#what a feeling to start the new year
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#i'm trying to stay positive about my cat but it's been really difficult tonight#i'm just... so sad#he was eating just fine but now he's only sleeping and eating so little#i'm worried out of my mind and don't want to force him to eat to not stress him more than he already is#he's taking his meds and everything but i just feel... hopeless#what a feeling to start the new year#with#i just wanted to vent a little#will probably delete this later#it's so hard to see such a crazy and active cat being all quiet and tired#ugh i hate feelings
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soon it'll be dawn again
transcript under the cut ⏬
page 01
Fig: no way? - you're still up?
Riz: Wh– yes?
Riz: Why'd I not be.
page 02
Fig: I me~~ean - that took.
Fig: whole day.
Riz: Yeah?
Fig: 'm beat.
Riz: you should sleep.
page 03
Fig: nah. my guy's still up
Fig: I wanna hang out.
page 04
Riz: That's really nice.
Fig: Hah! - Nobody ever expects an Archdevil rockstar to be nice.
Riz: … yeah. - 's just budget work tho. (the stuff I'm working on) - I've heard it's boring.
page 05
Fig: yeah, but you do it…
Riz: It keeps things going, right? - Nothing happens if nobody sits down and - does the thing.
Fig: That's right… - though. Yeah.
page 06
Fig: sometimes it's someone else who - doesn't want the same thing to happen.
Riz: … - mm.
page 07
Riz (off screen): …It took me a long time to get that not everyone likes doing what I do. - 's probably because you guys are so nice– - or. - kind.
Riz (off screen): to anyone too, not just. - the people you /love/.
page 08
Riz: that's not how it is elsewhere. - The world's– not. hostile. - but 's not like it's kind.
Riz: So I'm doing as much as I can now…
page 09
Fig: Hey.
Riz: ?
Fig: Go dig some dirt with me.
page 10
Riz: [blank speech bubble] - oh you meant like - actual dirt. (not incriminating information)
Fig: o yea.
Fig: there's clay in the backyard soil. - sometimes when I'm sun deficient or something I go touch dirt for a bit.
page 11
Fig: here u go
page 12
Riz: uh
Fig: now we make a thing! - 'm pretty good at freehanding a bowl.
Fig: I'll show u
page 13
Fig: just– yep, flatten that out as evenly as u can, then–! - actually ur nails'd be so good at cutting out the strip. [larger than usual space] wait. - wait. wait u can carve patterns with them! we HAVE to try
Riz: uh - What. do I carve?
Fig: anything!!!
page 14
Fig: and– yep just seal the inside uh. seam?
Fig: yep that works - okay time's up! all contestant hands up
Riz: [blank speech bubble] - okay - wh. what's next?
Fig: haha - watch this.
(sound effect text): FWOO—MP
page 15
Riz: WH– DON'T JUST DO THAT???
Fig: Now it's fired!
Riz: THAT WAS NOT SAFE
Fig: (actually it's just dry. if u add water rn it'll dissolve)
Fig: ok catch!
Riz: [blank speech bubble] - careful!!
Fig: dw no need haha
page 16
Riz (thought bubble): oh - it's warm…
Fig: now I want you to throw this.
page 17
Fig: u gotta do it - c'mon
page 18
Riz: wh– - It's like 3AM right now
Fig: oh it's not /fired/ fired it's not gonna make a loud noise
Riz: And then just? leave a pile out here?
Fig: pour water over it & it'll be gone I told u
Riz: but
page 19
Fig (off screen): RIz.
page 20
Fig: I've done all this before.
Fig: Can you trust that at least?
page 21
Riz: no, I– - I do. - I trust you.
page 23
Riz: okay what happens now
(sound effect text): glob
page 24
Fig: we do it again!
page 25
Riz: wh. [larger than usual space] What do you mean. (this clay's too wet also)
Fig: see! you're already learning
Fig: [blank speech bubble] - there are flows that are futile to fight. - The world changes.
Fig: Things change.
page 26
Fig: I've learned my lessons with "forevers". - But - as an artist
Fig: I can give you one thing: - You can always do it again.
page 27
Fig: most of everything depends on the rest of the world, - but this. - making new. - that's yours as long as you want it.
page 28
Fig: So?
page 29
Riz: Yeah. - Yeah! - let's make another one.
