#what's interesting is that I kinda started to write this to cope with the pandemics when it started

[polarisbibliotheque]

Survivor's Blood (Leon x Reader) - Chapter 1

Survivor's Blood

Pairing: Leon x Reader

Summary: After Raccoon City, Leon became the only Government agent with that kind of expertise. With relentless training, he was now a Special Agent - again, on his first day in the job. He just didn't expect to live Raccoon City all over again... Maybe Leon was fated to always have the worst first-days-at-work ever.

Age Restriction: 18+. It's horror - so expect a LOT of blood, corpses, dismemberments, very graphic descriptions of violence, dubious morals and people doing everything to survive. Nothing we haven't seen on RE, but reader discretion advised.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Ok. Long story short, Leon has PTSD. He'll be trying to deal with that while again living very violent and traumatizing experiences. The reader is also damaged by the whole situation - again, expect PTSD, anxiety attacks, doom and gloom, all that stuff. I'll leave warnings every chapter there is something very explicit and potentially triggering, though.

Author's Notes: RE4 remake is among us! Bet you guys didn't see this coming - I didn't either. I have 50+ pages of this sitting on my pc since before I started this blog. I was writing it in Portuguese just to indulge me, but with all the RE4 thing, I'm quite hyped for it - and it came in a good time, I'm in need of keeping my head distracted. Like Nemesis, I'll try to update this one weekly. The good side, it's already halfway written, so I'll only have to work on translating to post - with Nemesis, I actually have to write it.

This one is between RE2 and RE4 - I wanted to explore the innocent little rookie cop Leon becoming badass goofy special agent Leon, so this is kinda it. Almost like a character study that capcom never does <3

Fret not, I do finish my works in progress ;)

Also very proud of this header as well

Chapter 1

Leon dreamt almost every day with the horrors he had lived in Raccoon City.

To wake up before the sun painted the sky in golden tones, with his hair plastered on his face from the sweat, already grabbing a gun he got in the habit of leaving by his nightstand and aiming it at a random point in the darkness wasn’t a random occurrence anymore.

“Shit…” And he always cursed between a tired sigh, feeling the cold floor under his feet as his elbows rested on his knees, head hanging low.

He could choose the moment that appeared in his dreams, as if he was still there: the cop Leon tried to save and got cut in half right in his hands, the many heads he blew up of innocent people, his very own colleagues who dragged themselves towards him trying to eat him alive, those terrible monsters who followed Leon around as if the was the only living being in that hell…

Leon had enough memories for a whole lifetime. And, most probably, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder also enough for a lifetime.

It was to be expected that the government would find him for intense interrogation sessions and soon decided to turn him into one of its Special Agents – precisely those who do the job that no one else could. And all of that because no one had the experience he had; the Raccoon City experience.

Who would’ve known that from a rookie cop on his first day at the job, Leon would become a Special Agent of the Government.

Even though he had that experience, and it made Leon become a Special Agent, now he was just a rookie again. He had been in some field activities – simple stuff, but, in his dictionary, almost nothing compared to surviving the virus outbreak at the RPD. So, for all effects and purposes, he was still a rookie.

And he never imagined what kind of mission would be his first as a Special Agent. Leon was probably doomed by fate to have the worst first days at work ever.

**

New Setosa, April 29th, 2001 – 16h43

���The whole city is a mess, Chief Nakai. We managed to rescue a few people, but, truth is, everyone is scattered around and we don’t know what to do.” A police officer reported to the police Chief of New Setosa, the city that turned into hell in a few hours. “We don’t know if there are any more survivors or where they are.”

Chief Nakai kept his eyebrows together, evidently worried. Screams of mayhem could be heard all over the town outside the department, and the officers in New Setosa had been called to help in that mess they found themselves in. They said it was a virus, something that could become an epidemic, and it spread faster than a fever at a kindergarten.

“What about Washington? You spoke to them, right? Are them sending more people? Help? Rescue…?” The police officer himself was desperate. In all his years in duty, he had never been through something like that.

“The Government promised to send a team to help us, with a specialist in this kind of situation.” Nakai sighed, finally leaving his room with the officer – only to find a bunch of desolate people needing first aid and food, terrorized with what could be outside.

“How can someone be a specialist in this?!” The police officer was already far from trying to control himself. “I’ve never heard of anything like this shit! I don’t even know what those… Things out there are!”

“In Raccoon City, around two years ago, there was a similar incident. Do you remember…? They blew up the whole city ‘cause apparently a virus spread around and that was the only way to contain the epidemics…?” Nakai tried to remind his subordinate, but the man only denied with his head. They probably found a good way to cover up the story of Racoon City and only a few people remembered what had happened. “Well. Maybe this Special Agent from the Government will be able to help us with this. Maybe he led the extractions in Raccoon City. Maybe he helped the dozen poor bastards who survived to get out of there.”

As if on cue to the words of Chief Nakai, the symphony of approaching helicopters made everyone pay attention to what was happening outside. They approached and distanced right after, making the sound of coordinated steps at the top of the Police Department – the NSPD – be heard. The steps approached in a hurry – and no one knew if they would be friendly or not. One of the internal doors opened with a loud noise, giving way to men in black uniforms and heavy weapons, led by a tall man with gray hair in a military cut.

“Commander Rogers?” Nakai asked as the man immediately approached, offering his hand to start the conversation in the friendlier tone they could at that time. “It doesn’t look like a sufficient number of men to save a whole city.”

“If our suspicions are correct, there may be not that much people to save, Chief Nakai.” The Commander answered with a strong handshake, observing the despair in the eyes of the people in the NSPD. “What’s the situation?”

“There’s a lot more people to save, but we don’t have enough police force. The entire city is chaos outside, and this is the most we were able to do at the moment. We already had too many losses; many good police officers died today.”

Leon observed the entrance hall of the NSPD, in silence. He remembered when he first entered the RPD, years ago, and there was no one. The silence was deadly, and he could only hear the noises of the undead chasing him through the corridors of the police department. That was very similar to Raccoon City…  Too similar.

He hoped with all his heart his PTSD wouldn’t trigger that night. That was the closest he found himself to Raccoon City in years.

“We will try to rescue the greatest number of people we can.” Rogers walked alongside Nakai and the police officer to a nearby meeting room. The Commander signaled Leon to follow him, and he did without a word. As they entered the room, there was a map of New Setosa taped to the wall.

“The issue is that people are spread around the whole city.” Nakai pointed at the map, hopeless. “We tried to gather as much as we could, but those things are at the gates, ready to kill anyone who tries to leave the NSPD. I don’t think people left their homes, and those who did… Well. You saw how it’s like outside. It’s gonna be impossible to gather everyone, we never saw anything like this.”

“We haven’t, but I have a Special Agent who has already gone through something similar.” Rogers confirmed with his head, making Nakai and the officer look at him with hope blooming in their chests. They waited for someone strong and unrelenting to walk in, a war machine, almost like Rambo or the Terminator. “Leon Kennedy.”

As the Commander pointed at Leon, their glances were a little… Disappointed. Leon looked like everything but a war machine like they expected: not that strong, not that imposing, maybe a little too skinny, albeit fit. He looked too young, too inexperienced, too cute for… That.

“No offense, Commander…” The police officer had to say something. After more than ten years working on the streets, he only saw rookies with that face. “But he doesn’t look like the type of person who would know what to do in this situation. We had cops with fifteen years of experience and training dying like cattle today.”

“I told you, Commander…” Leon closed his eyes and took a deep sigh, not in the mood to at least try to smile. He was certain no one would respect him, precisely for looking too young, maybe even inexperienced. And, honestly, that was his first day as a Special Agent, in what could be a copy of Raccoon City. What if he had a panic attack? No one would ever respect him again.

“Kennedy is one of the few survivors of the disaster in Raccoon City.” Rogers words were harsh, ignoring completely how desolated Leon was by his side. “I never dealt with those things, nor anyone else in my team, and even lesser you. Leon, on the other hand, killed dozens of those creatures, survived the massacre, avoided worse consequences and helped other survivors to get out of there alive. Everything new we will see today, won’t be any news for him. If there’s a person here who may know the best strategies for surviving and saving people, this person is him.”

“You survived Raccoon City?” Nakai had his eyebrows furrowed. “Again, I don’t mean to be rude, but you look too young, Mr. Kennedy.”

“It was my first day at work.” Now Leon had a not so happy smile on his lips. “I have a completely different definition of ‘hellish first day in the job’.”

There was something of strange in his eyes; something different. Leon could look too young and even naïve, but something changed when they looked into his eyes. They had something of tired, too harsh and too merciless for someone so young. Those eyes carried something impossible to erase from the mind – as if they would never forget the blood and the death. They expected eyes filled with kindness and innocence, but all they got was cold and emptiness.

“So… Mr. Kennedy.” The police officer looked a little ashamed of his own antics, pointing at the map once again. “What do you think? How was it with you guys? Did you manage to rescue someone?”

“Well… We were able to find a few people. They managed to protect themselves somewhere strategic and had guns for protection.” Leon sighed, taking a look at the city map. “An emergency announcement led everyone to the RPD, but the virus also got there, and it was a massacre. They couldn’t rescue the people fast enough, no one was there for us.”

Leon fell silent for a while, still observing the map. Nakai and the police officer exchanged wary looks while Rogers remained in silence. No one was there, Leon remembered. He and Claire found each other for a whim of fate and had to make their own way between hungry creatures who literally wanted to eat them alive. In the end, the city was destroyed with a bomb. There was nothing left. If Leon and Claire hadn’t insisted so much in their survival, they would’ve had died. The same thing with Jill and Carlos, who now had to battle their own demons because of all that and almost didn’t manage to leave the city on time. They were one of the few who were lucky, very lucky.

“Leon…?” And he was brought back by the Commander’s voice. Leon shook his head slightly and pointed at the map again.

“I don’t think that many people who stayed at home survived. Unfortunately, that’s what happened in Raccoon… We can try to gather some people in big places: schools, hospitals, supermarkets; and then we rescue them little by little with police cars.”

“Most streets are blocked.” Nakai denied with his head, hands on his waist. “We had too many accidents, the streets are pure chaos. Cars, trucks, motorbikes… You choose. They’re all thrown in the streets, in pieces or in flames.”

“In pieces and in flames too.” The police officer had to point it out.

“That happened in Raccoon as well. We can ask people to gather somewhere nearby, and our team goes in for the rescue. We'll call the base and ask for enough helicopters to take everyone away from here.” Leon suggested right after, looking at Rogers for approval.

“And how are we going to gather everyone in one single place?” The Commander still thought about it, albeit knowing it was the best shot they had. “It’s not like we can go around screaming a PSA.”

“Radio and television. When things like this happen, people try to communicate and keep waiting for communication.” Leon nodded as he remembered what happened in his own city, years prior. “When they announced the bomb, it was through a special announcement in the TV, I remember Carlos told me. He woke up and it was basically an audio telling everyone who survived to leave the city ‘cause a missile was programed to blow it up. We can try at least through the radio.”

“Hmmm… Grace is here in the NSPD with her assistant, Chief.” The officer was starting to see the first glimmer of hope amidst that hell. “If there’s still someone alive in the studio, she might be able to record the announcement here and we can start an emergency broadcast in Channel 8.”

“Grace is the weather girl; she was in the middle of a transmission when one of those things almost ate her and the whole team.” The Chief explained, shaking his head right after. “They lost two assistants, but the cameraman was able to flee with his camera untouched. Grace appeared running after him completely desperate, still holding the microphone.”

“It might work. If we can guarantee there’s someone at the studio, it’s possible gather people in… The hospital, maybe?” Leon observed the map, but soon received a frantic negative answer both from the police officer and Nakai.

“That was the starting point of all this disgrace.” The Chief ran his hand over his forehead. “We’re avoiding it like the plague. I’m sure no one survived in there.”

“Ok. Let’s talk to this Grace and see if we can get some communication at the broadcast station.” Rogers fumbled with the rifle in his hands, apparently having no worries with Leon carrying just one handgun, dearly named Matilda.

Rogers didn’t mind Leon’s weirdness. The kid had survived hell. In his point of view, he could be as weird as he wanted to.

“If we can’t contact anyone there…” With that, Rogers glanced at his Special Agent. Once more, Leon’s steel blue eyes carried that quite atypical coldness.

“I’ll go there, and I’ll find someone. If there isn’t anyone, you can just guide me, and I’ll make it work.” Leon had a small smile in his lips, remembering the first end of the world he had gone through. “I already had to learn a couple things the hard way. Making a TV broadcast work mustn’t be that hard.”

“Great. Let’s redirect the survivors to the school, any objections?” Rogers finally decided and got only negative answers from both Nakai and the police officer.

He wouldn’t make it obvious, but he was proud of Leon – for an ex-rookie cop, he was behaving quite well as a Special Agent.

**

“Grace?” In the packed entrance hall of the police department, filled with crying and mayhem, the voice of the police Chief made a woman with dark hair and shiny green eyes turn around to him, startled. “We need your help.”

“You?!” That’s what she spat back at him as an answer, completely baffled. The red suit jacket and skirt were dirty and misaligned, the white shirt stained with blood. “We are the ones who need help! Are you doin’ somethin’ to take us out of here or just chattin’ and drinkin’ tea?!”

“Charming.” Leon murmured to Rogers, already internally sighing upon realizing they really needed her help and couldn’t just ask someone else for it. They didn’t need someone with a superstar complex at that moment. The Commander just answered with a small, almost inaudible, laugh.

“We need you to make an emergency broadcast to the city. Where’s your assistant? What is his name?”

“His name is assistant.” Grace huffed, crossing her arms and already looking impatient. “What emergency broadcast? You guys want me to go to the studio for that? I am not leavin’ here.”

“Grace, please… Be reasonable.” Nakai gently touched her arm, approaching the woman. The police Chief lowered his voice. “We want all the survivors to gather in one single place. A TV broadcast helped some people to survive in Raccoon City, it might help here too. We need you to call the studio and see if there’s someone alive in there to broadcast while you give the announcement and the assistant records it.”

“In Raccoon City…? How do you know that?” The woman now looked confused and less combative. She also lowered her voice and seemed a little more prone to help.

“I was there.” Leon almost shrugged, being noticed for the first time. “If there’s no one in the studio, I’ll go there, and you tell me how to broadcast. The goal here is to gather the most people we can in just one place so we can get you all out of the city.”

Grace remained silent for a few seconds, observing Leon. She slowly ran her eyes through each of them, confirming with her head as she thought about it, finally uncrossing her arms.

“It might work…” She murmured back. “If there’s someone alive in the station, I know who’s gonna be. Let’s hope they listen the phone ringin’.”

The group headed back to the meeting room, closing the door and putting the phone in speakers. Grace dialed as fast as she could, watching her cameraman lost outside the room and signaling him to enter and remain silent. Patience wasn’t her virtue.

The phone barely rang once until a silent voice picked it up on the other side.

“Hello…?” It was uncertain, probably hiding. They didn’t let the phone ring so it wouldn’t draw unwanted attention.

“Hello? Y/n?!” Grace rested both her hands on the table, almost covering the phone with her body. The voice on the other side sighed in delight and had to contain itself not to scream.

“Gracie?! You’re alive?!” You took a deep breath while the woman affirmed enthusiastically, your heart beating fast and tears threatening to fall from your eyes.

“Y/n, oh my, y/n…!” Grace murmured, sighing right after, trying to hold back her tears. “I knew that you would be alive…!”

“It was tough, Grace. Almost died. Where are you?”

“On the NSPD! That’s exactly why I’m callin’! They are here with…”

“Wait…! Stop talking…!” You suddenly fell silent and everyone in the meeting room heard insistent knocks on a door, alongside horrible undead moans. They exchanged quick looks, not knowing what was going on.

After a few good minutes in silence, the banging finally stopped and the dragged steps couldn’t be heard anymore. You controlled your breath and barely made any noise – they started to ask themselves if you still were on the other side of the line.

“Hey. I’m at the Director’s room, I barricaded the door but those things still try to enter here until changing their attention to fresh blood.” You finally got back to the call, speaking even lower than before. They had to make the speakers louder on their side.

“Is there anyone else alive in there…?” Grace was even scared to ask. Actually, she didn’t want to, but she knew they would ask you that eventually.

“No. Not that I know of.” You sighed on the other side, following with a humorless laugh. “But, I think this is going to comfort you: the fresh blood is from the Director. I tied him up one of the windows after he died; he bled so much that he immediately grabs the attention of those things who are feasting on him.”

“Hmmm…” And Grace laughed briefly after hearing the news, a little more content than she should’ve. “It’s a lot more than what that shitty abuser deserved.”

“Well, at least he was useful for something, right?” You shrugged, understanding Grace’s anger. Anyone would understand it.

“Y/n, my dear, I need you to do me a favor. That’s why I called.”

“When do you call me not to ask for a favor?” You tried to joke for a while, making Grace let out a genuine laugh. “Even in the apocalypse you call me for favors. What if I had died?”

“I knew you hadn’t died. Out of every person in that studio, you’re the only one who had a chance; I’m just alive now ‘cause I wasn’t there when all hell broke loose.” Grace suddenly turned serious, looking a lot more professional than before. “Chief Nakai and Commander Rogers of the Special Forces want me to record an emergency broadcast so all survivors will go to the school, and they can be escorted to the NSPD and rescued. The idea is to broadcast it on the TV and the radio, so I’m gonna need someone inside the studio to broadcast the signal of our camera to TVs across the town and my audio through the radio.”

“Hmmm, ok. I’ve no idea how to do that nor how I’m gonna get there, but we’ll worry about it when I actually get there.” You mirrored her tone, immediately understanding the seriousness of the situation.

