#whatever im graduating in a few weeks anyway

[discountsoysauce]

Love being nonconfrontational

[sneez]

three bog-standard tervises (pissed off) and one rare and unusual tervis (smiling)

[id: four digital drawings. the first image shows tervis sitting hunched on the ground with their arms wrapped around their knees, staring distrustfully at the viewer. they are barefoot and are wearing a brown robe and a red shawl draped over their head and shoulders. the second image is a painterly portrait of tervis looking straight at the viewer against a blue background. they are wearing a bulky respirator which covers most of their face and have a single mechanical eye which is glowing blue. the third image is a coloured portrait of tervis against a sky-blue background. they have pulled their hood down and are looking into the air with an expression of tentative wonder. the fourth image is a photograph of a sign on the door of an office which reads ‘DO NOT ENTER THE OFFICE. PLEASE RESPECT MY PERSONAL SPACE. NOTHING TO DO WITH CORONAVIRUS, I AM JUST A MISRABLE [sic] BASTARD’. tervis (with respirator, mechanical eye, and mechadendrite) has been drawn into the scene as though they are sitting at the desk; they are looking resignedly out at the viewer. end id.]

[toothlesshat]

ive been moved into college for like two weeks and i keep fluctuating between ‘im adjusted to this now’ and ‘i hate this i wanna go home everyone here sucks’ but such is the life i suppose . anyways my roommate of one and a half weeks dropped out literally like almost immediately so now i have a single ( ? ) i guess . it’s a little nice to be able to do whatever i want but the fact her side of the room is completely empty really makes you realize how your cinder block dorm room looks very prison cell adjacent

Honestly kind of a huge stroke of luck they dropped out. Lesbian activity can now commence? 🤔

Also I’m sorry I was MIA when you graduated but I’m really proud of you 🥺 yeah college sucks but you have an idea of what you want to do so I think you’ll be just fine. Also bask in the glow of knowing what you’ll be doing for the next few years bc bro I’m out of school and I still don’t know what the fuck is going on 😭😭

[emmebearpaw]

ok ok im thinking about pronouns for our firebrands game. Maybe it’s just because of my weirdness and lack of internal sense of gender (for the most part).

why are pronouns something a person selects for themself. Like should a pronoun not be something another person chooses to indicate something about how they view you. Whether that be gender, relationship dynamic, emotional connection, whatever.

on a related topic, aging! Excuse the diatribe but it will help. When I took swim lessons when I was younger, the swim school I went to had different classes not based on age but on proficiency of your skills. Like there was a list of things you had to do and after you had done them all you got a ribbon and you would move up to the next class the next time they had an opening (every few weeks). Anyways, a society in which aging isn’t really based on days/years etc (probably because they don’t exist in a way conducive to human lifespan), but on reaching milestones and then being graduated to the next age.

and tying it back to pronouns, in that society, there are different pronouns not for gender, a thing that conveys little, but about how someone’s age group relates to yours. The ways it can be extruded, would it be a sign of respect to refer to someone as more “skilled” than they are? What about making fun of your friends who burnt dinner the other day by jokingly referring to them as “little kid”, basically.

obviously this system would need to have some sort of recognition mechanism for those outside of this aging system, because pronouns are relational. Like you could calculate how old a foreigner is but it takes a while (+ like. An interview basically) to actually figure out where a person would be placed, and due to the “graduation” requirement it would probably take at least several weeks to actually. Catch them up. Plus the culture would probably have some oddities that make the conversion. Strange.

Like, congrats 30 something year old person (Standard galactic age), unfortunately you never had an apprenticeship and so, despite having a partner and two kids, we have placed you as (age group roughly equivalent to teenager). We can speed run a little apprenticeship for you if you don’t want to be a (roughly equivalent to teenager) forever. Yeah anyways until then, you are going to be surprisingly young.

