#what I DO feel is even more motivation to stay safe from covid now

[whileyoureinschoolidothisallday]

(cw: like..........kinda death mention if that bothers you??????? talking about it in a disability/chronic illness context)

man I'm having feelings lol (good?????? I think??????????? definitely not bad)

I don't really talk about my specific condition very often because like.....idk. I'm sure other people with permanent since-birth disabilities can relate, but it's such a regular part of my life that I think about it as much as my glasses, y'know?

But I have spinal muscular atrophy, which is a neuromuscular disorder that gets worse over time until it usually passively kills you (most commonly: you get a respiratory infection and your lungs don't have the strength to clear it). Pretty much my whole life I've expected the loss of function and planned accordingly. Like, "okay when you can't use your good arm anymore, we'll get a voice controller so we can still write", "okay when we're on a permanent vent we already have everything set up so we'll be able to comfortably go places with it", etc etc. It's just always been an inevitability I needed to adapt and prepare for instead of avoid.

I've already been on new medication that stops/significantly slows down the progression, which has already shook my worldview that I'm probably not gonna die as young as I always thought I would (and confirmed that the meds are working!!!!!).

But now I just found out today that, in about two years max, they're gonna have a treatment to rebuild muscle as well.

So like...not only will I be on medication that's preventing me from getting worse, but I will potentially also have a medication that helps me regain what I've already lost.

If it's only marginally, that would improve my life significantly. If I had function of my arms, so much of my nightmare scenarios about my independence and staying out of an institution--especially when my mom and dad die or Ace moves away or something--would be quelled. I could take care of myself, like fully truly, and rely a little less on staff for once. I could actually do things that I wanna do but they don't have good adaptive equipment for my own needs, like cooking and cleaning and gardening--playing with my pets!!!!!! video games again!!!!!!!! Witchcraft!!!!!!

For the first time in my life, I wouldn't be living with the expectation that I would be losing something constantly.

I might actually end up being okay.

Idk it's really kinda overwhelming to think about.

[edoro]

thinking a lot lately about the very fun experience of technically being able to work, but not consistently or enough to make a living

recently i took five days off from my (extremely easy, simple, online, wfh) job because i had hit the point of being burned out that thinking about it made me Literally Want To Kill Myself

i spent those days cleaning my house, playing video games, and writing original fiction that i’m going to try to sell, and also doing things like “crying into my salad while i washed the leaves” and “laying on the floor thinking What if I Was Dead Instead” because none of the stressors that made me get to that point were actually gone and in fact taking this time off of working was making a big one (the fact that i live on a very narrow margin of financial safety where i am usually just BARELY able to pay for everything i need) significantly worse

now i have to get back to it and i can already physically FEEL the stress returning, although thankfully the constant mental loop of “what if i just killed myself instead” is mostly gone and i just feel kind of shitty about it

but this is a pattern for me, and it’s a deeply frustrating and demoralizing one. get a job, hope that this time this will be the job i am Able To Consistently Do And Live Off Of, and then from there a few things have tended to happen:

1) i’m actually really good at the job but doing it drives me insane because it hits all of my anxiety and trauma buttons and every working day involves psychologically torturing myself for several hours straight (anything involving phones)

2) i like the job but i suck at it and the knowledge that i suck at it drives me into a despair spiral that ends with me quitting before i get fired

3) i like the job and i’m okay to good at it, but either something external happens (car dying while working as a delivery driver, covid) to force me out of it OR i just hit my burnout point anyway because there is something deeply broken inside of my brain wrt my ability to function as a person in the type of society i currently live in

And Then I Don’t Have A Job Anymore. the longest i’ve managed to keep a job is not quite three years, and then covid happened and i had to choose between continuing to work in retail or keeping myself safe from getting the fucking plague. the specter of “having to go back to working around the general public, none of whom mask anymore, and also no one is really vaccinating anymore either” looms over me constantly.

every time this happens it makes me feel even more like a useless garbage person AND it makes it much harder to get another job, because my employment history is full of three to six month stays at jobs that most people would find incredibly simple and easy, and i have to try to find a way to explain that without saying “i’m insane and probably going to have a mental breakdown under the crushing weight of light clerical duties, but i prommy i’ll do a good job up until i hit that point”

and meanwhile while i AM working, i have absolutely no energy or motivation for anything else. i can’t keep my house clean. i can barely maintain my own hygiene. i can’t write. i can’t engage in any hobby that isn’t passively absorbing information through a screen. AND i can barely make enough money to live on with the number of hours i’m capable of working, so it doesn’t even feel particularly worth it.

anyway. idk. it just sucks. it’s really hard and i’m tired of living like this but the only solutions seem to be “win the lottery” or “stop being disabled” or maybe “find a sugar daddy.”

[vizthedatum]

It all still bothers me, so I am writing about it again.

I keep going between empathic compassion and resentment for a past ex-friend. How do I forgive myself and them?

It doesn't matter now anyway - I don't want them back in my life, and I don't think they would want to be my friend either after I told them all the ways I felt disrespected by them, criticized their primary partnership (I think I'm really not okay with some of the things I've heard and witnessed), criticized how they treat their friends, and other judgemental remarks. Yeah I was very upset.

I think I felt really unheard in that friendship (and we dated for a brief period of time - right around the time of my breakup with my ex-spouse - what a whirlwind).

I infodumped on them a lot - I really wanted to trust them. We were both neurodivergent and I thought they liked to talk? They didn't tell me their boundaries with the quantity of information sharing until I started bringing up stuff that I felt hurt by towards the end of the friendship - it just sucks because they told me that they loved paragraph texting before we began to do that with each other.

The friendship was full of contradictions.

And I honestly think they didn't understand me, which doesn't mean they were a bad person.

I just thought I could trust them? But our perceptions of things were so different, and I don't think I can really forgive them for not taking me as seriously as they should have when I separated from my ex-spouse. We were dating, I filed a PFA, and they stayed social media friends with my ex (who they weren't close to at all!) until my ex started talking about taking a trip (then my ex-friend realized my ex was full of bullshit about covid precautions and stuff). To be honest? They put me at legal risk - and it felt like an emotional betrayal.

--

This is edited for privacy, but last summer, I wrote down reasons why I felt emotionally uncomfortable continuing with the friendship, regardless of their intentions (which I think were maybe neglectful and not malicious? my other friend thinks it was more purposeful): (

This is phrased as a letter to them - a letter I didn't send; I just chose to try to converse with them, and then I chose not to meet up to talk about it all and ended the friendship.

I also acknowledge that a lot of this was written during a summer when I was going through a very serious healing phase, the finalization of my divorce, the almost death of one of my friends, etc.

Before I ended the friendship, they did provide their perspectives but it didn't really change how hurt I felt, nor did I understand if they wanted me in their life or not - I didn't feel like I was valued or understood.

) --

Dear [Name of ex-friend],

I value our friendship and want to maintain it. I’ve been gaining more clarity, especially after moving apartments. I love talking to you, but I think I talk to you too much.

I acknowledge that I emotionally dump on you a lot. You have supported me a lot. You validate me, and you’re there for me. I love being your friend. Thank you for hanging out with me and coming to my bday party and all of it. Seriously.

But I think I’m “too much” for you.

In my gut, I do not feel emotionally safe with you anymore, and I need to listen to myself. Even if I’m wrong. This is so hard for me.

There are a lot of things that I kind of swept under the rug while we were casually dating and/or just talking. I think you’re beautiful and extremely attractive, but it was very hard for me to be sexual with you or motivated to perform. I felt like I didn’t truly have an inkling of what you wanted, you were very stoned/dissociated, and it puzzled me to dom you. I have a lot of kink experience in both good and not-so-good relationships, but I truly did not feel desired (at least to my standard). It hurt me, and I felt rejected. Sexual emptiness makes a huge dent in my mind, and I’m not going to delude myself into the fake resilience of saying it doesn’t. I can get over it with time, but I should not have been sexual with you. I fuck to have fun (but more to connect) but also I need people to be real with me or the sex isn’t fun.

I also cannot get over the following observations:

On our last date, you visibly and audibly sneered (and told me something like “there’s a lot I don’t know about you”) when I told you about a recovered memory of a rape that happened when I was young. I don’t know if you remember it differently, but that type of response was highly inappropriate. (I only brought it up because we were talking about the context of the trauma I just experienced and because we were talking about mutual memory recovery processes with our respective trauma)

You act wildly different online than in person (and then even differently in groups). I chalk it up to anxiety, trauma, and autism - but I think you're masking your discomfort. I cannot trust you to tell me how you actually feel.

You were at least Instagram friends with [ex-spouse] until they mentioned something about going to LA - which means you didn't unfriend them when I told you and everyone else it was domestic violence. And… you and I were fucking dating so what the actual fuck.

You freaked out far more than anyone else did when you read my PFA statement. I wish you had set a boundary with me instead of trying to help me.

You agreed to go with me to one of my medical appointments, but it was so clear that you were uncomfortable with it. The only way I got you to admit that you didn't want to go was when I started telling you what my procedure entailed - I saw you go pale (which I knew you would) and retract your offer (which you shouldn't have even offered). It was so rude.

I think it got weird btwn [name of frustrating person for other reasons], you, and me. You choose to be in that relationship despite both of y'all's attachment issues (I admit that I also have toxic attachment issues). You are frequently not fulfilled by their lack of reciprocity. I was never jealous. It is so confusing. You are one of the only people I can talk to about them… and despite you saying that you don't divulge my thoughts/processing about them (of which there are a lot) to them - I think you have. I do not believe you.

[My other ex] laughed in my face when I told them something I wanted to do with you, and while they're too chicken-shit to explain themselves, I think I know why now.

You accepted the end of our sexual relationship way too easily. It is one thing to accept my new boundaries (which, yeah, you should) - but we didn't actually talk about any of the stuff that came up. AND you didn't really apologize for your behavior. I was going through shit, and I had to emotionally take care of you. I wish you had just left or not come at all if you couldn’t deal. I also felt like you made me out to be sexually pushy - and I was trying my utmost best not to be sexual because I saw how uncomfortable you were. I honestly wanted to pause the movie and kick you out of the apartment. Our last date was so fucked up that I couldn't sleep and cried the whole night after. All my partners do not treat me like that - they can either put up a boundary or understand how I’m feeling… and realize that my trauma does not define who I am.

This is on me, but I honestly went on sexual abstinence in December because I felt like you would judge me if I didn’t. My psychiatrist said I didn’t have to - and it was really messing with me. I felt like you didn’t want to have sex with me because of my trauma which is really hypocritical but fine. Valid. But also I feared your emotional energy if I told you I was sexual with other people. Even when I sent you sexy pictures, I felt like you wrote it off. The way you approach sexuality brings up my inner slut-shaming triggers. Sigh.

You got triggered when I crashed at your place after I left my ex, and then you couldn't let me stay there even though you had the room. It is valid to do what you did - but we were dating, you told me that night that I put you into sub-space while we were making out which I didn't intend to do (and I think you only told me that because you were personally uncomfortable with my situation), you knew that I was desperate, I felt like you wrote me off as too traumatized to help/be intimate with/be around/idk (just tell me!), you were scared to help, you didn't actually help… you didn't support me (other than emotionally supporting me through messaging - which I don't actually know if you want to do). And many of my other friends did. I could be real with them, and they didn’t view me differently.

You (along with [other ex-partner]) did not contribute one cent to my gofundme - and you financially could have. While I can manage - I seriously needed the support at that time. I would have paid you back.

It feels like you judge me when I tell you about my sexual partners and exploits - and I can tell. Please tell me I'm wrong. I really want you to tell me and prove I'm wrong.

I feel judged in general. I really do. I feel like you mock me for how I am, and I don’t know exactly why I feel this way, but I do.

My new boundaries:

No touching or hugging at all.

You cannot come into my home until I say so.

We can hang but outside of our homes - I do genuinely want to hang out with you.

No spellwork that involves me at all - not even a cord cutting. I do not trust your energy.

Lets not talk about our partners or sexual dalliances anymore (apart from: “I’m busy with so and so”).

I cannot talk about [frustrating person's name who probably didn't understand that they were talking to two autistic traumatized people] with you anymore - it is putting me back. I am not jealous of what both of you have - and I really hope it fulfills you both. I deserve more than what they can offer, and I also feel like you don’t really emotionally grasp how hard all of it was for me. It was fun and fantasy, yes, but it was also meaningful emotionally for me (despite their lack of reciprocity and my toxic chasing attitude).

We can text and emotionally support each other about our lives but I will not text back during work hours (roughly 7-5 during wknds) or when I have partner-time unless it’s an emergency.

What are your thoughts? What are your boundaries?

Sincerely, [My name]

[ruminate88]

Soul, Mind and Body:

Before the emotional abuse, I weighed 125 lbs. I dealt with 3 toxic men but only dated 2 of them. By the time I’m with Andrew, I’m up to 127 lbs. I know that isn’t a lot more weight but I stayed that way for years!! I went to the gym 3 times a week during the love bomb phase with Andrew. I felt so impowered, motivated and like I needed to impress Andrew. The energy between us was fire at that time 🔥I would Snapchat him from the gym and he would compliment me and flirt with me so hard… I didn’t lose any weight though… I was trying to eat so healthy too. I was just on a major high! I was just getting badly obsessed with Andrew though!!!! 🥺

Towards the end of the relationship with Andrew and after we break up, I’m just living on Mountain Dew really. I’ve quit the gym now. I can’t even think of that place without being overly emotional becuase that place represented when I felt my best with Andrew. For sure after we broke up, we went through a phase where he’s still flirting with me, calling me beautiful and trying to get my nudes but he claims he doesn’t want a relationship and shames and blames me for continuing to talk dirty with him. Says I make him weak and it’s all my fault he keeps coming back to “be with me”. Says I don’t respect our friendship 🤪🥴😳😭 I mean… I wore that too. I spoke up and told him “it takes two” that he’s also just as responsible which he won’t accept. It’s all me, none of him but the whole time I can’t eat ANYTHING 😝 there was so much drama and heat between us!

A couple years later, I’m now married to someone else and feel like I’m in an okay safe place where I can eat and be happy. No one blaming me for anything or working against me. So, I can eat and I still am a heavy Mountain Dew drinker!! Now I’m up to 133 lbs. the most I ever weighed!! Covid happens and the stress of covid was actually the eye opener for me to realize I was losing hair and that my stomach was all messed up! Randomly I had burning in my esophagus for weeks and I lost 25 lbs out of no where!!

No one had the answers to what was going on. I began to stop eating and of course I gave up Mountain Dew. I went from 133 lbs. down to 113 lbs. down to 106 lbs. None of my clothes would fit! I couldn’t eat hardly anything without feeling so bloated and full. I couldn’t even feel the “hunger” feeling. Everyone was worried and begging me to eat. I WANTED TO EAT!!! I just couldn’t 😭😭😭

okay… off and on my stomach would act up and I couldn’t understand it fully. I read that emotional abuse takes a toll on your nervous system and can cause various physical problems including IBS and digestive issues. One day it all clicks in my brain that your soul, mind and body are all one and if your mental is suffering, so is your body. So it’s really a mental thing caused by the emotional abuse!!!

today I’m around 102 lbs…. When I look in the mirror, I see bones and baggy clothes. 😢 I eat but I get so full so quick cuz my stomach has shrunk AND when I am full, I have to get up and walk around to help digest my food. I have to make sure I have plenty of fiber. I’m okay now. Just when I look at photos of the old me and the new me, wow… I’m sooooo skinny like sickening looking and my face has aged some for sure!!! But I’m still ok. It’s one day at a time and just keep going forward.

When I first lost the weight, I stupidly thought “oh wow I’m skinny I bet my exes wish they still had me now” 🤪🤪 that’s so delusional and messed up! My exes don’t give a care about my health 🥴😝 I have learned a very hard lesson that they’ve programmed me to seek their approval and I have to break free from that!! I HAVE to take care of myself and do it for me only. It’s sad to think I was so in love with Andrew when he does not care one ounce about if I’m okay or healthy or happy. Get it through my skull 💀 ugh 😣

[racinggirl]

safe haven || charles leclerc 16

type: one shot pairing: charles leclerc x reader word count: 1.5k summary: charles taking care of you whilst you're sick at home requested: yes! “Hi :) First of all, I loove your writing! It's immaculate! Saw you're taking requests and I was wondering if you could do one, where reader is sick (the flu or smth?) and Charles (or anyone you want) takes care of them? Like really fluffy? Thank you so much and have a wonderful week :))” (by anon) Yeeees girl, who doesn't want fluff Charles boyfriend??? Requests are OPEN!!! warnings: mentions of being sick, mentions of !covid!, tons and tons of fluff, not proofread! notes: I'm sooooo sorry it took so long! I just had such a big writersblock and I didn't had the motivation to write anything atm. I will try to write more, I promise! Also, I hope you'll love it! I just wrote it in about an hour or so. I lowkey like it, but if you have tips or just things you really like about my writing and want to see more of, just lmk and hmu!

My masterlist

‘’I hate being sick.’’

‘’I know baby, I know, but I’m here okay? I’ll take care of you.’’

Those were the words you needed more than anything at this exact moment, in which you were on the couch in your boyfriends apartment in Monaco, your back leaning against his strong chest, his arms wrapped around you protectively. You felt safe, more than anywhere else in the world, because he was your home, your safe haven.

It all started a few days ago, you weren’t feeling too good after the Hungarian Grand Prix, but you tried to brush it off. Just a cold, at least, that’s what you thought. You made sure to do a COVID-19 test just in case, even though corona wasn’t really a subject people talked about anymore, at least, the illness, not the drink, people loved the drink.

