#what eating disorder is 'im hungry and i want to eat but all food looks nasty all the sudden'

[bunnihearted]

🤧🐀🌧️🌊

[nomairuins]

i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.

[hylianengineer]

I just want to draw tender hand holding but unfortunately my brain said no.

[overtail]

hii can i request you weite zuko x chubby/plus sized reader? specifically just general dating headcanons (and possibly some smut hcs if you feel like writing that). id prefer a gender neutral reader but im not very picky about that type of thing. i love ur writing btw!!

ONG TY FOR THAT! Exposing myself here but I'm actually a chubby person (lore drop im not a girl) so this is very heartwarming for me :33

...

Zuko Headcannons - Dating a Chubby/Plus-Sized Reader

this is not meant to romanticize eating disorders

meeting you ִֶָ 𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

-when you walked into the tea shop, he thought you were the most beautiful person hes ever seen

-'hey uncle, i can serve them'

-immediately wanted to talk to you

-he was extremely nervous, acting like a lost turtleduck

-'what? jas..jasmine tea! oh yeah.'

-gave you an extra cookie

-always waves to you when you come in

-was excited when iroh told him that you asked where Zuko was when he was sick at home

-you're his favorite customer

-'Lee. My name's Lee.'

knowing you ִֶָ 𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

-after a while, Iroh hired you at the Jasmine Dragon when he got the shop

-you and zuko became very close

-you two had sleepovers at his and iroh's shared apartment

-iroh would make you guys sleep in the livingroom

-loved the way your waiter uniform hugged your curves

-would make you food all the time, even when you insisted you werent hungry

-protective whenever you served boys your age

-you came with him and iroh to serve tea at the palace to the king

-'zuko? you're the prince of the fire nation?'

-you werent as angry as he thought you would be

-you were locked up with him and katara in the catacombs

-came with him when he chose to fight alongside azula

dating him (royalty) ִֶָ 𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

-when zuko started living in the palace again, he immediately offered for you to live with him

-a week later, he confessed

-he told you how you were the most gorgeous person he's ever seen

-how you looked like a painting from the renaissance

-held you close at night when you two slept

-assigned a special place in the palace for your special interests

-noticed when you stopped eating much

-tried to offer you as much food as possible

-was confused when he saw you throwing up after dinner

-'(y/n)? did you get food poisoning?'

-consoled you when you started crying about your body

-'it's the one i imagined in my dreams.'

-🔞kissed your arms, your neck, your stomach and your thighs

-he loved seeing your stretch marks

-🔞seeing you naked for the first time was a dream come true

dating him (redemption) ִֶָ 𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

-you refused to let him go work with the avatar without you

-was there when he told ozai about wanting to be better

-comforted him when he learned the truth about his mom

-helped him create his introduction to the gaang

-'hello, zuko here!' *you laugh*

-fully defended him when nobody trusted him

-got angry when katara called you a traitor too

-cooked you lots of food while camping out

-always worshipping your body whenever alone

dating him (firelord) ִֶָ 𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

-immediately proposed to you after his coronation

-🔞got busy as soon as you guys got in your room on your wedding night

-loved getting clothes that hugged your body

-you were always there with him

-'what do mean they shouldn't be in this meeting?

-did anything to make you happy

-got you an extra cookie whenever you wanted a meal to remind you of when you guys first met

-very possesive of you

-beat the shit out of a soldier that made a rude comment about your body

[orange-catsidy]

cw disordered eating

ive always intermittently struggled with disordered eating habits sometimes due to my mom's views on 'bad' food + neurodivergent executive dysfunction + excessive stinginess + all the usual stuff from Living In A Society but ive never wanted to, and never really had to, think about it that much because obviously, society is kinder to ppl disordered towards a lower height than a higher one. it was easy to find reasons why i didn't feel like eating and a lot of times those reasons were true - im too tired and unfocused to cook, nothing in the fridge looks appetizing, i dont feel hungry anyway. i dont think i was consciously trying to lose weight. maybe. i cant remember actively thinking about it. no, that's a lie. i just dont want to. but for some reason when i was getting ready to shower today i really focused on myself in the mirror and realized my ribs have become prominent in an honestly gross way. my shoulders and arms too. i draw and look at pictures of people a lot. i watch pro wrestlers constantly. i know what strong, healthy bodies look like and i dont look like that right now. it was scary to suddenly realize that id dropped to an actually unhealthy weight, but what was scarier is that i could tell some tiny part of myself felt pleased. ive never been more aware of how easy it would be for me to slip off that ledge. i didnt know i was standing that close

