#what do you THINK was going on in spider-man comics for 50 years

[monsieuroverlord]

Some of the Pride Allies Variants are up

General housekeeping before I proceed with the Roast Fest

I want to make this explicitly clear: it is not my intention to hate on the artists themselves nor their art skills or anything along those lines.

Betsy Cola and Davi Go are both extremely talented and skilled artists. Support their work. Art is fucking hard and its even harder to actually get paid for it.

Betsy Cola is a queer Filipina and has an Instagram Page (but no online shop for prints). Lots of fun retro style (think 50s-60s-70s Pop Art)

Davi Go does have an INPRNT with lots of Marvel and DC Characters. Like nine different Emma Frost prints alone. A couple of lovely Laura Kinney and much more. For fine Art Prints, artists earn like 50% of the sale, I'm pretty sure.

I personally have no idea what goes into getting contracted to do any cover by Marvel, but I'm sure it was absolutely thrilling to get to do ANY work by a big company such as Marvel, where so many would get to see something I had made. I also have no idea how much an artist is told when they are contracted to make something. (Do they get told what it's for, or are they just given a generalized prompt? I truly have no idea)

I do know, that personally for me, doing ANYTHING of that caliber would be a dream come true. I've been reading comic books since I was five/six years old. While I only make shitty little fans arts and the occasional fanfic, if by some astronomical chance, I was offered to write or do a cover, I would absolutely jump on the chance. Or at least strongly consider it.

I am specifically critiquing Marvel's decisions as corporation to even come up with and sign off on something as obnoxious (and frankly, insulting) as "Pride Allies" for a variant series. Especially considering the overarching fact that historically Marvel has had its fair share of issues regarding its treatment of its queer characters -- lack of consistent appearances/storytelling, questionable treatment/writing choices, and blatant rainbow washing during Pride month to give a few generalizations (pick your favorite example, there's a lot). Sometimes its enjoyable to poke fun at company's ridiculous marketing ideas.

Much like the fact last winter they did a "Ski Chalet" variant series with skiing and snow activities, yet somehow didn't find an artist to do a variant of their ONE CANON OLYMPIC SKIIER.

But I digress.

In Summary: the act of creation is beautiful, don't be a douche canoe. Being punk is anti-establishment, not anti-people.

Thank you.

Now, ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in-between and outside thereof, first up we have:

Amazing Spider-man #52 by Davi Go

Davi Go does a pretty Northstar, I'll give him that.

But why is Spider-man here? What are they even doing? I know JP has canonically crushed on chatty dumbasses *cough cough* Iceman *cough cough* but I don't see the point of this pairing.

What are they even doing? Did Parker get lost on his way to the Pride Parade? Lmao.

Next:

Daredevil #10 by Davi Go

Rachel is very pretty. Looks very powerful here.

They both wear red, I'll give them that.

(I don't have much more to say on this one. I think my brain broke a little)

I genuinely do NOT see the point in pairing up a queer character with a random more popular Marvel hero. I repeat my question, who the hell signed off on this?

In my personal opinion, its just new lows in performative allyship and rainbow washing and whatever kind of marketing you wanna call it.

Source here for first two (directly from Marvel site)

[spid3rgrrrl]

hiiii :] 👋👋👋 do you have a spider-man rant/fact you would like to share ?

Image: what my dad hung up for his spider-man comic collection

My first spider-man fact I have is that my dad got me into spider-man. The first spider-man show I watched was reruns from spider-man and his amazing friends. It’s a show from the 80’s about spider-man, iceman and firestar.

My dad said, next year, the original spiderman clone will turn 50 years old.

One thing I like about tssm is how Peter’s character arc is about him trying to be a good man while having a childish view of manhood. He try to strive to be a provider after Uncle Ben died by giving up the money he was saving for a better camera to help pay rent. He tries his best to take care of New York as spider-man. He even tries to get a 20 year old to go with him to his school dance because he thinks he’s mature enough. (Even though she said no many times. He just wore her down. Thank fuck she wasn’t a predator.)

My whole point with this is that the show was showing the audience examples of toxic and healthy masculinity. And showing how toxic masculinity can hurt the people around you and even yourself. If the show continued after the second season I’m sure we would’ve seen him grow and mature into a well adjusted adult until the Stacy’s deaths and the spider-verse movies.

[ewzzy]

Alright so I got a bunch of notes on a panel of Gwen and MJ. Me being me I gotta go back through the Masterworks collections and see what their relationship actually was from ASM #25 when MJ debuts to Gwen's death in ASM #121.

Here's their first meeting. Romita is drawing, but Ditko's queen bitch characterization of Gwen is still there.

It doesn't take long for Romita to change up Gwen. Also note MJ saying "Have a happy!" because her main character trait is phrasing that you just have to assume were normal at the time.

Now that we've established the girls it's time to put them in direct competition. Can you tell Romita drew romance comics before he took over Spider-Man?

But hey it's not all competition! Next time we see them they're hanging out without Pete at all!

They're surprisingly friendly at this point.

Gwen starts dating Pete more consistently, but MJ points out "I only loaned him to you, lady!"

MJ's habit of sniping at Gwen starts to kick in.

Even when Pete goes missing...

When MJ get's a job as a go-go dancer she's still thinking about Pete even if Gwen doesn't seem worried.

The timeline here gets a little funky because this story got published in magazine format first and then shoved later into ASM Annual 9. MJ and Gwen act like they're meeting each other for the first time.

Then afterward all walk off into the sunset (and fodder for those of you shipping a trio)

Then there's a whole lot of nothing where Gwen & MJ never interact outside of 2 panels in Marvel Super-Heroes #14 drawn by future ASM regular Ross Andru. Chances are this was drawn way earlier because Gwen is based on her design from Ditko's era.

So the reason for the lack of MJ was she went with her aunt to Florida. Now that they're back it's time for sparks to fly.

And fly they do! Though maybe that's more Flash Thompson's fault.

But don't worry we're shipping him off to 'Nam with some kisses.

Next up is what started all this for me with those notes at the top. Pete loses his powers because of a flu, confesses his secret identity and has to walk the whole thing back. This scares Gwen something fierce and MJ spends the whole time tossing out one-liners.

As I said in the old post, this is all hilarious with the retcon that MJ always knew Pete was Spider-Man. After that we go more than a year without MJ and Gwen on panel together, including the death of Gwen's father. It really looks like MJ is a non-factor at this point. Gil Kane takes over art duties and has a big reunion when Harry gets out of the hospital and Flash is back from war.

Then the next time we see them is a hundred pages worth of comics later in ASM #116 and that's a redo of the magazine again so the relationships get reset by about 50 issues.

See? Isn't that exactly like the magazine / Annual 9 from above?

Anyway, they spend that issue campaigning for for a mayoral candidate and getting along great. Gwen has a big kiss with Pete and MJ is super supportive even if her Harry is annoyed.

And whoops we're running out of time because we're racing toward Gwen's untimely demise. We get one final bit with Gwen and MJ on panel together worried about Harry's relapse right before the Green Goblin gets to work.

And that's that! Every on panel interaction of Gwen Stacy and Mary Jane Watson in one tumblr post. Looking back, they're put in competition by Lee and then Conway writing it, but Gwen is so clearly who they've picked that MJ falls to the wayside.

What do you see in their interactions? I'd love to hear what others think about their relationship.

[lumikinetic]

I can’t speak for everyone but I just hate Bruce and think steph’s role as spoiler was really cool & there’s a lot of unexplored ideas that could go along w her identity as spoiler (plus I love the spoiler outfit way more than her batgirl outfit I mean the black shadowy face the hood the belt.. it had it all) Though batgirl 2009 was amazing I just think it’d be cool if she called out Bruce for being a hypocrite and goes back to being spoiler/an independent vigilante. Think there needs to be more independent vigilantes around Gotham anyway like why does every hero need to be connected to Batman

I'm gonna derail onto a soapbox with this first one cause it is literally my number one all time biggest grievance with the way I see people interact with comics nowadays but my sincere and honestly held belief is that there are very very few characters in all of comics you can fully, thoroughly hate with justification. You can say "this character isn't for me" and that's fine whatever it happens, sometimes a concept doesn't make you feel that feeling when experiencing great media and this is why people naturally gravitate towards sci-fi over fantasy or slice of life over high octane action but I truly believe you can't hate most characters. Especially the biggest ones who have been running for 50+ years cause the odds that there is that one run out there that will make you finally Get It™ are astronomically high, and increase with each new writer and THAT is what comics are really about. I'm gonna be upfront w/you, I'm so so worn down by Bruce slander these days, even when I'm not trying to be hostile (like now for instance, I promise) it still comes off as that but god. It really is the lamest, most boring, hivemind-esque stance to take. "I prefer [character] to Batman" yeah sure that's valid I do too, a whole bunch of them, even Batman himself prefers Superman, but when people say "I don't like Batman, at all" all I hear is "I'm not willing to put the work in and actually do the reading". Bruce is cool as fuck as a character as it is, but if you let yourself just enjoy the rule of cool he elevates to 1000. Zdarsky's run has lost the sauce a little bit imo but Failsafe and chasing Joker to the end of existence is still great stuff, and that's just what's happening right now. Great thing about being the guy who oversaturates the DC market: Decades upon decades of top shelf content out there. BUT. The content won't come to you. You gotta go looking.

Anyway Spoiler is cool, yes

The full face mask is cool, yes

I have no preference for the spoiler/stephgirl split. Both identities are good for me she can use whatever. But it doesn't take a whole lot of attention to notice that at the end of the day, it's just a recycled and watered down version of "Laura Kinney is X-23 not Wolverine" or "Miles Morales isn't Spider-Man" and just like those ones, it bothers me. Who cares if both use it at the same time? At best, it adds something new and interesting to the world and offers a dual perspective on what an identity could be. At worst, it's just something inconsequential but in a way that is fun and doesn't detract anything from the story being told. If one Batgirl is preoccupied, maybe in a ghostly magic realm for example, we still got another to do normal Gotham stuff.

Historically, every "Batman-related" character got tired of being Batman-related (or they exploded, sorry Jason) and decided to take the batsymbol and make it their own (or the writers forced it on them, sorry Jason). Batgirl is not connected to Batman. Batgirl is connected to Barbara Gordon. Bette Kane if you wanna get really technical about it. Babs' whole thing is about how she didn't become Batgirl to appease Batman or whatever, she did it because she wanted to and the bat was a convenient symbol that already had some weight to it. Also don't let the internet fool you, Babs' time as Batgirl really wasn't as impactful and iconic as everyone thinks it is and the '66 TV show makes everyone believe. She was in the cape for a comparatively short time before going straight into Oracle. It holds much more meaning to both Steph and Cass, so even then, it's not even connected to Babs, it's connected to Cass more than anything, and only because she was the one who got it first.

I would say Helena B cause she was before Cass but she had it for like five seconds, so. Lol.

[disconnected-dragon]

"Alright people let's set some things straight.

"My name is Miguel O'Hara. I was not bitten by a radioactive spider, and for the past ten or so years I have been Nueva York's one and only --Spider-Man. How it happened is a bit of a long story, my dad liked to throw stuff, I got a job at Alchemax, threw stuff there, blah blah blah, long story short, the head scientist, Dr "Olivia Octoavius" got hired by this huge guy in a suit to "make some Schpida-people" to sell to the US government as super-soldiers. I said I quit, Olivia said ok, but not before spiking my drink with super-cocaine. She then told me "ok Miguel, either you work for us or you go onto the streets." I told her to "suck my dingle-berries Liv" and threw myself into the Spider-Machine. Did I mention I was seventeen years old at this point I feel like I should mention that. It edited my DNA to be abt 50 percent man and 50 percent spider. So instead of Spider-Sense and sticky fingers, it gave me talons, fangs, and paralyzing venom. Hey don't give me that look, at least I'm not Man-Spider.

"A lot of the stuff that followed was standard Spider-Man stuff, got hit by a drone, got choke-slammed by Venom, disappointed my mother, tried to run a Spider-themed speakeasy which you should not do under any circumstances, so I'm just gonna tell LYLA to fast-forward to-- ehhh here. Where I choke-slammed a teenager into a moving train. Really-- not my proudest moment. I was in the wrong here, my bad Miles, I lost my temper. I'm gonna write an apology as soon as the multiverse gets back on track. Here's an e-card LYLA made in the meantime. But, look, you have to get here-- I have one morse confidential thing to say. Which involves the multiverse.

"You probably noticed in my origin story that I'm not a typical Spider-Man. I don't have the canon events. I wasn't even bitten by the spider. And you're probably saying "Miguel, you're a hypocrite, why do you enforce the rules so much on me and my annoying friends? You didn't even have a dad event!' Which, you're right, I don't. The second my dad was gone I threw a party over his dead still-warm corpse but we don't have to go into that now, I don't have daddy issues. (Shut up LYLA) The point is, I know that I'm an anomaly. That's the other reason I do this.

"There can only be one anomaly in the universe at one time. LYLA ran the calculations and they're flawless. I know. I programmed her myself. And because there can only be one anomaly without complete and utter collapse. My existence puts the multiverse in danger, and I know that. I learned that when my daughter dissolved in front of me. So I dedicated my life to keeping the multiverse on track, on time, and tightly running with no deviation. It's lonely, but it's what I have to do. It's what I have to do to make up for existing at all.

"So without me, the entire Arachno-Poly-Humanoid-Multiverse would fall into complete and utter oblivion. There's only one anomaly in this web. And you're looking at him."

____________

a/n: you ever get really pissed off abt some mad miguel takes on twitter so you write a speculative thing abt his backtsory in btsv? lmao couldnt be me.

do note i havent read his comics, only the wikipedia page for his comics, and i edited out some of that information that didn't seem to fit with his astv character. so please don't think im truying to make miguel look better or anything i just *think* this is the direction they'll go with for his backstory if they decide to do it. I *think*. don't hold me to it.

Also, cross posted to AO3 if anyone wants to look:

[hazbincalifornia]

Hazbin Liveblog Episode 7

And here we go!

Huh, so the rest of the crew knows already? I wonder who told them- or if Vaggie and Charlie had an argument where everybody could hear.

Classy as always, Angel.

Harsh as it is, I can't really blame Husk- he's been dead something like 50 years and suddenly things have gotten way worse in the last six months, twice. Vaggie still is sticking up for her, though.

PENT AND KEEKEE... there's a theory that the death Viv reiterated in the qna may be KeeKee due to the cards depicting it destroyed, but I'm glad the kitty trusts snakeman now.

I wish we had time to see more of Razzle and Dazzle, I know they weren't in the pilot proper much either but if they were gifts from her dad, it would have been nice to have a bit of focus on them, since I think they've only shown up with that one line from Lucifer and giving her tissues here?

And here's the preview from yesterday! He's so slimy, I love it.

Her hair all messy... dare I say, A Look.

You can just tell whoever boarded this bit had a blast with Alastor in it.

Her little hoofies....

The animation of him kicking his legs like a teenage girl and then moving his head in over from the right like it's a slideshow image is so fucking funny.

I don't know if it's just the lighting in this scene, but I like how their colors look- her skin's more of a peach than white, and his is darker, closer to the tone he probably had while alive.

His animation here is SO good,- the spindly fingers like spiders, how he manhandles her face with his fingers to force her to look up and slides his fingers in his mouth to force up a grin, how he's basically telling her he's putting on a front and he's not actually always happy while he's still being unnerving enough and with such conviction it probably won't sink in it's technically vulnerable... I love it.

With 'years', I really do wonder how long ago Vaggie fell. Five years? Ten?

Oh man, that's the sting from the pilot, isn't it? Or at least it's very close. Have they used that before with him in the series proper?

Huh... he picked up a leaf off the plant and it didn't wilt. I wonder if that's because it was already fallen off the plant, or if that was just a gag from the comic.

Ohhh yep. Called it was going there- she's desperate.

I love the fakeout there- he probably knew that, like it or not, if he made a deal for her soul Lucifer would curbstomp him.