“Excuse me, y/n?” Leon finally decided to take over the call. “Leon Kennedy, Special Agent and Raccoon City survivor. I can help. Do you have any radio in there?”

“Like a walkie talkie?” You asked back and, from the noise, it seemed like you were going around the room. “Dunno. The Director had all kinds of junk in here.”

“He had one of our police radios.” The officer added with a long sigh, receiving suspicious looks. “How do you think he knew exactly when some interesting crime happened and appeared there out of the blue, sometimes even before than us? The man was never worth a dime.”

“Well. At least now he’s worth something.” You considered in a mumble, followed by a rather loud noise and some things being fumbled around. “Locked drawer, the key is probably still with him. I don’t think I’ll be able to get rid of the half-dead people already feeding on the piece of crap at the moment.”

Grace giggled – that was the internal nickname of the Director to anyone who worked in the broadcast station; specially women.

“Hmmm, found it. How can I turn it on?”

“There’s a switch on top of it that shows the frequencies, can you see it?” Leon’s answer was in autopilot, getting a positive response from you after a few seconds. “We can find a frequency…”

“0.5 hertz. No one uses that channel, you won’t be interrupted.” The police Chief added before Leon could finish talking, throwing him a similar radio. Leon adjusted on that very same frequency.

“Great. You just have to press a button on the side to open the channel to talk to me. I’m gonna test it here and you tell me if it works, ok?” He didn’t even have to say much for you to agree. With a few words, you could hear him loud and clear.

“Ok, it works. What about you?”

“Working as well.” Leon smiled. Luckily, you seemed to be a fast learner. “Talk to me as you walk around the studio, and I can help you around those things. I was a cop in Raccoon City.”

“Yeah, I know. Claire and Jill told me about you.” Your answer came with a sigh, not at all happy with the perspective of getting out of the room you had made so secure for yourself. “Gimme a minute to get ready. I’ll call you on the radio, ok?”

“Ok, that works.”

“Y/n.” Before ending the call, Grace called you one more time. “Just… Don’t die, ok? I wanna see you again. I don’t wanna be the only one left from the studio.”

“Don’t worry, Gracie. We need a lot more than half a dozen slow zombies to kill me.” You had a cocky smile in your voice, making her laugh before finally ending the call.

The only problem was that there was a lot more than half a dozen zombies in the studio.

**

To be continued...

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

tbh hot take.

we are living in a rise of child abuse and neglect unironically.

the pandemic forced abusive parents and their kids together in close quarters for literally 2-3 years, most of the kids were aged 4-8 when they started, and they had nowhere to escape to.

no one was critical of neglecting parents or abusive parents because everyone was stuck in their homes, and could do whatever they wished to their kids let it be Sexual Abuse or physical abuse.

lots of kids were neglected because the parents were going stir crazy in lockdown, and lost jobs, lives, family.

and a lot of factors kinda contributed to tons and tons of kids either staying abused or started getting abused.

to say that iPad kids are a new thing? Is kinda dumb, neglected kids have existed forever.

but what i think we are seeing now, is that it’s WAY easier to spot them. We now know what neglected kids look like, we now know what child abuse looks like (in the public’s eyes i mean) we know know that these are behaviours stemming from something more sinister.

and that’s why we see them more, because again, i was a iPad kid (like one of the first ones lol) and again i ended up fine, i know tons of kids and people who were iPad kids. They are fine people?

from what I know it goes age 1-7 obsession with screens, 8-18 oh i can do other things!

it’s usually life issues that make them worse, divorce, natural disasters, neglect, abuse, death in the family, toxic relationships, and more. That stuff usually makes people “iPad kids” not that it’s bad it’s that it’s how they are coping with life.

same with the demon children, i hate them, they are bigots, but again there’s more factors outside of “they have an iPad that must be it” like your guys hypothesis is absolutely trash. Sometimes.

it’s genuinely a bunch of factors at home, and at school.

like there’s literally 2 -3 types of iPad kids,

there’s the “screaming if you take away their screen, will yell slurs, cannot handle their emotions and have anger filled outbursts”

and there’s the “starts sobbing and crying quietly, and has incredibly bad suicidal thoughts and tendencies while also being literally 8, and cannot handle their emotions and will breakdown with the slightest hint of anger.”

and lastly “they have been using iPads since they were basically born, they are weird they are fundamentally different and associate robots and digital tools and devices as more of a parent then their actual parents, they can handle their emotions but they associate and feel better with robots or artificial objects or inanimate objects."

like, again shy iPad kids exist and are super not okay.

The raised by Siri/alexa/hey Google and such who know the robots/ai are more of a presence in their lives then their parents, and they are very tech savvy and have a big interest in ai and robotics due to being basically raised by them.

And the screaming, yelling, iPad kids who will literally try to kill you.

like some people just are like “ kid who uses and iPad is an iPad kid” when guess what? THATS NOT IT!

i know not one, not 2 not even 4 but i know 10+ kids who have iPads and are literally the most bright wonderful kids ever.

genuinely that is not the problem, they have also seen the horrors on the internet, they have also seen dark things and whatever, but they love to learn and use their iPads to make art or write or edit or just everything!

but they aren’t iPad kids.

I’ve been trying to find like good information about internet trauma, and iPad kids. And also guess what? IT’S TOO NEW OF A PHENOMENON FOR PEOPLE TO EVEN DO THAT MUCH RESEARCH ON IT YET!

so at this point, me and the other ex-iPad kids are genuinely trying our best to tell you these things and we are shut down!

I’m not a scientist or a child psychologist, but hell! If i have to become one to be believed i fucking will!

like people are spending so much time on the WRONG THINGS, it’s so nuanced and complex the reasons why people become iPad kids, there is genuinely so many reasons!

there’s so much, so much, and no one but the previous iPad kids are even like trying to spread accurate information about these things.

it’s so annoying, it’s not like I don’t spread my time doing interviews and discussions with iPad kids, or previous iPad kids. it’s not like I don’t spend my time testing hypothesis’s and trying to find the root cause.

I’ve talked to more iPad kids then I think most of tumblr has combined, like 100+ I know what I’m talking about and I know what I mean.

I literally run a survey about internet trauma, I am going to make one about iPad kids at some point, I am doing so much research by myself because no one else freaking understands anything.

I’m sorry this has been a rant, but i can’t take people throwing literal CHILDREN UNDER THE BUS!

like these kids need help, and they will never get it at this rate. Their parents suck, the schools are either abusive or overworked, and who else is going to help these kids?

sure as hell not the government! ITS US INTERNET PEOPLE!

we are the ONLY ONES LEFT, that’s the problem! That’s the freaking problem!

iPad kids flee to the internet because no one else will take them, no one else is going to help them learn or teach them how to cook or read or write!

genuinely sometimes I wonder if you’ve ever seen the huge community of kids on the internet teaching other kids how to do things, it’s like you’ve never like seen all these kids even though they are horrible they have a love for life and passions, genuinely these kids may be trash but we LITERALLY SCREWED THEM OVER!

every single kid online, has learned things. All the iPad kids need guidance and help, and socialising and friendships but they don’t have them.

and we have screwed them over completely, if any of these laws that forbid kids online happen. There will be no-one to help them then, genuinely no-one.

as much as everyone preaches “help the children” and “report child abuse” and “think of the children” everyone falls insanely flat when it comes to actually helping them

I’ve talked to kids, who have no-one else left, who think no-one loves them, who think they are better off dead, I’ve talked to kids who have been beaten down by life and their parents and teachers, and I have supported those kids and teens and people.

because if I don’t.. who will?

Being on the internet is wonderful and awful at the same time, but the one thing that is always a net positive. Is that someone will listen, someone will help.

eventually, someone will come and they will help.

but some people see these horrible kids, or these shy kids, or these kids raised by technology. And then when they are struggling and have no-one else to turn to you leave them alone to die.

I shouldn’t have to read about 8-10 year olds attempting suicide, I shouldn’t have to read about them getting groomed and sexually abused, I shouldn’t have to deal with them having the worst home lives I have ever heard. Because this should have been nipped in the bud YEARS AGO!

these kids have been suffering most of not all their life, and when you give them the smallest bit of kindness or help they literally collapse crying.

that’s what iPad kids are, they are sad, lonely, fucked up kids. And we are not doing anything about it, we are actively making the problem worse.

literally if a kid seems fucked up, ask if they are alright, if someone seems upset ask why.

life is too short and too hard to be by ourselves.

sorry I ranted, I’m just so done with people throwing literal children under the bus. Why are you doing that?

I understand teachers and shit, I understand people who dislike kids, but everyone else? What’s your excuse?

I hate these kids, (the loud yelling angry ones) but they still need help. And it sucks life sucks, but we can’t leave them behind.

that’s why their literacy is trash, that’s why they don’t know manners or anything, that’s why they’re annoying and want to talk to you about things.

they were abandoned.

uh, closing statements.

don’t be a dick to kids online unless they are actively being a dick to you.

be patient in some form, and talk to people who are struggling.

and always fight internet laws <3

Parents get sooooooo mad when anyone even remotely implies that if we know it negatively impacts adults then it’s probably quite detrimental to the health and development of a young mind to stick an iPad in front of a child any time they show signs of Behaviors. “Are you calling me a bad parent?” Yeah. I am.

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 2/25/2022

Ugh, the vibes are poor, fam.

I am stuck in what we call in my family, an “I want to wear a shirt but I don’t want to wear a shirt” situation (after a particularly epic and strangely relatable tantrum my son threw as a toddler). I want to write, but when I sit down to write, nothing comes out. I have fifteen stories to work on and none of them interest me. It’s hard to even think about them. Even when I do manage to write some, I don’t like what I’ve written. I don’t feel funny. I haven’t felt funny in ages. I actually have some ideas for some Tumblr posts I want to do, but I just haven’t because of the not-funny thing.

I think the actual problem (in addition to the never-ending stream of distressing and depressing world events) is that I am under-stimulated. There is not enough enrichment in the enclosure. For so much of my life, I have had to carve out time to write and draw, and those became the primary thing I did with my free time. Currently, I have a lot of free time, but I don’t have any energy/attention span for writing and there’s nothing else I want to do, either. I’ve read about the creative cycle, and I know that taking in other media is an important part of idea renewal. I have some stuff I have told myself I want to read and some video games that, in theory, I would like to play, but I just can’t because I would rather write, except that I don’t want to write. What I really want is for someone else to drop a 100k Renruki fanfic on ao3 so I can devour it, but that seems... somewhat unlikely. Art is...okay. I just finished a piece that was extremely tedious to color and immediately started a new one, but it doesn’t scratch the itch the way writing does. I have two phone games that I have been playing for most of the pandemic, and I am in the awful endgame for both of them where I have unlocked 98% of the content, and it’s soullessly grinding out the finish (like, I could certainly quit both of them now, it’s not even like there’s gonna be some big payoff, but I don’t want to, I want the games to have more content. At least one of them still updates from time to time, the other one hasn’t been supported for years). 

People tell me to take a break all the time, but one of the major problems is that writing and running this dumb blog is literally the only coping mechanism I have for dealing with my depression, so taking a break is kinda...fraught. I know that sounds dramatic, but I did two years of therapy and my therapist was like “wow you sure are impervious to everything I can think of, it’s so great that you have the fanfic thing, tell me more about your fanfic” (I did try some antidepressants at some point, and they ranged in effectiveness from “did nothing” to “severely fucked me up”.)

Anyway, I’m trying to do other stuff that’s not writing (if I ever feel the *urge* to write, I certainly will, but I’m not making myself sit down to stare into the endless void of the monitor until I write a single sentence). I caught up on my household chores. I ordered seeds for the garden. I have been trying to convince myself to work on my taxes, but surprisingly, I don’t really feel like doing that, either. 

Here are my accomplishments for the week:

Depressing Academy Story - Wrung hands over extensively, did not manage to finish. Should probably re-read, but cannot bring myself to.

Tattoo Artist AU - Currently at 13,638 (+664, but I rewrote most of a chapter and I’m actually surprised this wasn’t negative). Ought to be excited about writing the next chapter, but am just not, which is the main sign that something is going sideways in my brain.

Dreadful Porno - I think I goofed up the word count on this last time and it was at 1263, not +1263. In any case, it’s at 2286 now (so maybe +1023??) but I think I’ve completely lost interest in it again. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Finished coloring (1) illustration for the last chapter of Hearts, you will see it in 2 weeks

[camxnoel-updates]

Cameron Monaghan brought the character of Ian Gallagher to life on Showtime’s hit series, Shameless. The series aired for a total of 11 seasons after originally premiering in 2011. It ranked as the network’s no. 1 comedy, longest-running series, and had the youngest-skewing audience of any Showtime series. Monaghan also joined two legendary universes with roles in both Gotham and Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order, which I got to ask him about too!

The final season of SHAMELESS finds the Gallagher family and the South Side at a crossroads, with changes caused by the COVID pandemic, gentrification, and aging to reconcile. As Frank confronts his own mortality and family ties in his alcoholic and drug-induced twilight years, Lip struggles with the prospect of becoming the family’s new patriarch. Newlyweds Ian (Cameron Monaghan) and Mickey (Noel Fisher) are figuring out the rules and responsibilities of being in a committed relationship while Deb embraces her individuality and single motherhood. Carl finds an unlikely new career in law enforcement and Kevin and V struggle to decide whether a hard life on the South Side is worth fighting for.

Along with the final season, fans also got a six-episode series that featured new Shameless scenes juxtaposed with a retrospective look at each character’s journey over the prior 10 seasons, titled, Shameless Hall of Shame. The first episode followed Ian and Mickey, showcasing their unique relationship and its evolution from a teen fling into a loving, complicated marriage.

I was able to chat with the actor over zoom and ask him all of my burning questions regarding the series finale, Ian and Mickey’s future, the show’s open ending, the representation his character provided to those watching, what he kept from the set, his future projects, and so much more! Keep reading to find out everything he told me.

So first of all, I want to say a huge congrats to you for wrapping Shameless after 11 seasons and bringing this character to life, who has inspired so many and that so many relate to. I wanted to ask, what has your time on the show meant to you and how would you describe how it helped you grow as an actor?

Cameron Monaghan: I mean, it’s so difficult to distill 11 years into some sort of concise answer, but it’s meant a lot for so many reasons. I think that obviously it’s been important for my career and my life in a sense of how it’s not only given me exposure but also given all of us a platform as performers to be able to tell interesting and challenging stories and to really develop and grow. Obviously, we had a couple of old pros on the show– when I say old pros, I’m not calling them old, just that they’re professionals and they’ve been doing it for a long time, but like William H. Macy, Joan Cusack, and a number of people who had very storied careers. Then we had actors on the show who had never appeared on anything prior and for a lot of us, we were somewhere in the middle, where we’d been working for a number of years, but hadn’t been given the opportunities to really put ourselves out there in such a significant way.

So being able to get an audience over the course of 11 years– and the show grew steadily, it was a marginal success at first, but it wasn’t until like season 4 or 5 that it really started to be seen by people and really connect on a larger platform, and a lot of that had to do with Netflix. When that happens we had such an influx of people kind of saying how they related to it and I think that that’s something that I’ve really taken away– I think we’ve all taken away, to be able to hear a lot of other people’s stories and how they’ve connected these stories in entirely different ways. Everyone has had different favorite characters or storylines and they have brought their own personal experiences to that, but for people to say that they feel seen or heard in some ways by these stories, I think is very special. You know, the character that I was playing was an LGBT love story, as well as a story about mental illness, and coping and struggling with that. I had so many positive responses from people regarding those things, and it was amazing to hear people’s responses. So I think that not only was I able to grow as an actor but being able to hear that response and feedback helps you grow as a human being too. I guess that’s what one of my major takeaways is.

What was that final day of shooting like for you, and how did you feel when you officially wrapped?

It was a bit surreal. I don’t think it really set in at first. It’s always funny when you wrap on a project, I feel like it comes in waves, and with something like a TV show, you start to feel it on the last few episodes of like, “Oh, wow, it’s going to be over.” You start trying to find your little ways of saying goodbye to people and understanding that these conversations are obviously not the last for everyone; we’re still close with each other, but you start to recognize that within the context of the show they’ll be your last so that’s a difficult thing. I’ve never been particularly good at saying goodbye, you know? I feel like in general, I’m kind of a person that just likes to be like, “I’m just going to walk away from it cause I don’t know what else to do really.”

So, we were shooting pretty late at night and we were all there hanging out and cracking jokes, and it was just of like, “Oh, I guess that’s it.” We all kind of looked at each other like, “Well, what do we do now?” A bunch of us stuck around for a few hours afterward, we popped a bottle of champagne, and we sat in each others’ trailers and just kinda hung out until pretty early in the morning, the next day. Then we’ve all kind of just been hanging out and seeing each other since. Everyone’s been really busy, thankfully. So we’ve been traveling and going to different cities for work, but when we’ve been in town we’ve been trying to see each other. I had dinner with Jeremy and Ethan, who played my brothers on the show last week. Noel Fisher, I just saw yesterday. I’m going to see Shanola Hampton in a few days. We’re all still staying in touch with each other is what I’ll say.

Were you personally satisfied with the ending of the show? I think it was very open-ended, which was kind of nice and left a lot open for the future. And was there anything you wanted to see for your character that we weren’t able to?

Endings are difficult in general, but I feel like, especially with a show like Shameless, which is a show about a slice of life and sort of how existence doesn’t really fall into a perfect narrative; it tends to be messy and kind of just continue in spite of itself, and it’s a stream of these little victories and these constant mistakes. So you can’t really cap off a pure ending to a story like that. I think that what John Wells tried to do with writing it is not really conclude the stories. He concludes certain aspects, but the way that he explained it to us is he wanted it to feel like if you were walking through the streets of Chicago, maybe you might bump into these characters. Maybe they’re still out there and maybe they’re still doing things. Some of us had more resolution than others.

