#i feel awkward throwing trigger tags on my vent posts okay but its kinda bad. in expected ways maybe? idk what yall expect. or think is bad

[unpurposed-organism]

Posting about my bad eating habits

Ive had trouble eating for quite a while now. It comes and goes but overall Id say its been steadily getting worse. I dont seem to get hungry like I used to. I still do get hungry but its different now. Idk. I still get normal hungry ig but I also get weird hungry. It just feels more emotionally charged and it also feels like fake nausea. (Not real nausea. Like, the nausea you feel when its all in your head and you wont actually throw up.) I also get weird full. Its where I get full (and i get full pretty easy) and I get upset thinking about food and I am briefly plagued by thoughts about vomitting and cutting myself. I dont wanna do that shit. Its not my style. So it could be worse but like, thats weird right? Thats like actually fucked up. Straight up. Whats my deal?

I kinda had a moment last summer where I played around with the idea of developing an eating disorder and Ive been kinda fucked since. Even before that though, I had another moment like that a few months prior, but it didnt really stick. I guess I just had some sort of sleeper agent in my head waiting to wreck up my eating habits the second I watched someone online share their ed experiences. I know Im fucked for this, but I was like damn yknow thats bad. Thats a bad thing. I kinda get it though. Theres an undeniable appeal there. Im not gonna commit to that shit and fully fuck my life up but damn. What do I do now that I know I got that in me.

And look Im not there yet. I dont have an eating disorder, but I am in the danger zone here. Fuck do I do with that. Historically Im always doing worse mentally than I think Im doing so fuck. I dont think Im doing so well rn, but I generally feel fine. I have good days and all. This is stupid. I wanna feel normal again and this isnt helping. Figured Id yap about it. I cant be honest about this to people irl. I want to keep my agency and keep my image intact.