#what a fucking bust of a life i've made myself

[turtleneckshiv]

i'm so fucking tired i shouldn't post this here but it's my place to vent and i was mine first so if you shouldn't read this don't

[paperlignes]

Hannibal Double Knit Scarf Using Cascade 220 Superwash Completed in ~80 hours Pattern by Me

So uh… I made this. It took forever and i've honestly never focused so much on one thing in my entire life. I'm so fucking proud of this thing.

This is my first time using the double knitting method to make anything bigger than a swatch, so my tension wasn't consistent, but I think blocking it helped.

I spent a whole week hyper fixating on creating the chart for the scarf and knitting it took from around September to end of October.

I was knitting Hannibal's section and managed to finish his bust the morning I met Hugh and Mads. I wasn't planning on bringing it to NYCC because it wasn't finished, but ultimately I said fuck it and brought it anyway. I had to hype myself up to ask Hugh to wear it for our photo op (I was so fucking nervous and honestly embarrassed like, I haven't weaved the ends in and the scarf isn't even finished holy fuck), but I asked him and he wore it!!! And later on in the autograph he said he loved it so my life is complete.

Would I do this again? Yes. And I already have a plan of what it's gonna be lmao.

Chart will come out... someday. Hopefully i'll have time during the holidays to clean it up!

[threepandas]

Bad End: Heroic Collection

New Haven wasn't a major metropolis. Some big city like Delhi or Tokyo, Jakarta and the like. It was big for the area. A major hub for commerce and crime on a local scale. But Nationally? INTERNATIONALLY? Not even close. No matter WHAT the great ambitions that haunted the Mayor, late at night, may tell you.

So, really, there was NO fucking reason for any A Listers to be here.

NONE.

Our biggest exports were fancy fucking jams and that one fashion line I couldn't pronounce. We had honest to God Jam festivals in the fall. It was a circuit, Mayor gave out awards. There were pies. Firestrike always ate himself sick. Agent always laughed at him. I... Fuck, my head was ringing. I'd hit that last building HARD. Was pretty sure I tasted blood. Not... not sure if that was because I busted something in my mouth or...

Over my comms, I could hear my teammates fighting. Trying to hail the Alliance. If we could... could just hold on...

Long enough for the major players to GET here?

Then what? I had to wonder. Staring at a burning bus in front of me. It was half way lodged through Mrs. Brahimi's shop. Please, God, let her and the workers have got out all right. I'd been there just this morning. She made me those stuffed flatbread things. Said I was still too skinny. Should rest more.

I use the twist remains of a book return to lever myself to my feet. Book..? Oh. I'm by the library. Which..? Fuck. Main one. That's city hall.

Smoke rises around the city I've lived in all my life. Fires everywhere. I'm supposed... supposed to be a hero. But I can barely stand. Feel sick as the world sways. My body is one big bruise. Gotta... gotta keep fighting. Helping. Save people.

In the distance, I can hear screams.

I'm coming. I promise. I'm coming!

I make my screaming body move. Stumble. Catch myself. Then keep going. The hiss and spit in my ear tells me that my communicator is probably half broken. I don't try it, in case that breaks it the rest of the way. Wrench doors from half crushed cars to free trapped civilians. Lever wreckage, hold it with trembling limbs, so people can crawl to safety. Run. Please, god, RUN!

We aren't strong enough.

He's here, The Collective.

A hivemind super threat. Alien supposedly. So far above my team's pay grade we know basically nothing. The kind of thing we were expected to never realistically see. We're nobody's. Fuck it, we're HAPPY being nobody's. It meant we got to go home each night. Didn't face The Horrors. Like him.

He CONSUMES.

Hungry. Trying to fill some void that's never going to fill. Supposedly a planet eater. Gutting worlds for resources, materials, to continue his own expansion. Now fixated on Earth for it's continued refusal to die. For its defiance. Some A+ sort of monster, to our high C rank. At best.

Fuck... we dealt with HUMANS. Fought gimmicks and tech. Little fish in our little pond. Now this tsunami was bringing the ocean to US and it was all we could do, to swim and survive.

I leaned against a half smashed car. Braced myself against it, more then anything, then started pulling pot shots. I... I was gonna black out soon. With a concussion like this? Probably wasn't gonna be waking up. Especially if those THINGS found me before a friendly did.

All across the city I called home, The Collective had Drones tearing the place apart.

They'd almost be pretty. Tall, elegant, androgynous lookin, supermodel twinks in battle armor. Drones apparently covered their lower face. I'd know the "commander" by their uncovered face and "use of adornments". Useful! Except they could fucking SWITCH on command, so you have to take out ALL of them.

Because they weren't a collection of different soldiers.

THEY weren't a THEY. That? Was a fucking HE. Singular.

You don't consider each of your individual cell as people. Each follicle of hair. Why would HE? God damn it. It was like fighting a giant. Against Gods. They just kept coming. And my ammo? Was not endless.

Worse. The drones had stopped looking. I don't know WHAT they had been searching for. But now? They started to converge on me. On city hall. Fuck. I... I couldn't even really stand anymore. My vision was blurring. I knew for a FACT my shots were shit. But dense as they were crowding? It seemed enough. Kept them back.

Three cartridges left.

Two.

Only one more...

The Alliance was coming. Half my team had gone silent. I could hear tears in the voice of Tech, back in the office. They had our life signs. Built into our armor. I could only imagine what mine looked like. Prayed, like I hadn't since I was a kid, that the others were just unconscious. Safe somewhere.

Someplace this nightmare couldn't reach them.

I doubted I was that lucky.

Tech was begging me to hold on. Giving me ETAs. And... And I was out of bullets. The block half full of Drones. I had escrima sticks. A fucking tazer. It would have to do. Sticks came out, as I swayed to my feet. No longer letting the car behind me hold my weight. What's a little... let's say, hundred or so, on one? Eh?

Bring your friends. Let's make it a fair fight.

I'll go easy on you.

Bravado until the end. Remember, never know who's watching. You are a symbol. Before you are a man, you are their HERO. Don't you DARE let them down. Even if you die. Especially when you die. B.. Bravado until the end. Plaste on a smirk and say a one-liner, we got hope to shoulder.

I took down about three Drones... I think... before the rest swarm me.

Feel hands pinning my arms. My torso. Everything. A weak point between the panels is ripped open. High grade military fabrics doing jack shit against their impossible strength. The distinct pinch tug of a needle in my skin. Cold spreading. The sudden exhaustion of a powerful sedative. I... am gone.

Time... is blurry.

Now and Then running together in my senses. My brain. The concussion doesn't help. Or... or didn't? It feels... gone? Gone-ing? Oh... look, sky. Clouds. Pretty. Wasn't I standing? I am standing. No... no being dragged. Chair? Not chair. Stairs? Carried. Pretty window..... where am I? Fuzzy. Bluzzy fuzzy purple beans~ he he he~ oh! Those are the... watch'ma call it! Gucci chairs! That rich lady had! Neat. Plurble.

Ouch! Why'd you pi...?

My mouth is dry as sand. But suddenly? I am hyper aware. The floating drift of my mind VIOLENTLY gone, replaced by alerted and focus. Drones surround me in a vaguely familiar hallway. Shit. I think it's that rich designer's place. My helmet is off, but my mask is still in place, thank god. The Drones stand far to close for my liking. Their many eyes, amused.

