#what the fuck is the excuse for live action
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season 2 started off beautifully. I was ecstatic at the end of episode three, for the simple reason that it had the same spirit as season 1. Vi feeling like she made a mistake so big trying to reach Powder instead of seeing Jinx and the danger she represented that the only way to fix that for her was to join her oppressors. Caitlyn destroying all the progress she'd made, unlearning what she'd been taught about Zaun by being with zaunites like Vi, the moment one of them killed her mother, and embracing her roots we can say, talking of bad blood and "I thought you were different"- showing that the internalised racism was always there ready to resurface the moment it had an excuse to. Caitlyn saying that her mother being killed by a teenager who's never dealt with her trauma and mental illness is the same thing as Vi's parents being killed by members of a military institution, disregarding everything she knew about the pain and abuse Vi went through because of the Enforcers. a "men get abused too" situation, in which one ignores the social and historical background of that type of violence to feel less sorry about it. they were perfectly well written, because they are things we see everyday. my father taught me as a child that black people crossing the Mediterranean to look for work in Italy were a good thing, and now that he's had problems at work with one he's started saying the opposite. a gay man I knew laughed at trans folks and said they made things worse for us, ridiculing them in the company of straight people to feel less threatened. (not the exact same thing as what happened to Vi, but you get what I mean).
those are real things, and Arcane has always been good at showing real things.
later on, episode seven, Jayce fell down. he landed in the deepest hole of Zaun, broke his leg, was forced to wear a brace to walk, suffered and had to claw his way back to the surface, to Piltover, in a strange metaphor of Viktor's journey and life (saw a post talking even more beautifully about this, will put the link here if I find it again), and once he met Viktor again, he told him his illness, his legs, he, were beautiful. not despite everything. because of it. and now he can understand him a little more. now he says "your imperfections are beautiful" and we can believe him, because he's not speaking from the perspective of a man trying to convince his friend to stop harming others. he's a man trying to make his partner see that he still loves him, now that he's finally understood him after years of trying to reach the truth and always being stopped by something, and that he understands him enough to know why he's harming others, and that he cares for him enough to think that he will be able to understand why it's wrong. it's Viktor accepting the inevitability of being seen by someone who went to hell and back to reach him.
those were fucking beautiful arcs. they were.
and then?
Vi saw Caitlyn become what she'd always said she wouldn't become, and there were no repercussions. Catelyn got to walk away and live all the same. she lost an eye to Ambessa, but it was no punishment for what she'd done. how many people did she harm? how many people did her actions have repercussions on? Vi shouted at her once, and then it was like it had never happened- which is still real, I guess. it happens everyday. but I didn't see any wish to make us see how that was wrong. I don't want to be told "this is wrong", I'm old enough and smart enough to understand this, but I also think I can see the difference between trying to show deeper meanings and not wanting to deal with difficult plot lines.
and Zaun? it was sad. pathetic. years of abuse were what, forgotten and then vanished in thin air because there was a common enemy? that, sadly, isn't real. it isn't. years or oppression can't be forgotten so easily, not by the oppressed, for one "glorious" fight. it's lazy. what started as a good depiction of reality turned into an american wet dream of big fights and sad sacrifice scenes and epic love stories that cross any difficulty, and economic and social difference. don't you dare say something against Caitlyn and Vi's ending, they went through all that, they deserve nice things. they do. many other people did. no one cared about them tho.
so.
epic failure. good soundtracks tho.
#arcane#arcane spoilers#arcane season 2#arcane s2#caitlyn kiramman#vi arcane#jayce talis#viktor arcane#jayvik#caitvi#arcane zaun#piltover and zaun#what if I cried because ekko deserved better#don't take this too seriously im in no way and expert I need to talk tho🧙🏻♂️
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Last Airbender fans try to not be ablest pieces of shit when trying to defend not casting a blind actress for Toph challenge (impossible).
