#what do i know............. im just a baka
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yeah
#help this has been in my drafts for two weeks#act 2 caitlyn.........#me watching fans of fictional male genocidal maniacs and serial killers drag her thru the mud#the amt of posts i saw calling her h/tler was insane actually#using dictator and fascist and other political terms as a 'gotcha!!!!!!!!' for why people shouldn't like her or why caitvi was 'shitty'#very weird energy.#we should be capable of criticizing fictional characters while still enjoying them but that seems impossible for the most fandoms#but hey its fine if a man does it .#what do i know............. im just a baka
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i personally think armand would love tormenting children in among us with vc
#daniel my beloved i have just been called a 'sussy baka' do you know what that means???#it’s his wind down time okay#im shit posting bc it’s late but i also stand by it#iwtv#armand
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guess whos not going in at all this week, actually
#MY MANAGER EMAILED LIKE 2 HOURS B4 I HAD TO GO IN#she finally changed my schedule (1 day) to the night shift today#(i emailed her to be safe just kinda casually reaffirming im going in at the new time & then asking if any other shifts wanted 2 be changed#bcs that sounds great to me whstever option she goes with#she ignored that question & i get a new email from her asking if i completed a training. lets called it DOC#basically a long time ago she said 'i will send you DOC instructions soon' .. a few days pass and i get three 50 paged packets#one is called NAVIGATING DOC#im like oh ok cool that must be the DOC training shes talking abt bcs the other 2 packets were abt various trainings#NAH BRUH. APPARENTLY THE DAY IM SUPPOSED TO GO IN. SHE MESSAGES ME SOME ENTIRELY ALIEN PROGRAM#and is like 'u completed this right? cus if u didnt u cant come in today.'#LIKE?? MAYBE I WOULDA IF U SENT THE SHIT#but it's also like. dam i shouldve emailed prompting her to send what she said she would n clarifying BUT FUCK#WHY DO I GOTTA?? IM NOT THE MANAGER#she literally told me the name of the program rn thru email so i type it in and see like four hour long modules to complete#mind u i aint never even been informed a WHISPER abt this new program. nothings even labeled DOC TRAINING#but my struggle is. was i notified this?? and i just didnt see??? was i supposed to clarify with her what the DOC training was exactly??#the only thing ive heard abt doc training b4 this is 'i need to send u DOC training soon' in EMAIL. so i expected an alert#abt THE DOC TRAINING... in an EMAIL notification. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS#idk man#i dont even care bro like im busy as hell & the work is just to build clinic hours so i dont care abt the money factor#it's just like. can we get this first day jitters thing over with already?? im so over this bro#yaddayadda i emailed her an apology n ill be on that ASAP shit. but i did let her know i am basically justnnow seeing this site#n if there was any email or notif that couldve/tried to inform me of its existence 2 pls let me know / figure out how to find it#so the issue doesnt occur again & i dont have to keep botherinher which im so srry of bcs med is stress n shes just trying to get by#but still bro im a lil miffed bcs she probably thinks im stupid now and now im wondering if i AM#bcs WDYM ONLINE MODULES. AINT NOBODY SAID SH IT EVEN ABT THE EXISTENCE OF THEM!!! i wouldve pressed harder 4 clarification#if i knew it was an ONLINE MODULE i had to look out for on some randomass site i didnt even know the name of until now#instead of the EMAIL UVE BEEN 'COMMUNICATING' WITH ME ON#ARREGHHHHHHHH IM NOT STUPID. I SWEAR IM NOT STUPID FUCCK MY BAKA LIFE
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ok. im going to make this post but i REALLY shouldn’t but i just am so devastated rn and need to not be alone in it and you guys are the only people i can talk to candidly about moving stuff rn for a lot of reasons. the reason im crying rn is because i just found out i made a massive error in my budget and it turns out that my net pay is barely over minimum wage and i cannot afford to live by myself. at all. unless i live off of savings in addition to income but even then that’s only going to help me for a couple months and anyway it’s extremely unwise bc i should save that money for getting a car etc etc. this is not entirely a bad thing because a) at least i can afford to… you know… live. and b) living with roommates will not be bad especially if i live with friends and/or strangers i come to be friends with. it’s just i really… i don’t know i just feel so sick to my stomach. it’s just that recent events have made it so clear to me that i need to teach myself how to live independently before i can live with other people (let alone function in the world, heal from trauma, etc.) healthily. i know it so deeply. and it can’t happen for me. this is confirmation. this is confirmation and there’s nothing that can change it. rent is too high (even for shitty apartments in the area which let’s be real most of them are… it’s too high!) and over half of my income is going to taxes and deductions and bills and student loans. i feel so hopeless
