#weve been wanting to change it for a while now but one dont have time and two have no clue how we'd vhange it

[faaun]

ok let's catch up quickly

[the-withering-system]

Someone convince us not to completely redo our blogs, the urge to change comes like the full moon

[silverislander]

we've had three snowstorms in the past week so we're essentially snowed in rn and i'm starting to lose my mind abt it a little

[shjiyemis]

Gonna be so real rn.

I barely care about the election rn and my frustrations are focused on the people of minority groups who decided to vote for The parody version of the Annoying Orange, People who voted 3rd Party, and People who didnt vote at all and people who voted for Kamala wishing death upon people who dont deserve it to make the other voters feel guilty. etc. etc.

I have empathy for the people who just didnt want to support genocide and even the killer of their families but at the end of the day. No matter who you picked, America nor any other problem in the world is gonna change if you decide to let worst of all options win. We have to be smart about destroying the system and rebuilding bc guess what? No matter who you voted for or didnt vote at all, its all complicit which aint something we can control if youre living in this country.

Every single President INCLUDING Obama have supported all genocides going on. INCLUDING the silent ones going on here in America. Trump winning simply made the fire to those genocides much stronger bc now? The average citizens who support these disgusting actions are PROUDER THAN EVER.

No politician in this world is good, that was everyones first mistake. No politician in this world is good. Its just like all cops are pigs. There may be SOME good ones but that literally never matters because they're the people those systems will throw out of their gangs or they simply silence them until they become complicit or brainwashed.

Voting may not be an act of defiance but absolutely is a tactic to make it EASIER for us to defy and even riot.

My whole life, I was never given proper autonomy and I refuse to give up the autonomy ive gained through out my time in college. I refuse to be fucking scared. If I die, I die. but if I live, Im gonna fucking live.

I cant transition due to not only my psychotic diagnosis but because I will NEVER trust a medical professional when it comes to putting things in my body. My blackness was stripped away from me my whole life by my BLACK family who made me insecure about everything I couldnt control and forced the start to having so much internalized Anti-Blackness towards myself. Abortion has been illegal where I am for a WHILE before Trump became President and even than family have shown that they wouldnt support it if it seemed unjustifiable to them.

All the things ive seen people worry about has already been taken away from me so nothing has really changed for me, things ive had to worry about my whole life. So I cant imagine the fear that all of you may be having but this is why we need access to information and community.

Learn the things you refused to look at. Observe and learn the complexity of not only the people you love but the people whom you hate as well. Understand community, understand love. Stop seperating. Stop excluding the people who NEED community. CREATE COMMUNITY.

(Ive been hoping that we recreate ballrooms again cause like, I need that shit tbh. Need me a real mother fr.)

There are many things weve been through throughout history and we survived. Things were always hard and it shouldnt be but it wont get better if we become divisive. (Which is what ive been seeing for a long time from almost every minorty group. which sucks.)

I hope yall read this with not only love but with sterness. Not only empathy but with disappointment. Not only support but with warning.

Every person who simply wants to exist as a person should be given just that and I not only want that for me. But everybody in this world.

[its-no-biggie]

thinking about. yoohankim body swap......

mild novel spoilers ahead but no big story moments or anything just. brief mentions of skills they get later and such

okay so weve got 2 options here, right (well technically theres 6 ways to arrange 3 objects but. if we assume each of them swaps into someone else. theres 2). first one. kdj -> yjh, yjh -> hsy, hsy -> kdj. right off the bat - extremely funny. kdj in yjhs body having the time of his life (i am the protagonist!!), but also adjusts fairly quickly bc like. hes done this before. hsy in kdjs body is a menace. immediately rummaging through his pockets. everyone is unsettled by unreadable normalguy kdj making hsys evil little gremlin expressions. and yjh in hsys body is like. immediately getting bullied because his menacing aura does not work at all in hsys 5 foot frame. kdj-as-yjh is picking him up by the scruff of the neck and all he can do is glare murderously

second arrangement. kdj -> hsy, hsy -> yjh, yjh -> kdj. i think i like this one less but lets see. yjh as kdj is pretty good, i think yjh would be disgruntled no matter who he swaps bodies with but since the 2 of them are on such even footing in the narrative, i think actually spending time in kdjs weak pathetic body would make him lose some respect for him lmfao. like "what have you been doing all this time that your body is in such poor shape. pathetic." hsy as yjh is extremely salty about how op he is. muttering about cliches under her breath. definitely uses her new power to relentlessly bully kdj (omg wait that means hsys body is getting harassed by yjhs body in both scenarios..... what can i say. shes the perfect size to be bothered. the only reason she isnt bothered more in canon is because of her sharp teeth - i stand by this). kdj as hsy is. unremarkable i think. loudly complains about how much shorter he is now just to piss her off. finds an unholy amount of candy in her pockets and publicly shames her about it until she points yjhs sword at him and he shuts up real quick.

honestly i think both of these scenarios have great potential for physical comedy though. they all have such different mannerisms and such different appearances that reshuffling them is always gonna be striking. i need to draw it.....

okay lets talk logistics. do they keep all their skills or do the skills stay with the body? they probably keep them, although it might be more interesting to have like. physical skills like swordfighting and whatnot stay with the body. so if they get stuck like that for a while and end up fighting in each others bodies they kinda have to adapt to the bodies skills and fighting style. could be fun! hmmm that kinda leaves whoevers in kdjs body in the lurch though, since all his skills are mental..... and then kdj has a massive advantage, because surely the bookmark skill gets a boost if hes literally in the body of the person hes copying. so perhaps they keep all their skills - hsys avatar skill in yjhs protagonist body would be pretty op. and yjh has so many skills that he could make anything work - he might end up ripping kdjs body to shreds though lmfao. also im not sure if we get much of kdj using hsy as a bookmark in the novel? i actually dont remember an instance of it, although i can see him wanting to steal predictive plagiarism so it may have happened and i just forgot. but anyway kdj as hsy using bookmark + avatar, and then hsy as yjh also using avatar is an INSANE combo. two man army. and then theres kdjs body there like *struggling to hold up a sword* "i am yoo joonghyuk......" *passes out* LMAO sorry kdj i know youre not that pathetic its just so funny to imagine the protagonists sheer power literally destroying your fragile salaryman body from the inside out.