#'maybe they cant accomindate one-'#the animated movie is literally accomindating a blind VA to voice toph#what the fuck is the excuse for live action#and not some fans trying to say she isnt actually disabled??? wha#what the actual fuck do you mean??? she is disabled??? she's blind??? 'she just cant see things' so blind basically???#and 'realistically you cant get a blind actor' google is free oh my god#out here saying stupid shit
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Lrb dear god, this reminded me of that time when Alfred-chan got sooooo mad at my post explaining why fans should respect bisexual headcanons for Maria and Malenia instead of pretending like they're canonically lesbians and that they get oppressed and erased by mxf ships with them. They kept vagueing that post for like a MONTH in their blog including in tags under reblogs of Maria fanart, passively-aggressively changed their url to character+sexuality to "spite" me and then even made a sockpuppet account to start shit with me in the comments.
They deactivated when me and Val completely obliterated their "you cultivate lesbiphobic following by telling people why they should respect all sexuality headcanons instead of acting cultish or assuming their experiences and stereotypes equal canon confirmation" garbage with actual facts and logic tho but I screenshotted everything fjthfgfj (I learned to document everything the hard way after they've changed the she/they pronouns to they/they pronouns ONLY to accuse me of misgendering, so thank you for making me wiser I guess 😎). Even more vile, as they, a white person, larped as an Arab in that sockpuppet to hold even MORE "privilege" against me in discussion gjtjfh Because for them race, gender or sexuality are just badges of honor and dishonor, they don't see these as traits of actual human beings. And Dr Eugene X, who worked with them and weaponized her race to accuse everyone who disagreed with her of racism, didn't bat an eye at such a terrible act too?? As usual, rules are not for their friends, lol
It is not even the worst thing Alfred did, and yet all of this just, just, JUST because I wrote a point on why bisexual headcanon people did nothing wrong and there is no ground to claim something is canon when it isn't. 🤦♂️ Like, they were soooo convinced that I hated lesbian headcanons and that I'd feel angry if they called Lady Maria a lesbian, when what I was angry at is this exact toxic behavior in the fandom. No matter how much you like a headcanon, don't be a bitch about it. Maria doesn't """belong""" to any gender or sexuality, she belongs to anyone who likes her and is invested in her complexity as a character!!!
Yet, apparently, common Malenia simps / Finlay shippers are no better than common Maria simps / Mariadeline shippers. Just, wild how after shit like this, many people have the guts to claim that it is "sexist redditbros" who are the biggest problem of creators in the fandom. 🤦♂️ They'd actually blush if they encountered what such self-proclaimed "feminists" do to their own (!!!) over headcanons. 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
#also fuck anna for thinking shit like this and way worse things alfred did is not as evil and toxic as#as me snapping at her for DEFENDING alfred#wiki: I can excuse stalking harassment cultish shunning bullying fantomette lying slander weaponizing identity but-#-I draw the line at katy getting too emotional when I admit as much uwu#granted she did admit that the reason for this is because alfred didnt concern her personally#she is probably the person I'll forgive last in this situation if ever#as much as I hate alfred they clearly have no empathy and compassion and lie for medical reasons#it isn't my assumptions they often reblogged this shit#I know mental illness is not an excuse for so much harassment for variety of reasons but-#-why would someone want to change if they medically can't feel guilt for their actions?#I feel bad for them and they hopefully will get help#as for Eugene idk... they seem to be a typical brainwashed youth#such people either change with age or get strongly bitten in the ass and get reality check#granted people who still follow her did admit she goes head hunting and then plays victim#as well as they only keep in touch because they worry they'll be dragged down if they are not at her good side#rather than because they like her posts (which are so untrue to BB that she can just make OCs anyways)#choir boy is literally just mindless sheep that didnt even have dignity to make it personal#hence is the name#I am sure he is lovely in his own circle it just doesn't concern me or my friend#but anna?#she knew what she was doing and has no excuse#fandomry rambles#it is also funny how they are four cringe failures and us are four based people#best AND worst groups come in four lol#also I know you all are dying to know how I can still hold grudges year later right?#it is hard to explain#I live normally and recover and not think of it but then scar starts to hurt#like you know how physical scars can react to weather or shit? mental can too
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I think it's a bit ridiculous that anyone other than Dean and Sam themselves (cause of their insane guilt complexes) would count opening the gates of hell as their fault. Like... here are these two ghost hunters, way over there heads in the demon department, doing their best to keep not only their remaining friends and family alive, but humanity in general, they're getting manipulated left and right by demons because they have no information otherwise, and yet they still found the location of hell's gates and closed it, when the actual person at fault (Jake Talley) opened them, and closed them as best they could.