I LOVE the animation when the deal goes through and how both of their true demon forms peek through, I'll have to watch it back closer later.

I wonder if deals between powerful demons are always this 'obvious'? The fact that he said 'right on cue' makes me suspect he pushed it outside the room on purpose.

He must have transferred the info during the process of the deal, I doubt he shouted it over all the Magic happening, lmao.

I'd make a comment about the condescending 'good girl' headpat but I think every one of you knows what it is.

Perfect comic timing on the 'they say insane shit all the time!' 'bank accounts are created by the shadow government!' 'SEE?!?'

Even the bow wilted. I love little touches like that, where clothes carry the mood.

Three years, huh! That makes sense- long enough it's clearly an established relationship, not long enough that it would feel ridiculous that she'd be able to hide it.

So... there are kids there? I can't imagine that boy that couldn't be older than six or seven sinned enough to go to Hell, so they must be Hellborn of some kind. (Plus, it would add to the 'hellborns are safe' thing if it's not just Charlie, since they made no indication that imp dude from Happy Day wasn't just a sinner.

Charlie, you waltzed through the cannibal town during your song a few months ago. How do you not know about a fairly sizable and distinct group apparently not far from the center of the city?

Oh, I love Rosie already. It makes sense she's an Overlord if she runs the cannibal town.

ACE IN THE HOLE, I love it. She's probably been waiting years to use that joke but he never brought anybody back to make it work. (Even if he ever did bring Stellaluna around, the first time would have been back when she was a teenager.)

I imagine he probably brings back extra meat when he takes down enough people, and she offers him any opportunities for good deals in exchange.

Very steady head on your shoulders there, Charlie.

I mean, if I was talking to the leader of a cannibal colony, 'you help us kill people, you can eat all the bodies' is the pitch I'd use too.

The interior design of Carmilla's fortress is gorgeous, and her cool demeanor is so good.

Yesss she's using the shoes as weapons!

THE GIRLS ARE CALLED CANNIBETTES, that sounds like something from girl scouts.

Just had to get that dig in, Alastor. Thanks.

Susan mentioned... and she got a second swear out of Alastor. I'm assuming she's not actually his mom or he wouldn't react like that, ah well. I love how she clearly gets under his skin but Rosie probably tells him he's not allowed to eat her, lmao.

To be fair, she does have big-ass eyes.

Oof, Charlie's definitely stressed.

Great music choice for the fight.

Taking her hair down as soon as Vaggie says she's not used to fighting with long hair just to prove that she's still fine doing so is a power move.

HA, I was wondering if anybody would point out the reasons they made it easy enough to guess if you thought about it enough.

Hey, she's still helping!

I didn't super love Carmilla's voice in Whatever it Takes, but I liked it in Respectless and adore it here. The choreography is great too.

The little smile as it switches to playful and confident, eeeee.

I like Charlie sort of talking herself through this once she gets past the immediately frustration, and how Rosie is clearly very good at helping- which makes perfect sense, as she's helped keep cannibal town a nice place for who knows how long by helping mediate interpersonal problems.

Hey, maybe she was just pitching to the wrong audience!

Giving her his mic is really sweet, since it's sort of like a part of him.

It's... really, really nice getting to hear it in context, since I rewatched the trailer a bunch of times.

She's getting Susan on board and it just took encouraging violence!

He's helping!

I love the detail of one of them having a fox skeleton instead of a full fox on her hat.

C'mon, Charlie, you're getting the cannibals willing to fight for you. Does it really matter how they do?

I'm suspecting that Alastor's plans to guide her are going to be something we grapple with more in s2.

Aww, the little head from the trailer was a gift for Vaggie, that's sweet.

Everything was worth it for Pent's pusssssssssies.

[traincat]

you really enlightened me about spider-man that seeing a tweet like this twitter(.)com/tylerllewtaing/status/1124384316870414336?s=19 got me pissed because now i know better. the worst part is i would have agreed to it months ago. why are so many spider-man opinions so bad

Yeah, these are bad tweets and bad arguments. First off, I’d argue there’s no such thing as a “blank canvas” superhero character meant to represent the “current reader” -- that’s a ridiculous idea that fundamentally misunderstands what storytelling is. What would that even look like? A superhero comic featuring a main character with a blank face you can paste your own portrait onto, featuring a blank slate supporting cast vague enough for you to project any sort of relationships onto, with blank word bubbles? The idea of a blank slate superhero character isn’t just ridiculous, it’s unsustainable. Nobody would 50 years worth of comic books about a character who’s personality was “completely malleable to the audience’s whims.” Obviously characters evolve with the times, and you have to take that into account, but to suggest that a character who has survived in such pop culture prominence since 1962 has done so because he doesn’t actually have his own personality is mindboggling and disrespects both storytelling, superhero comics as a medium, and Spider-Man as a character. That’s not a character; that’s a Mad Lib. I’d strongly recommend these guys get some lessons in critical reading and a long box or six full of Spider-Man comics to mull over, because Peter Parker very much does have his own personality and it’s not whatever these two think it is. 

Second off, let’s argue about what “relatable” means. I hate this term when it’s used to talk about fictional characters and if I could strike one word out of the English language, it would probably be this one, because it’s lazy. What is relatable? Who is it relatable to? It also perverts, I would like to suggest, what the audience was originally supposed to relate to about Spider-Man. Stan Lee and Steve Ditko gave Peter a set of problems when they introduced him that were decidedly unglamorous: he came from a family that had very little money. He had to step up upon the death of his uncle, a death he felt responsible for, to help pay the bills. His classmates misunderstood him and he felt alone. He didn’t have friends with similar interests. The popular girl didn’t want to go out with him. When he got a girlfriend, suddenly the popular girl did. His girlfriend had jealousy issues and her own personal problems. His boss was a jerk. And to quote Rodney Dangerfield: he got no respect. Those were the problems the audience was supposed to relate to, the ordinary struggles of the average person magnified by the fact that Peter also had a secret identity to protect and amazing powers beyond the scope of the average schmuck. He was relatable in that the audience could relate to him and to his problems, not in that he was a mirror held up to reflect each and every reader who glanced at the cover of Spider-man comic. 

I’ve argued this point before, but I think “with great power, comes great responsibility” is actually a deeply unrelatable concept. Look at the world and the people who have great institutional power -- there’s very little responsibility being taken by the people who have that power to protect their society and their communities. Peter Parker doesn’t have great institutional power; he’s a guy from a poor family who grew up in Queens, heavily Jewish-coded within the text of the comics, who frequently feels like the underdog. But with Peter’s specific brands of great power -- the super powers he got from the spider bite and the fact that he’s a supergenius (super relatable, right, aren’t we all just incredible scientific supergeniuses) -- he could certainly take that institutional power. But that wouldn’t be responsible. Peter’s responsibility is the protection of his community. I think a large number of people who argue that Peter’s foremost trait is that he’s “relatable” without clarifying what that even means would act in a very un-Spider-Manish way, should they magically be granted superpowers. Taking responsibility is, in and of itself, a distinctly unrelatable trait for many people, especially, and not to generalize but let’s be real here, an extremely large portion of the male population. By claiming that he’s relatable beyond all else is to essentially throw the concept that defines him -- responsibility -- into the trash. 

This is also twisting the “anyone can wear the mask” message in Into the Spider-Verse, because that’s not a line that’s about Peter at all. He doesn’t deliver that line: Miles Morales does. It’s a line that’s about Miles realizing he can be Spider-Man, he is good enough, he is ready, and embracing that confidence. Anyone can wear the mask referred to the fact that Spider-Man doesn’t have to be Peter Parker -- it can be Miles Morales, it can be Gwen Stacy, Miguel O’Hara, etc. And I think that was a very empowering statement for the kids in the audience who looked at Peter Parker and didn’t feel represented by him, but who did feel represented by Miles, and by the concept that Spider-Man doesn’t have to be a white guy. To use it to say “actually Peter Parker never had a set personality and was whatever the audience wanted him to be at the time” is stretching it pretty far when it’s about saying that, while Peter Parker is Spider-Man, Spider-Man doesn’t have to be Peter Parker.

Here’s another problem with the “Spider-Man: the relatable superhero” figure: the sweeping generalizations. “Modern teenagers” because all modern teenagers are grown in pods and their only personality trait is “youths.” Not everyone is obligated to like the same thing, and not everyone is obligated to see things the same way, especially not because they happen to be contained in a generation with each other. To claim something is relatable to an entire group of people is ludicrous -- now, to say something is marketed towards a specific group is completely different, and I do agree that’s very much what is happening with MCU Spider-Man. I think there’s very little that’s relatable about getting a high tech suit from a billionaire superhero who came far before you, or about having to stop a stealth jet from being stolen, or about going on a European vacation with all your friends after you were snapped out of reality. These things are all pretty far removed from the typical Spider-Man problems I’ve listed above, and let’s be honest, most of us are far more likely to be able to understand and relate to the money problems than the European vacation with all our friends, or becoming a billionaire’s protege. But Marvel Studios has a lot of money, and they’re very good at marketing. You don’t have to relate to a story to enjoy it, but you also don’t have to relate to it to be sold the idea that you do. And I’m not saying that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it’s a whole different ballpark away from the hallmarks that originally marked Spider-Man as relatable. There was no batcave. No high tech armor. He had no butler. There was just a guy in his bedroom in Queens, mixing up his own chemistry experiments, wondering how he was going to save up enough money to pay the bills and have enough left over to take his girlfriend out for dinner. It was the ordinary that made Spider-Man an extraordinary character at the time, and what kept him so vibrant and easy to relate to. To, and not from.  

[doctorofmagic]

I’m working on an edit to show how good of a person Stephen actually is. I’ve seen too many people call him a selfish, arrogant jerk without seeing how caring he is. Can you point out some comics or panels where Stephen is just generally being a caring, loving guy? You know, the opposite of what people think he is. I’d really appreciate it.

YES, LET'S END THE HATERS' WHOLE CAREERS!! Hold my hot cocoa, I'll give you 10 since it's the limit of images tumblr allows me to post. I can think of many more but since you said you're doing an edit, I suppose you need single panels with context, right?

Savage Avengers #23

In which Stephen casually sacrifices years of his life to lift the curse in his teammates.

2. War of the Realms - War Scrolls #2

In which he has to sleep in order to fight Nightmare and a girl gives him her plushie. He gives it back and takes care of her when he wakes up.

3. Defenders v1 #19

In which he teleports (that is, steals) a dining table from a fancy hotel to feed the homeless.

4. Marvel Double-Shot #4

In which he gives his everything to protect and save the children.

5. Silver Surfer - Requiem #3

In which Stephen gives a seed to reassure Norrin of his importance and impact in people's lives since Norrin was going through their last days.

6. Marvel Premiere #14

Self-explanatory.

7. Doctor Strange v5 #9

Babysitting (and then saving his neighborhood from gentrification).

8. Doctor Strange #388

hhhhhhhhhhh also self-explanatory.

9. Spider-Man #500

In which Stephen grants Peter a chance to talk to Uncle Ben one last time.

10. Doctor Strange - Sorcerer Supreme #50

Just Stephen being loved by everyone around him.

Hit me up if you need more and good luck with your edit!

[cblgblog]

So my issues with Irondad are well documented at this point, starting from their very first scenes. Specifically the utter tone deafness of Peter’s recruitment, by both Tony and the writers. Tony starts the movie being blamed for the death of a 20-year-old kid who was in the wrong place, wrong time in Sokovia. That accidental death that can be put down to negligence on his part, is pivotal to what happens next. So pivotal he uses it in his pitch for why the other Avengers need to sign the Accords.

Tony, midway through the movie, deliberately brings a 15-year-old child into this conflict. A child he blackmails into going with him, because if you don’t, I will tell your aunt.

Charles Spencer was an innocent civilian, wrong place, wrong time in Sokovia. He died. That tears Tony up, as it rightfully should. And yet, in the midst of his crusade about following laws and accountability, he lies to May Parker about taking her 15-year-old nephew out of the country and into a warzone. Ignoring some well-established laws about child soldiers.

Tony blackmailing a child who’s had his powers for 6 months into participating in this conflict makes no sense. Ever. It especially makes no sense in the context of Charles Spencer and his mother. Yet neither Tony nor the writers seem to comprehend this. Which is why Irondad has been bullshit from the start. Blackmail and kidnapping are not sweet, father-son moments, even if you ignore the fact, as the MCU wants to, that Peter had a father already, in Ben Parker. He has a loving adult parental figure in May Parker. Both of whom cared about him before he had spider powers that might be helpful to them.

All of this, I’ve said before, so have others. And then I realized that I actually hate Irondad more than I thought. That Feige and co. mishandled it even more than I thought, and why? Because of this.

We know the story. Peter was, supposedly, this kid Tony saved at the Stark Expo in Iron Man 2. Started out as a fan theory, and then was confirmed that yes, this is true, this is exactly what we intended.

Now, we know Civil War had different writers/directors than Homecoming or FFH did. We also know that, for all the lip service of, ‘It’s all connected,’ we know that the creatives in these different franchises do not always talk to each other, and that they often blatantly contradict each other.

Taking all that into account, acknowledging that…the dumbasses at Marvel did not think up the idea of Peter being the Iron Man 2 kid. They heard the theory, thought it was cool, then took credit for having meant that the entire time, yes, that was totally us.

We know this because it is never mentioned in canon. All those Tony and Peter interactions, all those times of yes, Mr. Stark, I just want to be like you, Mr. Stark, and Peter never mentions that? When Tony takes he suit from him in Homecoming and Peter says that he just wants another chance, wants to be like Tony, would he not mention that hey, you saved my life, Mr. Stark. You saved my life and I just wanted to be like you, and now I can be, now I can save lives like you, just please give me another chance.

If the Iron Man 2 theory were true, would he not say that? In FFH, when he’s all guilt-ridden, I didn’t save him, would he not mention that hey, he saved my life before I was Spider-man, before I was special, before I was anyone?

Now I know what you’re thinking. The Iron Man 2 thing isn’t that big a deal. It’s not a crucial thing. And you know what, you’re right. It isn’t, it’s just always annoyed me, in an eyeroll way, that the same people who couldn’t count properly between 2012 and 2017 (8 years later flashing in giant letters across our screens means that Homecoming was meant to take place in 2020), that these same people who let something so blatantly timeline breaking get through then took credit for a kind of cool, kind of clever fan theory. It’s annoying.

I’ve now realized, however, that it is far more than annoying to me. Because TPTB at Marvel did not think of that idea for themselves, but if they had, and if they’d run with that idea? If they had, it would’ve made Peter’s recruitment in Civil War so much more fucked up than it already is, but so much more interesting. So, so, so much more interesting.

I’ve talked about why Spidey’s own movies (as much as you can call them that given the level of Tony infiltration) prove that the theory isn’t true. Now let’s go to Civil War. Different writers, yes, but let’s talk anyway about why we can tell from CW that Peter was not that kid.

He gets home. May is like, look who it is, Tony Stark. Not, look who it is, the hero who literally saved your life. When Tony locks himself in Peter’s room with him (still fucking gross, Jesus Christ), Peter is just, nope, I got no idea what you’re talking about. That’s—no, I’m not a superhero, no. He’s defensive. He’s apprehensive. He’s trying to figure out what fresh hell this is. He’s trying to hide stuff from Tony. If this is the guy who saved him at the Stark Expo, why this reaction? Why not, oh my god, you saved my life, I thought I’d never see you again, not, not up close I mean. When Tony asks him to do a thing, why is it not, well yeah, duh , you saved my life, where do we start? Or even, okay, I don’t really wanna do this, but, you saved my life, I owe you?

So, nobody wrote a fucking word of any of Peter and Tony’s interactions under the theory that he was the Stark Expo kid.

But what if they had?

Tony shows up at May’s place. He does not know who Peter is, in relation to their “meeting” before. He’s expecting to have to do some level of smooth talk to get in here but, nope. May’s just, oh my god, you saved my boy’s life, come in, come in!

