#what is executive dysfunction do I get to say that
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heh. 2024 more like. stupi
@ardenrosegarden sent me this yahoo! thanks arden
it’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought to the world in 2024. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!
anudda classic! 🤣
1. x febuary
2. x march
3. x may
4. x may
5. x june
(don't know why the preview isn't moving on my desktop the image to the left above should be moving! click on it)
I've posted art that I put more effort into but I feel like these ones more still. they look nice all together. I think it's because all of these were actually for myself first before I thought of sharing.
Haven't been doing that much creatively recently and like done no drawing in my off time I miss posting cause it was uh, pretty frickin epic 🤣but it's surprisingly hard to draw for clout I feel like I'm dragging my brains across concrete thinking about it. I'm not interested in anything at all right now either so feeling pretty mindless but whateva heh cool hwhip
happy new year 🎉
#look at my history whoops all bunker wow#I don't feel like tagging anybody but if you wanna do this go crazy#In the case of the rabbits I still intend on Physically sharing them but I haven't prepared them to be posted to the mail yet#what is executive dysfunction do I get to say that#lol#here's to feeling motivated
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isn't it weird how if you get up at 7 or 8, do your work all day, then have free time and go to bed at 11 that's absolutely fine
but if i said i get up at 10, do fun stuff in the morning then work in the evening and go to bed late, i could be called lazy, nevermind that i'm getting just as much or MORE work done as i would in a traditional work day
#ramble#idk if this is a me problem or not#i've tried to do the early rise early bed thing again and again and it just does not work for me doing freelance right now#maybe it's bc i used to work at a bar so i'm more comfortable being active in the evening#i love working at night because there's less going on to distract me#what used to happen is i would get up early then fight executive dysfunction all day saying i couldn't do fun stuff until i did my work#then my will to work would hit at 10pm and i'd be up till 2am anyway#right now my routine is waking up later and playing a game or knitting for an hour or so and then working in the afternoon and evening#something something capitalism and 9-5 and adhd don't go together#this sounds like i'm just making excuses but it works and i'm actually getting shit done and sleeping enough so i don't see the problem#i just figured i'm probably going to sit and do nothing for a few hours in the morning anyway so i might as well give myself permission to
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unmedicated adhd will have you scrolling through the same posts on your dash for the third time, asking yourself How Do I Leave the House, hoping the answer somehow appears in the posts
#guys. how do you leave the house xdddd asking for a friend#what am i waiting for. why am i still here writing this fucking post instead of just getting up. and going#i need to get some groceries 😭#god this sounds so stupid I WISH I WAS JOKING#i love a brain that works.#btw i did 5/7 tasks#so success!!#now im hungry but GUESS WHAT.#ughhhh#niki.rambles#okay. heres the deal. i post this and IMMEDIATELY get up.#i need this on the record because otherwise we'll just pretend i didnt say that#okay lets go#this is therapy. self therapy or whatever#oh my god i need to shut up#IM JUST FULLY LAUGHING AT THIS POINT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME JKGJKJKHJ#hovering over the post button overthinking like hmm shouldnt i add something. do i have more to say maybe i have more to say. maybe i shoul#ramble some more. maybe theres more thoughts- GIRL JUST STOP. STOP AND GO JFC#great glimpse into my stream of consciousness#executive dysfunction at its finest#i need to launch myself into the sun
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the shadowvanilla post has broken 1k notes.
i think i get to retire now. i think thats what that means right
#jibber jabber#not tickles#/j y'all think you can get rid of my ass? no#i am a curse upon you#you will not be rid of me until the day i shuffle off the mortal coil and even that is debatable#in seriousness though. what the fuck#uhhh i Plan a sequel to it. for those who are inch rested.#but you know how i am with saying im gonna do things#<- executive dysfunction haver#no promises. but its on my mind 24/7. we shall see.
