#what is it with my favorite characters ceasing to exist but a version of them does???

[swans-chirping-in-the-distance]

I just finished the twelve monkeys

[livsoulsecrets]

Ben has been one of my favorite characters in the show since the first season and it pisses me off to no end how he’s treated in s4.

I really respected the show’s decision to have Umbrella!Ben sacrifice himself for Viktor because it made sense for his character to be ready to move on in that moment and to do that for his brother and his family. It was an end that did justice to his character.

But if Viktor dies at the end, and so does the whole family, then his sacrifice is for nothing. Ben saved his family at the expense of his own existence for what reason? So that they could live a couple more years and die anyway in the series finale?

I enjoyed the new take they did with Sparrow!Ben as a version of Ben who grew up without the mess and love of the Umbrellas and how much that changed things because it was a compelling concept—which had no pay off in s4.

Why did the show bother establishing Sparrow!Ben as an asshole that was also desperate to belong and be liked, as the guy who whined about not being invited to Luther’s bachelor party and asked Klaus why the other Ben was so much better?

Why did we go through all this story arc if he ends up exactly the same in s4? Ben is still pushing everyone away, still considering himself to have no family and no friends, still thinking of himself as a bad person.

I thought we’d get to see Sparrow!Ben clash with the others in order to show them he’s not their Ben. And it would have been so freaking satisfying to watch the siblings accept and understand he’s his own person and decide they want Sparrow!Ben in the family anyway. That would be an emotional conflict I’d care about, not the bullshit insta-love the writers pulled with Jennifer.

What was the point of Sparrow!Ben this season? He was used to being a soldier, but seemed desperate for a family last season—a family he immediately rejected when it was offered to him in s4.

He died a horrible death and had no control over his own body at the end. He didn’t even become a stupid flower in the new timeline*. He just ceased to exist—all alone.

With no family or ties. No hero death. Why did the audience spend 2 seasons getting to know this new version of a well liked character if the show did absolutely nothing to take the story to any decent conclusion?

Both Umbrella and Sparrow Ben are just erased from the narrative because the show didn’t even bother including them in their stupid collective death ending. 4 seasons of Ben’s death haunting the narrative and the Hargreeves for this?

I’m ranting like a deranged madman but that’s my main takeaway. What a waste :/

*I wrote this in a hurry and was pretty pissed but some comments pointed out there were 8 flowers in the post credit scene so Ben is probably one of them

[toffeebrews]

i also find ink sans perception of others sooo interesting. cause I don't see it as like evil or anything. he views others in a very similar way we creators do. Its not like impassionate or uncaring. He gets giddy and excited like we do. I think an "au fangirl" is the best way to describe it. (i swore comyet described him as that once but I can't remember). hes like... a interdimensional cheerleader.

He just connects with others like you would your favorite character. Sure, you like them, maybe you like them alot! but you probably don't see them as like...as human as you right? I don't think he gets enjoyment or likes their suffering. But them their suffering is the equivalent of what we see on tv show. So yeah he probably will care more for the fact that he literally ceases to have a personality without them. he doesn't like... care about them on the deep level or sees them as human (or skeletons? in this case).

I mean, why would he it view if differently? if you knew there's hundreds of versions of pretty much the same guy existed, would you? If you knew they were just a bunch of code, would you? That's not evil, its understandable im my opinion. How are you supposed to connect with others when you literally have always been an outcode? He's about as evil as we are, in that regard.

this is not to say other sanes perspectives are bad, just ink's is just as understandable as others? understandable doesn't mean good, im just saying it's a reasonable thought process given his life experiences.

honestly this yappage is sorta for me to understand his character as well. they say write what you know right?

[writtenbyjeanofarc]

#!! - 𝑰𝑵 𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑪𝑶𝑼𝑹𝑻 𝑶𝑭 𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑪𝑹𝑰𝑴𝑺𝑶𝑵 𝑸𝑼𝑬𝑬𝑵 — 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐧𝐞 ; ᴄᴏʀᴏɴᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ᴅᴀʏ

(Cross-posted from my AO3)

CHAPTER ONE - CHAPTER TWO - CHAPTER THREE

𝖌𝖊𝖓𝖗𝖊: smut.

𝖕𝖆𝖎𝖗𝖎𝖓𝖌: Griffith X You (fem! Reader)

𝖘𝖞𝖓𝖔𝖕𝖘𝖎𝖘:

Having been spoiled by your father as an only child after your mother’s death, there existed you, a young, yet rebellious maiden known amongst Midland as Princess Scarlet. Being the subject of envy by commoners who wanted nothing more than to overthrow the kingdom, you were rather…..indifferent. As a princess, you exercised pride in your achievements, deeming you fit for the role of succeeding your father on the throne.

Even after your father’s death caused by poisoning, your dream to have your own kingdom never faltered in the slightest. In fact, ruling over Midland with an iron fist has been made easy and simple considering your royal blood.

Subsequently, your ambitious demeanor and philosophy attracted none other than the military genius who led a group of mercenaries known as the Band of The Hawk. Sir Griffith; a man who never fell short of what were to be defined as a noble, if it were not for his common blood.

To put it simply, Griffith never planned on building his empire overnight. Instead, he harbored ulterior motives where he would rather…..bend you, the Queen, to his liking before taking over Midland.

….And the consequences of YOU having a fragile ego never ceased to reveal itself.

𝖈𝖜: none as of now.

𝕬𝖚𝖙𝖍𝖔𝖗’𝖘 𝕹𝖔𝖙𝖊:

No smut for the first chapter!

To minors: this space isn’t for you. Berserk is a warning in itself. Go away. Do not interact.

Anyways, I’m back with a new fic and it’s basically my own version while still keeping the canon verse of Berserk clear.

In this verse, expect certain things:

— Princess Charlotte does NOT exist.

— YOU are the Princess/Queen of Midland.

— The story will mainly focus on Griffith, not Guts.

Before commenting, I would like to caution you for potential rape/non-con elements (it’s Griffith we’re talking about here) to be depicted in later chapters of the story.

What I write is pure fantasy, and is mostly just me projecting on my original character (in this case, Queen Scarlet) who has a rather peculiar relationship with Griffith.

Anyways, grab some popcorn, and chill a little while we watch our original character slowly get taken advantage of by the devil himself.

The Kingdom of Midland. Such is a name given to the central region of the Physical World where nobles dominate and savages eliminate. One had the luxury of resting within the comfort of their own home while dining with only the finest cuisine made known to man. The other had to hustle and kill for the sake of money and survival…....while for potential evildoers and traitors, the sake of achieving their dream.

It was your coronation day after all, one of the most awaited events in all of Midland’s history. Following your father’s death caused by an incident of poisoning, the nobles immediately turn to you as a successor to the throne. You were a bit nervous, so to speak, but ready to accept your new role and give your speech as the newly appointed ruler of Midland.

It was already sunset, the halls decorated with red roses, bushes, and your favorite type of flower, the Amaryllis. You just loved the sight of red the way you liked your tea. Red, so to speak, was your favorite color. It just looks and feels powerful, like the way sunlight pierces its way through your eyes. You liked shoving your presence down people’s throats, to make them remember your name as you rejoiced in your own superiority as the new Queen.

Red was the visual embodiment of your dream—to rule and render yourself capable of building your own empire. Because of that, the King, your very own father, feared for your safety. And boy, was that prediction true.

Not only was your safety compromised, but prior to meeting the White Hawk who was addressed as Sir Griffith, things went downhill after that encounter as a sudden number of royal guards dropped dead. Not only were you disgusted by the smell of blood that filled the hallways the week before your coronation, but the five words whispered to your ear was what sent chills across your spine. Those five words made you shiver in questionable fear despite you taking it as just an empty threat.

“You belong to me, Princess.”

And then came the surge of mysterious events such as your father’s death.

Supposedly, you were expected to be excited for such an event like the coronation ceremony as you longed all your life to become Queen, but something about the whole situation didn’t feel right. You were at a loss for words, being unable to understand why your father was poisoned in an instant and how planning the ceremony felt rushed.

You shivered at the thought of meeting the Band of the Hawk once more, immediately suspecting that one of them killed your father.

“Our beloved guests, our crowning guests, respected parents of the nobles, and that of the civilians. Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon.” announced the event speaker of the ceremony. “Once again, we have gathered here to witness the coronation ceremony of the Royal Family to be headed by Queen Scarlet and the rest of the officials appointed to serve her Majesty. Kindly rise for the ceremony proper.”

A huge audience of youngsters stood to give thanks towards your family for a job well done in leadership, singing songs of praise as time passed by. You were, of course, getting quite the goosebumps knowing your time is up as a princess. However, you can’t help but falter, thinking of your father’s untimely demise just about two weeks ago.

You were lost in thought, unable to pay attention to the songs sung in honor of you. Something was very wrong. You sweat and panted hard, not because you didn’t know what to say or do given the situation, but because you didn’t want to actually meet up with Griffith and the rest of his comrades due to some suspicions about the leader’s motives.

“Before we start, may I request everyone to observe silence as the ceremony begins to maintain its solemnity. Reserve your ‘hoorays’ for the latter part of the coronation. Thank you very much for your full cooperation.”

The rest of the coronation ceremony followed. You were nervous, biting your nails as you slowly prepared your speech in front of thousands. You knew Griffith would be watching

Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

Alas, it was your turn to give out a speech that serves as a public declaration of your aims, intentions, and actions to be taken to further improve the economic and sociocultural growth of Midland.

Standing up, you could feel the eyes of crowds searching you from head to toe, but none of them ever gave you the impression that someone was truly watching you.

At the exterior of the venue, there sneaked a young man with white, flowing hair and a pair of blue eyes. It was him. Griffith. He didn’t make his own presence clear before you, he covered his tracks very well. But, little did he know, you could peek at his silhouette from afar. Knowing he made his way past the guards with extreme caution showed his prowess in strategy and disarming opponents with great ease.

Yes, he just wanted to hear your speech. After all, knowing how someone would open up about a fraction of their lives would be crucial in undergoing one’s plan to achieving their dreams, yes?

This was your moment. You let out a deep breath and spoke clearly as you cleared your throat.

“Greetings, my beloved fellowmen. It’s been a pleasure having to meet with you all to this very moment.” you greeted the audience with a friendly, approachable tone. “Throughout this memorable day, I was able to discern all your prayers dedicated to me and my family, especially in honor of my father’s passing. As an inherent successor to the throne, I have maintained a significant awareness through the years that my people, spread far and wide throughout every continent and ocean in the world, were united to support me in the task to which I have now been dedicated with such solemnity.”

The muffled voice of your speech was rendered audible to Griffith from the outskirts of the palace. He was perhaps….fascinated by your rather….pushy attitude on things. It didn’t take long before he palmed the area between his hips, hiding such an unsightly appearance as he began to fantasize about you under his control. He wanted nothing more than to dissect you in every detail possible, to know your deepest fears and motives of having to rule such a flawed kingdom. But little did you know, was that he wanted this kingdom all to himself.

“The ceremonies you have seen today are ancient, but some of their origins are hidden in the mists of the past. Their spirit and meaning still rise from the flames of finiteness. Perhaps, they still shine more brightly than we’ve expected them to do so. I have pledged allegiance with all my heart that I shall lead this kingdom, uplifting it further to claiming a thousand more victories than you would ever anticipate. Throughout all my life and with all my heart I shall strive to be worthy of your trust.”

Griffith’s eyes narrowed as he hid behind the doors alongside the two guards who were apparently slain before they could even fight back.

He wanted you.