omg also. if the swap lasts more than a few minutes theyre DEFINITELY getting their weapons and coats back from their bodies. black coat hsy...... wait omg. okay i know kdjs coat is like a high grade magic item that changes size with him. not sure if yjhs is the same but allow me for a moment - yjh-as-hsy trying to look menacing (already failing) but his coat is way too big. its dragging on the floor. the sleeves cover his hands. 😭😭😭😭 its so ridiculous...... other notable combos - white coat hsy (head in hands). hsy-as-yjh gets yjhs coat stolen from her which means the protagonist physique is on full display - she makes a comment about how WoS should have made more use of this kind of fanservice and now she and kdj are arguing. black coat kdj..... i am yoo joonghyuk......

okay i think thats all i got for now. i hope its in character because i really havent read orv in a while..... anyway i think this has a lot of potential so i wanna try drawing it - maybe ill have more thoughts on specific character interactions once i can like,, put personalities to faces lmao

[jev-urisk]

A Musing Monday 🎐

Today im musing about choices. There are so many provided choices out there, laid out like a multiple-choice test, or a ballot. You have options and are urged to choose one from the collection.

Its cool that lots of choices are provided these days- its even possible to customize many types of provided choices, personally im overwhelmed by them pretty often. I needed to buy a red sauce for my pasta but now there are 20 different ones staring me down benieth the harsh grocerystore lighting. My vacuum broke and now im researching whether Dyson is actually superior or if its overhyped and just well marketed. I'm honestly tired lmao.

The choices I can't get enough of though, the choices I want to be stronger at making, are choices you need to deliberately bring into being. Choices of action vs not choosing at all.

Like we all need to periodically rot on the couch but there’s a certain point where you can either choose something actively- like 'I'm gonna take a walk now, or passively wait until something else makes the choice for you- like your bladder or stomach forcing you off those cushions.

I think about people who are in a job they dont like, or maybe the job doesnt like them. But for whatever readon they dont react in an active way to the situation- they dont quit, but also dont try to improve whatever is wrong. They wait for a choice to be made, for someone else to change something.

I see it in relationships- people waiting for the right person to come along, lamenting not finding a partner while making no active choices that would help them find someone. I see people complain about their parner and wait for either a change or a breakup without trying to solve it. I see spouses that no longer make the active choice to love one another deliberately and on purpose.

Why? Why do we take a back seat in our own lives sometimes. I sure do sometimes. It's a kind of escape, certainly, its much less presure and when things dont turn out it'll feel more like a forgone conclusion than feeling like your fault or failure.

Or could it be that weve been so conditioned to select choices from a menu that coming up with flexable solutions with uncertain reults is too unfamiliar?

Maybe we're all just tired of trying? The pit of feeling powerless is very deep in this era and why delude ourselves into thinking anything different?

Now I cant speak on the world and whether its going to be ok, but I do know a life chosen is an exeptional thing. Looking at your partner when times are hard and CHOOSING them. Hating yourself and wanting to rot and CHOOSING to give yourself a shower and take yourself on a walk. Wanting something and CHOOSING to initiate, to deliberately change the narrative.

Make your choices, take your life by the ass and kick it into gear, dont give your power away by allowing the choices to be made without you present.

Monday tag: @gioiaalbanoart @the-golden-comet (hmu to be +)

[zundamind]

wow, would you look at that! it's been a full ass year since you fucked me over! september 29th.... yeahh..... XD our fuck-you-versary! hi clifford!

in case you dont remember, the name piko might jog your mind. yeah thats me!! hellwo!! honestly you shouldve known better than to stick with your old username but hey props on you for changing it last minute! almost didnt find you for a second lolll!!

i wanted to drop in and say HEY! HELLO! HI! and give you some status updates :3

update one: i'm getting better!! no thanks to you, of course. and actually i should say we're getting better. yep! thats what happens when you suffer so bad your brain cant take suffering solo! XD

update two: while my mental health has been at an all time low ever since you fucking dropped me like a fucking ROCK, ive been getting over things lately! my clean streaks are now longer than a week! i no longer want to kms! im even making friends again!

update three: while both of the above statements are true, you still live in my mind rent free. i remember when i first stumbled across your blog a few months ago, i had a full on spiral! not anymore, though. i am STEEL, BABY! also you spinning in the mental microwave rent free is why i'm sending you this heartfelt ask!

man.... even when i try, i still find you somehow and its never intentional. like imagine scrolling the tptm tag only to be straight up jumpscared by your ex best friend's username! how embarrassing!

also i'm sorry but i have to say the reason(s) you left are sooo fucking stupid..... what, cus i was weird? come on. everyones a little weird. even a little deviantart weird. oh and because of some stupid opinions that shouldntve even mattered if you were actually a friend? get real, trey. what if i left your ass because you had a fuckin biting kink? that wouldve been funny actually. like making a sad callout post on twitter thats just "my friend left me because i wasnt vanilla enough!" XDDD

oh, and if you ever see your "stalker" again, assuming you're not thinking its me and that its actually your previous qpr or whatever the fuck, say hi! i find it funny as FUCK, since, you know, you were considering cyberstalking me at one point. and tell chaos i said hi too. i'd also mention mayu, but do you two even keep in touch anymore? probably not, considering the weird things she's done.

anyways thats the end of my relay. if you dont want these kinds of asks again, i suggest either turning asks off or just straight up deleting your tumblr and/or making another one that is NOT connected to any username youve used in the past, because in that case i'll just find your ass again lmaooo. remember! every year on this day will be the day i remind you that you are NOT allowed to stay sane X3

sincerely, your most hated, piko. (i hardly use my old blog anymore, so have fun finding my current blog! and do what you want with this ask, make a callout post, scream into the ethers, reply to it, idc.)

