#what once was by her's

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 6)

Part 5 was posted very late and it took me so long to do and tired me out, so I was debating whether or not I should post today or leave it for tomorrow until I remembered that it's VALENTINE'S DAY! I'd be writing about them today anyway, so why not just post? Y'all just have more reading material for later.

Anyway, we just went over the Reo Arc! We know from Natsume's essay that his feelings have done a complete 180 and he's now very into her, but she's not privy to that information. Instead, we'll focus on her side of things and her newfound fondness for him.

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Chapter Seventeen

This last arc was a major turning point for both Natsume and Mikan. The difference is that Natsume has caught feelings (intensely romantic in nature), and Mikan has just started to think of him as a new friend. Just like Natsume doesn’t realize that Mikan has started to understand him better, Mikan is and will continue to be entirely oblivious to his romantic feelings for her. 

Mikan begins her day in a great mood: she’s a single star now and has an immediate promotion in accommodations. She’s made a few more friends and she’s helped rescue somebody. She’s proud of herself. It’s not hard to make Mikan happy. She’s only a single star now, but her increased allowance, nicer room, and tastier food are all a huge step up from her no-star status, so she’s over the moon. By the time she finally gets to class for the first time in a week since the incident, everybody has heard rumors about what happened and is demanding details. Mikan, always eager to be liked and bask under the scope of positive attention, is happy to comply. She and Sumire fight under the spotlight for just a moment until Ruka and Natsume enter the classroom.

Sumire is Mikan’s friend now. She will always be difficult in some ways, but Mikan gets her now. Mikan doesn’t need people to be perfect to like them. She just needs to see that side of goodness, to understand how they work, in order to properly appreciate them. This is why I don’t think she’s a masochist. She’s just more patient than a normal person might be. She is willing to tolerate a certain level of bad behavior if she can see the goodness now and then. She’s always felt that way about Hotaru, and now she can feel that way about Natsume and Sumire. She was able to figure Sumire out, so now they can be friends, in their own special way, even if she isn’t as nice or sweet as one might expect. 

NatsuMikan is able to function solely because Mikan is willing to put in effort. Natsume might love her now but her persistence is what allows them to have any kind of relationship.

Mikan wants that to be the case with Natsume. After all, she learned so much about him during that kidnapping incident. She sees him in an increasingly better light. That must mean she gets him now, that she’s figured him out the same way she’s figured Sumire out. So she smiles at him. That’s what friends do--smile at each other! “Good morning,” she begins to say, but he’s already turned around, intent on ignoring her.

The thing is, Mikan hasn’t figured Natsume out. She’s only gotten more clues to unlocking the bigger picture, but she still has a while to go before she can finally understand him. She might want to be friends with him now, but he’s giving off no indication that he feels the same. 

But Ruka is. He smiles at her and greets her. 

That’s good enough for now. After all, Mikan understands Natsume well enough now to accept that he won’t all of a sudden act like a best friend. She understands Sumire, and she’s starting to figure out Natsume. That’s a good start, and she’s still pleased with it. 

These days everyone is working on the culture fest. Mikan gets little previews of what the other classes are working on, but one by one, all her classmates are summoned away by their ability class teachers. And although Mikan is excited to continue her work on the special ability class’s event, she can’t help but be jealous that her class doesn’t seem to have a teacher. 

She's so insecure she's even jealous of the DA Class for having a teacher. Ridiculous. Trust me, Mikan--you don't want him.

She again feels like a reject, like a loser. Mikan compares herself to others often, creating expectations for herself and her circumstances that wouldn’t exist otherwise. She loves the SA class. It’s a place where she can feel accepted and at home. But other classes work a certain way, so she feels like her class lacking those particular features means that there’s somehow something wrong with her. 

Lucky for her, the SA class does have a teacher, a time-tripper named Nodacchi who is frequently absent because of his chaotic alice. Mikan is very happy with her new teacher. He is just what she wanted from an ability teacher. He’s also intent on helping her train her alice. After all, her alice will be central in making sure their festival event goes smoothly.

Before they begin their training, he gives a tutorial on alice shapes. There are four shapes, and Nodacchi tells her that figuring out which shape her alice has will be important in the future (yes, it will). Mikan is struck with the new realization that an alice can disappear, that her classmates could leave, that she might have to leave. After all, each alice has its own unique lifespan.