And there was nothing more satisfying than breaking one of the strongest, most powerful women who once took an interest in the art of swordsmanship. But he would rather not challenge you to a duel; not because he underestimated your capabilities, but because he saw such barbaric acts to be unbefitting of a lady with high status.

An hour later, trumpets played as the Grim Reapers of the Battlefield were to be promoted as bodyguards, yes, bodyguards, of your kingdom. The King trusted you to this group of mercenaries who promised nothing short of protecting your integrity and wellbeing as the princess. But one thing’s for sure, it’s that their leader was bound to be missing.

You stepped down from the stage to observe your audience for any problems which may arise from the White Hawk’s absence.

“Wait, where’s Griffith? But he was just here about minutes ago!” Rickert exclaimed. “He can’t just be wandering out in the open like this! Griffith! Hang in there! We’re on our way!”

“Cut the crap.” Guts said, alerting his fellow comrades. “There must be a way to proceed with the ceremony without Griffith being of any concern.”

“But Guts-”

Recognizing and appreciating your bodyguards (or perhaps, some new friends) wasn’t all that bad. Perhaps you were intimidated by some of the mercenaries, but they played an integral part of your big day.

It was only one moment within that band that spooked you, it was the White Hawk revealing himself—it was Griffith. By that moment when Griffith claimed you to be his, you began to not take those words lightly and managed to develop a slight sense of fear. What did he exactly mean by that?

You brushed off your thoughts on the matter and shook hands with nearly all the members, with Griffith being an exception (obviously). Rumor has it that he’s still hiding where the sun doesn’t shine, covering his tracks in order to reveal himself before you in the very end.

And God forbid what kind of plans he had for you that night.

[masterfuldoodler]

ACKKKK BEAM OF LIGHT STRAIGHT FROM THE SKY HAS YANKED YOU OUT OF UPUR LIFE!!!!! 

You land in a tangle of limbs at the feet of a fictional character(s) from a piece of media you love in their world. As they give you a look of bewilderment and then do whatever thing that character would do, you just simply know a few things: 

you got yoinked into their world for a Higher Purpose, to help their story turn out better and save as many people as you can from whatever bad fate they got in the story. You got there shortly before the story begins, and will be there until it ends before going back to our world, and no time will have passed there so no one will worry about you. And it’s also certain that while you’re there you have gained whatever skills/powers/magic/etc needed to stay alive (if it is a dangerous media like that), and unless you don’t do something stupid like jump in lava, you’ll be okay. Effectively, you have become one of the characters yourself but with lots of knowledge to use at your disposal and do whatever you will. 

What is going down? And… what do you think YOU will learn from this miraculous experience? How will you change? 

(go wild this is supposed to be crazy and awesome hehe)

Ohhh very interesting situation! This has been kinda haunting me all day because I have no idea. I'm getting hung up on all the questions lol. Which story? Which character? Am I completely myself or is this some in-world version of me? I've been being very difficult alskfhskd Gonna do a keep reading link and then rambles about my thoughts.

Okay so for media I guess let's go with Kingdom Hearts, it's probably my favorite. Also for the setting of just,,, appearing and tumbling at the feet of the character is a very KH kinda thing. Donald and Goofy fall on top of Sora, so that's a kind of thing that Sora could roll with. So now I join the trinity team, and following clause two I would have magic or a Keyblade so I could fight Heartless, probably magic. Since I'm not good at sword combat, I wouldn't be doing well lol. But then my goal is to save as many people as possible, yeah? So now I'm in a bind because what do I do about plot heavy deaths? I'm in a trolley problem suddenly. If I let him die then three other people are able to come into the story, if I save him those three people cease to exist. Also the death isn't permanent so I guess let it happen? What about Riku? Do I stop him from going down his dark path? If I do stop him will he still come out of stronger on the other side? Will he figure out how to balance the Darkness without the trials? I couldn't just tell him how to do it, so I think it would be better for him to go through it.

When I was trying imagine it I kept running into the problem that I'm following along with a paragon character lol. He's doing all the saving already, so there's nothing much for me to help with. He's probably saving me. If the goal is to save people then let's try a story where things go bad and there's no one to fix it. Maybe Birth By Sleep, Dark Road, or Union X. Still KH so people popping up isn't weird.

Starting with Birth By Sleep, there's a lot that could go better. And I can show up at Land of Departure and become one of Eraqus' pupils. The thing is though, I don't know how I could convince any of the characters to not make their mistakes. I might be able to get them to talk things out better, but a lot of the root problems I can't do anything with. I can't get Terra to change his mind on things because he's going to believe what Eraqus says over me. And I can't change Eraqus' mind because I'm too young. If I said that Xehanort was definitely evil would Eraqus actually believe me? So I think I'd end up doomed to watch the tragedy unfold anyway. Or maybe maybe I convince them all to not go to the final show down. There's a slim chance this is doing anything.

Okay how about Dark Road? This one I might have some success in! Maybe if Baldr was able to talk to someone he wouldn't have snapped so much? Unclear how far gone he is, but maybe there's a possibility! If not, I am dying and everything is going exactly the same.

Union X? Yeah sorry, I don't think we can live laugh love our way outta this one. I really don't know how to fix this situation, it needs so much help but they are so doomed. Maybe maybe I could convince people to not go to war? Unclear how successful that would be. I could try to get the Foretellers to stop fighting, but yeahhh I'd have to befriend them all and that could take awhile.

Conclusion! I feel greater how heavy is the weight of sin and the curse upon us, and how we are doomed to fall and die. I might succeed at saving a few people, but my attempts to stop mass loss would be frustrated as everyone seems doomed to fall. I'm having a horrible time. :D 👍

[hollowsart]

What's your go-to when a Marvel or DC character isn't in TSSM (quite obviously with the DC ones)? Do you make them from scratch, or do you pick another show, such as Earth's Mightiest Heroes or someone from the BTAS universe?

whoops this response got long:

I usually go about starting with the overall general basics of the characters and then I look around to see what others have done, or I take ideas from my favorite animated cartoons that had the characters in it.

For Marvel and Spider-Man specifically, I take heavy inspiration from TSSM. the biggest examples of this are with Doc Ock, Mysterio, and Electra.

For DC, however, (specifically Batman) I take inspiration from BTAS and The Batman (2004)! I haven't actually done really much at all with the DC side of things.. Also Teen Titans is my main source of knowledge for those characters, I hardly know anything beyond that show.

If I can't find any fanmade takes or anything that really grabs me and gives me ideas for my designs and takes on the characters, I'll just... Try to come up with something on my own from scratch. Talking with friends helps to get unique ideas, as does outside media influences.

it's rare I will take a character and their design directly from a source, but my version of Penguin would be a good example of that. I do still need to give him a new outfit, but he is relatively the same as The Batman 2004's Penguin, but with a lot of my own personal headcanons and perceptions of how I would prefer the character to be.

Mixing and Matching some characters between Marvel and DC is also a lot of fun. Plus, if some characters (Scarecrow) are the same name and same-ish appearance between both franchises, you can just... remove one. (Jonathan Crane is the one that remains for my verse as the Marvel Scarecrow is.. not really that great? and really provides nothing of substance or quality nor any reason to keep existing).

Or. I will take two characters and merge them into one singular character. or even replace one with the other and completely remove that other character, they don't even have to be related. (White Rabbit Lorina & Beetle Janice switching roles, but Janice ceases to exist.. Beetle being replaced by the 2nd person to take the mantle in the comics, Leila Davis!)

Often I will simply just rewrite the characters almost entirely. Beetle, again, being an example, White Rabbit, too, just to name a few off the top of my head lol

In the end, I do also usually resort to just basing the character on my own random headcanons. If I can't think of anything for the character, I may consider swapping their gender and see if that helps me come up with ideas.

It's fun to get creative and play around with ideas for characters. Changing their relationships and backstories, but still keeping the character recognizable and maintaining at least a couple main elements of their backstory.

[the-musings-of-a-manga-reader]

Shuumatsu no Valkyrie

"Shuumatsu no Valkyrie" or " Record of Ragnarok"

Gods vs Humans. Who will win?

Ragnarok has come and the gods are ready to end all of humanity but the Valkyrie Brunhilde is here to put a stop to that plan. She proposes the idea of a tournament; Gods vs Humans. Whoever reaches 7 wins will be named the final winner. The prize? The saving or destruction of humanity. If the humans win, humanity will be safe for at least another 1000 years, and if the Gods win? Humanity will cease to exist.

Have you ever wanted to watch Jack the Ripper fight a god? What about Rasputin or Adam (of Adam & Eve)? Well, this series is just for you! You can watch as humans from history take on a variety of gods from different religions/mythologies. Some of which include Poseidon, Beezlebub, Shiva, Anubis, and More.

What drew me into reading this series was seeing the list of who the human fighters were. The absurdity of Jack the Ripper fighting a god, honestly had me laughing, and then after seeing who the other fighters were, I knew I had to check it out.

If I’m being honest I didn’t really care for the first fight, it was nothing special in my opinion, but by the end of the 2nd fight I found myself looking forward to more and it’s with the 3rd fight that I found myself fully drawn in and consumed by the series. I’m now officially obsessed and I have spent probably more money than I should have on merch 🤣

(You thought I was joking? 🤣)

This is a series I highly recommend if you like mythology, history, fighting games, and tournaments. However for mythology and history lovers, please be aware that this series and its portrayal of the characters aren't realistic or how they are often described.

The personalities and the overall character designs are very interesting, to say the least. Zeus looks way older than his brothers even tho he is the youngest. Buddha looks like an e-boy, and Loki looks like a twink which isn’t surprising but I don’t understand the green hair since he was often said to be a ginger in mythologies 🤣. King Leonidas looks like he stepped out of G.I. Joe or something. The character designs are so far out there but honestly, it's one of my favorite parts. I’m always looking forward to seeing what a character is going to look like.

Currently, the series is being printed by Viz Media as part of their VIZ Sig line, with Vol. 7 being the most current release. Physically the English version is far behind Japan, with Japan being at vol 19 (I believe), and with Viz only releasing 4 volumes a year it’s going to be a long while before we’re caught up physically. However luckily for us impatient people, the app Manga Hot has an English translation for Record of Ragnarok and you can catch up pretty close with Japan. I think it's only a few chapters behind.

Another thing I want to mention briefly was the anime. There is an anime for this series and it’s available to watch on Netflix but I don’t recommend it. It really does a terrible job of depicting the scenes from the manga. It lacks the emotion, the thrill of the fights, and the art is a disgrace to the manga. (They made my boy Poseidon ugly 😭) However, If you do want to watch it I highly recommend you wait till after you read the manga.

(This is just one picture I found comparing the same scene from anime and the manga)

As long as you don't take it too seriously, I think many people would enjoy reading this series. It's fun, chaotic, and always has you on the edge of your seat.

(I used photos from fan scans I think it's valhallascans so credit to them and whoever else worked on it.)

[galvanizedfriend]

23, 21 and 3!

23. Share the final version of a sentence or paragraph you struggled with. What about it was challenging? Are you happy with how it turned out?

Another really difficult one. I don't know, I struggle with so much. Everything I write takes forever to be edited because I tinker with everything. I guess recently I had a hard time with Elijah's first appearance in Pendulum. This is an example of (MANY) paragraphs that were re-written to exhaustion:

Klaus never felt threatened, that fight-or-flight instinct that grasped him so often, for so many reasons, never kicked in. Despite the infinite darkness in his eyes, there was something warm about the man. Elijah had the air of a care-taker, a protector, though one shrouded in mystery. He and Klaus would grow to be good friends, the closest thing to family Klaus had ever truly had, at least since abandoning whatever sentimental attachments he once held for his parents. But even then, Elijah would never cease to be a conundrum. He was always one step ahead, this endless well of wisdom who could somehow see the whole of existence in ways Klaus could never wrap his mind around, no matter how many lifetimes he lived. He would always be grounded in the here and now, while Elijah was… Everything, everywhere, all the time.

