#what i really need is to just be unemployed lmao

[angelpuns]

Thinking about taking a break for like a week or two even though it will ultimately be more stressful cause I am significantly stressed out about other things in my life ( mostly driving. Almost exclusively driving. )

Like I have the first week of updates for the next mini arc ready and I'm nearly finished the the next page ( and its only 3 pages ) but jfc there's so much going on suddenly and it all kinda hit me rn. Conveniently the night before the start of my work week haha.

its a lot of miniscule silly things but unfortunately thinking about them all at once is making my brain explode a little ;-;

I don't WANT to take a break, especially because once I try to start again I probably won't be able to. I find it very difficult to stop when I have a set routine and then just...not work on something. Which is why some of the Kid Leo arcs in the past have had HUGE lapses in posting :/ I also feel significantly guilty when I take breaks cause I know I don't do as well after I take a break lmao. Breaks usually don't benefit me, which is why I don't take them like ever.

The next three weeks are like...gonna be super busy on the weekends and super stressful driving wise. Like I'm talking long long trips of me having to drive. And then the week after the long trip I am gonna be boothing at a local convention which is always stressful. And I still have to make things for it.

I don't know, I'll decide sometime tomorrow if I wanna go ahead and commit to posting the mini arcs or not. I do plan on taking a significant break after Chapter 12, but that's still a bit away and this is more of an 'emergency break' type situation. Even though its not an emergency. You get the idea.

I don't wanna say for sure if I'm going to take a break cause hey, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and be like ' man those silicone fumes made me feel like the world was ending lmao' and I'll be fine but it's very much a ' we shall see' type situation. I'll still draft up the posts in case I do wanna post, but this is somewhat of a warning. I'll announce if I really am gonna take a break or not later. I'll probably still be posting regardless, but it won't be full updates or anything like that. Probably just sketches and maybe pics of the stuff I'm cooking up for this convention :)

Anyway TLDR: I MIGHT be taking a break. Hard to say right now.

EDIT: THIS IS ONLY SOMEWHAT RELATED TO THE CATHOLIC GUILT POST OKAY BUT DW I DONT FEEL TOO GUILTY FOR MAYBE NEEDING A BREAK JUST A SIDE NOTE I DONT WANNA WORRY ANYONE!

[deus-ex-mona]

up next on chapter 36 of idol sengen… _(:3 」∠)_

[nearwildheaven]

sometimes i miss being a teenage girl being obsessed with things to an unhealthy degree. like i’m still very much obsessed with certain media but i don’t think i’ll ever again be at the point of saving photos of band members to my camera roll, devoting every waking moment to seeing what they’re up to, making them my entire life. music means everything to me but i feel like i no longer have the devotion i had when i was 13

[poorslaindoll]

Homestuck Epilogue where on Earth C the kids do literally ANYTHING other than get into politics or become hermits… Part 1

So I kinda made up my own epilogue for homestuck back when I was in college… Just a thing to kinda entertain myself while sitting through the classes that didn’t apply to my major lmao. But now I’ve been out two years and what’s an unemployed 24 year old loser supposed to do with all this free time and a newfound affection for these characters? Fuckin draw them ofc! I tried rlly hard to kinda combine elements of the mspa style into my own style, but it clearly needs some work.

Basically the plot of my epilogue au/rewrite/whatever the fuck you call it is that for the first like 100 years of them being on Earth C, the kids wanted to figure themselves out and live their lives now that they were free from the game and in a world where nothing can really hold them back. Since a lot of them lived their early years in almost to complete isolation, they pretty much wanted to be involved in their new society. Tho since society had already p much developed since they skipped ahead 5000 years, they just let the people do their thing while they did their own things. The kids only rlly got involved if they rlly had to.

But then after about 100 years of doing things, all the kids just kinda went MIA and nobody knows what they’re up to. Sure Rose and Kanaya still manage the mother grub, Jane still runs her company, and sometimes you might see Dirk out behind an Earth C Denny’s at 3am, but for the most part everyone is kinda gone. Where? Only I know :)

Anyway I’m gonna do a part 2 with the surviving trolls and Calliope… eventually…

[joelscruff]

some fof related ramblings ✨️

so the other day (may 2nd) marked one whole year since i started fof and i didn't really want to draw much attention to it because i'm just so.... generally unkind to myself when it comes to this fic lmao. making a post just felt like pointing out to not only my readers but to myself that it's been a whole year since i started and yet the fic is still not complete - something my brain tells me is a massive failure on my part. which is FUCKED because i'd never think that way about anyone else's fic. i know exactly how long it can take to finish things when life is constantly throwing curveballs at you + the way creativity and inspiration is always ebbing and flowing. i get that completely, i just wish i was able to give that same understanding and kindness to myself.

