#The truth is: they are both *right* and they are both *wrong*.

[giannaln4]

Sorry Won't Fix This

lando norris x fem reader

summary: Lando makes the biggest mistake of his life, bigger than any apology, and you both hoped there was a way to fix it. Unfortunately, you both wished it at different times. (5.5k words)

warnings: angst, cheating, mentions of sex, manipulation, mede up characters, use of Y/N

a/n: I FINALLY WROTE MORE ANGST! This is a long one and I held nothing back. I really did try to make it as hurtful and dramatic as possible and ngl I was inspired by 'Don't worry darling' for a tiny part of this (you'll know when you read it) but anyway, this one does NOT have a happy ending so please let me know what you think!

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You had a terrible feeling, but you were too scared to look into it, terrified you would be right. 

Truth is, you started feeling like that just a few weeks ago, when you went back to Lando’s apartment to surprise him with lunch and found an empty room and the bed unmade from somebody sleeping on it. Any other day that would’ve been completely normal, but you had stayed with him the night before and made the bed as soon as you both got up to get ready for your separate plans for the day, leaving a perfectly made bed to come back to. 

Before that day, you would’ve never in a million years thought that Lando would cheat on you. He had always been so loving and caring, even before you started dating, and once you officially became a thing, he would constantly remind you how much he loved you, and on special days he was the most romantic person ever, and you always thought that you would spend the rest of your life with him, but now... you didn’t want to think about it, but you couldn’t bury the thought of him with someone else after it crossed your mind briefly while looking at the messy bed.

Later that night you asked him about it, trying hard not to sound like you were accusing him of something, but his excuse just made you feel worse, your suspicions growing.

“What do you mean?” He asked as he inspected his bed, unsure of what was wrong with it. 

“Well, you know, I made the bed this morning before we left, remember?”

“Oh, uh- yeah, I came back to- to take a nap,” he stuttered, not even looking at you. 

But it kept happening, a few more times.

Things started to change after that; he cancelled the plans you made for when he came back home, he suddenly was too busy every day and your presence might be a distraction for all the things he had to get done for the next race, he was so tired at night he didn’t have the energy for anything, and he even asked you to go back to sleep in your own apartment, claiming he just needed to sleep on his own to be comfortable, even though you were used to sleeping together.

Long story short, he was distant; he was never around anymore, and even when he was, you felt like you were missing him. He was just... different, and you were beating herself up wondering what had changed.

He, on the other hand, didn’t miss you, seeing he didn’t make an effort anymore and he could go days without answering a text or returning a call, ​​and it was not because you took a long time to reply; you would always respond in a heartbeat if it was him. If it weren’t for all the times you visited him at his apartment when a news outlet brought up that he was back in Monaco to make sure he was doing okay, you wouldn’t talk to each other at all.

But today you were feeling hopeful. It was your anniversary, and you had a date night planned — a date he didn’t cancel, so you took the entire afternoon to do your nails, your hair, and pick a beautiful dress to wear, his favourite dress. Your makeup took a while, but you still managed to be ready on time for the wonderful night you had ahead, so you made your way to him, your palms sweating when you knocked on the door.

“Y/N? What are you doing here?” Was the first thing he asked, wiping her smile off of her face.

“I thought we would go out tonight,” you replied, looking down at your hands to hide your clear disappointment.

“Oh- I guess I forgot to tell you but I remembered I have an important meeting tomorrow morning, so I’m not gonna make it." The door was barely open, and he was standing where the crack was, blocking his apartment as he held the door with a strong grip.

“Okay,” your voice was so faint you barely heard it yourself. “Do you need anything? I could stay here for a couple of hours.”

“No, don’t worry about it. I think it’s better if you leave.”

Tears pricked your eyes, swallowing the small lump forming in your throat. “Why?”

“Well, I’m busy with a few things. You know, I have a really early day tomorrow, and you can’t really help me with a McLaren meeting, can you?”

You shook your head slowly “I guess I’m leaving then.”

The tears you had been holding started to fall as soon as you turned around; you could feel your mascara clumping on your eyelashes and forming black streaks down your cheeks, ruining the contour and highlight you applied in hopes of impressing your boyfriend. You ran back to your car and let it all out once you closed the door. You really thought things would be different tonight, but you were wrong.

You started driving to your best friend’s house, desperate to vent about how terrible your relationship was going since you had been keeping a secret from everyone; the last thing you needed was the media to get in the middle of this. 

“Oh my god, Y/N. Are you okay?” Mia asked you when she saw the mascara tears.

You shook your head as you stepped inside, small whimpers leaving your lips as you tried to stop the crying.

“What happened?” She took your hand and guided you to the couch.

“Lando.” 

“What about Lando?”

“I think he’s cheating on me." You had never said that out loud, and saying it broke your heart even more. “I wish I was crazy, but the signs... I know he is.”

“I’m not trying to defend him or anything, but what makes you think that?”

“Everything, Mia. He has been acting so... distant. Ever since-” You stopped yourself. You never told anyone your relationship with Lando wasn’t doing so well, making up excuses to cover his. You just wanted to hold on to everyone else’s idea of you two, thinking you were the perfect couple.

“What? Have you guys been fighting?”

You took a deep breath before saying, “Remember the last time I stayed over at his apartment?” She nodded in response, “Well, later that day I went back to surprise him with lunch, but he wasn’t there and the bed was a complete mess, and you know I always make the bed when I wake up. He said he went back to take a nap, but he was supposed to be with Carlos all morning, and it didn’t make sense he had time to come back, take a nap, and then leave again, so I asked Carlos, and they didn’t meet at all that day. Is that insane?”

"No, Y/N, of course not.” Mia didn’t know what to say; she wanted to comfort you but she didn’t know how. “And he’s been acting weird since then?”

You nodded, wiping your tears away. “Yeah, he’s been pushing me away since that day. Telling me he doesn’t have time because he’s so busy with the season, which I understand, but not even answering a couple of texts? And cancelling every date we had planned?”

“Is that what happened today? I thought it was your anniversary.”

“It is.” You were nibbling on your lip profusely, looking up so tears would stop falling. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

“Have you told him how you feel?” You shook your head again; you hated confrontation, and you were hoping you didn’t have to do that. “I think you should go talk to him.”

“Right now?”

“If not now, then when? You say you’ve been feeling like something’s off for a while, but you haven’t said anything to him.”

“I don’t know Mia-”

“If he is cheating on you then you need to break up with him, you don’t deserve to be in that situation, and you deserve to know the truth.”

You inhaled as you considered what Mia just said. She was right, but to be completely honest, you weren’t ready yet. “I really want to know, but I can't.”

“Why not?”

“Because what if he is?” Tears started rolling down your face again, Mia hugging you tight as soon as it happened. “I love him, and... I just want things to go back to normal.”

“I know you do, but believe me, it’s better if you know.”

You stayed there for a while, but ultimately decided to go talk to him, but you needed to put yourself back together before confronting him. Mia helped you to wash your face and fix your hair, comforting you and offering to stay with you once the two of you were done talking. You accepted; you didn’t want to be alone, and Anne, your flatmate, had been going out of town a lot recently, so your apartment was empty, and you knew it’d be a long night.

Once you felt better and ready to talk to him, Mia drove you to his place as you repeated in your head everything you wanted to tell him. You knocked loudly and didn’t stop until he opened. He looked annoyed, and you stormed inside as soon as he opened the door.

“What are you doing?”

“We need to talk.”

“About what?” 

You blinked at him twice. Did he not think you needed to talk? “About us, Lando. What’s going on?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Okay, now you were mad. “Lando, you have been ignoring me for days, and I understand if you’re busy, but it doesn’t explain you pushing me away at all times.”

“I’m sorry if you feel that way.”

There was a moment of silence, both of you staring at each other as you tried to remember the questions you were supposed to ask, but none of them seemed to make sense now that you were standing in front of him “That’s all you’re gonna say?”

“What do you want me to say?” 

“How about you tell me exactly what’s going on?”

You were both raising your voices, but Lando especially. “I told you already, I’ve been busy with the season-”

“I could’ve stayed here with you or gone with you to races if that meant spending more time together, like we have done before.”

“But why would you want to do that?”

“To keep you company, maybe?” 

“But all you do is stand around while I do my job.”

“Lando, do you know how many weeks I’ve spent away from home just so we can be together? And you don’t even care anymore, you didn’t even care to say thank you.”

“I never asked you to come,” he mumbled.

You scoffed before shaking your head. “I wanted to, you know I worry about you when you stress yourself out about a race, you tend to overwork yourself-”

“I. Never. Asked. You. To. Come." He interrupted you, his tone punctuated with each word. “I would’ve been fine without you, I don’t need you in my hair at all times." His eyes hardened, his mouth opening to speak again. “Don’t you have better things to do?”

“I just- I’m your girlfriend, I guess I thought you liked to be with me.”

“I do, but you don’t have to be so clingy all the time.”

You didn’t say anything, hoping you heard it wrong or that he’d apologise, but he didn't. “What?”

“You know, we do everything together and-”

“No, we used to do things together, not everything." You corrected him.

He took a deep breath, as if he was done dealing with you. “Right. Look, I’m tired, we can talk tomorrow.”

You nodded, holding back the tears as you walked towards the door. “Happy anniversary,” you said before slamming it closed and running back to Mia’s car.

Lando sat on his couch with his head between his hands for a moment. How could he forget? He took a deep breath as he got up, looking for a ribbon and a gift he bought for you who knows how long ago.

He made his way to Mia’s flat; he assumed you would be there, and your car parked outside confirmed his suspicions, so he knocked on the door a couple of times before saying, “Baby, I’m sorry. I was caught up in all the things I have to do before leaving, and I didn’t realise what day it was." But he got no response. “Y/N please, I know you’re here. Will you please talk to me?”

“Go away, Lando.” Mia was the one to yell, making Lando realise he would not be able to fix it, not tonight anyway. 

“Okay, I’m leaving this here. I- I love you.”

You called in sick for your job the next day, your sore eyes and pounding headache being the only things you could think about. Well, that and Lando.

You were staring at the gift he bought for your one-year anniversary — what you were supposed to celebrate the day before. It was beautiful, and you couldn’t believe he remembered you mentioning it on one of your first dates ever, but it was the letter inside that broke your heart. It looked... unfinished, like he didn’t even care enough to give it a proper ending, so you were wondering how long ago he stopped working on it.

The days after that were rough, long nights of wondering what you could have possibly done wrong, but even then you didn’t talk to him. He tried to, a couple of times, but you needed a little bit of time.

A couple of weeks went by, and you found yourself alone at your apartment, catching up on the work you missed for calling in sick so many times.

It was your birthday, and Mia insisted a million times you go out and celebrate, clear your head, and forget about Lando once in for all, but somehow it felt wrong; you had made plans with Lando a few months back to bring your family to a race so they could finally meet him, but obviously that wasn’t happening anymore, so what was the point of celebrating? You just needed to focus and get things done anyway.