Whether or not the effort was worth it is debatable, I guess. 😂

21. Share your favorite piece of dialogue

I've already replied to this one, so I tried to think of a different scene. This might sound strange, but I really like the chapter in TW3 where Cami leaves (3x18, I think). It's a big shift compared to what happened on the show and I enjoyed writing it so much. Every scene Cami has with one of the characters has become a personal favorite of mine (Elijah, Klaus and Caroline), as well as some of the other ones (like Klaus and Caroline towards the end, where Caroline reflects on their relationship in light of Cami's departure). I feel like so much about that chapter was just pondering over where the story started and where they are now.

But Klaus and Cami's scene is definitely my favorite. I know, ironic lol But writing this story made me realize there was a world where I could've enjoyed Klaus and Cami, even romantically (at some point) if they'd been done right, rather than shoved together through awful writing and nonsensical events for the sake of pushing something that was so obviously not happening on screen (the chemistry!). They could've been cute together! And in a friendly situation, they really were. Klaus here does way more for Cami than he ever did on the show, and I loved writing the point where the two of them are finally like 'I think I'll miss you'.

Besides, if there's one thing I love writing is Klaus and Caroline's relationship through other characters' eyes lol It's my favorite thing. And this had Cami using the powers of her psychobabble (so annoying on the show) for good! Her analysis of Klaus here is spot on.

So anyway, under read more.

3. What’s something you learned about yourself as a writer?

That I can't shut up for the love of me. I don't know how to write short stories. I don't know how to keep a concise chapter. Somewhere along the way, I lost my capacity for 2k words chapters or fics and I don't know where it went. That's actually something that I have tried very hard to fix, but even when I manage to make progress, two months later I'm back in my bullshit. I personally love shorter stories, stories that manage to pack loads of information, and characterization and even world building into incredibly short and well-crafted sentences, and I can't even give you a short reply to this ask. I'm just a malfunctioning fic writer, man.

Thanks for your ask! ☺️

Klaus doesn't know what to say. An apology at this stage would serve her nothing. It's too late to regret anything, for both of them. And offering solace or moral support is not exactly his style. Which begs the question, "Why are you telling me all this?"

"Honestly? I don't even know. The idea had been swirling around in my head, but it wasn't fully formed until I put it out there. I had to tell someone so it would feel real. And it's easier to confess to you than... Well." She shrugs apologetically, takes another sip off her drink. "Remember when we first met? You were so damaged... Manipulative. Angry. People were just things that you used to get what you wanted."

"Such harsh appraisal," he scoffs. "Though, I admit, accurate. What makes you think I've changed?"

"I don't. But for a really long time, I thought you were just an asshole with too much power."

"Shower me with more impeccable compliments, why don't you? Whatever makes you happy."

Cami grins and plows on. "I don't think you've changed, necessarily, but... I came to realize that there was more to you than that."

"And what changed your mind?"

"Caroline," she replies without missing a beat. Klaus laughs. "I understood a lot about you when I met her. More importantly, I realized that if you could love her the way you do, it meant there was some humanity in you, after all. Even if it's your own twisted brand, it's there. Whatever you were to everyone else, you weren't to her, or to your daughter. You're good to them, Klaus. You go out of your way to protect them, make them happy. I've seen you show kindness, mercy, consideration - even to me. All because of her. Caroline makes you a better person. If nothing else, then out of some selfish desire to stay in her good graces. Maybe it's just transitory. By your standards, this is all very new. It could just run its course, and in ten years' time, you'll be back to being a heartless jerk."

“Your faith is touching."

"But I don't think that's what it is. I think she has inspired real goodness in you. The selfless kind. And I think it will stick because it makes you happy, too. At the end of the day, that's what we all aspire to. Even evil overlords. I realize you have demons that you might never be able to tame, but... You should always just do the best you can."

Klaus' lips curve into an honest smile. "Is that your professional assessment?"

"Hell, no. None of this comes from science. I'm just being mellow and nostalgic."

"Well... Barbed remarks aside... I would be genuinely flattered, if it didn't sound an awful lot like a goodbye."

“After everything... Being your therapist, your stenographer, even your roommate for a little while... It just felt right to say something before I leave. It feels like…” She stops, considering. “Closure. You were my door into this world, after all.”

"Whatever questionable intentions I may have had at the beginning, I really did enjoy our conversations, Camille. I will miss them. I do hope, wherever you land, you find more poor sods with impossible complexes to help you pass the time."

She laughs, refilling their glasses and clinking them together. "I don't think there's anyone out there who will ever come close to a Mikaelson, but I'll toast to that."

[heartsick-honeybee]

@skye707 tagged me! Hopefully that means I'll catch a stray Riddler..

CMON Arkhamverse, fingers crossed! Jkjk.

Ten of my favorite movies in no particular order!

This was hard af actually because as soon as I read it I forgot every movie ive ever seen. Suddenly, all cinema ceased to exist. Thanks brain.

That being said I did my best as-per my recollection and am probably missing things I quite love. Woopsie.

Rules: post 10 of your favorite movies and tag 10 people.

#1: Fantasia (1941)

This one has been my favorite since I was 2 years old. Beautiful art, Disney, and Classical music. It's just a win.

#2: The Phantom of the Opera (2005)

This is all of nothing like the book and my 15 year old emo ass really wanted Christine to go with the phantom despite all the red flags.

Now that I'm an adult I think they'd have been a lovely poly couple, and Erik needs counselling. That being said it's still one of my top favorite movies ever.. Who knew Emmy Rossom and Gerard Butler could SING?

I still love to play it and sing every word, the absolute chagrin of my daughter.

#3: Queen of the Damned (2002):

Anne Rice, Vampires, a soundtrack that quite possibly shaped my entire music taste for life--

This movie is honestly terrible, but in a SO bad its GOOD way. Cult classic 100%.

For an emo 12 year old in the early 2000's this was the best shit EVER, right there beside MCR.

#4: Pride and Prejudice (2005):

SOMETHING ABOUT ME: I love books. I love THIS book. and I love this movie based on this book. -- Mr. Darcy, you are a charmer.

#5: Yellow Submarine (1968):

Another one that's been a top favorite since I was only 2 years old.

I grew up on Beatles, and before I was emo (Around 9 years old) I had a hippy phase where I only wore tie-die and listened to 60s music, with Beatles being my top. This throws me back to them days every time.

#6: Minority Report (2002)

Let's get this out of the way first: Tom Cruise is batshit crazy as a person. I completely acknowledge this. That being said I think this movie is very well done and has a very valid moral that can forever apply to society and social justice as a whole.

It also had a very short run TV Mini series in 2015 (Without Cruise) that was a continuation/sequel of the movie, which I ABSOLUTELY loved just as much. There is only 10 episodes and I was SO sad it was cancelled

#7: Encanto (2021)

By far the newest one on this list.

Good music.

I'm in love with a 50yr old RAT man.

What else can I say?

#8: Much Ado About Nothing (1993)

Another book turned movie,

ANYTHING Shakespeare is always iconic, but I think this version is absolutely my favorite. Perfect casting, perfect acting, and Dr. Willson from House is one of the main characters! (You may also recognize Professor Trelawney and Professor Lockhart from Harry Potter as your two main characters. <3 When HP first came out I can tell you I was SO excited for something different than what everyone else was because It was awesome to see them together in the same movie again, for me, since I loved this farrrrr first.

#9: 10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

a 90s classic, and ALSO a modern adaptation of another Shakespeare story: The Taming of the Shrew.

It's was very well done, modernizing (For the time) while still sticking to the story. Great cast, great acting, and an icon of the 1990s despite being a story of the 1590s.

I think this movie hit home in a way that other modern Shakespeare adaptations (Such as Romeo + Juliet (1996) and She's the Man 2006)) Missed the mark on. (Although, did you remember Channing Tatum was in that? I didn't! Haha.)

#10: Digimon: The Movie (2000)

Why? I can't tell you why. When this came out was at the height of me being super into Digimon. The art is different from the show in a way that I just vibe with. The entire movie just has a VIBE to it and it brings back good memories. ALL THE GOOD VIBES.

Honorable Mentions:

Counting these as ONE:

Batman (1989) Batman Returns(1992) Batman Forever (1995) Batman & Robin (1997)

SO despite having 3 different Batmans and only two being directed by Tim Burton, these movies ARE supposed to go together.

They are hokey, and for the most part I consider them a comedic AU, HOWEVER, that will never override a few things:

Firstly, these movies are what got me into Batman and Batverse originally, before the animated series came out.

Secondly, the animated series came out BECAUSE of these movies, and was at least loosely based on them (Which is why Selina was blonde in TAS, to tie in, though they later rectified that in TNBA)

And three, the ENTIRE aesthetic of the movie AND the musical scores being by Danny Elfman are their own works of absolute art that I will ALWAYS appreciate.

@caesariawrites @pharoahkittylover @arttimeoccasionallyimtired @just-an-enby-lemon @finzphoenix @geislieb @coffeeandconundrums @ednyxmatic @sh4pes-4nd-colors @spookyvoid

[psychewritesbs]

Kashimo Hajime--Being the strongest is not enough

The character analysis no one asked for based on loose interpretations from like three manga panels.

Idk. There’s just something I really like about Kashimo.

With Hakari it’s more immediately obvious what’s to love because he’s just cool af and Gege takes quite a bit of time to develop him as a character.

But with Kashimo, we are left to guess. 

We’re given just enough information to get our imaginations going to fill in the blanks and self-insert. 

We know he’s a ruthless sorcerer from the past I cannot help myself I love ruthless characters who lived his life challenging himself by going up against strong opponents. 

When looked at his motivations from a face-value perspective, Kashimo’s motivation looks basic af. After all, he looks like someone who enjoys the thrill of fighting for the sake of fighting.

But is there more beneath the surface to one who chose to have his soul reincarnate in a new era so that he could go up against the strongest sorcerer?

Fighting as a metaphor to becoming the best version of yourself

For some reason this reminds me soooo much of Dragon Ball. My memory around the exact unfolding of the events is fuzzy, it’s been at least two decades since I last saw this particular episode, after all. 

But in one of the first tournament arcs in Dragon Ball, Master Roshi, Goku’s mentor, disguises himself as Jackie Chun so that he can go up against Goku. His goal is to defeat Goku because he fears that if Goku wins, he might become complacent, think he has reached his peak, and settle for mediocrity as a warrior.

While Roshi does defeat Goku after a though battle, Roshi was not aware that even if Goku had won, his fighting spirit, his desire to challenge himself and become stronger would have prevailed and prevented him from leading a mediocre life as a warrior.

This trope is actually very popular in Shonen manga where certain characters are shown to be obsessed with fighting to become the best they can be.

This is actually one of my favorite panels of Kurogane and I will overuse it like there’s no tomorrow, especially if the shoe fits.

Again, when you look at the trope at face-value, it looks like it’s about fighting for the sake of fighting.

But when you dig beneath the surface, it’s about fighting for the sake of challenging yourself to become a better version of yourself. It’s about transcending your limitations by going up against others who are better than you are.

So at its core, you have characters whose philosophy of life revolves around self-improvement. 

Characters like Kashimo are characters that are driven by a desire to never settle for less than they know they can achieve--and even if they are not sure they can achieve something, they push themselves to try and go beyond their limitations anyways.