i'm so appreciative of everyone who reads fof and has been so patient with me over the past year when it comes to posting. in the beginning i had just become unemployed and was unsure what direction my life was going in, so writing & posting fic was such an amazing escape and i spent SO much time dedicating myself to that creativity. then i decided to go back to school and a lot changed, for better and for worse. a lot of my time is no longer my own and my mental health took a real nosedive which will always be something i deal with regardless. i'm happy to be back at school and working towards something but it was definitely a sacrifice of creativity and because of that i still consistently feel like i'm letting people down. it doesn't come as easily to me anymore and it hurts to admit but that doesn't mean i don't still enjoy it or that i'm planning on giving up on it.

i love fof - it means so much to me and i WILL see it through to the end no matter how long it may take. same goes for all my other fic ideas & wips that that i've slowly been working on whenever my brain allows. i need to be kinder to myself and acknowledge that a year of writing a fic does not equate to a failure, it shows that despite everything i'm still here and i've still got that creativity and passion i had at the start, even if it manifests itself differently now.

tldr; one whole year of fof & i'm proud of myself 💖💖💖💖 and forever grateful to everyone who loves it just as much as i do ❤️

[patroclusdefencesquad]

i've been unemployed this month and have therefore read 17 books so here's my top three for january :

the mercies by kiran millwood hargrave

god this book is So Good. it's one of those books where there's not much happening, but it still manages to be so haunting and gripping. it's inspired by real events on a small island in 1600s norway, and the more general history of the witch trials, and the style of writing is very gritty and realistic to reflect that. all the men on this island are killed in a storm, leaving the women behind to fend for themselves, until the arrival of another man on the island, who tries to reassert control over them. it's a story about the power that men, and religion, have over women, and about love (lesbians!) and friendship. it's not a happy book, but it is incredible.

the watchmaker of filigree street/the lost future of pepperharrow by natasha pulley

this is a really gentle queer novel. the relationship between the two main characters is both the centre of the series and also not the focus of it, if that makes sense? i mean, they're both fucking idiots in the second book and there is a certain moment where i want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them, but it's very sweet, and soft, and not discussed but just There. the book itself is beautifully written, it's set in the late 1800s and i wouldn't exactly call it fantasy, but there's a hint of magic/supernatural about it (without giving away spoilers lmao). the plot detail is intricate and incredibly well thought through, and while there are a few plot choices that i wasn't a huge fan of, overall i loved this series, i raced out to get the second one as soon as i could. thaniel and keita babes i love you you're so dumb sometimes <3

more than a best friend by emma r alban

it's bridgerton but lesbians. it's literally bridgerton but lesbians what more can you want. fun soft read i adored it i need the sequel like right now

i also reread all of the magic in manhattan and associated books because i desperately needed a comfort read and god did they deliver as ever. sebastian and wesley, sunshine x asshole couple, truly top tier

[a-killer-obsession]

Wanna say real quick if you're a fanfic writer and you're looking at my page like "ohhh they hit 500 followers so fast and they have a upload schedule and post twice a week, maybe i have to post twice a week to get followers" - Stop

This turned into a whole guide for newbies so more under the cut

Please do not use me as an example! Im disabled and unemployed which means i have time to write two chapters a week, please do not put that sort of pressure on yourself!!! I only let myself have a upload schedule because i keep a small backlog of chapters, meaning i have some buffer if my health is bad or i get writers block, and as yall saw recently i will take a break if i loose that backlog. If i was forcing myself to write two chapters a week on a strict deadline i would absolutely loose my shit and probably burn out very quickly. And to be entirely honest, I haven't seen much difference in follower growth now that I have a schedule versus when I was just posting whenever I remembered to. I really don't think a schedule makes a huge difference, I just like having one because it gives me some sense of routine now that I'm unemployed.

What im trying to say, especially if you're new to posting fanfics, is please dont stress yourself out by thinking you need a strict schedule for anyone to like your fic or follow you. You shouldn't be writing for followers anyway, write for yourself! Write because YOU want to write. And if you fall out of love with that writing, dont feel like you need to force it just to make others happy! When i get burnt out writing Wavelengths, I keep going because *I* want to get to the ending, I've been excited to write it for months. Its another reason i dont start writing new long forms until i have a generic plan of where im going, which is something i highly recommend. Having a chapter you're excited to write really helps when you're trying to find motivation.

While I have you here, let me lay down some general tips for new fanfic writers, especially for those who post on tumblr:

Write because you want to write. Don't ever feel like you need to cater to someone else, that's a sure fire way to get burn out

If you do get burn out: don't worry about it, either it'll pass or it won't. Maybe you'll drop that idea all together and move to something new. Don't sweat it, write what makes you happy. Forcing yourself will only make it worse and it'll show in your writing. Writing fanfics is a hobby, it should be FUN. Sure someone might come across your fic years from now and be sad that it's not complete but they'll probably only be sad for a few days at most and then they'll forget about it. Its not a big deal. Who knows, maybe you'll find inspiration years down the line and make someone's day by randomly updating after years of hiatus. It happens 🤷

Dont worry about how much engagement your fic gets. I know absolutely incredible fics that get barely any engagement, and some frankly hard reads that have a ridiculous amount. Its all just dumb luck really. Again - write because you want to

