, you know.” He began to circle around to the back of the desk, resting a hand on her shoulder. “Is something wrong, Angela?”

 She shook her head and turned to let him plant a quick kiss on her lips, tilting her chin upward to better face him. “Nothing at all, Genji. I merely find the idea that these valkyries have any similarity to me a little...silly. Do not get me wrong, this is a fantastic opera, and my quibble is not meant to detract from the value of your gift.”

Now it was Genji’s turn to raise an eyebrow quizzically. “What do you mean, ‘these valkyries are not similar’? Can you be more specific, Angela?”

“I mean, Richard Wagner was a theatrical and musical genius, I’m not disputing that. That his plays have stayed relevant for so long is remarkable.”

“Angela. The valkyries?”

“Right, sorry. He was good, but he took some significant liberties from his source material. Torbjörn would be able to tell you more, or Brigitte.”

“I’m not asking them, I’m asking you  .”

“Genji, I need to get back to work.” Angela made a shooing motion with her right hand, brushing against Genji’s forearm. “Later, I promise. Okay?”

Genji sighed, but he couldn’t argue with that. “All right, Angela. One more, for the road?” He leaned down and puckered his lips, and felt her return the gesture. With a light smacking sound, they parted, and Genji left her to her work. He had enough to do between now and the end of Angela’s workday.

“So, you were going to elaborate on your point earlier.” Genji prodded. Rather literally: as Angela stood in their kitchen in the sink, he poked the back of her shoulder.

“Oh, right. My apologies.” Angela shook her hands dry from the dishes she’d be doing and turned, leaning against the edge of the countertop. “I was talking about valkyries, correct? Well, as far as I know, the original mythical valkyries were servants of Odin.”

“Who?”

“Ah, right, you wouldn’t be familiar with that.” Angela tilted her head towards the book Genji had brought her, now resting on their table. “He was a Scandinavian god of poetry, wisdom, war, kings, and hanging, among others. Not a nice god, from what we know, even if he ultimately tried to act in the world’s best interests.”

“How do you know so much about old belief systems?” Genji crossed his arms over his chest, the gesture coming across less as “frustrated” and more as “self-conscious”. “You’re making me self-conscious about what I don’t know.”

“Please, Genji, that was not my intention.” Angela reached out to run her fingers over her boyfriend’s forearm, smiling calmly. “And if it makes you feel better, I really don’t know that much. Just the bits that stick out to me as the most interesting.”

Genji winced. He hadn’t meant to whine, but clearly he’d sounded aggravated enough to merit comfort. “Apologies, Angela. What else did you have to share?”

“Well, valkyrie literally means ‘chooser of the slain’.” Angela hadn’t acknowledged his apology verbally, instead communicating her understanding with a light squeeze on his arm. He knew what she meant. “And rather than being the angel-like figures that they’re often depicted as, they could be...somewhat sinister.”

“How?”

“Well, their name isn’t a euphemism. They were literally choosing the slain: who lived, who died, who told their story. They could heal and act to save humans, but more often they might actually engineer the death of a particularly powerful combatant. The belief was that this was so that the bravest, strongest, most stalwart warriors would go to Valhalla to be at Odin’s disposal come Ragnarök, ‘the doom of the gods.’” Angela sighed and leaned into Genji, resting her chest against his shoulder. “In practice, though...not to be dismissive, but in reality this was probably an explanation for why many of the most valiant fighters died young, in their prime.”

Genji slipped one of his hands out from the fold in front of his chest and stroked the back of Angela’s neck, murmuring softly. “I suppose it’s easier to believe that everyone who perishes in battle does so at the will of a league of superwomen for some greater purpose , rather than due to chance or an uncaring world. If you find the appellation ‘valkyrie’ inaccurate, why not choose another?”

Angela leaned back, from Genji, resting one hand on his shoulder and the other on his arm. “Because our cultural consciousness has cemented valkyries as angelic figures. I’ve no illusions about the role the eventual Christianization of Scandinavia played in that a millenia ago.” Angela rolled her eyes, blowing a strand of hair out from her face. “Now, though, it’s another good way to market my technology, as cynical as that may sound. And it is not wholly inaccurate: the valkyries did supposedly have benevolent tendencies and healing powers, even if their primary function was to create and collect dead soldiers. Having an angelic-themed suit and naming it ‘valkyrie’ was too good to pass up.”

“Why not rebrand it as an ‘angelic’ suit, then? I know little of angels, but I’m sure you could find some way to incorporate their names into your suit’s name or branding.”

“Because, mein lieber, angels are even worse in that regard. At least the valkyries look like beautiful women. Angels in the Torah an be...very distressing in appearance.” Angela shuddered. “The hayyoth are essentially wheels with wings and eyes all over them, as are the ophanim. We hold the seraph to be winged snakes with human characteristics, although some view them as having human heads and six pairs of wings…”

“Enough!” Genji held Angela close, pressing his lips against the side of her throat. “You’re making them sound worse than some of the      yōkai     I’m familiar with, and given how bizarre      those    can get, that is quite an achievement.”

Angela patted the back of Genji’s shoulder, letting him lean into her. “Is my big, strong boyfriend scared of Jewish angels? Don’t worry, liebling. I’ll protect you.”

“Save me, Angela! You’re painting a vivid picture of angelic terror!” Genji cuddled his chin between her jaw and clavicle side of her jaw, then broke out into giggles, burying his face in her hair. “Sorry. I couldn’t keep a straight face. But yes, I understand. You’re willing to sacrifice a bit of accuracy for the sake of not driving your patients away in terror.”

“Very true, Genji. Although I won’t pretend it doesn’t bother me. And the caduceus staff and suit spinal design…” She scoffed. “Well, let’s just say that I felt rather silly when I remembered that the healing is represented by the Rod of Asclepius, not Hermes. Blame that on the United States and overworking myself as I was applying for the patent.” She grit her teeth audibly in frustration.

