#i started to genuinely enjoy my day to day life like. 4 months ago ever since starting uni

[carlyraejepsans]

i don't think I've ever enjoyed a birthday party with friends as much as today i am genuinely getting a bit teary eyed

[futureslaps]

The Captive - Chapter 3

Chapter 2 Chapter 4

Hi everyone 💙

Only one main POV in this chapter (with a mini-Jake POV).  I had a lot written and didn’t want to post a massive chapter compared to the others, I want to keep the length fairly consistent. Thankfully, this means the next chapter is practically half-done.

Enjoy!

Since he’d woken up, Quaritch had made an effort to keep his mind occupied. For some time, he searched anywhere he could reach, trying to find a weakness in his prison’s design; a loose section in the wall, a forgotten tool, maybe a rock he could use to work away at his bindings. But Sully had done his job well, and the hut was completely devoid of anything not dedicated to keeping him where he was. Even his vest, which had contained various emergency tools for such a situation, was gone. As was most of his equipment. He’d been left with nothing but his undershirt and pants.

Once his escape plans had been foiled, and when it became clear his death wasn’t imminent, Quaritch switched his focus to passing the time. After all he was clearly meant to be here for the long haul.

He’d briefly attempted some exercises, but his wounds and tightly bound legs made that a non-starter.

Eventually he settled on counting the rings on the tree the hut was structured around and trying to catch various sounds from the outside. It was mind numbing but still something.

Eventually, despite his efforts, thoughts on how absolutely fucked he was started to creep in. As far as he knew, he was presumed dead by the RDA. None of his squad had been left on the ship in those final moments, and he doubted the RDA was eager to launch another ship into enemy territory to recover the wreck and bodies from the last…

And then there was the matter of Spider. When he first woke up, he’d been primarily concerned with Spiders well-being. He still was, but as the hours passed, he began to feel the actual lack of Spider’s presence more and more.

As far as he could tell, at least a full day had passed since the battle. He’d never been away from Spider this long since they’d met in the jungle all those months ago, and the more time he spent alone in the damp, stuffy shack, the more he missed having the kid around.

He missed that bright, genuine smile Spider briefly flashed when he was happy. He missed the passion he had whenever he was explaining something about life on Pandora. Hell, he even missed Spider’s sass and insults, the ones that somehow made him both irksome and endearing.

He grinned in the half-dark as he remembered a few of Spider’s “greatest hits”. Goddamn, he didn’t know when let himself become such a sap when it came to the kid. It pissed him off a bit, but he didn’t mind too much.  

If he ever got out of here…

“Let me through.”

Quaritch quickly recomposed himself as he heard a familiar voice behind the flap that served as the hut’s door.

Sully

Quaritch steeled himself. Was this it? If it was, he wasn’t going down without a fight, however weak it may be.

The flap lifted and Sully stepped through, holding a pair of bowls in his hands. And if looks could kill, face Sully wore would have easily sent Quaritch back to hell.

The two men stared at each other for a moment, each trying to put as much contempt into their face as they could.

“Quaritch.” Jake broke the silence.

“Sully. It’s about time you showed up, I was starting to get bored.”

Sully looked like he was about to say something, but bit his lip, and placed the two bowls down in front of the bars. One held water, the other some kind of stew.

Food and water? What the hell?

“What’s this Sully? Trying to fatten me up before the slaughter?”

“You will have food and water while you are kept here.” Sully replied almost robotically, clearly trying to keep himself in check.

“Speaking of here, would you mind telling me why you decided to ‘graciously’ spare my life and dump me in this shithole instead?” Quaritch said, intently keeping his eyes focused on Sully. Truthfully, he wanted the food and especially the water, but there’s no way he was letting Sully know that.

Sully visibly sighed, then spoke, trying to keep his voice level.

“When you surrendered on the Sea Dragon, you asked Eywa’s mercy. As a surrendered warrior, you could not be killed, by Eywa’s laws.”

Surrendered? Asking for mercy?

Hearing Sully describe him like that enraged Quaritch, but he held his tongue for now. He still had to know more about his situation.

“So has your Eywa god commanded you to keep me in jail?”

“Only until your trial.”

Quaritch’s breath hitched at the words.

Trial?

You’ve gotta be shitting me.

“A trial? What trial?” Quaritch responded, his rage starting to seep into his words.

“13 days from now, when the monthly cycle ends, you will be brought before the Na’vi people and judged for your crimes against them, and Eywa.”

With that, Quaritch couldn’t hide his rage anymore.

“Oh, it’s not enough for you to beat me, is it Sully? Now you want to parade me in front of all the blue bastards in town?! You going to tar and feather me before you chop my head off?!”

“You are being shown respect by being granted a trial!” Sully hissed, his own rage bubbling. “Respect you don’t deserve, but Eywa grants you anyways!”

“You should have killed me on that ship Sully.” Quaritch spat. “Spared me the humiliation. But I guess you’re more of a maniac than I thought.”

“I would have Quaritch, believe me.” Said Jake, collecting himself as he turned to leave.

As he watched the other man turn, a thought forced its way into the front of Quaritch’s mind.

Spider

He had to know something.

Before he had time to think, he spoke.

“How are the kids, Sully?” He cringed internally as soon as the rushed words left his mouth.

(…)

Jake stopped midway across the hut’s forward half.

Huh?

Was Quaritch trying to goad him over Neteyam? The way he had spoken made the question sound … almost sincere? Why would Quaritch care about any of his kids?

Jake wasn’t going to stand here and ask himself those questions now, though. Not with Quaritch behind him.

“They’re all fine, Quaritch. No thanks to you.”

Jake knew it wasn’t exactly true, but he wasn’t about to discuss his family’s issues with his worst enemy.

He covered the rest of the distance to the door and quickly left.

(…)

Quaritch caught a glimpse of the outside world as he watched Sully leave. It was sunset, there was a beach, a village…

The canvas flap locked him back into the hut’s world.

He lay on his back and let out a long sigh. He had a lot to think about.

Goddamn traitorous asshole. Thinks he’s high and mighty with his “Eywa” and “trials”.

So, he had an expiration date. He didn’t know what this so-called “trial” implied, but it couldn’t be anything good. He had no doubt what judgement he’d get, and he had no doubt what would happen to him after.

13 days to live. No hope of rescue…

Quaritch reminded himself not to focus to much on his prospects. The last thing he wanted was to go crazy and be led to his death as a lunatic.

The rest of the conversation…

He cringed again over his stupid final question. He’d sounded like he’d lost the plot. What the hell was he thinking?

Maybe he’s going crazy already.

At least he knew Spider wasn’t locked up like him, he assumed Sully would have let him know if he was. Quaritch knew Spider though, and very much doubted he was “fine”. He’d seen Spider when he was “fine” before. On the Sea Dragon during the village raids. In the jungle. It wasn’t good. He felt the urge to talk with Spider, as if he wasn’t so close yet so far.

As he turned his attention to the food Sully had left, he wished more than before ever he could see Spider again, even for just a moment.

Things are certainly not fine for anyone in this story at the moment ☹️. 

I’m overjoyed at the response this has gotten so far. I’m not a huge writer by any means, so this truly means so much to me! 🥺 Thank you to everyone who has read!

[twistedyapping]

my experience with health n wellness n stuff

so i started adding weights alongside my cardio, changing my cardio routine just slightly, and changing my diet a tad like 3 months ago or so now-

i didnt do it to lose weight or anything, i did it to build muscle and also hopefully stop fighting god on the shitter- i basically just started doing it to do it bc like. Why not.

and real shit ever since i started really bryan johnsoning and david gogginsing life my whole everything has absolutely skyrocketed-

n im not gonna be one of those ppl that's like "LIFT OR DIE!!!!! EXERCISE OR U SUCK!!!!" Bc like if u have a solid reason why u cant, dw abt it- but in my experience since i changed all this stuff, my self esteem and confidence (and even 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 vibes) and Everything has just absolutely skyrocketed for the better-

Like i was someone who got winded bringing the groceries in the house (And i could hold like 4 light bags max), and if i like squatted down to the floor for any reason, it was a Full Body exercise to get myself back up to stand.

now i can literally get up and down using Only My Legs which is how it should be!!! And the other day i carried HALF the grocery load in the house and wasn't even winded!!!!!! Like that little shit is just so fucking worth it bro it makes u feel so much better abt literally everything in life

and i have visible muscle now!!! Im not a twig like i can actually do shit!!! And after being known as the skinny as a rail twig with no muscle for like my whole life, you have no clue how great being able to overhead press 21.5lbs Multiple Times feels for me- And like that's probably not a whole lot of weight for a lot of ppl, but mannnn i started with 16lbs and was DYING.

i can also fucking glute bridge 60lbs Like that's CRAZY to me and ya ya the hips r the powerhouse of the cell But i started with 54.5lbs. That is also insane to me.

the thing is like i literally never knew my own strength, like the small amount i already had, and i also never knew how to Increase it until now- And now i just feel more in tune with my body and even my mind like- idk everything is just Good and Better.

ya i got some days where i dont rly feel like eating bryan johnson food like quinoa n shit But other days i literally get hyped for it. and i measure my food n shit like-

and i was allergic to the idea of measuring my food n stuff at first- i genuinely hated the idea because i didnt want to find out i was getting like 0 nutrients per day i was PETRIFIED bc i was always told i eat like an ipad kid-

well turns out i actually Do get a lot of nutrients every day and even more now- and i dont measure my food to hit a specific amount of calories, i just measure it to know what im getting out of it- im not counting strands of spaghetti tryna make sure it's EXACTLY 116 grams, but hitting that double serving 232g dead on is satisfying ngl- Or cutting exactly 1oz of cheese- Like it's just fun 4 me idk

and i understand it's not fun for some ppl and that's 100% okay, i am not here to preach the fitness gospel, im just here to share my experience bc i enjoy yapping abt things

im not going the full mile like perfect everything, measuring every single thing on my body like bryan johnson (no shade, he's a well beloved name in our house bc it's funny to call quinoa n stuff bryan johnson food 😭😭), but i am just kinda chillin and like really starting to take my health and nutrients and exercise more seriously without being afraid of it like i used to be and it's in turn helping my mental health too which is why i do it-

i do everything i can to make my mind better bro call me david goggins the way im up in those brain cabinets clearin shit out all the time- But ya like. Idk shit's just Better.

so if this somehow inspired u to also go down the fitness path either by just starting out or going further down it than u already were- sick 🫡 Bc that wasn't my intention so that'd be a cool consequence of my actions 🫡

Anyway ya that's abt it. see ya

- 🌙 -

[aromanticgarbage]

I think whats good about the story is not that i enjoy the idea of his suffering but it answers the morbid curiosity that I have about what it's like to have a seizure. I don't know if it's accurate but It let's me feel like I know more about his condition, you know what I mean

I don't enjoy the idea of his suffering either. What i do enjoy is reading it -> suffering -> i enjoy the idea of my suffering. Admittedly if u hadn't come into my ask box asking about my opinion on this fic i wouldn't have mentioned it publicly ever because it is a bit of a grey area morally so to speak. Like this is a real life person's medical condition. It's a delicate subject. Nonetheless, the fic itself has plenty of comments by several epileptics who found comfort in seeing an artist they love get support for a condition they themselves suffer from in an imaginary setting and they say that it's an accurate description of what its like. Personally i have never had to deal with anything of the sort but I don't have to see myself in someone to sympathize with their struggles. I love joj a little too much. I love his ff era and the friendships he maintained during this time. Its morbid curiosity yeah but i can't help but wonder how the cc would react to a medical emergency like this. Its a realistic scenario, epileptics have seizures all of the time in front of family and friends and its traumatizing for everyone involved. I found the story comforting. Joji has always had friends who care about him greatly. I love angst, i love whump, i love hurt-comfort. Always have. The fact that we are talking about rpf makes the situation a bit more complicated sure, but at the end of the day its just a fanfic someone wrote on their bedroom seven years ago. I love it. I am not going to apologize for it. Amen.

