#so i pretended to be asleep bc i dont have the energy to deal with that

[discountsoysauce]

Love being nonconfrontational

[not-me-simping-for-blasty]

sum dating pro-hero!bakugou thoughts

- bakugou has an extreme taste for the finer things in life. think nice sweatshirts, soft blankets, good cologne. mans keeps it on the dl, but trust when he goes home he’s wearing silk pjs. it’s his money afterall

- sometimes drops dinner off for u in the middle of his patrol. he thinks ur unaware of how ridiculous a deviation from assigned route ur house is, but u totally kno. u dont tell him tho :)

- doing PR stuff is the bane of his existence. even the thought of an autograph/panel day literally has him throwing a fit. u watch him throw said fit almost constantly.

- loves when u set his uniform out for him. he likes the way it still faintly smells like your lotion when he puts it on the next morning

- the only PR stuff he willingly does is help make PSAs for schools. very much a wooden board when he says his “stay in school, study hard” lines, but by god does he mean it when he says it such a nerd i love him

- a video of him gently petting a cat he saved from a tree goes viral. he swears to you that this is what will finally make him turn to a life of villainy

- very ritualistic ab his day. he gets up at the same time, eats at the same take-out places for his break, calls you at exactly 5:30 PM,,,, villains have to knock him out cold before he’ll deviate from his routine

- bakugou rlly rlly likes when u wait up for him to get home. lies thru his teeth n says he doesnt, but he also sends u an excessive amount of ETA txts hoping u’ll get the hint and be there to greet him

- he gets unreasonably angry at villains who make him late getting home. he’s got a schedule okay!!! n if his dinner needs reheated bc of some extra, jesus christ is it gonna be that villains worst day ever

- has a habit of playing with the wedding band on his finger during interviews. slides it on/off, twists it etc

- constantly watches play-back of his own battles and critiques them mercilessly. if u even try telling him to give himself a break, bakugou will bite ur head off

- incredibly careful when fighting around schools/residential areas. he knows his quirk can be scary/loud and tries to tone down the explosions around small children,,, he can’t remember when he started caring ab that kinda thing, but now he couldn’t imagine not

- rlly grumpy about works trips. usually can’t take u for obvious danger reasons, but u’ll be getting a phone call every night to make up for ur lack of physical presence. of. he lies n says its bc he needs to “vent” ab his mission, but katsuki is entirely see-through when he refuses to talk and only asks ab ur day. falls asleep listening to ur voice,,, n u do it all over again the next night, for his sake pretending u don’t know why he’s calling

- ruthless in his product reviews. PR tries to force him into endorsement deals, but it goes terribly if he doesnt like the product ,,, (he tanked an entire energy drink company once bc he called it “tasteless, embarrassing, empty sugar-water. unfit for even the laziest fuckin’ humming bird)

- only attends galas if u bribe him. btw, the bribe is u promising to wear orange,,,, but he’s not possessive, he’s not, he swears

- surprisingly devoted to his work/life balance. u’d think he’d be a complete workaholic, n for the most part he is, but bakugou actually takes self-care rlly seriously. (“It starts in the body.” said by bakugou in an advert for protein bars. he was so proud bc bby put that line in the script himself. n he lives by those words!!!)

- if he’s ever late coming home, katsuki is def picking up some sort of apology gift,,, its always weird n janky tho. like an ugly, off-brand, shitty figurine of himself or a bouquet of nearly dead flowers (mans has a weird sense of humor what can i say)

- sometimes u’ll go out to your balcony and wave to him as he jets across the sky during patrol. he’s happy it’s dark and you cant see him,, bc if u could, u’d see him grinning like a dork

- spends an entire day off work, w/ u, before going on a rlly dangerous mission. its somber and makes u nervous and sort of breaks ur heart, but the way he looks at u just before he leaves makes it almost worth it

- thinks its hilarious when u send him dating rumor headlines ab himself. was literally in stitches over the one u sent to him supposedly confirming his ‘secret, salacious, relationship with chargebolt” (for reference, the pic was the blurry back of bakugou and denki’s head as they walked into the agency they literally both work at)

[mythiccheroacademia]

Can you please do a fic where kirishima and kaminari turning into babies and reader have to take care of them but kaminari dont like reader for some strange reason and them resolved it🤩 sorry for bad English 😅

A/N: this was such a cute request! the characters as babies just makes my heart 😚🥰😍 I hope y’all enjoy this one! and your english is great btw!

Warnings: cuteness overload? and some cussing bc bakugo’s here. what do you expect?

Kirishima Eijirou: 

when you woke up to bakugo banging on your door, you knew it was going to be a weird day 

bakugo was notrious for being an early bird, but he usually kept that to himself. so why was he screaming outside your door at 6 in the freaking morning?

“y/n! you have ten seconds to open this fucking door before i—“

you swung the door open with the meanest glare you could muster, ready to cuss him out

“what the hell do you want—“

your voice catches in your throat when you see a sleeping black haired child, no older than two, curled up in his arms 

you stare at the baby

then you stare at bakugo

bakugo stares back in confusion

then it clicks

“IT’S NOT MY FUCKING BABY!!” he explodes

“LANGUAGE BAKUGO!”