Negative, thankfully, so you weren’t too worried about the fact you might have to go in quarantine. Just a cold, right?

No, things got worse, from a running nose to coughing, as well as stomach pains and headaches. You had the flu, and it was horrible. You never got sick, not even a cold would get you, usually. But right now, you could curse the whole world and space, because you absolutely hated it.

You tried to keep your cool, not wanting your boyfriend to worry about you, he had enough on his mind with the final adjustments before summer break. But he wasn’t one to fool, he knew something was going on.

‘’Baby, are you okay?’’ Charles had noticed you were a little less active when you came back home. Normally you’d drag him out for a walk around the harbour, watching the sunset in the evening, or the sunrise in the early hours. But this time, you’d just head straight to the couch, curling up under the blanket.

‘’Did I put the air-conditioning too high?’’ He frowned the moment you reached for the black fluffy blanket underneath your tv.

‘’No, no, it’s fine.’’ You mumbled, a sneeze and a cough giving away your current state.

‘’Are you sick?’’

‘’…’’

‘’Baby?’’

‘’Yes, I think I am.’’ You mumbled, curling up more underneath the blankets.

Charles smiled weakly, making his way towards the couch as he took a seat next to you, his arms carefully wrapping around your shivering body.

‘’No, I don’t want you to get sick too.’’ You whispered, moving in your boyfriends arms, but you too knew, he was stronger than you, so after just a few seconds of trying to get out of his grip, you gave up, your head resting against his chest as you closed your eyes.

‘’Then we’ll be sick together.’’ He said, placing a kiss on the top of your head.

‘’Charles, I’m serious.’’ You mumbled, removing your head from his chest to look up into his eyes, a sigh escaping your lips.

He simply shrugged his shoulders and pulled you closer, just to give you a peck on your lips. He didn’t care. He wanted to take care of you, because he loved you.

It stayed like that for a few days, you had zero energy, sleeping for almost the entire day, while Charles took care of you, handing you your tea, as well as providing you with the best movies (he picked them).

‘’Babe, you need to go to work.’’ You were on the same position again, under the same blankets – who had been washed twice already by your boyfriend who insisted on washing the blankets everyday to give you a ‘fresh one’ each day – while Charles was making your lemon tea in the kitchen.

‘’They don’t mind if I’m a bit later, it’s summer break anyways.’’ He told you, cutting up the apple slices just the way you liked it.

‘’They do, baby, they want to celebrate their summer break too. I’m fine okay? I’m feeling a little better already.’’ You said, looking at the Monégasque as he walked to the couch, eyes focussed on the tea so it wouldn’t spill, he had filled it to the top.

‘’A little, which doesn’t mean a lot, so I’m now turning on the tv for you and putting on another Harry Potter movie, okay? And I’ll get your sweater in case you get cold and-‘’

‘’Charles!’’ You laughed, a small smile on your lips as you watch your boyfriend ramble on about the things he was going to do for you.

‘’I can do things myself too, you know?’’ You smiled sweetly, his face confused and searching for the right words.

‘’But…’’

‘’No, no buts, you get your ass to work, I’ll be fine, okay?’’ You shot him a reassuring smile, one he knew was sincere.

After a few seconds, he decided to agree, after trying to search for excuses, which you only rejected. He left for work, but told you he’d be home as soon as possible so you two could order food from your favourite restaurant.

He was an angel, he really was. Every morning he would prepare your tea, cut up your fruits because he knew you didn’t like to eat bread in the morning. Everyday he would give you a little more food, knowing you slowly started to gain your appetite again. Every afternoon he would prepare a lunch, as well as a movie the two of you would watch together. He gave you kisses, which you tried to avoid because you did not want him to get sick too. Every evening he would either order or prepare dinner, and prepare a bath for the two of you to enjoy after chilling on the couch the entire day. After that, he would make the bed, turn on the candles in the bedroom, and give you a massage. He was the perfect boyfriend, and you loved him more every second of every day.

As soon as he came home that evening, he did exactly what he said he would. He ordered dinner, cuddled you on the couch, watching the movie you were currently watching, and waited for dinner to arrive.

After dinner he ran upstairs to prepare the bath, spreading rose pedals he bought the other day all over the floor and bath, filling it up with your favourite scented bath gel and candles for the romantic vibe.

‘’You know.’’ You whispered, leaning against his chest, the warmth of the water around you giving you tingles all over your body.

‘’Hmm?’’ Charles hummed, his chin resting on the top of your head, his arms wrapped around your body to pull you close to him, his breath moving some baby hairs on the top of your head.

‘’I think I should be sick more often.’’ You whispered, eyes closing as you felt his chest move, a low chuckle leaving his lips. He smiled, his hands drawing small circles on your stomach, the circles slowly turning into little hearts.

‘’I think you shouldn’t, because you keep avoiding my kisses.’’ He whispered, his breath hitting your temple since you had turned your head to the side, making you able to hear his heartbeat. His heartbeat, which was slow, relaxed, because he had you in his arms.

‘’I’m only doing that because I don’t want you to get sick, but you aren’t really helping.’’ You giggled, your hand moving to his upper leg, nails scratching his skin in the warm water.

‘’I won’t get sick.’’ He smiled, pressing a kiss to your temple. ‘’My immune system is the best.’’ He smirked, in which you rolled your eyes with a smile as a response.

Once you got out of the bath, he made sure to wrap a towel around your body, doing the same for himself afterwards. He smiled at you, that smile that made you feel at home, safe, here with him.

He was about to lean in to press his lips to yours, when he turned away from you, making you frown. But the reason made you laugh, a smirk on your lips. He coughed, a sneeze following afterwards.

‘’That was just a coincidence.’’ He mumbled, but soon after coughed again, making you raise your eyebrow, the smirk still plastered on your face.

‘’You won’t get sick, huh?’’ You smirked, arms crossed in front of your chest as you let out a laugh, watching your boyfriend cough another time.

He looked at you, his towel moving over his face, a groan escaping his lips. He removed the towel, looking at you as he stepped closer, pulling you in his arms.

‘’At least this means I get to kiss you now, because you’ve already infected me.’’ And with that, he pressed his lips to yours, kissing you softly while the candles slowly dimmed. They lasted for at least four evenings.

[nortonluv]

Could u please do handsome jack x reader who is sick,I got covid and I could really use some comfort 🙏(also I really love the way you write your fanfics!😊)

OMG I really hope you're okay! I'll write this before my other request because I actually had a couple of quick ideas for it. (Yes I will be finishing one of my other requests very soon I swear)

Borderlands Masterlist

NOT MY GIF

Handsome Jack x sick! Gn! Reader

Pairing: Handsome Jack x reader

Reader pronouns used: They/them/theirs

Warnings: None that you wouldn't expect with a borderlands fic

Summary: Jack's trying ok?

Let's be completely honest

He has a very vague idea of what to do

Like very vague

He knows he probably should be there for you but he's worried he'd mess up

I feel he's honestly really insecure behind the whole CEO/hero facade.

So he believes that him being there will f*ck things up

He does however hire the best healthcare for you

He has bots doing everything you could ever need and always making sure you're comfortable

However when he inevitably comes back to you, he's by yours side apologising for staying away

He wants to be near you I swear

He's just worried of messing up really bad

OK, and maybe he doesn't want to get ill

He's really careful and cautious with every movement you make

He's a great cook

Don't ask me why I believe this, I just do

Take my word for it

He shoos away the bots he had looking after you and decides that the evening will be his turn at being a good partner to his partner

Cleans both of your living areas

Makes food for the both of you

Feeds any pets you may or may not have

Turns on the tv and prepares a little cuddle corner kind of area for you

Has a very small nap halfway through this

Drags you to the cuddle corner and makes sure you're comfortable

Goes back to the bedroom to finish off a small, minor amount of work

Gets changed

And so, the movie/show marathon of your favourite begins

Even if its the most horrible thing he has to do, he'll do it

He is a self centered, narcissistic, douchebag to everyone else

but for you, he'd give the entire world and so much more just to make you feel safe and comfortable

This applies so much more if you set this as post-Angel

Yeah sorry about that last comment, that hurt me to write

I love Angel

That's not the point of this though!

If you fall asleep halfway through, he'll carry you back to bed and makes sure you're fine

Once he's completely sure you're ok he'll allow himself to drift off to sleep

Surprisingly he forgot all about making himself sick sometime through the marathon..

He'll probably have ended up catching it a few days later and you'll have to care for him

Poor dude

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♫ ⋅.} ───── ⊰

Sorry its short, I just wanted to get these out there so everyone knew I was still active.

I normally do requests in order but i saw this and couldn't resist writing something quick for it. I am still working on all of my requests but life is slowing me down

Now if anyone would like to help support me, you could maybe visit my redbubble! It would really help me feel motivated if anyone bought from it, thank you!!

Oh and my lovely anonymous friend, I hope you are ok and hope this was something that you would enjoy :)

[asexual-abomination]

Platonic Yandere Phantom Troupe X Autistic!Reader - Soulmate AU (Chrollo's chapter)

Heyo! This is is my first work in a long while, and it might not stay up for long! With weeks of struggling to complete one request, the motivation and inspiration to write this different piece very suddenly struck at quarter past midnight as I recovered from a bad reaction to my first COVID jab! I'm probably going to wake up, re-read this, and cringe horribly lol.

As always, I don't have any academic education in writing, so any advice is always appreciated!

Hope you enjoy reading!

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The car was cold and felt almost alien, as you sat in the passenger's seat. Chrollo hadn't spoken in several minutes, and you hadn't anywhere near the heart needed to point out that he was driving in circles.

"Is there anything you want? It seems that Shalnark is taking a while to send me the location of our new hotel, so perhaps you'd like some food?" Chrollo looked towards you with an almost sincere smile, awaiting your answer.

Well, you were hungry. You had been offered food several times throughout the day, in several packed canteens with rushed food from upset-seeming chefs. However, even though you logically knew that being a picky eater at a time like this was a bad decision, the idea of eating anything other than the safe, simple foods you kept at home made your stomach twist and turn.

And now, you were left at an impasse. Turn down the opportunity for food, and continue to become painfully hungry, or take your terrifying soulmate up on his offer, and risk upsetting him by being to picky. Even Marnie, the kind woman who had helped you throughout the day, had given you an upset look when you turned down the food offered, you could only try to imagine the reaction of a man who was crazy enough to chase you across multiple countries.

Doing what you could to be careful with your wording, you finally spoke, "What would we be getting?"

"Well, whatever you would like! There's some top of the line restaurants just a few blocks down, or we could stop by some fast food restaurants? Your wish is my command!" All spoken with a soft smile, as if he didn't recognize the irony in those last words. If you could truly wish, you would still be safe at home, surrounded by friends old and new.

"I guess... some fast food wouldn't be that bad." At least in that case, you would know exactly what you were getting, even at this time of night.

He set off quickly, clearly not wanting you to go back on your decision before you both had chance to eat. Once you were near a line of cheap chain restaurants, illuminating the street beside it, Chrollo quickly got out of the car, stepping around to open your door before you even had the chance.

As you stepped towards the store of your choice, Chrollo near immediately put his arm around your shoulders, as if he feared you would disappear again the second you were out of his sight or reach. He held you close to his side the entire time, as you both ordered, and as you waited.

It was still an awkward feeling, him holding you, but at least you had chance to get used to it after this much time.

By the time you received your food, he had checked his phone several times, and at one point squeezed you just slightly more into his side and quickly told you that he now had the location of the new hotel. You supposed that was meant to be comforting, yet you couldn't help but feel shaken to the core by the implication that there would be no more chances for escape. Not that you knew how to take them anyway.

Slipping back into the car, the chill of the air conditioning was at least combated by the heat of the food, and you quickly dug in as Chrollo started the car. After taking several bites, you realized that you were much more hungry than you had originally believed, and began to shovel down the food as fast as you could.

By the time you had finished eating, you were pulling in to park outside of the hotel you were meant to stay in. For a moment, as you stepped out of the car, you wondered if the way you had eaten was rude, as Chrollo sat with an untouched bag of food at his side. Then again, you wondered why you should care so much for the feelings of kidnappers, even if said kidnapper was your very own soulmate.

Outside of the hotel doors stood a small gathering of people. Two of them you recognised, the pink-haired woman, Machi, and the gruff blond, Phinks, from your short time in Chrollo's body. The two others, you didn't recognize, both giant, hulking men, one of them had many piercings, while the other had a mane of wild silver hair.

Chrollo stepped out of the car, his food in hand, once again stepping around to open the door for you. The people gathered near the door of the hotel perked up at the sight of him, and then again glanced over as the door to your side was opened.

You stepped out quickly, not wanting to drag out the affair of being stared at for too long. Still, these strangers might as well have whooped and cheered for your arrival, with the looks of joy that overcame their faces, even as fast as they covered it up.

"(Y/N), you've already met Phinks and Machi, correct? I should also introduce you to Franklin," Chrollo waved towards the giant with piercings, "And Uvogin" he waved again towards the giant with the mane. In response to his name being called, Uvogin stepped forward, calling to you himself.

"So you're (Y/N), huh? You're even cuter close up!" The man's voice matched his stature, overwhelming your tired senses and making you flinch backwards, clutching at your tangle for even the slightest hint of comfort.

"Now, now, Uvogin, (Y/N) may be cute, but they need rest now! I was told our rooms were already booked?" It both amazed and shocked you that any of them could take this situation so lightly, but given the small amount of stories that your old friend had told you about these people showed you that abduction of a soulmate was likely one of their lesser crimes.

"Here, these are the key cards to your rooms. Get them some rest as soon as possible, boss." As Machi handed the cards to Chrollo, you almost felt relief, if not for the prospect of the end of your freedom, but at least for a clean bed.

At simply a wave of Chrollo's hand, everyone that had been gathered stepped aside, and with his arm once again around you, the two of you quickly stepped inside, heading straight for the elevator.

"You'll be happy with us, I swear." It was all you could do to hum slightly in response, all mechanisms for formulating a response completely overloaded in your brain, standing beside him in the elevator as you were, no-one would have assumed how much adrenaline was pumping through your body in this moment.

As you finally arrived at your separate rooms, he walked you to the door further down the corridor to be your room, ensuring that if you were to try and leave the hotel, you would need to pass by his room first. In all honesty, it felt like overkill, but there was little you could do to complain at this point.

Chrollo was seemingly so cautious, that he felt the need to follow you right into the room, even as you finally took the initiative to step forward and away from him, he pulled you back one more time.

Finally releasing his hold, he sighed and stepped back, only feeling the need to speak once more, "Please, (Y/N), stay here. I'll make sure to get you up in the morning, and then we need to move again. I'm going to keep you safe... no matter what."

After he finally stepped away, and you were given a chance to fall into the bed provided, you at least had a moment to appreciate the softness of the bedsheets.

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Thanks for reading!

[mrpenguinpants]

Genshin: Royalty AU [V1]

I’ve been a hermit ever since covid dropped lol. Yes, you’re doing social distancing right. Imagine going outside? Ptff, what a weird concept. But I’m happy you’ve stuck around for so long despite the constant brainworms I have. Oho?? More crumbs 👀 Lemme just crack my knuckles real quick. I’m throwing a reader in just so I have an excuse to tag everyone haha. These are a lot more scuffy compared to my usual HCs but let me brainrot for a sec. 

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Genshin: Holding Hands [V1]

Genshin: When you’re cold [V1]

Genshin: University AU [V1]

Genshin: Roomate HCs [V1]

Genshin: Mythos AU - Cat Xiao

[Masterlist]

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[taglist] ��<- if you want to be added, please read this first.

@youaskedfurret​​ @diaxfeliz​​ @wintergreen-aix​​ @aethwie​​ @thegayrubberducky​​ @lovelykittycatmeow​​​ @yuunoagivesmelife​​ @dokidokisama @rokipersonal​​ @minakohasmanyhusbandos​​ @strwbrry-lia @tigerpriestess​​ @yuu-yuukurotsuki​​  @qimiie @onowie​​ @hanniejji​​​  @mikeysbike​ @unionwitch​ @musekala​ @sunnshiii​ @stanzastic​ @akaasea​ @xoneaboveallx @adoring-ghost @asheseiler @childelover @dilucsz​ @dai-tsukki-desu​ @thicmitten​ @nonniechan​ @htnicayh​ @genshins1mpact​ @morthecreator​ @aanne2601 @aklxojjk​ @fulltimeventisimp​ @legionqueensav​​​ @castinluckgamer​​​

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Zhongli

Your first impressions of Zhongli was that he was an egotistical and selfish brat. To be fair, you might have adopted some of those qualities yourself but you were both children at the time. Your sister, Guizhong, was tasked to take care of Zhongli in place of his parents which lead to your first meeting with the infamous Imperial Prince. At first, you were excited to finally meet someone who was the same age as you and Guizhong was always so kind. But when he turned to face you two, he just asked if Guizhong was supposed to be his concubine. You weren’t sure whether to gag or throw your shoe at him but Guizhong quickly intercepted before you could do anything that could get you killed. It’s only until you spent more time with him that Zhongli tells you that he has never had someone care for him or want to spend time with him without some alterative motive. 