On another note.

There is a scene in the francis of the filth book where joji himself describes negi generation 4 having a seizure. The character in this scene is having some sort of vision brought on by chin chin himself (this is literally the ff book its all absurdity) but there is truth to it. I just thought it was interesting.

Ive personally done a lot of research on epilepsy and seizures in the past few months. Why? Half morbid / half genuine curiosity. Maybe i just have too much free time. There are a lot of resources out there that are easily available if you are truly curious about how this works (i recommend the epilepsy foundation as a starting point). Also its important to remember that this doesn't just affect that one guy whose music you and i like. It affects a lot of people every day and a lot of this information could save someone's life in a moment of need. First aid is important to know. Even if u learnt it from joji rpf.

[de4dlyniightshade]

heyy :) erm im gonna fangirl really quick and then the request will be at the end incase you wanna skip to that part or anything, lol. okay so this is very much unnecessary and unasked for and blah blah but i don't care! i believe writers need to hear how much we appreciate them and their works because whew mama! ive been trying to write fics for like months and it actually is so horrible. i genuinely start to angrily vibrate bc my thoughts don't flow on the notes app. but i just wanted to say, nightshade, (ehehe that's so cheeky and silly for some reason) that i reallyyy love your work. its actually like horrific how much your writing just makes me so 😜😊🤭 i know you're not like a celebrity or anything, so it's gonna be weird with this like mini parasocial relationship thing, but please know your work has an impact !! a few months ago, i did something extremely bad and out of character while i was spiraling, and i decided that the best decision for me would be to quit using social media. (and beforehand i had quit using tiktok for like 7 months already and i wasn't that addicted to my phone but i still was consuming negative media) so, ofc, i stopped completely for a good month or so and only ever using youtube every now and then. buttttt, one of the first social media platforms i came back to first... was tumblr! it's actually so silly too because i only used tumblr like 4 times beforehand so i was quite new. but anyway anyway (im a yapper UGH) i really found that your posts had made me feel happy :) idk they kinda reminded me of myself before i went big bad that one time and it made me inspired to go back to how i used to be... u get me?? you're writing literally haunts my brain oh my lord it should be illegal to read your stuff because afterwards i literally have this crazy ass urge to read more and more and more. im lowkey an addict cause i be having my deadlynightshade withdrawals. the way you write is just so 😫 gosh, it's beautiful. i also love ur sillyness because like ME TOO. your random little posts are so me coded and i love it. YOU'RE SO FUNNY 😭 uhmm i just wanted to say thanks for being super cool and talented because believe it or not, the stuff you put out makes me really happy! (that was so melodramatic like mf they write about spencer being a pathetic pussy drunk bitch why are you saying it changed ur life?? its true tho.) erm yeah that's the end of that part i just again wanted to thank you 🙏 i wish we were friends SO BAD like you're actually awesome what the fuck.... but like how do u even become friends w ppl?? LMAO ERM ANYWAY 😍 can you write a blurb or h.c or something (honestly anything will make me happy) about valentine's day?? 🤭 basically spencer being SO FUCKING SHY because you can't stop touching his hands or hair subtly or like kissing his cheek leaving marks from lipstick or like getting him his favorite snacks/drinks/books/textures/ basically a gift that made u think about him?? ugh or him doing the same with you like him being the best fucking nerd boy ever and spoiling you so much like he goes ape shit spending well over his funds limit but it's worth it because it's you? or like sweet soft cutie pie sex? at the end of the day and he's like... Erm.. Pussy for 1 please! you were so pretty today... You always are-! (I'm mentally ill and writing this at 8:37 pm on a thursday night.)

this is. the sweetest shit anyone has ever said to me i actually cried ngl to you.

i'm genuinely so thankful for the little community i have created here i never expected such an insane amount of positivity and love from people just for the whack ass shit i write but that's probably just my perpetual self hatred and disbelief that people enjoy anything about me🤞

i think it's crazy how people on the internet who have never met me, don't know me, what i look like, or anything can treat me better than any of my friends have and i'll always be thankful for that.

ALSO! i love being called funny pls kiss me i never think i'm actually funny istg

i was also planning on writing a valentines fic ALREADY but this made me wanna write it even more as a thank you for this message it genuinely made my week(can't promise it ON TIME for valentines but i can try!)

i'm also so glad that my work and blog makes you happy, there's no privilege greater than making someone smile even when they don't feel like it</3

[autisticempathydaemon]

I've never done something like this but wanted to give it a go!

-Fixated on Live Cinema by Ellie Williams. The last section of the song starting at "Oh the time stops / I look at you" to the end hits me hard, but especially the last few lines. "I've seen movies / I've watched cartoons / But / We've got an alternate ending"

-Enneagram Type 2

-I am quite the fan, yes~! I really loved Izzyzzz's Dark Pokémon Iceberg videos. I'm still a Pokémon novice so getting all this niche lore was fascinating

-I didn't have one </3

-Either ASMR Roleplay playing or simply thinking about my characters until I pass out /lh

-The full version of my chosen name stems from a character I related to prior to realizing I was autistic. I didn't understand that that was why I was connecting to him, but the character was what I needed at the time. The nickname from it is short and sweet and it's also fun watching people try to guess what it's short for

-Honestly, what I consider the three "Huxley/Damien" videos. The confession, them telling the rest of the DAMN squad, and the solstice video. They're easily one of my favorite pairings and seeing their relationship is just something that fucks me up every time /pos

-I hate to say it but I think I gotta go with Marcus. No shade but at most, I appreciate his contribution to Project Meridian's plot but nothing more </3 /lh

-Probably The Truman Show. Random as fuck, I know, but I watched it religiously for like a month to fall asleep a few years ago. (Or for something a little more recent, maybe Don't Hug Me I'm Scared?)

-Camelopardalis!

-Either my own characters or Redacted 95% of the time. The other 5% is stream of consciousness bullshiting /lh

-Gummy worms, chili cheese Fritos, and a fruit flavored soda of some kind

-Either my Romantic Mix or Moody Mix made by Spotify

-Probably Homestuck or Beastars. I'm not really embarrassed of either at this point because of how much I enjoy them, but people tend to react weird when I tell them I'm a genuine fan so /lh

-Uuuuuuuh my love language is quality time, I've attempted to learn 17 languages with varying degress of success, and Achilles Come Down is my favorite song of all time

I'm really interested in who you'll pair me with because I've got a few top picks! (Also love the energy you bring to this fandom <3 /pos)

Everything about you kind of screams Romantic™️. It’s not just the playlists you listen to but also being a Quality Time kind of person and being a Type 2. It also screams Perfect for David™️.

First things first, we love A4A (Autistic 4 Autistic), and the headcanon that David is autistic means the world to me. Parallel play with him would be fantastic- peace, calm, and David shifted because I can’t imagine there’s a better weighted blanket in the world than a werewolf.

I also think David would be the perfect person to infodump to (if you do that). He’d be a grump at first, like, “who the fuck is Red Guy, and why do we care so much about his fuckin dad”, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t watch every episode and every theory video with you. He hums “The Creativity Song” while doing chores because you legitimately got it in his head and because he likes the way you light up when he engages with your interests.

Song:

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times/ It's you, it's you, you make me sing/ You're every line, you're every word, you're everything

This song is cheesy and sappy as all get out, and David has held you in the kitchen and danced as it played. (You have it on video, and David has sworn to make rue the day you ever share it /lh)

Runner-Ups:

So I also really liked Sam and Avior for you for different, respective reasons. I think Sam is a big romantic; like David, he just hides it. I get this curious, thoughtful vibe from you that I think Avior would really get along with. In the end, the autism won, and that’s how we celebrate autism acceptance month /pos

Note: I can’t wait to watch a dark Pokémon lore video I love icebergs explained! Jokes on all of you this was a long convoluted way to get video essay recs /j

Want a match-up of your own? Read this post, and tell me about yourself! 💌

[cutetinyartist]

G/T July Day 1: Enchanted

Here's my first bit of writing for G/T July 2023! I've been really enjoying working with the prompts so far @gianttol ! 🖤

Synopsis: A Borrower has been using an Enchantment to grow to Human Size to see how Humans live. However, things got complicated when she accidentally started falling in love with a Human she met...

She's usually very careful about using the spell and visiting her crush, but one night it wears off sooner than she expects and exposes her secret!

Characters:

Sunflower (She/Her), 5' as a Human, 4" as a Borrower

Katrina (She/Her), 6' Human

Word-Count: 743

"Sunflower? Is something wrong?"

"YES! I mean no!! I just need to- um-" She babbled in an incoherent panic, stumbling towards the bedroom door (forgetting that Katrina had locked it earlier so the two could have some privacy...)

It wouldn't have mattered either way though; she fell to her knees before she could even touch the handle. Erratic breaths and a racing heartbeat engulfed her- was this REALLY how her secret was going to emerge? Had she seriously been so enamoured that she'd forgotten the spell would simply wear off?? What the hell was Katrina going to think???

The Enchantment leaving her body as she shrunk back to her normal size was always dizzying enough, but this time it was especially unbearable! The abrupt reduction from 5'... to 4'... to 1'... back to her real height of 4"...

"Holy shit- Are you okay??" A gentle yet booming voice suddenly came from high above her, instantly snapping her out of her daze. Sunflower hadn't even realised that her love had followed her and crouched beside her until she spun to face the now-giant (well, Giant to her at least...) At 6' she had towered over her before, but now (even kneeling down) she loomed effortlessly.

