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thebibliomancer · 3 years

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Essential Avengers: Avengers #257: Holocaust in a Hidden Land!

July, 1985

TERMINUS!

You sure said it, cover text!

Although Terminus is looking a lot more banana yellow than he did last time.

And last time he was stomping around the Savage Land, not in the snow.

Hmm.

But speaking of last time, last time on Avengers: the team is in that post-Vision tried to take over the world state. Captain Marvel is still missing on her space errand. Black Knight has joined. And the Avengers have been asked by the government to investigate Operation Big Stick doing a runner. This leads them to follow Terminus to the Savage Land, where we’ll pick up.

Ka-Zar and his pet sabretooth Zabu were escorting a scientific expedition to the Savage Land when Terminus showed up and started stomping around.

The issue picks up with him lying face down on the ground as Zabu tries to wake him by kicking water in his face.

You’ll seldom find a more loyal pet than a sabretooth.

But Ka-Zar does wake up to find Captain America and the Avengers standing over him.

The Avengers tell Not Tarzan Ka-Zar that they’re looking for Terminus but he’s like let me stop you there, I know the jerk.

Ka-Zar: “I was guiding a scientific study group when he showed himself. He looked to be about 150 feet tall... and every inch, pure meanness!”

The third-person person.

This time I can’t help but read it in the Miette tone.

“You run from Terminus? You flee from him like the monster? Oh oh! Stomps for Ka-Zar! Stomps for Ka-Zar for One Thousand Years!”

Anyway, memes aside.

Ka-Zar tried to evacuate the scientists but he only gets fifty feet before Terminus blasts them with his Big Stick, sending Ka-Zar flying.

He managed to stay conscious long enough to see Terminus start blasting apart the landscape until he finds some gizmo in the lake. He tucks the gizmo into his belt and strolls off.

Ka-Zar is discourage at being knocked silly as a “jungle lord” and more so when he learns that all the scientists he was protected were killed when Terminus blasted the group.

He wants to run off half-cocked after Terminus because he’s a threat to everyone in the Savage Land, including Ka-Zar’s wife, but Cap tells him specifically not to. So he doesn’t.

Wow. Some Avengers could learn restraint like that.

Plus, Starfox is already flying ahead to track Terminus.

Starfox: “For decades, in my travels among the stars, I have heard rumors of this world-pillaging creature -- but I never dreamt that he could so easily cause such widespread destruction! His villainy may rival that of my mad brother, Thanos!”

Awwwww, it really doesn’t.

It’s nice that you’re trying to hype him up but no.

As a friend described Terminus, he’s a budget Galactus for if you need an evil Galactus because Galactus is supposedly beyond morality.

Thor disagrees but that’s not for some decades.

Anyway, over in Not-Tarzan’s Not-Tarzan’s treehouse, Shanna the She-Devil, aka Mrs Ka-Zar, is thinking about how hot she is even in early pregnancy when Terminus ambles on by and steps on the house.

Reminds me of something.

Also, I think Shanna may be the first woman to swear in Avengers.

But she is a She-Devil and Terminus stepping on you warrants that.

Luckily, Shanna manages to jump out of the house as its collapsing to the ground. Unluckily, she can’t fly. Her superpowers are limited to ‘looks good in cheetah print’ and ‘will knife you, fuck around and find out.’ Luckily, Starfox was following Terminus so he’s in the area, grabs Shanna mid-fall, dumps her to safety on the ground and goes “No time to explain now. I’ve a giant to stop!” and flies off leaving Shanna very confused.

She’s been living in the Antarctican jungle, she is absolutely not up to date on who is Avenging these days.

Starfox tries to open a dialogue with Terminus.

I’m not sure what he would even say. “Please do not destroy the things?”

But although Wasp makes buzzing around someone’s face to distract and annoy them look easy, its a finely honed skill and Starfox isn’t as good as her.

Terminus just swats him away.

He’s got more important fish to fry because his Terminus senses indicate that there’s cool loot beyond some cliffs.

The cliffs are taller than him but that’s fine because Operation Big Stick is the great equalizer. He blasts those cliffs down so he can get into the OTHER tropical jungle hidden in Antarctica.

MEANWHILE, millions of light years away, in another galaxy, a cruiser zooms toward the Sanctuary II.

Inside the Sanctuary II, Skunge and Kehl escort Monica “Captain Marvel“ Rambeau to where Levan is quietly lamenting Nebula being so punctual.

Monica is trying a new tack here. She’s going to pretend to be intrigued about joining a mercenary band that kidnapped her.

Captain Marvel: “I want to know a lot more before I sign on any dotted line, Levan! And I suggest you keep your hands to yourself... if you want to keep them at all!”

Levan: “Ha! You have spirit, Marvel -- I like that in a woman!”

Nebula: “Is that so, Levan?”

Ooooooooooo, Levan’s in troooouble.

Also, hi Nebula! You’re a lot different from the MCU Nebula!

For one, less sympathetic. And more hair.

But she still somehow looks in a way that I can’t describe like she’s played by Karen Gillan.

Gunthar the Rigellian tells Nebula that Monica calls herself Captain Marvel, which Nebula says is as impressive. She’s probably heard of Mar-Vell. And she’s heard that Monica’s abilities are as impressive as the title she’s taken.

Which she proves by immediately shooting a laser at Monica to see whether her powers are still gone from hyperspace or not.

Nebula: “Very clever, Captain, keeping the return of your powers a secret. But then, such caution should be expected from an Avenger, no?”

Monica realizes that Nebula is obviously way smarter than her underlings, who she now realizes are underlings, and calls them underlings when she says that she’s more interested in the offer now that she knows who’s really in charge.

Nebula: “Tell me, Captain... Why would you want to join us?”

Captain Marvel: “I don’t have many options, do I? I can’t return to Earth without your help. Besides, I get bored easily -- I might not even want to go home, if I find your operation here interesting enough!”

Nebula: “Interesting? Oh, I should think so! You see, I’m consolidating forces that are going to conquer what is left of the Skrull Empire!”

Oh? What stage of deterioration are they in at this point?

They had a long decline before they popped back up as a cosmic power with no explanation because Status Quo.

Galactus ate their homeworld. And then the unclear line of succession led to the empire factioning into I think five or so pretty big splinters who were more concerned with civil warring each other than defending themselves from outside threat. So it was pretty convenient that the Kree had a massive crisis themselves when Silver Surfer accidentally on purpose lobotomized the Supreme Intelligence and a secret Skrull was left the highest ranked Kree.

Then the Annihilation Wave steamrolled what was left of the empire chunks. And then the attempt at Secret Invading Earth lost them most of the rest of their warriors and infiltrators. Their population actually dipped into danger levels and some jerk tried to turn Dire Wraiths into Skrulls to shore up the numbers.

And then the Skrulls were a massive empire again.

I think we’re in the five or so chunks warring on each other stage of things.

And honestly, its the Skrulls. Who gives a shit if Nebula conquers them. That’s what happens to empires what fall to pieces.

Ask Rome and Rome II Byzantine Boogaloo.

Anyway. Back at the Savage Land, the Avengers and Lord NotTarzan Ka-Zar get to his tree house and find it in shambles.

He doesn’t have much time to fret about what happened to his wife when Shanna walks into the clearing supporting Starfox after he got slapped silly by Terminus.

Or as she puts it, repaying the favor of him saving her earlier.

Shanna, the She-Devil: “I wish I’d known you were bringing company home... the place is a mess!”

Ka-Zar: “I was worried sick about you! How can you joke at a time like this?”

Shanna, the She-Devil: “It’s easy when you’re scared silly! Did you know a giant stepped on our house?!”

Ha. Cute couple.

Then, based on Starfox’s ineffectual attempt at stopping Terminus, Shanna hopes the Avengers have something better up their sleeves, because Terminus was headed in the direction of Pangea.

Not THE Pangaea, obviously. Its missing an a. But the confusingly named Ancient Atlantean vacation hotspot.

The Savage Land got very expanded in the Ka-Zar the Savage series which ended about a year before this issue of Avengers.

Helpfully, Ka-Zar draws a map of Pangea and the Savage Land in the dirt with his knife.

So, Pangea is six or seven times the size of the Savage Land and has various types of sapient races and cities there, as if it was the setting of a location hopping adventure.

Just like the Savage Land, Pangea has environment control machinery buried throughout which plus natural geothermals is how it stays so warm in the middle of Antarctica.

Environment control machinery placed by -Aliens gesture- aliens.

Ka-Zar insists on going with the Avengers for surely his ability to look good without a shirt will come in handy. And then Shanna insists on coming too which Ka-Zar objects to.

Hah, the adult puts her foot down.

I do joke about Ka-Zar having basically the power of a handsome man who doesn’t wear much but in the Jason Aaron Avengers/Agents of Wakanda era, aka the most recent one as of this post, Ka-Zar can apparently hold his breath for hours since he infiltrated Atlantis without any gear.

Meanwhile, Terminus walks through the closest Pangea city Lemura.

Or more accurately, steps on it.

He’s tall.

Terminus is let down by Lemura and this immediate area. Unlike that cool celestial artifact he fished out of a lake earlier, there’s just the climate control equipment buried underground. Which he dismisses as “elementary.”

Super advanced by Earth standards, garbage trash by Terminus’.

In a fit of pique at the waste of time, he zaps Lemura and surrounding environs with his Big Stick, killing everyone.

This feels pretty bad.

I know that these locations probably got thoroughly explored in Ka-Zar the Savage the Comic but they’re appearing for the first time in Avengers just to be destroyed.

And the bad feelings keep on rolling.

Terminus next arrives at the Aerie Shalan, home to some bird people.

He doesn’t even directly kill them.

Terminus is so hot from blasting Lemura that it creates an enormous atomic steam cloud as he wades through the Gorahn Sea. The steam cloud precedes him and incinerates all of the bird people as they try to evacuate. Melts their city too.

Feels bad, man. Redux.

The giant steam cloud also causes the Avengers some trouble. The air currents it creates makes steady flying difficult and when they dive into the steam to find Terminus, the hull temperature spikes and they can’t stay in it long.

Like some merciless, wrathful god of old, he stands triumphant in the very center of Pangea, a land once green and vital... a land now in its death-throes!

Aw. You broke it, Terminus.

After pulling back above the superheated zone, the Avengers find a cooler spot immediately around Terminus “like the eye of a hurricane.”

Convenient for the end result of fighting a giant space jerk man. If he were too hot to approach, it’d limit the Avengers’ options significantly.

Wasp suggests that they need to get Terminus’ Big Stick away from him and Black Knight decides that This Looks Like a Job for Black Knight!

Or more specifically, he thinks “doing that could prove fatal, Jan... but we don’t all have to die!” and ejects himself from the Quinjet.

I wonder if Black Knight has a death wish. Because ‘let me go and be the one to make a likely sacrificial strike on Terminus by myself with no backup!’ isn’t the healthiest thought.