Except, as Misaki points out, the fourth type is a little different. With the fourth type, the alice use (which is limitless--to an extent) affects the user’s lifespan. It’s not a matter of leaving the school earlier than planned; it’s a matter of life or death.

Mikan instantly thinks of Natsume.

She figures this out so fast. Don't be fooled by her trying to dispel the "bad thoughts"--she'll always keep this concept in mind.

A genius Alice with an enormous amount of power, who sometimes becomes so weak and exhausted he’s hospitalized? Natsume fits the bill pretty well…

But Mikan is horrified that she randomly thought of Natsume for no good reason and shakes herself.

Mikan is incredibly intuitive. She gets feelings about things and is quick to connect dots. She knows very little about Natsume but is already on the verge of figuring out his alice shape. The thing is that Mikan is ten years old, a little stupid, and her relationship with Natsume is complicated. She’s not consciously evaluating and investigating Natsume. He’s just a bothersome classmate who is a little less bothersome than he was before. If he comes to mind during a lecture, her first instinct isn’t to look closer at why that might be--it’s to shake herself free of those weird unwelcome thoughts and move on. So instead of wondering why she thought of Natsume in relation to conversation about the fourth alice shape, she’s wondering why she thought of Natsume at all. And so she moves it from her mind.

(It’s also worth noting that Mikan has this lesson with Noda after the Reo incident in the manga, whereas in the anime, she has it before. In the anime, it seems more random, thinking of Natsume like that. She has no real reason to assume he’s sickly, but as the anime continues she sees more evidence proving which shape he has. In the manga, she has already seen that he can get ill, and she’ll only see further evidence in the future. Additionally, her refusal to think about it will cease to be about her being naive and begin to be about the fact that she doesn’t want it to be true so she refuses to think about it.)

Now it’s time to start training Mikan’s alice. She’s going to stop Nodacchi from time-tripping, a much more straight-forward approach than she had been anticipating. But she has no time to linger on it, because he’s already starting to disappear. Freaked out and overwhelmed, she tackles him, her alice successfully keeping him grounded. 

Nodacchi is repentant that he used such a scary tactic, but he was sure it would work to unleash her potential. He tells her there was once a person who had the same nullification alice as her. That person used their alice best when they were protecting people. And like father, like daughter, that’s the way it works for Mikan as well. Yes, she can use her alice to protect herself from time to time, but for the most part, her alice is at its best when she’s protecting somebody. 

Another connection to her parents!

We can see yet another connection between Mikan and a mysterious other person. First that woman and now her dad; Mikan only gets little references and suggestions of people who have things in common with her. It’s easy to assume that just because Mikan doesn’t linger on this that she dismisses the information, but we know that’s not true. Mikan feels a connection with her father, as evidenced by the omake we discussed at the beginning of this essay. This does not go above her head, as we’ll see in a chapter or two after the Christmas Ball. I’ll discuss it more later, but it’s still worth it to keep it in mind as we read ahead.

Mikan has already demonstrated that her alice works best protecting others a few times, particularly just now in the Reo Arc, when she was able to stop Natsume from killing himself with her alice. Again, the protective potential of her alice is so incredible that it’s sad she constantly feels insecure about it. As I said, Mikan compares herself with others too much, and when she sees what other alices can do, she starts feeling like there’s something wrong with her when she can’t do the same thing. 

But she is happy to hear that her alice can protect others. She has been concerned since she first discovered her alice that it might be a selfish power. Hearing Nodacchi tell her that somebody with the very same alice focused his power on protecting others and not just himself makes her feel a lot better about her nullification. She can protect people because someone like her was able to do it.

So she excitedly gets ready to continue the training--only for the nullification not to work the next time.

Chapter Eighteen

It’s time for the Alice Culture Festival! 

Mikan is running late for the opening ceremony because she accidentally went to the wrong place on account of being very tired. She’s been doing a lot of alice training, so it’s exhausting for her.

Especially because her alice training is with Natsume.

Because Nodacchi disappeared, Mikan is low on options. She has to train with someone who has an offensive alice, something she can counter, so Hotaru and most of her SA classmates are out of the question. She nullifies pheromones without any effort, so asking Narumi would be no good. Asking Koko would probably be a good idea because she continues to be weak to his alice throughout the manga, but instead she approaches Natsume, who certainly has an offensive alice. He’s her partner too, so he might have extra reason to help her, maybe?