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Love when I tell myself "ok, time to respond to this message/dm", but then I look at it and begin internally screaming instead
Why am I like this
#executive dysfunction go brrr#it's not like I don't know what to say either - I just cannot make myself do it#this is why my doctor just upped my dosage again and reminded me to seek counselling#I'm a neurotic little mess and can't get my shit together#anyway I've been doing this on and off for the last hour or so
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attention spans dont real lmao. nothing about the condition or support needs of yr adhd can be measured by measuring yr attention span because the nature of adhd is that attention span is incredibly variable. this is bc adhd is characterized by dopamine seeking behavior and not just a timer until we get bored and go on our phones
#attention span is also variable regardless of the perceived value of the activity#im sure i could pay attention longer scrolling tumblr than in a class. and in that scenario the class would be more valuable to me#but i also concentrate better on swimming (intense exercise) than busywork in school (serves no purpose to me)#thats to say that we arent stereotypical defiant kids who dont want to do anything but play video games#the internal experience of adhd is needing a higher level of motivation and satisfaction to initiate difficult tasks#so mundane things are almost always harder than for someone who doesnt have executive function#ill put it really bluntly. yes more so than usual. take cover#adhd isnt tiktok brain. some of us lose jobs over this shit. some of us cut ourselves over this shit. some of us cannot function.#it is not and will never be a 'man up and get off instagram reels' disorder. it will exist no matter what i do. adhd is part of me#and on many things the world needs to make concessions to us. sorry!#it may not seem like much from an outsiders perspective to 'build back yr attention span'#but when im constantly fucking up and constantly reminded of how my executive dysfunction + lack of focus hurt me#its kind of weird to think that building back my attention span hasnt occurred to me#dont remember who said this but if you dont feel the wind its blowing in yr direction#(this is not a rebuttal to a popular post this is my addition to the discourse about adhd surrounding it)
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Nothing pisses me off more than when people talk about my friendships with mid-support needs autistics and other people with differently-wired brains as if I am descending to help them because I’ve taken them on as a charity case. That is NOT true. Oh they’re a burden because they’re neurodivergent? WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT: SO AM I! THE REASON I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS WITH SO MUCH SHIT WRONG WITH THEM IS BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF SHIT WRONG WITH ME. WE ATTRACT EACH OTHER! WE LIKE EACH OTHER! IT’S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD TO UNDERSTAND!
#How about I just start strangling ableists from now on?#Would THAT convince them I’m actually this person’s real friend?#Literally nothing I say to them is able to get through their dense fucking skulls—#as if it’s sooooo hard for them to believe I actually enjoy their company#Also (halfway unrelated): if I hear “It takes a special person to work with special children” one more time I am going to SCREAM#Tell me I’m calm; tell me I’m patient; tell me I’m creative— do NOT tell me I’m “special” for doing a job I LOVE#Can you imagine telling a quantum physics major “It takes a special person to solve special math problems?”#😂💀 WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I’m gonna start saying that to people from other professions. To see how they like it.#The children are not a burden to me; the children are very enjoyable to be around#and I enjoy troubleshooting what is preventing them from learning and coming up with workarounds for them#I made a glued roll of paper for a kid who constantly peels their skin because I saw them peeling crayons#It works!#I made math problems into a Skibidi Toilet role playing game for another kid who hides under tables when it’s time to work. It works!#You know why I was able to come up with either of these inventions? Huh? You wanna fucking know?#1.) I peel my lips and mouth and palms of my hands and calluses and cuticles and scabs; and#2.) I have awful executive dysfunction and have to do weird stuff to engage myself#People talk to me like I’m one of the “normal” ones; little do they know I’m getting assessed for ADHD and score 142 on the RAADS-R#and I essentially self-destruct when I get mad so I don’t break valuable items or punch through drywall and oak doors#I give myself bruises that swell a half inch high and form hematomas under the skin#I think I’ve permanently weakened the blood vessels and a vein in my right thigh from beating it so much#because it only takes one well-placed blow on my right; but several blows to my left#And I can see the bruise pooling towards my heart along the path of that vein from day to day after the initial beating#and sometimes it just randomly aches when it’s not injured; so I have to shift my weight when the kids sit in my lap wrong#so with that and something else I did to it not super recently that I should have gone to urgent care for… I probably have nerve damage lol#so it’s gross when people say such things about other NDs to me as if I am above them#Just fuck off already
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Vyvanse is such a silly little drug. I get up at 11, take it at noon, what's a normal sleep phase I don't know her.