Zhongli radiates sheltered child from birth. To outsiders, he seems really slow on normal everyday tasks but that’s because he’s never had to worry about doing mundane things. He’s always had someone else to do them for him that when he’s out in public, he just stands around and waits for someone to help him. It’s incredibly awkward for everyone in the situation when Zhongli forgets to bring mora and just stands off to the side until one of his servants comes to pick up his check. That’s how Zhongli got such a bad reputation of being a spoiled brat despite being a well-mannered and polite man. When he drops something he just turns to look at you, back at the object, then back at you. You have to pound it into your brain that no, Zhongli is not a lazy and he isn’t trying to be insulting, that’s just how he’s lived his life. When you tell him he is fully capable to picking things up, because what if he dropped something important when he was older and the wind swept it away, he pounders the thought as if you’ve just explained the meaning of the celestials to him that you give up and just pick it up for him. 

A Prince from Mondstadt named Venti used to come to Liyue for playdates while their father’s talked business and politics. He was the complete opposite of Zhongli but you genuinely liked him. While he was a bit more bolder and hyper compared to the calm and quiet Zhongli, he would always try and get Zhongli out of the palace and outside. You end up missing so many fun and interesting things when you’re locked up in your study room. How can the next Emperor care about his land when he doesn’t even know what it’s like to live there? It was the first time you and Zhongli went out just for fun and you might have gone a bit overboard in hindsight, but Venti’s personality and the feeling of freedom to do anything was addicting. Plus, watching Zhongli’s reactions to all these new feelings made him feel a bit more human. While you knew that Zhongli would do everything for Liyue, you never got the impression that his heart was in it. 

From then on, you and Zhongli try and carve some time out of his schedule to go down to the streets and have a little bit of a break. When you both built kites and scaled all the way to the mountains to fly them, it was the first time you’ve seen Zhongli be bad at something. He always had such elegance and perfection whenever his teachers asked him to do something but as soon as the kite took flight, it would stumble then come crashing down. Zhongli had the most heartbroken puppy expression on his face that you couldn’t help but burst out laughing. While you’re on the ground gasping for air and probably have the most ridiculous expression on your face, Zhongli smiles gently as he looks at you then back to Liyue. The moment is ruined when Guizhong comes running towards you both and scolds you for sneaking out. 

While it’s somewhat annoying when other attendants in palace gush about how well Zhongli is growing into becoming the next emperor, both in smarts and appearance, you have to somewhat agree with them in some places. If you want to know the history of Liyue or how to properly place a tea set, he can tell you in incredible detail. However, when it comes to social cues and interactions, he’s awful at them. Everything is treated a business deal that it makes everyone somewhat nervous or uncomfortable that you’re internally dying at any social event he goes to. But despite the awkwardness, he has a lot of admires that frequently send him letters of marriage or adoration that you have to shift through. It makes you a bit uncomfortable reading the flowery language but it surprised you a bit how many people have the misconception that Zhongli planning to have you as his spouse. When you mention this to Zhongli as a joke, he returns to his thinking pose and he contemplates the idea before nodding and agreeing with the letters. He proposes to you right then and there and it’s such a sudden development that your brain has finally broke and you pass out. 

Venti

Venti is one of those royalty types that spends so much time outside and away from his duties that he’s basically thrown his cape and crown to the wind. The first time Zhongli visited Monstadt, his first impressions of Venti were him singing to a crowd. While Zhongli doesn’t understand why Venti would spend his time on music rather than his studies, they still get along well. Mostly because Venti has a very easy going personality, even if he’s a bit blunt, but whatever comments he makes fly over Zhongli’s head. Unlike him, you’re the complete opposite. You’re a knight in training with an earnest heart that wants to protect the City of Mondstadt with your entire being. While you don’t necessarily hate Venti, because he never asked to be born into the royal family, you can’t help but get frustrated at his nonchalant attitude towards everything aside from alcohol and music. 

Your first meeting with him was during your time training under the Favonius Knights. You wanted to get a bit more practice late in the night when Venti stumbled upon you bullying a poor wooden dummy before he announces his arrival. He laughs a bit at your fumbling as you quickly get into a proper kneel but he waves it off saying it was unnecessary before he asks what you’re up to. You’re in mid-explanation when Venti cuts you off with a yawn and you can feel the irritation creeping up on you as you snap back why he’s outside instead of inside the safe walls of the castle. Your irritation grows even further when Venti smugly grins, patting himself on the back from getting a rise out of you, before he reaches into the bag you just noticed he was carrying to produce sheets of music. 

While his teacher’s drone on and on about the production of wine, he is busy writing songs in his textbooks. While he understands the importance of his role, he thinks the people can rule themselves just fine without his help. He wants to leave his crown and become a bard and live an ordinary but free life. How he’s always sneaking out to go explore without the world constantly breathing down his neck. Whether his posture is correct or if he’s memorized the history of berries wouldn’t matter. Honestly, Venti is weighing his options of either staying as a royal or leaving everything behind to pursue the life he wants. When he finishes his heart-felt speech he expects you to give him those same pitiful and woe is you eyes but you’re just angry. You can understand his sentiment, living a life that you never asked for isn’t fun, but suddenly packing your things and jumping ship would only cause chaos and conflict. At least have some sort of replacement before you leave damnit. 

Now it’s your turn to be surprised, rather than taking offense to you, a nameless knight, basically insulting the him, the Prince, he lights up in excitement. He rips his cape and crown off before he’s shoving them onto you before you can even say anything. He’s almost bouncing on his feet as he tells you that you can freely take his crown and become the next in line. You have no idea how that would work but he mentions that he knows a man named Albedo that can help change your appearance to look like him. That way, you get to protect the City you love so much and he get’s to live the life he’s always wanted. It’s completely fool proof with no flaws whatsoever! Except for the fact, that he is jumping way too far to conclusions, he’s shoving his responsibilities onto you, and most importantly, you don’t the first thing about Venti and how to act like him. 

Before you know it, Venti has dragged you to meet his Father to personally appoint you as his personal knight. He doesn’t take no for an answer even though you aren’t qualified at all to be protecting someone of high position as him but Venti’s always been a handful that someone needs to watch over him. You have no idea how one night managed to throw your entire life into this chaos but you’re not sure if you can even get out of this situation at this point. 

Kaeya

It all happened so suddenly. You and him were playing in the gardens when his father rushed in and took both of your hands and dragged you to the border to Khaenri’ah. The land you were both used to seeing, the friendly baker that would always give you both sweets, or the magic that used to flow so freely was transformed into red cubes. You were both scared and confused but as you both reached the border oh Khaenri’ah, a large gate that leads to the above world of Teyvat, his father tells you both to run as far as you could and never look back before he pushed you both in. It wasn’t until years later that you both discovered that a corrupted god had taken control of Khaenri’ah. Now, everyone believes that the Khaenri’ah prince is dead because he’s been missing for so long and whatever hope Khaenri’ah has is gone. For his own safety, he had to change his name to Kaeya and you both found yourself at the gates of Mondstadt. 

It took a lot of adjusting for the both of you but Kaeya especially. Your mother had dropped you into the care of Kaeya’s family for a short while before everything went downhill. She was a bit on the neglectful side but she was still your mother and you knew she was alive. On the other hand, Kaeya lost his entire family and nation in a single moment. Whatever pure happiness and bright personality he used to have quickly regressed until he was a shy and quiet kid. You know he blames himself for what happened even if there wasn’t anything he could have done but he’s grown a fear of outsiders so he tends to avoid other children his age. Instead finding comfort in playing with the funny looking abyss mages and slimes that are on the outskirt of Mondstadt. While he doesn’t seem bothered by the weird comments other people make of him, you know deep down he does get hurt, that it makes you so mad that you end up lashing out. 

You end up getting into a few fights as Kaeya patches you up. He scolds you and says that he doesn’t need you to go so far for him is when you make him a promise that you’ll protect him with everything you have. It’s the first moment since everything happened that he seems to gain back that life in his eyes. He blinks at you before he chuckles sheepishly and comments that you can’t even tie your shoes correctly do you stumble a bit. You’re a bit embarrassed at your sudden proclamation but stand determined about it. You both end up making a pinky promise to stay by each other’s side until the very end. 

When you’re both older and in the position of Captain and Teacher in the Favonius Knights is when he seems to be a bit more open. You both end up gaining a reputation of the laid-back Calvary Captain that bother’s the strict but kind Teacher. He’s always waltzing in the middle of you class to tease you before you end up throwing something at him to get him to stop embarrassing you in front of new recruits. You end up getting back at him with your woe is me acting and push all your paper work on him. Since he loves spending so much time in your class, he should know how to do all your paper work right?. Despite all of this, if anyone needs to find Kaeya or you, you’re basically a packaged deal. Always attached to the hip. 

Kaeya knows deep down, at some point he’s going to have to go back to Khaenri’ah and save his people but he’s conflicted. While he knows it’s selfish that he get’s to live a life of freedom, he wants to be selfish. Not just for him but for you as well. You’ve both basically lost everything and now that things are okay, he doesn’t want to give that up. While you both promised to stay together until the end, you’re the only person he has left and he doesn’t want to rope you into his mess or have you worry about him. He’s heard of the blond traveler in black and blue that is searching for the lost prince of an unnamed kingdom, knows that the peaceful life he has right now will come to an end, but he pushes it aside. Besides, there are more important things to attend to. Today might be the day he tells your students about how you fell into a lake because you got scared by a frog. 

Jean

Jean is incredibly dedicated to her role and to her people because she’s genuinely a good person and wants to see people happy. Especially her sister Barbara. She’s a bit awkward and clumsy in her execution but she has a lot of heart. Being her personal knight, you know just how hard she works and you admire her greatly for her ideals and nature. She has such a professional and gentle façe when she’s out in public but as soon as she’s behind closed doors, she’s collapsing into your arms as the world lifts for a short while. You chuckle a bit amused at how different she appears to the outside world, how the ever prime and proper Princess wakes up with a rat’s nest, how her favourite food is pizza, or how she throws these 7 inch heels out the window as soon as a ball is over. 

Due to Jean’s kind-hearted nature, when it comes to more pushy people she can’t seem to say no to. Travelers or citizens that think they can take advantage of the Princess is what makes your blood boil. While she isn’t stupid and knows that people are taking advantage of her, she wants to extend any help she can. Not for her public image but because that’s how she is. While it warms your heart that people like her exist, as her knight you can only let so many things slide. When some shady peddler tries to lead Jean somewhere, you’re already stepping in and smilingly sweetly as you grip the peddler’s hand in a death grip and not so subtlety say that he better have a good excuse for why he wants to drag the Princess away or there might be a problem. 

When Jean is overworking herself and nearing her breaking point is when you step in. You may be her knight but you’re also her friend and you know when it’s time to stop her destructive habits. She might complain and reassure you that she’s fine but you don’t accept that. If she was “fine” her temperature wouldn’t be the same level as a pyro slime and she wouldn’t have such dark circles under her eyes. It’s a simple bend and lift to carry her in your arms that she ends up stuttering before going pink and let’s you carry her to her room. While she’s screaming into her hands, you’re preparing medicine and everything she’ll need to make a full recovery. 

The hardest times for Jean is when her Father constantly pesters her to find a husband. Jean is an independent person and while yes, while being a workaholic isn’t against help, but she doesn’t believe she needs a husband just to make her entitled to rule her kingdom. Besides, Jean is secretly a hopeless romantic. You’re very tight lipped about secretly finding her love story books hidden under her bed unless you want to see her self-combust. You try your best to comfort her but there’s not a lot you can do for her situation other than offer words of reassurance and try and get her mind off things. While you’re patting her on the back she’s looking at you as if you’re the most oblivious person in the world. 

Albedo

Albedo is a renowned alchemist that helps royal families with their problems with the use of his intelligence and abilities in alchemy. Something that only a few people can do throughout Teyvat, you being one of them as well. At first, you had admired Albedo and his abilities and saw him as a bit of a role model for young alchemist. Until you actually met him in person. He’s pretty much an emotionless void of a person that he comes off as extremely unempathetic when he listens to the woes of royals. While you sort of agree, the problems that royal’s commission you for are completely ridiculous and selfish, he doesn’t have a moral compass and if he can benefit from it. He’ll do it, no matter how questionable it may seem. 

Maybe it’s because you have a little sister figure in your life to stir your moral compass but it still get’s you irritated. It’s always a joy to see Klee when you come back home from your travels that whatever bad mood you were in suddenly washes away. But when you knock on Alice’s door only to have it open to reveal Albedo holding Klee in his arms does your world come crashing down. Klee is completely ignorant to your internal screams as she scrabbles out of Albedo’s hands to give you a hug and take your hand in hers as she leads you inside. You can almost feel the inner workings of Albedo’s mind as he stares at you blankly as Klee shows you the new art she drew.  

You both don’t mention or talk about it even when you happen to cross each other’s paths outside or you both end up seeing each other at Alice’s home. It’s a bit funny to you, to the outside world Albedo seems so aloof and untouchable, and yet you’re here watching him get tired from chasing Klee around and trying to stop her destroying her home with her bombs. It almost makes you smug when Klee listens to you better than Albedo, it might seem a bit petty and small but you don’t care. He ends up getting back at you when he ends up one-upping you in front of the royal court. He does a quick scan of the room before his eyes land on you and he shoots you a small smug smile before his face returns to it’s neutral expression. You’re clapping along with everyone with the most strained smile you can muster. 

You manage to find out from Klee that Albedo enjoys drawing that the next time you see him, you ask if you could see him draw something or if he had sketches on hand. You’re fascinated by his drawings, more so than his actual research discoveries, as you look at the tiny details he’s managed to capture. Outside of Klee, no one’s really been interested in his drawings that he can’t help but feel a little flustered when you’re gushing about his work. It’s different from people praising his alchemist efforts, you’re not someone whose staring at him like he’s on a pedestal when you say you like his drawings, and it feels genuine. He offers a small smile and says that if you’d like, he’d love to show you some more sketches. 

You’ve never noticed it until other people bring it up but Albedo seems close to you. Usually once he’s done his business he leaves but if you happen to be around, he sticks around a bit longer just to speak with you. How he seems comfortable to relax in your presence and even leans in closer. How he complies with your requests without any benefit to him. You’re not sure what type of relationship you hold with Albedo. You don’t think you’re friends but you’re definitely closer than acquaintance. If taking care of a a hyper active walking bomb doesn’t bring two people closer than you don’t know what does. But at the end of the day, you find you don’t really care. Not everything needs to be labelled and categorized like things are in alchemy. People don’t seem to understand but you always duck out and escape before you’re questioned further about your personal life. Unbeknownst to you, Albedo is watching you go as he ponders your words. 

Childe

Childe is such a clown. He’s an assassin that doesn’t know the first thing about being subtle and is just in it for the fighting. He’s really just an incredibly egotistical bastard that likes being friendly with his targets, just to see their shocked expressions when it’s him that comes to take their life. He’s actually a pretty down to earth guy. While other assassins in the Fatui either have tragic backstories or some sad pitiful tale, Childe just laughs at them. His family is still alive and he’s never had any true hardships in his life. He’s pretty disliked for this reason but he’s a skilled enough fighter that it somewhat makes up for it. 

Just when Childe’s life is at its peak, is when he slips and falls into the abyss. For the first time, he had to face against a threat and in a situation he has no control over which is completely foreign to him. He barely manages to survive until he’s saved by an unknown figure that goes by the name Skirk. While he’s grateful he’s still alive, facing his mortality for the first time gives him a lot to reflect about. Thus he makes the impulse decision to train under Skirk and grow stronger until he’s able to climb out of the abyss. That’s when he meets you who was travelling with Skirk for the same reasons. Your first interactions with this unknown teen is him challenging you to a fight, just for you to throw him over your shoulder as if he weighed nothing. You expected him to get angry or cry but instead he’s standing right back up and grinning like a psychopath as he asks for another fight. You’re looking at Skirk with the most, are we seriously bringing this child with us? look. 

From then on, it’s been the three of you travelling through the floors of the abyss. Skirk tells you the stories of this place, how it used to be a great nation before corruption cause the citizens to be morphed and transformed into monsters. You and Childe learn how to fight alongside Skirk against these monsters until it ends up becoming a competition between you and Childe on who can kill the most monsters. Skirk is a bit worried that when you both are back into the outside world, if he should be worried about how morbid you both might appear. But while you’re both yelling at each other who actually landed the last kill on the regisvine while the hilichurls are cowering in a corner does he just accept that things aren’t going to change. The world will just have to accept it. If you both actually teamed up, and you have before, he thinks you both would be unstoppable but you’re both too stubborn. 

Despite your rivalry, Childe still has his big brother instincts that whenever you get hurt he’s huffing over you like a mother hen as he scolds you for being so reckless. You’re ignoring the fact that he’s bleeding out while you have minor cuts because you don’t want a crybaby Childe on your hands. Even the harsh conditions of the Abyss, you both find ways to entertain yourself. Childe always challenges you to a fight every second of the day and he always ends up with a sore back when you knock him off his feet. And he always makes the joke that you’re sweeping him off his feet which ends up with him screaming bloody murder as you charge at him. It doesn’t help when he’s still yelling comments behind his shoulder that you might get mistaken for a gorilla when you’re both outside that Skirk has gotten so used to this that he simply ignores the attempted murder going on behind him. 

When you’re both strong enough to climb to the gate of the Abyss, Skirk feels almost like a proud parent. Giving you a head pat and a hard slap to the back for Childe does Skirk wave you both off. You’re trying to mask your tears as Childe grins and promises to see you on the other side, that you’ll definitely meet up in the future no matter what. But when he finally returns to the Fatui, works his way back up to being an assassin, he almost thinks Skirk is laughing at him when he realizes that his first target is you. Not that he’s bothered by it, he'll be happy to see you again and see if he can finally beat you. 