Don't sweat typos too bad. I recommend finishing your chapter/one shot, giving it a day or so, and THEN come back to proof read. I find doing this gives me fresh eyes and I often find a lot of ways to improve the chapter while I'm fixing typos. If you accidentally leave typos in there, don't worry too much. As long as it makes enough sense for people to understand what you meant, people will still read it. Just look at the first few chapters of Wavelengths for example, they're riddled with typos from swapping from 3rd to 1st person, but people still read them (I'LL FIX THEM SOON I PROMISE LMAO)

Don't worry about being cringe. Cringe is dead, make your characters as self inserty and over powered as you want. CRINGE IS DEAD. If you think its fun to write powers and tropes that you're worried will be cringe, fuck it, write it anyway. As long as YOU have fun writing it. Do you know how many "whoops accidental pregnancy" trope fics I've written? Every single one of my long forms has either had it, or planned to, because I like that trope! I don't care if its cringe, I will continue to get my characters knocked up

Some quick accessibility things:

Please left align your fic! I've seen people posting center and right aligned because it "looks cool". These alignments should be used sparingly! As well as things like italics and different fonts/font sizes/colours! They should be used to highlight small sections only! Otherwise they can make it very difficult for people with reading difficulties to read!

If you're posting on tumblr:

Make sure the majority of your fic uses the default black font. Some people set the whole thing to a different font or the "small" font or a different colour and I literally can't read them, and it makes me so sad! I'm sure I'm not the only one with this issue! Its okay to use other fonts for things like headers and descriptions, but for the bulk of your fic use the default! Theres a graphic designer out there somewhere who spent a long time picking the best font for the body text on this website for a reason!

If your fic is longer than a few paragraphs, use the READ MORE function!!! Either cut under a description or the first few paragraphs so people get a preview of your fic. You may think it's silly to hide most of your fic, but if someone, especially on mobile, comes across your fic automatically trimmed on the fyp, and likes your stuff, and they go to your account to see more and have to scroll for a million years just to get past your newest post, they're quickly going to give up trying to read your other stuff. Using the read more function makes it easy for people to browse your blog and check out more of your works!! It also makes it more likely people will reblog for the same reason.

Along the same lines: have a masterlist. This can be as simple as a pinned post where you add a link every time you post something new. This makes it super easy for people to check out more of your work!

If you have a long form/multi chapter I also recommend going to the previous chapter and adding a "next chapter" link when you post the next one. Not 100% needed though, if you have a masterlist that can be enough on its own, people just appreciate having that next chapter link for binge reading. PUT IT AT THE BOTTOM PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING. I hate when I finish a chapter and have to scroll for a million years to get to the top for the link

Feel absolutely free to use the way I format my fics and masterlist as example, but like I said, it can literally be just as simple as a list of links. I recommend listing the links at bare minimum as the title of the fic, and the pairing people can expect (including if its nsfw is a good idea too)

Speaking of NSFW: if your work isn't suitable for minors please make that clear! Even just a 'minors DNI' at the start of the post is good! If you wanna get fancy there are lots of creators who make lovely 18+/minors dni banners you can use for free, just google it and plenty will come up. If you're not adding a cut before the NSFW content then make sure you mark the post as for mature audiences (idk how you do it on the computer because I'm mostly a mobile user but on mobile you can find it bottom right, the icon with the two people). Not appropriately censoring your posts can result in tumblr restricting and possibly banning your account.

Finally, and this one is oddly specific to people who use google docs, but you can use a copy of this google doc to automatically add all the html to your writing so you can just copy and paste it into tumblr or AO3, instead of having to manually fix all the formatting. Do not just copy and paste AO3 html into tumblr, for some reason it has major issues with italics and will cause you a major headache. Just use the linked doc, its a super time saver, I've been using it for ages now

Okay thanks for reading bye

[parageist]

the past week or so i've been obsessed with this cool game called fear and hunger 2: termina (i havent played the first one lmao) after my friend showed me it and godddd its so cool but super fuckin hard lmao (much like rain world and some of my other obsessions). this new hyperfixation will probably slow the production of the rain world mods im making and exspiravit comic page drawings BUT the game being made in RPGmaker (along with some of my other favorite games like omori, OFF, oneshot,) made me super inspired and so guess what... im finally gonna make a game >:)

and for the (zero?) exspiravit fans out there - yes, it is essentially a RPGmaker adaptation of my comic. i'll probably still continue making the original comic one day but man im just really inspired and having lots of fun fucking around in rpgmaker but id need like a musician if i wanted to make a full release exspiravit game, and that would likely require me commissioning someone, and im unemployed and so i would greatly appreciate it if anyone could donate funds onto my patreon (https://www.patreon.com/Parageist) that would be greatly appreciated :3 (though im in no state to make any promises with a gofundme, as i get easily distracted with other projects and am still balancing the work im doing for the multiple rain world mods im making with exspiravit stuff)

but yeah, i might also make some funger (fear and hunger) fanart (specifically the 2nd game cus again, i havent played the first one) in the near future once i finish the game :3