Hearing her aggravation, Genji couldn’t stop himself from bursting out into further laughter. Bracing a hand against the small of her back, the other on her shoulders, Genji lifted up and spun Angela in a poor imitation of a ballroom twirl, leaving him leaning against the kitchen counter with Angela on her tiptoes, resting against his chest. She whooped in surprise, hair mussed from the speed and slightly dizzy from Genji spinning her.

“What’s gotten into you, Genji?” Angela queried, blinking to stop the world around her from tilting. He’d flipped her with a bit more force than he’d probably intended, and now she was trying to keep her balance by resting on Genji’s body.

“Angela, I continue to be frustrated by how most ninja are portrayed. You have expressed displeasure with the inaccuracies your technology’s name and design has with respect to valkyries, angels, and healing symbols. Perhaps we are even more alike than we thought.”

“Are you suggesting that we bond over mutual irritation with inaccuracies?” Angela quirked an eyebrow, the world finally coming to a rest around her.

“No, I’m saying that we already are. There’s a key difference, Angela.” Genji didn’t give her a chance to respond, pulling her forward into another kiss, cradling her body against his. Angela started to speak around his lips, but thought better of it and sank into his embrace, wrapping her arms around his waist and neck.

Their relationship was healthy enough that they didn’t sustain it on petty spite. But it was a lot of fun to air their grievances together, however minor they might be.

[krokodile]

movies watched in 2018

santoalla - this really suffered from poor sound recording/editing and lack of subtitles.  i feel like i missed a lot of details.  it’s an interesting story, but the film itself wasn’t terribly engaging.

my friend dahmer - a little disappointed in this one.  i feel like they changed a bit too much from the graphic novel to make us feel sympathy for him.  i’m not opposed to the film trying to remind us that jeff dahmer was once a person with potential to be good, and my issue isn’t so much with whether or not this “humanizes” him; it’s more that the book was from the POV of the best friend and a lot of this stuff didn’t really fit that narrative, so they kind of switched to...is there a visual third person omniscient equivalent? when necessary, and it made the film feel choppy to me.  the book is amazing and everyone should read it.  it’s not about making you feel sorry for the guy; it simply tells the story from the POV of a friend who knew something wasn’t right but had no way of knowing who this guy really was or would become.  the movie seemed more interested in just telling the early jeffrey dahmer story, which honestly i found a lot less compelling.  the kid playing dahmer was great, though.

insidious...4?  whatever the fuck number this is -  i feel like this was a cast of perfectly good actors who were constantly told “make it bigger!” by the director.  that’s the only way these performances make sense to me.  and the story was pretty stupid, but, i mean...it’s the insidious franchise; that was a given.

mom and dad - i wanted to like this more than i did, but i still enjoyed it.  horror comedy that had a little trouble balancing the horror and humor, but it features nicolas cage at his most nicolas cage, so for that alone, give it a shot.

father figures - why the fuck did jk simmons agree to do this???  it actually wasn’t as horrible as it could have been; just garden variety bad, unfunny comedy.

saturday church - really gorgeous, well-acted (and sung!) and creative.  the screenplay maybe could’ve used a little tightening in some spots and additions in others in my opinion, but really i have no complaints; it’s excellent.

ex machina - i’m not super into science fiction, but given the sheer number of people saying this movie needs to be seen, i figured, why the hell not.  and i really enjoyed it.  the existential crises it triggered aside.  it’s thoughtful, imaginative and looks incredible.

a quiet place - i managed to not pee myself once, so i’d consider it a success.  of course i did spill sprite in my lap so everyone thought i did anyway.  really, as much as my irrational loathing of john krasinski makes me want to deny it...it’s really good.  about as good as i’ve seen pg-13 horror get.  it’s got so many clever blink and you’ll miss it moments that show how much attention was paid to world-building, and there’s some faith in the audience to catch on to things themselves without needing a narrator explaining it all.  the only thing i didn’t like?  the music.  the fact that it HAD music.  the sound editing with the natural sounds was stellar, the way everything was amplified.  but the loud music there just for the sake of accentuating scares detracted from the movie for me.  a big part of what makes this movie works is that it feels pretty goddamn real.  the music takes away from that.  

besides being scary, it works as a post-apocalyptic family drama.  and again, it’s really fucking good.  there’s a scene where john krasinski is telling his son he needs to go off and do something alone to save a family member.  the kid is absolutely frantic and you can see him straining not to speak as he “yells” that he can’t do it, his gestures getting bigger and “louder” as the conversation wears on.  i was in tears during that scene.  not because i felt sorry for the kid, but because i was feeling his terror as if it were my own.  i felt like i was in that fucking field with a paul bunyan-looking john krasinski being told “go run headlong into a nest of deadly ear monsters.”  i wasn’t scared because of the images onscreen or waiting for the next attack; i genuinely felt like i was in the moment with them.  

that...is incredibly rare for me with film.  i fucking hate that fucking jim halpert made me feel that, but i can’t pretend it didn’t happen.  and this wasn’t the only time i felt that way, just the most dramatic.  i felt reagan’s i-will-fucking-punch-your-stupid-face frustration during the hearing aid scene to the point where i was fuming in my seat.  (i mean john krasinski often makes me feel that way, but still.)  i knew emily blunt was in labor, but my heart absolutely pooped its pants when i saw that field light up red; I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING ON and i still reacted like i was there with them.  god help me, i felt the overwhelming love in the slow dance shot.  and that intro, holy fuck.  besides immediately feeling emily blunt’s exhaustion and the kids’ restlessness and generally shitty-feeling-ness in those first shots, i was 100% not expecting shit to get as real as it did so fast (even though part of it was used in the trailer).  