The first hour passes and I'm like "dude nothings happening except me getting sweaty and my heart's going a bit faster" and then I blink and it's another 2 hours later and I've just blitzed doing every chore available to me, organized all my shit for the day, read through 500 tumblr posts, watched some random-ass YouTube clips, and made myself food I don't want to eat because my appetite is suppressed but I know food consumption is a task. It's like all of my ADHD bullshit for the entire day happens at light speed over a few hours.
Then I sit down and can do The Big Task of the day for 5 hours or more and, unlike with a hyperfocus, can remain focused on it even after taking breaks to go do other stuff.
Then the end of the day hits and I'm tired and need to go to sleep but I still feel the Productivity Need so for some reason I watch 50 more "Educational" YouTube videos until it subsides and then finally fall asleep at 2am.
Like. Does it cure my ADHD? Absolutely not. Does it make me less chaotic? No. But does it allow me to consistently channel my ADHD energy productively? Oh, yeah. I'm not 100% sure that's what my doctors were going for when they prescribed it, but I gotta be honest I kinda love it.
#not video games#late nights with ali#nd blogging#actuallyADHD#I'm pretty sure my docs were intending for a bit more... how you say... stability?#but a lot of my ADHD traits don't go away. just the most important one- activation-based executive dysfunction#And honestly without that I think I like the way I function with the rest? usually anyway#If I'm in control of it. I love my hyperfocus. I love my bouncing around chaotically. I love being impulsively spontaneous#don't get me wrong. there are days where I do hate my adhd. when the emotional regulation problems kick in it's hell.#rejection sensitive dysphoria is a bitch. I can forget self care in lieu of 'more important' things. my working memory can fuck me over.#but in comparison to how I lived before medication? it's amazing. and I've learned to be fond of aspects of my disorder#and to live with the ones that are inconvenient. it's so nice honestly#I could do without the sweating and appetite suppression. but it is SO worth it to like my own mind again.#before I was diagnosed I knew I had it. so my only options were self medicating with caffiene and developing an anxiety disorder.#the thing that bypasses the dopamine-based activation is adrenaline-based activation#so I literally just. got so anxious about stuff I needed to do that it would trigger the adrenaline activation where dopamine failed me#I don't think I actually 100% KNEW that's what I was doing per se. but I do think some of my anxiety came from intentional doom spiralling#anyway moral of the story. Vyvanse helps with ADHD is some truly strange ways but at the end of the day it's a fucking miracle#New River Pharmaceuticals developers of lisdexamfetamine I am kissing you on the mouth
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please help I want to play zero escape so bad and I reached the yellow submarine ending BUT I CAN’T BRING MYSELF TO KEEP PLAYING even tho I want to SO BAD I feel so shit but I wanna play SO BAD HELP
ANON IS JUST GONNA LEAVE IT OFF AT THE POINT EVERYONE DIED OMG 😭
#KAHSKAAJ IDK how to help 😭😭😭#like. you could try not getting them killed that's the best I got but like#I mean I don't know if you mean it in an executive dysfunction kind of way or a lost interest kind of way but if it is the latter then#then I mean if the mystery isn't compelling you by this point idk what more to say fr 😭#if it's the former I really am not the person who can help out with that executive dysfunction is a bitch and makes us feel like shit true#do you have the fucking tag muted this is not a spoiler-free blog for ze I really need more information to help with this one chief 😭
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i feel like it's such a cruel joke from God that everything that makes me better also makes me feel worse.
