#well. actually. probably jesus christ
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remember my name - mitski
#art#my art#chonny jash#cccc#cccc mind#not described#tumblr murdered the quality in cold blood jesus christ#regardless. your periodic reminder that while i soulpost often i do have a lot of thoughts about all three of them#also fun fact i actually do not remember where i got the association of these lyrics with mind from#i just have an image of an early draft for this thing's composition Seared Into My Brain#and the vague memory of thinking it was genius in the moment#(probably while i was still in bed; either late at night or early in the morning)#so. this is perhaps the closest drawing i've ever made to having genuinely come to me in a dream#i doubt i'd come up with it awake but! well once it was in my brain i had to draw it. obviously.
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day 126
like if u think she did nothing wrong
rb if u would take her 2 the mall for boba
#day 126#year 5#sadako#the ring#look i know she killed people or whatever#BUT.#i think its such a cheap move to have this whole thing building up her tragic backstory and then be like WOAH TWIST!!!#it was actually RIGHT and JUSTIFIED for all that shit to happen to her because everyone was RIGHT and she was EVIL ALL ALONG!!!#like. shes what 10 at most? she has spooky powers capable of killing people? thats rough#but what we do NOT do is throw her down a fucking well about it. jesus christ.#anyway shes my friend i think she deserves a nice time and probably some therapy#justice 4 my girl sadako she did all that shit but in her defense she was LITERALLY AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOLER
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i still cannot fucking believe the audacity of ludinus da’leth to see that bells hells has some of his old shit from molaesmyr, realize that this means they must have done some digging on what he did to molaesmyr (aka BLOW UP THE ENTIRE CITY TRYING TO USE IT AS A GOD KILLING BATTERY and fucking up so badly that it CORRUPTS THE SAVALIRWOOD FOR CENTURIES AFTERWARD), and then say, with his full chest, “good you’ve done your homework surely you know i’m based as hell and we can stop fighting :^)” like sir WHAT do you mean. they fought a GIANT WORM WOLF. it was MELTED TOGETHER. like a fucking GUMMY WORM. YOU DID THAT! WHAT DO YOU FUCKING MEAN, MY GUY!
#cr#cr3#cr spoilers#I WISH THAT BITCH HAD KEPT TALKING SO BAD#I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE MEANT BY OLIVE BRANCH. THE FUCK.#i’m well aware it wasn’t actually him and that it was probably just a distraction to try and steal the shard and/or ashton#but jesus fucking christ ludinus what the shit is wrong with you#his head is so far up his ass that he’s genuinely like ah yes seeing molaesmyr would totally make these people sympathetic to me#also your general MURDERED THREE OF THEM MY GUY good fucking lord#ludinus da’leth#roll insight
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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Was soooooo happy with this phase 1 which is what made it so much funnier that I was immediately clapped by his phase 2 😂
#romina is still my fave boss but messmer is a solid second#almost every other boss I would describe as “would’ve been good if their damage wasn’t so overtuned”#my stance if that if I’m consistently losing to a boss with 10/14 flasks left the damage is overtuned#vs me losing to sword saint isshin with no gourds or pellets left bc he was tough enough to whittle me down#fromsoft bros will say get good but think high numbers is big difficulty#an actually difficult boss doesn’t need big damage output if the mechanics are the challenge#I don’t actually mind how relentless the bosses are in ER but I mind how HARD they hit on top of that#dodging a 12 hit uninterruptible combo where each move does like 1/10th of your health? that’s fine.#if I properly time 3 of those dodges I can still make it and it’s honestly my bad if I’m getting killed by that#dodging a 12 hit uninterruptible combo where each hit takes out 1/2 of ur health bar & has a 50% chance for an additional retaliation combo?#I *can* do it but Jesus Christ what a waste of my time lmao#how am I supposed to learn a boss when I can’t get into a flow state bc a single mistake can end a run smh#I just beat gaius and I didn’t even feel accomplished I was just like ugh finally#I feel like 95% of his moves are fine once you work out the delays and positioning#but I kept getting clipped by his charge attack like I would dodge out of the way but once the i frames were finished I’d still get hit#bc I guess I wasn’t dodging a perfect 90 degrees to him and the hitbox for that attack is long as hell#which would be whatever if that move didn’t take out like 2/3 of my health and come out nigh instantly#I don’t even really know the tell for the move bc I beat him before I learned it bc I lucked out on a run where he didn’t charge me a lot#luckily the game is absolute DELIGHT to look at and explore that I can forgive the absolute bullshittery of the bosses#like I just got to the summit of dragon peak and I’m blown away by the design of that mountain#if we’re talking verisimilitude in games how about that whole shebang#no obvious well worn path up to the top of the mountain bc it’s just for dragons who’s gonna be walking up there?#having the player follow a trail of increasingly dense dragon corpses is SUCH a great tone setter#which means I’m probably going to hate bayle but whatever I’m already invested let’s gooooo#tsuchi plays games
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you ever scroll past some sort of discourse that you didn't even know existed, and you have to take a second and realize that, while none of us are superior to others, some of us ARE much better at choosing which dumbass hills to die on? because I think sometimes you deserve to go 'huh. at least I'm not getting involved in all that'.