“STOP FUC--I MEAN FREAKING ASSUMING THINGS”

you didnt get a chance to respond before he shoves the baby in your arms and tells you it’s kirishima who got hit by a quirk during his internship 

the teachers knew and left him with katsuki, but he couldnt take care of him today bc he had to go to his intership, and he didnt trust anyone else with the child

so that’s how you ended up alone with baby kiripima 🥺

you find out very quickly that kirishima was as energetic as ever, even as a baby 

the minute he wakes up, he nearly jumps out of bed and declares to the entire room 

“g’ mornin’!” 

then he glomps you with the biggest hug 

“y/n! we swol too-day!!”

you figured out that he knows who you are but that’s the extent to which he does 

either way, he’s very excited to spend the day with you 

he’s still extroverted even as a kid and loves being around his friends

when you took him around to meet everybody, he just gobbled up the attention. most importantly, he just loved your attention

he such a show off for you omg 

he’ll be “ultra manly” and clean his mess all by himself 

or when you try and help him wash his hands, he’ll stop you with a determined pout and go “i can do it!” and concentrate really hard on scrubbing his hands clean 

when you’d praise him for eating all his food he’d give you the biggest shark-tooth smile and cutely blush from your words

he still kind of stumbled when he walked but whenever he saw something cool, he’d take your hand and basically drag you with him, excitment in his steps 

and when you showed him the gym?

he was in L O V E 🤩

you may or may not have taken a couple pictures when you saw him attempt to lift a five pound weight 

bath time is fun and easy bc he’s too busy pretending to be a shark to really think about the fact that he’s getting clean

when you tell him it’s bed time, he doesn’t wanna sleep at first. but then you make a sad face and he instantly drops what he’s doing and hurriedly says,

“okay! okay! i sleep! see!?”

goes and gets his blanket and curls up in your bed bc he’s the goodest boy and it’s unmanly to make a pretty person sad!

he looks so small and fluffy that you literally wanna bawl your eyes out 

ahhh he’s just the cutest!!

you lie next to him and decide to take a nap too bc it’s been a long day 

before you fall asleep, you feel the small boy nuzzle into your chest and wrap his arms around your neck 

“night night. luh you,” he whispers before he starts to snore 

like 🥺🥺🥺

you could seriosuly die happy 

the next day, you wake up with a heavier arm around your shoulders. it’s so heavy that you can barely move and it confuses you 

when you open your eyes, you see that kirishima has gone back to normal 

and usually you’d be freaking out bc you may or may not have a small crush on him and now that he was normal sized, you were staunchly reminded of it

but when he pulls you in closer to his embrace, you can’t seem to care rn

for now, you’ll just enjoy this moment

Kaminari Denki:

“Y/N!! watch out!”

you were all kinds of confused when kaminari jumped in front of you to protect you from a villain’s quirk and he disappeared

and just when you were about to freak out, you heard small whimpers and cries 

you looked to the ground and saw that kaminari hadnt disappeared

your best friend just turned into a freaking two year old child 

and you dont think he likes you 

at all 

once you two were brought to safety, it was like denki finally took a good look at who was holding him and just

flipped shit 

he gives you a firm (but cute) frown that makes you blink in confusion

then he suddenly pushes his hands against your chest to try and get away 

“no! stop! i wanna go!”

at first, you thought he was scared so you attempted to soothe him but it’s no use

he’s admant on throwing his tiny temper tantrum

although, when recovery girl takes him to go get checked, he instantly calms down and smiles as she tells him how cute he his 

you can’t say you didnt feel your heart break just a little 💔💔💔

but youre determined to win over his affection bc wth? you’re supposed to be best friends! 

(read: you had a crush on older denki and you couldnt handle the fact that these might be his true feelings towards you and he might actually not like you)

so the entire day, you’re doing everything you can to make the kid at least acknowledge you 

right now, it’s the bakusquad that’s collectively taking care of him for the day, but you’re there to help

you try to tell him jokes babies could understand and he’ll just look at you and turn away 

mina told you that food was the best way to a guy’s heart so you made him his favorite (soft) food as a peace offering

and you were absolutely crushed when he stiffened up and refused to eat it until bakugo scared him into eating 

he turns away and you just 💔😞

after that, you sighed and gave up

you sorrowfully accepted the fact that denki just didnt like you :(

at least you now know your chances of being with him was nonexistent

you made up some excuse to leave the room bc you coudlnt take the heartbreak

everyone pretty much bought into it

all except denki who might have been a child, but he was still as perceptive as ever 

unbeknowest to you, denki didnt really dislike you 

the reason he was acting like a jerk was bc you put yourself in danger during the mission and he was so angry about it 

he didnt know how to confront these feelings so he just ignored you 

but when he saw the silver tears line your eyes, he felt so bad 😭

he didn’t know how to emotion™️

pls don’t leave him :(((

the emotions overwhelmed him so much to the point that he bursted out in tears and wasn’t cosoled by anything 

“come on, bro! what’s wrong!?” sero anxiously asked 

“y/n! i want y/n!”

he didnt have to say it twice 

the group basically shove him in your arms and youre confused when denki latches onto you like a life line bc did he just hate you three seconds ago?

despite your saddness, you comfort him by whispering sweet nothings in his ear and denki is instaneously consoled solely by your voice 

the crying takes a lot of energy from him and he can barely keep his eyes open

but before he sleeps, he softly says, “i wa’ scare-d. sowwy y/n”

again, you’re confused, but you were too tired to think about it so you decide to go to bed and deal with this tomorrow

it’s the next day and your face-to-face with a normal kaminari who’s obviously been awake for some time and looks petrified 

now that he’s older, you’re reminded of everything he put you through and you’re salty af about it

“you still hate me?” you sassily say 

denki’s face erupts in an embarrassed blush and youre surprised when he buries his head in your neck, holding you close to his chest 

without looking at you, he explains his true feelings for you in a really round about way

you pull his face back to look at him and as he sputters out apologies to you, you kiss is nose 

“you idiot. i like you too if that’s what you’re trying to say.”

denki stares before short-circuting and you just laugh as he mumbles happily to himself 

[mahouxshoujoxme]

all of them

Tsubaki lore, ya say?