Baizhu

Baizhu is the most suspicious doctor in the history of all doctors. Some citizens aren’t even sure if he’s a qualified doctor but alas, he’s very good at his job and is a lot more tolerable compared to the Alchemist Albedo so that’s how he’s been able to keep his job. He works under the Liyue emperor so even if citizens had issues with him, it’s not like they could do anything in the first place. People aren’t sure whether he’s joking or being honest when he explains what he’s been privately working on behind the scenes. From experiments to rituals, they are taken aback but Baizhu just smiles and says he’s just kidding. Being his assistant, you have to constantly reassure others that Baizhu is a bit of a sadist and likes to get a rise out of people. Besides, why would a doctor be so interested in those type of things? It’s incredibly unnerving but no one questions it. They won’t know what to do in the first place if their suspicious are correct. 

While Baizhu knows how to do his job, he’s always sending you to do the dirty work. From getting medicinal plants up on the very top of mountains or bringing cranky old men their prescriptions, whenever you’re done one task he’s got three more for you. He could at the very least take the trash out while he’s busy doing nothing. At least the job has a few perks. You’ve always had numerous health issues and while Baizhu’s reputation is a bit on thin ice, you wouldn’t trust anyone else to look you over. He’s a bit weird about it, you’re pretty sure Baizhu will never love another person emotionally but when it comes to the science behind a human body, he’s absolutely smitten. He tries to reassure you that he does care for the wellbeing of Liyue but you wave it off at him trying to butter you up before he asks something ridiculous of you. 

You and his snake, Changsheng, do not like each other. You think she’s an annoying and bratty snake that Baizhu needs to throw into a jar to shut up while she thinks you’re a complete nuisance and doesn’t understand why Baizhu keeps you around. Baizhu has tried to get you both to reconcile but it always devolves into a petty argument of back-handed insults until Baizhu has enough and tells you both to quiet down. To be truthful, both of your hatred towards each other stems from two completely different reasons rather than disliking each other’s personality, but you can never bring it up to Baizhu. It’s not a conversation anyone wants to have. 

If he has one positive, it’s his adopted daughter Qiqi who is just an absolute sweetheart. She’s shy and prefers to follow after Baizhu and you like a lost duckling. While Baizhu might be the worst boss in this history of all bosses, it makes you grin smugly internally when Qiqi chooses to stay cuddled in your arms instead of his. Qiqi is 95% the reason why you stay in this job, not that Baizhu would ever let you leave, because you’ve genuinely grown fond of someone for the first time the same way she has for you. You bring her along whenever you need to give prescriptions to citizens just so she isn’t stuck in within the same four walls and the locals love her. From her forgetful nature or how she shy’s behind your legs whenever someone new approach's you both. It’s so cute that people tend to ignore the floating rumours that Baizhu is reanimating his previously deceased family. 

---

I have no idea if I’m just uncultured or if “Always and Forever” Au’s are a thing. I hope you all like this 👉👈 it’s kind of messy and all over the place and I lowkey don’t know if I like my brainrot (there’s a lot of issues ik). I kinda want to do a part 2 where I include other characters but let me know if that’s something interesting? Oh and feel free to add to this, I’d love to hear your ideas. 

[neoculturetravesty]

We met in online class - Part 7

Image adapted from here.

Pairing: Renjun x Reader Genre: College AU, romance, angst, fluff Warnings: Strong language, descriptions of a shiner, a character gets Covid-19 Word Count: 7.3k

Navigation: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | You are on Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Last Part

A/N: I’m sorry for all the angst, you guys.

You only stop walking when you’re out of the apartment building. Eyebrows scrunched, face scowled like you were trying to hold onto the anger. But the more you had walked, the more you had realized that you couldn’t hold onto something that wasn’t there in the first place. It would be like holding onto smoke: futile and baseless. You weren’t angry. You stop moving to just breathe for a moment. And as the cool night air hits your face, you get a little more clarity in your thoughts. No, you weren’t angry. Not really.

Suddenly, you find yourself smiling to the sky and scoffing. Oh, how stupid. How stupid and how typical. This was classic you. Only this time, you couldn’t believe you had fallen for the broody artsy boy type. The kind of boy that blew hot and cold. The kind of boy that would keep you on edge and never like you as much as you liked him. God, you were such a cliché. Fuck, how embarrassing. So no, you weren’t angry. You were embarrassed. You had spent the last few weeks simping over a boy that never really liked you. God, you were so stupid.

‘The only reason I’ve kept you around for so long is because I wanted to get to your brother.’ His voice echoes in your head. 

Your friends had told you that you were doing way too much for a boy you weren’t even official with yet. You had literally spent the past couple of weeks running to him to dote on him. Bringing him food and checking up on him even though you were drowned in work, and making sure he was okay. And all this time, he had been using you. Oh, God. You were like the embarrassing second female lead in every drama ever. The kind that would bring cartons of milk to her crush in the hopes that he would like her back. Only you had actually believed that he liked you back. Oh, how embarrassing. 

‘Y/N, you are not my girlfriend. So stop acting like it.’

Oh, how freaking embarrassing. You had been acting like the girlfriend. But you had been the second female lead all along. 

You groan and make yourself keep walking. You didn’t want to be near his building anymore. Not where he could step out any moment and humiliate you some more for reading the signs all wrong. You keep walking as your phone keeps ringing. You don’t pick up. You wanted to put as much space between yourself and the building as possible. You walk and you walk till you reach the bus stop. And then you finally sit and take your phone out.

There are around 8 missed calls from Haechan as well as a string of texts. You sigh and hail a cab from an app before you get the spirit to read his messages.

‘Y/N, please pick up.’

‘Where are you???’

‘I can’t find you. Where are you???’

‘Pick uppppp’

‘Can you at least tell me where you are?’

‘I’m calling Yeri.’

That’s Haechan’s last message and you let out another groan. Why did he have to call Yeri? She was going to be worried for no reason. She was already under so much stress with her thesis. You didn’t want her to sit in the apartment and have all sorts of thoughts going through her head about what happened to you. So you text him back.

‘I’m just going home. Don’t worry.’ you write back. Not even ten seconds pass by before he replies.

‘How? You don’t even have your car! And you’ve been drinking.’

‘I called a cab. Don’t worry.’

‘Y/N, please tell me where you are? Let me take you home.’

‘The cab’s already here, Haechan. It’s fine. I’ll text you when I get home.’ you say as you get into the car.

‘No way. Share your location.’

‘The cab’s already moving.’

‘Okay, but share your live location so I know you’ve safely gotten home.’

You sigh and give into his wish. ‘Happy?’

‘I’ve shared it with Yeri as well.’

You groan again, making the cab driver give you a quizzical look through the mirror. ‘Haechan, please don’t bother Yeri.’

‘Text me as soon as you get home. I’m coming over first thing in the morning.’ 

‘Okay.’ you reply and sigh again, resting your head against the window because it felt like the sort of thing to do in this situation. But it only makes your temple awkwardly rattle against the glass as the car moves. How did people do this in dramas? Look so elegant as they pensively looked out the window? Because right now, you neither felt elegant, nor pensive. You just felt stupid. You feel your phone buzz again and see another text from Haechan.

‘You’re my best friend and I love you to the moon and back. Nothing changes that, okay?’ the message reads and suddenly, you feel tears brimming in your eyes. That’s the first time he had called you that. What a stupid boy he was, Lee Donghyuck. Why did he have to attack you like that with all the feels? Silly boy. Well, at least there was something that came out of this mess. 

How had you been so stupid? Renjun had practically told you of his motives on the very first date. He had told you that his lifelong wish was to get into Midnight fucking Arthouse. And instead of staying away, you had run to your brother the very same day to fulfil that wish. The thought chases away the tears that Haechan’s text had brought. You were so stupid. Even your brother had warned you.

“Y/N, I don’t trust his eyes.” Doyoung had told you that afternoon at the party. And you had laughed at him.

“What does that even mean?” you had rolled your own eyes at him, because really, you were watching Renjun into the distance as he talked to another artist. God, he looked so handsome, you had thought as you ogled.

“He just seems like he’s hiding something. He just seems like a guy who would have something to hide.” your brother had warned you and you had just laughed and joked it away.

“I mean, sorry to break it to you like this, big brother, but he’s a serial killer by night. The art student stuff is just for show because when people aren’t looking, his ass goes full Joe Goldberg in You.” you had teased your brother who had exhaled long and put his arm around you.

“Fine, fine. Don’t trust your big brother. Do what you want. I just don’t like him for you.” Doyoung had cut it out for your sake and you had cuddled into him happily because you were so giddy that day. Nothing could’ve spoiled your mood then because the boy you liked had just kissed you. He had held your hand and held your face and kissed you and kissed you and kissed you.

“Of course you don’t like him for me. You won’t like anyone for me because you’re my big brother.” you had baby-talked at Doyoung and cuddled him till he had ruffled your hair and pushed you away.

God, you were so stupid. Did everyone know but you? Could everyone see how he’d been using you? Had your crush on him really been so bad that it blinded you? Oh, how embarrassing. How fucking embarrassing. Well, at least the two of you weren’t official yet. That was a plus. Otherwise, there would’ve been a break up involved. Then again, that would mean that Renjun liked you enough to make you his girlfriend. Or that he would have gone so far as to exploit you like that. Would he have done it? You don’t even want to think about it.

You were fine, really. This was okay. It’s good that he cleared that you weren’t his girlfriend. This whole situation would’ve been sillier if the two of you were official. You chuckle as you enter the elevator of your building. You were fine. Everything that had happened was just a silly misunderstanding. You had just read the signals all wrong. You knock your knuckles on your head. Silly you. It was just a silly crush. You had just chased a boy you had a crush on and it hadn’t worked out. There was nothing wrong with that. These sorts of things happened all the time. You were fine. 

But Renjun hadn’t been just a boy.

He had been the boy of your dreams. He had been the boy that had smiled at you over his coffee cup on your first date and you had felt that he looked into your soul. He had been the boy who would wait outside your lecture hall with the most hopeful look in his eyes and you would melt because he wore that look for you. He had been the boy who had laid his head on your shoulder and opened his heart to you and you had thought that you would do everything it takes to give him the world. He had been the boy that had held your hand and made you feel so incredibly safe that day at your parent’s house that you had found yourself falling. He had been the boy who had taken you in his arms and kissed you so sweet that you had felt like flying. He had been the boy who would lay out in the sun next to you and you’d think that everything was alright. 

Renjun hadn’t been just some boy you had chased. You couldn’t lie to yourself like that anymore, even though you were trying. He had been the boy you had given your heart to. 

You don’t realize that your feet had carried you all the way home till you look up to the door opening on it’s own. And Yeri is standing there like she was expecting you.

“Haechan called me.” she says and you have no idea what she sees on your face because she says “Baby…” in the softest voice before she grabs her Lysol concoction and starts spraying you carefully.

You stand there in the doorway, watching her as she sprays at your feet and takes your shoes off for you with so much love. You don’t know what it was about seeing her face. But anytime you did, all your walls came tumbling down. You could never hide from her.

She looks up at you and whatever she sees makes her speed up her sanitizing ritual. And you realize your shoulders are shaking. You feel the wetness on the tops of your cheeks. You feel the scrunching between your brows. You hear your breath coming out in sniffles. It probably looks like the strangest scene in the world. You, standing there unmoving, looking at her as you crumble in the doorway. And her looking back at you worried, and hurriedly soaking you in Lysol.

Yeri takes your hands in hers and sanitizes them, then takes your purse from you while you do nothing but just stand there, looking at her. She takes your jacket off and then your mask and then finally kisses your cheek and pulls you into her arms. She holds you and kisses your forehead and strokes your hair.

“You will always have me, okay?” she tells you and this time, you’re fully aware that you’re sobbing. Because she puts an arm around you and walks you to your room. She lets you cry as she takes your makeup off for you and brushes your hair. And you watch her attending to you with so much love in her eyes, that for a moment, you’re not sure what’s making you cry. Your broken heart, or her pure, unadulterated love for you.

For as long as you could remember, this girl had been there for you through all your highs and lows. She hadn’t just been a friend. She had been more like a sister. Come to think of it, she had been more a parent to you than your actual parents. You could never hide from her. So when she puts you to bed, you cuddle into her and cry when you tell her,

“I really liked him, Yeri.” Because what was the use of lying to yourself or anyone else? You liked him. You had unabashedly, completely and without any sort of a restraint given him your whole entire heart. And he had broken it. This was something that had happened. So why would you deny it? You had been hurt so you were going to cry to your heart’s content. That’s what people do when they have been hurt.

“I know, baby girl.” she strokes your hair and holds you and kisses the top of your head and your eyes go to your nightstand. You see things that would look like trash to other people. But to you they were the most important treasures.

A paper napkin folded up into an origami crane. Renjun had made it on your very first date.

A can of coke, flattened and leaned against your nightlight. Renjun had drunk from it the first time he came over to your apartment.

A scrap of paper taken from a notebook in a photo frame. Renjun had doodled on it one day as you two had waited for class to begin.

A daisy, pressed and preserved in a little glass disc. Renjun had randomly plucked it from the grass and given it to you as you two had lazed about. It was the first flower he had given you.

God, you were such a sentimental hoe. This boy had broken your heart and you had kept his trash in your room, right on your nightstand so his would be the last thought on your mind as you went to sleep. Realizing that just makes you cry more.

“It’s okay, baby. Your heart’s been broken so you’re going to cry. It’s okay to cry.” Yeri coos at you, echoing your own thoughts. But somehow hearing it from her makes it more soothing. She was right. You had liked a boy and he had broken your heart. It had happened. You were going to cry. 

So you laid in Yeri’s arms and let her comfort you. Even Galbi the asshole had joined your pity party as he sat on top of your head and purred, as if he realized you needed comforting and all the purring was going to heal whatever hurt you were feeling. You laid and you cried and you cried till you were all cried out and sleep was taking you.

“That is a shiner.” you say, eyes wide.

“Mhmm. It’s my mark of honor.” Haechan smiles his smug, annoying smile as he leans back in his chair.

The library was emptier than usual, because really, exams were over for most students. So people that lived in and around campus were basically using it as a common room.

“I mean, it’s a shiner as big as I’ve ever seen.” you say, leaning over and lightly tracing the hues of red, purple and black under your friend’s eye. And he just sits there, chin jutting out, smiling broad, proudly allowing it to be touched like a trophy.

“It’s the outcome of me being the biggest little shit, so it goes with the vibe.” Haechan says and you make a face at him.

“Honestly, I’m surprised it took someone so long. Lowkey impressed that you’ve avoided these so far, despite being that professional little shit.” you lightly press the pad of your index on a particularly discolored area and watch as he moves away.

“Guess I’d just been looking for the right reason to get one.” he says, still wearing the smug look on his face. But he must have noticed a change in your expression because he gives you a look of disapproval. 

“Hey, stop that.” he snaps at you.

“Stop what?” you retort defensively.

“Stop it with those sad puppy eyes. I don’t like it.” he almost scolds.

“I’m only sad because it’s making you look uglier than usual.” you reply pouting.

“Please. It’s making me look sexier than usual.”

“If ugly was the new sexy, then sure.”

“Yo, he’s not ugly, he’s just not in his moment right now.” he pouts and nothing on Haechan’s face says that he’s joking which somehow makes it funnier.

“What’s that even supposed to mean?” you wanna smack him on the head.

“It means that you need to give it till tomorrow to finally see it in it’s full bloom.” he says with the most satisfied look on his face but it deflates you. Shit. This wasn’t even the worst of it. He was probably going to look worse in the next couple of days.

Haechan sighs because you figure he finally sees that this conversation isn’t exactly making you feel any better. So he addresses the elephant in the room.

“He’s an asshole.” he says simply.

“Haechan…” you stop him because honestly, you didn’t really want to talk about it anymore, especially not with him. You didn’t want to be that person that makes mutual friends pick a side. Besides, Renjun had been right. They were technically his friends. But they were also your friends. This was a hot mess already and you didn’t want to add to it.

“I’m only saying it because it’s true. But, also, Y/N…” he’s taken your nickname and his voice has suddenly gone small and so apologetic that you look up, just to check if he’s the one talking. Your stupid friend had a way of never reading the room and keeping up his joking antics no matter the circumstance. So hearing his voice do that got your attention to say the least.

“I, uh…” he goes on and he looks like he’s uncomfortable, like he’s trying to find the words to break some bad news. “He’s an asshole and all, but… I’m kind of the one that put that idea in his head in the first place.” he fesses up and finally meets your eyes.

You jump a bit as you see a strong arm reach over your shoulder and set down a coffee cup on the table with a resounding thud. Jeno has appeared as if on cue and he now has those arms crossed over his chest as he pins Haechan down with a death stare.

Haechan looks up at his audience of two and decides to address the boy that stands there looking like he would most likely complete his shiner set. “I just told him Y/N was Kim Doyoung’s sister! You know he had been dying to get into Midnight Arthouse! And Y/N was the one that asked him out! Didn’t you, Y/N?” he looks at you with eyes that plead for help “I only told him he should accept her date, I promise. But yes, it was my stupid idea and fuck, I wish I could take it back. I’m an idiot and I deserve whatever you want to do to me, Y/N.” he holds his hands up as if in surrender as he watches Jeno’s cold expression and your unreadable one. 

You reach your hand over towards him and watch as he closes his eyes and braces to perhaps be punched in the face again. But you don’t punch him. You ruffle his hair.