And apparently, Black Knight can survive being ejected from a Quinjet with no parachute by “desperately twisting about in midair.” He lands on Terminus’ arm with no ill effects from plummeting untold feet from the air to land on a metal arm.

Black Knight: “Made it! Now, if I can make Terminus drop his lance -- the others will have a real chance to stop him! This armor of his looks tough enough to slam through a planet... but I’ve yet to see a metal that could resist my sword!”

Terminus: -entire arm flies off-

Black Knight: “Wha -- ?! His whole hand’s falling away?!? Don’t tell me Terminus is just some big robot!”

Sooo the Ebony Sword cuts through metal better than it does meat? Huh.

Terminus: “NO! Y-y-you... how dare you assault my person this way?!?”

And he flails his arm in insulted injury, sending Black Knight flying.

I don’t know if this would actually prove a problem to Black Knight after he plummeted from mmblemmble high in the air to land on metal but I suppose if he flew into the superheated steam, he’d be cooked inside his armor. That’d kill him where fall damage couldn’t.

But the Quinjet flies by and Hercules snags him from the window.

The sudden neckbreak change in direction also doesn’t kill Black Knight. Maybe he’s magic.

But Terminus swats the Quinjet out of the air and it KTUNG and RRRUNKs to a stop on the blasted landscape.

The Avengers run forth from the Quinjet with a cry of AVENGERS ATTACK from Hercules because huddling near the Quinjet makes them too easy a target for Terminus.

The charge is interrupted by some seismic activity and sudden snowstorms.

Because Terminus has done so much damage that the environmental control technology has been wrecked and the snowy, snowy Antarctican climate is reclaiming Pangea.

The Avengers were having to maneuver around an area of too hot but now its too cold for most of them and only Starfox and Hercules are left to fight Terminus.

So Starfox grabs Hercules and yeets him at Terminus.

He doesn’t call it a Fastball Special because he is from space and doesn’t know our earthly ways.

Hercules strikes the armor right under Terminus’ chin, piercing it with his god hand, and then slides down tearing open the armor as he goes.

Revealing Terminus’ True Form (except not, I’ll talk about it later).

Pretty easy to fight him once they actually started.

Terminus: “... Don’t look at me that way! I am the great Destroyer! ... I am to be feared! You must fear me... you must!”

Actually, Hercules mustn’t. Starfox comes calling for Hercules, hardly able to see him through the sudden blizzard winds and Hercules just says “Terminus... is no longer a threat!”

Then he walks off after Starfox to go help the other Avengers get to shelter, leaving Terminus behind to die in the blizzard he created.

Something something won’t kill you something something don’t have to save you?

And that’s Terminus, except not.

For reasons unclear to me, this Terminus was later retconned not to be Terminus but a Deviant named Jorro that Terminus convinced he was Terminus. Jorro built an armored suit resembling Terminus’ and went and retrieved his Big Stick.

Thus presumably explaining why he went down like a chump.

While big imposing planet ravaging dude is actually a shrimp in his armor is a take, Terminus got a weirder origin later about being artificial microbes that voltron together into a Terminus megazord.

So the Terminus in this Avengers two-parter isn’t Terminus, just some random imposter.

And if this two-parter actually isn’t an excuse to have the Avengers fight Terminus like Vision had hoped they’d get to, very little of this issue is left except clearing the board of concepts Marvel was done with.

Once again, Avengers is where wrap-up for other books is done.

The Ka-Zar book was cancelled so all the settings introduced for that book in Pangea get blown up. The Savage Land gets blown up because if you’re not going to have a book set there, why even have a super cool tropical jungle filled with dinosaurs?

Except the obvious??

These issues are a real bummer of shoving stuff back in the toybox. Its not even a good story on its own. Its just Terminus stomping around breaking stuff that’s probably editorially mandated to get destroyed and then the Avengers instantly wreck him the second they actually fight him.

Its just clean up.

Entirely unnecessary clean up.

You may notice that the Savage Land still exists to this day.

The High Evolutionary eventually restores it because DINOSAURS. Because yes of course the High Evolutionary would want there to be a lost world. The guy spends his free time making furries. You just know he loves dinosaurs too.

I guess the point of this ramble is that I couldn’t enjoy this issue very much because it was devoted to getting rid of a concept I rather enjoyed.

On the other hand, Black Knight ejected himself out of a jet, fell a hundred feet, and cut the arm off a giant. So its not all bad.

Follow @essential-avengers because we like dinosaurs here. And sometimes we like Black Knight too even though he’s a ridiculous, ridiculous man. Like and reblog too maybe.

#avengers #essential avengers #Terminus #except not really #the Wasp #Captain America #Black Knight #Hercules #Starfox #Captain Marvel #Monica Rambeau #Ka Zar #Shanna the She Devil #essential marvel liveblogging #this issue is a bummer

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vo-kopen · 3 years

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A what if I find hysterical as a concept (it’s probably not meant to be funny, but it acts as dark comedy for me) is one where the nuclear bombs dropped on Japan were freaking Gamma bombs. So everyone in Hiroshima and Nagasaki became Hulks, and Japan steamrolled the world with an army of Hulks.

I just find it darkly funny that in that what if the US bombing a civilian population backfired so dramatically. I have never read the what if mind you, the execution might be trash, and the description of the plot on the wiki does not excite me. Thank you @oxymitch for linking it to me. But the concept itself still amuses me.

https://marvel.fandom.com/wiki/What_If...%3F_Vol_1_71

On the more “everything freaking goes wrong,” shoutout to Earth-13410 for everything perpetually getting comically worse.

First, Charles Xavier is a British fascist in wwii and allies with the axis and the soviets. Namor is also the protector of imperial Japan so the Invaders are down a member. Their alliance conquers the world, Cap is killed, then Xavier turns on the rest of his allies and defeats them. Then freaking Atlantis comes out of nowhere with a steel chair and floods the entire freaking planet to conqueror it. Next Xavier and his surviving followers and their slaves use their giant submarine to bomb Atlantis and wipe out all Atlanteans outside of Namor. Namor hunts the sub but it looks like an island from the sky so he can’t find it while flying. Eventually a bunch of reality-jumping x-men show up and helped Namor kill Xavier, but Namor is just depressed because Japan and Atlantis are destroyed. Then the reality-jumpers bailed so I guess the reality is still empty of people outside of white supremacist fascists, an Imperial Japanese superhero, and the formers’ slaves? The wiki at least does not say what happens there after Namor decapitates Xavier.

And like I am not expert on marine biology, but flooding the whole planet will get rid of pretty much all shallows, so plants that anchor to the ocean floor will be unable to reach sunlight, it will diluting the composition of the seawater, many fish and other aquatic life are adapted for specific conditions so everything but stuff like guppies might die, it’s a bad plan Atlantis. Although there are other Atlantean settlements, so maybe Atlantis had prepared for the following unprecedented mass extinction, or had plans to remove the access water, but they got bombed and the smaller kingdoms could not survive in the new super ocean.

Look it’s ridiculous how much goes wrong in Earth-13410. I’m surprised Galactus didn’t randomly show up to eat the planet, like in that old Exiles arc on the world where Skrulls have mutants fight in gladiatorial combat.

Anyway here’s the link to the only surviving named character from that Earth.

https://marvel.fandom.com/wiki/Namor_Miyamoto_(Earth-13410)

@thefingerfuckingfemalefury Personally if I had to write a what if with fascists winning WWII*, that AU would take place decades later after the Axis had completely collapsed because of their stupidity, infighting, and fear of getting punished by the higher-ups so they pass the buck/don’t report issues.

*Which I would have to be forced to do because I hate the concept. Alternate history projects hinging on the Axis winning wwii are so cliche, bleak and often just excuses to jerk it to Nazis. What’s next, alternate history where Rome never fell? One where the soviets won the Cold War? Another where the confederacy won the American civil war? Wow, so original, I am sooooo impressed by the creativity. Those have certainly never been done to death, wow.

These are my multiverse hot takes.

#marvel #marvel comics #alternate universe #what if

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davidmann95 · 3 years

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Comics this week (5/19/2021)?

We Only Find Them When They’re Dead #6: Feels like a second book in a series that feels like a near-complete departure at first from the original volume in the best way, and the reveal about the giant we saw on the last page of the previous issue knocked my socks off.

The Many Deaths of Laila Starr #2: Hit me harder than the first issue, really well-done melancholy fairy tale stuff.

Ultramega #3: Still so dang goooood

Radian Black #4: Huh. Well color me intrigued.

Stillwater #7: Hahahahaha holy shit, of course

Daredevil #30: Breaking, Zdarsky hasn’t suddenly started to suck at writing superhero comics in the past week

Shang-Chi #1: I liked Yang and Ruan’s previous mini well enough but wasn’t blown away and might have skipped this if not for the high concept, but Yang’s already making the most of the grand tour aspect of this and I’m looking forward to where it goes.

The Mighty Valkyries #2: Not a book I have a ton to say on, it’s still pretty dang good though. Glad Gronbekk is getting opportunities off of this with that new Warhammer book, even if I’ll probably pass on that since it took a Gillen to get me onboard at all.

Fantastic Four: Life Story #1: ...this kinda stunk? It reads for all the world like Russell has a big FF vs. Galactus story he wants to tell and he’s phoning in the entire Life Story superstructure surrounding it to have an excuse to get there. There’s room for improvement in subsequent issues and I like Izaakse’s art but this is a stunning disappointment by the standards of both its predecessor and Russell’s oeuvre.

Heroes Reborn: Peter Parker The Amazing Shutterbug #1: There’s some alright storytelling here but the entire thing feels perfunctory, I’m not crushed or anything but there’s just enough potential glimmering through for me to feel let down.

Heroes Reborn #3: Hey so this issue is pretty good? Still the same flavor as my beloved Aaron Avengers trash, but the actually solidly done version of that rather than one that bypasses any good taste of mine to appeal to some kind of weird hindbrain enjoyment. Maybe the guy’s got a Flash run in him, this is the most inspired he’s felt in a hot minute.

Way of X #2: So this issue rules and the last page had me howling, but it extremely threw me when it was brought to my attention that there’s a character in here whose entire facial structure has basically been changed from a nonwhite person in her original appearance to pretty dang white. Initially flipped out Bob Quinn did this, turns out intermediate appearances between the image I saw and this changed her appearance bit-by-bit and this was just going off her most recent appearances so it’s not really his fault, it’s still not great.

The Immortal Hulk: Time of Monsters #1: Paknadel’s a name I’ve seen bandied around as a promising fresh talent for a few years who whenever I’ve encountered him usually just made me go “that was okay”, but this was damn excellent and whether it represents a level-up or a niche he fits in if he and Ferreyra took over Hulk after Ewing leaves I’d be all about it.

Catwoman #31: Still a really good run! Running out of ways to say it!

