#well. idk how i would even end it myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mishkakagehishka · 2 years ago

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Also i'm sadly still on a hetaoni kick

#i just finished cookie's version #i gotta say it kicked me in the gut in the end #also ... a lotta illustrations of them bleedin' and cryin'#but anyway what am i trying to say #i enjoyed it but personally not a fan of the ending itself as it made the whole thing seem kinda pointless #i mean i'm not saying it's bad. it's pretty good! just not something that scratches my itch with the unfinished game #it uh. ngl. it makes me wanna finally try my hand at an ending #altho idk how i feel ab writing fic ab it in 2023 #well. idk how i would even end it myself

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pasdetrois · 2 months ago

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Marina Dyachenko and Sergey Dyachenko, Vita Nostra (tr. Julia Meitov Hersey) • Mircea Suciu, Camouflage (2) • Agostino Arrivabene, Immutatio • Matthias Claudius, "Der Tod und Das Mädchen" • Henry Fuseli, The Nightmare • Dragan Bibin, Pull (edited) • Maria Kreyn, Angel's Back • Franz Wimmer, Death and the Maiden • Mel Chin, Bat and Dove • Ana Sanchez, Death and the Maiden

#vita nostra #death and the maiden #the gothic imagination #some dread chord #compilations #web weaving #marina dyachenko #sergey dyachenko #henry fuseli #dragan bibin #franz wimmer #myedit #lit tag #litedit #bookedit #quotes one compiles while listening to the lexa lexie edit of house of metal 🎶#VN's themes of fear and metamorphosis got me thinking #beyond the fourth wall breaking+gnosticism aspects‚ it's ultimately a coming of age story right (or coming of Self if we're being literal)#and i would argue the figure of death / metamorphosis (oftentimes one and the same) is a key element in such a narrative #we see the terror turn into begrudging acceptance of the metamorphosis #and sasha does accept it‚ to a degree. to the degree that kostya remarks on how alike she and farit have become #but the story does not end at her acceptance. it ends with her reaching beyond it (esp with the final lines of the book):#“The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. [...] Do not be afraid.”#the idea that 'yes you are the final law of this world but not of them all. i can create another one'#also some of the other elements to consider wrt the figure of death concept:#the coins necessary for admittance to the university (reminiscent of those given to the dead as a payment for the ferryman)#+ the instances farit's appearance is likened to an illuminated skull (one of the most harrowing being the last temptation offer to sasha)#+ the students almost being considered dead to the outside world once they cross the threshold of the town #idk it's just a really interesting aspect for me #realizing i probably went a little overboard with all the quotes. well. just know that i had to hold myself back from adding even more 👩🏻‍💻

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tenwhiteandalusians · 6 months ago

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so no one was going to tell me if i got literally one episode further tenax drops that he’s the one who saved scorpus from his mom’s pimp AND that he’s intimately familiar with scorpus’ dick when he was younger. guys. guys.

#thinking about an INSANE divorce fic. as a follow-up to the 30k canon-compliant backstory i have not written #(really it could be an au of that because like. am i sentimental and would i want them to get emotionally divorced NO but i will get into #the variants of this later i have to tell you about them ACTUALLY divorced first before i get into the hot divorcee energy of it all)#where they fucked around when they were younger and then broke up because. yeah tenax can dream but scorpus needs certainty he is what he #is he wants attention and dignity and when blue offers for him he goes and we don’t need to know what the massive fight was but we DO need #to know that they stopped fucking and maybe they stopped talking too but now they’re Colleagues. putting the ‘because i can’ moment #into a WHOLE different light bc it’s very much a ‘you no longer have a say in who I get to fuck because it’s not YOU. because we’re not’#and thus we get an exes-to-lovers arc I still know you the best and yes I SEE the scorpus xenon andria potential & once again I am saying:#put that in a box we can’t talk about that right now I see it but that’s not what we’re here for. anyway I was TRYING to say the ‘I know u #best of anyone’ of it all and if you think I have stopped thinking about tenax goading scorpus & talking about his dick for a single second #I have not. I REALLY have not because that is top tier blatant manipulation to be like ohhhh poor baby you’re so old and rotting I can just #get a new chariot driver I don’t even really want you anyway 😇 and scorpus KNOWS It’s bait however. he’s gotta get his attention back.#anyway they are ugly divorced and it’s very slow burn but I know exactly how you taste & what buttons to press & how to grip your shoulders #in an argument until they fuck nasty on all of their riches or however this thing ends. not well for anyone but I WILL be getting them back #together. the other fun little big divorced energy thoughts i had were very much ‘divorced and arguing but it’s foreplay to threaten to #leave each other’ so they can have hot aggressive mean sex because they get off on arguing with each other. everybody in the stables starts #to see them arguing about chariot design & the brothers are scared they’re gonna kill each other & then suddenly scorpus is tongue-fucking #Tenax’s throat with a fist still in his hair and tenax has a hand pinning him back against the post by the throat and that’s all they see #before everybody clears the FUCK out. this is a regular occurrence at all times in all arguments it’s so fun I love the dynamic #OHHHH AND IT’S AN OUTSIDER POV FIC i said the brothers really i meant elia but also now that i say that. could be a fun five + 1 of #everyone watching them threaten to kill each other and then y’know. la petit mort. ALSO i know i see the calla/tenax too we can’t talk abt #that put it in the box with the chariot drivers we can have one (1) thing at a time. the calla note is because i want a calla pov of them #where she’s just like ‘freaks. right in front of my salad?’ and does not give a fuck at all. top tier. anyway. andria/elia/calla/domitian #(Domitian seeing them petition him would be so fun because he wants to puppet master everything he’d want to know SO BAD.) the 5th one idk #because I don’t have any idea about the third brother yet but maybe Tenax catching scorpus in a brothel again? and the +1 is their POV ofc.#(anyway for myself: the vibes i want here are geno/anna cat and mouse follow/unfollow divorce and win her back rumors)#scorpus/tenax #those about to die #scorpus #tenax