i hate that i loved it this much, truly :P  but i did.  it has its flaws for sure, namely the fucking music, and the creatures had a creative design (of course they’re basically giant sets of ears) but honestly they looked pretty silly.  some of the scenes dragged longer than they needed to.  but i did really appreciate it taking its time to let dread build rather than cramming in scares and action scenes on top of each other.  the waiting and dreading seems like it would be so awful in this situation.  again, put us there with them.  fucking hell.  pg-13 horror that’s good is so rare.  horror this good is so rare.  fucking jim.  

all the money in the world - i found the stuff with the family super-interesting; the stuff with the son and the kidnappers super-boring, so i guess i’m split on this one.

la fille inconnue - i loved how absolutely real this movie felt.  i loved how moments dragged awkwardly in real time; i loved the natural performances (i’ve forgotten the lead actress’s name but she’s absolutely brilliant).  i knew pretty quickly who’d killed the girl, but i’m not sure it was supposed to be difficult to figure out, either.  i do wish it had had more of an ending rather than just ending, but...i guess that fits in with its realism.

[secret-captain-swan-blog]

Castle on the Hill

English Literature PhD student Emma Swan just needs money to pay for her last semester of grad school tuition. Killian Jones has always dreamed of opening a bookshop but has never been able to afford it. So when the small principality of Misthaven is looking for their lost princess, the pair decide that this might just be the perfect money making scheme.

A Multi-chapter Modern Day + Lost Princess (think Rapunzel/Anastasia-esque) + Book Lovers in a Coffee Shop AU

Rating: T

Word Count: 40791/ ?

Prologue (Part 1 + 2) // Ch 1 // Ch 2 // Ch 3 // Ch 4 // Ch 5 // Ch 6 // Ch 7 // Ch 8

Read on: Ao3

--

Emma arrives at Mamie’s the next day around noon. Killian’s learned her schedule by now to know that she teaches on Thursday mornings. While normally she takes her time to set up her stuff and open her laptop before ordering, today she walks right up to the counter.

“Swan,” He says, when she finishes her order and stands waiting at the end of the counter.

“Hi Killian,” She says, her face brightening as she faces him. His heart soars a bit at her expression. He makes her happy. That’s certainly something.

“How are you this day, fair maiden?” He asks.

She gives a signature eyeroll, but that doesn’t detract from the fact that she just smiled at him.

“I’m alright,” She says, “Teaching was chaotic this morning, but I survived.”

He wants to reach out and calm her, but he knows they aren’t there yet. In the privacy of a bell tower or her apartment, but not here in Mamie’s.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, Swan,” He says, “After all, you’re like me.”

“Like you how?” She laughs.

“Good at surviving,�� He replies, his voice is the slightest bit more serious. He can tell she senses it too. Because that’s the truth, they’ve had to fight to survive their whole life. They’re good at it. That’s what makes them kindred spirits.

She nods, her face a touch more solemn too at his declaration. She knows it too.

“Medium cappuccino,” A voice announces.

Her order arrives in a to-go cup, breaking the quiet moment.

“So anyway, Queen Mary Margaret called this morning and offered another ticket to the opera on Friday. Any chance you’d be up for Opera Round Two or whatever?” She says.

“Are you asking me on a date?” He flirts, before flinching at the instinct.

“I’m asking you to come to an opera with me,” She replies, her voice a bit steelier now. “As business partners.”

“Of course I’ll accompany you,” He vows.

“Great, I’ll text you the details,” She says, hiking her bag over her shoulder. It’s nearly bursting with books today.

“You aren’t staying?” He asks, trying not to sound immensely disappointed.

“I’ve got to head out,” She tells him. “I have a huge thesis deadline for Friday. I love Mamie’s, but I need a quiet library and no distractions.”

“What library?” He asks, just trying to keep the conversation going so she won’t leave.

“The one at Misthaven U,” She tells him. “Have you seen it before? It’s gorgeous.”

“No I’m not acquainted,” Killian replies.

“Really? I thought you loved books. This place is literary paradise,” She tells him.

Killian scratches behind his ear, “Perhaps I could accompany you?”

Emma looks mock-annoyed at his expression, but shrugs and says, “Yeah, sure. Come on.”

They walk through Old Town, across the bridge, and to the campus. Autumn is on the cusp of settling in now. The streets are starting to gather with dried leaves, bright and fiery hues of orange and yellow against grey stone roads. Emma’s dressed in a black dress today, tights, boots, and her signature jacket. He thinks about taking her to the countryside when the trees really being to change. He wants to show her the low country flushed with autumn colors.

As they walk through the campus, he glances at Emma. She looks so at home and confident here, navigating her way through the old and new buildings of the university. It’s a place that Killian hasn’t spent much time in, or any at all really. He wasn’t good at school. Maybe he could have been, in another life where he was raised in the castle, tutored by a Royal Scholar. But growing up in the system, spending time in a Young Offender’s institution, battling depression or whatever dark, apathetic demon haunted his teenaged years- all those things had made school just another task in survival. He wishes he had Emma’s comfortability here. While they may be kindred spirits, he all of a sudden feels crippled by how different they are.

“Are you okay?” She asks, stopping in front of an old building, noticing how bizarrely quiet he is.

“Yes, of course, love,” He replies, not wanting her to dwell in his own inadequacies.

“Well, get ready to see the greatest library I’ve ever seen,” Emma prefaces, as she wiggles back and forth in front of the door.

Killian breaks into a smile, seeing how joyful Emma seems about going to see books.

They walk inside and Killian’s eyes adjust to the dark. The library is all dark wood, stained glass, and books that go from floor to ceiling. It’s exquisite.