That's while being attacked by the yellow eyed demon. Like? The only reason they didn't shoot Jake to begin with is because of Sam's humanity, and Ellen being in danger. How would this in any way be categorized as their fault?
#spn#supernatural#dean winchester#sam winchester#like again - I can see sam and dean blaming themselves#but they could have just as easily had nothing to do with it at all#and left saving the day to someone else#also the way sam's killing of jake is somewhat framed in a “oh no is he evil actually” way????#like that bitch fucking murdered sam and threatened ellen#he opened the gates! and all of a sudden sam killing him without mercy is a no no??? excuse me??#the framing I find sus - and wonder how it's going to play out in this season#(i only remember the general idea of these seasons honestly)#also dean was selfish in bringing sam back - like I totally get it of course#even support his actions but like - I aint having whatever kind of argument they have in s8#like - bitch you wanted sam to move on and get a life or live without you? And then you get mad when he doesn't try to find you?#like anyone could fucking know what's going on in this world lmao#also I love dean more as I watch him - than whatever the fuck fandom makes him into... i dont care for fandom dean#The Hardy Boys But With Ghosts
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nesta literally telling feyre that shes going to fucking died from the babe in an unpleasant way is literally just an argumental point for rhys stans to use to cover up the fact he LITERALLY hide a medical information from feyre?!?!?!? bro HE was the on who started this shit not fucking nesta????
it was rhysand's fault, he started this shit by being a stupid bitch who decided to not tell feyre
#anti feysand#neutral feyre#anti rhysand#anti acotar#pro nesta archeron#pro nesta#pro archeron sisters#“but what if shes stressed?” SHE LITERALLY FACED THE FUCKING WEAVER AND DIED SAVING PRYTHIAN SHE'LL FUCKING LIVE IF SHE WAS TOLD ABOUT THIS#none of this wouldnt been a fucking problem if RHYSAND ISNT A FUCKING ABUSER#actually NO ALL OF THIS WOULDNT HAPPEN IF FEYRE JUST FUCKING KILL HIM#KILL THAT BITCH FEYRE U DESERVED TO#RUNAWAY AND LIVE FREELY GIRL#FREE MY GIRL FEYRE!!!!!!!!#the fact stans ignored that nesta literally apologized to feyre in acosf and rhysand has not ONCE spat out the word “sorry” IN ANY OF THE#FUCKING SERIES#LITERALLY IN CHAPTER 54 ACOMAF ALL HE DO IS YAP YAP AND BLAB BLAB LIEK SHUT THE FUCK UP U STUPID BITCH#“i have a sad backstory :((( pls excused my horrid actions :(((” WOMP WOMP BITCH#you guys need to remember that rhysand has never ONCE apologized for all the horrible actions he did to feyre#yall claim to be feyre stans and proceed to defend this shit is fucking gross#sorry for this very angry rant in the tags yall
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If I see another liberal downplaying how much of a ghoul Biden is compared to the ~insurrectionist cheeto~ I'm choosing violence. You can't even bring yourself to condemn a man bankrolling, arming and running defense for a GENOCIDE past 'he's not the best guy'??? Are you fucking kidding me? When you talk like this, you reveal exactly what it is you actually care about and what it is you're willing to fight for and what you're willing to give up.