I would actually say that the Ian and Mickey storyline was one that did have a fair amount of resolution for the final episode. It was about their anniversary, how they were going to deal with their future, and they’ve kind of figured out some sort of life with each other. There are still large questions, whether or not they’re going to have kids and what the terms of their marriage will entail in the future, but those are questions that are lifelong questions, and ones that I think that we know these characters well enough and we understand their relationships well enough that we can draw our own conclusions for. I think there is something beautiful about the fact that the audience will project what their future for these characters will be.

I think it was a challenging final season because of so many extenuating factors in the world. All shows, businesses, everything was trying frantically to keep up with a changing landscape, and the fact that we were able to make it in spite of all of those things, I think is a victory in itself; one that we are all proud of and happy with. I do think there’s still a future, years out, where we might return to these characters and explore them further. I think that I’m happy putting them to bed for now, I think we all are, but I would like to maybe check in with these characters in 5 or 10 years, and just kind of see where they’re at and what they’re doing.

Kind of like a little Shameless movie, just to play catch up for a little bit.

Yeah, I think that’s something that is kind of more possible now with these streaming networks. They’ve done it with a few series, to sometimes success and sometimes mixed results, but I do think there is a possibility of a reunion season or something like that, depending on where the show fits into the public consciousness in a few years, you know? It’s an open question, but one I’d be excited to see.

How you would describe Ian’s evolution and journey on the show?

I think that Ian has come a long way in terms of confidence and assuredness in himself and his own decisions. I think that’s what a lot of the exploration of the character was, especially in the middle seasons between seasons like 3 to 8 or 9, are this guy who sort of just doesn’t necessarily know what he wants for himself and he’s dealing with a bunch of surprises about himself that he doesn’t necessarily understand, or hasn’t really come to terms with. I think it’s amazing to see Ian in these earlier episodes where he’s kind of getting kicked around by his relationships and by his family. He’s kind of a forgotten kid a little bit. He’s like a middle child, who’s just sort of– people aren’t really looking out for him. His brother does to a certain extent, but also his brother is kind of telling him what he wants for himself and Ian isn’t as active.

At a certain point, he starts to really come into his own as an adult and as a human being. I think it’s amazing how we see him as not only a big brother by the end of the series, but also sort of– there’s something a bit paternal about him. He becomes a bit of a father figure, even a little bit in his relationships. I think it’s interesting how Mickey was always sort of the commanding force and deciding factor for so much of the series; when Ian was really struggling with mental illness and down in the dumps, Mickey is the kind of guy who was looking after him, but by the end of the series, Mickey is a bit childlike in certain ways. Ian is kind of protecting him to a certain extent, and even with his older brother, Lip, Ian is sort of looking out for him in a slightly paternal way, which I think is kind of interesting. He really comes a long way in sort of being confident enough in himself to start looking out for other people that I think is a really great quality. It makes him a character who has made a fair amount of mistakes but mistakes that we understand, and I think that ultimately he’s a guy that I understand and really relate to because he does have this quality to him.

So I have to ask you some questions about Ian and Mickey. I personally love them together, they were one of the reasons I started watching the show. In the end, as you said, we kind of get some closure, but also an open ending with them and it’s a happy one; they’re together and celebrating their anniversary. In your head, what do you think that their future holds? Do you think kids are in the picture; do you think they’re going to be parents? Ideally, what is your version of their happy ending, if you could create it?

I think that they both still need to do some work. I would say that they need to do work as a couple in their marriage still of just defining the terms of what is it that they want financially, sexually, intimately, personally, all of these things. It’s a show full of people who aren’t great at communication or dealing with their own feelings– I mean to a certain extent, most human beings aren’t, but these guys, especially, come from a rough background and they have that tendency of just kind of wanting to push that stuff down. Ian has really opened up Mickey and Mickey to a certain extent has really opened up Ian over the course of the series, but I still don’t think they’re fully all the way there. Mickey has a lot of emotional baggage when it comes to parenthood, his father, and dealing with responsibility.

I don’t know if Mickey is fully there. Hopefully, he would be one day in the future. And hopefully, Ian would be patient enough to give him the space to make that decision and to not want to rush into it. I do think that it would be something in their future. Parenthood was a huge motivating factor for Ian earlier in the series, going so far as to steal someone’s baby at some point because he wants to be a father. I would hope that they would be able to provide that for him and for themselves, but there’s no way to know, we have to sort of make that assumption for ourselves, but I think so.

Ian and Mickey have been this fan-favorite couple that means so much to the LGBTQ+ community in terms of representation. What was the moment that you personally started rooting for them?

I think it was pretty early. I was rooting for Ian from the first episode, from the pilot, but the second that Mickey gets introduced to the show, he brought such a fun dynamic with him. Obviously, a massive amount of charisma that was coming from Noel Fisher. The scenes were always fun, exciting, and felt steeped in a lot of dramatic tension. Whether or not they were destined to be together was kind of a question that still was developing. In the first season to the third season, the Mickey character is pretty rough emotionally and physically; he is at points pretty, extremely abusive in a way that is great for a character and for a story, but if I was talking to Ian as a person in real life, I would probably say, “Get the hell away from this guy. He’s awful for you.”

But within the context of the story, we’re able to get the internal life of these characters and we understand them well enough to really want to be rooting for them and see them succeed. It builds into this pretty epic love story of these characters that really do feel kind of intertwined by fate and something greater. It feels like you have these forces pulling for them in a way that you want with every fiber of your being to see it work out for them because you care for them. So obviously, Noel and I had been rooting for these characters the entire time, but it was really fun playing some of the ridiculousness of the situations of the two of them, where they were just very at odds with each other at times. It was a joy bouncing off of each other in both the highs and the lows of the character.

Is there sort of a message that you hope their love story gives to viewers that see themselves in these characters?

Well, I think the aspects of the characters, especially for Mickey, that I’m sure a lot of people relate to, and it is sort of the greatest tragedy of the character, is how he is deeply in the closet and he feels that he can’t embrace his own self and also this beautiful love because of this situation that he’s in; a traumatic home life, specifically an abusive father, and also an environment that doesn’t allow him to be what he wants to be. I guess the message that I do hope that people who are relating to that get is that there are places where you can be accepted and there are better options for you, and sometimes that takes time, but as cliched as it is, it does get better. So hopefully people are able to find these safe environments for themselves to be able to improve the quality of life and to get better situations. I hope that people find hope in the story ultimately.

Another relationship of Ian’s that I have to discuss is his relationship with the whole Gallagher family; that was a focus of the series since day one. What was your favorite part of their dynamic and playing off that?

Obviously, the chaos of the family is always really fun to play. We had these scenes that were kind of an amazing balancing act of like 8 or 9 people in a scene, all messing around with these different storylines that are bouncing off of each other, intertwining, and you have this really biting sharp satirical dialogue that all had a very specific rhythm to it and was a sort of flow that was established early in the show that was kind of kept across the entire series; one that was a genuine joy as a performer to play. But I think that specifically the relationship that I’ve always been a fan of and I love from the start, is probably– it’s definitely one of my favorite relationships on the show– was the relationship between Ian and Lip.

There’s not a lot of depictions of brotherhood and intimacy between men that are deeply sensitive, close, and uncomplicated. Those are definitely scenes that I felt very personally moved by, of two brothers who have just had a world of shit, a lot of complicated and messed up things that have been dropped on their heads that they’ve been dealing with for the entirety of their lives, but they’ve sort of made a pact that they were just gonna be there for each other no matter what. If they weren’t there for each other, who knows if they would have survived. I think that there’s something really amazing about those scenes in that they’re just very open with each other, and that’s something that’s established right from the start and was kind of one of those key relationships for the show that survived until the very last episode and that I’m very proud of, cause I do think that those are some of my personal favorite scenes of the show.

Here’s a fun three-part question: most challenging, fun, and insane storyline for you as an actor?

Most challenging would probably have to be… we reached a point in the series around season 8 and they were trying to contextualize the characters in a modern way, put them into new circumstances, but try to retain what the characters were, but they’ve moved a lot from where they originally were. We were at a point where we were getting so many new writers onto the series, and the show I feel struggled for a second, which happens with any series that’s been on for a while. It felt like there was a point where they didn’t know what they wanted to do with Ian. There were a couple of episodes where I was kind of looking at the story and being like, “What are we doing here? It doesn’t really feel like anything is happening with him and we’re kind of floating across these relationships.” I wasn’t sure what we were trying to say, but that being said, that is kind of true to life, to a certain degree, where we do find ourselves sometimes in these ruts where we don’t know what we’re doing with our relationships, our lives, and ourselves. There is a little bit of a struggle there and that is kind of real to a certain degree, and I do think having those episodes make when they started finding the way with the character and relationships again, kind of more satisfying cause he sort of loses his way and he comes back. So it was kind of a challenge, but I think it all worked out ultimately.

Craziest would have to be… so this is one that no one would even know is like a thing really, no one would even think of it as a thing, but the scene in the pilot episode, Lip and Ian jump out of like a window and they run out of a house to escape an angry parent, right? And they’re kind of running in a rush. So they run out in their socks, down the street, and it’s the middle of January in Chicago and the streets are covered in mud, water, and ice. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever felt in my life that I actually thought my feet were going to like fall off. I thought we were going to have to amputate a toe because of frostbite. We did the scene a bunch of times, and because Jeremy and I were young, we were just sort of trying to be tough, just like, “Yeah, whatever, it’s not a problem. We can do this over and over, not a big deal.” Then I definitely learned a lesson of like, when something is a problem, you have to say, it’s a problem.

Most fun… I don’t know if I can distill it to just one scene. I think the most fun was just getting to interact with all of the wildly different personalities of our show, and just kind of get to sit around and hang out with everyone. There were times that we would just be laughing so hard that one of us would start and we just end up crying, laughing. Usually, it was because of Howey cracking jokes or something like that, but it could be just the dumbest to smallest thing, but it’s the kind of thing when you become so comfortable with people, it just starts to happen. Sometimes it was just the downtime and these little small kind of boring or mundane moments that really ended up being some of my favorite experiences.

Did you take anything from the set at all?

I did. So in the final season, there’s a storyline where Frank steals Nighthawks, the Edward Hopper painting, and that was actually done in cooperation with the Art Institute of Chicago and the Edward Hopper estate. They did these really high-resolution prints of it that were then painted over by hand, and they even took pictures of the back and mimicked the way that the canvas wrapped over, the small writing, and everything. It’s a pretty damn good forgery of Nighthawks. So I stole one of those and that’s hanging up in my living room. I also stole one of the mugs cause in the show we’re always having breakfast and drinking coffee, so there are these rooster mugs and I stole one of those.

Since you’re talking to The Nerds of Color, I have to ask you about Star Wars and Gotham. What stood out to you about Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order compared to your other work, and what did it mean to you to join that iconic universe?

I mean, what stood out pretty quickly was that it had a tone all of its own. Star Wars is a very specific tone. It has sort of its own language, pacing, style, and rhythm; there’s something very specific about it, something that I’m a big fan of. I grew up watching the Star Wars movies and that was definitely… you know, anytime that you’re jumping onto something with an active and passionate fanbase it’s going to be slightly intimidating. There’s no way around that. Thankfully, I’ve at this point done enough projects with really passionate fanbases to kind of understand what that entails, which is that there’s going to be a lot of opinions. A lot of people are really excited about things and no matter what, even the smallest things, someone’s going to be very, very angry about it. That comes along with the territory, but that’s kind of fun to a certain degree; it’s fun to hear such minutiae and being examined, and these conversations are ones that are being had on set too.

There’s so much conversation between the Lucasfilm story group, Respawn, and EA, who are the production companies behind the game, and also the cast, directors, and everybody involved are sometimes discussing, “How does a person stand? How does one get onto a speeder bike? What kind of sound does this monster make?” And there’s always a genuine deference and respect to the series. We know how much people care about it. We know because we care about it a lot, and everyone on this project are huge fans of the source material. So that was exciting to be a part of, obviously; I mean, that should go without saying. It’s so freaking cool to be a Jedi and to be the face of this massive franchise, and to be able to not only be a part of a really well-known property and part of this large project but also to be able to tell an interesting and intimate story within it. For as bombastic as all of the action is, and as big as the Star Wars universe is, I feel the story of Cal Kestis and the people that he interacts with is a somewhat smaller one and a more intimate one. It’s ultimately, at least for me, a pretty emotionally resonant one and a story that I actually very much care about and relate to. I think that was probably the most exciting part about it, was being able to within the framework of this big machinery of what Star Wars is, still tell a story that might actually affect people and make them feel things, I think was just really cool.

Could you describe how it felt to take on the role of the Joker?

Exciting, intimidating, an honor, and challenging; it’s a role that I didn’t take lightly. I understood what it was, which is that a lot of the people who were seeing me in the role had never heard of me and didn’t know who I was, and it was a way to prove myself and to show off my take of what I could do with this. It was really cool too with that show that we were getting to do something that had never really been done before with the character, which is to show multiple versions and possibilities of what that character could be, and to kind of tip our hat to some of the famous stories that came before, and then kind of give a unique spin and show off some new things with it as well.

Obviously, that show was heightened to a certain degree and kind of existed in this wacky over-the-top violent, but also slightly cartoony universe that was kind of its own little thing. That was really fun to play around with it and to totally get to do something kind of different with that, something that we hadn’t seen before. But I think it was specifically really intimidating because, at that point of casting when I performed the episode in the first season of that show, no one had played the role since Heath Ledger had posthumously won the Oscar for the role. So the only people who had touched it in live-action had been Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger, which are just massive, massive shoes to fill and two people that I deeply admired. Again, it’s just sort of a case of respect and wanting to kind of come in, just do my absolute best with the material, and to try to pay a certain level of honor to the people that came before.

Anything you can tease about what you’re going to do next? Any future projects?

Absolutely. It’s always difficult with this stuff because there’s only so much you can say. I can say that I just shot a film that hasn’t been announced yet, but I was out of town shooting it for a while. It’s the starring role in the film, and that will come out to theaters in the near future. I’m also working on another project over the course of the next year that I will be working on and off for. Again, thanks to the joys of NDAs, I can’t actually say what it is. I have a movie that I will be doing in June and then also I’m starting to move a bit behind the camera as well. So I’m working on producing and starring in a feature in August or September. And I’m writing a couple of projects right now as well. So it’s a loaded year for the next year, but it’s all very exciting that’s happening.

[wannaliveattheholidayinn]

Alright, now that I've been given a few hours to stew and think and cry and have several breakdowns over the cancellation,,, let's talk about how I found this show, my relationship to it, and why I love this show

Anyone who's interacted with me in this fandom, be it over tumblr or in the discord know I started watching because my dance teacher was an extra in the Help! scene (bc I never shut the fuck up about it). But it did start a little earlier.

I had seen a few ads, on NBC and on YouTube. I thought it looked interesting, but I was in sophomore year, having breakdowns just about every other day, the homework was hard, and there were also reports of the virus. At the time it seemed so far away, but I had a feeling it would arrive soon. So it didn't seem like something I could add to my plate. I thought it would simply become another Good Girls to me (aka a show I really wanted to watch, and still kinda do, but I never really got around to it.) So, watching it kind of fell to the back of my mind. And then... that fateful day.

It was a big deal when the teacher would put on the TV in the main studio. It didn't happen often, and when it did, it always had to do with dance in some way. But my teacher was on YouTube and googling Zoey's. We sat down, I even grabbed my glasses so I could see what we were watching. We picked up at the ladies singing "Whatta Man" which the owner of my studio was howling at. I'm lucky enough that two of my teachers have been involved in Smuin Ballet in San Francisco, one still currently in the company (although she just had a baby and... y'know professional dance is hard in the pandemic.) I'm also lucky enough to have met another former Smuin dancer who was also an extra in the Help! scene. So, my teacher pointed himself and the other former Smuin dancer out, funnily enough, they were similarly dressed. So, the scene ended and we went on with our class. I went home and put on the first episode.

And then... well we all know what happened next. The US went into lockdown, and there wasn't much to do.

And yeah, I had school. I went into the two five pm history classes I had, I still had homework,,, but other than those two history classes and the occasion english class there was nothing... dance had stopped, homework, class, and the workload changed. Suddenly, I was left with a lot of free time. So, continued to watch Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist. For a while, it was Killing Eve and Zoey's Playlist, but then that went away, and it was just Zoey.

(also, yes, I'm aware this isn't linear and in chronological order, but give me a break, my memory is already shit and this pandemic just made it worse.)

In April, I wrote my first fanfiction for the show. It was this small, little piece of fluff that showed a future Zimon and their four kids (four kids, Jesus Christ, what was I onnnnnn). It's already outdated bc of my use of Eddie and not Perry but I still hold it very dear to my heart. It was posted on ao3 on Jun 13, 2020, and was my first fanfic on the site. I've posted more since then, but it's still overwhelmingly zep there, and I currently have two ongoing fanfics. My goal is to become that person in the zep fandom who is known for her works where people perceive Zimon's relationship, in a funny but wrong way (and when I say people, I (mostly) mean Tobin.)

I love Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist. It's made me laugh, made me cry, made me sing along with it, and made me actually fully enter a fandom. I've considered myself in fandom long before Zoey's, but Zoey's actually had me interacting with others. It's technically not my first fandom. I'd say that was Mighty Med, all the way back in sixth grade. But it's the first where I've actively interacted with others and even made an acquaintance (Isabella ily 💗).

Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist had moments that made it hard for me to love it the way I do. There have been some bad writing decisions. I personally don't ship cl*arkeman, even though it's clear they are endgame.