You were thankful that Mia had been for you through it all; you really were, but sometimes crying alone did more for you than having someone tell you ‘everything's gonna be okay.' You were tired of hearing that.

Hours later, you found yourself with a cup of coffee to finally catch up on the last project. It wasn’t really that much of a workload, and you didn’t need to stay up all night to do that, but you were going to anyway. Perhaps you just wanted to be productive, or maybe that was you trying to occupy your mind from the possibility of your boyfriend cheating on you.

You looked at the clock; it was 11:30 PM. You sighed, typing away whatever you were supposed to on your laptop, your eyes sore from staring at it for too long, when a text message interrupted you.

Unknown [Attachment: 1 photo]

Unknown: I heard they have been at it for a while.

That text message induced such a great shock on your tired, worn-out body, tears falling down your face as soon as you read it. You didn’t want to open it as you were sure of what this was about, but your curiosity got the best of you.

Tapping on the notification, you prepared yourself mentally to confirm your terrible suspicions. And they were confirmed.

Your vision was blurry from the tears, but you were able to see Lando standing next to his new Ferrari, and he was with someone else, except you couldn’t see who it was, the big jacket and a beanie protecting her identity. He was smiling down at her, eyes full of... love? Those green eyes you thought he reserved for you only, but clearly you were wrong. His big hands were around her waist as hers went around his neck, and his lips were stained with lipstick.

You broke down crying, curled up on your bed as you wore one of Lando’s hoodies that still smelt like him. You now knew what the truth was, but you didn’t want to accept it. What happened to you two? When did he stop loving you?

It was like your heart was ripped from your chest; all that time you spent together down the drain like it was nothing, like it all meant nothing to him.

You didn’t know for how long you cried the night before, but it was now 1 PM and you were just waking up, so you probably cried for hours. There was nothing left you could do to save your relationship, so you made up your mind to break up with him as soon as he came back from the American triple header.

Y/N: We need to talk, just let me know when you’re here.

The message was left unanswered, as usual. You rolled your eyes and put your phone down, returning to your video call with Mia.

“Do you know who that is?”

“No, sorry.” 

You sighed as you sipped your hot coffee “What about the number? Do you know who sent the picture?”

“What’s the number? Maybe I can ask around to see if any of my friends know.”

You sent her the phone number, along with the picture of Lando and the other girl. “Thanks. Don’t show anyone that picture thought. I’m already embarrassed as it is.”

“Embarrassed? Y/N, he should be the embarrassed one, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Maybe I did-”

“No, stop doing that to yourself. We both know it’s not your fault.”

You nodded. “I can’t help it. I just don’t understand.”

“Understand what?”

“Was I not enough? Why did he need to find someone else?”

Mia hated to see you going through that, how you felt like you were not enough or that it all ended because of you, and she hated Lando for causing all of that. “I know it’s hard right now, but I promise you’ll understand that none of this is your fault. Y/N you’re amazing, and he’s an idiot for not realising.”

Talking to her made you feel better, but all those terrible emotions came back whenever you looked at the picture again, a million questions invading your mind. How long has he been doing this? Who is she? Does he still love you? What did you do wrong?

A couple of days later, Lando finally replied to your text.

Lando: Just got back. I’m in my apartment

Your heart sank at the notification; you didn’t want to talk to him; you didn’t want things to be over. There was still a part of you that hoped everything was just a misunderstanding, hoping he wasn’t cheating on you and she was just a friend. But deep down you knew the truth, and the possibility of it being a mix-up was down to zero, and after he made it clear that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore, you decided to fulfil his wishes.

It was a long drive to his home; it felt longer than usual, but maybe you were just dreading the conversation you knew was about to happen.

You took a deep breath before knocking on the door, Lando opening it almost right away.

"Hey,” he said faintly, worried he got caught.

“Hi.” You entered the apartment you once thought you would move into and looked around. You had been there a million times, and so many of those times were special little moments you shared together, but right now it felt like you were disconnected from the space. “How was the triple header?”

“Not great- I don’t know. It was messy, I guess." He tried to give you a smile but stopped himself when he noticed your stare full of fury. “What did you want to talk about?”

Seriously? “I’m breaking up with you." Your voice was weak, but you did not dare let a tear slip past your waterline; he didn’t deserve to see you cry. 

“What?” The shock in his eyes looked so real that you almost believed him “Why?”

“Did you really just ask that?”

“So that’s it? We’re over?”

“Lando, come on, we’ve been over for a while." You stepped closer to him, pain and anger written all over your face as the tears struggled to stay on your eyes. “We didn’t even feel like a couple anymore. Lando, you forgot our anniversary, and that day you made it clear you wanted nothing to do with me. And to think I planned a beautiful night for us and bought you a great gift. Do you have any idea how stupid I felt?” 

“I didn’t know you were feeling like that.”

“Of course not, when have you ever listened to me anyway?”

Lando rolled his eyes “Okay, I understand, but we don’t have to break up, I already explained what happened that day, I was busy and completely lost track of time.”

“And I guess she doesn’t have anything to do with this?” You showed him the picture, his demeanour changing immediately.

“Y/N, I- I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry." His eyes and his voice softened as he tried to reach for you, but you turned around and wiped the tears that managed to leave your eyes, a million questions flooding your mind again.

“So it’s true." You were just confirming to yourself what you already knew. Anger and pain washed over your body. Why her? Why her when you’ve been nothing but perfect to the man you loved the most?

“Baby, I can explain.” 

You turned around to face him again “Who is she?” He shook his head, his eyes begging you not to make him say it while yours watered, “Who is she?” You repeated.

“You don’t wanna know.”

“Why? Cause I might find out you’re cheating?”

A few tears started to roll down his face, his hands desperate to hold yours. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Cause you’re gonna hate me even more." You stared at him, even more tears falling as you tried to think who the girl could be. 

“Did you two- did you sleep with her?” His nod was barely perceptible; if you didn’t already know the answer, you would’ve missed it. Maybe he was right; maybe it’d be better if you didn’t know. 

“I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry.”

“Stop it.”

“I know I fucked up, but she doesn’t mean anything to me, I swear.”

“Shut up, Lando. I just… I don’t understand.”

“Let me explain-”

“And I don’t care how many times you apologise, how do you expect me to forgive you?” You took a couple of steps back, trying to figure out what caused him to do such a thing. “Even if we stayed together and got married and started a family, how can I ever look at you and not think about that?”

"Baby, I want all of that, I want the rest of my life with you, like we talked.”

“That was before you ruined everything.”

“I know what i did is wrong-”

“Wrong?”

“But we can work this out.”

“What? No, Lando, stop.”

“Just give me another chance, please.”

“Is that why you've been so distant, huh? Was she here on our anniversary?” Lando didn’t say anything, and the flashes from Lnado’s knuckles turning white from holding the door closed that night creeped your mind. Your heart ached so much that every time you breathed deeply, it was scorching you to the core “How could you do that?”

“I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologising.”

“You know I didn’t mean it.”

“Just stop… god.”

“Y/N just hear me out, I swear it only happened once.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I know that’s not true. Do you know how many times I came to an unmade bed? And how many excuses you made?” He stayed silent. “I don’t care how many times it happened, you still did it and nothing is gonna change that.”

“I know.”

“You’ve been hurt before, right? What if I was the one cheating? Would you just forget it ever happened and come back to me?” Once again, he didn’t say anything. “No. Of course you wouldn’t. Lando, how could I ever forget what you did? Or everything you said to me when we were fighting, and the fact that you lied and- and cheated-”

“But you came all the way here.”

“Because I care, and you... you never cared, you never tried-”

“I care, I care so much. Baby, please, you have to believe me." He tried to reach out to you, but you pushed his hand away.

"No, you don’t, and if I’m here, it’s because I know after this we’ll never see each other again, we’ll never talk again and this just has to end.”

“But I don’t want it to end.”

“Well, you ended it when you cheated on me.”

He stared at you for a moment before continuing. “But… I want you, she didn’t mean anything to  me." He approached you again, his hope growing a little when you didn’t stop him. He put a strand of hair behind your ear, softly brushing your cheek. “I know I fucked up but I can’t go on without you, I just can't.”

“Well you have, countless times while I was left in the dark wondering if I had done something wrong, crying myself to sleep when I couldn’t get a hold of you, Lando, and in the meantime you were with her.”

“I’m sorry-”

“And you have the nerve to say all that shit to me, acting like I was suffocating you when in reality I was trying to save us!” You pushed him away.

“I’m so sorry.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Y/N, I’m sorry, please let’s talk about it.”

“Fine, let’s talk about it. Was she worth it?” He shook his head, ready to leave his pride behind as he kneeled in front of you and grabbed one of your hands. “What are you doing? Stop.”

“I promise it was an accident, it won’t happen again.”

“An accident? Lando, are you hearing yourself right now?”

“Please, don’t let me go." The grip on your hand tightened, pulling you closer to him.

“Isn’t that what you wanted?” 

“No. I don’t want anyone else, I want you, Y/N”

“You don’t have to worry about me anymore.”

“But everything I said... I meant it, I love you Y/N and every second we’ve been together has meant everything to me. Baby, you have to understand.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying, you know I’m not." You pushed his hand away, rolling your eyes when another tear rolled down his face. “I know I don’t deserve it but please... just one more chance and I can fix this.”

“Give you a chance? I gave you a chance when I believed your excuses, when I forgave you for cancelling every date we had planned, when I tried to understand why you locked me out, and when I almost forgave you for forgetting our anniversary, I gave you so many fucking chances!”

“But I swear it wasn’t like that, she meant nothing.”

“You’re unbelievable… god, what are you saying?”

“Just think about how great we are together,” he said, trying to hold your torso, but once again you stopped him. 

“Lando, stop that.”

“We’re a great team, aren’t we? We understand each other so well, we know each other better than anyone else, god, I’ll do anything, I swear.”

“No, it’s not gonna work.”

“Yes it will, and I’ll make sure of that.”

“No.” You were having a hard time blocking out how much love you still had for him, but you weren’t forgiving him; there was no way.

“I swear I don’t want anyone else." He held your hands and started kissing them, his lips giving you a sense of home that you missed. "Y/N, please, I love you.” 

You nodded weakly as you started crying again.

“You know I love you and I would do anything for you." He continued kissing you, a few tears falling on your hands. “Do you still love me?”

“I love you... Lan-” You released one of your hands from his grip, squeezing your eyes shut and covering your face.

“See? It will work, we will make it work." You shook your head; you were feeling stupid for almost falling for that. "Baby, look at me, it’s going to be okay, I promise.”

A moment of silence fell into the room as you collected your thoughts again, and he just looked at you hopeful that he could get you back. “Who is she?” You dared to repeat the question as you looked at him again.

He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, his voice barely above a whisper when he finally answered. "Annie.”

Annie, your flatmate Annie. She had never met Lando before you, and she wasn’t interested in who he was when you first told her you started dating him, so you were the reason they knew each other for all those times he picked you up from your place, and even then you never considered them to be friends; they barely exchanged any words when they ran into each other. You felt betrayed on a whole new level, not only by Lando but by her too. You had lived with her for so long, literally since the day you moved to Monaco, so you thought of her as one of your closest friends; how could she do that? And these past weeks, when she had been mourning your relationship with Lando, she was there the whole time, and she knew exactly what was happening.