So glad to entertain, you Fuck.

I am frog marched down the hall. Damn near dragged. They were too smart to restrain me with my own cuffs, unfortunately. So my hands are bound behind my back with something tight I can't get a good feel off. Bastard secured it to my belt, too. Great.

The Collective's "Face" is surrounded by what must be every jewel in the city. Piled high in some vague sorting pattern I refuse to even try and comprehend. He's trying on rings. One on every finger, to see what matches his skin tone. Looks good. Already, he has a pearl stud and some earrings he's decided he likes. He looks up as I'm dragged in, and I realize immediately what one of "a few other differences" between him and the Drones are...

It's the EYES,

They GLOWED.

Metallic almost. Nearly neon. They reflected the light in a way the Drones simply did not. It made their face... horrificly predatory. Made for WATCHING, somehow. Unnerving and haughty. Beautiful still, but uncomfortable to be near.

Sitting up on a table that basicly swallows the room, dead center like a show piece on display, with one long leg tossed over the other and no fucking shirt on? The Face looks almost carefully, artfully, staged. To maximize some "haughty yet coy, alien prince who maybe wants to fuck you" shtick.

Does... Does he not realize I'm NOT one of the usual opponents? I mean. Flattered at the "join me! The Darkside has sex and cookies!" set up. Always fun. Classic, really. But, like? I would be... at BEST... a solidly MID goon.

Also "NO".

Gonna preemptively throw that out there. Maybe some expletives for flavor. Suggest someplace sunless to shove it. SOLID "No". Good try, though.

Around me, the Drones are shaking with silent laughter. Staring down at me, their pale eyes dancing with amusement. It's creepy as hell. Unnerving to be the center of attention like this. For this many eyes, utterly in synch, to surround and watch my every twitch. Act fascinated and amused, like I'm some little animal performing tricks.

The Face hasn't dropped his Seduction to the Darkside routine. If anything, he seems delighted by the defiance. Which... yeah, that tracks. It's why he's harrasing out planet to begin with. That one's definitely on me. So, better question? Not that I'm not glad and all? Why the FUCK am I not dead.

"And lose my HERO? Perish the thought~" drawles The Collective, the posture light and lazy, even as something dangerous threaded itself through their tone. It sounded... possessive. But that couldn't be right. "I would NEVER do such a thing! In fact, we are going to have to be far more careful with that little processor of yours. Far too fragile. Just the one, too. Horrifying, really."

Thanks. Just what every guy loves to really make 'im feels special. Insults.

Fucker.

More laughter from all around me. I grit my teeth. Come oooon, Alliance. Where the hell ARE you guys!? Could REALLY use a rescue! The hands holding me still are drifting. Fucking handsy. Damn near stroking even as they hold me immobile. They're looking for the clasps and buckles on my armor. Have already found the obvious ones. Fingers oh so casually drifting over, to grip, flex, and tear them apart.

I do NOT like how loose my armor is starting to feel. Barely able to hold on. Protect me. Limited as that protection may be. I think I'm developing a horrifying empathy for clams. Crustaceans in general. Anything that gets slowly pried from the safety of it's shell, too certain doom.

The Face casually tosses the rings he was playing with aside. Tens of thousands of dollars bouncing off to God only knows where. He slides from the table to stand. Shit. He's huge.

The androgynous twink supermodel thing he has going on? Fucking LIES. Twists your perception of how, EXACTLY, strong the Face body IS. He clears seven feet easily, is muscled in that distinctly "never see me coming until it's too late" sort of way all the ninja types are.

The tattoos. It's the FUCKING tattoos! They give the illusion that he's slimmer then he actually is.

It HIDES MUSCLE MASS.

I can't tell if that's vanity or strategy and I hate it. Glare as he sashays towards me. Hips rolling in that elegant catwalk strut. I'm forced to my knees. Because of course I am. How ELSE will the bastard loom and gloat? Though really, weak as I currently feel, it's more that the Drones holding me up? Stop doing that. My knees more or less just give up on their own.

"Like what you see? You're staring so intently~" He mocks. If he were being genuine, I'd call it teasing. Flirtatious. But I know better. "It IS a pretty body, isn't it? I worked hard on it, you know. All sort of fun little details~ Might honestly be one of my favorites. If you're good for me, I'll let you explore it~"

THERE it is.

Darkside. Sex and cookies. Sign up today. Fuck you and not in the fun way. Keep your hands to yourself, Collective. You're not convincing me. You could tell me the sky was blue, and I'd make three presentations with a PowerPoint, on why you were a liar. No, still No, and a hefty fuck off No for spice.

Three steps away. Two steps. One.

A man that tall and dangerous? Frankly did NOT need heels. Figures he'd wear them anyway. Sharp enough to kill a man. Right infront of my folded knees. I refuse to look up. No more fucking games. Did have to wonder, though, if those pants... if they even WERE pants? Were painted on or not. Very tight. Looked vaguely metal yet leather.

Shit.

Fingers, splayed wide as they run themselves through my sweaty and probably bloodstained hair. Couldn't have been nice to touch. Wrong angle and just a touch too big to be a Drone. Light as a lover, sweet almost, soothing. Before it inevitably tightens, gripping the strands. Honestly not as hard as I expected, didn't even hurt.

Still, my head is forced back.

Back and back and back, forced to arch my spine, hang awkwardly at some forty-five degree angle. My thighs and abs already screaming. A Drone grabs the back of my armor and, with an almost casual yank, my chest plate is violently snapped free. Both tossed to the floor away from us.

"There we are~" the Face hums down at me, eyes nearly hypnotic in how the light moved from within, grin full of sharp and deadly teeth. "No more of that ugly thing in the way. I much prefer this~"

"Tell me, Little Hero, do you remember? Becoming mine."

No, I certainly do fucking not. What the HELL is he-!? From behind the Face a Drone steps. Dressed differently to the others. Casual clothes. Like... actual street clothes. If they weren't GREEN I never would been able too-...

In horror, I watch as the pigment of the Drones skin melts away to a middling average. So utterly nondescript a blend of ethnicities that it's genuinely hard to place, but won't stand out no matter where he goes in the city.

I... I had seen that face.

SAVED that man.

Thought he was CUTE! T..Thought WE were having some sort of MEET CUTE! Oh God. That was at the festival. I was out of costume. Saved him from getting crushed. Then my teammates handled everything before I could slip away. So I just... stayed. Showed the cute tourist the festivities.

We ate FANCY JAMS, YOU FUCK!

I pined our that cute tourist for WEEKS. Was UNBEARABLE. Tech threatened to shove me off a roof! Oh my god.

Laughter.

Dozens of mouths, laughing in perfect sync. The noise layered and bouncing strangely around the room. Deeper then it should be, higher as it swings. Like a radio or voice modulator that someone is messing with. A momentary loss of control. My anger fizzles out to fear. Oh... oh yeah...

I forgot I was fucked.

At.. at least I know why?

A step forward. Past too close and now basically in my lap. A foot on either side of my knees. I try not to think exactly where my face would be pressed if I wasn't dragged back, to hang near painfully arched, so he could lean down and I could be forced to make eye contact. That way lay madness.