#well idk i'm still wasting time typing this out but that's marginally less embarrassing as an outsider than the people arguing about it#tw abuse mention in tags#so APPARENTLY!!!#enneagram mbti people are complaining about enneagram 7s being predisposed to being manipulative (?)#someone's like 'my sister was a 7w8 and neglects her kids' like jesus christ i don't think her enneagram is why she does that?#saying this as someone who LOOSELY AND UNSERIOUSLY enjoys mbti/zodiac/boxes to put my blorbos into:#these people are just doing the zodiac but for people who think they can armchair diagnose others they dislike with cluster b disorders#like congrats you made it worse and combined it with pseudopsychology to make some hellish ableism amalgamation#and it was already stupid to begin with but man you really took it up to 100#like we do realize that this is all fake. right. this isn't an actual psychological profile.#and taking it seriously has worrying implications? and you cannot judge someone based on anything but their behavior?#like again i get having fun with these things as little categories. my autistic ass loves sorting things into categories.#i will give my blorbos full star charts for 6 hours. yay categories.#but with the caveat that it's unserious and for funsies and not at all an actual representation of any human being?#like when i say 'i'm such a taurus lol' or whatever i'm not actually under the impression that it dictates my actual personality?#it's all confirmation bias anyways. people see what they want out of this kind of thing#like yeah i'm kinda lazy and i like food and self indulgence but. that's probably like half of the. idk. virgo population or whatever too#i think those are just things that most human people enjoy unless you're one of those super ambitious go-getters who never slows down#same goes for every other trait. curiosity? emotion? stubbornness? logic? those are just things that most people have in some capacity
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Guess who got into a fucking car accident
#1: not my fault. some asshole hit me after not stopping in time at a red light in the snow#2: I'm not injured. probably.#3: I'm like so fucking mad jesus fucking Christ#like things were actually going well for ONE day. one singular day.#and then I get hit by a fucking car#because ✨✨no one in this hellhole of a city can drive in the snow✨✨✨#so I'll be without a car for#idk. an amount of time?#just got a new job. so that's fucking great.#my dad is willing to help drive me. sure. I'll just be slightly homebound til it's fixed. I guess#still gotta move out of my apartment. cannot easily do this now and will have to rely on my dad for rides. again.#I'd type more tags but I'm too angry and my neck is starting to hurt. so I'm gonna take aleve and a bubble bath#and go the fuck to bed#bye#fluffle talks#personal
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oh my parents fucked me up-fucked me up, huh?