[straighttxhell]

i have to be honest, i am struggling a lot with eating disorders, been like this for years but lately it's gotten... more frequent, easier

i don't think about it every time im hungry, i try to ignore it as much as i can until i start getting angry, and when i do eat i try to eat something low calorie, and convince myself that it's enough for the rest of the day

im bruising easily again, im always tired and constantly sleeping

i dont like my body, i am desperate to see more progress than with my diet and exercise and it's gotten easier and easier to stop eating

and frankly, there's one thing i saw that made me re-think it, i saw someone talking about the physical effects it had on their body, like heart failure, infertility, anemia, etc etc

like actual physical effects and idk i just dont think its worth it to risk your bodys health over its image... like yes youre thin but all your organs are failing?? yes i look hot but i will pass out if go up a flight of stairs

anyway it's the thing that made me eat like a person today, i hope it helps someone else, motivates anyone to maybe eat a little more even if its just for today, it's easy to think you're in control and it's hard to try to get better cause most times we don't want to get better, but maybe just try for today

if not for self-love at least for health cause that's what's making me think twice about my decisions, evem if it was just for today, but today i didnt listen to the little voices in my head and decided to get some actual food inside me

[elegantcherryblossomsheep]

an open letter to anyone early in a restrictive ed

Dear sufferer

Note that I started this letter with sufferer. You are not succeeding. You are suffering. And I know this, because well, of course there are fantastic feelings associated with having anorexia. Theres the excitement of losing weight, of feeling your body shrink, of feeling in control. But I know that really, deep down, what you’ve started isn’t making you happy.

What do I mean by that? Well honestly, the early days of an ED are such a rush. But it doesn’t take long for the bad things to start popping up. You start to feel isolated, and not only do you feel that way, but you want to feel that way. Because if you’re alone no one can stop you. Because you don’t need friends. You have anorexia, and she’s your friend.

And things only get worse. Believe me. You start to feel intense fear. It’s not control. It’s not discipline. It starts that way, sure, but then it morphs into an uncontrollable terror, where the mere sight of food petrifies you and the thought of eating paralyses you, you shake and struggle at every meal. The control you had over food becomes control food has over you. And this suffering is made even more intense by the fact that deep down, you’re hungry. You want food, it tastes delicious, and it brings a level of mental stimulation nothing can compete with. I really do think I became addicted not only to fearing food, but to eating it while afraid.

And this decline may only take 2 weeks, or a month or two. But the process of building yourself back up again can take years. I’ve been levitating between recovery and relapse for the last 2 years, unable to pick a side, grit my teeth and get to it. That’s the other torture of it. The constant uncertainty about what you want. Because on some level you want to recover. You want to eat with freedom, to make peace with your body. But the eating disorder wants to get louder, stronger, it lures you in with promises. You’ll feel amazing.

But do you? You reach a milestone and for a moment, you’re euphoric. You’re getting thinner, you’re losing weight, you’re strong, powerful, special. Remember that special, we’ll come back to it. But think about the moment after the success. The way you’re instantly thinking of the next goal. Nothing is ever enough. I reached out for help at my goal weight, because I knew right then, I wasn’t satisfied. I could see the slippery slope. Maybe you have a plan: ‘ill eat to maintenance at my goal weight. I’ll have my dream body; I’ll want to show it off!’

Spoiler alert: you won’t. You’ll hide it even more because you’re still not fucking happy with it. And you’ll be afraid that if anyone sees how unwell you look, they’ll force you to eat more. Not only that, you’ll be too cold to wear shorts or crop tops, you’ll be cold all the time. You won’t have the energy to go out in the first place, all you’ll want to do is sleep and scroll and go for inordinately long walks. It’s not a life, the life of an active ED. It’s the most depressing, isolating thing I have ever experienced.

And you tell yourself, that’s ok. When I reach my goal weight if im not happy I’ll  just gain it back.

Like hell you won’t. Either you’ll think ‘Ok, I just have to lose a little more, and then I will be happy’. But you won’t. And eventually if you’re lucky, you’ll turn to recovery at some point. You’ll try to eat more, but you’ll panic. You’ll have nightmares of full plates of food, sitting in front of you, knowing you’ll eat them. The process of eating more, gaining weight… It’s tough. Almost impossible to do alone. So maybe you’ll find yourself in hospital. You’ll be forced to eat 6 meals a day, to face that fear. You want be allowed to exercise, you’ll be even more isolated from your friends and family. You’ll wonder why you ever fell down the slippery slope into a pit of despair that’s so hard to get out of.

Or maybe you won’t… and that’s ok, it makes you strong, you’re still sick. I remember spending the first 6 months of my anorexia feeling like I wasn’t sick enough to recover because I’d never had an admission. To be fair, after my first admission I did commit to recovery for a while, but it didn’t last. My admission didn’t make me sick enough. It didn’t  give me permission to eat. Sure, it made me less sick, but it wasn’t a badge of honour.