But more importantly, from my perspective, it goes back to what the character thinks overcoming said larger-than-life challenges says about them as a person. It’s almost as though they are seeking to validate their existence not just through high stakes battles, but through what it means for them to be the victor.

What’s interesting to me is the idea that even if Kashimo were to defeat Sukuna, I headcanon Kashimo would not be satisfied in a similar way that Ryu is perpetually dissatisfied. They are both seeking power for the sake of power after all.

Rather, I would not be surprised if Kashimo would go looking for the next big opponent to validate himself because he is seeking validation from outside of himself.

Which begs the question: when is enough enough? 

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with self-improvement unless your only reason for personal growth is because you are bored.

Kashimo is also bored af

The problem with seeking to defeat “the strongest” to validate your existence is that you inevitably get to a point where you are the strongest. The thrill of seeking a higher level of existence ceases to be because, well... you “arrived”.

Which is kind of what happened to Kashimo...

And one of the things that really strikes me about Kashimo when we’re first introduced to him is that he is shown as someone who is sulking because he’s too strong in comparison to the sorcerers he has killed.

What’s more... that thumb... Is he anxiously chewing on his thumb? Like a kid with a nervous tick?

So what this tells me about Kashimo is that what drives him is his inability to sit still and be with who he is. He cannot sit still long enough because every moment sitting idle is time he could be validating his existence through high stakes battles and growing from them. 

In other words... he’s bored af and it is through high stakes battles that he comes alive--he is literally an adrenaline junkie.

Seriously, if you go looking through the chapters with him in them, you are likely to see him smiling when he realizes his opponent has a nice trick up his sleeve that might prove to be a challenge.

So with Kashimo, it isn’t just about the excitement from the battle, but what it means for him to be able to fight a strong and unkillable opponent.

What’s more. I just can’t get over the idea that Kashimo, a man who had once become bound by the limitations of a decaying body, is now occupying a vessel in the prime of his youth.

And that’s actually one of my absolute favorite things about Kashi-chan. The fact that he is so eager and excited to go all out now that he’s in a body that can keep up with how energetic he is. 

Ok that was actually an analysis based on 14 panels featuring Kashi-chan, not 3. But I’ve been fangirling about Kashi for some time now and today I felt like writing and so voilá. 

I feel like I am only scratching the surface as per usual and there’s more to say about him but... this is good enough for now.

If you read this, I hope you’re enjoying Kashi as much as I am.

[22drunkb]

Hi, sorry to bother you. Wanted to ask if you've watched/heard of House of the Dragon by any chance? I remember reading your masterful fairytale analyses on Hannibal back in the day, and having watched Hotd recently your blog was the first that came to my mind when I thought of reading some juicy after-viewing meta and analysis. Apologies in case you have already mentioned the show before and I missed the post. I would be also very interested in your tv and film recs. Any recent favorites?

Hi! Thank you for thinking of me; that is a real compliment.

I got off the GoT train around s3 or 4 (some discussion of that here) and, to be honest with you, endured the next several years of its dominating the culture pretty long-sufferingly, so I have not watched HotD. Sorry I don't have anything to offer you on that!

Recent favorites will also be slim pickings because I've been too slammed/burned out (and recently, sick) to watch much of anything lately, but:

For TV, right now it's pretty much Andor. I had also given up on Disney Star Wars, but heard so many interesting things about Andor specifically that I decided to give it a try and it is very good. Like, confusingly so. If you had asked me a year ago whether "psychosexual drama" (as opposed to like, props or design) was a phrase I would ever use in relation to Star Wars, I would have laughed, but here we are. It's received a lot of deserved praise for...pretty much everything (acting! set and production design! writing! political engagement!), but I still feel that some of the thematic aspects of the writing are underappreciated. It's not just politically intelligent, but it's experienced and funny in the ways it portrays activists, revolutionaries, and fascists. It shows you multiple sides of every character and sets them up to echo each other in interesting ways that make sophisticated, understated points about how people pursue their aspirations under their particular constraints. It has very quietly built an entire theme around the idea of "climbing" that links beautifully into Rogue One without having to announce it or wink about it. I am always a sucker for drama that is interested in responsibility and complicity, and this one is very interested in those things.

It was a couple years ago now, but I loved Station Eleven. Interestingly, in very different ways, this show and Andor share an interest in the theater troupe as storytelling device--which I always like, probably due to having imprinted on Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead at a young age. But it has a lot to say about surviving, and how to do it, and why. It handles time and memory and referentiality in interesting ways. All the technical aspects were excellent, but this show was specifically and especially robbed of an Emmy for costume design.

Speaking of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, I rewatched the movie version early in the pandemic and I think it's deeply misunderstood and underrated. I hadn't thought about this before, but I would bet it would appeal to a lot of Hannibal fans. Abstruse dialogue, tragic confrontation with inevitable Fate, self-awareness about being caught in the narrative, codependence, what's not to like.

I have not yet gotten myself together to watch the new Interview with the Vampire series, but I am 90% sure I and any Hannibal fan would love it.

Besides Hannibal, my standbys remain Black Sails, Person of Interest, and Leverage. Fleabag isn't a standby in the same way but is excellent in its entirety.

Some series I never finished for a variety of reasons but thought were great: The Expanse (still want to finish it!), GLOW, The Good Place, The Americans, Doom Squad, Killing Eve (though I hear they fucked up the ending). I think Mr Robot is very much worth watching for the first two seasons, after which point one should pretend it ceased to exist; same for Legion, except that the s2 finale also doesn't exist.

As far as reality TV goes, I genuinely love Blown Away. (Think Top Chef or GBBO, but for blowing glass.)

Movies: last year all I saw was Nope and Top Gun: Maverick, and I just watched Glass Onion the other night. Nope is wonderful (wrote something short about it here). I was already a stan for the original Top Gun (#problematic? yes! camp classic? also yes!), but even if you're not, it is an unbelievably layered and interesting cultural artifact in relation to Tom Cruise's Star Image, Whither America, and Whither the Film Business. Glass Onion was fun!

I feel the same way about The Green Knight and The Menu as I do about the IWTV series.

Some friends of mine have started asking me to recommend a classic 60s film every time I go over there, so I have recently had occasion to rewatch The Court Jester (spoof on medieval period pieces--there is no The Princess Bride without this movie--astoundingly clever songwriting, virtuoso comedic performances from Danny Kaye, Angela Lansbury, and Basil Rathbone, interesting gender and queer dynamics) and The Odd Couple (absolute comedy classic about two divorced friends who move in together and cannot handle it. Also much queerer than I realized as a child.) They both remain magnificent.

Hope something here hits for you!

[lovely-necromancy]

A Cure for Insomnia CH 1.

This is a reader insert I originally started posting on AO3. I’m cross posting here because I know some of the fandom still lives here.

Quick Disclaimer:

This is a fic I'm writing for my own comfort.

I was inspired by RaeBees (you can check out their works over on Quotev and AO3), and how they characterize the "proxies". Having always seen the characters different than most of the fandom I've interacted with I never really shared my thoughts until now. This work is only placed in the Creepypasta tag so it reaches its demographic. However, I am fully aware of the fact that no main character is considered a Pasta.

It may also appear to lean more Toby X Protag in the beginning but end goal is protag with all three, and Brian and Tim already in a relationship. How I picture it now is a slowburn but Toby and Protag will be in a friends with benefits relationship before either has any feelings, so I think that counts. Some may be confused by the asexual protag tag but it'll be explained in story, as an Ace myself I get frustrated with media that only show one version and say it goes for us all. That being said I don't represent the whole Ace community but I hope to provide a bit more representation for some others out there.

Protag will be depicted as agender, and will have a few tics that stem from their Autism. Again I don't speak for any others with Autism but I hope to provide some representation for those in similar positions.

Tags will be updated as the story progresses. Canon-Typical violence and mental health issues are to be expected if you feel uncomfortable with those aspects I advise you to not engage. This story will also have a lot of NSFW themes and scenes so I highly discourage anyone under the age of 18 from viewing this work. You will get warnings on chapters with NSFW and I will make it skippable as well.

I'm also very nitpicky and gave the main characters birthdays just because it irritates me when it gets mentioned once and you have to do the math or imagine your own conversation when a birthday was too close to a character's.

Tim January 1st, home state Alabama

Toby April 28th, home state Virginia (saw this years ago no clue if it's accurate)

Protag May 13th, home state Virginia

Brian May 23rd, home state Alabama

Connor the service dog July 18th, home state Kentucky

I've referred to Protag as Protag here but in story they're referred to as YN.

Everything felt impossibly dull; your senses, the dark room you're currently in, the noise coming from the fan just to the left of the bed on which you laid. Turning to the window beside your head you stare out into that weird midnight summer sky. More of a gray than a true dark blue night, cast in an orange glow that made the night seem closer to day than it truly was. While the time was just half past twelve, you felt it may have been more accurate to say it was closer to four in the morning.

You're exhausted but that true sort of exhaustion where whatever energy you have left buzzes all around. It consumes your entire being, dances between being deafeningly loud in your ears to giving you twitches in your legs. You'd laid down hours ago thinking you'd be tired enough to sleep once your tics started to spasm in closer intervals, but to no avail were you able to rest. That buzzing preventing you from dreamland. Maybe the hum of your body was right, you didn't really need to sleep, you just wanted it to feel normal.

Knowing the battle had already been lost you push yourself off the bed and grab a pair of shorts off the floor. Slipping them on you contemplate your options for the night. Going into town was out since it was Sunday...well Monday now, but there would be nothing but bars open and you were never one for drinking. And as fun as a drive sounds right now, you feel the buzzing in your bones grow stronger, you need to move. A late night hike should keep you occupied, with it being so quiet and the middle of the night you wouldn't even have to take your headphones to cancel out the sounds of other people, you aren't likely to run into many people tonight.

Deciding on a hike you grab a mask and car keys and make your way to your yellow Kia Soul. A going away present from your parents that they gave you the moment you got your driver's license after your 24th birthday. Having anxiety throughout your life you'd never been in the head space to start driving till later on, and while you still don't enjoy driving you are pretty good at it even with your “late” start. Surfing through radio stations as you let the car warm up you find your latest obsession, it's a conspiracy theory podcast that someone in Kepler managed to blast through the limited air ways of the town. Impressive considering Kepler was in a radio quiet zone and even cell phones couldn't work in the small town, luckily you lived just outside of the zone so you could send texts and call your parents every weekend.

It seemed today's episode was a rerun, Mothman: Murderer, Man, or Myth. It was actually one of your favorites, the paranormal stories tended to be more entertaining than hearing about how a man could murder sixteen people while working as a cop ruining evidence to lead the others off his trail. Humans could be more vial and cruel than any little gray alien from the future or tall Fresno Nightcrawler could ever be. And they weren't as entertaining to hear about, nor were their exploits as impressive. You could always see patterns, either connecting clues first or finding connections no one else saw, it was never hard to tell where a certain case would lead so you'd always end up disappointed in humanity when they overlooked such obvious clues. Though that often led you down a path of deep diving for information to see just how obvious it was, more often than not you'd find that the most logical conclusion was shady public officers. After investigating so many cold cases you're sure if you're ever in trouble you'll never involve the police, in the end they'd probably just ignore you and rule your case closed if anything ever did happen to you.

'I'd haunt them if they did.' You decide and you shift gears and begin driving to the Monongahela National Forest, as the timeline of Mothman sightings and events play out before for your ears.