#dimension 20#fantasy high junior year#fhjy#riz gukgak#figueroth faeth#technically no spoilers in this comic but listen. I Will be gloating in tags. I will Never Shut Up#for the record!! this was fully conceptualized and sketched Before the finales. I started sketching this after the boat fight#and when murph closed riz's arc this season with ''maybe it's okay to change and welcome new things'' I pogged irl#I am simply the best at reading comprehension what can I say! (<- grown ass man with roughly the same perspective on teenhood as the player#fucked up that this became so long (almost 30 squares lol) that it took me this long to finish#lmao I say all that but. genuinely I am delirious and my feelings abt riz's arc this season are so big... I was getting psychic backlash#for a While lol. it was scary!!#had to sit down and do therapy on my own ass for a bit. the teenage apocalyticisation is real. that word isnt tho Im pretty sure#truly anything you do at that age feels like that's it that's all you've got going on forever. and its not true! its simply not true#you'll be okay my guy. you love your friends so so much but also there will be more to love out there#this one goes out to fellow aroaces and also folks leaving somewhere theyve called home for a long time#nothing lasts forever but that means new things come by too! ur ability to make new is infinite!!#there's no magnum opus people leave but new people come by too etc. I am too sleepy to remember what I wanted to say uhhh#well. thank u for looking at my art. I think thats the one pack it n ship it boys
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When you find out years later that you accidentally named one of your henchmen
Image ID: A multi-panel comic featuring au sanses. Panel 1: In Killer's original universe. A dark figure stands in the foreground while Killer is sitting back in the snow, covered in blood. Killer says "wh-what are you?" Panel 2: The dark figure is Nightmare but only his smile is visible. He says "I am Nightmare, guardian of all negativity in the multiverse ...and I have a proposition for you, Sans." Panel 3: Nightmare's hand is outstreched, he says "Come with me willingly and I'll take you out of this desolate and barren universe and let you loose on many others." Panel 4: Killer is looking back at Nightmare warily, a thought bubble shows he is thinking "other universes...?". He says "...in exchange for what? What do you want with me?" Panel 5: Nightmare's tentacles are reaching out towards Killer. He says "I feed off the fear and misery and hatred in this world, stirring these up will keep me powerful enough to fight against the guardian of positivity. In short," Panel 6: Nightmare is looming over Killer now, his tentacles surrounding him. He says "I just need you to be a good little killer." The word killer is in red text. Panel 7: Killer is grasping Nightmare's hand, having accepted his offer. Panel 8: Now in a different au, Nightmare stands beside Killer as he taunts Dream, who is out of frame. He says "You're outnumbered now Dream, I have a killer with me this time." The word killer is in red text again. Panel 9: Dream is lying on the ground looking hurt and ruffed up. Killer is standing in the background, looking ready to continue beating Dream up. Nightmare says from out of frame "You should know better than to turn your back on a killer by now." The word killer is in red text again. Panel 10: Nightmare is standing by Killer again, looking smug. He says to Dream, who is not shown "You'll need more than that pathetic bow next time you meet with my killer here." The word killer is in red text again. Killer is looking towards Nightmare, pleased with this. Panel 11: We are now in Nightmare's castle, present day. It is revealed to be Killer telling these events to Dust, who looks bored. Killer says "-and the name stuck, so that's why I'm called Killer now." Dust says very quietly "did I ask" Panel 12: Nightmare is standing in the corner behind them, he looks very surprised and concerned after hearing all this. Text with an arrow pointing to him reads "Didn't realise he had done this." Killer from out of frame says "he doesn't really call me his killer anymore tho" with a frowny face. Dust, also out of frame, says "that's nice now shut up" End ID.