“How long?”

You were getting annoyed at how long it was taking him to answer your simple questions. “The day we went to meet my parents... I drove to your apartment to pick you up, but you weren’t there yet.”

“So you did it at my place?” It wasn’t really a question, and you felt even more disgusted at the thought of them in your own home.

“It was one moment of weakness.”

“One moment of weakness?” He nodded, his hands now holding on to your hips. “But it didn't stop there, did it?”

“I’m sorry.”

You swiped the tears away as you prepared to ask the question you had been asking yourself for weeks. “What does she give you that I can't?”

Lando shook his head quickly. “Nothing, you’re everything I could ever ask for.”

“Then why did you do that?”

He didn’t have an answer; he didn’t really know how it happened or why it kept going, but he couldn’t deny he was enjoying it before he got caught. “I don’t know." He whispered.

“Do you love her?”

“No, of course not. I love you." He was holding you tighter, convinced that if he held you long enough, you would want to stay.

“Oh my god, I’m so stupid.”

“You know it didn’t mean anything, it was a mistake-”

“Get your hands off me, I’m leaving,” you said as you tried to free yourself.

“Baby, please don’t leave, you have to hear me out.”

“Lando, let go. I don’t wanna be here." Your words struggled to come out from how much you were crying. 

“Please don’t, I don’t wanna let you go." He looked up at you, his eyes begging for forgiveness. “Let’s just talk about it, yeah? Let me explain.”

“Save it, Lando, it’s over.” 

“I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. This is obviously my fault, so I’ll do whatever it takes to get you to stay, just please, one more chance is all I’m asking for.” You finally freed yourself, and your only goal was to go back to your apartment and cry all your pain away. You turned around and headed to the door; his hand tried to come to stop you, but you flinched away. You couldn’t bear to hear another word from him. "Baby, please, I love you.”

You turned around to face him one last time, spotting Lando still on his knees in the middle of his living room. “So you’ve said, but how can you hurt someone you claim to love so much?” He was about to say something, but you didn’t wanna hear it. “There’s nothing you can do to get me to stay, you threw everything away.”

“I know, my love, but-”

“I’m gonna leave and you’re gonna stay here, just… leave me alone, I don’t ever wanna see you again.”

You exited the room, leaving Lando alone and a complete mess. He regretted what he did, and he wanted to think that if you would just give him a chance to explain himself, you’d forgive him. But he knew that would never be the case and that his mistake was bigger than any apology; you were right to leave him.

He stared at the door for too long, taking in every emotion he was feeling: remorse, anger, pain, agony... he just felt like life was being sucked out of his body because he ruined the most important part of it, and there’s no one to blame but himself.

[felassan]

David Gaider on Flemeth, under a cut for length:

"I have a type. I admit it. There are certain wells I can return to repeatedly and always find something new to explore. One of them is older female characters. Mike used to rib me about it. Consider Wynne. Meredith. Genevieve. And, of course, the biggie: Flemeth. Why are they a type? I... don't know, honestly. I guess I have a feeling that older men fade, they strive to regain their youth or establish a legacy and we've seen that story a thousand times, but older women? They become free to become something new. I guess I see so many possibilities in that. I had a conception of who Flemeth was, and why, right from the very start. Her creation went hand in hand with Morrigan, as a being whose thirst for retribution hundreds of years ago attracted an entity (slight confession: I didn't know Mythal specifically, at the time, "an elven god" was enough). I also knew where Morrigan was right and very wrong about her. Misconceptions of the truth are built into DA's foundation, and they were fundamental to this mother-daughter relationship I was building. Like many seeds I'd put in the world, however, I had no idea whether I'd ever get to explore it. Knowing that she was a character of possible future importance, if not a major player in DAO, I wasn't much surprised when she was one of the first cuts the art team made in terms of getting a unique appearance. Thus the "batty old woman" players met in DAO. Not as hard a cut as the Qunari, though."

"Going into DA2, I wanted both Morrigan and Flemeth, but we could only have one. So I picked Flemeth. This was the game where she really got to come into her own. I remember the art team coming and asking if it was OK if she got a new model, as it'd be a retcon of sorts. I didn't care. I wanted it. I honestly don't remember whether Kate Mulgrew was cast before or after Claudia. After, I think? All I recall is that Cab came into my office one day and asked if Kate might be a good fit. Asked me, the dyed-in-the-wool Trekkie who had stuck with Voyager even through the admittedly lean years? The squeal I made was un-manly. Cab took that as a "yes". 😅 I didn't get to talk to Kate until DA2, however. Schedules being what they were, we had a tight window to record Flemeth... so I had to write all her scenes before almost anything else in DA2 was written, before I even had a team! Ack! It was OK, though, for the most part. I knew where I wanted to take her, and a big part of it was going to explain her transition - to set her up for the future. So I whipped up a script in, like, two days and off we went. Kate was a marvel in the booth. She adored Flemeth and you could really tell. I didn't get to meet Kate in person, however, until DAI. This came pretty late in its development, compared to when we recorded her for DA2, and we flew down to Virginia (to accommodate her schedule - she was writing her memoir at the time, I think) for a single session. It was going to be *tight*."

"I was a mess. I was finally going to meet Captain Janeway... and yes yes, I know she's also more than that. But come ON. When we sat down, I figured I'd have to talk her through the character all over again. It'd been years since that one session at the start of DA2, right? And even more since DAO. But, no. Kate remembered Flemeth perfectly. I remember sitting there as she told me how much she loved the character, how rare it was to get one with so much texture and possibility. She called out my writing - my writing! - and waxed poetic about how she viewed Flemeth's arc. I... I was floored. 🫠 Then we began recording. One issue that quickly reared its head was how Caroline had to speed through the lines if we hoped to finish. Kate was a trooper, and most takes she'd get it in one (which is rare), but I was alarmed because we weren't giving Kate time to read the VO comments on each line. I brought it up, as there were some lines (so much sarcasm) that required nuance - Kate was getting them, oddly, but I was worried. "Oh, it's fine," Kate said. "I read the comments as we go." "How could you? We're going so fast!" "I'm a speed reader." Oh. OK, then. That certainly explained it. 😁 We got to the confrontation scene with Morrigan and she nailed it. Over and over. More than once, Caroline would make a call and, before I could even interject and say "no, Kate had it right, actually" Kate would explain exactly why she did it that way and why it worked for Flemeth. I was in love. She did the "I will see her avenged!" section all in one go. I got chills. Then we got to the final scene. You know the one. With Solas. It was this beautiful moment. She took it somewhere quiet and sad... and when she got to that last line, we all felt it: Flemeth was dead. Everyone was in tears. I suppose I could talk more about the process. How she started off aligned with Morrigan's original Delirium inspiration, but I didn't pull back her loopy way of talking as much (bet you wondered). I still don't know why it was so easy to slip into her voice, but I'm grateful I got the chance. ❤️"

[source thread]

[writerpeach]

I've lost count how many times I've been down bad for Annyeongz's legs

Both of them sitting on your lap, crossing their legs to firmly tighten their thighs together, the perfect shape to caress in the palm of your hands.

They are getting comfy to the point of just nonchalantly kicking off their heels, hearing them go 'kick clack' on the hard floor. Their well manicured feet slightly dangling in the air, toes barely touching the ground, forming the perfect arc with their soles.

If they 'force' you to choose who has currently the best legs, would you follow your gut and tell them the truth?

If this was the previous Peach then Yujin would probably win hands down. Now though... I'm not so sure... 🤔🧐

dammit frisky

---

You've never been so happy to have such a dilemma and these options. You have the best of both worlds; the smoothness of Wonyoung's long creamy legs or the deliciousness of Yujin's more powerful, thicker thighs—equally irresistible and silky soft when wrapped around your head, around your waist, never letting you go.

"Daddy likes my legs better, right?" Wonyoung questions, pulling her short dress even higher up, leaving you unable to help yourself, the urge to reach out, running a hand all along her inner thigh.

Yujin meanwhile does the same and scoots in closer, opening the buttons of your shirt and tracing her delicate finger up your bare chest until it reaches under your chin, lifting it upward, forcing eye contact. "Don't get ahead of yourself, princess. Daddy knows mine are the best. He loves having them on his strong shoulders while he drives his big, fat cock into me all night long. Isn't that right?"

Wonyoung, despite the cute little huff, isn't fazed as Yujin responds, narrowing her eyes at the youngest. You can sense the competitiveness building inside both of them, these two sets of manicured fingers roaming all over your chest. You swallow hard, already too distracted as the pair press lips against your neck and tease, just wanting to steal attention their way.

"Daddy loves when my legs are in the air, when I'm all folded up for him, letting him plunge into every deepest fucking part of me, nothing to stop him," Wonyoung adds with a cheeky, innocent look that stirs heat deep in the pit of your stomach. "I know daddy loves breeding me and pumping me full of his hot cum more than he loves anything else."

Yujin breaks off from her deep kiss that's already left a mark on your neck, looking Wonyoung in the eye with an intensity, a heat you've seldom seen on the girl, shaking her head. "Maybe, princess—but daddy loves fucking his thick load deep into my tight little cunt when I wrap my legs so tight around him that he can't possibly pull out. There's nothing he loves more than completely emptying his balls inside me while I'm all hot and sweaty."

"Slut."

"And proud of it. Jealous that daddy loves to creampie me so much? Sorry, it's not my fault that you can't handle such a big cock. I'm sure someday you'll get there," Yujin returns, never breaking eye contact and maintaining a constant smirk of triumph.

Wonyoung scoffs. She definitely won't admit defeat. And Yujin simply grins at the unsuccessful attempts to conceal her clear anger, the frustration. "Daddy, choose now. Me or Yujinnie. Come on, prove her wrong."

Just the thought of choosing either of them is torturous and absolutely impossible.

So you refuse to.

Yujin can't hide the amusement when you pick neither of them, instead silencing Wonyoung with a kiss, quieting whatever protests are rising in her throat. This is the sign for the three of you to form some semblance of a triple kiss, before switching between Wonyoung and Yujin, until you eventually lean back and watch the two of them make out all sloppily, swapping saliva and realizing how easy it is to shut Wonyoung up.

Then with this fleeting glance shared between the three of you, it's Yujin who speaks first, sliding the straps of Wonyoung's dress off and groping her chest, sucking, slobbering on those pretty nipples.

"Now that this is settled, help me get these clothes off this fucking brat. We've got a nice, big comfortable couch to ruin the princess on. Don't we, daddy?"