Instead of going through town and possibly loosing the signal of the show, you drive on the old dirt road that runs along the very edge of the town, partially covered in trees. This over grown road is the main reason Kepler doesn't see many visitors, the second someone makes their way onto it coming off the interstate they floor it until they see civilization. Over the few months you've been here you've nearly been run right off the road by spooked tourists, trying to escape whatever ghouls their wild imaginations created. The only real thing on this road was a mini mart gas station, and even though it was shady as hell the cashier didn't bug you too much when you came in in the dead of night. Plus they had a cat, how could you not stop in and say hi to little ole Magnolia?

Speaking of which you should probably get a drink for your hike, you could already feel your throat drying out. Turning into the parking lot you're happy to see no other cars around, putting your face mask on you make your way inside. As usual the store is dead at this time, and Ronnie is manning the desk. What's unusual is the man also behind the counter, he has dark brown hair that he's tied into a small and low ponytail, thick sideburns frame his face. You immediately take note of the slight imperfections of his face, most would see the slit in his eyebrow as following the current trend or even just a genetic thing, but you can see the slightly off color of a healed scar that starts just above his eyebrow and ends mid eyelid, he has a few smaller discolorations on his crooked nose, you'd guess he's had it broken at least twice.

Briefly taking a glance to his brown eyes before looking away, today is not an eye contact day. Nodding in their directions, the best acknowledgment you can give right now, you make your way to the freezers. From the freezer section you can hear Ronnie “explain” you.

“That's YN, a regular mainly at night though. A bit skittish and rarely ever says more than 'thanks have a nice day'” Even though she's whispering you can hear everything. Including the high octave her voice takes to mimic you, it feels more like mocking.

If being mocked hadn't already put you on edge the eyes boring into you have. The eyes may not be roaming over your body but the icky crawling of your skin sure makes it feel that way. The feeling of being put under a microscope has always made you sick, the stares, the leers and sneers, and the judgment just makes you want to implode on the spot. Cease existence, be swallowed into the abyss. You're about to set yourself into an anxiety attack with all these thoughts.

'Mask, mask, mask' you repeat over and over in your head, it's the only thing you can focus on. You are wearing a mask, there is one thing they can't perceive, the face is the most important for humans to perceive, your mask protects you.

Without looking you pull a water bottle from the cooler. You don't think you like this brand but the sports mouth makes up for it, and you can't focus enough to grab another. As the imaginary spiders crawl their way under your skin and your breath hitches you make your way over to the counter head down, never looking up at the employees beyond the counter. Your vision is blurring in time with the beating of your heart, you can't tell if it's due to nerves or from being up for five days in a row.

“Hey YN, how're you?” Ronnie asks, her tone is different from the past times you've been in. It's higher and has a lilt in it that you'd expect from a teasing friend. But Ronnie isn't a friend and has never spoken to you like this, you hate it. You nod to politely move on with the process, between the crawling of your skin and the buzzing underneath it you feel sick. And you're now very aware of the existence of your eyelids, you try to focus on ignoring that awareness. You need to move.

“Hmm, that's good. Anyway this is Tim! He's just started so go easy on him.” you hear the sound of a hand hitting fabric and assume she's patted Tim's shoulder as she introduced Tim to you. Why was she doing this, what purpose could introducing you two have? You nod again, was anyone going to ring you out?

“Hi, this all?” a deep voice asked, it isn't extremely deep more of a standard baritone that has a slight raspy quality, probably a reformed smoker. You don't smell cigarettes currently so he could've quit after years. Unfortunately despite your efforts to stave them off your blinking tics emerge. Making it difficult to keep your eyes open for longer than a nano second.

Startled and ticcing you look up and catch his eyes, you see pity in them, before casting your glance back to the counter. You can never tell what's worse people seeing you as weird or seeing you as something needing to be fixed. Nodding again, Tim tells you the total; a dollar fifty eight, and you hand him two dollars from your wallet.

Tim doesn't ask if you want the receipt or a bag, he prints out the receipt and hands you your change. The change goes immediately into the cat food fund for Magnolia. She got diagnosed with diabetes about a month ago and having worked in shelters and pet stores you know just how expensive her prescription food is. After folding the receipt into your wallet, Tim gently slides the water bottle over to you.

“Have a good night.” he says it so low and gentle, as if he thinks you'll shatter in front of him. As kind as the gesture seems, you aren't that fragile...or maybe you are if you have to keep repeating 'mask' over and over in your head to ground yourself. With a final nod you turn and make your way to the door, and just as you open it you hear Ronnie call out.

“Awwww, c'mon YN at least say 'Hi' to Tim.” You really don't like how she squeaked out 'hi'.

Taking a deep breath you prepare yourself, you'll show them both you can do this simple task. Even if you can't stop blinking long enough to see straight. Once you've steadied yourself you turn and look at Tim. He's sending you a look that says 'You don't have to' all that's missing is a slow head shake to complete his unease with this “peer pressure”.

But you can do this you can say 'Hi, Tim.' Two words super simple, nothing complex like 'Hi, Tim, nice to meet you.' and so much better than the option of your next meeting saying 'Hi, Tim. Sorry for spazzing out the other night.'. Yup you can do this just breathe, you open your mouth and...and you've forgotten what to say. Looking like a deer in headlights, well at least the tics stopped, you say the first thing that pops in.

“Mask.” You've said it loud and clear both cashiers heard you.

Tim stares with wide eyes and you see Ronnie failing to hide her laughter. Out of all the ways this could've gone this was probably the best outcome for her. The blinking has started up again, this time growing more frequent. You can't even hold your eyes open, to the two cashiers it must look like you're in pain or crying. And while you want to die of embarrassment, crying is a bit of an extreme for you.

So with red face and the inability to see you leave through the door, and try to make your way back to your car. Once in you lock the doors, switch the car on, and rest your head on the steering wheel. Out of every way this stop could've gone, being perceived by a new comer and Ronnie was not what you expected. While this hadn't been the worst five minutes or so of your life, it definitely would be another thing keeping you up at night for the next twenty years.

Calming down in the cool quiet dark of your car your slowly brought back to the world by the beginning of a new episode. This one talking about the Tailypo legend. A favorite story of yours from when you were a kid living on the coast of Virginia. So with yet another deep breath and the wave of nostalgia, you pull out of the parking lot and slowly coast down the old dirt road. Heading yet again for the Monongahela forest.

It's nearly two in the morning when you roll up to see an RV parked by the forgotten entrance of the park. It isn't surprising at all to find an RV out here since the Monongahela Forest is one of the most beautiful parks you've ever been to. You also don't think anything of them being parked by this unused entrance because you use it all the time since finding it accidentally. Figuring they just wanted to camp and be left to their own devices rather than use the RV sites and be bothered with other campers here for the summer.

Climbing out of your car you notice the RV isn't new by any means but it isn't a total rust bucket either, looks like it's been passed around throughout the years. There isn't anything to suggest it's been here a while, nothing left set up outside, must have just gotten into town then. You do happen to notice dog tracks around the sandy dirt you've parked in, good to know they have a dog before you slammed your car door. Closing the door gently behind you so you don't startle a pup and wake up it's owner or owners, you make your way through the woods. No real direction in mind, with no real thought in your head. Just the thought of moving and to keep on moving.

You could walk the same path every time you came through and always find something different. In fact that's exactly what happens, you're almost positive that you've deepened the imprint of the path just from walking through several times a week. Following the same winding path you usually do, climbing over the fallen tree, and through a scattering of blueberry thicket's you find yourself on the edge of one of the forest's many streams. It's your favorite spot in the forest so far, and about as far as you've gotten considering these hikes of yours take place during the dead of night.

The wind picks up and sends a chill through you, taking that as a sign you slide down to sit by the stream. Vans placed to your side as you sink your feet into the cool water. It's peaceful out here, so cool, and quiet, save for the slight noises the stream makes, various bubbling and drips. You try to think on things like your recent move, your job, the embarrassing 'mask' incident, just life in general. But you can't seem to form a single thought, this happens a lot, you've recently been conscious of the fact that you've been running on auto pilot for the past two months, hell a lot longer than that. You think everyone must get like this from time to time, but you think you've always been this way. Keen to dissociating and slipping in and out of existence.

It's quite nice really, except for the times like right now where you'd love to figure out why the silence in your head is so painfully loud. The more you think on it the louder it gets and the stronger the buzzing under your skin feels. And right now the static in your mind has been getting louder and louder for the past few minutes. You feel your head jerk to the right of it's own accord, moving back in place it happens for a second time, and then a third, then jerks up, before jerking a forth time to the right effectively cracking you neck.

“There we go.” you mumble, you can relax a bit as the verbal tic indicates the end of this round of tics.

Sighing you look at the sky...that can't be right. The sky has been painted it's fresh baby blues for the day, but again that can't be right. You just got to the stream, that path is a thirty minute walk meaning it should be just about two thirty in the morning, but the sky suggests it's five or six at the latest. Reaching for your water bottle you find it empty next to you. You didn't fall asleep you know that much, perhaps you did dissociate tonight. Well this hike was disappointing if you knew you were going to dissociate you'd have saved yourself that embarrassment and stayed home. Maybe done some painting or tidied up.

Sighing you push yourself off the ground, collecting you vans you're about to put them on when you notice a figure off in the distance. You freeze out of shock and stare at the figure, it stares back. The figure is about ten yards away, god your near sighted ass should really remember to not leave your glasses in the car when hiking. The figure starts to make it's way to you and after a few steps you realize it hasn't moved from it's spot. Rolling your eyes you ignore the hallucination.

You'd really needed to get sleep last night, today is day six of no sleep and though you haven't had many episodes these past few days, you have a feeling they'll start to get more prominent today. Hopefully tonight you can manage to get some rest, the longer you go without sleep the more realistic the hallucinations become. But for today you're content with the knowledge that it's just shadow like beings that you'll be seeing.

After putting on your shoes you start the thirty minute hike back to your car. You're thankful for the weather in Kepler, nothing like back on the coast. Here you can go for a morning hike through the forest while a gentle breeze passes by and the sun starts to give the area a pleasant warmth. Back on the coast you couldn't run and grab the mail without getting drenched in moisture from either sweat, humidity, or a mixture of both.  The coast sucks, hell Virginia sucks altogether, you're glad to be in Kepler.

“I want to go home, home.” you say out of nowhere.

Before you reach the entrance you hear barking, oh the RV campers must be up. Should you be careful not to scare them, or just walk normally and say 'Good morning' in passing, maybe just nod your head in greeting. Oh and you've stopped just beside the entrance as you got lost in your rambling. You didn't mean to come to a stop here, and as you try to move you notice how silent it's gotten. Did the dog go inside, maybe they've already passed...no it's too quiet for that. No the silence is oppressive like the one you deal with nightly, there's a reason for the silence. The situation's making you feel uneasy, but that could be the sleep deprivation talking.

You're about to brush it off and move when you hear a whispered, “Seriously man, I don't think anyone's out there. Let's get inside.”

There's a noise of agreement before you hear shuffling. Oh no, you zoned out and now you look like a weirdo stalker. Just perfect, maybe if you wait around a little more you'll seem more normal or at least feel normal. Not knowing how long to wait you walk along the tree line for a bit, looking at the ground as you do making sure you won't step on any snakes. In you quest to not step on any snakes you spot something suspiciously off white. It seems purposefully buried under a dead blueberry bush and some fallen branches.