#an di still have homework to do LMAOOOOOOOOOOO as if im not having a crisis over this issue which is more important than any hw assignment#will ever be. fuck my stupid baka life but i mean it so sincerely.#purrs#delete later#again. i know even being able to consider living alone is a MASSIVE privilege and there will be joys in having a roommate especially if it’s#someone i love. but it’s going to create sooooo many more steps in this process for me and i will have to compromise my needs yet again (#even if i genuinely want to!) when what i need right now is to have as little compromise as possible. to FINALLY experience what it’s like#to live without having to share (most) things or silence myself. moving out at all is going to be huge and helpful no matter if im living#with roommates but. god god god. this feels like thinking a door is open but it’s just painted to look that way. im so sad#also btw i found out that i am not actually being overpaid im being UNDERpaid. which is a solvable problem that will be fixed this week but#even when that gets corrected i still am making a little over minimum wage so. 😃🔫
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oh yeah update on my asymmetrical stomach fat(? might not be fat it could easily be my organs are fucked up idk) it hasnt gotten much worse i dont think but it hasnt gotten better either 👍 still havent gotten seen professionally but i havent noticed any adverse symptoms medically so. i think i might just be like this forever now
#frustrating that i still dont even know why…#leave it to my stupid baka life to take every semblance of normalcy from me in every regard. not to be dramatic or anything#trying to just not worry about it because what can i do abt it anyway…. if it ends up being something that kills me then shrug!#play the cards im dealt etc#mumbling
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okay first of all was anyone going to tell me that ac/dc is an australian band. and second of all was anyone else going to tell me that they're apparently colloquially referred to as "acca dacca" in australia
#i knew about some general australian slang like maccas and utes and blueys but it never occurred to me that ac/dc would have one too#mostly because i just assumed they were english like so many classic rock bands i know.#ALSO APPARENTLY THE WIGGLES ARE AUSTRALIAN TOO I SAW ON THE NEW DEFUNCTLAND TODAY#i never watched the show as a kid i just vaguely was aware of some of their more popular songs#its so so fucked up to me genuinely how much accents tend to just Disappear when you sing. like where'd they go lol#anyway i was gonna say#i need to go back and do my music autism analysis shit for the rock songs i grew up hearing#i was telling latimer a lot of classic rock music feels like. like its Default Music to me somehow#like oh yeah jukebox hero we all know jukebox hero of course. whats that latimer? oh. youve never even heard of Any foreigner song. huh#so i need to like. go through all the music from my childhood. im in my childhood trauma reclaiming era anyway like i might as well#i want classic rock to go from being my 'childhood music' into my 'scavengerverse (oc) music'#like how styx and disney songs are my 'neopets ocs music' from when i was 12and AJR is my 'webcomic dev music'#god i want to be so autistic about music right now but im so sleepy tired. fuck my stupid baka life
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been having like. idk some kind of internal crisis i guess lately where the life path im being expected to follow and the actual state of the system (living in the imperial core and inescapably benefitting from the oppression and harm caused to others just by existing even if i move somewhere else) are brushing up against each other and im like. fuck man what do i do! i still have to get up every day and look for a job even though people are being murdered en masse for the maintenance of a system that exists to bring me cheap products that fall apart in a month. fuck this stupid baka life i guess.