(also I’m using you as her eternal bondmate, even though you aren’t back in the game yet )

Putting it under a read more bc its SO MUCH

abalone: what kind of situations compromise my muse emotionallyTsubaki is generally a bit of a bubbly, optimistic airhead, so not much will dramatically effect her emotionally unless it involves her friends or loved ones being hurt or put in danger.

aegerine: my muse’s opinion of the supernaturalShe pretends to be too “logical” to believe in spirits to cover the fact that she is 100% scared of ghosts

agate: how my muse calms downSince it takes so much to upset her, she rarely needs an outside distraction to calm herself down, but when she needs an escape from the world she will lose herself in her studies, or endlessly pester her bondmate for cuddles~

blue lace agate: my muse’s favorite form of communication (verbal, letters, texting, etc.)Tsubaki always prefers face to face communication above all else, but loves the romance and personality in hand written letters.

fire agate: if my muse is brave or cowardly I certainly wouldn’t call her a coward, but some of her “bravery” could at times be better described as naive optimism.

moss agate: if my muse has a high or low opinion of themselfTsubaki is certainly not one to brag of her own talents, but she knows she is a woman with high worth

amazonite: what kind of situations call for my muse to be dishonestShe would never lie, no matter the circumstance

amethyst: what my muse would most like to be able to shape-shift intosomething small and elegant, like a butterfly

ammolite: how lucky or unlucky my muse isShe’s annoyingly lucky

angel aura quartz: my muse’s opinion of LGBT+ issuesShe just thinks everyone deserves to live happy lives, however they wish to live them.

apache tears: a sadness headcanonNot much makes her terribly sad, but Tsubaki is a big crybaby. Both happy and sad crying happen frequently.

apatite: a headcanon about my muse’s intuitionBecause of her personality, many people assume Tsubaki is not the brightest upon first meeting her. But being a scholar and talented craftswoman, she has wonderful intuition. Whether she tends to follow that intuition, or ignore it for something more exciting is another story entirely, however.

aquamarine: where my muse feels most calm/relaxedin either her study or her workshop, surrounded by books and gadgets

biotite: the biggest problems my muse is currently dealing withWell her comrades being incapacitated and this strange voice are certainly not things she enjoys.

bloodstone: how my muse sees themself as part of the world at largeEveryone has a place, no matter how large or small. And Tsubaki is happy to have her place as a craftswoman helping her fellow adventurers on their quests.

calcite: my muse’s social tendencies (introverted vs extroverted, parties vs one-on-one conversations, etc.)Tsubaki is very outgoing and tends to try to spark conversation with everyone she meets. She wants to hear every tale every adventurer has to tell, and is always eager to swap tips and techniques with fellow craftsmen. However she tends to get a bit over excited and can be a bit much for the average stranger on the street.

carnelian: an art-related headcanonAs a practiced and proud craftswoman, Tsubaki can create masterpieces of jewelry, weaponry, armor, along with many types of decorative trinkets and statues. She can cook you any meal you could dream of, and leave your mouth watering for more, as well as brew you the purest, strongest potions an adventurer could need.

As far as the realm of visual arts such as painting and drawing, you would think she had never picked up a pencil in her life. That, however, does not stop her from trying.

celestite: how my muse deals with anxietyBy losing herself in her studies or her craft

chalcopyrite: how my muse deals with ending relationshipsHaving mostly dedicated herself to her studies and her work, Tsubaki had never taken the time to form deep romantic bonds with others, and therefore does not have much experience with ending a deeper relationship. She had plenty of friends and acquaintances from her travels, but had not developed an emotional bond of the sort until she met one certain unseasoned miqo'te gladiator, whom she bonded with through her mentor-ship and their journey together.

charoite: who my muse looks up toshe looks up to everyone, she’s pretty short (ba dum tss)

chrysocolla: a money-making headcanonBeing a master of her crafts, Tsubaki could easily bring in as much gil as she could need. She would rather, however, spend her time creating tools and gear to help out her fellow adventurers and will accept no coin for most of her work.

copper: how I think my muse will end up when they’re olderAs a scholar who wishes to learn all of the secrets of her great world, Tsubaki does not see herself ending her life as an adventurer any time in the near future. Traveling together with her love until the end is the only life she can see for herself.

coral: how my muse views the natural worldTsubaki loves the natural world, and is very thankful for all the materials and tools Eorzea can naturally provide for her. She is always very respectful of the enviornment around her, and only takes exactly what is necessary for her work.

diamond: a sex headcanonTsubaki views physical intimacy as a deep bond, only to be shared with the one most important to her. She prefers long, slow love making to quicker, rougher experiences.

dolomite: a sleep headcanonThough her bondmate could curl up on the bed asleep all day, Tsubaki would refuse sleep entirely if she could. Araragi often has to carry a sleeping Tsubaki to bed from her study deep into the night.

emerald: how my muse tells someone they love them without wordsTsubaki tends to show her love through her craft, leaving small treats and trinkets about for her love to find and take with him on his journeys.

fluorite: what my muse’s room looks likeHer room is full, every surface buried under piles of books and research materials or crafting tools. Though the room is crowded, everything seems to have its own place, and moving anything will earn you a stern talking to about her “system” and how you can’t throw her area out of balance.

fossil: what my muse’s dream job isTraveling all through Eorzea to learn all the world has to offer, doing odd jobs and creating tools and goods for those she meets to pay her way.

galena: what it’s like to be in a relationship with my museTsubaki loves deeply and intensely, taking every chance she can to dote upon her beloved. She isn’t shy to show off her relationship in public and showers her love in special, one of a kind, hand-made items to help him on his quests.

garnet: what my muse’s perfect partner would beAs it would take time away from her studies, Tsubaki was never much interested in romantic relationships, until she met certain miqo'te gladiator. Goofy and a bit unseasoned of an adventurer, she took it upon herself to mentor him through his journey. Along the way she found herself falling deeply in love with him, his happy demeanor a perfect match with hers.

gold: my muse’s financial situationNever wanting for anything because of the value of her craft, she never saw a point to accruing finances in the form of excess coin.

