#whatever it is youre smoking i want it

[madelynpryor]

having a dad is just thinking what is bro yappin about every 5 seconds

[riveatstoes]

The Charles Xavier Dr. Pepper Timeline (CXDPT)

i can feel in my bones that this is something hardcore X-Men fans are going to lose their minds over (because it’s already happened once in real life), so a quick DISCLAIMER: this is a joke! this is not a serious post, but is actually the culmination of an inside joke between me and my friend! laugh! it’s supposed to be funny.

so, almost two weeks ago now, me and my friend were chatting with a logan chatbot, and—as two people who ship scogan—decided to ask him about scott. and it replied by accidentally using she/her pronouns for him, thus giving us the first inkling of this horrible, horrible au: transmasc scott summers.

from there it wasn’t a long road to where we’re at now, which is…interesting, to say the least. we add onto this universe whenever we’re being stupid and the X-Men come up. for example, we were at work and hating it, so we thought “what if charles decided to make the X-Men work in fast food for a day, and they all abandon kurt inside to do every station himself”

goes without saying that now whenever we’re mad at our job, we express it out loud in mildly okay kurt wagner impressions.

but anyway, the main part of this post is next: the specifics of this AU, written out in a bullet point list of everything that’s canon in it. let me reiterate that this is for shits and giggles, so i don’t want to hear anything about “but _____ isn’t canon!!!” WE KNOW.

Everything Canon In The CXDPT

Charles was not born with his abilities, but instead gained them right after WWII. His parents offered him a crisp can of Dr. Pepper, and the sheer deliciousness gave him the powers we know him for

In order to maintain his abilities he has to drink an absurd amount of Dr. Pepper daily

TRANSGENDER SCOTT!!!

Scogan is real and they’re insufferable

Laura is a Disney Channel / Hannah Montana girlie and makes Logan watch with her (he’s secretly also a fan)

Jean is transphobic. This is a repercussion of her having almost no personality in the original movie trilogy. She was also hit by the lesbianism beam

Laura got Hollywood Undead banned in the mansion

Kurt has a mysterious BF who just stands next to him most of the time and enjoys throwing rocks at Magneto (Kurt doesn’t take part in this but does encourage it)

Charles uses his telepathy to harass Scott into bringing him Dr. Pepper (the others don’t care as much so manipulation doesn’t work)

“Hey Scott, it’s me, Charles Xavier. Remember how my legs don’t work? Do you see this wheelchair? Wanna bring me a Dr. Pepper about it, Scott?”

Laura got banned from MovieStarPlanet for harassing and cussing out her “ex-boyfriend”

Mystique and Rogue defend anything questionable that Laura does by going “Oh come ON guys she’s JUST a GIRL!!!”

Storm is the only normal one here. Everyone else ages her so very badly just by being their pure, unaltered selves

Scott is actually Y/N

Cherik is canon but only in a “it’s my weekend with the kids, I don’t care if it’s your birthday, I only get to see them once every other week ASSHOLE” kind of way

we acknowledge that this is quite the departure for certain characters, but the thing is that they’re fictional characters so what harm is this actually doing? this AU was purely made to fit our senses of humor which aren’t always the best, to say the least, but it’s funny to us.

hope you enjoyed this post but you probably didn’t, if i’m honest.

[something-about-sunflowers]

What is it about smokers that makes them the least considerate people in the entire fucking world? And I'm including people who vape and people who smoke pot tbh.

(Preemptive 'if this doesn't apply to you then leave me the fuck alone about it, I'm not talking about you but also it probably does apply to you in one way or another and you should do better about that')

My mom doesn't like to go places in my car because I don't want her to smoke in it. She doesn't like to go to the grocery in my car because I won't let her smoke in it. Our regular grocery is MAYBE a 5 minute drive with high traffic.

Everyone I know who vapes does it without a single care for where they are. They do not bother to ask if they CAN do so, they do it until they are told not to. And then they still try to sneak it when they think they can get away with it. They do not care if they blow their vape directly in your face.

When I was a teenager my mom was out of work for a while. My parents were separated and I lived with my mom*. We had such little money on one occasion that, when I happened to have maybe 10$ because a friend lent it to me, I got some mcdonald's for dinner. My mom was mad I used the money for food instead of buying her cigarettes. We had next to NOTHING to eat in the house.