He moved his other hand to my face, cupping it. Dragging his thumb possessively across my mouth. He hummed, pleased.

He pressed closer, sliding down my front to his knees, straddling my lap. REALLY hoped that WAS, in fact, a weapon in your pocket there, buddy. Because I am not liking the handsy direction this is going, nor have I come to terms with my meet cute being a monstrous planet killing warlord. Not feeling sexy, my guy.

....okay, a LITTLE sexy, but that is hormones and we ignore those.

Fuuuuuck, wandering haaaaands! Now would be a GOOD TIME for door kicking rescues! I do NOT want to learn anything new about myself today! I want to go HOME. Sleep forever, maybe! Have a burrito the size of my head! Oh god. Think unsexy thoughts. Math. Sad puppies! Sad puppies doing MATH!

The Collective had dragged me upright. Pressed my face right up against their Face's bare skin. All I could smell was expensive cologne and man. Warm skin. Oh god, I am so gay. This is hell and I am very, VERY gay. If evil, why sexy hot hot hot? Hormones are making very convincing arguments. Horny brain says let's make terrible life choices.

No! Nooooo. Stop it, Me! We are fucking better then this! God damn it, you trainwreck, you are a ROLE MODEL! Act like one! (But horny...) (NO!!!)

God I was never going to mock the fuckers who hesitates at the "sex n cookies" speech again. Persuasive mother FUCKER!

"Aah~" he sighed contentedly, far too close to a moan for my sanity's liking. Hands having finally found the hidden zippers of my undersuit. Slowly dragging it open. "You are FAR too cute~♡"

"I can't wait to get you off this worthless little rock. Back to ME. I'll have so many WAYS to take care of you~ Backups and rudimentary supports we can set up, at least until I get you something proper."

Horrifying. Deeply Horrifying. REALLY never wanted to know what terrified and horny felt like, but here we are. Distantly, I hear thunder. There's no clouds. A flash of red through the skies. Green followed by metallic purple. Oh thank fuck. Keep his attention. Just... just keep his attention.

"We'll use me as a base. Keep you in stasis. Away from all these ugly, dangerous things~! Just you and me. Perfect. BETTER. Infinite and beautiful. I'll make all sort of bodies just for you to play with. Even let you keep this one! If you want. It'll be a precious memory for us, of where you began. How we met."

A mouth on mine. I can't breathe. Can't escape the arms wrapped around me. My protests do little more then waste oxygen. I feel light headed. Come one, team Alliance! He's here! HE'S HERE!!!

"You're going to be MINE, little Hero. I finally figured it out. What I was missing. It was YOU~♡! My beloved, delicate, little thing~. I'm going to take SUCH good care of you."

"Forever~"

[mjr-acourtofdreams]

Dancing On My Own

Azriel x y/n, Eris x y/n

warnings: angst?

summary: this was heavily inspired by the song dancing on my own by calum scott. It kind of gotten in a different direction then I wanted it to go but yeah!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I made sure that I looked absolutely beautiful well the best that I could for being me I was definitely not as flawless as Elain I didn't even come close to compare. My eyes where not that pretty brown that shines in the sunset just right or my hair wasn't soft and had that golden glow to it. Look at myself in the mirror one last time the midnight black dress hugged my curves just right my curls flowed down my back a small smile ghosted on my face maybe he will finally notice me.

The party was at full swing by the time Rhysand picked me up and flew me to the house of wind everyone was already dancing, mingling and drinking their fill. "Thank you for the lift." I glanced over at Rhys he lightly bowed his head "The pleasure was mine y/n, please enjoy the party." he smile and made his way toward Feyre who looks stunning in her starry gown her smile grew has she made eye contact with Rhys her eyes caught mine and she grab a little wave I smile and then made my way towards the bar table. "Wow! You look absolutely stunning y/n!!" I nearly choked on my drink I turned and came face to face with Nesta and Cassian I nod my head "thank you, Cassian." I gave a small smile and turned "Nesta" I nod my head to her she did the same "I didn't think you would actually come." Nesta raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. "Well, I think it would have been rude if I didn't since Feyre invited me in person and I needed to get out the house..." I took a drink she just nodded and turned and walked away I let out a sigh I didn't know I was holding in "It will be okay." Cassian put a hand on my shoulder and gave me a soft smile and went to find his mate.

I still haven't noticed the two that I've been trying to avoid, well mostly I was hoping to at least see Azriel and for him to notice me and then maybe just maybe I'll tell him what has been on my mind since the before that day my sisters and I was dumped into the cauldron. I glanced my eyes to the dance floor and that's when I saw it. Elain in Azriel's arms dancing across the floor she smiled up at him, he looked at her like she was his whole world. The tears in my eyes started to form but that didn't compare to the pain in my chest that started it ripped through my soul tearing my apart slowly, a slow painful death but I couldn't look away from the sight in front of me and I don't think it would even help ease the pain if I did.

I forcedly wiped the tears from my eyes and turned towards the drink table grabbed a glass and downed it as quick as I could and then reached for another and did the same. if I have to stay here all night and watch those to fall in love in anymore, I'm going to need a good buzz to do so, fuck this. I glared back up and see the whole inner circle and my sister gathered around chatting and laughing without me figure that much. I have all ways been on outcast of our family, being the youngest of the sisters made it was I was pushed even farther aways from the afterthought of everything and everyone else I would think after turning High fae and after everything things would change clearly, I was so wrong.

Holding the glass so hard it might bust into a million pieces staring at the perfect found family that acts like I don't even exist I didn't notice the male approach my side and stood there "If you don't let go of that poor glass, we are going to have a mess to clean up." I jumped so hard and grabbed my chest trying to calm my racing heart, turning my body to face the person who scared the life out of me. "Oh, Eris!" I set my glass down and glared at him "You just scared me to death! Don't seek up on people like that!" putting my hands on my hips looking up at him and he gave me his devilish smirk. I never minded the new High Lord of Autum we actually grew a very close friendship through the short years I have been fae. "Why are you over here guarding the bar table?" he looked into my eyes, studying them. Shaking my head I looked back out towards the dance floor "well someone has to." I smirk playing on my lips I soon forgot why i was so angry a moment ago. I felt him move closer bending down close to my ear and he whispered, "well why don't you give up your post for a moment and come dance with me." I shiver ran down my back "looking has exquisite has you do you shouldn't be hiding on the side lines." I turned my head coming nose to nose with Eris looking into his eyes "I-I w-well..." I couldn't get my words out before he grabs my hand and drag me into the middle of the dance floor a smile grew across my face and I threw my head back and laugh, I real laugh Eris glance back at me with a smile across his face and a glow in his eyes.