Justice League #61: There is a way that one moment could have worked but as played it’s the dopiest, tweeist kind of Bendisism. I’m gonna give this run some time to breathe because I’ve enjoyed most of his other DC work but this is starting to feel like the Bad version of Bendis we saw until recently coming back.

Superman: Red and Blue #3: Was already hoping to get the John Paul Leon cover as soon as it was solicited, especially glad now. The last two issues but this is a proper all-killer no-filler:

Holland/Braga/Sharpe: I was expecting this to be the forgettable installment of the bunch but this was a really fun little Trinity story.

Fiffe: I took a look at Copra in the past and thought it looked neat but wasn’t drawn in, revealing myself as a plebian once more. Loved this though, a fun, gorgeous adventure with an enjoyably personable take on Clark.

Thomas/Pekmezci/Sharpe: Brandon Thomas: a dude who’s been writing quite a bit of Superman lately, but still definitely isn’t writing nearly enough Superman.

Spencer/Ward/Sharpe: This pains me to admit, but even without the crutch of having Ward doing the absolutely fucking imperial work here you’d expect? Nick Spencer writes a really fun, sweet little Superman story here. Between this and that Jimmy Olsen story he did a long time ago I guess Metropolis just draws out his better instincts.

Stokoe: Stokoe doing a fun l’il Superman space adventure! What more could you ask for?

#Week's Comics #Opinion

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empyrealarc · 4 years

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What are all fifty of Ana's titles?

POV: You're slowly dying, waiting for the court announcer to finish announcing Ana'Hira's long ass list of names.

"Who approacheth the Dusklight Throne?"

"TIS SHE! Ana'Hira... Eternal Goddess of the Balance, The Insatiable, Anointed by Sin, The Great Love of Satriani, Queen of Screens, Lover of the Sweet, Wielder of the Dark Aether, Punisher of Unloved, The Grand Gullet, Commander of the Faith Eternal, Sacred of Appearance, Bringer of Void, Mother of Supreme, Verdant Divine, Parasite of the Lost Zone, Keeper of the Tiddy, Chosen of S'Byll, High Mechanic of the Ael-Cha, Streamer of the Year, Gluttony's Daughter, The Original, Equilibrium of the Unbound, Razer of the Faithless, Void-feeder, First of the New Hearts, Rider of the Nexus, Villain of Valentine's, Champion of the Cosmos, Mighty T'Naja of the Infinite Sorrow, Empress of the Deviant Skrulls, She Who Holds The Title, Grand Host Of The Heavenly Gala, Arch-Mage of Sanctuary Hold, Walker of the Burning Sea, Mold-Cast of The Many, Majestic Empress of the Asterisms Uncharted, 24/7 World Champion, Beloved of the Hex Nexus, Most Eligible Bachelorette, Terror Tummy."

"I see... an impressive host of titles, but-"

"Oh, I wasn't done, sire. Simply taking a breath. Let's see, terror tum- ah! Charter of the Never-Ending Horizon, Mistress of the Jade Light, Taker of Sucre, Tyrant to the Wise, Bearer of Enmity's Unholy Hunger, Scion of The Self, Scion of The Crown, The Pretty Good, Cutie-Pie, Keeper of the Sacred Texts, Founder of the Militant Worship, The Once & Future Bitch, Highness As If One Is Melting, Guardian of the Galaxy, Cursed with Ample Bosom, Unyielding Petty Warrior, Pogchamp, Descendant of the Warrior Queen, Cheerleader of the Gods, She Who Will Not Miss, Slayer of Simps, Burger Purger, Favoured of Deceit, Player of the Great Game, Liberator of Love, Lady Verdance, Seneschal of the Great Verdant Realm, Consumer of the Living, Herald of Galactus, Sword of the Evening Breeze, Beast-Tamer, Master of the Shelf Bra, Ace Reporter, Great Keeper of Greed, Duchess of the Frozen Throneworld, Agent Orange II: Electric Boogaloo, General of the Hot Girl Army, Apprentice of the Thotty Arts, Princess of Pettiness, Tyrant of Wendy's, Killer of the False God's Champions, Tyrant of the Tim Horton's, Green Bean, Avenger of the West Coast, Face Stealer, Eternal Warden of My Heart,... and many, many more..."

"You can call me 'Ana'! It's really annoying to list them all, I know~"

#headcanon.#I've been writing... FOR TWO HOURS #i should put this under a read more this is egregious #i definitely have some new favorites though. i might add them to the roster going forward

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adamwatchesmovies · 3 years

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Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

Is Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer better, or worse than the first film? It doesn't matter. They're neither good nor truly awful, just in that sweet spot in the middle that makes them forgettable.

Set some time after the first film, Reed Richards/Mr. Fantastic (Ioan Gruffudd) and Sue Storm/The Invisible Woman (still played by Jessica Alba, still too hot for the role) are getting ready to tie the knot. Their nuptials are put on hold when an alien called "The Silver Surfer" (voiced by Laurence Fishburne) appears on Earth and causes havoc. His appearance foreshadows the arrival of the planet devouring Galactus. Reed, Sue, Johnny (Chris Evans), and Ben (Michael Chiklis) are forced to team up with Dr. Doom (Julian McMahon) to save the world.

In some ways, this sequel is an improvement. It’s more serious and has fewer scenes that force Jessica Alba to take off her clothes (though there's still one). The threat the FF has to confront is more interesting, the plot better developed, and the character dynamics are meatier. The climax - where we get to see the special effects go into overdrive - is pretty cool. Laurence Fishburne is great as the voice of the Silver Surfer. The best part of that first movie was the duo of the Human Torch (Evans) and The Thing (Chiklis) ribbing on each other. Same thing here. They get more screen time than anyone else, proving director Tim Story and writers Don Payne and Mark Frost paid attention to what was firing on all cylinders.

When the story isn't concerned with the Silver Surfer, it suffers. A large chunk of the running time is dedicated to annoying inner team squabbles. So much, you hardly feel like they're a team or family at all. They don’t trust each other, they get hung up on petty subjects, and with the wedding of Reed and Sue (more boring than romantic, unfortunately) the movie's 92 minutes often feel like padding.

Then, there are the villains. The first is Andre Braugher as General Hager. He’s the stubbornest, worst judge of character I’ve ever seen. I get that times are tough and that Dr. Doom is willing to help save the planet, but we haven't forgotten all of his cold-blooded murders! The extent to which Hager disapproves of everything Reed Richards does, and how willing he is to give Doom slack, it’s almost as bad as letting Norman Osborn run S.H.I.E.L.D. Almost.

Next, we have Dr. Doom. Once again, he’s totally flat. Evil for the sake of being evil, and with judgment so poor he's constantly at risk of getting himself killed. Just what we want in an ultimate nemesis, right?

Finally, we have the duo of the Silver Surfer and Galactus. I don’t know whose idea it was to alter the characters from the source material so drastically but a carnivorous cloud is no substitute for a giant purple world-eating pimp. Without giving too much away, the way these two take part in the big conflict at the end is not only ridiculous, it makes no sense. The post-credit sequence doesn’t do it any favors either. It’s just flat-out bad.

Like several of the mid-2000’s superhero films, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer frequently skirts the line between mediocre and bad. It’s watchable, but nothing to write home about and unmemorable. I could smell trouble from the get-go when we see Mr. Fantastic busting out some dance moves as his clothes inexplicably stretch just as much as his limbs do. I gave it a chance. When my review inexplicably vanished, I watched the whole thing AGAIN. Now, I'm done with these movies, and thank goodness for that. (Full-screen version on DVD, August 24, 2015)

#FantasticFour:RiseoftheSilverSurfer #FantasticFour #movies #films #moviereviews #FilmReviews #MarvelMovies #MarvelFilms #TimStory #DonPayne #MarkFrost #IoanGruffudd #JessicaAlba #ChrisEvans #MichaelChiklis #JulianMcMahon #LaurenceFishburne #2007movies #2007films

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overclocksaa · 3 years

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@omuses (steve) / Steve sat down next to Tony, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. More last minute wedding stuff. He rubbed his back a little, and at feeling the tension there, paused. "Hey are... is this planning stressing you out? Do you--do you need to talk about it?"

“Is this stressing me out? Are you kidding me?” If asked before all of this, Tony would have assumed this close, in what was basically the home stretch with less than a month to go, things would get easier. That all of those ridiculous wedding-themed reality shows that were such a hot ticket item there for a while were exaggerating for ratings, because while he had attended a great many weddings in his life, he'd never actually been much of a part of one, much less planning one. And what he had, thus far, discovered was that stress was not the word he, personally, would use for it.

“I am so beyond stressed. You and I-” He gestured between them. “-Know a lot of people. And half those people hate the other half of those people. We invited Doctor Doom, Steve. I don’t care about the politics of it, he’s personally tried to kill literally three quarters of the people that are going to be there, and probably has plans to try for the rest.”

Which was just the tip of the stressor iceberg. It was kind of sad that a possible Doctor Doom attendance didn’t even rank in Tony’s top five biggest concerns, when it was competing with other things like the c-list of villainry crashing it despite his best efforts, Galactus choosing then to show up, having no mansion to come home to after the honeymoon because of guest a having beef with guest w and then having it out right there, to his absolute biggest nightmare of Steve coming to his senses and realizing what, exactly, he was doing and bouncing.

His point: “I am so stressed. We have three weeks.” He held up three fingers in demonstration, giving them a little wiggle. “Do you know the odds of something going catastrophically wrong in those three weeks? Factoring in our track record?“

Spoiler: Those odds would get you laughed out of Vegas.

#omuses #. ic asks #. earth 616 #. omuses / steve / we reached for each other and i thought of how many nights i had lain awake loving him in silence #// he has many concerns steve #// so many

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the-firebird69 · 5 months

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So the idiot doesn't want to go anywhere so he's being annoying. And I don't know that's my take on it we have a lot of stuff going on here in town they're firing a lot of people and they're moving in with people in a sisudo empire and we're not playing but they're bothering us a lot because of what they think happened with the fleet but they don't have any proof. There are several things happening in space and I'm keeping track of it

-Titan will soon be under assault and it will be Tommy f continuing his assault and it was broken off by an attack by the empire and he suffered heavy losses and the empire suffered massive losses their fleet is down to probably 80 billion roughly 120 billion I'm told and they're actually small and the foreigners fleet is huge and I was just massive but we're allowing him to try and recover and he's fighting Trump and thank heavens has started this morning he says and I say it too they really need this pack of s*** need to get rid of each other and a certain rate or becomes massively annoying

-we are looking at this way once Tommy f engages Trump more so and right now he's on the perimeter and he's moving in they're saying within the hour and I agree. Things will change here and get easier and just in time.