Having listened to too many true crime shows, you know better than to implicate yourself in a murder. Grabbing a stick off the ground you gently brush the foliage away from the supposed corpse. No way, you can't believe your luck, it's an actual fucking skull. An intact skull of a deer! That is so cool, you've only seen taxidermists on TikTok getting so lucky and finding these dudes. Since the jaw bone is connected by tissue it of course isn't with the skull but maybe it's close by? Clearly this got planted or hidden by someone, maybe they were planning on pranking a friend by 'uncovering' a skull later. Oh well, finders keepers and all that, you have way better plans for this guy, hopefully you can find that jaw bone.

You set off searching through the foliage and near by bushes with the branch while holding the skull in your other arm. After searching about three feet around and finding no more bones you decide that this is the only part of the deer's skeleton in this area. A little disappointed but still thrilled with your find, you decide it must be a good time to go back to your car.

Surely you won't look weird now. You a little forager with their treasure in hand. Looks like you'll be busy cleaning, then bleaching, and cleaning these bones today. Is that the order to treat found bones? You aren't sure but you can look into that later. Placing the skull in the trunk so it doesn't roll about and get damaged you make sure it's secure before closing the trunk and getting into your car and locking the doors.

Not once did you notice the pairs of eyes that had been watching you. One watching as you found the deer skull, and the other set seeing you place bones into your car. They kept watching as you fiddled with the radio while the car was starting up. They watched as you pulled out of the sandy dirt lot and drove back down the old road a little faster than before now that you could clearly see.

[doctorofmagic]

Stephen’s indelible sin

For those who follow me for a while, you’re probably aware that I speak of guilt and self-loathing A LOT when it comes to Stephen. Once I wrote about his most terrible sin, but since then, I’ve gathered MORE information concerning Stephen and Hulk’s relationship. And, on a personal level, I think both fans and writers should explore this bond more, given their history.

Today, I’ll bring a detailed review on Stephen’s mistake and how it escalated into a pain that will never cease to exist within his heart and soul.

Warning: get your handkerchiefs ready, this is about to become sad quite rapidly.

We’ll begin our journey of angst in 1967, as seen in Strange Tales #156-157. In order to prevent Umar from walking on Earth, the Ancient One advises Stephen to release an evil and powerful demon called Zom. The demon is able to defeat Umar, but his strength is overwhelming, enough to give the Ancient One a hard time. Zom’s power is so evil and cursed that releasing him is a deed that catches the Living Tribunal’s (undue) attention. The Living Tribunal is so offended he wants to destroy Earth. And guess what? He blames Stephen, even though he was a mere apprentice imbued with blind obedience at that time.

The Living Tribunal imprisons Zom again, while Stephen convinces the deity that Earth deserves another chance. Stephen basically saves the planet, as usual, while Zom remains dormant for literally decades.

We’ll skip now to a not-so-canon event called “the birth of the Illuminati”, or “how Stephen ruined his life for good out of arrogance and toxic masculinity”. It’s uncertain when they first gathered to boss around the planet, but according to History Of The Marvel Universe #3 (2019) and New Avengers: Illuminati #1 (2007), they made this decision after the Kree/Skrull War, creating a secret council to answer for all humanity, even though humanity itself wasn’t aware of those dubious representatives. The Kree/Skrull war dates back to 1971, which means they spent decades plotting their hidden agendas.

Still, they’re heroes, right? They wouldn’t harm people, would they? They wouldn’t harm their friends or make mistakes. They’re supposed to be the smartest, most powerful people on Earth. Oh. Let me tell you something. Their very first mission was the reason why we had Civil War and Secret Invasion. Yes. It’s their fault that the Skrulls invaded Earth. And yes, Stephen is to blame because he was there with the group when they first threatned the Skrulls never to come back, or else they’d face them. Hah.

However, this is not his indelible sin. As you all know, what I consider an irreparable mistake was sending Hulk to Sakaar. And what’s even worse? It wasn’t the first time that Stephen tried to banish Hulk, as seen in The Incredible Hulk v1 #305 (1985).

But why is Stephen so haunted by banishing a menace? Because Hulk was, foremost, a dearest friend.

From Defenders v1 #12 (1973)

When it comes to Hulk’s friendships, people always think of Rick Jones, Amadeus Cho, even his cousin Jennifer Walters. But few people remember that Stephen and Valkyrie were two of the first heroes to treat Hulk kindly and with respect, even though Hulk always called Stephen names (the most iconic, “dumb magician”, which is a personal favorite of mine).

Stephen has always treated Hulk as an equal, as someone who is so much more than a mindless brute. So it’s really strange for me to read that, at some point, Stephen tried to banish him twice.

Sadly, it happened. The first was not as iconic as the second, though. So I’m focusing on the latter. Remember the Illuminati? The group thought they had the right to decide Hulk’s fate after he went berserk and destroyed Las Vegas. And Stephen agreed to it. Namor, who was also a member of the Defenders along with Stephen and Hulk, was the only one who refused, as seen in New Avengers: Illuminati One-Shot (2006). The three of them were the original members. Stephen should’ve known better. So why would he agree to this?

Because, again, the Illuminati are a very dubious group whose foundations are based on toxic masculinity. Powerful, egoic men left unchecked. And Stephen, as Earth’s most powerful sorcerer, couldn’t resist the call. The Ancient One was dead. The mantle of the Sorcerer Supreme was his. Clea left him years later - and he never told her about his dirty little secret, something that is subtly confirmed somewhere between New Avengers: Illuminati #4 (2007) and Avengers v4 #9 (2011).

Thus, it seems that Stephen, at some point, decided that he was better than everyone around him, a trait that was supposed to be buried in the past along with his arrogant neurosurgeon self. The kind man who has always praised his allies was now gone.

Except... World War Hulk happened. Long story short, Hulk ended up in Sakaar and found a new life after defeating his captor. He married and became king, and he was happy (you can get a very shady glimpse of this story in MCU’s Thor: Ragnarok, but that version is quite family friendly. World War Hulk is far worse). But then, the ship which the Illuminati created to send him into space exploded, killing his wife in the process. Spoiler: it wasn’t the Illuminati. It was Miek, who framed the Illuminati so Hulk would call revenge upon them. Enraged as never seen before, Hulk was truly decided to kill Reed, Tony, Black Bolt and... yes, Stephen.

At first, Stephen tried to reason with him. But Hulk’s hatred was beyond words. Stephen had all his fingers broken, ouch. Imagine his pain, assuming his hands were once injured in the car accident and still hurt from the damage and all the surgeries he has been through...

Now, as you know, Stephen is stubborn as hell. Remember the demon Zom? When everything else failed to stop the Hulk, Stephen finally corrupted his soul and let the demon possess him. Obviously, he lost control and almost harmed innocent people, which was enough for him to be distracted long enough for Hulk to finish him off.

In the end, Hulk discovered the truth behind the explosion and, after a rage outburst, transformed back to Banner. Stephen almost died that day by the hands of his friend. But he didn’t. All that was left from that sad event was guilt. Endless, heavy guilt.

One could arguee that Stephen is out of character. And I would’ve agreed with you, except... Nor time nor actions were good enough to heal Stephen’s heart. It never went away. Never.

The reason why he forfeited the mantle of the Sorcerer Supreme? Because he used Zom’s dark magic and hurt Bruce deeply. And that affected him on so many levels that he didn’t find himself worthy anymore.

From New Avengers v1 Annual #2 (2008).

It didn’t stop there. He tried time and time again. He was never able to find the proper words to apologize because he knows words will never heal the pain he inflicted on his friend.

These thoughts are Stephen’s. “Two words I’ll repeat for the rest of my days. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” (From Incredible Hulks #618)

And poor Stephen even goes and tries to compensate his lack of expertise when it comes to interpersonal relationships, projecting his relationship with Hulk into, well, another Hulk. He’s so afraid of making the same mistakes he doesn’t even know where the line is drawn.

From Weapon H #2 (2018).

As I said, it will never go away. And Stephen knows it.

From Defenders v4 #1 (2011).

The point is, people make mistakes. And sometimes these mistakes are just too painful to be erased. Stephen strongly believes he’ll never be forgiven, which is quite sad because this sin will always be a source of guilt for him. Whether or not Hulk forgives Stephen in the future, it will always remain a burden.

Personally, I believe that blaming himself for what happened to Hulk is even worse than blaming himself for Clea’s departure. Because, see, Clea has forgiven Stephen over the years. They still love each other and, once you ignore Fearless Defenders, there’s no sin. They both agreed to take separate ways, even though their love still existed.

But Hulk? It’s a story about betrayal between friends. It’s quite cruel and sad for both sides. I can only hope that, someday, a writer will make it up for them. They deserve another chance. And, as unreliable as I am, all I want to see is a happy Stephen.

[dangermousie]

Look at those arms! MMMMM!