“This is amazing, Swan,” He tells her.

“I know, right?” She enthuses.

He follows her to a table, where she sets up shop. Emma stacks her books, her dainty school supplies, and fancy laptop. Killian feels another wave of intimidation. He doesn’t have anything with him.

“I’m, uh, going to find a book,” He tells her, leaving the table to set off through the library.

He weaves through the tables. The silence of the library is intimidating and uncomfortable. He makes his way to the wall of books. He realizes that the shelves nearby are restricted, ropes around them preventing people from reading them. They have old and withered covers, but still it seems silly to Killian to have books people can’t read. He exits the main hall of the library, heading into hallway upon hallway of books. It’s dizzying and he can’t find anything he’s looking for.

Killian likes libraries. He knows the Dewey Decimal systems. He’s worked shelving books before, so he doesn’t how he can possibly be so incompetent in this one. Three hallways and two staircases later, he finds a section that seems to contain literature. He hastily grabs a selection of books, hoping one of them will suffice.

“Did you find something good?” Emma asks, looking up from her laptop, still typing, when he returns to their table.

“We’ll see,” He mutters, beginning to sort through the stack.

“This place is so magical, right?” Emma tells him. “I always find the most interesting books and stuff. It makes me feel like some sort of Academia Disney Princess or something.”

Killian laughs. Emma in simply being herself, lightens his mood.

“Hey, I’m going to go get some resources from the Fairy and Folklore Collection,” Emma tells him. “Will you watch my stuff while I’m gone?”

He nods, “Of course, love.”

“You still haven’t remembered what collection you found The Gold Bug or whatever in.”

“Yellow Carriage, love,” He tells her, “The Gold Bug is by Edgar Allen Poe.”

Emma laughs and runs her hand through her hair, “Right. Well, if you remember let me know. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

She gets up and heads off down a hallway. Killian tries to make sense of his stack of books. He reads a few pages of one, but finds it too dull to continue. Another is accidentally in a different language. Another is a critique of a book and not the book itself. Killian feels himself grow more frustrated. He doesn’t belong here. He doesn’t really want to be here. The space feels suddenly confining. He wants to escape, to breath fresh autumn air, and forget about this stupid Ivory Tower library.

But Emma’s gone and he doesn’t want her laptop to be stolen. So, he stays at the table and muddles through the books. Eventually, he finds one in the stack that is passable to read for a few hours. It’s not terribly entertaining or philosophically interesting, but it’s good enough. He’s too uncomfortable in this space to truly relax.

Emma returns an hour later with a whole cart full of books. “I found all of these collections I haven’t looked through. Do you want to help me?”

Killian nods, happy for an excuse to feel useful or purposeful in this foreign place. They make their way through the tables of contents, scanning for fairy tales that look promising.

“What do you think of the Silver Carriage?” Emma asks.

“Let me see,” Killian requests, as she passes him the book. He scans the story. “No, this one is totally different. The hero is a man and it involves him marrying a turtle.”

“Let me guess,” Emma teases, “He kisses the turtle and it turns into a princess?”

“A prince, actually,” Killian tells her, surprised. “And then they ride off in a sunset to their happily ever after.”

“Oo, progressive. I like it,” Emma says, nodding with a smile. “But no luck for my thesis.”

Killian smiles her and feels a bit more comfortable.

They spend a few hours in the library searching through the fairy tale anthologies. Killian still hasn’t warmed up to the library, but he’s happy to have spent the afternoon with Emma. He loves glancing up from his book to see her reading, the colored light from the stained glass illuminating her blond hair. He can see the particles of dust around her, her eyes looking fondly upon books. Killian didn’t know until now that bookishness could be incredibly sexy.

Around 5pm, Emma looks up. “Well, no luck. We might as well call it a day.”

“Will you be okay for your deadline tomorrow?” Killian asks.

She grimaces, “I told my advisor that I found possible lead on a source for the The Yellow Bug and he wanted me to edit my chapter before I turned in this new draft- but obviously, that’s not going to happen. It’s best to just focus my energy now on editing the rest of the thing. Professor Shepherd will just have to understand.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t have been more helpful,” Killian says, “I wish I could remember.”

“No, it’s fine,” Emma says, as she stacks the books back on the cart. “It’s like searching for a needle in a haystack.”

Killian just wants to make everything easier for Emma. The less stressed she is about school, the more opportunities he’ll have to take her out around Misthaven, to read books with her at Mamie’s. He tries to think of something that would help.

“What if you asked the queen for help?” Killian asks, adding his books to her stacks.

Emma frowns, as she tosses the rest of her things in her tote bag. “Honestly, I’m not so sure that’s a good idea. She’s a fairy tale expert, but that doesn’t mean she’ll help me. Especially once she learns that it has to do with Blanche Neige.”

“That’s so true,” Killian says, realizing how dim his advice is.

“Her library however,” Emma says, “That might be a lead. I wonder what fairytales she has of her own collection.”

Killian grins, “She did say you could study there whenever you like.”

“I’ll ask her on Friday,” Emma says. “Hey, did you like that book you were reading? I could check it out for you.”

Emma’s charity seems weird. She’s let him into this weird, elitist world like it’s nothing. It’s like she’s assuming he’d want to stay in it.

“No, it’s fine, love.”

“Alright, I’m going to take out a few things,” She says, “I’ll be right back.”

A few minutes later, Emma’s bag bursting more than before, they make their way to the door. They walk out of the dark library, blinking as their eyes adjust to the bright sunlight.

“Where to now?” Killian asks.

“I really need to get home,” Emma decides, “I have so much editing to do.”

“First, you need dinner,” Killian tells her. He wants more time with her. He’s pretty sure he can never enough of Emma.