We don’t know for sure that Peter was orphaned by the time of the Expo, but if we base it on comics and prior films, he likely was. Most versions seem to have him fall under Ben and May’s care between 2 and 6.  O1’ birthday means he would’ve been around 9 at the Expo. So, more than likely, Ben or May or both were the ones there with him. They may credit Tony with saving their lives as well.

So, Tony starts the movie being called out by a grieving mother. Going down this route, we’re at the midpoint…and here’s a different mother telling him how great he is. How he saved the most important thing in her life. How if Ben were here (May’s wearing her wedding ring around her neck btw, you can see it in the scene), Ben would say the same thing. Shake his hand. Hug him.

Now, Tony’s got a sharp ass mind, when it’s not clouded with booze or drugs or the like. Since he wasn’t wasted at the Expo, there’s a good chance that, given some details, he remembers saving this kid. He remembers how small this little boy actually was. He remembers how light this kid was when he grabbed him. It was a few seconds in a long ass night, that he hasn’t thought about in years, but to May Parker, it’s everything.

So maybe at this point Tony’s rethinking this. He’s remembering that little boy, realizing how young he still is. He pulled that boy from danger. And now here’s this woman who invited him into her house, told him how her husband just passed recently, things have been hard, especially for Peter but God, he’ll love to see you. Maybe Tony’s rethinking this, coming up with a way out, when Peter shows up. And then, aw hell. The kid’s just a mess of excitement and shock, possibly tears…okay now it’s just gotten harder to make an exit.

Let’s pause here to say that May Parker is not fucking dumb (“Cut the bullshit. I know you left detention. I know you left the hotel room in Washington. I know you sneak out of this house every night.”).

May is not dumb. Letting the 50-year-old dude go into her nephew’s room with him, alone? Arguably dumb, even if it is Iron Man. Letting him grab the kid for some Stark…thing, and take him wherever Tony said he was taking him on 12 seconds notice? Even more arguably dumb.  CW as it’s written dumbs down May’s character for the sake of an already questionable plot point. Especially since she literally says she’s not a fan of Tony in Homecoming. Yes, her comment there comes after the “internship,” her noting Peter’s distraction and stress because of it. But still, it’s fucking weird that she’d let this man take her kid out of the country, alone, in CW. It makes her dumb for the sake of plot.

But if Stark saved Peter’s life not so long ago? It at least makes a bit more sense. He’s a hero. Peter literally wouldn’t be here without him. Why would Tony hurt him now?

So, back to the scene. Peter’s probably less paranoid about showing his stuff to Tony. Probably not spilling everything himself, but when Tony notices things, Peter’s probably less panicked over it, more willing to confirm. Yes, he’s got these powers, okay? And he hasn’t had them for long, but he’s trying to do good, like Tony. He’s trying to do the right thing, like Tony.

Now, this kid has such literal hero worship going, and he’s so damn inexperienced, he admits that. And Tony’s still got Charles Spencer’s mom in his head. He’s dead, Stark. And I blame you.

Can Tony really take this kid—actual minor kid younger than Charles was—take him and put him on the field against the goddamn Avengers? That woman out there with the dead husband and the ring around her neck, what’s he going to say if Peter gets hurt, or worse? Sure the kid obviously has skills but, can he risk another grieving mom?

So, maybe Tony’s rethinking this. Maybe he can still get out of this, improvise a Plan B. But then there’s a text from Nat or Ross. Where are you? We’ve only got a few hours, what’s the play?

Special circumstances, nobody in that group is really gonna fight to kill…it’s special circumstances, and he can keep the kid mostly sidelined.

This time, he doesn’t have to blackmail Peter. He doesn’t have to threaten to expose his secret. Peter’s willing, either because he genuinely wants to, or he feels he owes Tony a debt. So there goes the dick factor of Tony literally blackmailing a child. And the lack of questions Peter seems to ask about what he’s fighting for, the acceptance of vague answers, that’d also make more sense in this context.

In this version, Tony is both more and less of a dick. He’s doing less active threatening and manipulation…but he’s also being doubly manipulative. His genuinely good deed gives him an easy in with the Parkers. He’s playing on the credibility of an earlier, at least somewhat better version of himself. One who saved Peter Parker and hadn’t yet ended Charles Spencer.

Look, I won’t lie, I legit don’t know what I’m saying anymore, except that Marvel sucks for taking credit for a thing that they definitely do not have credit for. Which isn’t particularly new for them, and wouldn’t particularly matter if the thing they took credit for (and didn’t do anything with) could’ve offered some interesting story possibilities.

[lovely-v]

LOTR (films) Review

So I finally watched the LOTR films (20 years later). I’m super excited to review these because I read the books very recently so I feel at least a little prepared to voice some opinions. Overall I loved the films, here’s a very long (but by no means exhaustive) compilation of my thoughts, which are of course, totally subjective:

(Warning: a lot of me saying “well, actually, in the book...”)

THINGS I LIKED

- Casting! not much to say here, I thought the casting was great. One of my favorite actors that I didn’t think i’d have a huge opinion on was David Wenham as Faramir. I was kinda ambivalent on him when I saw pictures but i thought he did a great job. he showed his quality.

- Music. so much has been said about the films on the music front. I can’t offer too much original insight but when a bit of the Shire theme started to play as Frodo tries to make his way up Mount Doom I cried a little.

- Boromir and Aragorn. I liked the scene where they interact a little in Rivendell. I also like how Aragorn saves Boromir in the Moria battle and gives him this little nod of friendship. I think the films did a great job portraying the dynamic they have where Aragorn is clearly suspicious of Boromir’s motivations but grows to respect him to the point where he doesn’t even blame Boromir for being corrupted by the ring because he understands that, at heart, Boromir is a good person. 

- Sam and Frodo in Osgiliath. I expected to be kind of annoyed with the way this plot point played out (I knew ahead of time that it strayed from the book), but I actually liked it a lot. As I’ll say later, there’s some gripes I have with the way the films extremely play up the disagreements between Frodo and Sam, but I loved the scene where Frodo pulls the sword on Sam and then seems so defeated when he realizes what he’s done. I was pleasantly surprised by how emotional this scene made me. It’s admittedly A Lot, but it was done nicely, especially in conjunction with Sam’s “there’s good in this world” speech.

- Treatment of the ending. I almost think I should dislike the ending as it is in the movies, but my heart is soft and I like that they sugarcoated it a bit. I know the whole point of the Scouring of the Shire and Frodo’s depression conveys a lot about war and trauma and I think that is important, but after watching these things for twelve hours I just wanted Frodo & co. to be happy and I was kinda relieved that they cut the Scouring. Does that make me weak and perhaps bad at film analysis? yes. do I care? no. I was also very glad that the movies didn’t portray how depressed Sam was about losing Frodo in the end. Yes, he cries, but when he walks home to his family he seems happy and in the books that scene came off so much bleaker. I definitely liked the lighter tone.

THINGS I WAS NEUTRAL ON/DIDN’T LIKE

- Arwen. (Neutral) I don’t hate her, I don’t love her. I think the story she and Aragorn have is compelling and I 100% get why the filmmakers decided to add it to give her character more depth, but it felt misplaced at times. maybe it’s just because it was the only storyline I didn’t know in depth, but the scenes with the Arwen/Aragorn flashbacks felt a bit confusing and disorienting. Don’t have anything against Arwen as a character though, I think she’s pretty alright.

- Gimli. (Complicated thoughts) I want to start off by saying I don’t dislike Gimli. I like him a lot! I just think the movies did him a bit dirty. He had some good movie-exclusive moments, but I think his character really fell into this place of being the butt of too many jokes. Would have liked to see some more serious Gimli development, especially with his relationship to Legolas. Their friendship felt too much like subtext here, whereas it’s explored far more in the books.

- Two Towers Pacing. (Didn’t really like). The pacing of TTT was...weird. maybe I’m going into this with a closed mind because of the books, but it was odd to have the movie begin with Frodo and Sam and then have them only appear for a few rapid scenes after that. I think the fact that a WHOLE LOT of what happens to Frodo and Sam in TTT is moved to RotK is what makes it feel that way? In the books, Two Towers ends with Sam discovering that Frodo isn’t dead from Shelob’s sting, and I was surprised by how long it took the movies to get to that part. However, I will give the films a little leeway because I think they needed Frodo & Sam content for RotK, since most of what happens in that book is them walking through Mordor basically starving and dying. Doesn’t make for great cinema I guess, so they had to put the whole Shelob/Cirith Ungol saga into the final film. Still, I think there’s a weird lack of Frodo and Sam’s presence in TTT.

- The go home/missing bread arc. (Full of rage abt this one) yeah. so. my criticism of this is gonna sound pretty tired because people complain and complain about this part of RotK. but I’m gonna complain some more!! I don’t think the split between Frodo and Sam does anything for the plot. I really don’t. I guess it emphasizes the fact that Sam doesn’t understand how much Frodo is projecting onto Gollum, but it’s just. unnecessary angst? They had enough angst in the Osgiliath scene! Which I actually liked! And it simply doesn’t make a lot of sense for Frodo to suspect Sam of eating the bread when Sam had already offered Frodo his own food and made it clear that he would very much starve if it meant making sure Frodo could eat. But what I hate most about this scene is not that Frodo gets mad and tells Sam to go home. No. It’s that Sam actually... thinks about doing that? he actually? goes down the staircase? emotionally this is bad because Sam clearly cared enough about Frodo to follow him this far, to nearly drown for him, so why would he leave now. Practically this is bad because 1. how would Sam get out of Mordor alone and 2. where would he go. He turns around almost immediately, yes, but what was his plan. where was he going. why.

THINGS I LOVED

- For Frodo! This line, and every other shoutout to Frodo. In the books, they didn’t really actively talk about/worry about Frodo (and Sam) as much as they do in the movies. I like that they talk about Frodo more in the movies! I like that they’re thinking about him! I know it was implied that they were in the books, but I really like how it’s shown here. I think it gave a more complete picture of how much they all care about him on a personal level in addition to just needing him to succeed from a pragmatic standpoint. 

- Merry and Pippin! I feel like Merry and Pippin were so well rounded in the films. I’ve heard criticism about them being turned into comic relief characters (which they always were a little bit) but it honestly didn’t feel that way to me. They had a bit of a rough start because the films didn’t make their motives for going with Frodo as deep as the books did, but I think that by TTT they were absolutely amazing characters in every scene. In RotK their respective arcs hit really well and the scene where Pippin is singing to Denethor? *chef’s kiss* poetic. beautiful. sad. idk man I just feel like I have such a newfound appreciation for Merry and Pippin.

- Parallels! people have pointed out the parallel of Frodo and Sam’s hands before (drowning scene/mount doom scene) and I love how the movie did that. Just stunning. Also! The moving of the Smeagol & Deagol scene to RotK surprised me because in the books it was like,,,at the beginning of Fellowship, but I think the placement of it in the movies really helped emphasize the similarities between Smeagol & Deagol and Frodo & Sam (and how much Frodo fears this similarity.) There were a lot of other well done parallels between storylines and a few bits of dialogue that were repeated with great timing, but I can’t remember all of them at the moment.  

Edit: here’s one I remembered! when Frodo wakes up after being rescued and sees Gandalf, he says Gandalf’s name in a very similar tone to the one he used at the very beginning of Fellowship. It was a nice little subtle connection.

- I can’t carry it for you...alright this is self-indulgent. everyone knows I love this line. I’m just so glad it made it into the movie intact. Sean Astin’s delivery was amazing. I cheered. My mom cheered. It’s a raw line and it makes me feel secret emotions...like if shrimp colors were feelings. that line makes me feel shrimp feelings. idk i’m so tired i just watched twelve hours of movies this review is decreasing in quality by the minute but i’m about done for now anyway

Various silly afterthoughts

- I would have liked to see Sam kiss Frodo’s hands at least once. This happens 50 thousand times in the books, they could have given me one scene. one little extended edition scene. Please Peter Jackson I’m dyin’ out here

- They literally made Gollum so hateable. kinda the point yes, but I was so on board with Sam’s murderous rage. I know why Gollum’s a profoundly complex character, I know why Frodo pities him, I know why murder is bad, but I too would throw hands with that creature. also he literally body shamed Sam so much what was that skdjksdjksd. Sam is lovely. let him commit a small homicide. 

- the scene where merry and pippin drink the tall boy juice (as someone once referred to it in the tags of one of my posts)... not accurate to the books (since they don’t ever drink it with the end goal of getting tall) but so accurate to life. if I found some water that made me taller than my friends? let me at it

- Frodo panicking when he falls into the spider webs. so real bestie. i felt just as panicked watching that. i am terrified of spiders and Elijah Wood did an amazing job doing exactly what i’d do in the situation. yelping a lot and falling down.

- I feel like it’s never stated that Sam’s a gardener (or at least that he’s specifically Frodo’s gardener) until he tells Faramir he is. Did I miss this. Or do they really never say.  are you just meant to know. are you just meant to pick up gardener vibes from him.

*

This has been a very chaotic lotr movie review. Thanks for reading.

[about-faces]

The director Joel Schumacher has passed away, and everyone's reactions have boiled down to two topics: 1.) "He was the guy who made the bad Batman films," and 2.) "Hey, he did lots of great films besides the bad Batman films!"

Thing is... I get it. I remember being a teenage comic fan in the 90's. Not just any comics: especially Batman! But ESPECIALLY Bart especially Two-Face. I remember how "Joel Schumacher" was a name that could invoke white-hot rage in myself and everyone in the fandom. He was our modern equivalent of Dr. Fredrick Wertham, the boogyman who had (far as we were concerned) single-handedly destroyed the mainstream credibility of superheroes.

Look at that picture, and try to imagine that this was the face so loathed and mocked by Batman fanboys in the 90′s.

Never mind that Schumacher didn't WRITE the Batman films. The main credit for that goes to Akiva Goldsman, who has gone on to win an Oscar and continues to find A-list success despite ruining other geek properties like Jonah Hex and Dark Tower. Never mind that Schumacher was at the mercy of producers who wanted the movies to be nothing more than merchandise machines and toy commercials. No, Schumacher was the only name associated with the films, and he was cast at the villain.

The fact that he was openly gay played no small part in making him an easy target.

One year after the disastrous release of the infamous Batman & Robin, the beloved fan-favorite cartoon Batman: The Animated Series (then rebranded as The New Batman Adventures on the WB network) produced an episode that featured a pointed jab at Schumacher. The episode was titled "Legends of the Dark Knight," a reworking of a classic 70's Batman tale where a group of kids share their own ideas of what the mysterious Batman is really like.

Halfway through the episode, the kids are overheard by another kid, who shares his own ideas about Batman. The kid, whose name is Joel, has long dirty-blond hair, and works in front of a store which bear the sign "Shoemaker," despite clearly being a department store. He waxes dreamily about the reasons he loves Batman: "All those muscles, the tight rubber armor and that flashy car. I heard it can drive up walls!"

This last line--a reference to a silly bit in Batman Forever--he says as he flamboyantly tosses a pink fur stole around his neck. To drive home the joke, one of the kids dismisses, "Yeah, sure, Joel."

At the time, it seemed like a cathartic joke for us REAL Batman fans. Now, it's clearly just cheap and gross. Instead of any actual criticism about the films, Joel Schumacher was just seen--even if just subconsciously--as the fruit who ruined Batman.

Over time, the hatred for Schumacher lessened. Starting with Blade, X-Men, and Spider-Man, on through to Batman Begins, Iron Man, and onward, superhero movies became huge mainstream successes, with greater fidelity to the source material than most adaptations we saw up to the time that Schumacher "killed" the superhero movie. There was no point in hating him anymore, if there ever was (again, Goldsman more deserves that ire, if you're gonna be angry about anyone. Why does he still get work?! WHY IS HE NOW WRITING FOR STAR TREK?!?!).