[loveislandthegame]

thoughts on today's volume...i don't even know where to begin, this sucked and i'm honestly just appalled 😭 FB somehow managed to make a reunion worse than boat party

FB is trying way too hard to make season 5 iconic, and it's just not happening. season 5 isn't bad in a camp way, it's just bad. a sensible company would've shelved that misogynistic, biphobic, & racist gaslighting-fest and apologised

and this is a major problem throughout the entire volume so i'll just condense it into one thought right here: whoever wrote this clearly doesn't understand their playerbase. absolutely nobody cares about these unemployed messy flops hooking up with eachother, sexting, cheating—shawn forcing max to sleep in the hotel foyer so he can have mechanic roleplay sex in their shared room ???—and whatever other nonsense they're doing. i was not gagged, i was gagging

i didn't take the diamond scene to upstage sophie or whatever because i don't care, but of course we're still forced to kiss somebody else that's not our partner for the sake of some corny drama. i wish MC could've walked out of this villa the moment liam decided to recommend a "kissing game," like she's not in a whole committed relationship

then we get a podcast challenge i guess . at first i was happy to see theo, only for him to immediately blow MC off because he's ... a little hurt ? even though he was fine in the last volume ? literally everyone except claudia, bea, and tyler was treating MC like garbage this entire reunion. (once again, MC doesn't have any friends . just enemies and people tryna smash)

several drawn out scenes of pure agony later, and my bby girl bella finally showed up !! she's the only saving grace of this pile of shit, and at this point i'm just glad they didn't ruin her too

(RIP to the finn girlies, at least bella & my s6 MC are happily together ❤️)

bea confessed to MC, i still picked claudia . this would've been the perfect moment for an "I love you" from your chosen LI but instead they ask to move in. Lmao

claudia my love, you deserved so much better than this reunion </3

for the first time ever i straight up skipped a group hug option, that's how you know i really was done with these mfs

i cannot find the words that could properly describe how horrible this reunion was. a complete dumpster fire of an ending to an otherwise okay-ish season. to top it all off we have confirmation that season 9 is dropping in three weeks. FB is not even giving season 8 some time to marinate, stew, simmer, or whatever. you get what i mean ? (tbh more like rot...😭)

i need a nap after this. venus out 🫡

[rebouks]

I would really like to see Vicky's thought process throughout all this, like did she think she could strong arm Tristan into being a parent or did she genuinely hope that that the baby was tristan's?

WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?!?! 🙈

Basically.. Vicky got jealous of Tilda and how much time Triss was spending with her/how willing he was to help out, so she gets this bright idea that he'll do the same for her if she were pregnant, completely ignoring the fact that he doesn't even fkin like her skdjsjdksk..

She stops taking the pill and tries extra hard to be "nice" and get Triss in bed.. but we all saw how successful that was, except the woman has needs you know.. 🙄 so ofc she sleeps around a little on the side, no big deal she thinks..

But now she's pregnant, Triss isn't happy about it after all and instead of being nice to her, he flips out, tells her she'd be a terrible mother then fucks off to Oscar's and completely ignores her.. AND she doesn't even know who the father is

She convinces herself that it MUST be Tristen's, it HAS to be.. except it's not, and now he's left her..... and since he managed to escape her for a lil while, he's also clean which is DISASTROUS because now she can't even cajole him into sticking around 😩

What was she thinking?? Uh.. she wasn't! I'd like to say she had this whole scheme planned out or smth interesting up her sleeve but she's just a fkin idiot.. she doesn't even like or want kids and deep down she KNEW Triss didn't love her so this "plan" of hers was completely ridiculous... She's right in that he would've felt some kind of duty towards the kid if it was his though, but I rlly don't think he would've stayed with her.. I actually think if it were his he'd either wanna fight for sole custody (which he'd fail miserably at cos he's an unemployed addict and her parents are posh and wealthy enough for good lawyers 😞) OR he would've suggested adoption, which her parents wouldn't have agreed with either.. and she likes to stick on their side cos.. her allowance/inheritance u kno 🙄 so either way, the outcome would've been the same.. baby stuck being brought up by grandparents

She's far too petulant to admit that she was stupid though, so she'll run crying to her parents that Triss knocked her up and left her, they'll be manipulated into feeling sorry for her and I foresee that over time, she'll leave most if not all of the parenting up to them and carry on her own merry ways without any remorse or regret...... 😬

Although.. I think her parents might be a lil sus abt her story once the baby pops out cos @akitasimblr was right and the father issss...

I'm ngl even I didn't know who the daddy was at first lmao.. but Triss got this sentiment so I think that answers our question (i also checked via mccc ahahakdksjd) 🙈

[alexxx-xx]

Hyunlix X reader FF

Living together ep. 2/?