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moe-broey · 3 months ago

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Henwee.......

#fire emblem #i'll probably end up redoing the moe sketch but. henwee .........#why does he have alfonse hair. why am i cursed. what the fuck.#idk how well you can see it w the clothes but i'm imagining his body type to just be skin and bones.#like you can SEE the ribcage on this fucker. his hip bones are like daggers. he is So Limbs #i don't think he's especially tall. slightly taller end of mid height. but he is the lankiest motherfucker you'll ever see it's Deceptive.#i'm like stuck between wanting to get him on my current run rn or if i should pick up fates.#i have some fates charas in mind that would ALSO be extremely funny w moe but #i actually need to fill out their supports more. fates is like. even if you like a chara you're spread so thin #that it's hard to get everything. or even to use a chara you like but you have others you REALLY like #either way i do have save files in convenient places.......#but i also am so picky about when i allow myself to play games. i need to draw first OR ELSE‼️‼️‼️‼️#fe henry #my art

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lordelmelloi2 · 12 days ago

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🥲

#just a heads up if it seems like I'm blogging and normal: I am not #have genuinely been struggling between planning either... suicide. or to run away from everything #idk all I can even say is I'm just capital t Trying. right now. for anything #so I'm distracting myself somewhat with stuff like finishing fgo stories and whatever #All I want is to be treated with a little dignity.#and I feel like lately nobody does or people just assume the worst of me and then blame me for it #or infantilize me or act like I'm some fucking animal to be observed and trained #this is on top of the amount of stress I'm going thru at work being the person who comes in clutch while Everybody calls out sick #so yeah I have been contemplating ending it all lately because I can't fix myself and I kind of don't want to #regular posting may return idk #we'll just have to see how this next week goes #I just ask people to not take out their frustration on me I am already dealing with everybody I ever known taking it out on me right now #and treating me badly and blaming things on me because they know I can 'handle it'#so I'm struggling between 'it's really me that's irrevocably bad everyone else is right' and 'everyone is taking their depression out on me'#and I just. can't. take it. anymore.#and I don't have the energy to defend myself because every day someone asks me to take responsibility for some nonsense or try to mediate #and i don't have time for my own feelings right now so I'm just driven to try and hurt myself #and I couldn't even talk about this for a week. I would hear myself or another alter telling me to shut the fuck up and stop being dramatic #I couldn't process anything #I couldn't physically or mentally even conceptualize telling anyone anything because it all just seemed so stupid to me #and it kind of is?#but I don't really know what to do about it.#so here I am. Still here for now. I don't know. I don't feel like anyone can actually help me. I'm well aware that nobody Can help me #so rose is forced to be alone once again while whatever this is passes or changes shape. idk #long tags //////92829

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bueris · 9 months ago

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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead

#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere #i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art #but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely #certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like #university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government #i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour #party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead #also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be #idk #it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking #also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most #part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still #i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going #the way i wanna #I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life #if not then gap year to work it out #should probably look at unis for english language too then #sigh #ucas website i may as well marry you #ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up #yeah #shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical #they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices #crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that #why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine #bue waffling #vent post

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andragoras-in-vanity · 19 days ago

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im sure ive alrwady said this but veilgaurd called me a bottom in evedy language, most strongly elvhen tho. i cannot stop thinking about elgar'nans lil spiel to the venatori saying 'all you must do is love me, and kneel' like bruh......if rook wasnt so spiteful they probably would have...just to see where he was going with that....