But even still, especially among Millennial and Gen-X fans, Schumacher is still--at best--considered a low point for fandom. Even though the same generations have come to appreciate and love some of his other films, such as The Lost Boys, Phone Booth, and the chillingly-prescient Falling Down, there's still this need for people to dismiss the Batman films as embarrassments that are best forgotten in favor of Schumacher's better films. And if they're to be remembered at all, it's to trash them all over again in a tone suggesting that the films are objectively, irredeemably bad.

Except they're not. Oh sure, if you go in looking for a grim and gritty capital-M "Mature" take on Batman, of course you'll hate them, just like you probably also hate the Adam West Batman show. Remember, that show also used to be hated by decades of Batman fans because of how it didn't take the comics seriously.

... except it did. The show was VERY faithful to the Batman comics of the 50's, which often out-weirded and out-sillied its TV counterpart. If anything, the show made some of those stories even more entertaining with camp value and jokes that added different levels of enjoyment to the adults watching. Comic fans resented how Batman became a pop culture joke, and increasingly fought against anything that was colorful and campy (which makes me wonder if this might also be related to latent homophobia). Whether or not they admitted/realized it, the Batman fans of the 70's and 80's carried a chip on their shoulder about a show that DARED to make Batman FUN.

And really... how is that any different than Schumacher's two films?

You don't have to agree, but I think Schumacher's films are fun. I think Batman Forever is highly entertaining, that Tommy Lee Jones and Jim Carrey are bringing their hammy A-games as much respected actors like Burgess Meredith and Caesar Romero brought to their roles. Same goes for Arnold and especially Uma in Batman and Robin. They KNOW what movies they're in, and they're all having a blast.

(How many of us remember the exact line Eddie says at this moment? I bet you probably do too, which should tell you something about how memorable this movie is)

Now, BF and particularly B&A are by no means GOOD movies, but you can't tell me that you couldn't have a blast putting the latter on at a party and riffing it with friends. It's not a pretentious, ponderous, self-serious slog like, say, the shit Zack Snyder cranked out (apologies to the one or two cool Snyder fans here, I just find his films interminable). Even besides the many things I could say to defend Schumacher's Batman films (that's a whole other essay), you can't say they were boring. They were entertaining, even if on a level of making fun of the film, and that is NOT as easy as it looks.

Let me put it to you this way: Batman Forever has, objectively, one of the worst takes on Two-Face I've ever seen. He's one-note, he's kind of a rehash of Nicholson's Joker, he gets completely overshadowed by the Riddler, he gets killed by Batman in a way that completely betrays the whole “DON’T KILL HARVEY” arc with Robin, and worst of all, he CHEATS on the coin toss. That alone would be enough for me to condemn this depiction in any other Two-Face story.

And yet, even I--the most passionate, opinionated, and picky Two-Face fan you will EVER know--still have a soft spot for Tommy Lee Jones' take on ol' Harv. He’s just too fun, too flamboyant, too damn extra not to love. If only all bad takes on Two-Face could be this fun!

But that’s the thing: it’s not because the script was good. Oh god no. I've read the script, and if it were put on the page like a comic, I would have hated it just like any other bad Two-Face comic. I have to imagine that, as director, Joel Schumacher deserves the bulk of the credit for pushing the restrained and laconic Tommy Lee Jones into that oversized performance, and making it a delight to watch despite everything it does wrong.

I'm rare for my generation to have learned how to stop worrying and love Schumacher's Batman. But the younger generation, the up-and-coming Gen-Zs getting into Batman, don't share the same grudges we did. There's a genuine, shame-free enjoyment of those films among The Kids, many of whom are LGBTQA+, who love the jokes, the silliness, the camp, the Freeze puns, the swag of Uma Thurman, and the homoerotic subtext between Two-Face and the Riddler. Maybe it's just a reaction to so much GRIM, SERIOUS shit that DC and their fanboys are trying desperately to push even today.

But comics--especially Batman--have a long history of colorful, stupid, fun shit. Schumacher's films carried on in that tradition, and they should be appreciated on their own merits by those of us who aren't limited by narrow ideas of what Batman "should" be, and who still remember how to have fun.

Schumacher's Batman films should no longer be seen as embarrassments. They didn't ruin superheroes. They didn't ruin Batman. They didn't even ruin Two-Face. Nor should they be disregarded in favor of Falling Down, like losers in a respectability competition. They're fun. They're entertaining. And they didn't pretend to be anything else.

And if you still think they're bad... I mean, objectively, you're not wrong! But be mindful of the reasons WHY you think they're bad, because on another subjective level, you may not be right either. And it's certainly not worth holding a geek-grudge over after twenty-five years.

[towritecomicsonherarms]

I know you're from England and don't have guns over there like we in the States do, but maybe you could answer this. I got this idea in my head that without holding back, Spider-Man's punches would be either as powerful or maybe more powerful than a 50 cal. Would you say that's about right or would you say that's incorrect? Seeing him punch holes through cars and concrete and shit, I figured he would, but I figured I'd ask an expert about this. Aka, a comic nerd who's also really smart, you.

I love questions like this because i get to go and learn about what happens when someone gets shot with a 50 cal round.

I think Rambo 4 got it pretty spot on tbh

a 50 cal round can and will take off limbs and will basically disintegrate a torso.

Now. For the Spideymans. Spidey is probably the most powerful street level hero in marvel tbh. He’s in his own weight class. He has a deadly combination of speed and power and agility. His strength rating has fluctuated over the years.

So. Let‘s say Spidey is a 10 tonner. He’s been stronger. WAY stronger. but 10 tonnes is enough for this. The world record for a deadlift is 1,104.52 pounds by Hafthor Bjornsson. So Spidey is roughly 19 times stronger than him.

The worlds fastest punch is apparently 45 mph.

Let’s say that spidey is only ten times faster than a human being it means he’s hitting at 450 mph.

So combine his strength and power and he’s gonna be hitting EXTREMELY hard and fast.

The strongest recorded punch in the world is apparently equivalent to being hit by a Ford Escort going as fast as it can (85mph) or getting hit by a 12 pound sledgehammer swung overhead.

So.Imagine that but ten times more powerful and faster.

Now. The average PSI for a boxers punch ( pound-force per square inch ) is apparently 700 PSI. Once again. Let’s say spidey can do 10 times that. That’s 7000 PSI per punch. Also a punch coming at you a 450 mph.

You know what the most powerful animal bite in the world ever recorded is?

3960 psi. A saltwater crocodile. A crocodile can bite through steel.

SO! In conclusion.

Spider-man can hit you at more than 450mph with enough power to punch through steel. And he can do this a lot as he has the stamina. I’m pretty sure if he was to unleash the beast he could make people look like they’d been shot by a 50 cal bullet.

Also

When Doc Ock was spideymans he punched the jaw off of Scorpion who has enhanced durability.

Breaking glass meant to stop mortar shells.

One finger KO!

[parkmuse]

Ultimatum (M)

Word Count: 10,339 (Reposted) (Wonhopes Masterlist)

Your pervy, idiotic boyfriend just so happens to also be your friendly neighborhood Spider-man (in bed).

cr.

“I love you so much baby,” He hums, kissing you sweetly on the tip of your nose.

“Shut the fuck up and let’s just get this over with okay?” You groan over the silk sheets, arms laced tightly against the headrest as you get more and more impatient from the restrains.

“I love it when you use your dirty mouth with me,” He grunts, erection getting much more prominent in his blue-red tights.

You roll your eyes, “Jungkook can we just-“

He puts his clothed finger on your lips, shushing you. “Nuh uh uh, you promised you’d call me by my other name.”

You open your mouth to try and chomp on his finger, but he quickly retracts before you can do any damage. You give him a sweet smile when he smirks right back at you.

“…Can we please hurry and do this, Mr. Peter Parker?”

“Noooo Y/N! You’re not supposed to know my real identity yet! Do we have to go over this again? I found out you were trapped here, swoop on in to save the day, you’re shocked and extremely turned on from me saving you and start seducing me, and then I fuck you into oblivion as Spiderman.”

“Yeah but nowhere did you mention I’d be tied to the bed by your stupid fake spider webs-“

“No complaining! You said you’d play along,” He pouts, the spider symbol on his chest jutting out as he crosses his arms.

You only agreed to this because your dumb ass boyfriend begged you nonstop for weeks to fulfill his one fantasy he’d been dreaming of probably almost all of his horny teen life until now. You really didn’t know what the hype was with this superhero roleplay and how it could possibly get someone off, but literally even you brushing your elbow against him by accident can have him up and ready in a matter of seconds. Many instances of accidentally touching him in public led to public bathroom quickies or doing it in the car to which you couldn’t really complain since he would give you a piece of relief as well. This scenario really proved much harder to collaborate with though.

“Okay okay, I’m sorry.” You sigh. Your arms are really starting to hurt and he would probably give you the cold shoulder for weeks if you made him stop now, so the less you talked the quicker you’d get this over with. “Let’s do this spiderboy.”

“SpiderMAN!”

“Okay, Spiderman.” What’s the difference anyway?

“Okay. Now get into position.”

Aren’t you already in position? You can’t fucking move an inch.

You bothered not making any snarky comeback so he can resume. You watched him pick up a thin cloth on the bedside table, slipping on his mask before walking out the bedroom door and shutting it closed.

It’s silent for about a good 15 seconds. Where did he go?

You hear the door creak open and you’re met with his dumb ass masked figure. “Did you forget your lines?”

Even if you can’t see it, you know his face is scrunched up in annoyance by the tone of his voice.

“O-Oh right, sorry.”

He turns and closes the door again.

You clear your voice, “H-Help! I’ve been kidnapped! I’m so scared, I-if someone hot and strong could only come and save me…” You internally curse yourself from agreeing to this bullshit.

You jump in place when the door is kicked open, slamming against the wall.

“Have no fear young broad, your friendly neighborhood Spiderman is here!” He hops onto the bed dramatically, crouched and looking around frantically with his hands ready to spit out fake webs to any nonexistent thugs in the room.

“I’ve taken down the 50 guys in the other room with no problem whatsoever, you’re safe now pretty lady.” You try not to burst out laughing at his ridiculous remark, but swallow up your sounds. He moves above you, leaning forward to remove your hands from the laces. Finally.

You’re waiting for him to release you, but he halts his movements. You’re looking at him in confusion until he whispers to you.

“Do the next thing we talked about.”

“Oh…right.” You sigh.

“I was so, so scared, thank you so much for saving me,” You say as dramatically and helplessly as you could muster up.

He gestures you to continue.

“Oh…a-and um, you were like so, so sexy too. How could I possibly make it up to you?” You wrap your legs around his waist, pulling his hips closer to yours.

“It’s no problem Miss. I don’t need to reap any rewards for good deeds.”

“Great, so if you could just untie me then we can go on our separate ways-“ You start releasing your grip from him but then you hear him huff.

“Y/N,” he whines under the fabric, “You said you’d do this for me.”

“Are you really gonna make me say the next line??” He removes the mask and you see him give you a pout, eyes looking as disappointed as when he missed Stan Lee at Comic Con last year from getting stuck in traffic. He knew it was your biggest weakness, and you couldn’t possibly say no to him after he showed you that.

You groan again, eyes darting away from him as he waits for you to continue.

“Can you help me out with another problem?”

He tugs the mask back on, “Of course, anything for a damsel in distress.”

Fuck this guy.

“Y-You’re making my…my s-spidey senses tingle,” You felt like gagging. “Please, Mr. Spiderman, h-help me out.”

“I can’t possibly leave someone in need like this high and dry, especially a beautiful little seahorse like you.”

“Did you just fucking call me a seahorse-“ Your question was cut short when he brings a hand to your thighs, fingers slowly inches upwards in feather light touches. Your breath hitches in your throat, his other hand already working on unbuttoning your shorts and shimmying them off your hips. He moves downwards and grabs your legs, planting your feet flat on the bed with his hands resting on your knees.

He brings a finger to trace down your clothed slit, sending shivers down your spine. How the fuck could you possibly be turned on after all this? You have no idea.

As he digs a finger deeper along your warmth, you feel your juices soaking your thin lace panties. He uses two fingers to push the fabric to the side, stretching your folds out to get a good look at your already leaking core.

“My my my, I think I’ve found a way to resolve the drought crisis in this town.”

“Oh my god, could you please shut the- oh fuck!”

He dips his head down between your legs, partially lifting up his mask to latch his mouth onto you. He flattens his tongue against you, getting a full taste of your wet juices before nibbling your bundle of nerves. You moan out loud, hands balling into fists as you arch your back and clench your legs around his head.

He pries your thighs open, pushing them flat against the bed as he thrusts his tongue much deeper into you, nose nestling right against your curls.

“F-Fuck, oh my god, Jung-“

“Shhh, my frisky little chinchilla, call me what I want to be called and how we rehearsed,” he hums, nipping lightly on your inner thighs, “And maybe I’ll reward you.”

You have no idea where all these weird ass nicknames are coming from but try your hardest to overlook it, forcing yourself to get back into character for him as much as you hated it. One of his hands are drawing circles on your thighs while the other is slowly prodding at your entrance, ready to take you right where you want to be if you cooperated.

“P-please Spiderman, touch me more.”

“Mmm, yeah? You want more?”

“Yes! Please, give it to me.”

He hums, “Oh yeah?” He removes the mask and looks straight into your eyes. “You want to see how much web this spider can shoot?”

You swear to god you dried up instantly. “Jungkook,” You groan.

“You said you’d play along!”

“Yeah but not when you’re throwing out all you’re dumb superhero puns!” You huff. “Seriously, I think it’s the Sahara down there now.”

He raises a brow at that, scoffing as you see him move his hands to rest on your thighs. He smooths one closer over to your core, his thumb resting directly on your swollen clit, making your breath hitch in your throat.

“Really? You’re not feeling it anymore baby?” He digs the pad of his thumb into you, pressing tight circles that makes you cry out.

“What a shame. I was gonna eat you out for hours and make you cry for my dick so all the neighbors could hear,” He alternates between tracing over your folds and back to your neglected clit that aches for more than just his fingers, “And after I got you all ready for my cock I was really going to fuck you senseless you know.” He licks his lips, probing the tip of his finger at your entrance.

“Watching that pretty little face writhe into the sheets, taking those gorgeous tits into my mouth and make you take it like the good girl I know you are…” You clench over nothing as you whine loudly over that remark. He pushes his finger deep into your cunt, curling upwards and finding your spot almost instantaneously, making you scream his name.

“Pounding into your pussy where I know you love it the most…”

“J-Jungkook,” You whimper as he slowly but harshly presses against the spot that makes you feel like you’re going to explode at any moment.

“Have you begging for my cock and make you cum all night until you couldn’t walk for the next three days,” He hums as you arch yourself into his fingers, attempting to make him go faster.

He pushes your hips down and releases himself from you, the ache in your pussy almost unbearable from the loss of fullness. You slightly tear up from the feeling, looking up at him with your lips between your teeth.

Smirk plastered all over his face he wraps his lips over his wet fingers as he sucks away all your juices. “Mmm,” He tsks, “What a damn shame.”

“Jungkook,” You mewl in the smallest and neediest voice possible, “Please.”

“What is it, baby?” He feigns innocence.

“I need you,” You whimper, “I need you so bad.”

He grunts in response, pretending to think when you knew he loved it when you begged.

“I don’t know, I don’t think you want it enough Y/N,” He says with a sigh, to which you loudly protest.

“No! I want it Jungkook, believe me I want it!” You cry, tears brimming at your cheeks, “I want you to fuck me, make me forget about all those bad guys in the other room. Show them who’s I am, I’ll take it like a good girl Spiderman.”

He tongues his cheek at that, watching you as you spread your legs further to reveal your sopping wet core, completely ready for him. He grunts, reaching to palm himself through his tights as he leans forward to connect your lips. You moan into his mouth, letting him ravage you as his hands explore your body. He hikes your shirt up to your stomach, grazing his fingers over your torso before dipping his fingers under the hem of your bra. He uses his other hand to unclasp them, tossing them aside as he squeezes a handful, making you moan. He disconnects from you to attend to your breasts, kneading and sucking on them as you whimper.