#the attitude of 'no one else will do it if not you' along with 'you need to put in more than the bare min. because--#--this bare minimum does not make an effect on people tf is this'#was things i started thinking to motivate myself to draw more than headshots all the time & actually start putting the ideas i had onto--#paper and at least trying to tell my stories in anything more than a meaningless ramble#(i still ramble sometimes but i at least try to think of how to do it now)#and it worked#and im doing actual things now#but now this same logic is hurtful because it pushes me to make more&more&more#just to get my ideas out there#bcs just saying the idea out loud isnt enough. people will not be interested in just listening to that#i need to like make a drawing or something#and theres so many ideas and i cant make something for all of them but IM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO THAT.#im the only one. and i should be the only one because getting someone else to do so is 1. not possible 2. shameful.#like oooohhh can you make this idea i had real because i cant. jesus christ id rather fall into the ground.#please dont internalize this btw. this isnt a good attitude to have. not at all!!#but now im stuck in this hell because its the only way i get to keep going#the only way im capable of doing anything and being productive is by forcing myself to do so. by pulling myself up by strings#and beating myself up into what i want to do#i will not do it if i wont force myself to.#...does this classify as executive dysfunction?#i never thought it did but#now that i phrased it that way#god i wish i had the balls to ask my parents for therapy#BY THE WAY TO CLARIFY#'DOING THINGS'? IN THIS CONTEXT?#MEANS LIKE. MAKING SHITPOSTS.#SOMETIMES MAKING COMICS OR WRITING A ONE SHOT BUT I STILL STRUGGLE WITH THAT TO THIS DAY.#IT WAS MOSTLY LITERALLY DRAWING A DOODLE COMIC INSTEAD OF WRITING SOMETHING IN A DIALOGUE FORM#BECAUSE DIALOGUES DIDNT CHANNEL WHAT I WANTED TO SHOW RIGHT AND SHITPOST COMICS MADE IT MORE INTERESTING TOO.#oh yeah and theres a thing to be said about how so much for this if not all is just so that other people would look at it.
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in a bad mood for multiple unrelated reasons :thumbsup:
#dooooooo i vent in the tags#yk what why shouldnt i#ok so. for one my executives have been dysfunctioning since monday and i think rn is the event horizon of 'oh my god if u dont work now'#and you know what ive been doing instead of working? watching a 24hr stream of armored core 6#so thats like. whatever#its the whole too depressed to do anything so you kinda vegetate which lowers ur energy even further and worsens your mood#but then a friend wanted to get my advice on like. relationship troubles hes having#and i just . was not able to connect at all. and it's like man sometimes im not even sure if i have emotions lmao#like i pride myself on Being In A Better Place Than I Was In Highschool#(like. im not considering jumping out the window every other morning)#but like. sometimes it feels like i just dont like#like other people have these rich experiences and deep loves and all this stuff and im never gonna get it#it'd be nice to be loved or be in a relationship but really like#my biggest fear is just. im in a relationship and something bad happens to my partner#and i realize i dont care#idk theres like a lot swirling in my brain#i just want to be like...#i think writing this out has actually made it worse lmao#god forbid if someones reading this please dont reach out to me abt it i do not want to talk abt it#no matter how much other people say they care abt me it never seems real anyways so like cool#god i was doing so well before going back to college and im stupid enough to actually fucking like school#i just like.#whatever#like being alive really hurts right now#i cant really put a bow on that
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my brain cells trying to think of an argument that would get me to finally post those TWO complete fics sitting in my drive that maybe need a few minor edits but are otherwise READY TO POST
#listen….. nothing I post has been showing up in the tags lately#and even the stuff that does gets little to no interaction outside of the treasured circle of mutuals#and yes that’s mostly who I write for anyway#but I just am no longer getting the dopamine from sharing my work#which is such a whiny thing to say but it’s TRUE#every platform on the internet feels like an abandoned mall these days#and not even a cool one where you can make a pact with a minor demon in a hot topic and get a cool sword from it#just like a regular abandoned mall#anyway I’m trying not to do it for the Validation and instead for my own enjoyment#but like I want other people to enjoy it too#anyway some of it is that some of it is pure undeniable executive dysfunction#tbd maybe#i just love this gif so much I think about it all the time#I don’t know what show it’s from so I couldn’t find it on google earlier but I knew tumblr would have it#bird talks
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Boisvert _boisvert GIFfrom Boisvert GIFs
this gif gets more and more relatable every day oh my goodness