Azriel's POV

A smile ghosted across my face while I took in my family all gather together laughing and smiling, glancing to the side I see Elaine holding her glass close to chest smiling brightly at Feyre and Nyx while the talk about something I am not sure I lost track of the conversation moment ago turn to see if anyone needs another drink I heard the my joyous laughter fill room bouncing off the walls, I could pick out that laugh anywhere. Turning to find the person behind the laugh, looking across the dance floor I see her, y/n spinning around the middle of the dance floor, smiling and laughing like I never seen her do she looks so free, so happy and at peace it made my smile grow even wider until I see the arm that reached out and grabbed her and lifted her up spinning with her... Eris, the smile that cover my face vanished and my blood ran cold my shadows started to swarm around. "Azriel... Azriel?" I felt a hand touch my arm and a shook it off and whipped my head around to see a worried Elaine and a confused Feyre looking at me the glance at Rhys, I felt claws coming down on my walls "what is he doing here?" I spoke to Rhys in my mind he took a moment to respond, "all the High Lords attended this year's Starfall, he is the new High Lord of Autum." I just glared at Rhysand and turn back to the dance floor now see them both in each other's embrace he smiled down at her, she looked at him like he was her whole world. The tears in my eyes started to form but that didn't compare to the pain in my chest that started it ripped through my soul tearing my apart slowly, a slow painful death but I couldn't look away from the sight in front of me and I don't think it would even help ease the pain if I did.

[rowanlevine]

🎙️ NEW EPISODE OF SUPLEX SOCIETY:

rare sit down with hook, @worshipme

the heartbreak and excitement of being a wrestling fan on monday

sad news about juice robinson

speculations and online chatter about returns

chatting about theme songs on my spotify wrapped

& MORE

transcript of the HOOK interview for subscribers. ⤵

did you have any early memories as a kid around wrestling events or training sessions? anything funny or surreal that made you think, ‘this is a wild life’?

not around wrestling, no. dad never wanted me to get into the business, actually. he'd get me signed up for a whole lot of other stuff though. judo. football. but it's definitely when i started playing lacrosse that i realized i had a crazy life. had the best gear always and my friends called me 'gucci' or 'gooch' for short. i even had my own personal trainer and nutritionist working directly with me. kind of crazy for a kid to have, you know?

you’re building a really unique look and brand for yourself. do you have any style icons or fashion inspirations that influence your personal style?

i just wear what i think looks cool. there isn't anyone that really inspires my look because i just find something i like and i'll wear it.

your in-ring presence has this silent, deadly intensity, almost like an old-school action star vibe. was that a conscious choice, or did it evolve naturally?

i think it evolved naturally. i mean, i definitely made the conscious decision to keep this character. when it really comes down to it, the persona really came around because it's just an extension of who i am. i really like keeping to myself and my circle small. if i don't like you? i'm judging you in secret. 

how do you balance wanting to make your own mark in wrestling with the legacy of your dad, taz?

the ftw championship played a huge part in me making my break while still keeping up my dad's legacy. when we started to realize that with the championship i'd sorta reached a plateau, we retired it. my dad's legacy will always be there, he'll always be a name that people recognize. i gotta work to be like that too.

i know you’re big into fashion and modeling, and that’s pretty unique for a male wrestler. what’s the last piece of clothing or fashion trend that got you excited?

warren lotas's current drop right now is super sick. i went through and got one of everything in my size, i can't lie. especially since its all like hoodies and sweats. i'll never have enough of those. if it ain't comfy, then i don't want it.

what’s the most memorable moment you’ve had in wrestling so far that made you think, ‘this is why i do it’?

god, this might expose me. but definitely when i wrapped that chain around my knuckles and gave that flying punch to preston vance and he ended up getting busted open. that was sick as fuck.

have you ever had a fan interaction that changed how you view your career?

oh, for sure. there was this little boy who's a fan of mine and he was all like 'you're so cool, HOOK! i want to do what you do!' that whole interaction made me realize that this was more than just getting to be on tv, meeting hot girls, and making money. there were little kids who looked up to me and thought i was cool - like a superhero. shit's wild. oh sorry, can i swear? sure, but i might have to charge you per swear, standard profanity tax. [laughs]

you don’t talk a ton on social media, which makes you a bit of an enigma. how do you decide what parts of your life you’re comfortable sharing with fans?

i mean, i've always been like that my whole life. i never really saw the point of posting on social media unless it was to show off. i also just hate people being in my business so i try to keep everything private. so really, i only post whatever i wanna show off or think is cool.

when you think of your legacy, is there a certain message or vibe you hope people will associate with HOOK years down the line?

i hope people remember me as a badass. that's really it.

if you could take a year off to master a new skill or learn something totally different, what would you choose?

honestly? i'd totally try my own hand at game design. my best friend's making his own game right now and it looks sick. i think i'm creative enough where i'd be able to make my own story game. or i just code my own fortnite-esque battlegrounds game. kidding, kidding. that genre's so oversaturated.

RAPID FIRE

favorite sneaker brand? vans one song you’ve had on repeat lately? power trip - j.cole, miguel a place you’d love to visit next? milan, italy favorite movie to rewatch? the dark knight dog or cat person? dog so telling socksock about this! best meal you can cook? i'm real good at making steaks. like reallll good. you're missing out.

[avissapiens]

Jockbull Summer Week 1 (12/11/23-18/11/23) - Set A

Model used is Tsonghan Wu

1 & 2.

I don’t typically train with push ups all that often, but I picked this as my personal goal because there’s such a potent jock energy about being able to show off and crank out effortless reps of push ups. Massive high school sports star energy. But we started small. Only managed 22 on my first day. Granted it was immediately after a Push session.

The second attempt however I integrated the competitive element. I went to one of my best friends from back home, K. Total stud who i’ve always envied and idolized. I expect he’ll come up a few more times before this is over so might as well give him some designation. I asked him to make it a contest to beat his score. He hit 30 in one go. I pushed myself so fucking hard because I would not lose to him. I was gonna kick his ass. And I did. I hit 31 and then spent a good minute on the floor unable to get up. It felt so fucking good tho. Increasing by so much. Pushing and winning against my bro. It made my night. 3rd attempt i hit 32. If i keep increasing. Keep pushing. Maybe i’ll get to 100 by the end.

3.

The first step is an important milestone. Obviously as a Self-employed writer/full time student in a different country I don't have a MASSIVE collection of clothes to chuck out (you all can change that). But there are definitely a few that I already know are going to get the boot when the time comes. The reason this one was so important for me and Jockrs is because we both felt that as long as those old clothes were an option, I’d keep defaulting to them out of habit. Over-sized, drab, boring. Hiding the gainz and the new person i want to become. So the first piece I threw out was a fairly cheap ugly grey long sleeved shirt that I bought when I first moved to NZ. 6XL. Bought 3 sizes too big for me at a time when I was 3 sizes too big for me. And as I've leaned down and put on muscle, all this shirt does is wash me out and make me swim in fabric. It had to go. But I still feel indebted to it. It was a go-to piece of clothing on my worst Dysmorphia days when I felt like a fat, disgusting piece of shit. It helped me deal with the anxiety of being in a new place where I clearly didn’t look like I belonged. It helped me hide when I needed to hide. But i don’t need to hide anymore.

4.