If you use this softball, dismissive language to DANCE around the fact that this man is a fucking MONSTER because you're terrified of making him look bad compared to Trump (as if THAT'S what's gonna make him lose the election) then you've made the Palestinian people your sacrificial fucking lambs. You've confirmed that you'll NEVER hold this empire accountable if your personal safety and comfort is at risk.
We knew that already, of course. You're just finally saying the quiet part out loud.
#you people are fucking INSUFFERABLE.#if you cannot think outside of your vote blue no matter who bubble just get the fuck out of my face#I'm tired of it#accomplices vs 'allies' in fucking action#THE PALESTINIAN PEOPLE NEED ACCOMPLICES NOT EXCUSES#we are riding on a treadmill until we do something else. those are the simple fucking facts.#if you think this election is what you should prioritize over literally ANY other form of ACTUAL praxis you have lost the plot#and we don't share the same goals#i want this empire burned to the ground NOT just made marginally more tolerable for ME to live within#self
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finally manifested what i think suits best violante for her let's say epilogue and it's her saying yes to gale's marriage proposal but chickening out so hard that she disappears without a word and settles down somewhere quiet with so many silly little animals with shadowheart, yuri won
#rena.txt#sorry for making u suffer wizard but i just know in my heart that she would never go for smth like that. too much pressure for someone who'#well known for having commitment issues and soso scared of letting herself go 👍 she has history of fucking off from people's lives with no#explanation so this is just another case skfsjfksk#still i haven't settled on the ifs. maybe they do meet again at some point and vio would find all the excuses in this world to justify her#actions like the fact she can't go back to waterdeep and that he would grow to resent her for that (she's dissimulating) but i think#maybe that at some point they do meet again but idk if they could ever pick up again what she ruined. idk having thoughts of ifs
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only on tumblr do you get people so absorbed in their toxic online echo chambers that they think killing animals is no big deal and that posting about incest and pedophilia and shit is “fine” because it’s all “fictional” and “fiction has no bearing on reality” and “i’m a victim of these things so it’s cool for me to ‘cope’ by consuming this content and i’m totally not normalizing and excusing its existence”
#like yeah idc how much you don't want to hear this sentence but killing animals is serial killer behavior.#a child finding enjoyment or stress relief in the torturing of helpless little lives is EXTREMELY concerning#and like no a child displaying those behaviors should not be shunned or punished like that's stupid. that's a child that needs love and HELP#what's really disturbing is nonchalantly bringing up those past killings as an adult without an ounce of remorse#because it shows that you... still do not value life. you still see those lives as 'lesser' than your own.#like what the fuck?#and fiction literally does affect reality dozens of studies show that our brains process 'fiction' the same way we process reality#idc how much you dislike the field of psychology like. bitch me too. some of the 'science' there is bullshit but guess what#sometimes science is like. real. and you can't deny it. there is a particular way that the human brain functions#we are really good at convincing ourselves that our thinking and inner processes are completely different than they really are#no amount of mental illness and trauma excuses repugnant behavior! it just doesn't. it absolves you of Nothing#you still need to take responsibility for your actions#seek help. get off the internet. get out of the circles that encourage and reward this sort of behavior. Heal
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i need to stop forgetting things exist the fucking second they leave my field of vision. why is is impossible for two things to occupy my mind at once especially when im tired. like. i feel like a sim. i feel like actions are being canceled and i just. move on. and completely forget what i was doing moments before. i fucking hate it