#this post brought to you by#the sudden realization that i don't inherently trust that compliments mean anything more than just empty words#unless it's made *expressly* clear it's a genuine compliment#and like. i don't think i've ever been complimented on being clever properly?#cleverness was expected but i've done something considered pretty clever apparently and was told that it was impressive#and the nice sentiment was genuinely meant and i broke out into tears because like??????#no one ever told me it was impressive i figured something out like that before i moved no one#it was just Expected that i should be able to do that - nothing i ever did was notable or important or *good*#it was just ''well yeah of course that's like what we expected of you''#and i don't think i've ever known when i've gotten a genuine compliment#it turns out i impressed a whole *mom*-figure and i didn't even realize that was genuine until a year later (tonight)#i just assume no one really means that i've done anything very cool#just like mildly interesting at best#anyway i watched like 30 seconds of a facebook reel on how to make crocheted snowflakes#and then reverse engineered how to make a garland out of them without having to cut any strings#i... i think i'll maybe attempt to write up the pattern for it and track down the source on the video....cause...cause if that's something#if that's something i can do and do well that would be a fun thing to like... do. maybe#i could probably reverse-engineer the peacock amigurumi i partially freehanded into a pattern too if i think about it really hard#much um....#much to consider#god.... have people been genuinely nice to me about my talents this whole time???? have they actually meant it????#am i good at things?????#jesus feckin christ
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Oh little people in my phone, we're really in it now 😔😔
#it's lay on my bed yell into mattress hours#I can't tell if I'm reasonably stressed. over stimulated. or emotionally heightened because of the steroid I am on. but#today has been too many things and I feel.#sooooooo done#so done with everything#it raining and I haven't seen the sun in ages. I have bronchitis and haven't been Not Sick in a whole ass month#I have so many things to get done before Christmas which is IN A WEEK JESUS CHRIST#my CAR isn't drivable which SUCKS and it needs new TIRES and probably very expensive ENGINE REPAIRS and#my dad says he can fix them but I still have to take it into the shop just to make sure we know for sure what the problem is but#the it's already going to be in the shop and HES SICK and also like. busy. and doesn't have time to fix car#and so I might as well just pay out the fucking wazooo for them to fix it#but idk how long that will take#and I'm borrowing my grandmas car which is GREAT! like I'm so grateful to have that as an option but also! I feel BAD because it's her car#and she does actually use it and like. I don't want to take that away from her for too long#because then I feel BURDENSOME#and my mom just told me that one of my relatives just passed away and I didn't know her too well but her mom ALSO died last year like#On Christmas Day like very traumatically and I feel soo soo bad for all my cousins who have basically just had the entire Christmas season#ruined for them because they will have lost their mom AND their grandma around that time#and that HORRIBLE like oh my godddddd#and like#this holiday seasons is feeling very weird and different and worse and not BAD But like many things have changed this year and as someone#who does NOT enjoy little changes in routine and appreciates tradition uh. hehe the lines are blurring and it's stressing me outtttttt#and I got home and I had to pee and I look like shit because I've been running around all day#only to realize I left my keys Inside The House and my roomate had locked the door when he went to the gym and#thankfully the gym is a stones throw away from our house but he wasn't answering his phone#so I had to GO THERE. THROUGH THE RAIN. looking like the amount of tired and done that I am. and walk into the gym that is naturally PACKED#because it's right after work. and do the walk of shame past the v friendly gym owner who I haven't seen in MONTJ because I've been SICK#and haven't been able to work out which i ALSO FEEL GUILTY AND BAD ABOUT and#walked past all the Busy Fit Gym People in my normal person clothes to the very back where my roomate was and stand there while he finishes#his silly little reps to get his keys from him
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Do you ever just get hit with a wave of the most intense grief you've felt in a while
#i miss my grandpa. the problem is he's still alive i just can't see him.#i can't see that side of the family.#and to be fair i don't even know if it would be a good idea#i know they are right leaning and I'd probably be a mix of everything horrific to them but Jesus Christ I haven't seen them in years#they might as well just die without me getting to see or hear their voices again#what the fuck.#I'm actually crying. I can't.#egg.txt#vent
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Mother stop calling me your “biological daughter” challenge and using that to explain why you’re so upset at trans women competing in sports (impossible)
#I have watched videos and read essays on white feminism and Jesus fucking Christ my mom was hitting like every fragile point#it’s so UNFAIR when trans women compete in sports :((#as the mother to a BiOloGiCal DaUgHTEr#like shut the fuck up#I’m just like … I don’t actually care if trans women compete tbh#and her just going like ‘well I don’t think it should be used against Those women in that particular case’#when I argue that is disproportionately affects black womeb#or her obviously not believing me when I say that trans women face harder difficulties than she probably does#like it does not matter that you don’t think the rules should be used in that way#they WILL be used in a way that is detrimental to women and they have more so than your hypotheticals#I swear to god it’s the same argument for abortion#‘well I do think a woman should have an abortion if carrying pregnancy could be harmful to her but not other women’#if it’s illegal it WILL be used against that woman#how can you not see that#like the law will be used in a way that’s demeaning to women#but because it’s not the women you care about it doesn’t matter#also side note#and completely unrelated#can she stop implying that I’m less beautiful or don’t want to be beautiful because I’m transmasc#that would be great