But there is also oddity going the other way too, because a person who leaves that culture… better be ready to go back to a normal aging system. Because you probably aren’t going to be able to fulfill the requirements in the ways you expected to and most certainly aren’t going to be able to be graduated to the next age group. Anyways sorry Aki, you are culturally like 9-12 forever.

why would this sort of system have adapted:

My current thought is it developed from colonies with diverse populations of peoples with different rates of aging. Especially those that have more people who are medium term laborers and not permanent settlers, where knowing how experienced someone is is more important than knowing their age, and/or on celestial bodies where the common time measurements don’t line up to the people living there’s rate of life.

writing this out im actually having trouble determining why pronouns would be connected to this but eh

also completely unrelated but Aki’s view on names is also permanently skewed because of the place Aki grew up in. Because people have multiple names to minimize confusion between people. Like having two names is relatively uncommon in the community because it’s small. Just think of another name. Aki doesn’t have a second name, or what is our world’s equivalent of a last name.

[punk-pandame]

for the kank hc's anon

first i love you, second i love you, and third here's some hc's"

Canonverse

used to put on little puppet shows for baby gaara <3 started with just sock puppets and a cardboard box, but as kank got better at building and started practicing to be a puppet master shinobi, he graduated to marionettes and a little wooden performance stand.

temari claimed to hate said puppet shows but every once in a while she'd give him some spare doll clothes for the puppets that she "didn't want" for her own dolls, and he caught her watching with a smile a few too many times to keep believeing her heehee <3

middle child syndrome to the max. he has a super strong older sister and an even stronger younger brother, both of whom im assuming rasa favored. his father may not have put hits out on him "more times than he can count" (6) but he sure as fuck felt neglected!

i think he never had a canon love interest not because they didn't care enough about him to give him one, but because he doesn't need or want a partner. kankurou is cool taking his time and enjoying life on his own and if he meets someone, cool! but if not its no skin off his back, he's just out here doin what he do anyway

while i love world building and think it would be so cool if they had some sort of significance, i honestly think it'd be hilarious if his face paint designs didn't mean a damn thing. he just thinks they're cool and when he finds a pattern he likes he'll stick with it for as long as he likes it

that being said, he sometimes forgets he can just? switch it up? whenever? like he'll be painting the same shit on his face for three years, thinking to himself how much he hates this design now and wishes he could do another one, and mid-paint job realizes he can just. do that. so he scrubs it off and starts over. usually becomes an all-day affair of testing different styles until he finds one he likes enough to wear for the next few years lmfao

temari and gaara are his official face paint reviewers but he doesn't actually listen to a damn thing they say. he does not want criticism he wants emotional support pls and thnx. and it is 100% mandatory. cancel your appointments, kank is having a Crisis.

when he was younger he changed looks more frequently, and would sorta treat it as a a new-year-new-me type thing. inevitably would go too hard on trying to change his whole personality along with the new look and go back to normal in a week or two, but GOD that week or two was so trying for literally everyone around him asllahdjkgha

Modern AU

obviously he's a furry. loves the "yknow like nya?" meme and still does it, without a single care in the world for who may or may not be embarrassed of it

honestly subscribes to the "i am crazy/cringe but i am free" lifestyle he'll just do and say whatever tf XD

that being said, he really doesn't do anything that crazy. like the craziest thing about him is probably being a theatre kid. he likes performing just fine, but his real passion is in the set-building.

autism be damned, my boy sure can work a nail gun

goes SO HARD for halloween you have NO fucking idea. he's building himself a gundam suit as we speak

gamer boy! loves video games and has a sleek PC set-up. started his twitch channel for gaming but his viewers were actually way more interested in all his supplies in the back and now most of his streams are just him building stuff and talking to chat, but he'll bring back the games when he gets hyperfixated on one or a new game comes out.

special interest in animatronics. he loves them so much and will ramble for HOURS if you let him (please let him please god please let him he wants to talk about them SO bad)

[nyaqtn]

☆〜（ゝ。∂ 03/07/2024; [11:29 am]

my last few days of 11th grade.. FINAAALLLYYY!!!!!

were currently playing hide&seek .. i fpund a reaally good hiding spot hehe (im in an empty classroom hiding behind a big canvas) its been about 10 minutes and im getting bored...

anyways!! ive been doing ALOTTT better recently.. on one hand because school related stress is not driving me insane anymore and on the other hand because my summer internship that ive had lots of struggles with (will write more about that later) is posponed to next summer. ONE WEEK FROM NOW ILL BE IN LONDON !! I CANT WAIT.. ive been missing london ever since i left it last summer.. its been hard for me to really look forward to my summer break because of mentioned internship..