#im afraid of a lot as i get to the end of the game but technical things like the skill tree and subclasses aside #i dont get why people are so unhappy with it #maybe im biased cause i always play an elf but i fucking LOVE learning about elvhen history and how we shaped thedas #and then it all went to shit and our gods hated us and used tevinter to make the world worse #i highly doubt this is the last da game the series is too popular and adding that we can be trans now is a massive improvement #even if i think the lighthouse should have been more like skyhold and let us talk to companions more #and craft the armor ourselves #and ngl i think the lighthouse should have been more of a refuge for those that survived the gods attacks #like anyone from arlathen/dmeta or hossberg #idk im really only bad about the skill tree and subclasses and lack of bards tbh #but truely......the lucanis almost kiss???? everything about being a mourn watcher??? my SHATHANN CALLING ME A TWINK #this game called me a slur #and just the fucking appearance of my lil rook....he looked so blissed when under elgar'nans trance #bellara and neve were so done with my shit there 😭#i do want to play a dwarf really badly next time #or qunari because the games have built a really interesting cuture for them but never really went strongly into it other than like #the arishok and the antaam? but now they mention the devouring storm and thats probably a fuckass big dragon #but now i need to know more #im not done but veilguard very much isnt the conclusion #but my god i cant stop thinking about how vulnerable my rook actually is like from the personality ive given him from myself #if the gods or like anaris found him before varric did.....this would be a very different story and there would be a lot of tears and #begging for a shot at redemption and care #oh god wed disappoint vorgoth......might as well just kill myself if that ever happened #i just love that my rook has become more senstive as ive played and more hurt when he was already not doing so hot for personal reasons #he still has a smart mouth but he wants to cry like 9/10 times he has to make decisions #companions stop asking me to shape their lives challenges #ngl rook would absolutely stsrt bawling his eyes out over manfred begging emmerichs forgivness for wanting manfred back #i just imagine tears coming down his face as he tells emmerich manfred was a hero and he deserves another chance to keep learning so that #next time he does soemthing heroic...hes prepared and wont 'die' by doing it #cause my lil guy knows hes not smart enough to bring manfred back himself

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guinevereslancelot · 20 days ago

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my bro making my fave meal gluten free for me!!! 😭❤️

#fettuccine alfredo my BELOVED #have had it once since going gf 💔#he def is doing it bc i just got dumped 😂#which is v sweet of him tbh #i'm actually pretty ok with it now it was just right after it happened that i was crushed #but felt weirdly at peace abt it the following night and now i'm basically fine lol #still sad but i can 100% say it's for the best #there is a chance we couldnget back together but i honestly think it would be a bad idea #just can't promise i wouldn't let myself be talked into it bc of feelings #but tbh a relationship needs a stronger foundation than just feelings we didn't communicate well and he didn't prioritize me #which is fine as friends and we have lots of fun so we should def stay friends #but romantically i dont think it could ever work despite how i feel #and im not gonna settle for someone who won't prioritize me even if it means i end up alone #he has a lot of growing up to do and i don't think he ever will #so as much as i like him i think it would be a mistake to pursue that relationship #so i'm actually verybat peace w the breakup #like obviously my feelings are hurt and it felt like deeply awful like i'm unlovable etc i was falling apart the first night #then i just went numb and thought abt it rationally and im fine now #still a little sad but very much fine #but its still nice my bro is doing something nice for me lol #my whole family is feeling bad for me bc i was such a huge hysterical mess on friday night 😂#but by saturday night i was actually okay 🤷‍♀️#i know it goes in phases but i think i actually am ok fr #even tho i was really falling for him i know it would have been a mistake so im okay #i should be more hurt bc of the rejection itself maybe bc im really sensitive to that but i'm not anymore and idk why #lol #this has been a shitpost #don't reblog

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supergraphicultramoderngirl · 3 months ago

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aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