this should stay private but idc

i know what i did was wrong piko! i was 12-13.

dont take this as me excusing myself. i had horrible emotional regulation back then, ive healed from everything back there. you dont deserve to be called out because ur like. 14-15.

do not bring mayu or chaos into this,weve all healed and forgot abt you.

i overreacted bc of very worthless things because i was basically obsessed witj you, you were my fp, if you didnt know.

completely forgot you even existed, i havent been checking your profiles at all in months. you shouldnt either, please forget about me. you'll drive yourself crazy.,

if you think im going to "cancel" you, no im not. for your sake, please dont interact with me anymore. i apologize for how i acted over stupid things, but we were both young and idiotic. im also a system, i dont even remember half of the things you did bc of that.

move on. ive moved on, weve all moved on.

dont bother yourself with me, you dont need to.

[wanderrlust0]

sorry i wont shut up about this but i feel so conflicted right now!!D; and maybe typing it all out will help???

and I highly suggest to not read this unless you want to be here for an hour reading nonsense LOL

im seeing my bestie friday so im gonna tell her everythinggg and get her opinion on all of this before i see him again in a few days.

i just started to hang out with a "new" friend but it makes my bf uncomfortable and idk what to do about it... and tbh im not going to stop being friends with them:/ ik that sounds kinda shitty on the surface but its like asking me to cut someone off right after getting to know them.

im gonna explain almost all of the context....

okay, so... 2020 was a ruff year. it was covid and quarantine. my mom was super super strict about it. once people began to hang out in small circles bc cdc said it was okay to, while still being careful, i was still not allowed to leave my house. i felt soso isolated and alone and it was def one of my lowest moments. me & my bf were basically in a long distance relationship.. or thats what it felt like. all we had was facetime. he started to hang out with his friend from school more often (i had stuff to say to him about that & its in another post). after a couple of months, my mom finally let us see each other.. but it had to be in my backyard only and we couldn't be close. it was okay at first but after a while we got bored and wanted more. he got impatient and petty about it. i understood where he was coming from but i was trying to be as optimistic as i could, even tho it was hard. its bc even for like the 1-2 hrs i got to see him, it made my day. (my friends were also starting to hangout in their backyards but i never told my mom bc i figured she wouldnt let me go.. but when i told her afterwards, she said she would have..??)

it was getting colder outside which made it harder for us to see each other. it was also just a sucky situation and it was creating some resentment. he wanted to talk with me on ft about it and i knew it would be serious. AND IT WAS. he did most of the talking and it was leading to a breakup. BUT (this is important) he couldnt for the life of him break up with me, let alone say the words.. SO.. he suggested that we do a break. neither of us have done that before but its obvious that it means its temporary and you use that time to figure things out and get some space (we DEFINITELY shouldve been clearer about it). he got emotional and i held mine in. he was saying all these good things about me and how he still wants me in his life and that we can get together again; that we would still talk everyday and be friends. at the time, weve been dating for about a year and a half. right after we hung up i bawled my eyes out and immediately facetimed my best friend in FL.

days go by and me and him are still talking everyday, only in a more friendly, platonic manner. eventually, he starts replying later and later, he turns off his location, and its like i feel forgotten about. im so used to knowing what hes doing that now it feels weird to not know and its hard to adapt to these changes.

I download tinder to find some FRIENDS to talk to (only for girls). he was barely talking to me and i was questioning our friendship relationship (situationship i guess). although i dont remember the details of my profile, i DEF made it clear that i was on there for making friends only. i had no intention of pursuing anyone for a relationship... bc i had my "bf" still. HE clearly went a diff route during our break....too much to unpack there but in the end, it just made him want to come back to me.

So.... Snow (that is their nickname ive given them for tumblr) was one of those people who i chatted with on tinder. theyre female but identify as they/them (i dont think they used those pronouns when we first started talking tho). they msgd first and our convo was actually really long-lasting so we followed each other on IG. (theyre also not the only one i've exchanged IG with so its not like i only gave it to them). Yes, I thought they were pretty when i swiped. sue me. i think many people are pretty. its just me acknowledging when someones aesthetically pleasing. eventually, we talked less and i also went on tinder less. After about a month into me and my bfs break, he begins to talk to me more like he used to. Then he asks if he can see me bc he missed me. Still cant leave my house with him but we hang out and its nice. HE ASKS ME IF I MET ANYONE NEW. i say no and hes like ...really?you sure? I ask him the same and he says no (while breaking eye contact,, literal red flag but i was blindsided). he tells me the truth over FT and that ruined me way more than i let on. (i think he's feeling a similar way now but for diff reasons)

we got back together after and the rest of the year (2021) was super fun. weve now been together for almost 4 1/2 years! since our BREAK NOT BREAKUP (not me @ ing him when he wont even see this) me and snow comment on each others IG posts now and again. for ex, ive said they looked so prettyyy & i would compliment their makeup skills. they would reply in a cute/flattery way. thats how they reply to comments. theyre also very embellished, like with emojis. theyve commented on my pics saying i look cute and hyping me up with compliments as well. it just turned into a natural, mutual thing; idk how else to describe it. its like having an online friend where you only interact thru the comments to show kindness. LOL IDK that sounds corny but yeah. girly things i guess. & then irl its so subdued.

so aside from the comments, we would react to each others stories like once in a blue moon. they posted about watching demon slayer so i said its a good anime. i posted me and my bfs halloween costumes and they said we looked so cute. fast fwd to the end of last yr... we said happy bday to each other and i brought up the idea of possibly hanging out one day if theyre down. so yes, i asked first. they said they would love to and that they were glad i asked bc they were too anxious to ask themselves (mood). im surprised at myself that i even asked but i guess i felt comfortable enough.