[shrimpybbq]

high school gf au thoughts….

they’ve had two kids already by the time they’re ~22-23, and they think that’s it - they’re done. 2 kids, a boy and a girl. no more.

i 100% believe the cameron’s are victims of an accidental baby (not like the last two weren’t also accidents…). the couple have a very healthy sex life and they’re still so young, so high school gf gets an iud. they last ages right, so they’ll be fine. wrong. life just gets so busy, and she forgets to get it replaced and changed. rafe is the worlds biggest fan of cumming inside his girl, and they don’t use condoms either, and truth be told, they go at it multiple times a week and for multiple rounds (stamina!).

so one day when she starts feeling nauseous in the morning, sensitive in the chest, and irritable for no reason, she thinks she’s just sick or something. it’s only when she checks her calendar and notices a missed doctors appointment that it hits. she should’ve predicted this with how insatiable rafe’s appetite is, but alas, here they are. they’re probably only both like 28 or 29 too, and both just react like “oh shit”.

and that’s how the cameron family becomes 5. they’ve got 3 kids before most of the people on figure 8 even have their first, but who really can blame either half of the couple when their spouse is so attractive. the women on figure 8 froth at the mouth over the dilf that is rafe cameron, and the sleazy men can’t get over how good mrs cameron looks, even with two mischievous children by her side.

moral of the story is i would give both rafe and drew as many children as they wanted, and evidently so would high school gf. she definitely pleads with him to get a vasectomy after though….

inspired by @yuckblushin saying she would give rafe a third kid hehe

[demonpiratehuntress]

clowns

taglist - @kabloswrld

OPLA!Zoro x F!Reader

summary - clowns are terrifying, and your first encounter with one leaves you traumatised. lucky for you, you have a big strong swordsman as a boyfriend.

warnings - CLOWNS (yes they should ALWAYS be a warning and yes Buggy scares me), you and Zoro are/were both pirate hunters

a/n - i count myself lucky i don't have circuses where i live, because if i ever see a clown i will run the other way

Not only did you not expect to join a pirate crew, but you far from thought your first encounter as a "crew" would be facing your worst nightmare.

The minute you saw the bright red nose and funny make-up, you stiffened. Your eyes went wide and you became unresponsive, like you couldn't hear them talking or feel Zoro's subtle protective touches. You were too focused on the clown in front of you, terrified to your core.

"What's wrong with her?" Buggy noticed your stare, and waved his hand in front of your face. "Can she hear me?"

Zoro growled and put himself between you and the clown pirate, "Eyes on me, Binky." He knew that wasn't the clown's name, but Luffy's mistake would serve him well in getting Buggy's attention off you.

Sure enough, the clown scowled and looked at him, "Buggy! It's not that hard to remember!"

You were relieved that the clown was no longer focusing on you, but just the sight of him was rattling you to your core. While he was distracted, you took it as your opportunity to turn and run.

Now let it be said that you do not run easily from anything. You and Zoro were pirate hunters, or had been until you'd been roped into this, and you had faced some nasty, dangerous threats. You were hardened, and almost nothing shook you.

Except clowns.

Funny how the one thing you steered clear of found you first the moment you aligned yourself with others.

Before you could get far, some of his circus freaks grabbed you and brought you back. The clown was still talking about himself, but chuckled when his goons brought you back into the tent.

"What's wrong, pirate hunter?" He sneered. "Scared?"

"Hey!" Luffy beat Zoro this time, "Leave her alone."

And things went downhill from there.

You were, for some reason, separated from the group. So was Luffy, but that's because Buggy was interrogating him. Nami and Zoro had been escorted somewhere else, leaving you on your own in another side room, panicking and growing more and more nauseous. To make matters worse, Luffy started screaming from wherever he was.

A while later, the clown walked into your room.

Your eyes went wide, and you struggled against the rope holding you to the wooden beam.

"I'm surprised," he spoke, "You have a reputation that made even some of my men nervous. And yet...you can't even look me in the eye." He stopped right in front of you, "Why's that?"

You tried your best to look away, turning your head sideways and finding something else to focus on. You couldn't speak, and you were trembling. Nothing had ever shaken you like this, ever. But clowns for some reason...you couldn't handle them.

"Is it the nose?" He asked mockingly, although he sounded a bit annoyed at the mention of his large appendage again. He forced you to look at him, gripping your chin in his gloved hands. "Hmm?"

"Leave me alone," you managed to get out through gritted teeth.

"Your captain isn't being very cooperative," he ignored your request, "So I have a lot of time to spend here with you."

"Why me?" You tried to glare, but you knew you looked scared. Because you were.

"Fear is a good motivator for telling the truth," he finally let go of your chin, walking around you and sizing you up. "Your friends will be tough to convince, but you...you don't like clowns, right? I'll leave you alone if you tell me where the map is."

"Do your worst," you breathed out, a little shakily, but you were determined not to cave. Not for this idiot.

He growled, and in an instant he was in front of you again, holding a knife to your throat while putting his frightening face right up in yours, "Tell me where it is!"

The sound you let out was something between a squeak and a yelp, fear once again overcoming your body at the clown's proximity. It wasn't so much the knife pressed against your jugular, it was the fact that your worst fear was inches away from you. You clenched your fists, trying to control your shaking, but it didn't work. And he was amused by your terror.

"I'm going to check on your captain," he stepped back, "If he doesn't give me an answer, I'm coming right back here and I promise I'll leave a scar." Then he left, and you could breathe again.

But that's when the tears came.

You didn't really sob, you just stayed there crying silently. Your body trembled, mind numb with fear and shock. His face was burned into your mind, and shutting your eyes only made your panic worse.

That's how Zoro found you, tied up and shaking with glassy eyes.

"What did he do to you?" The swordsman asked when he cut you loose, grabbing and squeezing your arms gently. "(Name), what did he do?"

You just shook your head, unable to speak, and sought his comfort by burying your face in his neck and crying even more. The more you shook, the angrier he got. But he held you for as long as you needed, knowing Nami would be okay with finding Luffy on her own. You were Zoro's priority.

You finally let go a few minutes later, wiping your face, "Let's go help the others."

He nodded, guiding you out the room.

The trauma stuck with you for a few days after the three of you escaped him, evident one night when you woke up sweating and shaking. Zoro was a deep sleeper, but he had a sixth sense reserved just for you, so he was woken up by your outburst.

Zoro wasn't good with words, but he was definitely good at comforting you through actions. He never had to say anything, he just wrapped his strong arms around you and you were slowly soothed. You just had to lean against his chest, enveloped in his arms, and you would slowly calm down. His gentle kisses atop your head also helped, his affection never failing to get your mind off whatever was worrying you.

In Syrup Village, you spotted a poster of the clown pirate and started hyperventilating. Zoro immediately turned you away from it and cupped your cheeks in his hands, making you look at him.

"Hey, focus on me," he told you, "Just me. I'm here. You're fine." He used a gentle, soft tone, one reserved just for you.

You tried to breathe, eyes locked on his face, concentrating on his warm brown ones that held so much concern for you. The eyes that always comforted you with just a look. Slowly your breathing evened out, and Zoro embraced you, this time not caring that you were in public.

"You're okay."

You nodded slowly, taking a deep breath, "Thanks, Zoro."

He just nodded, giving you one last forehead kiss, "If we ever see him again, I'm going to cut him up and throw him in the ocean."

You managed a weak smile, grateful to have such a protective boyfriend. His actions always proved how devoted he was, even if they were a little violent. You wouldn't have it any other way.

"You do that."

[daisymbin]

I love your work!!!! Would you mind writing about Vernon with prompts #37 and #39 from the angst list? With a happy ending please❤️

thank you!!! & yes, surely!! 🤍 I hope this gives you some kind of comfort 🥺

request your own: full prompt list!

check out my masterlist! // hansol's m.list

angst prompt #37: "don't walk away from me." +

angst prompt #39: "why are you pushing me away?"

you hated fighting with hansol. it never sat well with you. you would rather bottle up your feelings, try to forget, and go on with the day than let things come to the surface. but tonight had been different. maybe it was the long hours at work, the stress, the underlying tension that neither of you had addressed. whatever it was, it had escalated, and now you were here.

"you never listen to me," hansol snapped, his voice rising. "i've been trying to talk to you about this for weeks."

you could feel the weight of his frustration, but the emotions boiling up inside of you made it impossible to stay. “i’m not doing this, sol,” you muttered, stepping back. “i can’t deal with this right now.”

“don’t walk away from me,” hansol’s voice cracked as he grabbed your wrist, pulling you back. his face was a mix of hurt and anger, eyes wide with frustration. “why are you pushing me away?”

you winced at his words. why? because you were scared. scared of saying the wrong thing, scared of facing the truth. “i’m not pushing you away, i just need some space,” you tried to explain, voice trembling.

“space?” hansol’s grip tightened slightly, though it wasn’t painful. “you always need space. why can't we ever talk things out like adults? why do you always shut me out?”

“i’m not shutting you out, okay?” you raised your voice, feeling the sting of the argument. “i just... i just don’t know how to deal with this!” the words spilled out before you could stop them, and you immediately regretted it.

“what do you mean you don’t know how to deal with it?” hansol’s expression faltered, confusion flooding his features. “baby, we’re supposed to be a team, but you keep pushing me away, it hurts.” his voice softened, and you could see the genuine pain in his eyes.

you took a step back, avoiding his gaze. “i can’t handle confrontation, okay? i don’t know how to argue without feeling like i’m failing.” the words felt heavy on your chest, but you couldn’t stop them. “i hate fighting. i just... i just want everything to go back to normal.”

"but it's not normal," hansol said, his voice tight. "you're making it harder for both of us when you don’t talk to me. when you don’t let me in. i can’t keep doing this."

you took another step back, your heart pounding. “i’m sorry,” you whispered, looking at the ground. “i didn’t mean to hurt you. i just... i don’t know what to do anymore.”

hansol let out a breath, stepping closer to you. his hand reached for yours, but you pulled away slightly, unsure of how to respond. his voice was soft, full of raw emotion as he repeated, "why are you pushing me away?"

your eyes welled up, and you could feel the lump in your throat. "because i'm scared, hansol. i'm scared that if i open up too much, if i let you in too much, i’ll lose myself. i’ve always been afraid of that." you wiped your eyes, refusing to look at him. "i don’t want to lose you, but i’m scared i’ll mess everything up."

the silence between you both was suffocating. hansol looked at you, eyes filled with concern and something more—something you couldn’t decipher. after a few moments, he stepped forward again, this time more cautiously, gently. “baby," he started, his voice almost a whisper. “i’m not going anywhere. i won’t leave you.”

you shook your head. "but i keep pushing you away. i don’t know how to stop. i don't know how to let you in."

hansol's expression softened, and he took a deep breath, his voice full of sincerity. "you're not alone in this, okay? you don’t have to carry everything on your own. i’m here. i’ve always been here. i just want to help, but you have to let me."

his words hit you like a wave, overwhelming in their kindness. you felt the weight of your fears, of all the walls you had built, slowly start to crumble. your tears started flowing freely, no longer held back by the fear of letting yourself be vulnerable.