#UTDR#UTMV#My Art#Truce au#Killer Sans#Nightmare Sans#Remember when I said I wouldn't have that comic done? Sike I finished it earlier#Anyway you ever accidentally name a guy and don't realise until years later when he brings it up#Killer loves it because he feels special for getting his own name that's not just his au#(and also because he wants to be Nightmare's favourite and this is his evidence)#Nightmare hates this. He did NOT mean to name his henchman like a pet he feels awful#Maybe down the road Dream can convince him how much Killer loves it and he'll let it go#Killer absolutely hates being called sans he doesn't want to think about his old life#So the new job and name were kind of just what he needed at the start#Anyway I'm rambling. I just thought it was interesting Killer was one of the few to not be named for his au#And given the name it might be something Nightmare had a hand in#He also helped him find his signature look with the inverted clothes colours but we'll get to that another time this is already too long
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monster X monster hunter
#baldur’s gate#bg3#baldur’s gate 3#astarion#wyll#I AM SOOOOOO NOT NORMAL ABOUT THESE TWO#IMAGINE BEING PERFECT FOILS OF EACH OTHER#BOTH TURNED INTO MONSTERS AGAINST THEIR WILL#imagining young wyll trying to court astarion and just being so genuine about it#as one of his first loves he wants to do everything right but is still overall (fairly) new to the whole thing#vs astarion who is much more cynical after 200 years of seducing victims#he knows how to play someone’s heartstrings like anlite and is overall very detached from the whole thing only#doing it to make aure wyll wont murder him or something#but then selune forbid it he starts to develoP FEELINGS FOR HIM KSDBBSJAJA#and then just as astarion starts to fall into love wyll almost falls out of it as he realizes astarion was LYING to his face the whole time#about liking him#and then there is DRAMA and a secret slow burn underneath what you THOUGHT was a fast burn#AHEM. anyways.#im gonna draw more of these two cause wyll is soooo slept on#pictured this as early in their meeting/relationship which is why wyll doesnt have horns yet#also *anlite i meant to type *a lute but shaky fingers#rip no tag editing
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soft🥹
#this is LOOSELY based on a photo of the only fictional couple I’m not normal about#(scully and mulder)#bc I had to make my new obsession just like them😇😇#hope you all have a good rest of your day I am going to bed now!!!#I am EXHAUSTED I woke up at 3am😭😭😭😭😭#my dreams are often like lucid dreams and I can control most of them#but also they’re like SO VIVID I can eat sleep feel everythinf etc etc#anyways last night I dreamt I was a detective a la Morgan freeman in se7en#going after a serial killer#IT WAS SO SCARY I WOKE UP LIKE😳😳#I’ve been awake since then & I genuinely don’t even know where it came from bc like#I haven’t watched horror movies in forever I abandoned true crime years ago…#my brain was just😃#also it’s funny I did this x files drawinf today#because I started watching that show when I was TWO#my mom figured if I watched scary things from a young age I would never be scared of anything#idk what she was thinking bahahahahahahahaah (it did not work)#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy fanart#hphl#hogwarts legacy oc#hogwarts legacy mc#eloise babbit#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow fanart#sebastian sallow x mc
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can we PLEASEEEEE talk about nico sturm's white boy swag PLEASE. like what was that. why were the sharks so intensely hiding his white boy swag. "oh we got him for his face offs" WHAT ABOUT HIS WHITE BOY SWAG. imagine if the sharks had not made a holiday music video we would not have never known about nico sturm's insane white boy swag. ik you all are consumed with thing1 and thing2 and also thing3 and thing4 but what was going on with nico sturm in that video, we need to discuss. why was he the only one giving it's big and i know what to do with it energy. ON THE SHARKS?? HELLO
ALSO. cody ceci can't rap nor should he ever again get his ass off the mic but he DID sound like an npr show host. he has the smooth tenor of a man telling me on all songs considered that this all-female octogenarian shoegaze quartet is going to be playing at hardly strictly bluegrass this year. or like a guy who was an overnight host for a classical music station. he's telling me he's got gershwin to accompany me through the cold winter night. he's signing off with an instrumental version of "st. james infirmary" at 6am. he calls his listeners his "lovers" and gets away with it bc the only people who listen to overnight classic music stations are lonely old men and particularly unwell college students. ohhhh cody ceci you're wasted as a dman you should be romancing old men
#HEAVILY REDACTED BUT I FEEL NICO'S BDE IS THE REASON MARIO HAD TO LIE AND SAY HE'D BEEN YAPPING TOO MUCH#guys i woke up so evil this morning i think i spent six solid hours airing my grievances to ko until i realized it was because my feet#were cold and had been all day. went to beryl and said beryl my feet are cold and beryl said well i think wool socks are going to be#better for you in this climate than cotton and i said WHAT DO YOU MEAN I NEED A NEW WARDROBE FOR AN ENTIRELY NEW CLIMATE#like i did have a winter coat and winter boots to be clear but?? so i made a large wool sock purchase and a smaller slippers purchase#and can i state for the record i did live in baltimore for four years over a decade ago when snow was real. i did live in a colder climate#than the bay area winters i have become accustomed to#but looking back i just have no memory of how i survived that. friends from ohio telling me how to dress i guess#keats got a new parka too. but i bought that before i realized i was cold. but if HE'S cold I'M cold#i think ko heard like every complaint under the sun. i think i invented new things to be cheesed off at as i was going#except the 15 minute interlude where i turned to k and popped off about how the sharks treat goosh#but if i start talking about that again the sap center is in danger of becoming a new feature in the wetlands#fine i will be brave and say it. i think nico said ok if you lost your adhd fidget toy (phone) then i will give you a new one (his dick)#BYE. BYE#fresno oilers.txt#my feet are cold :(#fresno oilers.write
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compilation of my villagers bullying me. this will be a growing collection. these are all from today alone.