“Don’t do it again, okay?” you scrunch your nose at him and give him a smile to put him out of his misery.

Heachan lets out a long, dramatic exhale that finally matches his true personality. “Cross my heart and hope to die.” he says, actually crossing his heart over his chest and he looks up at Jeno to seek his forgiveness as well. 

Jeno’s expression has softened and he’s smiling, almost as if he had expected this confession and its outcome. He was always more perceptive than he let on. Although his arms are still intimidatingly crossed over his chest as he says

“Follow me to the rooftop, Lee Donghyuck.” 

“Yes, yes, I know I deserve it, because I know she’s your childhood friend. But she’s my best friend now and if she’s forgiven me, then--”

“--you’re a piece of shit.” Jeno declares and takes a seat next to you, laying out the rest of the breakfast he got. You snigger and hug onto his arm, as if to thank him for... everything. You and Jeno had never been one to talk things out, but an advantage of being friends for so long was that you didn’t have you. He would understand what you mean, even though all you’d done was held and leaned into his arm.

Haechan looks at the two of you fondly and waits a couple of beats. His voice is soft and empathetic when he says, “He probably didn’t mean those things he said, you know? He was drunk.”

“We were all drunk.” you agree, tracing your finger over your coffee cup.

“He’s an asshole, but… he likes you, you know?” Haechan says and suddenly, you can’t look anybody in the eye anymore. You don’t want to say anything either, because you’re afraid your voice would give you away. 

So you purse your lips and take a deep breath before you say “Yeah, well… it doesn’t really matter now, does it?”

“I’m going to kick his stupid ass.” Haechan mutters but it only makes Jeno chuckle.

“You mean when you’re not too busy getting your ass kicked by him?” he pokes fun while he feeds you a bit of his croissant. And despite everything, you find yourself laughing out loud.

“Hey! I could totally take him down if I wanted to. I was just holding back.” Haechan puffs his chest and Jeno smiles wider, shaking his head.

“Ugh, you know what. We’re on semester break. We’ve literally been waiting for this time. Let’s just chill before I have to leave.” you declare.

Haechan snaps and points his finger at you. “That is the right attitude, Y/N L/N.”

After that, he goes on and on, talking nonstop about everything you could do while you didn’t have classes, doing the most to make it up to you. You listen to him fondly as you happily enjoy breakfast with your friends.

Down the rows, Renjun had walked into the hall, hoping the library could be his sanctuary for the day. How very wrong he was. Because now, he just watched into the distance as you reach out to ruffle Donghyuck’s hair and Jeno smiles down at the two of you. Unbelievable. Renjun turns on his heel right away and leaves. Because this was unbelievable. 

How come Lee Donghyuck came out of this situation unscathed? It was his stupid idea to begin with. Renjun had been happy living his life normally till Donghyuck encouraged him to date you. So how come neither you nor Jeno were mad at him? Renjun was the only one that came out of this as the bad guy. And everyone else just continued on to be one big happy fucking family.

Last night, Jisung had left to stay over at Chenle’s, and Renjun assumed it was so he didn’t have to be in the same room as him. He hadn’t seen Jeno, and it was probably because he had woken early morning to have breakfast with you. The only one of his friends that Renjun saw this morning was Jaemin. But the only thing he had said before he walked out the door was that he was spending the day with his girlfriend and won’t be home either. 

It seemed like everyone around him was doing their best to avoid him. He felt like a dementor. Like he was putting out lights wherever he went. Like he was draining hope, peace and happiness out of everyone that came in contact with him. That’s perhaps why his friends wanted to stay away from him.

There was maybe some advantage to that. Renjun wanted to be alone. You had pretty much stolen all his friends. It was clear that they had taken your side in all of this. No one had wanted to know what Renjun was going through. But they were all too concerned about the poor little rich girl. It’s why they were with you this morning and not him. Poor little rich girl that got her heart broken by Renjun the asshole. Of course, no one would want to know the other side of the story, Renjun thinks bitterly.

What was the other side of the story, anyway? That you had been too kind to him? That you had been thoughtful and understanding? That you made so much effort to be a part of his life, and he had made none? That you had put a word in with your brother right after you had first met Renjun, before your relationship had even begun? 

You had done everything in your power to make Renjun look like the bad guy. And he realizes that this was precisely the reason he never wanted to look at you ever again. Renjun feels nothing but bitterness in his heart. He had spent all those weeks exploiting your feelings for him. Making you believe that he was interested in you so he could get close enough that you would introduce him to your brother. But all of it had been for naught. Because you didn’t need a relationship or a reason to be kind to people. You had just heard Renjun’s dream and fulfilled it that very same day you had met him. You had granted him his biggest wish whilst wanting nothing in return, expecting nothing back. You had put him in your debt. And he hated you for it.

Renjun needed a break. Because his life seemed to be throwing him more curveballs than he could possibly manage. He wanted to reverse it all. Go back to the time when he hadn’t met you. He should’ve turned you down during that ill-fated online class. Then none of this would’ve happened. 

But almost as if the heavens wanted to give him a cruel reminder that all of it, in fact, had happened and he, in fact, had exploited you, he gets a phone call. Whilst he can barely make out the number through his cracked screen, he recognizes the voice right away.

“Huang Renjun!”

“Kim Doyoung.” Renjun replies automatically, because his mind is still processing the irony of it all.

“I have a proposition for you.” Doyoung goes straight to the point and Renjun realizes that he’s not talking to him as your brother right now. He’s talking to him as the owner of Midnight fucking Arthouse.

“Uh, okay?” Renjun says and almost instantly regrets it. He should’ve said something more professional, but he has to admit he has been caught off guard.

“Can you come meet me at the studio in an hour?” he states more than he asks. And Renjun gets the feeling that this man hasn’t been told ‘no’ enough. At least not in this context.

“I… I can.” Dammit. Why wasn’t Renjun able to put more than two words together today?

“Great. Let’s have a lunch meeting at my studio.” Doyoung once again states. Renjun would usually be annoyed when someone was this imposing with him. But for some reason, Kim Doyoung’s boss voice is working on him. 

“Okay, see you in an hour.” Renjun says and he’s glad he’s spoken a full sentence this time.

“Great. Oh, and Renjun?”

“Yes?”

“Bring your portfolio along.”

Renjun doesn’t know how long he sits there. The steak that was served to him in a pretentiously off-centered plate remains mostly untouched. Because Renjun couldn’t keep more than two bites down. Not when Kim fucking Doyoung was standing up and flipping through his portfolio without a sound. 

This portfolio was Renjun’s lifelong work. Who knows how long he had spent on each piece. Some day, when he had the time, he was going to calculate the number of man hours he spent on building the whole damn thing. And then calculate how many days, weeks or months it amounted to in total. Because the way Kim Doyoung was flipping through it without much care minimized his life’s worth to mere seconds. He had spent hours and hours on each work and Kim Doyoung didn’t even spare more than half an eyeful on each piece.

And not a single word. 

Doyoung seemed to be a different person at work than he had been at the party at his parent’s home. Here, he was the Kim Doyoung, and for a moment, Renjun could finally see how he might have risen all the way up to the top. Because every single minute of his life was accounted for. From the moment Renjun had walked in, all he could see was how his assistant kept pushing him from one task to the other. He hadn’t even spent too long on pleasantries before he took Renjun to his office for lunch. And if he thought that lunch for Doyoung would be a time of peace, he was wrong. Because he ate quickly and Renjun couldn’t possibly meet his speed. He supposed that’s how successful people ate. Because every minute they ate was every minute they were not making money. Renjun was only halfway through his lunch when Doyoung had gotten up and started going through his portfolio.

And Renjun hadn’t been able to take a single bite since. His stomach was in knots. He felt small, sitting here in this grand old office in one of the biggest arthouses of the country. Weirdly, Renjun finds himself internally smiling at the fact that Doyoung had called this place a studio. Because, no way. The place that Renjun interned at was a studio. This was a fucking art museum and nothing less. 

A finalizing shut of the portfolio is what breaks Renjun out of his thoughts.

“Okay, Huang Renjun, I’m going to cut to the chase.” Doyoung says and Renjun sits up straighter, his eyes and ears attentive and open. “I need new artists for the 2021 Midnight Arthouse Annuale. Every artist that I’ve ever introduced in spring has gone on to become a best seller by winter.”

Of course he knew that. Renjun could name every single artist that had gotten that exposure. But hearing it straight from the man that gave it to them was making goosebumps run down his spine.

“I’ve got two spots to debut artists that no one has ever heard of. And someone put in a very convincing word for you.” he says and Renjun feels his stomach do a flip before it drowns in guilt, because he knows that the both of them know who that someone is. “But I’m going to be honest with you. Nothing I see in here is worthy of the Annuale.” he says plainly. Renjun looks up. His heart drops.

“Um… nothing?” Renjun asks stupidly. Suddenly, he doesn’t feel like the big man that had punched someone in the face from an inflated ego the night before. He feels like the little fish in a sea of big fishes. He feels like someone is finally showing him the mirror and telling him exactly what he’s worth in the context of big names and big opportunities. And it’s a humbling and sobering experience. Because Renjun feels his hangover dissipating. 

“This is basically an art student’s portfolio. What you’ve shown me is essentially a series of assignments you’ve made for your professors. Nothing is inspired. Nothing has vision. Nothing in here jumps out at me and tells me who Huang Renjun is.” Doyoung is speaking to him straight up. No niceties. No filters. He’s speaking to him like the owner of a huge motherfucking company and nothing less.

And maybe someone had to speak to Renjun this way and deflate his ego, so he could finally open his eyes to the real world. Because Renjun doesn’t feel angry or broody or venomous over these words. He feels like he has been sobered. He finds himself agreeing with everything that has been said. Like he’s opened his eyes for the first time and finally seen what he’s actually like without his ego or conceit filtering his vision. He was absolutely right. Kim Doyoung had been the one to tell him this before. But sitting here in his huge fucking office, in a building where he was surrounded by art that was in every way better than his… it puts everything in context, and Renjun finally realizes that he had been right all along.

“So, here’s my proposition.” Doyoung begins. “Make me something worthy of the Annuale. And I’ll help you make your debut.”

Renjun’s eyes widen. His mind races. He didn’t have much time. And the stakes were too high. How could he possibly make the best work of his life, the work that would help him launch his dream in a span of two weeks? It wasn’t enough time.

Then again, this was the opportunity of a lifetime. This was make or break. So Renjun doesn’t even think much before he replies “I’ll do it. I’ll show you.”

Doyoung smiles. “I had a feeling you’d say that. In that case, I have another meeting to go to. But my assistant will help you sort out the details. I’m sure you’ll understand.” he says, already getting up and putting his jacket on. 

Renjun stands with him. He doesn’t believe it. Suddenly, this opportunity feels too big for his breaches. But it’s there for the grabbing. And he could only ever miss the shot he never shoots. 

Yet somehow, Renjun also feels like he’s about to make a deal with the devil. Is this how the unassuming hero feels in movies when he’s made an agreement with the mob boss? Renjun reckons it comes close. He’s not sure whether to shake hands or to bow in these situations. So he stands there awkwardly and does neither as Doyoung walks to his door.

“My assistant will be in contact with you. I look forward to seeing your masterpiece.” he smiles a loaded smile and in that moment, Renjun decides that your brother was nothing like you. 

“Oh, and Renjun. The theme is ‘The Past Year’ but don’t tell anybody that.” he smiles and Renjun nods as Doyoung takes his leave. He’s not sure why he’s been given that extra bit of information. He’s not sure if that pointer has come from Kim Doyoung of Midnight Arthouse or Y/N L/N’s older brother. It is a bit of a mindfuck, but Renjun tries not to dwell on it too much. He had to leave his intellectual capacities free for his bigger purpose.

Renjun looks up to see Doyoung’s assistant smiling professionally at him. “Would you like a tour, Mr. Huang?” she says and Renjun once again gets the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory feels he always got around your family’s grandeur. But this was more than riches. This was art from people Renjun had admired and closely followed. Maybe this would give him some inspiration and put him in the right headspace.

“Yes, please.” Renjun says a bit too eagerly before he is led outside.

It is once again, a humbling experience. Renjun had already seen most of the work displayed here in one form or the other. But watching it with the naked eye and up close was a different experience altogether. The art here was in a different league and now Renjun starts to understand what Kim Doyoung had meant. None of Renjun’s existing works came close to what he was seeing displayed right here. He had thought Midnight Arthouse was some sort of a viral launcher. The kind of company that only looked for social media sensations rather than trailblazers and actual talent. But Renjun realizes that he had been massively underestimating them. Kim Doyoung knew what he was doing. Renjun did not. 

All this time, Renjun had walked the earth with a chip on his shoulder. He had been envious of everyone who ever did better than him. He had resented every artist that had risen to fame for reasons Renjun could not understand. He had judged every person ever who was well connected enough to rise to the top. 

And now, standing here in the majesty of Midnight Arthouse’s proud displays, all Renjun feels is small. Like he’s been served a slice of humble pie. For the first time in a long time, Renjun feels inspired, but not from a place of envy or jealousy or bitterness or vengeance. He feels inspired to make the most out of the opportunity that his life had given him. Because who was he to judge anyone that used connections when he was standing here doing the same? The mere fact that he, a junior in college had gotten a meeting with Kim Doyoung over lunch in his office while his assistant was personally showing him around… that was proof that Renjun had become one of those well-connected people.

Renjun’s initial feeling had been right. This was a deal with the devil. Because Renjun had paid a pretty big price for it. His stomach feels queasy. Was it only last night that he was going around throwing punches and being a general asshole? He doesn’t want to think about it. Because then he’d be forced to remember the faces of all his friends, and he didn’t want to revisit that memory through the lens of a deflated ego and a dissolving hangover. So Renjun is almost thankful when Doyoung’s assistant speaks to him.

“Are you ready for some paperwork? Just some general entry applications and agreements.” she says, still smiling that strictly professional smile.

Renjun takes a deep breath in. He feels unprepared, yet ready. He was going to take this opportunity. Or everything he had done this past year would have been for naught. 

“Let’s do it.” Renjun says, nodding.

“Great. Follow me.” she says and Renjun starts walking. Each step forward feels like a heavy, purposeful and loaded step towards his future. Here it was, a few strides away from his grabbing. Forget the past year. His whole life had been amounting to this moment. 

Every stroke of his brush had led him here. Every drop of his sweat. Every sleepless night. Every decision he had made. Every heart he had broken. Every friend he had lost. 

Renjun was walking towards his goal a man with nothing left to lose. And he had heard that they made the most dangerous men. His future was two strides away now. Two more strides and he’d be one step closer to achieving his life goal.

But when he’s about to make the final stride, Renjun receives a phone call that shatters his entire world as he knows it. 

And in that moment, he turns on his heel and runs faster than he ever had in his entire life. The future that was so close that he could almost taste it, now becomes smaller and smaller as it fades into the background behind him. Because Renjun had run in the opposite direction and left it in his dust.

Renjun pushes through the doors and doesn’t even absorb the pain he should be feeling in his shoulder from the force of the contact. 

“Where is she!” he yells. He doesn’t feel like a person. Because how much could one person take, anyway? How many times could he be beaten down by the universe before he would fall to his knees and beg to be spared?

He looks around and finally spots the man he calls his father standing near a watercooler, talking to someone he doesn’t recognize. So he has no care about rushing up and getting in his face. Because what more was there left to lose?

“Where is she?” he yells at his face. His father nods a farewell at the unassuming man before he turns to his son.

“In the isolation ward, Renjun. Where else would she be?” his father says and his voice is so calm that Renjun wants to grab at his collar. But he takes in a deep shaky breath to calm himself. It doesn’t happen. So he finds himself yelling again.

“How did this even happen! She hasn’t even been outside her house this entire time!” Renjun is trying so hard to hold back the tears of rage. But they’re threatening to explode any minute now.

“What does it matter how she got the virus? It’s a global pandemic. She has it now, like thousands of people around the world. The doctors are doing all they can.” his father says and if Renjun had been in his right mind, he would’ve realized that this was the first time he had spoken to him in over a year. But all he could think of right now was so what if others had it? So what if every fucking person in the world had it? How dare his father say that? 

“How are they doing all they can when she’s on fucking life support?!” Renjun growls through his teeth and he’s inhaling sharp breaths to keep himself from breaking.

“Your mother is with her, Renjun. The best you can do now is pray.” he replies and Renjun wants to hit him. He wants to punch that holier than thou look off his face. His grandmother was probably on her last breath and his father had the audacity to ask him to pray.

“I have to go see her. I have to take care of her.” Renjun turns and looks around, breathing heavily before he begins to move. But his father grabs at his arm.

“You can’t see her, Renjun. Are you even listening to me? Your grandmother is in the isolation ward. There’s only one family member allowed and your mother is it.” he has raised his voice at him.

“She doesn’t know! She doesn’t fucking care about her! I’m the only one who knows! I have to be there with her!” Renjun shouts at him and he’s only acutely aware that he’s sobbing because his words are loud but inchoate. 

“Renjun. Son. There’s nothing we can do.” his father shakes his head at him and watches with his mouth open as his son sobs and barges to the door like a madman. Because Renjun will find a way to get to her. No one cared about her like he did. No one loved her like he did. It had always been him and his grandmother against the world. He needed to be there for her. But the hospital staff is grabbing at him and pushing him out while his father watches from a distance like a helpless man. 

Renjun is barely aware that he’s doubling over because his tears are blinding him or that he’s been led outside because the cool air is hitting him. He gets up to charge back in but his resolve is so much weaker now and he feels another hold around him, keeping him back. 

