#ugh. i hate my stupid baka life

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

graduation was technically yesterday but i didn't go bc im hashtag cool and hashtag apathetic about the whole thing but that means i am no longer a student anymore which means i can't even lie to people and say i have exams to study for when i'm avoiding them nooooo

[locusustus]

me when theres 'draw zwei in profile on a stark orange background' at the function

can you believe im more than halfway through my masters. i cant bc i measure time exclusively in relation to when artfight starts

[fnreir]

graughh i wanna draw more loli art but instead i have to draw to get stupid poopy money so i can afford stupid poopy spotify premium my life is so hard.

[thicdicdaddy27]

Sometimes I wish I didn’t know anyone and I could just float around in space in a Time Machine

[ranger-kellyn]

when u physically get to the office at 6am only to find out there’s no fucking INTERNET so there wasn’t even a point of going in in the first place 🙃

[a-dotrivenitupontop]

I NEED TO DO MY WORK! BUT I DONT WANT TO!!! *death lasers*

[leafatlaw]

MY MOM WORKS TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[tobeyiscooliohoolio]

my intentions weren’t to call him stupid whatsoever what i was joking about was the screencap from the game and how it looked funny. that isn’t gunnar hansen, that’s a model from the tcm game. so no, i am not calling him stupid at all, what i was making a joke out of was how that paused frame in the little stupid trailer or whatever it was looked funny. basically, you’re coming for me based on something i never even did. I’m not called him stupid or anything of the sort and i’m not making fun of his mental capabilities. I was making fun of the model from the dumb game. didn’t even need to be this big an issue.

are you fucking stupid

me:

[ghostofasecretary]

i feel like i fundamentally do not have enough energy to live my own life

yesterday i was recovering from Exhausting Funeral Trip. so it makes sense that i was slow.

and i did:

- fill out last week's timecard

- make my bed

- get groceries

- do my laundry

- make dinner + plan tomorrow's lunch

- watched TV like a maniac (had fun) (knitted)

realized i still had to fill my med case back up. ugh

- did that, got to sleep late thereby

so. today. throat's sore and nose is stuffy, gross! only charged phone partially somehow! there's a persistent beeping in my house for god knows why! (none of the options i can think of sound good!) i'm TIRED and i JUST WOKE UP and i want to SCREAM and then CRY, MAYBE.

okay. okay okay okay

1. you don't have your focus meds and that makes everything harder. fix that, please. call the number you just put in your journal in the parking lot after work, c. 1:30.

2. class this term is a real and awful stressor. you are not going to be as prepared as you want to be. still, this might be adequate: work on your homework for an hour each evening. 7pm-8pm, or you can knock it out early. just set an alarm.

3. you have to do Scary New Thing at Job this week. plan that tonight.

4. go print thing at library after work. then make the rest of your apple cidey with spices and drink it.

5. i could really use the fucking money from my paid social. i really could. i would *rather* see my actual IRL friends but actual friends don't give you $20 for hanging out with them. because that would be weird. and i lost $20 going home and it would be nice to make it up. (stupid! argh!!) (I NEED A NEW/SECOND JOB BUT WE A R E N O T T H I N K I N G A B O U T I T N O W.) plus maybe you could see your friends and do work? so. RSVP today or tomorrow once you confirm.

6. i am really and truly Not Gonna Worry about poetry. i want to but this is the thing that will last the longest without maintenance. sorry for your loss.

7. do not even start to book club or party plan till Friday evening.

so! okay! that's your week!

today we got:

- restart laptop. fuck it, update AND restart

- eat breakfast

- work outfit (ugh my gross hair, need to shower tonight *also*)

- pack lunch

- plan: what lesson materials do i need, what am i doing today, goal for each group, little list of times + names, etc

- pack bags

- walk to car

- drive to work

- head in early

- gather materials

- head down around [set time]

- teach g1, g2 (survey), g3

- lunch

- teach g4

- finish up admin paperwork, go upstairs, put materials away afaic (all! nice!)

- clock out

- call number about meds; hopefully they will have some or be able to direct you to someone who will. oh they were closed. EPIC. CALL BACK LATER. what do you mean you want me to leave a voicemail message. fine. what the fuck

- drive home

- go to library; print item; walk back home. actually the item cannot be printed! sent an email fml 1989

- call another pharmacy?? should hear back by cidey time. call a third pharmacy. message psych. i hate this stupid baka life (getting adhd meds in the US)

- um. wow. am sick. covid test? yay, it's negative

- shower

- apple cidey (expect this is to be about 3:30?)