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I love all the diy horror stuff being produced online these days but the issue I have with analogue horror, or any type of ARG or indie found footage horror series online, is that as soon as they delve into using actual voice overs or acting 9 times out of 10 I lose any suspension of disbelief because they tend to be amateurish and try hard. I appreciate the hard work that goes into these projects and everyone involved but there also has to be some discernment of "is this coming off goofy and dumb while we're trying to make everything else look super realistic?" I'm unsure if some of the people heading these projects are just getting anyone to do the voice overs, not doing auditions, not properly directing the actors and getting multiple varied takes, etc or what but it's rough to watch. if you're trying to make your horror series seem as real as possible then you need to make sure your VO actors are capable of doing naturalistic readings instead of sounding like 'yandere vampire dd/lg boyfriend ASMR'
#sorry im watching the new walton files video and the VOs are fucking killing me#this is an issue I see with a lot of these projects and it just ruins them for me#and yeah you can argue they have no budget and getting experienced VOs is hard with no pay#but I also think there are probably tons of newbie VOs out there who could do it well if given the chance#but instead they're going with the series creators/writers or their friends#which I get but... jesus christ it's painful#or maybe these creators have no ear for what actually sounds natural idfk
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I have this problem with anxiety dreams sometimes where I will Know something isn't real but I have to spend 20minutes being very still under my covers chanting "it's not real" in my head anyway
#the scariest horror concept ever is that one from the freaking cheesy ass r.l. stine thing where you're not allowed to think about it#send tweet.#genuinely about to haul off & start biting ( ooc. )#anyway i'm probably done sleeping now if my dreams are at telling-me-in-words ''its not real you didn't say it out loud'' like jesus christ#honestly sometimes the meta quality of knowing you're dreaming makes things worse. i'm out here#well. in here.#running out of one dream into another one cause i didn't like the situation but it just#boots me into a different one where horrible things are still happening#until one of them just actually looks me im the face and is like 'its fine this is made up just wake up' like fffffuck that fucking hell#sanctity of head under the covers save me.... save me head under the covers magic protection spell
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idr who it was but somebody I reblogged a post on a while back in which I dumped a bunch of random personal stuff in the tags if you see this this is for you 🙏🙏 also I’m lying I’m just a yapper
#I love turning tumblr into my personal diary knowing this will probably just get buried in the annels of my blog#I’m sure that’s not how you spell that but wtv#anyways grrrr I love men I love figuring out my type#I’ve dated three guys who all coincidentally happen to be relatively tall skinny athletic types#not an intended pattern btw it just happened like that#but now I am experiencing the true joy of variety#gahhhh I love body fat I love guys with body fat I am sick in the head for men who are squishy and have tummies and ass#it’s not my fault that kinda guy just happens to be the center snare in drumline it’s the curse of band kid I guess#holy shit I need to stop dating people in my band actually Jesus Christ it’s two already. see but like or I could collect the set#and go for all different instruments or categories#I’ve got brass (trombone) and woodwind (tenor sax) down#so like percussion?? mayhaps#our drumline is exclusively made up of three types of people for some reason#a) every girl is legit cool a bit masc and definitely gay (I know two personally and a third that fits the bill) and very skilled#b) very much oddball types who nobody in the band gets along with because they actively make people uncomfortable (hard to describe)#c) most grey-sweatpants straight guy you’ve ever seen who just happens to be reserved n semiattractive. looking at two of them in particula#(section leader and center snare specifically) third category hits hard#not my fault the center snare is stupid pretty and reserved and kinda squishy <- on the floor drooling#and like. a good snare#idk what happened to me but as soon as I became a musician people being able to play well became VERY attractive to me#curse of band kid once again#I’m genetically predisposed to it it’s fine <- raised by two divorced music majors#in particular an alto sax and the center snare are two guys that stick as me having a moment of like oh wow they’re *good*. haha that’s hot#alto sax is a killer jazz player and I’m psyched I get to trio with him and one of the drumline girls (my favorite tgirl fr)#although they’re both way better than I am so I’m really the weak link here#which is a hard asf sell given that they want me on bass <- I am a decent-to-mid rhythm guitarist at best#but wtv. everything I do I do for jazz#the most personal information I will likely ever admit to (I am lying I will vaguely yap about myself all day long)
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...