"What happened? Are you okay?" She asked again, reaching towards the shrunken Sunflower.

"I- I'm fine! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to- I didn't want to- I'm-" She backpedaled away from the giant hand, "I never should've done this- I'm sorry-"

"Woah, Sunny, why are you apologising? What's going on? Please, I just wanna make sure you're okay..." She choked back a tear at the sight of the girl she loved so much being so afraid of her.

The Borrower took a deep shaky breath before stepping back and craning her neck to look up into Katrina's dark, soulful eyes. Eyes that were staring down at her with so much concern, but also with the same love as always.

Through tears and deep breaths, Sunflower began explaining everything. Katrina sat in a stunned silence as Sunflower talked about the powerful Enchantment that allowed her to be human-sized (albeit only for a brief period each month). It was her main escape from her normal, fairly perilous life as a Borrower, and her heart was racing as she opened up about all of it. Though Katrina's facial expression shifted a few times, the love in her eyes stayed consistent.

"So, that's everything..." Sunflower gulped anxiously, "I completely get it if you- if you don't wanna see me any more..."

"Oh, Sunny!" Katrina gasped, lifting the Borrower's chin with the tip of her index finger, "Nothing in this world could stop me from wanting to be with you!" As gently as she could, she scooped her tiny lover into her palm. Fingers that only hours ago had traced up and down every inch of Sunflower's body now surrounded her like tree-trunks, but the embrace still sent electricity through both her and Katrina. The Borrower had already been blushing anyway, but the warmth radiating from her giant lover's soft skin only served to emphasise that further.

Now, raised to Katrina's eye-level, Sunflower could truly see the pure adoration in those soulful brown eyes. Soft caramel hair framed her features, all of which the Borrower admired even more at this scale. Her heart simply melted when she glanced down at shimmering lips and saw the genuine smile painted on them. Nobody had ever made her feel so safe and so loved, especially not with how vulnerable she usually felt at her true size.

"Just when I thought you couldn't get any cuter, you just had to go and be all tiny and adorable!" Katrina giggled lightly, delicately stroking Sunflower's back with her fingertip, "I love you so much."

The Borrower let out a flustered squeak, "You do? You mean it? Even- even like this?"

With an eager nod Katrina replied, "Even more, if that's even possible! I just love you no matter what! I only wish you'd told me sooner, you didn't need to hide your true self from me, y'know?"

Sunflower sighed, though it was one of reief as well as sadness, "I'm sorry, I just got worried. I never thought I'd get this close with anyone, let ALONE fall in love with them!"

"Well," Katrina smirked, raising her Tiny Soulmate closer to her plush lips before giving her a tender smooch, "How could I NOT fall in love with someone so Enchanting?"

[purplesurveys]

1654

What is one change you need to make in your life this month? A month? That’s super short-term...erm, maybe trying to figure out a new position when I sleep? I’ve been waking up with very sore shoulders and numb arms lately. What was one good thing about today? My mom finally started using what was my Christmas gift to her – a portable, foldable bathtub hahaha. She always said she’d set it up once the climate gets warmer, and now that summer’s started she stuck to her word and used it for the first time today.

What’s been tugging on your heart lately? The whole sticky situation of mine and my friends’ fate regarding Yoongi’s concert. It’s too complicated to explain in full, but basically a major part of it is that Angela was lucky enough – and was the only one in our group of 4 – to secure 1 ticket (Reena didn’t get one from the ticketing website but quickly got to snatch one from a seller, so she’s covered), and she said she’s willing to turn it over to me while she and Hans can just go around Bangkok on the day of the concert. It’s a very conflicting situation on my end because as much as she says that she picked me and genuinely wants me to go, she is also my best friend in the world and I don’t want to enjoy the show knowing that I got in with a ticket she got, in a show she should be enjoying.

I’m super 50-50 about it right now because I’m heavily leaning towards just selling the ticket so neither of us go, but anyway that’s the reason why we’re still trying to chase extra tickets from people selling theirs – we want to be complete, and we want all of us 4 to get to watch the show. We’re starting to get offers from people willing to sell their extras, so we’ll just have to see where this takes us.

Are you comfortable with who you are? Have you accepted who you are? I’m at least more at peace with myself than I was, say, three years ago. I’d say that’s as good as it would get. There’ll always be things to work on and I don’t think I’ll ever get to say I ‘accept’ myself fully.

All the money you ever need or someone to spend the rest of your life with? Money; I don’t need a lifelong partner. Decided on that a long time ago.

What is the last thing you did that made you feel guilty? THE YOONGI THING UGH. I feel both guilty and bad about it. Of fucking course I want to see Yoongi, but I don’t want it to come from a place where my friend would have to give up her ticket for me. Worst case scenario none of us go and of course, honestly speaking, that would be a huge bummer.

Would you have sex with the last person you texted? Can’t remember the last person I texted but probably not.

What was the last thing you received in the mail? Just bills for electricity and water.

Who did you last creep on? Like...stalk? Just influencer profiles I had to review to see if they’d be a good fit for one of the campaigns I’m working on.

What country would you most like to visit in the future? I’d love just to go back to Korea. One day in Jeju is too short a time to be there.

At your workplace, are you required to wear a uniform? Nah, just a dress code.

Who is the last person that gave you butterflies? I had this minor crush on a girl I had to work with for an ad/commercial shoot. She was like production manager or something like that and anyway she fit what would typically be my type...but then that all ended when our most recent shoot ended up a disaster and we had to go like...9 hours overtime. It was a very stressful situation at work and I’d rather not get into detail but anyway that marked the end of any butterflies I had for her lmao.

Do you consider weed, marijuana, pot, etc. a drug? Well, yeah.

Are you planning on kissing anyone tomorrow evening? Nope. Do you require a lot of private time? Um, not really. I like being around people, and having weekends to myself usually suffices as me-time already.

Have you ever done something humiliating while drunk? Yep.

Have you ever told a guy you were a lesbian to get him to leave you alone? Kind of? What I did before was stick closer to my partner at the time and wait for them to get the hint.

If you have a favorite television show, who’s your favorite character? Gus Fring.

-- a lil two-in-one again for this round --

Hi, Your name is? Robyn.

What was the last thing you ate? Aligue pasta.

Do you hold the singstar microphone with your right or left hand? The...what?

What’s the best part about flying? The views at the start and end. The flights themselves can get so boring, but I still gun for the window seat as much as possible as views of the city always get me in the feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeels.

Who did you last have a deep and meaningful conversation with? Andi. I talked to them about my struggles with enjoying wrestling these days, and how I was starting to come to terms with the fact that I can’t actually digest technical wrestling and mostly watch shows for their entertainment/storyline value. Very WWE way of doing things – which is why I’ve always struggled to get into other promotions. It prompted Andi to open up and they got into this whole spiel of what technical wrestling is really all about, and taught me some mental notes to take note of the next time I watch wrestling so I can get into the in-ring chemistry more. They gave me some sample matches to watch too, just so I can understand better what they meant with their tips. Really loved that conversation. 

Any vacations planned? Yeah I’ve now got two in June. Bangkok with friends, and then Kuala Lumpur with family that same week. The latter has me going CRAZY because my mom booked it to be the same week I’m flying back to Manila from Bangkok :((((( So basically, I arrive in Manila from Bangkok on a Tuesday morning; then Friday evening I’ll be on a plane again en route to KL. It’ll be such a hectic couple of weeks for me lol.

Who were you last in a car with? Mom and siblings.

Do you play any sports? Table tennis.

Which friend have you known the longest? Angela and I have been friends for 18 years.

Do you drink the recommended 6-8 glasses of water per day? No. I drink a lot of water in a day, but not up to 8 glasses.

How many times have you been to Wet'n'Wild? What’s that?

Did you ever watch Sailor Moon? No, not into anime.

Chocolate or Vanilla ice cream? Honestly neither since I find chocolate to be too strong a flavor and vanilla too bland; but if I didn’t have a choice I might just go with chocolate.

Do you have a facebook? Yes.

Favourite shop? Ncat, hahahahaha.

What was the last thing you brought on ebay? I’ve never bought anything from eBay.

Did you know that Deli Lama is actually a person and not a Llama? Deli Lama??????????

Do you think Merryl Streep can actually sing in Mamma Mia? Idk I’ve never seen that movie and am not interested.

What gym do you have a membership to? None.

What do you want for Christmas? Damn, I have to pick this early? Hahaha at this point, if anyone asked me I’d probably just ask for Yoongi tickets.

Do you think hiptops should be called “shit tops”? I have no idea what this question is talking about.

If you had to get glasses would you wear contacts? I can’t stand anything being put near or in my eyes, so no. I’ll always prefer glasses.

Are Mac’s really better than PC’s? I’m sure both have their strengths but having experienced both, I prefer Macs. My old HP laptop lagged all the time and was a hub for viruses and it was all generally just very stressful for me lol.

Favourite drink? Just cold water.

Have you ever been to the snow? No, I’ve never seen snow.

New Year’s Plans? No clue, it’s too early to plan for that.

Would you agree that Sex and The City is the best show ever? I’ve never seen it but I’m pretty confident there are tons of better shows.

Do you call your friends with red hair “ranga’s”? No?

Should Paris Hilton consider running for president? No.

If you were to go to prison for one thing, what would it be? Idk man. Maybe disrespecting police because ACAB and because I realistically would have no problem doing that when push comes to shove, and especially if I feel disrespected first.

[nicegaai]

Ch 8: 

I get so nervous every time I start — did I ever tell y’all I got a killer migraine after I started this reread and it lasted like 4 days? there’s no need for that level of stress but here I am all tensed up again. whateverrrrrr. exposure therapy. 

(Paragraph like 3) YUUUUP I already want to go in and tweak the dialogue. this is not quite it. Im itchy im itching to do it but I won’t yet. editing is a trap that will stop me from moving forward…

WHAT. Holy fucking jjjjhjjjhh you would not believe the sitcom level of reaction I just had to realizing I left in actual genuine Editors Notes. This is my worst offense by far this is the worst thing thats ever happened to me in my whole life (lie) I can’t go on  … Im gonna take a break

(2 and a half months later)

Hiiiiiii…where did I leave off… jk im starting over

Chapter 8 the final published chapter huhhh! I don’t remember what kind of cliffhanger I left u guys on but im looking forward to finding out

Wowow I like the beginning dialogue again!!! this is cute and I love them I love dennor when im doing it the way I like them!!!!!!!!!! Thank god im back on my meds ive been so neurotic over little things for like years and for what… I luv my story, I don’t need 2 be afraid…

Llmaoooooo im genuinely enjoying this reread how is that possible!!! This is fun im having fun!