“i’m sorry,” you whispered, choking on the words. “i don’t know why i do this. i don’t know how to fix it.”

he gently cupped your face, guiding you to meet his gaze. “you don’t have to fix it alone. we’ll fix it together.” his thumb brushed away a stray tear, and you could feel the sincerity in his touch. "you’re not perfect, but neither am i. but we’ll make it work. if you’ll let me.”

you nodded, your chest tight with emotion. “i don’t want to keep pushing you away. i’m just so afraid... i don’t know how to handle all of this.” you took a shaky breath. “but i don’t want to lose you.”

he pulled you into an embrace, holding you tightly, as though afraid you’d disappear if he let go. "you’re not going to lose me. i’m not going anywhere, baby." he whispered into your hair, his voice a soft promise. “we’ll take it slow. no pressure. just... don’t shut me out again, okay?”

you clung to him, finally letting yourself sink into the comfort of his warmth, the reassurance you had been craving all along. “i promise," you murmured against his chest. "i won’t shut you out. i’ll try.”

hansol held you for a long time, neither of you saying anything, just the sound of your breaths filling the space. for the first time in days, everything felt right again. the tension was gone, and all that was left was the quiet comfort of being together.

you were scared. you were always going to be scared. but with hansol, you knew you didn’t have to face that fear alone anymore.

[brookaboo]

not without you

kei tsukishima x reader

summary: Tsukishima and his girlfriend get into a petty argument, leading her to sleep on the couch. Despite his salty attitude, Tsukishima can’t stand the distance

The apartment was quiet, save for the low hum of the refrigerator and the soft tick of the clock on the wall. Tsukishima sat on the couch, arms crossed tightly over his chest, eyes trained on his phone but not really seeing it. His mind replayed the argument from earlier—one of those petty disagreements that seemed to snowball for no reason at all.

You had said something about how he never listened to you, and he had snapped back, as always, with his usual sarcastic quip. It had escalated from there, the sharpness of his words cutting deeper than usual, both of you too stubborn to back down.

And now you were on the couch, lying on your side with your back to him, trying to make some kind of statement by not sharing the bed. The blanket you had pulled over yourself was twisted, not quite enough to keep you warm, but you weren't about to admit you were cold.

Tsukishima had been petty enough to let you sleep there. He wasn’t going to apologize, not right away. He’d let you cool off.

But the longer the silence stretched between the two of you, the more he felt that familiar, annoying tug at his chest. He hated being wrong, and he hated this distance between you even more.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "You know, you're really being childish about this," he muttered under his breath.

He glanced at you again, the curve of your back almost mocking him in its stillness. The truth was, he hated being apart from you, even for something as dumb as this. He wasn’t going to admit it, though. Not out loud.

Time passed. Tsukishima tried to distract himself, but all he could think about was how weird it felt, how uncomfortable it was to not be close to you. The couch was too big, the space between you and him too wide.

He couldn't sleep without you.

After a few more minutes, he gritted his teeth and stood up. His usual smoothness was replaced with a slight awkwardness, the realization that he hated the tension more than the argument itself sinking in. He walked over to the couch, trying to act like he wasn’t feeling anything—his usual “I don’t care” attitude kicking in.

You stayed still, though, pretending to sleep, your breathing steady, betraying the way your mind raced.

Tsukishima smirked to himself. "Pretending to sleep, huh? Real mature."

He could feel the warmth of the room, the familiar scent of your shampoo mixing with the cool air around him. And, despite the petty fight, his heart couldn't ignore the pull. He crouched down and, with a soft grunt, carefully scooped you up from the couch.

You opened one eye, but he was already looking at you with that sharp, unamused expression.

"What do you think you're doing?" you asked, trying to keep the bite out of your voice.

He didn't answer. He simply picked you up and walked toward the bedroom, carrying you as though it was the most normal thing in the world.

"Tsukishima," you muttered, a bit embarrassed now, even though you had been the one to act childish in the first place.

"Shut up," he replied gruffly, "I can't sleep without you either."

You let out a soft laugh, surprised that, despite his annoyance and sarcasm, he was still holding you like you meant everything to him.

When he finally reached the bed, he carefully laid you down, following you as you both settled beneath the covers. You moved closer, instinctively, and Tsukishima, too, slid closer, his arm wrapping around your waist. He sighed contentedly, the anger from earlier slipping away like water down a drain.

He wasn’t going to apologize, not in so many words, but in the way he rested his chin on your head, in the way he gently tugged you even closer.

"I don’t like sleeping without you," he muttered, his voice quieter now, softer.

You smiled, feeling the warmth of his body against yours, the familiar rhythm of his breathing easing the tension that had been between you both. "I know," you whispered. "Me neither."

He didn’t answer, but his grip around you tightened, pulling you into the embrace. You both finally closed your eyes, the argument already forgotten, drifting off to sleep in the comfort of each other's arms

[xaverie]

Important tags To Me:

@cherryhastoomuchfreetime

#i also love evan but i do think he has a tendancy to think in extremes #even when his heart is absolutely in the right place#and thinking in such extremes can sometimes obscure nuanced understanding of his friends #honestly i feel like that element of his personality is what drew him and K together #they both are kind of like that lol #and i say this with love and adoration for all 4 of them

I agree and I think it's the fact that he thinks in extremes that leads to stuff like his interaction with the Qohlye. Because he's obviously like 'If you're not with me, you're against me,' with no in between. And if the Qohlye is not doing or saying exactly what Evan wants, then he must not be with him, despite the rest of the team clearly saying that he is.

@kingoftealeafs

#yeah! This is the core of the tension with K too like #people always blame K for imposing their world view onto Evan and YEAH he DOES do that but so does Evan!!!!!!

True, and I think the frustrating thing for me is that. K got... punished for doing this and Erika admits K was wrong in AP. Evan keeps getting rewarded for doing this, and Brennan doubles down on why Evan is right.

This is why I don't really like doing meta for actual plays/improv and will probably keep my mouth shut on analysis from now on. There's no writing/re-writing/editing process, so it's hard for me to tell whether Brennan thinks Evan is justified, or he's just saying why Evan thinks he is justified, or which are strategic/player moves.

@selkiesongss

#which is that evan's worldview is fundamentally at odds with those of his friends #to poorly reference D&G - evan views reality and identity as arborescent concepts #he understands reality as comprised of truths and falsehoods with little room for ambiguity #he understands identity as a concept that grows from a single unifying truth; a foundational principle upon which a person is constructed #sam and jammer's notions of reality are slightly murkier but they generally operate under a rhizomatic framework #with regard to identity - they understand themselves as existing in multiple simultaneous states #'whitney jammer' is whitney & jammer & sandwich man all at once!#'samantha butler' is sam & sam black & sam britain simultaneously! #and on top of that- they're the wizards that evan knows them to be #sam and jammer understand identity as a quilt; the various parts of themselves may take up more or less of their life #but ultimately form a contiguous whole stitched with the same underlying thread#and evan cannot understand this line of thinking #his entire life has been shaped by magic. it has changed who he is at his core. magic is who he is- everything else comes after #playing a role other than 'wizard' would be to lie about who he perceives himself to be #like you said OP- he wants so desperately to be understood but he can't understand his friends beyond who they are to him #i think part of that comes from a difference in what his friends want and what he wants #jammer's motive is teamwork - he wants to support those around him. sam's motive is community - she wants to facilitate connection #evan's motive is belonging - he wants to feel wanted. #while sam and jammer are moving towards the future/the people they want to be #evan is moving towards the treehouse he told jammer about on weugan #he doesn't believe he fits into their lives so he tries to impose who he thinks they are onto them; wizards just like him #if they're all wizards then their lives will slot together neatly. if they're not - he doesn't know how to be something they keep #i want to talk more about how this makes evan really combative when it comes to his friends' leading mundane lives but alas- the tag limit.

Oh baby I LOVE meeting philosophers in the wild 😍🤩🥰

Yeah- this- beautiful, no notes. Except I wish you had added it to the post so I could reblog it!!

So. I love Evan Kelmp. And - imagine that I'm trying to choose my words carefully here.

I've been getting annoyed with him over the last three episodes. Because. I don't like how he tends to impose his beliefs. About what is correct and should happen. On the other characters. And our Black characters, specifically. Which. Was really put on clear display by his interaction with The Qohlye.

Evan seeks to be understood. But I don't think he has.. put in the required effort to reach that same level of understanding with his friends, or in general. Perhaps because they haven't said things in the exact way that he needs to hear them. But he behaves as though he does understand, even though I personally think. That there are things he's missing.

The treehouse conversation. Lots of people seem to get and relate to Evan's side of the convo, which is fantastic! But not as deep an understanding of Jammer's side. Evan decides that the correct thing is for Jammer to come out not hide his magical experiences. He jumps to a few conclusions about the reason - first that maybe Jammer was ashamed, then that he wasn't confident it would go well.

Instead of asking for clarification about what "They need me to be Whitney, you guys need me to be Jammer" means, he had made up his mind. Evan likes that Jammer is magic because that is the way in which Evan feels most connected to Jammer, thus everyone should admire Jammer for his magical abilities the way Evan does. And if Jammer hasn't allowed for that it's some kind of rebuke of Evan, of magic, and of Jammer's own self. Therefore the only correct thing is to merge these identities, but really just be the Jammer that Evan knows.

And I'm not saying Evan is wrong here. But in the same way he's missing the fact that Jammer did try to expose his magic in S2E1, but he couldn't prove it because magic is fucking broken. He's also missing how naturally we, as Black people, fall into code switching. Not just historically as a method of survival, but for practical reasons, privacy reasons, or just to keep our peace. To treat that unilaterally as the same thing as a kind of toxic compartmentalization, or hiding the true self (all of them are true selves), was. Kinda. Sad to me.

Not to take away from Jammer's triumphant success on Galamanis or the freedom represented by growing wings, because this is what he chose and I love that he made those choices. But it also represents potentially giving up fitting into his mundane life and dream career, something he had fought so so hard to keep thus far, and destroying 'Whitney'. This, more than anything before it, might be a fundamental shift in identity.

The same way it made me a little bit sad that Evan had assumed Jammer didn't mean "family" literally, when I immediately recognized that of course he did. There has never been a point in American history where part of being Black and being family hasn't meant - we may have to be apart, but as soon I'm ready (as soon as we're safe), I'm coming back for you, no matter what. It is THE very first promise, the foundational truth, or the only thread of hope that tied so many Black families together through all these generations.

So while everyone recognizes what a sweet moment it was, I also hope people feel the gravity and the history behind "I dream of making that space for you." And the weight of how many people must have said that before him. And what a profound act of love it's always been because sometimes that's all we have.

When Evan tells Sam, "I think you are the most powerful wizard," she instantly replies, "I hope not." Evan's response to this was essentially - who were are is true whether we want it to be or not. Which, to be fair, is both consistent with what he expressed to Jammer and with his own experience. What it leaves out is that our hopes are also who we are. And that maybe the same way he mistook her love toward him for general gregariousness, he is still misunderstanding her a little.

While he deferred to Sam on the matter of whether they should pursue the Qohlye or not, I think it was still Evan's (or Brennan's) idea that not only must all four of them be chosen, but that The Qohlye must be the best choice for Sam.