- wash today's tupperware

- cooking break: [make some lentils? (soak, cook ~1 hour, cook with reverse tadka. do not make too much, maybe 300g dry?) - make potato sabzi? (start after lentils are in) - make a tiny bit of rice? (start after lentils are in) [- maybe one episode of show but you should begin food at 4:15 at latest so you're done cooking around 5:30 and done with food c. 5:45 and done with dishes c. 6:15 so you can start planning before your Homework Time begins. you can start cooking at 4, that'd be fine. even 3:30 for lentil soaking time.]]

yeah, no, if all that cooking sounds like Too Much instead of like rest then make some mushroom pasta with spinach and arugula. or you can eat your defrosted potato soup. damn. options

- eat dinner

- maybe poke your friends about plans during Food Eating Time (/notify them of. covid test results. UGH)

- plan [new job thing] for g1, g2, g4, g2 On Last Day Only. figure out what materials you need and who you're going to work with and prep those as much as you can. put materials to print on flash drive

- 7-8pm ONE HOUR OF HOMEWORK. it doesn't have to be good you just have to sit at the desk for an hour with no distractions and try. i believe in you

- 8-9pm watch your tv show

- 9:30 shut laptop and head bedwards. this is a lot; you will be tired.

okay! that's a fuckload! but do it step by step and it will. get. done.

[furinavia]

ranting oops

fucl my stupid baka life i hate this fuckass uni but i hate ognitive rigidity way more

wdym i have to waste another year in uni if i dont pass this damn exam

i was supposed to take toefl itp but they decided to get rid of its validity and now i have to take toefl ibt??? which is way more difficult and expensive

its like failing a course. thats not bad at all. but. ive already projected myself graduating in 5 years. how do i rewure my brain and convince myself its okay to take more time

i could take this unofficial exam but the reading passages are long asf and im a slow reader. im definitely psying someone to take it instead cuz id rather not risk it

and if i still dont get the required score i have no choice but take todfl ibt UGH IT PISSES ME OFF SO BAD WHY IS IT THAT EXPENSIVE end of rant

[originalitysquared]

Sigh. I just want someone to be obsessed with me, is that even that hard? Ugh. Can't even have an obsessed stalker, hate my stupid baka life.

[blog-for-water]

Super epic tulpar adventures!

Chapter 1

WARNINGS: curly almost says a slur (the gay one) and anya hates minorities

jimmy was in the longue area of the tulpar, his hands on the polle statue's waist.

"hey babygirl. how about after this shipment, we go out? just the two of us-"

the sound of the tulpar's doors reached jimmy's ear, making the co-pilot turn around, his hands reluctantly tearing away at polle.

"jimmy, what the fuck are you doing." curly asked. "don't let me see that again, you fucking f-"

"CURLY." jimmy interjected. "DONT SAY THAT. YOURE NOT GAY."

"i can say whatever i want, jim." curly replied, crossing his arms over his chest. "im the captain here."

there was a moment of silence.

"ANYGAYS......" curly started. "we NEED to hide anya's heart medications. she's too powerful with them. and daisuke has been crushing them up and snorting it like cokane."

"what about swansea?" Jimmy asked, walking a little closer to curly.

"he can go fuck himself for all i care." curly huffed, rolling his eyes. "he keeps trying to interfere with my-"

"Our." Jimmy muttered.

"OUR plans." Curly corrected himself. "but yeah. anya is a fucking threat as long as she can have access to her pills. she's too powerful to be left healthy and thriving."

"FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFE" the two heard daisuke yell from his room. the intern somehow got an ad on his stupid dollar store gameboy and it made him die (only in the game he was playing, unfortunately)

"istg im gonna kill that little bitch soon..." jimmy mumbled, looking away from the direction he and curly heard daisuke's yelling from.

curly's gaze wandered to the medical room door. "ugh, whatever......... let's just go hide the fucking pills before i overdose on them myself."

-----

"are you sure we shouldn't just get it over with and push them out the airlock?" daisuke asked, his gameboy broken due to him throwing it across his room in rage. "i mean, i know we should at least leave ONE of them alive, seeing that neither of us have any idea how to control the ship, but still..."

"literally shut the fuck up, daisuke. you fucking straight." anya said. "we need BOTH of them. i want curly tied up in my closet and jimmy to drive us to mars, i already told you."

"why- okay, well..." daisuke sighed. "fuck, i need something. anya, do you have your pills?"