Wtffff Im feeling like a genius for coming up with this and not like I need to kms for once. Brand new emotions for me. Chat did you know life can be beautiful?

LSKDAJKLSLDK I FOUND AN AUTHORS NOTE IS THIS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT 2.5 MONTHS AGO? That I almost cried over? I laughed at my own bad joke but it is NOT that serious … I do want to take it out later. but girllll

I wonder if stabilizing emotionally will ruin the quality of my writing x_x oh well!

I DON THAVE A LOT OF COMMENTARY THIS CHAPTER BCZ I DONT REMEMBER WRITING MOST OF THIS TBH AND IM GETTING SUCKED IN  BY THE PLOT WTF WTF. Again this is a new experience for me ive been so miserable rereading this up til now

Went “NOOOOOOOOOO” out loud when I realized I established a specific timeline. Its already June 15th???????? Fuck me man I was gonna space this out more than that . it was supposed to be like June 3rd at best, in my head …

Changed my mind—The quality of writing is guaranteed to go up if im not dry heaving at the thought of rereading my own drafts. It’s going to be FINE !!!!!!!! Its going to get better!! I may even be able to respond to all the nice comments soon … Ive been scared of ao3 comments I can’t explain why I don’t know myself

UGH THE WRITING IS GETTING CHOPPYYY this could have been avoided surely but it is too late now. I can sense I struggled with beginning the scene and wrote very Point A To Point B just to skip around to the parts I wanted to write. I mean it functions.. but not well.  Ick

Okay... more author’s notes. I messed up stylistically when I decided to leave in so many parentheses bc then I lost the authors notes in the mix. Nasty. Ech. Im annoyed

OH. THAT REALLY WAS A CLIFHFANGER HUH. NO WONDER PPL KEEP ASKING IF IM COMING BACK. OH H H H. IM SO SORRY I SHOULD BE JAILED FOR THIS X_______X

I HAVE THE NEXT SEVERAL CHAPTERS PLOTTED OUT MORE OR LESS AND THE REST OF THE STORY'S EVENTS ARE ON PAPER I PROMIS E I AM TRYING I WILL NEVER GIVE UP

kind of insane ive left u guys off on that for like 6 months. bc ive been obsessed with the events of the next few chapters just like turning them over in my head,.. . and no one has even seen them yet. this needs to be fixed

im attempting my fic reread today. im announcing this bc i will be liveblogging to keep my morale up, NOT THAT anyone cares but i personally need this, like ill only commit to do the thing if theres an imaginary audience holding me accountable. & i like to have fun :3

anyway. captains log, its a beautiful sunny july weekend. i just finished my morning coffee, and, i am dreading this so much. i dont like rereading my own writing but i shall get over it. ok here we go.

Þetta Reddast vagueblogged directors commentary edition

Ch 1:

*opens fic and starts convulsing immediately* god i wish i smoked weed rn. i cannot chill out ever for the life of me

My Mission For Today Is: to remember what plot threads I’ve left hanging so I can resolve this story properly. And also try n remember where the flow is going. I have the end plotted out, I just am a little lost … it’s been a while :-(

------------

Abrupt beginning!!!! I’m not mad because I have . I HAD. Almost no writing experience when I started this. it isn’t ideal but I refuse to be one of those fanfic writers that starts rewriting early chapters without finishing the last ones. Ive never seen one of those types actually finish a longfic. …I’d already rather yap than actually read LMAO AHH

Oh this is worse than I remember. thats cool that s great ok alright *coughs up blood*

"20 somethings" WOW I really did not know where I was going with this when I started huh

LKJSDLKSJDLGKGDJSLDGJK ??? Who authorized this. Who let me cook. What the hell

I could write this better now. I could edit this into something beautiful. <- devil on my shoulder

FORGOT I WAS MAKING RICE BRB

"generously offered nothing to the exchange." wait STOPPPP. I’m so funny

GRAMMAR ERROR DETECTED why is there two periods. I’ll be coming back to fix that …………………. :-(((

Fuck. This is a lot. Marge Simpson Hiding Her Face dot Png

Oh this is stupid this is gayyy this is fukcinnn . Who fucking did t his. What was wrong with me,. This is so good actually. what was i ONNNN. 

Im gonna throw up and I don’t know if thats like/. A complimentary thing or if im just cringing that hard . Im feeling emotions. I love my OTPs..OT3~5? I love them so so much

Ok as much as im like “eww bad writing” this is .. dare I say, rly good in places. Not to suck my own dick but maybe all hope isnt lost and imposter syndrome is an illusion

Grammar mistake #2. Goddddddd. they should ban me from the archive for this

EMILLLLL EMIL EMIL EMIL HIIIIII BABYYYY EMILLL I LOVE UUUU AWWHUUGHH everyone clap for my bewoved baby bruvver right FUCKING now

Urghhh gritting my teeth… Im fully expecting the flow of events to start not making any gd sense. There’s no way this came together the way I hoped in my head and .... For real I was never able to read this all the way thru. this is my first time, lol. and it was all disjointed on the authorial end to say the least. Im scared T-T

Jlxjvklsdkjfsjlkdkjlsjklkljzsdkjlgaskljdgjklasljkgdljkasljkdgjklasjlkdgljkaskljdgjakl?????????? 

Im not liking the ratio of dialogue to whatever the other stuff is. scene-setting I guess. prose maybe. i could have dragged this out way longer... By which I mean made it a more satisfying read. But WHATEVER !!!! 

TIMO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TIMOOOOOOOOOO NUMERO UNOOOO DO MUNDOOOOOO I really need to utilize him more. As soon as I finish this fic I need to write a Timo POV spinoff where he gets cancelled on furry twitter for proshipping in real life

Hmmmm chapter ending didn’t hit as hard in practice as it did in drafts. Oh well. God damn that was a lot to happen in one chapter LMAOO???

OH SHIT MY RICE IS STILL COOKING —— 

[inktae]

it's been so long, but i used to talk to you as an anon called "titania". anyway, something randomly made me think of you and how much i used to enjoy your stories (i'm probably rereading some of them soon) and i just wanna say that i hope you're happy. :)

Hello there!!! 

Soooo, yeah…. probably very surprising I’m showing up around here what, 3-4 years later!? Whoops 😅 really sorry about that guys.

But I don’t know… recently I’ve been thinking a lot of tumblr, and all the good memories I have from this place. Something just compelled me to come here today, and seeing all of the recent messages (yours included, Titania ❤️) of people that still remember me, after all this time, warms my heart and makes me tear up. It’s honestly amazing that the impact my stories had all those years ago is still present and fresh to some people. It makes me feel genuinely happy!! 

I thought I owed you guys a quick update on my life and how I’ve been doing, and hey, if you also want to chat and/or just send me a message, it’s absolutely welcome :) 

So… where to start!? A lot has changed since I was active in here, it’s been so long (can’t believe I’m almost 30 years old :D). I remember the years I was a BTS fanfic writer as a turbulent time in my past, which I don’t think I ever truly showed on here. Writing was an escape, and writing angst was my way of dealing with emotions I didn’t know how to manage (now I do, yay therapy). It’s probably the reason why I was so good at it — all of that sadness was inside myself and it was the only way I could let it out.

I don’t write anymore, haven’t had for a while (probably a couple years), but it’s something I want to go back to eventually. I suppose it’s hard to find motivation when it’s not an escape anymore, and it was more of a tool I needed to survive back then. Now that life is much better, it’s hard to find a reason to sit down and write for hours, getting lost in fantasy worlds. But hopefully I’ll find it sooner or later — it’s definitely a skill I don’t want to abandon. Just need to get into a new kind of mindset, I guess :)

So, as for life updates… like I said, a lot has changed! I believe I was still living with my parents when I was last active here (2018). A few months after that I moved out, became independent, and quickly realized how toxic my family life was. I obtained a new kind of freedom and learnt more about myself than I ever had in the past. Leaving my parents and lowering contact with them definitely changed me for the better, which I believe is why I stopped needing to write so much. 

I lived with three roommates for a while, which wasn’t smooth sailing... I didn’t connect with them in any way, and I was still learning how to live on my own, which came with its own problems and unfortunately provoked lots of fights amongst us ^^’ so that was definitely a learning period heh. I left after a year to live with another friend, which went WAY better, and then, as life would have it, I met a very cute, incredible boy who is still my partner to this day and the most important person in my life. 

We have been living together for a year and even have a dog together! a very stubborn, very rebellious but absolutely gorgeous 1 year old pup :)) honestly it’s an amazing relationship, it’s not perfect and we’ve obviously had some rocky moments, but we have healthy communication and we understand each other like no one else does. Sometimes I still have to pinch myself, because I never thought I would ever meet someone like him, someone I could connect with so deeply. We have been together for almost 2 years, and still going very strong. It's a very stable and solid relationship, we're both into therapy and communicating every issue (though I have to say he's way more emotionally mature than I am haha) which is amazing.

I’m also into spiritualism these days and spend quite a lot of time getting to know myself, learning about breaking down social constructs and inner beliefs, meditation and practicing mindfulness. It’s something I’m excited to continue exploring and it has led me to want a quieter life for myself in the future. Bf and I are actually making plans for the longterm to move far away from the city center, so we can live closer to nature and feel more connected to the earth (sounds like hippie stuff but I promise it's not lol).

To give you one last anecdote (a not so happy one) I did get covid twice and it was absolute HELL for me, even developed pneumonia which was no fun and quite scary. I hope none of you guys had to go through this and if you got covid (statistically speaking, chances are most of you did) I hope it wasn't as destructive as it was for me.

I think that's it! the important stuff, at least. Honestly, if you told me 4 years ago this was going to be my life I would have laughed in your face. I’ve come a long way (mostly thanks to therapy!!) and I have so many exciting plans for the future that I can’t wait for. :’)

So.. even though coming back here and being active as a tumblr writing is not in my plans anymore, I do remember this blog with so much fondness. It definitely saved me and protected me back then, it helped me feel less alone and played an important part in growing my confidence, mostly thanks to readers and followers like you, who cheered me on and believed in me even if you didn’t know me personally. You guys really have no idea how much you helped me.

I will read over the messages you guys have been leaving me these last few years, and like I said, if you want to chat and leave me a message you’re welcome to do so. I’m not writing fanfics anymore but I’d still be very happy to hear from you all.

If you read all of this, thank you ❤️ I wish you all well and I hope you’re all doing amazing!!

Mari

[cyncerity]

Does Shlatt ever feel guilty about almost killing his son when he first saw him? Does he ever get nightmares about what would have happened if Tubbo hadn’t started audibly crying?

