#well see what they think but im really nervous
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I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist in a moment, I feel so sickkkk
#ive mentioned autism and anxiety to them in the forms i had to fill out#well see what they think but im really nervous#i dont think im going to be able to put anything into words#i really hope my mom doesnt push back on what im saying
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bugthinker but I just did whatever to him
bonus slop
#clemart#this hardly qualifies as toontown anymore#toontown corporate clash#ttcc#prethinker#brian ttcc#sorry the text is really small again i got carried away with notes#i have like 3 doodles where i just do whatever to his build for fun. this is the only one ive posted#personally speaking i think doing a build that plays more into the nervous-system (brain) aspect would probably be a bit more fitting#i dont have any ideas on how to do that right now other than just making him wires. which im not opposed to.#i need to send him through horrific experiments and see what it turns him into#color placements could be better but i did this without any other references other than a real life centipede so oh well#looking at this after i finished i realized it looks like his body is clumped together... its supposed to be wrapped around each other#screw ym stupid baka life#i think i once saw someone mention centipede brian. if they are out there... this is partially inspired by that#the other inspiration is just that i think the idea of characters being able to wrap around themself is cool
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🫖🐭☁️🍚
#so i did meet my old friend from years ago yesterday. i was sooooo nervous omgggg. and i was waiting outside the café we agreed on#and then saw them walk in and i was like omgggg. the anxiety... but then i gathered courage and walked towards it and thry saw me thru the#window and came out and immediately hugged me. then they were like 'omg i've been so nervous. even more than before like a date!!'#so that made me relax a bit. i feel like i dont really fully estimate what i mean to them. maybe they care about me as well haha !!#then we just got our stuff and i chose a smoothie and was ready to pay but they just got it with their stuff (they work at this chain so#they got a discount). i feel so so bad & anxious when someone else pays for me. like i feel like a burden#but i asked twice if i should send them money for it and they were like no that's fine. so i had to tell myself to just shut up abt it 🥲#bc if u keep asking u make it into a thing and make them uncomfortable etc. so i really appreciated that and it was nice even if i felt bad#but yeah then we just sat down and talked. and it was so much easier to talk to them than i had been worried abt#like it flew nicely and yeah.. i feel like i forgot a lot abt them. like they're good at conversating. so they kept it going & even if i was#awkward it was fine for them. i did however get swept up in my own anxiety so as they asked me questions i answered#but then was too whirlwindy so i didnt really ask as much back and there were things i wanted to ask but didnt :')))#then they had cards and a card game with them. so we played for a bit too. and it was a lot of fun!!! (i was anxious and kinda slow lmao#bc when i dont know smth or the rules etc already my brain stops working so yeah.. even if it was simple games i was like um um what do i do#felt stupid but yeah again they didnt do anyhing to contribute to me feeling stupid but i still felt slow >.<#but i still thought that was so much fun. i wanna do more of that T-T like yeah...that was nice#then we took a lil longer walk to a bus stop before hastily said goodbye bc the busses came T-T#it was really really really nice tho. i have missed them a lot#and i didnt .. think we would ever see eachother again. i really didnt think this could happen#im so glad i somehow got brave enough to message them and im so so glad they wanted to see me too#i cant help but wish i could go back to when we were younger#and we spent every day in school together and messaged during the days and evenings and spent sm time together#when we went into the city like several times a week and took long walks. ahh... well. im glad we got to have those moments#& idk what will happen now. i really really want to see them again. even if we'll never be that close friends again i'd *wish* that we could#still be in touch. but im so bad at replying which doesnt go over great with them.. i'll try my best to reply quicker to them#*if* they message me. sadly i cant erase my avpd but i'll try my best to reply faster if and when they message)#they also complimented my sweater i was wearing (which is my fav sweater) !!!! and yeah.. they looked so cool. which they always have#and i kept thinking abt how nice their eye makeup was (i was too shy to compliment it tho bc im really bad at like 'nice' affectionate and#anything feeling related. like im so bad... so i couldnt say anything </3)#ugh it was just so nice to sit and talk with them. im so glad i went despite my fears. bc this was so good and nice :')))
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dude i don't really care if people ship aroace characters just please acknowledge that they're aro and/or ace. like,, aro and ace people still can and do enter into relationships of various types at times and not every aro or ace person completely lacks attraction anyway and some date even if they do, so like, ship them if thats what you want but please just be respectful.
just acknowledge that the character is aro and/or ace. do some research about what that might mean for them if you need to. treat those characters in a way that respects their identities and doesn't completely brush them aside.
im just tired. we can be in relationships. we can not be in relationships. we are still aros and aces. dont try and erase what little representation we get.
i would like to note that i see things in this way because i have never seen a 'professional' writer (like non-fanfic or not a small online creator) specify where an aro/ace character sits on those spectrums or how they actually view relationships of any type. i've also never seen any 'professional' writer's characters get to explore or express that part of themselves enough in their stories to give much better an understanding than just "not really interested in sex or romance".
if a more specific understanding of a character was provided and it meant that that character wouldn't be involved in romantic and/or sexual relationships or was repulsed by them than yeah, I wouldn't want people shipping them at all but i dont think i've ever seen that so thats not what this is about.