"hell no, im NOT giving you my meds again, you straighty." anya said. "and besides, you're high on smth anyways."

OH SHIT. daisuke thought. I should've KNOWN anya knows... her built-in drug detector is too damn advanced for a beta male like me......

anya stared at daisuke. why does he look like that.

anya leaned back on the bed, resting on the pillows. i actually fucking hate jimmy. if i could, i would throw him down the stairs and bash his head into the control panel..... but i dont want curly to try suffocating me to death with a pillow again, he's much too powerful, and killing jimmy would mean curly killing me... i no want that....

sigh....

"i hate minorities..." anya murmured.

"....what."

[delivery-guyy]

I HATE MY STUPID BAKA LIFE MY FRIENDS CANCELED OUR PLANS TO GO RO GHE BEACH UGH

[taserblade]

anyways, i hate working while sick i feel like actual ass rn. rlly hopin its slow tn so i can go home early but i rlly doubt it bc the state fair opened today :-(( UGH FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFE

[rockettoikah]

THIS. Nagpintig yong tenga ko ih. Andami dami na ngang nangyayari sa mundo dagdag pa to. Im just pissed how confident he was. Its bullshit you know. First of all kuya, Im not your pet to wag my tail every time you’re fuckin bored! kingina mo lang! Alam mo yon, lahat na siguro ng category ng katanghan check na check sa checklist ko. You only reminds me how stupid I was before. He was this guy/sir who I wrote before... 

“Do you want to know the worst part about walking away?” she asks him.

“It’s hoping that they’ll run after you. That they’ll stop you and tell you not to leave. That they’ll beg you to stay. That they’ll tell you they need you, she says.’ but they never do. They never did.’“

I guess after all this time, this will be the perfect time to tell you that I’ll be fine. I guess letting it all spill out will let this heavy heart breathe. Maybe it’s the perfect time that you let me go. Just so you know, I’m listening to Caleb’s “I need you today” and my heart hurts so bad. Very bad.

Sir! Ang sakit, sobra. Sobra lang. I was expecting you to talk to me and give me a tight hug for my last day. I was expecting that you’ll treat me like before. I was expecting that I can talk to you without awkwardness. I was expecting that it will be a “see you soon” instead of “goodbye”. And do you know what’s worst about it? it’s that I expected too much and it’s making me sad. Maybe you got tired of waiting, maybe you’re just busy with all your priorities and dreams in life, maybe you just loved me because you needed me. Maybe it was my fault for not looking at you until the time you started  not to care. Maybe you were tired waiting for answers that I can’t fill right now, pero di ba pag mahal mo hihintayin mo? Di ba pag mahal mo ipaglalaban mo? Di ba pag mahal mo ipapadama sa’yo na importante ka? ehh bakit di ko naramdaman yon sir? bakit?

All these photos were the time I’m with you,and I miss the time whenever we’re alone talking about life and how worst our day went. I miss the time you tease me with things I really do hate. I miss your small gestures like sitting beside me and saying nothing haha. I just miss everything about you del. I’m sorry for not looking at you agad, for losing hope because of another guy. Pero ikaw ngay yong gusto ko, siguro napagod ka lang maghintay. Pero bakit?

Truth is I can’t focus reviewing because of having thoughts of you, kaya ok na siguro to. I’ll slowly let my heart heal. Maybe we’re not just meant for each other, maybe we cross paths just to be a better person to someone. Thank you for everything, thank you for letting me learn from my faults and taught me to be independent. Thank you for believing when no one did, even myself. Salamat kasi naging proud ka sa akin, mamimiss ko yong “Architect ko yan” na phrase. hahaha. Thank you sir. Walking away from you and the company will be painful, but i’ll be fine. Soon. Salamat sa mga memorable na experience. I hope this will never be a goodbye. And I hope if we cross roads again I’ll be a better person than before, so are you. I love you, i always will. Isang bagsak naman jan sa Qa mong magsisign off na. hahah

I used to say I love you I used to say I miss you And now it's all gone Are we fading away  

-I need you more today...

Siya yong reason why I had hard time focusing on my review, he was the reason why my friends hated me so much, he was the guy I fought for, kasi alam ko “baka pwede”, he was all my good “what ifs”, he was this guy who made me feel miserable for missing him so much pero in return he never ask,he never cares. TANGA nga talaga pag tinamaan ka.. its funny back reading my blog and seeing this

I Miss You

* I miss your scent.

* I miss the way you stare at me.

* I miss the way you try to tease and piss me off.