(i feel like im writing my own biography omg..) anyways, we get each others numbers and talk about our schedules. we were both very busy so nothing happened. we sporadically made small talk, as one does with their internet friend, over a couple of months. we talked on IG more & also thought about the plans for when we hang out. its now like almost summer and they text me asking if i was free last minute to hang out bc they were gonna be in my town but i was busy.

its now like a month later and i see them at the mall with their friend when i was with my bf. (i already spoke about this so i wont repeat it). after that day, we finally made a day to hang out. bf wasnt happy about it; i tried to reassure him; he saw and still sees them as someone to worry about; he thinks im gonna do something stupid and act out on any fantasies i may have. he knows im bi; he sees snow as someone who looks queer. he thinks that our intentions are to get closer to each other in a way that crosses a friendship.

he saw me listening to a playlist titled sapphic energy. it just consists of songs i enjoy by female artists and ive had that playlist for a long time now. i only edited the title.. but just now i switched it back to what it was before so thats ONE thing "fixed" to make him at ease.

he doesnt believe me when i tell him that my only intention and motive here is to make a good, new friendship. THATS ALL I WANT. AND THATS ALL SNOW WANTS. i can see how it can look like its more from an outside perspective bc of our IG comments but it was not like that in person at all!! it just felt like hanging out with a friend and introducing new things to each other like shows and foods. snow even made it clear that once someone is their friend, they cant see them any other way and that formed to protect their feelings. when we hung out there were literally no signs of feelings or anything that would cross boundaries. i didnt get that feeling i get when i have a crush and lose all my brain cells. by our second hang out we were past any awkwardness and it felt like a regular day out with a friend.

I did look cute that day but i always dress up!!! i dress up like every time i see my bf. i dress up for work. i dress up when im going out with friends. i enjoy fashion and makeup and looking pretty,,

last yr he was using bumble friends and he met up with a guy but they havent hung out since. ive helped him swipe on people before and i was okay with it, except when it was like an attractive girl.. would that be hypocritical of me tho?...idk. we def both get kinda jealous over these things. i can get territorial, like he is mine lol i am his. we would never be open or add a third and the thought of him befriending new females made me nervous. especially after what happened during our break. like idk, that still sticks with me and makes me think of bad feelings..and even more especially now after finding out about what he and his friend did.. but me feeling nervous about that is like what HE is feeling (T-T) I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO HELP AND IT SUCKS. i dont think i catch feelings easily. i dont get butterflies over people easily. im not an openly sexual person.

like. am i being unfair by continuing this friendship? snow doesnt know how he feels about us. idek if its worth telling but im gonna wait till more time passes and see how things go. would him hanging out with us make him feel better?? would it be too weird? he already doesnt like the idea of snow so how would he be in a room with them.

i wanna fast fwd to friday so i can tell my bestie about it and then fast fwd to sunday so i can see him. he is still not back to his usual self when we talk on snap. he tries to save serious confrontations for in person bc he sounds angry thru text so even tho itll make me nervous, i still wanna work this out so it doesnt ruin our relationship.

[darkbluekies]

☁️  (1/3) hey! im back ^__^ sorry ive been away for quite a while. irl stuff has been taking up most of my time lately T__T ... but i still try and check up on your blog when i can. i have a lot to say hehe >:] so now FIRST OF ALL... lets talk about my previous ask.

— I CANT BELIEVE PEOPLE USED TO COPY YOUR STORIES WTF... what happened if you dont mind me asking 😓

— OML THE HUGGING DR KRY FROM BEHIND. IM SO HAPPY YOU WROTE IT TBH LIKE THAT WAS SO GOOD. i didnt know how much i needed a oneshot where his darling gets a panic attack but here we are 😭 THE CONFRONTATION TOO!!

— ... you shouldnt have said that. YOU SHOULDNT HAVE SAID THATTT!!!!HSJKS!!!JS!!SKD!!!! sqUEEZING dr kry's ARMS ? BUFF ARMS ? MAN WHAT IF I BITE IT TOO HUH??? WHAT IF I WHAT IF I (dashes to my secret stash of dr kry ideas)

AAAAAAAAA MY CHILD IS HOME I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU EARLIER TODAY

Don't apologize!!! Please make sure to take care of yourself<333333

Im she/her!!

I have a wattpad, and my readers send in when they find someone copying my stories. When I see that someone does, I message them and ask them to change or put me as the cred. I usually help them with a new idea and with the writing if they're understanding. One time someone copied a oneshot of mine and uploaded it to YouTube and took all the cred ... so mh readers helped me get it down!!

DR KRY SUPREMACY I LOVE WRITING ABOUT HIM. he's such a cold character to other people than his darling <333 ID SAY BITE IT, HED PROBABLY LIKE THAT-

The cynical playhouse is probably my favorite oneshot I've made to date (it contaisn EVRRYTHING FROM GORE TO FLUFF). I've finally started to find my old style again. When I was like 10-15 I wrote in a very graphic and violent way which I lost when I was writing fanfiction because I have limits when it comes to real humans :/ but now that i have made my own characters, I've managed to let lose and found back to the old style, especially with the cynical playhouse!!!

Please show me your drawing someday :((( I see the room in my mind and it's basically a rectangular space with the bed I the middle towards the bed, windows and Dr Krys desk on the readers right (when they're in bed), the door out to the corridor on the left and the door to the bathroom in front of them!! The bookshelf is on the empty wall to the left!!

PLEASE SHARE YOUR DR KRY IDEAS WITH ME IM DYING FOR IT</3

For me it really doesn't matter how people see my characters!! If you think he's blonde, make him blonde haha, I have the OG design but if you think he looks hotter in another way, imagine him however you want :>>

I KNOW IM SO SHOCKED, I LOOKED AF THE GROWTH THJNG AND WEVE GROWNED IVER 260 FOLLOWERS OR EVEN MORE IN A MONTH. I REACHES 300 A FEW DAYS AGO😭❤️

Blue is so cute :(((( my favorite color is dark blue (hence my username) and sadly, I don't have a lot of nicknames. My friend calls me (my name)-cita my family has a joined nickname for me but it's so ugly that I won't tell you haha. I'm perfectly fine with Blue, it's so cute :>>

I'VE MISSED YOU NOW TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND GET SOME WELL DESERVED SLEEP

[savethepinecones]

✨💖Positivity chain! List 5 to 10 things that make you smile and explain why! Then send this to others to let them know they make you smile✨💖

aww thanks for sending this!