"This is bullying!" "This is humor!" Blah blah. Sure, but it's also an act of love.

I think it’s telling that she approached him. Whether or not he’s nice to her yet is irrelevant. She fully contemplates this later during the Z Arc (and me mentioning this arc so often is maybe foreshadowing that there will be lots to read when those chapters come around) but for now it might be a less conscious thought: so far in the story, her big uses of her alice have involved Natsume’s alice. She’s been most successful with him, so asking him is only natural.

She pleads with him, desperate to train her alice, and is surprised when he easily agrees. But he’s a sadist, and obviously only agreed so that he could torture her! It was a hard few days, she recalls, but ultimately her alice did get better. 

So Mikan and Natsume spent time together. Seeing as Nodacchi gave her the primary goal of refining her alice, Mikan must have spent most of the time she was meant to be working on the culture fest with Natsume. He’s not doing anything anyway, so she can practice with him--and suffer--for most of the time leading up to the beginning of the festival. The details of all this time spent together isn’t shown, but it’s fun to imagine how it went.

(Again you must forgive me for only offering Mikan’s perspective here. This is her essay after all. If you still haven’t read Natsume’s part, feel free to read his parts as they’re more outwardly romantic and for longer.)

As she’s musing on this moment, she trips and falls, leading her to meet the Principal students. They are elegant and kind and Mikan is impressed by them, so much so that she immediately spills about it to Hotaru and Yuu when she finally meets up with them again. Since Sakurano is on stage at that very moment, Yuu gives her a little introduction and tells her that there are Principal students and trainees (like him and Hotaru), and that each ability class has a representative (where is the SA class rep? We shall see). 

That boy is just everywhere. Truly unavoidable.

He goes through the line-up and points them out on stage until he reaches Natsume--presumably the dangerous ability class representative. But not even Yuu knows much about Natsume’s situation or why exactly he’s on stage. Natsume is a mystery to all, and yet everyone seems to know him. The Principal students, just like everyone else, immediately recognize her as Natsume’s partner. According to the school gossip, Mikan cannot be brought up without her relation to Natsume. Natsume, being a special star in addition to the prize of the DA class, being paired up with a random new student is still bizarre, and Narumi caused quite a stir with that decision. Now everybody assumes that there’s something special about Mikan too, and there is, though she doesn’t quite understand it yet.

In any case, the festival has finally started. All preparation has paid off because everything looks wonderful--the sets, the costumes, and all the kinks are worked out. The only problem is that despite their initial enthusiasm, nobody’s coming. The SA attraction is out of the way compared to everybody else, and even if it wasn’t, they still have a reputation for being lame. When they finally find some people walking by, they rush to greet them, only to have their class and attraction torn apart before it’s even tried out. 

Mikan is crushed by this encounter. They don’t need to see it to know that it's bad. The SA class is full of misfits, and while being in the class itself is a blast, not worrying about what others think, the fact of the matter is that other people judge them and look down on them. In a school-wide festival, that kind of prejudice is felt. It feels like all of her insecurities are being laid out--the class is full of useless leftovers, not even worth checking out.

I was always so jealous of Mikan for having an older brother-figure who looked after her like this. They have such a wholesome dynamic.

But Tsubasa cheers her up instantly, reminding her that they’re at the bottom, so they can only go up. If people are prejudiced, then they need to change their minds. They expect garbage, so they’ll be easy to impress. Mikan is instantly back in high spirits, because it’s usually not hard to cheer her up for those who put in the effort.

Just like I talked about Natsume’s weird bond with Tsubasa in his essay, I’ll touch on Mikan’s relationship with him in this one. Tsubasa is like an older brother to Mikan. They’re obviously much closer than just classmates. Though she loves everyone in the SA class, Tsubasa is special to her and their bond is deeper than the ones she shares with the other students. Tsubasa is the first person in the school who understood her and comforted her. He’s just like her in a lot of ways, looked down on and treated like trash for not being a star student. They’re labeled as troublemakers and rejects, but Tsubasa was the first person who didn’t argue with that label, and instead embraced it. It was his words that finally gave Mikan a place to feel like she belonged. Now, he’s able to see when something bothers her and is quickly able to remedy it. Tsubasa is one of Mikan’s healthiest relationships because he looks out for her without creating unfair demands. He wants to cheer her up, but instead of just telling her to smile, he gives her a reason to. 