* I miss the way you touch my ear and hair

* I miss our Jollibee nights

* I miss our late night dates

* I miss the way I call you sir, kasi hindi ko talaga alam itatawag ko sayo

* I miss taking care of you.

* I miss to touch your hand in a pasaway way.

* I miss our fights. Kasi slow at mapride ka.

* I miss the way you teach me in every little way.

* I miss talking to you, yong sobrang dami mong kwento tapos ako makikinig lang.

* I miss getting mad at you everytime you smoke

* I miss your seloso face

* I miss the way you tryna look or find me pag asa taas ako at nagawi ka doon.

* I miss your not manly attitude

* I miss sitting next to you.

* I miss your table.

* I miss the way you sit beside me without saying anything

* I miss our walk thrus and punchlisting pero nagchichikahan lang talaga tayo

* I miss making fun at you kasi pikon ka

* I miss the times you react or comment sa my day ko.

* I miss waiting at you to say pasalubong whenever I go to baguio.

* I miss your torpe attitude

* I miss doing accomplishment reports with you.

* I miss the time i miss you sa site kasi sobrang busy mo din sa ibang site.

* I miss your pissed face kasi d ko sinsagot yong call mo

* I miss your voice

* I miss waiting at you kapag ot ka kasi wala ako kasama umuwi

* I miss the time you care kahit ayaw mong ipakita

* I miss eating siopao and chicken with you

* I miss you treating me pero fuck ikaw lagi nagpapalibre

* I miss the time you dont have to ask what my order kasi alam mo na yong gusto ko.

* I miss the time you tryna chat me kasi nga hindi kita kinausap ng buong araw bec of a girl haha which is hindi naman dapat.

* I miss you taking pictures at me tapos bigla bigla mo nlng isesend sa akin.

* I miss the way you smile kasi sinabi ko na bagay mo and minsan ngiting aso ugh.

* I miss saying your hair is too long na gupit time, tapos the next day gagawin mo naman kahit sobrang ot ka.

Its been 2 months love, and everyday it hurts so bad. Ang bigat lang sa feeling na yong taong di mo matiis kayang kaya kang tiisin na wag kausapin. Amindo ako na my last day was really not that good. We didnt even talk the whole day. I was actually pissed that day because you know the reason why but you didnt dare talk to me.. kaya I decided to end my shift.. I decided to leave, but I only wanted to see how important I am to you. Nasagot ko pala agad. Sometimes nakakalimutan natin iremind sa sarili natin na madami magkakagusto sayo but few will value you. And whats making it worst is that vinalue mo yong taong gusto ka lang. haaay kaya hayan nilista ko nalang lahat ng bagay na naminiss ko sayo... let me MISS you until I don't anymore.

SEE? I was at the state where lahat na lang iniintindi ko, ni ligaw nga ako na gumawa p*Ta.. but in return ako lang pala. Every time I was at this situation, lagi kong sinisisi yong self ko but it should be the other way around. I started changing my sail, yes, without the thoughts of you, natuto akong magself love and I really pity myself now. GRABE ang effort ko pala. And I dont deserve a guy like you, thats what I told myself, now I’m sailing and catching my dreams without you of course and I dont regret it. It feel so peaceful na din my heart’s at peace. But it pisses me off how insensitive you are. Dude hindi ikaw buhay ko so wag kang magbida bida and magpapansin because Im done with you and I dont wanna waste my time with you. I shouldn’t be posting this pero triggered na ako ehh Sineseen ko na nga lang patol pa ng patol sa messenger. BORED ka ghorl?? ish.. PRAY for better days nalang ugggh

[chalk-reverie]

dis\crying again?

another melancholy night episode for me then. Surely, dahil wala akong natutunan sa online class ngayon and fuck I feel so stupid. Wala akong magawa sa sistemang kinakaharap ko ngayon.

Yes and I will rant tonight dahil hindi ako makutulog.

well ganito talaga kapag wala akong mapagsabihan ng damdamin na kahit friends or family ko hindi ako maiintindihan kasi I’ve always been misunderstood whenever I speak so i’d type or write it out. No one knows me so okay lang magsulat dito.