1: my cat. he actively tries to spend time with me all the time and hes so comfortable around me it makes me want to cry happy tears when i think about how much he trusts me

2: thunderstorms. theyre just so. vivid. like i can see the lightning and hear the thunder and feel the rain and the wind and smell the petrichor. i never feel more grounded than i do when i go out and stand in the rain

3: my cousins. ive changed a lot in the past ten years and i worry that most of my family (very religious) arent very happy with where ive ended up and mostly pretend that im still the person i was pretending to be as a kid. but i have younger cousins who dont remember much about that person and when i go to family events they actively seek me out and want to talk to me and it means a lot to me that i can be myself and still be welcomed by my relatives

3: my mutuals. i dont talk to any of them much so they might not be aware of this but it makes me so so happy to see familiar icons in my notes regularly. if you interact with my blog on a regular basis i guarantee that ive noticed you and i appreciate your presence

4: my sister. we really didnt get along as kids but weve come such a long way since then and sometimes well be talking about something mundane and itll just hit me how much progress weve made. shes my main support system and one of very few people that i trust implicitly and im so so proud of both of us for getting to where we are now

5: reading. whenever im bored my go to solution is to read something. whether its scrolling through text posts on tumblr or checking out ao3 or holding an actual physical book. most of the time if im not paying attention to multiple things at once (like playing a game on my phone while i watch tv or listening to a podcast while i play video games) but when im reading i dont need distractions. i think im probably relaxed the most when i have my nose in a book

6: math. i like having a clear problem that i can solve and knowing the specific steps i need to take in order to find the solution. i tend to second guess myself a lot generally but with math i feel like i really know what im doing

7: camping. it forces me away from my phone and reminds me to appreciate the world around me. my favorite place in the world is in the mountains looking up at the stars while sitting in front of a crackling fire. bonus points if someone is playing the guitar nearby

8: singing. ive been on t for a few months now and every time i hit a note that used to be too low for me i feel such a rush of gender euphoria. yeah im gonna miss my soprano but im already in love with my lower range

im gonna cut it off here because i need to go to sleep soon but thanks again! i always enjoy receiving asks and i think today was a good day for me to really remind myself about the positive things in my life. <3

[plchrtdx]

Weve had our ups and ups and ups and low downs like falling into a cavern. I always cry and youre always logical, sometimes painfully so, and its disappointing and sad to know that my romantical ideology of prince charming, my protector, a fluorishing relationship, no financial worries, globe hopping.. will never quite be. Reality is harsh but also, is it just being realistic?

i keep trying to remind myself that my rose tinted glassess and fluffy ideas of what could be has been influenced by unrealistic expectations in movies and social media. Its hard to snap out of it and settle for less, because there is always hope that i could one day achieve what i so desire.

its at a point these days where it feels like i am yearning so badly for something, i want tog ive up on the things that i have with you if i cannot achieve it. thats absurd and i know i will keep fighting for us.

is it because of the conveniece? how its comfortable? or how messy it is if we go separate ways? is it out of what we must do instead of what we want to?

we are getting married for godsake. and so far, its been naively going through the motions. happy, dont get me wrong, but not matured enough to have the hard conversations comfortably. they pop up every now and then, and it makes me wish i was more emotionally mature. mature and less defensive that i can actually fully embrace the change that sometimes i need to implement.

im scared, yet settled at the same time. its hard to move forward when i see you as an anchor sometimes. is it because im getting external influences about how to be a better person, and you arent because you are happy the way you are?

is it my crave for change and uneasiness when staying in the same spot? when we did our earthworks and shed, that made me content and so happy, that i could live here forever. but that feeling faded just as i thought it would, and now: whats the next project? the next thing to excite me?

maybe it isnt a bad thing if i can channel it into something constructive?

for now, its nice to get it off my chest. its been a while since of documented any journey and ive been so out of touch with myself. Is it an odd thing that a very long ago ex's new partner has inspired me to do so? art is an amazing thing.

[babithyn]

august 27th, 2023

tw~ ed/mental health/rant

Its been a while… im currently 31weeks pregnant. this pregnancy has been extremely difficult.

Ive had a lot of stuff happen within the past four months. I moved in with my boyfriend. I got put on medical leave from work. My cars engine flooded. My mental health plummeted. My ED has reared its ugly head. Its just been a lot.

I feel like a burden to my boyfriend. He pays all the bills while all i do is sit at home. I have no source of income so i cant contribute to anything. I’ve been relying on my mom to pay my phone bill. Relying on my boyfriend to keep a roof over our head. all i can contribute is food stamps which i only got approved for last month.

In my 2nd trimester i started binge eating… im not sure if it was the change in my body or just my binge ED hitting me full force. but now that im in my 3rd trimester im barely eating one meal a day. Again i cant tell if its the pregnancy or my ED.

I fo know that my body dysmorphia is extremely bad at the moment. I cant even look at myself i. the mirror without crying. Logically I know im just pregnant but a voice in the back of my head is screaming at me that im fat and that its not just me being pregnant…

Im so sad all the time. And i honestly just want a hug and some comforting words. but i know i cant get that. My bf gets mad when i cry or even just say im sad. So at night when he’s sleeping i just silently cry next to him. or while he’s at work or the gym i sob uncontrollably.

We have some really bad fights sometimes that just destroys me. He says things like “i dont even really know you” or “you barely know me”… … … weve been together for almost 9months now. I’ve been so open with him from the beginning i even recently opened up to him about my ED when we first started dating. I try to tell him small stuff about me and it feels like he doesnt pay attention. He doesmt open up very much to me but i know a decent amount about him. of course we will never know everything about the people we love. there is always something to learn about the people we love and care about. shit im still learning things about my own mom and she’s my mom.