And still I didn’t feel sick enough. I started thinking – ‘ok. I need a medical admission and a nasogastric tube’. Here I am, in that very position. I don’t feel sick enough. The tube hurts all the time. I just want to go home

I think an element of it is that my ED, being sick, being in hospital and needing countless admissions… it all made me feel special. I felt noticed, loved and cared for. Maybe I didn’t feel that way enough growing up, so I snatched up the one way I could think of to get attention – making myself sick. However, this isn’t the way I wanted to be seen. To watch my family as they watched me get sick, to see their pain and anxiety and worry, was torture. I feel immense guilt every day for the distress I have put them through over the last 2 years, and to know I make the choice to keep putting them through that.

It's not just family and friendship that it hurts, either. I was in a relationship for 2 years. I lost her, because she couldn’t bear to deal with my ED any more. My antidepressants (for depression sparked by my restriction) killed our sex life and my anorexia made her, with her own ED, more worried and more unwell. I had to let go of someone who made me so happy because I made her so sad.

But there’s an elephant in the room I haven’t mentioned, mainly because I don’t think I’ve internalised it, don’t think I believe it. And that is that at the end of the day, you might die. When I was diagnosed, my heart was struggling. When I was purging, I was disturbing my electrolyte levels. It may all seem like a bit of fun, but at the end of the day, 15% of people with our condition will die at it’s hand. And I don’t want to be one of them. Nor do I want you to be.

I know that recovery helps. I’ve been there. With the nutrition, your brain function comes back. Your relationships get better. Your family calm down and start to trust you again. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but it’s a small price to pay to not only stay alive, but to actually live.

So, I implore you, just think about it. Make a list of everything you value in your life and realise that if you let your ed get worse, you will lose it all.

Good luck.

[my-ch3mic4l-imb4l4nc3]

Dear Diary,

Living with an eating disorder is not glamourous at all. Its not fun. at. all.

It doesnt even make sense half of the time. 

it derives for a bunch of issues that dont even have anything to do with food, eating or even how you look, but it kinda takes you there.

My thing usually starts with being angry, with myself, my mom, life, whatever, so i en up not eating to, punish?, me, my mom, or whatever.

At the same time, its kind of a source of comfort. I dot have control over most of the things in m life, but i can control what i eat, when i eat. if eat.

Eating scares me sometimes.

Im scared that my body is going to change, that ill get fat and ill end up hating myself worse.

Seeing really skinny people, eating disorder or not, triggers me so much and it makes me feel fat and like i dont want to eat.

feeling hungry feels comfortable sometimes.

Im constantly bodychecking, consciously or not. mostly at night, but sometimes in ways that are not obvious to people who dont know about that kind of stuff.

Sometimes i look in the mirror and i see myself as fat, sometimes i look and i see myself as anorexic thin.

Sometimes i feel like more than half of my medical issues might be related to my weight or whatever.

Theres like a million things going on in my head and having fairly unrestricted access to the internet as a child and young teen probably didnt help me much.

i also have a lot of issues with food, as in most of the times i dont enjoy eating because of the food, if i dont like the texture or the flavour or whatever, i just stop feeling hungry for hours until i go to sleep without eating or whatever.

my comfort foods are not healthy foods.

Im scared of eating and still being hungry and that when it happens i just keep eating and my stomach will grow and i will have to eat more and then get fat.

idk how to end this, because i feel like I haven't really said everything, but whatever.

-me

[growandrecover]

i don’t know how to cope with my weight gain. I’ve gained so much weight and i feel like im constantly gaining more. Clothes from two summers ago don’t fit anymore. A pair of jeans that were loose on me fit now. I’m afraid it’s not going to stop. Im afraid I’ll just keep gaining weight. Im afraid im eating too much. Im afraid im doing something wrong by eating at all. Im afraid to stop exercising because it makes me feel worse about food. Im afraid im never going to get better and im afraid I don’t deserve to get better and im afraid im doing it wrong and I feel disgusting and uncomfortable and I don’t like feeling hungry and i don’t like feeling full and I don’t know how much I’m supposed to eat in a day and no one listens to me when I say im afraid im eating too much because they all think I’m still under eating but what if they’re wrong because they don’t know what I eat in a day and what if I keep gaining weight and it doesn’t stop I don’t want to have to replace my clothes im sorry for the rant Im having a hard time

I'm just now seeing this ask, and I'm so, so sorry! I hope you're okay, anon. Please forgive me <3

I know exactly how you feel, I really do. Here is a gentle reminder that we are not meant to fit into the clothes, they are meant to fit us. Something that helps me with these thoughts is this: I started my eating disorder when I was 16 years old. I'm 19 now, and my body is no longer the same as it was when I was 16. I look back on myself before my ed, and wish that I hadn't done what I did, but I wouldn't look like that regardless. I'm not sure how old you are, but our bodies change naturally as we get older. Even if you were only in your ed for a few months, your body could have possibly changed anyways. 14/15 year old me would not have looked the same as I do now, even without the ed, because that's how our bodies work. I won't look the same in my mid 20s, either, and that's okay.