-this is actually the window the other fleet the foreigners have moved off and we've moved off and the empire and the only ones there are the clones and Trump and the clones are moving in in forest and Trump will try to get more power today and you won't have much time we don't think but we don't know how fast it will go they're taking over planets all four

-along with this there's a war here with the pseudo empire and the warlock is translating into other facets of society rather quickly and it's hot and heavy and Trump is fighting the clones everywhere and he's beginning to fall and show signs of weakness in the Eastern hemisphere the stashes and caches of his reduced to 25% now they're down to robots and hardware for robots and they're going to go at a pretty hefty

-off of Mars there are several issues and they're pretty big they are getting into the big fights and yet Trump is going in and out trying to say he's getting a weapon and people are taking him out partially but Mars is now got the pseudo empire around it and will take the planetoids from Trump then he will begin a fight over Mars we think to try and get the planet thinking they let him get those and he'll be trying to establish weaponry systems and get his ships out that's all coming up in the next few days not weeks

-along with this action there are huge fights over the ground-based lasers and Tommy f needs them out or needs them in possession or someone else to have them other than the empire or more lock or pseudo vampire they're always firing on them and actually the foreigners do too so they're trying to gain those and they have 200 still and they're big ones in there are there to go down to medium large it's a big deal

-on top of all this there's a massive war down below and it is over the caverns and bunkers and it's going to heat up here shortly as well as over the stashes and caches which are at below 45%, soon they will drop

-there's a big to do about the Giants and this huge pyramid off of Oregon they want to know what it is and everybody is getting into it and excited even though they shouldn't be it's a massive massive fight out there and it's going to get much larger and at each giant or celestial location and now they're remembering that there are other Giants mainly Galactus and Galactica they are seeking them and at the cities and it's hellacious it's big those big fights and it is absorbing them it's going on now there's a couple more things

-when is they say we're going to school and all this other stuff and we end up putting them down we don't want to hear all this crap we need people to provide interference so we can work a little bit unencumbered and right now is a burden and slows us down and we are having difficulties because of it and there's some factors we need changed and they've been listed within our own organizations of ours

-we have a few people in need out right now and I'm sending it in and I'm telling why

-other than this there are huge fights going on all over the world and we need troops out to close it and here in Charlotte county it's going out there and it's kind of a mess and people are being violated we need to tone it down and we need to take them out of the way

-the pseudo empire is a little out of control we need to have a certain saturation level we need to know if it's met if not please pay attention it's starting to become an important daily thing to note they have things in the rings they shouldn't they have ships in the rain so they shouldn't and all of it's very bad and we need to get a move on that is something that is a problem they need to put it down and out and further away to start it is not really holding the perimeter they're encroaching in this area but my husband is there I'm sending informal papers to Olympus now it's request for assistance and more

-my husband and I have been treated like dogs by the people here and a few others animals we want these people punished brutally no smiles no jobs nothing get them out please

Saturn is sitting no we sent a contingent there and we're holding it and we are going in and the empire is there and we'll be facing them down shortly we need all our troops up we need all the Giants up we can get we did all our personnel up and active we need our people to sign on right now this is a war it's going to go full board and we need everything going we have two huge projects coming and we don't have any more time it is only a month away or a little less and they begin and then the two biggest and we also have situations everywhere and my husband's is Dyer and mine is not very good and I'm going to be moved in 2 months roughly it'll be a little bit less than that to all have a good day and Godspeed and please ours you must sign on this is the call going out is the time for you to do your duty and we mean every man woman and child of our children are higher than they stay with you as a unit

Hera

Olympus

We have a lot of things to do this is a great report and it is updating us and timely and we need to keep this kind of thing up

Nuada Arrianna we also need recruits and we need ours to do the recruiting if you've been signed up recently you need to get yours to do it

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mattzerella-sticks · 4 years

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🔥Hot Seat🔥

4.6k, T, Peter Parker/Johnny Storm (ao3)

Spiderman likes Johnny. Like likes him. And he thought Johnny felt the same. He wasn't wrong, but Johnny like liked someone else, too. Someone he actually wanted to pursue, over Spiderman.

Unfortunately that someone is Peter Parker.

However, after a terrible misunderstanding, Johny isn't too keen on seeing either Peter or Spiderman; the longer this confusion left unresolved, the more Johnny's hurt would fester. Can Peter find a way to make Johnny listen?

Peter stares at his phone, hoping that Johnny will reply to one of the many, many messages he sent over the past few days before Peter continues with his latest and most idiotic plan. Seeing the most recent one – Torch, please, the cold shoulder is ridiculous – still left on read, no sign of typing dots appearing, Peter forfeits any intervention from the other man. Squaring his shoulders, Peter drops from the building’s ledge.

Thwack!

He swings, climbing higher and higher, towards the most intimidating and heavily fortified building on 42nd street.

The Baxter Building never felt less welcoming. And Peter could blame Johnny, but deep down he knew whose fault it was. Who could have prevented such a Galactus-level misunderstanding. Could have deterred this crisis if he were braver.

Like any normal night, Peter traipsed through the air space above horrendous New York City traffic. The lights blurring underfoot with each completed arc. Peter journeyed uptown, nearing Central Park. And as he decided between left and right, a fiery bullet sped past and swept the board for a third answer. Peter followed Johnny’s trail, crawling up the brickwork of a nearby building that overlooks the park.

“Torch!” he crowed, watching as his friend touched onto the roof. Flames extinguished like a rolling wave, from the tips of his toes until sparks flew off his bleached curls. Brown eyes, warm like hot cocoa, lit up at hearing his nickname; a wide grin cracked his face like an egg. The yolk pouring out and sizzling on Peter’s frying pan heart. Each added beat like an extra click on a stove, turning up the heat.

“Spidey,” Johnny said, gripping his hand for a quick shake, then dragging him into a one-armed hug, “Just the bug I’m lookin’ for.”

“Not a bug…” he mumbled, too aware of how in such a loose hold their chests were flushed together. He broke the embrace, sidestepping the other hero. Giving Johnny a wide berth for Peter’s sanity. “So… what do you need? Interdimensional incident? Rescue mission? …Prank?”

Johnny, in a rare show, adopted a more bashful pose. His smile shrunk to half its size, teeth hiding as his lips fell over them like a curtain. Head bowed, he focused on the embers dancing out of his fingertips. A nervous habit Ben mentioned in passing once that Peter never saw until then. “Well… it’s nothing that serious,” he started, not looking at him anymore. “But it’s still important and I’d – excuse me,” he cleared his throat, voice scratchy suddenly, “I’d appreciate if you and I could… talk?”

At least three different quips flit through his mind. He swallowed them all. Peter didn’t need a Spider-Sense to know that his ribbing wouldn’t be appreciated. Instead, he reached forward. Clapped Johnny on the shoulder, startling him so brown eyes looked into white lenses. He mirrored Johnny’s expression, even if it was pointless. “You know I’m always here for you Johnny,” he said, “whatever it is…” Then, since he couldn’t help himself. “Even if you decided to give up superheroing for a quiet, boring life on a farm far away from your favorite webslinger… I’m sure I’d understand. Somewhat.”

Snickering, Johnny whacked his hand off. “I can’t believe you…”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Peter huffed, “I’d probably make sure you weren’t a Skrull first.” Mood lightened, Peter plopped onto a nearby air vent. “So? Spill it hot stuff!”

Johnny stiffened at the nickname, a sign Peter should have taken for what it was. Like deer fleeing the woods, the smell of smoke not reaching your nose yet. Or being on a boat, sky clear and blue, although there’s a charge in the air. Disaster was at hand.

“What?”

“Spidey…” He turned, facing the park. His shoulders drooped with a deep breath, tension leaking out as he looked off into the distance. “You can’t call me that anymore.”

“Johnny,” Peter stood, “What’s –“

“You can’t call me hot stuff, and you… you can’t flirt with me. Not anymore.” Heavy ultimatums that hurt worse than a lashing from Doc Oc or ten-thousand volts from Electro. “I just… I can’t take it.”

Peter stumbled, at a loss for words. In time, he strung together a few. “I… I’m sorry,” he said, shame coiling tight and cold in his stomach. “I never meant to make you uncomfortable… if I overstepped boundaries or – or read things wrong –“

“No, that’s just it,” Johnny said, finally facing him again. Laughing, bittersweet and beautiful. Church bells during a funeral. “It’s not because I’m uncomfortable… far from it, actually.”

“Then…” Peter’s tongue felt useless, hanging on by a thread. “Then… why?”

“I want something more,” he confessed, “More than… than what this is. This – this confusing partnership-slash-friendship-slash… whatever.” Johnny dragged a hand across his face, steam twisting around his fingers. “Fuck, I want a relationship. And I think I found someone who can give that to me?”

“Really,” Peter asked, defiant. Banging his fists on the subway car as it lingered in the station. “Johnny if you want that… all you had to do was say so! What could they give you that I can’t?”

“A name, for starters.”

Peter visibly flinched, fight crumbling into sand.

“A face,” he continued, “friends I can meet… family he can introduce me to. Co-workers who, when I show up and surprise him for lunch, can go ‘is that Johnny Storm, the Human Torch’ he can say ‘no that’s Johnny Storm, my boyfriend’.” Johnny’s knees shook, but he remained standing. “We’ve known each other for years, and you still haven’t shown me your face. Don’t you… don’t you trust me? How can you like me, but not trust me?”

There’s no answer he can give that would make Johnny happy. Peter crashed into the air vent, mindful of the newly formed dent. Glad for the mask in such a moment. Johnny can’t see his face. He can’t see his pain. But he can definitely hear it. “Well… good for you, I guess,” he sniffed, leaning on his knees, “this lucky guy gave you a name? What is it?”

Johnny, softening into another timid display, shifted on his feet. “You actually know him,” he said. Bouncing, like he would rather fly off than tell Peter who he lost to. Who Spiderman lost to. “I… I don’t want to make it awkward.”

“It won’t be awkward.” A rushed promise he cannot necessarily keep. Pettiness flowed through his body like blood, and if given a name Peter will devote time on his already busy schedule to messing with whoever cut in on the funny little dance between him and Johnny. “I swear,” he lied.

Johnny arched a doubtful brow. “Okay,” he relented, sighing, “it’s… you know that guy?”

“I know tons of guys.”

“No, this one – he works for the Bugle,” Johnny lifted his hands, holding onto air in front of his face. He closed one eye, and a finger twitched. He imitated a click and shutter with his lips, capturing Peter’s utter disbelief in a fake photograph. “The one who gets all your good sides, who made that book about you? Peter Parker?”

“Oh,” he said, “…him?”

Of course.

Peter quietly traipses the Baxter Building, sticking within the shadows. Reflecting on the sheer coincidence and misfortune that Peter wound up on opposite ends of a love triangle. Johnny Storm dead smack in the center of a one-sided tug-of-war.

He should have noticed, though. How Johnny warmed up to Peter recently, after they reconnected. Not necessarily running in the same circles during high school – Johnny home-schooled and a celebrity, Peter barely given a second glance when out of costume – they crossed paths every now and then. On assignment for the Bugle at a swanky function or in the streets, coincidentally. Peter, by virtue of being himself, immediately irked the teenage Wicker Man. Every conversation between them, in the past, filled with sniping comments and waxy fakeness.