It sometimes feels like he doesnt want to be with me… like the only thing keeping him with me is our unborn daughter… which hurts because i love him so much… And recently he hasnt wanted to be intimate with me… which if course not only hurts but it makes me doubt myself. and i already feel ugly and fat but now… it just feels so much more real.

I crave affection from him so much that last night i had a dream that we went on a cute date. we got matching shoes and we held hands with each other and he called me pretty. but of course even my dream decided to attack me because right before i woke up a random person in my dream walked up to me telling me i was a horrible girlfriend. so my cute dream turned into a nightmare real quick. as per usual…

i miss my dogs… i know random and stupid to most people. but my dogs are my everything. i love them more than anything. Ive raised them since they were puppies. ive had dogs my entire life. there wasnt one second of my life where i didnt have at least one dog in my house.

And dogs lives are so short that being away from my babies for so long is painful.

October 24th, 2023

I never got to finish this post. I don’t remember why but I opened tumblr and it was the first thing i saw.

To continue what I was saying. I miss my dogs. And thats doubled even more now. Since writing this I’ve lost two of my dogs.

My 16 year old golden retriever passed due to old age. She wouldve been 17 this month. Ive had her since she was a puppy so even though it was expected it doesn’t hurt any less.

I also lost my 7 year old chihuahua. She got attacked by two other large dogs and the only way we wouldve been able to save her was with a $7k experimental surgery. I broke down and begged my followers on instagram, snapchat, and tiktok for help. But was only able to raise $50 between gofundme and cashapp. The next morning she passed and i was distraught.

Not only did i lose another one of my best friends but i still owed $3k in vet bills. I didnt take it well and a month later i still sob thinking about her. Shit i cant even type this without crying.

It’s been hard.

My due date is this saturday and im not okay if I’m being honest. I feel like im going to have really bad postpartum depression.

I feel lost. It’s hard to comprehend that im going to be a mom. That im going to have a little human dependent on me for the rest of my life.

Do that get me wrong, I love her. I love her so much already… but am i going to be a good mom? Am I going to raise her well? Are me and my boyfriend going to be good parents. Are we going to be able seal with the stress together?

There are so many variables that have me scared, stressed, and anxious.

On another note my body dismorphia makes me want to die. I have gained almost 70lbs this pregnancy. at my highest i weighed 248lbs. Ive lost 8lbs which i dont know how to feel about. So my current weight is 240lbs without fasting.

I hate it. And it hurts because I can see it. I physically can see the fat right bellow my gigantic baby bump. I can see the outrageous amount of stretch marks. I can feel the fat and stretch marks and not just when i tough them with my hands. The stretch marks sting, they feel like cuts on my stomach. It almost feels like fresh SH cuts.

This whole year has been traumatizing. This whole pregnancy has been traumatizing. Ive always wanted more than one kid but at this point i dont think my mental health could handle another pregnancy.

I have a feeling Im going to relapse with my ED after I give birth. I already have the urges to do so. Which isn’t good because I recently became hypoglycemic again.

To those who font know what that is. It’s pretty much early onset diabetes. Which was caused by my ED.

Ive struggled with binge eating, an0r3x14, and bul1m14 since the early age of 9. Going back and forth between the three on since.

That’s caused my blood sugar to be unable to regulate like a normal person. If I dont eat for longer than 5hours my blood sugar drops into the 40’s (normal is between 70 and 100) and when I eat the highest its gotten was 150 and thats after eating practically straight sugar.

So in simple terms my body produces to much insulin which can make me insulin resistant in the future.

i know this was long and all over the place. Especially since its months of stress thats piled up. I could type more but im honestly exhausted and will probably just make a separate post at a later date.

As always thank you for coming to my ted talk. Be safe take care of yourselves much love 🖤🖤🖤

[fraener]

9/15/23

each day i get a little closer to happiness and freedom again and notice by looking back how unhappy ive been. my hearts been reaching for anything lately, ive felt stagnant in my relationship and in a lot of ways unseen...i think ive been incredibly bored and lonely for a long time now. this was one of the worst years ive had in a while for so many reasons, but ive been wondering the last few days why on earth i saw fit to let myself get so isolated. i felt at the time i was making every effort to prevent that but i felt crushed by the weight of being treated poorly by people i used to spend time with and just sort of feeling closed off from h. been nearly a year and i still feel closed off. it becomes more pronounced when were out but he often seemingly ruefully squirrels himself away in a corner and watches me talk to other people but doesnt try and participate himself. theres that arrogant kind of shyness that i hate so much again. the expectation that the only kind of social interaction worth keeping up is if someone goes out of their way to engage with you and keeps doing so even if you arent engaging with them. im especially gregarious in most situations so i normally dont notice when people are treating me that way, but i dont like seeing it so close to home. we had a tiff recently because i started hanging out with o again where h actually did hurt me a little and it broke my heart. it took so much to get under his shell enough for him to admit why he was treating me so poorly and it really came to light hed benefit a lot from therapy i think. ive been having a not affair with my coworker where weve been spending sort of questionable time together, feels like romance but we dont ever touch. last time we went out really felt like a date which was nice but hes married so on some level we arent able to enjoy each others company too much. its been scratching an itch for me to have a lot of similarity and humor with someone again, and to learn new things about someone and argue with someone and play. last night he wasnt there at the show but i had such an incredible time talking with everyone and it scratched the very same itch...k came for a visit and i re-met some people from p's birthday party that i really enjoyed talking to. my heart felt so full seeing everyone and there felt like so much possibility before me. it felt like i was coming home to a village after being gone a long time. i dont want to go back where i was this year, i wanna go home to the dark pews and puppeteers and string instruments and laughter and stolen glances and what little magic this place has to offer. what a terrible year it was! i think ill start going to the honky tonk again and spending a lot more time with s and p and j. i really think the big thing missing for me was going to shows with people i like and just being in big group merriment in general. not sure how much longer things will go on with h, he hasnt been kissing me lately and i cant tell if its because i told him i needed space or because of something else. hes been kind of touchy though and the thing where each of you are being sarcastic is being taken seriously because theres something not being talked about under there is starting to happen a lot. i cant tell how much more lonely ill be if we break up. might be the same but probably much worse. i love h but i feel like i dont know where he is and feels very far away, and maybe has felt that way the whole time. i think i thought wed get along better by now. schools starting up again in one week so ill see what happens i guess. i feel ready for change though, in a much bigger and more settled way than i have all year. whatever comes will come and that will be that.