#and yes i understand that my feelings here ultimately do not matter. me feeling bad does not fix anything#but im also at a point in my life where if im not at least feeling bad what the hell else am i doing?#sometimes it feels like me just being alive is making life worse for people outside the us I'll never get to meet#and like i KNOOOOOW its just stupid liberal white guilt i know its the product of the hyperindividualized culture within i was raised#but like that doesnt make the despair pit less dispair-y. it just makes me feel stupid for having these feelings in the first place.#and like sure. ok. yeah. im stupid. people are still dying and i am not capable of contributing more than a couple dollars to help#cant even join local orgs n shit bc i have no transportation#maaaaan fuck my stupid baka life#tantrum hole#hiiii mutuals if you read this please dont add anything in replies ok <3 im venting
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Hiya! I love your writing and ive been following your blog for a couple of years now (2-3 I think) and I just wanted to say how much I appreciate and adore your writing! Thank you so much for all you’ve written! Ive not been on tumblr much the past few months, and I’ve found that many of my favourite writers are leaving and deactivating their accounts, which is such a pity although completely understandable! Tumblr can be a pretty sucky platform for writers unfortunately :/ anyways I just wanted to thank you for your writing, it’s absolutely gorgeous and your style inspirational! I hope you keep writing, on or off tumblr, as you truly have a gorgeous and unique style! Thank you so much for all your contributions and I hope you’re having a lovely day!!
NONNIEEEEE oh my god oh my god hi hello I am going to sob first and foremost so im gonna get all snotty all over this ask wozooqjzlaozo but thank you so much? genuinely genuinely this means more than u can imagine and I aaAAAAA (being off tumblr and on and off writing ((mostly off oop)) really shows via my decline of the eng language clearly HAHAHA I can’t even articulate properly)
THANK U FOR BEING HERE FOR SO LONG?? AND REMEMBERING ME?? AND JUST. IT FEELS LIKE COMING HOME AND THEN SEEING ALL MY OLD FRIENDS AND THE NOSTALGIA IS A LIL NUCLEAR AND IM JUST SO EMOTIONAAAAAAL AAAAAA
Thank YOUUU for being on here and reading and being so so so lovely to me AND ALSO. im gonna go hide in the tags actually but I owe u my life I am kissing all ur fingers nd toes and maybe lips I’m infinitely happy that ur still here after all this time on this platform, I hope u are having the best day (and the best past few years whilst I’ve been mia <333)
#urusai! baka#OH MYGUAIZIAOZOAKZPIAOAOAO#U DONT UNDERSTAND HOW THIS MADE MY DAY MADE MY WEEK MADE MY ??? MONTH#ILYSM GENUINELY SO SO#I CAME TO CRY ABOUT UR LOVELY COMPLIMENTS IN MY TAGS#BECAUSE I COULDNT DO IT OUT IN THE MAIN POST IM#KICKING MY FEET BLUSHING RUNNING LAPS IN MY BEDROOM AND TAKING COLD SHOWERS#thank u so much for just. ur#idek i never know what to say when someone compliments my writing because im simultaneously combusting at the praise and being seen and just#its so !!!!! thank u for recognizing (??? not the right woed for this but) it and im so happy u like it!!!!#I am working on a fic!! 3k in!! it was going strong and then i got distracted by irl axooaz but its a partner fic with rae rae and SHES#BASICALLY DONE HERS SO IM GONNA QORK HARD TO GET BACK INTO MINE#I love writing sm i just waterboard myself with wips a lil hehe#but hopefully i am praying i xan finish smth for once (again finally)#also re: writers leaving— its so sad and i get itttt and I MISS EVEDYONE ON HERE AND TOSAY I ACC JUAT GOT A TIKTOK FROM 2020 HQ AND IT MADE#ME WANT TO CLAW MY FLESH OFF MY BONES AND FEED IT TO A TIME MACHINE SO I CAN LIKE#PERMANENTLY LIVE IN THAT TIMEEEW AAAA ok ok anyways#i love u pls stay and this msg made my heart explode like a supernova#u r near nd dear to my heart everyone from that time is automatically i am latching onto u all#kissing u loving u hoping the past fww yeass have been amazing for u <33333
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achievement get (for the billionth time): take one look at an assignment and get severely overwhelmed AND discouraged for the rest of the day and do nothing