Not like Spiderman and the Human Torch got along then, either. Hormones, insecurity, and superpowers did not mix well. Both of them caught in the resulting explosion meant awkward and difficult team-ups.

But time went on. Peter and Johnny barely saw each other, and Spiderman and the Human Torch learned how to set aside their differences. They actually became friends. Best friends. And something more he couldn’t speak aloud.

Then Johnny entered Peter’s life again. “Wow,” he muttered, gaze scrolling down his body, “you… look bigger.”

Not really. He stopped wearing baggy sweaters, bottle-coke glasses he didn’t need, and cut the mop on his head. But Johnny never saw Peter in a shirt that actually fit him.

Still, even with the chapter on puberty closed, Peter figured first impressions were made and set in stone. As himself, Johnny considered Peter a friendly but often annoying fly that buzzed around. Entertained because who would harm a fly besides a sociopath. Jokes laughed at because it was better than letting an awkward silence linger. Or passionate rants suffered through because Johnny blocked whatever Peter said, mind thinking about a million other things. When Peter slipped, flirting in a way only Spiderman did with Johnny, he figured Johnny’s response more a reflex.

It was all intentional. That never occurred to him. Stunned, Peter strategically retreated from the rooftop conversation with Johnny. Stuttering through an excuse, he tripped over the building’s ledge and nearly splat onto the sidewalk if he hadn’t shot a web at the last second. He ignored Johnny’s calls as he fled through the night.

Now Johnny ignores his calls. Peter’s. Spiderman’s. Both men having pissed off the fiery hero in a horrible, but foreseeable, misunderstanding.

“Johnny…” Peter reaches his window, peering inside, “where are you my little firefly…” Nothing moves. He tries pushing on the glass, finding it uncharacteristically locked. “Dammit…”

There’s no getting in that way.

Peter abandons Johnny’s window, hurrying. Sprinting, building speed, so when he jumps, he rolls his landing on the roof.

Johnny may have blocked his usual entrance, but Peter doubts he remembers this one. Used in the beginning, when Peter and the Fantastic Four were still strangers. If there was an emergency and Peter needed help, he would sneak in through this exhaust tunnel. Security minimal given the tight squeeze.

While a fifteen-year old Spiderman could easily slip in like Santa, with his current, adult body, Peter barely manages. Except he doesn’t exit where he usually does. While wiggling through the musty, ashen chute, Peter hears the metal creak and groan. Something pops and pings. His Spider Sense fritzes a second too late.

He drops down. Not into Reed’s lab, like he expected. The ceiling breaks, Peter landing on his stomach while a cloud of foul dust trails behind him. “Gah…” he whines, checking for any broken bones, “this totally won’t help with my apology…”

“You don’t know the half’a it, bug.”

Seizing, Peter follows the noise. He spots Ben Grimm standing in front of a door frame, nearly eclipsing it with his orange, rocky frame. Flanked by Sue and Reed, the three other members of the Fantastic Four glare at him as if he were Doctor Doom.

“Hey,” he croaks, speaking around the lump of fear lodged in his throat, “nice seeing you all… Sue, did you do something with your hair? It’s been forever since you’ve braided it.” She folds her arms over her chest, flicking the tightly woven coils over her shoulder. “Johnny told you what happened, didn’t he?”

Reed’s arm shoots forward, trapping him. Squeezes bruised ribs while dangling him over the shattered remains of a coffee table he hadn’t noticed during his fall. A pinata with three-very candy crazed children circling like sharks.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

Peter curses, checking off another box on his bingo card of bad luck. One more and he’ll have five in a row.

He’d been avoiding Johnny. As Peter and Spiderman. Mainly by spending every moment of free time in costume, swinging through the streets. Never stopping for too long, only when an emergency struck. Sometimes not even then. Once, he spotted a few robbers pounding pavement by Hudson Yards. He swung in with a kick, knocking a bad guy into the water; flicked his wrist two more times and stuck the accomplices to nearby posting. Peter carried on with his patrol.

All that time as Spiderman meant a few things. He barely slept, staying at his apartment for a few short hours since Johnny knew where he lived. The costume became a second-skin, too. Lines became blurred, and there were moments where Peter thought he wore his mask when he wasn’t. Making faces that were visible and embarrassing. Miming, lifting imaginary fabric before he ate. Almost firing a web off without changing.

But when he wore the costume, he forgot it was even there.

Like the miserable morning Johnny caught him.

Peter woke up in bed, cold. The blanket fell off him in the night, and his tattered suit lain over his desk chair. Damaged after a fight with the Vulture. Overwhelmed by the criminal because his thoughts were elsewhere, taking damage normally avoided. Battle longer than he expected, Peter slumped into his apartment late at night. Stripping with the little energy he had left and collapsing on the bed in his Spiderman boxer-briefs.

And his mask.

Yawning, Peter shuffled out of his bedroom and into his kitchen. He checked his phone, delighted at the rare peacefulness that came from his schedule being clear. With only an appointment late in the afternoon, Peter decided he should treat himself with a nice breakfast. A big breakfast.

Or eggs, as they were the only items in his fridge not expired.

Peter grabbed a pan and started cooking.

Although it took seconds for his mind to wander, Peter still a little sleepy. Turning the burner on low, he groped behind for his phone again. Peter opened his Spotify app and hit shuffle, smiling when the first song came on. “The classics…” he sighed, hips shaking with the beat. Wyclef John started his intro, Peter mouthing along. Never missing a single lyric. Body awkwardly following behind, embarrassingly so. An insult to Shakira.

He shuffled through a few more songs while in his kitchen, enjoying himself. Forgetting about his past worries. Nothing mattered except his breakfast, the music, and him.

While the eggs cooled on a plate, Peter freed himself from the stove and began dancing around the apartment. Hopping, throwing his arms up, and singing wildly off-key as Patrick Stump transitioned into the ending for ‘What a Catch, Donnie’.

As all the layered vocals crescendo, Peter sensed movement out the corner of his eye. He looked, and immediately tensed.

Johnny, de-flamed and holding a bouquet of Amaryllis, gaped through the open window by his fire escape. They stared for an obscene amount of time, enough for Peter to realize he was practically naked save for his underwear and mask.

His mask.

“Johnny,” Peter started, wincing as his phone continued playing. Britney’s voice echoing in the apartment. “I can explain…”

The trance broke. Johnny screwed his mouth shut in an ugly frown, eyes blazing. Skin smoking. The flowers he carried were immolated in his grasp. Peter mournfully watched ashen petals fall; they were his favorites.

“I… I can’t believe you, Spidey.” Johnny stormed into the apartment, blonde afro enflamed. “You… you fucking asshole.”

“What?”

“You fucking prick!” He shoved Peter, tipping him over and onto the couch. Floating above, Peter could only stare as the other hero spiraled in front of him. “You are the worst fucking friend – you… you… you couldn’t let me have this? Not if it wasn’t you? You promised.” His voice cracked, the shards stabbing Peter’s heart. Tears boiled, droplets becoming steam on his cheeks. “But you fucked me over you selfish asshole.”

“What?” Peter asked, gasping for breath. His chest was too tight, no air getting in. Squashed under a heavy boot of regret, watching Johnny breakdown because of him. “I… whatever you’re thinking, it’s –“

“No, I don’t want to hear it,” he growled, fists flaming. “You can’t spin yourself out of this web, not after catching you here. Catching you post-fuck with Peter. Making him breakfast while he… while he what? Sleeps? Because you’re an awesome lay?” Johnny glared at the closed bedroom door, yelling. “Fuck you Peter Parker!” Then, at Spiderman. “And fuck you, too. Friendship over.”

He flew, Peter numbly calling after him. Stopping at the window’s edge, fear keeping him from thwapping out. Chasing Johnny so he can explain. Johnny’s exit must have drawn someone’s eye. If they saw Peter leaving in his Spiderman costume, the puzzle would complete itself.

Which is why he’s here. Hoping he could trap Johnny in the Baxter Building, surprise him with an explanation. Of how Peter, being Spiderman’s friend, let him crash in his apartment while he visited his aunt. Besides the truth, it’s the best excuse he can create.

And he can’t say the truth, obviously.

“Listen,” Peter struggles in Reed’s grasp, “I’m here in good faith.”

“Somehow I don’t believe that…” Ben says, grinding his fist in an open palm. The sound grates on Peter’s nerves.

“No, really,” he says, “I – I came to apologize to Johnny. Explain what he saw –“

“He saw enough,” Sue says, stepping forward. Like her brother, a fire burned in her eyes. Except without the actual pyrotechnics, her quiet anger scared Peter more. “You should leave, Spiderman. Only contact us if there’s an emergency – even then… we better be the last heroes you try.” She sighs, pinching her brow. Like he gave Sue a migraine by existing. “Y’know, Johnny really liked Peter.”

“I know, I know –“

“And yet you still went behind his back?” Ben scoffed, “What a friendly neighborhood spider…”

Peter groaned, head thrown back. “I didn’t sleep with Peter!” he shouts, swinging, “I couldn’t sleep with Peter!” Choking, he bites his lip. The latter half of his statement spoken in complete exasperation, afterthought barging in only when his teeth clacked on the ‘r’.

Three doubtful sets of eyes stare at him. “Sure,” Ben says, “You couldn’t. So… you still wanted to?”

“No!” he says, trembling, “No, I – it’s like you said, Johnny liked him. What kind of friend would I have been if I had… Peter’s not my type, anyway. Too much of a nerd and – and God, he has the worst taste in everything. Such a scaredy cat, too, never takes a risk…” Cramming more of his foot in mouth, Peter switches tactics seeing the heroes grow angrier at his self-deprecation. “Peter wasn’t even in the apartment when Johnny was there?” he tries, weakly. Unconvincingly. “He was at his aunt’s?”

“Can I hit him?” Ben asks the others, “Please? No one’ll even see the bruise!”

“No, Ben,” Reed tells him, releasing Peter. Dropping him onto the broken table pieces again. He arches a judgmental brow at Peter, “We’re better than cheap shots.”

Panic sets in. Peter rushes forward, slamming against an invisible barrier. Sue’s mouth thins as she pushes, Peter digging his heels in. “No,” he says, straining, “no I can’t leave without talking to him.”

“You have no right,” Sue says, using both hands as she fights with him. He slides backwards, losing. “He doesn’t want to see you. Not tonight, not ever again. You ruined any chance he has with Peter.”

“I’m… not…” he says, “he’s… ruining his chance –“

“Oh yeah!” Ben snickered, “And how’s that?”

“Because I’m Peter!”

Peter slams onto his face, the invisible wall disappearing. Pain barely registers over the shock at revealing his identity to the others. They all gape at Peter, feeling the same cocktail of emotions that stir inside him. “W-what,” Sue whispers, “you – you can’t…”

A thought surfaces. He could leave, and Johnny’s family could reason Peter’s response as the throes of desperation taking hold. Crazed response carrying little weight.