hematite: how squeamish my muse isGenerally her want to learn and her curiosity overtake any squeamish tendencies

iddenite: how much of an “inner child” my muse hasbasically, she baby

iolite: my muse’s drinking habitsTsubaki does not prefer alcohol, but would not necessarily turn a drink down. She is, however, a major lightweight.

jade: if my muse would ever cheat on a partnerabsolutely not.

jasper: what my muse would be like as a parentAs she wants to spend her life traveling, Tsubaki never had a want for Children. If she were to ever have them though, she would love them just as deeply and intensely as she does her bondmate, making sure they were always cared for and never wanting for anything.

kyanite: an anger headcanonNothing can make Tsubaki truly mad beyond her loved ones being hurt. However if you are the one to cause her loved ones pain, you will face her endless rage.

lapis lazuli: where ‘home’ is to my museAs a traveling adventurer, she does not have a true place to call home. She does, however always make it a point to return to the restaurant and guild hall her free company calls their headquarters.

lodestone: what kind of people gravitate towards my museBecause of her outspoken and bubbly demeanor, Tsubaki tends to draw people in of all types.

malachite: what my muse as a child thought they would be when they grew upGrowing up on the Steppe, Tsubaki always dreamed of leaving to see what the would outside had to offer.

mica: what my muse views as their worst personality traitTsubaki is always worried she is not strong enough to protect the ones she loves, always studying as hard as she can to further strengthen her healing magics

moonstone: my muse’s opinions on outer spaceIf she can study something about it, she is interested in it

mother of pearl: if my muse tends to lift people up or bring them downAlways an optimist, trying to bring the best of those around her, she will always try to lift up those around her

nebula stone: how good my muse’s memory isTsubaki has a near photographic memory, which helps in her studies greatly.

obsidian: which of the seven deadly sins my muse would behonestly my bab is so pure i dont have an answer to this

opal: how creative my muse isTsubaki is overflowing with creative energy, spending every free moment not devoted to her studies tinkering with some new creation.

pearl: a mental health headcanonTsubaki knows that keeping good mental health is essential to maintaining her studies, and thus makes sure to take plenty of time to ensure she is always treats her mental health well.

petalite: what my muse would do if they found a wallet on the streetTsubaki would absolutely search endlessly until she found the owner.

pyrite: a physical health headcanonIn order to continue her travels, Tsubaki keeps herself in top shape.

quartz: how my muse thinks other people see themTsubaki never much cared what others think of her, but she thinks in general people view her in a positive light.

rhodonite: if my muse prefers elegance or convenienceKnowing that long travels sometimes require more convenience than elegance, but also being a craftswoman who has an appreciative eye for elegance, Tsubaki tries to use her own skills and knowledge to create new gear that combine the two as best as possible.

rubellite: if my muse has any 'triggers’ that inspire painful memoriesNot really, Tsubaki is probably the only character I’ve ever written that doesn’t have a tragic uwu backstory

ruby: a happiness headcanonHappiness for Tsubaki lies in being surrounded by those she loves, and being free to roam and journey as she pleases

sapphire: if everyone my muse knew was hanging off a cliff and they could only choose three to save, the rest certainly dying, who they would chooseShe would absolutely never chose anyone’s life over another’s. Tsubaki would fight endlessly to find a way to save everyone, even if she would lose her own life in the process

serpentine: how my muse would seduce anotherTsubaki has never been one for romance or physical relationships, she she is very inexperienced. Intimate encounters with her bondmate tend to be very clumsy and innocent.

silver: if my muse prefers masculinity or femininityTsubaki is extremely feminine.

tsavorite: if my muse believes in destiny or fateTsubaki believes that everyone has the power to create their own future. Giving in to ideas like being stuck to one future or destiny is just someone giving up or not having the strength to fight for what they truly want, and she will do everything in her power to empower those around her to chase the futures they each truly want.

ulexite: how empathetic/sympathetic/compassionate my muse isENTIRELY. If anyone around Tsubaki is hurting or having troubles, she will absolutely take that pain onto herself and do anything in her power, endlessly to help them. Oftentimes to her own disadvantage.

unakite: what my muse’s ideal pet would beanything fluffy that will let her snuggle it and would have no problems being on the road for long periods of time.

verdite: my muse’s ethnicity/family historyTsubaki is a Raen Au Ra, though she could never stand for the secluded life of those she descended from

zebra stone: what gets my muse excitedliterally everything

zoisite: does my muse believe everything’s going to work out for them in the end or not?As long as she draws breath, she has an opportunity so solve any problem she faces.

[f-ro-g]

i am so deeply unhappy and unwilling to do anything about it. like i know i should. and it’s not even a matter of if i had the time or the energy or the health or the money, i just genuinely don’t have the will to get better. i don’t see an end to this depression cycle so there’s no point in working towards an impossible goal. like i genuinely just wanna drop dead every day. i don’t want to do this anymore. i’m not suicidal but like i don’t wanna be alive anymore lmao

and i dont wanna create anymore because nothing looks the way it should or it does in my head. so what’s the point. i just sont enjoy any of the things i like to do. lije i’m aware i’m spiraling into an depressive episode but i’m so tired of it. i’m gonna be dealing with this shit for the rest of my life and i just. don’t want to anymore.

and it sucks because around everyone else i’m just supposed to be fine and i take shit out on the people i love. and i pretend to be fine around everyone else bc i can’t fuckin tell them anything because everyone has their own problems and no one needs mine. and i’m useless to solving those anyway, and i can’t even do simple fucking things like laundry. im just tired. i’m just tired. i wanna fall asleep and never wake up

[phandomsecretvalentines]

Tell Me Everything Will Be Alright

This is my fic (and my first phanfic wow) for the 2018 Phandom Secret Valentines, and my valentine is @citrouillephan!