#brain is being weird again. i miss the person i thought you were before i found out how truly truly horrible you are #but that person doesn’t exist! i never met them because they aren’t real!#i just wanna meet my person yk. like yeah i don’t want to be in a relationship bc that sounds exhausting but also #it wouldn’t be exhausting if it was my person. i wanna know someone. i wanna learn how someone works.#i wanna take care of someone and be taken care of without asking.#and like the thing is is i definitely have my people in my friends like i already have them in this way #and i appreciate that so so much which is why i won’t settle for anything less ever again and why i’m no longer actively seeking something #but i really do just miss clicking that well with someone right off the bat. and i know most of it was probably 1) me being lied to and 2)#me trying to make myself palatable for him #but i haven’t felt that truly blatantly appreciated in a long time #i just wish that fate would work a little faster at putting my person into my lap is all #i’m not even gonna say that it doesn’t have to be The Person i’ll end up with and can just be One Of the people along the way #because now that feels like settling and if the universe doesn’t want me to settle then i won’t #and i’m not trying to be impatient because i know that it’ll happen when it’s supposed to and i can’t force anything #i just want it to happen so badly. i want to have my cute love story. i want to have it last longer than a week. in a good way this time.#and i know i vent a lot about this in my tags but this time feels different #i just want what is supposed to happen to happen. and i want to feel comforted knowing that it will.#i just need a sign that it’s gonna happen someday so i don’t lose my mind waiting for it #that i’m in the right place. and i’m right where i’m supposed to be #idk. i just know i don’t deserve to feel alone anymore. especially when i know i’m not.#this feels like a prayer. maybe it is. whatever.#mari is irrelevant

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seaofreverie · 4 months ago

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The Me who bought tickets to see TMBG in february 2023 and the Me who's going to actually go to the show next month are two completely different people

#slash extremely negative #it's funny to actually live this whole sort of cliche of: the time between buying tickets and going to the show can be so absurdly long #with what was supposed to be my 1st 'real' concert no less #'i bought the tickets as a teenager but i'm going to see them in my 20s etc' and stuff like that #and then when it gets rescheduled too... well. a year and 9 months is in fact a pretty long time!!!#and i'm not even talking about rescheduling due to covid because god at least i didn't have to deal with that i guess #(it IS funny though that by the time the 30th anniversary of flood tour ends #flood will be 2 months away from turning 35. so yeah lmao a lot happened in the meantime huh)#anyways day two of going crazy going insane for no reason other than well i guess that's just my life now!!!!! 😃😃😃#me when i say i'll stop documenting my rapidly progressing mental breakdown online and then keep doing it anyway #but idk maybe this will heal me in some way. my only hope rn no joke #and my mom actually seemed to be unsure if i we should book the hotels and stuff because. ig i'm this obviously unwell even over the phone #but BY GOD this is the only thing i can really look forward to right now i really need this to survive #(trying to forget how i was doing in september of last year when they rescheduled the tour #and i couldn't even be sure if i'd ever get to see them in the end lollllll #and at the heights of my tmbg obsession this was my number 1 dream. i mean it still is)#also i think i'm finally entering my tmbg autumn era now with some more frequent listening after not doing so for a while #how could i let myself pretty much forget that i love tmbg??? and that their music is so good and makes me happy???#they're still my fav band of all time just like they were back then. THAT didn't change at least #it's just that now they share that spot with sparks also lol. can't choose between them and why should i anyway #what else. ig i just hope i get the energy to finally draw tomorrow at least #because if i don't turn the ideas i have into reality then they will never become real! and that would be so sad #so maybe this can be my main reason to continue for now. whatever #goosepost

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daz4i · 4 months ago

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i literally can't think about life or the future for more than a few seconds without getting so distressed that i shut down. surely this is a good sign for things to come

#true about any aspect of those. personal life. local politics. world disasters etc #i can't focus on one and approach it first bc even that's already too much for me #i was genuinely truly literally not made to be alive. i am not built for this. i shouldn't have survived this long #i feel like an error in the book of fate. like i accidentally dodged the grim reaper for too long #there is too much of me inside my brain. if that makes sense. i am long overdue. etc etc #what is that even called is it still depression at this point 😭😭😭 it's like a whole new thing fr #seriously tho how the fuck does one even get over it. being in a state of mind like that means no therapist would even try working with me #(bc well if i don't think i should be alive how am i supposed to work to get better. esp when i don't see any reason to)#(kinda like a festering wound in a body part that should've been cut off ages ago)#everything feels pointless bc of how shitty the future will be no matter what. like there is truly no hope at all #this isn't pessimism it's just facts. there is no good ending here no matter what. unless you overhaul reality completely #vent #:/ i should probably try to sleep but i'm doing really bad #idk if i'll have nightmares or just a very sad dream like i had last night. i don't seem to have much else going on there in my brain #negative //#sorryyyyyy #i'd ask for help but idk what help to even ask for. what anyone could even offer. like there is no solution or a way to forget it #best i can do is distract myself all the time but that's really hard to do when a lot of what i have going on makes me feel bad too #. rambling in nonsensical ways atp sorry. brain is being mean and stupid