“Do I?” Emma protests. “I think I just need quality time with my dissertation.”

“There is a pretty decent crepe stand not far from your apartment,” Killian tells her. “What if we stopped there on your way home?”

“Fine,” Emma says, before cracking a smile.

They head to the tram station, happy to find the train waiting for them. Emma swipes in, and, as usual, Killian hops the turnstiles.

They ride along to the next station. Killian watches the university turn slowly into the business district. The tall buildings envelop the sides of the tram, outside the window business people leave their offices for the day in neat suits.

“Tickets and tram passes out,” A voice commands.

He watches as Emma digs in her bag for her tram pass.

Killian blanches. He’s been caught before. He’s paid a few fines, but all of them less than how much he’d pay for a tram pass. Those things are bloody expensive. All the same, he’s never been embarrassed to get caught. But it’s different besides Emma. All of a sudden, he feels a rush of shame that he’s never felt before.

It’s just like in the library earlier. He doesn’t belong. Emma’s world is universities and tram passes. Killian is a scoundrel, a thief, a low-life bartender. He doesn’t belong in her world. How could he even imagine dating her? How could he even imagine being enough for her?

“Sorry, mate, I’ve forgotten to buy one today,” Killian tells the officer, as he scans Emma’s pass.

“Sorry, mate, but that’ll be 100 euros,” the officer replies, not amused.

Killian accepts the citation, crumpling it and throwing it in his pocket.

“I could have just swiped you in,” Emma tells him. “Seriously, this student pass gives me like way more swipes than I could possibly use. Next time we can just use it-“

“It’s fine, Emma,” Killian grumbles.

“It’s not a big deal,” Emma shrugs. “It’s no burden to me and it’ll save you some fines.”

“I said, it’s fine,” Killian says more forcefully this time.

Emma looks shocked at his tone. He’s never been anything but kind to her. He has no reason to be anything but kind to her. Yet here he is, lashing out at her. She is just trying to be helpful, not knowing that she’s poking at a sore spot.

She’s quiet for the rest of the ride to her neighborhood. The crepe stand is along the canal. They get crepes. Emma selects one with egg, spinach, tomato, and cheese. Killian’s has chèvre and mushroom. Once they have their crepes, they go to sit along the canal.

“Wow, you’re right,” Emma says, “These are really good.”

Killian smiles, feeling some of the awkward tension between them dissolve.

“The food game in Misthaven is really prime,” She remarks, as she continues to chew.

“I’m glad you like it here,” Killian tells her.

A boat starts floating down the canal, one of the locks shifting to help it through.

“Hey, what did you think about the library?” Emma asks.

Killian wants to tell her the truth. He wants to say that he felt stifled there, uncomfortable, out of his league. He wants to say that being at a university reminded him of everything he didn’t know, all the opportunities to better himself that he missed. He wants to say that the feeling haunts him because it makes him feel not enough.

But he can’t tell Emma that. He can see the happiness in her eyes when she talks about the library.

“I really love studying there,” Emma says. “I seriously can’t stop instagraming it. I’m sure that my followers are all annoyed.”

“I don’t think they could be,” Killian says.

He’s itching to change the subject. He doesn’t want to talk about the damned library anymore.

“I wish you didn’t need a student ID to get in,” Emma babbles, “Because I wish you could study there anytime you want, Killian.”

“It’s no big deal to me,” he says, biting his crepe so he doesn’t have to keep responding.

“Wait! I know,” Emma exclaims, “You could take a class. Tuition is free here for Misthaven residents and you have enough time. You love literature anyway.”

“I don’t think I could,” He mutters.

“Why not? You’re well-read. You are definitely cleverer than the students I teach. You could just try a class and see if you like it. Wait, you could probably do a whole degree. Just take one class at a time, maybe double up when you can. In a few years, you’d have a basic degree-“

“Shut up, Emma.”

Her mouth snaps shut. Her are eyes are wide with shock at his admonition.

“I’m not taking a bloody class at that university.”

“Why not?” Emma protests, annoyed.

“What’s wrong with me as I am?”

“What?”

“Why am I not good enough? Why do I need a degree?”

“You don’t need one,” Emma says slowly, “You just seem interested in literature and I thought you’d get a lot out of it. I know I have.”

“I didn’t grow up like you,” He snarls.

“You grew up exactly like me,” Her voice is sharp.

“Did I?” Killian says, raising an eyebrow.

“Since when are we playing ‘my life was harder than your life?’” Emma shoots. “I thought we were kindred spirits or whatever.”

“I thought so too. But, no one was there to tell me that I needed to do well in school to get out of this trap. No one was there to tell me to get a degree. I was just trying to survive secondary school. I was trying to not feel so empty all the time. That’s why I read books. So I’d feel less empty, less alone.”

“Me too,” Emma protests.

“Did you? Or did you read them because you knew they’d make you successful in life? Did you read them because you wanted good grades and fancy universities? Did you want free opera tickets and advisors and libraries? Did you do it because you wanted to feel more important and more smart than everyone else?”

“What the hell?” Emma spits. “Why are you doing this?”

Killian wants to stop. He’s being rash, and mean. Mean to Emma who he adores. Why is he doing this? He can’t stop.

“Maybe it’s because you need to know that you can’t fix me,” Killian snaps.

“I’m not trying to fix you,” Emma protests, crumbling her crepe wrapper.

“Are you sure you just don’t think I’m not academic enough for you?” Killian says.

“Why would I care if you are academic enough?” Emma says, “I just thought you’d like to learn more about books. I enjoy learning about books. And we seem to like the same things.”

“Well maybe we aren’t as similar as we thought we are,” Killian spits out, regret washing over him.

“Maybe not. But can you just chill out?” Emma says, “You didn’t need to make a big deal out of this. You know what? I have a thesis to write. I’m not going to waste my time tending to your sensitive male ego.”