This episode is mainly about Felix, The next will be mostly about Hyunjin

Warnings: some fluff but nothing else

NOTE: BEFORE READING THIS CHECK THE FIRST EPISODE, IT'S ON MY PROFILE

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

YN POV : there already passed two weeks since we started living together. I got to know them better and they became my best friends. Hyunjin is a fashion designer and Felix is unemployed. Wait... why am I thinking about this during class? I can't even concentrate properly because of them! Aishhhhhh

Time skips- end of classes

FINALLY IM OUT OF HEREEEEEEEEEEE

It was so tiring today... I just want to go home

Phone: ringring

Huh? Oh it's a message from Felix.

Felix :*Heyyyyy YNie are you free this afternoon? Do you mind if we go for a walk together???*

Goshhh is this an invitation for a date? Lmao

YN: * yh I'm free. Let's do it!*

Felix: * ok see ya later mate*

Ok now I should look at the road or a car will hit meh

Time skips- YN gets home ( if we can call it like that)

YN: LIXXX IM HERE PUT YO SHOES ON AND LETS GO BEFORE I CHANGE MA MIND CUZ THE SOFA LOOKS REALLY COMFY TODAY

Felix: WAIT A SEC IM IN RESTROOM

Few mins pass

YN: LMAOOOOOOO YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME YOU HAVE DIARROHEA

Felix : WHATTTTTT I DONT AND STOP SAYING SUCH THINGS

YN: OKE OKE NOW MOVE GET READYYYYYYY

Time skips- one thousand years later

Felix finally gets out of the restroom

YN: Look you took a lot to get ready and now it started raining

Felix: well we can go anyways, we only need to take an umbrella

YN: I don't think so. I forgot mine at the campus and Hyunjin has the other one.

Felix: you're so dumbbbbb

YN: what can we do now??

Felix: well I have an idea. What do you think about making brownies??? Does it sound like a good idea?

YN: Ok but I think we'll burn the whole house down

Felix: Trust me

We go into the kitchen and he takes out the ingredients

Felix: follow my guide and they will come out good

We start baking. If I think about it, I've never been so intimate with him. Usually there is also Hyunjin and we all stay together. But like this... it never happened. Gosh he's really handsome.

Felix: I know I'm beautiful but can you stop staring at me pls?

Omo he noticed. I am probably blushing like I never did...

Time skips- 15/20 mins later

Felix: ok they're ready now we have to put them in the oven. Open it pls

I do as he said then I set the timer and the temperature.

YN: what can we do now while we wait?

Felix: Uhm... do you want to watch a movie?

YN: Yh great idea

We go into the living room and turn on the television.

We start watching the movie. It's kind of boring but it is the only one on tv right now.

At first I didn't notice anything about how Felix was acting, then I realized he was scooting next to me more and more every minute.

YN: Lix do you need anything?

He starts blushing but he anyway speaks

Felix: Uhm... C-Can we Cuddle?

YN: huh?

This leaves me speechless

YN: O-Of course.. come here

He comes beside me and he's about to hug me but suddenly the timer rings

oh shoosh, why now? Well it seems like we are not supposed to have cuddles

[mgopinoon]

“all of you will cover Austin for anything? What’s the point if he’s only going to show up in projects for 15 min? You all make fun of Kaia who im not a fan of for having small roles but talk about how impactful small roles are if it’s Austin. I’m don’t with the small role thing. If he’s not going to do more and his leading roles are not coming out I’m done with him.”

Lmao at this anon. 😂😂😂😂 On top of the fact they have not clue wtf they are talking about in regard to Austin’s career they are forgetting the biggest difference between Austin and Kaia. Austin is extremely talented and is able to pull off small roles as much as big roles. This anon is just going to ignore the fact that this man is an Oscar nominated actor as well as a Golden Globe winner? All because they think he needs to be in more lead roles?? And because there’s no concrete confirmations yet equates to him being unemployed??? A 15 min part in a film is not worthy just because it’s not a lead part???LMAO!!! I can’t even!!! This person sounds ignorant af and if they feel the need to “be done” with Austin just because they think he’s not doing what they want him to do, then good riddance. Austin doesn’t need entitled ignorant individuals like this one as a fan.

I feel like there are people who have to rethink whether they are really Austin fans, I am surprised by the comparisons and pessimism that some have towards his career.

[i-restuff]

lil vent. nothing too serious,

mhmh, I'm at that phase where I'm not satisfied with everything I do right now

I'm a workaholic and a perfectionist, while also having untreated adhd, avpd, depression that's been going on for a long time now. it's hard to manage things, especially with myself. it's very unhealthy.

I generally never like myself besides my ability to draw cute funky things. instead of just making it as a hobby, I became attached to the logic where I can't live without drawing. I never really see bad things about it though, but some people did mention how it affects me mentally.