in order to graduate the school that im going to you have to complete a 4 week internship during summer break and since my classes are taught in english, they (basically pressured) us to find one in another, preferably english, country. this sounds a lot easier than it actually is, especially if you consider the fact that we have tons of exams and projects thus not a lot of time to send applications out.. ok well lond story short; i agreed to the first oppurtunity i got and ive been dreading actually going there ever since then. . i was supposed to go to berlin for four weeks.. but the woman i was in contact with wasnt nice and all the living opportunities were way too expensive .. so i decided to cancel everything and just take another year to find a fitting position that ill actually look forward to :3 this decision took a lot of weight off my shoulders ..

so ! now i can look forward to my holidays, my trip to london, trip to croatia and whatever else ill do now that i have the whole summer to myself.

update: they just found me ..</3 we will play activity now heh

[queerspaceprince]

super long post

i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags

i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.

and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.

Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.

it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?

when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.

there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.

then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.

when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.

anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.

i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.

there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.

anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.

the whole thing about there still being time.

i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.

there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.

im still scared to do anything.

i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.

i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.

it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???

and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.

i think ill start on that again.

while i still have time.

[inkofamethyst]

May 30, 2024

I know I know I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to others and that everyone is on their own timeline or running their own race or whatever,, but I came across the girl on tiktok who said she coded a spotify/twitter bot when she was in high school and like I know those are the types of skills that one needs to build up to but she mentioned it as a throwaway line like it was nothing but it sounds so complex and I wouldn't even know where to begin (the logical side of my brain would like to note that the creator is about to graduate with a CS degree while I have taken a single CS class). My focus is learning bioinformatics this summer so I can get those skills down. I still plan to work on shell-based cyoa's in my downtime to keep the skills up (and maybe also working on that piggybank idea I had to try out some other skills). I will worry about creating spotify-based things some other time.

For now, I've got the github student developer pack (probably too early but hey why not) and I will keep on carryin' on at my own little pace.

My roommate is gone for the summer which is exciting in some respects but also terrifying in others (probably only bc I worry about things a lot). Like living alone is great and all, but there's also no one immediately nearby to check if I'm okay. I had a major tummyache last week and there's no one around to grab me remedies if I can't get them myself. I mean there's my lab mate.. my.. island-friend who lives nearby but right now she's on vacation! My parents check in occasionally and I chat with my sister often but if I went missing people might not know for a scarily long time.

Like last weekend I went to a party in a part of town that I don't really care to frequent alone, but there's no one really in my immediate area who could be my anchor, my hey-im-going-out-i-should-be-back-by-midnightish go-to person.

So I need more friends/closer friends nearby.

Got it. Cool.

Uhm something I learned last week was that raw broccoli is good for you but only in moderation. Eat too much and they'll unionize in your stomach against you. I was eating it daily as a little snack to get my fiber up but then after a few days had these dreadful stomach cramps and my mom told me that the veg could actually be the cause. Few days of no broccoli later and I'm good as new lol. So messed up because I thought I was getting my life together while I was actively making it worse :(

Today I'm thankful that the breakfast casserole I made this morning turned out amazingggg. I added cinnamon swirls to it but I think I went a little light. Next time, more for sure. And maybe nutmeg.

Also thankful for occasional rainy mornings!! Especially when they give way to partly cloudy afternoons.

Anyway keep an eye on this space bc I uhhhh I might be about to buy a bass maybe? And like, in a way that aligns with my values? fingers and toes crossed for a response [edit, next day: meetup planned, very anxious about it]

[thejournaluser]

HELLO stranger! welcome to my posts- or blogs- or whatever! i still dont know how to use tumblr or how it works!!! this is basically my randomness stuff, take it as you will. i might do blogs just to post poems and stuff, but ye. Enjoy your time here in my acc!

account announcements log:

(jan 26) made lots of poems before making this account. might post them all but it takes a while ughghghg

(jan 27) im starting to write my thoughts here as well. oh well, might as well make fun here in this account LOL

(feb 4) might wanna post stuff about my ocs. dunno why but i thought i wanted to be famous but eh seems illogical

(feb 11) i might write random shitposts because im THAT out of ideas and full of boredom. mega spoilers tho-

(feb 15) hiya peeps. not feeling the ups right now, just the downs. it'll go away eventually but right now i'd rather feel the emotions than bottle them up. i'll be back soon.