But, I still love it. It was a coping mechanism in a hard time, and I love that it helped me. And I know it helped others as well.

I know not everyone is going to understand my comparison to Cloak and Dagger. They are vastly different shows. But the cancellation... that's what gets me the most about both. They were both canceled in a way where the fandom was going to feel like crap. Both were canceled after two seasons when they had more story to tell. It was done quietly, and there was backlash. Different programs eyed them. The difference is we don't know how this one will end yet. Cloak and Dagger was canceled, and I'll never be the same. I'll never truly be over it. And while I know I'm not in the right headspace to process this cancellation, I think I may be able to find a way. It'll be really, really fucking hard. But I'm slowly getting there with Anne with an E, and I think I could with Zoey's. It was an incredible show while it lasted, and if it's its time to go... I'm glad for the time I had with it and will help keep it going along with others in the fandom. All that being said...

Save Zoey's Playlist

Start petitions (ig, idrk how change.org works), keep it trending on Twitter, let NBC know it made a mistake, and let other streaming services know we're interested in seeing the show go on. It deserves a clean resolution that's not a cliffhanger. Just let these characters be happy in the end.

This doesn't have to be another Cloak and Dagger, or Timeless, or whatever show anyone has felt never got a proper chance to tell its story and end in a satisfying way. It can be another Brooklyn Nine-Nine, or Lucifer, or Friday Night Lights (me, side-eyeing NBC for that one). This doesn't have to be the end. And maybe I'm too late to writing this, maybe it's not trending anymore and it won't trend again, and it won't get picked up. But at least we can say we tried.

This was long as fuck to write, and I could've put that time towards... idk homework ig, or writing the fanfiction I just started, or any of my ongoing two. But it felt it necessary to write this. I don't know why, maybe I just needed to get this shit off my chest. If no one in the fandom reads this... eh, I really can't blame you, it's long as all fuck.

If you did, and you got this far, I love you, I love this fandom, I don't regret my time here, and I hope you don't either. It means the world to me that you read this.

I love you all, and I'll shut up now 💖💗💖💗

[bonkywobble]

I need that sweet sweet commentary on Borderline Happy Borderline Sad

Oh yeah, you want it YOU GOT IT! Commentary under the cut.

So this actually goes all the way back to the end of March last year. Due to the calamitous nature of 2020 I had lost my job, so I made the tactical decision to retreat to my home country of Aotearoa and begin my 2 week quarantine. It was in this short period that my consumption of marvel fanfiction churned out an idea.

See, the Social Media AU is probably one of my favourite types of AU and I had consumed a lot of them by the time quarantine was ending. However, I hadn’t really come across any Stucky x reader SMAUs. I could've just been looking in the wrong places, but I knew that’s what I really wanted to read. Being known by literally every single one of my friends as ‘the one with the best memes’, that soon turned into ‘that’s what I really wanted to write.’

I sat on this for a few months for a few reasons. Firstly, it would be my first time publishing ANY sort of fanfiction so the new writer hesitation was there. Secondly, I was busy adjusting to life back home. And thirdly, I wanted to give myself time to map out the storyline. If I was gonna put something out into the world, I wanted it to be AWESOME.

Right off the bat I knew I wanted to include a couple of things. 

A no-bullshit reader. Don’t get me wrong, I love reading works where a reader can just take a whole bunch of shit and still come running back. It doesn’t make them weaker or less interesting than any other type of reader insert. I just knew that from the get-go my reader wasn’t gonna be like that. 50% boss bitch, 50% panicked gremlin was what I was going for.

There was never any question of the boys being together before the story starts. The way their personalites and mannerisms would compliment each other in a romantic relationship sounded perfect to me, however I wanted to also put them in a position where they’d struggle repeatedly with getting their ideal ending and how that would test them. Straightforwardness? Never heard of her.

These guys:

I hadn’t come across any Avenger based SMAUs with all three of these characters included. Daredevil and The Punisher were such amazing shows that provided us with these well developed characters, and I firmly believe that this friend group would be one of the best in the MCU. They bounce off each other so well.

Once I had the base for the story, the rest flowed naturally from there. I have thousands of memes on my phone so I never struggled with filling in those gaps.(Thanks lockdown!)

SMAUs do have their limits though. You have to be able to create a story that reads well and flows naturally within a few pictures. So in the first couple of chapters I knew needed to quickly establish the relationship the reader has with each character, particularly the relationship she currently has with Steve and Bucky. As their assistant, there’d be both a lot of obstacles, opportunities and shenanigans that would come with it.

I’ll be honest, the idea to include PC? Kinda last minute. It just popped into my head one day and all my brain could think was yeeeessssssss…… 

I’m writing this story because it’s the kind of content I wanted to read, I’m just blessed that everyone else seems to like it too! I needed something to keep my spirits lifted during the pandemic and writing this has helped me cope. I can’t wait to show you what else I’ve got planned!!

[winchester-with-wings]

You’re Not Alone

Sam Winchester x Bella (@dreamingforthosewholost​)

A Coronavirus-related story.

@dreamingforthosewholost commissioned me!

Request:  Unfortunately someone in my immediate family has caught the coronavirus and me myself I’m feeling kind of ill. I’m going to test for it sometime this week. And I would really appreciate it if you could write this fic! So the request is that Sam Winchester is my boyfriend and he is taking care of me. 

Word Count: 2200ish!

Author’s Notes: This was an interesting commission! One of the first ones I’ve gotten in a long while and I really appreciate Bella’s support <3 The title is actually kinda relevant too since it’s been such a prominent message during the pandemic. This is personalized with Bella’s name and physical features. promise it’s more fluff and comfort than anything else.

Triggers: family member is covid positive, Bella is assumed positive too.

Wanna get previews, early access and make exclusive requests? Become a Patron! You can follow my Patreon for free too! Can’t become a patron? Please consider a donation to my Ko-Fi (Tips are appreciated!) Commissions are open too!

Mobile Masterlist  /  Patreon & Commissions Masterlist  /  Commissions are Open

-----------------------------------------------------------

Sam and Dean Winchester have officially declared 2020 cancelled.

They'd endured plenty of end-of-world scenarios so far…too many really. But usually there was something for them to do. Something that they could do to stop it, fix it, save the world. It's not really a savior complex when history time and time again proved they were truly heroes.

Not that Bella was going to tell them they were bonafide heroes.

Dean, in particular, didn't need the ego boost, and she didn't want Sam to do something stupid out of obligation to deal with the current situation. Because he couldn't.

The coronavirus, Covid-19, was not of the supernatural realm and couldn't be solved by the best hunters in the world. No, the world was sick and the virus had sprouted from nature and humankind's carelessness. Monsters, ghosts, and demons were now the least of their worries. The creatures even seemed to be sitting it out, doing their own part to give humans a break from hunting and hauntings. This meant that Sam and Dean were left with nothing but terrible headlines, of which they could do nothing about. Humankind's own negligence--failure to react, to test, to take precautions--this was on them. And while the Winchester brothers had been known to face human "monsters," a global pandemic was wildly out of their pay-grade and abilities.

And so over the first few weeks, Sam and Dean read the headlines. Scouring them for anything unrelated to the virus. They came up empty, thankfully.

They took the necessary precautions themselves, going to a "big box store" in town for more than just the supplies often acquired at a gas station convenience store. And as much as Dean loved food, he'd never seen the Impala so loaded with groceries…and toilet paper.

"Dean, we don't need two giant packs of toilet paper," Sam had scolded him, sighing. Dean frowned and had followed through with tossing the toiletry into their cart.

For what it's worth though, the bunker had earned this moniker. All supplies Sam and Dean picked up went towards their stockpile, which had been greatly depleted when they'd taken in refugee hunters from another dimension.

"We'll need this eventually," would be Dean's response to Sam's groans of disapproval as countless bags of chips and cases of beer and frozen packages of meat were piled on.

They'd also expected that more hunters in their newly-formed network would seek shelter for the quarantine. But no one came to the bunker. Instead they stayed away, as recommended, you know…because of social distancing.

Castiel visited when he could, but angel radio was overwhelmed with prayers and he couldn't ignore them for long. Cas had cured someone with the OG plague before, this should be nothing.

Bella--another hunter who lived in town--tried to stay away from the brothers. She'd never forgive herself if breaking quarantine meant weakening them; surely there was some Big Boss fight on the horizon.

Bella had not immersed herself into the hunter's life just yet. She'd recently moved back home and it had only been by a chance meeting in the park during a morning jog that she'd met Sam and soon after, her eyes were opened to the world of the supernatural.

Hell, if she hadn't known any better, Bella would've thought Sam was some sort of god, or an angel. Or a soldier, but no. He was a hunter, and the best way to cultivate her relationship with him had been to become a hunter too, although he hadn't been happy about that. How was she supposed to live life like a normal person, going to work at a restaurant when day-to-day life could be plagued by literal demons? It really put things into perspective. Sam Winchester changed Bella's life, and as long as she was with him, it was for the better.

The quarantine brought with it a personal predicament. Stay home with her family, or with Sam and Dean in the bunker? So far, Bella had only spent time at the bunker during the day in the archives, and even more recently had she spent the night there. But the quarantine could mean practically moving in. Who knew how long it would last? If the articles were to be believed, the rising numbers of infected people could mean at least a month stuck inside.

The stay at home order for Kansas went into effect at the end of March. Yet despite this, Bella's job at a restaurant was considered essential.

"Stay with me," Sam asked her, leaning on the trunk of the Impala. Bella was poised between his legs, his hands resting on her lower back. "We won't get sick and neither will you. It's the best way to keep your family healthy," he reasoned as his thumbs traced a pattern along her back. It was a logical suggestion and she was open to considering it. But how her family would handle the quarantine without her still weighed on her. How could she possibly predict how they'd cope with the isolation? She pressed her forehead into the curve of Sam's neck and nuzzled him.

"But where would I sleep?" she murmured. It's not like she had her own room at the bunker. A deep, throaty chuckle reverberated in Sam's chest and his arms coiled around her.

"Oh I think you know the answer to that."

Bella moved into the bunker that night.

----------

She stayed in touch with her family, of course, occasionally dropping off food on the front porch and retreating to her car. Phone calls with her grandmother and video chats with her parents too, but then what she'd dreaded came to pass.

Her grandmother tested positive. Her symptoms were rather mild for someone her age, but that didn't stop Bella from worrying. There was a night after a longer shift at work that she came home to the bunker and broke down and cried while Sam held her.

"They're all at risk now!" she cried. Her grandmother had come to stay with her parents so that she wouldn't be all alone. She was both thankful she hadn't stayed there but also felt guilty that now her family was facing the virus without her.

Dean cooked them all a dinner of comfort food and reassured her that he'd reach out to Cas, asking for a miracle.

Even with the orders in place, Bella felt a flexibility that others may not have because of her essential job. Yes, she dealt with rude people who just couldn't cope with the state of things, but she also had a reason for leaving the bunker and being out on the road. Although no one stopped her or questioned her; these stay-at-home orders weren't enforced very well.

She'd put together a care package for her grandmother and, while wearing gloves and a mask (oh and foggy glasses), and managed to stop by her parent's home. Her grandmother had been fortunate enough to not require hospitalization, but the idea that she might be struggling was overwhelming--enough that Bella was willing to take the risk.

She was young and healthy, confident that she could beat the virus as well if it came to it. Still, she planned to stay a safe distance away and avoid touching things. It broke Bella's heart that she couldn't hug her parents, couldn't hold her grandmother's hand.

"You're going to be okay," was the only reassurance she could conjure up.

--------

Not even two weeks later…

Bella called in sick.

It started with a sore throat. Dean wanted to chalk that up to her snoring.

"I do not snore!" Bella contested. "Sam! Tell him!" His grin was wiped away when called to defend her, and with a serious face, he nodded.

"Yeah Dean, she doesn't snore. I do." Literally behind Bella's back, Sam's eyes widened and he shook his head. "She totally does. So loud." he mouthed to his brother. "Still, just to be safe, babe, you should rest."

Sam went out on a small supply run and when he returned, Bella was laid up in bed, coughing.

"Oh sweetheart," Sam sighed, coming to her bedside. Using the back of his giant hand, he reached out to touch Bella's forehead, gleaming with sweat.

"No, don’t!" She recoiled from his touch. "I think--I think I have it." Saying the name out loud would only make it more real. Sam just smirked and made contact with her skin.

"You're burning up."

"I told you," she said, just before breaking into a fit of coughing.

"We need to get you tested. Come on." Sam scooped Bella into his arms with ease, taking her blanket with them.

He held her hand as he drove her to a testing site in town and held her hand while her sinuses were swabbed. He was wearing a facemask but his reassuring smile reached his hazel eyes; she loved the way they crinkled at the corner when he smiled.

"I should probably stay in another room when we get back," Bella suggested, rather quietly. Was she ashamed? Embarrassed? Or was she just scared? She'd been careful and perhaps even a little cocky that she could handle it, and where did that land her? Sucking wind.

"No. It's fine. I'll crash in another room. I want you to be comfortable." Sam rested his hand on her knee. He looked so good behind the wheel of the impala, such a shame that Dean doesn't let him drive more often. "Besides, your germs are already all over my room."

"I don't want you guys to get sick," Bella mumbled as Sam pulled into the bunker garage.

"Baby, we've already been exposed. We'll be okay. We just need to focus on you getting better now."

Sam opened the passenger door and carried Bella again, despite her complaints.

-----------------------

The results didn't take very long to come back positive. But it also wasn't a surprise either.

Cas returned to the bunker and with a touch of his hand, he was able to determine that Sam and Dean were healthy and safe.

"Can you help her?" Sam asked the angel. He sat on the bed next to Bella, brushing her long brown hair away from her face. Once, while she was resting and they were streaming something on Sam's laptop, he'd tried to braid her hair. It hadn't been too successful but it did the trick of pulling her hair away from her face and neck, preventing it from frizzing up more than it already did.

Cas sighed. "I can try but it's taking minor miracles to heal the people in the hospitals. Even still, I can't wipe it out of a person's system completely. It would be suspicious and could hinder man's search for proper treatments and cures. But for Bella, I can try." Cas stepped forward with his hand outstretched. Bella's tired brown eyes suddenly widened and held up a hand.

"W-wait, wait no. Stop," she managed to rasp out. Castiel looked utterly confused. Who would refuse a miracle? "If you can heal people. Make them better. Don't waste it on me."

"What? Baby, it's not a waste," Sam argued.

"No, you don't understand." Bella started coughing. "I'll be okay. But if Cas can do this…can I ask that he visit someone else?" Realization ran across Sam's features.

"Your grandmother." Bella nodded.

"Oh, of course," Cas agreed without further questions. Dean led his friend out of the room, offering to get him your address.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I should've thought of that too. I'm sorry," Sam said, his face twisted up in guilt. He settled deeper into the bed beside Bella and she shifted so that she rested her head on his chest rather than a pillow.

"It's okay," Bella said, and she really meant it.

"I can't stand seeing someone I care about in pain." Sam seemed to be speaking into the silence filling his bedroom, the room he'd relinquished to Bella. A room he didn't sleep in right now, but spent just about every other waking moment in. Bella winced as she readjusted, snuggling closer to Sam.

"You care about me?" Sam's chuckle reverberated in his chest, muffling the sound of his heartbeat--Bella's favorite lullaby.

"You must be really sick because you sound crazy. Of course I care about you, sweetheart." Sam pressed his lips to the top of her head.

"My body hurts," Bella said a moment later, the pain bringing tears to her eyes.

"What can I do?"

"Just hold me? Maybe get rid of the blanket?" Just moments ago, she'd been shaking, so cold and sweaty. Now it was too much.

"Yeah, okay." Sam slithered out from under Bella. He did as she asked, removing the duvet and then adjusted her position in bed with more pillows. He turned off the light as well, setting up his laptop per their usual lounging routine nowadays.

"Sam?" His giant figure had been lost to the shadows of his room. But hearing the fear in her voice, Sam returned to the bed.

"Hey, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

Bella sighed. "But you could still get sick. You shouldn't be here." Sam removed his shirt. Bella blinked and somehow missed out on watching him change into his pajama pants. And then he climbed into the bed.

"I'm not leaving you. I won't leave you alone. So many people are going through this alone but I won't let you, Bella. I'm not going anywhere."

 -----------------------------------------------

Tagging:  @abbessolute @book-loving--anime-chick @faithtrustandpixiedust95​ @fabinapercabeth4179​ @sanya-gryff​ @softdudebro​ @thinkwritexpress-official​ @autoblocked​ @karazoiel​ @therealcap​ @mathle0matle​ @whoopxd​ @bookworm4ever99​ @geeksareunique​ @pottxrwolff​ @ravenhaviland​ @clockblobber​ @melaninspice11​  @gryffindorable713​ @feelmyroarrrr​ @mrswhozeewhatsis​

[littlemisslovelovelove3]

If this comes across your dashboard, just ignore it. I’m stressing out but it’s 4am and everyone I could normally talk to is sleeping, so I’m basically using this as a digital venting session/journal entry because it’s easier than digging out all my actual journaling stuff.

I don’t know what’s going on with me tonight but I’m feeling very off. I’m feeling an intense urge to cry like I haven’t felt in years despite nothing of importance happening. And not like “aww I’m a little sad” but like “I want to sob like the love of my life just died” cry. The ugly, splotchy face, runny nose, can’t catch your breath kind of crying session that dominated my childhood. (I had a very good childhood- I was just hella dramatic and still am. I was never a weeper, I was an all out crier)

My sleep schedule has been fucked up for like the 300th time this year where I am wide awake all night and sleeping all day, or at least some variation of that. I’m so tired all the time but there have been more nights this year than any other year in recent memory that I’ve struggled this much with sleep. I used to be out almost as soon as my head hit the pillow and now it’s not uncommon for me to be wide awake at 8am having not gone to sleep at all. And I’m sure not seeing a decent amount of sunshine isn’t helping, but once I finally manage to pass out, I’m out. It’s not always restful, but it’s better than no sleep at all.