When the Qohlye says 'I think you're only here because you're convinced you need to be the same as your friends,' is he wrong? When he asks why she needs to be chosen by his magic specifically, she can't answer on her own. When Sam was given the choice between Power and Understanding she immediately chose understanding because of COURSE she did. (She instantly replies, "I hope not." I hope not. My heart breaks.)

And yet. Evan insists that she's given the power anyway. Because that's what fits neatly into what he already believes is correct and should happen. He believes in winning and rewards. He believes she deserves that power and that they need it. So even though I know he does this out of love, he doesn't even consider for a moment that he might be wrong.

Because Sam does get the power, she does thank him, and again not to diminish Sam's accomplishment - once again Evan gets what he wants and is proven right.

Except.

When The Qohlye doesn't give him the answers he wants in the exact form that he demands them. Evan decides that this is a crime for which The Qohlye deserves to die. The Qohlye, who helped return him to life. Who has a strong connection to his friends. (Who chose to be Black, which meant so much to Jammer that he cried.) Who asked each of his friends, in turn, if they thought The Qohlye meant what Evan thought he meant. Who demonstrated that he is not (and cannot be) obfuscating something that is apparently obvious to everyone else.

Evan refuses to accept that yes, The Qohlye can give him information, but cannot understand it for him. And Evan is not ready to Understand because Evan keeps choosing Power. Understanding takes work, even (or especially) when it doesn't come naturally to you. And answers will not always come in a clear and concise way. And this makes him so angry that he wants The Qohlye dead.

While Evan always presents his beliefs and demands as logical and rational, his reaction to The Qohlye's refusal to engage on his terms was simply entitled and immature.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

I’m a transfem Christian, and sometimes I worry that I’m twisting Christianity to suit my politics and views rather than the reverse. I was raised as a Southern Baptist and left for the Episcopal Church, with the conservatism of the former church being a large reason for my departure. I really don’t want to have to chose between either being able to transition and being a good Christian, but I’m so worried that I’ll have to make that choice.

Hey there, I am so sorry for the delay in responding to this. I don't for a second believe you are "twisting" Christianity to suit your views by living into your true self:

Jesus tells us that we can know a thing by its fruit — if the fruit is good, the tree is good; if the fruit is bad, the tree is bad (Luke 6:43-45; Matthew 7:15-20).

What are the fruits of transition? Joy, community, reconnection with your own body? Life?

What are the fruits of the things preached by ultra conservative churches? Hatred, fear of difference, violence? Deportation instead of love of stranger, judgment instead of mercy, control via terror instead of liberation through God's love?

Near the end of this webpage of mine about a liberatory framework for reading scripture, I address the accusation that queer Christians are just "reading into" the Bible what we want to see. To sum it up, I agree that all people bring our biases to the text — heck, the biblical authors brought their own biases to the text!

“The truth is, you can bend Scripture to say just about anything you want it to say. You can bend it until it breaks. For those who count the Bible as sacred, interpretation is not a matter of whether to pick and choose, but how to pick and choose. We’re all selective. We all wrestle with how to interpret and apply the Bible in our lives. We all go to the text looking for something, and we all have a tendency to find it." - Rachel Held Evans

Many theologians say that when we accept both our own biases and the biases of the people who wrote, edited, and compiled the books of the Bible, the best way to determine what is Divine in scripture is to follow The Rule of Love:

"Any interpretation of scripture is wrong that shows indifference or contempt for any individual or group inside or outside the church. All right interpretations reflect the love of God...for all kinds of people everywhere, everyone included and no one excluded.”

- Shirley Guthrie

The webpage offers more details about this way of reading the Bible, if you are interested. But at the end of the day, the main thing I hope you can come to believe not only in your head but in your heart and your body is that you are beloved. That God created you exactly as you are with purpose and delight. That you have vital gifts to share with the world that the Body of Christ is not whole without.

If you need further assurance through theology, I invite you to check out Austen Hartke's Transgender and Christian YouTube series.

You may also find Rev. Nicole Garcia's story encouraging; she's a trans pastor who once said that she has experienced two vocations in life: one to ordained ministry, and one to being a woman.

God is calling you, too. I pray that you can feel Their presence and love in your life -- even when it's hard to believe in it yourself. <3

(For more, I have a trans tag and an affirmation tag and trans women tag and also an FAQ you might like to peruse through)

[justanotherflemethstan]

this is not a drill, this is a thread on the creation of Flemeth from David Gaider!! as kind of the self professed Flemeth stan blog around here, I had to reshare

(alt text and full text transcript of the images included)

Link to the original post

Full text from the images below the cut:

CHARACTERS - DAY THREE: Flemeth

I have a type. I admit it. There are certain wells I can return to repeatedly and always find something new to explore.

One of them is older female characters. Mike used to rib me about it. Consider Wynne. Meredith. Genevieve. And, of course, the biggie: Flemeth.

Why are they a type? I... don't know, honestly.

I guess I have a feeling that older men fade, they strive to regain their youth or establish a legacy and we've seen that story a thousand times, but older women? They become free to become something new. I guess I see so many possibilities in that.

I had a conception of who Flemeth was, and why, right from the very start. Her creation went hand in hand with Morrigan, as a being whose thirst for retribution hundreds of years ago attracted an entity (slight confession: I didn't know Mythal specifically, at the time, "an elven god" was enough).

I also knew where Morrigan was right and very wrong about her. Misconceptions of the truth are built into DA's foundation, and they were fundamental to this mother-daughter relationship I was building.

Like many seeds I'd put in the world, however, I had no idea whether I'd ever get to explore it.

Knowing that she was a character of possible future importance, if not a major player in DAO, I wasn't much surprised when she was one of the first cuts the art team made in terms of getting a unique appearance. Thus the "batty old woman" players met in DAO. Not as hard a cut as the Qunari, though.

Going into DA2, I wanted both Morrigan and Flemeth, but we could only have one. So I picked Flemeth. This was the game where she really got to come into her own.

I remember the art team coming and asking if it was OK if she got a new model, as it'd be a retcon of sorts. I didn't care. I wanted it.

I honestly don't remember whether Kate Mulgrew was cast before or after Claudia. After, I think? All I recall is that Cab came into my office one day and asked if Kate might be a good fit

The squeal I made was un-manly. Cab took that as a "yes". 😅

I didn't get to talk to Kate until DA2, however. Schedules being what they were, we had a tight window to record Flemeth... so I had to write all her scenes before almost anything else in DA2 was written, before I even had a team! Ack!

It was OK, though, for the most part. I knew where I wanted to take her, and a big part of it was going to explain her transition - to set her up for the future. So I whipped up a script in, like, two days and off we went. Kate was a marvel in the booth. She adored Flemeth and you could really tell.

I didn't get to meet Kate in person, however, until DAI. This came pretty late in its development, compared to when we recorded her for DA2, and we flew down to Virginia (to accommodate her schedule - she was writing her memoir at the time, I think) for a single session. It was going to be *tight*.

I was a mess. I was finally going to meet Captain Janeway... and yes yes, I know she's also more than that. But come ON.

When we sat down, I figured I'd have to talk her through the character all over again. It'd been years since that one session at the start of DA2, right? And even more since DAO.

But, no. Kate remembered Flemeth perfectly.

I remember sitting there as she told me how much she loved the character, how rare it was to get one with so much texture and possibility. She called out my writing - my writing! - and waxed poetic about how she viewed Flemeth's arc. I... I was floored. 🫠

Then we began recording. One issue that quickly reared its head was how Caroline had to speed through the lines if we hoped to finish. Kate was a trooper, and most takes she'd get it in one (which is rare), but I was alarmed because we weren't giving Kate time to read the VO comments on each line.

I brought it up, as there were some lines (so much sarcasm) that required nuance - Kate was getting them, oddly, but I was worried.

"Oh, it's fine," Kate said. "I read the comments as we go."

"How could you? We're going so fast!"

"I'm a speed reader."

Oh. OK, then. That certainly explained it. 😁

We got to the confrontation scene with Morrigan and she nailed it. Over and over. More than once, Caroline would make a call and, before I could even interject and say "no, Kate had it right, actually" Kate would explain exactly why she did it that way and why it worked for Flemeth. I was in love.

She did the "I will see her avenged!" section all in one go. I got chills. Then we got to the final scene.

You know the one. With Solas.

It was this beautiful moment. She took it somewhere quiet and sad... and when she got to that last line, we all felt it: Flemeth was dead. Everyone was in tears.

I suppose I could talk more about the process. How she started off aligned with Morrigan's original Delirium inspiration, but I didn't pull back her loopy way of talking as much (bet you wondered).

I still don't know why it was so easy to slip into her voice, but I'm grateful I got the chance. ❤️

[randomfoggytiger]

With the help of your analysis, I started wondering if CSM and the syndicate chose Scully to be a "mole" in hopes of one day turning her into one of them as they did with Krycek.

Perhaps, because of their knowledge of Mulder's penchant for porn, they thought that she could be a distraction and a wrench in his plans. Once they could turn or initiate her, afterall she was young and relatively inexperience and possibly easily influenced (at least in their eyes), she could help manipulate Mulder ala Diana. They didn't expect Scully to be as strong-willed and connect to Mulder as she did.

I wonder what the plan was with Mulder and Scully had Gillian not gotten pregnant. I think I read that one of the writers or directors wanted to create some angst between them by having them turn against one another at some point. I could be wrong.

Another issue that my brain was trying to reconcile is who is the "boss"? Is Mulder technically Scully's "boss" or manager and is that why he seems to order her around. OR, is Scully technically the boss since she begins by monitoring him and reporting back about his doings to CSM/Belvins? I know they are supposed to be "partners" and on equal ground, but are they. Honestly, no matter what, Scully is in control because she has Mulder wrapped around her tiny little fingers.

Okay, let's answer this in chunks! >:DDD

Neither Mulder nor Scully is the boss. They both report to Skinner, and he holds them equally accountable for mistakes made on the files. If Mulder had been "the department head" in anything other than name/title only, then he would have had a lot more one-sided punishment from Skinner for the basement's escapades: hierarchy and rank bring require more responsibility. Which is what Mulder wanted to avoid (amongst other things-- like spies. Speaking of which:)

I think the Syndicate had a different goal than CSM for assigning Scully.

Blevins thought they could reign Mulder in; and his groupies constantly raged at CSM's or Deep Throat's interference whenever Mulder was "saved" or bailed out from various scrapes. They wanted Scully to debunk his work: Blevins admitted as much in Pilot. If they wanted to sexually distract Mulder from the files, they wouldn't have thought to recruit-- or let CSM recruit-- Diana Fowley out.