I’ve been giving all my best whenever I work pero some things are not worth fighting lalo na kung bale wala lang lahat ng ginagawa ko sa huli. Underestimated ako palagi. Sure baka naman sa aura ko na iyon pero nakakapagod. Kahit ako hindi ko na ma-appreciate sarili ko at iyon ang masama. Kasi sa personality kailangan lahat ng ginagawa ko may saysay, may patutunguhan, kung baga, I don’t like things doing that are meaningless, kailangan may saysay lahat. Kunwari, nagaral ako ng katawan ng tao dahil gusto kong magingdoctor, at kung pagaaralin mo ako ng calculus dahil kailangan sa subject eh ayoko. Naalala ko tuloy yung exam namin sa English na Purposive Communication na Body Language ang pinaguusapan which is a very good topic at interesting siya dahil I am aware that body languages have hidden messages that is done unconsciously by the communicator. Sobrang mahalagang skill ito para sa akin dahil I want to know and communicate effectively. Pero sinayang lang ng aking guro ang topic na iyon dahil pina memorize niya lang ang terms sa amin at moslty fill in the blanks pa at nakakainis na memorization kuno ang nangyari, wala, ang baba ko tuloy. I hate it dahil ang ganda-ganda ng topic naging isang basura lang dahil pangit magturo ang guro...

And that’s what’s happening half of my school life, and retaining absolutely nothing. Anong silbi, kung hindi ko naman magagamit lifetime (even afterlife)? fuck material things, fuck grades and fuck everyone trying to destoy my dreams!

And I am truly enrage of this system that I am currently with. Why? Our curriculum is SHT. Ang mahal-mahal pero wala parin silbi! I’ve already wasted 2 years of my life sa Senior high at ngayon wala parin at hindi man nabawasan ang subjects sa college at nakakapagod dahil paulit-ulit na lang itong mga walang kwentang mga subjects na hindi ko naman kailangan. Wtf. And look, kahit wala ako sa artschool doesn’t mean mas maganda sitwasyon nila. Y-yes i mean atleast sa direksyon na iyon straight to the point ang mga tinuturo pero ugh, artschools are not that impressive, mas papatayin nila ang pangarapp mo mag-express ng damdamin mo dahil they reject originality, they embrace familiarity kaya gagawa ka ng artworks na katulad ng karamihan at imbis sa sarili mong pananaw which blocks the true meaning of art (for me). Well. Walang pinagkaiba. Sht talaga.

btw, if you don’t know EMC, you should expect na may coding, dahil ako, i didn’t reasearched enough. I should go straight to what I love and it is truly my passion: animation. I was hooked bait by the school I enrolled to at walang magandang titser dito at thankgod, walang nagenroll dito sa hell hole na nararanasan namin ngayon dahil (secretly) one time na napasama ako sa promotion ng school and we advertise our course which is (EMC:major in digital animation pero secretly IT) sinabi ko sa mga nakakilala ko sa ibang school na huwag na maegenroll dito kung sa aming department nila kami mageenroll, dahil false advertisement nga pinopromote namin dito at hindi talaga maganda ang curriculum. Don’t call me names dahil, ayoko lang sila magsuffer in the end as well as their parents na rin.

Going back, gusto ko lang irant dito ang 1. pangit na curriculum 2. pangit na teachers 3. school is factory of killing your child dream. Well, this are just my opinion and based on what I feel at hindi lahat ng sinasabi ko ay totoo. Dahil ito nga ay onesided marami akong flaws na hindi mo kailangan paniwalaan at pwedeng pwede kang magdisagree.

4. I am tired

2 years lang ako sa college at napapagod na ako. lalo na ngayon na pandemya, mas lalo ako nawawalan ng gana, mas nawawalan ako ng lakas. Hindi na ako masaya, hindi na ako nakakatawa, palagi na lang ako nayayamot sa loob-looban ko, at higit sa lahat walang nakakaintindi sa akin.

Wala, bakit? hindi ko man kasi masabi sa magulang ko, kahit sa mga kaibigan ko ang nararamdaman ko. Nawawalan na ako ng pag-asa. Napansin ko din ng mga nakaraang buwan na nasasakal na ako, at dinadaan ko na lang sa laro dahil duon ako masaya, pero leche pinipigilan pa ako ng magulang ko at minsan, nawawalan na rin ako ng gana gumuhit at tumuntog dahil ano pa nga ba ang silbi? Para bang, nagiging maulap na ang aking paningin sa kakaiyak gabi-gabi. Parang bumabalik ako sa dati, sa dating ayaw ko ang sarili ko. Bakit ngayon pa na naghihilom na ako?  

Ang dali kong malugmok sa kalungkutan ano? Jusko, nasa genes ko na eh. Sobrang bilis ko lang madrain kapag hindi ko gusto ginagawa ko. Hay...