He kisses down your stomach until he reaches where you need him the most. He places a soft, delicate kiss right on top of your pussy, having you writhe from beneath him.

“Call me your daddy.”

“Ahh, there! Wait…I’m, You—what?”  

“You heard me Y/N. Call me your daddy…daddy long legs.” He says it in the most serious expression possible, making you gawk at him. You squeeze his head between your thighs, hoping you could somehow choke his annoying ass to death.

“Are you fucking kidding me Jungkook?!”

He pries your thighs open, dodging your fatal move. “Dead serious. You want this spidey dick or not?”

You throw your head back with a groan, hitting the headboard. More than half the time you don’t get why you’re with this man. Is it really worth all the headaches?

“I’m kidding,” He chuckles. He kisses the inside of your thigh.

“You did good sweetheart, now I’ll reward you.”

Before you can say anything he plunges a finger inside you, lapping up your bundle of nerves as you cry out loud. He reaches upward and massages your breasts, pinching a nipple as he starts to enter a second finger into your tight heat.

“Oh f-fuck! O-oh! Yes, Jungkook!” You moan, wrists burning from the amount of times you pull against the headrest. “Fuck, untie me. I want to t-touch you.”

He doesn’t listen, hands still plunging deeply into your sopping wet core as he laps up the excess. He curls his fingers upwards, making you thrash as he hits your spot relentlessly.

“J-Jungkook, please, please untie me,” You beg, wanting nothing more than just digging your fingers into his brown locks as you grind your hips onto his hot tongue.

You watch as he still doesn’t let up, enjoying every moment of you under submission. You whimper as you look down at him, his erection moments from bursting through the confines of his tights. You see him grinding himself against the bed for relief, rutting his hips harder each time you moan louder for him.

“Baby please, untie me,” You cry, lifting your hips in time to match his thrusts and grind your clit into his wet muscle.

He pulls up, face glistening in all your releases as his tongue swipes over his drenched lips. “I thought you were going to be a good girl for me.”

“I am! I will be, just please, I wanna fucking feel you.” Tears brim your eyes as you give him the best puppy dog eyes you can muster, nails digging deep into your palms that they form crescents. Jungkook knew you hated being restrained when it came to sex and all you wanted to do was grab a fistful of his hair as he worked his mouth against your aching wetness.

“Please,” You beg, “Please baby, I’ll do anything.”

“Anything?”

You knew at the sound of his tone he’s scheming something, but honestly, what could be worse than this?

“Yes, anything!” You groan, hips thrusting upwards to try and get any sort of relief.

“You said it honey bunny.” He kisses your inner thigh and smirks, sitting up and pushing himself off of you making the bed squeak. You watch him curiously as he leans over the side to grab something under the bed. He pulls out a shoebox, placing it beside you two before getting back to sit snugly between your legs again.

“What are you doing? What is that?” You look at him with furrowed brows, getting nervous as the stupid smile plastered on his face gets much wider.

“The best thing man has ever created.” He flips the box open, pulling out an extensively large green neon silicone rod. You stare at the foreign object in his hands, trying to figure out what the fuck it actually was.  

A baton? It didn’t really look like it since the stick got thinner as it reached closer to the tip. Plus, Jungkook was way much kinkier than to buy something like that.

And why is it green? Maybe it’s a peeled cucumber? But Jungkook isn’t that weird to keep it secured in a shoebox under the bed…

Then for some godforsaken reason, it clicked in your head. You didn’t fucking believe it, nor did you seriously want to believe what your boyfriend had ready to use under the bed you two shared almost every night. You immediately tried to squeeze your legs closed but firmly gripped his hips instead.

“Jungkook…are you fucking kidding me?” You said, voice laced in anger and disgust for what he really thought he was going to get away with right now.

He knew that tone anywhere, instantly flipping a switch in his personality to get on your good side.

“L-Look here, my Queen-“

“Don’t.”

You see his shoulders slouch, bottom lip jutting out as his eyes pout along with the rest of his face. “ But Pudding, you said you’d do anything-“

“Jeon,” You cut him off, “If you seriously think for one second that I’m going to let you shove a fucking tentacle dildo up my vagina you have another thing coming!”

Seven billion people in the world. Seven billion you got to choose from.

Seven.

Billion.

And this is who you chose to continue your life with.

You watch him whine above you, crossing his arms like a child that won’t get his way. “But baby, this costed me two paychecks! We can’t let it go to waste!”

“Is that my fault? Where did you even get that thing?!”

“At comic-con last year, duh!”

Of course.

“You could have gotten a comic book, a keychain, a signed photograph, a collectible…and that’s what you chose?”

“This is a collectible! It’s special edition! Look,” He moves to flip a switch on the base of the toy, beaming lights emitting from the tentacle. “It’s Spiderman edition, with blue and red lights. And look at the bottom here.” He shoves the base of the toy toward your face, making you frown in disgust. You see some black scribbling at the bottom, having no clue what he’s even trying to show you.

“What? What are you trying to show me?”

“Stan Lee signed it! The Stan Lee! You know I had to have it since I missed him, but at least I got this now,” He gushes, stroking the signature admiringly as he smiles to himself.

“And okay look, I know we got off on the wrong start with this but I really think you’re going to like all these other features,” He presses, not that you can stop his blabber mouth anyways since you’re literally all tied up. So he continues.

“Look here pickle, there’s a button down here that’ll activate the vibration settings,” He pushes a button at the base and the tentacle comes to life, the tip flopping wildly back and forth.

You flinch, “Jungkook, that seriously would tear my insides up!”

“Sorry that was maxigasm setting,” He pushes a few buttons and the toy slows, gently buzzing from the palm of his hand. “See? So there’s like fourteen different settings you can play around with. And as amazing as that all sounds, that’s not even the best part.” You hate the way he makes it sound, and you knew that this was just going to get much worse.

He turns the toy and you see a red switch, his finger lightly tracing over it. “And here fruit loop, here’s where the show really begins.” He presses the button and before you even comprehend what’s happening, white blobs ejaculate out from the tip of the dildo and onto your thigh, the liquid slowly streaming down your inner legs.

You scream instinctively, thrashing yourself against him. “What the fuck Jungkook?!”

“It squirts!” He gleams, bunny smile spread on his face while the red and blue blinking tentacle vibrator toy spurts out more liquid from its tip.

“Why would you buy that?! I don’t want tentacle cum on me GET IT OFF ME!”

“What? You really don’t like it?” His brows furrow, slight confusion written on his face. “But I even got it strawberry flavored, I know it’s your favorite.” He swipes the liquid from your thighs onto his pointer finger, slowly bringing it to your face. “Here, just give it a taste-“

You kick his face with your heel, throwing him backwards with the toy flying out of his hands and onto the edge of the bed.

He groans from the floor, rubbing his chin as he sits back up to give you an annoyed pout.

“What was that for?!”

“Can you quit being such a weirdo? Can we do something normal for once-“

“Like me fucking your face?”

You roll your eyes at that, but then the perfect idea comes to mind. You quickly cover up your annoyance with a sweet smile, “Okay, sure.”

Jungkook looks at you quizzically, thinking you wouldn’t agree so easily. “For real?”

“Yes, on one condition.” You pull your hands forward from the bed post, “Untie me and no tentacles.”

He pouts hearing your response, but nonetheless you can tell he’s thinking about it. You see him twiddling his thumbs, something he does when he’s deep in thought as he weighs the pros and cons of the situation. You know just the right buttons to push to get your way though.

“Jungkook, baby, you know you want it as bad as I do.” You lick your lips slowly, making sure he gets a good look at your pink muscle. 

“I want to taste your cock so bad,” You whine, arching your back off the bed, “Can I? Pretty please?” 

You saw the glint in his eyes, and immediately you knew you got the hook and sinker. You smile at him when you see him get up from his spot, seemingly making his way to untie you from the bedposts. Victory is not much far from here, and then you can finally give him a taste of his own medicine-

You hear the bed creak from the side, and next thing you know Jungkook is straddling your chest. 

“What are you-” You moan when he grabs your breasts, kneading them and pinching your sensitive nipple.

“You want it that bad huh? It’d be torture if I made you wait any longer,” He pulls his tights down his thighs, exposing his rock hard erection. You can’t help but drool a little over seeing the precum that leaks so deliciously down his cock, unconsciously making you lick your lips once more. 

He grabs your breasts once again, slipping himself in between. You can’t deny how fucking hot this is, watching his face contort in pure ecstasy as he uses you to relieve himself. You both groan at the feeling, your mewls spilling out between your lips as he flicks your nipples with each thrust. It makes you completely forget your proposition just a minute ago.

“Open up for me.” You oblige, sticking your tongue out when he pushes the tip of his warm cock to your mouth. You suckle on it, taking the opportunity to lap up all his precum and take the rest that’s threatening to spill out. He grunts above you, slowly pushing himself further into your tight little mouth.

“Fuck yes, that’s it.”  You relax your muscles, letting him guide his way into you. Your mouth always gets so full, his girth stretching you out in all the painfully right ways. 

“You’re such a good girl, taking me like this.” He’s halfway into you before he pulls back out, brushing his angry tip against your bottom lip. He decides to rest his hands on the back of your head, positioning you the right way for what’s to come. 

“Y/N!” He pushes back into you slowly as to not hurt you, going much deeper than the first time. The tears are already threatening to fall, but you can’t help but love every second of Jungkook whining above you, praising you, falling apart above you. As much as it hurts, you love when he really gets into it, thrusting deeply into your mouth that you feel him almost everywhere inside of you, making you gag all over his throbbing cock. 

“Mmm, yes, ah! J-just like that Sweetheart,” he groans.

Saliva spills from between your lips and down your face with each thrust, your head aching a bit from each time Jungkook braces himself when his tip reaches the back of your throat. You swallow each time he praises you, making you a moaning mess all over his dick.

“God, you’re so fucking hot,” He grunts, his balls slapping against your chin, “My cock was made to fuck your pretty little mouth.” He pulls out to let you breathe, tapping his dick against your bottom lip. You stick your tongue out to get another taste of him, making him hum.

“Look at you, so hungry for my cock.” He rubs himself against your cheek, letting you suck on his balls. He groans, pushing himself away from you. You whine at the lost, making him chuckle.

“You can’t sweetheart, I’ll come all over your beautiful face.” He resorts to pressing himself against your breast, the tip flicking your erect nipple. 

“Fuck,” You cry, wanting for him to do nothing more than what he just proposed, “Come all over me Jungkook, please.”

He grunts at your response, grinding himself harshly between the valley of your breasts. 

“As much as I want to, I’d rather fuck you full of my come.” You whimper at his words, your pussy throbbing over nothing as you clench your thighs in attempt to relieve yourself. It doesn’t work though, and what makes matters much worse is when you look up to see Jungkook closing a tight fist below his tip, veins popping from his neck and deep pants spilling out from his mouth above you. He slaps his cock against your chest a few more times, slowly regaining his composure again with a relieved sigh.

“You know, you’re so good to me.” He scoots back enough to lean down and give you a soft kiss, “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.” He moves to the headboard to untie your wrists, releasing you from the fake webs. 

Fucking finally.

You immediately rub your wrists, flinching at the red lines etched into your skin. He grabs your wrists and kisses them, “You good, baby? I didn’t go too far did I?”

Instead of answering you wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him in for a deep kiss. He moans into your mouth, letting you sneak your tongue into his warm cavern. Your tongues dance along each others as a fight for dominance, but Jungkook is almost putty in your arms once your lips wrap around to suck on his warm muscle, making him whimper. You take this as a chance to flip your positions, rolling around so you’re straddling him and his head is nestled between the pillows. He looks so fucked out from under you, cheeks tinted pink and sweat running down the sides of his face.

You lean down to pepper kisses down his jawline. “Jungkook,” You whisper as seductively as you can in his ear, “Are you feeling how wet you made me?” He moans when you grind yourself against him, letting out a breathy fuck yes as you continue to suck and nibble on the sensitive parts of his neck. You slip one of your hands down to your core, coating two fingers in your juices before bringing them back up to Jungkook’s plush lips. You sink your fingers into his mouth, humming as you feel his tongue wrap around your digits.

“Do you like that?” He moans around you to tell you how much he enjoys it.

“Do you want more?” You slip your fingers out with a pop, leaning down to kiss him once again. You feel him all over, running your hands up his biceps and guiding his arms slowly above his head in the most subtle way possible. 

“Do you want to feel me? Do you want me to sink down on your cock and fuck you til’ you fill me completely up with your come?” 

“God, yes,” He whimpers, so lost in your dirty talk and you nibbling against his jawline that he didn’t even notice you pinning his wrists above his head. You smile against his skin, 

“Well, you’re just going to have to wait until I’m done with you, bitch.” 

You secure the webs around his wrists, pulling his hands down to settle behind his head.

“What are you-” You muffle him up with his mask that was mindlessly thrown on the bedside counter, making sure it was lodged in there enough that he can’t make a peep.

“You’ve been talking way too much tonight babe, I think it’s time to shut you up.” He squints at that, brows furrowed as he tries to release himself from the webs.

“Nuh uh uh, you’re not going anywhere.” You climb over him quickly, trapping his arms under your thighs. His hands are stuck under his head with the weight of your body over him, not allowing him to move an inch. You wipe his hair out from his forehead, slicking it back from his face to meet his eyes. 

“It’s my turn.”

You pull the mask out of him, not even sparing him a second to breathe when you lower your pussy right onto his mouth. You moan when his tongue meets your neglected clit, relief finally washing over you as you sink yourself deeper into him. He moans, the vibrations racking through you as you grind yourself further into his mouth to feel as much as you can.

“Fuck, Jungkook!” You cry, one hand holding the bed frame to steady yourself while the other has a firm grip in his brown locks. You can hear the dribbling of your juices spilling out from his mouth as he tries his best to capture every drop. He delves his tongue deeper into your pussy, making sure you’re getting fucked by it while you grind your clit against his nose.

“Oh god, yes, Jungkook,” You’re going insane as he thrusts his wet muscle repeatedly into you, your thighs tightening against the sides of his face. You roll your hips into him, mewling as he doesn’t stop pleasuring you from below. As much as you didn’t want to stop, you lift yourself up briefly to let him breathe.

Both of you are panting, eyes boring into each other as you collect yourselves for a moment.

“-get it,” You hear him murmur from below you. 

“What?” You looked at him in confusion, not catching what he said before.

“I said, you’re gonna fucking get it,” he growls, “Just wait.” You’re sure you’re supposed to be a little scared of his threat, but can’t help but think about how fucking hot he looks right now. His jaw is clenched, chin and mouth glistened in you. You swipe a bit from his face and place your thumb on his bottom lip, smearing it nicely over him. His tongue darts out to lick your thumb, making you hum. 

“Don’t worry babe, I know I’m gonna get what I want.” You use your thumb to pull his lip downward, “Open up for me.” 

He complies, sticking his tongue out as your pussy hovers inches above him. You let your juices drip from out of you, groaning as you watch him catch every drop with a satisfied hum. 

“Do you love tasting me?” You hear him hum a god yes before you lower yourself onto him once more, throwing your head back once he starts assaulting your core in all the right ways. Your toes curl in on you as you ride his face, whimpering his name as the headboard thuds loudly against the thin walls. 

“Oh my god, Jungkook, yes, yes, there!” You cry, egging him on further to let you reach your high.

“S-so, ah! Fucking good,” you moan as you continue grinding into his hot tongue, your cries slowly progressing into high pitched screams when he gets himself in deeper than ever before.