[djsangos]

its fine i also took a minute to get back to this weve both got lives it happens

hope everythings alright

so what im learning lately is that 9 times out of 10 if a civilization falls hubris was probably the #1 cause apparently

'the eradication of all existing life was a worthy sacrifice' cod damn if that doesnt sound horrifyingly familiar why do so many people operate this way

and now you guys are dealing with the consequences of that guys hubris it really is all hubris all the way down isnt it

thanks i guess but it did take me a minute. and also becoming captain to really implement much change about it but thankfully gramps' attitude started changing a little bit too

its harder to rationalize whats happening when youre actively partaking in invading the 'enemys' homeland to indiscriminately attack and steal back what they stole first

like sure i guess neither side in this conflict was really in the right but was all that really fucking necessary when a better solution was staring us right in the face

the theft of the great zapfish couldve been avoided if

i dunno

all the octarians' attempts at getting power in other ways werent always immediately thwarted by an old man stuck in the past?

like i love gramps im really glad hes changed his mind about a lot of things but come on

but tbh i get it when youre deep in the trenches of danger its hard to get your head out of the mud and take a proper gander at the propaganda against the backdrop of live combat and war

wait hang on those are actual bars cod damn

anyway at least you realized eventually right

ill accept the luck anyway theres definitely some shit im still just as blind to

like the grizzco bullshit cod the grizzco bullshit how did i let THAT slip under my radar for so fucking long

yeah space bear long story

or i guess the bear wasnt FROM space he was from earth but he used a space ship and went to space in the service of his Master Plan so

space bear

as for our funding lets just say the former captain has some rich relatives

not that hes ever paid any of us directly which is why we all have other jobs and all this is entirely an If You Can/Want To sort of situation

most of us just stuck with it because were freaks i think and tbh i think im too in over my head to just bail now even if i wanted to (which i dont)

i help my agents financially when i can obviously but mostly doing just freelance gigs isnt exactly the most stable income but hey album sales have been gaining traction so that helps

but yeah im a dj

until recently ive mostly just done remixes or live sets but i did release my first actual original album a little while ago

my style can vary i typically just throw whatever im thinking/feeling into the song im working on and go from there

which apparently tends to come across as more eccentric/alternative according to listeners idk

but that process is exactly why i only have one single original album release even though ive had my name as a dj out there since i was like 16

music im pretty sure is important to every culture but its super important to us fish people to us its the truest form of expression/communication in addition to just being really fucking hype and fun to listen to so when it comes to my songs i get all self conscious about what it is theyre saying without me even really meaning to say or i feel like they say something a little Too private for an audience it so a lot of my original works go unreleased its just the way it goes

anyway enough of me yapping what kind of music do you like gladiia

Apologies for the delayed response; a small matter was brought to my attention, and I had to swiftly resolve it before it became any less small. It's a pleasure to meet you, Captain.

To answer your question, the existential threat we face are called the Seaborn, though we now know that name to be somewhat inaccurate. Centuries ago, we made first contact with them in the depths of a benthic canyon. We found a mostly-slumbering form of strange, alien life. It was more adaptable than anything we'd ever seen. Not only could it acclimate almost instantly to any environment, including vacuum, it could mimic the form and function of anything it consumed. The few awakened terrors resembled a chimera of native wildlife, and had become the apex predators of their ravine. We quickly moved to contain this species, as it had already disrupted the local ecosystem, and if left unchecked could be disastrous. We failed.

We recently uncovered the origin of this plague: these monsters that forever grow, forever evolve, which have taken control of vast swathes of the ocean; monsters that adapt to every weapon used against them; monsters that have learned to take on the form of our weapons. They are not natural, but manmade. Built by the hubris of an ancient civilization that must have believed it could defeat death, if only it could make something stronger. Perhaps fearing the eradication of all life at the hands of an unknowable threat, a threat we have only seen the briefest of glimpses of, it created a form of life that could survive the end of everything. But life survived that civilization's fall, and it may not survive the consequences of what they left behind.

The Seaborn may have slumbered forever in the laboratories that contained them, an unfinished work of pure arrogance, had it not been for one of Ægir's own scientists. Fearing the return of the apocalypse that wiped out our precursors, he awakened Ishar'mla, the great titan among those the Seaborn call the Firstborn. The eradication of all existing life was, in his eyes, a worthy sacrifice for the preservation of life itself.

I applaud you for recognizing the folly of your command on your own. I was not so quick to catch on. Perhaps the severity of the threat made me blind to the depths of Ægir's depravity.

I wasn't ignorant to Ægir's faults, but I rationalized them as functional necessities. It's easy to believe that you're doing the right thing, that nothing can be done about the cruelties you witness around you, when your skies are so darkly clouded you cannot imagine a sun beyond them. I'd wish you luck in keeping a moral righteousness in your command, but you don't seem to need it.

...

Hold on a second, space bear?

Thank you for elaborating. It may say something about me, or perhaps about Ægir, that it's difficult for me to imagine a military whose operations are not fundamentally intertwined with law enforcement and civilian bureaucracy. Where does your funding come from, if I may ask? It's a militia, so I have to assume it's not from some public institution. I can imagine some system of self-sufficiency in the sale of services, or a reliance on donations from members or the public, but I don't wish to assume anything.