#‘but Eliza didn’t you start a new Wild World town on an emulator’ Yes#i’ve had this town for 4 years which is the best i’ve ever done LOL but my cartridge is showing its age and freezing and i don’t#feel like getting yelled at Resetti. but i dislike the controls for the ROM especially since my keyboard is weird#so we’ll make do. somehow#Purrl in my GC town was dumb like Purrl in my WW town i’m pretty sure i did a reset trick and cheated her in LOL#DUMB LUCK#which is what i’m vowing to stop doing by starting all these towns#‘don’t cheat or constantly delete your town to get good villagers’ is like the most basic thing you can do but my AC#perfectionism and neuroticism runs very deeply#when i was a kid if i got a villager i hated i would delete the town without question and would refuse to look at the screen. i hated Cesar#and Boone for this reason and them moving into my town is the worst thing that ever could have happened to me and it happened many times#because i was a RESETTING FOOL!!!#i love you deeply Animal Crossing but you have made me foster some incredibly odd neuroses#ac
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Ash IG Story
#please tell me why i out loud exclaimed OH MY GOD at seeing this video like what hyperspecific need is this filling in my brain#5sos#5 seconds of summer#ashton#ashton irwin#instagram#ai ig#video#kh4f post#can i claim this as gardener ash adjacent content#also if so can i still claim it as birthday content#i feel so insane about this actually and it's hilarious and truly eyeopening tbqh#i am learning things about myself what a lovely way to start the new year of my life#i just.#idk#👁️👄👁️#i feel like these tags could be better but I'm legit disoriented by how attractive this is to me
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More doodles of my boys 🦩🎋 (Vergo was eating croquetas)
#doflamingo#donquixote doflamingo#vergo#vergo one piece#fanart#one piece#my art#lately I'm just doodling a lot and don't feel focused enough for finishing a full drawing 😅#but I have to start thinking what to do for christmas and new year 🫠🫠🫠#btw#Verdof#again#because I love my boys
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everyone meet mr peanut butter ❤️ my new little baby!! he's an 11 week old angora bunny. I've always had bunnies (I have 3 others at the moment, not including mr. PB, all of different breeds!) and I decided to specifically go for an angora this time since I've been enjoying my yarn spinning so much! so not only do I get an adorable little sweetheart to love, but I'll be gradually collecting his fluff as I groom him for my spinning projects hehe how cool is that?! I'm so excited :)
I'll keep you guys updated on here maybe, if that's something people would be interested in! I've just moved homes and I am so lucky to now have loads of wonderful outside space that I can't wait to use for creating the bunny wonderland (bunderland?!) of my dreams for my furry babies. I'm currently in the process of building a fancy 8x8ft barn for them to live in, then once that's all done I'll be building an attached walk-in run so that they'll have a nice secure outside space too! I can't wait to introduce mr. PB to my other bunnies and get them settled into the barn - it'll keep me busy as my winter project!