This has been sitting in my inbox for months, i’ve been thinking about it a lot. I don’t know who you are but what you’re about to read is your fault /lh (fr tho i genuinely enjoyed writing it so thank you for the ask hskskskshs)

Anyway i wanted to flex my angst muscles so take literally the darkest thing i have ever written. And just so you know, there is a part two if anyone wants it because the ending of this is dark, and the epilogue thingy makes it less dark. However that’s not included in this post because i want you all to suffer :)

Tws (don’t take these ones lightly): MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH, descriptive gore, alcoholism, mentioned drug use, vomiting mention, brief descriptions of blood

it’s shorter than i usually write but don’t be fooled

The nightmares come somewhat often. They’re always the same, and only for a few hours. Every time Schlatt wakes up after one of them, it’s only been 3 or 4 hours since he went to sleep. But, god, does it feel like a whole lifetime in the dream. A life he could have made for himself, one he hated that he could have had. One thing he had almost done.

Blood on his shoe; that’s how it always started. Never at the beginning, the true beginning, where he first found the little boy, or heard his crying. He knew the crying too well in his actual life; he had heard it every day for many months after he met his son, before he learned to speak and became fully verbal. No, the dream didn’t feel the need to remind him of that sound, it only started with the sickly crunch as his boot finished flattening itself to the floor, bones splitting and blood splattering underneath it across the dirty apartment floor as the innocent life of the child he would grow to love more than anything else in the world was stomped out before it could ever really begin.

The dream was somewhat split here in a way that didn’t make sense, as dreams often don’t; Schlatt felt like his brain, his heart, whatever you could call it, was split in two. In one part, he felt as he did in that moment so many years ago before he had chosen to take in the child; a mild annoyance that this creature even dare exist. The other half of him was the real, current him. The him that felt like an unwilling passenger in a memory that was twisted. He felt like he was experiencing everything first person, like he was doing it himself but had no control. This was the part he could always tell was kind of a dream, since he was still lucid enough to feel like himself, even if he couldn’t reason enough to realize he was asleep. And as himself, he felt sick. Angry. He wanted to puke. He wanted nothing more than to strangle himself, to kill the him that would kill his son, to drop to the ground and just stare at the remains of his child and sob until his eye ran dry and his throat bled. But he couldn’t, not in the dream, because the worse him, the him that he could have been if things were shifted slightly to the left, still had control. He couldn’t stand to hear the life be drained from his son, couldn’t stand to be reminded of how ignorant he’d been when they met, but he couldnt stop it, either. He hated it, he hated it so much.

The worse him carried on, like he always did on the nightmare nights. He cleaned up the bloodied and mangled remains of what was once just a frightened and innocent child and continued on with his day. The rest of the day went as it always did, which infuriated the real Schlatt more, since he would have had no way of knowing what he’d robbed himself of. But he’d soon learn. Because at this point in the dream, real schlatt disappeared. He no longer felt what he would really feel, only his past self’s emotions, and it made it all so much worse.

Days passed in the dream, going on normally. No thoughts of the little borrower, nothing changing. Nothing changed from how he had lived before…until Quackity broke up with him. Time warped, not like he could tell in the dream, but months passed. Months passed and he saw Quackity less and less often. Months passed and he found new lovers, and they moved in down the hallway. He didn’t want to talk to them. He didn’t want to do much of anything.

He started drinking more. He had always been a heavyweight, but he needed to get drunk. He needed the distraction. He was alone, he was so lonely, he just wanted it to stop. Months passed faster and more often than not he was passing out drunk on the couch instead of sleeping in an actual bed. He picked up smoking again. Not that he didn’t smoke often anyway, but his packs seemed to be disappearing quicker and quicker. Quackity tried to reach out more often, he saw how Schlatt was declining but he became bitter and angry, often lashing out at him in a drunken rage, and there was nothing Q could do to help him. There was nothing anyone could do to help him anymore.

The dream always ended the same way, too. He was on the couch, barely conscious after his god knows how many at this point bottle of whatever he was drinking, having some stupid argument with Quackity. Probably about his health, which Schlatt would laugh at before proceeding to feel something wrong. Something in his chest. Now, Schlatt in real life did not know what a heart attack felt like, but they probably weren’t as painful as the dream made them out to be. Part of him thinks it’s his own subconscious being mad at him for still thinking about that moment so much, even after it had all turned out for the better, but those were his thoughts after he woke up.

In the dream, he laid on the floor, after trying and failing to stumble off the couch, blood staining his dominant hand and arm as the bottle he was holding shattered on the floor and cut open his palm. He tried to scream, to sob in pain, to beg any god that would listen for some kind of mercy, but something wouldn’t let him. He laid in silence. That child he killed never got to scream or plead or beg, why should he? He was starting to lose grasp of the things around him. The panicked, cracking voice of his ex-fiancé above him, a professional sounding voice on a speaker phone updating how long it would be until someone got there, pressure on his chest and air being forced into his lungs. It wasn’t working. He could barely make out Quackity’s face anymore. He could barely feel the tears that fell from his eyes onto his own face. He could barely hear Quackity trying to refrain from sobbing and just trying to keep him awake. It didn’t work. No one came in time.

He died there, every time. He died in his early twenties having drunk himself to death and in the arms of a man who he had once loved but couldn’t even have been bothered to be around for the last few months of his life. He died having accomplished nothing but self pity and loathing. No final words, no final goodbyes. A fitting end for someone like him.

***

He always woke up in a cold sweat, tears pouring out of his eyes. He had never been good at remembering dreams, but this one he remembered every time, always in excruciating, vivid detail. He never knew what to do, so he laid there, hand over his mouth, stifling sobs. Sometimes he would think about it to hard, re-play it all over and over, remind himself of what a monster he could’ve been. That he used to be. Sometimes he couldn’t help but let the wet, sickening crunch fill his ears over and over, let his brain conjure up the sickly scent of iron, make himself sick. Only sometimes did he feel bad enough after waking up that he needed to puke. Tonight was one of those nights.

He spent who knows how long just leaning over the toilet bowl, face pale and dripping with sweat, just trying to stop the vomiting and the nausea that came over him to no avail. His knuckles where clenched white around the porcelain. He knew it could have happened. He knew how close he was to that life. Hell, that’s probably exactly how it would have gone down if he hadn’t met Tubbo. Tubbo was the reason he stopped smoking. Tubbo was the reason he had stopped his unhealthy drinking habits, god knows how addicted he had been back in school. He bettered himself for the sake of his son, his main supporter, the light of his life in more ways than he could ever explain, he wouldn’t have accomplished anything he had recently without him.

Tubbo had saved his life just as much as Schlatt had saved his.

He loved his son more than anything, he hated anything that would have or could hurt him, and with that came the unfortunate truth: there was a part of himself that he hated, that he could never forgive. And there was nothing he could do to change that.

[cyndavilachase]

I’m Looking Forward Now 💖Thank you and good bye

So, it’s been a little over a week since Steven Universe Future ended… 

I’ve been hesitant to write this, honestly, but I’m tired of holding myself back from properly expressing myself in fear of appearing overly invested in the media I consume, even in private. Writing helps me organize my thoughts and feelings, and I feel like these thoughts in particular may resonate with many, so I want to share them. I want to talk about what Steven Universe has done for me personally, both as an artist, and as a person.

I’ve been around since the day the first episode of the original series aired. I actually remember when Steven Universe was just a logo on Wikipedia’s “List of Upcoming Cartoon Network Shows” list, back when I was a freshman in high school. It piqued my interest, but when commercials finally dropped for it, I thought it was going to be bad because of the way marketing handled introducing Steven as a likeable character. There was still something about it that made me want to give it a chance though, so I went online and watched the pilot before the first episode's release. I was hooked immediately. I knew I was going to love it, and I did. I fell so absolutely in love with Steven as a character, and the world that he and the gems lived in. I became obsessed. I was always so excited for new episodes to come out. Little did I know what else it would do for me as I went through my adolescence alongside it.

As the show progressed, it was evident that what I wanted out of a western animated childrens’ cartoon was finally coming into fruition: this show was becoming serialized. There was continuity, there was plot, there was character development-- it was getting deep. It was pushing the groundwork that Adventure Time laid out even further (thank you, Adventure Time).  

I will give credit where credit is due: earlier western childrens’ cartoons I grew up with like Hey Arnold, and Rugrats, among others, also touched on heavy topics, but Steven Universe was able to take similar ideas (and even more complex ones, concerning mental health and relationships) and expand on them outside of contained episodes and/or short arcs. These themes, which were a part of the show’s overarching story, spanned across its entirety. Continuity was rampant. 

What did this mean? It meant kids cartoons didn’t have to be silly and fun all the time and characters weren’t just actors playing a part in 11-minute skits. Steven and the gems would remember things that happened to them, and it affected them and how they would function and play a part in their story. This was a huge deal to me as a teenager. I always wanted the cartoons I grew up with featuring kid characters to feel more. In my own work, I often felt discouraged when combining a fun, cutesy western art style with themes as dark or layered as anime would cover. I always thought it had to be one or the other because an audience wouldn’t take a combination of the two seriously enough, based on discussions I had with classmates, friends, and online analysis I read at the time. Steven Universe proved to me otherwise. This show was opening the door for future cartoons exploring in-depth, adult concepts. I felt so seen as a kid, and was inspired to stick with what I love doing.

I was actually very worried about the show’s survival. It was in fact immensely underrated and the fandom was miniscule. Then in 2014, JailBreak dropped, and it’s popularity exploded. Part of it was because of the complex plot and the themes it was covering like I mentioned, but also because of its representation. 

I remember when fandom theorized that Garnet was a fusion due to grand, tragic reasons. Turns out, she’s simply a metaphor for a very loving w|w relationship. This was huge. I cannot stress how important it is that we continue to normalize healthy canon queer relationships in childens’ media, and Steven Universe finally was the first to do that proper. Introducing these themes offers the chance for a kid to sit there and ask themselves, “Why is this demonized by so many people?” I asked myself exactly that. Ruby and Sapphire were my cartoon LGBT rep. They were the first LGBT couple I ever ecstatically drew fanart of. I was dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia at the time, and they showed me that I was allowed to love women and feel normal about it. The process of overcoming this was a long one, but they played a part in my very first steps into becoming comfortable with my sexuality. I could go on and on about it’s representation in general-- how it breaks the mold when it comes to showcasing a diverse set of characters in design, in casting, and in breaking gender roles. It’s focus on love and empathy. Steven himself is a big boy, but he's the protagonist, and the show never once makes fun of his weight, or any other bigger characters for that matter. It wasn’t hard to see why the fandom had grown so large.