"Renjun I'm so sorry. Your mother called me. I don't think she knows about us." Yoo Jimin whispers softly as he falls to his knees. She crouches next to him and puts her arms around him.

And in this strange, awful moment, Renjun finds himself realizing that the arms that are holding him aren't the arms that he wanted. The arms that are soothing him and holding him while he cries into the ground are not the arms he craved.

He wanted the arms that had held him that one night while Renjun had laid his head on their shoulder and bared his heart for the very first time. He wants the arms that had enveloped him and had, for at least a moment, made everything alright. He wanted the arms of the person whose heart he had cruelly broken.

Copyright © 2021 NeoCultureTravesty. All rights reserved.

[mintelepathy]

"You are my safe place"

idol!jimin x reader/oc

word count: +1.2k

summary: oc goes to their home country, gets stuck there because of quarantine, and then finally goes back to korea without telling jimin so oc could surprise him.

FLUFF so much fluff

masterlist

Getting stuck in your country because of quarantine wasn’t in your plans when you went to visit your family earlier this year.

At first you were going to stay there for a month, but from one day to the other your flight back to Korea was cancelled, and the president had decided to implement a strict quarantine due to the increase of covid cases.

Everything was a mess and there was nothing you could do.

The worst thing was that this happened all of the sudden, and maybe if you had known beforehand you could have moved your returning date forward.

“You still don’t know when are you coming back, do you?” you watched him through the screen of the phone.

Even though you were at the other side of the world, and it was hard for Jimin and you to find the right time to facetime each other, you made it work.

Even if that meant that one of you had to stay awake late at night you’d always find some time for each other. Your times zones were so different that every time you texted him he would text you back hours later because either he was sleeping or working, and the same happened when he texted you, you were either sleeping or.. yeah sleeping.

You’ve been talking for an hour straight now and he was the one awake at 3 in the morning.

You noticed how tired he looked and somehow you felt guilty for talking too much and making him stay with you on the phone for so long.

“Sadly there’s no news, but I’ll let you know if something happens”

That was a lie, you actually had some good news, actually great news but you didn’t tell him because you wanted to surprise him.

Tomorrow at that very right moment you’d be sitting on a plane.

A few hours ago you’ve received an email which said that the permission you requested was accepted.

This permission allowed you to fly out of the country, and it was only possible because you had a reasonable motive to ask for it. Of course you mainly wanted to come back because you missed your boyfriend, but there were lots of important things you had to take care of in Korea, such as the new job you'd be starting in two months.

“You know what I’ve noticed these past few weeks you haven't been here?” you watched him as he rested his cheek in the palm of his hand.

“Tell me” you copied his action.

“I’ve realized how important it is to me to have you physically here” you raised your eyebrows twice and smirked at him just to tease him.

“You dirty minded” he smiled and tilted his head “but seriously, most of the time when I arrive from work you are always there waiting for me, and now when I get home it just feels so empty, or every time I wake up and turn around I hope to see you there sleeping besides me, but then I remember you are not here, and the list goes on and on” you pouted at his words.

“You don’t have idea how much I miss those things too, and I have something to confess too” he nodded and waited for you to tell him.

“You know how bad my experience with my ex-boyfriend was, sorry to mention him, I won’t go deeper into the subject because you already know but‐” you took a second to breath in before continuing, you always felt a lump in your throat every time you mentioned him. “but what I’m trying to say is that after him I was so afraid to try it again with someone else, I was so scared to get hurt, and then I met you, and you showed me in so many different ways how real love is, of course I’ve experience love before with family or friends, but I’ve never felt the same way I feel with you with anyone else and it’s just so beautiful. You are my safe place Jimin”. You didn’t notice you were tearing up until now.

Jimin couldn’t stop smiling at you. “You are also my safe place babe, I’m trying so hard no to cry right now, shit. I hope you can come back as soon as possible” you let out a chuckle.

“Me too babe, me too..”

———————————————————————————————————————————————

It’s been more than two weeks since you last facetimed Jimin and more than two weeks since you arrived.

You told him your phone fell and your camera stop working so he wouldn’t find out you were already in the same country as him, and it seemed he didn’t suspect anything.

You would phone call him every day anyway.

You wished you could have seen him as soon as you got there, but you were a responsible person and you didn’t think of breaking the safety protocol for covid, you also got tested and the results came negative so now you were more than ready to finally see him.

The only person who knew you were already there was Hoseok, and he had texted you earlier saying that him and Jimin were going to their dorm after practice so you could go and surprise him later.

You were so excited to finally see him, that was for sure.

A few hours later you’ve received the message you were waiting for. Hobi and Jimin were already at the dorm and it was time for you to go.

Hobi told you to let him know when you were there to help you go through security, and that’s what you did as soon as you got there.

He was so fast to welcome you that you were already greeting him with a small hug.

“Jimin is in our room watching videos of cats on his phone, I’ll let you have your moment alone” you couldn’t stop thanking him.

You felt your stomach spinning as you walked in, you were so nervous, but not in a negative way. They were happy nerves if that made sense.

The door was closed and you didn’t know if you should just open the door and run towards him, or knock at the door. You went for the second one because it was the safest considering you can cause him a heart attack.

You knocked five times.

“Come in” you heard him shout but you kept insisting and knocked five more times.

“Hobi hyu‐ WHAT THE HELL?” he opened his eyes so big, like he was trying to see if you were actually standing there in front of him, if you were actually real.

“Surprise!” you opened your arms at him.

He didn’t waste a second and embraced you so tightly and hard that you ended up falling to the floor.

“I can’t believe this is real, am I dreaming right now?” he pinched himself and you couldn’t help but laugh at his reaction, he was so shocked and happy just like you.

“Totally real Park” you kissed him how you could because you weren’t in a really comfortable position.

He deepened the kiss as he helped you to place yourself on top of him. It was so much better now.

He suddenly turned you around and now your back was against the floor.

He started to give you small kissed across all of your face and then he put his arms around you to hold you tight.

You didn’t know for how long you’d stay like that but you did know that neither of you would let go.

[mrs-i-have-too-many-biases]

Stray Kids’ reaction to their S/O catching them stare

Scenario: You catch them stare.

Genre: Fluff/ Humour Pairing: Stray Kids members X Reader Word count: 2,3K Warnings: None. Author’s note: I was in highly need of some fluff and I think more STAYs are <3. Take care everyone! Priorities your mental health and your physical health of course and STAY safe!

Chan:

The two of you had entered a café, wanting to work together even though you both had a day off. You had to admit, the pair of you were workaholics, yet very supportive of one another and rather protective of each other’s health. Chan insisted on going on a date, but since there was a lot of work to do, you both brought your laptops along.

You had been sitting together in silence in a corner booth of the café, both concentrated on your own work as you sipped on your tea. Chan sighed after writing lyrics for a new song and stretched his tired body whilst looking at you. He smiled at himself when he saw your puffed cheeks and the small pout that were showing on your face.

He thereafter rested his and under his head for support as he unconsciously began to stare. He felt his chest warm up when he looked at you, the amount of love he felt towards you was almost overwhelming, but he wouldn’t mind drowning in it any day.

You were losing motivation and concentration to keep on working and decided to take a small break. Whilst taking your eyes off the screen in front of you, you could sense a pair of eyes watching you. When Chan shyly looked away from you and panicked to act cool, you knew you caught him staring. “What? Is my beauty that distracting?” You joked whilst wiggling your eyebrows. “Yes, very.” Chan mutters, causing your heart to flutter, leaning closer to him to press a kiss on his cheek, this time it was his heart that was fluttering.

Minho:

You had invited, well basically dragged your boyfriend to your auntie’s wedding. She was one of your favourite persons in the world, Minho of course being one of them. She had drunkenly dragged you later during the party onto the dancefloor, splitting your from your boyfriend. She had been dancing with you for a while as Minho was being bored by your other aunties who were almost having an interview with him as they bombarded him with questions.

‘What do you do for a living?’ ‘Do you earn much-‘ ‘Janice don’t ask that, don’t be rude… But do you?’

Minho was desperately looking through the crowd to find you and when he did, he felt the heavy feeling of bothersome fall off his shoulders when your smile caught his eyes. You were his instant happiness, a little happy virus that he needed in his life.

You didn’t notice your boyfriend staring at you as you continued to dance, but your still-wasted auntie did. She made eye contact and signed to Minho to take over the dancing. And before you knew it you felt a pair of hands around your waist, scaring you for a second until you heard Minho’s voice whisper in your ear.

“Enjoying yourself without me honey?” He pouted. “A little guess, you were as well watching me, but it’s always better when I’m with you.” You winked as you had turned around to dance with him, holding his hand before pulling him closer to your body. “Beautiful.” Minho muttered, making you blush as you playfully hit his chest and hiding your face in the crook of his neck. Leaving Minho bursting out in laughter.

Changbin:

Binnie had dragged you to the studio as he wanted to work on some projects a little longer. You had been home alone due to Covid and really wanted to get out of the apartment for a while. Seated on one of the leather chairs behind Bin you were munching on some chips he had quickly picked up from a convenience store across the road.

“Baby, can you listen to this for me? I don’t know how I feel about it.” Your boyfriend mutters before handing you the headphones that he was wearing before. Placing it over your head you listened to the beat that your talented boyfriend had composed.

Changbin in the meantime was waiting nervously for you to finish listening. He always thought that your opinion weighted heavily on his music. He wanted everything to be perfect and that you surely would love it, which you did either way.

He was caught up staring at you that he didn’t notice that you were already done and talking to him, giving positive feedback and telling him what you loved about the song already.

“Binnie?” “Y-yes! I was listening! Yes! Hi!” He stuttered, making you giggle. “You’re cute Dwaekki.” You teased, pinching his cheeks as they heated up after being caught. “Hush, you’re the cute one here baby.” He mutters, trying to hide his face in the palms of his hands shyly.

Hyunjin:

‘Let’s go on a date.’ He had suggested as it was your one-year anniversary.

You now were getting ready for the date, he had made reservations at your favourite restaurant and planned on taking Kkami with you. Whilst fixing your hair and applying a little makeup in your shared bedroom, you didn’t notice your boyfriend of one year entering the bedroom in the room next to you.

“Sweetie, do you know where my silk blouse is?” He had asked, peaking his head through the doorframe, expecting you to answer him. But silence filled the room instead as you didn’t hear him and he was stunned by your beauty.

Through the year he had been around with you, especially since the two of you decided quite early in your relationship to move in together, yet every time Hyunjin saw you getting ready, he was mesmerised.

To him you were an angle that was send from above and he couldn’t help but admire the beautiful creation he was blessed enough to call his. You caught his stares as you made eye contact with him through the mirror, causing the both of you burst out in giggles and only being able to make out gibberish in your flustered states.

“You’re so beautiful.” He whispered, kissing your hair whilst hugging you from behind. “Speak for yourself handsome.” You giggled before pressing your lips on his.

Jisung:

“Here’s your cheesecake!” You chirped, handing your boyfriend his plate as you sat down next to him. “You’re the best.” He cried out dramatically before pressing kisses all over your face, causing you to giggle. “I know, now shush and watch the movie Han.” You said, focussing your eyes on the screen in front of you after teasing Jisung, who couldn’t help but pout.

The movie wasn’t that thrilling to him and wandered his eyes off the screen rather often. They landed on you, who was fixated on Aladdin who was singing ‘A whole new world’ with Jasmine. The cheesecake that you held also made its way to your mouth every once in a while and Jisung smiled to himself as he watched you adopt yet another habit of his, which was stuffing his cheeks as he ate.

He had rested his head on the sofa that the two of you were sitting on as he continued to stare at you. He really had no choice. You were wearing his oversized hoodie and you looked more beautiful than ever to him. He never really liked extravagant dates with candlelight dinners every time he wanted to spend time with you. A big blanket, cuddles and some good snacks did the trick for him.

As Jisung was thinking about how much he loves you he didn’t notice that you had turned your head to him, wondering if he heard you after you cracked a joke. “Sungie?” No reaction. Causing you to giggle. “Earth to Sung?” You teased, waving your hand in front of his face, making him jump in his seat. “Take a picture baby, it lasts longer.” You snickered trying to hug him, as Jisung hid his face under the fluffy blanket.

Felix:

A visit to the dog café had become a weekly routine of yours and Lix.

He had pretty much become attached to the dogs, but since they couldn’t take care of them at the dorms due to work and other schedules, Lix made a promise to himself to visit them as much as possible.

And after he met you he had brought you along with him ever since. You really loved seeing him so excited to play with the dogs. It was almost like he had become a puppy himself. “I’m sorry have you seen my boyfriend, I can only spot these adorable puppies.” You had jokes once, making him burst out in heartily laughter. “Your loyal companion is here!” Lix would play along before skipping his way to you and surprising you with a tight embrace.

Today, you were seated, eyes fixated on the puppy in your lap, as Felix played with the others. His heart swelled at the sight of you babying the small creature on your lap, playing peek-a-boo with it. He felt a little jealous of the puppy as it was receiving more attention than he was from you, causing him to continue to stare at you.

Because he first of all really couldn’t take his eyes off the adorable scene, but also because he wanted to catch your attention. And when he did, he couldn’t help but feel shy and embarrassed when he saw you laugh at his flustered state. “Lix stop staring!” “Well! You’re giving that puppy more attention than to me! I’m your boyfriend!” He whined playfully. “Lix, have you seen these puppies, how could I possibly ignore them?” “I want to be like a puppy to you.” He teased, making you shake your head in disbelief of your ridiculously cute boyfriend.

Seungmin:

Your boyfriend, Seungmin, had a tight schedule today. And since you had a day off you decided to do something nice for him.

You cooked his favourite food, made sure that you had his favourite shows and movies ready to binge when he would come home from work. You brought him a small gift, knowing that he might be very exhausted and in need of something to cheer him up.

Seungmin in the meantime was longing to go home, filming the music video for their upcoming comeback was tiring and hard work, but to his surprise they finished earlier than he thought. The director was surprised as well at the scenes they shot perfectly at the first try, making the team feel proud of themselves and their hard work they always put into their craft.

Your boyfriend sighed in delight when he entered your apartment. He dropped his bag and took off his shoes as he called out your name. No responds. Instead, he heard music and singing come from the kitchen. He didn’t think too much of it, assuming that your playlist was playing.

But he was surprised to hear the notes coming from your mouth as you sung along perfectly, leaving your boyfriend stunned as he stared at you in awe. Sooner enough the two of you jumped in surprise as you let out a squeal, surprised to see your boyfriend stand there all of the sudden. “How long have you been there?” You asked in embarrassment as you hid your face in your hands. “Long enough to realise how much of a talented partner I have!” Seungmin chirped excitedly as he pressed kisses on your cheeks. “Staring isn’t nice you know.” “Hiding such talent also isn’t.” He teased, making your heart flutter once again, leaving him laughing.

Jeongin:

His hands were sweating and he was almost shaking in his chair as he peaked your way. The professor in front of the two of you was minding her own business as Jeongin’s mind drifted off.

He had been crushing on you ever since the two of you entered college together, which had been a year by now, yet Jeongin never had the courage to say anything other than ‘hi’ to you. Which was surprising since you were pretty much always seated right next to him.

He often wondered if you could hear his heart beat loudly for you, it felt like it could jump out of his chest any second. It was driving him mad, but not as much as the fact that he was just too much of a coward was still in the picture. Here you were as usual, looking beautiful as always. And he was still out her being a coward.

Something snapped in him when he realised that you wouldn’t be single forever. He stiffened and tried to find the courage to talk to you. He didn’t felt himself turn towards you and look at you directly. You didn’t notice at first, but out of the corner of your eye, you had to try your hardest to control the blush that wanted to rush to your cheeks as his eyes were fixated on your face.

You dared to turn to your long-time crush, making actual eye contact with him for maybe the third time in a whole year. “Are you okay?” You asked carefully in a whisper as you caught him staring. “P-please go out on a date with me!” He asked a little too loud as people shot their gazes towards the two, but Y/n didn’t care as her heart was racing as fast as his. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Gifs aren’t mine.

Hope you like it!

[secretly-a-cold-blooded-murderer]

Five Thousand Miles

Warning: Angst, descriptions of covid patients’ suffering, hospitals

A/n: I researched a lot about what covid patients go through in a hospital and their treatments but still took a couple creative liberties so I apologise if the descriptions aren’t accurate. Do tell me how you liked it!

Summary: Y/n tests positive for covid-19 and has to be hospitalised. Her boyfriend, Harry is five thousand miles away from her.

“Harry, I’m scared,” Y/n confessed as she readied herself, struggling with wearing her mask and gloves while also balancing her phone to continue talking to her boyfriend on FaceTime.  

“It’ll be alright, you are taking every precaution you can. Plus, you have to get out of the house sometime, you can’t survive on air alone. Trust me, baby, you can do this.”

Harry’s voice was keeping her grounded, she wanted to continue talking to him but knew it would be impossible to shop and talk to him at the same time, so she nodded at him, “You’re right. Okay, I’ll call you when I get back. Safely.”

Taking a deep breath, she went out the door to a world of germs, people, and newly acquired viruses.

Being in the middle of a pandemic alone wasn’t her favourite situation to be in. It felt better when she had company, people who would help her buy the essentials. As soon as situations eased up a bit, her quarantine partners left New York to be with their families. She was all alone now.  