But this might be his only chance. Johnny would hear the others’ recount, and then nothing he'll ever say could fix their issues. Another misunderstanding tearing at frayed cord.

In the space between blinks, Peter decides one secret he spent so hard protecting was worth nothing if it meant an eternity suffering in icy solitude.

Swallowing his fear, he scrambles up. Tears off his mask in one swoop, dropping it in the wreckage. “I’m Peter Parker,” he says. Puffs his chest with false bravado, when every logical bone in his body tells him to deflate. “I’ve always been Peter Parker, from the very beginning.” Before they could respond, he shuffles close. With wide eyes, he works through his nerves and says, “Please, let me see Johnny. Let me explain to the hotheaded idiot that I’m kinda in love with.”

“…You’re only kinda in love with me?”

Johnny stands in the doorway once blocked by Ben. He’s dressed sloppily, in sweatpants and a hoodie Peter never saw before. Stained with an innumerable amount of foods Peter bets they could stock a fridge with. “Peter,” he drifts forward, “you’re… wow.” Giggling, Johnny scratches at his neck. “Only kinda in love, huh?” he repeats.

“Well,” Peter says, “I – uh… it might’ve been more. The whole way. But then you chose some other guy –“

“You were the other guy.”

“And you ran off, before I could offer you some of my eggs.” He blanches, the ruddiness on his cheeks obvious without fabric covering them. “My breakfast,” he amends, “My… yeah.” Peter fiddles his thumbs, wincing. “I’m really sorry you had to see that. And for making you think – by not telling you –“

“About your secret identity,” Johnny finishes for him. Irritation creeps onto his face, hardening the soft glow in his eyes. “You realize all this could have been avoided if you told me on that rooftop, right?”

“I am aware, yes.”

“Okay.” He frowns, hand hovering between them. Like he wants to reach out but can’t. Not yet. “You came here then, to clear this all up?” Johnny asks, “Tell me the truth?”

The lies bubble up easily. Practiced in dancing around reality, Peter can give Johnny exactly what he wants to hear. Brush this entire evening under a rug and move on.

But that’s not how they should begin this. Johnny knows his secret – should have known it much earlier than this. Brought in on Peter’s terms when the other hero wasn’t furious with him. If he chose the easy road paved with falsehoods, they won’t go far.

“No,” he confesses, studying his feet. Unworthy of Johnny’s beautiful face. “I wasn’t. I was gonna sell you on an awful lie, hoping you’d buy it, and then find you as Peter and… turn you down.” Johnny splutters from nearby, Peter continuing despite it. “Suggest you try Spiderman, because he really likes you – I really like you. And being with you as Spiderman than as… as regular ol’ Peter was… it’s all I thought I could have.”

“It didn’t have to be,” Johnny finally crosses the divide. Grabs Peter’s hand, squeezing it. His gaze trails up, finding Johnny’s warm face shining with a sunny expression. “I’d gladly have all of you… if you trust me.”

“Johnny…” Peter figures he’ll be spilling more than one secret tonight. “It was never about trust. I trust you with – well, with everything.”

“Except –“

“Except I was so scared!” he blurts out, squeezing Johnny’s hand. “I’d think about what it’d be like, letting you in on my double life. But then my brain would always focus on what could go wrong. You date me – the world will know about us. Whether it’s Peter and you or Spidey and you… What if we kiss while in costume, and someone snags a picture? People will think I’m a homewrecker and you’re a no-good cheat. Or they’d figure things out, put two and two and you and me and me together. And if that doesn’t miraculously happen… well, you know how villains love kidnapping loved ones. They could surprise me midway through a costume change and my secret’d be everywhere. I… your family can protect themselves, but mine can’t. If I didn’t have to worry about my friends, my aunt… you understand, don’t you?”

Johnny smiles, using their joined hands to drag Peter into a hug. Lips brush against his ear, chuckling. “Yeah… I understand. I always did speak Spider better than every other hero…” Peter nuzzles at Johnny’s neck, wondering at how fantastic it feels standing together like this. “Man,” he continues, mumbling, “can’t believe I never realized. It’s so obvious.”

“Imagine how obvious it’d be if we were on every magazine, trending on Twitter.”

“Then what does that mean for us? Are you still scared?”

Peter clears his throat. “Terrified. Of what being in a relationship with you will mean, and how things will change… but, somehow, the idea that you’d never be in my life again scares me even more. Given the options… I’d always pick you.”

Johnny collapses in his arms, Peter grateful for his super strength. “That’s a relief,” Johnny tells him, “I don’t know what I would’ve done if you told me all this and still rejected me.” He stiffens, leaning out of the embrace. “I wouldn’t expose you, of course. Never. Not even if Jameson held me captive, threatening me with a bad dye job and an eternity of bad press – your secret’s safe with me, Peter.”

“With all of us,” Sue adds, reminding them of her presence. She, Reed, and Ben watched them from the sidelines. Ben hides behind his hand, shoulders trembling. “I hope you can forgive how we acted, Peter –“

“It’s all good,” he says, “you were looking out for Johnny. I get it.”

“Family looks out for each other,” Johnny says. He shifts, arm sliding as he tucks Peter into his side. “And since you’re practically family, that means we’ll keep an eye on everyone you’re worried about and make sure they stay safe, too.”

A smile forces itself onto his face, “You really mean it?”

“You trust me right?”

“Of course.”

“Then what else do you need?”

For the first time, Peter happily acts on his first instinct. His hand snakes around the hoodie’s collar, bunching it in his grip. “This.” He pulls Johnny down, slotting their mouths together.

Fire slowly burns over his skin from where they meet, Peter delighting in the burn. He sometimes wondered what it felt like using Johnny’s powers. Body tingling, lighter than air, and hotter than ever, Peter thinks this is the closest he’ll get without flying through cosmic rays.

They part, foreheads pressed. Johnny flutters his eyes open, the light shining there changing. Regarding Peter differently, combining two halves and seeing the entirety of his being. Knowing him, truly.

“Wow,” he gasps, “if that’s all you need, feel free to do that whenever.”

Peter will hold Johnny to that.

There are other things that need attending, first. Ben groans, drawing them from their little cocoon. “Great,” he says, slapping his forehead, “I thought the pining was bad, but this? We’ll never get anything done now!”

Johnny hisses, glaring past Peter at the others. “Can we get a little privacy, please?”

“We’ll get out of your hair hot shot,” Sue says, corralling Reed and Ben through a different exit. “Remember though,” she sings, “if you plan on going to your room, keep your door open!”

“Sue!”

She snuffs the fireball with a simple thought, arching a stern brow. “Try that again and I’m taking away your Spiderman privileges.”

Johnny knocks their heads together, whistling a low, sad tune. “Sue, please…” Sue leaves without any further teasing, only Johnny and Peter in the living room now.

They don’t move. Content standing, loosely embracing, in a moment Peter wishes could last forever. It won’t. Peter’s exhaustion bears down, no longer shielded from it by adrenaline. He’ll leave soon and fall asleep in an empty bed. Wake the next morning doubting if this actually happened. Only believing when Johnny texts him something stupid yet charming, stoking the fires within his heart. Keeping it lit, chasing off any shadows that might hang over their future.

Because right now, they’re Spiderman and the Human Torch. Peter Parker and Johnny Storm. Amazing and Fantastic.

And together. Finally, blessedly together.

#peter parker #spiderman #johnny storm #the human torch #spideytorch #spideytorch fanfic #black johnny storm #black sue storm #mistaken identity

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duhragonball · 4 years

Text

State of the Damn Wienerfic

I’ve finally finished the “thousand years ago” section of my OC’s backstory, which is a big relief to me. The first 141 chapters of Luffa: The Legendary Super Saiyan were intended to develop the title character as a protagonist in her own right, and not just a guest star or supporting player to the main cast, like Tapion in “Wrath of the Dragon”. I was always worried that I’d meet some untimely end before I finished, and no one would know how things turned out for her.

From 142 onward, I’m flashing forward to the events of Dragon Ball:Xenoverse. It’s not going to be a total adaptation of the game’s story mode, but I did like the notion that if I ever reached this point, the fic has a tenative ending, and a curious reader could run Xenoverse 1 on Steam and get a general idea of what happens next. But I’m still alive, so I guess I’ll go ahead and write my version.

It’s still surreal to me that I’ve reached this milestone. I’ve thought about it for so long and now it’s here. I wrote the bulk of #142 last November, and some other material that still needs to be organized, and my goal for this year’s NanoWriMo is to plow forward. A lot of things will be different, and I think one of them is that I feel like I can be more open about the creative process. So if you want to see how the sausage is made, click the read more. If you’d rather see how crayons are made, watch this video below.

youtube

There’s a Sesame Street version of this, but those are all orange crayons, and I like yellow better. Also I like the way Mr. Rogers says “crayons”.

All right, now that those weird crayon people are distracted, let’s talk about Luffa.

I came up with the idea around 2004, I think. DBZ was done airing in the U.S., and I wanted to write some sort of fanfic about it, but I was having trouble coming up with ideas. I felt like the main story had wrapped up very well with Z, and GT only seemed to prove that you can’t top the original story. So I started thinking about the lore, and that led me to the Legendary Super Saiyan that Vegeta spoke of in DBZ Episode 66.

There were a few things that bugged me about the DBZ fandom at the time. Mostly I was just reading the GameFaqs boards to find any hot scoops about upcoming DBZ games, and no one really knew much of anything, so the board was mostly guys shooting idle speculation back and forth. Occasionally someone would bring up the fact that we never saw any female Super Saiyans, which led some to suspect that such a thing must be impossible. The one explanation that stuck in my craw was that “women can’t get angry enough”. Usually, misogynists are always saying women are too emotional to do anything else, so by that logic, you’d think it would be much easier for Saiyan women. They’d just flip out whenever a stray laser bolt fries their hair, like Daphne Zuniga in “Spaceballs.”

The other thing that bugged me was the Broly-worship in some circles. One way or another, Broly hype reached American fans well before the Funimation dub of Movie 8. I remember the official promotions from Funimation acknowledging that fans kind of already knew who the guy was. For a few years before 2003, I think Broly became this mythical figure, like your friend whose uncle works for Nintendo, or “Q” telling 4-chan all about how everyone you don’t like is going to get arrested soon. I’m pretty sure this is why you can still find Broly fanart where he’s beating up Galactus, Kid Buu, and Superman, to name a few. I think a lot of fanboys got it in their head that Broly could kick anybody’s ass, which is weird because he can’t even win in his own movies.

I think even the official stuff played into this idea, since Broly would often be used as a special bonus boss in a lot of video games, so you beat Kid Buu and then hold on, now you have to fight Broly. So it’s not hard to get the vibe that he’s the real final boss of everything. I’m curious how the 2018 version of Broly will affect the perception of the character, but it’s probably too soon to tell. In the mid-2000′s, though, it felt like a lot of people believed that Broly was a more legitimate Super Saiyan than Goku or the others, by virtue of being green and irrationally violent.