(feb 19) hi y'all. im back from the downs and im currently in a valley in between (istg if any beasts would appear i would-) anyway time to do my usual

(feb 20) woah, did not expect my writing prompts to be getting attention lol. might do those just to get some hearts and all. enjoy the stuff btw!

(feb 22) did NOT expect for my post to get this much attention lol. this account was supposed to be a dump for my creativity BUT im glad people are enjoying it. Thank y'all for staying!

(mar 3) might not be up for it but uhh i wanna do story prompts with a side of shitposting. i already did a sample a few hours back here

(mar 5) i dunno anymore. should i turn this posts of mine into a public confession? i mean, no one might read it lol.

(mar 6) lore???

(mar 19) i decided to write something today. a small project, really but due to some trouble i did in school, it inspired me to write it. enjoy.

(apr 6) hello. i'm still alive. anyone alive, still? i stopped the project for now. i'm so burned out.

(apr 12) tasked my friends and fam to give me one word only. and from that one word, i'll have to make a story prompt out of it. enjoy my silly ideas

(apr 13) aight guys. i might make one sentence writing prompts soon.

(apr 17) introducing The Rooftop, a once-planned short story turned into a long series. hope u guys enjoy

(apr 24) hi guys sorry for not posting anything in a while. school's anniversary week and it's absolutely draining now that instead of going home at noon, i now go to school in the evening. i basically live inside the school now

(apr 27) IM BACK! but i'll still be gone in a few days. still have a lot of things to do and too tired to make story prompts.

(may 12) i have to make to make an announcement in may cuz i don't wanna miss a month just in case. also, to make sure i actually did say something interesting: here's my most popular post

(may 22) ok uh im kinda having a slight anxiety attack rn due to drinking three cups of coffee in one sitting

(may 22, pt2) ??? aight, sorry for the past announcement. it was me freaking out. anyway, im fine now and just listening to music to calm myself down. ngl it's getting hot now with three layers of blanket i just put myself in.

(may 26) on may 24 i think... i called, and they hung up.

(may 27) sorry for making the last announcements too personal. anyway, i noticed that i've been reading a lot lately and been getting into different fandoms thanks to this website. might make a blog dedicated to making reviews. dunno

(june2) wassup. birthday and graduate here. and also a fellow pride month celebrator.

(aug 15) woah, been gone for quite a while. anyway, hi.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

well I've had an interesting first week of the year back at work. I managed to get through to my usual doctor this week, which is a bit of a miracle, considering she's always back late jan/early feb each year. she's recommended 3 places for me to ring to follow up on a probable ADHD diagnosis. the best one is one in Sydney, in Bondi.

but to do all of their tests would mean I'd try to jam them into a week, if I could (probs not let's be real), or each time I do one I spend on a hotel room to stay up there, since I just wouldn't feel bothered to the 2 hour drive home after 8 hours of tests. but the Sydney one gives you a brain scan which would be super cool. but also if you managed to get bulk billed, it's $1,200. also they don't focus on meds, they focus on "brain based" and behaviour change stuff.

the other 2 places are local to my area, but you have to ring to find out their prices. but on the other hand, my doc said to leave all this stiff until after I have my colonoscopy that's booked for a couple weeks from now, on the 16th.

work is better since I'm not at a tired low point like I was at the end of last year. my boss is a bit happier that I'm turning up at the office at around 8:50 roughly and set up by 9. but yeah I hate having to cut my pre work bed relax after my bath each morning to 7:15 to get out the door by 8;20. but rn 8:20 is only working bc it's the school holidays so I'm not locked into the mronjng school run traffic and school zones right next to my house (basically). so it means I will have to bother to leave at 8:15 or whatever when school starts back up again on jan 31st.