It seems like you're still practicing some ed behaviors out of fear, and let me tell you (as someone who did the exact same thing), it won't make anything better for you. Exercise in itself is beneficial to your body, but not when you're doing it in the way we do. Not eating enough and working out is only going to delay your recovery. If you can, maybe try to limit your exercise until you can practice it in a healthy way.

I know it's hard, but if I were you, I'd listen to the people around you, especially if they don't have eds or disordered eating. If they have a healthy relationship with food, they can look at you (like they're doing) and be able to tell you honestly that you're not eating enough. Try to trust them. Your eating disorder will tell you they're lying, but they're not. You can eat freely.

Unfortunately, sometimes feeling uncomfortable and disgusting is part of recovery. We've gotten used to the way our body looks when we're hurting it, and now that we're trying to get better, we may not look the same. I felt so hideous and gross for so long, but it does get better. This ask was sent a few months ago (and again, I'm so sorry), so I hope you're doing better now.

Your weight gain will eventually come to an end, once your body can trust you again and can hold on to the weight.

And again, unfortunately, you may have to replace your clothes. But as I mentioned earlier, they're just clothes. Even if they're some of your favorite things you own, you'll find new favorites. Please don't try to maintain your lower weight to fit into your clothes. It's just fabric, and the sizes are all a joke anyways.

I really hope you're doing well, and I apologize again for taking so long to answer this. Wishing you the best of luck in your recovery, anon. You can do this. <3

[fatfables]

Fat People Can Sing Too (Part 5)

Parts one to four available below.

Ben had a roaring headache. A bell boy helped him up, gave him six ibuprofen, and walked with him to his room. “By the way, you should probably look at this morning's paper,” he said. Ben opened the door and David was already there sitting on the sofa, a pile of morning papers, tabloids and broadsheets, in front of him. Ben wondered if David had stayed in his room overnight but didn’t ask. “Brian will be here soon, we’ll start then,” was all he said. Ben felt sick, he thumped onto the bed with such force that David thought it might break. This reminded him, “While we wait for Brian I’ll order you breakfast, you must be starving with that hangover!”

David was right, hangovers did make Ben really hungry. He wolfed down the two English breakfasts and was working his way through fifteen syrup drenched pancakes when Brian arrived. “I’m glad to see that you’re still fixated on winning…,” he said, looking at Ben who was greedily gulping down the sugar intense breakfast treats, sticky tree syrup running down his big round double chin. “...But I fear it may be in vain. I think you blew it last night.” Ben was alarmed by Brian’s dour demeanour; he was normally so positive. Aggressive, but positive. He wondered what he could possibly have done so wrong to blow his own chances. He felt a small tear welling up in his left eye. He had been so close to being famous.

David showed Ben one of the red-top papers, “Ben Sherman is a fat lazy alcoholic!” The fat on Ben’s face crumpled up into a never before seen shape. What? He was so confused. He protested loudly that this was bullshit and that they needed to sue the paper, sue the reporter, sue anybody! He had never been an alcoholic, yes he liked to drink, but that wasn’t the same! Was it?

“Can’t we use this addiction for sympathy?” said David, hopefully. “Don’t be such a fucking moron!” Brian screamed at him. “No one feels fucking sorry for alcoholics! Everyone thinks it’s there own fucking fault!”. His face was bright red. He started to prance about the room; “How could someone do that to themselves?” “No wonder he can’t get a job!” He was putting on different women's voices and waving his arms about in an effeminate manner. “His liver will blow soon if he doesn’t stop.” “I don’t know why he doesn’t just stop?” “Just don’t drink so fucking much.” He stopped prancing and stared at Ben, who had stopped eating to watch him. “That’s what they’ll fucking say! They’ll blame you, say it’s your own fault. No one pities alcoholics. No one fucking likes them!” He put a woman's voice back on again, “Why doesn’t he just drink less?”

“Because, he’s got a binge eating disorder,” said David. Brian looked at him and smiled. “No, I fucking don’t,” said Ben through a mouthful of pancakes. “That’s the first smart thing you’ve said today,” said Brian. Ben was confused. He hadn’t realised that Brian had aimed his comment at David.

Ben had never liked the binge eating disorder angle. It was disingenuous. Lying about being diabetic had been bad enough, now they wanted him to double down on the dishonesty. He believed that making up such lies only took advantage of people who really had to deal with such issues. He put this point to David later that afternoon but David had won the argument by saying that he did have a binge eating disorder. Ben vehemently argued that he didn’t and that the whole weight gain idea had been against his initial wishes. David countered by pointing out that Ben had eaten three large battered cods, a large portion of chips, two tubs of mushy peas, and four jumbo sausages for lunch. And that anyone who could do that whilst proclaiming that they didn’t have a binge eating disorder was clearly delusional, hence proving that they did in fact have a disorder. Ben had no comeback to this so he just sat sulking on his bed in a depressive manner for over an hour until David brought him two tubs of Phish Food. This cheered him up immensely.