I’m struggling to focus on anything for a decent length of time- I’ve bought an ~obscene~ number of books, started half a dozen of them and none of them are holding my interest. I used to be able to fly through 800 page books in under 2 days and now I can’t even read a 472 page book in 3 weeks. I’ve read some fan fiction to see if that will help my reading slump but it’s been touch and go on those too.

I’ve tried watching tv and with the exception of the few shows I watch at night with my mother, I’ve been unable to get through any new or currently started shows. I restarted Rizzoli & Isles and haven’t been able to make it through the first season of a whopping 10 episodes. I’m beyond behind on Doctor Who, I lost interest in my favorite show of all time Buffy the Vampire Slayer, stopped Angel and haven’t been able to get through episode 2 of The Queen’s Gambit. Even picking a tv show has been hard. I was never good at making simple decisions before but now I’m hopeless.

The only movies I’ve watched lately are with my mom or the kids movies I watch with my friend’s son that I nanny for part time. He’s a great kid and I live him like he was my own, but I can’t watch The Addams Family one more time. It’s great but damn kid pick one of the other 50,000 available options.

I scroll through social media a lot but even that bores me. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, tumblr, tiktok, Snapchat- none hold my attention for very long. Except maybe tiktok because I’m pretty sure it’s digital crack but sometimes even it bores me.

I’ve been awful about going to the gym. I used to go 4-6 times a week and lately it’s been once a week and only because I pay for a group session with a trainer. It’s literally me and 1-3 other women depending on the day. And I can feel myself losing endurance, muscle and strength.

We aren’t going home for Christmas and while I absolutely understand why, I’m incredibly devastated that I won’t see my sisters, their families and my extended family this year. Sure I saw my one sister and her family in June but there’s something about going home for Christmas that is always extra special to me. We’re (my parents, brother and I) are going to miss out on my nephew’s second Christmas and the first one he’ll be able to really enjoy. He was 4 weeks at his first Christmas so he basically slept the whole time. We already missed his first birthday and while we’ve FaceTimed a bunch, it’s not the same.

And I was really hoping to see my grandpa, but he’s 91 and I could never forgive myself if I exposed him to covid. But I’m also scared about the very real possibility of never getting to see him again. His wife, my grandmother died 2 years ago and if I had known that the last time I saw her was the last time, I would’ve hugged her a little tighter and told her how much I love her. I miss her every day. I catch myself still calling the house “their home” or “grandma and grandpa’s”. Calling it “grandpa’s” still feels foreign to me. The idea that I’ll be missing Christmas with my dad’s family for the first time in my life is not sitting well with me.

My head gets it- there’s a fucking pandemic raging and traveling is ill advised but my heart doesn’t care, as melodramatic as it sounds. It’s like my body wants to go home to my hometown and back to where I grew up like it’s somehow going to be a source of comfort. Even though it’s not the same as it was when I lived there. I moved away 5 years ago and it kept on growing and changing despite my naïve belief it would stay the same.

So basically I’m feeling incredibly nostalgic and stressed. My anxiety is raging and I’m pretty sure the antidepressant my psychiatrist prescribed me isn’t doing much. I’m not having dark thoughts like I was in the spring when I first started seeing him, but I still don’t feel like myself. I’m also unemployed which is definitely not helping matters. I have savings and live with family but that’s not a long term solution. But my family is all high risk for covid and there aren’t many jobs around me right now that a) pay enough and b) can limit exposure.

If it weren’t wildly inappropriate I’d drive myself to my friend’s house right now and go snuggle his dog and/or cat right now, because honestly I feel like that would help. But I’ll wait until the morning when he’s at work so I don’t scare the shit out of him. Full disclosure if you’ve actually been reading this and made it this far- I’ve been given a key and explicit permission to go to his house and squeeze his pets. Tomorrow I might actually take him up on the offer. I may even bring the dog back to my place, which again, I’ve been given permission to do.

Adult friendships are weird y’all. My friends and I all have keys or security codes to each other’s homes and using them happens on a more frequent basis than I would’ve anticipated. My house has become the Friday night landing zone for after work (for them) drinks, relaxation and occasionally dinner. Which is so foreign to me because for the last couple years all my friends lived in other cities and/or states, so actually being even somewhat social again has been jarring. Between not having friends nearby and the damn pandemic it’s been really really fucking weird.

I’m sure the pandemic is a major reason I’m feeling so out of sorts, but it’s not going away any time soon and I feel like I need to figure out some of my shit or at least find some healthy ways of coping to survive. Not anything crazy- I’m not suicidal- I’m just super dramatic and also realize that I don’t want my anxiety and depression to keep controlling me like it feels like it has been. I’m big on needing to feel like I’m in control even the littlest bit, so this whole situation is making me feel very unbalanced and I’m not a fan.

And now that I’ve at least written this out I’m actually feeling somewhat better. The stress is still here but it doesn’t feel as overwhelming as it did earlier. It helped I cried while writing about my grandmother. One day I hope I won’t get overly emotional when thinking about or talking about her, but I’m ok with that being not today.

It’s kinda cliché but the whole “it’s ok to not be ok” mantra is really accurate for me right now. I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world feeling overwhelmed right now with everything going on and I certainly won’t be the last.

[thatonemultifandom]

Warning: kinda?? spoilers for Miraculous Season 4

so i'm actually really excited for miraculous seaso n 4 even though it's been confirmed that due to this horrible pandemic known as covid-19 it will be delayed until 2021. fuck you coronavirus.

i guess it'll be hard to adjust to season 4 what with master fu being gone and everything. but it'll be interesting to see how marinette copes with hiding not only tikki but also the other kwamis and the miracle box. it could be fun, having little cute companions around you while you're doing your homework, but it could also become increasingly difficult to hide them and the secret of being ladybug. i also really hope that marinette's still in contact with master fu and that we'll see more of him in season 4 even if he's unable to support marinette any longer.

one interesting aspect of miraculous that i've been thinking about is based on the last bit of season 3 "heart hunter" - marinette's breakdown. marinette broke down crying to luka saying that she has way too many responsibilities, which is true because she has school, helping out in the bakery, designing, babysitting, being ladybug, dealing with bitches like chloe and lila, and then she had to give up adrien for kagami, and now master fu is gone and there's no wise old person there for her who actually knows she's ladybug that she can confide in. and she's only a junior high student so maybe 13 years old? 14? my poor girl has to go through so much :( i wanna see her break down again, but this time get real, proper comfort. it could be from anyone - her parents, tikki, adrien, CAT NOIR. (my heart is warmed from imagining all the kwamis hugging marinette's face softly as she cries ahhhhh)

speaking of chloe. a lot of people were pissed because chloe was actually doing so well in season 2 and 3, then in the finale her entire character development just got thrown out the window. i want to see how chloe treats ladybug from now on instead of being an obsessive fan. i want to see if she just ignores ladybug or she actually goes out of her way to make ladybug miserable - which of course adds to marinette's stress.

and then there's adrien and kagami. at the end of miracle queen we see that adrien treats kagami affectionately - definitely not "just a friend". so naturally we assume that they're already a couple. but remember at the start of the episode when adrien rejected her kiss? he's still unsure because he does like kagami, but a part of him is attached to ladybug. trust me, it's very hard to let go of someone you love. i think a plot point for season 4 is that adrien and kagami could become some sort of couple, but they eventually breakup because kagami can sense that adrien doesn't actually LOVE her, well at least not as much as another girl. kagami isn't stupid. she will definitely catch on to it.

also kagami and marinette's friendship might get very strained, but unlike chloe and lila, kagami won't actually bully marinette or act smug about "getting" adrien. we know that kagami wants to date adrien but she also wants to stay friends with marinette. she just chose a boy over a friend. which is reasonable in this case because she doesn't even know marinette that well and they've only been friends for a short while. maybe kagami might try to make up with marinette, or - surprise surprise - she might even feel extremely guilty for making marinette sad and give up adrien herself. this last bit's a little unlikely but it's possible. marinette might ignore kagami and adrien so she won't hurt herself any further, and adrien might wonder why, like the dense little brick he is.

then there's lila and marinette. according to the miraculous wiki their feud has ended, but i actually believe that lila still holds a grudge against marinette and will definitely try to piss her off more because her life job is clearly ruining peoples lives. but to be honest, i think that lila won't target marinette any longer but kagami, since she's the one who could (possibly) be adrien's girlfriend.

tumblr won't let me write any more so i'll end it here. sorry for the abrupt ending.

[purplesurveys]

1063

survey by pinkchocolate

Have you done any of the same things as me this year? (2020 edition)

Planned a shopping spree with a friend?

Visited a shopping centre/mall? Malls are extremely commonplace here and honestly they already serve as the main tourist attractions if you find yourself in Manila, which is why Manila has never been a popular tourist destination itself (foreign tourists usually head to neighboring provinces, which is smart on their end). I’ve been to malls at least 20-30 times this year, but that’s only because of the pandemic. I probably go close to 50-70 times in a normal year.

Had lunch with a friend? Yeah I caught lunch with Angela a couple times at the start of the year. I had a one-photo-a-day gimmick on Instagram, and I’m pretty sure I have a photo of her in there during one of our lunch dates.

Ordered pizza at a restaurant? Again, at the start of the year. Gab and I loved Italian restaurants so we definitely ordered pizza several times.

Been in a department store? I needed to briefly enter one a couple of weeks ago to look for gift wrappers.

Bought pretty new lingerie?

Had coffee with a friend? Yeah Gab and I had study dates at coffee shops every single week. Now, obviously, I just take myself.

Bought DVDs?

Had a cold?

Bought toiletries as a gift for someone else?

Had dinner in a restaurant with your family? Yeah I’m fairly certain we did this at least a couple of times between January and early March. The last time I dined in anywhere was a month ago, but I was only with my parents and my siblings didn’t come along.

Had one of your kitchen appliances break? Our plumbing is a little fucked in general and sometimes we’ll have minor leaks on the floor. My dad’s knives have also gotten a bit dull, so I got him a new knife set for Christmas. But no damage to appliances.

Watched a movie at the cinema?

Struggled for food when the panic buying began? We struggled in that it was a bitch to enter the groceries at first. My dad did the grocieries for us during that time and that was back when they strictly enforced the number of people allowed in the supermarket at one time; and no matter how early he queued, there was always already a line that got there before him. He’d wait around three hours and once he was finally let in, a bunch of alleys or sections in the grocery would already be empty or at least close to becoming empty. We never went hungry or had to skip meals or anything like that, but I do remember having to make do with lesser-known brands we never used before because sometimes those would be the only options left at the grocery.

Wanted to hug a friend, but didn't because you had to social distance? I hugged Angela when I saw her a couple of days ago, and I also hugged Gab when we were still together. 

Felt afraid of Covid? My fears over it have tamed over the year, to be honest; but I’m still wary, of course. I hate it when people stand near me and I follow the safety protocols everywhere I go.

Felt afraid to leave the house? Only during the peak of the virus, from March to around May or June. Nowadays I kinda have to go out every now and then for the sake of my sanity.

Deliberately avoided watching the news because it made you feel upset? I mean I took up journ lol so I always watch the news, no matter how upsetting it can get. The one and only time I remember asking my sister to switch the channel was when there was a report on animal abuse.

Had to cancel plans for your birthday? I didn’t have plans for it in the first place, or at least I didn’t have the chance to make them yet, so I’m glad there was nothing to cancel.

Spent your birthday at home? This was the only choice I had. My birthday fell on the most serious and strictest phase of the quarantine, and this was back when nothing was open yet.

Collected a parcel from your doorstep? Online shopping is a norm for me now, lol. I used to not trust it, but now I probably buy at least one item a week.

Eaten an entire box of chocolates in one day? I don’t even like chocolate that much. That sounds so uncomfortably sweet.

Drank fruit flavoured cider?

Eaten birthday cake? Sure, we had cake for my mom’s, my aunt’s, and my cousin’s/godson’s birthdays.

Had a grandparent move into long-term care? My remaining grandparents are all fortunately still very healthy.

Kept a journal of your thoughts and feelings during lockdown? This is technically it, whether’s there’s a lockdown or not. I tried starting a journal after my breakup, but I couldn’t keep it up because my wrist strains easily from handwriting now, hahaha. I find that doing surveys suffice.

Had distressing dreams/nightmares related to the pandemic? No, but about other pressing events in my life.

Felt concerned about your financial situation? Not mine but my family’s.

Returned to a social platform that you took a break from? I left Facebook for a few months after the breakup. I’m back on it again because I had missed the memes, but I also want to permanently delete that account for good, open a new one, and just add the people I want to keep having in my circle. Like I love Gabie’s family to death but I don’t see the point in being Facebook friends with them still, and it actually feels kinda awkward now still seeing them on my list. Idk. We’ll see. I might keep my account or start a new one altogether.

Missed a past hobby or interest? I mean I missed going to malls and bars and going out with my friends, if that counts as an interest. I had to do much less of that this year.

Started a new hobby? I started doing embroidery about a month ago, and a few days ago I started working out. My body is as sore as all fuck, but at least it makes me feel good about myself. For the new year, I also plan on starting a skincare routine after 22 years of not doing anything with my face lol and maybeeee start experimenting with coffee and buy different kinds of beans just because?? Idk, I have a lot of cute hobbies planned out for next year haha I’m excited to see how it goes.

Joined some new Facebook groups? Both for work and personal purposes, yep.

Made some new friends online? I definitely like that I’ve become closer and more familiar with the survey community here. I feel like I barely interacted with anyone pre-Covid, when real life was still a bit more hectic and when it was more difficult to find time to relax and sit down and read everyone’s answers. I also became friends with Justine, Angel, and Bianca when I started as an intern at my workplace.

Felt annoyed because you saw someone without a mask? Everyone wears a mask in public, and there are always people assigned to monitor and lightly scold those stubborn enough to take their masks off. So this isn’t the case, but what I do find annoying is when people stand or walk too close to you. Just last week at the grocery this lady was close enough to be breathing down my neck when I was lining up at the cashier; being non-confrontational for the most part, it felt like being in the deepest pit of hell.

Felt like people were staring at you when you wore a mask? I feel like people are more likely to stare at people who DON’T have a mask. 

Bought new stationery? My sister has tons of stationery in her room for whatever reason; when I need one to write short notes or letters, I just ask for some from her. 

Video-called your extended family and friends? For sure. We did this a lot especially during the earlier parts of the year.

Written a letter to someone you missed?

Disagreed with the behaviour of a friend?

Felt surprised when someone wanted to be your friend? No one directly said it to me; but as an intern on my first day of the job, it was a really pleasant surprise to find that the co-interns I was going to be with weren’t boring, unemotional cogs who just aimed to do work. They were HILARIOUS from the get-go, was confused as fuck about work, and I could see they just wanted to make our tiny intern family a close-knit and happy group, to which I gladly agreed and went along with.

Bought a new pair of shoes? I got new shoes meant for my first job interview, but I haven’t gotten any brand new sneakers in a while :(

Replaced some toiletries that you ran out of during lockdown? I guess? Toiletries are necessities, so.

Bought some new books? I read new ones, but I didn’t buy them. Some I saw copies of on the internet; one was given as a gift to me.

Bought new cosmetics? I don’t use those.

Received a belated birthday present?

Received a present from a friend overseas?

Discovered a new author that you liked?

Felt like you were drifting away from people you were once close to? *A person. Yeah, well.

Found out that someone you knew had contracted Covid?  She’s a mutual friend from my high school days. We aren’t close but we’ve kept in touch by still following each other on social media. She wrote about her experience with Covid on a blog entry.

Realised you had formed a deep connection with someone? I got a lot closer with Andi both because we had to work together for our thesis and because they were there for me, unconditionally and untiringly, when I was coping with my breakup and was in rough shape.

Worried about the financial situation of someone close to you? Of my family, like I said, yes. We had to sell the Vitara because the money that pours into the household monthly isn’t enough to keep paying for it. To be fair, that car was a very big impulse buy by my dad, so we didn’t and don’t feel too bad about losing it hahaha. 

Let your guard down to someone? I don’t think so. I was on red alert this year since Gab increasingly broke my trust.

Had an issue with something on social media? Yeah, but I don’t want to get into it. That was such a long time ago and is so irrelevant now.

Felt disconnected from others? I deliberately did so three months ago, so much so that I had acquaintances I barely talked to since graduating talk to Andi and ask where I’ve been.

Changed your internet provider? We’ve had the same one for like 8-9 years now. It works pretty okay for five people who stream videos all day, so we haven’t felt the need to switch.

Felt fortunate/thankful? I mean I’m here, scar-less, and happy with myself on December 31, 2020, right?

Tried some new foods that you enjoyed? Baked sushi is so fucking good.

Re-read a book that you loved? Crazy Is My Superpower by AJ Mendez (aka my favorite girl wrestler, AJ Lee) is always a good read to come back to.

[floralgothpersephone]

Top Fave Fandoms

@akai-vampire tagged me in one of these fun little tag games. Thanks darlin! <3 <3 <3 I appreciate the thought! 

Rules:  Name your top 10 fav character from 10 different fandoms (and tag 10 people).  

Most people are putting in .gifs for each fandom... but I wrote a ... well a paragraph about my experience in each fandom instead because I am feeling some deep sort of nostalgia these days and felt like reflecting... so its all under a read more tag if you are interested in my ramblings. 

In order of my own discovery, and not importance! 