She gets up, turns on her heel, leaving Killian by the side of the river. He watches her go. He wants to chase after and apologize. She’s right- he’s too sensitive. His ego is turning a sweet idea from Emma into something nefarious and he knows it’s not. Killian wants to make it right. Emma’s one of the first miracles that’s come into his life in a long time. But right now, he can’t move. He’s weighed down by his anger. He’s stooping in it. And he lets her run away.

--

Emma wakes up the next morning. She was hoping that a night of sleep would clear her head from The Killian Debacle, but instead she’s still livid. She’s very tempted to stay under the covers all day so she doesn’t have think about him or their fight yesterday.

What was he thinking? She’s always thought of Killian as her weird life twin, but now she’s not sure. That reaction from him was so left field and she doesn’t know what to make of it.

Ugh, no, she can’t stay in bed because she needs coffee to process. She crawls out of bed, cringing at the chill. She’d slept with the window open, hoping that the fresh air would clear her mind. But an autumn chill has finally settled and she’s cold outside her blankets. She pulls a long cardigan over the leggings and tank top she slept in. She slinks into the kitchen, frowning at her empty cupboard. She’s going to need to make a grocery run to grab at least some things to eat for breakfast. But she can start with coffee at least. Emma pulls out the French press. The least she can do is coffee.

That is, until she opens her bag of grounds and realizes she’s out of those as well. She lets out an angry grunt and throws the bag across the room. Then, she lets out another angry grunt as she realizes that now she has to go clean up the residual grounds that fell out of the bag in her anger.

This all Killian’s fault, she thinks, as she goes to find the vacuum.

Seriously, all she had wanted to do was share her favorite library with him. Because he showed her his church tower view of town. Because he comforted her the last two days when she was an emotional mess. Because he’s cute and she kinda likes him, even if she isn’t ready for a relationship with him yet. She’d thought it would be a way to share something of herself with him. She isn’t good at sharing emotions or feelings, but she could share a library with him.

That was until he made it all about himself. It’s evident that Killian has some sort of inferiority complex or some weird unworthiness that Emma hasn’t been aware of till yesterday. She knows she must have set of some sort of nerve in suggesting he take a class. It’s not her fault. I can’t be. How was she supposed to know that he’s so fricken sensitive? But all the same, it’s not her job to prune his ego. If he has issues to work out, if he feels inferior, she can’t fix that for him. That’s the kind of thing he has to heal himself.

She vacuums up the grounds and then heads to her room to change into something that doesn’t smell like she slept in it. She finds a pair of skinny jeans and a flannel top. She grabs a beanie as well, realizing how cold it is. She isn’t in the mood to study at Mamie’s. She’d rather spend the day in her room. She turned in her thesis draft last night, so her plan for the day is mostly lesson planning with maybe a hint of  pleasure reading. The kind of thing to do in your jamies and endless mugs of coffee.

But, well, her pantry has other ideas, so to Mamie’s she goes.

She’s surprised to find no texts from Killian when she checks her phone on the tram. She’s always thought he’d be the kind of guy to grovel. The kind of guy who blows up your phone with apologies after any fight. But her phone is silent, so maybe he’s still angry. She can also see Killian has the kind of guy to hold a grudge for a long time if provoked. Maybe he’ll stay mad at her forever.

It’s not even like she was trying to make him mad. It’s not like she wanted him to feel bad about himself or whatever. She’s not going to apologize. She has nothing to apologize for. Right? Right?

And who is she going to go to the ballet with tonight? Does this mean they aren’t business partners anymore? Why did Killian have to freak out like this and throw a wrench in their plans?

She’s angry. But she’s also concerned. Killian wouldn’t throw everything away if he wasn’t really hurt.

Gritting, her teeth, Emma gets off the tram and heads to Mamie’s. She’s weirdly happy that’s she fueled with rage and frustration, otherwise she might have fallen asleep on the tram.

She arrives to Mamie’s and relieved to see Killian isn’t there. She doesn’t know what to say to him. Would she apologize? Would he?

She gets in line for her cappuccino, a smile coming to her face at the very idea of caffeine.

“A large cappuccino for here, please,” Emma requests.

The barista nods.

“Name?” She asks.

“Emma,” She replies.

She heads to her usual table to spread out her work. She pulls some American literature books out of her bag, stacking them neatly, and flicking open her laptop.

“Cappuccino for Emma,” A voice calls.

She pauses. It’s not the chirpy voice of the barista.

It’s Killian’s.

All of sudden he’s there. He’s holding out a to-go cup with “I’m sorry, Swan” scrawled across the drink holder.

“Look, I was completely out of line yesterday,” He begins. “Sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am to have a-“

“Wait, Killian,” Emma interrupts, “Can I have the coffee? I’m kinda dying here.”

“Certainly,” He says, handing Emma the mug, “But please let me continue. I’ve been rehearsing this, love. Sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am to have made a best friend as intelligent, as ambitious, as successful as you. I often feel as if I’m not smart enough, not worthy enough to know you. And yesterday, that inferiority got out of hand and I took it out on you.”

“Killian that’s silly, okay?” Emma tells him, “I’m definitely not some holier-than-thou intellectual. We’ve been over this. I did get really lucky and I acknowledge that. But that doesn’t mean I look down on you. I never look down on you.”

“I know. I wasn’t fair to you,” He says, “I’m sorry.”

“Look I can’t make you feel worthy, only you can do that. I can’t make you feel intelligent, only you can do that. But know that you truly can do anything you want. You can take a college class. You can open a bookshop. It’s never too late to live the life of your dreams.”

Killian scratches behind his ear. “I’m not so sure about that. But thanks.”