I hope you enjoy!   -from your valentine, @realityfallsapart

tags: fluff, angst, 2009 AU

words: 4.7k

Summary: Dan Howell tends to get lost in his head and his thoughts have a habit of ruling him even when he doesn’t want them to. When he and his best friend finally have a chance at meeting, Dan starts to wonder if he is actually good enough for the amazing human being that is Phil Lester.

(ao3 link)

(Thank you so much to @moonbeamphan for reading this over and helping me! This wouldn’t be as good without you!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dan typed his answer and sent it by hitting enter before leaning back in his chair and letting out a shaky breath that seemed to rattle his insides. His laptop chirped quietly, announcing that Phil had replied to him. He couldn’t bring himself to look at it right away. Finally, after a few moments, he flicked his eyes down to the white screen of the computer in his lap where Phil’s most recent message seemed to glare up at him.

  Phil :) (9:47 PM)

i know!

i can’t believe it either!

For a few moment, Dan could do nothing but stare at the screen; at the black words disrupting the artificial white light. It was the only thing that gave Dan any sort of illumination in his room; everything else was dark. He bit his lip and thought about the possible pros and cons of shutting his laptop and burying his head under his duvet to pretend that everything was fine because it was. It’s all fine.

Dan shook his head and reached his hands down to the keyboard. He wouldn't—couldn’t—do that to Phil. Phil deserved so much better than that. His numb fingers typed out a small sentence, only realizing that it had several typos until after he had sent it. He mentally kicked himself for it.

  Dan ^-^ (9:51 PM)

Me niether! it seems like thsi would n e v e r happen!

**neither, this

Jeez i can spell

Phil :) (9:51 PM)

idk dan are you sure you can def spell? those seem like some pretty beginner mistakes…

  Dan knew Phil was kidding. He knew that it was just Phil playing around with Dan like they normally did. Like they had been doing for months at this point. But in Dan’s heightened state of anxiety and stress, he couldn’t help but berate himself further. God, Phil must think of him as a kid now, he can’t even spell right!

Dan crashed back into his mattress, groaning and squeezing his eyes shut.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid….” he muttered, hitting his forehead with his hand with every word.

Looking back on this moment, Dan would laugh and realize how utterly idiotic his anger with himself was coming from, but right now, in bed with the lights off and by himself, he couldn’t help but magnify the issue. He had been anxious and stressed without a pause this entire week.

He looked up at his ceiling, sighing in growing frustration towards himself, but it wasn’t just because of his inability to catch his typos. In fact, it had nothing to do with them. The typos had just tipped him right over the edge and all of his insecurities crashed over him like waves, his head nearly going under the tide.

To say he wasn’t good enough was an understatement. To say that Phil deserved a much better best friend than Dan was even more of one. Phil was older, more experienced, more mature, funny, smart, kind, and extremely compassionate. He had a great time making pretty successful and entertaining videos (at least in Dan’s opinion, and he would always fight anyone who said otherwise) on the side, on top of balancing life. Dan was younger, so much more less experienced with everything, he got overwhelmed with life and spent the majority of his time curled up under his covers surfing through the waves of his latest existential crisis or playing PC video games that he would forget about within the next 24 hours. He was purgatory in the form of a human and an incredibly underwhelming one at that.

He wasn’t sure how long exactly he laid there, stewing in his self-deprecation and wishing that he was better. Better in literally every aspect, maybe then he would finally be worth Phil’s time, if only a little bit. His computer chirped again, and then twice more minutes later in rapid succession, as if angry. Dan grasped for the thing, pulling it up to his chest, lacking the energy to sit back up.

  Phil :) (10:07 PM)

Dan you know im joking right?

Phil :) (10:16 PM)

Dan? you still there? i was joking i promise you can make all the typos you want

u didnt fall asleep did you?

  Dan couldn’t help the watery smile that turned the corners of his mouth up, albeit it being a small one. Phil had that effect on him even if Dan was falling apart on the inside. Just a little though, he was fine.

  Dan ^-^ (10:18 PM)

nooo im not sleeping

Phil :) (10:18 PM)

:(

Dan ^-^ (10:19 PM)

why the frowny face

Dan tried to keep the fear out of his thoughts but the talons of doubt had already settled around his heart. Was Phil mad that he didn’t answer right away? Would-

His laptop signaled the arrival of Phil’s reply, and Dan really didn’t know if he wanted to slam the lid of his computer shut or jump at the opportunity to find out if he had just ruined the best friendship he had ever had. Ever will. He went for the latter.

(Dan supposed he might be overreacting, but then again, when wasn’t he, it seemed?)

  Phil :) (10:20 PM)

did i insult your typing skills one too many times? is that why you disapeared?

*disappeared

Dan used the best coping mechanisms for dealing with his anxiety that he knew: humor and avoidance. Together, they were a formidable force and Dan had spent a large majority of his time perfecting their potency.

  Dan ^-^ (10:20 PM)

now look who’s making the typos

Phil :) (10:20 PM)

Dan.

  He gulped. Now he had done it. Fuck. He had to fix this.

Dan ignored the roar behind his ears that seemed to be screaming that he should just ignore this all, pray that things would magically fix themselves and change the topic. That was his fear talking. His self-abandonment. His anxiety. His everything. Phil was worth so much more. So Dan pushed it all away for just long enough to reply.

  Dan ^-^ (10:21 PM)

sorry, joke

no, thats not why i ran away

i was just thinking, thats all

Phil :) (10:21 PM)

were you doing it again

  Dan tried to pretend that he didn’t know what Phil was talking about and simultaneously cursed himself for telling Phil about his increasing habit for getting lost in his thoughts. He failed. He knew exactly what Phil was talking about.

Back, about three weeks ago in a later-than-normal conversation where all of their inhibitions seemed to dissipate, Dan had finally come clean about how sometimes thoughts got the best of him. He would crumble under them, get so completely and utterly lost in his head that he would sometimes stay there for hours on end, picking apart anything that his conscience decided to dig up. And it hindered Dan, made him hate himself just that much more, made him hate how easily his anxieties held him hostage, stuck. But he couldn’t do much about it, it seemed, for whenever he got lost in his head, he always forgot that he had to get out.