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letstrywritingmaybe · 5 months ago

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Ao3 being down is always so tragic for me, I literally bounce back between two sites, and one is taken from me. Which means I have to work on my WIPs or read my library books (I finished reading the joy luck club today). I really should be trying to figure out something for duncney week but my muse is just not biting. Instead I’m about 3k into an extra chapter for something I wanted to remain a one shot (granted I set it up for more… I just have a hard time keeping fics to a one and done deal I guess)

#cynful babbles #it’s for blame it on the drugs #idk if people will like the extra but this is how I thought it would go #I just think there would be consequences even though I love fluff #I’m only continuing cause I got a comment a while back about it and I’m like okay I’ll try but idk if it’ll be worth it #I find that most of the time when I do continue it’s not everyone’s cup of tea #which is fine cause I don’t write for others but it does make me sad sometimes #why can’t they just be a cute happy ship all the time?#I miss when I only wrote fluff with barely any angst. I still don’t deal with it well #they’re tragic enough for me I cry #meanwhile the red otp isn’t that much better off either… they’re so toxic but I love them #though I guess for Lo Lo Love Me everyone else prefers the extra chapters while I liked the original ending #I realize I’m the odd one out most of the time and that’s fine #it’s kinda why I don’t ask people to read my fics I know it’s not for everyone #I have zero desire to defend myself when I don’t know you just exit and leave thanks #lord knows I do it all the time when I don’t vibe with a fic

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majimassqueaktoy · 2 years ago

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I do love that Saejima went back to visit Okudera (but ended up fighting the bear again because. Of course.) In RGGO. Love that of all the protagonists he genuinely does seem to be the one who will truly try and keep the friendships and relationships he's built- He lost 25 years to prison, and then he lost Yasuko when he finally got back, so seeing him choose to keep getting back up and to keep living is so lovely :')

#Also in his other RGGO story he went and visited his old boss in hospital before he went back to jail #as well as Yasuko's grave #idk I just think its a nice little detail and it makes me happy #he's even really cute about Daigo and believing in Daigo. I like to think his influence ends up rubbing off on Majima a bit #so Saejima is like Come on now!! lets go visit this Yuki girl you talk about!#and Majimas like Ough Okay #he makes Kido come out for a beer every couple months and they catch up #when Baba gets out of jail he is like Cmon now Baba-chan #and Babas all how are you still here 😭🥺😖#yeah :) i just think its nice #especially since kiryu and majima are bad at doing that 😭#i feel like Aki would be alright at keepin in touch but more erratic #like he gets bored and turns up randomly after not seein him for a year kinda thing #saejima taiga #taiga saejima #anyway my night is bad im distracting myself ☠️

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13eyond13 · 7 months ago

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#just watched s 2 ep 7 of the vampire show #and these are just some ramblings that hopefully will not offend fans of the show im just trying to articulate my thoughts to myself #i think it was a cool idea to turn their trial into one of the theatrical performances onstage #however im still annoyed at how the domestic violence episode happened and was apparently a real thing #like idk it just ruins the whole vibe in the book of how these characters were living together doing awful things to humans yet #somehow mostly carrying on in civilized peace and not ever directing that violence toward each other for decades on end #this choice messes up the characterizations and relationship dynamics too much for me somehow #also messes up the aesthetics that are a delicate balance between the savage and grotesque and polite and refined #it was important to me that lestat wasnt the one to first cross that line in the books and that claudia was #i feel like kinda the one thing that lestat had going for him in the first book as a standalone story #was that he didnt ever cross certain lines with louis and claudia that the show made him cross there?#he seemed to have a different inner set of rules when it came to what violence he would do to humans and what he would do to them #it's hard to even articulate what kind of shittiness is a dealbreaker in a character or a ship to me #especially when theyre constantly doing stuff like feeding on people to stay alive #but for some reason lestat and louis beating the shit out of each other is just such a nonsense ooc thing to make them do in my opinion #also claudia in the book was valid for what she did to lestat already i thought. i dont see why they had to change or add to the motives #she was turned into a vampire at age 5 and therefore almost purely a vampire in nature and also totally valid in not being happy about it #and in the books lestat made her a vampire on his own after louis fed on her and they did not discuss it beforehand #and he never mentioned rules about a child vampire being forbidden and louis did not beg him to do it. in fact one of the biggest reasons #that louis and claudia decide to turn on lestat is because theyre convinced hes just pretending to know more than he does about vampirism #and either has nothing to teach them or wont ever let them go so they can find out anything for real about their own kind #these changes in the show bother me too but i think im not that good at articulating why #i also feel like as much as book louis's weakness and passiveness and guilt can get frustrating and isn't always interesting to follow #in a way that's kinda one of his more saving graces and most defining traits as a vampire as well - so i dont always know how to feel #about them making his character more powerful and aggressive and involved in things in the show at times?#on one hand i often get frustrated at his moping and indecisiveness and inactivity in the books #and yet on the other hand i find i miss his quieter softer excruciatingly polite book personality when i am watching the show at times too #p #vmpcs