but yeah. I still haven't handed in any of my unfinished (or unstarted) cadestship assessments; bc I forgot right before we left of chrissy/NY break to ask our outsourced IT guys to set up our VPN access app (it just gives you a code to type in) on my phone to access the work hard drive at home lmao. so I've meant to start this week, but I just haven't.

aside from work, the other interesting thing is that someone from the catholic school I went to for years 7-10 from 2008 til 2011, decided to invite me to a 10 year reunion that someone else from our year group from that school set up on Tuesday on fb for October this year. and I was just so surprised that someone bothered to remember me and invite me.... and I feel kinda touched tbh lol. bc i didn't even graduate with them properly, in a way, in 2013, bc I obvs graduated at the public school that I transferred to. it's so random that someone thought to invite me all these years later.

and I'm also stressing over the event a little. mostly on the level of what to wear to it, obvs lmao. but also, most of these people are successful working in good jobs. or they run their own successful local businesses/take over their parentd businesses.

while, on the other hand. I finish my cadetship in march, and I have no idea whether i'll be kept on where I am or whether I'll be somewhere else or jobless lmao. but anyway. it's going to be so weird seeing anyone from that school again, when half of them have kids and are married now or some have even divorced or split from their partners that they married in our early 20s (or at least that's what I've deduced from their name changes on fb back to their original last name I knew them by in school).

also im bitterly jealous of a few of them because they've bought their first house or have a second house and are using their first as an investment property. like bruh. am I the only one who still hasn't moved out of home yet??? and obvs there are obvs other people renting but still. am i the only one still at home??? I don't want questions about that tbh.

like is it even worth catching up with these people, when I still remember the derision I got from one of the girls from my group from that school, when I ran into her at uni back in 2016??? how she told me that everyone was actually SO GLAD that I'd left bc apparently they were all secretly harbouring embarrassment for my behaviour and my "attention seeking" or whatever the fuck she said to me???? but also part of me hopes that rich boy goes and is happy to see me and I'll get to congratulate him in person on his engagement or perhaps being married by the time this event happens (if it even does lmao). and that's my other thing. could just be an elaborate joke where they do this, and I turn up, but NO ONE is there???? like hello trust issues, aren't you looking very sexy this week.

[br1ghtestlight]

would like to hear objectsonas ramble :DD

tbh i posted that so i could trick my friends into private messaging me but since u asked nicely i will actually talk about them publicly :)

uhh jayden's parents met at a high school party when they were like sixteen and they went to the same high school beforehand (obviously) but never really talked very much. he was the product of a one night stand and when his mom told his dad about him a few weeks later he was like im not going to be a dad im sixteen!!!! and his parents basically offered to make this whole thing disappear and he moved schools and never talked to jayden's mom again (fair enough whatever he was a stupid kid) jayden is named after his father who was also named jayden (just jayden. not jayden junior or jayden the second bcuz he took his moms last name anyway) bcuz his mom wanted to honor that part of him

jayden's mom is like REALLY academically intelligent like a straight A+ student she's very smart and analytical even if she never got a chance to go to college or get a good job bcuz she had kids. he ended up getting a lot of that from her even tho he doesn't use it in the same way..... he is without a doubt the smartest of all my ocs and its not even close

his dad was also pretty smart but more socially intelligent. he was popular and very like uhhh he thought about BIG things like religion in the universe he questioned everything and talked back in class A LOT. he was incredibly manipulative and could easily get people wrapped around his finger and ask anything from them etc like very intelligent but he didnt try as hard in school bcuz he didn't care and he didn't like authority telling him what to do or demanding respect from him without earning it (all of these are traits that jayden also developed he's very similar to his dad but maybe a bit more responsible than him) i have absolutely no doubt that jayden's dad went on to develop a billion dollar business or he ended up running new york city or something bcuz he was just that inherently intelligent + powerful (for better or for worse)

i dont think jayden resents his dad for not being there bcuz honestly He doesnt think about his dad at all like he just doesn't exist in jayden's mind and he goes through life pretty much believing that his mom didnt know much about his dad either (whether or not thats actually true) jayden never once thought "why didnt he love me enough to stay" or "why didnt he reach out" bcuz he's just a very logical and intelligent person. but he also doesn't form connections with other people very easily so its probably true that he COULDN'T feel anything for his dad bcuz of that emotional dissociation. doesn't mean he doesnt make jokes about having an absent father occasionally bcuz he thinks its funny even if he doesnt care