#I feel like this is going to be the beginning of a new series of posts where I'll show you guys what I'm up to on the land!#which means I should probably give them all a tag so that they'll be easy to find?!#let's call it#bee's little home#:)#I have so much I want to do!#I'm currently living temporarily in the main house on the property but next year I'll be moving into my very own little shepherd's hut eeek!#also can't wait to start on a veggie garden next summer!!#I got big plans >:)
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i don't think I've ever enjoyed a birthday party with friends as much as today i am genuinely getting a bit teary eyed
#initially i wasn't planning to do anything but then i thought what the hell what if we go out to drink something#except it was all very up in the air so a good deal of folks couldn't come (which is fine that one's on me)#but the two who COULD make it are genuinely some of the funniest motherfuckers I've ever met and one of them brought his gf along#and we hit it off IMMEDIATELY and THEN we ran into another pal I hadn't seen in a while and hadn't had the chance to invite in person#who also joined in after he finished hanging out with other people and they got me a present????? 😭#i haven't had a birthday with friends in fucking . 3 years between covid and everyone i knew moving away#I'm so happy i think my heart is going to explode#which ik. hey isn't that a very boring and simple hangout YES but also not to me baby i have been in a depression isolation all my teens#i started to genuinely enjoy my day to day life like. 4 months ago ever since starting uni#it feels like turning a new leaf yknow? like. i made it. i made it out. god i could cry#sorry I'm a little drunk
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Found this on Pinterest but there was no name. If you wrote it please tell me because I have to give credit for this because it's just too perfect and uh... the feels!
#dick grayson#robin dick grayson#Robin Dick will always hold a special place in my heart#the fandom depicts him as this kid full of energy and enthusiasm as sure he was at some point but not in the beginning#he was a little piece of shit but can you imagine what he was going through?#he hated the mansion#he hated Bruce#he hated the world#it took him months to get used to his new life and years to start considering Bruce as a father figure#I wish I could just hug him but he would probably punch me#time to reread dark victory#I could never get enough of kid Dick Grayson#and this...#the fucking feels#dc comics#fav
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It was one of the rare nights that Nightmare decided to actually retire to his room for the night. He didn't need sleep, with enough flow of negativity he could easily survive without it, but sometimes it was nice to just lay down and rest.
He had a dream. They were rare too, if only because he slept so infrequently, but this particular one was common for him when he did. It was about killing Dream. The ongoing war between them was constant on his mind, so it made sense it would invade his unwaking hours as well. In it, he finally managed to crush the life from his twin, in the process gaining unwavering control over the entire multiverse as he watched the other's eyelights dim.
He sat up in his bed.
He was panting. His tendrils, slowly reforming from behind him, were trembling as they hung uncertainly in the air. He realised slowly as he returned to reality that he was gripping the sheets tightly with both hands.
Panic was an emotion Nightmare had rarely been on the other side of for centuries. It took him a few long moments to even identify it from within his own soul, rotten and imprisoned under the corruption. It took him even longer to identify the part of him that he had long assumed dead, which was crying out for nothing more than to cling to his brother for comfort.
For the first time in hundreds of years, Nightmare wasn't sure what he wanted anymore.
#UTDR#UTMV#Nightmare Sans#Had this in my head the other night when I was trying to fall asleep and only just remembered to type it out#This is set before any kind of truce is even thought about#Just the first inklings of Nightmare's passive wants finally shining through#I like to think any kind of truce or dadmare or friendly content of any sort with this guy#comes with a slow but steady arc of passive Nightmare wrestling back control from the corruption#He doesn't ungoop but he slowly returns to feeling love and wanting people around again - especially Dream#And it's probably terrifying at the start for him#Imagine having one goal and gunning for it for literally hundreds of years#and then one day waking up and thinking ''do I actually want this...?''#Like what do you even do when that's all you've known how to do for most of your life#The good news is so help me god he will be happy in the end if it's the last thing I do#But boy it's a rocky start to get there
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I was thinking about why Carry On works for me when typically I like minimal exposition! I like being dropped into a story and figuring it out as we go along. Some of my favorite books are like that. And a lot of Carry On is spent on the past, musing over memory & history. I think it works for me because it feels very grounded in the Simon’s personality and emotional experience. He truly doesn’t believe he has a future… so of course he treads over the past.
That’s part of why it works for me: it feels emotionally honest.