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linneastarron · 1 year ago

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never let me design an antagonistic woman for a story because i will in fact fall madly in love with her

#something about a woman who would treat me like absolute horseshit if she was real is sooooo enamoring for some reason #she's so out of my league and she knows it. but i want her so bad #i don't even know if i'm 100% committed to her influence in the story yet but holy shit man #i see a woman who would have zero respect for me if she was real and i go AWOOOOOOOOGA #we would end up together though happily married with some stupid little pursedog chihuahua because i am peculiar #it's okay i can be her boytoy (gender neutral)#little side note i do respect myself irl i just like horrible women. i am an apologist to every woman #i think excella gionne might be the root of this idk especially given how misogynistic resident evil fans only fuel me more #''excella is the worst she's so obsessed with wesker and she's annoying'' ok well so am i. she and i make out over our shared trait #ok tags rambling over it's past 3am and i think this post is maybe a result of sleep deprivation but WHATEVER #ctg posts

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thats-a-lot-of-cortisol · 9 months ago

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My mom just sent a message to the family group chat suggesting that my siblings download the 'For the Strength of Youth' magazine on their Gospel Library app and talked about how much the youth magazines helped her testimony growing up and like, cool. Fine. Don't know why the 'sending random spiritual thoughts in the gc' thing started out of nowhere when it hadn't been a thing for a decade but this is just another one of those, and you're ofc allowed to talk about things that are significant in your life.

I don't think sending the 'What I Did When Someone Close to Me Challenged My Faith' article right afterwards was strictly necessary though 🙃

#hi bg mutuals 👋 i'm gonna vent about this from time to time. if any mutuals dont want to see it block the 'apostake' tag #trying not to read too much into it b/c I think I did last time something like this happened #and i dont want to make an ass of myself even if neither time would actually be in front of my parents #but like...i know that they know that one of my sisters is clearly PIMO #they went through her phone a couple weeks ago and i have no idea if they read my texts w/ her #but if they did they probably saw the conversation i had with her about some of the really common shelf-breakers #and telling her to take looking into it at her own pace b/c it's scary and overwhelming #(a conversation SHE started btw)#and when i talked to my parents about the larger context of that whole situation i talked about not having space to step back #and their response was that they give plenty of space b/c they dont make her go to seminary???#that's not the same thing as letting her openly question & potentially leave the church idk what to tell you #like. besties i dont know for sure what caused it (which is NOT making things better. it just feels potentially passive aggressive)#but from my end? it sure looks like it might be a reaction to that. probably not JUST that (friends exist) but.#if you think I'm whispering anti-mormon rhetoric into my siblings' ears just ask me. i'm very much NOT doing that #i'm just. talking? to them? when and if they come to me with questions?#and not making my answer 'well there's a reason our parents raised us in the church! ☺️'#(an actual argument given in the article my mom sent)#hate it. thanks #apostake #jay rambles #ok to interact #im not challenging anyone's faith. my patience though? INCREDIBLY challenged #gotta figure out how to work my way around a 'hey please dont send spiritual thoughts to the gc *I'm in*' talk tactfully #they've been pretty chill about me leaving over-all?? at least to my face #haven't pushed me to go to church w/ them; was fine with me not visiting for easter; didnt try to convince me to not drink coffee; etc #it's just. frustrating that they're not giving my siblings that still live with them that same grace #my sister's 17 ffs #it's very possible im way overreacting to the article. but what is tumblr for if not screaming into the void #religion #mormonism

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