I also love being online. I don't think I'm addicted? but more so depending on it (idk if that makes sense lmao). basically, I just like the idea of people having an interest in me and/or my drawings. I don't think I have anyone who would willing to take a glance at me irl, not that I don't have friends, most people in my life are just not emotionally open with each other. it's an icky situation pfff.

so anyway, lately, my perfectionism has been kicking me left and right which become more annoying and less fun for me to draw. I have so much stuff that I wish I could doodle, but at the same time, It'll drain me. I also feel like I act like a desperate person just to get some interactions online, while it really is just loneliness. avpd does that to you lkdjjkdasl.

I have a history of being cooped out inside, alone; no friends no family, in a different new city for around 6 months. it was still covid time, and I was only able to go outside less than 10 times. it's kinda traumatizing?

sighhh idk, I'm rambling. my break is literally just "being online". I don't have time to go outside, let alone friends to hang out with. we're living in different cities and I just moved out while currently also unemployed. my last resort would be my acquaintances. but we're all so different, so it's hard to adjust.

my current situation wasn't as bad as that one, but it triggers me in some way. so hhhhhhhhhhhhh

Idk what I'm talking about anymore, BUT, all these ramblings are really just me venting about whether I should take an online break or not. I feel like, both are just as torturing lmao.

wish me luck ig. I'm going to have interviews and presentations in the next few days, at least that could distract me.

forgive me for my long and confusing vent. I can't afford professional help, so tumblr it is <3 (no need to reply though, no pressure. I just need a place to write.)

[the-kipsabian]

so heres the gist of it

im unemployed

that should be the end of it lmao. unfortunately its not

on top of that, i live in one of the cheapest single bedroom apartments in the entire city. and yet according to new rulings that started this spring, im paying 12 euros too much for rent to be considered for the full amount of financial help that i should be able to get to help pay for it, which delays my paperwork every single time i apply for this benefit (thats high key crucial for my survival as, again, im unemployed as fuck) and they keep insisting i need to look for a cheaper apartment (which is impossible, there literally isnt any in this whole city and if there is, they are so sought after at this point people nab them immediately so...) or i might lose most of those benefits in the future. so thats fun

but i cant move cause i cant afford a more expensive place cause 1. im still unemployed as fuck and 2. they wouldnt approve of my paperwork cause even higher rent would be against their rules and the cost limit they are enforcing so...

ive been trying to get a job for a well over a year and a half now. nobody is hiring even tho a lot of people are looking. it always comes down to either being in a location i cant get to (cause its too far and i dont have a car or the hours are so inconsistent i cant make it without a car, usually) or just not being good enough with my skillset or whatever the fuck. it always goes to someone else and its been like that for months now so.. yeah, im kinda stuck with that too

HOWEVER the city has decided to add another fucking wrench into my entire situation since remember, im 1. unemployed as fuck, 2. i dont own a car, or even have a license for that matter, to move around everywhere, and 3. the government is actively trying to get me to move into a cheaper apartment that simply does not exist in this city ffs or they might cut my benefits or at least delay all my payments with taking ages with the added paperwork cause of that :)

so now? they have completely destroyed the bus schedules to my part of the city. nothing moves in or out of here past half six on the evening on weekdays anymore. even worse, on weekends nothing goes past two in the afternoon. which is.. ridiculous. that means that if you work evening shifts, tough shit youre not getting home unless you bike or walk (which isnt exactly a valid option with winter coming soon and lasting for like 75% of the year lmao), youre not getting to morning shifts if they start at 7am cause nothing moves from here before that, god speed if you work on the weekends cause youre really not moving from here or to here almost at all since the schedules were already horrendous and now theyve cut at least three or four drives from that sssssooooooooo

basically what this means is that it cuts my possibilities for jobs i can apply and accept a RIDICULOUS amount. any normal retail job would ask you to be able to work both morning, day and evening shifts; i literally cant do two of those anymore which ofc limits my chances dramatically as someone they would consider hiring. work on weekends? yeah i was already on the fence for it since my saturdays are usually hangout days but i was willing to make sacrifices but knowing i wouldnt be able to work past half two? yeah again, limits my chances so much on being hired

which means. im already struggling to get a job. now with this new schedule they are limiting me so much more on what i can go for and what i can be hired for so i can actually cover any shifts on anything ever. which in turn means im not gonna have that money i need to pay for a bigger apartment. which means im not gonna be able to move. which means im stuck with these schedules. which means im limited in what jobs i can apply and get even considered to be hired for. which means....