So this was on my mind when I thought about what to do with the Super Saiyan from 1000 years ago. I felt like there were people who wanted to believe that this character was a lot more like Broly than Goku, which is dumb, because the whole point of Super Saiyan Goku was that he was taking on the same role as the last guy. And, for my money, the moral of Goku going Super Saiyan was that he was the only Saiyan of his generation who understood the same thing all the old Super Saiyans did. Something about his upbringing on Earth helped him reach that level. All the other Saiyans were too contaminated by their own culture of ruthless dickery.

And so I thought that it would really flip the script if I wrote a story about that Legendary Super Saiyan and made him very different from the fanboy perception of Broly. And I’d make him a her, just to twist the knife. Not only is this not Broly, but she’s one of those women Super Saiyans everyone thinks can’t happen. I doubt anyone from GameFaqs in 2007 would even notice my fic, but I’d like to think they’d be pissed about what I’ve done.

I tried writing some of this down in 2006, but I didn’t get very far, mostly because I was intimidated by the scope of the idea. I didn’t think I could do a long story, but I wasn’t sure a short story could get the idea across. So I just didn’t do it at all, and kept thinking about it from time to time. I wanted to make Luffa as a custom character in a video game, if they ever made a game with CAC features. Ultimate Tenkaichi had it, but you could only make a Saiyan man... which just reinforced my motivations for doing this kind of a story.

Finally, Dragon Ball Xenoverse debuted a more robust CAC feature in 2015, and I could design the character properly. I didn’t have much in the way of ideas, so I just sort of let the gameplay take me where it would. The game is set in the future, and Trunks just wishes for an ally, so who’s to say that this ally couldn’t have come from the past? You do a lot of grinding in the game, and there’s a lot of exposition, and that gave me time to think about what what Luffa had been doing right before she got to this place. And slowly, I started to iron out what I wanted to write.

Her costume was just a convenience, really. I went with short hair because the long hair doesn’t “float” when you go Super Saiyan in the game. I wanted some sort of old-school looking armor, but everything in the game was based on costumes from the show, and the “Saiyan” armor in DBZ was Frieza’s thing. It wouldn’t have existed a thousand years earlier. I might have gone for something like Cabba’s outfit in Dragon Ball Super, but that wouldn’t be available until a few years later. So that left me with a choice between a baggy martial arts dogi or the skin tight Pilot Suit. The Pilot Suit is kind of... distracting, since it’s just a skin, and the developers make you stare at the character’s ass the whole time. On the other hand, a baggy dogi kind of made her look like Cell Games Gohan. So I went with baggy pants and fitted shirts.

The black and yellow color scheme was mostly so I wouldn’t confuse my character from the others appearing on the screen during fights. That ruled out purple, orange, and blue, since the Z-Fighters wear those. I resisted yellow, because that’s my favorite color, but later I realized black and yellow is perfect, because that’s the color scheme of the giant ape in Vegeta’s flashback.

Playing the game helped motivate me to actually sit down and write the story, because I finally had a fleshed out character that I could see and do things with. And making her fight DBZ characters got me to consider how she would react to those concepts. Would she respect Vegeta’s royal bloodline, or would she be unimpressed like Goku? How would she feel about Frieza’s destruction of their home planet? Would she even recognize it as her home planet? How does she feel about the fact that no one remembers anything about her?

My goal for the first 141 chapters was to build a world and a backstory that would set up the answers to those questions. The villains in that part of the story are all misogynists of one stripe or another. They view women as tools to be exploited, or as enemies to be eliminated, or as distractions to be ignored. They see Luffa doing her thing and they all say “She can’t do that,” and then she does it harder.

Now that I think about it, I suppose the appeal to the character, and the thing that frustrates her so much, is that she’s just trying to be herself, but all these buttholes in the universe are outraged by it, and yet they just can’t stop her. They want her to die, or go away, or become something else, something they can accept, but she just refuses to do that, and she’s got the raw power to tell them all where they can shove it. This whole thing is my ham-fisted attempt to write a feminist allegory with Saiyans in it, and I’ll never be good enough to get it exactly right, but you know, it’s not as hard as I thought it would be. Along the way, some LBGT stuff started to get into the mix, and I thought “Well, I’m really in the deep end of the pool now.” I’m sorry if I got anything wrong, but I think I did okay. I’m not breaking any records, but I managed to avoid drowning, right?

Anyway, that’s why the Saiyans hate her guts, because all the Saiyans in DBZ resented Goku as being weak and worthless. Even when Goku surpassed Vegeta, Vegeta still thought he lacked the killer instinct to be a “““true”“““ Super Saiyan. Luffa’s got plenty of killer instinct, but the Saiyans hate her out of jealousy and fear. Vegeta accused Trunks of lying about being a Saiyan, because his hair wasn’t the right color. I wanted to make a whole population of Saiyans who would quibble over those kinds of details. “The stone the builders have rejected has become the capstone.”

This is also why I made the Saiyan King the main villain, because I wanted to echo Goku’s conflict with Vegeta, and King Vegeta’s conflict with Paragus and Broly. If there’s a Super Saiyan every thousand years, then what happens to the second strongest Saiyan whenever that day comes? Does he stand aside like John the Baptist, or does he refuse to accept the changing times?

The purpose of all of this was to explain why Vegeta remembers the legend of the Super Saiyan, but nothing about the person. Why doesn’t he know Luffa’s name, or what color her pants were? Because his ancestors hated her, and suppressed the parts of her story that they didn’t like. Even as Vegeta recalls what little he knows, he thinks “I never actually believed it.”

Okay, but Luffa had friends, right? Wouldn’t they have left a record for future generations? Well maybe, but how long would it take to fade into obscurity? And Luffa’s kind of a private person. Everyone in her inner circle avoided the spotlight. There’s a move about her, but it’s filled with wild inaccuracies. Eyewitnesses to her battles can only describe a glowing blur. Close-up footage just shows an irritable Saiyan woman with a strange dyejob. Most civilians find regular Saiyans to be pretty extraordinary as they are. A Super Saiyan doesn’t seem that much more impressive.

What you wind up with is this legacy of battles that were fought and won by a single, mighty warrior, but no one can agree on what that warrior was exactly. At some point, enough time passes where the Saiyans are willing to reclaim the legend. “Yeah, that guy had to be a Saiyan. Who else could do all those things?” But the things she stood for and learned along the way, that’s all lost.

I just didn’t think it’d take me 647,471 words to explain all of that. But now I can finally write the part with all the popular characters in it. Right now, my big problem is that I have to slap together a few more OC’s and I need to figure out just what the hell Towa’s deal is. The Dragon Ball Wiki attempts to explain whatever happens in those Dragon Ball Heroes games, but it doesn’t seem like they wrote any of it to fit a coherent narrative. I’d like to use as much official Demon Realm lore as possible, if only because that’s what Towa and Demigra’s fans would be familiar with, but I’m not sure how this is going to look. I mean, they’re gonna get an ass-whoopin’, I know that part, but I’d like to flesh out their characters before the beating starts.

Anyway, I got my work cut out for me. But at least the soundtrack will be epic.

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#luffastuff #get lost orange crayons #yellow is so much better than orange #like #i know colors can't fight #but if they could #*if they could*#i'm pretty sure yellow could kick the shit out of orange #like if a lady wearing yellow fought a dude in orange he'd probably get wrecked #i think you see where i'm going with this train of thought #yajirobe and gt bulma are in deep trouble #wait

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frankendykes-monster · 4 years

Note

If you have the time, I remember you said Batman Brave and the Bold was better than the DCAU. Why do you think so exactly?

Warning for some rambling because I am sleepy.

Even though this is not how it is supposed to work, as I grow older, I progressively like less and less "adult" superhero media. I couldn't tell you when this process began, I just know I thought The Dark Knight Returns and Watchmen were hot shit when I was 16 and now I just have copies of them on my shelf out of obligation more than anything.

But more so I think my frame of reference with regards to superheroes is deftly inspired by Grant Morrison and David Mazucchelli's statements on the subject. Grant Morrison for just how much he can shamelessly embrace how endlessly fucking weird superheroes are and how that should be the default of the sub-genre. His quote "Adults...struggle desperately with fiction, demanding constantly that it conform to the rules of everyday life. Adults foolishly demand to know how Superman can fly...when the answer is obvious even to the smallest child: because it's not real." began to put the pieces in place for me. Mazucchelli's "once a depiction veers towards realism, each new detail releases a torrent of questions that exposes the absurdity at the heart of the genre. The more realistic superheroes become, the less believable they are. Its a delicate balance. But this mucb I know: superheroes are real when theyre drawn in ink." is the complementary statement. Seeing Batman be described as a "detective scientist ninja that dresses like Dracula and drives around in a rocket car" by Chris Sims is pretty much how I got to this moment now. Superheroes are completely and utterly ridiculous, you cant take them seriously in the way a lot of people do.

Superheroes functionally first dealt with the issue of realism after the Marvel boom of the 1960's. Stuff like the Fantastic Four being unable to stop Galactus no matter what they do or Spider-Man being put through the wringer permanently changed the game, and there's never been a definite answer to what direction these characters should go in the decades since then, so I typically regard the Silver Age over at DC to be the most "superhero-y" that superheroes have ever gotten (we'll get back to this).

What this all has to do with the DCAU specifically is that it goes too far for my tastes with regards to my personal tastes at this moment in time. It's gotten the critically acclaimed reputation it's gotten for taking itself seriously and yeah I'm no longer in the audience for it. I'm just not interested that much in superheroes in any capacity having to prove that "theyre not just for kids" because, first, superheroes are fictional characters for children, second, god I dont even fucking know anymore. This is more a problem with audiences in general and the cultural expectations of when you become an adult that you're no longer allowed to have fun so people can't take any of this shit seriously so in turn it forces itself to become serious. I remember someone explaining that the 1966 Batman series wasnt campy and silly, it just presented Batman in an honest way, and when people saw that Batman is by nature silly, they couldnt take Batman seriously, because a lot of people are just humorless and not much fun. Anyhow.

Yes I appreciate stories discussing the ethics of vigilantism and the addressing that innocent people would be caught in the crossfire, or when you get to Justice League Unlimited specifically with its 9/11 fallout stuff, but that's been the default for...a WHILE now. I'm very much sick of it. Seeing stuff like The Boys get super popular over on Amazon's streaming service or fuck it the plot of Avengers: Endgame being about how all these characters that children love and look up to fucked up and failed everyone is just rather depressing. This not even touching the fact that the most recent live-action incarnations of Batman and Superman are basically serial killers.

So while the DCAU doesnt usually ever go that far (except for Batman Beyond: Return of The Joker, which is so insanely fucking dark that its the story equivalent of a train just derailing after it accelerates to a virtually nonstop speed), its still a little much for me at this point in time. I dont rather like "superheroes existing in the real world", I like them existing in their own universe playing by their own rules. I'll get back to it and appreciate it more sometime in the future, just not the near future.