CSM kept trying to thwart or kill Mulder in Season 1-3; but canon rewrote that motivation in Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man to become one of deep curiosity and interest. In Season 4, we learned he sent Scully down because she would complement Mulder's work and hopefully lead that doe-y eyed younger man closer to the Truth-- specifically, to what CSM believed was the Truth: his beliefs and goals, his Syndicate. In Season 6, he lamented that Jeffrey was a lame buzzkill and not comparable at all to "Bill Mulder's son." It's not until Amor Fati-- David Duchovny's episode, really-- that we were given a more cogent reason for CSM's actions: he is more than willing to sacrifice Mulder for his own selfish gain. "Every man just wants to live a normal life" (loosely quoted) was what CSM believes, for himself and for Mulder; and we saw him constantly get mixed up with women left and right-- Tena Mulder, Cassandra Spender, Diana Fowley, nearly Scully-- trying to find a snippet of that normal life (the opposite of Mulder and Tena Mulder and Bill Mulder's strategy.) It's also in Amor Fati that CSM influences Mulder to wonder if Carl is his father-- an idea canon left mostly on the back burner the entire show. Here, we realize he wanted to draw Mulder to "the Truth" not for Mulder's benefit but for his own: either to join his side, or to leech off his brain (metaphorically and literally) like a parasite.

Mulder's pornography/phone sex is very different than an actualized sexual relationship with a woman; and the Syndicate, I believe, factored in that difference. As previously mentioned, the Consortium would have been aware that Mulder recruited his own girlfriend onto the files when he discovered them. Yet, they chose to-- or allowed CSM to, which I think is the case-- pull Diana away with an elevated position in Europe. Blevins and the group explicitly sent Scully in to debunk and humiliate Mulder's work. They could have chosen anyone else, including a planted spy; but they didn't feel the need because they thought it would be a one-and-done case-- that Scully would wrap her partner up tight and deliver him for slaughter. Further, I think they selected Scully because she was an excellent agent who, they assumed, wouldn't respect Mulder or his theories... and she inadvertently reinforced that impression by calling him "Spooky Mulder" in Blevins's office (after that exchange is when she was told about the job.)

Those are my thoughts, anyway.

[daisymbin]

angst prompt #21. "you don’t get to walk back into my life like this." with female reader and mingyu

of course! 🫶

request your own: full prompt list!

check out my masterlist! // gyu's m.list

angst prompt #21: "you don't get to walk back into my life like this."

mingyu hadn’t expected to feel this much.

he’d thought he could handle it—seeing you again after all this time, just a chance encounter. but the moment he saw you, his heart had dropped, and all the walls he’d built around himself crumbled.

he hadn’t realized how much he missed you until now.

it had been months since he walked away from you, and the emptiness he tried so hard to fill never truly went away. he had convinced himself that leaving was the right thing to do, that you’d be better off without him, that you deserved someone who could give you more. but the truth was, he had been too scared to face his own feelings, and in the end, he left you behind.

but now, standing in front of your door, mingyu felt the weight of everything he had done.

he had to see you.

“hey,” mingyu said softly when you opened the door. your eyes went wide in recognition, and he felt a pang of guilt at the guarded look in them.

“mingyu?” you asked, the surprise quickly shifting into something harder, colder. “what are you doing here?”

he swallowed, his hands shoved deep in his pockets, feeling small under your gaze. “i just... i saw you earlier, and i couldn’t stop thinking about everything. about us.”

you raised an eyebrow, stepping back slightly, but not enough to invite him in. “us? you’ve got a funny way of showing it. you didn’t seem to care about ‘us’ when you walked out without a word. remember that?”

the words hit him like a punch to the gut.

“i know,” he whispered, his voice breaking as the weight of his regret crushed him. “i know i messed up. i didn’t mean to hurt you, but... i didn’t know how to fix it. i thought i was doing what was best for both of us, but i was wrong. i should’ve never left.”

you let out a bitter laugh, the sound sharp and almost mocking. “you think you can just come back and undo everything? you can’t just walk back into my life and act like nothing happened. you hurt me, mingyu. you hurt me more than you’ll ever understand.”

mingyu’s chest tightened as he watched the anger and pain in your eyes. the person standing before him wasn’t the one he remembered—the one he used to joke with, the one who smiled when he walked into the room. no, this was someone who had healed, someone who had moved on without him.

and it hurt.

“i’m sorry,” he whispered, shaking his head. “i can’t take back what i did, but i want you to know how sorry i am. i wasn’t ready before, but i am now. i want to make things right between us.”

you shook your head, a sad smile curling on your lips. “you don’t get it, do you? i moved on, mingyu. i had to. i can’t just forget everything, and i can’t just let you back in because you finally decided you made a mistake. it’s too late for that.”

the words hit him harder than anything. too late.

“please,” he said, stepping forward, but you took a step back, closing the distance between you with an air of finality.

“no,” you said firmly, voice trembling but steady. “i can’t keep doing this. i can’t keep hoping for something that’s never going to happen. i’ve moved on. i’ve let go.”

mingyu felt like the ground had been ripped out from beneath him. he opened his mouth to say something, but the words wouldn’t come. what could he say? how could he fix this when everything he had done was unforgivable?

he couldn’t.

“you don’t get to just walk back into my life, mingyu,” you repeated, this time quieter, but no less painful. “i can’t keep waiting for someone who’s never coming back.”

mingyu’s throat tightened as he stood there, watching you—the person he once thought he’d spend forever with—walk away from him, slipping behind the door with a final click.

he stood there for what felt like forever, frozen in place.

he thought he could change. he thought he could fix what he had broken. but some things couldn’t be fixed. some mistakes were too big to come back from.

and as he stood outside your door, the reality settled in.

it was too late.

[mochi-kitty]

“Shiro made a mistake rejecting yuri” SHE WAS A CHILDDDD

SHE GOT REJECTED BECAUSE SHE WAS A CHILD AND SHIRO WAS AN ADULT

Listen we know they loved each other and AT ONE POINT yuri grew up and became an adult too but not every relationship works in this clandestine way. That was the whole point! She had rinka or satans children and Shiro stepped in to take care of them when yuri died. Shiro was too late when he realized he loved her back and yuri was too early when she confessed. Did they love each other at the same time? Yes. Was it obvious? Yep! Were they both adults? Yep yep! But yuri was waiting for rinka to return when his body would begin giving out and Shiro was still not ready for his own confession. As Rick said “better confess before someone else comes along” and eventually he was right. Satan returned and declared yuri as his and got her pregnant.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I think that was the hidden meaning of yuri and shiros relationship no? Too late meets too early. Too rough meets too kind. What’s clearly there cannot be pursued because of the situation their forced/chose to be in and it ends in tragedy. I mean we have this whole chapter about Shiro deadbeat exhausted and hurt from a monster attack, ready to die and leave the twins to die because yuri was dead now too. He feels he failed, he made all sorts of mistakes and thinks finally he can die for being the worst monster of them all. Then the twins begin crying and he realizes that’s the twins desperately want to live so he should do. He’s gonna make sure these damn babies don’t disappoint their late mother (after of course Mephisto commands him to be their father and makes him the 251st paladin) In a way that’s how he’s making it up to yuri by raising her children without judgement for their origin and teaching them to be strong like her. He knows her good intentions as misguided as they were, he knows the truth despite mephisto covering it up. Did he have regrets? abso-fucking-lutely!

But he had every right to reject her back then, in fact, he very well should have either way! Because at the time, she was a child and he was an adult, period.

[cigsaftersuh]

૮ trapped ྀིა .ᐟ

without another word, jaehyun turned and walked out of the living room, the sound of his footsteps heavier than they’d ever been. his shoulders were tight, and his breathing shallow, a mix of frustration and the overwhelming sting of everything jia had spewed out about his marriage.

“honestly, this is what happens when you rush into marriage,” she said, shaking her head. “he’s so young, so naive. getting married at his age was such a reckless decision. i don’t understand why you both allowed it.”

“allowed it?” jaehyun’s dad scoffed, his tone sharp. “jia, they’re adults. it wasn’t our decision to make, it was theirs. and you know what? they’ve been doing just fine.”

“fine?” jia’s voice pitched incredulously. “you think this is fine? him storming out like that? he can barely handle a conversation. he’s too young to carry the weight of a marriage, and y/n isn’t helping matters by running off with her friends every chance she gets.”

his dad’s jaw tightened, but he kept his tone measured. “there’s nothing wrong with y/n spending time with her friends. she has every right to maintain her relationships outside of her marriage — just like jaehyun does. that’s how healthy relationships work.”

jia rolled her eyes, setting her cup down with a clink. “healthy relationships? please. they’ve barely lived life on their own. how can you call it healthy when they’ve never even experienced life apart? they’re just clinging to some childhood fantasy, and one day, it’s going to fall apart. mark my words.”

“that’s enough,” his mom snapped, her voice finally rising. “you don’t get to come into our home and tear apart our son’s life like this. jaehyun and y/n have built something solid, something real, and your constant need to belittle them says more about you than it does about them.”

but jia wasn’t finished. “oh, come on,” she said, rolling her eyes. “i’m not the bad guy here. i’m just pointing out the obvious. you let him get married too young. you let him tie himself down to someone who clearly doesn’t know what it means to be a wife yet. and now look at him, storming out of the room because he can’t handle the truth.”

“stop,” jaehyun’s dad said firmly, his voice rising. “he walked out because he’s tired of you tearing apart his life, we all are. this isn’t about honesty… it’s is about you trying to pick apart something you don’t understand.”

leaning against the hallway wall, jaehyun ran a hand through his hair. the weight of the argument taking place on the other side allowed him to hear each of the harsh words leaving the elders mouths.

did i trap her? the thought struck like a hammer, unrelenting in its force. is this what she really wants? he stared blankly ahead as the questions churned in his mind. you were out with your friends right now, probably laughing and enjoying yourself, while he was in here, replaying every word jia had thrown at him. what if she feels like she’s missing out because of me?

his throat tightened, and a lump formed he couldn’t swallow. this isn’t fair to her. maybe jia’s right... maybe we should’ve waited. maybe i should’ve given her more time to just... be her. the guilt coiled tightly around his chest, squeezing until he could barely breathe. he blinked rapidly, but the tears blurred his vision before he could stop them.

she deserves so much more than this... more than me. his jaw clenched as the thought lingered, cutting deeper each time it resurfaced. he hated the effect jia’s words had on him, how they planted seeds of doubt where there had been none before. but the guilt wouldn’t let him push it away.

he sat there, lost in his own thoughts and fighting back tears, when he suddenly heard the faint jingle of your keychains against the doorknob.

against the doorknob to his house, yet everyone knew you were always welcome. you would always be welcome, in his home, his heart, anywhere pertaining to him.

it was a sound he knew too well, one that he’d grown used to and always brought him comfort. no one else would ever make that sound at this door. only you, his wife,

the familiar noise made his heart beat faster, and before he could even register the moment, the door creaked open. he didn’t need to look up to know it was you.

the warmth of your presence flooded him like a wave, but the storm of emotions crashing inside him only grew stronger. his stomach twisted, guilt and doubt churning inside.

prev. 𐙚 next

ㅡ my forever only.

with love,

© cigsaftersuh

ʚ taglist - open ɞ

@cstarry @hyuckleberriii @beacauseimmaya @jeongjaeleftbicep @lesuneczka @cryingforjae @ctrlstar @youaremysecretworld @douqhnxtss @dearlyminhyung @jaemnationnn @jaeyunluvbot @nonverdolly

[cosmicjoke]

Parallels and Contrasts Between Levi's Forgiveness of Erwin and His Attempted Forgiveness of Zeke:

One thing I think is interesting to think about is how Levi's relationship with Erwin and the scenario as it plays out after the Uprising arc in a way mirror's and could have laid the groundwork for Levi's relationship with Zeke and how it might have gone had Zeke, specifically, shown some simple honesty.