Looking at all the empty streets, Y/n was left with a weird sensation. The city that never slept had never been quieter. She was so used to being woken up by car horns and car alarms in the morning that during the first few weeks of lockdown, she found it hard to wake before noon. This quiet was almost poetic, like the stuff of post-apocalyptic films. Y/n wasn’t sure if the silence comforted her or terrified her.

There were more people in the store than she had expected, though all in their masks, she breathed in relief. She went straight to the personal hygiene section, remembering the most important item on her list, only to find that the store was all out of toilet papers, the one thing films didn’t guess would be a big problem. She rolled her eyes at the selfish people who had panic-bought more stuff than they would have needed.

She tried every store near her neighbourhood, and eventually was able to get the last set in the final shop she visited. Tired from driving all over the city in search of toilet papers, she went to the check-out line to finally buy her stuff. 

Standing in her place, Y/n noticed the people in the store, few whose foreheads were furrowed, their eyes darting around making sure they were maintaining the mandated distance from others, panic evident on their mask-covered faces. Some others appeared plain bored. Already used to the new routine and just wanting to get it over with. 

She was so lost her observations, she almost didn’t hear it, the woman behind her in the line coughed loudly, making people jump farther apart than the required six feet.

“It’s just allergies,” the woman announced in a nasal voice, rolling her eyes at people’s reaction. 

As Y/n’s turn came at the check-out counter, she found herself frozen to the ground, she didn’t know why but the cough threw her off. It felt weird to react the way she did, but she could not make herself move. She was nervous. She wanted to laugh at herself for feeling this way because of a measly cough, but it wasn’t so simple and right now all she felt was fear.

“Oh for god’s sake,” the woman moved forward, pushing her aside and placed her items at the counter. Even the employee there seemed wary, but knew he had to comply to keep his job.

It was only after the woman left, was Y/n finally able to move, she shook her head as if to shake the incident away from her mind and finally paid for her items.

She ran all the way home, even though she knew she shouldn’t have. She couldn’t help herself, she just wanted to move away from the public and into the safety of her home as soon as she could. 

As she entered her house, Y/n felt her chest tighten, as though someone was sitting on it, she couldn’t breathe properly. It felt like she was breathing through a squished straw. 

In between her wheezing, she searched around for her inhaler in her side bag. She felt her breath coming back a few seconds after she breathed in the medicine. She fell to her knees in exhaustion and took in a few more breaths to calm down.

She then picked herself up and embarked on an extensive set of tasks- Taking off her gloves and mask, removing her shoes at the entrance of her house, washing her hands. But, this somehow didn’t seem enough to her, so she went ahead and took another shower, just to be extra sure.

While in the shower, she cursed her asthma. It wasn’t usually a big hurdle in her life, but now, everything was a hundred times worse. This was the first time she had feared for her life. Her anxiety was at an all-time high and all she had to keep her sane was her daily FaceTime calls with Harry.

Opening her laptop to do her work, she checked the numbers again- seventy thousand new cases. She sighed and closed her laptop, not having the motivation to do any work. She scrolled through her social media to distract herself only to be shoved more news about the coronavirus, she let out a groan of frustration and switched off her phone, deciding to take a nap instead.

Only she couldn’t sleep. She thought back to all the plans she made with Harry, promising him to be there next to him while he toured the globe. She laughed at the situation and how no one in a million years could have guessed the current world state.

She didn’t know when she fell asleep, but she must have as she woke up with a jolt in her bed after a strange dream. She shook her head and looked out her window to see the sky dark. She switched on her phone, it was 8 pm. She cursed to see three missed calls from Harry and one from her friend, Sarah.

Preparing herself, she called Harry. 

“Where were you, I called like three times?” His voice was deeper than usual, she guessed he had just woken up because of her call. She calculated it to be 4 am in London, where Harry was. She felt bad for waking him up like that.

“I know, I switched off my phone and fell asleep. Sorry,” she grimaced.

Harry hummed in acknowledgement, “how you doing?”

She could hear rustling on the other side and imagined a sleepy Harry sitting up in his bed, his hair messy from his sleep, “Just missing ya’.”

“I know, I hate that I had to leave you like that, wish you could come with me,” there was a hint of a whine in Harry’s voice which made Y/n smile.

“Wish I had a visa for England, I really wanted to come too,” and she meant that. At least that way, she wouldn’t have to be alone.

“I’ll video call you tomorrow, it’s late here, or rather early,” what he was saying next was obscured by his yawn. She sighed, she missed him too much.

“Yeah sure, see you tomorrow, bye.”

“Bye.”

When the call disconnected, she messaged Sarah to ask what the call was about, who didn’t respond. She shrugged her shoulders and went down to the kitchen to start preparing for dinner.

~

It started with a headache. She didn’t ponder much on it and instead only took medicine to curb the pain enough to continue working. 

It was when she felt a certain roughness in her throat, did she pay attention. Her cough worsened within days, she was having a hard time breathing normally. It felt like a less severe but constant asthma attack. She took her temperature, which showed her to be having a fever at 101°F. 

It took her some time to even process what was happening to her, she initially wondered if it could be the flu or something non-covid, but she knew she couldn’t take the chances. Harry was the first person she informed.

“What are you saying?!” Harry was frantic, his forehead creased as he ran his fingers through his hair, messing them up.

“I have a fever, a cough, and I’m having difficulty breathing,” counting the symptoms on her fingers, she informed him again.

“It could be the flu, Y/n you didn’t even go outside. How could it be anything else?”

“H, I did go out to buy supplies, didn’t I? Maybe I got infected there somehow. We shouldn’t be kidding ourselves. I have to at least get tested.” You didn’t want to show him just how scared you were, but it was hard to keep your voice from cracking.

“I am scared, H,” you let the tears out. Your shoulders shook while you tried to wipe your tears as they were leaking from your eyes.

Harry closed his eyes, not being able to see you sobbing, “I know baby, but I know you’ll be strong. I will take the next flight to LA. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” He promised, his mouth set in a hard line as a strong look of determination crossed his face.

  She shook her head with as much strength she could muster, “No Harry, you shouldn’t keep travelling, plus, you can’t stay with me and I don’t want you staying at some hotel. It’s not safe.”

“Bu—”

“—I won’t hear another word about it. I have Sarah, and you have your work to take care of. I will be fine.”

She knew Harry wanted to say more, object to her claims, she would not be fine. But he knew it would be of no use, once she had made up her mind, it would be impossible to change it. So, he settled for a low nod.

“Keep me updated, I’ll also talk to Sarah. She better be there for it all. You should now call your doctor, see what’s the next step.”

Y/n nodded, smiling that Harry understood. She didn’t want to trouble him. She also wanted to pretend for a few more seconds that this was not a big deal.

She called Dr Gupta, her heart was beating at an all-time high and her energy was at an all-time low. She barely had enough breath to tell her doctor about her situation who booked an appointment for her to go to the nearest covid testing facility.

She took a deep breath, wore her protective gear and drove to the testing lab which was a ten-minute drive from her place. She was already out of breath by the time she reached the place.

When she was done with her test, she felt worse than she had before. Sarah called to check in on her, but Y/n didn’t have the energy to talk so Sarah video-called her, seeing Y/n’s face would have to be enough for her at that point.

Sarah’s eyes softened, seeing her best friend heaving, eyes shut and groaning due to her chest pain. But she knew, more than anything, her best friend was scared.

“I hope with everything that I am that the test comes back negative,” her voice was tinged with worry and genuine hope.

Y/n could only nod.

The call came two days later, Y/n sat up in her bed, she had been dreading this moment these past days, with Harry and Sarah to distract her.

The test came back positive.

She fell back into her bed, cushioned by her pillow and started shaking uncontrollably as she sobbed.

She felt insanely dehydrated by the time she stopped crying, she didn’t even get to call either of her friends. She stood up with a groan, and following one slow step after the other, she went to the bathroom to wash her now tear-stained face.

The call she made to Harry wasn’t an easy one. She knew he would take the news worse than she had, and her reaction was not a light one.

“I prayed. I promise I prayed Y/n,” his words were almost indecipherable in between his cries. His every tear followed the other with a ferocity never before noticed by Y/n.

Her own tears followed suite, she was so sure she had finished up all her tears, but she was proven wrong. Soon, the only conversation happening between the two was through their sobs.

She wanted to curse all the gods, she didn’t want to go through the pains of having this disease and she didn’t want to do it alone. Even though she had Harry and Sarah standing right beside her, knowing they would not be able to meet her in person, she had never felt more alone.

“I don’t feel good, H,” she confessed. Breathing was becoming difficult day by day, she would rather have an asthma attack twice a day than having this constant pressure on her chest and throat. She knew she had to tell him, “I have to get admitted to the hospital first thing in the morning tomorrow, they say my covid could be worsened because of my asthma,” she let out in between a series of coughs stopping her after every word.

Harry nodded, his heartbeat rising. He cursed himself for leaving his girlfriend alone in the country. If he hadn’t left, she would not be going through this, “I’ll tell Sarah, you go rest,” he promised, seeing it get increasingly difficult for her to even sit up in her bed.

If Y/n was scared before, then the hospital made it thousand times worse. It was a scary sight, the covid ward was in an isolated area of the hospital, the doctors and nurses were in full PPE kits, the patients were lined up next to each other separated by curtains. She passed a room with ICU written on the glass door. With what she could see, she noticed several other patients, some with masks covering their nose, probably providing oxygen. Others seemed in worse conditions, they were intubated via ventilators. 

Seeing them facing the same crisis together, although away from their families, but forming a new family of sorts in solidarity to their conditions gave her little comfort. Those who wore the nasal masks and thus still had the ability to talk were speaking to each other, even reading something from their phones to those who were on ventilators. Covid had seemed like a situation she would have to go through alone, her initial views though were changing.

She was admitted to the regular covid ward, with the rest of the non-critical patients and would be observed overnight. She was assisted with oxygen through a nasal mask, just like the people around her, she had noticed.

“Hey, I’m Cecilia, call me Cece,” a thirty-something woman introduced herself from beside you. The curtain was partially open, allowing Y/n to see only her face.

“Y/n, nice to meet you,” she called back, smiling as much her energy would allow.

“Never guessed this is how I would be spending my lockdown,” she laughed lightly, pointing to her mask. She then followed it up with a cough, groaning with the strain.

Y/n felt bad for her, only to be subjected to the same.

These were going to be some long days. Though she did feel better knowing she would not be facing this alone. She looked around the room, at probably twenty patients around her, in the same situation as her, if not in worse conditions. She then thought back to the people in the ICU and what they must be subjected to.

Her phone brought her attention to itself, it was Harry FaceTiming her; putting on a smile, she picked up the call. 

“Hey handsome,” she suggestively raised her eyebrows, not wanting to worry him any further.

Harry did not even notice her words, he was too busy gawking at her nasal mask, “what is that?” worry coating his voice.

“Oh just my new accessory, you like it?” although Y/n wanted to look nonchalant, the pain in her voice could not be hidden, she sighed, “They are giving me oxygen through this.”

Harry’s eyebrows were knitted together in worry, Y/n wanted to make him feel better. She could not rest knowing her love was out there worrying about her, “Look I made a friend,” she turned the camera to Cece laying next to her six feet apart, “Cece, say hi to my boyfriend, Harry.”

She had forgotten her boyfriend was a big deal but was reminded of it by Cece’s gasp, “Harry freaking Styles ohmigod ohmigod,” Cece squealed, making Y/n forget for a second that she was not a teenager.

“Hullo love,” Harry greeted her in his ‘fan voice’, a smile graced her lips. “Hope you beat covid and get better soon.” Cece’s smile made Y/n realise how long these people had gone without having a reason to smile and how desperately they needed it. 

 Cece’s squeal garnered the attention of the people around them. Noticing the pop icon on the phone screen, conversations started flowing between everybody. Introductions were made, friendships were formed and smiles were passed around, along with Y/n’s phone. So, she asked a nearby nurse if they could access a bigger screen so everyone could see and talk to her boyfriend.

When the staff hooked up a screen, Harry gave all the patients an impromptu concert. Y/n had not smiled in days the way this concert had made her. She expected fear, anxiety, deaths and instead got friends, laughter, and music.

When Harry was done performing for his audience, he gave her a brief look. “I love you,” she whispered to him, smiling when he returned the words.

The next day, she was woken up by the noises around her, she panicked for a moment, not recognising the place she was in; but calmed when she regained her senses and noticed the blue curtains of the hospital, several machines and the people they were attached to. 

She made a short conversation with Cece but had to stop because she was getting out of breath. With every passing moment, her chest pain too was increasing. She did keep listening to people chat around her. Some were on calls with their family, others were busy reading books and listening to music. She kept getting shouts of gratitude from the people in the ward for Harry the previous night.

For the next two days, that kept her going. She learned about her fellow patients, Jonathan was 59 years old, his son was an engineer and he couldn’t have been more proud; Jaya was a 42-year-old woman with bronchitis and wanted to visit Paris at least once in her life. Marc was a 50-year-old diabetic who was in a band in the 80s, they were planning a reunion show. She met countless people, each with their own stories. 

At about 10 am on a Thursday, her situation worsened. The doctors had come for a routine checkup, only to see that her oxygen levels were dropping steadily and she needed immediate assistance.

She was shifted to the ICU ward. She had to be intubated and thus was given a board and marker to write anything if she wanted.

“—Yes sir, she was shifted to the ICU this morning—”

“—We can’t say much right now, but we’ll inform you if anything changes—”

“—Okay, take care, Sir.”

Y/n heard bits and pieces of the conversation her doctor was having with Harry, although since she was on medication, she couldn’t register much of it. The nurses brought her phone to her, a silhouette moving on the screen.

“Hey baby, how are you feeling?”

Y/n pondered how to describe the immense pain burning through her respiratory passage and the lack of oxygen eating away her lungs and not give him nightmares. So, she offered him a tired thumbs up.

Harry watched his girlfriend cough, her face contorting in pain and could not control his tears, he didn’t want to think about the worst-case scenario but could not stop his mind from going there. He knew how low the chances were of people on ventilators coming back. But he had to remain positive, someone had to. She needed him to be strong for her. So, he wiped away his tears, put on his best brave face and talked to her.

He called her every three hours. Giving updates to her about his day, talking to her about whatever he could. He talked enough to compensate for the silence on her part. She smiled through every sentence, even though he could not see it, even though it wasn’t visible on her face, even though she didn’t have the power to, she smiled.

And she listened. So she didn’t have to focus on Josephine dying next to her or Augusta who was a hair length’s distance away from dying the previous day. Even though doctors told her that her situation was worsening, she listened because that became the only thing keeping her from giving up.

As her pains didn’t go away, and her condition worsened further, she was given sedatives and was thus mostly asleep. Which she was thankful for, for she couldn’t take it anymore, she just wanted to rest.

Dr Garcia came by routinely to check on her, talking to her about the outside world, gave her the gossips being passed around the hospital. Even though she was barely awake to listen to any of it, she was thankful for the kind doctor providing a calm lull while doing her job.

“Mr Styles, I’m afraid her condition isn’t getting any better. She should have shown atleast some improvements,” Dr Garcia informed Harry in a heavy voice.

On the other side of the line, Harry didn’t know what to do, it felt like someone was pulling away the floor under him. “What happens now?” He asked, praying for some hopeful news.

“We really can’t say much, each case is different, but it would be better uhm,” the doctor was thinking through her words, wanting to be as considerate as possible, “is there any family of hers that would want to talk to her?”

Harry almost let out a sob as he realised what the doctor was implying ‘is there anyone who would want to give her a final goodbye?’

“No, Y/n’s family passed away in an accident when she was 16, it’s just me and Sarah,” he explained, his voice on the verge of cracking, it was becoming harder to get words out of his mouth. He didn’t want to talk anymore, he just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.

“Oh, I understand,” Dr Garcia nodded, feeling sorry for the young girl who had stolen the hearts of everyone in the ward. She was a sweet girl, who had dreams and still held love for life even after everything she had seen. “This is not the end, Harry, she can still recover, God, I pray she does, this is not the end.” She really believed the words she was saying and wanted Harry to feel the same.

He nodded, tears clouding his eyes. He too really wanted to believe that.

A beat of silence fell upon the conversation, both in deep thought, “Harry, she wrote something on her board when she was awake yesterday,” Harry’s ears pricked up, “she wrote and I quote ‘I will not give up’ with a smiley face at the end. She is a fighter, you remember that,” Dr Garcia gave her parting ways and went back to her work.

Y/n’s words were imprinted in Harry’s mind. After the call, he made himself more presentable, wiping his tears and drove up to the church near Y/n’s house. He had come back to LA after Y/n was admitted to the ICU. He couldn’t be five thousand miles away from her in that condition.

The church was almost empty, which was surprising to Harry, given the situation, but he wasn’t complaining. He walked up the aisle, his hand grazing each wooden bench as he reached the altar and kneeled. He didn’t what to pray or how to pray, but he tried anyway. He closed his eyes and called out to God; he prayed with every part in his body, with every bone, every muscle, every fibre of being for his love to get better. For her to keep fighting. And for him to gain enough strength to deal with it all.

All this time, he had been feeling so helpless, not being able to do anything to make her better. But he made peace with the fact that the only thing he could do right now was to have faith. To have faith in God to guide him and her, in Y/n to be the stubborn strong-willed woman that she was and continue fighting, he had faith in his faith and that it would not disappoint.

He stayed there, talking to God until the closing hours. He then went back to Y/n’s place and sat on the sofa, waiting by his mobile, ready for any phone call he might receive.