Sumire, Ruka, and Narumi stop by just in time to see the SA class excited again. Though Sumire insists that they’re only there because they have nothing else to do, they are clearly there to give some support and to be the first customers to try the SA attraction. Mikan compliments their cute Alice in Wonderland themed outfits, and then requests reciprocity, asking if they like her outfit too. She is still the shallow girl she was in the beginning, and seeing as she’s in a cool new outfit of her own for the festival, she wants to be complimented (very cute of her). Narumi is quick to flatter, Sumire is quick to insult, and Ruka doesn’t say much of anything, which is super weird to Mikan.

They start playing and all of them are crushed by the game in a different way. It’s a tough game, and Mikan is the hardest level, the big boss at the end. It’s a clever and engaging game, and in no time at all, it’s a big hit.

Chapter Nineteen

The second Mikan hears word that Natsume of all people has stopped by at her attraction, she abandons her post to go see him.

I can only imagine how that went down--that Mikan heard Natsume was there and then jumped down from her carpet, reasoning that most people don’t reach the end anyway. She doesn’t wait to see him, in any case. Natsume is here! 

She's so excited to see him! He's given her no reason to be excited to see him but she still is!

She’s excited to share her accomplishments with him now, whether it’s the SA event or getting a star rank upgrade. Though she wants validation from everyone, it seems so specific to want attention from somebody so unlikely to give any.

She is very excited to see him, her partner, her new friend, the guy helping her train her alice. He wasn’t aware of it, but he also helped her get pumped for the festival which allowed her to come up with the idea. Mikan is proud of the RPG. She wants to show it off to as many people as she can, and that includes Natsume. Mikan is insecure about a lot of things and she requires a feeling of validation. Having her friends come see her attraction makes her feel proud of herself. Natsume is a tough critic, but he’s here, and she’s so excited to impress him with the game she helped come up with that she wastes no time before she goes to see him. 

Just like with the somatic class visitors, Mikan asks his opinion on her outfit, but for some reason Natsume can’t allow a moment to be nice. He has to ruin everything by being a jerk, and so he pulls her top out and then comments on her flat chest. Mikan’s mood is instantly ruined. That’s just what happens when she gives him a chance to be nice. 

But Tsubasa shows up--reliable and kind Tsubasa--so she has someone to rush to for comfort. 

Natsume is rubbing salt in the wound--insulting the RPG and everyone who is playing it, wondering why anyone would get addicted to such a lame game. 

What Mikan wants is validation and positive attention, like anybody else would want when they’ve created something they’re proud of. For some reason, whenever Natsume is around, he’s just rude, and for seemingly no reason. She wants to think that they could get along, or be friends, but he only ever manages to be unpleasant. And right now, especially hurtful, because this RPG was something she and her class worked on for a long time.

Somehow, Tsubasa manages to convince Natsume to participate.

Mikan is located at the very end of the maze. Most people don’t get that far, and definitely not very quickly. She figures Natsume, despite his rude arrogance, is no exception. So she bides her time and eats a banana, unconcerned.

He must have cheated somehow.

Until Natsume does show up, and rather quickly too. He just wants to get the last test over with, and Mikan doesn’t mind that either, explaining curtly that he has to get her off her carpet in thirty seconds without touching her. She is very proud of the fact that all their training means that she can nullify his alice easily, so he shouldn’t even bother. 

Nobody has managed to pass Mikan. Her task is nearly impossible. She is certain Natsume won’t pass either. She is unmoved by his cockroach attempt and even seems annoyed when he slowly slumps down the wall. He’s been nothing but rude all day so she won’t give him the satisfaction of winning the game, no matter how quickly he got to her level. She’s not going to waste her time worrying about a jerk like that. She tells him flat out that acting sick won’t work, but he’s sweating and breathing heavily, not responding to her. It all feels a little too real, and she calls to him, concerned. Then, she remembers Nodacchi’s lecture and his description of the fourth alice shape. She’d thought of Natsume then, and she thinks of him now. What if he is ill? 

Because she was there during the kidnapping. She saw how weak and sick he was, how much he was struggling. What if this is just like that? What if he’s really sick and he needs help? Mikan thought of Natsume before but quickly dismissed it. We can see now that maybe her dismissal wasn’t entirely due to naivete. She just didn’t want to think about somebody she considers a friend having a shape like that (I’ll talk about this more during the--you guessed it--Z Arc).