#this is mostly about one character because theyre on my mind atm but i've absolutely seen it happen to others#its just really disheartening to have confirmed representation and then see so much of a fandom ignore that because they want to ship thing#i love this character as rep as well. i think they capture certain things for me really well#i almost never come across it but pairings of characters whether romantic or something else are really fun when written from an aroace lens#but thats not what i see happening with what i'm thinking about#its just infuriating to see so much of the fandom accept certain details that were revealed in a certain way but then argue that this-#-character's orientation hasn't been confirmed anywhere when it was revealed in the exact same way#just say you don't care about respecting us at this point man#if you know what character im referencing here about then uhhhhh cool#i hope no one minds me tagging these next few#aromantic#asexual#arospec#acespec#aroace#might remove those in a bit idk i get quite nervous being perceived sometimes
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my comic is live right now!
kyle and rex is an absurdist drama set in a stagnant afterlife where everyone lies, cheats, manipulates, and hurts each other in order to gain political power and admiration from the public.
with characters constantly haunted by ghosts of the past, trying to stay on top of the food chain despite constant betrayals and having their secrets held up above their heads, comes back kyle, from his long stay back as a guiding spirit on earth, to take back reigns of the throne in the inbetween. though much like everyone else, hes got a long list of dirty laundry that many are aching to reveal. there are no real friends here.
⸻
updates every 2 weeks, at 6:30 pm central US time! (SP & ENG)
WEBTOON: english link + spanish link
TAPAS: english link + spanish link
FANEO: spanish link
#HI. GUYS. PUKES EVERYWHERE#im SO FUCKING NERVOUS#oh but first of all the link on top is a link to the promotional animation that goes along with the airing of my comic :) so if you want to#watch that you can. smile#anyways im just. really beyond excited and also terrified to start. cus you know#once i upload this theres no going back and im going to be constantly then publishing project after project thereafter and thats pretty muc#what ive been wanting to do all my life#so im just like this is the start of it this is going to set everything into motion!!!#im not expecting to get a ton of followers or readers or anyhting this soon specially since i think it starts to get GOOOOOD#after you learn some context but this is my first first original launch and im really excited!!!!!#i usually dont do this because i dont find it very important to me not as much as telling a really good story at least but obviously i have#tons of trans and lgbt just entire rainbow up in there and the majority of the characters#are not white they are from different cultures AND times#so if youre looking to read brown and queer stories by authors of the same there is that#anyone is fully welcomed to send any asks with questions or anything whatsoever!!!#i know its sort of a long post but as a notice i will be reblogging this every time i finish an entire new chapter#to keep people aware!!! c: i know it may be a bit annoying but i just want to get the word out !!#if youre bilingual i think it would be fun to see the differences between the translations i put i translated it myself since spanish is my#first language and well i think is funney :3#smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#kyle and rex#my comic#webtoon#tapas#faneo#what do people tag these things wif.....#my art#technically!#i supourse ill have to rb it to my art blogs too yipee!!!