You know, I really like Gilina. Or, more correctly, I really like what Gilina represents, both in terms of Crichton’s development and in his feelings for Aeryn. Gilina is Earth Crichton’s dream girl: she is blonde, pretty, sweet, and plucky (she is no push-over). She is also a girl geek, and a techie and for our scientist, that’s quite irresistibly appealing. (Btw, let me take a moment to note how much I like that the show showed us that Crichton had a type in women, B.A. (before Aeryn): they were blonde and sweet and had a certain safe niceness to them. Aeryn is not blonde, not sweet, and not safe at all. And neither is his feeling for her). If Gilina was a girl working for a research institute on Earth and she and John met at some party, I can easily see them talking, dating, falling in love and getting married. And having a happy married life. And the John of ‘PK Tech Girl,’ despite some unpleasant encounters in the Uncharted Territories is still enough of the Earth John to be attracted to Gilina, to be at the very beginning of developing something for her. He is still enough of an innocent, with enough uncomplicated and sweet left in him, for Gilina to be his type. But of course, that is not the case any more when they meet again in ‘Nerve.’ When they meet again, Gilina has had a fairly uneventful PK tech existence. She hasn’t changed much. But she is not Crichton’s type any more. Not after Maldis and finding out firsthand that there are psychopaths that will just enjoy watching you die for the fun of it, not after Crais and finding out that no, if you only explain the truth, it won’t make it better. The person will still want to kill you even if they believe you, even if it’s wrong and irrational, and there is nothing you can do. Not after ‘Jeremiah Crichton’ (my least fave ep of the whole show, but whose theme of Crichton’s long isolation is well taken). Not after finding out the truth about Zhaan, or almost dying out there in space with Aeryn. Not after the mind and soul fuck of ‘A Human Reaction.’   Gilina is not for this John. Not any more. And it’s not just that in the meanwhile he’s ceased to see anyone but Aeryn. It is also that his character has changed. And that is only the beginning. When he meets her in ‘Nerve’ it is pre-Scorpius, pre-Aurora Chair, pre-everything in S2, 3 and 4 (I’d do a list but it would take too long to type). If Gilina met S4 Crichton, she’d freak and run away and rightly so. A digression, but I find it fascinating how John's non-Aeryn women reflect his change. We have his ex-gf on Earth who he was serious enough to apparently want to propose to, before they went their separate career way. She is sort of like Gilina only blander, less engaging (Earth Crichton strikes me as someone who's had things come to him too easily because of his intelligence or what not. His passion (for whatever) was never truly engaged to the full, and the gf reflects that.) There is also Caroline (who we meet in Terra Firma) with whom he had something or other, but she is rather like his Earth-ex and it's clear the Crichton of TF doesn't even have anything to say to her any more. From them, we progress to Gilina (about whom see above). In first half of S2, there is the PK Disruptor. Now, she is a lot more edges, more hardness. If she is like anyone, it's a female version of Bond. And Crichton sleeps with her, because hey, he's tried everything to get Aeryn to admit any interest, he's beaten his head against the rock and he's beaten it and beaten it. But she refused and she's conclusively walked out of his life for good (not even came to see him for the very last time, when he needed her most). And also, girl can kill him, good to stay on her good side. There is no Gilina sweetness in her, at all. PK Tech Girl Crichton would annoy her and be intimidated to be with her, not so much Crichton of that s2 ep arc. But interestingly, that is the last time he even looks at another woman, no matter the circumstances. Once Aeryn and he admit their love to each other at the end of S2/beginning of S3, that is it. Even at the second part of S3, when Aeryn is off with Talyn-Crichton, Moya-Crichton goes deep into his obsession with wormholes, not any girls at all, and he is just as obsessed with Aeryn as ever. Even after the end of S3, the beginning of S4, even after he tells Aeryn "I can trust you with my life. But not my heart" and he locks himself away, he still does not look at anyone else. He cannot. And even the drugs cannot knock her out from his mind. Which is why his last non-Aeryn woman is Grayza, who rapes him while at the same time telling him if he gives her the wormhole stuff she will help him find Aeryn (OMG, that bit is seriously the worst in the whole scene). I think the darker progression of these women-others mirrors the darker and darker universe. OK, digression over.   I find it interesting that in S1 we have a number of people (beings, whatever) whose life is affected, changed by Crichton and who are grateful for that and thank him for changing/opening/saving either explicitly, or it’s implied. But after S1 this slows to a trickle pretty fast and then stops almost entirely. Crichton is such an innately kind person, and one of the saddest things in the show is seeing this kindness leach away under the tortures (literal and figurative) he is subjected to. I find it so sad and so significant that in the S3 finale it’s Aeryn who brings up the fact that the command carrier has a lot of lives which John’s plan might end. Aeryn. Not John. She’s become more compassionate (she, who started out saying ‘I hate that word’) and he’s become much less. These are both reactions to their environment, to events they are in (When they initially meet, she is a product of an individuality-less, soulless scenario. Even if he is wrong in reading her at the very very first in Premiere during intros, he is not wrong in reading her potential, in recognizing she is a person, and even as early as Premiere she proves him right. I also love that for Crichton, she is always her own person, not a preconceived notion of what she should be. He loves her for being Aeryn, not for some idealized being in his head). And yet it is never completely suppressed, it is always there, however muted and downtrodden, however circumscribed. He had to jettison most of it in order to stay sane and to survive, but somewhere deep inside he is still the guy who, in a completely strange world, took the time to fix the eye-stalk of a mechanical critter thingy he didn’t know at all.   And of course, part of the reason he jettisons it is also because whenever he tries to save someone or make it better, it often ends up making the situation worse. I am thinking for example of S3’s lovely ‘Different Destinations’ which turns a beloved sci-fi trope on its head and he has to live with it and he can barely bear it.   And I love how the show never lets us forget the cost this takes on him, that he is not a power-hungry psychopath, a cavalier callous being only caring about his small group of friends. That coda to S4’s ‘We Are So Screwed’ where he is with Aeryn, and he breaks down, and he can’t help it, and he weeps for what he’d done, for what he almost did (and it’s going to be small fry in comparison with PKW) is just brilliant and heartbreaking and one of my favorite bits (and I love that she is there, and she silently comforts him, and he clutches her arm as a lifeline). And that is why I actually liked the drug storyline in S4. After all the stuff that Crichton been through, I am surprised he didn’t end up going on something earlier, just to deal with it all somehow (I love that the show brought up earlier that he has nightmares, feels tremendous guilt, and that was mid S2, I am sure they are much worse now). And it also made sense that when his number 1 obsession, Aeryn, told him to give it up, he did, as he’d pick her over anything. She’s his number 1 drug. Basically, he needs Aeryn desperately. She is what allows him to function, allows him to stay (relatively) sane, what holds him together. When he can’t have her, or doesn’t have her, he falls apart and needs something else to get through the days (wormholes in S3, lakka in S4). I do find it interesting that Crichton keeps his compassion, however tattered, but he develops absolute priorities, as a result of choices he shouldn’t have had to make. Most people don’t really analyze whether they will pick the woman they love or selling one’s soul and giving up something which earlier, to protect, you didn’t give up even when tortured or hunted or broken. They don’t have to. Crichton’s developed rigid priorities are a result of the environment where he had to confront those hierarchies in himself. Crichton’s earlier ‘purity’ and goodness and optimism exist in part because he is a product of a relatively sheltered life (compared to Uncharted Territories). But that early cleanness allows others to see a better or at least a different path for themselves and so they repay the favor later by pulling him out when he is on the brink of succumbing to all these horrors (which really do seem to be scarily disproportionately triggered at him). One of the things I love about Crichton is that even after he’s seen and dealt horrors, he has a certain moral absolutism to him (however broken it gets at times) and a pure refusal to give up, and strength even if only to make the least worst of two bad choices presented to him. Something untainted is always there, maybe a legacy of his initial idealism, and so he never breaks, not permanently, not irreparably, though he comes very very close. Throughout the show, even as that world bends and molds and twists him to its own parameters, he manages to make the world somewhat bend and mold and twist to himself.   Do you know what I really really wish for John and Aeryn and the kid after the end of PKW? A few years of total peace, where they can just travel the space in Moya, and John can do his research, and be with Aeryn and watch their child grow, without having to worry about saving his and their lives every other day.

OK, these are getting epically long omg.

[vasiliquemort]

Hello dear writer/artist/wonderful human being,

Tumblr just showed me one of your posts and I realised that I never told you how amazed I am by your prose both in the game and on your blog (I feel simply calling it writing doesn‘t cut it). How you put your thoughts, emotions and atmosphere into descriptions and dialogue is absolutely stunning to me and feels ‘artsy‘ to me in the best possible way. I love this particular very inner-workings/stream of consciousness (?) based storytelling (I‘m not a literature expert, it‘s just how I would describe it). It made me fall absolutely in love with your characters while also being in awe/slightly intimidated of/by them - which I think works very well with the atmosphere you‘re creating, especially in scenes with Charet (which is again supported by the music and your amazing art).

I can‘t wait to play more of it someday (and until then I‘m just gonna replay it over and over again) and hope you feel appreciated by this <3

Have a lovely day ~

...

Thank you so much.

Your messages left me speechless - and it is very difficult for me to describe, with all the possible colors of the language, how much they inspired and brought me into a state of delight for a long time, helping to work on new, more complex projects long before I had the courage to write this response text.

And I yearned and suffered from the fact that I could not think of something worthy that could show at least a part of my gratitude and admiration for your softness and feelings, and I would like my answer to seem complicated and interesting this time, since I would never want to leave you empty-handed. Yesterday morning, a very strange, special and inherently distant insight came to me - and I hasten to share with you everything that came to my mind, and I hope that you will like it more uwu

The difficulty was also that I am not so much fond of fiction in the traditional concept - my pace of life is restless and changeable, and, as a rule, I have enough patience and perseverance only for poetry and short stories, guided to a greater extent by a sense of aesthetics and associations (because yes, my writing style is a stream of consciousness and you completely hit the mark - I can't write in any other way, except relying on feelings and impressions * --- *) than a serious approach to the plot and idea. Apart from literature (and any other sources), which would be too hackneyed and understandable in its fame, it seemed to me that there were very few things that could interest and impress you, but now I want to think that I was wrong.

The list that I have sketched consists of writers and poets, who are united by the main thing - the fact that they are equally representatives of the same culture with me, and their feelings and aesthetics, colorfulness and sense of language were with me from the beginning of my early years and formed my idea of ​​the world and about the art of writing in general. In other matters, I do not think that the writing style and elements of history and culture will be simple and understandable - I myself have not always felt attraction and warm feelings towards them, but this is something that, I hope, can turn out to be completely new and fresh, not like anything you have experienced before experience, yet close in spirit to what I am myself trying to portray.

Starts from lighter comedies and flamboyant plays and ends in dark fantasy and heavy historical drama. The first of them are very short and read in one gulp - the last are longer, but with a reasonable volume of novels, so they can keep you busy, yet not bored;)

1. "Forest Song" by Lesia Ukrainka. This is a play written in a bright and lively language - but this is a great start if you want to read something light and airy, yet with elements of dark fantasy and Slavic folklore. The combination a little strange at first glance, - this a romantic fairy-tale play that tells about Mavka (a forest nymph), who was in love with a young human man. "Forest Song" is easy to perceive as a poetic fairy tale, but it also has a dark and tragic ending, and raises the theme of human existence in nature and the world in itself - their struggle between feelings, inspiration, brightness of perception and down-to-earthness of life, simple and understandable needs . This play prompted me to think about Margot - as the personification of these worlds and worries, but much darker, heavier and more mysterious, far from human nature.

2. "The Night Before Christmas" by Nikolai Gogol - a writer who has always been the most important and favorite for me, with a rich and varied language which I tried to copy and imitate most of my school years. "Night before Christmas" is included in the collection "Evenings on a Farm near Dikanka", which are equally small masterpieces, but it was "Night" that was a vivid and memorable experience, with such a close aesthetics of a small settlement, a heavy blizzard, creaking snow, and devils, prowling in such a mysterious darkness. This is a comedy with idealized romance - and based on it, both films were made and plays are staged, and it tells about the hopelessly in love with beautiful Oksana blacksmith Vakula, who with a cunning mind captured the devil and forced him to help Vakula in courtship. The story is very down-to-earth and light, but with elements of everyday life and culture of the Ukrainian hinterland, which can either turn out to be an interesting experience or push you away to your liking. There are Christian rituals, and descriptions of everyday life, and witches, and folk beliefs, elements of mundane comedy, the historicity of that era and many bright and partly gloomy aesthetics. This part of the culture is closely related to my thoughts and ideas about Margot, as well as about other characters and travelers from the continent (I was also inspired by the Romanian, Georgian, Mongolian and Tatar cultures equally *---*)

3. "Taras Bulba" by the same Gogol is a historical tragedy, difficult and complex, but with strong artistic elements - with a powerful feeling of a gloomy, dark era, characters in which many real and legendary persons were combined, and although they speak of it as romantic nationalism, I have never perceived it in this way (and I do not advise anyone, given the fact that you can find similar elements in almost every name in this literature). It tells about the Zaporozhye Cossack and his two sons, about the times of long wars and dark ages, and it will be a bright and exciting experience for someone far from this culture - it vividly and richly displays the life and psychology of a country that has long ceased to exist.

4. "Shadows of Forgotten Ancestors" by Mikhailo Kotsyubinsky is a dark historical story, written under the strong impression of the gloomy and mysterious culture of the Hutsuls - the Ukrainian culture of highlanders and old pagans, and the story, at first similar to a much heavier and darker version of Romeo and Juliet, smoothly flows into dark fantasy. It contains the complex psychological baggage of the hero, and a colorful description of such a strange and distant culture, the history of blood feuds and marital betrayal, and the dark forces of a crushing and dangerous nature dominating the earth.

Oh, and also, perhaps, if you have an interest in poetry - I have two big names, Ivan Franko and Taras Shevchenko. The first is a bright romantic of Galicia, with deep sensuality and passion, the second is the father of Ukrainian literature, a poet and artist, the son of a difficult and dark era with art to match him.

...

So..

Thank you so much again.

I adore you with all my heart, and of course you can take as many hugs as you want;зз

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Chimerical

Chimerical’s stories aren’t at Gossamer, but you can now find them at AO3. If you have not read them, are you in for a treat! For instance, Regular People and Regular People Still are some of the X-Files fics I have read and re-read. You may also know Chimerical from her site Chimerical Publications, which was an extensive Mulder and David Duchovny fansite. Big thanks to Chimerical for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

I’m not surprised at all that X-Files fandom is still popular, it was an amazing, creative show with iconic characters. Aside from just being entertaining, like all good Sci-Fi it asked deep, profound questions about the nature of relationships and humanity. It’s these things that people remember more than the MOWs.