Bizarre that he wins this maze purely because she cares about him.

Mikan is so distracted by her worry that she forgets about the RPG for a second (another example of her prioritizing others so much that she can't consider or ponder any other action). Helping Natsume is most important, so she calls out to him again and then jumps off the carpet so she can help him--

Just to be yanked down and pulled into a mocking embrace. And then, to seal the deal: he calls her a moron. 

Mikan has been tricked. Bamboozled. Made a fool of. 

Natsume is the first person to pass the game and Mikan is ashamed of herself for falling for his dirty tricks. He took advantage of her worry and concern and then called her an idiot for caring. Such a jerk. Her anger over being tricked quickly overrides her concern about the fourth alice shape. It's important to note that while this never fully vacates her thoughts, it's something she's more than willing to push aside and not linger on. Any excuse will do and Natsume does a great job in providing them.

She’s upset yet again, clinging to Tsubasa, her only solace in a world of shame and anger, as Natsume picks his prize: one of the SA class members’ lamps. 

Natsume is so lucky that she's not paying attention to Koko.

But instead of picking Tsubasa’s, he picks hers! Koko says something about reading Natsume’s mind to see which one to pick, but Mikan isn’t really listening. All she cares about is that Natsume has ruined her day and is now about to ruin her whole week! How is she supposed to have a fun festival if she has to spend it granting Natsume’s stupid wishes? There’s no way they would be kind or fun wishes, either--probably just another excuse to tease or torment her.

Conclusion

Mikan is put in the unbearable situation of liking Natsume for reasons that are very easy to forget once he opens his mouth. He seems to relish being a jerk, in fact, almost as if to spite her for daring to want to be friends with him. He will continue to challenge her for the rest of the arc.

We have just begun the culture fest! It will maybe take me another two posts to wrap it up, so please bear with me. Tumblr recently raised their image limit so it's way more than ten (I believe it's 30 now) and I thought that meant my Mikan essays could afford to be longer when I post them, that I could include more chapters per post. But no. Absolutely not. Yesterday's entire Reo Arc post took a LOT out of me. Formatting them is very tiresome and exhausting so even though these posts are fun, I don't like spending 3-4 hours on editing each post when my Natsume ones took half that amount. So it'll be more pictures, same amount of text. Probably. Thank you for your patience :)

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[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Expertise can't help you here.

[inkskinned]

i got rickrolled today but it didn't work because i have adblocker installed, so youtube just told me i violated the terms of service. yesterday i was trying to edit a picture as a joke for my girlfriend, and google made me check a box to prove i'm human because i wasn't "searching normally".

it isn't just that capitalism is killing fun and whimsy, it is that any element of entertainment or joy is being fed upon by this mosquito body, one that will suck you dry at any vulnerability.

do you want to meet new friends in your city? download this app, visit our website, sign up for our email list. pay for this class on making a terrarium, on candlemaking, on cooking. it will be 90 dollars a session. you can go to group fitness, but only under our specific gym membership. solve the puzzle, sign up for our puzzle-of-the-month-club. what is a club if not just a paid opportunity - you are all paying for the same thing, which makes you a community.

but you're like me, i know it - you're careful, you try the library meetings and the stuff at the local school and all of that. the problem is that you kind of want really specific opportunities that used to exist. you are so grateful for libraries and the publicly-funded things: they are, however, an exception - and everything they have, they've fought tooth-and-nail to protect. you read a headline about how in many other states, libraries have virtually nothing left.

do you want to meet up with your friends afterwards? gift your friends the discord app. you can choose to go to a cafe (buy a coffee, at least), a bar (money, alcohol) or you can all stay in and catch a movie (streaming) or you can all stay in bed (rent. don't get me started) and scream (noise complaint. ticket at least).

you want to read a new book, but the book has to have 124 buzzwords from tiktok readers that are, like, weirdly horny. you can purchase this audiobook on audible! your podcast isn't on spotify, it's on its own server, pay for a different site. fuck, at least you're supporting artists you like. the art museum just raised their ticket price. once, they had a temporary exhibit that acknowledged that ~85% of their permanent art galleries were from cis white men, and that they had thousands of works by women (even famous women, like frida! georgia o'keefe!) just rotting in their basement. that exhibit lasted for 3 months and then they put everything away again.