Dan gulped. He had to lie his way out of this. He knew that Phil didn’t like it when Dan got stuck. He could pull off nonchalance, right?

  Dan ^-^ (10:22 PM)

no

Phil :) (10:22 PM)

im not convinced

you were werent you

Dan ^-^ (10:23 PM)

does my word not count for anything lol

Phil :) (10:24 PM)

maybe if we were talking and i could see your face it’d count

Dan ^-^ (10:24 PM)

what’s my face got to do with anything?

Phil’s bubble appeared on the screen once, twice, three times, before he apparently decided on what he was going to say and sent it. The entire time Dan was a few words away from having a breakdown. His hands were shaking. His mind was racing faster than normal. Faster than it had in what seemed like a very long time.

  Phil :) (10:26 PM)

bc then i could tell if you were lying

tho rn i dont even need that

Dan ^-^ (10:26 PM)

are u seriously saying im lying

Phil :) (10:27 PM)

yeah

you did everything that you always do when you arent telling the truth

you joked

changed / focused the conversation onto smth else

and besides

ive gathered that you really dont like to talk about the things that bother you. you like to ignore them and stuff

Dan ^-^ (10:28 PM)

so how bout we not talk about them then

Phil :) (10:29 PM)

normally, maybe

but not with this

Dan ^-^ (10:29 PM)

and why not?

Phil :) (10:29 PM)

bc i dont like it when you beat yourself up in your head

Dan ^-^ (10:30 PM)

who said i was beating myself up in my head

Phil :) (10:30 PM)

… dan :/

youre avoiding again

Dan cursed himself. God, since when could Phil read him like a book?

  Dan ^-^ (10:32 PM)

fine. maybe i am

what are you gonna do about it philly?

Phil :) (10:32 PM)

daaaaannnnnn

you arent allowed to beat yourself up

no ones allowed to

especially you!

  Dan giggled, just a little. He couldn’t help it when Phil was being…well, Phil.

  Dan ^-^ (10:33 PM)

and why not? Hmm?

Phil :) (10:34 PM)

bc youre my favorite person silly

my favorite person cant be sad. its just the rules

Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)

oh yeah? whose rules then, oh wise philip

Phil :) (10:35 PM)

ew dont call me philip my nan calls me that

and theyre my rules

my rules for my favorite person

Dan ^-^ (10:35 PM)

suuurrreee phil. sure its a rule

*philip

Phil’s cursor didn’t appear seconds after Dan had sent his message like usual. Insead, nothing appeared. Their good-natured banter had eased the storm raging inside of Dan and his thoughts and anxieties had died down a little, much more easier to bear with the distraction Phil was giving him, but with the sudden disappearance of his best friend, they came back full force. All of his doubts spilled into the front of his conscience. He shivered. It wasn’t from the cold.

Dan watched the little digital clock at the bottom of his laptop screen count the minutes falling away. One, two, three, four, five, god did what did he do-

  Phil :) (10:41 PM)

[multimedia image: click to load]

With his heart in his throat, Dan clicked, and a small window appeared, momentarily covering their chat from Dan’s view. It was hard to make out, the quality bad and the image itself grainy and dark, but it was of a piece of paper lying atop two legs clad in bright pyjamas that Dan could immediately connect to Phil and his eccentric personality. He could make out the tip of Phil’s finger at the top of the shot, too. Squinting, he looked at the paper itself, zooming in to make out the words penned in Phil’s handwriting.

  Rules:

1. Dan Howell is my favorite person

2. No one is allowed to make fun of him

3. ESPECIALLY if that “no one” is Dan himself

Dan started to laugh. Only Phil would actually make a list of “rules”. Only Phil.

Before Dan could reply, Phil was typing again.

  Phil :) (10:43 PM)

there. proper rules written on proper paper. you have to follow them now

Dan ^-^ (10:44 PM)

i cant believe that you actually wrote rules you spork

but fine! i guess if i have to lol

Dan was still working heavily with avoiding the whole situation entirely, just like with what he was doing to the problem causing him so much stress to begin with, but he couldn’t help it. It’s just how he was.

  Phil :) (10:46 PM)

so you admit to your crimes xD

but anyways

you were stuck in your head again

which is okay, i mean, i understand that it’s something you cant help

Dan felt like he was going to cry. Phil’s assurance that Dan’s mind running in panicked circles was perfectly okay was almost too much. Phil’s compassion was almost too much.

But it appeared that Phil wasn’t done, because his laptop dinged quietly again.

  Phil :) (10:47 PM)

can i ask whats got you so sad and worried

so i can beat it up

obvs

  Now Dan really wanted to cry. How could he tell Phil that the reason was him? How could he say that the root of this ball of anxiety and stress and worrying that had taken over him was Phil himself?

He couldn’t do that to Phil, not when his best friend would undoubtedly take it hard. God, if Phil knew why Dan kept getting lost in himself, he would be crushed.

  Dan ^-^ (10:51 PM)

noooo

Phil :) (10:51 PM)

are you sure? i wont judge you dan, i swear it doesnt matter if you think i wont like it

i just wanna be here for you

If Dan wasn’t crying earlier, he was now, a few select tears dripping down his cheeks, brimming with the emotions that had been taking over him this past week. Phil was…too much. He was too kind, too sweet, too undeserving of someone like Dan. God, Phil deserved the whole world, he shouldn’t have to settle with Dan.

Another message appeared on Dan’s screen, as but this one didn’t seem like normal, it was a little off, a little rushed, a little…something. Dan couldn’t place it.

  Phil :) (10:53 PM)

bc youre my best friend.

obvs. xD

If Dan wasn’t so out of it and was able to think clearly, he might have questioned Phil’s “clarification” of why and what sense he wanted to be there for him, but Dan was not in the best state of mind and he thought nothing of it.