So anyhow, what does this have to do with The Brave and The Bold now? This show specifically aims to directly imitate and reify virtually every element of Silver Age comics, AND I LOVE IT. This is a show where you only see Batman unmasked/referred to as Bruce Wayne for ONE episode. It has no qualms about what it is, no conflict of identity, no growing pains trying to make itself relevant, it does what the fuck it pleases. Other than maybe Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse, it's the piece of popular media surrounding the sub-genre that is so comfortable in its own skin that it's just endless joy to watch.

There's also the fact that even though Batman is in the title, and is the star, he doesn't really hog the spotlight. The Brave and The Bold, even though its structure is based on a comic series from the 1970's, takes advantage of the fact that since Batman is (was, I guess) the only thing making DC any money, they might as well use him as the springboard to attach every obscure character from every corner of this entire universe. I mean, where else would I or anybody else growing up across 2009 - 2011 would have learned about Blue Beetle, Plastic Man, Red Tornado, Wildcat, Kamandi, Deadman, OMAC, the JSA, 'Mazing Man, the Creature Commandos, the Metal Men, the Doom Patrol, Hawk and Dove, Booster Gold, the Outsiders, etc. You can point to the DCAU getting around to deep cuts like the Seven Soldiers of Victory, but for me personally, my intense love for the entire DC universe can be traced back to this show specifically.

#long post

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f4liveblogarchives · 4 years

Text

Fantastic Four Vol 1 #235

Mon May 04 2020 [07:44 PM] Wack'd: Last time: EGO THE LIVING PLANET [07:44 PM] Umbramatic: ah, an old friend [07:46 PM] Wack'd: If you've ever wondered what Ego's pours look like have I got a treat for you

[07:47 PM] Bocaj: I didn't but thank you [07:47 PM] Umbramatic: p o r e s [07:47 PM] Wack'd: So after landing and determining Ego smells awful they find he's got a giant jet engine strapped to him that allows him to move through space [07:47 PM] Bocaj: Wait that’s how he does it [07:47 PM] Bocaj: I just assumed it was planetary power [07:47 PM] Wack'd: It's a "siderial propulsion unit" [07:48 PM] Wack'd: But yeah he's just got a big ol' jet pack [07:48 PM] Bocaj: What a zenoma sekot of him [07:48 PM] Umbramatic: PLANET-SIZE JET PACK [07:49 PM] Wack'd: Haha so apparently [07:49 PM] Wack'd: The giant jet engine wasn't his idea [07:50 PM] Wack'd: His as-of-yet-unnamed enemy strapped it to him to make him someone else's problem [07:50 PM] Wack'd: But he learned to control it and now he's everyone's problem [07:50 PM] Umbramatic: ego: i am going to cause problems on purpouse [07:52 PM] Wack'd: I don't have a joke for this panel I just think it looks neat

[07:53 PM] Umbramatic: oh god oh fuck i'm having flashbacks to the eighth pokemon movie [07:53 PM] Wack'd: Anyway. Fight fight fight [07:53 PM] Wack'd: Sue realizes the antibodies are following her based on her footsteps so invisibility is pointless. Instead she makes a giant pillar which they all run into like Looney Tunes [07:54 PM] Aleph Null: ego the living planet: gross as fuck [07:55 PM] Bocaj: now now nobody looks nice at that magnification [07:55 PM] Wack'd: Reed: I will make whatever assumptions I need to in order to avoid moral culpability

[07:55 PM] Umbramatic: also the cells you get rid of when you get a haircut are dead already [07:55 PM] Aleph Null: is reed a bojack [07:56 PM] Wack'd: Okay but Will Arnett would kill playing 616-Reed [07:56 PM] Aleph Null: how many hundreds of times have you contemplated a fantastic four cartoon voice cast? [07:57 PM] Wack'd: Aleph Null : How many loaves of bread have you eaten in your life? [07:57 PM] Bocaj: there's like bacteria and mites and stuff on hair i guess [07:57 PM] Bocaj: but. [07:57 PM] Aleph Null: hehe funny jojo [07:57 PM] Bocaj: He's a funny monkey [07:58 PM] Wack'd: Meanwhile, back in New York, we check in on Frankie Raye [07:58 PM] Bocaj: love me some mysterious side cast [07:59 PM] Wack'd: Oh cool I love 9 Chickweed Lane

[08:00 PM] Bocaj: Did she blindfold the teddie bear [08:00 PM] Wack'd: She did. Dunno what's up with that [08:01 PM] Wack'd: Maybe to prevent this very situation of the bear seeing her naked [08:01 PM] Bocaj: That sure is an interesting set of decisions that have led to this [08:02 PM] Wack'd: She and her long long legs contemplate giving Johnny a call and then she catches a glimpse of her naked body in the mirror and has a freakout because, as the narrative caption informs us, "she knows!" [08:02 PM] Wack'd: Big dysphoria mood [08:02 PM] Umbramatic: mood [08:04 PM] Wack'd: Back in space the Four have reached the giant jet pack and removed a battery from it. (Think, like, 1.25 Ben Grimms tall.) But before they can complete whatever plan Reed has, Ego chucks a mountain of bone at them and they have to make a run for it [08:05 PM] Umbramatic: DEM BONES [08:06 PM] Wack'd: Reed wants to blow it up next to Ego's brain to stun him [08:07 PM] Wack'd: Apparently Reed's body makes him uniquely susceptible to...the pressure of going to the center of a planet?

[08:07 PM] Wack'd: I mean I guess Sue has force fields and Ben is already extremely dense [08:08 PM] Wack'd: You'd think this would be a problem for Johnny though [08:08 PM] Bocaj: He is also pretty dense [08:08 PM] Wack'd: 🥁 [08:08 PM] Bocaj: 🙃 [08:08 PM] Umbramatic: AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [08:08 PM] Bocaj: More psuedo sciency though he can get hot as the sun without violenting combusting the atmosphere so that means something [08:08 PM] Bocaj: Maybe. [08:09 PM] Wack'd: Sue however cannot take the heat so. YEET

[08:10 PM] Bocaj: I can't believe she's been yote [08:10 PM] Umbramatic: this is going to be one of those "and only one remains" things isn't it [08:10 PM] Bocaj: I like those things when done well [08:10 PM] Wack'd: Big ups to Umbra [08:10 PM] Umbramatic: jrpgs LOVE to do that shit [08:10 PM] Wack'd: Johnny can't deal with the pressure anymore and decides this "isn't the time for false pride”. Nopes out [08:10 PM] Umbramatic: HA [08:11 PM] Bocaj: the party based gameplay engine loves to widdle a party down to one? Really? [08:11 PM] maxwellelvis: I prefer when the party dwindles because each person is caught up in a grudge match with one of the bad guys, but this is a cool take on it too. [08:11 PM] Wack'd: ...friggin [08:12 PM] Wack'd: I was gonna be like "where have I seen 'blowing up a giant brain' as a solution before" [08:12 PM] Wack'd: But this is literally how they get Ego in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2, huh [08:12 PM] Bocaj: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2: This one with more feels [08:12 PM] Wack'd: Wonder if James Gunn read this issue or if it's just the natural solution to a living planet [08:13 PM] Wack'd: Or maybe other issues since have aped this, I dunno [08:14 PM] Wack'd: Anyway enjoy the money shot of Ego's brain

[08:14 PM] Bocaj: I can't believe they're going to kill Ego the Living Planet already. What will we use to mock bad Byrne? [08:16 PM] Wack'd: It turns out Ego's enemy, the reason he came to Earth, was Galactus [08:16 PM] Wack'd: Which makes sense. Circle of life and all that [08:16 PM] Wack'd: And apparently Galactus has done fuck-all since the Sphinx saga so this Earth is where the trail went cold [08:16 PM] Umbramatic: CIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE [08:17 PM] Wack'd: Plant-eater eats planet, planet teams up with Norse god to fight him off, planet goes back on deal with Norse god, Norse god and planet-eater team up to strap a giant jetpack to planet [08:17 PM] Wack'd: You know [08:17 PM] Wack'd: The circle of life [08:18 PM] maxwellelvis: Thor? [08:18 PM] Wack'd: Yeah [08:18 PM] Wack'd: Anyway apparently being away from his sun is slowly killing Ego [08:19 PM] Wack'd: Anyway Ben throws the makeshift bomb at Ego's brain [08:19 PM] Wack'd: And misses [08:19 PM] Wack'd: He misses a target the size of a moon [08:19 PM] Bocaj: dammit ben you were a foot the ball player [08:19 PM] Wack'd: Good god, Ben [08:20 PM] Wack'd: So now Ego knows what they were attempting and is pissed off [08:20 PM] Wack'd: And decides to burn Earth to death [08:20 PM] Wack'd: Fires up one of his jet engines [08:20 PM] Wack'd: Buuuuuuut they stole one of the batteries [08:20 PM] maxwellelvis: Way to biff that one up, Ben [08:20 PM] Wack'd: So now he can only turn left [08:21 PM] Bocaj: oh my god [08:21 PM] maxwellelvis: *Mel Blanc car sputtering ensues* [08:21 PM] Wack'd: FUCK I FUCKED UP MY THROAT LAUGHING TOO HARD

[08:22 PM] Wack'd: THIS IS INCREDIBLE [08:22 PM] Wack'd: EGO YOU FUCKING DINGDONG WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TURN OFF THE ENGINE BEFORE YOU THREW YOURSELF INTO THE SUN [08:22 PM] Bocaj: wow [08:23 PM] Bocaj: Its honestly a little great how often the solution to things is to throw them into the sun [08:23 PM] Wack'd: You can't solve all your problems that way but you can solve enough of them to keep things interesting [08:24 PM] Bocaj: Is it all that you hoped for? [08:24 PM] Wack'd: Lucky for Ben instead of slowly boiling into nothing, Ego explodes, allowing the remaining three to find him and rescue him in the jet [08:25 PM] Bocaj: I can't believe Ego the Living Planet is dead forever [08:25 PM] Wack'd: I feel like probably if you're this close to the sun you're dead but alright

[08:26 PM] Bocaj: U-unstable molecules? [08:27 PM] Wack'd: big "it's a three-hour paddle home" energy

[08:27 PM] Bocaj: Did they pack days of food and oxygen [08:27 PM] Bocaj: Since I assume they don't die i'm just going to assume so [08:27 PM] Wack'd: Look they've jettisoned most of their bodies to save on energy requirements, what more do you want [08:28 PM] Bocaj: Pffft [08:28 PM] Wack'd: Also I hate how John Bryne draws Ben's head from the front [08:28 PM] Bocaj: He looks like a Toad Mariobros who needs to moisturize [08:28 PM] Wack'd: It's like one half of the cheeseburger head *Two-in-One* gives him [08:28 PM] maxwellelvis: His head looks like a big--

#1981 #John Bryne #The Main Book

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