Fandom was always a joy for me. It was a hobby I picked up when I was in middle school, like many of us here did. I would always cater my experience to fun, and fun only. I only started getting more deeply involved in SU’s fandom when I had just turned into an adult. During the summer of 2016, between my first and second year of college, I drew for the show almost every day non-stop when the Summer of Steven event was going on and posted them online. This was a form of practice for me in order to become not just more comfortable with experimenting with my art, but also to meet new artists, make new friends, and learn to interact with strangers without fear. I dealt with a ton of anxiety when I was in high school. When I was a senior applying to art school for animation, I decided I was going to overcome that anxiety. I made plans to take baby steps to improve myself over the course of my 4 years of college. Joining the fandom, while unforeseen, was definitely a part of that process. I started feeling more confident in sharing my ideas, even if they were fan-made. I fell in love with storyboarding after that summer, when I took my first storyboarding class, and genuinely felt like I was actually getting somewhere with all of this. I remember finally coming to a point in my classes where I could pitch and not feel hopelessly insecure about it. I was opening up more to my friends and peers. 

But this process, unfortunately, came to a screeching halt. 

My life completely, utterly crumbled under me in the Fall of 2017 due to a series of blows in my personal life that happened in the span of just a couple weeks. My mental health and sense of identity were completely destroyed. All of that confidence I had worked for-- completely ruined. I was alone. I nearly died. My stay at college was extended to 4 and half years, instead of the 4 I had intended. I lost my love for animation-- making it, and watching it. I could no longer watch Steven Universe with the same love I had for it beforehand. It’s a terrible thing, trying to give your attention to something you don’t love anymore, and wanting so desperately to love again. I dropped so many things I loved in my life, including the fandom.

Healing was a long and complicated road. I continued to watch the show all the way up until Change Your Mind aired in the beginning of 2019, and while I still felt empty, that was definitely a turning point for me with it’s encapsulation of self-love. I was hoping James Baxter would get to work on Steven Universe since he guest-animated on Adventure Time, and it was incredible seeing that wish actually come true. The movie came out and while I enjoyed it and thought highly of it, I was still having issues letting myself genuinely love things again, old and new. It was especially difficult because cartoons were my solace as a kid, when things got rough at home. I remember feeling sad because the show ended, and not getting the chance to love it again like I used to while it was still going.

By the time Steven Universe Future was announced, I was finally coming around. I was genuinely starting to feel excitement for art and animation again. I wasn’t expecting there to be a whole new epilogue series, but happily ever after, there we were! Prickly Pear aired, and the implications it left in terms of where the story was going did it. I was finally ready to let myself take the dive back into fandom in January of this year. My art blew up, something I wasn’t expecting considering my 2-year hiatus. Following this, I was invited into a discord server containing some of the biggest writers, artists, editors, and analysts in the fandom. I had no idea there were so many talented people in the fandom, some already with degrees, some getting their degrees-- creating stuff for it on the side just for fun. The amount of passion and productivity level here is insane, and so is the amount of discussion that has come out of it.

I didn’t realize it at first, but it was actually helping me gain back the courage to share ideas. I lost my confidence in pitching while I was taking the time to heal, and graduating meant there would no longer be a classroom setting I could practice in. This group helped immensely. 

I have made so many friends through this wonderful series, and I have so many fond memories talking to like-minded creatives, getting feedback and a myriad of sources for inspiration, as well as all of the memes and jokes and weekly theorizations that came about as we all waited on the edges of our seats for episodes to air. I needed this so badly, I needed to get back in touch with my roots, when I would go absolutely hog-wild over a cartoon I loved with people who loved it as much I did. Future has been a blessing for me in this way. I graduated feeling like I was back at square-one, but now I feel like I’m on my way again.

It’s 2020 and while I’m doing great right now, I am honestly still recovering from the total exhaustion that followed after graduating a few months ago, and finally leaving the campus where my life fell apart behind. Needless to say, watching Future was like looking into a mirror. Watching one of my favorite characters of all time-- one that grew up with me-- go through so many of the same things I went through not too long ago was absolutely insane to watch unfold. It’s such an important thing too, to show a character go through the process of breaking down over trauma and all the nasty things that come with it, and to have them go on the road to healing. Steven got that therapy. He wasn’t blamed. The gems were called out. The finale was everything I could have ever hoped for. The catharsis I experienced watching it was out of this world.

As I continue my own healing journey, I will always look up to the storyboard artists, revisionists, and designers that I have been following over these past 7 years, as well as the new ones introduced in Future. It's been such a joy watching these artists release their promo art for episodes, talk about their experiences working on the show, and post the work they've done for it alongside episodes airing.

Thank you Rebecca Sugar, the Crewniverse, and the fans, for making this such a truly wonderful and unique experience. Thank you for reminding me that I am, and always will be, an artist, a cartoonist, and a fan. Thank you, my followers, for the overwhelmingly positive response to my artwork. I have had so much fun interacting and discussing the show with you all again over these past few months. Steven Universe and it’s fandom will always have a special place in my heart, and it will always be a classic that I will return to for comfort and inspiration for decades to come. I am sad that the cartoon renaissance is over, but so many doors have been opened thanks to this show. I am so, so excited to see what this show will inspire in the future, and I hope one day I get the opportunity to be a part of that. 

Goodbye Steven, thank you for everything. I wish you healing, and I wish Rebecca and the team a well-deserved rest. ♥️

-Cynthia D.

[lucky-clover-gazette]

Top 5 Poutine moments (or photos, your choice)!!

oh my god oh my god yes okay STORYTIME

poutine is my daughter my sunshine the light of my life who does not pay rent and sleeps on my chest nightly. i adopted her right after graduating college during the pandemic in 2021. the majority of college was a long traumatizing crawl through hell for me, and by the time i graduated, i had lost hope and passion for my desired industry of like a decade (as well as gaining a general hopelessness for my future and the future of the world). i had no idea what i wanted to do, what i COULD do, and where i belonged. so my single goal, post-grad, was to create circumstances in which i could adopt and support a cat.

unfortunately my mother is deathly allergic to cats, so in order for that to happen i had to prepare myself with a stable post-grad living situation and a job. early in my senior year i signed a lease for a studio, move-in june 1st, and lined up a retail position closer to graduation. re: my mom, it does make her sad that she can't visit my apartment, and it sucks that i have to leave poutine behind during short trips, but i'm like eight hours from my hometown and my mom understands how happy poutine makes me. we're okay.

anyway, after graduating i moved into the studio apartment and started the retail job (i have since found work in my area of expertise, and i'm moving to a nicer place in june as a result of that job change) in the same town as my college (i genuinely love it here). i adopted poutine a day after graduation, which i did not attend because pandemic, and she's been my best friend ever since.

my life has gotten so much better since 2021, mostly because i've made several intimidating and difficult choices to improve it. but adopting poutine will always be the best decision i've ever made, and it's one i made and executed even in the seemingly unescapable depths of hopelessness. i've found that after each success i only feel more emboldened to tackle something scarier--and adopting poutine, in a way, was like the first domino in that sequence. and she's been here the whole time since, keeping me company, letting me know i'm loved and that i'm capable of loving. also that she's hungry and just used the litterbox.

anyway, here are five Epic Poutine Moments in no particular order:

The Mister Saga

i live in a city so outdoor cats often wander around at night. because my apartment is on the ground floor and Poutine cannot be deterred by blinds, she has no choice but to acknowledge these cats when they stop by. back in august of this year, an outdoor cat named mister started visiting her, which at first was very upsetting to her AND me, because he'd be out there serenading her at like 3am. but after a few months i think they actually got used to each other, and just started to enjoy vibing together with a window between them. although poutine goes on walks on a leash, i unfortunately can't let her meet mister because i don't know if he's had his shots and i'm not risking her safety for the bit. even more unfortunately, a second unnamed cat started coming around a few weeks ago and ATTACKING THE FUCKING WINDOW, and now poutine seems agitated at mister again too. this saga is ongoing and i think she's like a regency romance novel heroine and it's all very unthinkably stupid and i had to buy a hormone diffuser recommended by the vet so she'd chill the fuck out about all these outdoor cats on the porch

2. she likes catnip

she likes catnip :P my supervisor at work gave me a cutting of his catnip plant for my office so i can bring it home for her

3. found footage poutine

i have a pet camera for when i'm away from home. this means i have a lot of cursed cat images

4. this photo

idk it just makes me laugh and it's zelda so here

5. various other photos

no context just take them

[manonblaqkbeak]

How We Met

here it is, my last fic for rowaelin month! thank you so much to everyone that’s read, liked and commented on my fics, it’s been so much fun reading and writing these last four weeks! i’m glad to know that i’m not the only one that is in dire need of more rowaelin content (srsly, i would pay sjm a truck load of money for a strictly rowaelin book bc i miss them sm)

here’s part 4 for the little series i had going on. i was so tempted to make this an angst piece but held back lol.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

cw: none

1.8k words

enjoy and thank you again!!! :) 💕💕💕💕

Gathering the ingredients for the cake that she and Ophelia were going to make for Rowan, Aelin plopped them down on the kitchen counter and tied her and her six year old daughters hair back. Even in the kitchen light, Ophelia's hair was a vivid shade of silver and when she turned to look at her mother, the golden ring in her eyes were just as bright.

“Up, mama!” Ophelia asked, pointing to the step ladder that Olive made for her little sister in her woodshop class at school. Getting it off from atop the fridge, Aelin and Ophelia started their baking session for today. It wasn't often that Aelin baked cakes from scratch but it wasn't every day that her firstborn turned sixteen—not that Aelin could really comprehend that her Olive was sixteen—but Aelin wanted to do this for her, wanted to make something special.

She hoped that it wasn't going to taste as bad as the last cake she baked. Rowan had been sick afterwards and didn't go to work the next day.

That was five years ago, so surely with gaining wisdom as people said when others got older, her baking skills grew too.

“Where did everyone go?” Ophelia asked, her little tongue poking out as she helped Aelin sift the flour.

“To get dinner for tonight. We're having Ollie's favourite.” Which was cuisine from the Southern Continent, there was a restaurant that specialised in the spicy food, and Aelin couldn't wait—she and Rowan often tried to recreate their favourite recipes, but it was never right, so Olive wanted to have the genuine stuff for her birthday and not her parents shoddy attempts.

Not that Aelin could blame her.

They continued making the chocolate cake, Ophelia babbling on about her day at school, when her little one asked, “How did you and papa meet?”

Aelin blinked at the sudden question, but answered it nevertheless. “At the grocery store.”

Ophelia furrowed her brows, and with the way her nose scrunched up, she looked so much like Rowan that it made her heart sing. When Aelin first realised that she was pregnant, she was nervous, they had only been married for seven months and while they spoke about having a child of their own, she didn't think it would happen so quickly—but Rowan's enthusiasm melted away her fears. She would never forget his tears of joy when she showed him the pregnancy test, his beaming smile when they heard her heartbeat for the first time. Aelin would walk through hell, as long as Rowan was by her side, or waiting for her at the end.