Dan looked at his screen again. He still had to acknowledge Phil’s question, and he wasn’t sure how to go about it. He wanted to tell Phil he already told him everything, have Phil reassure him and tell him that everything was going to be okay again, like he normally did. But Dan couldn’t. He couldn’t lie again, once was already once too many, and something told Dan that if he tried to ignore it or change the topic, Phil would just call him out again.

Fuck.

  Dan ^-^ (10:56 PM)

it doesnt matter

Phil :) (10:56 PM)

yes it does

its enough to make you get lost in that head of yours, so it matters

Dan ^-^ (10:57 PM)

phil we both know it doesnt take much for me to get lost in my thoughts

Phil :) (10:58 PM)

still

something is bothering you and i want to fix it

Dan bit his lip. God, Phil had no idea how badly he wanted to let him fix this. He couldn’t though. He just couldn’t.

  Dan ^-^ (10:58 PM)

nooo phil, you cant fix this one

Phil :) (10:58 PM)

>:(

you cant even let me try?

  Always, always, but just not with this. Dan couldn’t tell Phil this, not when it would hurt him.

  Dan ^-^ (11:00 PM)

no phil, not with this sorry :(

Phil :) (11:01 PM)

:((((

okay

i may not like it but i can respect that

will you tell me tomorrow?

Dan looked at the screen, thinking about it. Tomorrow was what he was worried about to begin with. Could he tell Phil tomorrow? He wasn’t sure. Well, it didn’t matter if things went good or not, Dan mused, tomorrow Dan’s fears would either be affirmed or destroyed.

He could only hope.

  Dan ^-^ (11:03 PM)

sure

tomorrow

Phil :) (11:03 PM)

yay!!!

  Dan laughed, breathily.

  Phil :) (11:03 PM)

oooh! look at the time!

its getting so late bear wow

guess we should get to sleep so we dont fall asleep on each other tomorrow huh? xD

  Dan’s heart physically melted at the use of Phil’s pet name for him. He only used it occasionally, but it never failed to make Dan’s heart stutter in his chest and the butterflies in his belly to flit around faster, making him feel almost giddy. Hopeful.

God he sounded so stupid right now. Anxious and stressed out of his mind yet still acting like a little kid with their first crush.

Stupid feelings.

  Dan ^-^ (11:05 PM)

yeah i guess we should!

night philly :)

Phil :) (11:05 PM)

goodnight dan!! :D

see you tomorrow!

(ps, idk whats bothering you and thats okay but i hope whatever it is it works out for you :“)  )

Ah yes. That’s what it boiled down to. Tomorrow morning Dan would board a train and take it up to Manchester to spend some time with Phil. The first time that they would see each other in real life, not just behind a computer screen. They had skyped before and texted and chatted for countless hours over countless days, but the thought of tomorrow still made Dan want to throw up.

He wasn’t good enough for Phil. He was just so terrified that tomorrow Phil would see that.

  Dan ^-^ (11:06 PM)

:)

  After hitting send Dan thrust the lid to his laptop down and pushed it off of his chest, letting it fall onto the bed. Dan felt sick again. He was so scared about tomorrow because there were so many things that could go wrong and so many flaws that Phil could discover about Dan and so many, so many, ways for what is supposed to be the best day of Dan’s life to turn out to be his worst.

God, he hated his anxiety for always picking things apart. Always fucking with Dan’s own head.

Dan rolled over and grabbed his duvet, pulling it up and wishing that it would just swallow him whole. Fuck. He couldn’t do it tomorrow. He couldn’t handle this stress.

Taking a deep breath, Dan clutched his duvet tighter in his grasp and tried to keep his lip from wobbling.

Right now he just wanted to sleep. He wanted to forget that he didn’t feel good enough, that yet again his insecurities were screwing him over, that he wanted to cry. He wanted to forget. Unfortunately for Dan the universe didn’t agree and he ended up staying awake for hours after the he had closed his laptop, the entire time doing nothing but thinking, getting lost in his head, and wishing that his thoughts would just turn off.

For once.

Please.

~~~~~~

Dan slung his bag over his shoulder. His fingers felt numb. Unlike his greatest hopes, the fitful-at-best night’s sleep did nothing to alleviate Dan’s terror. If anything, it had only magnified it because now it was today and Dan couldn’t run anymore.

He took a cab to the station, and he ended up being earlier than he needed to be, having about an extra ten minutes to wait for his train. He sat on a bench, his legs nothing but jelly at this point, his fears making it quite easy to foresee his long legs from just giving out on him. Dan didn’t want to make an embarrassment of himself on top of it all, so he tried to calm his racing heart while he sat.

With no luck.

Of course.

Dan looked down at the ticket in his hand. It would be so easy to not go. To walk right out of the station, spend the weekend at home instead of with Phil, and not risk Phil seeing how utterly underwhelming Dan was as a person. He could lie, could say that he ran late, missed his train, maybe his parents changed their minds and didn’t let Dan go.

But God, as Dan looked down at the paper in his trembling hand, he couldn’t help but know that he wouldn’t be able to actually go through with not leaving. He wouldn’t be able to lie to Phil, not about something this big—who was he kidding, he had a hard enough time lying to Phil last night over something so small!

But more than that, Dan knew that it was much more than not being able to lie to Phil. He had wanted to meet Phil ever since he had started to watch his videos, and the sentiment had only increased tenfold with their fast friendship. Phil was now much more than a hero, much more than a few minutes of distraction. He was Phil, Dan’s AmazingPhil, and he was his best friend. That lanky black-haired boy was worth so so much in Dan’s eyes, and he couldn’t, couldn’t, leave him in the dust like that. God it wouldn’t just kill Phil, but it would kill Dan too. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

Dan had been thinking too hard. Before he knew it the train was pulling into the station and Dan gulped, raising on still-shaky legs and gripping the strap of his bag so hard he didn’t even have to look to know that his knuckles were blotched white.

As Dan took his seat, a new resolve washed over him. He would go. He would endure this train ride that undoubtedly would be the most anxiety-inducing thing he had done in a very long time—possibly ever—and he would do it for Phil. If Phil would reject him or not, he would try not to dwell on it on the coming trip (a losing battle, Dan knew), but he would still go.

For Phil.