#it's so much and it's dishonest work!! literally dishonest because all i can think of is how bullshit a lot of it sounds. instead of#you know?#actually learning anything?#but this thorough lack of motivation is just gonna get me in trouble isnt it. how do i swallow my emotions and figure things out#its getting harder every year and the feeling that the few people i have close by do not ever truly understand - like at all - is horrifyin#yes sorry this is all i could think of for the past six hours. im having a great day (no im not. i also hate myself for feeling this way)#zero.txt#im sure it hurts the few people who care and who thought i'd actually go on to do things to see me constantly wallowing for reasons#that they refuse to comprehend or have compassion for.#just stop being sad! just get to work piece by piece! have some resilience#meanwhile all ive done is cry. maybe a part of me just likes feeling like this i DONT KNOW#and ofc so often im like. the only reason im still around is im quiet and they havent invented thought police#yet.#how can i have hope when the moment i decide to pluck a silver of it out of my core i read something that in a better world would not even-#-be a nightmare#like. you say things like that with your mouth and expect us to mindlessly repeat if we want anything in life...#fuck my stupid baka life <3#ugh im just going in yet another circle now when i know trying to put my feelings in words is not helpful. what IS helpful#negative#again sorry. at least you dont have to open this wall of tags#delete later#maybe
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Every time I see my posts get a high number of notes I feel like the universe is gaslighting me or something
#sophie speaks#i think thats just called schizophrenia which we have checked and established i do not have#or like someone call something of mine popular or well known like for one thing no#no its not#but for another thing like what what is going on#or someone cool like my stuff#its just. disconcerting yknow what i mean#oh my god wait its like reverse imposter syndrome lmfao#YOU guys are the imposters#you sussy little bakas#you know what thats enough internet for one day im gonna hit the hay
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jumpscared by least favorite seasonal chore
#I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST LEAVING IT THIS YEAR SINCE IT WAS SO LATE. FUCK THE GRASS IT'S SHITTY GRASS#it's almost xmas why did you not rake the yard while i was um. not around#IT SUCKS OKAY. I"M NOT A TEAM PLAYER#ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE AND MANDATORY POINTLESS YARDWORK#it hurts my back and my joints and it takes me forever and it's always stupid bright outside and i hate kicking the rakes and it's never#good enough because if i'm raking the yard it should be perfect right?? it always turns into a 3 day thing and the yard isn't even that big#we just all suck at it except for my dad so he spends the whole time being like well why don't you just do it this way. dad i CANT that's#why i'm doing it my way. it's shittier but it's Possible and yours is not. bruhgh i hate raking the yard sorry that's all#i am feeble and sore and i hate moving please don't make me do this#he's like why do you sit on the ground to scrape the leaves into the bags girl what else do you want me to do. i can barely do the dishes#without sitting sometimes and you want me to rake for 6 hours??? what?????#look i know this is mostly trivial but it sucks okay. fuck my stupid baka life#i have been exactly this bitter about such chores my whole life and im not stopping now. i hate being made to do stuff on a whim that hurts#me for an entire day when i wasn't expecting it okay. i feel like that's a normal response adults are allowed to have even though children#are not. something something children's autonomy etc#and honestly i just hate being in my yard doing manual labor in full view. you should not be able to see me moving around what ew gross#(<- super weird about being perceived doing anything physical) (<- hates being seen moving awkwardly and so anything but