It wasn't always perfect, however, they had their ups and downs like every long-term couple, they had moments where it felt like they were walking on tightrope, either because of their own personal issues or marriage issues, or when Egan was fourteen and completely lashed out at Aelin, accusing her of replacing his mother—but she worked with her son, telling him that she had never intended to do that, that Lyria would always be the woman that brought him into the world, and that Aelin was raising him. Her heart broke in two at his pain, but she understood, he grew up with photos and stories of Lyria.

Or when they had the awkward conversation when Olive was eleven and asked why she didn't look like Rowan, and Aelin had explained her story, about Sam being her biological father, but he had given them space for Rowan to raise her instead. That had lead to brooding silences and confusion, but otherwise, Olive still saw Rowan as her dad, but she did ask from time to time about Sam, what he was like and what he was doing (the last update Aelin received from him via email that his wife was pregnant with their second child. Aelin was so happy for him that he was able to have a family, a feat that was made easier since Arobynn had been dead for years by this point) and that she would like to meet him properly one day; Aelin had kept that to herself, not wanting to tell Sam in case Olive changed her mind—Aelin hoped that she wouldn't.

Overall, their life together was what she needed, she went to bed each night loved and fulfilled. It was better than what she might have had with Chaol all those years ago, she was fairly certain that if she had married him, it wouldn't have been a long marriage.

“How did you meet at the food store?” Ophelia asked, her brow still furrowed as she and Aelin stirred the cake batter. It surprisingly smelled good.

“I needed something from a high shelf,” Aelin said, “and I couldn't reach it. Your papa was only a few feet away from me, so I asked him to get it for me.” She might have also subtly ogled him as his shirt exposed his tanned skin, and Aelin had damned near swooned at the sight of his six pack.

“Did you get married at the food store?”

Aelin laughed at the question. “No, we got married at the beach. And then you arrived not long afterwards.” Sometimes they wanted another, but things financially were going so well that they didn't want to jeopardise that by adding another mouth to feed.

“Can you have another wedding?” Ophelia asked, looking at her mum with wide eyes. “So I can go? Please?”

“I'll talk to your daddy about it, but I like the sound of that.” Kissing her daughters forehead, they continued. Just as they were putting the cake in the oven and the icing mix in the fridge, the front door opened and three booming voices infiltrated the house and the mouth watering goodness of food.

Aelin's eyes widened at the amount of food that Rowan piled on the table. It looked like they were feeding a small army and not a family of five.

Ophelia helped her older brother set the table, Egan ruffing her hair as he recounted their little adventure to the restaurant.

As they sat down, Aelin mentioned Ophelia's request. Rowan pretended to mull it over as their daughter pleaded, giving her best puppy dog eyes. It didn't take for Rowan to relent—he really had trouble saying no to her—saying that a second wedding was a great idea.

Ophelia squealed in delight and squealed even more when food was placed in front of her (she was very much like Aelin in that regard).

“How did the conversation of another wedding start?” Rowan asked as they all started eating.

“Phia here wanted to know how we meet.”

Olive snorted. “Yes, the ever romantic story of meeting in the toilet paper aisle.”

“It was not the toilet paper isle!” Aelin protested. “It was the cereal aisle.”

“At least you kids have inherited my manners,” Rowan said, “your mother didn't even ask nicely. She just came over to me and said, 'You're tall, could you get that box for me?'” It had taken him a moment to realise he had been spoken to, too focused on deciding what box of porridge to get when Aelin showed up, wearing a faded band shirt and shorts, pointing to the box of cereal that had far too much sugar to be healthy. He had said 'yes' because it was the nice thing to do, and had stayed behind, talking to her for so long in the aisle that his vanilla ice cream had started to melt.

It was the best decision in his life back then, he never thought he would have gained a friend in the grocery store—and that the friend would become his wife.

“I have manners. I said, 'Excuse you' first before I told you what I needed.”

“That's not really using manners there, ma,” Egan said, smiling as poked her tongue out. He looked so much like Lyria that it was almost scary—he still loved flowers and plants too, and was currently studying to become a florist and then one day horticulture. The backyard was full of flowers and plants thanks to him, making into a little wonderland instead of the barren plain it used to be.

“I did say 'thank you' afterwards.”

“You said 'thanks',” Rowan interjected, laughing as Aelin threw a chunk of her flatbread at his head. Ophelia's cute laughter rent through the air.

“It's the same thing!”

“If you say so, love,” Rowan muttered, his lips twitching. Aelin rolled her eyes in the dramatic way Rowan was used to, but he saw the mirth behind the movement.

“Like I said Phie, it's very romantic,” Olive said drily, sounding very much like Rowan. She had even inherited his scowl, which she was wearing now as she sniffed at the air. “Is something burning?”

Aelin had never run so fast as she did right then, the kitchen filling with smoke as she took in the blackened cake. Swearing viciously under her breath, Aelin chucked the cake into the bin, apologising to Olive as she did so.

“It's okay, mum, dad got me an ice-cream cake earlier today anyway.”

Aelin narrowed her eyes at her husband, who simply gave her an innocent smile in answer.

Rejoining her family, they talked well into the night, helping Aelin to forget her failed baking attempt. Ophelia asked more questions about their time in the grocery store and how that moment lead to friendship, to pining for the other without realising it, to a life together.

And to think, Aelin almost didn't go to the grocery store that day.

Rowan thanked the gods that he had remembered at the last moment that he had no porridge left, otherwise, he might not have met Aelin at all. Might not have had this life, this family. Part of him would always be sad that things had gone so wrong with Lyria, and he would always miss and love her. But he learned in therapy that it was good to have a life, and Rowan was glad that he heeded that advice.

He thanked the gods all the time.

And thank the rutting gods he did right now for the umpteenth time that Aelin deemed him tall enough to get her food for her, to stay in that aisle with him as they got to know each other.

Rowan was a very happy man indeed as he and Aelin went to bed that night, the smiles still on their faces at Olive's unrestrained joy at the sight of the car they spent weeks looking at second-hand dealerships at, hunting for the perfect car for their daughter.

Thank the rutting gods for all those moments in the past, present, and future.

Rowan couldn't wait to marry her again, and neither could Aelin.

Life was good.

[theji]

Things Yizhan Made Me Do

It's BXG Day today! 🐢💛

To commemorate the occasion, I thought of making a list of 13 out-of-character things that I've done since falling into the fandom. (OK I'm a bit late I meant to do this sooner, the day is ending soon in a couple of hours).

1. Start a blog

And a public one, no less. I had a blog when I was in my teens but that was private, like a personal diary. My day job already involves writing so off-work I would usually like to indulge in mindless activities. Now, here I am, maintaining a Yizhan blog. I have not even used Tumblr prior to this but I'm enjoying it now, rambling about our fav boys. Writing is not a chore if it's about them.

2. Join a fandom

I joined a boy band fan club once upon a time, some 15 years ago, but I was never as invested in it as I am now with Yizhan. Back then it was just buying some merch, attending their concert/autograph sessions, listening to their songs. Apart from work, dog mum duties, personal relationships, other hobbies like kombucha brewing, most of my free time is now spent on the fandom. My Netflix account is crying. There is just so much to do and catch up on (I'm not complaining). I also enjoy interacting with and learning from other bloggers here. Antis are no fun and some industry news/developments/hate messages are upsetting but ultimately, you curate your own fandom experience. And I choose positivity and rationality.

3. Indulge in RPS

I don't ever 'ship'. What is 'ship'? 😆 I was always a dutiful audience, just enjoying whatever drama series and moving on after that. I started with CQL like most people and I didn't even notice/like GGDD until much later. Didn't even set out to 'ship' anyone but now I'm a self-professed turtle. SZD is SZD, and anyone can see something special between them if you keep an open mind. I wrote about my SZD reasons here previously. That said, GG & DD are individuals, each with their own successful careers. They come first, the ship comes second. That I'm very clear of.

4. Use Chinese apps

Gosh, my phone and tablet are now full of Chinese apps. I used to have only WeChat cos I needed it for work but now I have Weibo, Oasis, Douyin, WeTV, MangoTV, Youku, etc. Some of them are not even available in the app store so I had to find alternative sources to download them. haha..I even have paid membership for some of these apps. And now, browsing Weibo daily becomes a routine. If you wish, you can just get stuck browsing Weibo for a long long time. It's entertaining.

5. Read fan fic

I only started about 6 months ago but now I'm hooked and fics are largely the only thing I read these days, apart from news. But I only read Yizhan or WangXian fics (p.s. calling for fic recs of other pairings!) I know some might have different feelings about fan fics but to me, I really just see them as fiction, with characters (and sometimes traits) bearing similarities to GGDD. Similarly, I separate the platform from the incident so I have no problems going to A03 despite GG's incident. I just enjoy seeing the characters named XZ/WYB having happy endings in many different timelines and universes. While most of the fics I read are explicit (by design), I don't use them as tools to play out certain fantasies or to think of GGDD in a sexual manner. In fact, I really hate fics that have little substance and just go into the explicit parts without plot development. I like those with interesting premises too, like one I read recently where XZ is a serial killer and WYB is a police officer investigating the case but also in love with him. I do have plans to share my list of fav fan fics some time down the road so keep an eye out for it!

6. Willingly read Chinese

Yes, Chinese may be my mother tongue but I don't use it much in daily living unless I have to. I also find it tedious to read Chinese cos the characters are just so squashed together. If I have a choice, I will always pick English. But now, I read so much Chinese from my daily weibo browsing. I even read fan fics in Chinese! Who am I? On the plus side, I think my Chinese comprehension and translation skills improved. I also picked up some internet lingo used by Chinese netizens, which are pretty interesting like doi, 🐮🍺, 🖍. My all-time fav is yyds.

7. Act like a cougar

In real life, I have always maintained that younger men are childish. At least those I have encountered. But look at me now, fangirling over two younger men (I am closer in age to GG, but still..). I even jokingly call them my 'China Boyfriends'. I look at them very respectfully most of the time.

8. Buy merch

Seriously, once you start, you can't stop. At least that was what happened to me, although I'm still quite selective when it comes to supporting their endorsements. I usually go for consumables like food, cosmetics vs collectibles cos I'm more practical. Also, GG says to support their merch within reasonable means so that's what I'm doing. Just buying things that I'm interested to try and not because it has their faces or names slapped on it. In a way, this suits me cos I like trying new brands and stuff anyway.