you see the issue? you know why im fucking upset and mad and angry and sad and i actually had a screaming crying fit last night cause i cant fucking handle this shit and how inconsidered this whole fucking thing is to literally everyone?? the people who changed the bus scheduling said its cause of the lack of customers (which isnt even true and they compared summer numbers to winter numbers which fucking LMAO ofc people use the busses less during the summer when they can bike or scoot about so much easier. and most of them are not even in town anyways for their vacations so) but also its important to note that i live in the part of town where theres a lot of families and old people and the lack of cars and kids moving around here from school to back is actually very big and yet. YET

im just.. sorry. i needed to get this out. cause its utterly ridiculous and im now stuck in this fucking cycle and i dont know what to do. im gonna send an application for any potential open apartments to the firm i rent from right now since they cover the entire city and have basically the cheapest places here so that maybe i can get something offered to me if anything frees within the next year or so. apart from that i have no idea what to do. i have no desire or money to get a license, let alone a whole ass fucking car, i get anxiety just thinking about driving. im just stuck here, in this goddamn loop that just somehow got worse as i discovered this whole bus scheduling issue last night. and i really dont know how to break it with how these things are all affecting each other

i left the city some feedback about this and got my friends to do it too since we are all fucking mad about this but.. unless they get a noticeable amount of it, i doubt they'll be doing anything about it, or at least not very fast so. im just stuck and im fucked and im upset and im angry and i needed to get this out im sorry if you read this whole thing im just. im going to fucking explode

[stars-n-spice]

Ask game! 6, 20, 30, 38 pls 🌑

Of course! Thank you for sending the ask :D

6: Which Batcher would you want to be your coworker at your irl job?

I am unfortunately unemployed,, lmao. Technically a full-time student and a housemaid so if we're going off that then I would say I'd want Echo to be my 'coworker' because I think he'd be more than willing to give a helping hand (or scomp, lol) when and if I should need it. But if we're talking like what I hope to be doing in the future which is whatever thing that has to do with screenwriting, teaching, or creative writing; I'm going with Tech. I think Tech and I would get along very well because we're both on the spectrum and we could just like parallel play and be cool with just that.

20: Which Batcher has the 'weirdest' taste in music?

Unrelated note, Echo is a k-pop fan and I'll die on this hill (and he's a Broadway fan). I think the person who has the 'weirdest' taste in music is probably Tech and I say 'weirdest' in the sense that he will listen to whatever genre. He simply does not care. You shuffle his liked songs and you feel like you're having a stroke. It's a mix of old dad rock that Hunter and Wrecker enjoy, it's the punk and emo shit Crosshair listens to, there's some old/first-gen K-pop in there, he listens to Los Panchos and Vicente Fernández. County? Sure, why not? He's a big fan of Beyoncé. He knows all the words to Rap God. He listens to Broadway songs and game OSTs. Omega makes him listen to those fan songs of video games. Catch him crying and listening to Mitski at 3 am in the morning. I could go on and on.

30: Tell me a random headcannon you have about Omega.

A random headcanon I have about Omega is that she has a good night routine. Like the book "Goodnight Moon" before she hits the hay she says goodnight to anything and everything. Of course she starts out with her brothers–"Good night Hunter. Good night Echo. Good night Tech. Good night Wrecker."–Then she goes on her personal items and Gonky–"Good night Lula. Good night trooper. Good night Gonky."–Then the ship and surrounding things–"Good night Marauder. Good night stars. Good night planets."–and then when everything is said and done and everything is silent she'll stare out into space and whisper, "Good night Crosshair."

38: What color do you associate with each Batcher?

Ooh, this is a fun one! Honestly, my answers are super basic, but eh. For Hunter, it's red, mainly because he's the squad leader and one of the main colors of the squad is red so automatically he gets that. While he does look good in teal, I think red's his color. For Echo it's a deep blue, mainly because of his time spent with the 501st but also because it's a calming color and Echo is just someone you'd want to be around to feel calm and safe. For Wrecker it's yellow; the color I associate with any positive/bubbly character for obvious reasons, but also it's my sister's favorite color and she's the sweetest person ever so I think it's a fitting color. It's a warm color and I'm sure he gives warm hugs <3 For Tech it's oranges/browns. Typically I tend to associate purple with 'smart' characters because of Donatello from TMNT, but orange/brown is just a more fitting color for Tech and I can't really describe why. Maybe it's the s2 armor? For Crosshair it's green because of his Imperial armor and I guess also because it symbolizes growth? In a sense? Also it's not one of my favorite colors, lol. For Omega, I associate her with teal colors. Something like the ones on her outfit from S1 but also because I love her so much and teal is my favorite color as well.

Here is the ask list if ya'll want to send me more asks ^^

[hel7l7]

hey there, been following you for quite a while now and never told you that your art just... hits really hard, right where it should. I'm struggling with bpd as well, and I want to ask you, but I don't even know what would I ask. I just feel so disconnected from everything right now, especially people, and I need someone who understands so I want to think you're the person who understands. anyway. how does it feel? how do you deal with it? is your skin ever comfortable? do you ever know how to talk to other people without thinking and feeling too much? do you know how to talk to yourself and not feel like a stranger? what does feeling feel like? do you think you'll ever be able to love yourself exactly for what you are? do you ever just need to lay down on the ground and tell yourself as much times as it takes for you to believe it that there are moments beyond this one (and this, too, shall pass)?

sorry if this is a bit incoherent and too much... I just need to ask. sending lots of love your way

Dear anon, I hope you still see this even though my reply came a little late. My heart goes out to you. Because I understand your questions, I feel you. I really do. I hope you feel a little less alone in it all knowing that I���m here, rooting for you. If I can make these little steps in the healing process, then so can you. You’ve got this. Stay strong. <3

The whole bpd diagnosis is a wild ride. How do I deal with it? Through art. Through therapy. Through talking with friends. Through trial and error. 