However, I’m surprised to hear that my stories are still read, mostly because there is always something new, someone has a new take, and of course, we have the more recent episodes which provides all new fodder for writers, which is wonderful. But it’s super nice to hear that stories from the classic show still mean something. Also, I wasn’t a prolific writer, there are only 12 stories, but perhaps they struck a chord and people like to revisit them the way you like to re-watch a favorite episode or movie.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

Fanfic is certainly not new, but The X-Files was absolutely at the right place, at the right time. The internet was just really taking off, and it enabled fans to connect instantly in ways that hadn’t before. I remember that Fox used to send out Cease & Desist letters in an ill-considered attempt to stem fanfic because the Suits just didn’t understand what it was. Nowadays, of course, they embrace much of it, encourage it, even. Supernatural wrote whole episodes about it. But in the early days they were really stupid about it.

But what I took away from it was that great community can exist with people you have never met in person. There is a great sharing of ideas and love of great characters.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

It’s true, no Facebook, twitter, tiktok – it seems strange!

But I connected to fandom though the old Usenet message boards, you couldn’t wait until the episode was over until you could leap on and start discussing the episode. And it was painful if you were on the west coast as I was because you would get spoiled. In truth, it wasn’t must different than Twitter, just without the character limitation. But it was rather the wild, wild, west, no moderators and no terms of service. It could be a free-for-all, and some of the disagreements were legendary! For writing, certainly ATXC was the big dog for fic, and of course alt.tv.x-files for discussion. There were many different Yahoo Groups and AOL mailing lists, that catered to interests in fanfic (Friendship/Adult/Slash) or to the characters and/or actors.

But frankly, the main thing I remember was what a complete PITA it was to just get anything posted. There were all these size limitations and ASCII issues that don’t exist today, you had font and formatting limitations, which cause people to get weirdly creative with italics, bolding, quotes and so on. And you had to break your story up in weird way simply to jam it into the email because there were size limitations. And it never failed that no matter how many Beta Reads you had, you didn’t see that last damn typo until AFTER you hit the send button. There was no edit button, all you could do resend the whole damn thing. It was the fanfic version of the 20 mile walk to school through the snow……Kids today have it so easy!  LOL….

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

Actors are, and always will be, the face of the show. David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are amazing actors, and the nuance they brought each week was a wonder.

But one of the things that the X-Files also did was make people aware of the people behind the scenes, the showrunners, the writers, the directors. This was also something new. For most TV dramas, most people couldn’t tell you who wrote an episode if you had a gun to their head.

But people knew the writers like Vince Gilligan, James Wong, Darin Morgan, and of course Chris Carter and Frank Spotnitz. And they knew the directors, Rob, Chris and the late great, Kim Manners.. It was like a repertory company. You could count on Morgan & Wong for the creepy, you could count of Vince Gilligan for the humor and relationship stuff, you could count on Darin Morgan for the “what the hell was that, but I loved it.”

So I guess what I took away was a deep appreciation for the craft, for the work. This carried over to other fandoms. I’m more aware of the creative team beyond the actors.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

Believe it not, I didn’t watch at the beginning. I’ve always been a Sci-Fi fan but for some reason this wasn’t on my radar. I came in about the middle of Season 1. I was channel surfing and stopped the X-Files, it was the episode “Ice.”  I won’t lie, I stopped because I saw David Duchovny in a henley and I’m never one to pass by an attractive man. But as I watched, I became intrigued by these two characters, and their conflicted relationship with each other, even though I didn’t really know what was really going on. But I had to know more. That’s good writing, where you can walk in half-way through an episode and be captured.

I immediately checked out the old AOL Service forums and found a group. Of course, back then, there was no streaming, there was no BitTorrent. So, you just had to wait until when and if the network decided to show a repeat, which meant you were screwed if you were trying to catch up. But someone on one of the boards offered to send me VHS tapes of the episodes of missed. That’s fandom as its best - I’m excited about this and I want to share it with you. So in about a week I was caught up and hooked. I had to see how these two people’s story turned out.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

I’ve always written as a hobby, taken many writing classes, have always written short stories, worked on a novel or two. I’ve got friends who are writers by profession. But the closest I ever came to doing it professionally was co-writing a play that ran for a month off Broadway many years ago, so I’m a dabbler, at best. I’m a big reader, and good stories always make me think, “well, what if this happened….”

So, X-Files wasn’t my first fanfic rodeo. I had been involved in Quantum Leap fandom and Beauty and the Beast, some Star Trek. Once I good hooked on the show, I immediately began searching out fanfic. But it took me a long time before I wrote anything. I’m not sure why, perhaps I was waiting to see where the story went. But X-Files was different in that it blended one of my favorite genres with a truly compelling relationship story. And I don’t just mean romance, it was a melding of two entirely different ways of looking at the world that was captivating. Scully was so strong and Mulder so complex, how could you not love them.

So, I enjoy writing, I learn from it. I learn from the feedback, both good and bad. I’ve never understood fanfic writers who say “just sent me nice feedback.”  No one loves criticism, and not all criticism is valid. But you learn from it. I’ve had people tell me they hadn’t looked at an episode from that point of view and they like it - and I’ve had people tell me that I didn’t know what I was doing, everyone knew that Scully would never cuss (to which I say, please, she grew up on military bases!)  But it helps you improve.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

It was a period of my life I cherish because I met some friends who are still my friends to this day, all these years later because we found other things in common besides a show. It was great to share ideas and debate storylines. And it was a fun, creative, and exciting time. Each episode was must-see and then talking to my friends about it later was the best part.

I started to drift away when David Duchovny left the show. I thought then, and still think, they should have called it a day because the beating heart of that show was Mulder and Scully together. You can’t rip out half the heart and expect the patient to live. On an intellectual level, I got why Duchovny left, I got why Anderson stayed and I got that Fox was a fledging network back then and XF was a cash cow. But on an emotional level, it all turned upside down, especially when the much-promised “search for Mulder” never really happened.

Fans got angry. They were angry at David for leaving, they were angry at Gillian for staying, and they were angry at poor Robert Patrick, perfectly decent person, for merely existing. It got ugly and I got up caught up in that. Frankly, I was as much to blame as anyone in carrying on stupid arguments about crap that didn’t matter. And one day I just realized I’d let all the joy be sucked away, and this just wasn’t who I wanted to be, or how I wanted to spend my time. So, I took a break, I still watched the show as it limped on, but I disconnected from the fandom part of it. And by the time I’d had my break, the show was done!

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

I’m always a fan. There are many shows I’ve followed and liked, Supernatural, Fringe, Walking Dead, but I don’t get involved in the internet drama. So, I don’t get as invested.

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

I assume you mean besides Mulder and Scully!  In literature, My favorite writer is John Steinbeck and every character he created was indelible and singular. East of Eden is my favorite book and the characters of Adam & Caleb Trask, as well as Cathy Ames are so well drawn.  Of Mice and Men, Cannery Row, they’re all perfect.  Another favorite book and character is Alexandre’s Demas, The Count of Monte Cristo.  The arc that Edmond Dantès’ life take is quite Mulder-esque.  And of course, Harry Potter, I’m a sucker for a character fighting against overwhelming odds.

On TV, Sam Beckett from Quantum Leap.  That was an amazingly well-crafted series, also featuring a female show runner, Deborah Pratt.  I love the character of Raymond Reddington on The Blacklist, there is something about a completely unapologetic bad guy. I would have once said Dean and Sam Winchester, but sadly that turned into a case of staying too long at the fair and I stopped watching a couple seasons ago - But the early seasons rocked. Literally every single character in M*A*S*H was golden, and they knew when to call it quits. Thomas Magnum from the original Magnum PI. (People my age will still remember the “Did you see the Sun Rise, Ivan” episode!)

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

Oddly enough, a few weeks before you reached out to me, I watched the X-Files movie again. I remembered the incredible excitement when it came out. Fox did this tour across the county; it was like a mini-con. But I remember they had the trailer on a loop and my friends and I sat through it so many times we could recite the entire thing by heart. TV shows, such as Star Trek, had made the leap to movie, but I don’t believe a TV show had ever made the leap to films while the show was still on TV. But damn, it was good.

I watched the two recent XF mini-series. They did much to revive the old feeling, especially the episodes by Darin Morgan, who is a national treasure. And it was wonderful to see David, Gillian and Mitch. I’m sorry there won’t be more.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I haven’t in quite a while. Mostly because real life has interfered (work, personal stuff, Covid) over this last year and I have trouble concentrating. But I would certainly return to it, you need the escape of a good story.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

Oh yes! But they were all from the time I was writing. Lydia Bower, DashaK, BlueSwirl, XFBandit, Paula Graves, Taverl, Prufrock’s Love, and dozens of other are still on my PC.

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

Like children, they each have their virtues but some may be harder to love than others. While I love a good smutty MSR, I was also a big fan of conflict resolution. So, I’m going to cheat and split the baby here. Based on feedback, I’d have to day my most popular story was Regular People and its sequel. And I really enjoyed writing that. It’s simple, it’s sweet, it’s what I hope for Mulder and Scully. The chance to just BE, if only for a while.

I wanted to try a slash story, so Wind River. That story was inspired by the murder of Matthew Shepard. I have dear friends in the gay community and I was so angry that this could happen in this country, so that one was about the need to treat people compassionately and who better to do that than Mulder and Scully.

But in truth, my own favorite is one that didn’t get much attention, called Rock Bottom. I wanted to explore that the fact Mulder and Scully, were, on occasion, just truly awful to each other and yet still reason to come back together.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

I have a couple unfinished stories. There’s one from Quantum Leap, I want to finish first and when that’s done, I would like to finish the two X-Files that are half-baked.

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

I do legal writing as a profession now, so I write all day long, but analyzing a case or a legal matter is not the same creatively and I do miss that, so I see returning someday, you need to feed your soul.

Where do you get ideas for stories?

Well that’s all over the place, much like my mind! Often I was inspired by something I thought was unaddressed in the episodes. That’s where the Just One series came from. Or it’s a Rosencrantz and Guildenstern kind of thing -- That is, what’s happening off screen while the main action is going on. I find that intriguing, and that’s where Risking Everything came from. The incident in By Coincidence actually happened to a friend of a friend and I thought it would make good fodder. Pentimento came to me following a lecture I attended at a gallery, what happens when you peel back the layers you thought were true. You never know what’s going to connect.

What's the story behind your pen name?

“Chimerical” means existing  as the product of unchecked imagination, given to unrealistic flights of fantasy- which seemed right for a fiction writer, especially for XF. In the early days, it became the phonetic “KiMeriKal” when I was on the old AOL service simply because Chimerical wasn’t available as a screen name! But I’m finally Chimerical1975@gmail.com!

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

Yes, my friends are aware, some of them have been my betas over the years. My brother knows I write, but I don’t think he’s ever read anything because he would find the smut elements uncomfortable coming from his little sister!

Is there a place online (Tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

The most recent versions of my stories are at AO3. If I ever get around to anything new it will be posted there as well.

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

Thanks for reading, thanks for remembering me, and it was a great time in my life. Fandoms are great communities as long as we can always remember there’s a human being at the other end of the keyboard.  Be kind, be compassionate, and never stop imagining the possibilities.

(Posted by Lilydale on February 23, 2021)