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do i really want to make individual drinks again
#reaching back into the file cabinets of my mind to remember how i made certain drinks when i worked at the cafe#in preparation for the possibility of this new job#it would certainly mean far less goofing off time than i have at my current job. and i value my goofing off time dearly#but the people here are so fucking annoying lmao. i hate them soooo much#not that the people at this new job would be any better. we're still dealing with investment bankers#godddddd. what i really would want (which would be impossible)#would be to go back to working at the cafe but like. still have paid time off and insurance lmao#but the cafe was a small business and he was not offering paid time off and insurance. and the pay was way less#but i did get to play whatever music i wanted. unfortunately you cant live on that#like i can always say no to this new job if its offered to me. but is my goofing off time worth:#2 dollars less in pay and a half hour to an hour's more commute. well i dont know#a shorter commute would mean i could sleep more. and have more time at home .#i mean i probably don't Need all this goofing off time. but its nice#i dont knowwwwwww#like even though im a bit nervous abt doing it again i know that i would easily fall back into the routine of making drinks#which i was fairly good at. my one drawback is that i cant do latte art but i dont know that theyd really care here#and (because i found the menu of where id work) theres not a ton of drink options?? just the standard stuff#its being called a starbucks cafe but 1) its not managed by them and 2) it does not have their 5 billion drink options#so thats good. less to worry about#doesnt look like i even have to make anything foodwise which i had to at the cafe#here it looks like people can just buy a pastry and thats it#the hours are like. the same i work now. also good#sorry im like using this post to think through my thoughts.#uhhhh oh i looked up the manager who looks like a weenie so im not keen on the prospect of interviewing with him#but i probably would have thought that about my current manager if id seen a pic of him prior to interviewing. i guess???#and with these kind of catering units it seems you dont often deal directly with the manager that much anyway#i just gotta see if i get good vibes#rn i have unsure vibes. but i need a sign to see if this could be good for me#oh id also save money on transportation. and taxes! bc i wouldnt be working in ny anymore#lol oops tag limit. well i hope you enjoyed my job thoughts you probably didnt i know i didnt
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.
#had a tough day today bc i had to meet up with our hr manager for a 'talk' about my absence#i was so nervous for it that i was drained before it even began#i asked a colleague of mine to be there#an older man who i trust with these things bc he's very calm but often knows what to say at the right time#and is very sensitive#he could tell i wasn't doing well before i told anyone#he's dealt with his own darkness as well so i know that's why i gravitate to him#the conversation went okay. i said what i wanted to say#the hr manager clearly wanted to see me /wanting/ to come back on monday lol#expecting a quick fix like they always do#she did take away my main points so i really hope i see the results. and i asked to come back without my manager breathing down my neck#i hope that gets respected too#then afterwards. after already almost crying a million times my colleague asked if i wanted to bike with him to this statue#that got placed here today bc it's a traveling thing to raise awareness for suicide#he supports that cause bc his son is a victim of suicide#and i could tell he was having a hard time but then he also actually said it#i was crying man. he doesnt know how deep it goes for me but#i think i gave him a bit of comfort being there. showing i understand#when i got home he texted me to thank me for going with him bc he couldn't have done it alone.#im gonna cry myself to sleep tonight#my posts
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falls down
#mine#today was day 2 of job and it seems like a really good deal...the benefits are CRAZY#depending on the healthcare plan i pick i could literally pay $0 a month as my premium#great day to be single with no kids <3#and the PTO is great and they have short term disability insurance which seems like a great option for when i get hysto#other benefits are all awesome and i know theres upward mobility which is really big for me#theres a part of me thats like...well...what if i did this job for a while...got my hysto next year...#saved up...got promoted...#then at some point move out...i was eyeing REDACTED CITY IN MY STATE#as a place to live especially post promotion (assuming i would get one) when i have more $$...#just a good way to sort of start my real adult life and all#but then i have an interview next week with a umm. i think it was a community college#over in another part of the state and then i got an email from a DIFFERENT cc#idk if we can interview because of schedule stuff we'll see. but that job pays GREAT money especially for my age#so im like ummm!!! hello...but i'm also not sure about the location...#i would definitely interview at least once just to get a feel for it#but im like arrrghhhh so much uncertainty...#raaaaggghhh#i've spent all summer saying i just want to skip ahead to the part where i have the job im sticking with#and everything is settled and nice#and it seems we're getting closer to that point but as we get closer i get more and more nervous#URRGH
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...
#ever sit like a corpse in your own body?#im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we#deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to#give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway.#who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in#the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when#projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing#dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will#ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do#something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r#stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even#then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a#broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what?#lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything#done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i#think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with#thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno#whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is#hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse#but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday#unrelated
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I have one (1) fear that btsv will reveal Miguel gets his spider powers from his T-shots.
Stabilisers for his spider dna/power was my original thought except I think Miguel took his shot right before throwing the bin at Miles so uh, doesn't seem very stabilising. And now my personal theory is that, given how they seemed to be "hugging" the cells, maybe Miguel spent too long LARPing as his alt self he became part of that universe. And now that that universe is gone he needed to give himself shots to stop from glitching out. Which, may not make sense since that's what the watch is supposed to do, but I think it'd be a neat parallel to Miles having cells from 42.
ehhhhh i don't think miguel exploding really swings the pendulum in either direction (in terms of what the shot actually does), at least in my conception of a dna stabaliser. your theory is a neat one though! it would be interesting if miguel was dealing with some longlasting sideeffects from dipping dimensions.
personally, i think given the visuals of the scene, the most likely answer is that it is to do with spider powers (very similar visual to miles's spider bite, the blue blood cells, the actual needle mimicking a spider bite in terms of the literal injection etc) but it's a toss up right now as to whether spiderverse's iteration of miguel is going to have him be irreversibly changed (and have that change be one out of his control like in the comics) or have it be a self inflicted transformation. the latter possibility of which im personally ehhh not a fan of. but again, at this moment just a possible direction and not a certainty.