(*Believe it or not this was still preferable to living with my dad.)

Every person I know who smokes pot doesn't give half a rat's ass that it smells fucking RANCID to people who don't. When I was in school there were kids who came by my group's lunch table and would just light up a joint like nobody minded. I minded. The smell was bad enough but the smoke itself ALSO FUCKS WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S LUNGS. SOME PEOPLE HAVE SHITTY LUNGS. They literally only stopped because one of the people in my group wound up pregnant and asked them not to because it could affect her baby. She STILL had to ask them to stop several times.

As a kid I got bullied because all of my clothes smelled like smoke. I had chronic bronchitis and if it wasn't directly caused by my parent's smoking it certainly was exacerbated by it. I have been burned on at least three separate occasions by three separate people's cigarettes because they didn't care enough to pay attention to where they were waving it around.

I already know I have shitty parents and that is a contributing factor to some of this but it still stands that OTHER people in my life are like this too. Everyone I have ever met who smokes or vapes has been like this one way or another. It is infuriating.

[omtai]

just had a couple mildly inconveniencing things happen so not a big deal but they were in such quick succession that it’s a miracle i didn’t immediately become the joker and kill everybody. Everybody please join hands and pray for me

[scarlct-vvitch]

brb reporting my neighbors and trying not to feel mean abt it

[advancedscurvy]

other people have got to have someone who they keep around as a bug under a microscope for being like “what in the hell is wrong with you”

[sergeant-angels-trashcan]

Look. Okay. Look. I have been thinking about The Threepenny Opera (Donmar Warehouse version) and the song "What Keeps A Man Alive" because when you're not really feeling your fellow man that's the song you sing. Which. Is a topic for another time.

But the gist of the song is that in order to survive you have to do bad things, you have to do whatever it takes ("you have to kill your neighbor to survive/it's selfishness that keeps a man alive") and I was listening to "Feast or Famine" from Black Friday and realized: this is the same song. Spiritually. This is the same song ("there's always a line to be cut and some one to barrel through")

Sure, one is considerably more disturbing (my opinion is that the Donmar Warehouse version is theeeeee most disturbing translation of Die Dreigroschenoper but that's me) but they are both saying: humans suck, actually. And they'll do anything to get what they think they need. (Feast or Famine is a really 3penny song tbh. "Take what you want/return what you get")

I didn't really have a point i just wanted to remind everyone that Jeff Blim is kind of a genius and him joining forces with the Langs is insane. The monologue Uncle Wiley gives in the Black and White? In conjunction with "Feast or Famine"? Don't even speak to me.

[urdeadbestfriend]

some of my friends are pissing me off …

[wellenklavier]

man. i really want to push my bf to stop vaping sooner rather than later but i also dont want to be some kind of asshole. like he's expressed that he wants to quit many times and has tried in the past,, esp if i move in i think i'd like to bring it up that he should try again. idk man

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

...

[hauntingblue]

Jaya time

I love these moments of nearly cosmic horror when they encounter inexplicable things (at first) they are so intriguing

Is strawhat here?! *Megan thee stallion saying AAH 😜*

This cover just goes hard... Get it chopper

[yantao-enthusiast]

bring back youtuber AUs pls. i need to read a fic about someone anonymously posts on reddit looking for advice about their troubles with love or something and the person of their affections, who is on a channel like smosh pit or something, reads it and gives advice and they’re like “i totally get it” all vague and stuff while thinking about the person and said person is like freaking the fuck out. bonus points is the initial someone is also on the channel, and even more bonus points if the audience already ships them but as like a mostly inside joke but there are people who are hardcore about it. i eat it up.

[binders-and-beanies]

Peer pressure for weed is so real actually and it gets laughed off bc it’s the Harmless Drug

[thinkinpoink]

Me? Having a meltdown due to stupid changes in the work scheduling process?

More likely than you think!

[sydmarch]

instead of going to bed i'm ranking disco elysium characters by where they'd fall on my blunt rotation

[rilakkoda]

me unironically loving the fuck out of, while at the same time also unironically fucking hating this song called ding-dong band by tsuneo imahori and making myself listen to it just to torture myself is what I've decided to call self harm