~~~~~

Dan’s heart was going so fast he was sure that he was going to pass out. His hands, his arms, legs, his whole body was trembling.

Manchester’s Piccadilly Station.

Dan was here.

There was a decent amount of people on the station as far as Dan could see as the train pulled in, but none of them looked like his best friend.

The train came to a stop and Dan stood, the first to make it to the doors and there when they opened.

Strangely enough, when the doors pulled open and Dan took a step out into the station, he stopped trembling. His heart slowed—not by much, but it slowed—and this whole thing didn’t seem quite as scary. Sure, Dan’s thoughts were still screaming in his head, sure, his anxiety was still off the charts, and sure, his hands were still sweaty and his breath was still shallow but still. It was as if a calm had washed over him.

Dan wasn’t sure what to make of it. Maybe he was just going into shock.

People busied around him, walking this way and that, talking into cell phones, to other people, some silent. Dan, unsure of everything right now, followed where the general push of people were guiding him, the whole time craning his head, looking for his Phil. He tried not to panic. He tried.

But with every second the calm that had overtook him was shrinking and his anxiety steadily increased.

Did Phil forget? Did he stand me up? Oh God he’s not coming he didn’t come-

"Dan!”

Dan whirled around at the sound of his name, uttered by a voice that sounded so much better when it wasn’t distorted by their shitty computer’s speakers.

Before Dan could register really anything, he was being engulfed in a hug, two strong arms wrapping themselves around Dan’s shoulders, pulling him flush against the figure.

Against Phil.

And instantly all of the shouting in Dan’s head was gone. The slight tremble in his hands vanished, and for the first time in a week, his anxiety was gone without a trace. Dan felt like crying.

Dan gasped in surprise, his brain taking a moment to reboot because Phil didn’t forget, didn’t stand him up, didn’t change his mind, and suddenly Dan felt very, very stupid because how could he ever think that Phil would do something like that. This was Phil, the kindest person on the planet.

Phil pulled away, just a little, just enough so they could see each other’s faces, and Dan had to keep himself from pulling Phil back in.

His smile was so wide, easily the widest Dan had ever seen it. And his eyes, oh God those eyes were a thousand times clearer, a thousand times more mesmerizing than behind a screen. Dan didn’t doubt for a second that he could stand here and look into them for the rest of the day without tiring of their never-ending beauty. Fuck. Why did his eyes have to be so gorgeous.

Dan tore his eyes away from Phil’s and looked over the rest of him, from his broad shoulders that Dan wanted to wrap his arms around, to the tussle of his hair that Dan craved to run his fingers through and the line of his jaw that Dan felt the need to trace. Double fuck. Why did the entirety of Phil have to be gorgeous.

“Dan! I can’t believe you’re here! I have today all planned out; I’m going to show you everything!” Phil said excitedly, a twinkle as clear as day in his eyes. Phil was practically vibrating with excitement and it made a smile spread over Dan’s features. Phil’s happiness was contagious.

Phil stopped his rambling, looking down at Dan sheepishly.

“I mean, if that’s all okay with you. If you don’t want to do something that’s okay, I totally get it. We can do anything you want, I-”

Dan tilted his head back and laughed, laughed because Phil seemed nervous. Phil was nervous and it was adorable.

“Yeah, yeah Phil it’s all fine. All of it, don’t worry. I just can’t believe you want to do it all with me.”

Phil’s smile faded a little, and the twinkle in his eye got that much smaller. He looked a little sad.

“Was this what you were so worried about? That I wouldn’t like you?”

Dan bit his lip and looked down, giving a little nod.

Phil pulled Dan right back into a hug, but this time it felt even more real, and it was impossibly tighter. It felt like Phil was pulling all of Dan’s lost pieces together. Phil’s voice was in his ear.

“Of course I like you, Dan. You’re my best friend. I like you more than anyone else. Promise.”

Dan might have just felt like crying, in that moment. Phil accepted him. He wasn’t going to leave him. Things were okay. They were okay.

He knew that this would hit him later, maybe tonight when he had a chance to process things. He’d probably cry out of relief, but it would all be okay because Phil would be there to hold him together and ease all of Dan’s worries.

Soon enough they set off, hand in hand, and Dan was smiling so wide, so, so wide. He couldn’t have been happier with how things had turned out.

Dan looked sideways at Phil, trying to not be too obvious.

This had worked out so maybe, just maybe, something else could work out for him.

~~~~~

Dan stood at the window, a cup of coffee in his hand. It was early, and he could see the technicolor dream across the sky that was that morning’s sunrise. The steam from his coffee rose from the rim of the cup and slowly diffused into nothing; tendril-like hands wisped up and around Dan’s neck.

It had been nearly nine years.

Dan’s nervousness and dark thoughts never ceased to plague him, however, he learned to deal with it better. He could confidently say that he has never been happier.

It had been nearly nine years, and they were still inseparable. Their channels had grown exponentially, and they boasted an insanely large fan community.

As the years had gone by, their strong, unbreakable friendship slowly blossomed into something remarkably beautiful. Their long Skype calls turned into late night kisses, and they had been happily in love for nearly nine years.

Dan twisted the ring on his third finger. As well as being happily in love, they were also engaged to be married within the next year. Lately, he’d been waking up in complete disbelief.

The thing Dan had wanted so desperately to work out for him did, and in the most perfectly perfect way possible.