He was awoken the next day by his phone ringing on the coffee table next to him. He looked at the time, it was noon, he picked up.

“Congratulations Harry, she’s getting better,” the relief was evident in Dr Garcia’s voice.

Harry felt himself getting physically lighter.

“I mean there is still a long way to go, but her oxygen levels are rising, her lungs are recovering, she’ll be soon able to breathe on her own. Harry, she did it, she won,” Harry didn’t listen to the rest of what the doctor was saying, he was too busy falling in love with the love of his life. It felt like he himself had come back from the dead. He knew his faith could never disappoint.

“Thank you doctor, I’ll be waiting for the call when you tell me she’s tested negative,” he laughed, his lungs breathing in air after what felt like a lifetime.

Dr Garcia chuckled along with him and agreed, telling him Y/n would call him when she woke up.

~

“You know I love you right? My fighter,” Harry tightened his grip on her hand and kissed her knuckles.

Y/n’s head fell back as laughter bubbled out of her, “You just told me that like two minutes ago.”

“I know, but a few weeks ago I thought I would never get to say it to you ever again. So, I will keep reminding you every minute that I love you and that you are the strongest person I know,” he snaked his arms around her, placing his head on top of hers, “I really missed holding you.”

She breathed in Harry’s scent, slowly regaining her sense of smell, she had missed this too. She cupped his cheek with her right hand and gave him a light peck.

Harry grabbed the back of her head, keeping her lips on his, deepening the kiss. When they separated, he rested his forehead against hers, not wanting her to move even an inch away from him.

Noticing her deep breaths, he whispered in her ears, “This is the only reason I want you to be out of breath. This and well... the other one,” he smirked.

“Oh hush you,” Y/n blushed, she sucked in a breath through her teeth, “Shit man, I love you.”

[blackswaneuroparedux]

A word or two....

Thank you to the many of you who have dropped a line concerned about my absence from my Tumblr since the start of the New Year. I appreciate your kind words about my well being. I am by nature a private person but on this occasion I thought I would give an update on how things are.

A few things have happened which by themselves would not have knocked me off my stride but cumulatively have worn me down a little.

Not long after my New Year’s ski vacation in Verbier this year I returned to Paris and eased myself back into the corporate treadmill. I normally hit the ground running with each day I would get up to run my daily 5 km around dawn and then into my first Zoom breakfast meeting and a full day of back to back meetings and meeting friends outside of work. It took a long time before I noticed that I felt increasingly felt tired and even worse, lacked motivation for anything. This blah feeling just sneaked up stealthily as I felt more exhausted each day. I normally put it down to the God awful hours of work I put in each day but it was more than that.

Then a Parisienne friend told me she was tested positive for Covid from a recent lunch we had with a small group of 5 (within allowed Covid rules). So she told me to get tested. Lo and behold it turned out I had Covid too. So the daily battle with exhaustion and motivation now made sense.

I went into self-isolation but I wasn’t alone. I am truly grateful that I have wonderful neighbours in my apartment building who looked in on me and made sure I had all that I needed. It was terribly kind of them despite feeling immense guilt for leaning on them.

In the middle of this the news of a death of beloved great aunt in Scotland saddened me, and made much worse knowing I, along with others in our family, could not have gone up to Scotland to attend the funeral.

This is a story typical for many families in similar situations throughout this pandemic. I daresay there will be others who will be unable to say goodbye properly to loved ones before they die, and before this pandemic is behind us and a degree of normalcy is restored.

Besides knowing my great aunt as I did, she was never the type to wallow in self pity but instead was a strong woman who took a robust and feisty view towards life. We shared a wonderful online ‘wake’ for her and that was blessing to all of us as we shared our memories and stories of her. It was the kick up the arse I needed to get back on my feet with my post-Covid recovery which remains ongoing.

To top it all off I got a promotion at work right in the middle of my Covid self-isolation. My reward has been even more taxing hours of hard work and expectations. So I’m doing my best to juggle recovering from Covid and making sure I don’t screw up on things at work that others are depending on me to deliver.

All of this means I hope to carry on posting on my Tumblr as best as I can within the time I can spare. I also ask forgiveness for those I haven’t replied back to their mail or answer any questions in a timely manner. I hope to get around to all this as soon as I can.

In other news a lot of Parisians are escaping to avoid the next lockdown from this coming week. Schools have now closed temporarily until April 26 so there’s no reason for anyone with kids to stay here. The government’s handling of the Covid pandemic has been widely viewed as disastrous - much like every other country in Europe. Even worse, it’s one thing having lockdowns to keep a lid on the rising number of Covid infections, it’s quite another when it’s not followed up by a very robust vaccination drive amongst a French population increasingly sceptical of the government and the (Astra Zeneca) vaccination itself.

I’m weighing up what to do too. I’m deciding if it’s worth leaving and going elsewhere and work remotely or just stick it out. I simply must decide pretty quickly. I think I’ll sleep on it.

Meanwhile may I wish good health and the warmest of wishes to all my followers. As Menander, the Athenian dramatist, said, Άπαντας αυτών κρείσσονας ανάγκη ποιεί (necessity makes everybody stronger.)

Stay strong. Stay positive. Stay safe. 

à bientot

BSE

[sleepyfemme]

hi !! do you have any advice on how to improve/grow your yoga practice ? rn I'm mainly doing yoga by watching yoga with Adrienne but I feel stuck ? ig i want to try new things and push myself more but I'm a little bit lost on how to do it. so if you have any advice, that would be great !! thank you ❤️

yes i absolutely have some advice!!!! sorry this ended up being kind of long lol

i think adriene is great, but she does stay within a kind of limited range & style of movement which can get boring & uninspired after a while. what i did at the beginning of covid when i was trying to form a home practice was skim a lot of other youtube yoga classes for ideas & take screen recordings of things i wanted to try later. i hate to recommend anyone venture into the instagram yoga world, but i did that on instagram as well lol. it is definitely possible to find people on instagram who have reasonable, normal yoga practices and don't just do crazy inversions and stuff, and i've definitely drawn a lot of inspiration from them this past year. if you're into following videos, maybe find a yoga instructor you like who has a paid app or service and try that (i don't really enjoy following videos so i wasted some money doing this, but everyone is different!!). i understand because of covid or other reasons this might not be possible for you (right now at least), but truly nothing is better in my opinion than an in person yoga class. if that's accessible & safe for you, i would really recommend it!!! if not, check to see if your local yoga studios have any video classes on their website. they often will be better than what you can find on youtube

also, listen to your body & move in whatever ways feel good!! it doesn't have to be in a sequence & doesn't have to be an actual asana, just stretch & move around your mat & figure out what feels good. closing your eyes & breathing through different parts of your body will help you with this. just learning to move intuitively in ways that work for you will really open up your yoga practice in a big way.

i use a progress tracker app (the one i use is called done if anyone is interested) & having a way to track my practices was super motivating to me, and it might be for you as well!! setting a small goal for yourself could be very helpful (but don't put too much pressure on it either). for me when i started using the app i didn't necessarily have a specific goal in mind, but it did force me to get on the mat every single day even on low energy days or days when my mental health wasn't great, and i learned how to move & care for myself in those moments & i wouldn't have done that if i hadn't made myself practice every day. for me at least, i was only really motivated to practice on days where i had high energy & was in a really good mood, and i think having a steady home practice means you have to get on the mat more than just when you feel like it (especially bc when you DON'T feel like it is probably when it will help you the most). also, getting a nice non-slippery mat was a game changer for me

try keeping a yoga journal!! this is something i've personally failed at (but i do keep trying at least), but maybe try keeping a journal near your mat to just write about how you felt during practice, how you feel after, anything new you tried, emotions or feelings that came up in your practice, etc etc. if you aren't already meditating, trying some meditation can really help you connect with your body, especially body scanning meditation & breathwork meditations. incorporating breathwork into your yoga practice also will help with that.

my favorite thing about home practice personally is how playful they can be!! your time on the mat should be fun. for me personally that means putting on music & dancing/singing to it while i flow. it also means that when i fall out of balances or other poses i'm not strong at, i laugh about it & keep going. having a practice that's playful & fun & joyful is like, the whole point!!

if you're comfortable with it, take some videos from time to time!! this is helpful partially to check your form & alignment & making sure you're doing things safely, but partially bc it's so cool to be able to physically see all the progress you've made!! i found that super super motivating to keep practicing.

i hope this was helpful, best of luck to you!!! 💖💖💖

[skepticalarrie]

I want to be as happy as I am about Louis away from home event for harry's tour, but I'm not. I already know this is an unpopular opinion, and I hope I don't get hate, but it seems inevitable. I’m disappointed in the music industry about hs lot happening :( life is always more important than profit. It should be to the music industry as well, but it clearly isn't. No matter how nice they try to dress it up and market it, it's not ethically right to do at this time. That goes for every artist doing a tour like this one right now, not only on harry

I hear you, anon. I think covid brought to the table a lot of ethical discussions about what kinds of conduct would be right or wrong in situations like this. The truth is that we don't really know how to deal with it, everything is subjective, people have double standards, people have all kinds of interests behind their behaviours. I chose to face the pandemic with very strict rules, on everything. And even now that rules are a bit more flexible in my country, I just got my 2nd shot, I still avoid any kind of interactions, I don't leave my house unless I really have to. Simply because I don't have to, I'm incredibly privileged to be able to stay home.

And I understand many people - although they share similar thoughts as me (I'm not even acknowledging anti-vaxxers here please) - they are not as strict. So I get a bit disappointed too, in many situations, and artists touring is definitely one of those situations. I think everyone should be taking things slower, the entire world. But I also understand the motivations behind it, especially when there are financial reasons and people depending on you and on that job. I don't agree, I wouldn't do that myself, but I understand. I'm not very updated on how is the situation in the US currently in terms of covid, but I wouldn't attend anywhere I'm not comfortable with just because I'm feeling pressured to. Unfortunately, there's not much we can do about other's people decisions, so make sure you're doing your part, get vaccinated, be safe, and that way you will be helping collectively things not to get worse long-term.

[dornish-queen]

Pedro Pascal - La Vanguardia

With Javier Peña's mustache as his hallmark, the 'Narcos' and 'Game of Thrones' actor is filming in Budapest with Nicolas Cage and Paco León

Pascal, cultured, seductive and reflective, repeats as Loewe's ambassador for its Solo Mercurio perfume and is a model for 'Magazine Lifestyle'

SYLVIA MARTI   12/13/2020 06:00

 Casual striped jacket, tousled hair, exquisite punctuality, and a room in Budapest. There is something about this man, generous in smiles and answers, great talkative, attractive without clichés. Pedro Pascal, 45 years old and face success. He shot The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent in the Hungarian capital with Nicolas Cage and Paco León, who apparently encouraged the show a lot; We see him without seeing him in the Star Wars universe as a galactic bounty hunter in The Mandalorian and he is Maxwell Lord, the eighties villain of Wonder Woman 1984 , perhaps the only blockbuster that, if nothing goes wrong, will make us happy Christmas.

Session in Budapest The Chilean actor shoots 'The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent' in the Hungarian capital with Nicolas Cage and Paco León

(full article and photos under the cut)

Chilean by birth, his family left the country fleeing the Pinochet dictatorship when he was a baby. Brief passage through Denmark and new life in San Antonio (Texas). Normal when speaking in your mother tongue some words in English slip through. Think before answering a question without losing spontaneity or being afraid of silence. An art. 

There is still Javier Peña's mustache, which catapulted him to fame from Narcos , and you can recognize that little point of joyous irony of Prince Oberyn Martell, who almost ended the Mountain in Game of Thrones . Two roles that have opened doors that he has managed to keep safe from slamming doors and have allowed him to skip the toll of stereotyped roles. Today Pascal, well trained in theater and loved by the cameras, can do whatever he wants. Even dedicating a Saturday to star in a fashion shoot and speak exclusively for Lifetsyle Magazine .

"Nobody knows me but everyone thinks they know me," he said when he debuted as the face of Solo Loewe perfume. Introduce yourself with four words.”

I do not define myself only by them, but I am contradictory, faithful, loyal, sensitive and, at times, a bit geek.

What would surprise me about you if you knew him better?

That although I live life and enjoy family, friends and social connections a lot, I have a lonely point. I like having my space and the option of staying a day at home in a relaxed and cocoon��plan .

“Even though I live life and really enjoy family, friends and social connections, I have a lonely point.”

With Covid-19, many of us are already a little tired of staying at home ...

Yes, now that I don't have much choice to go out, I'm afraid of not being able to go back to the theater, to a party, to a dinner with many people ... I really regret those times that, instead of going out, I stayed at home.

Which character has left the most impression on you?

I miss Peña, from Narcos . It was my first leading role, the first time I had time to develop the character, create his energy, his style ... They gave me a lot of freedom to shape it, even if it was based on a real person. I was able to work on it, make it my own, create the tone, invent and deepen.

Do you easily get rid of them when filming is over?

When I was younger I was very clear that they had to be left at work, that the character had to be separated from the person. I thought that with age it would get easier and easier but, surprisingly, the opposite happens to me: it gets harder and harder. Energy cannot always be organized the way we would like and I have to admit that I take some of my characters home with me.

Have you incorporated any of their phrases into your life?

Maxwell Lord has a very attractive in Wonder Woman 1984 : "Everything is fine, but it could be better."

Very eighties. Like the one Gordon Gekko said on Wall Street (1987): "If you want a friend, buy yourself a dog." Have we advanced or are we already for the fourth pet?

We have come a long way. I am very inspired by young people, their strength to face in an original way that win, win and win system that reached a monstrous level in the eighties. Today's young people go deeper into the need to respect a planet in which we all live together and the obligation to take care of it.

“Young people inspire me, they deepen the need to respect a planet and the obligation to care for it.”

I see you optimistic ...

I am a realistic and hard-working optimist. My first impression is that the glass is half empty, I have to find arguments to see it half full.

Is it true that you drew the comic strips to interact with them as a method to immerse yourself in your character in 'Wonder Woman 1984'?

I made a book with images from the eighties and sixties, comic book drawings, papers, erasers, colored pencils, markers and vignettes to better understand what it was to be a man of that decade, how his attitude was forged ... It was a way to focus to live up to what Patty (Jenkins, the director) asked for, which was a lot, and not lose sight of it. I'm a horrible cartoonist, but I had to do something practical to study, understand, and develop the character.

What does a script or a role have to have to get their attention?

Sense of humor. Even if it is a drama, a hero, a villain ... Humor immediately hooks me.

A good shield to go through life ...

The best. It is the most important thing to survive.

Do you remember the last time you laughed out loud?

Paco León immediately came to mind. When he's on set, here in Budapest, we are all happier and we laugh a lot. The entire production loves it. It has made filming more fun.

“When Paco León is on set, here in Budapest, we are all happier and we laugh a lot”

 What fascinates you most about the Star Wars universe?

Nostalgia, the huge audience it has, the ability to reach so many people. It reflects our childlike imagination without limits. Create more and more worlds with all kinds of people and species. He is capable of casting the universe

What is your definition of success?

Have a healthy relationship with yourself. Nothing matters if you don't love yourself.

What would you have done if you had not succeeded as an actor? Did you have a plan B?

No. Perhaps the only thing that could have been useful to others is acting as a literature teacher, as a counselor or advisor for people who need help ... I am a bit of a therapist with my friends. And it must work, because they come back. I have a lot of common sense.

What is elegance to you? Has your relationship with Loewe influenced the way you dress?

In that of elegance I am a student, I am learning. I wear what is comfortable but I also have very finite taste and, when motivated, I really like to express myself with style. And when it comes to style, Loewe is on top of everything.

Something material that would save from a fire.

A book. I always have one on hand. Now I am rereading The Magic Mountain , by Thomas Mann. Literature is one of my passions. It is an extension of life. The problem would be to choose only one, there are so many! My identity is made by inspirations from authors, actors, dancers, the art world, the sea ... There is no self without the influence of all the things that inspire me.

“The sea is what I like the most in life. I have respect, curiosity and love for him on a religious level.”

The sea…

It's what I like the most in life. I have respect, curiosity and love for him on a religious level.

If he gets lost, I know where to look for him.

On a boat in the middle of the sea, on an island, on the beach in Chile ... Everything related to water. One of the first smells I remember, although I don't know if it's too attractive, is the chlorine in the pool.

What is your fastest way to disconnect?

Losing your mobile phone. I fell down the stairs in Dubrovnik and at first it was like, "Oh noooo." But then I thought, "Well, a week without him." I had a certain feeling of liberation. Not having to be aware of e-mails, messages ... I find it very strong that people communicate even through a direct message from Instagram. I refuse.

Now that you quote them, how are you getting along with the networks? (He has 1.5 million followers on Intagram)

I am quite active, I use it when I have a good time, but also to express myself and to give my opinion.

“I will say goodbye to the year with a kiss and raising the middle finger. He has treated me well but the collective suffering and fear this year….”

What is your favorite word?

Oxymoron. I like its meaning and its sound

Who would you like to shut up, as you did in the first Loewe Solo ad?

Personally, I would love to shut up that heavy, bad voice, the imp that we all have in our heads. That it's nice to have him and that, and I know he will never go away, but it would be nice if he shut up sometimes. Collectively I think we would all like to shut up one person.

Trump?

I suppose.

What have you learned from this rare year?

That you cannot live without human contact. For me the deep and simple connections with my friends and family is the only thing that matters.

How will you fire him?

With a kiss and raising the middle finger. He has treated me very well but the collective suffering and fear this year….

*article translated with google chrome. Source of article*