The first part of Brian’s plan was to issue the denials. It was important that even if no one believed them - yet, that they at least made it clear that the reports were wrong. Two days later he arranged a press conference for Ben to explain in his own words what had happened. Ben explained that the stress of the competition had really been getting to him and that he eats when he is stressed. Yes he also likes a drink at times, but not normally to excess, and certainly not everyday. He admitted to having ‘self-control’ issues since his Grandma had passed and that this made the effects of his diabetes worse at times. The combination of too much food, stress, and yes alcohol, on this occasion, had caused him to have an attack and collapse. This was due to his diabetic condition and it was totally irresponsible of the press to jump to false conclusions about alcoholism when in reality he had a disease that was in no way his own fault. The housewives of Facebook and X (formerly known as Twitter) ate it up.

The next day the Daily Mirror and four other papers printed redactions and apologies in an attempt to save face in front of the reader backlash. They had besmirched the housewives hero and were forced to repent. “That’s at least 300,000 more sympathy votes,” Brian had said.

The second part of the plan was to finally admit to the binge eating disorder live on air after Ben had won the semi-final. It was to be the key component of his victory interview in order to garner more votes in the grand final. To make the whole story believable it was now imperative that Ben continued to gain weight. As much as was humanly possible. David was relishing the challenge. They had three days.

Ben ate masses of McDonalds, buckets of Burger King, and colossal amounts of KFC. He had Wagamama’s once, Nando’s twice, and a ton of Taco Bell thrice. His belly kept swelling and he felt constantly full. But he kept overeating anyway. He had Pizza Hut, Dominoes, and Papa Johns. He drank coca-cola, pepsi-cola, tango, and Dr Pepper. But no more beer. He ate piles of pasta with mountains of mushrooms, and loads of lingonberry jam with his meatballs. He gulped down generous portions of profiteroles, pavlovas, and pasties. His hunger grew with his girth. It was now a must to eat more macaroni, mackerel, and macaroons. He needed to have more nuggets, nutella, and noodles. He gobbled it all down into his ballooning belly. His gluttony knew no bounds. His thighs grew thicker. His ass grew wider. His breasts grew broader. He bloated his belly bigger and bigger and bigger. David bought him new clothes, again. While he stayed in and ate apple pies and ice cream, baked alaskas with extra cream, and milkshakes with full fat cream. God, how he now loved cream! He crammed it all into his mouth, he couldn’t wait to feel it all in his belly. His stomach strained and heaved. It was so heavy. He was so heavy. 

[unpurposed-organism]

Posting about my bad eating habits

Ive had trouble eating for quite a while now. It comes and goes but overall Id say its been steadily getting worse. I dont seem to get hungry like I used to. I still do get hungry but its different now. Idk. I still get normal hungry ig but I also get weird hungry. It just feels more emotionally charged and it also feels like fake nausea. (Not real nausea. Like, the nausea you feel when its all in your head and you wont actually throw up.) I also get weird full. Its where I get full (and i get full pretty easy) and I get upset thinking about food and I am briefly plagued by thoughts about vomitting and cutting myself. I dont wanna do that shit. Its not my style. So it could be worse but like, thats weird right? Thats like actually fucked up. Straight up. Whats my deal?

I kinda had a moment last summer where I played around with the idea of developing an eating disorder and Ive been kinda fucked since. Even before that though, I had another moment like that a few months prior, but it didnt really stick. I guess I just had some sort of sleeper agent in my head waiting to wreck up my eating habits the second I watched someone online share their ed experiences. I know Im fucked for this, but I was like damn yknow thats bad. Thats a bad thing. I kinda get it though. Theres an undeniable appeal there. Im not gonna commit to that shit and fully fuck my life up but damn. What do I do now that I know I got that in me.

And look Im not there yet. I dont have an eating disorder, but I am in the danger zone here. Fuck do I do with that. Historically Im always doing worse mentally than I think Im doing so fuck. I dont think Im doing so well rn, but I generally feel fine. I have good days and all. This is stupid. I wanna feel normal again and this isnt helping. Figured Id yap about it. I cant be honest about this to people irl. I want to keep my agency and keep my image intact.