#executive dysfunction moment#legit worried because it just keeps getting worse#i feel like theres something going on that must be causeing it but i have no idea what and im worried its something thatll get really serio#carbon monoxide poisoning? prodromal phase schizophrenia?“i should look into those things” i say#gets added to my never ending list of stuff i dont end up doing#vent
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- 🍙 anon
:>
#Trying to do some schoolwork rn but I keep distracting myself by searching up symptoms of executive dysfunction#And then proceed to think “maybe that’s what I have cuz it says it’s not synonymous with ADHD” but then I#Remembered I like daydream a lot and my mind wanders when people talk and etc#And idk this past month or month and a half I’m slowly descending into the knowledge that even if I do have adhd I may not ever get#The opportunity to try and test for it cuz it’s expensive and what if it’s all for nothing even though my brother has adhd and my other#Brother was diagnosed with ADD back when it was a thing and it feels like every week I’m discovering a knew symptom I have and I’m losing#My marbles but the fact I knew how many I had by NUMBER means I know exactly how many I’m losing which makes it even more maddening#And I’m so sorry for the rant#I’m emotionally okay. I promise 😭#I just haven’t brought this stuff up to you before#Probably because I’m afraid of getting online diagnosed by my friends#But at the same time it’d be so hilarious if the ONE person who was neurotypical in our friend group turned out to be neurodivergent too#But I also feel like I’m stepping into your guys’ territory because what if I just feel like a fake. What if what I’m feeling is just me#Having a terrible neurotypical brain that just hates me#And then I know that my procrastination and me feeling like I can’t get started on a task is actually because I’m not trying hard enough#Not because of a neurodevelopmental disorder#Sorry that was a lot#I’m just feeling slightly stressed because I want to get some schoolwork done#But recently I’ve been struggling trying to get started on it#Most of the time I’m okay (when it’s outside of stuff I want to do)#Anyways how have you been? 😅
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so. the new adhd med now that i am on a normal starting dose and actually feeling it at all. it doesn't quite feel like i have adhd^2 like the other one did. like that one felt not dissimilar to a manic episode. was not great. THIS one though is like........i still feel like i have a lot of thoughts and a lot to say and gotta GO. but i also am finding it easier to stop or start or change directions. basically...........what if i was just a chatter the whole time but my brain was too fucked...............
#still unsure.#its possible its both as well......#as it turns out. its easier to just. say shit. when you can keep a singular line of thought for more than 2 seconds!#normally i can say like. one or two sentences and then i forget what i was talking about......text is obv different bc i can reread#but idk. idk how much me having more to say and not being able to shut up is. med. and how much is. i can actually keep a train of thought.#anyway sorry i'm sure i'll get used to it and not be. quite so rambly.#most important thing: DEFINITELY has helped my executive dysfunction. at least a little.#still haven't been....great. at doing things i want to do (esp creatively)#but its been much easier to go.#i have to take out the trash now. and then. just. do that...?#i just so far am not good at . stopping “talking”. and i haven't actually had quite the energy for trying to read or write like i want to..#its def. fucking with my sleep a bit. feel like i'm sleeping heavier but also WAY less. which isn't great#i do feel actually almost like a living person when i wake up now though. very strange. (its a before bed long release stimulant!)#doesn't last LONG mind you before the brain fog and exhaustion start to creep in#but its. better. i think. overall. just weird.#also also though like. i am probably still adjusting to it somewhat.#i get the feeling that it'll normalize. its only been like... a week and a half..?
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can anyone tell me more about the coin system for resistbot?
#nowhere on the site does it say what coins *cost* unless you link your account i guess?#but i don't link things unless i know what the costs are going in?#like i can just keep donating separately but i want to know if it's worth it to connect my phone#is going premium worth it vs paying for coins on their own and HOW MUCH do coins cost?#i am not big on subscribing to things that don't put the 'costs' up front and ask for my contacts before sharing info#if you can buy coins then there should be a flat rate listed up front#also does a premium account get you coins or do you still have to pay to get your 'double coin' rate?#every time i use the bot i think how i should just sign up but then i get bogged down trying to find answers#and give up and just use the 'free' service#phone calls are free but it turns out at excessive mental cost for my executive dysfunction i'm just too frazzled this time of year#and like saying you won't take paypal is fair i am not sure where you're storing my cc info and i prefer that extra control
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