I've left this for the end, if only because it's the subject that's caught my interest the most. You're a DJ? For what sort of music? Can you offer any comments on your style? Systems of government, nations, militaries—of course I'm interested in these things, for they've occupied much of my life. What truly captivates me, however, is art and expression.

[dragonboots]

Hello again, Hellsite.

Admittedly, i found this helpful before. Theres a different feeling, sharing my thoughts online knowing that there is even the slightest chance someone might read them, to the feeling of writing in a notes app and then forgetting it all completely. Part of me thinks i should be scared of the idea that anyone could find these little scribbles of my mind, but im oddly thrilled when i think that maybe someone could find this and feel just the same, and in turn see that they arent alone.

Today is a weird one. It feels like so many things are so very wrong that my mouth is sealed shut because it wouldnt know how to even start explaining everything. I find i feel like this alot.

Alot of the time, also, i might see posts similair to this and my brain always tends to conjure this image of someone lonely, whos problems are all in their head where they cannot escape. But thats never really it is it? Personally, id like to think i know a decent amount of people, quite a few i like and quite a few i despise. But its those people that make my problems feel like a drowning weight, because i feel i am trapped between them. Because i am not the one in control, i am the furthest possible from that. And i know that has always been one of the scariest fucking things for me.

Moreover, im in the middle of an oxymoron wrapped in a paradox. First of all im never middling. Im always high energy, blissfully ignorant, or low energy which comes with drowsy carelessness or tired yet violent anger. Second of all, i have been scared of a change all my life. This is an obvious fact to any and all who know me (often because i tell them, because i have a bad habit of oversharing occasionally. Im getting better at reigning that in.). However, recently a fear of all change in and of itself has evolved into a want for change, but only small changes that i can control. I feel as if my world would crumble if it shifted, but the constant weight its currently under is no better. Better the devil you know, i suppose, but that devil has me bored, and scared of a future it tells me is ahead yet i never feel approaching.

I dont intend to sound like a writer or poet with some of the fancy shit ive typed here. I intend to think, to write, and to try and put my thoughts into words as best i can, despite how much it feels like trying to catch a cloud. While writing this i realised just why it helps me so much to put this down (ive typed the word write so much it looks and sounds wrong now). I think it makes it easier to when you know someone might see it, or when it feels like im talking to someone rather than just jotting down rambling thoughts, because it forces me to think about how to properly structure my sentence, how to make it make a little more sense, but still keep the irrationality of my own human thoughts.

All this just to say, ive felt a little in pain, and a little like ive been sinking all day. This has lifted a weight of me, and if someone sees it i recommend you write too, if thats what youre into. Just get your thoughts out. Its a basic lesson weve all heard repeated a million times, but we never really remember. Dont keep the scary crap inside. As awful as it sounds, it helps to think someone out there might be scared with you.

[tiredestsleepiestgirl]

vent.

my partner and i r long distance. when we were getting to know each other online neither one of us wanted to be in any relationship ever but were doing like casual non monogamy irl.

we met in person and he got real weird about me talking about ppl id been regularly hooking up with and after i got back home and we made our relatinship official we also agreed to be basically monogamous. the exception being i wanted to be able to makeout with ppl drunk just 4 funsies, and even this had a lotta strings attached bc he was uncomfortable with it, i laid out that it could only be in public spaces and thered b no handsy stuff.

i wasnt a huge fan of the idea of being monogamous but i was willing to do it 4 him. i also said at the same time that i wouldnt mind if he did want to screw around a bit but he said he doubted thatd happen. cut to a like six months later and he's out clubbing and asks if im alright for him to go home with someone. i say yes thats fine and he goes home with a couple. later i say ive changed my mind and imbalance actually does make me uncomfortable and i dont want it to happen again and he says he's been thinking that he actually would be alright with me sleeping with other people while we're long distance.

now during the last six months since ive been back home we've been calling for multiple hours almost daily, first couple of months it was daily and then when i started working more itd be whenever i wasnt working so at least four days a week and on days i was working we'd still try to get in a short call. and i knew he'd get angsty when he couldnt talk to me over the weekend or if i was busy so id try not to make plans in the evenings too often. and ive been sick for like the last month so havent been able to spend time with ppl in real life. and he's been out more and more with this couple he's befriended.

and im happy for him bc he has trouble maintaining stable friendships and is often so lonely. and i was always the one that felt overwhelmed by calling so often when id had a long day at work or whatever. but now i feel. jarringly alone. and also like the only reason im allowed to sleep around now is bc he's find someone he wants to fuck and the second that changes itll b back to monogamy.

i care for him so much i want to hold him and protect him and i want him to be able to find friendship and community but god it sucks that im just stuck here in bed or at working just waiting for when he'll be able to give me attention again. im happy he's making friends and spending time with them i really want that for him. everything he's doing is stuff i want for him.

but also im out here working 5-7 shifts a week. to help pay for his visit in august. and our future visa costs. and waiting on him. and when would i even find time to sleep around. sunday night i was lying in bed after working my least favourite shift on the week on three hours of sleep and my chest rattling from my stupid chest infection and i knew he was out with his new friends so i didnt bother him.

monday another shift but he was barely replying to my messages all day even whenni said i was worried and didnt know if he was okay and then find out the next day that ofc he slept over on sunday night and spent monday with them. weve talked about that and he said hell tell me when he has plans but even that makes me feel so desperate and needy that's not my usual vibe. im just. ugh.

anyway he's just asked if he can spend the day hanging out with them today, my freeest day to talk of the week. and im a cool girl. i said im so glad ur having such a good time. im so glad u have friends and r working out (theyre going climbing), i hope ull be back in the evening for me? yesyes probably maybe? probably i will have him back with me tonight. coolcoolcoolcool. im gonna be working the next three days str8. the weekends r so busy for me. 4 shifts in 3 days baby. ill miss u ill miss u.