9. Keeping a Yizhan archive

Photos, weblinks, videos, songs, fan fics list..my phone is full of these things now. I think my Yizhan photo gallery is only second to the folder with my dogs' pictures. But how can you resist when we are blessed with new pics of them almost every week?

10. Camp for livestreams

I'm lucky I live in the same time zone as the boys so I don't have to wake up in the wee hours of the morning just to watch something. But that's the thing, being in the same time zone sometimes make me feel like I HAVE to watch that thing live because, why not? Why wait? Not shy to admit that I once watched a live programme in the middle of work but I made sure I finished what needed to be done. I think so long as we don't let these livestream schedules run our lives, there's no harm in camping for them.

11. Watch c entertainment

I am one of those who used to pass over Chinese productions, simply because it's a Chinese production. Not in a scoffing manner but I'm just genuinely not interested in them nor the celebs. I was more of a US/UK production kind of person, occasionally Korean/Japanese. Now, I'm learning to enjoy them although I just watch those with GGDD in them. No energy to follow other Chinese celebs anyway. The other programme I'm contemplating watching even if it doesn't have them in it is Who's the Murderer (GG was only in one of the cases) cos I like the premise. On the flip side, now my sis and partner keep making fun of me cos to them, all I do now is "watch China shows". That is so not true. Or is it?

12. Write fan mail

I wrote a letter to GG once. A long-ass letter. I hope he read it. That's all I'm gonna say. 🙈 hahahahaha

13. Desire to visit China

China was never on my list of to-visit places. Just wasn't interested. I have been to Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou a few times in the past for work but even then, I never felt the urge to revisit for leisure. Now, I wanna visit GG and DD's home town, visit Chongqing to see the graffiti wall with Bobii Zanbii on it, eat mala hotpot and try out their sauce recipe, attend BXG events, dine at the CQL restaurant... Watching TTXS also made me realise that there are many beautiful places in China with natural landscapes and all that. I used to be clouded by my disdain for the regime and some behaviour of its citizens but now, I recognise that the country is separate from the regime or a smaller group of poorly behaved citizens. China is a beautiful country and I would love to visit some day. I will fly over immediately on my own if someone gives me tix to ADLAD!!

Well, I hope some of these things resonate with you. Feel free to share the OOC things that Yizhan made you do.

Once again, Happy BXG Day! 🐢💛🐆🐇🐷🌶🦁🍑🐶🍍🛹🎋

[amor-immortalem]

Can I Stay Up Here With You Forever ch.4

Previous

Taglist: @mediocredetective

Warnings: Mentions of past child abuse and neglect

“So, what’s the plan for today? Or are we jus’ stayin’ home all day?” Mammon asks as he lugs the suitcase he brought with him into the bedroom and opened some dresser drawers to put his clothes away.

“I figured we could go out and explore more of the city together. Plus, I want to get a few more pieces of furniture to fill out the house.” Arella runs a hand through her hair as she stretches. “Breakfast was great, by the way. Thank you.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t that good- not compared to last night’s dinner anyway...”

“Don’t put yourself down like that, Honey.” The human gets off the bed to hunt for some clothes of her own. “You’re cooking is good, okay?”

He nods slowly. “Not if you ask my brothers though... One of ‘em always has something ta say ‘bout it- and none of its good. Even Beel has complaints sometimes.”

She frowns in response. “Well, I’ll have you know I genuinely enjoy your cooking. I wouldn’t mind if you cooked for us more often.”

Another nod from the demon as he returns to his task of emptying out his suitcase and Arella continues her search for the perfect outfit.

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“Where is he, Solomon,” The Avatar of Pride questions the sorcerer as he stands in the foyer of Purgatory Hall.

“I’ve already told you, Lucifer.” Solomon replies with a smile on his face. “I don’t exactly know. The human world is the best answer I can give you.”

The demon studies the human for a moment to deduce whether or not he’s lying about know where Mammon is. “Where in the human world?”

“I don’t know. Arella wouldn’t tell me where exactly she was summoning him to.” It’s a tiny lie. Of course, he knew exactly where they were, but Lucifer didn’t need to know that. “I have no reason to lie to you, Lucifer, but why exactly is it that you want to find your brother so badly?”

“I want to... apologize for my actions. It seems, after further review of the situation, that I was wrong. The bill I received was full of fraudulent charges to his credit card. Does that change your answer?” The first-born narrows his eye as the silver-haired sorcerer shook his head. “Then I’ll be off. If you hear anything, I want to be the first to hear about it.

Solomon only nodded, an amused smile playing on his lips. He wondered just how long it would take the demon to pinpoint Mammon and Arella’s location.

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They bounced from shop to shop throughout the day finding many cute trinkets and knick-knacks on their journey. The cutest ones- and Mammon’s personal favorite- was a set of crows sitting on a tree branch together, their bodies turned away with their heads pressed together so that they formed the shape of a heart. He instantly picked it up after Arella made the comment that the crows were representative of them and their love.

As their small shopping spree came down to an end, they had stopped to take a break in a park, just taking a moment to rest and enjoy the beautiful day. It filled Mammon with a warm feeling he wasn’t quite sure he could name just yet so he just opted to hold her hand as they relaxed on the park bench as a few small families played nearby.

His attention in particular was pulled to one certain family: A mother and father with their three boys. Watching them drug up a desire he thought he’d never have.

“Hey, babe,” He starts quietly.

“Yes, Love?” she hums in response.

“Do... Do ya want kids...?”

“Do you?” Arella replies with a question of her own, green eyes peering up at the demon.

“I asked you first.”

With a chuckle she answers, “Yes... having children with you wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. I’d love to one day down the road. How many do you want?”

“Just one would be good enough,” He smiles, resting his cheek against the top of her head as they sit there in peace for a while longer.

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Sitting in his office, attempting to keep his mind off Mammon, Lucifer was working on his ever-growing stack of paperwork. It wasn’t working and something in the back of the demon’s mind was gnawing at him. Something Arella had said to him roughly a month ago about stealing his brother away to the human realm and never returning. A laughable idea for as much as he knew she wasn’t joking; she really held no power to make that decision. Mammon was a demon- one of the seven lords of hell. His place was here in the Devildom whether she liked it or not. Mammon himself had to realize this was all pointless eventually and then he would come home and that would be the end of it. Or at least that’s what Lucifer hoped anyway. He really didn’t want to have to drag his brother back here kicking and screaming.

Stepping away from the old, worn-out desk, the eldest decides a break for tea and a phone call might do better to take his mind of things for the time being.

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Putting up her dusty old tomes on various mythologies of the ancient past, Aubrie could just barely hear the phone. Hopping down off the ladder, the mythologist swiped up the device- a gift from the only demon in her contacts. He was lucky she didn’t have it turned off like she usually did while she was working.

“Good evening, Lucifer,” Holding the shiny D.D.D. to her ear, she answered with a chirp. “To what do I owe the honor?”

“Good evening, Aubrie.” Lucifer’s voice is smooth as silk and Aubrie has to wonder if he just naturally talks like that or he was using that ‘seductive speechcraft’ Arella had mentioned some time ago to get whatever it was that he wanted from their conversation. “Have you spoken to Arella recently?”

“I have. You know she just moved from England, right?” The ginger chirps. “I texted with her this morning to see how it went.”

“Actually, I didn’t.” The Avatar of Pride hummed as he sipped on his tea. “That’s interesting. Where abouts did she move?”

“I wish I knew. The best I can say is somewhere in mainland Europe,” Aubrie lets out a sigh. “I want to go visit her. I can’t imagine how lonely it is to move to an entirely different country where you’re alone- although for Arella that’s pretty on character...”

“She does seem independent,” Lucifer hums, “I’m sure she’ll be fine. Actually, that’s part of the reason I called. I’m sure she told you that my brother’s with her when you spoke earlier... I need her to send him back. He can’t be missing so much school- his grades are already abysmal to begin with and the longer she keeps him up there, the worse they’ll get. Plus, I have things I need to talk with him about.”

“She's worried about his safety with you, Lucifer. Apparently, you broke his elbow somehow? Or something to that effect.”

“I didn’t break his elbow. No, he did that on his own by falling on it, but my actions helped lead to it so I have some blame in it.” The black-haired demon sighs, “That’s why I’m looking for them. I want to apologize to Mammon- he didn’t exactly deserve what I did that led up to him breaking his elbow.”

The human nods at that. “And here I thought you would be too proud to apologize.” She teased.

“If it were anyone other than my brothers, maybe.” He admits. “But in their own way, each of my brothers are important to me. We’ve been together for eons. Losing a single one of them would be devastating to our family, Aubrie. Like right now, the house has been too quiet and dark since Mammon left for the human realm. Things aren’t right until he comes home.”

“I see, but if you knew your brother would be happier up here in the human world with Arella... would you let him go?”

“I can’t- and it's not because I don’t want him to be happy, quite the opposite, actually- if we were not of such high rank and standing, then I would be content to allow Mammon to follow what makes him happy- whether that be here in the Devildom or up in the human world to allow him to live amongst the humans.”

“What do you mean?”

“I'm sure Arella has told you about our rank here in the devildom. We’re each to rule over a layer of Hell once we leave RAD in a few years. Mammon has a responsibility to the Devildom as Lord of the Fourth Layer. It's not a thing that he can just leave behind in favor of spending the rest of his human’s minimal lifespan up in the mortal realm.”

“You could be less harsh on him though. I know our morals on what is wrong and right are different and it’s foolish for us to force our morals on to literal demons from some of the stories she mentions about the way you all treat your brother... Well, it sounds like abuse to me and for someone like Arella, that’s very triggering for her.”

“What do you mean by that?” Lucifer’s interest was piqued at the human’s words. He knew next to nothing about Arella’s past before the exchange program and she never talks about her past to begin with so having the opportunity to hear about it was enticing to the Avatar of Pride.

“Her home life when we were children was... less than happy. Her mother was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive as well as neglectful. I have plenty of pictures from when we were children where she’s covered in bruises, black eyes, busted lips. She would never say anything against her mother so protective services couldn’t do anything for her, but we all knew that woman was the cause of them. So you see, the way you treat your brother drudges up all that old trauma for her and that’s why she behaves the way she does. Wouldn’t you do the same thing if you were in her shoes, Lucifer?”

“You’re not wrong.” He goes to take another sip of his tea but the cup is empty. “This was nice and also very insightful. I have to go now, enjoy the rest of your evening, Aubrie.”

“Thank you, Love. You too. Make sure to go to bed a reasonable time tonight.” There was a short pause on her end before Aubrie began sputtering apologies and trying to back pedal her way out of that embarrassing situation and the line eventually just cut off.

Lucifer couldn’t help but laugh softly at the ridiculousness of it all. Humans sure were a funny creature.

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