[finchfest]

food for thoughts

tw: eating disorder mention

the thing with eating disorders is they crawl up on you faster than expected. an eating disorder doesn’t start out like that, it’s not a full blown issue until the main beast of it has reared its head and you’re already fully entangled up with it. it starts off slow. like any other hunter, it starts subtle. lingering in the shadows before striking in earnest.

it starts off as a seed of doubt. a look too long in the mirror, a second too long zoomed in on the pixels of a photo of you. is that how i look? a look back and forth from what you see reflected to the body below you. i used to look so…

different. skinnier. nicer. prettier. my clothes used to fit better. more flattering. more comfortable.

the roots have grown. before you know what’s happening, you’re stepping on a scale. you’re looking at that number reflected below you and feeling your heart drop all the way into your stomach. when did that happen? when did that number change? more importantly, how did it take me so long to notice?

from there it’s mostly downhill. it’s hard to fight your appetite initially. it starts as an “i’m not hungry today” when in reality you can very, very much feel the rumble of your stomach in your bones. but it becomes easier. once you start not eating, it’s pretty easy to continue. first it’s skipping just lunch. pretty soon it’s breakfast, too. not far after is dinner. from that point it’s just snacks to stave off fainting with unyielding waves of guilt as the main entree. and each time, you find a way to justify or dance around the issue. you become incredibly skilled in diverting the topic when asked if and what you ate.

i’m sure calorie counting comes in at some point soon. i’m not there yet. but i feel it brewing. i know i shouldn’t, that what i’m doing isn’t healthy and my body needs food to function but i just don’t want to. i find i don’t have much of an appetite in general anymore. it’s become comfortable, almost, sitting in this hunger. familiar. safe.

it doesn’t help with each journey back to the scale either. seeing that number go down and down and down. i’m down 6 pounds already! the breath of fresh air. it’s an elation i haven’t felt before. it’s a unique kind of rush. seeing your face slim up again. your clothes fit the way you want them to again. it encourages you in your pursuit of emptiness.

it’s these things that make it easy to ignore the blaring warning signs. the feeling faint. the feverish symptoms. everything warning you to stop when all you can hear is keep going!

i know this isn’t healthy. i am acutely aware. and there’s a part of me — the part that comes from having been in therapy for my entire upbringing, the part that’s seen my friends in high school struggle with eating disorders, the part that knows how bodies in general work — that says all the things you’re supposed to say. you deserve to eat. your worth isn’t defined by your weight. you need to take care of yourself. you owe it to your body to give it the nutrients it deserves. but i don’t feel like listening. every time i contemplate trying to eat again, those thoughts dissipate in the blink of an eye. they disappear when i think about how i used to look when i was younger, when i put on a pair of pants and they don’t fit how i remember, when i look at a photo of myself and oh god you can’t even see my cheekbones.

there’s guilt in everything. i feel ashamed even struggling with this. i grew up skinny, being told that i needed to get “some meat on my bones.” to be frank, i never thought id ever have an eating disorder. oh how wrong was i. i’m not even plus sized. or… am i? it’s hard to tell. i’m not even sure what i look like anymore. but there’s a large part of me that tells me im not even allowed to feel like this. especially when i know that i have friends who are bigger than me who have struggled with eating disorders. that my friends who are fat have confined in me in feeling these things. and the conflict furthers when i think about how beautiful they all are. how perfect they are in my eyes. how i think being fat is a beautiful thing. and how there must be something seriously fucked up with me to see that in them but take issue in it with myself. what a hypocrite i am.

it’s odd how eating disorders start. how they grow as i shrink. disordered eating into an eating disorder.

i don’t know. most of what i’ve been digesting recently is merely my own thoughts. which don’t seem to be helpful to me either.

just some food for my thoughts, i guess.

[littlejammything]

Me rambling about diet and exercise :p

Trying to transition myself into a state of mind of making sure my body is well taken care of has been challenging.

I have been dealing with body dysmorphia and a very restrictive eating disorder for sooo long...

I'm 25, 26 in just another 7 months... and I'm sick of driving myself crazy over my body and food!

So, instead of not eating, I'm trying to make sure the things I do eat are natural, healthy, and filling.

Making sure I'm more satiated by adding instead of subtracting. Adding fruit where I can, any veggies where I can. I need the nutrients and instead of binging on processed foods it keeps me fuller and I know I got some fruits and veggies in my system for the day. Not only is that good on its own but it's a lot easier for my body to digest and I don't get so bloated.

Getting exercise almost everyday, although I'm not in the gym at the moment. I'm just doing at home body weight basics like push ups, squats, leg raises for the core, etc. and at least a mile on the treadmill, running and walking. Today I did 2 miles.

I just want my body to feel healthy and capable. Not feeling dizzy, nauseous, having poor focus because I'm starving myself.

Oh yeah, and drinking plenty of water. Did no fucking realize how absolutely shitty you can feel when you're dehydrated HAH so I'm drinking AT LEAST 80 oz of water a day, although i usually drink around maybe 125 oz or a little more per day.

Before this year, i was basically starving myself almost everyday. I had gotten so used to it that a lot of the time, I didn't even feel hungry. And it wasn't too too bad all the time, but last year was pretty bad.

I gained some weight this year! Just a few lbs, because of eating like a normal person lol but also from eating a lot of fast food and junk :p it wasn't so much maybe like... 6 or 7 lbs. but a bit of that is muscle I've noticed.