Twilight: Team Edward. don’t @ me, it was my first fandom experience and I wrote SO MUCH fanfiction before I knew it was even a thing. I published it on DeviantART thinking I was so clever, and finding fanfic dot net was WILD. My interest in that fandom was immediately crushed dead the day after Breaking Dawn was officially released and I realized I had read better fanfiction then what cannon gave me. I never even saw the movies because my interest was just gone. *shrugs* But the re-emergence of Twilight recently is giving me life. 

Teen Titans: BBRae... Then RobRae.... then RaeX.... then StarRae... then CyRae... listen.... Raven deserves all the love and attention??? Also, I was in this fandom back when the original series was being released and was in complete denial when it got canceled. And for years I was just reading fanfiction that had been completely abandoned as fanfiction authors just kinda disappeared one by one? It was like, interacting of pieces of history left behind in a void. I was still deep in the Teen Titan fandom when Teen Titans GO! Got released. So during that very very long time of zero new content, I got to re-evaluate all of my fanfiction standards and completely read most every single Teen Titan fic ever written in my thirst for more. Suddenly ships didn’t matter as much to me, I’d take anything and everything. So when Teen Titans GO! Came out, I LIKED IT AND STILL DO. I still think the years and years and years of being in the Teen Titans fandom and being pretty damn isolated from social interaction kinda ruined me for fandoms that are still alive. Social fandom interaction??? hahahahaha, whats that??? 

Akagami no Shirayukihime: Obiyuki... this was a complete accident and I only fell into this fandom because my fave Teen Titans fandom author was writing for it, and I was reading the fanfiction without ever seeing the show, and like, kinda loved these characters a TON??? Oh no??? Real talk, I read most of the fanfiction published by the fandom before ever actually watching the actual tv show or reading the actual manga. But the fanfiction was so good and so engaging and I was learning all about these characters through this mystery game of putting all the parts together by all the different authors??? I loved learning about these characters through the people who love them the most, and it was magical. But then that became my dirty dark secret as I was suddenly welcomed into one of the most kindest and generous online communities I have ever met??? I have nothing but absolute love for the Obiyuki fandom and family. I had never experienced that kind of community before and looking back on it I still don’t think it was real, stuff like that you can only dream of sometimes. I sat down and actually read that manga and Fiona sat with me so that I watched the tv series so that I could properly engage with them because I liked the people so much. And when life hit me square in the face and I had a complete mental breakdown in grad school, and socializing with people online would give me complete anxiety attacks... and I had to step away from it. But I still mourn loosing that, and I keep trying every so often to see if I can interact again but I fear some chapters just close, and I hold the time I had with it, and the memories from then very lovingly. I will finish those fanfictions though. Even though I have no idea what has happen in the manga anymore I want to at least finish those stories like what they deserve. 

Miraculous Ladybug: Love Square. Sooo much love square. All the love square. Only the softest, gentlest, most innocent fluff to cope with the world and all my anxieties, and this stupid show gave me all of that. Plus, there was so much fanfiction to choose from that I was actually able to use tags and warnings to be able to navigate finding things that were safe and not feeling like my options were limited? It was so good to me. I also had never actually watched this show, and was only reading fanfiction of it for... honestly a full year. And when I did actually watch the first 2 seasons... I still didn’t watch the new episodes when they got released, because I much prefer watching the fandom loose their collective mind and getting to play the mystery game of what the hell happened in the show according to the little spoilers and the things people were screaming about. It was fun spectating, and putting it all together. Then reading the fix-it fanfiction and being like “whoa wait, hold up CANON DID WHAT???” ... Honestly I am pretty certain I still haven’t seen at least 10 episodes. But I know everything that happened now! Have I mentioned that I have an insane amount of anxiety of actually watching tv shows on my own? I must have company or else it will never happen. Shout out to Fiona for sitting down and watching Ladybug episodes with me while I screamed into a pillow. And for the record, I did start writing a fanfiction for this one. But I learned my lesson and decided not to post anything until it was finished so I didn’t have to live with the guilt of yet another unfinished story to my name. It was a little mermaid AU, and Adrien is the mermaid princess obviously, while Marinette is a badass pirate. It was fun to outline and write like, 3 chapters but i doubt I will ever actually finish it. 

Greek Mythology: Hades/Persephone. Yoooo this is my current thing. I am living for the walking contradiction of the powerful stern Lord of the Underworld falling for a little tiny goddess of Spring... and then finding out the little tiny ray of sunshine is really a complete force of nature to be reckoned with and he just crowned her Queen of the Dead. Beautiful. Poetry. *chefs kiss*  Also. I DON”T HAVE TO WATCH ANYTHING. AND ALSO. ITS AN ANCIENT STORY SO LIKE, NO SPOILERS TO NAVIGATE. lol. But honestly this is just a re-awakening of little middle school Becca who was obsessed with the Odyssey and was learning how to throw pottery so that she could actually date her pots, to help out the archaeologists in the future. (honest to god, that one of my main motivations as a little 6th grader making her first pots on wheel) And she was making these super shitty small greek pots and giving them to her English teacher because her English teacher loved the Odessey too. And then Greece had a complete economic collapse and crushed all of baby-Becca’s dreams to get to travel to Greece and see the greek pottery. And she delt with that heartbreak by pretending it didn’t matter and went and found other cool pottery to fall in love with instead. But now its back with a vengeance and once again Becca’s plans to go to Greece got destroyed by yet another economic collapse but this one is just Pandemic style. I am going to get to Greece so help me gods.  And yes, I have written fanficiton for this one too, and its honestly like, pretty fleshed out and written down heavily in my notes. I just have to like, type it all out and polish it. But, we will see. I am not allowed to have nice things until I finish the stories that are already posted. :[ 

Hadestown: Hades and Persephone, love that made the world go round. This gets its own bullet because its a different category because its a Musical even if its also a Greek Myth. And talk about reading all the fanfiction before seeing the source material. But isn’t that the case with most Broadway musicals? LOL. But its okay, I actually went and SAW the musical for this one, and once again, Fiona joined me. I’m starting to wonder if my Fiona is just my fandom anxiety buddy. Also shout out to the Rona for canceling my plans to see it again, not once, but twice now. (I have to go back because I didn’t get to see Amber Gray perform the first time, and hello I am obsessed with Persephone she is my favorite and I really really really just need to hear Amber growl in person okay???) I do have nightmares that she has left the show for good and I will never see her perform Persephone. Like legitimately have had that nightmare multiple times this week. I am just recently trying to navigate the Hadestown fandom on tumblr and still fumbling around with that. No fanfiction for this one yet, but I am making fan-pottery so like. That counts. 

Aaaaand you only get 6 fandoms because these are the only 6 that truly matter. Anything else I have been interested in has only been a passing fancy and never one of the true hyperfixations. Also if you got this far and actually read everything, well done, I am impressed. Thanks for taking interest in my ramblings.  <3 

If I am tagging you its cause I want to play the game, don’t feel pressured if you don’t want to play. <3

@bookloverfio @ruleofexception @wingsofgossamer @claudeng80 @puns-are-funs65 @ourladyoftheundcrground @peachdoxie 

[orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries]

Break the cycle.

It’s been such a long while since I’ve been doing my writing, and I think that was a huge ass mistake. Been going down the spiral again, or have been for months. Friends have been feeling stressed for me too, and I absolutely fucking hate that I’ve been bringing them distress because I’m such a mess of figuring out my feelings and overthinking every single detail and scenario, etc. 

I’ve been thinking for a bit about what made me the way I am... Sometimes it feels like it was how I grew up. I mean, I love my parents, but there’s definitely some toxicity. I always suppressed myself - emotions, even being sick, because somehow the blame goes back to me. And growing up always being compared to that one cousin who does everything better, the critiques about every single little thing. The non-communication. Just arguments and quarrels, and then brush everything under the rug, pretend all is well. 

Which is why it scares me at how things are going with me and the guy I’m interested in... We don’t communicate much/well either. We don’t really have too much in common, we don’t really talk about much. Sure, the small talk is kinda sweet at times, the morning texts, someone checking if you’d eaten. Am I expecting too much too fast? Maybe because I feel like I don’t know him well enough that I can’t say that I truly like him. Maybe my confusion for my feelings confused him. My stress stressed him out. 

There’s also the disappearing mid convos, the selective replying, not initiating, not really keeping up convos... But for some reason I also can’t just let it go. I see it, but I brush it off. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe he was interested but thought I wasn’t interested. Maybe I messed up, maybe a bit too much that it can’t be fixed. 

Or am I just defending him again? Am I being blind-sided because of my feelings, because I’m holding on to the sense of comfort that he gave me when we spoke? Is it because I’m also clinging to the past, the fact that I didn’t try enough back when with the college guy, that he made me so anxious, that this time with this guy I felt comfort with, that I managed to try with, that is still somewhat sorta around? But I also shouldn’t let the past determine my present. 

This whole thing has been going on in a cycle for months. Us talking, things going good, he disappears for a bit, I worry and overthink. Sometimes I try again, sometimes I wait for him to return, and then tell myself to just keep it friendly, but then something happens and I fall again right back into this cycle. 

I thought I picked myself up enough and learnt to love myself. I really did. I was more open and chill, I didn’t really overthink, I had this period of peace and calm. But somehow my insecurities kick in and I seem to lose myself when I find myself catching feelings. I get afraid of how much I show my love that I pull back, and then I start to worry that they’re gonna leave. 

Maybe it’s also the fact that I’m almost 24 and haven’t been in a single relationship. I know, some people would say that’s alright. You don’t need a relationship and all that. But since a long time, I had always known I wanted to get married and have my own family. I wanted to be loved this way. 

Or am I holding on too hard/much? Maybe it’s time to just let it go.

It takes greater strength to truly let go. To resist not sending that one extra text. To stop talking about him, to stop thinking about him. I mean, if he cared, he would try too. He would check in. He would be there. But also, the odd thing is that he does check in at times. Does he still want to keep me as a friend but nothing more? Also, why am I clinging to the bare minimum? Maybe he was interested before but moved on. Things change, people change. It does seem like he’s not really interested in really talking or meeting anymore and is just trying to let me down easy. Maybe it’s just time to come to terms that: He’s Just Not That Into You (yep back to this movie again, and a heartbreak playlist too).

But then again, it’s unfair of me to make the decision for him if he’s never even given the option. I can’t be the one who decides that I’m too much for him or too much of a mess, I can’t be the one who decides whether this is too much of an effort, or something we could work with together. 

Should I tell him? If i do, it might be awkward and weird, good news is at least I don’t really see him around at work anymore. Things probably won’t be the way it was. It might also turn out good. Or I could lose him as a friend forever. 

Also trying to balance wanting to keep him as a friend while moving on. I can’t exactly avoid or ignore him if I hope to stay friends, and it’s not on him since I haven’t told him what I’m feeling. 

Or we could just leave it up to fate? If it works out, it works out. If it’s meant to be, well... But this was something I also considered back then, instead of just leaving it to fate, what if I fought harder? 

See, this is how much I’ve been overthinking every scenario and possibility. I’m truly thankful for my friends for their support and advice, especially when I’ve caused them distress too. Which I’m truly sorry for too. Not just to them, but to my parents, family, colleagues and more. 

I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve noticed that I went from my sunshine personality to stormy again... Being more tired exhausted, the loss of appetite, the mood swings, the sadness, the anger. But then looking at the pics that I’ve taken with friends, that smile. How do I wear my mask so well? 

I had really neglected myself this time while I was busy chasing him, along with the whole stress of work and its changes. Learning to go back and noticing my thoughts, separating myself from them, learning to cope with my overthinking and expectations. Going back to breathing exercises to calm my anxiety. 

And a close friend just told me that I’ve completely changed. Yes, I’m being more open nowadays, but then I’ve been a mess with all these guys and relationship stuff. I’ve been letting myself be more open and befriending guys, but not with the intention of dating, maybe I should be clearer about that? But i mean.. guys and girls can be friends, can’t we? 

But okay, prior to this moment, which I totally agree with her that I’m losing my shit, I was feeling better. I feel like I’ve finally let go some of my expectations (again), and I’m starting to see a glimpse of the old me again. It’s not as painful or upsetting anymore that he isn’t around, I’m just thankful that we’re talking. I’m focusing on other stuff, I’m not dwelling, and I’m able to say or initiate without worrying too much. Maybe that’s just what it has to be. 

I was even able to ask my friend/colleague to eat and chill, super impromptu too (learning from these boys now). It was nice and I really wanted his advice about this whole thing, but I didn’t really know how to. He did ask about him, since they got to see each other kinda briefly, but I guess I didn’t know how to bring it up. And he also had to leave to continue work. Maybe tomorrow. 

And also finally getting to talk to my counsellor again after all these months, maybe even a year or so. It was nice to finally tell her about it, especially the guy stuff, since she knew how things went with the college guy back then. I never tried, I never told him. At least this time I’m trying, still unsure about the telling. But anyway, she said she’s proud of me, and that really meant a lot. 

Also took the step back to 7 Cups, and I found this article about how when we get afraid of hurting others, we in turn cause ourselves anxiety: 

Everywhere you go, you walk on eggshells. You censor each thought, editing your words carefully. You overthink your every move, questioning yourself over and over again. Somehow, your interactions with others never go smoothly, and your conversations always seem to take more effort than they should. That’s what it’s like to live in fear of hurting others. It’s hard to be yourself when you’re constantly worried about how other people will perceive what you have to say and do. When your fear of hurting someone else’s feelings is stronger than your desire to bring who you are and what you think to the surface, life becomes a whole lot tougher.

It’s understandable and commendable to care for others to be mindful of how you treat the people you care about. But it becomes an issue when your sensitivity to what others want makes you suppress what you are truly looking for. Do you find it intolerable to hurt someone you love, even if it’s unintentional? Do you experience shame, guilt, or concerns about being a bad person, and as a result, you avoid saying what’s on your mind and push away your feelings? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re probably suppressing yourself. This can be bad for your relationships and can create chronic anxiety in your life.

I’ve also went back to look at some of my old posts, hopefully to get the courage, the reminder that next time I found myself catching feelings, I would tell them. Did come across this nugget from my counsellor: there’s only 3 ways - move on, let it be, or do something. With the college guy, I let it be, I moved on, I had faith that if we were meant to be, we’d find our way back. But speaking with her today, she seems to think it’s not necessary to tell this guy since I’m unsure about it, but if I did want a clear answer, I should. 

Now to take a long shower and decide what’s the best move. Or just to clear my mind. Would go for another walk but went for 2 already today, which I should really make a daily thing, despite being exhausted from work. It’s therapeutic, just as writing this was. It’s time to push myself to do things again, of course not overly that it strains my mental health, but it’s time to break the cycle. 

Thanks for anyone who actually bothered to read any part or the whole of the long ass ramble. Hope everyone is doing alright amongst the whole covid pandemic. 

X

[awwchibi]

i just saw a post about ava+josh friendship and wanted to write yall my thoughts! i've been wondering for a some time how it kinda bothers me  to never see healthy relationship break-ups and specific to druck newgen that it would be unrealistic to see all relationships survive longterm. so i've been thinking, josh and nora are a beautiful couple but both found eachother in a time of emotional co-dependancy. sooo, the next druck season might be at least half a year away lemme propose the following:

josh and nora's relationship comes to a conclusive arc, as in that they both develop emotionally to a point in which they realise their relationship was less founded in mutual love but more in availability, attraction and a mirror to one's own situation. i'd really love to see josh grow from his pleasing and diminishing characteristics to setting firm boundaries and can see nora help him in doing so, since that is what she is too learning. For her i think it's important to come to a place where she doesn’t depend on a stead-fast (romantic) relationship for her emotional balance except the one to herself.

So I do see the both of them breaking up, but in good + mutual terms.

circling back, i do see ava and josh develop a friendship. in her season, i’d like to see nora & josh turn their relationship to a friendship early so josh keeps being around quite often without it being awkward. ava and them stay friends too obviously, and then ava’s lovejourney starts, she’ll have multiple love interests. my thoughts flow as follows:

while she is questioning wether or not there are romantic feelings for huelk. there is the mysteryelement of love again, which like she did in s5, now all, cashqueens + zoe& josh will discuss juicely. it’ll be excitement, joy and rose-tinted glasses. a lil love adventure and everyone is celebratin with her. the point is we’ll get a lot of talks about relationships, at some point either nora, josh or both talk with ava about their relationship and how it ended and how yes, in the end often people leave/ hurt but it is not neccessarily in the way we expect them too. since yes, her unhealed trauma will still be adressed, just not in hellweeks kinda way, but in healing.

ava’s journey of romance or not with huelk will continue. i think at times she’ll retract to her old coping mechanisms again, in her time of non-communication and attempted isolation, josh will be able to relate to her cuz our girl continues sharing the songs she’s listening too & self written lyrics. he too processes with music. seeing as she is self-isolating from her friends and she does not consider josh to be that kind of part of her friendcircle yet, she’ll allow herself to continue to talk with him. even if it’s just cryptically and music-related but they both understand what the other one is saying. long story short, season continues and the idea of her and huelk will move forward but SURPRISE ava realizes she isn’t in love with huelk but with JOSH. and guess what JOSH IS IN LOVE WITH AVA TOO. everybody is happy, black love for the win, the end!

also they’d have the possibility to adress and explore racism & colorism through conversations between all three black characters. would love a scene at a party (if we’ve left the pandemic behind us), where maybe the three of them end uo together just vibing about music and maybe at that point somebody plays some white gen z music but they all are still vibin and get into a conversation about their love of all kinds of music but in which way racism even messes with that. maybe they all realize how when they were younger all of them had this extreme love of white ppl songs because of pressurres to assimilate. they’ll throw in quibs like, we know our ppl invented or revolutinied all these music styles, and yet it was and still is such a difficult journey to find love and empowerment in their music taste just because racism messes so heavily with it.

bonus points if they’ll talk about miss e. badu, because most of us at some point will experience a rite of passage by being introduced to baduizm.

i do wanna say tho, I WANT AVA TO HAVE A HAPPY SEASON !! please do not be her season be a lecture about racism or colorism, yall did this in fatou’s season. ava suffered this season so much off-screen. why?

anyways the end of my ramblings.