walmart proudly supports this strip of land by the street! here are some flowers with wilting leaves. its employees have to pay out-of-pocket for their uniforms. my friend once got fined by the city because she organized a community pick-up of the riverfront, which was technically private property.

no, you cannot afford to take that dance class, neither can i. by the way - i'm a teacher. i'm absolutely not saying "educators shouldn't be paid fairly." i'm saying that when i taught classes, renting a studio went from 20 bucks an hour to 180 in the span of 6 months. no significant changes to the studio were made, except they now list the place as updated and friendly. the heat still doesn't work in the building. i have literally never seen the landlord who ignores my emails. recently they've been renting it out at night as an "unusual nightclub; a once-in-a-lifetime close-knit party." they spent some of those 180 dollars on LEDs and called it renovating. the high heels they invite in have been ruining the marley.

do you want to experience the old internet? do you want to play flash games or get back the temporary joy of club penguin? you can, you just need to pay for it. i have a weird, neurodivergent obsession with occasionally checking in to watch the downfall and NFT-ification of neopets. if i'm honest with you all - i never got into webkins, my family didn't have the money to buy me a pointless elephant. people forget that "being poor" can mean literally "if i buy you that toy, i can't afford rent."

you and i don't have time to make good food, and we don't have the budget for it. we are not gonna be able to host dinner parties, we're not made of money, kid. do you want some kind of 3rd space? a space that isn't home or work or school? you could try being online, but - what places actually exist for you? tiktok counts as social media because you see other people on it, not because they actually talk to you.

there was a local winter tradition of sledding down the hill at my school. kids would use pizza boxes and jackets and whatever worked, howling and laughing. back in september, they made a big announcement that this time, rules were changing, and everyone must pay 10 dollars to participate. when im not scared shitless, i kind of appreciate the environmental irony - it hasn't gone below 40. so much for snow & joyriding.

i saw a bulletin for a local dogwalking group and, nervous about making a good first impression, showed up early. the first guy there grimaced at me. "sorry," he said. "there's a 30-dollar buy-in fee." i thought he was joking. wait. for what? the group doesn't offer anything except friendship and people with whom to walk around the city.

he didn't know the answer. just shrugged at me. "you know," he said. "these days, everything costs money."

[hinamie]

post-graduation trip airport looks

[arcanegifs]

ARCANE LEAGUE OF LEGENDS: 2x09 - “The Dirt Under Your Nails.”

[chloesimaginationthings]

The moment FNAF movie Vanessa knew she fucked up

[akanemnon]

I don't like this place. It's turning everyone edgy and sad.

FIRST - PREVIOUS - NEXT

MASTERPOST (for the full series / FAQ / reference sheets)

[xandrikart]

[puppyeared]

who is your favorite AA character? 👁️👁️

ziska… I hope capcom brings her back someday

[professionalidiot32]

aw look she’s learning metronome :D

SHIT

[catsharky]

Presenting: King Sidon, his wife Queen Yona and his boyfriend Link.

Yona is very supportive of everything except Sidon forgetting his ceremony cues.

(I had an atrocious week and TotK has been coming in clutch for keeping me sane.)

[hollytree33]

Ghilan'nain

So I read the Horror of Hormak

[psychicbby]

imagine being one of dan’s flatmates in his first yr of uni lmfaoo??? like ok here comes this guy and like the first day he shuts himself in his room to play video games. ok cool whatever maybe he’s nervous. most of the time you never see him bc apparently he has an older friend nearby that he’s always with. when he is in the hall he’s burning pasta bc he’s cooking inept and staring down the washer bc he doesn’t understand how to do his own laundry. oh and he makes videos for youtube where he talks to himself (again this is like 2010). so after barely seeing this man the entire term you find out he’s dropped out of uni. ok whatever you never really think about him again until you’re on youtube and you see his face on the homepage. his video has like millions of views and thousands of likes. oh, there’s the friend he was spending all that time with. somehow he’s become some sort of an internet celebrity??? lmfaooooo. what a serve on dan’s part.

[inkskinned]

at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"

like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.

"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."

... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.

and i'd still keep writing.

i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.

i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley

"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"

and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.

it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.

you create because you're greedy.

[arcanegifs]

ARCANE LEAGUE OF LEGENDS: 2x03 - “Finally Got The Name Right”

[chloesimaginationthings]

If Vanny is in the digital circus.. where’s Pomni?