And since I've cut the majority of that shit out of my diet and keeping exercise in my routine I've dropped maybe like... 3 lbs this past month I think. 2 or 3 it really just depends on what time of day I weigh myself and if I had just eaten, yknow.

Also, weighing myself is something I try to NOT do, because of my eating disorder. But it is nice to know here and there. I mean, there are still some issues with this, because i weigh 115-116 at 5 feet atm... so im pretty normal to be so worried about this all. I was like 112 at the beginning of the year lol but I looked really thin and I didn't have the bit of muscle I gained that I have now.

Once I'm able to go to the gym consistently (work schedule is a bit all over the place right now), I really want to prioritize eating enough protein to gain more muscle mass, though. So, that'll bulk me up and I'll be stronger :o)

[skinnylittlerelapse]

I was the perfect size. A healthy skinny with big tits and nice hips, anime legs. For the first time ever I didn't worry about my weight or my measurements or how much I did or didn't eat, not much for an ass I guess but I never even thought about it because I didn't care. I was skinny. The perfect type. Not small enough to be concerning, too be sick- I didn't think about wanting to look sick anymore. But not large, or even medium either. No body dysmorphia. Just bliss.

But no. I had to prove to myself I didn't have an eating disorder and started eating until it hurt. I gave up a small amount of control over my life to share it with someone else. (In the way you do when you live with someone and make decisions together, not in a way that I'm being controlled or anything, God im still not over how different those feel.) And so I ballooned up. 20-30 pounds, or maybe even more, I have no idea because I didn't weigh myself because I didn't worry about it! But I know it was at least 20 based on the last doctor appointment I had before gaining as much as I did.

And guess what! I'm miserable about that! Dozens if not hundreds of times a day I think about it and get so mad at myself for every time I ever over ate, or told myself I was totally over my eating disorder so it was fine because I could "accept myself" at any weight or that it was healthier for me to eat past the point where I was full because not doing that meant I had an eating disorder, because everybody eats past the point where they're full, right?

And because I gained all this weight, and because I've had a lot of major life changes in the last year or so, and because I have all these other stresses going on that I just flat out have no control over, guess what? Boom, full eating disorder, wanting to look sick and all. I realistically just want to get back to my "happy weight" but I can't deny that there's not a part of me that wants a concave stomach and my forearms to be the size of a pencil. I don't want to give in to that side, I don't- I want to eat tasty food and I don't want to throw it up and I don't want my stomach to hurt because I ate too much. But feeling hungry is just so comfortable, it feels right. Some of it is just having been used to that for so long from the disorder, some of that is comfort in it not being the genuinely more painful experience (to me) of being too full, some of it is the idea that if I don't eat I'll get skinny again.

I ruined everything by trying to "prove" to myself that I didn't have a problem. Because I saw so many people eating more than me and decided that had to be what I did to be normal, to be cured. Even though I was happy, and healthy, and hadn't had any eating disordered thoughts for a few years. Because I was at a happy weight. But now? Eating disordered thoughts all the time. Constantly. And worse than they have been in a very long time.

[gravehop187]

Im at the point to where I do not fear death. I welcome it openly, not to be mistaken for seeking it. I feel the stresses and pain I've endured over 24 years is enough for a lifetime. I understand many have been through worse but their reality is separate from my own. I have my sympathies fir them but I cannot feel their pain because I'm not them. I feel like even though in comparison my life is far better off than most, but still, I don't feel like this world has been kind to me. Since I could ever remember my life has been nothing but turmoil. Child abuse that had run rampant for years.

My mother would beat me, starve me, pinch, kick punch, slap, spit and degrade me. All because of something I presume is that I look like my father the most and when she drank she took that out on me. I can't even remember a good chunk of everything because my brain shut it out. I don't know who I really am now. I am just here.

I developed an eating disorder about at the age of 6, because of the starving I would eat anything I could get my hands on because I had no idea when we would eat next. After awhile she would check rooms for food and I had to stop storing it for my siblings and because my mother would get blackout drunk and not feed us for atleast a few days and if we snuck any food there will be hell to pay. I sacrificed myself for them because even though I was hungry it was my responsibility to be the one that provides since we in a sense had no mother. I was the pursuit of my mother's gaze and I tried to stay out of sight the best that I could. Reduced my physical being into a for that you would not even know existed. Still to this day and even writing this messge, I still have the ability to cry silently. You would only know I'm crying if you'd look at me. Any sound was a detrimental mistake.

Even to this day I have never changed from the child I was because it still lives with me mentally and I have to endure that torture daily, but I am still expected to do so much that many people have no issues with. It's just alot of weight to bare on my shoulders. I must at all times contest with the past, present and future. No good things come without its conditions and even when I try to move past preconceived notions about related events that happened they are always reinforced. Giving me the sense that these things will always happen while also thinking it won't happen. I prepare to prepare preparing.