#im hoping its not the latter because i just really like miguel's comic backstory yeah. but also because i think miguel being a self#inflicted spiderman just makes his dimension dipping and miles issues less??? interesting??? like if it's a self inflicted transformation#and miguel doesnt enjoy what he does but does it because has to. why not just stop being spiderman.#it also would make his thing @ miles just. honestly kind of boring hypocrisy instead of what i find the more interesting route#of miguel seeing a mirror of himself in miles (as well as a beacon of doubt) and not being able to handle it#i personally find THAT the more interesting story#but again. its all up in the air right now and we dont KNOW how this character is going to be conceptualised in btsv#there are certain creative liberties which - if taken - id personally find not v interesting but im not going to blast people for something#i have literally no information on. id rather evaluate the entirety of this iteration of miguel once i have the pieces atsv doesn't show#but invites speculation on (the backstory and the nature of his powers)#this isnt intended to be critical of you or anyone else i need to say. i totally understand being upset and nervous about the direction of#character you care deeply about. im just personally going to hold off on speaking about elements which i just dont have the evidence to#evaluate the nature of their integration in and effects upon the totality of miguel as a character within spiderverse#ask games#anon
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so transgender i could cry
#went to my first drag show where my friend made their drag debut#and just like!!! i dont know i was so proud of them#and felt so honored to be with them and to see all the performers#and the queens and kings and not really eithers.. AH!#dancing and making art and then going to the bar to get something to drink i just felt like#wow…. im so lucky to be here right now.. what an honor to be alive with them.#in this room with the lights changing colors and the emcees saying the best stage names ive ever heard#what a beautiful beautiful lovely stupid wonderful thing to be alive in a room with other trans people. unbelievable!!!!#and it also kind of made me feel like. ack.. well…. maybe i could do that..#i do love to perform and. frankly. if i hadn’t been homeschooled almost certainly i would’ve been a theater kid.#and. i dunno i dunno i get so nervous but i think i could do it…..
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I'm excited but like also a little nervous to see the boys in the eventual reboot
#weve never really seen them and their individual personalities while Craig was in control#i mean. i know theyre season 1 characters technically#but they were basically the same bland non-character in their debut since they were never meant to be recurring villains back then#itll be interesting to see what he comes up with although i doubt well be seeing them too too much#im just also nervous about their new portrayal clashing with my headcanons about them lmao#i could see it going either way honestly#one thing i wonder is if he'll still use them like extensions of mojo#or if he plans on divorcing them from that dependency to be able to use them more#idk!!! theres lots of ways this could happen im very excited about it#as a disclaimer i dont expect it to become The RR/B Show or anything#i dont expect to see them THAT much but you could do a lot with just a few appearances i think#and i just wonder what thatll entail#bubble journal
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I know we joke about jjk causing depression and discussing all the awful stuff that's going on and how low it makes us like it's funny, but if it's causing you emotional or mental distress, put it down. Just don't look at jjk stuff for a week. Limit your social media time.
All stories and series have the ability to interrupt your life and daily activities as you fixate on them, or the story unravels in an unfortunate way. It can be difficult to put a story down when you're really into it, even if it's only out of morbid curiosity for how the story will continue, but I'm very serious when I say you shouldn't let it ruin your life.
If you're friends with someone that posts constantly about your favorite character dying or constant angst and you notice it's affecting your mental health, take a break. It's not funny. I'm getting really concerned and frustrated with the way people are joking about suicide and depression when they read heavy stories like this. Those are real, legitimate, dangerous issues that you shouldn't joke about, and if you're experiencing those thoughts because of jjk or a series you're engaging (whether it's the story itself or the people you talk to about it), please try to manage your exposure to it and reach out for support.