In the story, this backwards focus serves several purposes: it orients us at the end of the heroes journey (think of your life flashing before your eyes before you die) and it builds up the color and weight of Watford & by extension the world of magic. It suspends us in Watford’s history & Simon’s longing. Which I think creates a nice tension w the end, we’ve spent the book thinking about Simon’s story and what it means for him that he has lived this life and how it seems totally at odds with a future. And we know that he loves magic, we feel it viscerally in his descriptions. And then he loses a heroic end AND a life with magic. He gains a future but it’s not any kind of future he might have imagined. This then carries us into the next books where things are so radically different, which for all their sadness feel more hopeful than Carry On lol
*(and the rest of the series but i have a whole other list of things I love for those)
#when I say the other books feel more hopeful… it’s not that you don’t feel the grief in them but a lot of carry on is adrenaline… at a point#you’re running on fumes#Simon Snow#Carry On#& beyond the persistent “back in x year “back when I fought y or Baz did z etc etc#literally it starts when ghosts are coming back!!! Simon & Baz both grapple with their origins w what they were built to be and how that#happened#etc etc#anyway I’m just observing here but it works so well for me!!#i love that Wayward Son was totally new ground even as they fell into old patterns of behavior. like totally removed from their history…
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The unmistakable sound of footsteps approaching begins to fill the air. Whoever is coming seems to have brought some company along…
They are getting closer… and closer… and closer…
…and closer…
……until..................
"Goooooood evenin'!!" Comes the loud greeting from a certain blond man. A big smile on his face and all.
"We beg your pardon for our prolonged absence. It was completely beyond our control..." Then adds the gentleman standing by his side, apologizing on behalf of both, offering a genuine smile along with the apology.
"...BUT! We're back!" And hopefully for good this time…
#[HI HIIIIIII~~ HOW'S EVERYONE DOING?? 8)]#[IDK IF ANYONE REMEMBERS ME OR MY MUSES ANYMORE?? BUT HELLOOO]#[one million years later but we're backkkkkk]#[i'd like to start by apologizing for completely disappearing for months without any announcement]#[life has been far from kind all this year so far and this has greatly and negatively impacted me emotionally]#[like..very VERY badly (harmful stuff and etc)]#[all to a point where i've had to take some time off from most social media]#[and which is also why i haven't checked or replied to any messages anywhere in a while]#[not that i'm the most social and most active person ever but you get what i mean here ;v;]#[the original plan was to come back here like a month or so ago but as you can guess i was unable to due to the same irl issues]#[i'm not gonna lie i'm still not doing well]#[but i wanted to come back or at least try to]#[since writing for these two and the ogre street guys always brings me joy and i also missed everyone here!]#[i'm still unsure if dropping threads will be the way to go for now or not#because i have no idea if my partners are still interested in any threads we had prior my unannounced hiatus]#[or if anyone's still interested in interacting with me and my muses again ;v;]#[so if we have ongoing threads i'll likely be jumping into your IMs over the course of the days to ask about it]#[i just need to check my thread tracker first because i can't remember what i owed last time ;;;;;;]#[as always: we can start new stuff any time in case you're no longer feeling whatever threads we had]#[and we can also start from scratch if that's best too]#[so no worries there!]#[enough blablah from me for now]#[i missed you all so much!]#[and to the new followers this blog somehow earned in my absence: Hi!! Thank you for following and I hope we can interact soon!!]#[hope everyone has been doing great during my absence!! <3]#;speedwagon says (( ic ))#;jonathan says (( ic ))#;ic#(??#;speedwagon withdraws coolly
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Mouthwashing Spoilers
TW: Addiction and Self Harm
I wanna go on about Swansea's final monologue but it's hard to put into words, but I'm gonna try anyways cause it's a short, but strong story about autonomy again. This post ended up significantly longer than I wanted though
It's the autonomy to choose the "less healthy" option because it's appealing to you. It's the moral assignment to normality and stability. An alcoholic is an alcoholic by choice, technically, but do they owe us otherwise? Is it morally reprehensible to enjoy taking LSD at a party? Should we see someone as less than because they relax with a xanax instead of a hot shower? It's not healthy. We know that. We've seen anti-drug ad after ad after ad. But is that the part that's morally wrong, in and of itself? Does enjoying the drugs and chaos make Swansea a worse person?