jayden's dad (and mom obvs) did graduate high school but jayden never did. his mom very much pushed him to get a good education and good grades and get a high-paying job and be successful in life bcuz she always wanted the best for her son but jayden is just another type of person. he has such a complex perspective on the world and he is very smart BUT he inherently hates being controlled or being told what to do so school and work were never going to be for him. he'd rather be homeless and living on his own terms than rich but working a stuffy 9-5 job and following someone else's orders (which is fine but it does create a lot of problems for him with attachment to people/things) he got into a lot of fights with his mom bcuz of this and after he dropped out she basically told him to go back to school or he would be kicked out of the house and be left on his own with no support from her (she thought this would be enough to convince him to go back) and he took off and never looked back Which really she should've seen coming knowing jayden and knowing what his dad was like *shrugs*

[comfycozycrossfox]

-

i dont usually particularly care but for the past few days just like. the way that i graduated hs alone has been On Me a little. like i graduated over a semester early by choice and my senior year was purely online and that was the plan. i couldve walked but i didnt actually really know anyone at my particular school so i skipped it. like i knew that was gonna be the outcome its just kind of lame looking back. everyone was either still in school or already graduated and moved away. so there wasnt a big last day party or celebration i just kind of finished the last test probably in the middle of the night. no confetti or anything it was just finished and i moved on and probably went to work that week. idunno i just really thought i wouldnt survive to graduate high school and then i did it and it wasnt a big thing at all. just like, congrats! did it! anyway. ultimately its not a big deal and i know that so its whatever. but still every once in a while im like man. thats kinda lame. i just kind of did it alone. and then it was done. and im kind of expecting the same when i get my AAs bc im transferring anyway. like mostly i really didnt think id live even to graduate highschool. so. now that I'm here. idk

[jaydenundercover11]

Day Fourteen Day Fifteen Day Sixteen

im SOOOOO SORRY that I left you guys hanging those two days! *cries* the first one I genuinely forget, and the second I was too busy to do it- and I think that this is not the first time this might happen, since the farm (oh yeah, if you're not one of my regular followers, you should know I'm a farmhand lol) is picking up steam, during my down time Im trying to do more physical rest for my body to recover. which means unfortuantely, Ive been spending less time on here in general, and that my longer posts that take more time to write have had to pause for a while.

so, I'm sorry to say but this is the last day i'll be able to do this for a while, but maybe forever. I've had so much fun with it and loved to see everybody's different answers, and how we've all connected!! but for at least a few days/weeks, I need a bit of a break lol. if anyone wants to pick up this game again, with the same list of people I've given already or different ones, you are more than welcome to! and I'm not leaving Tumblr, I'm just not going to do this particular ask game anymore.

our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

thank all of you so much! I hope to return again maybe sometime! I wish you all the best :)

I can't believe its ending omg - I've had so much fun with this series and I am so thankful that I ended up joining! Of course take all the break time you need Gracie, no rush from me! Anyways, here's my answer!

I honestly dont know what I wanna do with my life.. the question kinda scares me in a sense because I just dont know what i'd be good at or what i'd enjoy. There are the basic options that I kinda wanna do like being a doctor or scientist or smth like that but its just so complicated and i already pressure myself enough to stay "at the top" of my classes, so having to stay at the top on a harder train of classes seems impossible almost. And its also something that you HAVE to enjoy, because if your not good at it or not focused then that could be really bad.. Then I always have wanted to be an author, but i work so so hard in school trying to keep grades up and things like that to get into a good college - like harvard, but if i be an author then almost none of that matters. I mean yeah you can go to school for that but its not the same as if I was trying to get into harvard law, its just going to college for extra advice and learning you can use in your writing (i think i dont actually know..). And I have recently wanted to become a violinist, but a part of me just hates that idea. Like it scares me being on stage and performing for people (also why im not good at sports in a sense) and i feel like I have to be the best at the violin so its just.. yeah.