small practiced#movements are just. agh. unless they're silly and i can make them smoother but like exertion? No. oh my god i hate that)#shit like oh i don't wanna put a bra on bc that's uncomfy but what if my neighbors ogle me while they drive past i don't want that#just some gangly twink failing a basic task in the clumsiest way possible and fucking all their joints at the same time. sucks. hate#(<- man i don't even feel right EATING around people for the most part like. you want me to RAKE?? movement is a performance and you put me#up there with no rehearsal no script nothing just the wikipedia page for hamlet. i can't do this all of a sudden. what. what)#(<- i just. waughhUAGHH i hate it so so much i don't like it okay. for reasons that are yet to be diagnosed)#(<- no body language is natural to me so it must be practiced to feel natural AND YOURE PUTTING ME ON THE SPOT. IT FEELS WEIRD)#aughh. if i had the leaves on a table and a chair or something i'd be better. not great but better. but all the bending over and crouching#and scooping and getting leaves under my gloves and the scary scuttly bugs and scraping myself on the branches mixed in on accident i just#do not like it. gross#ugh at least now i have wireless earbuds. used to yank out my corded ones with the rakes pretty regularly and Oh Boy Did That Not Improve M#Situation There like. whewwww#and my dad's always like hey i know we're starting late (it's past noon here) but ummm i'd really appreciate it if we could really push
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writing is so fun !! why does it suck ass n balls
#aria void#fr I feel like im smashing my head against a cheese grater most of the time#sometimes something comes through but its not pretty#if it was just like a fear of writing something bad that would be something I could learn to get over#but i don't know what's holding me back#i occasionally have spurts where I can write a bunch but they never last long#which is how I end up with 5 billion unfinished story ideas I have no clue what to do with#i try just forcing myself to write anyway but my mind just goes blank#I can half visualize where to take things but its like there's a paper jam in the path to convert that into words#idk whats causing it idk how to uncause it and its the lack of knowing what the problem is that's so fucking frustrating#i have so many fucking stories in me but the one path to shove them out is an inch wide and always clogged#insert funny shit constipation joke heha#granted i think part of its just my various undiagnosed disorders kicking in and making it impossible to concentrate#literally I was trying to write a short story just now and sorta kinda starting to get somewhere#but i got distracted by ranting about how hard writing is and now my groove is unrecoverably thrown off#fuck my stupid baka brain
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need to feel loved again
#idk. im just so so so lonely.#never know what to do with myself#i think i just need. a hug.#or a kiss#but most people I love are hours and hours and hours away#fuck my stupid baka life
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maybe i shouldve done it when i had the guts actually
#ramblings#tw vent#FFUUUUUCCCCKKwhen was the last time i cried not over schoolwork. does this even count my eyes are slightly damp#thats what its likew schoolwork actually. i said i cired of the ohysics i becameSlightly Moist#i am so stressed about this its not even funny and thers nothing i can do#FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFE#oh hey seventeen hours worth of shcoolwork due between monday and wednesday whats up what do you mean its monday#shit. died.#oh and ftr im not actually gonna do shit dwbi dwbm i just make a. concerning. amount of sui jokes for someone who isnt suicidal#idk everyone i know is and it scares me every daybut humor is the best (anxiety) medicine!!
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update i have to apply for my own job for the SECOND time in two years by wednesday and im taking my learners permit test on friday which means i have to finish absorbing the drivers manual by then. the way i am LONGING to walk into traffic.