Like him talking about his entire life and ending it by saying between the "stable" "normal" life and him waking up every morning with a new hangover, he preferred the latter. People always talk about getting clean and fixing their lives and Swansea did it! He did the thing "good men" do! A wife and kids and a trade job and sobriety! He was doing it! He was finally "worth" something!
And he hated it! I mean I don't know if he actually hated/despised it, but he misses his previous life. He misses drugs and partying and living like you might not wake up the next day. He said the thing that changed him was seeing himself dead in a ditch under the bright beam of a streetlight. Now he's looking down the barrel of a gun. And as he looks down it, he looks back. That was his preference. It felt good to be like that. And he wouldn't be here if he stayed there
We always have a narrative about drugs or gambling or sleeping around where a person suddenly realizes that they aren't "doing anything" with their life and becomes stable and it's always played like addiction is a false pleasure. Swansea got to the stability people said would be the real pleasure of life and that just wasn't true for him. One bad paycheck could've been the difference between his stable life and falling apart anyways. His lifestyle was going to kill him someday apparently, yet he's staring down the barrel of a gun at his steady trade job to feed his wife and kids.
I don't know quite how to word it but Swansea is the poster child for rehabilitation. There's this weight to him saying his alcoholic period was the best time of his life. Like it just hits at that pang that makes people wear DARE shirts while smoking weed and post those videos of smoking 100 cigarettes at once. Anti-vaping ads tell you about the damage they do to your body but everyone knows that already. Everyone knows "this is what your brain looks like on drugs." I smoke medical marijuana and it isn't good for my lungs but it's good for my pain. Doing drugs isn't good for me and I know that and that's sorta the point sometimes.
I don't know it's just this weird pang where I know what Swansea means, just not to nearly the same extent. I don't have an addiction so I don't think I could fully understand it. Maybe a better thing I could relate it to for myself is self harm. It's not healthy sure, but who do I owe health? Myself? Other people? And what is healthy? Is it feeling better now? Is it resisting now and feeling worse for it until it stops? What if the coping skills I learn make it worse? What if they make it better? Do I want it to get better? Does Swansea want to get better? What would better feel like to either of us?
Who knows until you try. Swansea got a collared shirt, a mortgage, and a credit card. He got a job and a wife and kids. He got sober. He got healthier, depending on your definition.
But did he feel better? He's looking down a barrel of a gun and he has to decide if he feels better. It doesn't seem like he regrets his new life. He says he wants his kids to be better than him. He wants good things to happen for them. He saw himself as one bad slip away from falling again. I don't think he felt better though. I think he got healthier. He likely would've ended up in the ditch he dreamt about, but we don't know that. We also don't know if that's what he'd prefer. But, we do know he got healthier, depending on your definition.
#mouthwashing#tw addiction#tw self harm#It got a little personal in the end but I keep watching that scene cause it reminds me of a convo with my therapist#It's been a lil under a year since I last self harmed#but he told me that things like addictions and self harm are tools#they're neutral actions that either make you feel better or worse#and that's usually up to the circumstances around the action rather than the act itself#Taking narcotics might fill you with shame or make you feel giddy. Maybe even both#Self harm can make you feel embarrassed but cathartic#That's unhealthy#now what?#There needs to be something to replace that feeling or you'll just crave it until you can't stand the feeling anymore#And sure you can talk about will and self control but why? Who are they doing this for? Themselves? Friends? Family?#Cause there's so many factors that can make that difference and sometimes the answer is 'No one'#So you crave and is that healthier? I'm not saying to self harm again or break your sobriety#But there's gotta be something to replace it. AA and NA use a higher power and ppl use nicotine gum for smoking#Essentially what I'm saying is that it's not the end of the world to enjoy your addiction#Is it unhealthy? Absolutely. Wounds can get infected and drugs can be laced or you can OD#But is it morally wrong for Swansea to say those were the best days of his life?#Is it wrong for him to live the sober life and decide he preferred his alcoholism?#My therapist doesn't want me to harm myself. He'd prefer for me to learn new coping skills to replace it. And I did#The urges still come up for me sometimes. He says they come up for him too. Less so. But they do#He says a relapse could happen. What's wrong with that? You just start over with a new goal and a new skill. And if that skill is worse?#Well that original tool is there until you get a new one. It's not great but it feels better than a new bad tool#And maybe it's okay to fiddle with that old tool if you don't wanna bother with a new one again
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