[recentanimenews]

INTERVIEW: Open Mike Eagle Talks About Anime, Hip Hop, and Mental Health

    In celebration of Black History Month, Crunchyroll is releasing interviews with prominent Black figures across the anime world! Stay tuned for more announced features, or donate to Black Girls Code, which educates young girls of color to encourage careers in computer science and technology!

  As anime fandom has grown in the US, more and more celebrities and high profile artists have become open about their connection with the medium. Hip hop artist Open Mike Eagle has taken it a step further and made anime the central through line in his newest album. I had the pleasure of speaking with Mike over a Zoom call last October about the album, the anime that it references, and the importance of taking your mental health seriously. Here's that interview.

  Content Warning: This article contains frank discussions of mental health. We have included a list of mental health resources at the end of this article. Never be afraid to ask for help. We're all in this together.

    Crunchyroll: All right, so for any of our readers on Crunchyroll News who aren’t familiar with you or your work, could you just give us a brief introduction? 

  Open Mike Eagle: I’m Open Mike Eagle, I’m known primarily for being a rapper in the independent sphere. Also known for being kinda comedy adjacent, had a couple shows on TV. Uh … I don’t know what else to say.

  I think that’s perfect.

  Okay, good! Fantastic.

  I listened to Anime Trauma and Divorce. It’s really something. I wanted to ask about how it got started. Did you come up with a fully formed idea for the album first, or did it just sort of organically come together as you were writing songs?

  I was originally going to make an album about the magical link between anime and Black people in America, but in the midst of that process, life kinda happened to me. A lot. So I started writing about what was going on with me and ended up using anime as a coping mechanism, in a certain sense. And while I was exploring the stuff I was going through, the album started becoming more about me and my therapy journey.

    That’s super interesting because it feels so intentional all the way through, so it really does feel like a concept album. But that is an interesting point. I do think hip hop has been in conversation with anime for like, forever. I think Lupe Fiasco’s Lupin the Third line (from his verse in Kanye West’s “Touch the Sky” -ed.) was the first time I had ever heard Lupin the Third mentioned outside of Adult Swim. 

  I knew about Lupin the Third beforehand, and I was shocked to hear that line!

  What do you think it is about anime that really speaks to hip hop artists as well as marginalized people?

  I think it’s a power fantasy. I think that when you’re in situations that feel dire or circumstances that feel high pressure — bleak — it can be inspiring to see characters that often come from equally negative circumstances finding the power within to overcome. And feel like that’s what people end up connecting to. 'Cause I really don’t know, I really ... I’m fascinated by the question, but I don’t quite know the answer yet. 

  Yeah, I mean I’m sure there’s like a degree of it’s different for each person, but I really think you’re hitting on something there with ... there’s so many of these Shonen Jump protagonists who come from just broken, broken lives, but they’re able to find family and succeed. It really is empowering in a lot of ways.  

    I know that power fantasies are something you talk about a lot in the album, especially on “I’m a Jostar.” But so much of the album is so rooted in reality and confronting things. It’s not about escapism. What do you think the link is between like escapism and power fantasy and drawing strength in order to confront the very real things that people are going through?

  I think that it’s a reflection of my coping mechanisms which are increasingly based on trying to use tools based in therapy to just be able to sit with stuff and deal with it. I come from a lifetime of dissociation, so I think there’s a place on the album where I’m sitting. I’m sitting, and I’m very uncomfortable, and I’m trying to make healthy choices, but that becomes very overwhelming for me at times, because it’s very difficult, it’s very challenging. So I find myself hungering for the sort of escape that dissociation can provide. And in a way, that is kind of a comfort to me. And I find myself at a couple of places on the record, trying to invoke that. 

  Totally. Very different circumstances, but I, as a trans person, also come from a lot of dissociation, and anime’s really helped me build that space between the pain and where you are right now, and it gives you enough space to exist and not feel really bad for a minute, so I totally feel that. 

  Yeah, exactly that. The space to just exist for a second and not feel the weight of all the things that you’re trying to push through. 

  I know you’ve described this album as recounting, in large part, the worst year of your life, and I imagine there must’ve been a lot of personal catharsis from writing these songs. Is there something specific or special about rap that makes it suited to addressing pain and trauma?

  I do think that is inherent in the form, I think it’s underutilized that way, though. I think that the well-worn uses of it are for a kind of escapism. And in a sense, I had spent my career doing that, too, in a different way. Not in an escapism toward materialism or consumption; my escapism had always been using rap as a tool to “hold a mirror up to society” and like, you know, social commentary and that sort of thing. So I had to be reminded by my therapist that I have an outlet. A real, fully formed and developed outlet to deal with a difficult moment in my own life. That I have a vehicle. And a lot of people don’t. So she was trying to encourage me to use it, and in a sense, I found that space in hip hop to sit with it and it was new for me, too, even though I’ve always been a supporter of that kind of thing, I’ve never really done it myself. 

  That's super interesting to me. I think it sometimes feels like confessional art is restricted to white, well-to-do creators. There's this sense that the only people who are allowed the space for that are creators who are already privileged enough to afford therapists and already feel okay taking up that space publicly. 

  Yeah, I mean, putting out this project in the middle of a global pandemic, I’ve been challenged on that level, internally. I would think, “Is this the time to put out an album talking so directly about me and my stuff?” For me, the pressure wasn't about feeling like I didn't have the space — because my whole career has been about being confident that I can use a space to rap about whatever I feel like. My only boundary when it comes to the content I put out is that I never want to harm anybody else or denigrate anyone else. Beyond that, anything is permissible. It was never about feeling restricted for me, it was just about giving myself the permission to actually cross that line.

  I've tended to not like rap music that feels too personal. When I hear someone confess something in a rap song, I have the thought, "I don't feel like I should know about this. This sounds like something between you and this other person." Like when songs are explicitly about someone's dad or their ex. It feels like something I shouldn't be able to listen in on. When I encounter that in rap music, it's sort of off-putting to me, in that sense. But I feel like that's just a reflection of my own level of discomfort with vulnerability. That's something I've had to sit with — and I'm still sitting with — through the course of putting out this album, too.

    For what it’s worth, I think there is a masterful balance between being honest and confessional and being relatable and universal. I think there are a lot of people who are going to listen to this album and see themselves through it. It seems like when creating confessional art, there are these competing needs to be honest and vulnerable but also to be meaningful to your audience. 

  Yeah, I totally feel that. the interesting part about that for me as a writer is that I can never allow myself to think about that too much as I'm writing. I've learned that you can never predict who you're going to reach. You can never predict how people are going to interpret what you say and how it will resonate with them. You can never control it. When I've tried to in the past, I found it got in the way of my process because I was trying to quantify something you can never know ahead of time. I have to shut that train of thought down completely. I have to make the content that resonates with me, and it will always end up resonating with other people in ways I could never predict.

  That's such an interesting insight. I dunno, I feel like if I was creating art like this, I would get so caught up in my own head about things like, "Is this going too far? Am I not going far enough?" I think you really nailed it.

  Thank you, but I experienced that too. I have a history of having that sort of internal argument over whether I've gone too far or not far enough. Typically, what I've done in the past is if I thought a song was too much, I'd take it off of my album before it came out. But since this album was serving a specific therapeutic service for me, I couldn't do that. I had to move that line of what I felt was appropriate for public consumption. I had to pull it way closer in one direction, to the point where I felt like I was really putting everything out there. But then when I was listening to the demos, I got to one song where I realized, "Oh, this is ... this isn't even a song! This is literally just me saying that I feel bad in different ways, over and over again." I ended up rewriting that song. I certainly had to adjust my process going into this album. I had to really think about what constituted "too much."

Did the bones of that discarded song make it into any of the other ones that are on the album?

  I'd have to go back and give it a real thorough listen. As soon as I heard it come on, I got this really bad feeling, so I just went to something else. I remember that exact day, y'know? I was glad I didn't put it out. If you're saying that the album has a certain kind of balance, that would've tipped the scale! (laughs) That song may have tipped the scales, so I'm glad it didn't make it out into the world.

  It’s really cool that things can make themselves clear like that when you’re in the revising stage. 

  Yeah, and what that reflects for me is my learning to trust my instincts. I've learned through the course of putting out multiple albums that, when I hear something back, there's always this little voice saying, "This is really good. Keep working on it," or, "This is not that good, try something else." Sometimes the voice is really quiet, sometimes it's really loud. I've learned to be in tune with it, even when it's really quiet. If I ignore it, I end up with something on my album that irritates me beyond belief. At that point, the voice gets too loud about that particular thing and there's nothing I can do about it.

    That makes total sense to me. I noticed when I was looking at the album cover of Anime Trauma and Divorce there's a little bit of kanji on the side. It says 壊れた (kowareta), or "broken." Was that something you asked to be put on there? Because it's perfect.

  No, and I’m very afraid of messing stuff like that up. My graphic designer had to assure me that it said whatever he said it said, because that type of thing really frightens me deeply. So far I haven’t been told that it means something insane yet, so I still feel pretty okay about it.

  Well, I asked a fluent Japanese speaker what it meant, and they said “Oh, it means 'broken.’” So hopefully we’re doing good.

  That is appropriate. I didn’t want it to be like, “I love doughnuts,” or something. I was just very afraid, because I have no orientation in the language at all. 

  I understand that fear. That’s why I’m never going to get a tattoo of anything in a language that I don’t speak. There’s just that sense of like “I don’t know …”

  It happens to people, you know? People permanently get some terrible message on them. 

  Yeah, like I don’t want to get like “I’m a little peepee boy,” tattooed on my arm, or–

  RIGHT? Cause you’re NOT a little peepee boy! Y’know?

  Thank you! Neither are you!

  We’re not peepee boys.

    We don't want society to give us that label. Well, I wanted to get into a few of the specific songs. I think “Headass” is really, really striking. It’s like this embrace of your own flaws, in a way. And I wanted to hear about the connection between the song’s subject matter and Shinji from Evangelion, who’s referenced.

  Um, yeah man. “Headass” is about living in your head and that’s something that I have been guilty of for a lot of my life and it manifests itself in my life in different ways. I didn’t get a chance to watch Evangelion until it came out on Netflix, and he just struck me as the ultimate headass. I saw so much of myself in him and how he goes about life and yeah, I felt like he’s a great mascot for the headass.

  Yeah, I’m so interested in the anime that get drawn up in this album. Because you have these things like Jojo’s, which takes place in a super heightened, crazy reality, but then you also have Evangelion which is like … that’s not escapist at all. It's taking your dreams of being in a robot and turning them into like horrible realistic psychological trauma nightmare. 

  And I would say that the trauma in his life caused his own version of escapism and he kinda paints the world we see through that lens. So I think in some way I think that those are like, Evangelion on one side, Jojo's on the other side, those are kinda the two different side of the escapist coin. 

  Man, I never would’ve thought of that connection. But yeah, I think Evangelion’s just sort of the perfect thing to bring up in an album about so much pain and trauma. 

  Absolutely. Ultimate trauma anime. 

  via Netflix

  Seriously. It’s super interesting to me, too, that you brought up Shinji as someone you could relate to. I know that back in the '90s when it first came overseas and people were watching it on VHS tapes, there were all these guys who were like, “The show would be perfect if Shinji wasn’t in it.” 

  [laughs] That is hilarious. I mean, well to me, I would say that’s a bunch of people who don’t get it. But also, it’s art, so people can interpret it however they see fit. 

  Well, I think more than a fair few of them probably saw a little bit too much of themselves in Shinji to be comfortable with. Cause I don’t know, I think Shinji’s relatable to everyone. 

  I do, too! I mean, to me the show is Shinji. But I was one of the people who was perfectly satisfied with the end of the original show and didn’t need the movie, because to me what that end showed was like, “Oh, Shinji’s unprocessed trauma is pretty much creating this entire world. This is how he sees things, this is how he frames everything, because of all the stuff he’s been through that he hasn’t dealt with.”  So when he starts to deal with it, then suddenly we can be transported into a world where he sees these relationships in a more normal way, a more even-handed way. And to me, that’s the key to the show, so I didn’t need resolution of the fighting robots, I didn’t need that, cause to me the resolution was Shinji learning to see the world differently. 

  That’s exactly what it was. And I think that going back to the song, Shinji’s so perfect to bring up here because, I mean it’s that old therapy adage that you can’t start to fix all of your problems until you can love yourself, or at least be okay with yourself. And when you’re in a really dark place or you have a lot of unprocessed stuff, feeling like you need to love myself can feel like you’re being headass. But you can’t stop being headass until you learn to love yourself. 

  Yeah, it’s rough. I mean, you can be, when you live in your head there’s a lot of reasons not to stop doing that. There’s a lot of fear and trepidation in allowing your consciousness to inhabit your entire body. It’s easier to feel protected by staying up here and overthinking everything and not doing anything and analysis paralysis and that sort of thing.

  To quote Shinji: “I wanna run away.” 

  Yep. 'Cause it’s easy to do that, y’know?

  It is. 

    So I have to talk about “Everything Ends Last Year.” It was so, so sad, but so beautiful. And it comes at sort of like the midpoint of the album and it feels like this nexus point that everything else circles around. 

  Sure, 100 percent.

  There’s this line you say, and everyone’s been writing about it, “it’s October and I’m tired,” and I saw that you wrote that literally a YEAR ago, in 2019. And it just feels like the gravity of that line was so real in 2019 that it just echoed into this year and it’s more relevant than ever. 

  I mean yeah. If I thought I was tired last year, you know what I’m saying [chuckles]. I couldn’t’ve imagined the world we’d be in, a year later. Where I wrote that line, it’s very personal to me, and how I was feeling, and we’ve now entered a world where that is the most relatable and accessible line probably on the entire project. 

  Definitely. “Everything Ends Last Year” is so sparse compared to everything else, and I think there’s a lot that people can infer from that. But I wanted to hear from you about the choice to make that a way more low key, way more empty-sounding track. 

  I think for me, I don’t think about it as empty, I think about it as playing with emptiness and fullness. Because I think that it keeps starting and stopping in different ways, and to me, that’s a reflection of the content of the song. Like each verse is about things that are starting and developing, and then they kinda end suddenly, and the toll that that’s taking on me, psychologically, all these stops and starts. And so each time the arrangement kinda gets differently lush, one time its drums, another time it’s a big horn arrangement, I think there’s a bass that comes in at one point, but every time it completely ends and then starts over again. 

  For sure. So is it really important for you for the production, like the form of the song, to match what the content is, lyrically?

  To me, that’s when things are at their strongest, but y’know you’re not always able to create that synergy. But when it’s available I love to make something that works both of those ways. 

  Yeah, I hadn’t considered the start and stop nature of the song, but that really does reflect the lyrics.

    So, “I’m a Jostar” f--king rules. It is so celebratory and cool and like you start the song by saying … I’m trying to remember the line, it was something like “don’t take this away from me.” And then it becomes this like, you are a part of this lineage of hyper-powerful dudes, and I wanted to hear like what about the mythology of Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, why did you want to choose that one for this song?

  I think the mechanism in Jojo's that each chapter has a different protagonist, that’s so different from shonen anime where it’s usually about one character getting stronger over time. And it took me a lot of getting used to when that second chapter started. I was like, “Wait, what? Now we have Joseph, who’s this little rude guy? I don’t know if I like him, I really liked Jonathan.” It threw me for a loop at first. But then over the course of the chapters of following him I was like, “Oh, what this gives me, psychologically, is the room to genuinely put myself in the show as a protagonist. Let’s say Chapter 39. THAT could be me.” you know what I’m saying? Like I could be in the story, the show can be about me in a way that you couldn’t say that about a Dragon Ball or a Bleach or a Demon Slayer, cause those are about following one character, where this is about — it’s kinda loosely about a family, but really it’s about just whatever personality type Araki wants us to root for in that season. 

  That is so cool. There really is this huge amount of possibility in the world of Jojo’s, it can literally just be about anyone. I also saw that you called it a "prayer song" on Twitter, and that is a pretty amazing term.

  Yeah, I have a category of songs on my catalogue that are like invocations, and that’s one. It’s just trying to invite a certain sense of empowerment. And I’ve done that song on stage a few times, and it just feels like a powerful ... like a power stance to take while I’m performing. So yeah, that’s like one of my incantations to try and invite power. And it’s not like a literal thing so much as an energetic thing. 

  For sure, yeah. I think there’s something really powerful about, in this song, in particular, aligning yourself with this lineage of amazing, strong, powerful, beautiful people. And yeah like, you do belong there. Just as much as everyone else.

  Im a Joestar can sound like a shallow song but it really comes from a deep need to find an external source of strength. its one of my prayer songs like 'celebrity reduction' or 'neighborhood protection' produced by @Thefrankleone

— Open Mike Eagle (@Mike_Eagle) October 18, 2020

  I know talking candidly about mental health is really tough, and you tackled that stuff super directly here. During a really tough time in my life, I listened to your episode of The Hilarious World of Depression, actually.

  Ah, John Moe.

  Yeah, that podcast has gotten me through a lot. But I wanted to ask how important is it for you to talk really openly about mental health stuff and what importance do you think it has?