BUT, for the sake of this question, we'll say I wanted to become a violinist. First, I still do school but I focus a lot on my orchestra classes. I also sign up for things like chamber or honors orchestra to really step up music game. So i do that, and on the side or over summer I go to private lessons to keep my skills sharp. Then, I graduate and I go to a music school! For example we could say Juliard. I honestly dk what happens after that but I just practice violin a lot, learn new skills, and perform a lot too I guess!

However, some skills that can be used for all potential careers could be things like perseverance, practicing a lot on my skillset, no matter what it is. Also, time management is a huge thing to be able to manage all work and stuff. Mainly just soft skills i guess! (if u you dont know soft skills are just the skills you learn over time at jobs, so things like kindness, compassion, teamwork, etc)

And thats it! thank you so much for these amazing questions and have a great break from them/whatever else! 💕💕

[0v3rachi3v3r]

sometimes i think abt the (ex)friend i had from middle/high school all thru college

(it was intended to be story time but it ended up pretty high key Vent)

tbh i more or less dissociated from my ms/hs years so i didn’t even realise we’d been friends that long

i introduced her to my (then) Good Friend - he and i met bc we were paired in class (alphabetically close last name) and that was it, but we hit it off. he introduced her to his roommate and they had a dnd group or whatever.

fast forward a few years, height of covid, roommate graduated and was dating my friend for a year or two now, they have their apartment and whatever. bc i was kinda stuck in the dorms doing my masters online, they invited me to their apartment until covid was over and/or school was out.

i remember how they had a fight over me staying too long, financial stuff and all, after I stayed for about 2 weeks (“spring break” week included, since that’s when school was out and never came back)

but the other thing i remember was her, reminiscing about “the old days” how we were depressed n all that, how we were always putting aside our own sadness to take care of the other… but how that was over, “we made it,” she said with so much confidence… but i couldn’t be happy because i hadn’t made it, i was still there (mostly bc of my bpd/emotional disregulation which was rly bad bc my then-bf had just broken up with me a month or so prior) but i really just couldn’t feel like “we made it” and i remember feeling like she was doing that to low-key/backhandedly spite me. obvs i knew she wasn’t trying to, so i went along with it with a little “haha yea can you believe it” type thing…

i asked my family to pay for a plane ticket so i could leave so my friends wouldn’t be burdened by me, asked said friends for a ride to the airport. they insisted they won’t take any money bc i already helped with groceries by pitching in $100 or so, but I insisted and paypal’d them ~$200 anyways for letting me stay for so long (after I spent $300 for their dexacom and alcohol wipes that were sold out everywhere)

that summer i was down in the dumps like half my hs posting was in 2013-2015. by this time i’d known that living with family made me feel awful, but I had to bc financially i had no where else to go. due to my moods, i just didn’t have the energy to reply to friend when she learned abt me taking ASL as one of my courses online. she, as a CODA, was interested as well and wanted to help me practice signing. i went 3? weeks without talking to her because i felt like shit. when i finally had the energy to talk to her again, she’d blocked me. and i couldn’t message her back with the “sorry i didn’t get back to you, i was depressed af”

i tried talking to mutual friends - college bestie and his roommate - but nothing from roommate. college “bestie” told me about how i was a self centered brat (did not elaborate) and blocked me as well.

that “friendship decay” thing hit me really hard when it was going around a few days ago bc some people really do have friendship decay. if it was just her then that woulda been fine but she took most of my college friends with her. that, im not fine about.

i know you won’t see but an old mutual may so let me just say:

talk to both sides before you deem someone to be irredeemable and block them bc your friend said so. if $600 in 2 weeks is “selfish” then you don’t have the whole story.

i know it isn’t the case but it really feels like my only friends are from elementary or from my grad school years, and i absolutely hate it.

emotional permanence please don’t fail me

[roving-boi]

Well, should I start this off with dear diary? I guess maybe so

I really love having a physical diary, I have a notebook I didn’t finish, but uh.. I dunno I just thought I should make the switch to having a digital diary. I guess it’s easier to write in.

So, I was just like, let’s make a little blog for myself huh? Tumblr it is I guess. Oh, there’s lots of great posts on here too I can save so that’s also nice. I also can have cute pink text on my entires and posts. So I think this will be a nice home for my thoughts and whatever.