Unfortunately I couldn't really work on this as much as I wanted. Jokers was still in exam mode so some of the shared tasks that required him were a bust. That said, I did slip a few more "dudes", "mans" and "bros" into my chatter with gym bros. And I went as far as coaching some dudes through my leg day workout. This is one I'm eager to make progress on because it's so antithetical to what I've always been. My speech has always been a weird indistinguishable hybrid. I’ve been mistaken for American, British and Canadian. I’ve had my voice described as “trans-Atlantic”, Despite coming from the Caribbean. I was always discouraged from indulging too much in dialect and slang when I was young. “Speak properly”. Combined with being fairly bookish and advanced, maybe that led to some good things in the long run. My skill with words, language and voice are unique. They’re why you all love me. But it did mean that by the time I was in secondary school I was a little alienated from my peers. I didn’t talk like them. I didn’t want to either but it was rough always being mistaken for a foreigner on soil you have never left in your life. In a sense, me picking up an even more exaggerated americanized accent is taking that full circle. Developing a bit more control over my speech to inhabit an ideal I have always longed for. Sounds cool, rite brah?

5.

Again, one restricted by Jockrs being in exam mode. I didn’t want to get too far. But we finally watched the first episode of the 2018 series. One of the rare occasions where the dub is notably better than the sub. But god. What a wild ride. 10/10. No notes. It's just pure gas. And that first episode really struck a chord with me. Something visceral about being palpably perceived as a threat. Emanating danger from you that lessers can sense in their bones. Actually being a weapon in human form. I get such a thrill from that concept. I understand why the toxic tik tok gym bro crowd latches on to this show so much. I think I will too.

[gladdyator18]

2025 Blog Plans

Hey hey everyone! Happy NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope everyone is doing well. First, I wanted to say thank you for a great 2024! Even if I didn't do much on here last year cuz of school work and life getting in the way, but hopefully this year, i can bust out new art for you guys.

I have some stuff I wanted to address of what I want to do this year, as well as some upcoming posts (all under the cut cuz there's a lot):

Remember how i said i was gonna redesign my Winx Club OCs? Well, great news! All of them have been redesigned, revamped, and all that jazz! I am aiming to post them sometime late-January maybe (don't hold me to that) I had completed these during 2024 but quite literally had zero time to post them, and with how my schedule is this semester, hopefully I should have enough time to post them by late-January.

For my fics with my OCs, I would love it if you guys could give me ideas for what I should write! I have a lot of OCs and I really want to start writing more tickle fics for them, but motivation and inspiration is rather low. I'd love and appreciate it if you could give me ideas! All of my OCs can be found here! And if it's an idea specifically for my Fire Emblem OCs, their tickle tier list is right here!

Speaking of tickle tier lists, let me know what characters you want to see for it next! Some of the fandoms I have done art/OCs for have a good amount of characters, so I would love to know what characters you want to see on the tickle tier list next!

For the past 4 months, I have been working diligently on a Minecraft fanstory using one of my favorite mods, Iron's Spells & Spellbooks! This story's primary focus is on this mod as well as When Dungeons Arise's Keep Kayra, sprinkling in some other mods, like Biomes O' Plenty, Better Structures, Mowzie's Mobs, etc. This story will be a series with 4 books! The series is called Kayra's Magic Academy (taking account of When Dungeons Arise's Keep Kayra but adding huge twist on it) My friends from college have been helping menmake this story and magical adventure engaging as possible and not to not be mistaken for a Harry Potter rip-off. So, hopefully soon after I post all of my new Winx Club OCs, I'll start posting these characters, as well as the map I made for this story (not the actual Minecraft, sorry, just a visual of what this world looks like. Wish I could but IDK how to do that) Once the story is done and posted, I will add a link to it here!

Speaking of the previous link, I will be restructuring it just a bit, but no major changes to it.

As for my new art series, Sona Color Swap, I will be getting back to that shortly; I just need to ask some other artist friends of mine with Sona, cuz some of them don't have them, so.... yeahhhhhhh. But with the artists I've done sonas for already really liked them, and I'm glad. So, for right now, Sona Color Swap is on a mini hiatus until I ask other artist friends if they're interested.

To kinda summarize all of this: All of the things I wanna post and change on my blog is not gonna happen overnight. I know I say I want to start posting towards the end of January, but even as I say that, I have doubt that I won't be able to do that. Do I want to post during that time? Yes. Funny enough, one of my new years resolutions is to be more on top of my work, both for school and personal; this blog included. A goal I want to set for myself for this blog in particular is to post something every month, if not, every other month. I wanna keep this blog going and active. The only time I will ever be on hiatus for this blog is if I'm working on important school assignments, family emergencies, burnout, or if I'm on vaction. Of course, I will keep you all updated and will annouce if I'm taking a short leave to work on stuff within my personal and school life.

This post is gonna be long as fuck, but these are the real desires I want for this blog, and it'd mean a lot if you guys could help me out. I know there's only a small handful of people who really interact with my blog, and I am eternally grateful, but I want to give you guys more to interact with. So, if you guys are willing to send me asks, sugestions of fics or tier lists, along with maybe art of some characters, that'd be so so great, and I'd be very appreciative.

Okay, I've yapped long enough. Once again, thank you all for an incredible year! Here's to a great, fun-filled, blessed, and productive new year!

[trashyandtiredsol]

UPDATED: December 23rd, 2024

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Life Death and Love - Master Post

-> |#Life Death and Love au|

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Personal Info And Tags (Only Some That I Actually Remembered To Add :P) Under The Cut

Multi-Fandom Blog (Don't be surprised when you follow me for one thing then I post about another thing).

My name's Sol or Solstice! (On here that is, not my actual name, tho I wish it was sometimes :/)

17 (Birthday's May 2nd, 2007 !!)

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈 Demigirl and Queer! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

Recently found the term demigirl and I quite like it for myself so- ye I'm adding it here :3

Pronouns are He/She/They (mainly She/They tho)

-> |#sol full of art| my art tag

-> |#she/they| the pronouns posts I've made for myself

-> |#pinned post| important stuff

-> |#my saved art tips|

-> |#my saved tips|

-> |#nice music| It's just music I've reblogged that I like and maybe you'll enjoy it too!!

-> |#venting me| my vent tag, feel free to ignore!

-> |#answering asks|

-> |#nice convos!!| for conversations I have!! Kinda forget to tag this sometimes (a lot of times) and some of the conversations aren't really conversations either

-> /#absolutely/ plus some other word like fabulous or love it or lovely or gorgeous or stunning or love this concept or some other words I don't remember at the moment (Try searching absolutely in my blog and hopefully all the reblogs I did will show!)

-> |#saving!!| for some saved stuff I wanna look back on

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-> |#tag chain|

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-> |#ask game| for ask game reblogs

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-> |#foodie au bluecrop blueberry| for my foodie au oc

-> |#tmnt foodie au| general tag for the foodie au

-> |#collabs| collabs I've done with others

-> |#art| art from reblogs and very occasionally my art if I add that tag to those art posts and is also a huge compilation of a whole bunch of art from different fandoms (you can click on other specific tags on most of those to find other related stuff I've reblogged)

-> |#Garfield Logan| and |#Beast Boy|

-> |#dtiysol💚| My DTIY's!

(70+ Follower DTIY) so far it's only Blue from the foodie au ( participant's: 01 ) Deadline: December 1st, 2023 (only adding a deadline so I don't end up forgetting about this after 2 months)

(Finished)

(100+ Follower DTIY) for my Life Death and Love au

( participant's: 00 ) Deadline: None

(Permanently Ongoing I Guess? )

[xx-j4nu5-c4t5-xx]

Alright the poll was up for like two hours and five of you wanted the Tybalt dream have fun

I might need to put content warnings in here? There's a few mentions of death and blood but nothing in like excessively graphic detail. I'll put them in anyway just for good measure but know that they're not that bad.