Emma smiles at him and nods at him to sit across from her. “So are we still on for the ballet tonight?”

“Of course,” He replies.

“Good, because I had no clue where I’d find a date this late, you know?”

“Hmm, so it’s a date?”

“It’s not a date.”

“Keep telling yourself that, Swan.”

--

The ballet that night is elegant, if a little cliché. Cinderella by Prokofiev. Emma loves watching each of the different fairies prance across the stage. And the music itself is just as good as the dancing.

At intermission, she and Killian stop by Mary Margaret’s box. If there is tension from the Blanch Neige incident of the day before, it’s not evident now. In fact, the Queen more insistent than ever that Emma stop by for tea this Wednesday and that she should bring her homework to stay and use the library afterwards. Emma can’t complain, because she knows that the plan is truly starting to work. The Queen is infatuated with her. The Queen is believing to suspect that Emma is the princess.

--

Tagging some pals: @sambethe @lenfaz @pocket-anon @the-corsair-and-her-quill@kmomof4 @kiwistreetswan@princesseslikepirates @timeless-love-story @shady-swan-jones@katie-dub@1handedpiratewithadrinkingprob @midnightswans

[storiesbyaya]

Story of A Hero- 23

{First}{Previous}{Mobile}{Next} Jazz was sitting on Will and the twins’ table monday at Lunch. She held a mysterious cardboard box on her lap and, for a moment, Will was confused…

Until he saw the familiar green lightning bolt logo. Instead of confused, he became excited, and nearly bounded over to the box. Jazz grinned at him, but continued to hold it close even as he approached. “So… Weird thing, but my sister came outta her room this morning. She gave me this. Made me promise not to let anyone but you touch what’s in it. And then, she ate breakfast with me and walked me to the bus. I don’t know what this thing is, and I don’t care. But I know you did something, and because of it, I got to see my sister, and hear her laugh and stuff. So whatever this is? You take good care of it.” She spoke with a serious tone, yet also seemed happy. Will was happy for her.

He nodded. “I know you said you don’t care to know, but… that box likely has my parents’ research,” he explained. “Oh,” Jazz said, understanding blooming on her face. She gave him a cheerful smile. “Explains why it’s so important… And why she’d only trust you with it.” Even though she didn’t know Will, as far as Jazz was aware. He held the box with the same care she had. “She trusted you with it, too. I think that’s a good thing?” “I think so too.” Their conversation ended when Percy and Lily arrived. She rejoined her table, and they ate together. It was hard to concentrate through the rest of the day, with the anticipation and fear all welling up at once. What could it contain?

-x-x-x

The box contained an external harddrive, as well as a note, written in green glitter pen. William decided to start with that first.

“Fun fact,” it read “A friend of mine has ‘Anaesthesia Awareness’. Waking up during the herein described procedures caused damage to his Adex. (Read up on subject KX-023) This break is what allowed us to break free.

I believe in you, William.  Let the mistakes of our past become the tools to build a better future.

Tessa Nickols (xxx-xxx-xxxx. Let me know if you need any more help. Give my number to Kat too. I miss that brat.)

PS- For privacy reasons, many names and faces have been redacted. Hope you understand.

PPS- Hard drive password is your sister’s middle name.”

Diana. The password was Diana. William wondered if that was done by Tessa or by his parents, but he only wondered briefly.

The amount of stuff here was… Intimidating. He didn’t even know where to start. He had to take a deep breath and center himself to even try to tackle this. Maybe… weed out the unnecessary stuff? Grant applications. Letters to investors. A bunch of other money related things. That was irrelevant to his studies. It went into a special folder. Just in case. Facility descriptions… As the document began with nothing but maps of the facility, William was going to ignore it, until he noticed that there were several pages. The building only had four floors, if he remembered correctly. There should only be four pages, if it was nothing but maps.

“As this is a foreign field of research, much of our equipment has required upgrades, and some custom equipment has been needed to advance our research.”

The section below the maps continued on, describing what kind of upgrades and changes had been made to existing equipment. It was all incredibly fascinating to William, but one very specific section caught his attention.

It described, in great detail, a special instrument created to measure and observe resonance.

“Tests have revealed that Adex exude a special energy. It has been named “resonance” due to the way it reacts within human subjects. With this, resonance can be observed and measured. This advance has increased the success rate of forced symbiosis to 98.7% Forcing symbiosis with two subjects who’s resonances do not match almost always results in MEIR-Type entities, and/or loss of one or both subjects. Forcing symbiosis with a subject that exudes no resonance at all results in failure 100% of the time.”

“So resonance has… types. And this thing they made shows them in different colors,” he said to himself, and scribbled this fact into a notebook. To his surprise, Imshael hopped onto his desk. “Hello,” they greeted, before curling into a ball near the keyboard. “I want to help.” “You… want to… help?” William repeated, confused. The words themselves were not confusing, but rather the ‘who’ they were spoken by. Even after the first time he’d heard Imshael during training, they’d still stayed so quiet Will almost forgot they COULD speak. “Well, yes. Bayesh and I feel I may have answers to questions you might have. I am, after all, an Adex. You’d assume I would know a few things about myself.” “I think assuming that would be kind of silly. Humans have to learn about their bodies, I’m sure you guys do, too. But...unlike us, there is no school for adex.” “True,” they said, swishing their tail to and fro, “But you learn things with age. Like the fact that resonance’s color matches the color of the adex itself. The color of the thing within you. It also tends to dictate what kind of abilities we will grant. I’ve come to notice white adex mean white light, for instance.” William scribbled that down, and gave her a few small pets as thanks.

Then, he continued to read.

None of it was nearly as interesting as the resonance testing equipment, and most of it made him grumble in disgust. The schematics for Meir containment cells. The dampeners that kept the ‘subjects’ from using their powers. All kinds of resonance sapping weaponry.