“J-Jungkook, Jungkook, g-gonna, ah!” You dig your nails into the headboard when you come, riding your high out as he continues to thrust himself in and out of you. He moves to roll his tongue against your nub, causing you to cry out once more as your hips grow more erratic through your orgasm. The feeling keeps coming in waves, and Jungkook never seizes until your hips slowly come to a halt, pulling yourself off of him as the overstimulation becomes too much to handle. 

You rest your head against his chest, exhaustion washing over you as your eyelids become heavy. You always fall asleep rather quickly after an orgasm, especially after a good one like that. You’re already slowly drifting off to sleep when you hear a loud tear above you, making you flinch. You look up to find Jungkook’s wrists free from the confines of the web, hands slowly moving to get a firm grip on your waist. He’s staring daggers at you, nostrils flaring with his lips in a tight, thin line. 

Fear floods you when you realize you really got yourself in for it. “J-Jungkook,”

You yelp when he flips you over, back hitting the bed. He wastes no time shoving your legs opened, resting himself in between. 

“Wait, baby-” 

You cry when he slaps your clit, rubbing a tight circle with the pad of his thumb. He uses his pointer and middle finger to trace your drenched folds, tsking as he looks up at you with dark eyes.

“You’re such a fucking brat, you know that?” He continues to sink his fingers into your wetness, bringing them up for you to see all your release.

“Taking what you want, then making a mess like this and not even bothering to clean it up. Such a spoiled fucking brat.” 

He moves his fingers to your mouth, pushing them in for you to lap up all your excess. You moan, using your tongue to get each and every drop that he offers to you.

“That’s right, clean your cum off my fingers, nice and clean.” He pulls out with a pop, pushing his hips closer to the back of your thighs. He moves your legs up so that it’s more elevated, then pulls your arms down towards him.

“Hold your legs up and spread yourself.” You listen, not wanting to push his buttons any further. You hold your legs by hooking your arms under your knees, spreading yourself out so that he has the perfect view of your pussy below. He grunts, biting his lip as he takes hold of his raging cock to give it a few strokes. You feel a spark in you ignite once more when you watch him pump himself, teeth caught between his lips as he stares intently at your wetness dripping down to the sheets. He stops himself and grabs hold of your inner thighs, placing his cock right in between your folds. He begins slowly grinding himself against you, pushing forward so his tip brushes against your clit ever so deliciously, making you moan.

He grunts above you, wet squelches echoing through the room as your slickness coats his length each time he ruts into your folds. As good as it feels, you can’t ignore the growing ache of wanting to be filled up by him, to have him ramming his cock into you and making you forget your own name for a few days.

“J-Jungkook,” You mewl, “Fuck, just put it in me!”

“No,” He grunts, “This is your punishment. You’re not getting it so easy this time, Y/N.”

He pushes harder against you, his tip almost being exactly where you needed him to be with each thrust but missing your entrance by literally a hair. Your pussy clenches over nothing each stroke, making you cry in frustration as tears start pricking your eyes. You try to grind back into him to feel more, but the position he has you in makes it impossible.

“P-please, Jungkook, just fuck me,” You whimper below him.

He ruts into you faster, your legs shaking from all the teasing. 

“No.” He pants, “This is what you g-get for being a b-brat.” He looks just as fucked out as you are, and although you know he wants nothing more than to drill you into his mattress, when he’s set on punishing you he keeps his word. You don’t know how long he’ll go on with this, but you’re so desperate you’re resorting for other ways to relieve yourself.

You moan, moving one of your hands to rub your clit. Jungkook shoves your hand away, 

“Don’t even dare, Princess.” 

You groan, hands balling into fists against the bedsheets. You were going insane.

“Jungkook, you have to let me- fuck, do something!” You whimper,  “At least fucking let me touch m-myself.” 

He rolls his hips into you slowly now, but deep and hard enough to have you writhing underneath him. 

“You want to touch yourself that bad? Fine, I’ll let you.” 

You sigh in relief when you hear him say that, reaching for your clit again. He grabs your hand before you reach it, shaking his head. “Not with that. With this.”

He grabs the tentacle dildo that you thought was long forgotten on the edge of the bed, the distasteful neon green filling your vision as he shoves it in front of your face. 

“A-are you fucking serious?” You thought you were done playing his games.

Apparently not.

“Take it or leave it babe, it’s up to you.” His cock sinks deeper into your folds once more, rubbing you in just the right ways. You can feel your orgasm building, but you know you need that little push to finally get you over the edge. 

You can’t believe he gave you this ultimatum. As much as you fucking hated this, you were so desperate that you didn’t have any other choice.

“UGH, FINE!” You groan out loud, grabbing the toy from his hand.

He has the biggest smile on his dumb face as he watches you play with the settings, making sure to avoid the deathly strawberry cum squirting option. You finally find the button that brings the toy to life, vibrating mildly against the palm of your hand. After having an inner battle with yourself that Jungkook is probably never going to let this go but you’re way too fucking horny to even care right now, you slowly bring the toy to your clit. You jerk when it makes contact with your nub, closing your eyes as the vibrations actually feel...really nice.

You play with it a little, moving it around to graze over your clit as you get more and more into the vibrations. You click the button to change it so it goes a bit faster, and after circling it around yourself you find the perfect spot that makes your toes curl. 

“Holy fuck,” You moan, grinding yourself into the toy as Jungkook continues to rub your folds.

“Someone likes this more than she thought she would,” You hear him comment, already seeing the smug smirk on his face but you’re too lost in your own world to care. You continue to circle the toy around you, your clit swelling as Jungkook holds your waist down to keep you from squirming so much. Just as you were really getting into it, the toy is whipped from your hand.

“What the fuck are you- oh!” Jungkook sets the toy at an even faster pace, pushing the toy harshly against your clit that has you a moaning mess.

“F-fuck, oh my god, Jungkook!” You cry, nails raking down his toned stomach.

“Shit, this is so fucking hot,” He grunts, grinding himself harder against you and allowing his tip to brush against the vibrator each time he thrusts, making him whine. “You fucking like that? Want more baby?”

You feel him tracing the toy away from your nub to your lower folds, brushing them against your entrance. Before he can push the toy into you you grab his wrist, halting his movement.

“O-one more move Jeon, and I’ll cut your dick off,” You pant tirelessly. Yeah, you’re desperate and you wanna be fucked, but you’re not THAT desperate.

You hear a small okay from him, bringing the toy back to your neglected clit. You moan, arching your back as he presses the toy against you, circling it around making you see stars. You feel your orgasm coming, and just when you thought it couldn’t feel any better, Jungkook clicks the toy to the highest setting, pushing his cock deep into your tight heat so suddenly you scream. 

“Jungkook!” Your body arches upward abruptly, the toy stimulating your clit intensely while Jungkook’s cock pounds into you simultaneously. All these feelings make your eyes roll back, thighs clenching around the toy and your pussy sucking in Jungkook that he has to stop before he spills into you. He holds you as you come down from your amazing high, peppering light kisses against your jawline. You feel limp, completely exhausted from this whole day that you want to take a 3 day nap. 

The toy continues to vibrate against your clit, pleasure slowly turning into pain as the overstimulation gets too intense.

“Mmm, Jungkook, take it off,” You groan. You see him visibly fumbling with it, pressing the keys but not bothering to take it off.

“Stop messing around and- ah! take it off,” you growl, not wanting to play around anymore. 

“I-I’m trying,” He says, and you feel him attempting to pull the toy off of you but your clit gets pulled with it, making you cry out. You feel the vibrations through your core and throughout your body, all your senses going into overload. The toy rapidly abuses your clit, and Jungkook isn’t making it any better as he basically pinches your nub along with each pull. You fist the sheets, whimpering as you feel another orgasm resurfacing, but the pain mixed with pleasure is almost too much for you to handle. You clench around his cock that’s still buried deep within you, causing him to jerk his hips forward with a moan. He hits your spot with that, pushing you over the edge once again and making you come a second time embarrassingly quick over his swelled cock. Jungkook whimpers as you tighten so deliciously around him, mumbling out fucks as he can’t help but rut himself into you a few times, you crying out his name as you finished riding out your high. 

Once your hips have fallen back down and you’re begging for him to make it stop, he finds the setting on the toy to turn it off. You pant, hair sticking to your face as sweat slides down your temples. 

“W-what the hell was that?” You manage to say over stuttered breaths, trying to muster up the best glare you could in his direction.

You see the slight panic in his eyes, and when he looks up you see him cover it up with innocent eyes and pouty lips. 

“Um, spider monkey...there’s just been a slight little hiccup,” He bites his lip, giving you a tight lipped smile.

“What? What is it?”

“W-well, um, it’s just-”

“Just spit it out, Jungkook.” You groan.

“It’s...the toy, it’s kind of...stuck?” You look down when he says that, seeing the toy still pressed up against your pussy.

“It’s what?” You look at him incredulously, blinking slowly as to process what he just said to you.

“It...one of the suctions on the toy, your...” He stutters, not having to even finish his sentence when you look down again, more intently.

You see your clit lodged into one of the suctions on the tentacle, completely wrapped around it. You scream when you see it, the worst scenarios coming to mind with each passing second.

“Oh my god, no no no-” You take the toy and pull it upwards, but you’re still so sensitive that it pains you so you stop. You try again, but to no avail.

You cry in frustration, throwing your head back into the pillows and covering your face in your hands.

“...B-baby?” Jungkook calls out to you after a few seconds of silence, concern laced in his voice.

“My clit...” You whisper, “My poor, poor clit.” You scream into your hands.

“Y-Y/N, it’s going to be okay-” 

“No it won’t!” You cry, “It’s in there! It won’t come out! You’re going to have to take me to the ER and they’re going to have to cut off my clit in this sex crazed tentacle act!” Jungkook tries to calm you down but you don’t listen and continue your tangent.

“She didn’t even do anything wrong, she just came out to have a good time,” You whimper in your palms, “She didn’t deserve this.”

“She?...Um, okay Y/N, she’s gonna be fine, I’m telling you babe,” He presses, reaching over to grab his phone. “I have a solution.”

“You do?” You look up at him, hopelessness washing away as you watch him tap away on his phone.

“Yeah, I really thought about it once I bought this, and just in case of an emergency I decided to get a warranty,” He continues pushing some buttons on his phone. “The dildo comes with troubleshooting with the manufacturer, I even have an app for it. Isn’t that cool?”

“So you just type in what model the toy is in here, and then it’ll transfer you over to your own personal assistant. And then from here...”

You see him moving the phone horizontally, angling it a certain way. 

“...Then you just take a picture and send it to them, telling them what the problem was. Then they’ll hit us back up in about an hour, and we’re all good-” You kick the phone out of his hand, hitting him in the chin along with it. He groans as he throws his head back, rubbing the spot you clipped him at. 

“Ow!”

“DON’T TAKE A PICTURE OF THIS! Why would you send a picture of my pussy to some rando!?” 

“Y/N, they are trained professionals. Privacy is their best policy. This has probably happened lots of times before-”

“I’M NOT SENDING NUDES TO YOUR DILDO COMPANY!” 

“I don’t know how to help you then,” He huffs, continuing to talk under his breath about how amazing their customer service is and how they would probably send some new products for this mess.

“You know, they’d probably even give me a money back guarantee over this.”

“My fucking clit is priceless Jeon, priceless.” You groan, not knowing what to do. “Fuck, my life is over! What do I even do now?! How do I live?!” 

How do you even tell someone about this? You let your weeb boyfriend mess around with his signature tentacle dildo collectible on you and then a freak accident happened, making you lose a vital part of your body? You’re going to die without your clit. What would people tell your parents at your funeral? How could you even show up to the ceremony, clitless?

“Y/N, stop being so dramatic. You have me!”

“No! That’s not enough!” You huff. His eyes widen and he touches his chest, visibly offended.

“Wow, I can’t believe you just said that.” He purses his lips as he watches you mourn over what you thought was a grave loss, assessing the situation. Having you mope like that is actually making him go soft. He has to fix this quick.

Then an idea pops into his head.

“Okay sweetheart, I think I know how to get this baby off of you.” You watch him pull out and push himself backwards, his face level with the toy. You look at him questioningly, wondering if he’s going to pull some careless act that’ll really have you saying goodbye to your best friend. She’s been there for all your life, all your ups and your downs, and you can’t lose her now after Jungkook’s one stupid act.

“It looks like its lodged up in there pretty good, but I think with enough slickness it’ll slip off.”

“And what are you gonna use?” You look at him, mildly concerned.

He looks at you smugly, “My best weapon.” 

Before you can respond he dips his head down, pushing his tongue to partly wrap around the suction. The sudden contact makes you yelp, thighs wrapping around his head. He uses his hands to keep your legs opened, lapping at the suction to get it more wet. You shudder when you feel the tip of his tongue sink into you, making you grab a fistful of his hair. 

“Jungkook,” You moan, “A-are you sure this is even gonna-ah! work?” It’s hard to concentrate when you feel his lips at your core, his tongue working wonders against you even though he doesn’t mean to. 

“I’m Spiderman baby, I’m always here to save the day. And in this case, my mission is to rescue this clitoris-” You shove his face deeper into your cunt, muffling him up.

“Okay, just do what you gotta do Jungkook and for the love of god, stop talking.”

He mumbles something incoherent, but nonetheless gets back to work. You feel him working against your core, trying his best to soak the area enough to try and slip off the toy. He grabs hold of the toy, slowly pulling it upward but you still feel the pressure of it pulling you with it. The pain gets masked by the pleasure of  Jungkook pressing his tongue against your spot, slowly making your insides tingle with a burning want as you feel your lower stomach coiling for more contact. You instinctively pull his face closer to you, moaning as your hips start slowly grinding into him. He pushes you down firmly, causing you to stop your ministrations.

“Stop moving, I think it’s almost off,” He continues to run his tongue against the base of your clit, making your pussy ache. You try your best to stay still for him, but his mouth feels so good you’re literally on the brink of another orgasm. You try to recount all the weird ass nicknames Jungkook’s been giving you all day, all the superhero puns he’s probably been waiting to say for months on this day, anything that’ll stop you from thinking about his wet muscle working you wonderfully down below. Just as you were repeating daddy long legs in your head, you couldn’t contain the loud moan when he tugs the toy upward a bit harshly, his lips wrapped around most of you as his tongue assaults your nub. You feel it, the wave of adrenaline rushing up just to drown you in a feeling of pure ecstasy. But before you can reach it, Jungkook removes the toy with a pop, whipping his face upwards to look at you with his big bunny smile.

“I did it! I did it! It worked, I told you!” He gushes over himself, “See, I knew I could save you! Spiderman is still as sexy and reliable as ever-” 

You cut off his little praise pitch early by getting up and shoving him down to the bed, crawling up on him to straddle his waist. You lean down to kiss him before he can speak, his lips melting into the kiss as his arms wrap around your waist.

“Thank you, Jungkook,” You kiss him again, “But we’re never fucking do that ever again.” He hums an I guess before you grab hold of his long neglected member, pumping it and making him shudder.

“You still haven’t come?” He shakes his head, cursing as you take one of his nipples into your mouth. You lightly suck on it, earning a moan from him.

“Well, even though it was your fault from the start you ended up fixing it, so I guess I owe you one.” You use that as an excuse when you’re really desperate to feel him inside you at this moment. You lift yourself up to line yourself with his cock, already ready for him from his previous actions. 

You sigh as you feel his tip pressed against your entrance, “How much do you want this?”

“So bad, fuck, so bad Y/N.” He practically whimpers, giving you a spike of pride that you could make him act this way.

His cock slowly spreads your walls as you sink down, filling you up so well that your legs feel numb. 

“Ah! Shit, you’re so-god, so-mm, good.” He mewls.

“Mmm, yeah?” You take him inch by inch, his moans encouraging you to keep going as you finally bottom out, sitting on him snugly as you savor the moment you’ve been waiting for all day. You grip his hands that are secured against your waist and start moving, your moans synchronizing with each time you move up and down his length.

“Y-you’re so fucking tight,” He groans, nails pressing further into the skin of your hips, “So fucking warm.”