#i feel like it’s getting worse too#like its always hasn’t been great but the past few weeks have been especially bad#why can’t i remember things!! why is my short term memory sucking ass!!!!!!#like if i don’t write/type things down i loose it#making me wanna rip my hair out what the fuck is going on!!!!!#gonna start playing those phone games that improve memory or whatever#it’s either that or going to my mom for an essential oil recommendation#i know it’s probably some undiagnosed shit but im also like. i can’t keep blaming whatever is wrong with my brain because its a problem with#/me/. ya know?? like. yeah it is something with my brain. obviously. but i need to take some sort of action to fix it. and i dont know what#that action is#besides the two options i said before#or carrying a fucking notebook around and writing down everything. which is stupid also and i know won’t last a week#problem is im gonna forget about any rule i come up with since as soon as im preoccupied with something else. i’ll forget the rule#i would need a hat with the reminder on paper tapped to the hat#so it’s always dangling in front of my eyes#i don’t know what else to do at this point!!!!#it’s making me so worried about going away for college. cause yeah i did really well at community. but if i have the deteriorating memory#of a goldfish who’s constantly banging its head against the glass. how am i gonna make it through university.#i love writing essays in the tags that no one will read <3#having a ball rn. a great time. not feeling like a waste of resources at all rn. feeling great.#if my mom doesn’t let me wear my earbuds tomorrow i think ill scream#anyways. gonna bake some blueberry lemon sweet rolls tomorrow#me rambling#i love being undiagnosed#but let’s be real#being diagnosed won’t give me anything other than more of an excuse#because i can’t go on meds with my current living situation#and i also don’t really want to go on meds because i don’t trust them#feeling silly i think ill actually post this one maybe someone has a suggestion for what to do#vent
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People getting all hot and bothered over:
a fictional character
a fictional canocically DEAD character
a fictional abused teenager
he's literally just a kid I beg y'all he is not nearly as bad as anyone makes him out to be.
Everyone seems to like the asshole until there are reasons behind being prickly.
Not me though, have fun 🤭
#just... pls#you dont owe explanations to anyone as to why you like billy#especially to strangers on the internet who should learn to mind their own fucking business and live their lives#'i dont excuse his actions'#'im not justifying'#okay be fr hes not THAT bad#he apologized to max and given the chance to actually survive hed apologize to lucas too#let it flow naturally#not forced bc ya know the people he died for owe him explanations idc#'all the people he hurt'#i thought we agreed he was possessed?#hed literally just need to apologize to max and lucas#and he apologized to max#he DIED for them all i think thats enough but ig yall dont?#i think max has some apologies to make herself tbh so#no one else in the show gets this whole 'they have to apologize for what theyve done' but billy#why just him... when hes one of the only characters who actually appears to show regret#hes not a narcissist be real#hes not a spoiled brat#why do characters have to have redemption why must we pretend they need to go on apology tours#there is no justification to be done bc ya know hes not real but im not joking... most of his actions were valid#this so called list yall talk about... its not even a list...#its literally just lucas#also idk take it up with the duffers... they made lucas completely not acknowledge any trauma any character may have given him#its fucked how bad they are at writing 💀#billy hargrove#the way i could care less!!! about 'redemption'#if it doesnt involve billy getting away from his abusers somehow this so called change will not happen?? steve is not going to 'fix him'#bro is like 19 and repressed as all hell#billy doesnt need to be dating a therapist. also some therapists are actually shit at their jobs and can make you feel worse so
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okay so i tend to work out my aus best when i think about them like a story so Step One: where the fuck do we start.
jaiden's pov. ofc. maybe alternating chapters. i think it would be mildly confusing until the reader realized that Jaiden Rogue and Jaiden Weapon were the alternating chapters and they were getting alternate viewpoints- one of her Descent, and one of her Ascent.
the descent chapters would be her turning into the sort of person who would follow orders to hurt an egg. her being lead by cucurucho to the living weapon program and being "deceived" by it by fully knowing what it wanted from her. making that choice to drown herself and emerge as someone -something- new. these chapters would Also address the problem that is jaiden becoming so brainwashed that she does whatever the federation wants instead of what she would have wanted, and hurting an egg (probably something via kidnapping/accidental injury she doesn't give a shit about. classic federation egg opinions). also she would have a subtext feud with badboyhalo. it would be the fucking- the annoyance that keeps her connected. the feds dont want her to fuck with him but he keeps fucking with her mission so she's annoyed when he shows up. like she never does anything outward to indicate this feud but there's the Recognition and the aww man not this guy again. the proof that she failed to remake herself because even with mission success she's still like aw MAN fuck that guy. she's still, infuriatingly, more than a tool.