TW: Mentions of blood and death

Y'all ready for this?

Okay, so I'm in my high school (again, for some reason)(I'm actually me this time, btw) and it's actively flooding via the fountain in the courtyard. Everyone's panicking. Pope Francis is there for some reason but he only shows up once and doesn't do anything so whatever. I run out of the side of the building that's further underwater (because apparently my school is lopsided as hell in this dream) and start bailing out the floodwater with a bucket. Really efficient.

I hear a voice yell something like "hey!" or whatever so I turn around and. Tybalt Capp. From the hit 2004 game Sims 2 for PC. Great.

Instead of asking me what's going on like I expected him to (because he was just running around panicking like everyone else a second ago) he just says, "Whose blood is that?"

At some point in the ordeal, I had scraped my leg or something. It was bad enough to be bleeding, but it wasn't really bad enough to be important. We had bigger fish to fry, at the time.

I try to explain what's going on and before I can even start he just snaps and starts shouting shit like, "YOU KILLED HER!"

And, naturally, I respond by going "TYBALT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT" and trying to explain again.

But he won't stop screaming. "YOU KILLED HER!" "YOU KILLED THAT LITTLE GIRL!" I'm begging him to stop, begging him to tell me who the little girl is, but he's fucking insane. He isn't screaming like it's some news story he heard about, he's screaming like he's been fucking hunting me down for vengeance for the last ten years. Hell, he's screaming like the girl is right there in my arms or something.

(Quick aside here, if I might: Does Tybalt even have any lore relevant little girls in his life? I've never played Veronaville and it's been a hot minute since I read the original play so I'm not really sure. He's Juliet's cousin, I think, but she's definitely a teenager in both versions. Not really the type I'd refer to as a little girl. Who the hell is he even talking about???)

Anyway, I don't really know why but I got a little crazy myself and freaked the fuck out. Frustration from being talked over and survival instinct willed me to just start grabbing things and throwing them at him. I snatched an apple out of the blood-streaked floodwaters and flung it at his head so hard it made this diabolical CRACK! as it hit him square in the eye. Even in the dream I was taken aback, like jesus christ dude what was that for he didn't really deserve a concussion for freaking out good god almighty what's worng with me

Eventually we were running down a stairwell, and either he was chasing me or I was chasing him. It makes more sense if I'm chasing him, because he was in front of me on the stairs, but idk. What was I chasing him for? Whatever. He reaches the landing and just... stops. Right there. Dead in his tracks.

Mind you, we were CHASING each other. Throwing ourselves around the corners and practically jumping down the steps two or three at a time. And all of a sudden, he hits the bottom and freezes. I catch up to him and what's he looking at?

There's a body in the stairwell.

An entire human skeleton. It looks like it's been there for years. Shit's practically fossilized; I thought it was a Halloween decoration. But he's just staring at it, wide eyed, like he's trying to identify who it is. Who it was. There's still sounds of rushing water and screaming above us. The water's going to bust the doors and come crashing down on us any second.

But he won't move. Neither will I.

I turn to face him, and he's absolutely stunned. Mouth agape, eyes wide, still locked on the skeleton. He was so gobsmacked it woke me up.

Here's an artistic recreation. I woke up with this image frozen in my mind.

Why do I always leave these dream worlds worse than I found them? I possessed some guy and made him have a sexuality crisis last time and now I've fucking traumatized Tybalt Capp what is happening to me

Anyway uh if anyone knows how to make that shit stop happening or at least make it nicer when my little guys show up in my dreams can you tell me? I don't know if I'm gonna handle it well if next time one of the ones I really like shows up and I'm forced to break their legs or something horrific like that

[cyanidas]

BIG News: I'm trying to make some really huge changes, and I'll need your help.

Before I grant any details, I gotta preface everything with the reality of our situation; Jay, the sole breadwinner, has been a victim of yet another "new hire surprise fire". He was booted without warning, written or verbal, about two weeks ago.

Evidently this is very common in the production wood/metalworking industry, otherwise this wouldn't have happened so many fucking times, because he's a great person with amazing work ethic and that's not just my bias talking - most of his coworkers have felt the exact same way as me across every company he's worked for.

Of course, THAT DAY we wasted no time in reaching out to contacts and applying for mountains of positions on Indeed, on company websites, and the state hiring portal. Nobody has contacted him back. ONE hiring agency gave him a "maybe". Even I have applied to several places for myself, with not so much as a rejection.

Seeing the trauma this caused him first hand was my final fucking straw.

I'm sick to death of suffering this tragedy. I'm sick to death of hearing the love of my life, my Fiancé, cry because of how he was fired. And I'm sick to death of coming here or crawling to my friends and family for money they don't have because we're legitimately hopeless for it.

I don't have the heart to continually beg for cash. It was never something I've been good at or proud of doing, and it kills me inside to DM people for commissions I don't even have the time nor energy to do. I'm sick of this. All of this. I need it all to stop.

So of course, I want to nip this in the goddamn bud.

I met a very sweet vendor in Iowa who gave me a load of resources on how to get started selling my art on actual things I get to see and hold for myself and hand to people in person, namely conventions. It's a hell of a risk but I need this to work. I'm so exhausted from asking for money so please help me make this be the last time I ever need to come here for help.

More details will come, because I'm also tired of making plans and leaping forward without having anything to show for it. When I actually have these products designed, that's when I'm going to show you guys everything I've made, with as much detail on my thinking and planning as I can get out there (because lord knows the internet has taken advantage of people's generosity before).

When that time comes, please *please* give me your support. It would legitimately be world-changing for us.

I just wanted to get this out here asap so people would know what I'm going through and, hopefully plan along with me. I don't just want this to happen, I *need* this to *succeed*. I don't have any other option. Right now, I'm busting my ass on product designs (literally because this chair hurts!!), and Jay can attest to that.

I plan on having *something* to show for all my hard work by next week, and soon after, a Kickstarter to make it a reality. Keep an eye out!!