Levi coming to terms with Erwin's faults and failings, and accepting and forgiving him for not being the altruistic hero that Levi had seen him as really encapsulates Levi's core characteristic, which is his compassion. It speaks to Levi's own heroism and great humanity that he's not only able to forgive Erwin for being less than what he'd seemed, but is also able to extend a hand to him in kindness and friendship, to offer aid and understanding instead of rejection and bitterness.

This entire subplot as it unfolds isn't about Erwin at all, really, but about Levi and the way he fully embodies and demonstrates one of the main themes of AoT, which is the importance of retaining ones humanity in the face of an overwhelmingly cruel world. Rather than what some might suggest about Levi's decision being an instance of him "putting Erwin above humanity", or it demonstrating Levi's selfishness, it rather is meant to highlight how it was actually Levi, all along, who was the altruistic one between them, through his acceptance and kindness toward a seriously flawed man, and by demonstrating Levi's greatest strength, through his refusal to abandon his humanity for an ideology. Levi had, before this moment, placed Erwin on a pedestal, believing Erwin to be a greater man than himself for his ability to make the hard choices for the betterment of humanity, when in truth, it was always Levi who was the greater man. It's Levi's very humanity that makes him the greater man, and I think Erwin always knew that. It's why Erwin entrusts Levi with the serum, because he knows Levi is better than himself. He knows Levi is incorruptible. He knows, whatever may come, whatever pressures may bear down on him, Levi will make the choice he feels and believes in his heart is the right one, something Erwin could no longer trust himself to do. And it's that reliance and trust in Levi's humanity that ultimately saves Erwin.

How this relates to Levi's and Zeke's relationship, I think, is Levi was willing to do the same for Zeke, was willing to meet him half way and extend him understanding and compassion, if only Zeke had leveled with him the same way Erwin did. People often draw parallels between Erwin and Zeke, and there are definite similarities there, in their willingness to sacrifice others for their personal dream, and in how each of them in turn deludes themselves about their own motivations. Both Erwin and Zeke cope with the extremes they're willing to go to to achieve their selfish dream by telling themselves it's actually for the "greater good". By lying to themselves and others about the nature of their intentions.

But what nobody ever really talks about is how Levi's willingness to forgive Erwin was mirrored in his willingness to forgive Zeke. The reason Levi forgave Erwin so quickly and so easily is because Erwin at last dropped the facade and was real with him. Because he showed Levi his own humanity by expressing genuine remorse and guilt for what he had done, and in turn, expressing a desire to right his wrongs by embracing his role as Commander and giving up his dream for humanity. It was Erwin trusting Levi and asking him for his help because he knew he was too weak to do it on his own. Levi could and did respect that, to the point, again, of not only forgiving Erwin, but doing all he could to help him become the man he wanted to be.

And Levi extended the same offer of forgiveness and compassion to Zeke. Through his attempts to understand him during their month together in the forest, Levi was searching for the same humanity and remorse in Zeke as Erwin had shown him before his death. You'll even notice a parallel in the dynamic between Levi and Erwin and Levi and Zeke. Levi speaks to Zeke in much the same tone he spoke to Erwin following Erwin's admission about his true motivations. He's very brusque and irritated and threatening, obviously disgusted, but underneath it all is a hopeful belief in Erwin's goodness, a refusal to just give up on him like that, and a willingness to listen and understand and, ultimately, forgive. His repeated questioning of Zeke about what happened at Ragako village is Levi attempting to offer him the same chance he gave Erwin to be honest, to show him his humanity, his remorse, and to express a genuine desire to right his wrongs. If Zeke had only trusted in Levi, the way Erwin did, if Zeke had only been willing to be honest, to express any sort of sincere feeling, if only he had been willing to meet Levi half-way, the way Levi was willing to meet him, then Levi would have forgiven him. All Levi was looking for from Zeke was something real. What made it all fall apart was Zeke's refusal to do so. Even as Levi met him with honesty and a sincere attempt to understand him, Zeke continued to lie to and deceive him, and to dismiss and treat Levi's grief as frivolous and unimportant. The difference between Erwin and Zeke here and Levi's ability to forgive them was in Erwin's willingness to trust Levi and to be honest, both with Levi and with himself, and to acknowledge the hurt he'd caused to Levi and to others. Zeke failed to do any of these things, instead assuming Levi couldn't and wouldn't understand him and dismissing him and his grievances out of hand as a result.

When you understand this, it puts into even greater perspective how fundamentally wrong it is to see Levi as some sort of revenge obsessed psycho who was unreasonably blinded by his desire to cut Zeke down. That's never been who Levi is. Levi is the least judgemental and most accepting character in the series. And that lack of judgement comes out of his great compassion and empathy. He understands people at the deepest level, understands and accepts their shortcomings and frailties, and that's reflected in his kindness and compassion toward them. He's willing to understand and forgive anyone so long as they're willing to be honest with him about themselves and show genuine remorse for and a desire to correct their mistakes.

[risingsoleil]

can we get hc on teen parents (17-18) linzin and the gaang's reaction?

Lin feels like a failure and is terrified. She has no idea what Tenzin will say, but she knows that this child could be an airbender, so she should keep baby....

When she tells Tenzin, he's definitely shocked. But he asks very softly and innocently, "We're gonna be a family?" And something about that question makes Lin feel like she chose the right guy to have a kid with.

Telling Tenzin was fine, but now what about their family?

Immediately, Lin can feel the dread from the acolytes and the press.

Against her headstrong nature, Lin holds Tenzin's hand and says, "Let's go someplace else."

"Where?"

"Anywhere. But not here. I...I don't want anyone else to know. We could go to my grandparents."

Tenzin is a bt confused because they will be fine in RC. His parents are here, plus his mom is the best healer ever. So Lin would be in very safe hands. But Lin points at an acolyte walking by and Tenzin understands.

And so, Tenzin tells his family Lin wants to visit her grandparents and he'll go with her. They don't give much other explanation, besides they will leave in the next few days and will write/call when they can.

Katara and Aang dont see a problem with it, but find it a bit odd.

When they get to Gaoling, Poppy immediately senses something is up. It takes a couple weeks until Lin privately tells her about the pregnancy and that she doesn't want anyone knowing. Not even Toph right now. She wanted to have space from the city so that she, Tenzin, and baby aren't stressed.

Poppy is a bit disappointed and upset, she supports and loves Lin very much. at least Tenzin is showing that he wants to be part of their lives and will be there for them. Unlike the men Toph got involved with.

Everything goes great for Linzin. Lao almost wanted Tenzin murdered, but he's calmed down a bit after they had a man-to-man talk. Tenzin told him that he will marry Lin, but doesn't want to ask immediately bc Lin will think it's only bc of baby. He tells him that he has a betrothal necklace in the works and that he'll give it to Lin at the right time.

Lao and Poppy bring in the best healers in Gaoling to monitor Lin's pregnancy.

Baby is growing well and it's in the 6 month of pregnancy, that Katara, Aang, and Toph visit Gaoling.

They're in for a hella big surprise when they see pregnant Lin.

Kataang hounds Tenzin.

Toph interrogates and grills both of them.

"How long have you known?! How far along are you?!"

"...Just past 6 months..."

"Did you get knocked up here or before?"

"Before."

Katara and Aang go into some long lecture that Lin is not really listening to. Toph is going insane listening to them prattle on, so she just imprisons Tenzin's body with earth.

"Alright loverboy, since you got my kid knocked up, what are you gonna do about it? If you give the wrong answer, you get an early funeral and your parents go to jail."

Katara glares at her. "Why do we go to jail?"

"For offing your son. Then you try to kill me, but I beat both of your asses anyway. So you go to jail for being losers."

"That doesn't make any sense, Toph! And it's not ethical!"

"So what? Proves that I'm still better than you two."

Linzin is just trying to get out of this conversation. When everyone finally calms down, Lin is like "I wanted to leave because I didn't want to be around the press and acolytes. Gaoling felt safe for me and our baby. So I did what was best for us and Tenzin supported me. Sorry we didn't tell you the truth, but we wanted to face this on our own."

All's well, and they do try to come to terms that they'll become grandparents. They love that it's between Lin and Tenzin, but just so shocked at their ages. But they do support them as much as they can. Giving advice, Katara taking over to monitor Lin's pregnancy, Aang guiding Tenzin on fatherhood + air nation culture, etc. Toph and her parents clash a bit bc they think she parented poorly for Lin to be a teen mom.

The convo between Toph and her parents gives her some perspective on how she hasn't been present for both of her girls. Suyin has been acting up and Toph is learning that she needs to be more involved.

Aang can't stay all the time bc Avatar duties, but he does write and visit when he can. Kya and Bumi also come down at different times to bully Tenzin lol

"It was that good, huh?" Bumi jeered, slapping Tenzin on the back.

"Go awayyy."

Kya punches his arm next. "Now remember, you hurt Lin, we break your bones."

"Yeah I got it. Why would I ever hurt her?"

"Because no girl would take you. You should be thankful Lin has a heart and wants to be with you. So if you fuck it up with her, we fuck you up."

Tenzin is so annoyed with them and just huffs and pouts, while wind blows in their faces.

Sokka and Suki manage to visit them, and they;re not judgmental. But they do try to give solid life advice to Tenzin. They feel like Lin is gonna be okay mostly and she's got things handled. But I think they want Tenzin to be a good man to Lin and a good father to baby. Hakoda fought in the war, so never intentionally abandoned him and Katara, but being a present father is the idea that Sokka drives into Tenzin.

Aang grew up with a different concept of family, so his advice to Tenzin about parenting has different content from Sokka's messages.

Izumi comes down to visit too, and she brings all kinds of snacks and gifts for Lin and baby. Iroh is probably already born around this time? So she can bring him too for Linzin to practice lol

Suyin doesn't want to visit Lin during the pregnancy at all because her sister is taking up Toph's attention. And she's pissed about it. She doesn't meet her new niece until Linzin returns to RC.

Tenzin was with Lin during the birth because he couldn't stand not being there. Katara delivered her granddaughter, and the delivery went smoothly.

The whole family is there (minus Suyin, Sokka, and Suki) and everyone is absolutely enamored with the baby.

Lin feels like she has to wait 30 mins until she can hold her own baby for more than 10 mins.

Katara shoos them out so that Lin and Tenzin can rest with their baby. But she stays close by, along with a few other trusted servants, to assist Lin and baby.

Lin and Tenzin have no idea what they're doing, but they know everythin will be okay.