#qliving weapon au#ive got some work to do in a minute so i can't expand on the ascent chapters idea yet but#quietly thinking about this#rotating her#im going to have to put more thought into roier and his role because so far in my brain he's like#got his own mini storyline and acts as a narrative tool to deliver a cellbit complication#but i remember when he followed her and cucurucho#he wouldnt just fuck off#especially not if he was a living weapon too#mmm maybe he's worried about hurting her#but i dont want to really come up with an excuse he isn't involved i want to figure out what he'd DO#reasons are v different than excuses i wanna know his logic and then what action would come from that#part of the problem is ive started thinking about foolish and bad and how theyre so fucking silly#and how that silliness would be IMPORTANT for jaiden to recover#like the silliness is important for roier to recover#but she can't get that silly dosage from roier because he's a reminder of everything she has tried so so hard to forget#i think ultimately her anger is gonna be directed at the federation#not for hurting them or fucking them up#but for making them partners#for putting them together for bobby and then only putting them together again to kill#another avoidance tactic
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if you Genuinely think that john b’s hatred of ward and “lack of understanding” about ward and sarah’s relationship has to do with him not caring about sarah vs him thinking ward literally murdered his fucking father and then actually framed him for murder and the fact he’s a grown man regularly terrorizing the only family john b has left besides his father i literally do not know what to tell you besides seek help
#john b of all people knows about complicated father relationships jesus fucking christ#YES jj may relate to sarah more in specific to abusive parents but there is no lack of shitty actions#on big john's part#that could possibly make you think john b doesn't have his own issues#he's a 17 year old kid literally eat shit if you expect him to be super understanding and mature about this#he thought his father (the parent who stayed) died#and then got framed for murder#sarah's journey with her father is an important one#john b's journey with ward is also an important one#but it is downright antagonistic#which is a far cry from ward and sarah's one#john b is a kid having quite frankly the worst few years of his life#sarah's journey and his journey don't cancel each other out#they're happening simultaneously and with the same fucking people#'john b can't conceptualize gray areas' ok he's a fictional teenage character what's ur excuse.#john b routledge#and frankly john b's familial relationships are infinitely more interesting to me than jj's#i've lived jj's relationship with his dad i literally don't care#i would rather see someone talking about jj and john b's moms both being gone than another#textpost about cAmBaNk sibling supremacy#you people are insanely annoying#and also obsessed with hating main characters for any given reason. amen
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sure is getting scary for a trans person to just Exist rn, huh
#vent//#transphobia//#like. im appalled at what happened in nashville as much as anyone else rn.#that was horrible and i really do feel awful for family members involved#but when i found out this morning i was ALREADY seeing people taking it as an excuse to be super transphobic#and throw the whole lot of us under the bus for the actions of one.#esp after all the drag bans and them calling all of us 'groomers' just for EXISTING over the past few months#even as someone who lives in a relatively safe area for lgbtq+ ppl i am just fucking terrified for our future rn.#even here theres been unrest. protesters crashed our local pride festival & rainbow flags were being stolen from ppls yards#but i also have family down in florida who have directly had to deal with desantis's bullshit. and i am so fucking scared for them#we just want to exist in peace like everyone else. please at least let us have that.#ace screams into the void
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didn’t think i’d find a “i’m truly horrified by the fact that someone is okay with not just writing but publicly posting this” fic in the fucking. r/oyjam/ie tedlasso tag of all things but here we are. i genuinely feel a little fucking sick over it.