I’m kind of stressed out right now. It’s currently 10 pm as I write this, I’m about to get ready to hit the hay, but tomorrow is Friday. Okay, yay, Friday.. what’s so stressful and scary about Friday? Well, next week is exams.. and that means my deadlines for all my classes are closing in on me. I have a lot of math assignments missing and I got until tues day to get ‘em in. Tomorrow I’m gonna have to squeeze in whatever time I can go get some of it done.

Then.. after exams is Christmas time. Woo.. right? Well that’s also stressful because my dad bought Christmas lights, we haven’t even put ‘em up yet and I’m just dreading the day he’s gonna be like ok let’s go put those up. He always has me do that in the freezing cold and we usually are outside for a few hours. Aside from that, I have no idea what I’m going to get for Christmas. I have the feeling something’s gonna go wrong :( but let’s just hope I make it to the new year. My birthday is in a few months. Im turning the big 18.

I would be graduating school after my birthday.. but I got held back. So I have to endure another year. I just want it to be over. I hate school so much. Id honestly rather work a job. At least I’d get paid for that.

Anyways, im gonna wrap this up. Get some sleep.. maybe update later.. I always have things to talk about haha.

[outofcontexturi]

thurs 10th nov 2022 journal

today was a good day. yesterday was also a good day. mind has been sound. done alot of deep breathing these past couple of days. the benefits of utilising your highs i guess. I went to Mortimer House with Andre yesterday. that place is fucking beautiful. it’s the sort of place i want to be a part of if soho house wont accept me just yet ; but forreal it’s a great start for the lifestyle i want to live. so yeah that was good. really pushed myself on the treadmill yesterday. we did 30 mins. bearing in mind that i havent been to a gym in over two years i think im doing a great fucking job! Also bumped into Arseniy and Charlie in Goodge St and we had a conversation about third year and the fuckeries that take place and the life of a graduating actor. it was quite the convo i needed actually. i think im on the right path. I’d like to think i am. I think many things are a mindset thing for me. If i can’t get my mind behind it I cannot invest in it because mentally i didnt check in. I’ve been consciously doing alot of this work for 3 months now. I feel like a different person and im seeing small results. maybe they’re the results im meant to be seeing now and maybe i should wait and see how good things can get. its 21:33pm and i wanna eat. I might be seeing Alexandra tomorrow. i miss that sexy bitch ugh. I wanna see Geillo too. i can’t believe tomorrow is friday. my body is in pain from yesterday’s session. I took a towel from the place because fuck capitalism and they dont need that shit sorry. petty crimes are okay in my book. anyways karma is a cunt because i lost my fucking cocoa butter cream ( i think i left it at the place). i dont know if i have a lot of energy or if im just tired or if im hungry but i dont feel like having the same food again. i need to get back into my cooking bag cause yeah man i’ve been slacking just wasting money on outside food instead of cooking like the rest of these ppl. Ella is also a cunt for not putting me on a rota this weekend like i didnt fucking message her to put me on the shifts. i need to do some press ups. i need to bulk in three weeks. kinda. idk. i took the train with Camilla today. never done that before. she told me she had to get up at 6:30 in the morning to prep breakfast for her mum (she’s currently going thru chemo) and i honestly felt that. like i know the feeling of putting someone you love before yourself during the early hours of the morning and then acting like things are okay when deep down you want to break but you dont want to break infront of people. i get that. i need to feel sexy again. and truth be told i just want some head from a bad bitch. some head from a bead bitch this week would be GREAT. its 21:53pm. no food in my stomach STILL. i have grapes beside me though but they aren’t cold which sucks but its okay i guess. its better than nothing. im gonna listen to some music and call it a night me thinks. read a few pages of Revolutionary Suicide and then get ready for bed. currently listening to Foreword by Tyler the Creator. i did think about leaving drama school yesterday. like i really entertained the idea that maybe drama school isn’t for me and im still at a crossroads. i really hope that whatever decision i make is the most favourable for me in the long run. time to be somebody. i am somebody. i dont wanna be someone else. i wanna be me. that is all. sign out time: 22:00pm.