[domesticadventures]

i've decided once again not to respond to my former boss's insane emails, though before i deleted this new one i did forward it to some of the other folks at the firm who used to work with her as well, and it's unsurprising but still gratifying to hear them echo my own sentiments, which are basically that her email was incredibly arrogant and gives the impression that she still completely lacks any sense of self-awareness and over the past 5 years has not managed to look inward literally at all lol.

the first paragraph of her most recent missive was her apologizing but gave the impression that she didn't understand exactly what she was apologizing for. like she clearly understands i'm angry with her but still doesn't seem to understand why i'm angry. and like yeah there are the various things she did that one could (and which i did) find morally/ideologically repugnant, as i touched on here, but if i'm being honest with myself, what was actually more upsetting were the more mundane things she did that just affected me personally, as i alluded to here.

like the stuff with my sister - i believe in the absolute right to abortion despite my personal offense at her saying to me, a person whose sister has downs, that she would have aborted a kid simply because they had downs, but what actually made me so angry that i was shaking was her confident statement to a coworker that i just "didn't understand about the loss of expectations" despite the gap between expectations and reality being a pretty significant source of strife in my family. the moment that i describe in this post - the one where i sat on my mom's lap and cried and begged her not to leave - remains one of my clearest memories from that time, more than 25 years later.

and then of course just the daily annoyances that came with working with her. i remember in the last couple years, we would meet as we always had to go over her cases and i would wind up having to repeat things, no joke, sometimes 4 times because she was distracted playing on her phone. and it's not that she was doing anything important - she was like, scrolling fucking facebook and instagram. so one time i called her out on it, and she said something to the effect of "if you're going to be like that, i have other things i can be doing," which was of course fucking stupid because i was out-billing her at like a 2:1 ratio at the time, what did she have to be doing that was more important than going over her cases so i could keep her whole stupid practice running? anyway. she subsequently promised to be better about it and then almost immediately broke that promise and then acted like i was being unreasonable when i got annoyed about it. her promises are literally not worth the breath it takes to speak them lol.

or even like, there was one day where i was busting my ass because it was the biggest deadline day of the month for the type of law she was practicing at that point, and while i was frantically trying to get everything done in time, she was sitting in her office with her spouse loudly making vacation plans.

and the rest of the email was like - i mean it's the same shit it's always been, which is her being unable to view other people through any lens other than that of what they can do for her. she's sorry if she hurt me! she wants so badly to work with me again! she misses my wit and my good work! she wants to have a relationship with me again whether personal or professional! love and light but my life has gotten massively better since i moved halfway across the country and broke off all contact with her lol.

anyway. it's weird because in reading her recent email, which also included some personal updates, i was reminded that i didn't always feel this way about her. i mean, i know that at one point i loved her - it's documented in my posts on this very blog - but whatever affection i felt towards her has been so layered over with [gestures] everything else that at this point i can no longer touch it. nowadays i only know what it feels like to be alternately angry with / disappointed in / sad for her. the last one is more recent and has come as somewhat of a surprise. i guess it's just that it seems like being her must be exhausting (she always reminds me of the ending of gone girl - "every morning you have to wake up and be you"). i do genuinely hope, in spite of all prior evidence and experience, that she someday manages to change for the better. i just don't plan to be a part of that process, lol.

[unhingedwomandiaries]

27,974 fucking steps. That's how far I've walked today chasing after some bastard Oreo-flavored Coke like it's the Holy Grail of fizzy drinks. My back's soaked through like I've just done hot yoga in a sauna, my legs feel like they've been through a meat grinder, and I'm pretty sure I've given myself an actual medical condition from walking like I'm being chased by a serial killer. All because I'm a complete twat who can't manage time properly.

Right, so here's the thing. Coca-Cola, in their infinite wisdom (and probably after a few lines of their original recipe), decided to smash together cookies and cola like some demented five-year-old mixing drinks at a birthday party. And me, being the absolute muppet that I am, decided I absolutely had to try this abomination. Like my entire existence would be meaningless without knowing what liquidized Oreos taste like in carbonated form.

Checked every fucking corner shop in town. Nothing. Not a sniff. You'd think living in this pisshole would at least mean we'd get the weird shit, but no. Even the petrol station was a bust, and they stock those energy drinks that look like they could strip paint.

Any normal person would've given up at this point. But oh no, not me. There I was, thinking "there's one more shop, just a fifteen-minute walk from work." In the opposite fucking direction. Because apparently, I hate myself.

8:15 AM, and I'm power walking through some concrete wasteland like I'm training for the Olympics of Poor Life Choices. No idea where I am, but absolutely certain that work starts soon and I'm approximately seven million miles away. Pretty sure I saw a sign that said "Welcome to Narnia" at one point.

By some miracle (or maybe God just felt sorry for what an absolute bellend I was being), I made it back to work with four minutes to spare. My hair looks like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards, I'm sweating like a nun in a brothel, and the cherry on top of this shit sundae? Not a single fucking can of this mythical cookie-flavored nonsense anywhere.

But tomorrow... tomorrow I'll probably do something equally mental. Because apparently, that's who I am now – someone who nearly gives themselves a coronary chasing after novelty soft drinks. Living the dream, aren't I?

Watch them discontinue it before I find it. That would be typical. Or I'll finally get my hands on one and it'll taste like someone's dissolved an actual Oreo in battery acid. Could probably achieve the same effect by dunking biscuits in my regular Coke, but where's the fun in that?

Maybe this is what it feels like to lose your mind. Not with a bang, but with a desperate quest for cookie-flavored cola at arse o'clock in the morning. If anyone needs me, I'll be plotting tomorrow's route like I'm planning a bloody bank heist. Because apparently, this is my life now.

[lobstermatriarch]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers (if you’d like). Spread the self-love ♥️

💛💛💛

Thank you for the ask, and sorry for the delay! Picking favorites is so hard and I'm trying not to let recency bias come too much into it (recency bias might be coming into it anyway)

Come Down - Baldur's Gate 3, Rated E, 128k words. A slightly canon-divergent retelling of the game, centered around the Dark Urge's blood calling and Astarion's unique talent for keeping it under control.

My most recently finished longfic comes in at the top. It's easily the most fun I've had during the writing process, I've met some great people along the way, and it's been so freeing to really lean into the horror and gothic romance side of things.

Heartlines - Mass Effect: Andromeda, Rated T, 15k words. A Jaal-centric prequel to the game, focusing on growing up in a culture that has never known anything but war.

I might be the only one who loves this fic, but I do love it. Heavily inspired by Nona the Ninth, I wanted to shore up the (slightly spotty) established lore and explore a sensitive lil guy who just wants to live his life in a galaxy that really won't let him.

Goodnight, My Dear - Fallout 4, Rated T, 8k words. A worn-down ghoul and a busted up synth meet again at the end of the world.

Immortal Valencock angst! Nick and Hancock outlived all the others by a couple of centuries, now the world itself is dying. What are a couple of sad old ex-boyfriends to do?

Restraint - Baldur's Gate 3, Rated E, 3500 words. Astarion gets a very risky blowjob and has to decide what kind of partner he wants to be.

Never thought of myself as much of a smut writer but this was fun, and made me want to write it more often. The topic of Astarion's relationship to sex has been hashed and rehashed and debated to death, but I still have a lot of feelings about it and will continue to make those feelings everyone's problem.

Flower Bright - Mass Effect: Andromeda, Rated E, 104k words. Ryder inherited her mother's chronic illness, and now the Angara are gonna have to talk about it whether they want to or not.

Did I get so mad about one throw away line of banter that I made a whole OC specifically to challenge that aspect of the game's lore? Did I then write 100k about her as a way to point out how secretly fucked up it would be if the writers stopped to think about it for even a minute? The answer is Eat My Entire Ass, Bioware.

[hotdamnmadison]

Well geez. A year sure does fly by pretty quick, huh?

I feel a bit rusty - haven't blogged, journal'd, or yelled from a rooftop in quite a long time. Try and stick around for the ride (if you're reading this... or maybe I'm writing it for myself).

For those of you who care to doomscroll - you'll see that I took a hiatus from Tumblr, and from a lot of things. I wrote a pinned post (since swapped for this one), detailing all of the things I intended on working on. Finances, Mental State, Physical State, and Sexual Frustrations.... Here is how I made out.