“Yeah? You like me, ah, swallowing up your cock?” You move your hands to his chest, angling yourself forward so that you can fuck him at a harder pace.

“Fuck yes, yes, oh my god, you’re taking my cock so good.” His mouth latches onto one of your nipples, sucking on it as you roll your hips into him. He’s reaching you so deep from this angle, his hips slightly bucking up to push himself further into you.

His hands make their way to your ass, squeezing them harshly before giving you a firm slap on one of your cheeks. You moan, raising yourself from your position so now you’re directly bouncing on his cock.

“Y/N! Shit,” He whines, “Faster, god please go faster.” 

“Yeah baby? You want it harder?” You love hearing him beg for more; it was one of the hottest things you’ve probably ever heard in your lifetime. You see his eyes start to water, teeth sunken into his bottom lip as he holds onto you for dear life. You moan, pushing yourself to go harder against him just to hear him cry your name, seeing him slowly lose it because of you.

“Yes, yes, ah! Fuck...Y/N,” He whimpers your name like a mantra below you, bed creaking faster and begging for mercy as the continuous slap, slap, slaps echo throughout the room. 

“God! R-right there Y/N, please.” You can feel your ass almost bruising from the onslaught of you slamming down on him, your pussy aching just as delightfully around his thick cock. As much as you want to keep going, your pace starts slowing down, the soreness in your thighs finally getting the better of you. You resort to rolling your hips, moving yourself back and forth against him to try and keep the momentum going.

“Tired, sweetheart?” You bite your lip, slowly nodding as he chuckles. He pushes the wet strands of your hair back from your face, leaning up to kiss you. The kiss is soft, warm, nothing intense like before. He kisses you like he could almost break you, but you can feel all the emotions tumbling down on you through that one simple kiss. 

“You’re beautiful, you know that?” He smiles, grabbing you by the hips and flipping you guys over, careful not to separate you two as your back makes contact the bed. 

“I’m really glad I could call you mine.” He moves his hands under your head and lifts you up, moving some extra pillows to make sure you’re comfortable. He moves himself closer into you, adjusting the back of your thighs so they’re resting against him rather than hanging up in the air.

“Better?” You hum, wrapping your arms around his neck to connect your lips again. Times like these are the ones that bring you back to reality, making you remember you chose the right guy. Although he has his weird little kinks and he can be a complete idiot sometimes, Jungkook was always there for you. He always made sure you were comfortable, always there for reassurance for anything. Always kind, always loving. 

“I love you,” You whispered against his lips, making him smile into the next kiss.

“I love you too, Y/N.” He wraps your legs around his waist, holding your face as he kisses you much deeper. His hips slowly start moving, making your breath hitch in your throat.

His strokes were slow but deep, making sure he was taking his time with you. He kissed your cheeks, your forehead, your nose, your lips. He covered your body in bits of love, each one letting you know how much you mean to him. Once he hit that spot that had you arching your back and mewling his name, he set a faster pace.

“Mmm, right there baby?” 

“Yes! Jungkook, yes, right fucking there,” You cry, holding him closer to you. He thrusts deeper into you, his toned thighs slapping against your ass as the headboard bangs against the wall. He makes sure to rut against that spot, making you clench harder around his aching cock. 

“Jungkook!” You moan his name repeatedly as he whispers sweet nothings into your ear. He kisses the corner of your mouth as you lose yourself in him, your nails raking down his broad shoulders.

“Come for me sweetheart, I wanna feel you all over me,” He snakes a hand down to your bundle of nerves, pressing the pad of his thumb against it in tight, quick circles.

You cry out his name when you come, clenching so tightly around his cock he can’t help but come with you, his seed spilling deep into you as he fucks you both through your high. You feel him filling you up, some of it leaking out of your core as he slows down but doesn’t pull out. You both pant against each other, covered in sweat as he falls on top of you. You brush his sweaty hair back from his face that rests on your chest, tracing his jawline as you regulate your breathing. 

He looks up at you, chin resting on your skin and you both tirelessly laugh. 

“I really don’t want to let you go, you’re so warm,” He murmurs, keeping himself in you for a bit longer.

“Well, we have to clean up, then we can cuddle naked and watch Naruto.” He mumbles a fine at your offer, knowing that he couldn’t say no to that. He gets off of you and slowly slips out of you, a mixture of both you and him spilling out and onto the sheets. 

“You look really good like that you know,” Licking his lips as he watches your wetness make more of a mess below, “I could literally get off on just this image.” 

You smile and roll your eyes, “Just get something to clean this up, okay?” You’re waiting for him to move off the bed to grab a towel, but instead he grabs your legs, dipping his head down to your core. Before you can stop him he laps up his own cum along with yours, sucking on all the excess as you grip his hair. He juts his tongue into you, getting every drop from you and making you moan tiredly. It’s too much, and you force his mouth off of you. 

“Okay Jungkook,” you whine.

He reluctantly lets you go, licking his lips when he looks up at you. “Fine, but just because you were so good to me today.” He winks at you before he sits up off the bed, walking to the closet to grab a towel.

“You know, this was honestly the only weird fantasy I’ve ever had, and you’re amazing for letting me live it out.”

You scoff at that, making him turn back to look at you with a quirked brow. 

“What?”

“Jungkook, I know your pervy weeb ass better than anyone and know for a fact this is not the only fantasy you’ve had.” You almost can’t contain the laugh that’s bubbling up in your throat.

“I’m serious Y/N! Okay, the tentacle was a little extra, I know, but that was just because Stan Lee was all over it, I had to have it!”

“Don’t say Stan Lee was all over it, that sounds so gross!” You gag.

“Okay, not like that! Not like how you were all over it, which by the way, was really really hot-”

“Jungkook!”

“Kidding! But you know what I meant okay...” He huffs, “Anyways, you make it sound like I’m some weirdo that has a cosplay kink. I like comics, yeah, I like anime, yeah, but that doesn’t mean I want to go on some sex crazed superhero roleplay series-” 

Just as he’s talking he opens the door to his closet, making a litter of boxes and clothes fall on the floor in front of you two. You look down to see the mess, and the first thing that caught your eye surprisingly wasn’t even shocking to you. 

You see a full on, decked out suit that spilled from what looked like a box stored deep inside his closet. The top half of the suit was all gold, with what looked like actual gold gems along the neckline. A gold, expensive looking belt was also included in the attire, and the bottom half of the suit was bright green that was covered in what looked like..scales?

You both looked at the costume and then back at each other, Jungkook’s eyes widening as he looks at you in panic.

“Y/N, I can explain-”

You both hear a loud clang from the closet, a stick about to tumble onto the floor but he catches it before it falls. You both look at the gold trident in his hand, covered in sequins and diamonds that you don’t even want to bother asking how many paychecks it must’ve costed.

“...Aquaman? Really?”

“Y/N, look, it’s not what you think! When I was trying to go to DragonCon two years ago they had this little collective superhero convention and Stan Lee was-”

“Jungkook!”

[maxwell-grant]

What would a spider man: life story look like for the shadow?

Now that I've actually read Spider-Man: Life Story I can give this one a response. I'm gonna obsess about this question for a while because man what a ride Life Story was.

To those not in the know, the premise of Spider-Man: Life Story is: "In 1962, in AMAZING FANTASY #15, 15-year-old Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider and became the Amazing Spider-Man! Fifty-seven years have passed in the real world since that event — so what would have happened if the same amount of time passed for Peter as well?" and basically it tells the story of Spider-Man as one continuous narrative spanning 57 years, from his beginnings to a potential future, allowing Peter Parker and his cast and world to age in real time and factor in elements from the character's major stories over the decades.

And it's got a lot into it that the premise doesn't convey and there is no way I can even begin tackling a project like this for the 90 goddamn years of The Shadow's history without seriously just writing an entirely different fanfic continuity (and I already have 5, plus multiverses, possibly more) and tipping off way too much about my own plans for the character. Even I have my limits.

So instead, what I'm gonna do is go over the broad strokes of The Shadow's history as it would look like if you could try and condense it all under a consistent narrative, if you could focus on each decade's highs and lows, what kind of story would arise if a deranged Shadow maniac like me were to try and build a basic skeleton for a The Shadow: Life Story story.

Basic rules first: I'm sticking to the idea of Life Story and spanning every decade from the beginning of the character's life to the end of it. The aging and death parts are important so I’m sticking to those. The character's canonical birth date is 1892, so he's not making it intact to the 2000s. We're capping this off in the 90s, although it doesn't mean no further stories can be told. I will avoid mentioning specific historical events like Vietnam and 9/11 for this post to instead focus on The Shadow's trajectory. I will also not be including other characters, only somewhat referencing whatever aspects I deem relevant. I'm not sticking to any continuity, I'm pulling literally everything I can for this one

And putting this one below the cut

The 1930s: The golden years. In 1930, after a long line of life experiences in the Great War and traveling around the world under dozens of names, the man formerly known as Kent Allard has taken to fighting crime in the Great Depression. This chapter would be more of a standard narrative showcasing the trajectory of The Shadow's 30s career, how he's started off as a urban myth fighting gangsters and then progressed to urban avenger with dozens of allies fighting spies and supervillains. Despite being in his home element, he is restless. Another war is on the horizon. We gotta know where he starts, to get a clue of where he's going.

The 1940s: Despite it being the "family friendly American hero" Shadow era, shit gets very, very chaotic in the 40s, way more so than The Shadow could have anticipated. The pulps were relatively tame for this period, by this point instead you have the radio with it's constantly rotating writers and sensibilities, and comics that had far less reservations about either being really boring or really wacky. Far more encounters with the supernatural than before and with supervillains like Devil Kyoti and Monstradamus and Solaris, plus Khan is still around. The Shadow is forced to spend a lot more time traveling the world to deal with the war, spending a prolonged period establishing headquarters in Japan to aid Japanese underground organizations opposing the military. The agents perform rescue missions on concentration camps, and this is the period where you could have the "real" Lamont Cranston start filling in for The Shadow a bit while he's overseas.

There's a particular blurb that got released during this period that explains The Shadow acquired the power to cloud men's minds not by training, but by journeying to Tibet in an unrecorded adventure that forced him to beg the monks to grant him assistance in saving the world. I have some very mixed feelings on this whole backstory but I think there's something to this idea. Some shit went down in the 40s that was way beyond what The Shadow could have anticipated, and to protect the world from it he had to tap into forces that perhaps should have been left untouched.

The 1950s: The Shadow has dissappeared from America alltogether. He gathered up his agents and announced he wouldn't return for at least a decade, and left them with enough money to last a lifetime and retire should they feel like it. Burbank and Cliff Marsland dissappeared with him, and this chapter would probably be told from the Agents's perspective as they face the 50s while we get snippets from Marsland on what The Shadow's been up to. Some of it involves The Shadow helping protect Tibet after Mao's takeover of China. The real Lamont Cranston doesn't put on the costume anymore and instead operates as a fairly regular detective, although he's training on the skills and powers he's picked up overseas. Whatever fantasy madness haunted the 1940s is all but gone.

The 50s had basically nothing in Shadow content other than the last legs of the radio show, which are 200 episodes from 1950 to 1954 that currently don't exist anymore outside of a few scripts. During this time, The Shadow's sole appearence in US content was a parody in MAD Magazine. Overseas however, there were original Shadow novels published in Norway (a story for another day), as well as a Mexican radio and film series, which also featured Cliff Marsland. I have little information on either.

The 1960s: The OG Shadow is still embroiled in conflicts overseas, but the rise of the criminal organization CYPHER forces him to mobilize Burbank and agents old and new alike to deflect CYPHER away from where he's at, although most of them have retired by now. He still cannot return, but he has been secretly instructing Lamont Cranston on furthering along his own latent abilities if he intends to take over in his stead, and Cranston's powers have grown and developed to a point that, although he is pushing 60, he is able to do things even the original Shadow could not. He also invests a lot in merchandising and costume changes, which...doesn't pan out. Nothing in this era really pans out. It's just a really, really frustrating period of bad luck and supervillains that the aging superpowered detective Cranston is able to stop. Lamont Cranston seems to die in this decade.

The 1970s: Inspired by The Shadow's DC series, and most importantly Michael Kaluta's spiffy redesign.

The original Shadow returns to a crime-torn America, intent on starting anew, and sets to rebuilding his network. But something is off about him. He's leaner, meaner, less compassionate and trusting. Just as what happened the first time he returned to America following years abroad, what happened in his sojourns overseas has fostered something inhuman in him, another sacrifice of his own identity for the sake of a world where the weed of crime has only proven more insidiuous. His powers have grown and so have his resources, but despite that, he's bordering on 80 years old by now, and cumulative trauma deep within his bones hampers his effectiveness. He's doing a lot better than he should, by any rights, but he can't keep this up and he knows it. And so, as before, he starts planning for it.

The 1980s: This was the decade where Walter Gibson died with his final Shadow story incomplete, all the movie plans from the 70s were canned, and Howard Chaykin happened, plus the other DC runs. It's the SHIT decade, basically, where everything goes to hell. Whatever plans The Shadow had blew up, dipshit copycats start ruining everything, his network crumbles, and this is probably the ideal decade to kill off Kent Allard.

But this is also the decade where something weird started happening outside of the story: The Ghost of Gay Street hauntings, where visitors on the hotel Gibson wrote the stories in repeteadly claimed to see a ghostly visitor looking exactly like Lamont Cranston, and Gibson himself claimed that to be a tulpa he created by accident.

Kent Allard may have died. But death can never claim The Shadow.

The 1990s-onwards: Somehow, The Shadow is still active. Still elderly, in a much more limited fashion, but still as sharp as ever if not more so. His powers have grown more so than ever before, even blossoming into a limited form of telekinesis. Is he a ghost? Did he somehow survive the events of the previous decade? Somehow, both Lamont Cranston and The Shadow linger on, but is it Kent Allard or Lamont Cranston? Is it someone else?

Who knows?

This is the decade in particular where he's going to be interacting with more prominently with a new generation, whether it's descendants of the original agents, or new heroes that have found themselves in his orbit. Inspired mainly by the Dark Horse Shadow comics, Ghost and The Shadow, and Peter Straub's Mystery and modern takes on the character like Batman x Shadow and the 2017 mini that play up the miserable immortal and ghost teacher aspects, also inspired by my recent realization that The Shadow's ideal future in-universe may be getting to age and mentor the next generation in some capacity.

Anything beyond that, only The Shadow Knows.

[traincat]

I feel like I've read a ton, but I'm honestly still pretty new to comics rn. That being said... What is one more day? Ik we don't like it and it happened a while ago, but that's about it [,=

Time for Spider-Man History With Traincat: Highly Controversial Storylines! And that feeling is totally normal with comics with huge canons -- you can read a ton and still have some fairly big blindspots in your understanding of the total picture. That being said, this is kind of a big one, both in terms of Spider-Man history/canon and in terms of how Spider-Man fandom functions. I would say probably no other storyline has had quite as much impact on how the fandom views and interacts with the source material as One More Day/Brand New Day. It's been the Wild West out here ever since it happened. (Which was in 2007, so like, yes, fairly long ago, especially when you look at how Spider-Man canon has evolved since, but in the grand scheme of things, also kind of recent. One More Day is not old enough to rent a car.)

So when people talk about Spider-Man's One More Day, they're usually actually talking about two related arcs: One More Day and Brand New Day. For the sake of simplicity, I'm going to be covering both. For the sake of transparency, I am going to admit that I think One More Day, as a self-contained story, is good, actually. This is controversial! I admit that! But I stand by my stupid opinions on this blog, for some reason. I think One More Day when you examine it on its own, by which I mean you ignore the decade and a half worth of canon that came after it, as a Spider-Man story and as a PeterMJ-centric story holds up under scrutiny and that people who don't like it don't like complicated love stories and might actually throw their own mothers under buses. No offense to the OMD haters. Little bit of offense to the OMD haters. Brand New Day, which is the continuation of One More Day, on the other hand -- largely bad. Very largely bad.