#the driving thing is just extra stress but the applying for my own job AGAIN thing is making me absofuckingLUTELY insane. this process was#so psychically damaging for me to go through a year ago and the fact that exactly a year later i am doing it again and have to jump thru all#the same hoops and write a new cover letter and find new references and INTERVIEW with my colleagues and all that… like i appreciate this so#much bc basically what is happening is im getting a raise and will be converted to a regular employee (im contractual rn bc that’s all they#could do when i graduated). but like the fact that i am once again under the MORTIFYING psychic stress of my colleagues being the search#committee and me being u able to talk to them abt this or get reassurance and them having to treat me like they don’t know me and this not#being guaranteed and other people potentially applying and me having to compete with them… it is too much fucking stress for me to go#through. it’s just too fucking much. i am so mentally and emotionally exhausted and now i have to walk through fire AGAIN⁉️⁉️⁉️ i wanna KMS#like it’s fine. but also the existential dreaddddd the way i cannot bear to live through this one more time but i have to and im going to. 😍#purrs#delete later#like i get it and i know it’s to make it fair and equitable. but whyyyyy do they have to put me through this again have i not proven myself#time and time again is this job not QUITE LITERALLY designed for me to be in it. and it’s not merely an annoyance it’s like… actively a#stressor that is taking years off my life just like it did last year and the timeline is even more accelerated bc last year i had two weeks#to apply and this time i have FIVE DAYS!!!!! and i have to reach out to references and i can’t do that until monday bc it’s the weekend 😭😭😭😭#like LMFOAHDHSKDHSODHAJJB of course this is happening to meeeeee im going fucking insane. also i might have to do this a THIRD time someday#and i would have to get a masters degree for that too. so basically the only path forward is CEASELESS suffering and psychic agony. there is#no hope for women. fuck my stupid baka life. but also this is a good thing and also i have it sooooo good which is soooo unfair to everyone#else for example possibly wasting everyone else’s time who applies for this job. but also fuck my stupid baka life.#technically im applying for this job for the second time in 365 days. like it’s not even two years it’s that i did this a year ago and now a#year later im doing it again. LESS than a year later. it hasn’t even been a full year yet. help 😻👍#if february 9 2022 me fucking knew what HORRORS awaited her 24 hours from then and 3 months from then and 5 months from then and 15 months f#from then. she would have imploded LMFAOOOOOOOO
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recent ffxiv livetweeting. spoilers through the end of arr patch quests btw.
#ffxivposting#suicide mention#I GUESS. SORRY#made this account 90% so i could livepost this game better.#moving off my priv twitter to here bc literally only my irl has access and i know he doesnt gaf. i love u bro<3#and im actually going to die going thru this alone to be honest chat. help#just gave my wol a haircut btw :) working on a new fit also hehehe. she's my favorite.#she doesnt have a name because i put a stupid ass placeholder name because i started playing with my Real Life Family. but shes so cutiepie#keep taking screenshots whenever she looks cute in a cutscene which is often. lovely#btw. im aware t.hancred isnt a gayboy. he's a womanizer. which is kind of a gay thing to be. also stuff did happen to him in arr#and he gets pouty about it sometimes which is funny. rip to this guy. but youknow. lol#like if you think about it it's like man that really blows for you huh? but i cant get a good gauge on how much HE thinks about it. hes too#busy w/ his scorned lovers et cetera. as things go.#where im at now is uh. let me check the msq quest list. somewhere around lvl51 msq. chat i miss flying So Bad i am so slow.#by the way i do know the race names. for the record. that guy is a gay ass Elezen(tm).#also im not trying to bully u.rianger(?spelt like that right?) he's nice. his voice IS funny though.#i have not skipped any of this story. even the parts that sucked total ass and shit. my working knowledge is. Okay.#the patch quests were sooooo rough at the start but at least near the end they started ramping up and i got dragged in.#got to yell at npcs bc they were pissing me off so bad near the end there. quite a fun time.#also starting hw story stuff is really funny when youve been playing drg. like hey! i know you!#also ive been saying his name as 'estinen' the whole time wdym it's 'e.stinien'. i hope he never takes off that helmet btw#anyway. i cannot fucking draw my wol. at all. need to get better refpics later i guess.#speaking of. i am not googling any of these guys to draw them because i dont feel like getting spoiled.#yet another L im taking.my stupid baka life. as they say.#you cant hold anything im saying against me here it's almost midnight. fuck i have class tmrw. what ever#ANYWAY. all that to say. i need to talk to someone abt this shit to be honest.#shrug.
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