“Oh. Hey, maybe that could be useful for… I don’t know, fighting bad guys?” Harley suggested. For a moment, William considered keeping the documents and then sending them to Angel. She’d know what to do with them, and how to make them into weapons that could be used to fight metahumans and meirs without the need for HeroNet. But William turned to Tessa’s letter once more, and sighed. “We promised we’d never let anyone else see this research, Harley. I’m not going to betray Tess’ trust…” William reminded her. Harley looked down, and would probably frown if her muzzle would allow. “Oh. My apologies. Shall I leave?” Imshael asked. William looked down to them, then back to the screen, and then to Harley. “Immy’s technically not another person… They’re an Adex.” While true, William gave a sigh. Technicalities didn’t sit well with him. But he had Tessa’s number, so he decided to ask her.

[Will] Hi Tessa, this is William Kray. We received the hard drive safely, but my father’s Adex wants to help. You said not to let anyone else see what’s on this drive.

[Peony] Oh! A wild Will! Right down to business, I see. Call me Peony, kay? Wow. She answered pretty fast. But Jazz did say that she never left her room, so she likely always had her phone.

[Peony] Would Kat trust this Adex? Knowing who your parents are, I would say there’s no one more trustworthy. But ultimately, I kept this stuff safe FOR your sister.

[Will] Right. Thank you, Peony.

Kat… She wouldn’t be angry if William let Imshael see the data. But she WOULD be angry if it was used to hurt anyone. So, ultimately, Wiliam chose to put a pin in it and continue to read.

He moved on to the folder that contained actual test results.

“KY subjects?” William read out loud. There were twenty entries, but no indication what the KY stood for. William had to examine them, and after a few, he noticed the pattern.

“These are… Older than me. The subjects were all adults… This must be the initial testing for forced symbiosis… Look, this person is deceased,” he pointed out. The other four sets of eyes looked to where he was pointing.

“Of course. Adults can’t fuse with us. The necessary changes can not be done to an already fully formed body. That it took them twenty people to notice,” Imshael grumbled. “Well… I guess… The good news is that they only resorted to using children because nothing else would work… Granted they could have just… Not continued their research on forced fusion.” “Not every question needs to be answered,” Harley agreed. “Like… I don’t actually want to know how many bugs I can fit in my mouth?” While Imshael and Harley continued to list off examples of things they did not need to know the answer to, William skimmed through the rest of the KY files, but they were ultimately more of the same.

He moved on to the KX subjects. Those he knew. “Kx-01 subject. 12 year old female. Volunteer, informed consent (See risk waiver) blah blah…” William read out loud, frowning. “This girl became their first Meir… But they ‘learned a great deal about Meirs, how to contain them, and how to destroy them’ thanks to her… I… Don’t…” William had to step away for a moment. Destroy. They meant kill. Murder. End a life, maybe even two. He couldn’t bear to read about the tests they did on the meir. He closed the file and moved on. More Meirs. More deaths. Some children saved at the cost of their Adex being destroyed. Few successes, until... “This one’s different. KX-14,” Will eventually said, his brow relaxing from the ever deepening frown he’d had previously. “Different how?” Imshael asked. “Successful symbiosis with ANB72… Result, the ability to mimic the abilities of other Adex. KX14’s ability has allowed us to predict the type of abilities an adex will have-”...Basically, this says she’s the reason we know Adex colors correspond to what kind of power they’ll give. She also… ‘claims to see a faint colorful glow’ coming from the Adex.’... She could… See resonance?” Though Harley was wagging her tail enthusiastically,  Imshael showed no sign of interest. Their tail just… swished lazily. “Immy, there’s people who can see Resonance! Isn’t that cool?” he asked, putting his hands near them, but they didn’t move. “I suppose?” they said. William frowned. “You knew already.” “Yes. Sorry. I see you’re excited. I do not mean to detract from your excitement.” Imshael’s apathy aside, William continued, noticing that there was a small note at the end of kx-14’s file. They weren’t the only person to see Resonance, but it took until subject 19 to realize that this phenomena was a real thing and not a stress induced hallucination or something of the sort. From there, there was a lot more successes. 22, however, was an outlier.

Succesful at first, the stress and isolation turned them into a Meir. “Dr. Evergarden decided to use the Meir to test out the powers of successful subjects, beginning project Nightmeir.” It linked to the project, but this William refused to click. He continued.

Kx-023. William picked up Peony’s note and looked again. She’s mentioned this subject, told him to look.

“Subject awoke during procedure. Panic caused a small scuffle until he could be sedated again. No lives lost, but Adex suffered damage. See Incident reports.” And dated later, a note had been added stating :”Subject releases small amounts of Resonance even with Dampeners. Without dampeners, subject can not control his ability and destroys anything he touches. (Re: Request- Wall repair in B2-B wing,)” And a little later still, “Subject experiences blackening of veins in hands (What??) Sent to medical examination immediately, but no medical reasons have been found. He is perfectly healthy. Maybe this is caused by the Adex damage? Continue monitoring.”

William looked back to the floor plan, on an inkling that this wall that needed repairs might be one that resulted in the collapse.

Unfortunately, he realized that he was not an architect and couldn’t really figure it out, so he returned to his reading.

There were few deviations. Meirs, successes… He could tell that it was around there that they’d managed to get the Resonance measuring machine working. Hell, even the number of consenting subjects rose the closer he got to his sister’s number.

There wasn’t much to learn, but he did notice a naming pattern for the Adex, and understood they were named by their color. From there, he compiled a list of Adex colors and their abilities… But there was one strange code he didn’t understand. Some adex codes started with an “A”, but they were few. 14, 24,72…

Wait.

72? 72 was…

Kat!