Number one: I wasn't careful enough with my other self and unfortunately I was caught red handed at the beginning of this year. It got pretty messy and I've essentially tossed out my fem side. the 60/40 split male to female is now 100% male. No more panties, no more wigs.... all gone... more on this later (though if you disappear now I wouldn't blame you).

Finances - ugh... up and down. Currently down but never count me out. I won't bore anyone with the deets. Just know that my job relies heavily on my activity and effort. And I've dumped a ton of time into it. I am hoping to see the fruits of that labor very soon.

Mentally - Day by day I think. Today - not great. When I'm doing the things that I enjoy doing I'm obviously distracted and life is manageable. Pressures from work, bills, money, blah blah blah. Typically human stuff.

Physically - probably the only real bit of good news is in this section. No alcohol since early March, and fuck me has it been hard. Multiple weddings, parties, holidays, and free days where I could've bought a 12 pack or bottle if I really wanted to. But I didn't. And I haven't. And I won't. I've been running, exercising, and even competing a bit. I'm not binge drinking every day, and my body thanks me for it. Sleeping better. Waking up earlier. Not hungover all the time. Feels good.

Sexually - Yeah, again to reiterate the above I got busted stashing clothes and experimenting. Truthfully, it could've gone worse - but it was still ugly nonetheless. I'm really not experimenting at all these days. But every now and then - the days of old slip back into my mind. Hence why I logged back in today. I remember the parts of "madi" that I enjoyed (not the booze, not the secrecy)... I just loved being someone else for a while.

All in all - I'm alive and well for those who care to inquire. I had a lot of big plans back in December of last year. And honestly, I'm heading in the right direction for a lot of those goals... I'm not quite there yet. But I feel like I'm progressing little by little. And that has to count for something.

I felt semi guilty signing on and writing this - because it felt like sexual relapse. But as I'm writing and the thoughts are pouring out, I realized something. I'm allowed to have a fucking journal - and I'm allowed to have a private blog. I'm allowed to have a safe space. And I'm allowed to be here.

This doesn't mean I'm going to be super active on here, but I may sign on and enjoy my blog every now and again. Maybe relive some old posts, discussions, and see how may of you goobers are still active. Maybe I'll see how much of what I used to say and do I still actually agree with. Or maybe I'll be gone for another year. To be honest I really don't have a clue. And that's fine.

One day at a time, Madi. One day at a time. ❤️

[lauvra]

Artists, writers, we deal with loneliness in the best way we can, we, only human and so often the kids who spent recess wedged cross-legged between book shelves in the library, seek connection and if unsafe around others we're gladly absorbed by the worlds of fiction writers. Maybe we create silhouettes to keep us company and call them imaginary friends, they take the place of our imaginary friends. We lean into delusion. I've molded clay busts before for a sense of consolation, I've written characters to do the job. I'm not alone on my own because I will go crazy brazenly and build-a-pal, obviously it isn't sustainable but then again... Even though I'm leaning into my solitary practice, I'm merely taking a beat. I've felt really hurt lately but it's been a good thing. A friend of mine disappeared and I went through every emotion over it, but it's made me realise I was less alone than I thought I was over the last two years, so I'm grateful. As usual, I seem to appreciate people more once they're gone, it's a serious character defect of mine. A big one, and I'd frankly advise people to stay away from me. These situations are ultimately really positive for me, because I come through on the other side realising it's a choice to stay open-hearted and I always get back on that path regardless of how devastating it feels. I feel so stupid when I connect with people, even when it goes well! The psych was drilling it in to me that we need connection, we need it. Babies die without physical affection, no matter the formula they're fed etc etc. I get it, but my reaction is always "mmm it's unfortunate, though", I'm very very very sensitive, I know it's the case. Contrast is what makes life beautiful. I don't want to fuck anything else up and so I soothe myself with art. All of this is probably shit, I haven't been able to say anything that looks like it makes sense for a while. My little heart, guys, it's cool to know it's there I guess?? I've got a lot of issues, I don't find friendships easy at all. I even look back at old ones and feel vulnerability hangovers years later -- my inclination is to believe I'm the butt of a long-standing joke in the head of anyone who said they cared, it's unfathomable to me that people like me and I find proof against it, just being really honest. I'm very self obsessed and selfish so !!!!!!! bye

[khaosophist]

Old pictures of my altar to chaos. I wonder why I didn't have nyarlathotep and the headless apollo together...maybe it's a batman/Bruce Wayne situation.

I put the idols into my axolotl tank. It didn't last long, as I discovered the paint would chip, and that the apollo bust was plaster and dissolved. I learned the hard way that I wasn't equipped to care for them properly. Nyarlathotep got some nice crust going though...I'm sorry Shoggoth, Yig, and Zoth.

In order: My Pythagorean cup of chaos, My tome of eternal chaos.

I still haven't found my Tiamat necklace, or my apple of discord pin, and my hand of eris pin. I shouldn't be so dependent on such small things to be myself. But representation matters. Maybe I should dedicate my flesh one day. But what would I even put? I regret almost all of my tattoos. I'd do a cover-up, for sure. The mantle of chaos upon my skin as much as I feel it in my marrow.

Y'know I never did check the source(s) for saying that mortals were made from Tiamat's blood. Mother of dragons, and gods, and all she's remembered for is her death. Y'know what gave birth to gods? Titans. Y'know what gave birth to titans? Chaos. Y'know what gave birth to chaos? Nothing! GET IT?

OH! If nothing comes from nothing for all time and eternity then the most unexpected and chaotic thing that could happen is chaos from nothing. Else, there's a whole lot of nothin going on right now.

OH! Right, the paradox of quantum entropy, or the 'entropy isn't disorder' argument. Based on my reading of reichenbach's The Direction of Time , entropy is just a measure of possible states of a system. So, if a system is (x,y,z) then it has more entropy than (x,y). This definition can be used in a quantum mechanical perspective where (x) is a pure state, and (x,y...a) a mixed state. Now, suppose everything is a result of different quantum states. This means that a quark is a sum of quantum states, a proton a sum of quarks, an atom a sum of particles, a molecule a sum of particles, and so on and so forth, yeah? With this in mind, it means quantum entropy goes up as we go through different scales because each change of scale adds more to the whole thing. However, there's a point where things just...look like life, right? If entropy was disorder, we would expect absolute fucking madness, no? We'd have a lot of possible states going on if we just go to the atomic level because of all the sub-atomic quantum states. To me it just means this, everything is chaos, but it sure doesn't look like it! I'm looking at a mind boggling coincidence. Pardon my English. I believe there's a measurable function between scales that normalises possible states as quantum entropy goes up. So there's a measure between the entropy of scale A to entropy of scale B, which explains why this state is happening rather than that state which would account as to why we seemingly experience things in an orderly fashion. But, anyways, who cares? Words words words, weeeee!

Also, Eris is the fairest. WAIT, no, my wife is the fairest. Shit, If I've spurned love, wisdom, power, and chaos...Am I courting mortality? Meh, potato po-tato.

Right! My grail!

Drank some wonderful communion from it.

Two hours writing again.

Posterity is nice.