I don’t really talk about this very often, but I’m unemployed and unable to work or go to school at the moment. So I deal with it but I'd love to be able to do more… Every time I try to pick something up I often end up finding out it is too much for me and ends me in crisis. (note: all of this is currently more bcs of my ptsd than my bpd) It’s a process of trying and figuring it out. I believe I'll get there, it has been better at times, and it has been worse at times. Currently I’m working a very very low level “job” that I really like. Which is going quite alright so far. It’s only a few hours every week but it is better than nothing.  Please note that I’m not happy with this situation, I would love to be able to work or go to school. My country has a pretty well working system in which I’m glad to be able to rely on resources when I’m not well enough to support myself financially. 

Is my skin every comfortable?  Yes. It never was before. But it has become easier. It really has become easier. I feel everything deeply still. The good and the bad. But it does get easier. I’ve grown more accustomed to my own needs and that really helps. You’re not less worthy or less of a person because you have bpd. Bpd often stems from trauma/childhood/the past. Figuring out where my behavior was coming from helped me find better ways to cope. 

Do you ever talk to other people without thinking or feeling too much?  No. Lmao. I wish I could give you another answer. And I think this might be different maybe for other people with bpd. ( I mean I’m only one person so it’s not like my answers are The Answers. Everyone has a different experience. )

For me, interpersonal contact is the hardest part. Always has been and maybe it always will be. I’ve become better at not acting on my thoughts and feelings. I’m often just very scared or anxious about things. But tuning out to those thoughts and focusing on other things (distraction) works very well for me when it comes to the anxiety around it. 

But there’s much more about this subject I could explore. I think my whole journal-art-chaos-page just comes down to me struggling with connection/people/myself. 

How do you know how to talk to yourself and not feel like a stranger?  By practice. By endless practice. Tell yourself the things you’d tell a friend. Sometimes when I’m very overwhelmed I try to imagine someone I love or someone I look up to sitting next to me and try to imagine what they would say to me. Or I ask myself what I’d say to a friend in a similar situation. Getting that kind-spoken dialogue going in my head often helps me set an example for how to talk to myself and help myself through this situation. 

What does feeling feel like?  It’s the best and the worst at the same time. I feel the highest highs and the lowest lows. Maybe this is different for everyone but I’ve always loved it. When I was on antidepressants for a while I got very frustrated because I couldn’t feel the way I was used to. I experience intense love, happiness, awe, every positive feeling you can think of. And much of the time that counteracts the deep lows. 

Do you ever think you’ll love yourself exactly as you are?  Yes. I’ve come to realize there’s no other way. I can push myself to be someone I’m not but it does never really change who I am. Even then I’ll still be myself, trying to be someone else. Which never actually stops me from being me. 

I struggle with this. Sometimes I don’t want to be who I am. This mostly comes down to me not wanting to accept that shitty things happened to me. I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to face those things. 

But in the end I can do whatever I want but I’ll never be someone other than myself. I can fight myself and keep pushing all my feelings down, I can neglect myself, hurt myself, hate myself, I can do all these negative hateful things towards myself. It will never change me. It will never make me someone else. 

So what else is there to do? 

I’ve tried neglecting myself. Never made me happier. I can’t do that to myself anymore. I’m who fought for me the hardest. In the end I was the one who was always there. I was the one who tried to survive when I thought I couldn’t.

Loving myself makes my life easier. And it’s a ride. I don’t love myself all of the time. And I still struggle to accept parts of myself that I wish were different. But I mostly wish I was able to give myself more love earlier. I mostly wish I hadn’t had to go through all that pain. I wish I never felt like I had to hurt myself to survive. ( Inner child work did help me with this a bit.) 

do you ever just need to lay down on the ground and tell yourself as much times as it takes for you to believe it that there are moments beyond this one (and this, too, shall pass)?

YES. All the time. It is very overwhelming to live in a world so intense while feeling everything so intensely. The good thing is that till now every moment I’ve ever thought I couldn’t go on, I still did. I still could go on. Even when I thought I couldn’t. 

The hard moments do pass. In the end everything will always keep changing. The good, the bad. It is all temporary. Which is the only fact we have. But it does get easier to deal with it all. 

It really fucking does. 

16 year or 18 or 20 year old me wouldn’t believe where I’m at now in this all. There’s much more steps to take, but I’ve also come from very far. 

Dear anon, I hope you still see this even though my reply came a little late. My heart goes out to you. Because I understand your questions, I feel you. I really do. I hope you feel a little less alone in it all knowing that I’m here, rooting for you. If I can make these little steps in the healing process, then so can you. You’ve got this. Stay strong. <3