This foresight and the ability to read others comes at a price. It came from daily abuse over many many years since I was atleast 2. I had to be observant and diligent to avoid being beaten unconscious. I can't let others know what I know. It appears to make them feel exposed and I thought about it and I can understand that. So I need to be able to use that ability while not letting others know or not be so blunt. I know exactly why they behave the way they do. And they are scared to confront it. And rightfully so because it's uncomfortable and they are not ready but I want to be able to heal those who are hurt themselfs because atleast my suffering would be of use to others. I will give them the courage to fight and confront those dark thoughts because they can't hurt you and have no tangibility.

That is what I think logically. But the nightmares that haunt my mind daily give a sharp, jagged reminder of the past that was stolen from me. The part that got shattered, absolutely broken is still with me. And it is an existence I would wish on no one.

I cannot commit suicide, I only cut when the emotions are all used up. That is my spirits biggest obstacle. Suffering in a world of immense pain with an enevitable, yet uncertain way out. I live in limbo.

I have learned not to fear death because anything is better than the hell I live here.

I am thankful for the many good things to happen in my life and I will cherish those now and after.

In the end I will have at last receive all that I ever wanted.

Love, Happiness and peace.

I hope you can find it too.

[lilyliveredlittlerichboy]

I posted 3,906 times in 2022

That's 3,804 more posts than 2021!

495 posts created (13%)

3,411 posts reblogged (87%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@the44th

@honeytuesday

@c0smicartisan

@purplemanatees

@crippled-dad

I tagged 3,821 of my posts in 2022

Only 2% of my posts had no tags

#i need a tag for my own rambles - 316 posts

#cats - 210 posts

#queer stuff - 123 posts

#silly - 122 posts

#homestuck - 122 posts

#this - 105 posts

#trans stuff - 104 posts

#art - 96 posts

#ofmd - 88 posts

#actually autistic - 83 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#malibu: :d i love u too hoomin! i am sitting on big 🐻 rn and they are so warm!!! i love them so much!!! can u come back soon and play w me

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

shamelessly stolen meme (im toad)

256 notes - Posted December 2, 2022

#4

so much love for people with verbal stims, echolalia, who repeat sounds or make their own, who are mumbling or singing or making noises to themselves all the time when they feel safe,

<3<3<3<3 giving all of u a forehead kiss

481 notes - Posted March 4, 2022

#3

desperately feeling for every little autistic queer kid in school rn. school fucking sucked for me, big time, and I've been out of school for 11 years now and part of me wants to ignore that schools are still a thing for many people.

you are strong and capable and gorgeous. your stims are good and cute actually! you are allowed to be open about yourself and it'll make some things easier but it'll make other things harder and you're also perfectly allowed to keep parts of you a secret if that keeps you safe for now. but most importantly, please remember that this awful time in your life will pass, even though it feels like it's forever right now. one day soon you'll look back and wonder why you were ever so scared. you'll grow into such a lovely wonderful person. in fact you already are and don't you forget it. your future holds happiness and peace. i love you.

519 notes - Posted May 7, 2022

#2

the diet cult is a solution to a nonexistent problem.

which is great, capitalism loves a solution without a problem. Or rather, selling you a solution to a problem they tell you you absolutely have.

so they make everyone believe that losing weight is super desirable for some reason.

it can only really be accomplished by disordered eating and/or exercise habits. (there have been so many studies showing that long term weight loss is not possible for most people, unless they develop disordered eating or exercise habits.)

the problem? people get hungry cus their bodies need food!

the solution? try this pill, that shake, such-and-such supplement. join this group with like minded diet cultists people who want to lose weight! you have to pay a membership fee and it'll try to dictate every bite you put in your mouth and sell you special recipes and ingredients and build an entire economy based on your low self-esteem, cus society tells you anything above stick-thin is too fat.

it's a cult aimed at controlling your entire life, where you shop, what you buy, what you eat. it's super good at it?? to the point where like. the majority of women in western countries seem to be falling for it?? (can't speak for other places but i imagine it's big elsewhere too)

to the point where many fat people believe they don't have worth unless they lose weight,

and many thin people believe that the worst thing that could happen to them is to gain weight,

when in reality, weight is morally neutral. being fat protects you from some diseases, actually. socio-economic status is a better predictor of health than weight. etc. etc.

fat ppl and fat liberation activists have been talking about this for so fucking long. i really don't know what it will take to get people to listen.

769 notes - Posted August 25, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

"sexuality and gender are different things"

and

"a lot of trans people conceptualise their sexuality through their gender or vice versa and for many of us the two are inextricably linked"

are both true statements, the only reason why you see more of the first and less of the second is because cis people are pathologically unable to understand nuance in this area. in this essay i wi-

4,445 notes - Posted April 18, 2022

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