  I think it’s important to talk about … to talk about the fact that, from my opinion, this is a fact that it’s almost impossible to deal with mental health challenges on your own. I feel like a lot of us do self-soothing, self-medication, all types of potentially harmful dissociation, compartmentalization, and I’m guilty of all of those things. And those are the things that stuff bad feelings temporarily, but they don’t address core issues of anything. And I feel like that’s a lot of us trying to deal with pain but without any real tools for it. And so I think the important thing to talk about is that if one feels like they’re in a bad spot, that it’s like really, really, really important to try to get some assistance. And of course, that can be restrictive based on income, based on access to resources, based on all sorts of very real stuff, but sometimes that can be just reaching out to a friend, it could be a school counselor, it could be a relative if there’s a safe relationship there, just encouraging people not to attempt to always try to go it alone. That, to me, is the important part to say out loud. Everything else is personal and private, but that part, it’s one of the closest things to a universal fact that I can really stand on. That it’s incredibly difficult to try to go it alone. 

  Yeah. Thank you for saying that, I think it’s really important to get that message out to people, especially right now. So I only have like one more thing to ask — if you had one thing to say to black anime fans, marginalized anime fans, any anime fans who feel like they don’t belong, what would it be?

  Man, f--k what they think. That’s what I’d say. 'Cause I guarantee whatever it is that you are connecting with in the work, in the art, the creators want you to have that. They put it out there for everybody, not just a certain kind of person. So if it’s doing something for you, embrace it, hold on to it, claim it, and don’t let nobody tell you you can’t have it.

    If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, here is a list of resources that may help:

  National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line: Text "HELLO" to 741741

The Health Resources and Services Administration may be able to connect you to mental health resources.

By: Cayla Coats

[aion-rsa]

Riverdale Season 5 Episode 1 Review – Chapter 77: Climax

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

This RIVERDALE review contains spoilers.

Riverdale Season 5 Episode 1

“Clearly our last two weeks of high school are going to be fraught…”

Friends, on this day we find this country starting a new chapter, one that is full of hope and excitement for the future.

I am of course referring to the airing of Riverdale‘s season premiere, a somewhat wheel-spinning, melodramatic affair that feels more like the closing pages of a book than the start of another story.

And that’s because it is precisely that. This episode was a leftover from last year, filmed but not completed production until the pandemic lockdown was over. As such it thrusts us into the start of the endgame of last season’s storylines — namely the fallout of the Betty and Archie kiss, Mr. Lodge’s illness and how he is using vigilantism to cope with it, the mysterious (and suitably anachronistic videotapes) arriving at the doorsteps of Riverdale residents, and the gang prepping for their imminent post-high school lives.

There’s a lot to be told here until the show finishes telling this specific story. Writers Ace Hasan and Greg Murray handle this arguably thankless task with aplomb, squeezing out the necessary exposition needed to push the plot points towards their approaching conclusion while shoehorning in a (now unfortunate) Katy Keene tie-in. To be fair, it’s a solid episode. Just one that, through no fault of its own, doesn’t really work as a season premiere.

That minor gripe aside, there’s a lot to enjoy here. First and foremost are Archie’s struggles. It was wise for the showrunners to make the character realize that he is a bit of a rudderless dolt. Addressing this most obvious of character flaws makes our oft-shirtless protagonist that much more of a likable guy. He’s discovered that while he has some options — running the gym is his best bet — he also needs to clear his head, and getting out of Riverdale would help with that greatly.

Now that the Navy isn’t an option, and he’s questioning his whole life. This results in his destroying his relationship with Veronica by telling her about his illicit kiss with Betty. One, it should be mentioned, that made Betty feel super uncomfortable…although that could’ve just been the terrible song Archie wrote for her.

The deception is enough to blow apart the pair’s “endgame” status…at least until after the upcoming time jump and their old flame is inevitably rekindled. (Even though we know that Veronica will be married to the jerky Chad Gekko, another Katy Keene character climbing aboard the Riverdale express). Much drama will ensue, but in the show’s now, they are done. What’s the over/under until we see Veronica performing “Bittersweet Symphony” at La Bonne Nuit?

Elsewhere, the Choni ship (I am in my forties and just wrote those words!) is threaten by the ghost of the greatest thing to ever happen on Riverdale: The Blossom family’s Maple Syrup Blood Feud. It’s not that Toni’s Nana has an issue with her granddaughter’s sexuality — although she kinda does — but more that Toni is dating a sworn enemy of the Lopez family. As much as I love me some Shakespeareian motifs, these characters regularly deal with serial killers and cult members. So the family drama here isn’t really very compelling, you know?

The most interesting thing happening on Riverdale right now is also its most frustrating, the saga of The Auteur. Betty didn’t tell Jughead about Archie’s shitty song or the kiss because in her mind, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Just a sort of awkward thing that happened in the moment that isn’t worth blowing up her life over. Adult decision making at its finest! Whether or not this choice impacts her relationship with Jughead, and I bet it does, will be revealed soon. Right now though they are doing what they love the most, investigating a mystery. One that really needs to ramp up the excitement and fast.

David seems to be too obvious of a choice to be the identity of the Auteur. It also goes against the show’s habit of making the protagonist someone we already know. Episodes from last season have shown us Charles and Chip plotting together for a yet to be revealed reason. To a lesser degree, Evelyn Evernever is a possibility too. But this episode raises the most intriguing potential suspect yet.

Jellybean Jones.

Think about it. She is a cipher of a character, one who would have had access to Jughead’s stories and knows about almost every aspect of his life. Perhaps she is making these videos because she is scared about him going away to school. Maybe they are some sort of bizarre revenge plot cooked up by Jellybean and Gladys Jones against Jughead and FP? By making Jellybean the auteur this creates more drama for the ever-complicated Jughead and gives him a personal tragedy that mirrors what Betty experienced with her father. I truly feel that Jellybean being at David’s film fest/rave by herself (we never see her friends she is supposedly with) is much more than a red herring. Time will tell. But we need to see some clarity on what the motives behind these tapes are, ASAP.

And so Riverdale is back. While we are watching the blending of the programs fourth and fifth seasons unfold due to real-life production concerns, it remains the most welcome of escapes.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

Riverdale Rundown

• This episode was filmed before production on the series was shut down due to Covid-19. As such, the next few installments will cover the gang’s final weeks at Riverdale High before jumping ahead seven years — which will occur in what was originally intended to be last year’s season finale. And you thought Doctor Who was timey wimey.

• The above explanation also explains why a character from a cancelled CW series — K.O. Kelly from Katy Keene — plays such a crucial role in tonight’s proceedings.

• Speaking of Katy Keene, that show took place during the time period that Riverdale is about to jump ahead to — one in which Hiram Lodge has completely recovered from his mystery disease.

• Did anyone else find Archie’s constant referring to K.O. as bro endearing? And OF COURSE these two characters were given a shirtless workout montage/steam room scene. Besides, what’s an episode of Riverdale without plenty of gratuitous objectification?

• Archie really did himself no favors by neglecting to mention to Veronica how Betty shut him down after his attempt to woo her. Communication is the key to a solid, healthy relationship, fam!

• Ashleigh Murray’s Josie McCoy was a main character on Katy Keene, yet as of this writing it is unclear if she will return to Riverdale or not this season. (And for the record, Archieverse showrunner Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa hasn’t permanently shut the door on some sort of Katy Keene revival either).

• The cancelled fifth season of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina would have been a major crossover with Riverdale. Although we were denied that magic, if the above official key art is to be believed, it does seem that we will be getting some major supernatural happenings is season. Afterlife with Archie anyone?

• Archie’s scars from his bear attack really come and go, don’t they?

• Kett Turton returns tonight as David, the owner of the Blue Velvet video store. His perfect recreation of David Lynch’s cadence and mannerisms combined with the costume department seemingly raiding the Twin Peaks mastermind’s wardrobe is a perfect illustration of how Riverdale commits to its goofiness 100%.

• I’m not sure, but I think the Black Hood movie being shown in room 317 is a very subtle reference to the Miss Saigon song that also takes place in that location.

• In a nice callback, some of the tickling videos like the ones Kevin and Fangs made are being shown at the film party/rave. (Along with snippets of exploitation/art flicks clearly inspired by the works of Kenneth Anger and Herschell Gordon Lewis).

• “You had me at snuff film.” Here’s hoping Kevin Keller never changes.

• Cheryl is at her most Cheryl tonight, melodramatically spewing lines like “perhaps your camera will capture the sublime tragedy of my life” with an effortlessness that would make Bette Davis proud.

• Putting Fizzle Rocks in the punchbowl, classic Reggie Mantle.

• Further evidence of how this show is, to quote The Tragically Hip, chronologically fucked up, the songs played at the prom were Sixpence None the Richer’s “Kiss Me,” BoDeans’ “Closer to Free” (itself the theme song to another popular teen show, Party of Five), Collective Soul’s “The World I Know,” Mazzy Star’s timeless “Fade Into You,” and Talking Heads’ “Psycho Killer.” Would any of these songs actually be played at a prom taking place in whatever year in the 2010’s this series is set in? Your guess is as good as mine.

Subscribe to Den of Geek magazine for FREE right here!

(function() { var qs,js,q,s,d=document, gi=d.getElementById, ce=d.createElement, gt=d.getElementsByTagName, id="typef_orm", b="https://embed.typeform.com/"; if(!gi.call(d,id)) { js=ce.call(d,"script"); js.id=id; js.src=b+"embed.js"; q=gt.call(d,"script")[0]; q.parentNode.insertBefore(js,q) } })()

The post Riverdale Season 5 Episode 1 Review – Chapter 77: Climax appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3p2dews

[littlepanduh-writes-365]

Opinion of RPF

tw// mentions of depression and anxiety

howdy doo everyone~

I’ve been writing and rewriting this letter for the past few days. There are many thoughts that I wanted to include, but I’m constantly worried about the longevity and potential curtness of some topics. I’m also worried that my opinions are going to backlash on me, but I came to the conclusion that in order for me to be a better person and a better writer, I need to accept criticism. I just ask that if you do send me criticism or questions, please be patient and understanding with the response time. I try to handle things sensitively which means I put a lot of thought into my answer and writing. I also admit that I get rattled easily and I want to give you answers when my head is clearer. 

This has been something that’s been on my mind for many years actually. It’s caused me to stop reading and writing many times. At this point, it’s becoming a vicious cycle and I don’t know whether I want to continue it anymore or just give it up and find something else to do. If you’re reading this, I hope you can at least gain insight and understanding because some other authors may have felt this way and if you have the time, I’d appreciate some feedback. I know this document is long, so I’m really thankful if you can bear through it. 

I have been reading and writing fanfiction for about 11 years. I have been writing for k-pop on and off for 7 years now. Although writing has been a great hobby and outlet and the k-pop writing community has proven to be a safe space for me, I still tend to have internal conflicts about the ethics of Real Person Fanfiction (RPF). I have a very long explanation of my philosophy of writing, which I encourage you to read if you read many of my fics, but to break it down, I acknowledge that there’s a lot of responsibility when writing for the k-pop fandom. 

I know these are real-life people and it’s possible that readers might get the wrong idea when reading my fics. I want you to know that when I write my fics, I’m not exactly thinking of that specific person. This sounds kinda horrible because it’s blunt, but when it all boils down, I’m basically just using them as a face claim. It’s easier for me, especially since I write a lot of shorter fics and drabbles, because I don’t have to spend a whole page describing a character, like how authors of books normally do. A lot of what I write comes from personal experiences so I usually think of a plot and then decide which person fits my character. I admit that I do choose characters based off of the idols’ personalities/personas, but I’m not going to hold it against them in real life. I sometimes adjust my character to the “real” personality of the idol, but not so much. I’m pretty sure a lot of k-pop fanfic writers feel this way (and I can imagine readers feel that way too), which is why I encourage you to read the extension of this memo which digs into specific topics, like writing idolverse/”canon” and smut. 

If you are a writer, I hope you have a similar philosophy that respects the people we write about and also reflects on a potential cultural impact you can make. If you are a reader, I hope you take an author’s intentions into account when you are reading. It’s not just writing out a fantasy, but there are thoughts and emotions writers want to express or a lesson to teach. Sometimes people do write just for fun and it’s normally okay, but it varies case by case on whether the intention is appropriate.

Sometimes it is hard to see those intentions, especially when it’s not explicitly written out like this or authors chose to be vague about endings or “what happened last summer” or something like that. Depending on the situation, the uncertainty is a key factor in their style or storytelling, but if you’re uncomfortable about it, you have the right to voice it out. This is why it’s so important to communicate with authors by the means of commenting. Jumping to conclusions is very disrespectful to a writer and that’s not fair for fanfic writers who are doing this for free. Conversations like, “where do you get this idea from?” or “did you mean this when you said that?” clarify the intentions of the author. (If you have a strong opinion or interpretation, you may want to preface in your comment that because you might just come off as rude and taking control over the story.) Many authors might say, “it’s up for any interpretation”, but will give their own insight. In my opinion, if authors don’t give you the time of day or completely shut down your opinions, I understand if you start forming your own opinions. (I don’t believe social media slander is the way to go but maybe appropriate if they ignore the problem.) Depending on the writer, they are busy, so please be considerate of their own personal schedules. Don’t demand a quick response time or a public apology. Reading and writing are supposed to be cathartic and empathy-inducing and distracting and fun. Your opinions are valid. (I have to add on that if you chose to ignore things like trigger warnings and tags, that is on you.)    

You may be wondering, why am I writing this letter? I seem to know my limits. I try not to be a problematic person. It doesn’t seem like my writing is problematic either. I’d like to believe these things, but I recognize that these are all subjective. I am not necessarily going to be completely transparent with you because that’s a whole lot of layers and I don’t want to just force all of that on you, but I will be open with you about things that I’ve already put out. 

I’m predicting that the people who are reading this memo have only been reading my recent works/works I’ve posted on AO3. If you don’t know this, I am also on AFF and tumblr. Although a lot of my stuff (especially the one-shots on tumblr) is pretty lighthearted and surficial, I have written about deeper and darker topics: character death and mourning, cheating, panic attacks, and a pole dancer. I have also included themes of drinking, swearing, and implied sex. These range from passive mentions to having the whole story revolve around that topic. I recognize that these can be uncomfortable themes, which is why I try to relay my intentions and sensitivity through Extended Author’s Notes, content warnings per chapter and tags, taking forever to edit, and writing long responses to comments. I choose to write about these topics because I personally get tired of seeing similar fics and, again, I just need an outlet.

Allow me to address a… hyena in the room (yeah, not an elephant). I don’t usually flash this card, nor do I feel 100% comfortable talking about this, but I’m just going to come clean and say that I suffer from depression and anxiety. No, you don’t need to feel sympathetic or look at my writing differently. Please don’t do that. That’s not why I’m telling you this. I mostly want to say that, yes, I have these mental illnesses, but I also acknowledge that it doesn’t excuse any toxic behavior. I have written when my anxiety-induced insomnia gets to me or when I’m having a particularly low week. I try to edit when I’m more stable, but again, that’s pretty subjective. I try so hard to cope properly and I do use other methods besides writing. I talk to my friends to make sure I don’t isolate too much. I’ve ventured into music and dance. Admittedly, things have been harder with this pandemic. I’m not a perfect person and I admit that I slip up every once in a while. You might see it in my writing. Sometimes, I’m rereading a paragraph for the 12th time and I’ll be completely jaded over the intensity of the emotions I wrote 3 months ago because it comes to the point that I’m just looking at words. The words that I wrote at 2AM after a self-loathing day seem completely different two weeks later after a deep talk with my best friend. One day, it’ll hurt me, and the next, it’ll mean nothing. I’m not sure how it’ll affect you. I acknowledge that my readers come from different walks of life and different experiences. I want to respect that. If something bothers you, please do not hesitate to communicate with me. 

I know I don’t act like it all the time, especially on Twitter, but I am an adult and I’m trying to handle at least my mental health like an adult. I write about mature topics and as a writer, I recognize that I need to handle the reception maturely as well.

The “best woman of this generation” once said this about her group. “Even if there are good times, there could also be times when you feel disappointed or feel regret or get angry or annoyed… Just do things that you like. Resolve your mood, then come back to Red Velvet… It’s not “always like Red Velvet”. I’d like for your guys to find many, many diverse things to enjoy… I do really want you all to be happy.” I am in no way in the same league as Red Velvet or Ms. Bae Joohyun, but I’d like to keep that humble mentality. You don’t have to support every fic I write. You don’t have to support my entire story. You don’t have to approve of every topic I write about or the messages I relay. (I would like to hear your thoughts, but you are not obligated to do so.) The beauty of these sites is that you can come and go whenever you would like. I get it. Life happens. Things change. Opinions change. You’re valid. If ever you want to come back to my story or maybe finish one that you never continued, you are always welcome to do so.   

I, myself, have stopped reading fics, even if they were good. I’m not just talking about ongoing fics that lost its flare. I’m also talking about completed fics or fics that have over 500 Kudos or were Featured on AFF. Sometimes the topics are too deep. Sometimes, I just need to emotionally prepare myself for an update. Sometimes I lose interest. I’m sure the author might feel a little hurt, but that’s just how life is. I don’t spend a lot of my time reading and writing fics. In the end, I’m going to finish the fics that kept me interested.

Alright, if you’ve made it this far, congratulations. Serious conversation is over (for now). Thank you for your tolerance, patience, and understanding. If you are someone that reads my stories, thank you for your support. If you are someone who enjoys my stories, thank you for your love. With the time that I have, I’m working hard to be a better writer, but most importantly, I’m working harder to be a better person. The k-pop community has been a safe place for me and I want to continue letting it be that way. 

Stay safe and healthy everyone <3 Until next update

Click here to read my in-depth opinions about writing. (Skip to page 4.)