#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#im so tired seeing people post to intentionally upset others looking through the character tag or something#for anime onlys in the nanami tag i want to be really clear#the next 2 episodes will be distressing and i think its fair to warn about that#most of the suicide talk is on Twitter#but it's absurd how much people say theyre experiencing those thoughts AS A JOKE (maybe???) and then someone makes a point of sending more#hurtful things to the distressed person#like i post about being nervous about nanami and someone sends a picture of him being blown apart#what is your problem#people posting happy hcs and someone responds with his blood and guts everywhere#i see people asking them to stop and instead they just double down#it does not sit well with me#suicide#tw suicide#tw: suicide#depression#tw depressing thoughts#tw depressing stuff#tw depression#tw: depression
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vent
#haha now im fucking sobbing im my bathroom bc i was texting one of my only 2 friends (not including my ex) about how nervous i am#then i started in about how i actually dont really want to go out & meet people & go on dates but at the same time#im so extremely tired of being lonely/alone & having absolutely no one to consistently hang out with & im so starved for love & gentleness#and tbqh all i want rn is someone to hold me. i want someone to actively want me/pursue me. i want someone to choose me & care about me#it really fucking hurts & sucks being on everyones backburner. im such a loving person. i have such a big heart & so much love to give#ive always been like that. ive always loved people with my whole being. always been happy & happy to make others happy#ive always prioritized peoples happiness & comfort & well-being FAR above my own#ive always heard the universe gives back what it receives from you......so whens it my turn to be wanted fully & loved in an unwavering way#my love has always been give give give...... i just want to receive the affection. the devotion. the loving tasks. for once. please.....#im not even looking for my forever or for my life partner or w/e. i just want someone who's excited to see me & wants to be in my presence#someone who; even if only for 1 day or 1 week or even 1 month; chooses me. chooses to stay.#i think......im tired. im gonna go play fallout nv until i pass out from exhaustion. im tired#emma vents#vent tag#sad boi hours#sad bitch hours#2023 tag
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idk i love breath of the wild w my whole heart and i am excited for tears of the kingdom but if its not The End of zelda (which i don't think it will be for the simple reason that zelda's a big money maker) i dont know how i feel about the idea that they want to move away from the formula entirely because i personally love the typical Zelda Formula™ and id be kinda disappointed if they just. decided to stop you know
#but totk will really be the deciding factor i think. like i miss traditional dungeons and i do love botws open world but i like more story#driven zeldas also. you know. im really curious how much totk is gonna draw on botws story because like. 90% of it is optional?#you dont have to do the divine beasts you dont have to do the memories. theres no reason you couldn't just skip it#and i don't know what baseline they'll work from. does link remember everything? does he still have memory problems? who knows#so we'll see i guess. 9 days left tho#neon has thoughts#i know people complain about the formula but i for one giggle and kick my legs in the air every time i hear the little secret theme in a#dungeon. i LOVE linearity i love progression i love dungeon items i love puzzles that get progressively harder and build on each other#miss you zelda. what id love is if they focused on a Less Huge And Groundbreaking zelda after totk and did another 2d cause i love em. but#that's just my little speculations#the thing is. i dont Know where its gonna go after totk. and im nervous abt it#i should probably not be this attached to Nintendo Franchise but oh well. i am
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You're right and you should say it
Reading too much between the lines yet again, but someone I was talking to brought up this part from mag88 the other day and I have to wonder if maybe Martin knew Jon was ace way back in s2? Like much of fanon has Martin learning said fact from Melanie's comment in the mag106 recording, but there's something that sorta sweet to me about the idea that Martin could have known way before that and (more likely) from Jon himself.....
This would also definitely would support the fact that Jon and Martin had a pretty strong bond back in s2! Even with their limited interactions and with Jon's paranoia, we do know that they seemed to get along best out of all the archive members (with Jon and Tim at a standstill and Sasha being...all of that), that they were lunch buddies, and that Martin likely took Jon to get stitches after his encounter with Michael... Idk, it's just sorta nice to think about that Jon "never shares anything personal about himself with anyone" Sims maybe felt close enough to Martin despite everything to explain this very private, very personal bit about himself to him even way back then
#this fits rlly well with my initial thoughts bc I also really love a Jon who doesn't know shit about labels#so he's just going around thinking everyone is like that. what do you mean people look at other people and want to have SEX with them?!#but Martin just kinda puts the pieces together bc he's Martin#and later on when they start dating Jon is like. hey I have a lot of messy and complicated feelings about sex just fyi#to which Martin's like oh no worries I figured bc you're yk ace#jon: ...........im WHAT#see jon is nervous about talking about people he does (or doesn't) find attractive bc he thinks that it's wildly inappropriate#to discuss these things in a semi work environment#while Martin think's Jon's wildly discomforted bc he's like. yk. coming out to him#which he IS. he just......doesn't realize that yet bc he's jon cjbskfnsbc
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