#hadn’t pre-filtered the tags that would’ve blocked it bc i guess i didn’t think i HAD to#so uh warning for cp/csa mention and i’m not gonna get specific about what the fic was#but like seriously don’t read my tags if you don’t want to know anything about it#but uh. i think the ‘it’s not real’ excuse flies out the window when you are talking about a live action child character#played by a young child actor. like. that’s a real child as far as i’m concerned.#i’m not okay with it when it’s cartoons either but like i can at least see where ppl are coming from when they justify themselves.#even if i think it’s bullshit#idk man this might be the first time i’ve encountered this specific kind of thing and i truly feel sick. fucking tedlasso of all things.#r.txt#sorry if i’m betraying the queer community by not being okay with ~freaks~ but i feel like this is a reasonable line to draw. personally.
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NAHHHHHHHH
#someone who ignored me for 10days in February and i was like ok cool friendship over 💗#(its was an important topic and they left me hanging :))#and then never replied JUST WROTE TO ME#saying its SO HARD and so much p#PRESSURE having to be by his phone “all the time”#BROOOOOO ONCE IN 10 DAYS?#I DIDNT BOTHER HIM SINCE YOU'RE FEELING ANXIOUS HAVING TO ANSWER ME ONCE EVERY 6 MONTHS????#AND SAYING THINGS WOULD BE “EASIER IF WE JUST LIVED CLOSE” NAHHHH NAHHHHH FUCK YOU 😂#THIS IS NOT ON ME 😂 I WILL KILL U#the fucking GUTS coming back and saying its on me when HE TOLD ME HE WOULD NEVER GHOST ME LIKE BRO YOUR ACTIONS SUCK AND YOUR WORDS AREN'T#PRETTY#nahhhhh im SO PISSED LIKE IM TRYING TO THINK WHAT TO ANSWER BEFORE I BLOCK HIM BECAUSE NAHHHH#he threw away a 7y long friendship LMAOOO AND THIS IS THE EXCUSE?#“ill always be there for u” me: cool him: wtf this is so much pressure this is YOUR fault :/#like IABAUWBWINAIWBEDKFN 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪 I AM NOT SANE RN
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I am holding myself together by a fucking thread and I just want it to break so i can get a break.
#i want to not be the fall guy for literally everything. i want some fucking nuance and to not be blamed for other people's actions#as well as my own. it's fucked up that im being told that it's both my fault for how i treated other people (valid and true)#and also being told that it's my fault for letting other people treat me the way they did and that i'm responsible for their actions too#just. so. tired.#just so tired. so. so. tired.#and people will see this and get mad at me and then that's my responsibility too#i want my animals to be okay#i want to be able to make rent and not owe my friends and family money#i dont know where im going to live in two months#i just want someone to care about me for me and not for what they think i should be#as if i am wrong or broken the way i am#why is forgiveness and understanding afforded to other people#while all i get is blame. always blame. it's my fault. i should have known better. the way i think or feel is narcissistic and fucked up.#over and over and over.#i dont want to leave my bunnies#my therapist does a lot of testing for autism and suggested i get tested myself#which i balked at initially because. idk. i don't... really like putting myself in boxes#but i brought it up with her this week and she gave me a referral to some places.#i dunno. maybe i'm desperately looking for something that people will actually take seriously#rather than telling me having adhd isn't an excuse for me to not be able to converse like a normal perspn#and that i can't have accommodations because 'that's how life is and it's not fair to everyone else to make exceptions for me'#the things i do for people i care about go unnoticed or get taken for granted#and i spend my whole life living to make other people happy/comfortable and compromise myself for it#and then when i advocate for myself i am being selfish and 'not everything is about you'. and just a complete rewriting of the things i do#i'm so tired. i'm lonely. i don't feel like im allowed to try and make new friends or reconnect with old ones#i should be posting this on my sideblog#fucking overwhelmed. the world is hopeless and im just going through the motions and keeping it all in because my feelings are inconvenient
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