#holy fuck. i dont think ive ever been so angry for so long#i got the email abt the change to the end of this experiment at like 7.30am and i was like crying while i was watering#and that dispair consolidated into anger over the course of the day. by like 2pm i was like possessed#by the spirit of a angsty teen boy and wanted to punch some holes in drywall. i was so fucking angry#and the 1st email i got back was like: well u can do sunday/monday for extra measurements if u want#and i was like fucking WHAT? why the fuck cant i just start thr fucking dry down tomorrow?#literally why??? fucking why????? the other half of the experiment is drying tomorrow so what the actual fuck???#and apparently it just didnt occure to them that we could do both at once. and they wanted to give me the option of a break#which. i appreciate the sentiment but jesus fucking christ u have no idea the atrocity we just avoided#if i had to drag this out until Wednesday i genuinely dont know what i woulf have done. if i had to drag this out until Wednesday only to#find out i didnt have to. i dunno. i would probably have thrown a tantrum like a child. god. ive been here like 10.5hrs now and 1 more to#go. fucking editing and emailing and fixing stupid shit. and my boss is like: email the editor both proofs so he can show reviewers the#changes. as he stated in his email. and im like fucking: ok. ok. ok. ill fucking do it but he has the 1st fucking proof already and the#fucking production office just asked me to send the 2nd proof which i already fucking sent. so maybe its just i cant fucking read#ugh. im not mad at her. this isnt her fault. im just unwell. ugh. i dont wanna b around ppl this week. i dont wanna have to pretend to be#a person. just leave me alone to cry in my freezing apartment as i let all my problems boil over#unrelated
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the NORMAL book to read in a tree on campus at my very professional adult job is the scientific history book, but the one that WILL get me the look of absolute befuddlement and mild consternation I crave from my supervisor is the gnostic gospels, so here we are
#jk I will probably put the actual fuckin library book I still have to finish in my backpack like the smart cookie I am#I have had at least one of my library books for over a year. and at this point it's just a point of spite that I will finish it.#tbh I may return that one cuz it's just a media studies book on time travel in tv and film and I'm like. what are you gonna tell me.#what are you going to impart to me that I don't already know.#I've got a media degree and have watched every piece of media referenced in the book. what do you have to tell me.#however. derrida on time is like. I NEED TO GET THROUGH THAT BOOK. FUCK. for my soul#DON'T @ me we've known I'm insane in this particular way. if you didn't idk what to tell you okay.#I have to say I've done very well at not buying books. I have bought One all year.#it helps that I haven't gone anywhere. but.#I should go to the used bookstore next to campus tho. cuz I wanna. 'should' I say lmfao.#it's as a treat!!! also I don't think I perused their poetry section last time I was there.#NOT that I don't have like three poetry anthologies to read on my shelf right now. fuck.#hmm maybe I should actually bring the norton native nations poetry anthology instead.#got that one. we want it all (transpoetics). and a book of luminous things.#ugggggh I have so much reading to do.#jesus CHRIST I have a to do list
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