But let's backtrack. One More Day is a four issue crossover storyline that takes place directly after Civil War, during which Iron Man and Captain America got divorced and divvied up the superhero community and Spider-Man made some startlingly bad decisions and made a fugitive out of himself and his family in a manner that got Aunt May shot, and Spider-Man: Back in Black (Amazing Spider-Man #539–543) which examines Peter's actions immediately after Aunt May is shot and ends with him humiliating the Kingpin in front of an entire prison. One More Day consists of Amazing Spider-Man #544 -> Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #24 -> Sensational Spider-Man v2 #41 -> Amazing Spider-Man #545. In One More Day, Aunt May is dying, all of Peter's efforts to save her have thus far failed, and, consumed by guilt, he is rapidly running out of time. Approached by Mephisto, a literal demon from hell, Peter is offered a deal: Aunt May will live -- and Peter's identity, which was previously revealed to the world at large during Civil War, will once again be hidden from the memories of all but a select few -- if Peter trades him his marriage to Mary Jane. Peter and Mary Jane struggle with this, but eventually both agree to the deal. The clock strikes twelve, the deal is done, and Peter and Mary Jane's marriage fades into history.

(ASM #545) A reasonably simple premise for a story that caused so many problems -- most, I would argue, not actually the original story's fault. So obviously, this was an unpopular move -- Peter and Mary Jane had for a long time been a fan favorite Marvel couple, and in a fictional universe where most relationships are doomed as soon as they begin, the enduring Spider-Marriage was sacred ground. And then, with a snap of its fingers, it was gone: Peter wakes up in Aunt May's house, no longer married, with Mary Jane out of the picture. (She would not return to the book on any sort of consistent basis for over 50 issues.) In the wake of One More Day began Brand New Day, which is basically what it sounds like: a promised "brand new day" of "exciting" Spider-Man content and a publishing schedule where Amazing Spider-Man came out three times a month. (Which sounds good on paper but I think in practice caused more problems than it created good storylines.) Peter, newly single again, had new love interests! And also Harry Osborn was alive again for some reason! I generally like Harry's post-BND stories so that part's fine with me.

But overall? Brand New Day is a mess. It knows it wants to tread new and exciting ground with Peter -- tell new stories! ensnare new readers! make them fork out for a book three times a month. -- but it doesn't know what those stories should be. Readers who were invested in Peter and Mary Jane's relationship -- a major facet of Spider-Man comics for decades at that point -- felt rightfully betrayed that the marriage could be so easily traded in and that Mary Jane herself, perhaps the second most important figure in Spider-Man comics after Peter, could be tossed aside. From a personal point of view, I think Brand New Day fails in large part because it abandons what has always made Spider-Man such a compelling series, and that's the mix of Peter's personal life with his vigilante life. BND sees Peter with new friends, new jobs, new love interests, etc -- it is very much a brand new day! But it isn't a better day compared to the stories that came before it. I do like some post-BND stories, especially American Son (ASM #595-599) and Grim Hunt (ASM #634-637), but compared to pre-BND where I think the majority of canon is good, it's a very lacking body of work that is hurt by the way it divorced itself from the PeterMJ marriage as Spider-Man's central relationship.

"But Traincat, I thought you said you liked One More Day?" Yeaaaaah. I do. This is why I keep saying I like One More Day on its own merits, and not on the merits of the stories it opened the doors for. I like a good romantic tragedy in fiction, and the way Peter and Mary Jane's final scene in One More Day plays out is beautiful. I like the idea of Peter caught in this impossible situation, being asked to choose between two women he loves more than his own life. A really common criticism I see leveled against One More Day is that Peter should have chosen his relationship with Mary Jane over May's life, which is -- okay, I think it's weird that people keep insisting on this, not in the least because by asking Peter to sacrifice his aunt's life they're essentially demanding he commit a callous, out of character act in order to further his own interests. It's also weird because the thing is, Peter already chose Mary Jane over May -- that's what gets them into this situation. It's literally in the scene where May is shot:

(ASM #538) When the gun goes off, Peter's spider-sense kicks in, and he covers Mary Jane, leaving May in the path of the bullet. He does choose Mary Jane over May, regardless of whether he realized what he was doing. And that's why he can't make that choice a second time. His actions in One More Day do make sense for him as a character, whether or not any individual reader likes them, and Mary Jane's actions make sense, too -- after all, she's the one who ultimately tells Mephisto that they agree to the deal when Peter can't bring himself to voice it.

A lot of people also like to nitpick One More Day by going, well, why could (x) or (y) with life saving powers save Aunt May which is like -- yeah, I guess, but if we're going to ask that about this specific comic book near death setup, you kind of have to do it with every single one, and I'm not going to stake every single moment of comic book drama on whether or not that gold kid from the X-Men was busy at the time. Comics are soap operas in flimsy paper form: serialized longform storytelling that relies heavily on melodrama. Sometimes you have to go with things. Sometimes you sell your marriage to the devil. Stuff happens. That in and of itself doesn't make One More Day a bad story -- and while some people blame the Spider-Marriage's dissolution entirely on One More Day, I think that's a little shortsighted when you look at the history of Spider-Man since the turn of the century. It's clear -- and Marvel themselves have been perhaps a little too open about this -- that Marvel in the past few decades has had trouble with the direction they want to take Spider-Man. They WANTED Spider-Man to appeal to a distinctly youthful audience that they didn't think they were actually reaching -- understandable, considering that Marvel nearly went bankrupt around 2000 and was saved by Ultimate Spider-Man, an out of main continuity series which retold Spider-Man from the beginning and focused heavily on Peter as a teen -- but the problem was Spider-Man in the main continuity was at that point in canon a happily married man who was pushing the dreaded 30 whether or not they wanted to admit that. This is also why Marvel has continually pivoted away from Spider-Man having kids, because they feared that making him a dad would age him too much and make him unrelatable to their coveted audience of Teens. (This is also why almost every new Spider-Man property, especially the live action movies, perpetually stick him back into high school, despite that occupying a very small slice of 616 canon.) So around the year 2000, they started trying things in relation to the Spider-Marriage, which was viewed as a major problem -- after all, what's more adult than being married and liking your wife. First, they had Mary Jane presumed dead. Then, they had Mary Jane and Peter separate. Then, when Mary Jane and Peter had only recently gotten back together, One More Day struck. If One More Day specifically hadn't gone the way it had, it's pretty clear that the Spider-Marriage was going to go one way or another -- it's a little bit of a shame it happened when it did, because OMD is the end of J Michael Straczynski's run, and JMS wrote a really beautiful Peter and MJ relationship. But Marvel as a company and especially editor in chief at the time Joe Quesada viewed Peter and Mary Jane's relationship as a major problem in how they wanted to portray Spider-Man and thought that striking the relationship from the books would allow them more freedom in their portrayal of him as younger and more relatable to their Desired Audience of people who I guess really wanted to see Peter sleep with characters who weren't Mary Jane.

(ASM #546. Younger! Fresher! Less attached! Kissing random women in the club!)

The problem with One More Day has always been in the follow through -- from the content of Brand New Day to the pacing of events to the fact that Marvel withheld key information for such a long time that it allowed misinformation to thrive. After all, what does it MEAN to trade Peter and Mary Jane's marriage to the devil? It altered the events of canon in Peter and the majority of other characters' memories so that the marriage didn't exist, but it left people wondering -- did the relationship as they remembered it existed? How much of Spider-Man canon was altered? And the answers didn't come for over 100 issues of Amazing Spider-Man. One Moment In Time or OMIT (Amazing Spider-Man #638-641), which revealed that while Peter and Mary Jane never got married in the altered canon they did continue their long committed relationship up until just after Civil War, was published in 2010, so essentially readers were hung out to dry without answers for three years. That's a long time to string people along, but not as long as it took Marvel to confirm that the popular fan theory that Mary Jane retained her memories of the original timeline as part of her own deal with Mephisto was also true, which happened this year. I would say, at least from my perspective, a lot of the frustration doesn't come from the individual One More Day storyline so much as how Marvel has continually dragged out the aftermath, using the promise of a Spider-Marriage return to keep fans on the hook. Which is why One More Day continually comes up in discussion of current Spider-Man, because Spencer's run has relied very heavily on imagery from that period with a serious question of whether or not there actually was going to be payoff, something which is still up in the air.

This has been Spider-Man History With Traincat, brought to you by anonymice like you.

[bobbimorses]

I saw you mentioning that Clint's personality/portrayal in more recent works has been done poorly. What sort of things do you want to see acknowledged/come back in the modern Hawkeye portrayal?

ok, i’m gonna refrain from embedding panels since this will be so long. skip to the bold for what i’d like acknowledged again because i first try to analyze what recent misinterpretations stem from before getting to your point. whoops!

currently, people seem to overwhelmingly portray clint in only these terms: coffee, catchphrases, and clueless. now that’s not to say that the man doesn’t drink coffee, or that he’s an omniscient super-genius, but that people have taken traits from one portrayal they recognize and run so far with it that it seems like that’s all he is.

i think this is because a lot of people have either misinterpreted the circumstances at play in fraction’s hawkeye, or only know of clint from fanon or decontextualized panels from that run and subsequent appearances

here’s what was happening in fraction’s hawkeye: clint was in a state of depression. fraction’s run took a lot of inspiration from hawkeye’s first solo series (v1), by gruenwald, where clint’s also shown in a rut. in both runs, his depression partially stemmed from his lack of belief/confidence in himself. in v1, it’s a betrayal that makes him doubt he’s worthy of being loved. in fraction’s hawkeye (v4), it’s the amalgamation of all the beatings he’s recently taken in the avengers that makes him doubt he’s worthy of being an avenger.

v4 immediately follows from clint being burned to an absolute crisp (then healed...but not instantly) in a big event, avengers vs. x-men, while facing the phoenix-possessed x-men, aka god-like powered beings. issue 1 of v4 opens with clint being completely wrecked in a fall while avengering. he’d also been killed and thrown around a lot of other major marvel events in a short time prior to all this. basically, he’s been painfully reminded of just how human he is among a bunch of gods and super soldiers. he can handle the pain, but he can’t handle that all the breaks and burns are reminders of his fragility, his humanness; how was he unable to stop them from happening? he starts to question his place in the avengers.

so what you see in fraction’s hawkeye? the moping, the mess of an apartment, the subsistence on pizza, coffee, beer and cereal, long periods of just being on the couch and wanting to nap, the occasional apathy and bewilderment at things happening around him? that’s depression. clint’s not on his A-game, he’s at a low point. unfortunately, a side-effect of v4′s popularity (it’s a well-made comic!) is a lot of people only know this side of clint; they don’t have the image of clint on a good day to “compare” against, and think “this is it.” but that’s not it; i think v4 is meant to show that even the most heroic can slip into apathy when sinking into depression. v4 is about clint finally accepting help from his friends, his neighbors, overcoming his indifference, and believing that not only is he the one that has to stop the villains, but that he can and will. because he’s hawkeye.

now onto what’s lacking in portrayals that misinterpret/represent clint:

jumping off from that doubt in his capabilities, clint has previously been shown to suffer from insecurities. his outwardly overconfident attitude was, in his beginnings, a mask for his low self-esteem and total self-reliance. of course he knew he was the earth’s greatest marksman, but was this enough to take on all these world-ending threats? eventually, after proving himself time and time again, he shed a lot of these insecurities. his confidence was more than earned. his cockiness also threw enemies for a loop: “look at this dude with a bow saying he’s gonna annihilate us. as if he-OH NO.”

now, he’s being portrayed in an inversion of that same strategy: he’s written as getting enemies to underestimate him by acting dumb, bumbling, a klutz. the problem with writing this as clint’s consistent strategy instead of an occasional usage is uninformed readers, or decontextualization, will have people thinking he’s actually like that. that’s why i miss clint being brash and overly-boastful to throw enemies off. he’s already “just a guy with a bow,” why does he need an extra layer of feigned incompetence if everyone already sees him as that guy?

he does have that lingering thought of “am i really good enough to be an avenger?” but he responds to it by trying to be even better, and that drive is what makes him excel, one of the best, worthy of the rank. that drive should always be present. it also makes him kind of competitive (though that’s also just for fun)

snark & attitude: clint’s also always been snarky. i wouldn’t say he’s at the level of spider-man in terms of constant quipping, but when clint and pete have fought together, they’ve given each other a run for their money. clint’s humor also has a sort of lovable jerk quality to it at times, because he’s very light-hearted about it. he’s got a certain levity about him, because you have to when you’re aiming an arrow at a dude made of steel. i’ve seen this quality slowly return to the comics, i think. on that same note, his belligerence with authority, though obviously now more mellowed, can come in little doses like questioning aspects of a plan/order. clint is a confrontation magnet and can be a real loudmouth, even if he’s fiercely loyal to his team.

street smarts! clint has always been clever and had out-of-the-box thinking because he had to scrap by in an orphanage, then a travelling circus (and have you ever played a carnival game?). he’s used his smarts to gather intel, infiltrate (break into) places, trick people, and defeat many a villain. and he’s not above cheating to do it. he literally defeated an elder of the universe, saving the entire defeated roster of the avengers and the universe, by pulling an old carny trick.

trickshots: the first elder of the universe he defeated was with a combination of his cleverness and a trickshot. i want more trickshots again! ricocheting shots, shots where he’s had to determine all the involved angles almost instantaneously in his head, just ridiculously pulled off shots from a distance or at difficult targets all really demonstrate clint’s skill. he didn’t and doesn’t do all that training to not be the best archer. speaking of...

training: clint regularly trains to maintain and hone his skills daily. this isn’t really an issue with current comics writing per se but some people seem to think he just sits around all day (and not just for a vacation). literally his whole shtick is training a skill so much that he’s on par with superhumans. c’mon, guys. relatedly, he’s also skilled in combat because he trained with cap (ronin skills!)

acrobatics: clint spent his adolescence in a circus and was always trying to get in the show, so you know he brushed up on acrobatics. clint and cap even did some gymnastics training in the early days. i want more flips that clint didn’t necessarily have any business doing when he could’ve just leapt around with much less flare, like the typical showman he is (tales of suspense did have this)

accent: this one’s more nitpicky, but i’d maybe like a return of a little bit of a lilt on his dialogue again. i know marvel phased out overly-phoneticized accents, but clint, orphaned carny that he is, always had a casual way of speaking, and i enjoyed how that was reflected in his written dialogue. dropped g’s in gerunds, d’s in and, shortened word combos, etc. it doesn’t have to be over the top, just touches where needed. this is a thing that was kind of present in fraction’s hawkeye, actually.

leadership: though it’s not like marvel denies clint ever led multiple teams (editorial wouldn’t let that happen), lately he’s sometimes written as if he doesn’t have this experience to draw from, and sometimes not. it’s a bit inconsistent. this isn’t to say clint has to be the leader at all times, he works well in a team in any capacity--just don’t shrug off the development and coordinating abilities he gained from his leadership

disaster?: i don’t fault situations where clint's going about the motions and suddenly everything around him is a disaster because when isn’t it with clint’s luck, dude once got cornered by like 10 supervillains in a sewer. and the man can make some bad decisions. but just remember how he’d respond to a disaster: thinking up a plan (or trying to on the fly), using all the resources at his disposal to conquer the problem, maybe insulting 5 people in the process, trying to wink after he gets stabbed

i’m not trying to disparage some people’s interpretations of certain aspects of clint, i’m just advocating against a misunderstanding or persistent misconceptions of clint as a character. he’s a character rich in development because he’s been kicking around continuity for over 50 years now. he went from screaming at cap like a grounded teenager to being offered the shield and rejecting it out of utter respect. he’s complicated in his experiences, his relationships, and many facets of his character, though his motivations can sometimes be simple (help people, show off, prove i can be be that good by being better). to whittle hawkeye down to one note would be a disservice to clint barton’s journey and evolution.

actually, here’s a panel: